#i cannot describe it any other way
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S-s-s-suitcase x Clover art for the poor and needy? 🥺
Sorry I took so long ANYWAY HERE'S YOUR CLOVERCASE YOU BEGGAR
#i don't know how to draw people interacting with each other in any way so sorry if this looks weird#inanimate insanity#osc#object shows#words cannot describe how much i love them#LUCKYBAG#save me... save me healthy yuri.....
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i feel like im not making any sense but does anyone else feel like there are stories that let u run with them and ones that spell everything out for you
#im reading that post that says artists are directors of audience reaction and not its dictator:#'you cannot guarantee that everyone viewing your work will react as you are trying t make them react. a good artist knows that this is what#allows work to breath. by definition you cannot have art where the viewer brings nothing to the table ... this is why you have to let go of#the urge to plainly state in text exactly how you think the work should be interpreted ... its better to be misinterpreted sometimes than#to talk down to your audience. you wont even gain any control that way; people will still develop their opinions no matter what you do#im thinking abt this again cuz i was thinking maybe the thing that lets adventure time work so well the way it does is cuz it doesnt#take itself too seriously that it gives the audience enough room to fuck with subtext and then fuck with them back yknow. i think it was#mentioned somewhere that they werent even planning to run with the postapocalyptic elements that are hinted in the show but changed their#mind after the one off with the frozen businessmen and dominoed into marcy and simons backstory. on the other side there are stories that#explain too much to let the story speak for itself and i think it ends up having to do more with the crew trying to lead ppl in a certain#direction than expand on what they have and i see a lot of this with miraculous. like when interviews and tweets are used as word of god in#arguments and it becomes a little stifling to play around with it knowing the creator can just interject. u can say its the crews effort to#engage with its audience but it feels more like micromanaging. and none of this is to say there ISNT room for stories that spell things out#theyre just suited for different things. if sesame street tried abstract approaches to themes and nuance itd be counterproductive#a lot of things fly over my head so i need help picking things apart to get it- but it doesnt have to be from the story itself. ive picked#picked up or built on my own interpretations listening to other ppl share their thoughts which creates conversation around the same thing#sometimes stories will spell things out for you without being so obvious abt it that it feels like its woven into the text. my fav example#for this might be ATLA using younger characters as its main cast but instead of feeling like its dumbed down for kids to understand why war#is bad its framed from a childs point of view so younger audiences can pick up on it by relating to the characters. maybe an 8 year old#wont get how geopolitics works but at least they get 'hey the world is a little more complicated than everyone vs. fire nation'. same for#steven universe bc its like theyre trying to describe and put feelings into words that kids might not have so they have smth to start with#especially with the metaphors around relationships bc even if it looks unfamiliar as a kid now maybe the hope is for it to be smth you can#look back to. thats why it feels like these shows grew up with me.. instead of saving difficult topics for 'when im ready for it'#as if its preparing me for high school it gave me smth to turn in my hands and revisit again and again as i grow. stories that never#treated u as dumb all along. just someone who could learn and come back to it as many times as u need to. i loved SU for the longest time#but i felt guilty for enjoying it hearing the way ppl bash it. bc i was a kid and thought other ppl understood it better than me and made#feel bad for leaning into the message of paying forward kindness and not questioning why steven didnt punish the diamonds or hold them#accountable. but im rewatching it now and going oh. i still love this show and what it was trying to teach me#yapping#diary
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had quite the night drive earlier this evening.
