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glitchdollmemoria · 2 years ago

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preemptive warning for discussion of violence, abuse, and sexual assault in the links ahead

one of the many frustrating parts of schizospec paranoia is that, when it comes to more realistic fears, it gets hard to tell whats The Mental Illness and whats actually justified, at least to a degree. people with schizospec disorders are more likely to be the victims of violence, with some estimates claiming those with schizophrenia are 14x more likely to be victims of violent crimes than they are to commit violent crimes and twice as likely as the general public to be victims of violent crimes, and people with "severe mental illnesses" overall have been repeatedly reported to be at a much higher risk of being the victim of violence.

when you account for other factors which can put an individual at further risk of violence and abuse - physical and intellectual disabilities, race, gender, sexuality, or religion for example - you can easily see that theres plenty of fuel for persecutory fears.

when you account for the fact that schizospec disorders, especially their paranoid symptoms, can be exacerbated and even partially caused by trauma such as being the victim of abuse, and the revictimization rate for victims of such mistreatment, even more fuel is clearly being added. schizospec symptoms can easily mesh with symptoms of ptsd, resulting in paranoid fears that are, to some degree, based in factual events in a persons life.

so, with the way schizospec disorders muddle up our thought processes, it becomes especially difficult to know whether our fears are based in any form of fact or not. i experience fears that people are obsessively attracted to me, because ive been mistreated by past partners and by those who i wasnt involved with like that but who still took their own feelings for me too far. its difficult for me to discern whether people are actually attracted to me, and wanting to harm me because of it, or if its all just my synapses misfiring. i simultaneously have a constant feeling that the people around me are scared of me or see me as less than a person, and are therefore planning on causing me immediate harm or working behind the scenes to ruin my life, but these fears draw on actual experiences of being told im scary or pitiful or lesser, having people actually make efforts to hurt me in one way or another, so on and so forth. i am not the only one experiencing this, im confident.

and then you factor in the fact that those of us with schizospec disorders are most often socially isolated to some degree - the dsm even lists social isolation and difficulty maintaining close relationships to be a symptom of schizotypal personality disorder, for one thing i remember off the top of my head. were seen as strange, unnerving, unnatural, our behaviors are abnormal, we dont connect with others the way we "should", we communicate in confusing ways. every day i feel as if i have an aura emanating off of me that other "normal" people can sense, that tells them im a threat. and so it becomes increasingly difficult for us to find support, for our symptoms, or for the aftermath of discrimination and violence. we often arent truly "people" in the eyes of non schizospecs, rather were psychos, crazies, potential killers. we become collateral damage, acceptable targets. and it becomes easy to brush off our concerns for our own safety, because its more convenient to chalk things up to us just being delusionally paranoid rather than putting in the effort to actually examine the situation and the facts of how dangerous life is for mentally ill people.

i know that my thinking is disorganized here, and im doing the "flowery language" thing because its a serious topic and its hard to put into more succinct terms than dancing around what im saying. so i hope that what im trying to say is actually coming across clearly. my point is that im tired of second guessing myself and never knowing whether my fears of persecution are based in fact or not, and im tired of the social isolation that comes with this shit. im tired of feeling like if anything happens to me its going to be brushed off as just symptoms and not a real problem that matters to anyone except me

EDIT 8/19/2023: because i got reminded of this old post, i want to add that since posting this ive realized i also have npd. usually i keep my npd talk to a side blog because im not super comfortable talking about my symptoms on main, but i do want to add the clarification that the paranoia i talk about in this post is ALSO very very heavily tied to my npd in addition to my being schizospec. and in a way that makes me feel even more vulnerable, because people with npd tend to be villainized and treated as if our problems are just exaggerations to get attention. so when you combine the stigma against both conditions... its fucking rough out here, idk what else to say.

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gibbearish · 8 months ago

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this version of this post has been popping off recently which makes me really happy bc of how many people are learning they might have this disorder and it can be treated, however it is also a slight bummer because this version has a lot more info on how you can treat it yourself as well. so with that, i am once again requesting assistance, pls spread this version too if you can !! it really is helping people, ive been going through the notes today to direct ppl to that version and idk it just. makes me Feel Things knowing the good that's come of this? and wanted to share a few so ppl would know like. look what we did!! look at the people we helped!!!

(once again throwing the alt under readmore)

image id: screenshots of 11 sets of tumblr tags.

the first reads "#hold the FUCKING phone youre telling me im not the only one who couldnt fit a tampon in??? #man i had several people insist to me i was just doing it wrong #i knew i wasnt #dude if i had known this years ago i know what the first thing i bought with my first paycheck would have been i stg".

the second reads "#This is literally so important. #13 year old me needed this post so badly so please let the minors see it. #it is important to know about these kinds of things early on #it is important for children to know that their pain is abnormal so that it doesn't worsen. #i didn't know i had vaginismus until i was an adult #all i knew as a kid in a religious family was that I couldn't put a tampon in without excrutiating pain #and that i was one day going to be expected to "please" my husband #which was terrifying #for an extremely long time i had a phobia of sex and birth #still kind of do at the age of 26 #and it could have been prevented had i been allowed to know about ny body as a child".

the third reads "#Sex ed #i'm actually crying #Because i didnt know other people dealt with this. i thought it was just a 'oh poor little insecure 'virgin' '''girl''' thing #i can only fit one brand of tampon in. #this is probably way too personal but i feel seen because of this post so #i mean i knew about the dilators and therapy because of my close friend but i didnt know there was a name for this."

the fourth reads "#..... #today i learned i might have vaginismus #this is the second Nickle where tumblr taught me things about myself where it's not normal #tampons aren't supposed to hurt??? insane #no wonder i felt off about vaginal penetration but i thought that was the ace in me #still is about the ace in me but it's another thing too".

the fifth reads "#no yeah this is incredibly important #like. i started crying reading this #tmi obvi given the subject matter #but like. im ace! and i had just. given up on experiencing anything with that #because im ace and i can easily 'live without it' #the idea of it never being enjoyable and always being painful even tho im emotionally neutral on the act itself like #i thought 'well. that sucks but its fine cuz its not like i crave it. im ace. i don't need it' #when like. i CAN do it it doesnt HAVE to hurt theres things that can be done and it doesnt have to be scary and awful!!!! #i knew about the dilators for the longest time. they intimidated me out of getting help because #i just didnt think i could force myself through that regularly until it 'got better' #but i can use wearable toys!!!! it doesnt have to be awkward and stiff!!!!!!! i can get help and DO something about it oh my god #i finally stopped crying but oh my god".

the sixth reads "#resource #reference #wait wait wait #this is. a THING???? #i dont use tampons because its so painful to take them our!!! #and the only ones i can get IN are the smallest size #and it takes FOREVER because its SUPER uncomfortable #youre telling me this is an actual thing and i could treat it #????????".

the seventh reads "#oh? 👁️👄👁️ #today i learned i might have... vaginismus... #thank you for making this post and sharing it 🙏 #penetration even with smaller objects has always been painful for me and i never knew why 🥲 #tmi".

the eighth reads "#SAVE #SCREAMS #on main bc its medical this is important shit".

the ninth reads "#long post #holy shit i may have to research this #would explain some things #vaginismus".

the tenth reads "#i wish id know this when i was younger #i grew up in a very religious household where purity culture was very strict #sex literally became traumatizing cuz it hurt so bad #i'm almost 30 now and working throufh that trauma and the pain of something i left untreated for a decade".

the last one reads "#OH MY GOD #THANK YOU #ARE YOU SHITTING ME #ive NEVER been able to put a tampon in and the one time i got one half-in hurt like hell #NO ONE EVER FUCKING TOLD ME THIS WAS A THING I THOUGHT I WAS JUST DOING IT QRONG #im actually crying oh my god #brb im gonna do some research #GOD FUCK #THANK YOU OP AND CONTRIBUTORS #save #save for later #important #vaginismus #sex ed". end description.

