#i am sorry about the fucking full length essay i have a lot of feelings about them

[stolitzsings]

Ok I have been Chewing on this post since I first saw it bc it is so correct

Thinking also about how their relationship to touch/reaching for each other changes over time!! (thoughts below the cut bc I'm incapable of being brief)

Like Blitz is the first one to reach for Stolas (see the 2nd picture above) and initiates pretty much all physical contact in that scene. But the first thing Stolas does the next morning is reach for Blitz, even though Blitz is already gone

And then for most of season 1 we have Stolas touching Blitz, usually affectionate but always a little condescending (grabbing his cheek or tapping his face), and Blitz brushing him off or getting annoyed

Then e6 happens! As OP pointed out in their tags, in his trip Blitz is reaching for Stolas even though it means being chained. It's the first time we see Blitz reach for him since their first night together! We also see a moment of genuine care and concern from Stolas when he touches Blitz's face to make sure he's ok. And it's the first episode when Blitz initiates touch again! What's more, the WAY he initiates touch--taking charge, teasing Stolas, controlling when and how Stolas receives gratification--serves to extend their relationship beyond the bounds of their agreement. Blitz is clearly enjoying the way his touch makes Stolas squirm, and when they kiss they both have one hand on the other's face, mirroring each other, in sync for the first time

In "Ozzie's" Stolas is less pushy, offering touch and letting Blitz accept or decline. But I want to highlight one particular offer: Stolas suggesting they could cuddle instead of their usual activities when Blitz drops him off. He noticeably hesitates before making this particular offer. He's taking a risk here, proposing a different type of physical intimacy that, at this point, probably feels more vulnerable than sex. No protective pretense of "We're just using each other for pleasure and our own gain," just "I would like to hold you, and find comfort in your arms." And of course, Blitz sees this as a lie to get him into bed, because he can't believe Stolas would want to hold and be held by him.

In s2, Stolas is so much more cautious with touch. He avoids even getting too close to Blitz. The one time he does touch him is when he's trying to calm him down/hype him up before the sitcom. The way he tilts Blitz’s chin up is firm, but not forceful or condescending as it might have been a few episodes ago. There's no question of talking down to him; it's a touch that grounds and reassures him, as Stolas calls back to a relatively "safe" dialogue pattern for them. And it's a touch that Blitz evidently welcomes. Then, after rescuing him from the chaos at the studio, Blitz continues to hold on to him until they meet back up with Loona and Via. It seems like Blitz is still looking for that touch, and now Stolas is withdrawing out of fear/a desire to respect Blitz’s boundaries.

The "Just Look My Way" music video is the culmination of this, as nerdasaurus1200 points out (and chosenmango4233's tags expand on) in this excellent post. Stolas is very careful NOT to touch the moon that symbolizes Blitz for him. You can even see him reach for it in the first chorus, then pull himself back. He desperately wants to keep Blitz within his grasp but knows he can't. The end of the video is fucking devastating in terms of the reaching hands motif. When Stolas breaks the soulmate string that binds them, that break is a pair of hands still reaching for each other as they're torn apart. And THEN Stolas makes one more desperate attempt to reach him, straining to touch him, trying as hard as he can, but his worst fears are realized and he just. Falls short. Doomed to watch Blitz drift further and further away as his own despair drags him down.

In conclusion I am absolutely feral about the way their feelings are shown through this imagery. They may be terrified to express how they really feel, but their body language always betrays them

can we finally talk about the stolitz hands motif please please

[lloromanic0]

hiiii! i love ur writing and i saw you wanted more bill girlssss so here i am! do u think you could write a bill smut in his dread era (so underrated omg) ? thx🩷🩷🩷

Love all my Bill girls.

(Thank you so much for the request & for liking my writing!! I actually really liked writing this one.)

SMUT MDNI

Lil summary: needy Bill has been craving you for days.

He’s so majestic omfg

You sat on the bed with your laptop on top of you, you had a long essay to hand in till the end of the week. Since you needed total concentration for it you told your boyfriend, Bill, you needed some alone time.You had been working on it for the past 5 hours, your sweet boyfriend would sometimes come inside the room quietly to hand you another water or bring you some snacks and you couldn’t be more grateful for him.

With all your university work, and his life as a lead singer you hadn’t been having much time for each other and that was really messing with Bill, he didn’t want to make you mad or bother you but all these nights he had to spend with a aching boner for you were driving him crazy.

After 20 minutes your boyfriend came inside the room but this time he just sat on the edge of the bed looking at you. At first you thought he just wanted to be close to you even if you weren’t doing anything together, but the way he kept looking at you felt like it was something else.

“Bill? What is it mein Fürst?“ you asked.

He looked down has he played with his fingers on his lap.

“I just…really miss you..” he replied with a sad voice, you thought he was so cute like that.

“I can take a break if you want.”

His eyes lit up, those beautiful brown eyes you adored so much.

“Come sit next to me.” He crawled on the bed and sat down. You placed your hand on his thigh.

“Tell me about what you’ve been doing lately, I’m very sorry we’re not spending a lot of time together my love.”

Bill talked about the plans he was making with the band, how the practice they he had yesterday went, how he wanted to take you to this new cafe he saw, you just loved hearing him talk about anything.

“But at night…it’s when I miss you the most Y/N…”

“Why is that Bill?” You knew exactly what he meant, you heard him at night trying to get off quietly next to you, but his little moans betrayed him.

“I miss your touch and your body on mine..” oh god how cute was he so needy for you. You rubbed his thigh moving to the inner part. His already hard cock begging for you but a hand job wouldn’t be enough to satisfy him he needed more.

“Baby…let me fuck you please..” he never asks for it you usually just take the lead and he does whatever you want, he must be really desperate.

You just smile at him and lay on the bed.

“I’m all yours Billy.”

He gets on top of you, you could see his hard cock poke through his sweatpants as he lowers them to free his aching erection. He takes your shorts off along with your panties, he felt like your pussy was calling for him, he needed to be buried deep inside of you.

Using his hands he spread your folds rubbing the tip of his cock on your clit, his whimpers filling the room as you admired your beautiful boyfriend pleasuring you.

Just the rubbing of his cock on your pussy was enough to drive him crazy but he craved the feeling of being inside your warm hole.

He slowly and gently insert himself in you, making you get used to his cock, no matter how many times you had sex with him getting used to his huge length always took a little bit of time. After rocking his hips slowly for a few minutes, he picked up his pace in desperation, leaning down to capture your lips in a deep kiss, you hugged him tight making him feel safe in your embrace, as he kept fucking you passionately. This moment being what he had wished for the most this past weeks, being inside you having your touch for him, you paying full attention to him was all he needed.

“Am I- making you feel good Y/N?” He questioned, he loved hearing you reassure him.

“So good~ you’re being so good for me Bill…mhhm keep going just like that-“ You praised him.

Your kind words were all he needed to get sent over the edge, now slapping his hips deep into you in a way to reach the orgasm he so desperately needed, his thumb now rubbing your clit to help you reach your orgasm with him.

“Cum with me mhhmn- please Y/N.”

“I’ll cum with you baby~ aahh just- keep going for me.”

His hips now getting week and his legs trembling as he kept getting closer to his release, your moans now louder and more frequent,in a few seconds you came all over his dick, coating it in your wet juices, the erotic sight made Bill cum with a few more strokes, his thick seed coating your insides as he kept slowly moving his hips riding his orgasm and also making you enjoy yours a little longer.

As he slowly pulled out,his huge load he had been keeping inside him all these days, slightly dripped out of your hole,with his finger he pushed his cum back into you making you exhale sharply.

“Thank you for this meine Liebling.“ he kissed you once more “I really missed you…”

“I missed you to meine Schatz. Ich liebe dich.“ you replied smiling at him.

“Ich liebe dich mehr…“ he shyly replied.

[rollercoasterwords]

☕️

Okay, I want to know your feelings about Jegulus. Do you see this ship as canon in any way? What is appealing and what can be not good about it, in your book?

hahaha boy oh boy well. hm lots to unpack here let's see.

i mean first off full disclosure right off the bat i am currently. writing two jegulus fics. so! clearly i do enjoy the ship in certain contexts and think it can be quite compelling. when i first heard about it i had very little interest but i was drawn in by, of course, the opportunities for angst and tangled relationship webs and also further exploration of the dynamic sirius has with his brother.

when it comes to canon, though, i tend to be a bit iffier about jegulus. i've never written jegulus in a canon-compliant universe and don't really have a desire to, but i have read one or two interpretations of their relationship that i enjoyed. but what i enjoy about their dynamic in canon is, predictably, the angst, and the exploration of the darker aspects of regulus's character and how james deals with that darkness. and of course the pain of jily later on down the line if regulus is watching james move on and fall in love with someone else <3

in general, though, i mostly enjoy jegulus in aus. and to be honest...i don't even really read much jegulus or seek it out. like, i have 212 hp fics bookmarked on ao3 (i bookmark fics i've read + enjoyed + want to be able to find again later) and only 7 of those are jegulus. and 2 are background jegulus lmao. so!

as for what is appealing about it. i like looking at regulus as a character who has a bit of a skewed moral compass and gets tangled up in fucked-up shit and doesn't realize he's in over his head until it's too late. i think that character creates a really fun setup for all sorts of different storylines. and i like exploring james as a character who feels an intense pressure to be like...this paragon of goodness, whose goodness is then challenged by his entanglement with regulus and the lengths that he's willing to go to for a person who he knows is just...kind of fucked-up and has done fucked-up things. like which of our own morals are we willing to sacrifice in the name of love? that question really compels me in the jegulus dynamic. and of course the messy relationship between james + sirius + regulus, exploring the black family home dynamic more and the ways it shaped sirius + regulus differently, james as a focal point of like...escape and goodness that they both turn to, in a way that sort of tugs him in different directions...honestly i just think there's a lot that can be really compelling about the ship!

that being said. what can not be good about it....well. look. everyone is allowed to enjoy this ship and these characters in whatever way they want. of course!!! however. since u ASKED. i am taking this as license to be a little bit of a hater <3

i have of course already written my rambling little philosophical essay on what i think went wrong with the jegulus fandom, so i won't go in depth on the confluence of factors that turned jegulus into such a cesspit. however i will say that the reason i don't really seek out jegulus fic very much and tend to just stick to like...reading the stuff my friends write bc i know i can trust them lmao is because i think that many of the things i find compelling about jegulus in the first place sort of get stripped away in a lot of popular fanon. like if regulus isn't morally bad in some ways i do feel like...that is just not the character i'm interested in. if there is no darkness or angst to it....well. it is not my cup of tea xx also an unpopular opinion i have is that i do not particularly want regulus to have friends lmao like i just am not really a fan of the little group of friends that has been created for him...i'm so sorry but i do not think pandora and regulus black would hang out xx and i am a barty + evan hater so i simply have no desire to read about those guys either xx

the last hater note that i will add. i cannot STAND seeing timothee chalamet's face everywhere thanks 2 the jegulus fandom. i absolutely need people to stop acting like regulus was a gorgeous little twinky model (NOT! that i think timothee chalamet is gorgeous. people act like he's the paragon of divine beauty tho). sirius is the only character in my book who u can get away with fancasting as a celebrity the rest of them....well they are all just guys. timothee chalamet is also simply my parasocial enemy i want to grind that man into dust simply for the way people foam at the mouth over him when u can walk into any intro creative writing course at a liberal arts college and find five men who look exactly the same. and that's my two cents on that!

[venomremmy777]

-sigh-

A lot of you did not understand my last post, so let me explain

I KNOW THAT SAYING A SHIP IS CANON IS MEMEING

Hell, I do the very same thing MYSELF. I know they’re just enjoying ships, but some people GENUINELY think the ship is canon. As usual, the MHA fandom took this too literally, and too generally, so let me walk you through this-

Horikoshi: Makes Deku play a big role in helping Todoroki from his trauma, and gives fanservice

The Fandom: OMG TODODEKU CANON

I know when people say TodoDeku is canon, if any, they’re joking. I originally wasn’t going to put TodoDeku, since it wouldn’t make much sense to put it. But I decided to anyways, but just as a lead. That’s all it was, a lead, into this-

Horikoshi: Has Uraraka get a crush on Deku

The Fandom: NO! IZUOCHA CANON NOW, NOT TODODEKU

Honestly this doesn’t have much importance either, I was just adding the TodoDeku vs IzuOcha stuff for relevance, and the fact I wanted to include as many mainstream ships as possible, without targeting one group.

Horikoshi: Writes an intimate and relationship between Momo and Jirou

The fandom: THEY’RE LESBIANS! 🥰

A lot of people GENUINELY think this. Jirou has been shown to blush or get shy around girls, and her Momo are often featured next to each other in Horikoshis sketch’s, BLUSHING. No, no- I’m not saying they’re canon, I’m just saying canon things. Take it as you will.

But…

Horikoshi: Makes Jirou the most important person to Kaminari

The fandom: IF THATS NOT ON THE ROAD TO CANON IDK WHAT IS! 😍

Okay so, now that Jirou is important to Kaminari, all of a sudden the MomoJirou stuff is irrelevant? KamiJirou is considered one of the most canon BNHA ships in the MHA fandom, because of this. But how come people considered MomoJirou a possibility, but they don’t now? And yes, I know, not everyone thinks that. Some people think KamiJirou is canon and others think MomoJirou is, I don’t really think anyone changed their minds on this one.

Idk if you’ve caught on, but I was mainly targeting a certain group, I just added other ships for fillers and meme- purposes. I also didn’t want to seem biased or like I was attacking, but I suppose I’ll have to since y’all did an r/whooosh

Horikoshi: Says he likes TodoMom-

The fandom: cOnFiRmEd

Again…we’re just going to brush off the MomoJirou progress? Or the fact Todoroki and Momo don’t have a lot of screentime. Yes, Horikoshi likes Todomomo. That does give it a high chance and I DO Love this ship! But a creator liking a ship doesn’t make it canon! Trust me, other fandoms, other experiences…

People genuinely think TodoMomo is canon too. Not like a funny “Haha Todoroki is looking at her in this background panel” No, I mean FULL ON, SERIOUS, ESSAY-LENGTH EXPLANATIONS and GENUINE beliefs

Horikoshi: Writes an arc about KiriBaku and their importance to each other, giving subtle hints and a shit ton of “coincidental” evidence

The fandom: GUYS LOOOOOK! MORE KRBK PROOF! KIRIBAKU CANON! 😍

Welp, here it is. The first of the three I was targeting, and my own fandom. I am, in fact, one of those delusional people, who thinks it’s actually canon. But I am well aware the LGBT does not have the upper hand in a Shounen genre, but I like to hope. Hope that maybe, just maybe, we can find peace here. I wasn’t really talking about the fact of Krbks calling KRBK canon, cause that would have been hypocritical of me. I meant the fact that at a certain point, Kirishima and Bakugo’s relationship was focused on so much in 2018, it basically became this trend. Where EVERYONE thought this ship had a chance. Because they seemed to ALWAYS BE NEXT TO EACH OTHER

You’re probably thinking,”What’s the point of this then?”

Well, here’s the point-

Horikoshi: Drops them to focus on Bakugo and Deku’s redemption and relationship building

Fandom: Oop- GUESS BKDK IS CANON NOW 😄🤭 So sad, I wanted KiriBaku/ IzuOcha oh well 😔

Okay here’s the thing, with the KRBK vs BKDK, I meant it more of a platonic or general sense. People seem to think that just because Kirishima and Bakugo haven’t interacted in a hundred chapters they’re suddenly irrelevant to each other?! As if they aren’t at least friends anymore?!?! I’ve seen people say “Kirishima was used for Bakugo’s redemption so he could get along better with Deku, so now there’s no need for him anymore” Um…no? KiriBakus development is a WHOLE OTHER THING FROM BKDK DEVELOPMENT. And all of you fellow Krbks- Stop crying a river because they haven’t interacted for 100 chapters! Bakugo and Deku redeeming their friendship is important!! LET THE BKDKS HAVE THIS! It’s what they wanted. Just because Deku and Bakugo are becoming friends, doesn’t mean Kirishima and Bakugo aren’t. So, just stop. Please. You don’t become best friends with each other and then all of a sudden say “Hey dude, your important to me n’ all, but there’s this other guy who I used to be friends with, but I kinda bullied him, so…Kinda gotta fix my relationship with him. Anyways lmao bye sEe yA nEVEr-“ I’m preeetttyyy sure that’s not how it works.

A lot of you might say, “No one says that” Oh, Ho, Really?

Now, finally, the last serious one…

Horikoshi: Gives Kirishima and Mina a chapter

The fandom: KiRiMinA cOnfiRmEd

This one I am being DEADASS serious. Horikoshi decided to finally introduce the arc where Kirishima gets over what happened in middle school, and Minas importance or lack thereof, whatever, to him. He saved her, and Mina did a new move “Acid Man” inspired by “UNBREAKABLE”. And apparently, this was leading to the road of being endgame. HELL- Even some Krbks were pouting like, “Yeah, but with the way the manga is going KiriMina is going to be endgame” OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS. Again! Just fuck the Krbk development right?! Just fuck it all! Because apparently, they can’t have other relationships of them focused on, without you thinking THATS going to be canon instead. Before you call me biased and delusional, MORE PROOF 👇

The last “IiDaDeKu” one was clearly just a meme, a funny, trending note to end on.

Please oh please understand the purpose of this!! It’s too make those of you doing this award of how guillable you’re being- and that NO SHIPS ARE CANON UNTIL THEY ACTUALLY ARE, FOR NOW ITS JUST POTENTIAL

And as a joke!! So we can LAUGH together about how much of a MESS this fandom is!

I mean- Fuck- I just had to explain a joke to you!!!

Also I’m sorry about my attitude but the replies made me pissed- Y’all made me sound like an Anti or a dude bro

WHO I HATE WITH EVERY SINGLE FIBER IN MY BEING

So don’t compare me to them again!!

I have a feeling- A STRONG feeling, some of y’all will think I’m just being rude and stupid, and I have no right to be mad, and STILL won’t get the purpose or joke of my last post, but if you do…

THANK YOU

BONUS:

Yes I do understand enjoying ships actually. Shipping is my whole life, I more than understand the difference between shipping for fun and shipping for a purpose. I get that some people ship as a comfort and others a hobby. I know it’s both platonic and romantic. I understand it’s not only to pair people together but to explore different possibilities. I know the difference between wanting your ship to be canon and genuinely thinking it is. I know shipping is for enjoyment, and it’s not about which becomes canon. I KNOW people are joking when they say it’s canon, but in the case with some of these they aren’t. And yeah, I know it’s a minority, but it’s an annoying, LOUD minority. No shit Sherlock people say certain ships are canon as a joke when they get crumbs

NO FUCKING DUH

[moondustis]

remember when (m)

pairing: jaehyun + reader genre: angst, smut, soulmate!au, rich kid!au, convenience marriage!au, hurt/comfort, college!au (more details + warnings after read more)  word count: 12,7k summary: A story about vulnerability and the lines we draw to avoid it. About soulmates, desires, setting yourself free. And, of course, a story about love and discovering exactly what it is. song recs: skin by mac miller and pure love by hayley williams 

warnings: there are some mentions of drug use, brief mention of mental issues, bad parenting. just overall some subjects that might not be comfortable to read like i usually put on my fics but it's nothing out of the ordinary, and nothing graphics happens!  disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. none of the events described are real or are an accurate representation of the people and brands named. 

a/n: i would like to thank mary (neostains) for requesting this fic and cami (caiuscassiuss) for helping me with some informations about how ivy leagues work lol. this is my longest work so far, i think, and it’s a very special one. i hope you guys enjoy it! 

✶

There was a time in your childhood where you remember being obsessed with princess movies. Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, name a fairytale and you would have probably watched it a couple of times, entranced by the images playing on the newest television your father had bought.

Isn’t it fucked up that young girls are always fed this stereotypical image of love? It’s like a woman is not good for anything but to love someone, to be a half until she found the other and became whole. At 8 you ate that up like no one else.

At 11 your mother hires someone to give you a talk, about how the world worked and about the weird name that would appear in your arm once you turned 18. It feels like a lecture, the woman telling you about perfect matches, the probabilities of love and soulmates in a flat tone that didn’t make you feel as excited as you did watching the fairytales you used to like. When you tell your friends at school about it, they act surprised at the way you were told and instead, tell you about the stories about meeting your true love their own parents had shared.

At 15, your mother enrolls you in preparatory school, with full theatricals about intellects and getting into the best college possible so you can do your duty as heir of your father’s company when it becomes necessary.

It takes you a while, but you realize finally that love is nothing compared to money when you see for the first time that the name on your mother's wrist is not your fathers. Not long after that, you find out that for the sake of the company, you would be marrying Jung Jaehyun, heir of the second biggest automobilistic company in the country.

At 18 you think romance and love are trivial things.

⋄

NOVEMBER, 2013

It’s a harsh winter, one that makes your hands tremble and your head hurt more than usual.

You rub at your temples as you make your way down the hallway as students pass by you at the same pace as yours to get to their next class. A dreading routine, one that is so busy it leaves you with no time to think of anything else but the essay you have to write, or the grade you have been waiting to receive.

Today, though, your headache is so intense that your mind is filled with nothing but a black void.

Despite that, you walk in small steps to your literature lecture. Your bag feels as heavy as your head and the thick wool sweater you have on is barely enough to keep you warm, legs shivering from the stupid skirt they made you wear. Knee length, of course, but still a bother to sit and move.

Fuck boarding school, is what you think as you pass a group of boys talking loudly. One of them has a Harvard pin on his cardigan, you notice in the back of your mind. It only makes you feel sicker.

The first bell rings and you realize how slow you have been really walking. A faster pace, a muttered curse and then the second bells makes you feel like your ears are melting, headache increasing. Now you’re late, a rare occurrence that will probably not affect your records in any way, but still, makes you walk faster.

It all happens very fast. You turn into the corridor that leads to your classroom but not a second later you’re bumping straight into someone, books in your hand scattering to the floor and head spinning from the impact. It’s hard keeping your balance, but the harsh grip on your forearms helps and then you’re opening your eyes, that you didn't notice you had squeezed shut in the first place.

“Fuck, I’m really sorry.” The voice is familiar but the curse feels alien on your ears. Jung Jaehyun never curses, he has manners better than that. “I’m running late and walking too fast.”

He mumbles and you almost snort at the obviousness of it all. At the fact you were literally doing the same thing. “It’s okay. I should’ve been paying more attention.” There’s no reason for either of you to be apologizing, is what you think about as your hand immediately moves to your temple again in hopes pressing on it will cease the pain.

He’s looking right at you when you finally meet his eyes. His face is painted with embarrassment, the red hue on his ears a dead giveaway. He doesn’t keep eye contact for more than five second, instead moving to pick up your books for you. “Still, I’m very sorry.” He sounds polite, as always. The curse from before is still fresh on your mind.

You had met Jung Jaehyun at the age of 9, not that you remember exactly how it went. Some random brunch where you and him sat side by side as your mothers talked about whatever was happening seven years ago. You remember your old nanny being there, and how she asked sweetly if you would like more juice. You remember missing her when she got fired three weeks later for unrelated matters that were never told to you. And that’s about it.

After that, the years passed with Jaehyun being a weird presence in your life. The rich kids ran in the same circles, that didn’t take you a long time to realize and wherever you went he was there too.

German classes at 11, the birthday party of the daughter of someone you didn't know at 12, etiquette classes at 13. An event for your father's company at 14, one of his fathers at 15 and now at 16, attending the same boarding school and having to meet each other like this, with awkward smiles and polite conversation. Because navigating a relationship you didn't know the other very well, but too well at the same time was a weird thing to do.

Jung Jaehyun was like you, but at the same time he wasn't. You were friends but at the same time merely acquaintances.

But this you remember vividly: him asking you random things at german classes and making you laugh with his awkward pronunciation. Him eating cake by your side at the birthday party, covering his lips before he asked you if you like chocolate or vanilla more. Him making fun of you quietly for dropping down your fork loudly in the middle of etiquette class. Him standing awkwardly by your side while you got reprimanded by your mother during the event, for not properly remembering the name of a lady that came to greet you, your head down as you forced yourself not to cry in front of him.

And then, his father clapping yours on the back after they talked about how lovely it would be if someday the two of you got married to join economic forces. No, not someday. When you two got married.

You, pretending he didn't exist after that day, because you realized that this too you wouldn't get to decide.

Jaehyun clears his throat, hands you your books. “How is your father?” He asks, a stupid question to ask when you're both late. A stupid question to ask, period.

You try not to grimace. “He's okay. Alive.” And then he’s chuckling lowly, awkwardly.

“That’s good, no company to run at 16 then.” He tries to joke and it's amusing, in a way that for someone else might not be. But you two are the same, at least when it comes to this.

“And hopefully never.” A stupid thing to hope for, but still he smiles at you.

Then the moment is over, the third alarm sounds and both your eyes shoot open and you’re muttering goodbyes before heading to your classes.

Your head still hurts, but you don’t feel as cold anymore.

⋄

2015

Anticipation, isn’t that just a fancier word to describe the gut feeling that something is going to happen? Worst yet when you know exactly what it is, but have no possible ways of knowing the possible outcome.

There’s a window behind your advisor, with a view to the field where the lacrosse team practices. You watch it with a lack of interest as the older lady flips through pages and more pages of what is possibly your future.

No, not possibly. Definitely your future. Because at least to this, you knew the only outcome possible.

It’s a pretty day, one that shouldn’t be spent inside a room with wood furniture and shelves and more shelves of books, that are almost as many as the certificates on the wall. Not when it also happens to be your birthday.

“This is a really good essay, ___. You have a talent with words.” Your advisor breaks the silence in a flat voice despite it being a compliment. It makes your eyes immediately refocus on her but she gives you no time yet to reply. “I am sure the admission team will read it with interest.”

“Thank you.” A polite smile reaches your lips. She was never much of a praiser, not that she needed to be. Your last name carried all the confidence you needed to have for a thing like this.

And, perhaps the interest they would be having would be exactly about that. What does the only heir of the biggest automotive company in the country have to offer for Stanford? Probably a lot, with a weight that heavy on her shoulders.

“You have started applications to only two schools, are you sure you would not like to add more?” Now she says it in a weirdly soft tone. Persuasion, because it would look good for the school that one of their best students accepted to all the ivy leagues. Your GPA would make sure of that, but that's not all.

“I don’t see the point. Stanford has always been my only choice.” You say it as nicely as possible because this is an old conversation.

“I see, well. This is it then, there's a few other students interested in attending Stanford too." She smiles bitterly, gathering the papers and putting it back on their respective folders. "But the chances of you getting in are very good. I'm sure all your hard work will pay off.”

You go to thank her but at that moment there's a pinch on your arm that leaves you distracted. It's followed by a weird burning sensation that doesn't cease when you grip it underneath the table as gently as possible. If anything, the fabric of your cardigan only makes it worse.

She bids you your goodbyes, with pleasantries exchanged but when you reach the door to leave she interrupts. “Oh, I almost forgot. Happy birthday, ____.” She smiles when you turn to thank her. “Please enjoy the rest of the day, turning 18 is very special.”

With a small bitter smile and promise to do so, you leave the room.

You reach your dorm room in no time, a stoic face on but with quick steps. And you try not to think about it, but the burning sensation on your arms continues.

It goes like this:

You close the door behind you gently, dropping your things down and immediately crumbling as you slide to the floor, unable to stand still anymore. You cry, for the second time today because birthdays were just not good. For about 10 minutes that's all that happens, your silent sobs and complete silence filling the room.

The burning in your arms stays there as a painful reminder and it tempts you to look, even though you know that the outcome didn't matter, not for you. Because behind blurry teary eyes you can see perfectly the image of your own mother's arm and the name of someone you didn't know, that she probably also didn't.

Because you are now 18 and you think romance and love are trivial things, that's all they could be.

You are now 18, and when you can't stand not knowing for another minute, you raise the sleeve of your cardigan and the name Jung Jaehyun is there on your wrist.

An ugly, incredulous laugh leaves your lips and soon turns into a sob. Of course it had to be him, you and Jung Jaehyun were tied to each other for a reason that was beyond fate.

You squeeze your eyes at the same time your hands squeeze your thighs, trying to get a grip. You calm yourself down, deep breaths in and out, your mind providing the good and the bad. No matter how you looked at it, it seemed like a trick the universe was playing on you. One, it would be worse if another name appeared, a name that you would have to pretend didn't exist, because this was just another thing you didn't have a say in. This was supposed to happen anyway, maybe it was better this way.

Then your mind provides another thought that makes your mind swirl. Jung Jaehyun had turned 18 in February, your name had appeared on his arms months ago and he didn't say a word about it to you, or to anyone for all you know. Maybe he was pretending too, maybe he wanted more time thinking that at least this he would get to choose.

Well, whatever fairytale that had been created inside stupid minds, was gone now.

⋄

The whole thing is announced two weeks later, in a gossip magazine with information from an inside source. Information that is carefully crafted from a marketing team the moment you reveal the result.

A result, like a test had been applied and you got Jung Jaehyun for whatever reason.

You exchange pleasantries the next time you see him, no trace of being too young to know the rest of your lives already. You just look at each other in maybe defeat, while your families make a toast to celebrate a wedding to take place in a few years from now. A wedding that held meaning beyond the marks that tied the two of you. Destiny just helped a little bit, it was just a good excuse to justify a marriage that had been arranged ages ago.

A month later you get accepted to Stanford, of course you do. And your mother's smile is a loud reminder of every single time she called you and inquired about every grade, every step you made to make sure this happened and that it all happened accordingly.

It doesn't take you long to find out Jaehyun got accepted there too.

⋄

AUGUST 2016

The heels of your Miu Miu boots make small stomping noises on the wood floor sounds as you walk through shelves and shelves filled with books. It’s not a loud sound, probably only perceived by your own ears, and you let it distract you as you navigate the big corridors of the Green Library.

Stanford had made your eyes shine during your first visit and then for the first months of your freshman year. The thrill of finally experiencing something new and yet undiscovered carried on until it gave space to normalcy, another routine. But this time, a feeling blossomed inside your stomach with wanting to eat it up.

A feeling that died and resurrected every now and then, but you played it safe. Navigating it with baby steps with fear of what could happen if you strained a little too far from the line. And what could that be? A magazine spread on how a famous philanthropic's daughter parties too hard in college, with pictures of you doing a line on marble countertops?  A class failed and the disappointment on your mother's voice when she called you? A scandal about your night escapades? You didn’t want to find out just yet.

So you settle for your new routine, of going out every now and then with the roommates that you were about to consider friends. Pondering if it’s worth it to join another club, just to feel like there's something else that makes you feel excited. Coming to the library, studying to keep your mind busy because your thoughts were never up to no good.

And it's so easy, being busy like you always managed to, with assignments, and volunteering and maintaining a perfect GPA.

It's also easy to ignore Jung Jaehyun’s existence. Because this time, unlike in boarding school, the task is much simpler, since classes are filled with so many people that on the ones you shared with him you barely get a glance of his eyes. Because he ran around in circles that had nothing to do with yours.

It was always clear to you, since youth, that Jaehyun was a social butterfly that just needed a little pushing, and he was nice enough that people always wanted him near. A high contrast to your quietness and introverted ways, staying in small circles and almost never allowing people to get too close.

It's weird thinking about him, putting a face to the name that was forever marked on your skin as a reminder of your future. It was weird thinking that it was easy to ignore this feeling too, like all the other ones that you have kept away in your small little box. The feelings that came out at least once a year when it all became too much, and you would sit in a duvet to spill all the dead butterflies inside your stomach out on the floor of a therapy clinic.

But even like this, weirdness doesn't begin to cover the way sometimes you catch yourself thinking of a memory that involves him, random and unexpected. A moment shared before the two of you discovered what expected you, before destiny was revealed. And you don't pretend that it's not real, that you don't feel the longing and need to be close, that your skin doesn't tingle when you see him around campus. You were long past pretending now, because there was no reason to play dumb when sometimes all you had were your own thoughts to rot your brain.

What you were good at, though, was concealing it all.

Was Jaehyun good at that too? Now that's something that you think about more than you would like. It didn't help that sometimes you would bump into him out of nowhere.

You enter the marketing aisle, eyes fixed on the small numbers taped to each section in hopes that the book you need was still here. It takes you awhile to realize that there's someone else with you, only moving your head up when you hear the footsteps approaching.  

“Hi.” Jaehyun says, a small smile on his lips that is as gentle as every other thing about his looks. He stands close, but not too much. A safe distance for you to run your eyes through his body one time, eyes stopping at the big ‘S’ on his sweatshirt.

You clear your throat before greeting him back. “Hello.” Your voice is low, thoughtful of your surroundings, but you match his smile in a silent agreement of politeness.

His eyes run through your face the same way yours does his. Curiosity, or maybe the longing feeling you try to not think about. The unspoken space in between the two of you is intact for now.  

