#i cannot end the cycle by myself but the cycle is why im alone

[oetscop]

lonely and depressed > i do drugs > they reduce me to a walking corpse with nothing to offer another human being > it makes me lonely and depressed > i do drugs to cope > they reduce me to a walking corpse with nothing to offer another person > it makes me lonely and depressed > i do drugs to cope > they reduce me to a walking corpse with nothing to offer another person > it makes me lonely and depressed > i do drugs to cope > they reduce me to a walking corpse with nothing to offer another person > it makes me lonely and depressed >

[afternines]

.

[nekonyaniii]

Some thoughts about yexuan with his return to godheim i need to get out this from my head + this is my take and dont come at me also cmiiw!! 😭... spoiler, do not look(read by your own risk also it's so long goodbye)

i was rereading return to godheim yexuan like 88671992974 times ady and I just can't help myself to cry about it everytime I read it.. I really should .. stop .. but I can't LMAO I need to seek theraphy(asmr bday save me pls I just wanna think about 1:30mins make out)

Oh god .., Silver Knight, what have they done to you that make your fate is so harsh in Godheim/Yesai Timeline? Everytime I think about how miserable his fate in there I just can't help myself but get hurted

His explaination is firm but his voice naturally softened when he spoke about her, even Hammel is suprised hearing soft voice. And the more I think, his soft voice is because how he actually care so much about her, likes her from long ago, since his youngself when they meet as a teenagers, he just doesn't realize and can't remember anything(due empire erase his memory) so the only thing in his mind about lilpainter is his senior's daughter but deep down he knows her more than this

After repeating so many cycle of her deaths, he become anxious and hesitates because whenever she is passing away, she affecting his emotions. Hammel noticed and speaks up how this girl hold special place in his heart, he sighs and admit it that he is worried about her!!😭 This cycle is really cruel for him, he see her passing away many TIMES in his own hands how can it not make you anxious? How can he calm after repeating so many little painter's death before his eyes ?

Then he did manage to get out without any scratches left in her body, but soon the poison affect her body and the way he realize it make me so broke. Like .., He finally did it! Without a scracth??! Rescuing her from there! Can you imagine how glad he is when he thought he is finally rescuing her without her dying in his own hand. But as soon as he realize she got poisoned that delay her death, he cannot express how he's feeling, he thought he did it, he thought now can feel in ease after see her stay alive getting out from there.. he burried his face on her knees regretting his mistakes and hiding his emotions knowing that she soon will die again before his eyes, in his arms again, he must prepare for it..

This cycle is one of the hell for him, she confessed to him that lilpainter like him but he cannot return his feelings due it's heavy for him, he cannot spoke it so easily nor because she almost near her death, but because he is gonna be the one who only carries the memories and feelings alone knowing little painter will soon forget it after the new cycle start. His feeling is mixed, he doesn't look forward to see tomorrow knowing she would leave and the cyle will restart.

Now this, make me more depressed about this man. The only person he cherised is little painter and the only person he cares is her. And what if she didn't choose him after that cycle and timeloop. He will the one who bear all those bitter memories alone remembering how she said she likes him while she doesn't remember anything what she said before. Yexuan cannot avoid it, he have to witness everything about her in Yesai timeline(this is so cruel how they write 'destined' which he cannot escape from it ..), he can only watch from afar and guide her also protect her. He always have a soft spot for her but he always push it away that thoughts because he told to himself it's just a unecessary feelings that will hinder him.. There's so many things I want to explain more.. but Silver Knight fate, is really one of a cheff kiss piece. The good thing in this card is because how the ending they ended up together!! Im so happy for them! They also blessed by the goddess! After so many cycle, after so many timeloop and possibilities.. He happy together..🥹 Definetely why this is now my favorite card 😭 I NEED THIS STORIES RELEASED IN GLOBAL ASAP!!

Also i still love how he said this with a smile on his face, he is so hurted but he have to face it eventually.. Damn it yexuan, thank you for making me mentally ill(i got the ss from bilibili o<-<) hahaha

[omensgate]

fav campaign and why

<this is YOUR invitation to send me asks about anything>

oh god im no good at having feelings or opinions so ill just go down a list rattling off my experiences with the campaigns

for the record from the start ive been cheating, ive Never played this game blind. id consumed a lot of rain world playthrough medias before playing it (im not good at playing games in the sense that i simply do not experience them- im a speedrunner at heart... or not competitive or intelligent, im just walking fast paced from start to end...) and when i did play i always had a map and the wiki open which i think diminishes some of the feeling. but i still had fun moving from place to place

SURVIVOR: its classic. its sweet. its fun. i played about halfway through myself, but the second half i completed with my "Boyfriend" so i remember it as being very entertaining as we both fumbled around and learned together. it serves its purpose well and i think anything i enjoy about rain world can be seen in the survivor campaign at least to start off with... 10/10 nothing special but no loss by playing it yknow. ive also done an outer expanse + baby run (ftr if you want baby fast before going to outer expanse, live in industrial for a while. cannot compete with that pup spawn rate + you can easily make the rounds to check like 5 shelters a cycle before its anywhere near over) which yes -_- did make me cry.

MONK: i.. dont like playing monk. friendliness from other creatures does not mean much to me when actively hostile creatures are near impossible to kill because my spear can travel one (1) slugcats worth in distance so i would not play this with my fairly aggressive play style... i only played it for the short time itd take to get to outer expanse and. again. yes. i cried -_- i think its very sweet, and i am like. (clinically) psychotically attached to monk where its very important to my heart BUT Its not fun as a game experience to me

HUNTER: i tried to jolly co op cheat and play as arti to finish this as i find arti the easiest to play as but i kept crashing which is. you know. very bad for the single campaign where you want to be losing the least so ive never made much progress with this one and i genuinely dont want to open hunter back up because of the crashing. i THINK This was because i was playing w the sunhat mod because ive never experienced that magnitude of crashing constantly and uninstalled it after and have not experienced that again until... well youll read later

GOURMAND: i played this one from the start with my "Boyfriend" and so again it was fun from that, ESPECIALLY because he played as artificer and so was essentially my chariot throughout the campaign... easy way to beat gourmands exhaustion: make your partner carry you. shrimple. its SO fun to beat the shit out of creatures and i do like being forced to just take a moment and walk around slowly, i havent found his exhaustion toooo terrible if youre just patient except when youre fighting creatures that have health enough that you cant kill them in one hit. but being able to just slam something to death is SO satisfying, i enjoyed it. HOWEVER, ive never actually gotten to the END (Due to "Boyfriend" availability, we've stopped just outside the outer expanse gate). and of course, yes, every single fucking time i watch someone go into outer expanse i CRY LIKE A BABY. the first i think DOZEN times i watched people go through outer expanse, id start WAILING whenever i just saw slugcat npcs, it tugs and tears at my heart strings so badly. youre not alone. youve spent a campaign or two trudging through a wasteland empty of kind relatable figures but youre HOME now, just as you left it, and everyones so happy to see you back. im crying now . (do i just cry a lot? Maybe. im at an emotional point in my life... be nice.) 12/10 above survivor def, and gourmands my most favorite to play as in expedition- cant argue with that combat system + exhaustion isnt too bad for me + i love the variety of the world, its not impossibly difficult while not being easy.

ARTIFICER: ive never finished revenge route, ill be going to a different save file to try and it now, instead ive finished the ascension route. i know arti can be... extremely frustrating to play because its hitting a wall again and again and again but i really didnt have too much trouble approaching it knowing i had to be prepared to die + using my map a lot ("WTF this game is so unfair i cant see enemies about to shoot me!" Use Your Map. use your map and slug senses) + of course... ample map skills so im not ambling and getting like im getting lost and dying for nothing. though i will say, i did nearly give up at exactly the end- i think its the camera scroll mod but subterranean made the game near unplayable. like 0.5 frames per second, computer screaming, crashing i think a half dozen times again in an area where i NEEDED the karma to the point where i had to passage in place so i could ascend, and then crashing i think thrice while i was in the depths, including not allowing me to see the end cutscene... specifically that huge room with the big pit would grind the game to a halt i think because its so large and all the enemy AI, and all the spiders and centipedes are a nightmare and i just... hated it. every other leg of the game was fine, rewarding, heart touching but dear fucking lord, subterranean isnt more difficult or intriguing its just "the games not going to play smoothly at all and heres 5000000 ridiculously enemies". i WANT to love it, you know i love arti, but its just impossible to play if you want to ascend. and of course revenge route is crazy short which feels bad. removed from my experiences though, i think its beautiful with the one caveat that revenge route is TOO short. ive watched way too many people who were interested in the lore never get to even the third dream because theres just not enough shelters if you run straight to metropolis, which makes me sad. but the story generally is beautiful and i love it (and i could talk about it later, some of the things people say about arti makes me.. insane. either that shes totally righteous in her actions, or that her pups deaths are her fault)

SPEARMASTER: playing this one while cheating both using the map to plan exactly the route you need and to go through precipice as arti for the double jump + to swallow the pearl made it an absolute dream. yes the world is very scary but you can avoid a lot of the worst parts by simply not being there <3 one part: i did forget to change back to spearmaster before going to moon and she did crash my game so . remember to do that. very good campaign both for me to have played without doing anything as intended (never touched a broadcast), combat is fun, but also a very good story. i really like five pebbles and... i cannot get into the degree of five pebbles apologist i am i genuinely cant detail this without going off the rails. regardless; much 2 think about.

