#i cant conceptualize beyond myself

[trainer-blue]

vent //

school friends dont look //

//

[librarycards]

Hi! just want to preemptively say sorry for dumping such a big personal question on you (and also for how rambly this is), its just that everyone i try to talk about this with in real life doesnt seem to have the perspective id find useful on this. and also sorry but if its not too much hassle could you answer this without publishing the ask?

Do you work for a university by any chance? Because I recently received a job offer for a job with a university. In the haze of desperation to leave my current/now old job i accepted & went through the majority of the onboarding process. but now that ive calmed down a little, im realising im really struggling with how to reconcile my politics & ideologies & especially my understanding of the importance of divesting personally as much as possible from systems of oppression with like. the act of working for a university (and in specific one of the old universities in the uk, which are all so deeply steeped in the structures of colonialism & which are actively in partnership with companies integral to the genocide in palestine, among other things).

the job itself is basically my dream job (helping run the undergrad teaching science labs). but i cant see a way to go through with taking the job without some kind of compromise on my part of politics/moral lines. if you do work in a university, how do you do it? how do you reconcile and balance the understanding of what these institutions are and how they function in the large scale vs the act of deliberately existing within them & even benefiting or enjoying it as it pertains to your personal life, as someone opposed to colonialism/imperialism/etc?

(oh i shouldve mentioned earlier but of course if you dont want to answer this feel free to ignore or delete it! i dont want you to feel pressured or anything. thank you !)

so, i definitely relate to a great deal of this, as i am teaching and finishing my phd at an R-1 institution in the u.s. - i.e., the most supposedly 'elite' genre of university with the highest research output, done, of course, directly on the backs both of exploited research subjects and overworked, underpaid precarious knowledge workers (myself included). it's strange to be in this position, with a job in one of the few places i feel like i can do material good, and yet also knowing that it is a site of immense material harm.

no choice you make is going to be morally pure, and i think perhaps the bigger hurdle is not the question of whether you should take the job or not (i think you should, personally) but how you'll keep yourself generatively uncomfortable throughout your time there. that is to say that we should not be chill with being faculty -- enforcers, even on a small scale, of university policy -- when university policy facilitates genocide. equally, we need to be clear-eyed about the fact that there are students at our universities who need intellectual support and guidance, and that our abstaining from providing it does not make things better. in fact, a mass-quitting of faculty like ourselves would simply usher in the employment of more militaristic, zionist, reactionary faculty, for whom university-sponsored genocide is values-aligned.

we can both acknowledge that we are in a trap and make use of the opportunities it affords us - bringing lectures to encampments, giving students accommodations regardless of diagnosis, introducing conceptual frameworks to marginalized students that were quite literally not imaginable beforehand.

so, tldr, i think that my (and your) job is to teach, and i think we should do our jobs. i think that a lot of the teaching you do will be outside the formal purview of the lab, and i think you should take every opportunity to get students aware and active about the role of the university/scientific institutions in genocide. get organized with faculty and staff in and beyond the lab, too! share resources to which others lack access! from a position of being what Moten & Harney call "in, but not of, the university," we can do a lot. i know i'm trying to be a helping hand to students of all stripes committed to a better world, and teaching is a huge part of that. best of luck.

[mihai-florescu]

i envy people you talk to regularly youre such an interesting person, i think somewhere theres a life where everyone can fit themselves into and i know you said you prefer being a spectator but ?im not sure how to word it? i think theres something so special about finding the place where you feel like you were meant to be and i think that parts of the world (schooling especially) loves ripping that part of humanity out.. i think that there are people who prefer writing stories and ppl who only prefer reading them but maybe in my mind “spectators” also deserve to find other spectators who also dont fit in in where they r as well but

who knows!! im not trying to sway your opinion or anything its just a very interesting convo that i thought of myself before but in the opposite way you do, where ive thought of myself completely removed from the world but doing everything i can to give myself hope that theres somewhere i can stay if this is the only option i have, id love to listen to your thesis even if its different from what i started talking about i find this whole topic interesting ^_^ sorry if i made this too serious or something ahshdha you can feel free to not answer it i havent had an interesting convo like this in soo long lol

-youtalklikeeichianon

Sorry i didnt reply earlier, im constantly scared. Mostly about this project, then life in general. Ive spent so much time trying to get in mine and other people's heads that i cannot conceptualize the project taking any visual form beyond "having the audience imagine things themselves" but that is so not gonna get me to graduate visual art school... id welcome school ripping out my humanity if it meant id finally be at peace and not struggle, i think thats preferable even. But instead it keeps me going outside my head and trying to be a person when I belong in the wires of a computer or in the clouds instead...

Well ultimately i think school is good for me, it's giving me some sort of structure and identity. Im sure the reason im scared to graduate is 1. Yes i dont think i can make anything visual to express or reflect my research or topic in a meaningful, worthwile way, im not smart enough for that, and 2. What will i be after i shed this status of student? There is nothing i want to be.

I appreciate the hope for a spectator kinship but i worry this part of myself *is* the depression talking and if i find someone else in my state id just go for a suicide pact. If anything i need people whobwant to live and tell stories that i can observe and help make sure they come to life. Like i cant work on my own project without spiraling into "it's worthless" territory but i can help others with theirs becsuse *they* believe and have hopes, and im just passing the time trying to figure out why people seek escapism and why stories impact us, and arriving at esoteric answers that could very well be me projecting on the rest of humanity, except i have some cool papers ive read that i can cite inbetween my own statements about the world.