He has changed so much in a year, is what you always think about when you two get to see each other up close. It always made you feel a weird nostalgia, seeing a face you had known for so long but now feels a little out of reach because of your own stubbornness. Your own fears.

“What book are you looking for?” He asks after some time, making small talk.

You turn your eyes to the books, him following. “Uhm, Kotler.”

“Oh, of course. How is marketing going?” You almost laugh at his attempt to make conversation, a skill well acquired during etiquette class.

“It’s okay. Not regretting it yet.” A half lie. Maybe another thing you were keeping locked deep down, your dislike for your major. But thinking about that while having a conversation with your soulmate was far from something you wanted to do.

He hums amused, eyes still fixed on the shelf. “That's good.”

You finally find the book, leaning down to get it and hugging it to your chest as your mind searches for something to offer for your own piece of ice breaker. Then you remember seeing his face last week printed on a glossy paper, an intricate article on consumerism tendencies online besides it.

“Congrats on the publication.” You say, facing him again. It’s genuine, because you knew how things like that really mattered. Small things that were nowhere near the accomplishments expected of the two of you, but still something to be proud of.

He laughs lowly, with bashful manners of looking down to his feet and with ears turning red. “It’s just a campus magazine.” Because of course he would be humble, amongst all the other qualities you were well acquainted with. Deep down you know that it's just a reflection of the high expectations that have been set the moment he was born.

“Still, it was very well written. And everyone said it was impressive for a freshman.” Everyone being the friend that showed you the magazine, but you'll pretend for him that it was something more. To try and erase the feeling of not deserving something that probably runs through his mind.

You would crush it beneath your boots if you could, it's the weird thought that runs through yours.

He huffs. “Well, it’s Stanford. Hard to know what's gonna be impressive and what is just expected of you.”

“Good thing we are all promising young adults that don't need their egos to be fed, right?” You joke back and it makes him laugh a little too loudly, quickly stopping himself as you two exchange awkward but familiar glances with tiny smiles on your lips.

A moment of silence settles next, one that lasts only long enough for you to shift the weight from one leg to another. Then he's asking. “Are you… Are you doing something this weekend?”

“I’m expected at a company party.” You reply flatly, blinking twice but not really pondering the reasons for his curiosity. You two stare at each other for a second that passes quickly.

“The HSBC event?” He asks and you nod, expecting the words he says next. “Oh, I'll attend it as well.”

“Boring, huh?” An attempt to continue a conversation that should've ended by now.

“Yeah.” He looks at you, and then away, and then back at you. “I was thinking that we could have din-“

Footsteps interrupt his words and you look behind your shoulder to see who the newcomer is. A tall man, taller than Jaehyun even, smiles at you guiltily before he’s looking at Jaehyun and raising his brows. “We are late, dude.” He deadpans as you look between the two of them.

“Shit, I didn’t realize.” Jaehyun says in a groan, bringing his big watch to his face,  and you have to contain a smile at the curse. Then he turns to you. “Sorry, I gotta go.”

“It’s fine.” You mumble, the book still held tight against your chest.

He waves awkwardly as the other man throws you another smile. You watch them leave with trembling fingers.

⋄

DECEMBER 2017

December always made you feel a little weird. Blame it on the cold and the days spent in bed trying to get the warmth you craved. Or on the impending approach of winter break and having to deal with your parents and your obligations for the month to follow.

But you try not to think about that just yet, when the time comes you'll deal with it. That's what you always do. For now you let your bed swallow you as you scroll down mindless through your instagram feed, double tapping publications of past boarding school acquaintances smiling with the Harvard location attached to each picture, just like the brand names are attached to their clothes. It's a little pathetic to you that your own account looks the same, with pictures carefully picked with a marketing tactic in mind.

Your little distraction is interrupted when the door to your room opens and your roommate, Ela, walks in, clearly shivering from the cold even underneath her thick dark grey coat. “God, it's fucking freezing outside.” She mumbles as a greeting, removing her boots and setting it close to the door before draping her coat on her chair.

“How was the meeting?” You ask from under your blankets, laughing a little as she drops her things on her own bed. The question makes her sigh loudly.

“That dude is still an asshole.” The dude in question being her partner to a never ending project of rebranding that sometimes stressed even you, from how much she talked about it. “But we are almost done with it now.”

“That's good.”

She plops on her bed, across from yours and a comfortable silence settles for a moment as she probably tries to have a moment of calmness.

Ela was an old face on your life, having attended the same school but never really getting closer than knowing each other's name. Still, it was good that you got paired to dorm with her. A familiar face that became a friend of sorts, as the two of you built a relationship on things in common and the want to have someone you could trust in a new place. And she was different than you, more outgoing, had a liking for socializing that you could never match, but still understood you.

“Hey, did you finish that essay already?” She asks, turning her face to you.

“Yes, it was bitch to write.”

“And Kotler is super boring to read.” A sigh escapes her lips and you agree loudly because she's right. Sometimes, when you allowed yourself a moment of wishful thinking, you would wonder what it would be like to have a major that you didn't feel like your brain was melting from boredom when reading about.

“I'm really tired.” You reply, just to say something back.

“Same. Are you doing something for winter break?”

In your mind you know exactly what you'll be doing, a schedule even ready on your mind, but  instead you say “Not really, are you?”

She hums, voice tired but still excited as she goes on about how she wants to go to Europe again, visit Amsterdam because that was one of her favorite travel destinations. When you ask how it was, she describes in perfect detail, how the streets looked and how it felt very welcoming, telling you that you absolutely had to go there someday.

You promise to go and in the back of your mind you wish you could. Maybe you can if you can do more week hours on your internship and ask for a free week.

You shake your head at that though.

“Oh, I got this little get together today. At that bar downtown.. .Do you want to go?” You know she’s asking out of politeness, not because she didn't want you there but because you rarely said yes to her invitations.

But there’s a tiny spark on your chest, one that resembles the restless feeling you would get when you stayed too long laying down. It's not a motivation as much as it is boredom and the wish to feel something other than half emptiness. Other than the want to escape.

“Ok.” You say, shrugging slightly.

“Really?”

The raise of her brow makes you laugh. “Yeah, we are getting home next week. That's the last time I get to do this for a while.”

⋄

The bar is a little crowded, with winter break approaching and no one really daring step outside for a smoke because of how cold it is. The owners took great advantage of that by offering a ‘buy two get one free’ deal, that if you take a closer look at is really just a scam considering the price. But it's enough to fool college students that are excited about being away from this place for a while.

That’s what you think about after you down the remnants of the third drink you and your roommate shared. It’s not that kind of night, of getting wasted and not remembering anything the next day. It’s more of a little get together, for your roommate's club members and you are here merely as an intruder.

You feel just a little tipsy as you listen to her friends talk, some of them you knew from afar and some were just strangers that were nice enough to make you laugh every now and then. Still, you feel detached from the conversation, smiling and nodding when needing but not really taking part.

“What about you, ___?” A girl with round cheeks and pretty eyes asks you regarding your vacation plans. “You gotta invite us if you are throwing a party.”

You scoff before you can catch yourself. Alcohol always drops your inhibitions a little, but still you are quick to cover it up. You laugh along with the others, promising to invite everyone even though you are not throwing any parties, most likely never.

You roommate looks at you from the corner of her eye, smiling sympathetically because she knows you, and knows how stupid her friends are, but it's fine. You just wish you could just take it easily, the interest, the wanting to get close so they too will appear in a gossip magazine and live the life they think you do, without wanting to tell them to get a fucking life already, because this is just pathetic.

You smile back at her, wishing for another drink as your thigh highs start to roll a little uncomfortably. Shifting from leg to leg does nothing to help it, so you try to push the little annoyance to the back of your mind.

The small groups divide in different topics over the time, and you find yourself talking to some guy you had never seen before, that goes on and on about his amazing business ideas and how successful it's going to be when he finds the right stakeholders. You nod and try to focus through the whole thing.

The rest of the night goes like that. Fake laughter, loud music and conversation that gets more boring as the clock ticks, so you find an escape excusing yourself to go to the bathroom, not because you need to but to get away for a second.

In retrospect maybe it would've been better to endure another discussion about LA clubs and entrepreneurship.

The bar is so crowded that you have to excuse yourself at least five times, and on the sixth one you end up bumping into someone.

“Oh.” Is the clever thing you say when your eyes are met with Jaehyun already looking at you, his eyes lower than usual from probably taking advantage of the drink deal like you had.

He looks relaxed, hair parted in a way that shows his forehead and an all black outfit that doesn’t look as expensive as it probably is, but he makes it work so well that you do a double look while in your hazy state. If he notices, he doesn’t show it by the way he keeps his smile unfazed at you.

“We gotta stop seeing each other by accident,” he says, laughing a little.

“Yeah.” His words take a little to digest so you keep looking at him for a beat of a second. It’s a first, seeing him in a place like this. Where you can see just how well he really can adjust to any setting. He fits right in with the low lights and the relaxed atmosphere.

“This is Johnny.” He gestures for the guy besides him, who turns his attention to you and smiles in a way that’s a little familiar. Then you realize he’s the guy from the library over a year ago, and the friend Jaehyun posted pictures every now and then on his instagram page.

“Hey, It’s nice to meet you.” Johnny says, same smile from before still on and you return it. “Have heard a lot about you.”

That makes you laugh, a mixture of confusion and excitement and politeness that confuses even yourself. “Good things I hope.”

He tilts his head playfully. “Only the best things you can hear in place like this.”

The three of you share smiles, the interaction then turning into a conversation promoted by a question you ask, both from wanting to have something to say and out of curiosity. Johnny does most of the talking, explaining how he and Jaehyun had been friends for a while but only got closer now that they are attending the same university. They share a story of something that happened, them buying each other the same thing for christmas and you listen to the whole thing entranced.

It’s weird in some way how you can learn so much from your own soulmate from someone else. And it's weird how you react with joy, perhaps, to the teasing Johnny does to Jaehyun so naturally.

When the conversation settles down, Johnny looks between the two of you for a few seconds before he’s excusing himself to find an unnamed person. It was predictable he would do that, with the way he kept aiming the conversation to make it about Jaehyun, as if he somehow had to wing his friend to you.

You stare at your shoes, unsure of what to say now and maybe too worn out from the whole night to come up with something to talk about. But you don’t have to, because soon he’s asking  “Are you here alone?”

You look up, a tiny smile on your lips. “No, I came with my roommate. But she's with her friends.”

“Oh, I’ll keep you company then.” He offers and you nod, following him to the bar where it's more illuminated and you can both lean a little on the counter.

Jaehyun is good at making people feel comfortable, you had noticed that many times before and it's no surprise when he asks you about your roommate, about what songs you have been listening to lately. He tries to keep a conversation with ease, even if it stays in the usual surface you two are used to.

If you weren't so distracted by everything, your mind would probably offer that it feels a lot like when you were kids and standing in the corner of a ballroom in uncomfortable clothes, talking about things that didn't matter.

“Have you ever been to Amsterdam?” You ask him suddenly when the past topic dies down.

“Yeah, it's really nice there.”

You hum, remembering your roommate's words. “That’s cool, I really want to go there someday.”

Out of nowhere he starts laughing a little, as if you had said something funny. When you inquire about it, he shakes his head clearly amused by the way his eyes squint a little from his smile. “It's just… Don’t you think it's weird that we have known each other for all these years, and all we do is do this weird small talk?”

You laugh too, speaking before you can stop yourself. “And still for some reason I feel like I know you.”

His eyebrows raise for a second but his smile is unfaltering, your statement not bothering him.  “You know me.” He says, as a matter of fact. “And I know you.”

Now this makes you freeze, blinking slowly but it doesn't last long until you are covering your surprise by chuckling. Your eyes meet his and it strikes you that it's true, you know him and he knows you. Not everything, but what would be the fun in that.

Maybe that's why the two of you kept doing this small talk, to get to know each other better even in the smallest things. That's what getting to know someone is, after all. Not the business interviews and networking you grew up with.

You shake your thoughts away, leaning on the counter with one elbow and then resting your face on your palm. “What is your favorite thing about me then?” It's what you ask, in a playful tone to keep the conversation going. Or because you actually want to know, out of curiosity or vanity.

He chuckles, bringing his hand to his face as if in deep thought, before he replies. “I like that you are smart.”

The simplicity of it makes you snort. “Please, that's a cliche thing to say in a place like this.” You say, mimicking the words his friend had said to you earlier. “What does that even mean?”

“I don't know.” He shrugs while laughing, “Johnny just says things like that sometimes.”

You nod then, making an amused sound while you turn on the counter to stare forward. Your roommate is on the opposite side of yours, leaning against a wall while talking to a girl taller than her but just as pretty. The view makes a tiny smile settle on your lips, the beginning of a spark on your chest.

It always amazed you how people who didn't know their soulmate yet continued to live on, simply letting the universe do its thing naturally. In your young mind you had always thought that love was supposed to be a yearning that you couldn't control, that you would have to be with the person you love no matter what, and do anything to find them. That had changed now.

You turn to Jaehyun again. “What would you say is your favorite thing about me then, if we didn't know each other already?” You ask. It's a weird question because it makes him raise one eyebrow at you, but there's still not a trace of annoyance on his face.

“Isn't that also cliche to say?” He huffs. “That you are the prettiest girl I have ever seen?”

You can't help the embarrassed laugh that leaves your parted lips in shock. “Are you flirting with me?”

His ear gets an incredible red shade and you find it extremely charming. “It's just the truth.” He defends himself and it only makes you giggle more.

You thank him, tell him that you think he’s pretty too and correct it to handsome when he raises one eyebrow again. It makes a nice atmosphere settle and you feel comfortable enough to ask “So... if we didn't know each other you would flirt with me at a random party? Buy me a drink and all that?”

He smiles, dimples showing while he brushes his hair back. It's not the first time, of course, but you find yourself a little in awe at how pretty he actually is. Pretty in a way that makes you feel a little out of it, stunned by the way his lips start forming his next words.  

“What do you like to drink?” He asks casually.

Now it's your turn to raise one eyebrow. “Hmm, I like Moscow Mules.”

You watch as he turns to the bar, calling the waiter over and ordering two drinks of your said preference. The mixture of feelings on your chest make you feel drunker than you did before and you wish you could put a name to it. Excitement, amusement, whatever it is only increases when he looks at you again.

“I’m Jung Jaehyun, by the way.” He offers, smiling sweetly and you match it when you realize what he's playing at

“I’m _____. It's nice to meet you.”

⋄

Playing pretend with him is easy, even more when the drinks make your inhibitions fall completely. Jaehyun tells a joke and you lean forward a little. Then you talk about something and he comes closer as if to hear better. Another drink and plenty of silly conversation later, he's completely invading your space in a way that you don't feel slightly bothered by.  

Not even when leans to whisper in your ear. “Do you want to get out of here?”

You leave the bar giggling like the two mildly drunk people you are, basking in the joy of it and of the little fantasy you two have created. Jaehyun keeps you close, your hands linked and it's such a nice feeling that you get even more overwhelmed in a good way. The two of you walk almost glued to each other basically skipping and muttering playfully things just to say something.

When you are near the dorm complex, he stops abruptly and when you turn to him, his hands find your cheeks and his eyes search yours for a brief moment before he’s bringing your face closer to his.

It's a sweet kiss, contrary to what you thought it would be when you allowed yourself to think about this. You had always imagined desperation, not being able to endure not doing it anymore. But the reality is that Jaehyun kisses you with delicacy and  even if there is desperation to it, it's not in a way that overpowers anything else. But in a way that makes you moan lowly, makes you press him even closer by grabbing his shirt as he moves his lips slowly against yours.

There are no fireworks, no deep realization that you are kissing the person you are meant to be with for the rest of your life. But it's good, makes you want more, makes you want to bring him closer than possible, and maybe that's proof enough.

You reach his dorm in a blink after that, him having a bit of a hard time opening the door but when he does it takes no time for you to be pressed to it.

For a moment he just looks at you, eyes hazy and shining. They run through your face the same way yours does his, with longing that is finally allowed. You try to quiet the way your heart beats by leaning forward and kissing him.

The kiss is hungry but never too fast, with his hands moving to your hips and you pulling on his lips. When you moan a little at the feel, he opens his mouth a little, sliding his tongue against yours and you swear at yourself for waiting so long. Swear that you will never get enough of this.

Your lips move together in a way that is proof enough to you that this is something else even in your drunk state. His lips are soft, tongue moving with yours as if he wants to take his time and when your hands move from his shoulders to his neck he  shudders, parting from you with a wet sound.

“W-We should...” He murmurs against your lip and you nod before he even finishes, letting him lead you to his bed. It feels a lot like yours, and the rest of the room is just as familiar but you pay no attention to that when he lays you on it gently.

It’s no surprise that Jaehyun is a giving lover and you figure that out when he kisses you like he wants to find out exactly what you like. Exactly how to make you fall apart in his hands.

He does everything with an expertise that maybe should make you feel jealous, but out of all things you are, a hypocrite is not one of them. So he shows you what he has learn from other people, and you show him what you have

And he doesn't settle for anything less than kissing all over your body after the two of you get undressed. For less than telling you in whispered words that he has dreamed about this before so many times and immediately swallowing with his tongue the words you would never be able to let out.

That you had dreamed about this too.  Dreamed about coming on his tongue as he eats you out, your hands grabbing at his hair and seeing stars. A giving lover, of the best kind,  Even more when he asks, with his mouth shining with your arousal. “How do you want it?”

You blink as your mind spins with the endless possibilities, but the ultimate realization that you would have him any way.  You decide on the one that gives you more control. “I… I want to ride you.”

He bites his lips, ears burning red again. “Yeah,” His words come out mumbles as he just looks at you for a second before moving to lay on his back. “Yeah, ok. Fuck.”

You straddle his hips after he rolls down the condom, his eyes looking up at you in what you think is adoration, pure desire. And then you kiss him again, all tongue but still slow. So deep that you think you’ll never forget what he tastes like.

He lets you sink down at your own pace, palms on your ass when you move slowly, feeling him stretch you with every inch you sit on. He hums, hands tracing your skin delicately and it only makes it so much worse.

You move, a grind at first testing the water and immediately crying out lowly from the friction and you look for support with nails grabbing at his chest. He doesn't seem to mind.

“Good?” A stupid question to ask with the way you are so wet around him that the room is filled with a squelching sound when you move up and down with all the patience in the world.

Still, you nod. “You feel - Fuck - really good.”

He looks down at where you’re connected, biting his lips to suppress the noises you want him to let out so you move your hips with purpose, eyes roaming his face to watch it contort in pleasure as he lets out the prettiest moan you have ever heard. Low and deep.

His hands move further down then, gripping your hips and moving you in a grind that feels too good. So good that you have to drop your arms to his chest for leverage as he moves you to his liking, pushing your hips back and forth.

You come with your back arching, long moan of his name as your entire body shakes and tingles and you have to grip at the sheets beside you for support. You try to keep moving as your orgasm washes over you but its too much and your walls clenching around his cock  makes him grip your ass even tighter, the action sending a thrill down your body as you fall forward on his chest with a wail.

Your mind swims in the gooey feeling of pleasure and all you can think about is him. Jaehyun, Jaehyun, Jaehyun.

He waits for a second, hand moving to your back as your body trembles, drawing calming circles on it. When you have calmed down, he plants his feet on the bed and starts moving his hips up slowly and patiently but with deep strokes that make you bite your lip with oversensitivity.

And when you can, you move your head up, balancing yourself on your arms and looking at him. He wastes no time in kissing you, not deep because he parts his lips in a groan during a particular stroke, speeding his movements and grunting when you try to meet them back.

It’s when he has had enough, that he pulls out only to turn you on your back so he can enter you more easily, his hips now meeting yours in a pace that tells you that he’s close.

“Jae, oh… oh my god.” You sigh dreamily yet broken enough that it makes him smile when a sharp thrust makes your hips raise a little. He looks proud of being able to get you like this.

He hums as if agreeing with a very thorough statement, moving his arms so he can press his chest to yours as he fucks into you with calculated thrusts . You can barely move with his weight on top of you, with how he seems to lock you in place with his hips and it’s enough for another broken sob to fall from your lips.

“Deep?” He asks in a groan and with a nice slide of his cock inside of you to punctuate the question. You nod frantically because he’s as deep as he can get, knows this very well, and the feeling is something that makes you flutter around him in the desperate need to come.

He kisses your cheek then, two sweet but filthy enough with his heavy exhales against it. His pace never gets too fast, just hinting at it but he maintains a speed that leaves you in the brink of another orgasm. But, you only reach it when he pinches your clit with his fingers, circling it until your lips part in a silent scream and you’re coming again, stars behind your eyelids.

And the sounds he makes when your walls squeeze just a little more than he can handle are something else. A deep groan and a pained little sob that you find extremely endearing and hot at the same time, his face contorting as he quickened his pace just enough to push him over the edge, finally releasing inside the condom.    

He pulls out, breath heavy as he smiles at you falling putty on the bed and watching as he removes the condom and disposes it only to come quickly to the bed quickly.

He hovers over you, kissing you sweetly. Your arms find his shoulders easily as the two of you bask in the afterglow of it.

Then he kisses you again, tongues dancing together and you don’t mind when his hand starts to wander again, sending goosebumps to your body. His fingers find your clit with ease, circling it slowly before applying more pressure as your lips part and your hand grip his arm, for support and not to cut the actions.

You come again, not as strong as your first one but still enough to have you shaking a little and screaming silently. His finger stays at your clit, hovering until he asks again in a whisper. “Another?”

You nod, and he resumes his actions slowly, until you are seeing starts and he swallows your moans with kisses and stops your trembling with soft hands grounding you.

When you recover your breath, an incredulous laughter leaves your lips. “You’re insane.” He just smiles, nose brushing against yours.  “God, I...I gotta clean up now.”

He moves to get up. “Yeah sure, I’ll show you the bathroom.”

You end up cleaning together, a shower that doesn't take you long, even if it's hard to keep your hands to yourselves but you are both tired, feeling a little drained after the glow has gone away.

⋄

Afterwards, you are laying on his bed side by side, surrounded by the smell of his body wash and wearing the big t-shirt and sweatpants he offered you.

Your mind starts wandering lazily with the remnants of your high, that's why the words escape your mouth without much thought. “Isn't it weird that even if we have someone in the world meant for us we can still feel lonely?” You are not lonely right now, not really. Maybe it's just the sadness of winter speaking, or maybe you're still a little drunk.

He takes a second to reply, voice low when he does. “Yeah. But you don't have to.” He says.“ Feel lonely, I mean. You don't have to.”

It's a little funny how he feels the need to explain himself to you, as if you don't quite understand him when the reality it's both very far from that and exactly it at the same time.

“I don't think thats how it works. It's not up to me.” If it was, wouldn't you have stopped being lonely by now? Wouldn't you have finally succumbed to the desperate need of wanting someone, something, when late night hit and the mark in your arm would burn just as your eyes as you fought back tears?

Still, he says simply. “I think it is.”

You smile sadly then, turning to him a little and watching as he kept his gaze on the ceiling. He looked relaxed, as if this setting was soothing his mind and it makes a familiar feeling blossom on your chest.  “What did you feel when the mark showed up on your arm?” A question that you had wanted to ask the moment you found out it was him, but instead had failed miserably to guess the answer to.

“Relief.” He says without thinking, a truthful and genuine reply.

“That you wouldn't have to end up marrying someone that wasn't your soulmate?” You ask. All these years you had thought that this must've been it, what you felt that day.

“No. I was relieved that it was you anyway.” Is his reply, body turning and eyes meeting yours. For a second you’re frozen, blinking because it’s strange to have someone put their feelings out so easily.

“Is… Is that what love is, then?” You ask softly. “Relief that you have at least one person that makes you feel held?”

Maybe this is not really what he meant,  and more so wishful thinking of your part than anything else, but still he nods.

“I think it’s that. And other things.” His voice is soft when he says this. “I'm not sure what it is, but I want to find out.”

You can’t help as you examine his face after his confession. Is this what being soulmates is, then? Having someone that it's worth taking the risk of finding out? Or maybe it’s having someone that will show you exactly what it is.

Does all that explain the way you can't look away from him?

“Me neither.” You reply in the same quiet voice because it’s true. You tend to act like you know everything, and that you know what love is. You know love it’s pathetic and that it gets in the way of things, but is it really that bad? So you ask “Is it bad that I think you'll only love me because the mark on your arm tells you to?”

He laughs briefly. “No, it makes sense.” His eyes find yours again. “But you know it’s not, don't you?”

“I do.” At least you do now.

Maybe that's why you fall asleep so easily

⋄

2014 (flashback)

It’s the last day before summer break and Jaehyun is tired.

The other four guys he shared a room with are all packing their things for a nice vacation somewhere in Europe or one of the paradisiac beaches they all like to talk about. Jaehyun just wants to get home, not think about college applications for two months and maybe go somewhere he can be alone for a while.

“Sooyoung is kinda hot, huh?”  Yugyeom says out of nowhere and the room settles in a unison hum of agreement. He joins in too.

There’s a loud creak noise as another one of his roommates slumps into the bed but he doesn't bother checking who it is, mind somewhere else as he stares at the ceiling.

“True. But I would die if Ela gave me her number.” Jungkook sighs dreamily and Jaehyun can't help the snort that escapes his lips. Just yesterday they had a conversation exactly like this one, but not quite as innocent. Trust a group of men that have no idea who their roommates are to act like this.

Even though Doyoung, the only one of them that already knew, still acted the same when it came to this. His soulmate isn't someone he knew already, so what was the point in waiting. That's why he asks the next question. “Jaehyun, you know ___, right? Does she stick to the whole ‘waiting’ thing?”

Jaehyun blinks, shifts almost unnoticeable. “I don't know her like that.” Is what he says, which is a half true. He knows her, probably things no one else knows but that’s what happens when you grow up in the same circles, he guesses. Right now though, he feels like he doesn’t know her anymore, not with the distance she had put between them after the wedding was announced by your parents.

Then, he starts thinking about himself. Is he waiting for his soulmate? He has kissed some girls, but it never went beyond that. But now he remembers coming home from german class one day and his mother making soft cake as she told him about the name that would appear on his wrist.

He remembers that he had said loudly that he wished ____ would be his name, because then they could be better friends for some reason as silly as playing around together.

Sicheng interrupts his thoughts by snorting loudly. “Are you really trying to hit?” He asks Doyoung. “Gonna end up in the cover of a magazine for trying to corrupt the nation’s good girl.”

The room erupts in laughter and comments after that. He drowns it with his mind going somewhere else.

That night he dreams about her.

⋄

10, FEBRUARY 2018

Winter break goes by quickly with one too many end of the year celebration and wishing people you had never seen before a happy new year.

You spend your days fulfilling your internship at the company you would one day own, following around the superiors for the Marketing team and playing nice when they try to flatter you.

So busy that you can barely think about it, but you still do. You think about him so often that you think you have lost your mind.  And you see Jung Jaehyun too, here and there at parties, between whiskey glasses, tuxedos and unspoken words. Because, as you always thought, keeping it all unsaid is easier. At least for now.

Perhaps he knows it all, in a different way than you. So the two of you kept it lowkey, for the duration of those two months that are now gone with the wind. Two months of not a single magazine spread on your escapades, or you parents mentioning anything that is out of the ordinary.

It's as if the two of you have a secret, that some may assume, but still don't know for sure. What you and Jaehyun did that night is kept inside a locked box, one that you share with him and that every moment until now seems to fit in. What you don't know is if he too keeps the box as sacred as you do.

What you don't know is if the thought of it being opened by prying eyes scares him too.

Being back to campus is, ironically, a breath of fresh air. No more business meetings disguised as family celebrations, or stupid networking, or smiling for a camera to say that the company has never been better. No more internship and lack of time for something else.

February comes and it's just you, your dorm bed and the roommate you will miss when it's time. Just the lectures and keeping busy and trying not to think about things only to fail miserably.

But then, there are the phone calls, never ending and always the same. Or almost always.

The phone lights up, stupid ringtone, and your heart starts beating a little faster. How could someone ever guess what a phone call is about?  Not having control made you antsy.

Your mother greets you as always, stern words, asking how you have been out of politeness. You spend the entire phone call waiting for her to just say what she wants to already.

She mentions being busy, good opportunities, of an article you should read and something that sounds like a threat if you let yourself slip and get a scandal, even though she has said all this not long ago after gifting you another piece of jewelry you’ll keep stored deep in your drawer.

At least this time it doesn't take long for her to finally say what she wants. “Jaehyun’s birthday is soon. Don't forget to greet him.”

“I won't.” You reply simply but she’s quick to cut you off.

“Publicly. Maybe sending flowers would be good, or buying something that can get attention from the press.” It’s obvious this is not about you and your soulmate, it’s about you and your future. As everything is.

“Ok.”

“Just because he's your soulmate doesn't mean people will connect you two together forever.” She continues, never knowing when to stop. “You have to remind them of that.”

“I know that.” Because you do. There was no guarantee that your marriage with Jaehyun would be good publicity if the two of you weren’t liked or even popular.

You fear that when the time comes, people will realize something you yourself already has. That maybe you don’t really deserve Jaehyun, not because he’s better than you, but because you are not sure you can give him the love he deserves.

What you don't know clearly yet, is that you’re selfish and want him anyway.

“Good.” Your mother says and then the line cuts.

One time a therapist told you that maybe your mother was jealous. Because you would get to experience something she didn't, being with your soulmate, and that it was normal. It didn't mean she was evil and hated you. Another one said that that was the reason she was so stern, she wanted to keep you in line to prevent you from failure so as to not hurt you. That, behind the lack of affection, was a wish for your happiness.

Maybe there will be a time you understand that plenty. Maybe some things can never be truly fixed, only forgotten.

Four days days after that, you text Jaehyun a simple happy birthday with a heart at the end of it. You also get a chocolate cake sent to his place from a bakery you like, and when he calls to thank you, you tell him to not post it anywhere.

He laughs and tells you that it's a good idea.

⋄

2007 (flashback)

It was another late afternoon party, for another thing that you couldn’t remember or care about because things like this shouldn't really matter when you are only ten years old. Still, you had watched the other kids play with each other as their parents talked business and laughed, drunk from the bubbly drinks they downed glass after glass of.

For a moment you felt like reaching out and playing with them too, but it died soon and you stayed unmoving on the chair you had been placed in, while your parents did the same as the others somewhere in the distance.

It had been a pretty day, you remember, the sun was about to set and it made the shiny fabric on the tablecloths that were spread around the individual tables set outside, sparkle just the tiniest bit. You played with it to have something to distract yourself with.

You remember too, that Jung Jaehyun and his family were at the table right in front of yours, your parents greeting each other and talking briefly. Later on the party you had watched as he listened to something his mother said to him. She was beautiful, like your own mother, and you had heard her voice before so it had been easy to imagine in what tone she was speaking. Soft and low, how warmth felt like. As to the content of her words you would never know, but it had clearly been something nice because it made her son laugh as she patted his head.

You didn’t know back then that this moment would stick with you for the years to come, for a reason that at ten years old you were just beginning to understand. But still, the weird twist in your stomach, as you started to realize that something was wrong, would be felt many more times. As you realized that your family dynamics were not as warm as the others appeared to be.

⋄

25, FEBRUARY 2018

What you and Jaehyun have turns into something hard to describe.

The line you had so clearly put between the two of you, to avoid your future, had been replaced now by acceptance and the weird feeling of navigating a relationship that It’s still a new thing, but it’s also nice enough. Especially when he sends you a silly text and jokes about something, later on commenting the same thing on one of your instagram posts. It makes you feel giddy, that you have a shared secret.

Even more when he gives you a small knowing smile across the table while your father is non stop talking about the new model the company is about to release.

It’s a small dinner to celebrate Jaehyun’s birthday, or at least as small it can be in a restaurant like this, where the waiter will look you up and down if you are not wearing your prettiest silk dress and stiletto heels.

The whole thing had been rescheduled twice, because of busy schedules and whatnot, and now that both your parents had been able to fly here, you all sit underneath lowlights and drink expensive wine that is accompanied by a conversation that is so boring that you have trouble keeping up with it.

He finds you on the rooftop, hair blowing a little as he walks to you and in the back of your mind you think it’s a crime that he looks this good in a suit. That’s probably all the wine you had talking.

“Sorry I left you alone there.” You mutter with a sympathetic smile thrown his way when he reaches you, but you both know you are not sorry at all for escaping the stupid conversation your parents were having.

He chuckles. “You leaving was just a reason for me to escape too.”

The two of you turn to look at the city, the illuminated buildings looking minuscule from here but the tiny lights from each of them make for a breathtaking view. Jaehyun stands so close to you that your arms touch. You don’t mind.

“Looking at the city like that makes me feel really small.” You whisper, without really thinking.

“That’s because we are.” You hear his voice clearly, warm like honey and you don’t try to help the smile that forms in your lips.