RIVULET: never played this one + not playing this one very scary looks bad dont want it. no rot no underwater sections no thank you. wont touch it. wont look at it. thank you

SAINT: hesitant to play this one due to the adventure aspect though i already got all echoes with arti so it cant be that bad- of course the story aspect of it all cannot be understated and it fully shattered my world view when i got into it. rain worlds live and die messaging has really helped me through suicidal and delusional periods and im very glad for what can be gleaned from saints story so i do like it a lot. as ive said before its also so amazing how a game with little to no tutorial text or cutscenes can have numerous jaw drop moments (with max karma reveal and descent into rubicon)

SOFANTHIEL: funny haha! (Jumps around

[fxirybun]

are there really multiple physical versions of ourselves? not just dopplegangers but u could be different to how u currently are but this version of me seems the only version and it sucks cause i feel like people dont know how to reciprocate what i expect them too if im upset at them they dont like it if im happy they also dont like it if i remember something someone did guess what? they dont want to remember their past behaviours.

so i feel like sometimes this is the only version of reality there is because I havent seen anyone be any different and I have kinda been stuck in this reality because ppl dont want me to thrive cause no matter what I try nothings been a success for me thus far. so im wondering now if theres another reality where I mightve had more success or maybe different type of parenting where they couldve had more empathy lmao it seems a common theme in people lacking basic understandings of problems they cause for others that still affect others later on. i often am told to just "get over something" yh bc they have such a great social circle but i dont. sorry for ranting but im stuck and i dont feel comfortable reaching out to people in current times cause i feel like many folk are mainly fragile egoists who only want to benefit themselves. they dont care if they hurt someone or prevent an opportunity or make it about themselves. have u had such experiences?

that reminded me of the egg theory that i stumbled upon on tiktok. we can't expect someone to treat us fairly these days since most of the time they'll usually focus on themselves whilst they can and would do anything to take advantage of someone in order for them to gain something.

i came to a realization back in middle school that people will only treat you poorly if you degrade or underestimate yourself. i remember letting myself be secluded from my peers due to my low self-esteem and how it reflected it based on how i showed myself outside. this led others to assume that i'm shy or weak which was considered a "bad image" during that time. because of it , i ended up receiving poor treatment and just like you i feel frustrated since i didn't do anything wrong to them.

when i decided to change myself and did it the other way around that's when i'm receiving the treatment that i've wanted: to be respected. there would be an instance wherein i cannot keep up with the persona i made outside my small bubble since i'm an introvert at heart and i tend to be an awkward person. when i'm with someone alone it would be dead silence unless there's another person around who knows how to start a topic. it bothered me at first but i got used to it due to me embracing this side of myself.

did i regret doing it ? not at all since i know how to balance it + i get to recharge my social battery once i'm in my room. humans are known to be social creatures and cannot stand alone , i learned it the hard way. this is one of the reasons why i socialize with everyone because it's hard to be by yourself especially in times when you need help. moreover , you also get to meet other groups of people who are on the same vibration as you along the way ^_-

to conclude , there's still a way to change the version of yourself in this reality ! if i can do it , then so can you ⸜( ◜࿁◝ )⸝ there's a trial and error on my part but that didn't stop me from committing it because i don't want to live in this vicious cycle. i also learned back when i was 14-15 ish that i'm the only person who can help myself and that i cannot rely too much on someone in other situations. it is my problem that i need to face , not theirs since they're not obligated to it + they have their share of problems too that they need to take care of.

i ended up not giving a fuck as to what people may think of me because , at the end of the day , i'm the only one who knows myself better. thank you for sharing how you currently feel anon and hopefully my food for thought made you feel valid or provided you some kind of comfort or such ∩(´∀`∩)

[thingsdontgetbetter]

yeahh anyway part 2/x

end of that rant and onto basically i guess my suicide note for my dear friends! i left a note for the apartment people that is intentionally very vague because my past attempts have always failed and its the worst feeling in the world to try and explain the note to whoever stops you or finds you, and i dont want that at all, which is why i can delete this if i live through this somehow, and on top of that, i dont think most of the people i know will ever find this. its basically to just you three. if you want to share this to anyone i guess go ahead because if this gets posted i dont think im around to care about it

ive thought about where ive been this exact day each year for the last 10 years, and each year its with someone i had i was super close to that i dont have anymore. and for this entire time i can say specifically this person was really bad to me, this person was harmful to others, what we had was temporary, or whatever, but the idea it is a theme that keeps repeating until i have no one left and no ability to let someone like that back in, i think more than anything is a signal of me, in the possibilities of like, maybe i am not a good person to be around, maybe i attract these kinds of people, maybe i in a way are also these people, maybe i cant keep anyone around, maybe i am the common denominator in way you cut it. and i think one if not all of these is true. i think i have some kind of deep dark evil hatred like super deep ingrained in my heart that will never be gone. i think i find comfort and similarity in finding things to hate because thats all ive known growing up, i think i am happier when im upset, i think i use that to manipulate people to whenever i need something to hate making them think im a victim somehow, and i dont want to and i dont mean to, but i know my elder relatives were like that and im never in my head to verbalize in my mind thats what im doing, i dont do it consciously, but in that way still, i take and i hurt everyone i care about. i wont let myself or others be happy. it will eventually always happen that i make a falling out with someone because if that doesnt happen im unfamiliar with whats going on i dont know what is happening.. and i make whatever needs to happen to feel that cycle again. in the period before i do this i get seriously codependent on a single person, to where i live my life for that person, and my being is made to cater to whatever that is, and i do that i think in response to the feeling of not wanting to be alone, to finding a person that makes me happy and wanted, to never ever wanting to let that go, selfishly, until it finally boils up to constricting that persons abilities, and when they start freaking out for needing space, i cant take the rejection of losing that, and make myself the victim. i wish i couldve broken this down in therapy, but the last 6 months have been mostly figuring out short term disability. i figured out i was not getting paid for the disability about 1-2 weeks ago, sometime at the beginning of june, and i knew then there was no getting out of needing to off myself. the reasoning for their rejection is that i didnt provide my hr with all the documentation for my leave, which they never said they needed, and i did provide my hr with that information, but the way short term leave works with my job is in periods of 2 weeks at a time, and since i missed sending them the same paper that they requested for 2 weeks in februrary at a specific time (i sent it to them after when i realized it worked this way but it was too late for it to be recognized) they never accepted it, they just had it under a status of documentation not found. and im technically still with my job, but if i said ok stl over im coming back tomorrow, my manager would say we dont have that documentation youre fired. i cannot go back, i cannot send them the documentation, and im stuck in this kind of limbo. ive honestly been waiting for that email saying "youre fired!!" if it had come especially earlier i couldve at least applied for unemployment benefits or something, which would not have been a lot a week, but it still wouldve been something.

[zeenmrala]

i am safe. i just need to vent. please do not read this if you are in a bad place.

i am inconsolable right now. i need to calm down, and fast, and so i am writing this post to try and elevate some of the anguish rattling around inside of me. it's absurd how much i am feeling, how much i CAN feel. i genuinely cannot remember the last time that i was this triggered. im so upset and i don't trust anyone in my real life with this, and i have no safe space to express how i feel without some kind of consequence. so here we are. i have to write about this or it's going to destroy me, i can feel it tearing me apart. though it's so difficult to put into words, i am at a point in my recovery in which i need to detach this suffering from who i am and at least try to release it into the world, i need it to fuck off and leave me alone. it's rotting me from the inside out and i can't deal with it. i just can't anymore. fuck. i have been abused since i was eight years old, and i can't write how, or by who, in what way. because i can't bring myself to type the words. but i have been consistently hurt and traumatised and let down by the men in my life, especially those who have held positions of authority. over and over and over. again and again and again. in everyway. and it keeps happening. no matter how i protect my peace or do the work to separate or distance myself, a man will always find a way to fuck with me, to hurt or manipulate or exploit me. to keep victimising me. making me feel small. making me go through something i don't want to be a part of. i don't wanna be hurt. i dont wanna be a fucking victim. i don't wanna be a survivor. i don't wanna be strong. i don't even wanna be at this point. because this is never gonna fucking end, is it? i can't escape it. i will never escape it. every two months or so, something from my past comes back to haunt me. and it's never my fault. and it's never fair. of course not, i was a child. it's not my fault that i was hurt and abused. not my fault that now, my friends think it's cool to send me pics of my abuser when they see him out and about. it's not my fault. that my father is criminal. that my brother is an addict. that i never finished grieving for my dead friends. that i was just kid. not my fault. but it all makes me seethe anyway. i am so angry and frustrated and in despair because if i am not to blame then why does it always feel like my fault? so much bad stuff happens to me and mine in such varied ways, multitudes of shit shows and what's always consistent? that im the only constant. it's me. im a shit magnet. it follows me. the trauma follows me. i am healthy and self aware and i am at a good place in my life and yet - it's always there. always, like a chronic illness that's somehow fucking catching. spreading my misery and misfortune and apprehension everywhere i go. and i don't want to do this anymore. i don't want to feel anymore. i don't want to get better to get worse again. it's a fucking cycle and i can't escape it. no one can help. i can't afford decent care. my mental health team is a shit show that are essentially useless. my night terrors are back at full force. and all of that trauma, so intricate and repetitive and sharp, is sitting so weighty and heavy on my chest. and it gets worse every day, with every moment and trigger and relapse. i just feel dread and anguish. i want it to stop. for a second. just a second, some relief please

[renorasims]

I’m still going to be around, creating and active in the community! After a rough couple of months with constant stress of keeping my quantity production up to par, i’m taking some months off of Patreon.

When?

My billing cycle will be paused for at least 3 months. During this period pledged patron will not be charged. At the end of March i will re-evaluate if i need more time or start up my page again. I will inform you ahead of time if/when i start up my page again! I will change the bio of my patreon page/tiers/website accordingly so people will know that there will be no early-access/pre-release items for at least 3 months.

Continuing support?

Pausing the billing cycle only pauses the monthly billing cycle, which is only at the start of the new month. So if you pledge, you get charged right away. If you’ve already pledged/are an active patron and want to donate; you have to un-pledge and re-pledge to get charged. This way, i can still use Patreon as a donating system. Please don’t feel obliged or anything! I love you regardless<333

Why?

I need to take a nice looong breather and i just want to play the freakin’ game for awhile haha! =) Also; update my CC on my slow-poke pace, experience what needs to be made bc i miss it in-game and... last but not least; make CC in peace! Care to know more? Read further below!

First and foremost; thank you so much to everyone who ever supported me! I cannot possibly put into words how this made a difference for me the  past 1,5 years i’ve been doing Patreon <333! Till this day, it paid for most of my creating expenses (software subscriptions, hosting fees). Please don’t take the below explanation as a insult or me being  ungrateful or anything. Its has nothing to do with that! Its just the reality of my current situation.

