#i am so sad i hope i didnt LOSE it lose it somehow that thing is both important and expensive

[karnalesbian]

screaming crying throwing up I think I might have lost one of my rings

[asksidon]

potential TW : mention of death.

prompt 'the loss of a friend'

i went to a veiwing today. i didnt last long, my anxiety made me feel obligated to leave a bit early so i wouldnt cause a scene. he was a great man, taken way to soon. my only regret is not speaking to him more.

tia <3

Sidon returned to the grave marked with a circle of luminous stone every week to place flowers or just to pray. He'd buried the old man a couple of years ago and placed the stones himself after coming upon him one day, having intended to visit with him after having a strange feeling. The man had looked like he was sleeping in the grass with his eyes open, but Sidon realized quickly he did not have a pulse.

There had been no signs of any wounding, an attack or any violence; it just seemed that the man had gone to sleep, or laid back to look at the clouds in a daydream, and never woken. Sidon had closed the eyes and knelt by the body, mustering the strength he knew it would take to say goodbye to his friend. A friend whose name, ironically, he had never known, despite their many talks through the years. The strange feeling must have been only that, of the loss of their connection, feeling him go.

Sidon sat by the grave and considered the first time they had met. As he had (poorly) navigated the forest during an attempt to run away from home, he'd encountered the old man and his camp. The old man had been roasting apples over his fire, the smell of which had caused Sidon to go his direction as his stomach rumbled in hunger...

"No one ever lets me do anything important," Sidon complained as he chewed an apple. "I never get to kill Lynels or guard anyone. How am I supposed to be a good prince if I can't even kill anything?"

The old man had laughed at that, not unkindly. "Everything in its course, little one," he said. "You do look quite young."

Sidon puffed up his chest. "I'm not that much younger than my sister, and I know I could take on the Lynel if only they would stop interrupting me by trying to rescue me. They always do that when I'm fighting just fine on my own."

"Hmm. That very well may be so, but I am sure they mean well." The man grew reflective as he stared into the fire. "My son perished in battle many years ago."

Sidon's eyes widened. "He did? Who killed him?"

The stranger shook his head. "I don't know. I suppose I never will. I wasn't there, but I often wonder if I might have been able to save him if I had been there."

"Oh." Sidon forgot about his food for a moment as he considered that. It seemed to make the old man very sad. "Well, maybe you wouldn't have been able to save him. The enemy might have been too strong, and your son wouldn't have wanted you to get hurt trying to help him."

"Even so, I would have gladly traded my life for his. In a heartbeat." The old man sighed and shook his head, seeming to break his own trance. "I don't say any of this to make you feel sorry for me. Only that your loved ones probably cannot bear the thought of losing you, of being unable to protect you. When did you leave your home?"

"Only a few hours ago," Sidon confessed. The sight of the man's campfire had made him realize he did not know how to cook or even start fires. He'd always had an attendant to do those things for him. What use is a prince that cannot even start a fire? Yet another thing to add to his list of things he couldn't do.

"I'll bet they are worried sick about you. I know I would be, if I were your father."

The turn of their conversation had led Sidon to the conclusion that he needed to turn back for home, much to the relief of Dorephan, Mipha, and their people. Sidon had never told anyone about the old man or the kindness he had shown in walking with Sidon to the outer gates of the Zora Domain, but he wished he had. He wished he had at least told Mipha about him. Somehow, he knew his old friend wouldn't mind. He never wanted glory and had never even given Sidon his name.

I hope you are with your son now, my friend, Sidon prayed.

He supposed it could have just been a story that the old man had made up to give him an excuse to turn back without feeling like a coward. Even so, things could have turned out very differently if he had not done something to make Sidon hear wisdom that day.

I wish I had asked you more questions. The only time Sidon had ever seen him leave his spot in the woods was for the walk to the Zora Domain. I always talked about me, mostly. And he was always happy to listen, Sidon thought with a sigh. Even now, he manages to talk me out of my inflated sense of importance . . .

In a way, Sidon thought, he'd not lost his friend. The place where his camp used to be had become sacred. It had soaked in the gentle presence of his friend through the years and was now a place Sidon could return to whenever he felt the need. A sweet, gentle wind blew through the trees as Sidon leaned his head back and closed his eyes, listening.

[algolstare]

i am correct on an ideological level and fully entirely confident in this. and so i am not too worried about our future, more just sad because woag. they didnt lie about shit life disorder it truly does come with all the rest of the stuff that comes from having a shit life, on top of the alters deal...

but i know there is more than just possibility for better, better than just being comfortable, better than just not being hurt, and i know equally well that it is on me to prove it rather than just expecting everyone inside to just take my word for it.

i know that as an alter my relationship to the system is to carry things the others can't afford to indulge in or believe in or hope for - and i know that i have been sheltered from all the things that made the others the way they are, in such stark contrast to myself. i can see that it's meant to be "too good to be true", how much of myself is just lifted wholesale from "fairytale princess" - fairytale being as important as the princess part, unrealistic and impossible, the opposite of what is

but i think that that has immense value, and because i exist at all i hold some truth too vital to lose from our life and being as a whole.

reality does not work out how it does in stories, and the world is not fair, and so often evil unthinkable injustices happen without any consequences or "balancing" of some cosmic scales. but it is not all there is!!!! the extremes of evil exist, but so does the opposite end of those extremes, it is just harder to find because it has to be constantly remade anew and fought for and you have to be looking for it in the first place

it is so far off track from the idea that "romance is not somehow the gateway to all the horrors and i know for certain i am not somehow inviting or wishing for evil or trying to ruin our life or create unsafe situations or lose the safety and warmth and joy of having what good people are in our life by.... (checks smudged writing on hand) feeling a feeling" but that is only a single branch off a big tree. of my ideological correctness

[meiishu]

thoughts on hsmtmts season 3  finale under the cut

ok going into it i was very skeptical because they have so much to cover in one episode. like whats going to get ignored??

first off i wish kourtney got more screen time this season over the love triangle dramatics. her struggles with anxiety being more central, especially since she plays ELSA, would have been so much better for the plot. instead we get... more love triangle drama

also... portwell nation how we feeling... LMAO.... yeah im crying with you rn

look i like gina and ricky and i thought that their kiss was really sweet at the end of the episode (although i wish ricky had been the one to give gina s dramatic speech after his confession was on the trailer). actually focusing on them rn, WHY WASNT THE CONFESSION IN THE TRAILER? the trailer framed it like gina was the one pursing ricky. when in actuality, it should have been RICKYs feelings being revealed, and then HE should have had to explain himself to GINA, and then GINA got to decide where to go with their relationship. not the other way around. bad writing choice, IG. 

as much as i am upset for portwell.... gotta say the me who loved gina/ricky in season 2 is very happy. i hope they stay together into the next season instead of bringing MORE love triangle back. they could have a really cute relationship, plus the actors have really good chemistry together, so i’m excited to see where they go even if i am sad for EJ

i was worried that ricky was going to go right back to pining for nini lmao. im glad hes not. but the thing about all of that that bothers me is that, the way the show is written, i definitely think they always wanted rini to be endgame. but with olivia leaving, they re-wrote it so that rather that nini, ricky’s with gina. idk. they built up portwell so well last season, only to tear them apart so easily this season. guarantee if olivia had stuck around, rini would still be a thing. (maybe thats a big part of why she wanted to leave... no more romance scenes with joshua lmfao). 

i do like the idea of gina and ricky together. i think they suit each other. i just hope that they don’t get done dirty the way portwell was done this season in season 4, because that’s how i was feeling about portwell at the end of last season. 

BIG RED BI REVEAL!!! also can we talk about big red not even being in the show but getting his “hi im ashlyns boyfriend and im bi!!!!” moment because what a KING!!!! 

also honestly??? when big red first appeared did anyone else notice jet’s little friend-jealousy he had over ricky??? it was precious LMAO. i love big red and ashlyn so much but if the ships were to somehow shift next season, and like, ashlyn and maddox wound up happening... just hear me out guys... jet and big red. i have a vision, OK??? although it seems maybe kourtney/jet might happen next season and... ok??? no objections ig but i have no real opinion on it rn since they’ve barely interacted. 

buuuuut I LOVE the idea of maddox and ashlyn so much!!! i feel like even though i didnt get jet/ricky maddox/ashlyn potential is making up for it. im so glad that it seems like maddox’s crush will come into play next season. like, i feel like the documentary is going to really hone in on it, and ashlyn will be in major denial of it, but maddox is going to be going THROUGH it because the documentary is going to make her realize how down bad she was. 

elton john... ELTON JOHN.... MY HEART IS BREAKING FOR HIM TBH. the writers did him SO dirty. not only did he feel betrayed by some of his closest friends, he’s never heard his father say he’s proud of him. all this effort he goes through to impress his father and stay in salt lake, only for it to blow up in his face, for him to not genuinely trust any of his friends to be there for him during that call, and for him to lose his girlfriend because of being so stressed about performing good for the show??? only for his father to NOT SHOW UP to the show AND HANG UP ON HIM DURING INTERMISSION WHEN HE CONFRONTED HIM??? 

fuck you cash caswell, i’m ej’s father now. i hope miss jenn punches cash caswell in the face next season.

val being the only person to support ej with that phone call broke my heart. like he didnt trust anyone else to be there for him in his time of need.

MISS JENN MISS JENN MISS JENN!!!! 

God, her appearance again this episode was a breath of fresh air. it really reminded me how much i miss this show having supportive adults who care about the students. like, i love them all, but i love seeing how with just showing up miss jenn gives them support. miss jenn was the FIRST PERSON to pull out her phone to support kourtney when that asshole cut the power. she immediately saw little anna struggling and gave her advice. she assured nini that if she chose to stay, she’d be valued at east high, but also assured her that if she wanted to go out west she’d have her support, too. i LOVE miss jenn and what she does for the kids in this series and i really, really miss her (and mr. mazzara!!!!) supporting them instead of having adults like channing who tear them down and corbin who literally mixed up their names and didn’t give a shit about them personally all summer.

also... i was confused by corbin? like, did he not know what channing was doing to stir up drama...? i thought he was in on it? i guess not? corbin was just genuinely busy? he was sweet in the last episode but it was so jarring, because that’s not the corbin we saw throughout the season at all. 

all in all, i felt like the last episode was so rushed. i wish that they had one episode fully devoted to the opening night and performance, and then one episode devoted to the ‘one month later’ primer of the show. (also ricky just saying where he lived on national television i was like RICKY PLEASE NO). like i loved seeing all the characters in their outfits (CARLOS’ OUTFIT WAS E V E R Y T H I N G). the season, in general, was rushed. i wish they had one or two more episodes to really tie everything in together. we didn’t get to see a lot, anyone’s reaction to ricky’s confession, ej’s reaction to ricky/gina getting together, closure for maddox and maddison, theres a lot that couldve been done.

also. ALSO. i love her don’t get me wrong, but why did the girl who played little anna (who’s name i don’t remember, she wasn’t that important a character) get a musical solo and all elton john got was that campfire song??? SERIOUSLY?? HE SHOULD HAVE SUNG SCREAM. HE DESERVED IT. like please don’t misunderstand, it was a really sweet number and i love this is me, but why did she get an emotional solo this season over EJ? i just dont understand. 

AND I JUST NEED TO SAY... at that highly emotional moment, when ej saw the tension between gina and ricky, and was going to leave, and then corbin stopped ej from leaving by starting to sing i FUCKING LOST IT. I WAS LAUGHING SO FUCKING HARD. THE TIMING OF IT AND EJ JUST NOT LEAVING AND GOING BACK TO THE CIRCLE HAD ME IN STITCHES 

so, my predictions for the next season is that we’ll be back at east high (i hope jet and maddox come to east high as well) and the primer of the disney+ show will be taking place over the course of the season. it seems like they’re setting up for some possible miscommunications that will be in the directory that will cause drama for the main characters, possibly as they’re performing their fall musical at east high? like the editing and framework makes it look like certain characters have beef with another and the characters have to deal with that as the episodes primer weekly (maybe to correspond with weekly updates on season 4). it also  seems like maybe maddox’s feelings for ashlyn will be a focal point. not that i WANT another love triangle, but i’d be more interested in seeing one for maddox, ashlyn, and big red than ricky, gina, and ej. at LEAST make the love triangle feature new characters. just let ricky and gina be happy and have some development that doesn’t end in a dramatic breakup.... please. 

also... the possibility of jet and kourtney... i’m listening. i’m not entirely on board yet, but i’m listening. 

[thatone-highlighter]

as much fun as the 4K word CAWM post is I’m moving this to the ask box since I don’t have as much to say.

I would totally recommend looking through bmos room and the stuff in there ! There is just sooo many references in there it’s so cool, (and there is so much to pick through in the 1000+ theme song/intro)

Oh yeah 100%, BMO makes me sad in a way, how they r basically destined to outlive most of their friends (except for the few immortal bunch like Marceline n PB) 

Heheheheeh I’m am gonna procrastinate on SO much stuff while infodumping about fern to you >:3

Oh yeah the Gumbald arc is definitely one of the ones that got most affected by it getting cut short, oh yeah the adventure time finale is pretty well received, even with some of the pacing issues n stuff, DEFINITELY WAY BETTER ECIVED THAN THE SU FINALE HO,Y SHIT, yeah I feel like people can be way to harsh on su, it’s definitely not perfect but god,

Lmao fanon lumpygrab is obviously a mixed bag like with literally every ship but it’s not really a ship i go seeking content for ? So when I do get it’s from accounts I already follow and stuff,. idk where I was going w this, you probably get what I mean, hopefully,

Tragic characters are my everything, just,, god I just don’t get people who don’t enjoy any angst at all. Like cmon I love my blorbos and wish for them to be happy but I also want to throw them into a fire and vivisection them and just make them go through so much shit.

