#i am trying to keep myself sane
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I don't feel loved
#:(#like really it's a terrible thing to feel but it's not as much as i am giving and it makes me feel so bad#i am not loved enough and to think that this torment would continue always makes me shut my heart and don't start for anyone#it's so pathetic but i can't help it because i don't get it as intense as i am giving and it's always that never scratching even the surface#i think about her alot but she doesn't thinks of me#i try to make him happy but it's never enough#i try to keep myself sane but i sound like a child begging to be taken along and it ain't working for me#I don't think love should be difficult or unnatural#it should definitely come in my way because i deserve it like anyone else#i should feel loved and i hope i do and i hope it changes#to wake up one day and not feel terrible or to just hope for a home where i am loved and cherished#where my love is celebrated and people don't just tolerate it#i want all those pretty giddy feeling for myself#not sorry for rambling because it's my blog !#desiblr#being desi#desi tag#anxiety#sadgirl#love#tw depressing thoughts#tw mental health
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Disaster twins for my own self indulgence ✨
#drag's art#rottmnt#rise of the tmnt#rottmnt donnie#rottmnt leo#rise donnie#rise leo#rottmnt disaster twins#not a ship. just to be real fuckin clear#i am trying v hard to keep myself sane ✨
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Day 1 of characters in the colors of their flags for Pride Month
Dimentio // Cinthean (hc)
#super paper mario#spm#dimentio#pride#I also hc him as agender <3#but i am sticking to one flag per character to keep myself sane#I’m gonna try my best to keep on top of this I have hope-
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i have depriving myself down to an art form
#why am i like this??#why do I keep breaking my own heart?#apparently I've also got to finish the job by posting into the abyss#wish someone would fix me cos this cycle ain't stopping#(missed out on adopting yet another rescue dog I had my heart set on)#i should be fine with this cos I said I wanted to give a home to a dog who had trouble finding one#or who would struggle with inexperienced owners#and this dog was rehomed in just days so he clearly didn't need me#but after the extreme grief of losing my last dog to cancer it's been really hard for me to find a dog I'm ready to commit to#(especially in my town cos I'm just not a staffy/pig dog person and that's 99.99% of dogs here)#and I don't know when it's going to happen again#I finally got ready to hit that button to enquire and then got the news on page reload. it hurts#the other dog I like is too far away to meet and would hate the 2-day car ride back.#he's been getting overlooked for too long. but he's also like 30+kg which dramatically increases his ongoing cost of care#and I'm still trying to find work. (I could have afforded looking after the little guy inc. in any emergencies with my savings)#anyway I have to pick myself up cos my nieces have asked me to [“help them”] train their big unruly dog#that it was 100% irresponsible of my sister to get#but as usual she gets to have whatever she wants and everyone else has to pick up the pieces#and then I get to hate myself for growing bitter from being responsible and caring about the situation I put others in (ppl and dogs)#anyway gonna go cry myself to sleep#maybe one day I'll get sane and stop my belief in “signs from the universe” to guide me re: whether it's ok to let myself have something#(after I've done the logic math)
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i shouldnt have listened to the me from 3 years ago when she told me to get into paralive I SHOULDNT HAVE LISTENED ARRRGHHH im sane! im so sane!
#i put it off for SO LONG#like i kept telling myself ill try to get into it#but the stars never aligned until just now#AND IT'S GETTING TO ME ARRHGHGRHGHRHGR#IM JUST MOSTLY BANGING MY HEAD ON A WALL#im ok. im sane ab allen im so sane#god#AGHGHGHHHHH#who am i gonna talk to??#do i keep this pararai infested brain to myself?? HELL NO????#i need my friends to suffer. ill blab to them
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THINGS!
2025 is going to be the most jam packed stressful year of my life & i know that for sure because a lot is already planned. So i WILL be an absolute mental wreck (this is apologies in advance) & i will literally be clinging onto support most likely the whole year so tumblr will either be me spamming constantly or me not here for weeks or months at a time & barely posting? i’m so unpredictable. Anyways my entire life is guaranteed to change & the best case scenario will still ruin a lot of shit for me so if i get really depressed THERE IS REASON!!!! & i’ve already made several promises so the world is stuck with me if i can help it. so uuhhhhhhhhh YEAH. ANYWAYS IM SCARED FUCKING SHITLESS LIKE ZERO SHIT SCARED OUT KF MY FUCKING MIND SO YEAH. THE MENTAL STATE WONT BE THE BEST. LOVE YOU GUYS!!! IF MY ACTIVITY IS SPOTTY IM NOT DEAD WE’RE PROBABLY JUST DISSOCIATED AS SHIT!
Anyways. TLDR i’m going to be super fucking stressed out & out of pocket for the next year because of shit.