While i enjoyed and hopefully one day might enjoy Patreon again, it has also put a strain on me and my personal life. I know more creators struggle with ‘the pressure’ and i just want to share my side of it. To enlighten the other side of the coin (pun intended).

Creating CC takes time, in my case a lot bc im a freak and tend to uphold myself to absurd standards for some reason. bc of this i never learned how to be more chill and just ‘let it go’. I sometimes have periods that every pixel needs to be right which is absurd. Its also takes inspo and sometimes... the juices just aren’t flowing. Now, there is not room for times like that.

There’s this certain expectation to get 3/4 items each month since that’s the unwritten ‘rule’. If you look at most pages, that’s the unwritten (sometimes written) ‘threshold’. I failed to deliver that, twice. ‘Only’ had 3 items for that month and immediately people unpledged citing something “did not deliver what was promised”. Don’t get me wrong, it’s your right to do so! If you’re not satisfied than by all means, do what you have to do!

Hear me say this in the nicest way possible; just try to remember that at the other side of the screen there is a person working for 1-3$ a month (i get maybe $0,75-2,5 of it after conversion fees, Patreon fees, etc not to mention; taxes... which is at least a 3rd of the total amount, here in the Netherlands) in my case at least 32 hours a month. In most months its more but im a bit embarrassed to reveal how slow i work. Being a "smaller" Patreon Creator (nothing wrong with that!) i don't make 'big money' with it. The biggest misconception of Patreon i think. It's super nice(!) to earn anything with it! Don't get me wrong! but the hours never weigh in for the earned amount in my case unfortunately. And reading those exit-polls after those 2 incidents... I stopped reading them all together. It crushes someone’s soul who’s literally working her/his ass off to deliver you CC and only came up 1 item short. bc of this i sometimes (in rare cases, thank god) had to go for quantity instead of quality which is NOT for me.

Please know: most of my patron’s aren’t like that all! 95% is satisfied/understanding/loving and supporting all the way!!! I love you guys to the moon and back and thank you for being there this past 1,5 years! <333 I only experienced this twice in 2 years but still... it takes the pressure to a level that’s just not healthy (for me) to sustain.

A lot of creators seem to work the whole Patreon thing quite well. I really hope they do, I’m happy for them! and hope they can continue to grow healthily! Nevertheless, I can’t help but feel that i’m not alone in this. Being open about this is hard bc people think you’re making ‘all this money’ and you don’t want to come off as ‘complaining’. I totally understand, i had the same feelings. At the end of the day i chose to share my side bc i suspect there’s a lot more stress/pressure going on behind those pages than non creating simmers could possibly comprehend. I rlly hope this can contribute to more knowledge and understanding what can be happening behind a Patreon Page.

Hopefully I can come back in a few months! I still wish I could create full time some day (putting in less hours at my normal job) and will actively keep this in mind but i might have to acknowledge/accept that it will never happen. I have to see if i can conquer my own insecurities and reshape that idea in order for it to work in a sustaining and healthy situation.

[shadowturtlesstuff]

caged

a nessain fic for @fangirling-again

The world is spinning, spiralling out of my reach. I am locked in a cage that I can never escape from. I stare blankly out of the window, one hand grasping a nearly empty bottle of whiskey and the other on the arm of my chair shaking. I have not moved all day. I haven't been able to. My mind keeps replaying images of every mistake I have ever made; which there are many to choose from so I am never left with a blank mind. My eyes are dry as I have no tears left to spill. Many people hate me but no one can have as much hate for me as I do. It lurks in the pit of my gut and waits to strike as soon as I feel anything but remorse. My days are an endless cycle. Soon when night starts to replace the day I shall pry myself from my chair, change into something else and leave to go to the bar. I will let some man have their way with me as an attempt to feel something. It never works. Then I go home and drink myself to sleep. I am stuck in a hate loop that I have no intention of ever escaping. I deserve it all. 

My eyes sting as I glance at the mirror. I have bruises on my arms and legs from the roughness I allow men to have. My eyes are surrounded by black and purple and many of my bones are on full display. I feel worse than I did when we were all still human. I look worse. At least then feyre was able to look after me. She's tried to help me but I will not let her; I will not be her burdan once more. I want her to live a happy life; it's more than she deserves. And my sweet Elain; I have no idea how she's coping but I'm too afraid to face her. If I go near her I'm sure her recovery will go back to square one. I only make things worse for the people i love. So now I'm letting them live their lives without the burden of my presence. 

I put on a long worn out dress and collect a bag of coins. I take one more resentful look at myself before leaving. Cassain hasn't stopped by my house all week. Normally he tries, and fails, to talk to me. He is what I am most afraid of. He has been affectionate towards me, I saved him during the war. I care for him more than I should, he cares for me more than I deserve. I want him to stop;to find someone better and stop wasting his life on me. I hate the pity he holds for me. I hate that I want him to hold me. I shouldn't; I can't let him love me. I'll ruin him like I ruined my sisters.

I walk slowly to the bar. This is the part of the night I hate the most. The walk towards it; i know what will happen to me tonight, i know what i'll let happen. I blink back a tear. I will not cry over what I choose to do. I round the corner and see that the bar is already nearly full of drunken men. 

‘Nesta!’ I hear someone call. Not someone; cassian. I curse under my breath and brace myself. I turn and see him running towards me, his hair falling out of his bun and a concerned look on his face.I shove my hands deep into my pockets to hide the shaking of them.

‘What do you want?’ I snap as he stops in front of me. I desperately want to hug him, for him to hold me and tell me it will all be okay. I want to see his smile. 

‘Please listen. Go home nesta, don't go into that bar again.’ he pleads with me.

‘Why? So you can have an ego boost for protecting me? I think not.’ 

I swallow the bile rising and pretend that I don't need to throw up.

‘No nes, I just want to help you. Not for me or my ego but because you're hurting and it has been left for too long.’

‘Go home. I don't deserve your help.’ I tell him and go to turn towards the bar. He takes my hand and stops me, making me face him. His hands spread warmth throughout me and I now only realize how cold it is outside. He has the same dark bruises marrying his eyes that i have, as well as actual bruises along his cheekbone. His brown eyes never leave me, trying desperately to find something I can never give him.

‘No one deserves to hurt like this.’ he takes my other hand and im prey to his touch. I beg to all the gods to not let this moment end. It has been too long since someone looked at me so genuinely. It has been so long since someone held me as if I meant something. I let him hold me for one more second before I pushed off him. I can't let him. I cant hurt him any more than i already have. 

‘I can think of plenty of people who do, myself included.’ I tell him and try desperately to break the cage I hold myself hostage in. I understand that if I let one person in it could all be better. Or it could at least hurt less. However I don't want that. I don't deserve it so i cannot let Cassian think he can. I blink back the tears and hold my chin higher trying to prove my comment. I see his eyes falter, his face fall into that look that makes my skin crawl. I hate him. I hate the pity. I am now a powerful fae I should not be looked at as though I'm about to break .

‘Why do you think you deserve all this pain, nes?’

‘Because i am a horrible person. I deserve to be alone. I am alone.’ I gave him a pointed look to tell him to stop. He doesn't listen.

‘No nes. No. please just hear me out before you walk away. You have been through hell and back and you're only 19. You have been dragged into a world you were taught to fear, you watch your sister be happy with her mate, and it hurts, I know you are hurting. I don't blame you for wanting to hurt yourself, but I don't want you either. I, nesta please. Come home with me tonight. Just stay in a warm place and eat something please.’ this time the tears fall and I cannot blink them away fast enough. I desperately want to go with him. To plead for help. How can i? How can I face my sisters and everyone else? How can I be happy when people have been harmed because of me. I'm a monster and monsters never get saved. 

‘I. i can’t. I'm so sorry.’ I whisper and begin walking away.

tags;

@yafa-towers @slightlyrebelliouswriter23 @mis-lil-red @sleeping-and-books @just-antisha @ithoughtthiswastwitterbutfr @rowaelinforeverworld @thefandomhighqueen @gloriouspalacebakerylawyer @westofmoon @illyrianwitchling13

let me know if you do or dont want to be tagged in my work

[creaturebehavior]

thank fucking god i’m sober because all i’ve ever wanted was to move through the pain work through the trauma and it was impossible while stuck in my addiction. this wasn’t my dream as a little girl, but this has been my dream since i became an adult: working through my trauma, re-parenting myself, moving through the pain until it doesn’t hold me back anymore

and i made it. i’m here. i’m doing it. every day is a revelation, as hilary duff once said. there’s not a day that goes by that i don’t make a new connection, or baby step my way to a new epiphany. trying to make sense of the madness i grew up in, where i ended up, who i am now and putting in the work to grow from it and not allowing it to hold me back is an every moment event. with every familiar and old feeling, comes powerful thoughts and new understanding of it all. i’m getting somewhere, every moment of every day. no second is wasted. it’s work that has no end in sight. i have goals i am reaching toward. to deeply and truly love myself, to shake off the shame i grew up in, to set and hold boundaries and not allow myself to continue to be abused, to not allow myself to continue to abuse myself, to break the cycle and to learn how to be the best parent i can to myself before becoming a parent to my own child(ren) someday. it takes a lot of effort. but it’s something i cannot run from. i am in the thick of it, no longer at the beginning. i choose not to run from it but to face it. i choose to grow through this, from this, to grow out of what’s no longer serving me, so that i can be proud of what i have done with the life that was given to me.

god handed me life. god handed me trials and tribulations. god handed me peace and serenity. god handed me the tools i need to make it through it all. life will never be easy, but i am on a path that is already abundant, because i am willing to look at it all, and process it, and learn from it. god gave me limitless courage and optimism and hope, god created me to be resilient. and i swore to god and to myself that i would embrace the path that’s been handed to me. and here i am, living it. not sure why life is about pain and healing. but i’m already living in the freedom. to have the privilege to work through everything that’s happened, and continues to happen, is a gift i try not to take for granted. no idea why my destiny has been carved out in exactly the way that it has been, but i am headed in the right direction as god has planned for me, and i trust it with unwavering faith. and am grateful that i get to experience the most out of life. no matter how small my existence and my day to day and sometimes seem to me, whenever i remember to take a step back i am amazed at the amount that i do, i am amazed at the amount that i have grown. i know my future is beautiful and bright. i also know, more pain is inevitable. but im willing to be on this journey. and i never could have gotten here alone. with god’s guidance and unconditional love and understanding, i am never short of the strength i need to just be alive. to be alive as a human on this earth is a challenge in itself. i am doing the most. i am doing enough. what a treasure to be who i am, and to live the life i was given.

