#i can't even see how long i've been paying bc of some issues i had with my bank account a couple months ago

[gelbekritzelei]

i've seen this post so many times and i always thought "i don't have that"

well turns out i did have that and i only caught it yesterday

i don't even remember when it was, but at some point i must have gotten a free amazon prime trial. and i've been paying prime ever since without realizing.

so please check everything, esp amazon, if you've accidentally done that, bc they're not gonna remind you

(on amazon it should be sth like my account -> my prime subscription. from there you can either get prime or cancel it)

It should 100% be illegal for companies to make you give them your payment information when you sign up for a free trial version of their product. It is not necessary and there is no good fucking reason for them to do it. It’s blatantly just so they can steal forgetful customers’ money.

[clearaeipathy]

Unruffled

Kaeya x reader

_______________________________________

-trigger warnings: none

-female reader

-sorry if the reader doesn't suit you...

-thoughts are in lowercase bc idk how to type in italic

-thanks for reading! Hope you enjoy, and any feedback is appreciated

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Kaeya doesn't think there would be any other place in Teyvat that he would be than Mondstadt.

Mondstadt is predictable. The same people are selling the same things every day, and there are always familiar faces. Children are laughing and playing, adults have work to do, and everything is orderly.

Yet again, there are some welcome surprises, like visitors waiting to take in the bustling city of Mondstadt. Some surprises are not so welcome, like the attack of Stormterror, the Fatui, and suspicious strangers.

You fall into the last subcategory of unwelcome surprises. It's not Kaeya's official job, but it might as well be, for he is the one always tailing unusual travelers that come into Mondstadt, surveying them for any potential threat they could pose. Usually the people he tails turn out either friendly or harmful.

You, on the other hand, remain a mystery. With your exotic polearm and Electro vision hanging from your belt, it's clear you're no ordinary person. Maybe it's also the way you carry yourself, calm and unruffled, laidback and easygoing.

Kaeya can't help but be drawn to you. You remind him so much of, well, him.

Which is why he has to keep an eye on you at all times. He knows people like him often have an ulterior motive, and you're probably no exception.

The only issue? You're hard to follow. Weaving in and out of the crowd, stopping for what seems like a break and then disappearing, there's no doubt you know someone's watching you.

But Kaeya likes a challenge, so he'll keep this up to see how long you can last. If he says so himself, his endurance is quite extraordinary.

You stop by Wagner's, carefully studying every object that the man has for purchase. When you finally pay for the lucky item you've chosen, you murmur something to Wagner. Something that makes the man crack a rare smile.

Huh. That's his thing. Kaeya has always been the one to chat and joke with the locals, making them smile until their faces hurt. How else would he become known as "Top Candidate for Grandson-in-Law?"

Wagner waves you off as you continue on your sightseeing tour of Mondstadt. Your next stop? The Cathedral in Mondstadt, where all the people who dislike Kaeya most are. What a piece of luck.

Still, his duty is to Mondstadt. So with a disgruntled heart, he makes his way past the big doors of the cathedral into the building.

He's certain you haven't seen him yet. Judging from your alert character, he'd take a guess that you know someone's following you, but don't know who. Maybe he should just wait around outside.

It's too late now, though, as Barbara spots him. This is one of the rare days that Barbara isn't out helping the people of Mondstadt, and instead assists the other Sisters in the cathedral. Kaeya internally groans at the way things have turned out today.

"Kaeya! It's so lovely to see you here. Are you looking to pray to Barbatos?" Barbara's hopeful eyes search his face for any sign of goodwill towards the Archon, and Kaeya can't help but give in. He flashes her his trademark smirk.

"Of course, I simply couldn't miss out on the opportunity to interact with both Lord Barbatos and our precious Barbara!" He chuckles.

He takes a quick glance at you, to see if you've noticed him. Luckily, it seems you're deep in conversation with one of the sisters, so he turns back to Barbara.

"Barbara, by any chance, have you talked to Mr. Goth lately? I haven't had a chance to check up on him," Kaeya says smoothly, redirecting the focus away from prayers.

Barbara immediately responds guiltily.

"Oh no, I hadn't even thought to check up on Mr. Goth! Ah, I should've thought to talk to him, but I've been so busy helping Lisa with her books and Ellin with her bruises from training! Oh, and I haven't even made the drink for Marjorie that I said I would make her! Oh, I'm so behind..."

Kaeya couldn't help but feel bad for Barbara. Such a young girl with so many needless worries, he thought.

Just then, he saw your purple figure leave the cathedral in the corner of his eye.

that's my cue to leave.

"Barbara, as much as I would love to catch up with you, I'm afraid I have some business to attend to," Kaeya says. " Do take care of yourself." He lazily waves at her as he struts out of the cathedral.

The sun is already setting. The locals are packing up their things, some ready to go home, some ready to hit the tavern. As much as a glass sounds good, Kaeya has other things to do. It's such a shame he has to pass up on wine.

You're heading to Floral Whisper, the flower shop run by Flora. Kaeya subtly waits around With Wind Comes Glory, keeping an eye on where you might go next. You head toward Angel's Share after you've finished purchasing your flowers. Perfect.

Kaeya is a master at getting confessions out of drunkards. If he can get you to drink enough, he should have all the answers in his hands.

Kaeya strolls nonchalantly towards his favorite place in Mondstadt, hands in pockets. To anyone else, it would look like he was just walking to the tavern. But maybe you would know better.

Only there's no sign of you in the alley. Kaeya looks left and right. Surely he couldn't have lost you! You were walking into the alley as clear as day.

"Looking for someone, handsome?"

Kaeya spins around to find you. Now that you're up close, he can fully absorb all the details of his target that he's been tracking for so long.

You're wearing a purple leather jacket, with that unusual polearm strapped to your back. Your Electro vision dangles from the utility belt you wear over your leggings, and your fingers encircle a bouquet. Wait, what?

You hold out the wrapped flowers to him, smirking lightly. "Calla Lilies are your favorite flower, no?"

Kaeya takes the bouquet, a bit dumbfounded. Then he recovers his trademark grin. "And who might I have the pleasure of speaking to?"

"Kaeya, don't tell me you don't remember me. Your childhood friend, and you forgot after just a couple of years?"

Your lips curl upwards.

"I guess I'll refresh your memory then. My name's Y/N. Ring a bell yet?"

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Edit: pt 2 out now! Check masterlist

[chaoticdelinqueerwithglitter]

Reborn Again (and again and again)

(Sanzu's bday fic with tones of angst)

(Bonten HaruMai)

It's been a while since I posted my fics here bc no spoons kept my away of tumblr ( I'm gonna try to post all of them and they are always on ao3!)

But.... Sanzu Haruchiyo birthday seems like the perfect occasion for this!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LIL PINK GREMLIN, I LOVE YOU DEARLY AND YOU DESERVE THE WORLD! (but I'm gonna give you angst and a lap full of Mikey, oopsie?)

(link to ao3 in case someone wants to read it there)

Summary: Sanzu remembers his last birthday, bittersweet memories that keep his delusions afloat.

And of course, he'll never lose his faith in his king.

(even when Mikey's eyes are completely devoid of all emotion)

Warnings: Manga Spoilers (Bonten timeline, so yeah), Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Implied Suicide, Mental Health Issues (issues is an understatement xD), Toxic Codependent Relationship, Heavily Depressed Mikey, Burn Out Sanzu, Unrequited Delusional Love, and idk, is Bonten they are so totally not fine and it shows, okay?

Yeah, this fic is an emotional roller coaster, it felt like it writing it and is not less of it as a reader (or I've been told that). Oh, Sanzu is sad and horny bc you can't tell me Bonten Mikey has energy to fuck (or live)

There is a part of the fic inspired on this art, bc Mikey sleeping on Haru's lap is for some reason precious to me 💜

Sanzu was bored, his feet kept tapping the ground, his mind drifting far away from here. He should be paying attention to his surroundings, guarding the building where his king was. 

Instead, he was lost in the memories of his last birthday, almost one year ago. Wondering if it would be different this time, if Mikey remembered his promise. He shook his head, immediately feeling guilty for daring to doubt it. Of course he did, Sanzu was only feeling insecure, nothing new. 

(He had to repeat it as many times as necessary, to convince himself that Mikey’s eyes had not been completely devoid of all emotion for more than a month)

To be fair, the fact that Hangaki didn’t represent any type of threat to his king, wasn’t helping him focus on the present or to keep his thoughts from wandering back to the previous year.

Sanzu was having a shitty day. That wasn’t exactly unusual lately, he had become more and more tired during the last years few months. Exhausted would be the right word, but he couldn’t afford to rest, to even entertain the possibility that he should delegate some of his responsibilities to others if he didn’t want to end up completely burned out. But of course, he couldn't trust anyone else to perform his duties, so Sanzu was forced to continue stretching himself thin.

(If he was more honest with himself, he could admit that he had been falling apart for way too long. But he wasn’t, he couldn’t)

Whatever. He was used to it. He’s handled this weariness before — today wasn’t unique. He was a grown ass man, who definitely wouldn’t throw a tantrum just because everyone forgot it was his birthday. And twenty-seven wasn’t a memorable number either, so who cared? 

This was just Sanzu being salty, tonight's job took up more time than he anticipated, so he had to see Takeomi’s ugly face for way too long. Yeah, it was totally unrelated to the pang of jealousy he felt when he overheard the older man explaining to Kakucho how this week was special, since the anniversary of Senju’s death was close. He wasn’t that pathetic, to hold a grudge because, even now, his sister kept hogging all the attention.

(What sister? Sanzu was an only child, his own mind was playing tricks to him again)

He sighed, using his own set of keys to open the door of Mikey’s penthouse and trying to be as silent as possible. He was fully aware his king wouldn’t be sleeping — it was getting harder each day to convince him to even try it.

It was better to be quiet anyway, at least, until he had a clue of which mood he was going to find. Would it be one of those days of empty glares and cold words, where he was only ‘Sanzu’? Or…

“Haruchiyo?”

A weak whisper, but more than enough for him to quickly locate the source. Mikey was sitting on the sofa, completely in the dark except for the dim light that came through the window, proving the outside world was still there, uncaring and merciless. 

“Hey… I’m back.”

His heart sank when he got closer, finally noticing Mikey’s puffy eyes and his tear-streaked cheeks. He wanted nothing more than to comfort him, caress his beautiful face and erase any trace of pain in it. But he knew better. Years of walking on broken glass around his lover taught him better.

(Was ‘lover’ the right word? When he had to repress his own feelings, pretending there was no love in order to stay by Mikey’s side? Probably not)

“What’s wrong?” 

He asked cautiously, sitting on the nearest armchair. Mikey blinked a couple of times, looking at him in awe, almost like he was processing that Sanzu was really here.

“I thought you wouldn’t come tonight.” 

There was no point in reminding him that he could just text or call —that no matter what he was doing, Sanzu would leave it in a heartbeat to run to his king's side. Mikey was fully aware of it, but he refused to show this type of weakness.

“I’ll always come back to you, Mikey.”

He gave him a soft smile, hoping it was somehow reassuring. It seemed to work, considering the next moment he had a lap full of Mikey, wrapping his arms around Haruchiyo’s neck and hiding his face in it. He didn’t have to think twice before hugging him back and gently pulling the thin body closer.

“I’m sorry, the deal took longer than I thought.” 

A noncommittal hum was the only answer he received,  another sign that Mikey cared less every day about his own organization. It was fine, Sanzu could keep the gears turning and perfectly greased, waiting until his king was ready to step back in the game and take what was rightfully his. 

“But I’m here now, I’m right here…” 

His voice dripped with affection, his touch conveying the same feeling as he started to play with the white locks. The soft caresses spoke louder than the words he’ll never say. It was fine — he was good at hiding parts of himself, burying it with all his secrets.

(So many secrets, weighing him more every day, slowly drowning him until he couldn’t recognize his own reflection)

“You are.” Mikey finally lifted his head, looking at him like he was trying to figure out something. “Even if this morning…”

“No idea what you’re talking about.” 

