#i can't do this.
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Hey, guys, I've been trying my best to get through the day and stuff, and I really just can't do this right now. I'm struggling pretty hardcore. I'm trying to post things that aren't, like, horribly depressing or something, and I even had plans to post a prayer or two, but I just can't do this. There's a lot happening in my life, outside of the major historical events, and I don't really have much support in-person for a lot of it (partially due to the crazy shit happening). Seeing so many people reaching critical points of depression, anxiety, and nihilism has had an extremely negative impact on me. Everyone is processing this in their own way, and I'm not bashing on that; it's just not good for me to be around. So I'll be heading out for a while. How long, I can't say, but it's clear to me that I need to go away.
Take care, everyone, and please remember to prioritize your mental health, too, whatever that looks like for you. I'm sorry I couldn't do more to be encouraging during this time. Genuinely, please take care. 🧡
#blog post#i can't do this.#some part of me just wants to give up entirely honestly.#but I know i won't (which is almost kind of annoying im a way)#i wish i was allowed to be angry#and i wish i knew how to direct that anger#and i wish a lot of things.#I'm sure many people do.
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i can't fucking believe this i can't fucking believe this why did no one tell me david was on a show with a STREET HYPNOTIST and got HYPNOTISED are you KIDDING ME I'M SURPRISED I SURVIVED THIS
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not to fucking mention. the fucking time travel seeing the future shit. like i already sort of thought the fourth dimension might be more fluid to us than we think but oh my days. wow.
#david tennant#!!!!!!#i can't survive this#i'm going to die from this my all time favourite hypnosis fics are already of fucking david tennant characters getting hypnotised bC HE'S M#Y CRUSH#i can't survive this guys i can't survive this i am literally. i'm. i'm fucking turned on by hypnosis i am not doing well#i can't do this#googeol how to mjake this happen again with me there#FUCK. WHAT#i can't do this.#i literally have a fucking hypnokink guys this is not good for me#i can't do this..#i cAN'T DO THIS;#video#what thr fuck#this is so old#i am three years older than this video#i'm going insane#this has BEEN THERE.#FUCK#marzipan speaks#;;;;;;;::.;:.#fuckign.#tennantposting#I FUCKING GUESS#david tennant vid#oh good lord
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SUPERMAN FOR ALL SEASONS #1
#I CAN'T DO THIS.#comics#dc#superman for all seasons#superman for all seasons 1#the kents#clark kent#jonathan kent#martha kent#photo#tais toi lys#lys reads comics#*panels
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i will burn down all of monaco if charles or max don't win. no one else. NO ONE ELSE.
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I've been looking at job listings for like two hours and I feel more useless and stupid than ever before.
#literally like. I can't do anything :)#I don't feel qualified for most office jobs even though I studied business at uni#not because of the degree or what I learned or didn't learn#I just feel extremely incapable and overwhelmed and even the thought of applying for any of these jobs makes me so anxious that it feels#like I'm gonna vomit#I can't do this.#and I can't do any physical jobs either.#no customer service stuff because I tried that and it was absolute hell#idk I just. don't want to try and then fail again after a month. I think that would just be. the end. like. I wouldn't be able to try#again after that#so I can't just apply for everything anyway.#I don't know.#other people can do this#everyone does it#but I feel like I'm gonna die#ugh.. wouldn't that be nice#personal#also. it's 6 am. I haven't slept. awesome! :)))
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ohhhh i'm fucked. i am so fucked
#i can't fucking draw anymore and i have like two weeks to finish this fucking project#i can't do this.#um. i'm gonna have to#well.#i make this post every two weeks i swear#persimmon's rambles
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WHY DO I GET GENDER ENVY FROM MUTANT TURTLES I'M IN HELL
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........
this is it i quit i can’t do this. i can’t do this. as if the DossSS weren’t already disgusting now you’re adding that to the table? all while making me suffer because of Justin’s voice? why would you do this to me.
