#i am not opposed to violence in daily life

[kin-the-muffin]

my entire personality is just that one hufflepuff that demands to be feared like

me, a literal puffball: I AM THE GOD OF DESTRUCTION

my friend: sure you are honey, do you want some goldfish?

me: imsorryforyellingpleasedontleavemeyesiwouldlikesomegoldfish

[bvidzsoo]

Obliviate Me

✩‧₊˚ Obliviate ⇄ to forget [Latin] ✩‧₊˚

Author: bvidzsoo

Pairing: dark!Park Seonghwa x female reader

✩‧₊˚ Warning: smut, addiction, ptsd, mentions of war, violence, fights ✩‧₊˚ Word count: 27.6k ✩‧₊˚ Rating: nsfw ✩‧₊˚ Genre: Harry Potter!au, set in the forties/Grindelwald's time, lovers to enemies!au, tragic love!au ✩‧₊˚ Summary: ✩‧₊˚ Grindelwald's reign holds everyone under terror, and you decide you want to join the right side and put an end to it. But the stars seem to refuse to align for you and your lover as you find yourselves on opposing teams. Will your love prevail, or will you succumb to the darkness? ✩‧₊˚

A/N: My lovelies, I...I am bawling my eyes out ngl, I can't believe I wrote this. Bring a box of tissues with you before you sit down reading, I am already forever sorry if I cause anyone any heartache<3 I have proofread this, but it's past 1am and you might still find mistakes, so I'm sorry about that! There's little time jumps in here, so for a quick clarification, after each divider you'll find them back in the current time (which is still in the forties!). I probably had a lot more things to say, but I forgot and I'm sleepy, so I'll settle for this much: there are probably some inaccuracies to the Harry Potter canon events as I took some creative liberty so yeah, keep that in mind when reading; also Mingi and MC aren't related, they just share the same surname! I poured my blood, sweat, and tears into this oneshot y'all (as into everything I write LOL), so I hope you enjoy! I appreciate all of your thoughts, so please leave feedback, I love reading them!<3 (special shotout to @hwasbbyg because somehow I always have you in mind when I'm writing something Seonghwa related <3) divider

            Times were dire, both in the Wizarding World and the Muggle World. Supremist leaders with atrocious views unleashed attack after attack upon innocent civilians, creating more destruction than victory. My heart broke daily reading the newspaper, both the muggle and wizard one. It made my blood boil that two men, so different yet similar upon closer view, would play God and decide what was wrong and right. Who was pure and who deserved to suffer. Nobody was perfect, nobody will ever be. I couldn’t just sit idly at home and be the housewife many women dreamed of becoming after graduating. I wanted to make a name for myself, I wished to become strong enough to save the innocent, to take their side and advocate for those who were too scared or weak to do so for themselves. That is why upon graduating from Hogwarts, I became an Auror. The training was harsh and demanding, but it wasn’t anything I wasn’t ready to bear if it meant it would lead to saving millions of lives. I was sick of all the spilled blood and wailing on the streets, I wished to see peace and serenity, to go to bed without the fear of never waking up again. Four years have passed since I have left the confines of Hogwarts, since I was forced to face the horrors of the outside world, to fend for myself, and to become someone. It was hard and terrifying, but for once, I felt complete. I felt happy with where I stood in my life, I was proud of who I had become. And I knew that as long as Grindelwald isn’t stopped, I shall not rest even for a second.

The auditorium was small in size and stuffed, the benches placed in a circular shape around a platform that had a table sitting on it and a chair. It was deep down on the second level, far away from the Auror’s offices, hidden between the women’s and men’s restrooms. The auditorium wasn’t meant to be easily found and it was only used when a situation had turned dire, when an emergency meeting just had to be called. I had chosen to sit towards the back of the auditorium, closer to the exit as the air felt stale and warm inside the stuffed room, at least thirty aurors squeezed together towards the front of the room. My throat felt parched and my palms were sweaty as I had them placed in front of me, leveling my breaths as Theseus Scamander, the Head of the Auror Office, stood tall on the platform, a forlorn look on his face. Anyone who had picked up the newspaper earlier this morning must’ve seen the devastating news of the destruction caused to the small and welcoming wizarding village, Apo’s Nook. There was nothing left of it, just the ashes of ghosts that would haunt the land and the smoking foundations of destroyed homes that would never flourish again.

I felt a lump in my throat as Theseus sighed long and loud, eyes surveying the auditorium. It was deadly silent in here, everyone was either too mad or sad to say anything. The time was barely nine in the morning and we knew we had a long day ahead of us. This meeting was a top-secret one, whatever was said inside this auditorium would be never allowed to leave the confines of these walls. Only the best of the best aurors were called in, no doubt for a mission that would be challenging both physically and mentally. It wouldn’t be my first special mission, yet I couldn’t help but feel dread for what was to come. A tiny voice in the back of my head tried to whisper warnings this morning while I was getting ready to come to work, my gut twisting nauseatingly and making me more restless than I usually was. Something would happen here today that I wouldn’t like, and I couldn’t do anything about it.

“Good morning, aurors.” Theseus’ voice rang loudly in the quiet room and I gulped, feeling sweat collect on my nape, under my hair. I didn’t want to get rid of my jacket, finding the warmth it provided comforting, but I was sweating too much. Careful, not to make any sound, I wrestled out of the satin fabric and placed it onto the table in front of me. My dress was thick to protect me from the merciless winter, and it reached just below my ankles as the front had a V-cut that stopped just above the valley of my breasts, “I assume you all know by now why you’ve been called here.”

There was a collective murmur of confirmation to Theseus’ question and I gulped, patting my forehead free of any perspiration, “What occurred in the early hours of today’s morning is—terrible and unforgivable.”

I couldn’t help but let my eyes run over the aurors as Theseus’ voice shook with raw emotion. He was just as affected by the news as everyone else in the room. I fiddled with my fingers as my eyes finally fell on a familiar person, the tiniest smile slipping onto my lips. It brought little comfort and assurance to see my former professor in a place where I was surrounded by fearless warriors who were mere strangers to me, but would soon become my trusted companions. The only other two aurors that I did become friends with throughout the four years of working here were Song Mingi and Jeong Yunho, partners in missions and other aspects of life, and I haven’t seen them in over a month now. They were alive, and as safe as possible, but they were far away from our home, in a land colder and far scarier than what London was at the moment. They were close to the German border, spying on Grindelwald’s men having infiltrated themselves amongst them. They were our precious informants, their jobs far more dangerous than ours at the moment. I couldn’t help but pray every night to a God that listened, that the two people I started cherishing in such a short time would return to me in one piece and alive.

“Grindelwald has destroyed another village,” Theseus’ words snapped me out of my thoughts as Professor Dumbledore turned his head, gaze finding mine, “wizards and witches were killed once again because they refused to join his dark cause. This cannot go on anymore, I won’t allow it.”

Professor Dumbledore bowed his head slightly in a nonverbal greeting before he turned his head, looking at Theseus with an unreadable expression on his face. I gulped and subconsciously reached for the pocket of my coat, feeling around for the plastic holder in the shape of a tube.

“I was given full permission to construct a team that will directly take out Grindelwald’s men until he’s left with nothing, until he’s alone and powerless.” Theseus leered, face contorted into fury, “I shall task you with bringing down these disgraces one by one, dead or alive, I do not care as long they cannot help Grindelwald anymore.”

My fingers tightened around the plastic, my head turning when I saw a man stand up with a heavy-looking folder in his hands approach Theseus, “We have gathered all the information we could about Grindelwald’s most important wizards and witches, they are our main target. I want you all to look at these photographs closely, commit them to memory as each one of you will be handed one to capture and bring forth to the court.”

I watched from the back of the auditorium as the man opened the folder and placed it down on a table in the front row, starting to hand out photograph after photograph. Knowing that I sat way too far in the back, I rose to my feet and swiftly took the plastic bottle from my pocket, slipping it between my breasts so that nobody would see it. Pushing my hands behind my back, I walked down a few stairs until I reached the row that had more wizards sitting in it, grabbing a photograph that wasn’t being looked at yet. The picture was in black and white, but the face of the witch was clear. Something in my stomach coiled as I recognized her being my peer at Hogwarts, just a year above myself, and a Slytherin like I had been too. The man sitting next to me looked at me with a questioning gaze, and I passed him the photograph as he handed me another one, this one of an older wizard who had a cunning look in his eyes as he held a cigar between his teeth. Something was unsettling about his gaze as I leaned against the side of the table, passing it along as another then another photograph passed through my grasp as I committed their faces to memory. Some of these pictures seemed to have been taken recently, right at Apo’s Nook before it went up in flames. My jaw clenched as the witch in the next photograph was grinning widely as if she was taunting us, and I accidentally passed it to the man next to me a bit too harshly as he gave me a concerned look. I ignored him and took a deep breath, fingers itching to hold onto the plastic bottle hidden between my breasts. The news this morning had been too shocking, and I had no choice but to take two pills instead of one. It wasn’t healthy, but I did force my breakfast down my throat in hopes that it wouldn’t make me feel ill if I doubled the dose.

The next photograph that was passed to me was flipped upside down, and I sighed as I braced myself for another unfamiliar face to commit to memory, except that when I flipped it, my whole body froze, blood going cold. I tried to gulp, but I couldn’t due to the lump in my throat. My lungs contracted, and I desperately tried not to gasp as my fingers dug into the fragile paper and I fought the urge to rip the photograph into shreds. I knew this would happen sooner than later, but I realized how completely unprepared I was for it. The wizard in the photograph was smiling widely, the photo not recent at all, his round eyes turning upwards at the corners, his front teeth on full display. His hair had been freshly cut before the photograph was taken, yet it still fell in his eyes as he failed to style it—he was talented at many things, yet he never quite learned how to tame his wild hair. I could feel my hands start to shake the longer I stared at the face of my first love, my heart beating so fast my ears started to ring. I struggled to breathe and I knew I was turning pale as my lips parted, a quiet gasp leaving through them. It was enough to alert the man sitting next to me as I felt his eyes on me, but my body couldn’t react to anything as I crumbled up the photograph, throwing it far away from myself. I heard my name being called and words that sounded like they were asking if I was alright, but my vision had started turning black from the lack of oxygen. The room was too small, too stuffy, too warm; I couldn’t breathe.

Hands still shaking, I gripped my dress and lifted it above my ankles as I abruptly turned around, eyes settling on the exit desperately as I felt my feet take me up the stairs, running as I extended my hand way before I have reached the door to grab the handle. My heart was in my throat and the ringing in my ears was as loud as a kettle’s whistle, and I yanked the door open with all the force I could muster up due to the tremor of my whole body. The air of the hallway hit me hard, making me gasp loudly as I slammed the door shut behind me, feeling tears prick at my dry eyes as I flung myself forward, hands cushioning my crash as I flew into the wall in front of me, forehead banging against it. I needed it, I needed something painful to shake me out of my borderline psychotic state. I couldn’t take another pill so soon, I really just shouldn’t. I bit my lower lip as I struggled to take deep breaths, the tremors of my body worsening as my hands curled into fists, forcing me to close my eyes. The ringing in my ears had started to subside, but my heart was still beating way too fast and my throat was too dry. I really couldn’t take another pill just yet; however, my right hand was reaching for the bottle without wasting another second as I uncapped it and grabbed two pills out of it, throwing them back as my eyebrows furrowed, struggling to gulp them down at once.

I stood desperately waiting for the downers to kick in, the thumping of my head subsiding as the ringing of my ears went away completely, the tremors of my body remaining, however. I felt my muscles trying to relax, not even having noticed how tense they had become, and I gulped as I turned around to press my back against the wall, groaning as my head fell back. My throat had started hurting, the pills having scrapped it, but I couldn’t care less as my frantic heartbeat had finally started slowing down. I heard the door of the auditorium open, and my eyes opened as I watched my former professor approach me with a concerned look on his face. He held a plastic cup that he extended towards me, and I took it eagerly, downing the cool water as it finally soothed the ache in my throat. I crumpled the plastic in my fist, sighing long as I looked at Professor Dumbledore, wondering what was going through his mind having seen me in such a hysterical state.

“War is harsh,” As if reading my thoughts, his eyes twinkled with that familiar warm glint, “it affects everyone differently. You’ve seen things no woman your age should have, but you are a talented auror, Miss Song. However, I fear you won’t be amongst us for much longer if you continue abusing those.”

I felt shame crawl up my body as the professor’s eyes fell on the bottle, and I quickly hid it behind my back, “I’m sorry.”

I felt like a little child that was being scolded for doing something bad as I averted my gaze away from Professor Dumbledore’s, and sniffed as I noticed my heartbeat had finally returned to its natural rhythm.

“How are your parents doing, Miss Song?” Professor Dumbledore’s voice was soft, and I shrugged looking up at him.

“They are scared, as is everyone else.” I sighed, biting my lower lip, “I have moved them to the Wizarding World in hopes of keeping them safe, but nowhere is safe anymore, Professor.”

“It’s saddening, indeed.” The professor nodded, sharing my feelings of sadness that were slowly turning into despair, “But I think you did the right thing. The Wizarding World might not be the safest place at the moment, but it is a lot safer than the Muggle World.”

It was reassuring to hear the approval of my much wiser and smarter professor, and for a second, I believed that I had done something right for the first time in a long time. No matter how many dark wizards and witches I have captured, I never truly felt accomplished. It wasn’t enough, because I knew I could do better if sent on even more missions, and finally, the chance to fulfill my selfish desires while proving myself to be good and useful to my superiors, had come.

“Are you feeling any better now, Miss Song?” The professor’s eyebrows raised as I quickly hid the bottle back between my breasts and nodded, squaring my shoulders back. There it was, the condescending look of deep thought crossing the professor’s face as he looked towards the ground, humming lowly, “When it comes to the matters of the heart, it’s a slippery and unsure territory, Miss Song. You might think you are prepared to face whoever and take them out, but if you haven’t completely let go of them, your heart will outrule your conscious, your rationality. Even if you have long released the feelings you had once harbored for them, your more rational side might stop you, might hold you back from delivering the final blow.”

I felt tears trying to prick at my eyes as they snapped up, boring into Professor Dumbledore’s as he had a sad smile on his lips, “It’s difficult to forget your first love, Miss Song, no matter how deeply they have wronged you.”

The tremors in my hands haven’t disappeared and wouldn’t go away today, but they halted for a second as I gulped, throat feeling dry again, “He chose his path consciously, as I have chosen mine. Our beliefs have never truly aligned, it was just wishful thinking on my side, Professor. Love, an emotion I do not feel towards him anymore, isn’t stronger than my rational mind. If I would have allowed my heart to lead me throughout my life, I would be by his side now, wallowing in self-misery and pity for all the lives I allowed perish.”

“I have recognized your passion the moment you sat on the stool on the night of the sorting, Miss Song, you’ve known from the very first moment what you wanted and how to get it. I fear I haven’t met a Slytherin as determined and stubborn as yourself, Miss Song—”

“Not even Tom Riddle, sir?”

The professor’s expression suddenly became leveled, warm smile turning into a rather forced one, “I fear I cannot compare you to Tom Riddle, Miss Song.”

I hummed and smiled, memories of the younger boy bashing the professor for even the smallest inconvenience returning. I had never figured out where their distaste came for each other, but as it wasn’t my business, I never prodded more than necessary. I fixed my hair and made sure the little bottle couldn’t be seen as I glanced past the professor, feeling calm enough to join the aurors again, “We should head inside before they deem me unfit for this task, I would hate to miss out on this one, Professor.”

“They cannot afford to lose an auror like you.” Professor Dumbledore chuckled with a thoughtful look on his face as he led us towards the door, opening it for me like the true gentleman he was. I thanked him quietly as I stepped through the threshold, the lump back in my throat as the room went silent at once, everyone turning around to watch me and the professor as we descended the stairs. I went to sit at my initial spot, but Professor Dumbledore gently grabbed my elbow and veered me towards his seat, a witch making a place for me as she had an understanding look on her face.

“Is everything alright, Miss Song?” Theseus asked once the professor and I had taken our seats, the curious eyes of the other Aurors still watching me. I gulped and placed my hands on my knees, trying to hide the tremor behind the desk so that nobody would see it.

“Yes, Mr. Scamander, my apologies for storming out like that.” My voice was leveled as I forced my face to relax, and an easy smile appeared on my lips, “I felt a little ill this morning, I suppose it returned suddenly.”

“Right,” Theseus hummed, a smile matching mine on his lips, “that is reassuring to hear; however, I do wish for a quick recovery should it get worse.”

“Thank you.” I bowed my head as my hands fisted my dress, my heart rate picking up again as I felt the witch next to me gently rub my back. I wasn’t fond of being touched by strangers, but I didn’t have the willpower to ask her to stop. Finally, seemingly content with my half-assed lie, the attention wasn’t on me anymore as everyone went back to conversing with each other. Theseus cleared his throat and walked towards our table, Professor Dumbledore gathering the photographs as they were scattered around on the desk.

“While you were taking a breather, Miss Song, I have informed your colleagues that each one of them will be assigned a dark wizard to survey and consequently take down whenever the Office seems fitting.” I tried to gulp, my throat going dry once again. The witch was still rubbing my back and her touch had started burning my skin through my dress, making me fidget with my hands as I released the grip I had on my dress. I knew this was coming, but I didn’t feel ready. If I could’ve, I would’ve downed the whole bottle of pills, not minding if I would have been the one in need of a funeral.

“I see, Mr. Scamander, who had been assigned to me?” I felt the professor’s eyes take me in carefully as if I were a ticking time bomb, and the hand of the witch was finally away from my body, her sigh too loud as Professor Dumbledore cleared his throat.

“Records say you have been peers with Park Seonghwa at Hogwarts, yes?” I failed to inhale air as my lungs contracted, my worst nightmare lay right in front of my eyes and ears, “Professor Dumbledore, could you confirm this for me?”

“Yes, Mr. Scamander, Miss Song and Mr. Park had been my students barely four years ago.” My eyes burned as I blinked them fast, scared that tears would flood them as my hands shook more, itching to grab the bottle even if for little reassurance. The sedatives weren’t working as they should have, I shouldn’t be so wired up and nervous still. I figured I should buy something stronger; the muggles were more lenient when handing out sedatives than the wizards if you knew how to put on your best act.

“Indeed,” My voice was emotionless, and I knew my face was unreadable as Theseus’ eyes narrowed, “I know Park Seonghwa, but just merely. He was a great student I often had to compete with for the first place in our year.”

The longer Theseus’ eyes bore into mine, the more prominent the soft prodding in my forehead became. I knew what he was doing, way too familiar with the feeling of having my mind invaded. He was searching for memories of Seonghwa and me, of anything that could prove I wasn’t lying and that our roots didn’t grow deeper than a surface-level acquittance. It was laughable how easy it was to veer Theseus around my mind, to trick him into seeing only what I wanted him to see. He wasn’t a born Legilimens, I could feel he was less strong than the likes of Tom Riddle, who was a born natural in his talent, and so, I knew Theseus wouldn’t figure out that I—in fact—was a born Occlumens, the will of my mind stronger than his surface-level talent. I watched as a satisfied expression settled on his features upon viewing the images I allowed him to see, like the brief snappy exchanges between Seonghwa and me when we were in class, trying to show off to the professors, or the duels where we loved to flaunt our skills, or the brief acknowledgments in the hallway when we so happened to pass by each other.

“Very well, Miss Song,” Theseus muttered and then slammed a photograph down in front of me, a much younger Seonghwa smiling mockingly at me, “I trust you to do your best and bring him to his downfall. Mr. Park is an important asset to Grindelwald’s army; we need him gone.”

“He shall be gone, then.”

1943

            The classroom was full of vigor as everyone pilled inside, rather excited to see what Professor Merrythought had up her sleeve for us today. She had promised a dueling class sooner than later, and, as we happened to be ahead on our curriculum in DADA class, we got permission from Headmaster Dippet to go ahead and transform our usual classroom into a dueling ring. This year, the Slytherins shared most of their classes with the Ravenclaws, the DADA class being one of them. I let my eyes run over the crowd of the gathering 6th-year Ravenclaws on the other side of the classroom, pressed up against the wall much like myself and my housemates. Despite the majority of students being in their 6th year, Professor Merrythought found it essential that all students above the age of fourteen learn how to duel due to the imminent threat looming above our heads, both in the Wizarding and Muggle World. Therefore, it came as no surprise that younger students were ushered inside by Professor Merrythought, who had a grin on her face. Finding the person I had been looking for in the crowd, on the other side of the classroom, a tiny smile made it onto my lips as I found him already looking at me attentively. His dark hair, once again, fell wildly around his head in curls that looked natural, framing his boyish features as his round eyes sparkled with excitement. I chuckled and felt more elated knowing that Seonghwa was here, the chance of getting paired up with him was rather high as we were the top students of our year.

“Miss Song.” I flinched at the sudden intrusive voice in my head, always taken aback when I was addressed telepathically. I looked away from Seonghwa, eyes falling onto the boy—who despite being younger, was a lot taller than me—was now standing next to me with a stoic expression, ice-cold blue eyes boring into my darker ones. I chuckled and pressed a hand against my chest, always impressed by his skills despite his younger age.

“Mr. Riddle.” I greeted back with a grin, the small prodding at my forehead proof that our telepathic connection worked both ways. It was rare that Tom allowed me inside his mind, and even then, he knew how to guide me around his thoughts to show me only what he wanted me to see—a skill he learned from me, rather quickly. He had a natural talent for learning and achieving accomplishments that wizards and witches older than him struggled to garnish. He was an admirable student and a force to reckon with, I was never too eager when he challenged me to a friendly duel under the pretext of gaining experience by dueling a student who was as outstanding as himself—in reality, he only wished to show off and torment me in the confines of the Room of Requirements when the two of us would head over to study.

“Now, children,” Professor Merrythought clapped her hands together as she walked between the parting crowd of students, everyone watching her curiously, “as you may know, Headmaster Dippet had granted us another dueling session, and I am beyond excited to teach you new tricks that may as well save your lives in the future. The rules are the same as always, no serious spells aimed to harm, and no maiming, Madam Gorsemoor has far more important tasks than to heal some children who didn’t take the rules seriously, yes?”

Everyone muttered a ‘yes’ at once, and Professor Merrythought had a pleased grin on her lips as she pulled her wide shoulders back, her golden eyes surveying the crowd, probably counting how many of us were here. Usually, no more than twenty students were allowed inside the classroom as Professor Merrythought wished to watch and help everyone, not just those few she noticed lacking in their skill, “Can someone tell me what we’ve learned in our last class?”

Several hands shoot up high in the air, mine included, and I felt compelled to look over to the Ravenclaws, not surprised at all to see Seonghwa’s arm high up in the air, shoulders pulled back to make him look taller. I stifled a chuckle and faced the front of the classroom again, feeling Tom’s questioning gaze on the back of my head, but I paid him no mind.

“Mr. Lovegood, perhaps?” Professor Merrythought pointed at the platinum blonde-haired wizard from Ravenclaw, who stood on his tiptoes, about to bounce up and down to gain the professor’s attention.

“Diffindo!” He exclaimed, cheeks flushing instantly as the students from his house snickered, the Slytherins remaining uninterested, “I mean, Diffindo and Relashio.”

“Very well, Mr. Lovegood, thank you.” Professor Merrythought hummed, eyes narrowing as she looked over the crowd once again, her eyes stopping on me as I offered her a small smile.

“I must remind you that Diffindo is a spell that brings great harm if not death to your opponent, and inside this classroom, we shall not use it against each other. And even outside of it, I advise you use it wisely and level-headed only if the occurrence calls for it—”

“Like—if it were for Grindelwald to attack us?!” A younger boy—from Ravenclaw—asked, heads turning in his direction as he yet had to grow a few inches.

“Yes, that’s the likely scenario I had in mind.” Professor Merrythought muttered pleased, nodding at the curious boy with big round eyes. He reminded me of Seonghwa when we had just started our journey at Hogwarts, always eager to learn more and curious about how everything around him worked. Since then, his nature remained but he learned how to control it, how to make it less obvious how big of a nerd he actually was. Some would say he tries to impersonate the ‘cool guy’ archetype, but I know him too well to believe those silly ‘rumors’, “Well, before we learn something new, I’d like to see a duel from our best duellists.”

I gulped, feeling eyes bore into the side of my head as I looked over to Seonghwa again, finding his eyes on me already once again. He was smirking, round eyes fierce as we both knew who Professor Merrythought would call to the front for a demonstration, “Miss Song, Mr. Park, would you grace us with your presence?”

I heard Tom chuckle behind me, unamused, no doubt having known we’d be the chosen ones for this task. It was rarely not us, even Seonghwa and I knew it. I patted down the front of my robe, dusting it off, then squared my shoulders as I made my way through the crowd, getting a few pats on the back from people who I was familiar with. I had grabbed my wand out of my pocket, and Seonghwa and I made it to the front of the class at the same time. His smirk had turned cheeky as he held his wand in his hands elegantly, twirling it playfully as I took a few steps backward and then adjusted my stance.

“Miss Song.” Seonghwa’s voice was deep, tone almost seductive, and I couldn’t help but grin and narrow my eyes at him.

“Mr. Park.” My tone was confident and full of assurance because I knew I would win this duel. I usually did. Seonghwa was very good at dueling, but I was better since I was faster and more agile. I was also a little more talented at wandless magic than he was, I found it amusing whenever he’d exercise next to me, growing frustrated with himself way too quickly. Professor Merrythought clapped her hands and stepped back as Seonghwa and I bowed to each other, wands gripped firmly in our hands as we took our stance for the duel. I zeroed in on Seonghwa only, focusing on the movements of his body, eyes boring into his as if I would read his mind—I could, but I knew he hated it, and what I hated more was when I made him hurt. Seonghwa stood alert, his dark eyes boring into mine, a curious glint in them, laced with mischief and anticipation as he was patiently waiting for me to make my first move. He usually wasn’t the one to attack first, and we both knew that. We’ve dueled each other many times already, we knew each other’s tricks and weakest points.

“Stupefy!” I exclaimed, throwing my hand out, my wand pulsing with power as a light blue zap quickly shot towards Seonghwa, who expertly threw up his defense wall, nulling my attack with a pleased expression. I chuckled under my breath and raised an eyebrow as I threw my next attack at him, “Flipendo!”

