#i cannot function like this like i need breaks and time and i'm slow and i don't need six people judging me when i'm just trying to learn

[an-absolute-nightmare]

so much for thinking i beat exam anxiety

[bluginkgo]

Just what in the fack did I watch... I'm gonna go watch it again just for funsies and to cry again (Rambles/Thoughts)

This post will mostly contain random rambles and thoughts I had while watching and rewatching the episode. And a lot of this is just going to be me ranting about scenes (the rants will most likely make you wanna go "Ginkgo, that's common sense we can see it smh." XD Just roll with it. Oh and NUzi scenes

Spoilers, duh and lots of words. Oh and gore warning? Kinda?

I mean... that scary *ss mother facking thing towards the end- you know what I'm talking about if you watched the ep 😅

First thing I found interesting, is how the Solver behaves in this scene. It's mere shadows, not even fully manifested. Further proves that the Solver transcends simple time and space, and is on a different plane of existence- a 4th dimension if you will.

The humans did, in fact, learn how to control the Solver. The pentagram like projections act as gravity enforcers and lights that subdue the solver for a period of time. Buuuut it seems that it's not full proof. It seems that this occurance is fairly common, seeing as the workers nearby were not very concerned that an eldrich being was about to break loose.

Alright another slow moment here. But I had to google wtf "MacGuffin" meant (English isn't my first language, so take it easy on me ;w;). And taking this straight from the google search "an object or device in a movie or a book that serves merely as a trigger for the plot." So most likely, the Absolute Solver is referring to the fact that Mitchell the intern set things in motion simply because he was mistaken for the real Dr. Chambers... Classic- CLASSIC human mistake XD

So... Heart/Nori. Something interesting is going on with her. I believe Nori WAS injured by the DDs and had to be finished off by Khan. I'll touch on Khan a bit later. But, just as seen with Eldrich J... I'm not sure why I've never thought of this before! It makes sense for Nori's corrupted core: Heart, to still function properly. Meaning, she could have snuck away when she was killed and returned to the cathedral to search for the crucifix. Uzi gets most of her style from Nori 🥹. Seems like Uzi got her mom's style and Khan's engineering abilities.

I had it all wrong- and I am ALL FOR IT! N wasn't afraid of something he saw ahead. He was upset with what they left BEHIND! V! And THIS ENTIRE SCENE

You cannot believe how surprised I was. This scene was so much better than I could have imagined it. Yes, it was painful to watch, but sweet robo-god this was executed SO DAM WELL TwT It was delicious angst. And Tessa was not in fact drawing her sword on Uzi, but instead protecting her... kinda... with an ulterior motive of course.

The gut wrenching betrayal right there. The animation team did a wonderful job at animating the betrayal and how it manifested in Uzi. Disbelief and then anger.

Not to mention her stumble. I hyper fixated on that stumble a bit too much on my first 2 watches. (Yes, I've rewatched the episode 8 times now, hush I love it XD). Her stumble shows weakness. And in that moment, she wishes to be anything BUT weak. The suspicion of betrayal is settling in, and she needs to be able to fight back. But her body is giving out. The events are taking a toll on her. And makes me appreciate the animation detail that much more.

This scene N is definitely angry. He's trying his best to keep it together and Tessa's pressure to injure and kill Uzi is not helping. So for him to be talking to Uzi, while glaring at Tessa is just him driving the point home. He is NOT going to hurt Uzi, no matter what they might find down in the labs.

But a poor choice of words that was. It gives Uzi a glimpse of what was actually happening and what has been bothering N. The trust vaporizes, and with it, any attempts with communication.

And what I believe, gives a nod back to ep2. As N steps in to try to help Uzi up, she retreats. Same happens in this episode. And the kicker? "Falling... for you" song starts lightly playing in the background.

This is far too comical after he says he deserves to have his limbs cut off. The whiplash I got from that is ridiculous... in a sad and funny way.

What an amazing shot. But it does paint a picture of what the DDs have done. Perhaps the blood also acted as cooling agents, and this is why the trend continued with robots- except this time around as oil. And this is what the Administration CYN most likely blocked out. Not only the manor time, but also the bloodbath that followed as Earth collapsed.

THE DOG MADE IT IN AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

It's interesting on how the solver manifests in the drones. It seems that Uzi's wings and tail, do not make the solver go insane, and she can continue to use it. However, later in the episode the same wings and tail go berserk. So it seems that once the transformation has set in- like with Uzi- it becomes part of the drone rather something that is manifested by the Absolute Solver's control.

SO MUCH TO UNPACK HERE XD Part 2A that Khan refers to is on the bottom left corner, the green core that Uzi got a hold of back in pilot episode- also titled as "I think this is a robot liver or something lol."

Plan B: Uzi could have had a normal gun if railgun didn't work. Bottom right corner

Top left corner under Uzi's railgun title: "30 min recharge time. That'll be fine." Famous last words ever XD

Top right corner: "Other things it can do: Not judge me, force prom dance, I can say I had friends but fricken murdered them with sci fi weaponry."

I love how sassy he is here XD His character development and arc is something that I will never forget. He has definitely come a great ways. Khan also seems adamant about his wife being completely dead. Which proves that he didn't know a single thing about the Absolute Solver and what it can do. He could only reference Nori's insane drawings and deduce that the planet was going to eat them all soon.

Idk if this is just my tired brain, but this comment felt like a joke to me. (Remember, I don't know anything about computers and the language ;w;) But the physical patch to save herself... as in, the same patches that are sent out for games/programs to fix bugs? That's the joke I got out of that one 😅

This entire sequence was something out of my nightmares XD The heel tapping that KEPT GETTING QUICKER definitely had me reeling back from the screen XD

The Nori and Yeva scene was so wholesome 🥹. I loved the way the animators showed their interaction. Despite the hellish events, they were still close.

My only issue with this image is, on what is Doll moving? Not like the floor. The core is gone from her body, what the heck is still driving her forward? Perhaps just on the sheer will to warn Uzi to "fight back." And I suppose I can see how she could still move without her main core. Almost acting like chickens do, when you cut their heads off. One was able to live for 18 months after the head was cut. So I suppose I can get behind the idea that Doll's final wish was to warn Uzi, at the very least, and thus forced the body to move until it did so.

But then, Tessa shows up. Which makes me wonder if she was the one that simply lead Doll's body to come to Uzi. How? Uhhh... Absolute Solver! Let's just go with that sweat face. The con in that theory is a simple: why? Why bother leading Doll to Uzi? To spook her? To give a false reason to attack Uzi? Given that N was still very much behind them all, I don't see why the Absolute Solver would try to make up some odd reason to attack Uzi. It could just simply... go ahead. There was no one there to fool, and could incapacitate Uzi easily. Buuuut I could also be looking too deep into this, as per usual.

Hey guess what.

I found the answer. XD Just as I'm typing this up, a frame popped up.

Yup, the core was still inside and thus running Doll and thus Doll could move, ok carry on. XD

Emotions spike the Absolute Solver, something that I love seeing and appears to be less headcanon and more canon at this point for me. Through the entire episode, the Solver keeps glitching out and forcing Uzi to lose control because in this situation, she's very stressed. A betrayal, a misunderstanding, learning about the past, everything becomes too much. This makes keeping the solver at bay that much harder.

He did NOT give her any chance. Yes or no, Tessa. That suddenness surprised me- in a good way. This shows how much N has grown. He's willing to stand up for his beliefs that much better. If he suspects something, he now acts on it, and does not wait for the other side to perhaps change his mind.

This scene. This scene shall live in my head rent free for a long while... Actually, the entire episode is gonna live rent free for a while. XD Not to mention the "Falling... for you" song plays in the background yet again. Ugh, pulling on heart strings there ;w;

They had us all fooled XD The hand lights were on just to trick us, and in fact were meant to be off this entire time! Oh you sneaky sneaky people. >w<

ALL OF THESE SCENES, they're all so cruel but SO GOOD TwT So cruel in context of how tortured N must be to fight Uzi, but so good in context that this fight sequence and animation is executed SO WELL. All of Nori's slaps were so personal XD Mama Nori educating NUzi

When I saw this scene, I couldn't help but think of ep3 and their dance. This entire episode is so bittersweet ;w;

She's still there TwT And she sees this entire fight. Of what she has become and done to N and omg I'm crying again. Moving on.

OMG YOU SILLY GOOBER BAHAHAHAHAHAHAH XD I love Nori/Heart's reaction, but the Absolute Solver also gets me laughing a bit too hard. "WHAT." That's so simple yet so effective. "What. Why. You are a DD I sent to kill the hosts, why are you hanging out."

The entire scene with NUzi screaming. Just. YES. What better way of gettin rid of stress than screaming! ^_^

Oh you sneaky, sneaky people. Well, all I can say, you got me. You got me good. This is something I didn't think of, but should have. It's simple to get these shots with certain rigs missing. And it was done seamlessly. Well done, well done. I begrudgingly applaud you. XD

HE'S PATTING HER HEAD AAAAHHHHH *proceeds to ascend to another realm*

They did not... omg they did XD Ah, yes, welcome a new horror oh and by the way here- :3 a cute face

Omg they look so cool- KHAN WTF XD

LOL J THE PRIOR HAZARD WARNING AHAHAHAHAHA

The way she shook his hand trying to snap him back to himself and wake up 😭. And the entire sequence following this... I'm just now slowly starting to process it, oh and great I'm sobbing again. Alright, moving on.

Well, I have some thoughts in this. This is personal thoughts, thus this is where you are more than free to yeet this section into the void that Uzi was dragged into... sorry that was a bad joke- anyways. "Die mad." I feel like this is her way of telling N to not give up. To go out there and FIGHT. But if he can't win, then to die like she is. To die in a way that he will be proud of and to go batsh*t crazy. Because by now, Uzi must know that all of their chances of survival are slim. So you might as well go out with a bang and "die mad."

Something I noticed and was further solidified when @bloodywolfwings also mentioned it. Uzi looks at peace here and very accepting of death. And I say, yes, she very much is. I think this was a way of her asking N for forgiveness. For getting mad at him in the beginning of the episode, for failing to be useful/protecting N, and for fighting against him- despite being possessed. And perhaps even, as an incredibly insane and radical thought, for loving him. This entire episode has put the characters and us through the wringer, and that "sacrifice" was just the cherry on top.

