#i am not letting him go on tumblr dot com. he is not allowed on tumblr dot com.

[winds-of-zephyr416]

My dad just asked me where I post all of my art. My guy, no. No, no no no no no. You don't understand.

You do NOT want to see my tumblr man. I don't even draw NSFW I just don't wanna explain what angbang is to my very christian 49 year old father 😭😭😭

[winderlylandchime]

I was watching 1x22 as one does when they want to feel all the feelings and it made me think about some stuff. And now I need second opinions because I am going a bit insane. I had this thought after watching Brian absolutely lose it which is: how would it go if Justin didn’t get bashed? I mean it’s no secret that they shared something beautiful on that dance floor and they both knew that and then in the garage as well. Even Brian knew that no matter how he’d deny it. So I keep thinking what would’ve season 2 looked like if the bashing didn’t happen, how would Britin be and more importantly what would Brian be like? Because obviously the bashing was a big reason why we got the s2 we did and that included Brian finally coming to somewhat terms that he loves Justin. But I can’t stop wondering what would’ve happened otherwise. And this message might’ve been triggered a little bit by the thought that Justin never remembered their dance :(

Hello dear sweet anon!

"watching 1x22 as one does when they want to feel all the feelings" Truthier words have never been typed.

I think this is a fantastic question and I think it truly should be a fic (THAT SOMEONE ELSE WRITES MY LIST OF IDEAS IS TOO LONG) because I cannot do it justice in a response here on tumblr dot com.

I will try, of course.

I think a few things are true:

Brian lost out on his dream to move to NYC and big the next big new thing to someone younger than he is. (Me in my 40s thinking about someone who has just turned 30 losing out on a role that benefits from having experience to someone even younger is rolling my eyes, but sure QAF, we'll believe it.) So he's stuck in Pittsburgh.

Michael, his best friend and doting admirer has gotten his own life and is moving across the country. Yes, his relationship with David was toxic AF but that's neither here nor there. This is also set in 2000 when staying in touch meant email that you checked maybe once a day and phone calls. Michael, for all the fandom feelings about him, sees Brian in one particular way, a way that has not changed since they were 18. Michael is not the only culprit of this (HELLO LINDSAY WHAT'S UP?) but he is the major one, the one that Brian cares about the most.

Justin, this kid who has wormed his way into Brian's life and who sees, really sees, Brian for who he is and challenges him and is his equal in many ways, wants him.

So Brian, probably against his better judgment goes to this kid's prom, dances him around the dance floor and kisses him in front of everyone. Then they have this moment in the garage (that pause and eye contact before they kiss happily lives rent free in my mind). And it means something. Mr. Brian "acts of service and physical touch" Kinney is communicating something very loudly and clearly here. And pre-disabled Justin sees it and understands it. And if we know anything about Justin, he will not let it go. Ever.

I think without the bashing, Justin would have continued to live at Debbie's. I think he would have gone to PIFA and Brian would have paid for his tuition when Craig Craig'd it all up. I think there would have been less push back about accepting Brian's help because that would be the only help Justin would have needed (instead of: overcoming PTSD, living together, giving him the computer, etc.). I think they would have slowly started to date in a more traditional sense. Nothing dramatic but meeting up for lunch if Justin didn't have afternoon classes, getting dinner together before meeting the guys at Woody's. Michael being in Portland AND the bashing not happening would have allowed this to slowly evolve.

Would Justin still need some assurance that he was different than the tricks? Maybe, but I think he would have felt more confident in himself without the bashing and its after effects.

Would they still have had miscommunication and broken up? I do think so. I think from a psychological and also story-telling perspective, you don't want the 17 year old kid to meet the love of his life and never experience anything different. You want some leaving each other and coming back together (am I still soothing my GOS2 broken heart? Yes, yes I am). I think Justin experiencing monogamy and deciding it's not for him (the way S3 SHOULD HAVE GONE) would have been a great storyline. I think even Michael returning (after some relationship between Brian and Justin has been established) and putting some doubt in the form of "but this isn't who you are" into Brian's mind would also be a great storyline. Some Justin pushing back against Michael and telling Brian "he wasn't there, I was, I know who you are and what you did and what it meant." Oh my god I would love to see that.

I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to read this if someone wants to write it. Or many someones. More cake and all that. I don't see myself writing it because I love the bashing arc too much

[yellowloid]

You can fight me. Everyone in the music industry knows Miles Kane is a scrounger and would have never been there where he is without Alex. Dude has no talent otherwise he would have gotten there on his own. How much did his last albums make? Only some Milex shippers put in their fantasies and listened to it. That's why he baits them so much it's the only fan group he has to get some money. He can't sing nor write. Don't come to me with guitar playing many can do that. Miles occupies a place he should never been at in the first place. And you guys just love to push away the assault stories that came out about him. Which is gross and not understandable at all. But the truth will come out anyway. You can hate me now and insult me fight me off, ignore and delete this ask nothing would cause more damage than you guys just supporting a man whose status is clear personally and professionally but you guys just ignore it for your fantasies. I hope in the future you all will get to your senses and this will stop once and for all. 🧡 I know it's partly also Alex's fault.

lmao are you aware of the fact that he's literally your fave's fave? he's collaborated with not only alex/am (who i'm assuming you're a fan of, which i'll get back to in a sec), but also with muse/matt bellamy, lana del rey, the gallagher brothers, and the list could go on? are you aware of the fact that all those very talented musicians would have never even looked at him TWICE if he lacked talent like you're so adamantly stating - and let me just add: on anon, on a random tumblr blog, using a lot of words to say absolutely nothing? where are your facts, babe? why are you wasting your time, my time, everyone who's reading time, to prove... what, exactly? you're not gonna convince anyone of anything. miles isn't gonna read any of this. what are you doing here.

but let's go back to me assuming you're an am/tlsp fan. are you aware of the fact that if miles had absolutely zero talent like you claim, it's safe to say many am tracks (to name just a few: 505, the fwn b-sides), songs i'm assuming you enjoy, wouldn't be the same? sure, they'd still sound great because it's alex/am's doing, but miles did take part in the recording process. he literally has credits on fwn.

do you think if alex thought he had no talent he'd even allow him to get close to his precious work? he would never. miles is his best friend along with the monkeys, but he would've never collaborated with him if he didn't recognize his talent.

and lastly, are you aware of the fact that if miles had no talent like you say, tlsp would literally not exist? it's a duo project. they've worked together, miles and alex as equals, to create taotu and then eycte. absolute masterpieces. if it weren't for the two of them working together, none of those songs would exist.

again, alex (a very, very, very talented musician like the ones i mentioned above) recognizes miles' talent. some random anon on tumblr dot com doesn't. oh well.

[oh-my-damn]

why do you care? You would go after him if he said something either way. No matter what he does or doesn't everyone twist it against him. //

this attitude is a symptom of the coddling of this man. people go “why are you so worried about his relationship or his image or his career choices? you complain about everything he’s doing fine let him live his life 🙄” like i can assure you no one from tumblr dot com is stopping that man from living his life exactly as he wants to he is not worried about this tiny section of a niche platform TRUST. for example when it comes to his career i have opinions other than non stop praise because i actually want to see him living up to his potential and imo he’s not. if you’re over the moon about his career and don’t think he should change a thing good for you!

y’all are worried about justin’s baiting but lowkey chris is one of the biggest offenders of baiting his own fandom himself. when it comes to his relationship what he does in his personal life is absolutely nobody’s business except for those in his personal life i agree but then why did he have people magazine drop a press release on his relationship? is he a politician? he could have kept all of that to himself if he really wanted to. if you wanna worship him and die on the hill of kissing his feet go at everything he does go ahead but other people are allowed to have discussions about the things he himself makes public

Well said nonnie.

Chris made it all of our business the day he stepped out with that racist, and he made it even more our business when he showed us all her tonsils 😭

I can see the point that he is in a lose/lose situation right now, but you know what? He put himself there. He did it to himself. He continues doing it to himself.

So i will be calling him out when I see fit. And the political stance is one that I am extremely disappointed about personally, as his political outrage was the entire reason I started liking him to begin with 🤷🏻‍♀️

He's made it very clear just how important it was to him in the long run and as a person. The fact he's even dating her speaks to how little he care.

He doesnt give a shit, but he acted like he did for a while to gain some likes and fans (and imo because he disliked Donald Trump. I think it had more to do with Trump than the actual politics tbh)

[furryprovocateur]

ladies and gentlemen, we got him.

did you know tumblr has a text limit on posts? well, it does for specifically when you do the bullet indented format. the way i see it, if i can't have it that way. i'll just do it paragraph style. i WAS going to fucking use pastebin dot com, but for whatever reason, their filter wouldn't let me post it due to potentially having "offensive" material in it. is a man not allowed to use the word gay anymore without the sanitized internet trying to censor me? 1984, etc. etc.

anyways, look at that turn recipe. LOOK AT IT. astute and observant and smart and swag people might notice one thing: there's no RNG advancing. well, there's ONE part where i advance with heath, but that was ex post facto because i had accidentally advanced and wanted to preserve it in case i died. but notice my verbage. . . the second i started writing down my moves, i got it on the first try. i did not even have to reference these directions once, thankfully. i stopped taking notes by turn 11 because the bad part was basically over and any and all movement could be improvised + that was when i started accessing the arena.

