Tumgik
#i cannot do this anymore. not even a little bit
pyfsan · 3 days
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Your taste on my lips
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pairing: bf!jake x fem!reader
genre: smut (minors DNI)
synopsis: no plot, just reader and her bf jake fucking and being dirty
wc: 1k
warnings: rough sex (just at the beginning) mention of bruises, cum eating, oral (m receiving), face fucking, fingering, a bit of dirty talk (jake is chalant), also jake is a whimper. i think that's everything
note: this is the first time I'm writing in English and I'm not a native speaker so there will be grammar mistakes so just read past it..... and be patient
smut under the cut
The thing is... jake doesn't know the time to stop. To the point you have to yell at him that you need to breathe a little, or even that it's hurting. He gets so drunk in the feeling that his senses become nothing and he can't hear for shit. But once your voice comes tearing through his ears he just completely freezes in place, looking at you with both eyes wide open.
"I'm sorry babe, did i hurt you?" He asks, soft voice as he runs his hands on the skin your legs, soothing you down.
"Just... go less rough, it'll bruise me later" you say back, trying to recover your breath.
"I'll kiss the bruise away, don't worry" he says cockingly and you slap his arm
"I'm being serious, your cock will tear me apart if you don't slow down" you hiss back and he kisses your neck picking up his pace again, but being much more gentle.
He buries his face in the curve of your neck, licking and sucking your skin just to compensate the steady pace he set himself, almost like to control his impulses. It makes you moan as his mouth keeps working on your sensitive skin and it gets even harder when jake goes down to bite and suck your nipples. He's actually unable to keep his pretty mouth empty, always having his puffy lips on your breasts, neck, pussy or even ass. He doesn't care as longs as his tongue is busy with your body.
Jake ends up caught in the heat all over again but now it doesn't hurt anymore so when his pace increases crazy hard all you manage to do is moan and dig your nails on his arms. You feel the moment he can't control his mouth around your nipple anymore, leaving his lips parted over your skin as he drools, feeling dizzy from how your pussy clenchs around his cock, milking him until he is moaning nonstop. He cannot cum inside you, you have agreed to don't do that so jake is almost fainting trying to hold his orgasm as long as he can. But he's losing this time so he pulls out of you to cum over your belly, dropping the most pornographic whimpers to your ears. You don't think for even a second before leading your hand to the mess he's made on you and picking his cum with your fingers. Jake watches you with his face high as you sink your dirty fingers into your mouth to taste him.
"Now you'll have to do that to my cock" he says, picking your cheeks with one of his hands to bring your face to his, kissing your wet lips.
"But will you let me fuck myself while i suck you off?" you plea, dolled eyes shining under your dark lashes, jake almost let out a moan as he hear you say those words. He can't believe you're so dirty like this for him.
"I can do that for you, babe" he'll say back, with his fingers running down to your wet core. You sigh when he finds your clit and presses it, rubbing gently first.
His cock starting to get hard again by the feeling of you under his fingers, so wet for him. Even thou he loves you so much and find it so endearing the way you cannot take your eyes away from his face while you fuck, jake himself likes to spend time looking over your body and the way it moves under his touch. So as he rubs your pussy, he watches the way you lift your leg a bit more, the way your stomach moves faster as your breathe gets faster and how your tits bounces a little when he starts fingering you. The whole thing is just pure magic for him. When jake notice, he's hard as fuck again, rocking his hips on your leg to get some release before sitting above your stomach to put it in your mouth.
You part your lips open, receiving his weight on your tongue and then swallowing as much as possible. Jake is no monster cock but he's no near little either, so you find yourself fighting for air anyways everytime you give him head. To your liking, jake already knows how you prefer doing it so he just starts fucking your mouth immediately, getting a little sloppy with his fingers on your pussy but you don't even mind it. Seeing the way he loses himself inside your mouth little by little is the best part. He grabs you neck using his free hand and just rolls his hips into your face nonstop, causing wet sounds to scape your mouth which is full of him. Once again he's whimpering and sighing, closing his eyes so tight he starts seeing white spots.
"Oh my god, i want to fuck that pretty mouth everyday" he starts babbling, head thrown back and eyes shut and you watch as he does his best to continue to massage your clit "I'm gonna fill your mouth with my cum, do you like it?" he says now looking back at you seeing you blink as an answer since you cannot talk right now. "you're so hot, fuck" he just goes back to babbling before he cums deep in your throat. He stops his hands on your pussy for a moment, lost in his senses, holding your head with both hands to keep you in place through his orgasm.
You do your best to breath by your nose, focusing to not choke on his sensitive cock. Jake pulls out and sits back on your lap eyes glued on your face.
"Let me see it" he asks touching your chin with his index finger so you open your mouth enough for him to see his cum all over your tongue and throat. Your boyfriend smiles with pride and closes your mouth "now swallow it for me, babe" he tells you and so you do, then he leans in to lend a kiss on your lips.
"I'm gonna make you cum now" he just says, brushing his nose over yours.