Seonghwa huffed as another jinx was thrown his way, raising his arm high as he cast another shield in front of his body, eyes narrowing as he realized I was trying to get him to fly to the other side of the classroom. I knew he was wary of injuring himself, and unless I teased him a little bit at the beginning of our duel, I knew he would try to go easy on me. But I didn’t want easy and friendly, I wanted him to have no mercy and fight as if we were in a real fight, against each other, with only one winner standing tall in the end.

“Stupefy!” Seonghwa exclaimed, the same light blue zap flying towards me, making me easily block his attack as I threw my arms up, casting an invisible shield. Unlike Seonghwa’s, mine remained blue and violet ripples the tell-tale sign that there was something in front of me. Seonghwa narrowed his eyes, calculating his next move as I sent a hot air charm his way, which he dodged skilfully, his black hair falling into his eyes. Seonghwa chuckled and twirled the strands behind his ear, graciously raising his hand, not even looking my way as suddenly electric blue flames came barrelling towards my shield, making the students in the classroom gasp in surprise, but also fear. Someone had started clapping hard, and I knew it was Professor Merrythought as she enjoyed the show the most out of everyone.

Seonghwa was smart, and so, he knew the blue flames would demolish my shield without hurting me, and I could hear Professor Merrythought explain just this to the students who watched us with even more excitement in their eyes. Deciding to not verbalize my next spell, I winked at Seonghwa as I made the hand movement that was required for the Waddiwasi spell, Seonghwa realized a moment too late as, suddenly, crumbled up parchments floated around me for a second, before propelling towards Seonghwa with force and speed that left him defenseless. Seonghwa gasped as he turned sideways, the little balls of parchment crashing against the side of his body without causing any damage—physical because his ego was probably bruised—and the students started laughing as Seonghwa hissed, facing me once again with piercing eyes. I grinned and curtsied teasingly, enjoying the way his cheeks had flushed from embarrassment, his grip tightening around his black wand. His lips didn’t move, but his hand did, and I narrowed my eyes as for a second nothing happened, and then I felt invisible ropes binding around my body, trying to immobilize me as my eyes widened in surprise.

“Emancipare!” I yelped the counterattack of Brachiabindo, the defensive spell Seonghwa had used, and felt the ropes instantly disappear from my body. Seonghwa huffed, running his fingers through his rich curls, looking frustrated as he walked a few steps closer. It wasn’t like him to lose his wits when we were dueling, and so, this was the first sign that told me something was bothering him as he couldn’t completely focus on the task at hand. But this was an exercise, a duel in which we had to demonstrate to the other students, so I pushed my worries aside and cast my next spell, “Fulgari!”

Much like Seonghwa’s spell, it was another one that bid your arms together, however, the ropes weren’t invisible anymore but red and thick, painful, as the charm tied your wrists together tightly. But Seonghwa knew how to counterattack it, and the ropes dropped midair as a white light was cast from his wand. Knowing that we didn’t have much time anymore and that Professor Merrythought was waiting for one of us to disarm the other, I acted quickly, “Expelliarmus!”

However, Seonghwa’s simultaneous attack was silent as it shot from his wand, and our spells clashed in the middle, exploding with a loud boom after they’d tangled up for a few seconds. I gasped as the force pushed me backward, almost making me stumble to the floor. The hem of my robe had caught in the heel of my boots, and as I tried to manage the issue, I felt my mind being prodded at. Not even having to concentrate on the action, my mind instantly blocked the intruder out, my mind’s barriers strong and stubborn, no matter how insistent the intruder became. I knew who it was, in this classroom only Tom Riddle was so talented enough to use Legilimens wandless and non-verbally, but he was least of my worries as Seonghwa’s glare was deep, mouth moving before I could register his words, “Relashio!”

I gasped as my wand was snapped out of my hand, clattering to the floor, making the students roar with claps and cheers, Professor Merrythought not even trying to calm them down as she walked towards Seonghwa and me. I gulped, feeling my cheeks tinge pink at the amateur mistake I had made, the fact even more embarrassing as I was disarmed by such a pathetic spell. But this is what a duel encompassed, and I took a deep breath and released it slowly as I felt Professor Merrythought’s hand on my shoulder, pulling me next to her as she had grabbed onto Seonghwa as well.

“Brilliant!” She exclaimed lips pulled into a huge grin, “Simply brilliant, my students! You will make such fine Aurors, the department will be blessed upon your arrival!”

I muttered a quiet thank you and bowed my head abashed, missing the cold look that crossed Seonghwa’s face upon hearing our professor’s words. Then, when the class had finally settled down, Seonghwa and I were ushered back to our previous spots, Professor Merrythought taking the lead as she started explaining the new spell we’d be learning today. I felt the uncomfortable prodding once again, and a little frustrated, I turned around and snapped at Tom without considering my actions first, “Stop it, Riddle!”

My exclamation thankfully wasn’t too loud, but it made a few heads turn our way. I gulped and averted my eyes flustered as Tom grinned, crossing his arms in front of his chest, “My apologies, but I failed to gain your attention any other way.”

“I am trying to pay attention to the new spell, Riddle,” I muttered as I faced the front of the classroom again, feeling the younger boy step closer as he loomed over my shoulders.

“But you already know it,” He muttered, voice devoid of any emotion and I just sighed, nodding and confirming his claim, “Well, then, let me offer you some friendly advice.”

“The Tom Riddle offering me some friendly advice?” I teased, looking over my shoulder with a chuckle, “So you finally admit that we’re friends?”

“Well,” Tom cleared his throat, looking uncomfortable, “if you think of us as friends, we shall be that, Y/N.”

Tom hadn’t been keen on addressing each other casually in public, but he’s been calling me by my name rather often lately, “And your advice is?”

“Ah, yes,” He cleared his throat again, leaning just a little bit closer to whisper in my ear, “use more non-verbal spells next time and maybe even wandless magic too, Park seems to struggle to defend those. And, try not to lose focus so easily, getting disarmed by Relashio out of all spells is rather embarrassing, Miss Song.”

I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms in front of my chest, watching Professor Merrythought’s wand as she drew the movement of the spell slowly for us to see, “Thank you for pointing out that Relashio isn’t even a disarming spell.”

It was rare to see any sort of positive reaction from Tom, but he snickered as I felt him take a step back to offer me more space as he was done with the conversation, “Meet me later in the Room of Requirements?”

But apparently, he wasn’t done with the telepathic conversation, “Yes, at the agreed-upon time, I won’t be late this time.”

“You better not be.” Tom’s voice sounded unimpressed in my mind and I rolled my eyes, hoping nobody saw it, “And tell your boyfriend to stop staring daggers at my head, I could disarm and harm him in just a few seconds—”

“Thank you, Tom, that’s enough.” I snapped, never too keen when he tried to bash Seonghwa and his skills—or lack of them as Tom had so often remarked, “And get out of my head, now.”

His chuckle was cut short as I raised the barrier once again, forcing Tom out of my mind. I knew it would be painful to him and I didn’t mind as lately he’s been trying to prod at my mind way too often. But being a born Occlumens came with its perks, no matter how much Tom tried to peek inside my head, he’d only be allowed inside as long as I let him. Having realized that he had some control issues, I didn’t let him know about that little piece of information, for my own peace of mind, really. Feeling like somebody was drilling holes into the side of my head, I looked over to the Ravenclaws, a little taken aback by the dark look in Seonghwa’s eyes and the sneer on his lips. He looked irritated, and as we made eye contact his expression hardened for a second before he looked away, ignoring me for the rest of the class. I had only sighed, paying attention to Professor Merrythought for the rest of the class.

            Once class was over everyone pilled outside quickly, eager for the short break before our next class would start. Wanting to speak to Seonghwa in private, I stayed back with the hopes that he’d do the same, but when Professor Merrythought noticed me and asked if I had wanted to speak to her, I realized it was just her, myself, and Lovegood in the classroom. I bid her farewell and then scurried outside, sighing long as I felt disappointed that Seonghwa had left without me even noticing it. He was mad at me, that was now certain, and we wouldn’t have the possibility to meet until dinner or our Prefect duties as this was the last class we shared today. I held the strap of my satchel bag tightly as I gnawed on my bottom lip, wondering whether I could use an excuse and search for him between my classes, when suddenly a classroom door was thrown open and I was harshly yanked to the left by my arm. I gasped as I stumbled, failing to keep up with the aggressive tugging, my back hitting a wall rather painfully as my heart had started racing, eyes widening as I felt warm lips pressing against mine. It took me a second to register what was happening.

I was face to face with Seonghwa, who had me pinned between himself and the wall, holding the side of my neck firmly with his right hand as his left one gripped my hip, fingers digging into the fabric of my uniform. His eyes were open and glaring at me despite his heated kiss, and it only made me flush more as I felt his tongue force itself between my lips while his fingers sneaked up towards my jaw, tilting my head up as he had to lean down, just slightly, due to our height difference. My heart hammered against my ribcage as the satchel bag fell from my shoulder, landing with a loud thud as I gripped his robe’s collar, the fabric a lot softer than mine. Seonghwa’s tongue lapped at mine fiercely, stealing my breath away as I felt his hand slip from my hip, trace the inside of my thigh as it slowly slipped underneath my knee-length skirt. I gasped and gently pushed him back, breathing hard as his right hand held my nape, fingernails pressing into my frail skin, “Seonghwa—”

“Did you have fun flirting with Riddle right in front of me?” His tone was harsh, voice raspier than usual, and I gulped, his hand slipping higher up underneath my skirt.

“Seonghwa, I wasn’t flirting with him.” My voice trembled as he leaned closer again, lips tracing the skin of my neck, feather-like, making goosebumps erupt all over my skin. My hands released the collar of his robe as they slipped higher up, circling his neck as my fingers got tangled in the wavy strands of his hair, “I’ve told you so many times that I’m not interested in him—”

“Well, you certainly don’t act like it.” I gasped as his sharp teeth sunk into the skin of my neck, making my stomach coil as his other hand stopped at my groin, caressing my flesh through my stockings, “I’m sick of seeing him prance around you like a lost puppy, my love.”

“He’s just a boy.” My eyebrows furrowed as Seonghwa’s head snapped up, a sneer on his face.

“Just a boy?” He scoffed and leaned incredibly close, lips brushing against mine as he spoke, “He’s barely one year younger than us, Y/N.”

Sighing loudly, I pressed a chaste kiss against his lips, seeing his eyes shake for a second, his anger dissipating slightly, “Yet I only see the little boy I guided to the Slytherin common room in his first year in him, my love, he’s nothing but like a brother to me.”

“He has no boundaries.” Seonghwa huffed, jaw clenching and unclenching as I kissed his cheek, right side and then left side, then pulled him slightly lower to kiss his forehead too. Seonghwa’s grip visibly softened, his finger rubbing circles into my hipbone under my skirt.

“I know how to put him in his place if he ever goes too far, which he has never done before.” I muttered reassuringly as I ran my fingers through his hair gently, knowing that he loved the ministration, “Abraxas is touchier than Tom will ever be, yet you make no scene when he’s with me.”

Seonghwa scoffed, gripping my chin as he tilted my head up again, “Because it’s clear he’s not interested in courting you, he’s touchy with everyone.”

I chuckled as I coaxed his lips towards mine, my eyes fluttering closed as Seonghwa’s lips gently, but firmly, pressed against mine, our lips playing a gentle dance as they moved at a calmer pace, following the other’s rhythm as I let Seonghwa take the lead, our lips slotting perfectly against each other. His breath hit my face as he nipped at my bottom lip, enjoying the way my lips chased after his again, capturing his bottom lip between mine as I felt his hand very slowly slip towards my crotch. I keened, pushing him back by the shoulders when he had started rubbing circles against my clothed core, “I need to get to the greenhouse, Hwa, we can’t do this now.”

“You can skip Herbology,” Seonghwa whispered as his lips brushed against my ear, I bit my bottom lip, eyes fluttering closed, “it’s not that important.”

Before I could succumb to the feeling of Seonghwa’s fingers teasing me, I gripped his wrist and pushed his hand away, blinking my eyes open, “I’m not going to skip classes because you want to have sex, Seonghwa. You can wait until tonight.”

“Yeah?” He grinned, round eyes glinting dangerously, “I can?”

“Unless you want to throw another jealous fit over the fact that I’ll be studying with Tom later on.” I mused and pursed my lips as Seonghwa’s expression hardened again. He was so easy to irk, his face hid nothing as I cocked an eyebrow in challenge at him.

“Right,” He muttered, clearing his throat, “You’ll be busy with Riddle this afternoon—”

“I’ll be busy perfecting my Legilimency, yes.” I raised my eyebrows at Seonghwa as he hummed and stepped back, detaching himself fully from me. I licked at my lips and ran my hands through my hair, trying to get rid of any knots that may have formed.

“Find me after you’re done patrolling, then,” Seonghwa adjusted his tie and then patted down his robe, “I won’t be coming to dinner tonight.”

“Something wrong?” I asked with furrowing eyebrows as I leaned down to pick up my satchel bag.

“No, I just need to catch up on some assignments, is all.” He smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. I didn’t say anything as he caressed my cheek with his warm hand, “I love you.”

I smiled widely, turning my head lightly to press a kiss against his wrist, “I love you too, Hwa.”

            Despite the sun trying to shine some light on the dire streets of London, the ever-grey clouds were everlasting, casting a gloomy shadow over the streets and the people that ventured outside. Lately, it seemed to be safer to go out and enjoy the much-needed social interactions, but people were still wary of the imminent threat posing over their heads. You just never knew when the enemy would strike, making you look over your shoulder at any given moment. London wasn’t anymore what it used to be, but reconstructions have started and there seemed to be light at the end of the permeating dark tunnel.

My coffee’s steam reached my nose as I forgot of its existence, my eyes having fallen on two children who had their palms out and were timidly asking for money from the passerby people. My heart broke at the sight of such innocent lives having to suffer so much, unwanted scenarios clouding my mind. They could’ve lost their parents, or maybe they still had them, but the war made them homeless and this is was the best they could do. I hated how most people didn’t even cast a glance at the obviously suffering children, their clothes strewn in places, cheeks dirty with dust. They clung to each other, the boy taller by a head as he clutched the younger girl to his side, pulling her back when a postman paid them no mind as he barrelled down with his bicycle on the pavement. But before my anger could get the best of me, the bell to the small coffee shop chimed, and I looked over, heart settling at the familiarity of the man that was approaching my table. He wasn’t a coffee lover, not when we were mere teenagers, so I had ordered tea instead for him.

“Mr. Kim.” I smiled as I abandoned my cup and pushed my chair back, fighting the wide smile that tried to make it onto my lips. Kim Hongjoong and I haven’t been close during our days at Hogwarts, but due to a person that was present in both of our lives, we had the chance to share some fond memories. Hongjoong had always been a free spirit, unafraid to break rules here and there, trying to break free of the chains society placed on all of us. Even now, his hair was brushed back in an uncharacteristic way, the black ends tinged almost blonde. His clothes didn’t match in colour, his pants burgundy and his shirt a rather atrocious colour of yellow, the grey sweater thrown over it saving the outfit somewhat. His green coat was dark, and due to the colour of his pants, it made him look like a Christmas tree.

“Dear,” Hongjoong chuckled, his hug warm and comforting, arms circling my middle tightly, “are we back to being formal with each other now? Has it been that long since we left Hogwarts?”

I chuckled, arms tightening around him subconsciously as my chin pressed against his shoulder, eyes glazing over with sudden tears that took me off guard. I have missed the faces I have become familiar with at Hogwarts, the place where I was still innocent and in love with life, with the prospect of a bright future. A future that was now my present, neither bright nor innocent. I have never had many friends, keen on keeping to myself, and the life of an Auror made it hard to keep up with others. It was better for them; my field of work had no guarantee of me returning alive. And knowing that two of the people I considered my family, Mingi and Yunho, were first in line in harm’s way, made me prolong my hug with Hongjoong. It felt nice to be in a warm embrace for once.

“Four years and three months, more specifically.” I whispered as I reluctantly let go of Hongjoong, who gripped my bicep and gave it a reassuring squeeze before we both claimed our seats at the small round table.

“So, you’ve been counting,” Hongjoong muttered, looking down at his steaming hot tea, “as have I.”

I hummed, feeling a certain sad aura around Hongjoong as he carefully cradled the teacup in his hands, humming to himself as my eyes bore into the side of his head. I was curious of what was running through his mind, but entering it without his consent was a breech of privacy and the break of trust between the two of us. Picking his fragile mind apart would’ve been very easy. Finding what I was looking for would’ve taken only a few seconds and I could be on my merry way in no time, hunting down the man I was tasked to take out, but I was yearning for just a second of normalcy, for a second that could take me back to the past where I was happy, unafraid, in love.

“How is the Auror life, dear?” I smiled at the nickname, Hongjoong being the only person who’s ever addressed me so affectionately—besides my former lover, Seonghwa.

“Dangerous,” I sighed, raising my cup of coffee to take a small sip, “exhausting, and time consuming.”

“I’ve had to treat many Aurors since I’ve started working at St. Mungo’s, and each time I pray I do not come across you, dear.” Hongjoong’s expression was solemn, as if he was trying to repress memories that weren’t kind nor pleasant, “But you seem to be in great health, so I shall not worry so much anymore.”

I chuckled and placed the cup down, fingertips tracing the porcelain in order to keep my hands busy with something, “I’m rather agile, one of the best they have. But sometimes even I worry for my own safety, thank you for thinking of me so often, Hongjoongie.”

He smiled, reaching out to grab my wrist, “Sometimes I feel bad for the way things have ended between us—between the three of us, I mean.”

I gulped, the topic of Seonghwa inevitable anymore. But still, I tried to stall it for a little bit longer, trying to enjoy Hongjoong’s company for a little bit more before the real reason I was here would ruin our nostalgic reunion.

“Don’t fret on the past, Hongjoong, what’s lost is lost.” I gripped his hand with my right one, patting it gently, “How are the other nurses treating you at St. Mungo’s? I’ve heard there’s not many wizards working there.”

“The witches seem to love me,” Hongjoong chuckled, suddenly his cheeks red, “they praise me a lot and always fight on who gets to work with me. I’m treated nicely and they’ve accepted me rather quickly despite being a wizard.”

I gulped, knowing the tumultuous history of the Kim family, “And your parents?”

Hongjoong froze, eyebrows furrowing as he averted his eyes, “My mother is speaking to me again. My father…we know how he feels about me.”

“You’ve always done just fine without them,” I encouraged him, watching curiously as he grabbed my hand and flipped my palm upside down, “and if you need a friendly advice or just an evening spent drinking wine and reminiscing, you know were to find me, Hongjoongie.”

He chuckled, forefinger gingerly tracing the inside of my palm, making me shiver. It’s been long since someone had treated me so tenderly, ever since Yunho and Mingi have been sent onto their mission actually, “Have you cut yourself here?”

“Yes.” I answered surprised, “How did you know?”

“The skin is rougher here,” Hongjoong pressed his finger a little harder against where the cut was healed up, not even a trace of a scar, “Stop by St. Mungo’s when you have a little free time, I have the perfect potion to fix your skin. I’ve got quite the tricks up my sleeve now.”

As our eyes met, a beat of silence passed, then we both burst out in quiet giggles, pressing our hands against our mouths. Memories of all the failed potions made by Hongjoong resurfaced, most of those times Seonghwa or me being his test subjects. There were too few fingers on my hands to count the number of times Seonghwa, Hongjoong, and I had ended up in the Infirmary, on the brink of dying from dangerous toxins found in Hongjoong’s brews. And yet, we continued indulging in his shenanigans as he was too endearing to say ‘no’ to.

“I suppose you’ve stopped poisoning people now, right?” I raised an eyebrow, tone joking as Hongjoong bit his lower lip, cheeks flushing once again.

“No more failed experiments or potions that would send Slughorn up the wall if he were to know about them.” And once again, we started giggling behind our palms as Hongjoong seemed to finally loosen up, making me feel bad that I would soon deter the conversation to a delicate topic. But I didn’t have much time, I had to move fast if I wanted to catch Seonghwa when he least expected it.

“I suppose you meet all sorts of people at the hospital…” I trailed off as I grabbed my cup of coffee yet again and took a long sip, Hongjoong’s lips pursing as he traced the wooden design of the table.

“Yes, quite the personalities.” He mused, eyebrows raised slightly in question as I swallowed the coffee, biting my lower lip in hesitance.

“As a nurse your allegiances do not matter, you must save everyone—”

“That is correct.” Hongjoong’s tone had turned colder, his face losing its warm glow, a mask of indifference now replacing it. I sighed knowing that Hongjoong had probably caught on to where our conversation was headed now.

“I know you still keep in touch with Park Seonghwa.” I lowered my voice so nobody would hear us. Everyone knew who Grindelwald’s men were, I didn’t want to risk the chance of anyone overhearing our conversation, even if the coffee shop was only frequented by muggles. I chose this place for this specific reason, few wizards and witches ventured out into the heart of London, not keen of the life muggles lived here.

Hongjoong had frozen, jaw clenching as his cat-like eyes narrowed at me, “What does that have to do with me being a nurse at St. Mungo’s? Are you accusing me of something, Miss Song?”

I sighed, but I knew the jabbing was inevitable. Hongjoong had been very protective of Seonghwa even before our years at Hogwarts, “I am not accusing you of anything, I was just merely curious on who’s side you stand—”

“I stand on nobody’s side.” Hongjoong snapped, pushing his teacup far away from himself, glaring at it suspiciously. He must be wondering whether I had slipped Veritaserum in it, but I would never do that to him, “I stand on the side of the victims I must save, on the side of justice, and on the side that doesn’t harm but protects instead. Do you fathom there’s a side like that? One that does not harm, but only protects?”

“No.” I whispered, averting my eyes from Hongjoong’s intense gaze, visibly irritated, “We’re trying to do our best, I promise, but I cannot guarantee that innocent folk won’t be harmed in the process of stopping Grindelwald.”

“You’re just doing your job,” Hongjoong’s tone softened, “and so am I, and so is Seonghwa—”

“Seonghwa is killing innocent wizards and witches for a cause that is irrational, for a cause that aims to harm muggles that aren’t at fault for being the way that they are. This isn’t a job!” Hongjoong’s eyes widened as my voice gradually raised, never the type to lose my cool. My heart had started racing and I felt anxiety creeping up my chest, through my throat, making me chew on the inside of my cheeks. I scrapped at my hand, averting my eyes as Hongjoong’s stare became too much, making me feel like he was judging me. Maybe I have misjudged his character, maybe he is on Seonghwa’s side, after all.

“Y/N,” But his voice was soft and I felt his hand grip mine, gently stopping me from scratching my skin until it was raw and red, “I know how hard it was when you found out about Seonghwa’s ambitions and beliefs, and I know you still feel guilty and think you played a part in him becoming like this. But as someone who’s known him since he was a little boy, Seonghwa’s always dreamed of doing big things, of changing our world into the better. You couldn’t have stopped him even if you had known of his plans since early on—”

“Then help me.” I felt choked up as I looked at Hongjoong swiftly, eyes shaking as I gripped his hand. His eyebrows were furrowed and he gulped as my eyes glossed over, his words ringing through my ears. He was right, I have always felt guilty for not noticing the blatant signs of Seonghwa’s true beliefs. He’s never been kind to muggles at Hogwarts, he’s always made snide remarks about them, and he’s mentioned joining a cause one day that purified our Wizarding World. I thought he was simply aspiring to join the Ministry, like many others wanted. Instead, he decided to join the cause of a man who thought wizards were superior to muggles and wished to subdue them, and force them to live in fear for the rest of their lives, “I need to talk to Seonghwa, please tell me where he is. Hongjoongie, you’ll be helping a greater cause than yourself and even myself. I must find him and—”

“You’re an Auror, Y/N.” He cut me off sharply, yanking his hand out of my grip as he shook his head feverishly, “If you find him, then what? Will you interrogate him and lock him up in Azkaban for a few months until he gives in and admits to his mistakes? We both know that’s the last thing Seonghwa will do if he’s ever captured. You’ll kill him—”

“I won’t—”

“You’ll kill him, and I cannot set up my best friend for his death.” He snapped angrily, cheeks red as his eyes were tear-filled, “I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that you sought me out for such a feat. You should be ashamed of yourself, Miss Song, for even thinking that I would help you out with such an atrocious thing. I love Seonghwa more than anyone, you have deeply wounded me, Miss Song, I have expected more of you.”

“Hongjoong—” Heart breaking as he swiftly stood and left with a last piercing look, I slumped back in my chair and tried not to let the sob break through my lips, cheeks damp from the tears that fell down them. Yes, I have been a fool for seeking out Hongjoong, I knew he’d never give away Seonghwa’s location, but he was my first and last option in trying to find Seonghwa in a way that I could negotiate with him, try to deter him from his cause, save him from a harsh sentence. And I have failed, and now I’ll have to kill the man that I have never stopped loving.

Having lost my appetite for anything, I stood hastily and wore my dark coat, pulling on my gloves to protect my hands from the freezing air. I gathered my purse and clutched it tightly in my hands, storming out of the coffee shop as I felt around for my bonnet inside the purse. The heart of the city was buzzing with people as the hour was nearing noon, the loudness of it all irritating my ears as I tried to walk between the people to the closest Portkey leading to the Wizarding World. But just as I was about to cross the road, I felt a hesitant tug on my coat. Alarmed and ready to defend myself, I whirled around and searched for whoever had touched me, only to find the siblings looking up at me with pleading eyes. Tapping the tears off my cheeks quickly, I opened my purse and crouched down as I fetched the pastries I have bought earlier for breakfast.

“Have this,” I handed them to the little girl, who had a runny nose and whispered a ‘thank you’. I pushed around in search for the little muggle money I still had, and once I found it, I gave it to the boy who looked beyond grateful and even bowed his head in gratitude. Feeling helpless that I couldn’t do more for them, I grabbed the bonnet that I knew I wouldn’t wear again, and placed it onto the little girl’s head. It was big and it fell in her eyes, but she grinned as her brother tried to adjust it for her, making my heart swell, “Take care of each other.”

The two nodded with eyes glistening, and I gulped down the lump that’s formed in my throat and stood tall once again, hurrying away before I felt the overbearing need to break down in the middle of a muggle filled street. I would finish this mission even if I lost my life in the process of it, it didn’t matter, it didn’t matter because innocent children and innocent common folk were the one suffering the consequences of these tyrants that ruled over our worlds.

