#i am seeing a psychiatrist about this new development of The Others

[quidam-sirenae]

Vaguely communicated with wishbone from the brain today. We decided that she is, whether or not I like it, part of the brain and all three of us have to be around to not be empty. She was also happy for the first time which was nice. We’re gonna try and keep her that way. She stuck around for scripture study tonight which is the longest she’s stuck around while I’ve been clear, so that’s nice, and she finally realizes how badly scripture study effects me, so we have an understanding of why I’ve done what I’ve done, though I’m not that clear rn. I’ve lost hope of just going back to normal, so instead I’ve started talking to the brain parts. Whatever the fuck is wrong in my brain, the online says that it doesn’t hurt to talk to the pieces even if they are a hallucination. So. I guess we’ve reached an understanding. Which has been good.

[saintsenara]

there is so much new stuff on your blog that i need to catch up with omg and i swear i will get to it BUT. BUT FIRST. i have a question (which, funnily, is really relevant to my actual offline life rn): if tom riddle was a doctor, what specialty would he practice? [he gives me major neurosurgery vibes] and, more laterally, what do you think makes a good surgeon? as in, what kind of personality types fare the best in a surgical program?

now this is the sort of content i like to see!

while i can certainly see good old dr riddle [bmbch oxon] very much enjoying having a rummage around in a patient's cranium, he strikes me as someone who would prefer specialties on the medical, rather than surgical, spectrum - and, especially, would like specialties which require a lot of sifting through evidence and solving mysteries. he's clearly a puzzle girly [why else would he spend his teenage years coming up with anagrams of his own name?] and so i think he'd very much like the parts of his job which allowed him to spend half his time running a lot of invasive tests on people and the other half skulking in a lab getting an enormous amount of money to run research projects...

so he's applying for:

haematology

aka: staring at blood - which is right up his alley. his particular interest is coagulation disorders in pregnant women - and their contribution to these women dying in childbirth.

histopathology

aka: staring at slices of tissue. he's determined to find out whether or not the soul resides in the liver.

neuropathology

i think we can all picture him presiding over a collection of brains preserved in formalin. one of them is dumbledore's.

forensic pathology

cutting up corpses by order of the state? he's in! his team of graduate students have conned several million out of the wellcome trust and are spending it trying to reanimate their specimens.

forensic psychiatry

because while if you want to be a good psychiatrist you need an iron will and well-developed sense of empathy, if you want to be a bad one you need to be able to gaslight, gatekeep, and girlboss. and our tom's got that nailed...

now.

the above flippancy is about to make me look quite bad, because i am also a puzzle girly, and i like medicine precisely for the sort of mystery solving and research paper publishing it enables. but i'm not a mass-murderer, which i feel it's important to clarify...

i'm not a surgeon either - i didn't struggle with the gory bits of the work, i just didn't find any of the surgical specialties i shadowed during my training particularly compelling in re: that element of mystery.

while the reputation they sometimes have - especially on tv - for being scalpel-wielding jocks isn't accurate, it's certainly true that the defining trait you need as a surgeon is total, unshakeable conviction. in all medical specialities outside of emergency medicine you have the option to adopt a wait-and-see approach a lot of the time - but you do not have this option if you've got someone open on the table in front of you. you need to be enormously decisive, capable of tunnel-vision, incredibly good under pressure, and also a little bit arrogant - the only way you can get through the terror of knowing that you're responsible for slicing and dicing someone [particularly in specialties like neonatal surgery or neurosurgery] is to believe unquestioningly that you're going to smash it.

these are probably all traits you already possess - they're certainly something it benefits all doctors to have, in moderation - and they can also be learned and honed through practise, but they're going to be most crucial in surgery because - the vast majority of the time - your issue won't be working out what's wrong with a patient, it'll be pulling off the operation without a hitch.

surgeons still get to do academic work, clinical research and so on, but if you think you want to be a surgeon, you really have to like that slicing and dicing, in-and-out aspect of the work. if you can't see yourself performing thousands upon thousands of the same operation, it's not for you.

[judesmoonbeauty]

What are your thoughts about the other suitors and how would you rate them on a scale of 1- Jude?

Thanks for the ask, and first let me just say that I think all of the Vil guys are great. There isn’t a single one that I don’t like in some way or another.

Rating them on a scale of 1 - Jude……I guess I’m rating them in terms of how much I see them as LI’s, with Jude being a (10)? I won’t include Vogel because they are so new, but I will say that out of the three, I prefer: Nica, Ring and Darius. In that order.

William: Rating 5: He is such a gentleman to me, and he is sexy as hell. But, he’s simply not my villain. Will is….my bff I get manis done with and confide my life’s problems to. He’s like my psychiatrist? Still, I really appreciate how his lovers desires are important to them and encourages one to express themselves in general. I think that’s important in any relationship.

Harrison: Rating 4 - Harry is my super cool, aloof guy friend that I say hi to as I pass him by in the hall. He is sweet, hot and a total green flag sans the habitual lies, but I think it’s because he’s so green (I feel) that he’s simply not my villain. I love him in events though and how he can be a little mean to the MC. I also got emotional during his second wedding story.

Liam: Rating 6 - Meow meow. Oh my precious baby. Liam is just someone I can connect with emotionally, and he himself is so emotionally intelligent. I love how he can just pick up on things and he is often, as one of my friends who is a MAJOR Liam simp puts it, the voice of reason in the room. I honestly just fell in love with him on the first chapter and not to mention he is warped….I dig warped.

Elbert: Rating 7 - Elle is just…can I please put him in my pocket and protect him? He is so kind, tender and just precious. He doesn’t want to cause anyone pain, and I really love how protective he can be. He is quiet, soft-spoken and mellow. His presence is literally healing, and as greedy as he is, he is just as generous (I feel). Seeing him grow to the point of speaking up and putting his foot down just makes my heart swell.

Alfons: Rating 7 - Ally and I got off on the wrong foot, but I’ve come to love him. He truly cares for the MC in his very own unique way, and he is def the jelly type and I love that in f/o. But his character develops in such a wonderful way. Plus, he is fine asf. I got so emotional during his Wedding part 2 event. He’s won my heart over, so much so, that I am planning to create an OC for him eventually. Hm, maybe I should come to terms with it and bump him up to an 8?

Roger: Rating 4 - He’s a great guy! Still, Roger is very much a big brother to me. He is very insightful, fun, and totally dedicated. I wish I had a big bro like him in my life (I’m the eldest.) We'd go to the pub all the time for steak and ale.

Ellis: Ranking 9: My baby briar thorn. Oh, he is so warped, cute, sweet, selfish and I adore him. Ellis is just a very interesting character because his desires tend to conflict with each other, and as time goes on we see him grow more and more selfish and possessive, and again that is my cup of tea. He is also an extremely hard worker, has life goals and is extremely competent. Plus, I love his relationship dynamics with Harry, Roger and Jude. Seeing Ellis makes me…..happy.

Victor: Ranking 5 - Not because he isn’t mysterious, villainous, caring, silly, a Mary Sue, and drop dead gorgeous, but because I simply don’t know a ton about him. Does he lie and have secrets? Yes. Will he do anything to protect Crown? Sure. I think he has potential to rise in the LI rating department, but I need more information. One thing is for sure. I’m protective as hell over him, especially when it comes to Darius and his dislike of Vivi.

Anyway, I think each of the villains we love just clicks with us. While I was interested in Jude, I don’t think I chose Jude the day I rolled his five star card. I feel like the spiteful fairy chose me…and my wallet has been in the sweetest hell ever since.

[books-with-jules]

I NEVER PROMISED YOU A ROSE GARDEN

by Joanne Greenberg

Psychology, Dark, Emotional, Slow-Paced

★★★★★(4.75)

i never promised you a rose garden is a slow-paced, semi autobiographical novel in which Greenberg gives her readers insight into the schizophrenic mind of teenage girl, Deborah Blau in approximately 1948 to 1951, written originally in 1964. Many describe the story as Deborah's three-year battle with schizophrenia, but it really is specifically the confrontation with her inner world, understanding its roots, and understanding that there is a world beyond that she can be a more present part of. She has battled for much longer than three years, but this book is watching her regressions and recoveries as she understands herself and her place.

The writing style and vocabulary used was eloquent and college-level, and painted a vast outer and inner setting, which was very important as the character's state of mind and mental space is an important part of understanding the plot. The plot is realistic in terms of the non-linear road to mental "unsick" and health. The story is character driven and, in tandem with the plot, of course, complex and rocky. I love the psychiatrist, Furii, and I thoroughly enjoyed Miss Carol's appearances throughout the story, and there are no characters who I feel could have been developed better. Everything felt well done and tied together very well. The ending was perfect; I only wish we got to see a little of Deborah's family relationship dynamics and how they change with her resolution.

