#i cant even do anything because hes leaving the country in a month

[n3onwraith]

I'll kms if we move actually.

[wonsdoll]

EMAILS i CANT SEND ── PJS

PREC𝓲S ｡｡ 𝗉𝖺𝗋𝗄 𝗃𝗈𝗇𝗀𝗌𝖾𝗈𝗇𝗀, 𝖺 𝖿𝖺𝗆𝗈𝗎𝗌 𝗐𝖺𝗍𝖼𝗁 𝖽𝖾𝗌𝗂𝗀𝗇𝖾𝗋 𝗂𝗇 𝗉𝖺𝗋𝗂𝗌, 𝗐𝗁𝗈 𝗐𝖺𝗌 𝖺𝗅𝗌𝗈 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝖻𝗈𝗒𝖿𝗋𝗂𝖾𝗇𝖽 𝖻𝖾𝖿𝗈𝗋𝖾 𝗁𝗂𝗌 𝖻𝗂𝗀 𝖻𝗋𝖾𝖺𝗄. 𝖺𝖿𝗍𝖾𝗋 𝗆𝗈𝗇𝗍𝗁𝗌 𝗈𝖿 𝗇𝗈 𝖼𝗈𝗇𝗍𝖺𝖼𝗍, 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝗌𝗈𝗋𝗍 𝗍𝗁𝗋𝗈𝗎𝗀𝗁 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝖾𝗆𝖺𝗂𝗅𝗌, 𝖿𝗂𝗇𝖽𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖺𝗅𝗅 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝖿𝖺𝗂𝗅𝖾𝖽 𝖺𝗍𝗍𝖾𝗆𝗉𝗍𝗌 𝗍𝗈 𝗋𝖾𝖺𝖼𝗁 𝗈𝗎𝗍 𝗍𝗈 𝖾𝖺𝖼𝗁 𝗈𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗋

박종성 ／⠀ 𝑓𝑒𝑚𝑎𝑙𝑒 reader ── slight angst + non 𝑖𝑑𝑜𝑙 au ｡｡ jay debut on my acc we screamed & for mils duh because she’s my jong girl >_< !! ∿ ✦ more

THE SOUND OF YOUR COMPUTER GOES OFF as you continued to work on your last designs for the night. your boss sent out one last email about final submissions before the fashion show in milan for next month.

you were a fashion designer, designing clothing for women in fashion shows. your job had its perks, your creativity was on showcase for many to see, many to hopefully buy if it went successful. although your life was at its high right now, back then it wasn’t.

four months ago you were in the happiest relationship possible, or so you thought. jay was a sweet guy, he always had you in his thoughts, he was your protector. who knew your protector could suddenly switch up and change drastically ?

jay had moved to france, his dream country, he also got a job as a famous watch designer. designing watches in paris was jay’s dream, something he took seriously and did whatever it took to achieve it. leaving you behind was one thing, it hurt more than any wound.

jay was living his best life, doing his dream job in his dream country. you tried to continue with life, the only way to move forward, was to move on and push through.

you hit sent on your final email, your mouse running over the words “draft”. you clicked on it, slightly curious about all your drafted emails, that’s when you saw it.

drafts: 76 unsent emails.

seventy six times, you tried to reach out to jay, in hopes of bringing you two back together, those messages never made it to him. you went back and forth with your inner thoughts whether or not you should send them, afraid of jays reaction. after seventy six times, you decided to stop saving emails and move forward.

your heart hurt as you scrolled to view more emails, more failed attempts of starting back something you once held so close to you.

subject: i miss you more than anything

to: jongsongpark@emails.com

y/nforever@emails.com: jay it’s me.. i miss you so much, the winters are colder without your warmth. something i can’t live without. i hope paris is good, have you tried the fresh croissants yet? remember our dream back when we were teens? going to the eiffel tower after a fresh french breakfast. we were young and wild, i miss us.

please take care of yourself jay, i mean it.

with love, y/n.

and another.

subject: merry christmas my love

to: jongsongpark@emails.com

y/nforever@emails.com: merry christmas jay ! i hope you got everything you dreamed this year, maybe even more. i miss our little traditions, like watching home alone on christmas eve. our matching pajamas which i still have and wear. i also still have that locket you gifted me, i hold it close to my heart, like i do with you. please get back to me soon, i want to make things right.

with love, y/n.

you closed your laptop, pushing it away as you sat up, preparing yourself for a late night walk. late night walks have always helped you clear your mind, especially late at night, when all your thoughts roamed to jay’s whereabouts.

even though things were hard for you, they were even harder for jay. jay sat up in his bed, checking his emails for the night before getting ready for a huge meeting in the morning. his fingers glided onto the touchpad, navigating his way through the emailing system.

jay’s computer pointer landed on the words “drafts”. with curiously, jay clicks drafts, finding over 70 emails of his failed attempts to reach out.

subject: paris update.

to: y/nforever@emails.com

hey sweet girl, i’ve made it to paris. i’m scared i won’t lie, i’m far away from you so i won’t be protecting you, not like i was doing a good job at it anyways. you taught me a lot in life and that’s why i’m chasing my dreams. let’s talk soon okay?

missing you, jay.

and another.

subject: paris fashion

to: y/nforever@emails.com

hey sweet girl, all the paris fashion reminds me of you. i know how much you love creating designs and everything everyone wears here has a touch of you to it. i good your job is going well, sending you a few french clothing pieces, hope you like it.

with love always, jay.

jay did send you a few pieces of french clothing. a gorgeous skirt with detailing that called your name, a few tops that hugged your chest perfectly, and a black fur coat, similar to the one who’ve been working on for months.

jay continued to scroll through his drafted emails, all his failed attempts to try to reconnect, all his late night thoughts. missing you was an understatement, he wanted to be with you, but jay never knew if the feeling was mutual.

his thoughts of you never left, jay was hurting. although his dreams did come true, one dream was left behind and it was you. you were his present, past, snd hopefully his future. jay was determined to see you again, the real question was, how was he going to see you.

jay did a few calls before heading to sleep, asking a few of his coworkers about your designing company and when the next fashion show in milan may be. his eyes lighting up the minute he heard you may come to milan in a month for the show.

this was his opportunity, his opportunity to spend time with you and reconnect. after his calls, jay went back into his email, his movements leading back to the “new email” page.

it took a while for jay to find the right wording, knowing this email would actually get sent to you, no backing down. his heart faced as he typed, the clicking easing his mind slowly.

subject: let’s meet again.

to: y/nforever@emails.com

hey sweet girl, i’ve been thinking over these months, let’s meet up in milan when you get here. i could show you around, maybe take you to get that paris latte you’ve always wanted ? just let me know your flight info and i’ll be there okay??

with love always, jay.

💌 : jay debut on my acc yippie. i’ll proofread in the morning i’m sooo tired so goodnight ! time to honk shooo honk shooo mimimimi BTW FOR @kairoot bc she’s the biggest jay girl eva !

[ihave-atummyache]

i was never there

bang chan one shot/imagine

SFW but some allusions to NSFW activities.

toxic relationship! toxic!chan toxic!reader

summary: to everyone’s disapproval, you and chan just cant seem to leave one another alone.

1.2k words

Chan knows that the two of you breaking up was for the best. Your relationship was unstable and toxic, borderline obsessive. You both had become distant from important things in your life because all you cared about was each other.

If he knows that then why is he feeling so guilty about having someone else in his bed? Why does he feel guilty that it isn’t you in some foreign country with him instead of some girl he met at a bar? Why has he only been able to write the worst heart broken lyrics that he has ever thought of?

Despite his better judgement, after his hookup leaves, he sits up and grabs his phone. He unlocks it and instantly opens social media, hoping that you had posted something, posted anything, just so he could see your face.

He feels like he’s going crazy. He checks your social media at least 10 times a day. He doesn’t care if he’s the first view, he just needs to see you. He opens your profile and sees you posted a story and of course he opens it.

13 s ago

He chews his bottom lip as he analyzes the photo you had posted. It looked like you were having brunch and mimosas but that isn’t what bothered him. What bothered him was the fact that there was somebody sitting at the seat across from you.

There was another plate and another glass but the chair was empty, something you had purposely done to try to maintain your privacy, he assumes.

Maybe it’s the drinks he had earlier in the night or the post nut high but something makes him open his texts and message you, despite every fiber in his brain telling him not to.

Who are you with?

Why would he say that? Now he probably looks insane. But your response is almost instant, not even a minute later.

it’s almost 5 am over there. why are u up?

He chuckles at his phone. You’re right, it’s 4:47am where he is but he can’t help his stomach doing a flip at the thought that you know exactly where in the world that he is. It makes him feel slightly less crazy that you seem to have been watching him just as much as he has been watching you.

Keeping tabs on me now? He types the message and sends it before he thinks too much about it. This is the first time the two of you have talked in almost a month and he feels like he’s getting an adrenaline high.

Chan stands from the bed and heads to his bathroom before turning the shower on and staring at his phone as he waits for the water to heat up.

ik YOU aren’t talking about keeping tabs on anyone. somehow you see everything i post within a minute of it being posted. care to explain? He can sense your sassy attitude through the screen and smirks down at his phone.

I can’t miss you?

Risky. Risky reply and he knows it but its all or nothing at this point.

He sends the message before he can think too hard about it. He sees you’re typing then the bubble disappears. This happens a few times before he finally decides to get into the shower.

A few countries away, you’re staring down at your phone, debating how you should reply.

“I fucked up,” you glance up at your coworker, a new friend that you had made. She had listened to you rant and rant about your ex boyfriend and it had actually brought the two of you pretty close.

“What happened?” She raises an eyebrow at you as she takes another sip of mimosa. you let out a sigh, running a hand through your hair before sliding your phone across the table to her. She reads the messages quickly before shaking her head in disbelief.

“He is fucking insane. Are you going to reply?” her words linger in the air for a minute before you grab your phone and read over the messages again.

“Should I even reply? This is so toxic. I’m feeding into him. Fuck!” You drag your hand down your face, frustrated and the waitress returns to your table at the perfect time.

“Can we get another bottle of champagne?” You ask with a polite smile and she nods before walking away.

“Y/n, it’s 11 in the morning,” your new friend eyes you from across the table and you shrug.

“I’ve officially been driven to drinking. I just need to get drunk and then I’ll go home and fall asleep then I’ll wake up and text him back,” you nod at her and she chuckles but lets you continue drinking anyways. Your phone vibrates again on the table and you flip it over, Chan had texted you again.

“What did he say?” Your friend already knows who it is without you having to say a word. You lean forward and unlock your phone and your heart drops at the message.

Baby, I need you. I miss you. Come to the show in Seoul.

You choke on air and start coughing before sliding your phone to your friend so she can read the messages. Her jaw drops and just as she hands your phone back, a notification pops up at the top of your screen; an incoming call from ‘Christopher Bahng’.

Without thinking you answer the call, excusing yourself from the table and stepping onto the patio, right next to your table so your friend can still see you.

“Chris…” you breathe his name out, it feels like a stab to your chest when you hear him let out a breath on the other side.

“I’ve missed hearing you say my name. I miss you so much, baby. Did you see my message?” His voice is slightly slurred over the phone and you recognize the influence that alcohol probably has over this entire interaction but honestly, you don’t even care.

“I saw it. Chris I don’t think that’s a good idea-”

“I don’t care if it’s a good idea or not. I just need to see you. I’m going to lose my fucking mind if I don’t get to hold you soon,” his voice is desperate and you can hear how overcome with emotions he is.

