#go to bed at 5 am then. ugh.
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experiencing a weird thing where im trying to go to sleep earlier (because im tired and sleepy) but i take so long to fall asleep its the exact same thing as just going to bed late...feel so hopeless and i always end up tired either way... im very big on "i can always try again tomorrow" mentality in any way it can be interpreted (interactions with others, mood, the amount of work i do etc) but its so hard to Try Again when you're always too tired to do anything...
#i rarely take naps...i tried to do so today and after the hour i gave myself to nap i still hadnt fully fallen asleep#im so sleepy and tired ....#even if i manage to get my personal required 9 hrs of sleep im tired....#i dont get it...im so sleepy rn + am going to bed but i wont fall asleep until much later...#god. i also hate this bc you'd think being an unemployed homebody who cant leave his house wld mean Constant#Naps and Sleeping. i avg like 6 hrs a night i cant imagine how worse off ill be with a job#i just want to sleep...!#and feel well rested...#talkys#sorry im just very frustrated...i try to do things to better my life and health and it ends up Not Working#like whats even the point. can barely keep my eyes open but i wont fall asleep until 5 am. why not just#go to bed at 5 am then. ugh.
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“Amore et Timore” - King Fernando I “El Animoso”
#*why is it that when I write tags that are genuinely imporant and wordy it always doesnt save UGH#well. ill try and rewrite them.#hahaha I bring you curly haired king Fernando!!(mostly for cofi)#2011 monza gp core Fernando that gripped us all by the throat right?? right????#also i hope that his hair doesn't appear red to you like it did to me on my pc??? its brown I assure you#anyways! historical context for nerds like me:#'el animoso'(the spirited) comes from Philip V of course#it was apparently bestowed on him bcs of his perseverance and unwavering fervor in battle#and is that not the most Fernando coded thing youve ever heard?????#'Amore et Timore'(through love and fear) however comes from Joseph I#whom seb is partially based on but i thought his Latin motto fit Nando way better so here we are#philip v didn't have a motto as far as i could tell so that's why I stole Joseph's#but i do think the motto for the Spanish kingdom fits Fernando's career pretty well?#'A solis ortu usque ad occasum'(from sunrise to sunset) and i think that suits Fernando's 'longest f1 career ever' p well#anyways I sent a sketch of this to cofi the other day like yeah I probably wont finish this#and now here i am on 5 am on a tuesday grinning manically sleep deprived like HERE YOU GO#i think he looks very cute in this!!! i really did a lot of work on his eyelashes...very important detail to me#he kinda accidentally looks like Louis XIV unfortunately#but thats down to his hair I think. it looks a lot more like the traditional wig style from then compared to what I typically draw#but god imagine being seb in this au!!! you get to wake up next to this majestic beast....#seb would have this painting framed over his bed or something. i mean who wouldn't????#f1#formula 1#fernando alonso#f1 fanart#formula 1 fanart#catie.art.#boy king au
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#man ive never seen an eating disorder kill someone else besides a parent infecting a child but my nana is really trying#shes like 1000% orthotexic. will not eat anything not filled with vegetables or fat. and my grandpa is 87yo with a heart condition currentl#in the hospital for covid bc thry went to Christmas church and dont believe in being vaccinated and my dad is so frustrated#bc he knows his mom is not gonna give his dad hearty foods. he needs to eat like protein shakes and meat and ice cream. anything thats not#her cooking which sucks on top of being extremely healthy. except its not healthy bc they dont eat a balanced diet#so its my nanas eating disorder killing her husband and shes so fucking frustrating. im like 99% sure she has obsessive compulsive#personally disorder bc she fits to a T and has zero insight. she may have full on 0cd bc talking to my dad he has more obvious 0cd#compulsions than i do. he used to say phrases before going to bed and would take 2 steps across the floor to prevent bad things from#happening. so like im pretty sure my nana is where i get my perfectionism and 0cd. god. i wish i could express how fucked up she is#like my dad said at least he had a stable home to grow up in but like she has zero sympathy for other people. cannot look past herself. wil#not wear a mask bc she doesnt care enough abt other ppl. my dad was like: u would not have survived in that house. which is fair bc i am#barely keeping it together coming from a stable home with two sympathetic parents who i know love me#and like its sad that they're suffering the effects of buying into