Reading a novel about a teenage girl with schizophrenia and getting to see some of the inner workings from an author who has experience with the illness as someone who lives with it is unique to read because a lot of time the portrayal is based on second hand experience and, like autism, may reflect all of the negatively viewed traits, rather than show every aspect objectively. My own personal quarrel with the mental illness part is as an unlicensed, book-educated reader, it seems as if Deborah is actually suffering from a delusional disorder of sorts, not of schizophrenia specifically, but the book was written in 1964, and as I've said, I am not a licensed professional and cannot give official input.

The writing style gives a feel like the author learned or mostly communicated in English in college-level or professional settings and, likewise, used complex language that made reading a bit tricky to navigate and retain at first, but I learned many new words, so that's a plus. The writing flowed smoothly and the way Greenberg described everything felt prose-y in some places and poetic in others. Her descriptions made for intricate visualizations and much empathy with all the emotion with her language.

The plot is very much character-driven, being that we are following Deborah's road to mental stability. I appreciate her struggle to come to terms with many of her beliefs that she came to understand were characteristic of the inner reality she's lived for so long and breaking away to find her footing in reality as someone without strong delusions understands it. She gets better and she gets worse. She moves on from being a slave to her own mind and creations to taking more control and also asking for help when she feels she is losing it. We see her regressions and her recoveries, and there is more than one hill to climb because progress is never linear, not in the real world. The plot is beautiful and terrible. It is a great, intense read.

I've never been in a mental hospital or rehabilitation center, so I don't personally know of the customs, but Greenberg does a beautiful job of explaining and reiterating the social norms of the wards, what behavior is "allowed", not "allowed", How different life seems in the wards and what life in the "real world" looks like from inside those doors. I can understand the mental aspect of life looking different for everyone else versus the patients, who see hope for it as useless, who don't understand that it has its ups and downs, and who see returning patients as sort of failures. Bouncing between wards is different from being out in the world and hospitalization, but "B" wards are a bit afraid of patients who make it back down from "D" ward. As I said, I don't know from experience, but reading this work really put me in there and made me understand exactly what it was like at that time. I don't know if there is a better book to help someone comprehend inpatient in midcentury USA, the turning point of psychology there.

I have a deep appreciation for Furii, Deborah's psychiatrist, for her depression understanding of how to navigate the sessions, work around Deborah's episodes and temperaments, which can make talk sessions very hard with her mind sometimes clouding or outright blocking her from talking about her made-up world and all its secrets. However, Furii, as long as both she and Deborah both felt like Deborah was not a lost cause and wanted to get better, Furii is determined to help Deborah work through all of her symptoms and find healthy coping mechanisms to replace them. The relationship is beautiful, well-meaning.

I think my favorite character is Miss Carol. She is described to be an old, white-haired, 90 pound woman who can launch mattresses during her episodes. She's an accomplished woman, a mathematician of sorts, I believe, and a returning patient. There are a few examples of returning patients and their places in life outside of the hospital. These examples serve as eventual realities that Deborah faces of having mental illness and understanding that progress isn't linear (this is a favorite theme of mine in this book and in life). There is also Doris Rivera, who we are not told how she makes a living or what her life looks like. We, the readers and the characters, only know that she was the goal and envy of the ward, and her returning brought a doubt to the ward about getting better and being part of society because of the expectation that you get better and you stay better. Deborah then makes a friend, Carla, who is a returning patient and, after becoming an outpatient and a returning patient, herself, understands the struggle of conforming and keeping up with life, stresses, and other regular, recurring issues in everyday life.

There was this understanding of not asking people why they are there, not asking returning patients why they had to come back, and not having prying conversations without the other being explicitly willing to give this information. Life is an experience that cannot always be conveyed in words. It was more like they had to live it to understand why they were returning. Again, progress isn't linear and while the patients probably understood this, or at least some of them who have went back and forth from the wards, within the confines of the hospital, life also works in this way and they could not ask, and the patients would not have the words to answer at that time.

All in all, i never promised you a rose garden, by Joanne Greenberg, was a beautiful piece of literature and I am glad to have read it. The theme of healing and regression really urges the reader to take a look at themselves and do some inner work of their own. I know I had to do some inner work along with this reading, and am grateful for it. The ending was not wrapped in a bow, happy, and satisfying as a "happily ever after" story, but an intense and reflective read as someone who struggles with their own symptoms and disorders. The only reason this novel got 4.75 stars and not five is because there was a lull where I was not compelled to pick up the book about four or five chapters away from the end, but that is a personal feeling and should not truly reflect upon the author.

[avelera]

I am not a mental health professional of any kind (psychologist, psychiatrist, etc.) but I am a writer and I've noticed a trend in fanfiction and original media spaces where actual clinical terms are being misapplied in a romance setting which I find to be a disservice both to real mental health concerns and romance itself.

Cut for length but in particular I want to get into how the terms "love bombing" and "codependency" are being discussed and, I believe, misapplied to describe normal romantic behavior, particularly in the romance fiction space, and the risks of how the loss of nuance of what these terms were originally developed to describe might lead individuals to see threats in otherwise innocent behavior.

The most recent instance of this was on Ted Lasso 3.7 when the term, "love bombing" was used to warn a character about how their new love interest might be showering them with gifts and affection as a way to control them.

However, as I understand, love bombing was originally about cult behaviors. It was about how cults recruit new members by showering them with over the top displays of affection in a coordinated effort by the group to lure them in and then make it difficult to leave. Cults are organization with goals and motives, including but not limited to fleecing money, sex, or free labor from their recruits, which is why this tactic was developed.

Now, love bombing is also used to describe the portion of the cycle of abuse where the abuser showers the victim with love to tie them closer. And I think it's really interesting that we're deconstructing some of these heretofore unlabeled behaviors as a society (not just within professional circles) and examining how even the "positive" parts of a relationship with a person or an organization can contain danger within them.

That said, as the wiki article notes, "Excessive attention and affection does not constitute love bombing if there is no intent or pattern of further abuse."

Which I take to mean, yes, people should be wary in a new relationship about excessive gifts if they might be leading in a controlling or abusive relationship. Being aware of this as a tactic is definitely a good thing and a way for people to keep themselves safe.

That being said, gift giving and showering someone with excessive attention at the beginning of a relationship is also normal human behavior that we also call the honeymoon period among other nicknames. Someone showering you with love and attention isn't inherently a bad thing, even if it seems excessive. And in romance especially, a genre made up of grand gestures and exaggerated, wish-fulfillment takes on human behavior, we especially see a lot of excessive displays of love and affection including gift-giving, and real life people who are trying to be romantic borrow from the romance genre to inform their attempts to show love and affection to a partner.

"Love bombing" is also just one potential symptom, one potential red flag among what is most likely many. It's good that we're popularizing knowledge of it, but I fear that the nuance that this is part of a larger strategy of control and abuse which includes other tactics will be lost, and people may begin to see normal human efforts to convey love and affection as somehow malicious or worthy of deep suspicion.

Likewise along these lines: codependency.

Let's start with a definition: "In sociology, codependency is a theory that attempts to explain imbalanced relationships where one person enables another person's self-destructive behavior such as addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement."

Yet the way I see codependency most often discussed in fandom spaces like Tumblr and fanfic is basically, "Two people who are very into each other and who would break down if they lost the other person."

Which, by most normal human standards, would simply be called: love.

Codependency being used to describe love is, in my opinion, actually rather insidious and sad. As a psychological term, codependency is a condition that is meant to describe situations in which someone cannot function in day to day life without the other person, that the other person enforces as part of an effort to exert control.

Most psychological examinations and concerns (again, not a doctor, this is picked up largely anecdotally through contact with the field that comes from being neurodivergent) aren't about, "Is this thing slightly disruptive to your life?" they're about "Does this thing prevent this adult from taking part in society?" Is it fair? No. Is it right? No. Obviously value to society isn't the only measure by which we should be studying pathologies and whatnot but it is one of the most pressing ones and one of the most common measures of if something is a mental health or behavioral problem rather than just an oddity: can this person function in day to day life on their own.

Codependency is supposed to apply to whether someone can hold down a job, if they can feed themselves, if they can interact with others, if they can leave the house on their own without the other person. If they they had all power taken from their life so that the death or the absence of the other person would reduce them to an almost child-like state of helplessness?

It is not, "The love of my life died and I'm inconsolable." It is not, "I love this person so much I want to spend every day with them." Generally speaking, if that's romantic love, we consider those people good candidates for marriage not a psych evaluation. If those people who are obsessively in love with each other can still hold down a job and go about daily life, good news! That's not codependency! If someone loses the love of their life and falls into a grieving state where they need help in their life and lack the motivation for self care, good news, that's also not codependency, that's grieving. It is normal to grieve when we lose someone important to us. It is not inherently a pathology.

I realize I might be making a big deal about nothing here. Hopefully, most people who throw around these terms like love bombing or codependency are doing so with a foundation of understanding of what a normal human relationship looks like and using words without doing so in a nuanced way is hardly a crime.