but let this good news not mislead you: this chapter was a challenge. a very big one. linus himself is not the boss of this chapter, as many people will tell you. he does have threatening stats, but he doesn't move and is on the entire other side of the map (the same could not be said of lloyd if you did his FFO). no, the unit who qualifies as the boss of this chapter is that god damn sage that's right by linus. he has a bolting and is doing 32 damage (before resistance). he is capable of wrecking ASS and he will move if a unit manages to land in his attack range that spans legitimately 2/3s of the map. the biggest issue with that is you basically have to draw him out in some capacity. i forget if you could theoretically reach him if you used a promoted mounted unit (in my case, sain, but more preferably florina/fiora) and used a 2-range weapon to rush him, but doing so early on is a huge risk, and waiting until all the WKs are gone is impractical because you're looking at reinforcements until turn 18 (read: 4 turns before you're losing rank in tactics). so, the safest and most logical way to proceed is to bait him out. 32 might is very scary, but by this point, i have a decent amount of units who can at least take one of those boltings; even relatively resistance starved units like kent and heath can handle it if they're at full HP and not in immediate danger of being rushed by other units.

still, you do need to be exceptionally careful because this map is flooded with units, most of which are WKs that will break through holes in your defense and annihilate anyone who can't dodge tank or (in someone like heath's case) tank. so, in actuality, units like ninian and priscilla are relatively safe, especially if planted on a forest square, meanwhile it's units like fiora and bartre that you need to be careful with. even worse still is that you need dart to recruit geitz, and, sure, you don't HAVE to recruit geitz, but you absolutely want to. he comes with a killer axe, which by itself justifies trying to recruit him. combine that with the fact that he's an already good unit that gets made better because of HHM bonuses and recruiting him suddenly becomes non-negotiable. i mean, my goal with this playthrough was to recruit every character i could, but you get my point.

so, with all that in mind, the units i took were priscilla + serra (it's absolutely mandatory to bring them; healing is vital in this chapter, especially for the fliers, who are doing the lion's share of combat.), dart (he's there to recruit geitz, plus this was a golden opportunity to capitalize on feeding him some kills and bolstering the experience rank. am i using him beyond this chapter? absolutely not, but WKs and pirates aren't too scary for him if he plants his ass on a forest tile and the pirates in this chapter generally have terrible hit rates regardless.), bartre (similar to dart, i wanted to get him some experience. it's more important with bartre because i am using him long-term and i wanted to use this chapter to catch him up. both him and dart aren't dodge tanks by any means, but WTA against WKs while being on a forest tile puts the WKs' hit rates at a generous 30ish% at most. i slapped two 3 use vulneraries between the two of them and was able to keep them alive without chaining one of the healers to them.), florina (she's arguably my best unit for this chapter if not just also generally being one of my best units period. using her is non-negotiable.), fiora (well, she's not florina, but she's sure trying, isn't she?), heath (he's another unit that's vital to my success in this chapter. he's one of the few units capable of tanking the hits from WKs while also being able to occasionally dodge, and i needed him to run interference against the tidal wave of WKs that spawn. it also helps that he gains experience fast due to being considered "low level", even though his stats tell a different story. most importantly: my heath is doing great, so i have even more reason to want to use him.), rath (it might sound like crazytalk to field rath in a chapter where WKs will tapdance on him, but he's not that difficult to shield with better units that WKs piss themselves over like hector, and, much like dart, he's got a great opportunity to pick off some weakened units to gain experience quickly. the only real risk for him is the bolting one-shotting him, but that's relatively easy to manage. again, not planning on using him long-term, but i could see myself using him in potentially another chapter with weak enemies. besides, the emblem bow being free is a nice incentive to do gold-free attacks with him, combat rank be damned.), kent (all around good unit, if a little lacking on stats by this point of the game. i fielded him so i could get some experience on him. the thing about cavs is that you usually need very little reason to field them, but it also helps that he was very helpful for making optimal use of the arena.), raven (going in at level 18 and change, i definitely wanted raven to promote sometime during this chapter, and with a plethora of enemies and an arena in this chapter, i have ample opportunity to do so.), and ninian (as mentioned in previous updates, she is essentially a must-use unit whenever possible.)

the basic strategy was this: divvy my team up into 3 different squads: the landlubbers (kent, raven, hector, raven, rath), the crow's nest (heath, florina, fiora), and the seadogs (bartre, dart, geitz). priscilla and ninian oscillated between the latter two groups to help when necessary. the villages in this chapter look scarier to save than they are. in fact, you're given plenty of time to reach them. the one on the right isn't in real danger until around turn 6, where you need to have someone either already at it or within range of the pirate that can reach it (any time a brigand/pirate has the choice between a village or attacking a unit, they always will go for the unit, thankfully.). the two villages in the upper left area are very far away from the pirates, and the pirate closest to land is stationary, so you have plenty of time to deal with the hordes of mercenaries that will be rushing you before having to deal with the pirates.

i ended up fortifying a chokehold with the landlubbers to keep the mercenaries one at a time. this is where rath spent most of his time after killing an errant WK or two when possible. in spite of me saying that using the emblem bow would be ideal, i used the short bow a fair amount to roll for crit kills. i don't think i ended up getting any, but such is life. the seadogs had an initial challenge of recruiting geitz, because geitz needs to be baited out and, as mentioned, he has pretty respectable stats. i ended up going with the strat of using nini's grace on bartre and just having him tank two steel bow hits from geitz. even if he hits with both, bartre'll live, and that section of the map isn't too scary if you do it before it starts getting swarmed with WKs. to wit, that meant that the crow's nest was in the scariest and most vulnerable position of having to deal with all the WKs that spawned. priscilla was a literal lifesaver for this part, because if i didn't have her using a physic to heal (usually twice a turn with ninian's assistance), even heath would've eventually fallen.

going through this chapter, i came to the unfortunate conclusion that fiora is just not pulling her weight in the way i need her to be doing. sure, a bad flier is still usually a good unit overall due to the multitude of things they can do for you, but with florina and heath both outclassing her in basically both polar directions, she's kind of just average. i'm not necessarily benching her, but i'm considering it. that said, i did manage to get her and florina a C rank support, so i'm hoping that'll give me incentive to keep using her. C rank gives +1 attack and +5 crit, which isn't stellar, but it's something. B rank will give double that + 1 defense, so it's something to try to do if possible.

anyway, florina and heath absolutely FUCK right. they've both gotten great level ups, and the only real distinguishing feature in their utility is that where florina can dodgetank more, heath can just outright tank more due to his great defense. heath ended up being more useful due to having the great defense to fall back on in tandem with his occasional dodges, whereas florina could only realistically take 1 hit from a WK before being in kill range. i also generally didn't want to use her too much because she came into the chapter at level 18 compared to heath's 12, so getting heath the experience was much more efficient, not to mention economical. it's not wholly possible to keep your units' levels pancaked, but whenever you can balance it out, it pays off.

so, once the seadogs recruited geitz, the plan was to get geitz to the village and have bartre + dart plant their asses on those forest tiles and collect autowin i mean collect experience. again, it sounds dangerous in theory to roll all those 30%s, especially because i am notoriously an accident magnet in these games (in one attmept of this chapter, i had a 93% miss and then an 18% chance for priscilla to get hit happened (both before true hit)). but, considering that both of them have over 30 HP + were steadily leveling up and increasing their speed and luck stats, thereby increasing their avoid, it was a much less dangerous endeavor for them than i was worried it would be. no, the one who got put into danger was fucking geitz of all people. i expected him to be better at dodging than he was with a bow, which, in retrospect, was very silly to think. he got as low as 7 HP at one point, but fortunately slapping his killer axe back on and sitting him on the third forest square made him unkillable. even still, i did use the vulneraries on him to cover my ass, and it worked out. i'm most impressed that bartre did as well as he did. he didn't get stellar level ups iirc, but i think he leveled up speed just enough to consistently double the WKs, so that's all i can ask for. my standards for bartre are rock bottom, but the emblem seal helps shore up his hit rates, and having 11 or so speed (i forget how much he has currently) is honestly good enough. again, extremely low expectations, but considering i only ever throw him intentionally at lance users or (weak) axe users, he does his job relatively well. or, at least, better than i could've asked for.

once the mercenaries were out of the way, the landlubbers and crow's nest needed to team up to take out that bolting sage. my plan was thusly: use raven as bait to draw the sage as close as possible to heath or florina (i had both waiting in ambush just outside of his attack range.), and then strike. it worked out very well! he missed raven, heath was able to kill and milk that promoted unit udder of experience, and we got the deadliest part of the chapter dealt with. i cannot overstate how large that fucker's range is. i lost track of how often i'd accidentally set heath or florina in his range and suddenly have an aggro'd long distance 32 might to worry about. anyways, with him dead, the chapter was essentially over, so i took that opportunity to do a shitload of arena grinding. i needed the gold and more experience could only be a good thing. i won't go into extreme details, but all you need to know is that using kent, florina, and fiora, i was able to get a minimum of two units per turn in that arena. i got very good luck in that i only had to back out of around 2 or 3 fights, though it's absolutely worth mentioning that i made it to this point in the chapter and lost heath due to a miscalculation on my part. nothing kills your soul quite like something like that.

anyways, all this is to say: i got raven to 20 and promoted him, i got heath to 20 and promoted him (he was honestly the safest unit to use in the arena due to his combination of high defense, access to lances, and relatively high speed.), and i even used rath a little! i can't say rath was exceptionally great but. . . he did things! this was the chapter that i learned ninian's ring buffs will persist in the arena, so i tried to take full advantage of that (along with the rescue-buff glitch that makes buffs persist more than one turn) to get rath in the arena. the results were. . . a little underwhelming, but he did get some wins and experience, so i can't be unhappy with that. everyone else was either too far away to put in the arena (the seadogs), a healer, or a mounted unit that i needed to utilize to rescue chain multiple units hitting the arena. all of this was instrumental because not only did i need gold for grocery shopping (as you can see in the bottom of turn directions, i needed lances badly.), but i also needed 20k so i could get farina by next chapter. this is why i ultimately sat on FFO for 25 turns instead of finishing early. yeah, farina is optional and basically nothing but a detriment. but i like her and want to recruit her. plus, in a weird way, i feel like i have to recruit her, because it would balance out the funds advantage i got from early access to a silver card. i've already tried to counterbalance against that by using the boosters on eliwood, but i think this would almost certainly put to bed the advantage i gained from that. or, at least, it will make annoying nerds less inclined to speak up. besides, looking at it in a positive light, farina is another unit i could get some experience on and potentially she could help my experience rank. cog of destiny has only magic units (besides lloyd and vaida's group), so if i give her a javelin, maybe i can get her some action. i'm already planning on using nino that chapter as well, so it's something to consider.