[a-forgotten-spirit]

Azriel x Reader

A/N: I AM TAKING REQUESTS. GOOD DAY. FAM I CRIED WRITING THIS IM SORRY

Tags: @alphaomegahybrid @cookiemonsterwholovesbooks @livlaughlove20 @klashmafia @tiasbandom​ @shane-knight @ourbooksuniverse @warning-fangirl-at-work @xxpapasfritasxx @shadowsingersxks @-im-fantastic- @kenzie-cold-greenkale @great-goddess-of-sin @judig92 @pugzzzz @mariamuses @salma-mohammad54

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Y/N P.O.V

I couldn’t breathe or think, my lungs were not strained or begging for air. I wasn’t panicking I was, hidden. My body was hidden from my mind but I wasn’t scared. I wanted to run. To leave. I wanted to go home. I couldn’t be here, Rhysand needs me I know that but my body wasn’t listening to the commands I gave. I wanted to fight, I wanted to kill. I wanted power and I wanted it all. 

I was going back into my war ways. I was a High Lady and demanded respect. I was powerful I knew that I could crush mountains and kill armies with my bare hands. I needed this feeling to leave or for me to at least harness it, the war was upon us in only a few days and I was to command my army and win this war. I could do it myself if I let go but I wouldn’t. 

I ended by a lake my breathing was fast and I knew no one could find me here not even my men, the shadows moulded with me. No matter the person they would find no one here, not even if they stepped on me. I sat near the water watching the water ripple as leaves fell upon the surface. My legs moved to sit out in front of me as though I was a doll. The wind danced upon my skin sending a shiver through me. 

My hair moved with the wind, slowly flowing like a wave. This is where I let my thoughts run wild, the thoughts of previous wars the people I fought for and the ones I lost. I could feel the worry down the bond but I never moved, I lasted fifty-three years he can wait a few hours. The shadows danced around me in a flourish of black inky material. 

This war is taking a huge toll on me and it hasn’t even started, I want to keep training to perfect my moves. I want to keep my mate safe, I want to keep my family safe, I want to keep the ones I hold dear safe but at what cost? How much will I have to pay going into this war? I don’t think I’m ready to find out. My body is prepared as any warriors would be but the mind is a dark and wistful place. 

Your mind controls everything you do, every time a thought runs through it is your mind. People blame others but you know it’s you. Not many people can comprehend that fact, the fact that your own mind creates your thoughts. No matter how gruesome, gory or downright sociopathic they may be, they are yours. 

I understood that.

I know my thoughts. 

They are mine. 

And mine alone. 

My mind does not care for war or the better explanation my mind does not care for the people in war. They are simply an obstacle I must face, with a wave of my hand they will fall no matter the strength you hold when going against someone who cannot die. You can’t win. 

I watched as the sky turned from a beautiful blue to blazing orange, yellow and red then slowly to a dark blue almost black. I saw the stars appear in the sky, The Night Court did have the best nights. My court was known for shadows and mystery while others got beautiful things like the seasons or day cycles.

Getting to my feet I walked around the forest, feeling the dirt crunch beneath my shoes. I walked with no hast breathing in the night air, I heard no noise but I remembered I was around Illyrian males but doubted any of them would come near me as I was mated to Azriel and friended to Cassian as well as Rhysand.

I knew my role in this war, simply to keep everyone else alive as my men fight. I knew the Hunters had something up their sleeve they always do. I walked calmly through the forest, the crisp air licked at my skin as I moved. Feeling the caresses at my mind I simply ignored the feeling and continued on my way. My knife hung loosely in my hand the metal never stopped being cool. I wanted this war over and it hadn’t even begun. 

I made it back to the camp and saw as people watched me with fear, quickly turned their heads or stopped to stare. I wasn’t comprehending why as I walked through, most stopped to stare as I walked. I made my way through the tents and commotion, I saw the opened tent Rhysand, Cassian, Feyre and my dearest Azriel were in. Standing over a table and talking with concern, eyes darted across the map. 

I stepped in and Azriel’s head whipped to me as did the others. Feyre’s eyes were wide as her hand came to cover her mouth as she looked at me. Cassian stepped back as he looked me up and down. Rhysand’s eyes changed from mine to Feyre’s. Azriel looked at me in horror, I wasn’t afraid or concerned no I was shocked he looked at me that way. But pushing it down and pretending he did no such thing was easier said than done, ignoring it completely I looked to Rhysand. 

“When do we move out,” I asked, my voice seemed emotionless and bland. As though I was a doll that a child pulled a string, letting it go and I would speak. I could feel my men whispering in the shadows as I stood tall, my hands at my sides and I waited for the reply. 

“We were to wait around four days,” he said slowly as though weighing the words in his mind as he spoke. It was interesting to watch his reaction. The way his eyebrows rose and eyes narrowed. 

“I will be attacking in around four hours” all went silent, Azriel’s eyes sparkled as he looked to me but my eyes did not reach his. I heard a few gasps from outside the tent and I heard people stop in their footsteps. Rhysand’s questions flooded his eyes while Cassian’s seemed to get lost in his mouth. Seeing the questions I spoke “I came here for a war, you know my past. Know my name, she has come back and I wish to have more blood on my hands” I didn’t mean it to sound so straightforward but I did, thinking id apologize or look away perhaps feel some guilt but I did not. 

“Y/N” Feyre stuttered and stepped back, lightly grazing Rhysand’s arm as she did. Seeming she was about to pass out or come running at me I didn’t know which would happen first if any at all. 

“What do you mean” Cassian yelled and stepped closer to me, his emotions were coming through in waves, I could sense he wanted to scream and collect my form into his arms and hold me. He was always like a brother to me. 

“I mean what I said. Cassian you saw me in the last war, I haven’t changed. Simply adapted. I miss the days of the war. I crave it, the way soldier’s fall at my hand” I looked to my hand and noticed long sharpened nails, longer than before. I couldn’t dwell for long as I continued talking “This is my life, I was born a machine of war and I will die a machine of war” I spoke and looked to him. My hand came back down to my side the knife in this other. 

“But” he paused shoulders moving with quickened breaths as he looked me over “Please don’t do this, just wait. I can’t lose my best friend” stuttering as he spoke. This wasn’t like Cassian and I hated to see him like this. Shaking my head I apologized but he butted in “Y/N please” he turned to Azriel who seemed to be in shock “Are you going to say anything” his eyes were ablaze. 

“Why” Azriel breathed out. He seemed to be scared as shadows circled him and to my realization, my body too was clouded in shadow. I was looking to me for answers but I could only come up with one. 

“It’s who I am” smiling and sighing lightly. “I will be leaving. Do not participate in this war. I have this, they will fall” I wanted to add ‘As will my mind’ but I didn’t.  “I’m sorry but this is me. I shall see you all soon” I looked to them and smiled once more. 

Turning on my heel and walking from the opened tent, I saw men standing and watching me in fear and a few seemed to look at me with something else but I ignored them. I walked to my home, going inside and grabbing all I needed. Changing clothes, getting more weapons and making sure everything was perfect. 

I saw my reflection in my knife, eyes were as black as coal, they held no light. Lines like lightning came from my eyes for a few inches, they were black and faded into my skin. I walked out of my temporary home and began to walk out into the forest. I could hear Cassian yelling orders as people ran around and Azriel standing at the walls of my mind. I wanted to open them but no I wasn’t going too. 

I stood in the forest for a moment “My lady. There has to be another way” Araysh spoke and came to kneel in front of me a hand to his chest. I didn’t look to him my eyes forward while he was to the ground. 

“I will protect my family” I whispered sadly and smiled to him putting my hands out to glide my hand through his hair. 

“Yes, My Lady” he replied breathlessly and fell into the ground beside me. I was walking through the forest by myself I could feel the shadows wrapping around me like a comforting blanket, I could feel Azriel at the edge of my mind but my walls were firm and not allowing in anyone, this is a war and I didn’t need to get distracted. A whole new world was upon us and I needed to get my head in the game. My court was here, in every crevice and shadow, they were here. I made my way out of the forest and could feel the way people followed me, Cassian’s men.

“Y/N please listen to me” I heard and stopped for a moment seeing Cassian run in front of me his eyes about to burst with liquid emotion and his body crumbling at the seams. “Don’t do this” he begged. ‘’

“It has already begun, Rhysand asked for my help and my help he shall receive. You will be safe, Rhysand will be safe” I paused “Azriel will be safe” I concluded and looked to him as he shook his head. 

“It means nothing if you aren’t. Azriel and running around trying to find a way to end this. Please Y/N you’re my best friend I can’t lose you. I lost you once and I can’t do that again” he mourned, he was breathing heavily and I was sad for him, truly he was my best friend as much as Rhysand was. 

“I lost everything” I whispered and watched as his eyes widened “Don’t you see, I was asked to end this war to keep you all safe. Azriel waited fifty-three years to come and visit me. I saw you more than I saw my own mate, he didn’t want me. All those years wasting away because my mate didn’t want me and now look at me falling back into his arms like a dog, I’m here to end this and then I will be gone. Forever” I stood tall and looked to Cassian and he looked confused. 

“Why does it sound like you are going to die” when I didn’t respond I believe he found his answer and at that he shook his head a single tear falling from his eye. “Azriel left for you, to keep you safe” he pleaded “He cried and didn’t speak for years all he wanted was you but if they found you he would never forgive himself” he tried to get across his point. 