[angstics]

i dont think it matters how we see celebrities. like i cant conceptualize ewan mcgregor as straight. but that doesnt mean he’s operating from the same queer pov i am. i also believe in queerness beyond personal gender and sexuality labels, so it’s easy for me to assign queerness to whoever i see fits. there’s the “political”, the “artistic”, the “actions/presentation”. someone who deeply engages with queer people and culture is queer to me. i cant get myself to care about the personal if it isnt explicit. i like engaging with what i know

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

i keep finding out about more n more ppl i grew up posting alongside who've recently passd away.. lately its not been anyone i was super close to or anything but still it makes me feel rly sad, its jarring, & i kno its just gonna increase as i move into my 30s. rly makes me wonder how im even still alive, and why. statistically it feels rly unlikely that ive made it this far. so i just wonder.

in 2019 i almost died of appendicitis because somehow after 3 ultrasounds the hospital misdianosed it as ovarian cysts and let me eat a huge meal cus even tho i was in horrific pain i was so so starving & thirsty. then i slept all night n when i went back to the hospital the next day for a 4th ultrasound the tech started panicking & within the hour i was put into emergency surgery to get it removed. i always wonder how my appendix didnt explode from eating all the food n kill me with sepsis while i slept..when i realized how close i was to dying i was extremely upset that i was still alive. it took me a while to get over that anger, i guess im still not rly over it.

& beyond that, i used to live so recklessly n put myself in all kinds of dangerous situations cus i was so unafraid of death & yet nothing has been enough to take me out like..it doesnt even seem realistic for me to have lived to this age.

when ppl die young, i get desperate for answers about how these things get cosmically decided. because i feel so lost in my purpose! i cant conceptualize that there cld b anything waiting for me in this life, i never have. yet there r ppl who have so much going for them taken all the time. why like i just want some answers so maybe it cld help me find a reason to want to live..

[dapperrokyuu]

Ayyy~!

Oh, yeah, 1000%! Different tastes for different plates, no need to change anyone’s mind regarding this, haha. Sorry if I gave that impression at all, thats my bad. Its just fun to dive deeper into other people’s takes!

Poison’s shoes are veryyy amusing. Extra wrapped to be safe??? Or to protect the floor from the substances on her shoes, LOL, dalnfdakljn- The way the shoes squish down…theyre very intriguing. The colors are very fitting and I definitely prefer when a concept oversells than undersells! Interestingly, I think my favorite factor that contributes to it is her jacket, its a very modern design while also giving the bubbling vibes of chemicals. Thought it was very clever! The hair is really goopy, which I think is part of what pushes me away, but gotta give credit for its contribution too! Reminds me of oobleck, lol.

The goggles and mask looks really cool, ahhh! Im a sucker for gas masks myself, haha. And mad scientists can be very fun~! I can see why she appeals to you tons! Despite my major gripes with SWSH, I think the region’s Pokedex was really good, actually.

Oohhh, I get what you mean. Psychic arguably has a lot more going on with it in terms of accessories and colors, so I feel that! We’ve talked about how Psychic’s is perfectly cute, so its boringness doesnt come from aesthetic/design, just from a lack of conceptual embodiment/potential, I guess, haha. I could see how Sirfetch’d themself also limited the design by not just necessitating a swordfighter design but also one that has to be regal, so you can say the Miku got tamed down too much! I do like the leek hair as well, I think its probably Fighting’s most clever aspect, hehe-

I think your feeling towards Fighting actually is similar to my feelings towards Grass, like, it works, a cheerleader and a marching band pair, but I think the palette is flat so its kind of boring to me. Smack some green everywhere, put some leaves, totally Grass type, right?! I like the idea, but I think they got stuck on it and couldnt think of anything more interesting beyond it- I digress tho, haha. Im always easily forgiving when I cant think of a better execution and I dont hate the design, so it passes at the end of the day… Now that I think of it tho, they couldve had her as one of those baton twirlers/color guarders to better match the marching band theme and done something interesting with that…..but I guess being a cheerleader is more in line with Miku’s vocal role, so oh well!

As for Flying, its okay, youre always gonna have a hater- /J, LOL- And a lover as well tho, hehe~! 1000% respect, sometimes something’s just not your thing! Thank you for sharing your takes and thoughts with me, its very fun!!! c:

My pokémiku tier list. @dapperrokyuu we are very different people.

[doebt]

also ugh idk whats overcome me lately but im like kind of freaking out like i feel soooo disgusting and gross and like............ive always been insecure but this is like a whole new level...like i dont want to inhabit a body... soooo badly

[majorasnightmare]

opens bottled up emotion

closes it back up again

[37q]

people are too small with karma. if you dont go down this ethical rabbit hole than youre not thinking hard enough.

my active negligence to properly dispose of food waste in my house manifests as a fruit fly problem. no, it manifests as a fruit fly problem, its in the allegedly quantifiable factor in my brain that i root my value formation and judgment in. no, it manifests as my response to the problem, its in the reproduction of my desires and attachments to the root stability of my values. no, it manifests as the consequences of my response to the problem, its in the continuation and internal conception of the karmic experience.

no, the karma is merely in the natural phenomenon. the fruit flies in their karma of instinct are quantifiably beheld to conditions beneficial to their incubation cycle, and their karma manifests as my cyclic negligence and proactivity in disturbing those beneficial conditions. a hyperreal being, who affects them and their environment in ways beyond their comprehension. regardless of the subjectivity, and no matter how errant or irresponsibly the life is facilitated, it cant avoid experiencing the pain of growth, hunger, injury, death, all within the prison of fear-and-scarcity based cognition. its karma is to be born and shackled by its conditions, my karma is to produce the conditions for such a suffering birth; its karma is to be thrown around by the world, mine is to do some of the throwing and second guess myself every time.

the karma is the fact that my material betterment lies not in their liberation but in their material injury as individuals and as a population. the karma lies in my reification of valueless experiences that i judge "beneficial" or "detrimental". half inside, half outside, but synthesized nondually and materialized with change-on-a-leash in the pursuit of stability or comfort. my material conditions, my sensing, my feeling, my judgment, my feelings, my reaction, my feelings, all playing with the world like its a sandbox and never seeing beyond the consequences in front of me. regardless of whether its negligence or proactivity, the karma is in constraining my perception of the world with my judgment, attachment, and reaction to its conditions.

my karma is in singlehandedly maintaining the mass life, suffering, and death of this local fruit fly population. theres no going back to before my and their karma ripened (population growth), and the only solutions paved ahead of me are just... plots and plots of open tilled soil, waiting for more karmic seeds to be sown (active pest control or inevitable population degrowth). my karma is to produce more karma in a desperate, delusional, and ultimately dualistic attempt to not resolve but cover old karma.

in the end though my karma is in breaking the cycle, learning the lessons of suffering to mitigate the necessity for karmic solutions in the first place. nurturing the fruit flies as a whole like theyre a gravely ill loved one, someone whose suffering is unjust and natural, whom i can only ferry thru their inevitable, cyclic ripening of karma.

saṃsāra relies on false hobsons choices, and makes the nondual solution seem conceptually impossible. breaking the cycle will always seem illogical or impossible when the production of logic and possibility themselves, in our minds and our lives, are rooted in forces which perpetuate the cycle.