the fox news bullshit and its killing them#but also. genuinely. i think theyre not very good ppl. theyre the type of people who think they're better bc they're religious. white. and#thin. and theyre not better thsn anyone. their grandchildren cant stand them. well cant stand her at least. papa is just quite so its hard#to say what hes thinking. apparently he was confused last night and saying something about eating dinner on the golf course. which sounds#nicer thsn being in the hospital lol. ugh. he seems not long for this world tbh. may he pass peacefully to b with his 1st wife who died of#brain cancer at age like 20 or something. so it goes. bleh. how many funerals are intended for me in the next 5 years? hopefully none but#that seems improbable with the unspoken drain circling that seems to b going on in this family. old age and like almost 10 years of cancer#defying the stats but for how much longer?#i dunno. its just so weird to watch these things happen and not talk about it directly to the other ppl who see it#i worry that ill come off as too callose or inappropriate bc i have that tendency when something bad is happening but thats everyone else#excuse? idk i just feel like its better to talk abt things#unrelated#ed mention#i tell u this so i can say these things to someone and also bc if i were u. i would like to hear the drama#bc im nosey and i assume other r too ;-]
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Becoming desperate to Go Back to a place that doesn't exist anymore in a time that is long, long gone. My cue to go to bed.
#anntics#I've been nostalgic over the weirdest things. saw a picture of a woman wearing one of those 2009 style cami tops with the lace#never wore one but it reminded me of when other people did and what my life was like then (OBJECTIVELY OBJECTIVELY BAD) !#and for some reason I am in agony over it. the camisole#not even the camisole itslef but specifically the lace at the low neckline where you don't really get cleavage but there's like. the shadow.#do you know what I'm talking about? the shadow? the specific way it lies against the skin? the ghost of cleavage.#ugh. whatever. and it was Vanessa Hudgens. in the movie Beastly. I wasn't watching it I just saw a still from it.#at fucking 9:30 am which is 5 minutes short of being a full 14 hours ago.#also maybe thinking about my dead father but that really had very little to do with it trust me.#this isn't going to bed. I'm going to bed. whatever.#lol itslef
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flings this all to u
#ghost's wips#idk. my head hurts#turns out listening to bewitched and being ina good mood can quickly go to shit in like 5 minuntes when u realize#ugh. i wont say anything to save ppl from me ranting but. sigh#whatever i might not finish this its not coming out good (granetd its 12 am me talking tho)#im gonna. go to bed. whatever
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this is me btw. If you even care
#trying and gailing to go to sleep its 5:30 am and i am meeting friends for lunch i need to sleep ugh#failing*#i have like 5 pillows on my bed but 4 are so flat they dont hold their shape anymore and you can feel stuff through it#anyway goodnight eveerhyone hjjhzhkzgzjzjzzzz
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I officially finished my 4th iwatex game, and am somehow already halfway through my 5th
I have 96 hours logged. I started playing this game only 10 days ago.
Heck.
#speculation nation#averaging 9-10 hours a day like. ok yea that sounds about right. but Ugh#the good news is ive got my doctor's appointment in 2 days which will hopefully give me adhd meds#which should hopefully help with my executive dysfunction and hyperfocus issues. Smiles.#i really do love this game and im enjoying it immensely. i just also have Shit To Do.#gonna do things tomorrow. i am. im even going to bed at 1 am today and not 4 am! wow!#or 5 or 6 am. which i have been guilty of several times while in the throes of this game.#just. chewing on it. gnawing on it. it is so immensely compelling to me. genuinely.#the exploration and wonder of nature. the growing up and becoming more troubled#the slowburn childhood friends to lovers trope. also Sym. just. Sym. my goth alien boyfriend u are my favorite fr#AND the refreshing takes on gender and sexuality. it's so freeing.#ive seen this game compared to persona games too. which no wonder i like it so much (says the decade long persona fan)#idk it just feels like a game Made For Me.#it has some flaws and some things i wish i could do within it. but even still. it is so so good#im almost doubtlessly going to be writing something for it. the only reason i havent started already is bc im so short on time#for doing my reverse bang fic lol. im trying to wean myself off the game so i can focus back on writing that.#but Afterwards... oh yes. i will write that dys/sol/sym fic that ive been dying to write. mark my words.