“We aren’t together anymore. This is exactly why. We aren’t healthy for each other, baby. You know that,” the nickname slips from your mouth like a habit and you immediately gulp when you realize what you said.

“I don’t care. I don’t care about anything if you aren’t at my side,” his confession just further nails it into your head that the two of you aren’t good for each other. You chew on your lip, pulling your sweater tighter around yourself.

“Fine.” Before you realize it, you have agreed to see him, just one more time. This will be the final time, your final goodbye.

Or the cycle will start over and you’ll be back in the endless toxicity that you two have been in for a long time.

“God, I love you so much, y/n,” his voice is raspy and you can tell he’s getting tired.

“I know, Chris. Send me two tickets so I can bring my friend since you ruined our brunch,” you chuckle and you hear him laugh on the other end.

“Yes ma’am,” he replies and you feel your phone vibrate, probably the notification that he just sent you the tickets.

[adaptacy]

Survivor!Leland Dad Headcanons

i am so so so so head over heels for this gorgeous ball of fluff i cannot even explain. literally spent the past like 4 hours rambling about him i cant get over him hes so MMM

Cw: mild angst, i'll make the angsty paragraphs purple so you can avoid them if you just want fluff :)

!!WARNING!!: you will get baby fever.

Leland is a country boy at heart, and he definitely chooses to settle down with you on a small ranch complete with a few acres of property, just in case you ever want to have livestock or expand, but also because he wants room to build playsets and make sure his kids are getting out and have space to play outside.

He'd buy the wood to make a playset, and he'd get all of his dad's tools together and stand out back, staring at the pile of scrap, trying to figure out what to do with it. He wasn't all that familiar with it, but he wanted something handmade- he wanted to be able to build a play set so he could tell his kids about it. You'd go out back and chat with him about it, and every time he explained his vision to you, it was something different.

After about a month, you ended up just purchasing one of those store-made play sets and gave him some of the supplies as well as the instructions. However, he used the wood parts he'd gotten for the bulk of it. The playset ended up looking a little strange- most of it was natural wood, but then the roof and stairs were plastic, and the slide, and the railings, but it had a bit of charm to it. And Leland loved bragging about how he built it himself. You still remember the large grin he wore when he presented it to you, and then leaned down, speaking to your stomach and telling your baby how about all the fun they were going to have on it.

He spent the next two-weeks baby proofing it. Padding everywhere, he managed to static-proof the slide, he added extra stability to the fences, and it ended up looking even more... unique. You teased him about it, telling him that kids were going to find a way to get hurt no matter how much he baby proofed it, but he was stubborn that some was better than none. You let him get away with it, until...

He started baby proofing the house. Some, you understood. Outlet covers. Cabinet locks. Baby gates by the stairs- that was all fine. But then he started putting rubber softeners against every sharp surface, he moved around all of the silverware so that it was out of reach- out of your reach, too, and hardly organized. You put an end to this really quickly, and although he was clearly anxious about your kids finding a way to hurt themselves, you'd tell him that- yeah, they were kids. That's what they were great at. He was just making your lives harder without really doing anything. So, he took it back a notch, though you did notice him sprinkle in random rubber rounders on sharp corners. You didn't call him out on it, and he eventually was satisfied, and stopped, leaving it to rest.

He dresses his babies in overalls and cow-print onesies, the fabric always has some sort of pattern on it, whether its small horses or sunflowers- whatever it was, it had a pattern on it. He wasn't very good at picking out outfits for them, as they very often clashed and he didn't understand that you can't just mix patterns, but with a bit of guidance from you (and you supervising him when you shop for clothes), he slowly got better at picking out outfits for them, and also started getting a bit better at picking out his own outfits as a bonus.

While it wasn't a terrible case, you did suffer from a bit of postpartum depression, especially with your first, and Leland felt awful about it, like genuinely gut-wrenchingly bad, so he did everything possible to make things easier on you. He always offered to be the one on wake-up duty, refusing to let you get up out of bed when the baby started crying. If you wanted, he'd go and get them and hand them off to you, letting you hold them for a little while and let them fall back asleep before he returned them to the nursery.

One night, you'd waken up to the baby crying, but Leland reassured you that he'd take care of them, so you went back to sleep. When you woke up about an hour later, Leland still wasn't there, and you grew a little worried. You got up out of bed and checked the nursery, and both of them were gone. You immediately went into a panic, and you headed down the stairs, only to find Leland on the living room carpet with your baby, leaning against the couch as he dangled a foil toy above them. He yawned; he looked absolutely exhausted, and he was dozing off as he bobbed the toy up and down.

"Lee?" "Huh-? I'm awake, I'm awake, where is she?" He jolted awake, looking around until he spotted your daughter reaching up for the toy above her head, and he let out a breath of relief. "Sorry, she just would not go back to sleep. I came down to start the coffee, and set her down here, and.... Guess I just dozed off." You laughed, walking over to him and sitting next to him, leaning your head against his shoulder. "Do you wanna go get some sleep? I don't mind starting some coffee and watching her." "Are you sure?" "Positive. Go get some sleep, babe, you're all good," you reassured. He kissed your cheek, and then kissed his daughter's forehead before heading back upstairs.

Especially for your first kid, he got really anxious when they'd cry. He'd try all sorts of things- tried burping them, tried feeding them, tried playing with them, anything he could think of. And it took a lot of persuasion for him to realize that, no, your kid was not dying, they were a baby, and babies cry. He got a lot more accustomed to this idea by the second, and then the third, and was pretty much a pro by the fourth kid.

Oh yeah, four kids. Three girls and one boy. He is SUCH a girl dad and I will not be accepting criticism on this.

Every single time you gave birth, you'd hold the baby for about fifteen minutes before passing it off to Leland, who refused to give it back for at least an hour. He'd tell you to just get some rest, you deserved it, and he just wanted to take the trouble off your hands. "Our baby is not trouble," you'd remind, but he'd shush you, and as time went on, your kids started chiming in, telling you "Just get some sleep, mom!", and you'd pretend to go to sleep, and Leland would sit on the floor with them, letting them see their new sibling.

He wouldn't let them be held by any of your kids, he didn't want to risk the worst, but he'd talk it through with the kids, explaining the story that Mom worked really really hard for their new sibling, so they needed to be gentle with them, and be patient. The older ones understood it, but the younger ones had a little trouble grasping the fact that babies could be loud, and annoying, and frustrating, but he'd explain to them that babies can't do anything else because they don't know much. Exactly the way that you'd first reassured him about his anxieties with the baby crying.

Another thing that never changed were his occasional anxiety attacks, usually after a bad nightmare back to the event, or when he couldn't sleep despite his meds, and he paced in the bathroom, running his fingers through his hair over, and over, and over again. Thinking about the what if's. Thinking about all of it. And he'd get on the edge of tears, the edge of really breaking down, before he'd go into the nursery and sit next to the crib. He'd set his hand inside, and the moment that his baby's tiny fingers wrapped around one of his, he'd let out a tense exhale, managing a smile. Even when they were grown, he'd stand in the frame of their door in the middle of the night, reassuring himself that he'd done fine. That he'd made a life for himself. Made a family for himself. That they'd be proud of him. And while it never got easier, he got better at understanding it, at calming himself down, at reassuring himself.

As his kids get older, they start asking about his scars. You overhear it from where you're cleaning in the kitchen, and you step closer, listening in. At first, you worry that he'll shut down- you know how sensitive subject it is for him, and there's silence.

"Daddy?" Your daughter asked, and you could hear a sniffle. He let out a soft chuckle. "Yeah, see, you aren't s'posed to know about 'em. Stuff you don't wanna know about your daddy, kiddo," he'd respond, and you could practically see the pout on her face. It was his fault he spoiled them so much. "C'mon, daddy, tell me! Please? I promise I won't tell anyone else," she hummed. "Nobody? Not even your brother?" "Nobody," she assured, and he sighed. "Well, before you were born... I went on a lot of adventures. Me and my friends. See, we had to fight these real bad guys. During the battle, they got a good couple of hits on me, and that's what the scars are from." "Did you win?" There was another pause. "Yeah, sugar, I won." "Where are your friends now?" Another pause. "They're out there protectin' others. They don't have kids like me and your mom. I had to retire from kickin' butt," he teased. "You're still my hero, daddy." You smiled, and you could hear his voice break as he replied with, "I love you, baby. Don't ever forget that, alright? No matter what happens." "I know, I love you too, dad."

It wasn't long before your kids started to touch his scars in passing, when they were playing with him, or when he was sitting on the couch next to him. They'd lean against his shoulder and touch the ones on his forceps, ones that you knew were far too small to be sensitive. But then they'd touch the ones on his back, and you'd hear him let out a quiet grunt, trying to shift- not shift away, but shift so that his back faced them, and they'd ease up their pressure. He'd remind them to be gentle, and they'd oblige, gently tracing the scars on his back.

He understood that they were curious; they were young, and touch was how they explored. He would've been curious too, at their age. So he was patient with them, and understanding. Even when they'd accidentally poke at a sensitive spot, and his jaw would tighten, but he never got angry at them. Sometimes, he'd give you a look, and you'd understand immediately, and distract the kids with something else so he could have his personal space.

It wasn't long before a lot of his scars were named. The ones on his back were Billy and Jessie, and the one on his chest was Hugh. The others had names too, but they changed pretty often. Those three remained the same, though. Sometimes the kids would line them with colorful markers, drawing wings around them or drawing faces on the scar tissue, and he got used to them messing with the scars, and it started to affect him less.

From the minute they grasp the concept of walking, those kids are dancing. Or, at the very least, bouncing as Leland danced around them, singing to whatever was on the radio at that moment. He loved having dance parties with his kids, and you'd join in, and he'd twirl you, your kids acting as a hype squad as the two of you danced. He liked letting his kids pick out something from his vinyl collection and putting it on, dancing along to his favorites and teaching them how to dosey-doe and square dance.

The first time his daughter fell off of her bike, he cried way more than she did. She was already back on the bike, asking for Leland to help her, and he was practically bawling, talking about how he was so proud of her for being so strong. You'd laugh, and step in, helping her out while he collected himself.

The moment that his daughters have enough hair to clip a bow on, he's doing it for them. He does it for every outing, all the way until they graduate. Every prom, he set up one of the bedrooms as a sort of salon, and he did all of their hair for them, even the ones who weren't going to prom that year. And every year, he was teary-eyed as he did it, rambling about how much they've grown up.

With his son, most people expected him to go hog wild with the sports dad thing, but he was entirely the opposite. he didn't want his son to get hurt, so he never even encouraged the idea of sports.

"Lee, you were in football in high school. Don't you want that opportunity for him?" "I knew a guy who was paralyzed from football." "You knew a guy, or you heard it on the radio?" "..................I'm not takin' any risks."

He swears your hormones are contagious. If he walks in on you crying, he starts crying, and he never cried before you had kids. And then both of you would be crying, and neither of you would know why, so you'd start laughing, and then you'd go back to crying again. He didn't understand it in the slightest, but he was fine as long as you and his kids were.

Speaking of hormones, you had to sit him down when your oldest daughter got about 12, and you gave him a very in depth discussion about how periods work, what he should expect, and what he can do to help.