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lialuvsaven · 1 day
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Pairing: Aventurine x reader
Tw: none, he's just skittish but that's understandable. Might have grammatical mistakes but English isn't my first language so whatever. The « » words are supposed to be the avgin dialect okok that's all
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"Will you teach me how to speak the Avgin dialect?"
Aventurine nearly splutters out the sip of wine he was about to drink, and you observe as his whole body subtly jerks — trying to figure out if he misheard you or not.
Blink.
Blink.
Blink.
And yet, the only expression he sees on your face is a little smile, a hint of curiosity and optimism in those lovely eyes of yours. For some reason, he can't find it in him to appreciate that look this time.
"And why is that?" The tone of his voice is reserved, calculated, and for a millisecond, you are reminded of your job: meetings, negotiations and transaction. The air suddenly feels thicker, and although he maintains his usual smile, there's a subtle shift that suggests it may not be as genuine as it was moments ago.
"Because I….want to understand you?" You naively respond, unaware of the warnings you're triggering in his head, unaware of the amount of bells ringing in his ears. The red alarms flashing in front of his eyes are bright, and they blind him to everything else, drowning out your silhouette until he can't make out your face as a familiar one.
All he's seeing is red, red of a warning bell, red of sunset and endings, red of blood and—
"I'm not sure why you even thought that would be a good idea" a small chuckle leaves his mouth, and he shifts a little on the couch in an attempt to regain his belongings.
"After all, I don't even speak it anymore— a dead language is not something you'd benefit from learning."
"But I am a linguist" You counter, huffing a bit. "I wouldn't think a language is “less beneficial” just because it's dead. Besides, Sigonian isn't a dead language, and neither is the Avgin dialect. You are here, and you speak it."
Blink.
"What?" Aventurine grows defensive, and he shifts in his seat again; only a little. It's not okay to let others know of your discomfort, you cannot show your weaknesses. Luckily, you don't notice, and he continues carefully.
"I don't speak it— what are you saying? How could I possibly use that language?"
He picks his sentences with caution, leaving half of it up in the air for you to interpret. He can't bring himself to finish it— he can't use it when everyone else who spoke of it is presumably dead. That would only result in another restless night of futile attempts at subduing the void in his heart. Just because he knows it, doesn't mean he likes to think of it.
Aventurine does not like to remember the fact that he's the only one left of the Avgins, even though the cosmos is merciless in its reminders.
"You do speak it!!" You insist, and look into his eyes, and his eyes almost make you forget the rest of your sentence. "—You say things under your breath. When things go south, or when your catcakes do something super adorable and you can't hold a grin on your face. I've seen you multiple times, talking to yourself in an unfamiliar language. It is your mother tongue, is it not?"
Ah.
The words that escape your lips are curling into itself, flickering through the corners of his mind. I've seen you multiple times. Multiple times. Multiple times. Talking to yourself. To yourself. To yourself.
His mother tongue.
Oh, how he wishes he could talk to someone else, how he longs to talk to another Avgin in his mother tongue— in their mother tongue.
"Do I do that?" He inquires, and you affirm, still wearing a smile. Both of you have been smiling at each other, but only one of you is clawing through the walls of their mind trying their best not to leave the room right this moment. You're not an adversary, he reminds himself. You're not an enemy.
"I can't teach you that." He stares in an unusually cold tone, sending shivers down your spine. A tone Aventurine reserves for when a business deal has gone wry, for when he needs to put on his best performance and come back at the top. Unfortunately, this means there's no room for you to argue, no negotiations, no nothing.
You realize a bit too late that you've made him uncomfortable.
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"I'm sorry" Apologies keep flowing from your mouth, but Aventurine can barely hear them. All he knows is the warning bells in his ears are growing fainter, and you are once more becoming recognizable, the blur in your face diminishing by the second.
"It's okay," he laughs softly, ruffling your hair to dispel the gloom on your face.
"I don't remember much anyway- I can't teach you anything meaningful, you know? I think Tanti or any of the likes would do much better for your next research material than my native language. We have a reputation across the cosmos anyway, that language can't be intriguing to people."
"Huh?" You tilt your head in confusion, "I'm not going to write a paper on it though???"
"Then what did you want to learn it for?"
"Did you not hear me? I said I wanted to get to know you better."
The feeling of discomfort is back with that, and Aventurine finds himself trying to figure out how to come up with a valid excuse to end the conversation. If he isn't careful, you'll catch on. And if you catch on, you'll keep insisting on trying to understand him, to mend your mistakes and to avoid something similar in future. Then, he'd simply have to cut you off before you go too far. And he'd rather not cut you off and keep you by his side. Yes please, thanks.
You speak once more, but this time you avert your gaze from his eyes and focus on the soft carpet beneath your feet. "If you're not comfortable teaching me, I won't insist. I apologize if I overstepped. I want you to know that my intentions were not malicious. I simply wanted to learn your language so that we could converse in it, and I'm open to sharing my own language with you if you're interested."
