#i am very shy so being the center of attention has always been stressful for me..but intimate birthdays are so sweet

[heavenlydreamangelflyhigh]

i am turning two years old twice very soon

[cerebrumrott]

Obey Me! Shall we Date?

Brothers x MC

Synopsis: Demon Form Head Canons

Lucifer

Is not shy about sharing his demon form in the slightest.

More than happy to show off his wings for you and every compliment and awed look you give him just strokes his pride.

He gets taller in his demon form, not by more than a few inches but its enough to have you craning your neck to look him in the eyes.

His horns are not nearly as sensitive as some of his brothers but he still quite enjoys when you pet them.

Specifically likes it when the base of his horns are scratched, he could just melt into your hands.

His wings are prone to molting when he is stressed and seeing as he is stressed almost all the time. It's fairly common to find black feathers around the house.

When Lucifer later finds out that you had been collecting his discarded feathers in a small vase in your room he can’t help the blush on his cheeks having forgotten the entire reason he went into your room in the first place.

Seeing as you are so entranced by his feathers you might as well help him preen when he is molting.

It is totally cause he wants you to just have a nice collection, not because its a massive boost to his ego to have you doting over him.

Straighten his tie and flatten out his collar. Even if it doesn't need it. These little gestures will leave him flustered and blushing.

Mammon

His horns, due to their peculiar shape, are extremely sensitive. To the point where just blowing on them sends a tremble racing down his spine.

Pressing a finger between the grooves or into the center of the horn's spiral will have him practically howling from the sensation or more accurately leave him a stuttering and flustered mess.

Despite being essentially shirtless in his demon form. Mammon is like a walking heater. Just standing next to him for too long can cause you to break into a sweat.

If you were to ever trace the white lines that cover his torso he would just stop functioning entirely.

He would of course vehemently deny any such claims stating that, he was simply… thinking… about things… shut up.

Mammon is also extremely ticklish and with so much exposed skin from his questionable choice in a shirt. Do with that what you will ;)

His wings are restless, always flickering, fluttering or some variation of the two.

The only time they had ever truly stilled was when Mammon had agreed to let you touch them for the first time. In that moment as you ever so carefully ran your hands over the thin membrane of the wings, they didn't so much as twitch under the touch.

While his wings aren't necessarily sensitive to touch they are slightly delicate, being as they are made from a thin leathery membrane.

Leviathan

He also gets taller in his demon form by a few inches. Though due to his terrible posture you are likely to not notice.

He regularly sheds his antlers each year and grows back new ones.

He used to be extremely self conscious while his antlers regrew due to teasing from his brothers but after hearing how much you liked them they were now a point of pride for him.

I can also totally see an MC who collects his shed antlers like, it's 2 am and Levi texts them like ""Hey normie you want my old antlers I know you asked about them before so...""

Leviathan would get such an ego boost from it though. His face growing reed each time he walks into your room to see his old antlers nestled about the shelves like decor.

His tail also sheds its skin every so often (like a reptile would) another reason as to why he is always showering or taking a bath.

On that same thought, Levi has to take daily soaks in either the shower or tub to keep his skin from drying out or getting irritated. Being in the sun for too long can also irritate his skin.

Uses this as an excuse to not go outside despite there being no sun in the Devildom.

Both his horns and his tail are rather sensitive to touch. Though he loves the idea of you petting them his self consciousness prevents him from ever initiating such a thing.

The markings on the side of his neck are also highly sensitive. Running a hand or dragging your nails over them sends shivers down his spine every time.

Satan

Not only does he get taller but he also physically bulks up in his demon form. Its hardly noticeable under the sweater and boa he wears but on close inspection you can see the defined lines of his muscles straining under the fabric.

Similar to Lucifer, his horns are not all that sensitive. Though the area where they connect to his head are very mush so.

Satan is not shy in the slightest about asking MC to pet his head when he is in a bad mood and needs someone to stop him from doing something potentially stupid.

Satan often subconsciously purrs when he is happy or content.

This habit may have stemmed from his obsession with cats

His tail for the most part is hard and senseless, though the green end is softer and more pliable like cartilage. It is also extremely sensitive to both touch and temperature.

This is why he keeps his tail wrapped around his leg to protect it from being accidentally trampled on or whacked.

Since his tail extends from his lower back rather than the base of his spine the exposed skin surrounding the base of his tail is extremely sensitive and ticklish.

Asmodeus

Asmo of course loves any kind of affection, especially if it is coming from you of all people.

The tips of his horns that are pink in hue are extremely sensitive to touch. He is not shy about asking you to touch him obviously but you would note that he does get extremely flustered when you do so without having to be asked.

Asmo will just melt into your touch if you walk up to him and just randomly cup his face or pet his horns.

When he is especially flustered the pink hue of his horns will even darken

His wings are velvety and soft to the touch. He loves to have kisses pressed to the soft membrane of the wings.

The easiest way to turn him to putty in your hands is to go straight for his wings. They are his weak spot.

It's really little affectionate things that get him going. Adjusting the metal chain of his scorpion brooch, pushing a stray piece of his bangs back into place, even something as simple as picking a piece of lint off of his jacket has him beaming with affection.

I don't see Asmo as getting to experience these little things as often as the more prominent things that come with his sin. So when you go out of your way to make sure he does get to experience these little things he falls hard and fast.

Beelzebub

He physically bulks up when he transforms. If you thought he was shredded normally wait till you see him in demon form.

His horns are extremely sensitive, almost like little antennas. Turns into the biggest puppy when you rubs his horns. Just all smiles and happiness from him.

Sometimes he will even rub your cheeks together so his horns brush against your hair.

He is a bit hesitant when it comes to his wings being touched just because of their nature. It's not that he doesn't trust you it’s just when he gets excited he unconsciously buzzes his wings.

If he were to catch his wing on your hand and rip it he would feel bad for making you think you hurt him. In reality it does not hurt him all that much, akin to like a paper cut or bad scratch.

Beel is really just a big push over for you, scratch him behind the horns and he will just become the biggest lap dog.

Belphegor

His horns and tail are not sensitive but that doesn't mean he doesn't want you to pet him.

After he falls asleep to you petting his horns one afternoon he now demands that you do this at least once a week. If you don't he will bother you until you cave to his wishes.

Also loves to have the fluff of his tail brushed / petted, although he would never admit it outright. His brothers already think he is spoiled so how would they react to knowing he has you pampering him each week? Braiding his tail hair and brushing out the tangles while he snoozes.

On the rare occasions he can’t sleep or when he is awakened from a nightmare he will seek you out and ask you to pet him so he can get to sleep. There are many mornings you will wake up and just find Belphie in bed next to you curled around his pillow with his face buried in your shoulder.

He promises to pay you back later though. Totally...

The cow spots on his neck are extremely ticklish, to the point he borderline passes out from wheezing so hard when Beel tickles him there.

Bonus:

Diavolo

He is much, much larger in his demon form than he is when he appears as human. He is normally tall but like this he is borderline massive.

He tends to keep his wings folded into his sides due to their large span. Though is more than happy to show them off to you when prompted.

They are thick and velvety to the touch, the metallic jewelry that covers the tops of them a cold contrast to the warm skin.

He adores any kind of attention from you, more than content to sit and chatter about whatever comes to his mind as you sit beside him or stop him petting his wings.

He bent down once so you could see his horns and as a joke lifted you off the ground while you were holding onto them. He laughed so hard you thought he was going to drop you on your ass.

His horns are not sensitive in the slightest, hence why he has no problems with decorating them with tight metal pieces akin to a piercing on a person.

Diavolo is a super loving guy normally and this holds true to when he is in his demon form. So whenever he gives you a hug you end up smothered in his pecs. Not that your complaining.

Barbatos

Barbatos would never say it aloud but he very much enjoys when you spend time just running your fingers ever so softly over his horns. Their unique shape and varied textures can leave you entertained for what feels like hours but in reality you love the soft expressions you can pull out of the normally stoic butler.

Loves having soft kisses pressed to the joints of his horns.

His tail is his one weak spot as once one learns what certain movements mean. You can always tell how he is feeling.

The unbridled joy you feel well in your heart when his tail begins to curl up upon seeing you letting you know he is feeling the same way has you biting your lip to hold yourself back from running into his arms.

[chubbytummy]

(first official post!!! pls enjoy and support!!! sorry in advance for any typos! T^T)

♡´･ᴗ･`♡ ♡´･ᴗ･`♡ ♡´･ᴗ･`♡

♡✰ 𝕤𝕙𝕒𝕞𝕖𝕝𝕖𝕤𝕤 ✰♡

♡´･ᴗ･`♡ ♡´･ᴗ･`♡ ♡´･ᴗ･`♡

synopsis:

(bts taehyung-seokjin centric)

taehyung has never had the best eating habits, indulging in junk food to his heart's content. what happens when it finally catches up with him, and his roommate/crush happens to notice?

tw: weight gain, mild feederism, eructo, mentions of past abusive relationships, mentions of insecurity, language, slight nsfw (barely)

♡´･ᴗ･`♡ ♡´･ᴗ･`♡ ♡´･ᴗ･`♡

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it was no secret to anyone around him that taehyung, as sweet as he was, gave absolutely no fucks about his eating habits. that was one thing he would tell you straight off the bat, and he was completely shameless about them too. if it was yummy, it was yummy. and if it was yummy, he was going to eat it. life was short, and wasn't the point of life to enjoy yourself and be happy?

that's what taehyung believed, anyway.

taehyung wasn't shy by nature; a social butterfly, if you will. he loved making new friends, chatting, and bringing people out of their shell. he was naturally charismatic and funny, and with the added-luxury of movie star looks, a deep and sultry voice, and a great physique, he always had a group of buddies around him. that's just how he was. he loved making people smile and laugh, enjoying the warmth and love that radiated off of those close to him. so, as it seemed, taehyung's life was a blissful stream of joy. he didn't have a care in the world, especially about his food.

that was until he graduated highschool and went off to college. you see, taehyung was quite athletic in highschool. participating in track and field and being in dance with his best friend, jimin, gave him plenty of, if not excessive exercise to burn off all those calories he consumed throughout the day. perhaps he was able to get away with his atrocious eating habits back then. however, there was a teeny problem. now, taehyung wasn't pursuing athletics or dance in college-- he was majoring in fine arts. that meant he wasn't getting the amount of exercise his body was used to. turns out, he didn't have as fast of a metabolism like he'd falsely believed, he just did a lot of cardio. so, factoring together the absence of any exercise (minus walks to classes and to the fridge), no changes in his diet, and the constant late-night junk food binges, things quickly started to add up.

literally.

it started with his cheeks. taehyung had been thin, bordering underweight, most of his life, so of course the little bit of newfound plumpness to his face would be noticable. yet, despite his soulmate's comments over 2 am facetimes saying "jesus, taetae, you look so young! drop the skin care routine, bestie," taehyung didn't see the changes. his cheeks poofed out and softened like freshly baked bread, and they always seemed to be puffy, like he'd just woken up. well, he had been taking a lot of naps lately, maybe that's why? he didn't really care, anyways.

the next noticable change was his hips, thighs, and ass. not only was taehyung blessed with a face sculpted by the gods, he also had a body to die for. if there's any higher power, they CLEARLY pick favourites. with a slim, trim waist and a naturally curvy figure, the weight gain only accentuated his hourglass shape. his hips widened generously, thighs thickened like heavy cream, and ass plumped out lusciously, filling up any seat he sat on to the brim and earning him more whistles and lustful stares then he was already receiving. yet, despite the constant catcalling from other students on campus, and the snugness of his pants, taehyung remained oblivious to his altered form.

the final shift in taehyung's appearance settled itself softly on his midsection. although he'd never had chiseled, drool-worthy abs like his new friend jungkook, who practically lived at the campus fitness center, his stomach had always been completely flat. now, it had softened entirely; he had a bit of a tummy. it wasn't very noticeable, at first, due to his knack for wearing baggy clothes, but it began to show over time. it was chubby and pudgy, and spilled over the waistband of his pants when he sat down. his belly was fluffy like the stuffing of a teddy bear, the surface doughy, as if you could sink your hand into it and leave behind a handprint. it was even more noticeable after he'd eaten. taehyung always bloated terribly. whether he'd had a bellyache, gas, or had just eaten something rather filling, his tummy always swelled up and pushed over his pantline and into his shirt. as well, love handles began to form, curling around his middle and warmly hugging his sides.

he was by no means overweight, but he wasn't exactly skinny anymore. he was softer, warmer around the edges. it suited him.

strangely enough, taehyung hadn't really noticed. besides a passing comment from a loved one, or a short-lived "hmm, that's new," in front of the bathroom mirror before dashing off to an already-late-to lecture, taehyung was pretty ignorant.

but how long can you ignore such a growing issue?

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leaning back and gazing up at the tile ceiling, taehyung sighed. he was currently in his friend jungkook's tiny dorm, sitting on his bed and waiting for his roommate, hoseok, to return with pizza. he really hoped he'd hurry up already. his belly was growling like it was angry with him. it was getting kinda scary.

"i really don't know, jungkook-ah, he's just... ugh." he mopplingly prompted his chubby cheeks in his hands and huffed.

"what do you mean you don't know, hyung?" jungkook asked crossing his beefy arms and shooting his friend a skeptical look. "you're like... the hottest and most outgoing guy i know. how haven't you scored a date with him yet?"

the "him" in question was taehyung's new roommate, seokjin. well, he wasn't exactly new. he'd been his roommate for over 5 months now, since his last roommate dropped out. yet, honestly, taehyung didn't think he'd ever get used to seeing that worldwide-handsome face in the same vicinity as him everyday. that would always be a shocker, no matter how many times they saw one another.

having a crush was new for taehyung. to put it bluntly, he knew he was good-looking. he definitely wasn't conceited or snobbish about his natural attractiveness, he honestly didn't care about looks. however, he was used to having a secret admirer or two, and unfortunately had to let many people down with his unrequited feelings. he never had any romantic attraction for anyone, even if he knew he was bisexual. in fact, romance really didn't play a role in his life. taehyung liked to paint, watch cartoons, eat snacks and play videogames. he chose friends and food over chasing after boys and girls. he hadn't even watched porn before, that's how uninterested in sex and relationships he was. call him immature or weird, but romance just didn't do much for him. it seemed boring. why would people waste there time on a silly boyfriend or girlfriend when they could be having fun? it just didn't make sense to him.

that was until he met his roommate. now, that was all he could think about. well, besides school and food, that is.

"that's rich coming from you, mr. i have muscles and a six-pack and tattoos and a fucking eyebrow piercing but i'm still too shy to even talk to jisoo." taehyung shot back with a smirk.

at that, jungkook flushed completely. it was true, despite being a 5 course meal plus desert, jungkook was the shyest person taehyung had ever met. he didn't have many friends besides taehyung, his roommate, hoseok, and hoseok's boyfriend. and the latter was just a friend of circumstances. the younger man also couldn't even look a girl in the eyes without blushing profusely and damn near pissing himself from nervousness. jungkook had a slight lisp and an occasional stutter as well, but taehyung found it quite endearing and sweet.

"t-that's not the point, hyung, and you know it!" jungkook replied hastily, still blushing. "why don't you just tell him how you feel? you've been pining after this dude for months!"

taehyung sighed heavily, the sigh morphing into a deep groan.

"because i literally don't know how! jin-hyung isn't going to take my confession seriously if i just say it! he's already rejected half the campus! he needs a gesture! some bold statement," taehyung explained in an exasperated manner, not caring if he was kinda rambling. "he deserves more than some half-hearted bullshit. i have to find a way to catch his attention, something to show him i'm different than the others. that i'm not just another idiot underclassmen trying to win him over! i just don't know what-!"

taehyung took a deep breath, ending his rant. he was beginning to feel upset, having a tendency to work himself up easily. he took a moment to collect himself, or at least try, and looked at the younger expectantly.

"don't look at me like that, hyung." he said after a moment, watching warily as taehyung took deep breaths, trying to calm himself down. "you know what you gotta do, so do it." he shrugged, still observing his friend. "leth' talk about something else, okay?" jungkook suggested, not wanting his hyung to get anymore upset.

before taehyung could protest, there was a knock at the door.

"that must be hobi-hyung." jungkook spoke, getting up to let his dormmate in. taehyung stayed seated.

as the elder entered the room, the heavenly aroma of pizza followed, wafting around the dorm and into taehyung's nose. his mouth watered. pizza was the perfect comfort food. it always made him feel sated and happy. he could never get tired of it.

"hey tae-ah, i didn't know you would be here!" hoseok beamed, as he brought the pizza boxes over and placed them on the table. "how are you?"

"stressed and hungry."

hobi laughed loudly, his sunshine-like smile lighting up the room. taehyung always liked him. he was sweet, funny, and very handsome. he had a slim build, was a hip-hop dancer, and taehyung had seen his abs before. he'd be jealous if he cared about looks.

"aren't we all?" he joked, before he turned around and looked back at the still open door. "aish, yoongi-hyung, get your ass in here already!"

a low, "i'm coming, fuck off," emitted from beyond the threshold, before hoseok's boyfriend entered the room with a goofy grin and cases of beer and soda in his arms.

looking up at him, taehyung was taken aback.

the last time he'd seen yoongi, at least long enough to get a decent look at him, he'd been skinny. not just skinny, but nearly malnourished looking. his face had been gaunt and he was tiny in comparison to a healthy body. a good wind could have knocked him over. that was months ago. the yoongi he saw now looked quite different. he was filled out, his cheeks plumped and colored as apposed to pale and lifeless like before. his midsection as well, was that a belly? small, yes, but it was there. he looked so much... different. he wondered why.

taehyung had heard about relationship weight many times, and had seen it first-hand as well. when someone gets into a safe and loving relationship, they naturally gain weight. hoseok had opened up to jungkook and taehyung a few times, admitting that yoongi had been in an abusive relationship in the past. however, he was in a healthy one with hoseok now. honestly, it warmed taehyung's heart to see the once frail and sad-looking boy happy and healthy-looking.

it made him wonder if he would ever find a relationship like that. would he put on weight as well? probably not. his metabolism was way too fast, anyways.

"i brought some beer, jungkook don't drink it all this time." yoongi grunted, setting the packs by the desk and plopping down next to his boyfriend on his bed. "oh, taehyung's here. good thing we bought too much pizza."

the others chuckled. taehyung cocked a brow and frowned slightly. what was that supposed to mean?

"i'm starving." jungkook stated to no one in particular, grabbing himself a slice of pizza and a can of beer. taehyung wouldn't be having any alcohol, though, because it always made his cholinergic urticaria act up, and he wasn't in the mood for an itchy rash. besides, he liked soda much more.

"i thought you were on a diet, kookie-ah!" hoseok fake scolded. jungkook scoffed playfully.

"it's called bulking, hyung." he joked. everyone knew he rarely let himself eat like this. he was extremely disciplined. taehyung might've been jealous. "and what about you? thought you were on a diet!"

"i am." the elder replied. "this is all i'm eating. i've still got that dance competition next week- yah! yoongi, don't get sauce on my sheets, you pig!"

he swatted weakly at the mint-haired boy, who nudged him in return and rolled his eyes. it made taehyung smile.

"you can have some too, taehyung-ah." hoseok spoke after a bit. it was then taehyung realized he hadn't gotten any yet. "i know how much you like pizza."

once again, another comment.

"i mean, i don't like it that much." he mumbled, grabbing a slice and and taking a bite. he knew he was bluffing. pizza was the best.

jungkook snorted.

"bullshit tae, you almost always eat an entire pizza whenever we hang out!"

it was true. on an empty stomach, he could scarf down a whole pizza. more if he was especially hungry.

he decided not to reply, finishing his first slide and heading for a second. sinking his teeth into the slice, he all but moaned. it was supreme pizza, his favorite.

"honestly, i have no idea where he puts it all." the redhead commented, finishing up his slice. that was all he'd probably eat, seeing as he's on a diet and all.

"i-i do!" jungkook teased, stuttering slightly from the excitement. "he puth' it all right here."

suddenly, taehyung felt a finger poke his belly. he froze. he looked down to see jungkook's tattooed pointer finger sunk into his plush middle.

"wow, taehyung-hyung." the younger softly exclaimed. "i didn't know your tummy was this squishy."

taehyung felt himself blushing. not out of embarrassment, but something else. jungkook was still touching his belly.

"no way, let me feel!" hoseok reached over, but all too late. taehyung swatted them away and curled into himself, arms wrapped firmly around his middle.

"don't! i'm ticklish!" he lied. yes, he was ticklish, but that's not why he didn't want them to feel his stomach.

it was a strange sensation, really...

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a pizza and a 2L of soda later, taehyung felt warm and fuzzy and full.

hoseok and yoongi had left for yoongi's dorm. taehyung was assuming they wanted some alone time, and he knew yoongi had his own private dorm. he didn't want to think about what they'd do, though. ew, just... ew.

taehyung leaned back and closed his eyes, feeling sated. he gently patted his taut tummy and let out a deep burp, sighing afterwards. that was another thing he was shameless about. if he had to burp, he always just let it out. leaving the trapped gas in his belly only made it hurt, so he didn't hold back. besides, it felt good and it was only natural. he usually didn't even say "excuse me." he didn't understand why he had to. everyone burped; why excuse yourself for something completely normal? unlike jungkook, who'd probably die from humiliation, taehyung wasn't shy about it. the only person he'd be even remotely embarrassed in front of was seokjin, but that's a different story.

"mmm, that was yummy, kookie. i'm stuffed."

jungkook was drinking another beer, beyond drunk by now. he mumbled something incoherent, followed by a hiccup and a groan.