[wisteria-lodge]

badger primary (light snake model) + lion secondary (bird model) (badger model)

hi, i’d really appreciate it if you could help sort me because i think that both my primary and secondary are either burnt or i’ve just overanalyzed this since all of the descriptions for the houses seem relatable to some extent. i’ll start with the secondary. i don’t particularly enjoy using any method of the secondaries.

Burnt secondary? Lots of models?

i honestly can’t even find a pattern from the things that have worked best for me. the best things in my life always happened when i wasn’t forcing anything, they just sort of fell into place, so i just feel like i’ve had luck?

Hmm. “Just lucky I guess” is usually a description of a Snake secondary… but it’s not really a way Snake secondaries describe themselves. That’s more the perspective of someone outside looking in. It’s possible that you just haven’t thought much about your methods before?

i have to do lists for the day and week, since it definitely calms me down when i know clearly what im supposed to accomplish in a day, but beyond that i don’t make plans.

The way this is famed as something you “have” to do that “calms you down,” - basically an anti-anxiety tactic - makes me think it’s probably a support system. I’m gong with Bird secondary model for now.

i don’t even know how i solve problems? i am both confrontational and non-confrontational haha. i never want to leave things unsaid and not explain myself properly to people.

That’s Lion (actually, maybe that’s why you don’t know how you solve problems. The classic Lion secondary just jumps in and reacts.) Even this idea of the on/off of confrontational/non-confrontational is very Lion.

when it comes to other problems that aren’t people-related i guess i’m quick and can come up with a solution on the spot.

Improvisational secondary.

i def relate to snake bc i do think it’s a luxury to be able to be fully myself in front of people.

That is a tremendously Lion way of conceptualizing snake. “Oh I get Snake, they’re acting all the time, but what they REALLY want is to be able to feel safe enough to go into neutral.” A snake loves the masks. A snake *is* the masks.

i’ve also been told i’m really stubborn.

Lion.

i tell the occasional white lie, as in, i might soften my criticisms to not offend ppl, or i make up an excuse for why i cant go out if i’d rather stay at home. i would never lie about important things like my beliefs and misrepresent myself, or about anything that has actual serious consequences. but, if i really wanted to, or i’m really pressed, i usually have no problem with coming up with something on the spot (and i’m not proud of it, in fact, i don’t like myself for it).

Lions *can* lie (it’s really only in fiction that you get the Absolutely Incapable of Lying Lion.) They just… really really don’t like it. It make them feel sticky.

i’m definitely known to be smart and hardworking and kind, because i do genuinely do the work and finish what i start, but i don’t know if i find any particular enjoyment in it? sure, it feels nice to be honest and to see things through, but i also don’t mind doing things another way.

Again, you focused in on the most Lion-y part of a Badger secondary, and said that’s what “feels nice.” Other than that, sounds like a useful Badger model. Really common.

i do care about disappointing the people who have a good opinion of me though.

A Badger primary? Don’t want to disappoint the community?

as for primary i prioritize myself and my people which i know is very snakey, but i don’t always like the fact that i do that.

Okay interesting. I’m still thinking Badger… but maybe… Burnt Badger? Burnt Badgers will act like snakes and kind of hate it. Or maybe we’ve got a Snake model?

i relate to bird because i like to base my morality based on external information, to have some solid ground and some solid rules which i try to live by. i can even change my believes easily if i receive new info.

External primary. Still kind of leaning Badger. I know you’re thinking bird, and while it’s *possible*… I’m just not getting Bird from you yet. (A bird would be telling me all about their rules.)

i don’t know if i’m really snake bc i think i can also be selfish and put my wants/goals/morals above those of even my people.

And you clearly don’t *like* the fact that you do this. I’m not even sure if your Badger is burned, I think it might just be guilty. No one is a perfect, unblemished, shining example of their sorting at all times.

and i don’t know if i’m a bird who models snake, or a snake who models bird.

I am honestly getting neither of those things.

in fights with friends i always looked at things objectively and supported the person i thought was right until my best friend said that that bothered her, so after that i tried to always defend her.

So does that mean you felt *more* moral defending your friend no questions asked, or *less* moral?

as to why i relate to lion, it’s because i do like to trust my gut and honestly it’s never been wrong, but i don’t think i make decisions simply based on that. i also don’t know if i’d place some ideal over actual people.

my god you are such a Loyalist.

i don’t really understand what a lion’s cause is? how do they decide on that?

Oh, you don’t choose your cause. Your cause chooses you.

one more thing that i think is very lion is that i’ve often been annoyed by people who have to have some external data tell them that some things are right and some things are wrong. yes, there’s nuance, but i guess i just can’t understand why you need justification to believe smth as basic as people deserve food, and water and housing.

I mean, I know you’re framing this in a Lion way, and sure this could be Lion. But all I’m hearing is that core Badger primary emotion “they matter because they’re people!”

the one primary i def know im not is badger,

This is going to be good.

since i don’t really care for communities. just like i don’t understand a lion’s cause, i also don’t really understand what ppl mean by community. i wouldn’t treat anyone differently depending on whether of not they’re a part of my community.

It’s because you’re a Universal Badger, and it’s lovely. You don’t understand what people mean by ���community’ because you’re too deep inside it. You don’t see how anyone could exist without the cosmic understanding of “community” that you have.

i’d treat them differently based on my opinion of them/their relation to me.

There *is* still something a little Snakey, or possibly Burned badger, sneaking in here.

i still offer everyone basic politeness and kindness though.

My *guess* is your idea of what “basic kindness” is is… very different from a Snake primary’s.

the main thing is that i can simply choose what to care about.

