#i cant do the things i love bc then ill get overwhelmed with so much love .

[bunnihearted]

i cant fully control my emotions during a breakdown and then i come out of it and im like oh fuck........ ._.

[pikslasrce]

catogory seven autism event. Plebo........ briab molko... my favorite baund......

[toastsnaffler]

was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍

[shiftingtomydrs]

descendants rant

Ok idk how to do this so ill just start with myself (or better my parent)

Bcs we all know im a whore for op characters and I really didn’t wanna go basic and just be mals sister or smth I decided to put wanda aka scarlet witch into this universe (basically after the whole no more mutants thing she was banned into the universe by dr strange and professor x or smth yk idk and she tried to get back and that caused some trouble so she was put on the isle of the lost) haha my dad is hades btw but I don’t know it, my mum doesn’t know him either it was more of a ons gone wrong situation

Nowww some stuff about me, my name is scarlet pietra maximoff (yes after Pietro) and im 16 in the first movie. I basically have my mums powers but cant use them on the isle obviously soo idk that I have them until i get to auradon. Also wanda is more like her comic version but since idk the comic events bcs I haven’t read them there are probably inaccuracies lmao. I speak sokovian and exclusively sokovian with my mum and its my first language but English with everyone else. I have red hair in the first movie (but like scarlet red not ginger) and then in the 2nd at the start I have dark auburn / brown hair and in the third I have like dark red hair with like black roots? Idk how to describe it. In the first and 2nd movie I have like red eyes (not in a creepy way) and in the 3rd I get blue eyes, ill say why later.  My main color is red yk scarlet witch and shit and idk what else to say haha but feel free to ask questions

My s/o is ben aka beasty boy (fr I started calling him that before I found out uma calls him that soo yeah I thought I was onto smth only to find out im not the first one who came up with that) and hes the same basically except he also speaks French (I love french speaking men and beauty and the beast takes part in France originally so sue me) idk the timeline is pretty much the same as in the movies except the whole breakup thing at the start of the 2nd movie doesn’t happen

Plot of movie 1: I go with all the other vks (its just 4 but ok) to auradon but except like 1 month to the coronation like in the movies it’s for the whole school year (idk when the coronation was but id say like June or smth) soo from august on. Since my mum is kinda yk abandoning me and being a shit parent bcs shes still grieving and some shit I basically was always around the other 4. Then once there everything kinda plays out like it does in the original movie except for my powers embarrassing me around ben haha idk I think its funny to have my powers go cray cray when im around him (also we dream of each other before we meet bcs *soulmates* but like without seeing faces and stuff). Then mal comes up with the whole love spell thing but it’s a bit different, it only works if the person casting the spell loves the person theyre casting it on (idk I needed an excuse for why mal would let me cast the spell) soo yeah I do the spell and then I basically take mals place for a bit. The whole parent day thing comes up (in the zoom thing they do with the villains my mum doesn’t show up tho) and audreys grandma still grabs mal and stuff and my powers kinda work subconsciously and yk pull them apart and make chad fall into the sleep thing so then everyone hates us (especially me) again and I feel terrible. Coronation day, same thing, love spell gets dissolved bla bla bla. Jane takes the wand, I take the wand from jane, maleficent comes and I give the wand to mal and mal gives it to the fairy godmother, maleficent freezes everyone. Now it strays from the movie basically mal fails to turn maleficent into a lizard like in the movies and she gets also like frozen then I come in and save the day and then fall into like a small coma bcs my powers feed on my life force / energy yk and that was too much. But then I wake up again.

