#i am not here i do not exist--not today anyway
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Okay, but do people not understand that some people love to spend time with the children of the people they care about?? That people can love kids who are not their own?? This whole weird fucking narrative that keeps getting spouted in this fandom about how Eddie is supposedly a bad friend because he "uses Buck as a babysitter" is so fucking obnoxious. First of all, Buck "babysitting" is not actually something we see all that often in canon at all.
But also, spending time with a kid you love while helping out a friend you love is not a fucking burden, and it is kind of infuriating that people treat it that way.
#my best friend is not 'using' me because she needs asks me to watch my nieces#i love those kids with everything i am it is not a fucking burden to spend time with them it is an absolute joy#so i am probably biased#but i would argue that is very much how buck sees spending time with christopher#and also this attitude that parents should do everything completely on their own and never ask for help in general is so damaging#we should care about the people we love and we should be happy to help them#acting like people are selfish for needing support is such a terrible way to view existence#and i know i'm technically talking about fictional characters here but this is how so many people seem to view actual people now too#and it is so very sad to see#anyway#that's my controversial opinion for today i guess#911 discourse
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me having gone to bed at 6 am every day for the past week and generally spiraling mentally while rotting in bed waking up this morning: a 4 mile hike in the heat is a really good idea right now, and while we're at it let's start like 3 art projects
#maybe my mom was onto something all these years telling me i'm bipolar#no i don't think i am but i do technically have a bpd diagnosis so like. mood swings up the fucking wazoo are not new#but i am not one to be like 'exercise will fix me'#i've also just come to terms recently with the fact that i didn't kill myself already so might as well start thinking of the long term#so not being in constant pain when im older is something im actually thinking of now#so like. gotta move more which i was doing during this semester! walking like 3 miles a day which didn't help brain but#it's gotta be good for you anyway even if i don't get the endorphins everyone says you get when working out#that's neverrrr been me bc also chronic illness w exercise intolerance#so it's like. wah i have a desire to move my body more and know it's beneficial#but chronic illness + mental illness + trying not to think about exercise in terms of weight loss bc i'm trying not to make that the goal#although certainly wouldn't be mad if that was the result but if i prioritize it over just overall health it's gonna make me obsessive#i'm saying a lot of words. i have no one to really talk to so i once again come to tumblr as a public diary#ANYWAY. trying to find balance with wanting to exercise for overall well-being but dealing with other factors like chronic illness#which has actually been under the most control it's been in years i barely even consider myself (physicslly) disabled these days#and also balancing the fact that while my disordered eating has never recovered and i still have extremely bad relationship with myself#im in a relatively better place with that. i'm not starving myself and im not going through binge/purge cycles#but my relationship with food and eating is still very much unhealthy#and i don't think that will ever really change bc it's so ingrained in the everything about me#i don't really know what i'm talking ahout anymore or what prompted this#i can't simply just say 'i'm gonna go for a hike today' and be normal about. always gotta psycho analyze myself#im in a very weird stage in my life where i feel like i have control over nothing and i barely even exist in my own body#im just like a cacophony of voices trapped inside a meat suit but im not in the drivers seat im stuffed in the trunk and tied up#and the guy driving is an old blind mind who should have lost his license his ass is NOT road safe!#so it's like i have all these ideas and desires and feelings and ahh!! but hey i'm locked up here let me out please#and also the state of the world. so bleak and hopeless and paralyzing that i've just kind of shut my feelings off so i'm rapidly switching#between numbness and overwhelming agony#what the fuck am i talking about
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why did glowing mushroom mixins go up to 4.5m, the update literally changed nothing. they last exactly as long, do the same thing, and are crafted with the same materials 😭
#man dont make me craft all that myself just to save a few coins. i crafted one once. it is TEDIOUS that was horrible i hated it#at least i have 2 brewed god pots left but i wanna keep one if i can since they dont exist anymore lol#anyways i am going to bed soon i am tired and sore from work today so i cant stay up as late as i was hoping >:(#20% to fishing 45 SOON SOON GOOD ARMOR SOON !!!#im almost fishing 50... what the hell do i do after that-#FORAGE??? i'll die#back on that extremely slow dungeons grind i guess kjfhkg#ehh i always have lil things to do here and there. but i like leveling skills i miss it :'(#the pain of having nearly maxed skills#you couldnt pay me to start a new profile tho i dont like early game lmao#bingo is on THIN ice#chat#sb
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I’m fairly new to the fandom, but I do have a question if you can answer it! Why do people ship Daigo with Aoki / Masato? I tried looking to see if they’ve interacted before, but couldn’t find anything! Sorry for asking I’m just </3 dumb AND I LOVE YOUR ART OF THEM!!! Nerd looking ahhhhhh
hi ! welcome to the community i hope you're having a lovely time so far and ty for enjoyin my stuff :) no need for apologies it's a very fair question to have :]
i cant speak for everyone (all. ten people into masadai anyway) but Personally To Me i just think the idea of them together is very funny. thats quite literally it im afraid..