That’s an external primary thing (Bird or Badger)

i guess i’d feel the most bad if i caused the people i care about harm or if i disappointed them.

I know this is kind of a wording trick, but Snakes really do talk about individuals - “My brother” “my mom” “my significant other.” You have talked about “the people who have a good opinion of me” “the people I care about” “my people” “friends” “actual people.” The only individual you’ve mentioned is your best friend, the one who told you it bothered her when you didn’t back her up. I think it’s actually possible this *friend* might be a Snake primary, and if she’s really important to you… you might have built a Snake model for her that you are a little uncomfortable with.

i’ve also seen that you should look back to your childhood to sort yourself and as a child i knew i wanted to be successful and i knew i wanted to help people and the environment, but they were always vague ideas.

Bagder.

mostly, i was content with playing and spending time with my parents/grandparents/friends.

BADGER. (And again, notice all the collective nouns.)

i daydreamed of being a princess and an actress so that my family would be financially secure and would never worry about money.

You are adorable. (I seriously love Badger primaries.)

if it helps to sort me, i had to choose between studying smth i was passionate about in college and going into STEM bc it was more stable. in the end, i decided on the latter. i’m not going to lie i was miserable for a year and a half into it, but i pushed through it, and now i’m in my final year and kind of happy that i did. i rlly relate to one answer in the sortinghatchats quiz that says i made my choice, now i live with it, life only moves in a forward direction.

That probably was a tricky decision, especially with your Lion secondary, but yeah. External primaries can just sort of decide to care about things, and it’s extremely cool.

sorry for the long post, but i’d really appreciate the help. i love your blog and posts!

You’re very welcome. This one was fun.

[3000s]

Hey I am asking around because I want to see different ideas... I would appreciate it but if you don’t want to there is no need to answer... What’s like the origin of gender? When did it evolve or otherwise arise? How? How does that relate to human sexuality evolving, given our orientations like homosexuality are about gender? Did it evolve in other species and does it require consciousness (i had assumed so because it’s self image)..? Do the species without gender lack orientations or are theirs based in sex not gender unlike humans? Is it appropriate to call, say, penguins gay, if they lack gender? Or does it confuse the issue and either anthropomorphise them OR tacitly support an essentialist and transphobic view of gayness being about sex (eg oh look two MALE penguins, assigned based on dicks, fucking, that’s what being gay is) etc ... Sorry this is a lot.:: I feel very lost working it out :( every questions answer pops up like 100 more questions

i couldnt tell you, but in my view i think we all have our own internal identities and things that make us the way we are wrt gender and sexuality, no idea how they're constructed and it doesnt rlly bother me not to know, probably through different experiences and associations and w/e over time and biological factors and whatever else, it wouldnt mean anything unless we made it mean something, for better or worse lol

cant speak for anyone else, my experience w sexuality even as a trans person is based around someone having the same type of genitalia as me and thats the most solid thing about it ig, i think that means different things for different individuals as i see myself as a bisexual man bc of that, but another trans male with the same type of preference may identify as a straight guy or a gay guy, imo sexuality belongs to the individual and while its important to have community at times i feel like theres too much focus on like, shared experiences meaning 1 specific thing, when people can have the same experience and view it in different ways depending on any kind of factor, i think ultimately its all very personal and it was a huge mistake at some point to allow each other even within the lgbt community to feel like we're entitled to know the details of each others sex lives because nobody is going to relate to everybody but it becomes a weird thing to see people fight over it. does that make any sense? its late i should probably go to bed but this was an interesting ask so i'm trying to make enough sense for it LMAO

that was kind of a tangent but the penguin question reminded me of my thoughts on the way cis people dont seem to understand why transgender "homosexuals" dont all identify with the same sexuality, but to answer that part too i have no idea how other animals conceptualize gender beyond mating so it wouldnt bother me personally to assume that the penguins are male and that they're gay bc i dont think it necessarily means anything in relation to transgender humans, though i do get where you're coming from w that

[runearcana]

Reasons I am Terezi:

My soon to be deadname sounds like Terezi.

I have an absurdly long tongue. 

I look and dress like Terezi. [my hair ends up short, and when I straighten it, it always has a curve at the ends like hers. Ive always thought I look like a female version of Karkat and even tried to be more like him.] I primarily wear black t-shirts with nerdy images.

I love mysteries, solving them, and have a knack for knowing the law on an intuitive level.

I had a best fuckin friend forever that I did everything with. We called ourselves the Greythorne Sisters. I was Wither and she was Malice. [telling much?]

When I broke up with her, I.. used my very strong foresight and saw that there would be issues if we stayed friends. Karkat also encouraged me to do it and was outside when I went through with it. After I told her, she literally crumpled, and I hugged her one last time. She didnt expect it at all. ._.

I went insane with regret and self-hatred afterwards.

My ultimate crush looked, acted, and spoke [yelled] EXACTLY like Karkat.

The reason I got into Homestuck was because I was incredibly shocked at how his likeness was captured in the fan art, and even the official art. EVERYTHING is the same except he has grey-blue eyes, caucasion skin color, lacks horns. Everything else is the same. He sounds most like a more masculine version of Broadway Karkat. Very wicked and masculine voice. Extremely intimidating guy despite his size. [hes not short, just shorter than youd expect someone with a cocky personality like his.]

Karkat even called us the Scourge Sisters. 

He hated Vriska. He was jealous of her as well, as anyone interested in me would have been.

I loved Karkat, more than anyone except Vriska, but my self-esteem was too low to believe he legitimately cared about me. On some level I knew he cared about me, but I was too BLIND to see it.

I didnt know I loved Vriska more than Karkat until I had already lost her. v.v

Vriska and I had a serious BDSM relationship [kismesis] after being moirails a very long time. We should have stayed moiraills. :[ It was really my fault that she acted the way she acted.

I am an empath and I can legitimately taste peoples energies. 

I may as well be blind because my eyesight is useless to me without glasses.

My favorite color isnt red, its TEAL, but I have a crazy fetish for fiery guys.