Something I have seen already mentioned once at very least (by @/rebecca-babe) and something that also put me on edge was the ending credits... or the lack of. Of course, all the credits roll, but it's not the usual type. Instead of an upbeat music that is either "Uzi the drone killer" or a theme that was seen in the episode... its SILENCE. Being a musician myself, I love how much love has been put into Murder Drones. The sound effects and the main music are always top-notch. But that ending unsettled me the most. The lack of all noise is something that is terrifying and unsettling in that ending. Almost like all the music and sound left with the "sacrifice" of the main character, Uzi. The entire episode was filled with sounds, silence only being present when something incredibly WRONG was happening - like at the beginning when intern Mitchell re-entered the cathedral. And as much as I love how well executed this entire scene was, I hated it. Because that scene does the job that it was set out to do. Put you on edge, and make you feel like all hope is lost. That this is it. This is the end.

This is the end of my rambles and thoughts that I had while watching ep7. I may have more later on as I keep rewatching this episode for the rest of the week ;w;

Want to hear more of my stupid rambles? This has 3 other parts!

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

As per usual, I was talking to a client this week about autistic cognitive processing and I felt the sand shifting under my feet. So I come here to you Tumblr to do my own autistic cognitive processing in the hopes of better serving myself and my clients.

I have known for a long time that I can't process my thoughts and emotions verbally. This is what sometimes leads to me getting frustrated, "stuck," and increasingly pressurized towards my meltdown threshhold when I'm trying to express a half-formed thought or need. This is why I often choose to process my cognition in writing. It allows me to sift about in the sands of my mind, sliding to and fro, checking and rechecking, until I find what I need.

There is something to the capacity to shape my communication more freely and without the preesure that I put myself under which often leads to stammering, stuttering, aphasia, confusion, and my inability to hold something as ephemeral as language in my head long enough to manipulate it like clay with my hands. Words are not my brain's mother tongue in the first place, and it can be a welcome relief to truly take the slowed pace I need to translate my thoughts into a language others will understand.

Some others. I am well aware of who I learned my translation process from and of how that has made my translations inaccessible to some of the very people who share my brain.

The thing is, to learn to speak at all when your brain processes this slowly takes enormous effort. To learn to CHANGE your speech is back breaking. I have been trying for fifteen years.

Autistic cognitive processing pace and the disabling ramifications aren't things we talk about often. It's one reason some of us become obsessed with having back up plan upon back up plan (because we literally cannot think fast enough to keep up with the demands of our lives). It's one of the fastest paths to burnouts and meltdowns. It's part of why we are unable to keep up with the demands of social interactions, especially in large groups (too many social cues moving too quickly to be processed at pace and we drop the ball in the moment even if we realize later).

Because the pace of our cognition is chronically slowed, we are chronically disabled socially, emotionally, cognitively, etc, and we are forced to spend an incredible amount of mental and physical energy either compensating for that, recovering from it, or both. That is energy and resources neurotypical people get to spend on other things in their lives, maybe a project or hobby, a relationship, hell, just relaxing.

There can be upsides to it. This slowed cognition seems to be related to how the process of bottom-up analysis functions during cognitive processes in Autistic folks' brains. That bottom-up analysis is a really interesting cognitive processing style that seems to be responsible for increased pattern recognition! So a lot of how we're able to analyze, learn, understand, mimic, etc based on pattern recognition is thanks to this processing style. It helps us take in a holisticly detail oriented view of the things we look at, which can (with support) make us great researchers, investigative journalists, and inventers.

But while the upsides have become more discussed as we've become more willing to see Autism itself as neutral (a very good thing in my opinion), we sometimes forget the other side of the coin.

I often find myself trying to brute force my way through my processing pace. It always ends badly. And that's really the trouble. I can talk most of the time, but I can talk A LOT faster than I can process my thoughts. So most of the time my words are just. Garbage. Sounds. If you ask my to speak to you, you are asking me to fill up soundwaves because realistically my brain moves at about 25% of the speed of the conversation.

It's why as a clinician I have to be so incredibly careful what I do and say and how I hear my clients because I *truly* am processing what the tell me at auch a significant delay. It can sometimes be days later when the information truly settles into place.

The same is obviously true in my personal life! It can take me days or even weeks to figure out what a single thought or feeling means in the context of my own life because I have to process that often entirely alone or just on paper. Not because no on one WOULD help me I have people in my life who would be willing but because by the time talking to someone would be any help, I would have basically figured it out enough to just say it out loud and I don't really need their help by then. There are rare exceptions to this when I do definitely seek help but it can be so frustrating to be trapped, voiceless, in your own emotions.

I don't have a framework for this, only the suggestion to embrace the slowness. I have found that when you are not constantly fighting against it all the time, it feels a little more like home, a little more like it's working FOR your instead of AGAINST you.

[pillsandumbrellas]

Could you extend on the fat/water for fuel thing you said while fasting please?? Also, some tips? Like you've done this for such a long time it's so impressive

I'm not 100% sure what you're referring to. I'm assuming you're asking about what your body requires to function while still fasting. I'll go into a lot of detail regarding this since I feel like it's important. First of all I'd like to preface this by stating that everyone is different. Some people have deficiencies or immune issues or blood pressure.. the list goes on issues. Before even considering a fast, know your body and it's requirements. I would hate for someone to read anything I write and take my word for it and do something that harms them. I couldn't live that, so please do your research. Regarding what your body needs; if you're already a very thin person, don't fast. You have to understand that when you're eating, your body is burning calories for fuel. When you're not eating, it switches to burning fat. This is ketosis. A lot of the goal of a ketogenic diet is to switch the body over to burning fat for fuel. This is the biggest reason for why people have a really goddamn hard time the first few days of fasting or even starting keto. What people refer to as "keto-flu." It's your body protesting against your switching over to burning fat, when burning calories is so much easier and it's instant energy. Burning fat is a lot more work. So, if you're already thin, your body won't have much fat to burn through. What your body will do instead if burn through muscle and organ tissue. You REALLY do not want that. Bear in mind that even if you have fat deposits, muscle loss is likely to occur anyway, as your body may burn through muscle it thinks you don't necessarily have use for. If you go past a 36h fast, autophagy also begins to occur where your body starts to heal itself. I personally love this and have healed my acne scars through this. I had really bad acne scars and now I have maybe a couple I can see if I look reaaally closely. Putting that aside. You need hydration A LOT of water, and you need fasting minerals (electrolytes). These are mainly sodium, magnesium, and potassium. Now I personally just make snake juice at home, because I like control over what I put inside myself. Water=2L | Potassium chloride =1 tsp | Sodium chloride = 1/2 tsp | Sodium Bicarbonate = 1 tsp Magnesium Sulphate = 1/2 tsp Now it's up to a person to know how long they can fast and how long they should fast, however if you're planning an extended fast. I cannot stress enough to get a general check-up, get professional help during your fast if you can, and monitor your blood pressure and blood sugar levels. Some things I experienced through my many fasts has been throwing up by the way. Usually around day 7-14. I was able to fix this with a mixture of a table spoon of apple cider vinegar and pickle juice. I couldn't drink snake juice anymore, because it was too concentrated it made me feel ill. However the pickle juice had enough minerals to keep me satiated without being overwhelming and the apple cider vinegar balanced me out. No these do not break the fast. This is medically proven to aid with fasting, I didn't just come up with this btw. Also you may find yourself bloated with water as you lose weight and your body decides that it wants to fill the fat you lost with water. Potassium supplements can help with this. Just be careful with your dosage. Little goes a long way. You will pee A LOT. This is normal. You'll pee a lot in the beginning of your fast, as you drop water weight, especially when you got to bed. It slows down towards the middle when your body starts packing on the water. Potassium makes you start the hose again though. Anyway I hope this helps some people, gives some insight. Be careful. Take care of your bodies. Don't be stupid. I can do stupid things, but I try to be a self-aware and well informed idiot. That way I don't have anyone but myself to blame, because I know better.

[andro-studiesmed]

JOURNAL ENTRY - JULY 1, 2024

I have my send up exams starting from tomorrow on the 2nd of July. It's just this very moment I've realised that July started just a few minutes ago. Time is passing rather quickly and much more quicker than I can even comprehend it passing.

I haven't prepared for these exams at all. It's not me exaggerating out of lack of self esteem or self confidence. There are no excuses but there are plenty explanations as to why.

I momentarily lost to my demons. I don't know if calling the defeating voices even demons is right because I don't really mind them. They aren't Villains to me. Just companions. Companions capable of convincing me to self sabotage pretty well.

I gave up fighting for a while. I wasn't eating or sleeping let alone studying. Something in me just couldn't, it didn't even matter that I had wanted to. I just couldn't.

So during those days— I skipped dinner, lunch and breakfast. I slept at 4-6 am. I survived on eating snacks once a day and it didn't even matter because I didn't have any appetite at all.

I still don't have an appetite.

Then I came across a post here that talked about having to start from the scratch— eating was one of those things. I'd forgotten that for me to sometimes become functional — I need to always start from scratch.

So I made sure I was eating atleast no matter what. Then it went to sleep— and I made myself sleep before 2 am atleast. Then it went to hygiene— brushing teeth, bathing. Then to studying and getting other things done.

I haven't been able to study without a show running in the background. So today I allowed myself to body double by letting a serial run in the background. That helped me study through most of the day. I was extremely slow but I studied.

The guilt always remains because I see others who don't need all this. They study the "proper" way. My voices make me guilty when I don't study like the "normal" people. My mind tends to resist everything.

No one realises that the things that people don't even think before getting done are the very same things that are tasks for me.

People around me don't know I struggle like this, neither does my family because I know they won't understand, they can't help me and that would make everything feel so much worse. You know there comes a point when you get tired— of having to explain and still not feeling like you are being heard, understood or seen. Thats what it feels like and I feel like a burden. My problems are my own to solve. I cannot, will not burden someone with this.