But I worry for younger people, or people less experienced with relationships, or those who are anxious when they see these new terms brought up as red flags without the context of their original meaning or how they are part of larger cycles of abuse. I think it's important for those who write romance to be aware of the proper usage for these words and not throw them around casually when describing love unless it is meant that way or unless they are deliberately describing abuse. Creating awareness is good! Make sure it's for the actual threat, and not being sloppily misapplied in a way that makes audiences question normal human behavior.

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

By: Suzanne Moore

Published: Apr 9, 2024

The alarm bells have been ringing for some time, but now the entire narrative around adolescent gender dysphoria is breaking apart

I remember as a teenager reading about a strange disorder called anorexia. I had never heard of it – and then I noticed one of my best friends cleaning her teeth several times a day and exercising manically. And it wasn’t just her that was acting weirdly. Several girls I knew were clearly suffering. Then came bulimia, which turned the school loos into sad places in which certain girls spent worrying amounts of time.

Then, as a mother of daughters, I remember reading about an epidemic of cutting among teenagers. Surely this highly unusual behaviour was not rampant? Well, the internet told me it was and an NHS psychiatrist informed me about self-harm circles in certain schools. 

These thoughts occur because I am trying to understand how we started talking of “trans children” and thought this was somehow some kind of “progress”. This, after all, is a new phenomenon. In 2010, for instance, with the Equality Act, which made gender reassignment a protected characteristic, the intention was surely to avoid discrimination against adult transsexuals. This is a laudable aim, but no one was talking about children then. The phrase “gender dysphoria” was not bandied about. It was rare to come across a child who had such severe gender issues they needed specialist services. Indeed, in that year, only 75 children were referred to Gids (the NHS’s Gender Identity Development Service, based at the Tavistock Centre in north-west London). By 2021 it was 5,000.

Now we are in a situation where celebrities wear T-shirts saying Protect Trans Kids and where schools, even primary schools, are colluding with the idea that children are whatever they say they are, that their bodies are somehow wrong and that they can change their names without parental consent.

The alarm bells have been ringing for some time about Gids. What was most alarming was this sudden spike in girls presenting with gender dysphoria and the increasing evidence of the harms of puberty blockers.

When Dr Hilary Cass was commissioned to report on standards of care within the NHS, it was as if finally an adult had stepped into the room. She and her team have looked at the evidence and practices that had recently evolved the affirmative model (designed to support and affirm an individual’s gender identity) and found much wanting. She also signalled the high levels of comorbidities with gender dysphoria. A high proportion of these girls who did not want to be girls were autistic. Many had troubled childhoods or had been in care. Many were gay. All of this resulted in the unravelling of Gids and a ban on puberty blockers.

In the full report, which is due to be published this week, Cass is not only concerned with medical intervention (puberty blockers, cross-sex hormones, surgery) but is also expected to come out against “social transition”. Though this is not something that happens within the health service, it is, she says, an “active intervention because it may have significant effects on the child or young person in terms of psychological functioning. There are different views on the benefits versus the harms of early social transition… it is not a neutral act and better information is needed about outcomes.”

Some believe that socially transitioning kids will lock them into a gender identity and medical pathway that is detrimental. Cass emphasises that gender expression is indeed fluid and changeable for adolescents and that many may take till their mid-20s to settle. In other words, leave these kids alone.

Indeed, faced with this huge increase in kids saying they are trans, many schools have acquiesced. Yet teachers are not clinicians, nor are they there to diagnose children. Do they understand what they are doing? The entire narrative around trans children has been imported from America, but it is breaking apart.

Those who want to see themselves as compassionate and modern have embraced some seriously dodgy ideas. The evidence against puberty blockers, which were sold as “a pause” and reversible, mounts up. The Mayo Clinic has suggested that these drugs can lead to cancer. There is a court case coming up in Italy, and many predict that once the dam breaks, many who have been prescribed these drugs will sue their doctors. 

This has all been allowed to happen because children have been lied to. They are told they can change sex; they are told that puberty will be awful; they are told they will feel suicidal. Anyone who challenges this has been deemed a pariah. So we end up with newly qualified English teachers now deciding that they are doing the right thing by keeping a child’s fantasy identity secret from their parents.

Many are terrified of this issue and go along with what they must know to be dubious. We have yet to see where the Labour Party will go on this, because it too quakes in front of its own activists. Yet any serious person must address the issues around safeguarding. The gender dysphoric child must be protected, of course, but so must the other kids in the class who have a right to single-sex changing rooms.

Now is the time to step back and ask ourselves how we got here. The trans child is a manifestation of a recent story that the culture has told itself. This is a story of social contagion combined with the genuine distress of mostly young girls.

Children cannot be blamed for acting out, but the adults who have encouraged this, while patting themselves on the back for their progressive views, still need to be challenged. Cass is but the start. 

[eletricheart]

Where The Skies Are Blue

(Mira Kano x Reader)

part 1 here (Queen of a Heart)

*image creds to the owner

Word count: 1.047

"So, if you ever need a fool

Who will give you a love so true

You can always find me where the skies are blue"

----------------------------------------------------

The post meteor scenario was concerning. The hospitals were full, many gravely injured or with the unknown threat of developing further conditions.

Which is why you had to stay for two more weeks after waking up in the hospital and having a roommate of sorts.

Tho you worried for the woman next to you, wishing for her to be well.

Day 1

"Hi…the nurses told me that talking to you may help your recovery, so here I am." You weirdly chuckled and continued. "I know you don't know me and it must be pretty weird to be listening to a strange voice but I thought it would be nice to read something for you, so…here goes 'The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo'. It's a good book I promise."

Day 3

"We're done with Evelyn, hope you liked it, it's one of my favorites. And since you can't protest against my choice of literature, today will be 'Me Before You', get ready for a trilogy."

Day 9

"Even I have to admit the other two books were not that good, so it's okay if you want to murder me after my choices. However, for your happiness I should be leaving in a few days, my exams are coming out fine, therapy is well…therapy."

Day 10

"I wanted to read a book to you, but I'm worried that it's too sad, I don't want to make things worse. So we can try 'The Lady's Guide to Celestial Mechanics', it's good too."

Day 12

"I made new friends today, they were in the whole meteor accident too. We hung out in Ann's room, 'cause she is also bedridden, but Kuina and Chishiya can walk around freely. If you ever hear chaos, it's them."

Day 13

"The doctors told me you're okay, at least physically. I hope you wake up."

Day 14

"I asked one of the nurses about you, I couldn't handle my curiosity. They told me you're a psychiatrist, which is really cool by the way. Maybe you can continue your career once you wake up."

Day 15

"Today is my last day and you still haven't graced me with your voice, I'm truly hurt right now, you should wake up to apologize, just saying."

You sighed with defeat once there was no response and left the room to say goodbye to Ann. Kuina and Chishiya left a couple days ago, so we've already been through that. It's not a forever bye, we still see each other, just no more food heist.

When you returned to the room in order to finish packing up, the woman was awake. You were shocked but stayed on the door to not intrude during the exams.

When the medical team left you still stood awkwardly on the door. The woman just raised her eyebrows in a silent mockery and waited for you to enter the room.

You quickly introduced yourself to her, not mentioning the past couple weeks as to not scare her, and explained why you were cleaning up your side. She didn't say anything for a while.

"So you're leaving?"

To say you jumped in place was an understatement, but recomposed yourself. "Yeah, I've served my time here." You said, attempting a joke.

But she just looked slightly annoyed.

"The nurses mentioned you were reading for me, I don't remember that."

"Oh, it's okay, it was probably bad anyways, I just didn't want you to be alone."

You smiled and sat back on the bed.

"Read for me tonight."

Therefore, you started showing up everyday to see her, mostly to read a book but sometimes you brought flowers or tea. It became a habit to visit her, one you always looked forward to.

Day 20

Today you brought her a chess game. After reading "A Monster Calls" you both thought it was best to take a break. This was how you found out that she was extremely competitive. Even going as far to accusing you of cheating during times she won the game.

Day 21

Chess was more stressful than you expected, so you decided for a movie day. You introduced her to the classical "The Mummy" and she pretended to hate it.

Day 22

You had a fight, to be more exact Mira fought you. She hated tardiness and you were an hour late, of course there was a reason but the woman was too angry to care, simply leaving you out of her room.

Mira was nervous. Ever since she woke up you had been a constant, always trying to improve the days.

Being stuck to a bed was infuriating, having to attend therapy was more pointless. Mira knew what was going on, she studied and saw it countless times, no reason for all of these sessions with a stranger.

But you were there.

She tried to find a reason for your presence, some ulterior motive, maybe a disorder. There was nothing.

Three days weren't a long time, so why did she feel this way, this weird sense of familiarity.

When you were late Mira thought you had left. So when you showed she felt immense relief.

That's why she kicked you out, she got scared of what these feelings might mean. Finding it better to end before getting too attached.

Day 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28

You kept visiting her, telling stories from the door, humming or just sitting there. She didn't let you in during those days.

Ann kept telling you to give up but something begged you to try again, so you did.