Ah. You've now started to speak with more formal and eloquent words than usual, a habit Aventurine has picked up on thanks to observing you for so many years. You always do that when nervous, along with averting eye contact- and you're now anxious.
"it's okay," he reassures you again. "I know what you mean. So no need to worry, hm?"
His words seem to have given you a confidence boost, because your next words catch him off guard again.
"Also, I found your language to be quite beautiful."
"....Beautiful?"
"Yes," you gesture with your hands as you continue, "it's very melodious, you know? I'm familiar with the Sigonian language, as it was one of the languages I studied during my major. However, the Avgin dialect sounds... different. Of course, you're a very quiet mumbler—obviously— and I couldn't understand much- but I've realized that the Avgin is not only is not only significantly different from standard Sigonian, but it also has a much sweeter sound. As a linguist, it's disheartening to think that this sweetness has gone unnoticed by the world."
The initial panic has completely dissipated for Aventurine, replaced by a sadness even he can't place what for. He has half a mind to laugh, and tell you that his people were sweet too, but no one cared for that either. He wants to say of course it sounded sweeter, the standard Sigonian had always been dry and lacking the warmth, any Avgin would agree with you. And yet, he dares not let the dam loose.
Instead of voicing his thoughts, he decides to observe you, as the ringing in his ears has now completely silenced. The you in front of his eyes is meek, likely because you've assumed you overstepped and made him upset. He hates seeing that expression on you: truly, especially when you shouldn't have to feel that guilt. He knows you well enough to know you're not lying, and for a split second— he entertains the idea of sharing the sweetness of his language with you, to have someone else who can understand his tongue.
He decides it's not an entirely uncomfortable thought.
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It has been a few weeks since he agreed to teach you the Avgin dialect, and he still finds it surprising that he made that decision. Everything related to the Avgins and their culture is dear to him, including his people, his family, and of course, kakavasha; he protects them with all of his being. However, for some reason, he has chosen to share this delicate and intimate part of himself with you. After all, he is the last known surviving Avgin—this is more than personal; it's his mother tongue, for goodness' sake!
You've proven yourself to be a very very dedicated student, absorbing every piece of information he imparts like a sponge. Aventurine is unsure of how to teach you, as he himself is losing touch with his language thanks to not speaking it for years. Because of you, he now thinks more in Avgin and realizes how much he thought he had forgotten but still remembered, and how much he thought he remembered but had forgotten.
But it's nice, to be greeted in his language whenever you two come across each other. You're still cheerful and sparkling as before, but now you can greet him in his language. «Hello, how's your day going!!!» You ask him each time, with that accent and broken words that makes you sound childish more than anything. But Aventurine could care less about that; he's quick to greet you back each time, adding a new word so you learn something from each interaction.
You've told him that he's much much more expressive whenever speaking Avgin, but he tries not to think about it.
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"Manro means bread," Aventurine informs you, observing quietly as you eagerly jot it down in your notepad. "I quite like the feel of pen and paper," you told him once, and he still can't comprehend why that's preferable to typing on a screen instead.
"Mañro?" you repeat, and he has to conceal an affectionate smile at your accent. It's unfamiliar and odd, but not disliked. Never disliked.
"Manro." He corrects, and you get it down this time.
"So….«manro» means bread and you said…«pani» meant water? So let's say I wanna talk about my lunch….«I water with bread eat?» Is that how you say it?"
Aventurine purses his lips, trying to appear serious. "No, it's «I ate bread with water.» But what's with that meal choice? That can't be good for you."
You only huff in response, "hey— I'm still learning okay!! How do you say wine?"
"Mol"
"Mol— how about wanting to drink or taste?"
Aventurine raises an eyebrow, "Zumavel"
"Okok. So…. «I want to taste wine really bad. Might die.»"
Aventurine snickers at that, turning his gaze away to avoid receiving another punch from you. Despite the fact that you've opted for this inefficient learning method—since he can't provide proper grammar lessons—the sentences you're coming up with are hilarious.
"Not quite. It's «I want to drink wine so bad that I might die»" he corrects you again, and you let out an embarrassed laugh to write the correct structure down. You've promised him you'll figure out the grammatical structure and everything to him after all. And he can't say he's not hoping you actually will.
"How do you say eye?"
"Just like how you say in standard Sigonian"
"Ohhh….I've noticed that body part names are usually unchanged in the Avgin dialect. How about warmth?"
"We call it tato" he smiles at you, and your cheeks tint the faintest hue of pink as you look away.
"«Your eyes—»" you purse your lips, thinking hard to form the structure "«-Are warm right now. Very warm.»"
Aventurine's eyes widen, and for a moment he's speechless; unable to comprehend how and why. But you're blushing, and playing with the hem of your shirt, which means at the very least you aren't lying.
«I'm afraid you've become my heart» He says under his breath, the words escaping his mouth before he can even stop them. It tastes sweet in his tongue, memories of a time long gone resurfacing. He didn't even remember that saying, up until now. And now, he has a little more understanding of how sweet his mother tongue really is.
