#i can barely sleep but im exhausted
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im so sleepy... :(
#my pms symptoms have been killing me for 2 weeks now#idk wtf is goin on with my body#i can barely sleep but im exhausted#random pain all over#DUMB
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Having to micromanage your entire physical battery day in and day out is so exhausting, especially when your ability fluctuates without rhyme or reason with every single day. I'm starting to have to reframe how I view and tackle my task lists because otherwise the grief and frustration becomes so much that I get nothing done. I'd love to complete the entire list today, but I'm gonna have to limit myself to ticking off two tasks just so I don't burn myself out to the point of being unable to do anything later...
#and even then thats no guarantee since i could feel super sick later without warning#OR maybe i feel superdupergood and can do them all no problem and THEN some#but then i also have to prepare for being bedridden after if i dont keep track of how much energy i burn#the event horizon of which ALSO changes daily lmfao#meanwhile people assume youre lucky or even privileged for this#as if being homebound for your safetys sake and spending most of the time being unable to really do anything#is anything worth envying. people assume youre resting when frankly youre just keeping your face above the water#i dont have a choice either. i gave up all my dreams and ambitions just for the sake of trying to survive for once#i WANT to have a life i WANT to have the power to be independent and not be at the mercy of others until the day i die#god sorry URGH its so hard to not feel sad and hopeless and almost bitter about this sometimes#its so hard not to feel alienated and embarrassed by the fact that you practically live in a different reality to people#people whose lives revolve around careers and working to the point where they cant comprehend you as a disabled individual#and what that means beyond the assumption that being chronically ill and overall impaired is a choice and moral failire#whether or not people are aware of that baseline assumption concretely#and i feel stupid and annoying for whining about this when i have so much to be grateful for#just. guhhhhhhhhh idfk. i SHOULD get started here but i can barely move out of bed#exhaustion is killing me i miss going on daily walks my house feels like a prison#i need to stop moping im already spiralling lmfao#trying not to close my eyes lest i pass out yet again despite having gotten more than 12 hours of sleep#cause apparently to my stupid body thats not enough to even stand up#silvi talks
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#jhhh I'm so fucking scared#im so exhausted and tired and i do not think i will pull this off#trying to move tomorrow and i. i have some help but#ii don't know if it's enough#I don't know if I've thought of everything in fact i know i haven't#and I'm so scared something I've missed is going to fuck me over#im trying so fucking hard I swear#i swear i swear i swear#ii just want this to work i just want something i do to finally work i#......i want help and i swear I'm trying so hard to ask for it but I'm so bad and it's so hard to find regardless#what if it's not enough what if I'm not enough what if i can't park what if i can't move everything what if#what if i didn't make a request to the damn place what if they don't let me do stuff tomorrow it was so hard getting this much help at all#ii don't think i can do it again *certainly* not in time#fuck fuck fuck fuck I'm so goddamn panicked I need to sleep but i CAN'T#gghhhh#....everything hurts so damn bad#iim barely gonna be able to help tomorrow i....#i hate this i hate being so useless#worthless just taking up space i#ffuck#im so tired
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I'm being so serious rn if I ever talk about doing another fringe festival run in the next like 3 years at least send me to fucking therapy. It is a cry for help. This is bad for me.
#im over halfway at least. but fucking christ.#ive barely seen anyone i care about for weeks. im hardly sleeping. im in knee braces and im still in pain.#13 hours a day of people yelling at me. the busiest ive ever seen public transport. eating the most random sporadic shit.#no hobbies. very few friends or family. crying twice a day. i still havent been paid. binding!! binding 7am til midnight!!!! daily!!!!!#my whole body hurts im physically mentally emotionally exhausted im desperately lonely im not doing the things that make me feel fulfilled#when my loved ones are free im either working or passed out in pain and exhaustion#the boss is enabling all sorts of bullshit yet again#im not able to be a person anyone i care about deserves to know#and that makes me not want to know me either#that is at least when i have enough fractions of a spoon left to feel anything at all except upset or numb#i NEED this all to be over#my next free day is my sisters 21st birthday next month my fucking baby sister is turning 21 and i dont know what to get her#i dont have a brain im not being!! a person worth knowing!!!!#my gran fucking fell the other day she's hurt ive not visited her in ages bc of work and finance i want to see my wee gran i want#to buy her ice cream and tell her i love her#i had to clean up an old guy who smashed his face on the pavement today and im just putting That trauma off til at least mid September#my BEST FRIEND gets MARRIED next week#and i can barely think about it because im on empty#im on below empty#they deserve so much better from me#im out. im not doing this again. not like this.