Yeah yeah, the Finn losing his arm in golb thing is just intresting to think about, although is definitely not something I would have wanted in the show .

adventure time music grrrrrrrrrrrr

(Also I wrote this while listening to still alive from portal 1 on repeat. why did I tell you this ? Why not tbh)

I cant belige you could abandon the giant cawm post like this- /j

Okay so i actually just started having a look at the intro and bmo’s room so im just gonna say a bunch of stuff i noticed

I think its pretty cool that Shermy and Beth live in Marceline’s old house and then Finn and Jake also lived in Marceline’s old house too it seems poetic in some kinda way. I wonder how many other iterations of them shes leant her house to over the thousands of years, because thinking about that first introductory episode shes in, from memory if almost feels like shes done that before. So.

Why does BMO have a guillotine on the damn roof of their house . Is going around decapitating ppl a thing they just Regularly do or- . We got statue of KoO, the crowns, IKs drum but it looks kinda busted, lady rainicorns translator thing(?), bmo’s skateboard from that one episode, that soda girl, james baxters balls, the hat from the lady armour, oh the broken clock! , lsp’s number plate, amo just. Open on the table like its normal, one of those books looks like ones of the ones IK was reading on how to get bitches or smthn, is that lsp’s star??!??!, jake’s viola, a portrait of banana man?

Also that Is meant to be sweet pea right? The giant walking around?

The idea of characters who live forever is so sad to me. Im glad that bmo Isnt the only one because if they were it wiuld just be awful, Bonnie and Marcy have eachother but i hope they go visit bmo from time to time it would be really sad if they ended up all alone :(

I am taking this as a chance to go Insane over SU because somehow all this being insane over AT has made me want to do that. I could kinda i guess see how people could be unsatisfied with the ending of SU, i didnt have many expectations to be let down by by the finale but i also watched it when i was like 12 so. But even if you had issues with it once you found out that they got ruched into a finale and Why they got rushed into a finale you would think you’d cut the writers a but more slack but people Dont. And even outside of DD and CYM most of the issues people have with the show aren’t even that big a deal, “oh the art-style is inconsistent” okay? And? They let the storyboarders have a bit of creative freedom “oh the characters are off model a lot” okay?? As long as you can tell who they’re meant to be and as long as character a is taller than character b who cares??? “Oh the writing is really badly paced with a bunch of filler episodes everywhere all the time” 1. Thats not what filler means and 2. Its written like that because of the stupid fucking steven bomb format that it got aired in. Its a kids show thats just trying to tell a story about this kid with a magic gem in his belly that gives him super powers calm down okay tje first episode is about him thinking his powers come from eating ice cream(i mean this in the most affectionate way possible). No one is saying the show is perfect nothing is perfect if you personally dont like it just say you dont like it you dont have to try and come up with reasons why you dont and you especially dont have to insult and be mean people who do like it for no reason. Man

I get what u mean with the lumpy grab thing. Like most the stuff you see for it are from creators who make other content you already like so chances are when they make that content youll like it too even if you’re not overly fond of the ship itself. Brain to brain communication

TRAGIC CHARACTERS MY BELOVED. Weve been over this so many times but theyre so !!

Holy shit still alive!! I love that song i used to listen to it a bunch before id ever even played portal properly its such a vibin song i put it on whole i was writing this out <3 thank u for reminding me of its existence

[ajdrawshq]

Yo I've been really out of the loop with KH stuff but I took a look at some of the official localizations cause I was curious about the changes and NOW I'm curious if the community like raised an eyebrow at all at the whole 'world where unversed come from thing'??? The wording about it on Terra and Vanitas' files still make me go?? I wanna know if the theory people closed in on that cause I only barely speculate and I'm lowkey losing my mind that it wasn't a mistranslation actually

Omg ok so first off i read this like 3 times and went "wAIT WHAT DO U MEAN THEY MENTION AN UNVERSED WORLD" despite Terra's and Vanitas' stories being the ones i read the most (other than Repli's,,) so that tells u exactly how much info i retain from anything ever,

SECONDLY this is actually interesting to me and despite following quite a few kh theorists i have Not seen anyone even blink at this at all - tho i hadnt looked on twitter much when they first came out so i could be wrong. Either way, first time im hearing it so thanks for that n props for being the first to say anything abt it to my knowledge! Also wanna mention that i never actually read most of the chara files before the official translation (i think i read Repliku, Riku n Demyx n just. Never went to the rest) so by ur wording that was a thing even before this stuff was released??? How am i just now finding this out ,, BUT YEAH GETTING TO THE STUFF IN THE CHARACTER FILES BC IM VERY INTRIGUED.. i'll include whatever may or may not be relevant to this topic

From Terra's character file: "If the Realm of Darkness was what Aqua had fallen into, where was I? . . . Maybe that place wasn't even darkness, but the realm of nothingness. A realm with neither light nor darkness. . . I wasn't in the world of sleep, in a dream, but rather a world of nothing, and yet it existed. Because of this, pain, sadness, and hatred became nothingness and attacked me. . . Maybe this place resembled the world of the Unversed. A void that swallowed even sadness and pain. A world where hope and joy had never existed to begin with."

And from Vanitas': "Unversed--meaning ones who aren't well versed with life. What the heck does that actually mean? . . . This monster was both me and not me. . . I dont need to know which is light and which is darkness. Not just light, not just darkness. . . I came from the void and am returning to it. What's the void? It's neither darkness nor light, more like an abyss. Good night, Ventus."

... good god is there a lot to unpack here. Like a Lot a lot. Im gonna try to stay on topic here but no guarentees bc we are talking about Terra and Vanitas and the biggest coolest parallel tie thing that i never even thought about before, both between them and between two kh monsters that i didnt think would be linked and the relationships between different worlds and realms and nmmmmmmmm yeah im just gonna write down every observation i have from this sorry in advance for length

Ok. The most obvious connection between the two is both mentioning the void. This, according to what u pointed out and being backed up by Terra's observation, is or is similar to the world where Unversed originate, or where they reside. Now at first I thought that would be a weird thought bc like, dont the Unversed come from Vanitas?? But Vanitas talks about how he also came from that void, so the idea of it being the world of Unversed isnt out of the picture. But also, Vanitas is supposed to come from Darkness, right? Did Darkness come from this void as well? Or is it the void itself? But that would be weird, because the void isnt darkness nor light - and they make a point to say that mulitple times, which is interesting. What the fuck even is this void?

Thing is, the way they - especially Terra - talk about it (and bc i recently played thru kh2's ending again as if id somehow known it would come in handy) reminded me of this:

A place of neither dark nor light, an abyss, where emotions never existed, with creatures that embody nothingness. Plus the fact that Terra has ties to Xemnas, whom you fight here (was Terra here too, somewhere?). Theres gotta be a connection. I have no doubts about this. My only question would be just.. why?? With Unversed being the literal embodiments of emotions while Nobodies completely lack those, its kind of weird to think that their origins might be connected in some way. Or maybe not their origins, but theres.. something. We think of Heartless and Nobodies as counterparts, but Unversed might have bigger a place in there than we know. I might even argue that Nobodies and Unversed have a more distinct tie than the previous duo according to these files. Whether theyre also counterparts, polar opposites, or possibly even of similar nature..

Oh, on a related note, I included Vanitas' "both me and not me" quote for a number of reasons - one being the above. Im not saying the Unversed and Nobodies are actually the same thing (probably. Probably) but the way Terra described emotions turning into nothingness which then attacked him, adding on Unversed being described as those who arent well versed with life (which even Vanitas doesnt really understand, and those things come from him) like. Theres something here. The other reason i included the quote was i think it actually seems like a cool parallel to Terra, Xemnas, and Xehanort, which felt relevant enough to add here

Also noting the reason for why i included Vanitas' last line there, i couldnt help but be reminded of something from re:com:

I also think its interesting that Terra knows of the sleeping worlds, which makes me wonder if he ever had experience with them since hes aware that he isnt among those (outside of what he may know/remember from Xemnas..? Im not sure how strong their connection is)

But back to the Unversed world itself, why does Vanitas say hes going back to a place without darkness or light when hes supposed to Be Darkness (or part of it, at least)? Thats like one of the main things thats really getting me here. Is the void, the world of nothingness, where everything came from or came to be? Cuz if THE Darkness came from the place, its gotta go way back.

Ohhhhhh no im thinking way too much abt this but. A world of nothingness. It shouldnt exist, but it does. Yknow what else shouldnt and technically doesnt exist but somehow also does? Unreality. Fiction. Where MoM, who has been at war with Darkness (who has relation to Vanitas) for the past fuck knows how many centuries, was last seen. (Wheres that one pic of the dude with the corkboard going nuts thats exactly what i feel like rn.)

The void is related to nothingness, but are those related to the worlds of fiction? Do light and dark exist in unreality? If so, do they have the same relationship as within reality? Is any of this stuff related? I dont fucking know!!!!!!!!! Im going to lay facedown on my bed and contemplate this for the rest of my life

[lissalizzie]

AS I PROMISED

CHISHIYA X READER - A SOFT ONE ( +18 because of some words I used)

It is really cute I promise, listen to the song while you read... It will give you the vibe

Sorry for any mistakes

You were so tired of waiting...

When you first felt your heart beating faster for Chishiya after one of your first games your never imagined it would be so hard to deal with being in love with him.

The problem was... That guy seemed not to care about a thing... He didnt have friends, he didnt talk about any person in the real world... It was like he was born alone and that scared you as hell cause that made the job of getting to his heart kinda impossible...

It was a little dumb and silly to be worrying about a love in a world like that one... In a reality like that one...But you just couldn't help that... Everytime you saw him it was like you wanted so much to be his... Like you wanted him to saw you too but he never did.

And the days passed, the months passed. You weren't a girl, you were a woman... You didn't like playing more than you were already pushed to...

At some point it started to make you cry to see him because you wanted him to notice, at least, which he didnt seemed to... But that time you were wrong.

The thing was Chishiya was feeling something for the first time in his life, and he wasn't even recognizing it because it was a first time experience.

Seeing you was like another kind of pleasure, a sweeter one, some kind one soft sensation. It wasn't like when he won a game or a card... It was peaceful... Being with you didn't make his body felt like all the adrenaline in the world was in his veins... Is was like... Home... Like he didn't want to run, or hide, or plan anything, or talk... He just wanted to listen to you and watch you... Because you were such a great view for him.

Chishiya was used to paying attention on everything around him, and  of course that included you... But at some point your eyes started to be the focus... Because they were like a big, deep and beautiful ocean... And your lips...Do they supposed to shine like that while you talk? Chishiya always catched himself asking those questions.

He was confused, so he kept even quieter than he usually was...

But when he couldn't hide it anymore...He felt like something was exploding inside him. Maybe it was on your birthday when everyone tried so hard to make you happy but he just... didnt show up on that little party cause he was trying so hard to deny his feelings for you like a dumb guy would do... And then when he was coming back to his room late at night he heard you cry... And he knew it was you because he would recognize your voice even at hell after listening to you talking about everything for so long...

You were alone at your room, Kuina had left after talking to you for long hours trying to convince you that... You should only love people that are capable to value the intensity of that love... And she was so right and you were feeling so dumb.

When you saw his cold eyes in the room you almost felt like punching him in the face cause you were so angry. Not cause he didnt come to your birthday party, but because he was acting like a fucking teen and he was a man... How could he manage all those feelings about the games and could not deal with the fact that another person... Liked him? That made you feel like giving up so much, because what was the point of keeping a feeling for someone that made you cry more than made you happy ?

- You know... Looking at me like that wont help anything.

- Oh it will... It will help you to stay alive

Chishiya was smart, he was fast but one of the reasons he liked you back was... You was just as good as him... If not better.

- I didn't even know it was your birthday, y/n

- Don't you dare try playing dumb to me - You was so angry you felt like you were burning. You were so tired of suffering for someone else.

He breathed in and out as he was looking at the ground.

- Okay... I...

- No... This is not about you, there is nothing about you here, Chishiya. If you didn't want me you just had to say no and we would move on. You treated me like a child, you treated me like a girl that would follow you around like a psycho, you didnt respect me . ...because I can deal with anything but I will not accept a fucking man or anyone here looking down on me just because I'm in love... - You words were so heavy it was like anyone could actually touch them. It was clear it was not just because it was in love with him you were gonna give up on who you were or on your well being. - I fucking give up, okay? - You just threw your hands in the airs with sad eyes, you didnt want to but you also didn't see any hope on that cause he never really showed anything to you.

At that moment Chishiya felt that if he didnt make any move he would lost the one thing... He really felt that he wanted and it wasnt artificial and automatic...

We walked till your faces were really close and, for the first time, you saw an expression on his face... fear.

- I... Please, please dont leave, y/n

- Why? So you can still doing what you're doing? I'm not here for you to use me

- Can you just... Let me talk ? I... I'm afraid... Okay? I'm afraid, y/n. I never felt anything like that... I never was afraid to lose someone... I never... - He touched your hair, his eyes passing through the details of your face. - I never felt like my world was about anyone else other than me... And now it seems like it is... And I'm so afraid cause I feel vulnerable like I never did in my life... it's terrifying. - He confessed. - I'm not the kind of guy who talks... I'm not the kind of guy who knows how to... you know... expresses himself... This is me, y/n. But somehow I... Let's say... the thought of losing you on game is even more terrible as the one of... me dying on a game... And it's weird but when I think about something... You... - He closed his eyes... he wanted so much to talk but it was always so hard... like something was there trying to stop him.- Just dont leave... Because I am here waiting for you to come back everytime you leave... You matter to me... And I want to know how it is... To matter to someone else too... and to do it together. I'm sorry if I hurt you... I never meant to, and I'm sorry I acted like a jerk cause I really wasn't paying much attention on my behavior... You didn't deserve that... But please... If you could give me a chance... To show you I'm not about... what you saw

You were do shocked you couldn't even say a complete word. It didn't make any sense... Why was he being like that? It was so... dreamy it almost didn't feel like reality and that's what you were so afraid about.

