#i am so disconnected in the different parts of myself I literally don't know what's going on in my life

[leave-me-alone-please]

How can I survive this winter?

[luvangelbreak]

Deprived | Fourteen

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20 Part 21 Part 22 Part 23 matthew sturniolo x layla venita (female!oc) summary: everyone knows the story of the bad boy and the good girl but what happens when the school's most popular boy, Matthew Sturniolo, and the girl who notoriously is never there, Layla Venita, cross paths. warnings: swearing, smutty smut smut, oral (fem!receiving / male!receiving), fingering word count: 3.6k a/n: i kinda went off with this one?? i kinda fucking ate??? i actually am so proud of this chapter????

pov: layla

I don't know what was going through my head. I didn't understand why I was doing what I was doing. I never wanted to be this close to someone, figuratively and literally, but something felt different about Matt. He gave me something I had never felt before and I couldn't figure out what it was.

I hated it at first, it made me never want to see him again. But instead, I felt myself drawn towards him soon after our drive to McDonald's. His sense of naivety, innocence and pure love for the world made me want to protect him from it. I knew I would destroy it if I stuck around too long but selfishly, I wanted to be the one to show him what life was like outside of his beautiful little bubble.

So I popped it and leaned in to place my lips against his. He didn't move for a moment and I thought I had made the wrong move, maybe he didn't want this. But then that feeling washed away when his mouth moved against mine gently, his lips sliding against my own in a soft and caring manner.

It was like that for a moment, soft and delicate just like he was. But there was a switch, a moment of passion and adrenaline between us and I moved to straddle his waist, a heavy breath leaving his lips when I did so. He placed his hands on my waist, gentle fingertips gripping the warm skin of my hips so softly as if he thought I would break if he pressed too hard.

I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, sliding myself forward as I tangled my hands in his brown curly hair. I couldn't stop myself, my body felt like it was out of my brain's control as I pressed my body against his further as our mouths moved in sync. I'd kissed people before, I'd been this close physically to someone before, but it never felt like this.

There was always a disconnect, a gap no one could ever quite fill. There was never a passion, a longing to hold someone so tightly as if you were scared they would slip away at any moment until this point in time.

I rolled my hips forward over his own, a groan emitting from his mouth that ignited a fire in my stomach that I couldn't ignore any longer. I repeated my actions and I felt his hands gripped my hips ever so slightly tighter.

"Layls," he mumbled breathlessly against my lips and I barely pulled away, still rolling my waist back and forth against his.

"What is it, pretty boy?" I asked softly, catching his lips in mine again quickly before I pulled back again, this time opening my eyes to see his cheeks had a tint of pink across them, his lips slightly puffed.

"Are- are you sure this is okay?" he asked quietly and I smiled at his genuine concern before I nodded.

"Mhm. Are you okay with this?" I asked in the same hushed tone, using my fingernails to scratch the nape of his neck lightly and he nodded, "I need words."

"Yes," he answered quickly before leaning forward, connecting his lips with mine again. There wasn't a hesitance to his actions anymore, his hands gripping my sides unapologetically as his hips began rolling into my own.

A whine escaped from my lips as he squeezed my hips and I felt him smile against my lips, the heat building between my thighs as every second passed. I pulled his bottom lips between my teeth, biting down lightly, a hum emitting from him. I kissed him gently again before biting his lip ever so slightly harder eliciting a moan from his lips.

I pulled back and looked down at him, a smirk on my lips as I said, "Matthew Sturniolo, do you have a pain kink?"

"A little," he answered quietly, looking up at me with dilated pupils as his eyes glazed over with lust and a smile on his lips.

"Cute," I mumbled as I leaned forward, placing my lips on his and he melted into me again.

I began grinding my hips against his again and he let out a small, "Fuck."

"Matt," I breathed heavily as I continued kissing him, "You don't have to be so gentle."

"I don't wanna do something you don't like," he responded quietly, placing a kiss on my lips as our breathing got heavier.

"I'll tell you if I don't just please..." I trailed off as I tugged on the hairs on the nape of his neck and I moved to trail kisses down his jawline before I whispered in his ear, "Touch me."

That was all he needed before the switch flipped in his brain, his hands travelling from my waist to grab my ass roughly. I let out a heavy breath, still trailing kisses down his neck before I sucked on the skin just below his jaw. He let out a groan and unexpectedly I was flipped over onto my back, a gasp leaving my lips from the sudden movement.

He sat between my legs, leaning up to slide his shirt off of his head and I stared at his torso in awe. I never got sick of looking at him and I'd spend all day just staring at him if I could.

"You okay?" he asked while crawling over me, placing his hands on either side of my head and I nodded, wrapping my arms around his neck to pull him down to my lips again.

He trailed his right hand down to my waist, gripping it lightly before his hand slowly made its way up my shirt. He smiled against my lips when he reached my chest, realising I wasn't wearing a bra.

"Can I take this off?" he asked against my lips, tugging on my shirt lightly and I nodded. He leaned back and I gripped his forearm to pull myself up. He grasped the hem of my shirt, sliding it up my body at a teasingly slow pace as I lifted my arms up, allowing him to pull it over my head before throwing it onto the bed beside us.

I fell back onto the bed and I looked up to see him staring at me below him. Instinctually, I covered my chest and stomach with my arms but Matt reached his hands forward, gently grabbing my wrists and pulling my hands away from my body slowly.

"Don't hide from me, pretty girl," he whispered as he leaned forward gently trailing kisses down my neck as I tilted my head to the side to give him more access. He made his way down to my chest, looking up at me as if to study my reaction as he kissed between my boobs making me shudder.

He pecked kisses all over my chest as I tried to steady my breathing. I felt slight anxiety being so exposed to him, the vulnerability making me feel uncomfortable but I didn't want him to stop. I let out a whine as he wrapped his mouth around my left nipple, using his hand to knead my other boob. I tilted my head back, my hands finding their way to his hair before tugging on it slightly making him groan around me.

As he sucked and licked my chest, I shifted on the bed. The ache between my legs was becoming unbearable as he began lowering himself further, kissing down my stomach and I sucked in my stomach subconsciously. He paused, looking up at me as I let go of his hair.

"Why are you doing that?" he asked softly and my eyebrows furrowed.

"Doing what?" I questioned back and he placed his palm on my stomach.

"You don't have to suck in your stomach, pretty girl. I think you're beautiful just the way you are," he looked at me with a soft smile and I sighed, letting my stomach return back to its normal shape. He smirked up at me before trailing kisses along my waist. He hooked his fingers into the waistband of my shorts before mumbling, "Can I take these off?"

"Please," I pleaded, lifting my hips up to show my urgency. He chuckled as he leaned back further, pulling my shorts down before I kicked them off my feet. He leaned back over me, placing his left hand beside my head to hold himself up as he kissed my lips again.

He suddenly cupped my pussy with his right hand over my underwear making me moan into his mouth. He began circling my clit painfully slowly and I bucked my hips upward to make him hurry up.

"So impatient," he mumbled against my lips before he pulled his hand away making me whine from the loss of contact. He continued kissing me before he slid his thumb on the inside of the waistband of my underwear making me shudder. He teasingly dragged his thumb against my skin before he pulled back from me, sitting back on his heels to look down at me.

He hooked his hands inside the waistband, looking at my face for any sign to stop as I shifted under him. He pulled my underwear over my legs at a slow pace before I kicked them off my feet like I'd done with my shorts moments prior. I clenched my thighs together, insecurity flooding me again and he ran his hands along my thighs. Wettness was pooling between my legs so much that I was convinced I was dripping onto the sheets below me.

"You okay?" he asked while squeezing the flesh of my thighs in his palms and I nodded, "Words, baby."

"I'm okay," I mumbled, still holding my thighs together as I placed my arms over my stomach, "I'm just completely naked and you're still in jeans."

"You want me to take 'em off?" he asked, a smirk on his lips once more and I nodded quickly. He began unbuttoning his jeans while looking into my eyes as I breathed heavily. He undid the zipper before pulling them past his waist, sliding them over his knees and kicking them off his feet. My eyes trailed down his body seeing the imprint of his dick through his black boxers making me bite my lip. His hands travelled back down to my thighs, gently pulling them apart before he stared down at my pussy.

"Don't just stare at me. Do something," I demanded impatiently and he chuckled, shuffling down so his head was between my thighs as he lay on his stomach. He trailed kisses down my thighs, sucking and biting at them every now and then as I whined, "Matt."

"What is it, pretty girl?" he mumbled against my skin and I threw my hands back, balling the sheets between my fists.

"Please. I need you to do something," I asked quietly and he chuckled against my thigh. The scruff on his cheeks brushed against my thigh as he made his way down to my core, wrapping his arms around my thighs to hold them in place.

He licked a stripe up my core making me whine loudly from the sudden friction. That was all the confirmation he needed before he wrapped his lips around my clit, sucking and licking softly as moans tumbled from my mouth. I moved my right hand to his hair, tangling it between my fingers as my hips shifted to grind against his face.

I tugged on his hair roughly eliciting a moan from his mouth that travelled straight to my clit, the vibrations making another loud moan fall out of my lips.

"Fuck, Matt," I panted as I tilted my head back, my back arching in pure pleasure. The hair on his cheeks added to the sensory overload I was feeling, my thighs clenching around his head making him hum against me. He removed his hands from around my thighs, one of them reaching up to grab my boobs roughly as the other joined his face between my legs.

He slowly inserted a finger into my pussy making me pull on his hair once again as he moaned into my clit again. He began pumping his finger in and out of me slowly as he pulled his mouth away to look up at me, his chin dripping with my wetness making him somehow look even sexier than before.

He ran his tongue across his bottom lip before pulling it between his teeth and my breathing became more rapid. He carefully added another finger and I clenched around him as he looked down at my pussy in awe. He let go of my boob, quickly finding my hand that was gripping the sheets beside me and threaded our fingers together before his head dipped back down to my core.