Movie 2: beginning is the same except I replace mal as yk future queen but mal still feels overwhelmed and misunderstood and runs away after the picnic scene (its me and her in the scene, I replace ben in that one). Basically i find out and tell evie and she tells ben and they convince me to stay put while they go get mal bcs yk the coronation thing was scary and im not the most popular over there atm. Ben gets captured, the boys get me to make the wand bcs printing it takes too long, we go back to the isle and we save ben. I use my powers but not that much yk just I know my boundaries. Fast forward to cotillion, uma still spells ben, she turns into a sea monster and I start idk fighting her but since I used so much of my powers the day before already to make the wand and in the fight so yk im nearing the edge of too much. Mal turns into a dragon, ben jumps into the water, does a less y/n pick me version of his speech, uma goes, mal turns back but doesn’t have the big purple dress moment, just a small purple dress moment (like not the big ass gown but more of a cocktail party dress) bcs theres no way shell steal my moment haha

Movie 3: same thing the whole time basically except that when Audrey shows up and spells ben, I go after him immediately and the boys find me while they search for ben in the woods. Mal still gets hades ember (and finds out im her sister during it) and also still promises uma that she’ll free the villains but since shes not the future queen in my dr she doesn’t have jurisdiction to push that through and when I tell that to mal and uma and that I cant just do that uma gets angry and leaves like in the movie. Also since imo the whole ‘we’re not evil anymore and all are happy to go to auradon’ plot doesn’t happen in my dr bcs its stupid haha. In the end I fight with Audrey and get my wandavision scarlet witch transformation moment and yk basically shes agatha and im wanda (she not only took maleficents wand and the crown in my dr but also the darkhold which is still like a dark magic book but without the corruption part, its kinda like the ring from lotr, it corrupts everyone except the owner yk so I don’t get corrupted if I use it but Audrey does) and I absorb hades ember during that thing (Audrey is holding it) which gives me *drum roll* blue eyes. In the end the exchange program will be continued but yk not the barrier lifted bcs the villains are still villains and wanna get revenge (I believe in character development but that whole plot was just stupid af on Disney part sorry not sorry).

some random shit:

i do cheer in auradon in the 2nd movie

i have a friend from my cr i scripted in whos the kid of sisu from raya and the last dragon

my mum and i live in a little cabin on the isle (kinda like the one at the end of wv)

i write music (i have a playlist with songs ive written in my dr if anyone is interested)

i cant swim based just entirely on the fact that the enchanted lake scene in movie 1 can still happen lmao

soo thats it feel free to ask questions (really ask questions, i want questions doesnt matter if ive already answered it or you think its stupid) it got a teeny tiny bit long but who cares lmao

[superbellsubways]

ok im Crazy. Assorted things i've thouvht abt the past couple of weeks....

coppy slowly beginning to grow accustomed to clippy's family and then oscillo gets brought into the mix, and since he doesn't trust oscillo alone Ever and he doesn't wanna hire a babysitter because Oscillo would kill them so he's forced to take oscillo with him. he gives him a tiny prep talk beforehand like. little man i need you to do this for me Please don't make them Hate me and hes like Ok Whatever ....

oscillo would gey overwhelmed i imagine bc he'd be able to keep up The act of being a helpless kid in fromt of one or two people but clippy's family Including coppy .. and also just being around a lot of people he doesnt know in general. He'd shutdown and hide behind coppy the whole time but eventually gets curious abt clippy's siblings. #Autism

i 'm drawing new refs for them btw !!! so that'll be fun and theyre both cute so i wannw try and draw them more but ANYWAYS i think they'd be friends. kevin would take him out to the nearby liquor store and stephanie would like. give him her old stuffies and they'd watch movies together. Also regarding the two siblings I think they'd generallt be on good terms with eachother?? OFC W THE classic sibling tropes such as. Hating eachother. stealing their food. and i. idk i'm an only child but i think thats pretty much it. ..

also enjoying milk probably runs in the family. being annoying too. they all probably yap so much. ..

also clippy's the oldest obvs... stephanie is the middle child and kevin's the youngest 😁😁 they both would love oscillo i think despite his Quirks and hes all happy bc he's never really interacted w other kids who weren't kind of fucked over by other viruses so hes all smiley and warm and I imagine he purrs like a cat and like. vibrates. idk oscillo is cat coded to me Meeooww meeoow m

also Yk hiw they have those toy guns at liquor stores. i feel like kevin would buy them for him and oscillo and EPIC PRANK CLIPPY !!!!! SHOOT THE FREAK SHOOT THE FREAK SHO

kevin and oscillo both like annoying ppl too they'd be insufferable together. kevin is also probably a bad influence LOL but he'd try his best to not. idk. Get oscillo into smoking 😭😭

also kevin sleeps w his hat on OKAY BYE THATS IT BYE AAAHHH AAHH AAHH!!!!!!