Any friends of ours read tags pretty please <3
#new year 2025#going to be super hyperactive or stare at a wall for a week & i don’t know which one it will be yet it’s leaning towards stare at a wall#for maybe like a month. just stare at wall & cry#BUDDY REN IS NOT OKAY! BUT HANGING IN THERE!#WE COMMITTED TO HARD TO THE BIT THAT IS LIFE SO YALL ARE STUCK WITH ME LESS SUN DONT SHINE RIVERS TAKE ME DOWN!#mighhhhhht end up relapsing on the addiction but that is way better than being dead. it doesn’t have to be healthy at this point#as long as it keeps me alive & sane i guess? i’ll obviously try not to but like dark times are dark#life update#IF YOU ARE AN IRL THAT I TALK TO OFTEN & YOU NOTICE ME NOT RESPONDING TO ANYTHING OR REACHING OUT PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD REACH OUT#IM SAYING THIS NOW BECAUSE IVE BEEN INCREDIBLY SUICIDAL BEFORE & AM BEING CAUTIOUS AS HELL!!!! MENTAL STATE IS NOT A FUCKING GAME OVER HERE#LIKE IF I START SHOWING SIGNS & I AM NOT TAKING CARE OF IT ALREADY REN IS A STUBBORN BITCH & WILL REFUSE HELP BUT IM NOT PLAYING#IF SHIT STARTS GETTING CONCERNING FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE INTERVENE#LIKE OBVIOUSLY IF YOU ARENT DOING GOOD EITHER & NEED PRIORITIZE YOURSELF DO THAT!!!#BUT IF YOU ARE IN A POSITION TO HELP & CATCH ON TO ANY CONCERNING SIGNS PLEASSSSSSE DONT LET THIS BITCH TURN HELP DOWN & INTERVENE#WE WILL PROBABLY NEED ALL THE HELP WE CAN GET & ALL THE SUPPORT WE CAN ASWELL#BUT ALSO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF PLEASEEEE? DONT IGNORE YOUR OWN NEEDS#APOLOGIES IF THIS IS WORDED BAD IM NOT THE BEST WRITER THATS NOT MY JOB#SERIOUSLY LOVE YOU GUYS & IM GOING TO TRY MY HARDEST TO SUPPORT MYSELF BUT WE MIGHT NEED MORE HELP THAN WE CAN GIVE OURSELVES ALONE?#IF ANY OF THIS SHIT MAKES SENSE#MIGHT NOT? I DUNNO DM ME IF YOU WANT TO BATTLE PLAN WITH ME#THE BATTLE BEING LIFE WHILE CHANGING LITERALLY EVERYTHING & MAYBE BEING AN INTERNALLY DISPLACED REFUGEE IN THE COMING MONTHS#I LOVE YALL! UH THANKS FOR READING I GUESS? IM TIRED & GONNA SLEEP NOW#GOOD NIGHT YALL <3
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I don't care when people don't include me in stuff, I'm used to it but-----
my own family going on a trip w/o even asking me kinda felt
shit 🫠
#like i understand cuz they gave up on trying to talk to me butttttttt#why the fuck am i the villain in the story even like this 😭#its okay if u dont give a fuck abt me. but at least dont make me feel like i deserve it lol#like yes sorry but i have a reason for lowkey disliking all of you#and i know damn well all of you know why#yet they always say that it makes no sense i behave this way#behave this way means keeping my healthy distance and trying to move out asap#i dont spread hate and im not an asshole with them???#but me not acting all lovey dovey is a problem too#yes idk i always think i should cherish that they are still alive and i could better my relationship with them but#What to do when you can see your own dad literally hating you#like when he talks to me he always does so in a cynical and angry way#man im sorry i was born and shit its kind of your fault for not using a condom :/#lol okay i think imma delete this later but yes#yes i hate it that the only people i feel loved by are de*d ffsssssssssssssss#like all is well lately but i wish! love wouldn't only exist in my head man! im happy this way but when i realize the situation its kind of#pathetic and idk until how long#can i keep on staying sane like this lol#im kind of already insane if we think abt it but how long will it take me to lose my marbles completely 😭#yes this crisis was spiraled by just me not being included in a trip i wouldnt have gone to regardless if they asked me#but yes like. Idk they could have just told me at least😭 i called my sis in the morning and she responded like 10 hours later that they are#w dad and a womannn doing some funsies eating pancakes n shit 👻👻#i hate pancakes and i hate myself but 👻#im jealous of you guys frrrrr🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛ for being so normal n happy 🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛
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I actually survived 100 days in my Minecraft world and didn't die once lmao
#yeah at this point pirated video games are one of the only things keeping me sane#and minecraft can be a real comfort bc I've been playing it since... fourth grade. I think?#so that's 2015-2016#despite all that time I've never gotten too good at it#spent most of my days in creative building statues to cartoon characters in a super flat world#but I'm actually trying to play it properly now#and what I've achieved. 100 days in survival with no deaths. albeit on easy mode#is actually a huge milestone for me#and I'm rather proud of myself#I haven't done much. house farm and croptopia orchard#tamed a wolf and two parrots and am currently in the process of building animal sheds#haven't even breathed in the direction of the nether or end yet#but still#and I'm actually having fun doing something for once#I know. me. having fun? who am I and what have I done with nia?#but running around in this silly little block game does let me take my mind off a lot of things#and that's gotta count for something right#minecraft
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i hope everyone's prepared for me to become the most annoying person ever in 13 more hours