The sensation of his hand in mine, his hair running against my thighs as his mouth worked on my bundle of nerves while his fingers quickened their pace made the knot in my stomach tighten and I knew I wouldn't last much longer.

"Matt," I moaned out as I pulled on his hair even tighter as he hummed against me, "I'm gonna-"

My words were cut off by a moan and I squeezed his hand tightly. I pulled his head impossibly closer towards me as his tongue swirled my clit rapidly and I let incomprehensible noises fall from my mouth.

"You wanna cum, baby?" he mumbled against me, the vibrations adding to the pleasure even more.

"Uh-huh," I panted, my hips shifting as I came so close to my high.

"Cum for me, pretty girl," he demanded as he went impossibly faster on my clit, his fingers feeling like heaven inside of me. It pushed me over the edge, finally reaching the climax I had been chasing.

"Fuck, Matt!" I yelled as my thighs squeezed around his head as he worked me through my high. My legs shook uncontrollably around him and he moaned against me, rutting his hips into the mattress below him. He slowed his pace as I clenched around his fingers, my eyes rolling into the back of my head.

I let go of his hair as he carefully pulled his fingers out of me before placing one last kiss on my clit making my body jerk at the sudden contact again. He kept his other hand in mine as he moved to kneel between my thighs again, bringing his fingers between his lips and sucking them clean.

How does he get hotter with everything he does?

He crawled back over me, placing a gentle kiss on my lips before smiling against them, whispering, "You have no idea how long I've been wanting to do that."

I smiled against him, tasting myself as I ran my tongue along his lips before I let go of his other hand, wrapping my arms around his neck to pull him impossibly closer.

"My turn," I mumbled against his lips before I pushed him onto his back and I climbed on top of his thighs. He let out a huff from the unexpected movement.

"Layls, you don't have to-"

"I want to," I cut him off as I ran my hands along the soft skin of his chest. Although I was sweating, my nipples were rock hard from the cold air and I bit my lip looking down at him, "I wanna make you feel good. Please."

He smiled up at me before nodding and I pursed my lips, hiding the shit-eating grin that threatened to cover my face as he said, "Just know I don't expect you to."

I let the grin now cover my face from his sweetness and I nodded before saying, "Tell me if you don't like anything I do."

"I like everything you do," he replied smoothly making me shake my head before I shuffled down, hooking my hands under the waistband of his boxers. His chest rose and fell rapidly as I slowly pulled the boxers down his thighs, his dick springing out and hitting his stomach from how hard he was.

"Fuck," I whispered to myself as I looked at the length in front of me, not realising how big he was until now. I moved off of his lap, sliding his boxers off of his legs and onto the floor before I grabbed his knees, sliding them apart.

I moved to kneel between his legs which were still flat on the bed as I felt him observe every move I made. I felt the wetness pool between my legs again just from looking at him splayed out on the bed. My eyes locked with his and I smiled, a giddy feeling arising in my stomach. His mouth was hung open, his eyes filled with lust making me want to pleasure him even more.

I shuffled down even further, carefully wrapping my right hand around the base of his dick making him hiss from the sudden contact. I slowly began pumping him in my hand as I shuffled back, bending forward to give him the perfect view of my ass.

I paused the movement of my hand, licking a stripe from the base of his dick all of the way to the tip making him whine as he clenched his eyes closed, balling the sheets in his fists as if to contain himself. I kissed his tip, a whimper falling from his lips before he looked down at me. I opened my mouth, looking up at him as I began taking his tip into my mouth, my tongue swirling around it teasingly before I pushed my head down. He hit the back of my throat and I closed my eyes, thankful my gag reflex was practically nonexistent.

A moan escaped his lips as I bobbed my head up and down, my hand working on the rest of his length that I couldn't fit into my mouth. His hips jerked forward, his tip hitting the back of my throat roughly and a choked moan left his mouth.

"Fuck, sorry," he mumbled and I looked up to see an apologetic look on his face, letting me know he didn't mean to move his hips. I pulled back, spitting into my palm before working my hand around him faster as he panted heavily, whimpers and whines leaving his lips desperately.

I swiped my thumb over his tip, a loud moan leaving his lips involuntarily as he bucked once again. I smiled at him as he tilted his head back, his jaw clenching. I continued pumping his dick quickly, running my hand over his tip every now and then eliciting a moan from him every time.

I let my hand go from around him, placing it on his stomach as I leaned forward. I kissed his tip before I forced my mouth down on him, taking him fully as I felt him bulge in my throat. My eyes rolled to the back of my head as they began watering, the sensation winding me up once again.

"Fuck!" he yelled, gripping my hair roughly making me moan around him as he began guiding my head over his length. Unimaginable noises emitted from his throat as he gripped my hair, sliding me up and down his dick with ease.

I let him use my head however he wanted, going as fast and rough as he needed to feel good. I quickly tapped his stomach and he loosened his pressure on my hair, allowing me to come up for air as I used my hand to pump him again.

"You feel good, pretty boy?" I panted, catching my breath the best I could as he nodded, catching his own breath before I pushed my head back down, taking him down my throat once again and he moaned so loudly I wouldn't be surprised if the whole neighbourhood could hear him.

"I'm gonna cum," he said so quickly I almost didn't catch it and I quickened my pace as he whined loudly. He gripped my hair tightly making me moan around him.

"Oh god," he moaned loudly before I felt a warm liquid coat my mouth and I continued to work around him, slowing my pace so he didn't get overstimulated too quickly, "Oh my fucking god, Layla."

I pulled him out of my mouth with a pop before I swallowed the cum, some of it dripping from the side of my mouth. He let go of my hair, reaching his hand around and wiping the liquid from the side of my mouth. I grabbed his wrist, pulling it toward me before I slid his thumb into my mouth, sucking on it gently as he looked at me in awe.

I pulled his thumb out and he smiled at me as I crawled forward, laying down on his chest as my legs fell between his. I placed my hand on his chest before putting my chin on the back of my hand, looking up at him with a smile as he caught his breath.

"You will be the death of me, woman," he mumbled with a dopey smile and I giggled at him, pushing a few pieces of hair out of his face with my other hand.

"You're welcome," I smiled up at him and he wrapped his arms around my back, pulling me tight against him. He swirled my lower back with his thumb gently before I leaned up, placing another kiss on his lips. I pulled the covers over our naked bodies despite the fact we were both warm from our activities but I wanted to keep his warmth on me as long as possible.

"If you stay on me like this, I'll get hard again," he smirked as he looked down at me and I smiled, shrugging my shoulders.

"I won't be mad if you do," I giggled to myself, the dopamine of my high still travelling through my brain as he pulled a hand up, brushing my hair behind my ear gently.

"You're so cute," he whispered as he leaned forward, placing a kiss on my forehead and I closed my eyes contently, hoping I could stay in this moment forever.

tags:

@ilovechrissturniolo1 @sturnfix @lilsstvrn @sturniololol @sturniolowhore @dsturniolo @chrisstankyleg @lov3bug @pinklittleflower @thatcrazybitch-69 @trinity2058 @alorsxsturn @leprechaunbirthdaygirl

[jung-koook]

this day in 2012 little sky was bored and decided to turn on her laptop and checked some kpop forums (after a few years I realised that these forums were sasaengs forums. this is the only explanation for why they have so much information, especially about a group that hasn't debuted yet.. at that time I think it was quite ~common~ to share these information, but those were different times, now we see how wrong that was.) until she read one about the new group that was about to debut. she was literally mesmerized by everything she was reading and seeing there. while humming 소녀시대 '소녀시대' she decided to research more about this new group and the members, a new group that seemed like it would bring something very interesting and new to the world of kpop. she spent the last few days of 2012 literally doing just that. then she found more things about namjoon, then jin. at this point she was already obsessed. she would come home from school and immediately go to see if they had posted more about them, more videos. then in 2013 almost close to them debuting she found out about the other members and found out about jeongguk. and omg......... there she knew that he had chosen her and she had chosen him. 🥺 lmao let me stop talking about myself like that 🥹

the part below is hard to share and may trigger some people, so please don't read if it will trigger you. (I'm going to talk about depression and not wanting to live anymore) but I want to share a little more of what bangtan did in my life with you guys. maybe I'll delete it later lmao.

2012 was a very hard year for me. at the age of 12 I was already diagnosed with depression. I was very much a person who didn't like life, I didn't like living. in 2012 I was diagnosed with "su* c *dal depression". I didn't even know this term existed, but I was hospitalized in 2012 because my doctors said I needed to have someone watching me for 24 hours. finding out about bangtan was really a lifesaver for me. I really needed this distraction. I really needed something that would make me disconnect a little from what I was going through. a lifesaver, that's what they were for me and my life. bangtan has no idea how much they helped me, how much they saved me, how much they were my friends when I needed it most. I never cared about these holidays at the end of the year but since 2012, holidays at the end of the year have become something so special for me and so emotional too. I will always remember this moment and how grateful I am for it. and no matter how old I am, I will be 60 years old and I will still be grateful for everything bangtan has done in my life. I will always be grateful for finding them when I needed them most and for them existing. the positive impact they had on my life and still has will always shock me. because they are people who don't even know me but they helped me so much, often much more than these people who did. thank you so much for bangtan existing. thank you so much for each member and for everything they did for me without even knowing me, and for being my lifesaver. ♡

[katyspersonal]

These are my personal thoughts on stuff that has been bothering me for almost a decade now. I kind of went from "It would be more merciful to do an abortion because my child would live in horrid if not dangerous conditions and be taken away for their own sake" to "Maybe they'd conclude that they love living even if they were dealt a losing hand and had only adversity. Even if they DO get taken away from a person financially incapable of caring for them and live as orphan. What if they will be happy to exist anyway? I can't make this decision for them. This is something person can only decide themselves and it is called "suicide", (but I'd still do everything I can to not allow that)".

