#i am now going to catch up on everything
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dududu~
#rwby#rwby fanart#penny polendina#weiss schnee#frostbyte#zenta draws#im alive#i am now going to catch up on everything#please take this while i remember how to draw
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pick your battles
#my art#my stuff#art#comic#original art#pride 2024#pride month#trans allegory..... or not even allegory. just trans .... ^_^#i technically cannot come out yet but i don't think the people who i need to not see this stalk my tumblr#i know they stalk everything else like my twitter and my instagram but this might be safe#so fuck it we yap. this is a comic about picking your battles#this is a comic about how for almost a year now everyone at home in singapore has been crying about my sore throat#my terrible fucked up voice. my you know. etc#i came out as not cis and using they/them pronouns in 2015 when i was 14#but no one ever used my pronouns. none of my classmates or friends even up until i left for college in 2020#from 2020 onwards every year i wrote an angry vulnreable essay about how much it hurts that they dont remember#and people would dm me apologizing on their hands and knees and commending my bravery#and then forget about it all over again. id ont mean 'they misgender me and then catch it and apologize and correct themselves'#i mean they dont even get that far#and so you might ask yourself: why have you kept them around all this time?#and i would have to explain that by pure bad luck i grew up in the most conservative close minded community#that all of my ex classmates that stayed in singapore are cishet and upper middle class and chinese singaporean#that i Am the trans person. that they were able to ignore me for a decade partially because there was no one else#so this is a comic about how there is dignity and grace in staying in the closet sometimes#about how not everyone deserves to see you at your happiest. about how some people can go fuck themselves#you know your truth and THATS THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS!!! YEAH!!! i love you
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Currently dealing with the idea that I have hypermobile joints and possibly mild HSD, gonna have to ask my doctor about this, but I pitched this idea to my physical therapy guy and he said, in the most deadpan tone possible, “Would you believe that I am not surprised by this.” And then I remembered this man has seen me casually touch my heel to the opposite hipbone just because I felt like stretching that leg. While having a herniated disc. And lying down. The reason it matters is that I wobble all over the place and it affects my ~Form in doing these exercises correctly for my back. So now that we have this hypothesis, we’re paying attention to this and working on things to strengthen various muscles so I fall over less while, say, just standing still.
#‘hey! what if I could explain everything about your terrible balance and rolling ankles and herniated discs?!’#thank you I will go stare at a wall now#yes I am also audhd thank you for asking#this is why my knees click! this is why!!#why we didn’t catch it before: I have zero joint pain#is. is this why I can pick up things with my toes
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My rendition of @tempo-takoyaki's DTIYS!
Congrats on the milestones! And to everyone else, please go check out their 'Drawing TGCF (except I haven't read the books)' series!
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#svsss#tgcf#wei wuxian#shen qingqiu#xie lian#better drawn mdzs#(Vaguely??? I think SQQ came out handsome enough to put him in my special gallery)#Showing up to submit this less than 3 days before the DTIYS ends is filling me with a bit of anxiety but it is done!#Initially I was going to do a descending level of realism/detail but noses make me nervous still. One day I'll get there.#The irony is that I was planning on drawing something to celebrate tempo finishing season 1 of their series only to find this DTIYS!#*and* it was their birthday recently. I am compelled to lift them into the air and shout their praises.#What a genuinely kind person with an art style I want to bite into like a crunchy apple!!! The *range* is incredible!#Also their xie lian is probably one of my favourite interpretations. So done with everything but not misanthropic.#Remembers everything and lets other's spin in circles with their lies for the sheer chaos of it all. Teases relentlessly. Deeply sad.#Give it a read! They are planning on continuing on so now is a great time to catch up!#Thanks for hosting this fun art challenge Tempo! We all appreciate you deeply B*)#I hope you have a better year in 2024 - you truly deserve the best.
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i need a new strategy for like, cleaning my room and doing yoga and reading and leaving the house. the adhd has reached mythic levels of bad. i have the thought, "i should do X," and then i won't move. i make a to-do list and i won't do anything on it. i queue up a yoga practice and i won't do it. i stare at my room and get stressed out about how cluttered it is. i write 3000 words of notes for a fic i don't even know if i'm going to write. i think and i think and i think about my OCs and they won't let me write them. i spend hours looking at stuff i can't buy. i take like an hour to write this.