#just me rambling again#web weaving#(?)#uh. one of my friends who is out of town for college was visiting and i got to see him and our friends and the only core member of that#group of people missing was my ex girlfriend who you may also know of as my wonderful wife#who has I assume been very busy with their own life things but has also barely and very sparsely had any hint of communication with any of#us within the past few months which I've been realizing very recently sort of hurts my feelings because we used to be so close and#they had been saying that they would be constantly making sure we still were in each other's lives. but then very quickly have#seemingly dropped off the face of the earth#anyways. I was driving aforementioned friend who is in town back home (family home not college obv) and when i was finally going back#towards my house afterwards my Google maps finally lead me to an area that i was more familiar with driving and i got to an#intersection and it was telling me to take a right to go home but i knew that i knew the way perfectly from that intersection to my#ex girlfriend / best friend / wifes familys house from all of the times I've gone that direction through the past years and so#i turned off my directions and i took a left towards their house#not super sure why but my brain and body just knew it was something i needed to do and so i went and drove down their street and cried#a lot the whole time and then drove myself home from their house once again following a super familiar path#and idk im still feeling very emotional about it. the fact that halloween by noah kahan was the first song to play on Spotify#after i made that left turn im sure didnt help (knowing that i miss them so much and am going to be leaving this area myself#soon enough here and there's been an open offer for a while now that they are welcome to follow and live with me once they get their degree#(and also um. halloween is next week lol)#idk i just havent felt the full force of how badly i miss having them in my life until tonight. when i was around this person i could feel#our souls singing in harmony. i genuinely cannot describe the feelings of our relationship in words i feel like only vaguely abstract art#could communicate the connection that was forged between us and the level of understanding and knowing#something not dissimilar to looking into the sun directly or trying to describe a vivid color to someone who is completely blind#something about the way the entire universe breathes in unison and everything around us are all pieces of the same stars#sigh#i miss my wife tails i miss her a lot /ref
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one thing i really deeply wish is that i'd had access as a kid to the plural community and information that are more easily available today, instead of my first experience with plural community which both took it seriously and was nonjudgmental having been 10's era tul/pa.info lmao
#moogletalks#in some ways it was a wonderful community; and it taught me a lot of really helpful things#and made me feel validated and hopeful that This is a Thing That You Can Continue to Be and Develop in an Adult Life#instead of feeling like there was a time limit for when plurality stopped being Childlike Imagination and started being Craziness(tm)#(lots to unpack there lol)#.....in other ways not only was there Some Real Fuckery going on in the community in general; on an interpersonal basis#but i cannot overstate how horrifically toxic and damaging some of the things it taught me about plurality were#and how when i entered the phase of young adulthood where i realized the approach it had demanded of me was unsustainable to my survival#instead of having other perspectives on hand to go 'hey yeah you're not torturing your parts to death out of laziness if they go dormant'#'and/or if you don't spend hours of extremely grueling intensive work at minimum into maintaining them every single day of your life'#'and that if they dissolve into nothing because you Didn't Pay Them Enough Attention and you try to recreate them it won't be the same one'#'and if they DO actually come back as themselves they'll be horribly broken and traumatized and probably hate you forever'#'who the fuck told you that. oh my god?'#all i had to go on was 'either you're plural or you live an actual functional life in the real world; and i can't not do the latter atp'#and the result was repressing myself in an incredibly traumatic way i have just never fully recovered from even now#the fun cherry on top was that later when i *did* try to ask (very kind and well-meaning) plural ppl from another mental health community#if anything i described sounded familiar to their own experiences; or ones they had heard from other people#their response was pretty much 'idk that doesn't sound plural to me; i'm sorry; it's something where if you have it you know :('#me crying my eyes out for days afterward: obviously this reaction is bc i want to appropriate plurality to feel special#and am throwing tantrums at having the bubble broken by Reality#anyway. it's been a lot and yeah i really wish i'd had literally any other affirming plural community as a kid lol#ableism cw#internalized ableism cw#pluralitag#traumatag#adventures in mental illness#disabilitag