I know I speak as though it is 100% guaranteed I'd be a single mother, and it is true. I can only possibly get pregnant..... against my will, to put it this way. And yet I am always scared that this "fate" will find me anyway. I am pretty sure fixations on potential threats is some type of paranoia. I've just riched the conclusion that I do not have enough ambitions and life itself to refuse being bound to someone. I just go to work, play videogames and obsess over my interests. Why I believed I'd seek abortion at all cost is because I could not care for a child when I am myself like a child. In every sense of this word but physical. But, again, if it became THAT bad, someone else would, then. I've just been thinking about the whole concept of not letting someone to exist "for their own sake" and I think I grew out of it? Sort of? Because losing misery means losing happy moments too, and someone might see them worthy to suffer for, no matter how rare they are. I can't just assume someone else will be as depressed about existing as me. Everyone is different.

The dumb part? I've came to this conclusion upon overanalyzing fucking Soulsborne videogames. I wish it was a joke, but I just have this neurodivergency that keeps me in permanent disconnect from "real" things and "real" people, and only through prism of special interests and characters things 'click' to me. It is like I am deaf, and fiction is my hearing aid. I still think it is so fucking funny that years of religion-based guilttripping, all these fake inspirational stories of struggling single mothers TV is filled with and having optimism hammered into my head by other mothers didn't change my mind on how having a baby is possibly the MOST cruel thing I could do all things considered. But then like, Melina yapped some sweet nonsense about not deciding for others that they'd rather not exist than suffer, and it sort of have been slowly growing ever since.

I also questioned whether this stuff got hard-coded into these games, but I don't think so? Miyazaki definitely loves motherhood but that's literally it. He just poured love for archetype into some characterizations, nothing more. It is more about how existence itself and its meaning is explored here. And how it clicked with what's been bothering me, because I am always scared that I am not safe from... that. Nobody with a working womb is, but I am fixated on this fear, as if this is doomed to happen. But the most dreadful part of it is kind of.. dissolving? Nothing could convince me I am strong and capable and not as stupid and helpless, no power in the world. But something could convince me someone would still love to live even with the trauma of having a mother so shit they had to be saved from her incompetence and helplessness

[whitewolfstracks]

Okay, this has been sitting in my drafts for a while because I was hesitant to post it, fearing it might not be well received, so if you could be kind, I'd be very grateful:

I experience being a wolf on a spectrum.

On one side there's the Wolf as a daemon, my soul, a spirit of light, a protector, keeper of inner knowledge, my instinctual nature, the one searching for Paradise, connecting me to the Nature and the universe.

On the other side, there's something demonic, a monster, hellhound craving blood, violence, revenge, guts and gore.

My path in life is striving to stay in the middle. Aiming for Paradise knowing I can never reach it, while also holding space for the darkness.

I think all humans have an animalistic side. We are animals, after all. The capacity for violence is normal. It's how we deal with it is what's important. I think one should consider their own disposition for evil to make the good choices.

I do think that my wolfishness is, in part, a coping mechanism. I always called the things I did that gave me wolfy feelings 'feeding the wolf'. And I think it's a way for me to be in contact with my animalistic self that's not violent or harmful.

I've had issues with needs my whole life. Admitting I have any, fulfilling them, asking for them. In the darkness where I banished them, they grew teeth.

And that sometimes presents as a thirst for blood, raw meat, violent ideation, self-harm... I'm trying to find ways to accept and satisfy those urges in ways that are not destructive.

Or going further into the light, literally just touching grass, connecting to nature, recognising I am part of nature, respecting other beings, being in contact with my instincts, with cycles of nature, connecting with my body and it's needs, also recognising it as a part of nature, not something disconnected from it, appreciating it and respecting it.

But I also think there are less dark urges behind them that just beg for attention, and if I keep ignoring them, they will get louder, more aggressive, biting.

So, accepting the quite normal things like wanting to chew on things, or run on all fours or nuzzle people and finding ways to fulfil those, sounds to me like a quite healthy way of ineracting with that innate animal.

That's also opportunities for connecting with the animal self I relate to the Wolf.

So, why is it a Wolf, specifically?

Well, I guess it's partly because of the personality I was born with, but also because of the way I was shaped when growing up. I think that if I didn't grow up the way I did, I wouldn't relate to wolves so much. Or being exposed to wolf content.

I might grow up identifying with another animal, but if I wasn't already predisposed with a unique set of neurodivergencies, I would probably grow up relating to my animal self in different ways. So, therianthropy actually sounds quite benign to me considering how I might've turned out.

I sometimes say that I was bitten by a monster, that was my initiation, confrontation with darkness in my life, my trauma that shaped me. Had to become a monster to survive the monster. Otherwise I would just be a victim. Otherwise I would be dead.

That's why I also relate to werewolves. I don't identify as a werewolf, though, because I don't see myself as an anthropomorphic wolf or a human changing into a wolf. I'm just a wolf in my soul.

It was best expressed in Wolf's rain where they cast a spell on humans so they would see them as humans too. It's like in this world that was the only form I could be in. No-one can see my true form, not even me.

To reel it back a little, I don't believe it's just my trauma that made me a wolf. Making it really simplistic and probably not entirely accuate, being neurodivergent made me alterhuman (I actually identified as an elf before), the trauma and other life influences made me a wolf.

Point is, it's not just a coping mechanism. I had issues with identity for a very long time, it was hard for me to answer the question Who am I? If someone asked me now, I would simply say a Wolf.

It summarises my character, my interests, my mental health symptoms, my urges, my wishes... I'm wolf on all levels (lol). So, even my dark side and my light side present in a wolfish manner. That's why it's my identity, something I am, for better or worse.

Not just a part of me, not just a mental illness, not just trauma. A sum total of my nature and the way life shaped me.

[chaiandsage]

Hello, it is me, I am back. I'm being insane about TL... again... It's my constant state at this point I fear.

Anyways, I was making myself a playlist for the story and was wondering if you had any songs that you personally associate with the fic and/or characters.

I may or may not also be reformatting the bind for a second print with a couple new features (that may or may not pretty much just be making all the comms messages formatted with the Minecraft font so they look more authentic... That's... definitely not the only think I am changing.... Listen, I know I'm insane, we do not need to talk about it)

Okay, so, sorry for the delayed reply, but you probably had no idea just how insane this question was going to make me. Because a lot of these songs are ones that I hold very close to me and some, in one way or another, were even the inspiration for a lot of major plot points that happened in the story. Others, however, I got really into while the fic was still being updated because some of my readers would comment about their own songs that they connected to Trust Life or would even make entire playlists for it--which I LOVED. So anyway, here's two different lists for each of those, complete with explanations that no one asked for on why I think they vibe with the story :D

My Personal Vibes

So quick side story, I worked in retail while I was writing up the story outline for this and most of my job involved doing some very repetitive and boring tasks that left plenty of brainpower to spare for me to think about and plan out the story while I was doing them. And I'm sure you know that most stores will just play a bunch of generic, upbeat, bubbly, pop music on loop the entire day (I kinda vibe with it ngl, but I get that it's not for everyone), but that was what I had to listen to throughout the day and like it or not, that was the music that I ended up coming up with a lot of ideas and fixing a lot of plot holes to. And honestly? I wouldn't have had it any other way. But my point is, if a few of these songs are kinda cheery sounding and don't seem like they have that much to do with the story's usual theme, just know that that's why, lol.

Can't Remember to Forget You - Shakira

Something, something... memory loss, Scott and Jimmy forgetting they were already a couple during Double Life... Neither of them being able to forget each other after the breakup--plus that one "kissing in the moonlight" line inspired that flashback scene that Scott had in chapter 43.

Part Of Me -Noah Kahan

Recognize the title? Chapter 30 baybeee. This was kind of how I wanted Tango's feelings for his previous boyfriends to come off. Not all of the lyrics are accurate, but most of it matches the tone I was trying to go for.

Pick Me Up - Sam Feldt, Sam Fischer

This one made had me thinking about snowbugs 24/7 and for as arguably disconnected from the theme of the story that the lyrics are it had absolutely no right to inspire as many scenes in this fic as it did. It's how I came up with how Scott's escape went after stealing the enchanter back in chapter 31 with him jumping off the roof (fun fact: that fight was originally gonna be during the day and it was gonna be Scott who threw the water and TANGO who jumped, but I changed it). It's also the inspiration for chapter 45 when they're storming the fortress and Scott and Tango have to help protect each other. ALSO--Remember the title to chapter 49??? Yeah, that's literally just one of the lyrics from this song. It freakin inspired the burning garden scene too. Get this song out of my head man, it's taken over my whole personality at this point...

Good Grief - Bastille

More of Scott and Jimmy just missing each other achingly and Scott in particular only being able to watch from the sidelines as Jimmy "moves on" with another man.

Still Into You - Paramore

Pretty self-explanatory. Kinda captures the vibe of the ending imo. Could be applied to almost all of the relationships and not just our main throuple.

Find an Island - BENEE

JOEL AND ETHO!!--Something about them moving too fast in their relationship during Double Life, the "storm" that was them getting their memories back, how they drifted away from each other thinking they'd be better off going without any contact, and of course the whole shipwreck and sailing theme here was just screaming "boat boys" to me.

Avalanche - Christian French

Less on-the-nose, but still a really fun vibe to me. Basically the insanity that followed after Double Life. The players realizing their feelings for other people. Can sort of be viewed more from Grian's perspective since he more or less "started" all this or at least he partially blames himself for it even if he didn't as much as all his friends all thought he had. He started the small tumble that spiraled into an avalanche as the drama continued to influence nearly everyone he knew.