"aw kookie, are you drunk?" taehyung teased, ruffling the maknae's soft, black hair. the younger grumbled again. "tired, little guy? let's get you to sleep, bun."

gently, taehyung guided the nearly-passed-out jungkook's head to the pillow of his bed.

"sleep well, bun." he whispered sweetly, leaving a feather-light kiss on the younger's forehead. he'd probably have to stop by tomorrow morning to take care of him when he woke up with a hangover. he was bound to have a killer one with all the beer he guzzled down, and taehyung knew hoseok didn't do well with vomit. he didn't mind, however. taehyung loved to take care of his friends, anyways.

before he left, taehyung cleaned up, ate the last couple pieces the boys left, and did some of the dishes for them. he also really needed to pee, so he made a quick trip to the bathroom.

once he'd gone and washed his hands, he took a moment to observe himself in the mirror.

i looked really good today, taehyung thought, peering into the mirror and adjusting his gold-framed glasses. despite being quite handsome, he still felt insecure sometimes, especially as of lately. with some of the comments his friends had been making, he wasn't sure what to think. it was almost as if there was some kind of big joke, and he was the only one who wasn't in on it. he really didn't know.

before taehyung could turn away and exit the small bathroom, his eyes caught something in the corner, by the shower.

a scale.

he had forgotten that jungkook did weight training. it was probably his to keep track of that. or maybe it was hoseok's, since he was on a diet and all. it didn't matter. it shouldn't matter.

however, for some reason, he wanted to try it. knowing your weight couldn't hurt, right? it's just a number, anyways. besides, he was curious.

taehyung pulled the digital scale out and stepped on it, waiting patiently for the box to calculate his weight. it couldn't be too much. he was thin, after all.

looking down, his eyes widened.

78.1kg.

he blinked.

huh. so that's how much he weighed.

the last time taehyung had been properly weighed was his physical exam before freshman year. that was nearly a year ago. he was so thin, weighing in at 60.3 kg. since then, he'd gained roughly 17.8 kg.

wait a minute, that couldn't be right, could it? but he had a fast metabolism! not to mention, he's fairly active. well... sometimes. but he does do a lot of walking! something had to be wrong.

taehyung stepped off the scale, allowing it to level back to a clear screen. he then stepped back on.

78.1kg.

this didn't seem possible. maybe it's because of his clothes. maybe he needed to strip down to his underwear like when he had a checkup at the doctor's. quickly, taehyung peeled off his corduroy pants and baggy sweater, leaving him in his undies and tata-themed socks.

what? they were cute!

standing back on the digital scale, taehyung peered down at the number expectantly.

it was the same, the clothes only weighing a little.

maybe it was all the food he just ate, or maybe he had to use the toilet? but that doesn't explain all those kilos...

he placed himself back on the ground, dumbfounded. how did he manage to put on that much? that was like the freshman 15 (lbs) tripled!

taehyung sighed lowly, before turning to face the mirror.

in just his undies, and for the first time since freshman year, taehyung noticed his body.

his thighs were thick, clinging together like chunky glue. gentle stretch marks adorned the insides, which weren't new, seeing as he's always been a bit thicker than his peers growing up. however, they were more prominent. spinning around, he viewed his ass, which giggled almost lewdly with the slight movement. the plump, golden globes looked even plumper than they had. he had always had an ass, but now? he could probably play a pixar mom in a live-action film.

last, but certainly not least, his eyes settled on the most obvious change: his stomach. his tummy hung over the waistband of his underwear, extremely bloated and round from his big dinner and all the soda he drank. yet, despite being stuffed with pizza, it had softness to it. taehyung ran his hands over his belly, pinching the excess pudge. it wasn't too big, but it was noticable. more than noticable.

taehyung wasn't skinny anymore. he had gotten a bit chubby.

and, strangely enough, he didn't care. infact, he liked it.

taehyung knew he ate a lot of unhealthy foods, that was just who he was. why would he deny himself all the yummy things he liked to eat, just to maintain an "attractive" body? so what he wasn't slim like hoseok or muscular and shredded like jungkook? his body was perfectly fine. it did it's job, and that was the important thing.

above all things, taehyung was shameless. having gained weight didn't mean a thing to him. he was an artist, after all, not a model. his figure really didn't matter in the long run. he was still the same handsome guy, just with a little extra chub. and, honestly, he wondered what he'd look like with just a little bit more. just another layer of cream on his body. he's sure he'd like it, especially with how he reacted to having his tummy poked earlier by jungkook.

so, with the new information tucked in the back of his mind, taehyung dressed and left the small bathroom, making his way out of his sleeping friend's dorm. after double checking on jungkook and leaving the wastebasket beside his bed, just in case he woke up sick, the fluffy-haired boy exited the dorm and began his walk down the hallway, back to his own dorm.

after eating, taehyung usually felt sleepy, so it was no surprise to him that he found himself growing sluggish and drowsy as he strode back to his room. it was a pleasant feeling, really. he'd probably take a nice nap when he got back. maybe make some hot chocolate and catch up on some dramas. yeah, that sounded nice.

as he opened the door to his dorm, he was met with a flush of warmth and soft light. faint music played in the background, and a scent immediately met his nose as he stepped in. it smelled delightful. that could only mean one thing.

taehyung hadn't expected seokjin to be home so early. he wished he'd known; he'd like to have put more time into his appearance. welp, baggy sweater and messy-haired taehyung would have to do.

"ah, tae! you're home!" he heard seokjin call from the stove as he shucked off his loafers. he suddenly felt uncharacteristically shy, shifting his weight from his left foot to his right as seokjin walked up to him, all broad-shouldered and stupidly handsome. "how was your day?"

taehyung smiled as seokjin went in for a gentle hug, sinking into his warm embrace and inhaling his calming scent. seokjin was a real hugger, which taehyung appreciated because he, himself, was an absolute cuddle monster and jumped for any physical affection. it didn't help the butterflies in his stomach, however. he'd hope to just digest them already and move on from this silly crush.

"my day was a happy one, thank you," taehyung replied, nearly pouting as seokjin pulled away from the embrace. "how was your's, hyung?"

"better now that you're here." the elder smiled warmly, and taehyung felt his face heat up. seokjin always knew the right things to say to get his heart racing like mad. "come sit in the kitchen and keep me company while i cook?"

the younger nodded timidly, feeling pleasantly small next to his hyung. he followed him like a puppy to the dorm kitchenette, taking a seat at the small bar table.

"so," seokjin began, as he stirred a pot of glass noodles, keeping an eye on the vegetables and pork strips in the frying pan. he was making japchae, one of taehyung's favorite dishes. "have you eaten dinner yet?"

"oh, i ate pizza at jungkook and hoseok-hyung's place," he answered, hand going instinctively to his still-bloated tum, giving it a fond pat. "truth be told, i probably overate." he let out an uneasy chuckle in an attempt to distract himself from the warmth growing in his lower belly. what was happening to him?

seokjin waved him off.

"there's no such thing as overeating if it tastes good," he countered, and before taehyung could understand what was going on, a steaming plate of japchae was placed in front of him. it was a heaping serving, the small plate only making it look bigger. "here, have some of this."

taehyung flushed, gingerly sliding the plate away.

"um, i-i shouldn't, hyung," he stammered, hand still on his middle, almost defensively, as if he were guarding it. "thank you, but i'm still pretty stuffed."

seokjin chuckled deeply, full lips curled into a smirk. he pushed the dish back in front of him. taehyung gulped.

"taehyung-ah, i've seen you demolish three times this and more in one sitting. i'm not exactly convinced that 'stuffed' is in your vocabulary."

there it was. another comment about his eating habits. however, this time, instead of irritation, he felt something... else.

"jin-hyung, i-"

"you wouldn't let all my hard work go to waste, would you?" seokjin questioned, pouting. taehyung felt his heart jump. "i made this all just for you."

"well... alright. i'll have a bite or... two." taehyung finally spoke, unable to look his hyung in the eye. picking up the pair of chopsticks, he hesitantly began to eat.

it was delicious. of course it would be.

in all his time, taehyung had never met as good a cook as seokjin. not even his own mother --who could whip up a mean bibimbap like nobody's business-- could compare to his skills. the younger male couldn't even count on two hands how many times he's had his belly nearly bursting out of his pants from seokjin's cooking. whatever it was he was making, taehyung was sure to gorge himself to new heights every time; now was only proof of that. seokjin didn't seem to mind. infact, he encouraged it.

"taste good?" the elder quizzed, taking a seat in front of the eating boy and gazing at him fondly, if not a bit intently.

taehyung took a moment to finish chewing his mouthful and swallow. he grinned.

"amazing," he answered, licking his lips. "your cooking always is the best, hyung. it's, like, ethereal."

seokjin let out his iconic windshield wiper laugh, which only made his dongsaeng giggle.

"well, if it's good enough to pull out the 50 cent words for," be mused, leaning a tad closer. "then it's good enough to finish, yeah?"

taehyung's smile faded, as he peered up at the taller man wordlessly.

"you know i don't like leftovers, taehyung-ah. scrape your plate. clean."

he didn't have to tell taehyung twice. something about the subtle command in his tone --the sprinkle of dominance within the seemingly innocent words-- sparked a flame that licked into taehyung's belly.

he continued to eat, and before he could really process anything, his chopsticks clinked against an empty plate. instantly, a crimson heat spread over his face. it was as if he were a different person for a moment.

"all done?" seokjin questioned, taking the plate from the boy as he nodded sheepishly. "good job, tae-ah! you did so well!"

taehyung felt his pants become tighter at his elder's words of encouragement.

"feeling full?"

taehyung's adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed the lump in his throat.

"i-" a burp interrupted him. he stayed quiet for a moment, hand covering his mouth, before he spoke up again. "excuse me, sorry."

he was blushing like mad. shameless taehyung who?

seokjin snorted. "guess that answers my question."

the slight teasing only increased the tightness of his pants, though he remained oblivious.

to say taehyung was full was a gross understatement. he'd passed the limitations for being full. he felt like if he moved even an inch he'd explode, literally. he looked 7 months pregnant.

"jin-hyung," he began with a taut hiccup, a slight whine to his voice. "i think... i think i ate too much."

and there it was, the rarer side of shameless taehyung. the one who needed affection after overdoing it, and wasn't afraid to beg for it.

"aw, you poor thing," his hyung cooed, helping the younger stand. his belly felt heavy and stuffed to the brim. "let's get you to the couch yeah? how's some hot chocolate sound? sound nice?"

taehyung nodded and hummed, blissed out from the tight fullness. he'd never felt this way from just eating before.

he took a seat on the couch as seokjin scurried off to make hot chocolate, and he used the opportunity to unbutton his pants. although he wasn't exactly too keen on being so unkempt in front of his love interest, his pants were digging into his bloated stomach something fierce. slowly, he undid the buttons and pulled down the zipper, freeing and allowing his tummy to rest atop. he sighed in relief, though it was short-lived when he noticed the slight bulge in his pants. well, that's new?

wait a minute--

oh fuck.

he frantically attempted to pull his sweater down to cover his lower region, but it was too snug around his plush middle to budge much. thankfully, it wasn't entirely noticable.

"here you go, taebear," seokjin said as he walked back into the small living room, two mugs of hot chocolate in his hand. one of them had tata all over it: you can guess whose it is. "careful, it's hot. let it cool before you drink it."

taehyung nodded bashfully in reply as the older of the two turned the tv on, switching the channel to some random drama taehyung had seen bits of but couldn't remember the name of. when jin sat down next to him, he immediately snuggled up to his side, head on his broad shoulder.

this. this was heaven right here.

seokjin smiled sweetly, arm wrapping around the younger. his fingers carded through taehyung's fluffy brown hair, earning a quiet sigh and pleased noises from the latter. taehyung's eyes fluttered shut as his scalp was scratched lightly.

soon enough, after finishing his hot chocolate, he felt himself grow drowsy. his belly felt warm and heavy, rising with every deep breath he took.

just as he had nearly dosed off, he felt something warm slip under his sweater and dance against his stomach. it felt like a hand.

he sighed. he must have been dreaming.

slowly, the palm of the hand traced over his swollen tummy, fingers ghosting over his navel. he all but purred at the feeling.

it began to rub circular motions onto the bloated skin with a gentle pressure, releasing a few soft burps from taehyung, who mewled at the lovely sensation. he began to fall deeper into slumber, the warm feeling being the last thing he could remember before he completely fell sound asleep.

when taehyung awoke, he was in his own room, in his own bed. he was under the blankets, glasses neatly placed on the bedside table. yawning, he looked around, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

had he been dreaming this whole time?

placing a hand on his middle, he was shocked to feel how bloated and round it was.

nope. it was all real.

and it felt completely, utterly, shamelessly good.

♡

☆

♡

"hey hobi-hyung, what's up?" taehyung spoke into the receiver of his phone after answering hoseok's call. he was currently working on an oil painting while munching on the oreos he'd bought at the campus snack venue on his way home.

"hey tae," he heard a strained voice answer. someone was in the background coughing. "could-" hoseok was cut off by what sounded like a particularly loud heave "ugh. could you do me a solid, tae. i'll pay you back, i promise."

and just like that, taehyung was on his way over to jungkook and hoseok's dorm. he'd debated bringing his painting with him, but eventually decided against the idea. he didn't want to make sick jungkook even sicker, nor did he want hoseok to complain about him stinking up the dorm with his paint.

the second he opened the door, hoseok rushed out.

"thanks a million, taehyung," he spoke frantically, clearly frazzled but trying to stay calm, though it was evident he was hanging on by a thread. "i hate to do this to you but you know how i am."

taehyung gave him a reassuring smile.

"hobi-hyung don't worry, it's alright! i don't mind!" he explained, placing a hand on his hyung's shoulder. "how's he doing?"

hoseok closed his eyes.

"ugh, he's just... ugh."

taehyung laughed and shook his head.

"aish, i told that dummy not to drink so much," he playfully face-palmed, giggling. "alright hyungie, head over to yoongi-hyung's. i'll take it from here."

hoseok sighed a breath of relief.

"you're a little saint, you know that, taetae?"

he pinched taehyung's full cheeks, kissing his forehead before rushing off. taehyung blushed and giggled to himself softly.

hoseok was really something else.

upon entering his friend's shared dorm and turning on the light, his eyes instantly landed on jungkook, who looked like he'd seen better days.

"taehyung?" he heard the younger croak from his bed, eyes squinted nearly shut. "shit, kill the lights will you, please?"

taehyung quickly flicked the switch off.

"oh, sorry kookie-ah," taehyung apologized, making his way in the dim room to the bed, where he sat.

"it's alright hyung, my head is just absolutely murdering me right now."

"feeling pretty bad, aren't we, bun?" taehyung murmured softly, rubbing the younger's back tenderly.

"god, 'm never fucking drinking again."

taehyung chuckled, shaking his head. he knew that was a lie; he'd probably be in the same position next weekend taking care of the hungover boy.

"okay, bun," he replied, fondly. "can i get you anything? painkillers, perhaps?"

jungkook shook his head, instantly wincing at the movement.

"no i already took some before you came." he answered. "could you just hold me for a bit, please?" his doe eyes found taehyung's gaze in the dark.

the elder boy swallowed back an 'awwww' as he laid down on the bed, taking the sick boy into his arms. he ran his fingers through the younger's silky, black hair. jungkook sighed.

"thanks, hyungie." jungkook mumbled into taehyung's warm chest. "you're the best."

a soft smile melted onto taehyung's lips. the two boys sat in a quiet trance for a while, the only sound being breathing and the hum of the ac. after some time had passed, jungkook broke the silence.

"um, hyungie?"

"what is it, bun?" taehyung replied, looking down at the boy.

"i-i um..." he began, stuttering from what taehyung assumed was nervousness. his stutter always worsened when he was nervous, the elder noticed. "i'm s-s-sorry about what i said yesterday."

taehyung haulted his movements, cocking a brow in confusion.

"what are you talking about, jungkook?"

"yes'therday," he paused to grimace at his lisp, before going on, "with hobi-hyung and yoongi-hyung." jungkook responded anxiously. "i-i shouldn't have c-commented on your body or how much you eat like that. if someone had made a comment about m-m-my stutter or lisp, i'd have been sad. it wasn't cool of me to point out an insecurity like that. i'm- i'm sorry." his voice broke a tad at the last part, though taehyung nearly didn't catch it.

taehyung blinked, taking a moment to process his dongsaeng's confession.

"okay, kookie, three things," taehyung replied after some thought, returning to stroking the boy's hair. "one: it's alright, don't worry about it. i'm definitely not upset with you, honey. two: your stutter and lisp are perfectly fine. they make you unique, make you you, so don't be embarrassed about how you talk, and don't take shit from absolutely anyone about it. got it?"

jungkook nodded, eyes still glassy.

taehyung smiled and continued.

"and three: what makes you think i'm insecure about my body?"

jungkook froze for a moment, clearly trying to conjure up an answer that wouldn't hurt his hyung's feelings.

"um..."

"is it because i'm chubby?"

jungkook didn't say anything, causing taehyung to sigh audibly.

"i have no reason to be insecure about my body, you know, jungkook?" taehyung calmly retorted, not in a mean or scolding manner, but in a blunt one. "i love my body. my tummy's job is to digest the food i eat and convert it to energy. that's it, and he's doing a pretty good job at it. so, therefore, i have no real reason to be insecure, and i'm not. a little tummy fat never hurt anyone."

jungkook looked up to gaze at his hyung.

"so, it didn't hurt your feelings when i t-touched your belly, then?" he asked, voice still slightly broken. taehyung wiped the stray tears from his dongsaeng's cheeks.

"of course not, kookie-ah," the older boy reassured, lips spreading into a grin. "in fact... i liked it."

jungkook went stiff.

"u-um... i-i'm flattered, hyung, i really am... b-but i like girls..."

taehyung let out a deep, rumbly laugh.

"don't be silly, bun!" he teased, still chuckling. "i wasn't talking about you! i wouldn't date your lame ass anyways, even if you did like guys!"

this earned him a playful slap.

"but you did... like it?" jungkook questioned after a comfortable silence.

taehyung nodded a bit stiffly.

"yeah, i... i guess i did." he admitted. "to be honest... i wouldn't mind if seokjin touched m- woah! sorry about the tmi! literally forget i said that, please. like, erase it from your memory."

taehyung flushed in embarrassment as jungkook burst out laughing.

"yah, don't make fun of me! i'll kick your ass you little shit!"

despite the teasing, taehyung definitely wouldn't mind if seokjin touched his belly. infact, he'd fucking love it.

and, well... this all was... new. he'd like to explore this more in the future.

however, little did taehyung know, he wasn't the only one with a bit of experimentation in mind.

♡

☆

♡

♡´･ᴗ･`♡ ♡´･ᴗ･`♡ ♡´･ᴗ･`♡

hi!! hope you enjoyed this!! maybe a part 2?? please let me know what you think!! love you!!

~ jelly ૮ᴖﻌᴖა

♡´･ᴗ･`♡ ♡´･ᴗ･`♡ ♡´･ᴗ･`♡

[flying-elliska]

My experiences with AVPD

I have seen some general, very useful and well researched info posts about AVPD here but very few personal testimonies (...unsurprisingly so). Since any diagnosis covers a spectrum of experiences I think that can be interesting to talk about, to show there are different ways this can impact people and that not everybody is going to fit the textbook criteria to a T - really that there is no "one valid way" that these struggles should look. I have been diagnosed recently, earlier this year, but it was immediately very obvious to me how this had impacted my life deeply. (I have ADHD too so this necessarily colors all of this).

Obligatory disclaimer I am not a mental health professional, etc. Usual warnings for discussions of bad mental head spaces apply.

- Contrary to stereotypes I'm not very shy, in the right social context I can be outgoing, playful, engaging, taking the lead, making jokes, I like being in a crowd, speaking in front of people, being the center of attention, etc. However, the "right social context" is something very elusive and rare - i must be sure of my place and purpose, that everybody likes me and wants me there, know what i am expected to do, that ppl sees me how i want to be seen, i need to be in the right mood and energy...honestly i can count on my hands the number of times this has happened in my life. This is super frustrating because i feel like a whole pan of my personality is locked away from me.

- In most social situations I become very stressed out, even if this is often not visible. I become closed off or I dissociate ; a part of my mind and personality disappear/blank out ; I find it very difficult to know what to say or anything at all. I can come over as very standoffish. In some cases this is so awful I just prefer to leave. In some situations I can power through and then I play the chameleon ; I adapt to other people's behavior and expectations ; I observe and analyze the dominant social norms in a group as if it were a specific subculture and I was a sociologist trying to blend in ; sometimes I create a persona to shield behind ; i can be charming for 3 minutes but I never manage to actually share/bond with people on a deeper level ; when I succeed this makes me feel safer - but in both cases, I find it difficult to be authentic around people, I'm terrified of being judged and disapproved of, being exposed as some sort of horrible person or people using it against me ; it leaves me feeling isolated, alienated, and like I don't fit in anywhere ; like I'm always wearing some sort of mask and there is nothing underneath. This gets less bad when I am around a small number of people I know and trust, but flares up in big groups and unfamiliar situations. It makes most social interactions an exhausting amount of work.

- My inner critic is on fucking steroids ; constantly popping up in my brain with some truly heinous, horrible takes about whatever I'm doing or thinking or who i am as a person. For sheer survival I've had to learn to take it less seriously, like "haha whatever you dramatic bitch" but fucking hell, it's still there, and it's so insidious sometimes, with snap judgments i don't even realize are happening but that send me in a spiral of guilt and shame for the rest of the day. It's also very clever in its cruelty, often masquerading as concern (and yeah that's a direct gift from my mom love it). It turns my developed capacities for psychological analysis against me as a weapon. It's sad bc it's absolutely a very dysfunctional coping/protection mechanism. So nobody can tell me anything more awful than what I already tell myself. If I am my own worst enemy, I am less scared of others wanting to hurt me.

