#i am so tired i want to sleep in my bed
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i hate this week so much i just wanna be back on my normal schedule and have some peace
#i hate landlords#when will they repair our roof#also the damn car is taking forever to get fixed#i am so tired i want to sleep in my bed#i literally forgot to pack underwear so…
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killer being like "yeah i know every single little thing about horror and dust" (because he watches them as a part time hobby (freak) (find something better to do)) and then he acts surprised when they do something that he wouldnt expect them to do in his little predetermined absolutely perfect concept of them
like what do you MEAN horror licks spoons clean when he's using them so he doesn't have to get a completely different one for the main course and the dessert. what do you MEAN dust has a lisp even though he speaks fluently and uses even more complex words than killer himself. horror knows how to sew and he often patches up their things without either of them noticing?? dust always wears oversized and clothes that cover him up just because he finds it comfy?? what??? out ra geous???? these guys have small little quirks to them that killer doesn't already know about???? killer immediately wants to know more. so he can expand his internal profile of them of course. not for any other more endearing and sweet reason. not at all,,,,,,,, (:3)
#AASHSHAHHHHH this one is so cute....... this thought. thank you brain for making this thought#it's like killer's experiencing sonder (except he's not aware of his own complexity of life because of his own derealization/personalizatio#actually i dont think this deserves to be a side blog post. this is too damn CUTE#at first the 2 were probably weirded out by killer watching them and now they probably dgaf...... killer comments less than youd expect#but now theyre used to his shit so they do all these tiny things that killer gets to pick up on and learn more about them#its so interesting...... killer can do as much reasoning as he can to try and find a logical reason for why they do these little things#but in the end if the real reason is just because they wanted to or they felt like it then how can killer comprehend that?#how can they just do that so easily and choose to do things based off a whim instead of having a calculated precise reason for personal gai#he wouldnt realize it on his own but noticing those little things coming fron horror and dust who used to be like him could help with the#everything is just a game and i am simply an avatar and the ultimate goal is the win aka be the most powerful#for dust and horror theyve already turned their consoles off. theyre out of their games theyve finished. their goal was just to beat it#(like if horrortale finally got the good ending it deserves because of aliza horror would have finished#if dust beat the player and due to extreme boredom (ITS GOTTA BE EXTREME EXTREME) decides to leave to explore the multiverse)#in killer's eyes theyve achieved their goals. but killer's still playing his game. maybe he IS the game. but eitherway he's not done#like they r. so taking into consideration how other versions of himself act when theyre finished with the game could he act like that 2??#did HE also finish his game and he never realized it? should he be basing these ideas off dust and horror when theyre kinda not the same gu#killer would find so many hoops to jump through to justify getting rid of the everything is a competitive game idea but there would be smth#IDK im just rambling. i gawt this idea from me imagining them fight. ya you wouldnt believe this sweet thing came from trio abuse :3#killer psychoanalyzing dust and horror is one of my favorite things eva. horror would HATE IT (if he were aware#and dust would totally be freaked out and keep to himself incase killer's planning anything against him#but uaaaghhh pretend this isnt canon this is triglycercule's ideal little world where they explore the mv and have fun#killer watching dust and horror sleep because he doesnt feel tired while theyre all in bed#and he's just picking up on how theyre positioned. how they breathe. the little things.......... djdjshahahaaahsushdjwbdsn ssosooooo cuuut#tricule hc#killer sans#horror sans#dust sans#murder time trio#utmv#dare i say mtt poly. ok i dare say it. but like lowkey he'd do this whether theyre together or not...... killers just weird like that......