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F/M(presenting) Az and Crowley is only ever acceptable if it's also t4t-presenting. Cis-presenting, for some unfathomable reason younger-looking, hyperfeminine Crowley sitting in cis-presenting for some unfathomable reason hypermasculine and bearded Aziraphale's lap? Exhausting. Tired. No more. Trans milf sitting in trans dilf's lap? Never gets old. Sound of the summer. Especially if you let her keep being tall
#i say t4t-presenting bc i don't ever describe angels or demons as 'trans'. they don't have assigned genders and thus cannot be trans#but i do think they can adopt what humans consider trans signifiers (like certain surgical scars and etc)#the same way they can adopt any other human trait. but this isn't the post for my thoughts in that department#and ofc this applies to tmilf az and tdilf crowley i just tend to see girlcrowley/guyziraphale around more#open mick night#good omens#gomens#aziraphale#crowley#aziracrow#ineffable spouses#ineffable husbands#ineffable wives
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When you think about him and your uterus sees stars
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um. tfw your life is about to change massively very very soon and it still doesn't even feel real yet and still feels like somethings gonna pop up and it won't actually happen and also you're scared as fuck that you're too stupid to actually do it and it'll all be for nothing
#like what do you mean full time salaried w benefits and paid vacation just to do. school.#what made you so enthusiastically think i was the perfect one to do this#when the last approx 20something other guys were like ummmm no you cannot do it#tbf like all that other shit up there aside#this did actually come at the perfect time#i look back on who i was during my masters and i legit do not recognize that person#i barely even remember it i have to look at pictures to think back on who i was#in a strange roundabout way being forced home to stay for a while#kind of re centered me and gave me time to come back to myself in a big way. i was really lost before#and chaining something like this directly after my masters would have been disasters#even like this time last year i did not have this level of mental clarity#and i think thats why i didn't get any of the other positions i was just in a fog and i think people could tell#so as much as like im super scared and nervous about this big change and big exit from my comfort zone#and a little sad and mournful that im leaving my family and wont hear my native language all day every day anymore#im the most ready ive ever been#2019 me was NOT ready im scared of her tbh!! idk what wave i was on but it was weirdo shit!#im also proud that i essentially rawdogged and brute forced a lot of introspection and improvement#entirely on my own#like i really can only just describe it as clarity i feel like i matured 10 years in 4 and cleared all the fog#i feel so good about the way i handle things and react to things now vs then#im like 500x more unbothered and actually know how to put myself first now#anyway uh this prob could have been its own post in and of itself#but woteva innit im proud of how much internal repairs i did on myself over the last few years#became a stable genius as it were#whos a lot more clearly defined and present#but fuck man! i am still scared of being 2stupid
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1 month ago today my exes mom died is it too soon to tell him I unfriended him and ignored his message because I kind of think he raped me