20th of December, 1943

             Slughorn’s Christmas parties were catalogued somewhat legendary and, thus, have always been talked about in the hallways of Hogwarts. Those who were invited mentioned it in excited exclamations and those who weren’t in whispers with envious tones. I had been part of the lucky few who got invited, being part of Slughorn’s Slug Club for a good two years now, and I couldn’t have been happier. These parties were perfect for mingling with socialites and people of importance in the Ministry and other fields that piqued your interest. I had been lucky enough to meet a few well-known Aurors tonight, but my utmost luck struck when, despite his drunken state, Professor Slughorn pulled me aside to introduce me Theseus Scamander, the Head of the Auror Office. The professor had rambled on about my abilities and how talented and knowledgeable I was in the Dark Arts, painting me as a very talented duellist to Mr. Scamander. He had been eager to listen to his former professor, giving me knowing glances and a dashing smile. I couldn’t help but blush a little, the Fire Whiskey I had—secretly—drunk with Abraxas getting the best of me. Unable to hide his amused smile anymore, Theseus had excused us with the pretext that we’d head over to the delicious candy bar and serve ourselves with chocolate frogs, to which our professor couldn’t object as, he, himself loved it.

“He’s quite the talker, isn’t he?” Theseus laughed as he gently guided me through the crowd of students and outsiders, his hand holding my gloved elbow. My dress was modest, adorning the emerald green of my house that I wore proudly. The neckline was a sweetheart design, sleeveless, and the upper part of the dress was moulded tightly against my body, a silvery fabric creating the illusion of a belt around my waist. From the waist, it flowed down to my ankles in a simple A-line, highlighting my long legs. I had a thin, sheer, shawl around my shoulders—but I have abandoned that at the dinner table as it had started annoying me—and instead wore my silvery satin gloves that reached just above my elbows.

“He certainly let’s go of himself when alcohol is involved.” I said quietly, earning a chuckle from Theseus as we reached the candy bar. It was hard to choose just one delicacy as the table was littered with at least fifteen types of desserts, and I watched as Theseus grabbed a plate rather eagerly.

“I couldn’t wait for the annual Christmas party back when I was a student here,” Theseus said as he started placing different delicacies on his plate, “the dessert was the best part of the night—apart from the Fire Whiskey.”

He glanced at me briefly and winked cheekily, making me chuckle as I averted my eyes with a shy blush on my cheeks. He chose a rose shaped tart that was filled with marzipan, and it reminded me of Seonghwa as it was his favourite dessert. Wondering where he was—since he had disappeared around half an hour ago—I searched the crowd while Theseus was busy filling his plate.

“Is it you who wants to be an Auror, or are your professors pushing you towards this job?” Theseus’ question earned my attention as I looked back at him, unsuccessful in my mission of finding Seonghwa.

“It is me.” I answered with a smile, fiddling with my fingers nervously, “I hate injustice, and I hate seeing our world get torn apart as Grindelwald is trying to ruin us. I want to help in stopping him, I want to be a figure that others can entrust their lives to. I want to protect the innocent, and I am not scared to sacrifice myself for others. And when he’ll finally be stopped, I will continue dedicating my life to help the right cause.”

Theseus hummed, his eyes softening as they quickly took in my form, a pleased look crossing his features, “You sound quite determined, and you look tough too. I have spoken to Professor Merrythought about any student she deemed fit for the role of an Auror, and I am positive she talked about you for almost an hour, Miss Song.”

I gulped, feeling warmth spread through my chest in happiness that I had been praised so extensively by my professor to a very important and prominent person in the Ministry, “I’ve still got two years until I graduate, but I hope to join you as soon as possible.”

“I cannot wait for that day to come, Miss Song.” Theseus grinned, grabbing the rose dessert, “I can already tell you’ll be great; you sort of remind me of myself, actually.”

“I do?” I asked with a surprised tone, feeling my smile get even bigger.

“Indeed.” Theseus hummed and then took a bite of the rose as I tried to contain my glee, my mouth hurting from smiling so widely. Suddenly, there was a presence next to me, and I felt a hand gently grip my shoulder, the hold familiar but rather cold. I turned my head and was met with Tom’s piercing-blue cold eyes looking down at me impassively.

“Mr. Scamander.” He greeted the Auror with a tight smile on his lips.

“Mr. Riddle.” Theseus was in the middle of chewing his dessert, but he quickly forced it down his throat and shook Tom’s hand.

“Do you mind if I steal Miss Song for a dance?” Tom’s voice was suddenly light, dripping with sweetness as his face morphed into a warm smile, “Have I interrupted an important conversation?”

“I have said what I wanted to Miss Song, if she wishes so, you can steal her for a dance.” Theseus winked, our gazes meeting as suddenly his thoughts flooded my mind. For a powerful Auror like him, it took me off guard to find his mind so defenceless. Perhaps he didn’t see a reason to guard his thoughts in the confines of Hogwarts, and before I could correct him that there was nothing between Tom and myself—as Theseus’ thoughts claimed—I was already whirled around and guided towards the crowded dance floor. The orchestra played a nice tune, slow but not to the point all you could do was step left and right. Tom placed his hand on the middle of my back as he held my hand in his other one, a respectable distance between our bodies as he started leading.

“Any reason you wanted to dance with me?” I asked with narrowed eyes, knowing for a fact that Tom never danced. He hated dancing or standing as close to somebody as we were stood right now.

“Hmm,” He hummed, his tone low and his voice pleasant to the ears as he spoke up again, “you looked like you needed a little saving.”

“Speaking to Mr. Scamander was pleasant,” I shrugged, holding onto Tom’s shoulder tighter as we narrowly avoided a drunken couple, “You could’ve tried to save me when I was talking to Professor Slughorn and the spouses that work at St. Mungo’s, instead. They are weird.”

“They are peculiar people, indeed.” Tom muttered, eyes falling on my face, “But they are incredibly smart and good assets to a team.”

“What team?” I asked confused, eyebrows furrowing. Tom was leading us out of the crowded dance floor, thankfully, more towards the side where we’d have more space and wouldn’t have to avoid every second drunken couple. A platinum blonde hair popped up in the crowd not far from us, and I stifled a laugh as Abraxas tried not to topple over as he was led towards the exit by his date.

“Well,” Tom started, eyebrows lightly furrowing as he mused over his words, like he didn’t know how to formulate his next words. That was unexpected from Tom as he was a good speaker, and an intelligent person, “let’s put it this way. You build an army of people that are magically gifted, but smart too, and you lead them to victory.”

“Why would you need this army?” I asked as I grew even more confused, “Are you talking about Grindelwald?”

“We can take him as an example, yes.” Tom chuckled, a smirk pulling at his lips as our eyes bore into each other’s, making me wonder for a split second if he was hiding something from me, “The people he has on his side aren’t just strong and powerful wizards and witches who excel at magic, they are also intelligent and strategize with him, leading him towards victory—”

“You think Grindelwald will prosper in this war?” I asked, feeling myself irked at such vile thoughts. Grindelwald wouldn’t win, I would become an Auror just to make sure of it.

“No, of course not.” Tom whispered, an easy smile adorning his lips and I felt his fingers gently rub against my knuckles. I sighed and looked away, surveying the crowd in hopes that I would finally find my lover. I missed him, I wanted to be by his side and dance with him, “Are you enjoying yourself?”

“Of course.” I chuckled, but my eyes were still searching the crowd as Tom cleared his throat, turning us around so that I was facing the exit now. My eyes stopped on the familiar form of my lover, and my eyebrows furrowed in wonder as I realized Seonghwa was speaking to Rabastan Lestrange and his parents, “Are you?”

“I hate these events, actually, even the Slug Club, but if I wish to remain in the graces of our daft professor, I must—”

“I am really sorry for cutting you off like this, Tom.” I released my hold on Tom and took a step back, eyes hastily falling back on the Slytherin boy, “But I’ve finally found my lover, I hope you don’t mind.”

“Right,” Tom’s expression faltered, then returned to being cold as he nodded towards Seonghwa, “I’ll see you around. But, Y/N, did you know Park and Lestrange have been acquittances for quite a while now?”

My eyebrows furrowed as I bit my lower lip, wondering if Seonghwa had ever mention Lestrange to me, “Of course, there are no secrets between Seonghwa and I.”

I felt the slight prodding at my mind, but Tom got nowhere near my thoughts as I have carefully guarded them all night. I bowed my head slightly before I walked away from the dance floor, nearing my lover and the Lestrange family with a soft smile on my lips. Rabastan was the first one to notice me, and he loudly cleared his throat, eyes jumping between Seonghwa and my approaching form. Seonghwa stiffened and I tried to mask my confusion as I stood next to my lover, “Good evening.”

“Good evening, Miss…?” Rabastan’s father was a gruff man, scary-looking, and rather unfriendly as his voice was harsh.

“Song, Song Y/N.” I answered and offered him my hand before I greeted his wife, who looked stoic and glared at me viciously. But I remained unphased as I continued smiling.

“Song,” She muttered, eyes narrowing as she shared a glance with her husband, “your parents are quite prominent figures in the Ministry, aren’t they?”

“Yes.” I answered, not keen of talking about my parents. It was always about them, never about me. They’ve made their own reputation already, I wanted to make one for myself.

“Y/N is just as brilliant as her parents, if not more.” Seonghwa mused with a warm tone, lips pulled into a dashing smile as I felt his arm sneak around my middle and gently pull me into his side. My muscles softened as his familiar warmth and cologne embraced my being, making me look up at him with a small grin. Rabastan’s parents exchanged a glance as their son cleared his throat again, looking rather awkward.

“And you make a pair, I assume.” Rabastan’s father quirked an eyebrow, not looking very impressed by the prospect. Before I could answer, Seonghwa hummed lowly and I felt his fingers flex against my hips in a quiet request to remain silent. I bit my bottom lip, but adhered to his request.

“Yes, Miss Song and I had been quite the academic rivals, but I suppose in our fifth year we found common ground and discovered together we are more powerful, our knowledge forever expanding.” Seonghwa’s answer made my eyebrows furrow as I turned my head to look at him with a questioning gaze, but he continued looking at the Lestranges, who seemed pleased with his answer.

“Well, yes, she is a Slytherin like our son,” Rabastan’s mother said with a chuckle that was filled with vice, “but she might take after her parents, after all.”

Fed up with the cryptic conversation, I chuckled and flashed the Rabastans an apologetic smile before I cradled Seonghwa’s cheek in my hand and turned his head to face me, “May we dance? You’ve neglected me the whole night, my love.”

“My apologies,” Seonghwa hummed and kissed my wrist as I let my hand fall from his face, the two of us looking back at the Lestranges, “It was a pleasure talking to you and meeting you Mr. and Mrs. Lestrange, I shall see you around—hopefully.”

They nodded wordlessly as Rabastan bid us farewell, and I intertwined my fingers with Seonghwa’s as I led us back to the dance floor, the crowd a little more dispersed now than it has been when I was dancing with Tom. The orchestra now had started playing slow tunes, all the dancing couples swaying gently to the music. I sighed as I felt Seonghwa’s arms slip around my hips to pull me close in, my arms circling his shoulders as our bodies flushed together, my nerves and muscles easing at the familiar press of his body against mine. Seonghwa’s round eyes had a warm glow in them, his cherry-like lips pulled into a soft smile. I chuckled and fought the muscles in my body yearning to press a kiss against his lips, and instead let my eyes travel down to the early Christmas gift I had given him earlier this morning. Seonghwa and I would be going home tomorrow, meaning that we wouldn’t spend the holidays together like last year, when Hongjoong, his best friend, decided to stay at Hogwarts due to his horrible parents and Seonghwa and I decided to stay too, to keep him company. It was one of the best Christmases I have ever had.

My gift was something small, a thin silver chain necklace with a small star pendant hanging on it, representing the way I viewed Seonghwa. He was bright and beautiful, always glimmering in the darkness and guiding me through my hardships, helping me sparkle as bright as him. He was an inspiration and so easily lovable that sometimes I felt like I fell for him over and over again each day.

“I had no idea you knew Rabastan Lestrange?” I raised an eyebrow as Seonghwa sighed, our moves smooth as he twirled us around.

“Barely.” He muttered, dipping his head low, his breath fanning my face, “Did Professor Slughorn introduce you to Theseus Scamander? I saw you talking to him.”

“He did!” I beamed, Seonghwa’s eyes creasing as he smiled back at me, “I am so happy I met him tonight, he said he cannot wait for me to join the Auror’s Office.”

“Is that so?” Seonghwa hummed, making my eyebrows furrow in confusion. He didn’t look too eager, but he chuckled upon seeing my reaction, it didn’t sound amused, “With how eager Riddle was to whisk you away for a dance, I figured you couldn’t talk much to Mr. Scamander.”

“Seonghwa,” I sighed, interlacing my fingers around his neck as I tilted my head back, “can we not do this here? Can we just not talk about Tom for one second?”

“How can I not talk about Riddle when he’s openly trying to court my partner—”

“Seonghwa.” I snapped quietly as I didn’t want anyone to overhear our useless argument, “Tom hates every female that breaths around him withing a meter radius, can you please for the love of Merlin stop this nonsense?!”

“I cannot.” He hissed, eyes narrowing as our steps faltered, “You fail to see the issue at hand, Y/N, he hates every female but you. And I cannot stand that—”

“Why are you so jealous when I have never given you a reason to be?” I cut him off, eyebrows furrowing in annoyance.

“Because you’re mine and I cannot fathom losing you, I just—”

“Park Seonghwa.” I sighed, cupping his cheeks as I shook my head at him, “You are the love of my life, I have never loved anyone before you and I will never love anyone else but you. I don’t want anyone else that isn’t you, and I will never do. You are my star and the reason I live for, and I trust you with my whole being and have given all of myself to you. Sometimes—I just wish you trusted me as much as I trust you. When you act like this, you make me feel guilty and bad, like I don’t deserve your love and you.”

Seonghwa’s bottom lip was between his teeth and he released a long sigh as his hands sneaked back to grip my hips, “Only Merlin know how much I love you, Y/N, how much faith I have in you, and just how much I trust you. It’s this irrational fear that I will lose you if I make a wrong move that makes me act like this. I don’t even care about Riddle—or anyone else—if I have one fear, it’s that of losing the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I might be your star, but a star cannot shine without darkness. I need you, promise me you’ll stay by my side no matter what.”

“I promise to forever stay by your side, Hwa.”

            Hongjoong was a good friend to Seonghwa, righteous, and ferociously protective. But even Hongjoong could tell apart right from wrong, unlike Seonghwa. And when I had gotten home after meeting him at the coffee shop, in the haste of searching for my yellow bottle of pills as my hands had started trembling once again, I found a small rolled up paper nestled between the white tablets. Eager to swallow the sedatives, I held the paper carefully, and after downing two tablets, I unrolled the paper, eyebrows furrowing when I realized it was an address to a fancy place in high-end London, where socialites mingled to their hearts wishes—both muggles, wizards, and witches alike. Hongjoong would never help me in taking down his best friend, but he also knew I was offering his best friend the easy way out this time. I would let him flee if he promises to never show himself around Grindelwald—I would do that because it’s Seonghwa. Because I cannot imagine a life without him even if he’s not by my side, just the thought of knowing he’s out there breathing and living keeps me going.

The casino Hongjoong had given me the address of was fancy and elite, only those who had an invite could enter. But I had connections, getting in was the easiest part. And perhaps, feeling nostalgic after having seen Hongjoong, I yearned to see more familiar faces that reminded me of my innocent childhood, familiar faces that could help me forget that I haven’t heard from Mingi and Yunho in a week. They were alive, that much we knew, but we had no idea if they had been discovered or injured, or if they have gone low-key in order to have even fewer chances of compromising their mission. Nonetheless, when I sent an owl to an old-time friend, I did not expect to receive an answer this eager, at least not from this particular person. Having taken my time to tidy up and make myself presentable, I slipped my bottle of pills inside my purse, knowing that there were great chances I would be seeing Seonghwa tonight—that was the whole point of me going to the casino. I was restless all day long and I had probably already taken too many of them, but the tremors of my hands never once stopped, and I could feel my heart race all day long. It was unsettling, but I knew there was nothing more I could do about it but slip the bottle in my purse and pray to Merlin for a successful mission. If I managed to get Seonghwa on my side tonight, much would change—the war would change.

There was a light smog in the air of London as I neared the casino, the evening breeze pleasant for once as the cobblestones were slippery from the previous rain. There was a light drizzle in the air still, but the invisible shield I had casted around myself to protect me from it was doing its job fairly well to keep me dry. My fur coat kept me warm as the nature of my dress was more daring tonight, attention grabbing on purpose. As I neared the entrance of the casino, lit up brightly and bustling with ladies and gentlemen that had bright smiles on their faces, I noticed a tall figure looming to the side in the darker corner of the street. Heartbeat halting, I hurried my steps as I clutched the invitation tighter in my hands, eager to see the man’s face from up-close. It’s been a few years since we’ve seen each other, I didn’t think he’d actually join me tonight. I knew he had his own ambitions, what those were exactly, I couldn’t tell. He’s always been secretive, but he’s made quite the reputation for himself after finishing Hogwarts. He was a young promising man, eager to chase after his desires.

“Miss Song!” His voice had gotten deeper over the years, but remained as velvety as always. My lips pulled into a smile as I was finally close enough to see his face clearly, and I was taken aback by the obvious changes the years have brought to his once youthful face. His eyes were still as bright and blue, perhaps even icier than they used to be, but his cheekbones had become hollower, skin ashier. He looked good, but he looked ghastly.

“Mr. Riddle.” I came to a stop in front of him with a big smile on my face, and was taken aback by the arms that have wrapped around me in a hug. Tom had always hated physical contact, I wondered if the passing of years had changed that, “You’ve changed. A lot.”

“Hopefully in a good way.” He chuckled as he released me, smirking dashingly at me. I would be lying if I said my heart didn’t skip a beat. I chuckled and shook my head, taking in his even taller, but lanky, form.

“I suppose yes,” I hummed, realizing that there were no traces of the young boy I have once viewed as perhaps my little brother, “You’ve grown taller, I didn’t think that was possible.”

Tom and I chuckled at the same time as he reached out again, squeezing my lower arm, “And you look stronger than ever.”

I hummed and tried to hide the way my tremors only worsened at his words, wanting to tell him that I was on the brink of falling apart every day. I wasn’t strong, I was far from being strong, I just refused to give in to the darkness until I have fulfilled my purpose, then I could finally let go. Give in to whatever madness threatened to pull my thoughts to an everlasting field of blackness, the stars absent from the night sky. Stars that have long abandoned me, left me alone to fend for myself, to figure things out without a guiding light.

“Let’s head inside, I’m beginning to feel cold.” I muttered as Tom hummed, offering his arm for me to take as he confidently waltzed us towards the entrance, the bouncer smiling at us pleasantly as I handed over our invitation. It seems that he already knew Tom, who, it turns out, frequents this casino rather often. The question was on the tip of my tongue, whether he sees Seonghwa here often or not, but I didn’t want to know. It was better not to know. I couldn’t start questioning Tom’s morality right now, I had to stay focused on the task at hand, which was finding Seonghwa and trying to coerce him onto my side.

            The place was buzzing with all sorts of people, all seemingly eager to socialize and make lasting connections. The interior of the casino was vast and covered in red and black décor, giving it a sultry but eloquent touch. We had barely walked in when our coats and purses were taken to a garderobe for safe keeping. And before Tom could explain much about the place and the type of events that were held here, we were swarmed by quite a few wizards and witches, all very keen of talking to Tom, of holding his attention for more than five minutes. It seems like that hasn’t changed since Hogwarts.

I remained by his side and smiled, only spoke up when I was addressed to as I was too busy searching the room—the crowd—for the familiar face that I was here in the first place. I had opted to wear a long-sleeved dress as it was still cold outside, the velvet fabric feeling soft against my skin, keeping me perhaps too warm inside the parched room. The neckline of it was a deeper cut, just shy of stopping at the swell of my breasts, and I had decorated my long neck with emeralds that glinted prettily under the light. The dress was long, I had to be careful not to step on it with the heel of my high heels, and it was a poison green, tricky as under the light it glimmered green, however, otherwise it appeared black. I had pulled my hair away from my face and curled the strands, letting them fall free against my back as simple emerald earrings decorated my ears.

I was itching to hold onto something as I tried not to fidget with my hands, preferably to feel the comforting weight of the bottle of pills, but as they were hidden away in my purse, the only reassurance that I wasn’t completely defenceless lay hidden under my long dress, strapped against my shin was my wand. Over the years, I have learned to excel in wandless magic completely, but just knowing that I had my wand on me helped ease my nervous heartbeat. My eyes never stopped surveying the crowd, waiting to spot those round eyes and cherry-red lips.

“Aren’t you the Songs’ daughter, my dear?” I felt a lady gently touch my arm in order to grab my attention, and I averted my eyes from the back of a man who seemed to have a form similar to Seonghwa’s.

“I am.” I answered the older lady with a pleasant smile, trying to seem cordial despite my nerves.

“Oh, you are gorgeous.” She whispered, fingering the velvet sleeve of my dress, lips pursed, “You were a Slytherin, yes?”

“Yes.” I hummed, glancing side ways at Tom, wondering whether he could save me from this stranger, but he was busy speaking to who seemed to be the lady’s husband, “Does that matter?”

“Well, Slytherins are highly regarded in our society, we are prestige, you know?” The old lady smirked, and I gently pulled my hands behind my back, feeling uncomfortable that she wouldn’t stop touching my dress.

“I wouldn’t call ourselves prestige when most from our house turn towards the usage of the Dark Arts in inconvenient and illegal ways.” I grumbled, trying to hide my distaste as the older lady chuckled, eyes narrowing at me.

“So, you seem to share your parents’ beliefs, after all.” I heaved a long sigh, looking at the lady with a pressing glare. It was always about my parents, about sharing their beliefs. I was fed up with hearing that over and over again. What did people expect of me? To follow the ‘path’ of other Slytherins and join dark causes? Why did everyone have prejudices of us? And most of all, why did everyone assume all Slytherins were evil and would turn against what was right to do?

“My parents are mighty people and proud of their legacy.” My voice was harsh as I squared my shoulders back, the older lady’s eyes slightly widened, “My mother was a Hufflepuff and she raised me with compassion and fierce love that taught me how to differentiate wrong from right. My father was a Ravenclaw that is beyond wise his years and values knowledge above anything else, he taught me that there is no reason to live if you don’t learn constantly, if you don’t find a passion that you excel in. Excuse me if I find no joy in slaying those innocents around me, if I don’t enjoy tea parties organized to discuss who would and who wouldn’t live another day. You, and everyone else, should know basic human decency and stop playing the Gods you’ll never be. I am Slytherin proud of my heritage, and Merlin be damned if I let another one look down on me because of my parents, who have achieved things far beyond your capability in this fragile life that we live. So, if you happen to have a problem with me, or the fact that I am a Song, please, speak to be bluntly and not in riddles.”

The older lady’s mouth hung open in shock, and we have earned the attention of Tom and the man he was talking to, the two looking just as taken aback as the lady. Well, Tom didn’t look that much surprised, his frown told me of his distaste towards my words, and the swift glare sent my way signalled to me to shut up. But I didn’t want to, my nerves were on a high and if one more person mentions my parents and the fact that I am the ‘Songs’ daughter’, I shall repeat my speech proud and loud for the whole room to hear. It wasn’t hard to guess that it was infested with Grindelwald’s people, and my stomach churned as I felt Tom’s fingers sneak around my wrist, holding it so firmly I almost winced in pain.

“She’s opiniated.” Is what the old man said at last, eyes narrowed as he pulled his wife closer into his side, “Is this who you’ve looked up to at Hogwarts? The woman you’ve mentioned before?”

My breath stilled as I looked at Tom confused, feeling suddenly uncomfortable as I tried to untangle his fingers from my wrist but he wasn’t letting go. Was Seonghwa right all along? Was Tom trying to veer me away from Seonghwa while we were at Hogwarts? Had I been actually blind to Tom’s advances? But that mustn’t have been possible, I’ve heard Tom say multiple times that he wasn’t capable of feeling love for anyone, nor was he interested in maintaining any relationships, not even friendships.

“I apologize for her harsh words,” Tom bowed his head humbly, making my eyebrows furrow, “in her field of work she must be blunt and unfiltered, sometimes that slips into her everyday life too.”

I grit my teeth, but remained silent as the older man chuckled, eyes twinkling as he took me in. My face was a mask of impassiveness despite the urge to jinx both him and his wife. Deciding that I didn’t want to partake in this wretched conversation anymore, I turned my head and allowed my eyes to survey the crowd again. I heard Tom’s voice, but I paid no mind to what words were said. I knew the older couple walked away with a laugh on their lips, and I felt Tom’s eyes piercing the side of my head, but I was frozen. My tremors returned in the worst way, making my arms tremble as I tried to gulp but my throat felt dry, eyes glassing over the longer I looked at the familiar, yet so foreign face of my once lover. He was far from us, in the heart of the crowd as he tipped his head back, lips pulled into a charming smile as he laughed. The sound was swallowed by the cacophony created by the conversing people and the playing orchestra, yet I could hear its warm timbre as if he were right next to me.

He had also changed, became less boyish looking and turned sharper in angles he didn’t have before. His jaw was sharp and his nose tall, his round eyes void of the softness I was so used to receiving from him. His cheekbones were more defined than before, his cheeks having lost the baby fat I so loved pinching, and his black hair was longer than I have ever seen it before, framing his face, falling onto his forehead as his bangs were styled carefully. Gone were his wild curls that he always struggled to keep in one place. Park Seonghwa has changed since the last time I’ve seen him, and I was afraid I couldn’t recognize him anymore. Had Grindelwald stolen away even the last remnants of my lover?

“I can’t breathe.” I croaked out as I held onto my middle, my muscles so tense I was in pain as I tried not to double over and empty the contents of my stomach. I needed my pills, I had to take them before I would cause a scene. Suddenly, as Seonghwa’s eyebrows furrowed and his eyes turned sharp, vigilante, and found mine, Tom obscured my view of him, eyebrows furrowed in concern, yet I couldn’t actually see the concern in his eyes, or on his face.

“Let’s head over to the bar,” He said quietly, grabbing my hand and stopping the absent-minded scratching I had started doing, “water will do you good.”

