#i can feel the dread and anxiety
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#matthew please do more audiobook!!!#i need more edgar allan poe narrated by him#i can feel the dread and anxiety#or maybe he needs to direct edgar allan poe’s writings#mgg#matthew gray gubler#Spotify
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Happy birthday to me
#I can honestly say for the first time ever that today just feels like any other day#birthdays used to fill me with so much dread and anxiety#but now I just seem to not care at all#I just feel a normal amount of sad today
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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i need 2 clean my room but instead i just lay here everyday like this
#aa..g#it would b so easy i have nothing in it#only my bed and cat tree and elliptical#except for some garbage on the floor#the only problem is if i pick it up n put it (back) into a bag then i have to get rid of the bag before my cats can rip it apart again#but if i take it downstairs my mom will get mad at me for having had garbage in my room#so instead everyday i just look at it n get filled w dread#my room is almost always clean the rest of the time#which makes it feel like it's just an extension of how much worse my mental state n anxiety has gotten LMAO..#worried itll get bad again like my old room i had when i was 15#full of rot both me n everything in it#& i am so scared of that#even worse i have a migraine right now and i cant move#so i cant do anything about it#im just stuck here thinking of it n staring at it
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I've been very unwell today and my queue is pretty short at the moment, so I might go quiet for a bit. Honestly I might end up in hospital again. I've been struggling for awhile and it's gotten worse, and I'm about past my limit of managing.
Take care of yourselves. xo
#personal#mental health#mental illness#anxiety#panic attacks#lowest I've been on the MH pain scale all day is 7 or 8#gallstone levels of distress at the moment#tempted to call the crisis line but I'm not sure they'll have resources to do anything#it's not like my panic is irrational or catastrophising#it is very possibly the end of the world#pretty sure anxiety and wanting to die is an appropriate emotional response#I'm being stupid and histrionic I guess but I'm not ok#nothing happening is about me but i still can't bear it#i can't focus or think about anything except dread#I've tried meditation and 3 3s and tensing all my muscles and then letting go#I've tried distracting myself with games and tv#nothing is working#heart palpitations high bp tinnitus hyperventilating nausea tightness in chest crying all day on and off#i can't feel like this for the rest of my life#i can't feel like this for another two weeks or another two days#and i don't see why i should have to#might have to go completely offline on a permanent basis but then I'm without my social contacts or my job so#take care of yourselves and each other#maybe i can get sedated or something
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God the loneliness has been hitting real bad since yesterday
#vent#not many irl friends to hang out with#i signed up for an event tomorrow and monday but#so many online friends but none that are either available or that I'm cozy with to talk#my best irl friend has been so busy for months that we barely exchange a few texts a day#and the larger friend group i had has been gone for months#it fucking sucks man i feel miserable#sure i get out and go outside and like volunteer and stuff but that's not friendship yknow#i spend maybe like 2-4 hours a WEEK talking to someone who isn't family#it's not enough i miss having friends and i miss being able to see people in person#all the ppl i relied on either left or are too fucking busy to talk#on certain days of the week i can reliably spend the whole day not once talking to a real life person. like today#it's slowly getting to the point that i'm getting existential dread and anxiety just from existing#because the only thing i can reliably look forward to every day is being fucking alone
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bruh
#system of a down#daron malakian#shavo odadjian#john dolmayan#serj tankian#I fucking love this#I didn’t post this on Reddit though#he’s giving ozzy vibes#I feel like he did his time in the spotlight and can now enjoy just being normal?#like out of the spotlight?#not to get too deep about a joke but#like we were never really told how bad his social anxiety is#as far as I’m aware#but I bet it’s a relief to just be at home#this is coming from someone who cried in a store at 14? because I lost sight of my mom and got overwhelmed#that’s just general mental illness though#anyway#I tested positive for not going to bed on time#again#dreading the email I know that’s awaiting me tomorrow lmao
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omg ppl really don't lie when they say your life can drastically change for the better in a short amount of time, don't let depression tell you otherswise
#like i've had 2 friends from school reach out to me about hanging out and that along with therapy has pretty much made my fear of everybody#secretly hating me VANISH#i have never felt as good about myself as i do now#and to think that about a year ago i was so depressed i could barely change my clothes everyday#and like. absolurely DRENCHED in anxiety about the future#and now i have a job prospect that acrually mwkes me feel excited about work/school and i've managed to do so many new things#so my fear of never learning to be independent is also slowly disappearing#bro at the beginning of this year i was so convinced i'd be a burden to my parents until they die and felt so so guilty about thst idea#and now boom#instead of dread i actually feel excited about the future??#amazing#moots i'm sending some of my joy to you so you can feel as amazing as i do because WOW#i feel like a whole new person life is great#stella's horoscope
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I was so fucking worried. That my art would have no further depth to explore, that I'd be a laughingstock, that I'd be wasting money. That I wasn't actually meant for this. And now, after lying to myself for years, I realize that that's just how it feels to be a developing artist. And I wanted to make art the whole time. That's what I wanted. That's what I want.