#i never planned on telling him cuz honestly even tho i dont want him in my life anymore i dont know if what happened was actually rape#theres been a lot of debate over whether or not my specific situation was rape or what the feminists like to call “maintenance sex”#so it feels rather cheap of me to call it rape when our collective idea of rape is so much more sinister than what happened to me#but anyways i didnt want to talk to him about any of this because i dont know what to say about it and i think hes too sexist to listen#but i Did get a very funny and wholesome snap memory of him and one of my besties so i sent it to him#and thats how i found out he reached out to me exactly a month ago to tell me his mom died and to ask for support#which of course i cannot provide cuz i feel too conflicted about him to put aside my ego + i feel that he doesnt deserve that from Me anywa#see also my resistance to cutting him out of my life to the point that i didnt block him or delete all of his pictures#i didnt even get rid of all of his things i kept the sweater his mom gave him cuz i Knew she was going to die too soon#and i knew he would miss wearing this sweater which is the one from his favorite picture of him and his mom together#so not only is the context of this situation very ambiguous but also i dont really feel the way i think a rape victim is Supposed to feel#i mean i have my moments when i really think about it where im hurt and im angry and i cant help my reaction to it even years later#but otherwise im fine and even when it comes to him i was mostly chill and stayed with him for a year after it happened#so i dont feel i have any right to call it rape and yet it was definitely not consensual sex#and theres just no other word to describe ambiguously nonconsensual sex
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Music Monday & Last Line Tag
Tagged by @poisonedtruth
Tagging @socially-awkward-skeleton @shallow-gravy @direwombat @voidika @g0dspeeed @adelaidedrubman @chazz-anova @cassietrn @deputy-morgan-malone @strafethesesinners @josephslittledeputy @josephseedismyfather @strangefable @derelictheretic @wrathfulrook @inafieldofdaisies @minilev and @jillvalentinesday
Paul Yellowjack is a character who has gone through many changes. He started as Silva's first real father figure, a teacher who raised her on morals to live by, protected her from Adam when the poor-excuse of a man wanted her back, and lead his people in a revolution against their violent oppressors on the Archipelagos. Ultimately, after the massacre though, he ended up as a tragic fallen hero whose core morals corrupted when put through tragedy after tragedy, leaving bitterness to take his heart and (regrettably) lash out at the world, before Silva could restore his hope again. Left down a dark path for so long he can no longer return as the man Silva once knew (even if there are shades of him deep inside the villain he has become), and sadly neither wishes him to, Paul because of his self-loathing, Silva because of the pain he inflicted on her. There is a longing between them, but both have gone down two different paths, with no way to return to one another (or at least, that's what both believe). I believe this song reflects his turmoil perfectly. I'll probably explain in the tags.
youtube
"I want you by my side So that I never feel alone again They've always been so kind But now they've brought you away from me
I hope they didn't get your mind Your heart is too strong anyway We need to fetch back the time They have stolen from us
And I want you We can bring it on the floor You've never danced like this before We don't talk about it Dancin' on, doing the boogie all night long Stoned in paradise Shouldn't talk about it
And I want you We can bring it on the floor You've never danced like this before We don't talk about it Dancin' on, doing the boogie all night long Stoned in paradise Shouldn't talk about it Shouldn't talk about it
Coldest winter for me No sun is shining anymore The only thing I feel is pain Caused by absence of you
Suspense controlling my mind I cannot find the way out of here I want you by my side So that I never feel alone again
And I want you We can bring it on the floor You've never danced like this before We don't talk about it Dancin' on, doing the boogie all night long Stoned in paradise Shouldn't talk about it
And I want you We can bring it on the floor You've never danced like this before We don't talk about it Dancin' on, doing the boogie all night long Stoned in paradise Shouldn't talk about it Shouldn't talk about it
And I want you We can bring it on the floor You've never danced like this before We don't talk about it Dancin' on, doing the boogie all night long Stoned in paradise Shouldn't talk about it
And I want you We can bring it on the floor You've never danced like this before We don't talk about it Dancin' on, doing the boogie all night long Stoned in paradise Shouldn't talk about it Shouldn't talk about it
And last line for The Years In Hope County, which is getting pushed for possibly next week.
"We've come a long way. You've come a long way," Elsa tells [Sylvester], downing the latte in her hands like shots at the Fairgrave's bar, "You may not see it but... we're already honouring them, just by being alive."