OK finally getting to this i was smiling so so wide reading through this last night btw AUUUUU 🥹🥹

everything is soooo freaking cutes,😭😭😭😭😭😭 do you want me to explode.. 😭 oscillo finally making friends via clippys family ill die. smile 🥹ALSO the comic u added EEP!!!!!!! i cant even formulate proper sentences rn sorry i wanna scream and run aroumd 😭 i heart them so bad❤️ OKAYYY!!!!!!!!!

[nothinginthisworldbelongstome]

sometimes when shes gone or even sometimes when we're talking i keep thinking how much i love them and it makes me cry bc i love this girl so fucking much and im so lucky to get to love her and to have their love.

its 2 30 am and shes sleeping and im emotional but theyre the best thing thats ever happened to me and i am just so fucking in love with her it overwhelms me

theyre the best thing in my life, my soulmate, the love of my life, the girl of my dreams, and i cant believe how fucking lucky i am to get to love and be loved by her

love isnt a big enough word to describe how i feel about my girl but itll have to suffice.

thank u so much my darling for letting me love u, and for loving me in return.

i love u so much more than life itself and it isnt enough to say that but itll have to do

ill love u forever

till the world ends, till the sky burns up and the mountains turn to dust and everything is silent ill love u then

ill love u till the oceans dry up and every tree is felled and every star shines its brightest brilliant death ill love u then

ill love u till every manmade thing has collapsed and every living thing is destroyed and the only thing left on this earth is ash ill love u forever

i love u more than anything, little bird

i love u

happy one month anniversary @prettyyyy-girl my most beloved and dearest love, and happy early birthday! i wish u every happiness and joy overflowing!

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

MAC!!! GOOD EVENING!!!!!! im thinking soo hard abt interesting fairytale things rn but also. i would LOVE to hear abt ur danny phantom thing?(images aren't loading for me but i think? graphic novel? normal novel?? 👀) ??????!!!! i'm peripherally interested in dp on the basis that my beloved mutual (u) is into it & im!!!! curious!!!! whys it so good!!!! tell me!! free infodump card for u 👀👀👀

THIS ASK IS A MISTAKE. BEWARE. FUCK. DUDE I COULD TALK ABOUT DANNY PHANTOM FOR SO LONG IM NOT EVEN KIDDING IVE GOT . NEARLY 20 YEARS WORTH OF LOVE FOR THIS SHOW. I AM 23 YESRS OLD. THATS HOW SERIOUS I AM . IM.*THE* DANNY PHANTOM GUY THERES A REASON ALL OF MY USERNAMES ARE DP REFERENCES. ohhhh my god. where do i even fucking start. i guess ill start with agit but im still so overwhelmed with love that i have not fully processed yet so prepare for this to be a total fucking mess of words

so. the show ended in.. 2007. and. god the last episode sucks so fucking bad. bad enough that the fandom as a whole collectively agrees it does not exist it never happened . phantom planet isnt real phantom planet cant hurt you if you dont look at it or think about it ever. i could go on a whole. rant about how much phantom planet sucks but instead ill just say butch hartman (<< creator of the show) is a fucking. annoying awful person and he was greedy + wanted more money from nickelodeon than they were willing to give him so they gave him a hard limit on episodes before the shoe would be canceled. so. season 3 goes downhill SO fast and ends with the fucking disaster that is phantom planet . and !!! you know how disappointing it is to have your facorite show have a garbage ending!! it sucks!! so then there was like. a HUGE HUGE long silence where there was. 0 canon content bc hartman considered it a flop and kind of just. abandoned it until he wanted clout (there were a few gameboy games that came out after the show ended + some nickelodeon games that included danny as a character + butch made a youtube channel where he would spout absolute death of the author garbage about the show every time he wanted attention but it was mostly dead silence) UNTIL. AGIT. A GLITCH IN TIME IS THE FIRST CANON SHOW COMPLIANT CONTENT THAT HAS BEEN RELEASED SINCE 200 GODDAMN 7. FUCK . and not only is it canon compliant it is ALSO A CONTINUATION OF MY FAVORITE EPISODE IN THE WHOLE SERIES.