But I know this isn't depression— I don't feel sadness. I feel sad at the fact that I can't function the way normal people rather than being not able to function because I'm sad. I felt scattered.

So, for the days I couldn't functional — I couldn't prepare. So I fear I might fail all my exams. I don't know.

Cheers to breaking down and getting back up again.

[goodpointsandbadpoints]

public journal entry, basically:

my current school session ends on the 3rd and then I will have a break for a little over a month. I am VERY EXCITED, and the next two weeks cannot pass quickly enough!

I'm not sure why the last two-ish months have been so off for me compared to before. It's not like things have been very stressful or fast-paced. Besides upcoming moving plans, the routines are all the same as they have been for the past year. (Ok, I admit that the idea of moving is probably impacting me more than I'm acknowledging. I just really don't want it to bother me, since I'm looking forward to it in many ways.)

My brain is just doing so much all the time. It has always been this way. I remember feeling completely overwhelmed by it in middle and high school, and thinking I'd rather just... not go on than go the rest of my life with this kind of brain. The constant analysis and assessment for threats, comparing myself to my environment and people around me, and then trying to get myself to do everything I need to do is a lot. It feels like it's constantly trying to eat itself. Everything feels better when I'm immersed in humor or a video or a story or a friendship, because the prickling and eroding thoughts are lost in the background.

Having work to do helps, only if the work keeps me from hyper-analyzing (and if it helps me feel less like a small, too-slow, odd creature). So sometimes my job functions very well at giving me a purpose, and sometimes it is just more fuel for implosion. Fingers crossed for the future.

[sunsafewriting]

Hey :). I was hoping that maybe you would have some nuggets of wisdom regarding story pacing and plot. Everything you published on ao3 is so well paced and worded in such a way that the reader can vividly picture every scene. Sooo.. question: how do you plan out the plot of a story? And when you don't necessarily have a plot, how do you make sure that the scenes you want to write are well-connected/paced within the bigger narrative?

Anyways, I hope you have a great day. And answer or not, I will keep enjoying your work just the same.

hey mate! thanks for thinking of me but you have actually come to a terrible place for pacing advice bc that is definitely the part of writing that i struggle with most lol . but i shall tell you how I cope and hopefully some of that helps you (?)

basically I cannot plan to save my life. fic or original writing --- if I set out to outline, I come up with bad ideas and stress myself out of even starting. all the stories I plan are MUCH worse than the ones I don't. for some writers planning works great and if that's you that's awesome!!! but I am doomed to walk another path

what I do instead of planning a story is think about what I (me, personally, bc I write fic from a place of indulgence) WANT out of it. like, what's the stuff I wanna see? to me, the essential aspect of pacing is making that stuff feel important and worth it and earned. it has to have emotional weight or it won't be what I'm after .

that's also how I try to make scenes are connected; they're all focused around a general Vibe or Feeling I want to construct.

for example, in Do A Flip, what I wanted was all of them getting to become a family. and so I worked backwards from that --- what are the steps within steps within steps that lead them there? what little aspects can we put together to create that kind of image?

for pacing it's also handy sometimes to ask what the best bit about NOT being where you're aiming for yet is. like, what is worth lingering on and enjoying that isn't the end goal? what fun thing can you only have at THIS moment of the story, rather than later? it makes each part more fun to write .

I started with a much shorter version of the fic (14k) where I wrote a shoddy draft of the whole thing from Diego's pov, and then I went back and added a ton more pieces.

that's also something I use to help myself out (and because personally I love to write this way) --- I write in pieces.

this improves my pacing, because then I'm not having to constantly consider the whole structure. instead, I'm thinking about what the point of an individual fragment is --- what am I showing in this scene, and what does it mean? often it's just something small (like I want to show that Beatrice is comfortable with Ava holding her hand, or that Lilith tries to be friendly to Diego) but I function much better with a hundred bite sized pieces than a massive whole.

in these piece-style stories, I rely on the reader drawing connections between different parts and inferring rather than a smooth flow. it's just something I enjoy as a narrative form --- I like gaps and spaces where you figure bits out yourself.

I also rearrange a ton. scenes get cut and pasted to be in a new spot all the time bc I realise as I go that they could be tweaked and fit better somewhere else. when I'm writing, I also often just leave a break and write SCENE, and then jump on to the next one --- like I don't know how I'm going to fill it in yet, but I know I need something to separate out two more similar bits, or a different POV, or to slow down before X Event happens. half the time I have no idea where a chapter is going until the first version is almost done.

the other thing about pacing for me is that devastatingly I rely heavily on rewriting, editing, and cutting beloved scenes that don't super gel. chapters take SO long to come out bc I rewrite them 2-4 times. a lot of better (and less highly strung) writers don't need to do that much so please don't feel like it's necessary but it's definitely necessary for me bc without it my work would be a total shambles lmao. I also find the promise of rewriting means I'm less likely to freeze up or stare at a blank page because I will go back and improve/tidy up later.

I also think paying attention when you feel pretty meh about something is helpful for pacing. for example, I wrote a 6k version of chapter 3 of Favourable Conditions where a lot more happened, but I didn't like it. I got my girlfriend to read it and she said "the whole first part feels like you're racing to get to the second part, and then it all settles down". and she was totally right --- I had a scene I was excited to get to so I gunned it, but the overall feeling of the chapter suffered as a result. I split the chapter in half and then rewrote the whole first half as a chapter in its own right, and decided to focus on what fun stuff I could do there, rather than just skipping through to get to the rest. I ended up adding scenes that were the ones people in the comments liked most. I also ultimately decided to change the next few plot beats afterwards, based on how that went.

I would also say that generally speaking, not a lot happens in my stories. like, I go for smaller stakes and smaller actions that slowly add up --- mostly bc I'm writing very chilled out stuff. but if you're trying to build a character to the point of doing something drastic, it's a different ballgame to escalating them to some minor change. both are super doable, you've just got to keep in mind what you're aiming for. I like minor stakes because I enjoy trying to make small things like washing dishes or going to the park matter. it's also just the vibe of where I'm at right now --- previously I've written things that were a LOT more dramatic.

if you're really struggling, I would also suggest starting with writing something short. your blog is blank so I couldn't tell what kind of writing you might be interested in, but it's much easier to tweak and change and judge these things if you're working in a smaller area --- like a 2-4k oneshot --- than if you sit down to write 80k. I literally never sit down to write 80k of fic I just accidentally end up doing it lmao.

I hope some of that is vaguely useful? I don't have a lot of wisdom to dispense bc as you can see most of my process is crutches for getting around having no natural sense of pacing. if you have any more specific questions about pacing a particular scene or idea I might be able to help more?

but good luck! 💛

[theomnicode]

Heavy Weight Champions

(Impromptu Saigenos fluffy, hurt/comfort and angsty fic that came to mind) (webcomic spoilers at the very end and minor character death warning, you'll prolly know who im talking about and you'll either love me or hate me for this)

-*-

"SENSEI! YOU'RE SAFE!"

"Huh-?" Genos crashes to Saitama like a train and they go down with a loud thwump and a gasp from Saitama. Saitama realizes his heavy cyborg disciple is laying on top of him and clinging to his neck.

"Genos, what are you doing?"

Genos to his embarrassment, realizes he basically straddling Saitama and quickly extricates himself from the hug and apologizes profusely for getting carried away.

Saitama sighs. "Look Genos, you can hug me but I can't catch you when you come at me like that."

"Like?"

"Too fast, you need to slow down."

"Right, sensei!"

Saitama grins and ruffles Genos' hair affectionately. Genos freezes for a moment and then pouts and tries to smooth his synthetic hair back down. Saitama snorts.

-*-

"Sensei!"

"Hm?"

This time Genos slows down before reaching Saitama and Saitama opens his arms on instinct and catches the affectionate cyborg. His bag of groceries slips from his hands however and falls down with a thump.

"AH, shit-"

Saitama turns his attention away from the cyborg on his arms and opens his bag of groceries.

"Phew, the eggs didn't break."

"Sorry sensei, I didn't think..."

"None of that, I just had my hands full."

"You don't need to apologize if you want to hug me. You can just ask."

-*-

"Sensei."

Saitama looks up from the manga he's reading on the floor, leaning against a pile of futons.

"Yea? What is it Genos?"

Genos looks like he wants to say something, but remains indecisive.

Saitama looks at Genos inquisitively, then he puts down his manga and opens up his arms wide and invitingly.

Genos upon seeing this, lights up like a christmas tree and restrains himself to a more sedate pace and drops down into Saitama's waiting arms, hugging him tightly.

"Gah, too tight Genos! I'm feeling like I'm being crushed."

Genos loosens his grip. "Is that better sensei?"

Saitama smiles. "A lot better."

Saitama's hand roams around Genos' back in a comforting manner and he pets his head and smooths down his hair, holding the cyborg close.

"What brought this on? Are you alright Genos?"

Genos remains quiet for a while.

"A monster had come out of nowhere and attacked a school and demolished it. We were lucky we avoided any civilian casualties."

"How strong was it?"

"Not very strong, I eliminated it swiftly."

Saitama continues to rub Genos' backside, even if Genos cannot properly feel it through his cybernetics.

"Good job, Genos."

"I'm glad you're safe too."

-*-

Genos watches dispassionately as a farm burns in front of his eyes. He has to wait for the firetruck to arrive since he has no functionality to put out the fire on his own. He had made sure there were no civilians left inside, but that was all he could do.

Something long-forgotten stirs inside his mind as he watches the flames lick the roof of the farm house and consume it.

Genos gets pulled out of his reverie by the sound of a sniffle. He turns and sees a black haired child openly cry and it pulls at his heartstrings. Why was the kid alone? He couldn't be much older than 6-years old.

"Hey kid, where are your parents?" He barely represses a tinge of fury from his voice. This child did not deserve his wrath.

The small child sniffles and tries to stop the flow of tears with his fists.

"I dunno -hic-, they told me to -hic- run and went to save our cattle and -sniff- I haven't seen them since."

Genos stares.

Then he crouches low and opens up his arms invitingly.

Upon seeing this, the kid immediately springs and crashes to him and weeps openly to his chest.