Day 29

You started talking through letters under the door. She would ask questions about you and you would respond honestly with also small drawings.

Day 30

Mira let you in. It was her last day in the hospital. You helped her organize the room and move back to her apartment in the capital. Making quick stops at diners for milkshakes.

Day 31

It was the first official date.

You took her to play croquet, she never looked happier…and she won every single time.

Day 60

Your visa to stay in Japan was ending since you didn't have a medical condition anymore.

Mira took you to the park for a picnic.

Day 70

Mira asked you to stay.

Day 71

You stayed.

----------------------------------------------------

masterlist

[wadesprincessboy]

TW: health concerns, doctors being assholes, vent / rant, long text post

Worried that i may be developing tardive dyskinesia- im on antipsychotic meds and have been for years now, i take a very low dose but have a lot of side effects already and now im getting facial tics relatively often....tho i also get other tics so maybe its some other thing, but ALL my tics are centred around my head/neck/face area. I should see a doctor but a few years ago i was getting vocal tics and facial tics and asked my doctor about it and he said it was just anxiety and its "common for teenage girls to think they have tics because its trendy on social media" so idk. Hes not my doc anymore but i dont trust doctors to really listen to me about my symptoms.

Also been getting migraines all the time, bad pains each month, dizziness, the shakes, and seeing stars and feeling faint and nauseous.....most symptoms of genetic conditions that run in the family, such as diabetes, and pcos, and migraines. Again, i should see a doctor but-

My GP is transphobic and fatphobic and rather rude and ableist which baffles me since shes a DOCTOR. Shes also my mums GP and she constantly tells her she needs to lose weight or have weight loss surgery and that shes not really disabled (she has EDS, POTS, fibro, CFS, amongst other things) shes just lazy and using "buzz words" from the internet (shes had these conditions since before the internet was invented ffs, she just finally has words to describe her symptoms since those conditions weren't widely talked about until recently)!!! The doc also refuses to use my pronouns despite having asked me in the first place or listen to me when I ask about medical transition. She also refuses to acknowledge my chronic pain and menstruation problems (cause of my pain, its constant, and so is the bleeding....also pmdd) saying "all girls feel that way" (um sorry? No? No other girls i know spend weeks with excruciating pain and cant leave the house due to pain and bleeding for at least a week per month if not more. No other girls i know end up in a psych ward because of how bad their suicidal ideation gets before their period is due.). She also refuses to listen to my mum when she peaks on my behalf due to verbal shutdown in the doctors office and inability to make phone calls due to it triggering shutdowns as well, she says im old enough to talk so i need to be in control (i am. I control what my mum says on my behalf. I tell her before we go in what i need to say, and she relays that. I nod or shake my head or shrug to her so she knows my answer to questions. I have a system of taps or sometimes text her to tell her to stop talking or say something further. I AM communicating, i just shut down verbally and cannot communicate to anyone but her when at a doctor appointment) and she won't listen to what my mum says, and asks us to leave when i dissociate and ignore all attempts at communication when she insists i verbally speak to her (at that point, nothing will work, because i feel incredibly pressured and then wont communicate at all to anyone, and often melt down or panic).

^ and no, just cant get a new GP. My current one is an hours drive away because there are none taking new patients in my area, and im out of zone for all the youth services due to my town bordering two regions. If theres any taking patients then its either more than an hour away and simply impractical to get there when needed, or it costs too much to get an appointment. Not to mention my communication struggles are worse with new people, especially doctors, and ive had the same doctor since birth so :/

I also dont have a counsellor or psychiatrist because despite having specific funding for it, there are none in my area! I had a great one then she quit, and the CAMHS one fired me for not speaking (??????) and again, new people? Hard.

Fuck I hate this and my developing health problems. I was healthy my entire life, like i didnt even get a cold more than once every couple years!!! I always had mental health problems but never physical. Now i feel like shit constantly. It all started with puberty which is also when yk, doctors decided that everything was "teenage girl syndrome" or just anxiety 🙄

[muckmagister]

hey bud =] howzit?

i GOT a HAIRCUT and bought SKINCARE products and SOME FACE POWDER (cause face oily sometiems teehee) and like HAIRCLIPS AND STUFF to STYLE my HAIR after i got it CUT and it was very fun cause i was out with my friend the whole time and they were the one telling me what haircut to get and stuff to buy cause i am awful when it comes to fashion and style and skincare and stuff lmao but yeah!! and now i'm gonna have a shower later and try out the stuff i bought and it's very exciting!!!

other exciting news is that when i saw my psychiatrist recently i asked about adhd meds and he suggested some for me to look into for our next appointment and one of them looks really promising!! i won't bother with all the details though lmao

it's funny cause i normally feel pretty good on the day to day but cause of the Problems i've almost never got anything actually happening when people ask so it's so nice to actually have stuff to say when normally it's just like "oh i'm good! just hanging out 👍" which is supremely boring at the least and to me comes across a little sad lmao 😭 but it's genuinely not that bad, see this is because i am content with like anything always, i have reached enlightenment and will be escaping samsara, and also desire doesn't cause suffering that's bullshit btw

y'know actually i think i've just had a pretty good past few days when it comes to my fatigue, cause like. can you tell? can you see that i should probably be on adhd meds? i am very aware that i'm rambling on and on but it's fun to just record the flow of my thoughts when i'm not bogged down by the tired and brain fog and stuff, i love that i'm a bit of an anomaly in many respects, a bit autistic, went through pretty bad depression and am still on meds for it, like unironically that was good for character development and i wouldn't wish it on anyone lmao, you ever feel like that? terrible things happen to you and you grow past it and look back and realise you wouldn't change a thing? i'm aware i absolutely have my family to thank for supporting me with it, a huge amount of people aren't as lucky as i've been and the support someone gets is really a deciding factor in creating good outcomes

oh! that's what i wanted to say earlier! to wrap it up basically that things are going good but as always i wish i could meet all you guys irl and just have more friends to hang out with and spend money on and hug and stuff you get it 👍 i really hope you're doing alright too!!!!!!! i love all of you peace and love 1 million years

[halfelven]

typical my life was fucked up stuff under the cut (csa)

i have quite high self esteem and self confidence which always surprises psychiatrists bc of my background but the thing is i don’t really know why i do? possibly out of spite? from pure necessity? byproduct of having to be as independent as i had to be?

i’m also not a people pleaser and i don’t really have social anxiety so it might stem from the idea that there was nothing i could do to get attention, affection, or help and the only person i could ever rely on was myself

i did use to hate myself and think a lot of the shit they told me about me was true, but i really like myself now and i don’t think my close friends all secretly hate me. i have to force myself to respect (good) authority and not think i’m better than other people. i think this probably does stem from the hyper independence. i also have to force myself to form attachments.

(this is one thing that i told my mother would happen to me in my ‘why i shouldn’t be this isolated’ presentations. i have referenced it in previous posts without admitting what it was since i don’t want to hurt people’s feelings by saying it is hard for me to form attachments or really care if someone stays in my life. it’s not consciously a choice to avoid hurt from people leaving, but it might be subconsciously that. i saw too many friends die as a child and then went into near total isolation and didn’t form any new relationships during a crucial time in child development—as i told my mother.)

i find it interesting how it is so different from what psychiatrists are expecting, but all my good drs have admitted there’s hardly any studies done on cases like mine, so there’s not that much to compare it to.

but my current dr doesn’t think i should do long distance therapy due to she thinks my therapist should closely monitor my body language and facial expressions.

(‘like what you’re doing with your hands,’ she says, as i glance down at how i’m twirling my thumbs round each other. i laugh since i knew that was one big thing she meant when she said it would be better in person. ‘yes, that makes sense, of course,’ i say. i smile at her, looking straight into her eyes and laugh again because i know the other thing she’s thinking and that we’re both not saying. ‘so much of trauma is held in the body,’ she says, ‘and long distance you can’t see more than the face. and you can’t mark changes.’ ‘of course,’ i agree.

i can’t remember our last appointment in february or the one before that in december. she tells me that both times i spoke clearly and was tidy and presentable. that she hadn’t noticed anything about me being completely gone. she asks if i was gone somewhere else. i truthfully tell her that i can’t remember most of the winter. nothing felt real and now most of it is dark.

she says i’m the perfect candidate for rehabilitation because i’m so driven and strong. that i need time to heal and establish myself. but i know what i want. i nod again. i know what i want. i don’t know who i am. she says my background was inhuman and inhumane. i nod and smile again. i haven’t smiled this much in weeks.

i tell her i’m glad i got the rehabilitation because i do know what i want and my studies will help me get it but i was scared that if i started therapy while expected to do full time studies i would just fall apart completely. ‘it’s going to be bad,’ i say. it’s going to get worse before it gets better. i push away images of inhuman cruelty that did not happen to me.