so. my favorite episode. is ultimate enemy. it was one of the 4 movie-length episodes and the basic premise is. danny uses his ghodt powers to cheat on a huge standardized test and this sets off a butterfly effect reaction that leads to a timeline where his family + friends get killed in an explosion and he loses his mind and turns into the worlds most powerful villain <3 you can see why i like it so much im sure (<< guy who has a documented chronic weakness for stories where a good guy turns bad etc)

SO AT THE END OF THE EPISODE. Dan (the evil future danny) is trapped and locked away forever . but at the end of the ep theres a scene that hints to a possible future episode where he escapes !!!! so there was always a teased sequel but this sequel was never created due to aforementioned. budget issues and cancellation. etc. buggest disappointment of my life. UNTIL AGIT !!!!!!!!!!!!!

it was released. july of this year . and i am just reading it now bc its been burning a hole in my bedside table bc it never felt like the right time to read it until this morning for some reason. and fuck its so good its literally everything i wanted.

i dont know how involved butch hartman was in the creation of it but the author (gabriela epstein) is obviously someone who cares deeply about the show and the characters and im so fucking happy about it she did an incredible job. i literally had to pause a handful of times in the first few pages just because the characters and dialogue were written so well and it was like SUCH a breath of fresh air (the fandom is. so bad. its so bad. because its been around for so long people have such insane warped takes on a lot of the characters and its become completely unbearable to me ive had to block the tag and its so painful. this is literally the only reason i am not reblogging dp content constantly. i have to filter it through artists i know can handle the characters properly. if i was not nerfed by the awful fandom it would be 24/7/365 dp lockdown and id be so unbearable) OH ALSO not only is agit a continuation of my alltime favorite episode, it also retcons the garbage pile that is phantom planet in a way that acknowledges that it was a real thing that happened but going back on it in a way that feels so so so so natural for the show. so it wasnt a throwaway "no that was bad lets forget about it" it was a well crafted well thought out "this was real and it sucked and the characters remember it BUT we can play with timeline so things will continue as normal" and . holy shit it was so fucking good. i will begrudgingly acknowledge phantom planets existence if only for agit.

uhhhhhhhh fuck this is so long and i am running our of directed steam so if i keep talking i will just start rambling about the intricacies and holy shit dude i could literally talk about danny phantom for hours and hours and hours and hours if theres anything else u want to know i am the guy . i am the guy forever

[flockofdoves]

bc of it being one of the places where my HS is my mom has unprompted been telling me i need to make sure to get a breast reduction before i go off her insurance in a couple years

and thats kinda wild to hear from her considering how weird shes been in the past about me saying i wanted top surgery for trans related reasons. and soooo weird to think about like. is that even crossing her mind mind rn or does she just think that all went away with time for me now that i dont bother correcting when she misgenders me anymore (its weird bc i use feminine terms and she pronouns in other contexts nowadays but in no context where she is aware of that and really because of how frustrating all that has been with family i want them to just use they pronouns and neutral terms for me but simultaneous to that sort of contrarian desire i just dont have the energy to correct them ever)

but like i cant complain. i think i could even get legit top surgery and not just a reduction out of it and doing it with her insurance and sdditional financial support makes it soooooooo much more feasible than it could ever be otherwise

but god also thats such a short time frame. and like ive been actively wanting it for almost 15 years anf i guess no time is ever going to be ideal if any change even good always feels overwhelming but theres just already so much i really need to handle over the next couple years.