“How do you do it?” The question makes him look at you, raising one eyebrow. “I mean, you always sound like you got it all figured out. While I just say the most random stuff because I don’t know who I am.”

You know you are the heritage left to you, the face of your father's company, a good student, smart. One of the few socialites that have never stepped a foot out of line, according to the magazines. But take all that and what’s left?

“I don't.” He says simply, “I’m just good at pretending, like you are.”

That makes you laugh. “Good to know we are both good at playing our roles.” You say, as a joke, because you are sure the two of you are beyond the acting now.

And It’s always funny to you how the masks the both of you put on fall completely when you are alone. That’s what it means to be friends, you had realized, and that’s what you decide to call your relationship for now. Friends, from a long time, that happened to be tied together for other reasons.

And Jaehyun is a friend that sometimes makes you feel like you deserve the love you crave.

“Hey. You are ____.” He says after a second, for good measure. “That's enough, you don't have to be anything else.”

“Is it enough for you?” You ask without really thinking.

He smiles, dimples showing and your heart grows warmer. “Yeah, and we can figure it out together. Who we are and all that.”

You share a smile, both staring forward at the view and shivering a little from the night wind.

“I’m sorry for getting you into these deep conversations.”

He laughs deeply at that, with his whole body. “It’s good, don’t worry. I want you to trust me, even if you won't let me get to know you.” And you do, you want to desperately trust him and let him in. ”Because you are scared I can't handle your daddy issues or something.”

A scoff mixed with laughter leaves your lips. It’s been a long time since you were able to joke about this with someone. “It’s mommy issues, please get it right.”

He turns to you with a silly smile on his lips. “Is it because she made you take those piano classes?” He jokes and you laugh before tilting your head.

“Wait, how did you know I played the piano?” That was ages ago, finally a hobby that you enjoyed amongst the numerous other classes your mother had enrolled you in. You played it for a long time before you stopped completely for whatever reason.

“You told me, when we had to introduce ourselves and talk about things we liked in german class.” He explains. “You said you liked it, even though your mother forced you to go.”

You turn to him now as it strikes you that Jung Jaehyun remembered you from his childhood the same way you remembered him. Not the same things, but still memories. The thought is so comforting that you can’t hold the way your cheeks move up in a smile.

“What about you?” You question. “What things did you say you liked?”

“Hmm, I don't really remember.” Is what he says with a shrug.

You two share a look, perhaps meaningful but maybe that's the wine making you feel on cloud 9 under his gaze.  “What do you like now?”

He chuckles as if your interest is amusing. “I like… music, getting coffee with friends. That kind of thing.”

“Not cars?” You joke, making him laugh. You decide then that you like making him do it.

“I mean, a little.” He replies playfully, and it’s very easy to be comfortable like this.

It’s good to know after all this time Jaehyun was like you, even if you felt alone in the world sometimes. That’s what a soulmate must be after all, not the missing piece to make you whole but someone that makes you realize exactly that you don't have to be.

“We should get coffee together sometime.” You offer after some time, a gentle smile being shared between you two in laziness, at the thought of soon having to return to the restaurant and popping out of the bubble you have started creating for yourself.

“We should.” He says, and the bubble stays afloat a little longer.

⋄

JULY 2019

It’s another charity Gala, with sparkly lights, champagne, fake smiles and a dress too tight. Everything is the way it always had been, except for you.

And Jaehyun, whose hand stays on your waist as he guides you through a slow song. He had wanted to dance, said he always thought it was nice when lovers did it in movies.

Lovers. The mere use of the word had made your heart somersault in your chest, but you kept it down. Instead, you move with him with soft smiles adorning both of your faces.

Your hand finds his cheeks. Nothing could describe the look you give him in the light but pure admiration. And you don’t care if anyone sees it,  you don’t care if it ends up in a magazine spread. Because even if everybody knew about it, this is yours.

The way he brings his hand on top of yours, and how his eyes match the exact look on yours. Every little detail about it makes you know that this right here belongs to the two of you and nothing can change it.

“Jaehyun?” Your voice is low, almost inaudible underneath the music and conversation echoing through the ballroom. “I don't want to be here anymore.”

His eyebrows raise at your confession, steps faltering for a second as he loses the rhythm “What? We can leave right now if you want.” He offers. “I came with my own car, so we can-“

Your soft laughter interrupts his words. “No, I don't mean right now.” You explain, swallowing around your next words. “I meant.. I don't want to keep playing a role, I want to go somewhere with you where no one knows us.”

A smile grows on his lips, one that tells you that he understands exactly what you mean. And you don’t have to guess anymore, there are no more maybes. You know.

“Okay, we can do that.”

He pulls you closer, dance now long forgotten as you just move in complete muscle memory.

“I want to find out.” You confess in a whisper. A secret between the two of you that no one else would ever know.  “I want to go somewhere with you and find out.”

You wonder if he already found the answer to it, to what love is. But you also don't need to know right now, because you will know when you have to. Either way you want to find out  and it's not for you to guess.

He smiles genuinely at you, with his dimples showing, like he always smiles at you.

You smile back, heart aching from something that can only be only be explained by years of shared stories, and in your mind, deeper connections that go beyond what everything and everyone inside this ballroom would understand.

You smile back, in the exact way you have always smiled at him.

⋄

APRIL 2020

A ray of sun peeks from the half closed curtains and set right above your eyes, getting you to wake up lazily and slowly. It takes you a while to come to it, the sheets on the bed just now starting to feel truly familiar with the warmth left on the bed, from someone that had probably gotten up just a little before from you.

You blink once and twice before your eyes are completely open, vision still unfocused but it slowly comes back as you stare at the bedside table. A lip balm is the first thing you see, then your phone and lastly a picture framed of you and Jaehyun hugging in front of the sunflower field at the Van Gogh museum. He’s laughing, at something said by the kind fellow tourist that had offered to take your picture, and you have the beginning of a smile on your own lips. One that you mimic perfectly now as you remember that day.

Your thoughts are suddenly interrupted by the door opening and Jaehyun walks in the bedroom, holding a bowl. His eyes are still drowsy and his hair a mess but you  think he looks right at home. Because he is.

“Morning, baby.” His voice is low and raspy, but enough to make you melt even more on the sheets.

“Good morning.” The smile settles fully on your lips now.

He sits on the bed next to you then, almost drowning inside his large t-shirt and hair plopping cutely when he tries moving even closer to place the bowl with sliced fruits on your lap. “We gotta add apples to the shopping list.” Is all he says and you nod while picking a slice of melon and chewing it leisurely as you bask on the hazy feeling of still being half asleep

Jaehyun stays by your side, head weirdly pressed to your chest, and asking silently for you to feed him apple slices every now and then with just his mouth opening.

Your mind wanders as you eat and then you’re having one of those moments where realization dawns on you finally. A silly small thing that makes you smile and your chest grow warm. “Jaehyun?” You call out softly, fighting back the bubble of happiness that forms on your chest because old habits are hard to die.

“Hmm?” He looks up at you, eyes blinking at you in the same way he always does, but this time it makes you want to cry a little bit.

You lean down, press a quick peck to his lips that make you both smile and then the words are out of your mouth.

“This is what love is.”

[nemesis729]

I would love, love, love to read your full thoughts ❤

Okay, *cracks fingers*, sit tight because this may be a beast to type out and it may take a few more rereads and some block quotes for me to do a full in-depth analysis. Translation: I’m going to try to do a full-on essay with this because there’s a lot to unpack.

Really, it all boils down to one thing. Billy has a lot to learn. That’s basically been my thought since Reader called it quits at the gala. 

Since the inception of the arrangement, Billy kept the reader at arms’ length. The Reader was aware enough (due to her childhood, most likely) that Billy would run for the hills if anything resembling emotions and relationships were to enter the equation. So, of course, she decided to settle for what he could give her. Okay, yeah, it’s amazing sex but, after a while, it can leave a person cold if there’s little to no emotion involved. In any case, after the wake-up call, Reader decides that she wants more than the scraps and isn’t willing to settle for what he’s giving her. When she ends it with Billy, he’s completely blind-sided because, all of a sudden, without him noticing, Reader is showing that she isn’t as biddable as he expected her to be. I wouldn’t be surprised if, at the gala, he expected her to fall in line when he had her up against a column. 

Anyway, I digress. If anything, because Reader was easy-going in his eyes and he didn’t care enough to observe her during the almost-year of their arrangement, I shouldn’t be surprised that he didn’t understand why she ended things. Seriously, you can’t just pay attention to what’s being said. You also have to pay attention to what’s not being said. 

That’s kind of what I wanted to rant about for chapters 1 through 3. This essentially sums up Billy’s thoughts on the reader:

Up until last Saturday, you had barely been a blip on his radar. Sure you guys were fuck buddies and he liked your easygoing personality, but the thing he appreciated most about you was that you were low maintenance. You didn’t demand anything from him emotionally and that meant he didn’t have to put in any effort into the relationship.

This, in itself, is very telling. For me, it brings home the idea that the arrangement mostly benefitted Billy. Since we, as the audience, know that Reader felt more for Billy than he did for her, we’re left thinking, “wow, what a douchebag,” about him. Like, seriously, during those months they were together, he didn’t make little observations about the reader? No filing away about what her preferences are? Her tics? 

If you were someone he cared about he may have gone over to check on you or made more of an effort to get in touch but, really, he couldn’t be bothered.

That basically summed up the first arc of Reader and Billy’s relationship, such as it was. And, when she decided that enough was enough and she deserved something more substantial, all of a sudden, she’s interesting and now he wants her. 

At this point, I want to say that the tables have turned. Except, I can’t. Maybe. Possibly. Before, Reader suffered in silence about her feelings where she stood in Billy’s life because she was self-aware and able to read the room with regards to Billy. She knew him enough that any discussion about the future and commitments were a no-go for him. Now, when Reader doesn’t want anything to do with him, Billy wants her. As I previously pointed out in my last reply, does he want her for her or is it a point of pride because she was the one that ended it first and not him?

It’s, as the kids say, pretty sus.

Anyhoo, the latest installment of “A Woman Scorned.” What a doozy. The chapter had everything from tension, UST, and protective best friends. 

Davina is the best friend we all wish we had and what we aspire to be. I love how protective she is over the reader. I also enjoyed how judgmental she was at Billy’s lack of knowledge about reader. Here are my favorite scenes:

“Billy Russo.”

Davina ignored his hand, lifting her eyebrow. “I don’t like you.”

“Clearly.”

“And I don’t like that you’re messing around with my friend.”

Billy stood up straight, concerned. “Is she okay?”

“I don’t know. She texted me and told me she couldn’t make it. If I didn’t have to host this thing, I’d be at her place right now. I think she’s a bit freaked out.”

He placed his drink back on the bar. “I’ll go over and see her.”

“What do you want with her?”

This time he couldn’t hide his annoyance. “Enough with the third degree. I’m just going to check up on her. Unless you want her to be alone right now?”

Davina’s eyes narrowed. She was gauging him carefully to see whether he could be trusted or not. At first he had no idea which decision she landed on, but the eventual resignation gave her away. “Let her know I’ll come by tomorrow.”

“Y/N’s not the type to admit when something’s wrong. With her, it’s like pulling teeth.”

“But she has a tell. When she’s upset, she buys shoes.”

“You’ve been sleeping with her for months and you don’t know what she likes?”

As much as Davina would love to keep Billy from Reader, she knows something happened and she knows a familiar face might help Reader in some way or another. Judging by the resignation, she probably wouldn’t be surprised if reader fell into bed with Billy while she’s vulnerable.

Anyhoo, I said it once and I’ll say it again. Billy has a lot to learn.

It was obvious Davina hated him, which made him wonder if that’s why you’d decided to cut him off so suddenly. He filed the question away in his brain, making a mental note to find out the answer from you at some point.

Read the room, Billy! For someone so smart, he has the emotional awareness of a rock. Maybe he’s thinking with the wrong head? That’s something to consider.

During that time when Billy visited reader, his takeaway should be paying attention to what the reader isn’t saying as well as what she is. At the gala, he pointed out that the reader is closed off. That should’ve given him some sign that there’s something more going on.  

He cocked his eyebrow. “Maybe it’s just you I need to learn more about.”

“I think it’s a little late for that.”

Right now, if we’re heading towards the official end of the relationship (and, in the reader’s eyes, we are), this is the epitome of “too little, too late”.

“It’s never too late.” His eyes were suddenly intense, in a way you were only used to seeing when he was angry or turned on. “Maybe you can show up at my place one night, wearing that robe, your favourite heels and nothing else.”

Billy is pretty optimistic that they will still be together. Enough said.

“No. You don’t know what I like.”

He leaned forward, eyes seductively drifting down to your lips. “I have a pretty good idea of what gets you off.”

“Yeah, but what gets me off and what I like might be two different things.”

Billy, I like you but you really need to pay attention and take notes! Of course he would be observant on what gets reader off but has he ever observed her in a non-sexual but intimate way? Somehow, I doubt it. 

“You grew up rich, didn’t you?” he taunted, drumming his fingers on the table.

“Why do you say that?”

“Because only someone who has money would say it doesn’t matter.”

You laughed, chugging the remainder of your wine. If he only knew. “Sure, Billy.”

The fact that she doesn’t say anything more about her family should speak volumes. See the other receipts:

“You have a lot of pictures up,” he remarked. “But there isn’t a single one of you with your family. There’s no sign of them in your apartment.”

“I’m not close to my family.”

“So you and the fam don’t get along?” he probed.

“No.”

“Why?”

“Billy,” you whined, taking a sip of your drink. “I don’t want to talk about my family.”

The reader’s childhood is next-level levels of messed up. If her father was like that, I can only imagine how her mother is. And since she doesn’t have pictures of any of her family, I can say that her mother wasn’t Mrs. Brady. 

One thing I can say about Billy is that at least he didn’t take advantage of reader while she was vulnerable. 

Billy’s jaw was clenched with anger but you told yourself it wasn’t because of you. He was simply pissed Anvil’s competitor was still more successful despite their negligence.

Whether he knows it or not, he cares about her. Knowing the reader, she thinks that he’s more upset on behalf of Anvil as a form of self-preservation. If she were more secure about what they are to each other, she would know that he’s angry because she was in danger. Unfortunately, because she realized that she probably won’t be more to Billy than a bedwarmer, it’s dangerous for her to think that way. 

Still, I have to admit that I liked how he just hugged her. Whether it was in comfort or to lead to something more...that’s going to be a problem in the next chapter. But, in that moment, he sensed Reader needing comfort and did something about it. That might be a smidgeon of growth right there.

Okay, wow, that was way longer than I thought. So, here are my final thoughts:

Billy’s an asshole but he’s our asshole and we love him. Even when he’s earnestly pursuing Reader, he’s still an ass. Reader is more guarded than ever because of the suppressed feelings she had for Billy combined with seeing him with Madani and her insecurities. It’s a horrible trifecta. 

It doesn’t help that Billy’s pursuing her and attempting to woo her when all she wants is distance. He definitely has his work cut out for him because Reader isn’t going to make this easy. Aside from her childhood, she already had a sample of “fuckboy” Billy. She’s familiar with that version of him. And she wants more than a fuckboy. She wants more than that and she knows that Billy can’t give her that more. Naturally, she’s going to keep him at arms and legs length.  

This constant push and pull is highly entertaining and I can’t wait to read more. I’m sorry this review was way too long and rambling but I couldn’t stop once I got going. I hope I wasn’t being too hard on Billy. I feel like I am. (I probably am.)

Love! 

[fucker-anon]

Puppeteer Headcanons

K so this mans has been living in my head rent free since I first laid eyes on them (like 2013) so here are my headcanons about their backstories, personalities, and more. Some are inspired by the original stories and lore, some are inspired by other bloggers, some are me self-projecting. Warning there are mentions of dark themes so keep caution. Also i am not a writer, (im sorry) @creepy-bi-day enjoy!!

Puppeteer~

Backstory: 

Puppeteer was born as Jonathon Blake on July 23, 1974

Mother was Hispanic, dad was American. He grew up speaking Spanish and English. He also never really got along with both sides of the family cause he’s mixed (they didn’t like that). They kinda preferred his siblings.

had 4 younger siblings (3 girls, 1 boy). He was 4 years older than the second child.

ever since he could walk he was obsessed with musical theater. For a while his family was able to Johnny to theater camp. Stopped after the 3rd child was born due to financial reasons

parents were working full time to take care of their family. meant Johnny was basically acting like a 3rd parent. good news was he was able to take care of all 4 of them and meet their basic need of being fed, staying clean etc. bad news it meant that he was taking care of them 24/7 and was constantly tired and not taking care of himself. Started to develop symptoms of depression, but couldn’t get help due to the stigmas around mental health + he’s a guy.

got worse in highschool when his work load increased and he wanted to do more in drama and music but couldn’t cause he had to take care of his siblings. He also didn’t make many close friends except for one girl in his drama class Erma. 

Erma was his best friend and they started dating in their second year of highschool. She helped him as much as she could with his mental health, their studies, and even helped babysit some days. They brought out the best in each other. 

Erma loved dance and wanted to become a ballerina, but her parents tried to keep her focus on studies. They did allow her to take theater which she also loved. Her parents were very strict and controlling so she had to hid her relationship.

It wasn’t until the second child turned 13 (johnny was 17), when she started to help out more with the other three siblings (12f, 9f, 7m). Thanks to her help and now they were in a better financial position, johnny was able to join plays and bands which had afterschool practices.

He was really good. He discovered he was born with perfect pitch and was able to get the lead in a play in his final year. This was also when he was able to score a scholarship so some of his uni fees would be paid for.

he decided to major in theater and wanted to go on Broadway or at least become a drama teacher

however when apply for uni, Erma’s parents discovered their relationship and they offered Erma a choice, break up with johnny or else they wouldn’t pay for Erma’s schooling. They hated johnny mostly due to racism and the fact that he wasnt going into a “stable career”. Erma choose to break up with Johnny but didn’t want to tell him these reasons cause she knew that it would upset him. So instead she told him that she’s fallen out of love and wanted to break up.

Johnny agreed mostly to make her happy, but this started his spiral downwards.

Johnny didn’t have any friends other than Erma, he also went to uni in a different city so he didn’t have his family there. His depression got really bad, and he ended up isolating himself and failing first term. He decided to kill himself via hanging. Problem is he wasn't heavy enough to kill himself right away, so he was suffering for hours. 

He spent his last few hours allowing himself to finally “be selfish” and allowed himself to be angry at his family, Erma, and his overall life.

due to this anger, he was able to come back as a ghost, wanting others to feel the same pain as him.

when he came back he was able to change his body into his idea of a perfect vessel, some improvement were making himself taller, better hair, clear face, smooth voice, bigger dick.  and now feeds off of negative energy

Personality:

cold-hearted, cunning, manipulative, a smooth talking, somewhat charming. this is the very carefully crafted version of Puppeteer, He’s the guy who could talk you into doing anything, mostly stuff like jumping off a bridge

however once you get close to him, you see more of Johnathon than puppet. He is very protective of his close friends, will fuss over them and scold them if they aren’t taking care of themselves

good luck getting there tho. After Erma he really had a hard time opening up to ppl due to his fear that they will all leave him at one point. 

Powers:

he feeds off of negative energies, the more trauma the better (finally imma a snack), so he usually influences his victims into a deep depressed state where they off themselves. However once he started hanging out with the creeps (mansion au), he really didn’t need to do that since everyone is a lil fucked up. He just feeds off a little bit of everyone, so that no one is really affected. At this point, he probably has enough energy to outlive the fucking queen

He’s a ghost so he can levitate at most like 10 m above the ground, and if he focuses, he can go through walls and become invisible. 

he has golden strings due to the ectoplasm inside of him (make his eyes and mouth glow to). This strings are like limbs, They are tough to break but if you do its gonna hurt him a lot. They can extend up to 60 ft, and are about 1 cm thick. 

Fun Facts (cause idk how to categorize these)

lots of trauma, need therapy. he feels a lot of shame for what happened and only opens up to his very close friends. again born in 70′s, theres the toxic masculinity and some internalized homophobia. 

still a theater kid!! love musicals and can still sing and play guitar. His vocal cords are a lil more sensitive cause the whole hanging thing, but as long as he warms up, can has the range baby. also has Macbeth memorized

can still cook. while he doesn’t like his past and doesn’t need to eat. He wrote down all of the recipes he knew and will sometimes make them again

dick is 6.5 inchs soft 7.5 hard, i know y’all wanted to know. if also like 6′2 tall. tall big boi

i hc him as pansexual. yea he rather died again than admit that he loves someone, but he won’t care about gender. he still is cis tho.

he does fuck. not often but occasionally. slightly lower sex drive than average 

grunge king. he grew up in poverty and he great at diy. very leans more punk grunge but can be soft grunge depending on his mood. love beanies and his hair is a little longer than chin length with lots of layers. He is tempted to shave off the sides of his head tho. also has grunge and punk music on his playlists.

bad with tech. like the opposite of ben. gets called an old man since he couldn’t figure out how the tv remote works.

he doesn’t grow facial hair, doesn’t like the look.

acts like he’s too proper to cuss, but he does.... a lot

experienced some racism while growing up so he does say ACAB

probably has some piercings or tattoos or both 

still is depressed, has some tough days, but doctor ej gets him pills to help and he has a good support system

shit this was a lot so Helen is next with another post. ill get into their friendship and relationships with other in a whole new post if yall like it. someone tell me if this gives joy cause i could write an essay on this man

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #438

“i won’t let you die, keep you alive just to remind you of what you are not”

What is your favorite card game? Probably Magic: The Gathering, even though I'm not great at it. I just ADORE the artwork, mainly. Is YouTube one of your favorite websites? Yeah, given I'm constantly on it. Does your mother have a sister? If so, what’s her name? Yeah, named Kelly. What are you doing tomorrow? I'll be going with Mom to the pool at the gym. She goes Tuesdays and Thursday, so I'm going to start joining her to help ease soreness from my exercise days. Would you ever want to go to Africa? It's high on my bucket list! I am DESPERATE to visit the KMP and photograph and pet and pamper the meerkats. :') Last time you went bowling? Not since I was on a date with Girt. Would you ever want to own a bakery? Noooo, I don't enjoy cooking of any sort. I'm way too impatient. Do you like to text? It's funny, I don't enjoy it as much as I used to. I make typos too much and autocorrect only wants to work at the WRONG time, it seems. I'd still rather text than actually talk on the phone, though. You want your next pet to be what? To be realistic, it'll probably be a western hognose snake. I REALLY want a tarantula, but Mom absolutely will not allow it for as long as I live with her, lol. Trust me, I've pestered her about it. Would you rather be a vampire or a mermaid? Eh, probably a vampire. Do you prefer white or black electronics? Black. Do you like Nerds candy? Yeah. Is your favorite animal something you can have as a pet? I could write a college-length essay on why you absolutely shouldn't, but it's sadly legal in some countries. Thankfully, not America. What was the last classic novel you read? Did you enjoy it? Oh yikes, I have no idea. Name three movies which have a soundtrack you really love: Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron, Tarzan, and The Blair Witch Project: Book of Shadows. What’s the scariest video game you’ve ever played? I know it's super cliche, but I genuinely found Outlast terrifying. As well, SCP Containment Breach is a game I can't even play because the jumpscares startle me too much, lol. They're just too loud. Do you own any pet fish? What kind of fish are they? No. I'm not really interested in keeping fish as pets. What is the most irritating thing that a boyfriend or girlfriend has ever done to you? Tyler wanted to talk CONSTANTLY. Barely even two weeks in and he got all bent out of shape over there being days we just didn't text. Like dude, especially this early in a relationship, I don't want to talk 24/7. He acted like we were together for years or some shit. Like sorry I want alone time. That relationship was just a bad idea. Have you ever known someone who was in an abusive relationship? Sadly. Out of all of your friends/relatives, who would you say has the best vocabulary? Probably Girt. He's just in general very smart. When yawning, do you cover your mouth? If out in public, yes. If you had a garden, what would you plant in it? Would you actually tend to it, or would it wind up neglected & withered? I could NEVER maintain a garden, but if I had the motivation and tolerance for the heat, that'd be nice. I'd love mostly flowers, and a grapevine would be pretty! Plus some strawberries. Do you like peanut butter? Yeah, definitely. What about marshmallows? Yep. How do you roast your marshmallows? They have to be BARELY brown at all. Like it has to be the liiightest toast. Do you eat s’mores? Ugh, hell yes. I really want some now, thanks. Own a lava lamp? No, but I'd love a pink one. :( Or black. Own any sort of glow-in-the-dark room accessory? No. Ever done something sexual in public? No, I have common decency. Do you like the taste of squid or eel? I COULD FUCKING NEVER TRY EITHER. Slimy or rubbery stuff like that is such a massive no. Ever date anybody in middle school? Yeah, Aaron in the 7th grade for a few months. Did you like to get dirty when you were little? I think I did. Like I know I loved speeding through mud puddles on my bike as a kid. Own anything that has to do with dragons or unicorns? I have a lot of dragon decor. Ever wanted to be a vet? Yep. Ever written your number in a public bathroom or a school text book? If so, did anyone actually call you? No. What type of weapon do you prefer? Uh, none...? I don't like weapons. Is there something that you haven’t told anyone that you actually would like to tell someone? No, not really. Would you rather watch a full season of American Idol, or So You Think You Can Dance? The latter, by far. I used to love that show. I really enjoy watching dances. Have you ever worn boxers? Pretty sure no? Last hickey was from? I've only gotten to that point with one person, you can figure it out. Have you ever put a kick me sign on the back of someone? No, that is so rude. Are there any inappropriate pictures of you anywhere? No. I've never taken an inappropriate picture. How many times do you tend to sneeze in a row? Two or three. Karma; believe or don’t? I don't believe it's a thing. I wish it was. Ever changed a diaper? Once. Or maybe twice? No plans on ever doing that again. When you see anything smaller than a quarter on the ground, do you pick it up? I don't even pick quarters up, really. Can bald guys ever be attractive? Um, yes? Do you like hugs? Yessss. Would you ever donate blood? Yeah, I have before. I'd just have to get better about drinking water so I don't faint. Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth? No. Ever had the opposite sex over when no one was home? You make that sound so scandalous, lmao. Yeah. What is the last song to make you cry? "Another Life" by Motionless In White. Have you ever kissed someone in the rain? Yeah. Have you kissed someone with braces? No. Are you anyone’s first love? I don't believe so. Anything happen to you within the past month that made you really happy? I'M LOSING WEIGHTTTTTT. :') The gym is paying off! Is there a person of the opposite gender on your mind? That's kinda a permanent thing. He's always there, even if only in the back. Who was the last person to wink at you? My cat, ha ha. Did you parents know what gender you were before you were born? Yes. Are any of your really close friends pregnant right now? REALLY close friends, nope. Are you for or against inter-racial relationships? ... You know it's 2021, right???? This never should have been controversial. Have you ever been addicted to something unhealthy? Well, there's caffeine... When the holidays come around, do you watch holiday movies? No. When was the last time someone insulted you? What was the insult? I don't recall. Do you say “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” in order to avoid offending people who don’t celebrate Christmas? I honestly just say "merry Christmas." Have you ever made/played with a sock puppet before? Yes. Have you ever seen a waterfall (aside from in a fountain or other manmade things)? Only small ones. Are you a frequent sufferer of heartburn? Yes; I actually have a prescription for chronic heartburn. If I don't take it, I'll get heartburn to the point I come near tears. How many different colleges have you gone to? Three. How much stress can you handle? Ha, not a lot at all. What is one thing you thought you’d never do but have done or are doing? I'm 25 and feel like I've just... wasted so much, and I continue to. I never thought I'd make it to this age and to have gone so short a distance in terms of being a successful adult. Have you ever disowned a friend or family member for their beliefs? I've stopped being friends with people, yes. Do you ever feel like your life is too boring or predictable? It 120% is. Do you think you will die happy? To be honest... I think no a lot of the time. Do you like looking at pictures? Yeah. Are you a submissive person? Very. Do you believe the dead can have connections with the living? I do. What are your views on the death penalty? I support it in extreme cases. Once you prove to be a thorough monster that deeply endangers other humans... you don't deserve life. We as a society have to work together, not destroy one another. Do you like horror movies? Why or why not? Yeah! I like the thrill of them. Would you ever be able to become a vegan? No; I am FAR too picky with my food. I want to be vegan, but I just wouldn't survive. What was your favorite toy as a child? I had a whole story based around some plastic dinosaurs, alligators, deer, and Pokemon figurines. Who was your first best friend? What is your favorite memory of/with them? Are you two still friends? Brianna. I don't know what my favorite memory is... We made a lot. We're Facebook friends, but we don't talk anymore. Would you rather hang out with someone who is always high or someone who constantly wants to get drunk all the time? High, I guess. Drunk people I think get sloppier and, in some cases, angry. The (few) high people I've been around have just been chill and friendly. How did you meet your newest friend? I'm not entirely sure who I consider to be my newest friend. The last time you kissed someone, were your arms around their neck? I don't think so? I'm pretty sure I was just hugging her around the waist. You have to get a facial piercing, what do you get? I've mentioned how I wanna get my nose re-pierced in multiple surveys. Do you straighten your hair? No. When is the next time you will see the person you like? Who knows, dude. I really want to be able to walk for two minutes without feeling like I'm dying before I go to an airport again, and even more importantly, even as a fully-vaccinated person, I want Covid to chill out before I travel again. And who the fuck knows when that'll be since people don't want to listen to goddamn professionals. Did you get to sleep in today? I actually slept through my alarm and was late to gym today. :x Your first dog? I was born into the family with a collie named Trigger, but she passed when I was a baby, so I don't have any memories of her. We got what I want to say was a Rottweiler mix named Angel at one point, who I consider our first family dog, but she was born with that disease that some puppies have where they just... die. Who I consider MY first REAL dog was Teddy. <3 Stood loyally by my side as my furry son and most devoted friend for around 13 years. Do you prefer mint, citrus, or cinnamon toothpaste? Mint. Are you one of those people who are always cold? No, I'm always hot. Have you done anything sneaky lately? No. Have you ever had feelings for someone and thought “This is the person I want to be with forever”? Yeah, twice. Do you keep notes, drawings or letters that people give you? Of course! Have you had a significant other that you never kissed? Well, boyfriends, but I wouldn't count the ones I haven't kissed as truly "significant other"s. Has anybody ever dated you only for your looks? I don't think so. Do you have any handshakes with anybody? Nah. What are you listening to? "Necessary Evil" by Motionless In White & Jonathan Davis. Would you take back your last boyfriend/girlfriend? Yeah. Who is your favorite band? How long have they been? Ozzy Osbourne. Since middle school. Who is your favorite author? I don't have a fave. Do you like cheesecake? BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH- How did you meet the last person you kissed? YouTube, back when it had more social aspects. Do you wake up cranky? Not usually, no. I'm actually in my best mood in the morning. Have you ever met your favorite band/singer? No, but holy fuck would that be awesome. I want to thank him for his music so badly. Do you have a good relationship with your parent(s)? Yeah. Has the last person you kissed ever been to your house? My old house, yes, but not this one. Do chickens have feelings? Yes. Have you ever been to a spa? Yeah, even though I really wasn't interested. I just went with Colleen because she invited me. I appreciated her wanting to hang out and include me of course, so I was happy to go, but it's not something I'd do of my own volition. The last time you were in the fridge, what were you looking for? The lemonade. Favorite South Park character? I don't have one, given I'm not interested in the show. How often do you have to shave? When/where I shave grows back FAST, so frequently. Ever go ghost hunting? No but omg I'd love to. Someone date me just to go do this together one night lmao. Do you have any family in the military? No. Can you talk to your mother about most things? I know I CAN talk to her about absolutely everything, but I don't always. Would you ever homeschool your children? If they wanted it and it'd be beneficial to their health and educational success, then yes. Are you afraid of change? Oh boy, am I. Who’s your favourite character from one of your favourite books? I'll go with The Outsiders, in which case I remember it was Dally.

[afoolforatook]

A RWBY V7 Ep12 rant.....When I say this is long..... Legit was fucking 37 pages double spaced at one point. Sorry....

Before this gets started I want to warn you, this is long (even longer than I thought it’d be going in). It’s probably too long ... actually it is definitely too long but if I agonize over editing it down again and again I won’t get it up before the finale. It’s probably repetitive at times, and most certainly not anything I’ll be showing off as an example of my top essay writing. And I want to be able to say that the length pays off because I have some grand hopeful insight at the end. I want to say I know things will be okay. But the fact that I can’t is exactly why I’m writing this, and why it’s so long. So if you need this to have a hopeful ending, I’m sorry, I don’t have one for you currently. I want to, so badly. But to me false hope would be even worse.  So if you can’t handle another long post that doesn’t end with a way to fix things, it’s okay, take care of yourself. But maybe the most hopeful thing I can tell you, and tell you up front, is that you aren’t alone in your pain. 