- This is very linked to my perfectionism and wanting to avoid hurt ; I have this deeply rooted unconscious belief that there is something wrong with me and that I need to change who I am as a person so i can be worthy of love/respect. I go through these cycles of having bouts of perfectionist energy where I make plans (very insane and unrealistic) to drastically overhaul my life, try for a few days, predictably fail, and give up, ending up in a swamp of powerless lethargy and feelings of uselessness that drag on for weeks where I am convinced I will always be an utter failure and trying anything is pointless ; then rinse and repeat. I've been on this hamster wheel ever since I was like, 13, which is when I remember making my first "life change program". Which is honestly really fucking sad. I have gotten a little bit more understanding and flexible with myself (my ADHD diagnosis has helped a lot with the idea that there are things that are just not humanly possible to do) but it's still hard to stop these swings from insane, morally weighed pressure to complete despondency. The added complication from ADHD is that because of problems with executive function, perfectionism is often how I try to motivate myself. This does not work very well or at all, but it's like a drug that is very difficult to let go of.

- This all has a lot of very real consequences on my life. I procrastinate enormously - this is already an ADHD problem but this makes the "emotional wall" a lot worse. I find it very hard to finish any project because that would mean exposing myself to judgment and criticism. I have literally started jobs/internships where I put an insane amount of pressure on myself to be perfect, became super nervous and therefore performing less well, had a breakdown at the first little mistake and ended up quitting because I felt too ashamed. Which is like. So fucking stupid in hindsight like the number of opportunities I have wasted in hindsight have me frothing at the mouth. So my academic/professional/financial prospects have taken a big hit from this. I am a huge nerd, I love studying and learning and understanding things for the sheer pleasure of it but - this is also why I am still not done with my masters - I regularly get panic attacks during studying where my brain starts basically eating itself up about not knowing everything and therefore being stupid (bitch what!) to the point where I can't even think anymore ; I am also terrified of expressing my own opinion outside of anonymous internet spaces or circles of trusted friends ; because what if I get it horribly wrong and get outed as stupid/awful/sloppy/lazy etc. All in all, the more important something is for me, the less likely I am to engage in it constructively without sabotaging myself, which makes making my life into something I can love very difficult.

- All of this makes it very hard to maintain any kind of relationships. I'm terrified of intimacy, of hurting people or getting hurt if I open up, of being manipulated and used, of being cruel and selfish, of being too needy, of being too cold and distant, etc. I'm bad at setting boundaries and I too often try to become exactly what I think the other person needs/wants from me, erasing my own personality or opinions in the process ; often I do this without even realizing it. I'm not that bad at making friends but I sabotage a lot of my relationships once they get past a certain level of closeness and age - a lot of my friendships have petered off around the 2 years or so mark, because at some point when I feel like my friends have seen too much of the parts of myself I am ashamed about (especially the part where I am just not getting anywhere with my life) it feels like too much, I close myself off and the thing just eventually dies off. Otherwise I just get into these very codependent, intense, fusional friendships that mirror the relationship I had with my mother, trying to be the savior and perfect confident and ending up in awful spirals or enabling dysfunctional behavior. My romantic history is just...Blegh. As a result of all the stress, negative emotions and hypervigilance (that is very linked to trauma), I often have very low energy and motivation to do the things that are important to me. I find it hard to be spontaneous, playful, affectionate ; to express my emotions at all ; I often come over as cold, remote, judgmental, even mean, when it's rarely what I intend. So like, in the end, I'm very lonely. I like to pretend I'm not because I do like my own company, I have so much to do and I'm rarely bored, but...Still.

For me AVPD is really the result of this confrontation, on one hand, between this hyperdeveloped inner critic and on the other, the avoidant/escapist coping mechanism of that 'inner wounded child' that feels perpetually powerless and persecuted. It's like a pinball, or back and forth from one state to the other, each giving rise to the next one like a perpetual motion machine. (I am learning in schema therapy that that overlaps very well with schema modes and I am actually pretty hopeful that digging into that will help me understand and evolve this dynamic into something more livable - ADHD meaning I don't think I will ever totally escape the 'boom/bust' inspiration and motivation cycles, but there should be a healthy way to go with that flow)

This all sounds really dire but it's of course not all there is to my life. I used to be much worse, but therapy already has helped me a lot with winding down the worst excesses of self hate and depression ; medication has helped me feel more emotionally stable. I know that, even if it doesn't look like it, I have a core that is pretty damn resilient and stoic (too much, maybe). I have developed a lot of compassion, self awareness, understanding of human psychology, and sense of inner humor through all of this. I do have a few very rewarding relationships in my life nowadays. I have come so far in building my sense of self independently from my family and my mother in particular, seeing through all the crap that I was raised to consider normal. I feel so much more lucid and serene these days, so much closer to being myself, and that is just everything.

And - I just fucking love life, man - it's the good side to all that sensitivity ; sometimes I look at the sunset sky or the stars or trees and I feel high on the beauty of the world. I have a lot of imagination, I love creating, learning, reading, writing - I have had to become a philosopher and a poet to survive and I don't regret it one bit. I have plenty of good days - I go for walks at sunset, I write, I study and read some interesting things, I bike around and explore new places, I meet friends for coffee, I go to the museum, I take nice pictures, I go to the thrift store, I have dinner with my housemates, I do yoga or embroidery or drawings, I bake, I pet the cat, I manage to get some work done ...I have made a religion out of living out the little things fully the last few years (stuck in a pandemic, you kind of have to) and yes my life these days feels small and slow and that is frustrating but at the same time ? I am genuinely happy sometimes. Yes, several times a day, or whenever I interact with the outer world, the bad things above flare up, but I am getting better at dealing with them. I truly am on the path of recovery and healing. These issues are a big part of my life but I cannot be reduced to them.

So, if you are dealing with these issues too (and somehow managed to read all of this lmao) I do want to say that there is hope and that no matter how horrible everything feels at times - it's never all there is. You're probably a lot stronger than you think. And - I have been to four therapy groups by now, and an almost constant is that these groups are full of overly worried sweethearts with big anxious eyes who just care too damn much and are very sensitive in a world that doesn't value that (and it's the world that is wrong about that, on the whole). Odds are you are one of them too. And yes maybe - you have ugly sides, you feel scarred and warped by trauma and loneliness and hurt and fear but - I think that is also very much at the core of human experience, you just have less control over when it shows. The exposure is painful but anyone being too nasty about it is probably afraid of their own frailty. You are so human it hurts and there is beauty and grace and knowledge in that ; even at your most pathetic, the sublime is never that far. The things that weigh you down are strengths in the making ; you just need to learn to use them properly. And you have the right not to be strong sometimes too. It will be alright.

[satingrove]

the hours

pairing: obi-wan kenobi x reader

summary: obi-wan pays you a visit before leaving for kamino

content: uhh SOFTNESS, fluff, a cute obi-wan and youngling moment, steamy meditation, more fluff, aotc obi rights, no gender specification

wc: 3.136k :’)

Lost a planet, Master Obi-Wan has. How embarrassing... How embarrassing.

He had one important trip to make before seeking out said planet.

Obi-Wan nods to those who pass him by, walking briskly through the Temple with his hands clasped in front of him, thinking on Yoda's other (more helpful) words, go to the center of gravity's pull and find your planet, you will. It would still be a while before he did so.

He nears an opening of transparisteel, scratching his beard and peering out of it - as if Kamino would appear in the sky, knowing it was sought after. But it's not there, as expected.

Sighing, Obi-Wan closes his eyes, focusing on the surrounding energy, the swirls of air and the sound of quiet walking, trying to single out a presence by the trace of a Force Signature. He gets just a whisper of it when his attention is broken by two small hands tugging at his cloak.

"Obi-Wan!"

Katooni, a youngling Tholothian, starts to wrap her short arms around Obi's leg, who chuckles in return. His hand comes to rest on her head.

"Little one, are you supposed to be in the library with the others?" Obi-Wan doesn't take an accusatory tone - it's laced with amusement at the youngling petting at his calf.

Katooni turns shy, hiding her face and slowly trying to inch away. The taller of the two crouches, his cloak pooling generously around him at the floor. Obi-Wan meets her at eye level, ensuring her comfort.

"I'm not here to get you into trouble, Katooni. Is that where you're supposed to be?" He displays clear and attentive empathy, though not without a trace of austerity.

Slowly, delayed by gentle shame, the Tholothian's head nods up and down.

"I was just taking a walk for a break, Master Kenobi."

He smiles, rising to stand and extending his pinkie to her, "Then I suppose I'll accompany you back, young one?"

She takes it with a soothed giggle, and he realizes the words that stuck with him from so many months ago, ones you had uttered, were perhaps true - he was indeed favoured among the young ones of the Temple, and it's more evident now than it had been before - Katooni isn't fretting about going back to the library to read up on ancient texts; she's content holding his pinkie with her whole hand, skipping twice to each step he takes.

And Obi-Wan supposes that it isn't a bad thing; to be admired in such ways, yet he does worry about the influence he gives. Was it respectable enough? He never thought he'd earned the right to be idolized. Then again, the child grasping his finger does warm his heart.

The fretting about rightful heroism is soon behind him, what with the more pressing matters on his hands - a voyage to a (seemingly) non-existent planet, and before that, a visit to his dearest.

Obi-Wan crouches before Katooni a second time, just shy of the library.

"I need you to tell me something very important before you go," he sets up his question in an enthusiastic whisper - a secret from everyone else in the Temple. Lightheartedly, he pokes her shoulder, "Have you seen my friend?"

"Oh, I have!" Katooni starts, excited that she had an answer, "I last saw them heading that way, before-" and then she stops, ears starting to burn with the heat of embarrassment. But it's all Obi-Wan needs to know. You'll be in your quarters.

"Ah, before you ran into me and tugged my poor cloak?" His right eyebrow raises.

"Mhm!" She chortles, almost proud of herself. Obi-Wan gives her the warmest of smiles.

"It would be best to stay in there this time." He motions to the library, softly stern, "Although, I'm not exactly sure how you escaped in the first place." Winking, a final gesture to let her know that he's not mad, he makes to cross the hallway.

Obi-Wan hardly turns the corner before Katooni yells her sweetest "thank you!" to him, scurrying back into the vastness of history books. As he weaves his way through those high-ceiling corridors, he ponders the affection he's always given. Had the little ones seen him as a father figure? He wasn't even positive what that was supposed to mean - although, Qui-Gon was the closest he'd ever had to one. The thought stings him for a second, a brief pain in his chest, and he brushes it off with his well-known stoicism, ready to fall into your arms instead for one restoring night.

-

Hood drawn up, he ensures the space around him is empty, pressing the button to your door. Unusually, he hadn't knocked, yet he slips in as it hisses open.

A sigh of relief blows through his pursed lips at his successful venture to forbidden grounds; and like clockwork, his arms fold as he leans his side into the wall. He smirks when you finally see him.

"Maker, I wasn't expecting you-" Your hand on your heart almost worries him.

"Am I not welcome?" He asks quizzically, looking particularly regal, features made dark by the shadow of his hood. Jedi Knight was a rightfully chosen word.

He knew he was indeed welcome.

"Oh, don't be a fool." You kiss his lips in a short but sweet peck, tangling your fingers in the length of his auburn hair and taking his hood down. It's not enough for him.

"You'll have to kiss me longer than that." He talks low and deep against your lips, pressing them back together for a lingering moment. As it consumes your senses, it releases all of his pesky, pent up stresses. His whimper lights up your insides. 

As you come apart for the second time, his hand finds the back of your neck to cradle it delicately, eyes switching between your left and right. "What if I am a fool?"

You jab a finger into his side, "You're not", and he huffs.

"Coming here, I'd say so." He waits with an expectant look, one that makes his eyes crinkle with the smile he's trying to put off.

"Hey!" You swat at his shoulder and he takes it with exuberance, "we're careful enough about it."

Unwittingly, you try walking back to your notebook, in which you were scrawling details about deadly Felucian spore plants.

"Oh, are we?" His hands catch your waist, bringing your back swiftly to his chest. Hands creep under your clothing and caress your bare skin.

It instantly makes you weak against him, powerless to put any stop to it, and you let him continue his loving, handsy, research of your body. "Would you prefer we do this outside?" His mouth is dangerously close to nipping your ear.

"Obi-Wan..." You whine, only giving him extra incentive.

"I thought we were careful enough..."

You turn in his arms, wrapping your own around his neck, his head lazily falling into yours. Carefully, he places open-mouthed kisses all along your collarbone. He's not thinking about Kamino, nor how he'll get there. It's all forgotten as he adores you with his lips.

It feels so soft and elegant, he's so soft and elegant, but even as he's lost in his amorous deeds, the nature of his visit hasn't escaped you yet. Secrecy lead you to plan specific times to indulge in each other, although here he is, a doting surprise.

You reluctantly hum a pushy sound. He stops his movements but his lips stay connected to you. Obi-Wan hums a questioning hmm? in return.

"Did you have something to tell me?" You take him by the shoulders, all of a sudden worried that he most likely did and that it wouldn't be your favourite piece of news.

"Oh," he grumbles in slight annoyance, not at you but at the thought of leaving you in a few hours' time. "Yes, love, I did come to speak with you about something."

Your stomach drops, something he senses, and he hurriedly implores you not to panic. Taking both your hands in his, he leads you to your bed and sits down with you on its plush mattress.

He gets on with it, "I'll be leaving soon," starting slowly, gauging your reactions, "to look for a planet erased from the archives. I don't know what I may come into contact with."

The something he came to talk about doesn't startle you as much as you'd expected. Obi-Wan is a very capable Jedi, and he usually left little room for you to fret over his well-being. That said, you did anyway, all the time. His penchant for being mouthy at odds happened to cost him some blood, but this seemed as normal a job as any.

"I came to tell you," he brushes a piece of hair behind your ear, eyes following it, then meeting your gaze again, "and spend the rest of the time I have with you."

His lips envelop yours once more, this time with more bursting energy, eagerly as having an itch that couldn't be scratched. And then it all turns soft, his hair tickling your cheek as he rubs his face along your neck, taking in your scent and trying to memorize it to the best of his ability.

"How long is that?" You ask, ruffling his neat, long hair.

"Few hours." He mumbles into your skin, beard scratching against it but it's nothing you mind. "Almost the night." He adds.

The night.

"You know, I'll have to be very centered when I leave."

You do know, and it means he'll want to meditate for a while.

"Of course," your hand finds his cheek, the scruff soft under your palm, "take your time."

Obi-Wan is grateful for your constant understanding, but he has other plans - he never meant to come into your quarters to deny you his attention. You're glad to have him near regardless of what he does, yet his hand rests on your thigh and his eyes turn pleading.

"I thought you could join me." It's less of a question and more of an implication. An implication that it wasn't going to be a traditional meditation session.

You can't muster a proper response, a quiet oh coming out in its place. And as words fail you, you nod your head in agreement. Enthusiastically.

"Very well." He whispers hot against your skin, moving his head from it and standing up - except he starts to take off his cloak and utility belt. A breathy noise, and you earn yourself an amused look from him. "What? Would you rather do it for me?"

You smile charmingly, feet gently kicking at his shins, "Is that what you want?"

And he feels it again. The need to make his love known.

"I couldn't say no, darling." It leaves his chest in a hum, body leaning down for his lips to touch your forehead. Your fingers hook onto his belt, tugging him towards you and threatening to make him topple onto the mattress. He grumbles in happy exasperation, the kind that leaves him feeling overwhelmingly fond of you as you pull it off of him and neatly lay it on the sheets. He smiles at the care you give to himself and his possessions.

His fingers trace the edges of his wrap. He gathers some of it and holds it out to you. Your eyes narrow.

"More?" Your hands slowly extend to the fabric.

"Won't you?" He asks, and you sense a trace of timidity in it that makes your cheeks burn. To have flustered Obi-Wan again, for who knows how many times it's been now - you feel precious. And to him, you were just that.

The back of his hand slips gingerly down your face as you pull, the fabric wrap starting to fall off his shoulders, leaving him in his undershirt. You ravel it around your wrists and lay it beside his belt.

"That's better, thank you." He pushes the sleeves up to his elbows, the fabric loose and airy on his body, and he's effortlessly handsome.

You feebly try not to ogle him, but he's loosened the collar and his chest peeks through the linen, the image romantic on its own. He feels your stare, chuckling sweetly at your enamoured face, "I feel warm when I'm with you," giving a reason to his lack of layers.

You feel warm, too. Obi-Wan guides you to stand - ever the gentleman - and doesn't let you go while he rolls out your intricate rug from Jakku that had been sitting in the corner. Then he does let go of you, sitting down with his legs in front of him, hair falling princely on his forehead.

"Sit, my love." He motions his head, tilting it towards the spot in front of him. You're not sure why he's not sitting cross-legged, but you follow his lead and sit before him with a straight back.

"No, no. Closer." You inch forward. He extends his cheek out to you with closed eyes, waiting for his kiss. It comes as second nature to you, without a second thought, giggling quietly as you peck his face and he joins the laughter when he feels it. "Now, turn around."

How was this going to go?

You throw him a look, to which he nods his head rigidly. Turning your body before him, everything then becomes a soft and serene blur, laced with every drop of love you held for the other. His arms pull you snug against his front, chin hooking onto your shoulder.

He inhales and exhales deeply along with you, chest firm against your back, bodies moulding.

"That's it," he coos, hands pressing against your stomach, "breathe with me, feel everything..."

All you can do is what he says. The act is new but the feeling isn’t foreign; Obi-Wan’s arrays of intimacy are common, but this is different, the anticipation aloft and the touches silken. 

There's the sound of air passing in through his nose. His head further lolls onto you, your lungs filling shakily, the feeling sweet and kind. Your wrists, your neck, seemingly everything has a throbbing pulse. Obi-Wan doesn't miss your wavering breaths, deft fingers making quick work of soothing your muscles.

"So tense... it's only me, darling."

His words surround you. Melodic and steady, "Let go."

You do, floating and falling.

You sense everything - the tide of his breathing, his gentle humming, the way he keeps you tight against him like he couldn't go without; the clement whispers, feeling perfectly flush with the man who brings you nothing but pure, good feelings - like it's the only thing he knows how to do - even as he does everything else with poise and taste.

This is no exception. The sensuality is tangible - the unknowing Jedi who roam the hallway outside could have felt it, should have felt it, if not for Obi-Wan's ability to be subtle about making you weak and entirely his.

"Trust me." He brushes up the column of your throat, cautiously bringing your head back into the crook of his neck as he cranes his own to make space. He notes the fluffy feeling of your hair, arm crossing your body. You murmur, "I always trust you."

Stars, if he didn't love to hear it.

"Tell me what you see when you close your eyes."

In the blackness, there comes nothing.

"I see- I don't see anything. I only feel you..."

And what did he expect?

There wasn't anything to see when there was so much to feel. His tender hand on your throat and his legs hugging yours, you stood no chance at finding an image in your mind.

"Good," he presses his face to yours, "nice, isn't it?"

You sigh, completely enveloped in him - it's physical and emotional. Obi-Wan groans lightly at your sound, further burying his face into your curve, trying to grapple that this wouldn't last forever.

And inevitably, the falling continues. The fog of slumber starts to cloud your head by Obi-Wan's effect, that which leaves you too calm to stay awake in his arms. Fighting it isn't of any use; his soothing energy had always been a mystery, what with its pleasant gentleness that is unassailable against your consciousness.

But the moment is too sweet to lose.

He exhales an ahh of acknowledgement for your perseverance in staying awake.

"Obi, I'm not sure how this is helping you clear your mind-"

He supposes he hadn't been clear himself - learning your body under the expanse of his palms, through the matching time of your breathing, was a meditation in itself.

"But it has, my love."

It all starts over again. The lush sensations and the rush of your heart. Your senses dialed with his fingertips pressed on your wrists, finding the rhythm of your aliveness; the only thing he would hope to be sure of in the coming years that neither of you expected yet.

You both reach a point of euphoric tranquility - two words you'd use to describe his company - chests expanding and deflating at the same, slow rate. It had come to an end.

"You did wonderfully for me." A lasting kiss on your neck as he savours it. His lips send you into pleasant, sunny rapture.

The occurrence leaves you in a hazy state, all that comfort pressed against you is taken away as you both rise, sleepily, happily, and stumble into your bed.

"I don't want to wake you when I leave," Obi-Wan says, considerately and kind, propped up over you on his elbows, "I'll be careful."

"Don't be," and he melts, "I'd hate to miss you."

It’s the saccharine pieces of time that made him whole. Without another word, he kisses you; conveying the completeness that he feels by your hand, discreetly hungry but overshadowed by a chaste and giving nature. It's light and loving and drawn out long.

Then he falls grandly into the sheets beside you, arm heavily draping across your stomach, your lips missing his but you know he needs the sleep. And as the morning came, he was already gone. A vague memory of his departure floods your mind, playing over your closed eyelids - you can see it - the way he had kissed your temples, both lazily and warm, your arm semi-consciously reaching out to him, which his lips had touched too, held by both his hands.

What you hadn't seen, was Obi-Wan looming in the doorway, overseeing you drifting back to dreaming, cloak not keeping him nearly as warm as you did. He blew a kiss that you didn't catch, but knew that had you been awake, you'd have thrown it back to him.

He hopes Kamino will be a simple, touch and go engagement.