#if making art is like breathing I've been slowly suffocating. hands around my own throat. and for what?#my fucking anxiety? ego?#this is the wall I've been running into the whole time. Every time I stop myself from making an original piece every time I focus on#repeated technical practice just to hold off the dread every time I feel an invisible wall of creativity doing character design#it doesn't matter. my life sucks shit now#I have nothing to lose#now all I can do is learn to exist as a creative again#like you all have no idea it literally felt like I wasn't allowed to do anything other than fucking fandom shit and comic stuff#and guess what?? when you live like that the fandom art sucks too!!!#and I was an asshole too. I projected that shit. I was soo proud of the fact that I made art my silly little hobby when everyone else wanted#to make it their life#fucking christ#txt
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its so weird seeing posts about how crying is a good stress reliever as someone who genuinely struggles to cry. like. i just cant. just simple as that. i dont cry often and when i do its more akin to sobbing than actual crying. just kind of a weird feeling i suppose
#idk. i was raised to belive crying is fine so its just. strange. that i dont.#i just struggle feeling sad honestly#i just. get numb.#i feel dread and anxiety and joy and love and hate and depression. but i dont ever feel sad. just numb.#the best way i can describe it is that i lack empathy and sympathy towards myself#not in a way that i think i deserve to cry. just in a way that it doesnt feel necessary to cry. so i just dont cry#okay swagever. moment of weakness over#speaking.mp4
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last summer I got overtaken by a very strange fic idea and I decided I might as well write it because it wouldnt take that long and it was weird enough that I cackled to myself the whole time I wrote it
well, I just went back and reread it and I'm so glad I ran with that bonkers idea because that was 2K words that had me smiling the whole time. I even laughed at one of my own jokes! out loud!
anyway, I know I say this all the time but write the stupid oneshot that popped into your brain. go back and read your old stories. enterain your future self with the things you love right now. future you will really appreciate it
#I actually read 2 of my own fics today#after remembering they existed#and they both really did cheer me up#from my overwhelming anxiety and feelings of dread#I know this won't work for everyone#but it worked for me#at least today#and sometimes that's all I can ask for
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what is march's beef with my mental health, goddamn
#can a girl get a break from anxiety and general feeling of dread and worthlessness geez#WHERE IS THE SUN I NEED YOU#STOP BEING GRAY AND DEPRESSING OUT
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having the Stomach Ache At Night anxiety (the worst kind in the world)
#it is just the worst thing that can happen to me#stomach ache at night is the only thing thats ever genuinely made me think im going to die#and i KNOW its likely nothing. but ohgggg the fear. the fear the dread#and yknow when you get the fear and dread and you can feel it in ur stomach. just makes it ten times worse#then i get a lil light headed and im thinking is this just anxiety making me weird or am i actually bleeding out internally for no reason#which then leads to if i died from this would i be okay with it. and the answer is always NO!!!!!!#usually once it gets to that point i go wake up my mama. she understands#anyway tummyache is subsiding. was literally nothing 👍#teeths#ask to tag
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#sometimes I wish drawing wasn't such a lonely activity#am in a bit of a social mood but can't find anything to socialize about#i also wish I didn't need to spend ALL DAY trying to prep my brain to try to draw; despite it being something I wanna do and enjoy#why must i have executive dysfunction over my hobbies#this is why it takes me one million years to something I can actually get done in a few days at most#i'm so incredibly frustrated and it's super depressing and bumming me out#it's just so frustrating and i'm so irritated at myself#i know it's shark week so maybe it's why i'm a bit of a mess; but usually it doesn't affect me during the time so idk#also i love how every night I get to deal with the crippling dread and lowkey anxiety attacks bc everything i'm avoiding/afraid of and it-#- keeps festering in my mind and makes me avoid sleep for as long as possible and i'm stuck in an eternal negative feedback loop#i can't even do the thing i enjoy bc my brain is making it hard for me#not to mention that I constantly get those thoughts about how i'm never getting anywhere in life and i am in fact; ALONE#no irl friends or family and it still scares me to think about how worse things will get in the future for me.#not to mention not having a career or being capable of doing any kind of secondary schooling makes the dread even worse#but again frustrated and i can't even apply positive activities like how I'd usually do; not to mention i'm just always mad at myself about#-everything lmao#stupid brain just let me enjoy me hobby bc i wanna do it and you're not letting me and it's making me feel worse#delete later probably idk lmao
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Doing a little bit better than I was earlier but jfc waking up to a meltdown has knocked my battery out for the whole day. Thankfully The Terror seems fairly calm today and I'm working with someone who's spent more time around him
#very much hoping the anxiety and dread earlier was an overreaction#i just. i NEED to be okay.#almost said so earlier to Alfie and had to stop myself bc like#it doesnt matter if i feel good about this or not? i still need to do it#i NEED to be functional enough to grt through it#leaving this job is not remotly possible rn unless i magically found something both significantly less stressful#and better paid#so i just gotta. endure. however i can bc i know Alfie is doing the exact same thing and they shouldnt have to fucking#hold me while i doubt my entire life
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There’s nothing quite like getting a wedding invitation from the guy you used to have a crush on in high school
#Hmm. Feels awful!!#Me to me: Maybe. I'm not quite over this.#IDK IT FEELS WEIRD MAN. I'm very happy for him. But also kinda bummed at the same time.#I think I'm more just dreading showing up and being like aha yeah! Here I am!#I haven't changed at all since we last spoke! Not at all!!#Nothing new or exciting going on with me ever. No accomplishments. No partner I can brag about. NOTHIN#Hey anybody wanna show up as my fake date. Fake dating to lovers AU /j#Idk it just feels wrong to keep hearing from my friends in high school who are all getting married and having kids#Meanwhile me. Who has never dated anybody ever. And has nothing to show from the past five years:#SORRY I'M JUST HAVING A MID-LIFE CRISIS I GUESS. AT THE RIPE OLD AGE OF 26.#Me: I've been dealing with my anxiety and depression on the daily for years now and yeah that's it how are you#My friends: I got my dream job and I'm marrying the love of my life and I'm going to buy a house soon!!#I WANT TO CRAWL INTO A HOLE. AND DIE. YEAH. THAT SOUNDS GOOD#Sorry I need to sit here and feel pathetic and hate myself for a second. Then I'll get overe it#*over#Shima speaks#Maybe I can lie and say I've been backpacking through Europe for the last five months. LMAO
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