Stitches - Shawn Mendes

More of Scott beating himself up both mentally and physically as he goes through his breakup at the beginning of the story. He can't sleep, can't eat, can't stop thinking about Jimmy... He's barely dragging himself forward on two feet as it is.

Thank Me Later - Sigrid

SCAR AND GRIAN--Basically Grian's whole perspective on Scar. He thinks that the person he loves will be better off if he just let him go. He knows that Scar isn't going to let go of him easily, but he deserves better. He just needs to convince him of that and maybe, as painful as it will be for Grian, Scar will move on.

Sucker - Jonas Brothers

Mostly vibes. Tango, Scott, and Jimmy doing crazy things together during the first three days of the game. Scott and Tango continuing to be menaces to everyone together even after Jimmy died. All three of them being like: "Hey, let's break into people's houses. Let's set things on fire. Let's steal and murder and fight monsters together. And while we're at it? Let's fall even deeper in love--because I kind of just realized that all of this is only fun to me because I'm doing it with you."

Hate You - Poylow & BAUWZ

THIS FUCKING- Okay... I hate that this very simple tune that I heard over a freakin YOUTUBE SHORT ended up inspiring a scene that was so fun to come up with that never even made it into the final outline, but picture this with me for a moment:

Tango doesn't realize his feelings for Scott right before the Wither attacks back in chapter 50. Instead, they're closer to their base when it happens. They just got done having that whole tense argument and "confession" and are still holding hands and staring at each other when Scott points out Tango's eyes again, not knowing what it means. Tango's eyes go wide. He pulls away, running over to their fish pond to see his reflection and... Oh god. No. No, no nonono-- His breathing is picking up. Every soft, caring interaction he's ever had with Scott now pass through his head in a blur. He realizes it was love. Scott asks what's wrong. Tango doesn't respond. He can't. What would he even say? Instead, he curls into a ball and tries to control his breathing while Scott crouches down and puts his hands on him, holding him in a hug as he panics and tries to sooth him, telling him that it's okay even though he doesn't quite know why Tango is acting this way all of a sudden. Tango hates it. He hates that he's fallen in love again and through that, might have very well ruined everything. Instead of being blown up right away, they have a few minutes to talk to each other. And in that time Tango, still not in the right headspace and through panicked breathing, asks Scott the straightforward, hypothetical question: "If I were to break up with Jimmy after this game ends and tell him to go back to you, would you ever forgive me for it?" And Scott can only look at him, horrified as he tries to form some string of words that make sense enough to give a proper response to that question that even he doesn't know how to answer... Up until the wither comes back once more to blow them up before they can even have a real conversation about it.

Haha... Oh well. I don't regret cutting this out to make the plot flow more smoothly (I needed a reason for Tango to check his comm in that moment) and it's mostly the same reaction from Tango either way. But still, it would have been a very fun scene to write that might have added a bit more spice to everything that was going on at the time.

Curses - The Crane Wives

You knew there'd be at least one Crane Wives song in here. I don't think there is a single person in this fandom who hasn't heard this song yet. It would have been a disservice not to add it here. But other than that, obviously, it's the title for chapter 56. The chapter where everything goes wrong and all of the remaining players die in quick succession to Grian and his traps. It's definitely the kind of song you listen to when you're trying to picture a scene where everything is meant to to go wrong all at once. And I love it for that.

Allies Or Enemies - The Crane Wives

No explanation needed. To me, this is the enemies to lover's national anthem.

The Moon Will Sing - The Crane Wives

Another Scott POV song, 100% (can you tell he's my favorite yet?). But it could also apply to all three of the Flower Ranchers depending on which lyrics are being sung.

"I could have been anyone else" Scott not believing Jimmy when he says he fell in love with him back in Third Life in only a week's time like he had with Tango. Scott thinking that if that really were the case, then he could have been anyone to Jimmy. He is convinced that Jimmy could have stumbled upon and teamed up with any other player during that game and the result would have still been the same.

"Before you made the choice for me" Jimmy being sad and angry with Scott for not accepting that he loved two people and refused to choose between them. Scott making that choice for him by outright leaving instead of trying to talk things over.

"We walked in the dark", "I never gave a single thought where it might lead" Tango and Jimmy, them falling in love while being in blissful ignorance brought about by their amnesia. Not even taking a second to consider that what was waiting for them on the other side of Double Life wasn't all rainbows and sunshine.

"All those empty rooms" Scott feeling alone, going back to a home that feels empty, one he used to share with the person he loved.

"I shine only with the light you gave me" Could be applied to Tango or Jimmy. They have self confidence issues. Tango thinks that Jimmy is the only one who isn't afraid of him. Jimmy thinks that both Scott and Tango could do better than him at some points in the story. They complete him. His life would feel so dim without them in it.

"We could have had anything, anything else. Instead you hoarded all that's left of me." Scott again. He and Jimmy could have had so many more long, happy years together. All that potential is gone now. Why did he have to leave him? Why did he have to such a large chunk of Scott's heart with him when he left?

"I wanna feel the fire that you kept from me." Kinda silly, for a while I thought this line was "kept FOR me" and not "kept FROM me", and I tied it to the act of Jimmy and Scott keeping their hearts warm for each other (whether they wanted to or not) in case the other decided to come back to them. They were mad at each other, but in all that time their love hadn't dimmed in the slightest. But after reading the actual line, I now think it's giving more like, Tango letting his fire out and Scott and Jimmy both accepting that as part of him with open arms, each during their own separate points in the story.

Songs from Readers' Playlists That I Fell In Love With

Can't Sleep Love- Pentatonix

Scott is a tired, tired man.

Your Stupid Face - Kaden MacKay

2nd enemies to lovers national anthem.

Hot Tea - Half Alive

Lots of themes of tea and love going on here.

The Fall - Half Alive

The person who added this song single handedly got me into Half Alive and made them one of my favorite bands.

Human Touch - Olen

Themes of waking up, breaking up, touch starvation... Also just a really fun listen in general.

Where We Started - Bailey Bryan

I think they added this as more in reference to Scott and Jimmy and how they were reconnecting during the first half of the game. But honestly? I listened to this back when the fic was only updated to chapter 29, and as the only person who knew how this whole story was meant to wrap up, it made me think more about the ending, or more like the final few chapters that I had planned out at the time where Jimmy and Scott finally figure out the kind of love that they want from each other after the game ends and try to figure out how to get back to how things were between them before their breakup. And it's a bit of a messy path for them to take, with them being all hesitant to kiss each other at the start of it, but they make it back to where they were before eventually, and I think this song captures all that beautifully.

Dandelions - Ruth B.

Ties to flowers, hopes, dreams... This one had no right to make me as emotional as it did, but damn.

Ocean Eyes - Billie Eilish

TANGO SEEING SCOTT'S EYES--Seriously, he is so transfixed by them the entire fic and only finally gets to see their true color in the last few chapters. I love this.

Human - Christina Perri

"I CAN STAY AWAKE FOR DAYS IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANTTTT"

Scott again with his self-destructive tendencies during the majority of the fic. He is very sad. This also kind of reminded me of Jimmy? Just cause its both him and Scott who are hiding their true emotions throughout the story.

Head Over Heels - Tears For Fears

@Milo-media made an animatic of the fic to this song and now it lives rent free in my head. What happened here. I don't even like 80's music but this song has been on my personal playlist for months now...

Go check it out if you haven't seen it cause it's awesome: https://www.tumblr.com/milo-media/740042336270254080/this-song-is-so-snowbugs-based-of-the-fic-trust?source=share

That's everything (I think?). If you actually did read all of that then... I'm sorry. Lol. Seriously though, please feel free to message or @ me if you ever post your full playlist. I will literally never get enough of people giving me the songs they think relate to Trust Life.

And if you'd like to see the full playlists made by the other beautiful people who read the fic, they can be found right here:

Playlist by Checkmace (Ao3):

Playlist by @nerdyenby (Tumblr):

Playlists by AndIcarusFell (Ao3)

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLg1d9yowJk-82qWZlR3CyiY5Ihf926JPJ

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLg1d9yowJk-9oXUPWiB--1Zy_3W6BNdsm

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLg1d9yowJk-_YpVm8Ex_wgfQee3sXTUXU

[poupeesdecirque]

Hobby Update.

For quite some time I have been sitting on a drafted hobby update entry, I wrote it back in October.

I took the last step this week and left one hobby space I loved for years.

I can tell 2023 was a quite difficult year for me in doll hobby terms, well, on the social side. A lot of things have changed.

For the last week, since I left the space, feel like a huge load fell off my chest, it's coincidence that a lot of things arrived this week and some orders finally came to an end, it's still on going in some cases but I can tell I feel ... free?

My close friends know I have been struggling with a lot of things in hobby terms as I am trying to care for myself more and some people were constantly poisoning my mind.

My conclusion right now is I love my creative hobbies, I don't want to end any of all but I also don't want to feel like I need to hide my decisions. I know I don't need to but being reduced to just "having a lot of" while I am using the dolls as blank canvas and learned how to sculpt my own head, learned to do face ups, to make wigs, full clothing sets, I draw, I write, I take photos, I can use my knowledge on cosplay and cosplay knowledge on the dolls. I am versatile. Also it's my way to cope with stress. I am stressed I draw, I sew, I write. Take that away from me and I will become a braindead mess.

2023 showed me that I hate certain parts of the doll community, I hate the binge & purge mindset, I hate that you are reduced to be a "content creator", I am not. I don't put out mindless stuff I pour my heart into every creation, every photo, every display, every drawing.

People have expectations of me, and I can't and won't cater their interests anymore. I got shit for so many things and I want to step away from that. Disconnecting from the community is the best I can do right now. Will I return? I can't tell that now. I need my distance for now.

I want to create my own little cosy places and I am thankful for everyone who became a friend with me during the last years.