"What does that mean?" You ask him, and he merely smiles at that.
"Nothing. I just said thank you."
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A/N : gah I'm sorry for that word vomit I can't stop thinking about it....like one been thinking for months about his language and what it might mean for him now that he's (presumably) the only avgin left. My mother tongue has PLENTY of dialects, and there are certain ones that are totally different from the standard (I don't understand some of those) so I kind of projected....and other than that I hope it wasn't too bad omg
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oKAY BUT CUBS OBSESSION WITH SCAR IS SOMETHING NO ONE CAN BREAK- THE I D E A S- (also hi sculk scar anon again :3)
1: Cub Totally uses Scar as a basis for spite specifically! Or at least Scar level spite (then you get Grian level instigation, Doc level revenge, aaaand honestly Cub uses himself as a Knows It level to see how others vary on what they know like parkour and different mechanics for it in the Labyrinths case - everyone elses mini games and businesses are enough data on their own, talkings just a bonus)
2: Cub had to lock himself away, listen to the Songs of the Vex and later the Sculk, when Grian was soulbound to Scar. Already Grian was connected to Mumbo, Grian already was paired up! Scar was *His* proven and Earned soulhalf- Sometimes he can only be brought out of his jealousy by the Vex, other times he calls Scar over and covers absolutely Covers Scar in jewelry while looking at their shared earring/necklace/ring/piercing. They may not have the Cathedral anymore but hell if Cub didn't know how to make Scar feel like an altar, worshipped and made *perfect*.
3: Though course connected as they are, Cub is near by, watches, listens, plans, *lives* near Scar in ways the other Hermits could never even Attempt. But Scars version? It's Being. Cub is near by? Scar slows, stops, flies predictably. Cubs watching? He becomes more animated, smiley, putting on a him sized puppet show for Cub. He's listening to Scar? More inflection, tone, stylized pacing- ends some stories as "For the one and only, Cubfan!" Planning is Inevitable for those two. Living?
They are Vex. They have always been before and after. Even Watchers look on, envious of the Connection eyes cannot achieve.
...aNYWAY- Hope yall like it :D (need more convex crumbs I am Dying)
1: Yep. Definitely. Scar spites, and holds grudges, and gives his friends the cold shoulder like no one else. But never towards Cub. They’re not sure if it’s a vex thing, but Vex definitely hold grudges, so it’s probably part of it
2: ooooh yess. Cub would definitely be at least a little bit jealous and begrudging of Grian for being Scar’s soulmate, and respond by treating Scar even better than usual. For so many reasons. A: how the other soulmate pairs get to act around each other without anyone questioning. He and Scar are happy to be close and affectionate in private, but being able to do that more publicly without the other players teasing them for it? Yes. Cub needs that.
b: he’s heard Scar’s stories of Grian being distant and rude and then later cheating in Scar. He knows Scar just wants an ally who cares for him. Grian has a chance to be as friendly and excited and caring with Scar as he is in Hermitcraft and he’s blowing it completely. (Which also made Cub wonder if Grian was faking it in Hermitcraft) C: one of my headcanons is that during Double Life, Cub ALSO feels the Scar and Grian’s injuries (but as phantom pain), even stronger than usual. And then Grian saying how Scar’s always getting hurt when he really isn’t. And Cub can’t quite understand Grian’s problem.
Also, on the same point, I want to know more about this Song of the Vex. I love it. Clearly it’s something that calms vexlings down, perhaps something only vexlings can hear. And maybe allays as well, and the allays are either calmed by it, or it makes them act up. And other players are really confused. I can imagine a lot of humming, no real lyrics. But a lot of pent of emotion. And now that’s led me to a thought that Vex - and Vexlings - hum when they’re happy. Like the equivalent of cats purring.
3: Scar putting on a show of normal everyday things whenever Cub’s around? Yes. So much yes. Anything he can to make Cub’s day that little bit brighter. And when Cub’s in a conversation with other hermits, Scar sometimes appears behind and Cub’ll be left trying to explain Scar’s antics. And he never quite can explain how Scar made him laugh in a way that the other hermits understand. In the same way neither of them can explain how they understand their secret non-verbal language of tiny movements, or what any particular movement means. They just have that connection with each other. Is it the Vex? Probably. Are they in love with each other? Only in a QPR way. But would they exchange that feeling for anything else? Absolutely not.
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iinoyb · 1 day
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Hello can I offer you an omegaverse arranged marriage Techno/Ranboo AU in these trying times?
Ranboo is the prince of a kingdom, heir to the throne. He is also an alpha. The rules of this country are that a royal cannot claim the crown before they have a mate, which in noble circles usually happens from the age of 20 upward, with most being mated by the age of 25 or so. They're often arranged marriages, with the omega getting little say in the matter.
Ranboo's parents died when he was younger. He has a capable regent who has been leading the country with his input, but as he turns 20 he is eager to get a mate so he can get the throne.