The next time he came back from the store, he had a box of every single brand of pad and tampon. And he assured you that it was important because you never know what might work. Well, what worked was the first box that they tried, and now Leland was left with a lot of boxes and a lot of period products. So, what did he do?

He broke down the boxes and took out all of the period products. And he made a fort with the boxes, using the pads as adhesive and using the tampons as decoration. You and your two daughters stumbled across him working in the living room, laying on his back as he used a pad to tape two boxes together.

"Dad...? What are you doing?" Your eldest asked, the three of you exchanging a glance. "Are you okay, daddy?" The younger one added, and he sat up, turning towards the three of you with the happiest, most proud-dad grin on his face. "It's a period palace!" He laughed, showing off his work.

The kids didn't play in it much, but he and Jacs had their fun with it, and before long it was thrown out, probably for the best.

When referring to him in conversation with your kids, you'd refer to him as Dad, or Daddy, and he'd refer to you as Mom. However, when he was being more affectionate, he'd refer to you as Mama instead.

[vaggietheangel]

Spoiler warning for episode one of Hazbin hotel!!!

I cant add images from amazon because of copyright laws in my country.

Omg I loved the sm. Not only was happy day in hell great, but so was the reprise. 6 months?? The pressure is really on for Charlie. Adam is right about being the first dick. We can all see that. They have no respect for Charlie, I thought they would at least leave her alone bc she's royalty. Interesting that they couldn't care less.

Lute isn't much better. Though if they were there in person they wouldn't taunt Charlie. They're cowards considering they wouldn't even go there for the meeting. Charlie COULD have whipped them out if they were there. She was getting ready to by the looks of it.

Vaggie's singing voice is so pretty!! Stepahnie Beatritz is so talented. She's so supportive and kind to Charlie we love her. She was Willing to compromise with Alastor of all people just to bring a smile to her face. She's so sweet.

Damn Husk really has no choice Alastor just zips him all around hell. He can't even do his job without people anoying him. I thought Niffty was legit gonna stab him with her sewing needle when he passed out lmao.

Angel is such an anoying asshole and I love him. He can't get his head out of the gutter he's great. He's so horny he can't even film a normal commercial, give them break bro.

I love that Alastor almost blew up the camera when Vaggie tried to record him. Anything post 1930s self distructs in his presence.

[518062]

cross posting because i know some ppl read on tumblr and hey why not spread the 3344 yaoi pill eh

details if you cant be bothered to check tags: canon compliant, post-brazil gp, blowjob, not much else really

Between the several sexual partners Lewis had over the years, Max was the youngest, and certainly the one who stuck around the longest. An earlier version of him would have puked at the idea of fucking his once championship rival, but many drunken dinners and flights quickly made him realise Max was easy. Easy because he lived with spontaneity, with an unabashed confidence in everything which made him so fun to talk to and even more fun to fuck.

No strings attached. They agreed on that humid night in Bahrain last year, and not once had they faced problems. Everything was quick––light footsteps in hotel corridors, hands clasping mouths to hide whimpers, hasty glances across the paddock, light touches on press conference couches. It was almost too easy, Lewis thought; easy to take care of Max, to fuck him in his hotel and walk out like he ruled the world. Max made him feel unstoppable, but he supposed that was just the adrenaline which came with hiding ones’s scandalous relationship. They both knew the damage would be irreparable, and that made it all the more enticing––in fact, Lewis was certain Max liked to be scolded as he planted his hands on Lewis’ back––in crowds, during the driver’s parades, when they had a brief chat before the national anthem.

People must have noticed, Lewis assumed, that they were on better terms. But nobody knew how Max’s lips parted when he moaned, begging for Lewis to just stop fucking edging him and get on with it. No one could predict that Lewis became more irksome when he hadn’t been laid and magically got better after a ‘night out’.

It was like that, now––Max, caught up in the championship drama, had been doing more hours in the simulator, meeting his team in between race weeks to discuss how they could improve the car. Lewis understood this, of course, as Max explained over the FaceTime call, fiddling with his fingers, anxious, as if Lewis would be mad. Lewis was not fighting for anything, really, since he was jaded; ready to leave for Ferrari. But he understood, and reassured Max that it was alright––they were grown adults, and they didn’t need to fuck like animals every week. Their phone calls were enough, and Lewis loved to guess what country Max was in on days where he did not check his private jet’s history.

And yet, Lewis felt stress pile upon him like snow, and he let himself be irrational. His answers in the media pen were much more defiant, and his attitude completely stank up the garage on a disastrous day, but he didn’t care. He hadn’t had time alone with Max since Singapore, a race which left both men frustrated and aching for an outlet. Most of their plans ended up like that––Lewis was impatient, often burdened with much more than just racing, and racing was the sole thing which Max cared about. That common ground led to petty arguments, which led to rough sex, but their reasoning was always weak, rehearsed time and time again, foreplay being therapy.

Usually, Lewis was fine with that. He loved fucking Max senseless and watching his nonchalant behaviour falter; the facade slipping with only him. That sent something akin to a primal possession down his spine, and he tried to ignore it, since it was a ‘heat of the moment’ thing. But Lewis had enough.

It had been over a month since he felt Max’s calloused, rough hands as he held them above the Dutchman’s head, littering his pale skin with red marks, which he hoped were a permanent reminder of their situation. Was it a little too much? Of course. Lewis was way older than Max, and with this came an inherent maturity when approaching love and sex. He knew he didn’t love Max, but he also felt devoted; such was why he didn’t seek another sexual partner during this drought. It felt criminal to do so.

After their conversation on Saturday, the cancelled qualifying session lighting the paddock on fire, Lewis took the matter into his own hands. He made a brief plan, but this would depend on their positions at the end of Sunday.

Driving into parc ferme, Lewis knew today was going to end in success. As he weighed himself, chatting with Sergio, who finished behind him, he watched the gigantic TV screens as the presenter interviewed Max. Fondness grew in his chest as Max grinned from ear to ear, talking about how incredible this race was, how he needed it for his championship, flushed cheeks and childish wonder in his eyes. Lewis related to him so well, and realised Max had increased his winning gap to 62 points––all alone, with an abysmal excuse for a car, his insane talent in the rain making Lewis’ competitive instincts rise. Mercedes had no chance. He laughed to himself, shaking his head.

In the media pen, he kept watching the screens as Max went on a tangent about the race in the cooldown room, nudging shoulders with Pierre, congratulating both Alpine drivers. Brown eyes glued to the way Max adjusted his hair, putting on the yellow cap, Lewis felt an immense jealousy, and the journalist waved a hand in his face multiple times. He blinked out of it, giving her an apologetic smile and making a comment about fatigue. They moved on, but Lewis was conscious of his actions until he went back to the garage, decompressing with a cold shower. Even when he had to do stupid shit per Mercedes’ traditions, he bit back any bratty comments, thinking of Max’s wide smile and cerulean blue eyes.

He waited in the motorhome, debating his next steps. Max’s wins usually called for a Red Bull celebration; then the post-race media procedures, which would mean there was at least an hour until Lewis could pull him aside––alone. So he wasted his time talking to engineers, mechanics, George, who wasn’t the best conversationalist, but it would do. He took a trip to his caravan and relaxed, knowing the TV wouldn’t broadcast post-race media until later. Instagram got boring after a while, and Twitter was a cesspool of controversy, albeit funny.

When his phone said it was almost five o’clock, Lewis went on an adventure. Workers were packing up supplies, preparing them for Las Vegas, and most of the paddock was empty besides the journalists or a few team members who stayed for the conference. A quick look at Twitter again, and he knew it had ended, since the F1 account was posting snippets. With that, he made a beeline towards the Red Bull logo, praying he would not bump into someone important.

It was too easy, he immediately thought as he saw Max standing next to GP, race suit a dark navy, drenched in sticky energy drink liquid. Lewis knew it would be weird if he just went over there, so he waited, biting his manicured nails, until GP got fucking lost.

GP barely turned away, and Lewis was speed walking, almost running, to tap Max on the shoulder. Max’s eyes widened, and he opened his mouth to speak, but Lewis pressed a finger to his lips, dragging him into an alleyway between the motorhomes. Max tried to speak again, but Lewis put an entire tattooed hand on his mouth this time, listening to their surroundings with a hasty heartbeat.

After hearing some mechanics ask about Max’s whereabouts, he tensed, but let go. Max cocked his head; Lewis crossed his arms against his chest, staring him down, expectant. Max didn’t speak.

“Seriously,” Lewis gave in, peeking around the corner to check for anybody, keeping his volume low. “I just can’t get you alone.”

Max seemed to understand now––he raised his eyebrows, a familiar smile creeping onto his face. “You were looking for me?”

“Yeah,” Lewis said, fiddling with a braid. He was so grateful he wasn’t the one submerged in champagne; he hated dealing with the aftermath. “It’s been so long, I––” he stopped himself, putting a hand on the back of his head. “Congrats on the win. It was an amazing drive,” he opted for this instead.

“Thank you,” Max said, exhaling. “Is that all you wanted to say?”

Lewis inhaled sharply, fighting the urge to turn Max around and fuck him into the wall right then and there, with no care for public decency. Blue eyes bore into his own, and Lewis studied them––Max was so stupid, sometimes.

“Do you remember the last time I saw you? Like this?” Lewis asked, placing his hands on Max’s hips, feeling satisfied with how they just fit. “September. We haven’t talked properly since then.”

Max, clearly drunk on his victory, was toying with him, and he nodded slowly. “Uh, huh. Am I missing something?” His smile turned into a mischievous grin, to which Lewis rolled his eyes, realising.

“You fucking brat,” he said, gripping even tighter. Max licked his lips and placed his hands around Lewis’ neck, leaning in.

“I can’t let you fuck me here,” he whispered, and Lewis swore he felt his dick seethe for him. “Trust me––I really want to.”

Enough was enough, Lewis thought, feeling that familiar urge, the incessant one which taunted his mind until he got what he wanted. He closed the gap between them, thick lips tasting the alcohol which he hated so much, getting high on Max’s presence. Max tugged on his lower lip, his want just as heavy, pulling Lewis closer than physically possible as Lewis felt his dick harden. Lewis pulled back from the kiss.

“Be quiet and good, okay?” He asked, but it wasn’t really a question. Max nodded, and Lewis’ mind travelled at a million miles per hour––he wanted to kiss Max again, feel his saliva, let it mingle with his own. He wanted to hear Max’s moans, wanted to hear him fight them, knowing they were in a perilous situation. Fuelled by the need to please the champion, he kept one hand on his waist and pulled Max’s cap off with the other, combing through sticky, untamed hair, placing hickies on his neck. But slowly, so slowly, Max would eventually complain. Lewis didn’t let him, though, and despite the great fun he was having, he knew he needed to be quick. He pulled Max’s suit and fireproofs down, swearing under his breath as he fought the fabric.

Once he’d dealt with that, he got on his knees, to which Max protested, but Lewis was set on giving Max a deserved sucking, a reward for his immaculate driving. It was also the intense longing in his heart which he didn’t address, but the feeling was there, polluting his coherent pattern of thought. He tugged on Max’s boxers, and Max helped him, letting his erection free. Lewis immediately got to work, holding the base and pumping it. When Max bucked his hips, trying his best to stay silent, Lewis changed course and licked the tip gingerly.