“I know” I looked down and breathed out “He wanted to protect me but for all that time not a single message, not even a feeling down the bond, how was I meant to react to that Cassian. Carry on living, as though I was happy without him” I shook my head “Once this is over then I will leave and he can move on as can you and Rhysand” 

He grabbed my hand pulling me into his chest “I don’t want to let go, you’re my best friend, I love you and if anything happened to you I couldn’t live with myself neither could Az or Rhys” I wanted to cry, laugh and melt into the world all at once. 

“Then you will understand why I would sacrifice myself for you all” I smiled “The war has begun Cassian and I will do whatever it takes in order to make sure you are all safe” I promised. “Even if that means letting go of my humanity” 

“Why” I heard a voice and looked to see the two other boys as I moved back from Cassian. Azriel had spoken and I looked down before breathing slowly then looking to them all. These boys were my family and I would do anything to assure their safety. 

“Because I would rather give myself over then see any of you hurt. Those stories of after a war looking for the wings and begging it not to be each other” I breathed trying not to cry as I did. “I want you to understand the pain I went through, not only did I lose my mate but my family. I was left alone in darkness even Cassian stopped his visits after the years went by. Now that they have died it is over, Azriel wants me but this war could destroy us all and I’m not ready to let you three die just so I may be as I am now” I looked to them all and sighed out once more. “So please let me do as I must and protect you” I begged. 

I was left with stares as I saw Mor, Amren, Lucien, Feyre in the background listening in. When I made eye contact with Azriel I could see the fear in his eyes and the fear dripping down his face. I needed to keep them safe. “We made that deal” 

“That was years ago” Rhysand yelled as I put up my hand a small crescent moon sitting on my wrist as all the boys had. 

“We promised to protect each other” I began and Azriel shook his head. “The deal was if the time came where I was to give me humanity in order to save you three you’d let me do it” I looked to them and Cassian shook his head. 

“I didn’t know you were my mate than” Azriel called out and shook his head. 

“Y/N please there has to be another way” I looked to Rhysand and he sighed out. 

“A deal has been made. We can’t go back on it” he whispered and looked away. 

“Let me save you three” I whispered and smiled to them. Before I knew it I was engulfed in a hug but all three of them I could hear the sound of the opposing side coming faster the way their horses ran and the horns being sounded. I hugged them all back letting a single tear fall down my cheek. 

“You’ll be ok, you are always ok” Cassian repeated quietly to himself as he held me tighter. I wanted to sit with him, play with his hair as I used to. Braid it and make jokes with them as Azriel smiled and Rhysand made tea. This was my family. 

I could hear crying and Rhysand and Cassian looked to Azriel who had tears running down his cheeks “I just got you back” he whimpered, he looked weak and frail something he never showed “Please I love you, don’t do this” he begged and I sighed lightly. 

“I love you more than anything in this world and that is why I must do this” I smiled and pulled him against my lips for a final kiss. It was short but perfect. “I will always be with you in here” my hand came to his chest as I pulled back his leathers to show our deal. “This shows our love. I love you Azriel” I whispered and smiled at him. 

“I love you too Y/N” he replied and I stepped around him going to face the army before me.

I turned to look at my family the ones I would soon lose my humanity for “Goodbye” I smiled and let the shadows take over my body.

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Chapter 10

[ceruleanskies]

I've just finished reading "Perfidious," and may I say just how surprised (yet, not) I am with its ending. Being a TyongF, I made sure to read a Taeyong story from your master list first, and you keyed in that it was a personal favorite of yours, so I went in. And I just want to inform you now that this may get long, so please bear with me here; I might get a little emotional than I intend to be. (TBC)

I'll still go straight to the point, though, and say how my old self can relate to Y/N so much. I relied on other people so much to bring me happiness, letting them have power over me and my happiness again and again and again. Until I just didn't. But I just want to give it to you how amazingly you portrayed Y/N in her unknowing of how Taeyong really feels. I personally thought as well that it may have been Y/N's naïvety that brought her to where she ended up, but that I cannot blame her at all

because God forbid we can't at least be hopeful for one last time that we're not going to be hurt again. And, personally, I loved that touch of reality you put in there. I loved how you portrayed Taeyong as someone who wasn't just some dickhead who played with Y/N. From my perspective of the story, he never really lead her on and never suggested being in love with her; it was most likely Y/N's naïvety and hopefulness that this one was better, was different. And, goodness, you did great on that.

The way it ended reminded me of caiuscassiuss' "Whiplash" (I loved that one too), and it was almost how you'd really expect such a story to end. I was almost expecting things to get fucked up in the end, and I was questioning how and why the hell Y/N would take Taeyong back if it were to because, fuck, that's messed up. And when it did fuck up, and Y/N was almost soulless after Taeyong, I had to applaud you. You certainly did not try and please the readers, and you were so raw with the emotions.

It was so strong of you to have been able to write such a sensitive and emotional piece such as this one. It isn't easy. I aim to write stories too, and I still am finding my own style to be able to place the right words in to capture the emotions. You certainly did well with "Perfidious," and I sure hope it becomes one of your most successful works, although it has already succeeded for me. I usually don't read stories with smuts, but you certainly didn't make it uncomfortable for me.

I just wanted to add too that I was listening to "Star Dust" by Ha Dong Qn on repeat while reading the story. It's a beautiful song with beautiful lyrics that I associate dearly with Taeyong, but I associate its melody with your story. The melancholic sound it has matches with the coldness that I feel for Y/N. It seems like a pain you don't want to bear, but the familiarity of it all makes you want to keep going back to it. That's how the story made me feel. And you worded it perfectly.

Ah, I feel like I said too much but never really got to grasp how it is that I feel about the story, but please know just how much it has affected me. It felt like a personal bond that I connected with you through the pain of it, and I am certain I'm not alone. The pain is familiar, and I just don't have enough words to say how much you painted much of my emotions from the past in eight thousand words. You're insane for this. And I love you for that. "Perfidious" is amazing. I give it a 9.5/10👍

Okay, I guess this is where I'll end this very long entry. I appreciate the story very much. I never liked angsty stories as they always managed to drag me to my past, but this one felt like that one small piece of memory I had, and it was hard to look away even though it hurt. I just hope now that you're doing okay too, and that you know just how perfectly worthy you are just as you are. I hope you love yourself as much as you love others. Thank you for your wonderful story. It was amazing.

wowowow the way im smiling like an utter FOOL right now anon thank you so so much for this amazing review! 

perfidious was the work i published for neowritingsnet’s mythology festival back in... early 2019 i believe? i wanted to make the work a modern parallel to books 3 and 4 of virgil’s ‘aeneid’, wherein aeneas has to leave dido to fulfill his destiny; i wanted to draw on how dido felt in the book (i don’t write about su*c*de, which is how the tale of dido and aeneas ends so instead i chose to end it the way i did). in fact, the definition of perfidious is ‘untrustworthy’, derived from the latin word ‘perfide’, used by dido to describe aeneas in the epic poem. 

one of the main reasons why this fic is so close to my heart is because the emotions that y/n feels at the end of the fic are entirely ones that i myself felt when i had my heart broken. it was painful and i felt like complete and utter shit for months and months; it was a vicious cycle of self-loathing that was so difficult to break. it did all work out in the end for me (either that or the pain numbed more and more until i can’t feel it), but i wanted to make it clear that y/n was so, so hurt by taeyong’s actions. 

i’m genuinely so, so glad you enjoyed it so much, this review means the absolute world to me. i hope you’re doing well!!!

[brykisheaven]

 i didn’t want to make a post like this because i dont a pity party or anything but i have to get this out of my head before i end up bottling it up and making it worse like i’ve done before.  //tw: body shame, verbal abuse, suicide mentions, racism (small mention) , long text in general tbh//

over the past couple of months, my life at home has been completely all over the place, every day when i wake up i feel like it’s just a cycle of nothing, all i do is sit at home doing online classes and finishing massive amounts of homework, some even due the next day. my back is so tired from just sitting down and typing and it has just made me so bored and stressed out. more so these days, the only reason i even bother to do my homework is because i can also talk to my friends on discord while im doing them, which makes me slightly feel better, sometimes i even give up on doing homework just to talk to them because it gives me a better reason to wake up than just do the same thing over and over again. it’s a horrible feeling that i hate but im very thankful i have my friends to make me feel a bit better. but my situation with my parents is more worse than this and sadly my friends cannot help with it, but they also help me stay somewhat happy while this shitstorm goes down every day. my parents have been getting more and more angry towards each other also, which makes my situation even worse, my father (who doesn’t live with me anymore) is so fucking horrible and stubborn, he makes racist jokes which i hate and i always tell him how he should stop being a fucking idiot and a jerk but he wont listen and just tells me “it’s a joke” but it’s fucking not, or at least its a fucking horrible disgusting joke, alongside that, he also makes me feel like i cannot do anything, i hate being with him and i dont even see him as my father anymore, nowadays i just see him as a random man my mother makes me go with only because he’s related to me in a way. his wife is also a fucking bitch who hates the living hell out of me and my sisters, she always complains about us and how we’re “uneducated” or “bad-behaved”, well bitch guess what at least im not a fucking prick who ruins peoples lives am i??? i cant even pretend to be happy anymore, im just so done pretending to be fine with this. I just came back from staying with him and i’m just so glad im home, the 2 days i spent with him after a whole 3 months were the worst of my life basically, i pretended to do my homework just so he could leave me alone, i began crying myself to sleep while drawing because that was the only thing that made me feel better somewhat. i dont want him to even stay in contact with my mother, all the time he just argues how im doing things wrong and that my mother is a bad example and teaching me wrong things, he blames her for the reason i have a rather thick body and it makes me so mad. my mother isn’t that great either but at least she tries to understand me, unlike my father who always thinks he’s right. i cant even wear dresses or skirts because all he does is tell me how ridiculous i look and how i should be skinny like every other girl, and every time he tells me that all i do is just ignore him but when i come home, i just want to vomit until all i see is blood. i’ve stopped eating for weeks one time because of this, im too afraid to even wear anything beside jumpers because it’ll reveal what my body type is. i hate how i cant even like myself, some times i feel like i should start cutting myself or try to kill myself again because whatever i do, it’s wrong to him, maybe if i die he’ll think i did something right. what i did right was not exist isn’t it? i dont want to though because i have such good friends on here and i dont want to leave them. my friends are the one of the only few reasons i even am here anymore, if it wasn’t for them i wouldn’t even bother. i would probably just cry and hope the next day i get run over or something like that.  my father also always complains about how im doing a stupid hobby and i wont get anything out of drawing and sometimes calls me a mistake because i dont want to have a “real” job like everyone else in out family, but guess what idiot, drawing is a real job and one day i will prove it to him that this isn’t some stupid hobby, but now this has also taken a toll on my art and confidence to post any of it, im too scared to post my art because im afraid people just think it’s stupid or im annoying them by posting too much or too little.  i haven’t gotten many complaints about it but every time i post anything i overthink and worry for a while hoping they wont hate it. so far i think i’ve been getting better managing the anxiety of it but another thing that worries me is the thought people might get angry of me drawing 4 all the time.  the reason why i draw 4 so much is because she’s sort of like a comfort character to me, she was made out of my feelings and was a persona for a short amount of time, i put a lot of myself into her and i love drawing her but i worry people will get bored of seeing her all the time, so thats why i might stop posting content for a bit. 4 is something special to me, whenever i get upset or feel happy, i feel like she’s making me feel happy, it sounds stupid but 4 has helped me overcome many of my bad thoughts and feelings, she’s also one of the reasons im still trying to be happy. thats the reason why i draw her so much. and i wont stop to draw her, and im sorry if you dont like to see her so much but i will not stop to do so, if it bothers you that much please unfollow me. im so sorry i rambled for so long thank you for reading and i love you ((also to devon and soapy and mel, if you’ve read up to here, i love you guys with all my heart i love you too much thank you))  💕