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okay today was like the first time since surgery that i've been able to exist as a human outside my house!! and i had a great time even though i am PAYING FOR IT. HEAVILY 💀
#god my ribs are KILLING ME SLOWLY#anyway i had a good day 🥺🥺🥺 last night my partner and i woke up at the same time#bc we both had to pee. and i totally forgot but when we laid back down i told her ''i'm hungy..''#bc it was like 3 am and i didnt wanna get up. so i just wanted to complain lol#but she woke me up to a big breakfast she ordered in like ''hey it made me sad that you were hungry jn the night-#so i got you and i a big breakfast 🥺👉👈💖'' and UGH it made my heart so happy#and then we chilled out before i decided i could handle leaving home and wanted to go to the mall#and i had a really good time existing in public!!! im getting a little depressed from being bed bound#i FINALLY got after laughter on vinyl after wanting it for like almost 5 years 😭😭😭#and some cute stickers!!! anyway yeah i had a nice day w my baby and it made me happy 🥹💖#as much as im hurting badly rn it was worth it for the lil date 💖💖💖 pain meds should help soon anyway#im just glad to have finally gotten out of the house#chatter#round 2#also let me just say my previous thoracotomy did NOT prepare me for this one.#turns out the open version is VERY DIFFERENT. which i knew but god its so stark when youre living it#p sure by 2 weeks post op last time i was relatively fine!!!! almost back to normal#oh and uh#autumn
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#im in so much fuckin pain i cant move ugh#like. typing this is excruciating#but i cant just stare at the wall or im gonna lose it eventually ugh#my pain is getring progressively worse these days and the last 2 months have been hell#doctors r worried this might be my new normal for the time being#which. uh#SUCKS#bc i cannot stand or walk for more than 5 mins#and i need a walker w me bc my cane isnt enough#and most days i am trapped in bed (or on the couch if i can make it there) unable to take care of myself#bc everything hurts and i feel like i'm being tortured#oh and my lordosis & the related pain is now at a level that might need serious medical intervention#my migraines r out of control#my joint problems r also way worse#and u kno what ? i would like to die now#thanks#truly and genuinely#im so done#i cant keep going this way#my doctor has no idea what to do#and the pain clinic im a patient of refuses to help further unless i sign up for their ridiculous pain education program#which is 8 weeks long with mandatory in-person weekly attendance (i do not live near it & cant afford transportation)#where they tell u all the ways ur pain is ur own fault and give u unrealistic and ridiculous advice abt exercise and lifestyle changes#that u Cannot do bc of said disabilites and pain#jfc#our healthcare system is broken and nobody cares if i live or die or suffer#AND im stuck dealing w my mother complaining abt my existence nonstop bc she resents me for the things i cannot do independently#so u kno what ya i am done. im so done. i give up#catch me rotting in this bed forever until i die. thats the only option being given to me
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I deeply love the freshman but she just called twice to ask if could jump her car at a location 30 minute drive away, I am pajama’d and blind in bed . No I cannot dedicate over an hour of time when it’s already my bedtime because surprise, I wake up at fuckin 4:25 am 🙃
NO FUCKING WAY was I awake typing this godforsaken post and my other friend called me for 30 MINUTES!!!!! You fuckheads I work on a farm do not contact me after 7:30!!!! Arggghhhhhh okay goodnight and anyone else who calls me is NOT getting an answer I am asleep GOODNIGHT !!!!