#rum.txt#i have to do something about my phone...........#i might be able to uninstall tumblr#i can't uninstall twitter because the stupid fucking thing turns off notifications when you do#so i wouldn't be able to catch up on the accs i have notifs on for#(a very small list of forcebook- and kaibaek-related accs)#i can't uninstall instagram because of forcebook again lol#i also use it for recipes sigh#but i might start just... leaving it in my room when i get up and see how that goes#i'd also have to try to not look at my phone first thing in the morning#i also have to start actually getting up in the morning#i think that's the main thing#ok maybe when i take my medication in the evening i start getting ready for bed#it'll take long enough that it'll probably still be late but reasonable late#and not like. almost 3 am like now#one of the problems with my room right now is that i have a lot of STUFF#and i'm afraid of getting rid of the STUFF#because the last time i got rid of a bunch of STUFF#(mostly clothes)#i totally regretted most of it and i'm still like ah shit i don't have that anymore? :(#but also i have a big bed that i just want OUT of there#and a huge wardrobe that unfortunately holds a lot of the STUFF#so i don't know where all the STUFF would go#and every job i apply to sucks#and every job i actually want is TERRIFYING in both its unattainability and the miniscule possibility of its improbable successful executio#so i'm like stressed out about a thing that hasn't happened to make something that hasn't happened that i'm also stressed out about#every possible scenario whether i want it or not feels like it could lead to a meltdown because everything is so god damn hard right now#AND I FEEL SO!!!!!! SMALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#and the worst part is that i know all this is because my stupid fucking period is coming up#but just because my hormones are making me feel overwhelmed and melodramatic about everything doesn't make anything i've said untrue
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#me quietly to myself: am i finally ready... to follow the skz people blogs I've been living at for at least a year now anyway?..#I'm with my usual bullshit pay me no mind#people who already know know ajhsjd#this thing where i can't follow new people because the dash seems overwhelming as it is#(and by new people i mean people whose blogs I've been visiting daily for a year yes)#and recently yes im feeling like my dash is actually a bit overwhelming#i sometimes can't even catch up with it after i wake up (a thing that is normal to want and possible to archive)#but also im literally like at the skz people's territory all day every day#spending more time over there than on my dash#like maybe it's time#besides today with the livestream and everything#i was sitting there so cozy thinking like ah we're watching this together it's so nice#the only thing that would make the experience better is me actually FOLLOWING PEOPLE#anyway I'll sleep on it and like again pay me no mind this is the brain issues i just seem to have#still such a funny problem to have#as far as I'm concerned most people on tumblr follow so many more blogs#and i get overwhelmed with just a few#you'd think I'm not having fun on here but thats not true#but i am in fact always have more fun on here when i manage to psspspsp someone with the same interest#i love tags reblogs replies i love these interactions#and the funny little follow button makes all this so muuuuch easier#alas the brain bugs that are eating my brain are never asleep#but still I'm gonna go sleep and im gonna just be chill about all this#thanks for coming to the least making sense ted talk#chattering
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Hum...
#im just thinking... im okay tho /gen#just thinking about the words the bestie said to me after I told him about my mental health...#particularly a phrase... he just said 'you are already committed' and when i asked what he meant he said 'to life'#its just... idk... it was impressive and had such a weird feeling... sadly i guess i am committed........ 'sadly' huh....#sigh another important thing was that it was crucial i went back to therapy... i dont really want to tho...#but 'youve been feeling like this for a long time you need help' ... sigh... what i need is...#the future is so scary... sigh... okay#ill put an alarm to wake up earlier tomorrow and work on that!#seari talks#what i need is adderall- jsjsjsjsjs yeah... alr im sleepy time to mimir#tomorrow ill catch up with everything i missed too#also if anyone reads this dont worry pretty person! i got a bit scared/upset up there but its okay#im quite stable right now! at least enough to survive for a couple days! so yup!#miiiight have to look up a new therapist tho... since aside from help i wanna get a diagnosis....#sigh... but okay that's not for rn seari it's for future seari. rn seari has to go mimir because shes tired#a mimir a mimir pat pat pat
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having like. objectively a godawful shitty fucking no good very bad day can u guys send asks
#absolutely everything is falling apart at work today#and while im trying to keep the place from catching fire stuff in my regular life starts blowing up too#and long story short im fuckin. out $50 now bc of shit i couldnt control#and im on my period. and i dont have pads bc why am i still getting my period on t for the love of GOD#and i have a stupid. obligation i agreed to w my parents tomorrow that i totally forgot abt until now#but after today i just wanna go home and pass out for 48 hours straight its the only way ill recover from today#and also a lot of weed but thats neither here nor there#not to mention the one moment i have to check my socials i go on tumblr and see ppl falling for and agreeing w thinly veiled transphobia#which is the whole reason i wanted to be on this site less in the first place but i was on such a good streak of not seeing it#and the one day im already in a bad mood. god#i know its rich complaining abt tumblr on tumblr lol but. listen man whatever lmao#my point is i desperately need to be distracted rn bc im just . thru the roof stressed and pissed off rn#juno.txt