It was a lie, they both knew it. Of course he remembered how detached his king had been, how disgusted he looked by his weak attempt at cuddling. The cold voice, clearly commanding him to disappear from his sight. ‘Don’t you have work to do, Sanzu?’

It was a lie, one of the many he carefully crafted for Mikey’s sake. There was no need to dwell on it when Sanzu wanted to comfort him, not burden him with guilt. Especially when the cause was his own inability to hide his stupid hopes and desires. 

“Apparently about nothing.”

“Yep, nothing at all.” He repeated, softly brushing a strand of hair out of Mikey’s eyes and kissing his forehead, earning a simper in return.

Wait, what? A smile? A coy one, small and probably easy to miss for anyone else. But not for him, Sanzu was able to spot the most subtle change in his king’s expression, and this wasn’t subtle. A genuine smile on Mikey’s face? And thanks to him? 

Sanzu’s inner turmoil disappeared. The fatigue that he constantly carried with him was gone too. Just like that, a simple gesture from his king, made everything better, all the problems more than worth it as long as it meant protecting these rare moments of happiness.

(A necessary reminder of why he kept fighting, always so restless, refusing to let go, reinventing himself over and over)

He leaned in to cross the small distance between their lips, kissing him slowly, wanting to savor the moment. There was no rush for once, and even if he longed for more, even if his body reacted to the closeness and the familiar taste, he knew too damn well Mikey’s libido had been practically nonexistent lately. 

No matter how much he yearned to go further, he’d take whatever his king offered to him without presumptions. For now, Sanzu was content with the way Mikey’s lips parted, allowing his tongue to explore freely. He couldn’t stop himself from moaning inside the kiss, realizing he sounded too desperate. 

Damn it, when was the last time they actually had sex? He couldn’t recall when it was, but he could clearly see the memories – the way Mikey whimpered in his ear, his body pressed against the shower wall… 

Fuck, he had to calm down before his own neediness tarnished this moment doing something stupid — Like pressing Mikey’s warm body down onto his growing erection, bucking his hips slightly, rubbing himself just enough to feel the friction against that tight ass he adored so much… Stop it, brain!

“Sorry…”

Sanzu pulled away from the kiss with a flustered face, looking at Mikey with glossy eyes and pressing their foreheads together, still catching his breath. 

“Why are you apologizing, Haruchiyo?” There was a sad undertone in his voice that didn't go unnoticed. “It’s me, I can’t even give you that, you should…” 

“Don’t go there.” He gently placed a finger in front of the other’s lips. “I don’t need it, okay? I can live perfectly fine without fucking.”

“But you want it.” Mikey deadpanned. 

“Of course I do, because you’re gorgeous and I can’t help feeling attracted to you.” He gave him a soft peck. “And that’s on me, you don’t owe me anything, alright? Having you in my arms like this is already the best birthday gift I could ever wish for.”

“What?!” 

“Nothing.” It was too late — he knew as soon as he saw Mikey’s eyes widening in a mix of surprise and clarity.

“Fuck, it’s July… That’s not nothing!” He groaned in frustration. “Did you get to celebrate it at least?” 

Judging by the way Mikey looked at him, the answer to this was probably written in his face. That was the exact reason why he didn’t tell him, to absolve him of the guilt, to prevent him from falling deeper into self-loathing. 

“It’s okay, we can still celebrate it together if you want-”

“It's not even your birthday anymore.” 

His rage was icy cold, Sanzu was sure the temperature of the whole room dropped a few degrees. Suddenly he was freezing, despite the anger not being directed at him for once. 

“Then we don’t? It’s not a big deal, really, there will be other occasions. It happens every year, right?” His gaze stared at him with disbelief. “What? I’m serious, I don’t need some fancy ass shit, this is already perfect.”

“Haruchiyo…” Whatever his king wanted to say, the way Sanzu hugged him tighter seemed to change his mind. Instead, he sighed, burying his face on the crook of his neck. “Fine. Next year?”

“Next year it is.” 

He started to stroke his hair once again, wanting to leave this conversation behind. It was true, his day got infinitely better the moment Mikey sat on his lap and hugged him. Sanzu couldn’t ask for more, because there was nothing but him.

“I won’t forget it, I promise.” 

Sanzu gasped at the honesty in those words, a lump in his throat that threatened to make him cry, touched by his king making a promise to him. It wasn’t going to happen, he couldn’t put his own burden on Mikey, it was his to bear alone. 

(Alone and isolated inside of his own mind)

“I know you won’t Mikey, I believe in you.” 

He whispered with raw devotion. He will never lose his faith in Mikey, because as long as his king kept breathing… Everything was possible. 

Sanzu smiled softly, melting slightly with the memory of how Mikey ended falling asleep on his lap, of how he made sure to stay still, to not interrupt the other’s dreams. If he closed his eyes, he could see how perfect Mikey looked when he woke up hours later, well rested for once. The way his face lit up when he saw that Sanzu was still there, hugging him for hours and making sure he was comfortable. He could even feel the lingering sensation of his lips on his own… Damn it, how could he miss Mikey so much when they were almost living together?

(It was due to Mikey fading in front of him, disappearing somewhere out of his reach. No, he couldn’t admit that)

He sighed, frustrated with himself. He was doing it again, yearning instead of being grateful for what he was given. 

A sudden change in the white noise from nearby pedestrians forced him to snap out of his inner turmoil. He lifted up his head, scanning the surroundings to find the source of the commotion. 

Sanzu’s eyes widened with panic, the world went silent. Except for the echo of his own delusions shattering into thousand pieces, ringing in his ears for a split second that lasted for ages.

“Mikey?!!”

[golbrocklovely]

these asks are very oddly similar. almost like the same person wrote both. but maybe i'm wrong about that lol

imma keep it a buck fifty with you, we're just gonna have to agree to disagree. and that's totally fine.

you have every right to never indulge in conversations you don't want to partake in, and that includes ones about colby's love life. if that is not your cup of tea: totally gucci, anon. feel free to ignore when i get asks about it or talk about it in general.

that being said, there are a couple things, in both asks, i want to discuss.

first, i wasn't defending myself in the previous ask you were mentioning. i was explaining my thought process, which i guess came cross as defensive.

second, i need to express that while i agree with you there are fans that do take it too far and go above and beyond when it comes colby's love life, realistically - even if i were to say "hey, stop talking about his love life. it's weird" to every anon i get, that wouldn't stop anything. just basing it off the numbers on youtube, they have ~11 mil + ppl watching them at any given time. that is ~11 mil + ppl paying attention to their every move. that's more than the population of nyc looking at them rn. do you know what would happen if i ignored an anon or if i told them they're weird for wanting to know something they think i know? they would go to someone else. and the longest game of telephone plays on.

(and of course, not every ~11 mil + ppl talk about his love life. obviously i know that. however, if you genuinely think a good majority don't partake in some way... you're wrong. before i even knew anything about snc, i knew about colby's love life. and this was back when they barely had over 2 mil subs.)

they'll go to twitter or tiktok, even worse, to see what ppl know. and there, they'll be told lies or hearsay or rumors. at least with me, when i get an ask saying "hey is colby dating X" i can tell them directly "no he's single", and hopefully that ends the search. i know in most instances it won't, but i'm not here to police what ppl do in their free time. i'm not the snc police. it's not my job to do that. and if i were to ignore asks that i get about his love life, which i do often, ppl would just find someone else that knows. so again, the cycle doesn't end.

but i agree that some fans go extremely far in their search to know about colby and who he's with. i've seen how fans befriends girls that were seen with colby and act like they are their biggest fans, only to drop them when colby does bc they no longer have a connection to him. i've seen the hate his girl friends get. i've been in this fandom for a long time. i've seen the lowest lows. i've seen the stalker-adjacent fans, and actual stalkers. it is gross. which is why i do my best to call out ppl when they are freaking out too much about him being seen with a girl. or i try to calm ppl down or straight up hide the identity of the girls he's apparently seeing bc i don't want them to get hate.

reality is, i'm not the only one who talks about his love life. hell, i'm not the only one that talks about his love life on here. if it wasn't getting talked about on here, it would be happening somewhere else. and it already does. does it make it right? i'm not here to argue that. if colby had a deep issue with it, he's a big boy. he can tell the fandom to fuck off. and he hasn't. the most he's ever said is "i don't like being shipped with my girl friends bc it makes it weird".

i do my best to defend colby bc there are plenty of ppl in this fandom that see him negatively bc of his love life. but i can't exactly defend him if i can't mention the thing that has caused the problem, aka his love life. it's a catch 22 of a situation. and i do know about the contracts you've mentioned. it's a shame that that occurs. and it's a shame that fans feel the need to hate on anyone that they're a fan of or that their idol is seen with. i don't get it personally. i think a lot of it stems from jealousy and believing you own your idol. and of course that applies to colby. but i think in an odd way, him having a love life shows others that they don't control him or own him, which is why i wish him to go and do whatever the hell he wants. it humanizes him in a way, especially when so many ppl see him as this untouchable "person".

also if you genuinely believe that "human curiosity" does not play a major role in why ppl seek out anyone's love life and info about it; gossiping - which is essentially what ppl do on here and other social media sites, has existed in its modern definition since the 1500s. the first ever printed newspaper, circa 59 BCE, is believed to have HAD gossip in it, along with other social related things. we are social creatures, who seek to learn about ppl. part of that includes love and romance, and the gossiping nature around secretive ppl. sorry, but this type of shit existed long before fandoms were ever a thing. granted, it's definitely evolved in both a good and bad way since then bc of the internet, but let's just be honest here.

again, you don't gotta listen to what i say or do. if you don't like these topics, feel free to go ahead and move about your day in other ways and ignore me. when i'm not on here, i don't really think about snc or what colby does with his free time. and i imagine a lot of other fans are the same way.

[dangerpronebuddie]

I'm so sick of feeling like this.

Just need to rant for a moment because I am so frustrated with myself.

A couple years back, I started having a constant pain in my knee. I went to the doc and he recommended physical therapy. My PT discovered my hips were really misaligned. Like how the fuck are you walking misaligned. She set them back into place (which hurt like a bitch) but then a back pain set in and whenever I walked more than like, a hundred yards, I'd get this sharp pain down the outside of my shin and into my foot (and now the pain in the foot is a constant. It's never not there anymore). But the pain in my leg would never happen during a PT session, so she couldn't figure out what to do for it. When did it actually do it during one? Ten minutes before my final appointment ended. I couldn't keep going bc my insurance wouldn't pay it. But while I was there, she had me see their spinal specialist. She had to reset my hips again, and gave me different exercises to do. Whenever I did them, a new pain would show up. It was frustrating as hell and we all kinda gave up after that. I didn't bother going back to the doc to try and get the insurance to give me more appointments because it wouldn't have done anything.

For the past two-ish years since then, I've been putting up with chronic pain in my back/hips and that stabbing pain in my lower leg. But it's fine, I can usually manage most days.

My family, more often than not, just tell me to push through when it gets really bad. I know they hurt too, they have their own issues, but it really sucks because it makes me feel like they don't believe I hurt as bad as I do.

Anyway. There's only been a few times the pain brought me to tears. It's usually that sharp pain in my leg that does it (pretty sure it's a pinched nerve pero... ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯. I stand still (or on a few memorable occasions fall over) and wait it out and then get about my business, cause what other option is there? Today though? Today was the worst I have felt in a long time.

I was cooking with my mom- something I love to do- but I've noticed lately I find it less and less enjoyable. For some stupid reason it took until today to figure out the pain is why. But anyway. My back really started to ache, but I pushed through. Mom was really hurting too (we think she and I have the same issue- whatever it is), so I just worked through it. I didn't want to leave her to finish all the work by herself. Things were fine, it was honestly a pretty average pain day. But I got up to do the dishes after we ate and a pain in the left side of my back had me sobbing. I couldn't- and still can't- stand upright. I had to have help to get to a chair. The back massager I use when it gets really bad only made it feel like pins and needles. I'm lying in bed afraid to move because the slightest wrong move will have me in tears again.

But the pain isn't what bothers me the most.