#and last night I got like 5 hours of sleep and I didn’t take a nap today. I shouldn’t be fucking driving anyway because I’m SLEEPY sleepy#I was like give me 30-40 minutes and she was like uhhh I will call some other people… yeah do that .#like if I do go for a drive this weekend I’ll still invite her but I’m getting a little sick of her antics#diary post#ugh. anyway if you find this E I do deeply love you fr but I told you I wasn’t going to be a good friend this summer#and I didn’t mean like teehee I can only hang out on Saturdays#I meant the likelihood I text back or see you in person more than twice a month is VERY low#and yeah this is on me for picking a stupid fucking job but like. I need to be sick of farming before I head to a city for 5+ years#I am exhausted down to my core. I relapsed in my bad habit on Saturday. I am barely functioning.#I don’t think I’ve eaten anything that’s not fruit or dairy products in the past 3 days. I am desperately waiting for an incident at work.#begging to the universe to let me get kicked in the head or something so I can have a few fucking days off PLEASE#anyway goodnight. now im all wound up and I’ll get another 5 hours of sleep#also ironic the second friend who called me was gossiping abt this guy at work that should just shut up sometimes#and im sitting there on the other side of the phone YAWNING after picking up and answering I am already in bed#and my friend is still rambling on about stupid inane work bullshit that I do not care about.#okay goodnight for real. I hate everything
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why am I alive. right now. tbh.
#oughhhhhhhhh kms.#we’re going to the aquarium to day v fun ^_^#I feel horrible. But it’s ok 👍 it’s all ok.#we are going to have so much fun and not think about my 100 midterms in a 5 day period#and then come back. And study.#I am really feeling the u of tears. Actually.#at least I have friends …?#(I think if I didn’t have a friend. I wouldn’t be as stressed and pressed 4 time)#(but I like having friendssss my friends are coooool …#and prettyyyyy….. and funnyy.. and awesome… so far. I have only known these ppl 4 a month.)#(though we do be saying goodnight every night right before bed. We do live together essentially.)#(so closer than one would think after a month but still a month. . but they’re cooool!!)#Incredible though that I got meself the neurodivergent friend group immediately. And then got clocked as autistic.#^_^ that’s cool. i kind of wish my friends weren’t as pretty (cough just the one model guy cough i feel like I can’t look at him sometimes)#is ok though. Ok goodbye every pony I will. Get up and at em now. ugh.
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I feel uninspired and lack motivation for art again so I thought of an ask game for me :)
Send me(or comment) a number from 1-34 and I will draw my corresponding oc
I mentally struggled over whether I should make this post, because ik ocs are niche and probably not many people care for it, but I realized I could have been using those hours to y'know. Actually draw something. So I might as well just post it
#i would do it with AUs but i would actually have to yknow think of a narrative#<- but tbh if you have any requests for au art i will take them 😭😭#also w that and this i cant make any promises if ill actually finish them so please put up w me thanks 🙏#i want to draw but#ive gotten into a bad mindset again#about measuring self worth w outside validation#which is very irritating 😾 stop it brain.#but yeah idk i reblog those posts often abt niche audiences#which im very okay w btw :)#but its still a very difficult thing to engrain that: ah people do care for my art!#and ik its unhealthy to seek validation#and i can and do draw for myself#but its not always fun to me if i cant discuss it yknow :/#if catie makes a piece of art in a silent room does the art really exist? blah blah blah#i need to go suffocate myself in the snow#im happy my winter break is so long but at the same time i think it just puts me in a bad place mentally#lack of social interaction and lack of enrichment and no motivation ig :/#and every night i mean to actually go to bed earlier and boom suddenly its 5 am#and i keep staying up in hopes ill actually yknow start something. art. writing. movie even#and then i just languish UGH#catie.rambling.txt
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I have to be up for work in 3 hours and I'm gonna be real I think ive hit the point where I might not be getting any sleep at all. for fucks sake.