I want to preface this all with one more thing: I don’t hate CRWBY. I respect them, support them. I’ve wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt as much as I could.  That doesn’t mean I can’t criticize them or expect more from them or just be plain angry with them. I can be vocal about all of that without harassing them, without hating them. I don’t think they’re just plain evil or homophobic. I still want to believe that they can do things that will allow me to trust them again. Maybe it’s naive, but I want to, at the very least, still have hope that this wasn’t malicious, just very poorly conceived and executed. 

And I know that other people who are hurting like me are lashing out towards CRWBY. And while I don’t at all condone that kind of reaction, I can understand it to an extent. Because I’m very, very hurt and angry and it would be so easy to let loose and say all the awful stuff I want to in my anger. To yell and call people out and not care how I come across. It would definitely be a lot easier than spending all week writing this long thing and agonizing over making it perfect. There is nothing wrong with venting and being raw and open and angry, but just as we want CRWBY to be aware that their actions can truly hurt people, we need to be conscious of the fact that so can ours.  Many people are very hurt right now. And whether or not you think it was queerbaiting/BYG or not, or even whether or not you just think it was bad writing, no one has the right to invalidate the people who are hurting right now, many of whom are queer people dealing with personal traumas and mental illness. 

The few people who are attacking CRWBY and other fans (and there is a difference between being angry and vocal about that anger and just attacking them) do not invalidate the hurt people are feeling. If you are hurt or angry you have every right to be. You have every right to stop watching the show or leave the fandom, or communicate your hurt to CRWBY. But communicate means just that; communicate. Talk. You can be as angry as you are, you don’t have to temper your pain to be more tolerable to the people who caused that pain. But there is a difference between being harsh and honest about how hurt you are, and harassing real people. And I won’t say “harassing real people over a fictional character/show” because I know it’s more complicated than that. My hurt this past week isn’t over a fictional character or a ship. It’s about me and what I’ve been through and the fact that the very thing that gave me strength in hard times was turned into something that confirmed my biggest fears and hurt me immensely. 

The world always gets so sentimental when we see things about fictional stories giving people some comfort, and we celebrate that. But as soon as people say they can be hurt just as much by media, we lash out, say they’re overreacting, that they’re just getting upset over fictional characters. But you can’t have it both ways. We can’t want fiction to be important and inspiring to people and then belittle people who are negatively impacted by the same material, especially when often that vulnerability comes from a history of trauma and/or being neurodivergent. I am extremely hurt. I feel betrayed and abandoned and angry. And it will take time for me to process all of that and move past it. But I can be all of those things without attacking CRWBY or the people who might disagree with me. 

To me, this isn’t about disagreeing. We can argue forever about whether or not this was queerbaiting or bury your gays or poor writing (and I honestly at this moment don’t even know what I think about all of that because I’m not in that headspace currently) but the fact is that there are many, many people who feel it was, and who are hurting because of that, and whether you believe it was or not does not give you the right to invalidate the real pain that they are feeling.  Who is right is less important than the fact that people, people who were already vulnerable, have been hurt. So, please. Respect each other. Respect those who are hurting. Respect those who aren’t and don’t understand, and respect CRWBY. You can still be angry and speak out without attacking others. 

With that said, to fully understand why this has affected me so much, and why it’s going to take a long time for me to get back to where I was, regardless of how the volume ends, there are things you need to know about my history. It’s a lot of background and this is already going to be a longer post than I’d really like, but it’s important to understanding why RWBY is so important to me, and thus able to have such a negative effect on me. So please, bear with me. Also, fair warning, though at this point it’s probably obvious, but my story isn’t happy. I still haven’t found my own positive ending to it. If it’s too much for you to read right now, please, like I said before, take care of yourself. 

I guess I should introduce myself. My name is Farley. I’m 24, nonbinary (they/them), biromantic, demisexual. I have MDD, GAD, ADHD, Panic Disorder, OCD, Comorbid PTSD, and am trying to get an official autism diagnosis. I’m a full on alphabet soup. I struggle with imposter syndrome, intrusive thoughts, self-isolation, dermatillomania, and multiple trauma related phobias. My queer and neurodivergent identities are huge parts of my life and I try to be as open as possible about them, in the hopes of helping end the stigma around them. One of the main ways I cope with my mental health issues on a day to day basis is through hyperfixations. While it might not technically be the healthiest method, it’s what I’ve found to work for me when I’m in a really bad place and unable to practice more active coping skills. Through stories and characters that I relate to, I can separate my problems from myself a little and both escape from them for a while when needed, and view them a little more clearly from a new perspective.  

That’s some important info about me, but what really matters here is the past five years of my life and the trauma within them. 

In October of 2015, a few months into my sophomore year of college, I went into a deep depression, mostly brought on by multiple family deaths and stresses over the past summer that I had not properly had time to process and recover from. I quit my job as an RA and withdrew from school and moved back home with my parents.  While this was the right decision at the time, it wasn’t easy. I left a very close group of friends at school, and didn’t really have a strong support system at home aside from my parents. My friends from high school had all gone off to college themselves, and the few that still lived in town were often busy with work or school. And because I have an intense fear of driving and needed time to get myself in a better place before starting a job, I ended up spending most of my time home alone. I became more and more isolated, to the point of verging on agoraphobic, and my parents and I started thinking about ways I could basically get my life started again. 

 But isolation messes with your head, and makes you want to just isolate more and more. In mid February of 2016 I started to really work on being social again. Mostly because I started talking to my best friend from high school, Emma, regularly again. She knew I was struggling, and while I’ve always had a hard time keeping in touch with people, Emma has always been the person I never felt self conscious about going to. We talked everyday. After high school, Emma’s mom and younger brother had moved to Ohio (I live in NC) and Emma had gone to school in Oregon. Her father lives in Germany. So between visiting her family in Ohio and Germany she didn’t have a lot of time during breaks to come back to NC to visit friends. Since we graduated I’d only seen her once for about 12 hours during that awful summer. But now we were skyping and chatting everyday. And slowly I started to be less and less scared of being more social. I wanted to hang out with friends. I was excited about going back to school in the fall. 

Something important to understand about me and Emma is how close we’ve always been. We’d been best friends since 8th grade. We told each other we were soulmates, soulfriends, when we were 15. Nearly everyone in our small high school thought we were dating at one time or another. I always knew I loved her. I was fine with our relationship being “only” platonic. Because platonic wasn’t “only”. It was absolutely perfect. It was having her as one of the most important people in my life, and me in hers, and that’s all I wanted. But I also knew that if she ever wanted to try a romantic relationship, I’d be open. 

Around the time I left school Emma had been going through a lot herself. She was finally getting help for her own mental health issues and she was, for the first time, really thinking about her identity and sexuality. On May 4th 2016 she texted me like always, but this time she was nervous. She wanted to tell me something. She said she was still confused about her sexuality and didn’t know where she fell. But when she tried to think of being with someone, the only person she pictured was me. And I told her basically what I just told you. So we started talking about testing out us being a couple. She had already been planning to come to NC to visit after she went to Ohio later that month for her brother’s high school graduation. And my parents were going on a two week vacation around that time as well. So we decided that she would come and stay with me for two weeks. We would keep this to ourselves until then, so that we could see if this was really the best thing for us. And if so, then we’d tell people. We’d always talked about living together after school, but now we wanted to see exactly what we wanted our relationship to be. She bought a bus ticket for May 26th and would stay through June 10th or so, which would mean she’d be there for her 20th birthday on June 5th. We talked everyday about our plans for her visit. How excited we were, how we could cook dinner together and dance around the house in our underwear, and just get to be Us again. We talked to friends, planning to visit friends from high school and maybe even my friends from college.

On May 18th I texted Emma around 11 pm. I hadn’t heard from her all day which was unusual but she was in Ohio celebrating her mom’s birthday and getting ready for her brother’s graduation that weekend, so she was probably just busy. We’d told each other goodnight every night for months at that point. So I told her I loved her and was so excited to see her in just over a week.

The next morning it was a bit odd that she still hadn’t texted me back but again, I just assumed she was busy with family. And then the mail came, and the last part of a birthday present I was making for her arrived. So I got to work, giddy. 

Around 2 pm my other best friend from high school, Juli, called me. For some reason I decided I’d just call her back later, I was too engrossed in making Emma’s present. About 20 minutes later I heard a knock on my door and turned to see my parents standing in the doorway to my room. I vividly remember spinning around happily and saying “Hey! Everything okay?” even as I noticed the tears on my dad’s face and how pale my mom was. My stomach knotted and I stood as my mom said “N-no. Honey…..” and walked towards me. I took a deep breath, preparing myself for her to say that a grandparent or aunt or uncle had died. But as she got closer and put a shaking hand on my shoulder, I got a little more confused, a different kind of scared. One of my cousins? One of my baby cousins?  

Nothing could have prepared me for her telling me that there’d been an accident in Ohio. That Emma, and her mom, and her brother, and her aunt had been in a crash…. And that all four of them had been killed on impact. The only thing I remember about the rest of the night is the pain of continuously screaming, punching the wall until my dad stopped me, and calling my friends from college, trying to have someone to talk to, someone who I could call who wouldn’t also be mourning. I couldn’t handle my own grief, let alone anyone else’s at that moment. 

There’s a lot more to that story. There’s the memorial service in Ohio and meeting her dad and stepmom for the first time. There’s the service we put together at our high school and seeing our friend group all together again, except not. There’s the panic attacks every time I saw a garbage truck, or my parents drove off to work. 

But most importantly for what you need to know right now, is my sliding back into isolation. I barely ever saw my friends from home and every time I did for the next two years it had something to do with mourning Emma. I saw my college friends a few times; them coming to visit or me taking a bus to stay the weekend. But eventually they went back to school and I stayed at home. I drifted away from high school friends because I didn’t know how to handle being with them when everything we did together reminded me of what I’d lost. I didn’t know how to talk to them because I needed their support but knew I didn’t have it in me to be supportive of them, and that wasn’t fair. I drifted away from my college friends for the same reasons, and even more so as the group dynamic that I had left slowly changed and faded until I didn’t know who was talking to who anymore and I again felt bad for dumping my shit on them when I couldn’t do the same. I began to think that all I brought to any social interaction was my pain and hopelessness. I would just bring everyone else down. They shouldn’t have to deal with my pain. So a year after I left school I was even more alone. I’d lost or pushed away all the people in my life that I’d expected to be lifelong friends, family. And I didn’t know how to begin to fix that. I didn’t know if I wanted to. I didn’t know if I deserved to. 

The only reason I was even still alive was because anytime I even got close to thinking about hurting myself, I could just sense Emma glaring at me, yelling at me, telling me that I couldn’t let this stop me from living out all those dreams we’d talked about. And I knew that my life wasn’t just mine anymore, that all those dreams, that bond, the parts of my favorite person that only I knew, would be lost if I died. 

But I didn't have my friends to vent to, and as supportive as my parents were (I’d told them and a few close friends about me and Emma that first terrible week) I needed friends. But I didn’t know how to reconnect and I was too scared to go out and meet new people, especially knowing that at some point I’d have to drop the “dead girlfriend” bomb on them, and who’d want to stick around after that?  So I tried to use media and hyperfixations to pull myself out of spirals, like I always had. But it was hard. Because most of the things that had been comforting before were all things I’d shared with Emma, and so now they were just more reminders of her absence. And even new things I found soon turned rotten because I couldn’t help but think about how I wish I could show it to Emma. Everything that made me happy for even a moment would pretty soon make me sad. 

Eventually I found things that comforted me and helped me be creative again and that led me to starting school again, nearly three years after I’d left, at SCAD.  I loved the classes. I wanted to be there. I’ve always been a fiction writer but now there was so much in my head that I needed to get out, to process, and to share with people, especially people like me dealing with an unimaginable grief. Those past few years had been made even more difficult by the lack of representation I found in grief material. Everything was either about grieving the elderly, not someone who’d barely even gotten to live. Or if it was about someone young it was due to suicide or disease or violence; in other words things that at the very least, left the grieving with some cause to care about, or something to be angry at, some real world outlet. I didn’t have that. I didn’t relate to that. And even harder was finding anything I could relate to that included the complexities that my queer identity put on my grief; there were people I could and couldn’t tell about our relationship. Did I say I lost my best friend or my girlfriend? What if her family didn’t approve and wouldn’t talk to me, wouldn’t let me have any of her things, wouldn’t want me around? And one of the biggest things I kept thinking those first few months; why had my life become a ‘bury your gays’ soap opera plot line. Was Emma supposed to just be my tragic backstory now? Was I just supposed to use this as angsty fodder for the rest of my life? What about her? What about her dreams, her potential? What about her progress? She’d just gotten to a place where she was accepting herself. Where she was overcoming her mental health issues, where she was proud of who she was. Why was I allowed to keep going and she wasn’t?  I couldn’t find any support for these feelings. Not books or groups or forums. So I decided to make them myself. I started writing and drawing, putting together what I called my Grief Scrapbook. I was working towards the thing that mattered to me more than anything; telling our story. I was getting the chance to create the content I’d so desperately needed. 

But I was still alone, even at school. I was 23 living with mostly 18/19 year olds. And while there wasn’t anything wrong with them, I was struggling with a strong sense of dissociation. Everywhere I looked I saw Emma, forever 19. And there I was, continuing to age and getting further and further away from her. 

My first year at SCAD I made two friends, and while I love them, they didn’t fulfill the hole left by the large close knit groups of friends I’d lost. I tried to get back in touch with my best friend from college, only to find that she was no longer talking to me. And I don’t blame her really. Yes I’d been going through things, but so had she, and I hadn’t been able to be a good friend for her. So if she needed to move on for her own good, no matter how sad that made me, she had every right to do what was best for her, just as I had been trying to do. 

I’m now in my second year at SCAD and recently started hanging out with a new group. And they’re great and I’m slowly feeling more confident and secure around them, but I still struggle. I still miss the relationships I held so dear, the relationships I let dissolve. I still worry I’ll never have that kind of connection with people again, and that if I do somehow manage to find it, I’ll mess it up again.  Some days are particularly rough, when I sit with my thoughts too long, or see something that reminds me of any one of the many people I miss, and I ache for the happiness I had. And it’s those moments when I turn to hyperfixations (I do promise this is getting to RWBY). 

This past February the final How To Train Your Dragon movie came out. The HTTYD franchise holds a very dear place in my heart, as it was my main hyperfixation during high school, and something I shared with Emma and other friends. The second film came out the day of my graduation. It was the last movie Emma and I saw together before she moved to Ohio and then went to school in Oregon. It was the last movie we saw together at all. I knew it was going to be very emotional for me to see the final movie, alone now. But I had to see it opening night. And (spoilers for The Hidden World I guess) the movie ended up being about the reality of having to let go of the important people from your childhood as you grow up. About dealing with the fact that sometimes the people you expected to always be a part of your life, aren’t. I loved the movie, but it destroyed me. A few months later I had to get through May, the 3rd anniversary, away from home for the first time. And it was extremely difficult. I’d had to take a break from HTTYD and process things. 

So my main hyperfixations weren’t helping me get through a really difficult time. But around the time HTTYD 3 came out I happened to get back into RWBY. I’d watched the first season or so when it first came out, but then had just kind of forgotten about it. And so, in the absence of HTTYD, I got caught up. And I can’t say there weren’t things that hurt, that made me have to take a moment and collect myself.  Watching the end of volume three, watching Pyrrha and Jaune finally kiss, and then watch their relationship die with her before they even had a chance to be together, hit way too close to home. Logically I should have projected on Jaune more than I did but I think I couldn’t, because it wasn’t just similar, it felt like I was literally watching the worst moment of my life play out. He was too much like me to handle. But there was Qrow. And at first I just kind of latched onto him because I liked him. I like his characterization, his design, and I was a fan of V*c ( I hate to even mention him here for fear of causing a totally different discourse, but Emma and I were big fans of his and high school and met him and when everything happened with him it was just another thing that felt like a good memory of Emma had been tainted.)  

And so I was watching while the last half of volume six was airing. And I was watching Qrow slip further and further into his depression. I watched as he felt betrayed by Oz after grieving him and then getting him back. I thought more about how he’d basically lost his sister, about how he’d grieved for Summer (regardless of whether it was platonic or romantic), how he lost hope in having strong relationships ever again. How he felt cursed and how he pushed people away to protect them and himself from more pain. I saw how the Apathy affected him and how close he was to giving in before Ruby and Weiss snapped him out of it. I saw him struggle to get himself back together for Ruby and the rest of the kids, but not know how. I saw every single fear I’d struggled with those past few years in him. I related to Qrow more than I’d ever expected to. And so my hyperfixation on RWBY grew. His addiction was my isolation. His insecurities of hurting others and thus pushing them away was my fear that for the rest of my life, I would be alone because I was always going to be too broken to be worthy of friends and love. 

And then everything happened with V*c and for a bit everything hurt again and I had to get away from RWBY and the toxicity within parts of the fandom. And when I was able to come back I was excited but worried. I hoped that Qrow would continue to develop, continue to progress alongside me, that I would like his new actor enough to finish healing the sting I’d felt over V*c.  I just wanted Qrow back, I wanted this character to be there to help me again.

Because Qrow Branwen gave me hope. He gave me hope that I could get better. He gave me hope that even with my insecurities and trauma, something I’ll never be fully free from, I can deserve people who care about me, and that there are actually people who will care about me. He gave me hope that good things can still happen to broken people. And not just people who were once broken and have healed, but people who are still figuring out how to heal, who know they will never fully heal, but also know they still are worthy of support and care. And then volume 7 started and I got more than I’d ever dreamed. 

There was the hug with Ironwood. And even though I shipped Ironqrow, the idea of there being a romantic aspect to that hug wasn’t what made it important. It was the fact that we got Qrow connecting with an old ally (and an adult), finding that he even still had an old ally. That despite everything that had happened with Oz and Lionheart, despite all the trust he’d had broken, maybe he wasn’t actually alone yet. And then we got Clover. I’ll admit I was wary of him at first. I was worried about the traitor theories, the death theories, and then the theories that he’d negatively affect Qrow, making him feel worse about his semblance. But then he grew on me so quickly. Because he smiled at Qrow. He got him to talk about himself, called him out when he was putting himself down, told him how well he was doing. And while it’s wasn’t because of Clover, he was sober, and Clover had to at the very least help him stay that way. Qrow was hunching less when he walked, opening up, being more vulnerable and social. He was smiling, laughing, making jokes. He had a steady partner that he trusted and worked well with, likely for the first time since team STRQ. And yes, I shipped them, but honestly while I would have still been disappointed if it was never canon, given how blatant it really seemed like it could be, it would ultimately have been okay. Because again, it was less about Qrow finding love and more about him finding support.   And then I saw Qrow and Clover and Robyn team up, and whether it was canon or just fandom I felt represented. Not just in the way I had with Qrow about my mental health, but as a queer person struggling with complicated grief; the exact thing I had never been able to find and had taken upon myself to create for others. I saw Qrow being loved (again, whether platonic or romantic isn’t as important) and healing. Even if Fairgame never actually happened, I could still see them as queer characters helping each other process trauma. And maybe I set myself up in a bubble part of the fandom that fully convinced me that Fairgame was possible, but at the very least I truly, undoubtedly thought that Clover would side with Qrow. 

And as I watched episode 12, I could feel my stomach sinking. Okay Clover didn’t side with Qrow at first, but maybe he’ll come around. Okay maybe he won’t come around, but maybe he’ll take Qrow in and they’ll have time to talk, maybe even with Ironwood. But then Clover abandons the ship, abandons Qrow and I was scrambling even more for hope that things would be okay.  Maybe he’s trying to get away to diffuse things. But then “Never pegged you for the manipulative type” the first sign of Qrow doubting their entire relationship, of feeling betrayed again. And then Clover calls Qrow cynical? Maybe I’m forgetting something, cause I haven’t gone back and analyzed every scene with them, but I can’t remember Qrow ever being cynical around Clover this volume that we’ve seen. Self-deprecating yes, but this is legitimately the happiest and most secure we’ve ever seen Qrow. But okay maybe they’ll reason and Clover will come around. But then “We don’t have to fight, friend.” and it’s friend not Qrow. And then “You don’t know my friends. That’s how it always goes.” and I broke. I almost stopped there, a part of me wishes I had. Because it was already so broken, this thing that had even in the past few weeks, been a main pillar of hope for me. But maybe they’ll come together to fight Tyrian. And then Qrow goes after Tyrian and Clover keeps attacking Qrow. Well maybe he’s really trying to protect him, or has some plan. But then they continue to fight each other. And they don’t have even a moment of “who’s the bigger threat here? Us or the serial killer?” And then Qrow works with Tyrian?! Tyrian the serial killer? Tyrian the unstable maniac? Tyrian who tried to take Ruby? Tyrian who nearly killed Qrow? Tyrian who fucking worships Salem, who Qrow has spent most of his life fighting, has lost Summer to, and countless other traumas? (and I get the possible reasons, realizing that Clover won’t lay off of him so Tyrian is his best bet and then he can take care of Tyrian, but I still don’t like it. But this isn’t even about whether or not I think it’s good writing or characterization and it’s too long already to get into that.) And then Tyrian and Qrow fight so well together and I honestly felt sick. We haven’t seen Qrow work that well with anyone. Not RWBY, not Ironwood, not Clover.  And now we see it with fucking Tyrian? And maybe it’s a stretch but it honestly felt like another nail in the “Qrow attracts bad” coffin that is his insecurities. Qrow and Tyrian fight nearly perfectly together and it felt so damn wrong. Clover’s wrong here, Qrow’s wrong here, and it all feels so very very wrong based on the entire progression of their relationship throughout the volume. And then Qrow takes down Clover’s aura and I’m just empty.  There’s no hint of him trying to just beat Clover and not kill him. He has no reason to think that Tyrian won’t actually go for the kill during this fight. But they continue to have these snippets of “We don’t have to fight” or “I want to trust you” while showing no signs of holding back and still caring about the other’s well being. And then Qrow’s voice breaking during “Why couldn’t you just do the right thing…”. We’ve literally never seen Qrow this emotionally compromised, let alone during a fight. He’s crumbling because he finally had someone who made him think he could get better, that he could have close relationships, that he could be good for the people around him. And now he’s losing it. 

I was broken here, I was already spiraling. I knew Clover would get hit. I knew I would be struggling to deal with this episode because I had so fully expected a different course. But I thought there could still be hope. There had to still be hope. CRWBY wouldn’t give us all that development, wouldn’t show Qrow finally happy without leaving some hope for things turning around in the finale. He’d get hit by Tyrian’s stinger and Qrow would have to work to save him and they’d work things out. But then “I trust James with my life… and I wanted to trust you.” And I’m sobbing. Because I get it, Clover’s loyal, but when Qrow’s face hardens I know what he’s thinking. What he’s trying not to think but it’s so hard to fight: “Maybe it is me. Maybe I can’t be trusted. Maybe I’ve ruined things again”. Even though he knows what James is doing is wrong. But he trusted James, he trusted Clover. And he thought they trusted, cared for him. And now they’ve both turned against him and no matter how much he knows he’s doing the right thing, he can’t help but worry that he’s still the thing broken here, that he still messed up somewhere and ruined the relationships he needed so much. I was breaking more and more as I watched this source of my own hope lose all hope. 

And then Harbinger. The weapon Qrow built himself. That he modeled after his hero. The literal extension of his soul. And only moments before, Qrow destroyed the one thing that might have protected Clover. Clover’s emblem falls. Tyrian with “Like you killed Clover”. And yeah yeah Qrow being framed is heartbreaking. But it’s more that he’ll believe it. He did. He fucked everything up again. He tried so hard to do the right thing and still managed to hurt the person he cared about. And if Clover, the foil to his bad luck, could be destroyed by his semblance, how does anyone else stand a chance? And then blaming James. Swearing to make him pay (I honestly don’t remember if he says make him pay or kill him but I physically can’t rewatch that scene to see which it was). And yes he blames James. He hates James. It was the last straw breaking on someone he wanted to trust so much, wanted to have as a friend. But he still blames himself. He still knows he’s cursed and all the progress he’d made with Clover’s help is ripped away. 

And then “Good luck”. I’ve seen people saying it’s sweet, that it’s a moment of reconciliation, of Clover showing he still cares. And I don’t necessarily disagree. But I hate it. Because Qrow won’t take it that way. It’s just another reminder that good luck is out of his reach. And then the goddamn sky and the bi flag colors. And then we see Qrow cry for the first time. And then…. The scream…. I literally nearly vomited and that was the thing that sent me over the edge into full blown panic attack. Because I know that fucking scream. I know how it feels. I hear it ringing in my ears, I feel my throat getting raw. I could hear and see and feel myself in the same position. The nightmare I’d fought off for years; kneeling over Emma’s body and there being nothing I can do but scream and scream as the last of the hope I was clutching to faded with her… with Clover’s eyes.

It wasn’t that Clover died. It wasn’t that my ship won’t happen. It was how traumatizing it was. It was that Harbinger was now defiled. It was that Qrow set it up to happen. It was the sky. It was seeing the light go out of Clover’s eyes. It was Qrow’s scream. We’ve never seen a death like this on RWBY before. Yes we watched Pyrrha’s death. But there was no blood. We didn’t see her bleed out. We didn’t see the exact moment the light left her eyes. We saw Adam stabbed and some bleeding and then hitting the rocks, but we weren’t right there, seeing the exact moment of his death close up. If Clover had been stung by Tyrian and died I’d be upset still, and many of the issues I have would still be relevant. But using Harbinger like that, playing directly into Qrow’s own insecurities like that, after having him do things that felt extremely out of character in order to set things up for Tyrian to kill Clover like that and blame Qrow? It felt vile. 

It didn’t just feel like bad writing or different narrative choices. Hell, it didn’t even just feel OOC. It felt malicious. It felt like twisting established plot and characterisation completely in order to make it fit some tragic climax that was only chosen because it would have the biggest emotional impact, not because it was the best way to continue the plot. And they can’t say that they didn’t expect people to be so attached to Clover. Because if they didn’t expect that to be so emotional for viewers, then why do it like that in the first place? Why put in the climatic cinematic shot that mirrors when Yang lost her arm? Why have Qrow screaming over Clover’s body be the final shot?  If Clover was never meant to have significance to both Qrow and fans, why make his death so painful? They can’t say that they didn’t know fans would get so invested at the same time that they say that it was necessary to make it that traumatic. It’s not that you can’t kill off beloved characters, no matter how long they’ve been in the show. But if you do, it’s got to feel important, it’s got to feel necessary, and it’s got to make sense for those characters, or else it just feels like you’re playing with peoples’ emotions for no reason other than shock factor. 

I’ve seen a bunch of theories and discourse. Arguments over whether or not it’s queerbaiting or bury your gays. Over whether or not it’s bad writing or out of character. And I’m sure I’ll eventually have a stronger, more thought out opinion on that, but right now I can’t even get there. 

I’ve seen theories as to why CRWBY did this, why it’s important to the plot. And maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’ll be just as surprised in a good way next week as I was in a traumatic way this week. But it will take a lot, and I will still need time to recover and dig myself back out of my own intrusive thoughts that saw this episode and rejoiced because “See!? See, good things can’t happen! You’ll always lose whatever good you find. You’ll always ruin whatever good you find.” And none of the theories I’ve seen make that better. Maybe they’ll bring Clover back with the Staff of Creation or some other method: doesn’t matter, the damage is still done. Qrow still is betrayed and traumatized. And even if Clover came back and Ironwood realized he was wrong and stopped, even if everything went back to exactly what it was, Qrow still would have lost all the progress he made this season. Because even if everything was fixed, Qrow would still have to fight down the newly boosted fear that everything will fall apart again. And similarly even if I come back to RWBY and things are good, I will still have a hard time trusting the show, and will still have to climb my way out of a hole I had just gotten out of, except this time I won’t have the comfort of RWBY to help me. 

Or maybe Clover won’t come back and Qrow will relapse and try to kill Ironwood and lose his mind like the scarecrow he is. And what will that do but reinforce the fear and idea that “broken” people can’t escape their vices? That they’ll always come back to pain. Yes, it’s important to show that people can relapse and still get better, that relapse doesn’t mean all hope is lost. But there’s a difference between a relapse and new trauma that directly undercuts all the progress you’ve made. That’s not inspirational, it’s exhausting. Yes, you can come back again, but what about the next time and the next and the next? When will you just get to be secure in your happiness without worrying that at any moment you’ll thrown back to square one?

If it turns out there’s some great plot point this creates, some big revelation that fixes things, I still think it wasn’t done properly. Fine, have that, have that pain. But don’t end on that and leave people for a week. It’s not about it being a cliffhanger. It’s about people who are traumatized being abandoned. (Again, I’m not even getting into how, if this did happen, how episode 12 would still feel off from a characterization standpoint and whether or not it was poor writing. It’s an analysis I can’t currently do.)

And maybe my least favorite theory and the one that I might see as most likely; that Qrow won’t relapse. That he won’t completely lose it and instead Clover’s death and influence will be what keeps him going. Because yeah, that sounds great, that sounds heroic and strong and like the progress that came from knowing Clover did make a difference. But it feels wrong in this instance. Qrow’s had that. He’s had loss that hurt him but he kept going to finish something or honor them. He kept going after Summer died. He kept going for Ruby and Yang and Tai. If he didn’t have that, why would he have kept going when things were so bad? But Qrow doesn’t need that again. He doesn’t need another pain to spur him on. He needs support. He needs proof that his hard work, his struggle, has been worth it and that he still has allies. And not just the kids. Because as much as he respects them, as much as he believes in them and their abilities as hunters, he’s still protective of them, they still aren’t on an equal level. He still feels responsible for them. And that’s good for him, but he needs adults too. He needs people who aren’t his responsibility. He needs adults who can call him out on his shit. He needs adults he can lean on, who can take care of him. And now who does he have? Summer is gone. Raven is gone. Tai is back at home. Oz is gone. Lionheart betrayed him. James has now betrayed him. Winter has sided with James and might not be alive much longer? Robyn is there, but also hurt, and we haven’t seen anything to suggest that they are particularly close. And now Clover is dead. Clover, the only person we have ever seen Qrow let his guard down around like we did this season.

And it’s not that the “Staying alive for the person you’ve lost” is a bad plot line, and if I’d trust any show to do it I would’ve thought it’d be RWBY. But I can tell you from fucking experience, forcing yourself to keep going in honor of someone? Yeah, it might keep you alive. It might give you meaning and even lead you to do great things. But when it’s just you and your head? When you’re alone because you’ve lost everyone who kept you going and now you have to keep going without them, for them? It fucking sucks. It’s not poetic. It’s not this heroic strength that lifts you up. It’s a crushing weight of fear that you will fail again, that you’re the only one who can carry this burden, but this time you’ll let down the person most important to you.  And then not only will you have fucked up your life but you’d have made their suffering and loss meaningless. 

And I can see why CRWBY might take this route, what their message might be, and maybe for them and for some people it’s good, but personally it’s crushing. Because it can be a good thing to have the desire to honor someone spur you on, that’s literally why we still have RWBY. But if that’s the only thing you have? It’s toxic. You have to have other support and motivations of your own to keep you going without becoming hollow inside. And right now, Qrow doesn’t have that. Right now, if Qrow uses this to push him forward, it’s not recovery, it’s not avoiding a relapse; it’s falling into a new, much harder to spot, addiction.

Yes, shitty things happen regardless of whether or not you’ve recovered from previous shitty things. Yes, life isn’t fair and sometimes it feels like you just get hit down over and over. And yes, people die in war and it’s ruthless and unfair. But RWBY is still a show. It’s still a show about hope. It’s still fiction, an escape from the cruelty of reality. And to me there were multiple other options for the plot to create conflict and sacrifice without doing it in a way that seems so needlessly cruel.  

This is complicated and layered and I think there have been mistakes made on multiple sides, and in the end, we still don’t know what CRWBY has planned and how things will go from here and why they chose this. Because everything has a meaning in RWBY. At least I want to believe that. But right now it’s very hard to think that all the meaning that was what made this my favorite volume, was anything more than a trap to make the end that much more painful. And that hurts. I want to believe that’s not the case. But it’s very, very hard. And like I said before, even if they pull it off amazingly and everything makes sense after next week, damage has still been done. No matter what happens, there were ways things could have been handled either throughout the volume or in this episode that, while still having emotional significance and sacrifice, could have been less traumatizing to a large portion of the fandom who supports CRWBY specifically because they trust them not to do something like that to them. 

In the end I’m hurt because right now it feels like the entirety of this volume was just a build up for the shock value of tearing Qrow down again. And I’m just tired of it. I’m biased I know, and maybe for some people it’s an important narrative. But to me it just feels like angst just for the sake of being cruel to a character who can’t catch a break. Since Emma’s death I understandably haven’t been a big fan of really angsty fanfiction. At first seeing fics where a character lost their partner made me irrationally angry. Because why can’t good things happen in fictional worlds? Why do characters I care about have to suffer like I do just for the sake of being angsty? Why would someone do that to a character they love? Why inflict that absolute agony onto a character when you could just, let them be happy? Yes conflict and sacrifice are crucial to good storytelling, but you still have to leave a character some hope, or else what’s the point of just watching them linger in misery? This kind of pain isn’t just a plot point that gets addressed for one or two episodes and then is fully dealt with. It’s a part of who you are now and will be for the rest of your life. 