#Lobelia who's whole thing is that he gets off to screams of pain#in the band where the bassist loves to stab their drummer#bc the drummer gets off from the pain???#i can't do this.#i can't.#(im being overdramatic for the bit i'm having a blastĂ #ichablogging gbf#ichablogging dandyevent
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tears. tears are forming.
Sometimes I feel like I’m still there
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Combining my two biggest fixations atm <3
Edit: bonus comic!!
#I suck at drawing Laios#It's the armor I just can't do it#my art#dunmeshi laios#laios fanart#Dungeon meshi#Undertale#Undertale fanart#flowey#Undertale flowey#Fanart
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Motaz Azaiza interviewed by Ajstream after fleeing Gaza, please do watch the whole interview...
#he just turned 24 yo#I can't imagine how many dreams aborted by what's happening#please do watch the whole interview#motaz azaiza#free palestine#gaza
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#i don't believe that people for serious reasons sort their books any way but by author#and then obviously by release date/series within that#i am being told that i am being JUDGY#also if you sort your books any other way HOW DO YOU FIND THEM#i really need to know#polls#can't believe i forgot to include genre in here
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you said you were stuck in a time loop, which was fine. i feel like late-stage capitalism has us all in a time loop, ammiright? you came barging in at 5:33. in the morning. i hadn't even processed the idea of coffee.
but you had this look of utter panic in your eyes. terror like the ocean. you grabbed my cheeks. im in a time loop.
i don't know why in movies the first reaction is to deny it. when someone is panicking like that, it's not appropriate to ask them to calm down. it didn't matter if i believed it, what mattered was that you believed it so much that it was consuming you.
so here we are. i pour you some of the dark roast. "you look like utter and entire hell," i say.
you push your fingers into your eyes. "you always say that."
i try to think of something funny to say that i wouldn't have said on previous time loops, but jokes don't land without the proper timing (lol). "remind me to think -"
"-yeah, of a joke that only works in the future. and before you say anything, i know you're pissed i just stole your punchline." you bolt the coffee, which is wild. it's very hot. you don't seem to notice.
i blow on mine to cool it down. i both am very pissed at you and also i can't see you in this amount of panic without wanting to help. but i'm also not really sure what we are, not since i saw you kiss her like that, no offense. it just was like, kind of rude when you knew i liked you.
and besides. i'm just like, barely a person. i write omegaverse fanfiction. i love the concept of a time loop, but what the fuck am i gonna do? send an alpha in there? i open my mouth.
you point at me. "you're about to ask why me. and then say some disparaging shit about yourself. i'm just a nerd who plays dnd or something. that self-own is slightly different each time." you sigh. "i know you think you can't really help me. i don't know who can help me. i only came to you because you fucking believe me." you check your watch, sigh, and throw your head back. you cover your eyes with one hand. "i've come here on 26 separate revolutions," you say. "you have believed me every time. and yeah, i have no idea how you fit into this but i just -" you sigh again. "i just like fucking talking to someone about it."
"do you need more cof-" i start, but you're already holding the empty cup out. i frown at it. "you're not getting any more until you promise not to bolt this one like an animal."
you laugh a little and sit up, pushing your hair out of your face. "okay, that's new dialogue. but to be fair to you, i'm not usually this rude. i'm still pretty new at all of this." you check your watch again. another sigh. i guess you're cruising for a personal best in the Sigh Olympics.
i almost tell you im not an NPC but i've played enough video games to know i'm very much an NPC. i pour you another cup. "so what happens in the loop?"
"really bad explosion." you mutter into the mug. you put your elbows on the table (rude) and bury your face in your arms like an angsty teenager. one hand floats up while you talk, because evidently you literally can't talk without your hands. "i have to save the day and there's this bomb and i have no bomb training and it keeps moving, you know."
"do i die?"
you peek up from your arms. "yeah. bigtime. you keep trying to run or stay or do anything and you always super die."
"oh."