got a good grade in physical therapy because i ordered a sex toy life is fun

#pls note i havent included the usernames for any of these tags bc i figured given the subject matter no one would super want that includes #however if i am incorrect and one of these are your tags and youd like me to edit the post just lmk!#/long post #origibberish

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helisol · 4 years ago

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dude im not sure you will get it after reading this either, but you Can read it now

okay so first of all do not expect me to adhere to rules of grammar or Proper capitalisation, I am writing from the heart

so it’s been said before by other people but if Quark and Odo didnt look like the aliens that they are but instead like two regular prettybois the fandom would do cartwheels over their dynamic and Not call them a crack ship. because really, their dynamic fucking SLAPS and I’m here to tell you Why.

their surface-level dynamic is “Respected and Talented Security Chief and Cunning Immoral Businessman who are in Love but pretend not to be” and that's just an off-brand version of enemies to lovers! which is excellent and for some people that’s all you really need to get invested in a ship.

but some people look at it and go “Hm, no, that’s not enough. I mean, they work as friends but it doesn’t really have to be romantic.” and to that I say you are Absolutely Valid, not everything has to be romantic.

it just so happens that these two fuckers have one of the most compelling romance stories ever, and it’d be a shame not to explore it.

so before I dive into the internalised homophobia and repression, I’d like to take a moment to talk about Quark as a character.

because if you have brainworms like me you can kind of see that its an honest to god greek tragedy.

this guy comes from a race of people where being kind, ethical and fair is considered Abnormal and Horrifying. and I’m not gonna call Quark out of all people kind, ethical or fair but,,,

you ever notice how he’s A Much Better Person Than Pretty Much All Other Ferengi?

dont get me wrong, Quark is still a bastard, but every once in a while his True Character shines through. and I say True Character because guys,,, the way he behaves around other people is an Act. he’s pretending to be something he’s not.

he has to try so hard to be a good ferengi it’s honestly painful to watch at times. because he is a SHIT ferengi!

he loves his friends- because that's what the ds9 crew are. they’re his friends! and it makes him miserable because that's not! normal! for a ferengi!

let’s compare Quark and Rom for a second.

Quark reeks of self loathing because a lot of the time he just Doesn’t act like a ferengi is supposed to, and this drives a lot of conflict in the show. he knows how a ferengi should act, it’s just that he can’t!! fucking!! do it!! but he still tries and tries to fit into that mold, which straight up ruins his life on multiple occasions.

Rom is also not a Model Ferengi, but he lives without hating himself. and it’s mostly because he doesn’t care about how a ferengi Should act, he’s loved and cared for even when everybody knows that he’s a shit ferengi! because his non-ferengi-ness works to his benefit. it encourages and highlights his abilities as an engineer. the success and love he finds make it easy for him to be content with his true self. Unlike Quark, who doesn’t get unconditional love from anyone.

its so!! tragic!! because you can see what Quark is really like!! his true self!! he’s a nice guy who cares for people!

its right there all the time and it's so blatantly obvious. especially in episodes like “Body Parts”, “Bar Association”, “The Way Of The Warrior” and “Ferengi Love Songs”

his own wiki page literally calls him “a compassionate and generous man by ferengi standards” which pretty much translates to “not really a good ferengi”.

anyway so Quark is a tragic figure or whatever but we’re actually here for the REPRESSED! HOMOSEXUAL! TENDENCIES! that he and Odo both exhibit.

with characters like garak you don’t really need to have brainrot to pick up on those tendencies, because that was something andrew robinson chose to do, on purpose.

and to be fair, Quark wasn’t intended to be Any kind of representation, not even by the actor. I’m just pointing out that he Does look and act and talk like a little gayman.

I will admit that he is Painfully Straight in the text of the show, but on a meta level he’s just. a dude who has a serious case of repressing his real personality. and taking it a step further- he also represses his feelings towards another man.

and that man is Odo.

a few things on him:

Odo is literally desperate to be a person. unlike Quark, who at least has the comfort of belonging to a society of people with a set of rules and expectations, Odo has never met anyone or anything like him in all his years of life.

like, we all know Odo basically grew up in a lab, right?

with people who didn’t know anything about him. who he was so unalike that they literally called him “Nothing”

but he still learned to look and talk and act like them (because if he didn’t he’d feel *pain* which is very fucked up by the way?)

so we know for a fact that Odo wants to be recognised as a person- which is why he tries really hard to conform to the ideals of the society that raised him. instead of exploring his nature as a shape shifter he maintains a humanoid form, picks up a job and creates an entire personality around what he wants to be seen as. but not what he really is.

and that's the thing that causes all the conflict between Quark and Odo. the type of person odo wants to be seen as is the polar opposite of whatever the fuck quark wants to be seen as.

In the same way that Quark acts like a Normal Ferengi, Odo acts like a Normal Security Officer. and in a cruel twist of fate, the Ferengi happens to be the antithesis of the Security Officer.

If you only look at them as the things they act like, and not the things they are, you might say they’re way too different to like each other, right?

but,,, if you think about the fact that they’re both putting on this act,,, this performance of idealised versions of themselves,,, you can see that they are The Same. They Are Both Gay Repressed Loser Aliens Who Try To Act Like Things That They Aren’t!

Imagine you’re Odo.

Imagine that you’re Nothing, because you’re not like anything anyone has ever seen- and because you are Nothing you don’t fall in love with anyone for years and years. since who could love something that isn’t like them at all?

But then one day this Thing shows up in your path and you just hate it. Because it’s not like anything *you* have ever seen. It’s disorderly and looks grotesque and it’s criminal to boot.

It’s all the things you learned would make a “Bad Person” It’s everything you aspire not to be, because if you were any of those things you would BE PUNISHED.

But the trouble is, eventually he’s not an “it” anymore, he’s “Quark” and you see him every day of your miserable little life because you live on the same damn station in space and it’s hard to avoid each other.

He also happens to be one of the only things in your life that are constant. He will never leave because he is stubborn and greedy and you just *hate him so much* that you’re convinced he must be doing all of it to spite you. And yet you also can’t seem to leave him alone.

So Odo Must Hate Quark. everything else is a non sequitur for him. he can’t not hate Quark.

because Quark is, and i’m sincerely sorry to apply christian fucking imagery to this, The Forbidden Fruit.

If he liked quark he’d admit some kind of moral failing. it would be the end of his act. but on the other hand...it might be a good thing, because at least he could have quark.

but Odo can never go through with biting into this apple because the consequences are horrifying to him. he could never have quark because, according to his performance, he would Never like quark to begin with.

and here’s a take for you: Odo's Brand Of Internalised Homophobia Doesn't Stem From Heteronormativity. It Stems From The Fact That He Was Kind Of Assigned Asexual At Birth.

and the show sort of alludes to this, for real! not just subtext! canon! except the writers used the wrong person.

because instead of Odo having these Forbidden Feelings for Quark he has them for,,, Kira.

but since this is My Quodo Manifesto you’ll understand that i am 100% willing to just toss that part of canon out the airlock.

so Odo does canonically have that mindset of “no one could ever love me” for decades he repressed any and all feelings of love to avoid getting hurt. in the show he breaks this cycle of repression when he takes a chance and enters a relationship with Kira. yay?

but we all know that aint it chief. and part of the reason why That Ship Ain’t It is the fact that Quark is Right There. and he is simply the more interesting choice for odo.

he and Odo literally share the same problem and have weird intertwined character arcs! they are both dreadfully afraid of not conforming to the ideal versions of themselves, so they reject everything that could challenge their Performance!

on some fucked up level they hate each other *and* themselves individually. and this hatred makes them reject parts of their real identities for the sake of protecting their image. which. yknow. in gay people. is internalised homophobia!

so you can see that they’re both repressing A Lot even if you view them as Friends, but the most important thing in this kind of romantic dynamic is usually,,, when the characters *stop* repressing.

and the thing is. the thing that Kills Me with these two. They Never Get That Moment. Thats Why You Need The Brainrot To See Them As Romantic.