I hummed, unable to will my legs to move, and felt thankful when Tom gently coerced me towards the bar, nestling my arm in his as he pulled me into his side, his cologne foreign. There was nothing comforting about his presence, unlike how Hongjoong’s had been, and I struggled to regulate my breathing and frantic heartbeats, telling myself that I was here on a mission and that I had to place aside any feelings I felt towards Seonghwa. I couldn’t compromise my mission this way, I was here to offer Seonghwa a way out. If I wasn’t able to keep it together for just one night, then why was I even here?

Too wrapped up in my mind, I didn’t hear Tom speak to the bartender, nor did I see the glass of water that was placed in front of me until Tom poked my trembling hands and pushed the glass towards me. I quickly took it and gulped down the cool water in a few sips, thankful that the ache in my throat was finally soothed. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath as I placed the glass back onto the surface of the bar, willing my muscles to loosen up as I licked my lips, Tom’s pressing stare becoming irritating. I exhaled slowly and opened my eyes, glancing over to Tom, voice raspy as I spoke up, “Thank you.”

“I’m here for you.” Tom muttered, grabbing my hand and making the hairs stand on my arms as I didn’t want to be touched. But I said nothing as I gulped and nodded once, focusing on my trembling hands as I knew Tom had noticed them, his eyes straying towards them. If only I could fetch my purse to take just one pill, it would help a lot right now. I sighed and had started pulling my hand away from Tom’s just as a person appeared right next to Tom, lean body leaning against the bar as his eyes were cold, narrow, and piercing.

“Good evening.” He spoke up upon making eye contact with me, and I forgot how to breathe all over again, “Miss Song, Mr. Riddle.”

“Mr. Park.” My voice was a mere whisper as our eyes bore into each other, mine desperately searching for a semblance of the man I used to love. But it was gone, innocence and youth long ripped from him, now only a shell of the dorky and geeky boy that used to recite poems to me that he found in muggle books. It broke my heart; it made me mad—it made my hands tremble even worse.

“Oh, and who are these?” A very thick accented female voice spoke up, her dark red lips pulled into a pleasant and friendly smile as her eyes rivalled Tom’s blueness. I gulped, eyes straying from her onto Seonghwa as he looked down at her, his expression softening as he placed an arm around her middle. I didn’t allow myself to feel anything upon seeing that as my eyes snapped back up to Seonghwa’s face, waiting for his next move.

“Old acquittances from Hogwarts.” He said easily, flashing the woman a quick fake smile, “This is Rhaena, she went to Beauxbatons.”

“Pleased to meet you!” Her French accent was irritating as she extended her hand to shake, eyes stalling on Tom for a second too long. I bit the insides of my cheeks, trying to reign in my scowl as Tom elegantly pressed a kiss against her knuckles, smirking at her with a charming gaze.

“My name is Song Y/N.” I introduced myself confidently once it was my turn to shake her hand, my handshake firm and perhaps too strong as Rhaena winced while my eyes landed on Seonghwa, my own lips pulling into an unamused smirk, “I must admit being introduced as mere acquittances leaves me with a distaste I didn’t think I’d harbour towards you, Mr. Park.”

Tom laughed loudly, watching Seonghwa with a challenging look as Rhaena turned and looked back at him with a quirk to her eyebrow, “My memories must be murky, my apologies, it’s been long since we’ve last seen each other, Miss Song. But I see you continue entertaining your old admirers—”

“Admirer is a strong word,” Tom cut him off with a chuckle, but it was far from being friendly as he glared at Seonghwa, “I merely admire Miss Song’s working etiquette, always have, ever since our time at Hogwarts, I suppose. Is it such a crime to look up to a strong, ambitious, and independent woman?”

I could see the spark of interest in Rhaena’s eyes the longer Tom talked, and it irked me. If she was with Seonghwa, why was she so openly interested in other men? Did Seonghwa not see? Did he not care? Seonghwa deserved better than a woman who couldn’t remain loyal to him.

“Ambitious with foolish ideas—” Before Seonghwa could finish his jab and break my heart more than it was already, Rhaena interjected, smiling widely at Tom. I knew he wasn’t interested in her, but it was scary how well he played his act of looking interested in the eager woman.

“I have always loved a man who is able to recognize the power his partner holds and worship her like a queen.” Rhaena’s lips pulled into a suggestive smirk as she licked her lips, eyes raking over Tom’s body, making me feel uncomfortable as I eyed the two. Tom chuckled under his breath but I noticed the way his jaw clenched and unclenched.

“You’re too daring for me, Miss Rhaena.” Tom settled with saying, making the French woman pout as she suddenly pressed herself to Seonghwa’s side, who was glaring at Tom’s blatant rejection.

“And Miss Song isn’t?” Seonghwa’s lips pulled into a vicious smile, face contorting into something sinister as he continued with an air of insignificance, “After all, Aurors take great pride in their work and never place anyone above themselves.”

“Miss Song knows the distinction between her personal life and her work.” Tom snapped back, grabbing the sleeve of my dress when I started shuffling on my feet, feeling uncomfortable by the exchange. I felt a little prodding in my mind and as I glanced at Tom, he was already looking at me with a frown. I nonverbally reassured him that I was okay, and finally admitted to him that I was here on a mission. He understood quickly and didn’t ask questions, only stated that he’d help me with whatever.

“So, you two are married, then? Rhaena kept on antagonizing us as our telepathic conversation was broken, and my eyebrows furrowed as I scoffed.

“Tom is an old friend that I have always been fond of, are you married to Seonghwa?” Perhaps my tone was too snappy, perhaps my words gave away too much. I gulped, realizing that my emotions were getting the best of me, making me ponder again whether I should just go ask for my purse to take another pill. Things were going horribly; this isn’t what I had planned for the night.

“No.” It was Seonghwa who answered, voice deep and laced with anger, “What are you doing here, Miss Song? I haven’t seen you at the casino before.”

“I’m here to accompany Tom as he’s told me he’s been feeling rather lonely on his visits to the casino.” I plastered on a fake smile, levelling my voice so that they wouldn’t be able to tell that I was lying. Even Tom seemed to be surprised as he hummed next to me in confirmation of said lie, tilting his head as he looked at Seonghwa challengingly, “It’s a nice break from my work that you seem to know so much of, Mr. Park.”

But Rhaena seemed to be stuck on a different part of the conversation, “Mr. Riddle, would you like to be my first dance partner of the night?”

I stiffened as Tom chuckled, giving me a quick glance before he nodded and extended his hand for Rhaena to take. She batted her eyelashes at him and pursed her lips as she waved at Seonghwa, walking off with Tom towards the dance floor. I gulped, eyes stuck onto them as I subconsciously started rubbing my left hand, nails digging into my skin painfully, scratching the skin as it left marks. My heart had started hammering against my chest, and I couldn’t face Seonghwa as I felt his piercing gaze bore into the side of my head. I knew why I was here; I knew what I wanted to say to him, but his hostile attitude wasn’t something I had expected, and now I felt like I needed to rethink and reformulate everything I had wanted to say to him.

Jumping at the sudden warm touch against my hand, I faced Seonghwa with wide eyes as he squeezed my fingers, stopping me from scratching my skin up more. My eyebrows furrowed as my hand tingled, leaving my throat dry once again as Seonghwa’s expression was blank, his round eyes having lost their beautiful and warm glimmer.

“Will you dance with me?” His voice was quiet, tone almost dejected, and I gulped as I nodded wordlessly. He didn’t release my hand, instead, he intertwined his fingers with mine as he led the way towards the dancing crowd, making my insides churn at the familiar feel of his larger palm pressing against my small one.

For a second, I felt like a teenager back at Hogwarts, dancing with Seonghwa under the moonlight to a melody that he so often hummed. But the bodies that nearly collided into mine did a good job of helping me repress the memory to stay level-headed, and instead, I straightened my back and finally remembered what I was taught when I was training to become an Auror. The mission was my number one priority now, and so, I repressed all emotions and slipped a neutral expression onto my face as Seonghwa stopped in the middle of the crowd and turned around to face me. He raised our intertwined hands and yanked me towards himself, taking me off guard as I stumbled into his body. He swiftly grabbed onto my hip and I steadied myself as I held onto his shoulder, turning my head away to gaze over it as Seonghwa’s eyes landed on my face. My heart was hammering against my ribcage, skin burning everywhere it touched Seonghwa’s.

It felt familiar being in his hold, warm and comforting, yet his body was tense and on-alert. Seonghwa was a smart man, he knew if I was here, other Aurors might be too, he was on the look-out in case he needed to flee. My body was tense too, but for different reasons. I was trying not to give in to the yearning of my consciousness after the warm body that I knew so well, the embrace that made me feel like the luckiest person on the planet, the lips that ignited my skin on fire wherever they touched. I have missed Seonghwa so much that sometimes I wondered if my impeding madness was imposed upon me by our separation.

“It’s unexpected seeing you here.” Seonghwa muttered carefully, voice void of the previous hostility. I gulped and nodded, having to agree with him.

“I was curious of this place.” That wasn’t a total lie, and Seonghwa could tell. I felt his finger graze against my knuckles, gently rubbing them, but I ignored it for my peace of mind—which I was already struggling with.

“And how do you like it?”

“It’s too pompous, fake, prestigious.”

“People are here to make beneficial connections, of course it’s fake.” Seonghwa’s voice had dropped low so that nobody but me would hear him. I hummed, licking my lips as I felt him pull me more into himself as we danced around in a small circle, his familiar cologne making my head spin. Even after all these years, he looked and felt like the Seonghwa I once fell in love with.

“Your hair is long now.” I had no idea why I said that but I couldn’t take it back now, and Seonghwa’s steps stuttered for a second, making me step on my dress.

“I’ve always liked it better like this,” He said once he cleared his throat, “I kept it short because my parents didn’t like it.”

“I know.” I whispered and closed my eyes, giving in to my body’s cravings as I felt Seonghwa’s hand slip lower, press firmly against my lower back as our bodies flushed together, making me let out a stuttered breath.

“And your parents, are they well?” I felt bile rise up in my throat upon the question that left his mouth. He knew about them, of course he did, it was his people who sent them into hiding. My parents had played an enormous part in discovering the identity of Grindelwald’s men and their hideout. Of course, they were being hunted by Grindelwald now. I wasn’t safe either, but I was an Auror now, a talented one, Grindelwald wouldn’t waste his time on somebody who could very well defend themselves against him and his army. At least, not yet. I’m sure my time will come too.

“You’re being a hypocrite right now, Seonghwa.” I snapped, hearing him heave a sigh.

“They’ve always been kind to me, I do not wish mal-intent towards them—”

“And towards others?” I snapped, eyebrows furrowed as I pulled my head back to be able to look him in the eyes, “Towards all the innocent lives Grindelwald has taken—you have taken?!”

Seonghwa gulped, jaw clenching as his eyes narrowed, “There’s nothing innocent about being oppressed and having to hide our true nature while those mudbloods continue living their lives carefree and in peace.”

“Mudbloods.” I whispered, shaking my head in disappointment at Seonghwa, “You’re a half-blood, Seonghwa—”

“Enough.” Seonghwa snapped, his grip on my hand turning just a little painful, “I do not want to hear whatever you have to say—”

“Well, that is hilarious, Seonghwa.” I chuckled humourless, eyes narrowing at him in annoyance, “You cannot silence me, you cannot tell me what to do.”

“I can silence you,” He gulped, eyebrows furrowing, “for forever, if I want to.”

I froze, feeling a chill run down my spine, and then I just chuckled. I raised my eyebrows at him, looking him in the eyes challengingly, “Like you’ve silenced all those unassuming folk living in those village you burned to a crisp?!”

Seonghwa’s face contorted in anger, his round eyes narrowing as they stared me down fiercely, a dangerous glint in them, “What had to be done was done. They refused to join our cause.”

“A cause that is wrong and harms others, Seonghwa.” My voice raised slightly as I had lost my patience, our faces leaning in close as we both breathed through our noses harshly, glaring down each other, “You’ve done so many atrocities that you’re afraid to face the repercussions, isn’t it? It’s still not late, Seonghwa, if you come with me tonight, I can make things less painful for you. I can convince the officials to lessen your sentence, I can make them reason with you. If you say you regret everything you’ve done and that you will strive to fix your mistake, they will—”

“I will never do that.” Seonghwa hissed and I felt his breath fan my face, “I stand by what I believe in, I stand by what I have done, Y/N. You are on the wrong side, and you all will pay.”

Body shaking from both anger and anxiety, I tried to inhale deeply and exhale, but my throat felt restricted, and the longer I remained in Seonghwa’s arms the more choked up I would feel. I needed to get away, to get away from the man that didn’t resemble my once lover. This wasn’t the Seonghwa I had fallen in love with, this was—a monster standing in front of me. I bit my lower lip, feeling them tremble as I tried to supress the desperate need to cry, I wouldn’t do it. Not here, not in front of him, not ever again. I have cried enough because of him.

Feeling unsafe and cold in his arms, I tried to detach myself from Seonghwa, but his hold only tightened as his eyebrows further furrowed, looking like he was fighting with himself, a turmoil going on inside his mind. My blood froze over when my eyes slipped from his face, falling onto the necklace that sat against his black shirt, sparkling underneath the dim lights. It was the star necklace I had gifted him. Shaking my head, I looked back up in his eyes, grabbing onto the collar of his vest as Seonghwa’s arms held me in a firm embrace, fingers pressing painfully so into my lower back, “Seonghwa.”

And when his eyes shook, I knew he had lost control over himself, over his emotions, over his mind. I felt my eyes fill with tears for breaking even the little trust that’s remained between the two of us as our eyes bled into each other, making it easy for me to push through his fragile mind’s barriers. It was frightening how dark his thoughts were, revolving around murder and strategies of taking down even more people, of converting even more wizards and witches for their ‘greater’ cause. It was terrifying how good of a manipulator Grindelwald was, the fatherly look in his eyes when he looked at Seonghwa, the praises that left his mouth addicting—the complete opposite of Seonghwa’s muggle father who would never understand our world. I felt a small resistance trying to build itself back up in his mind, but I was stronger—Tom’s lessons at Hogwarts had paid off, the Auror training only making my acquired skills stronger—and so, I pushed forward, searching for anything that would be of use for future purposes.

In my search, I stumbled past sleepless nights spent staring up at the ceiling, of tear-filled eyes and salty cheeks as a familiar man cradled Seonghwa to his chest, shushing him and reassuring him of a bright ending. I heard broken whispers of my name as he’d wake up in a cold sweat from a nightmare, of lustful touches that were turned down in a haste at last, and ear-piercing shouts that sent everything tumbling to the ground, shattering. And then, painfilled screams and pleas for mercy, people on their knees crying, mothers cradling their children to their chests as their houses burned down and—a piece of parchment that would’ve been blank if it wasn’t for the name of the town scribbled down on it, Grindelwald’s harsh voice commanding my once lover to make everyone perish, nobody spared. He didn’t need anyone on his side from that village, he wanted revenge. Revenge on my parents and on everyone who’s ever tried to mislead him and take him down. Mingi. Yunho.

Seonghwa and I gasped loudly as he finally managed to push me out of his mind, not that I wanted to see anything beyond this. I have seen everything I needed. I had to alert the aurors of the attack Grindelwald had planned on our hideout. My heart raced in fear for my loved ones, and suddenly, I became aware of the hands holding my arms painfully, making me hiss out in pain as I looked up at Seonghwa’s face, feeling my heart still as his eyes were filled with tears, shaking, mouth agape as he looked speechless. I knew he’d hate me for invading his mind without permission, but I had to do it. Our trust in each other has been long broken; I was doing this for the greater good. Seonghwa wouldn’t understand, but he didn’t have to. Despite being a monster, he did something good, he contributed to saving hundreds of lives by weakening his mental barrier.

“You-you—” His voice was shaky as his eyebrows furrowed, body starting to shake from anger, “how could you?!”

“You made me do this, Seonghwa.” I gulped, jumping when he grabbed my nape painfully so, yanking our heads so close to each other that our lips brushed together. I felt my knees grow weak, it would be so easy to press my lips against his now, to feel the soft and plush skin against mine, to devour him and taste him. He’s always felt like home, but would he still feel like it? “You gave me no choice, Seonghwa.”

He scoffed, sneering at me as I whimpered when his fingernails dug into the sensitive skin of my neck, “You’re a monster, they’ve turned you into a monster.”

“As they have with you.” I whispered, biting the inside of my cheek to stop myself from crying, to keep myself from surrendering to Seonghwa completely. Seonghwa huffed, looking like he couldn’t believe what I have just said, eyes falling onto my lips as I tilted my head back, hands smoothing against his chest as my fingers ached from griping onto his vest so tightly. And my eyelashes threatened to flutter closed when Seonghwa angled his head just a little lower, his plump lips slotted perfectly against mine if one of us were to just tip our heads even the slightest forward.

But we were monsters to each other, the bogeyman of each other’s stories.

 1943

            I was close to finishing my patrolling duties, the Astronomy Tower my last stop before I could head back to the Slytherin common room and catch up on some much-needed sleep. Our examinations for the end of the year were nearing, more notedly, we only had one more week to catch up on every lesson before we’d be subjected to the long week of finals. It was stressful and I barely had any time for anything besides studying, so, much like others, I was cooped up in the library, scribbling down any necessary information that I might’ve missed during classes. Seonghwa and I only met up when we’d have breakfast, lunch, and dinner in the dining hall—unless one of us decided to skip due to not having studied enough that day. But that was alright, we both valued our studies and grades above all and, besides, we left little messages for each other in hidden places that we knew the other would patrol in the evenings after curfew.

The steps to the Astronomy Tower were steep and made of thick concrete, I pressed my palm against the stone wall for guidance and to feel safer as I was headed up to the tower. I had a slight fear of heights, which wasn’t too handy when I had to fly on a broom, hence why I never even considered playing Quidditch despite finding it cool and entertaining. Hongjoong could’ve probably brewed me a potion that made my fear halt but then again, I don’t know how smart it would have been to trust Hongjoong with even the simplest potions. He loved experimenting, and I had been on the receiving end of his failed brews one too many times. I am sure Madam Gorsemoor, herself, will banish me from this school if I turn up with an aching tummy to her Infirmary one more time.

I was panting by the time I reached the top of the stairs, all I had to do was round the corner and peek around it, then I could bolt back down to the Slytherin dormitories. However, just as I was about to do that, I heard hushed voices echoing around the stone walls. I couldn’t tell exactly what was being said as the voices were low, nonetheless, I did have to interrupt whatever was going on as I was a Prefect—I would even need to deduct house points if these were students and not professors. Squaring my shoulders and straightening my back to look more menacing than I actually was—with hopes of scaring off the students—I power-walked around the corner, only to freeze in the next second. Seonghwa stood leaning against the railing of the terrace, the wind howling loudly without the walls protecting us, and he was speaking to Rabastan Lestrange. My eyebrows furrowed as I noticed another figure sitting down, feet dangling over the ledge as he was leaned back on his hands, gazing up at the bright starry night sky, Hongjoong.

I didn’t understand what was happening, and I gulped as I carefully hid back around the corner, grateful that the three boys hadn’t noticed me. I peeked my head around the stone wall, still, and cast a wandless eavesdropping spell, Seonghwa and Rabastan’s voices suddenly tangible to my ears.

“So, what you’re saying is that your parents got everything ready for us?” Seonghwa’s usually warm voice lacked emotion now, and I could see that his eyebrows were slightly furrowed.

“Yes, all we have to do is give them the go.” Rabastan’s voice was harsh much like his father’s, and my eyebrows furrowed even more as I felt more confused than ever. What was this about and how did Seonghwa know Rabastan? What even was the purpose of this meeting after curfew? Was it worth it for Rabastan and Hongjoong to get caught and have house points reduced?

“But are you certain we’ve got enough people on the inside?” Seonghwa pressed on, sounding stressed, “Out of twenty-five people I have talked to, only ten wanted to join the cause.”

“Is he one of them?” Rabastan scoffed, tilting his head in Hongjoong’s direction as he remained ignorant of the two. I chewed on my bottom lip as Seonghwa glanced back at his best friend then shook his head slightly.

“Don’t worry about him,” Seonghwa muttered and Hongjoong gave him a lopsided smirk and a wink. Rabastan looked disgusted as he averted his eyes, glaring at Seonghwa now.

“If Grindelwald arrives and marches inside the school, we need to have enough students on his side to defend against the other fools, Park.” Rabastan hissed and my eyes widened, a tiny gasp slipping past my lips in shock, “He’s been planning this for way too long for you to mess it up—”

“And I have been planning alongside him just as much, Lestrange.” Seonghwa leered as he got all up in Rabastan’s face, his face contorted in anger. I had never seen Seonghwa look like that, I couldn’t believe this was real, that my Seonghwa was saying such things. What did he mean he’s been planning alongside him—alongside Grindelwald?! Was Seonghwa doing bad things behind my back? There had to be an explanation to all of this, this can only be a sick joke. Before I could react, Hongjoong tipped his head back, looking rather bored until we made eye contact. His eyes widened instantly and his mouth fell open as he struggled to scramble up as I shook my head at him ‘no’, but it was already too late.

“Seonghwa!” He hissed, and I watched as my lover looked over to his best friend with an irked expression on his face until he followed Hongjoong’s line of sight, our eyes meeting. I gasped, my heart racing in my chest as I whirled around and took off running, waving off the spell I had cast. I held onto the railing tightly as I tried to make my way fast down the stairs, struggling not to stumble and accidentally fall as I heard hurried footsteps echo behind me, laboured breaths leaving the person’s mouth. I didn’t dare look back to see who was following after me, but if they weren’t casting jinxes my way it meant that I was somewhat safe. At least as long as they didn’t reach the end of the staircase. The winding stairs seemed to suddenly never end as the wind howled in the distance the closer I got to the bottom, to the wooden door that was ajar as I had left it like that, the key to the door sitting in my pocket.

My lungs heaved for air as I finally reached the last stone step, letting go of the railing as I ran for the wooden door, screaming in fright when I felt a hand wrap around my bicep and yank me back before I could leave. I was whirled around and pushed against the door as I frantically tried to fight off the hands gripping my arms now.

“Y/N, it’s me.” The breathy voice was gentle, “My love, it’s Seonghwa.”

But that wasn’t comforting to hear anymore as my head snapped up, wide eyes staring at Seonghwa’s worried face. I gulped and gripped his forearms, pulling him closer towards me as our chests rose and fell quickly, “Explain.”

Seonghwa’s face blanched, skin paling as he gulped, his grip softening against my biceps, “I—what you heard isn’t—my love, let’s stay level-headed—”

“Is it true?” I snapped, jaw clenching as I couldn’t stand to hear him stutter, “What Lestrange has said, is it true, Seonghwa?!”

“Calm down first—”

“Don’t tell me to calm down!” I screamed and fought his grip off, pushing him away from me. My hands had started trembling as I stared at him with disgust, trying to make sense of everything, “It is true?! Are you on-on Grindelwald’s side?!”

“Y/N,” Seonghwa froze, his expression suddenly faltering as he looked past me, at the wooden door, “Yes—Yes, I am.”

I felt my heart clench as tears flooded my eyes in an instant, and I was gripping Seonghwa’s shirt in a flash, yanking him down to be eye-level with me, “Tell me you’re lying. Look me in the eyes.”

Seonghwa’s jaw clenched and unclenched as he licked his lips, struggling to take a long breath as his eyes fell on my face, searching for something that he didn’t find as suddenly he looked resigned, “It’s not a lie, my love, I have chosen to support Grindelwald’s cause. We’ve been forced to suffer for too long, shunned into hiding while those creatures do as they please, while they live the lives we are supposed to live.”

I shuddered at his words and released him as if he had burned me, hugging my arms around my middle as I bit my bottom lip, a few tears having escaped my eyes, “You were there. At Lucy’s funeral, you were there, Seonghwa. She died because of Grindelwald. Her entire family—eradicated, burned down, because she was an innocent Muggle.”

Seonghwa’s eyes were filled with tears too as I had started crying now, hands shaking even more as I tried to wipe my cheeks dry, but the tears just kept flowing, “I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry?!” I snapped, voice shaking from the betrayal I was feeling, from anger, and from feeling like my heart’s been ripped out, “How could you look me in the eyes every single day, touch me, when you’ve been going behind my back and plotting such atrocious thing, Seonghwa?!”

“I wanted to tell you but you—you—” I took a step back as Seonghwa tried to reach out for me, watching the hurt expression on his face due to my rejection, “I knew you’d react like this; I just couldn’t tell you. You’d—ruin our plans.”

It felt like a punch to the gut hearing the love of my life say those things and I laughed, body shaking in despair and pain that this is the side my lover had chosen. The man I thought I would marry one day, give children to, grow old with. Yet here he stood in front of me, with tears streaming down his face—an abomination, just a mere shell of what he used to be, “Your father is a muggle, Hwa.”

His jaw clenched and he swiftly wiped his tears off his cheeks, taking deep breaths to calm himself down, “And he’s never been good to me.”

I gulped as I closed my eyes and willed my muscles to ease up a bit so that I could move again. I brushed my hair back as I blinked my eyes open, a little blurry from the tears that still threatened to spill out, but I sucked it up and nodded, ignoring my heart that was crying out for my mind to stop, not to say the words that would leave my lips soon, “Goodbye, Mr. Park.”

“What?” Seonghwa’s eyebrows furrowed as I grabbed the door handle behind me and bowed my head respectfully.

“Finish your Prefect duties and go back to your dormitory.” My voice was devoid of any emotion as I yanked the wooden door open behind myself, mind numb and silent for once, “I shall do the same, I won’t report this to Headmaster Dippet just yet.”

“Y/N, what are you—”

“I believe it’s Miss Song to you, Mr. Park.”

Seonghwa’s eyes widened as I stepped outside, hands trembling beyond normal as I had started feeling faint, “Y/N, no. No, you cannot leave me, I don’t—I cannot—please, Y/N, my love, please don’t. I cannot live without you, Y/N—”

The wooden door was loud as it slammed shut in my face, making my knees go weak as I tumbled to the floor, gasping for air as my whole chest felt on fire, tears wetting my cheeks before I could even try to stop them from escaping. The gut-wrenching sob that rippled through the hallway despite the wooden door that separated us made my skin crawl, my heart screaming at me to go back and take back everything I’d said to Seonghwa, but my mind knew what was right. My mind knew there was no further future for us, for Seonghwa.

He had chosen his path, and I have chosen mine.

