#i am scared to try and drink this
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i bought cough syrup today but it smells like straight soy sauce. i wasnt really thinking hard abt which one to pick i should have looked for a basic fruit-esque one. that fucked up cherry flavor. why is there 22mg of sodium per dose in this
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One last thing while I'm ranting away! If someone has expressed multiple times that they have no desire to drink alcohol, stop trying to convince them to drink it!!!!!!!!!
#I don't care that you think you should buy me a drink to belatedly celebrate my 21st birthday#buy me a strawberry lemonade or something else that I'll actually enjoy#I don't want the alcohol and I'm tired of the pressure#it is insane how much people try to push the issue when I've spoken for years about how much I don't want to drink#I am clearly mentally ill. please don't try to force me into something that will further impair me. I'm scared#ashley rants
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Me remembering that convo me and my friend had regarding me never drinking alcohol and whether they were judging me for that fact or if I just imagined that-
#{ out of the empire } ~ ooc#the general speaks#it's hard not getting into the 'cool guy' shit when i write characters that drink and smoke#but here i am a sober mf who's scared to do either#i also want a tattoo but that's not the point#point is that family influences keep me from “trying out” that kinda shit and my friend in this ONE CONVO#kept wondering why i didn't drink and is kinda pressuring me into it#this was almost a week ago now but still man... jfc#tw: vent#tw: rant
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my birthday is in 8 days and i am n nnotttt feeling it . at all.
#i work the day before and day aftwr so i cant really go anywhere#i have nobody to invite if i could👍 turning 21 going to bed at 7pm and not drinking with no friends im like the ultimate loser#😁#i was planning to finish my meet the artist before my bday so i can make like a yearly thing with it#but i havent been able to sit down and color anything in forever#art has been so shit lately. i just sit down and scribble and then get mad and stop#playing sdv like an addict for a week and then completely dropped it#reading random manga i found in my closet (love hina)#i really am like . not feeling it#im off center#i want a new tat but i got dentist bills next month#and i really need a new car. i think mines about to explode#and I really need to go on testosterone#but i cant even go to the doctor for my migranes#so how am i gonna ask for hormones#everything is baby steps away but im too scared to even try#i couldve been on hrt since i graduated#i couldve been trying to get into schools#i couldve . fuck idk? actually learned guitar by now? instead of dropping it and letting it rot in my closet#I've been on fucking autopilot since 9th grade#last tkme i had friends.
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the observerrrrrr
#pardon the streaky window it was gross and dusty in here when i moved in but i only had clorox wipes#i am still worried sick about him his poop has a lot of mucous (probably because i've been giving him laxatone) and i just feel like hes not#acting like himself but of course we just moved and last time it took him a couple weeks to become normal again so that doesn't necessarily#mean anything i'm just SO scared he has a blockage secretly somehow but he hasn't puked at all and is still eating although he was slow to#finish his breakfast this morning which is extremely out of character but he did finish it after a couple minutes#and he hasn't really been drinking water besides what i add to his kibble so i think maybe he doesn't like this tap water? haven't tried it#yet personally so idk if it tastes weird but the last place had really chloriney water and he drank that fine#ugh#trying really hard not to keep panic texting my coworker because i've done that twice now and i don't want to piss her off lmao#and boss is mysteriously gone tomorrow so office won't be open until tues which is already really busy.....#i am questioning if he even ate the string atp but i saw the chewed off end and i know it formerly had a loop on it#which i never found anywhere so it's not like there's anywhere else it could really be#i feel like maybe it's still sitting in his stomach? when he has eaten things previously he's either barfed or shat them out by this point#and he is still having regular poops they're just loose with a lot of mucous but no blood or actual diarrhea or anything#i'm scared and also tired of not being able to sleep or eat from the worry lol#ok this has been your daily reese shit and piss update. yw#me#reese
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my therapist asking if i'd tried anything other than meds drugs and/or alcohol to sleep before. like bruh. the list is long. the nighttime ritual i had as a child worked most of the time but since then nothing really has been that effective. also probably because i haven't been able to form any routine on my own without outside reinforcement. ever. much less one that works in the long term. :smiles beautifully:
#like so far lamotritine + lithium is working but the restlessness and inability to find structure in anything is nailing me in the nuts#i guess i still got depressed and angry so i lapsed in meds and cycled back to hypomania#and now my sleep cycle is starting to get harder to do (?) weird to conceptualize that as something i even NEED to do much less WANT to lol#i am this close to asking for presc sleep meds but i wanna try getting amphetamines first to see if it helps me with daily tasks...........#he thinks i was depressed last monrh but i didnt see it!!! it wasnt nearly as bad as its been sooooo. idk also antidepressents scare me.sigh#i would love to make a list right now.#404 not found#I SPELLED LAMOTRIGINE WRONG. you get me you get my point. it's just a word. it's too long anyway#i wasn't over sleeping no diet changes and no mental slowdown just the typical thought issues and normal mood fluctuations.#<- which i guess is still too fucking much for normal ppl lmfao. jfc.#but i kind of know i'm in A State of Something right now#cause a friend came over and i word saladed everywhere and i'm not sleeping well am studying 3 different subjects playing two video games#binge watched 5 tv shows (oops) and cooked a bunch yesterday even though i've mainly just been drinking water and tea :)))))))#oh AND i overcommitted. and haven't been out of the house in a week. and am just now starting to communicate again.#<- that wasn't just a Wall of Ideas.#hmn think of me fondly tomorrow i will be Driving and staying overnight somewhere#which. driving shouldn't be too hard if i'm dosed LMAO#but yes first friend sleep over since julyyyy yikes let's hope we're still friends and not triggered by the end of it fucking hellllllll#*don't be a bitch don't be a bitch don't be a bitch don't be a bitch*#<- my mantra#omg i wanna code.#I've been on mobile for a while i forgot iff my tags look good on there
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I might probably start smoking or drinking sooner or later. Or maybe both
#no seriously i will say some heavy things in this tags so just be warned#i deal w a heavy heavy weight and my life is very shitty#i like living. sometimes. but my life is terrible yeah#i like finding unhealthy coping mechanisms because i know theyre unhealthy and I shouldn't be doing them so i have something else to worry#about.#i was formerly addicted to sh. i cant do it anymore cause ppl keep checking my arm and ugh i hate this#i am obsessed now w sweets. candy and energy drinks#mainly monster because its tasty. and i never drinked the other ones. im scared of trying new things ngl#my eyes are getting yellow and i am anemic already#i wont stop because i like having this to worry about.#“fuck i should stop doing this this is making my health terrible”#so i forget about my little shitty life#i am probably going to start smoking or drinking. or maybe both#i just wont vape because i have a lot of things agaisnt ppl who vape /silly#fuck i'm so young and like i live like if i was 25#someone should give me a pacifier and chocolate milk#i was not supposed to be living like that#🍷.txt#special#i probably just want someone to worry.
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If anyone relates to this even just a little bit, then I'm so sorry.
#• luna lavinchi speaking •#living with cptsd#cptsd vent#complex ptsd#diet culture trauma#monsters inside me#toxic health culture#ex vegitarian/vegan#emotional flashbacks#health documentaries#dark side of veganism#i should have never been forced to watch these as a child..my mind wasn't ready to understand the information nor tell what was real or not#-i cant try sushi or even think about fish without feeling physically sick and dizzy. i haven't had McDonald's since i was like 6ish years-#-old..i never wanted to share this information but i need to vent. I feel embarrassed and rude for not liking a food chain that most of the#-population does. Smelling or seeing McDonald's makes me wanna puke so bad because of everything those documentaries would say.#I will never be able to eat McDonald's in my life because of how sick and terrified i feel when thinking about the food even the drinks-#-scare the shit out of me. I'm so pissed that I'm triggered. All of the sudden i smell something in the house that smells like McDonald's-#-then the memories come flooding back and i feel like puking so back so i cant even eat dinner. i know this may seem stupid but i am-#-genuinly scared. Im tired of this shit and tired of feeling alone in this.#(anyway sorry. if you read my vent then i appreciate you)#tw food talk#tw diet culture#tw vent in tags#(dont even get me started on parasites cause thats a whole fucking trauma itself. damn it i hate it all. i hate it so much)#(also note: my therapist made me feel so validated weeks ago when i told her during my session that i was traumatized by monsters inside me-#-she literally knew the name of the show before i could even say its name. and she said she also cant watch it and that she saw it as an-#-adult who doesn't have ocd. so she told me she can't even imagine how terrified i was to watch it as a child who was developing ocd.-#-therapist W)
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Anyone else see The Spider at the ass crack of dawn every morning but only when opening your right eye or is that just me?