The Ascent gives us an example of what happens when they both take their act too far. I mean, who could forget “Fascist!” and “Fraud!” That is what odo thinks of quark’s performance and vice versa, but we don’t really hear them adress the fact that they *are* playing these roles to a ridiculous extent.

We also never get an example of what would happen if they dropped their act instead of over-performing it. or rather we don’t get to see both of them drop it.

And the reason why we never get that moment is because there’s this one key difference between Quark and Odo.

Quark knows that he’s constantly repressing his true nature and his feelings for odo. We pretty much hear him say so in the iconic root beer scene in Way Of The Warrior. he knows that he’s not a good ferengi but he keeps up his act.

So quark is aware enough to feel that sweet sweet self loathing. But Odo isnt self loathing as much as he is just self sabotaging.

and this subtle difference between them is why, at the very end of the show, we get “That man loves me, can’t you see? It was written all over his back!”

this moment is quark dropping his act and asking odo to do the same. he wants to hear a genuine Goodbye from him because they have known each other for Decades and they are Friends. but odo is so unable to express the feelings he’s been repressing all these years. that he self sabotages again and just walks away.

even though this is like. very anticlimactic. considering I just spent 2000 words talking about how Odo and Quark are Most Certainly Gay For Each Other.

The fact that their ending is so Weird is the reason why quodo is so engaging and appealing to me? especially post-canon quodo.

like, the amount of “what if’s” this ship has are Astounding.

What if either of them had dropped their act a little sooner? What if they both did, for just a moment, and it was the straw that breaks the camels back?

What if Odo comes back after a few years? What if Quark comes to get him?

What if, in that moment in the finale where Quark drops his act, Odo had returned the gesture? What if Gag-Reel Quodo Kiss.gif Real?

with the depth that I read into their relationship, those what ifs are really fun to think about.

anyway its 1 am and i’m not an english major so literary analysis is not like, my strong suit. plus most of this was written in a late night screaming session with a friend who has the exact same opinions as me. i just think aliens hot and in love. thats all.

#the SOUND of my HEAD hitting my DESK with TERMINAL VELOCITY #quodo #star trek

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alphaesq · 4 years ago

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my life is a fucking sitcom

“oh e, you’re just being silly haha”

no.

you don’t understand.

this day has been all sorts of BONKERS.

TLDR: i discovered my parents do weed and am literally so in shock about it that i had to write down my story for public viewing

I drove my dad and I to a short dinner at my sister’s, 5 minutes away. We have our usual daddish conversations, to and fro, and then I drive us back.

I still don’t have my license (long story) but I tried to park the car in the garage, and when pulling in I bump the car onto the curb slightly, no biggie- then i burn rubber trying to get us off of it, laughing the whole time. I park the car, we get out, look at the rubber mark, he high fives me and said he did the same thing a long time ago, cool cool cool

so far, a normal day with my dad

we get inside the house, and things are slightly amiss for my doggo, a small 13 year old havanese who acts like a cat with a urination problem (but we love him anyways) - the gate to the garage is shut, so good for us that we remembered that. His cage is closed, the back door is closed, and the gate to the living room is open. Why? We have no idea. This means that he had access to the last gate blocking his escape, which when unsupervised, he knows how to scratch open. What does all this mean? My puppy had full rein of the house for an hour. Remember when I said he had a urination problem? I wasn’t kidding - he marks his territory every 2 seconds and has peed in every little crevice of this 25 year old house. So, my dad and I began our search... i went upstairs, walked a bit of hallway, turned left to the game room, and lo and behold he had SHAT four times in the game room hallway. He has NEVER done this before in the HISTORY of DOG SHITTING. like,,, bITCH???

Now, you’re probably wondering... how does this have to do with discovering your parents do weed? It doesn’t, but this all happened within hours of eachother and I have to give exposition okay.

Fast forward an hour, my mom gets back from my sisters because she stayed later, and I’m playing video games upstairs. Decide to go get ice cream, so I walk down at a kinda abnormal time for me. I see the parentals outside, so I walk out to see what they be doing.

I GAG.

“iT smELLs LiKE wEEd!”

my dad looks me in the eye:

“it IS weed.”

shshshdgdhhddhhshshwHAT

so I walk inside, and we have a talk™ ,, but this isnt even the weirdest part

rewind a week

I stayed at my sisters for a day, just to get out of the house for a bit because they can be a bit much. I get back Saturday afternoon to find nobody home - i knew they were having dinner with friends, so apparently they left really early. I walk into the kitchen, slide off my shoes by the counter, see some oregano on it in a bowl, walk upstairs.

My mom finally calls me back, in a more nutty manner than usual, REALLY frazzled that I’m back earlier than she thought ,, I’m like, “listen it’s nbd, I’m an adult, I can make myself dinner” but she’s still overtly anxious but i can’t figure out why

Remember the bowl of oregano

Yeah no that was weed

She just left a bowl of weed on the counter in plain sight, and my fuckin dumbass just ignored it and left my shoes there

So when my parents got home and saw where my shoes were, they had no idea whether or not i knew they smoked weed

I am literally in shock over this,, like,, my parents are weird but fuckin

wEeD?!!

Apparently my older sister found out cuz my mom has a vape pen???? And my mom does it often??? And my dad gets it when he goes to work in california???

But I texted my older brother about it and it is clear he has NO IDEA which makes all this even crazier

I asked him his opinion on doing weed and he gave me a long equivocal assertation about why he won’t do weed and how he thinks people should use in moderation so they don’t hurt themselves

Like, no shit bro

But do you know that MOM AND DAD DO FUCKING WEEED

i dont know how to end this so im done here

#personal #story #true story #i have no fucking idea what to tag this #i called my best friend after i found out because i was in such shick #shock #ugh im not retyping that whole tag #my nephew was over this morning and he’s ALWAYS sitcom material so he doesnt count #and any conversation i have with my mother are just one liners over and over #as was my carnversations #hehe #car-nversations #to quote me: ‘in all fairness i thought i was driving on the other side of the road’

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weissfai-blog1 · 6 years ago

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Loving the Dangerous You

My mind is now bombarded with so many stories for AePete. I just love Ae and Pete and they are what I will call a soulmate. I learn about Multi-Verse by watching CLAMP stories and what always get me and touch my heart is their aspect of soulmates. That in whatever 'multi-verse' you and your soulmate will be together. A very strong connection. Stronger than the red string of fate. It is the calling of your soul to another. I am creating different AU with Ae and Pete as always.

A university with a different set of rules. AePete AU. My second headcanon.

“Will you be scared to love someone as dangerous as me?”

There’s a hierarchy in every high school and university. The one who tops them all is the Leader and the one who can command so many students to do his bidding. In order to be the current leader, one must beat the crap out of the previous one. A so-called ceremony.

Ae become the leader when he was just a freshman, a feat no one ever achieve. He didn’t mean too, but as the man who always steps in to protect his friends, he become one. Regardless whether he likes it or not.

It was actually an accident, Pond was being a nosy ass and without meaning to, he was challenged by the Current Leader, and Ae being Ae, cleaning some of the mess made by Pond, he steps in and in a hand to hand fight won the challenge.

Everyone was in awe and most of their jaw drops cause Ae may be small but he punch a mean wallop and the leader was turn into a pulp.