I’ve been sad over shows before. I’ve thought plot lines were bad and like I’d lost a character that deserved better. But I’ve never had something take me from a (relatively) stable mindset to a truly frightening spiral like I’ve been in this week. If this had happened when I was younger (granted if it had happened before Emma’s death it wouldn’t have had the same meaning), if it had been during that first year? It really might have been a breaking point for me. The final straw. The only reason I’m able to know that as truly devastating as this has been for me this week, I’m not in actual danger of getting to a critically low space, is because I’ve learned how to deal with those low places these past four years. I’m still in a dangerous headspace but I know how to handle it.  I know to reach out, to vent, to ask friends to keep an eye on me, to keep an eye out for critical signs that I’m getting worse and I need more professional help. But if I’d had this trauma as a teen and saw this, or if I’d seen it before I’d built up this method of keeping myself safe even when in the worst headspaces?  I don’t know that I would have been able to deal with it. 

There’s a loud part of my head that is berating me for letting this affect me so much. For letting a show and fictional characters be the catalyst for me having to actively ask my friends to keep sharp instruments away from me for the first time in years. I’ll have a moment of clarity of “It’s not that bad, you’ll get past it” before being swallowed back up by the hopelessness. I have moments of “How could you let a fictional character’s death put you in this place, but not Emma? How is he more important?” 

But it’s not about RWBY or Clover or Qrow. It’s about my brain, and how I as a neurodivergent person deal with things. It’s about this how thing that I use to filter parts of my life through so that I can handle them in more reasonable chunks, is now a trigger itself. I currently don’t have any other hyperfixations, which means every time I have a moment of silence, or start to get feeling down again, my brain goes to RWBY, because usually that’s how I pull myself out. But that just reminds me of the loss RWBY currently represents. Not just the trauma this has brought up, but the fact that I’ve lost this source of comfort. And then I’m left scrambling for anything as I spiral further and further. I’m at the point where unless I am having constant outside stimulus to keep my brain occupied I go right back into a nosedive. And there’s nothing I can do on my own to stop it. So I just have to ride it out, fight back dozens of overwhelming intrusive thoughts, and try to think that I won’t always be this miserable, even though the current thing that was helping me believe that has just shown me the opposite is true. 

And no, creators can’t be held responsible for the mental states of fans of their work. But when things are done that directly hurt so many people, that even if not intended to, feel so calculated and malicious, they have to acknowledge the part they played in that trauma. 

The point of whether there was queer baiting/byg, and mlm representation and how its handled, is very important, but it is also something I just can’t even begin to look at right now from an analytical viewpoint. I can’t begin to come at this from an activist place right now. And I know there are plenty of other people who can speak on it better than I could currently.  My queer identity is largely wrapped up in my grief and how it affects me, but that also means that when I’m spiraling, it is very hard to focus and make good points about things that are not issues I’ve directly experienced. The only reason I can write this at all is because these are really just emotions I’ve dealt with for years that were dragged back up.

RWBY has always been about finding hope when it feels impossible. But this feels like it’s becoming “keep finding new hope but know you’ll lose it too and have to start over”.

RWBY has been what gave me hope that even when bad thing after bad thing happened, there was a reason to keep going, that eventually something good would come your way and you don’t have to live in fear of losing it. That you can still be broken and be worthy of good things. But this episode ripped that all away and told me that sometimes a person is never meant to be happy no matter how hard they try. 

A big reason I have clung to RWBY so much, and admired CRWBY so much, and in turn been so forgiving of plotlines or details that I maybe wasn’t the biggest fan of, was because I see myself in them. They lost Monty so suddenly and tragically and I understand that as much as anyone who isn’t them can. I understand the drive of keeping the show going. When I’m working on my own writing and art about my story and my loss, they are a huge inspiration to me to keep going even when it feels impossible. I can barely listen to Indomitable because, much like Jaune losing Pyrrha, it is uncanny how close to home it hits. They have been through more than we as fans can or should ever expect to know. Because even as someone very open about their grief, who wants to get rid of the stigma of expressing grief, I know that everyone deserves to keep as much of their grief and pain private as they need. And I can't even begin to imagine how hard it is to work on a show that is literally a feat of love and honor to a person you’ve lost, and then have people attack it and you, and make huge accusations, even try to use your loved one’s memory against you. It’s my biggest fear in creating something so incredibly personal but so important. 

And I know that everyone handles grief differently, and no matter how many people you have to support you it can be an extremely isolating thing. I know that no one has the right to tell someone else they are grieving wrong, and I would never dare do that to them. Because I know that the ways I grieve and the things that piss me off about grief and people’s reactions to it, will not line up with everyone else’s, and that’s okay. So the exact things that hurt me so much may be the things that CRWBY find cathartic. 

But I still think it’s important to talk about something that hurts you. To help people understand a facet of grief that might not be what they’ve experienced. Because even people who want to help, who want to provide representation to those hurting, can never please everyone, and even can even hurt people. I want to trust CRWBY. I want to believe they care about the queer community (even if they don’t always succeed in providing good representation), I want to believe they wouldn’t purposefully try to hurt queer fans with queerbaiting or byg. I want to believe they don’t actually hate mlm. 

Narrative is complicated and sometimes things are done that will unknowingly cause harm, or that were topics that the writers didn’t understand enough to properly execute. Things that may seem so obvious to the people who were hurt could truly be things that hadn’t occurred to the writers. And that’s not to excuse those writers from acknowledging their mistake, but to give them a chance to learn and improve. I think a great example is The Adventure Zone (slight spoilers ahead), and how Griffin McElroy handled the fans’ reaction after Sloane and Hurley died in Petals to the Metal. He hadn’t wanted to hurt anyone but he made a decision that was very upsetting for many people and that wasn’t okay. But he listened and apologized and from there on not only tried to provide better representation, but asked about how he could do so, consulted the people he was trying to represent in order to do everything he could to not cause that kind of pain again. Creators are human and deserve second chances, as long as they show they are actively trying to improve.

Things will be learning experiences, but the people who are hurt in those learning experiences, and who are often the ones hurt in such things over and over, are still allowed to be hurt and upset. Intent is not effect. And for creators who want to be inclusive and supportive, it is their responsibility to accept criticism and work to avoid making the same mistakes. Like I said at the start of this, criticism is not harassment and harassment helps no one. Be as angry as you are, be as open as you need, but cruelty to people who are honestly trying to do good but will still make human mistakes just creates more pain and conflict. You don’t have to like it or forgive it but you can’t invalidate the people who are hurt, who do. 

I love RWBY. I want to love CRWBY. I want to keep watching. I want to keep supporting and trusting them. And maybe I’m letting a show have too much influence over me. Maybe it’s unhealthy to project so much on a character. Maybe things will prove to be necessary to tell the story they want to tell. But speaking as a neurodivergent, traumatized, grieving, queer person, I still feel betrayed and hurt by something that I trusted enough to be vulnerable about and I don’t want to sugarcoat or hide that. 

I can’t say I hate CRWBY or I’ve lost all hope in or respect for them, because I’ve related to them so much and know how complicated things like this can be. And because I don’t think I personally can write someone off while still in such an emotionally raw space. I’ll have to take some time to see if I’m able to watch the finale this weekend, but I will most likely watch it, if not just a bit later than I usually would. And RWBY has thrown big surprises at us before, and I can’t know what will happen in the finale and how it will feed into or try to heal some of the pain we’re feeling. But regardless of what the narrative intent is in Clover’s death, it needs to be acknowledged that episode 12 alone, ending on such an intense scene that wouldn’t be resolved for at least a week, hurt people. And CRWBY needs to acknowledge and take responsibility for it. I can’t say that I’m the most up to date on social media and what each person involved with volume 7 has said in the past few months. But I know that numerous official twitter accounts posted things that led people to put more credibility in Fairgame, myself included. And that even after seeing how big the ship had gotten, and knowing what the outcome was, some of CRWBY continued to seemingly feed into the excitement, even teasing about how hard episode 12 would hit us. 

That’s honestly one of the reasons I think this feels not just like bad writing or something, but betrayal. Of course RT can’t control everything everyone involved with RWBY posts, but for a company that has tried to seem so supportive of lgbt and mentally ill fans, they should have, at the very least, not have fed the flame and given people hope and supposed credibility that they knew would crumble after this episode. It feels like, even if they hadn’t intended this entire plot point to come across the way it has, they saw us going down this path and egged us on for added shock factor. 

And even if somehow the finale fixes everything, it doesn’t undo that hurt. It makes me think of the trailers for Insatiable when it first came out. How toxic and fat shaming they seemed and how people reacted poorly to it, but then all the people involved responded with how positive the show was, and that people shouldn’t judge it before they saw it. Or those “joke” videos or posts of kids coming out and the parents getting angry but then it’s about some stupid other thing. It’s meant to trigger a very sensitive issue, that people who have gone through traumas related to those issues are all too familiar with seeing over and over. So why would they have faith that this wasn’t just another one of those times when everything they see points to the opposite? Why trigger people who have already been hurt, for the sake of shock factor? It’s poor and callous writing. 

And that’s what this feels like. It feels like we were exploited in order to make this hurt more. And maybe that was a very unfortunate accident. But CRWBY still needs to acknowledge that they made mistakes, and do what they can to prove to the fans that they still deserve our trust. And that’s not going to be an easy one and done thing. For some it may never be enough, and that is completely valid. 

Of course everyone has different histories and issues that can lead them to be drawn to a certain show or character. And creators can’t ever know for sure that they won’t bring up painful things for any of their fans, and often trying to do so can make the content and message suffer. But even though everyone might not have a story that is as “obviously” traumatic as mine, might not have things they so directly relate to in Qrow and in Clover’s death,  they’re all still valid in the pain they’re feeling. One of my least favorite things about living with grief is people thinking that their traumas and struggles aren’t as big or important as my own. 

This week I’ve told people how hard a time I’m having, and why. And the people who know my backstory understood. The people who didn’t know though, brushed it off as crazy fangirl, tumblr discourse drivel. Even to my face after I told them how much I was hurting, they would groan about people getting so obsessed with fictional characters. You shouldn’t have to know why something negatively affects someone the way it does in order to respect the fact that it does. And I’m not more valid in my pain than people with “smaller” reasons. The fact is that a lot of people are hurting. A lot of queer and mentally ill people are reliving trauma. And like me, many of these people trusted CRWBY to be supportive, to be a comfort in a world where it’s hard to find sometimes. And that makes it hurt all the more.

I wasn’t in the fandom when Monty died, so I don’t know a lot about how CRWBY handled it, what they said publicly, what inevitable fandom discourse there was about how to navigate things. The only reason I bring him up at all, (because I’ve seen people mention him in discourse posts before and it’s usually hurtful and out of line and I truly hate it) is because he, and how CRWBY continues to honor him by keeping his creation going, is a huge part of why I feel so attached to it. My creative focus is on talking about Emma, about honoring her, telling her story, about sharing my grief with people. And while it’s extremely important to me, it’s also terrifying to think about people one day saying I let her down, or that because I made certain decisions I ruined the work or anything like that. And whether or not I am currently happy with every member of CRWBY doesn’t affect the fact that I will always keep in mind that RWBY is something directly tied to someone they’ve lost and it can be extremely difficult to have that kind of work criticized and not get defensive or angry (that’s not to say we can’t criticize things that are made in honor of someone, but that we need to remember there are still people dealing with grief on the other end of what we say). They’ll react poorly to certain things, they’ll say the wrong things, they’ll but heads with opinionated fans. And that’s not to excuse them for that, or to say we shouldn’t hold them accountable and communicate our problems with them and expect them to learn from past mistakes. But they aren’t faceless monsters in some big corporation who just make this for the money. They have real emotional investment in their work and I honestly believe they are well intentioned and want to support lgbt and mentally ill fans. But good intentions don’t ensure there won’t be negative impact, and if they truly want to keep, or regain fans’ trust and support they need to show they understand that. 

It may be naive and there may be things I don’t know that might have changed my view but until now, even with some writing choices I didn’t love, I've really liked CRWBY and trusted them. I personally can’t say I hate them and write them off right now. I understand if you can, if this was the last straw or just proving your view, and that’s all valid. But I want to, as much as possible, believe that they’re well intentioned. RWBY is far from perfect. CRWBY is far from perfect. But that’s ok. As long as there’s effort to improve and acknowledge mistakes and try to make amends

It’s possible that things I’ve said here may anger some people, and unfortunately, as much as I tried to avoid it, may hurt CRWBY. Because as hurt and angry with them as I might be right now, I don’t want to hate them or hurt them.  I’m human as well, and I’m very passionate about this and have a very personal attachment to it. So I acknowledge that it is totally possible that I have said something here that I could have handled better. If so, please, let me know. Constructively. If you need to, privately. Don’t attack me for it. I know when a conversation is toxic to me and I will not put myself in that position and will block people. But I want to be open to criticism, just as I want CRWBY to be. I want to know what I did wrong and how I can work to do better in the future. There are also certain things that I firmly believe that I know not everyone will like. And that’s okay. I have my own ways of dealing with grief and pain that will inevitably conflict with others. In those cases, while I won’t apologize for being honest about how I feel, I will understand and listen to how I may have hurt you. Different opinions and ways of coping will always be a part of grief conversations and it is less about making others agree with you and more about giving people a place to express their pain. 

This is ridiculously, stupidly, long and honestly I’m not sure there’s a clear point and if you read through it all the way, you’re a saint. But I just needed to get this out, and I hope that maybe, somehow, through the ranting, it might help someone feel less alone in their pain, or feel validated. I started writing this on Sunday and wanted to post it before the finale. It’s now Friday and who knows if there’s really any point to posting it now, but still. 

I don’t know what will happen tomorrow. I don’t know how I will handle it. I’ve seen discourse that made me anxious all over again all week. I’ve seen jokes or edits or trolls that made me sick. But there are people out here for you. There are people to talk to who will just listen. You aren’t alone. And while I can’t promise you that everything will be okay, I can promise you that there will be people here to help you get through it. There are ways to get through it. They’re not always fun or ideal, but they’re there. And eventually you’ll be able to feel okay again. The pain might not be gone for good, but you’ll have good moments again. You’ll learn how to create good moments. I still want to believe that “broken” people can be happy again, even though the world may try to show me otherwise over and over. It’s not easy, and sometimes I honestly just don’t see how it can possibly be true. But I keep trying to get back to those good places and appreciate them, for as long as I can. 

[caddy-whump-us]

Greetings! May I ask "Mary Shelley" and "Oscar Wilde" from the classic author ask .The new part of Etienne's story was a delight to read. Made my day.

I’m so glad you enjoyed it! There’s more coming in that part of the story (obviously) and it’s currently a WIP! 

Okay, Q&A time!

Mary Shelley: Were you a goth, prep, nerd, or jock in school?

I...was a nothing.

No, seriously. I wasn't really anything in high school. I wanted to be something but that wasn't going to happen.

Like, I had a friend who would wear these bell-sleeved vaguely-Medieval shirts and I was so envious because I wanted to look sort of fantastical. And I had a classmate who would wear this floor-length black velvet cloak every day she could and that was amazing. And I had a friend who was into crystals and wore lots of those. I had friends who dressed like anime characters (and this was way back before anime was cool). I had friend who were full-on latter day hippies (little glass mushrooms in little glass charms on hemp cord). And there was the guy who always wore this plaid cabbie hat and black trench coat--until Columbine happened and he was told he couldn't wear the trench coat anymore, so he wore a dark navy blue bathrobe every day instead. There were the Tolkien-reading Ren Faire geeks, the first-wave otaku, the skaters, the punks, the 90s mall goths, the true nerds, the Abercrombie preps, the jocks of various and sundry sportsball genres...

But I wasn't really...anything? I had some interests, I had some things I liked, and I wanted to be "something," but it felt like I wasn't allowed: either my parents would disapprove (and that was absolutely unbearable) or the other kids at school would laugh at me (more than they already did; I tried wearing a skirt to school without telling my parents one day and I remember coming out of the bathroom stall after changing into it to find two girls staring at me and laughing; I changed back). As much as I wanted to change to fit in, I wasn't really allowed to either change or fit in.

So I just slumped around the school in my glasses and jeans (not the current style of jeans either) and Birkenstocks and flannel shirts. If anything, I was sort of accidentally grunge, but that wasn't how I thought of myself or what I wanted to be. Besides, all the t-shirts I wore under the flannel shirts were sort of bland shades of blue and not at all grunge.

(Ironically, I got called down to the counselor's office after Columbine too--because I was a depressed, angry loner with a history of being bullied and because I looked almost exactly like Brenda Spencer.)

I still have to deal with this, honestly. As much as I want to do something else or be something else, I feel like there's some kind of rule out there that says I can't and when I try I'll be punished for my presumption somehow (and I never know how). And that's really been my experience: when I try to break out of my box, I get shoved back in even harder. I still get ideas about it now and then and sometimes really think hard about it and then, nope, nope, nope, remember what happened the last time you got ideas above your station? Stop that. Stop that right now. And I just slide back into whatever I am.

Sorry I don't have a better answer for you, Anon. I wish I did.

Oscar Wilde: What book have you read more than once?

Ulysses. Yup. I should reread it this year, come to think of it. Anyway, that's one of my favorite tricks at parties, to say that I've read it and read it more than once. (I think this is why I'm not invited to many parties.)

Gravity's Rainbow is another one, but I think I've read The Crying of Lot 49 more (it's shorter by a long shot; I want to make a Tristero courier cosplay, sigh).

Blood Meridian, but I think that's because the first time I read it, I had such a rush of blood to the head at the fucking language that I could only pick up the language and not the plot. The first time I read it, it made me want to bite things. That’s how good it is. So I've read that a few times.

Fahrenheit 451, which is the book that got me into college when I wrote an application essay about it. I think I read it first when I was...14? Maybe? So I read it at least once a year through high school.

There are probably others, but these are the ones I think of when I get asked about this.

[theprettysetterclub]

heyyy can I request a matchup?? :)) im 5'1 with shoulder length black hair and really into vintage fashion paired with basics!!! im a panromantic demisexual, aquarius & intp, who is more of an ambivert tbh, how extroverted/introverted I am depends on my mood/company! usually am pretty happy-go-lucky, excitable and I make friends easily!! im chill most of the times and i prefer to avoid confrontation but i can and will call ppl out on their bs (if needed) - hq!! ask anon (from imagines blog)

  also i LOVE cold/dad jokes and bad pickup lines hahah i laugh easily but bonus points if the person is super awkward or deadpan about it! my interests include fashion, movies, reading, and comics - i usually spend time searching for cute vintage clothes, discussing movies/books/anime or just spending time doing activities (usually cooking/baking!) with my friends and family!! - hq!! ask anon

im really affectionate so its important for me to spend time with my loved ones to receive and in turn, give affection to them - usually in the from physical touch or quality time spent together!! im so glad that your matchups are open cos i love your haikyuu imagines and the amount of thought yall put into the matchups is just mindblowing tbh!!! hehe thank you in advance and im looking forward to the results 🥰🧡 - hq!! ask anon PS. so sorry it turned out so long idek how it happened OTL

HQ ASK ANON!! you’re a little ball of sunshine alkjfd how are you so cute,,, no choice i have adopted you now dskljfd also xNTP club represent! 

also i wrote this in an inspired flurry while procrastinating my history essay due next week so i hope it’s legible kdfjl

i had a hard time narrowing it down but!! i match you with… 

bokuto koutarou!

✧ that is him trying to impress you honestly i love this dumbass so much and every time he’s on screen you just know you’re in for a good time,,, and i think he’d absolutely adore you! also he loves how much shorter than him you are, he enjoys hugging you from behind because of it sdlkj

✧ i think you match his energy quite well, while still balancing him out! he needs someone who can keep up with him, while also bringing him back down to earth. he definitely brings out your extroverted side, but the fact you can be a bit more lowkey sometimes is a good thing for him; he needs to take a break from being at 100% all the damn time sdlkj 

✧ cutest! happiest! brightest couple! honestly, you two would be so adorable,,, just sunshine incarnate. you can’t help but feel happy in each other’s company, and it’s kind of infectious? you guys can be quite loud, but people enjoy being around you two because you bring love and light wherever you go,,, bless 

✧ but you can call him out on his bs when you need to, because oh boy, does he need it sometimes,,, you and akaashi (who adores you, btw) tag team it. you’re sort of like a ‘bokuto’s personal development team’ because you spend a lot of time trying to help him with his slumps. needless to say the results are very hit-or-miss 

✧ good thing you laugh easily because he’s just,,, so funny without even trying. and when he makes you laugh, his heart feels so full and ready to burst and he’s so proud of himself for achieving something so important and-- he’s just very wholesome like that kjlkj 

✧ listen. make the boy some lunch for practice and he’ll cry. absolutely shows off the bento box you made with him last night to all the black jackals. h e l p t h e m -- he won’t shut up about you ever and they’re s u f f e r i n g. they absolutely know far too much about you to the point that it’s kind of embarrassing. but, they beg you to come to their games because bokuto works just that little bit harder when you’re in the stands because he just wants to impress you so bad--  

✧ i think he’s also super physically affectionate, so your love languages line up! he’s honestly kind of clingy, so good luck with walking around at all when you’re alone because you’ll have all 6′3″ of him wrapped around your waist at all times,, also, he genuinely tries to spend as much of his free time with you as possible! once he finds out how much that means to you, he literally writes it down in his phone so he’ll never forget it sdlkdjf he does that with everything important you mention to him! he’s that determined to be a Good Boyfriend, bless his heart,,, 

✧ his favourite thing to do is spend time with you, tbh,,, whether it’s being stupid while watching a movie and discussing it (he’s trying, even if things fly over his head sometimes), being your hype guy whenever you’re trying out a new outfit combination, trying his best to cook with you (you know that bento box i mentioned? the plan was for you two to make it together, but he managed to fuck up the sauce by making it way to sweet. so, the duty was handed over to you while he sulked with his head buried in your shoulder)

✧ you two are,,, so cute,,, my heart can’t handle it,,, you two would just be so loving and giving and you’d have the most wonderful time together? i love this couple so much give him a gentle kiss on the forehead for me 

other matches!

✧ sugawara koushi: goblin angel boy,,, i love him,,, he’s a little smarter than bokuto, so i think you’d have a lot of fun discussing media together! he’s very perceptive and analytical, so he always has something interesting to say? otherwise, i think he’d also love your bright personality? he’s not called mr. refreshing for nothing, and i think you’d get along so well. he’s more lowkey than bokuto, so you’d have a lot more quiet time together; he’s good at managing his time so he’s always finding space in his day to cuddle with you (he’s also very affectionate!). i think he’d also make you laugh a lot; he’s not quite awkward or deadpan, but he can be a little dry? expect him to make a lot of witty little comments just to hear you laugh,,, UGH you’d just be so cute please shower him with love,,, also he loves that you’re so much shorter than him lmao idk why there’s so many question marks in this paragraph BUT–

✧ yachi hitoka: MY GIRL,,, first of all, you’re so tiny? like? that’s so cute oh my goodness? ANYWAY, i think she’d really enjoy being around someone like you? you’re easy to be friends with, as well as excitable and fun to be around. but, it’s not quite like with hinata (where being in his presence feels like staring directly into the sun, bless him). she really enjoys your happy-go-lucky personality, and it’s a balance to her anxious rambling. i think she’d also appreciate the fact that you’re able to call her out every now and then, because it might help break her out of an anxious spiral or two. she’s so easy to make blush tbh – all you gotta do is hold her hand and she’s bright red. also baking together,,, cuddling up on the couch together while you watch a movie (yes, her face is still red),,, my heart cannot physically handle the amount of sheer wholesomeness this couple exudes and i’ve got to stop rambling before i lose all sense of coherency slkj

[tnystrk-exe]

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Tony Stark X Reader

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“You can’t just do those kinds of things, Tony!” Pepper seethed. Embarrassed and angry beyond compare.

She moved to walk away but Tony caught her by the elbow with a loose grip. “Pep, I’m sorry. We seriously crossed a line, I understand.” He could still taste your drink on his lips as he lied, “The kiss didn’t mean anything.”

His heart was still pumping full speed. Like the last time, you left him wanting so much more than you gave him. All he needed to do was to have you close for a while. To his disappointment that wasn’t in the cards. It all just felt more than one sided at times. You never picked up on his signals and if you did you seemed to just think it was a joke. So he sealed his fate away. “I’ll do anything to make it up to you.”

“Boundaries.”

“...Tell me what you want and I’ll make it happen.”

-

Things between you and Tony were more friendly since Christmas. It was weird. After years of your friendship being a certain way, it had been turned on it’s head. You missed him even when he was right in front of you. Still, as much as you wanted to, you couldn’t bring yourself to regret the kiss. His favorite scotch and the smell of his cologne were enough to make you dizzy at times.

Both of you were just a mess around each other to say the least.

He still went though his new processes. There weren’t anymore of your famous sleepovers, he’d always knock out on the couch or the room that was mostly reserved for Rhodey. The both of you stayed at arms length. He didn’t quite realize how much he’d miss how the smell of your perfume would stick to him after being with you or wiping off your annoyingly resilient lipstick from his cheek after visits. You’d miss your stolen moments when he’d come from no where and keep you close to him, refusing even the idea of letting you budge a millimeter or his gentle singing when a nightmare would keep you up at night.

Though you were grateful nothing really changed for Ro. Everything that changed stayed strictly to the two of you.

-

“But daddy!” You heard the six year old complain, “You forgot my training wheels!”

“Sometimes you have to hit the ground running, Rugrat. That’s just the way things go.”  He tightened the last bolt on the bike and set it upright.

“No!” She stomped, crossing her arms over her chest. “Can’t make me!”

The two of you shared a look, as nicely behaved as she had been, recently it just took a turn with tantrums. She hadn’t been immune to them before, not by a long shot, but they happened a lot more frequently.

“Sweetheart, why don’t you just get on your bike and try?”

She chucked her helmet on to the ground and dropped to the floor with it, deciding a show would probably get her what she wanted. “Mommy and daddy don’t love me!”

“Hey, get up. You’re too big to be acting like that,” you scolded, over chants of ‘don’t love me.’

Tony grabbed Ro and set her back on her feet. “Listen to your mom. This isn’t something to freak out about anyway.”

She swatted her hand at Tony’s arm. “Leave me alone! I want my training wheels!”

“No. Now you don’t get to learn at all. Go to your room, no toys.”

“No sweets and you’re going to bed early,” Tony added in his punishments.

“I hate you!” She ran into the house slamming the door, another slam following soon after.

Tony dropped onto the picnic blanket beside you, “Whats gotten into her? I thought year two was the hard one.”

You shrugged, “Equally as frustrated, maybe it’s just a phase. Could just be upset you’re going away for a while.”

“Oh?” He raised a brow, popping a couple of blueberries into his mouth, “It’s my fault now?”

“I’m just trying to figure out what changed Tones,” you raised your hands in surrender.

“There’s also you taking more shifts than usual.”

“You’re one to talk about working...Okay, so we both need to pay her more attention,” you settled.

“Family vacation after I come back from New York? Us, Rhodey, and Pepper?”

“When Ro has one of her week breaks. I don’t want her missing too much school.”

“School,” He scoffed, “Just grab that weeks work and we’ll teach it to her.”

“No. You can teach her how to ride her bike.”

“You told her not today.”

You shrugged, “You’re going to be gone for a while. She just needed a punishment for hitting you and that’s the first thing I thought of.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. Just give her a minute and let her calm down. But she shouldn’t get to have her toys or sweets after all and she should still go to bed early.”

“Whatever you say.”

You sighed, covering your face with your hands as you moved to lay down. His constant snark was wearing you down. “Tony, can you change it up? Even in the slightest? I’m trying to be civil here and you’re coming at me for no reason it seems like. At least tell me what I did wrong.”

“You didn’t do anything.”

Another clipped answer. You got up and went into the house. He was being annoying and you just needed time away. Checking up on Ro, she seemed to have fallen asleep after crying. Taking off her knee and elbow pads, you covered her up with a blanket. Going to the kitchen, you started to cook, needing something to do that was mindless and simple.

“ I thought we were having PB&Js for dinner?” He said, coming in after 30 or so minutes.

“If you still want to, be my guest. There’s chicken Alfredo if you want some,” You answered, absentmindedly twirling your fork in the noodles.

“Thanks.” He poured out some of his scotch, grabbing another cup, “You want some too?”

You scrunched your nose, “Don’t have the taste for that anymore.”

He made a confused face at you. “Since when? We used to always sneak this from Howard and you drink it every time you steal my drinks.”

“Want me to have a drink with you? Fine.” You went over and grabbed the rum. Pouring out your shot you downed it quickly. “There, we had a drink together.”

“I get it, I should just fucking go. Shouldn’t I?”

“You know where the door is, don’t you?”

“Well, when you’re showing it to me so damn graciously.”

“No. Don’t you even do that. You’re not allowed to make me feel like I’m the dick in this situation. I don’t know what the hell is up with you, but you’re not allowed to drag me through the dirt just cause.”

He looked like he didn’t know how to respond. “Look, I’m so-“

“I don’t wanna hear it Tony. You’re just going to say something and I’m going to forgive you. Let me be angry for a moment because I’m allowed to be. Why don’t you just go with Pepper to New York already and leave me alone for a while.”

He opened his mouth and closed it again.  Taking his time to figure out something to say that wouldn’t make you feel any better or angrier. “Okay. I’m going to work on the power source. It shouldn’t take that long maybe a few days plus some time for press. I...” Tony cleared his throat, “I’ll see you, YN.”

You nodded and turned your back on him. He’d see the angry tears threatening to fall or the crack in your voice when you spoke. The close of your front door broke you down easily. You missed your best friend. Nowadays he was just so snappy, you handled it as long as you could but there was so much a person can take.

“Mommy?” Ro said sleepily, rubbing at her eyes, “Why crying?”

You wiped your tears, composing yourself quickly. “Maybe a little bit.”

She frowned but walked over to hug your leg. “Is because I was bad? I’m sorry mommy.”

Picking her up, you kissed the top of her head. “Thank you for apologizing, sleepyhead. You didn’t make me cry.”

“Promise?” She asked, holding up her hooked pinkie finger.

“Promise.” You hooked your pinkie on hers. She pulled away and stood on top of the counter. After looking through the cabinets she came out with a couple of cookies. “You have a punishment baby. No sweets.”

Ro pouted, “I know. But you give me cookies to make me feel better.”

You laughed softly, “You’re sweet. Give me that cookie. You can eat both of those.”

She munched on her cookies happily. “Daddy’s in the garage? Working?”

“Sorry sweetheart,” you shook your head, “Something important came up and he had to leave the early.”

“Am I important?” She tried out the word.

“Of course you are.”

“Then daddy has to be home?”

“Of course he wants to,” you assured her, “You mean the world to your dad and I, but we still need to work. Maybe when daddy comes back we’ll spend sometime with him.”

“A lot.”

-

He tried to focus on work. Really these last bits to make the new building light up like a Christmas tree didn’t need as much mental power. He had been taking out his anger on you, not on purpose, it just happened that way. It didn’t sit well with him that everything between the two of you had seemed to change. There were years of set behavior he was having to change about himself. He wasn’t happy with the situation at all.

At least he could get some things out of his system before. Having you as close as he used to made him feel content enough to do what he needed. Now he realized it was completely unfair to Pepper. She made him feel as close to happy as he thought he could get. He hadn’t realized how dependent he had also been on you to feel that way.

He needed to make up his mind. Figure out his plan. This wasn’t healthy to keep pulling Pepper along and ignore the flashing red lights. Things wouldn’t change anytime soon, but at least he was thinking about it at all.

“You’re all good on this end. The rest is up to you.”

-

Pepper and Coluson has left hours ago, leaving him with a bunch of homework to finish. J.A.R.V.I.S. switched through reports about the Avengers while Tony read essays and theories about the field.

“Pause.” He day back in his chair, looking at everything on the screen. Getting up, he went to make himself a coffee. “J, be a dear and call YN won’t you. I have things I should say. ‘Sorry’ being one of them.”

“That’s ill advised, sir.”

“I know she said to leave her alone, but come on, I need a break.”

“Dr. LN is going to attempt to break a surgical record at the hospital. She needs to be well rested for her day.”

Tony stirred some sugar into his coffee before taking a drink. “What record is she beating?”

“Longest surgery. The current record is held by Dr. Conner. She needs to go over 23 hours 57 minutes.”

“Hmm,” he nodded considering the time, “She’ll knock that out of the park, easy. She handles Ro and I all the time. Where’s Ro going to be?”