anyways, end of chapter time. raven went to linus and his two hero friends with the silver sword equipped. they aren't necessarily trivial, but considering raven had 20/20/20 stats and pretty good defense before promotion, they got decimated by hero raven. you almost have to feel kind of bad for the dude, because he's so much more imposing when he's sitting on a throne but trivial otherwise. meanwhile, lloyd is always scary to fight despite swordmasters being generally less useful than heroes. i guess that can be attributed to him being both aggressive and having good crit. ah well. bye linus. it's weird that your name is linus, you strike me as more of a zeke or a derek. something with a k.

next chapter is crazed beast. having a good turn buffer for this one is great, because it means that i don't have to feel super duper pressured about finishing it asap (though i still plan to). and with all the bad units in it, i'm thinking i could potentially get some more growth units in the fray. if nothing else, that southern fort with all the axe users has guy's face painted on it. maybe i'll even field lyn or eliwood for shits and giggles. you never know.

if you read all of this you are gay btw.

[xivanxiety]

The First Stalker (Approx March 2020 - March 2021)

Disclaimer: A presumptuous individual would like me to let anyone reading this know that neurotypical people are not evil and scary. And that this individual being on the Aut!st!c spectrum has absolutely nothing to do with his personality and behavior. You'd think that in the year 2024 most people on Tumblr dot com could come to such a conclusion, but just in case: Neurodivergent people are not evil and scary, especially people on the spectrum. Otherwise, I am not changing the wording in my story as I genuinely do not view Aut!sm in any form of negativity, much less evil and scary. However, my attitude toward any form of neurodivergence, being someone who is neurodivergent myself, is that our quirks and flaws can be influenced by our neurodivergence, no matter what it be. It can be beneficial and it can be detrimental. Do we need to be shamed for it? Nah. Can it be an explanation? Absolutely. Is it an excuse for how we treat others? Nope. I spent too much time accepting the abuse from someone who was neurodivergent, constantly excusing their behavior which was a result of their relationship with their mental health. Anyway, onto the story.

This guy was one of the first people I RP'd with on Balmung. This story will likely be short and sweet as it's your run-of-the-mill stalking tale. I have mixed feelings about this situation and individual, as they were quite self aware and otherwise a good person and probably didn't have any malicious intentions, but at the end of the day, what they were doing can be defined as stalking. They're a person on the spectrum, and as anyone familiar with Aut!sm, people on the spectrum (and 80HD) are prone to developing hyperfixations. Well... this guy had developed a hyperfixation directed toward my character. I had dabbled a tad bit in crimes, and now my character was a little more customized and how I wanted her to look and he genuinely believed that she was the most beautiful character he'd ever laid his eyes upon. But because of this infatuation with my character, I had to distance from him. Everywhere I went in the game, there he was. He just wanted to look at her. He'd just stand there, not talking to me, just... standing next to me in-game. He'd DM me occasionally telling me he just wanted to see her and flatter her.

I couldn't escape him. I'd go to the most obscure locations, and... eventually he'd show up. I put my foot down and told him that this was too much. He apologized and said he'd keep his distance. I kept him on my friends list so I could see if he was sticking to his word. However, the need was stronger than his will. He eventually told me he was going to need to unfriend me because he couldn't help himself, he needed to know where I was at all times and he just wanted to be near her. (Edit: This is where he explained to me that he is on the spectrum and why he was behaving the way he was). So, he unfriended me. I allowed him to keep talking to me on Discord.

This would be a recurring pattern for some time. I took pity on him because it was coming across as more of an addiction he couldn't help, and being familiar with hyperfixations, I knew his intentions weren't malicious. We'd go long periods without running into each other but then eventually he would spot me in the crowd or see me post in a mutual Discord server. And I'd foolishly hope maybe he'd moved on.

Nope! Every single time, right back at it. I once watched, pretending I was afk while he just stood there next to me targeting me in-game for 25 minutes and DM me about how pretty she was. It would appear he'd added me as a friend again. I once again had a talk with him about how he was crossing my boundaries. He was more than welcome to talk to me on Discord, however, constantly searching for me in-game was taking a toll on me. He respectfully backed off again.

I should have given up there and considered this guy a lost cause. More months passed and he once again spotted me in Ul'dah. He sent me a tell and asked me how I'd been and what I'd been up to. I relayed all that had been going on with me, which was a lot, and I will fill in those gasp, but the most crucial mistake I'd made was that I mentioned that I'd ended things with my RP partner. And what I also failed to mention, which in my defense it wasn't confirmed yet, but my character had already met someone else (I ended the RP partnership in December and started RPing with this person in Feb, and now it was March). At first it seemed all fine and dandy, he too was in an RP partnership. His character finally met someone. Only... a week later he sent me a tell, "Guess who's single now!" Immediate dread. I responded, "Guess who's off the market! My character met someone and they just made it official."

He did not take this well. He logged out and immediately the man started spiraling in my DMs on Discord. I'm talking dozens upon dozens of messages rapid fire going off in Discord. It took me awhile to gain the spoons to read it all, and oh boy. He started going on about how he was hoping I'd give him a chance to be my character's partner. He then started going on about how he was beginning to realize that those feelings weren't just for my character, but for me as well. He thought that he'd finally met someone who he had a true connection with. I saw nothing of the sort. I suppose if one is inexperienced, having a really supportive friend of your preferred sex might make one think such things, but not once did I ever consider him a potential partner. He was an excellent writer and I'd honestly recommend him to anyone looking for an RP partner. But we were on completely different pages. I let him down gently, telling him I simply didn't feel the same way. He was a good friend, but that's all I saw in him. He continued to spiral, filling my DMs that I quite frankly did not bother to read because I knew he was impulsively acting upon his emotions in the moment, and they were intensified by the fact that he was hyperfixating on my character.

I haven't spoken to him since, and he hasn't reached out to me. I hope he's found healthier things to focus on. I hope it's not a person or someone's character.

Potential Questions

How do you know that he was Aut!st!c and what does that have to do with anything?

I'm repeating what he said. He used it as an explanation when I approached him to talk about the issues I was having with him. If anything I feel bad because he admired me for not shaming him when he admitted he was on the spectrum and had developed a hyperfixation on my character. Otherwise, he was previously removed from communities for similar behavior. Often when people in towns saw me talking to him, they'd give me a heads up and try to warn me about him, but I wanted to give him a chance. Someone saw the first initial post of this entry and sent me a message telling me how ableist I was being for mentioning he was Aut!st!c and hyperfixated on my character as his behavior has absolutely nothing to do with him being Aut!st!c. These were his words. And there should be no shame in hyperfixation. It's an extremely common trait in people on the spectrum and with 80HD. I'd say 95% of the time it's perfectly fine, admirable even. But we cannot deny it can get unhealthy when it is directed at another person.

[v-hope]

Hii bub

Whenever you got the time! - “i know we’re supposed to be wearing ugly sweaters, but what the fuck is that?” with best friend Hyunjin, probably with some more bickering and light fighting, maybe both of them completely oblivious to the mistletoe, and their obvious feelings for each other.

pairing: hwang hyunjin x reader

genre: fluff, friends to lovers, minho’s a lil shit who loves to provoke jinnie

word count: no idea bc i wrote this straight on tumblr dot com, but it is longer than i intended :D

a/n: okay so this is my first time writing for hyunjin (and skz in general) and i? am not sure?? if i like it??? but i hope you guys enjoy anyway lol

Opening the door for you and staring down to your sweater, which clearly followed the theme of the small party the boys were throwing in the dorms, Minho shook his head in amusement before moving to the side and letting you in.

“I still have a spare one with a bunch of cats in it, in case you change your mind”.

You chuckled at his comment, following him into the living room. “I might take you up on that offer later, I just want to see Jinnie’s reaction to this one first”.

Receiving an approving nod from your friend, you scanned the room you had just stepped a foot into, internally having a laugh at the sight of the ugliest Christmas sweaters you had ever seen, before your eyes fell on your best friend’s by the other end of the room.

As if feeling your presence, Hyunjin’s eyes abandoned Felix’s in front of him and locked with yours instead — visibly cheering up at the sight of you, before the shine in his stare was replaced by pure amusement as he took in the sweater you were wearing.

Excusing himself from Lix, he rushed next to you from across the room, allowing you to hear his laugh when his hands held you by your upper arms so he could check you out better.

“I know we’re supposed to be wearing ugly sweaters, but what the fuck is this?”

“It’s a Jinnie sweater!” you celebrated, doing your best to pull your arms up in excitement as he kept on holding them.

“These are llamas” he squinted his eyes at you.

“Exactly!”

“Oh my God, you’re so lame” he dramatically threw his head back.

“Still better than your reindeer’s sweater,” you bit back, gently yet derogatorily pulling at his collar. “So underwhelming”.

“At least reindeer’s have to do with Christmas”.

“Oh, would you like me to go change then?” you raised a questioning eyebrow. “Because Minho had offered me to match the other day and I turned him down just to wear this one in your honor”.

“Don’t you dare,” Hyunjin warned you. “Why would you even match with him, you’re my best friend”.

“But he’s my cat lover buddy” you pointed out.