            Like many knew, my work etiquette was beyond pristine and precise. I valued my missions above anything else, and so, I had wasted no time in reporting back to the Auror’s Office—to Theseus Scamander—about what I had found out at the casino. The attack that Grindelwald’s men—Seonghwa—was tasked to lead to avenge their leader. I could only hope that I was on time, that they hadn’t gotten to the village just yet, but with Seonghwa knowing that I had discovered their plans, it was probable that I was either too late, or they wouldn’t attack anymore. Either way, I was compromised and I needed to move, to go into hiding at one of our safe houses. I had requested to be placed close to Yunho and Mingi, in hopes that I could finally find them and speak to them. I missed them gravely, and slowly I had started feeling crazy without their safe and comforting presence around me.

But my mission wasn’t over yet, due to the weight of Seonghwa’s own mission, now I was tasked with killing him. It was a straight-up order, nothing could change their minds. Even if Seonghwa apologized and begged, they wouldn’t forgive him. In their eyes, he deserved to die—and I knew this. He did deserve to die, but I couldn’t ignore the growing lump in my throat and the coil of my stomach any time I tried to come up with a plan to lure him towards me. I was a trained professional, and I was tasked to kill a man. It would have been like second nature if said main wasn’t Seonghwa. I didn’t know how to proceed just yet, but I knew upon seeing Mingi and Yunho I would find solace in their presence and inspiration in their ideas. But one thing was certain, I would never be able to face Hongjoong again if my mission was successful.

I had woken up early in the morning to pack away my most important belongings, stuffing old polaroids deep into my satchel bag—the same one I had used at Hogwarts. At times when I felt nostalgic and missed the good old times, I would flip through the moving polaroids that had been taken at Hogwarts, many of them of Seonghwa and I, or of Seonghwa, Hongjoong, and I. Despite Yunho and Mingi having entered my life recently—three years ago, more specifically—the pictures of the three of us belonged in the same pile. Those two were like the brothers I never had.

I had taken my time to venture into the Muggle World and buy enough pills to last me three months in case I had to hide for a longer period of time, and I was already tempted to abuse the prescribed amount as I placed the third bottle away in my satchel bag, zipping it closed and placing it down onto the floor, next to my other bags. Now all I had to do was wait for the official that would fetch me and Apparate me to the safe house. Only a select few knew of its location, and I would be granted permission only once we have arrived to it. It didn’t help either that last night I was plagued with nightmares, the lack of sleep and the pills I had taken earlier this morning made me feel drowsy now, making me contemplate if taking a nap right now was smart or not. But I felt too restless to sleep, and thus, I couldn’t stop pacing around my main hallway, chewing away at my bottom lip. I was thinking of ways that I could deal with Seonghwa, desperately trying to find a way out in which he remained alive, when there were three firm knocks at my front door. I released a stressed sigh, grateful that the official was finally here and that I wouldn’t have to think about my issues for a little while.

I hurried over to the door, unlocking it quickly and yanking it open, freezing in surprise. The black cloaked figure was tall, head leaning down and obscured by a hood, making me wonder if the Ministry had changed up their customs and forgot to update me about them. But then, the person raised their head just until I could see their eyes, and I froze. Round eyes were narrowed into a ferocious glare and I gasped as I went to slam the door shut, fear striking my whole body as Seonghwa threw himself against my front door, pushing with all of his force to throw it open. I hissed as I leaned against the door heavily, refusing to give up, but Seonghwa gave it an aggressive push and I was sent tumbling back as I crashed into the round table placed in the middle of the hallway. He pushed the door open with his foot and unclipped his cloak from around his shoulders as he elegantly stepped inside, eyes cautiously glancing around, surveying the place. Perhaps he was looking to make sure I was alone.

I quickly snapped out of my initial shock and pushed off the table, heart beating fast as I ran around the table, going to fetch my wand which was placed atop the fireplace, but suddenly I felt my feet tangle together, sending me face first down onto the floor. I groaned as I narrowly avoided banging my head against the surface and rolled onto my back as I heard footsteps quickly approach. Staring up at Seonghwa wide eyed, his wand pointed at me, I narrowed my eyes and watched as the wand flew out of his hand at my non-verbal spell. His jaw clenched and I quickly jumped up to my feet, eyeing his wand, contemplating whether I should grab his instead as I knew he was never too good at wandless magic. I could only hope that was still true.

But as I lunged towards his wand, which had rolled underneath the table, Seonghwa lunged for me, arms wrapping around me and tackling me onto the table. I gasped as I collided against the surface painfully so, my shoulder digging into the sturdy wood as Seonghwa pressed my cheek with his hand against the surface without mercy.

“You’ve got a nice little cottage for yourself, Miss Song.” He sneered leaning down, “A little too daring for my taste. You didn’t even have wards set up.”

I huffed and grabbed his wrist with my left hand, which wasn’t trapped underneath my body, and yanked his hand off my face, kicking his shin hard with my leg, “I fear no one, Mr. Park. One doesn’t need wards when they live on the edge a Wizarding and Muggle town.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, my love.” I gulped at the once endearing nickname, and trashed around until Seonghwa’s hold loosened, “You made tracking you so easy.”

I chuckled as I finally wrestled my way out from underneath Seonghwa, “Perhaps I wanted to be found, my love, perhaps you just willingly walked into my trap, Hwa.”

Seonghwa froze for a second, face falling as I smirked and jumped up, hand curling around his neck as I threw him into the wall behind him, making him gasp at the sheer force I had used. I had never fought physically against Seonghwa, we had only duelled at Hogwarts. He had no idea what I was capable of in hand-to-hand combat. But I also had no idea how he fought, and I was certainly taken aback when I felt his knee raise into my stomach, making me suck in a sharp breath of air. My hand left his neck as I doubled over, fighting the urge to vomit as Seonghwa looked down at me with a dark look in his eyes. I felt fingers card through my hair and my head was yanked back as I groaned, looking up into his eyes with venom.

“You’re rather unprepared for someone who’s just lured me into their trap.” Seonghwa leered, leaning down, but before he could get too close, I stomped on his foot harshly, making him cry out as he let go of me, pushing me to the side. Regaining my balance, I dashed towards the fireplace to retrieve my wand and I heard hurried movement behind myself as well as we both turned around at the same time, wands held in each other’s direction threateningly. Neither of us moved nor spoke, our eyes boring into each other’s to see who would make the first attack. Based on experience, Seonghwa wouldn’t attack first, he would wait for me to do that, but I suppose times have changed us as I was forced to dodge an attack that almost made my fireplace explode into pieces. My eyes widened at the aggressive nature of Seonghwa’s attack and decided to return the energy. If he wanted to play dirty and use non-verbal magic, I could certainly match his energy.

I sent a Stupefy his way and watched in satisfaction as it took him off guard and sent him flying into the wall, breaking the small shoe rack that I have mounted myself. I smirked at Seonghwa, tilting my head with a challenging glint in my eyes, until I suddenly lost my footing again. It had seemed like he was fond of the spell. Seonghwa looked slightly dazed as I tried to regain my bearings, my head having hit the floor a little hard this time, but the duel must go on, I have gone through far worse things compared to this.

Sharp icy arrows were shot towards me as I scrambled backward, raising an invisible shield with my left hand as I sent blue fireballs towards Seonghwa using wandless magic. His eyebrows furrowed as he raised his own shield last minute, looking taken aback that I could use my magic so sharply while utilizing three methods at once. I knew he couldn’t when his eyes hardened again, giving me time to finally stand up and continue my attack with a spell that had birds materializing and diving for Seonghwa. He yelped and shielded himself, his barrier broken by the bird’s beaks as I shot another Stupefy at him, which he barely avoided as it crashed into the portraits hung onto the wall, sending them crashing to the floor.

I knew his next move before he even did it—I didn’t need to read his mind to know—as I raised another shield, dodging his strong Stupefy as it shattered my spell quite instantly. This duel felt childlike, as if we were testing each other’s patience, wanting to see who would give in first. It almost felt petty, like he was only teasing me because he was so certain that he’d win. I could count on my fingers how often he had beat me in a duel, and I knew for a fact that he still wasn’t better than me. Fed up with our useless fight, I decided to put an end to it as my eyes hardened, Seonghwa’s eyes narrowing upon seeing my expression. But before I could yell out Expelliarmus, I felt my right hand burn, the wand so hot that I had no choice but to drop it as I gasped, the tremors of my hands worsening as I looked back up at Seonghwa. He was smirking, thinking he had won the duel, but I raised my left hand and screamed, “Expelliarmus!”

He didn’t expect me not to give in right away, and so, his wand flew out of his hand as I whirled it against the wall, hearing a crack. My breath halted in my throat as my eyes widened in horror, watching as Seonghwa’s broken wand fell to the floor, his jaw falling open as he flinched. The apology was on the tip of my tongue, but the pure rage that had encompassed Seonghwa’s face made me shiver, and I dashed for the front door, trying to escape before his wrath could reach me. But had I miscalculated our distance, and as I grabbed the handle and tried to open the door, I felt a warm presence behind myself as the door was slammed back shut, my breathing loud in the silent room as my heart had started beating fast.

I was frozen, too afraid to move as I didn’t know what Seonghwa would do now. The man that stood behind me, stopping me from fleeing, was somebody I didn’t know. I could hear Seonghwa trying to level his breaths as his palm remained pressing against the door, his arm brushing against my hair. I tried to calculate my next move, work out what would be the smartest thing to do next, but his proximity made it hard to focus. I had seen him barely two days ago and his touch was still fresh in my mind, haunting my every waking moment, making me crave him like never before.

“Where’s Riddle when you need him, huh?” Seonghwa’s tone was poisonous, laced with hatred as I tensed, eyebrows furrowing.

“I don’t need Riddle,” I hissed, jaw clenching as my grip tightened around the handle, “I can protect myself; I don’t need anyone.”

“One would assume he’d be running here to save you like the lost puppy he was following you around at Hogwarts—”

“Tom has no part in my life!” My voice raised as I grew angrier, whirling around to face Seonghwa. I faltered for a second, finding him too close for comfort as he glared down at me, a dangerous glimmer in his eyes as I gulped, “I only used him to get an invite to the casino because I heard he goes there often—like you.”

Seonghwa’s careful mask cracked for a second as his eyebrows twitched, almost turning into a frown, but he caught himself and smirked instead, leaning down, “You think you can fool me with your pathetic lies?”

“Want me to show you?” I raised an eyebrow challengingly, knowing that it would only make Seonghwa angrier as he detested Legillimency, especially after I have used it on him at the casino.

He scoffed, leaning down closer to my face, “I should’ve killed you on the spot two nights ago—”

“Yet you didn’t,” I breathed out with a scoff, “like I haven’t told anyone about you and Lestrange’s stupid plan of bringing Grindelwald inside Hogwarts.”

“It wasn’t stupid—”

“You failed.”

“Because Riddle caused a scene, as always.” Seonghwa hissed, and I jumped when his fist made contact with the door above my head, making me melt back into the sturdy door, heart racing all over again, “I would’ve killed him a long time ago if Grindelwald hadn’t seen potential in him.”

Dread washed over me as I felt my stomach drop, “What are you talking about?”

“Don’t worry,” Seonghwa leered, tilting his head to the side as his glare made me feel sick to my stomach. He’s never looked at me like that, with so much venom and hatred, “your little lover refused his offer and Grindelwald decided to let him live for a little longer.”

“He’s not my lover.” I snapped, chest rising and falling quickly once again as I started getting angry. When would he understand that I could never look at Tom the way he thinks I did, “I have never harboured any romantic feelings towards Tom—I don’t even understand how my personal life is any of your business. You don’t see me talking ill of Rhaena or questioning her motives with you, Seonghwa.”

He paused as he gulped loudly, his hand slipping lower on the door until it was right next to my head, his wrist brushing against my cheekbone, “Rhaena is someone I work with, it’s all professional.”

“I do not care, Seonghwa.”

“You don’t, right.”

I gulped as suddenly an uncertain look crossed Seonghwa’s features, his eyes momentarily softening as I felt my whole body tingle as he stepped closer, his clothes brushing against mine. I felt my mouth go dry as my eyes roamed his face, palms turning into fists as I felt the sudden urge to reach out to him and touch him. Seonghwa placed his other hand against the door too, caging me in between himself and the sturdy surface. His eyebrows furrowed as his dark eyes bore into mine, bangs slightly obscuring his beautiful eyes as he exhaled slowly, closing the distance between our bodies. I shuddered and tilted my head back as he straightened up, my eyes landing on his plush lips as he parted them, tongue poking out to lick his dry lips. My whole body was buzzing as my eyebrows furrowed, my heart and mind fighting a never-ending battle as I couldn’t contain myself anymore and reached up, fingers reluctantly touching his cheek.

I wasn’t certain if he’d let me as his eyebrows furrowed even more, obvious that he was also struggling to make up his mind. But at last, I decided to be brave and cupped his warm cheek, my hand trembling against his soft skin. Seonghwa gasped quietly as his eyes widened, searching my gaze before his eyes fluttered shut, bringing tears into my eyes. I so desperately wanted to be engulfed by his familiar embrace, the warmth of his safe hug, the feeling of belonging, something I haven’t felt ever since we parted ways. Then, just slightly, as my fingers have started tracing his cheekbone, he turned his head and pressed a firm kiss against my wrist, alighting a vicious fire in my body.

“Seonghwa.” I had barely finished whispering his name when my lips were muffled by his, the familiarity of them making me moan as I threw my arms around his shoulders, clinging to him with desperation. Seonghwa inhaled loudly as he gripped my hips and flushed our bodies together to the point you couldn’t tell where he started and where I ended, and I pushed up on my tiptoes to better kiss him. His pace was sloppy and desperate as I returned the aggressivity of his own lips, fingers tangling in his dark and long locks, pulling on the strands and making him groan in the back of his throat. He leaned down and I felt his hands travel to my thighs, and I jumped before he could signal for me to, legs wrapping around his hips firmly as he pressed me back up against the sturdy door, moaning against my mouth when I finally parted my lips for his tongue to explore. He tasted like the old Seonghwa, he smelled like the old Seonghwa, he even felt like the old Seonghwa.

His body had gotten sturdier, stronger, and yet despite the desperate way he clung to me, fingers pressing into my cheeks or grabbing at my neck, he remained mindful of hurting me, of being gentle even in our desperation to feel each other, to love each other. His tongue lapped at mine eagerly, sucking my bottom lip between his teeth when he pulled back for a scarce breather, making me chase after his lips again as I couldn’t let go of him just yet. Our lips were swollen and covered in our mixed saliva, but I couldn’t care less as finally my thoughts were silent, my body and mind only focusing on Seonghwa. He gripped the back of my thighs and I made sure to hold onto him tighter as he pulled me off the door and started walking aimlessly around my cottage, having to pull away from my lips just slightly so that I could give him directions towards my bedroom.

Our clothes were quick to come off, even before we made it to the bedroom, and I found his once flawless skin now littered with scars, bringing tears to my eyes as he shuddered when I gently traced them with my fingertips. My body wasn’t perfect either, but it definitely harboured less scars than his, and it made me wonder just how many times he’s been in harms way with no guarantee that he’ll make it out alive. Before I could cry, Seonghwa’s lips were pressing against my cheeks, my forehead, my eyes, my nose, my jaw and chin, at last finding my lips as I was guided backwards onto the bed, pressing me down gently as he wasted no time getting on top of me. Despite the passing of time and being away from each other for four years, our bodies seemed to still know the other, our minds remembering every little thing that made the other tick, and it felt natural as we were guided by pure lust and desire for each other.

I had tried to remain composed and focused on Seonghwa, to give back just as much as I was receiving, but when he had settled between my legs, lips pressing feather-like kisses against my thighs until he drove me crazy and had me begging for more, I was a gone woman only able to focus on the immense pleasure his long tongue and plush lips brought, his fingers helping out when it wasn’t enough anymore. When my fingers yanked on his hair so hard that it made him whine, tongue lapping at my juices even faster, making me writ around until he held me down by the hips, Seonghwa knew I was close to unravelling, to coming undone on nothing but his tongue and fingers. But he pulled back, he always did, because he wanted to fill me up, to make me scream his name while I came undone on his dick. His lips kissed all the way up to my lips as I whispered his name over and over again, scratching down his back with my long nails, legs hooking around his hips as he wouldn’t lay on me just yet, tongue tangling with mine and making me taste myself as I reached down between us, grabbing his twitching member.

Seonghwa froze, moaning against my mouth as his eyebrows furrowed, rutting against my palm as I jerked my hand faster, until he was begging me to stop because he didn’t want to finish like this. And I did, I cradled his face in my hands as our eyes bore into each other’s, his dick finally lined up with my entrance as he slowly pushed inside, holding himself up by the forearms. It was painful, it was bittersweet, and it was the most pleasure I have felt in years, all in the arms of the man I had once loved—I still loved. My mouth had fallen open as I hissed in pain, eyebrows furrowing and eyes falling shut as Seonghwa kissed my wrists, whispering reassuring words, understanding that I haven’t done this since we went our separate ways.

But I didn’t need much to get accustomed to the once familiar feel of his dick splitting me open, stretching me out and making me feel filled to the brim, the only thought on my mind being him, Seonghwa. And I tried to swallow the noises that wanted to tear through my throat, but the harder Seonghwa slammed back in, the faster his hips thrust, I could only moan and whine, call out his name repeatedly as he fondled my breasts and made my back arch, hitting my sensitive spot over and over again. I grabbed onto his arms for leverage as he sat back on his heels, holding my hips up tightly as he pulled me down on each thrust to meet him halfway, making me curse out loudly as my stomach had started coiling, the pleasure building up until I couldn’t bear with it anymore.

“Seonghwa.” His name was nothing but a broken whisper as I bit my bottom lip, opening my arms, knowing that he’d understand my request. And he did, because he pressed himself completely against me, my arms going underneath his to hug him tightly as my fingernails pressed into his shoulder blades once again, painfully so, making Seonghwa hiss in pain and pleasure at the same time. He buried his head in my neck as he was panting, hips jerking messily as he was nearing his own undoing, much like I was. Our bodies were covered in a thin layer of sweat, chasing our own orgasms as Seonghwa’s right hand lowered between our bodies and started quickly rubbing my bundle of nerves, making me throw my head back and come undone in just a few seconds. His name left my lips like a mantra as I felt tears spring into my eyes from the overwhelming pleasure, body trembling as he stilled, and then I felt hot liquid spill inside me as he lazily continued to move his hips, making my body ache as it all felt too much.

“My love.” His lips brushed against my ear with one final thrust and then he stilled, body going lax as I was panting hard, trying to swallow but my throat felt parched. Seonghwa muttered something against the skin of my neck but I didn’t understand, and I turned my head to press kisses against his hair, his shoulder blade, and ultimately his lips when he raised his head. I instantly felt cold and like I was missing something as he rolled over and pulled out, his chest rising and falling just as frantically as mine. My heart was beating so fast that it felt like a vein would pop in my forehead and I felt Seonghwa’s fingers intertwine with mine. I gulped and looked over, finding nothing but a pained expression on his face and eyes that were overflowing with tears. I couldn’t hold it back in anymore, and let mine fall free as Seonghwa sniffed loudly, his beautiful black hair strewn across my pillow, the cloudy weather casting my bedroom in a dim light.

“I love you, Y/N,” Seonghwa’s voice was raspy and it trembled as he pressed a long-lasting kiss against my knuckles, “I love you so much, my love.”

I bit my bottom lip to fight the sob that threatened to rip through my throat and nodded, bringing our hands up to my cheek to nuzzle it against Seonghwa’s skin, “I love you too, Hwa, always have. Always will.”

But we weren’t meant to be since we were on opposing sides. And we both knew that as our tears stopped flowing, our fingers going numb from how tightly we held onto each other. Seonghwa sighed then released my hand reluctantly, making me bite back a whine as he sat up, running his fingers through his hair. Before he could get off my bed, I sat up hurriedly and threw my arms around him, letting out a long exhale as he returned the embrace, cradling my head against his naked chest. I wanted to grow old with him, I wanted to have children that would gift us grandchildren, I wanted us to never be separated again. And maybe Seonghwa wanted that too because his whole body trembled as we somehow found the strength to separate from each other, eyes yearning for something we’d never have.

I watched as he rolled over, then sat on the edge of my bed as I pulled my knees up to my chest, hugging my bare legs, looking for even the smallest comfort now that I knew I would let him leave, just this once. This was our final goodbye, the closure we never got. Once Seonghwa was out of my cottage, we’d play our parts, we’d be the enemies everyone thought we were. I was ready, and perhaps he was ready to. An easy smile settled on my lips as I watched Seonghwa lean down and fetch something, his back muscles tensing as he glanced back over his shoulder. My eyebrows furrowed upon the solemn look on his face and I went rigid as he turned his torso around, my own wand pointed at me. His voice was resigned, a whisper, pained.

“Obliviate.”

1944

            The train came to a screeching halt as we neared the next village, sending me back in my seat as I stared out the window, feeling bored as I knew nobody who shared the compartment with me. But that’s how it is when you don’t have friends of your own. It was alright, I had always done just fine on my own. As the train stopped and the doors opened, I watched the students who lived in this village get off, pulling their heavy luggage after themselves, greeted by their families who couldn’t wait for them to return home for the summer holiday. My chin was resting in my palm as I pursed my lips, finding it hard to enjoy my last train ride back home, never to return to Hogwarts. There was an ache in my chest that grew the longer I stared out the window, the longer I stared at the messy black-haired boy that had stopped close to the edge of the platform, gazing inside the train, dark and soft eyes landing on me unmistakably.

I gulped, feeling my heartbeat pick up the longer our gazes remained connected, confused by the ache in my chest that only got worse the longer we looked at each other. My eyebrows furrowed as I felt this sudden urge to reach out to him, to get off the train and run into his arms, to breathe in his familiar scent and feel his plush lips press against my skin, and his low voice whisper reassuring words into my ears. I didn’t know why I felt like that, I couldn’t explain the yearning of my own body as the boy’s once familiar face became hazy, unclear. No matter how hard I tried to look, I couldn’t see his features clearly. I couldn’t remember his name.

He became a murky memory in the back of my mind as the train whistled, signalling its departure, and as we took off, I felt the lurch of my heart and the coil of my stomach worsen as I jumped up from my seat, pulling the window open and scaring those sitting in the compartment with me. I looked out the window, head leaning outside as my eyebrows furrowed, the name of the boy on the tip of my tongue as I desperately tried to cry out his name—but I didn’t know what it was. I didn’t know who he was. The alarmed cries of the people who rode with me snapped me out of my unexplainable actions, and I settled back into my seat feeling confused and embarrassed as I apologized.

I couldn’t tell anymore why my heart ached like I had loved someone with my whole being, with my soul, like I had sworn to remain by their side forever and even beyond. It confused me as to why I wanted to sob and scream after a boy that once was my guiding light in the darkness, my star. A face once familiar now became just the whisper of a distant memory that I couldn’t put my finger on, a nostalgic ache of a love that felt real, yet intangible.

The stars couldn’t shine bright without their darkness.

✩‧₊˚ Masterlist ✩‧₊˚

↳Perm. taglist: @orshii @jjoongstar @tinyelfperson @thestarskiller @zuuhaa

@aaa-sia @gong-fourz @a-tinycarat @sooberryworld @hopefulrascalstatesmantoad

@anastasiamin860 @yunhogrippers @vcutparis @tunaasan @blvckarabixnvoid

@yusalterego @arigakittyo @slowee00 @jaerisdiction @hey-syia

@vnessalau @oddracha @chatsgotmytongue @potatos-on-clouds @yunhowooyo

@watermelon2319 @yoongzsmile28 @klllerwaifu @apriecotte @hwasbbyg

@kyeos4ng @samiiy20 @woosanhobros @aswho1estuff @khjoongie98

@ateez-main-yapper @kang-ulzzang @felixs-voice-makes-me-wanna @ginger-mingi @redzie02

@unholywriters @autieofthevalley @roomsofangel @peachyy-joonie @baeksofty

@tunafishyfishylike

❀ complete the forms if you're interested! ^^

[tanadrin]

This is the Palestinian resistance. It’s not beautiful. It’s not inspiring. It’s desperate and futile and sad. Generation after generation of children, throwing themselves into the path of one of the most brutal military machines in human history, smashing their skulls against its steel hull, mangling their limbs in its treads, thousands of them, for seventy-five years, destroying themselves as they try to face down an engine that simply rolls on over the dying and the dead. These kids were brave, much braver than I’ll ever be. They rose to defend their honour. It’s noble. But stupid beyond belief. Later, Hedges talks to Lieutenant Ayman Ghanm, a Palestinian police officer who says he’s given up on trying to save these boys’ lives. ‘When we tell the boys not to go to the dunes,’ he says, ‘they taunt us as collaborators.’ I began by saying that this is a war without opposing sides. Israel is not actually trying to defeat the resistance; it has no political objectives, just violence. But the same goes for the resistance: they are not, in fact, doing anything to meaningfully resist. Think about what actually happens in Hedges’ story. The Israeli soldiers call through their loudspeakers for the Palestinians to come, come and be killed—and the Palestinians obediently show up. Their resistance is indistinguishable from following orders. The Israeli state wants a certain level of violence from the Palestinians, it actively courts it, and the resistance factions keep doing exactly as they’re told. They teach Palestinian children that the best thing they could do with their lives is lose them. This is not a very healthy attitude, but when you start up your bullshit about the glorious resistance you are part of that sickness. What would actual resistance look like? Maybe it would start with not handing over your life to the enemy. Not climbing up the dunes. In saying all this, I’m obviously breaking one of the biggest taboos on the left, which is that you must not presume to tell Palestinians how to go about their resistance. I might have spent time in Palestine, but I’m not Palestinian. I’m not subjected to the daily nightmare of occupation. Who am I to start preaching? My only reply is this: if the armed resistance factions were resisting sanely and effectively, this kind of taboo wouldn’t need to exist. If there were a better argument for their actions than don’t criticise the victims, you’d be making that one instead. But there isn’t, so you can’t. It’s not a coincidence that the exact same rhetoric is deployed by Israel and its apologists: yes, we’re committing hideous atrocities, but how dare you notice? Who are you to say anything to us? Whoever’s saying it, the fact remains that there is no military path to a free Palestine. This fact is inconvenient and unfair and doesn’t leave much room for the optimism of the will, but that doesn’t make it any less true, and if you think there’s an exemption from unfair truths that’s awarded to especially just causes then you are wrong. Israel has nuclear weapons: it will not be overthrown with small arms and explosives. I don’t think I have the right to condemn violent resistance altogether—but I can reject violent resistance that’s doomed to fail, that achieves nothing and produces nothing except violence for its own sake. Hamas and Palestinian Islamic Jihad claim to be fighting for an Islamic republic, in which Jews will be free to live peacefully as long as they don’t dispute the sovereignty of Islam. The PFLP claims to be fighting a revolutionary people’s war for a liberated workers’ state. Their critics say that both are actually fighting for an unlimited genocide, the death of every single Jew in Israel. But what difference does it make? This is all make-believe! None of it matters, because none of it is ever actually going to happen! They’re not fighting for anything at all. They’re just fighting.