#snap chats#//twenty page google doc in the background// ignore that. it's mostly for comedic purposes#might also be my fault idk sorry about that. allegedly. idk ive had like three people tell me they started to ship them cause of me 🧍♂️#@mementoasts is another person who's drawn masadai and whose stuff i love and am inspod by .. i love their disneyland fic sm ...#there was another artist on twitter who posted a neat drawing of them but i cant remember who they were and i didnt bookmark it //screams//#recently there's been ANOTHER masadai artist ive started following on twitter - @wifekiryu. his account's n/s/f/w fyi before you go looking#he has a tumblr too @foxdies. i say cause i realized as much recently vjeaKLGJALKGJ#oh but I GUESS ill get deeper into why. /i/ personally ship masadai or whatever#first off they're opposing factions yet their character alignments Do Not Match their roles. stereotypically anyway#aoki who leads the 'surface' of society and is meant to be an admirable figure and someone 'just' when really. he sucks LMAO#though that's not atypical of politicians but just from a stereotypical This Is A Respectable Individual perspective of his role#daigo on the other hand leads the 'underbelly' of society- yk comprised of dangerous criminals and outcasts and whatnot#yet as we know him daigo's compassionate and considerate of his men- he doesnt treat them like tools like aoki does#if put in a room with the two daigo would be most people's choice of person to hang out with. probably open a trapdoor on aoki tbh#and i think thats really cool and epic i always love that kinda Subverting Expectations thing#theres also the fact they both started off like. edgy/angsty in the franchise and then brush up down the line#masato does a stronger 180. publicly. obviously but its still really funny they both have to get their act together#if you wanna talk about in-text reasons. there really is none LMAO I TELLS YOU masadai is pure crack#but if i wanted to pull a muscle reaching then there's daigo being on aoki's side while everyone else is on arakawa's during the funeral#im lying of course. mitsu was behind him. rgg tryna make me forget mitsu exist .... put him back in y8 ....#and ofc ichi joins that side to even out the seating but moving on another Goofy Reason is arakawa being like#'the chairman and my son are like p much the same age Surely he knows how he thinks :)'#and then i just think daigo being all smarmy about outsmarting aoki is really goofy and im choosing to interpret that as personal#they both also have issues with their dad. s. dad/s/. anyway.#tbh the google doc tag was a joke but i really could sit here and list every dumb reason why i think theyre funny together#like i started going over the tag limit so uhhhh yeah needless to say i have a lot of. dumb reasons 💀💀💀💀#one day ill use the main text for long rambles like this but todays not that day Point Is my imagination is rampant im afraid#so the short and sweet of it is I Think It's Funny. And They'd Be Terrible Together. Which Is Why It's Funny.#and the unfortunate part is anything i find funny i obsess over for a year so. //gestures to the mountain of bullshit thats my masadai tag/
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i had a dream last night that there was an alternate cut of the NME Poll Winner's Concert (1965) that captured different angles of the bands performing and the Animals' portion of the show was an unchanging, straightforward shot of the whole band and i could see each and every moment Alan looked up at Eric (no jump cuts required) 😔🙏
#i have no idea how many times i've posted images/gifs of alan at nme 1965 looking at eric at this point b u t 😔🙏 i will do it forever#this really puts into perspective how little animals footage there is out there featuring alan in the band 😔😔😔#the fact that i've having dreams about an alternate cut of footage we ALREADY HAVE IN ITS ENTIRETY#i don't mind though........ any extra price-burdon footage i can witness would mean the world to me#i mean the current edit of nme 1965 footage is honestly really good and it *is* obvious that alan is looking at him#just..... imagine if they were actually on screen together.......#(yes i am projecting what i saw in the british film institute here it opened my eyes to a world of softness i always knew existed.......)#more posts to remind connie to UPDATE THE ALAN AND ERIC ESSAY#anyway i find it so so sooooo interesting just how often alan looks at eric when performing with him....#he usually keeps his eyes closed or when his eyes are open it's to direct his band members or orchestra#but with eric it's just watching *him*. enjoying performing with *him*. wanting to keep an eye on *his* interpretation and pace of the song.#ooHHHhHHHhH IT MAKES MY BRAIN IMPLODE. IN A GOOD WAY.#they have been keeping my brain active and happy amidst filling in for a bunch of people at work <3#which i enjoy doing because i like my coworkers b u t it's nice to relax and think about Animal amidst it all as well......#wheeee.. time to work on my animals in americ poster..... think about price-burdon more..... UPDATE MY ESSAY. PLEASE CONNIE.#alan price#eric burdon#the animals#things i said today
