#i am not fucking buying that (← ASTHMATIC)

[cappucosmico]

going to kill myself over the state of my wallet rn

[beast-feast]

If I see one more of them Plushie Dreadful things I'm blocking that account I swear to fuck

[godtears]

The last few days (minus yesterday, I only ate 903 yesterday) I've just barely managed to eat up to 1200 calories and I'm VERY proud of that. And some time last week I managed to just once, for the first time, eat 2000 calories. Which is AMAZING. But it made me feel so sick afterwards, I hated food so much.

I genuinely do not understand HOW you people can eat around 2000 calories a day????????? Do you eat like. Barrels of food? Do you eat things that are like calorie thick somehow? Like. The doctor I saw was like "you should at MINIMUM eat 1500 a day if you can't eat the required 1800-2000" and brother I can't even get that far majority of the days. And if I do get close to 1000 I feel so sick after. Hell, yesterday (Monday) I only ate 903 and I STILL felt sick after. I still feel sick right NOW and it's after midnight (technically Tuesday) and the thought of food feels disgusting. Like. I don't get it. I genuinely don't understand how people are able to eat more than what I can stomach. I feel like what I eat is a normal proper amount, since it makes me feel comfortable. But then I tell people what I've eaten and they're like "Dude wtf are you starving yourself?" and its like no I'm not!!! Why are you saying that!!!

I'm just baffled. I don't know what to do. But like!!! No one fucking believes me!!! Because they look at me and see that I'm fat and assume that I'm lying and that I overeat. That is such a bad problem that one of the doctors I saw gave me a hunger suppressant despite saying OUT LOUD "now I know you undereat BUT" like LADY if I'm UNDEREATING then WHY are you giving me a HUNGER SUPPRESSANT?

I don't know why I'm fat! Okay? I do everything I can to exercise anywhere from 30 minutes to 4 hours a day. That includes walking, carrying things, squats, bends, stretches, dancing, stairs, carrying things ON stairs, etc. I used to do PARKOUR as a kid and would be seen walking and running around and climbing trees for up to 12 FUCKING HOURS.

My diet has always been as healthy as I could make it despite not having a lot of money growing up. We were lucky to have family who grew their own fruits and veggies and would give us some. I only really ate fresh foods. I rarely really ate any junk growing up. I don't really like eating junk all that much now. Majority of my diet is vegetables. I eat small amounts because larger amounts make me sick. Sometimes I can manage bigger amounts, but at a cost.

So like. Why am I fat?! "oh PCOS makes you fat" okay but EVERYONE I've talked to says that even though I have PCOS I can still lose weight with diet and exercise. I took metformin to help with my insulin resistance from my PCOS. And the doctor told me "oh you lost 10 pounds! But you're not gonna lose any more. You're stuck like this forever." but WHY?! The only time I genuinely lost weight was when I would go without eating for 1-2 days at a time. Do I need to do that again? Like fasting? I don't know! I don't understand!

I just feel so miserable being like this. I can't fit into clothes I like. I can't fit into any of my clothes anymore. I can't really buy new clothes easily. No one takes me seriously, especially not doctors. I get harassed. I get stared at. I get judged. I get bullied. I can't do things normal people can. Fuck I'm asthmatic because of second hand smoking but people are blaming it on me being fat and bully me for being asthmatic! I can't be "queer enough" cuz I'm fat. Transphobes use my weight as an excuse to call me an "ugly predatory man". Someone told me that my daughter was going to kill herself because of how fat I was. I black out sometimes and people have brushed it off as being because I'm fat. I live with someone who constantly makes me feel worthless for so many reasons including because I'm fat. I can't live like this anymore.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

Today in things that scared the living shit out of me for a moment: fucking this.

It’s happened a couple of times before. I remember when I saw Russell Howard say this:

That scared me for about two seconds, before I remembered that all it meant was a writer on the show found a meme, probably didn’t even come across it in its original context, but worked out that it originated on Tumblr so they said that when they put it on the show. It’s fine. Russell Howard isn’t here.

When you go to David O’Doherty’s website and click on “future shows”, it leads here. By far, the thing that freaks me out the most about that is that it’s up to date. It was up to date the last time I checked it, and… yep, just checked it again, and it’s still up to date. His Tumblr account has one actual post from the beginning of the pandemic and besides that nothing since 2015, but he has been on here to update his tour dates. So that’s not great. I mean, I assume he goes straight to that page, updates it, and logs off. Probably. What the hell would he hang out Tumblr for?

When I first saw that DO’D had a Tumblr account, I did read all of his posts, and they’re quite entertaining, he threatened to buy a lion for someone in 2013. I almost hit “follow” because I’d like to see it if he makes another weird post, until I realized that would mean the next time he goes on there to update his tour shows, I’ll appear in his notifications. I would like to not do that, thank you. So obviously I didn’t, but it freaked me right out to realize how easily I could.

Chris Addison has a Tumblr account. He definitely doesn’t use it or anything, but it exists, and it also freaked me out when I discovered that.

I do not understand how people make posts about famous people on Twitter, knowing those actual people are on Twitter and might see the posts. I am on this website because the rest of the internet is under the impression that it died in about 2015. I use it to say things about famous people that they will never, ever see.

Anyway, the latest installment in my adventures of learning that Tumblr technically exists on the same internet that’s used by these famous people and it’s technically possible they could have been on it at some point – this latest installment might have freaked me more than any of the others. I know I said I was done with the Daniel Kitson radio episodes, but it turns out there was one episode I missed from his 2013 run. I wasn’t sure, at first, whether I had heard the episode and it was just mislabeled or deleted, or if I hadn’t heard it at all. I’m listening to it now, and can confirm that I have definitely never heard this one before. Because I would have fucking remembered that.

I don’t really know what the hell talking about in that clip, by the way. I’m pretty sure Tumblr was never a “.org” website. Obviously I checked to see if the account he mentioned is still there, and obviously it isn’t. Besides that, it’s a weird thing he discussed, but not that weird by his standards. Wanting to collect the sound of asthmatics’ breathing and thinking you could make music out of it sounds like a pretty standard Kitson thing.

I wasn’t that that freaked me out. Obviously that’s some shit he thought would be a good idea in the middle of the night in January 2013, and will have long since forgotten. He’s not still on here checking that account. It was just jarring to learn that he has ever heard of this website in any capacity. Because Daniel Kitson has a bunch of material about how much time he spends Googling himself, how he talks like he’s above social media because he doesn’t post on there, but he still searches his own name on Twitter all the time. Which is fine. You go right ahead and search your own name on Twitter, Daniel. Just don’t do it here. Because I have used Tumblr’s search function enough to know there are very few people on here who ever talk about him; if you search for Daniel Kitson’s name on this site, quite a few of the results are from my blog.

I’ll occasionally do a Google search for some niche Britcom-related thing that I want to know more about, and if it’s sufficiently niche, then the top few Google search results will include posts from my own blog. That always freaks me out too. Because what if the comedians suddenly start thinking about this niche thing that concerns them, and decide to Google it? What if David O’Doherty and Daniel Kitson do a Google search to see if that rap battle they did in 2003 is still on the internet, and learn that when you try to look that up, I am a significant part of the results? Because apparently, for some reason, not many other people are talking about the 2003 rap battle between David O’Doherty and Daniel Kitson.

I realize this is genuinely unlikely. I get a bit paranoid about it sometimes, and then I remember that there are thousands of people on Twitter actually wanting to get noticed by these people, and the vast majority of them will write Tweets that never get seen by the person in question. The internet is huge and no one is looking at this supposedly long-dead website. It’s fine. It’s all fine. I’m quite sure David O’Doherty is not actually going to search on Google in 2023 to see who’s talking about the Chocolate Milk Gang.

Seriously though, hearing the word “Tumblr” spoken in Daniel Kitson’s voice made my blood run cold for a moment. I prefer to imagine that Tumblr exists on an entirely different plane of reality from Daniel Kitson, that he uses a different internet where this does not exist. Go away, Daniel. There is nothing here for you. And if... I mean... in the extremely unlikely event that you somehow did manage to stumble upon... I mean... in the infinitesimal chance that... look, I can only apologize.

[starfanatic]

Luke Skywalker vs Rey... Nobody

I hate the argument that a lot of sequel trilogy stans use whenever anyone criticized Rey or labels her a Mary Sue. It’s probably the weakest argument a sequel stan can ever possibly say to me. (Besides the people hate Rey because she’s a women argument).

Lets compare them shall we?

Luke Skywalker in A New Hope is whiny, inexperienced, and very naive. There is multiple moments in a new hope that proves this. When he was whining about not wanting to stay on the moisture farm and wanting to join the Academy like his friend, Biggs. He constantly was slightly annoying throughout the film, especially to Han. When Han named his price and Luke was like “We can buy our own ship with that!” or when Han was flying the Milennium Falcon and Luke was practically yelling in his ear to go into hyperspace. Han and Luke did not get along at first because of Luke’s behavior. Luke went against Obi-Wan’s orders and saved Princess Leia, not thinking of the consequences. How he could possibly be killed or put in a cell with the Princess. He doesn’t think of a plan to get out AFTERWARDS only the spur of the moment. He was constantly shown to be inexperienced and needed his friends help or HE WOULD HAVE DIED THE FIRST MOVIE. While on the millennium falcon, Obi-Wan taught him things about the force. Maybe not a lot but he knew how to use the simple basics of it. Like sensing the force and letting it guide your actions (as Obi-Wan was trying to teach him before). For once Luke listened and trusted Obi-Wan and destroyed the death star.