“Lewis––” Max said, placing a hand on his braids, being careful as not to pull them. “You need to be quick about––jesus––“

“I know, Max. Fuck,” he felt his knees pulsate from being on concrete for so long, his age catching up with him. He played with Max’s balls, earning a breathy moan; his name, the only one which should leave those pretty lips. “I’m being quick,” he said before taking Max’s length with hollowed cheeks, tasting salty precome as he sucked. It was sloppy, and not his best performance, he knew, but he just wanted to satisfy Max, give him an orgasm. One he would remember the next time they raced in Brazil––the next time he saw this very area in the paddock.

And he met that goal––he felt Max’s arms go limp on him. He heard his strangled moans, some of which were in Dutch, as his climax was nearing. Lewis felt a little dampness in his own boxers, the mere thought of swallowing making him aroused.

“Shit,” Max swore, coming in Lewis’ mouth without warning. Lewis swallowed, grimacing at the bitter taste, feeling the warm liquid slither down his throat. He pulled off Max’s dick with a wet sound and freed his knees as he stood up, letting Max taste himself as he slammed his lips against the other’s once more. Max took control with his tongue, feeling Lewis’ mouth. They pulled back to breathe, and when they did, Lewis inhaled shakily, feeling the adrenaline dissipate to welcome the soreness in his legs.

“I know we’ve been busy,” he began with a hoarse voice, taking Max’s hands and interlocking their fingers. Max hummed, still recovering from his high. “But we really need to hang out more.”

“Hanging out being…?” Max asked, letting his head rest against the wall, wearing a lazy smile which made Lewis’ heart skip a beat.

“Yeah, we fuck,” Lewis shrugged, “and we have fun beyond just that.” he felt his cheeks go hot at the cryptic confession, at the idea of spending time with Max without fucking his soul out every time. A sign that despite their promise, he felt something and wondered if Max reciprocated.

“We can do that,” he said after a minute, rubbing Lewis’ hands with his thumbs. Always so easy. “I don’t mind that.”

They looked at each other in mutual understanding, and Lewis was already making plans in his head, wondering where he could fit Max into his already busy schedule. Max let go of his hands to pull his clothes up, then pulling his race suit to his waist; if one saw him right now, they would not notice he came in his so-called rival’s mouth. They both laughed at the thought.

“You realise how risky that was, right?”

“Obviously.”

“Freak,” Max said in a playful tone, failing to wink, and Lewis snorted, his bright teeth on display as he smiled. Max cupped his cheek and softly pecked his lips, being so gentle compared to earlier. “I’m gonna go. You wait for a minute and leave too, yeah? We’ll meet again.”

You better fucking mean it, Lewis thought, but did not say that. He grabbed Max’s cap from the floor, put it on the blonde’s head. Max gave him an apologetic smile and finally faced away as he walked onto the main road, strolling to his garage as if he had never disappeared. It might as well have been like that, since they finished with such quickness.

Max was out of view, so Lewis waited for a while before doing the same thing, drunk with excitement as he went to deal with the tightness in his boxers.

When he commented on Max’s Instagram post later that day, he made sure to write exactly what he had said in that alleyway. He even debated putting a heart next to it.

[adrienneleclerc]

Parents Day

Masterlist

Paring: Xavier Thorpe x Mexican!Reader

Summary: it’s parent’s day and Xavier is finally going to meet his girlfriend’s parents.

Warnings: Spanish with translation. Boyfriend!Xavier, involved parents, probably many spelling mistakes

A/N: Since I don’t know much folklore or mythical creatures from different Latin American countries, I made the reader to be a catrina like La Muerte from Book of Life because it revolves around Mexican culture and that’s the culture I know the most. If you haven’t seen The Book of Life, La Muerte is made entirely of white sugar candy with knee-length black licorice hair that is tied in a low ponytail and multi-colored glowing eyes with aqua eyeshadow that are in shades of gold and red. Though a catrina itself is just a skeleton, La Muerte is different. La Muerte has magic to transform herself into a human, has telekinesis, can revive anything including nature, controls and generates fire, and in her catrina form, she leaves trail of marigold petals and levitates herself. So to avoid any confusion in Nevermore, Y/N is usually in the human form that she has created for herself. When her parents come in for parents day, they are in their catrina form. Xavier knows Y/N is a catrina but he has NEVER seen her in her catrina form. Understand? Cool.

This is how La Muerte looks, Y/N’s catrina form is basically like that but smaller since Y/N is younger. Y/N’s mom is basically La Muerte in her Catrina form

Y/N was hanging in Xavier’s art shed, just watching him paint.

“Are you excited for parents day tomorrow?” Xavier asked Y/N as she plays with the marigold plant she gave Xavier last week. “Kinda, why?” Y/N asked. “So I can finally meet your parents. You barely talk about them. Like I know you talk to them on the phone a lot but you never talk to me about them.” Xavier said as he got closer to Y/N. “There’s not much to tell, we’re a very Mexican family.” Y/N commented, waving her hand over the marigold so more flowers can sprout.

“Well I cant wait to meet them. I’ve even been practicing my Spanish.” Xavier said, sitting next to Y/N. “That’s good that you’ve been practicing.” Y/N commented. “I do have a question though, how come I’ve never seen you in your Catrina form?” Xavier asked. Y/N was shocked at the question, for the years you guys have been friends, months of dating, he has never asked this before. “I’ve been reading up on Catrinas so I don’t say anything stupid in front of your parents, right? In this book of Mexican Folklore, it says that a Catrina is made up of white sugar, candy, has black licorice for hair, their eyes are glowing candles, their faces are decorated, their clothes are made up of candy too. Catrinas are literally made up of sugar, slice, and everything nice! But they have the ability to take on different human forms. I’ve always seen you in your human for, how come I’ve never seen you in Catrina form?”

For Y/N it was a sensitive topic. Not that she didn’t like her Catrina form, she LOVED it, it was very beautiful, reminds her of when she would visit Mexico and see all her relatives. However, being the only Catrina in Nevermore, Y/N became self conscious.

“I’m not entirely comfortable with being in my Catrina form in front of people that are not my family.” Y/N said, when Xavier was about to say something, Y/N’s phone rang, a Luis Miguel song playing, Y/N got off the seat and walked towards his paintings. “My mom, LOVES him, bueno? (Hello)” Y/N answered the phone.

“Hola mi amor! Como has estado? Mañana es el Parents Day de tu escuela así que tu padre y yo vamos a estar contigo todo el día, llevaremos a tu hermano, me encantaría conocer a todos tus amigos. (Hello my love. How have you been? Tomorrow is Parents Day at your school so your dad and I will be with you the entire day, we’ll bring your brother with us too, I would love to meet all of your friends)” her mom said.

“Sí, claro mami. Van a estar con su forme humano o Catrina? (Yeah, of course. Are you guys gonna be in human form or Catrina form?)” Y/N asked. “Forme humano para no llamar mucho la atención. Pero eso sí, cuando ya me cansé, me vuelvo catrina, no entiendo como puedes mantenerte en forme humano todo el tiempo, aveces cansa (Human for to lay low. But once I’m tired, I’m going back to my Catrina form, I don’t get how you can stay in your human form all the time, it’s exhausting)” her mom commented. “Si lo sé, te hablo luego, adios (Yeah, I know, I’ll talk to you after, bye)” Y/N hung up the phone, Xavier just stared at her. “What?”

“I just love hearing you speak Spanish.” Xavier said with a loving smile. “Maybe you could teach me Spanish!” Xavier said, Y/N just laughed in disbelief, “Last time I tried teaching you Spanish, you didn’t pay attention like at all, so no. Stick to duolingo, guapo.” Y/N commented. “I know that word! It means handsome, right?” Xavier asked Y/N as he got up to stand in front of her, his hands on her hips. “Yes it does, good job.” Y/N said, Xavier leaned down and kissed her. They continued kissing until they ran out pf breath. “If we keeping kissing like that, I won’t be able to stop.” Xavier said, leaning his forehead against hers. “I’m going back to my dorm, don’t stay here too late.” Y/N said, giving Xavier one final kiss before leaving his art shed. As Y/N was walking back to Ophelia Hall, she was making figures with her fire powers, so much fun. She saw Yoko and Enid talking.

“Finally you’re here! We’re having a sleepover in the dorm, Divina and Wednesday are coming too.” Yoko told Y/N. “Are you sure Wednesday is the sleepover type?” Y/N asked, looking at Enid. “Maybe she’ll surprise you. I can’t wait to meet your parents tomorrow! What are they like? Are they really made out of candy? Are they coming in their Catrina form? I was asking Wednesday about Catrinas because Xavier has the book.” Enid said and Y/N was shocked. “Why do you want to learn about Catrinas?”

“Because you are one! No one is teaching us about different creatures and outcasts from around the world so I gotta learn.” Enid said. They entered Yoko and Y/N’s dorm and waited for Divina and Wednesday for the sleepover. “How is your mom dealing with the whole ‘not being able to wolf out’ thing?” Yoko asked Enid as Enid was painting Y/N’s nails a pastel blue color. “She’s not handling it well, I swear, we she comes for Parents Day, it’s going to be awful. I’m better off meeting Ajax’s parents, that doesn’t sound too bad, actually.” Enid said, a few minutes later Divina and Wednesday showed up. “Girls, you’re just in time, sit on the floor, let’s get started.” Yoko said.

Meanwhile Xavier and Ajax were playing video games. “Dude, I just don’t know what to say to her parents. What if they don’t speak English?” Xavier said. “There’s a reason why you’ve been learning Spanish. Just relax, her parents can’t be different from Y/N, you’ve been learning about Catrinas, why are so nervous about meeting them tomorrow?” Ajax asked, they have been having this same conversation for a week.

“I don’t know, i just want to make a good first impression.” Xavier said. “I’m sure you will. Now one last round before you go back to your dorm.” Ajax said.

The next day was Parents Day, Principal Weems finished her announcement. Enid was sitting with her parents, Wednesday was with her parents and Pugsley, Xavier and Y/N were sitting together at a table, talking to Ajax.

“There is no way you stoned yourself. I thought there were some showers without the mirrors.” Y/N said as she laughed after hearing Ajax’s story about why he couldn’t make his date with Enid. “There are! Those were taken though, such a horrible experience, even if it does last a couple of hours.” Ajax said. “My folks are here, I’ll talk to you guys later.” Ajax said, hugging both Y/N and Xavier. When Y/N and Xavier were talking, Y/N saw her parents walks in…they were in Catrina form. “Ay, no manches (no way)” Y/N said looking at her mom, she walked towards her parents.

“Hola hoja, como has estado? (Hi, how have you been?)” Y/N’s dad asked her, hugging her. “Pensé que iban a estar en forme humano, qué pasó? (I though you guys were gonna be in human form, what happened)” Y/N asked her dad, getting out of his hug. “Dante quería estar en su forme alebrije, por lo menos tu hermano está en forme humano (Dante wanted to be in his alebrije form, at least your brother is in human form)” Y/N’s mom said. “You couldn’t give me a warning?” Y/N asked her brother. “I would have but mom took away my phone.” Y/N’s brother said, she was gonna keep talking to him until she felt Xavier come up from behind her and hugged her.

“Are these your parents, babe?” Xavier asked. “Obviously, mami, papi, él es Xavier, mi novio. (Mom, dad, he is Xavier my boyfriend.)” Y/N said. “Mucho gusto conocerlos, señor y señora, mi español no es muy bueno pero estoy tratando lo mejor que puedo (nice you meet you, my Spanish isn’t really good but I’m doing the best I can)” Xavier said and Y/N looked proud, she kissed his cheek.