I feel useless. I'm so frustrated at the fact I don't know what's going on, let alone how to stop it. I don't know what makes it worse, what makes it better, nada. I have so little energy, some days I don't even want to leave my chair/ bed. I can't go back to the doc for it right now (which is a whole other issue in itself), so I'm left trying to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me. And coming up empty. I hate feeling like this. I hate bending over and constantly worrying if I'll be able to stand back up. I hate walking and having to stop just to let the pain subside. I hate this. I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.

[stellacadente]

so like having memory issues sucks sooo bad

i lost 2 umbrellas in like. 2 or 3 weeks maybe a month (you guessed it i can't really remember. passage of time is so hard) bc it rains, i use this neat little umbrella.... put it down at the bus stop just for a second so i can get something from my backpack and completely forget i ever had it and hop on the bus without my neat little umbrella! fuck! my mum bought me this one (i didn't lose the previous one tbf.. it broke)! so then a couple of weeks later, still without an umbrella bc yeah, i keep forgetting to buy a new one, i have to be out all day, and it's raining hard and will all day, so my mum offers to give me her umbrella. she doesn't really need to walk or anything today anyway. i'll give it back later. yeah right. except i enter the place where i have to take my driving license quiz, i put down my umbrella, right there at the entrance, and when i walk out later it's not raining and i have completely forgotten i ever had an umbrella with me. my mum's umbrella. which i leave there. bye bye to another umbrella. i tell my mum a few hours after i realize... i was scared she'd get mad. she gets mad. how can you forget this stuff all the time. just think about these things a little more. just pay more attention. ah. right. as if that's easy. i tell her! it's not easy! i feel awful about this, i feel awful every time! i'm frustrated. i want her to understand i don't do this bc i don't care about my or other people's things or don't pay attention to them. i tell her look, every time i get to work i go upstairs to refill my water bottle. then i get coffee and/or chat with coworkers. i put my water bottle down, i need my hands to get coffee. and every time. every. time. i go downstairs and realize i left my water upstairs. i curse myself, i groan, i tell myself come one nico, you must remember later/tomorrow. i almost never do. my mum sighs and laughs awkwardly. yeah, mum, i know, i'm not even 30 and my memory's already fucked. i must have some problem, i say. it's only half a joke. i know i do. she half-jokes too, oh that's for sure, haha. i just don't know which one the many problems i do in fact have are to blame for this. is it the abuse and trauma? the bpd that was the result of it? the many meds i've taken for the bpd and all the rest? the times i've abused those meds? all of those, something else? i don't know. i just know it's hard to feel like everything, from memories to objects to knowledge, is a second away from being lost to me. always. few things feel like they last. and as a person who's obsessed with forever, as a person who loves to learn and know and watch and read and listen, as a person who cares even too deeply sometimes... i feel like i lost myself every day. if myself even exists. what am i when i don't remember most of my life? when i've forgotten almost everything about people who mean the world to me, bc they've been gone for so long? i forget birthdays, i forget ages, i forget umbrellas, i forget unloading the washing machine, i forget i already told you this, i forget smiles, i forget movies, i forget things i studied, i forget i had to call, i forget i needed to add something to the guidebook, i forget if i already took my med or not, i forget my favorite concert, i forget my favorite book, i forget. i forget again.

yesterday i went on a rant on the discord server i'm in with my friends, even if i knew it wasn't likely anyone would see it, bc the server's not very active now and that channel especially, no one looks at it. but i was so so scared i'd forget what happened the other day and even worse would start doubting whether it all happened for real or i made up half of it to make up for voids in my memory. that happens often with stuff like that. the therapist i had my first appointment with was very weird about me being trans and i kept thinking about it and feeling bad and the more i think something over, something i'm upset about, the more i get scared that i'm not recalling things right. so i had to write it all down somewhere other people could, even just potentially, see, and i could look back on. i mean yeah, i also did need to talk about it, so it would've been nice if someone read and replied too, but it's okay, i just at least needed to put it down in words as soon as possible.

i guess i'm just scared it'll get worse and worse the more i age and it's already pretty bad now and yeah

[darkwingsnark]

Really sorry yer family is being shit about your disabilities and ableness to do physical and mental tasks. Its so fucking draining to be treated like that. Its so fucking degrading to be told over and over the issues and pain and dizziness and self hate you have is irrelevant because some people keep their heads so far up their asses that they DO WANT to see how much yer struggling. I'm so fucking sorry mate, it sucks so bad. I wish there was a way to help you out or make them look further than two feet ahead of them because just them asking how you are feels so nice and validating. And ik its not really my place, but as someone who had to deal with such a family and had to break the cycle and work xerself out of being non-confrontational with a whole bunch of mental and physical issues; kindly, fuck them in the most loving, hating, mentally draining, hoping, and spiteful way. I hope you hold on, bc you are worth so so so much more than they are treating you. Sorry again if this is out of line; I typed this genuinely.

Nono, no need to apologize. It's flattering you went through all the trouble. Sorry I am just getting to this now, it's been another long 6 hours of kid sitting so I didn't have the time or spoons to address this yet.

As for my family... It's a lot of them just being tired of hearing what I'm going through. I've received a lot of 'it's been this number of years, get over it' despite still living with the daily reminders and still going through current events. Trust me, I am also tired of feeling this way. Especially as my body starts shaking as I'm in the middle of holding a child, and can't have her running around the apartment. But my mother is my caretaker and representative payee, they... are responsible for my health? Like they have to take me to doctor appointments, to get my meds. But they tend to want to put it off or do this thing where they go 'I'll do this but you have to make the phone call' despite knowing I legit can't retain information because my fear puts me onto autopilot and I go into 'theater mode'. ... Rambling. Point being there's a lot that I need help with, which in all fairness my wife has been helping a lot with phone calls. But even then I'm having heart palpitations in the background having to pay attention should a question come up that i need to answer. My wife also helps a lot with the chores especially during the week when I'm in recovery mode. Problem is she's also been feeling trapped in the room with me because of 'bad vibes' throughout the rest of the house. We're just all sort of cramped in on each other currently because of my sister and her kids/boyfriend staying here. I understand they are also under stress, but taking it out on me is no excuse, especially as I'm mindful not to do that to them.

If it makes you feel better I am still trucking along. Just I hope things let up soon. I'm starting to feel similar to past health situations where I was pushed too far by family, and then my blood levels plummeted. Just sucks seeing the signs and mentioning them, and then getting blown off. Because THEY don't have any options but to rely on me.

I'm just so tired.

[starcrossed-sky]

(previous anon) thank you for the detailed answer. my knees have no cushion either! and yeah, my body does not move the way i want it to in a few ways. standing still for more than a minute or so quickly gets very painful, and the only way to mitigate it temporarily is to walk slowly or shift my weight from one foot to the other if sitting isn't an option. i have to sit when i bathe/do dishes/laundry. i've mentioned this to doctors in the past, but they just tell me to exercise more, which unfortunately is not ideal because exertion makes my base level of fatigue worse to the point where i can't keep up with my day job. i'll put a pin on seeing a physical therapist some time, though; i have been planning to look into my mobility issues for a while.

about dieting- i've always been fat, since i was a child, and i felt completely neutral about my own body. when i was a small child, it was seen as cute and a sign that my parents fed me well, but by the time i was in high school, PE class involved everyone getting their BMI measured and i was classified as obese (32 or so). ever since then, my mother has been obsessed with my weight and mentioning how worried she is for my health and how i should definitely be on a diet because i was "ballooning" (said with terror and pleading).

but i was kinda never sold on it? i have relatives who're huge into dieting and would post their gym and progress photos on facebook, but some months later i'd see them at reunions and they had already gained it all back. i even had a distant aunt whose heart gave out because she gained and lost so much weight many times throughout her life. when it came to weight loss, my stance has always been: what's the point of all that effort and expensive products/services if it's so easy to gain it back anyway? i just want my weight to be stable, not to keep going down. unfortunately, i live in southeast asia, where being fat is seen as "you're gonna have a heart attack any minute if you don't drop everything and lose weight right fucking now!!!"

if anything, the only thing that annoys me about my weight and general size/shape is that it's hard to shop for clothes and shoes in my size lol. specialized plus size stores are always more expensive, economies of scale, etc. i always gotta rely on hunting for foreign overruns or secondhand stuff since everyone's so small in my country :p

Oh god, I can't imagine trying to shop for clothes at our size (I think my BMI is also in the lower half of the 30s... not that I pay attention bc that's not what BMI was designed for) in an Asian country. It's hard enough in the US and over here, Asian sizes are notorious for "plan on buying at least one size up from your US size, probably two." I hav e enough of an interest in Asian fashion that I go looking occasionally and immediately have to laugh in pain at "size: XL waist: 112cm" type size charts. (my waist for reference is 50in/127cm)

You should definitely see a physical therapist if you can find a decent one (I have no advice for this, on account of there being an ocean between us, and also I myself have never actually used one). I only had immediate pain from standing during the worst of my Bad Hip period, but I have permanent back problems and can't stand for long periods without an assistive device (which in my case means... a heavy backpack as a counterweight. Lmao.)

Also, as far as fatigue goes, if your body is running estrogen as your primary hormone, get checked for anemia! I had horrific anemia before getting on T, and it was a definite factor in my chronic fatigue.

And, well, yeah, none of what you described with your relatives is surprising to me, as someone who has followed actual weight health science all my life as a survival need. Humans tend to vary by 5 or so pounds in either direction depending on various factors, but any weight loss of more than 10-15 lbs (please don't ask me to convert to kilos I don't have that one memorized) is like... it's medically concerning... unless the person is dieting! then it's fine!

Yeah, bullshit.

Good luck out there anon.

[skinni-girls-eat-books]

Saturday, August 24th, 2024!

2:08pm: Damn I feel so crazy rn and so ugh. I feel offended that he keeps saying I can't make a decision. I make decisions and he doesn't like what I pick = I stop making decisions. Plus he is a picky eater I literally can't deal with it. I don't want to go out, pay for food at a restaurant and he doesn't like it. That shit is annoying. Indecisive my ass, my plan two weeks ago was aquarium -> concert -> drunk bedtime/ funsy time. Turned into him saying to play it by ear for a concert..... Hello bro I need to know if I'm buying tickets or not 😑 but it was ok because I was like fuck it at least the aquarium will be fun. LITERALLY he gets TO MY HOUSE and I'm picking out my aquarium outfit and he goes ... Oh I'm tired let's go tomorrow 🙃 which is fine but he had somewhere to be at 1pm which I didn't know we were on a time crunch for the aquarium in the morning aka why would you suggest that. Oh so the other reason for not going to the aquarium Friday was it closed at 5. We would've gotten there around 2:30pm. Aka you assume that means he wants to spend about ~3 hrs at the aquarium (keep in mind I've never been, this is his idea, I am under the impression there's 3+ hrs worth of things to see there). We end up going in the morning, it's expensive af which I didn't really know but I offered to pay bc it's my weekend. We end up only going for about 1 hr...... I'm like ok bro we could've done this yesterday ?? Indecisive my ASS. I'm just kinda annoyed at that comment fr. I'll start planning the dates, where to go for dinner, what to do, but bitch don't start fucking complaining about it once I start planning shit 🤷‍♀️ I've literally never complained about any of his dates, even going to the gym. PLUS nigga I had two dates planned back to back last weekend except your dumb ass was sick so STFU‼️💯🌶️‼️

I'm kinda concerned that this football shit is about to overrun his life (mainly weekends aka the only time he'll hang out with me 💀) idk I just don't have a good feeling about this for some reason. :( He won't introduce me to anyone, nobody knows about me, which was ok before I guess but now every Saturday, he's gonna be with his friends.... Who don't know about me and I guess will not find out about me. Tbh it's giving not confident (either in himself, ME (wtf?) or both), it's giving pussy ass bitch, it's giving you are not my priority - my friends are 🚩, it's giving I act completely different around other people in some way that is incompatible with what I've told/ shown you, and I mean worst case scenario - but unlikely given how unconfident and self-proclaimed fucked up he is - he has a girlfriend or something incompatible with me being in the picture. Can we talk about the low self-esteem, woe is me, my family is fucked up and so am I mentality? That shit is annoying, mf if you don't like your family, you are 26 bitch move out ?? 💀 You are saying you have all these issues, nigga if you are aware of it then wtf why are they still there? Not to knock anyone in the healing stage, but like are you in a place to have a relationship if this shit is so prevalent in your life? I know I wasn't ready for a relationship for a long time, now I am and I feel truly like this MF is dragging his feet because he is lacking something in himself, confidence, trust issues, self-conscious about me being his gf despite saying he likes me but is afraid of what other people will think (confidence again).