[kenmashoe]

haikyuu boys with a motherly, hot-tempered crush

headcanons including: akaashi keiji x fem! reader, sugawara koushi x fem! reader

request:  If it's not much trouble, may I request a "With a motherly, hot-tempered fem!crush" for Akaashi and Sugawara?? As in, she's very caring but gets mad when she's worried so she scolds people harshly often?? Feel free to message me if I was too vague, it's alright if you don't want to do it✨✨ [requested by user @sarkzjam​]

a/n: these took me a little, and by a little, I mean I watched every ‘akaashi moments’ video on youtube, but I am happy with the way they turned out and they were SO MUCH FUN to make! I personally like the akaashi one better, but we love sugawara just as much! <33

genre: fluff

AKAASHI KEIJI

- having been akaashi's neighbor and friend for years, you knew that although he didn't express his feelings openly, he had them somewhere DEEP DOWN in him

- you grew up with him and when he was little, he was a very small kid. being two months older than him, you always felt the need to protect him

- even now that he wasn't a little boy anymore, you still felt that need, it was an old habit of yours to just baby him. (he's just a bigger baby now)

- "cmon y/n. you don't have to wait every day till I finish practice to go home with me. we're not kids anymore." he'd often say to you, sounding drop dead serious, but the VERY little VERY rare smile playing on his lips betrayed him every time

- maybe he enjoyed you looking out for him?

- but we don't know how to express our feelings in the akaashi household so we pretend they don't exist????

- "akaashi!!! don't practice with a sweaty shirt, you'll catch a cold!"

- "akaashi!! drink some water! stay hydrated!!"

- "akaashi!! take a break!"

- "akaashi you idiot!! be careful you almost slipped and fell!"

- "akaashi—" that little smile again. his words were very few, but he didn't have to talk when the way he looked at you so softly, even when you were going beast mode on him, said it all. "stop smiling, I forgot what I was saying!!" you'd say all flustered.

- "y/n YOU SOUND LIKE HIS MOM!" bokuto would sometimes say, all riled up, the tiniest bit jealous about you bringing out akaashi's soft side. "why can she call you idiot, but I can't akaashi? that's not fair!!!" "because I say so."

- "akaashi let me see if you have a fever, you're all red!!!" akaashi loved looking at you up close, while you touched your hand against his forehead and he could swear his cheeks would have gone red, if he wasn't already flustered. but bokuto was always there to vandalize romantic moments. "CMON Y/N! HE'S JUST FLUSTERED FROM PLAYING! DON'T YOU FEEL BAD FOR ME?" he'd whine with a pout on his face. "LET HIM TOSS TO ME IF HE DOESN'T TOSS TO ME, HOW CAN I SHINE HUH?"

- bokuto still supported you though, he was YOUR NUMBER ONE SHIPPER but he missed being the center of akaashi's attention that's all

- "akaashi that ball was a little too harsh, is your wrist okay?" "alright I'll see myself out!" you heard bokuto's playfully dejected tone of voice fade, as you grabbed akaashi's hand. "i'm fine, y/n." but was he really? his heart started beating fast when your fingers traced his wrist and he couldn't stop looking at you while you looked at his hand. did you know what you were doing to him? did you know how his heart changed its rhythm whenever you were around? did you know, that the boy had already fallen for you?

SUGAWARA KOUSHI

- sugawara IS the mom friend so he doesn't like having another mom friend around

- but he also likes it?

- but it makes him stress out because he's used to spoiling people with love, care, advice and affection SO THE BABY DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO REACT when he's the one being spoiled?

- he enjoys it though, he just doesn't realize it

- being koushi's best friend, you were always with him when he wasn't practicing

- "suga, you're going to practice? did you eat your lunch?" he'd panic. "idk y/n did you eat yours???" "I asked first!!" "I asked second!" "suga!!" "y/n!!"

- he isn't the jealous type when it comes to his friends, but he gets jealous when you worry about other people. WAIT HE GETS JEALOUS?

- SIKE! guess he likes you more than just a friend!

- definitely the type to try and do things to worry you and later regret them BUT ITS TOO late so you end up getting worried and he ends up getting all flustered and red, avoiding looking you in the eye, probably pouting that mf cute pout of his!!

- "I'm gonna teach daichi a lesson for making you sad!! no one can make you sad!" you say whenever he's ranting about how daichi scolds him often for encouraging the younger ones to be chaotic. his heart melts a little. scratch that. HIS HEART MELTS A LOT

- everyone just ships you two and even though you both like the idea, you object to it because shy babies gang

-  you take his side and try to make the boys shut up when they tease him about you. he'll just smile, scratching the back of his neck. "y/n, i can take care of this myself! i'm older than you!" "i wanna take care of it for you though!" you say casually but that's all it takes suga to not be able to take it anymore! you're too cute it makes him want to scream lowkey

- forgets how to function when he's around you

- becomes as red as a tomato when you touch the random bruises he has from practices. tries to act cool, ends up saying incoherent stuff (cute baby)

- will definitely try to be the man after he's let you have your fun though. will try to take care of you as much as you take care of him.

- is very very extra super sweet!!!!

- will spoil you a lot and will tell you that he's alright as long as he has you by his side and that he appreciates you and what you do a lot.

- might as well confess idk

♡ requests are open!

[moonlightjeno]

the chemistry of water | l.j

𝕡𝕒𝕚𝕣𝕚𝕟𝕘 :: swimmer!jeno x reader

𝕨𝕔 :: 7k

𝕒/𝕟 :: this was inspired by @smoljh swimmer!jeno timestamp. which you can read here. this is literally just pure fluff. fluff, fluff, fluff with like a couple cups of angst because i’m whipped for jeno... so enjoy.  

masterlist 

water, like most chemical compounds, was made up of hydrogen bonds, these weak bonds that formed between the hydrogen atoms and the oxygen gave a sense of magic that even though weak when working together managed to create something beautiful, elegant, fluid and strong incapable of being crushed. 

Chemicals, and bonds were much like relationships. Formed slowly by a weak attempt to make conversation, the awkward silence that filled the library hall as you, well you both attempted to start a conversation on how the tutoring of chemistry would go. The first reach and attempt of a forming bond between the two people that are alway initiated by someone else, a push of pull in the right direction all to lead you to the collision that would alter one’s life track.

It’s been halfway through freshman year when your professor had asked, well more like demanded you tutor the university top swimmer. The idea of tutoring had always been fascinating to you, well not fascinating more like something that seemed to be out of your comfort zone, one that you’d promised yourself you’d finally leave once college started. That had been 4 months ago, and you remained inside that bubble, talking to your roommate and her friends at most. So when the idea of tutoring someone had been brought up to you, the initial push that would cause the collision of two very different particles to bind together, you agreed with a small smile. 

“y/n, you’d have to work with him at least three times a week if he wants to get his grades up. He’s a promising student, just has a lot on his plate” your professor told you, voice calm and direct at what you would have to do. You nod, happy to be able to help, that is until you ask who you’re supposed to tutor and your professors look at you with a smile, “lee jeno”.

You're almost sure, you can feel the bonds that kept you together on that long day of classes, the single cup of coffee in your system doing little to keep you up, as the name of the school's most popular boy leaves the old man’s lips. 

Well not the most popular boy, if you’re being honest, more like the boy that your roommate wouldn’t shut up about. The boy that everyone in your class, more like your whole year and the year above, seemed to be infatuated by because of his eye smile and dark hair. The boy who, in your opinion, managed to break the hydrogen bonds that held the water molecules together, as he swam beating record after record after record. 

Bonds. A new sort of bond would be formed between the infamous lee jeno and you as you texted him that afternoon, a simple “hey” that had taken you at least ten minutes to actually send. 

A day. It took a day for a response to come to your phone, which meant a day of you being slightly stressed about the boy you had texted out of the blue with no actual context. Though you had debated if you should have messaged him something along the lines of “it’s y/n, i was asked to tutor you” but by the time you’d had thought of actually texting him that, it had been hours since you’d first texted and decided that it would just be awkward if another message was sent hours later the first one. It was stressful, waiting for a random boy who you knew of, who you’d see pass you in the hallway, smile always bright as he waved to those around him. Tending to be accompanied by a boy who’s hair changed color like the year’s seasons. It was almost winter, and Jeno's best friend now had blue hair, and you wondered more often that not good looking people would automatically be attracted to each other, and stick together. 

The bell rings, a shrill in your ears, masking the silent vibrations of your phone as it buzzes. You don’t hear the noise of it’s vibration, paying attention to the shrieking noise of the bell while attempting to listen to your professors instructions on the lab work that would have to be completed by next week. The paper’s scattered around your desk, take a while to pick up and you’re almost sure you’re the last person to leave the room, the professor had rushed off to the next class once he’d finished with the instructions, and it’s not until you hear a buzzing noise again that you check your phone. 

“Hey?” is the first thing you read, the caller i.d. ‘Unknown’ because you had totally forgotten to label it as jeno, with the nerves of actually getting an answer. Unlocking your phone, you send the small question marks before realizing that it indeed was jeno, and introducing yourself. 

The messages were a mess, and though your professor had initiated the initial push towards the bonds that would be formed, the world couldn’t help it seemed to make you two struggle a little more. For bonds to form, they have to reach an activation energy, crashing with enough energy, in specific positions. Slowly were the particles of you and jeno beginning to move towards each other, if it hadn’t been for the stream of awkwards texts you sent a failed attempt to explain what was going on. 

You hear a faint chuckle from somewhere in the room and look up. It was weird to have someone still in the class after hours, the only reason you were still in class was because you couldn’t find your notebook, that had today’s notes and didn’t really have anyone to get the notes from. 

The phone in your hand vibrates again,  the little “jeno has laughed at your message” icon appearing on your phone, and you looked around again as the small giggle was heard. The room was huge, fitting around 200 students a lecture so the soft giggles, which you found adorable to say the least, could have been coming from anywhere that is until you spotted a dark head, back towards you, the hoodie the boy wore had “lee jeno” written on it, while varsity swim team wrapped around the bottom of the hoodie and if it weren’t for the desk that you leaned against you could have sworn that you might have just hidden underneath your chair. 

The sound that came from your phone, a small “ring ring ring” startled you making you hit yourself against the desk, a small curse leaving your lips which caused jeno to turn around a smile present as always on his face. And it feels too soon that he is right in front of you asking you something, but you can’t fully process it because ‘what does one do when they just awkwardly text another person only to have them right in front of you in the next five minutes?’ you really aren’t sure but think they should make a guide about it. 

There’s a quiet silence that settles around the two of you, and you decide that you might as well tell him about the tutoring but jeno decides that he should say something too as he was the one that walked towards you, ending up in the two of you talking at the same time. Heat fills your cheeks, and if you weren’t so busy looking at the floor or anything except the boy's face you would have seen the light pink that adorned his cheeks. 

“You first” jeno says, hsi voice is softer than you imagined it. Not that you had never heard him speak, you had on the rare occasion that you went to a swim meet in order to support your best friend and roommate who loved going, cheering on the team with all her might. But at the swim meets, the jeno you’d seen was loud, almost center of attention but not quiet, loud but not overwhelming, but with an energy that was contagious to everyone else. The boy that stood before you seemed to be shy, and awkward and you could feel yourself relax just a little. 

“Oh… okay” the words come out small, and you force yourself to look up at the boy, who’s smile is more enchanting than before “well, I have to tutor you, for chem?”. Jeno nods, hair falling slightly in front of his eyes, but it doesn't seem to bother him as he waits for you to continue, “so we should meet up sometime this week, and what exactly are you struggling with, so I could look over that” 

Jeno’s is left slightly in awe, by the way you offer him help, your voice is soothing he thinks, and the way you bite your lip from nerves he finds to be endearing. He was used to girls chasing him, one way or the other, not leaving him much space to say what he wanted. Though if he listened to Jaemin, he should just enjoy the supposed ‘fame’ he had, but it just wasn’t his thing. Jeno could see you checking the time on your phone, a little past 4, and his brain panicked. 

“Shit” the boy muttered, and now you were really confused, “shit? No, oh i need help with this?” you asked him, baffled at the boy’s reaction, and the boy looked at his phone. 

“Oh no, sorry I didn’t mean it towards you. It’s just that we have a swim team meeting, and it started 5 minutes ago, and if I’m late to another one I might get kicked out” jeno says in a rush, it seems he can’t get out of the room fast enough, as he turns around and you follow him, determined to at least get some date or time that the two of you could meet up. 

“Wait! We still need to figure out a time schedule?” you questions makes the dark haired boy stop for a split second, his brows slightly furrowed, eyes closed as he takes a deep breath, “I’ll text you, I really am sorry y/n, but I have to go” and with that he’s rushing off to the athletics department, leaving you slightly baffled and for some reason with a fluttering feeling in your stomach. Texting, that’s what I’m gonna have to depend this whole thing on. You sigh, walking towards your dorm ready to sit down on your bed, and work on the chemistry project, while playing music in the background. 

 It is said that molecules are attracted to each other, polar opposites, where non-polar molecules will collide with polar molecules in order to form in perfect harmony a compound that will be of use and wonder to the world around us. Those bonds might be the key to relationships, or maybe it’s just the technological black box that people hold in their hands waiting for a sign. 

much to your surprise jeno, did text you a couple hours after the two of you had bumped into each other. The message was brief, a string of “im sorry, again” which you couldn’t help but slightly smile at the boy’s shyness, and another of “can we meet up tomorrow, right after classes are over by the library?”. The last message is what had you now waiting, by the library doors, chemistry notebook in hand as you waited for the black haired boy to appear. 

It’s been five minutes, and there is still no sight of the boy that promised you he’d be at the library and you can feel the fluttering excitement leave. Futters of wings no longer flapping rapidly, but they have seemed to fall asleep. Deciding that you might as well continue on your project, you sit down, pen in hand as you're about to look over the redox equation on balancing carbon dioxide with water in order to form acidic rain. Music is lightly playing through your headphones, the constant tunes a soothing background noise, as the project expands, you're about to flip the paper when you feel a drop of cold water on your shoulder. Checking the time, your phone reads 4:15, it’s been fifteen minutes, and he still hasn’t shown up, he could have texted, you think bitterly. 

Drip, drip, drip. The water droplets land on you again, and this time you swivel around in your chair, almost causing whiplash, before being met with dark eyes, that could convey everything and nothing at all. It takes you a second to register before you breathe out “you’re late” to which he only smiles, the sides of his eyes disappearing appearing to be crescent moons. 

“Yeah” he breathes, sitting down next you as he tries to regain his composure, for a second, a very brief one, you want to push back his slightly wet hair and not be annoyed but seconds only last seconds and in the next moment your scowling again, waiting for an explanation as you furrow your brows.

“Well? What happened? I mean, I don't mind you being late, as long as you tell me why that is.”

“Ummm… yeah about that, i really am sorry. Especially because i’m the one that needs help, and i should have told you but coach doesn’t let us use our phones in practice, which i mean makes sense right because water and technology don’t exactly mix well… and i’m rambling” his face is tainted with pink, as the boy looks down, playing with the ends of the papers to his notebook, and you can’t help but smile at him. It was kind of cute, not that you’d ever tell him that. “But either way, I’m here and if you need to leave early that’s totally cool too, i mean i don’t expect you to stay longer than we said, but if you can stay that’d be nice to because i really have no idea what the hell is going on in class, and i'm trying”

“Jeno” you say his name, and it’s almost a whisper, but he doesn’t look up, too busy folding and unfolding the papers that are beneath his hands, so you try again this time a little louder and stronger “jeno”. He looks up, the faintest hint of a smile on his lips, and you smile at him, “it’s okay, i’m not mad about it” a laugh escapes your lips as the boy’s mouth slightly falters, “now” you prepare the worksheets you’d prepared based off the material he had texted you he needed help with, “let’s get started with these redox equations”

The following hours are a constant of you talking about how redox reactions occur, when one of the compounds gives an electron only for the other compounds to gain electrons. A series of giving and taking, as bonds are formed to create a harmony between the compounds and elements to form a balanced equation. 

For the most part jeno is quiet, trying to understand and digest the information you give him, and the more he asks you questions about how come water can be both amphoteric and amphiprotic the more the both of you relax and begin to enjoy each other's company. You aren’t quite sure when, but all too soon do you hear the librarian telling you two, the last living inhabitants in the library that library hours are closed. It wasn’t that the two of you were doing chemistry anymore,  that had ended a couple of hours ago, when neither you nor jeno deemed to be in the mood to continue with school work. Jeno nodded as the librarian told you it was time to leave, while you told her to give the two of you a couple of more minutes in order to pack up. The lady that tended to scold everyone in the library, or at least she’d always scold you for bringing in your loud roommate and spending more time with your textbooks than actual beings, simply smiled at the two of you nodded, a “close when you’re done” was heard as she walked away. 

“You really have never swam before?” jeno asks you again, for what seems to be the tenth million time, and you nod your head. 

“It’s not that i’ve never been in water, i just have never you know swam laps around a pool,” you can feel heat rush to your face and look away, fiddling with your pen that, and jeno grabs your hand, which you are confused by that is until he pulls you up. 

“It’s settled” he says, a dork-like smile plastered across his face, which varies differently from your confused one, “im teaching you how to swim”. The noise you make is a mix between a sigh and an ugh, but you let yourself be dragged out of the library. 

“It’s not that I don't know how to swim” you protest, jeno’s hand still resting on your wrist. 

“But have you swam at our pool?” the question is teasing and a smile begins to grow, at the banter the two of you are having, shaking your head. 

“I’m taking you to the pool, and i’m going to teach you how to swim” the smile that spreads across jeno’s face is impossible to say no to. Eyes gleaming with joy, and hope, the hand on your wrist closing in a little, and as he’s about to drag you to the swimming pool, which you’re almost sure is closed at this hour you stop. 

“As much as I would love to go swimming at 10 at night, we have classes tomorrow” the tone is your voice isn’t as strong as you wanted it to be, because spending more time with the dork in front of you would honestly help with the stress that was college but the stress would only amount if you didn’t complete the assignments you had due tomorrow. 

Jeno turns to face you, the smile replaced by a pout, as he tries to convince you that it would be fun, but you wouldn’t budge. Well you were about to change your mind as say fuck it to the papers you had due tomorrow, until your phone almost at 0% buzzed, and you saw the lost calls and messages that flooded your phone. Though they mostly consisted of your roommate yelling at you asking where you are and then changing to her telling you she was going out for the night, to your parents asking how the exams had gone. 

Buzz. buzz. Buzz. it was almost as if you couldn’t shake the feeling of the plastic box in your hand, reminders of everything you had to, wanted to achieve. Jeno waited patiently for your reply, eyes soft, the pout slowly turning into a smile. 

Your phone buzzes again, and dies out. I guess that means something. You turn towards jeno, phone shoved in your back pocket, “fuck it” you smile, “let’s go swimming”

“Fuck yes” is what you hear before the two of you are rushing towards the athletic department.

Flickering. The bonds between two people, flicker as they try to work their way toward each other. In which one movement, one decision or thought might push them farther apart or closer together. 

The sign in front of you reads CLOSED but Jeno doesn’t seem to mind it as he grabs keys from his pocket, and opens the door holding it open for you as you pass into the pool, a look of confusion flickers through your face, and jeno smiles. 

“Captain privileges. I get the keys, because I close up most nights either way” he says, and though it’s almost pitch black he walks without hesitation knowing exactly where the light switch is. The lights inside the room flicker, the bright white that comes from the led lights blinds your eyes slightly before they adjust. And you are left in awe at the university's pool. 

It’s not that you’d never been to the pool, but everytime you did go, it had always been filled with too many yelling bodies that would raise up and chant the school’s name over and over again. The room always felt too hot, too sticky as your clothes clung to your body from the humidity created by the pool water. What was supposed to be an olympic sized pool, would feel like a kiddy pool when meets would occur, from the packed beings that were there to watch the races, to the teams that would come to race, always felt like too much. So when the lights flickered on, creating a small halo on jeno’s black hair, you were in awe at the size and beauty of the pool’s structure. 

The glass windows that aligned one of the pools walls, gace view to the twinkle stars that would dim in and out every second. Spots that were reflected on the pool, that you were almost sure stretched for miles, but was promised by jeno it was just a regular 50 meter pool. The two of you walked closer to the edge of the pool, shoes discarded by the entrance as you dipped your feet into the water, the cold feeling of water on skin shocked you for a second before the sensation became a more soothing feeling. It seemed impossible to wipe the smile that grew more as you looked around the swimming pool, the silver bleachers that tended to be stretched out onto the marble floor were put away, creating an illusion of a much larger floor than there really was. 

In all the time that you looked around, awe and fascination written over your face as you looked around the swimming pool, Jeno wondered if you’d never seen the pool, but then realized he had. Not often but he would see your face, every once in a while, a sign with the school's name as you cheered for the swim team, your roommate next to you. It was a shame, he thought that you had never seen the pool how he saw it. At night when no one could nag him about how his arms should be more stretched out, and his hands shouldn’t be as tense but be shaped into a more cupped form so that he cut off some time of his 200 IM. It was moments like this, where he could just admire the water, and see other people fall in love with the water that he remembered why he loved to swim so much, and it helped that you looked cute with your feet only slightly in the water, mouth slightly agape as you took in everything around you. 

Splash. And droplets of water are all over you, making pieces of your shirt stick to your skin. The water beneath you ripples and before you can take your feet off, you can feel a tug by your hand, breaking the trail of thoughts as you look down. The action happens too fast, but one moment you’re sitting by the edge of the pool, and the next you’re underwater. Cold water settles around you, the initial shock of water against your warm skin wearing off as you pull yourself up, breaking the surface of the pool. The curse is on the tip of your tongue, but your eyes can’t seem to find the boy who pulled you in. Turning from one side to the other, twisting a frail attempt you guess to find jeno, who has dived deep into the bottom of the pool. 

It’s been a minute, and you're about to leave the pool slightly in panic until you feel arms wrapped around your waist, pulling you against a warm body. Laughter fills your ears, as jeno spins you around, pulling you both to the shallow area. You can feel your body heat up, cheeks overly warm by the feeling of jeno’s arms around you. 