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I'm like gradually becoming more physically disabled and am now at the point I can't work. I just can't. I'm too fatigued and dizzy and in pain and physically weak to keep going. I've been through a gamut of specialist visits, all providing no answers.
My primary care doctor has officially given up on me, basically told me to just start popping painkillers and suck it up. That this is my own fault for stopping antidepressants, when said antidepressants left me malnourished due to low appetite, and once I stopped, my physical health and motivation had a marked window of improvement. At least until whatever this is started.
I can't work like this. I can't easily apply for disability bc my pcp has turned on me and won't give me a diagnosis. He has refused further testing. I'm so tired of fighting. I'm so so tired.
#i might loose the insurance i have#im moving and no longer employed#its even harder to apply for disability outside of ny and i no longer will be here#im just so exhausted on all levels i dont know what to do#i was trying to take a nap bc i got a wave of brain fog#but when i close my eyes i just think about how fucked i am and cant sleep#but im not even allowed to be depressed about this#bc I'll loose even more credibility in the eyes of any doctor#lineko.txt#my dad is loosing patience w me#im a waste of resources and can barely help around the house anymore#sometimes ill try to do the dishes but then i almost faint from standing#but according to evey doctor im in perfect health#sorry ive been such a fucking drag to see on the dash but my life is kind of in the shitter and this is my public diary
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:(
#ive been a lot more exhausted recently#my mental health is getting worse#i can barely keep my eyes open#let alone get out of the bed#i haven't been eating#but im trying to#im pretty sure im depressed. but i have no one to talk about it#just me and my thoughts#there's something wrong with me#theres so many thing i want to say#but i dont know how to say it#drawing isnt as fun or comforting as it was#augh ignore this im just going through a depressive episode#I'll be okay#i have a lot of people cheering me on to keep living#to stay alive#to stay safe#and im not going to let them down#I'll be fine#I'll force myself to eat. sleep. etc#i need to be okay#im going to be okay.#i just need a break#personal
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a very stressful week of noodle acting extremely lethargic, having no appetite, and having really itchy paws has resulted in two trips to the vet and some meds but no obvious answer as to what's wrong. but he seems to be doing a bit better now so that's. good
#im so exhausted. im hoping his insurance will pay for most of it#I've barely slept and I also got 3 vaccines today cuz i kept putting it off but i should've waited maybe#cuz im running on two hours or sleep and i only just now ate something#lying on the floor face down with noodle. who is also flat on the floor. exhausted#for no discernible reason..but it's fine. he's stable abd his blood work was fine#maybe he's just sore from daycare idk. can you give me a sign little dude. the anxiety was killing me#i would've thrown up this morning but i hadn't eaten anything for a day so i was just heaving. anyway#*face slams into the floor*#ari speaks
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Despite all odds, I have arrived home safely👍
Turns out that the earlier goop was the better goop. The adderall goop. The adderall has worn off now though. So I am. Very incredibly out of it.
But I am home. And I will take my quick shower. And then I will climb into bed.
I do need to eat. But... later...
