#i can't imagine the amount of pain that causes. i can't imagine how terrifying it must be

[dykesbat]

help a palestinian doctor evacuate his three family members in gaza

vetted by operation olive branch (line 85)

$25,830 raised of $50,000 as of november 5

since this fundraiser has started back in early 2024, we've only managed to help fund the escape of dr moath and his mother, basma. three family members remain in gaza including moath's father and his two younger brothers.

please help his family. this fundraiser has been stagnating badly and i'm incredibly worried for yusuf, ahmed, and their father. we need less than $5000 in order to evacuate one of them. if you have any money to spare please please please contribute to this campaign.

[cynarisgayass]

𓍊𓋼~All the letters of the Alphabet~𓋼𓍊

Type: Short headcannons

Description: This is another one of those dirty alphabets, each letter has something pervy and it's all for my love Billy~~ I'm normal about him I promise...

Rating: Explicit!!

Reader: GN, Afab

Warning: Kinky, be prepared for anything, he has attachment upgrades that he can pick a size or type of...iykyk.

Featuring: Billy Kid

Billy Kid:

Aftercare:

Let's start off sweet here. His ideal type of aftercare is helping you clean up and then cuddling under the covers as you both watch Starlight knight. The two of you do end up falling asleep pretty quickly though as the party before can last a long time..

Body part:

His favourite part of your body is your chest, wether you have big tits or perky nips, he loves it. He could spend all day squishing and pinching at them, watching and listening as you get flustered by his touch.

Cum:

He's mostly robot so you might think that means no cum at all, but with upgrades...anything is possible~ And he can adjust the amount too, though his favourite setting usually leaves globs of his cum running down your entrance and legs. It's satisfying to watch, what can he say.

Dirty secret:

One time while shopping in a adult shop, you found a pervy starlight knight outfit and you were just to curious to not try it. To say he enjoyed it would be a understatement, now it's kept hidden away for when the two of you want to really spice things up.

Experience:

If you think he has no experience, you're very wrong. Who knows if it's because online porn or maybe another upgrade in his system he bought just for you, it doesn't matter really, cause all those things make him that much better at pleasing you. And he does.

Favourite position:

He loves doing things in upright positions, standing doggy style infront of the mirror so he can see your face and touch your chest, or bending you over a table so he can go as deep and fast as you want.

Goofy:

Yes, he can get a little goofy in the bedroom. Especially if there's any roleplaying, he might end up actually making himself laugh, or making you laugh. He can't help it, he's a cheerful silly guy.

Hands:

They are metal, so he's always very careful with them, but it also give him a advantage. He can warm them up for you or make them cold with a bowl of ice and they never get tired...so as long as hes gentle he could truly make your body melt.

Intimacy:

He can be very intimate, like the first time the two of you did anything. He was nervous, but he was always showing you how much he loved you during and that can happen after a dangerous mission too. If he was worried about you or thinking something could happen to himself, he prefers to take things nice and slow.

Jacking off:

You've never caught him getting off without you and he doesn't really have the need to, but you have to imagine he's probably done it at least once for practice or just to know what it was like. If anything it's not often.

Kink:

He has a few~ but maybe the most notable is the roleplaying. His favourite scenarios usually involve being a hero of some sort and rescuing you. Though he also likes being seduced by his beautiful partner and trying desperately to not fall for it...even when he always does.

Location:

He's a more at home kind of guy, not really wanting to risk getting caught doing something somewhere you shouldn't be.... but, he would like to try using a remote controlled toy on you in public. At least just once.

Mouth:

He doesn't really have one (a shame honestly), but he enjoys when you use yours. He won't lie, he likes when you choke a little, even if you do it intentionally it just makes his circuits overheat.

No:

A absolute turn off is when you get hurt, even if it's a accident or not even his fault at all, he can get very upset. He's mostly metal and if he were to get too rough you could actually get injured permanently and he's terrified of that. The second you say a ow or act like your in pain he stops everything and makes absolute positive you are okay.

One or more:

Share you with others... absolutely not. The two of you are exclusive, he doesn't want anyone else and he doesn't want to see anyone else with you. He can get a little pouty just having a handsome guy sit next to you...let alone touch you.

Pace:

Any you'd like, he's very good at regulating his movements and loves to take things slow, drawing himself out of you inch by inch, but he also could cum deep in your stomach as he rails you at max speed. It's all good to him.

Quickies:

He's been late multiple times to cunning hare meetings because a quickie turned into going multiple rounds and having to clean up the bed...again. He may not be good at time management but he tries.

Rough:

He has a limit, playful rough just like you like is as far as it goes, but pace and the amount of pleasure...that can get pretty rough on your walking abilities the next day.

Stamina:

He could literally go on forever, he sleeps but he doesn't actually need to. If you want to stay up all night sitting on his artificial dick, he's up for it. You want him to keep going as the sun comes up...it's his pleasure.

Toys:

The two of you have gathered many at this point and many attachments for him too, different sizes...shapes. One of his favourites is a rather large vibrator that he can turn on after you've been cocksitting awhile and need a release.

Unfair:

If he can tease you he will. He finds it so cute when he's bought you a new gift to try out and your face gets red or you stutter just a little at the thought. "Awe, is someone flustered? Just wait till we actually use it cutie~" He'd probably wink too, leaving you caught between thinking he's a dork and hot at the same time.

Volume:

The neighbours have complained, the people walking by have complained...even the ramen shop a street away said he'd sworn he'd heard him once. It can't be helped, he's loud and when he's making you feel good, he loves hearing you be loud too.

Wildcard:

If you wanted to, he'd let you peg him. He's even hinted at it before, just out of curiosity...and temptation. Hes never used those sensors before and thinking of you taking the lead also has him feeling horny.

X-ray:

Under his pants was alot at first, but you got used to it quickly and got weak at the knees even quicker. He has a area to attach vibrators or dildos and a area with loads of sensors for if you ever did want to peg him.

Yearning:

His yearning for you is straight out of a movie, you're his obsession, his muse, his favourite thing. He talks about you all the time and yes he wants you privately alot. Your body at his disposal and your mood delighted by him alone. It's like a dream.

Zzz:

Closing it off with some fluff. He goes into a rest mode as soon as you fall asleep and truthfully his favourite thing after all the fun...is when he wakes up next to you. It makes him a feel all giddy inside seeing you sleeping soundly, curled up under the covers. Pleased and loved. He's lucky and he knows it.

I love how I call this short headcannons when it's literally a long ass post. Idk wanted to write a few pervy things about Billy cause there isn't much and I love him.

[skulls-soul]

Imagine with me

There is a gigantic wound on Morgan. They're bleeding out. Their vision has been getting blurrier by the seconds and they can't help but feel the sensation of coldness rush through their body

They think of one thing and one thing only. I really can't die without telling Alex that I'm in love with them.

Speak of the devil. Alex comes into the apartment and immediately all of the groceries that they have on them drops to the ground as horror takes over their face a sensation. So unfamiliar that after a few seconds of holding that expression, they can feel stiffness arise from the unused muscles

They're frantically asking Morgan 100 million questions. None of which Morgan can comprehend. The only thing that they can comprehend is the fact that this is their chance

...and yet they couldn't possibly take it

It wouldn't be fair

It should be easy saying "I am in love with you" to someone who you know Is in love with you!