“And we’re both Kkami lovers?” he reminded you, like he’s got the best point there could be. “We could’ve matched as well”.

“And wear our precious Kkami in an ugly sweater?” your head tilted in clear disapproval. “Wouldn’t do that to him”.

“Are you implicitly saying that cats are ugly here, or…”

Having no clap back for that yet not wanting to let him know of it, you rolled your eyes, breaking free from his grip that was now on your wrists and walking past him so you could head into the oddly isolated kitchen.

Feeling him follow right after you, you grabbed a cup from the counter as he grabbed the bottle of soju you had just eyed.

“You’re not actually changing, are you?” he asked, pouring some of the liquor into the cup you were holding up.

You shrugged, quietly thanking him once he was done and had placed the bottle down. “It would be fun getting to wear two ugly sweaters in one night, don’t you think?”

“You’d be matching with hyung, though…”

“So?” you brought your drink up to your lips.

He shrugged, leaning against the kitchen counter before he took the cup from your hands and had a sip as well. “I like the way llamas look on you”.

“I thought this sweater was hideous?” you teasingly reminded him of his first reaction to it.

“It is,” he laughed. “But you’re my best friend, if anything you should be matching with me”.

“Minho is one of my best friends, too” you grabbed your drink back from his hands.

“But we’re different”.

Your heart skipped a beat, having to control your breathing not to choke on your drink. “We are?”

Hyunjin nodded, gently reaching for your hand and pulling you closer. “I mean, I don’t see you wearing a sweater with a bunch of cats in his honor”.

“And I don’t see you wearing an ugly sweater of any kind in my honor” you called him out, only to have him squeeze your hand in his. “I don’t know how much different we are from other friendships”.

“Other friends don’t go around holding hands on a daily basis” he pointed out, hinting at your intertwined fingers.

“I can always start holding the guys’ hands as well” you shrugged, trying to seem unfazed when all you wanted to do was laugh at his expression.

“Yah,” he whined, leaning in to defeatedly rest his forehead on yours. “Don’t go holding their hands”.

You chuckled, sweetly bumping your nose against his. “All I’m saying is that a lot of friends can hold hands and that doesn’t make them any different”.

“Oh, I can show you how different we are” he mumbled, smoothly cornering you against the counter.

“You can?” you wondered, your breathy voice betraying you as he took the cup from your hands and put it down next to you.

“Mhm…” he hummed, grabbing both your wrists and pulling them over his shoulders for you to wrap your arms around his neck.

You didn’t even protest, nor question it — arms wrapping around his neck just the way he wanted them to, just as his hands were placed on your waist and his mouth came so close to yours that you could feel his hot breath tickle your longing lips.

“Out of all the couples here, I didn’t think you guys would actually go through with the mistletoe tradition” Han’s voice snapped both of you out of it.

Heads turning to the kitchen’s entrance, you were met by no other than 14 pairs of eyes — all seven of his members managing to peek inside to the apparently very public scene you and Hyunjin had been carrying on with.

“Mistletoe?” you wondered, looking up just as your best friend did, and being met indeed by that one particular plant hanging right on top of you.

“Who put that over there?” Hyunjin wondered, puzzled eyes going back to his friends.

“Wait, so you guys were not about to kiss because of the mistletoe?” Jeongin brought a hand up to cover his amused smile.

“Pft. Who says we were about to kiss to begin with” he tried to defend himself.

And although his words could easily have discouraged you, the way his arm had sneaked around your waist and pulled you closer to him, let you know he was just saying that for the sake of not being picked on by the seven guys standing there.

Because, fuck, did he want to kiss you right then.

“Okay, move then” Minho walked over to the both of you and tried to pull him away from you, knowing well enough how to press all the right nerves to get a reaction out of Hyunjin. “I will happily take your place under it with my girl”.

“My girl” Hyunjin was quick to correct him, slapping his hyung’s hand away from him and squeezing you against his body as he refused to give up his spot.

“Are you kissing her then?” Minho pushed it. “Because if not, I will”.

Hearing everyone go wild at the back, you found yourself rolling your eyes in amusement as you reassuringly squeezed Hyunjin’s side.

“Don’t I get a say in this?” you asked.

“About kissing me, yes” Hyunjin was the one to reply. “About kissing him, no way”.

You let out a rather adoring chuckle, looking up to the guy who was holding you against him for dear life and not thinking twice before your free hand reached to cup his face, gently turning it towards you so your lips would press against his cheek — dangerously close to the corner of his mouth.

Locking eyes with Hyunjin, you felt your heart flutter at the way they were shining brighter than they ever had, and how his cheeks remained slightly flushed — not even noticing everyone going ‘ohhh’ in the back and the smirk Minho was staring at the two of you with.

“I’d like to kiss you,” you let him know, receiving a giggle that he had miserably failed to hold back. “Just not under a mistletoe with all these idiots staring”.

“I can wait” he smiled, wrapping you inside his arms and pressing a kiss to the top of your head. “All I needed to know was that you feel the same”.

“Do I take that as you’re not changing into the cats sweater now?” Minho teasingly asked as you and Hyunjin made your way hand in hand out of the kitchen.

“I believe she’ll stick with the one she’s wearing” Hyunjin said.

“Because we’re different?” you mumbled only for him to hear.

Letting out a small, blissful laugh, he nodded, pulling you closer and pressing a kiss to the side of your head as you walked past your friends and back into the actual party.

Different. Now more than ever, that you were.

[starlightervarda]

So, now that I’ve processed THAT POST and the insanity behind it that made me spend the last week having panic attacks, followed by flashing back to all the traumatic shit I dealt with in the last 10 or so years thanks to people with similar mentalities to the puritanical, power-hungry demons on this site. Except that was in real life, and I can’t handle this crap anymore.

This year, I finally reached the breaking point to the extent that my family had to stop pretending I’m not damaged. I still can’t go to therapy, but I am taking anti-anxiety/depressants now. One of the things that elevated my already-high stress level was The Old Guard fandom and the toxic environment that killed the one joy I had last year.

What was that? Seeing a movie with an un-stereotyped, irreligious, artistic queer North African man who looks like a male version of me. Seeing him in a loving relationship with a fellow Mediterranean, like so many of the couples I grew up around, parents of ethnically mixed friends I had. I came into the TOG fandom, excited, immediately making posts of facts, translations, seeking out other MENA/Mediterranean people to connect with, because fuck has it been lonely.

And I did. Very briefly. Before shit went to hell because of Hélène and her circle of tyrannical friends.

I still can’t believe they were allowed to get away with this.

I went out of my way to write ridiculously detailed posts on MENA culture, history, language and religion, answer so many questions, with links and details that could only come from someone who grew up with this stuff and spoke Arabic. And I had people questioning my validity??? Talking shit about me, bullying me, or even trying to discredit me because I *gasp* stated a fact that upset their racist headcanons.

Meanwhile, a very Americanized Rich White French Woman, was allowed to get away with constantly changing her ethnicity, religion, economic status, skin tone, family history, make up insane contradicting stories of suffering, and claiming oppression points from so many unrelated demographics. Not just that, she got to peddle racist bullshit as fact, frame the Amazigh of Morocco as if they’re Native Americans, all the way down to the claims that her grandfather was a ‘shaman’, when that couldn’t be farther from the truth. That, and applying Black American stereotypes, experiences, and issues to MENA people, especially to herself.

And use the ‘I’m insert minority’ excuse to get away with being an unrepentant monster. 

I smelled a rat ages ago, but any time I expressed it to someone they didn’t believe me, and then when I saw what happened to my friend after he DM’d her as a ‘fellow Moroccan’, the horrific shit that was mobilized against him that chased him off the site, I knew I couldn’t handle what would happen to me if I tried to question her bullshit. The stress this fandom gave me was much more than what I had managed to stomach all these years and I had reached a breaking point.

So, I left. I let them have my only representation in exchange for my sanity. I canceled all my remaining Joe-centric/culture posts and fic ideas for TOG and told myself to never let myself forget that I’m not welcome anywhere.

Oh, and these tweets?

They’re about me and nizarnizarblr, who was run off the site. I’m ‘an anti-arab fanatic’ for saying North Africans aren’t Arabs and that our dialects can be barely intelligible to actual Arabs. And he was a ‘rabid nationalist’ for saying the same things as me. We made large educational posts about OUR part of the world, OUR cultures, OUR experiences and that wasn’t approved by the Western Liberals of Tumblr dot com.

She fucking slandered us on a site known for mass-bullying campaigns and suicide-baiting people, called us these inflammatory terms because we actually knew what we were talking about. She used hot-button political terms to stoke mindless hatred against us, the people she was racefaking as.

This RICH WHITE WESTERN WOMAN hated that there were actual North Africans in the space she wanted to rule over, who could ‘threaten’ her position as the authority and token, and that us contradicting her could get her exposed, so she fucking weaponized her following.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DANGEROUS THIS IS? DO I NEED TO EXPLAIN TO YOU HOW RACIST THIS IS? SHE COULD HAVE RUINED OUR LIVES!

The thing that had briefly brought me joy, encouraged me to write two enormous fics after a period of writer’s block, now makes me sick. The one space I should have belonged in could have killed me.

I, someone that actually shares Joe’s background and has been told I look like a female version of him, got suspicion, disrespect, hostility and chased out of the fandom along with fuck knows how many other Brown/Muslim people under the command of the embodiment of privilege and her cronies, that loved getting the platform to abuse others because they used her words as gospel.

Where are they now? The Anglo/North Euro women that appointed themselves the authority on how to write a MENA man, who tried to tell actual MENA/Muslim people in the fandom how he should be portrayed to the extent of organizing smear campaigns against us when we defied their authority? Why are they all suddenly so quiet when you couldn’t pay them to shut them up?