Lets do Rey now WHOOP. So far the only personality flaw she seems to have is that she’s also naive? She had the same wide-eyed innocence as Luke had but it’s different and here’s why. Rey never suffers for any of her so-called almost non-existent flaws. Rey is experienced enough to hold her own in a fight against men WAY stronger then her (that’s realistic though but that’s one tool in her belt). She’s bilingual. She can fly the millennium falcon better then Han Solo even though she never flew one before. She is constantly saving people by herself, never the one being saved. (Before y’all bust my balls, Rey escaped that damn starkiller base by her damn self. Luke didn’t and couldn’t). She uses powers that takes years to learn and the excuse is the force dyad. So she downloads Kylo’s skills and training. Great. Magnificent. Rey is on a amazing start. And this is the first movie! She can only get stronger from here.

Luke is more mature and responsible in ESB. He’s a respected hero of the rebellion. Luke still struggles using the force. Even with the training Luke goes through with Obi-Wan he had to truly focus to pull the lightsaber to him. Plus as a common occurrence, he still needed help from his friends. He’s not invincible. He actually gets severely hurt (makes sense). He goes to Dagobah to get trained (because unlike Rey he doesn’t have the “learn force jedi shit that takes years to learn” cheatcode). And then he’s impatient. He wants to learn how to use the force so he can help his friends. Luke is again reckless, impatient, and he’s also insecure in his own belief. Him not believing he can lift the X-wing was why he couldn’t. Against his master’s and Obi-Wan’s orders he decides to save his friends. It’s a noble reason to but it still got him fucked up. He got his hand cut off, he was beaten and humiliated, and then he was told a horrifying revalation that twisted around everything he knew and believed. He was scared of Vader, you can see it on his face, but he did not succumb to fear.

Rey goes to the island to convince Luke to go help them fight the war. Why doesn’t Leia go instead? Who knows. Why does Luke act the way he does? Who knows. Luke dismissed her and was quite rude to her. Rey was having cute little talks with Kylie Renner in their little force dyad BS. She called him a monster and a murderous snake. I like the insults. It fills me with joy! But then she finds out the truth. Rey did do something reckless and stupid but as usual she doesn’t suffer the consequences to her actions. Technically she’s morally superior to Luke because she saw the good in him and felt like she could turn him to the light (after slicing his face open. Ok). Rey decides to give herself up to the First Order thinking Kylo would save her. And he does. So she wasn’t even wrong... Rey fight the very elite guards of the (bootleg emperor palpatine) Supreme Leader Snoke. Reminder, TFA and TLJ are like 3-4 days apart. She had zero training within these days. Luke refused to train her so don’t start that bullshit. Luke trained her for like 5 minutes and none of that training had anything to do with lightsaber dueling. Rey is then told she was a nobody. Now why did Rey cry about this? I truly don’t know. How the hell would Kylo accurately know that Rey’s parents were nobody? Didnt Rey been know this from the force awakens? Eh whatever. She tries to force pull the lightsaber from Kylo Ren and do a dumbass tug a war instead of walking up and grabbing it. It reminds me of JJ and Rian fighting over where the star wars sequels). Anakin must be screaming and yelling from above... or below... idk. The lightsaber then breaks. Rey then saves her friends by showing her once again superior piloting skills that rival or is possibly better then Anakin Skywalker himself. Hitting 3 in one shot? You go girl! She then uses the force to effortlessly move the big ass boulders out of the entrance to save the resistance. Last I remember... Luke struggled to do that with a few way smaller rocks and was also focusing hard to do.

Luke is finally at jedi status! Woohoo! Now Luke first saves Han from Jabba. It shows his very dark side tendencies by choking the guards (like father like son). Luke thinks of a actual plan before going in (CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT). Luke “Chanel Boots” Skywalker goes to Yoda on his death bed. All he wants is answers but Yoda wants to be cryptic as fuck. Luke has been lied to for years by his mentors and his family. Luke’s father isn’t hero Anakin Skywalker but actually a big, asthmatic, merciless, murderous asshole who has a choking kink. Luke then says he cannot kill his own father and Obi-Wan, who believes Vader isn’t a human but a machine, has no faith in Luke. He believes that Luke will fail and the Empire would win. Luke feels the conflict and good in him that nobody else does. He knows that Vader is unloyal to the emperor and he actually cares about his own son. When he is with Han and Leia he realizes he made a mistake and has a bad feeling about it. (*gasp* Luke is not being super reckless). He’s not arrogant (not in anyway) but he’s completely confident that Vader would turn. (He isn’t flawless there is still obvious problem with this plan he has. He fails, the empire wins. He dies, the emperor wins. Vader doesn’t turn, Luke fails. Luke almost succumbs to the dark side and it’s actually plausible he might fully turn. He wants to desperately save his friends and his father has done horrible things to Luke. Luke had every reason to kill Vader. But he doesn’t. He throws the lightsaber away and foolishly puts his life in Vader’s hand. Luke doesn’t save the galaxy because he can make things levitate with the force. He wins because he had the strength to resist the dark side and has so much love and pure good in his heart he saw the good in his father.

Rey starts off with a training session (no idc it’s too fucking late now. 3 movies in? Is she doing reverse character development?) and basically Poe gets mad at Rey for not accompanying them on missions. I still don’t know why she needs training, when she is at a decent strength to fight elite guards, fight kylo ren, and a variety of other things that typically takes a long time to learn. After finding out Palpatine returned, Rey goes on a mission to find the way finder almost like a shitty videogame. I don’t even want to talk about the force dyad anymore because it’s fucking dumb. Rey gets chased by the force order and hear this out, FORCE HEALS (i forgot what the animal was but idrc). Which means Rey had the power to stop the painful truth of death themself. Why am I not surprised? Rey did something that no other jedi nor sith or jedi have ever done this. Anakin went to the dark side to save the ones he love. This movie was just a slap in the face to Anakin. Rey then fights Kylo Ren and lost??? again it seems a little too late and it also didn’t make sense. Rey defeated those guards all by herself with Kylo needed help from her. She’s obviously the better lightsaber duelist but hey, at least JJ was trying to mellow her out a bit. Rey stabs him while our beloved Princess died. She then regrets her decision and as always, doesn’t have any consequence to her actions. By the force I forgot, the whole scene where she is revealed as a Palpatine? Completely invalidates the first two movies but eh whatever. She uses a power that only the elite sith does... something Kylo Ren himself could not do (and he’s on the dark side). Rey “killed” Chewie but actually no she didn’t because Chewie is perfectly fine. Rey is supposed to be all dark and edgy now, “you don’t know me” BS. Yeah I’m sorry I won’t tolerate this because my only allergy is the fish smelling coochie bullshit called the sequel trilogy. Rey got scared of her dark self. Well at least JJ tried? Rey then almost gives up but Luke was like “nah fam you cant”. Rey dies trying to fight Palpatine but then as usual, she gets zero consequence cuz Benny Simp saved her using the force. Then she kissed him... no. No. No. This made my eyes burn like they just threw bleach in my eyes. It made no sense. “A Kiss of Gratitude”? What the shit was that? GIRLS DO NOT INSPIRE TO BE REY.

[musamulta-aa]

Okay, cool, I wanted to be angry today. Yeah.

Rant below the cut due to possible triggers: domestic issues, suicide mention, finance issues, gaslighting mention, covid mention.

My mother needs to cut her fucking shit out. Seriously. She’s doing the same thing to my sibling that she did to me. The exact same thing. She doesn’t prioritize bills, buys a bunch of random shit. That’s exactly how we lost our fucking car a couple years back. It got repoed. And we faced eviction notices every. fucking. month. Because she can’t handle money. The woman owes me $8,000. She owes my sibling $5,000. That’s money I am well aware now that we will never be seeing again. 

It got so bad that I had to beg on facebook and tumblr at one point for donations because we were about to be evicted. Actually, I had to do that more than once! Because my mother would dig these holes and then shut down because she didn’t want to think about it. So who had to dig us out of eviction monthly? Me. It stressed me out so badly that I ended up on the phone with a suicide hotline, at one point.

One day, she just came up to me and said ‘hey, pack a suitcase for the weekend, make sure you have something warm’. And I was like ‘hey, no, why?’ We struggled like this for a bit because she didn’t want to tell me. Take in mind, this was nearly in the middle of the first covid wave, too. Like, September 2020. She eventually caves and pulls the ‘I WAS TRYING TO DO SOMETHING NICE AND SURPRISE YOU’ bullshit. She’d booked a whole trip to Charleston SC complete with a ghost tour of the jail and a boat trip out to the beach the 54th Infantry fell on, because she knew I would like those things. Middle of covid when we had an eviction notice over us. Again. I tried to put my foot down about it, which set her off because she’d already paid and did the whole ‘I guess I have to go alone then’ thing. In other words, she guilt tripped the ever-loving fucking hell out of me until I agreed. 

Did I enjoy it? At parts, yes, but guess what! One week after we got back, I stopped being able to fucking breathe well. I went and told her that I was coughing and could barely breathe. She told me I was fine and to go to bed. I caught covid from that as an asthmatic. She genuinely risked my life and didn’t care. 