and theres also the other thing of that while i know it could never be a long term thing for me because of the balance of what i need from transition and how my health problems work that would be even fuethwr exacerbated by it, i always thought i could look cool with my chest as it is now but hairier and i would love to be able to have at least a brief period in my life where i could experience that together. but that would mean startinf T like . Right Now. and while i think id like to at least do that a little bit throughout my life, if i struggle with being overwhelmed with change, the unpredictability of hormones on top of another change maybe is a bit too much for me rn. like im fine with any of the common effects of it even that arent part of my goal but things like how hormonal shifts can effect emotions and sex drive and stuff is still just a lot to have to figure out and manage on top of an already busy year. and even stuff i want like a deeper voice or fuller mustache ive always wanted to do phonetic experiments throughout transition and i just objectively will not have time for that this year. and if i want to have well groomed facial hair thats another thing to have to fit into my daily routine in the middle of whats to be the most packed year of my life so far. so that basically means for me that the only reasonable solution is to get top surgery in the next year and wait for hormones later but its just kinda sad to me i cant have it all

i really wish i lived in a world where i could reliably have better healthcare into the futurw and where i wouldnt have to be pushing myself as hard as ill need to the next couple years wirh school and job stuff. and fuck it i really wish i could shapeshift while im at it lol

[seyvetch]

A vent post of things that have been on my mind lately

I want to fucking die ;-; (I have no plans to act on that just need to vent)

Ffs everything is just getting harder, people can leave me at any time like the person I loved the most who left me a month ago and Im becoming a worse person and I wasnt that amazing in the first place. Everything is just going worse, I barely have hope for future and I cant even feel love properly anymore. Im overwhelmed by minimal ammount work I used to be able to handle and unsure I could even work to get money to sustain myself.

Almost all that I feel is despair anger and apathy. Last time I tried to medicate it caused me great loss of appetite and I almost starved to death bc I couldnt eat. At this point I just want my life to end. I dont know how Im supposed to live in Russia like this nor do I know how to escape it.

3 people who Ill eternaly be greatful to said they would be willing to let me stay with them if I wanted to escape Russia but problem is: one broke all contact with me cuz the host got themself a boyfriend so apperently they didnt like I had a relationship with their sysmate, one ghosts me for some reason despite actively reblogging my posts and me seemingly being on good terms with them when we talk and the 3rd one lives in Germany - a country which language of I dont know still.

Well even if I stayed with any of them Id probably just ruin my relationship with them. Im not that great in person.

One other thing thats been on my mind is the first person I talked about in the list of people who offered me to stay with. I loved them more than anyone probably. More than myself certainly. I thought we were soulmates. I just cant get over them no matter how much I try not to care. They even appear in my dreams though its more like nightmares of rejection. Why did it have to go this way. Is it bad that I still have hope everything will work out? Its probably futile. Im blocked instantly any time I tried to reach them. Whats the most cruel is how the breakup went it wasnt even them to my knowledge who broke me up with them it was their host or another sysmate despite the previous promise that I could still date them. I dont even know how they feel about the breakup. Maybe it was them and they got tired of me. Ill never know bc I havent recieved as much as a goodbye before being blocked. Not as much as a word. I only know that they have a boyfriend bc I looked at their tiktok in trying to decypher why I was left like that :/.

Whatever the painll probably go away with time. What wont go away is my disabilities which are getting harder to deal with in terms of my productivity. Its only getting worse. I can barely make myself do the minimum required of me. How will I find the job? How will I get enough money to move to a different country before I cant leave Russia anymore? Could I leave Russia now if I had money? Would that even be possible? Is it already too late? Had I never had a chance to escape?

No matter how I look at it all I can see in my future is being alone stuck in this hellhole of a country which will only get wose and more authoritarian with time. And then if Im lucky another revolution will happen and devistate what remains of the country leaving the poeple maybe not as oppressed but left in poverty just like the horror stories my parents told me of what happened last time a revolution occured.

Everyone will just leave me behind no matter what I do. It always happens. Its just the matter of time.