The thing is Ae when in the offense can be deadly that’s why he’d rather use his feet than his hands. So he plans to join the football team of the university.

From that day, respect and admiration was thrown to Ae, even though he doesn’t like the spot light.

The kids (freshmen & seniors) in the school respects their new leader and is awe that he is righteous and will avoid any fight if necessary but when push comes to shove, Ae can kick anyone’s ass. He may be 178cm (5ft8in) only but he can punch someone taller than him and left them in dust.

Many girls are scared of Ae because he may not be taller than some men but he has a sturdy and well-built muscles. His muscles are often flex when playing football. But most of the brave girls can be seen hanging around the football field.

Pond was enjoying it, after all, being the BEST FRIEND & THE RIGHT HAND of the Ai Shorty Boss, he gets to have some gifts too.

Ae doesn’t accept gifts but Pond accepts it on his behalf.

Ae is not interested in any of the girls who confess to him here and there.

He is more focus on football, academics (especially in English cause he is super bad at it) and being a leader.

Being a leader is no joke. Before going home to their dorm (Pond & Ae shares a room) he must check first that no one is hurt badly in the infirmary (injuries that are sustain in school is not his worry). He must also check that no one was being threatened especially the first years who are easy targets.

And when a challenge from other school was officially delivered, he as the leader needs to answer it.

So far, news spread that Ai Ae – The Beast have top the other university leaders and have not lose a fight.

It’s a simple territory rules. There’s five major university in the city. The leaders of each university exist in the first place to stop bloodshed and gang wars that’s form by delinquent students who think they can rule. It is recognized by the university and their professors.

Actually, the teachers are relying most of the time to the leaders cause then the leaders can take care of students who strays.

The Dorm: GREENWOOD is no ordinary dorm. It was owned by a Japanese man who fell in love with a Thai woman and because they cannot have a baby, built the dorm near the university to take care of many students as possible.

It has a decent bed that host two students, bathroom, study desk and cabinets. Food are served in its very own cafeteria.

Its an all-boys dorm. There are several female dorms but GREENWOOD is most famous for caring the ‘hottest boys’ in the University.

It’s the middle of the semester when a new transfer student was introduced to the university.

Pete is a transfer student. Rumours immediately surround him as the ‘Mistress’ of the other Leader from his previous university.

Pete was said to transferred because of a scandal.

Ae haven’t met Pete because he was busy with the incoming mid examination and football competition with the other department.

But Ae heard a great deal about Pete: looks prettier than any girl, tall, pretty, white, cute, brown hair, slender, cute… there are so many descriptions but the words: pretty and cute keeps on popping out here and there.

Ae can only think of Dear, his highschool friend as cute, Dear is smaller than Ae and often needed help but Ae wont hesitate to kick Dear’s ass especially when Dear is being an annoying prick once or twice.

Ae met Pete when the later was push to the wall by a student from the other school (Ae doesn’t recognize the uniform) and Pete was about to be punched when he intervene.

Ae was there before that someone landed a punch to Pete, he throws his bag.

Ae was super angry that some twerp from other school will threaten their students. The student tried to fight, but Ae beat him to it, by landing a mean punch on his stomach, the student then doubled in pain and curse Ae and Pete.

The student shouted, ‘This is not the last Pete! Trump will kill you! Remember that you belong to him! He’ll haunt you! We’ll haunt you!’

Ae turn around and was about to shout and asked Pete when he was struck on his tracks.

Ae never thought that the day will come he will be speechless to see a person so beautiful. The transfer student carefully stand in his full height and Ae notice this beautiful creature is tall, with pretty soft brown hair that covers his forehead, the eyes that stares back at him are teary-eyed but he notice the beautiful brown colour of them – doe eyes, long eyelashes, cute chubby cheeks and red lips form in cupid’s bow.

Ae gulped and shook his head, and when the image of the other is still there, he tried to help him by giving the backpack. ‘Here. Are you okay?’

Pete nodded, ‘Thank you… uhm…’

‘Ae. That’s my name. What’s yours?’

‘Pete’

‘Ah. You’re the transfer student.’ Ae looks at Pete once again and he wanted to change the rumours spreading, this is no cute nor pretty, this is beautiful and angelic if they’ll ask him.

Ae found out that Pete is staying in Greenwood with a room to himself. Greenwood can accept special request like that, though the student should pay double as he is occupying the other side of the room too. There are only 10 special rooms like that.

Since that meeting, many students have observed that Ae treats Pete special, especially Pond who was born to be a nosy best friend.

When a second assault happen, this time, Ae was not able to be fast enough to help Pete – there were three students who punch Pete and Ae, Pond and Ping was there to help Pete.

Ae then proclaim to his underling that Pete will be guarded by three or four people especially when he’s busy.

His underlings can see that Pete is very special to Ae, even though Ae keeps on denying that he is treating Pete the same as the others. Just that Pete needs more protection.

His underlings just rolled their eyes and shook their head. They knew a man with a crush and yet dumb jock don’t know it himself.

Pete is very shy and told Ae that he is okay, but Ae insisted that he needs his protection. They are friends. And being friends will start who the hell is Trump and why is Pete being assaulted.

Pete was reluctant to say anything but only told him, ‘P’Trump was a friend. We were close when we were little. We grew up together… and his the only one who accepted me…’

‘Accepted?’ Ae’s brow furrows.

‘I am gay.’

‘So?’

‘Ae… I like men.’

‘So?’

Pete this time has his brow frown, ‘Ae. It means I’m not normal. I am different. I can only get attracted to men…’

‘And so? What’s wrong with being gay? Is that a sickness? No. You’re still you.’

‘Ae doesn’t think I’m weird? Abnormal?’

Ae flick Pete’s forehead, ‘You’re weirdly beautiful. I thought you were an angel at first sight. Abnormal? Just because you’re gay? That’s ridiculous. You can love anyone you want, there’s nothing wrong with it. What’s wrong are the people who pushes their opinions to others and hurt others.’

‘Ae…’

‘Now, tell me, is that all? But why are they assaulting you?’

‘Ae… can I not say it now?’

Ae sighs and looks at Pete’s eyes. ‘I wont force you today. But sooner or later you will tell me. I don’t want you to keep secrets from me Pete… please.’

Days, weeks and months, Ae and Pete grew closer. So close that Ae thinks there’s something wrong with his heart. He doesn’t know why he wants to see Pete everyday, every freakin’ second of the day. He doesn’t understand the possessiveness he felt whenever Pete will talk to Pond, Sun, Type, Champ, and the others. Hell he even hates it when girls are flirting with Pete. Ae thanks Bow and Chaaim when they dismisses the girls.

Their rituals are known to the whole university:

Ae and Pete will eat breakfast at the dorm cafeteria

Ae will accompany Pete until he reaches his classroom (even the professors are so used to this scene)

Pete will be seen when Ae is on football practice

Pete will stay in one corner of the room when Pond and Ping delivers to Ae the reports of students who were into fights, who was injured due to street fights and so on. And Pete accompanied Ae whenever Ae visits the infirmary.

Pete is also present when some sub leaders will challenge Ae. Pete is a witness on how scary and how Ae can punch and kick someone and left them like a pulp.

Sun, the other best friend of Ae asked this to Ae one time, ‘Are you sure Pete is not hiding something more important?’

‘What do you mean?’ Ae asked dangerously.

‘Well, your Angel is always present whenever you are being challenged. But for someone who looks delicate and soft, he doesn’t flinched when you punch someone. Usually someone delicate even Dear will flinched and cover their faces. But Pete just looks and deadpan.’

Ae didn’t say anything because he knew about that. Pete doesn’t look distraught or anything, but would come to him with a towel or a first aid kit. At first he wanted to ask if his okay seeing so much blood, but Pete just took care of him like its his work.