“Well, Xavier, it is nice to meet you too. Where are your parents?” You mom asked in English but with an accent. “My dad couldn’t make it.” Xavier said. “Oh that’s fine son, just spend the day with us, it will be fun, we brought tacos.” Y/N’s dad said. Xavier smiled, “I would love that, thank you.”

They went to the park/picnic area of the school so they could eat. “Here you go, honey, you should add the salsa to your taco, it tastes so good.” Y/N’s mom said. “Sure, thank you, is it spicy?” Xavier asked. “No, not really.” The whole family replied, Xavier added the salsa to his taco and took a big bite, a few seconds later, his eyes were watering and drank about half his bottle of water. “That’s really spicy, what the heck.” Xavier said.

“Rule number one; of a Mexican says something isn’t spicy, it is. If they say it’s a little spicy, it’s very spicy. If they says it’s very spicy, don’t eat it. Now you’re all caught up.” Y/N said as she finished her taco. The day continued that way until everyone’s parents had to leave, they said their goodbyes and now Xavier and Y/N were in his shed.

“I wanted to show you something. But first close your eyes.” Y/N said. Xavier did what she asked. “Okay, now open them.” Xavier opened his eyes and low and behold, Y/N was in her Catrina form. She looks very similar to her mom, except instead of having a big hat with candles and skulls, Y/N had a flower crown made out of marigolds, with 3 small skulls, and 2 small candles. Her dress was made up of cherry fruit roll ups, decorated with marigolds, the hem of the dress was lined with candles as well but the dress went up to their knee.

“What do you think?” Y/N said, she was floating, gauging Xavier’s reaction. “You look absolutely beautiful. Can I paint you like this?” Xavier asked. “Sure.” Y/N “flew” to the stool that Xavier longed her to, leaving a trail of marigold petals and she sat on the stool. “Is this pose fine, Xavi?” Y/N asked. “Yeah, babe, you’re good.” After about 2 hours of painting, Xavier was finished. Xavier showed Y/N the painting and when she saw it, she was so happy, his painting was amazing. He moved his hand in front of the painting to make it move and the Catrina in the portrait began dancing and twirling around. Y/N went back to her human form.

“Xavier, I love it, it turned out so beautiful.” Y/N hugged Xavier and Xavier kissed her forehead. “Of course, this is probably one of my favorite paintings yet. You, my love, are a walking work of art.” Xavier said and kissed Y/N. “You’re so sweet. Let’s go to your dorm though, maybe I can thank you a little more intimately.” Y/N said as they walked out of his shed.

Hope you guys like it, if you know of any other “mythical creatures” native of Latin American countries, it would awesome if you let me know. If not, every Hispanic outcast reader will be a Catrina or a Nagual.

[yuyu1024]

Goodbye Kiss

Pairings: Hongjoong x Y/N

Genre/tags: Break up

Warning: sad fluff? cursing [lmk if i miss anything]

Words: 1.3k

Disclaimer:

- this story is just made up

- english is not my first language, please be nice 😊

Note: repost

A/Nsomething from my drafts that I forgot to post. I cant remember when I wrote this. I just noticed it now. Something short only 😊

***

"This is bullshit!" My boss throws the resignation letter I handed to him on his desk. He is so angry. "Y/n, my dear, you are resigning to your job... the job you've worked hard for... the job you earned because of your dedication... the job you've always wanted... you are throwing it away just because of some guy?"

I am standing in front of my boss, who is also my friend for years, crying and shaking like a twig. "I have no choice..." I mumble under my breathe. "We both know I can't avoid him here... coz fuck... he is the son of the owner of our company..."

"But y/n... this is your life we're talking about... your career... your future..."

"I know... And yes it may sound cliché like in dramas or whatever but... you know our story..."

Seonghwa, my boss, sighs heavy as he leans his head and back to his chair. He's trying to calm himself down and take off his 'boss' hat of for a second.

"Y/n...  Hongjoong is a good person."

"I know."

"It may look cruel coz he can't fight for you... for your relationship... but you know if he can. He will."

"I know." Tears won't stop falling from your cheeks. "I dove into our relationship... knowing I can never be part of his future... I am just a staff... and he is..." I wipe my tears away and take a deep breathe. "His fiance is a good person. She's kind and sweet. And she does not deserve a relationship with Hongjoong having me on the side. Even just from his eye level so... yeah... they need a fresh start... and so am I."

"So you are choosing to go away... to avoid any issues?"

I nod.

"This is bullshit." He sighs.

"I know. You've had warned me before. And i'm so stupid not listening to you..."

"So, where are you planning to go? Which company?"

You look down at your knotted fingers and try to smile even with the puffiest eyes ever. "You'll curse even more if I tell you that... I'm planning to take a break for awhile..."

"Break? Like what? A week?"

"No..."

"3 weeks?"

"No..."

"Fuck. A month?!?"

I press my lips together before saying, "Two months... at least."

Seonghwa slams his hand on the table, eyes wide. "What the fuck?!"

"I'm going to the country side... to visit my grandparents... to clear my mind and plus to visit them." I pause for a bit. "Or stay with them for awhile."

"Are you crazy? How about your career? Like your living..  I mean... how will you earn money? You mother who we know loves the money you give her every month will explode."

"I know. But don't worry... I got it covered. I applied to a few online jobs... the remote ones... and I have a few that is waiting for my answer..."

"Fuck." He collapses on his chair. "I lost one arm... you leaving me here..."

"Don't worry... you can do it. You have one heck of a team."

"But still..." he runs his fingers through his hair. "Anyways... whatever. I can't do anything about it. You are decided."

"Thank you."

His eyes shifted from stressed to calm. "Just call me if you need anything okay?"

"I will. Thank you."

Then as I was about to leave Seonghwa's office, the door suddenly slams open. It's Hongjoong. His dark brown hair is dripping with sweat and his white sleeves are rolled over just before his elbow. His tattoos are out. He never shows his tattoos especially if he's in the office building.

"Sir...." Seonghwa walks around his table and stands beside me. "I thought you were at the--"

"I was." He answers, panting. He then closes the door behind him.

His stares to me, is not faltering.

"Hongjoong..." I murmur under my breathe. Almost sounding like a whine.

"Can you please give us a few minutes?" Hongjoong asks Seonghwa

"Sir... I would but the people outside..." Seonghwa and I glance at each other.

"Tell them to fucking go to break or whatever. I don't fucking care. Just give us a minute." He says, gritting his teeth together

Hongjoong never yells at people like this. He can always control his temper. But now, he...

"Please..." hongjoong adds

"Okay sir." Seonghwa finally agrees. "I'll be outside okay?" He quietly says to me before walking pass Hongjoong. And the second he opens the door, he yells to everyone to have a two hour break. Urgently.

It may look a bit too much but I know everyone knows what's happening. Unless they are new.

My relationship with Hongjoong is never a secret. Everybody knows it. Even his parents. But that doesn't give me the assurance that they like me. They know Hongjoong as the silly and playboy son. Someone who does not take anything seriously besides his work. That's how I got to know him too. We all labeled him as the rich kid who have everything and gets what he wants especially the girls. That's why I also never thought that I would be in a situation like this too.

Two years into working in this company, their company. I got promoted and had a chance to meet him personally. Outside work I mean. In my new position I got to go places that we need to meet him nor his parents for a business meeting or conferences. Long story short, we get to spend the time together and had a drink or two.

It all started because of a mistake. A one night stand. And then it went on to him, always looking for me. Asking me for a date and all. I hated it at first but I got to know him. I got to know the side, the gentle person that he is, that no one knows. I fell in love. Hard.

"Wooyoung told me... you are planning to resign..."

"Yeah... I just did."

"Why?"

"You know why..."

He exhales exasperatedly. "You're leaving me?"

"Hongjoong... you are getting married."

"I know!" He stomps his way towards me and embraces me, tightly. "I hate the fact that it's not you who I am marrying."

Tears begin to fill up my eyes again but I try my best not to fall apart. "We know that this is going to be our ending.. no matter when and how..."

"I'm sorry..." he nuzzles his face onto my neck. "I'm really sorry Y/n..."

I hate our story but not him. Hongjoong didn't do anything bad to me besides love me with all his heart. That's what fucking hurting me so much that I chose to leave. The fact that he will have to love someone better than me. The fact that he will have to share bed with another woman, and not me anymore. That he will have to kiss her and not me.

"I will miss you." I whisper to him

"Why do you have to leave?" He says as he looks me into the eyes

"For your future wife. She does not deserve to get hurt..."

"Why do you care about her more than your own feeling?"

"Hongjoong... she is a nice person..."

"She knows about us. About my love for you!"

"Still..."

"Fuck!" He looks frustrated. "I can't live without you! I love you!"

"I love you too... but..."

"Fuck this!" He growls before he grabs me by the waist and crashes his lips to mine.

A kiss that's expresses his frustration, his lost and his feeling of longing even though I'm still standing right in front of him.

We are finally breaking up. This kiss officially ends our more than two years of being in love. This is the kiss that will end us but then also the beginning of us being individuals.

"I love you..." he cries, "always have and always will."

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

hiiiiiiii we havent sent you any asks for some time. mostly because kanra didnt front much

[idk if you can recognize us after all the url changes]

ereyesterday our their of pissed suggested getting into an outpatient psychward and told us to think about it. and silver[headmate] made a post on the tumbler saying that this could be a bad idea because somewhat recently i made a hole in a wall and less than a week ago Lyra messed up a cupboard. as if we're the only ones who on occasion damage stuff when angered. this is literally so mean for no reason.

also. a few months ago shinra had an accident with a knife. and we got a fun new 1 inch long scar and possibly a little bit of nerve damage or something. and we were supposed to get some reminder tetanus shot around a month after that since i had no idea when was my previous tetanus shot. and i uhhhhhhh didn't get it since i'm scared of doctors, and it would probably seem quite weird if i went to a doctor about this now

also im sorta balding but. scared of doctors so cant do anything about that

last sunday i was in some social studies class or some other shit. and the teacher said something about how lgbt people were never oppressed in this country. which is a very bold thing to say as someone living in a country in which like a quarter of the area declared itself a "lgbt free zone" and only calmed down a little when the european onion told them that that's probably illegal. and i decided to argue with the teacher a bit. one of the things she said was that sometimes there's dudes in pup masks on pride parades, which invokes disgust and thus should be banned, and. idk why but i kinda expected teachers to have a bit more common sense than 14 year old twitter users. also i came to school wearing a spiked dog collar on a regular basis. [for reasons unrelated to kink.]

well. good thing i'm failing every single one of my classes lmao. at least i won't be invoking disgust in fragile old ladies

also. i just met a doggy and he was very niceys. very soft and friendly. and polite also.