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i am officially, FINALLY all caught up again in both the manga and the anime for bsd and OH BOY there are thoughts and opinions but also WHO CARES because my tags are finally FREE to be unfiltered
#hnnnnnn#i am SO happy#i am BEYOND happy#i love the arc even if i complain about it a lot#but i am also hnnnnnn…….displeased……..with a few things#the anime fr about to catch these hands#i already KNEW they were rushing it from the few episodes i had watched#but the anime is usually SO good at pacing#that i fully trusted that certain things would be slowed down for significance/impact/etc#but instead the pacing just stayed WAY too fast for me#and they ended up cutting SO many small moments that had SO much importance like im going crazy about some of them#some of the lines they cut…….#or even adjusted slightly that it drew away the impact#ugh i KNOW there was a LOT to balance and a LOT of content to get through#but i am a little disappointed that so many emotional scenes were what ended up suffering for it#this is why i don’t usually like reading the manga for animes i watch#i always end up getting disappointed by the limitations of adaptations#that being said though regardless of general limitations i don’t think some of the rushing is above criticism#and i am going to go and eat glass while seething over the particularly offensive rushing/cuts😤#OKAY DONE that’s the last i’ll say about it i would just go crazy if i didn’t vocalize it somewhere#in general i was VERY happy with the arc in both the manga and the anime i have SO much love for it#definitely a favorite for me#and THAT concludes my very vague no spoiler review#i swear one of these days my self control is going to snap#and im just going to start posting my full essays and content analysis shit about everything i watch here#but for now we’re safe and all my rants will stay spoiler free tag paragraphs instead godbless🙏
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well. i finished ch 17 of hi3. but at what cost
#avil plays hi3#tbf majority of me playing through hi3 just looks like This.#yes the acheron trailer made me get up and finish ch 17#i. :(#the fight between kiana and mei was so painful :(#ok also i suck ass in the combat and i was so scared of having to restart#BUT I THINK I HURT MORE THE FACT THAT KIANA JUST REFUSED TO GIVE UP ON MEI#BUT MEIS ALSO DOING THIS BECAUSE SHES TRYING TO SAVE KIANA#AND THEY WERE BOTH FIGHTING TO STOP AND TRY TO SAVE EACH OTHER#MEI YOU SAVED KIANA BUT LIKE..... DONT YOU WANT TO LIVE ALONGSIDE HER.... MEI PLEASE#tbh. the way i was going through ch 17 for hi3.#kiana and mei remind me a lot of oz and gil's relationship back in pandora hearts but#now it makes me want to hit my head on a brick wall because#'wow. i really just gravitate tO THE SAME FUCKING MEDIA EVERY DAMN TIME AVIL STOP IT FFS'#also idk i was thinking about it too#mei tried earlier to use the herrschers powers to try and protect kiana but it wasnt enough. she failed that time#and with no other option to save her she just HAD to and it makes me HURT that this was her only option#IN HER HEAD. I BELIEVE IN YOU MEI I THINK THERE COULDVE BEEN ANOTHER OPTION HERE (IDK WHAT BUT I AM SOBBING)#sprawls on the ground#at least i can have an emotional break for a little bit.... hsr update so i can chill w that#and then when i finish catching up w that. then i go back to being hi3's punching bag#can i get off this train now? why'd i sign myself up for this (welt yang doomed me and then i got fucked over by everything else)#idk also the way that both mei AND kiana resorted to using their herrscher powers to stop the other. two stubborn people....#but its done because they just... they just care so much and want to save the other#okay yeah we did beat each other up about it bUT STILL#MEI I BELIEVE IN YOU YOU CAN TURN THIS AROUND 😭😭😭😭😭#anyways. glad i did. i have the worst stomach ache rn so i was Going through it#but my brain hit a reset so i feel normal now. save for the crying
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One of my big compulsions is taking a fuck ton of screenshots Just In Case a piece of information is important in like 4 years and I can't remember it (sometimes the information is an instagram post that I might not remember later and of course needs to be recorded everywhere (I will Not be looking at that again)) so today is my transfer 16000 images off my phone admin day (woo)
Like yeah I never looked at any of them and they were completely irrelevant to my daily life, But what if I need them ✨️ later ✨️ (you'll see that the idea of Later is doing a lot of heavy lifting here) OR what if there's a vital piece of information in the mix somewhere that I'll lose forever if I delete them? So: onto the external hard drive they go
This is one of those cases where. Yeah. Ideally I wouldn't take 16000 screenshots in half a year. And YEAH ideally I'd just delete them and not transfer them somewhere else to never look at again. BUT at least I get a clean slate and I can maybe not mindlessly save everything for 2 seconds. It's like. Small wins? Progress. Yknow.