They were all on a ‘group date’ to watch a movie in the city. And Ae was surprised at how Pete was really popular, maybe because at school no one approaches Pete because they knew Pete is under his protection, but outside the school, Pete is being approach here and there. Sun, Pond, Ping, Dear, Oat are laughing and telling Ae he needs to move fast cause it looks like Pete is hot and not only females, but male eyes are following Pete whenever he goes.

Ae accompanied Pete at the front of Pete’s room. Pete told Ae, ‘Ae, I have something for you, actually for N’Yim. Its snacks from Europe. My aunt bought so many for me. And I’m wondering if you can give them to N’Yim.’

Ae nodded and both entered Pete’s room.

Pete then remembered that his room has a weird switch location and he turns around to open the switch when his lips accidentally graze Ae’s lips.

There was silence.

Both doesn’t know how much redness on their face for the whole room is still covered in darkness, only a small dim light from the outside can be seen.

Pete was about to open the switch when Ae stops his hand and grasp his waist and kiss him.

‘Pete. I think… I think I like you. I know that this is not like for a brother, a friend… but something else. A like that wants me to kiss you again… and again.’

‘Ae…’

‘Pete… can I kiss you again.’

Pete nodded and they shared a kiss so hot and so tender.

Ae smiles while he lies on his bed.

Pete wore a worried frown on his face. He then opens his phone and type a message to

Pete: P’Trump. We need to talk.

Trump: Are you ready to surrender?

Pete: No.

Trump: Then let’s talk tomorrow. 10am. The usual warehouse.

Pete: See you.

Pete stands at the warehouse exactly 10am and true to his words, Trump is there with ten of his minions.

‘Pete. I told you to come back to me. I need you.’

‘P’Trump. I thought you were my friend. But you used me.’

‘Pete. I never used you. You needed me. I am offering you a chance to belong.’

‘I never wanted to belong to a bloody gang!’

‘So you’d rather be a Leader’s bitch?! I heard about it Pete! You’re that midget’s bitch!’

‘Ae is not like that.’

‘Now, you’re defending him. Let’s see if you can lose your touch.’

Trump nodded and ten of his minions surrounds Pete.

‘Please P… don’t do this…’

Trump turn around.

He heard nothing but grunts and screams of pain. It was when he heard a crying that he turns around and he saw it.

Pete standing with a dangerous look on his eyes and face.

All the men are sprawled on his feet.

‘So you never lose your touch. You’re still the Bloody Angel of Death.’

‘Stop going and trying to make me came back. I will not fight anymore for you. I don’t want anymore bloodshed!’

‘Does your Master know this?’

Pete’s fist tightened and looks at the carnage before him.

All Trumps men are in pain, crack ribs, blood everywhere from their face to their arms. He was not able to stop himself when he crack one’s arm and he knew it was broken.

‘So he doesn’t know… Pete come back to me.’

‘No P. I think its time we end this. Please don’t come back looking for me anymore.’

Pete walks away but Trump shouted, ‘You think he will accept you? He will never accept an abnormal man like you Pete! You’re a psychopath! You have a twisted other side in you! He will despise you!’

Ae was worried when Pete didn’t reply on his text messages and was not in his room. He had and his minions looks for him everywhere, he was so out of his mind of worry when a text message came to him after three days.

Ai Koon Chai: Ae Krub. I’m sorry. There was an emergency at home. I’ll be back tomorrow.

AE: As long as you’re okay. See you tomorrow.

Ae wanted to ask so many things but he held himself back.

Pete at his room balcony looks at the sky.

‘Ae… will you be able to accept me? The real me?’

Pete Pitchaya Pecharn Worachoti, the only son of Pum Pecharn Worachoti. A hard man whose associated at secret military opts, taught him military instructed martial arts to defend himself, and Pete has been in multiple fights with men a full head taller and has more muscle mass than him and still win easily.

Pum taught Pete to defend himself especially as he looks so much like his mother, beautiful and skinny. Pum will often throw Pete inside a ring to fight one of the soldiers under Pum.

Pete has beaten up multiple large men despite him being as scrawny and built as a girl.

Pete then developed a certain side in him, he doesn’t want to fight, but when he is threatened it triggers him to protect himself and most often than not, the other party will end up with either a broken face or a broken bones.

Trump uses this advantage to help him secure being a leader, after all Trump is the only friend of Pete and the only one who knew about him being gay.

Pete decided to hide this side from Ae. As Ae was very determine to protect him and he doesn’t want Ae to abandon him. With Ae he felt himself and comfortable… and he likes Ae… more than a friend.

But for now, he cannot accept Ae’s like. Because he doesn’t deserve it as he is hiding so many things.

#lbc #aepete #gangster #my mind is a current mess #so many stories bundle #i need a 6months vacation twice a year #love by chance #hcs

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pastelconstellations · 6 years ago

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i spent a lot of time thinking today.

i think its the quietest ive ever been. for once i didnt have anything to say anybody.

i think its because i didnt have the energy to blame anybody. not even myself.

not to say i didnt let my brain have its way with me, i just didnt bother excusing it.

ive been thinking about disappearing. but im not sure where i would go, its more like a pipe dream. where i want to go isnt all that accessible though.

seattle seems nice. but i know running away would never fix a thing, id just be crying in a greenhouse rather than where i am now.

throwing stones against my walls might be more dangerous.

im bored of my problems, of my brain, of where i am. i think i used to see magic everywhere but now i just feel like everybody else.

theres no glitter in the air, no writing on the walls we’re dancing in, ill wake up tomorrow and it will be sunny, just like always

it will be another normal day.

mm. i know i have things to say but nothing is coming to mind. thats a bit abnormal for me.

haha, is this what giving up feels like?

maybe i havent given up hope, but maybe im tired of waiting.

yeah. im definitely tired of waiting.

i thought about the way to love me (hello my love, peering in)

i thought about what its like to be loved.

its hard to look at yourself the ways others do, you know? like, i dont think im worth the time. maybe thats why ive let myself wither away.

i talk about this a lot, but when i think about how you love me i think about all the therapists who ever asked me to list things about myself

things that i loved

and we’d sit in silence until i eventually i cried. “nothing. theres nothing”

they usually accused me of not trying. “there must be at least one thing?”

“no. no. no, sorry”

but you, you you you you you you could sit there and paint the walls with things you love about me (ah, please dont do that)

and im not sure how to swallow all of that, still. i really wish i could.

maybe ill never understand, but ill let you love me anyway. even when i could think of every reason you shouldnt, that out of every person who has ever or will ever exist i may be the least interesting of all of them

but okay. okay. okay.

okay.

the concept of soulmates is interesting. obviously, clearly, i -- we -- believe in it. it still doesnt really feel like a fair trade....sometimes i wonder if it was just a result of my begging that the universe did that but thatd be silly.

the truth is weirder. that i really am your soulmate.

...

what the fuck isnt really all that eloquent.

i love talking about how much i love you, if i didnt i think i would explode like dynamite from all the feeling flowing through me. loving you is the most beautiful thing i have ever done, its the most important thing i will ever do.

so i wish i could understand at least a little bit why you feel the same. not that i dont believe you, and every part of me thats always been wanting your soul to reach out to me accepts your love but god we really dont see the same thing when looking at me.

i think a lot about how i find it easy to talk a lot about how much i love you not just because i love you (the main reason), but because its...believable? who wouldnt love you...no one will ever be shocked i love you.

i wouldnt blame anyone for being shocked you love me. im no one.

you know, i also thought about how my entire life ive always been second best. you know? maybe my obsession with that comes from neglectful parents, never having love to fall back on when all else fails.

when all else fails i know youll still be there.