As is custom, a bunch of nobleborn omegas who are unmated are brought to parade in front of Ranboo, each hoping to win his favor and be the future queen of the country. Ranboo tells himself that he has little interest in who his mate is (normally his parents would pick for him anyway, Ranboo hates the decision anxiety), as he's more concerned with the whole coronation thing.
Until his eyes fall on an omega who stands out a little from the rest.
The omega in question is probably the oldest there at 24 years of age. He is tall for an omega (though still several inches shorter than Ranboo), more muscled than omegas usually are (though it doesn't completely hide the more curved, soft edges of the typical omega physique). He has scars, and long pink hair in a half-updo with braids, and he is wearing a long, red dress with details of lace, a bodice that hugs his chest a little too tight, and a high slit in the side that reveals maybe a bit too much of those powerful thighs that could crush Ranboo's head like a grape.
Ranboo might be an alpha but this poor guy is whipped.
So he has an instant interest, that only heightens as he interacts with the omega and gets to experience that dry wit, the clever mind, the spirited nature. He has non-traditional hobbies for an omega: horseback riding, archery, sword fighting. This is an omega unlike any Ranboo has ever met. One that isn't looking to bow down to an alpha ruler.
Obviously, not all omegas are completely submissive, but in the noble cirlces most omegas are raised on more traditional values. So this one is an outlier.
His name is Techno from house Blade.
Ranboo's advisors try to disuade him from the match. They say there are some nasty rumors about Techno. Common belief is that Techno was mated at age 18 like most omegas are, to a young alpha from a noble family. The alpha in question was a not good person though, and a not good mate. He was abusive, and evil, and wanted his omega to be a sex slave but nothing more.
Rumor has it that Techno snapped and killed the alpha when he couldn't stand it anymore.
(Rumor would be correct.)
The matter was more or less swept under the rug, but no other alpha would consider giving Techno a second look. A lot of them were scared to end the same as Techno's original mate. Others didn't bother with an omega who wasn't a virgin anymore, who had been bitten and marked and soiled by another alpha once. Others were disgusted and turned off by the idea of a mate who was so independant and not submissive. And maybe a very few actually were traditional enough to believe that omegas really should be just sex slaves, so they weren't keen on Techno either.
But Ranboo has decided. This is the omega he wants. He's sold. Head over heels, "mommy? sorry.... mommy?" vibes.
The marriage is arranged (and slightly against Techno's will initially) though Ranboo knows that he wants to do right by Techno and win his trust, slowly peeling back layer by layer, and showing Techno how nice it can be to have a good mate.
And hey, maybe eventually Techno even trusts him enough to show his softer, submissive side. Because trust me Techno definitely has one ;)
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ari-kari · 7 months
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In honor of me finally deciding to relearn to draw - my most tolerable fan works from 2023.
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voidimp · 3 months
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maybe now that i have adhd meds i can attempt Language again
#i mean ok i had them before but different ones & they didnt work. but i think what im on now is what i was on in hs & those Did work#(& then i stopped bc i was like well i am not in school anymore i dont need these. & then. i moved out. and oops i do need them actually)#(unfortunately due to the adhd & also my medical records having gone fucking missing somehow(???) it um. took a while)#but ough i must learn words......... i just need to Actually set aside time for it . and like keep a fucking notebook im not making the#mistake i made with french where i start out like oh this is easy :) & then it gets harder but i havent been taking any notes & now idk How#& so i just give up. we are not doing that this time we are taking notes From The Start and figuring out what works .#but...... probably not this month. this month is Busy. maybe august..........#thats actually a little bit of a lie bc i Have already started theres a podcast w some basics that i have on my work mp3 player#buuuut its been a minute & also Because i only listen to it at work im not really able to pick up on everything. so im basically still#kind of starting from scratch lmao.#honestly my biggest complaint w the podcast is that like. while it does have a sheet w the translations it doesnt have Pronunciation & bc i#have auditory processing issues i cant actually figure out How they are saying certain words just by hearing them.... bc i dont know that im#actually hearing them Correctly. fucking cannot identify sounds disorder killing me over here#doesnt help that its a language where pronunciation is Quite Different than english lmao......#i did find a pronunciation cheat sheet online somewhere & i . bookmarked it? downloaded it? sent myself a link on discord? fuck idr#but i also dont know if theres significant differences in dialect between the two. idk what dialect the cheat sheet was even made.. for? in?#whatever ykwim its 6:30am i need to sleep
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hella1975 · 1 year
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tbf i really deserved to lose that poll im stupid af
#i need to come off the pill it’s not funny anymore 😂🙏🏼#like it was already hard getting myself motivated for a degree i hate and then there’s the adhd shit on top of that#which is literally the productivity killer but now the pill on top of all that has just taken any fear factor i might have had#like i don’t feel anything I’m not nervous there’s no concept of repurcussions in my mind#and it’s meant I’ve basically hardly fucking studied and it’s entirely my fault and im GOING to fail#like you cannot walk into a uni exam with the barebones knowledge i have and still pass you just can’t#like i spent all of yesterday trying to study and i didn’t get anything fucking done until 11pm#when I did like. a solid hour. that’s it#and it’s so frustrating bc it’s like well why didn’t you just study#and im like i CANT it’s like an actual physical block stopping me#and ik thats the adhd but I could handle it before I knew if I left it last minute the panic would set in and I’d be suddenly productive#but now? nothing#i just don’t feel anything ever and haven’t since literally march#and even that the only reason i remember it as march so vividly is bc i had a fucking depressive episode#physically the pill has done bits but it’s shredded the little mental stability i had and now we’re here and I’m failing my stupid degree#even now it’s like. why am I on tumblr. the exam is in 1.5 hours. i have so much to do bc i did nothing yesterday#and instead of me feeling panic or guilty or ANYTHING?#nothing. just absolutely nothing it’s like im not even here#hella goes to uni