- toby

HOW COULD I NOT RECOGNIZE U MY BESTIE IN CHRIST <3 u changed ur url a binch of times but ur icon remained the same sdlfndnfkjsnsdf so i was able to keep track!

i however do not understand a single word of that first paragraph. if u want my advice, DO NOT. FUCKING GO. TO A PSYCH WARD!!!!! idfc Who it helped, it hurts a lot more than it helps, theres NO WAY to tell which psych wards are good and which are shit. no really let me go thru them all rn:

REFERRALS: most professionals that work in different offices do not know each other on a personal level and may never hear of their bad stories. a doctor that was the chillest coolest doctor id ever met referred me to a psychiatrist that sucked fucking ass shit. there is no way to know for sure

GOOGLE REVIEWS: im gonna b real i dont trust some of those mfs. you seen the guys that go into psych wards? a lot of mentally ill people r internalizers and just accept whatever happens to them, and even if they arent, society looks down on the mentally ill SO MUCH that they could b told "you deserve this bc ur crazy" and due to all this societal gaslighting, theyd agree

REVIEWS ON OTHER WEBSITES: same thing lol

why is this so important? because you cannot Fucking leave a psych ward. an outpatient ward yeah you can leave, but ive been to both in and outpatient and they excert the same level of bullshit control over their patients. in outpatient, one of the therapist told me "you are not mentally ill" and made me cry lol. she MEANT to mean it in a "you're not mentally ill, you're ~suffering from a mental illness~ uwu dont let ur disorder define you" kinda way, but that concept was introduced in therapy..... two days after she told me this. like hello? and then she tried to spin it as like, it was a problem with Me i.e. My PTSD Was Triggered and not She Is Dog Shit At Timing The Explaining Of Concepts.

this place also invited my abuser into group therapy even after me incessantly telling them "this is my abuser, she will use all this against me" and yeah guess what she did immidiatley after lol

dont go to wards.

WRT THE KNIFE: damn :0 thats insane dude, hopefully the nerve damage will heal but from experience its gonna take like, a few years at minimum lmao. i had a Knife Incident involving my pinky and the nerve damage was so bad that i couldnt hold scissors w my pinky in the scissor loop thing but evenchually it got better but it took like 4 years. if the knife was clean and not rusty ur risk of tetanus is pretty low i THINK, do not quote me on this. if ur scared of doctors, look into if ur pharmacy offers tetanus shots! some pharmacies have vaccinations other than flu and covid (which i need 2 get lol rip) so u might be able to get one THERE and not see A Doctor about it!

u dont need a doctor for the balding. minoxidil my dear boy, its at walmart, its the stuff thats in rogaine. you want "minoxidil 5%" thats whats in rogaine, theres "minoxidil 3%" thats For Girls but idk ive never heard of anyone having a problem w it. IT IS TOXIC TO CATS THOUGH IT IS VERY VERY TOXIC TO CATS IF YOU HAVE A CAT DO NOT LET THEM FUCKING TOUCH YOU OR RUB ON YOU UNTIL IT DRIES ok? :) id google more if i were u but boom. problem solved. i am the doctor now

"dog masks invoke disgust and should be banned" babygirl disgust is subjective and like, someone could use that logic to ban whatever YOU like, or Are. maybe someone is really disgusted by lil old ladies bc the wrinkles look gross as fuck to them. should we quarrantine the grandmas?

also lol at the dig against 14 year old internet puritans and then surprise surprise guess what happened on This Very Blog while this ask was sitting n collecting dust!! i gotta b on my best behavior bc theres a nonzero chance that The Feds will be looking at this blog (did u know u dont report cybercrime to local police and instead theres a form on the fbi's website? Well Now You Know!) and that goes 4 all of u too. bart please be good..... for the love of GOD please be good....... please tell me yall know that simpsons scene

also also yay doggy!! was it a regular dog or a dude in a pup mask? either way very fun n cool!!!

[pupuseriazag]

Tw: venting (mentions of death trauma, family problems, etc)

I think I am going through another episode like years ago, I have tried my best to keep myself stable and silence the dangerous and panic inducing thoughts but I dont know how much more I will be able to endure.

For those that dont know, I have major anxiety and phobia to death. In 2021 I had to be taken to a psychologist because I broke down in my moms arms, not being able to stop the constant storm of my brain making me panic about how one day Im not going to be here,that I could die any moment and I dont have a guarantee of whats going to happen after that... Its hell, its horrible I love living so much and I know I should already have processed the thoughts... But I cant man. I cant and its horrible to live like this.

I was medicated with anxiety pills (my mom was afraid I could get addicted to antidepression pills until months later another doctor actually prescribed them to me) and ever since I "became better" I've been feeling guilty to ask her to buy me more because I dont want to worry her more.

Before turning 18 I NEVER visioned myself getting to live 24. I cried the early morning I turned 18 because I just didnt knew what to do. I still dont know what to do.

Im at 24 and Im getting let down more and more by life. Situation at home is still shitty and I just... Dont see a way for us to leave here.

Its been 5 fucking years since we began searching for a home to move away from my dad (to clarify: my dad is not physically nor verbally abusive. But he is a cheater, a selfish person and emotionally manipulative jobless liar.) and we cant... We just cant. Everywhere expects you to be paying 400$ a month for a one room apartment or 90k for a home thats falling apart, we cannot afford to move to another departament because of my university and her job. Traffic from other cities like San Marcos, San Martin and even Mejicanos is just too fucking much. Its already too much where we live.

Even if I had a job, we couldnt be able to move somewhere better, we have been stuck here for 5 years, two fucking years taken from covid and 3 to try to stabilize ourselves after that (plus his medical bills after he got kidney stones riiiight after leaving his job, very fucking convenient)

We cant even move to my grandma's or my mom's sister's house. They live on the other side of the country and they have always been very vocal about being against my mom and siding with my dad. And even tho we have the support of some of my dad's sisters... We just cant move to their home.

Everyday I wake up here is like being stuck in a time loop. Every day is the fucking same and I just find a way to distract myself before being yanked back to reality, same with my mom. And you know the worst? I also have to be my moms therapist.

Im tired man, all of this is driving me crazy and the hopelessness I feel when I realize my position is just... Overwhelmingly sad. I hate this life, I hate the life I was given and I hate being brought to a broken family, I hate that my life could have been better if ONLY my dad was not a piece of shit cheating on my mom and putting HIS family side before us, I hate that things could have been so... So much different if only he was a good person. Im not strong enough to continue pretending its not affecting my mental health, no wonder the intrusive thoughts increased these months... These past days.

I feel miserable, I feel worthless, I feel like everything is not worth it. I have insomnia until like 4 am and I panic when I cant find anything I can listen to so I can get some sleep. I havent been able to draw because I dont feel its worth it... I have only been able to distract myself playing and going to uni.

And even putting my family problems aside, I still cant find joy or hope. National news and seeing how this country its being turned into the gringos/politicians playhouse, how even if my life was "better" Im still in danger for being a queer afab person. How people still have blind faith in a fascist regime and money runs lower and lower for the working class meanwhile they proudly announce the inauguration of gentrified beaches and zones of San Salvador, displacing markets and historial establishments to put a fucking starbucks and other multinationals to be more gringo friendly while zones like Apopa and Soyapango are heavily militarized and the police can just say you are linked to the gangs to abuse you.

On top of that coming to terms that I may not end up working in anything art related and having to accept thar if I ever get a job Ill have to rot in an office, seeing how even tho I want to stay away from the norm I feel forced to join it... And that also means having to ""accept my prewritten gender role"".

Everyday that passes feels as if life will force me to live as a straight cis woman or otherwise I will just have to accept being alone the rest of my life.

I know Im being too negative right now, Im letting out how I've been feeling because lately its just been... Too much. Last night I even had a small disagreement with my mom because Im just not in the mood for being her therapist during this we're dealing. I know my dad is an asshole and I know hes using the few money he has to pamper his other woman instead of helping with the bills, I already know he tries to lie to us and acts as the victim. Its tiring to go through the same conversation about him everyday.

So yeah, back to my life... I just wish for some peace you know? I wish for a house where I can actually see the sky from my window and not worrying about at least my family problems. Srry for the sudden emotional explosion

[adveturousend]

Tonight is your lucky night,ma'am

pairing : Hangman x reader, a*hole bf x reader

Summary: a bad night turns into a lucky one

"This is not the way it's supposed to be" - these words were ringing inside your head constantly for the last 3 days. 3 days ago you were hapilly getting off your plane to FINALLY meet up with your boyfriend,Roy. Tall,handsome ,charming Roy. Caring, loving, insanely hot Roy. Head over hills , cross my heart and hope to die,love of your life Roy.

3 days ago you wouldn't hesitate for a second to leave your good life in Europe and become domesticated wifey if he'd ask you to. 3 days ago you would move to a cabin in the woods or a freaking cave if he'd asked you to. You would do absolutely and totally everything just to be with him. But this was 3 days ago. 3 damn days change your perspective entirely.Now, all you could think of is how stupid and naive you are. How blind you are. What a damn idiot you are. What a sad and insecure person you've become. Since you saw him on the airport you knew something wasn't right. He kissed you with his eyes open, he didnt even take your luggage on his own will,you literally put it in his hand by yourself. Not really subtle,but ok. When you had sex first time in 6 months ,it was quick and not really passionate. He seemed annoyed all the time . You wanted him to show you some of the beautiful sunny San Diego, but he wasnt willing to. He didn't even took a day off work just to be with you. It all was jus't not right. Alarms were ringing in your head but being a polite,well mannered girl ,you stayed silent. You clearly saw that he was not the same person you thought you knew ,which caught you by surprise. When you met for the first time roughly 8 months ago, he was a perfect match . 10/10. He litterally swoop you out of your feet. Dinner dates , long phone calls, flowers, chocolates ,romantic walks,gazing into your eyes, great sex, fun and outgoing- everything you ever wanted in a man...yeah well,you thought that until 3 fucking days ago.

"Let's go back ,its freezing and it's getting late" -a harsh voice snapped you back to reality and put an end to your intrusive thoughts. Well, just put them on hold ,to be more precise. You looked up to meet Roy's eyes - dark and unfeeling. If you weren't feeling cold before , the look he gave you sent shiver down your spine. Or maybe it was an ocean breeze. Or maybe both. "Let's stay just a couple minutes more?" you asked quietly . " Sky is gorgeous tonight" you added. He just scoffed and said " you can stay here all night if you want to but I am your ride and I am going ,bye" - Roy started walking away from you. You couldn't believe what you heard . And what you saw. Your bf was literally leaving you alone here!! "Hey,Roy! What are you doing??!!" You cried after him ,but he didn't respond,just kept walking. So you stood up and started running after him. Once you got to him you grabed his arm and yelled "Seriously???" You leaving me here alone? What the hell is wrong with you?!!?