Genos holds him close and comfortingly rubs his back and the back of his sooty, messy hair.

He suddenly remembers a distant memory of getting picked up by Doctor Kuseno after the aftermath of the Mad cyborg's attack.

Wanting to be comforted like this. When he silently wept. And grieved at his parents graves. And kept on shedding tears.

Alone.

And the feelings of overwhelming guilt of running away consuming him.

Finally, coming to an understanding, that it was never his fault.

Like a dam, oily tears burst forth and run down in rivulets, marring his doll-like face with black stripes.

He openly cries with the child in his arms and takes solace in the fact that the child is safe now. In his arms.

"Don't worry, we'll find them soon."

"You're safe now."

After he and the kid take their time calming down, he gently extricates himself

"What is your name? So we can find your parents. The fire department is here at any moment."

"I shouldn't tell it to strangers..." the little black haired kid mumbles and sniffles. He looks at Genos' gentle visage and relents.

"It's Saitama."

Genos' eyebrows almost shoot to his hairline, but he impressively does not let the shock show on his face. He keeps the tone of his voice even.

Saitama looks at him suspiciously. "Something wrong?"

"Nothing, you just reminded me of someone I know."

He picks up Saitama who clamours into a hug and grapples his tiny arms around his neck for support.

"Who are you mister?"

"Nobody important, just a hero who happened to pass by. You're being really brave, Saitama."

Genos can feel the child's grip tighten and Genos faces him away from the burning house. They stand and wait in silence.

-*-

The firetruck finally arrives and begins to put out the fire in the farm.

Saitama suddenly grins and looks up to Genos' face.

"I wanna be bald hero like you when I grow up! You're kinda weird but you're so cool and pretty like mom!"

Genos is caught off-guard. "Bald?"

He absently touches his own scalp and notices a distinct lack of synthetic hair, like a bald spot. That must've happened from the fight he had earlier.

He's ready to give intricate explanation about the difference between being actually bald and a bald spot and synthetic hair being attached to titanium alloy instead of any actual skin to this kid, but restrains himself. No way a kid his age could follow or understand all that technical jargon.

Fire department finally collects the kid from his arms, but Saitama looks at him with pleading eyes.

"Will I see you again mister?"

Genos smiles.

"Absolutely."

Small Saitama waves his hand over-enthusiastically and shouts "bye bye!" and Genos waves his hand back in a goodbye.

Genos watches the fire department leave, feeling like a large weight had finally been lifted from his soul.

'There is a proper time and place for every action.'

'Right, sensei?'

-*-

Saitama turns around to face Genos, after hearing Kuseno's plea to take care of him in his stead, while gently holding the dying doctor in his arms.

Genos needs no prompting and hugs his father figure one last time, oily tears cascading down his face, telling him how much he loves him.

But this time, the overwhelming feeling of guilt does not consume him. There is only overwhelming sorrow and pain.

He holds Kuseno's hand as he passes away. Saitama watches him weep, tears rolling down his own face.

"I'm so sorry Genos...if I had been awake, I could've-"

"None of that, sensei," Genos interrupts firmly.

Genos looks up into Saitama's soulful brown eyes beseechingly.

"It's not your fault. None of this is your fault."

Saitama's face twists into a pained grimace and more tears run down his face. Genos gently guides Saitama to sit down in seiza, taking care Kuseno's body is not jostled and hugs them both. Saitama curls into himself and wails mournfully and painfully.

Finally letting himself go, Saitama grieves for the loss of lives and the heavy weight burdening his soul is lifted and feeling rejuvenated, like he's born anew.

From heavy lifter to heavy weight champion.

The monstrous guilt gripping his heart is no more.

-*-

Well that's a lot longer than I expected. Very impromptu fic I wrote pretty raw just now after I got an idea as I woke up, so it's not very prose or descriptive. No beta we die like men.

(Yes the implication is that Genos had traveled back in time.)

(I'm sorry I killed Kuseno again don't hate me)

[coldunderthesheets]

DAY #3

So, I'm supposed to be writing my French vocab now, but, uh, I'm distracted. Besides, it's really boring. And I haven't written day #3 yet, so I thought I'd do that now. The book for Dutch is, uh, a long read. I read 10 pages today at school but ugh. I mean, it's intriguing. Kinda. I'm at page 392 and it's finally getting a tiny bit interesting. I usually enjoy reading. But not this book. The letter type is like the smallest ever and it's a roman, and it's the first roman I've ever read, I think, and it's just so slow. Like it's the same routine over and over and over and ugh. Now, a bit about today. Today was not fun. The first period was fun. Biology. Plant cells and organelles and functions of those organelles and I got to draw and mark and that was fun. After that, I had R.E. I literally cannot remember anything from that. And the hell broke loose. (not religious, just like the expression :) I had this little presentation for French. I apparently needed to summarize an article about a stereotype but I kinda improved and trust me on this, my French is absolutely terrible, so the point is, it went bad. Really bad. I've got a 4/10 which is REALLY bad. Oh well. That's that. What's done is done.

After that I had English and I just- UGH. I just couldn't with that teacher. We had this like, listening test and this guy was yappin' about the dangers of AI and then the other was saying that AI also has a good side to it and that it'll be in our lives no matter what since it's already so evolved and stuff and I just couldn't. (I had a 5/10, which is really disappointing cus I had a streak of great tests for English) After the lunch break we had Math and I just, I won't even elaborate on how stupid and boring that was. Logarithms. A literal nightmare. Anyway, after that, I had a really insignificant class and then I had French. Again. Monday is personally a really bad day because I've got Math and two periods of French.

I caught up with a few friends of mine who are a year above me. Just talked and joked around during lunch break. That was new for me. I usually always eat at home or at a friend's. I don't like trying new stuff but... it was alright, I guess.

Songs. Yes. Uhm. And I Love Her by Kurt Cobain. It's actually from the Beatles but Cobain made a cover of it. I actually can't stand Nirvana's music but this one's quiet and nice. Which reminds me of that time my friend was whistling this song and I recognized it but I couldn't remember the song's name and I got so annoyed. (It was Frank Sinatra's Somethin' Stupid. It's a kind of duet with Nancy Sinatra. It was stuck in my mind for the longest time)

Peace And Live On The Planet Earth from Steven's universe is a blast too. Anyway. Wanted to mention that I'm going to a museum tomorrow for philosophy. Not really that excited about it but yeah :) Also, dammit this post is long. Didn't mean it to be so long, sorry :)

(Also: I'm a bit desperate for friends?)

[thessalian]

Thess vs Server Issues

Not anything on my personal end, by the way. My internet is just fine, thankyouverymuch. It's my fucking workplace that's making me want to scream at this point.

The doctors have been coming in over the weekend again, but we're not in the truly horrific numbers yet, so that's okay, right? Except, no, it's really not, because while I would personally have loved to just get stuck in and started clearing shit, even the easiest stuff was a slog. Why? Because something was very, very wrong with the transcription software and our online patient records system, which has to mean that something was going on with the servers.

What was the very, very wrong, I hear you ask? Well.

You'd have to click on the bit of dictation you wanted to type four or five times in order to get it to actually open.

Doing anything complicated like fast-forwarding or rewinding wound up with the system hanging and then deciding it was going right back to the start of the dictation. Or the end of it, sometimes.

On a few occasions, it refused to recognise any input from the foot pedal, which meant that it wouldn't play when I wanted it to or wouldn't stop when I needed it to, which when you combine it with the above issues made everything a massive pain in the arse.

The patient records set-up was slow as fuck to load, and indeed to register any kind of input, which meant that the auto-fill Snippets function that makes my job bearable was slow and obnoxious.

I gave up double-checking the doctor's dictating the request forms against the actual request forms because it took each page of document a minute to load, and downloading it for reference took just as long.

I tried everything I could think of. Tried logging off and logging on again, and the patient record system took five minutes to even let me at the login page, with no appreciable improvement when I finally got into the damn system. My numbers for the day were a mess. And no, I didn't report it, because it was only mildly annoying for parts of the day and I figured it'd calm the fuck down, and by the time it got to "infuriating", Scruffman's day was coming to an end and I figured it had to stop at some point, right? Nope. Just got worse.

If it's like that tomorrow, I swear I'm gonna pop a blood vessel. I'm already in a woeful state after the stress and frustration of beating the stupid thing into submission. Well ... no. If it's like that tomorrow, I'm going to email Scruffman and ask if he can tell me what the fuck is up with the servers. Because this? This is bullshit, this is.

Ugh. My week off can't come soon enough. Though I note that one of the staffers moved her week off "to ensure cover" - I think we have more doctors than usual on reporting right now, see. I swear, if Scruffman asks me to delay my week off and I will tell him that is not possible. For health reasons, if nothing else. The weather's too hot, I'm in dire need of a break, and I cannot delay that break any longer without it being significantly detrimental to me.

...You know, I'm flashing back to that team meeting we had the other month, and how there was mention made of getting more typists in. There has to be a way to ask about that without being a pain in the butt. But this? We can't keep on like this.