#speculation nation#im the special kind of tired where im more tired than hungry#which is to say my every cell is yelling at me to get some fucking sleep.#and i dont think id be much more successful at eating rn than i was this morning.#i ate. half a can of chef boyardee. which was half bc i was so focused on typing and half bc i could barely stomach it.#so i at least ate Something. but not as much as normal.#i did have an ensure in the middle of the day. so theres some nutrients too at least.#i'll eat after i get a few hours of sleep. when the edge is no longer so desperate.#and hopefully i'll be able to stomach things better then.#honestly have all nighters always been this hard or am i just getting older? i havent actually pulled an all nighter since uhhh#well there was kind of one on dead dad day. but that day sucked just in general.#last time i think was april '23 when i read t.rimax volume 9-14 within a 24 hour period while also finishing a final presentation.#even then tho i got like 2 hours of sleep. it was still pretty rough though.#like ok i guess those times were pretty awful and also i did get at least some sleep. which is more than today.#so it makes sense for me to be in worse shape rn. i also didnt get as much sleep the night before last as i wanted to#i got... ...maybe 4 hours sleep??? ummm. which isnt a good thing actuslly. no wonder im so fucking exhausted.#i can barely type right now i will be honest. it was so hard to bike home. it took all my focus to not drive off a bridge#or get pushed into traffic by wind. oh boy the wind sure did try.#then i almost tripped down the stairs at my apartment after grabbing the mail bc i Briefly was focused on my mail 🙄#barely present. total mess. but at least im home. and i already did all the thinking i need to do today.#i was brave. i perservered. i was tempted to give up around 6 am ish but i was like No. this is getting done TODAY.#so i did it. i turned it in. and i so bravely did my in class work for my 2nd class. even though i was so mentally not present the whole way#i did my thinking... i am home... rest soon.#actually its kind of funny im lying on my couch rn and i think if most other ppl were in my current state theyd fall asleep right here.#but the power of my insomnia is so. powerful. i am not at risk of falling asleep without meaning to.#only time thats ever actually happened are like. a handful of times i was like. the most tired ive ever been in my life. etc etc.#in fact idk how well i'll be able to fall asleep for my nap. i certainly couldnt last night despite how hard i tried.#hopefully this time... i am truly tired enough....pls i need to rest i am so tired 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
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Temps over 30 degrees are stupid. I hate it here.
#personal tag#the apartment isnt horrid at dealing with heat but it aint the best#on account of. the amount of windows#ive also once again confirmed that 27 is like. too high for me. 26 inside temp i can kinda deal with. but just barely#i think thats the highest it got inside today so overall i think we did good with keeping temps as low ad we could#but man. its too fucken warm#i cant fucking sleep like this. im exhausted and yet.
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#hhhhh i just wanna lay in bed watching movies all day. i need some sort of wizard to turn me into a salamander so i dont have to do my job#it takes me all day to relax and for what? its Sunday and i have to grade at e#least 45 lab reports and make a presentation about photosynthesis so i can teach tomorrow so that i can barely tread water#im so behind on grading. and thats not to mention all the other bullshit i should b doing. ugh. i just wanna not do anything#i got covid vaccinated yesterday so im kinda exhausted on top of preexisting exhaustion. anf i would like my problems to stop existing#also i forgot how annoying it is to live in a place with mice. like stop scurrying around in my walls! stop trying to make mouse holes#dont make me murder u bc i will. ill buy mouse traps and thdn youll b sorry#but id rather not do that bc itll b annoying to check the traps and dispose of the bodies. bleh#i just wanna watch surreal movies abt self destruction and cosmic horror#so annihilation and maybe sunshine bc i havent watched it and oh god whats that polish movie uuuuuh#i can't remember. it starts with s i think but all i can think is susperia which is not correct. solaris? i cant remember if i watched#it or just read thr book. idk i like surreal slightly pretentious movies. under the skin is another i lov#god. i dont wanna get up. i still only got 7hrs sleep. i just wanna lay here and decompose#fuck. i have so much to write for Wednesday. and i think i have to share a paper Friday. fuck.#unrelated
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i have had so little energy lately
#im very exhausted and i am in a lot of pain#its just been work and pain management work pain management- im barely sleeping...#i legit can not focus enough on anything to even do things i enjoy#even if its just sitting down and watching dumb youtube videos...#not even the energy to talk im too exhausted before someone can even say hello njfjka