Yet even with that information it was still terrifying to say it out loud

Even if they had an idea what the outcome would be

Even if for the first time the odds seem to be almost with them

Of course not with them enough to not be dying in their favorite person's arms

But enough in where maybe if they just spoke those five little words life would be all the more richer.

But they couldn't allow themselves that... the relief of Alex knowing

Would it truly be fair to them?

Morgan doesn't know

They truly don't

They can see how both sides of the coin could cause great amount of pain

And because of that instead of saying what needed to be, they said this instead

"I'm going to try my best to stay away from death but just in case there's a letter for you in my dresser"

With that Morgan passed out trying his best to keep his promises as he focuses on the other's warm embrace

(I'm a little sad that I got way to into the angst so I cut out the funny haha bit oh well sometimes ideas change as the creation is formed and that's all right)

[fallout4-reacts]

How would the companions react to seeing a pre-war picture of Sole (maybe a wedding photo?) and realizing Sole lost a lot of weight since— and not a healthy amount, like going from muscular to thin?

I imagine Sole rolling their eyes and being overly snarky It's never easy to discuss a person's weight, and having undergone a major weight fluctuation (but rather the reverse) over the last two years, I can attest that when others want to discuss it with us, we do not want looool

That's said, thank you for the fun!

Cait : "Was that really you? You'd have been a powerhouse in the arena! But tell me, how did you lose so much weight?"

"Radiation. All HS cars."

"The…cars?"

"These funny metal carcasses all over the landscape—we used to use them to get from place to place instead of walking in the desert for hours as soon as we were called somewhere."

"Walking! It's true that there's not a lot of fat in the corner. But what about the muscles?"

"Probably the 200-year nap."

"That makes sense."

Codsworth : "At the time, I felt like I was doing a good job taking care of you. I can only watch you melt like snow in the sun now, no matter what I do."

"You've never seen any snow."

"My data strips provide me with precise information. It's comparable to your weight decrease."

"Sliding into enemy camps is easy like this."

"I'll make you a delectable brahmin steak. With mashed tatos. And I think the cook hid some oil in the storage room."

Curie : "It's completely unhealthy to have lost so much body mass index in such a short period of time."

"200 years."

"In so little real time."

"Radioactive food."

"This public health issue must be addressed."

Danse (romanced) : "You were such a juicy piece of meat!" He casts a glance towards Sole, quickly realising his blunder. "Not that you aren't... I mean… Understand that you are perfectly fine as you are, yet regaining some of your prior mass would not be a bad thing. That doesn't imply you're not appealing. I mean…"

"Stop causing yourself pain, Danse. I'm not foolish; I realised that I shed about 100 pounds in the last year... way of speaking."

"But nonetheless... It would be a first to have a soldier who did not require a frame to wear power armor."

"It really wasn't that bad."

"Let them come, super-mutants; I'll have my super-Sole!"

"I never realized how dense you could be."

Deacon : "Have you had any surgery or something? I'd like to see a doctor that can transform someone's shape like that. What's your trick?"

"Radiation? Going for a walk in the desert? Low carbohydrate, high radiation diet?"

"The grand total. I guess I won't be able to compete at that level."

"The Brotherhoods have a weight room— 

"Why don’t you use it? You might get a terrifying figure back for a super-mutant!"

"I make use of it."

"I believe I've been asked to the headquarters."

Dogmeat : Doesn’t even know what it’s about. Sniffs around and doesn’t pay attention to the picture on the wall.

Elder Maxson (romanced) : "We need more soldiers of this size. Have you considered trying to restore that lost mass?"

"Lack of butter in the corner."

"Of what, exactly? Still, I'm going to ask Cade to take a closer look at you; you can't be in this condition because of something healthy."

"Does my condition bother you?"

"Not at all," he strategically retreated, realising his mistake.

Hancock (romanced) : "No way, it ain't you." He gets a good dose of Jet and details the picture better. "Them eyes. Yeah, I think I can see. The peepers are identical. Damn, you were a whole snack. What's the sitch?"

"War, bombs, the current Commonwealth, lack of food, the never-ending race to stay alive, lack of sleep, lack of food, running—

"OK, I get it. If you ever decide to lounge in Goodneighbor for good, I got you - no more running and you can grub all you want. I'd damn myself to get my hands on those love handles."

Gage : "I've seen what hunger and drugs can do to a human being, but this is the brightest example."

"I don't take that many drugs."

"Enough to lose, oh, what, 100 pounds?"

"And it has nothing to do with walking a thousand miles through the desert with only a piece of dry meat in your pocket for any meal."

"I'll speak with Mason. He can give his Overboss his meat weight. We’ll round those calves right up."

"I'd almost be offended. Did you ever wonder whether it was my wish?"

"Look at that!" With the back of his palm, he hits the portrait. "That's you, Overboss!"

"Okay, this time I'm being insulted."

MacCready : "So, people used to be really spoiled, huh?"

"Yeah, a little. Radiation-free steak, buttered potatoes, and a car for long journeys."

"Car? These things were long trips? How much long?"

"How far can you imagine a distance?"

"The farthest I know is the Capital Wasteland."

"A few hours' drive."

"Wow, okay, but we don't get to the capital every day."

"It took me eight hours to get from Sanctuary to Diamond City... with a piece of dry meat and a bottle of hot water. Not exactly the best diet for mounting a titan frame."

"Well, the muscles are still there; they're just... dry."

Nick (romanced) : He spends so much time in front of the picture that Sole becomes concerned.

"Nick?"

"It's sad..."

"What exactly is sad?"

"You looked so joyful and good in that photograph. And all that, all that mess."

"You know, I can't deny everything I've gained since."

"However, it wouldn't hurt to regain some forms. The Brobovs, you know, don't just serve bad booze; they also have a fine menu, and the butcher provides them with good meat for the chefs. You should go there more frequently."

"Caps, Nick. Caps."

"So, from time to time, we'll take a break from our investigations to go hunting. It will not be said that you will remain skeletal in my custody if we can do otherwise."

Piper : "Are you kidding me? It can't possibly be you. Is it?"

"It is."

"But you were so... How could that have happened?"

"Radiation, starvation, and constant walking through the desert."

"Damn you. Perhaps we should write an article to distinguish healthy lifestyles from those who—

"It's getting really cliché, the way you always look for an article to write about everything."

"Eh! I'm not always looking for new subjects to write about."

"You asked a settler about his impressions of radiation storms!"

"It is critical to take the pulse of the people. But first, let's get back to our radsheeps and your...weight loss."

"Subject closed."

"Sooooole!"

"Subject.Closed."

Preston : "That's a significant weight loss."

"A little, yeah."

"And all in less than a year? It’s almost incredible that you’re in shape."

"Fit enough to have pulled you out of the clutches of the raiders when we first met."

Preston smiles slightly as he recalls this incident. Then he removes the frame from the wall.

"This goes straight to the castle vaults."

"Have you ever heard of the concept of private property?"

"History has no private property, and this picture is now part of the Minutemen's history."

"But do so without hesitation," Sole says, hardly masking his annoyance.

Strong : "Puny human not so puny back then."

"No, I wasn't at all."

"Why not stronger?"

"Aaaaah, that's a long story."

"Boring. Eat well. Eat more. Stronger, like before."