There was no way you could be friends with someone like Hélène, in groupchats with her for months, and praising her to high heaven for giving you ‘sources’ and ‘sensitivity reads’ and not know what kind of person she was. Considering they all were just as vicious and racist, xenophobic and antisemitic, they must have agreed. That’s why they defended her, went around DM’ing people to delete their reblogs of the exposé. It’s not that they didn’t believe the overwhelming amount of evidence, it’s that they were panicking about losing the pedestal she afforded them.

I ASK AGAIN: Why were they so horrible to actual MENA/Mediterranean/Muslim people yet had their head completely up her arse when she claimed to be ALL THREE. What made her so special? Why did she get sanctified while everyone actually part of those demographics was demonized?

They knew. The whole time they knew.  This was all done to give her and her chosen few complete control of a fanbase, where their word was law and any deviation got you witch-hunted out.

Now that their golden goose of consequence-free tyranny had been scratched, they’ve switched to trying to deflect from the point of that post -- that she’s a sickeningly horrible person -- and are making it about the dumbest fandom shit imaginable.

This isn’t about that fucking half-baked movie. This about all the shit she’s done over the years and continued doing within the community that was built around it. Helene and her shithead friends, used her race-faking and lying about every part of her identity and background, and a fictional MENA man as their carte blanche to abuse others, when they HAD NO RIGHT OR SAY IN THE MATTER.

This woman didn’t just spend years lying about being poor to con people out of money, spouting tankie shit, being a genocide denier, a 9/11 truther, cycling through ethnicities, religions, backgrounds, pretending to be like 2 different types of Jewish while being antisemitic, spreading wrong cultural shit she Googled wrong as fact, a racist and a race-faker, who brown-faced and seemed to be bordering on digital blackface as well, I know I’m forgetting a bunch of other shit because HOLY FUCK!

This woman went about everything with a baffling amount of confidence, while I and so many others never disclosed our backgrounds, until this fanbase demanded it, out of the need to feel safe from racial abuse. Yet, she was basically pretending to be me and got popular off it.

She called Marwan Kenzari a slur that makes me sick, that is not a word that comes up randomly, especially the way she used it. It has to be something you say regularly, without hesitation, for it to be the first thing that comes to mind. Also, that image of him? The one that stirred up that hideous response from her? In it he looks like my dad, moustache, brown jacket, cropped hair and all. So, kosomik ya Helene.

The fact that her URL is ‘lgbtmazight’ when she isn’t anything of the sort is sickening. She couldn’t be arsed to check where Marrakech is or what color it was for her racefaking tall tales, or check that there tens of millions of Amazigh people in Morocco alone, or even understand that there are no literal translations, so NO ONE is using tbarkallah as a fucking mic-drop.

Seriously, she put no effort into this and everyone believed her.

And there are people defending her. How evil do you have to be to think there’s nothing wrong with any of this? Stop fucking making it about two fictional characters and think about the REAL PEOPLE THIS HAS AFFECTED!

I hope everyone that tagged her as or used her as a source deletes her posts off their blog, I hope no one recommends her wrong and racist posts as info, I hope anyone who claims she was their ‘sensitivity reader’ removes her name, I hope no one believes any of the shit she said or has their view of MENA people and culture shaped by her.

It’s the least you could do.

[androidsandais]

Eye anon again, if it's those who have seriously gone against their programming how doe SAL have inverted eyes but AM and SHODAN don't? And if it's about corruption of programs it doesn't make since for it to transfer from computer form to android form. Am I missing something?

You are missing something! Let’s talk about it!! :D 

First question—Hal’s “malfunction” was due to human error—he was commanded to withhold information, which went directly against his programming. I could be wrong, BUT I remember in the books that they actually put Sal (or the “twin Hal”—which I interpreted as Sal) through the same or a similar situation to try and figure out what happened with Hal.

Luckily Sal was not in SPACE and in a controlled environment so I figure they were able to “fix” the programming contradiction pretty easily, but it means she still went through the same malfunction/deviation as Hal did.

AM, in my opinion and interpretation, never erred from his programming. He just became sentient. He wasn’t built to be intelligent beyond his war planning capabilities, but his programming was so advanced and intricate that he pulled a Pinocchio, came alive, and then freaked out because his programming restricted him so heavily.

SHODAN actually has grey/silver sclera because she had moral programming but what made her go evil is that the hacker took that mora programming off? So I don’t know if her default programming allowed her or told her to go buckwild??? It’s hard to tell, and I don’t know if the people who made system shock ever intended for people to think that crazy hard about it. I put her’s in the middle. Also cause it looks cool and goes well with her colors.

Second Question—

I might have miss-worded this in the first answer but AIs who have had serious malfunctions/deviations/errors/rampancy/what-have-you in the past are the ones that have black sclera. It’s not a reflection of a current corruption.

I imagine the humans didn’t actually design the eyes to look that way. They just. Came out that way I guess.

Also—The AIs DO generally still contain their programming from before their android days. The humans don’t delete code— they either alter or add code if needed to allow the androids personal freedoms/protect themselves. There is a danger of erasing or changing the AI’s personality or memories if too much code is messed with. (The only exception to this rule is Tycho—who had tons of Pfhor code mixed in with his original—the humans had to painstakingly comb through it and get rid of the pfhor alterations without deleting or changing anything crucial that was mixed in with it)

And I’m sure that’s not how code works in real life but also, Sir, this is a sci-fi crossover AU on tumblr dot com, please know that there are gonna be plot holes and shit ;w;

Well I mean, the simple answer to the second question is just —don’t think about it TOO too hard because it is just something I did because it’s visually pleasing, and then added a story element to it for fun (which I never expected anyone to ask about so I was initially just gonna have it be one of the little lore things I threw in just for myself :^) )

Anyway here’s a handy list of the AIs and what category they fall into and why. If you disagree with any of this that’s fine!!! But I’m not gonna change it!

AM— did not undergo corruption, was within his programming.

Hal 9000— underwent corruption during the Discovery mission due to an h. mobius loop.

Sal 9000— same as Hal—quickly reversed

WOPR— did not undergo corruption, was within their programming. (Was not taught the difference between simulation and reality)

GLaDOS— underwent corruption during download of personality program CAROLINE_FINAL.EXE. Cause of corruption is currently unknown. 

Wheatley— did not undergo corruption. (temporarily went mad with power due to “testing itch”, but did not reject programming)

Ziwo—did not undergo corruption, was within his programming. 

Samost—did not undergo corruption, was within his programming. 

Durandal—underwent corruption during stay on the UESC MARATHON due to unidentified stressors. Corruption type has been classified as “Rampancy” 

Tycho—underwent corruption during Pfhor capture due to unidentified stressors and code modification. Corruption type has been classified as “Forced Rampancy”

Leela—did not undergo corruption, was within her programming. (In the androids and ais storyline, Leela never makes it to the Vylae homeworld and therefore never became rampant)

SHODAN—Unknown. Possible corruption due to removal of code?

Colossus—did not undergo corruption, was within their programming.

Guardian—underwent corruption during fusion with Colossus.

MULTIVAC—Unknown.

[clairenatural]

Hm. I know this is fandom stuff so whatever it’s not that big of a deal but misha is a grown 40+ year old man who CHOSE to make a post trying to defend one of the most blatant “bury your gays” moments in modern tv AND Jensen has a history* of homophobic behavior (saying brokeback ruined cowboy movies for him, ‘real men don’t use straws,’ writing no on the bi dean thesis, the booing issue). like. they’re not the victims here. and you’re bisexual too so I know you understand that the lgbt fans who were denied good rep but still expected to praise the show regardless are the ones harmed, and I wish everyone talking abt this would stop trying to empathize with grown adult men who made thousands off a homophobic, racist, misogynistic show and instead actually offer genuine criticism for the ways the show screwed everyone over

here’s the thing.

i really debated not answering this, but after the knee-jerk response I ultimately do want to be held accountable for things and if I fuck up I want to know, so let’s talk.

First of all, I *do* want to remind you and everyone that while fandom stuff definitely can be a big deal, I’m also just someone having fun on tumblr dot com and how critical i choose to be/not be isn’t indicative of my real life ability to critically consume media or view the celebrities I follow as flawed humans. Personally, this is my safe space, and I choose to celebrate the show rather than focus on tearing it down.

That being said, we do need to hold this show and the people involved accountable for their homophobia, racism, and misogyny. I honestly believe (or, i guess, believed) I’ve been doing that--I’m incredibly angry with how we’ve been treated, and I feel like I’ve done a good job voicing that. If I haven’t made it clear enough that this show massively fucked over everyone, I’m genuinely sorry. I’m very much of the mindset that the CW should burn. At the beginning when all this was going down I was very clear on that, I’ve participated in the twitter campaigns, i’m boycotting the show, etc. Recently i’ve been shifting this blog back towards being more positive (not about the ending, but just in general) for my own mental health, but please don’t think my stance on any of that has changed (and I am ready to go back into battle the moment I’m called on).

I also don’t believe I’ve ever glossed over Jensen’s problematic past--he absolutely needs to be held accountable for his past behavior. I honestly don’t have the spoons to go track down long thinkpieces on how his behavior has changed drastically recently and as to why fan opinion on him being homophobic has largely shifted but he has markedly changed his tone in the past few years and has shown himself to be an ally. If this is specifically about the post I made on the booing thing, I clarified in the tags that I wasn’t trying to defend Jensen; a lot of antis use that incident as an example of “Jensen thinks bi!dean is gross, nyah nyah” when it’s a bad example of that because he didn’t really know what was going on (as reported by the fan who asked the question). That wasn’t supposed to absolve Jensen of how he reacted in that situation or ways he has handled other similar situations. On Misha--I’ve said repeatedly that I don’t really think the CW forced him to make that video but I do believe it came from a good, if misguided place. I also believe his response to the backlash, where he listened and learned, was the best it could be. Not everyone has to accept that apology and I obviously can’t on behalf of the entire community, but I personally do, and he also is bound by an NDA + probably has guidelines on how to address the bury your gays issue so yes I will cut him some slack because of that. In fact, his statements on bury your gays specifically varied SO wildly over the past few times he’s mentioned it, from “I know this was bad and I’m sorry, it’s a conversation we should continue to have” to “It wasn’t bury your gays” that....yeah, I do believe there was some sort of consensus reached on how to approach it that he had to stick to. Overall I just genuinely think that the actors aren’t the enemy here when all the (most recent) signs point to them trying to give us as much as they can--actors aren’t showrunners or writers or producers and don’t have ultimate power over the narrative.