“Ro asked Colonel Rhodes to pick her up after school to treat her for ice cream and a movie.”

Tony laughed, “R&R day? Sounds good. I guess no break then, let’s get back to work.”

-

“Mama don’t wanna go to school,” Ro whined, pulling the covers over herself. “Stay home today.”

“You know we can’t. I have a surgery today and you have a lot of things to learn too. Besides you promised Rhodey you’d go out with him after school. Can’t do that if you stay home.”

She peaked out of her blankets, “I can’t?”

“Uh huh. You know uncle Rhodey doesn’t like it when you stay home, unless you’re sick.”

“Daddy would let me stay home.”

“Then you can stay home when he’s around, for now let’s get you dressed. I need to be at the hospital as soon as I drop you off at school.”

“Can I wear my Captain America shirt and pancakes?”

“You got it.”

Getting Ro ready seemed like a mission and a half. She was fussy and still tired. “You and daddy don’t like me,” she decided as you brushed her hair.

“We love you,” you corrected, “What had dad and I told you about nonsense talk?”

“Uh huh! Not nonsense! You are always working. Aaron says that’s why you’re always at work, because you don’t like me,” she said, defiantly crossing her arms over her chest.

You finished up with her hair and kneeled down to her level. “That Aaron kid is a jerk. He’s the type of kid that likes making you feel bad about yourself. You’re right though, your dad and I could stand to cut back on work a bit. I’m sorry if you really do feel that way, but you do know how much you mean to us, right?”

She nodded, not looking completely convinced, “Can I talk with daddy?”

“Sure. We can try to call him. Go grab your backpack and lunchbox. You can call him on the way to school.”

Once you were in the car you dialed Tony and handed the phone off to Ro while it rang. She waited impatiently a couple of minutes before chucking the phone onto the car floor. “Say leave messages.”

“I’ll ask Rhodey to try again when he picks you up okay? He’s probably jus-“

“Busy, busy, busy.”

-

Between the Shakespear’s wet dream brothers, S.H.E.I.L.D., and the Capsicle’s constant jabs. Tony hadn’t had much time to check his phone. Still, when he had picked it up for a second he got to hear the message Ro left when she forgot to hang up. Adding to an already bad day. But he could make that up easily. Less time with the suits more time with the kid starting as soon as he got away from this other mess.

He just had to figure out what Fury was hiding and what Loki wanted. Couldn’t be that hard to solve with Loki locked up.

-

Okay, so now that he was carrying a nuke on his back, heading for a giant hole in the sky. He wasn’t sure he’d be around long enough to make it up to Ro. Good thing to know the last thing he did to her was disappoint.

“Sir, shall I try Miss Potts?”

Tony’s eyes flicked over to see the picture of Pepper on the side of the screen. “Call YN.”

-

Your phone vibrated in your assistant’s pocket.  Checking to see if the name was one of the ones you allowed to interrupt, he put the ear piece in for you and answered the call.

“Hello? Is everything okay?” You asked, expecting Rhodey’s voice.

“Always better when you’re around,” Tony greeted. “How’s the record going? Tired yet?

“Nah, I took some notes from you,” you joked, he didn’t sound urgent. A snip and clip there. “You’re going to have your hands full when you come home.”

“Can you tell her I’m sorry for disappointing her and that I love her.”

That was weird. “Tell her yourself. Rhodey’s calling you after she gets out of school.”

“I love you, too, YN. It’s been too long since I said that and you should know.”

“I love you,” you replied back instinctively, “Are you okay, Tony?”

Static.

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[ourflagmeansgayrights]

heyyyy thanks for answering! i really enjoyed reading your take on these guys. sorry it's taken me several days to get to this! last time i got into a discussion like this it took me hours to write my response and i had Big Test coming up and also an essay that i didn't write yet so i haven't been able to give this post my attention until now!! (i literally didn't even read your response, i just kept it in my drafts for days bc i knew i'd immediately start typing up my response, and i needed to STUDY)

anyway, in short: i see where you're coming from, but i still don't agree. you are, of course, 100% entitled to ur opinions and ur interpretations of ed and izzy's relationship, but the way you read some scenes is very different from how i do, which directly contradicts your claim that "izzy likes ed, not blackbeard" is confirmed by the text.

and, because i also like to present arguments at length, i am going to elaborate!!

first thing's first: im taking a lot of this from the posts u linked, not from this post itself, but i feel like ur interpretation of how blackbeard's crew was run before the show starts takes a lot of things that were said in the dialogue at face value. i'm not gonna say you're wrong because i definitely think your interpretation is plausible! it's not how i personally imagine things on Queen Anne's Revenge, but as of right now all we have are characters' behaviors and a few lines of dialogue to try and picture how the past several years (decades?) have gone. we could look to real-life pirate history for ideas, but considering the way this show treats historical accuracy, i'm not inclined to use that as a blueprint. so it's kinda hard to say either way.

but as an example of where we disagree on pre-canon stuff, there's your take on the "I’ve massaged this crew when they were worried about your judgement" line:

Izzy means and Edward hears: “I’ve kept the money flowing and the supplies stocked. I’ve talked up your reputation and mystery. And I’ve immediately and effectively disciplined anyone who was stupid enough express doubts."

Edward’s response in this conversation is a mocking “Sounds stressful, Izzy” because he’s already got what he thinks is a foolproof and brilliant plan (which he’s concealing to fuck around), so as far as he’s concerned, Izzy’s complaints are baseless and therefore he’s just bitching about doing his job.

i think these are both perfectly reasonable interpretations to make. again, we don't know a lot abt what life looked like for blackbeard's crew before stede. the only things we see him do before stede are just sit ominously in his cabin and smoke; izzy's the one who's going out and running errands (and whining about it). so maybe this is an accurate look at how their operation is run!! maybe izzy is the logic behind the blackbeard brand, taking ed's crazy ideas and making them actually work, making sure they have enough munitions and crew and whatnot. and maybe ed just kinda does whatever he wants with little to no regard for the logistics.

i don't think that's the case for two reasons: 1. izzy says blackbeard is the most brilliant sailor he's ever met, and in my mind this means that ed is fully capable of coming up with and executing some wild plans with minimal input, we just haven't seen ed giving piracy his full attention and 100% effort at any point in the show, and 2. what he says in the next scene when lucius is giving his countdown and izzy was trying to get stede to do captain shit:

"You wanted to be Blackbeard, this is what it's like[...] They're on us now. Time for a new idea, Stede. The crew's gonna die. Hurry, you're gonna lose all your men. It's all gonna be your fault. All of the men who trusted you. All their blood's gonna be on your hands. It's going to be your fault!"

and from the way izzy looks at ed in this scene (and the fact that the writers/showrunners/david jenkins/whoever chose to edit a second of his face into the middle of this rant), i don't think ed's just spouting dramatic bullshit to make stede panic. i think this is genuinely how ed feels whenever there's a situation where they actually have to come up with a plan. from how ed's described it, it sounds like blackbeard is such a feared name that as long as they just avoid european military ships, everything runs fine. and when they do get backed into a corner (like they are in this episode, albeit only bc ed made them fire on the spanish ship to save stede), izzy is instantly turning to ed for a plan. ed's plan to escape the spanish was flawed, but we... don't see izzy come up with anything better??? ed might spend most of his time these days just lurking in his cabin or whatever, but he's still the real genius behind the legend of blackbeard.

so, when izzy mockingly says "sounds strEssful, izzy," i don't think it's just bc he already has his own plan. i think he's mocking izzy's complaints bc izzy is exaggerating his own importance. i think at this stage in the game, blackbeard is such a legendary figure that izzy is like the ships that fly ed's flag: easily striking fear, obedience, and surrender without ed even being there. there's not a lot of "keeping money flowing and supplies stocked" that ed or izzy have to do, if they're running low on supplies they can just go raid a random ship and they'll surrender and give them everything. there's not a lot of "talking up ed's mystery" or "disciplining anyone who shows doubt" required because who would doubt blackbeard? (ivan voice: this is why you do not doubt captain blackbeard!)

and, because my personal interpretation of izzy and ed's backstory has them meeting when "blackbeard" is pretty well-established, in my mind this is probably how it's always been, more or less. maybe years ago, when ships didn't immediately surrender every time they flew his flag and not everyone had learned to fear blackbeard yet, izzy probably helped ed figure out plans and come up with new fuckeries, probably helped recruit new crew members and bully them into submission. but these days it's hardly a challenge, so ed is mocking izzy for complaining about how hard he works, when there's hardly anything izzy even needs to do.

anyway. that's not even what this ask was even about lmaoooo

the main gist of your argument, from what i gathered, is that ed and izzy act very casual around each other, so obviously izzy knows and gets along with ed, and he's not only in it for blackbeard (there's a second part of ur argument, and i will get to that later. much, much later). i get what you're saying, and i also agree that the way the two of them interact is very familiar and comfortable. however, i don't see all of those interactions as ed fully dropping the blackbeard mask. there are only a few times when ed and izzy interact and ed is more ed than blackbeard, and every time this happens, izzy is Not About It.

like, of course izzy knows that The Legendary Blackbeard is a myth made up of fuckeries. izzy isn't stupid. at least, not in the same comedic way where the crew of the Revenge fully believe ed has met the kraken, or where stede totally believed pete when he said blackbeard's head was made of smoke. izzy knows blackbeard is a human man. he knows his head isn't made of smoke. he knows ed can bleed (he's probably run ed through on several occasions). so he definitely knows ed isn't always violent, always bloodthirsty. he sleeps and eats and gets drunk and shits. he's a guy. but that doesn't mean blackbeard isn't real. izzy's seen him in action, seen him come up with brilliant ideas and get them out of tight corners for years. izzy says himself: he's honored to work for blackbeard, the most brilliant sailor he's ever met

so blackbeard is an incredible badass, genius sailor, and also a human guy, one that izzy works for. the thing with the "workplace comedy" aspect of this show, and the thing with captains and first mates, is that being on a pirate ship is not like clocking into the office. you're stuck in a wooden box with a bunch of other men for days and weeks (months?) at a time, you're gonna get cozy. captain and first mate, in my opinion, is inherently a more casual relationship than your usual boss and employee. there's gonna be some level of joking around and shooting the shit that isn't the norm for other jobs.

but in my opinion that doesn't negate any of how badass and notorious blackbeard is. izzy knows that the blackbeard who floats down from the sky surrounded by smoke and fireworks is also the blackbeard who gets tangled up in the harness. but he still came up with that idea, and used to to successfully raid god knows how many ships. so for izzy, by being able to call blackbeard by his real name is an honor. he's the only one who really gets to talk to ed.

it also doesn't mean that the two of them are actually emotionally close, or that they even really know each other that well outside of Being Pirates. this discussion started bc of my post where i was thinking about ed's "i don't have any friends" line. i elaborated on my stance more on that in the notes and also in this ask, and im just gonna copy and paste the last paragraph i wrote on that ask bc it basically sums up how i read ed and izzy, which of course forms the foundation for why i think izzy likes blackbeard more than ed:

i totally think they were closer in the past, but not in a friend way. they had each other's backs, they came up with plans, helped each other when they were wounded. but did they like, talk abt anything other than piracy? did they talk in depth abt their pasts? did they talk abt their interests? people can interpret this show however they want, but ed saying he doesn't have any friends makes me think that they didn't, or that if ed ever tried to, it wasn't received well (and i don't think that's entirely izzy's fault, ed's language can sometimes be hard to understand. but the point is that izzy didn't understand it, doesn't understand it, doesn't understand ed. not the way ed wants to be understood)

and when i look ed and izzy's interactions through that lens (that they're comfortable enough to whine to each other and maybe even tease each other a bit, but izzy still values ed for blackbeard more than as a person and a friend), i don't have a hard time reading their behavior in a way that still fits my interpretation. i'm not gonna talk abt every single time ed and izzy say words to or about each other in the show, but i am going to look at some of the scenes you specifically mentioned:

1. "Oh Edward, can't I just send the boys?"

short analysis for this one, bc i basically tackled this one a few paragraphs ago: i agree that this is a semi-joking little bit, where izzy is whining and ed is giving this task to izzy specifically bc he knows izzy's not gonna want to do it. that's some funny, friendly banter right there! imo tho it still fits with like, weird work friend whose personal life is a mystery to you

(and as for the bit you said abt izzy not meaning to lie to ed, i would be more inclined to believe that if it wasn't for the fact that he verbatim says "i explicitly told him... blackbeard requested your company." when izzy walks up to stede and says "my boss would like a word with you," i actually don't think he was trying to hide who his boss was. but when stede just brushes him off, i think he probably knows why he's being so dismissive, or at least suspects. i think the word choice in "so i'll tell my captain that you're declining then, yeah?" was more deliberate. and sure, maybe by the time he got back to the ship he'd forgotten the specifics of the conversation, but bc this is a fictional show where like, dozens of people choose exactly which words end up in the final product, i don't think it's a mistake for the writers to show us a scene where it's very clear that stede doesn't know who izzy's captain is, and then a few minutes later have izzy say "i explicitly told him... blackbeard requested your company." the writers want us to know that izzy is not giving a true account, and i think the writers were trying to show that that was intentional on izzy's part)

2. "Izzy, they've got a bird guy"

i will grant you that the imminent death of the approaching spanish warships was probably putting a damper on izzy's mood that day, but i'm not sure i'd believe that there's ever been a time when ed was excitedly showing izzy something non-pirate related and izzy was anything more than bored and tolerating of it, not without explicit proof from the show. i don't think ed would rlly be dissuaded from showing excitement abt weird shit just bc izzy wasn't into it; again, they're weird work friends who are friendly enough to tease each other, and this sort of interaction falls into that category, imo. also, we already know that izzy responding negatively to things does basically nothing to stop ed from doing them (up until episode 10, anyway, but that's another can of worms): sending izzy to chase after stede, firing on the spanish vessel, banishing izzy from the ship. hell, when ed pranked the Revenge crew with the little surprise fuckery, izzy did not seem that into it! but ed just kinda listens to izzy complain and then does what he wants anyway. so if he's all excited abt this crew they've invaded that are all grubby and covered in rope and have a bird guy, and this weird fancy ship full of so much useless junk, what does ed care if izzy isn't playing along? giggling and showing izzy the miniature ship model doesn't seem out of character for someone with that sort of casual relationship with izzy. i'll give you that this probably isn't the first time ed has excitedly shown some stuff to izzy, but it's also probably not the first time izzy's response was flat disinterest

3. Edward goes straight from the boat to a vent about his boredom and frustration.

ed also goes and tells stede, a man he's known for less than an hour and also might be planning to kill, that he's tired of being blackbeard. i know a lot of fans talk abt the love-at-first-sight, instant-best-friend thing ed and stede have going on in episode 4, but my personal take on ed's thought process in this ep is a little different from that. so in all honesty, it wouldn't surprise me if ed's been complaining about being bored for years. drunkenly whining to the guy sitting next to him at a bar. chatting with the racist captain of some british vessel before he has his men kill the guy. he's probably complained to izzy before! the only real difference is that stede's the first person who actually listened and didn't just, like, laugh or brush him off. because it's kind of a wild thing, to suggest that the legendary blackbeard retire. it's the first time ed's even heard of the concept. so it's hard to imagine that ed's opening up here with the hopes of getting any actual support.

basically, my take on this scene with izzy is that ed's just venting to the closest person, who happens to be the guy who won't stop nagging him abt some dumb shit like trying not to get killed by the spanish or whatever

4. Izzy's resignation

imo, izzy gets really mean here not because he "doesn't fear backlash," but because he thinks he's gonna die and ed isn't coming up with any sort of plan. and izzy doesn't start off mean in this conversation, either. he drags ed away and starts complaining abt how ed made him track down stede and attack the spanish, which, much like izzy complaining abt being sent to invite stede aboard, still falls under what i consider to be "normal pirate and first mate interactions." he only really starts getting aggressive and insulting as ed continues to brush him off and even mocks him ("kinda the job, they're pirates," "sounds strEssful, izzy," "that's blackbeard. i'm stede, remember?" and also just ed's expression this whole scene, the smug smirking and the exaggerated frowning and the very blatant lack of attention being given to what izzy's saying to him)

like, izzy isn't afraid of backlash because 1. his intention going into this conversation was not to call ed a twat, just to try and get ed to please focus on their impending doom (and also maybe he was already planning to give his resignation at that point, just... not so colorfully), 2. ed was seriously being a dick, so he got so riled up he wasn't thinking too hard about consequences, and 3. he literally thinks he's about to die. i don't care how legendary a pirate is, if one of them is laughing at me while enemy ships are chasing me down, i'd probably flip him off, too!

5. Edward is the one he apologizes to at the end of the episode, and stays for when asked.

you only mentioned this part in one sentence and you do not elaborate on it, but im going to because i have a lot to say about this scene and love saying words

the thing with this scene is it starts with izzy throwing his stuff into a dinghy. there's like, a million ways to read this scene, but as far as i can tell, he wasn't planning to speak to ed—although, idk, now that im really thinking about it, maybe he was loudly tossing his stuff in the hopes that ed would hear him and come down to chat. that's also possible. but did he have a plan for if ed didn't come talk? or was he just gonna straight-up leave? where was he gonna go? back to blackbeard's ship? or was he gonna look for a new job? did he think ed would try and find him again? izzy what was your plan here

im throwing out all these possibilities just to sort of reiterate my point that a lot of scenes between these two can be read in a myriad of ways. if i'm being honest, my read mostly leans towards "izzy was planning to leave without directly seeking out ed, but he was also trying to get ed's attention, and he was hoping ed would either tell him to stay, or would want him back if he left," even tho that kinda goes against my main stance that ed and izzy are not good friends and izzy doesn't like ed much as a person

because like, whatever izzy was hoping for there, he was at least going through the motions of leaving. and the reason for that is because now that they're not going to die, izzy is realizing, "oh shit, i called blackbeard a twat." whether or not he thinks ed is going to do something to him, he knows that he was in the wrong (which is debatable, bc ed was keeping izzy in the dark and kind of being a dick about it; i do think ed tried to reach out abt his plan with the whole frankfurter thing, but that can hardly be called "clear communication" and oh boy did this thought process spark one hell of a discussion while i was still writing this post), and he knows blackbeard doesn't let that kind of insubordination slide. it was pretty reasonable for izzy to assume he was about to be banised from the ship (aka pirate fired). obviously, when ed approaches him, he's gonna apologize. he doesn't say im sorry, but he does admit that he was wrong and take back the mean things he said. because now that he knows he's gonna live to see another day thanks to a frankly lunatic plan that ed (and stede) came up with at the last minute, it makes calling ed an "unpleasant shell of a man that's merely posing as blackbeard" seem. wrong. and regrettable.

you don't have to be someone's bestie to feel bad abt calling them a twat, is what im saying.

6. "Let me kill for you" conversation ladyluscinia's beloved

oof ok. so. i hope u don't take my read on this scene personally, because it's very much Not The Same as yours. and for a lot of other parts in this show where our reads differ, i can generally see why you'd think that way and i actually think there's a chance you might turn out to be right. but for this one, i can see why you'd read the scene this way, but i'm preeeetty sure you're wrong. my thoughts on this are pretty much summed up by this post, but i didn't make that one and i want to put my thoughts down in my own words, so.

i don't think izzy knows that ed doesn't kill.

to start, looking at the first paragraph you wrote after the heart emoji: you are correct, ed and izzy do not talk abt their emotions, at least not to each other. you are correct, whether or not they've talked about something is less important than their actions. however, by not talking about something, they do set up a lot of opportunity for miscommunication and misunderstanding. because here's the thing: Ed Does Kill. he very much kills people. he burnt a ship with the crew trapped inside (and so did stede, probably, but that's beside the point), there is zero doubt in my mind that more than one of those maims that ed was so fond of were directly responsible for those maimed peoples' deaths. ed was excited to see soap at the pirate rehab academy, ergo: pirate ships do not regularly carry soap (unsurprising). ergo: sepsis. also, blood loss? hell, there's a good chance ed's gonna talk about pushing lucius overboard like "if you think about it, the ocean is what killed him. or maybe some sharks."

ed "doesn't kill," just like ed "doesn't have friends." it's significant that both of these lines came from ed in the same conversation, and picking these two lines apart is essential to understanding ed. because you were right, ed definitely has had relationships in his life that most people would consider friendship. but to ed, curled up in stede's bathtub after sudden PTSD flashbacks, he wouldn't trust any of those people to see him in this moment. that's what he means when he says he has no friends. he doesn't have anyone he can fully trust to be emotionally vulnerable, to admit weakness to (not until stede, anyway; and i think it's telling that the only time ed calls someone his friend, he's talking abt stede. he calls calico jack his old mate. whether or not ed even means for there to be a difference between friend and mate, i think the writers made the difference in word choice very deliberately). so, in the same way, ed definitely has done things that most people would consider murder. im gonna nab a quote from that post i linked bc i rlly can't think of any better way to put it:

the only part of killing that ed abstains from, or can’t bring himself to do, is being physically and consciously present for the victim taking their final breath as the culmination of his violence

and in the next paragraph, you use the phrase "kill with his own hands" to talk about how ed manages to shrug off the blame, in his mind, for killing people. but like, ed killed his dad with some rope, not technically his own hands. so it's not the his hands that bother him, it's the directly seeing a person die from his actions. ed could tie someone to some tracks and blame the train for that person's death. ed could probably string a guy up by the neck, and as long as he was gone by the time he finally croaked, he'd say it wasn't his fault.

so then, i'm not sure how much this confession really puts izzy's action into a new light. izzy might have noticed that ed doesn't kill as often as the legends probably say, but he's definitely has seen ed kill. he's not making the same distinctions that ed is bc like, the only person making those distinctions is ed. to borrow a line from this great post, i think ed's learned "how to kill somebody but make sure they die a few steps/minutes later, when he’s on homebase and it doesn’t count or whatever." and even if izzy has noticed something, i think at most it's just that ed doesn't often kill people if it's not 100% necessary, or maybe that ed orders people to be killed more than he kills himself.

but you said yourself at the beginning of this post: izzy doesn't really relish in violence for the sake of violence—but he does relish in power, and violence is a very useful tool in getting and maintaining power. we see his love of power from the way he bites back his grin when ed implies that izzy would take over after his retirement, and the way he smugly sits in front of his new crew and just. eats. while being a weird dick to them. izzy wants to have power, and failing that, he wants to serve power (that's why, when they almost throw him overboard and then ed goes and sings sad songs in a robe, izzy tries his best to shut that shit down. but more on that later). and while he doesn't relish in violence, he does recognize that blackbeard's legend is entirely built on violence. he expects ed to perform a certain level of violence, but it doesn't actually have to be all that excessive

so, if izzy's noticed that ed has a habit of "outsourcing the big job" to izzy and the other crew members, it doesn't necessarily mean he's noticed a weakness. ed having his subordinates kill people for him is hardly weak, not when izzy 1. doesn't give that much of a shit abt ed being Super Violent Always, and 2. izzy has seen ed kill before (by normal people's definition of kill, not ed's), even if ed didn't stick around to see them draw their final breath (also 3. it gives izzy a chance to be closer to ed, but im gonna get to that in like, three paragraphs). if anything, ed walking away to leave someone to slowly bleed out from his wounds or die from an infection is probably seen as more violent and cruel than just pulling the trigger against someone's forehead. like, it is kind of badass to cut someone's limb off and just then walk away while their screams echo throughout the brig, eventually dying down as the blood loss slowly starts to take its toll.

also in this paragraph you said that izzy probably put "ed killed his shitty dad" together. honestly, i don't even think he needed to. there's a good chance ed would've told him that himself at some point, in a way that wasn't a tearful confession, but probably more drunkenly bragging. either way, though, it doesn't really matter, point is that izzy knows ed killed his shitty dad. and killing your shitty dad, in izzy's gritty world, is hardly weak. if anything, it just adds another layer to how badass he thinks ed is: he killed his dad when he was just a boy!

now: your next two paragraphs, aka the last two paragraphs where you discuss the "let me kill for you" conversation. like you said, ed hasn't killed stede yet, but izzy doesn't necessarily think the plan is off. izzy's also watched ed get excited abt tiny ship models. palling around with some rich weirdo for a little longer than they originally planned is hardly the weirdest thing ed's done. izzy's getting impatient bc it's been a while, and he was promised he was gonna get to be captain soon, and ed is not doing cool badass pirate things. izzy hates everything that's going on and he wants it to stop.

so he's trying to end this weird stint on the Revenge and start captaining his own crew. finishing the job himself will be the quickest way to get to that. and izzy, who is basically ed's errand boy, has probably killed dozens of people specifically on orders from ed that were given in private—because you're right, ed's job requires that everyone think ed is 100% willing to kill people. again though, izzy sees violence as a tool, one that he thinks ed is willing to wield with no restraints. it's gratifying to him when ed puts that tool in his hands, because it means ed trusts him, and it means ed is letting him closer than he lets anyone else.

so, like, in my opinion, izzy thinks ed is perfectly capable of killing stede. he encourages the whole fuckery (twice! once when stede firsts suggests it to ed, and again when stede is trying to call the whole thing off) specifically to give ed the opportunity! at most, he maybe thinks ed is a little more reluctant than usual, but that's probably just because of the whole "stede is ed's pet" joke they keep playing with this episode (and also he thinks ed and stede are fucking. homoerotic stabbing scene my beloved). like, up until ed kicks izzy off the ship, i don't think izzy realizes just how much ed cares about stede. he thinks stede is has been, like, a fun fling for a few days and that ed's gotten a little too attached, but he still thinks the plan is on.

and the biggest reason izzy offers to end it, aside from expedience, is that getting to be the one who puts down ed's pet would probably extremely gratifying to him. this goes hand in hand with your line that "This is another behind the curtain thing, just like using Edward's name or getting teased by him in private, and Izzy loves those things." like, for all stede's managed to hold ed's attention these past few days, stede would never be able to do this for ed (not in izzy's mind, anyway, who knows where they'll go with stede in the next season). like, tell me izzy wouldn't pop a boner from killing ed's two-week fling. he's a weird little freak who wants to own and by owned by blackbeard! he's five feet and [REDACTED] inches of internalized homophobia buried in layers upon layers of toxic masculinity! he sees ed and stede (and the crew of the Revenge) being happy and gay and having actual gay sex, not just subtextual gay sex, and he's like, "right, wots all this now." izzy hands doesn't fit in here, and more importantly, he doesn't fit with edward here.

killing ed's fling is not just about killing the guy who is taking ed's attention away from him. it's about killing the person ed is becoming around stede. and ed, for his part, likes who he's becoming. he likes telling ghost stories and dressing up all fancy and hanging around with this goofy blond guy. and izzy, for all he thinks he's seen behind the curtain, for all he thinks that he's special for getting to call him edward and getting to jokingly whine at him, has never seen ed act like this. he's never seen ed. the "behind the scenes" blackbeard moments that izzy were privy to were just a continuation of blackbeard, a piece of The Legendary Pirate that izzy was the only one special enough to see it. or so he thought

7. Episode 10 aka The Things I Said I'd Come Back To Talk About Later aka That's Right Baby I'm Still Fucking Going

in case you forgot (and i'm assuming you forgot, because holy shit has this thing gotten long, i've been working on this response for four fucking days), there were two spots where i said i'd come back to Some Subject:

the main gist of your argument, from what i gathered, is that ed and izzy act very casual around each other, so obviously izzy knows and gets along with ed, and he's not only in it for blackbeard (there's a second part of ur argument, and i will get to that later. much, much later)

izzy wants to have power, and failing that, he wants to serve power (that's why, when they almost throw him overboard and then ed goes and sings sad songs in a robe, izzy tries his best to shut that shit down. but more on that later)

guess what baby!!! it's later!!!!!!! and the subjects i'm coming back to are actually The Same Subject!!!!!!!!!!

so, the second part of your argument is about why izzy is Like That to ed in episode 10 (which makes sense, it's the biggest hurdle in your argument, just like the "i'll kill for you" scene is the biggest hurdle in mine). your take is that ed rejecting piracy, rejecting the life he had with izzy, is what makes izzy snap at ed. not the shaved beard, not the blanket fort, not the crying and eating marmalade straight out of the jar. and i hear what you're saying, but i think there's like, two things from the episode before that you're not considering

the first is that when ed signed the act of grace, izzy did not seem that sad that ed was gone. he was appalled that ed would "lick the kings boots" (kinda hypocritical, iz, they're only here bc you chose to work with them), but the next time we see him he's sitting in front of the crew of the Revenge and stuffing his face. the man does not seem to be bothered. not until they try to kill him, that is.

and the trying to kill him is the part that i really think puts izzy's behavior in episode 10 into perspective. izzy literally almost just died. the crew almost threw him overboard. the only reason he's still alive is because ed just happened to make it back aboard literally one second before it was too late. and even after signing the act of grace, even with his beard shaved, even sadly shuffling away like a toddler who's been sent to time out, ed's presence is enough for everyone to fall in line. yes, there's the initial shock of "holy shit, what happened to him?" but then, presumably, izzy goes back to being first mate? aka first in command, what with ed hiding in his room crying? even though literally everyone on the ship was about to kill him, they go right back to following orders. but only because ed came back

we don't see izzy taking care of ed while he's sobbing away in the cabin, but i agree that presumably, he was the one bringing ed the tea, food, booze, and marmalade. i don't know necessarily that izzy climbed into the fort (he could've just left it all outside) or offered emotional support (i. truly. cannot fathom. what izzy trying to give anyone emotional support. would look like), but he was at the very least keeping ed alive in there. because without ed, izzy's a dead man

and i also think this is why he tries so hard to cover for ed and keep the rest of the crew from asking questions. i don't think it's because he's trying to give ed space to "be sad for a while." i do think it's because this is his nightmare scenario for his No Feelings Allowed mentality. because for izzy, who is relying on ed's presence to keep him from getting thrown overboard, the things ed is doing are not worthy of respect. and what happens to izzy if the crew doesn't respect ed anymore? what then? if they're not worried about ed's reaction, what's stopping them from finishing the job and throwing izzy overboard while ed's not looking? yes, izzy is not being hostile to ed (not yet, lol), but that's because izzy's position on the ship at the moment is very, very precarious.

and the tipping point isn't even when this goes public. or at least, not fully. because yeah, izzy's face as ed is singing is... not approving. he very much looks like he wants to puke. but he lets it happen! he lets ed get out there and sing his weird sad song! and for all that he's not having a blast, he still jumps to "defend" ed from being disrespected. he hasn't given up on trying to keep ed's fearsome persona alive (because, again, without it, izzy is a goner).

the tipping point is ed saying he wants to be called ed, because i agree, he's saying that izzy isn't the only one he talks to anymore, izzy isn't the only one who sees behind the curtain anymore, izzy isn't special anymore. and the tipping point is also when ed says why are we even being pirates, because the only thing izzy knows is being a pirate (and arguably isn't even that good at it). so izzy, who needs ed to be bleackbeard, and needs blackbeard to need him, is losing the only thing keeping him alive (being ed's first mate) and the thing he prided himself on most (being the only one who "saw behind blackbeard's curtain," even though, like... did he?)

and your take at the end, about how izzy was lying when he said "blackbeard is himself again." i hadn't seen those scenes compared before, and i'll admit, it's a strong argument. there's a good chance izzy is lying in this scene, and he's regretting ever opening his mouth. if he is, i don't think that necessarily ruins my stance. ed did cut off izzy's toe and feed it to him. i wouldn't be surprised if izzy's hesitation is not about ed being too violent now (because ed's done the toe move on people before), but about ed being violent towards him

but also, these aren't the only two times we see izzy smile. the moment that sticks out to me is how izzy reacts when ed is telling him he's gonna make izzy captain when he "retires." he gets this giddy little grin that he seems to fight against very hard. and the way he very quickly tamps that smile down is very similar to the way he seems to try and repress his smile in the "blackbeard is himself again" scene. i could see this moment as izzy lying, but i could also see it as izzy riding the same giddy high of being blackbeard's right hand man, of being so close to power.

because the thing with the "izzy didn't want this" take is that. well. he makes that face in the toe scene. after the initial scream in pain, after the ed forces him to chew in swallow, izzy's fucking face when ed removes his hand, the reverence in the way he whispers, "yes blackbeard." like, seriously, go back and look at that scene, i swear to god for a split second his lips twitch into a smile. because izzy, insane fucking freak of a man izzy, is into it. he looks like he's experiencing divine intervention or some shit. yes, he also looks scared shitless, but con o'neill is way too talented for that reverent, hushed whisper to have been intended as just fear. and the directors and editors are too fucking good at their jobs for the shot to look like that. all zoomed in and dark. like, with the way con's tits are out, it looks like it could be a shot from a goddamn sex scene, if you ignore the blood (or maybe not, idk, having blood all over your mouth is kinda sexy)

anyway, IN CONCLUSION:

i think izzy is in love with who he thinks ed is, which is informed by the years they spent together while ed was still enjoying being blackbeard. i think that the tragedy of izzy is that he thought he was the only one who knew ed, but he didn't actually know him at all. the way ed goofs off in episode 4 makes me think this isn't the first time he's tried to show other parts of himself to izzy, but for whatever reason (either ed being very bad at opening up, or izzy immediately shutting down anything that wasn't Badass Macho Pirate stuff—or maybe some combination of the two), izzy and ed have never gotten along when ed isn't having fun being a pirate. thus, izzy is in love with blackbeard, not ed. he wants to blackbeard's right hand man, the only one who's allowed to see behind blackbeard's curtain. he doesn't want that with edward.

but that's all my opinion and interpretation!! i might turn out to be wrong!!! i don't think i am, but who knows!!!!! the part that i really am gonna make a firm stance on (and the whole reason i sent the ask in the first place) is that i just don't agree that "izzy only likes blackbeard not ed" is contradicted by the text the way you claim it is. it's not explicitly confirmed, either! i think that from what we know right now it's just heavily implied, but it's vague enough that it could go either way. the fact that i can very clearly look at the show through both of our viewpoints means that your specific take is not as textually supported as you think it is. which is literally fine, this is just a gay pirate tv show, who really cares (says the person who just wrote. So Many Fucking Words, lmao)!! we are all just here. talking abt pirates online. vibing.

thank u again for responding to my ask, i really had a blast reading your takes and then picking them apart mercilessly lol. boy howdy do i love thinking about this show! AND NOW IM GONNA GO WRITE MY ESSAY OH FUCK

wait hi it's me ourflagmeansgayrights messaging u from the main blog. i liked ur addition when u rb'd my post abt ed saying he doesn't have any friends, but i also saw ur tags and i would LOVE to hear ur tangent abt why the "izzy likes blackbeard not ed" interpretation is contradicted by the text. i've personally have been reading it that way, and most of what i've seen/heard abt ppl talking abt ed and izzy have been reading it that way, but i would rlly like to hear the other argument

Oh yes, @ourflagmeansgayrights . Absolutely. I love presenting arguments. (At length, as you will see 😅)

(Link to the mentioned post for reference)

Ok, so first, most important point - Edward is not a soft marshmallow center person whose true self is silk robes and sweets and singing. My first major meta for this fandom was an analysis of his character, which is pretty long but worth the read since that's where I'm coming from for ALL of this. (Also the skeleton of this whole analysis is in there too.) I'm going to use names the same way I did in that meta, where Edward is the real guy, and "Blackbeard" and "Ed" are both at least partially fake personas he's putting on. Got it? Ok.