[buzzerbeaterbin]

POST WINTER BREAK WE HAVE BREATHED WE HAVE RESTED WE ARE READY FOR 2024

I GUESS I'M SLOW BUT SLOW AND STEADY STILL WINS SO I'M TRYING NOT TO BEAT MYSELF UP OVER IT

SLOW IN THE SENSE OF NOT ONLY AS A STUDENT OF MEDICINE BUT ALSO A STUDENT OF #LIFE LMFAO

HERE ARE MY TIME SAVING, JOY SPARKING WELLNESS LESSONS/REMINDERS FOR MYSELF AT THIS TIME THAT I WANTED TO SHARE WITH EVERYONE:

I cannot express how LAUGHABLE of a venture it was to expect myself to ever reasonably keep up with essentially a 6 days/week workout routine in the midst of the biggest life transition I'm experiencing thus far. This semester we are focusing on fitting in a 1 hour session only 2-3x/week, that hits both strength training AND cardio - the name of the game is efficiency!!! Aerobic, weight-bearing, heart-rate elevating, fat-burning, full body, FUNCTIONAL, ATHLETIC. I'm accepting that certain other goals (e.g. flexibility) will have to take a backseat for the time being. It's looking like a lot of HIIT, double compounds (e.g. squat to shoulder press), minimal equipment ->

I'm done with waiting in lines for popular machines!!! WHO HAS THE TIME!!! I've also learned the value of simplifying your needs as much as possible the so that your ability to stay consistent with your workouts is not limited to exclusive, fancy equipment that ties you down to a particular studio/gym e.g. kind of a meme but I got so used to the hip thrust machine at my giant suburban gym just to basically never see it again. I PRAY for the day I am able to rely on body weight calisthenics alone, but until then, there's so much magic in a bare-bones bench + dumbbells gym, and almost everywhere you go will have that

on that note, a lot of solidcore moves can be done with sliding discs, youre welcome

for the first time in an extremely long time, one of my primary goals this time around is actually weight loss - there's a whole lot more I can say about this but for now, one of the primary reasons is the fact that I will be in Korea for the first time ever this summer ifykyk lol. but starvation is never the means nor the ends, especially given how much GLUCOSE my brain requires during these long days. I'm approaching this as a fun challenge to see how I can be the most efficient (time and money) with my fuel

-----------

SUBPOST!!! HOW TO MAKE SALADS LESS OF A CHORE THANK ME LATER

->BUY A LARGE PLASTIC BOWL WITH A LID!! EZ TO CLEAN EZ TO SHAKE/MIX EZ TO CLEAN BC LIGHTWEIGHT

->ROMAINE (CRUNCH + FLAVORLESS) + KALE (SOFT + EARTHY) IS THE BEST LEAST BORING GREENS COMBO THATLL DELAY TEXTURAL DISINTEREST

->TRY NOODLES AS UR CARB INSTEAD OF QUINOA OR RICE BC COLD NOODLES > COLD OTHERS

->USE LITERALLY JUST ACID (LEMON OR LIME JUICE) AS UR DRESSING AND ADD HERBS/SEASONINGS/NUT BUTTERS (THINNED OUT) SEPARATELY DIRECTLY INTO THE BOWL!!!! IT ADDS THE DEPTH OF FLAVOR BUT FEELS LESS HEAVY AND ALSO LESS DISHES BC U DONT NEED TO FKN MIX UR DRESSING IN A SEPARATE CONTAINER AND IT GET IT ALL GREASY FROM OILS AND ALWAYS HAVE LEFT OVER AND NEVER USE THE LEFTOVER ASFDIAHSDFLKH

-> VIDALIA CHOP WIZARD/-ESQUE TOOLS

GL I HOPE U ARE ABLE TO EAT MORE VEGGIES THIS YEAR!!!!!

--------

snack hunt saga:

the biggest revelation = The Only Bean Edamame Beans, they have a 11g protein :110cal ratio (same ratio as those pure protein bars) and go down wayyy better bc it's real food and not processed powder (I'm still learning to tolerate protein powder). They come individually packed too so SO good for on the go!!!!

I've been liking TJ's flavored cashews too - not the best macro profile (like all nuts) but are so easy to pack for a study session and don't go bad quickly

MEDJOOL DATES every once in a while i remember again that nuggets of heaven exist and are so filling so quickly

[ofdarkestdesires]

Recently, my computer has been running, really, slow. Like, really fucking slow. As I'm typing this out, I am typing out a full sentence ahead of what is popping up on the screen. Along with that, the hinges for the laptop are busted, so if I try to close it up and carry it somewhere else, it tries to break even more, and a bunch of the keys just do not respond unless you smash down on them like you're playing whack-a-mole, and it's just so annoying that I really cannot even deal anymore, and I think it's high time to trade in for something new.

And that thought of trading into something new has once more brought to mind a fact that's been rattling around in the back of my head for a while now but I just haven't wanted to admit--I don't like my tumblr.

That's not to say I hate tumblr, or I hate interacting with people on tumblr--far from it in fact! It's just that this blog has been around for five years now--a good solid five years now. It started as my secondary blog for nsfw interactions so that people who knew me irl didn't see any of the awful degenerate things I post here. For the most part, it's functioned as that, too. But it's also been a breeding ground for bots, been shadowbanned and killed on multiple occasions (technically speaking this is actually the fourth ofdarkestdesires), and after a while of that...I don't know.

I think I'm ready for something new.

I'm not going to delete this blog--there's too much good stuff here for all you horrible degenerates like me to enjoy--but I think I need to move house, get a new set-up, do some reorganizing, and figure out where I want to go from here. Because as much as I love writing smut, there's more to me than just that--and I really don't feel like I can explore that properly on this blog anymore.

So, I think I need a fresh start.

[luna-rainbow]

Bucky's ECT

Hello, I'm here to ruin your day. Stop reading if your heart is not in the mood for Bucky angst.

I decided to read up on ECT (electroconvulsive therapy) because... meta things.

(Before I start, there is good evidence for ECT in the conditions it is prescribed for, so please...this post is about Hydra being barbaric, not ECT itself)

1) I don't know if the film makers actually did their research or just got lucky, but there are 3 common ECT electrode placements, and bitemporal placement (literally as it says - on both temples) is the one most likely to cause cognitive side effects, including retrograde memory loss (memory of events prior to the ECT). This memory loss can go as far as autobiographical memory, which is a combination of all the memory parts I talk about in #2, but also includes self identity. Now in real life this is what you want to avoid with ECT, but in Bucky's case, this is what they want to achieve, so the bitemporal placement is selected for this purpose. Also common is anterograde memory issues but this doesn't seem to come up in Bucky's case so I won't talk more about it.

2) Memory is a complex thing and at close to midnight I'm really not into researching this, but there is explicit memory, which consists of episodic memory (events) and semantic memory (names and things). Then there is implicit memory, consisting of all that cannot be spoken, i.e. procedural (muscle) memory and emotional memory and other reflexive pathways. These are stored in different parts of the brain but communicate tightly with each other. Bucky not recognising Steve's face or knowing his own name - semantic memory; Bucky not remembering his early years with Steve - episodic memory. But Bucky still has all the experience and knowledge to operate a machine gun and fling a knife - procedural memory/reflex pathways. But he definitely also needs explicit memory so maybe they just retrain him each time he becomes operational. There is (some) evidence that you can reduce the amnesiac effects of ECT by reorienting quickly after an ECT session, so maybe by rehashing all the weapon-based knowledge each time, it reinforces specific explicit memories to the point where he doesn't lose them.

3) But let's talk about the implicit memory. Apart from procedural memory, there's also emotional memory. This is why even though Bucky could not put a name to Steve's face, could not recognise his own name, something about Steve's face and voice and physical presence triggers such a strong emotional memory in Bucky that it almost breaks him out of his brain-wipe. (I'm going to stop using brainwashing so people can stop blaming him for his lack of control, thanks Skogland.) That's why when he asks about "the man on the bridge" and Pierce says "you met him earlier this week on another assignment", he couldn't be convinced because the immense emotional response he has just does not match what Pierce is saying.

4) This is where it starts hurting you. The retrograde memory problem can be temporary or permanent, but in most people it gets better with time (i.e. you start to recall what you have forgotten). Now, assuming Bucky's super soldier serum also helps him recover faster, the protocol they use for wiping him will have to be at a much higher dosage and frequency than your usual ECT. When the scientist says "He's been out of cryo-freeze for too long", it's likely that the cryo slows down his healing, i.e. prevent him from regaining his memories too quickly. They use the ECT to wipe, but then they have to re-prep him for missions, so cryo is used to reduce the number of times they have to wipe him.

5) ECT also causes a lot of non-memory cognitive side effects, particularly when used over a long time, at high doses, with high frequency, and with bitemporal placement. All of which, unfortunately, Bucky was submitted to. These effects include: reduced intellect, poor attention, slowed thinking speed, and this wonderful thing we call "executive function". I mean, maybe we can blame the terrible TFATWS writing decisions he makes on this, because that's all your insight, judgement, problem-solving, impulse control, emotional regulation stuff. This also explains why Pierce talks to him almost like to a child, because in this wiped state, he depends on his experience and muscle memory to function. Give him anything more complex or abstract and his mind doesn't have the capacity to deal with it. This also helps them keep him under control.

6) ECT is done under general anaesthetic. It's done with a muscle paralytic (you know, to stop your muscles actually seizing up cos sustained whole body tetany HURTS LIKE HELL and yes that's why you need to get your tetanus shots). If you look closely at the top GIF he had a drip in, but they clearly didn't give him near enough to a) relax muscles b) reduce his level of consciousness or c) reduce pain. Why? I mean it could be that Hydra are all sadistic bastards, but it could also be that there is a need for it. Maybe his super soldier status means that the usual way of working out dose (via EEG) did not work with him, or using anaesthetics made it less effective. Or it could be that they needed him in that post-ictal confusion but awake in order to move onto the next step - the hypnosis with the code words.

7) And just briefly on dosing (because tumblr ate my long paragraph): the aim of ECT is to get to suprathreshold, i.e. at a dose of electrical impulse 1.5-3 times higher than what would be expected to cause a seizure. Now remember this is for treatment, and that we need higher doses to achieve amnesia. And in Bucky's case, with his faster healing and higher resistance, they will need to really dial up the dose and frequency in order to get the effect they need. Ouch.

8) Erm I didn't expect to get this far so let's be brief about hypnotherapy. I haven't had time to look at the evidence (or the method), but there is some out there that it works for pain. Now we talked about what ECT can do for memory - that just makes you vulnerable but doesn't overcome intrinsic personality traits. I suspect how they get the Winter Soldier to operate (and override Bucky's innate goodness) is through hypnosis with the code words, which would be in keeping with what Marvel said about him entering "a trance state". As the Winter Soldier, one of the things that makes him come across as unstoppable is his lack of reaction to what should be painful. I can't find right GIF but immediately after this, he just rolls onto his knees and jumps up even though he should have been hurt and winded.