#rangnar rambles#i also use my tumblr drafts this way which is how i have probably 2000 drafts for this blog that are just? like me saving a post for 'later#and then theres too many in my drafts for me to even find *MY* drafts#i need to just hard reset the draft function bc its literally unusable for me#'matt this is all irrational and weird' by god. my irrational thoughts disorder makes me do weird shit? are you fr rn??? 😨😨#i get so stupidly in my own head and then i dont make progress towards Anything#even like a fun sideblog where i can actually yknow. post that 2k nightmare? i just cringe myself out like a dumbass 😔#i feel like ocd thoughts always sound lame out loud (and in my head to myself too)#like the Urgency doesnt come across#like in the moment i am Completely convinced that my national insurance number and bank deets are in there somewhere#and theres suddenly no way on earth i could ever find them again if i delete the picture. so to the hard drive they go#i Would go through that whole thing if i suddenly needed a screenshot from 2019 btw. like the crazy isnt theoretical#ive hallucinated gas leak smells before and woken up my flatmates bc i couldnt convince myself i was over reacting#its just cus the seasons have changed that everythings ramping up but omg its hard to do anything but spiral nowadays#thats a little dramatic but i am losing like. a quarter of the day to my ocd#its like. not great 😬#im not back to convincing myself i gave my dad cancer but i am not letting myself use half the kitchen again#but eh soo la voo we ball#HAH i checked my drafts after this and i was lowballing so hard#5.7k on this blog. 12k on my main 💀. its not funny but it kind of is#this is why youll never catch me running a queue#this is such a miserable post but i do feel the need to not let it sit in the drafts pile. to prove the point i guess 💀💀💀#'no one gives a shit this is your blog' 'oh my GOD WHAT IF PEOPLE GIVE A SHIT' <- omg shut upppp youre so embarassing 🙄#one more time for the gallery: i am like. aware that these feelings are irrational. like i am fine it just takes time for reality to kick in#ANYWAYS what was that who said that that was so weird im gonna go look at old romantic era paintings now#if tam is a screenshot fiend in the next fic u know what happened
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Quick update regarding life stuff! Had a couple of days off to recuperate and rest up but I'm still sick with whatever nasty cold is going around. It's back to work tomorrow though so activity will be scarce a little longer 'til then. ♥
#🐍 || ooc#;; delete later#I'm so tired of everything going on lately#Three big shifts incoming but at least I've had a sleep and managed to get my stuff washed#Slept from 6am to nearly 5pm today so clearly needed it#I want to write but am struggling to focus so might just catch up on some small things#Not writing for a while makes it seem so much more daunting now and I'm feeling insecure bleh :(#negativity tw#negativity cw#Sorry for whining just feel so ugh inside and out
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so i maaaaaay have fallen deep into spirk suddenly 👉👈 without warning i don't even know how i got here sent help
#havoc updates#no i am no kidding#no worries! this will pass though! i won't forget the other stuff i've been working on. this is just a pattern with me#did not predict this out of all things would happen though#it's not like i'm only now into this btw as i watched the show as a kid. grew up with it even though i had no media literacy at all#everything flew over my head. probably cus it's dialogue heavy and subtext wasn't even close to being in my vocabulary#it's just so strange tho cus it's not like i'm even THAT into it but the old man yaoi's now got me on a bit of a choke hold rn#like damn it! they easily fit in the dynamics i like with characters. they also just have such immaculate dialogue together. peak material#i yearn to write characters with that level of chemistry#also a part of my soul yearns to draw fanart but also like... what would i draw? just them holding hands?? maybe???#i mean... there's no harm in it but also i'm so shy about it atm -///- i've never drawn these two losers before and i'm nervous!!#also it just hit me that all my other interests are either games or animated and this is the only life action show out of them all#think i'm also unsure what to due cus it's been ages since i've touched the franchise as a whole and i'd have to do SO much catch up T-T#the most i remember is that i watched the stuff but not the nitty gritty. also my brain is a bit occupied hyperfocusing on another franchis#soooo yeah... that doesn't help at all. darn you brain! why can't you just hyperfocus on more than one thing at a time!#and why must you suddenly hyperfocus on one thing for a week or a whole month before going back to the same old ;-;#gosh. am blabbering so hard rn. my bad#no clue what this post even is#hope my incoherent ramblings were entertaining for those who read this far :D
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for songs that have to be listened to 5 months after a loss, rather than 5 days after a loss,
no wonder it didnt stick back then. this is a song for now.