#ive survived all nighters before ill scrape through the day itll just be Rough. at least i dont have much in my schedule#im not gonna take the dose this morning bc i think thats a really bad idea to do on zero hours sleep#and i can't risk two consecutive all nighters. like I have done that before but not while working full time 💀 its not worth it#drafting an email to my doctor to let her know im skipping day 2 + ask advice re. whether its worth resuming again on day 3#bc she did list 'trouble sleeping' as a common symptom that often passes but i need to know a) how long it usually takes to pass and-#b) if this is unusually bad + would she rec supplementing with a sleep aid or just switching tack entirely and trialling a non stimulant#by this stage of the night i dont think its actually acting anymore bc i took it at 7am and its now 3am. it shouldnt last that long#i think its more just triggered my preexisting insomnia. my ability to sleep is very very sensitive sometimes + hates routine changes#just so fucking frustrating bc ive spent the past 2 months nailing my sleep routine + ive had a couple weeks of being able to-#go to bed like 9:30-10 and it only takes an hour to get to sleep and i get usually a good 7 hours sometimes 8 only waking once halfway#and i dont feel like utter shit like yeah im tired but from work not so much lack of sleep.... and now thats all fucked lmao#whatever. maybe i should just take the next dose anyway#ill see. gonna try to sleep for another 2 hours but once it hits 5 im not doing this anymore ive been trying for six hours already man#i cant even remember when i last pulled a full all nighter. it might be longer than 6 months ago... i was doing so well :-(#im so mad i was so hopeful it would have SOME good effect like ik its not a miracle worker + these things take time but so many people-#seem to have an immediate positive response even if its probably a placebo. and i got fuck all except This.#i was searching on the reddit for sleep issues and other ppl only seem to report bad ones on higher doses or years in..#like damn. do i even have adhd then. ik thats a stupid thing to think bc obvs everyones body metabolises meds differently etc but still#it is ALMOST HALF 3 and i am FUCKING TIRED#UGH. alright bedtime round 189447383#.diaries#.vent
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keiichi drives me crazy because ive enevwr met a character that struggled with the same thing i did growing up in school. its smething i still feel heavily defines me
#anywya its 5 am i need to go to bed. ugh. keiichi#working and living only for praise. having the stress of trying to uphold that praise turn to violence and aggression#god
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I'm gonna be so open and honest with you guys right now i fucking rly dont want to go to work tomorrow .
#im violently nauseous rn and ik its judt bc ive been in a straining position and also i ate like 20 slimjins but like km only gonna get 5#hours of sleep maximum im gonna have a headache im so tired of everything i wanna have a day off but i cant. Its only tuesday and im#already liek Please can we be done please no more this week all done all done#im so fucking sick of working i dont want to have to work for the next 40 years Minimum. i hate everythingbon earth#i dont understand how ppl work fulltime and have a life i only get 2 live At all on weekends#and even then its only 1 day saturday bc sunday is my Doing all my chores and stuff day#so i do all my laundry i tidy up the room Et cetera. i dont udnerstand how people can just do this forever#it genuinely feels like. bc i leave 4 work at 6am. i get home around 5pm. im supposed to go to bed. well technically i should go 2 bed at#9 to get a full 9 hours but look man . that would give me 4 hours a day to be a person#so my bedtime is officially 10 but usually i go to bed at 12 which means i dont get enough sleep which means as soon as i getnoff work the#next day im even less willing to do anything#+ doing anything fun fucking costs money if not the thing itself the travel expenses. and if i spend money i just have to work to make that#money back i fucking hate it. and im doing this for what. so that in 40 years i can retire and then 10 years after that oh no unforeseen#expenses or something suddenly my retirement isnt cutting it i have to go work at fucking walmart or something as a 70 year old judt to#make ends meet. god. And when the fuck am i supposed to have kids i want kids very badly one day but how the fuck am i supposed to have#kids if id only be able to spend Maximum 6 hours a day with them. thats if my work is like Doectly next door.#how. how. how. less than 6 hours even bc theyd go to bed before i did so rly like 3 hours a day with my theoretical kids Im an awful#theoretical parent and maybe my theoretical spouse works less hours so they can be home with the kids but they resent me for always being#at fucking work 9 hours a fucking day and they resent me for not being there for our theoretical kids Im sorry theoretical partner i want#to fucking be there but SOMEBODY has to put money into our theoretical savings account. UGH!!!#i hate work i hate it i hate it#i dont even hate my job i just hate that its my entire fucking life#i hate that i essentially get half a day every week thats truly mine that i get to do whatever i want. and in my current situation i barely#even fucking get that idk.
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I. can't. sleep.
#and for real this time. not just ''I didn't go to bed''. I did. I tried.#it's 5:30 in the morning#I've been rolling around since at least 3#honestly at this point I'm thinking of just... staying awake#going to bed at 8 am would just feel humiliating#I can't believe I ever thought rain sounds were relaxing#after working with such a long commute rain just pisses me off#even though I'm now in the safety of my home#so maybe that's the reason I can't sleep. rain noise.#I should probably close this goddamn window and accept that I can't ever go back to being a rain person#ugh. hate it here.#rambles*
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