...

in the next life will you still find me and choose me? will you still love me?

thats a stupid question if the next life is what im hoping it will be

but ill ask anyway.

#i really just went and word vomited my every thought on the page after being silent for like 24 hours #i need to get a DIARY #vent//#my longest vent ever jesus christ

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comosedice · 7 years ago

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I never thought I’d fall for a pendejo but here I am Suffering and I need some help so if you guys could like offer me any morsels of advice I would really really appreciate it. Under the cut is an unnecessarily long explanation of the situation bc i wanna explain this as clearly as possible and also im really overwhelmed and need to get this out.

So there’s this guy at my job (let’s call him A) that I’ve had a MAJOR thing for for the past several months and a friend of mine (let’s call her W) has been trying to set us up (which he knew) bc she knows I like him (a fact which he did not know until recently – although I have no idea why he didn’t bc if my friend is trying to set us up, cant you like assume she’s doing it bc I like you? But it’s a moot point right now) and she had been reporting back to me that the reason he wasn’t making a move was because we’re friends and coworkers so he didn’t wanna make shit awkward. So as I mentioned in previous posts, on Friday night I went out and got really really drunk and ended up texting A a long ass paragraph that basically boiled down to me saying how much I like him and telling me that he could totally ask me out and not have it be awkward bc I like him so I wouldn’t say no. I also sent this message at 4:45am knowing full well that I would not be receiving a response for at least the next several hours when he woke up.

So I woke up at like 1pm and he still hadn’t responded to the message and I was dreading going into work bc our shifts overlapped for like 6 hours (one of the many reasons sending that text when I did was a horrible idea). His shift started before mine so he was already there when I walked in and of course the first thing my supervisors had me do was cover his register so he could take his first break. So I walk up to him and tell him that it’s time for his break and he turns around and for a split second he lights up when he sees me but it was like literally over immediately. So I take over his register and everything is normal, like he’s joking around with me like he usually does, he’s not acting weird or anything so im like okay this is gonna be fine.

A few hours later, our breaks happen to overlap (which NEVER happens) so im in the break room and he walks in and like my stomach immediately drops. I cant even look at him. He comes over and sits next to me and he has this like grin on his face and I know im in for it. He spends the next few minutes like making fun of the situation (not maliciously or anything, he’s not an asshole. It was more like he was trying to put me at ease by laughing about it but I was so nervous and embarrassed that it just made me feel worse). After a few minutes, I guess he realizes that this tactic is not working and we start talking about how W was trying to set us up and I tell him that everything he’s been saying to her about me was being reported back, which he kind of figured. So we take a minute to kind of get on the same page and then he asked “is there anything you wanna say?” and I responded “is there anything you wanna say?” and he kinda gets quiet for a minute and I look over (I had pretty much been avoiding looking at him this whole time) and he looks like he’s thinking over his next words and then he explains that he’s currently trying to get over this girl who had been messing with his head and that he’s not really in a place to date right now. Obviously I was fucking crushed but I just nodded and told him that I understood and i guess he felt really uncomfortable so he started trying to joke around about it again but my alarm went off to go back so i was thankfully able to leave before I got too emotional in front of him.

Unfortunately, we both still had a long ass time before our shifts were over so we were just like awkwardly avoiding each other and I was standing at my register trying my damndest not to cry. Later on, though, I happened to get my second break as he was in the locker area getting ready to leave (which again NEVER happens) so since everything was fucked anyway I mustered up the courage to ask him if he still would have turned me down if he hadn’t been getting over that girl and he took a minute before responding “I don’t know”. He said that it would depend on what his state of mind was at the time so even though I was frustrated af I accepted his answer and he left. Needless to say, once I got home from work, I spent my Saturday night crying on the phone with W about the situation.

Unfortunately, after all that, we also had to work together all day on Sunday (yesterday). And shit is AWKWARD. I feel really bad about it bc I know that this is exactly what he had been trying to avoid but I cant even bring myself to look at him, much less act normal. So a few hours into the shift, we both happen to have breaks at the same time (seriously, at this point I think it’s some kind of cosmic joke bc prior to this weekend, I can think of maybe 2 or 3 times in the 4 months we’ve been working together that that has happened) and of course bc I don’t know how to keep my fucking mouth shut, I apologize to him for making things awkward and his response is “ok.” in the most detached tone I’ve ever heard him use. So he goes back to what he was doing and I walk away and I ended up going to the bathroom to cry my eyes out because what kind of fucking response to an apology is “K.” I pull myself together and relay this information to W and she’s super supportive and also calls him a dumbass.

So a little while later, I have to take over A’s register again and it’s still awkward and while he’s on his break, I notice him standing at W’s register talking to her (which isn’t abnormal, we all usually hang out at each other’s registers when we’re on breaks) and out of the corner of my eye I notice him look over at me a couple of times but I just keep my eyes on my customers. Eventually he comes back and like awkwardly apologizes for not accepting my apology correctly and said that he didn’t realize he had upset me so I mentioned that he could not have sounded more indifferent if he tried. Then he explains that he didn’t think me being weird was a big deal and that he didn’t think I had anything to apologize for so I felt a lot better. Later, W told me that she took him to task for being a dick to my apology and im so grateful that she did bc that helped us find some tentative solid ground and I was actually able to have a casual interaction with him after that.

But yeah so that was last night and even though I feel a little better and I don’t necessarily want to actively avoid him for the rest of my life, I have no idea how to proceed. I know that he likes me but I don’t know how long it’s gonna take for him to get it together and if he’ll even make a move when he does. I already waited 3 months before asking him out so I feel like i’ve already waited a long time. Plus there’s this other guy (i’ll call him V) who I just met (on Friday night, actually, right before all this blew up) who’s really nice and seems like a good guy and has made it clear that he wants to date me but I don’t know him like I know A. Like I don’t wanna lead V on and get to know him only to have A decide that he’s ready to ask me out bc I know I’ll choose A over V. and I don’t wanna hurt V like that bc he’s a good guy and he doesn’t deserve that. But at the same time, i dont wanna throw away something that might be really good bc what if A doesnt get his shit together and we end up not happening?

So yeah im stuck and I have no idea what to do and I really need some help.

#y'all pls i know this is long but im literally so overwhelmed and i need advice #ely talks