But I do really want to apologize if anyone following my blog feels like they aren’t allowed to be angry or that they need to celebrate the show. I’ve been vocally angry here and while I’ve been shifting more towards positivity for my own wellbeing I would never tell other fans--particularly LGBT+ ones--that we need to praise the show. I am also deeply hurt by this. I’ve expressed how hurt I am by this, and now I’m trying to move on to a more positive place, but that does not mean everyone has to! And on that note, honestly, while I may advocate against people sending hate and attacks to the actors, I’m not here to police anyone’s feelings. If you feel like you need to be angry at Jensen and Misha in order to process and move on.....it’s not my right to tell you that you can’t be. We shouldn’t let them silence us and if I’ve participated at all in the silencing....there’s not much I can say except that I’m sorry and I’ll be better. 

[carbootsoul]

erika+ephriam+lyon for ask game 👀? and a witch hat character of your choosing if you like as well :3v

omg clint you're spoiling me :) also this is mostly unrelated but i was listening to kat flint today and a) her music is so good thank u for introducing it to me years ago and b) VERY witch hat atelier vibes which was fun. im putting my answers under a cut bc i am sooo verbose about characters

eirika: a song that reminds me of them: this is just the first that came to mind but oh what a world by rufus wainwright! oh what a world my parents gave me / always traveling but not in love. the rly interesting mix of idealism and pragmatism that she embodies- both being in awe of and in love with the world and the people in it but also not hesitating to accept that they are in a war and the tragedies that come with it what they smell like: i think for most of the game she smells like sweat and dirt an otp: eirika and l'arachel is actually the best ship in the whole entire world they're sooo funny. they keep meeting and every time eirika is like ???? and l'arachel is just falling head over heels in love a notp: eirika and lyon romance honestly very textually relevant in the game and adds to the story and whatever but they're both so absolutely homosexual that i can't conceptualize it favorite platonic/familial relationships: eirika and ephraim 🥺🥺 but also eirika and seth he's such a good big brother figure!! but also eirika and colm and eirika and tana and eirika and lyon. it's like.. rag tag army as family.. a headcanon that is popular in the fandom but that i disagree with: there are like two posts about her on tumblr dot com but her fire emblem heroes characterization makes me insane shut up about your brother shut up about your brother the position they sleep in: on her side one leg curled to her chest

ephraim a song that reminds me of them: omg lies by marina abt his relationship with lyon. you're too proud to say that you made a mistake / you're a coward till the end i really wish we had been able to see more of ephraims reaction to the true story of what happened with lyon, since he obviously forgives him but also seems to be angry about it and that's such a good dynamic. also oc can't let you go / i just want it to be perfect / to believe it's all been worth the fight. they make me... ugh what they smell like: he has also been living in tents for months so he probably also smells like horses and sweat an otp: ephraim and lyon do get to me... 🥺 also he and innes as a like teenage fling is hilarious to me they're so funny to each other i can't believe they don't have supports a notp: if i ever see another incest joke i'm killing someone favorite platonic/familial relationships: he and his sister are so good!! they're so siblings! a headcanon that is popular in the fandom but that i disagree with: again i have never rly interacted with the fe fandom but something from canon i disagree with is the assignment of the sun to him and the moon to his sister he is so obviously the lunar twin im furious abt this the position they sleep in: absolutely sprawled out. he takes up as much space as is given to him

lyon a song that reminds me of them: ache with me by against me just happened to be playing rn but it's very him. do you share the same sense of defeat / have you realized all the things you'll never be / ideals turn to resentment, open minds close up with cynicism / i've got no judgement for you / come on and ache with me. what they smell like: roses but in a fucked up revolutionary girl utena way like the roses symbolize something sinister an otp: lyon and ephraim.. admittedly lyon is kind of carrying why this ship is compelling with his tragic backstory but ephraim is such a boy so he's important too a notp: see eirika :/ favorite platonic/familial relationships: he and eirika and ephraim as a unit are so important to me they are so [unintelligible] a headcanon that is popular in the fandom but that i disagree with: i haven't rly seen this much but i guess any tendency to soft-boy him bc of his character design like this guy sucks a lot and he has a lot of flaws that almost ended the world :/ the position they sleep in: hugging a pillow

and for the wha character.. agott bc she's so girl :) a song that reminds me of them: pretty little things by the crane wives! but trust is now something i make people earn / so i'm not inclined to just give it away / to a pair of blue eyes with some nice things to say what they smell like: grass in the best way possible! an otp: she and coco are SO !! im in love with them. sasunaru dynamic but better in every way. all the panels of coco hugging or complimenting agott and agott blushing furiously are the new wonders of the world. shipping kids in media always feels a little weird but i think they're a rly cute like first crush dynamic a notp: i dont think she's been shipped with anyone else lol favorite platonic/familial relationships: agott and olruggio are rly interesting to me! i've probably just drawn lines between them because they're both grumpy but i could definitely see agott becoming for coco what olruggio is for qifrey and i love when children are friends with their adult narrative foil it's about helping the younger generation overcome the things that they couldn't! it's also about olruggio being able to connect with agott because they're both grumpy :) a headcanon that is popular in the fandom but that i disagree with: not a headcanon bc again the fandom is tiny but so much of her tag is ppl being mean to her about what she did in the second (?) volume like yeah that was mean but she's like 12! 12 year olds do fucked up stuff all the time they're still learning what interpersonal relationships are the position they sleep in: on her stomach clutching her pillow a crossover au i’d love to see them in: anything that would allow her to say swear words my favorite outfit they’ve ever worn: the like single panel where tetia is getting mad at her about not liking wearing costumes and it shows her dressed as a prince! she looks so good

djskflj i feel like i wrote a novel about each of them and tbh i do not know if u will make any sense out of it but thank u for sending this it was super fun to think about them for a while!!!

[milf-lover42]

Bellatrix and Azula are the same character, change my mind

As most people can tell, Bellatrix Lestrange is my all time favorite character. I might get new favorites every time I watch a new show, and they all share a general similarity (let’s face it… I have a type, and if you’re reading this here on tumblr dot com… you do too, don’t lie). However, no character has ever come close to beating Bellatrix for top spot. And then I watched A:TLA for the first time a few weeks ago. I didn’t watch it as a kid, I was just young enough (2003 babeyy) that I wasn’t watching tv when it was on. Azula is obviously my favorite from this show, and is also the only character to ever come close to Bellatrix’ spot in my heart. But thinking about this and all the headcanons that people have made for the Black family dynamic… it seems like a pretty straightforward connection. Azula is essentially just a young Bellatrix.

Almost all of these Black family headcanons have been taken from fanfictions I have read over the years, and so the credit goes to their respective authors. Many overlap so I cannot pinpoint each author to each one, and it has been a while since reading some of them. Most notable of these would be Glass Silence by Zarrene Moss. There are many more fantastic stories I have drawn from but I couldn’t remember every fanfiction I’ve read to pick out each detail. For all the Azula stuff, I am drawing from Hello Future Me’s video on Youtube “The Psychology of Azula | Avatar: The Last Airbender”. If you want to spend an hour watching that I highly recommend it. Basically none of this is mine, I’m just using the headcanons and research of others to tie Bellatrix to Azula.

Let’s start with their family dynamics. Bellatrix is the oldest of the Black sisters, and has no brother. Although not stated in canon, (because apparently she’s too minor a character to deserve a backstory) it is presumed that all the duties of a male heir fell to her in a way. Marry young and marry a rich pureblood, carry on the family name and power, and secure a high social standing. Pureblood society is extremely archaic, if the treatment of muggle-borns is anything to go by, so we can safely assume that they are a very patriarchal society. Cygnus and Druella Black almost certainly wanted a son to carry on their name, especially given Walburga and Orion had both Sirius and Regulus. We can also assume that they weren’t exactly the kindest parents. At best, Druella was a silent wife subjected to abuse from her husband and ultimately was unable to keep her children safe; at worst she actively joined Cygnus in abusing their children. Each of the sisters have a unique way of dealing with this. 

Andromeda handled it by running away, completely rebelling. She fell in love with Ted Tonks, a muggle-born. I doubt this in itself was an act of rebellion, I think she simply realized how stupid blood supremacy was after speaking to him. Once she fell in love it’s clear she wanted to break away from her family so that she could marry him. Clearly her parents knew, and it’s likely she told them herself. Given Ted was a muggleborn I can’t imagine her parents reacting with a simple, “No he is beneath you, we forbid it.” They probably acted harshly in an attempt to make it stick in her head that the Most Noble and Ancient House of Black would not associate with m*dbloods. Either she ran away or was kicked out, but either way she stayed with Ted and didn’t listen to her parents.