"to be fair, like, everyone dies in it though.... so you're in good company."
i hate that you make me laugh. i hate that being around you always feels tingly and strange, this electric tension between us. something that is evidently (given how you stuck your tongue down a stranger's throat literally 3 days ago) (well. 3 for me) super one-sided. i take a sip of my coffee and close my eyes.
i die today, i guess. a little spark of panic starts at the top of my hands and starts whipping up my wrists.
"shit," you say. you look at your watch and jump to your feet. "i have to go. if i can come back, i will. i am still trying to figure out when is best to do everything, you know? the order of stuff. maybe morning isn't good for us."
i look up at you and think about how you keep kissing me in the back of my car and in alleyways and in the dark. and i can never fucking get a read on you. and i also think about how incredibly panicked you look. how broken. how long have you been doing this? "i don't want to die," i say.
you glance downwards. "well, you're not really dead, you'll come back in the loop."
"but i will have died." my hands are shaking. i am trying really hard to stay calm.
you push your hands through your hair again. "i really have to go. i will have this discussion with the next version of you, though. it is like, something i am thinking about."
"but i don't get a next version," i say. i don't really have the language for this, because i haven't had 26 tries with you. i only have my memories: you, a week ago. drunk and telling me you loved me in my ear. you, kissing her anyway. you, months ago, throwing up on my birthday, whispering to me i ruin everything i touch, always, over and over. please don't ask. i can't ever fucking have that be you.
i run my finger along the rim of the mug. "i don't want to die in this one."
you seem baffled by this. "i get that but - time will reset, you'll be fine, you won't even remember we talked about this."
"but i know now." i stand up too. "i have to live the rest of this day knowing i could die. knowing i probably am going to."
"you could always die, to be fair."
i feel my hands get out of control. "earlier, you said i always say a different insult about myself. what if you're just going through different parallel universes and those are all just different - but real - versions of myself? what if you're not in a time loop, you're in a fucking universe loop?"
"if it helps, i've wondered this too. also, you're hot in all of them. if that helps."
i point at you. "no flirting. i'm trying to figure out if i die today."
"who's flirting?" you catch my wild hands and give me that long, perfect smile. like we're in this together. "i won't let ya die." you check your watch and sigh again. "well. maybe not this time."
i grit my teeth. you are so not making quips at me while i try to explain the existential dread i'm having. "does the time loop reset if i fucking kill you?"
"honestly i don't know how long it continues after i die, because i just wake up. it could be that the loop goes until the explosion for everyone, and we're all in the loop, or it could be that when i die, the loop restarts. when i die i wake up, is all."
i pull away from you and stalk into the kitchen and start doing all 3 of my dishes. "okay, first, you know i was joking. and secondly, this is exactly my point. you don't know if this is just a parallel universe. maybe in the ones where you died, the explosion happened and nobody reset and it's just you travelling." i have to stop and push the heel of my palm into my eyeball. "... how often have you died?"
i look at you. you look at me. you give me this very sad, halfway smile and a little what can ya do shrug. something in that action seems so old and weary that i want to burst into tears.
"i have to go," you say. "really. for real. there's this family of five i save from getting into a car crash. and i know it's like oh but we're all gonna die in the explosion anyway, what's the point. and..." you shrug again. "it matters to me, is all. at least i saved them for now. at least i saved anything."
you pad over to me and wrap me in a tight hug. you always seem so tall against me. i feel your cheek rest against the top of my head for a moment. for a second, it's just us, and the space is warm, and my heart is a little broken hare.
you leave me there, and i stand in my stupid badly lit kitchen with my stupid mugs. i think about you. i start texting my mom that she needs to get out of the city, but it feels pointless.
i don't know what to do. tomorrow is the same day for you. but i have to prepare to die in my today.