"I'll give it a shot..."

X6-88 : "It's incredible that Father's parent were so... well-developed. Specifically observing you today."

"I'm not sure if that's meant to be a compliment or an insult."

"A statement. Certainly, your former self had physical characteristics worth highlighting."

"I'm still not sure if it's a compliment or an insult."

"What I'm saying is that a physical threat like that would require significantly less protection. In what circumstances did you evolve into... that?"

With a dismissive gesture, he indicates Sole's current smaller size.

"All right, I get it now. That is an insult. You won't get an explanation just for the sake of it."

X6 sighs. "As you like. Now that we have squandered sufficient time contemplating the remnants of the past, it's appropriate for us to continue on towards our current objective."

[softpine]

oh god i'm spiraling thinking about how this is going to make elaine feel after she hears asa did this as soon as she dropped him off! and beth and cara? danny and casper? stevie maybe being the one to find him?? IM LOSING IT

seriously i feel so bad for elaine, she has the least context of anyone in this situation. all she knows is that asa was acting weirder than normal and very secretive, then she takes him home and within hours he takes his life. she'll be rethinking everything he told her that day, i mean he literally said “If I can’t help anyone, then… I don’t know why I’m even here. I don’t know how much longer I can stand to be so useless.” she's going to feel so guilty :(

beth, who has been battling with herself over whether she should let asa be a normal kid with privacy and agency, and who only just convinced caroline to ease up on him a little. and cara??? this is quite literally her worst fear:

danny and casper, who both chose to pursue something for themselves instead of putting their family first like they always have in the past, who are terrified of being far away when their family needs them.

stevie, who convinced asa to look for finn in the first place, and who already has guilt over the way she froze up and watched a woman die because she couldn't jump into action quickly enough. stevie, who will have to be the one to intercept asa's parents at the door if the paramedics haven't gotten there yet.

jada, who we aren't sure how much she saw or knows yet, but the sheer amount of guilt she has weighing her down is already so so heavy. i can't even imagine how responsible she would feel for potentially being unable to save her best friend since the literal day he was born.

and finn??? the real kicker for me is that finn would/will be horrified when he finds out what asa put his family through, all for him. he got upset when asa did something as innocuous as burning family pictures, because asa's family loves him so much and he hates that asa has put such a strain on their relationship because of finn.

but i hope i've made it clear enough that this isn't really about finn. asa hasn't been cycling through antidepressants and seeing countless doctors since he was 12 for no reason; he genuinely does struggle with severe depression, losing finn was just the last straw. asa's ability to see ghosts has caused him so much pain over the years, but finn alone made it worth the heartache. without him, he feels entirely helpless. he's surrounded by people every moment of every day, but he can't connect with a single one of them. so while his motivation here may not have been to die and stay dead, i also can't say that he had a clear enough mind to be worried about the emotional impact this would have on the people around him. he knows that if caroline found his body, she would never recover from that, but even that is only a short-term consequence – he's not thinking about how his loved ones will feel in a week or a year or the rest of their lives. i can't really fault him for that. but the whole thing is fucking tragic :(

[fandomandangstlover]

mwhehe get cursed lol!!! they r so very fun to doodle. luv makin the curse marks

this is based off of an idea that's basically. hey wouldn't it be funny if there's more cursed items other then The Axe? wouldn't it be fucked up?

anyways ah'm gonna rumble about said items under "read more" because brain won't Shut about it & it's just vibrating in my brain.

spoiler warning ig

Box — Totem of Chances

- curse of binding but Worse. you cannot get rid of it. it stays with u even after it's used & that basically means infinite lives. that isn't a good thing though.

- since box's stuck with it, he's basically just. Enchanted x100. annoying buzzing that turns into painful vibration after its use. holding enchanted items makes it much worse.. like, "it's talking to me & causing me pain" kind of worse.

- he is. in pain. constantly. could barely think, especially after dying. u saw how he was with 2 canon lives. imagine 5, or 6!.. he isn't having a good time.

- starts losing himself the more it's used. starts letting his instincts take over because he physically Cannot think normally anymore. so. instincts it is!

- did try to get the totem away from himself. it didn't end well.

- loopy as hell. a lil insane. he's not okay.

Nether — Crown of Knowledge

- mad scientist? mad scientist!!

- in exchange for knowledge needed, nether loses either 2 years of his lifespan or bits of his sanity. he can't choose which one he loses. F

- could be removed for the first few days of its use. after using it a good amount of times, let's say.. 3 times, it became stuck on his head. it's sorta digging into his head. ow.

- gets the worst headache possible. enchanted but it's only his head. his brain feels like it's being suffocated. there is NOT enough blood going to his head.

- crown talks to nether. its sole purpose is to keep itself & its user alive. very annoying. it's curse of binding if given a voice. (crown does have curse of blinding too because. y'know. curses.)

Butterz — Shield of Judgement

- shield has Thorns, Fire Aspect, Unbreakable & Curse of Binding. all of which are the highest level possible.

- shield influences butterz to want to use it all the time. & it is pretty effective, so.. why wouldn't he use it?

- gets enchanted x10 as well. he got the highest protection level possible. he is stuck with humming in his head & he is not enjoying it.

- slowly turns his view of the world into black vs white. grey started to sound unbelievable to butterz.

- turned very judgemental. he is side-eyein' EVERYONE. he is judging everyone n' everything & will only be giving people what he thinks they deserve.

Lava — Axe of Sorrows [the only canon one]

- bro this man is TERRIFIED of the other cursed item users, minus Nether. Box basically became Immortal & Butterz got plot armour. even Nether lost his mind but had the knowledge to still cause harm. what did Lava turn into? nothing. he's still normal. to an extent. & very much mortal.

- axe feeds on sorrow. & lava is making everyone around him suffer. So. also because souls gets stuck in the axe if they're killed by it. & the souls suffer a lot. so free meal baby wooo—

okay that's all i got rn. hav fun with this!! ig!!

[mariska]

sad progressive disability ramble under the read more sorry for using this blog as a public health diary again it's just been. A Lot. and i don't currently have the body strength to physically write in my journal with a pen/pencil

been like three days in a row now i think where i have been forcibly woken up because my left leg, specifically my calf and thighs and toes but mostly calf, went into a sudden severe So Painful That You Can't Even Scream About It And Just Kind Of Sob And Groan Involuntarily dystonia attack while i was still asleep and then it just continues lingering as really bad super tight muscle pain for the rest of the day even with the help of multiple prescription meds i have that very slightly help prevent another full-on dystonia attack. im so tired. its been like this for a very large portion of my life but it used to happen like once or twice a year before this year and now i'm getting lucky if it doesn't happen more than once a week. on top of the reproductive organ system pain that has gotten so bad this whole year too that i essentially no longer have any days in a month where i am not experiencing Extreme debilitating pain and cramps and am pretty much just On My Period in some part of the whole cycle thing 24/7.

i am like. im just. im too tired dude. i really think i've reached a point so far beyond any kind of pain threshold limit of what i can deal/live with at this point it's absolutely terrifying. i'm trying so so so hard to "take it one day at a time" but i can't even take it one hour at a time or 5 minutes at a time it feels like my body is legitimately completely failing on me. i wish i could remember what it felt like being somewhat less physically disabled when i was a kid thru my tweens and very early teens. that feels like a completely different person and life separated from my present day self now. i used to wake up without a nausea inducing headache sometimes. i can't even imagine what that must have been like.