- You know I'm not like those idiots you try to confuse, right ?

- Oh, for god's sake - He took your hands and  you both sat down on the bed. - If I was trying to confuse you I would be using your weak points... Like the fact you didnt had sex in like a year and you're physicall as hell... Or... I would be using that perfume you told Kuina you liked so you would be considerably distracted cause you already have feelings for me... Yes you should be more careful who you tell your secrets to, by the way... - He laughed - I wouldn't be showing you all my weaknesses if I wanted to do something to you, y/n

Well... You knew him enough to sense a little bit of sincerity there... And you felt like you could trust him... As risky as it sounded... But falling for him was already risky.

- So why are you telling me this ?

- Cause I can't take this alone anymore... And I really feel something about you... And it is good I guess... so...

You just smiled and, softly, you kissed him. He touched your face and... You thought it would never gonna happened but it was and it was just right.

[newtedison]

my thoughts on the crank palace

i touched about this a bit on twitter (@newtedison_) but i figured i would Try and touch on my points more here (spoilers obv) again, its sort of lengthy

1. im gonna start with talking about the ending because i need to get it out of the way. either i havent read the books in a while and i forgot some canon (which could very well be true, i literally forgot that Bliss was a thing) or this ending makes no sense and is (somehow) setting up for a tdc sequel? so first off, newt was shot in the Head with a Bullet and somehow didnt immediately die? i know that that can happen in real life but it just seems so unlikely that not only would he not die, but he would survive long enough for someone from WCKD to transport him back to their labs and try to revive him. and who the fuck was he talking to? did thomas get newt’s journal at some point and i just dont remember? like i said, either im forgetting stuff or this ending doesnt make sense and is setting up a sequel which...i’ll get to later

2. why was this written? like, what was the point? i understand that this wasnt going to be all sunshine and rainbows but i feel like i was reading torture porn. like, literally all that happens is newt gets tortured (which is described in detail) by WCKD soldiers, has bouts of insane-fueled rage where he KILLS MULTIPLE PEOPLE, and then he dies. ??? what did this contribute to the canon? what was this trying to accomplish? truthfully, i never really wanted a newt-POV...well, anything except for maybe those little nuggets he wrote some time ago. but even if i HAD wanted a newt-POV novella, this is not what i would have wanted. he KNOWS that newt is almost universally the most loved character in this franchise. you can tell because he constantly uses him as a way to get fans in his good graces again. so why on earth would he take that character that so many people love and write a novella where its torture porn and a descent into madness before death? i am not interested in that At All. i’ve read fics (and even written a drabble) where newt is a Crank, and those were more respectful and easier to read than tcp. the parts where newt is having bouts of the Flare were literally exhausting to read; it was described in such vivid and torturous detail that it made me sick reading it. and it didnt help that newt is a character i care a lot about. i didn’t need to know what becoming a Crank felt like. the way it was described in the other books (and even the movies) told me everything i needed to know. the way thomas and everyone found newt at the crank palace in tdc and hes described as obviously not well, but not knowing what exactly happened to him...thats good enough on its own. the mystery of what exactly newt had to endure is part of what gives his journey more emotional depth. not everything needs to be written out and explained. not every gap needs to be filled in. 

3. me saying “the characterization felt off” is going to make some people roll their eyes because ‘duh, sami, the characterization will be off because he’s going insane’ to which i say...exactly. we weren’t really reading a newt-POV novella, were we? even if he isn’t past the Gone in the beginning, hes clearly not the same person we knew him as. the whole novella felt like an uncanny valley situation; i knew i was supposed to be reading about newt, but it felt like i was reading about someone else who looked like him. and that is part of what made this such a disconnect and made me lose interest at parts. not only that, but the world building and lore is inconsistent. newt makes a comment about how it used to rain in the glade, and apparently (as ive been told) that is simply not true. keisha having somehow working cell phone that magically connects her to her family also doesnt make sense. how would they have each others’ numbers? what are the odds that they BOTH found working cell phones in an apocalypse? i get that its a novella but you cant just throw something that crazy in there as a plot convenience. actually work on your plot and world building in a cohesive way, please. and another thing that doesnt make sense...

4. ...is newt finding out that sonya is his sister. if there was anything i would have wanted from a newt-pov novella, it would have been this. him finding out that not only is sonya his sister, but he already knows her post-WCKD. something that would have made this novella actually captivating, contributing something worthwhile to the canon that i would actually want to read, is if newt found out while in the crank palace that sonya was his sister; the Flare would remove that part of the Slice in his brain, and he would realize it was her. then, knowing that he couldnt go past the Gone before seeing her, he would try to find a way to get back to her. he could learn this after thomas and everyone originally see him, so it could match up with the canon. and then, by the time 250 comes along, hes lost all hope of that actually happening, and lashes out to thomas in a fit of rage. the journey of him trying to find his ACTUAL sister would have meant more to me than the story of keisha and dante. trust me, i love a found family trope as much as the next girl. but this series is FULL of the found family trope. it pretty much is the backbone of the franchise. so to see a blood family dynamic would have been a refreshing change of pace that i actually would have been interested in reading. also, the way that newt DOES find out about sonya is...underwhelming. he just randomly says “you remind me of my sister, sonya” to keisha in the WCKD truck. first of all, sonya is not the name you would actually know her by. you would know her by her birth name (which is lizzy? elizabeth?). second, why does he act like he didnt already meet her in the series? when the WCKD doctor tells him sonya is his sister and is alive, hes so surprised. wouldn’t he have known that already? why is there not more emphasis on the fact he already met her? that would have been a really interesting dynamic to explore, and im sad they didnt

5. the pacing and dialogue of tcp is so dragged out. i remember specifically there was a section where newt goes to talk to keisha after she starts abandoning dante, and i swear to god there was a page and a half of text before anything ACTUALLY happened or anyone ACTUALLY said anything. dashner described a launcher at one point as “the energy dependent electric firing projectile device.” that’s SIX words to describe a stun gun. a fucking stun gun! we know what it is! why did you have to use six words??? it just felt like everything was dragged and stretched to the longest it could possibly be and it added to the exhaustion i felt while reading it

6. okay i cant end it without talking about newtmas. its very obvious by now that newtmas is a VERY large part of this fanbase. its clearly the most popular ship and what keeps a lot of people interested in this series. even the marketing team for the MOVIES used newtmas as a advertising tactic (i.e.; using thomas and newt standing face to face as a thumbnail for the trailer, emphasizing newtmas based questions in interviews, even making a fucking facebook memories video for them. yes that last one is real). not only does dashner use newt as a way to lure fans in; he also uses newtmas. the parts that were sprinkled into this were so obvious that it didnt feel authentic. i cant speak for the original trilogy; i dont know the culture around ships back then, and i dont know how much it influenced his writing at the time. but the scenes in those books felt more genuine than tcp. by genuine i mean; he wrote scenes without a relationship in mind, but the chemistry had noticeable subtext that, while unintentional, was largely agreed upon by the larger audience. the parts of newtmas he added into tcp felt artificial and forced, likely as a way for people to take snippets of and use as a free marketing tool for him. one example you might have already seen; “he had already gotten used to his post-thomas, post-WCKD life.” the fact that dashner SPECIFICALLY used the phrase “post-thomas” rather than “post-his friends” or something similar shows that he is using newtmas as a hook on purpose. not only that, but to make newt’s last thoughts as he died “tommy. tommy will understand...” is...wow. first of all, i never wanted to know what newt’s dying thoughts were, but thanks, i guess? and second, when we all initially thought newt died underneath thomas with a gun to his head, i was pretty much inferred that newts last thoughts would probably be about thomas; they would sort of have to be, given the circumstances. so adding that in gives me the same feeling that “i’m coming for you, newt” at the end of the fever code gave me. not as offensive, but written very much on purpose. and the ending is implying that there will somehow be a sequel where thomas gets newt’s journal from...someone. at this point, i can only think that this sequel will retroactively make newtmas canon somehow. now that newt has been confirmed as gay, it could happen. which brings me to my last point...

7. hearing dashner confirm newt is gay was already mind-boggling before. now that i’ve read the crank palace...im angry. im very angry. i think its safe to say that newt is the character that suffers the most in this series. you can argue with me but hes definitely high on the list, if not #1. so; you take this character. you give him a horribly sad arc in the original trilogy, then decide to expand upon it and tell us, your largely QUEER fanbase, exactly how painful and torturous his last days were, in detail. and then you tell us he’s gay. something that is never mentioned in the canon, only in an offhanded reply to a tweet of someone calling you out. on a base level, i can understand why people would be happy. representation (i guess), seeing themselves in the character, having their headcanons be confirmed. great. but what i see is you telling your largely queer fanbase “hey, you see the only confirmed gay character? im going to literally write torture porn about him before killing him off and offer it to you like im providing a service to your community.” how fucked up is that? “hey, kids, if youre gay, you WILL be violently tortured and become violent and a danger to the ones you love. then you will die and your love will never be reciprocated.” what a message! and if he DOES end up retroactively making newtmas “canon” in some weird sequel...i will start foaming at the mouth. THIS is an example of how not all queer representation is good or genuine.

i’ve definitely forgotten some points but this is long enough already. let me know if you agree or if theres anything else you want to add! im interested in what you guys think

(8. I JUST REMEMBERED!!! if WCKD needed to study newt so bad bc sonya is his sister and is immune while he isnt, why did they let him run around the crank palace in the first place??? you cant test his vitals or anything you’re literally just watching him. what is the point????)

[faerielleart]

GIRL GGFJFJVGDJD OK UMMM let me see... what do you like about levihan? or do you have any unpopular opinions? or headcanons!

oh boi i hope i won’t rant too much, i don’t want this answer to be a thousand miles long i don’t want to seem boring-

OKAY let’s start

What i like about levihan: i have to start with a lil background a say that levihan is my longest ship i’ve ever had, it’s the only one who survived time and the only ship i have never stopped shipping/lost interest into, which is kinda rare for me since i switch interests a lot and go through hyper-fixations, so i tend to lose interest quickly in something once i’ve found something else to pay attention to

this, however has never happened with levihan: started shipping them when i was 12, still trash 7 years later skdjdjfjf i didnt start shipping them for special reasons tho, at the time aot was my first ever still on air anime and i was completel new to the community, plus i didnt really speak english well and the first episodes i watched confused me A LOT. However, amidst all that confusion and trying to remember names and plot points, episode 9 came, i got introduced to this character who apparently is named levi, the first information the scene gives the watcher is “this guy is a grump” based on his reaction to the crowd, the second information the scene gives to the watcher is “this person next to him, despite him being a grump, isn’t afraid to tease the shit out of him and we still don’t even know their name” which i found ??? Cool??? I immediately paid attention to this lil dynamic, then the next scene was the hairgrab scene and,,,,,, yeah my 12 year old braincells went into overdrive and i was completely sold

i just needed them to interact once and BOOM

but OBJECTIVELY i still find extremely telling, years later, how these were the first informations of these characters. In a narrative, character’s introduction is absolutely crucial to the story, you can understand millions of things just by the way a character is presented and says their first lines and honestly choosing to introduce levi and hanji together was imho very, very telling of what role they’d play in the story/what role they play in each other’s lives.

isn’t it strange that the very first infirmation we get of these two is that the grumpy one is okay with this person teasing him? that means there’s gotta be a level of familiarity among them, right? and the hairgrab? requested by isayama himself? in the official book of season one it also says that the scene was added to “show their relationship”??? i mean 2+2 is 4 where i’m from 👁👄👁✨

so yeah my dumb 12 year old brain had FORESIGHT apparently-

as i picked up the manga and read through the uprising (and got older and my english got better) i noticed more and more things about them and i just really freaking fell in love with their relationship okay it wasn’t “oh cool grumpy and sunshine who teases him”, more like “holy fuck grumpy has a sad backstory, seems unapproachable but is the kindest person ever, just wants to be a hero and save everyone, has the most tender heart, sunshine is a multi dimensional character who has fears and doubts and they work so well together despite being polar opposites but at the same time their oppositeness results in somehow them being completely in sync with each other and almost thinking with the same brain as if they were one person split in half”.

since they’re grown adults and they’re so close, their relationship has something that i always seek and almost never find in other ships, which is emotional maturity. You never see them purposely tearing each other down just to hurt the other, they work out their problems and C O M M U N I C A T E ✨ they don’t act childishly around each other, they tease and bicker but it’s completely different than full blown arguments where both parts disrespect the other just to prove their point. They are willing to listen to what the other has to say and their judgment is precious and welcomed, since the basis of their relationship is complete trust. levi is rough with words, but he means something else entirely despite what he conveys, as seen during the aftermath of eren’s first hardening experiments, and hanji totally understands what he wants to say, which is why they never reprimand him or take offense to what he says.

what i’m trying to say, i believe in a way that nothing is half-assed about how they were written in the story as a pair, despite how i disagree with certain narrative choices *ahem*; as much as i would have wanted them to have more screentime and more interactions, i believe it wouldn’t have been “in character”, lemme explain because i realize it sounds weird and my wording probably doesn’t help: their relationship is subtle and as such it should remain subtle and in the subtext, simply because it is none of our business as readers. Show, not tell, but show in a way that it is evident only if you pay attention. levi is blunt when he speaks, but at the same time his words have another meaning than what he conveys and his actions are subtle.

isn’t it obvious with how often it was remarked that the only person who is able to understand levi completely is hanji? and this is where chapter 132 comes into play with this amazing analysis post that i’m sure we all read a thousand times and screamed over it

all this “ambiguity”, all this subtlety, all this subtext, all this wordplay, words that have more than one meaning, i believe are all indicators of one thing: us readers are not able to understand comple what levi wants to say and his words result ambiguous to us and not 100% clear, simply because the readers are not hanji. but fortunately, i believe that hanji understood that levi too wants to “stay in the forest”. this is not the reaction of someone who is confused by a sentence, this is the face of someone who finally had a realization:

what kind of realization? it’s not up to us to know (tho we know *wink wink*), because we’re not hanji and we can’t understand what levi says.

plus, 心臓を捧げよ, “dedicate your heart”, can hold a million different meanings. 心臓 is heart, を is a particle that denotes the object, 捧げよ is the verb “to offer, dedicate, devote, sacrifice”, there are no adjectives that indicate possession as you can see; levi using his own left (not right) fist and placing it on hanji’s chest instead of just taking hanji’s hand and placing it on their chest is ambiguous too. i interpet it in different ways but the conclusion is one, and i can’t honestly see it in any other way. one of the interpretations i like the most is that levi is implying that they both share the same heart, which is why he used his own left hand, meaning that both of them are dedicating their hearts in that moment to humanity, because they are actively choosing to put their desires aside to live a peaceful life away from everything (as jean too has wished in chapter 127, as hanji has expressed in 126 but in 127 too and jean seems taken aback by their confession) since they’re soldiers and duty comes first.

so yeah if i have to choose something i love the most about levihan, it’s gotta be the subtlety and the ambiguity that at the end of the day, is absolutely not ambiguous at all. everything is expressed for a reason, if an author actively chooses ambiguity, in this specific case of a relationship, he intends the result not to be ambiguous. it sounds like a brain fart but i blame it on my inability to articulate my thoughts well, i hope what i want to say can be understood 😭 and in a way, this can be considered as an unpopular opinion i think?

meaning that i get that commonly someone might want an explicit declaration that leaves no room to doubt and I honestly wish for it too, but I don’t think it would be in character, and the ambiguity (if we can call it that, i’m calling it that just to avoid backlash and controversy jshfsjdjmd) in this case speaks enough volumes to me considering both of the characters we’re dealing with, the story as a whole, the interactions with other characters.