I think I hit the nail on the head, he either afraid of my perception of him and/or his people, or his people's perception of me as a reflection on him WHICH to say, is totally fucked in the head and rude af. I'm glad I put this all into words because it's really rubbing me the wrong way.

[thetransomen]

Fuck fuck mother mother fuck fuck

i can't right now.

My mom's in and out of the hospital like once a week, and we barely talk. She just lays in bed all day and complains about everything. Like not to be insensitive to those with chronic illnesses, but she's *always* been like this. Even when she was healthy, she just lays in bed all day. Watches TV. And then wonders why *I*'m the one depressed. Why do *I* have so much anxiety.

She fucking screams at me if i open the blinds, bc she wants to walk around half-naked all the time (the bottom half. yeah i don't like it either). She does the absolute bare minimum of household chores, and she doesn't even make an effort to clean things up if she spills. It's like she has absolutely no self-esteem at all and never has. I can't even remember a time when she was really happy. Maybe when I was a kid, going on a vacation. The one vacation I ever remember having with her.

I just don't get her. She works all the time and takes the lowest-paying jobs, doesn't really try to improve herself. Like is this what she really thinks of herself? And how am I, her child supposed to care for her when I can barely care for myself? I have issues with money quite often and wish I made enough to move out. I have no hope of moving anywhere by myself anytime soon.

But now I'm getting desperate, because I can't care for her myself. I think she needs to move in with one of my aunts or grandma where she can actually get 24/7 help (my grandma lives with my uncle who helps her). I feel like I'm failing her, but I also think she got here by herself. She's ignored her own depression and anxiety and projected it all on me. I'd actually be a lot emotionally healthier if I didn't live with her. Especially if she hadn't been the one to "raise" me (i wasn't really raised by anyone. Maybe my grandparents and aunts and uncles. I spent far more time around them than my mom - she was always working. I never got why she never stopped working. Even working 3 jobs at once! I just wanted her to spend time with me. Instead, I spent most of my childhood alone at home. Making things up in my head. Letting my mind wander.... Kind of explains why I focus on writing as a creative pursuit, rather than performing in some way.)

I'm also at a point in my life where I'm starting to consider porn and related activities to make money. Not because I'm desperate. But rather, my libido tends to skyrocket on T, and I need lots of stimulation to get off. And it turns out, people like what I look like. I got 50+ men in my city interested with just one post.

And if I do decide to pursue that, I don't want to be anywhere near my mom when I do. She'd never find me anyway. I don't think she cares at all for porn. I just want to keep her safe and protected and never again have to work so much in her life. Like I want her to retire yesterday. She shouldn't have to work that much. NO ONE should have to work that much. Give her a fucking break. And give me a fucking break. We all need a fucking break.

You know all this would be instantly fixed if we had Unversal Basic Income? Or guaranteed housing? I think about this a lot. My situation would massively improve if that were true.

Now my aunt's trying to shame me to go to the hospital to see her. When she told me to stay home and clean. Because those are my mom's priorities. Doesn't care about herself, as long as the work gets done. Then she sits there in misery and practically enjoys feeling sorry for herself. She's done this her whole life, and it's taken me years to realize this is narcissistic behavior. Because I've noticed it in myself.

When you start to feel sorry for yourself, you actually get a huge ego. *Because* you feel worthless. Narcissistic Personality Disorder means you have extremely low self-esteem. And for me, it only got better when I realized I'm not perfect and never will be. And no one and nothing is. I accepted that I'm the same as anyone else, and I need to trust myself deeply - that's what faith is. That's where my faith in humanity lies - within myself. And with others, when I improve their day just by existing. Making eye contact. Smiling. I know I'm not worthless. I'll never be perfect. And no one else will be.

Because NPD means you feel sorry for yourself, you feel like you're supposed to be perfect. You become more concerned with being right than being kind, and that's your first mistake. Then you start to expect that of others. And well, look at society. It starts a cascading effect. To say that we don't understand depression is a bunch of BS. I mean, sure there are some people for whom it truly is inexplicable, but more often than not, it's because of some ridiculous expectation you're setting for yourself and everyone else. You get this black-and-white thinking (oh hi politics, is that you?) and you start to demonize certain people and things. And generally, you stop thinking of yourself as human, which is why you end up treating people so.

I've already written so much here, but it's safe to say I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Why I feel suffocated in my own home, why I get random bouts of anxiety. It's not coming from within. It's coming from everyone around me.

I really really think mental disorders are more social disorders than anything. But instead of a lack of communication between individuals, it's rather a lack of communication within the self. It's an introspective disorder. Maybe that's what we should re-name "abnormal psych". Because there's really nothing abnormal about it, when we're living in the abnormal society.

[astralsweetness]

I had no idea about this group History, and that's awful the industry it's already bad and the company making it worse... I can't even imagine what they had to go through, but it's good to know they are doing better nowadays. In fact I'm still in disbelief at this inhumane treatment they received that's so revolting wtf

It must've been a hard time for you, it's good to know that you're doing good with it now and they were able to move on and live a happy life!!

But Luna since I really just got to know about history do you mind telling me more about 'em? and if you can I would love some music recommendation, also how did you got into them?

About Pentagon, I don't think I can consider myself an universe, but I'm def a casual listener and I like them a lot, such great artists!!! Pentagon is also very mistreated by cube they could be so much bigger!!! so many good producers in just one group, these companies stress me out, not to mention but, lately I've been completely obsessed with Navy blue by wooseok it's soooo good I keep putting on repeat lol, honestly cube is dumb how can they just waste those talents?!

I think I can understand what you mean when you say like this "i guess in a way they are both my ult" I imagine it must feel different... I guess when Svt disband I'll also feel like this, even though there's other groups I like, I don't think it'll be the same

And about Jihoon I get iiitt I totally get itt omg he's just so 😫😫😫 I've been seriously thinking if I have two ults nowadays cuz of him

Ahhh yes I will ofc talk about them! I don't really know what to say, since it's been so long since I got to ramble about them, but I'm sure I'll manage haha.

First off, I will say that if you're interested in BTS, History's maknae Yijeong is very close to BTS' Yoongi and was featured on his.. talkshow?? for the last episode. It's got some really great insight, such as Yijeong explaining that towards the end of working as a History member he had a neurological issue where he was terrified to sing and therefore he hates watching videos of himself from that time because it brings back a lot of bad memories. (Also, Yoongi said he wishes Yijeong would sing again, and.. same. He even said he'd pay for all the hospital fees LOL). Just had to mention it bcs it's one of the rare instances where we actually got to see a History member on screen again, and talking about History.

Anyway! I honestly, legitimately don't remember how I got into History. It wasn't their debut - maybe their first comeback? I wasn't a fan of their debut song Dreamer, though it's definitely grown on me over time. I think Tell Me Love was when I fell for them. I saw Yijeong in a skirt and them trying to make Kyungil look young and went. Yea. These stupid men. I like 'em LOL. (It also helped that I knew about Dokyun bcs of the brief stint where he was lead singer for the band Buzz, in place of Min Kyunghoon).

They don't have a huge discography so it's actually fairly easy to just recommend you all their title tracks.. and it also helps that their title tracks are fucking great.

What Am I To You has a great Latin vibe to the music that, in 2013, was not happening in other kpop songs, along with great choreo and great vocals.. what else do you need lol. Psycho had great choreography and brilliant story-telling in the MV. Might Just Die.. I am so fucking conflicted on. It's probably my least favorite title track of theirs, for various reasons (the injuries sustained while being taught to do the dangerous choreography, having to starve and dehydrate themselves, etc), but it's also their most well-known bcs… shirtless lol. LOST is STILL one of my favorite songs of theirs (I love grittier sounding stuff) and I think they really nailed the vibe of a "one-recording" MV without it looking cheap even tho it.. incredibly was (I recognize everything they're wearing as actual clothes they just own lol). And Queen.. man, what can I say about that song. It's got more views than their shirtless MV and I think was exactly what the industry was looking for at the time - unfortunately, it came too late for LOEN to see any need to continue funding them. I also included a clip of the horrible Show Champion stage for Queen that was covered in water, where Jaeho falls at the very end and breaks his wrist INTO the microphone. Feel free to skip but it's.. wild.

It's hard to recommend bsides of theirs bcs they just didn't have the chance to perform many of their earlier ones, or there's no good quality videos since they're all fan-taken haha.

I'm someone who really, really loves choreography, so I've got to mention their choreography video for What Am I To You, if only because seeing the way Jaeho's hat somehow manages to stay on while Kyungil loses his is kind of hilarious lol. Also obligatory mention of their choreography video for Might Just Die that they did fully blindfolded, until the jump. It's insane, especially since only one of them had a dance background or even LIKED to dance lol. I also really like Ghost's choreo, but I included it below lol.

Personal favorite bsides for me are Blind (it feels very old, but I love it), Blue Moon, Wake Up!, and Beautiful My Girl (the latter two of which are Japanese, so we have no official audios of them online anywhere and are stuck with only performances unless you have the cd.. rip. welcome to the bad video quality from 8+ years ago lol) as well as vocalist Yijeong's... rap song.. 1Century hehe which is a fuckin bop. People also really like Ghost (tho this isn't the full version, ft. Kyungil again losing his hat) and Wild Boy is an.. interesting song lol.

I think this is probably the most iconic version of Wild Boy, simply because Kyungil acknowledged he was severely hungover during it and they were all just vibing and having a good time lol. You'll notice they're very loose with their choreography - this was how they always were unless it was a title track, a choreography video, or a big, professional stage. It's definitely different from how idol groups feel nowadays, and most likely was a product of four out of the five members not being told ahead of time they'd need to dance to be in the group & none of them really cared about it, they just cared about having a good time lol. (Yijeong and Kyungil both jump off the stage in this performance and literally just go vibe in the crowd for a while lol, which was very in-line with how they approached performances). This is not the group to look at if you want clean lines in choreography all the time lol.. a big change from Seventeen, who I know you like.

A couple of them have gone on to have solo careers - Kyungil currently goes by 1il, but his stuff is so.. hit or miss sounding to people that I'm not sure it's worth recommending anything haha. I will say though that his MV for Love It is insane. I love it, pun intended. I have been waiting to see that man get choked by a woman for years and he finally gave it to me LOL. Jaeho is currently working under the name KIMNANO, and his stuff feels very vibey with R&B or ballad roots mixed in.

As for Pentagon, you're right about that - but Cube pretty much mistreats all their artists unless they're making them a substantial amount of money, which is why they're so focused on GIDLE and only GIDLE lol. If GIDLE hadn't blown up initially with their debut we absolutely would not be seeing as much funding for them.

And yeah, I think you pretty much hit the nail on the head - I can't quantify my love for History, or Pentagon, or Seventeen. They all mean different things to me and were there for me in different ways and at different times.

jihoon pls you'd make such a pretty girlfriend i love u

[cellsshapedlikestars]

Potentially one shot prompts

Secret romance with the bosses daughter

The Starks conspire to have Jon and Sansa share a room/bed

Jon gets a concussion and forgets he’s married to Sansa but hey this redheaded trauma nurse seems super sexy and amazing

Stark siblings hate JonSa and conspire to break them up but it backfired bc duh

Sansa works with rhaegar who keeps trying to set me up with his son Jaehyrs but she’s super uninterested cuz she has a crush on Jon

Hello, dear anon, I've been sitting on these prompts for a while now? I can't remember how long, but long enough I think. I read them again this morning while answering some other asks and an idea popped into my head.