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i want to say the wildest thing about wish is that disney fully funded and released a movie where the bad guy could basically be a metaphor for the disney company. but it's even wilder because they funded and released it as their celebratory 'we're 100 years old and we're soooo great' movie. and what's even wilder than that is that their 'we're 100 years old and we're so great movie', which features a bad guy who is basically a metaphor for their company, was a flop
#i saw it today! as critical as i am of disney as a company i do really love their animated movies#HOWEVER#I was dubious going into this bc it was so universally hated but like..... its really not that bad?#its not amazing either. like its no tangled or beauty and the beast or anything.#but ppl r out here saying its disney worst movie like theyve never seen home on the range or chicken little.#also lots of ppl doing very poor analysis of a film that is really not that deep or layered tbqh#also lots of ppl being just straight up racist! you can critique a movie and its main character without being racist. it IS possible u know#anyway im rambling but this whole thing is just so funny to me#also ftr though im not sure the movie itself deserves all the hate its gotten i do think it is time for disney to fall from grace#im sorry it happened with a movie that doesnt totally deserve it but if their 100 year celebration movie being panned#doesnt force them to make good movies again then nothing will. 🤷🏼#i also wouldnt cry if they died as a company but i think thats really unlikely.#so if theyre going to keep existing the least they can do is make good movies.
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been blurry & dissociated practically all day, feeling doesn't abate after 2nd round of auditions, get home. new guy shows up. what the fuck
#bluplural#🤘#anyway hi!!!! i don't know what the hell is happening right now#well i mean i do in a literal sense because our memory sharing is decent enough to get by even when i'm a brand new dude#but less literally i'm having a severe what the fuck moment#why are we stress splitting????? what the fuck!!!!!!!!!#anyway this is uhhh Bad i think#i don't like being in front can we have the other guys back#like ford he seems nice he seems a LOT LESS NERVOUS than i am!!!!#ugh this sucks randomly the host will just fucking dip and someone else gets to play ''pretend to be him'' and i'm stuck up here for-#-GOD KNOWS HOW LONG!!#trying to determine whether or not i'm a fictive of a character at the moment so names are hard#if i'm actingbased that barely makes any sense since round 2 of auditions ended TODAY and we haven't even tried to play my hypothetical-#-source yet!#so what the fuck!!!#am i an anxiety holder??? that seems right kind of#i'm very Tense. like my existence seems to be eternally stuck in panic attack mode#OH THANK GOD I THINK THAT;S FORD#THANK FUCKING GOD
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i think my need to write is to make my emotions beautiful, somehow. to excuse their existence by making it something others can enjoy, and in turn distance myself from their rawness. but a good writer probably still feels their emotions as they come and go, and doesn't immediately think about how to turn them into a product, about how to make them useful for others. they just feel for the sake of feeling. but i don't feel (ha) like I'm allowed to do that
#just a blurb of thought I'm having now at *checks clock* 8 am. cool#that post too is me trying to make things beautiful. sort of. like my thought process here is ''surely ppl will find this relatable'' heh#but the point of this post is at the end of the day i ultimately fail bc these aren't real emotions. they're just words playing pretend#mmmmm that's probably why theater is a repeating theme in my writing. everything has to be a show. entertainment for others#the first thing i wrote with this theme actually ends with ''if others don't want me here then why should i exist?''#it's honestly one of my favorite pieces of mine it's got some banger lines#anyway! forget about that poor son of a bitch! how's everyone doing today 🔥
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There are just so many people and it's all so much and there's just so many and i just want to go home
#retail is an inhumane torture device i wouldn't wish on anyone#i cannot imagine this job not making anybody despair of life itself#'you're a newlywed you should be happy!' yeah i am when I'm not frickin HERE#screaming crying tearing biting weeping and gnashing of teeth#i so desperately need to escape this but things just keep not working out#i exist only to suffer#i just want to spend time with my husband#anyway yeah I'm on lunch break and I'm Doing Well Today
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I would like to hear. about the game
i have definitely told you about some of the ocs for the game a while ago [mostly scar if you remember him] but sure thing!