genuinely sorry to be making bummer posts on here about my health decline, tried to tell myself yrs ago that i should probably not do that cause i truly do not want to make anyone else feel miserable reading my life updates that are very much not positive and filled with health related fear. it's just like. god, ok, im sorry again in advance i don't mean for this to sound at all defeatist or completely pessimistic, but in a purely logical This Is Just What Every Day Of Life Has Been For Me way i feel like i'm running out of time. in general. in life. very specifically because of how fast everything has declined with my health this whole year and the past few months specifically. i keep going to sleep whenever im able to in the middle of the night feeling absolutely terrified that my body will just suddenly fail on me totally while i'm sleeping and i'll just die. i cannot stress enough how much I Do Not Want That To Happen To Me At The Age Of 27 but like. wtf am i supposed to do. about all of this. im already doing the max of whatever i can, i have dr's appointments scheduled as scared as i am about actually going to them for multiple reasons, i have medications prescribed to me that do help a bit with my more muscle and connective tissue related pain problems, im trying so hard to keep it together (mostly for my moms honestly because they love me and care about me way more than i love or care about myself but thats just The Severe Clinical Depression speaking or whatever) but it doesn't matter because my body refuses to try with me anyways. i am. so. tired. i don't think any amount of rest or naps or sleep will ever improve how tired i feel all the time ever again truly. i think its just This Tired And Exhausted And Burned Out Forever Now. i am. indescribably sad.

[autumn-foxfire]

Took a short break from DC for a couple of days and now I'm back on the grind >:3

And what a great set of episodes to restart with! The first encounter Shinichi has with the BO with Haibara!

And it starts with a nightmare! I love to see the manifestation of their trauma! The dream Shinichi has in movie 12 is also great, the both of them are terrified of Gin and I like to see that in the series and wish it was shown so much more. It would be great to see more of their fear, they're only teenagers and they both know how dangerous the BO is, even if Shinichi and his strongheadedness makes him forget it from time to time.

Also, Haibara likes roses? Cute. But learning in this context? Not so cute.

Shinichi, Haibara is right to be concerned about the children. She is completely aware that if she is found out, everyone around her will be killed. And she knows Gin better than you do, he is insane. If Heiji can come to accept you've been shrunk just by spending a short amount of time with you, Gin, if given the slightest inkling, would probably be willing to accept it too.

Shinichi promising to protect Haibara though was cute. Look at him being such an adorable gremlin too, playing with his ball as they walk along.

It's interesting, studying Shinichi's expression. He's got the same fear as Haibara does, but his anger and sense of justice keeps it at bay so it doesn't paralyze him the same way it does Haibara. However, it also causes him to act rashly when he's confronted with them too, which can be the detriment to both him and Haibara.

It would be so funny if Gin and Vodka just got hit by a car and die due to them just walking across the street without looking. Imagine both the reaction of Haibara and Shinichi XD

Shinichi, I know Haibara can be pessimistic, but she's also right and you should listen to her more.

Gin, why do you imagine Sherry naked?

Haibara, I also know you joined Shinichi because you were worried about him doing something stupid and getting himself killed. Don't worry, in these episodes it's your life in danger <3

Haibara is such a good person T-T She is terrified and she still came just to help Shinichi. I also like how Shinichi responds to, he gives her something of his, to both help disguise her and to help ground her as he's promised her he'd always help her if she asked. I can't express enough how much I love them and their friendship.

Vermouth!

They guy eating after the murder reminds me of the fanart of Conan eating cake as he investigates a dead body XD

Shinichi, you had one job. Protect her. And you failed T-T

Haibara believing that this is her death using her last moments to try and give Shinichi a chance to return to normal T-T She's such a good girl T-T

Shinichi is about to make magic happen, Haibara. Oh, he even says he's going to use it XD He's such a drama queen.

I wonder how Shinichi feels, the org using his special interest as a password for evil. They just made it even more personal.

Ooooh, the tension (this bitch has seen it all before and knows what happens but is still very much looking forward to it).

Shinichi, you didn't really figure it out. You're just incredibly lucky that someone took that picture. I'm nitpicking, I know XD I TAKE THIS BACK he did have genuine reasoning beyond the picture, I should not have doubted him.

How painful the transformation is T-T I love when people make it even more so (them suffering from weaker immune systems and/or chronic pain from their bodies forcefully shrinking and growing).

Shinichi's solution to escaping: set everything on fire.

This boy and his love for property damage.

That took Gin a long time to get down the chimney. I guess he was getting Vodka to lovingly tend to the wound he gave himself. Oh and to have his booty call boss tell him to make a hit.

You, Shinichi, you could probably figure out who a person is by a strand of hair. Don't act like Gin is insane for being able to do so.

Haibara: So you understand how dangerous they are, right?

Shinichi: Yeah, that's why they're going down.

I bet Haibara wanted to slam her face against a window XD

[healingheartdogs]

Heavy content concerning cancer and euthanasia ahead.

Need to call the vet today. We made a follow up appointment for a month out the last time we went in but I'm thinking that was probably an overly optimistic time frame. When she called to give the cancer screening results she asked us about whether or not we were potentially interested in chemo and we said we needed to talk about it and she told us to take our time and that he should be okay for as long as this round of meds he's on (2 weeks). The swelling in his face, legs, and throat is already back though and he's starting to lose coordination again, although he is still up and being more active so far and walking on his own which he couldn't last week. He's also starting to not want to take his pills but only the antibiotics, he still is taking the three pain meds he's on easily enough. He is especially avoidant of the amoxicillin which I have to give him twice a day and it's becoming a struggle. I think he must have decided it's making him feel bad.

Those few good days after he got antibiotic shots at the vet last week really had me getting hopeful for a moment, but now seeing him start to get sick of his meds and deteriorating again I'm wondering how I could possibly maintain his QOL to put him through chemo. Especially because he is fear reactive, he is a bite risk, he is terrified of the vet office, and he has seizures when he gets stressed out. Our last vet visit was short and sweet and painless so it wasn't so bad for him, but I can't imagine the care required for chemo would be that way. And what would the end goal be? Just keeping him alive longer? From what I've read remission for lymphoma tends to be very temporary, and everyone I know who has lost a dog to lymphoma is telling me they regret prolonging life as long as they did for their dogs.

I keep going through this over and over in my head and talked about it with Selene and we both agree that we have doubts about our ability to keep his QOL up for something like that. Logically, I know what the choice that will cause the least suffering in the long run is. But there's such a loud voice in my head screaming furiously at me that I can't give up on him yet because he wants to live and that if I don't try everything first I'm failing him. I think no matter what choice I make here I'm going to be filled with a crushing amount of regret, either for waiting too long and prolonging suffering or because of all the what ifs of making an earlier decision and the more active role that makes me play in choosing for him to die.

[denimbex1986]

"...I wanted the film to feel vulnerable...There's been a catharsis for me; I think - in a strange sense, I've understood my parents better, I've understood parenting better. I've understood how difficult it is to say the right things and do the right things. I've understood that I can still have conversations with people that I may have loved and lost - not always through death - just through; we lose lots of people in our lives just through experience and time and location...but somehow you can still have all of those conversations in your head and somehow they can still have an impact; they can still help you move forward."