[bonbonswirl-blog]

Broken

ALL THE CHARACTERS BELONG TO @brueklynn I OWN NOTHING. Because there is a character that we dont have any kind of idea about them, i will just go by 'another person' without any names or features, just a person XD i made this while having cold so it may seem a little off, try to enjoy Xd

11 pm

Behind a bar.

Thats what the letter said. Eyes lingered over the lines before the letter was lifted down to show the view of a big bar, was that really the place he was meant to visit? Only one way to find out. He entered the bar, rough paintwork that coats the door and push, shards of black paint crumble to the floor. The bar curved into a room, dark in the barely lit place, through the windows the diamonds of lead panes trickles the sallow light of street lamps. The hinges squeal as though they are a warning, but their plea is silenced by a wall of noise. Laughter overpowers the jukebox. Conversations swirl in a dirty cloud of smoke, the stagnant stench of cigarettes hides within the collaboration of mephitic odours. A sharp smell of drink wafts towards him, like black plumes bellowing from the windows of a burning house. There is even a hint of sick tainting the fragrance of the room.

He looked up and down, right and left, He cant find the sender of the letter, wait...Of course he wont! the letter said to meet Behind a bar! Now have he to find where is the back door that leads to outside. It took him long enought till he found it. trying the door knob, the heavy iron bound door swung open, revealing a wide area enclosed by a flimsy hain-link fence. The unrelenting darkness took over everthing, plucked the stars and anything that can glow, burying them beneath the sky. The air had thickened, the temperature dropped and nowhere was there a comforting sound. Trash cans leaning on the bar cracked walls, ground covered in dusty powder, what looked like a streetlight, which was the only one that isnt fully broken, flickered, casting an errie smudgy beam onto that black place. That wasnt really the...best place you could invite someone to meet you in...It was all quiet and derelict. He had the enough courgage to step forawrd, walking unusually slow, he had an odd gait, It was slightly lurching as he went, trudging along at a sedate pace. His head right and left, searching for who he was supposed to meet with, his mind focused on finding a sign of someone in this hopeless space rather than the footsteps that seemed to echo throughout the desolate yard, why didnt he just call the name to hear a respone? Maybe because it doesnt sound like a good idea to do so in this haunted place. Yet still, he kept finding his eyes diverting to something each moment he heard a low simple sound, darting to locate the source. Thats until, under those overwhelmed black shadows, and after a short stroll, he found who he was looking for, standing there uncommonly, under another bulb that lacks illumination. His boyfriend clicking his feet to the land underneath, probably out of pateince. Finally, harry found him! Walking towards his direction smiling. "Hey babe!" "harry..." "oh boy! why you gotta choose this place for a meeting? We could have gone inside the bar as usual, right?" Harry was still confused beind the sudden call at this late hour, but he didnt care. "Tonight we...not gonna drink at the bar." "uh, ok? So, why did you send this letter today? What are we going to do?" He pulled it from his pocket to show the proof. "Harry we....we need to talk." Not like this startled harry a lot, but it wasnt in an ordinary tone. "Sure! Talk away!" His boyfriend spoke with his head to the dusty ground. "You see...how both of us go together to do anything. to walk together, to talk to each other everyday, to work and help each other when in any of us in trouble, it was all nice werent it?" The sudden mention of their sweet times together was also strange. "Of course! And im glad I do all of these thing with you!" "and this is what I wanted to talk about tonight harry..." the fletcher paid his attention, waiting for his darling to start the conservation, he doesnt need to consider bad possibilties, instead he was a bit happy inside, what if those mentions were to remind the other of their constant affectionate attachment and celebrate 'something' together? That would be a lovely thing! It was tenser than a tiger who stalks a prey while harry lover peers his way to him, face resolutely unimpressed. "I think this..... relationship needs to...needs to....needs to end." Harry stopped like he had taken a bullet to the guts. The words fell on him like a storm. The cold air hitting his face.

"...What?......" He may just heard it wrong, he hoped he really did, he wished he did and this is not what his love just stated, doubt was filling him. "We need to end this harry." His boyfriend repeated, affirming his recent words. No, his hearing was right, thats what he just said... "What....W-What do you mean?!?" "What do you think I mean?" His lover raised his eyes to meet harry ones, so he would know he isnt just messing around. It took harry a while to speak again. "You dont really mean this..." "Do I look like I am joking?!?" Harry looked downward briefly. "but...But....I...I thought we loved each other..." "You Are Right!! LOVE'D'!! Its all from the past harry!!" Why would he say such a thing...his mind cycles through emotions faster than a kid flipping radio channels, he was broken. Harry couldnt accpet what is taking place, but what else is there to do? "dear you...I dont think you are in your right mind tonight..." "No!! YOU Are Not In Your Right Mind Harry!!! Didnt You See It?! This ISNT Working!!! It Never Did!! Now Go Away!!" "Wha-" "Go Away!!!" his words and his anger cut too deep that harry couldnt change the image of him. When he met his gaze his was just the same. "No" "Why Dont You Get It?! Go Away!!" "No I wont! you need to go back to your sanity!!" "Im In My Full Sanity! Just Go Away!!" "Not Until I know Whats Wrong!" "I Said GO AWAY YOU GARBAGE!!!!" Rising his fist, his hand swinging out connecting to harry face in a flash of pain. Although not on his back, harry toke a few steps back from the impact. Bewildered, pressing a pale hand to his cheeks trying to comprehend the previous seconds. Did..Did his..Did his boyfriend for the first time just....punched him?!

"You......." "I told you to go away." " I DONT UNDERSRAND YOU! WHY?! DID YOU CALL ME OUT TO THE BAR AT 11 PM JUST TO BREAK UP WITH ME?!" "yes, I Cannot keep this up any longer Harry, I needed to do it now." "Im Not Breaking Up With You Until You Tell Me The Reason!" "look At Me In The Eyes And Say You Still Dont Know The Reason!! I Dont Even Know What Got Me To Agree To Be With You!" With each little word... a piece of harry heart broke. "...how could you say this...what happened that changed you?...." "Changed Me?! YOU Changed Man!! I Kept Being Myself and Been Who I am While Keeping Our Connections Stable!! I Did Everything With And For You!! Even In Stupidest Things! And I Shouldnt Have!" "But Bab-" "I Hate You!!" "No-" "I Always Did! And I knew One day you willl hate me too!" Thats wrong. They both loved each other, they said it and showed it, all of these are just words from anger...so why all this nonsense about love and hate? Where had he gone wrong? Since when did this love turn to poison? He doesnt know what had climbed inside His beloved and turned him mad. "Stop!! YOU Need To Calm Down!" "NO!! And For The Last Time Go Away!!" "Not Until I know The Reason!!" "No You Wont Know Now Go Away" "I Already Said Not Until I know What Happened!!" "GO AWAY!" "NO!" "You Gave Me No Other Choice!!" Without thinking, harry boyfriend turned around to grab something from a near shelf. It was revealed to be a small bucket. However, when harry figured out the kind of liquid thats inside it, the intended message was already enforced, and he lost what little colour he had, starting to freak out.

"Dont you dare....." "Oh I will! I will throw all this bucket content at Your Face If You dont leave Me!!!!" The other man couldnt believe this..his lover cant do that...yes he may be out of his mind right now, but he will never have the nerve to throw some unknown chemicals straightly on his face, it was just an empty threat to leave. and all he could do was to stare lifelessly at the eyes that held that bucket and a terrifying coldness he had never seen before. He had always thought those eyes were like a gem, but looking at them now he could see no trace of the vibrancy they once held, no trace of the boy he once knew. "Darlin-" "DONT CALL ME DARLING ANYMORE!!" There was stillness on both sides, faces unreadable. "Please be back to yourself..." "Leave Me Alone! "Please!" "Your Last chance Harry....GO AWAY" "PLEASE!!" "THATS IT!" That was when the cold man lost it altogether, and the unexpected happened. In an immediate movment he launched forward, tossing all the liquid inside the bucket in an aim to harry head, although it wasnt a full success, he did strike a part of his face. Harry swore he could had saw some good memories flashing before his eyes. And whatever that scorching substance was, when it fell Againist Harry face.

He Howled

It Was Hell.