“What the fuck?” you whisper yell, as you turn around to find the black haired boy, whose hair is almost long enough to fall in front of his eyes, laugh. His eyes, turning into beautiful small moons, that make your heart slightly flip, the cold shock of water no longer there. 

“What’s wrong?” he asks, his voice is slightly puzzled but joyous, and he can’t seem to stop himself from looking at your smile, your eyes, the way that even though your tone suggests your mad at him he finds you adorable. No, she’s not adorable. She’s just a girl, a girl that is really smart and doesn’t throw herself at you. No, no, no. 

“Earth to jeno !” you snap your fingers in front of him, and it seems to do the trick as his eyes seem to focus back on you, a small “huh” escapes his lips and you can’t help but laugh, as you splash water towards him. The smile on his face, springs back up, drops of water adorning his nose, and eyes as gravity pulls them back to their resting place, in the midst of other bonds between hydrogen and oxygen. 

The way you tilt your head to the side, eyes gleaming with delight as jeno laughs, splashing water towards you, the start of a small water fight between a swimmer and chemistry lover. 

Chemical bonds work in mysterious ways. A collision between one particle and another has to be precise, exact and the particles must be able to fit each other, and shaping itself to make the other a suitable compound. Bonds that form between compounds can become radiant, strong and vibrant but dangerous to those around it. Hydrogen and oxygen when bonded together, though different slowly build each other up. The splash of water against one’s skin, the way a drop fall’s down slowly on the other’s eye. Successions of bonds that form with each other, creating a picture of carefree ness. Or at least that’s what it seems to be at the beginning. 

 Winter rolls around and the study sessions continue. They become a routine, a part of your day that much as you hate to admit, is the favorite part of your day. Meeting with Jeno in the midst of the library, books and notes of scribbled drawings and letters filling up at least one table, as jeno listens to you ramble about chemistry. In return, for tutoring Jeno always brings you hot chocolate, a drink that never fails to bring you comfort especially when the wind is picking up speed and the first flakes of snow drift towards the ground. 

You can’t exactly recall how many times you tell the raven haired boy that payment isn’t necessary, that you truly are just tutoring in order to help him, but the boy refuses. He loves to see the way you wrap your hands around the mug, as you relax from the burdensome day you’ve had. 

The swim meets that you used to, though not detest, not love either begin to be more frequent in your life. Louds cheers and shrieks fill the pool deck, as the school's swimmers race against the opposing team. Chlorine fills your nose, humidity makes your skin sticky and heavy but you are part of the screaming students that yell and cheer for the school's team. The poster you created in the spare time between homework and lectures, has “go jeno '' written on it, and even though you two don’t talk after the meets jeno smiles everytime he sees you in the crowd cheering for the team and him. His smile as his best friend describes it, is that of a lovestruck one, which Jeno refuses to acknowledge or believe, because there was no way he could be in love with you. The two of you were friends. Friends that laughed together, and talked about anything that was on your minds late into the night, and would have late night swims after hours when the pool was closed down. 

Jaemin knows the power love has on people, and he’s sure that jeno is in love with the girl who’s been tutoring him since the beginning of the year. He knew, because jeno’s face would light up everytime he saw you in the bleachers. He knew like the rest of his friend group knew, that he would mention you in conversations when something they were talking about would remind him of you. Jaeming knew the bond that had formed between the two of you was something he thought jeno wouldn’t be able to have, but managed to get from you. The only thing Jaemin wished, was for his best friend to realize the luck he had gotten from meeting you. 

It’s spring and you’re almost sure at this point that Jeno doesn’t need any more tutoring, as he comes into the cafe you decided to meet up, the smile that seems to brighten your day no matter how windy and rainy it is outside. Jeno almost runs to you, the paper in his hand flailing slightly behind him, as he tells you how he’s passed. Proudly does he show you the graded exam paper on organic chemistry, the perfectly drawn bonds to each other, earning him the highest grade in the class. You can’t help but jump up from your seat, the chocolate on your mug almost tipping over as you wrap your arms around jeno, congratulating him over and over again. 

Jeno’s smile widens, as he wraps his arms around you, lightly you slightly off the ground until you are slightly dizzy and are asking him to bring you down. The joy from your face never leaves, as the words of congratulations and happiness left your mouth. It’s only when your smile falters slightly, that jeno’s does too, the giddiness and butterflies he continues to refuse to acknowledge leaving as you sit down again. 

“So…” 

“So…” jeno mocks, trying to lighten the mood just lightly, and he manages to make the ends of you lips curve up slightly. 

“So, i guess you don’t need my help anymore” the words leave your mouth like lead, heavy on your tongue, as you look down at your hot chocolate willing the coming dread to go away. 

“Well, no, I still need help” the look you give him makes him move slightly his back hitting the back of the chair, “okay… maybe i don’t need help on how bonds form and break, but…” Jeno fumbles over his words, nit really sure what he wants to say. That he wants to keep seeing you? That he honestly had stopped needing tutoring sessions a while ago, but he kept asking for them because he loves spending time with you. Loved to see you smile and his dumb jokes, as your eyes would light up with vague amusement, lips curling upwards as your laugh drifted through the library. Wanted to tell you that he had never felt this way for someone else, had never let them see the vulnerable side of him, his insecurities as the two of you held onto each other lightly through a link between your hands as you floated in the school's pool. 

“But… i guess this is goodbye” you can feel the word, slip through your tongue, the world goodbye piercing through your heart, bricks dropping on you. You’re not quite sure why you say goodbye, why you want to hug the boy in front of you, and kiss him and hold him and tell him how much you love him. But oh shit that’s exactly why you’re pushing him away. Why as much as your heart aches, to hold onto the good memories scared of the ones that could leave the bonds to break between you two. 

Jeno can almost swear he can feel his heart drop down to his stomach. The words that escape your lips, as you play with the sizzling hot beverage in front of you, not daring to look up at him. His throat feels clogged, and he wants to yell, scream, hold you for reasons he can’t quite understand, and finally tell you what jaemin has been telling him this whole time. How very much head over heels for you he is, the bonds clicking into place every time he’s held your hand, as he taught you how to swim lightly in the pool. 

The black haired boy, whose eyes are usually warm and open, are now dark. The brown almost becomes dark enough to blend with the pupils, as he takes a breath. 

“Um… yeah i guess it’s goodbye” the words drop heavy between the two of you. Gazes not met, and hearts left cold as Jeno gets up, the paper he’d been so happy and excited to tell you about forgotten as it drifts towards the floor. Falling quietly and softly, wrinkled between the hands of jeno as he hugged you what seems to be hours ago. 

Hydrogen bonds break the easiest. The strength between the two oxygen and the single hydrogen can only take so much pressure between them before something tips it off scale, breaking the bond. A relationship that has been built, slowly, through awkwards laughs, and shared notes. A bond, built on chaotic swims at 12 o’clock at night when neither of you could sleep, and just wanted to spend more time with each other. 

Relationships,  you are almost sure at this point work much like chemical bonds. Yet unlike chemistry, the bond that you had built with jeno, doesn’t warn you of the heartache and void you feel when you don’t get the weird jokes the boy sends you everyday, it doesn’t tell you of the loss of heat that would come from the steaming cup of chocolate always there for you wherever you had a bad day. Chemistry doesn't warn you about the way your heart craves the missing piece that you pushed away, thinking it would hurt more when the day would come that he didn’t want you anymore. Lectures and notes on notes about covalent bonds, don’t want you how jeno made you feel, as his black hair tickled your neck when he rested his head on your shoulder when he didn’t want to study anymore, or the way he snuggled closer to you as you played with his hair. 

Bonds. Weak and strong, beautiful and dangerous, destructive and hopeful. 

The next month passes in a blur of lectures and night spent overworking yourself into the essays and labs given to you by professors. All-nighters became more frequent than normal sleep nights, to the point where your roommate would have to force you to go to sleep, even as she came in late at night smelling slightly of booze or cigarettes from the campus party. 

It wasn’t a secret that you had tutored the top boy at your college to anyone. Most if not all students that desperately wanted to grab at any gossip that might be thrown their ways, would snatch up the news of the school's swimmer and top bachelor as fast as they could. Whispers of a relationship that never happened, and would only happen in your dreams, could be heard at almost every lecture. Murmurs that would make you walk straighter, chin held high at the comments of a story they didn’t truly know. 

Buzz. buzz. Metal and plastic vibrates against your desks, shaking the scatter of papers that are clumped around your workspace. You flip it around, only to see crescent moons, and a mop of black hair on your phone, as jeno’s phone number flashes in and out of the screen. Instinctively, you reach for the phone, hand ready to push the “answer” button and it’s too late when you realize that you’ve answered the phone, and a silence of crackling noises is heard from the opposite end. Silence seems to fill the room, the air you breathe and you're about to hang up until you hear the bickering between two boys. A stream of curses flow from what you can almost swear is jeno’s mouth, as the other boy speaks into the microphone, “is this y/n” 

“Uh… yeah, and you are?” the second part of your sentence, your almost sure goes unheard as the squeal that comes from the boy’s mouth. The next words that you hear seem to be all mushed up together, as the boy who you have come to assume is jaemin tells you something along the lines of “go. pool. tomorrow. Jeno” before something that sounds like it hurts, is heard from the line and it goes silent. If you were confused about jeno before, you can’t help but wonder now if this is a push towards the bonds to be repaired. 

“y/n !!” disrupts your confused train of thought as your roommate barges into your room, the smirk that is plastered on her face would have made you slightly concerned if it were for her normal happy go personality, that never fails to give you energy. 

“Let me tell you the story of you and a boy named jeno” as the words leave her lips, you start your protests, not wanting to hear about the boy who had become your best friend in the year that you tutored him. 

“Girl, shut up and listen to me” she snaps, almost pinning you down on your chair, and so she does tell you. Tell’s you things that you already know, like the fact that you’re almost sure jeno’s smile could heal anything on this planet, or how he’s shy and sweet, always wanting to be enough for the team. She tells you about the month that has passed, where though you didn’t wallow, jeno had begun to slightly let his grades slip. A small attempt to get you as a tutor yet again. The plan hadn’t worked and he’d gotten renjun ashis tutor instead. 

Stories she shares with you, stories about jeno that you knew, but had pushed away because everytime his name would be brought up your cheeks would flush slightly, and your smile would brighten even just a little bit, butterflies swarming in your stomach. 

Best friends. The sharing between two people, that trust and count on each other. The bond formed between the two is different than that formed between lovers, or siblings. But like everything regarding the formation and breaking of something, these bonds can change into something more. Something that lights up your world if you let, and break down your walls. 

The pool’s doors were open by the time you reached the athletic department. You had thought you’d seen everything, the pool had to offer after your late night swims with jeno. But you’d never seen the full moon at its peak, the light reflected upon the shimmering water. 

Small ripples caused the moon's reflection to waver slightly, a cause of the dipping of your feet into the water, testing the temperature, before you felt a light tap on your shoulder. You could feel the shiver that runs down your back, as jeno’s hands make contact with your skin. The ghost of a smile begins to present itself on your face, as you turn around to find yourself with jeno, whose face is a reflection of yours. Cheeks dusted with a red tint, eyes almost becoming the moon phase that you’d first seen in the pool. 

“hey”

“hey”  

“you first” jeno says, his eyes are warm and are slightly reflected by the moon. The small laugh that escapes your lips, makes his smile broaden, as you turn around and stretch your hand towards jeno. It takes only a second, before you can feel jeno’s hand wrapped around yours, the light calluses on his palms from playing guitar every so often, that warmth a comfort. The ghost of a smile has fully bloomed on your face, as you tug jeno towards you before jumping into the pool. 

Time seems to slow down, the second you two break the surface of water. You know time and movements feel slower when you’re underwater, the smell of chlorine and burning sensation makes your eyes water only slightly. But the bubbles that rise to the surface as you look at jeno, laughing at the ridiculousness of everything that’s happened between you two. 

The faltering bonds begin to form again, stronger than before. Bonds that can't be broken as easily and are ready to create compounds filled with a variation of emotions that work together. The way that you hold onto each other, hand in hand as you break the surface, time coming back at normal speed, as jeno pulls you towards him. Hands still intertwined, as the other holds your waist, a tender touch. The way you look at each other, is enough for the words that have yet to be said and have not been exchanged. 

Smiles exchanged, hands held, foreheads almost touching under the moonlight. It seems to be magic, the way the light bounces off the water and reflects upon the two of you, lovesick smiles placed on both your faces. The warmth of each other, a comforting presence that surrounds the two of you as you take a break, and breathe the words you’ve been dying to say since the day, jeno walked into a late tutoring session, hair dripping wet from a late practice. His words a rush of sorrys and cute shy glances as he gives you a mug, with the words “chemistry of water” written around it. The way his smile made you heart flutter, and just one look would make your day.

 “I love you”

The words hang in the air, said at the same time by jeno and you, and the both of you erupt into laughter, as jeno pulls you closer the, head buried in your shoulder as the strands tickle your neck, the words “i love you” being repeated over and over again.

The way you two fit into each other, in the midst of night, water lapping at your sides, as you laugh at a joke one or the other says, you realize that chemistry and relationships truly are the same. If all it takes is a small push, to help a boy with too much to do, and a student who can’t help but want to expand their knowledge. The bonds between two people change and strengthen, the more they interact with each other. It’s the things like laughing at each other's jokes, or holding onto each other late into the night, when no one else is judging no one can disrupt the bonds formed between them. In those moments, the bonds are strengthened, as you hold each other close, stars and moon aligned in the night sky lighting up the pool, leaving the world at peace.

[anna-justice]

Lost or Found - 6

Summary: As Jay, Hailey, Kim, Adam and Kevin start their junior year in the wake of a tragic summer, the past year of their lives comes back to haunt them. If you enjoyed Pretty Little Liars, this is for you! *UPSTEAD/BURZEK High School AU

...

6 - Born to Die

...

“You can’t be serious Hailey.” Jay said as they pulled out of the school parking lot. Hailey had booked it to the truck after her sudden realization and was still very shaken up.

She turned to face him. “I am! Jay, I’ve heard that voice in my nightmares. It has to be him. He’s connected to all of this somehow.” Hailey sat back in her seat and pressed her hand lightly to her neck, remembering the night she was attacked.

“I’ve known Severide for years, his dad’s a firefighter. He’s a great guy. There is no way he is wrapped up in all this.” Jay couldn’t wrap his head around any of it.

“I know what I heard, he attacked me that night.” Hailey said confidently. 

Jay sighed, “This isn’t the first thing you’ve been sure of this week.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“The whole Nadia thing,” Jay explained, “You were so sure that it was her, we saw her today when the texts were sent. It couldn’t be. You’re grasping for anything to explain this Hailey.”

Hailey was sure there was steam coming out of her ears. “That’s not fair.” Jay kept quiet this time. “Last time I checked, you asked for my help and we are trying to solve your girlfriend's case. Don’t get mad at me because I’m looking at facts.” 

Jay wasn’t sure what to say. She was right, she didn’t have any sort of emotional connection to anyone. She was purely objective. “I know, I’m sorry. It’s just, Erin and Kelly were really good friends. I couldn’t imagine him hurting her.”

“I didn’t say he hurt her, I’m saying that he hurt me.” Hailey’s words struck hard. It almost felt like a switch flipped inside of him. He hurt Hailey. Jay hadn’t realized how attached to her he had gotten, she had been his rock the past few weeks. And something else felt new as well: the phrase “girlfriend” didn’t sit well with him anymore. She had been gone almost four months now, she hadn’t really been his girlfriend in a long time. It wasn’t like he was happy either, he was thinking about ending things and kissing Hailey that night was the final straw. He wanted to kiss someone else, he enjoyed kissing someone else. He was going to break up with her that night, and he didn’t get the chance. So now, he’s still playing the role of the heartbroken boy with the missing girlfriend and even Hailey believed it.

His eyes landed on her again at the next red light, her eyes were watery, her gaze fixed on her lap. “And he’s not going to again.” He reached over the center console and placed a comforting hand on hers. He earned a small smile in return. 

Hailey wanted to be mad a little longer, but she couldn’t be. As much as she loved her friends, and Chicago, she didn’t grow up there like the rest of them. She didn’t know many people outside of her tight knit circle, accusing Nadia or Kelly was easy for her in a way. The rest of them had to handle the betrayal along with the fear. 

The pair opted to go to her house, and Hailey ignored the feeling in her stomach as they stepped over the threshold. She had become accustomed to Jay being around, it wasn’t strange for them to end up at each other’s houses or just riding around town with milkshakes. They spent a lot of time together and she could feel herself starting to get attached, which was a hard no in her book. 

Throwing their backpacks down by the door they made their way to the kitchen, where Jay helped himself to the box of donuts on her counter. Her aunt had bought them to celebrate the first day of school, but they were using them to mourn the summer. 

“So why doesn’t Greg hang out with us?” Hailey asked, breaking the silence. 

Jay wiped the chocolate frosting from his face before responding. “He’s homeschooled, his dad’s in the military so they move around a lot, but they keep an apartment here. He’s pretty shy, he used too, but he and Erin didn’t really get along.”

Hailey noticed the sad look on his face, “You should bring him around more often. He seems cool.”

“I don’t want to bring him into all of this.” Jay said, only half lying. He knew that he had helped with the text, but he drew the line there. Not only that, but Greg and Jay had known each other for a long time, they knew exactly how screwed up each other were, and they were both happy to keep things just between them. 

Hailey nodded and handed him another donut, which he gladly accepted, eating his feelings seemed like a great solution for the time being.

…

Kim sat on Adam’s bed, scrolling through instagram while Adam talked to his mom on the phone. They were at his dad’s house and his mom wasn’t very happy about it. It hurt Kim to watch Adam struggle through his parents divorce, it was only finalized a few months ago and he wasn’t doing very well with splitting time. 

They spent most of their time at his dad’s when they weren’t at her house, her parents adored him and Adam liked the weekly family dinners and the sense of stability that came with them. His mom wasn’t a big fan of Kim, she saw her as another person that was in the way of her getting all of his attention. Not that Adam was fond of giving her any, her substance abuse was quickly eating away at their relationship. 

Adam through his phone on the bed next to Kim, causing her to look up at him. He was obviously stressed and she took it as an invitation to wrap her arms around him. He gladly accepted the embrace, placing his chin on the top of her head. After a few minutes, Kim looked up at him. “You okay?”

“I am now.” He smirked, hugging her a bit tighter. 

Kim pulled away, leaving her hands on his elbows. “I’m being serious. Are you okay?”

Adam groaned and pulled her down next to him on his bed. “I guess, I’m just fed up with my mom starting fights.” Kim took his hand in hers, brushing her thumb over the back of it. “And my dad is choosing to ignore her, so I have to play damage control.” 

“I’m so sorry.” 

He gave her a weak smile. “I know we all have way bigger problems right now, but I’m so sick of it all. I’m their kid, this isn’t my job.”

“Hey,” Kim said, pacing her hand on his jaw. “Don’t do that, we can’t focus on that all the time or we’ll go crazy. Plus, what are we gonna do? You are allowed to be upset, no matter what else is going on.”

“You’re amazing, you know that?”

Kim smirked, “I’ve been told a few times.” She squealed as Adam grabbed her by the waist and pulled her towards him, placing his lips on hers. She responded immediately, her hand finding the nape of his neck while his stayed on her waist. Somewhere in the middle, she ended up on her back on the bed with Adam hovering over her. She pulled him closer to her, which caused him to lose his balance and fall slightly top of her. They collapsed in a fit of laughter, Adam rolling over to lay on his back beside her. 

He looked over at her, a huge grin on his face. “This may be a little fast but,” his hand found hers, “I love you, Kim.” 

Kim was frozen for a second. She thought that she had imagined him saying it like she had a million times before. “Is this real?” She asked, rolling on her side to face him.

“It better be.” Adam joked, chuckling nervously. This was what he was afraid of, that she didn’t feel the same way. He was shocked when she jumped him, kissing him with more intensity than ever before.

“I love you too.” She said grinning, and suddenly Adam was on top of her all over again.

…

Kevin was sitting with some of the guys from the team at a local diner, they decided to go grab burgers after practice. They were laughing, joking, having a great time, well, everyone but Kevin.

He was worried about Vinessa, his little sister, constantly. Everyone else that was being threatened had at least a shot at defending themselves, she was just a kid. He had always been over protective of her, and his brother, Jordan. He was almost ten years older than him, Vinessa being only three. His mom was a single mom, working two jobs to keep their house, his dad left right after he was born and Jordan and Vinessa’s bolted before her first birthday. So Kevin was the closest thing to a father figure that they had. 

“Dude, did you see Decotis today? Damn that girl got hot.” One of his teammates asked.

The running back, Connor, grimaced. “I don’t know man, did you hear what Halstead said?” He asked. “I”m staying away, I wouldn’t put it past Sampson to sleep with a student. What do you think Kev?” Kevin wasn’t paying any attention, he was mindlessly staring down his drink. “Kev?”

He snaps his head up, having no idea what they were asking him. “Uh, I don’t know.” 

“Were you even paying attention?” Connor asks, laughing.

Kevin shakes his head, the rest of the group not noticing the lack of enthusiasm he was giving off. He wasn’t sure what he was going to do to protect his siblings, but he did know that in order to get to them, they would have to go through him. 

…

Hailey woke up the next morning feeling surprisingly well rested. School was giving her a sense of normalcy that she had lost in the past few weeks. She showered and got ready quickly, bounding down the stairs ready to tackle the day.

Thankfully, she wouldn’t have to sit next to Severide in class today and she was sure that between her and Jay, she could find a way to avoid him. 