8) Now because the Winter Soldier operates during a hypnotic trance, this is why Steve can break him out (rather than him breaking out of the effects of ECT which is much longer lasting). What this means is that on the Helicarrier, because Bucky was under both the effects of ECT and hypnosis, when Steve breaks the hypnosis, Bucky emotionally connects with Steve but still has no memory of him. This is why he left Steve and went to the Smithsonian to look at the exhibit, then disappeared for 2 years. He's still in a state of amnesia, which slowly recovers. But when Steve breaks Bucky's hypnosis in CACW, Bucky has not had ECT for some time, so after he wakes up he immediately knows Steve's history.

So there you go, this is the nitty-gritty of how they mind-broke Bucky.

[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Natsume (pt. 18)

Hiya! I'm posting late, on account of my job. Editing these takes about an hour depending on the post and inserting the images takes a little more, but I didn't have a solid block of time to work on it, so I worked on it in pieces and I only just now finished.

This arc highlights Natsume's powerlessness. He's distancing himself from Mikan to protect her, but by doing this, he leaves her defenseless at times. He wants to be there for her but can't because of the corner he's been pushed into, and in his desperation he turns to anonymity.

Chapter Eighty-One

Hotaru, Natsume, and Ruka are running after them, but are caught by Tsubasa, who asks them what their plan is, exactly. Ruka turns to Natsume, who turns to Hotaru, who pretends she was just practicing her running for the Festival and then the boys started following her for no reason. This comic relief is a badly-needed break from all the bullying and blackmail of the arc so far.

This arc is full of fun comic relief, but the main plot is so depressing and frustrating that sometimes the comic relief is not enough.

In any case, all three of them know that the others are all working to take care of Mikan, even if she doesn't know it. They're all looking out for her in their own ways, even Natsume who seems to have publicly turned against her. At least Hotaru and Ruka can see the truth: he's still quite concerned about it, but he's in something of a bind now.

The next we see of Natsume, he’s walking with Tsubasa, being spied on by both Hotaru and Ruka. It’s here that we discover that Tsubasa has been transferred to the DA class, but is keeping this secret from Mikan. Moreover, he and Natsume are on a mission to locate Yuka, and they’re both aware that Mikan is her daughter. It’s interesting to know just how much information the DA class has on the other students that the other kids have no clue about. Hotaru and Ruka are shocked by this information, but for us as readers, it also demonstrates just how much work Natsume--and Tsubasa--are putting into protecting Mikan.

All this information is stuff they have to consider on their missions. They want to protect Yuka, because she’s Mikan’s mother, but they have no choice but to pursue and chase after her with raids and attacks. On top of that, Tsubasa is keeping his new ability class a secret, and Natsume has to hurt her with this Luna farce. It’s a lot to put on two kids, not that the ESP or Persona have much issue putting pressure on kids.

For Natsume in particular, it was fun while it lasted, being close to Mikan. He had relished and enjoyed it, and now he has to change pace. He’s willing to, because that’s how he can keep her smiling and having fun, even if he’s not on her team and can’t even be in her inner circle anymore. He’s willing to sacrifice anything for her, but we can see that it’s not any fun for him. Mikan is suffering in sadness, yes, but so is Natsume.

The next thing he has to do only makes things worse.

He confronts Mikan about the rumor Luna made up, about Mikan showing her underwear to the Fuukitai to avoid punishment. It’s obviously bogus: Mikan would never even think to do that, let alone actually do it. He knows that too, because Natsume knows her very well. He asks because he has to.

Mikan avoids answering, brushing it off as none of Natsume’s business, because she is also under Luna’s watchful gaze. So they end up having an argument in front of everyone, both not saying what they really mean, and instead doing as Luna commands, to keep everyone safe. Mikan points out that she isn’t his partner--or anything--anymore, so he should mind his business. Natsume then asks if that means his concern is a bother, and she confirms: yes. It’s a big fat pain.

It's heartbreaking and frustrating in equal spades.

It’s almost as if Natsume was testing something. Now he knows that Luna must have threatened Mikan in the storeroom. Something sinister happened there, and now Mikan is different, dishonest, mean. That’s not what she’s actually like, and now he’s concerned. Luna’s shadow is spreading and it’s threatening to encroach on Mikan’s light.

Chapter Eighty-Two

Natsume walks off, having heard all he needs to hear.

Luna is causing mayhem and strife to punish Mikan and Natsume specifically for their misbehavior on New Year’s. She wants Mikan to be isolated from Natsume in particular because he’s her number one protector. If there’s a wedge between them, Mikan is easier to target. After all, Mikan’s purpose at the academy is to lure in Yuka, and the more danger she is in, the more likely Yuka is to try and save her daughter. If Natsume is around, threatening Mikan becomes tricky. He’d never allow anything bad to happen to her, hence his desperation and sacrifice in this arc. In order to fulfill their goals regarding Yuka, they need Natsume out of Mikan’s picture.

Of course, despite Natsume’s secret intel being superior to Ruka or Hotaru’s (and definitely to Mikan’s), he’s still not entirely in the know. Yuka being the main target, for example, is information Natsume is not privy to, and couldn’t even imagine. This is a game Natsume is unaware that he cannot win. If he doesn’t distance himself from Mikan, she’ll be threatened, but if he does, she’ll be threatened. In reality, there's no way he can win this round.

Chapter Eighty-Three

Anyway, the Sports Fest doesn’t slow down for the kids’ drama. The athletic meets have begun, and now there is a relay race.

Ruka and Natsume are on different teams for the relay, and this has inspired Ruka to beat his best friend, so he can be number one in Mikan’s eyes for once.

I will talk way more about the “love triangle” aspect of NatsuMikan and the question of choice, autonomy, and agency in Mikan’s essay, because when it comes to Natsume's side of things, he's very much resigned to losing every romantic game, every relay race, every competition. It's no contest. He's not competing. He's withdrawn from the race, now more than ever. He will not participate. He is destined to lose, after all, so why even bother?

And so Ruka wins the actual relay, and Natsume watches as everyone has fun without him, something that he’s been accustomed to before. It hurts more now, undoubtedly, because for a time, he was actually a part of the group. Knowing what it feels like to fit in and have fun with everyone makes it even worse when it’s gone again. He used to separate himself from the rest and suffer all on his own, but now he’s returned to that state.

He hasn’t quite let go, either. His effort and commitment to the Sports Fest, despite all the drama with Mikan and Luna, demonstrate just how much he actually wants to participate. It’s not about having his friends around him. He actually likes being able to have fun, and be allowed to take part in an event with everyone else, even if he isn’t technically by his friends’ sides.

His bad feelings are only exacerbated by Luna, who shows up to taunt him. He shouldn’t worry about Mikan and Ruka, because they’ll be torn apart eventually. Whatever happiness they find right now is temporary. It won’t last, and Luna will make sure of it.

But Natsume loves both Mikan and Ruka, and that does not reassure him at all. He’s selfless, would rather they be together anyway. In a perfect world, maybe she could pick him, and it makes him sad that the world isn’t perfect and he can’t have what he wants, but he’s always at peace with losing. So he’s not at all comforted by the idea that the happiness his loved ones have found will dissipate in no time.

Chapter Eighty-Four

Luna then giggles, because whether or not Ruka and Mikan’s being split apart will result in Natsume’s happiness is another question entirely. She wants to rub it in that even if Ruka is out of the picture, he can never be with Mikan. Joke’s on her though, because Natsume has already come to terms with this the moment he fell in love with Mikan. He hasn’t been humoring ideas of love confessions and weddings and living happily ever after. It’s outside the realm of possibility, because his circumstances do not allow him much happiness at all.

The future seems bleaker than ever, and knowing that Ruka and Mikan are being kept under watch by the school, Natsume keeps an eye on them too. He’s feeling sad and heart-broken too, of course. He’s not perfect. He can’t erase feelings of jealousy or the ache of unrequited love just because he feels it’s his duty to make peace with them. It hurts, but he’ll carry through. That’s what he’s always done.

But people are gossiping about his presence, putting his position in jeopardy. Luna can’t know he’s still hanging around Mikan, even if Mikan herself is clueless to this. Before he can be discovered, he steals someone’s mask, the mask of a boy named Kusami whose hairstyle looks an awful lot like Natsume’s.

If only he could be allowed to just steal people's identities and not have to face any consequences for it. Alas.

Unfortunately for Natsume, the Borrowing Race is about to begin, and Kusami was arranged to be a participant. He put the mask on to avoid responsibility for his spying, but it’s bit him in the butt now.

Kusami benefits from this, indirectly, since kids who call him moron get the cold shoulder from Natsume, who doesn’t have the same easy-going personality.

It seems nobody actually wants to participate in the Borrowing Race. It’s very personal and vulnerable: you have to borrow a person or item you’d least want to borrow, as dictated on a small piece of paper assigned to you. It’s then judged by some mind-reading alices to test the validity of the borrowed items. The concept of the race functions around embarrassing and humiliating people, so naturally nobody would want to participate.

Natsume has gotten himself into trouble here. He can’t even make a run for it, though he really wants to, because for some reason people are hell-bent on Kusami competing. He’s in the second round, and starts running as he--or Kusami--is supposed to. He gets his paper and although we don’t see what’s written on it quite yet, we can see a focus on Mikan in one of the panels, so we can tell his first thought is to borrow her.

To confess anonymously in front of the whole school or to not confess anonymously in front of the whole school--that is the question.

And then in a few pages, emboldened by the mask he’s wearing, Natsume runs toward Mikan and grabs her wrist. He’s decided he will borrow her, because maybe she’ll never find out his true identity, and he can be selfish just this once. This could be his only chance ever to be honest about how he feels. He's had to lie and hide it for so long that it makes sense he'd take the first opportunity available to go for it. This is quite possibly the most selfish thing he’s done. If he gets caught, he’ll be entirely exposed.

Unlike Ruka, Natsume can't really win this race. He won't be number one in Mikan's eyes, ever. He can't ever tell her it's all for her. The very best he can do is compete with a mask on. Ruka can try his hardest and impress Mikan and Natsume feels he never will. It's not much of a competition when one person cannot and will not compete.

He runs, despite her confusion and obliviousness, or perhaps because of it.

And just as the fireworks displaying his prompt start going off in the sky, he lets her go and walks away resolutely. There. He’s participated.

“The person you love.”