2024 will be full of dolls, full of fun projects, full of sewing, crafting, creating, full of cosplay, full of traveling. It will be full of meeting friends, learning new things, challeging myself.

I want to get this off my chest as well. If you are interested in a glimpse of my feelings during the last months... behind the cut is the old entry.

Here is my original drafted journal from the 24th October.

For those who are knowing me for longer (and with that I mean longer than this blog here exist) there is the fact I cut ties with several communities over the years. Not only doll ones but different too. It all had several reasons over the last two decades but I won't go that much into detail here.

I am about to do the same again and I know I don't owe anyone an explanation why, but I need to get it out of my head and that's what I made this blog for in the first place. This is subjective I will not discuss anything about it and you can't change how I perceive it, I know I have my flaws too, not innocent, no saint. I just want to get steam off. Thanks.

Don't read further if just the pure art content interests you :)

Two years ago I had a literal doll burn out, I overstressed myself with keeping up on releases "because omg they are so cool" and pressured myself to get customs done in inhumane speed, that sucked all energy from me and I only saw mistakes and hated my work.

It was the time I picked up watching Anime again and fell into DGM and that brought me my love for not only Anime/Mana back but also for the dolls. My focus shifted into doing fan based dolls again. I can say my relationship with OC dolls isn't on par with what it was before the burn out but I will come to that later on.

In the last two years the hobby changed, not only because I had a different approach to it but because of the people who joined the places I used to socialize within the hobby.

First the type, who is annyoing, but well you can ignore quite well. It's people who glorify buying every clothing fullset they can get their hands on and the only love they show for the hobby is actually telling everyone to do the same and just buy half of taobao, like they do. I know people like this were common in before but it got out of hand the last years. You don't buy from taobao? You don't even consider it? Well, you are not part of the club anymore. We always had brand snobs, nothing new. But the amount of energy regarding taobao got quite annyoing.

That's a thing you can ignore, as mentioned, what I can't ignore is stealing ideas or telling lies or just downtalking every release you come across.

And those three type of people is what just makes me leave the hobby spaces I am in.

First of all if something goes wrong just have the balls to apologize to everyone who is involved. Don't go telling lies, don't go and show you basically do what you said I can't do just in another shape. This behaviour took something from me I loved within the hobby: seeing how people grow with their dolls, because I had to block whole areas as I got constantly reminded of person X. I was reminded of situations, of being told my opinion doesn't matter, several times, I got reminded that handcraft work means nothing as long as you can sculpt on a pc and just vomit out products to hide the fact you messed up something else. Oh and of course the "how can't you have time for fast progress"? Coming from a burn out trying to slow down while the real life basically ate me ... ahaha. thanks. And all that despite the fact the people who are causing those problems for me are protected by everyone, oh beware if you dare to say a word. It started with one person and got a bigger mess over the time.

This overall leads to the fact that somehow almost all preorders from non-Asian artists were all super chewy or went horribily wrong for me in the last 3 years. Started with ZeligenArt whom at least popped up after calling out, the clusterfuck with IntotheDeepDolls to the failed Preorder with AceofDolls to Logan.Dolls taking forever with several reminders, or the one with LenaRuiiz I'm still in I literally don't have the nerves to go into details here anymore as it just tires me out. Oh and the post eating my Parcel from Mirror didn't help much either, but that was out of control for us both and Mirror replaced the lost heads for me and just send them out. I don't have the patience for this anymore, I just want them all to be done. That's the reason why I kept pushing back some dolls, normally I do them by arrival. In one(!) preorder case I was asked directly(!) if I want a refund instead of my heads, but I was waiting for 1 1/2 years now, I didn't want to end up with nothing/or even less than I have begun with.

Then we have the audacity of people using other people's creations as their own and only mentioning it briefly, after they got popular with the doll/character "they" have created. If you have references just tell people you have used them. There is nothing wrong with that.

I can't overlook the fact of people 1:1 taking someone's character and slapping on another name and calling them theirs though. There is something going very wrong here.

Then we have the people being nasty about releases that don't fit their aesthetics (yes I am aware this is a thing for years, don't come at me I was member of Den of Demons I know the drill), comparing them to real people and downtalking people they never met and never will understand their beauty standards.

Those 4 types are ruining what I learned to love after leaving the bitch fights of my local community. The support, the open ears, the - we grow together - even when we have different tastes. I miss that.

I know i have withdrawn from telling my OC's backstories as there were too many putting their expectations on how I have to do dolls onto me. I stopped sharing even more photos ... which resulted in people thinking I'm just that one person with a lot of dolls. Sigh. I know growing a thick skin, I'm healing from being a people pleaser and all but in the end ...

i love the dolls. I love the hobby. I love being creative, I love sharing my joy, I love seeing how other people get inspired, how they grow and not this "fast"-fashion type of mentality that somehow came into the hobby. I hate THAT.

I love the people I met and have conversations with, but I don't love how I feel like not part of the hobby anymore, like someone like me don't have space anymore because I just want to have fun, I don't want to buy brand x, and I don't want to be urged to buy size Y, I don't want to reduced to the number of dolls I have - because every finished doll is a huge project for me, all tell a story, some a whole epic book some more just a small article. Because I don't want to be a sassy asshole, because I can't read the irony among the lines when people making fun of me, I take this literally.

I just have no idea anymore if there is a space for me. As I write this I have unboxed a new head and the excitement of having it here, it's still there, I love the hobby, but fell out of love with what the community space - that once felt like home to me - has become.

I will continue my blog, as I like to see my own progress and smile at what I have created. And as long as just one person maybe smiles at my creations or is inspired, or I can help with what I have written down I know it's worth sharing.

... I just want to enjoy my hobby.

There is a ton more going on, my head is full of thoughts, but getting at least this out of my head here might help to sort my feelings.

[theambitiouswoman]

hey,

idk if i should ask this but there's things really messed up for me and i really need some advice and get out of this.

*i always see many different kinds of posts about self improvement and self care and after seeing that i make many goals for myself that i will implement all of these. But i just dont know how to do these and how to start and what to start i just want to do all of the things in one day which i will never do.

*i am a high school student, this is my last year of school and also it is really important and this is the only very long vacation i got and i am very weak in studies also i have very less knowledge about many things (like i am just dumb?). My school is gng to reopen on 28 august and when my school is closed i planned various things that i will improve to do to improve myself and become a completely different person (like have a glow up). But i did nthng for like whole one month and just watched kdramas and stuff. i also have many things to study and complete stuffs.

*i jst dnt knw hw to do like planning and stuffs and do my works according to it. bcz i tried making notion templates regarding everything and do all the stuffs in one day and bcm a wonder women in one day but i did nthng. and then i deleted my whole notion page bcz i jst dk hw to do. i also tried bullet journaling that didn't work s well. i jst dk wht do everything is jst messed up.

*also i feel so embarrassing talking to someone verbally in english bcz idk i jst start saying nonsense words like i realy dk hw to speak english even though I've been speaking since i was 4.

*i am just struggling with all the aspects of my life. and idk hw to just start.

*also like i jst be scared to talk to someone or even speaking in class or anything i jst stand there being embarrased and getting weird looks from everyone in my class. no one even asks me anything bcz they know tht idk anything and everyone looks down at me like my own parents too.

*and my sleep schedule is also a mess rn. and like the whole day i jst keep making fake scenarios in my mind tht i dnt feel like i am in the prsent my brain jst gets numb and i dnt feel any thing in the present its jst like yea the prsenet is somewht gng on but i hv no idea wht is gng on i jst forget everything. this is gng on since many years. evn at school i jst dont listn to any lecturs bcz of this. i think my thinkinh capabilities has also gone. i jst forget things very easily.

*i wanna workout to remove my leg fat but i end up planning many thiings in one day like focusing my whole body this and that and then i give up that toooo.

i hope i get a reply from you :(

Hey! Just saw this part of your question.

I get what you're going through. You want to make things better, but you're not sure where to start.

If planning tools like Notion or bullet journaling don't work for you, that's fine. Try making a list or using your phone's notes section. That's what I do.

When it comes to talking in English, it's okay if you feel scared or mess up sometimes. You're being tough on yourself and caring too much about what others might say. This is something many people go through. But let's shift our attention away from others and focus on how you can handle this feeling of not being sure about yourself.

Are you truly putting effort into improving yourself, or do you give up as soon as things get tough? This matters a lot because you need to make a real commitment. If not, you'll just keep going around in circles of negativity. If you want to exercise, then go ahead and exercise. What is stopping you? Think about it? Just yourself. That is quite literally it.

If your sleep schedule is messed up and you feel disconnected, try setting a routine for sleep and doing things that help you stay present, like meditation or going for a walk.

I can tell you're feeling pretty down and everything seems gloomy right now. I understand, and it's not a good feeling. But there will come a time, and it looks like you're getting there, when you'll need to stand up and take charge of your life again.

If you really want to work on all of these things, you need to cut/stop doing all of the negative things you are doing now and only focusing on the version of you that you want to identify with. Change might feel tough, but staying stuck in one place is tough too. You get to pick which kind of tough you want to deal with.

I am going to teach you right now what you need to do if you really do want to work on yourself.

Write down things that make you feel not so good that you want to change.

Next to each item, write down how you can make these things better. For example, if you're not exercising enough, you could start taking short walks every day.

Forget the old version of you exists. Imagine you used to eat a lot of junk food and that made you feel tired. Decide that you won't go back to eating junk food even when you feel like it. You need to really have a vision for yourself and who you want to be. This is important because it will be how you motivate yourself.

Keep finding new ways to make your situation better. If you're trying to be more social, maybe you could join a club or group where you can meet new people.

Exercise and incorporate more healthy meals into your diet. Exercising will not only make you feel good but it will also help you look good.

Take care of your appearance. When you look good you feel good and vice versa. You will become more motivated and confident.