This is a good essay in general, but this point draws out something I think is important: the need to believe that, if there is a group of Bad Guys in a conflict, doing Bad Things, there must be an opposing group of Good Guys doing Good Things. But there's no law of the universe that says it must be so; mostly there's just the churn of senseless, sickening violence, to no useful or redemptive end.

[fursasaida]

We Jews are a diverse people, and we draw strength from that diversity. Many of us have no connection to Israel and don’t desire one. By the same token, many Israelis are opposed to oppression and war. I am thinking of comrades like Hayim Katsman, a leftist scholar who envisioned different politics for the future and was killed on October 7. I am thinking of lifelong peace activists like Vivian Silver, whom we learned recently was also killed that day. May their memories be a blessing, and may the memories of all victims of injustice inspire us to greater works and higher aspirations than our elected officials and pundits—and may they move us to reject the false choices and petty prejudices they peddle.

My Jewish ancestors were treated like second-class citizens in their homelands, just as non-Jews are now throughout Israel and the occupied territories. My Jewish ancestors were killed in or made refugees by pogroms like the ones carried out by Hamas on October 7, and like the many carried out by Israeli settlers over the past year in the West Bank, which continue into the present at an accelerated pace with the active support of the Israeli military. My Jewish ancestors were targeted by ethnic cleansing projects that look increasingly similar to what is underway right now in Gaza. My Jewish ancestors, alongside those of many other communities, suffered at the hands of ethnonationalist, ostensibly genocidal projects like the one that has been perpetrated against the Palestinian people for the last hundred years.

As a Jewish American, I know that I honor their memory, my heritage, and our religion by speaking out for all those facing the same calamities. As a Jewish American, I know that my Jewishness is whole without nationalism, without a state—without hatred, racism, and violence. I know that preserving my safety does not require compromising anyone else’s, that my life is not secured by the deaths of others. I know that we all have the right to equal rights and peace alongside one another, as the Palestinian and Israeli people deserve equally. I know that nations do not keep us safe, and I know that we cannot achieve peace without justice.

I know that no Jews anywhere are safe from the scourge of antisemitism, just as our Muslim siblings are not safe from the scourge of Islamophobia. I know that no Jews anywhere are kept safe from the scourge of antisemitism by a nuclear superpower governed by extremists that carries out atrocities in our name daily. And I know that speech against war, on behalf of Palestinian lives, or critical of the actions or project of the Israeli government, is not antisemitic.

This is very personal to say in my workplace. I am compelled to speak here and now as a member of this faculty because there are many loud voices on and off campus claiming that Jews here are protected by the suppression of speech, expressions of Palestinian identity, criticism of Israel, and silencing of our anti-Zionist students, who have demonstrated tremendous courage and fortitude.

I must say to you all that I, a Jewish member of this faculty, am not asking the University to suppress anyone’s speech. I, a Jewish member of this faculty, am not threatened by appeals to Palestinian humanity and calls for peace. I, a Jewish member of this faculty, am not threatened by seeing keffiyehs and flags, or by the beautiful seas of students from all backgrounds calling for peace and justice that have swept through campus as of late. I, a Jewish member of this community, reject racism and prejudice in all forms—and I consequently reject the idea that calls for Palestinian liberation are by definition calls for the elimination of Israelis.

[...]

As I fear that University leadership recognizes only one account of modern Jewishness, I am—as a Jewish American whose home is here, in New York City, and not in Israel—left with no choice but to speak out. I do so on behalf of myself and my like-minded colleagues, for our students, with some of whom I share these experiences and outlooks. Anyone telling our leaders that they need to suppress our students’ free speech in order to keep Jews like me safe does not speak for me, and never will.

[marlsbys-dragons]

I’m so scared right now. 

I’m writing this not for any grand statement or call to action or anything, but because it’s safer for me to express my thoughts here than elsewhere right now.

If this goes like my other original posts, chances are no one will see this. That is ok. I might prefer it, actually. Though if you do happen to see this, please don’t take that to mean I don’t want interaction. This is a time to pull together, and that can most easily be done, in my opinion, by talking.

Like most of the people I figure are likely to see this, I am a queer American. If you are part of this group, chances are pretty good you know what I’m talking about. Earlier today, March 27th 2023 as of writing, there was a mass shooting at The Covenant School in Nashville Tennessee. Six were killed, three children, all age nine, and three adults, all aged between 60-61. The perpetrator was one Aiden Hale, 28, killed by police during a gunfight after their arrival on-scene approximately 14 minutes after 911 was called. 

If you are surprised by that name, so was I. Hale is being reported on mainly by the name Audrey Hale, his legal name, as according to a family member who asked to remain anonymous, he had only recently started identifying as transgender and using he/him pronouns. Despite this, almost all of the quotes featured in stories that I could find use she/her pronouns, and many stories refer to him as either a transgender woman or a female. The latter is inaccurate, the former strikes me as dangerously wrong.

Now, all of that is tragic backstory for the main point of this post. Some ungracious among you may attribute me lingering on the gender identity of the murder as opposed to his crimes as some sort of deflection, or worse, sign of respect. To any hypothetical people doing so, this is not for you. This person was clearly deeply mentally unwell, and if he had survived I would’ve been advocating life in prison.

However, while my heart goes out to the families of this senseless act, my mind turns to my own family. Not just my literal family who I live with, but my queer family, specifically my trans siblings across the US. We are already facing violence, oppression, and open criminalization to a degree not seen in my admittedly brief lifetime. Republicans and other right-wing actors are doing everything they can to instill baseless fear and hatred into our fellow Americans, forcing through bills that restrict our liberties and violate our human rights. 

The easiest targets for this hatred are trans women, aided by the overwhelmingly male statistics of sexual violence, and long-running and unfounded rumors seeded by transphobes and TERFs regarding alleged assaults and sexual motives for transition. After trans women come trans children, targeted for the same reasons children always are: dismissal by adults at large and a subsequent inability to speak to their own defense. And the bills are getting worse. To share a personal detail I don’t like to publicize, I am a parent of two, and there are bills in state legislatures across the country, Florida comes to mind, that could take my children away from me and throw me in jail for supporting them. A seemingly logical progression, which may have already been taken without my knowledge, is criminalizing trans people who live with children, something I have had nightmares about.

Why I am afraid is relatively simple, but to fully explain my reasons I want to share some further information: according to the Daily Mail, this shooting is is the 129th in the States this year. According to some very rough math I did on gunviolencearchive.org, a site whose list for 2023 has already reached 6 pages, this is in fact the 130th. Personally I would trust the Daily Mail’s number more. Also according to some quick finger counting on gunviolencearchive.org, we surpassed 100 mass shootings sometime on March 5th, a day with 4 separate incidents and a combined total of 3 dead, 13 injured. This is nearly two weeks earlier in the year than 2022 or 2021, and more than two months earlier than 2018-2020. I could not stomach looking farther. 

Some of you may have realized the awful truth about these numbers: in each of the last three years, we in the United States have had more than one mass shooting a day. Again per gunviolencearchive.org, that is a feat replicated by both 2020 and 2019, as well as 2016, the only other year to do so after their archival began in 2014.

As a trans person in America, who loves a trans person in America, who has trans friends across America, who has already had to start laying plans to flee the state I was raised in if it continues its present course, who sees nothing but fear in the future of so much of my family, I can only think that this will lead to bad things. 

The twisting and slanting has already begun. An article on Fox News refers to Hall as a transgender woman, despite his actual identity being a transgender man, and the usual bias of that company to call him a woman. Meanwhile, the New York post has an article focusing heavily on Covenant’s status as a Christian school.

Our enemies despise us with a visceral and blinding rage. They have proven time and time again that facts, logic, reason, human lives, mean nothing in their pursuit of a radicalized right-wing populist agenda and the power they think it promises. And now this? The all-too-real intersection of two of the biggest issues in US politics today: gun violence and transness. One which the right led to through inaction, and the other they manufactured out of hate.

I am no pundit, no scholar or insider. I cannot claim to forecast the future happenings of American politics with anything more than a layman’s weary eye. But I am a trans American, and despite everything I still want to be proud of this country, and I could see no resolution in sight to either gun violence or anti-trans legislating, only escalation, and now the two have merged. What will happen to us now? Sources:

https://www.thedailybeast.com/nashville-covenant-school-shooting-suspect-identified-as-audrey-hale

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/nashville-christian-school-shooter-appears-former-student-police-chief-rcna76876

https://www.newschannel5.com/news/what-we-know-about-the-covenant-school-shooter-in-nashville

https://www.foxnews.com/us/nashville-shooter-audrey-hale-transgender-woman-opened-fire-covenant-school

https://nypost.com/2023/03/27/nashville-school-shooter-audrey-hale-identified-as-transgender-and-had-detailed-manifesto-to-attack-christian-academy/

https://www.cnn.com/us/live-news/nashville-shooting-covenant-school-03-27-23/index.html

https://www.gunviolencearchive.org/reports/mass-shooting

https://www.gunviolencearchive.org/past-tolls

https://www.cnn.com/2023/03/06/politics/america-mass-shootings-2023-gun-violence/index.html

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-11907933/Nashville-school-shooting-Americas-129th-mass-shooting-2023.html

https://www.them.us/story/florida-bill-trans-kids-supportive-parents

Note: I wrote this in a hurry, with no real plan, and no proof-reading. If there is anything erroneous, please let me know. I apologize if it’s a bit disjointed. 

[artic-willow]

Duskwood AU "Criminal On The Loose."

Chapter 1 (N) "Not A Kid Anymore."

Taglist: : @jakelogic @i-desire-jake @jakeismylover @digital-corruption @pennyl4n3 @saddah-mo @booklover-01040 @rw47vr-key7vr @red-writes-stuff @layanasstories @zmayadw @hacked-by-jake @spookycolorpeanut @leverageduskwood @lyricsofravensong @juan-nonetheway @robbybarnes @lois-carroline @captainwanderlust78 @jake01040-duskwood @silentblogsstuff @youngphilosophertragedy @slow-hazel @sasnayaandra  @lem-onchan  @futaba-01040 @duskwood-fandom @aisling-things @oceanipebble @withjake-blog @duskyducky @roxiuuu @duskwoodx @miraculous-duskwood-girl @riaduskwood @nala-raines @lyon-amore @justubi @renneiscent

!TW: MENTION OF DRUGS, BAD WORDS!

*Azure’s POV*

The anxiety suffocates the air.

We are standing, in an almost isolated place with trucks parked at the end of the curb, with a German Shepherd pulling my arm so hard that it comes off.

I've seen worse, I could have been a lot worse.

-"So, what should we do?" Nuna murmurs in a playful voice, as if there is joy in this moment.

-"Dan lent us his dog, he's a dog who smells drugs." Charlie highlights the last words.

Nuna seems to go blackout for a moment.

Her eyes are glued to the ground and they look like two wells of water without an end. It looks like she is just scared, or maybe she is getting tired of living like this like me?

I can't blame her, everything sucks. Since we were born, we have been labeled slaves. We have never seen the light of freedom, of joy...Of having a normal fucking childhood. All we have seen since birth is death and violence.

A dog who smells drugs, cute. But...These types of dogs are on the side of good, not bad.

Since we have been criminals, practically, all our lives, it seems that all good things have slipped before our eyes. It's frustrating, but there's nothing we can do about it. But damn, Nuna is younger than me…Another broken heart. At her age I was already learning how to use a gun. Disgusting, just a broken heart. Just a broken soul. 

Oh how many times have I daydreamed about escaping this place but failing like a wingless angel. I would like to savor the taste of freedom, not of a prisoner.

Why do we have to live like this…? Why am I scared for every second of my damn life..? Why me…?

Charlie feels much less well, he can't deny it either. His eyes are dry and his mind is destroyed by everything. We didn't recover at all.

-"We will have to walk up to a small street, where Richy and Jessy have hidden drugs that we must then sell." Charlie sighs, a long, wild sigh. As if he too can no longer live like this.

- "Do we have to...?" Nuna is completely petrified, even here I can't blame her even a little.

What if the police find us and run after us? What if someone gets hurt while we run away from the police? We absolutely cannot rule out that the police will find us, because they will.

Charlie turns, looking at her menacingly. -"Are you still opposed to what they want?" Charlie lets out another heavy sigh, his eyes rolling for how many times he says that until he will vomit. -”If adults ask, you obey. End of the discussion. "

One of the phrases I hate the most. it's a fucking nonsense.

Why obey? In any case we will die one day, because they don't give a shit if we get hurt or are going to die with our heads. Nobody would care...So why obey them to adults if they are the cause of our malaise? Yet...It could also be the other way, why rebel if we don't have an escape route?

Nuna has heard that phrase so many times that she can now exchange it as daily bread.

She clenches her fists, her face wet from the little tears rising slightly just to look at Charlie with a look of hate. -"I do not care."

Though devoid of any swear words, the fragile but threatening voice makes me shiver. it's as if she highlights her hatred in all the words that come out of her mouth. 

It almost makes me think that...She too wants to stop living like this and rebel.

Charlie looks shocked too, but that feeling of shock can use it in his favor. -"Do you REALLY think we will have an escape from this shitty situation?"  His face is no longer annoyed, but slowly turns into a crooked and lethal smile. The smile you make when you want to say something threatening by bringing the facts to light and expecting to be right. 

Nuna makes a whimsical face, -"It's just that you don't see a way out, do you?"

The answer doesn't seem to make sense. But...Actually...Who says we don't have a way out? Or maybe…It’s just she who can see the way out.

- "Nuna! Shit!" He grits his teeth, - "You know how many fucking times I've tried to escape but couldn't?"

?

He tried to escape without us ..?

-"Carlie...If you tried to escape without us, it would mean that you don't care about us." I frown and look at him in the worst possible way. You fucking traitor.

He always tried to be some kind of leader, now what?  We can’t trust him anymore? He is sometimes a friend, he is sometimes the leader, he is sometimes an important member of the family… But sometimes he is the evil one, the hornless devil, a sociopath impotent to feel any kind of emotion. And now all these nicknames are completely foreign to me, who is he for us? 

Charlie is angry. It shows. He growls under his breath and his gaze burns everywhere he moves. -"You already know that I can't show much empathy...And I can't show it like you sometimes do..."

-"Charlie, nothing would happen if you showed us empathy sometimes." My voice is drier than before.

Nuna cries. -"You....You told me that we are not allowed to be children...Playing and having fun as such..." The voice is so much in pain and suffering that it seems that the heart has melted into a pulp inside of me.

Charlie saying that being a child is a way to show ourselves how useless we are, or at least as he said it he made us understand this.

I take Nuna's hand and we continue walking, without even seeing Charlie's embittered face.

—----

I shake Nuna's hand eagerly as I walk forward with my head cloudy with thoughts. The dog is making me walk faster as he is stronger than me. Nuna looks around lost and trembling.

-"Azure, I think we've arrived..." As soon as she pronounces these words I turn around and a shiver arches my back.

An isolated place with trucks randomly placed near the sidewalks, trucks of various brands of food or drink. It is now a completely abandoned place, with no trace of life and some trucks seem out of order.

Nuna stands beside me frightened by some strange noises, probably crows. -"Azure...What do we have to do…?"

The dog sticks its muzzle to the ground and begins to sniff the ground. -"Finding drugs that our allies had hidden...But in such a place I doubt there are any drugs..." I look around and the dog is about to take my arm off as he is glaring and dragging me towards a van. 

The van behind is open, I let go in pain and fell to the hard floor. -"Shit!" I let out a scream of pain.

-"Are you okay?" Nuna approaches the entrance of the van to peek.

I sneeze, my chest burns from the violent fall.

I look up and the dog is scratching somewhere in the van…From a distance it looked like a mousetrap. I get closer, and for some reason I start shaking. Sometimes it's Charlie who does these things, who has the courage to hold drugs. But he is not here with us, we can't always count on him.

Every step feels like I'm about to sink into the ground.

The dog has now dug and ruined that strange box, it's full of splinters. It's not safe to put my hand in that place...

I reach in with one hand, and pull out an envelope. It was a small bag, the contents inside were white and look like dandruff.

It…It is a drug…Even if it's not the first time I've done it, every time it just feels like a punch in the heart.

The thought of ruining people with this crap is heavy as an elephant on the back...

It's my fault something dies from this shit. It's my fault.

I leave the van crying, almost pushing Nuna.

There are some trees where, before collapsing, I place my hand on the trunk...

Why can't I have a normal life? Why do I always end up screwing everything up?

The world still collapses before my eyes.

I'm tired of living like this...

-"Azure?" Nuna hugs me from behind, I didn't even realize I was crying.

I turn abruptly and hug her, -"I'm sorry you have to face this life...I don't wish this on anyone."

Nuna looked confused, but she understood. -"Hey don't worry, it's not your fault..."

My mouth fills with things I want to say, but no one dares to come out.

-"You know...Maybe Charlie was right, we are not children anymore...Or at least we are for age but we don't think and act like children anymore." The way and the ease with which she says it is heartbreaking. But he's right.

-"Yes…You are right." I dry my tears, she too seems to be about to cry.

-"Can we eat something?" She huffs and holds her belly tightly.

I chuckle a little, -"If we find something, yes."

[gatekeeperwatchman]

Daily Devotionals for December 3, 2022

Proverbs: God's Wisdom for Daily Living Devotional Scripture: Proverbs 29:18 (KJV): 18 Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he.

Proverbs 29:18 (AMP): 18 Where there is no vision (no redemptive revelation of God), the people perish; but he who keeps the law (of God, which includes that of man) --blessed (happy, fortunate, and enviable) is he.

  Thought for the Day

The history of those nations that have had God's light demonstrates the truths of today's proverb. Whenever Israel turned away from God, such as during Samuel's early life, the nation suffered. "…And the word of the LORD was precious in those days; there was no open vision" (1 Samuel 3:1). Judges 21:25 reveals the terrible state of lawlessness and violence into which Israel had fallen when Samuel was a child, for "every man did what was right in his own eyes."

History illustrates that times become very dark when a vision of God's revelation departs. The fall of the Roman Empire in 476 A.D. is generally regarded as the ending of ancient history and commencing of Europe's Dark Ages. The Roman Empire brought peace, prosperity, culture, and learning to Europe. When it fell, the Romans were followed by illiterate barbarians. Western Europe plunged into political chaos and social disorder. Civilization almost completely disappeared. Illiteracy and ignorance of God's ways governed nobles and peasants alike. Education and literacy were relegated to monasteries. Churchmen preserved the Bible and other books that had been written in Latin before Rome's fall, but records from this period of the "Dark Ages" bear little clarity. The works of the many clerics of this time are inconsistent and show great ignorance because they accept fanciful stories as truth.

Satan strives to keep people in ignorance, and "in the dark." He has tried many times to destroy Scripture, prohibit the preaching of the Gospel, and persecute God's people. When a society turns its back on God and restricts the Gospel, as many nations have done, that nation regresses into violence and immorality. Those opposing the Bible do not realize that they are opposing the very influences that make life pleasant, for God is light and His light brings revelation, which liberates people. The revelation of Biblical truths and their practice of them always produces an orderly and civilized society and affects all aspects of its culture positively.

True Christians strive to obey God's commandments, not as a means of getting to heaven, but because they desire to honor and please God. Heavenly vision and revelation come to those who know Christ. Without this vision, people perish. "Behold, the days come, saith the LORD GOD, that I will send a famine in the land, not a famine of bread, nor a thirst for water, but of hearing the words of the LORD: And they shall wander from sea to sea, and from the north even to the east, they shall run to and fro to seek the word of the LORD, and shall not find it" (Amos 8:11-12). Prayer Devotional for the Day Dear heavenly Father, thank you for giving us Your revelation and vision. I do appreciate the light You give me as I am walking in a dark and fallen world. Lord, fill me with the Holy Spirit so that I will always be filled with Your light and love. Draw those who do not know You, unto that light. Fill my mouth with the right words so that those who do not know You can hear the gospel and come into the knowledge of Your dear Son, Jesus. May I practice good deeds in this life, so that others may see them and thereby bring glory unto You? I ask this in the name of Jesus. Amen.

From: Steven P. Miller CEO/ Founder of Gatekeeper-Watchman International Groups Jacksonville, Florida., Duval County, USA. @ParkermillerQ, @GatekeeperWatchman1,

GWIG, #GWIN, #GWINGO, #Ephraim1, #IAM, #Sparkermiller

[vinceleemiller]

Wrestling With Clear Commands Of God | 1 Samuel 15:1-3

Do you struggle with clear commands of God?

Welcome to the Daily Devo. I am Vince Miller.

This week, we are in 1 Samuel 15. I've titled this chapter "The Consequences of Disobedience."

Here is verse 1-3 of Chapter 15:

And Samuel said to Saul, “The Lord sent me to anoint you king over his people Israel; now therefore listen to the words of the Lord. Thus says the Lord of hosts, ‘I have noted what Amalek did to Israel in opposing them on the way when they came up out of Egypt. Now go and strike Amalek and devote to destruction all that they have. Do not spare them, but kill both man and woman, child and infant, ox and sheep, camel and donkey.’” — 1 Samuel 15:1-3

A lot of people, when they read these verses, are disturbed by this violent command of God. They read it apart from history and condemn and categorize it as “genocide” or “ethnic cleansing,” which is a very short-sighted view of this command. What we read here is God's delayed judgment on a long history of violence by the Amalekites.

The Amalekites were descendants of Esau. Amalek was Esau's grandson. What instigated this judgment was that they were the first human threat to the people of Israel after the Exodus (Exodus 17:8–16). You might remember this story. It's that epic moment when Moses is standing on the hill watching the battle with the Amalekites and Aaron and Hur on either side, helping to hold his arms and staff up because when they held his hands and staff up, they were winning against the Amalekites. Well, after that battle, God told Moses to write down that there would come a day when he would: “Utterly blot out the memory of Amalek from under heaven” (Exodus 17:14). And for many years, the Amalekites, a nomadic people, continued to be a violent and hostile people to the Israelites, (Judges 3:12–14; 6:3–5, 33; 7:12) which God wanted to bring to an end.

We need to wrestle with God's justice, but sometimes, our myopic view of justice fails to account for God's extraordinary perspective on justice. The more I get to know God and his Scripture, the less I question his commands and even the harshness of his justice.

When I was younger and knew the Scriptures less as well, I was troubled by even the simple commands of God. I had trouble seeing how bad company would corrupt good morals (1 Corinthians 15:33) or how sex outside of marriage was a sin against my own body (1 Corinthians 6:18). But with age and exposure to Scripture, I came to discover that in every instance there was great spiritual wisdom behind each one of these commands. Therefore, over time, I learned to trust God and his commands because I now know the wisdom behind these commands. I see something now I did not see before.

In this instance, God's command is to wipe out an entire tribe. Many modern readers are troubled by this because they have no context for the command and do not see what the people of the day easily saw and understood. Therefore, they take these verses out of context and call what is "bad good and what is good bad," perverting the truth, justice, and promise in God's command (Isaiah 5:20). We do this because we are fully convinced our perspective of justice is more progressive and developed than God's, which is laughable. Our perspective on this life and God's judgment is never more progressive, loving, just, and merciful than God's. That is sheer stupidity and arrogance. We will never know more than God.

I would encourage you today to get to know the riches of God's wisdom by being obedient more quickly, even when you don't fully understand. It's okay to ask the hard questions and get good answers, but don't delay obedience. Sometimes, delayed obedience is disobedience. So, if God is calling you to do something, do it! Don't miss out on the opportunity to get to know the deep wisdom of God by doing what he has commanded even when you don't like it or don't fully understand it.

#ObedienceToGod, #DivineJustice, #TrustInHisWisdom

Ask This:

When have you struggled to obey God's commands because they seemed harsh or difficult? How did you respond, and what did you learn from that experience?

What areas of your life are you tempted to delay obedience? How can you take immediate action to align with God's wisdom, even when it's challenging?

Do This:

Be obedient more quickly.

Pray This:

Lord, help me to trust Your wisdom and obey Your commands, even when I don't fully understand. Grant me the courage to act swiftly in obedience, knowing that Your ways are always just and true. Amen.

Play This:

Teach Me To Obey.

Check out this episode!

[vile-bestia]

before the body is punished, it is punishment

I have a body that does nothing but rebel to me, that does nothing but shout at me: "I am you, and it's not you being me!"

I have a body that arranges before me all of its weaponry, that reminds me that my organs aren't mine, that they have a will of their own, deterministic, natural, opposing, stupid, and blind, and ignorant, and hateful will. I, who have a mind that understands, should be immune to all this; and yet the body is like an inquisitor who has fun poking me with needles, drowning me in blood, the same I have spilt in chalices, in barrels, to gradually become something that resembles me more closely. The body won't listen to reason. I treat it, I care for it as an ancestral wound; and he, like a stubborn dying beast, detaches itself from my hands, from my intention, from my attempt to love it. If it really were the beast it is, then it would at least have the courage to abandon me. Instead, as sure as it is human, he grows like a tumour, alive it squirms in my arms, and I am not loving it tenderly anymore, but keeping it still, trying to mitigate its intentions, its functions; trying to allow the terrible clutches to caress, not slash. But this one, he only uses them to scratch me away. I attempt to embrace it newly, and then to sit it down, and to sedate it, to restrict it to the dimensions of anaesthetics, to trick it with pleasure, mortify it with pain - but my touch upon its thriving organ instigates it, my whip upon its writhing frenzies it, and he contorts against me - I end up, despite myself, seducing it. 

I must tie it down and oblige it. But in doing so I foment privation, which is mine alone: he wins me over, and I can't do but surrender anew.