#far cry the silver chronicles#far cry 5#oc: paul yellowjack#fic: the years in hope county#oc: elsa omar#so with paul and silva one of their favourite pass times was dancing#and their dance was always a way for them to feel connected with each other and express their familial affection to one another#however the “dance” as described in the song has changed#“you've never danced like this before” being a euphemism for “you've never desired to kill me before”#who “they” refer to are those who have “stolen” silva away from paul especially now in his villainy#that being the residents of hope county and her remaining family like elsa + persephone and allies like gavin and kamski and etc#“coldest winter” and “no sun is shining” refers to both literal examples#like the archipelagos#as well as metaphorical#like his emptiness and loss of silva#“we don't/shouldn't talk about it” refers to both the lack/loss of communication between silva and paul#and paul's guilt preventing him from acknowledging and processing the event that completely destroyed any chance of recovering silva's love#“i cannot find a way out of here” is essentially being unable to escape his eternal servitude to zachariah the orchestrator#“you're heart is too strong anyway”#paul acknowledges that the morals he and others' had taught silva has made her defiant and against his attempts to bring her into villainy#(which also stops silva from giving up and is part of the reason she refuses to join eden's gate and their violence in the future)#it is something he can't help but feel pride and relief from#there's more but you can probably come to your own conclusions on what those are#Youtube
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uhhh search engine, what does age regression feel like
#it's probably not what i'm experiencing but tbh i don't have other terms to apply to that feeling right now#something to think about sometime i suppose#for now i'll just go yeah it could be that but NAH i couldn't POSSIBLY be experiencing that#because the people who really experience that do it in a totally different way and i don't wanna claim terms that i'm not allowed to claim#y'know like. I couldn't POSSIBLY be experiencing that. NOT me. not because i'm special or better or anything#but because i'm idk how to describe it. like i know i have some kind of mental illness BUT NO SOLID DIAGNOSIS#so i cannot possibly claim any of these terms#no no no no no what i'm experiencing is probably something every person feels in some way. it's not unusual. etc.
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i dont feel love in the way of. the emotions i feel that would be labeled 'love' have such an indescribable meaning and feeling and vastness to me that i could never just label it with one word, and doing so feels wrong to me.
#i try not to do this much online but#i will say i love you so often#because i physically cant describe it any other way#but its not like oh this is romantic love or i love u platonically its like#i cannot physically explain it#but yeah#oh boy this is the time of night where i get shrimp emotions huh
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i stumbled across a Rumi quatrain on tumblr today and it reminded me to go looking for my favourites, so here's a few, all taken from Kulliyat-e Shams-e Tabrizi, with the caveat that i do not speak Farsi and I have read them all as translations only. more notes on translation at the end, but all of these are translated by Zara Houshmand, and taken from the archives of The Iranian.
#1771
#57
#1584
#1316
and the note on translation: these are of course not the Coleman Barks translations, the most popular English translations. i think the orientalism and... de-Sufi-fying and de-Muslim-ifying of the Barks translations and a lot of English-language and Western perception of Rumi is much more discussed now (Jawid Mojaddedi, who is writing a translation of Rumi's multi-volume Masnavi, says, "The Rumi that people love is very beautiful in English, and the price you pay is to cut the culture and religion.") if you're interested, Persian Poetics has a great twitter thread about it and their website has text, audio, and video resources where they've talked about it. and this article from Ajam Media is a short read and an interesting comparison of a few different translations.
if you enjoy Zara Houshmand's translations, she has a book of translations of Rumi's quatrains, Moon and Sun. there's many translations of Rumi's works not by Barks, that prioritise different things: you can 100% find a translation that isn't Barks, and Rumi's work is. so beautiful and so much better when you are not reading whatever uhhh... interpretation Barks came up with.
#image description in alt#poetry#text post#my post#fun fact in the same article i linked barks is quoted as saying#'the Qur'an is hard to read'#(yes i have changed the transliteration to Qur'an from the quote bc i'm sorry but i refuse to type it that way)#1 that's fucking bonkers to say as someone who has 'translated' Rumi's work like how are you openly admitting to that#and 2 the Masnavi quotes extensively from the Qur'an???#anyway i cannot begin to describe the shock i felt when i first came across 1 Rumi quatrains in the original Farsi where you can. physicall#see how much is missing from Barks' translation (and can identify common themes in those words if you can read any Arabic script)#and 2 when i read other translations for the first time and realised how much both God-as-figure and Islamic and Sufi tradition and#philosophy was missing#i was genuinely upset#it's... idk#when you are feeling that strange and deep ache and joy of love that is always mixed with the deep ache and joy of faith or God or etc#you gotta turn to Rumi yknow i need to remember that more often#i also haven't quoted from Mojaddedi's translation bc#i have honestly only seen bits and pieces of the Masnavi#if there's someone who has read more of it or can weigh in on the translation lmk#but like maybe one of my projects next year needs to be trying to read the first volume of that translation
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something i think some people don’t understand is that everyone has different things that happen to them in their life!!! just because something isn’t emotional to you doesn’t mean you should try and tell people who did find it emotional it’s not!!!! people have lived beyond who you know in person!!!!!