"...I feel like sometimes it's not about actually needing to have the conversations with people for real, it's about having them within ourselves. So I think lots of us who have lost people in our lives; you cannot go back, that doesn't mean you can't have conversations with them. That doesn't mean you can't sort of bring them back to life in your imagination and work through things. And I think that feels quite magical to me."

"...your parents can say or anybody in your family can say one word that can define you for the rest of your life, and you think it's not okay to be you, or that you think that's what you are and you just define yourself that way forever...you just have to be honest with yourself I suppose, and also say sorry; I think so often that's what people want to hear..."

"I think I have learned from my own experience probably more than anything which is, you know, you can only be yourself, and then all you can do is apologise for being who you are. But in life in general, you know, is know what your stuff is and where you can cause harm and then say: 'I'm sorry that I do, I know that I do, I wish I didn't, but I'm trying, I am trying.' And be open about getting things wrong...nobody gets it right, do they? All you can do is love and apologise, basically it feels like - that's it really."

"There's something that Harry does quite effectively that's really quite dangerous which is he's able to kind of sit and hide his vulnerabilities, and he places all of his kind of pain into being a good listener and a good partner, but actually doesn't overly share his own. So he's doing both things; he's receiving the pain from somebody else and not really overly explaining his own grief until the end. And I think I learned that that's a very dangerous place for a human being to be and it's unsustainable. It kind of just opened my eyes to the kind of, the amount of pain that people are going through that you don't; that wouldn't necessarily present that way; and he hides in plain sight; it's kind of a terrifying combination of things for a human being."

"He needs somebody to love him I think, and accept him, and hear him. And those things are like simple, simple, simple things that we actually - it's rare to actually like, truly listen to somebody's pain, because it's a really difficult thing to absorb, especially if you're remotely empathetic, and I think that's what Harry needs to give Adam and I think that's ultimately what Adam needs in life."

"Yeah, it's to be able I think sometimes love is like- even enough to be able to provide - you hear of someone's terrible pain and you have such empathy for them that you want to do something, you want to provide an instant solution, and I think the wonderful thing I think about what Paul achieves with Harry is that he does do that; he challenges him in a beautiful way, but also he just listens - he takes it on. And I think that's very heart-breaking about the character of Harry actually because I think it speaks so much about Harry's self worth, like you think well: 'The most important thing is that I'm there for you, and I disguise this...' - I think that's a beautiful thing to represent on screen, because I think a lot of people behave in that way."

"Well I think he's very interested in his parents meeting Adam, meeting Harry, because he can talk in the abstract about falling in love and being gay...but the most important thing is for, for him is for them to meet the person that he loves, you know, and for that reason, when they're approximate to the person their prejudice against his sexual preference or whatever, it sort of becomes irrelevant. You go: 'That's - that's who he loves: That's Harry, that's our son.' So it's not like: 'Our son is this'; you're not thinking about things in the abstract.

If people are around people that they know, they're allowed to go 'That is my annoying sister or brother that may be queer or whatever, but this is who they are', and that's why I think it's so important to have representation. So we go - it sort of allows us to take away just that singular attribute, and to look at the other attributes that gay people and queer people have, as well as non-queer people. So I think the really insidious thing about all of this stuff is, is that it's; you're drowning in this one attribute, and the thing that I find oppressive in that way is that you go: 'Well, I've got other stuff far that's more interesting that I'd like you to be - to see.' And when you're when you're near somebody, which is what proximity, and not surviving prejudice, not surviving proximity means, is your prejudice can't - other, other things come to light."

"I think it's much, much better; like, people can speak to their parents more openly about their feelings, they can come out, people are much more accepting - not everywhere and not always...I think it's better now; I still think it's difficult for people, I still think it's complicated - I still think like for Harry in the movie, you can still drift away from the centre your family, and I think the key is to keep having those difficult conversations, and sometimes we have to have those difficult conversations."

[scumshae]

i noted recently that my massive amounts of anxiety about what people think of me is probably rooted in my distrust and fear of people.

i like myself, i can't emphasize that enough, my self perception is (usually) pretty positive and healthy. but genuinely, i can't imagine anyone liking me or why they would. the idea people just inherently dislike me is basically hardwired into my brain, and usually it's fine. i can just vibe on through, they're gonna dislike me anyway. but the problem really surfaces when i want people to like me.

maybe wanting people to like me is a problem in and of itself, im bad at understanding social needs (clearly). but the way it coincides with that distrust is a fucking LOT of anxiety (and a lot of being a useless lesbian but that's for another ramble). i want them to like me but why would they, how could they? "oh god they probably hate me right now, im annoying, im not coming across right, i probably sound like a dick" etc etc etc.

it's funny because like, a thing that actually helps close friendships and relationships of mine is killing any assumptions i have of how they're feeling. i trust them, if there's any sort of issue, they can tell me, and vice versa. we communicate. but i don't have that level of communication with anyone else outside of that circle. it's unfair to say i should have that level of communication. but i assume and that's the core issue.i don't trust them, i don't trust them to speak up, i don't trust them to be honest, i don't trust them period. it's probably a habit reinforced by growing up predominantly around white people and just being utterly incapable of communicating with them with any sort of depth. it is a deep seated issue in white culture to assume and not listen, and it makes proper communication damn near impossible.

but what this leads to is a game of trying to figure out how much people dislike me. it's like taking empathy and twisting it into porcupine needles. porcupine theory is a concept that's been popping up in my head a lot recently, but im starting to wonder if it's a self inflicted issue. not to say there's no pain in human communication, but im probably seeing the needles as a lot bigger than they really are.

another issue is that i actually kinda value my distrust of people. it keeps me on my toes for shitty people. though it hasn't really worked out all that well, thinking about it. ginny and Jackie got their claws far too deep into me before i noticed how harmful they were. but i guess i see my distrust like... "well maybe itll help next time!" a certain level of distrust is healthy though. people do lie and take advantage, people are complete dickheads. but i can't pretend im not making any attempt at trying to connect with people needlessly difficult.

but... im scared. im fucking terrified of people. they hurt a LOT, they suffocate, they sand down my favorite parts of me, they turn me against myself, they make the pain they cause seem justified. im scared of that. i hate it. i can't stand most people because of it. that's where all my distrust is rooted. in the belief they'll hurt me. in the belief they hate me. that they don't want me.

im... gonna stop that before i dig down another rabbit hole. point is people scare me, and i value my distrust of them because of that. it keeps me ready i guess. but the distrust is clearly hurting me. i... don't think im gonna come to any real conclusions right now though. it's a start though, and that's always valuable.

[the-void-and-the-mirror]

Fears and anxiety

I'm afraid of a lot, y'know?

I'm afraid of crowds, I'm afraid of saying the wrong things, I'm afraid of others, afraid of others' anger, afraid of so many things. And a lot of these fears are developed by traumas.

I imagine there are many like me, especially from my generation. I know a lot of us had the kinds of parents who stepped all over us when we tried to be ourselves growing up. It makes it hard to speak up when something's wrong.

Mine definitely centres around the fear of others' anger, though. I'm always afraid of what others are thinking of me, walking on eggshells so I don't cause someone to raise their voice at me, and flinching when I think they will. Even when they won't.