The trembling gash is an Orlando whose crimson tears flow now mild, now virulent, to stain my arms, my fingers, to gather on the hairs that were once standing on end, now forcibly quiet; to flatten them, brine whose frost too heavy - but truthfully, honey and milk, bonds of the cosmos, slow eternal pulsation, subdued and all the more vibrant - and equally to crumble my pride. Quivers, he, with the pleasure of being unfurled with such violence, of being obliterated by the hormonal winter that devours him while he pulsates away all of his summers - his cherries, his golden tears, liquid healings of solar wounds that rise again at dusk. 

Body, I ask of you, not to be for me what the eagle was for Prometheus: we need not an arrow to free us; we'd be bending the bow each one for the other, and the piercing branch would be for us of constraint; and I, body, have not extinguished the burning in your soul, I who live in its thermal mists, the humid den where life proliferates and crawls. 

And this is the daily measure, the monthly, the annual, of the love that I try to impart, like a discipline, to my cursed one, who yet still rebels against me, like Dantesque vermin, which of Dantesque, however, certainly is missing the guile.

[...]

The body beleaguered, or the body martyr

My body won't obey me, and such has been established. But there is something more, perhaps a sort of confession to make: that also I do not obey its command. I have every right to do so, and of this I am certain, because my strength is the same one that perceives it, and therefore the one that allows it to exist beyond the physical, and in me: that which binds us beyond our mutual rejection. Therefore, I have every right to bandage its illnesses, to shrink its virulent buboes. Its diseases affect me, and I resist them. This much is all that is purely human, since the dawn of time. Similarly to how the malignant dream is incubated in the cradle of the clear mind of the newly risen moon; here we are: I have a tortured, battered body. The chest bears more than one wound, more than one repugnant mark, and more than one such scar. Quite surely, if they had been inflicted upon me by old warriors, I'd be proud of them.

But I know well that each of these comes from an attempt at an act of care, and nowhere else than this; equally well, I know that every attempt at such a useless act of care, especially if final, resolutive, decisive, will be rendered more futile than it already is as time passes by me, administering these temporary treatments to my body; treatments that can regrettably no longer keep it upright. The bandage no longer holds. Oils no longer grease it and alcohol no longer dries it. Glue sticks to my skin like its disease, slowly, abruptly discontinues both heart and mind of mine. Red marks of never-been torture adorn my chest like jewels of a saint's crown. But, alas, the martyr remains a mummy: the ligaments endure no more, except by sheer imposed rigidity; if he could, he'd turn over in his grave, strip himself naked of the bandages, the jewels, and then the withered skins, and die once and for all, as he has never been allowed to do. Perhaps, he'll be remembered by the value of his femur, and when that one as well finally crumbles, an animal bone replaces its holiness. So be it. A beast-body, after all, can only be such.

[gatekeeper-watchman]

Daily Devotionals for December 3, 2023

Proverbs: God's Wisdom for Daily Living

Devotional Scripture:

Proverbs 29:18 (KJV): 18 Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he. Proverbs 29:18 (AMP): 18 Where there is no vision (no redemptive revelation of God), the people perish; but he who keeps the law (of God, which includes that of man) --blessed (happy, fortunate, and enviable) is he.

Thought for the Day

The history of those nations that have had God's light demonstrates the truths of today's proverb. Whenever Israel turned away from God, such as during Samuel's early life, the nation suffered. “… And the word of the LORD was precious in those days; there was no open vision" (1 Samuel 3:1). Judges 21:25 reveals the terrible state of lawlessness and violence into which Israel had fallen when Samuel was a child, for "every man did what was right in his own eyes."

History illustrates that times become very dark when a vision of God's revelation departs. The fall of the Roman Empire in 476 A.D. is generally regarded as the ending of ancient history and commencing Europe's Dark Ages. The Roman Empire had brought peace, prosperity, culture, and learning to Europe. When it fell, illiterate barbarians followed the Romans. Western Europe plunged into political chaos and social disorder. Civilization almost completely disappeared. Illiteracy and ignorance of God's ways governed nobles and peasants alike. Education and literacy were relegated to monasteries. Churchmen preserved the Bible and other books that had been written in Latin before Rome's fall, but records from this period of the “Dark Ages” bear little clarity. The works of the many clerics of this time are inconsistent and show great ignorance because they accept fanciful stories as truth.

Satan strives to keep people in ignorance, and “in the dark.” He has tried many times to destroy Scripture, to prohibit the preaching of the Gospel, and to persecute God's people. When a society turns its back on God and restricts the Gospel, as many nations have done, that nation regresses into violence and immorality. Those opposing the Bible do not realize that they are opposing the very influences that make life pleasant, for God is light, and His light brings revelation, which liberates people. The revelation of Biblical truths and the practice of them always produce an orderly and civilized society and affect all aspects of its culture positively.

True Christians strive to obey God's commandments, not as a means of getting to heaven, but because they desire to honor and please God. Heavenly vision and revelation come to those who know Christ. Without this vision, people perish. "Behold, the days come, saith the LORD GOD, that I will send a famine in the land, not a famine of bread, nor a thirst for water, but of hearing the words of the LORD: And they shall wander from sea to sea, and from the north even to the east, they shall run to and fro to seek the word of the LORD, and shall not find it” (Amos 8:11-12).

Prayer Devotional for the Day

Dear heavenly Father, thank you for giving us Your revelation and vision. I do appreciate the light You give me as I am walking in a dark and fallen world. Lord, fill me with the Holy Spirit so that I will always be filled with Your light and love. Draw those who do not know You, unto that light. Fill my mouth with the right words so that those who do not know You can hear the gospel and come into the knowledge of Your dear Son, Jesus. May I practice good deeds in this life, so that others may see them and thereby bring glory unto You. I ask this in the name of Jesus. Amen. From: Steven P. Miller @ParkermillerQ,  gatekeeperwatchman.org Founder of Gatekeeper-Watchman International Groups, Saturday, December 2, 2023, Jacksonville, Florida., USA.  X ... @ParkermillerQ #GWIG, #GWIN, #GWINGO, #Ephraim1, #IAM, #Sparkermiller, #Eldermiller1981 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/Sparkermiller.JAX.FL.USA

[bluegoblinfox]

"They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn

By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern

And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.

It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can,

And don’t have any kids yourself"

This Be The Verse by Philip Larkin 1971

I am gen x, raised by boomer parents who hit their thirties in the 1980s. In Thatcher's Britain, when women were told they could have it all and the social mobility of the yuppies and suburban snobs were considered the ideal. It was about wanting more than your parents had, giving your kids better than you had and glass ceilings be damned.

The capitalist dream was being wanked over by people up and down the country. Apart from the miners, steel workers and little kids missing their school milk. They were not so pleased about Thatcher's conservative ideals.

I however was far away from steel mills and coal mines. I was in a London overspill town. Where my parents who came from poverty and working class roots were now living in a detached three, soon to be four bed house in a middle class area, taking holidays abroad and making fists full of money with every house move they made.

Around the dining table homophobic, misogynistic, racist talk was casually bounded about when talking about family, politics, sex and religion. My Dad's views were that Thatcher was right to break the backs of unions and to close the mines. A view I'm definitely opposed to now that I live in what was once a pit village.

Back then though I soaked up the "wisdom" that my parents dispensed like a sponge. I internalised the bigotry well and truly.

I was a latch key kid from year 5 occasionally and everyday from year 7. I spent hours alone daily and as the youngest by 7 years much of my weekends were spent either in the company of my parents at their caravan, visiting friends or on my own. This progressed to me being home alone every other weekend, for four or five days at a time by year 10 and then two weeks in the summer also by year 11 and post 16.

I lived a middle classed life of privilege and had everything I physically needed and many luxuries provided. However I was alone often.

My parents were loving but not validating. I was bullied and when I talked to my parents they pointed out I dressed weird and if I dressed like that people were bound to take the piss.

Compared to many others of my generation I had it easy. I was not hit often and was beaten once. The lack of parental interest in my emotional well-being and not being present took its toll on me. This isn't a woe is me. Its just facts. That's how it was.

My parents were not evil, bad or horrible people. They were raised by people who were raised think children were to be seen and not heard, spare the rod and spoil the child etc. My grandparents were taught to put baby outside and too many cuddles would spoil the child and make a rod for your back.

My parents had and have their own trauma to deal with and boomers as a generation are not good at dealing with feelings. Their own especially.

I don't need to vilify my parents to acknowledge that my needs not being acknowledged or met had and continues to have an impact on me. Acknowledging the impact my parents childhood trauma had and has on them doesn't diminish my own suffering.

I forgive my parents because it helps me and benefits me to do so. I can enjoy my relationship with my parents now better that way.

My parents are flawed. As am I. I'm not a perfect parent either. Larkin's poem is fatalistic but it's not a given that man hands all of his misery to man.

Each generation should break some of the cycles of trauma of the past and not add more cycles of violence into the mix.

My parents broke many of the cycles of generational trauma and violence that exist in my family. They enabled me to continue that trend. My children, if they have kids, will do the same.

We can pass on generational hope by talking to the next generation and owning up to our flaws. Encouraging the next generations to do better. Give them the power to pass on hope not just trauma.

Ling and River Ty

[hanzi83]

This Is Hanzi’s Blog In Case You Want to Pretend You Didn’t Know

This is gonna be one of my “random” blogs again to showcase I don’t know how to write anything other than run on sentences, but just to start this out in case any Stern fan who stumbles across this, yes this is Hanzi from Howard Stern’s blog since some of you shit heads over there want to find a way to bring up my blog since it has been going off on the far right, so putting there under the guise of “I am a regular human being who just happened to stumble across this fat mentally ill man’s blog where I am gonna assume he is some whack job” opposed to the “I am a deranged Howard Stern stan who has to spend their days on a fucking message board dedicated to a dead show where we regurgitate the same shitty quotes and if it isn’t that we’re doing revenge porn by leaking out Onlyfans of a wife who is married to a former personality from the show, and since we are unhinged cult who have the system’s protection, we can ruin other people’s lives including this mentally ill Pakistani, who is minding his own business and not talking about this show because he kind of moved on but we haven’t even though aesthetically we look better and have families, we have to avoid talking to our kids because we are too busy pretending Howard Stern is a liberal”. Imagine sitting there daily on a sub reddit dissecting Shuli vs Stuttering John and thinking you are in a better position mentally than me. At least I am honest about my mental illness, while a lot of you who hate me or obsessed with me, are still mentally fucked in your head because you insisted on having the aesthetic of a normal person and you know you are never going to fucking heal. I am prepared to never heal because I know the world I am living in is run by a mentally ill system. Also since a lot of unhinged patriots and feds are running these fandoms, they need a way to talk about my podcast or my blog so they put my stuff out there for far right wing people to target me. I can probably bet some of these people were at the Insurrection. Just my theory, I have no facts since you mother fuckers want to talk about how my blogs and podcasts are manifestos. Are they though? I am monitored. They know I don’t have weapons, they know I am not planning any violence. Can I say the same about some of you in these fucked up fandoms? Maybe you are mad that I am covering shit beyond being the Stern persona who just does a podcast obsessing over the Stern Show backstage shit. Maybe you guys are the ones who are gonna be future fucking manifesto shit heads. I know you guys have tried the last decade to pile on me and push me to the brink of insanity. You have scarred me with so much harassment and propaganda to make me question people in my life, or people I have interaction with. Whoever is okaying these attacks and believe me they are probably organized, I hope nothing but the worst for your mental stability and I hope you have to be haunted by everytime you compromised yourselves and your souls just so you can come across looking normal even though your mental issues are never going to fucking heal. And you hate me for trying to evolve and trying to get away from all of that, but you mother fuckers are stuck on a fucking show that has been dead for the last 15 years or so and you can’t handle it because your every day consists of having to be on that sub reddit talking about this shitty show and you don’t have the capability of actually having your own personality which is why you are angry because when the show used to be in its prime, you guys would take from the show and adopt whatever material they put out and beat it into the fucking ground. Don’t get mad at me and you should be happy that I am mentioning your fucking sub reddit because it is the only time people pay attention to it because there are many people who fucking hate me who will now align with these people just as a united front. Leave me the fuck alone. I don’t talk about you or fuck with any of you and it is clear you will mention me because you have exhausted all your tired bullshit about other personalities. So in case you shit heads stumble upon my podcast and blog, yeah this is Hanzi from the Howard Stern Show. Sorry I didn’t become the terrorist you wanted me to become through your harassment and your hints of what they are planning to do to me. Eat shit. They sense I have not been feeling well mentally lately with the overall direction of where this world is going and since these vultures monitor my every mood and and every movement, they know when to strike and they want me to snap from the harassment that is clearly organized, whether people in my life are organizing it like they always allude to, or whether it is the wrestling heads, or Howard Stern himself, and now the political content creators out there who fucking hate me. They will find a fucking way to get at me now that I am putting out my thoughts but the thing is I am supposed to irrelevant, I am supposed to be someone who doesn’t matter because they have purposefully blackballed me from ever making it out of my fucking situation. They insert people into my life who have helped partake in diminishing me and making me feel like a piece of shit, people who will brag about putting pics of me in their discord group and mention how much I am worth because they know my trajectory before I do, but they have to use me as a guinea pig so now they will hammer home how much help I need but then create situations where I am beaten down mentally where I am given no choice. If that is the fucking case then why don’t you fucking let just die off then. Is it because spiritually you dipshit fundamentalists who pose as atheists are afraid I will haunt you from beyond and you won’t be able to shake me? I will never forgive the people who helped do this to me and that includes people from my past as well, even though they found a way while I was at my fucking lowest to socially climb up and sell their souls to be hanging around people in showbiz and then act like cartoon characters at social gatherings because everyone has to play a parody of a human being. There are barely any fucking human beings anymore Look at the discourse over movies and television shows nowadays, nothing fucking comes off as genuine and internet discourse has never felt more parody than I could ever recall. Maybe some of you who monitor me should move on with your lives and learn how to be good parents but instead of that, you will socially climb up with important people so in case I ever do get vindication, you can align with me so you can then oppose me later on because when you become bigger they will always have people who make a living based off hating on you and people will want to align with that. I don’t need those people in my life. People who get angered if there is some happiness for me and are waiting like vultures to pounce and make you feel like a piece of shit. So people who need me have aligned with people close to me so they can be given permission to treat me like shit and now I can’t get rid of those people from my life and they hate that they couldn’t produce content on my podcast, because if they could then they would give it props but because I do it my way and put in the work I know how with it, despite downplaying it as something I record in my mother’s basement it hurts a lot of you to know that as crazy as I sound, i am coming up with new angles on how to analyze the discourse while a lot of you just become part of the kayfabe and buy into these sports entertainment storylines. Everyone, including people from my past have been so used to me being dumbed down they can’t stomach that I actually try to analyze shit on my own. What makes this blog extra sweet, is that while I am writing this in “private” they are monitoring it before and getting affected by what I am writing but then they are going to read it again when I post it so they can go off on it. Remember a couple of years ago they posted my blog before I even posted it publicly by copying and pasting to show they are monitoring my fucking thoughts. This is the level of shit I am dealing with and people tell me to get help like getting help will help me deal with shitty people who are getting worse mentally. They just are around more elitist types and they are getting worse and they will say they are doing it for their family and kids etc but the irony is that people in your life are eventually going to hate you and will resent you because of how mentally unhinged you are but I guess having protection from the elite will make you feel somewhat better. You can weaponize shit against me and blame me for everything knowing I don’t have a support system or the backup. Now my trolls will either promote this under the guise of “HANZI SNAPPED FEEL BAD FOR HIM HE IS GONNA DO SOMETHING VIOLENT” or maybe I made some valid points in the midst of all this craziness, and now you will ignore it because you can’t promote my shit if isn’t some super violent and big time meltdown that you creeps are craving. Now I will admit, you got to me and you know when you get to me that I start going through the mental playlist embedded in my head of all the times I have taken disrespect from people in my life over the last 20 or so years and envisioning future scenarios where I am confronting people for what they have done. I can be honest about my mental illness and where my fucking mind goes because there are others that go through it and no one wants to articulate how this process works because they are afraid of how it will make them look. People already think the worst of me, so I have no shame in expressing my mental illness and how people can trigger it. At the most people will assume it is all in my head because they are not ready to profit off my story just yet, and they will just enjoy the struggle I have but trust me eventually you will all have to come face to face with your demons and the same system you are socially climbing up to will make you an example and tear you apart mentally and no one is gonna fucking save you just like no one is gonna fucking save me. At least I feel I know the people in charge want all of us to be fucked up. You want to join the part of the system that drives people crazy and you want to get worse yourself and it won’t matter because the nice houses, the nice white picket fence family you have will suffice with the image but it will never be good enough and you know it won’t, especially if you are so invested in trying to destroy my mental illness. So whoever is behind it, I wish the worst for you. I wish the worst for whoever has tried to fucking get me to lose my mind like the last fucking decade plus hasn’t already been bad enough for my mental health, and what makes it worse is the issues I have are just solely blamed on me. I will take blame for shit I have said and how I acted, I always reflect on my existence, so instead of reflecting on what you did and how you acted you rather try to push someone to the edge and hoping they will do something violent and when I don’t go that route, and I write a scathing reply it fucking stinigs your mental even more. So spin this as a manifesto or “HANZI IS GONNA DO SOMETHING CRAZY” do whatever makes you feel good, but I bet when you are away from your group chat where you guys regurgitate shitty jokes about me and others, you will be thinking about the words I wrote and they will seep into your psyche and you will be worried about what consequences you will have to face in a karmic kind of way. 

(One Hour Later)

I know I was kind of on a roll with that last rant, I had to channel some really negative energy for that one and even though I can kind of get good at it, it is not my desired mentality but that is a sample of where my mind goes when I feel people are pushing me and when it accumulates from all my experiences in life, I have venomous thoughts roaming in my fucking head and I can’t control the speed in which all of this is coming from this and I do my best but I really don’t like being this way but I have to vent, and even though people monitor my private thoughts I feel I might as well publish it, it is a gamble whether people like it or not or intrigued by the thought process, because I suspect most people will just consume my stuff to hate on me and make their comments privately about how I am losing my mind and taking joy in it and to know it exists, and quite possibly people you know, it tears at your heartstrings to know I will never have a healthy relationship with people ever again with how the exposition has been about how people have transformed into over the top characters, it doesn’t feel like I really want to anymore and I am better off not being here because it doesn’t feel like there isn’t any hope and when I admit I feel this way, vultures will still take advantage and pounce on you because they have chosen to go more to the right wing side and as much as they complain about being censored and combatting people they oppose with scripted tactics, when someone can kind of truly get at the core of the issue and what they are normalizing they feel triggered but since they are supposed to act like I am not relevant and no one cares about me, they can’t admit they are consuming anything I am putting out because that gives me some kind of credit but they still have to try and lure me into the forefront in front of conservative audiences so they can target someone new and harass them but they can’t officially do that just yet because while they are always listening and watching, they have to keep a low profile since I am making note of any organized harassment that is being put my way. I think they figured a decade ago, by now they would be able to organize enough mental anguish that I would’ve fully broken down but their shit made me stronger mentally and even though they try to fucking shake me up mentally all the time, so this might not seem like the most harassment I have ever dealt with, but whenever they try to start something a little, it then gets me to react aggressively mentally to the entire attempt because I won’t let them fuck do this shit to me again and if I have to irrationally tweet through it, or podcast about it or blog about it etc, then so fucking be it. I already accepted I am not a fucking cool person. I am turning 40 in a week or so, I am never going to fucking want to be cool nor do I even know how at this point. So yes while these blogs are embarrassing on many levels, I will still put them out as long as I am still living and I don’t even know why I am at this point. I have been ready to check out the last 20 years and “fame” just kind of sidetracked the entire thing. I knew once the mental illness became an on surface factor and I didn’t know how I was gonna be able to handle it because I could never talk to anyone about this because most people would use it to their advantage to manipulate and it hurts to know people who were supposed to be close would do horrible shit that they will never cop to, but I knew once that came into play with my life, I knew I was never going to be normal and especially around people who couldn’t admit their mental illness or their own insecurities and they would become shitty people who pretended to be there for you but were using your name to run through the fucking mud and these people get looked at as these great community and thought leaders in this world and how many people do that to other people they can use as a guinea pig and use them to be disposable. People will come out and pretend they are a fighter of the people but then at some point they find their billionaire they will compromise themselves for and it is the same fucking story. Why would I want to become that? I was originally intending on writing more about some current topics, but maybe I should just keep it like this. Do you really need another long winded blog about why TYT are complete and utter shit and are becoming increasingly scarier with their soulless takes and their insistence on doubling down as the official progressive while they are looking for big time paydays which they know they will get. I want to just end this blog because this is what consumed me even though I was going to go over some shit that is in the discourse. Now I am going through this process. I am jotting down my live thoughts on whether or not to keep this mediocre shit going like the rants haven’t been crazy enough for some people, but then again maybe people shouldn’t consume the work of an irrelevant person. Maybe it is a you problem and not a me problem. 

I won’t try to go into a long diatribe or I will try not to. I start a new paragraph and make the thoughts fresher but normally it starts going downhill by the time the third paragraph starts at an odd place. I just think this world has increasingly become the entertainment we have manifested, I can kind of predict where some shit will go like the sports entertainment of presenting politicians for having words “behind the scenes” which is online behind the scenes, like it is technically taking place off camera, but we know about it but they sell it like we are not supposed to know about it, because if we were not supposed to know about it, it wouldn’t be out in the public sphere for our consumption but Swalwell and and McCarthy’s latest spout where we have grown men who are powerful calling each other pussies, and threatening to kick their asses. I am gonna predict that this is planting seeds for an eventual physical altercation. If America is like WWE, and other countries are territories or represent other companies etc, then when you have been showing us throughout the years of other countries government meetings etc ending in physical altercations then eventually WWE adopts it to happen in their company so you know eventually things that are happening in other countries, will eventually make its way to the US and then in true fashion, down the line Canada will get it eventually like it is getting MTV Canada in 2002 where it was mostly snowboarding videos and replays of Jackass. So eventually we are getting violence in one of these congressional hearings or committee hearings. It is already a shit show, it is like they promote this shit as big time matches. Suddenly RFK video leaks out about bioweapons with some racist twist and somehow it was a “private” conversation at a dinner and I am such a wrestling fan, all I see is the starting promo to start a storyline and then the hearing of him sparring with other members in congress was the big time Monday Night Raw match. This is how I view it. The whole RFK nonsense is one of the most forced pushes, right now where people online think their internet cred is so fucking genuine that if they hammer home how much the establishment hating RFK, they think it will be true and it has never felt so much like a parody and at least 10-20 years ago it came off more genuine even though it is always kind of been sports entertainment even if it symbolized evil or good. Like Sinead O’Connor knowing her career was gonna drop off and she went out like a G with ripping up the pope’s picture and the people who the mainstream supported like Madonna and Pesci coming off like baby faces back then because they could convince people that Sinead was the one out of line, but now that we are more socially conscious or at least we think so, now Sinead is the biggest babyface while Pesci and Madonna are the heels, and I am sure since cancelation is designed and scripted to happen, I am sure this is where we find out Pesci has some shadiness that he has done that will get marketed for the online entertainment dollar. Everything is for the entertainment dollar, we are now doing news stories about rappers' numbers dropping from their live streams because it is levitated with comedy. This is how gimmicked a lot of the shit is. There is also this continuation of using celebs, who are not like regular people or play by regular rules, who get used as cogs so it helps manufacture consent to basically push back on anything progressive in this world so we go back to the stone ages mentally. This is why this sports entertainment is leading to dangerous places all over the fucking board. I know this feels like I am jumping from thought to thought but I just look at shit in an overall pattern and the design of what is being normalized until we move onto whatever the next phase is, like putting out limited hangout UFO discussion where they are making it seem like this is the distraction from whatever story you are using. Like “OH MY GOD CNN’S FRONT PAGE IS NOT TALKING ABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE BUT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT KEVIN SPACEY, THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT KEVIN SPACEY BECAUSE THEY DON’T WANT YOU TO TALK ABOUT HUNTER BIDEN, THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT HUNTER BIDEN BECAUSE THEY DON’T WANT YOU TO TALK ABOUT UFOS OR EPSTEINS’ CLIENT LIST” Even though everyone online is talking about all the fucking topics, there all right there. What is with this need to act like the legacy media that exists at this point just for their name, to constantly be used so people who made their entire personality “MSM won’t be talking about this” have to constantly use to show their takes are credible even though they also limit the fucking narratives themselves. All of this shit is being talked about, you can’t brag about how Joe Rogan and Tucker get all these fucking views and downloads over CNN or other establishment media, and then claim your opinion and narratives are what the system don’t want you to know about. I have been hearing about fucking Hunter Biden since 2019. It has been everywhere. I don’t even watch MSM unless it is something some of these alt media dorks want to fucking dunk on, and it comes off like any fucking promotion outside WWE wants to take a shot at the obvious and transparent villains. I think the UFO shit is gimmicked, like I believe aliens and other humans have been traveling from planet to planet for a while now. I feel like certain powerful people have been heading out for the last decade especially. I think these hearings are gonna be planting the narratives that something is gonna be organized to happen because pretty soon we are gonna have a situation where the world completely implodes. See this is a case of the blog going too long and I am going into my theories about advancements being in public figures and the potential of clones existing. That Mitch McConnell shit, I don’t know if it a clone malfunctioning or his MK Ultra acting up but they have been compiling those for a while back in the 2010’s. One of the bigger examples back then was the one with Al Roker where he completely froze out of nowhere. Maybe they are marketing that too, and maybe all these celebs are now fucking with us because it represents some craziness is gonna be revealed and what could possibly be fucking crazy in this era when we have seen it all, I mean the super natural and advanced shit has to be next, they already took scandals that used to be big blows to people’s lives and careers and have made it feel useless even though those are still horrible offense, but it is like they took all those over the years and are making it so meaningless they dumped it all in one storyline with George Santos. So what could possibly be next? Politicians having physical altercations, finding out people are faking their death, finding out they are cloning people, finding out aliens have always existed. They will use entertainment to put those themes out and then expect us not to fucking go there mentally while people who think they are smarter get to look down at people for being more conspiratorial. I know there are people who go more right wing with their theories but I use my conspiratorial mind to get me in progressive headspace, like fear mongering about retail theft being organized but using a foreign boogeyman organizing this and still wanting more punishment for the cogs, when you could maybe kind of theorize that maybe billionaires and these company owners are organizing chaos because it is like an ironic advertisement on social media while also manufacturing consent for people to be scared about this crime and theft going on and I personally feel it is organized by very right wing people to make it look like the thoughts of asking for police defunding seems like a scary thing even though most cities have increased funding for police etc. Maybe people with power have investment in organizing and funding crime and if that was the case, wouldn’t you want more exposition on who is doing it since they are the ones causing all of this? Why would you want most of the punishment on the cogs? There seems to be faction warfare and bad faith actors will blindly be against certain institutions blindly and not look at how there are factions of people who are not all on the same side because it feels like the billionaires funding shit want their enemies gone but under the guise of “all cops are evil” you can do it during this time because of the transparent shit they are doing on camera. Like people want to get conspiratorial about Obama’s cook, who they suddenly have videos of swimming and he drowned in shallow water etc, and the obvious shit would be that Obamas are covering shit and if they legit wanted covered up, we would not know about any of it so the fact that it is there, it feels like it is supposed to exist for a true crime exercise from these far right wing people. I could buy that powerful people are living in a mafia underworld where there is fucked up shit going on, but people then limit the possibilities, like yeah maybe Obamas are covering something but I could also then theorize that if there is faction warfare going on, who is to say that people who they are opposing tried to strike at them and they ended up getting the cook, or how about if the cook was a plant who tried to go at them and they defended themselves by self defense. Now I am not saying any of these theories are fucking true but if you are going to be a conspiracy theorist, why is it so fucking limited. See I think these people are not living regular lives, and I feel on some level it is more like the “The Boys” minus all the super hero presentation, kind of like a Sopranos delegation setting. And people think by acting like Clintongs having a body count that no one else on their side could ever have a body count. If someone who was a cook for Trump had died in a pool, I bet they would already talk about how Biden had Trump’s cook killed or some shit. Again I am not saying these theories are true, but it is amazing how obvious all of this is becoming for the discourse. Just like all these fucking stories of athletes having some physical shit happena and it predictably gets blamed on the vaccine. Now if you go by my theory that these athletes are taking some enhancements or they are a lot more advanced than regular human beings, maybe some malfunctioning is going on and the right wing is marketing it as more vaccine problems. I feel these celebs have connections to the cures and best medicine so maybe they don’t need a vaccine themselves but their whole anti vaccine stance to relate to regular people is a way to get regular people not to want to take the vaccine because something more dangerous is gonna come around for the next pandemic, and this has helped kind of as a trial run for for the worst to come because when the worst comes, people are not gonna want to get vaccinated. I know if you are smart and know the science and can understand, I will take my dumbed down ass and come up with a conspiracy to see the anti vaccine propaganda, I think whatever social media currency or money under the table they are getting is a lot more than getting to go on a highly platformed person like Tucker Carlson to kind of talk about how much money you turned down because of not taking the vaccine. Okay sure, but tell me how much you are getting for this gimmick change. For some reason because it is consumed online it means that it is the 90’s and this must be underground shit going on. Anyways listen I am all over the fucking place. I should stop now but with this strike going on and AI writing most of the television and movies, the entertainment is gonna be on another level with social media and the celebs doing shit on there and also with the politicians. We have basically are living in a fucking LARP society now and like I have always said, it would be entertaining if it wasn’t so tragic because people’s lives are on the line, more people will continue to be oppressed and it all gets determined by sports entertainment personas because we live in a exploitative society. Anyways, anything I have said in this blog etc I don’t know for sure. Go listen to experts, I am not one obviously. Look at me. I have the aesthetic of all the bad things you expect from someone. This is just mentally ill drivel. I have to put it down because I have to beat my haters to the fucking punch, even though they will try something else. As crazy as anything I have said in this fucking blog or say on my podcast, it will always be more compelling than anything on the Stern Show sub reddit. Go ahead and give me your gripping analysis on the layers of the Shuli vs Stuttering John feud.