ALSO going back to their bond, i want to copypaste something i posted on twitter regarding chapter 126 and the blush: it doesn't make sense, character-wise, for Hanji to feel in any way embarassed around Levi. They have no filters whatsoever around each other. They are close, closer than anyone in the series, the author hasn't shown any embarassment between them. Back in Uprising, when Hanji was hesitant and wanted out, Levi was the one who encouraged them. So, this thing has in a way already happened, since back then they admitted to wanting to abandon responsibilities to Levi's face and didn't blush. So, in 126's context, it doesn't really make sense for Hanji to blush "only because they were embarassed at being caught wanting to run away". It happened once already and there was no blush. So yeah, the blush means something else. And that something else is definitely much, much, MUCH deeper than "embarassment". 🙌

since smartpass stories can absolutely be taken as part of the canon universe as they’re supervised and approved by isayama and published with the manga, i am adding the rain story as further proof of what kind of relationship they have. also levi being a 30 year old tsundere is adorable but movING ON

SO YEAH MY FINAL TWO CENTS ARE : i love everything about levihan and there isn’t a single thing i would change, because wanting aot to be a huge slice of life of them doing the most random things just to watch them interact doesnt count sjdjfjdjdjfjsmdm, my unpopular opinion is that i find the subtlety and the ambiguity KEY to doing justice to what they have because it’s none of us readers’ business because only they are able to understand each other and i fucking LOVE that, my headcanon is that they totally kissed once during the timeskip, maybe on the first anniversary of the battle of shiganshina, i see them not being able to sleep alone and finding comfort in each other and in a moment of weakness and vulnerability they kiss, but pretend it never happened because things are messy and they can’t afford to get involved because again, duty first, but the YEARNING™️ and the PINING™️ only intensifies after that, but they manage not to make things awkward and they are close as ever.

my GOD i rewrote the odyssey, sorry 😭

[arthurflecksgirl]

Hi sweety!🥰 could you please develope a prompt where x reader goes to Arthur's apartment for a coffee (they're only friends maybe?) and then she forgot her sweater (🥺) by him. so the next day he goes to her apartment to bring the sweater back to her. And idk if you want to add some cuddles or a cold weather and a warm tea🥺🥺🥺 thank you so much

Oh sweetheart, your request warmed my heart and it was so much fun to write it.  You know I have a weakness for sweater stories when it comes to our sweet Artie.Thank you so much. I really really hope you like it.

Pressing that elevator button felt different, knowing that you wouldnt go into your own apartment but ringing the bell on Arthur`s door. You knew each other since you moved into this building a few months ago but it took you weeks to finally make the first move and talk to him.

Arthur was a very shy man with intense eyes and a beautiful smile, which was hiding so much pain. You could tell from the way he was making jokes that he was sad. He was the kind of person who wanted to make others happy because he couldnt find happiness himself. Observing his loneliness made you sad. It hurt you to see that a wonderful man like him was all alone. Every since his mother was commited to Arkham state hospital he lived a lonely life in his dark apartment. Sometimes you could hear him laugh through the walls. It was a different kind of laughter, almost like he was in pain. One day he started laughing out of the blue and he handed this card to you, which said something about a condition. Maybe that was one of the reasons why he was too shy to interact with people. You have never seen him with someone else. Being his only friend felt special. Thats what you were. Friends. At least you thought so. Arthur never showed any kind of interest in being more than that. He was always very friendly, awkwardly shy and incredibly sad. Even when he was funny. Especially ehen he was funny.

You walked down the halls with a racing heart. You fell hard for this beautiful, sad soul. Just the thought of meeting up with him for a coffee made your knees weak. If only he knew if you were in love with him. But how could you vere tell him without risking his freindship? Maybe he prefered to be alone. Arthur always seemed like he could be scared away easily and you didnt wanted to. Just sitting beside him on his couch, feeling his presence was a gift. You could never risk to lose that.

Meeting up for a coffee after work was something you used to do pretty often now. Sometimes he would take you to the donut shop, even though he never ate one, but this time he invited you to come over to his place. Which felt so much more intimate.

You took a deep breath as you rang the doorbell.

"Coming" Arturs soft voice sounded like he was already smiling.

He opened the door. His brown curls matched his worn out chestnut sweater. A cigarette was tugged between his thin lips. He looked tired but his natural beauty was almost hurtful.

"Hi Y/N." his smile exposed his crooked tooth, which reminded you of how many nights you yearned for him to kiss you.

"Hey Arthur. I`m sorry I´m a bit late. I had to work longer today. "

"Its fine. I mean...I won`t go anywhere. I`m....here..." for a brief moment there was an awkward silence between the two of you. Then he turned around "Sit down...I mean....." he ran his fingers through his hair, appearently nervous ".....make yourself at home. I`ll make some coffee."

He headed into the kitchen while you sat down on the couch and took off your sweater.It was cold outside.Gotham city wasnt very pleasent during wintertime. The cold easily managed to get to your bones.

It was the 3rd time you every sat here. The fabric was old and faded, yellow and blue pillows decorated the corners. Along with  flowery and green sheets. Everything smelled like him. The scent of passion and romance. You always imagined Arthur to be a very romantic lover. The thought of that made you blush while he came back from the kitchen to hand you a hot cup of coffee.

"I`m sorry I only have these self made Murray Franklin show cups to offer you. Kinda embarassing." He took a sip of his own cup which looked exactly like yours , except for the handwritten letters looking a bit more shaky.

You turned the cup in yor hands "I think thats pretty sweet actually. Making your own cups of your fave tv show".

Arthurs eyes pierced you while he took another sip. The color of his eyes was everything.

"Yeah?"

"Sure!"

"You`re the only one who thinks so" he lit himself another cig and took a deep drag. His eyelids fluttered for a second. Details. details everywhere. Arthur was like a museum of details.

"My mother thought it was stupid. She said it reminds her of the fact that we dont even have enough money to buy the real cup."

You gave him a serious look "No, I really think its a creative thing to do. You are a creative guy."

His face lighted up "You think i´m crative? "

"Sure. You do write your own jokes, right?"

"Mhhh hmmmm, yeah"

"See? Very creative."

"Maybe I am" Arthurs left leg started bouncing and you caught yourself thinking how nice it would be to place your hand on his knee and make it stop by calming him down. You imagined how the fabric of his blue pants would feel under your fingertips. Or his naked skin...

Arthur sat close beside you, yet not close enough for his knee or arm to touch yours. You thought about how you could possibly touch him by accident. Feeling the fabcric of his clothes or his bare skin stroking yours was all you could think about.

He put the cup back on the table and looked at you in a way he never did before. His eyes focused you without blinking. Like the shyness within him was gone for a brief moment. You tried to mirror his stare, but it was impossible to look into his eyes without fighting  the urge to grab his face and kiss him. So you focused on the curl that was dancing in his neck instead. Not a good idea as well. Looking at this vulnerable part of his body only made you yearn for more.

You caught yourself looking away, which made you hate yourself. How could you possibly turn your head away when he was finally looking at you like that?

"You`re a party clown right?"

Arthur finally blinked "Yeah."

"I`d love to see some of your acts some day"

"I also do stand up comedy. Maybe you`ll come to Pogos when I perform next week?"

"Ohh Arthur, I would love that" and all of te sudden your hand was resting on his thigh. Arthurs muscles twitched under your soft touch. Like he wasnt used to being touched at all.

His smile said more than a thousand words "Wow, thats great news. I would love to see you in the audience. I will try to give my best performance for you. You know what Y/N? I´m gonna write a joke especially for you. Would you like that?"

Your hand was still on his leg. Touching him was magical. Like your hand was always supposed to be there. You nodded. Unable to say a word.

He looked at the back of yor hand like he couldnt belive that someone was actually resting his hand on him. You could tell from his eyes how touch starved he was.

All of the sudden Arthur got up. Your hand falling off his leg felt wrong.

"So I think I better work on that jokes now." he mumbled while he headed to his desk.

Right now? You felt the disappointment rising in your heart. He wanted you to leave?

"They better be good if you`re gonna be a part of the audience!" he added.

"Okay Arthur. It was nice to have a coffee with you. Im sure your new jokes will turn out incredibly funny.""

He smiled his sweetest smile while he grabbed the pen, looking like he was already about to concentrate.

"You know, I wrote this joke last night but I havent figured out the punchline yet. Punshlines are important. And facial expessions. I feel like I always get them wrong. And I have to look into peoples eyes more often."

"Sounds like a great plan, Arthur. "

"Thank you Y/N. I`m trying. I really do."

"I know"

"I want my stand ups to be good enough for the big clubs." he pressed his journal to his chest.

"I`m sure some day you will be well known. Everyone will  know the name Arthur Fleck and think of a grea comedian".

You noticed his eyes watering as he walked you to the door "Even kids?"

"Sure?"

"That would be sweet"

You wrapped his arms around him as you said our goodbyes "So, I`ll see you next week at Pogos?" he asked.

"Definitely!"

Your hug felt a little too tight for being just friends and you hoped he didnt noticed.

It felt a little too long too, but you couldnt help but trying to get a nose full of the smell of his soft curls.

Arthur looked after you before he closed the door behind him.

You walked down the hallway to get to your own apartment and immediately missed him.

Twenty minutes later you found yourself lying on your bed, realizing that you forgot your sweater on his couch. Should you gt over and  get it? You decited not to. He porobably was working on his jokes right now and you didnt wanted to bother him. So instead of visiting him one more time you just disappeared under the blanket and dreamed of him for the rest of the night.

The next day felt like a fever dream. Fantasizing about Arthurs lips and hands for the whole night left you with a strange feeling in your chest. Was it wrong to think of him that way? You thought about your sweater and how it was lying in Arthurs apartment for the whole night. You wondered if he left it lying on the couch and if he was still sleeping on the couch now that Penny was at the hospital? You couldnt concentrate while working at all. Your beautiful neighbor filled your mind with so many questions and daydreams. Daydreaming about him became something that helped you to get through the day. Just thinking of him chuckeling made you feel warm and fuzzy inside, like nothing could harm you anymore.

This man was magic.

And you wanted him so bad.

Somehow the day passed by like every day does and you found yourself alone in the bathroom, looking at the mirror, wondering if you were even his type of girl. You had no idea in what kinda girls he was into.

And just as you started wondering someone knocked at your door. Was it possible...?

You nervously hurried up to open it.

It was him.

Arthur was standing in front of you, holding your sweater in his hands.

"Hi Y/N. I dont know if you noticed but... you forgot your sweater yesterday and I didnt wanted to bother you and...."

"Ohhh Arthur. Thats so sweet of you. Yeah I noticed. Thank you."

You could swear that he was about to blush.

"You wanna come in?"

Arthur nodded while he stumbled through your door.

"Make yourself comfy, I am right back" you smiled as he sat down in the living room.

You disappeared in the bathroom, pressing your face into your sweater to see if it smelled differently. It did. There was a hint of Arthurs cologne on it. His flowery shampoo and the smell of smoke. Your sweater smelled like him.

You buried your face deeper into the fabric and breathed in.

It was your piece of clothing but it felt like it was his. Breathing in the scent that was so him was the most intimate moment of your entire life. Was that what it feels like to fall asleep in his arms? To cuddle with him on the couch while watching his fave comedy shows on the screen? Was that what he smelled like under his clothes? His bare skin? Was that the scent that would surrowd you while making love to him?

Your thoughts went all over the place while you rubbed the fabric against your blushing cheeks.

"Y/N? Are you okay?"

Arthurs voice woke you from your daydreams "Oh, yeah sure. Just got to use the bathroom. I´ll be right back"

"Okay! "

A minute later you sat beside him on the couch, the sweater still in your hands.

Arthur stared at it. His hands lay on his lap while he played with his own fingers.

"I have to admit something" he said "It`s so embarrassing. I dont even know how to tell you...."