When someone raises their voice, even if it's not at me, I immediately want to hide, or I just dissociate. But more often than not, it triggers my flight response. I go someplace to hide. I've had to explain to my partner, that even though I believe he expresses his anger in a very healthy way (he never takes it out on me, he calmly talks to me when I'm at fault. Still, there are times when he'll raise his voice; yelling at the computer, getting frustrated at dropping things when trying to cook. I do it too), and he understands that I just cannot deal with anger well.

That's not to say I'll dismiss others when their anger is justified. I've left a flame burner on too many times after cooking, so it was reasonable when he was upset about it and told me it absolutely had to stop. It's dangerous. And I've fully agreed and accepted fault. But I still shake, worrying about raised voices and yelling, even though he never even raised his voice. It's because my parents would yell, no matter what I did, no matter what I tried to do right. I had abusive partners that would hold things over my head. And though I would like to be supportive when someone is angry, especially in a healthy way, I can't help but dissociate at best, and give trained empathy responses in a best-case scenario.

I never know how to deal with anger. It's something that eludes me to this day. And as I work my way around it, I realise more recently that it's probably become a genuine phobia, and to bring it up in therapy for sure.

A phobia, because I always try to avoid conflict. Because I immediately default to trying to please the person I've offended, and apologising way too many times, and bending over backwards to make up for it as much as I can. I'm afraid of being in the way in the grocery store, I make an effort to almost always move out of peoples' ways. I don't like talking to my mum, because I'm afraid it's always going to be an argument. We never see eye-to-eye, and I'd rather cut her out of my life. But I'm afraid of the fight that would follow the second I cut her out. Even strangers, when I just do the slightest thing awkward for a single second, I end up terrified with a thousand thoughts in my head of how they must have thought of me.

Once in a while though, I remind myself to breathe. I remind myself I'm allowed to exist, I'm allowed to take up space, I'm allowed to do the little baby steps it takes to face something. I don't have to be perfect right away. And having someone to grow with that doesn't judge me helps immensely, too, if I dare myself to just reach out to him, to share with him my fears and pains.

And even with myself reminding me of these, it's only a little bit of kindness. Standing up for myself still takes every last ounce of energy I have, and sometimes even then, I can't will myself to. No amount of preparing or pep-talking can push my fears aside enough to do it, sometimes; a lot of the time. No amount of therapy I've had has fixed that. I've had to learn other ways to share what I'm feeling. I've learnt that writing messages for the other to read works very effectively, and I can write everything I mean. But I'll shake and cry while they read the message, terrified that it might be the relationship's end.

But when it doesn't happen, when there's understanding and mutual respect, I get just the littlest bit stronger. It tells me I can trust someone, even if it's only a little bit more. And next time, I can be a little more brave when I need to reach out. It's both the most terrifying thing I can do, and the most comforting relief when it passes. And if I can be a little more brave with one person, and have their support, I can be brave with another. And all I hope is to one day view myself as others view me, as a person worth loving and defending, and making a difference for.

The babysteps matter, every last one. I take a little bit of courage, posting my feelings here. And I hope you can find a little bit of courage in opening up to someone you trust. And if you have no one to share with yet, or aren't ready to take that step, I hope you give yourself a little bit of understanding. You don't have to make that jump today. It's okay to wait until you're ready. And when you do, I hope you find a world of support.

[lisxdumbr]

hi hi hi!! its the same anon who fell in love with your analysis :> the full translation of mirage is not out yet but what do you think about yuutas deep insecurities and the way he feels like the "worst child" out of the two oh and his kinda alarming coping mechanism of drowning in spice and how his and hinatas colour is the same with different texture and hinatas color is described as sad and lonely and- explodes

HIIII oh em gee, I have to read a proper tl of mirage, you reminded me that,, (I think a tlr I know is working on it?) I ACTUALLY skimmed through it in the morning!! but I didn't pay much attention to it because I'm still crying,, (75 pulls. clenches fist)

ANYWAY. the things you described have been seen before so, ahem, allow me.

Another 2wink ramble ★

Yuta's inferiority complex comes from his childhood experiences, you know, how he was always the small brother who needs to be "protected". Obviously this causes a disconnection in his brain, he sees himself as a person, a teen, who's the same age as Hinata, but the way people treat him are the total opposite. Yuu has an identity crisis derivated from this, that's why he's always trying to differentiate himself from Hina, he just wants a confirmation of who he really is.

This is actually funny (it isn't. It's sad actually, heartbreaking) but both of the twins have identity crisis in total opposite poles. Yuta wants to be his own person so he wants to get separated from Hinata, while Hinata isn't sure of who he actually is, so he needs to stick to Yuta to understand himself more. The painful thing about this is that,, what one of them needs is what damages the other, like opposite poles, they have a lot going on between them.

Yuu repressing his feelings is one of my favorite subjects actually!! Fun fact, I used to study psychology before so I know a bit about this. The reason why he's permanently angry is because he doesn't know how to manage his emotions properly. He never speaks about himself and we constantly see this in a lot of stories (how many times have we seen him having deprecative thoughts but not venting them towards anyone or only whispering them?). Imagine Yuta is a pressure cooker; his anger would be the amount of heat stored inside the pot, now, what happens when a pressure cooker can't vent the vapor properly? It explodes (and it's terrifying honestly) so they have to vent little amounts of vapor to control the pressure. Yuta is exactly this, he vents little amounts of constant anger to repress the actual boiling mess going on inside him. The fact that one of his insane conducts is hurting himself with spice is so,, interesting; he copes by hurting himself with the thing he loves the most. Pain is a way of repression but the thing causing that pain is what he claims to love (isn't it philosophical, even?).

Now Hinata is a different subject, as I said, Hina goes through a lot of identity crisis too, but he's more,, cautious hiding his feelings. Hina doesn't need to behave as a boiling pot, Hina is basically freezing. Permanently quiet, immovable until his feelings go numb (to make a physical analogy). Sora is obviously able to see through this, that's why Hinata has said before "when everyone asks me if I'm ok, it's easy to smile to them and answer, but when Sora asked me if I was happy... I couldn't lie to that child".

Hinata is,, going through a lot, Yuta has already revealed himself a little in the main story but Hinata lacks this development, I really hope he finds something or someone who's able to free him from that mess, he deserves to be happy too.

[krockdove]

Yes. I agree. I was hoping for a more multifaceted narrative on the human side. I think it was really important to understand the pain and trauma that the humans have been through in order to tell the Terran story, especially how they dealt deeply with the motivations of the villains. In the process, the Terrans would have faced and learned the truth that without the war, they would not have been born.

It's obviously Twitch and Thrash were born bcs GHOST hired Dorothy so her family removed to Witwicky and Mandroid sent Arachnamech to hunt down the Cybertronians. Jawbreaker, Hashtag, and Nightshade were also born in the context of fighting seeker twins. So Terrans are, to some extent, a direct result of the war. I don't know if there's a Quintus Prime or Primus conspiracy involved here, but I'm pretty sure that was very significant origin. For the Terrans, Earth is their only home, but for humans, the Terrans can be terrifying. I don't want the show to just jump over that.