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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#being suicidal without wanting to die is the worst thing in the world. my curious nature keeps me alive cause I need to know what#happens next despite the loop but I really am so tired and ive noticed how it gets more difficult for me to enjoy and do things#im not confined to my bed but i sleep alot more and i never leave my room and im just here now im just here.#i wont let that kill me so theres nothing to worry about but its is stressful to have the thoughts every now and again#annoying at best stressful at worst#im only thinking like this cause its reallyyy lateill be better in the am going to bed now niiiite <3#kae.txt
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Just went to uni and instead of doing anything spent 3h agonising about ending my relationship. I'm sure this is good and normal
#it. idk I just don't really wanna be single rn and deal with all of that#and also I have silvester and first new year weekend plans hinging on this person and I kinda really don't want to find something else to do#but by god#I mean maybe my expectations are just too high as to how much I see my partner (doubtful)#or her lifestyle (has a shitton of things going on) and personality (not super communicative) are just not suited for polyamory#(and I have the same problems but I'm not the person who has two partners)#(and the fact that I can't really get a read whatsoever on her other partner is not helpful. like we vibe on occasion but mostly#I just do not get him at all)#but idk. like. we see each other like twice a week and those are like. during dance and for a pubquiz#and maybe going to the library#and it's just like to my expectations we are barely doing the bare minimum I need to have my emotional needs met#so whenever something falls through I am immediately devastated#but again I feel like 'I would like to see you outside of a social engagement with our friends at least once a week#and additionally also would like to sleep in the same bed as you at least once a week' are not high expectations whatsoever#and yet ....#when did we last have sex? Oh idk in october? maybe? I don't remember#which is that super important to me in a relationship? no. but like I don't think it's bc neither of us is interested#it's bc since then we have not managed to sleep in the same bed while neither of us was either on their period or extremely tired#and idk maybe I should write this to them instead of like. venting on tumblr. like this is also very much on me#but like#idk maybe it just also is a sign that maybe I don't care so much about this relationship. but also I feel like I still care more than her.#which isn't great#idk advice?#it's just. this current situation has me regularly having several hour breakdowns bc shit's not working out once again.#and that situation I really don't like
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noah kahan’s music feels like someone is taking a chisel and breaking open my chest without permission
#why am I crying in bed mourning the girl I was before cancer#i feel like I should have exhausted this mental spiral by now but alas.#I just wanted to go to sleep#I’m so tired#noah kahan#music#my posts
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#just needed to vent for a sec but oh god am i tired of people#'friends' both irl and online got me fucked up lately#mental healths been in the shitter almost nonstop this year#familys always got me up the wall#i just feel like I'm constantly treading water and i am *tired*. like so fucking TIRED#it's never enough; it's too much; no not like that; but not that either; it's all wrong wRoNg WrOnG#ik im sleep deprived and possibly pms-y and that is most certainly not helping things rn but...#gods i see less and less of a reason to get out of bed and bother with anything ever again#wtf is the purpose#i can't keep friends to save my life bc im apparently a fuckin doormat and interesting as unflavored rice or smth#how hard is it to feel like you maybe sorta kinda matter and aren't an unlovable worthless piece of shit#years of therapy; trying meds; everything under the sun.... and nothing. lows and highs and dips of every kind and yet ..nothing#and maybe im just very much in my feelings rn and just yelling into the void.. but it hurts and im tired of pretending it doesn't.#i hate how hard it is to make friends as an adult especially irl. and how gossipy and cliquey and gross and mean ppl can be#of getting called childish and naive and boring for wanting to be a decent person and having interests outside of partying#(not attacking those traits but tired of getting attacked for *not* being 'fun' enough or 'social' enuf or 'sensitive' for having feelings)#enough*#i just want to go eat drywall and stand in the rain and let it help me pretend im not crying blood rn.#like every cell in my body isn't trying to spontaneously combust.#'it gets better' ..yeah? when. when i was 14? when i was 23? when im 37? when im 55? 82? WHEN.. bc im so sick and tired#and no this isn't me writing a final note or whatever it sounds like; i just wanted to word vomit bc ive never been good w sadness#and ive got such an overwhelming amount of it rn i can't even turn it into anger & spite & use that for productivity... i just want to rot#to lie down and be covered by plants as i sleep and just slowly fade into a cloud or smth like it's a ghibli movie or wtv.#im like shaking from how stupidly emotional i feel rn. the lack of empathy these days is fuckin astounding#common sense & empathy are lacking in absolutely droves these days. some days i hate the internet & tech for its irreparable damages sm#but here we are and here it shall remain. long after us; and *long* after us ..... *sigh*#anyway ima go try to take a nap or smth. I'll see ya when i see ya. take care my lovelies#if u read all this i prob owe you a cookie lol