‘therapy is very hard,’ she says. ‘but it helps. no one would do it if it didn’t help. it’s too painful… unless they were extreme masochists!’ we both laugh. i have bruises running up my arm from bite marks.

i don’t get home before i break down crying in the park. i lean against a tree and cry. she’s telling me i’m getting real help, actual stability. i’m crying because that’s a mean joke to play on someone. it’s not real. and even if it were, i can’t grasp the concept of stability. i’ve never been able to plan my life more than a month ahead.

and nothing seems real anyway. i’m floating instead of actually stepping on the ground. i didn’t sleep last night and i have just come back from a funeral that reminded me that i have no one to turn to. it’s so warm, and it was still winter in the north. and i’m tired so all the light seems brighter.

nothing is real and i didn’t live through that hell. yesterday i read a sad, sad book and knew that it had to have happened. my denial, my memory working exactly like that. it couldn’t happen. it was too cruel. i couldn’t deny it longer. but today is real. of course it didn’t happen. nothing is real. i whisper old words in my mind, ‘this isn’t happening. this isn’t happening.’ so it didn’t happen. so it could never have happened. it wasn’t real then and it’s not real now.

and i fall apart for no reason, and they’re going to find out, and get mad at me for lying, and take away all my help and i’ll never be able to keep a job because i’m too dramatic and just want attention.

of course that’s not true. i know i couldn’t fake this. i’m too strong anyway. if it didn’t happen i would already have gone so far in life. become a surgeon or something. i’m too smart. too resourceful. too determined and independent and brave. it was something bad that made this. it just didn’t happen to me.

another doctor stared at me before and told me i had a fire inside me she had never seen before. and another doctor told me i had the strongest will he had ever seen. that sounds made up but it happened and i still don’t know what to think of it.

the one who called me strongest liked me so much that it was not at all professional. he told me that i was too self aware for him to be anything but entirely direct. and then he told me i was brilliant and had to go to grad school so my mind wouldn’t be wasted and that i would change the world. ((people who haven’t gotten off their computer in ten years will say it never happened.))

and i am sitting here today knowing that i have written a book that could probably help change the world. and it would also give my soul away, in a sense. it’s brutally raw and there’s not much that i’m hiding—there is some of course, but i would go insane if there wasn’t. and sure i’m brave. but am i that brave?

ever since i was a child i knew that i would always be hated. not because i was at my core entirely hateable but because i was always going to make so many enemies.

i heard their stories and what they wanted for the world, and i was going to make myself their enemy. an evil villain who they could focus some hatred on, get it away from people who didn’t want it. change others’ minds.

that’s not the part i’m scared of. it’s just going to be so hard to hear people who say they want to help csa victims say i survived wrong. coped wrong. got my sexuality wired wrong. and i’m not leaving that out because i know other people kill themselves over this. i’m sick of saying i’m sorry for being raped as an infant and coming out wrong. i’m not sorry.

i’m violent and angry. i’d like to torture him to death. and people say they want to do that for less. if you are stripped entirely of your pride and humanity what do you become?

at least he never broke me

[kingofpolynya]

Burnout or love?

Tumblr looks different now, but I'm still the same. Still working in academia, doing phytoplankton stuff, but not in Japan. I move back to the UK in December 2021 after getting offered a postdoc in Liverpool. Hopefully in January, I'll start my permanent job at the National Oceanography Centre - as a marine biogeochemical model developer. Funny how 11 years ago, I had my first interview to be an Oceanography student. Now I'm going to work there. Time flies..

Life in Japan was quite miserable. I cheated on my (now ex) boyfriend with a colleague. It was a short affair too, but he ended our relationship. I tried making new friends, but I feel sort of worthless that girls in Japan are all very skinny and very prim and proper. I stopped eating breakfast, which spiralled into not eating anything. I ran 5k every evening, and swam 3k 3x a week. I have never felt this pretty before, but everyone said I looked like a holocaust survivor. I still love my job, but I hated everyone (apart from my boss) there. So I need a way out, and I ended up applying for a postdoc with this famous professor, and thanks to divine intervention I got the post. My mother said I am allowed to move back to the UK if I got to normal BMI, so I tried. I even got myself a psychiatrist and a cocktail of mind altering drugs. I just cant stand being surrounded by skinny Japanese girl, so I tried my best. Eventually, I got back to normal bmi after 5 months, and I also got my (ex) boyfriend back, but not for long.

The first year in Liverpool was fun, I get to do 3D and very complex model with many state variables, and different nutrients and plankton component. People were impressed with what I have done, until I joined a cruise from the Falkland Islands back to Southampton in February 2022. It was a 6 week cruise. My (then) boyfriend wasnt keen on me joining the cruise but I enjoyed it a lot. I love the routine, and seeing different plankton swimming about, talking to different scientists, and do yoga almost every day. I have never felt like a scientist before. Almost every day I strive to do my best.

However, after the cruise, I feel like something snapped, and I cannot do science anymore. I feel like it's hard to go back to the normal routine of looking at model output and wondering what might be going on in 2100, under RCP8.5 scenario. My brain fried so hard I think I failed every task. My boss even snapped at me for not being able to ask the 'big picture question'. Perhaps I'm a bad scientist from the beginning and its just somehow lots of people have been carrying me around. I feel like everything is blank and bleak. Maybe I should quit science?

I started getting my 'consciousness' back a few months ago, and only started to grasp what is happening after repeatedly being told off by my boss (what a man with infinite patience). I am starting to grasp what I can do and slowly crawling back into the depths of hell. However, since I know my boss is not keen on me as a postdoc, I decided that I have to leave. So I apply for a different job, a permanent one, and a job where I, hopefully, does not need to ask big picture question. I like getting stuck in and do the coding, and plot my results so I can brainstorm with others to see what is wrong with plankton? Why are things happening like this? I suppose I will never be at my boss' calibre.

Now everyday feels like I'm just trying to survive. I'm starting to hate going to the office and make small talk. I used to enjoy swimming, now it feels like a chore. Eating or cooking isn't enjoyable anymore. Cakes taste stale. I am living on microwaved rice and instant noodles. I dont want to be too skinny again, because I have never swam this fast. The pills that kept me sane dont seem to do their job anymore. All I want is just lay in bed and not doing anything, and cry.

I initially thought that I am starting to lose my sanity because I met someone on the cruise, and fell in love. I split up with my (ex) boyfriend just before I stepped on to dry land, to be with this guy. It worked and fortunately he loves me to. He moved in not long after we finished the cruise. I have never been with someone I love, and maybe this whole 'my brain is broken' thing is because my brain chemistry is not in balance. But I dont know, with him around life do get a bit easier, but all i want to do is just joking around with him and go for long walks on the beach. I cant be bothered doing science anymore, or even just living in general. Have I been showing symptoms of burnout?

I hope my new relationship will last forever. I do hope that he can see me shine, and stays in love with me. I hope my new job will bring me a some happiness, and can make me shine brighter than before.

[anajonessy]

I have three siblings who are all ten to thirteen years older than me, and they all went to boarding school. Because of the age gap, my siblings and I didn't really grow up together, and I spent a lot of time by myself. I also didn’t have a great relationship with my mom, so when I was younger–even though I’d developed a strong sense of social independence, I always said that being around people was the best thing in the world.

I moved out of my family home soon after I turned eighteen or nineteen and since then, I’ve lived with a bunch of people, and I was constantly surrounded by friends and friends of friends, and total strangers. Everyone was in such close proximity–I went from feeling like an outsider to feeling like a social person, and then back again–and I was ok with that. I think I might’ve even equated it to being happy that I’d get anxious after spending even a little time by myself. I felt so restless and miserable, mostly because of the feeling of loneliness that consumed me.

For years it didn't occur to me that, as with most things, my discomfort with being alone might be a sign that I am not meeting my emotional needs.

Fast forward to a little over a year ago, I moved to the outskirts of town and because of that, I don’t really go out as often anymore unless it’s for work. And then, of course, the pandemic happened–I had to quit my job and after getting the curse, I started spending more and more time by myself and that has led to some great things… and some really terrible things, like, it hasn’t particularly been great for my mental health (or rather, lack thereof lol).

But that moment in self-isolation had me thinking about how much I rely on other people to make myself feel ok, and also how incredibly liberating it is to lose the unrealistic expectations put on me to be ‘happy’ and ‘productive’ all the time. I’m an adult and it really sucks that I am so late to the self-realization party haha, but wow, it feels good to finally allow myself to feel what I feel when I feel it.

So these days whenever I feel irrationally upset about anything (or nothing at all!), instead of simply shelving it and focusing on everyone and everything else that is going on, I take a step back, breathe and think about the ways I can create and hold space for myself. Sometimes that means staying in bed longer, reading, trying out a new recipe, listening to a podcast, working on a project, putting my phone on ghost mode, or taking myself out for walks… just doing whatever it is that makes me feel comfortable and content. Other times it’s sitting with myself staring into blank space, or crying (for like, an hour… or more?!?!?!!!!) and feeling so much better afterward.

Anyways, it’s 7:30AM and I just woke up to pee. I’ve got about an hour to journal and relax in bed before I need to get up, make myself breakfast, hit the shower, then head out to see my psychiatrist and counselor. It’s going to be a good day to hang out with myself today.