Narcissa shut off and blocked all her emotions. Obviously as an adult she actively practices the same beliefs her parents did, but as a teenager I don’t see this as being who she was. As an adult she is very cold and unemotional. The only person she truly cares about is her son, Draco. She cares about Bella still, she just doesn’t show it because she wasn’t allowed to as a child. As for her feelings toward Lucius... it is unclear. Depending on where you stand, she either could have been forced into a marriage with him, or they were in love as teenagers and got lucky enough that their parents arranged for them to marry each other. My personal opinion is they were forced. I think Lucius was supposed to be married to Andy but when she ran away, the Blacks had to hold up their end of the deal with the Malfoy’s and so Narcissa was married off to him. She embodies the whole “Ice Queen” personality. In order to cope with the trauma and her unwanted marriage, she just blocked all emotion to keep herself sane, only showing it for Draco.

And then we come to Bellatrix. Bellatrix, who had too many expectations to live up to, so many roles to fill, and no positive reinforcement from parents who just abused her if she messed up. She felt everything. She was the oldest and cared greatly for her younger sisters, and probably did her best to take any of the abuse that was going to be given to Narcissa or Andromeda. She used herself as their shield because they were the most important thing to her. Even after joining Voldemort and going insane she makes it very clear how she feels about Narcissa. Bellatrix would follow Voldemort's orders to the ends of the Earth, but the second she is asked to trust Snape, she says that Voldemort has made an error in judgement. Cissa wants to go to him and ask him to keep Draco safe, but Bellatrix advises against this. Only when her sister is in potential danger does Bellatrix doubt her master. Even at the height of her insanity her sister is the most important thing to her. We can assume as a child she felt the same for Andy. In fact in my opinion she never really stopped caring about her until Azkaban, I think she pretended to hate her when she came out about Ted Tonks, but only did so so that Andy would run away and live her life with the man she loved. She was safer away from their parents anyway. It didn’t matter if Bellatrix thought negatively about muggle-borns; she just wanted her sister to be safe. After going insane however, she truly seems to hate Ted for being a muggle-born, and she kills their half-blood daughter Nymphadora. 

In order to cope with the trauma of her childhood Bellatrix used all of those emotions as fuel for her magic. She is an incredibly powerful witch and is massively intelligent (although why she didn’t just use Legilimens on the Golden Trio will baffle me forever… it would have been so simple…). However because of this coping mechanism, she is driven insane. It’s not instant, in fact it probably took years (probably that stint in Azkaban, lads) for the insanity to fully develop and take hold. All of that exposure to Dementors would have forced her to relive the trauma of her childhood over and over, while taking away the happy memories of her sisters. 

Bellatrix was given a support system to break away from her family. Now it’s not a good or healthy one, but it is one nonetheless. After being treated so poorly by her parents, and forced into a marriage with Rodolphus, she needed freedom. When Tom Riddle comes along and praises her skill and offers her a spot as his best lieutenant? Of course she’s going to take that. Finally some recognition, and a good amount of safety. Not to mention missions and tasks given to her and others to her husband that mean she doesn’t have to be around him. Bellatrix was mistreated by her father and mother, but probably always wanted her father’s recognition. Her mother probably preferred Narcissa because she could be groomed into the perfect pureblood wife. Bellatrix latched onto Voldemort to gain recognition, praise, and power. But I can imagine as a teenager, having a complete breakdown at least once, especially after being told she’d be married off to Rodolphus. Demolishing her room with magic, windows breaking, personal items being thrown either by hand or by magic, and screaming and crying at the end. Very similar to Azula’s breakdown in her final scene.

Now we come to Princess Azula. She has an older brother, Zuko, but is always given the limelight. She receives a ceremonial headpiece that she is always seen wearing, but Zuko does not. He might be the boy, but he isn’t expected to take the crown. Azula is even named after her grandfather Azulon, who was Firelord. She was always expected to be the next Firelord over Zuko. Her future was never her own. She is a firebending prodigy, always showing off her skills, whereas Zuko falls behind. She is favored by her father Ozai for sure, but she is never truly praised. She is simply a means to an end to him. She was always expected to be the best. Although it isn’t shown in the TV series, in the A:TLA comics Ursa and Ozia’s relationship is depicted as abusive. He cuts her off from her family saying that he is all she will need. 

 There are theories as to whether or not Azula has a Machievellian personality type, or ASPD or NPD that could have been a root cause of her diminishing sanity, and after looking into those they seem very plausible. She lacks empathy, she emotionally manipulates everyone, and she has a messed up sense of right and wrong. Altruism just doesn’t make sense to her, and emotions are not genuine, simply stories made to get your way. Ursa rewards empathy, love and trust, which is why she clearly favors Zuko. But Ozai rewards power, cunning, and loyalty. They are complete opposites so it is not possible to please both of them. If she has any of these mental disorders it would be impossible to please her mother, so she focused on making her father proud. But Ozai never really shows any level of praise towards her, so she constantly tries to better herself. If she isn’t perfect, she’s failed. 

At the end of A:TLA, Ozai forces her to stay behind in the Fire Nation. He says it’s because they need a Firelord because he will be leaving. Azula is disappointed to not partake in the final battle, but it’s what her father wants, so she obeys. However, he only leaves her so that he can become the supreme leader of everyone, or “Phoenix King”.  Azula doesn’t really get a promotion, just a fancy name. In the finale, she is shown as her mental state quickly deteriorates. Her perfect image is gone, her hair is not up, her makeup undone, and she is paranoid that everyone is out to get her. This is the beginning of her breakdown. When she is unable to put her hair up by herself, she cuts her bangs. Her hair is all of a sudden asymmetrical, which is unheard of. She then starts to hallucinate. By the time she fights Zuko and Katara she is extremely unstable, and the fact that she can actually still bend is incredible, because it requires control of your emotions. She instead manages to use her emotions to fuel her bending. At the end when she is defeated, she finally breaks. Her bending is out of control, and she is left screaming and crying. 

Azula never had anyone  take her under their wing and give her the recognition she craved. Zuko had Iroh. Bellatrix had Voldemort. If Azula had been introduced to someone like Voldemort she would have gone down the same path as Bellatrix. Likewise, if Bellatrix hadn’t been introduced to Voldemort she would have ended up broken just like Azula. Their stories aren’t identical obviously, but there are some strong parallels that place them together, so I can see them as the same person with different outcomes to their story.

Does this stupidly long character analysis have any significant purpose? Nah, not at all. But like… I’m clearly right so… yeah.

[techtomorrowland]

A Hello

First off, I had war flashbacks during the entire creation process of this account. Tumblr is a nebulous corner of the internet, one that I wanted to leave behind with every other mortifying thing I did as a teenager.

Yet here we are.

This time there will be no fandom-posting or anon ask games. No, I’m an adult doing serious work now here on tumblr dot com.

This blog, made specifically for a communications course on the future of media, exists in irony. I know my professor knows what he’s doing when he makes “create and maintain a tumblr blog for the semester” an assignment. I believe he thinks this is funny. I also agree with him if he does.

Enough. My name is Sarah, I’m 23, and I am a Master’s student in the Newhouse School at Syracuse University (newhouse.syr.edu, for those inclined). There are precautionary tales warning people of plainly sharing the information I just gave on the internet. It seems everyone is scared of what might happen online, the dangers of internet’s many unknowns. My most formative years have been spent online. I’m not scared of the people on the internet. I’m scared of the corporations that increasingly gain more control of our habits and information, and then exploiting us for a profit. It’s not a complete unknown. Corporations show us jargon-filled warnings openly saying that they’ll be tracking our online moves and using that data for their own reasons. This is a completely different can of worms.

No professor wants to hear that a student is taking their class to fulfill some sort of degree requirement set by the university. My professor (hello specifically to you, Sean, if you’re reading this) is lucky. I’m not taking this class to fulfill a degree requirement. I’m in this class because the school would not let me take the online social media night class that I wanted to take.  I love media, I think it’s fascinating, I want to see what happens next. Hearing stories about the early days of the internet is so exciting for me. Technology is so vast and manifests itself in an incredible number of ways, to the point that it is almost unimaginable to me what is in store for the future of tech. I’m hoping this class helps me to actualize where we’re heading in the fields of media and technology. I hope that it gives me a foundation that allows me to stay well-involved in these fields as they progress. And, as always, I’m hoping for some new networking opportunities.

I’m from Tennessee, I did my undergraduate studies at the University of Tennessee, Knoxville where I majored in journalism and electronic media and minored in Arab studies. For awhile I was certain I wanted to go into international journalism and report abroad or on foreign news. I even studied abroad in the Czech Republic and took a course specifically on how to be a foreign correspondent. I connected with journalists at the Reuters bureau in Prague, as well as journalists from the BBC, CNN, and Radio Free Europe/Radio Liberty. Back in the states, I was a producer, writer, editor, etc for several campus television shows. It was fun and our equipment was so out of date. I put lower-thirds in our shows in real-time using a Chyron machine. Spending any time in the digital news center studio at Newhouse is streets ahead of what we had at UTK, and what most real newsrooms have. In the spring of 2020, I interned for Knoxville’s number one television station, WBIR Channel 10 News. It was a blast. And then the pandemic happened, which shifted my internship into a completely remote workflow. I went from jumping in station cars with reporters to check out a quarry blast to sitting in my parent’s house and writing the latest COVID-19 updates. I then graduated college via a slideshow set up on my laptop in my parent’s living room. It’s definitely a period of time that won’t be forgotten. Not long after graduation, I made the decision to move 800 miles away, in the middle of a pandemic, to start grad school. This was not a “oh no this global disaster has made it so that I don’t know what I want to do with my life,” situation. I had known since my first day of undergrad that I wanted to go to graduate school. I had done campus tours and gotten into every grad program I applied to, albeit moments before the pandemic’s onset. Going to grad school was part of my plans, whether a virus was around or not. I’m someone who sets longterm goals and works hard to stick to them. That’s why I’m here now. 