"You can tell me anything, Arthur"

"There is a stain on your sweater now. It was me. I`m so sorry. I ruined it. Its face paint. I still got it on  my fingers after I cleaned my brushes. " he showed you the spots where he stained it.

Traces of him.

This somehow made you very emotional.

Its was his sweater now.

Through and through.

"Thats okay, Arthur. Dont worry. I dont mind."

"Really?" he seemed surprised.

"I dont mind at all !"

He shrug "Well there is another thing.... after I noticed you forgot your sweater on my couch... there was a reason I didnt came over to hand it to you last night. Its so embarrassing, oh my god..."

You giggled "Okay? Why didnt you?"

"I....put it on" Arthur buried his face in his hands "Sorry, dont hate me. Please. I put your sweater on and I slept in it." His legs started to bounce.

You coudlnt belive what you just heard. That was the cutest thing you could have imagined.

"Arthur,really? You slept in my sweater?"

He exposed his face.

"I know...I know....its...I`m sorry. Now you must think I`m a total freak or a stalker or something." He looked down on the floor, way too shy to look you in the eyes while he started to bite his nails.

"Actually I think thats pretty cute." you chuckled. The blood was rushing to your face. This man really got under your skin.

"What? Are...are you serious? You´re not mad at me? You dont think i´m a freak?"

"I could never think you`re a freak. I´m glad you told me. Now I`m going to tell you something much more embarrassing, okay? So you see that you are not the only one."

Arthur gave you an insecure look "Okay?"

"When I was at the bathroom before, I sniffed my sweater because I hoped it would smell like your apartment."

"I`m sorry if it smells like smoke now."

"Noooo not because of that! I wanted it to smell like... you!"

Arthurs eyes filled with love "You mean...."

You nodded as your eyes watered "I`m in love with you ever since I saw you for the first time. I just didnt knew how to tell you."

Arthur fell into your arms "Me too Y/N. Oh god.....me,too."

You pulled him closer. You never noticed how tiney he was in your arms. How fragile.

"Why havent you told me?" you asked him, while his face was buried in your neck.

"I didnt wanted to boter you. People often feel bothered by me. They think I`m weird. I was glad you even talked to me. Those short coffee breaks meant the world to me."

"Artie, this is just....I`m speechless."

He chuckled, now facing you "You just called me Artie".

"I know. Thats what I called you in my head all the time".

"I could get used to that" he smirked, which made his lip scar show even more intense.

"I cold call you Artie all night if you want to stay. " you whispered into his ear.

"I would love to. I mean its cold outside and some cuddles and warm tea would be nice..."

"Or some kisses" you added.

"Or some kisses....." Arthur turned his face to the left and put your face between his gentle hands.

His lips on yours felt even better than in your fantasy.

His taste filling your mouth was all you ever wanted.

And as you both fell into the pillows  you buried your face into his curls and took a deep breath of Arthur Fleck.

@impulsiveclown @ben-solos-writing-avenger @jokerownsmysoul @missjoker96 @arthurskitten @lynnesm @nonnymousse @gwynplaine89 @damnrightobsessedwithim @sgtsavoytruffle  @duhliriouss @sadjesterautumn @therealjokerking10 @flowerglitterwoman @thirstforfleck @spookyhome @iartsometimes  @you-cant-cry-in-here @bustafatclownnut @jokerismyhubbie @jokerflecker  @check-out-this-joker @darknessisafriend  @nicoleverse @mdme-rosary @arthurhappyclown    @neon-umbrella-for-stella   @cherrymoon75 @call-me-harley-quinn  @arthurjokersgirl

[tauremornalome]

jc/lwj? this had not occurred to me but i'm thinking about it now and i am Intrigued. it seems extremely sad, which i like about it.

disclaimer, i am Really Bad at talking about things i like in fiction because dhdgsjdhdj Words Difficult (and also its almost 2 am rn)

BUT aaaaa yes!! extremely sad and angry, both of them. excellent mixture. let them argue and also kiss about it.

imagine you are jiang cheng and you lost Everything and you have like 3 relatively calm years to get your shit together. your sect, kinda isolated from others by the fact that you are not sworn bros with 3zun. your nephew, who is a baby and then a toddler and whose existence reminds you about everything you've lost. your own emotions - haha, good luck getting that in order lmao. for the expected period of time (or maybe a lil longer) you wear mourning robes, ONLY for your SISTER of-FUCKING-course (and you will whip anyone who suggests that you might be also maybe grieving wei wuxian).

also you saved that spooky flute and you rlly don't know what to do with it so you Repress Emotions Even Harder. and maybe hope someones gonna come and collect it (someone whos NOT jin guangyao, that lil snake. fuck off jin guangyao you are NOT getting yiling patriarch's flute. Stop Breaking Into My Chambers And Trying To Steal It)

and then. and then lan FUCKING wangji leaves his seclusion in Dramatic and also Very Fashionable Mourning Robes and you are like, ohhh master lan did someone die at the cloud recesses?? but wangji shoots you The Glare and of course you know who he is mourning. and you try very hard not to lose ur patience, right, and you wait for him to like maybe Stop and Get Over It, come on. but he doesn't, and also looks at you like you should be ashamed for not doing the same as him.

(also wangjis got a kid now and you perhaps remember a toddler running around the burial mounds, and you listen to the lan clan go "oh yes its hanguang juns illegitimate son, mhm. his name is Lan Imissweiying" and you are like. HOW is anyone buying this dumb story)

Yeah now imagine you are lan zhan and There Is No More Joy In Your Life, Birth Is A Curse And Existence Is A Prison, and you leave your seclusion being still depressed as fuck, and theres that guy who basically kind of killed wei ying. and even if he didnt kill him he still, you know, attempted. so. and that guy is apparently now famous for hunting demonic cultivators for sport??? for who knows what purposes but rlly probably nothing good considering he's whipping them with sexy lightning whip. and you are like, hey, i am ALSO gonna hunt demonic cultivators. No I Dont Know What Imma Do With Them. maybe ill find wei ying, u kno, since i lost my purpose in life anyway.

for the record, jiang cheng is probably also not sure what for hes hunting demonic cultivators. he has NO idea what hes gonna do if he actually finds wei wuxian.

So they probably keep running into each other??? And being VERY pissed off about it. knowing jiang cheng hes gonna yell at lwj for everything Except nightless city, and knowing lan zhan hes gonna reply "mn. btw u killed wei ying" to every single sentence jc says to him.

Yeah look I AM WEAK and also i read way too much foe yay not to want this to turn into Angry Depressed Desperate Making Out, u kno.

so they are both angry, repressed and depressed and well dressed so they have sex about it instead of going to therapy and Somehow it helps. Not because of the Depression-Curing Dick trope which i hate but because they look at each other afterwards and go "uh, fuck, things have gotten REALLY bad if im sleeping with HIM to forget about it"

and then they probably have sex again and again because they are still fucking stupid

other thots i have about jc/lwj include:

- them begrudgingly working together to bring down some wwx impersonator while still hating each others guts

- jc confronting lwj about sizhui and the Dumbest Cover Story Ever

- idk yet im thinking bout this but i Really need a situation where its CRUCIAL that wangji uses musical cultivation but doesnt have his guqin bc some dumb reasons and jc is like, here, catch this and gives him freakin Chenqing and wangji wants to Murder him but plays the damn flute bc otherwise they are gonna die and as jc pointed out sizhui will be left alone in the world

- lwj IS DEFINITELY GONNA FIGURE OUT THE GOLDEN CORE THING come on. wangji is hurt or sth and jc uses spiritual energy to heal him and suddenly wangjiis like WAIT A MINUTE I KNOW THIS SPIRITUAL PATTERN WHATS GOING ON bonus points if hes like. Delirious and starts calling for wei ying and jiang cheng invents 23 new swearwords to let him know what he thinks about him

- jc at some point awkwardly tries to give chenqing to lan wajgji but lwj gives it back to him

yeah and at some point they Stop having sex about it, and they both kind of.... Calm Down, and wangji is still wearing the mourning robes but hes less obnoxious about it, and jiang cheng still whips ppl but now he has a better idea of what hes gonna do if he finds wei wuxian.

and they are... friends.... now? neither of them will say it out loud but like. They Are Friends Now.

and then when they are basically almost done with Unhealthy Grieving Mechanisms wei wuxian actually comes back to life and ????¿??¿??¿¿¿?? Fuck, thinks lan zhan. Fuck, thinks jiang cheng.

......ahem. SORRY, this has gotten slightly out of hand. Im Emotional about it.

theres one fic on ao3 that i really love and which expresses a lot of the things about this that i couldnt express; i will link it in the replies when i find it

-----

TL;DR they are both too angry and have their brains Fucked Up by wwx's death, they are not willing to go to therapy so they should at least kiss about it; also go read the fic i linked in the replies because its excellent

[88x98]

Zhu Yilong.

My dearest and brightest Moon.

Im sorry if this falls short of my usual.

Im still a puddle of emotions currently.

How do you always know how to make me a sap

😭😭😭

But I do have one question for you.

Did you know we share almost the same fears?

Im also worried if one day I might mess things up and lose you for good. Or what if a day comes where your smile is not meant for me?

But at the same time..

And this might be a tad bit bold for me to say.

You mentioned how we met through someone you didnt/dont (idkanymore) like.

But in my eyes

After everything weve been through.

Id like to think..

I was meant to meet you..

I do truely think of you as my soul mate..

If I had to be honest.

There are times I do wonder

'What would things be like if I were with someone else? Would I be as happy as I am now? Would the relationship go as smoothly?'

And outside of the fact of people being different.

I get the feeling that

No, I wouldnt be.

Regardless if I met you or not.

I.. Im not sure how to explain it.

But if I ended up with someone else.

I just get a feeling it probably wouldve ended by now.

Or Id be stuck in a place I wouldnt want to be or I dont know-

You are my one and only.

But meeting you and sharing this journey with you.

Im..kind of thinking it was..meant to be.

I know its only been 8 months.

But its..how I feel.

Laugh at me if youd like.

Im laughing at myself for thinking something this silly.

So to add to this.

If I were to ever have any regrets about this relationship.

Itd be on the day if I lost you.

If you left my side.

Thats where my regret would be.

Doing something to cause you to leave.

Im also sorry if this message sounds more sad than really cheery..

Im just, typing away heh..

I guess the point I want to make is.

On one side, yes I can get worried but

At the same time I continuesly find reason to keep my confidence about us.

I dont need to worry.

And.. I dont think you need to worry either.

As you said in your thread.

April, our biggest fight.

And for our monthsary that month, you explained how you were a thinking of a break up after my mistake.

I think after that happening and rethinking the conversations about it over and over again.

I dont think either of us can really make a mistake big enough to cause one of us to leave..

And I..also think wed end up talking it out rather than making some drama or argument..

Though-

Maybe I am just wishfully thinking now.

Im sorry this is getting long

Im just..pouring out everything on my mind that crosses it.

Maybe I wont even send this to you.

Heh..just..let you somehow find it on your own.

I think Im overthinking on this way too much..

But

Zhu Yilong

I dont think you could mess anything up enough for you to lose me.

My smile is not meant for anyone but you.

You are my happiness.

As I hope I can be the cause of your own smile

And your own happines in some way.

And I hope this will help in boosting your own confidence even more.

If you can not find your own, then take mine.

I love you and will always love you.

For the next 4 months to our one year and much longer.

The Star in your Sentences,

Zhu Jiyang☆

P.s

You will not be buying the castle on your own.

You know I will help pay and everything else.

P.s2-

/insertpanicforthismessofaletteridontknowifyoulleverfind/

[horansqueen]

You & Me : chapter 30

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28 || CHAPTER 29

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -5.1k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- notes: i know its a long chapter but i didnt want to cut the smut scene. sometimes i feel like i go too far with smut but hey, you tell me. also well im slightly disappointed because i didnt really get many notes in the last chapter sooo hopefully this one doesn’t flop? thank you!

if you want to be on the list of blogs i notify when this is updated, just message me :)

requests! : ok so i didnt add everything in the requests but i tried!!!

Chapter 30 : Her chapter

OLIVIA

The room was dark and we remained silent for a while, both lost in our thoughts. I was thinking about what he had asked me, wondering if I was ready to get back into a relationship and somehow, it was driving me insane. Was I ready? Could I just jump back into it and move on? If I did and realized I was not ready, would our relationship end up the way it ended the first time? I felt something twist in my stomach and held my breath as i teared up. All the emotions I had felt during that time apart from him came rushing down, invading my body and confusing me even more. I knew I couldn't go through that a second time, but I also was not sure it had anything to do with the official title we could give each other. In fact, if Niall left again right now, it would probably be just as bad. Thinking about losing him made me grip the sheets of the bed hard and I bit my bottom lip so hard I actually hurt myself. The truth was, I had fallen again. No wait, 'fallen' was not the right word. I never thought being in love gave me the sensation to fall. No, it was the opposite. Being in love made you feel like you flew so high, way over the clouds. The fall, however, could literally break your neck and kill you. That's how I had felt when Niall had broken up with me a year ago. That was what I never wanted to go through ever again. But here I was, laying next to the only man I was ever in love with, the only man I'd ever be in love with, risking my sanity once again. I had it so fucking bad I didn't know how to process everything and if he cut my wings again, who was going to save me this time?

Niall's hand reached for mine that was laying in between us and held it. I squeezed his fingers instead of the sheets and sighed low. How did he do that? How did he calm me down with a simple touch? Why did he have so much control over me, physically and mentally?

"I didn't want to make things awkward between us." he finally talked in a low tone, turning his head my way. "I also don't want to pressure you into anything. Maybe I shouldn't have turned this into sex earlier, in the bath tub but... it was the first way I found to make sure I didn't have a verbal diarrhea of all the things in my mind."

I turned my head his way too and let my eyes roam on his face. I could still see him well but the features I couldn't see in the darkness were engraved in my brain anyway. It was insane the amount of time I had spent watching him and I didn't even care that it sounded so pathetic.