what type of game it's supposed to be has changed a few times with it originally being more visual novel/point and click but i am recently leaning much more to a more rpg approach. either way you play as robin, a young person living in the blue district who has a hobby of exploring the wastes. you will also meet characters such as clementine, scar, crow, and dove [as well as more character i should probably make] as robin and their new companions try to get to the bottom of what happened to this city 50 years ago to cause it to become the dystopia it is now. anyways i keep focusing i thinking up fun little game mechanics instead of the plot. i want the characters to be very distinct and also to have fun bonding mechanics for the characters. here is some misc stuff.
#i do need to do updated character profiles since everyone's is kinda old again#these characters have all existed for a while at this point so ive talked about them all at different points on here#i've just been letting this just sorta marinate in my brain until one day where i am confident enough to actually maybe start making it fr#the notes app stuff is all from today tho cause i was thinking about it#i do have more stuff somewhere if you are really interested#anyways thank you for the ask btw!#answered ask#theommune#klepto rants about ocs
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People really think trust issues are just "aww they're scared of love" and it's like bitch no. Trust issues as in I'm deeply in love and the issue is I'm waiting for you break my heart after undergoing periodic abuse in relationships. I'm not scared of love I'm scared of what you'll do with it.
#ahahahaha anyways. ranty time in the tags wheeee#paranoia has been terrible today. everyones mood is off. everyones acting different. everyones acting colder. they hate me im sure of it#and all this stuff i want to be happy i just know is gonna be ruined or left with tainted memories now and its my fault#but maybe its not because why the fuck cant you be consistent. why is it so touch and go#i support ppl through the worst parts of their lives and when i need the support nobody is there#i will literally take time off work to be with someone if theyre having a hard time but me? cant even afford more than three words#im sick of being told i love you and finding no proof outside empty words. i sure as hell dont feel fucking loved. everyone is lying#it's just like my ex. he smothered me in love to cover up the major lack of actually viable love#empty words make me sick to my stomach now. everyones a fucking liar and i dont get why the wont just tell me the truth!#if im such a burden then just fucking say it! if im horrible to be around tell me! how am i supposed to every grow if nobody tells me#i just wanna be loved and not unconditionally. i want to be loved by choice. i want someone to choose me despite everything#i want someone to love me to every little detail and hold my hand even when im at my lowest and just UNDERSTAND#i want someone to love me wholeheartedly and think about me as much i do them. i want the little gestures and the sweet things i do#but here i am. always the one carrying everything and putting in all the effort. when was the last time someone really liked me.#when was the last time i existed in someone elses head. when was the last time someone cared enough to check on me. to do something?#this savior mentality is gonna kill me but im only being straightforward when i say i cannot pull myself from this alone. i am so weak#and god im fucking tired#spent at least two hours straight sobbing while regressed because even as a kid i cant outrun this#and im just getting sicker. i cant sleep. cant eat. cant stay warm. feel like im slowly fading away#and nobody even cares. its so fucking selfish and childish but my whole life ive screamed for help and nobody has seen me#do i have to become another number in the statistics for you to care? or would you even care when i die?#because at this rate i dont even need to try. my heart hasn't slowed in three days. i think i really am dying#sad thoughts#vent blog#sad blogging#vent#vent post#venting#actually mentally ill#actually traumatized
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~ ~ ~
#what gets me isn’t that you didn’t come over like you said you would or help us like you promised#in a way it’s not even that you barely spoke to me or partner at all despite calling and texting you multiple times to find out what was#going on because let’s be honest I’m used to that kind of shit from you by now#no I think what really gets me is that I told you I was having a shitty day and needed a friend and you just went silent on me#couldn’t even ask what was wrong or check up on me to see if I was ok later or anything just flat out ignored me as if I didn’t exist#after all the times I’ve done so much for you and let you vent and been here for you on the bad days when you said you felt like drinking#again and let you cry with me and was just what I would consider a good best friend#on the one day I really needed others to show me that I mattered in some way and am not irredeemable or worthless or bad#you’ll say I’ve got friends but then when I ask my friend to come around I don’t even get an acknowledgement of any kind#and I just wonder what the point is. why call someone your best friend if you’re going to just treat them like shit anyway? and why should I#bother doing so much when I won’t get anything in return for it? even just some common decency would have been appreciated today#and yes I have my partner and they’re trying to help me feel better and make me laugh and all of that but I kind of needed more than one#person to care about me today. I needed to know that I’m worth something to more than just the person I’ve devoted my life to because your#partner can’t be your whole world that’s just not healthy you know? I need friends too but he’s nowhere to be found#I just want a best friend who actually wants to be that for/with me#personal