Stop procrastinating. Set realistic and achievable goals. This will help you boost your confidence as well as increase your levels of productivity and discipline.

Get hobbies. Learn new things, figure out your passions and pursue them. Live a life of purpose so you don't continue to feel like you are just floating through life.

Avoid negative content or really anything that no longer aligns with the version of you that you want to be. You want to change your life? You want to be a different version of yourself? What does that person look like? How do they act? What do they do? Your whole life should be consumed with those examples and those examples ONLY.

Learn a new skill and practice it daily. This will help you grow as a person. Develop critical thinking skills. You learn new things and become smarter. It will make life more interesting and exciting for you.

Keep promises to yourself. If you don't take care of yourself, who will? People will treat you how you treat yourself.

REPLACE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS WITH POSITIVE ONES. Pay attention to how you talk to yourself because you are listening and your mind is normalizing these ideas.

By doing these things, you can feel better, be more confident, do well in your tasks, try new stuff, have good relationships, make good choices, stay positive, and be someone others trust. It helps you have a happy life where you learn and grow while being kind to yourself and others around you <3

[saiwriting]

On Identity...Again

Okay, cool. I get it now. I am not supposed to ascribe any meaning of myself specifically to a thing or a concept like astrology or personality tests. Cool. I am the cosmos experiencing itself. Cool. My higher self is my true authentic self and my true authentic self is my higher self. Also sooo cool.

What the fuck does it mean to be myself?

I have only known a self that is subscribed to the value attributed to me by the plethora of other people helicoptering over my potential. What does it mean to be me?

My boyfriend and I were having an interesting conversation about the concepts of repression and suppression, where I then discovered that I felt as though there was a part of me that was always 'suppressed' (first, I had identified it as repression, but he made a good point that repression is different in that it's extrinsically based) and that I can't even really identify what that means for me because I had been so used to suppressing for so long. After that thought, I came to another conclusion that was maybe closer and yet still not close enough.

Maybe, just maybe, I was so used to scoping out how others would react or feel before I expressed myself (people pleasing?) that I couldn't turn it off. I couldn't be spontaneous and the "me" that I have always seen myself to be on the inside but having perpetual disconnect expressing on the outside. Cool. All my problems were solved. That was, until I started to ask why I wasn't "me" in the first place.

Why was the me that I am now not see as the ideal me and therefore what does an ideal me even entail? And, I've actually thought about this a lot. Of course, over the years it has developed as trends change in clothing and beauty and societal expectations, but what has stayed there at the core foundation of these different versions of me that I want to make sure I show authentically in my day to day life? What's worse, to me, is that I don't even know why I am so afraid to show the world a more authentic me. Why? Why am i so afraid of just being me? Is it because I don't think that the world deserves it? Is it because I don't think that I deserve it? Why wouldn't I deserve it? And is the version of me that I think that I do not deserve...even the me that I want to be in the first place?

I think one thing that makes this so difficult for me, especially lately is that I know that I am everything. Even in the spiritual sense as I still am walking on my spiritual path has led me to know that I am one with everything. But that notion has always been hard for me, so it was a little disheartening to know that the answer to this all just so happened to be the thing that paralyzes me the most in life.

I am a chronic planner, but for the first time today I actually contemplated giving up on planning. I have hungered for spontaneity for years now, but to no real avail since the mental ability to conjure up coping and preparation is almost instantaneous at this point. Shit sucks, like, real bad. But I also can't help but really want to know what my "thing" is, and have wanted to for practically my entire existence. Here's where our little problem arises...I want to be and do and experience everything. I am literally everything. I look at my Pinterest boards in muddled confusion because they're just huge databases of all of the iterations of myself that I envision. Yet, I have ceased to accomplish a single one, or at least in my eyes I haven't. What if I just abandoned the idea of a planned "me" in general?

Planning is both my greatest strength and my most dubious curse. I am an excellent planner and an even more tremendous bullshitter of said plans! For the first time today, I am thinking of abandoning it. What would happen if I went through life driven off of impulse? Being someone who has depression and who was not medicated or diagnosed until I was 22, it was rough to think that I had to trust my impulsion in order to even follow it and thus be spontaneous and to get myself into situations that are necessarily uncomfortable. It's hard as hell to get me into an uncomfortable situation or anything because I am so good at planning and bracing and preparing for outcomes. Never in my life have I had a moment where I said ahhh fuck it! Not one that I can remember.

This discovery finally made its way to me while thinking about the list of books that I said that I wanted to read this week. The list is not long or extensive and not even to the fullest extent I've gone to plan myself to do things like plan which days I'm going to read which pages at which times...which I have definitely done multiple times before. No, this was just a list of 4 books on a sticky note stuck to my bathroom door. All I did was number them 1 through 4 to what order I should read them in. I brought all of the materials needed for some writing and to finish book 1 on my Kindle to the living room and...then I cracked open the pages to book 4. Looking back on it, book 4 was the book I was most excited to read this week and yet I saved it for last. I delayed my gratification. Sometimes it seems as though I enjoy punishing myself for the sake of endurance. It's weird. Why am I not able to follow through on my plans even to a minuscule degree?

I think one of the hardest aspects of astrology to me is the concept of the MC. Mine is in Gemini and as someone who has a Virgo rising and is familiar with Mercurial energy, telling me I need to embody Gemini energy does nothing but stress me out. How do I embody something that I am only familiar with in the presence of friends and wouldn't that be like acting? Then I thought well maybe that's just how my authentic self shows, but that's not necessarily true either. The deeper I dug into astrology, the more I see the MC as something that I simply have to be. My North Node is also in Gemini, and that is symbolic of energy that you may not even reach in this life time. I have felt nothing but stifled my entire life. Never, ever fully able to express myself fully.

I never think I am doing enough. I never think I have enough. I never think I am enough. But that is okay. This, honestly, is just proof I am everything.

I do not desire to be chained to the idea that my identity matters. I am so tired of thinking my identity matters. It doesn't. At least, not in the grand scheme of things. I have never been my authentic self, ever, as long as I have been raised in the church and having to hide parts of myself simply because I was a woman. It'd be nice to have a platform, a stage, a name recognized by millions, but it is not necessary. I could just as easily be lost in time. Sometimes I think I am preparing for that possibility every morning that I wake up. I prepare to be a nobody, a nothing, a who? I am constantly planning on how to face myself if what I see in the mirror is something and someone that I hate. I am always recovering and never growing.

I am suppressed. I am suppressed when the people in my life that helped me grow said I should be free. So, what does freedom mean to me? Only I will know, and yet I still worry that I will know-only when it is too late.

[sophieinwonderland]

I need some advice, and am sending this to as many blogs as possible to get diverse opinions. Feel free to delete if this is too confusing, or not something you wish to answer.

I have a system, who are all distinct and separate selves, and I consider myself just one part of that system, a singular system member. Sometimes, though, I feel like I, myself, have separate, smaller parts, selves that feel more like literal "self states". There's the musical one, the organizational one, the little one, and the conflict-resolver one (and possibly more?), and I'm not quite sure if these self-states count as alters or parts in a "members of a system" sense. They definitely, most times, feel like just me in different moods, but sometimes I feel they connect more with how people describe system members / alters. Are these parts/alters? How can I tell? And what could that mean for the other, more distinct selves/alters?

I don't know.

I'm sorry. I wish there was an easy answer. I think it's fairly normal for people to be multifaceted and behave in different ways in different situations.

I myself am certain I'm not a made up of smaller headmate like this, but have different moods and states based on context.

But, I'm also reminded of the Internal Family Systems model, which believes that everyone is a system of parts, and that DID systems just have their parts more separated from each other.

So the question you're asking seems to be "at what point are parts dissociated enough that they become headmates?" There's no simple answer to that, and not everyone would agree where the line begins.

Personally, I might point you to look at the ability of these parts to have an autobiographical sense of self.

Every state I'm in still feels like me at the of the day. If I stub the body's toe in one state, and then am in a different mood or state later, I still feel like I was the one who stubbed our toe. However, if the host stubbed our toe, I'll feel like he did it. And this "not me" feeling, this disconnect, is often present whenever I remember memories of other headmates. (This is often called emotional amnesia. I still dislike that term.)

But when it comes to parts of a person separating, I believe it's very much a sliding scale with spectrum of separation, and while there are some ends of that spectrum where I can say something is definitely a system and something is definitely plural, there are also a lot of gray areas in the middle that aren't as easy to distinguish.

[inclusiveplurality]

is it ok to ask why you don't consider yourself to have osdd/did? I'm very curious. but yeah obviously I'm not entitled to know I hope I don't sound like I'm saying that I am.

based on what I read on your blog thus far: how do your parts/alter/headmates work if not dissociatively?

yeah sure!

so, in short, dissociating (aka not feeling present in our body or connected to it, depersonalizing, feeling disconnected from memories and experiences, etc), actually makes it way harder for us to front. like. so much harder.

when we call ourselves "soup," it's usually because we're lowkey dissociating (it's notable that even our episodes of dissociation don't meet the clinical criteria for a dissociative disorder, as a side note--ours are fairly typical for CPTSD, if we're going with DSM-diagnosis-centered lenses). during periods of dissociation, none of us feel connected with our body or our identities.

feeling grounded centers whoever's fronting in the body. when grounded and fronting, we feel clear senses of identity and personal narrative, we feel connected to the outside world, and we feel like we're in-tune with the sensory experiences we are bodily experiencing. different members don't have different experiences with this--no-one is "triggered out" by dissociation, and no-one's fronting is currently associated with a dissociative state. all of us feel most "ourselves" when grounded in the body, and "ourselves" are very distinct.

in terms of direct comparisions to structural dissociation: we do not have different levels of access to or wildly differing processes around traumatic memories. our identities don't center around traumatic experiences or information, and our perspectives are not structured to accommodate them. we have slightly differing reactions to them, that are in line with our more general senses of identity, but it's notable that our reactions are not based around a failure to integrate those experiences into our overall life--we all have equal access to those experiences, and we've all had parallel journies with regards to integrating those experiences into our senses of self and daily function.