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cringefailfagcat · 7 months
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the way one of my friends offered to get people drinks. one of the others asked for a rum and coke, so i asked for a vodka lemonade n then they stood right behind me and went 'is olive allowed to drink?' it killed something inside me a little bit. like i wasn't episoding i've been responsible about my drinking recently don't take away my autonomy when i'm capable of looking after myself please. i know i barely can but don't. don't make this one of the few things people will actually talk to me for
#sorry but i just feel so isolated in the friend group#like no-one's leaving me out its just everyone is coupled up and the only other single people are in a qpr and go home together to watch#korra everytime we hang out and it kills that i'm the only one who has to go and be alone. everyone else skips off all happy and i'm left#to go back to my little den of depression and fight through the panic abandonment response that i get every time i leave them#but if i isolate myself completely i will be even worse. my therapist told me to make myself socialise as much as i can and i've been tryin#and it's usually alright for most of the time when we're together. like nice even if its heartbreakingly lonely and i dont have the spoons#to contribute consistently to conversations#vent#sorry i'm just. i feel like i'm falling apart slowly#catching bits as they fall and shoving them back into me but still deteriorating faster than i can fix myself#i want to stop.#i can't be a human anymore#i can study and live in literature but i cannot be human#i can't be loved.#i just want to beg one of my tutors to let me camp out in their office for a few hours so they can help me somehow do my essay#like. i can't do it on my own. i can't think enough to scrape up my memory of the books i'm writing about#and i don't have time to reread them to find quotes#i just. want to be a cat hiding under people's tables with the occasional pet from people who are kind enough to like my type of creature#but be left to sleep and do what i need to at my own pace#is that really so much to ask? can i become smaller please. take away this body of mine and give me something that fits the shape of me
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skinnymeanfaggot · 11 months
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also
#im making huge huge changes in my life and i think the next logical step would be to cut off jamie. ive already been ghosting him but thats#just me avoiding the problem. i just like. it feels fucked to be like hey i told you i was ok with what you did but i Changed my mind#i just think like. i have next to no contact with him and i feel fucking fantastic. we talk like every couple months on the rare occurrence#he can text and then i answer in vague short sentences and ghost. and now that i finally have firm boundaries with him and havent engaged#with him sexually its like. i feel like basically all my ties are cut. and i feel like im ready to let go for the first time. like ive#always felt like i just wasnt ready but now i like i Am ready its just a matter of like. doing it. thats difficult. even though i know hell#accept it because hes matured. and like. idk. i think its fine like this#and idk i think its fine like this. being the absolute barest form of acquaintances. i cannot stress how little we interact and how little#affect he has on my life at this point outside of what happened in the past. like i am in a good place he is 99% cut off i just need to do#the last bit. but like also fuck. you know. its hard to kinda finish it off. and its also like ooh it would hurt his feelings but now i#fucking. dont care lol. after everything. with blue i realize every day just how much more respected i feel and less gross and shitty#even with being jamies friend which we never were because whenever i was single we were sexual. i just felt bad. i never wanted to fuck#either. and he would say he loved me and id be like hahaha yeahhhh and now that ive finally drawn that boundary and said he cant do that#anymore i feel so much lighter and i just feel so happy and safe with blue in a way ive never felt with jamie and its like. im almost there#i feel like i might be able to cut him off by the end of the year. and thats crazy to me. i just also have a lot of like shit to unpack#in general too also. with what he did. and i just have a lot. but i feel like im progressing
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ronanlynchbf · 1 year
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i literally will never understand casual dating like wdym i give my heart to someone & open up to them & be vulnerable with them and then we break up after a few months there's no way. Die for me or don't hit me up at all 🙄
#like the concept of it. a few months and then we're just done?? you're not in my life like that anymore?? we go our separate ways and move#on as if we haven't shared ourselves with each other?? could NOT be me sorry. good for u if that's you though peace n love 🙏#i say this and then it's actually even worse in that i cannot bear the idea of getting into a relationship with someone and falling out of#love or simply Falling Out and breaking up or being dumped or smth similar LIKE it rlly has to be all in or i seriously can't..#like it has to be serious. it has to be all or nothing......this is not affecting me in my romantic life whatsoever 😁👍#i guess this is very ronan lynch of me ....#ALSO this was brought on because i saw the guy at the friday market that i sorta have like a very superficial crush on..as in he is very#attractive 2 me there is a somewhat melancholic look abt him that is very charming he has a long kinda big kinda narrow nose and hooded#brown eyes and a long narrow face and brown hair that's cut like. sort of purposefully haphazardly.. or well it looks just a bit messy#and he's quite tall and has veiny hands and forearms and large hands also....ANYWAY i just have a little crush on him it's nothing rlly bc#i don't even know him though i do know his name...but like. it got me thinking about dating and everything surrounding it and how i don't#see myself dating anyone if it's not the furthest thing from casual ykwim#this is definitely a very normal thought process to have after thinking one (1) guy u see every week at the market is cute 🤠..