#warm up#prose#i just realized that there's a horror film in there about being someone NOT in a loop.#if i wanted to make it longer i'd have them come back like SUPER battered and hellish.#on round like 999#like halfway through lunch like - YOU . I LOVE U . IM SORRY . I RUINED IT BC I LOVE U CANT U SEE THAT#but like. yeah man what happens when someone else in control of ur destiny#what happens to all the versions of u that DO die...#i also wanted a pre-redemption time looper - this person#(who in my brain is they/them)#is absolutelyyyyyy toying with the narrator bc the time looper is caught up in like#an emo angsty '' i can't have what i want bc i ruin things'' self harm spiral#and like literally the way out of that spiral is to TRY bud.#but this is a person pre-redemption. still kind of an ass. still not really listening to her#still a little bit ignoring that they kissed someone 3 days ago#still KNOWS she likes them and DOES like her back. but is just too chickenshit still.#we're talkin that person we've ALL dated that's like ''i can't be with u anymore bc i am Too Broken and I Can't Stand Hurting U"#... i imagine they grow up tho. eventually.
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can't believe we're all adults being forced into the club penguin level of censorship in 2024
#ramble#if you say unalive in front of me i will personally kill you with my hands#you just can't muffle and censor and hold someone's hand through some things#some things are horrible. and they should be spoken aloud and they should upset you. because they are horrible#the second we started kidzbopifying the world was the end of taking anything seriously i think#i'm not even joking i've spoken to people older than me who won't even say the world sex#this isn't the playground you're not going to get in trouble just let us say the word!!!!!!#how am i supposed to listen to you when you won't even say the thing you're supposed to be talking about#yes this is the fault of the platforms with their censorship rules but the fact that we all just go along with it like it's not dystopian#you do know it doesn't stop with cursing right. people are already having to censor queer terms because they get flagged as inappropriate
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this post is fearmongering. the results of this study are concerning and should definitely be a matter of public discussion, but this is certainly not the conclusion the researchers came to.
the point of the study was to assess the risks of exposure to toxic metals- something one of the co-authors notes are “ubiquitous” fwiw- via menstrual products. Their research confirmed that these metals are indeed present in tampons, but no further conclusions are drawn. it is possible the metal entered into the cotton from the soil, which is a well-known phenomenon; cotton is so good at lifting heavy metals that it has actually been suggested as a part of the solution for revitalizing polluted ground.
the authors conclude with an acknowledgement that the study should be repeated- their sample size was 60 tampons- and a suggestion that further testing ought to be done to indicate whether or not these metals can even leech out of the tampon in the first place, let alone whether or not such leeching could occur at levels deleterious to human health.
there is, in fact, a body of research- too small, for sure, but much larger than this single study- indicating that long-term proper tampon use has no observable negative impact on health. i am grateful and thrilled that more research is being done and i hope that this study is the first of many on this line of questioning, but i am really frustrated at this post and the response it got.
obviously, if this study alters your approach to menstrual health, more power to you. consumers should be informed-risk-takers, and menstrual health is double-obviously a very personal choice. but it definitely wasn't the researchers concluding that you ought to “avoid using tampons at all cost," only this tumblr user did. the lead author of the paper, in fact, specifically says that she hopes people do NOT panic about the results.
(the notes of the post were disappointing. people affirming that they knew they were right to be suspicious of tampons all along, or even recommending alternatives that actually have very little to no research regarding the safety of long-term use, etc. it’s a different conversation, but categorical distrust of tampons is old-school misogyny. you certainly shouldn't wear them if you don’t want to, but there is nothing inherently scary or wrong about them, and people who prefer them are not being reckless or crass.)
((if you're really worried about exposure to heavy metals, you may want to turn a critical eye to fast fashion, as an aside))
#couldn’t reply to the original#so. sorry for the screenshot lol. but i can't put my two cents there. and this topic bugs me (grew up in anti-tampon country)#(Utah)#i do not blindly believe that tampon brands are looking out for us or anything. i hope that comes across here.#anyway. it's something to keep an eye out for more research. i hope this team is able to continue their work
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(ID in ALT text)
"got your nose"
#atla#sokka#suki#sukka#honestly i am really fighting wtih myself here because no additonal drawing and its is just standing alone...#-internal screem because i can't do thiz-#anyway tryed something new#hope you like it#buon appetit#happy new years!
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