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tag vent
#i have to move back to my hometown due to a mistake. a misunderstanding. and being too trusting in others ideas#and my boyfriend is moving an hour away as well. neither of us have been able to get a car or license yet due to money and i dont know when#we can see eachother again after we both move. since we started dating weve been sleeping in the same bed because we were/are roommates#just being gone for the weekend in my hometown is hard because i cant stand to be here but its worse because hes not in my bed every night#ive grown so used to falling alseep in his arms that i dont know what to do at night. i dont feel safe without his arms holding me#ive never felt safe where ive lived before. ive never felt safe in a relationship. ive never felt loved for who i am. that was until him.#now i feel safe in our home. i feel safe in our relationship. i feel loved for who i am. and now we have to be so far apart.#ive done long distance before but this is going to hurt so much my cat loves him she is super cautious and scared around new people but#she loved him since the start. not to mention shes my esa so that really mattered to me. he wants to move with me but it isnt happening#he got definite housing an hour away for super cheap in a town where he knows everyone and i have possible in a town where im surrounded by#people i know but am terrified of. im scared to move back here but have no choice. unless i make that terrifying choice of going with him.#the apartment he is getting is a two bedroom. id only have a studio. hes offered for me to come but im scared to move that far away again#i want to be with him but im scared to move to a whole new town with him. i know hes an amazing guy but we'd be moving away from my friends#and family. i already have to move away from all my friends if i go back to my hometown but this would be a different story.#moving to a whole new town with a guy that i only started dating 2 months ago? like yes. i lived with him previously and knew him for longer#than we dated but im still scared. i think rightfully so. but still.#but there are some pros to moving with him. hometown has no music scene and his town does and thats really important to me.#we'd also be close to his family. but farther from mine. hed be around friends and id have none no matter where i go.#idk im just rambling but i really needed to vent. i lost my best friend recently to the point of them siding with strangers almost and they#helped them break and enter into the house to intimidate me and bf and then a few days later came with cops after saying repeatedly that#they were an anarchist and acab but only when they dont use them apparently. because i guess morals/values only matter when its convenient#im so tired though but i cant sleep so i might write some cringe poetry and try to chill out before going on a late night/early morning walk#tag vent#vent in tags
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collapses to the ground like a deflated balloon
#my god#stage one is finally complete . . . . . . . .#if you can recall that poll i reblogged about passing out#that important contact i received was mr. seto of the vocaloid team#who messaged me asking about a collaboration and quite literally nearly caused me to pass out#i read the message preview on my phone#stood up#saw stars#and collapsed onto my bed and had to lay down for like. 10 minutes before my body would stop feeling distant and weak w#i similarly felt ready to pass out today when i sent a message to ask when the announcement tweet would be#and they tweeted it. immediately after w#no joke rice and i were scrambling behind the scenes to get our act together and figure out what we wanted to say KHGJGSJKFHGKJ#all the while screaming because yamaha said they'd be posting it on valentine's day and we thought they meant our timezone w#because the whole point of this collab was to get the zolas more well known in the english-speaking sphere w#EITHER WAY#i am. so so tired and now i need to pass out so i can get enough sleep before more internship tomorrow w#which is heating up because my seminar professor wants a detailed plan of my final project goals This Friday#but my mentor won't know anything about where to fit that in until Thursday at the earliest#and my supervisor just hounded me over email to coordinate with the two other people at my station and choose an activity to lead#but that requires. planning. that our mentors won't have until thursday........#perishing . . . . . .
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experiencing a weird thing where im trying to go to sleep earlier (because im tired and sleepy) but i take so long to fall asleep its the exact same thing as just going to bed late...feel so hopeless and i always end up tired either way... im very big on "i can always try again tomorrow" mentality in any way it can be interpreted (interactions with others, mood, the amount of work i do etc) but its so hard to Try Again when you're always too tired to do anything...
#i rarely take naps...i tried to do so today and after the hour i gave myself to nap i still hadnt fully fallen asleep#im so sleepy and tired ....#even if i manage to get my personal required 9 hrs of sleep im tired....#i dont get it...im so sleepy rn + am going to bed but i wont fall asleep until much later...#god. i also hate this bc you'd think being an unemployed homebody who cant leave his house wld mean Constant#Naps and Sleeping. i avg like 6 hrs a night i cant imagine how worse off ill be with a job#i just want to sleep...!#and feel well rested...#talkys#sorry im just very frustrated...i try to do things to better my life and health and it ends up Not Working#like whats even the point. can barely keep my eyes open but i wont fall asleep until 5 am. why not just#go to bed at 5 am then. ugh.