When she entered the kitchen, she found her aunt and uncle sitting at their usual spot at the table, but Randall was looking a little more disheveled than usual after shift. She leaned against the island, “Everything okay?”

“Hailey.” Trudy said, just then noticing her presence. 

Randall looked up with a sad look in his eyes. “Come sit down kiddo.” 

Hailey sat down hesitantly. “What’s going on? Is Jay okay? Kim, Adam? Kevin?” She began to panic, ignoring the fact that the first person to come to her mind was a certain Halstead. 

“Yes.” Trudy said, placing a hand over Hailey’s shaky one. “They are all fine. Randall…” She dragged off, nodding to her husband.

Randall turned his whole body towards his niece. “Last night, around Midnight, we responded to a residential fire on Wabash. It was an old abandoned house, one of the last ones on the street. The basement was full of paper materials and electronics like computers, so with an accelerant it went up fast and burned hot.” He took a breath, “It’s already been turned over to fire investigation for arson, but, I wanted you to know that we pulled a body from the fire.”

Hailey knew what house he was talking about, she and Jay had been there just last week, but she played dumb. “I don’t understand, what does that have to do with me?” 

“Hailey, they think it’s Erin.”

…

A/N: I know that the family dynamics are a little different than they are on the show, but I had to alter them a bit to fit this storyline! Thanks for reading!

[thetypedwriter]

Loveboat, Taipei Book Review

Loveboat, Taipei Book Review by Abigail Hing Wen 

This book is solid. The few people I’ve foisted conversation onto about this book have heard me lavishly declare it to be the YA teenie-bop version of Crazy Rich Asians. 

And while I maintain that my statement above is still true, the book also contained some other elements that either came across as a breath of fresh air or a polluted cloud of toxicity that made me cough and wheeze. 

As for the general synopsis, it’s pretty simple all things considered. You have Ever Wong, a senior who is stressed about college applications, her own future potential, disappointing her parents, and ignoring the unrequited love she has for her best friend’s boyfriend. She also happens to be Chinese-American. 

Ever’s identity as growing up Asian in the predominantly white-as-bread state of Ohio is kicked off quite strongly from the get-go. Ever talks about how the said pining of her best friend’s boyfriend could have not been pining and instead could have been her, but that he was unwilling to put up with her crazy Asian parents and their strict limitations. 

She talks about how her dad, a revered surgeon in Taipei, has been relegated to pushing medical carts in hospitals in the States for the last twenty years as they wouldn’t recognize his medical degree. 

She discusses how she and the only other Aisan kid in her class have an unspoken rule of not looking at each other or calling attention to one another as to not emphasize their Asianness. 

As you can probably tell without having me list off a litany of other examples, this book heavily concentrates on race, identity, family, and self-control. 

At the beginning of the novel, Ever is a shy, timid girl whose willing to give up her dreams of dancing because it’s what's expected of her after all her parents have sacrificed to raise her in America. 

But then her mother sells her black pearl necklace to send Ever to Chien Tan, an immersion program in Taipei where thousands of Asian-American kids are sent for the summer, for the purpose of learning the culture, language, and other specialized skills like Chinese medicine, calligraphy, ribbon dancing and stick fighting. 

Ever is reluctant at first, desperate to stay back and find a way to keep dancing, but as her mother literally throws her leotard in the dumpster, Ever knows it’s a losing battle. 

So she goes. And she is amazingly transformed. 

The rest of the book details Ever’s excursions with finding friends and love, immersing herself in the culture that Taipei has to offer, coming to terms with her own identity and race, growing up, making mistakes, hitting a low point, and then getting back up again to achieve her dreams and fight for what she believes in. 

Now, the highlight of this book is definitely the representation, the talk of race and culture, and the actual experiences of Chien Tan, more commonly referred to by the kids who attend as Loveboat, drawn from the author Abigail Hing Wen herself. 

Loveboat, as they call it, is an actual program that the author Wen and others attended and still attend. It’s obvious just from reading how much of Ever’s experience is drawn from the author’s herself and that IS ALWAYS AN AMAZING THING. 

One of the first pieces of writing advice I Ever (hahahha sorry, not sorry) received was to write what you know. Wen does this and knocks it out of the park. Loveboat comes alive with her writing, flowing from page to page seamlessly. 

She crafts it with such care and consideration that you feel like you’re there yourself, down to what the dorms look like with sticking doors, what they serve for breakfast, and the electives offered for academic selections. All of these little details brought such life and realism to the story and it made it an incredibly engaging read. 

Add on Wen’s real talk of race, racism, identity, and the struggle for identity, and you indeed have a delectable concoction of raw representation from a person of color who has experienced these things first-hand. 

Authors of color and representation in YA of characters of color have improved drastically in the last few years, but it’s still something to be expanded upon, drawn from, and encouraged and explored. 

Wen’s story is almost entirely made of Asian teenagers of differing backgrounds and experiences, and it was honestly so nice to not read about another white girl from a white girl. The story was real and filled with culture and struggle, but also beauty, friendship, and acceptance. 

All of these things hark back to why I call this book solid. 

Now onto why I don’t call this book great. 

I legitimately would have preferred if this book focused more on Ever’s identity as Ai-Mei, her struggle between wanting to be a dancer and not crushing her parents’ soul by rejecting the medical career they so want her to be in, and immersing herself in all the wonderful sights, smells, and experiences Taipei had to offer.

 Of course, love and friendship and drama should play a role, this is YA after all, but personally I felt like the romance dominated the book almost entirely, shoving the questions of race and identity and struggle to the backdrop of a pretty redundant love triangle. 

Which. We’re over the love triangle people, stop writing them. 

But really, I understand that the two don’t need to be mutually exclusive, and oftentimes, Ever’s struggle with her race and identity went hand-in-hand with her struggles for romance, but there was JUST. SO. MUCH. OF. IT.  

It was like an episode of the Bachelor if the Bachelor would stop casting white people as their main lead. Every other chapter was a pretty cliched rendition of some kind of romance trope: the bad boy that draws, the arrogant boy that predictably has a heart, but also a girlfriend, the so-called girlfriend flying out to Taipei, the evil stuck-up girl, literal running into chests moments, shirtless of course, and so many more to offer. 

For an author doing incredible things on the front of representation and real talk about stereotypes, racism, and prejudice, I found her book pretty stereotypical of a YA romance itself. 

There were several plot points that were also just incredibly predictable (the nude photos, my god, saw that from a mile away) that made reading this book just a little bit lackluster when I otherwise was really enjoying it. 

Unfortunately, the biggest turn-off this book had for me other than the recycled plot and the ridiculous, predictable, rampant love triangle were the characters themselves. They all kind of...sucked. 

They aren’t awful, by any stretch of the imagination, but they’re also not special either. Other than the fact that they’re Chinese, Chinese-American, or identify as another minority, and the implicit struggles and nuances that come with it, they were like any other archetypal character that I tend to dislike. 

By that I mean that many of the characters I found extremely one-dimensional. 

Each character had about two things about them that defined their whole characters. 

Now, not to blind you with my nerdiness, but other than books, I also am quite the connoisseur of anime. This book, in a lot of ways, comes across as a printed form of anime to me. 

There is a term in anime called Isekai which roughly translates to “accidental travel” and is saturated with shows all about people falling into magical worlds unpredictably. 

Additionally (stay with me here), anime is also quite infamous for having very archetypal characters where one or two traits dominate their whole being so completely as that is the only thing about them that comes across. 

Loveboat, Taipei in my eyes, is literally a print form of an Isekai. Which is not a compliment.

I really wanted to like Ever, Sophie, Rick, and Xavier, the predominant characters along with a whole cast of others. But I kind of...didn’t. Frankly, there wasn’t much to like or know about them. 

Ever’s character was dominated by her love for dancing and her determination to break from her parent’s protective shell, Sophie was a bossy bitch, Rick was Wonder Boy incarnate, Xavier was brooding and artistic-see where I’m going here?

Even the side characters were all identified by one thing-Marc with politics, Matteo with anger, Benji with being baby-faced. I understand that this is one novel and that it’s extremely hard to flesh out characters and unfold nuances and depth, but I personally found Loveboat, Taipei to be lacking in this quality, exceptionally so. 

Ever especially I found irritating. On some levels, I understand that Wen was trying to depict her as a flawed character who makes mistakes and learns from them, trying to represent the growth of her character and blooming into herself, but more often than not, I found her selfish, immature, and aggravating. 

When you add on that Rick is head-over-heels in love with her (as is Xavier) for reasons that don’t really make sense or are legitimately earned in the story, then the romance feels forced and falls apart, hence me wishing Wen focused more on other elements rather than romance. 

This plot contrivance, everyone, is what I lovingly call Bella Swan Syndrome-when a hot guy or vice versa falls in love with someone who legitimately doesn’t deserve it or the love is inorganic or just flat out doesn’t make sense. 

Wen attempted the whole hate-to-love thing, which I love, but also which I genuinely think failed here due to the romance being subpar and undeserved. 

Combine my lack of any real attachment to any character with the trite that was the romance, but mix it in with the praises above of realism and representation and you end at solid. 

Recommendation: If you are sick of the white people, I hear you. If you’ve been looking for books heavily centered on POC characters or written by authors of color, then I’m with you there as well. This book is a great novel for discussions of race and identity and for those Crazy Rich Asians fans out there. However, do not expect this to be the pinnacle of romance, story, or characterization, which unfortunately, falls below average on this one. 

Score: 6/10

[agemnor]

Thank you so much for tagging me @haoranghae haoranghae you’re an angel!

20 questions tag

1. what do you prefer to be called name wise?

My name is Morgane so you can call me that if you want, my friends also call me Morgani ^^ But like if you want to give me a nickname go for it, I live for that shit.

2. when is your birthday?

June 16th!

3. where do you live

France

4. three things u are doing right now?

listening to Turn back time, thinking about learning a new language (but I don’t know which one yet), and stressing about getting my exam results.

5. four fandoms that have piqued your interest right now?

I’m been listening to some Everglow and The boyz’s songs so I would like to know more about them. I’ve been really into Hands up by Cherry Bullet and Scream by Dreamcatcher, I need to stan more gg so yeah I think I’m really gonna look into them (especially Dreamcatcher, from what I see, their concept looks really boom.).

6. how’s this pandemic been treating you?

I realised how much I really loved being able to live alone and to just live my life instead of having to line with my family.It was a real hell living with my two brothers, I cannot stand them. I miss my friends too :(. However I’m glad that I had the chance to be safe and that no one that I knew got sick.

7. a song u cant stop listening to right now?

Like I said Scream by Dreamcatcher! But also Sleepsong by Bastille, I really love their songs and honestly All this bad blood was really the album that got me through those past few months.

8. recommend a movie

I just realised how long it has been since I’ve watched a movie lol. Most of the times I need to do something while doing it so I’m lost in the plot and stop watching it. But I would recommend Anna Karerina, I really love this movie, and basically any Barbie movie, you can never go wrong with them.

9. how old are u?

18 but like 19 in our days.

10. school, university, occupation, other?

I’m in my first year of University (I’m doing a Letter (?? Is this how it’s called in english) major). I’m also searching for a summer job, please pray for me.

11. do u prefer heat or cold?

Cold! Listen being hot is just so inconvenient like there are so many layers of clothes that you can take off, it’s harder to breathe because there is like no air and there are flies everytime you eat. When you’re cold you put on a sweatshirt, you cuddle and it’s okay!

12. name one fact others may not know about u

I had to think a lot about this one, I’m not that interesting ^^ But I really like sewing! Especially making plushies! (I’m not really good at it yet but it’s something that I’m really interested in.).

13. are u shy?

It’s not that I’m shy, it’s that I hate being the center of attention and I’m always afraid to bother everyone so it’s rare that I’m the person to take the first step.

14. do u have preferred pronouns?

she/they

15. biggest pet peeve?

When people don’t clean up after themselves!! Especially when you just organised everything!! I also hate when people talk for others, like no you don’t live in their brain, you don’t know what they think, they can talk and say what they want to say.

16. what is your favorite ‘dere’ type?

I had to look it up lol. Deredere and Kuudere I think

17. rate your life 1-10, 1 being rlly crappy and 10 being the best it could ever be

6? I don’t know, this quarantine really put me in a weird place where I lost interest for anything and I don’t know where I am in my life but at the same time I’m content? idk. But I started to think about projects that I wanna do this summer, to become more motivated so we’ll see ^^

18. what’s your main blog?

I only have one so it’s this one!

19. list your side blogs and what they’re used for?

I used to have one when I first started and tried to gif, but I think I only posted two gifsets on there before deleting it.

20. is there anything u think people need to know about u before becoming friends with u?

(oof I’m the same about the responding thing) I don’t know, I think that at first I seem very closed but it’s just because I don’t know you and I’m afraid of saying/doing something wrong, but once you know me I’m very loyal.

Thank you once again for tagging me Jill! I was fun! 

I tag @17dad @supermariohrothers @01fly @pja2jae @yixing-zhang @whenxoxosmilesunshines @axizzles @dxzzlinglight @je0nghans @electrofat  but only if you want to oc ^^

[calling-the-angels]

Tagged by my long-lost-and-found mutal @merthurlocked 💛💛

🍓 what do you prefer to be called name wise?

I have had many many nicknames, but Katie is the one I usually tell people to go with. I’ve been called Kath, Kate, Kay, Red (red hair) and many more.

🍓 when is your birthday?

April 15th! wish it was the Ides of March, cause you know how funny that would be?

🍓 where do you live?

Minnesota, which is in the Midwest region of the US. It’s a pretty dope state.

🍓 Three things you are doing right now?

1) updating my tumblr queue because i started a bad habit of adding things as a draft instead of finishing my tags and queueing it up. 2) adding some more to my “planned” 15-chapter Witcher/Marvel AU. 3) watching the birds at my bird feeder go through ANOTHER 40 lb bag of seed in a week and a half, there are so many finches my goodness... BONUS) stressing about my job cause the next few days just got very very busy... i’m here to procrastinate and also calm down

🍓 four f*ndoms that have piqued your interest right now?

Witcher is holding almost all my attention right now, but I’m still reading Marvel fics and following that content. I thought about jumping back into Destiel recently, but I haven’t seen Supernatural since, jeez, season 11 maybe? Whatever that pirate show is also has me curious, cause i mean... pirates!

🍓 how is the pandemic treating you?

not solid my dudes, not solid at all. but hey, I started therapy for the first time ever so that is something?

🍓 song you can’t stop listening right now?

Boy in the Bubble by Alex Benjamin, it’s got a cool beat and style to it

🍓 recommend a movie.

Night at the Museum, i love that whole series so much

🍓 how old are you?

22 years old, and i’ll probably be here til i’m old and gray now!

🍓 school, university, occupation, other?

i was gonna say recently graduated, but i graduated in december and that... isn’t recent?? man, this year is kicking my ass... i work at a local TV broadcast news station as an assignment editor!

🍓 do you prefer hot or cold?

cold cold COLD. me and heat do not mix, partially cause i hate being sweaty and also because my hair hates humidity. my favorite season is winter, so...

🍓 name one fact others may not know about you.

i really dislike seafood. i live in the center of the US, we have no sea near us, that food is NOT fresh

🍓 are you shy?

hell no! i’m actually pretty loud, it’s a problem... although the situation kind of dictates how friendly i’ll be?

🍓 what are your pronouns?

She/her

🍓 any pet peeves?

i mean yeah a few, but the one i always go with is when people say “i could care less” when they mean that they don’t care at all... like, you are saying that you care at least a little bit because you could care less, do you understa--

🍓 what’s your favorite “dere” type?

i have no idea what this is, but found this chart? i guess the deredere?? I haven’t watched anime since 8th grade, but I liked Fairytail and Ouran High School Host Club back then

🍓 rate your life 1-10. 1 being really crappy and 10 being the best you could ever be.

because i refuse to be negative, I’d say about a 6. Could be better but I’m not starving or homeless or ostracized from my family or friends or anything. I’ve got a job, etc.

🍓 what’s your main blog?

this one. saved this url for far too long to give it up

🍓 list your side blogs and what they are used for.

i have a sideblog from a college assignment to post for 15 weeks on an environmental topic, but i don’t use that anymore. otherwise i don’t really have sideblogs? they confuse me.

🍓 is there anything you think people need to know about you before becoming friends with you?

i tend to think the best of people easily, and i’m not afraid to call people out when they do shady stuff?? idk some people don’t like that, i’ve found. i think i’m pretty naive when it comes to some parts of life so *shrug*

i am tagging: @aegir-emblem @swords-n-spindles

[tawakkull]

Spirituality in islam: Talbis (Self-Concealment)

Talbis (self-concealment) means that the perfected servants of God who attribute to God whatever good or virtues that they may have, try to be known as ordinary people by constantly keeping secret the special blessings and extraordinary attainments with which the Eternally Generous One favors them, and the blessed times when they come. But such an attitude is by no means false pretence or deception. It is usually felt during the tides between seeing everything annihilated in God and distinguishing the Existence of the Truly Existent One and the relative existence of others. Those who are seeking self-concealment are in constant pursuit of sincerity and frequently question themselves to ensure that they are really preserving their devotion and loyalty to God. They do their best to keep God’s special favors to them that come in different forms as sacred secrets between themselves and their Bestower, out of respect for Him, and they consider whatever comes from Him as a secret gift. Whatever good or blessing has been attributed to them, they always draw attention back to the Almighty and, if there is not anything to make them absolutely obliged to display their blessings, then they will always try to find ways to conceal such, as in the allusions of the Prophet Abraham, who said, I am sick (37:89) when he was invited to the religious festival of his people, implying that he was sick of idolworship, and, Rather, he did it; that is their chief (21:63), when he was asked whether he had smashed the idols. They shy away from becoming a person who is sought after in the same way as others shy away from snakes and other vermin.

Perfected persons of self-concealment are extremely careful not to display any inward riches and spiritual profundity. Even if they should sometimes feel they are really profound in spirituality, they try to persuade themselves of their essential insignificance. However, in trying to impress on others that they do not have any extraordinary virtues, they avoid causing Islam to be criticized for being a religion that brings dishonor and ignominy to its followers. Without saying or doing anything to suggest that they have been specially favored by God, they are always deeply devoted and loyal to Him. They regard attributing to themselves whatever good or spiritual attainment that others may discern in them as usurpation. Even if at times they are in the center of the Divine favors, they always act with good manners and modesty, saying to themselves: “You are neither the source nor the owner of these favors. These gifts which sometimes appear to you and then disappear can in no wise belong to you. As you can clearly see that it is not you who has brought them about, nor is it you who takes them away, you must see that you cannot own them. Your position with respect to them is that you are essentially a dark mirror; therefore you must attribute these gifts to the Eternally Generous One and draw attention to Him.” When they have been deprived of such favors and blessings that were abundant, they think: “You must conceal the Divine secrets and His treatment of you. You must be able to do so in order that His transactions with you may continue, and so that these gifts, which are beyond your capacity, may not lead you to gradually perish because you think that you own them.” Such people appear quite ordinary among people; they are extremely careful to keep their inner world pure and they are very sincere in their exclusive devotion to God, ensuring that they do this so as not to attract anyone’s attention.

Heroes of self-concealment follow a secure way to verification and always pursue God’s approval and good pleasure. They never think of others’ approval or appreciation and they expect nothing from others. They try to make their feelings and devotion deeper and to rise higher and higher without stopping; they are in a state of continuous self-supervision. They always control themselves so that they can be with God even while mixing with other people. They try to direct others to the way of the light, which is the way of knowledge and love of God and a source of spiritual pleasures, although those pleasures should not be sought. They show the way to Paradise to those who linger at the crossroads between Paradise and Hell, and they try to inculcate lofty ideals in the hearts of those who are living aimlessly. They can establish good relations with all, be they from any segment of society, without any difficulty or ceremony.

Heroes of self-concealment are always in self-negation and self-denial and try to attract the attention to the Almighty in everything they do. But some scholars, like Harawi and Ibn Qayyim, went to extremes in evaluating this virtue; the former asserted that it is the Almighty, not the servant, Who conceals His servant from others, while the latter denied this state altogether. For this reason, I would like to remind the reader once more that self-concealment denotes that travelers to the Truth, who have attained spiritual purity by carefully performing their obligatory religious duties, have become deeper in their attachment to supererogatory acts of worship in order to be favored with God’s company and have become polished mirrors reflecting His manifestations of Majesty and Grace. The All-Generous One becomes the eyes and ears of His servants who have reached this point; they see and hear with Him, and He never leaves them to suffer loneliness and helplessness without anyone to claim them. By means of the criteria which He inspires in them so that they view life, things and events appropriately, He causes them to reach the best results in both this world and the hereafter. He causes them to see things that others cannot see and to hear things that others cannot hear, and he employs them to carry out His will in the human realm and to convey to people the things which He is pleased with and the things He wills others to do. The Qur'anic statements, When you threw, it was not you who threw, but God who threw (8:17), and Those who swear allegiance to you (O Muhammad), swear allegiance only to God. God’s Hand (of aid) is over their hands (48:10), refer to this point, in that those who have reached this rank are absolutely convinced of Divine Unity, but sometimes they see everything annihilated in God and sometimes they are able to distinguish the absolute (Divine) Existence and the relative existence (of other beings) from each other. Although the rank indicated by the verses belongs primarily to the Prophets, who are the purest of all and incomparably superior in self-concealment, as in all other virtues, other heroes of self-concealment have a share in it. However, the self-concealment experienced by travelers on the way to God is concerned with and should be attributed to the Divine Attributes, not the Divine Being, and the unchangeable rules of Shari'a determine its limits and nature. The throwing and hitting, seeing and speaking, and exalting by participating in allegiance, which are mentioned in the verses just cited, signify that the Truth manifests His Attributes of Majesty and Perfection, not His Divine Being, on the chosen, matchless being, upon him be peace and blessings.