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moidse · 6 years ago

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I honestly think you have a lot of toxic unhealthy behaviors that I overlooked and didn’t speak up about. You are manipulative, mentally unstable, have commitment issues, and have deep set issues with your own whiteness you need to process. You told me how you are addicted to sex and cheated on your ex and you told that story in a way that justified you cheating.. which that’s manipulative and just shitty. i understand that relationship was toxic but it sounds like it went both ways, at least in this case. You cheated on me at axis and then tried to justify it by saying you were drunk, i wasn’t there, it was quick, it meant nothing, you’re poly... you don’t seem to own up to cheating and hurting your partners feelings and that’s really toxic. I honestly don’t think you’re poly. There is a difference between wanting full freedom to just sleep with/make out with anyone that gives you the slightest bit of attention and having multiple relationships with respect and boundaries and where you can cheat. You want “relationship anarchy” because you’re addicted to sex and attention and you aren’t self aware enough to admit any of this. Instead you’d rather hurt your partners feelings and then act like I shouldn’t be hurt the whole night. I bought the tickets for that night, bought alcohol to drink beforehand, arranged a place for us to stay in cbus, i put so much time into organizing that night to have a fun date with you and less than 30minutes of being there you cheated on me with a random stranger at the bar and had the audacity to act like that shouldn’t hurt my feelings. you don’t care about my feelings. you care about yourself only. you are always the victim. I was hurt that night and wanted distance from you because you literally cheated on me while we were on a date and i am the bad guy because i needed distance from you for a minute and went to the bathroom? I am not trying to make like of you being triggered about sexual assault, but I will say that night you never said that’s why you were upset, we just talked in circles mostly about you making out with that dude and it became clear to me that what we both were talking about wasn’t the same thing. You just said you fucked up and didn’t say what you thought you even did. The next day you said you thought Bob the Drag Queen called you out for being a bad white person and that’s a big red flag. You clearly have a lot you need to process with your whiteness if you thought that this famous drag queen was watching you in this large crowd and calling you out. You have a lot to unpack. But also, just the idea that you felt unsafe being in a club without me for less than 5 minutes seems odd to me. You, me and austin were all by ourselves during that period of time and you were the only one to claim you felt unsafe from assault. With that logic we all could’ve been assaulted, we were all alone during those 5 min. It’s just so hard to tell what is actually going through your head and what is the truth and what is you trying to manipulate the situation to get what you want. I think that you had a freak out episode and ruined the night for me and austin and later said you felt unsafe because of assault so that it wasn’t like you ruined the night because you have personal issues with your whiteness. You always point the finger to trauma instead of your own personal toxic behavior or personal issues you need to unravel. You honestly have a lot of personal shit you need to process from everything that went on that night and even on new years dude. I was personally getting a bit emotionally exhausted from being your verbal punching bag and hearing how i am so bad and mean to you and then the next day having you crawl back and say youre sorry and you were just triggered. .. like that’s toxic as fuck. the person who says they love me and care about me constantly talks shit to me and says i’m so terrible and hurt them then later says oh jk. like the whole time you would have these episodes i’d just think one of these days you’re not gonna turn around and say jk i was triggered but you are gonna say you meant all those hurtful things. and even if you later apologize i shouldn’t have to normalize my partner coming for me anytime they are having a bad time that doesnt even have to do with me. I should’ve had the hindsight to end it when you first did this on the car ride home from missouri. that was the first time you showed this toxic behavior you have and i let it be with the thought of if this becomes a pattern i cant be with you... and this past week it had become a pattern. I don’t know what you need to process but you shouldn’t be taking it out on your innocent partner.

It was super unhealthy that you felt like you were in love with me so early on.. I dont think you ever admitted to me how early on because you knew it was abnormally early and that isn’t healthy. You don’t know me after a few days or a week. You fell in love with my image and the idea of me through hot&bothered. Why else would you feel comfortable inviting me on a trip with you after we hung out twice? (Not to mention the second time we hung out was super awkward and ended with you asking if i wanted pussy kisses then getting awkward and you asked me if i wanted to continue having sex and i said yes and then you said oh i dont and then i said well we can continue watching insecure and you just awkwardly were like... im gonna leave.) But you knew you really liked me based on the 2 times we hung out and hooked up. that’s just not healthy dude.

I felt like this whole relationship was me being that bad guy and owning all of my toxic behaviors and owning all of my personal issues i need to work on while you dodged all of yours and pretended like you aren’t a shitty person and it’s just trauma. It can be both. You can have shitty happens based on your trauma, I do and so do you. I was just really disappointed that you still never once were being real about making out with that dude. You never once said that truth which is that someone was giving you attention and wanted to make out, you were down and didn’t care about me in that moment. That’s the truth. It just hurt because I’ve never cheated on anyone and I would have never done that to you, I guess the equivalent would be me seeing my ex and making out and acting like you shouldn’t be hurt because “I’m poly!, I was drunk! You weren’t there! It meant nothing!” it’s just like all of these excuses show you knew it hurt my feelings and it was a shitty thing to do on our date .. you knew it was shitty which is why you have never owned up to it.. and that was the biggest red flag of all to me.. you just cheated and then said excuses... but i guess i should’ve known since you told me you have a history of cheating and you down played it so hard like it wasn’t shitty and disrespectful. It just felt like how am I supposed to trust you?

You telling me twice that you have bad anxiety a night we dont hang out because you are afraid I’m gonna randomly hook up with someone I like more than you and leave you I believe is ultimately a reflection of your own habits and behaviors. You are afraid I’m going to do that to you because it’s something you would do. I literally have zero interest in hooking up or making out with strangers, it does nothing for me. Also, it’s hypocritical to say you worry about me hooking up with someone else and then in the same sentence say that if i did hook up with someone else you’d be happy for me. That doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t make sense that you can cheat on me and make out with someone at the bar and then have the excuse of “well i’m poly” .. like being poly doesnt mean you cant cheat. You literally texted me in the past week saying you can’t believe you are in a monogamous relationship and are into it. I made it clear early on when you were being shadey and manipulative saying you wanted to make “friends” on tinder, which who makes friends on a dating site based solely on appearance, anyways, I told you I wasn’t comfortable with that. and you got so upset with me when i told you I just TEXTED abby. she didn’t even reply but you were saying i was being a snake for even texting her and hitting her up without telling you... but you can go make out with a stranger and it’s okay because you’re poly but when i’m trying to be poly and just text someone I need to tell you before hand.. that’s some manipulative assbackwards bullshit. You aren’t poly. You are manipulative and just want full control. You don’t care about my feelings being hurt as long as you are getting the attention you want.

You said i pressure you into having sex. Can you tell me one time when I pressured you into having sex with me? Where you said you didn’t want to and I coaxed you into it anyways? I’ll wait...

You did however pressure me into having you meet my family. Constantly bringing up how you havent met my mom... it clearly bothered you. You coaxed me to post about you on social media, asking me to put you in my year review post... it’s just like why? so you can text me a week later and say you dont want to be in a relationship with me?

And to top it all off, it was super shitty of you to act like you wanted to be together yesterday texting me telling me you miss me and just acting like things were back to normal .. and even fishing for an invite to hang out with me and ashley in cincinnati, because lets be real THATS WHAT YOU WERE FISHING FOR!! not to meet off the side of the highway for a hug-- like how was I even supposed to infer that.. but anyways, it just shows how you are just a piece of shit person that you tried to coax me into inviting you to hang out and meet my friend and I said no and then an hour later you dumped me over text and in the same text say you still wanna go to these shows with me. Those shows are public events. you can still go. but why would i wanna go to them with you?? you dont even respect me enough to break up with me in person. You don’t respect me enough to not cheat at the first glance of someone giving you attention. You are manipulative, mentally unstable, have deep issues with any form of commitment, and deep issues with your own whiteness. And that’s the Lipton.

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trendingnewsb · 8 years ago

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Why I aborted 2 very wanted pregnancies

April held several anniversaries for me. The anniversary of an unrealized due date, the anniversary of an ended pregnancy, the anniversary of my birth40 years ago this year. All three of these dates gave me pause to reflect on the choices Ive made.

Choice. The word feels big and comes up often lately. When faced with my strong-willed 3-and-a-half-year-old son, Ive learned to give him only two choices or else Id lose my mind. On a larger scale, Im considering leaving a career Ive pursued for over two decades and whether or not to add to our family. Such choices are par for the course as we grow and enter new phases in our lives.

But more significantly, Ive been thinking about the right to choose in the debate over abortion, which is not only threatened under the Trump administration, but also often misunderstood. The nuances that can go into making a choice to end a pregnancy are often unseen, unspoken, and never casual.

Unfortunately, my husband and I were faced with this choice. Twice. We terminated two very wanted pregnancies. To put it bluntly, Ive had two abortions.

And as our government tries to strip us of our reproductive rights, I am reminded how lucky I am to have the financial means and to live in a state where laws didnt prevent me from the choices I made. My abortions left me heartbroken, changed, and grief-strickenthat is indisputable. But everyone should be granted those choices. Those are choices Id still make today.

. . .