She is the reason I live on the other coast now. I moved to get away from her and her manipulative behavior. Not that she isn’t trying to get me to come back. She is. Constantly. I won’t be doing that. 

I did, however, leave my sibling behind. Owen is young, turning 22 next month and still in college. 6.5 years younger than me with a good head on their shoulders. Well, guess what.

My mother is pulling the literal exact same fucking bullshit with my sibling! I am absolutely fuming, at the moment. I really, really am. 

[chiripepe]

I need to start working out again because since I got SNAP and I am buying my own food and preparing it and it’s quality foodstuffs I might gain weight because I”m gonna enjoy eating again. But I weighed myself when I went to Publix last week and I’m down in the 270s again. I’m still in tittyville but not like uncomfortably heavy. I wanna keep going and get myself down to 250 gradually and see how I feel. I think it will take me about 5 months so by the end of the summer I should be there but I want to do it very carefully and with aerobic exercise added. I hate that i can’t just fucking get in my car and go to the YMCA. I can’t fucking stand that. I’m gonna husstle and see maybe if I go to a clinic or perhaps the one I go to I can get recognized as asthmatic, HBP, etc and I can get the vaccine quicker. Or maybe I’ll just get whatever job is necessary to qualify fore the fucking vaccine because I wanna be able to work out. I need it so fucking bad like I wanna go to bed at the end of the day on a day I did cardio and just deep sleep like just be completely KO’ed while my body repairs itself and does all it does when one sleeps. I fucking miss it because it was such an important part of my health routine and it made me feel so fucking good.

[natalia-alianovna-romanova101]

Daisies

So I wrote fanfic. It’s on Wattpad too called the same thing. I’m sorry if this sucks this is my first real story. It’s mostly Stucky but there is xfemreader at the end of it. Based slightly on a fanfic I read about Peter Parker but definitely not the same. Hope you like it idk if I will write an epilogue but lemme know if you want to see one.

Warnings: my shit writing and swear words its sad (i think idk i almost cried but i’m emotional so maybe it wont be for you)

"Hi I'm James but everyone calls me Bucky what's Your name,"  The young brunette said holding his hand out to help the small blonde boy stand up

"my names Steve, people just call me Steve," 

Bucky starts to brush the leaves off Steve's shirt. 

"Well you looked lonely so I we can be friends now," Bucky said smiling grabbing Steves small hand to drag him to the swings

Bucky walked down the sidewalk of New York. Next week it will have been a year. It was early in the morning just a few minutes before the flower shop opened. He had done this a million times since he had died. Every morning at 7 am he would stop at Starbucks for a black coffee then walk a few blocks to the small flower shop on the corner, buy 1 daisy then walk to the cemetery. He didn't understand why he did this. Steve had left him. But he couldn't let go.

"C'mon Stevie we are teenagers we gotta have a little fun," 

"getting fake IDs to vote is fun,"

"thats illegal,"

"so,"

"so we could get arrested and then never vote. What if we went to Coney Island instead,"

"no,"

"yes. we are going let’s go,"

7:30. That's when the flower shop opened. Every day. He was there at 7:30 everyday. 

The girl who had run the shop was never late. She had become accustomed to keeping fresh daisies underneath her desk for the man who came every morning. They had become close, not yet friends but getting there. She knew about Steve but not enough. She knew who Bucky was what he was made to be, and always accepted him. 

Steve was bleeding again. He was always bloody. But Bucky didn't care. He had developed feelings for his best friend. Feelings he didn't understand. 

"Steve you have to stop getting in fights what if I don't get there in time next time and you get seriously hurt."

"c'mon buck I'll be fine you know that. Why do you worry so much,"

"because I care about you,"

"I know that but you still care a lot. Even my mother has stopped worrying about me,"

"don't worry about it,"

"Why do you care so much Buck c'mon tell me," 

"Because I'm fucking in love with you Steve and if you died I don't know what I would do with myself ok. Is that what you wanted to hear?"

Steve stopped walking staring up at Bucky. 

"stop looking at me like that I know it's wrong and stupid but I can't help it."

"Bucky... I love you too but we both know this can't happen."

"no one has to know it could just be you and me punk, no labels," 

"Bucky..."

Bucky kissed him. He didn't know where it came from but it felt right. And Steve didn't pull away which is always a plus. Pushing him against the wall his body was on fire. He knew they couldn't ever be together really but maybe just maybe they could be more than friends. He broke the kiss, looking at Steve breathless. 

"See no one has to know," 

Steve nodded leaning back in

Bucky walked into the flower shop right on time

"Good morning James how are you today," the soft voice of the store owner said as soon as he walked in.

"I had another panic attack yesterday," He said looking down ashamed. He hated his anxiety but he learned fast that she would see right through any of his lies. 

"Oh James it's all right." She walked around the counter to hug him. She was much shorter than him so she had to stand on her toes to get her arms around his shoulders. 

He didn't understand why he trusted her so much. Something about her presence was comforting. He only ever let Steve hug him and only his therapist (and Sam because of his therapist) knew about his anxiety problems and PTSD. But he found her comforting. 

"Next time call me ok. I used to get these all the time. It's alright there's nothing to be ashamed about."

She took his hands into her taking off the gloves he knew she hated so much. He normally took them off before he walked in but today he couldn't he was too ashamed. He knew she didn't hate his metal arm, but he didn't know just how much she loved it.

 “What’s your favorite flower?” the question had come out of nowhere. They had been sitting on couch cushions that had been moved to the floor listening to the radio

“What,” Steve asked

“Well everyone assumes that only girls like flowers but I like flowers too, my favorite are sunflowers. What about you” 

“Daisies. They are elegant,”

“Elegant really where did you even learn that word,” Bucky laughed

“My mother, now stop bullying me you asked,”

“Oh Stevie I thought it was gonna be roses or something not daisies. They are so boring,”

“No they aren’t,”

“Ya they are,”

“No they aren’t,” Steve picked up a pillow and hit Bucky with it. Bucky looked at him shocked before getting his own pillow to hit Steve with.

"Now the usual I presume," she asked calmly

He could only nod in response. She walked behind the counter picking a daisy and placing the gloves next to the vase. After handing it to him, she continued to walk around the store. Confused, Bucky followed her. She stopped in front of a display of orangy pink roses. 

"These are english roses, also known as the Grace Flower. They are my favorite," She said picking one out

"They are pretty," he said inspecting the flower. Not as pretty as her though

No

Bucky couldn't think like that 

He just lost Steve a year ago

he left you  the voice in his head said 

He hated the voice in his head. 

Bucky stood in front of the memorials. The funeral had just finished but he couldn’t leave just yet. 

“Hey,” Sam said softly trying not to disturb the silence

“I know this is hard for you Bucky,”

“You don’t know anything,” Bucky snapped back. Sam would never understand what it felt like, he never lost someone like this

“He was my friend too you know, you aren’t the only one who lost someone Bucky,”

Bucky looked over at Sam. His eyes red from crying darkened

“I loved him and he chose her,” 

Sam’s face fell. He didn’t know about them. What they had before the war. Only the stories that they told.

Bucky turned around and walked away

"I am going to come with you today James. Figured it's time I met Steve. Now c'mon," She started walking to the door. 

He walked over to the counter to get his gloves. He knew it was stupid but he couldn't leave without his gloves. 

"James leave them. It's time to let those go,"

"But it's embarrassing," he argued. He didn't want her to be seen with a freak like him.

"No it isn't now c'mon it's I can't keep the shop closed all day," he sighed and walked over to the door. 

It was almost 2am but Bucky wasn't tired, he didn't think he would ever have to sleep again. Running hand in hand with Steve around Brooklyn was a dream come true.

It was raining and he knew Steve could get sick but it was summer so it couldn't be that cold. Besides not anything that hasn't happened before.

Steve was a terrible dancer but he didn't care. Spinning and dancing in the rain hand in hand he was having the time of his life. He kissed Steve, holding his face with his hands, continuing to spin around. 

"Buck my parents are gonna be worried when I don't wake up early tomorrow."

"Who cares,"

"My parents,"

"oh c'mon Stevie you can't tell me you haven't been having fun. Just one more hour please," he bit his lip knowing Steve wouldn't be able to resist. 

"Fine," 

After kissing Steve again, Bucky laughed and dragged Steve with him further. The night was beautiful and he wished it would never end. 

She had held his hand the whole way ignoring the stares. His metal hand. The one he hated. But she walked the whole 15 minutes from the flower shop to the cemetery hand in hand with him talking about the buildings. Bucky didn't know how he was feeling. 

They made it to the cemetery. Passing the Captain America Memorials, Bucky walked all the way to the back of a small gravestone in the corner. 

Steve Rogers grave. Not Captain Americas. The one that Bucky had done himself. He had bought a small tombstone and buried Steves ashes there to honor Steve. Not captain america. The 90 pound asthmatic that he fell in love with. 

battle of wakanda infinity war

About 15 minutes in Bucky found Steve in the woods fighting off the creatures.

He helped him fight off the rest in the area then turned to Steve and pulled him into a kiss. 

"for good luck," Bucky said before running back out to the battlefield to help the racoon with the gun

'weird' he thought

She let go of his hand as he walked closer to the grave to give him some space. 

This happened for the next week. He started really talking to the flower shop owner, got her number. She had to help him work the phone though. They talked all the time now. Bucky could finally feel himself moving on. 