This consideration is expressed in the following words of Jalal al-Din al-Rumi, although they also suggest to some extent annihilation in God and subsistence with Him:

Noah said: O people leading rebellion to God, I am not myself;

I am dead with respect to my soul, but alive to the Beloved One.

I died and was annihilated with respect to some senses of Adam, the father of humanity,

And the Truth has become (a means of) hearing, seeing and perceiving for me.

From the very beginning, the people of truth have stressed that existence arises from self-annihilation and that the assertion of self-existence ends in annihilation. The best and most appropriate approach in this respect is that travelers to the Truth annihilate themselves with respect to their carnal selves and ego and that they find a new life in spirit and heart.

Our Lord, do not let our hearts swerve after You have guided us, and bestow upon us mercy from Your Presence. Surely You, only You, are the (Munificent) Bestower. Let God’s blessings be upon our master Muhammad and upon his family and Companions to the fullness of the earth and heavens.

[bewareofchris]

Public Relations 3/??

PG-13 atm | Alec Hardy/Dr. Bill Masters | Broadchurch, Masters of Sex | Strong language, eventual sexual situations

“The fact that Alec Hardy was not currently, had not ever, and did not want to date the American sex research did not seem very important at all to the town of Broadchurch.  They did what they had always done with a little bit of juicy gossip: they made a spectacle of it.”

<< prev

There had to have been a certain amount of culture shock.  Bill had expected it to be minimal, if for no other reason than because he had expected that all of them would be speaking English.  (And to be honest, he’d watched enough of BBC programming he thought it wouldn’t even be that difficult to figure out what words were unfamiliar to him.)  

Then there was the young lady in the coffee shop that had been pleasant and polite and indifferent to him.  It was the sort of attitude you got from anywhere that dealt with a great influx of tourists.  But her face changed, and her smile brightened into something that seemed just shy of feral when she took his credit card from him.  “William Masters,” she said, “I bet your friends call you Bill.”

“Some do,” he said.  That was, if he had any friends left when he made it back from his exile.  His wife had called him Bill, and Virginia had called him Bill and Betty called him Dr. Masters as a matter of politeness during business hours.  But Betty had called him Bill as she shoved him out the door.  He stood on his side of the counter, with his hands still gripped around his wallet.

Dawn (her name tag said) stood on the other, holding his card with her fingertips, taking stock of him.  She was sliding her eyes over him in a way that, removed from the strangeness of the situation and the obvious age difference, would have read as sexual.  It was intense, and focused, and it was definitely sizing him up for something.

“Is there something wrong with the card?” he asked.  

“Oh,” seemed like an afterthought, as if the notion of running the card had completely escaped her mind.  “No.  It’s fine.”  She ran it through without incident and handed it back across the counter with a smile.  “I hope you enjoy your time in Broadchurch Mr. Masters.”

“Doctor Masters,” he said.  “Should I wait here?”

“No at the end of the counter,” she said.

Bill stood at the end, feeling a bit like a sideshow spectacle.  Dawn had slid into the space next to the barista and the pair of them were standing by the sink with the water running.  It was loud enough to drown out their whispers but it did absolutely nothing to cancel out the sideways glances they kept shooting over at him.  If it had been home, where he was notorious for sex research (or just being a pervert depending on your system of morals) he wouldn’t have thought much of it.  He tried not to get too involved in the judgments of others as long those judgments weren’t being spit into his face. 

You just couldn’t tell people what to think.

But here.  He hadn’t expected it here.  He hadn’t expected to be recognized as anyone worthy of note here.  By the time the coffee was poured, and the muffin was bagged, Bill wasn’t even sure he wanted them.  His stomach was a knot of indignation.  He was just short of telling the pair of them that you couldn’t run a business while gossiping about your customers no matter who you thought they were.

But the barista slid the cup across the counter and said, “I’m really sorry about that.  We’ve just had a tragedy and I think the whole town just needs something a bit lighthearted you know?  I think we just want to be distracted.  Please give us another chance and we’ll be on our best behavior.”  There was genuine sincerity in her voice, and an echo of the words, that bone-deep need to escape the stress of days past.

(Bill had always turned to liquor and liquor had always failed him, but old habits and whatnot.)  

“Of course,” he said.

“Sorry,” Dawn said, “enjoy your stay.”

“Thank you,” he said again.  He took his coffee and his muffin.  Out on the street, he was left feeling oddly out of place.  As if he had become the center of attention.  It was a strange feeling on a lazy mid-morning street.  There was hardly anyone out to even glance in his direction and no reason to think that anyone cared.  But he couldn’t shake the sensation regardless.  There were eyes, somewhere, staring right at him.

Still, he couldn’t go home and he didn’t want to go back to the hotel.  So he took his coffee and his muffin and he went left just to keep from standing still.

--

Hardy’s head was pounding before noon.  It had become an almost unbearable fist of pain by the early afternoon.  He had reached his limit for nonsense and incompetence long-long-long before Miller pulled him into a coffee shop to grab a cup.  (Not that he was interested in coffee, or something to eat, or being in public or anything but a dark place where he could be still for a moment.)  His aching body felt like he was dragging it across hard rocks and no matter how hard he tried to be pleasant, he found himself glaring at anything that came too near to him.

“Oh!” the girl behind the counter said, “I saw him.”  It was the tone of gossip.  Of course it was, the town thrived on gossip.  It was more essential to the whole lot of them than the law, or the weather or--or food.  It was gossip that got them up in the morning.  “He didn’t at all like I thought he would.”

“Shh,” Miller said with a calming hand and a sideways head tilt toward Hardy that seemed to indicate this particular gossip wasn’t fit for manly ears.  (Or his ears, specifically, but it could have gone either way.)

“Oh, of course.  Very American though,” she said with a wink.

Miller stood at the end of the counter, taking up space and wasting their time while the barista behind the counter went about making whatever awful concoction had been ordered.  The smell of the place was making Hardy want to vomit.  (Well, that was unfair he had started developing the want to vomit regardless of circumstance lately.)  “You sure you didn’t want a cup of tea?  You’ve got a pinch,” she motioned at his face.  “And what’s this, you’re all,” her shoulders hunched forward, her body shifted to resemble some sort of monster stance as her hands hooked into claws.

Hardy did not have the energy to concern himself with deciphering what she was saying.  “What’s the town gossip now?” he asked, “what am I not supposed to hear?”

“I don’t know what you mean,” Miller said with too much enthusiasm.  It was a denial too strong to be believed.  Her drink arrived with convenient speed and Hardy was able to glare at the barista just to see how she’d react.  The girl did look every so slightly ashamed but she didn’t blurt out any confessions.  

“Miller,” he said when they were outside again.  “I don’t have time for gossip, I don’t have time for clandestine whispering.  If there’s something going on and it’s got anything to do with me or this case or you, I need to know about it.  We can’t afford anything to distract from the investigation--”

“Oh you can’t?” Miller repeated, “funny you saying that now.  You can’t afford anything from distracting us from the investigation, can you?  Is that what you think my family is?  A distraction?  Should I call up my boys?  Should I phone my husband, tell him I can’t come home?  Tell him I’m sorry but he’s a distraction.  That’s just like you, sir.  You’re allowed whatever distractions you’d like.  I bet you don’t even call them distractions when you’re off travelling with your friend.  I bet Bill isn’t a distraction, but I’m not allowed any.”

“Bill?” Hardy repeated, “for the last time Miller, drop it.  There’s nothing.  It’s not some--”

And just there, between his headache and the soreness of his body, nestled into the curve of the bruises under is clothes, was the realization.  There it was, the unwanted answer.  The woman at the till had said I saw him and she had said Very American.  And there was only one person in recent events, that shouldn’t be spoken about in front of Hardy, that was American, and would create a sensation in this gossipy little hellhole.  “Miller,” he growled.

“You can’t blame me,” Miller said.  “You’re lucky they didn’t print it in the paper, grouchy, thin Detective Inspector has a friend.”

What could Hardy do?  Caught between a quick lie and the truth that needed to be hidden.  He had things to do that didn’t involve nosy doctors that would take him off the job.  He had things to do that couldn’t wait another moment.  His heart was a failing, fragile thing in his chest.  He wasn’t going to die before he finished this.  “That’s great,” he snapped, “I’m sure he enjoys being a spectacle.  Did you tell them to have the decency to leave him alone?  Did you tell them to do their best not to embarrass themselves and the whole town?  I’m allowed to have friends, or aren’t I?”

Miller didn’t look offended.  She didn’t look remotely worried about his grouchiness.  (Not that she usually did, but at least, with some things his venomous words made some kind of impact.  This time she was just watching him with a smile twitching at the corner of her lips, like he was confirming an idea of hers.)  “I’ll tell them,” she promised, “should I go in now?”

“Leave it,” Hardy said.

And her smile was an insult following him back to the car.

next >>

[the-arcana-randomness]

Get to know my Arcana OC

Hey everyone, I wanna introduce my OC for the Arcana. Sadly I won’t be posting a drawing of her since I don’t know how to draw lol 

Pronouns: She/her

Name: Reina

This is a name that is really dear to my heart, a name I used for a lot of the female characters I came up with when I was little. Everything always lead me back to that name. Also, from it’s spanish origin it has the meaning of “QUEEN”, which is fitting for Lucio and it fits into the storyline I came up with for her

Birthname (from her past life): Eden 

This name is also very dear to me. In times I tried to step away from Reina, I always came to Eden. Somehow those two were separate, but remained connected throughout my life, just like MC lives a new separate life from their past, but the past is still a part of them. In that similar way Eden is connected to Reina. Also, this name has a meaning that represents my MC’s role in the story of her past life perfectly - according to the Bible: The garden of God and the first home of Adam and Eve was called “The Garden of Eden”, and Eden in itself means a delightful place, a paradise, as well as a state of innocence, bliss or ultimate happiness. 

Zodiac/character: Aries 

I, myself, am an Aries, that is the first reason I chose this sign for her. The second reason is that I think her character is very much “aries” - fun, free-spirited and fiercely independant - aries woman are a breath of fresh air, so to say. Their element is fire (hello Lucio) and one article described it as “igniting all that she touches with a living spark of life” - which I feel is fitting for MC from the Arcana. Aries are also descried as: creative, energetic, passionate and at times domineering and short-tempered, great at getting things done, initiating endeavors, infusing their enthusiasm into everything they do. “Aries is the sign of the cosmic child, the fresh green sprout, the prodigal bright youth; they often call it like it is; a sense of playfulness and an appreciation for absurdity can make aries the life of the party, and a joy to have as a companion. They’re not afraid to be silly, and aren’t shy about being the center of attention” - these quotes from an article about astrology depict the character of my OC perfectly, and these words are expressed in the storyline I made for her. 

Physical appearance: 

Reina has long, light-brown hair, which is put into a braid most of the time or is let down and parted mostly to the left side, while as Eden she had long, silky, bleach-blond/white-ish hair which was mostly down and parted in the middle or put in a messy bun. 

She has green eyes and a light to medium skintone. 

Her height is 170 cm / 5′7 and she her body type is hourglass and her weight is average - 65 kg / 143 lbs - not skinny, not chubby. 

She loves to keep her nails long and take care of them a lot. 

Tattoos: As Eden she had the Arcana mark that the main three have on the back of both her fists. 

Familiar:  

A buckskin dun (that is a coat color) horse named Hono, which in Maori means connected, united. 

Love interest: 

Count Lucio (duh) 

*speed round* 

Favorite food: Watermelon 

Favorite drink(s): Alcoholic - Vodka, Non-alcoholic - Lemonade 

Favorite color: Purple 

Favorite flower: Gerbera daisy -  The Celts believed that the gerbera would lessen the sorrows and stresses of everyday life. They symbolize  happiness and gratefulness for the life you have been given. 

I think this is where I’ll stop for now (mainly because I can’t think of any more topics to adress - if you have any, write them to me). I really hope you all enjoyed it and that you like her. I put a lot of effort into this post lol 

Also I invite everyone who liked this to write the same points for their own OC’s by reblogging this or if you make a separate post be sure to tag me, I want to read them all! 

I love you all. <3 

[allthingsmachinegunkelly]

Imagine #9

You’re asleep next to Kells. You’re on your stomach and the sheets are tangled between your legs. The sun is shining between the curtains. Kells shifts towards you as he wakes up. He runs his hand across your back and down to your butt. Your eyes flutter open at his touch. You turn over so that you are facing him. With his hand still on your butt, he quickly pulls your waist close to his.

“Morning,” he smiles at you as he kisses you lightly.

“Good morning”, you smile through kisses as you push your hips into his. 

“How was last night?” He asks you as he pulls his lips from yours. 

“Mm it was good,” you reply as he squeezes your ass cheeks. “How was losing?” you laugh. 

“I didn’t lose anything.” he replies as he laughs into your neck. 

“So you’re not going to take me shopping?” you whine jokingly. 

“I will. We can go today. I’ll buy you whatever you want.” he assures you. “Hmm?” he pushes his body onto yours. You can feel his hard boner on your naked hips. 

You slide out from under him and pull the sheet with you to cover your body. “Let’s go then,” you say as you grab some clothes from your bag. 

Kells looks disappointed that you got up, but he rolls out of bed too and heads to the bathroom for a shower. 

“Are the guys going to come with?” you ask him as you step into the stream of water behind him. 

“Nah, there’s no way they’re up right now.” he replies as he runs his hands through his wet hair with soap. 

You both finish your shower and step out. Before you wrap your towel around your body, he smacks your ass. A smile washes over your face and he kisses your cheek. You both stand in front of the mirror and get ready to go out. You decide to look somewhat cute as you are about to go into some high end stores. You pull on some ripped skinny jeans that hug your curves and a navy blue body suit that has a low cut v-neckline. You pull on a nude pair of heels that lace up just above your ankles. You do your makeup and blow dry your hair. You decide to put some loose curls in to finish your look. You step out of the bathroom to see that Kells is looking dope as usual. He’s wearing bleached ripped skinny jeans and a simple white t-shirt with a leather jacket that hangs open. He’s also wearing black biker boots. He always looks so put together next to you since you go for more comfy clothes. 

You’re both ready to go. You catch an Uber and head to a few stores that are on the same block. Even though you’re the one shopping, you both step out of the car, your hand in his, and he leads you into a Louboutin  store. He knows you love shoes, but you don’t think he realizes just how much. The workers welcome you and get you both bottles of water. Kells wanders to the men’s shoes section. You tug at his hand and pull him up to the second floor to the women’s shoes. 

You quickly start pointing out all of the shoes that you like, asking for them in your size. Kells is sitting on an ottoman in the center of the room watching you pick out more and more. You’ve spent about two hours trying on pairs of shoes. They are all piled and scattered across the ground as the workers run back and forth from the backroom to you. To the right of you, there is a pile of stacked shoe boxes. There are about fifteen pairs of heels. You see Kells getting nervous as this is only the first store you’ve been to. 

“You said whatever I want right?” you ask him sweetly. “That was the deal.”

Kells just shakes his head yes as he rubs his chin. 

“I think I’m done.” you say as you look around at all the shoes on the ground. 

Kells stands up and points to the big pile of shoes, “Package these up and we’ll be at the desk.” he seemed eager to leave. 

As he makes his way around the corner, you whisper to one of the workers that you only wanted one pair. The classic black studded heels that were sitting on your left. The worker nods with a smile as she grabs the box and heads to the back room. You meet Kells at the desk and you wait a few minutes. The lady that helped you gets your and Kells’ attention. He makes his way over to the counter and she lifts a single bag onto the counter and reads out the total. 

Kells looks confused, “we had more than that, she had that whole pile of shoes.” 

“No i didn’t,” you interrupt, “these are the only ones I wanted.” You smiled at him. 

“You serious?” He asks surprised as he hands over his card. “You could get whatever you wanted.” 

“No I’m not going to do that to you.” You laugh as you grab the bag and he takes his card back. 

“Why not, I should spoil you,” he says as he puts his arms around your waist and walks you out the doors, “like you spoil me” he says as he grabs your ass. You laugh and push away from him playfully as you walk down the block. “Where do you want to go now? I think Balenciaga and Chanel are down here.” 

“Umm I actually don’t want to shop anymore.” 

Kells stops walking so you stop next to him, “what? that was the deal, I buy you whatever you want.” 

“Yeah and all I wanted was a pair of Louboutins,” you smile, “maybe you haven’t noticed, but I don’t own a pair... until now. That’s all I wanted. I just wanted to make you think I was going to get every shoe they had to make you nervous,” you laugh. 

“I would’ve bought them all for you.” He begins to walk again. 

“I never would’ve let you.” You say sweetly. 

“But maybe I wanted to,” he grabs your hand. “Tell me where you want to go.” 

You look to him, “you can buy me lunch, that counts right?”

He laughs as he replies, “Okay, I guess, what do you want.”

“hmm... sushi,” you smile as you squeeze his hand. 

“Alright let’s go,” he says as he pulls his phone out to get an Uber. 

After your lunch date, you walk hand in hand, out of the restaurant. You changed into your new Louboutins in the Uber and you love them. You love even more that Kells is always grabbing for your hand when you’re walking next to each other. He’s not being shy about being affectionate with you either. He pecks you on the lips ever so often. 

It’s been a few days since you two went shopping. He’s been in and out of the studio. You guys flew home yesterday and Kells has been focused on the new album he’s coming out with. 

You came to visit him at the studio to bring him and the guys some coffee. You hung around on the couch to chill for a while. You’re scrolling through your phone and you see a news story about Kells so you open it. 

“Oh my god,” you stand up, “Kells,” you holler to him. He’s sitting in the recording booth. You realize he can’t hear you so you push the microphone button,”Kells,” you yell again with a worried tone. He swings his guitar strap over his head and sets it down and walks out of the recording booth door. 

“What’s up?” 

You hold your phone out to him. He grabs it from you. “So much for keeping it a secret and away from the media.” 

He scrolls through the pictures taken by paparazzi of you two hand in hand walking down the street. The article is titled Does Machine Gun Kelly Have a New Girl? and the entire article is filled with pictures of you two holding hands, kissing, and going on a date; all from a few days ago when you went shopping. It has so much information about you. You almost feel like a celebrity yourself now. 

“Shit,” Kells says softly. “I didn’t even notice any paps” he says as he hands you your phone back and lights up the joint in his mouth. 

“Well what the fuck does this mean now?" You panic as you tuck your hair behind your ear.

He sucks in and pulls the joint out of his mouth. "I don't know. Are you my girl?” He blows the smoke out of his mouth and maintains eye contact with you. 

“W... well do you want me to be...your girl?” You bite your lip out of nervousness.

He takes a step towards you, “I thought you already were,” he grabs your face and kisses you. 

“I don’t want to be your girlfriend,” you say quietly, looking around to see if the guys are listening to your convo, they’re not. You look back up at him and he lets go of your face. “Not yet,” you add as you grab his hands. “I want to be but making it official complicates so much. I like what we have.” He says nothing as he lights up his joint again. “Do you not feel the same?”

“Nah I do,” he inhales, “it’s only been a few weeks.” He walks around you and grabs his coffee. “Wouldn’t want to go too fast.” 

You can’t tell if he’s disappointed or not. His back is facing you. You walk up behind him and put your arms around his waist. You hold your face against his back. “Don’t be mad at me, please.” you say quietly. “I’ve never been in the media like this and once we become official, everything about us is put out there for everyone to see,” Kells turns around towards you and you let go of him. “If anything happens between us--”. 

“Nothing’s going to happen.” He can tell you’re beginning to stress and pulls you into a hug. “Don’t worry about it.” He releases you and you turn to go back to the couch. He slaps your ass as you turn. You look back and smile at him as your cheeks turn pink. 

You eventually leave the studio and head home. Kells and the guys can spend all night and morning at the studio most of the time so you sleep in your own bed. 

It’s about 2 am and you’ve been sleeping. You get a phone call from Kells which wakes you up. You answer, “I’m not bringing you guys food again,” you whine through the phone. 

“Come over,” he begs you. 

“What?” You sit up in bed.

“Come on, just come over for a bit.” His voice is very breathy and deep, which you’ve learned means he’s horny.

“I’m not coming over,”, you say as you lay back down. 

“Please baby,” he groans.

“No, I’m going back to bed. Goodnight.” Before he can argue, you hang up and roll over. 

You fall back asleep but less than an hour later, you hear a knock on the door. 

You groan as you get up, “what the fuck?” you say to yourself as you get to the door. You look out the peephole. It’s Kells. You open it up as you rub your tired eyes. “Babe, what are you doing?”

He walks in and pushes himself against your body. He kicks the door closed behind him. His lips crash into yours and his arms wrap around you and his hands grab your butt, squeezing it hard. You pull away. 

“Kells, I’m tired, come on. I told you I was sleeping. You taste like alcohol. Are you drunk?” You turn and walk towards the bathroom. 

“I had a couple drinks, you know what that does to me.” He whines as he goes after you. He stumbles and misses you as you hurry to the bathroom. 

“Kells stop, you should go to bed, come on.” you turn and say to him as he stumbles into the couch. You reach the bathroom and flick the light on. “Come on, do you need to shower?” 

Kells stands himself up and makes it into the bathroom. You start to turn your shower on, but Kells grabs your hands. “I don’t need a shower, I need you.” 

You try to pull away, but one of his hands has already started rubbing your pussy. “Kells,” you whisper. “Stop.” You reach down and grab his hand, but his gentle rubbing turns you on so you let go of his hand. 