[dailyaudiobible]

06/27/2023 DAB Transcript

2 Kings 10:32-12:21, Acts 18:1-22, Psalms 145:1-21, Proverbs 18:1

Today is the 27th day of June welcome to the Daily Audio Bible I am Brian and it is wonderful to be here with you today as we gather around the Global Campfire and find a place and get cozy and allow the Scriptures to come into our lives. And we will do what we always do. We’ll go back to the place where we left off. That happens to be second Kings right now. And, so, we’re picking up the story from there. Second Kings chapter 10 verse 32 through 12 verse 21 today.

Commentary:

Okay. So, in the book of Acts we are continuing along with Paul on his second missionary journey and we have noticed that wherever he goes, wherever this message is shared hearts are open, people realize and acknowledge the truth and enter into a new way of life. But also there are those who are viciously and in many cases violently opposed to what Paul is teaching. And we've experienced a number of different places that they traveled and spoke. So, we have all these little snapshots. And, so, we’ve watched Paul adapt to where he's at and who he’s talking to and how their hearts are. Like his whole focuses upon a person to introduce a person to Jesus, not to convince a person to buy some sort of snake oil that he's talking. He's a truly, truly, deeply wanting people to know Jesus and this is viciously opposed as a false teaching. And many many Jewish people considered Paul heretic at this point, an apostate worthy of death that he needed to be killed. So, here's the deal. Like, wh we know the gospel story of Jesus. We know about His death and resurrection, and then we know that the church kind of grew up after that. And a lot of times we have this idea that the power of the Holy Spirit in the book of Acts, like this was such a magical time, such a serene time of the gospel going forth and just becoming plentiful and accepted throughout the earth. I regularly hear the sentiment, “boy I wish we could experience the book of Acts. I wish we could go back to the book of Acts, to experience the early church again.” And so often that sentiment is attached to the idea that it was an easier time. I'm just pointing out we’re reading about that time from the Scriptures themselves and as I read each day as we take another step or through the book of Acts that's not what I'm seeing. I’m seeing that light is going into the darkness and the darkness does not want to be exposed and so fights against the light. This same thing was happening with Jesus. Jesus was revealing a kingdom that is available and is now and is happening but to reveal a kingdom that is going to overthrow…like the kingdom of light overthrowing the kingdom of darkness is not gonna happen without the disruption and unrest of one kingdom overthrowing another one. So, we have the snapshot today. Paul is in Corinth speaking, teaching pleading, trying to reveal Jesus day after day after day. And day after day enters into debate and receives opposition, receives insult, and eventually shakes off his clothes. He’s like look, I've done what I’ve…I’ve done my best. Your blood is on your own head. I came to tell you the truth. I'm innocent. I’m gonna go to the Gentiles. And the irony in this snapshot is that for Paul to leave the synagogue and go to the Gentiles is simply for Paul to go to the building next door where he continues to teach Jew and Gentile alike. And, so, let's just observe, this…this was difficult work. This was dangerous work. It was tireless and often thankless work. It was not easy, and it didn't happen in some sort of measurable progressive way. It was in fits and starts. It was messy. It was met with vicious opposition and like we were saying just a minute ago sometimes violence. Let's remember that we’re in the same era. It's the same kingdom of light and kingdom of dark. And when we are engaging with the good news and offering Jesus then we are at the tip of that spear. Paul had all kinds of reasons to be discouraged. I mean, I read through the book of Acts and I’m like, this guy is…is definitely resolved. He is very very committed to this mission. He is committed to die for it if he needs to and you can see that because he has every opportunity to get discouraged. And sometimes we feel that way too. We have every reason to be discouraged. But even in those circumstances, we are given comfort. Even in today's reading. Paul receives word from the Lord. And God says to him, don't be afraid. Don't be silent. Speak out. I am with you. No one will attack and harm you. There are many people in this city that belong to me. Let's remember that we are certainly reading of the apostle Paul, and we should appreciate what we are reading. But let's also realize that he's a brother. He didn't have anything that we don't have. He's doing exactly what we’re supposed to be doing. He’s an example for us.

Prayer:

Holy Spirit come into that we pray. We want things to go well for us and we pray for Your blessing and You want things to go well for us and You offer Your blessing and You care and protect us but there are also times where You are inviting us to reveal in the darkness the light and that causes all kinds of disruption. And sometimes we shy away from that or misinterpret that. We invite Your Holy Spirit into that as we continue to obey You, that You would continue to interpret for us what's going on and what we are a part of so that we don't lose the plot, so that we don't get discouraged and lost, so that we can hear the same words that Paul needed to hear – “don't be afraid to speak out. Don't be silent. I'm with You. I will protect You. No one will harm You. There are many people here who belong to me.” May we remember this we ask in the name of Jesus. Amen.

Announcements:

dailyaudiobible.com, that is the home base and that is where you can find out what is going on around here. The Daily Audio Bible app puts that right in…right in your hand. It puts it, or it makes it very convenient. So, check that out.

And we do have something coming up around here. The seventh of July, which is a week from this Friday. And this Friday is the last day of June, but the following Friday is the seventh day of July, and the seventh day of July is our own little Global Campfire holiday. It’s a holiday for us who are taking this journey through the Bible and it’s something that we have been doing for 16 years. I think that was the number we counted up. 16 years we've been doing this seventh day of July, the long walk. And, so, essentially what we’ve got going on here is where a community, we come together around the Global Campfire every day but we’re all over the earth. And, so, we can't just all gather together in one place and go for a long walk together, although that would be fun but it would be very very different than what we’re talking about. This is a day that we do together, but we do individually. So, it's a day that we kind of square off on the calendar and say that day belongs to my heart. That day belongs to the Lord. That day I'm going for a long walk with God. That's a day that I'm not gonna be rushed. That's a day that I'm not gonna get pulled in a thousand directions. That’s a day that I'm not going to go home after work or whatever and just be wound up in anxiety and how this is all gonna to work out and everybody's fighting and it's just World War III. That's not going to be that day. That day belongs to my heart. That day belongs to God. And all you have to do to participate is sort of make that declaration and make it so. Go somewhere beautiful whether you get in your car and you drive for a couple of hours to a very very meaningful place that's very beautiful and symbolic to you or whether you go down to the nearest park, sit on a bench, listen to the children, listen to the birds, become familiar with the fact that you are embodied in your skin and are on this earth as a gift and it is here to restore and heal us. It is here, at its own pace. And we realize pretty quickly that our pace is not the pace of nature, that we have created a whole new nature at its frantic. But consider the lilies, listen to the birds, slow down for a second and don't make your prayers these desperate pleas before you fall asleep. Say everything you’ve gotta say because you don't have any time constraints. You can say everything you need to say. And they'll be time left believe it or not. Lots of time to listen. And you can listen to the birds, you can listen to the leaves as the wind blows through, you can listen to the whisper of the grass and become very very aware that there is a lot of life that is happening all around us all of the time and we aren't even paying attention, like literally paying attention to things that aren't alive. And, so, that is the long walk and we’ll be talking about this as we move toward it. But I’m trying at make a case to square off a day in the middle of the year. As you get ready to go into the second half of the year. We’ve made it here. We’re halfway through. And we’ve limped our way and fought our way and the grace has brought us here. What is the next half of the year supposed to look like? That's what we do, is go and spend the day with God re-familiarizing ourselves with our own hearts and the fact that the only thing God wants is us not our productivity. And what makes this a community experience is that we are doing this together individually all over the world. We’re taking long walks. We’re going out into nature. We’re slowing down. We’re regrouping. We’re allowing the second half of the year to emerge in our mindset and we’re inviting Jesus to show us the way that we should go. And while you're out there wherever it is that you go, certainly don't stay stuck to your technology. But maybe you want to take a picture, remember your day. Maybe you want to take a little video to remember your day or to remember something that you felt like the Holy Spirit was…was whispering to you. And then we put a post on our Facebook page, which is facebook.com/dailyaudiobible. We put a post there for the long walk and…and invite everybody…like here…post…post your pictures, post your stories inside this post. Post…like respond to this post with your pictures and stuff. And all the sudden we have these windows…and I have love this part of the year…like I love this. All of a sudden windows open and we’re looking at the same day all over the world with our brothers and sisters who are on this journey together. And, so, that is the long walk. Make plans for that next Friday the seventh of July. I am eager. I am looking forward to it myself. But make plans for that. That is what is coming up.

If you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible thank you humbly. We couldn't...we couldn't be here if we were not in this together. And, so, thank you humbly for your partnership. There is a link on the homepage at dailyaudiobible.com. If you’re using the app, you can press the Give button in the upper right-hand corner, or the mailing address is PO Box 1996 Spring Hill Tennessee 37174.

And, as always, if you have a prayer request or encouragement, you can hit the Hotline button in the app or you can dial 877-942-4253.

And that's it for today. I am Brian I love you and I will be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer and Praise:

It's it's eyes of a dove. Oh my goodness my son ryland i don't even know where to begin it's been of my oh my kids the hardest for me emotionally. Every area that i could fear as a parent aside from him doing drugs or getting a girl pregnant is being attacked by the enemy. So came back from the honeymoon and instead of being in his room doing his homework unbeknownst to the nanny he was at the neighbors house who is an elderly gal that has that drinking problem and she was inappropriate with him. Or at least that's what he claims. She went and took a polygraph test and passed with flying colors and that leaves me with a choice to do a $500 polygraph on my son for an 8590% chance period thing is is we're keeping our son away from her. I've i've spoken with a therapist and my legal counsel just to making sure I'm doing everything correctly for my son and right now we are focusing on therapy for him and not really worried about one way or the other just because it's really hard to tell what he's telling the truth. He really needs to turn his heart over to the Lord in a in a big way not in a mediocre way. And now tonight I get a call four days before the end of the school year my son spent deceitful again not telling me the truth about his homework. 45 missing assignments. I mean we've been struggling all year to get caught up and now three of his major classes he's failing. One he can't recover. I don't know if he asked to retake 9th grade and i absolutely lost it. You wouldn't even recognize your eyes of dove. I'm ashamed of myself. I'm frustrated i'm scared things are hard.

Hey this is Micah and oh in Kansas City MO area. Today instead of addressing the person by name I'm going to address an issue that's that we could all relate to. It's the I want or I feel mentality right? So there's many things that we can want and feel that are very good like our want for my brother to have success. I want to for the world to see healing and for god to pour out his holy spirit. Many fields and lots that are good but then there are sun that lead to sin. Like i want to be with another woman right? I feel like this marriage was an accident and that I made. Like i want to feel something different so i'm going to experiment with drugs or alcohol. You know so many of them that we can and these these are i mean we're going through hard times right now right i mean everyone's kind of struggling so these wants and feels they begin to look really nice. These are nothing more than temptation right? And we can coerce ourself into them by saying well why not. Like I'm already struggling. Life is going really bad period like I gotta feel something right? So I just want to challenge us all here the scriptures say that we're not supposed to lean on our own understanding that we're supposed to trust God. We're supposed to resist generation. Supposed to stand firm against the tricks of the enemy. There's scripture that says to follow the holy spirit guidance to listen for that to look for that to pray for that and scriptures romans 6 ephesians 515 through 18 and first Peter 5-6 through 11. I love you guys. Hang in there and check the scriptures.

Hi Lance in Atlanta this is radiant Rachel I want to pray for you. I can relate to an extent. My ex-husband before we separated encourage me to have an emotional real relationship with with someone else because he was doing his own thing. And you know i didn't know that but i didn't you know I just thought I was needy or like he just basically said he couldn't meet what you know what my needs were. So he wanted somebody to be you know he wanted my needs to be met. Anyway so yeah I I did some of that and you know I struggled with it and prayed about it. It wasn't really walking with the Lord of the time but I knew I knew who God was I knew that that wasn't the way we should live. There was a religious spirit over me where you know i was made my bed and was kind of sleep in it and all of that so anyway I just lift you up today and I just pray for healing and restoration over your family over your marriage over lances marriage Lord just calm and bless them. Restore them soften their hearts bring them the support they need give them you know send them to godly counsel and just exposure of of you and your love that will will help them to pick up the pieces of their marriage and put it back together...

Father God we lift up Ernie and we lift up Lawrence of Atlanta. We lift up their marriages God. We lift up their hearts for being men of God who love you and the marriage that you have blessed them with God. God we lift up from mercy and the grace that they need to hear you and to seek you God. I pray right now god that you would create in them a clean heart and renewing them a right spirit god that they would think about the damage and the destruction and the devastation that happens to children and to families when marriages fall apart. I pray right now father God that they would give him the press every day seeking your face and calling on your name and laying out prostate before you God until they literally God they literally would feel their hearts turn towards you God and they lay prostrate God that they would feel you enter into their situation God and till the strongholds are broken father and their hearts open for their lives and their hearts open for holiness and sanctification and that your light would shine through them and they would be a testimony and an instrument of vessel of righteousness to be used in your hand for men and women everywhere like give up on marriage period we love you God. We lift up Nicole God we lift up that tumor God where the avocado sized or golf ball sized God that you would heal deliver and set free and bless her family God for support surround and encourage her period in Jesus mighty name and through his blood we pray. Amen. This is Donovan new day love you dad family.

Hey DVD audio Bible family it's blessings flow in Pennsylvania. Just want to lift up Lawrence in Atlanta who called about prayers for his marriage and the emotional relationship with a colleague. Lawrence we love you. So proud of you for calling in recognizing even the fact that you called is God's work in your life and also recognizing your respect and love and admiration like I have for this community knowing that you wouldn't be judged if you called them but that you'd have family and God to pray for you. So Lord we just thank you for Lawrence. God sometimes we must pray that we would want to want you. So Lord I just ask that you would give him grace to want to want more of you. It sounds like he does in his marriage god where he feels his heart is heartened towards his reconciliation god. We just pray you tear down those walls in the name of jesus. We know that feelings are fickle and that situations change but you remain the same. Lord you're a God of breakthrough. We just pray for breakthrough for Lawrence in the name of Jesus that you would shatter and tear down all lies God that you would bring healing period we pray that you would restore trust God that you would give fortitude and grace God for the long haul in the name of Jesus that you were even just revived those bombs that him and his wife spoke on their wedding day. A lot has taken place then oh god but we just pray that you breathe on them. Thank you for every budding virtue thank you for the grace even just to call and to ask for prayer in Jesus name we pray. And we bless him and bless this community. Amen.

[washackedbyposers]

Refuse, Health, and Diplomacy

People of Earth, That was a lovely boot camp this morning. Did y'all find what you were looking for? Thank you for visiting The Inferno and noting that I am quite efficient when it comes to picking up roadside refuse and not particularly compulsive about sorting it out, as long as it gets into the garbage or, if appropriate, the recyling. LOL. I used put the pressure on to "remember what we have learned". The Bibles reflect a very long era of warfare on Earth and include brilliant solutions and riveting history along with much that instigates turmoil and conflation; diligence in study and modern application to daily life improves one's ability to communicate within a historical perspective. Understandng the bases of myths and allegories and unraveling the conflations leave one less prone to jumping to conclusions and other error. As they are edited as a living work, The Bibles help us avoid making the same mistakes as our ancestors and help us prevent future conflicts through modeling peaceful outcomes to semi-syclical conficts with pens rather than swords. At the moment, I again have no known enemies on Earth, which is only notable in that I have been widely identified as The King of Earth AND Satan AND at peace with God for some long years. Thus, there really should no be war any more. In fact, I FORBID war and violence and forcefulness of all kinds. We are so much more civilized than all that--no matter who you are--TALK or WRITE it out, family. I see many reflections of people's improving health and our improving society. Our corrections of the medical systems are sinking in, although the popular media and literature delay somewhat in underlining the basics. Becoming positively engaged on one's work and local community, taking pride in our work, and much more walking and jogging and other exercise (as opposed to driving) makes life, stress levels, cognition, and health and longevity FAR more manageable. Working, contributing, and accomplishing good tasks is SOO important to one's sense of well-being in our social species, and I'm proud to see people valuing their work without the rat-race competition of the past. I suppose I salute a lot; I assume y'all know that this is out of respect for the flag, the soldiers, and the workers. I still don't see people staring straight into the sun much (I know, y'all are busy), so I worry that the importance of this technique (brief glances at first!) for improving eye, mood, and spine health has been swept under the rug tin an effort to promote more expensive and less healhy remedies. Picking up trash on the roadside helps built tolerance to toxins and immunity to sickness. :-) They say on the albeit oft-discredited sound system that i am the healthiest person on Earth, since I recovered from a vicious "Coronvirus" flu in 10 hours and can jog around the entire perimeter of Arcata or back from McKinleville Airport or around the whole North Humboldt Bay non-stop in a few hours, etc. Most medications can be taken at low levels; coffee is the only one that I do NOT recommend AGAINST in large quantities. Chocolate is SOOO good for the brain but not great on the bowels, Prunes and burritos and coffee help if your health is, e.g., threatened by human traffickers verbally abusing you on the toilet in in hopes that you will die of toxic shock syndrome induced by constipation. Just a reminder. Bless y'all. Thank you, troops, for teaching me so much about health and resilience. --Albert Theodore (Tristan) McKee, 841 Bayside Road, # 16, Arcata, CA, 95521. email: oldmansaturn@aol.com

[seekfirst-community]

“Christ, has dominion over all creatures, a dominion not seized by violence nor usurped but His,

by essence and by nature.”

(St Cyril of Alexandria, Bishop and Doctor of the Church).

"The rulers sneered at Jesus and said, “He saved others, let him save himself if he is the chosen one, the Christ of God.”

"Even the soldiers jeered at him. As they approached to offer him wine they called out, “If you are King of the Jews, save yourself.”

"Above him there was an inscription that read, “This is the King of the Jews.”

"Now one of the criminals hanging there reviled Jesus, saying, “Are you not the Christ? Save yourself and us.” The other, however, rebuking him, said in reply, “Have you no fear of God, for you are subject to the same condemnation? And indeed, we have been condemned justly, for the sentence we received corresponds to our crimes, but this man has done nothing criminal.”

"Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.” He replied to him, “Amen, I say to you, today you will be with me in Paradise.” (Luke 23: 35 - 43).

Sunday November 20th 2022 is the Solemnity of Jesus Christ King of the Universe.

Our God and Father anointed our Lord Jesus Christ, with the oil of gladness as eternal Priest and King of all creation. (Preface of the Mass)

Jesus said to Pilate: “You say I am a king. For this I was born and for this I came into the world, to testify to the truth. Everyone who belongs to the truth listens to my voice.”

Pilate was puzzled about the meaning of truth. The Truth was standing before Pilate. Jesus Christ Himself. He is the Ruler of an eternal and universal kingdom,

a kingdom of truth and life,

a kingdom of holiness and grace,

a kingdom of justice, love and peace.

Jesus proclaimed that the truth shall make you free. Where there is truth, there is freedom. Freedom is opposed to slavery as falsehood is opposed to truth.

How do we become truly free and enjoy this heritage of the children of God? Does Christ the King have absolute dominion over your life? Does Jesus reign over your family, health, money, job, etc? It may seem risky and even foolish to surrender everything to Jesus. Pope St John Paul II preaches again and again: "Do not be afraid. Open the door fully to Jesus."

How do I know that this is safe and trustworthy? Simple. Look at the Communion of the Saints. The billions of people who have trusted Jesus with their lives. They are now in Heaven and they are all praying for us and urging us to trust Jesus as they did.

Let us trust Jesus who loves us and has freed us from our sins by his blood, who has made us into a kingdom, priests for his God and Father, to him be glory and power forever and ever. Amen. (Cf Revelation 1:5-8).

"The riches of My kingdom are for all whom I have redeemed with My own Blood, but it pleases Me to bestow them through My Mother, the Queen and Mediatrix who stood at the foot of My Cross, offering Me and offering herself with Me. Today she reigns with Me in paradise. All that I won for souls from My Father on the altar of the Cross, with My Mother at My side, I will now pour out on souls through her Heart and through her hands. This, too, is the secret of a fruitful priesthood. In every priestly act and in all of life, place your hands in the hands of My Mother and your heart in her Heart." (IN SINU JESU, Tuesday, January 8, 2008).

Daily Bible Verse @ Seekfirstcommunity.com

[theothin]

I began by saying that this is a war without opposing sides. Israel is not actually trying to defeat the resistance; it has no political objectives, just violence. But the same goes for the resistance: they are not, in fact, doing anything to meaningfully resist. Think about what actually happens in Hedges’ story. The Israeli soldiers call through their loudspeakers for the Palestinians to come, come and be killed—and the Palestinians obediently show up. Their resistance is indistinguishable from following orders. The Israeli state wants a certain level of violence from the Palestinians, it actively courts it, and the resistance factions keep doing exactly as they’re told. They teach Palestinian children that the best thing they could do with their lives is lose them. This is not a very healthy attitude, but when you start up your bullshit about the glorious resistance you are part of that sickness. What would actual resistance look like? Maybe it would start with not handing over your life to the enemy. Not climbing up the dunes. In saying all this, I’m obviously breaking one of the biggest taboos on the left, which is that you must not presume to tell Palestinians how to go about their resistance. I might have spent time in Palestine, but I’m not Palestinian. I’m not subjected to the daily nightmare of occupation. Who am I to start preaching? My only reply is this: if the armed resistance factions were resisting sanely and effectively, this kind of taboo wouldn’t need to exist. If there were a better argument for their actions than don’t criticise the victims, you’d be making that one instead. But there isn’t, so you can’t. It’s not a coincidence that the exact same rhetoric is deployed by Israel and its apologists: yes, we’re committing hideous atrocities, but how dare you notice? Who are you to say anything to us? Whoever’s saying it, the fact remains that there is no military path to a free Palestine. This fact is inconvenient and unfair and doesn’t leave much room for the optimism of the will, but that doesn’t make it any less true, and if you think there’s an exemption from unfair truths that’s awarded to especially just causes then you are wrong. Israel has nuclear weapons: it will not be overthrown with small arms and explosives. I don’t think I have the right to condemn violent resistance altogether—but I can reject violent resistance that’s doomed to fail, that achieves nothing and produces nothing except violence for its own sake.

Reposting a very good article from 81k since he doesn't want to deal with discourse on his version

Two quibbles -

1. I think Kriss gets a little caught up in his own frustrations with Jewish identity, in a way that feels a bit shaky compared to the rest of his argument. That aspect of the article feels more personal than analytical to me.

2. There are a few statements here about the lack of impact of the war that seem directionally correct but technically false - at first glance, Hamas actions have successfully derailed Israeli-Arab normalization and mobilized a fair amount of international sentiment against Israel. This doesn't change the correctness of Kriss' conclusions, imo.