On the one year anniversary of Steve's death Bucky went alone. He brought the daisy to the grave and knelt down.

"Steve I don't know what would have happened if we hadn't "died" in the army ending up 70 years in the future. Maybe we would have made it to the end of the line like you always said. But clearly it wasn't meant to be. I think I am ready to let you go now. I met a girl. You would love her. You clearly loved Peggy more than me. But that's ok I hope you had a great life. Your grandchildren always love to talk about you. I will never regret the days I spent with you completely in love. But I had lost you a long time ago. Thank you." 

He was ready. He left the cemetery walking to the closest flower shop (not the one he usually went to) picking up a bouquet of English roses. He walked to your small flower shop on the corner of the block where it had always been. As soon as the other customer left he walked in, hiding the roses behind his back. 

"James long time no see," She laughed at herself. She was adorable. 

"Please y/n call me Bucky," He walked over pulling the roses from behind his back. 

Her face lit up  "Those are my favorite thank you. What's the occasion?" 

"Will you go out with me," he looked at her hopefully

"of course I will," She hugged him

And for the first time on years, Bucky finally felt truly happy

[sortagaysortahigh]

The Zooter’s Guide to Getting Zooted

Just wanted to remind everybody that smokes to do it ✨safely✨. As Lord of the Zoots its my job to ensure that everyone woking smeed is being safe about it! So here’s my guide to ✨safe meditation✨based off my own experiences :)

Warnings: mentions of drug use (Marijuana), I am not a doctor or an expert, I’m just a stoner

KNOW YOUR LIMITS.

Take care of your body and your lungs, if youre asthmatic no judgement here but make sure you take them inhalers and shit. Also i recommend boiling orange peels and ginger and inhaling the steam as a mini lung detox/steam therapy. It also helps if youre congested

Practice safe detoxing! Its important to keep your body healthy when you’re a ✨pothead✨. I detox a few times a week by making this green juice in the morning and by doing the steam therapy.

Dont smoke with strangers OR people you arnt comfortable with, this can lead to a panicky high and also its just not safe babes

If you think someone around you is way too high cut them off, we look out for eachother around these parts. And if you know youre going past your limit slow tf down.

Never go smoke without water or something to drink (preferably not alcohol unless you want to get crossed, thats your business).

I recommend investing in a CBD pen! You don’t need a weed card to buy cbd products. If youre having a strong high/bad high the cbd can help to mediate the thc in your system

If you start to panick stop smoking asap, drink some water and sit back, just breathe through it and let someone sround you know. if its because of an edible, eat something and lay down flat on your back, your weight holding you down will help w the anxiety

KNOW YOUR STRAINS. Indica and Sativa are the two main strains. Indica mellows you out and Sativa is more psychoactive, then ofc a hybird is the mix of both. If you’re buying medical grade oui’d definitely ask your plug what the base strain and flavor is (flavors are just the names: ie key lime og, cheesequake, og kush, purp, etc)

Understand the measurement system for buying oui’d, prices vary from state to state and depending on if its medical or not. But a dime is 1g, a dub is 2gs,an eighth/kd is 3.5gs, a quarter is 7gs, a half is 14gs, and an ounce is 28gs. This will literally save your ass if you wanna cop oui’d. If youre unsure of prices just think of it like 1g is $10

If you don’t smoke often don’t let people pressure you into smoking a lot, you can get v sick and usually this leads to a bad high. If you do start to feel sick drink water and eat bread-y type foods, make sure you eat slowly so your body can adjust.

If you’re gonna smoke regularly learn how to roll joints, my personal favorite sheets (that you can get on amazon) are the bambu hemps, Theyre thinner sheets so they can tear easy but practice makes perfect :)

I dont smoke out of tobacco based products and i dont use funnel in my joints ever (i use a little bit of rosemary sometimes). But a few of my favorite alternatives for blunts are: king palms, mintys mint wraps, and high hemp wraps. Im pretty sure you can get those all on amazon!

If youre smoking out of a pipe make sure its clean!!! If youre smoking out of a bong make sure its been cleaned (the swamp waters cool but the actual pipe thing and bowl). Bong water being swampy is one thing but if the bowl and shit are dirty snd have old residue and ash in them thats bad for you and your lungs

Eye drops are your bff, not even just for getting rid of redness, the smoke can burn the fuck out of your eyes, so invest in some eyedrops.

Finally dont try to cover the smell up with perfume, the smell can make you sick and you’re still gonna smell either way. No matter what your high ass friends tell you, you still smell.

[romansleftshoulderpad]

Chapter One - Origins

We Could Be Immortals

Words: 1,945

Ship: None

Warnings: Dead animal, swearing, caps, sex mention, sex jokes, asthma attack

Tags: @fandermom @patchworkofstars @poisonedapples @hogwarts-my-love @opaque-puppet @omni-hamiltrash @darling-elm @jynxlovesluck @madly-handsome @strickenwithclairvoyance @limitededitionsanderssidesblog @ab-artist @because-were-fam-ily @sometimeswritingsometimesdying  @ultimate-queen-of-fandoms2

- - -

Logan kept bouncing his leg. The clock was ticking. The fans of the computers next to him were whirring. All three were almost in time. Almost. Almost. It was almost enough to drive him mad.

“Hey,” Virgil whispered, leaning across the gap between their desks. “Wanna get into some trouble tonight?”

“Absolutely not,” Logan said, bouncing his leg even faster.

“I’ll cover for you,” Virgil said. He smiled brightly and his eyes seemed to sparkle against his dark skin. “You can sleepover, it’ll be fun.”

“Your idea of fun involves sneaking into the forest late at night and getting drunk with Roman Duke.”

“Excuse you, only Roman was drunk that night,” Virgil said. “And this time we’re going into a cave.”

“No way!”

“Pleeeeaaaaseee,” Virgil begged. “I’ll give you the answers to our English test next Thursday.”

“I’m not going to cheat on a test,” Logan whispered. “And I’m not going to any caves. Just let me finish this assignment, please.”

“C’mon, please?”

“How did you even get the answers, anyway?”

“I have a cousin who owes me a few favors.”

“Oh no, is it-“

“Shush!” Virgil exclaimed dramatically. “We do not speak his name!”

The bell rang and Logan sighed, quickly putting away his binder and pens. Virgil put a hand on his shoulder, quickly pulling his attention away from getting ready. “Just think about it, okay? I won’t let anything bad happen to you. Just think about it.”

Logan let out a deep breath and nodded. By the time he grabbed his things, Virgil was already far from sight.

Logan wasn’t one to fall for the idea of “the fear of missing out” or whatever it was advertisers said to guilt consumers into buying their products. He fully believed that if he kept looking forward then one day he would be successful, and therefore happy. He was always looking forward.

Which is why having a friend like Virgil confused him so much. Virgil was always so present. He lived in the moment. He has adventures in the woods and caves simply because he enjoyed the adrenaline rush. He and Logan were like yin and yang.

This is why, at 7 o’clock on a school night, Logan almost couldn’t believe that he was at Virgil’s front door.

“Logan!” Virgil said with a smile, his hair pulled back into dreadlocks with purple at the ends. “Glad I’m not alone with this nerd,” he teased and Logan noticed a shorter boy waving from behind him.

“Ah you didn’t mention there would be any company,” Logan said awkwardly, tensing up as Virgil pulled him inside.

“Oh, uh, yeah, Patton dropped in sort of last minute,” Virgil said, before murmuring, “Remy dropped him off here so now we’re on babysitting duty.”

“I see.”

“Sorry about that,” Virgil said, his voice soft but thick like a warm blanket. “I’ll warn you next time.”

The three of them sat down at Virgil’s kitchen table, talking and snacking on bowls of pretzels and popcorn. “So, uh,” Logan mumbled awkwardly, unconfident in his ability to make small talk, “how do you know Virgil?”

“He’s a friend of a boyfriend of a cousin,” Virgil explained. Patton sat in silence, putting more popcorn into his mouth.

“He who shall not be named?”

Virgil laughed. “Yeah. Him.”

Patton only glanced between them in confusion, clearly missing out on a joke. He ate more popcorn.

There was a noise at the door and all laughter quickly came to silence. The noise repeated. Over and over again. “Is that rocks?” Patton asked.

“It’s in three to five-second intervals,” Logan said.

“You counted?” Virgil asked with a laugh.

“Counting calms me down.”

Virgil grabbed a metal baseball and headed towards the door. When another rock came towards the door he quickly swung the bat and hit it back.

“FUCK!”

“Talk shit, get hit, you little bitch!”

Logan and Patton tried to see outside but neither of them recognized the voice outside.

“YOU HIT MY EYE!”

“You hit my door.”

“YOU’RE A FUCKING ASSHOLE!”

Virgil rolled his eyes and dropped his bat. “Just get in here, dumbass.” He turned to Logan and Patton. “We have a full cave hunting crew now.”

“Hi!” Patton said with a bright smile and a wave. It was almost disgusting how quickly he could turn cheerful.

Roman held a hand over his eye and dramatically muttered expletives at Virgil. “Guess it’s a party now.”

“Shitty party,” Logan said.

“Just get some ice on your eye, Ro,” Virgil said. “We’re leaving in five minutes.”

“It’ll be sunset in five minutes,” Patton said.

Virgil smirked. “Isn’t that the point?”