Be warned, I wrote this all in one go in a very short amount of time, so ignore... you know, just any issues. Spelling, grammar, plot, characterization...

The prompt I have chosen for this is: Sansa works with Rhaegar, who keeps trying to set her up with his son Jaehaerys, but she's not interested because she has a crush on Jon.

..

..

There are a lot of pros to Sansa's job.

She loves the work, it pays better than she had expected to get straight out of college, and she really likes all her coworkers so far. She'd been a bit hesitant in joining such a large company, so sure that the atmosphere would be toxic and her boss cartoonishly evil. But Rhaeger Targaryen is no Miranda Priestly. Mostly Rhaegar just tells really bad jokes that she at first tried to laugh at, until she realized no one else did and so she stopped trying. Rhaeger didn't seem to notice (or care?), continuing to tell them and laughing at them himself. He's a little out of touch with reality, being – you know – a billionaire CEO, but otherwise he's not too bad.

Except that he keeps trying to set her up with his son.

I really think you and Jaehaerys would hit it off.

Sansa had politely declined.

She's never met Jaehaerys, but she has met Aegon, and no thank you. Aegon is.... well, again, he could be worse for a billionaire's son, but she would never be able to date him. First and foremost, he winks at her every time he leaves his dad's office. Her little desk isn't too far from Rhaegar's office and she gets that wink every single time. Second, he doesn't do anything. Sure, he has some generic title at the company, but she has never actually seen him do work. Occasionally he shows up at meetings, she guesses to fill some sort of quota, and spends the entire time on his phone, not paying attention and eating all the donuts. Sansa's family has money, but they've always stressed the importance of work.

So the fact that she has never once seen Jaehaerys does not bode well. She knows Rhaegar's other son (from a different woman, the scandal) works for the company, too, but she has never, not once, even caught a glimpse of him. He must be even lazier than Aegon.

(Rhaenys, however, is no slouch. Neither is Dany. Dany sort of terrifies her, actually. She could definitely qualify as a Miranda Priestly.)

Sansa might be scared of Dany, but Dany is actually the reason Sansa has a job here. She'd been hired on as a temp to help update the company's social media, and they'd liked her work so much, she'd been hired on full time as part of their new social media and marketing team. She's helping to drag Targaryen Inc out of the stone age, according to Dany. She's in charge of their Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram presence and so far, she thinks she's really killing it. At least, no one has told her that she's not.

The door to Rhaegar's office opens and she looks up and her heart does that annoying little flutter when she sees him. He has to walk by her desk – everyone who comes to see Rhaegar does – and when he catches her looking, he gives her that same little half smile he always does.

“Hey Jon,” she calls when he gets close enough. “The boss having computer problems again?”

“Isn't he always?” Jon jokes and Sansa laughs maybe a bit too loud. Curse this dumb little schoolgirl crush she has on Jon the IT guy. It had started her first day here, when she'd needed help setting up her computer and accounts and logins. She'd tried doing it over the phone, but eventually Jon had sighed and said he'd just come up and help her in person. She's been a goner ever since.

He heads out towards the elevator and she tries not to stare at his ass on the way. Those jeans should be illegal, she thinks. They have to be against some sort of company dress code.

She almost squeals when a spray of water hits her.

“Down girl,” Myranda says, pointing her water spritzer in Sansa's direction – a threat.

“Stop doing that!” Sansa hisses, wiping droplets of water off her face. “I'm not one of your plants.”

Myranda likes to keep her little desk jungle property hydrated, and Sansa hears that spray bottle going at least twice a day. More, if Jon walks by – then the spray bottle is turned on her.

“You know, it's been a while since you've had computer trouble,” Myranda turns back to her computer and puts the bottle down.

“I don't know what you mean,” Sansa sniffs, knowing exactly what Myranda means. She will deny until her dying breath that she keeps messing things up on her computer on purpose, just to get Jon the hot IT guy up here.

Jon the hot IT guy with his tight jeans and his tight t-shirts and his glasses and that little bun that she wants to take out just to see what his hair looks like down...

“Don't make me spray you again,” Myranda sing-songs and it snaps her out of her daydreams.

Sansa does not respond to this.

…

“You really should let me set you up with Jaehaerys,” Rhaeger tells her one morning, after he had overheard her telling Mya about her absolutely disastrous date the night before.

Sansa tries very hard not to say something terrible because one – Rhaegar is her boss, two – she's already embarrassed enough that her boss overheard her complaining about her love life, and three – Rhaegar is her boss.

“That's really ok,” Sansa says diplomatically. “I wouldn't want to date someone within the company, you know what they say.”

She really is wary of dating someone she works with, though that isn't the real reason she doesn't want to date Jaehaerys.

(She would break this rule for Jon, though.)

“You two have so much in common!” Rhaegar cries, dramatic as always. “You both like that... computer stuff,” he waves his hands around, as if that indicates computer stuff.

Another point against Jaehaerys, Sansa thinks. Yes, she does social media marketing for a living, but her own personal social media is wildly different. Jaehaerys is probably one of those guys who posts nonstop shirtless selfies while drinking cocktails on some yacht. That's a hard no for her.

Maybe at one point in her life, she would've been into that sort of guy, but she's grown up and her tastes have changed. (Her problem, she knows, is that it's taken her too long to realize that her tastes have changed, and she keeps trying to date the same type of guys she dated in high school. It isn't working.)

“Think about it!” Rhaegar calls after her as she and Mya leave the break room.

…

“Here's the problem,” Jon mutters. “How did this even get deleted?”

He says it more to himself than to her, and Sansa ignores the pointed look from Myranda. “That's so weird,” she says, innocently of course. “You think I'd be better with computers, considering...”

Jon looks up at her and gives her that tentative half smile that sends her pulse fluttering. “That's alright, I don't mind getting calls from you. And hey, you saved me from having to walk Barbrey through how to send an email for the thousandth time. Sam got to take that call.” His smile turns into a full grin and she can't help but grin back at him.

“There, that's going to reinstall and then you should be good to go,” Jon stands from her chair. Sansa had been perched on the edge of her desk, watching, and she hops down and tries to smooth out her skirt.

“Thanks, again,” she says, so awkwardly that she somehow feels like she's thirteen again, trying to flirt with a cute boy in class. It doesn't help that even though he's very nice to her, he seems to hold himself at a distance, and she has come to the conclusion that he has absolutely no interest in her and finds her offputting. And then, just to really make things worse, she asks, “are you going to the Christmas party?”

“Sort of have to,” Jon shrugs and waves in the general direction of Rhaegar's office.

“Right,” she nods. She guesses that makes sense – Jon is the only IT guy she ever sees coming out of Rhaegar's office. He must be high up or something? It would make sense he'd have to go to the office Christmas party if he's the boss's go-to IT person.

When Jon is gone, she manages to dodge the spray of water that Myranda aims her way.

…

Oh, but he looks good in a suit.

Why couldn't he look terrible? Why does the universe hate her?

She'd spent so long picking out the perfect dress, but now that she's here, she's deeply regretting it. She feels ridiculous, though she knows she has no reason to. Her dress is not as scandalous as, say, Margaery's, and it's not as fancy as any of the Targaryen's. But still. Her dress sparkles in the light and she's convinced that instead of festive, she just looks like a golden disco ball.

She's a disco ball and Jon looks too good in a suit. It isn't fair.

“Just go talk to him,” Myranda nudges at her. “I swear, I cannot keep watching you make heart eyes at him. It's giving me hives.”

“Don't pressure her,” Mya argues. “I don't blame her for being cautious about getting involved with someone like that.”

Sansa's not quite sure what that means, she guesses Mya means someone as attractive as Jon?

She's about to thank Mya for the defense, when Mya continues, “plus, she's not giving him heart eyes, she's giving him fuck me eyes.”

“I am not!” she hisses at her two friends. Or, she thought they were friends.

“I think it's both,” Myranda muses. “Fuck me and then cuddle me eyes.”

“I hate you both,” Sansa says with as much dignity as she can muster and then walks away from them, towards the refreshment table. There, she grabs a glass of champagne (and tells herself this will be the only one. She's heard horror stories of the time Viserys got drunk at one of these holiday parties. Sansa didn't work here then and it was years ago, but everyone still laughs about it. She will not be that person).

Out of the corner of her eye, she sees someone come to stand next to her and her heart does that incredibly annoying flutter that it always does around Jon.

“You made it,” he says casually, and she turns just in time to catch him eyeing up her dress. His eyes snap back to her face, but... but he was definitely checking her out, right? Or maybe he was just so distracted by how obnoxiously sparkly her dress is.

“Look at you in a suit,” she teases, trying for casual. “I thought you only owned the one pair of jeans and black t-shirt.”

“I take offense to that,” he says, not sounding offended in the slightest. “You should see my closet, it's filled with all sorts of color.”

“Oh?”

“I've got greys,” he nods solemnly. “And dark blues. Even some dark greens.”

“A veritable rainbow,” she agrees, which makes him smile. She tries not to blurt out that she'd be very happy to come see his closet.

They're interrupted in the worst way – Rhaegar shows up and says, “ah! Sansa! I was just telling Egg that this was the night I set you up with Jaehaerys, and here you are!”

Sansa can feel a horrible, splotchy blush start to rise on her chest and make it's way up her throat and to her cheeks.

“I appreciate the offer, but-”

“Dad,” Jon sighs at the same time. “You have got to stop.”

For a moment the world tilts slightly off center and Sansa turns to look at Jon. “What?”

Jon winces and looks back at her and says, “you've already said no, I told him to stop bothering you about it.”

She can hear Rhaegar saying something about how great they'd be, but she can't... she doesn't...

“You're Jaehaerys?”

Confusion flits over Jon's face as he looks from her to Rhaegar. When she turns to Rhaegar, he looks just as confused. She knows she's confused.

“I don't go by it, obviously,” Jon grumbles.

“Nonsense,” Rhaegar frowns. “It's your name. It's a good, strong, family name.”

“He and my mom couldn't agree on a name,” Jon scratches at his beard like he's uncomfortable with the whole situation. “To this day she swears she only signed the birth certificate because she was high on pain meds at the time.”

“You're Jaehaerys,” she repeats, like an idiot.

“You didn't know?” Rhaegar asks.

How did she not know?

The clues had all been there – he's into computer stuff, Rhaegar had said. Getting involved with someone like that, Mya had said. The only IT person that ever goes into Rhaegar's office, and goes in often. How Rhaegar seemed to mention setting her up with Jaehaerys most often after a visit from Jon. Little pieces start to fall into place from the past six months and Sansa wants the ground to open up and swallow her whole.

“Look,” Jon sighs, “I'm sorry if he keeps... this is your place of work and you've been doing really well, don't let him scare you off. I told him it was probably some sort of harassment - you said no, that should-”

“Well, I would've said yes if I knew it was you!” she blurts out.

“Ha!” Rhaegar nearly shouts, grin on his face as he punches Jon in the arm. “I knew it!”

“Wait, you would've?” Jon asks, ignoring his father.

Sansa can feel the heat in her face as she shrugs and nods. “I thought Jaehaerys was like...” she can't help when she looks over at where Aegon is standing, hitting on Margaery.

“There's a reason I didn't suggest you date Aegon,” Rhaegar says with an exaggerated roll of his eyes, as if he's pointing out the obvious. “Now Jaehaerys, here...”

“Dad,” Jon sighs. “I'd like to talk to Sansa alone, could you go?”

Rhaegar manages to look both deeply offended and highly pleased at the same time. But he doesn't argue and leaves them alone.

“I really didn't know it was you,” Sansa murmurs, looking down at her champagne glass instead of him.

“I thought you weren't interested,” Jon clears his throat and she can see him fidget awkwardly with his watch, like he just needs something to do with his hands.

“I thought you weren't interested,” she looks up at him then, remembering all the times he'd seemed to hold back around her and it hits her that it's because he thought she turned him down. Through his dad, sure, but still. “Did you... did you ask Rhaegar to ask me?”