Libra ascendant, which is funny because A. your ascendant was your sign in a previous life, and B. its the realm of your PERSONALITY. [Sun is about your life path and moon is about emotions. :P]

I am creepy and cute [or was when I identified as female]. I love scaring the shit out of people. >:]

I like 1337, but I refuse to type that way all the time even though quirks are awesome conceptually. I mean if I could program the computer to remember my quirk, itd be different, but that isnt a thing yet. Itd definitely spice the internet up much more. :]

I still play with plushies and whatevers at hand and draw with chalk.

I adore dragons and see myself as one because I was born in the year of the dragon. :P

I like to cosplay, and wear capes pretty often. 

Dave is someone I cared about a great deal. He had a crush on me, but I saw him as a brother. Dirk is a total piece of shit and hurt Dave and Karkat and its why they have so much in common. He IS Daves bro. Dave sort of sticks up for him and Dirk has clueless followers. 

Gamzee was a best friend of mine like Dave and we technically had a kismisitude relationship. Gamzee told me Karkat was his best friend but I didnt know it was mutual. He was very upset that Gamzee and I were kinda together.

One night I was sitting at the end of Vriskas bed, thinking she was asleep, and trying not to wake her up with blowing my nose. She was awake and spooked and said she thought I was cackling like a maniac at the end of the bed like a creep. I thought it was pretty much a good assessment.

Another time she told me that while I was asleep, she saw an *evil* me with a sharp toothed grin and grey skin. It didnt seem improbable to me.

John is my biological brother. Hes a Virgo sun, and hes a nerd. :] Hes the only person beside my dad and aunt I talk to. [lots of friends I have, lol.]

Rose is a c*nt but I was fascinated with her for some reason. Rose hates Homestuck because of the fanbase. [lolll]

Kanaya is her sister, not gf/wife. Shes cool, and a reasonable person and was a friend, but we didnt talk much. I dont know why really.. x.x

Aradia was my best friend before Vriska. She and Sollux are married. I had a crush on her hsband and it was awkward.

Equius is an ex. Longest relationship Ive been in was with him.

Eridan is as much of a insufferable asshat as he is in the series, but not good looking in the slightest. He can be.. surprisingly insightful at times. None of us like him, even us INFPs. [Dave and I.]

I see Aranea as my mother. Talks non-stop, ruins lives.. but I used to look up to her.

Calliope was a fellow dragon lover friend that Dave introduced me to. Her handle was Celestial Serpent and she is even more asexual than I am. :]

My friends saw my and Karkats connection as being more like Karkats and Nepetas. He treated me like I was autistic and mostly ignored me. Probably until I confessed to him, and then after I went crazy because I had lost Vriska, and hoped that I could rely on him to be there for me. but despite all that bravado cockiness of his, hes a total wimp. ._.] Karkat and I had a ridiculously brief unspoken relationship that was only through telepathic communication and I got beyond frustrated and kissed a woman, and it was over like that. No one knows about this but us. Its another thing that I have ruminated on and hated myself for and deeply regretted.

I envy gamer girls who are actually good at games and wish I could be more confident and popular. v.v; [Latula]

I had a character on Gaiaonline with the Chucku Norisu scarf and the winged staff item and people drew freebie art of it for me, and when I looked at my pictures after learning about Homestuck it was pretty crazy.

Vriska [best artist I know] drew a character that looked a lot like Terezi that I had liked a lot.

I was very isolated when I was young. Neglected by my parents for the most part and felt too different from other humans. I always wanted a tree house and bulit my own club house that I hung out in as a kid.

My friends pretty much unfairly looked down on and even despised Vriska except Gamzee.

I love the taste and sight of blood. [Im a sadist.]

Dave made a proposition that he, me and Karkat be in a poly relationship and I turned it down. [I did not want to share Karkles with ANYONE. I know in the comic Dave actually disliked the idea, but the poly thing came up with the three of us. I dont know if Karkat was cool with it or not because he always used Dave as our go-between, but if Dave made the offer it must have been Karkat approved. Asshole. -.-]

Karkat and Dave live together and are more than likely morails. Karkat isnt attracted to Dave, but Dave has said he is attracted to Karkat.

I had a dragon umbrella that looked like a cane that I loved a lot.

Karkat is pretty much the unofficial group leader, or at least he was in my opinion. I could see Sollux saying Id make a better leader, though, because Im more clear-headed and calm about things and people from that group respected me [more than I was aware of].

We are all connected somehow.. but the main group consisted of Dave, Gamzee, Rose, Kanaya, me [Terezi], Karkat, and a few people I didnt see as characters from Homestuck. Vriska was not allowed to hang out with us at first. When she finally got her freedom [with my help] she wouldnt hang with the group, and they saw her as taking me away from them. They thought she treated me poorly, but she really didnt. -.- [Vriska did nothing wrong, theyre all just jerks.]

I dont hang out or talk to any of them anymore except John. Im always finding myself reminiscing and I really just wish I could forget I ever met them so I could start over fresh.

I have a spirit guide that is a DRAGON and teaches me anything Id like to know, especially in esoteric matters. His name is Shadowfall Ryu. Ryu is Japanese for Dragon. [lusus] and I agonize that I dont know him irl. Everyone knows about him. I have drawn so much art of him and talked about him so much. He is my ideal self. [i know the lusus in the comics is female, but whatever. Its still interesting.]

I collect dragon stuff, including plushies. I still play with them and wish others would play with me.

List goes on and on.

I cant make this stuff up.

[jonathankatwhatever]

I dont know if I can keep doing this. I spent decades mapping sound to my fingers, to my mind, and I’m still at the beginning of the ways it can fit together. I started working on a new level of left hand playing, but I dont know if I should bother because, bluntly, it’s not like anyone cares, and I now doubt whether this process was the correct path.

I feel like a dilettante. I dont know music theory to any great depth. I play the harmonies I hear and find but I dont associate them with dots on pages. I love to make pictures, but I chose not to develop my technical skills because either this was my path or because I was too much of a coward to pursue that or any of the other things I loved.