Mikan is chasing after Natsume, but he can’t be caught. Being caught would ruin everything, and would make his selfish act even more selfish. He shoves the mask back into Kusami’s face, and takes off.

You'd think he'd be a bit happier to have finally confessed his feelings but he just looks miserable.

Natsume has been very selfish now. He didn’t have to grab Mikan. He could’ve borrowed anybody and lost. Does it matter if he wins? He’s not Kusami. He could’ve just gotten the race over with and run away, but instead he played along, because he wanted to confess. He’s never been so honest in his life. He wants her to know he loves her, even if she doesn’t know who “he” is. And if he gets caught, then Mikan will know for a fact that Natsume Hyuuga loves her, and everything he’s done so far--hyping up Ruka, distancing himself, being cruel to protect her, allowing Luna to cling to him--will have been for nothing. She’ll know it was all a ruse, and then she’ll be open to all sorts of dangers. But he risks it, because he just can’t hide it anymore. He always has to hide, always has to pretend, always has to sacrifice his own feelings for the sake of others. This time, he’ll say exactly what he means, made all the more easier by the fact that there’s a mask on his face.

He’s done something like this before, particularly when he kissed Mikan on Christmas.

And the Christmas kiss is nothing compared to this: an actual love confession. The kiss was just that, and he had plenty of excuses for why he’d kiss her. It wasn’t because he loved her, no way! It was because she kept saying the other one didn’t count. Or maybe he just wanted to know what it felt like. That’s all. The excuses were just another mask to hide behind.

What excuse could he possibly give for a love confession that a panel of mind-reading judges corroborated? If he’s caught, she will know.

All his tiny instances of selfishness are smaller examples of the same idea: he lets himself be affectionate for once. He can say he prefers her with her hair down, or hug her during the SA class labyrinth, or cuddle with her when he’s having a nightmare, just this one time, and then he’ll give up for good. She won’t notice. It won’t have an effect. It won’t have consequences. He’ll give up for good after; he’ll just do this one selfish thing and then never again. But he can’t give it up, and eventually Christmas happens. He kisses her, unloading so much affection into one action, as if he’s trying to just get it over with. He’ll just get all his love out with one kiss and then he’ll be okay to watch her fall in love with anybody else but him.

But he can’t. He can’t stop doing these little selfish things. He can’t suffocate his love and leave it to die, hidden and smothered like a skeleton in a closet. Despite his every attempt to kill it, to hide it, to pretend like it’s not important, it has only grown stronger. He loves her more and more everyday, and the more he loves her, the harder it is to pretend like he doesn’t care if he never gets what he wants.

He wants to be with her. He wants to kiss her and protect her openly. He wants to sit next to her in class and smile with her. He wants to spend time with her and be on her team for school events. He wants to hold her hand and tell her he loves her.

He doesn’t want to give it all up and wreck his own chances.

The longer he’s loved Mikan, the harder it’s been to be selfless like this. The yearning has only gotten stronger, and now it takes all his power to be cruel to her. What used to come naturally, like being cold and distant and insulting her, has become difficult. What comes naturally to him now is to confess his love or hold her hand or be around her.

Despite the fact that Natsume was the only person who seems to have borrowed the correct person for the race, the White team still loses, on account of him not actually being Kusami.

At the end of the chapter, he sits alone, brooding in a tree.

He hasn’t been caught, so his actions have no consequences for now. He can sit there and mourn what could have been. He can’t be with Mikan, let alone confess his feelings. This was just an excuse to live out a fantasy. He wants to be loud about his feelings, not muffle them. But this is Natsume we’re talking about. He never gets what he wants. And in his opinion, he shouldn’t because Ruka deserves a happy ending way more. And Mikan would never love him back anyway. Ruka would be better for her.

This is just another instance of Natsume promising himself that he’ll do one more selfish thing before he gives up forever. But we know he’s bad at keeping his word, and this is no exception.

Chapter Eighty-Five

Before Mikan can confront Natsume about the borrowing race, Luna steps in, covering for him, claiming she was watching with him from the bleachers during the race. She clings to his arm and drags him off, spurring even more rumors that he and Luna are an item.

She's so violent with him for really no reason.

He tells her to get off, but she reminds him that she’s just done him a favor (though it’s really just a favor to herself). She grabs his hand and holds it tight, and again people get the wrong idea. It’s interesting how such physically painful things come across as romantic to the people around them, who think that Luna is simply holding his hand. Natsume’s persistent look of misery and apathy doesn’t deter people at all from rumors that he’s dating her. After all, Luna is clinging to him with a smile on her face and he’s not doing anything to peel her off, so it must mean they have feelings for each other. Natsume has been so good at hiding his feelings, that nobody--not even the girl he really loves--knows what it looks like when he’s loving and affectionate to somebody. They think he's into Luna, and can't see that what he really needs is help.

Chapter Eighty-Six

Luna has just arranged a terrifying fall for Mikan, knowing she’d use her alice as a knee-jerk reaction to save herself, thus causing others to think she did it for the attention. Mikan could’ve been seriously injured, or worse, and is definitely in trouble now, so Natsume is furious.

He confronts Luna, and the only thing stopping him from hurting her is that he could put Mikan in even more danger by doing so. But Luna is remorseless, giggling that she had no choice but to threaten Mikan. After all, she’s just doing what the principal said they’d do. Mikan should have been put in Persona’s custody in the DA class immediately following the Hana Hime party incident, but Natsume’s sacrifices have allowed her to skate by. Luna is there to observe and punish what she perceives as bad behavior, and anything less than abject misery from Mikan is bad behavior to her.

She warns Natsume: if he really wants to protect Mikan, then he’ll make sure she’s hated. That way, she won’t be in danger.

Powerlessness.

Natsume can’t go around confessing his love to her with a mask on anymore. He needs to sacrifice their relationship entirely in order to keep her safe. And so he does.

He’s sitting on a bench, surrounded by his classmates. Permy is adamantly defending Mikan. These rumors that Mikan fell on purpose for the attention are obviously stemming from Luna, who has the whole class wrapped around her finger. She turns to Natsume, looking for back-up, but Natsume has been told clearly what to do in order to really protect Mikan, and it has nothing to do with standing up for her against these rumors.

Instead, he says that it’s best not to be involved with Mikan anymore. He doesn’t want to see her or hear about her anymore, and he doesn’t want to associate with anyone who associates with her. He tries to give off the impression that he hates her, that he’s disgusted by her.

Then he sees that she’s been there all along, listening.

This is almost like the scene where he tells her he hates everything about her. He’s doing the hard thing to protect her. He’s lying, willing to hurt her, willing to be the villain, if it means she’s in the light and out of the dark.

But this is different.

Mikan could take it before. She yelled back that she hated him too, just as much, and even though that was a lie, it was still something she was able to say. She could argue and fight. This time she crumbles and runs away.

And he’s different too. Before, he could walk away, resolute and determined. Knowing that she’ll be better off this way was enough for him. He didn’t even look back. This time, he can’t leave things like that.

After all, last time was easier. He didn’t think she actually liked him back then. It would really only hurt him. He knows better now. Mikan cares about him, and it doesn’t matter what shape that care takes. It only matters that hearing Natsume call her worthless brings her to tears now, and that’s enough for him to feel way more conflicted.

This time, he apologizes.

He doesn't say he's sorry, but he's saying he's sorry.

He finds Kusami, steals his mask once again, never saying one word to a kid who has been generously keeping his secret for him. He runs after Mikan, and when he finally catches up to her, he hugs her.

Wearing the mask while hugging her is like wearing a raincoat in a hurricane. It won’t change anything or protect him at all. In fact, all he’s doing is giving her confirmation that it’s him, but he doesn’t care.

He doesn’t want her to think he hates her. He can’t stand it anymore. He’s sorry and he didn’t mean it.

He hugs her and this is different from his selfish hugs during the RPG or when he was having a nightmare. Those were little stolen moments for him to remember. He could take them from Mikan and cherish them as precious memories, even if she never thought of them again. This one is different. This one is for her, to comfort her, to apologize.

It’s all the things he can’t say. I didn’t mean it. Sorry. I have to do this. I really do care about you, I promise. It’s not real. Luna’s making me do this.

But before she can turn around to look at him, he leaves again.

He knows, because of Luna’s warning, that Mikan’s life will only get harder. He wants to help her, but by helping her, he’s placing himself further from her, making it harder for him to protect her in the future. If he’s distant from her to keep Luna at bay, then he’s not around to protect her from Luna in the storeroom, or during the cheerleading competition.

It’s what one might call a Catch-22. No matter what he chooses, he loses. And the worst part is that so does Mikan.

Conclusion

Natsume isn't an active participant in the last few chapters of this arc, so this is how I'll wrap the meta here. In the next arc there will be much to say about him. The Sports Fest went deep into Natsume's love for Mikan. It's not surprising that his love inspires selflessness. Natsume will always put others in front of himself and the more he loves someone, the more fervent he is about self-sacrifice. The truly beautiful thing about Natsume's love for Mikan is that it inspires selfishness too. And I never mean selfish as bad when I'm talking about Natsume. His love for Mikan is special in that it makes him want things for himself too.

I'm having doubts about being able to post tomorrow, so I apologize for only two posts this week. Expect normal posting next week at the very least! This essay is probably more than halfway through already, though I can't say for sure how much is left. Where I am now in terms of essay-writing is already deep in the Time-Travel Arc and as a result there's entire chapters I've skipped. Like. Seven in a row at times. Yikes. So basically we're pretty far in!

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[actual-changeling]

I fully agree, I am just once again here as the person that knows way too much about trauma and cPTSD so uh. hi. Sorry.

This will probably get way too long, I'm so sorry in advance. Thank you for reading if you do.

To me, it feels like he's coped with that cognitive dissonance by entirely detaching from that identity at times, almost as though those were the actions and experiences of another person (the angel you knew is not me) whilst returning to the first person in moments of vulnerability (I only ever asked questions).

Your observations are completely correct, but the driving force behind them is entirely subconscious and a result of the trauma he faced.

We know that Crowley canonically experiences and struggles with dissociation, which we can also see in the final fifteen when he puts his glasses back on and goes very still and unexpressive.