His eyes were even more cold than before ,he gritted his teeth and literally hissed " I am sick and tired of entertaining your ass. All you do is holding onto me like you cannot fucking do anything without me! Since you flew in here all I do is babysit you, gimme a break woman!" With every spoken word his voice was raising and made you feel even more small than you already did. You stared at him with wide eyes and all you could say was quiet " but I came here for you... because of you, you wanted me to finally ..." "well maybe you shouldn't come,maybe I shouldn't string you along"- he cut you off. "What?" you almost choked . "What are you.." - you fight with tears that are coming ,damn,these stupid eyes of yours in the wet place ,always crying so easily. "Y/n, I cant pretend anymore. I dont want you,not anymore,6 months apart is a lot and things changed, just leave me alone" - he said and walked away leaving you alone , on the beach ,in the middle of the night, in a foreign country. He broke up with you,just like that. On the beach,in the middle of the night. IN THE FOREIGN COUNTRY. You stood there in shock. Eyes wet ,but your mind and body freezed. You seemed to not really know how to process what have just happenned. It was like a bad dream. So you just stood there, looking into the abbyss of the ocean , feeling cold breeze chilling through your bones.You haven't even registered when you started walking. You walked and walked and walked. Mindlessly. For hours.For eternity,that's what it felt like. You were slowly coming into your senses when you heard noises.Sounded like music,so you turned your head in this direction and saw faint lights in the distance. "People" you thought. "I need people right now". That was your focus right now. To not be alone. To get back safely to your hotel. Broken heart can wait. Well,it will catch up to you if you want it or not. But now, basic instinct was kicking in - just be safe. You wiped your tears, straighten your back and put on a brave face as you walked on to the door of what looked like a bar full of people you so desperately needed right now. A little drink wouldnt kill you too. You went in, awkwardly smiling and met a gaze and a smile from a very pretty lady behind the bar. You went straight to her "hey,what can I get you?" The woman asked "Hi, um whiskey on the rocks please" "I'm on it" she winked at you and started preparing your drink. All of a sudden you felt someone right beside you leaned on the bar. You looked up and saw a very handsome face and a pair of green eyes boring into you. "Penny,sweatheart ,4 more beers please" . Handsome face spoke never breaking the eye contact with you. "Just a sec ,Hangman, ladies first " said the bartender as she put your drink in front of you and smiled warmly at you. You smiled back and thanked her, pick the glass up and gulped it like water. You hissed as the alcohol burned your throat but it felt good in a way.Liberating.

"Whoa,easy ma'am! That kind od drinking gets you in trouble!" Handsome face spoke again ,this time directly to you flashing it's pearly whites in a wide smile. "I'm already in trouble so oh well I guess" you responded. His smile got even more wider and he said in a lower ,more raspy voice "Soo,do you need a rescue?" As he said it,he shifted his arms and for a brief second he touched you. His warm skin brushed against your icy cold one. You didn't know if it was just beacause he was hot,like,literally, and you were chilled to the bone or maybe it was just adrenaline washing down or maybe whiskey was doing it's job but sudden closeness of this random guy in the bar gave you some comfort. Something you needed badly right now. "I do ,actually" you heard your own voice coming out of your mouth and before you could react and take it back ,the Handsome face got a bit closer to you and said "Tonight is your lucky night,ma'am"

To be continued

[ebdanon]

ask pt 2 slight trigger warning for deaths (yes multiple): my husband was being treated like a little kid, in some instances my fil went into the doc appointment and started talking to the doc himself like parents do to small kids. it was insane. so we schedule an appointment with an infectious disease specialist at the most expensive hospital in the country, with a doctor my aunt knows and trusts, because she said she didnt want to drop us with unreliable care, and this way, we could get a recommendation to the right hospital wing. we saw that doctor, who parroted what my aunt and that one other doc said about seeing a specialist in the gastrointestinal wing, and made the recommendation. it was a few weeks away. now, what you need to know is this is private healthcare, which is super expensive, and all the best doctors that are left in the country work there (less stress higher pay after the pandemic shitstorm), unless they made like my aunt and moved abroad for an even better quality of life. she said if we continue being stuck in this situation, we should get on a plane and go to her, she would make sure he gets the right docs and exams in 48 hours as is the law there (she lives in a country 2h away by plane).

i dont want to go into all the symptoms because those were a whole different kind of scary to see him experience and not know why. and finally, we got an appointment with the right doc, who sees my husband and immediately orders the exams my aunt has been saying he should get for the last two months. they're scheduled a couple of weeks after that appointment (because prep time is mandatory) and are definitely pricey but it's not a big deal because having a freelance salary (me) in a low cost of living country means we can afford it. we also have plenty saved up. he had to do the exam under anesthesia bc they had to take a sample from his gut for further testing just in case, and when he woke up, he started speaking in english instead of our native language. it was the funniest thing that had happened in months, and like andrea after taylor's lasik, i filmed a part of it lmao he kept asking the nurse for some of the meds to take home because those 30min he was out were the best sleep he had in months (the symptoms kept him up) and she was like that's impossible you cant have this outside the hospital, it's what got michael jackson kileld, and my husband went "mj was a smart guy to ask for strong stuff like this" lmaoooo (its true btw its on mj's wiki) and then when his head cleared the doc came in, explained his diagnosis, prescribed meds to ease everything. he has to take them continuously until he starts doing at least a bit better, and he can get checkups with that doc any time. at that point, my client had missed one invoice but i didn't give it much thought with all the other chaos, and it sometimes slipped his mind but he always made sure there wasnt anything too overdue. and then he missed another invoice. and the meds were expensive. my husband also started a limited diet, another expense on top, to check what food triggers symptoms.

we went to our hometown for the easter holidays, armed with the new diagnosis and meds, and diet. stayed with the in laws where my mil did all the cooking. the shit talking continued, now, including my parents - all they care about is themselves, they never called my mil to ask how her son is doing (like i said, treated like a kid, they called me every day to ask for updates as they were worried), all they do is waste money on traveling. now some backstory on that last bit- when they were young, my parents wanted to leave this country, but they never got an opportunity to do so, and instead of mourning that, they figured the next best way to get away is travel. they take trips at least one weekend and each month. even if it's just out of town. both their kids are grown up with their own incomes, they have the ability to spend on that instead of their kids, even though we took at least one vacation abroad per year when i was young. they just love to travel and can finally do it more than ever. idk how my mil feels about traveling, she doesnt generally broach the subject unless its to talk shit about my parents or my fil's brother and his wife who also travel frequently. thats the woman my mil accuses of being a witch lmao. my mil took care of her aging and ill parents for the last decade or so so she hasn't even gone out of town for more than a few hours in that time. and take care in the sense of administer meds to her mom because "she's the medical expert" as we've covered. her dad had a complex issue that she looked after but that was two decades ago when it started, it stabilized in the last decade before he passed. and that meant taking him to appointments, giving food and meds according to schedule. i never met him because he was in hospice when my husband and i started dating. anyway, my mil kept going off about how she was the only one who cared and that's because my husband made her suffer through labor for hours. weird logic there but okay. she went on about how the doctors were all wrong and how she knows best and she's gonna make sure he gets better during the holidays while we're there. instead of boiling his food, she started baking it, but it didnt seem to be doing too much good. when we went back home, i asked her about the baked recipes and she told me all the ingredients. but she added a couple of things that were strictly forbidden according to the doc. and i told her. and she said "well ive been adding them the whole time and he seems to be handling them well". i hung up and immediately told my husband, and all the symptoms still being present suddenly made sense. she was practically poisoning him because shes the expert that knows best. i was pissed, but he told me he'd take care of it and i should let it go.

a few weeks later my fil's mother passed away. she had been suffering with health issues for the last couple of months, begging both her sons to take her to get them checked out, which they both ignored. she and her husband lived with the other son and his family. the sons took her to doctors when she couldn't stand on her feet anymore which was too late. thats when i got to hear my mil scream about how shitty that family treated her the entire time she's known them, when i learned her sister in law is a witch, their horrible treatment of everyone (my husbands family lived in that house too, its common here for brothers to live with their parents and bring their wives in the house, people stopped doing that only in the last few years, but my husband's family had to move out after family drama) and more. idk this woman was basically cursing out her husband for the family he came from and blaming him for it. we went back in town for the funeral so i got to hear all this in person.

a couple of weeks later, my sister in law with her family were coming in town (they live abroad, a town over from my aunt actually) for a week so we went to our home town to see them. on the drive there, we came across a traffic accident between a bike and a van, that ended tragically. ill spare you the details of what i saw. a few hours later i got a call from my best friend. turns out the person that passed away in it was her long term boyfriend, he was coming in town for a conference. they were making wedding plans. picking out home decor. what do you mean?! thats when i wrote 2023 off as the worst year and it wasnt even halfway done. forgot to mention, my other best friend was going through a divorce at the time. she lives halfway across the world but we make sure to give each other the big life events even if we dont talk regularly. it felt like everyone i cared about was suddenly suffering and the only thing i could do was offer support. i couldn't even be properly there for anyone else but my husband. summer came, my husband and i were barely functioning, between his symptoms, his family, and a terrible tragedy (my husband and my bff's boyfriend had been childhood friends). the summer turned worse as my client kept missing payments and ghosting me. family members kept asking to borrow money to make ends meet because they know we're fine and we can't really say no. with the bank account running on fumes, we spent august in our hometown to save up on daily expenses by staying with my in laws. my sister in law and her family were in town again and for a couple of weeks there before my niece started kindergarten, and things were a bit peaceful. except it was all a front, because my mil cant shit talk in front of her son in law.

we went back home at the end of the month, to an apartment infested with cockroaches. appliances started breaking down. i mentioned this bit of the story in another ask i think? it was 8 months of constant hell and without the option to look for another apartment because of missed payments and the plan to move abroad as soon as possible (we were already looking for jobs), we figured we could move with my in laws. that way, we could get everything we own in their huge house which definitely has space, and once we move abroad they can ship all the stuff to us. my parents cant do that because they live in an apartment, not a lot of room there. this is a three story house, with a yard and a big brick shed on top, housing two people. over 3000 sqft of space. my husband asked if it was possible, they said of course, this is your home, you're always welcome to live here.

im gonna break up this story in yet another ask

once again i am deeply terrified of where this is going

also im so sorry for your loss thats terrible :(

[callmejeyaaaaan]

theres this boy that i like for quite sometime now and im really completely head over heels but he likes someone else and sadly for him just like how he is with me she likes someone else as well

i told him

few months ago i told him that i like him and he told me at that moment that he likes someone else but we kinda stayed in touch online to my effort of messaging him almost every day, and were schoolmates so its kinda awkward but then i realize maybe im annoying him too much so i settled with once a week just hi's and hello's how was your week shit, then i jumped into threads, then he followed me, probably the worst decision i made in 2023 is accepting his follow in my priv account. then i saw his threads of ranting and saying that he really likes her.

i think he likes her as much as i like him. maybe even more.

thats when i wanted to distance myself completely and have some self respect. but from time to time id still want it. the conversations the satisfaction of his attention on me, you see we have a lot in common maybe thats why even though we never had anything, even though i have nothing to hold on to i cant let go.

then this happened.

im from southeast asia, a third world country called Philippines, i live across the world to the US then we talked about a week ago, hes leaving. leaving for the US and i dont think i would ever know when hes coming back, why hes going or whats gonna happen to his life when he arrive.

because im not in any position to ask

they say in loving someone you need persuasion. you need to be persuasive and persistent to move forward with someone. but with him, i just cant. i dont want to make myself more of a laughing stock than i already am. but you know, i think i'll regret this, or maybe i'll not. maybe i'll reminisce about him as a regret, or a precious person in my life that made me realize i cant want someone. i can love someone.

theres a part in this song:

So terrified of the road that takes you

Well me too

Don't modify, everyone adores you

At least I do

Everybody has you up on their wall sometimes

Everybody thinks of you when they sleep at night

When I say everybody I'm actually referring to me

this will always be your song. In the Rain.

[dear-happypills]

me: why am i so depressed

always. like, its not getting better...

happypills: you look fine to meh yooo. you look super star.

me: -_-;; i lost confidence in your support a long time ago.

sigh*

happypills: no, but really... i mean, i was asking my friend and his Host's, Jasons i think, situation just..... SUCKS.

like, living in a war torn country... like, you know?

like,.... just surviving.... to literally stay alive

compared to tthhhatt.... id say were doing pretty swell???

me: wait.... you have friends? what friend???

happypills: umm... my friend happypills.

me: wtf.... so when you say Host, does that mean i am your Host??? like how this other happypills is to this jason???

happypills: woww.... youre really not seeing the bigger picture here. all im saying is that you have a home, stable job, food on the table, money coming in....

me: ... and coming out because of all the shit you spend....

happypills: SEEE. why cant you focus on the positive. others think youre doing fineeee.

me: BUT.... IM NOT.

im not ...........

im stifled in anxiety for.... anything and everything... like im barely getting by each thing, every day.