#this is a joke i know it's a hallucination#i just. need to say something where people can laugh with me instead of being concerned#it only happens when i wake up between like 5 and 6am and it varies from tiny to huge#this morning it looked ai generated and it's ass was yellow and almost bejeweled in how it looked#it's always a weird experience#cause like i know it's not real and i try to touch it to make sure#and I'm not unsettled like i am by a real one#and if i took the spiritual part of my pagan practice more seriously i might take it as a sign#but i know psychosis runs in my family and I've had hallucinations since i was a child#including ones induced by religion#so like I'm skeptical#it's really annoying and stupid though so i want to post where someone might laugh instead of telling me i have to tell my psych right away#like I'll tell her at my next appointment (the end of this month) but she's never been concerned about my hallucinations#i think that's cause i don't get command voices#i just get hallucinations that scare me or keep me awake#idk#i just felt like posting about my hallucinations today#they're always small things so it's not a big deal#anyway#drink water you heathens
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#periodical life updates#*lays in bed solemnly with my hands clasped like a corpse to be buried* so tomorrow im going to a deaf event for my asl class.#im very nervous since i can't even get through conversations in english right so idk how i'll do with a language i only know the basics of#im still pretty terrible at receptive interpreting. i already know i can't read signs from my classmates.#i see their hands move and i can't comprehend it even when they sign it again and again. oughh. wish i didnt have forgetting disorder.#i feel like im going to forget all the vocabulary i learned. i only know about 240 words more or less.#i know the people will likely be nice and hopefully be patient and i can write things down if i need to communicate but WAUHGH.#listen. i embarrassed myself in front of a coffeeshop employee because i didn't know how to order a drink and just left immediately.#and that was IN ENGLISH. i cant have normal conversations already!! FCK!!! WAUGHH!!#oughh. it'll be ok. gonna try my best and if i fck up then i simply run away into the ocean and am never to be seen again.#VERY SCARED!! okay that is all GOODBYE.
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Actually we r at 6 months now without any major deaths in my life, which is great! That's the longest I've gone without any major deaths since last May! The second longest was 4 months between July and November last year. Wow !
#speculation nation#negative/#i mean not exactly but also. ya kno.#really i dealt with death after death in may july november and the biggest in february#actually i think my great grandma died within the span between july and november. but i wasnt close with her & dont remember when#so idk if id count that. if i did then the longest would be 3 months. between november and february.#all this is to say. wow what a Fucking year last year was huh#i still dont rly feel like i have much trust in people staying alive in my life.#but maybe im a bit less scared of even more people in my life suddenly dropping dead.#... then again now i apparently have something wrong with my liver. which i am still not happy about.#the only reason why im not dying of anxiety is bc i still feel relatively normal overall.#but i also just remembered how. well. 28 has Long been my unlucky number. and im turning 28 next year.#so ive been half convinced im just gonna die when im 28. bc thatd be just my luck wouldnt it#and like overall theres no real reason why i Would die at that age. but now theres something wrong with my liver.#and like ok i dont think it's liver failure. i dont have any real symptoms for it#and if it was an emergency my doctor wouldve told me to go to the hospital. probably.#but idk. my truest anxiety about it is that it could be something cancerous. or something.#and really i have no reason to suspect that specifically. it's just one of the potential causes for the enzyme abnormality we found#but bc it's not entirely off the table. well now my mind has latched onto it. and is like 'What If'#and ok i just now looked into possible liver diseases to try to calm my anxiety. with mixed success.#bc i found all sorts of liver diseases. including cirrhosis. which is irreversible damage.#im just clinging to the hope of the fact that my readings werent Too high... just.#every single one associated with the liver was high. which means theres Definitely something wrong with my liver.#and im kind of scared it's bc of my prior alcohol use. i wasnt an alcoholic but i did drink pretty regularly for a bit.#but also how unfair would it be for me to get a liver disease from that??? the most i ever drank at one time was 8 shots#which is a lot but there are some people doing that kind of thing Regularly. and they dont get liver disease???#regardless this has been extra persuasion to stay off the alcohol. especially until i know what's up with it.#heyyyy mr liver inside me i prommy i will take good care of u from now on. pls dont die on me 😭😭😭#see ok this is what happens whem i start to think. i get anxious. i just need to keep not thinking.#it's 10 pm i think thats a good time for sleepies