#speculation nation#music#audio#i am just... yeah#when it was fresh everything was a backdrop of pain. i was compartmentalizing like crazy just to get through it all.#that first week especially. working to get his house packed up. working to arrange the funeral. going through all those pictures#because I was the one in charge of putting together the slideshow.#there was no peace. it was just exhausted perseverance. just trying desperately to hold on. one foot in front of the other.#but this. 5 months later. ive been healing. little by little. but as this song states. Everything is different now.#yeah. this album is hitting so much more now. i really did need to wait 5 months for the loss to be less fresh to really get it.#i think this song might be my favorite from the album now. just because. this song feels like my constant state of being.#the past is in ashes. the past is a basket that catches all that's tragic.#the future's an intruder that will seduce you. the present is a madness that's impossible to catch. and the past is a bastard.#just the old grief chapter.#idk. it just feels so right.#Spotify
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#im in so much fuckin pain i cant move ugh#like. typing this is excruciating#but i cant just stare at the wall or im gonna lose it eventually ugh#my pain is getring progressively worse these days and the last 2 months have been hell#doctors r worried this might be my new normal for the time being#which. uh#SUCKS#bc i cannot stand or walk for more than 5 mins#and i need a walker w me bc my cane isnt enough#and most days i am trapped in bed (or on the couch if i can make it there) unable to take care of myself#bc everything hurts and i feel like i'm being tortured#oh and my lordosis & the related pain is now at a level that might need serious medical intervention#my migraines r out of control#my joint problems r also way worse#and u kno what ? i would like to die now#thanks#truly and genuinely#im so done#i cant keep going this way#my doctor has no idea what to do#and the pain clinic im a patient of refuses to help further unless i sign up for their ridiculous pain education program#which is 8 weeks long with mandatory in-person weekly attendance (i do not live near it & cant afford transportation)#where they tell u all the ways ur pain is ur own fault and give u unrealistic and ridiculous advice abt exercise and lifestyle changes#that u Cannot do bc of said disabilites and pain#jfc#our healthcare system is broken and nobody cares if i live or die or suffer#AND im stuck dealing w my mother complaining abt my existence nonstop bc she resents me for the things i cannot do independently#so u kno what ya i am done. im so done. i give up#catch me rotting in this bed forever until i die. thats the only option being given to me
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Being in that weird middleground of homeschooled and unschooled is very... Strange..!
#Like. I DID go to school! Until I was 9! And then I didn't anymore.#I don't know math but I am literate. Science eludes me and I don't understand basic functions. But I. Am literate!#Going back to learn things as an adult is so frustrating and embarrassing because these topics are only every framed for children#Understandably! I don't have a problem with that itself. However it makes it more obvious how far behind you are on everything#And it's exhausting. The progress is slow. I can't spend a school day's worth of time studying because I have responsibilities.#My mother made it clear that it is my job alone to learn these things. When my brother expressed his rage over it she said the same to him.#'If you're so upset by it why haven't you learned it yourself?' Something along those lines. It hurts a lot#Where do you start. I have over 10 years to catch up on. I know he was confused and overwhelmed as well.#Whether or not it is our responsibility to learn now.. It doesn't change that she should have taught us then.#But I can't talk about it. Or I will get yelled at or guilt tripped... 🙏
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