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posting here again but i left to go take some ibuprofen and when i came back this mf was just sprawled out over the entire bed with BOTH of the squishmallows
#was laying on the floor waiting to see if theyd move over#now im just like#slowly trying to inch into bed without waking them up so. wish me luck ig#i am quite literally on the Edge of the bed rn with my legs on the floor to keep me from falling off#i am so tired and i just wanna hold them so bad and conk out but i do Not want to disturb their sleep to do that
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hour 4 1/2 at a truck stop i have not slept an inkling im covered in sand i am confined to a 1.5 foot space it is so humid so loud so bright Thank god for my house md fic backlog or id be toast in boredom
#Im fine btw im just playing my misery up for the bit#yes i am very tired but im not like. killing myself#Ive been up for almost 24 hours but idc. cause im built different#Do i want to be in a bed? Yes. However the time spent looking for somewhere to sleep probably wouldve taken us to 3am at the latest#why do that when you have a CARR!!!!!!!!#waiting until 6am like im at freddy fazbears but instead of anomatronics its various 18 wheelers driving by with their high beams shining#directly into my eyeballs#Checking cams (looking out the window). Opening the doors (leaving the windows cracked so we dont overheat). Killing myself (Killing myself)#LASTPSRT IS A JOKE#Do not be worried for me i am ok i love complaining
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so sad for absolutely no reason
#👆 girl who stayed up till 3 am talking to her bestfriend about how depressed and trapped we both are for about 4 hrs#it's like that gracie lyric#you have to laugh before you start to cry😭😭#like ab toh funny bhi nahi lag raha jokes bhi nahi banaye ja rahe#oh but i love her so much i absolutely LOVE people with whom i can just be sad#im tired of people who constantly try to make the sadness go away or try to cheer me up#like sometimes you just gotta sit with your feelings na#at one point she was ranting and i said mere paas kuch kehne ke liye bhi nahi hai kyunki it literally feels like im listening#to my own thoughts on my own lying in bed at 2 am like hum itna same kaise sochte hai😭#and she laughed and was like but ye sahi hai na aise sochna like it feels wrong but it's the truth and im like i don't even#know but oh it's so good to not pretend to be okay#we're so similarly hopeless and tired cause like one point mein inevitably we talked about#the future living together our apartment and then i was like mujhe bhi ye chahiye but mujhe itni umeed uth chuki hai life se#ki koi excitement bhi nahi aa rahi like i already know ye sab kuch nahi hone wala and she's like haina same like i want to say#ki we'll do this and that but im like lol not gonna happen ab i can't look forward to things in the future im like if im living it then ok#then i can accept ki oh ok this is really happening im happy now wow but usse pehle nope#and we were talking about ki like yaar future toh ab dikhta hi nahi hai kya hoga it all feels so blurry and like a dark tunnel#atleast bachpan se we knew what was next school college but now it's like now what?#i know all these thoughts and feelings are pretty common and probably everyone's facing this but bhai.#it's fucking hard i didn't know life was gonna be like a constant battle where it kicks you down#again and again and again and you're bloody and no energy can't get up but you still have to because if you don't you'll sink#soooo deep in that state ki bahar nikal hi nahi paoge#OKAY 8 hrs sleep mandatory for me what the fuck why am i writing a ventpost at freaking 11 am girl go have lunch or something 😭
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Gotta get through the "launching a company" type of April 1st jokes to one day get to do the "boop your mutuals" type of April 1st jokes
#i am so#supremely tired#i dont want to sleep cause i want to actually live my life (ie:do my blorbothirsting)#but once i ge tthat bed im fucking#destroying it#god its so good to have this out
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oh tonights going to be fucking miserable
#no matter what i do i cant get comfortable theres always something digging into me or not sitting right#its too quiet so i put my fan on but the /droning/ was genuinely doing my head in i thought i was going to snap so i had to turn it off#so now its STILL too quiet#im itchy and in pain and my nose is blocked#and i am. so fucking tired. i havent had a proper solid nights sleep in like 4 days#how was i more comfortable on my sisters couch last night than i am right now in my own bed#i just want to sleep 😭😭 pls dont me and sleep have enough issues cmere bbygirl i miss you-#captain speaks
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