A short crash course on trauma-induced dissociation for those that don't know anything or only very little about it.

Dissociation is the body and brain's/the nervous system's response to unescapable danger and/or a threat. We have two active survival responses that kick in first—fight and flight—and when those two are not possible or ineffective, we fall back on fawn and try to become as submissive as possible to calm down the person behind the threat. If there is no one to calm or it does not work, then we skip fawn and go to the last resort: freeze.

Our bodies shut down, acting on the tenet "if i cannot stop or escape it, i don't want to experience it".

You probably know this in the form of animals playing dead, like mice or possums, but humans do the exact same thing! Our pulse slows, our blood pressure decreases while our blood vessels widen, our body releases its own form of anaesthesia, our sensory processing breaks down as do most of our higher brain functions, and the primal and more complex brain areas stop communicating with each other.

Or, to really break it down, when you've got nowhere to go, you hide in the only place you can: yourself.

I could elaborate on this for ages (and if anyone has questions I LOVE answering them) but I'll stick to the part that's relevant here, which is that during dissociative episodes, your brain stops forming complete memories.

Depending on how heavy the dissociation is, you sometimes experience full black-outs and don't remember a single thing, though often there is some semblance of memory—more of a grey-out. You might recall some facts or flashes of sensory input, but it's discombobulated and not always reliable.

That is why Crowley is an unreliable narrator when it comes to his fall, he genuinely cannot properly remember it.

Once you are out of the situation you were detaching from, your brain takes that entire experience, puts it into a box, locks it, and then throws it into a deep, dark corner so it never has to look at it again. It NEEDS to do that, because it cannot deal with what's in the box.

"That didn't happen to me" your brain goes, "that happened to someone who was not-me." It's its only way of coping. For Crowley that means the angel he was, the being all of that happened to, wasn't him. It was That Angel, and he is no longer them, so those are not his experiences.

Logically you know it was you, in a way, but it doesn't feel that way. I look back on what little I remember of my childhood, which is legitimately about 1%, and I know I was that child—but emotionally I wasn't. All that pain happened to Past Me, and Past Me is not Present Me. If that disconnected—the dissociative barriers—becomes strong enough, you land on the more severe side of the dissociative disorder spectrum, e.g. OSDD and DID, with PTSD and Depersonalization/Derealization on the other.

To me, it feels like he's coped with that cognitive dissonance by entirely detaching from that identity at times, almost as though those were the actions and experiences of another person (the angel you knew is not me)

So! That was this part.

Now to the other.

whilst returning to the first person in moments of vulnerability (I only ever asked questions).

As explained above, the brain does not form full, if any memories of that experience. The problem it will run into sooner or later, though, is that these locked boxes aren't just gone, they are still right there somewhere, on a pile or sorted in a shelf or at the bottom of a cliff.

No matter how far you throw them, it will never be far enough. Unfortunately, that also means those moments are never processed into actual memories. You can think of it like a time capsule, everything inside remains untouched—and THAT is how you get flashbacks. That is why people have triggers.

Something reminds the brain of a specific traumatic experience, and that locked box gets thrown back into your face and breaks open. Because your brain never turned the content into a memory, it is not a Past Experience, it is a Present Experience. You relive that moment as if it were happening to you right now

Flashback -> Past traumatic experience is being re-experienced.

In those moments, all those degrees of separation you usually have disappear, you stop being capable of separating past and present, past you and present you, danger and safety. Flashbacks are usually not like the media portrays them, they're not 3D perfect videos, they're fragmented sensory input and strong waves of emotions.

Sometimes they have audio or visual aspects, sometimes they don't, but they're always disorienting and painful. You go from "that didn't happen to me, that was someone else" to "this is happening to ME".

For Crowley that means "the angel I was" turns into "I am that angel".

I only ever asked questions, I fell into a pit of burning sulphur, I fell, I was in pain, I suffered.

When Crowley talks about his past like that, it is always connected to a trigger, e.g. the bookshop fire, the imminent destruction of everything while looking at his creations, being rejected and abandoned by a person he loves.

And, maybe you guessed it, since he is in active distress again, that experience once again does not get processed. Brain says "no thanks" and squeezes it back into its box and throws it away again. It is one of the reasons why trauma therapy cannot progress if you're still actively being traumatized.

Crowley needs peace and safety to process all that trauma, and as you said at the end, that is hopefully what season three will provide for him.

As predicted, this got very long. Very sorry. Once the infodump starts, I have to see it through, so thanks for reading and I hope this was interesting for some. Again, I always love questions, feel free to ask!

I feel like Crowley has often played the role of 'philosophy teacher' in his dynamic with Aziraphale, and I think this is probably what ultimately led to most of the backlash against Aziraphale immediately post-Season 2, especially from casual viewers.

The Resurrectionists episode is super obvious about it, big Philosophy 101 energy, but it's of course a big running theme in the show, often addressing the classic philosophical/theological question 'if God/Heaven are all-loving and all-powerful, why do they make us suffer?'

In these situations Aziraphale is often needing to learn to break free of his black and white thinking. Of course, we, the viewers, agree that morality is not black and white, so we start trusting Crowley's ability in the teacher role.

And it happens again in the Final Fifteen: we cringe at the stark oversimplification of 'you're the bad guys', we agree that Heaven and Hell are 'toxic' with their rigid rules and roles. Having seen so many examples of this dynamic at this point, this can instinctively feel like a continuation of Crowley's 'morality is not black and white' lessons. Therefore it makes sense to me that the instinct can be to agree that Crowley 'understand[s] a whole lot better' than Aziraphale.

I could go on for days about why I feel Aziraphale's character is so much more nuanced than that, but I want to focus on Crowley here. When you start trusting someone in that 'teacher' role, it's easy to assume they have it all figured out. That's why the whole 'Crowley is an unreliable narrator when it comes to his Fall' confirmation always had me so intrigued.

It seems (to me at least) that Crowley probably made some very complex, grey choices as an angel (choices that were not as bad as Heaven feels, but not as good as Crowley likes to think, to paraphrase NG) and he is yet to accept the reality of those actions. To me, it feels like he's coped with that cognitive dissonance by entirely detaching from that identity at times, almost as though those were the actions and experiences of another person (the angel you knew is not me) whilst returning to the first person in moments of vulnerability (I only ever asked questions). Judging by the hints at Angel!Crowley throughout S2, I think (hope) we'll learn more about the Fall in S3, and thus see him finally need to internally resolve this

I think it'll be very interesting to finally see that dynamic flip, to see Crowley in the role of the student, trying to solidify his moral code and sense of self as we have seen Aziraphale do throughout the show.

I suppose I hope that in potentially having Crowley's own struggles with morality becoming more explicit on screen in Season 3, the broad attitude towards Aziraphale and Crowley will become a bit more balanced again. I think it'll be lovely to see them grow in their understanding and acceptance of themselves and each other, and finally reach a place of joy and freedom as individuals and together. We'll always have our own personal character interpretations, and I think that's wonderful and fascinating to hear about, but at the end of the day we're all rooting for their happy ending, and I can't wait to see them finally get it.

[smol-and-grumpy]

Hello hello, there! I've been wanting to do this for quite a while but ever since I turned 21 life's been going INSANE for me and it seems like I never get a break to come by and say what I wanna say, but here I am now! So brace yourself because I'm going to say everything I wanted to during these last months but never had time to do so! I've always been a kid that was obsessed with books and reading but I never was the fanfiction type of person, it seemed like every time I tried to read one it would just made me upset because it just felt like the characters were always SO OOC and the storylines always seemed to be the same with the same annoying stereotyped readers that bottered me so much (perhaps I was just dumb and didn't knew yet how to actually look for stories and always ended up giving up before founding the ones that were for me), so it was never "my thing". I've been a Supernatural fan ever since I was 12, and a few months ago I was just missing Dean SO BAD and I desperately needed some distraction from my current life, so I decided to give fanfiction a try again (best decision I've ever made). I was feeling in a very specific mood (don't even ask why, my mind sometimes just get in very weird maladaptive daydreaming moods that I CANNOT explain) I felt like reading something linda "soldier" like, and that's how I've found Home To You. OH.MY.FUCKING.GOD. WHAT WAS THAT? NO, LIKE REALLY? I've read it SO GODDAMN FAST and ALL AT ONCE because once I started I just COULDN'T STOP IT! Everything pulled me in the story so much, the characters, the plot, the fantastic job you did with the reader, the goddamn long ass slow burn (and I mean that in the nicest way possible because I LOVE ME some slow burn). Do I even need to say that after finishing this one I absolutely binged every single one of your works? BECAUSE I DID (and now I regret it because I'm ADDICTED to your stories but I've read everything already 😭😭). Your writing it's so captivating and entertaining! I'm not exaggerating when I say that I'm IN LOVE with your stories and I just HAD to come here to let you know how absolutely fantastic you and your fanfics are! From now on I'll just be in my seat waiting for the uploads of the new stories (which by the way, they're AWESOME, I honestly could go on in another whole huge ass ask just to talk about what I'm loving in each one of them) and make sure to come here to talk to ya and give the feedback your deserve! Take care darling and have and amazing day! 💘 (This ask was supposed to be sent almost one hour ago but of course Jensen had to post that video and completely kill every single functional braincell out of my head, so the delay is his fault!) -🐿️

Oh my 🐿

You got me bawling when I first read your ask, and not gonna lie, I didn’t answer right away because I wanted to come back into my inbox to read it over and over and over again. It came at the right time too, because I’m in need of some serious pick me ups lately.

Thank you. Seriously, THANK YOU. I can not say this enough… you made one gal really happy. I feel honored that you think so highly of my writing. Home To You is one of my fave babies. And I know that it was soooooo slow, but it was all worth it, right?

The thing with OOC characters is just I think the way you interpret it in your head. In my head, Dean’s just like the way I write him, and I am humbled to know that I’m not too far off in the eyes of some readers 😅

Yes, please, come by more often. Scream at me, swoon with me, I would be so happy about it.

I hope you’re having a great weekend, my sweet 🐿

Love you ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️