Logan bounced his leg under the table. He was starting to get anxious. What if they got lost or separated? What if something bad happened? What if-? What if-? What if-?

“Good thing you have a handsome knight with you,” Roman teased, jumping up on the counter with a smile.

“Who? Patton?”

“Virgil, I will fight you.”

“I’d like to see you try, you asthmatic hoe.”

“Excuse you! ¡No soy una azada, tu perra!” Roman yelled in false offense.

“No swearing in front of the baby,” Virgil said. “Patton is only 15. He’s so young. So innocent. You’re tainting him.”

“Virgil, you’re 16,” Logan pointed out.

“Exactly. I am much older and wiser than this toddler.”

“And you’re swearing,” Roman rebutted.

“Prove it, fucker.”

Logan sighed, burying his face in his hands. Roman threw a frozen pea at Virgil. “You’re a dumbass,” they both said.

“Yeah, we’ll you three are the dumbasses I’m going to sacrifice to the old cave deities.” He grabbed a couple of flashlights and buried his keys into his pocket. “Now let's go.”

The sight of the four of them walking together seemed so foreign yet so familiar to Logan. He and Virgil had always been close, just as Roman was close with Virgil. And Patton? He was just one of the many poor fools strung into Virgil’s idea of a good time.

“I feel like we need a dog,” Logan said quietly, shrinking his flashlight at the ground in front of him.

Patton gasped with a happy smile. “We do!”

“I call being Fred!” Roman yelled.

“Sure thing, Daphne,” Virgil teased.

“Daphne?! How dare you- uh- Shaggy!”

Virgil spun around and shone his flashlight under his chin causing his features to look sharper as he blended into the shadows. “An all-powerful god who is simultaneously a cultural icon as well as mysteriously unknown to the feeble power of the human mind?” He laughed. “Nice insult, Roman.”

“Besides, Shaggy totally tops Fred.”

“No way,” Patton said.

“Shaggy tops Fred and Velma bottoms to Daphne,” Logan continued. “So the day we get a dog, Virgil and Roman have to fuck.”

“Guess that makes you Velma,” Roman said.

“Definitely.”

“So by extension,” Virgil said with a laugh, “you and Patton get to have spooky, ghosty sex when we get a dog.”

Logan cringed, desperately avoiding looking in Patton’s direction. “I take back everything I said.”

Virgil laughed, falling back into the group just enough to wrap an arm around Logan’s shoulder. He shone his light on a pile of rocks. “Almost there, lads.”

Just enough light shone towards Patton to show how he beamed at the word. It was just enough for Logan to notice how young he looked. Despite being a sophomore, he would have barely passed for a freshman. Logan wondered if he ever skipped a grade.

“Be careful,” Virgil said as they walked into the cave. His grip around Logan tightened protectively. Is he worried about me? Or am I a puppet to hide his own fear?

Patton screamed, quickly slapping his hand over his mouth. The other three froze before turning to see what his light was pointed at.

“Is that a dead rabbit?” Virgil asked, moving closer to it. “Cool!”

“NOT COOL!” Patton squeaked. He mumbled under his breath, “Why couldn’t I just watch cartoons with Emile?”

“I’m gonna steal its foot,” Virgil said.

“Strip a naked man of his foot?” Roman asked. “Really?”

“Naked?” Logan questioned.

“Yes, Logan, named. As in not wearing clothes.”

“What would a rabbit need clothes for?”

“A very important date, of course!” Roman whined out. “Have you no sense of wonder?”

“Have you no sense of proper grammar?”

“I’m gonna steal the foot,” Virgil repeated, touching the animal’s decaying flesh.

“That is absolutely disgusting.”

“Stop!” Patton cried out, squeezing his eyes closed and holding his hands over his ears.

“Are you okay?” Roman whispered. Patton shook his head and Roman could see a few stray tears rolling down his cheeks. “Virgil, stop,” he ordered, pulling the younger boy into his arms. “You’re upsetting Patton.”

Virgil and Logan froze, Virgil’s fingers brushing against the rabbit’s fur. He pulled his hand back quickly when he saw Patton’s face. “Pat, I’m so sorr-“

“What the hell is happening to your hand?” Roman blurted. He shone a flashlight on it. “Violet, you’re turning violet!”

His fingers were turning purple as the hue began to spread down his skin. “Holy shit,” Virgil breathed out. “I- uh- I think we should go home.”

“No shit,” Logan murmured, his eyes growing wide with fear.

“It’s fine we’ll just turn a-“ Virgil stopped in his tracks. The entrance was completely blocked. “No way. No fucking way.”

“Are we going to die here?!” Logan shouted, his breathing growing frantic to the point where he was nearly hyperventilating.  

“We’re not going to die,” Roman said. He heard growing behind him and came face to face with a faceless monster made of smoke and fog. “I TAKE IT BACK, WE’RE GOING TO DIE!”

“What do we do?!” Patton screamed.

“RUN!” Virgil yelled before punching the monster in the face, shocked to find that his hand didn’t go through the fog. It was like punching a brick wall, only he felt no pain. He figured he could buy his friends some time to escape.

Roman had scooped Patton and Logan into each of his arms and ran further into the cave. “You are ridiculously strong,” Patton commented.

“And I’m ridiculously scared for my life!” Logan yelled.

Roman turned behind a wall and let Patton and Logan to their feet before collapsing on the ground. He was panting for air, clutching his chest with each breath and wheezing with every exhale.

“Is he okay?” Patton whispered.

“He has asthma,” Logan explained. “And I’m guessing the dumbass didn’t bring his inhaler.”

“F- uuuck y- ooouu,” Roman wheezed, with a gesture to emphasize his point. He went into a coughing fit before trying to take a few deep breaths. “I didn’t think we’d be fucking running.”

Virgil caught up to them after a moment without even a drop of sweat on him. However, the same smoky black that made up the creature now seemed to cover his cheeks and the skin under his eyes. “Is Roman okay?”

“Are you okay?” Roman asked, his voice still weak and strained.

“Is my hand still purple?”

“Your whole arm is purple.”

“Then no,” Virgil said. “Definitely not.”

“Oh hey shiny rock,” Roman said, weekly trying to pull himself from the ground.

“I think we’ve touched enough weird cave things,” Patton said cautiously.

“This isn’t Virgil’s evil zombie rabbit, though,” Roman said. He picked up the rock and turned it towards Patton. “See? It looks like an eye.”

“I wish you would put that away,” Patton mumbled.

“And I wish we were home, but-“

The cave filled with a cloud of green smoke coming from the rock. They all found themselves stuck in a coughing fit as they choked on the smog. In only a matter of seconds, they were all fast asleep.

[leebrontide]

Shit I do when I’m not writing pt 2

In my ongoing little NaNoWriMo pre-writing series I’m gonna skip right over normal activities like aesthetic boards and playlists for now, and go right for the random shit.

Maybe now you know your character’s birthday. You know what they wear. You’ve taken personality tests as them.

But have you considered what your character would take like, as represented as a tea blend?

Of course not, because that is patently absurd. 

AND YET

I have tea blends on Adagio for all my MCs, and plans for teas for characters who won’t even show up in my book series for years.

Why?

Honestly it just makes for a nice activity for when the kid has kept me up till 5 am and I want to play with my characters in a way that can’t possibly fuck up my draft.

So, what does an 8 year old Sentient AI/security system/medical records database taste like, as a tea? I went with cozy- an Irish breakfast with notes of vanilla, caramel and rose hips to represent the lavish courtyard garden they contain.

What about the small, skinny, asthmatic 16 year old daughter of the US’s aging but still leading superhero? Grounding almond oolong, rounded out with green tea, and spiced with ginger, cardamom and cinnamon to represent her warmer temperament. 

Is this a necessary writing process? Obviously not. But  when you have to think THIS abstractly, you really have to think about what you’re prioritizing about a character, which can make drafting easier. 

*footnote: No ethical consumption under late stage capitalism and all, but Adagio’s owner does have some crappy political views and does use their tea-mogul money to fund the same. Luckily, you don’t have to buy anything for this exercise. 

[enccrypted]

Can be used for RP and non-RP blogs to get to know a bit about the person behind the screen!

1. FIRST NAME:  my name is something else, but I actually do more commonly go by jun nowadays in my day-to-day life!

2. STRANGE FACT ABOUT YOURSELF:  as a child i rode a bicycle into my aunt’s pool because I have no sense of foresight even though avoiding diving into the pool was the EASIEST thing to figure out in that moment. And riding a bike in a pool is illegal in California, so :( Please don’t call the cops on me

3. TOP THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU FIND ATTRACTIVE ON A PERSON:  A lot of my partners I’ve dated on sheer basis of their personality, but... lean? not necessarily super slender but I personally tend towards slimmer builds, I think? And I also really like nice eyes and hands... and I love voices I find soothing and nice to listen to!! Sound is a hate or love thing for me, so if I hear a certain sound or string of sounds I like, I can get stuck on it. And likewise if a sound is just unbearable to me, it sends my brain into fucky spirals. So that’s why I have certain songs on loop for weeks on end, because when I like a certain type of sound, I want it in my ears constantly.