As they grow up, they will develop a certain amount of disgust for the adults and themselves. They should have at least little understand how the Mandroid came to be, but at the same time, also get to know about a lot of people who didn't turn out to be like the Mandroid. there are more people who live through war and try to maintain a normal life. They may have an instinctive fear of Cybertronians, but that doesn't automatically make them enemies of the Terrans. In fact these characters would contrast more with villain who believe Cybertronians should be wiped out.

I like all of the main human characters in Earthspark, so I wanted to see their development, it's unsatisfying point. for example Dot is a really tough and strong character, but she seems to be emphasized more as Megatron's friend or the mother of children than as a person in her own right. I think there should be something hinted at about her PTSD, since she was directly involved in the war and lost her leg in a bombing. and this is just my guess, Dot was probably hit by friendly fire, because she was close to Megatron. Obviously Decepticons (except for starscream) would not have shot at their leader, that would explain Dot's reaction when the mandroid told her one of the Autobots had opened fire and the building collapsed. even if that's not the case, there's something fishy about how she lost her leg.

I'm sure her deep connection to Megatron has something to do with her desire or mentality, because she's a vulnerable human being too. it's not meaning she's a weak character, it's just that she's clearly affected by the war. She has gotten very strong beliefs, so that's probably caused conflicts with other people. According to the guidebook, she helped an injured Decepticon, and I don't think all humans saw her actions in a good light. In fact, I don't even know if she adjusted well in the military, the show doesn't really touch on that at all, but.... I think there must have been some reason her opening up to Megatron like just him opening up to her. She may have been trying to maintain her humanity in the midst of a disastrous war for the sake of her family. Megatron surrendered as a result of her action. of course she couldn't refuse him when the living embodiment of her beliefs was right in front of her.

I love the relationship between Megs and Dorothy, and I can't stop to think about the reactions of those around her when Dot became Megs' friend. It's not hard to imagine the uproar within the US military when the Cyber Strike platoon was formed....my headcanon is that Dot and Megs were co-captains, but I don't know how the rest of members would've reacted to Megatron. Perhaps some of them refused to work with her, I fully understand that and think it's something that should be explored further. it was not necessary to go into great detail about what her time in the military, but I think there should have been at least some explanation. It would have been nice to see what different perspectives the citizens of Witwicky have on Cybertronians.

and talk about villan side, Mandroid and Karen Croft are really wasted characters. There were so many more stories that could have been told. I would say that the Mandroid's search for self should've been a mirror version of the Terran's. While the Terrans are figuring out who they are, the Mandroids are figuring out who they are, with former becoming a hero and the latter a villain. He was going to find his own name in the second half, that's why Mandroid hated the name "Mandroid," because it wasn't fit his identity(he was a some sort of denial guy😔). And his relationship with Alex was important part of the show, and it's a shame that they treated it like nothing.

While I consider Dr. Meridian to be a dead man and the being called the Mandroid to be something reborn afterwards, it would still be worth knowing about the ghost of the past, if the his friend is the parent of the main characters' children. it would have been a great addition to Alex's story. Alex lost his friend in the Cybertronian war, but he's friendly and interested in the Cybertronians, and I can tell there's something angst going on here. since Meridian "died" in the building that the Autobots knocked down, the Terrans would have been reminded of what the transformers war meant.

In Croft's case, her villainous appeal, hinted at early on, was that she didn't just overwhelm the Cybertronians with firepower; she used psychological warfare to divide them. I couldn't imagine that this would remain a MacGuffin, especially when it's implied that she has a past with her brother Jon Schloder who literally has a different last name with her. On top of that, she hid the fact that she was abusing Decepticons from Jon. It's not like the other agents know either, but it's clear that she doesn't want him to know. Maybe she didn't want Jon to know because he would annoy her, but there's something more between the two of them.

They don't look alike, not just with their last names, and it seems likely that Jon is her adopted brother or something like that. She had the power to remove Jon from the GHOST if she really wanted him to have nothing to do with it, but she kept him on. (He's a parachutist, sure, but he's passionate about his job, and he trusted his sister. He really should have been in therapy after the ending of season 1...) so that I question what the U.S. government, which is rarely shown, is doing for citizens. It's almost as if they've left everything to the GHOST, and the fact that Croft mentions the president suggests that she may have had connections with the White House....they might be the villain of season 2.

It is correct that Cybertronians brought their war onto Earth, they are not exactly innocent. You wouldn't exactly blame humans' hatred for them but the thing is they can't go home, even if they want to they can't. And it's been more than a decade since the war ended.

Maybe back when the war was ongoing all that graffiti telling Transformers to "GO HOME" would've been valid but at present the Transformers cannot go home. They are stranded. That begs the question:

Well, what do we do with them now?

We can't kill them, that'd be cruel, imprisoning them would be too. A lot of them would resist the control also, GHOST spends their entire time trying to hunt down rogue 'cons in the show. The Cybertronians working alongside humans seems to be the best strategy and it seems that is what Optimus was trying to do. I'm pretty sure they also mentioned that the Autobots helped rebuild after the destruction of the war. The biggest issue would be not every Cybertronian or human would want to actually work with each other.

But currently with the space bridge being destroyed it would be a bit insensitive telling Transformers to "go home". But you could understand why when some human families have been affected by the losses in the war.

I wish the show explained this in a more morally grey way. Show more sympathy to Mandroid, show how bad the destruction the Cybertronians have caused is, show families who've lost loved ones in the war. There've clearly been suffering because of this. The humans are kinda justified but the problem is as a viewer we know that not all Cybertronians are bad, we know that they want to help people.

I've realised the show has been dealing with this problem in a purely 'Terran' perspective. To THEM it is unfair, all that discrimination, to THEM Earth is their only home. They are Transformers too but just born on Earth. They are the only purely innocent ones in this Cybertronian vs Human conflict. Cybertronians are the ones who are mostly at fault, humans are a bit justified but it would be quite morally wrong to discriminate against a population of alien diaspora isolated and stranded on a foreign planet with no way back to their home planet, also there's a possibility that their planet would be dead. As I said before, back in maybe the 80s it would be justified but at present it's a bit... yeah.

Terrans are the only innocent ones in this. That's why the discrimination in 'Home' is mostly from their perspective.

On a meta note, some people seem to forget that and immediately compare this fictional situation to real ones. I don't exactly blame them but it's not a one to one allegory to real life immigrant discrimination. I don't think we should exactly treat it as such. It's fine comparing some similarities but it's not a one to one match.

I don't believe it's particularly handled distastefully or harmfully in Earthspark, a bit simple, sure but it gets the message of discrimination across to a child audience easily. I don't think it should be compared to racism either, humans and Transformers are not even the same species. So it shouldn't be compared because on the technicality it is wrong.