If you’re reading this, I hope you can find time to hang out with yourself today too. Enjoy yourself. Give yourself advice on life, love, work, and more. Tickle your scalp. Take yourself out on a date. Indulge in self-pleasure. Laugh at your own jokes. Go have fun!

[presidentkamala]

Ok 2022 wrap up. First the good:

* killed it at work and on schedule for a huge jump in salary in january 2023

* finally let go of the worst years of my life by *gasp* leaning in2 and committing to my present self???

*moved to a banging new apartment WITH kitchen island

*volunteered for midterm campaigns

*went to chicago, cincinnati, honolulu and st. louis

*READ like 80% more this year than last year (the bar was the like 2 books i picked at and didnt finish last year but still improvement)

*more consistent with skincare routine

*hit 50k in my one savings acct in accordance w financial goals

THE BAD:

*didnt learn a new language, instrument, to code, pottery, or anything. Was grinding at work and not much else

*health took a backseat: too much doordash no fitness plan or even much activity

*didnt make any new friends

*stagnated in other areas. No volunteering for causes i care abt or even at community garden. mUST CHANGE THIS IN 2023

*struggled to stay consistent with much of anything. Scatterbrained for most of the year

THE UGLY:

*lost all muscle tone due to nothing other than lack of care

*no motivation. No real direction. No real sense or vision of the future i want and am working towards. No effort in the places where it counted

*phone and screen addiction. BIG TIME. losing hrs to this that i should be using to get out there and meet ppl and actually improve my quality of life LOL.

*deep-seated suspicion that im not well-liked at work bore out late this year. Not super pleased since that's been my main focus. Probably connected to this other stuff.

*loss of basic intellectual curiosity. In complete survival mode for the first 8 months of the year. Self is almost unrecognizable in many ways.

THE RESOLUTIONS:

I've spent the month of december devoting myself to prepping for the big three resolutions that i feel will have the biggest impact on my immediate health and wellbeing. I did a recipe plan for every day of december and gave myself a zero doordash/restaurant rule but no other real restrictions on what recipes i make and that's gone super well in terms of re-integrating cooking regularly back into my life and even enjoying it! I think in february im going to start paying more attention to making sure im incorporating the plate method to ensure im getting the right proportion of protein veg and carbs into my diet but for now its all about finding recipes that taste good and that i can sustainably replicate etc. I've been doing a lot to make sure im brushing my teeth and doing my skincare routine at least every morning so im going to start bumping up my evening care in January as well. I also downloaded the none2run app to get me up to a 5k which at least lays out the calendar of what i need to do and im on week 2?? I think of the beginner exercises before starting the runs in earnest. I've deep cleaned my apartment and kitchen and have been regularly washing my clothes and doing the dishes instead of letting it all pile up. All of these changes in routine have been gradual over the last 5 weeks or so but its already paying dividends and i love the idea of prepping for resolutions and planning them out so i don't lose track as the year progresses:

*Journal at least once a week (minimum 52 entries by this time next year)

*Develop nourishing recipes you actually enjoy and can replicate. Limit restaurants to once a week (non-holiday) or 3 times a week (with holidays)

*complete none2run 5k.

*sign back up for barre classes at least once a week (non-travel)

*on work travel, complete youtube pilates vid at least twice a week

*this is the year to tackle skin texture and pores. Set up derm appt in January

*complete liftoff program for beginner weightlifting beginning in June.

*volunteer for minimum 2 hrs each week. For anything.

*volunteer for dems at least once this year.

*SEE A FUCKING PSYCHIATRIST

*take one extra-curricular class

*check in quarterly on goals

*take one international trip

2023: We are being specific and intentional!!!!!

[yourbrainonbraindrugs]

How to stop taking your mental health medication: the right way

First, let’s acknowledge where I am coming from. I have Bipolar 2, and consider myself in remission. And I have never stopped medication ever since I started a year ago. I’ve taken all of my meds nearly daily, I may have missed about ten total days in the last year. I’m very diligent with it. I am not a mental health expert or professional in any regard, but I work very closely with my psychiatrist and therapist to maintain a strong understanding of my brain and my meds. Before reading this post, I recommend doing the same — working closely with whoever prescribed your meds and whoever helps your brain work through things. And also, acknowledging that this post is not a legitimate guideline, but rather, a kicking-off point to help you and your prescriber adjust your medications. If this post sounds helpful, show it to your doctor and let them walk you through what may or may not work for you.

Next, let’s talk about the purpose of medication. Medication doesn’t heal the brain. If your disorder comes from trauma (and bipolar does), there’s a chance you can heal the brain in diligently intricate therapies over time. CBT, DBT, and other structured therapy work wonders on many trauma brains, but no one is guaranteed an understanding of their past, current, or potential brain development. It’s not common for people to consider themselves ‘in remission’ from a mental condition. I am lucky to feel safe enough to identify this way. But medication is the thing that, for many of us, makes therapy healing possible. Without meds, I am just talking at someone. With meds, I can ignore whatever my body is begging me to do in my bipolar symptoms, while actively addressing the root cause of my bipolar (for me, it is repeated grief — five major losses at different times). And if I’m only taking meds, I am simply keeping my body in a stable state. Nothing about my body is actually changing. I need my brain to want to make these brain drugs on its own.

Now, let’s look at how medication works. External chemicals are added to the body, and slowly sent to the brain. Many meds don’t kick in until 2 weeks to a month because often, the chemical itself has a hard time traveling the body, or perhaps the brain struggles to accept external chemicals like that medication — there are a number of reasons but any medication that takes time to get on, is likely to need time to come off of. These external chemicals help balance the brain’s bio chemicals by blocking certain receptors, activating others, or creating new ones. The brain almost always becomes reliant on these medications for making these changes, and to stop taking the medication suddenly, it will shock the brain, because it won’t know how to make these chemicals on its own. Depression worsens than before, because before, there were times when you could encourage your brain to make the chemicals you needed to feel better, but that won’t matter once those internal chemicals link to an external chemical.

So how do you stop?

TALK TO YOUR PRESCRIBER. Your psychiatrist or whoever prescribed you these meds NEEDS to know that you even WANT to see a day where you’re no longer reliant on medication. They are going to be the first person you call if something goes wrong, and they’ll need to know where you are in that journey at all times to accurately assist at any given moment. Also, there’s a chance you may still need some adjusting to find a working medication plan. That is pretty much necessary to find before you start to stop. You need to know what chemicals work before you can stop, because the specific meds that work will help inform the specific habits and behaviors that help manage the brain.

Determine why you even want to stop. Have you found a lot of coping mechanisms in therapy that have, for the long term, impacted your mental health towards the growth you intended? Have you figured out where your trauma comes from and how to manage symptoms on your own? Have you cut out anyone in your life who contributed to enabling trauma or abuse in your life? Are you confident in your stress management skills? Because if the only reason you want to stop is ‘i don’t want to be reliant’, then you’re probably going to remain reliant for a while. Hate to break it to you, but if you’re reliant, not wanting to be is not going to be enough motivation to get you through the next stages of stopping your meds. It’s difficult and often demotivating.

Choose a date! If you find yourself one day thinking “I feel like I can stop now”, then choose a day 6 months to a year from that day, to actually officially begin the process. Give yourself this time because you will need to assess how your body responds to stress with these intentions. If you go through another stressful event, are you struggling to maintain those coping skills while you’re still on your meds? If yes, you’re might not be ready to stop. I like to call this stage the ‘testing stage’, because here, you want to treat your body like it needs to pass a test, to prove itself capable of handling things without meds. Remember, it’s your BODY that is reliant on these meds — not You, Personally. Test your body, not by putting yourself in stressful situations but by being vigilant and intentional in monitoring your stress, mood, irritability, and etc. as you naturally go through life. 6 months to a year of mental health monitoring on a working medication plan will definitely help you make a more informed decision about what you want to do with your medication. This is where I currently am in my healing journey. I haven’t chosen a date but I’ve chosen a timeframe to choose a date! Give yourself as much time as you need.

After you’ve talked to your prescriber, begin stopping at their instruction. Some of your meds, you can stop cold turkey, and others, you need to ween off of. Some of those normally-cold-turkey meds are balancing out your weening meds, so those too will need to be weened off of. Only your prescriber can help you in this situation to know exactly which medication to stop, how, and when.

Closely monitor how your body is changing. During this stage, just like how you monitored your body before, you’ll want to watch what’s changing this time. Try to figure out which medication is causing which symptoms because you’ll likely experience symptoms as you come down. This is not because you’ve made the wrong decision, it’s because your brain has been relying on those meds and is now trying to make the bio chemicals on its own. If symptoms are difficult to manage, just go slower, and keep using those coping and management skills you’ve been learning in therapy. Over time, your brain will learn to accept the changes and even learn how to ‘make up’ for the external chemicals that have been reduced. But that can’t happen if you’re shaming and punishing yourself, that will only worsen symptoms.