I’ve largely hated my life, especially my life as an adult. I’ve worked for thieves to learn how thieves work, and how they fit into sophisticated and unsophisticated systems. I never liked any of my jobs. I didnt like law school, though I enjoyed learning the processes of argument and conceptual, as opposed to symbolic, analysis.

My knowledge of math and physics is skin deep. I know what Lagrangians and Hamiltonians are but I cant calculate them. The blizzard of theorems in math is way beyond my understanding; it takes years of study to keep the names and meanings straight, let alone to recognize when they are approriate.

I focus on something else, and I cant even describe what that is. Making a picture? What am I doing? What does it mean that I map the sounds in their relations in my head and not through knowing which notes go together? What does it mean that any notes go together if they’re put together in a way that fits them together? It isnt like I’m trying to upend orchestration. I’m not. The production of orchestration is a craft and art, so why couldnt I learn in a typical way from books and from teachers. Why did I need to do that this way?

I remember lots of conversations about this. The point to me of music is to bring out myself, whether that’s emotional or intellectual or just pretty sound, as that taps into the larger process by which music exists apart from me. That’s really it: I have always known that music comes from somewhere else and I only tap into it. I’ve spent decades developing some skills for tapping into the flow.

And the math is the same thing. I dont give a fuck about the zeroes of the zeta series. To me, they’re part of a much larger picture, one that becomes clearer every day but which ... I am trying to read equations as model statements, and that’s becoming easier but it’s very frustrating. I now mentally think of sin as yK and cosine as xK, and I translate e as a basic model statement (of 1 + a disappearing bit allocated over that ‘space’). I dont have any interest in evaluating improper integrals or applying the gamma function, etc. I just want to understand why. It’s the same question I had when I was held down on a table and operated on: I just want to know what’s happening.

I waver between feeling that everything points at me and the feeling that I’m entirely deluded, but am somehow clever enough to make a coherent delusion, one that works but which doesnt attach to reality. I dealt with a question like that today: that the Christian idea Judaism is ‘chosen’ fits perfectly to the idea the new covenant succeeds to the old, and their covenant is exclusive so therefore they impose exclusivity on Jews though we dont believe that at all. That is an example of a group which attaches, which is symmetrical, which carries out, which even has determinable roots, but which is also untrue because it is literally not true at the end of the chain by which that group imposes a definition or result or ordering on Judaism. How can I be completely correct and yet be wrong? That’s one way: I’ve created a logically coherent system oriented around an interpretation of you which isnt you, which I impose on you, but which isnt you.

There is a difference, of course, and I’ve gone through that: the level of coincidence is too great. But it’s still coincidence, and I have to believe at this point that ... well, last night I dreamt I was in high school or the like and there was an assignment to write out and describe a scene - the details have faded - and of course I had no idea that was the assignment, and no idea what was going on. That’s a good description of my fear: what the fuck do I have to do? How do I know what I’m doing is the right thing?

Do you know how hard it is to think of myself as Jo, even though it’s my own damned name? It pulls up every bad feeling. The fear that soon I’ll have to kill myself without knowing whether or how I’ve failed, just that I’ve run out of time. The fear that I’ve never understood anything, that I’ve convinced myself of illusions. And on that I’m supposed to build an entire system which demonstrates how eternity exists, how it works, and thus why and how humans should be better? On not knowing? To quote Dean Martin, aint that a kick in the head?

Take my physical improvements. They’re impressive, but I’m nowhere near great. I cant do handstands or even decent arm balances; my left/right conflicts have made me extremely tentative about smashing my face into the ground. I can bend really well, but I’m not super flexible. Just another personal accomplishment. Yay me, I guess. I can dance but I cant dance like a professional.

People react to me but no one tells me I’m good looking. Every once in a while, someone will tell me I’m intelligent, but mostly they point out my obvious flaws, like my inability to remember that a gallon is 128 not 64 ounces. (Which I only grasped because that doubling of the whole is a complex rotation, which means 2 because that embodies the reflexive segment (from -1 to 1 and back).

I cant stop because I cant stop. I’m so tired of being in here unable to be myself except to myself. You should see how it works; I’m fuming, angry at myself, at the world, and then I say no my name is Joanna and suddenly I’m relaxed and happy.

I’m groping toward a sense of something I’ve been bouncing off each time I approach: how did the ancients think of infinity? It is contained in this not knowing and not knowability. And that I know is contained in the approach I’ve been detailing of the gs and alternation.

I wish you would hold me and tell me I can do this because this is as difficult as we knew it would be, assuming there’s a we and not just an I hearing voices in my head.

[eekispyykes]

Coding: Paradigm & Method-Function Polyglot “Style/Mixin”Sheets.

Its long believed that there is no 'best language' but that the choices of languages and types of programming must suit the average processes of the project.  Javascript and Ruby are not better than one another. C# and Python are not better than one another. Developer preference also plays a hand in innovation through languages, else there'd be no point to copyright code. It would all be boilerplate repetition like a sick Lorem Ipsum opening “It was a Dark and Stormy Night”.

I first propose that we recognize the gap between web development and desktop development is itself a paradigm. Putting aside frameworks , a webpage is an HTML document on a Y axis with a CSS binding of attributes/functions/ methods on the X axis.  One step further.. adding a Main,js linkage.. then we also have a Z axis of procedural affect on the webpage.  To me the sphere of coding in 3D is easy to conceptualize. I dont mean to promote myself as ultra nerd here... a markup document is also a type of quantum object, each variable existing as different code identity to the different paradigms and extensions that effect it. Even if you disagree.. what I propose next is exactly that.

The root of choosing a language is that the keywords and API are best suited to construct functions and methods. Our problem these days is no matter how extensive the library farm could be.. we are stuck often with a single language (or group of languages) to organize AND to engineer all the processes. This ends. By conceptualizing all (desktop) code as existing on an HTML editor screen.. we can now create additional <links> to a parallel paradigm and function style sheet.. one function 'style sheet” to rule them all .. so to say.. in the way CSS deepens HTML. Think of this language stylesheet more like a Ruby Mixin allowing Each function constructed in the  programming language that best suits its operation. In my early sense of this , procedural and functional languages (and oop) may need to be divided to their own.. but the end state is that there is a polyglot functions sheet that can only ever be an improvement to bugfree elite software development. I cant presume you all prefer Object Oriented at the get-go.    As different languages do acknowledge variables in different ways .. our programming environment is already beyond 3d/quantum engineering on a mere flat panel and caffeinated dark editor theme.