4. A FOOD YOU COULD EAT FOREVER AND NOT GET BORED OF:  these spicy noodles 🍜 they’re called buldak bokkeum myeon, hot chicken ramyeon 😋

5. A FOOD YOU HATE:  I’m actually five years old, so vegetables can get the fuck off my plate. Most of the time they just have some weird textures that I cannot handle in my mouth. I feel like it’d be better if I owned a blender and could make smoothies out of some of them, but that’s a plan for the future when I can actually have full control over my own diet

6. GUILTY PLEASURE:  I love... to eat out... and to eat in general, but it’s hard to eat out a lot because it’s very expensive :( but then my opposite guilty pleasure is packaged ramen that’s cheap as shit... I’m a very inconsistent personality lmao

7. WHAT DO YOU SLEEP IN:  my pants and nothing else

8. SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS OR FLINGS:  only serious relationships!! I mentally cannot make myself date a person if I haven’t been friends with them for at least a few months, optimally one or two years. I like to know the people I end up dating and feel comfortable around them, really know them before I even think about taking it a step further. Being good friends with a person, talking a lot with them, and feeling that I can speak to them as a partner AND a friend with whom I would trust my secrets (and therefore be honest with them about anything!) is so wildly important to me. And also I just don’t trust like that.

9. IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN THE PAST AND CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOUR LIFE, WOULD YOU AND WHAT WOULD IT BE:  so many things. I think about it constantly. My most common daydreams and things I imagine as I lie in bed at night is somehow waking up with my current day mind in the body of my younger self and just living life differently. But I’m sure a lot of us would tweak a thing or two, regardless of whether they’re subtle or hugely impacting, and in reality it’s just not going to happen. So while I’m not “happy” with where I am, I’m at least happy with my efforts and where I’m trying to go from here on out!

10. ARE YOU AN AFFECTIONATE PERSON:  It’s tough to get me to that point, as in I’m really picky with whom I choose to get closer to just based on compatibility, how much I initially feel I’ll be comfortable around a certain person, etc. But once I get to a status of friendship, I’m very free with affection :’) maybe too much? I drop a lot of “I love you”s and I occasionally make a fuss over the people I care about, but only to make sure they’re okay or something. Not overbearing!! I think... sometimes i accidentally say “babe/baby” to my friends and I realise two seconds later that it’s fucking weird but . can’t cry over spilt milk lmao

11. A MOVIE YOU COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN:  I’m not a “watch a movie again” type of person because it takes me actually wanting to watch a movie, then making the conscious decision to invest the time in sitting down and watching it... so a song I like! because I can multitask while listening to music and it doesn’t take any huge commitment for 2-7 minute songs: Scenes from an Italian Restaurant. I could listen to most of Billy Joel’s songs on repeat for days, though.

12. FAVORITE BOOK:  My favourite books switch around because I always discover something new, then turn around and go straight back to an old book I used to love after rereading it... over the years I most strongly remember loving: Crime and Punishment, The Great Gatsby, and Howl’s Moving Castle! 

13. YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO KEEP ANY ANIMAL AS A PET, WHAT DO YOU CHOOSE:  I want a cat really badly! I do have a stray cat that I hang out with at my school, but that just isn’t the same as having one of my own! And I’ve always wanted a snake since I was a wee bab so, someday, when I’m moved out and financially stable 🐍

14. TOP FIVE FICTIONAL SHIPS [IF YOU ARE AN RP BLOG, YOU CAN USE YOUR OWN SHIPS AS WELL]:  TWO OF MY FAVOURITES ARE WITH JAY: his higgs (death stranding, goldenmasked) and his revenant (iidolum)... I didn’t start off writing with either of them with huge shipping intentions in mind, but I’ve got some plots with him that are my favourite... 😭😭 other than that, cryptane, cryptage, and gibraltar/crypto! That’s five right there.

15. PIE OR CAKE:  it’s illegal to make me make decisions like this. I don’t even like cake and pie that much but when I’m in the mood for either one, they’re equally good. I can choose flavours though: apple pie and chocolate cake.

16. FAVORITE SCENT:  Gasoline? Cigarette smoke? Those are bad for me especially since I’m asthmatic, but they’re really the only thing that come to mind. AND also this oil because it smells vividly of childhood. I still have a bottle I use from time to time.

17. CELEBRITY CRUSH:  I’m not really feeling any right now... but George Michael was always such a cutie :’) 

18. IF YOU COULD TRAVEL ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD YOU GO:  I want to go home to Australia for a bit, and visit Vietnam again (don’t remember when I last went because I was too small...). Canada, maybe?

19. INTROVERT OR EXTROVERT:  a mix of the two, but currently feeling very introvert.

20. DO YOU SCARE EASILY:  it depends on my mood. I’m either really finicky and easily scared by anything if I’m on edge, or my brain just shuts off and blocks out the whole function of terror so when something happens, I’m just like. yeah??

21. IPHONE OR ANDROID:  android and not interesting in ever switching off.

22. DO YOU PLAY ANY VIDEO GAMES:  this is a blog for a video game character!!

23. DREAM JOB:  I’m chasing a career in psychiatry and I might someday return to mechanical engineering.

24. WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH A MILLION DOLLARS:  buy a nice small place somewhere!! fund the rest of my education on my own! give some of the money to my friends!!! fill my savings account to the brim!

25. FICTIONAL CHARACTER YOU HATE:  im trying so hard to think of a character that i hate, but I’ve mostly enjoyed the character cast of everything I’ve watched/read/played lately. life’s too short, and so is my memory, for me to remember anything that hasn’t occurred in the past few months. at the least, it makes me a much happier man so, win for me ;)

26. FANDOM THAT YOU WERE ONCE A PART OF BUT AREN’T ANY LONGER:  hate to admit it, but I used to be a Hetalia fan. Lmao. Some of the worst people I met there, but I also met my ex-girlfriend in the fandom, and we made fangames for it together :’) one of my favourite memories of younger years.

TAGGED BY:  i stole it from one of jay’s blogs... my big brain can’t remember which but go follow him on both higgs and revenant anyway

TAGGING:  @deathchasing, @mircoy

[callmewynchan]

Womb to Tomb.

1.Steve Rogers would be lucky to live to twenty.

Steve Rogers would be lucky to live to thirty.

Steve Rogers would be lucky to live to forty.

Sometimes, Steve Rogers thought that he should probably live to a hundred and fifty, just to spite the doctors who deduced that he would have about five to ten more years of life expectancy.

They said he would die young, and he said otherwise. He was gonna grow up and marry his best friend and adopt ten puppies and live out of sheer stubborn will.

'Sheer stubborn will and friendship.That was all he had going for him.'

Or maybe it wasn't just the stubbornness. Maybe the super soldier serum had to do something with it.

The super soldier serum had to do with everything, or else he wouldn't be stuck in the 21st century like a flabbergasted puppy(see above) in the middle of New York Traffic.

2.Being stuck in the middle of New York traffic was not Steve's fault. Neither was the alien attack. Neither was wrecking almost half of New York-okay, that was partly his fault, his and the avengers. But well, what could you do.

He was stuck out of time with no way of getting back to 'home' (and really he doubted home existed anymore.), and all he had now was 70 years of backpay from his bank account and a shield issued apartment and a floor in the newly christened avengers tower.

Damn it all, he didn't want any of that-maybe aside from the apartment. He just wanted to retire and live out the rest of his life in relative peace.But that couldn't be, because peace had been left behind in the last century and all he had now were shield issued therapists asking "How's adjustment going, Captain Rogers?"

Adjustment was going fine. Of course it was, taking it from someone who crashed a plane into the Arctic and woke up wishing he was dead.

3. He wished he was dead. Sometimes. When he woke up in the middle of the night and he thought that he was still in a tent in the middle of Ww2 and Bucky was fast asleep against his back. And then he washed his face and looked in the mirror and realised that Bucky was gone, he had been gone since that fiasco of a mission to the Alps and all his dreams of a nice suburban life had been washed down the metaphorical drain.

At least it was some consolation that the LGBT community was less looked down upon in this century and maybe some other Steve and some other Bucky somewhere out there could have their nice happy ending.

A happy ending wasn't for this Steve. This Steve had nothing left but the serum and the good fight. And so he could do nothing but fight. He had to pick up his shield and carry on like everything was alright.

It wasn't.

4. He had always had Bucky. Even when he had nothing, he had Bucky.

Bucky was the one constant in his life among a midst of sickness and asthma and bruises and all kinds of other troubles a 1940s brooklyn boy could have. Steve had nothing, in that period between Sarah Rogers death-bless her soul-and Captain America, and yet he still had something, could still pick himself up because he had Bucky.

There was no before, nor after. There was just Bucky. And so, it shouldn't come off as a surprise that Captain America dropped his shield through a hole in the bottom of a crashing helicarrier and let his best friend turned pyscho assassin punch the shit outta him.

'I'll be with you till the end of the line.' Bucky had promised, like they were some old couple getting married with rings twisted from tuna cans. And if the metaphorical end of the line meant getting slapped black and blue like meat in a sack, then so be it.

"I'm with you till the end of the line." Steve Rogers told the Winter Soldier, and in that moment, he could see Bucky shining through the horror in his gaze, and he could have died right then, right there, because Bucky was there and he recognized him.

5.Bucky Barnes was the winter soldier. The winter soldier was Bucky Barnes. They were the same, and different, and frankly Steve didn't really care. Because that was what 'the end of the line meant'. He wouldn't care if Bucky was an assassin, or had no memories, or even some kind of fish monster with a mouth for a head(that he wasn't). He would still take the chance to get his friend, lover, Patrocles to his Achilles back, because Bucky was here, in this time and age, and maybe 'home' wasn't lost in a ravine in the last century after all.