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love being nd and have the tism wolf Inside me be so drastically uncomfortable with uncertainty that i physically cannot think about school and having to deal w the unknown of that whole situation without losing 5lbs in 2 days
#the club ppl are meeting abt stuff for when school starts and just the reminder of school starting is enough to make me lose all appetite#i had to text a friend and ask him if he could help be there for me when i move in bc of how the situation stresses me out lmao#asked another friend if i can go to their place if i can't take it at the start of the semester#they are so sweet to me 😭😭😭 they haven't moved yet but they told me if they have an extra copy they'll give me their spare keys#but i genuinely go blank in the mind and go catatonic when i think abt. living situations next year bc i gen don't know what the vibe is#it's like probably not gonna be so bad and ik i have the capability to deal w all the scenarios but not knowing what to expect. kills me.#I'd genuinely be okay if i have to pretend i don't live there and i don't exist and get ignored!! i just need to know that now Thanks!!!#but tryin my best to not be reminded i have to deal w this in 2 months but my supervisor mentioned the campus today and now i can't eat lma#he was like u don't even need to go back to campus and im holding everything back to not be like. just take me as a full time worker.#i love school actually. i love learning. i just. thinking abt my living situation and not knowing what to expect when i have to inevitably#. face. my ex. makes me want to shrivel up and die. like icb i have to do this. like really my ex is the most harmless person ever but stil#how do you ever really. look your ex in the eyes ever again anyway. no matter the circumstances of it ending like it's gonna be so awkward?#and it's the avoidant in me and the avoidants I've dated but. I've never had a normal relationship w/ an ex afterwards lmao#but Each time I've ended things they ended at a spot where i didn't have to ever run into them ever again. so. i am not equipped for this.#And I Missed The Room Swap Date and The Regret is Eating me Up like i ugh i can't do this i don't i don't#It might be pessimistic of me but i don't think whatever will ever be resolved i don't think she'll ever want to talk abt it#and if Those are the starting conditions god forgive me if all i want is to get out of here like#if we're never gonna address or resolve anything then at least just let me have it out of sight out of mind#and I'll pretend it'llnevercome up ever again!! I'll rewrite my memories and just run the fuck away!!#my friend is going thru a more severe case of anger n self blame n how could i let them do this to me and im glad i don't feel it that bad#all i have is debilitating fear lmao so I'm just! trying not to think about anything!! i have so much fun and I'm so busy so why do i still#ugh anyway i hate nightmares and autism i really dgi i can deal with any situation so why do i still dread#delete later
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#lol I got scared and thought my therapist was ghosting me#and i think i accidentally annoyed her because i messaged her Monday because I was trying to get an appointment last week but she was on#vacation and she didn't reply so i messaged her again today because i kind of urgently need an appointment because i am suicidal and having#thoughts about self harm big time and idk the way she replied just felt Off™ to me from normal you know but also could just be the rsd#the rsd which is exacerbated by these thoughts and feelings I'm having so like it's probably fine but my anxiety is through the roof and I'm#not taking my meds because lol idk. so like i just don't want to take them even though i know i should but i literally don't want to do#anything and it's a challenge to just get up and go to work like idk I'm trying not to call out because i keep doing that because i keep#having mental health issues and such but like this is the worst I've been in literally years#i am absolutely suffering in my own mind right now and if it wasn't for my family and the few friends i have and my dogs I'd probably#literally just end it all right now. like I'm not going to probably but like#idk i made a handful of suicide attempts when i was s teenager and obviously they all failed and i can't think of a painless way to die#and i don't have access to anything that would take me out quickly like a gun so like idk whatever i guess. I'm just here to suffer and be#miserable but it's probably what i deserve anyway tbh so like no big deal but like idk. just tired of life. i fail all the time. i fail at#work i fail in my relationships i fail my pets i fail my family i fail my friends it's all im good at is failing#tbh didn't even think I'd make it past 18 but now I'm approaching my mid twenties and I'm just kind of here doing whatever you know#I'm gonna go get high i think. need a fridge in my room for beer so I don't have to go get drunk at the bar#I'm broke anyway not like i can hop over there but also it's late and i have to sleep i guess for work that i have to force myself to go to#what a sad existence