“No,” Jon laughs. “He did that all on his own. Though he may have gotten the idea because...” he trails off with a grimace, but she waits him out, staring at him until he continues, “I may have talked about you after I helped set up your accounts. A lot. Rhaegar might be... eccentric, but he isn't stupid.”

No, Sansa does know that. For all his dumb jokes and disconnect from the real world, there's still a reason Targaryen Inc has been at the top of it's game for decades.

“Well,” Sansa says slowly, hopefully, “if Jaehaerys wanted to ask me out himself, I'm sure I'd say yes.”

There's a smile on Jon's face now, and not that hesitant little half smile he usually wears around her. “Sansa,” he starts, and she hums out an acknowledgment, trying to keep her own smile at bay. “Would you like to go out with me sometime?”

“Oh, I don't normally date coworkers,” she says, and tries not to laugh when his face falls, “but I think I can make an exception for you.”

Jon's smile could light up the room, she thinks.

“I have one request,” he says. “Just don't call me Jaehaerys?”

[sckyie]

song: driver’s license by olivia rodrigo

word count: 2.5k

genre + warnings: angst; swearing, fear of driving, reminiscing in old memories

pronouns used: she/her

a/n: this was orignially supposed to just be an imagine inspired by the song, not apart of the song series but it fits too well to not change oikawa’s song. i also wrote this for @kybabi​​ bc i love her :D n e wayz enjoy :) (part 2)

"So here you're going to turn and he'll make you do a parallel park in the street. You remember how to do that right?" Oikawa asked as he guided you to the next turn. As you turn the steering wheel, you spot a crowded curbside.

"No, can you please please park for me? I hate parallel parking," You pleaded.

"Only because you asked so nicely," He teased.

Ever since you told your best friend that you wanted to learn how to drive, Oikawa never let it go whenever you wanted to hang out. Having you drive him around for practice and giving you tips as you went. He's helped you a ton while you drove around, the only issues you had were parallel parking and merging onto the highway.

"Maybe we should try the highway again," Oikawa said after you two switched seats.

"Are you asking for a death wish?" You joked. "I drive too slow and I'm scare to merge into lanes."

"We can practice on smaller freeways if you want," He asks.

"No," You growled.

It was always a terrifying thing to drive on the highway. You always saw those horrid accidents and feared being in one. Oikawa would always put his hand on your thigh as you merged to calm you down. Just having him be there was enough to get you to get onto the highway. All your fears just faded with him beside you.

Just having this intimate driving lesson with him was enough for you. You grew to fall in love in your best friend. A cliché thing, yet you couldn't say anything. Only you and your girl friends knew about your big crush. It was a funny thing, falling for your childhood best friend. Iwaizumi always joked about you doing so but you never admitted to liking Oikawa. What would that do to your friendship?

Today was the day, it was your test day. The scariest thing you anticipated was finally here. The thing you practiced days on end with Oikawa. The thing that could either make or break you. Today, you'd either come out with your license or you'll be walking home.

The nerves crept up your body like spiders leaving a trail of anxiety webs. You bounced you leg as you waited in the lobby looking out for your driving instructor. As your sweaty palms go to check the time, you notice a text message from Oikawa.

butthead: hey! good luck on your test today!

That's what cooled you down. A simple saying of good fortune will help, right? Sure enough, the test was a breeze, minus the parallel parking as it was the one mistake you got. You happily drove home to tell the news to your parents.

"Have you told Tooru yet?" Your mom asked.

"I'll wait until my actual driver license to prove to him I got it," You smiled.

"You like him don't you?" Your mom gestured to the joy on your face. "I can tell."

"No," You looked away from your mom as she raised her eyebrow. "Okay, maybe but you can't say anything. I'm going to my room now." She chuckled as you dragged you feet to your room.

Two weeks passes and you finally received your license in the mail. You smiled happily down at your new card as you walked outside the school building. You looked up to search for your best friend. Your eyes scanned the courtyard before landing on Iwaizumi. Assuming Oikawa was nearby, you headed towards him.

"Hey Iwa, where's Oiks?" You asked. Iwaizumi raised up his hand and pointed across to the gate. You looked over to find Oikawa talking to Kasumi, a classmate of yours.

"He's asking her to go on a date with him again," Iwaizumi says.

Again? He's done it before?

"Are they dating?" You ask.

"Not yet, Oikawa wants to ask her to be his girlfriend on the date," Iwa explains. "What's that?" He points to your hands as you fiddled with the corner of your driver's license.

"Oh," You said solemnly. "I got my license."

You waved goodbye to your childhood friend before going into he parking lot. Without thinking, you started the car and just began to drive. Out of the school and onto who knows where. Your mind grew blank as you drove.

How could he not mention Kasumi to you? He used to tell you everything but lately he'd been so distant. Maybe that's why he hasn't texted you all week, you thought. Who could blame him for liking Kasumi? She's so pretty and not to mention how smart she is. She's the class representative and she's one of the nicest girls around.

You fell for the one man you shouldn't have. It was too late to even confess how you felt. He was already falling for another while you were left behind. You felt a sharp pain in your chest as you drove by familiar buildings.

The laundromat where you and Oikawa would go to help with the laundry. You both would end up messing around and your parents would have to kick you two out. You and Oikawa would go across the street to the convenience store to buy steamed buns.

He doesn't like you.

The library where you would wait for Oikawa to finish practice so you two could study together. He'd bring you a bottle of tea and some sort of snack to keep you from burning out. Those study dates where you'd stay until the library was closed.

Give up, stop thinking of him.

The ramen restaurant where Oikawa would take you if he won a game. It was a great celebration and you two had made so many memories there. You two had gone there so often, he convinced the owner that you were his girlfriend.

Let him go.

All the feelings you had for him began to ache in your heart as you reminisced in the memories. You gripped tighter on the wheel as you saw an highway exit. "Fuck," You whispered as you merged into the fast lane. Suddenly all those fears you had of driving, just disappeared. You felt this peace as your eyes locked on the long highway. It was like, nothing hurt anymore. Your tensed shoulders relaxed, yet you felt tears roll down your cheeks. You took deep breaths as you drove attempting to stop your tears.

Soon enough, driving on the highway had shifted from a phobia to an escape. Everyday after school, rather than meeting up with Oikawa and Iwaizumi before practice, you'd drive on the highway and on backroads. It was the only thing that kept you sane when you see Kasumi with Oikawa together.

You became accustomed to the fast pace of the highways. Occasionally you'd speed if you felt some type of pain grow in your chest. You'd blast music to drown out any thoughts or feelings you had. You knew Oikawa could never be yours, so why bother crying over him, right? The thought of being around him began to make you uncomfortable. If you kept your distance, you wouldn't get hurt. You wouldn't be considered a distraction.

butthead: hey?

you: what's up?

butthead: it's been a while since i've seen you :( i miss my best friend

you: are you sure you mean to text me or iwa?

butthead: you, y/n i miss hanging with you

butthead: you didn't come to the restaurant after our game

you: i was busy, sorry

butthead: :(

you: i gotta go, ill talk to you later

Oikawa sighed at his phone and looked across the table to Iwaizumi. "Have you talked to Y/n lately?" He asked.

"Yeah, she borrowed gas money from me," Iwa says before slurping his noodles.

"Gas money? She got her license?" Oikawa tilts his head. "How long has it been?"

"A month? You got caught up with Kasumi," Iwaizumi says.

"Hmph," Oikawa huffed as he sipped his drink. He'd been spending so much time with Kasumi that he forgot about you. Or was it, you started to forget about him? He glances at the window behind Iwa and noticed a familiar car parking.

You parked your car across the street of the restaurant next to a convenience store. You quickly got out and went into the store looking for something to drink. As you began to scan the fridge, you heard the door open. "Y/n?" You turned to find Oikawa.

"What are you doing here?" You turned back to grab a soda.

"Iwa came to eat with me since you didn't make it," Oikawa says. "He's still there, did you want to join us?"

"No thanks, I'm kinda busy at the moment," You say dully. Oikawa goes to speak but you had already walked to go pay for your drink. "Later Oikawa."

"Oikawa?" He watched as you left the store and into your car. He follows suit and watched you speed off. Oikawa quickly makes his way back to the restaurant and seats himself disgruntled. "Y/n called me Oikawa..."

"That's your name isn't it?" Iwaizumi raised his eyebrow.

"She always calls me Oiks or Ru, never Oikawa," He says. "Did I do something wrong?"

Iwaizumi shrugged even though he knew the answer well enough. After Oikawa had asked Kasumi to be his girlfriend, your demeanor had changed. Iwa was the first to notice too. Typically, after school you'd see the duo before practice started, yet since you learnt Oikawa had eyes for another, you stopped.

One day, Iwaizumi decided to follow after you when school was over. He trailed behind as you walked to your car door. You pulled open the door handle only for Iwa to shut the door immediately after. You turned to find Iwaizumi with scrunched eyebrows. "What's wrong with you?" He asked. "Why haven't you came by before practice?"

"No reason, I'm just busy," You lied.

"Liar, what's wrong?" He asks yet you remained silent. "I won't tell Shittykawa just tell me why you're being so distant...and also why your eyes are always puffy."

You paused before answering, "I'm just...upset with Oikawa...and Kasumi.."

"Do you..?" Iwaizumi implied. You nod and looked at the ground. "What have you been doing since you found out about them?"

"Driving," You sighed. "Just driving...It's keep me off my mind all week. I bear the fact that he looks so happy with her and not...me. God I'm so stupid."

"Don't say that-" Iwa started but you immediately lashed out.

"It's true! I was too late to confess! And I fell for the one boy I can't have!" You felt tears well up in your eyes. "I can't even drive by certain places without getting upset. I take backroads and I avoid them completely. I hate driving by his house but it's the only way to my own. He just treats me like another fucking fan girl! I'm just so stupid for falling for my best friend." Since that day, Iwaizumi kept to his promise. Not word about your feelings were said to Oikawa.

butthead: hey are you busy right now ?

you: no, what's up?

butthead: can you help me with something?

you: depends

butthead: meet me at the library so i can tell you more :)

You locked you phone and tossed it into your passenger's seat. You looked up to see the light change to green, allowing you to speed into the highway. Your hands rested at the bottom of the wheel as you drove. The slow, lo-fi music surrounded your car as you drove which let you get out of your trapped mind.

It was a crazy thought to think that you and Oikawa were so excited to drive together. Yet now all you want to do is drive alone. You turned up the volume of your music as you merged into your neighborhood. You leaned further back into your seat as you were driving around the suburbs. You glance at the white cars lining one street leading to the library. You scoffed at the sight as a repressed memory resurfaced.

"Why do you like white cars so much?" You chuckled.

"Because they look clean and nice? Sorry I don't like your basic silver car," Oikawa raised his hand to block your face.

"I'm basic? Says the one who wants an automatic," You pretend to throw up to mock him.

"For someone who can't drive yet, you talk big," Oikawa pats your head only to be smacked a few seconds late. Oikawa drapes his arm over you as you walked down the street to the library The entire walk was filled with mocking and talking about the future. "Let me teach you how to drive, that way we could go out together more."

You finally arrived at the library, spotting Oikawa before parking the car. He watches as you easily parallel park and is stunned by how casual you are as you drove. You set out and approach him. Oikawa holds out a snack to you but you politely refuse.

"Let's go inside?" He asks. You shrugged and followed him in. Rather than sitting beside him like usual, you sat across from him. You still had those feelings for him but you couldn't stand sitting next to him. Your heart was pounding out of your chest as you anticipated his next words. "I was wondering if you could help me with Kasumi?"

Ouch.

"With what?" You ask.

"I want to give her a gift, right?" He starts. "A gift that goes along with me telling her I love her."

He loves her?

Your heart aches but you decide to move past that. "Isn't it a bit early to say I love you?"

"Well, we were long time friends before we started dating and I feel like it's the right time to, y'know?" Oikawa leans forward on the table. "Can you help me find a gift?"

This feels familiar. Helping him find a gift for a girl that isn't you. It seems like anytime he does have a crush he'd come to you for advice. This is the first time that you didn't want to give into his favors.

"No," You sighed.