[motorcyclegirlfriends]

the think what worries me if somehow the writer putting the direction that accepting she is just kara danvers when she is more than that, that she accepting she has to be human bc kara danvers was a disguise made to blend on earth and diguise where she lost her last name, her honor, her title to live in earth like immigrants usually does and lose their culture bc they cant say their name or last name is weird.

Well, first I think I should note that Kara Danvers is a lot more than an unwilling disguise for Kara.

For one—The personality Kara has when she’s not Supergirl isn’t put-on. There are parts of her that she hides, but she didn’t one day pick up the glasses and act goofy the same way Clark did to hide the fact that he’s Superman. She suppresses a lot, but she’s otherwise as honest as she can be without revealing that she’s an alien (hence her always accidentally revealing a bit too much—she’s a pretty open person by nature). 

For instance: she doesn’t act awkward, she is awkward. 

(She puts on a smile, but that’s not purposefully to hide her alien-ness. It helps, but it’s a quality she has even when those she’s with know everything. It’s metaphorically a disguise, but in the same way anyone hiding their feelings is. She has this trait when she’s Supergirl, and she would probably have a touch of this trait if she lived a full life as Kara Zor-El on Krypton.)

Really, in a way, I’d argue that Kara Danvers isn’t so much a disguise as who she became.

Though, for the purposes of other metas, I don’t begrudge the use of the term.

Further, there is an immigrant narrative here, yes—Kara’s necessary loss of the name Zor-El because she has to hide where she came from. Calling herself Danvers must have been impossibly difficult, because she’s already lost very nearly all of her culture. (It’s terribly sad and thus terribly interesting to me, and an idea that I’d love to see explored more.)

But this is also an adoption narrative.

Kara Danvers is a part of the Danvers family. She’s Alex’s sister, Eliza’s foster daughter. 

Kara Danvers is the person Kara became after she lost her birth family.

And calling herself Danvers must also have been impossibly difficult because she lost her whole family. 

And Zor-El may represent Kryptonian heritage—the royalty of the House of El—but it also represents that she was Zor-El’s daughter, Alura’s daughter, Kal’s cousin, Jor-El and Lara’s niece. Astra’s niece, even. That name represents that she was a part of an entire, whole family, once.

But it also represents that she doesn’t have that anymore. 

It’s a proud and lonely name.

But Danvers? It’s may not literally mean “El Mayarah” the way her birth name does, but it certainly represents “stronger together”.

Danvers is Kara reaching out for love after losing everything.

“Eliza refused to leave. 

She said that my parents would want me to be loved, and that nothing would replace them. That they were a part of who I am.

It was the first time I ever let her really hug me, and that was the first time I didn’t feel alone anymore. 

Having M'Gann in your life doesn’t mean losing your family. It means feeling whole again.”

Kara Danvers is Kara allowing herself to be loved. Kara Danvers is Kara letting herself be a part of a new family.

There are things she does, like call Eliza her foster mom, not her mom, that honor her birth parents.

But Kara has made it very clear in canon that to her—an individual character who was adopted, rather than a one-size-fits-all adoption representation—the name Kara Danvers represents her attempt to have a “normal” (happy and whole) life after losing the life she was supposed to have.

And that’s why Kara is giving up on this name now. 

She has always feared that she’ll never have the kind of happiness that she would have had on Krypton, and a romantic relationship is a part of that happiness.

“Seeing you and Lucy makes me think that I am never gonna have what you two have. Someone who knows everything about me. My perfect partner at a game night.”

“Kara, you’ll find someone…”

“Growing up on Earth, I never felt normal. And I always thought that if I started to use my powers, my life would make sense. But I’m realizing that… 

Being myself doesn’t make me feel more normal. And it never will. Because my normal life, ended the second my parents put me on that ship. And that makes me… so… mad.”

So when she lost her relationship with Mon-El—who was someone who could conceivably understand more about her than any human, bring her closer to what a ‘normal’ life would have been on Krypton than she ever imagined—she takes it as more proof that she’ll never have that happy earthly life.

And that’s why she has given up on Kara Danvers.

Because when she took that name, she decided to make the Danvers her family and Earth her home.

Kara Danvers means letting herself try to form a happy everyday existence—a career, friends, family. Romantic love.

Kara Danvers means hope for Kara as an individual.

And she feels like she can’t risk that hope anymore, because it’s been proven that she’ll never have that life too many times.

But what Kara Danvers does not mean, is forgetting Krypton or her family.

That’s just… impossible. It’s present within Kara at all times. It runs through her like her Kryptonian blood.

Now, it’s unfortunate that the show has taken the word “human” away from it’s literal meaning, because we’re all very attached to how Kara does not become the same as a human when she loses her powers and to the idea presented in the season one finale—that unlike Clark, Kara does not have a human mind.

But really, they usually mean “human” colloquially, in the way we usually do—“a regular person” (like in Cat’s speech about caring about loved ones making them ‘human,’ not selfish). 

And they also may at some point mean “human” the way Kara means “Kara Danvers”—symbolically unified with the human race.

(I think they’d mean it in a similar way to how immigrants who move to America are American, but it’s sorta a false equivalency, in my opinion. But it’s a realistic false equivalency that the characters could believe, so I’m willing to play along.)

But the show is cognizant of the necessary balance of Kara’s identities.

If Kara ever decides that she’s only Kara Danvers, that she’s only “human”, then the show would present it as a problem to be solved. 

Really, one of the biggest purposeful themes of the show is balance. 

I’m not sure they conceptualize the character as three different selves the way we do—Kara Zor-El, Kara Danvers, and Supergirl. 

They may unconsciously see Kara Zor-El as who she is at her core, Kara Danvers as who she became on Earth, and Supergirl as a role she plays that also shows another aspect of her true self. 