Why Izzy Loves Edward (Not Blackbeard)

Obviously, Izzy does spend a lot of time propping up the unapproachable legend of Blackbeard, which is where I assume the idea he's fixated on it comes from. The thing is that this is what Izzy does in public, to other people, and it's kind of his job. Izzy in private is a different story.

---

Broadly, Izzy's approach to the Blackbeard mask is very similar to and informed by Izzy's general approach to violence. Unlike multiple other characters, including Edward, Izzy isn't much of a sadist. He treats violence as a tool he's very skilled with. Uses it with purpose. He isn't invested in keeping Blackbeard around because he thinks he's real. Blackbeard is a tool that, in Izzy's assessment, they very much still need (and one that can be put away when not needed).

"Blackbeard" isn't just a persona of Edward's, he's a fuckery that Edward and Izzy both have invested a lot into maintaining. A way to keep them in power and unquestioned for decades in a profession where slipping up can get you murdered by your own crew. Blackbeard is especially armor for both of them because Izzy and Edward both have personal issues that cripple their ability to lead alone, so they operate as a codependent unit instead. Edward is still an active participant in this unit and the abusive power structure it utilizes when we first meet him, almost certainly because he agrees with Izzy that the traditional "never let them see you weak" style of piracy is valuable.

So you can imagine that his decision to go all in on trading "Blackbeard" for "Ed" a month or so later sends Izzy into a panic (exacerbated by the fact that Edward has not communicated with Izzy for shit in that entire timeframe). That's what's blowing up in 1x10. It has nothing to do with hating Edward himself, because as far as Izzy is concerned Edward is not being the real Edward at the moment, and he's mostly right. In fact, the main reason it can all go so disastrously wrong is because Edward is still himself under "Ed", and fully capable of making his own terrible panic decisions when Izzy reality checks him and accidentally hits the worst possible sore point.

That's Izzy and Blackbeard. A public front of intimidation and awe that keeps anyone from getting close enough to hurt Edward or Izzy. But the benefit Izzy gets from helping keep all this up is that he's is allowed, encouraged, even entitled to go behind the curtain as he pleases.

So he does. And Edward is happy to have him there.

Izzy in public is way more casual with Edward than others are, doing things like being the only one allowed to use his name, but Izzy alone with Edward is on another level. He can't possibly think Blackbeard is real, because there is no way in hell he would interact this comfortably with Blackbeard.

One of their first interactions is Izzy getting an order and immediately whining "Oh Edward, can't I just send the boys???" And Edward teases him about it! He's not remotely mad or treating it like insubordination (probably because there is no question Izzy will get it done). It's a joke between them! Oh lol Izzy's gonna hate this! And while I do think Izzy deliberately doesn't try very hard because he thinks Stede is stupid, I don't think he's consciously plotting to lie to Stede and then Edward or even entirely aware he did so. Stede did shut down that interaction very quickly without getting all the information, and that's kinda on him.

In 1x04 we are seeing them completely out of sync, but also the episode is littered with echoes of intimacy. Edward's little "Izzy, they've got a bird guy" bit and showing him the boat with such enthusiasm are not habits that get ingrained if Izzy has never reacted positively to that kind of sharing in the past, even if he's too distracted by imminent death for fun right then. And Edward goes straight from the boat to a vent about his boredom and frustration.

On Edward's end of the conversation alone the timing is awful, he won't share his plan to assuage Izzy's worries about the imminent death problem to make the timing better, and his wording leaves a lot to be desired, but it's a very human emotional moment and he's not afraid of or concerned at all about sharing it with Izzy. He trusts Izzy. Unfortunately, both of them are kind of disasters at solving emotional problems on a good day, so Izzy is not exactly equipped to respond well and unsurprisingly fails to do so.

Later, Izzy pulls Edward away to talk alone and does his own emotional vent in the resignation scene, which is about the same level of successful communication as the last one - read: basically none - but, again, Izzy isn't afraid of backlash here. He's talking to Edward, not Blackbeard. He's always talking to Edward. Edward is the brilliant sailor he chooses to follow and the person he treats like an equal in personal matters. And Edward is the one he apologizes to at the end of the episode, and stays for when asked.

And I think the real evidence that Izzy is perfectly fine with the parts of Edward that aren't Blackbeard is in 1x06. ("Let me kill for you" conversation my beloved! 💓)

The thing is that Izzy is not an emotionally vulnerable person, and definitely not a talking about your emotional vulnerability kind of person. And to be honest, I don't really think Edward is either, he's just so desperate for something right now that he'll do it anyway. So whether or not they've talked about something is less important then their actions, and holy fuck does this episode imply some actions.

The reveal that Edward doesn't kill with his own hands throws a lot of Izzy's actions leading up to the duel into a new light, because I just don't see how Izzy could not be aware of that fact. He's Edward's right hand. He must have noticed, and Edward likely knows he did. In fact, if Edward makes a habit of telling the kraken story, I wouldn't be surprised if Izzy put "Edward killed his shitty dad" together too. And that knowledge adds a lot of context to what Izzy's doing, even if I can guarantee they've never talked about it.

Of course Izzy is unsurprised that Edward never killed Stede in his sleep and isn't taking a lack of action as a sign the plan is off. Of course he doesn't assume that the conversation is done when Edward agrees to kill Stede in front of Fang and Ivan. So he goes to Edward, alone, and he offers to take care of it. That's huge! If Izzy had objections to the real Edward then this should be a massive sticking point. He should be irritated that Edward is too weak to handle his own problems at best, and more likely actively pushing him to do so, but he's not! The only part of this that Izzy seems concerned with is making sure no one else knows, and that's a matter of common sense considering Edward threatens to kill people for a living.

Izzy doesn't mind at all that Edward can't kill like Blackbeard ought to. He's happy do it for him. Note this is a good time to remember that Izzy is not a sadist or particularly prone to violence as problem solving, meaning the "for you" bit is way more important than the "let me kill" bit. This is another behind the curtain thing, just like using Edward's name or getting teased by him in private, and Izzy loves those things. Like, to the point of jealously guarding them and getting real pissed that when he's being shut out, Stede is getting let in.

This is getting kinda long and I'd like to wrap it up today so I'm going to skip straight to 1x10.

I already touched on the blowup, but let's talk about before the blowup. Edward is a mess. He gets back to the ship, asks Izzy to bring him tea, and the next time we see him he's gone full breakup mode. He's been crying, the room is covered in booze bottles and marmalade jars, and he's in a blanket fort. I doubt there has ever been a moment in his life where he is less Blackbeard than that. And what is Izzy doing (at least before Edward takes his mess public)?

Well, freaking the fuck out, but also trying desperately to cover for him. That's it.

Izzy is the only one who has been seeing Edward. He has brought him tea, and food, and booze and marmalade. If Edward hasn't left that fort - and it sure doesn't look like he has - then I think it is entirely reasonable to assume Izzy crawled in there every day and offered the saddest attempt at emotional support you have ever seen in your life, all the way up until Edward requested Lucius. Pre-blowup there is nothing about Edward's demeanor that implies Izzy has been unpleasant or hostile to his grieving.

Izzy is full on panicking in a nightmare scenario for the whole "don't let them see you weak" mindset - a crew that is way too comfortable asking questions with nothing to distract them - and at the same time he's just supporting Edward as best he can while letting him be sad for a while. His best is pitiful, yeah, but does that sound like a man who can't stand the real Edward?

The tipping point is only when all this goes public. A clear violation of the established rules, a serious potential danger, and Edward casually makes it way worse when he drops the double hit of "Why are we even being pirates?" and stating he wants everyone to call him "Ed".

That's rejection with a blast radius.

That's "I'm unilaterally deciding everything we've built is worthless." That's "Everything you've done to try and maintain us was pointless." That's "Seeing behind the curtain isn't special anymore."

That's "You aren't special anymore, and I don't even care enough to notice I'm telling you this by accident."

"Ed" rejects Izzy, Izzy rejects "Ed", the "Ed" mask slips...

Eventually we end up with The Kraken.

Another major point that people use to say Izzy wants Blackbeard is that Izzy wanted the Kraken. Except he doesn't say that. His "threats" in the cabin confrontation are completely vague. He doesn't tell Edward what he wants from him beyond NOT this unrecognizable "Ed", or even what he would do if his explosion was ignored. It's not fundamentally different from the explosion in 1x04, and that's kinda the problem for Edward because 1x04 almost ended with Izzy leaving for good. Hello, freshly hurting abandonment issues! Ready to drive Edward to some really fucked up decisions?

And as far as Izzy's whole "Blackbeard is himself again" goes... The man is not exactly a good liar, and that is a really obvious lie.

---

So yeah. Izzy is in love with Edward. I feel like the text makes it clear that Izzy values the fact that he gets to know Edward while everyone else is kept at bay by the Blackbeard persona, and Edward doesn't maintain any personal boundaries on his end that imply this intimacy isn't reciprocal.

They are in the middle of a depression spiral and contested divorce right now and not communicating for shit, and I don't think either of them was a talk through their feelings kind of person before, but there is a history of vulnerability and trust there. And not just on a professional level, though their jobs and lives are so intertwined that everything is a little work related.

They are a disaster, honestly, but I do love them so. Mutual toxicity and all. 💓

(Season 2 really needs to make these men talk to each other, though.)

[xans-ex]

What Am I To You? (Jungkook Smut) (Pt. 2)

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader Genre: Smut Length: Long

*Warning- Extreme Sexual Content*

Summary- It’s been half a year since you and Jungkook started dating, and while many people may say that it’s a dream come true to date an idol, it’s actually been hard on the both of you. But you know Jungkook, and you know that whenever things get too hard, he’s always quick to make it all better.

Hours turned to days. Days into weeks. Weeks into months. Jungkook has been your boyfriend for an ongoing six months and you feel like you’ve been given the world every time you looked into his eyes. He’s everything you ever wanted. The never-ending love was something only you two can share, and didn’t want anyone else to see.

But as you sat in your dorm, working on an essay that is not due until next semester, you realized just how lonely you are. BTS had been working on their album for months and when they finally released it, they had been performing and doing interviews and going back and forth between Korea and Japan.

You rarely saw Jungkook, in fact, you never saw Jungkook. The only source you had to see your boyfriend was on TV or on social media. You typically weren’t one to keep up with social media, but Taehyung told you that to keep up with them, you at least needed a Twitter account, so that’s what you did.

You would’ve felt more alone when it comes to Taehyung being gone, but he at least sent a text message or sent a SNOW message every time he could, whether it be him eating with the other members or him getting his makeup done. Other than that, that was all you got to keep you from sitting in the dark listening to a depressing playlist, as dramatic as that sounded.

Although BTS had been on your mind for days, you needed to finish this essay. You’re known by professors for finishing your assignments months early and if you finish this essay now, you’ll be able to go on an earlier vacation than the other students.

You typed quickly on your laptop, your books for research already opened to the right pages to keep you resourced. You were writing an essay on the possible happenings if the world were to get rid of their individual governments which was a topic that you chose since it would be so easy. 

You were flipping through chapters when you heard your phone ringing. You looked over, expecting it to be your mother and you grabbed it and quickly put it to your ear, not bothering to look at the caller ID. “Hey mom, I’m working on an essay but I should be done in another hour so can I call you back?” You heard a low hum and you were taken by surprise to hear a male’s voice reply to you. “I see that you didn’t look at your caller ID cause I’m far from being your mother.”

“Jungkook?” You said his name louder than you realized and pulled your phone away from you to see his name in big letters on your screen. “Hey baby, I’ve missed you.” You almost melted at his words, but you were too upset with him. “Where have you been? I’ve been waiting for a month to hear from you but I’ve gotten nothing. Taehyung can send me text messages and cute videos but you can’t even send me a message saying anything? I’ve been so lonely and so sad, you have no idea.” You didn’t mean to complain and whine but it’s honestly how you felt. You miss Jungkook like crazy, and it felt like he didn’t even understand that.

“I know, and I’m sorry Princess. We’ve just been so busy, and Taehyung is just a lot better at keeping up with everyone. I’m always on my toes doing something and I’ll forget to message. Forgive me?” You could hear his sincerity through the phone and you hummed as if you were thinking but in reality, you forgave him as soon as he spoke the first time. “I forgive you.” You smiled, leaning back in your chair.

“That’s good. I was just calling to tell you that we’re finally done with all our performances so we’ll have a good month to relax until we start planning our world tour.” You perked up. “Y-You’re coming back? When?” You looked at your calendar and started planning on the bus fee to get to the airport. “We’ll be back in Korea tomorrow morning.”

You were luckily gonna be finishing this essay tonight so you were pretty much free for a good while. “Tomorrow morning...sounds great. Should I meet you guys at the airport?” You waited for Jungkook’s response but it took longer than you thought. “Don’t do that, we’ll come get you from your dorm.”

“What do you mean? I can’t come to the airport?” You were confused. Getting to see your boyfriend and your best friends when they get off their plane was all you thought about since they’ve been gone. “No, you can’t. Fans pack up the airport and things get really hectic trying to get out. You know what, it’ll be better if you’re already at our dorms so no possible fans following us can see you. I don’t need drama on Twitter.”

You understood what Jungkook meant, and you completely understood that this was most likely something all of them thought about and wanted you to do. “Okay...I understand.” You heard Jungkook sigh before humming again. “Well I gotta go, I’ll see you tomorrow?” His question made you chuckle, as if there was a slight possibility you wouldn’t be there. “Of course you’ll see me.” You heard his low chuckle and you instantly felt warm as if he was already in your embrace. “Well, goodnight Princess.”

“Goodnight, I love you.”

Your eyes widened as the words quickly left your lips and you instantly shut your mouth, your teeth slapping together. Jungkook was silent as well, as if the call had already ended but you looked at your phone to see that it was still ongoing. You panicked, quickly ending the call and tossing your phone onto your bed. You told Jungkook you loved him. Although this may not seem like a big deal to others, this was big for you two, because you never told each other that you loved them.

You were waiting for the right time to tell him that you loved him or even for him to tell you but your waiting has been ruined by the slip of your tongue. You sighed, running your hands through your hair before looking at your laptop that was glowing in front of you, the cursor floating over a sentence that you didn’t finish. You needed to clear your mind, so this essay was all you had.

The walk towards the BTS dorms always made you happy. Knowing you would be seeing them left your heart pounding and your walk was quick and jumpy, the white flowy sundress you decided to wear, blowing in the wind as you walked. You prepared yourself as if you were seeing them for the first time, your hair was curled perfectly and your makeup had no mistakes, which meant you had to get up early but that wasn’t a problem for you.

Walking past the familiar business buildings and restaurants, your eyes scanned all over for any signs of their return, but all you were able to see was some advertisements that had Jimin’s face on it for a skin cream. As you searched, you walked past you and Taehyung’s favorite bakery. You stopped, looking inside as the sweet smells of pastries and breads filled your nose. “Wouldn’t hurt to get them something..”

You squeezed your way in through the back door of the dorm, your hands full with a bag of breads and flavored pastries and drinks for the members. You got to the kitchen, setting them on the table. The clock that was facing you read 8:25am and you yawned, the need for a little rest catching up to you. You had no idea when BTS was going to come back and so far Twitter wasn’t telling you much if they had even landed at the airport yet, so you decided to just go ahead and take a nap.

You walked up the stairs, making your way into Jungkook, Jhope, and Jimin’s room. You walked over to Jungkook’s bed, squeezing your way past his many instruments and studio sets. His bed was soft, his sheets clean and inviting. You laid down, his pillow smelled of him and it brought you comfort as your eyes closed and you fell asleep peacefully.

Lips.

Why that word came to your mind in your dream, you were trying to figure out. You slept, but it felt like something was touching you.Your lips. Your lips were being touched...by someone else’s lips, and you knew exactly who’s they were.

Your eyes flew open quickly, Jungkook’s face pulling away and your lips instantly felt cold after being deserted. “Good morning, Sleeping Beauty.” He smirked. “Jungkook!” You grabbed him, pulling him down to you quickly and he followed,landing on top of you. “I missed you too, Princess.” He chuckled. As you held him, your mind started to wander as it always did to what you told him last night. You questioned whether or not you should bring it up but you quickly declined, not wanting to talk about it so quickly since Jungkook just got here.

He pulled away slightly, his arms wrapping around you and he looked at you, studying your face. “You’re beautiful...” He leaned in slowly, his lips making contact with yours and you were quick to kiss him back, your kisses were loving and passionate but there was a hidden hunger and desire behind it. It was true that you missed Jungkook, more than anything. You also missed the way he touched you, and the way he kissed all over your body, and the way he fucked you. But that wasn’t something that you were going to tell him.

Jungkook’s hands traveled all over your body, his hands traveling around your back and then to your stomach and upwards until his hand cupped your breast. A small moan left you as you kissed him but you were quick to whine when he pulled away. “Not right now...” He whispered and you pouted. “Later tonight, the members are going out for drinks. That’ll be the time when I can finally taste you.”

A shiver ran down your spine at Jungkook’s words and you watched as he pulled away from you, his hands grabbing yours to pull you up as well. You stood in front of him, your hands moving down to fix your sundress a little. Jungkook only stared, his eyes burning into your skin. “You’re staring, Jungkook.” You moved closer to him, your body pressing against his. His eyes flickered up to yours. “I like what I see.” His voice was deep. Deep so his words only be heard by the two of you. You quickly pressed your lips against him, your arms wrapping around his neck and his arms slowly wrapped around your waist.

You heard someone clear their throat and you were quick to pull away, looking over to see Taehyung leaning against the door frame with a piece of bread in his hands. “I knew I’d find you two up here.” He shoved the last piece of bread into his mouth, his arms open wide. “Come and give me a hug!” You smiled wide, quickly running over and hugging Taehyung, his arms engulfing you. You giggled as he spun you around and then set you back on your feet.

“Taehyung...I missed you.” You buried your face in his neck, his scent filling your nose. His familiar smell of vanilla relaxed you, as if all your inner worries didn’t exist. “I missed you too, weirdo.” He teased you. “Why are you looking all pretty? For me?” He flashed you a wide smile and you snorted, playfully slapping his arm. “Of course...not! Idiot.” You giggled as he huffed. “Still can’t respect your hyung? Do i have to leave for another month?” Taehyung’s arms folded over his chest as he pouted before quickly reaching to ruffle your hair before running off.

“K-Kim Taehyung! Do you know how long it took me to do my hair?” You yelled after him, chasing him down the stairs and into the kitchen to see the other members sitting around the table and eating the pastries you brought. “(Y/N!) Jimin wrapped his arms quickly around you, his arms hugging you tight. You pulled away from him, smiling at him before looking at all the other members.

“Do you like the food I brought?” You looked at Jin who was stuffing his face. He nodded, his mouth full of strawberry bread. “You didn’t have to bring us this.” Yoongi gave you a quick hug, his hand carrying his favorite coffee that you brought him. “If I didn’t then who else will?” You flashed a warm smile and all the members smiled back. At that moment as you stood in front of them, you really felt complete again.

As your thoughts wandered, a pair of arms wrapped around your torso. “Taehyung...you took my girl from me.” Jungkook’s voice was playfully full of mischief and Taehyung was quick to stick out his tongue. “Jungkookie, don’t forget that I’m your hyung!” He pinched Jungkook’s arm and before you knew it, Jungkook’s arm flew out and punched Taehyung in the arm. “Hyung, when has that ever stopped me?”

“Don’t mess with Jungkook, he’s been working out every day lately, he’s gonna eat us alive.” Namjoon teased as Taehyung winced at the hit. “We should call him Muscle-kook now, he looks like the muscular men from the sports magazines.” Jimin popped a piece of chocolate topped pastry into his mouth. “Not even, he looks like he could be a body builder. He should be advertising for protein shakes and not chapstick.”

You chuckled as they teased Jungkook, his goofy smile showing. “Whatever, whatever. Jimin is just jealous because my chocolate abs are better than his.” Jimin laughed out loud. “My chocolate abs are iconic, Jungkookie, you have catching up to do.” Jungkook chuckled at that, his voice almost like velvet to your ears and making you melt. His arms wrapped back around you and pulled you closer to him.

Jungkook has been glued to you since he’d seen you, not that you had a problem. You’ve been pretty much melting into his touch every time he had you close to him. Since the members came back, you’ve watched movies, played games, and watched from behind the camera when some of the members went on Vlive. It was entertaining, watching them interact with each other and also their fans. Now you were in the kitchen, eating grapes while Jungkook was wrapped around you, his head resting on top of yours.

“Alright lovebirds, we’re going out for drinks, wanna come with?” Namjoon grabbed his hat as he looked at the two of you. “No, we’ll stay here, hyung.” Jungkook spoke before you could, not that you were going to. You knew exactly what was about to happen once all the members were out that door and you were more excited that you’ve ever been before.

“Alright well, be good.” Jin looked at the two of you and you blushed. They knew exactly what was going to happen and it embarrassed you how easily you and Jungkook were to read. As the members left, Taehyung looked at you. “Use protection.” He teased before closing the door behind him, leaving you alone with Jungkook.

“Race to the bedroom?” Jungkook’s voice was dark and playful and you smirked, looking at him. You bit your lip, looking up at him. He looked down at you, his hand reaching up to pull your lip from between your teeth. “Only I can bite that lip, baby girl.” You held back a moan from his words, not giving him the satisfaction to get a reaction out of you this early. You leaned in, watching as he leaned in as well, expecting a kiss.

“Loser does whatever winner says!” You ran quickly out of Jungkook’s embrace, quickly running up the stairs. You heard his feet running after you, his steps getting closer and closer. You ran quickly into Jungkook’s room, panting as he grabbed you, turning you around to face him. “Well winner, what do you want me to do?” He raised an eyebrow at you and you smirked, biting your lip again.

“Kiss me.”

Jungkook’s lips instantly landed on yours, his kisses were hungry and demanding, and a moan left you as his tongue slipped into your mouth, immediately taking dominance. His hands went down to grab your ass, his hands squeezing tightly as he leaned down to lift you up. You wrapped your legs around his waist, his hands under you to hold you up.

You pulled away, looking into his hungry, dark eyes. “What now, baby girl?” He purred, leaning in to press kisses against your neck. “Take me to the bed.” Jungkook followed your words as if they were all he could hear, his feet quickly taking you to the bed and he placed you down before quickly hovering over you, his lips still attacking your neck.

“J-Jungkook...” You moaned, his lips and teeth on your soft spot and you looked down at him as he kissed down your neck and to your exposed collarbone. “Let’s take this off, hm?” He looked up at you as he pulled down your straps to your dress from your shoulders. “I thought I was supposed to be ordering you?” You ran your hands through his brown hair. “Hm...you know you like it when i”m in charge.” He pulled down your dress,  the soft material slipping off of you easily. “No bra?” He raised an eyebrow at you as he stared at your exposed breasts. “I didn’t see a point in wearing one.” You bit your lip again, your body heating up under his touch as he traced his finger around your nipple. “Me neither.” He bent down to wrap his lips around your nipple, his teeth grazing against it as he flicked and rubbed at your other nipple. Your moans spilled out like honey to his ears and he kissed down your body to your clothed heat.

“Do you want me to pleasure you?” He asked, his finger hooking around your laced panties. “Do you even have to ask?” You looked down at him, your breasts moving up and down as you breathed heavily in desire. “By the look on your face, not at all.” He smirked at you. He put his lips to your pussy, the lace covering you beginning to get soaked with your juices. Jungkook pulled your underwear off, the material falling to the floor. “So wet for me...it turns me on.” Jungkook groaned as he put his finger on your wet folds and his tongue poked out to lick between them. A sweet moan spilled from your lips as you looked down at Jungkook, not wanting to close your eyes.

It turned you on to watch Jungkook pleasure you, and it turned you on even more when he looked back up at you. His lips wrapped around your clit and it was as if your body was floating on warm clouds. The pleasure running through your body as Jungkook licked and sucked at your clitoris was making your body jolt and shake in ecstasy. “F-Fuck, I’m gonna cum.” You moaned, your hands pulling at Jungkook’s hair and you felt your climax come closer and closer before looking up at Jungkook with wide eyes when he pulled away.

“You’re not coming yet. Not till I’m inside of you.” He purred, hovering over you once more. “Well, then let me suck your dick.” You reached down to grab at his cock through his joggers. “No.” He smacked your hand away lightly. “Why not? I’m the one in charge here.” You watched as he took off his shirt, your mouth gaped open at his toned muscles. He leaned back to take off his joggers, his cock completely hard under his boxers. He wasn’t lying when he said that he was turned on.

“Because I want your pussy to be the only thing I feel around my cock.” He pulled his boxers down, his cock popping out like a spring. “You’re so hard.” You bit your lip as he reached over to his nightstand and pulled out a condom. “Only for you, Princess.” He put the condom between his teeth  and ripped off the wrapper, pulling the rubber out before blowing away the wrapper. He reached down to put the condom on. “What position do you want, baby girl?” He looked up at you.

“It’s whatever you want.” You looked at up him to see him looking at you with an amused expression. “You’re the one in charge. What feels good to you?” He leaned forwards, kissing your neck. “Um...I don’t know...um...” You thought to yourself but you didn’t know what to say. Every position felt amazing to you. “Here, let’s try something new.” He lifted your legs so they were on his shoulders and he leaned down so your knees were at your breasts.

“What are you doing?” You looked up at him questionably. “You’ll like this, I promise.” He put his finger to your lips, quieting you before positioning his tip at your entrance. You took a deep breathe as he entered you, the lack of sex over the past month made it a little painful from the stretch. “Fuck, you’re so tight.” He groaned, his hands gripping the sheets above your head. He hesitated, waiting for you to relax before slowly moving inside of you. You groaned, the slight pain being replaced by pleasure. “Jungkook...fuck me.” You moaned and you heard Jungkook’s familiar chuckle as he started to move faster inside you, the sound of skin slapping skin echoing throughout the room.

This new feeling was amazing, the feeling of him pounding directly into your spot as well as him rubbing against your clitoris left you a moaning mess. You felt the feeling of your climax returning and you reached up to grab Jungkook’s wrists. “I’m gonna fucking cum..” You moaned before your back arched slightly, you body shaking as your climax washed over you. “Yeah, fucking cum on my cock.” He growled, pounding into you as you came. You panted as he continued to thrust into you, your oversensitive clit was throbbing in pleasure.

“Time to change.” He pulled out quickly, your pussy feeling empty. “Get on your hands and knees.” He said the words you loved so much and you quickly turned around, sticking your ass up at him and arching your back. “You like this, don’t you?” He quickly shoved his cock back inside you and you moaned, his cock deep inside you. “Fucking take my cock.” He grabbed your hips, pounding into you. You gritted your teeth, your hands grabbing the bed sheets tighter than you’ve ever had them. You buried your head into the sheets, Jungkook’s cock slamming into you at an unbearable fast and rough speed. He reached down to grab your hair, pulling your head back up. “Moan for me, baby.” He smacked your ass, that pleasurable stinging sensation making you moan sinfully.

“You like that? You like when I spank you?” He smacked your ass two more times, your ass turning a shade of rose pink. “F-Fuck y-yes.” You moaned. “Fuck, your pussy feels so good, I’m gonna cum.” Jungkook groaned loud, his body pressing against yours as he continued to fuck you deep and he moaned, his teeth sinking into your shoulder as he came. You moaned out loud at the feeling of him biting you along with him riding out his orgasm.

A deep growl left him as he pulled out of you and you fell onto the bed, your head against one of his pillows. You heard him take the condom off before tossing it into the trash and he was back with you, his arms wrapping around you and pulling you close. His body was sweaty but so was yours, so you didn’t mind. “That was amazing...I missed that.” You turned so you could face him, his eyes searching yours. His face looked serious. “Jungkook? What’s wrong?”

“I love you too.” His words didn’t make sense to you at first and you stared at him, confused. “What?” He sighed, his hands cupping your face and he pressed a soft kiss to your lips. He pulled away, looking at you with a small smile. “You said you loved me yesterday, did you mean it?” He almost looked scared to ask that question. Did you mean it? “Of course I meant it.” You mouth moved faster than your thoughts, but you knew that you weren’t wrong. You love him. 

“Good. I love you, (Y/N).” He ran his hands through your hair and you hummed back. “I love you too, Jeon Jungkook.”

Author’s Note

Hey! Sorry that it took me this whole break to do this but I honestly had the worst writer’s block imaginable. But I’m finally finished! I hope you guys like it!

I’m sorry if there are typos, it’s late at night and I’m extremely tired so I’ll fix all the typos as soon as I wake up in the morning tomorrow!

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO LEAVE MORE REQUEST IN MY INBOX!

I’ll honestly be more able to do a new thing instead of continuing a request cause chapters are kinda hard to do when you didn’t really think you’d do one in the first place. xD

[creator-zee]

1

    I laid in my bed staring at the ceiling. My laptop was next to me open to an empty word document that needed to have a rough draft on it by Friday. I lay in a stupor for a while until I jumped up when I heard the door the my dorm open. I knocked my laptop of the bed and let out a string of curses under my breath as I leaned over the bed to grab it. Rex snickered from the back of my mind and I mentally chastised him as I straightened and made my way to the entry room

     A tall girl (who added to her already considerable height with a pair of black leather boots) stood in the entry way with two suitcases and a back pack looked slightly confused. I took note of the cross necklace and “god is life” pin on her back pack and internally groaned to Rex. ‘Great of course my roommate would be some church girl. And a tall one at that. I’m the one bonded to a demon but yet she towers over me. What use is a deal with a demon if some bible girl is still taller then me?’

     Rex mumbles some reply but I don’t pay attention as the girl finally seemed to notice me. Her eyes went straight to my right arm which had a black demon mark from the shoulder to wrist. She scoffed “Of course I get stuck with the roommate with a demon mark.”

     My brain raced to come up with a believable excuse how did she recognize the mark. “Just because I choose to express myself through ink on my skin doesn’t mean my tattoo is a ‘devil mark.’”

     She stared blankly at me. “I said demon mark not devil mark but whatever.”

    I decided instead of defense to go on the offense at least get her off my back so I could do my English homework. “Either way bible girl, my body, my life, my choices. Just because I don’t choose to worship an imaginary deities some ancient dudes supposedly met doesn’t mean I’m evil.”

    The girl paused, biting back a retort, and exhaled one kind slow breath before starting. “Look I don’t want to argue with each other. Let’s just ignore each other unless we need something. I’ll stay on my side you stay on yours. My name’s Rachel if you need to talk to me demon girl.”