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#hhhh#another stupid. vent post#been a while but mostly I've just been too tired to write it down#is there like. A fun quirky way to say i wanna kill myself still#....no probably not#anyway. i do.#im... im still in that day program thing#partial hospitalization. It's a good program. Lots of classes and very judgement free#sadly i cannot help but feel I'm. doomed to failure#because i need so much higher a level of care than this#i. frankly i should be put in a nursing home#that's probably the level I'm at#it all hurts. so much. everything does. my body my mind trying to think trying to talk trying to type#everything hurts either physically or mentally#I'm tired and exhausted all the time#I can barely move some days#I'm a massive financial burden on the people who love me#and i can't really do anything but play videogames to distract myself and then vent endlessly to people who reach out#....if you see this and reach out#i apologize if i don't end up replying#I'm overwhelmed lately#i just can't keep up#and can't help being lonely as fuck despite that#....but i do read it all#every message i get i read. and i cherish. And i forget because of my adhd but when i read it#i feel good for a minute#......so.....#..if you've reached out before...thank you#...if you plan to now.... I'm about to sleep so i may not reply but#....thank you
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Well, one year to go
#well at least im trying for that#ive scheduled round two for alaska and hopefully i see the lights this time#and my second favorite band announced yesterday they're coming here with guess who? another of my favorite bands#(blackbriar and battle beast may 2024)#i literally said the other day id be happy if i got to see them and now they're coming! can you believe it#but im tired...my health has plummeted and i am not doing well#im not going to last#ive just got to hold out for these last bucket list items#so im trying for the auora again in september around the equinox#ugh it's so bad im hooked up to shit all day now and constantly have to monitor tachycardia for instance#im exhausted. i can barely breathe. it hurts so much. i never stop shaking and spasming now#but hey ive started playing dnd...finally found a group. so that's crossed off my list too and it's been very fun so far#i need to get the motivation to read all the books i want to read#it aint in my control though...i just have to hope i can hold out until september#ive been trying lots of new foods but there's still so much more i want to try#but yeah im tired...every day i wake up from pain and feel like im going to die...if i sleep at all#even clare has given up it's progressed too much#but im trying. im trying#and ive been gathering all our family photos and things so theyll have memories#me and my dad take a selfie every time he visits too#idk. there's not a whole lot i can say without making people sad but it's been so much lately#i struggle to scrape through the pain every day. it's been 14 years. i just want to be free#it's not like i want to die...i just want to be free of the pain and rest finally#wish me luck#p
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my sleep schedule is so utterly fucked hurray
#ive barely slept the past like. idk three days? and its at the point where naps arent really happening or helping either#im at a constant state of exhaustion. and i know its the combination of depression anxiety and grief more than anything else#but it still sucks. tho im giving myself a chance to just go and collapse in bed whenever i feel like it and not really look at the clock#one good thing about not having a schedule. i can rest my body when it needs it#im just a mess. and probably will be for a while now all things considered#trying to get better at my own pace but its exhausting#anyways. i need to go to the store. pick up some things and a package yay#maybe i can sleep a little after that. not that im tired really but i feel gross#night is an absolute mess on main
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so like does it feel awful forever or does it get better
#i wake up im exhausted i can barely stand to see my friends i am overwhelmed by everyday tasks i go to bed i cant sleep rinse & repeat#sorry to depressingpost on main but i guess you guys should get used to it#lanieposting
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hi guys, how are you
#this week i get to find out what new pills they're going to give me to fight my mental illness <3#im telling you bipolar is no joke#sometimes you feel like the happiest boy in the world!!!! and you have so much energy and you feel on top of the world#you feel amazing even though you're sleeping 5 hours every night and nothing can hurt you!!!#then after a few weeks you crash down and the depression hits. and it hits hard#this fall has been really bad for me#hopefully ill start feeling better soon#im just so fucking tired!!!!#im so exhausted that i can barely take care of myself#anyway yeah sorry#how are you!!!! /genuine question#negative#💬 chatter
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