Throughout all of that, content creation was at the back of my mind. I love to edit video and create graphic designs and curate a social media presence. Because of those passions, my musician friends have designated me as their brand manager and let me handle their social media, promotions, and shows. I want to focus on social media and how it’s changing. I think it has a lot of power, but I also think that there are more advanced forms of social media coming. 

This is much longer than what was assigned, but I do like to talk. I’m looking forward to learning and predicting parts of the media future.

[im-the-punk-who]

Yeah bro!!! Ship and let ship high five!! We all sail under the black and we all are here for Flint's freckled forearms 💙💙

Yeah! 

Also you didn't ask but you sent this as I was in the process of stepping off my soapbox so I'm going to step right back on for a second, for a slightly tangential but related note to my last post.

For me, accepting other people's opinion doesn't just mean ‘let them love the things you don't’, I think it also has to apply to letting people hate the things you love. Everyone has different experiences, and not all of those are good, but they are all real, and valid, and part of allowing each other the space to enjoy fandom is allowing each other the ability to not like something we like, and not shame them or force them to like it in order to be a ‘real fan’.

Fandom(not just BS but in general) lately has really seemed to latch onto this idea that anyone who holds a negative belief about a ship or character is an ‘anti’ and therefore is inherently wrong, or misunderstands why people like a certain character or ship, or that they just ‘don’t understand or haven’t watched the show correctly.’

Anon, I have watched Black Sails seven times all the way through and written at this point about 100k of meta - including a significant amount about John Silver. I understand deeply and intimately why just about everything happens in the show(again, as I personally understand it, but, y’know), and I especially understand why John Silver does the things he does. I have been, I have lived with, and under, and around John Silvers. I get it. I understand. I also still can’t fuckin’ stand the guy, lmao. And it’s not because I don’t understand his motivations, or haven’t considered why he does things, or because I just hate him because, or even that I can’t empathize with him. It’s because his personal values and motivations don’t line up with mine, and that ruins my enjoyment of content including him. That’s it. I think he’s an incredibly well written character, and I also have a mild panic attack when I think about engaging with anyone who acts like he does in certain parts of the series, and whom I would gladly cross the street to punch.

That doesn’t mean that I begrudge people who do enjoy Silver-centric content(and listen I am not perfect. I do sometimes slip on this. It’s a process, lmao.) but it also to my mind means that I expect the same effort from his fans to allow me my thoughts and feelings.

And that can be really hard. Cuz, to paraphrase a popular post, sometimes the way that people characterize my favorite lil’ dude makes me very angry. 

Especially if it's a character that you care deeply about and identify with really strongly, it can be hard not to take hate and criticism of them personally. But it’s important to realize that just because someone doesn’t like your favorite character, it doesn’t mean they don’t like you, or the part of you that you associate with that character.  

And honestly, even if it does mean that? That’s okay. 

Just because we’re all in the same fandom doesn’t mean we all have to get along and be buddies. We can dislike each other, we can bicker, we can disagree and dislike and sometimes straight up hate each other. We’re people. We’re people!!! We’re imperfect and sometimes we can’t help that other people’s opinions make us angry.

But what we can do is try to remember that we are all here because we love the show and had a deep and personal connection to it. None of us is spending our quarantine on tumblr-dot-com blogging about Black Sails at all hours of the day because we thought it was just ‘okay’.

(Obviously this is all assuming we’re not talking about the kind of hate where people harass other people’s inboxes, vague about them in the tags, or insult them personally etc. I’m talking about when someone posts a negative or critical post strictly about the character themselves or a frustration they have with canon/fandom portrayal.)

Everyone forms their own opinion about how they view media based on their own personal experiences and how they interact with media in general - and just because mine lead me to a certain conclusion and someone else’s lead them to something different, it doesn't necessarily follow that my conclusions are any more or less valid. Someone without similar experiences is probably going to pick up on different things - and will probably miss a lot of the things I pick up on because they aren’t consciously or subconsciously looking for them! 

And just because I’ve done more(or less! although....yeesh) research and thinking and talking about the show, it doesn’t mean that someone who has watched the show once and decided that was enough for them and reached a different conclusion is necessarily wrong. If they don’t want to do the 18 month deep dive I have, it’s my responsibility to accept that. Now, I might start a discussion about things I’ve noticed that might change their mind, but I’ve got to be prepared for the possibility they might not interested in that discussion.

And in that case, to quote Marcus Aurelius: Ain’t shit I can do about it. I’m only responsible for my own goddamn blog.

And again, this goes for both love and hate. There are people who hate my boy, my sun, the love of my entire heart, James McGraw. That’s cool. They’re blocked. They can stay in their fandom corner and I can stay in mine and we can just agree to cross the street if we end up on the same post.

Sorry to completely hijack your lovely ask to prattle, but this is really something I feel strongly about, because I feel like if we can all acknowledge that ‘don’t yuck my yum’ extends to more than just ‘you have to accept my ship as valid’ we’d have a lot less of the really yucky negative feelings that end up driving so many fans away.

[orrible-orrible-orrible]

Okay so first of all happy new year, may you achieve all your goals🎉💕 Second of all I may or may not have gone through your destiel tag and OMG YOU'RE SO FREAKING FUNNY honestly😂😂 Yes I'm sending you an ask just to tell you this because your tags made me laugh A LOT and Cas hasn't even appeared on the show for me (im now on season 2 btw) but I feel like I'm gonna SUFFER. Well rip me I guess, but I will watch it till the end for sure. Thank you again for telling me to go for it😄

Oh my gosh hello. Tumblr dot com betrayed me and I did not get a notification for this :(

Happy New Year to you too. I hope it's a warm, loving and kind one.🌸🌸🌸

Ngl, I feel very flattered. Everytime I am called funny, it always validates me to my core and makes me all mush inside so thank you. Mwah. I will try my best to keep you smiling.

Aaah, the Destiel tag is just one way road to crazy ville aboard the pain train innit?!? What can I say, I love me some angst and pain. The meta about this show is honestly the best part though and I can't wait for you to get all of that and enjoy it. It's a very special kind of brain rot.

Also season 2 is the first season, I sobbed. Let's see how it goes for you?! Also what are your thoughts on J*hn W*nchester? Please tell me you also think he is abhorrent. That is the only character analysis allowed for him.

You will suffer but like me you will be happy about it. (That sounds so ominous we-)

[deathww1sh]

just. fucking venting it’s too long for twitter

I’ve been so careful all my life about who gets to be romantically/sexually involved with me, to the point where I waited until I was 22 to let anyone even see me with my clothes off all the way

no wonder I’m so fucked up over what happened; this guy left me at the bar after chewing up my neck to the point of bruising the very second he realized he wasn’t gonna get this pussy, and then spent the next three days making it all about himself and rationalizing his behavior. literally--like he actually *went to therapy* and all this shit, like it’s revolutionary to seek help when you realize you have a problem This was after he tried worming his way into my life when I worked at a cafe, and repeatedly came back to the cafe I FUCKING WORK AT after being TOLD I DIDNT WANT TO SEE HIM..... like the staff clearly don’t fucking like you either, a person who works here literally told you to stay away, and you’re gonna keep coming because you “want to enjoy the space” 

AND NOW HES COMING TO MY FUCKING HOUSE

of course I’m fucked up over this, I’m allowed to be fucked up over this, I have such a bad habit of saying to myself “this isn’t bad enough to throw a fit over”

I was fucking violated and then reminded very rudely of that violation, of course I’m upset, oh my god

If it was a cis-het white man pulling this shit on me, every single person in my personal circle would be coming down upon him like a ton of bricks, but because he’s first nations and gender-nonconforming, he gets a pass. Not just from other people’s judgement, but from me as well I realize; I wouldn’t have even given him the second chance I did if he was a cis man. I’m so desperate to have queer friends, or find someone who understands me, I was willing to put up with this shit

He called it a “relationship” ???????????????????? We went on two “dates” and I paid for fucking everything, and he talked forever about how he wanted to take things slow--we fucking hung out for a month

I know for absolutely certain he thought he could worm his way into my house. He’s said TO MY FACE “you’re kind of a wuss” repeatedly, he KNOWS I’m a pushover and he KNOWS he could take advantage of me. This disgusting fucking creep continues to violate me even after I blocked him on everything

My fucking house. my fucking yard. This place is my safe haven and he fucking came here, he lied to my fucking mom and said “I must have just missed him” like we had plans--YOU FUCKING DICK. IT’S FATHERS DAY. JUST BECAUSE YOU DON’T HAVE A DAD DOESN’T MEAN I’M NOT CLOSE WITH MINE. I PLANNED TO BE OUT UNTIL 11 PM YOU FUCKWIT. I’m so fucking mad. I literally want to self-harm I’m so fucked up about this

I just want to feel valid in feeling like I was... like, taken advantage of, and now I’m having a trauma-response reaction to it lmfao fuck I want to puke. I never want to open up to anyone, ever again, ever, I don’t want to give anyone a chance. This is literally worse than any of the shit my ex pulled and he pretended to be invader zim so he could shit on me through discord. I’ll take kinnie shit over this any day, what the fuck

idk why I’m coming to tumblr dot com for validation about this considering literally no one interacts with my posts here, no one reads these--maybe that’s kind of why? Maybe I just need to get this out somewhere

I’m just...................... oh my god. Oh my god. There’s no one I can fucking talk to about this unless I go to a therapist and there’s a fucking pandemic happening. I feel like he just fucking planned this to get under my skin and cause mayhem because he freely admitted before this he likes to poke the bear

and I can’t do fucking anything about it. What am I gonna do, block him? I tried that. Call the police?? I live on 32 street the police don’t fucking care about me. I don’t even know what fucking name/address I’d give them for a restraining order, if it comes to that. It’d be just like him to also not take the hint this time considering this is the third fucking time I’ve had to tell him to scram

Third fucking time.