Whenever you get to the end of the previous stage — for some, it will take months, for others, possibly years — discuss with your doctor when the right time to completely stop will be. And when that date is determined, spend the next several months doing what you did in step 4. Just monitor what it does and how it responds to stress. Remember that most brain disorders are incurable, so you’re probably going to experience symptoms. Again, that doesn’t mean you’ve made a bad decision. If you have a strong support system, a strong set of coping skills, and you’re in a safe environment, it is okay if symptoms return. Because you can always return to your safe places with your safe people, and those coping skills will be celebrated, by you and others.

And you’re off! Congrats, your goal has been met. But that’s just it, this is your goal, not everyone else’s — and that’s good, because your goals are meant to change over time. There might be a day where your goal will be restarting meds with a new plan. And that’s okay! Again, it doesn’t mean you made a bad choice or a mistake. This is all part of your life experiences, and none of it should be stigmatized, let alone by yourself. The goal is not to stop being reliant on medication, the goal is to have another way to manage your mental health. And if you lose that method for any reason, or if you go through something new that your method won’t work against, you shouldn’t hesitate to talk to a prescriber again who can help you. Hopefully, the same one from before, because they have a history with you that helps you make an even more informed decision.

Notes:

you have to stop expecting yourself to do this all alone. Mental health is a personal journey but being a person requires other people. We’re social creatures. Pretending like you’re capable of “adulting” all alone is asinine, especially if you have a diagnosable mental condition.

stop looking at yourself like you’re broken or sick. We only call these things mental ‘illnesses’ because they inconvenience us the way a virus or bacteria would. Your brain actually developed the best possible way it knew how. All of those horrible symptoms were designed to protect you from harm. Depression keeps you in bed because the people in your life or the systems you’ve lived under or etc are unbearable. Anxiety puts fear in you thinking you’re in danger. Your body and your brain are working together to protect you, the person, the experience beyond any flesh and blood. You, as a person, are not sick. You just have a brain that figured out the wrong lessons at the right time, and now you just need to get that brain to a place where it can learn the right ones, now.

Fire your doctor and find a new one if they aren’t doing a good enough job helping you, especially if the reason you don’t want to take your meds is because you don’t trust their judgement. There’s a doctor out there who will love working with you, who has the same goals and desires as you, and if it takes years to find them, it’s better than years of struggling all alone or with someone who doesn’t care how you need them to. Plus, you’ll get used to filling out new patient paperwork, it is a hassle but I’m a pro at it now. I’ve been switching psychiatrists as often as I need, and if I don’t like how one of them talks to me or about my mental health, I find a new one. I still work closely, asking all I can to understand, but I will not hesitate to fire someone if I don’t think they have my best interest in mind. Remember, you have hired a stranger to help with something deeply personal. If they’re not compatible, move on without remorse.

Please, please, please remember that I’m not a professional. You should never take internet mental health advice without talking to one first. I’m only sharing this as a basic guideline. I know I said that at the start but it needs to be emphasized. Please do not use this post as an excuse to stop your meds on your own. Even if you’ve been self-medicating, you need a professional to help you with this. And yes, this includes street drugs, alcohol, and any other substance you’ve been using to manage your stress. A professional is the only one who can truly help you walk through this.

Resources:

How psychiatric drugs work

How to stop taking psychiatric drugs

[clevermrclandestine]

LIFE UPDATE 0

Well, it's been a while. Dips in mood do that. My bad.

FAMILY Honestly, haven't seen 'em much. Feels good. The few times I have seen them, though, were great! I saw my mom last week when I did my laundry at her house (she always says "Oh, don't forget to bring ALL of your laundry this time! That includes your bedding."). Thank you, Mom. I appreciate you sharing your resources with the needy. She works from home one day a week which gives us time to catch up. I usually don't have much to update her on (I live a nice, boring life), but I always love to hear how she's been and what she's been up to. All that jazz. Had dinner with my two older sisters and their families including my three nephews as well as my dad and his family. It was a nice time. The service at the restaurant was slow as fuck, though. Exceptionally so, in fact. My thought was, "Wow, they must not have wages high enough to ensure competent, reliable workers. Fuckin' management." Having worked in food service for a significant portion of my life, there is little the staff can do other than their best. Aside from that, it was awesome getting to see my nephews talking and interacting with everyone at the table. To me, kids are useless until they start developing sentience. Then things start to pay off. Oh, Nova (my cat) is doing great! Still shedding like crazy, but I'm still willing to look past that. I got here a cheap toy from a thrift store down the road and that mother fucker doesn't even play with it! Like, come on! I'm really tryin', here. Kidding aside, it's nice having something to take care of. But a potted plant would be a lot easier… we'll see.

JOB SEARCH I am taking my mom's advice and looking for a long-term, chemistry-related job. After all, I went to school for chemistry. Been coming up with a cover letter (my first, actually) for whatever places near me are hiring. So far, I have one that has openings listed. Maybe I should just call the other places and inquire directly. A part of me thinks they would appreciate the effort, but another part thinks they would think I am wasting their time. Either way, I will do whatever I need to… things gotta' change.

MENTAL HEALTH No updates, really. Except that I have been getting "brain zaps" again which is odd given that I haven't missed any doses of Paroxetine. They only occur with lateral eye movements (No idea why. Don't ask me.) on some days. Overall, it isn't much of a concern. It's just interesting. Need a blood draw for a lithium level per request of my psychiatrist. Actually, a PNP: they're cheaper. You get used to needles over time. It hurts to say, but I need to stop ingesting political content. It just stresses me out. Also, some good news: I have been drinking less. A lot less. Now, just kick the nicotine and I'll finally be free… but let's be realistic.

PHYSICAL HEALTH Been running a lot. My version of a lot, anyway: 5 days/wk for >3mi @ ~8.5-9min/mi Was really proud of myself the other day when I went for 5 miles, but, shit, I was exhausted. Gonna have to take a break from running, though; shin splints, such bullshit. I guess my stationary bike should suffice, and if I don't build up my core strength then I will never reach my goal of a comfortable 5mi @ <8.5mi/min. That is why God invented situp benches. I'm kidding. People invented those. They also invented gods, now that I think about it. My diet has been leaner the past few weeks. Thank christ that I am not baking anymore. It's for my own good: I always eat whatever I decide to bake. And yes, it is always sugary, salty, and fucking delicious. So carbs are a no go for me, right now. I'll celebrate with a cheat day once I get below 170lbs… just 5 more pounds, mother fucker.

HOBBIES N' SHIT As the first line in this post suggests, I really haven't done many things I enjoy. Sure, I jot down the random ideas I have throughout the day, reorganize my papers and files, and read about the things I like. But I haven't been doing them consistently. Doing them has taken too much effort the past few weeks. Hell, I'm surprised I've been running as much as I have. I feel proud of it, sure, but… I don't know.

'Til next time.

CMC

[pastorralffriedrichs]

Straight from Hope Ministries Sanctuary.

Blessings to you all. Another beautiful day given to us from above. I want to share this devotion this early morning with you

We have discussed

spiritually led

spiritually blind

spiritual mind the last 3 weeks, now let us talk about

Spiritual Awakening

Am I having a spiritual awakening?

What is a spiritual awakening, how do you know the signs, and how do you embrace this newfound shift in how you see the world?

We answer your top questions about spiritual awakenings (and how you can find support in your journey)

Spirituality can have different meanings to different people. Generally speaking, it involves recognising a feeling, sense, or belief in something greater than yourself. This could mean that you feel there is something more to being human than what you experience physically through your senses, and/or that you feel like we are all a part of some greater whole which is cosmic or divine in nature.

Unlike religion where there is often a specific, organised set of beliefs and practices typically shared by a community or group, spirituality may be more of an individual practice, focusing on a sense of purpose and peace.

What is a spiritual awakening (and what does ‘having a spiritual awakening’ mean)?

For many, a spiritual awakening is a call to a higher consciousness and state of deeper mental awareness. This process typically shifts your worldview, transforming you on a personal level and shifting your mindset.

It can be called by different names (enlightenment, bliss, or discovering nirvana). It can create feelings of both being unnerved or uncertain at first, as well as wonder and excitement. Our modern idea of a spiritual awakening in the western world was first made popular by psychiatrist Carl Jung, who described it as coming back to the original self.

What triggers a spiritual awakening?

A spiritual awakening can be caused by many different things. Big, life-changing events such as the death of a loved one, serious illness, or divorce can trigger a spiritual awakening, as can traumatic or near-death experiences, or an existential crisis. Other common triggers can include mental health crises and midlife (or quarter-life) crises.

For others, there may be a more subtle, gradual shift without a clear catalyst. Practising activities that promote a greater sense of self-awareness are thought to help activate a deeper conscious awareness. These can include:

-mindfulnes

-mediation

caring for and connecting with plants or animals

But how do you know if you are having a spiritual awakening?

What are the signs of a spiritual awakening?