... i..... wake up at night.

and think about some random shit -- past, present, future...

and i obsess over it. FOR HOURS.

and because i cant get sleep because of that, the next day i go to bed at like 8pm. but that turns to 12am .... just thinking. and lying on the bed. for 4 hours.

then i wake up around 1:30am... and do the same thing.

and turns to 4am.

and then at 5am im awake.... and go to work.

and rinse and repeat.

FOR WHAT??? like what???? i do all this just to survive too...

happypills: yea..... BUT i was speaking of surviving in terms of like... a bomb might drop ... and you lose a limb.

surviving like,.... youre starving.

surviving like,.... like someone might just bust into your place and rape you -- legit dick in butt type rape.

surviving like.... do i need to go on?

me: oh, so jason can afford happypills, but hes starving... thats me too. Bleh, ANYWAYS,... anyways,

i UNDERSTAND. but,.................. im drowning.

im....

in paralysis...

to a point where i cant go out of my home, aside from the routine i have of going to work and buying cigarettes.

happypills: ... yea, you really need to stop spending money on postmates.... and you tell me that i spend all your money??? just go out and buy McDonalds....

me: ...................................

.as i was saying....

i ..... am in paralysis. i .... cant ... explain it either. its anxiety... its depression. its stress. its ....

happypills: you just need to go out and meet some people???

me: UGH. you sound like everyone else; youre not listening...

i cant. just do that.... i dont know how to put something new into a routine ive made so that i can afford shit for myself....

JUST TO SURVIVE.

you know....

when i was in college, and students would take leaves for like a year or two.... or take a break from work and travel for a few months...

or something. to pause and change the pace.

that was never an option for me....

because the entire time....

i just want to survive. and get by. and if i took a break, the anxiety of falling behind...

would just get me to keep running....

happypills: oh jeez, its not like you have a PhD... or are a CEO.... or President... chillout

me: im not saying im climbing up... nor do i even want that.

i just.... need to keep a routine going.

a routine where i can exist.

because when it ends.

i dont rest,... but am anxious about not running...

so i forcefully, and barely, find a new routine.... and then run again, and run faster because of this fear of not being able to adapt....

and another cycle again. each time, worse and more difficult than before....

you know what i mean????

like.....yea, as you say, i know im not at immenent threat of being raped... but

i am just surviving....

....with this depression.

ugh........................................

..........................................idk..

i shouldve just.... taken a leave.

....

.

and never come back....

happypills: ....................................

.......................................

YEAaaaHHhHhhhhhhhh.......... ...................

BUT im still not really getting this surviving thing..

i mean compared to jaso..............

me: fuck you.

- happypills

[jewishrevolutionary]

Poverty is not actively recognized in our country nor in the discussions of politics, and I feel deeply hurt and demotivated because of it, especially as someone who has been forced to live in the lowest sectors of it. It ends up being a discussion only used as a trump card, not a regular talking point that needs to be actively recognized. Milenials and Gen Z is the most in poverty, despite all the opportunities people had in college or elsewhere.

Ever since I got kicked out of my parents home, I have moved to the slummiest parts of my state's capital and I live in this shitty, broken down apartment that has lead paint in certain areas, mold in (possibly) the floor, the walls, the ceilings, and other areas. Our bathroom sink and toilet barely work, the refrigerator is broken down, and for the first 6 months, the lock to our front door was completely broken.

In all of that, I and my boyfriend have gone through a plethora of jobs. My boyfriend started talking about unionizing in his first job, got fired almost immediately. His second and third job was too stressful to keep up with mentally. And only now did he get a job that only gave him part time hours.

My first job was too far away to keep working in and they didnt even respect me for all the shitty work they put me through when we only had a skeleton crew. My second job, i got fired for taking a very small tip from someone. And the job Im currently working for is full of shitheads who've gotten recently promoted and are barking and kneeling for the owner and his shitty decisions. (For example, we had a foot and a half of snow and everyone avoided the topic of closing early and shamed me and another coworker for not coming in when it was too unsafe for either of us to leave) I also broke down sobbing during a stressful rush and was blamed for not communicating with my manager about the rush.

Either way, regardless of my own treatement and how much I can tell you about the treatment of my boyfriend at his workplaces, we're still in deep poverty and our rent is going to definitely increase, with the fact that we dont have a car yet that can help get us to and from places. And this constant feeling of dread that I cant escape this has made me so much more less hopeful than I was before.

I have nearly lost my faith in leftist/communist/anarchist movements because there is zero groups in sight in my state and anywhere near where I live. I have tried getting financial help by setting up GoFundMe's, public kofi's or anything. And the constant struggling and difficulty with my recent schedules have made it impossible for me to engage in any of my own artistic interests becsuse of the sheer amount of demotivation I've been through.

I want to be happy, I want to live a fulfilled life, but I dont want to be stuck under this constantly pressuring system that will harm me for not having *credit* and being a young adult.

I need money for a car, but no one is willing to spare because I'm seen as too young and inexperienced. I need credit for getting an apartment, getting a car, getting ANYWHERE, and I fear debt like no one else in the world.

And it has only made me more and more hopeless, because this a problem that is seemingly everywhere, but Americans dont talk about. They wont support each other through it, and I and my boyfriend have talked to people, have tried getting support, but we only get scoffs, angry mullings about making sure we make our own lives better, and advice that gets us nowhere. My boyfriend was told by everyone except his immediate family that trying to unionize was dumb and would have only led to his firing. That he needed to just suck it up and get better.

I want to have hope in people, but this last year has been so dejecting for me and my hope. I dont know what to do anymore. It hurts me a lot that there isnt anything for me to do. I, my boyfriend, and their sibling might become homeless because of the rent increase in the next 3 months, and I feel too dejected to even ask for money anymore because I know no one has money anymore.

I'm just going to end off on the note that I'm not planning anything. I just am going to survive. And if anyone wants to help, I just need help with saving up for a car so send me a DM or something. I have about 1200 between me and my boyfriend.

And be sure to ask everyone you know about their situation, be sure to help as many people as you can. I've been doing it despite my poverty, and it's because I have money to spend for myself that I know would be used better. It only takes a little to make people hopeful, and doing nothing makes them lose their hope.

[qualityempathshoebear]

2022, a crashing rollercoaster

Hey you,

its been a while. Ok yeah, maybe a little more than "a while". The year is over, and i think its time to reflect. But first, let me catch you up on everything thats happened since I last came on here.

Im still in Leeds, and will realistically stay here until I leave for University. Youre probably wondering what happened, why im not in Singapore. Well... my dads job didnt think he had enough experience, so what was supposed to be a delay, turned into a cancellation. So I have basically had to go to a school i wasnt supposed to be at in the first place, for a whole half-year. It was absolutly horrible and I had no friends. There were three (sometimes four) nice girls who I would sit with during snack and lunch. But it was almost always just us sitting in silence or me going on the computer in front of me, so I didnt look like an absolute fucking loser. I would go on VG and read the news every day and must have looked like such a loner to the people behind me. The girls were nice, but I didnt feel like we ever got to know eachother, I felt so fake the entire time.

And dont get me fucking started on the morning forms. I fucking hated coming in there just to sit in awkward silnce while staring ahead. And those horrible meditation sessions that the form tutor would do. I would just sit there with my hands in my lap, hoping for it to end. The girl sitting next to me was nice tho. I think she could tell I wasnt enjoying myself. I can honestly say I had no friends in that place, and that it was single-handedly the worst school experience I had ever had. And I know parts of it was my fault. I wasnt willing to make friends because everything felt so temporary. Even being in England still does. But wait, why are you talking in past tense? Im happy you asked. You see, I begged my dad to send an email to IB headquarters and ask to get the official copy of my diploma so I can apply directly into college (Englands equivalnce to highschool), without having to take their middle school exam (because fuck that!). And it luckily arrived on the last day of chistmas break... so I dropped out.

The plan now is that im going abroad to stay with my aunt until september, because I honestly just cant deal with staying in this horribly sad country. Everything about it is sad. The weather, the food, the disgustinly chlorinated water, the people, the buildings, even their fucking buildings are sad. I just cant fucking deal with it, It so similair to back home. No, its ven worse here. What was even the point of moving.

I have been so incredibly stressed because of the whole situation and its really taken a tole on me. I have had so much anxiety, to the point where I cant even sleep at night without panicking. Im constantly tired, I have lost so much weight, I have a breast infection in both my breasts (to be fair, I did have it before coming here), im depressed, and honestly, a little sui*idal.

To make matters worse, my parents have become religous freaks. And its definelty not helping that my mom has befriended some super religous woman, with the same background as us. Theyre making me do some weird post-menstruation shower ritual every fucking month (yes, theyve been tracking my period, gross!). Dont get me wrong, I dont actually end up doing them. I protest for a while and then I lie and pretend like ive done it. Around two weeks ago my dad came to my room to tell me to do the ritual, and I told him I couldnt because I was sick (and i actually was). Long story short, he didnt believe me and started yelling at me. I told him he was pressuring me into becoming religious. He freaks out and basically threatens me and pushes me (at some point even yanking my phone out of my hands, saying hes going to take it from me). All this while my mom watches and doesnt do anything besides saying my dads name and grabbing his arm every now and them. She even left at some point, but made sure to come back to gaslight and guiltrip me. I told her that if anyone touched me ever again I would call the cops immidielty. I havent really spoken to dad since. Its honestly really strained the relationship with my parents, and its making me realise that we will never have a normal relationship. In some ways I wish I could just be religous so I could save myself the anger, stress, and constant fighting with my parents. But whenever I give the idea further thought, I cringe. Even religion is ruined for me because of them. I feel that I shouldnt be religous, as revenge. The only way I could ever see myself becoming religous, is if I married a muslim man, and he helped me heal from all this fucking trauma. But I dont think I will do that. The only upside is that he wouldnt leave me, because of the stigma of divorce in muslim communities. But heck, I honestly just want to be loved. As gross and sappy as that sounds.

This year was supposed to be filled with laughs, new starts, new frienships, money, and much more. And instead I got none of it. I dont know, maybe this is what I deserve. Its safe to say that 2022 was my worst year yet. There were some highs, but mostly lows. Real fucking lows.

Im honestly just happy that I get to leave this wet-red brick country (even if its just temporarly), and hopefully in the meantime, my dad will get a job somewhere else so we can leave. If not, University is my only way out.

Now youre pretty much all cought up with whats worth to be cought up on. Before I leave, Ill share my new years resolutions and what I hope to focus on in 2023.

New years resolutions:

-Drink 2L of water a day, Gain weight, Workout once a week, Grow finger and toe nails, start daily journal, Grow hair and repair hairline, Get a new hobby, Grow eyebrows and eyelashes, Read 3 books, Solve Cains Jawbone, Clear skin, and to watch a musical live.

And in 2023 I hope to repair (as much as possible) my mental and physical health.

That would be all for now, until next time! <3