#i'm going to cry i'm going to listen to this and just start fucking sobbing#this song is so special to me you don't understand and i'll never be able to put it into words properly but like#orangestar's music. is important to me. i relate a lot A LOT to the feelings he incorporates into every song#those feelings of like.. struggling. and sadness and wondering what the point of it all is but trying so hard to stay positive#trying So Hard to see the beauty in the world even when it all seems like fucking garbage#and to stay hopeful for the future. to continue building your own life rather than letting society shove you into a monotonous routine#it's just... so so important to me. putting my relationship with music into words is hard but it's more or less how i keep myself sane LOL#daybreak frontline is a particularly beautiful song. one of my favorites.#and the thing about having these vocaloid songs that you hold near and dear to your heart and then they get covered in prsk is like#well all of the kids are like. very important characters to me. they make me happy i love them lots!!#so when they sing these songs that i've loved for years and like grew up on. that just makes them even more special 🫶🏾#and i think this song is like. peak vbs. this is the kind of music they do best this is where they all shine the brightest#also the art looks very very very very pretty.#see what i mean. i am going to be so fucking annoying about this forever this iseverything. to me.
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#tomorrow I am going to bake two quiches in an effort to keep myself sane#and we’ll have those and also polenta and creamed cod#because I love creamed cod#I wanted to try to make blondies but we already have pistachio panettone
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taiga saejima put on the cat ears. please. for me.
#30 mins before my first final and I am in the verge of jumping out of a window so I am trying to keep myself somewhat sane#It is not working btw#if there's art of this u send that shit My Way. please#nile talks
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:) I am on The Verge
#*chanting* not gonna cry not gonna cry not gonna cry#sucking down water to keep myself sane#why does my extended family hear me say I’m happy then tell me I need to change#I can’t possible be happy like this#someone just. comment stuff.#tell me about your Blorbos your projects anything#something anything#I’m probably overreacting but god I am Trying here#talking fire
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you just got transformed into the last drawing you did. how are you faring?
#uuuh#not well 😆#picture this: I am an ex assassin who fell in love with his target that cost a lot of money to find and bring to the comissioner#except I rebelled and broke him out of the dungeons and we escaped and became good friends and then I realised I'm very much in love#but I shouldn't but your friendship seems like the best thing that happened to you#I panic and leave him previously making sure he'll be safe at his brother's and then isolate myself#hiding from people from your former gang of assassins for hire who is after you and is trying to drag you back#you grew uo there and thought it's your family and that chief was your father#but you were just abused and used for money since very young age#you know you just ruined your safe friendship by abandoning him#but you don't know what else to do to keep him safe and stay sane at the same time#random supernatural lady emerges though to fix you#and be like ey yo don't be fucking stupid here let's be autistic together I will teach you how to cope with trauma#you also have a horse best friend so you have to stay around for him#bless the horse#the horrors will end at some point though it's just gonna be a tough fight with your abuser trauma yourself and shitty rich ppl#you're Shtefan my OC 🚶♂️#his character is actually my rant about being indoctrinated into catholic church and religion which hurt me and made me hurt others#anyway 🪦#at least I would be hot and wouldn't have to pay for top surgery and have di—#my art
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guess we're starting off the new year with a mild migraine, same as last year
#at least this time i got stuff to keep me sane and an emotional support meep#but gahd i hate how delicate i am now#trying to keep myself afloat feels like trying to clean velcro
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Sometimes growth means shutting the fuck up and not saying the thing your brain is screaming at you to say because you realize that saying it will likely just make things worse.
#I'm just trying to keep myself sane over hear#my brain isn't on my side atm and I am actively working against it#because therapy gave me the tools to do so#so I need to have the willpower to use them
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sigh. okay. things to look forward to. maybe video call with Reggie tomorrow (depending on wether he'll be up to it). also tomorrow, going to my mom finally. seeing Pumpkin again. also also new thousandaires episode drops at 1 am my time so I'll most definitely only see it tomorrow but it's an exciting one that I've been waiting for all week. also Olive back in a few days. it's fine I'm going to be fine everything is good
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