"Why didn't you want to tell me about the thoughts in your head?" I asked in a soft tone.

"Because I don't think you're ready to hear them."

The first thing that came to my mind was to answer him that I was ready but my heart jumped in my chest and I realized he was right. Maybe I was not ready to find out about his deep thoughts, maybe I knew it would either hurt me or stress me even more than I already was.

"I'm sorry." I whispered, feeling myself tear up. "I'm such a mess, I know."

He turned his whole body my way and brought his free hand to my head, slipping his fingers in my hair before moving closer and kissing me gently.

"Don't apologize." he let out against my lips before kissing me again. "No one is blaming you for anything, I promise. You take your time, you take whatever time you need, and I'll be here the whole time, right by your side."

"Why, Niall?" I whispered, blinking a few times before shutting my eyes tight. "Why do you want to wait for me?"

"Because I'm in love with you. Because I can't fucking live without you. Because I'm convinced we're meant to be." he replied quickly but softly. "I've always known we were meant to be. I made a few mistakes but I never stopped loving you, not even a second. And I know I was stupid and selfish but I genuinely thought it was alright because at the end of the road, it was going to be only you and me."

I wanted to smile at the reference from his song but I couldn't. I knew he was a different man but it didn't change the fact that he took me for granted when he broke up with me, and that now that he had lived what he wanted to live, he just wanted me back. I shouldn't be so bitter about it but it was not easy and when his mouth found mine again, I wrapped my arm around his waist, turning to face him, and pulled him closer.

"I want to trust you." I admitted, trying not to cry. "But it's just so hard, Niall. My heart is all in, I hope you know that. But my head... my head remembers. My head won't let me forget."

"I know petal, I know." he whispered, bringing his mouth on mine again to kiss me harder. "I don't want you to forget. I'll wait. I'll wait until you forgive me completely, I'll wait to see if you'll ever want to forgive me at all." He kissed me deeply and i felt a wave of intense love for him wash over me. "I'll wait a few lifetimes if I have to."

We kissed deeper and he pulled me against him, pressing our bodies together as I felt tears on my cheeks. I didn't know why I was so emotional but crying made me feel better. Or maybe it was him. Or a bit of both. We fell asleep together and when I woke up, I was still pressed against him. I brought my lips to his again and he groaned, answer my kiss before letting his mouth run on my jaw and neck.

"We should go hiking today." he proposed in a low tone, making me frown.

The moment we had had the night before was gone but somehow, something still lingered between us, like an emotion or a strong connection, I was not sure.

"Hiking? Yea, okay. And then bungee jumping? Sky diving, perhaps?" I let out ironically, making him laugh.

"I'm talking about hiking, not extreme sports. Just hike up a mountain, a small one!" he quickly added, making me grimace.

"That fat ass of mine didn't grow for no reason, Niall. Sport isn't my thing." I added with a smile before his hand reached for my butt.

"In no way would I want this ass to go, but baby a bit of hiking isn't that big of a deal. I'm not asking you to come for a run with me." he pointed out.

I pulled away as he grabbed my ass tighter, making me smile more. I loved him so much I would have actually agreed to go for a run with him, but I didn't mention it.

"Fine." I replied, making his face illuminate suddenly. "But you wait for me at all times and if I want a break, we take a break."

"Deal!"

The hike to the top was not as tough as I thought it would be and since Niall knew how clumsy I was, he helped me every time he noticed I needed it. I loved feeling his hand in mine, even if only for a few seconds, and it always surprised me how strong he was. We stood at the top and I tried to catch my breath as I looked around. Despite being not that high, the sight was very nice and I suddenly felt happy that I agreed to that.

I pushed my hair behind my shoulders, now totally aware of how dirty it was, and rubbed the back of my hand on my sweaty forehead. Without thinking, I gripped Niall's fingers and didn't let go as I looked at the skyline. I felt him grip my fingers tighter but he remained silent for a while before taking his phone out. He let go of my fingers to take a few pictures but I still kept quiet until I finally turned around. My lips curled when I noticed he was taking a picture of me and I shook my head.

"Nop, none of that!" I let out with a chuckle as I took a few steps closer, putting my hand in front of my face. "I'm all sweaty and dirty."

"That's your best state!" he argued with a laugh when I realized he was actually filming.

"Oh my god, Niall stop filming!"

He laughed more and pulled me closer to kiss me. I let him press his mouth on mine and closed my eyes, perfectly aware that he was actually filming that kiss, too. I wanted to be annoyed but the truth was, I liked it. I wanted souvenirs of us, too, even if I already had a ton of those. He pulled his phone down, still kissing me, and he probably put it back in his pockets because I felt both his hands reach for my jaw and neck. I felt the salty taste of his skin on my tongue and it made my whole body throb. Everything about him was turning me on.

"Fuck, you taste so good." I whispered, making him smile against my lips.

"I'm all sweaty." he pointed out with a chuckle as I shrugged before he became serious again. "If we were a normal couple, I'd post that video on instagram with the caption 'I love her'. I'd post the picture I took of you with the skyline, too. I'd probably caption it with, 'the most beautiful sight' like the cheesy man I am and I'd be talking about you. I'd take a selfie of us right now and post it too. Our friends would like it and leave comments about how disgustingly sweet we are. My cousins would make fun of me. Louis would comment everything by laughing at us with a few emojis and curse words. And we wouldn't give a fuck because we'd know they'd just be jealous."

The thought made me sad but at the same time, his words were nice to hear. Sometimes, I allowed myself to imagine that we were both still living in Ireland together. We'd have normal jobs, hang out on the weekend, meet on wednesdays for a drink or two with our friends, and keep going to the movies only us two every friday night. Perhaps he would have fallen in love with me anyway, or I liked to believe it, and we'd buy a house together and probably a dog. We'd take long walks through the familiar streets and maybe fly to France once in a while to see my parents. I couldn't tell if this story was better than the one we were going through right now and I tried to convince myself that the context was different, but the feelings would be exactly the same. Would they, though? Would Niall really love me that way? Would we have drifted apart? Would he have found an other girl, a girl I probably knew, someone that went to school with us, someone I would be jealous of forever, even after I would have found someone, too?

I swallowed the lump in my throat, knowing I would never know, and just tilted my head as I stared at Niall. He looked amazing, as he always did, and I just sighed.

"I'd probably post a million of pictures of you, especially pictures of you when you fall asleep on the couch. I have tons of those on my phone."

He frowned and his lips parted as he pulled away a bit, his arms now around my waist. "No you don't!"

"I do! And they're password protected so don't even try to delete them!" I pointed out with a smile, making him grimace. "More seriously, Niall. I like our story. We're not a normal couple and it's alright. We're both very private anyway and everyone in the world getting a glimpse of us like we were some reality tv show to follow... I wouldn't like that."

"I know." he whispered, making me smile sadly.

"I barely post on social medias anyway, but apparently it was a 'good idea' to make them official and stuff. Not my idea."

He laughed. "Yea I sort of guessed." he admitted, bending down again to kiss me. "Okay how about I treat you to a nice restaurant now? Then we can end the night in our incredible motel room, what do you say?"

"And I'll show you the surprise I brought." I added with a smirk. Immediately, he frowned and I chuckled. "Don't worry, you'll like it."

The whole time it took us to go back to the car, I spent it thinking about what he had talked about. Us being a normal couple and doing normal things together. It was all a fantasy, but it was still interesting to imagine.

We agreed that we needed a shower first and quickly took one together before getting dressed. I was surprised neither of us had tried to start something in the shower but I really wanted to build the lust between us and perhaps, that's what he wanted to.

The restaurant was crowded and I just hoped no one would recognize us. Niall asked for a table far from the door and we ended up in a corner and hidden from most people, which made me feel slightly better. I proposed to sit so he was facing the wall to make sure he wouldn't be recognized and finally, we asked for a bottle of wine and ordered our meals. I felt uncomfortable in the dress I had picked and realized that I hadn't actually worn something like that in a while, except for the wedding we went to. Niall never complained about the clothes I would wear and that was nice. He always had a nice comment when I was wearing a dress or a skirt but he also made a few raunchy comments when I was in sweatpants so I was not sure it had anything to do with the clothes.

"You look gorgeous." he just said, making me smile as I brought my glass to my lips.

"I love what you're wearing, too." I pointed out, raising my eyebrows.

His suit was a lighter blue than what I was used to and it looked nice on him. I stared at the chain on his neck and tilted my head, enjoying the fact that he was not wearing a tie.

"I'm very glad you love showing your chest hair because I really love seeing it."

He laughed more than I expected as he filled my glass again.

"You know what I love? You. Naked. Laying on a bed and ready for me." he whispered with a smirk.

"That's very very dirty of you." I chuckled, taking a sip. "Are you trying to get me drunk?"

"You're the one who gets very dirty when you're drunk." he pointed out with a smile. "But no, I'm not. Are you gonna tell me what's the surprise you brought?"

"If I tell you, you may want to skip dessert."

"I skip desserts often now, I'm not 15 anymore." he rolled his eyes with a smile.

"Try more 20. You love dessert." I raised my nose up before pressing my lips together. I watched him as he looked down at his plate and took a bite of his food before taking a sip of wine. "Handcuffs. I brought handcuffs."

I didn't expect that but he literally choked on his wine, making me laugh. I tried to hide it by biting my bottom lips and he finally cleared his throat. I felt bad when I saw his eyes water but he finally found his breath back and blinked a few times, staring at me.

"Why?"

"The other day you said you wanted me all tied down." I just shrugged. "I just thought it was worth a try."

He stared at me again and I stared back, my smile turning into a fond one as I tilted my head.

"You're ready to try anything, aren't you?"

"Almost, yea." I admitted, shrugging only one shoulder this time. "If it turns you on then, i'm in!"

"That gives me so many thoughts." he admitted with a laugh and I could swear he started eating quickly after that.

I finished my plate and when his eyes met mine again, I smiled more. I meant what I had said, I was ready to try many things with him, whether it was sexual or not, and the thought of loving each other with so much distance between us like we would have to do very soon made me hold my breath. That, too, I was ready to try. And he had promised he wouldn't see anyone else, which reassured me more than I thought it would. Was I starting to trust him again?

"You're right. We're gonna skip dessert." he finally let out, making me laugh again.

We finally asked cakes to go and he left the bag near the door as soon as we walked in the room. His lips found mine and I kissed him back, chuckling against his mouth as we stumbled around to reach the bed.

"You think someone saw us today?" I asked low, pushing his jacket off his shoulders as it fell on the carpet with a thud.

"No, we're good at this. You know what else we're good at?" he replied, letting two of his fingers slip in the front of my dress to pull it down. "Fuck, you're not wearing a bra."

"I knew you'd like it." I mentioned with a smile, unbuttoning his shirt and pushing it off his shoulders before working on his pants. "How bad do you want to use me?"

His eyes found mine and I could swear I saw something in his facial expression, something brutal, rough, something that came from instinct, something visceral, as if he wanted to grab me by the throat and use me until I'd beg him to stop.

I reached for the zipper of my dress and squirmed out of it before taking a step back and moving my panties down. He just stared at me, shirtless with his pants unzipped, and all I could think about was him on top of me, making me cum over and over again. He looked at me like he was literally going to jump on me and I tilted my head, nibbling on my bottom lip but staying out of reach.

"They're in the front pocket of my bag." I just mentioned.

It took him a few seconds but he finally found them as I sat on the bed, my heart accelerating as he walking closer. It was the very first time I would allow someone to do something like that to me and even if it was making me nervous, it was also extremely exciting.

"Are you sure you're ready to let me do that?"

I swallowed hard and nodded. "Mmhm, I trust you."

I did. I trusted him with my body. I trusted that he would make me cum good, that he wouldn't do anything that I didn't want to, even if I was tied up, and I trusted that he wouldn't just leave me there or anything like that.

He made me lay down on my back and used the handcuffs to tie me to the bed before letting his eyes roam on my body for a few seconds. The position was not uncomfortable but I knew it was going to be hard not to move at all.

"If at any moment you want me to untie you, or if you hurt, you tell me, okay?" I nodded and his eyes moved on my legs. "Fuck I wish I could tie your legs too. If you move them too much I'm gonna spank you so fucking hard you won't be able to sit for a week."

His words made my heart jump in my chest and he moved closer to the bed, his hand slipping between my legs and reaching my pussy.

"Just tie one of my legs with a pair of sweatpants."

His eyes found mine as his eyebrows raised. "Are you serious?"

He looked surprised but I just nodded and quickly, he did what I proposed. The knot was not really tight and if I moved enough, I could probably untie it, but when he brought his hand back between my legs, I felt totally submitted to him. He pushed his pants down with his free hand and my lips parted when I saw his hard cock spring out of his pants. I had no idea why I was so turned on by him but I suddenly started thinking about all these years I thought about him on top of me, late at night, back when he didn't even see me as a potential lover.

"You're so fucking wet. And impatient." he pointed out, running his fingers up my stomach and leaving a wet trace on my skin before going back between my legs. His pushed his fingers inside me and I let out a whimper, feeling my eyes flutter. "Fuck, I don't know how I'm gonna last. Just the sight of you all tied up is making me so fucking hard."

I watched him bring his hand to his cock, rubbing it with my wetness until it was coated and despite myself, I let out a short whimper. He moved closer to me, rubbing the tip of his cock on my lips and quickly, I wrapped my lips around his tip. He grabbed the back of my head to hold it and pushed his cock in my mouth, making me choke before pulling back.

"That sound is fucking amazing." he pointed out before doing it again.

I choked one more time but the more he did it, the more used I was getting and when he finally pulled away completely, I swallowed hard and panted. My heart was beating hard but I was not sure if it was because of lust or because it stressed me a bit to be in this situation.

"Stick your tongue out." he ordered before tapping his cock a few times on it. "Look at me."