#i saw a barbie post and it reminded me of this#like this is so fucking simple and some people do not get it#i bawled my eyes out at the end of the barbie movie because it took me back when i was younger and i really connected with it#but my friends (who i went to see it with) didn’t cry at it or find it emotional and have since tried to convince me it wasn’t sad#you don’t know why i cried at it!! you don’t get it!#and when i try to tell them “you don’t get it because we’ve had different lives” they say there’s nothing to get because it’s not sad#they don’t get it because they haven’t had my particular experience - the same way i haven’t had theirs#i don’t know how difficult it is to not discredit someone’s emotions but it can’t be that hard#the barbie movie is really important and special to me as someone who struggles with identity#my friends don’t know this so i can’t blame them for that but the point still stands#the age old thing you are taught when you are literally a young child is that you don’t know what people are going through so be respectful#but they and other people don’t seem to understand that despite being well older than a young child#you have no idea why i find it sad. let me find it sad and move on with your life.#particularly two of them seem to try and cement this point that the film and the billie eilish song (which i literally cannot listen to)#aren’t sad#it really does irritate me because any possibility i get to say something’s sadness can be entirely subjective in some cases i am dismissed#these people are girls. they played with barbies. and still i can bet every one of us associates different things to when they played with#barbies. they do not get that.#i can’t really describe my relationship with the barbie movie properly and maybe it’s just me having a fit about it but it is so so persona#to me.#sorry for the rant.#barbie movie#barbie 2023#zad talks
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When you want to draw fully finished clean colored illustrations but you draw till completion and that will take you anywhere from 6 to 8 hours so your in that paradox of
“to draw or not to draw that is the question”
#someone was talking to me today about how digital art was (fast) & (easy) and not as emotionally meaningful and involved as traditional art#deep inhale#ART IS ART#the best way I could describe it to them is digitalart is it’s own monster and that not one kind of art is (easy)#i wasn’t going to get into it but that’s my vent for today haha#any other artists out there that feel they cannot step away from a piece they are working on and return to it#I feel you#when that motivation comes you just have to grasp it and take advantage of the time you have it
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the difference between being a caster in bg3 and being a caster in da (and especially da2) is so jarring if im honest
#not in terms of gameplay#because the gameplay is different!!#i mean in terms of how youre treated for it#the best way i can describe it is kinda like being a mage in da is like being a drow in bg3. which is not entirely accurate but close enough#people ALWAYS look at you weird for not being where they expect you to be (circle/underdark)#youre always regarded with suspicion for simply being what you are. something you have no control over#in bg3 if youre a mage no one reacts to it in any particularly positive or negative way because its just a way of life#BUT BEING A MAGE IN DRAGON AGE.#i literally cannot play da2 as anything other than a mage because of how much its plot revolves around the conflict around magic#i love da2 so much im sorry. its such a flawed game but its core is just so delicious#da2 is the best worst game ive ever played
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maybe i should reread the yume nikki novel
#nobody read that shit so i gotta discuss it with myself#that pic of the guy discussing with the wall but its me ranting while rereading my liveblog posts#or i would do that but i cannot find them on my reading tag :/#there were some scenes i really really wanted to illustrate (specially some with the monochrome sisters)#i dont remember them much rn...#tbh i still mantain my stance that out of all the spin off media the novel is the best (im counting the 'sequel/remake' game in there)#and its weird! because it does things i hate (trying to give yn a specific story justification)#but i feel like it really nailed the dreamlike fever dream feel of the game that none of the others came close to#also it had some parts which were described in ways that gave really interesting visual imagery#no one give me any power on any lit club i WILL force you to read this novel
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