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imwritesometimes · 1 year
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I am once again completely losing any interest or motivation to actually write anything 🙃🙃🙃
#it just poof! disappears! vanishes! gone! it has left the building!#I absolutely positively HAVE to write linearly I cannot go oh well I have the ideas for much later chapters so I'll start there#my brain does NOT work like that and quite frankly I hate the advice that's always like oh write the fun bits first then!#cause it's like bitch I KNOW myself I KNOW my brain I'd never finish ANYTHING#I am the ULTIMATE 'well this isn't fun anymore I'm dipping' bitch. QUEEN of hitting the bricks#and also my brain just. will not function in that way. things gotta be done in ORDER or it DOES. NOT. WORK. AT. ALL. EVEN. A LITTLE.#but I find myself getting very VERY self-conscious and outright repelled by own set-up and structuring if that makes any sense?#it's like I gotta BUILD to *the* part but when I work on the foundation and framework I'm like 🫤😟🥴#it's like oh this just sounds like boring drab info dumping bullshit#and the thing is. I know it's not! I'm not a *bad* writer. I know anyone else reading it doesn't see it as#hollow paint by numbers blah blah blah bland af shit#but to ME it feels that way#and I just lose the desire to work on anything anymore#this has been going on for MONTHS now. MONTHS. I've not been able to write ANYTHING. for MONTHS. cause of this.#this stupid weird trepidation that all my setup work is just horrid awful runny dog shit#idk where it csme from. idk why it's stuck around so long. idk how to fix it. don't think it CAN be fixed at this point.#I just don't know what I'm doing man. I used to LOVE writing fic. now I'm like lol maybe DON'T do that.#erin explains it all
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cosmojjong · 2 years
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:(
#feeling sad#but also very numb as well#i keep swinging from crying to feeling nothing#i don't know when i'll actually realize that my grandpa is gone and i won't see him anymore#i don't think it's fully hit me yet#i cannot believe that it's happened#around two weeks ago we were sitting on his couch and he asked me to sit closer as we spoke#and then we held hands and talked about the trip i wanted to go on#that was the first time i had seen him after so long#and he was like 'my sweetheart i want to pay for that trip' and i was like 'oh no please don't worry'#and he said he really wanted to do it for me#his hand was a bit wrinkly but big and warm and he always had this sweet smile on his face#i always felt so cared for and so safe in his presence#he was the first and only man who loved me with his heart#i was his little chick his only granddaughter and even when i grew big he would give me pocket money or pay for my ice cream#i just cannot fathom a life without him#sending messages to my grandma i'd always include him and now it's nothing anymore#even yesterday i went to her house as he passed in the morning#and the alarms went off as he was supposed to take medication but of course he didn't#i felt my heart sinking then#i felt like he would come out of the bedroom or the bathroom but he didn't#when i went to the bathroom his shoes were there.. untouched.. he won't wear them ever again#i don't know why i'm sharing all this here but i don't get the time to be emotional in real life#not because someone's stopping me but because there's so much to decide on and to sort out suddenly#and the fact that his will is that we fly him to where he was born so we can bury him there#but i don't know if i'll be able to go with my health issues#and if i don't go i'm going to beat myself up over it so much because how could i not attend his funeral#when he did so much for me#he'd starve and save up money for me to be able to have clothes and find warm food on my table when i was a child#he did so much for me and yet i am over here debating and worrying over the flight and over everything
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pizzapizzadickz · 2 years
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...somedays are just so much worse than others. Lately, I've been caught up in thinking, yet again, what if I'm faking everything. Well. Not that persay. More like. What if everything I think is going on is actually based on something false. And it sucks. Bc. I just start to worry that I cannot fix anything. Idk. Its just. Its nice to have an answer to things. And it'd hurt if my answer is wrong I suppose. You could show me all the evidence in the world and in the end I still won't believe it. I'll still think im wrong somehow. But at the same time I believe I'm right. How odd is that?
Ever since ive been young I've always questioned myself like that. I used to question who I am and what makes up me. And I never rly had an answer. I always just felt hollow and out of place. Even now that's all I feel.