    I shrugged. I didn’t really want to get in a fight with bible girl... Rachel... if I could avoid it. After a quick confirmation from Rex I replied simply with my name, “Lily,” before turning and going back in my room to continue staring at my blank laptop.

     I didn’t have another encounter with bible girl until a week later when my thought process was interrupted by a series of short knocks on my door. I paused before deciding I couldn’t just ignore it and got up to open the door. Sure enough bible girl is standing outside looking slightly nervous. I lean against the doorway and raise an eyebrow. “What.” I see no need for niceties.

    She fiddles absentmindedly with that cross before droning, “Look demon girl I figured I should ask you if it’s okay if I had a few friends over.”

      I shrug “Not like I care bible girl. Just don’t get to wild.” Rex snorts in my head ‘like that should be a problem. Look at her, bet she hasn’t had wine outside of church.’

     She scowls. “I told my name’s Rachel stop calling me that. Besides what do you care? Need peace and quiet to go smoke your pot in your room?”

      I mentally restrain myself. I can’t incinerate my roommate as much as I want to. The paperwork would be a hassle. “Uh, no. I need to write an essay; my final draft is due tomorrow.” She turns to leave and I add, “and I will stop calling you bible girl if you stop calling me demon girl, bible girl.” I hear her stammering some response but turn around and shut my door. I really need to work on my essay.

     Several hours later I’m reading through my essay again much to the complaint of Rex who claims “all the stupid English words look the same at this point and I should just stop.” In favor of coffee ,which require me getting up, I use a simple spell to keep myself awake and Rex complains ‘this is not the intended purpose of demon magic. I did not make a contract with you so you could use my magic for homework.’ I wave my hand in the air brushing him off. ‘Whatever, I let you have fun on the weekends or did you forget how we pay for this ‘crappy human crap.’’ Rex groans in response and I meant ally laugh before continuing to work. Halfway through, I hear a loud crash from outside my room. I ignore it and keep reading. I’m sure bible girl can figure it out she is a giant after all. But a few seconds later another crash shakes the walls. Rex is still sulking so I don’t have to worry about him but my curiosity is still very much present. After sitting for a little bit I save my work close the lid of the laptop and exit my room.

     Outside my room is chaos. The entryway is littered with shoes and coats tossed randomly everywhere. I thought church girls were supposed to be organized. I follow the sound of giggling girls to bible girl’s room. The door is cracked open and I peak in the see bible girl sitting in the floor while her two friends are draped over her bed laughing. Bible girl is loosely holding a bottle of champagne and a few other empty glass bottles are littered around the room. What happened to goody two shoes? Finally I spotted the source of the commotion: bible girls desk is upside down and another girl is laying spread-eagle on top of it like she fell. I turn to leave after all it’s not my problem, and I don’t feel like trying involved in this nonsense right now. 

     Unfortunately, bible girl spots me. She giggles drunkenly, “Hey demon girl. Mind giving us a hand?”

I ignore her continuing to walk away. 

     “Hey! She was talking to you bitch!” 

      One of bible girls friends has yelled at me from the bed. I turn slowly gritting my teeth using all my restrain from stopping my eyes from shifting into demon form like they do sometimes when I’m really angry. I really don’t like being insulted. 

     I spit out each word carefully. “Yes, I do mind, so clean up your own mess. Bitch.” Before I can hear their response and lose control I storm back to my room. Finally finished with my essay, I put my laptop away and sigh, time for some sleep. 

     Just as I’m about to drift off to sleep I feel my bed sink under someone’s weight. I lie very still and try to control my breathing opening my eyes slowly to see who it is. Fear leaves my body being replaced by anger as I see the tall form of bible girl.

     I whisper shout, not wanting to wake the whole dorm, “What the fuck are you doing?”

      Bible girl giggles. “Stealing a kiss from a demon.”

     I sigh, some thief. “Won’t you go to hell for that, bible girl?”

     She hiccups. “Maybe.”

     I sit up keep the drunken girl at arms length. ‘I should probably help her right? She’s so drunk.’ 

      Rex laughs. ‘Why? It’s her fault. I say dump her in her room and let her friends deal with her... or even better draw something on her face then give her back.’ 

      I glare as best I can at a demon in my mind. ‘No we’re not doing that.’

      I get up and drag the drunken girl out of bed forgetting I’m only in shorts and a large t-shirt.

      She giggles while stumbling after me, “Ooh the demon has some nice legs. Too bad you have that ugly demon mark, oh sorry tattoo, or you might actually be cute.”

      I ignored her and took her back to her room. It’s still a mess but her friends seem to have vanished. I lay her in bed and point. “Stay.” I return with a glass of water and hand it to her. “Drink.” She finishes it and I take it back. “Sleep.”

      She mumbles. “Fine bossy pants,” but lays down anyways. I return to leave a full glass of water on her night stand before retreating back to my room. Rex mumbles ‘and you call her goody two shoes.’

Being the genius I am I retort ‘oh just shut up.’

     I wake up to shouting in the next room. I squint and run my eyes who is bible girl in an argument with this early.

     “Ugh! Moooom I already told you I don’t want to date Bobby. I don’t care care that he’s handsome and sweet and a real gentleman...”

     Sounds like bible girls in trouble with her parents. 

     “... can’t I just focus on school while I’m in college... yes I know eventually you want me to get married and have kids but eventually isn’t right now... yes I promise... no I won’t fool around with girls anymore... no that’s not why I’m not dating any guys right now...”

     Off sounds like bible girl drew the short straw. Must suck being gay and religious. Guess I shouldn’t have been surprised after how she acted last night. 

      “... I already told you there’s no demons here... no I’m not sure... lots of people have tattoos okay mom... yeah I’ll be careful... yes I’ll call you if I found one. I really doubt a demon will be going to college though... love you... bye.”

     Oh great she knows demons exist, and that they can bond with humans in a demon mark. Just great. I bet her family are demon hunters too and use the power of christ in an honorable quest to rid demon scum from the earth. Not like demons can survive un-bonded on Earth anyways. They can only survive in hell.

     I glance at my clock. Shit! It’s already 7am I have to print my paper and get to class by 8am to turn it in and the library and my class are on opposite ends of campus. Guess I’m skipping breakfast. 

    Rex, being his oh so helpful self, suggests, ‘why don’t you just teleport?’

      I groan ‘because that won’t go badly at all.’

      ‘I don’t know what your talking about we only almost teleported inside a girl last time. It was fine.’

      ‘Right. Fine.’

    Luckily I only have morning classes today meaning I can return back to my bed after a quick snack from the cafeteria. 

     I shove the bagel  in my mouth as I fiddle with the keys to my dorm. As I get the door open and remove my keys I take the bagel out of my mouth only for it to be knocked out of my hand by bible girl who has pinned me up against the wall? What is going on? Anger and confusion night for control before I see the fallen bagel and anger takes over. Low on sleep on food I’m not in the right mind and I let my anger control me. My eyes turn black and my iris begins to glow a cyan blue.

     Bible girl whispers next to my ear. “Hah. Knew it. You are a fucking demon. Don’t worry I won’t tell. I like demons. They make such good fuck buddies.”

     My anger grows and I use my magic to bolster my strength. A cyan glow surrounds my arm in the rough shape of Rex’s demon form’s arms. Bible girl, though maybe I should just call her bitch since she certainly doesn’t act like much of a bible girl anymore, stands no chance against my magic and I slam her against a wall. 

     “Want to say that again?” I growl lowly. 

     She doesn’t look scared like she should instead she smiles. “Ooh, feisty I like it.”

     ‘I’ll show you feisty.’

     I start with a knee to the stomach causing her to double over. I bring her face down into my knee. Blood begins to soak my pants but I ignore it. In fact I’m invigorated by it. I let her go and she collapses to the ground. I kick her in the side. Hard. Repeatedly.

     “Please... stop...” I hear her whimper.

      I snap out of it. My eyes returning back to their normal brown color. I stare at the bruised bloody and beaten girl on the ground. What have I done?

      ‘What she deserved’ Rex states before retreating in my mind.

      I crouch down and feel for a pulse. It’s there. Thank god I didn’t kill her. I hurry to my room and grab my bandage kit that I use on myself on the weekends. Luckily, I don’t think I broke anything since I used my legs not my magically strengthened arms. But her nose is bleeding. If that doesn’t stop she could bleed to death. I sit her up despite her groans and tilt her head forwards pinching the bridge of her nose until the blood flow stops. Then I assess the damage her clothes are probably ruined, stained with blood. The floor luckily is wood and should hopefully clean up fine. I help bible gir- no Rachel to her room and tell her to change into new clothes and I will try to wash those. While she’s changing, I clean the floor. I toss the bagel in the garbage and the towel in the sink. I’ll wash it with Rachel’s clothes when I get them from her.

     As I wait outside Rachel’s room I wonder how I’m going to fix this. Rachel’s obviously going to tell someone after I beat the shot out of her. Man... I’m so screwed. L is going to kill me if he as to move his operation because I got mad over a bagel.

     Rachel hands me her clothes holding them as far away from herself as she can. When I reach for them she flinches back and I sigh. I really messed up. I sit against the wall as I wait for the clothes and towel to dry.

     Several hours later Rachel leaves her room and towers confidently over me. “You know I could call my parents. One word and they’d be here in an instant to exorcise your sorry ass.” She holds her phone in one hand fingering it gently to call attention to it. She pauses, staring me down. “But... I suppose I could keep it a secret and this,” she gestures to her nose, “a secret. If... only if you do what I say.”

     I nod slowly. Unfortunately, I don’t have many other options and I think she knows that.

     Rachel grins evilly. “Great! I’ll let you know if I need anything.”

      I think I’m going to start calling her bitch. 

     Bitch comes into my room later (without knocking) and plops down on my bed, where I’m sitting. I pull my knees up to my chest away from her. She’s currently sporting a black eye and probably several other bruises under her, admittedly stylish, outfit. 

     “What’s a demon like you doing in college?” When I don’t respond right away she pulls out her phone and pretends to start dialing.

     “Fine. Whatever. I’m just here to get my medical license.”

     “Really? Why would a demon want to be a doctor?”

     “Why does anyone want to be a doctor?” I retort. “And don’t you know I’m not a demon. I’m still human just bonded with a demon.”

     Bitch laughs hollowly. “Of course I know that. Blonde, not dumb. Saying human bonded to demon is just such a mouthful we just refer to people like you as demons. Obviously, real demons can’t survive in this realm.” She pauses for a while just looking at me. Normally I don’t care about what people think about me but I shrink from her gaze. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because she tried to seduce me or maybe because I beat her up or maybe because she know has control over my life.

     She suddenly grabs my right arm. I resist at first but she glares and I let her grab it. He runs her arms up and down I try to resist flinching at her touch. As she pushes the specs of my t-shirt over my shoulder she mutters, “You know you can learn a lot about a demon from its mark.”

     I did actually know that and knew what to look for in other demon marks to gauge power, strength, and specialties. The ability to read my opponents tends to come in handy in the ring. She yanked on my arm pulling it closer to her face. Reluctantly, I let her.

     “You must be bonded with a particularly powerful demon since your mark covers your whole arm.”

     I don’t reply hoping she won’t uncover anymore info about me or Rex.

     “Unfortunately, I never learned how to read demon marks, thought it was useless. But, I have an uncle I bet would be willing to teach me. Just you wait demon I will know all your secrets soon enough.”

     With that foreboding statement she dropped my arm and left the room. I pulled my arm back to me, pulling my sleeve back down. Maybe I’ll start wearing long sleeves.

[awashsquid]

This is my entry for the Same Prompt Fic Party, clocking in at JUST under 4500 words (after some intense editing down from 5000 because I’m Ridiculous that way).  This is a modern take on Cinderella, as I’m not great with historical settings.

“Minako, I don’t want to go to this dance.”

Haruka pulled on her lanky shoulder-length hair, trying desperately to yank hard enough that it would snap off.  She looked at herself in the mirror wearing the dress that her stepmother had given her—it was big, fluffy, pink, and covered in ruffles and bows. To some girls, it would have been a perfect confection of taffeta and chiffon, but to her, it felt like being smashed into a corset-lined coffin.

“First off, Haruka, it’s not a dance, it’s a social,” she emphasized, carefully applying a winged flick to her eyeliner.  She smiled at her reflection before capping the liner and turning around to face her roommate.  “Second of all—Jesus fuck, is that what you’re wearing?”

Haruka shrugged.  “I’m pretty sure this was my mom’s prom dress in the eighties...  I think Stepmother fished it out of the attic.”  That at least explained the slight musty smell that wouldn’t go away no matter how much cologne she sprayed on it.

Minako pursed her red-tinted lips and tapped the eyeliner to her chin.  “This isn’t going to work.”

“THANK YOU,” she responded vehemently, “now help me get this thing off so I can flip on Netflix and order pizza.”  She turned her back to Minako, gesturing at the laces holding her tightly enclosed.  Firm hands grasped her shoulders and turned her around so that they were face-to-face.

“I’ll help you take it off—” she held up her hand to silence the incoming celebration “—but you’re still going to the social with me.”

Haruka groaned.  “In what, Mina, my underwear?”

A glitter-cased phone buzzed on the counter and Minako hopped to answer.  “Okay, you’re gonna have to get yourself out of that.  I’m grabbing something for you to wear.”  She moved to the door but found herself stopped by the hand lightly gripping her wrist.

“How the fuck am I supposed to get this off?” Haruka’s eyes were wide.

“I mean, is it sentimental?”  Her answer was a head shake.  “Then the scissors are on my desk.”  And with that, she slipped out of the hold and disappeared.

Haruka eyed the scissors with a little trepidation. She didn’t feel close to her mother—it was hard to given she had died when Haruka was only one, so she had no memories of her—but she still felt guilty ruining the dress.  After her stepmother had moved in, everything that was her mother’s had disappeared, and she was too young to smuggle much out of the garbage.  

She tugged on the laces without any success, then sighed and angled her hands behind her back to cut them.  “Sorry, mom,” she mumbled right before making the first snip.  The laces fell away, piece by piece, until the dress tumbled off her into a pool of fabric and ribbon scraps at her feet.  She took off the fancy strapless bra Minako had lent her and gratefully pulled on one of her well-loved sports bras instead.

Her eyes darted to her wall calendar and she groaned at the reminder that she had practice in the morning.  Running was the only thing that made her feel her, the only thing that made any sense at all, but she didn’t have to enjoy waking up when it was still dark.  When she had initially gotten the acceptance letter to this fancy private college, she had been thrilled.  Before this, the best she had pictured of a life for herself included taking vocational courses and working at the local mechanic’s shop, because she knew that her stepmother wouldn’t give her anything her father had left when he died.

The track scholarship was a full ride: no loans needed, and no matter how she steamed and made snide comments, her stepmother couldn’t take it away. And when she had packed her car, a junker she had fixed up herself, with her few belongings and driven away, she felt sure that things were about to change, that her life was about to take a turn for the better.

But what she didn’t consider was the fact that she was a “charity case,” someone who was only valuable so long as she continued to excel at running.  Meanwhile, her classmates seemed intent to focus on designer labels and where they had “summered” over the break.  (One girl asked her that, and her answer about working for the mechanic’s shop had been met with a look of terror.  The next class, the girl sat across the room.)  Thankfully, she had been assigned Minako as a roommate, and her drama scholarship meant that she was a little more relatable.  It was fortunate that they got along well, because the charity cases weren’t given the same luxurious private suites as their bourgeoisie classmates, meaning that they shared a bedroom and bathroom and therefore spent a lot of time together.

Beep-beep-beep. The triple-toned chirp meant that Minako’s keycard wasn’t working again (for such a rich school, it was amazing how things still went wrong). Haruka listened to her swearing for a moment, chuckling to herself, before crossing to open the door for her struggling roommate.  “Having some trouble?”

“Shut up, I just saved your ass from that cotton candy nightmare,” she grunted, hanging a garment bag in the closet.

“Please tell me this isn’t another dress,” Haruka muttered, unzipping the bag.

“Give me some credit, I know you better than that.”  Inside was an extremely handsome suit, navy blue with a white button-down shirt and mustard yellow tie.  It was the kind of suit Haruka had always pictured herself wearing, and she ran her fingers gently over the rich fabric.

“I knew you’d like it!” Minako rang joyously, giving her roommate a little hug from behind.  “Okay, but focus for a second, ‘cause this comes with a catch.”  Haruka turned around and looked at her questioningly. “I borrowed this from a friend whose family owns the tux shop—that one on Fifth, you know?—and he lent this out for me, it’s technically on reserve for a wedding tomorrow.  But, we have to leave the party by midnight so that I can get it back to him on time for it to be cleaned before it’s picked up.  Also, the shoes are definitely too big, but we can stuff some toilet paper in them.”

“Midnight?”  Minako nodded.  “That’s still amazing, thank you so much,” she babbled, squeezing her into a quick, tight hug and beginning to unbutton the shirt.  

“Hold on there, Ruka.  We gotta do something with your hair before you get dressed.”

Haruka tugged on her hair again.  “I mean, there’s not much to do with it,” she replied glumly.

“Of course there is!  Sit down and trust me.”  She patted her desk chair and pulled a towel out of her drawer to use as a makeshift cape.

She couldn’t hold back her concerns as she sat and the towel was draped over her shoulders.  “Mina, if I go home with my hair cut, my stepmom will—” she didn’t finish the sentence, but winced and touched the cigarette burns on her stomach. She knew Minako had seen them when she changed, but she didn’t want to talk about it.

“Yeah, you’re not going back there.”  She knelt down so that she was eye level.  “I found an apartment off-campus that takes financial aid.  It’s cheap, and if we both get work-study jobs and do some part-time stuff over breaks, that’ll pay for it.  And we can move in at the start of spring semester.”

“You know I can’t. We’ve talked about this.  Even if I could afford the apartment, that doesn’t cover food or gas or anything.”

Minako gasped and put a hand over her mouth in an exaggerated gesture of shock.  “Oh no!” she cried melodramatically, “what ever shall we do?  Mayhaps all is lost!”  She dropped the act as quickly as it had appeared.  “Or maybe, just maybe, I actually know that and paid attention to all of your lesbian diatribes?  And you’re kinda careless with your laptop, so I got some information off there—”

“If you robbed a bank as me, I will fucking—”

“And maybe,” Minako pressed on, ignoring Haruka’s outburst, “I applied for a few scholarships for first-generation college students in your name, and with some killer essays.”  She grabbed a paper off her desk.  “And congratulations, Haruka Tenoh, you are now the awardee of a scholarship that should more than cover all expenses.”

Haruka grabbed the paper so fast it almost ripped and began to scan it, checking for some sign of forgery, some indication that this was a prank, but she found no such evidence in the thick cardstock and embossed seal.  “You did this…for me?” she choked out, realizing that she never had to go back home again: never had to deal with being shoved in the musty attic like an unwanted holiday decoration, never had to scrub the floors with a toothbrush all night after working under cars all day; she would never be treated like an it, like something subhuman, again.

“Can the waterworks, buddy, this is just as much of a plus for me.  Fuck knows I hate this dorm, and I couldn’t afford a place on my own.”  The words were harsh, but her smile was soft.  “Now let’s do something with that hair.”  She snapped the scissors shut, grinning widely.

--

“I’m still not sure about this,” Haruka muttered, tugging at the bottom of the borrowed suit jacket self-consciously.  Her ears felt colder, newly exposed to the chill of the autumn air.  Minako was no hairstylist, but she didn’t do a bad job, and Haruka had stopped looking at her reflection reluctantly when it was time to go.

“Oh relax, it’ll be fine.”  Minako tugged on her companion’s arm and pulled her towards the entrance.

“Mina!”  A man at the door cried, and she led Haruka as easily as a puppy on a leash, past the line of people waiting to get in, until they were standing at the front. It was immediately clear why he had been chosen to be the bouncer; he stood six inches over Haruka and looked like he weighed three times more in pure muscle.  His eyebrow arched as his eyes glanced over her, dressed in the suit, hair newly shorn.  “This your…boyfriend?”

Minako giggled and touched his large bicep lightly, her eyelashes fluttering as she responded.  “No, silly, this is my roommate Haruka!  I gave her a little makeover.”

He had the decency to look embarrassed at his mistake. “Oh, sorry, Haruka.  We cool?”

Haruka was too busy reveling in the fact that she had gone from forcibly feminine to someone else entirely, someone who didn’t have to wear skirts or makeup, someone who was free to be herself, finally.  She managed a nod and got a grin in return.

“Any friend of Mina’s is a friend of mine.  You guys can go right in.”  He opened the door and they entered, ignoring those still in line asking why they got to go in first. Haruka almost asked that question herself, but Minako answered before she had time.

“He’s in my health class and he’s pretty good at anatomy from all those workouts he’s into.  Not so good at writing a sentence though, so we work together sometimes, mutual benefit and all that.”  The wink she added onto the end made Haruka unsure if studying was all that they did, but she generally made it her policy not to ask, lest she get more details than she really wanted.

The house wasn’t like the fraternity houses portrayed in college movies.  It was a massive manor with vaulted ceilings covered in balloons and streamers, with tables of food and drinks all around the huge open space.  The fraternity letters (which Haruka reminded herself to look up later) were hung over the stone fireplace at the other end of the room, barely visible behind the people mingling and dancing.

“There’s usually furniture in here, guess they cleared it out for the party,” Minako mused, stepping forward and grabbing two beers out of an ice bucket on the floor.

“Probably didn’t want anyone puking on their couches,” Haruka countered, accepting the offered beer and twisting off the cap.

“To our first college social,” Minako toasted.

“And may it be my last,” she added, clinking bottles before both taking a swig.

“Minako!”  A girl who was stumbling a little in her stilettos came over and tightly embraced her.  “Oh my god, you need to come dance with me!”

Minako glanced to Haruka, silently asking permission to leave, which she acquiesced to with a nod.  And then, before her beer was even half-gone, Minako was whisked away into a sea of people dancing to some hip-hop remix Haruka didn’t know.  Might as well wander around, she figured, ambling on the fringes until she found an open archway.

She passed through into a game room where people were playing billiards or trying their hand at darts; a few had even set up a beer pong tournament (on a table embossed with the fraternity’s letters, which probably cost more than a semester of her rent).  There was another exit across the way and she took it, sipping at her beer as she went, only to find herself having made a loop.

Now that she could see the front of the room without hordes of people in the way, she noticed that small tables dotted the edges, and some were taking advantage of the opportunity to sit and take a break from dancing.  A few girls had removed their heels and were rubbing at achy feet, and Haruka realized gratefully that she was never going to wear heels again.

She felt somehow both awkward and at peace; she didn’t know anyone, so she wasn’t really part of the party, but observing people while comfortably invisible was something she could tolerate, if only to make Minako happy.  Her empty beer bottle was tossed into a recyclables bin (some girl named Rei that Minako thought was hot had done a piece in the school paper about the waste that parties created, and some houses had taken to recycling afterwards) and she nicked a can off of a shelf.

Just as she popped the tab, someone tapped her shoulder and, after years of being grabbed by the scruff of her neck pre-punishment, she instinctively flinched, hard, and the beer spilled.  She mentally cursed herself for being so goddamn jumpy, but a quick once-over told her that it had only hit the dress shoes and not the suit.  She spun around with an insult ready for whoever had almost ruined a suit that wasn’t even hers, but it died on her lips when she noticed who had tapped her.

“I apologize for startling you so,” the girl’s voice was quiet, but Haruka could hear every word.  It was like she was underwater all of a sudden, and the noise from the party died away as she gaped at the other woman, a fish that hadn’t yet mastered what to do in the deep sea.  “I was wondering if you would spare a dance.”  There was no uncertainty in her eyes: it seemed she already knew the answer to her question.

“Yeah, uh, sure, I mean, definitely,” Haruka stumbled, clumsily setting down her beer and allowing herself to be led to a corner of the room, following the bounce of the teal hair in front of her.

When the strange woman spun around, her hair and skirt twirled like some princess out of a fairytale, and absently she wondered if she was just having a really good dream.  “I’m not quite sure we’ve crossed paths before.  I’m Michiru Kaioh.”  She extended her hand and Haruka shook it, eliciting a small giggle as Michiru’s hand grasped her own, moving them outwards in a formal hold.

Instinctively she touched Michiru’s waist, and she could feel the warmth from underneath the silk and lace.  Something clicked in her mind.  “Wait- Kaioh?  As in, three-buildings-on-this-campus-are-named-after-us Kaioh?”

“Soon to be four, I believe, as I’m currently petitioning Father to give some much-needed funding to the orchestra program, which of course would require a full renovation of the music building,” came the airy response.  She was discussing spending millions, maybe billions, of dollars as casually as Haruka would talk about what flavor of microwave ramen she was going to eat.  Michiru led them into a sort of slow waltz, a little stilted because Haruka had never danced before, especially not like this. Michiru’s thin eyebrows raised a little. “Do pardon, but I’m surprised you didn’t recognize me.  I attend most campus events, to show the Kaioh support, of course.”  There was almost a little bitterness in the phrase, as if she didn’t want to show “the Kaioh support,” but Haruka chose not to point it out.

“I’m a freshman,” she answered instead.  “I haven’t really been to a lot of stuff. Actually, I think this is the first thing I’ve done here besides—” she almost added practice for track, but she realized that was more information than she wanted to reveal, “—studying.”  Let Michiru think that she was one of them, just for a few hours, then end the dream at midnight when she would be a charity case again.

Michiru’s lips, such a delicate pink that Haruka couldn’t tell if it was lipstick or just natural beauty, curled a little into a smirk. “A true scholar,” she remarked. “An admirable quality.  Forgive me, but I don’t recall you telling me your name.”

Haruka shook her head, a little too hard, due to the recent loss of most of her hair.  “I’m nobody.”

“I highly disagree,” Michiru countered, and she stopped their rhythmic swaying.  “I would go so far as to say that you are the most interesting person I’ve spoken to all evening.”

She felt herself blush and removed her hand from Michiru’s waist to scratch at the back of her head, feeling the fuzz there and realizing she couldn’t tug on her hair now.  Thankfully, her phone buzzed, saving her the awkwardness of a response. “Sorry,” she muttered, digging it out of her pocket.  The cracked screen read “12:00” in huge numbers, and Minako was calling her.  She stuffed the phone back into her pants. “I have to go, I’m sorry,” she rambled, backing away.  “You- this was amazing, and you’re beautiful, and I need to go, I’m sorry.”

Haruka turned away, ignoring the voice asking again for her name, ignoring the small hand that touched her elbow, and began to run towards the door, weaving through the packed dance floor with the ease of someone accustomed to jumping over roots and dodging trees on cross-country runs. She soon felt her right shoe come off, but when she turned to retrieve it Michiru was coming after her, and so she continued to flee, leaving it behind.

When she got outside, the line from earlier had disappeared and Minako was on the lawn, phone pressed to her ear.  “Oh, awesome, I was worried I lost you, I’ve been looking for like a half hour,” the words blurring together as she exhaled with relief. “Come on, we’ve gotta get going, and—where the fuck is your shoe?”

“Some asshole spilled a drink on it, it was ruined, I’m sorry,” she lied, not wanting to tell Minako about her encounter.  Not just yet.  She wanted to cherish it, to replay it as a secret memory for a while.  “I’ll pay for a new one out of my mechanic money…or at least I’ll try.”

Minako rolled her eyes and pulled her once again as they began to travel along the sidewalk.  “Those shoes are probably handmade leather harvested from endangered baby cows or something ridiculous.  Honestly, we should ditch the other one and I’ll say he didn’t give them to me.  This kills our chances of borrowing a suit again, though, so you might want to start hitting up Goodwill.”

“Yeah, I’ll do that,” she replied absentmindedly, thinking of nothing but the feel of Michiru’s hand on hers.

--

The next week flew by in a blur of practicing for the first meet of the season and trying to keep up with her surprisingly hefty amount of coursework, and Haruka found she didn’t have much time to think about Michiru. She had Googled her, a move Minako would probably classify as ridiculously corny if she knew, and read a little about her accomplishments: master violinist, promising artist, trilingual, heir to the Kaioh fortune, and a 4.0 student, too.  Haruka compared that long list of accomplishments to her own—barely graduated high school, capable of running really fast and really long—and laughed at the notion that she would want her if she knew who she really was instead of rich kid in a pricey tux.  

After that, she had made a purposeful effort not to think about Michiru, throwing herself into practice and work with a fervor that left her too exhausted to daydream before falling asleep.  The lone shoe was tucked into the back of her closet under a blanket, the only proof that the evening hadn’t been a fantasy.

Saturday morning came, and she stretched extra and made sure her running shoes were laced tightly before walking out of the locker room and onto the track.  The stands weren’t exactly packed—track wasn’t as big of a draw as football or basketball—but there were a decent number of people watching.  She spotted Minako, wearing a “GO HARUKA” shirt she decorated with a Sharpie, and waved, her friend cheerily returning the gesture and giving an enthusiastic thumbs-up.

All too soon, it was time for her to take her place at the starting block, and she tried to tell herself that the extra sweat was because of the sun instead of nerves.  She could feel her heart racing and struggled to keep her breathing even as she lowered herself into position.

And then the starting gun went off, and all she could feel was the wind.

--

She hadn’t broken any records, but she managed to come in First in two of her three events (and it would have been three if she had jumped the last hurdle a little faster).  Minako bounded up to the fence separating the track from the stands as soon as she was allowed, her smile dazzlingly bright.

“You did amazing! And now that the first one is over, I bet the rest will be easier, you’ll be more relaxed.  Well, that’s how it worked for me after my first time, anyway,” she finished lewdly, adding an exaggerated wink that prompted Haruka to roll her eyes.  “Whaddya say to ordering Chinese and watching some sappy romance to celebrate?  My treat, as long as you shower first.”

“That would be—” she had been about to say great, but the unmistakable teal hair behind Minako’s head distracted her, and she choked on the rest of her sentence.

“I don’t mean to interrupt what sounds like a riveting evening, I’m sure,” came the melodic voice, and Minako whipped around so fast her long hair almost hit Michiru in the face.  “I was simply hoping to speak with Haruka for a moment, if I may.” Minako tilted her head curiously and peered out of the corner of her eyes at Haruka.

“Mina, can I meet you at home?  That all sounds great,” Haruka offered up weakly, eyes never leaving Michiru’s.

Minako huffed, glancing back and forth between the two.  “Fine.  But you owe me an explanation, and if you’re not home by seven, I’m eating your dumplings.”  Haruka nodded to confirm acceptance of the terms and Minako left, glaring at Michiru as she did.

“So, uh, you wanted to talk to me?” Haruka inquired, absentmindedly scratching her head, a habit she had developed to replace her previous hair-tugging.  She shifted her weight from one foot to the other, trying and failing to appear casual.

“You know, you ran out of that party incredibly fast,” Michiru teased, her eyes alight.  “So fast, in fact, that one could only assume a professional running career.  It wasn’t quite so hard to track you down as you may have anticipated.”

Her face went red again, and she wondered if that was going to happen every time she talked to a beautiful girl.  She really hoped not.  “Look, I’m sorry.  I- I didn’t mean for you to assume that I’m- well…”

“Rich?  Polished? Groomed?” Michiru supplemented.

“Yeah, all of that,” she mumbled, her head falling to look at the ground.  But then she felt a feather-light touch on her chin lifting her face back upwards.

“Haruka, perhaps you had not considered that it is precisely these reasons that I chose to approach you.” Her hand lowered, and immediately Haruka wished it would go back.  “While you looked handsome, that suit was clearly not tailored for you, and you had no idea how to waltz, let alone how to lead.”  Haruka was sure her face couldn’t get any redder and idly wondered if you could pass out from sheer embarrassment.  “I recognize that people at this school can…put on airs, to borrow a cliché.  But I have been surrounded by their kind for as long as I can remember, and not one of them has your sincerity.”

Michiru smiled, and it reached her eyes in a way that seemed genuine as she pulled from her designer tote the shoe Haruka had left behind.  “At any rate, I wished to return this to you.  Inside you will find my card.  I do keep a rather busy schedule, but I assure you that I would be able to clear an evening, if you so desire.”  She leaned forward and kissed Haruka on the cheek; and then she was gone, and Haruka was left standing on an empty track with a shoe and a burning cheek.

A little over a week ago, she wouldn’t have dared to even look at the card.  But now she found herself gently lifting it out.  On the back, written in neat cursive, was a phone number that was marked as “personal mobile.”  The smell of flowers—perfume, maybe?—wafted upwards, and she hummed at the delight of the light scent.

Grinning widely, she bounded off to the locker room to shower and change.  She couldn’t wait to tell Minako everything that had happened.  And, heart soaring, she recognized that she couldn’t wait to call the number and see her again.

And they all lived happily ever after…

…except Minako, who had to deal with Haruka being ridiculously lovestruck for the rest of the time that they lived together, eventually investing in noise-cancelling headphones so she didn’t have to hear her crooning Disney love songs off-key ad infinitum.

The End.