Well we will see how it turns out but for now all I can do is to move forward.

[scourgefrontiers]

Just some general advice as I see your posts on occassion on my feed and your current breakdowns on your financials but my guy you should probably get a standard job along side your art.

I say this mostly in a place of I've been there done that sort of thing, I used art to support myself for years while also working a regular 9-5 and while eventually I discovered that doing art fulltime wasn't my thing I can't stress enough that not going forward and getting a regular job to support yourself and your wife when you know you are just barely making it (in your own words) is a borderline lazy thing to do.

Your financials are a major priorty and it shows a lack of character when you can't see that you need to make an effort in a different position. And as someone who also immensely struggles with mental illness also I can tell you that getting that regular 9-5 can help alot with your health. Like for one it can get you moving so minimal excersise is taken care of, possible better money flow and a break from the computer also helps with settling your thoughts. It can be stressful and exaughsting but having a concrete ground of what you're doing along side of art also may give you some piece of mind.

I implore you to just start looking for a regular job to take off some of the stress and it could defo help you loose weight to just from little things that you crowd out

Joint pain is avoided with excersise, breathing problems lifted with regular activity and a little stamina training

San antonio is a booming economic city there are a shit ton of jobs you can get and i know it can be overwhelming especially when mental illness can hold you back but in a loving sense you fr just need to pick yourself up by the bootstraps and get shit done or else you're always going to suffer man

i super appreciate this sentiment and im not going to get defensive like my initial reaction usually is to someone telling me to "get a real job" b/c i do see youre genuinely trying to help me out and give me advice so thank you

my problem honestly is that i dont see myself as fit to having a "job job" as i am right now. i feel like all im good at/able to do is art, and thats why i put all of my effort into that. basically i dont have enough confidence in my abilities outside of art :(

constant thoughts of "what if it makes me miserable? what if i do a horrible job b/c its not art?" and etc. yknow? i feel like i need to work on myself mentally a little still

like to be fair i have looked for in person jobs around san antonio, on MULTIPLE occasions. ive had a few interviews even. ive held a job for a couple months at an aquarium (granted it was art--caricatures) but that was a couple years ago and i was in a worse mental place than i am right now so it only lasted a couple months and i was like..miserable, even though i was doing art. everywhere else i had an interview just didnt want me bc of my lack of experience (which is stupid bc i was genuinely making an effort to get these jobs and how else am i supposed to get experience if not from Your Business like????? cmon. anyway)

a major problem even outside of myself is that, between my wife and i, we only have one car. i am planning to learn to drive genuinely and getting my own vehicle, but right now we only have one ride between us, and she has a full time job so she cant take care of driving me to my job all the time and i wouldnt want to put that on her anyway. so thats also an issue we run into when it comes to me having a job job

trust me i do on occasion look for "actual" jobs outside of my commissions. ive applied to a lot and nobody ever gets back to me or if they do they dont want me, which both very much hurt my confidence in getting a job outside of art but thats another issue i think. if i want to get a non-art job i think i'll be forced to try a work from home route like data entry again or something

again, i thank you for wanting to help and i appreciate it and apologize for basically responding with a bunch of excuses but i want you to understand my position as well u_u/ i dont post a lot (if..at all) about when i do non-art job searches bc i never feel like theyll work out and so far they havent but i honestly havent given up the idea, i do think about this a Lot, way more than i let on, and i do go back and forth searching for non-art jobs on occasion when things feel really rough. so its not something thats lost on me