There can be many different signs and symptoms of a spiritual awakening. You may experience a few or more of these. There is no set number you ‘should’ experience; these can just be signs that you have begun, or are about to begin, a spiritual awakening.

Encountering more feelings of loneliness, deja vu or experiencing synchronicities (e.g. when you randomly think of someone from your past, then run into them shortly afterwards).

Feeling disconnected or detached from things you normally enjoy doing, or people you usually like to spend time with.

Having a heightened sense of intuition, feeling able to sense manipulation or inauthenticity.

Developing an increased or newfound curiosity in the world around you.

Experiencing more vivid dreams. Some experts believe that dreams give us insight into our unconscious thoughts, feelings and desires.

Chancing your habits or routine to prioritise your time in nature, meditating, or practising mindfulness.

Feeling like spirituality is becoming more important within your life, or a bigger focus for you.

Experiencing a need or urge to reevaluate your beliefs. This could mean reconsidering existing spiritual beliefs or taking on significant new ones. It could also mean giving up your job to pursue a different passion, or reprioritising your life.

Developing the desire to want to give back or be of service to others (this could be giving back environmentally, to animals, to your local community, or to people in general).

Feeling a deeper connection to nature or increased empathy with the world around you.

Having heightened senses, more awareness of body sensations, or other physical symptoms like fatigue.

What is the goal of spiritual awakening and how does it help you?

Going through a spiritual awakening can lead you to feelings of increased joy, wisdom, grace, and relief. You may feel like you better understand yourself, your connection to others, or to the universe as a whole. Some people believe that the increased awareness brought about by a spiritual awakening can help to bring about a sense of acceptance, or to encourage the manifestation of good things in their life.

How can I have a spiritual awakening?

Spiritual awakening can happen at any time. Most commonly triggered by major life events, they can also happen spontaneously. While you can open yourself up to the possibility and introduce helpful practices such as mindfulness and meditation, you cannot force an awakening to happen.

Some people believe that decluttering your life (physically and mentally), actively examining your beliefs, doing your best to expand your mind through seeking out knowledge and learning, as well as practising self-care and getting back to nature can help set you on the path to spirituality.

16 Spiritual Awakening Difficulties You Will Face In Spiritual Awakening Process

The spiritual awakening process can be a transformative and life-changing experience, but it is not always easy. It can be challenging and difficult because it involves a profound transformation of one’s consciousness and way of being that requires a willingness to confront deep-seated patterns, beliefs, and emotions. Spiritual awakening difficulties are common, and to be expected. Difficulties and challenges are impossible to avoid during a spiritual awakening process.

Spiritual Awakening Difficulties People Encounter During A Spiritual Awakening Process:

Facing Unresolved Issues: 

A spiritual awakening process often involves confronting unresolved issues, traumas, and patterns that have been buried deep within the psyche. This can be painful and uncomfortabl. It may require significant emotional work to heal. Facing these issues, traumas and patterns are exactly what needs to be done, though, in the spiritual awakening process. In the end it will be worth. During the spiritual awakening process it can be painful, especially if there is resistance to change. There is no better time to resolve the issues, make peace with the past, and forgive those who have harmed you. Keep in mind that unresolved issues will continue to fester until they are dealt with.

Letting Go of Old Patterns and Beliefs: 

A spiritual awakening often requires letting go of old beliefs and ways of being that no longer serve us. This can be challenging because these beliefs may have been deeply ingrained. They may have provided a sense of security and stability. These beliefs may also be tied to one’s identity and sense of self.

Loss of Identity: 

As old beliefs and patterns are shed, there may be a sense of loss of identit. There may be uncertainty about who one is and what one stands for. As you shed old beliefs and ways of being, this can lead to a sense of disorientation while you try to find your new path. Be at ease in this disorientation and know that it is temporary.

Resistance from the Ego: 

The ego can be resistant to change. It may feel threatened by the process of spiritual awakening. This can lead to feelings of inner conflict and struggle. Your ego may resist the changes that are taking place during a spiritual awakening, leading to feelings of inner conflict and struggle. Literally, your old identity is breaking down. The new identity hasn’t set up yet. This is a no man’s land in the meantime while the old breaks down and the new hasn’t set up yet.

Resistance In General: 

Resistance to change is a common challenge during a spiritual awakening process. It could be considered one of the number one challenges in a list of spiritual awakening difficulties. Change is inevitable when an awakening is underway. However, resistance is futile. There is no going back once a spiritual awakening begins. Don’t resist!

Lack of Support: 

Spiritual awakening can be a solitary experience. It can be challenging to find support and understanding from others who may not be going through a similar process. Very few people in the regular world are going to know how to support someone who is going through a spiritual awakening process. Spiritual teachers and therapists can help, though. Seek a new tribe: those who are also on a spiritual awakening journey and those who guide them.

Confusion and Uncertainty: 

A spiritual awakening process can bring up feelings of confusion as old beliefs and patterns are shed and a new way of being emerges. As you explore new beliefs and ways of being, you may encounter confusion and uncertainty. This can be challenging, as you try to make sense of your experiences and find your new place in the world.

Emotional Turmoil: 

Spiritual awakening can bring up intense emotions, such as fear, anxiety, anger, and sadness as you confront and release past traumas, beliefs, and patterns. A spiritual awakening can bring up repressed emotions and unresolved trauma. These can be challenging to deal with. Try not to lash out at others or yourself during this spiritual awakening process. It is temporary and will pass. Just keep doing the inner work and you will get through it.

Facing the Shadow Self: 

An awakening may involve facing the shadow self, the parts of ourselves that we may have rejected or denied. This can be painful. It may require confronting aspects of ourselves that we have tried to hide. It is time to connect to the parts of ourselves we don’t like, though, and make peace with why and how these aspects got there. Then we must transform them.

Loneliness and Isolation: 

The spiritual awakening process can be a solitary experience. It may be challenging to find others who understand and support the process. It may lead you to question your relationships and social circles because you are no longer a vibrational match with these people, places and situations. This can leave you feeling isolated and lonely as you try to find a new sense of community.

Anxiety & Panic Attacks: 

One of the spiritual awakening difficulties is possibly anxiety and panic attacks. It is a subconscious response to the dissolution of the old self and the old identity. Sometimes a person has a lot of self identity wrapped up in the old way of being. Some don’t know how to be now that things have changed within themselves. There can be a panic reaction to being in these uncharted territories of self while the new self is still being invented and discovered. That can be a scary process if you find yourself not being sure of yourself after a lifetime of knowing yourself to be a certain way. Just be patient with the spiritual awakening process. This too will pass!

Physical Symptoms: 

Some people experience physical symptoms during a spiritual awakening, such as headaches, body aches, and fatigue. These symptoms are often a sign that the body is releasing old patterns and toxins, . They can also be uncomfortable to deal with. Sometimes medication is necessary during this time, particularly for inflammation. Your body will need plenty of rest. Learn the art of taking naps!

Fear of the Unknown: 

The spiritual awakening process can bring up fear and uncertainty as you navigate new territory and explore unfamiliar aspects of yourself. You don’t know what the future will bring. There is doubt that this will be worth it digging up all these old wounds, and you are uncertain about who you are now. However, it will all become clear once the spiritual awakening difficulties have passed. Keep the faith!

Relationship Changes and Losing Friends:

 As your consciousness shifts, you may find that your relationships change. You may feel disconnected from people who were once close to you. You may find that you no longer resonate with their beliefs and values. Don’t be surprised if you lose some friends. Even long standing friendships and relationships may end or just fade away. Don’t worry. You will be making new friends in time as your consciousness shifts.

Feeling Lost:

 During a spiritual awakening, you may feel lost or confused as you let go of old beliefs and ways of being. This can lead to a sense of disorientation as you try to find your new path. Again, be at peace in the disorientation and realize that this is a re-formation phase.

Emptiness: 

Feeling empty isn’t unusual during an awakening. Again, you are in the midst of the old leaving and the new hasn’t arrived yet. You may not know how to fill yourself yet with the light, love and enthusiasm you once had… yet. Don’t worry, this will come in a new way.

The spiritual awakening process can be difficult and challenging. Seeking support from a spiritual teacher or therapist who can guide you through the process can be helpful in navigating the hardships, difficulties, and challenges of spiritual awakening. Practicing self-care and self-compassion is also crucial during the spiritual awakening process. Additionally, practicing self-care and self-compassion can be beneficial during this process.

The spiritual awakening process is also a transformative and rewarding process. It will lead to greater awareness, clarity, and fulfillment in life. It’s important to remember that while these challenges can be difficult, they are a natural part of the spiritual awakening process.

If you are experiencing difficulties during a spiritual awakening process, remember to be gentle and compassionate with yourself. Trust that the challenges you are facing are part of your journey toward greater awareness and growth.

You will get through it. It won’t last forever. Promise! It will be worth it in the end!

May God always bless you and may you all go thrugh life with Jesus Christ in your life

https://ralffriedrichs.info