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in some weird way that is truly hard to explain i knocked over an entire cup of tea straight on my phone and boxes of yarn. i'm gonna scream
#i've cleaned everything up already and the phone seems to be fine. and my computer too because some of the tea got underneath it#the yarn also is untouched i think but the boxes are made of cardboard so they're wrinkled a little now#but i discovered that in the process of cleaning everything up i stained my brand new white tshirt#god hates me fr#i'm not a clumsy person by any means. i try to take good care of everything#but then stuff like this happens and i wonder: am i really such a terrible person that things like that happen to me#everything i own seems to get damaged or dirty way faster than it does for everybody else even if i do things exactly like other people#also i'm sad because i can't drink my tea now :(#i don't wanna make myself another cup. i'm scared now
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had an exercise in theater today where one person tells a story and the other has to act it out without words very exaggeratedly. and when it was my turn i got a very long story but eventually, it got to a point where i'm seated at a dinner table, with dracula in front of me, and the guy describes it as "you get a feeling that he's more interested in having *you* for dinner" and i had to use all my power to act fearful like a normal person would be rather than start moaning
#i did tell him after that. that i am the wrong person to try to scare with vampire stuff bc i WANT them to drink my blood#(we've known each other for a week. but. we're from the same circles and he's my workplace bestie ig. so i figured it's okay to say :P)
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ohhh i’ve been home for like three hours and already i am on edge. i feel like i can’t cough now bc my mom hears and it’s distressing her over the overall state of my health so much that she came into my room with tears in her eyes. like i know it comes from a place of love but holy shit i cannot take this all summer.
#and i really do miss her and am glad to be home#but she’s apparently had a bad run lately when it comes to drinking and i am freaked out#it’s also that it comes from a place of her feeling like she’s failed as a mother and like shit just happens! you can’t do anything to help#- me no matter how much we both wish you could do this is just hurting us.#i hate being touched when she’s drunk too it just makes me feel wrong and scared and i feel bad bc she’s just trying to tell me how much she#- cares but also wtf am i supposed to do. i’m disabled and it sucks but you telling me how sorry you are just makes me feel like i need to#- protect your feelings#and then she ruins any chance i have at resting bc i am so fucking on edge and i hate it i can’t do this#it’s gonna be fine. i just need her to stop drinking right fucking now and that’s not gonna happen#ted talks
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life recently is feeling beautiful
#I am feeling a lot but I am feeling it. yk#trying to not get scared about the rest of my life etc… still am a little bit scared though#want to write my book#agent woman said she wants to read it#big life stuff happening. need to write my BOOK#photos#I’m at work now having my little iced latte and it’s like ok#it does not all have to be big and scary rn I can just drink my coffee
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i can’t stop thinking about it lmao potassium of 7.3 is wild
#i’ve never seen one that high only heard about it like some kinda folklore#i’m crying i was in with another patient and my coworker came in with a sticky note with ‘6C - potassium 7.2’ written on it#and she showed it to me and i literally just 😦🥲#we’re all running around like madmen while not trying to scare this patient like 😦🥹😋 have this drink pls while i give you some iv meds#‘what am i giving you? just some dextrose and insulin to push your potassium back where it belongs 🤗🤗’#‘you’re also gonna go to a tele ward before we give you some drugs to stabilise your heart walls! 🫶🏼’
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