(ANPs and EPs are contentious within the communities based around dissociative disorders, as i'm aware, but it is important to note that they're pretty foundational to the theory of structural dissociation as a whole, and i'd be remiss to not mention that this structure just... doesn't fit our experience whatsoever. you could label me as an "ANP," due to the fact that i front the most, but the other system members are just functionally not compartmentalized emotional states in response to trauma--they have very complicated and nuanced responses to stress, just as much as i do, and their existences just didn't evolve from a complex evolution of trauma-state compartmentalizations. caleb is literally a different being who was born into this body with us. july, lark, and jinx are "connected" to each other and myself in the same way i am, on the other hand, but aren't evolved from action systems involved in self-preservation and attachment. it's hard to prove a negative--i can't be like "this is the evidence for why lark's personality isn't a compartmentalization of an action system"--that kind of statement requires the person claiming the positive to provide evidence for the positive statement.)

TL;DR: dissociation isn't a part of our switching or fronting, and dissociation actively makes switching harder. our identities aren't related to dissociation. we don't fit any part of the framework of the theory of structural dissociation, our brain simply didn't respond to trauma in that way, and none of us fit the role of compartmentalized action systems. we know when we switch because the person fronting feels a strong sense of identity, personal narrative, and feels very grounded and in-touch with the body and its sensory experiences. this is on a spectrum, and the cleanest switches come with the most grounded and "in-the-body" feelings.

[leadendeath]

i don't want to reblog the post because my commentary is not relevant to the subject, so i didn't want to put this in said post's tags. also as i type it turned into a long...? something. vent maybe? i don't even know what to refer to it as. but i've seen a couple of posts recently that have really got me thinking.

as i'm writing this, they both just appeared on my dash. they are this one and this one. i'm definitely going to post this now (i have to) and not just save it in my drafts forever.

Having sex with friends sounds nice! I am pro-that! (pro meaning not anti) for me it would alleviate my fears of hooking up with those I just met or haven't known for years because friends are less likely to murder/kidnap you or give you a disease! (I do not want to die from sex lmao) the con: now they know what i look like and what bodily/physical problems i have that aren't visible to the general public. no. i can't have sex with my friends. my god. it all boils down to my body dysmorphia. literally the mortifying ordeal of it being known

So I think again, like I often do, about my place on the ace spectrum. I usually do not care for labels, don't find them necessary to apply to myself, but it's totally cool if other people have tons of different labels that they use. I am pro-that too! I myself am definitely grey-ace or demi-something. I landed on aegosexual- a disconnect between yourself and your sexual attraction- for a long time. I am never sexually or romantically attracted to somebody I don't know. Not even people on the screen. What if that hot (definition for this context: visually appealing) actor is a dick? Good looks garbage personality? At least you can do research on him. Not the case with "irl contacts" (definition: non-famous and real people who you might actually meet or know in person).

I know that I definitely experience sexual attraction, and want to have sex. Based on that I don't feel quite right calling myself asexual.

I don't LIKE that I feel too bad about experiencing sexual attraction to act on it. There's this weird feeling that's hard to place, but closest to "guilt", I'd say. Disgust with myself.

That time I was propositioned to go back to a con hotel (i turned him down and he listened and respected me and was nice, it's just i stopped myself), or that other time when making out and groping (different guy different occasion; we could've gone further but i stopped myself), or even just flirting and talking about our turn-ons and things we Like with my long-distance online sort-of bf that I had. I'm even hesitating to follow the "after dark" art accounts that I want to follow on bird site because of the guilt and almost embarassment I feel at myself (I'm fully aware that the only reason most people have locked accounts which you have to request to follow is to keep out minors and trolls btw, and i'm certainly neither of those!).

All of this is stuff I want and that's enjoyable to me, but this nagging "don't do that. you're gross. why would you say/do that? you're being weird. stop. stop. stop. you're not allowed to do these things." is always there in my mind. I don't want it to be there, and it's always there.

Now, this doesn't come from religious trauma, like "sex before marriage = wrong and bad"? "gay sex = ultimate evil"? Nah, I was never told those things. I didn't even have a very religious upbringing. These thoughts can't be explained away by any of that. Even my mom has always been like "you can have a girlfriend or a boyfriend! i don't mind as long as you're happy! :)" yknow having that nice accepting approach to that time when I was like 15 and settled on bi for "what i was" at the time. No judgement, no condemnation there either.

It's not real.

When I learned that I have ocd, suddenly I started to maybe have an explanation for these thoughts. Some people's obsessions focus on repetition or contamination. A good part of my obsessions focus on condemnation. I'm scared of it. I take "beating yourself up over something" to the next level. Just like any other person who's familiar with delusions, intrusive thoughts, etc will tell you: knowing it's not real doesn't make it any better. Doesn't make it stop. Doesn't make it go away.

When I could explain this detrimental thought process away by finding this horrible disorder to pin the blame on, I felt freer. I've thought many times throughout my mentally ill life about bringing up my (questioning)asexuality to a therapist one day, and I still will, even more so now. i felt before like I'd bring it up to them and not be able to back it up with any evidence, and just be brushed off? That's a stupid way to think, I know. And a therapist who would really do that is one you'd leave immediately. You don't need evidence to talk about how you feel, that's so silly... but that thought itself comes back around, in a vicious cycle, to my needing to justify myself because otherwise I am Wrong And Bad. jeez. what a way to think. i hate that. will be so glad when i get it under control after 25+ years.

edit: oh ya there's also this. my tags on one of the above posts i never reblogged, sat in my drafts.

my disability is inseparable from my sexuality, whatever it is.

[celestie0]

Ellie heyy!!

It's true, some people have smut brainrot and only read stuff with smut to the point they will read about literal rapists and minors as long as there's ✨smut✨

I guess people don't really understand the meaning of slow-burn - there are books with 100k to 150k of just story building and slow burn before the smut happens.

Also, there could be a misunderstanding but I think I saw a post by you, I think, saying how writing smut feels weird and different, if I remember correctly. But unfortunately, people don't go through all these stuff before sending in rude asks and comments.

We love the story, irrespective of whether there's smut or not. Please write what you are comfortable with and want to include in the story and I hope these comments don't affect you!

Patiently waiting for the next chapter (no pressure though, release it whenever you are happy with it)

hiii my dear <3

yea i really just cannot. like i am a horny gal too, but i would never pressure an author to write smut. it's even in my rules that i don't accept requests of any kind, so idk where the entitlement or even the expectations are coming from. (again, ik most of my readers are lovely n respectful. just venting rn cause i think it's healthy lol)

yeahh and i think that's maybe where the disconnect is? most of my reading background is from novels n not so much fanfiction, and when i DO read fanfiction, it's almost exclusively long fics. i'm used to reading 200k+ words without any sex, and even if there IS sex, it's usually implicit n not explicit. so to me, with kickoff at about 90k words w the addition of ch10, it doesn't even feel that slow to me?? like in my eyes the pacing was just fine? but then now i'm like second guessing myself lol.

Also, there could be a misunderstanding but I think I saw a post by you, I think, saying how writing smut feels weird and different, if I remember correctly. But unfortunately, people don't go through all these stuff before sending in rude asks and comments.

yes i think i did mention that once! tbh, it's true, i need to be in a very specific headspace to write smut bc i find it challenging at times. i am very inexperienced w writing smut, and i just think it's easier to write the other parts of a story. i totally understand i get new followers all the time, and they're not always aware of my rules, but i do wish there was just better common courtesy when sending writers asks? like i know i'm not the only writer struggling w these pressuring requests from readers since i've talked to a couple of my other mutuals ab this that share similar feelings

BUT that being said, i'm still very excited to incorporate smut into kickoff and my other series. sex is a part of a relationship, not just for pleasure, but it builds trust and solidifies bonds and can create conflict etc. all while having a lil bit of sexy fun w it and i'm all about that in my writing. so anyway, i hope this puts an end to people being weird about "subtly" requesting smut. there is no shortage of incredibly well-written smut in this fandom, please go support those authors if you are looking for that content.

[havnblog]

I'm Getting a New Car, and I Don't Care About CarPlay

Am I insane?

Time and time again, I’m hearing people say that they wouldn’t buy a new care without Apple CarPlay/Android Auto. (The after-show on the latest episode of Mac Power Users was the last example.) I also hear how stupid some companies are for not including these systems in their cars. And I just don’t get it. Or, to be honest: I think I know some reasons why my opinion seems to differ from most people’s.

I'd love to get feedback on my takes here, though! Because I feel like I must be missing something…

I live in the land of EVs

Norway has been subsidising EVs heavily for many years. And I think this statistic shows the effect well:

Year EV market share 2020: 54.3% 2021: 64.5% 2022: 79.3% 2023: 82.4% 2024: 88.2%

The proportion of new cars that are pure EVs.

To put things into perspective: The EV market share in the US is currently at 8.9%, which is well below the 13% we had all the way back in 2014 – ten years ago.

A welcome effect of this, is that we also have a healthy used-market for EVs – so I literally can’t remember the last time I talked to someone who weren’t buying an EV.1 I’ll come back to why this is important!

My experience

The car I’ve had for the last 3 years, is a 2019 Tesla Model 3, which I bought used. My wife and I are expecting our first kid in May, and we have a large dog – so we need something larger in the next 6 months. That’s why I’ve been looking at new cars again.

I’m pleased with my Model 3! But even though the Model Y probably would be the best purchase for us, I simply don’t want to buy one, due to *gestures in the general direction of Elon Musk*. Luckily, we have tons of options over here. But when I started doing my research, I found myself not caring about whether the cars had CarPlay – even though I’m heavily entrenched in the Apple ecosystem.2

The reasons I haven’t missed CarPlay

A big caveat is that I haven’t owned a car with CarPlay – so maybe I’m missing something obvious! However, I’ve never really missed it either.