[zerkinoff]

do you have recommendations on where to start listening to fob ? i want to get into it but i’m kinda overwhelmed by everything they did and i’m Lost

ok fob was my first love, but i stopped listening to them until this past year, so ill give a quick over view of the albums so you can see which is you ~vibe~ because they evolve a lot,

i focus a lot on vocals/lyrics, im not a technical kinda guy this is just how i feel and what i can tell, it might be wrong

i got into fob with save rock and roll, theres a music video for each song that tells a story (movie esque), so honestly i recommend watching them in order and listening that way, its a good display of their overall talents/influences

take this to your grave is the first album (technically), angsty and stereotypical 'emo', maybe the "heaviest" album. patrick sounds starchy, pete does a lot of screaming, almost entirely guitars and drum based, the songs all sound pretty similar,

from under the cork tree is still heavy, pretty emo + guitar based, but more produced for lack of better words. they come more into their own style, definitely more cohesive as a band, patrick starts to use his "soul voice", less starchy

infinity on high is where they really start to do their own sound, a lot more emotional, the songs differ from each other, showcasing more of what each member is best at. focusing on portraying certain emotions for a song, they start to have 'slower' songs or sections

folie a duex is the worst album ever made it hurts me so much, they go a lot of directions, and do a lot of things. still a lot of alt influence, starts to get closer to gospel, but honestly i cant give an overall descriptor here, its my favorite album, each song relates to the last but is entirely different, guitar based, but they incorporate a ton of other shit, instruments +features

save rock and roll they go back to rock roots in some songs, but also exhibit genres like electronic + rap (bad wording), also a lot of features (blondie, big sean, elton john, more) . unlike the next album, the influences work really well together.

american beauty/american psycho is the balance point of emo/electronic, i listened to this a lot when it came out, but not much since. the balance limits it somewhat, in mania they actually explore and execute the electronics, in this one the guitar seems to fight with it.

mania departs from the guitars/emo influence, honestly i forced myself away from bandom before this was released, and dont have much time clocked in. pretty diff sound then everything else, very electronic sound, drum and bass kinda stuff, cohesive overall, tpain stylized-autotune vocals.

i can rec diff songs as jumping off points based on what you like if you want too, i did this off memory, but if i could listen through for specific stuff bc ill take any excuse to listen to fob

[wanderrlust0]

im only 23.. life shouldnt be giving me this much anxiety and the feeling of being overwhelmed. im too young to do it all alone. im afraid of.. well im afraid of many things. i was going to say something specific but i cant choose the right words. i hate when too much pressure gets forced upon myself. i need things to get better. it has to get better. if not.. idk what i’ll do. i will not survive honestly. so it must get better. 2023 is my zodiac year. a year to be filled with good luck, health, and fortune. do your magic and spread love and positivity for me. — okay i just got completely sidetracked and distracted. melanie martinez released a new single for her new era.. lana posted videos from rolling stone and her new album is near! my absolute favorite crafty and creative goddess posted new pics. my mood is sorta better now than when i first created this post but i still feel everything. i need to go to sleep soon. its kinda late and i cant sleep in but its bc ill be seeing my bf so its worth it. unrelated but i am so so bloated rn its making me feel disgusting. i will feel better in the morning tho so i just have to sleep it off. again, bless my metabolism, ily. ive been trying to tone my stomach for abs and im actually seeing decent progress. im hoping to be ready by the time i can start wearing all my spring/summer clothes. anyway, i think im ready to fall asleep; my eyes keep closing lol

[iluvaspartame]

i feel trapped bc my bf is my first real relationship and i love him and i would like to marry him but its unfair he got to date and fuck other people before he met me, i feel trapped, i want to experience other people. i feel so guilty and terrible for saying that but its how i feel. my friend feels the same way and her bf is letting her experience other people. my bf would never. which is understandable. i dont want an open relationship or something. but sometimes i cant get over how much hes hurt me and then i feel afraid of being trapped forever. maybe i just want to sabotage myself. i didnt feel this way until after i felt betrayed by him more than once. i remember sending him countless n*d*s to try and get him to stop watching p**n (i hated sending them.) he said no because thats asking too much. it was one of my only boundaries. him being friends with and texting his exes without me knowing bc he thought it wasnt a big deal. one of them hated me and he didnt stop trying to be her friend. and so many other things ill never tell anyone. its just unfair. why do i have to be hurt by everyone. and i cant talk to anyone about it either. i tried so hard to change myself to get him to like me more. ill never feel good enough although hes so perfect now. i cant get over my grudges. its building up and i just feel so overwhelmed. i want to run away somewhere. i want to feel free. ive never felt free. I've never felt good either. i shouldnt even be here. i dont believe him anymore about loving me. maybe i dont want to. why do i want to sabotage a decent future i may have ahead of myself. hes good to me now and he would take care of me. i have nothing going for me personally so he's all i have. but its wrong to only see him as someone who could give me a comfortable future. what is wrong with me? I've been spiraling for the past hour over one tiny thing that triggered me. and now i feel like ill never get out of this. i feel like my brain is smothered in grey fog. and even my cat doesnt like me right now everything is off oh my god