"No? Wait why not?" He raised his eyebrows at you.

"Because," Say it. "Because I-"

"Because?" Oikawa tilts his head at your response.

"Because I can't keep doing things like this for you," You stood up and began heading for the entrance. Oikawa followed afterwards as he could see the pain in your voice.

"Y/n, talk to me, we haven't talked in forever. Tell me what's wrong," He says as you exit the library. You ignore his voice and reached for your car door. He grabs your arm but you shove him off.

"Would you just- leave me alone?" You snapped. "I don't want to help you, okay?"

"What did I do?" Oikawa was beyond confused at your response.

"I- You- Ugh! Just go away, I don't want to see you!" Your voice cracked as the suppressed feelings began to rise again.

"Why not!" Oikawa grabbed your arm again, this time you weren't able to break free.

"Because I fucking loved you idiot!" You yelled. Hot tears streamed down your cheeks as you stopped struggling in his hold. Oikawa paused and stared at you in wonder.

"You...loved me?" He asked.

"I still fucking love you! God, I hate you- I just- Let go!" You pulled off him. "I'm leaving. If you try to stop me, I'm never speaking to you again." You wiped your tears as you entered your car. Driving off into the neighborhood, crying at the red lights knowing you could've ruined your whole friendship.

Oikawa watched as you sped off. Those words lingered in his ear as he stared down at his hand where you let go. His mind was lost in thought, how could his best friend love him? Was he that blind that he couldn't see your admiration? "She...loves me?" He thought.

taglist: @amillionfandoms-onlyoneme​ @d0llpie​ @elianetsantana @joy-laufeyson @kac-chowsballs

[dizavid]

I'd like to start a discussion where we share stupid reasons FB has banned people. Due to recent issues w FB over the past few years, I've noticed a MARKED increase in just how much I'm being reported. Last week, I was banned from going live or advertising bc of a post I made over a year previous, as if someone intentionally dug for a way to find any reason to ban me. The post in question? An article about people who hugged a man about to jump off a bridge, holding him in place so he could both not jump and feel ppl care. I'm also very, very verbal in my hatred of Mark Zuckerberg, and I get these bans almost everytime I say anything about Zuck. The comments in question are never the reason I'm banned, but they come very soon after.

So. First off, I'm part of a few groups that are like a humor support for people harassed online by men; the kind who either send nudity and hate when rejected. As a gay man, I often (and am allowed) to post some of the same types I encounter. So to needfully explain the one where I "dedicatedly hate women", was in response to a post where someone said a list of things such kinda of guys say. I was adding to it. In context it fits, and a lot of what I get banned for is NEVER reviewed for context. See the photo where I describe messages I often get from men, who call me names and worse if I reject their advances. It was even put in quotation marks. I don't believe sharing your own past harassment should be an issue; it's welcomed in that group. I literally got a ban for things other people have said to me. Then, there's the woman I got into a debate about Colin Kaepernick over. I was accused of saying something anti-Australian, though it can't be what I said that was worthy of a ban, as my response to the accusation got me banned.

Sadly it's been too long for me to dig in my history, but this one is one of my favorites: I got a ban for a pic of a chubby guy, who had his nipple in his mouth captioned: see bitch I don't need u. The guy was OBVIOUSLY male. It was banned for nudity. So apparently even men cannot post shirtless pics unless they are firm and fit.

On one hand this is all so amusing to me, just seeing the obvious reach to try to ban. On another it worries me. Recall I was banned from advertising for the post about people saving the suicidal mans life. Thankfully, I do not remotely use FB for anything business related. But other people *do*, and it's scary to think FB is wielding people's livelihoods over their heads just bc they don't like Zucky. This, and he specifically, needs to be stopped. Some people, esp people with an online business, are just one missed payment away from default, going overdrawn, or even the final step away from bankruptcy. Given there's absolutely NOTHING wrong w the heartwarming story, I can't convince myself it's anything other than someone from FB actively antagonizing me. That sounds so fucking crazy to me...until that other pic I've yet to discuss. I intentionally went on a Fuckerberg rant Saturday, testing how long it took for a ban hammer to come down. Three days.

With all the legal trouble FB is having, it may well soon come to light FB targets specific people. Not saying they definitely are, saying there's enough reason to need to investigate it. If they are? There's a class action lawsuit from Hell to be had. So screenshot and save any bans or other interactions with FB directly that you feel are less than honest. It might pay off one day. By all means, pass around.

[colour-outside-the-liness]

Oh Disneyland Paris sounds fun yeah! Were you and your roommate already close then? I went to Walt Disney's world with my aunt and cousin when I was like 11 but it would've been way more fun if I could've taken my best friend with me for sure. Maybe we can go to the one in Paris now that she lives just 3h away from me! Oh I see, sounds like LA was really fun for you yeah! your roommate didn't mind third wheeling tho? Hahaha

Yeah Canada is beautiful but what I liked about it the most was the massive improvement in quality of life I had compared to where I was living before and just being able to be who I am and people accepting me for it. Not being worried about violence 24/7 felt pretty fucking great too. So yeah I highly recommend living there if you ever get a chance. But I am loving Portugal so far, people are a bit more judgemental here tho but I like that it's easier to travel to a lot of countries I've always wanted to go to. Everywhere you go there are pros and cons tho so sorting out priorities is key. But Toronto is my favourite of all the places I've been, before living there for a year I had already been two times!

Jesus 50 states, sometimes I forget how big the US is. And you can totally do it if you plan it out! After watching Bly Manor tho I really want to go to Vermont especially during autumn season looks really pretty! There's this fic I love (only the sun by prestonarchives) where Dani and Jamie go on a road trip from Vermont to Maine and I did their entire journey on Google maps street view bc I was so obsessed with this one chapter fanfic I had to immerse myself entirety in it hahaha. So now I want to go there irl. Here's the link if you haven't read it before!

https://bit.ly/3BLy4WR

Omg I totally remember reading that on CBML and being a bit confused bc I was like why would she think you can't see the moon from the great wall of China HAHAHA but I thought it was really funny and endearing yeah it's even funnier now that I know you said it irl haha.

Oh so ENFP-T means extraverted, intuitive, feeling and prospecting personality with a bit of turbulence. Which just means you're curious, perceptive, enthusiastic, an excellent communicator, festive and good-natured. On the other hand you can be disorganized, unfucosed, a people pleaser, overcommitted, too optimistic and restless.

I wonder what Jamies and Danis mbti are as well as their zodiac signs 🤔 I think Jamie might be an ISTP-A bc she's definitely an introvert, very practical, stubborn, assertive, layed back and energetic at the same time. And Dani is either an ENFP-T like you or an ESFJ-T with the whole selfless thing going on.

AE already made it canon that Jamie's an aries (and it makes sense) but I can't figure Dani out. I've thought about her being a leo ♌ bc she's generous, passionate, warm-harted and dominant in her own way and THE HAIR haha. But she's got some pisces ♓ vibes going on too...idk. aaand I'm back at it again with the astrology signs haha.

To be fair your recent drunken exp it was dark and at least you didn't think the road sign was a bear or something (don't know what kind of wild animals you've got over there) that you wrestled with and ended up in a ditch and your best friend let you believe that happened for 3 years up until recently haha. 😂 but yeah some things happen for a reason, having life threatening health issues doesn't sound great tho, but I guess it's a good thing it stops you from drinking too much and making dumb decisions. And hey maybe I secretly want that to happen again idk maybe moving countries is not exciting enough, I have to go out and make a complete drunken fool out of myself in a completely foreign place hahaha. I guess that did kinda happen last month when my best friend came to visit me from Spain and we got drunk on wine, I got lost on the way back home and it was way past curfew. 🤔 shit I'm 29 will I ever learn...

Episode 9 is 😢😍🥰😰😭🤬☠️ just the worst roller-coaster I didn't even know I was on. Haha I was more pissed off than heartbroken the first time I watched it ngl.

Well then maybe the way you do accents is friendly and funny so people can't really get mad at you haha. Like Dani! Oh so that's called a Geordie accent! I see, it's really really cool. AE said Jamie is from Lancashire but that's a whole county isn't it? Idk if there's a specific accent to this region. Knowing you speak kinda like Jamie is something else tho, I think if anyone who spoke like her ever talked to me irl I wouldn't be able to pay attention to what they were saying 😂 just the accent haha.

Oh so you already have 4k something words for it nice. I'm kinda starting to feel an obsession with this medieval AU growing in me, I made a Pinterest board just for it ngl hahaha but I'm still resisting creating anything for it, I did a face study yesterday for Dani and Jamie to see if I finally pick up the idea and just do it but my brain was still like "I don't want to do this rn" and was just being a little bitch about it so I'll just let it cook for longer see if we can reach an agreement eventually (if ever) haha.

Glad to hear you had a good weekend! Even if it left you feeling exhausted in the end. And yeah it makes sense for you to say you don't have favourites haha! Have a great week Colour, take care! 👋✨

Yeah me and my roommate have been friends since we were like 14 so when we went to Disney Land we asked if we could be roomed together because we've been best friends for that long now... been best friends since school and now we live together. She's seen me at my best, my worst, has seen me in all my stages in life and has been there for a lot of the rough stuff I've been through and I've been there for all the stuff she's been through!! Nah she didn't mind at all we had some moments where me and my ex would just go and be a couple and have dates but my ex didn't want me travelling that far alone so invited my roommate too because she didn't like the thought of me flying 11hours alone or being in airports alone so my roommate came with me and we had a great time Awwh good I'm glad it was such a nice place and that you didn't worry about violence all the time but I'm so sorry you ever had to worry about that anyway that can't be easy. I would honestly love to live in Canada I really hope I get chance one day... I'm glad you're loving Portugal but sorry people are judgemental there but I am glad it's easy for you to travel around to other places... oh yeah every place has it's pros and cons I mean England has some pros but it sure has a lot of cons too so I know all about that Yeah America is SO big but I do want to get around all 50 states at some point and I am stubborn enough and determined enough to make it happen eventually even if I don't get around them all until I'm like 70 I'll make it happen haha!! No I haven't read that fic but it sounds amazing so I'll definitely check it out thank you for sending me the link Yeah... that really happened to me and it was just a dumb moment where I had this momentary lapse of knowledge in my brain and now I look back at that question and I'm just like... "you idiot" and this is why people are shocked when I get questions in quizzes right because I have said some really dumb stuff but I'm glad people found it funny and endearing... and I'm glad it makes it better to know I really said that haha Oooo I didn't know that, I like that and I think it's definitely fitting for me!! I think from what you've said about what ENFP-T means Dani could easily be that too and I don't know anything about the other one but I will take your word for it matching Dani because you know way more about this stuff than I do. I have no idea for Jamie though. And with zodiac signs I love that Amelia looked at Jamie and thought she was an Aries, as for Dani I have NO idea what her zodiac would be... in CBML she's a Leo but in MoU with what I have planned for her birthday she'd be a virgo but I don't know anything about zodiacs... all I know is all the pieces I've ever met have been the opposite of what Dani is so maybe that has something to do with their whole charts but I know a lot of other people always make her a Pieces and I trust what other people say about zodiacs more than what I know about them because I really know NOTHING about them haha Nah I knew it was a road sign because of how heavy and hard it was- nah we have no bears where I live... I don't think we have many dangerous animals where I live... got a couple of badgers that can be pretty aggressive but that's about it we don't have much that is scary here or at least not in the little part of England I live. Having life threatening health issues has been hard and since having my spleen removed in January (that was the surgery I needed to try and fix the issue I had) things are even harder now because I have to take antibiotics for the rest of my life to stop me getting any infections because if I ever get a chest infection now or a really bad cold it can be really dangerous but I take it all in my stride and not drinking is just a way to make sure the antibiotics actually work properly and to make sure nothing happens to me... and like you said, means I don't do anything dumb too... haha drunken stories are the best I have been lost a few times when I've been drunk... and I don't think you do learn, I have siblings that are