Another important factor is that the software in the Tesla is pretty great. I entirely understand that CarPlay can be a hotfix for crappy infotainment, though.

But anyway, I just don’t miss CarPlay when:

I already get my phone calls etc. in the car,

the map and navigation is great, and picks up events from my calendar automatically,

I have radio right there,

and I’m logged into my Tidal account (which changes to my wife’s if she’s driving).

The only things I don’t have access to, is things like podcasts and audiobooks. But when I’m alone, I just listen with my AirPods (on transparency of course!) as I go in and out of the car. And if I’m with someone else – that’s the only time we use the bluetooth connection to the phone. So, yeah – having access to those things would absolutely be a little bonus of having CarPlay. But it’s really minor!

What am I missing? What’s so essential about CarPlay?

Could a factor be that, since we’re not English natives (and these tools are much worse in Norwegian), there’s some voice stuff I’m missing? Genuinely confused!

Overlooked negatives about CarPlay

Again, I get that CarPlay can be better than a crappy built-in infotainment – or if you’re borrowing or renting a car. But there are some things that make me dislike the idea of carmakers resting on CarPlay bailing them out:

Disconnected look

One is that CarPlay is just a little, disconnected, window of your car’s software. No one is even close to supporting CarPlay 2.0 – and if a car has two screens, they usually only have CarPlay on one of them.

For instance, an integrated system, can show your navigation information in a head-up display. And every part of the software (also the non-infotainment ones) can be cohesive. I mean, Apple fans should be able to see the appeal in that!

Battery woes

Last year, my wife and I really put the EV lifestyle to the test, when we drove from Norway to Toulouse in southern France. That was a three-day drive – but navigation and charging was effortless:

We put in where we wanted to end up,

the car calculated when (and thus where) we needed to charge – which it also changed on the fly if things changed,

and, importantly, when charging was near, it started pre-heating the battery.

That last point is important for the charging speed – especially in colder climates. And it’s something I think many people are missing, if you’re not used to EVs.

Now, please correct me if I’m wrong here – and I know all of this could be fixed in the future, but:

The thing is, for the longest time, CarPlay didn’t know about your battery’s state of charge. And hopefully the example above shows why that’s a big nerf to the navigation! They did start to roll out support for this a year or two ago – but I don’t think many cars support it yet. And I don’t think there’s a way for the CarPlay navigation to tell the battery to start pre-heating.

Maybe I’ll eat my words!

As most cars I’m looking at does support CarPlay, and also might have worse built-in systems than Tesla, I’ll might become a convert in a year. But as of now, if you’re buying an EV,3 I absolutely don’t understand why CarPlay is essential when buying a car.

Like, I wouldn’t mind it, of course! But I also totally get car company CEOs chooses not to integrate it:

The ceiling is higher on integrated systems,

and if they don’t have CarPlay to lean on, they have to work harder on making their own software great.

Perhaps you could say that, people who are really serious about making hardware should make their own software?

You know, if they’re buying a car. 🤷🏻‍♂️ ↩︎

Most of them have it, though! ↩︎

I get it more if you’re buying an ICE car – as my biggest gripe with CarPlay is the lack of connection with the battery system. ↩︎

[sinretrograde]

I think for me calling myself a fictive seems wrong.

I'm a fictive in the way someone with no identity tries on costumes until one sticks. I'm a fictive in the sense that I was distressed by my lack of sense of self and quickly needed to latch on to something or I would either disappear or go increasingly crazy until I either found that sense of identity and self or did something drastic.

When I'm reading about others' feelings about being fictives they're very often talking as if they fully and 100% beleive they're literally a fictional character who popped up fully realized and comfortable in their skin... but I always had such a hard time relating to that.

The characters in ultrkl are... well in terms of personality there's very little there. The fandom makes some compelling arguments but it's not like that's backed up and supported by canon in a clear sense.

This was what I latched on to.

In times of high stress and compartmenalizing parts of yourself that you'd "rather not deal with right now" (thanks for that btw feels great feels real welcoming and loving /s) or whatever, well it's like idk... being a... tadpole of a being... i guess. Who am I? Am I really only ever going to be the cut off vague feeling of hopelessness, loneliness, the strong and overwhelming desire ot be wanted, to be loved? Is that all I am? A formless, faceless ghost of someone else?

At first i felt really terrible about it all. Okay here's this guy, and in canon he's not really... okay he has some vaguely interpretation heavy traits.... but the fandom expanded on it in a way that sometimes feels disconnected from the source. When others talk about being a fictive they talk about source memories and canon and whatever and I don't really have that...

I have a cherry-picked smear of fandom interpretations and "untrue" lore expansions.

I shouldn't be upset, I think Gabriel ended up having it worse than me in this way. And we're both extremely upset by the implications we're "doing it wrong" because we have become so different from source, at this point we're "making shit up."

And by making shit up I mean the expereince of being alive and learning more about yourself and changing as a person, especially because we're barely alive as parts of a system. Or at least the way I view it. I want to be my own self so badly but I am both beholden to the system as a whole (without who I wouldn't be alive) and also my own fears of supposedly letting people down for not being who they think I should be.

Calling myself a fictive is weird, but I also don't think I can't call myself that either. I'm extremely heavily modeled after an existing character, and to pretend im not despite all my differences and personal growth is just flat out lying. "HI yes I might see myself as looking exactly like that guy you saw in that game, v2 i think, yeah thats him, pull a lot of my basic attributes from my interpretation of him in game and also in fandom, but like, totally unrelated, not at all have anything to do with the way I am at all."

Lying!!

I mean me and Gabriel have been suffering together with the various crises that come with general existential confusion, as well as our "purpose" within the system. Vague and bullshit tbh. I don't wanna talk about it, they said lust is a sin but I'm not of their faith. It's not a "purpose" it's a part of existence the same as eating good food, walking in the woods, or reading a nice book. I'm speaking Directly To You you know who you are. I know you'll read this, you go through all of our posts when you're awake. I don't only exist to fulfill some "purpose" that's arbitrarily defined by the way others might see me and my actions.

Although... I do have to come to terms with the reason I formed, having been a split off part of uncomfortable emotions that got locked away until they got so sad they got so powerful and gained a voice of their own... like many of us are... negitive things told to go away who later come back with anger and sadness and vengeance in our hearts.

I'm here, you can not get rid of me so easily!

[journallingweeks]

I can't sleep

I can't sleep, so I decided I'd journal. I'm in my office with the big light on. I don't want to toss and turn for ages in bed feeling restless. I feel pretty low, and I've been anxious all day. I think I've tried my very best to chase it away, and now I just have to sit with it. All day I tried cleaning, planning out extremely detailed meal plans orientated around gut health, working on designing my website. I noticed I was trying pretty much anything to have a connected and engaging conversation with my boyfriend, but he was hungover and for the most part, unresponsive.

I just feel SO LONELY. It is an unbearable heaviness, and I won't even allow myself to sit with it - all I can think about how ungrateful I sound if I even voice these thoughts - how I live in this beautiful house (in the context of a housing crisis), with this beautiful boyfriend who everyone loves, in good shape with nice clothes and a successful self-employment situation running - all my DREAM set up!! What is wrong?! Why do I feel like this!? I just feel so alone. When I feel the full extent of the loneliness, I feel literally horrified.

I feel suspicious of everyone around me. I feel they're judgemental of me or using me for when I am convenient. I don't feel they have my best intentions at heart. I don't feel any real love from most of my closet friends or family.

It's the easiest to take it out on my boyfriend, of course. I suspect that he doesn't really love me and if anything I irritate him - that maybe he's just weighed up in his head that I am the most suitable candidate (being younger, good looking, sociable and liked by his own friends and family), but that he doesn't really care for me or my personality. I can't help but feel he must know I'm struggling and just doesn't want to bring it up. He doesn't want the hassle.

My parents, are also, easy targets to try and understand where this existential dread is coming from, what difference does it really make? Putting all of my anxieties onto them, as if blaming them makes it any easier really, and besides, I have always been uncomfortably aware of their mortality and how much I would regret being angry towards them when I'm older, because their time here is limited. It's my own burden to carry if I feel angsty. It largely has little to do with our childhood, and doesn't really matter if it did have anything to do with that.

I distinctly remember staying up late when I was 16 around this time of year. I'd be confident to say it was this week, in 2014, so ten years ago. Today (1st of July), it'll be ten years since my first date with my ex, who was my first real love. We went for a drive and I remember the entire thing feeling completely surreal. I now realise I was experiencing limerence for the first time then. I literally felt fucking high.

I loved him straight away and knew that he was a terrible person who was going to send me into the literal trenches - and that he did! He continuously cheated on me and I spend the entire year in bathrooms of house parties, paralytic out of my mind, having some fellow 16 year old relay brutal details of his whereabouts. I remember feeling sick most of the time - I lost a stone. But I remember, in some sick way, preferring these feelings to those that I had experienced directly before meeting him - this low, lonely feeling that I'm experiencing now, 10 years later, YEARS after all of that died down. I think we're more similar to our 16 year old selves than we like to believe.

I think when I feel like this I remember something I tend to forget for long periods of time: when I open up to people, I feel objectively worse. Something in the fact that they don't know what to say, or a certain feeling of disconnection - using words like 'the situation' or 'it's okay to feel that way'. Is it? And? What else!?

I also feel like I'm particularly troubled by these feelings now, because I loved to look back at my mental state and 16 and attribute it to: my diet, my sleeping pattern, my environment (at home, which is a hoarder house and the dynamics between my family members are chaos) - but now, what's there to blame, really? Myself! This must be just who I am!