[everye]

tell me please, why on earth this game supposed to be so impressive ?? ..

yeah im sitting here guessing wut am i doing to my life so i feel like share w my sorta theory

in nowhere section, alessa's hospital room after one cutscene you can hear a strange sound resonating in your ears

kinda scratching inside braincase

as it turned out, this eerie soundrack (BLESS AKIRA AND HIS MUSIC—) accompanied us for the rest of location

it's almost funne how such small detail could trigger neuron activation and lead me to conclusions LIKE THIS lol

the first link of the chain was immediate thought that harry might have a mild headache or dizziness near this place

idk how to explain this properly maybe it's just a vibe ..

but air w h i s t l e s around that hospital bed with blood-stained sheets even though it's empty

as if it keeps remains of some energy trace so far

what kind of ? good question

if you recall dahlia's monologue, it's the place where God had been nurtured for long 7 years, endless pain threshold test and immense suffering for one little girl

A Very Heart of the Nightmare

don't feel like taking it like a bunch of empty, meaningless words so let me be clear – presence of God in alessa's womb could have real, physical effects on environment or even more, living creatures. i imagine it like some kind of radiation emerging out of her body, that badly affects a human condition and reduces lifetime in general

yeah just trying to find the reason why dahlia had turned into an old hag to the moment of the first game in precisely short time and kauffman looks kind of pasty and pale w his yellowish skin like he has a serious problem w liver. other member of the order who were attending the ritual could at least develop chronic diseases

i'd like to remind here the order was a sect of private religion and had really dangerous people in it. their influence grew into various areas of town's life, we already know abt kauffman being the director of alchemilla hospital

lisa mentioned the series of strange assassinations of officials who were intending to bring some economical changes into structuring of silent hill's life, also later we discover abt murders of the drug traffic case investigators – and it can be said they're responsible for all of that

the order operated discreetly to keep existing power structure as it was

one day, lisa garland – the member of alchemilla hospital's staff was appointed to take care of new special patient

should i describe amount of shock she probably experienced? it was tremendously cruel that someone who had suffered burns covering their entire body that far beyond the fatal level – and still struggles to breathe. but since the girl was impregnated she couldn't die, the malevolent deity simply wouldn't let her. so nurse's new duties included making sure that holy mother's body – one big solid open wound – wasn't eaten by larvae

lisa was terrified so much in the face of that new circumstances, even expressed her plea to be out of that business which is totally understandable

even though she begged superior suspend her from that case, lisa was just an innocent resident and good soul. she couldn't offer them more but a honest promise

no girlie, work it

lisa had to handle it on her own without anyone's help, because the less people know about what really happened that day is better. and just one drug-addicted nurse from uninitiated is pretty convenient number to control the situation. moreover judging from the newspaper article, it was believed alessa died in the fire caused by blaze of antiquated boiler in gillespie house's basement

ok can't say why in the game initially exclusively medical staff were among possessed human enemies known us puppet nurses and puppet doctors. but we know during its events cybil becomes the same species as them and red liquid aglaophotis makes it possible for harry to rid her of the parasite's influence and save her life

now i'd like to remark that aglaophotis and ptv are both produced by white claudia – a plant indigenous to the region where silent hill is located

in other hand, this recreational drug is meant to help member of the order to communicate with the spirit guides and spiritual realm

lisa in her diary states she suffered from severe hallucinations that suspiciously clear remind of some otherworld features: insects, blood and pus coming from bathroom faucet. even though the otherworld itself firstly appeared only at the period of game? amount of ptv her organism received only grew over time, maybe it gave her some immune against spiritual realm's invasion and helped visualize true picture of suffering beyond human comprehension in this room

im inclined to think lisa eventually wasn't allowed to leave her work space at hospital's basement at all. guess, it wasn't too difficult for order to manipulate another fact in the face of public to cover lisa's sudden disappear

the thing is, she spent really dangerous amount of time in close proximity with alessa. she felt bad at the first time with constant need to throw up, but i believe her state became only worse because of God's poisonous influence. it caused breakdown of internal organs and gradually, lisa's hair and nails fell off, her skin sloughed off and finally melting flesh dripped off her face and body

and for some reason i was sure the case of lisa's death was drug overdose: by accident or on purpose. but things got more complicated when m. ito confirmed she was actually killed by valtiel. idk what to think abt it maybe an act of mercy ??

so lisa's bloody scene probably was an allusion to her body decaying and falling apart, that is to say, very light version of what could happen to her through the years of nursing her secret patient

and as long as alessa was bedridden for life she was forced to watch how the only sincerely good person in her life turns into a literal piece of meat in due of her mere p r e s e n c e

just by being there, with alessa's body

the order went too far playing with fire, no wonder why alessa acts like this. the only option left for her to prevent the birth of God is destroying the whole town and probably killing every single person in there

because she firmly believed there's a fate worse than death

[dissociated-disciple]

I feel the need to say this since DID is becoming pretty big on TikTok:

Dissociative identity disorder is not fun.

Sure, there can be funny moments like depicted in the videos. Sometimes an alter can say something funny in the headspace, or put something in a weird place that you find funny the next time you front. But for the most part? It's absolutely not fun.

There's a reason why it's called a disorder. I feel like it's been said a million times, but I'll say it a million more if I have to:

Dissociative identity disorder is a form of extreme PTSD. You need to go through an amount and intensity of trauma which your brain cannot begin to process to have this disorder.

I can't speak for everyone's experiences, but let me speak for my own while living with this disorder:

Alters aren't the primary symptom. It's mostly PTSD symptoms that affect our everyday lives. I will have flashbacks of things that I don't remember due to my DID, so I don't even know how to recover or help myself since I can't remember what happened. Imagine having a wound that hurts and bleeds uncontrollably, but you're unable to tell the doctor what it is or where it's located. That's what it feels like.

My amnesia isn't as bad as others who have this disorder, but that doesn't mean I still don't have it. Sometimes I'll switch and an alter will take medication without me remembering, or make appointments/dates that I can't keep because I don't remember. Also, amnesia isn't always both ways. While I may be able to remember things, my alters will sometimes switch out and not be able to recall a thing. This makes communication difficult since I find myself watching through a one-way mirror that my alters can't always cross. This can also go the other way around.

We have no control over who becomes an alter. Let me repeat this: we have no control over who becomes an alter. I have fictive alters that I did not choose. My brain chose them to protect me. Splitting into someone who does not understand or recognize the real world is terrifying.

Switching is uncomfortable, painful, and disorienting at best. The dissociation that follows can take me out of an exam and cost precious time that I need to get back into focus. One of my alter only switches late at night, which causes nausea, which triggers his emetophobia—he'll stay up for hours watching videos to calm himself down while we wake up in the morning being exhausted because of the lack of sleep. We have no control over when we switch, or even who we switch into. Sometime we'll have what I call "blank switches" where it feels like a switch but nothing happens. I'm still in the front but I'm dissociated as hell and unable to focus.

I will have child alters that will be triggered out by height differences. This makes my relationship with my current boyfriend, who is over a foot taller than me, incredibly difficult.

I want to reiterate that alters are not the main symptom of DID. There's a reason why people with DID get misdiagnosed with BPD or bipolar — they can feel incredibly similar, especially when you take into account how everyone deals with trauma differently. Someone might spend a lot after a PTSD-induced panic attack, others might lock themselves away in their room for days. Not one person's PTSD is the exactly the same because not one person's trauma is exactly the same. Trauma responses can also change in life. Two years ago, I showed similar symptoms to BPD. Now that I'm in a healthier mental state, my trauma responses are different. This is normal, and dare I say healthy.

Above all, whatever you are dealing with — be it DID, BPD, bipolar, CPTSD, PTSD, anything — you are loved. You are loved if your symptoms are textbook or completely unique. You are loved if you can live peacefully with your disorder or dread waking up every day. I can't say this enough — you are loved. And if you don't believe in a God who loves you, please believe this: I love you. You are all in my thoughts and prayers, and I don't want you to live a day where you think nobody wants you. You are loved.