like 40 and still do dumb shit... I know at 27 I am still doing dumb shit too I don't think I'll ever learn haha 😂 Its such an emotional roller coaster and honestly I was just devastated the first time I watched it... no TV show or movie has ever made me cry the way Bly Manor did when I first saw it and it still makes me cry now. I can cry just thinking about that last episode. I definitely mean it in a friendly way so I hope it comes across like that. Yeah the accent in Billy Elliot is a Geordie accent and its my favourite accent there are other accents around the north that are called different things. Yeah Lancashire is a county and again in Lancashire there are loads of different accents I can't really pinpoint Jamie's down to a city I just know it's Northern. I'm from Yorkshire but don't have a strong Yorkshire accent I just have a Northern accent, like people never believe I'm from the place I'm from because I don't sound like I am but you can definitely tell I'm northern... honestly there are so many accents in England... you can drive for two hours in any direction in England and the accent will change like two times at least it's insane... see a lot of people say that but I am not a HUGE fan of the northern accent and I think it's because I grew up there. I much prefer Dani's accent to Jamie's but like I said to me, Jamie just talks normal there is no accent really haha Yeah 4k words for it but it's all jumbled up it's not like a chronological story yet it's just all over the place haha but I hope I can get it all structured properly soon!! Awwh good I'm glad you're already interested in this medieval AU!! That makes sense you're resisting creating for it but I think it's so cool you did a face study for Dani and Jamie even if you didn't wanna finish it I think letting things cook for a while is always a good idea if you're not in the right headspace right away I had such a good weekend but I am so tired and today I had a busy day too celebrating my roommate's boyfriend's birthday so I've had so many days that have been so busy and right now I am just really to sleep haha!! Yeah definitely don't have favourites but I have spent more time with one of my nieces than the others simply because I always look after her if her mum and dad are working and I'm not... like until I start this new job I am looking after her for an hour every day after school while she waits for her mum and dad to finish work but I don't have favourites haha!! Thank you so much I hope you had a great weekend and that you have a great week too!!

[verobatto]

Destiel Chronicles

(Vol. XIX)

It was a love story from the very beginning.

Tell me the Truth

(6x04/6x05/6x06/6x07/6x08/6x13)

Hello my dear! How have you been? I'm here with another volume from this Chronicles.

This time I want to talk about the truth as a recurrent topic in the first half of this season.

I'm gonna mix some bi Dean concept too, this will be mostly a Dean centric meta.

O want to give thanks to my friend @agusvedder , she couldn't make me the gifs for this meta but we discussed a lot about this topic. Thank you girl!

Let's start...

Saying goodbye to Lisa and Ben

Ok, I will collect here an amount of observations I made in several chapters in which we can see Dean breaking up with Lisa and Ben as his family.

In episode 6x06 Live Free or Twihard , calling back to 6x02, we had Dean feeling himself a monster and becoming one.

At the beginning of the episode, the Winchester brothers went to investigate to a house, a girl's room, vampires fan. Dean found a book and this is what he reads...

DEAN. Look at this. He's WATCHING her sleep. How is that not rape-y?

This is very significant because when Dean is turning into a vampire, he decided to go visit Lisa and Ben to say goodbye... So when he arrives, he just stays there by Lisa's bed watching her sleep. As a real monster. After this we all recall he pushed Ben violently and ran away. This was the beginning of the end.

In episode 6x06 "You can't handle the truth" written by Sera Gamble, even when it was a very Wincest episode, it had a very interesting topic about ASKING THE TRUTH YOU CAN'T EFFORT.

And related with Lisa here, he called her, and because he had asked for the truth, he receives the truth from her. A very hard one. She snapped at him this...

LISA: You've got so much buried in there, and you push it down, and you push it down. Do you honestly think that you can go through life like that and not freak out? Just, what, drink half a fifth a night and you're good?

DEAN: You knew what you signed up for.

Dean is excusing himself with her, she knew, he's like this. He won't change. Hunting is his life.

LISA: Yeah. But I didn't expect Sam to come back. And I'm glad he's okay. I am. But the minute he walked through that door, I knew. It was over. You two have the most unhealthy, tangled-up, crazy thing I've ever seen. And as long as he's in your life, you're never gonna be happy.That came out so much harsher than I meant.

Here, we have the pathologic codependency between them, but as it was written, and here's my opinion, is screaming Wincest all over, we know Sera was a fervent fan of the boys, and this doesn't surprises me. Lisa is being very hard and honest with Dean. Things are not Al right between them.

DEAN: It's not your fault.

LISA: I'm not saying don't be close to Sam. I'm close to my sister. But if she got killed, I wouldn't bring her back from the dead!

DEAN: Okay, Lis... I'm not gonna lie. Okay, me and Sam, we... we've got issues. No doubt. But you and Ben --

Here is Dean saying "Everything you had just said is truth", so more Wincest for the bag.

LISA: Me and Ben can't be in this with you. I'm sorry.

And this was the end for sure.

In this same episode, we had this scene...

Gif set credit @paladeckis

The woman is dressed in lavanda color, si, basically, is a Lisa's mirror here,asking for a lot of attention and Dean is giving her that not very hopeful answer... So yeah, Dean had decided which life he wants for him. Maybe, and as I said before, he doesn't feel he deserves a good life, or maybe because he feels like a dangerous monster that can destroy good things.

Now... Let's jump to 6x07 "Family Matters"...

There's a singular quote by the Alpha Vampire:

DEAN: I didn't realize we were on a first-name basis.

ALPHA VAMPIRE: Of course we are. After all, you were my child... for a time. Dean, tell me... did you enjoy it?

Ok, I know this is a creepy way to see it, but... Immediately after episode 6x06 we had this. And beacuse Dean is in the break up process with Lisa and Ben, this could be taken as a Dean/Ben mirror... Ben was the "monster's son" for a while, or at least that way is how Dean see it inside of him. So, symbolically, we are talking about that here.

Now... Episode 6x08 "All dogs go to Heaven" a very blantant Dean mirror with the dog-man here... First of all... Remember the monster watching in silence while the woman sleeps?? We have the same again here... The dog-man (skinwalker) his name was Lucky.

There was interesting words exchanging between Dean and Lucky, and please pay attention to Dean's speech...

DEAN: Hang on, Sam. [to LUCKY (MAN)] Listen, you don't have to tell me why you're with the family. I get it.

LUCKY (MAN): Oh, you do, do you?

DEAN: You killed every threat that came near them. You care about them, in your own whack-a-doodle kind of way. It's obvious. What I want to know is, who was that guy you were kibitzing with? He a skinwalker, too?

So... Isn't it Dean talking to himself? Do he feel like a abandoned and hurted dog that needed a refuge? A family? Now... Check this other quote...

DEAN: What are you gonna do to that family, really? You gonna put your jaws around that little boy's throat? Clamp down, listen to him cry for his mom? 'Cause I'm gonna guess that these are the only people who in your pathetic life have ever showed you any kindness. So it's either that... or you can help us stop it.

Again, the scene of Dean pushing Ben against the wall when he was about to transform into a vampire (a monster) and then... Again talking to himself. Is so blantant that my heart broke instantly...

After this, Dean decided not to shoot him bc he knew that dog was him... But things didn't end well for Lucky...

When he tries to come back to Mandy and her son, this is what happened...

MANDY: Get away from this house, you psycho. And if you ever, ever come near me or my son again, so help me...

LUCKY (MAN): I know I probably deserve...

MANDY closes and locks the door.

This is the end for the monster that wanted to have a family, the difference here is... Dean really wanted to have this kind of life?

And the answer we already know...

Gif set credit @frozen-delight

Dean is puting salt on the windows while he's saying he's out... Tell the truth Dean.

And in 6x13 "Unforgettable" Dean said another thing to his brother (to himself) to put a final period here...

DEAN: Sam, y-y-you got to understand that all that crap last year -- all of it -- none of it was you.

Ok Dean, we get it. This last year trying to be a man with a normal life and family, it wasn't you. It was a lie.

Sam's lies and foreshadowing Castiel's secrets

Before to continuó with this meta... I promised you some bi-Dean scene... Here you have.

Look how Dean checks out the police man and he even greeted him that way. As we know... Dean likes uniforms... 😉 (This gif was made by my gorgeous friend Agus!)

Ok... Let's start with the brothers here...

We all recall that scene when Sam just watched as Dean was turned into a vampire. Ok... So Dean saw it too. And that was one of his biggest alarms about his brother. This happened in episode 6x05.

In episode 6x06, another interesting parallel with the Winchesters brother and Sam's lies.

SAM: You know what a "tell" is?

OLIVIA: Excuse me?

SAM: It's a poker term... for when you're bluffing. Like what you just did with your hair.

OLIVIA: What are you trying to say?

SAM: You're lying.

DEAN is surprised at the force of SAM's inquiry.

OLIVIA: What?!

SAM: Tell us what you did to your sister.

Ok big parallel each time Dean wanted to obtain the truth about what happened with the vampire and why he didn't take care of him.

So after this we had the big scene with VERITAS, and very very WINCEST thing right here...

Gif credit @whiskeyandwhine

Look at their hands touching... Yep very disgusting and very Sera Gamble era. 😒 I'm just pointing things here for you to see what this woman wanted to do with the show.

Let's see continue now with CAS.

In this same episode we had another confession that could be analyze as a parallel and foreshadow of Castiel and his secrets.

SAM: So, you had some idea Corey might have taken her own life?

ROOMMATE: Well... she had been going through a bit of a hard time lately... at school. And then, um, her cat, Mittens, had just ran away. But, really, it was her boyfriend. She was sure that he was cheating on her. But he was just very good at covering his tracks. Which, of course, made her completely obsessed with --

Ok we are here talking about Castiel... The "boyfriend" term will be use by Balthazar twice, one with Dean and the other with Sam, referencing to Castiel. Castiel is the boyfriend, and he is cheating on Dean and Sam.

Gif credit @never-forget-viva-la-pluto

Gif set credit @sam-spirit-winchester

Also, making Balthazar calling Castiel as the Winchesters's boyfriend, equally... Another SERA GAMBLE tool, "look Cas isn't Dean's boyfriend, is Sammy's boyfriend too, so... Is irrelevant."

Episode 6x07 we had the boys discovering SAMUEL was working for Crowley, so the entire episode is a big foreshadow of what was about to happen when Dean, Sam and Bobby discover Castiel's deal with the King of Hell. And is also the episode in which the idea about Purgatory and the power of souls is presented.

And ironically, we'll have Dean and Sam literally working for Crowley too, so ... A little hole in the narrative here... But hey... We don't talk about this Season, don't we?

To conclude

Dean asked for the truth and he had it with his brother and he will have it with Castiel, the problem is... Is he ready to handle it?

The first half of the season was a foreshadow for Castiel's secret and we could see in many episodes how the writers showed us what Dean felt by leaving Ben and Lisa and how he will have to handle with a big betrayal.

In Sera Gamble era we had a lot of references to Wincest and holes in the narrative, that we will see more often in the incoming episodes.

I hope you like this! C-u in the next Chronicles!

Tagging

@magnificent-winged-beast

@emblue-sparks @weirddorkylittlediana @michyribeiro @whyjm @koshisekisen @legendary-destiel @a-bit-of-influence @thatwitchydestielfan @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @lykanyouko @evvvissticante @savannadarkbaby @angelneedshunter @trickster-archangel @dea-stiel @bre95611 @thewolfathedoor @charlottemanchmal @neii3n @deathswaywardson @followyourenergy @dean-is-bi-till-i-die @hekatelilith-blog @avidbkwrm @anarchiana @mishka-the-angel-of-saturday @dickpuncher365 @vampyrosa @xsghn @foxyroxe-art @authorsararayne @anonymoustitans @mybonsai1976 @love-neve-dies @wildligia @dustythewind @wayward-winchester67 @angelwithashotgunandtrenchcoat @trashblackrainbow @deeutdutdutdoh @destiel-is--endgame @destiel-shipper-11 @larrem88 @charmedbycastiel

If you want to be tagged, please let me know.

If you want to check the previous season 6 Chronicles, the links are here: XV, XVI, XVII, XVIII.

Buenos Aires July 11st 2019 1:47 AM