The pain had no culture, no pity, no mind, yet it consumed whatever it pleases. Its only criteria is if it can take it and reduce it to something molten and foul, paroxysm of agony triggered a guttural cry from the fluter. His hands clawed over his burning face, brutally gashed. Solvent swirls on it without any mercy, penetrating to the cells that should be protected by smooth skin but lie open. Surge of torments spirals all over him. Violent shaking forced through his whole body, with no assume of stopping. Monstrous chill continued running down his spine and made his ghostly skin crawl. Muscles going to giving up. The worst of the blood had spelled, ran freely in thick scarlet rivers amongst his whole face, staining his hair, matting them together before it soaked into his cloths and the floor. From a clear distance outside, it was like a high barking that carried well through walls and air. Lungs have no choice but to painfully and rigidly take in the chilled air around for a living breathe until they couldnt anymore. He have cried and screamed, maybe not evident, nevertheless it was as if he was calling for a help, but there was no help to come, perhaphs the strength in his voice perished. His breath taken away every second, he was in his greatest neccisity of taking an inhale.

Thats until he decided to surrender to the torturing and sink into the unfolded darkness.

He was in a heavy black cloud. Nothing to see, Nothing to hear, Nothing to feel, Just this heaviness in his whole body. He couldnt remember how to open his eyes, but when he did, he scrunched the opened one at the bright light that was sipping through his closed eyelid, in struggle he slowly opened it, desperately squinting in attempt to sharpen the blurred images before him. Pungent smell of hospital disinfect invading his nostrils. The room was silent apart from the beep beep sound you often hear in hospitals that indicates youre alive and Quiet talking. He started to sense something, or rather a material, soft but elastic tightening around his whole sore face, from chin to forehead, even one of his eyes were covered, it was very aching. When the sight of his survived eye arised, he perceived Someone bending over him, face watching his. What harry never toke notice of is that they are holding his weak hand, and that they have little tears in their eyes. The features were not clear, but it can be marked that they have a light brown hair and wearing something..blue? Harry attempted hardly to recognize who is this, but he coudnt with this wounded brain, then he heard the familiar word that assisted in that. "...Brother..." Harry tried to remember how to talk. No words came, he blinked trying to force his memory to recall the owner of this soft voice with broken tone. He was out of ability to even clear his throat. He tried to answer, to say something, but all what came out was a tiny whisper. "...augh....ma....rley?..." The other man wrapped his arms around the injured one shoulders and pulled him close, hugging him gently to not provoke the burn. "shhhhh...save your strength brother...it will be alright..." Marley had a hard time hiding his sniffs, but harry havent got enought focus to realize. His sibling tenderly patting his hand, giving a queit moment for the victim to adapt to the consciousness. Harry lie still, slowly started blinking, he wanted to see whats around him. But he cant lift anything off this deep pillow. He used the very bare left of his capability to move some little angles right and left for learing about his new surroundings. Glancing around the bright white coloured bedroom. He catched sight of someone wearing the same color for a coat, staring at him from the door. He strain to hear and makes sense of it all. No idea. Where is he and why? How long had he been here? He shut his eyes, trying to remember what had exactly occured. Then it all hits him with a bang, The memory of it all starts to occupy his thoughts, panicking he jolted up with rushing hands running at his bandages, making sure this is true, the wound hurting with every touch of his finger, he figured it all out.

He lived

He laid back in his bed, he felt powerless and heavier, Couldnt move his hands, head or bod, His eyes washed with the kind of emotion that only come when people break in ways with no way to be repaired. "Whoever did this bro...they are Not Getting Away With This!!!!" "Mr. Marley please calm down the patient is still in an unstable condition." Marley sighed, plummeting his head to the bed, holding his brother hand a bit tighter. "im sorry doctor...its just that..." He couldnt continue his sentence for some reason, instead he started a new one. "Harry...please get better...for your family...for your friends...for me...please..."

Harry spent the rest of his days in the hospital remaining still in the bed. His head eaither felt heavy or light. He lost the track of time and may needed somebody to tell him, but he never cared, he will let all the time pass without any hint of concern. He never felt that alone or empty before. Sometimes, he replay the events in his head and wonder what were the right words to say, what was it that could prevent everything, it wont change that he is all to blame. It might had been kinder to kill him than to constrain him with living beside this burn. Everytime he try to sleep and leave this living nightmare, he cant. He never had the enough hope to recover or be cured. He wont, he doesnt need, he already knows he will never get better, he will never be the same.

If only

if only...

If only he didnt go behind that bar at 11 pm.

[inhalareexhalare]

The menstrual cycle begins. I usually feel pain until the third day at most, but I can move just fine.

Slow, but with fight in it Like embers of honey

It scorches the eyes But is sweet to the palm

Did you know by the way? The faster and the hotter you heat honey, the more you reduce its nutritional value. So yes, while it has a very warm color, its temperature is usually not the same :)

2018-10-23 10:00 Philippines Tuesday

My daytime journal has been discontinued due to its tendency to take over my whole identity. I somewhat live [a double life], you could say, and I am now exploring my nighttime psyche.

This is my heartfelt "letter" to @neweresth​ (CHECK OUT neweresth IN YOUR DASHBOARD BTW IT WILL ROCK YOUR DORMANT WORLD), who inspires me to keep learning and discover my photographic sense.

True enough, this nighttime journal has been a very big compilation of crunchy insights to my deep-deep-down subconscious, which in my opinion takes a big bite off the whole pie of what makes the self.

I've been anxious about how to teach for a time now. It's like a secret calling, a secret dream that I have that I quietly—and secretly—shut off every time it resurfaces.

The reason is my ineptitude with socializing. Communication, especially verbal, has always been hard for me.

My English teachers throughout my school life (and even outside its premises) have doubted my authorship of countless papers I've written, all due to the fact that I navigate speech poorly, yet apparently write eloquently enough above my age.

That has discouraged me from honing my lesser swords. The possibility of never growing out of anything.

But that's bullshit.

I write because I love. I write because I want to communicate. Communicate!

I write for no one else other than for the truths that live inside me, and they are written for no one else but others who could do with a genuine story that cares about their beautiful and suffering minds.

I am socially inept. I am antisocial, by the world's standards. But that doesn't change what I write for.

I write to learn.

Likewise I will teach to learn.

Maybe I am bad at it. Maybe it takes talent.

But nothing good has ever touched and transformed hearts and minds other than that which has originated from those very things.

Talent is a gift indeed.

But heart even more so; it is both curse and privilege.

The pain that makes us human. The agony that teaches us what is real. The happiness that guides us to what is worth living for.

If I had all power, and all talent, all knowledge, and all beauty. If I had all riches, and all the admiration, and fame, and number of friends--

If I have not love, I am nothing.

PS I really do love movies. If you’re an aspiring writer, or a writer with fluctuating inspiration, do watch The Rewrite. Check out  1 Corinthians 13:2

“And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.” 

2018-10-23 18:07 Philippines Tuesday

"Keenness, spontaneity, and trusting the moment..."

I entered the room to discover a Thor exploring the wonders of my film-filled laptop.

I took my favorite Nuyorican Poets Cafe book to read and learn. Stepped out to the living room filled with people and stretched my legs to feel at home on the couch. I made a re-friend! :) Yana approached me and asked about the book.

I didn't know she was interested in prose and poetry! She also writes snippets here and there sometimes. I told her to collect them.

I asked for recommendations, since strangely enough, even though I like to write I don't have a wide background when it comes to poetry from the celebrated and the local poets alike.

I don't know why I didn't read them sooner.

Keep learning!

2018-10-23 19:31 Philippines Tuesday

To Karu:

Sorry for imposing on you last night. I just really do value good sleep. I don't know about you but I can't workout without it, and it also affects the general mood and brain function.

I still don't know what to do about it. Everyone seems to enjoy not sleeping at night, but I don't feel like conforming to it especially since I see its daily effects on me. You can actually join stuff like that if you like. I was thinking that we both need sleep desperately, but I realized that I might have been forcing/pressuring you to go to bed.

Though I do request to have no guests in the late night of this approaching Saturday. I'm going to need tons of energy and also an early alarm since I will be called for work (thank God they allowed me to go to church first)

(Even if I did only request it, that doesn't change what it might have felt to you. So again, I apologize if a part of you was in unease or anything.)

I love you

[25 minutes later]

I would like to kiss you all over, but that will rouse you from sleep.

I love you, and I love you to death.

2018-10-24 06:21 Philippines Wednesday

From Isla:

"My tita and tito from [the] US are here in the PH right now

"and they said im too young to be in a relationship.

"and gave this vibe like......don't be in one right now.

"i really appreciate the love and support from them ofc

"it's just....medj na-down ako lol" [I was a bit downhearted lol]

To Isla:

I'm assuming they aren't free thinkers, your aunt and uncle hahaha

They probably are right, but if you think about it that observation is only relative to an imaginary concept which is the future

In my opinion, no one is too old, and no one is too young. It's never too late, and it's never too early

There's only now, and a moment's opportunity to come to a decision

There's only now, and a moment's commitment to be true to who you are at this point in time

Only what is existent after all counts as truth :) the future is yet to happen, and both possible and unlikely

Entrusting the sense of reality to tomorrow, in other words, a question mark seems illogical to me

The BEAUTIFUL book you gave me about the deaf-mutes gave me this idea

The future is not a universal or "natural" concept

[Check out Seeing Voices by Oliver Sacks]

And the past is not more real than a memory is. And we all know how nearly inexistent memories are. That's all they are--memories.

From Isla:

"Those are beautiful thoughts. :)

"Reading it really helped me.

"I'm thankful that i have you in my life."

[An hour later]

"Did other people tell you the same thing before? if you don't mind me asking

"Have you ever been so hard on yourself one time in your life, and eventually you stopped it?

What did you do to overcome it?"