He pushes you up against the wall next to the shower as he slips his hands into your shorts and rubs your clit gently. You give in and let your body relax as you grab his face with your hands. Usually he pays a lot of attention to your neck, always sucking or kissing, but you’re just staring into each other’s eyes. He’s watching your every moan and deep breath as he keeps rubbing. 

Your hands travel from his face down to to his waist. You undo his belt and unzip his pants. You reach down his briefs and begin stroking his hard boner. He stops rubbing your clit and pulls your face into his, pushing his warm lips into yours. 

He spins you around and pushes your waist into the counter of the vanity. The giant mirror above the sink lets you watch him behind you.The hot water from the running shower has started to lightly fog the mirror up. He pulls his shirt off, exposing his sexy tattoos, and pulls his jeans down. With his briefs still on, he pushes his hips into your butt. His arm reaches around your body to your neck and pulls your head back. He leans forward and kisses you from behind. He pulls your shorts down, exposing your cheeks and squeezes them roughly. He quickly pulls his briefs down and you watch his member, in the mirror, slap his stomach. 

He turns his attention to you as you both lock eyes in the mirror. He positions himself at your entrance, as you’re bent over the counter, ready for him. He slowly pushes himself into you. His tip enters you slowly then he pulls out. He thrusts in and out of you with just the tip, slowly. With your eyes still locked, he watches as you whimper. 

“Ugh don’t tease me.” You moan through heavy breaths. 

“You want me inside you?” He asks softly. 

You push your butt back into his hips, “I want you deep inside me.” 

He continues to squeeze your ass as he keeps teasing you. He begins slowly pushing himself deeper inside you. “Like this baby?”

You let out a loud moan as you shake your head yes. He starts thrusting harder and deeper inside you as you both watch each other in the mirror. You love to see the way his body and hips move as he moves in and out of you. The steam from the shower has made the bathroom steamy and Kells’ skin is glowing from the moisture in the air.The pleasure on his face turns you on even more as you watch him breathing heavy and letting out light moans. You can see him watching your breasts jiggling in your shirt with every thrust. His arms move up from your butt, up your waist and around to your boobs. He grabs one and starts squeezing lightly as he bends over your body. He stands back up and thrusts quickly in and out of you. His groans become louder as you feel his thrusting get sloppier. You watch his face in the mirror as he climaxes. 

He pulls out of you and you stand up and face him. He kisses you and pulls you in for a hug. He kisses the top of your head. “Now I need a shower,” he laughs. “You going to join me?” he asks as he lifts up your butt and swings your legs around his waist. 

You laugh and throw your arms around him as he carries you into the shower.  

[sarcastic-sunshines]

Letters for my Love - Chapter 3

A/N: So this took a little long than I would have wanted, but here it is! I promised things would get happier from here on out so hopefully this counts. As always, I hope you enjoy reading as much as I do writing it and I can’t wait to here what you all think

Warnings: None

Pairing: T’Challa x Black Reader

Chapter 1 I Chapter 2

________________________________________________________________

My Love,

It feels odd even writing this, but somehow, you are still my best friend. Despite you not being here and life looking so differently from what we expected, I still feel as though I can tell you everything. Frankly, you are the only one I want to talk to about this . So I will do just that, I have started dating again. And it appears I have met someone, her name is Aiysha. My mother actually set up the date behind my back, but it worked out, and we have been moving at what I think is an appropriate pace. Though often Aiysha doesn’t hesitate to remind that she wants more out of whatever this is. 

I am not even sure if I can call it a relationship, which would make Aiysha my girlfriend. I don’t think I am ready for such titles. To make it worse, our six year old adds to my hesitation. I remember you jokingly saying if something were to happen to you, you would have wanted an eight  year grace period before I moved on to another. Well it appears our daughter aims to honour your request. 

It has become very clear, Nobomi does not plan on ever liking Aiysha. She never calls by her name and continually refers to her as my ‘friend’. Her presence sours Nobomi’s mood and I have tried everything to change her perception of her. Though I don’t think Aiysha puts in enough effort either, but Nono is not making it easy. My mother is sure she is just jealous of having to share her Baba, but I am not sure that is it. 

Perhaps it not time for me to be taking these steps yet. The therapist had said going on a few dates would not hurt anyone, but it seems to be hurting Nobomi. If she isn’t comfortable with me having a dating life I am not sure I can go on to do so. Perhaps you can send me a sign to let me know that I am making the right steps, not just for me, but for Nobomi. Will any of this ever get easier?

Yours Forever,

T’Challa

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The rhythmic knock on the door made it clear who had come to pay T’Challa a surprise visit. His smile grew as he stood and the door open to welcome his cousin to  his office. They immediately hugged looking at each other, something they hadn’t done in the three months they had been apart.

“Hey bro, you look good”

“I can say the same about you cousin. I see the outreach center is not as much work as it once was. Your stress free demeanor is very telling” he spoke, offering his cousin a seat and a glass of palm wine.  Erik picked up the glass, letting the cool liquid be a reminder of his home away from Oakland.

“You could say that, three centers and you have them filled with so many people I barely know what my job is anymore”

“Isn’t that a good thing, it means they are working” T’Challa said with a light chuckle as he took a sip from his own glad.

“You know what I mean” He said after kissing his teeth “I got all this free time I might have to finally settle down like you T.

T’Challa choked on his drink making Erik laugh “ Chill man, I’m only talking about your new boo that Shuri was telling me about. What’s her name again? Asha?”

“Aiysha, and Shuri needs to learn to mind her business and she is barely my ‘boo’” he said with an eye roll

“Family is always business, so what’s the situation with her? It ain’t serious?” T’Challa nodded swishing his drink in his hand.

“So what, you just have her coming over when Nono asleep then?” T’Challa’s eyes grew in size, his embarrassed nature had his cousin laughing again.

“First of all I have more manners than that”

“So you're not sleeping with her?”

“No, I mean yes, but we go out on dates, and she is around Nobomi when she can be”

“Oh so she sneaking in after bedtime and staying for breakfast”

“N’Jadaka, please” T’Challa always felt shy talking about his new dating life, which always seem to be coming up in conversation with his family. It is like they did not understand that he needed to take baby steps through this process. Though talking about it with Erik would always be better then the prying done by his mother

“I’m just playing with you. You make it too easy though.” T’Challa shook his head slouching in his chair. 

“So Aiysha, she cool then? And how does she feel about babygirl”

“Impartial” T’Challa answered leaning his head on his hands.

“Damn”

“It is still better than what Nono thinks of Aiysha” Erik lifted his eyebrows knowingly before taking another sip of his drink.

“Yeah I heard Aiysha got competition?”

“I am guessing mother told you” Erik nodded “I still don’t even think it is that. I have tried to have her in different situations with Aiysha but it all ended the same. Nono flat out refuses to acknowledge her.  And once Aiysha sees all her efforts are going to waste, she completely stops trying. I told Nono we were going to the beach, she was excited. As soon as I mentioned Aiysha was coming she shut down. She was quiet the whole way there. She barely even talked to me, she didn’t  feel like getting into the water with me either. At one point I thought she was feeling better building her sandcastles, but as soon as she saw Aiysha get any bit of close to me she “accidentally” dumped sand in Aiysha’s hair.” Erik let out a deep laugh. T’Challa stared back unimpressed.

“It is not funny”

“Babygirl a G for that. She’s showing you she don’t like ole girl but you keep bringing her around.” Erik’s words did nothing but make T’Challa more anxious about the situation. He was beginning to think Nobomi needed a couple more years before he introduced someone to her.

“Which is where my dilemma lies, Aiysha wants to take things further but I don’t think I can knowing my child is not comfortable. Aiysha can barely stay over past 9 without Nono claiming she has a nightmare. One can only chase away monsters for so long” Erik’s attempt to hold his laughter failed. “Erik I’m serious!”

“Aight, I hear you, how bout you invite Aiysha over for dinner and I’ll be there so Nono don’t feel as uncomfortable. Then when the night goes on, baby girl and I can disappear for dessert somewhere else. “

“So you act like the buffer so I don’t have to?” Erik nodded as he stood up and downed the last of drink. “That might work, and she may feel more comfortable if she feels she is getting enough attention”

“Exactly, look I gotta go help Shuri with something in the lab. I’ll meet you at yours right after” T’Challa nodded, watching the door closed. He looked at the clock and stood, remembering that he had to get Nobomi from the hair salon. The six year old had requested something other than the space buns her Baba had barely mastered. It was hard for him to say no to her, his concern was always her happiness, but T’Challa wasn’t sure if maybe he was sacrificing too much of himself to make sure Nono was happy. He knew he was supposed to find a balance of the two, but at this rate he wasn’t sure if he ever was going to.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nono watched as the caterers set their dining room for four people. She peaked at the chafing dishes, hoping her father had picked at least one thing that she liked for dinner.  All of the dishes seemed to be filled with her favourites. The picky eater smiled, not realising her father was behind her until he picked her up. He carried her around to the kitchen as she laughed. He set her on the counter as he searched the fridge for an apple to share with Nobomi.

“Okay, fruits time” he heard his child groan but continued to cut the apple into small slices.

“How will I have room for the plantains out there?”

“You will have room, I am sure. Just half Nono please” the six year old took the slices but ate with no enthusiasm.

“Who are the other plates for? Are Aunty Shuri and Uma coming?”  He shook his head no biting into his share of the apple

“Then who is it?” she said with squinted eyes. He passed her another piece before answering

“It is a surprise” He heard their door slide open and lifted her off the counter to go see who it was. She held onto her father’s leg peaking at the entrance. Once she realised who it was she let go and ran into Erik’s arms. He lifted her up and held her tightly.

“Uncle Erik, are you my surprise?” He kissed his niece’s cheek before looking at how much she had grown in the three months he hadn’t seen her.

“I guess I am baby girl, you excited to see me?” She nodded vivaciously.

“They made all our favourites, and I was wondering why” Erik laughed at her curiosity. “So who is the fourth person?” Erik looked at T’Challa before speaking.

“I think you know her. Her name is Aiysha?” and immediately, Nono’s whole demeanor changed. Her smile vanished and was replaced by a deep frown. 

“You mean Baba’s friend. I don’t want her here”

“Eh Nobomi, be nice” she frowned deeper as Erik let her down, she ran and hid her face on the couch. “She will be fine by dinner. I mean she usually is”

“That ain’t jealousy. That little girl just does not like her and I don’t think that is going to change anytime soon.” he said walking over to her to get her to sit at the table. 

By the time Aiysha showed up, Nobomi sat at the table looking bored. She barely touched her dinner despite her father making sure tonight's meal had all her favourite foods. He shared a look with Erik before leaning over to Nobomi.

“ Nobomi wam, I thought you were excited to have some fried plantains. I made sure they made some just how you like it”

“ So she purposely likes it this soggy?” Erik said holding his own portion of plantains up for examining. T’Challa looked his way for a moment before turning back to his child.

“Nobomi can you at least eat half . You cannot go to sleep like this” she stared up at her Baba and saw he was serious. She picked up a piece with her hand and took a bite. T’Challa smiled at her “ Thank you darling”

Aiysha could sense the awkward aura, and knew of course it was her presence in front of the princess. Her and T’Challa got along great whenever it was the two of them. Even in group settings she could tell that they shared similar feelings for each other. But once Nobomi got into the picture, he changed, and so did the mood. She wasn’t good with kids and she felt as though she had really stretched herself trying to befriend the child to no avail. 

Aiysha cleared her throat and sat up straighter “I really like your hair Nobomi, it looks very nice” 

“ Nono, what do you say?”

Begrudgingly, Nono looked in Aiysha’s direction and muttered “ Thank you”

“ I like it too Nono, I might have to switch up from the dreads, what do you think” Erik said swaying his head, allowing a few of his dreads to fall to his face. His actions earned him a giggle from the little girl.

 “ I like your hair as it is Uncle Erik” 

“ Thank you baby girl” he looked at T’Challa who nodded “ Nono, I think I’m kinda over dinner too. But I think I have some room for ice cream. You want in?” The little girl’s eyes lit up for the first time in hours, which comforted T’Challa, who always felt his own heart break when his princess was anything but smiling. She looked at her father asking for permission. He smiled back, giving her permission.

She stood up excitedly but stopped when she realized her Baba was not moving. 

“Baba, what are you waiting for?”

“ I think I will stay here with Aiysha, I don’t think she wants any ice cream. Do you want ice cream Aiysha?” Aiysha shook her head no. Nobomi’s frown returned 

“ Well then she can just go home then” she said with her hands on her waist, her stance reminded him of her mother.

“ Nono! That was not very nice of you” T’Challa exclaimed, shocked at the things that come out of his daughters mouth. “ I’m going to need you to apologize right now” 

Nono stared at her father with teary eyes, not ready to apologize. Her father stared back, knowing eventually she would budge, but his child seemed nowhere close to apologize. 

Aiysha saw nothing coming from this situation so she lightly touched T’Challa’s arm “Honey it’s fine”

“ Yeah T, let it go. Nono, let's go alright” Erik said walking over to stand by Nono. T’Challa exhaustingly broke the stare off. Nobomi took that as an opportunity to run to the door stomping her feet as she went. T’Challa knew she was upset with him mostly, but there was no point pushing it now. 

Erik followed Nono out the door, T’Challa and Aiysha finished eating eventually clearing the tension. And just like that T’Challa was a different person, less worried, calmer and carefree.

 They were cuddled up on the couch, T’Challa peaked at his watch, it was getting late and he knew Erik would be back soon with Nono. Hopefully his daughter be in a better mood. He moved over thinking it was a better time to talk about the events that occurred with Aiysha. He kept his arm on her thigh as he moved to face her. Aiysha noticed and moved to face him, her smile large as she looked at him adoringly, playfully touching his face.

“I just wanted to talk about what happened at dinner. I am sorry about Nobomi’s behaviour. She is taking much longer than I thought to adjust to this situation” Aiysha’s composure shifted, her face becoming less jovial.

“Yes, well I don’t know how much longer this can really go on. I haven’t done a thing to that child and she continues to treat me as though I have insulted her in some way.” T’Challa felt himself get defensive of his daughter.

“She is only six, so her behaviour is expected to an extent. It has just been her and I for her whole life so I don’t blame her for taking time to adjust. And for the record, you could try a little harder to appease her.” Aiysha scoffed and rolled her eyes.

“What else would you have me do? Braid her hair? I can only smile oh so much pretending like I don’t notice her disdain for me.” Aiysha countered looking away from T’Challa. Her tone made it clear she was bored of the conversation

“Well you are going to have to if you see this relationship going anywhere.”  Aiysha turned her head sharply to look at T’Challa.

“And what is that supposed to mean?”

“It means, that whoever I am with has to have a positive relationship with my child” said harshly, his voice slowly rising.

“Have you ever considered it is your child’s presence that is limiting this relationship. When she isn’t around, you are a completely different person, more relaxed, happy. “

“I am happy around my daughter as well” T’Challa screwed up his face confused as to where this conversation was going. 

“It’s different T’Challa. I really like you, but I can’t see this going far if Nobomi is going to be an obstacle course every step of the day” She finished picking up her wine glass and taking a sip.

“So what would you have me do?” he said tiredly

“I don’t know, boarding school” T’Challa had never turned his head as fast as he did to look at Aiysha in that moment. He felt his anger rising as he tried to breathe through it.

“I hope that was a terrible joke you decided to tell.”

“It wasn’t, at least partially, perhaps, evidently the little girl needs some distance from you because she relies on you too much.” T’Challa got up and started pacing back and forth. Aiysha watched him for a moment, slowly sipping her drink. “The way I see it, it is a win-win situation, Nono becomes more independent while you and I can explore our relationship, which I think can go very far, outside of her.”

“You don’t get to call her that” he countered sharply

“What?”

“I said,  you do not get to call her Nono. She only likes it when people she is close to call her that. And clearly you are not one of them. “ Aiysha’s mouth remained agape “I have decided that this is definitely  not going to work. I cannot be with someone who doesn’t understand that my child is my first priority. Let alone see shipping her off to boarding school as a solution for her acting out. For you to even offer the idea is just -” He caught himself before he said something too harsh. 

“Anyways, it was nice while it lasted. I wish you nothing but joy in your life Aiysha.”

“You are not serious, T’Challa, you are ending this over such a small issue!” She exclaimed, T’Challa took the glass from her hand. He held his other up gesturing towards the door. “Fine, it was nice knowing you too” Aiysha stated matter-of-factly.  

T’Challa collapsed back on the couch listening to the sound of Aiysha’s heels slowly disappear before he was left with the silence of his own thoughts. How could he have ever considered a relationship with Aiysha going anywhere. Maybe Nono’s attitude was a clear sign this was not going to work, and he should have taken it. Maybe this was a sign that both him and Nobomi were not ready for him to reopen his love life. And quite frankly, he did not mind waiting, as long as it meant that his princess was happy, her smile was the only one he truly cared about.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

By the time that Erik had gotten home, Nobomi was asleep in his arms. He had placed her in her bed before T’Challa explained what a trainwreck the night had become. Erik agreed it was for the best and left T’Challa to go through his thoughts alone. He had crawled into bed and for the first time in a little while he truly missed the comfort of his wife. He never remembered it being this hard, everything had been so easy with her. Even the fights and worries they had. Everyday seemed to be a passing reminder he would never have that ease that came with love again. He spent the next day waiting for the hours to pass before Nono got back from school. He just wanted to talk to her and make sure that she was okay.

She had barely spoken at dinner, but it was also wash day, so T’Challa allowed her to sit in her silence as he twisted her hair after applying deep conditioner. He placed the shower cap on her head. He watched her run to his bed and lay in the middle staring at the ceiling. He walked over and dragged her by the foot making her giggle. He sat down and pick up her foot, placing a kiss before steadying her tiny foot on his lap. He brought out the nail clipper he was holding and began the mini pedicure. He did the first foot quietly before deciding to talk to Nobomi.

“Nobomi wam, I just wanted to say I am sorry about how dinner went yesterday. You were clearly uncomfortable and I should have paid more attention to that”

“It’s okay Baba, I forgive you” she said wiggling her toes

“You know I love you so much right? Baba never means to make you upset at him” she nodded as he finished before moving to put her arms around his neck and kissing his cheek.

“How about we go get ice cream tomorrow since I couldn’t go yesterday” She stared at him doubtingly.

“Is your friend going to come?” T’Challa chuckled as he shook his head no.

“I don’t think Aiysha will be hanging with us anymore” Nobomi smiled widely.

“Okay then!” she exclaimed before jumping on the bed in joy. T’Challa smiled and watched her jump a few times before he heard the doorbell ring.

“Okay that is enough jumping on the bed” he said as he headed to the door. As he walked over, he found himself smiling, soon realizing that he is content with his little family and the simplicity of his life at the moment. He was more than okay going through the motions that he felt were a comfortable pace. 

He opened the door, and for a moment he was sure he had the wind knocked out of  him. The women with gorgeous dark features stared back for a moment, unsure on how to respond. Eventually she raised her hand and waved.

“Hello Kumkani, I am Akina, Adanna’s sister, Nobomi’s nanny?” T’Challa shook his head clearing his thoughts before nodding as he recognized the name. At the same time Nobomi came running into Akina’s arms squealing with joy.

“Hello Nono, how are you darling?”

“I’m good, what are you doing here?” T’Challa watched the interaction trying his best to not stare, which was difficult as he found himself being mesmerized by Akina’s smile.

“Well you forgot your teddy in the car with Miss Adanna today. She couldn’t come back herself so she asked me to bring it.” Nono took the teddy that been with her since she was born.

“Thank you Miss Akina” said before running back in, T’Challa turned to look at her for a second, before turning back to Akina.

“So you are Adanna’s older sister then?” Akina nodded

“Yes, sometimes she brings Nono around when we have our lunches. She is a very sweet girl, she talks about her Baba a lot so.” She said with a soft smile

“Hopefully mostly good things.”

“Yes, well the little girl seems to not like your snoring when watching movies” T’Challa suddenly felt embarrassed. Of course his child would expose him like this. He covered his face with one hand. Akina let out a soft giggle that brought a smile to T’Challa’s face. He let himself take in her beauty once again, and for a moment, it appeared she was doing the same.

“Baba! The timer went off!” Nobomi’s voice quickly brought T’Challa back to reality

“I should get going, thanks again Kumkani” Akina said slowly backing away down the long palace hall.

“You can call me T’Challa by the way, no need for formalities”  She nodded while continuing to move slowly.

“Well it was lovely meeting you T’Challa”

“You as well Akina” he said with a  wave. Nobomi calling for him forced him to close the door before turning to walk back into his bedroom. As he did, he caught himself smiling wide and yet somehow he couldn’t get himself to stop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Love,

Well it appears you gave the sign, and believe me, I heard it loud and clear. Evidently Aiysha is out of the picture. I really did not see things ending the way that it did. It only made me appreciate what we had even more. Everything felt so easy with us, there were no questions or doubts. Most likely because we were young, and there wasn’t a child to consider in all of our decisions.

Despite it being more difficult, I am somehow not as discouraged as I was earlier. You used to say “What is mine will come to me” and I still believe that to be true.  And as I wait for those that are mine, I will focus on raising our rambunctious child who surprises me everyday. She tires me out most days, but her enthusiasm for life reminds me of you. You used to be the positivity that I sometimes could not create for myself, and every day Nobomi becomes that. 

Speaking of what I believe is mine, I am going to take the coincidental arrival of Akina as a sign. If it is what I think it is, perhaps you could send another sign as to how I can approach this in a way that is comfortable for both I and Nono. It is still interesting to think of how far I have come since your passing. It seems as though with each year I grow a little more. Even then, it is still hard to navigate this world without my best friend. But as always, I know that you are watching over us, and there is not that we can’t do without the guidance of my morning glory. 

Yours Forever,

T’Challa

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