[thirtydaysinamonth]

my 1st sem starts july. in a month. its weird bc ive not had a break for 2 years. and now i wont have a break for the next 5 years. eveyrthing feels a little weird and overwhelming. i love my friends but this si happening so fast. ill be thrust into this new era in my life and im unsure than i was 3 months ago.

i cant articulate how i feel rn. im about to start writing in my new journal. i decided to switch to a new one when i start college. dont know how consistently ill write in it.

i met a friend after 5 years of not meeting her. it was surreal to be together inm y room again. it was natural as soon as i met her. we talked for a bit.

i just feel deflated. at night i have so many racing thoughts and many of them are so poetic i feel like writing them down but i get too lazy to pull out my phoen or diary. i also just fear that the minute i put my figners on a keybaord or hold a pen to write down something profound ill lose that thought or ill never do justice to the feeling im feeling.

one thought i had recently was about whether your past matters. it was in context to interviews for colleges or jobs. i think its sad how we expect to leave no space for correction or for change in these industry run, market driven enterprises. you have to be the best in the first go or why are you even here. why are you here if you oculdnt figure out your life goals in your teens. i think its scary that these panels expect eveyrone to have this perfect answer to their life choices. do my past choices reflect my future performance? just because the initial years of my student life saw several changes, does it mean my future middle aged self will be impulsive?

another thought is about addiciton. a very close relative is an alcoholic and i dont know how t odeal with it. should i feel resentment towards the shit theyve given to my mother and my other relatives? should i be empathetic to thier condiiton and realize that it is a disease too? is it a choice or is it a compulsion? do i judge or do i not judge? what to feel. how to not be hurt by their decisions.

anothe thought is on anxious attachment. i think i realized my best friend had been anxiously attached to me a while ago but only recently have i been affected by it. since i realized my own anxious attachment to my ex, i realize how suffocating it is. to be reassuring this person while knowing they dont want to seek the professional help that they need. i feel straight up annoyed now that i have to help her take every decision in her life and its making me feel like fuck i need space, i need space, i need space. from college applications to ordering food for her to deciding for her what to eat. its just so many things that earlier i didnt have a problem with but now i do. the random projecting insecurities and the not telling me what she wants or if she is upset about xyz thing. i also realized how much she bails on me and its a shit feeling. so many times ive been like okay its fine she's going thru her migraine episodes, she doesnt WANT to skip. but idk so many times having to reschedule or cancel. and then she thinks i dont want to spend time with her. which is wild. fuck i am pretty resentful about this nwo that i think about it.

im just someone who will take ur words at face value. and not look for a deeper meaning. if ur mad at me and u pretend like ur not, i will simply not ask if ur mad at me. i cannot read your mind and definitely not if its been churning inside you for the past 7 months. if u have something to say, say it whenever u want but dont expect me to read u when u cleraly havent expressed why ur sad/upset.

i realized i did this a lot to my ex. sucks to be on the other side. i have a lot of respect for his paitence. im just sick of people for a bit. enough of boys and enough of people.

i love my grandparents place. its so cute and lovely and slow paced. so nice.

[me-her-and-la-lune]

going to re-read maximum ride (cry for help)

[cayennecrush]

Will you still do requests when you're doing commissions?

yes, definitely! i do requests because i genuinely enjoy them and have a lot of fun with it, so they’re always welcome! although i do get a lot every day so i cant get through all of them unfortunately ;;