To Isla:

Personally, it takes me a continuous amount of effort to stand up against the self-hatred. Some say it's a lifelong sickness we have as humans, and it seems true to me

(also, writing heals both the writer, and hopefully the reader, so it's mutually a good thing, hopefully hahaha)

It's like the motivation to commit to a vocation

It's not natural to be motivated at every moment of your life, but we seek to make it a habit

Habits form the shape that our thoughts and feelings take. Like my nighttime anxiety. It was developed because I gained the habit of thinking that I am alone and abandoned every time these factors come together: it is nighttime, and I am physically alone

I unconsciously associate the scenery with something from the past that reminds me of a similar situation, but is actually entirely different

In fact it dates back to the time I was still very close to my mother. We still loved each other as I grew up, but not too close as to always be hugging every chance we get

It dates back to when I was a little girl of age 5 at most (since the scenes were from my Atimonan home, and we left that when I entered elementary)

Habits don't die on their own. They cannot be thrown away just like that. But, they can be replaced

If I can create a little nighttime routine, even just cue words or a little ritual, that could change a lot. I just need consistency because some nights I'm too tired and I forget to pray or to practice deep breaths and stuff. And when I find myself alone again, it starts all over; I get anxious as hell

So maybe the first step before changing your habits would be to forgive yourself

We are imperfect, at that is incurable. But we have the potential for growth, and that is at least forgivable. We can learn from our mistakes, so we shouldn't let ourselves down from them.

They are there to give us two options: give up, or try again.

Changing a habit is probably going to take more tries than my fingers can count, but hey we're still alive and breathing, so I presume Life is willing to give us as many chances as we need in a lifetime

Failure is unfortunate, but failure is an important mark of what truly matters to you.

If it's worth more than the self-obsessive need to be successful, and if it means your life and your calling and a better world, it's at least worth trying again, no? :)

When people bring you down, they could be there for a good reason, and that's not to bring you down. Maybe that's hardly what they wanted to do in the first place.

We need to learn to assert our own beliefs and stand up to them. Maybe they think it's all just a whim because they don't understand yet how it matters to you, and what it means to grow up.

Growing up means making mistakes (your relationship is not necessarily a mistake haha), getting up, and learning something new.

Learning something new always requires a new experience.

Learning something new always means stepping out of your comfort zone and into unknown territory.

If you end up hurt, that's fine, we're here for you. What's important is that the lessons are not lost. What you learn is what you grow out into.

So don't ever stop learning. :)

Learn to stand up for what you believe in.

Don't be afraid to share what you have learned!

But never impose beyond your personal right to live. Nothing teaches an individual more than a personal experience.

We each take our own paths, and each take our own lessons in life, in forms that we are ready to understand.

And if advice or conversation cannot help your case with them, then you've done your part.

All you need to do is live your life and live it honestly enough for it to speak for itself

2018-10-24 07:00 Philippines Wednesday

[rennyji]

about party schools and proof and effect of their reputation...

May 27th tweets...

The reputed party school wants to spend 11 years wondering why “I don’t go out” in the sense of bars/partying. For their personalities or the kids they’re used to, from the low grade requirements for their school(nothing against anyone for getting admission there), -

-I suppose it’s to be expected. With my grades at Iona Prep High School, I had scholarships with free laptops at some decent private schools. But I chose to go to the Harvard of the SUNY’s: Binghamton University. -

-I transferred out, because I wanted a fresh start with a new major, late in my academic career, after an attempt at electricalEngineering. The only place that’d take me is a reputed party school. Theyre probably like F* you in reading this, but being the truth, it’s undeniable.-

-And at that point in my academic career, I thought, what's in a name to a school or its reputation. But look what happens when you go to some places. Leaving Binghamton was the worst decision for so many normal/abnormal reasons. -

- i mean, for one thing, your grades reflect on the kind of person you are. it can say your hard working, or equally smart but just want to take it easy and do things like party and alcohol and drugs all day. but different story, moving on...-

-I used to spend a lot of time in computer science lounge and in the faculty department common room, at said party school. Despite me being there almost everyday, and at the Starbucks in Colonie, NY for networking, where this location is at the center of multiple Universities,-

-the professors who had a role in this, sided with random kids they don’t see in that area often. I guess it’s because they partied and I studied. “Sided “in that they listened to random kids who don’t know me, rather than talk to the guy in their vicinity on a daily basis. -

-Such is the reputed party school. While in the common area, I heard one of their professors say, they take as many kids from a local community college: Hudson Valley, to boost their graduation rates. -

-I guess they don’t get the kids they need for that in normal admissions at a reputed party school. As I hear them talking sometimes, while making me look crazy for it, you should have heard their astonishment at the Binghamton common computer area in comparison to what they-

-have at their reputed party school. It says a lot about reputations. The orchestrators try to make it seem like, the way I am in a ridiculous situation(probably filmed or the equivalent all day), while living with my parents, is how I am. -

- They’ve been doing this for 11 years, after robbing me of my opportunities for 11 years. I had a life before this, and I intend to continue to, after, with my own network, family, etc, away from these orchestrators and their craziness.-

- &another thing, regarding the party school, think im just saying things? check the books. and are their graduates or students going to get mad at me, despite the school's clear role and for calling the students equally smart, a number of tweets ago? well, oops, OK..moving on.-

moving onto addressing something else...-

-The orchestrators are always misusing people under the pretense that I’m a picked on kid. I’m a successful, grown man. -

-Not because I’m conceited,  but from life experience, I wrote 11 yrs ago: “I’m not the last person people harass, but I’m also far from the first.” When it happens, with my image (while chubby, and not handsome now), I know somethings up. -

-Try me, and be direct about it, rather than do something ridiculous from afar. I don’t waste time on idiots. -

-The orchestrators perpetuate and take part, and make official and global, a small rumor of a girl I don’t know or knows me (or her misguided teenage friends who also don’t know me nor do I know them-big theme in this, with all involved) from 11 years ago.-

-The only thing that ever harmed me, abused me, or robbed me of health and opportunities, is the orchestrators. -

-Teenage kids have no power. Whatever effect they have dies down. It takes something big or reputable (like adults of a particular standing) to give their ideology power. -

-These adults...I don’t know them, they don’t know me...I don’t understand their 11 year project/vendetta/-whatever this massive lie is, against me. Maybe it started with just wanting to make money off of me and my life and my lifestyle. -

-In trying to address this 11 year problem, my true focus: my career, gets hidden, and you end up thinking I’m taking part, or after the cr*p-ola of the orchestrators. I’m big on what’s natural. -

-Anywho, I wrote this 1st in the “Notes app” on my iPhone yesterday, to publish on Twitter & tumbler today, in case I forgot. - in case todays posting was seen earlier...think it happens to emails sent to myself and other things...-

-Focus on what’s 4 each day on Twitter &tumbler, despite what cannot be helped i.e. the random relaying of everything @ any time, since no 1 helps me stop it by talking 2 me. Imagine what would happen if you told me-the power to save myself...what a great thing you'd be doing...

about that party school? before things escalated, as soon as I noticed the potential for a problem behind a situation occurring without telling me, I went to their Conflict Resolution office at their school and told them about my concerns and what I noticed-

- the next day, the guy that spoke to me, walks in a different direction, from a small distance, forces a head turn, and gives me a retarded smile. -

-Despite my "reporting things" like one does to the police in the face of a problem, that school went crazy against me on the day of my 2012 finals. can you imagine a school allowed to go nuts on the day of a student's final exams? -

-once again, goes back to the talk about reputations from several tweets ago - this morning. Ur reputation is who you are and reflects in your actions...and here we're dealing with a reputed party school...while they slander my reputation by putting me in retarded predicaments.-

- so many bad experiences with students and faculty at that school...in the first dorm suite i lived in, 5 guys pushed me into my room for pushing them back alone, by myself, for telling them to pitch in cleaning-

-&one of them - a stupid fraternity idiot - rushed to tell on me, saying i punched him. in a part time job, i told  the guy i was working w/to teach me the trade or get the phone in my cubicle working in an area with no cell reception. he just responds nastily and it culminates-

- on another occassion, i locked myself out of my room in a different dorm suite, b4 going to my next part time job, which was in their down town. took the highway to get there. went to the faculty and told them my problem - that i had work, can't be late, need to get in my room-

-they tell me that i have to wait 2 hours b/c that's when their services are officially available. what if it was class & i needed my backpack? when they eventually agreed 2 help me, the woman i was speaking with, probably saw me going to my dorm building, -

-& she drives around &past me w/a nasty look to spite me 4asking them, when saying she'll go to my room and unlock it. when i think i went back to their office &told them about it, she claims she went to my building &waited, but i didn't show up. i saw her drive in a circle.

- and that second part time job...to prove myself useful when things weren't busy with a computer job, i would, alone, move big shelves, i think desks, &other furniture, down a floor or two. It was a gesture on my part after hearing them talk about no one clearing their office-

-after the things i did for them, i emailed them if they knew anything about this, &never a response. -

this is the party school now wondering about why i'm not out, socializing, getting laid all day/everyday, hitting the bars, or whatever. To the orchestrators: leave my life alone. They're so much proof to all this...i guess amidst everything else, maybe they can see memories...-

- i mean would it kill these people to go the conventional route and use a lie detector with all involved? It's so easy to clear this up. Based on what I truly want for my life, all of this is a mess.

- based on tech they use, in claiming 2 help me(when i need no help aside from telling me whats happening), they try to justify lies 2slander me or try to get me 2write all day. They perpetuate nonsense 2get me 2write, 2 I guess, see if they can predict it-to put it another way.

and going back to conflict resolution at the party school? there was one thing i forgot to mention. not only did he allow this to transpire without telling me. -

-on the day of my exams, when the sounds projected 2 me, made threats 2 a relative of mine, there, by saying "maybe we should help him too", I called Conflict Resolution @ party school several times. They wouldn't pick up. I think I left messages, but no call back. -

- in the face of harassment, threats, evolving to what it is today, under a false impression by people of power, such is the party school.

- U gotta wonder amidst yrs of this mental strain, especially at party school, where was cr*p flowery Amerian psychology/counseling system, what was the school's Conflict Resolution doing. -

-at that party school, failures all around..at the time I was there, academic departments were closing like i think their French department. but whatever. orchestrators are people in power, parading as those of quality, when they're not. 11 years of torture attest to that.

and one normal tweet for when we can move past this...-

love the @onepeloton (peloton). love #leannehainsby (cycling trainer) for her appearance, personality, and training.