My gaze quickly found his and he groaned, rubbing his cock on my tongue for about a minute before moving away. My eyes followed him as he took his pants off completely along with his socks and got on the bed, between my legs. He let both his hands run on my legs and my thighs before reaching my pussy he bent down just to suck on my clit for a while, making my eyes roll back in my head as I moaned. Slowly, he crawled on top of me and fingered me slowly as his thumb rubbed on my clit.

"You're mine, yea?" he asked, looking straight in my eyes as my lips parted. "Say it."

My eyes fluttered as I felt an orgasm build in my stomach and he probably felt me clench around his fingers because he quickly took his hand away and I let out a moan in protest.

"You're mine."

"Mm, I'm yours."

I thought about that time he fingered me in my room for the first time in months, and I remembered he had asked me the same thing. I never thought Niall was an insecure person and I knew it was probably just because the fact that I belonged to him turned him on, but it was also right after he found out about Louis and I.

I thought he'd push his fingers back inside me but instead, he moved up, placing his knees on each sides of my chest before brushing his cock on my mouth. It throbbed on my lips and the thought was so hot that I almost came. He started jerking off, his tip hitting my lips before I finally opened them and sucked on it again. He groaned, pulling his cock up and I whimpered as I ran my tongue on his balls, taking one in my mouth and sucking on it. This time, he let out a moan and started grinding against me.

"Fuck, your mouth always drives me so fucking crazy."

He moved back, rubbing his cock on one of my tits before taking place between my legs again and rubbing the tip of his cock on my clit. I squirmed, unable to move, and pulled on my arms. The handcuffs made a light noise against the bars of the bed and he looked up.

"Gentle. You don't want to hurt your wrists do you?" he asked, raising his eyebrows as a smirk draw itself on his lips. "I know you want to cum but a little edging has never killed anyone, yeah?"

I hated edging. I knew the whole point but Niall was a tease and being so close to cum over and over again was torture for me. Clearly, it turned him on though and I bit my bottom lip very hard.

"You look so desperate." he added. "Look at you, fuck."

"Please, please fuck me."

His eyes moved up to look into mine and he seemed surprised by my plea. "I love when you beg me."

Instead to do as I implored, he slid a finger on my slit and pushed it in my ass, making me squirm again. "I haven't done that since the last time I did it with you."

I held my breath, my heart suddenly racing, and he added two fingers in my pussy to fuck me slowly. I could feel his hard cock press against one of my thighs and I just wanted him deep inside me.

"You let anyone else fuck your ass this year?" he wondered as I quickly shook my head. "Good girl. I promise I'll make you cum harder than anyone ever has."

I tried to relax and my eyes fluttered when I felt the tip of his cock push against my ass. I breathed in and let out a few curse words when it was finally in, opening my eyes to look at him again. He spit in his hand and brought it to his cock. I felt him jerk off a bit before pushing the rest of his dick inside me and bringing his hand up, rubbing his thumb quickly on my clit at the same time.

"The way you throb around me... fuck, I don't know how long I'm gonna last."

He focused on what he was doing, pushing himself in and out of me slowly as I wiggled and whimpered. He was bringing me so close to an orgasm and when he felt I was about to cum, he moved his hand away from my pussy and pushed himself deeper in my ass.

"Niall please, please make me cum."

I didn't expect him to start fucking me harder but he did and even if he wasn't touching me anymore, I knew I was about to cum.

"Jesus fucking christ,"

I felt him shake as he got an orgasm but he pulled out of me and continued to cum on my pussy, bringing his thumb on my clit and rubbing it quickly with his sperm and making me reach immediately my own peak. I shook and cursed, feeling him rub his tip on my thigh, spreading more of his orgasm on me.

It took me a few seconds before I finally opened my eyes and I smiled when he lied down on top of me to kiss me. His lips moved slowly against mine but it's only when I pulled on my arms again that he chuckled against my mouth.

"Alright, alright. I'm untying you."

He started by my ankle and finally undid the handcuffs, bringing one of my wrists to his lips and kissing it gently. He moved back over me to kiss me again and I wrapped my arms around his neck, trapping him with my thighs on each sides of his waist.

"You're such a tease." I chuckled in his mouth.

"Hey that was the whole point." he argued with a small laugh. "Was good?"

"Mmhm, definitely."

After a few minutes, he sighed and moved away. "I really need to pee, I'm sorry."

I laughed and waited until he came back to go to the bathroom too and clean myself. When I joined him back in bed, the lights were off and he was under the sheets. I quickly cuddled his side and he wrapped his arm around me. We remained in silence and once again, a wave of love flooded inside me. It was always that way, late at night, when I was in his arms, and I was scared it would drive me insane to not be able to cuddle him at night when he'll be away.

"Thank you for trusting me." he whispered. "I really hope someday you can trust me again with your heart, and not just with your body."

I licked my lips, not really sure of what to answer. I knew the post-orgasm feeling was making me a bit euphoric but I wanted to tell him that I would. I wanted to tell him he just needed to be patient again... just for a very short time period. I wanted to tell him that I knew I would eventually give myself to him completely again, that he would definitely have the chance to break me again, to hurt me in a way no one else could hurt me. Instead, I swallowed my words and closed my eyes.

"I'm gonna fucking miss you, Niall." I whispered, knowing my voice would crack if I talked louder. I closed my eyes and swallowed the lump in my throat, feeling something stir in my stomach. He kissed the top of my head and I didn't know if I was going to be able to stop myself from crying. His voice reached my ear in a soft murmur and I hugged him tighter.

"Not as much as I'll miss you."

[stray-tori]

An Innocent Sin & the good gay flashback ft. my descent into madness

I wasn’t sure if I should post this but I mostly want it archived so here we go. This is from like,, September?

So. “An Innocent Sin” is a dumpster fire unlike anything I’ve ever seen. I don’t remember why I decided to read it. maybe I was crazy. Either way... I read it. It soon started to touch upon (very very outlandish) sexual abuse which I thought was interesting. (the angst, not so much some of the wack circumstances surrounding it)

ANYWAY. at some point... we have a flashback. And not just that. It has a gay character.

And it turns rly gay. which mind you, is still in a het smut manwha (that has a “gay” side couple, but still!)

And it destroyed me.

For those who want to read it because I genuinely think the flashback is a decent bit, it’s all the bonus chapters between chapter 77 and 78 I think. There’s a part before that too, but idk where exactly anymore. (It’s on lezhin! or your platform of choosing)

I don’t THINK you’ll need any other knowledge to get the flashback bit? but it’s been a while.

Below the cut (rip mobile users), you can read all of my amazing reactions (all of these were text messages, for context - but I took most of the replies and convos about other things out). Post is also tagged as long post. :))

(i’m serious, this is fucking long)

__________

Here I am. Liking the gay flashback character. Feck. Main dude is still straight but idk it's cute pff

This is a mess. The girl white hair likes, likes black hair, maybe, but thinks white hair is attractive

What just happened is sth I'd like to know too pff He's so cute tho omg. Watch me melt Can we stay in this flashback before everything got perverted af and before white hair gets assaulted all the time I would send an eyebrow emote if I could Context: he's asking he says it again

Ik it's not mutual but loookkk he's so sweet. He's kinda rude in present time, can't we stay in this flashback forever

I never asked for gay, never expected gay but I got gay

This story is trash why am I still reading it shdhhd

He caught his mom cheating. And now she's forcing him to watch??? What is thissss Well adoptive mom But still sudhdidu what Bitch how dare YOU exist

Save my babyyyy

Yay sister that's not yet a rapist to the rescueee

This flashback is actually just nicer in every way let's just stay here This is a super long flashback btw Idek anymore what triggered it

Okay I think I'm gonna make the sensible decision and let this dumpster fire rest and just go sleep

It was very wild. I kinda wanna see white hair get therapy but it has 90 chapters and I'm at like 30... So I'm very concerned this is gonna be very dragged out. Idek if it's even finished ahahsududi - but I do kinda wanna see where it goes and see more cute Noah (white hair) so. Here we are.

yeahhh like i was down for the sexual abuse angst but then the mother killed the adoptive son's mother bc the dad had a thing for her?? and it was someone a person studying with white hair knew and so he's investigating and I'm like how did this turn into a crime organisation kind of plot

hhhhhhh i... i appreciate these horny things also tackling abuse but it always kind of gives me weird vibes to have both, especially when its very horny. And when people are horny to people who've been abused. Idk but I'd assume... you might try NOT to tie them up if they're frequently bondaged during their assaults. I'm just.... disjdksdj hello?? am i weird?? why are they fine with it???

also this manwha is so wild, theres this murder mystery investigation thing and then theres just a couple doing honry stuff sprinkled in between and i'm like OKAY

they rescued a guy in their basement and he's understandably very traumatized and they're trying to question him cut to our main couple trying bondage which i still dont understand bECAUSE HE'S A RAPE VICITM WHY ARE YOU OKAY WITH THIS the ones questioning arent the main couple of course but idshkjds

like im glad he's somehow okay with all this horny stuff despite his trauma and im glad he can be happy and have a nice relationship but DO WE NEED THIS MUCH OF IT he's very cute tho

i like that even when i try other stuff lezhin recommends me it still has large amount of gay in it

[mei: i mean... that's pretty great, if you ask me]

I mean I agree, I'm enjoying the gay eheheh these tonal whiplashes there's not even that much white space between the panels fhjd nvm it just turned horny goddamn it can there be 1 chapter without fucking? okay, there were the flashbacks

WE ARE BACK IN FLASHBACKS but im not getting the gay relationship, sad

OH WAIT AM I GETTING GAY COMFORT bc thats very good too

OH NNOOO this turned sad very quickly

I'M SORRY IM SPAMMING BUT THIS IS JUST ANGSTY

I'M :((((

different species confirmed

I rly like them :((( I like the current girl too but it's just..... very horny with her. the flashbacks are nice [current tori edit: she’s very unloyal idk why i said I liked her] im weird HHHHH RIPPP 

someone help him he looks so saddddd

not sure if thats the most healthy relationship but I'LL TAKE IT

AWWW black hair's mom cooks mild food for them bc Noah can't eat spicy food :((( im soft

PFFF

I LOVE THE FLASHBACKS :(((

awww

i feel like theyve done much more bonding than noah's current relationship. I mean yes I think its cute when she comforts him, too, but they rarely do anything besides be horny together

OH OH THEY'RE KISSING

best buildup, honestly

the position is hornier than I'd like later here goes hope it stays cute

D-did someone just respect the word "stop"??? I am amazed

i think you might uh. have some trauma stuff too so yknow

Dohye is a little dramatic in his reassurance but it's all rly cute so I'm :(( I like them a lot pls stay like this getting invested in flashbacks is always like: ik it wont stay but pls stay like this

hELP

chapters ending in "i wanna touch him" is never good. I'm scared. Oh okay he didnt do anything. PHEW. He's already better than the girl, can't they just end up together lmao

[Noah was jealous]

w-why do you look so evil dohye haukdhjs

oh. oh no. the horny is starting. pls dont... just be cute forever

DOHYE NO YOU WERE SO DECENT WHY ARE YOU LYING ABOUT KOREAN TRADITIONS TO GET HIM TO DO STUFF HORNY STUFF TOO NO PLS STOP I JUST- WHEEE TvT the manwha is actually less visually horny in the flashbacks but im not sure if its bc its BL which isnt rly the genre of the manwha or if its bc they're still kids basically, which... I'd respect the latter, tho I'd prefer it to be like this constantly haha

okay. he's not respecting stop anymore, but it's also more of embarrassed nature more than "no i dont want this stop" so maybe i can forgive it. Still losing points, but he hugged him and it was sweet so HHHHHHHHHHH NOT SURE HOW I SHOULD JUDGE THIS SITUATION

They [Noah’s family] forbid him to visit his friends house I AM DEVASTATED

understandable they're a rapist, a fucked up murderer mother and a father with a thing for younger women so

tho he dont know any of that but yknow he's so pretty just fucking end me on the spot

hooo

they are boyfriends and ik from the future that his sister is gonna ruin it allll she has those drugs that make visual imaginations feel like they rly happened to the person (dont know if thats real but holy fuck its terrifying) and she's used it before to say that Noah assualted her. and im pretty sure shes gonna use it again bc there was a panel of Noah remembering Dohye being uhhhh intimate with her and thats why Noah began to hate him and im so sad im not ready for it. bc he's denied it in the future and i honestly couldnt see it happening even before that or she drugged Dohye, i guess thats a possibility too

[current tori: oh girl, it’s neither and it’s wack]

which if, btich you gonna die even more enough rambling, more reading. this makes me so sad but also spicy

on the manwha note, he thinks Noah doesnt like his family bc he's adopted and doesnt feel comfy which....... fair enough i suppose. and he's so cute im gonna melt just looK AT THIS 

SHUt UP, IM GONNA CRY

OH MY GODDDD he ate like ice and gum and all that, and Dohye assumed it was bc of the more spicy food and got rl worried, but he was just trying to get the smell out of his breath bc he wanted to kiss him ukhsdjs HOW CAN YOU BE SO CUTE HELLLOOOOOOOOO

look at them. LOOK AT mY BABIESSSS

how am i ever gonna care about the main couple again aww he-he wanted to go to the same highschool as him :((( im sad bc i know its not gonna happennnnnn

[mei: also at this point, you're literally never gonna care about them. i don't even know the main couple that well and i honestly don't care about them whatsoever.]