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i did lots of laundry today and i am changing my sheets and i would like a little bit of gentleness from the universe
#like ok goddamn. ig ill send in a job application or a few. WHAT DO U WANT FROM ME!!!!!!!!#what they dont tell you is the post-friends-hangout-depression is much worse when you see them like thrice a year#before i wouldve had close friends to spend my time with.... but alas. but im still here and breathing nonetheless so i need the world to#take it easy on me#in my pursuit of opening a can of olives the can opener pinched me hard as hell#and i was only getting olives because my coffee machine decided it doesnt know how to heat water anymore#and i was gonna have tea because i couldnt think of anything else to have and just wanted something sweet#i also cleaned the litterbox and basically i actively existed today#doesnt a man deserve a little treat for that#i even got up at noon#and my dads gf :pensive: is still here#auuuauuauauauauurrghhghhhhghhhgh#its kind of funny that my dad expects me to be bffs with her like dawg even with our closest relatives i am extremely awkward and uncomfy#like ive grown to love my aunt! i still would really rather not be around her for the regular 2 hours of visiting time!#i will not speak to her directly! i will speak very very minimally and it will not be to her. and its been this way all my life#extreme introvert in a family of extreme extroverts moment#anyways. the pain in my body from Going Out is also very very intense#im not much of a headaches man and they really trigger my hypochondria#so having one for the past few days has not been optimal. been doing a lot of laying down#they dont know it is messed up that i get the post-hangout sadness and post-hangout pain that takes me out for days#my friends are moving on in their lives and making progress and looking towards the future :(#i am so happy for them. but also what the hell am i doing#i have to pee. i really dont wanna get up. uuurgrghrgrhh.. i ate all my olives. they were good#20yrs on this hell of an earth with absolutely no purpose nor direction but at least there is black olives
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venting in the tags yippeee
#damien.txt#gender talk time 🤪✌️#....................................................................................#screaming crying throwing up rolling around on the ground <- said completely deadpan#uhm. as always. thinking abt gender. and questioning. my whole life. bc. i cant stop doing that#soooooo like. my big thing. abt gender. is as much as im like. he/they-ing it here and irl. its kind of... complicated?#as ive gone on ive realized more and more that i dont. really. feeling Anything towards those pronouns#neither do i she/her. or they/them.#and just generally the whole Concepts of male/female? so like. im always like hmm. whats happening here#and other completely incoherent statements djbdhdbf sorrry anyways#i keep having these moments where im like. hmm. maybe. im leaning too hard into the masc. maybe i am not. he at all.#but ive like. really full committed to the bit yknow? like esp irl. all the ppl ive introduced myself to in the last 2 years have known me#as 'he'. and as someone who wears mostly masc clothing and generally attempts to present masc#and like. i bought a skirt a while ago and i was trying it on today and i was like oh. wait.#and before u @ me i KNOW!! clothing does not equal gender!! but there was just something abt it#and recently (the past like. year lmao) ive really been contemplating like. what i actually want out of transitioning or whatever#bc like. increasingly its become more obvious how... fucking difficult that is.#and the more i think abt it the more im like. bro its not even worth it for me? tbh? also like. sometimes i look in the mirror and am like#hmm. this does not feel better than it did when i hadnt transitioned at all. yknow?#like the last 10+ years ive been existing in this state w my body where im basically just. tolerating it. ignoring it. even.#and that hasn't... changed. after t. and ik thats not like the fix-all but its got me wondering if some of it/a lot of it#is just body dysmorphia? rather than dysphoria? bc like. god knows i have that too.#and just. idk. i feel Really Really anti-gender most of the time. would in fact. not like to be conceived of at all.#but on some level im trying to think abt it practically bc if that ^ is my thoughts on gender fr. i have to decide whats worth it#and like. i miss cool clothes. god men's clothing is so fucking boring. holy fuck.#and AGAIN i KNOW gender doesnt equal clothes but also like. i am Aware to the wider world it still works like that#and truly if i rocked up to work/class in a skirt everyone would be like What The Fuck#and i kind of want to!! but im also scared of that reaction lol#AHHHH why must gender be so complicated. i want to lay on the floor#lol there was literally more but i ran out of tags LMAOO sorry everyone. gender complicated. peace ✌️
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