"Man. I think you're obsessed." Sam tells him after his gazillionth 2am phone call to cry and vent. Steve doesn't deny it, and Sam doesn't not sympathize,and if the two of them buy way too much takeout and beer and just drown their sorrows, then its fine. Because Sam understands him(Riley, right?)

If Steve punches Hydra agents with more force than is needed, its also fine, because he can be sure that Bucky is on his own murder massacre field trip through Hydra bases on the other side of that world. (Well, either that, or visiting the Grand Canyon.)

Bucky rambles about newspapers in Steve's shoes when they find him, when Steve was expecting a cold wasteland of a person with stabby stabby instincts. Bucky laughs at him instead, looking way too haunted, and Steve wanted to give him a kiss that was long overdue (like that dance he owed Peggy.), but Sam was there, and that kiss could wait a bit longer, until after those damned Accords went to hell.

6.The Accords went to hell. The Avengers went to hell. Steve wasn't sure if there was any part of his life that did 'not' go to hell.

Bucky. Maybe Bucky. But apparently there was a flip switch in his best guy's brain that turned him back into a assassin, and that ended up with Steve, Bucky, Sam on one side of a airport, and Tony, Rhodey and Vision on the other.

Either you take your best friend, or you take your team. You could never have both.

'Brooklyn alley fights were never this traumatic.' Steve bemoaned when they were in a jet heading for Siberia and Bucky was going like 'Am I worth all this' and the friends that had not abandoned them were in a prison in the middle of literal no where.

Bucky was worth all this.He reflected as he flung his shield and his name down at Iron Man's feet and walked away. He was worth everything Steve could give him and more.

Steve Rogers was not Captain America. Steve Rogers was that 90 pound asthmatic from Brooklyn who had luck and a best friend named Bucky Barnes.

7.Bucky goes back into cyrofreeze, and Steve thinks he should have expected it. Steve had a 70 year long coma in the Arctic, and Bucky had had a couple of naps in a box, and Bucky hated getting woken up, like 'Stevie go away, it's too early for this shit.'

Bucky goes back into cyrofreeze, and Steve's okay with that, even though it means he'll miss Bucky when he goes on missions without him. But when he wakes up, they can skype all they like and he can watch Bucky exclaim' Do you know they have flying cars now? '

' Those are pods. 'Shuri deadpans in the background.

Then war comes back around way too quickly, and Steve reunites with his best friend-lover-what even are they now just to face another fight. Steve and Bucky, against the world, like it used to be in the old times.Only this time, they were not side by side and Bucky was hefting a machine gun with one hand and a-was that a raccoon-with the other and Steve was playing 'I can do this all day' with a big purple alien with a hoard of jewels.

Thor didn't aim for the head, and Thanos snaps his fingers, and Steve wasn't blaming anyone but himself when Bucky disappears before his eyes with a 'Steve' on his lips. This was deja vu, like 'home' dropping away into a ravine in the alps.

This was deja vu, because 'home' was dust on the ground of a Wakandan battlefield and once again there was no body for him to cry over.

They never had that kiss, did they.

8. Steve mourned. Bucky was gone and Sam was gone and half of the world was gone and he-they had failed.

The Avengers were supposed to protect the world, and they had done such a great job of that. Not.

He was mourning, and in a state of on off depression, nevermind the fact that he headed a therapy group that was supposed to tell people to move on. He couldn't move on, and neither could any of them-except for Tony, who still had Pepper and a kid in some countryside. Nat was still running missions as far as he knew, Bruce was MIA, Clint was MIA, Thor was sulking in a hovel, and anybody who was not missing or sulking was trying their best to stay calm and rebuild.

This was what had become of the Avengers and co. And he was damn pleased when Scott Lang showed up with his theories and a ravening hunger for sandwiches and beat some hope into all of them.

9. Time Travel was their best bet. And it kind of worked, if they did not mess up, again.

They sent everyone out, and Steve and Tony nearly fucked things up for good. There was a loki running around in an alternative timeline, a Hydra that thought Cap was Hydra, and a Cap that knew Bucky was alive.

"We got one more chance." Tony tells him, all that seriously, and Steve feels like he had gotten slammed by a brick wall(he had a lot of experience) when he sees Peggy back in the 1970s, with a photo of 90 pound him on her desk and a photo of her family next to that. Peggy had moved on and was married and had gotten a life and maybe Steve should think about doing the same when they figured everything out.

When they figured everything out, it became another war, because somehow Thanos from another timeline had hacked onto their ride back to their timeline and Steve was so tired of fighting. But maybe the fight would be worth it, just another 'I can do this all day' with a broken shield and thor's hammer, when those that had been dusted charged through glowing magic wormholes and back onto the plane of existence.

And there was Bucky, with his metal arm and machine gun and that look that said 'Steve, you did a load of stupid things when I was gone, didn't you?' And Steve thought that all the stupid things they had done were worth it, because the world was saved and Thanos's armies were gone and there were no more Mad Titans in this timeline.

Iron Man-No, Tony Stark was gone.

Bucky and Steve were both alive, and this was the end of an era.

10. There was a funeral, and all that came after that. Steve was tasked with taking the stones back to whereth they came from, and as always, Bucky was by his side.

They were in the Howling Commandos together, they found this century together and like that museum exhibit said-'Inseparable on both schoolyard and battlefield.', so hell if Steve was doing this alone.

Steve said his goodbyes and Sam was like 'Don't pick too many fights, man.' with that unknowing glint in his eye that said he'll be seeing them in 5 seconds.

It would be five seconds for Sam, and for Steve and Bucky-Mind Stone, Space Stone, Time Stone, Reality Stone, Power stone, Soul stone(Hello, Schmidt.), Brooklyn.

Steve was sure that Sam would have fits when he found Steve's shield and a letter in a cardboard box right outside Sam's room. Bucky had scoffed into the crook of Steve's neck when he told him what he had done and Bucky said 'It's a wonder Sam puts up with you, with all the dumb things you do.'

Steve was even surer that Sam would had some sort of heart attack when he turned around to see Steve and Bucky sitting on a bench not far away from the Time travel point, all old and gray and wrinkled and cryptic messenger of the lord like.

But it was worth it. Because this was the end of a era and Steve and Bucky could go home after the long, long war and have their happy ending with tin can rings and ten puppies.

They could wake up to 1950s mornings and vinyl music and alley fights and smoke tasting kisses and Steve stepping on Bucky toes when they danced in their apartment. And one day, he would definitely wake up to Bucky groaning. 'Stevie, you have white hair. You're getting old.' and that would be all he wanted in life.

He would live to a hundred and fifty just to spite the doctors in his youth. He would live to a hundred and fifty with Bucky just to spite all the things that pushed them down.

Captain America was a legend. The Winter Soldier was a ghost story.

Steve and Bucky were just best friends, lovers, on schoolyard to the battlefield to the future and back again.

From womb to tomb, they were just two Brooklyn boys, lost in time.

P. S. Name inspired by this fic on ao3. Content inspired by the gazillions of Post- Endgame fics, bc really the ending for Steve and Bucky was not so great and completely ooc.

[merskrat]

Literally why did fire have to be discovered and conquered. I had to rePly to Fucki.ng emaiLs today. I had to write “thanks,” before I typed my name at the bottom, a pale imitation of my signature at the bottom of letters. How have we strayed so far beyond what is right and good into this degeneracy. “I hope this email finds you well.” WHY THE FUCK WOULD IT FIND ME WELL. I AM COMPLETING A TASK MORE DISAGREEABLE THAN FOLDING A FITTED SHEET (which I also did today but at least a fitted sheet adds comfort to my life generally speaking). I AM COMPLETING THE TASK THAT I CAN ONLY DO WHILE IN THE BEST OF HEAD SPACES, AND BEFORE I EVEN CLIK REPLY THAT HEAD SPACE IS BUT A MEMORY. No I am not WELL, I am having my life force DRAINED from me AND I AM ON SEVERAL DIFFERENT MEDICATIONS AND SUPPLEMENTS ALREADY IN AN EFFORT TO KEEP MY LIFE FORCE FOR MYSELF. You offer me a JOB? A JOB that I must pretend I WANT? That I must appear to be GRATEFUL for? I must VIE to beat the other candidates and to be HAPPY if I succeed where others have FAILED?? And I DO pretend! I tell them about my PASSION and past success! And they nod along and act like it’s all very AdMiRaBlE that I want to help women in medical settings, settings where in reality I have very little power. I TELL THEM ABOUT MY GOALS, THE SECRET WISH TO BECOME MORE POWERFUL. BUT DO THEY OFFER ME THE JOB? no. and you know what i do next? ANSWER MORE FUCKING EMAILS. DELETE MORE FUCKING EMAILS. IF I COULD GO BACK IN TIME TO WHEN EMAIL WAS INVENTED I WOULD FIRST FIND OUT WHO INVENTED IT, THEN BUY A FIRST CLASS PLANE TICKET AND PUNCH THAT PERSON IN THE THROAT, POSSIBLY CRUSHING THEIR WIND PIPE. Maybe they were asthmatic. Maybe that would stop email from ever being invented. Maybe I would invest heavily in breeding passenger pigeons. But oh. Oh I’m sorry. Early humans wanted to SLIGHTLY BURN THEIR FOOD. They NEEDED fire. Well look around. Look at what they have DONE.