They may consciously see her identities as just Kara vs Supergirl, as is suggested in the “Supergirl is what I can do. Kara is who I am” quote.

Or perhaps—as Melissa offhandedly refers to them in an interview— “Kara Zor-El the superhero and Kara Danvers, the reporter.”

(It probably changes, tbh. Which isn’t bad writing so much as a reflection of the intangibility of these identities. There’s no real right answer, because she’s always all of these things. It’s merely a novel and interesting way to conceptualize it, which would inform Kara’s self-perception in canon and thus inform her actions.)

But that doesn’t prevent them from honoring the qualities contained within these three selves through their storytelling.

When we first met Kara, she was only Kara Danvers, and she was unhappy because of it. The issue presented and focused on was that she wasn’t allowed to be a superhero. So when she became one, she was embracing who she was really supposed to be.

Happiness found from balance. 

All of season one was about her trying to master this new role as Supergirl and handle her Kara Danvers responsibilities. Emphasis on trying to get down the role of Supergirl (note that the low point of this theme was in Falling, when the people began to fear Supergirl).

Effectively, if perhaps not consciously as far as a separate identity, we also saw Kara embrace Kara Zor-El more in being able to share her alien-ness with the people in her lives. In being able to talk about her grief of an entire planet and culture beyond, “My parents died in a fire.” 

And just being able to mention Kryptonian stuff from time to time! How much of a relief must that have been?

Season 2 was promoted with the theme of Kara balancing Kara Danvers and Supergirl again (with Supergirl now being the stronger identity), though the consistency of this theme was lackluster. For the purposes of having a cohesive understanding, we’ll focus on how Kara thought she had it all figured out by the end of this season, until Kara Danvers crashed and burned. 

Really, the other aspects of her Kara Danvers identity grew further away (not only because Mon-El took a lot of her focus, but because the other relationships in her life suffered other circumstances. Her job included, though by the end it might actually have been the strongest part of her ‘human’ life.) so that when she lost the strongest element of it, she couldn’t properly rely on all those other things. 

An unbalance within the identity that threatened it altogether, in the end.

And now, in season 3, she’s given up on Kara Danvers completely.

Her Kara Zor-El identity is present but not processed. It motivates her being Supergirl even though she is depressed, because she has a responsibility to her mother and to Krypton to be extraordinary and to help this planet but not to be happy. But I think the fact that this event is triggering her abandonment issues (issues innately tied into what we see as Kara Zor-El) isn’t something she’s allowing herself to really think about or talk about.

In some ways.. she’s living as Kara Zor-El, but that identity in and of itself is unbalanced.

In nearly every interview Melissa was in during comic con, she mentioned the scales of Kara’s life—Kara vs Supergirl—as something she is always juggling, and that now all of the weight is on Supergirl. 

And that’s the problem.

That’s always a problem in this show. If she puts too much emphasis on one aspect of her life, it makes her unhappy, and the plot works to resolve it in an entertaining way.

So the message of the show would never be that Kara is only Kara Danvers.

And perhaps they don’t conceptualize this character as Kara Zor-El, Kara Danvers, and Supergirl, but they’d never forget the parts of Kara that make her a Zor-El. 

And the name itself is not forgotten, either. For one, she introduces herself every episode with “My name is Kara Zor-El”. 

And she’s been called it on the show by others, as well.

Quick google search for quotes:

Season one, Maxima: “We could have been family, Kara Zor-El.”

Season one, Indigo: “Kill Kara Zor-El today or fight her tomorrow.”

Season one, Non: “Accept defeat, Kara Zor-El.”

Season two, Kelex: “Hello, Kara Zor-El.“

Season two, Mr. Mxyzptlk: “Kara Zor El, I love you.”

Season two, Mon-El: “Mother, father, this is Kara Zor-El.”

Season two, J’onn: “Your parents’ legacy is not death and destruction, Kara Zor-El. It’s you.”

I’m sure there are a lot more. It’s not a name they’re forgetting. 

Every time she is introduced to or referred to by someone she doesn’t have to hide her identities from and doesn’t mostly interact with her in the form of Kara Danvers, she is Kara Zor-El.

So I think she will always see herself as Kara Zor-El, while also being all these other things. 

And if any of these parts of her are gone, she’s not her full self, which the show is shown to be very much aware of it and has always made a point to address.

So I don’t think you’ll ever have to worry about Kara losing any of these names for very long.

[queernuck]

to say i dont wish i were dead is incorrect. i still wish i were dead, i definitely still wish i were fucking dead and to ignore that is like, wilfully creating a new and moreover disingenuous state-of-the-situation where I’m even remotely happy with my life as a state-of-affairs, where I have actual hope for the future, where i see advancement beyond wherever i am mired now.

but to say i wish i were dead already makes the mistake of implying that i dont wish my girlfriend were here, that i dont miss my girlfriend dearly, that im not aching for her presence, her touch, her love. she means so so much to me, she means everything to me!! shes my everything and im so glad to have her in my life, im so so so lucky and its all just so so tough

i miss her dearly and that she isn’t here right now is so fucking frustrating, i dont even really know how to describe it. i miss her, i love her, she’s my everything and i am so so glad to know her at all but just, its painful, its so so very painful to be without her. 

and just, all of this is within such a fucking precarious balance. work is difficult but it’s specifically difficult because there’s so much bullshit involved with the ideology of retail, with the conceptual burden of retail as a space, with the way that emotional labor specifically is precluded from me by the apparent maleness of my body, how that leads to a certain degree of better treatment but moreover that it requires in short that i face a rejection of myself every day, that i am forced to articulate a self in bad faith, i can feel the partial-objects of my body being broken apart and shifted again and again and again. there is a formed body that I have been given, and everything seeks to rip it apart as many times as possible. it is not the creation of a new, static body but a continual realization of this process as an externality to time. 

i miss her and i love her and im tending toward self-harm in some ways, im eating less and i am doing my best not to trigger myself unnecessarily but i still find myself getting so easily triggered, so frustratingly precarious in thought, and it hurts, it does. im losing it, i really am. and i just wanna pop something or snort something or smoke something to make it a bit better but i cant even do that right now. fuck this.