Itd be easy to peg me as your typical pro-choice advocate. I grew up in a liberal household. Feminism was at the core of my progressive private Los Angeles high school education. I went to a super hippie-dippy college where grades were for eggs, not people. But while I was taught to think critically about various perspectives, I was primarily surrounded by politically and socially like-minded individuals. To be honest, I never questioned whether I was pro-choice. I just was.

Photo via World Cant Wait/Flickr (CC-BY)

And then I visited a Body Worlds exhibit. This particular show featured skeletal muscles, nervous systems, and healthy and diseased organs to demonstrate the complexity of the human body. It also included a wall of 42 embryo and fetuses preserved in a glass case.

These embryos and fetuses were humanized by Body Worlds. I saw their form and I saw their potential. I saw them as life. (Not so dissimilarly as I saw the meat that I no longer ate when I became a vegetarian 10 years prior.) I remember very clearly, standing over a nine-week embryo in a glass case thinking that I believed in choice, but couldnt imagine making such a choice.

Fast forward 10 years.

I became pregnant in the summer of 2011. In September, I went in for the routine 13-week NT scan, the ultrasound that assesses your babys risk of having chromosomal abnormalities. That day, we found out that our babys nuchal fold thickness was outside of the normal range.

We sat with the genetic counselor as we gave our histories (nothing outside of the ordinary) and was given a primer on statistics and chromosomes and karyotypes and various horrifying conditions. At that point, we still didnt know exactly what it all meant for our child.

As we drove home, my husband, through his stifled tears, said to me, We cant think of it as a baby. I remember feeling aggressively defensive at my husbands reality. I had stared at the doctors screen and saw a body. I had stared at my belly and saw it swollen. Of course, it was a baby. That was never a question for me.

Test results confirmed that our baby had a significant chance of having some kind of severe abnormality that could be fatal or would likely cause him to suffer. We consulted doctors, got second opinions, and endured more testing. We were candidly, though not casually, advised by doctors to terminate and try again. And at 14 weeks, thats what we did. We made our choice.

I grieved, I processed, I sat on the couch in therapy and tried to find meaning in my experience. I planted a letter in an olive tree that I had written to our son, explaining to him why we made our decision, and that it was ultimately a decision made out of love.

I became pregnant again, at the beginning of 2012. This babys due date was exactly one year after we terminated the previous pregnancy. I found solace in that kind of synchronicity.

But of course, when I went to my routine 13-week NT scan, I was still anxious.

As I lay on the exam bed, facing a flatscreen monitor with just my name and my estimated due date, the technician asked me, Would you like me to turn the monitor off after you confirm the information is correct?

She was asking if I wanted to see my baby. Without hesitation, I told her to leave it on. I did not take my eyes off him. Here was my baby alive and living inside of me.

Soon, though, my husband and I would be faced with the same godawful, painful decision that we had made just months before.

This time around, my babys NT scan showed that his nuchal fold thickness measured twice the normal size, putting his life at even more risk than our first. My husband and I searched for a medical explanation or any scientific data that could give us an understanding as to why this happened to us not once, but twice. I scoured medical journal articles and reached what felt like the end of the internet looking for affirmations that I could carry my baby to term and not feel like I was putting my child at a significantly abnormal great risk by bringing him into the world.

We sat with the facts, the data, the expert opinions as well as second and third and fourth opinions. I had a CVS, a microarray, a full counsel on recessive testing. We had ultrasounds with specialists at both Cedars-Sinai and UCLA. We reached out to various genetic and prenatal and neonatal specialists. We made it our job to find an answer.

Despite the extensive research on my pregnancies and all of the testing, every doctor we saw was at a loss to explain why this developed with our babies twice and couldnt come up with anything beyond compassionately telling us it was two strokes of bad luck.

We made our choice. Again.

. . .

I think about what our story would have looked like under different circumstances. In another state. With abortion restrictions. With fewer means. Fewer resources. What that trajectory could have looked like in a parallel universe. And it makes me realize that while others might not agree with our choiceand I certainly can understand why some do notit was our choice to make, not our governments. It was philosophical, it was personal, and it was ours.

The Oklahoma House of Representatives passed a billin March that would ban all abortions based on genetic abnormalities. In other words, Oklahoma legislators believe that the agonizing choice that my husband and I made as a couple, both times, should have been theirs to make. Theyd get to make this choice for us even though they would do nothing to support the aftermath of that decision: setting aside funding for his medical care, holding our hands while he underwent a lifetime of treatments, alleviating our pain if he died not long after birth.

In Kentucky, there is only one abortion clinic left in the state. One in 40,400 square miles, and the governor just tried to close it. In that scenario, I think about the big-picture trajectory again: If my husband and I lived in Kentucky and we didnt have a car or have the funds to get to the closest clinic and subsequently had a child with severe and costly life threatening medical issuesa child whom may or may not have been even able to survive after being bornwhere would we all be now?

But in what could be the most damaging legislation given my situation, the Texas Senate just passed two obscenely restrictive bills: One outlawing dilation and evacuation (D&E) procedures, the safest and most effective abortion procedure for women in their second trimester and what doctors used to terminate my second pregnancy; and another called the wrongful birth bill that would make it legally OK for doctors to lie to their patients about fetal abnormalities so they dont get an abortion. Yes, doctors could make the choice to withhold my babys health issues from my husband and me, while we went on in ignorance, unable to have a choice in the future of our family.

The list of laws and states and circumstances that hinder choice goes on and on.

Photo via Shutterstock

While it may seem like what the Republican Party wants to do first and foremost with such restrictive legislation is prevent women from getting abortions, that motive is only secondary. Many studies have shown that women arent going to stop choosing to have abortions under strict lawstheyll find other, unsafe means to terminate their pregnancies that could put their own lives in danger. At its core, these laws are about controlling women and perpetuating feelings of shame and guilt for making choices over their own bodies.

Women have long lived with the burdens of shame; nevertheless, we have persisted. We do not shut down after making the choice to have an abortion. We do not go through with the procedureand never feel again. I have never felt so much pain, anger, sadness, grief, and confusion as I did after choosing to end my pregnancies.

Worse than the pain I felt in their absence, though, would have been not getting to make that choice at all. And to clarify: I understand why others would not make the same choice. But being forced into a life based on a doctors whim or a legislators personal ideology, being robbed of making the best personal choice for my family, would have been a pain I could not endure.

. . .

After that 13-week appointment, I decided to make the most of each day with my son while he was still in my body. We went to the beach. I showed him the ocean and the sand. We ate Indian food, Italian food, Mexican food, Mediterranean food. I read to him. I talked to him. I sang to him. I wrote him letters daily. We listened to a lot of Florence and the Machine. I explained everything that was happening to us as best as I could, as we went into each ultrasound appointment.

After considering and reconsidering all of the information we had collected over five weeks, we made the decision to go in for a D&E the day before my 35th birthday. He was 18 weeks. I woke up on my birthday longing for him and missing him terribly.

While my husband and I grieved together, I felt oddly alone in my experience. Simply put, there was a literal voidinside of me. Unlike my husband, I had pregnancy weight gain and pain and cramping and bleeding and hormonal mood swings that were constant visceral reminders of my baby whose life we chose to end. And so I took the pain pills prescribed with wine every night as I watched countless episodes of TLCsWhat Not to Wear to escape all the pain that was too hard to feel.

Because he was a baby, my baby, we had him cremated. Until we came up with the right spot to place his ashes, I carried him around with me. Some might think it weird or dark or sick, but I couldnt fathom leaving him home alone, and so he came with me in my purse to my appointments, my errands, and my work. We eventually found his spot.

My husband and I eventually tried again seven months later. I quickly became pregnant and gave birth to our son in August 2013.

I would be lying if I said I did not often see his two brothers when I look at him. All three are part of my fabricour son is here because of them. And one day, I plan on telling him about his brothers and our journey. A journey and a family we wouldnt have without choice.