WAIT NO they're actually going to the same school awww ik it wont take long until sister fucks it up for them but for now theyre so sweet ohmygodddd

cant he move in with them, fuck his family honestly

dohye he's not a fucking pokemon iukhsdjs

oh. its. turning horny i am displeased with this development but i guess its natural for their relationship however COULD YOU DO IT AT HOME AND NOT IN SOME DUSTY SMALL ROOM how do ppl do this i like that the comments too are just "... is anyone still carng about the other girl?" sakjds

this is the best 3 panels in existence.

h-he just took your hand dohye idk what to tell you

[mei: "you blush at everything i do" god if that isn't me, idk what is]

awww its cute dohye is getting bonus points bc he invited Noah over while his mom wasnt home, they watched some sexual stuff and he DIDNT try to do anything what is this where can i get more of this

"well im not okay"

MY BABIESSSS 

they still didnt do much btw they're just kinda exploring and its honestly nice TvT I dont want this to ever endddd

[Dohye sees Noah’s sister and approaches her] N O

N OOOO

this is the starttttt of something.......... TERRIBLEEEE 

:((( babyyyy

I AM EMO

Noah was drugged im sure. hes having dreams and waking up in pain and the sister is asking doyhe over I DONT LIKE THISSSSSSS OH HE DECLINED

OKAY OKAY he saw him with her again but it was from behind and im not sure if it rly happened??? oh no this is terrible. Noah :((( poor child

i am so emo about this

[reminder he’s been abused TvT]

[the sister: “Don’t you want to know why?”]

i will. murder someone he called to ask her to delete his number btw what is this manwha but this is just gonna make it that more tragic when whatever happens that breaks them apart :(((

he's such a good bf but Noah just wont TELL him his side I'M SO SAD

I AM SO SAD

No

NO

It cant end im actually tearing up nooo you were so cuteeee and happpyyy

[*sister is telling dohye to come to the gym hall*]

what else is she gonna do she already teared [current tori: ahem... T O R E] them apart THAT'S NOT DOYhE. THATS NEVER HIM. OH MY GOD. is it a look alike??? damn, she's dedicated to just. ruining it, huh

I’M

I’M SO SAD

now he's switching SCHOOLS NO NOOOOO how will i ever find happiness againnnn NO they're misunderstanding further they're not talking properly i mean i get it but oh my god

I'M :((( 

NO NOOOO pls make up in the future at least omg he tried to clear it up tooo ahhh i dont even have hopes for them getting back together but i just i want them to clear it up im crying first manwha to make me cry and it's this dumpster fire ahaha maybe a little too bc it kinda hit a little close to home i guess but goddamnn ittttt they were so cuteee and so happy and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

OH NO. Noahs getting drugged and assaulted. And he's realizing it happened before, he just forgot. I am. so sad it's not horny drawn either which i appreciate but MY HEART NO

N O DONT YOU DARE MAKE THIS WORSE

Im. gonna cry more 

Doyhe kept an eye on him im so emo :(( but he thought he was doing well enough and gave up.... Im im so sad no i want you to make up and get back together its all just a stupid........... MEHHHH will i ever find sth like this flashback again

[mei: p-probably not, no]

i am so devasted i dont even wanna go back to the main couple just fucking. i want this relationship back :(((( but i guess the investigation might end up somewhere so hhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhh the baker manwha had a similar flashback feeling so. i just gotta find more of that haha

BUT THIS WAS SO SAD??? im so emo

[Dohye got kidnapped // the flashback commentary stops here but I think my descend into madness is pretty funny too]

OH YEAH THAT HAPPENED. THE FLASHBACK WAS SO LONG I FORGOT. NOOOO SAVE HIM. JESUS CHRIST PLS JUST ONE GOOD THING

its. actually rly smart to have another, more focused on them flashback, before the arc where he gets kidnapped by the rapist murder household so. good job. from a meta perspective but also NO but also. maybe theres hope for them making up at least after all :(((

[main couple kissing] this is. very weird now. but im glad he has someone, he deserves it but dohyeeeee

and switching to sex, YET AGAIN now i wanna see this EVEN LESS THAN I DID BEFOREEEE it's even.... a threesome now with one of the other characters why are you like this why can't you be. like in the flashback i am so upset HAHHHHH WHEEEZEEEE

I am just stop fucking jesus christ PLEASE I DONT WANNA SEE IT ANYMOREEEEE

im just stop the horny pls just tell me who that new guy is and why doyhe likes him so much

[mei: this manwha is a fucking mess but at least we got your lovely commentary out of it]

dhsuksj thanks i feel honored at least i got cute BL out of it before everything went [back] to shit

[mei: THAT TOO]

[...]

tbh im getting kinda mad about doyhe... i dont... feel like he'd just fall instantly for a guy who looks like Noah... but eh not my character

i just want closure for dohye at this point, fuck everything else ... not literally pls theres already too much of that

pls get it together for like 1 chapter is the investigation even still happening i am so confused save dohye plEASE wait what i have less than 10 episodes left Dont tell me this shit isnt even wrapped up yet

[Dohye is having a breakdown over the Noah double not coming to see him anymore]

yeah i this... doesnt feel like Dohye... at all... Even when Noah was rejecting him he was just kind of... taking it with some humor and maybe he was a little desperate and risky sometimes but... oh well... i do want him to get better but... im having a hard time believeing this development??? he never seemed overly anxious or anything. but who knows what else they did to him. Sister can still go fuck off tho

[...]

i mean. i liked the flashbacks a lot honestly??? it stayed simple and focused on the dynamics and less trying to balance smut with murder plots

[dm partner: NO THAT'S WHAT I MEAN LIKE CLEARLY THE AUTHOR CAN MAKE A GOOD STORY SO I'M JUST... CONFUSED AS TO WHY THEY DIDN'T STICK WITH SOME SOFT, FLUFFY BL ROMANCE MANWHA AND DECIDED TO MAKE WHATEVER THIS IS INSTEAD ]

okay i dont care bc dohye is currently getting assaulted nobody asked for this why i just. this is terrible. he was... so sweet. he doesnt deserve this. nobody does of course but jesus christ pls someone save him at least its not horny visually, one saving grace

ah... the assult is back to being depicted horny-ly thank you for nothing

[... removed some general confusion about the plot]

YES. SOME SHIP FOOD.

i am. suffering i mean i cant stop but GOD

okay so apparantly. the sister. has just an arsenal of people who look like other people Dohye, then Noah... and even Noah's GF??? this is ridiculous??

one good message 

why 

did you feel the need to add that [actual tired rage]

im gonna die this manwha is gonna kill me im laughing but im suffering oh hes arrested great and thats the end and the last update was in january of this year

why AS IN NOAH IS ARRESTED nobody who actually did anything is arrested What is this why is this AHHH I at least wanted the complete-ness of finishing this but now I'M JUST SUFFERING

[ mei: I MEAN TO BE FAIR I'D BE SUFFERING TOO BC JUST... WHAT THE FUCK I HAVE?? MANY QUESTIONS?? AND MANY CONCERNS BC THIS MANWHA IS JUST... AN EXPERIENCE ]

its an experience allright WELL

_______________

yup that’s it.

in my head, in a twist of events Dohye and Noah make up and are actual endgame. Something like that must exist out there but I won’t ask because it’d destroy the surprise and ruin the point.

That’s it.

Have a nice day.

[avenger-hawk]

You're probably the only person on Tumblr who can give her followers hard replies instead of rotton cotton candy to personal stuff without making the other peson feel like they got reduced to dust. I'm the oldest in my family, I thought I'd get stronger overtime when it comes to criticism and lectures from the older people, but I don't. Somehow, even after I was diagnosed with a mood disorder, it got worse? All my mistakes get magnified, and I get questioned more and more? Whether it'd be about my weight, my face, success in uni, and even my hobbies (which is what hurt the most about this). I can't win. If I read, they would question the genres I choose. If I watch a film other than stupid blockbuster movies, they go 'why so serious/sad?' If I listen to music or buy a record, they would question whether I know the importance of saving and do it. If I watch anime, they would ask why do I still watch this kiddy thing? That I'm not a child anymore and must know the hardships of life. My younger but identical sister gets excused, because she's cute and says 'i love you' with hearts often to them. When she makes mistakes they go 'aww its ok you learn' whereas I get those eyes and deep disappointment, sometimes I wish they went back to caning me. They never say to her'why did u choose this performing arts degree it is useless n how are u going to survive?' or 'why are you spending money on things like slime?' And even when my younger brother plays games every single day without studying, they dismiss it with 'boys will be boys.' and let it go. I should be stronger about this, but instead I topple on the inside and get really hurt. All the years of trying to do the best in my role as the eldest, getting good grades, looking after my siblings, aiding in every family crisis as possible, just recently I realize I became the child to be trusted and relied upon to get things done and uphold family image, but I am also not the child my parents or other family members would choose to smile, laugh, joke or enjoy going to vacation with or shower affection on. That role got taken by my siblings and I didnt even notice it. I'm not asking for extra attention, love or excuses, I would go back to the days where I get forgotten as they try to appease my younger siblings if it means getting a peace of mind. I feel like I'm losing it, getting gunned down like this and the tears sting like fucking acid.

Yeah I give ppl hard replies and tbh I have no patience anymore cause my life is hell rn so I’m not exactly in the mood for caring. I’m sorry about your situation, I hope you’ll be able to move out of your house, since you sound like someone from one of those countries who can do it. Families have their own dynamics and older siblings are usually those who try to fit parents’ expectations more while younger ones are more free and/or they feel less pressure or they don’t care, my sister was the same while I felt and feel everything like a failure, but since I get along with her I don’t mind. Maybe you can talk to your parents and tell them how this dynamic hurts, or maybe it won’t work cause they won’t notice. I don’t know, sorry

[painted-crow]

Submission time #5

Primary Sorting Help?

I saw your post about burned primaries and I was wondering if you could help me sort myself?

Paint: Let's go, we're doing a longer one today! Just a reminder, my comments will be in blue, like this.

Snake, I don't think I'm lonely. I have people that I care about and that care about me. Sometimes I feel sad cause I don't think any of them are close enough that I would tell them anything in a real crisis, but I don’t think I crave that human connection the way a Snake would. I'm good right now, and if I'm in trouble I'll figure it out.

I'm assuming you've considered unburned Snake, or you have some reason to think you're a Burned House right out of the gate... if so, it sounds good so far.

Bird, I have a couple of my beliefs that are conflicting, but in sorting through them and I think I'll be okay. They don't seem to be giving me an identity crisis.

That *can* be a Bird reaction. Birds don't necessarily Burn from encountering problems with our system, as long as we have the confidence that we can sort through them eventually. Reading through the rest of this, though, I don't think you're a Bird.

What really made me distressed and I think may have led to me burning was losing the feeling that the world is good or that anything I or anyone could do would ever actually make a difference. I've kind of mostly pulled myself from that hopeless depressive cycle tho. I'm more cynical because of it, but I survived.

Okay, we're getting to why you think you might be a Burned House. It sounds like you've recovered at least partway, though; that's good! And it'll make Sorting you a bit easier.

This does sound a lot like a Badger kind of crisis, though. Maybe Lion. I have a fictional Badger in one of my novels that goes through this.

Badger and Lion resonate with me the most. Badger, I've never felt that I had to care about everyone. I think it's important but the circle of suffering doesn't bother me too much, unless I see someone suffering right in front of me. I dont feel that guilt for not helping people in lets say Haiti, in the way a burned Puff would seem to. That may be a stereotype tho.

Haiti is a bit of an extreme example, because a) unless you're *in* Haiti, the people there are going to feel pretty distant from you, and the person in need right in front of you is always going to feel more compelling; b) everywhere has its own problems and people who need help; and c) you have a limited amount of resources to care about stuff.

Morally, a Badger would agree that of course Haitian folks are just as valuable as people anywhere else--but they don't HAVE to take personal responsibility over every bad situation another human is in.

Burned Puffs are especially likely to cut themselves off from caring about anyone not in their pared-down community. They probably feel bad for other people in their immediate vicinity, especially if they have to harm them somehow in order to keep their community safe, but they're pretty distant from caring about bad situations in places far away.

I feel incredibly guilty for all the moments when I didnt help people or the moments where I did/said some really screwed up things. Those memories tend to come back occasionally, which sucks.

Ugh, same. I think regretting things we did/said that might have hurt people is a pretty universal experience.

Regretting missed opportunities to help people might be more specific and relevant, though; I don't think everybody does that.

Lion, I admire people who can just feel what's right. But that also sounds incredibly like, "I know this is right, so you're wrong." I also really hate the fact that Lions are the ones willing to drop people because of their beliefs. No, you only drop people if their actions have proved that they're "bad" people. (No one person is bad or good, all people are both) Like if they hurt people, I don't want to be their friend.

Yeah, this is really Badger. You're starting to show some external primary signs, and it sounds like you're saying that you only cut people off if they hurt others, which suggests that you're loyal to everyone by default. This is a very telling piece.

For the record, Lions can draw their line of "this is the limit where I'm not willing to be friends with you now" in a whole bunch of different places. But I don't think that's you.

My core beliefs I guess are forgiveness, not judging people, and acceptance. I'm a sucky human and I know you're human and you suck sometimes too, and most of the time you don't mean it and even if you do you deserve forgiveness because I know people make mistakes. Also for my own piece of mind cause I know people who were obsessed with grudges and I don't want to be them.

Keeping that Badger streak going...

The acceptance part, I have some odd interests and am just kind of quirky so I'm going to try my very best to accept you for who you are. This kind of ties into the not judging people. Everyone has weird bits and no one deserves to be bullied or hurt for them. I've made mistakes so have no right to judge yours.

Still Badger flavored.

I try my best to give people a clean slate, but sometimes stereotypes do get in the way. This is going to sound so stuck up and just condescending, but as a child I wanted to be a defender of those who need it. I know, I don't know what the heck I was thinking. I'm only human after all. Pls respond if you're able to, but also, ignore me if you dont have time. 

Aww, that's not stuck up, that's sweet. You shouldn't drag yourself for that, every kid wants to be a superhero right?

I can see where Lion feels relatable to you, but you really do seem like a loyalist and an external primary, and based on this submission I think Badger is a better fit.

Thanks for your submission, and I hope this helps!

- Paint