Sometimes I can tell my thinking is heavily distorted. And honestly sometimes I question if it's ever not.
#diary#personal#its a little ramble-y i guess. idk if anyone but me can understand this. but its hard to put into words...#more and more i just feel this giant glass wall between me and everything else.#sometimes ive been thinking if anything is real. just. idk.#but even more than that i just keep doubting everything i think. maybe if i just tried harder. mayber if i was a better person...#maybe then that wouldntve happened. maybe if i just did more id be functional.#and. its just been a really hard day today. mn. really bad.#i dont rly eanna go into details tbh. but me and my dad fought again and everythings changed again and i dont like it.#mn. but in the end. the reason why im going to therapy is bc ive tried just working harder.#just. ignoring everything. and unfortunately it doesnt seem like everything is all in my head#well. i mean some of it LITTERALLY is all in my head. well i mean really the whole human experience is kinda sorta.#but. the things i get exhausted for. the things i just feel like i cant do anymore. theyre real#i guess thats a comfort at least. i may not know why i cannot function. but at least the pain i feel is real i suppose#haha. but what if thats like. just malfunctioning hardware. haha. ha.#i hate this loop. its probably like an ocd obsesive thought spiral. i do this a lot.#bc in the end this is probably one thing i cant actually prove or think my way out of.#bc i know the human experience is innately flawed. we easily could be in a simulation. and bc of that i discount nothing.#mn. its. getting sorta dissociatey or depersonalizationy now. i should stop n sleep.#im just rly sad. i was a bit too honest with mom today about dad and everything hurts now.#...somedays i rly dont wanna be alive. not bc i wanna die. just. im really really tired. its easier when things are laid out for me#when i know that if x happens i do y. and i dont like this autonomy i have sometimes. sometime i wish i didnt have it. haha.#suicidal ideation#...i dont know how the fuck i can talk to a therapist about all of this. or how useful itd even be. in the end it feels like im not me.#im. sorta scared of myself. and tired of it. i dont like the way i react. the way i am. im so scared.#i have to deliberate so long on something thatd take someone else no time. and its pitiful sometimes#trying to keep up with everything like this is exhausting.#i. sometimes i wonder what id actually be like if so many things were different. but its a useless question. bc they arent#in the end all you can do is move forward with the current you. nothing more. nothing less.#even if i dont rememebr the past or its different from what i recal. i suppose its okay. bc the now is my truth in the end.
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irisbaggins · 1 month
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Guess what, I've worked what probably amounts to half of my total hours, in one fucking month. My store is resting on my shoulders, it seems, and boy do I feel that. I have not had a moment's rest since my vacation, and uh, it's probably not sustainable? Maybe?
Anyway. Guess who's going to be travelling for hours on end and then arrive just a day before a mandatory University lecture? It's me!
#text_loke#i'm also curious what my boss is going to say when he gets back. and looks at my nightmare hours#because uh. i've worked. wayyyy too much these last few months#and i am. halfway. tempted to make a little bit of a racket to the higher ups to argue my way for a higher percentage position#because i have not worked 20% in a WHILE. gimme my 40% because i for damn sure have earned it#i also. somehow. need to squeeze in the time to read the books for my Masters. because uh. i'm also doing that#can you tell i'm living by a thread rn? my sister legit just moved out yesterday and i have NOT had time to process that#i still don't have time! i won't have time!#so i shall grin and bear it as i always do!#ahjshdd legit tho. yesterday i had barely had anything to eat due to my schedule being PACKED#i woke up after five hours of sleep finished the postbox for my sister RAN out the door for Uni at 11. and when done at Uni went work#my coworker thought me insane yesterday for bouncing on my feet with barely any food in my body. or sleep#however. it's just how i am. i can just. grin and go on with my day and function when my body is Barely Responding#i will just. not be quite intelligent because my brain is Slow#also. i was NOT happy being one hour extra at work today. like it WAS worth it and i did it freely#but also i wanted to go home. but. closing shift needed my help and i had to make sure everything was ok before i left#however. i have. so much bullshit i must do tomorrow. fuck#anyway. if y'all are curious as to where i've been these last few months. my answer is dying (work and uni). i am perished#i have barely any time for myself anymore. i'm not mad about it or anything. not even like. burnt out (knock on wood)#however. i do feel the toll. i do wish i could just. do fun things again. hopefully when uni properly starts and i go to my ACTUAL CONTRACT#i can then finally relax. right now however. not so much#hopefully they won't need me next week tho. because i cannot. at all#anyway. if i didn't already know i was a workaholic i sure do now!
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theood · 3 months
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One of the other things that stopped me from perusing college was that by the end of my schooling I felt so very stupid and that I was lacking core skills and I'd flunk out of college. Which I couldn't necessarily do in highschool
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pearpng · 7 months
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i want to make art forever and ever and always i want to take up space with it and share it with my friends and love it and hate it and i need it to go back to how it used to be. i need to quit my fucking job for real
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