[ddproductionsw77]

Work Days Are Long Without You

Fandom: IT (2017)

Pairing(s): (Main) Reddie (Richie Tozier x Eddie Kaspbrak), (Hints of) Benverly (Ben Hanscom x Beverly Marsh), and Stenbrough (Stan Uris x Bill Denbrough)

Characters: Eddie Kaspbrak, Richie Tozier, Beverly Marsh, Ben Hanscom, Mike Hanlon, Bill Denbrough, Stan Uris, Cassie Tozier (OC), Aaron Tozier (OC), and Alex Tozier (OC)

Rating: T

Description: Five times Richie visits Eddie at work and a time when Eddie visits Richie. (5+1 Fic) (Reddie)

Author’s Note: I love Reddie more than I should and my best friend/soulmate/sister and I came up with a ton of headcanons and this is the result of one. I claim Cassie Tozier, Alex Tozier, and Aaron Tozier as they are my and my friend’s headcanon babies. 

Sidenote: Please tell me if you would like to see more Tozier kids or Loser Club kids in future fics. Seriously, give me requests! I may not get to them right away, but I will get to them!

(One - The Aladdin)

Eddie was 15 and just starting his first paying part-time job when Richie visited him at work the first time.

It had taken a whole year after he’d turned the correct age for a working permit to persuade his mother to actually let him get one.

You’ll overwork yourself!

You’re too delicate, Eddie Bear!

What do you need a job for anyway? I provide for you!

Eddie hadn’t had the courage to tell his mother that he needed a job to start saving for college. NYU, his dream school, wasn’t cheap.

Sonia would never forgive him if he dared to bring up the topic of further education. She wanted him to stay right where he was in their little house in tiny, suffocating Derry with her day after day. She couldn’t even imagine her little boy going off to college in New York and she’d definitely never pay to help him do it.

Eddie’s only option was to keep shut up about his plans and try to pay his own way.

Practically every teenager in Derry worked at either Freese’s Department Store or the Aladdin at some point. It was the starting point for all their mediocre career paths. So, Eddie applied at the Aladdin, since Bill worked there, and was hired shortly after. The theater was a revolving door of high school aged employees and willing to give any kid in Derry a shot.

Bill watched him from the cash register, arms crossed over his chest and a glint of amusement in his eyes. Eddie sent him a quick glare and wiped harder at the smuggled glass candy display.

“You know no one c-c-cares if that’s clean, right?” Bill quirked an eyebrow.

“I care.” Eddie corrected, “This place is disgusting. If I’m going to be working here, I’m going to make it clean.”

Bill raised his hands in mock surrender, “If you i-i-insist, E-E-Eddie.”

Eddie returned to frantically windexing the glass case and wiping, “I mean, what does it say about the Aladdin if everything’s covered in dust?”

“Does it ma-matter?” Bill asked, “I-I mean, it’s the o-o-only theater in t-town, so…”

Bill trailed off, only for his attention to be grabbed a moment later by a couple approaching the counter. He hadn’t taught Eddie how to work the ticket printer yet, so the other boy just watched at Bill silently worked up the couple’s tickets.

He noticed that Bill didn’t speak a single syllable more than he had to. The leader of the Losers spoke freely and easily around his friends but, though his stutter was always improving, he still got quiet around strangers.

Eddie frowned and went about changing out the syrup in the soda machine, something Bill had already walked him through.

About two hours into Eddie’s very first shift, the door of the Aladdin swung open and five Losers came strolling in.

Beverly, who’d only moved back to Derry at the start of summer a month ago, was chatting enthusiastically with Ben. Mike and Stan were behind them, also talking until Stan caught Bill’s eye and fell silent with a blush. But Eddie’s attention was drawn to the asshole leading the small crowd.

Richie grinned and bounded up to the counter, lifting himself up to sit on the glass display Eddie’d just scrubbed down.

Eddie gave the boy an aghast look, “Get your disgusting ass off!”

“Aw, but Eds, I just want to be close to you! You don’t have any time for me now that you’re a real working man!” Richie reached out and pinched Eddie’s cheek.

“Don’t do that!” Eddie snapped, pushing Richie’s hand away. What was the asshole even talking about, anyway? Richie’d been working at the arcade since the start of summer. If anything, he hadn’t had time for Eddie lately.

“Okay, okay, you two!” Mike came over and pulled Richie off the counter, throwing him over his shoulder. “Stop flirting.”

Eddie’s face turned bright red, “W-we were not flirting!”

Over Mike’s shoulder, Richie could be heard calling, “Actually, I was flirting!”

Bill grinned from behind the counter. Glancing over at Stan though, he quickly looked back down at the ticket machine and spoke to Ben, the grin replaced by a blush.

“Hey, g-guys. What m-movie?”

Beverly helped pull Richie from Mike’s shoulder before tugging both boys back to the counter, “The Silence of The Lambs.”

“Bev, you said—“ Stan started, looking outraged.

“Oh hush,” Beverly waved him off, scooting closer to Ben until their shoulders brushed. “You would have come no matter the movie, Stanley.”

She turned her head back to Bill and winked at him. He gulped, glancing over her shoulder at an indignant Stan, who was now closely inspecting his Adidas. Clearing his throat, Bill told Bev the total, having subtracted his own employee discount as a favor.

Richie made his way back to Eddie, an amused smirk on his lips.

Before he could even speak, Eddie threw his hand up and cut him off, “No. I am trying to work, asshole. So, buy a soda or fuck off.”

“Damn, Eds,” Richie whistled under his breath. “I’m hurt.”

“Please,” Eddie rolled his eyes, “You’re fine.”

Richie shrugged, “True but only because seeing you in this uniform cheers me up.” He reached out and ghosted his hand over Eddie’s shoulder. “So damn adorable.”

The other boy’s mouth was left slightly a gap as he tried to find the words to respond. Richie had a habit of tripping Eddie up and leaving him speechless. He threw Eddie for a loop and looked so carefree doing it; it infuriated the asthmatic.

Richie glanced over at their friends, who were still occupied with buying their movie tickets, before resting his elbows on the counter and leaning in closer to Eddie. His lip twitched up into a genuine smile instead of his usual playful smirk.

“I’m proud of you, Eddie Spaghetti.”

Eddie gulped and shrugged, inspecting the glass counter, “I, uh- Well, I guess, thank-”

“Richie!”

Both boys turned at Stan’s voice, Eddie jumping and nearly toppling the condiments container. Their friends gave each other knowing looks before Stan continued, “Movie, remember? You coming or not? You can talk to Eddie after we get out.”

Richie Tozier, who never got embarrassed and was never flustered, rubbed the back of his neck and shrugged at Eddie with pink ears, “See you later, Spaghetti Man.”

Eddie watched him bound after the other Losers, easily catching up to match their strides with his long legs.

Turning back to Bill, he swallowed and shakily said, “What a Trashmouth, huh?”

Bill snorted, “S-sure, Eddie.”

(Two - Center Street Drug)

Having a part-time job and attempting to make the first relationship of your life work — he did not count his four days as Tanya Barrett’s boyfriend in Freshman year — all while maintaining stellar grades was difficult, Eddie Kaspbrak was finding.

He’d been working since he was 15, now a stock boy at Center Street Drug instead of the Aladdin, and he’d never before had trouble finding hours to dedicate to odd shifts. Weekend days and Friday evenings were avoided when possible so that he could hang out with the Losers but for the most part, he took whatever schedule Mr. Keene handed down.

…Until he’d gotten himself a boyfriend a month ago.

Call it the honeymoon phase, the bubble, whatever you wanted, but the simple fact of the matter was that all Eddie wanted these days was to be near Richie.

When he wasn’t with the notorious Trashmouth, he was thinking about being with him. He watched the clock, checked his wristwatch, observed the way the sunlight shadowed the shelves of the drugstore, counting the minutes until his shift would end and he’d be able to meet up with his boyfriend once again.

That was basically how he occupied the long stretches of time where no one came into Center Street Drug. Thinking about Richie once again, Eddie walked up and down the aisles and straightened various products. He had just reached the far counter when he heard the bell above the door ring, signaling a customer.

“I’ll be with you in one moment!” Eddie called, making his way back toward the door. He paused at the start of the aisle, glancing over his shoulder to double check the store was still empty. “Richie? What are you doing here?”

His boyfriend kept his head down, moving forward with his hands in the pockets of his ripped black jeans. “I, uh, I need some help, Eddie Spaghetti.”

Richie looked up, an expression of uncharacteristic uncertainty on his face. The drugstore stock boy was so taken aback that he didn’t even comment on the stupid fucking nickname.

“What are you talking about?” Eddie asked, stepping forward. For once, he was thankful for the slow business of the Center Street Drug. He and Riche weren’t exactly public yet to anyone but the Losers Club.

“Uh, well, you see…” The other boy slowly pulled his hands from his pockets, flinching as he extended his arms and opened his balled fists. Kleenex had been gripped in his palms and were soaked through with his blood.

Eddie gasped involuntarily and rushed forward, gingerly cupping Richie’s hands in his own. “What happened?”

Richie shrugged but remained silent and instantly Eddie knew. How ever his boyfriend had gotten injured, it was somehow caused by his parents. Richie only got quiet when Maggie and Wentworth Tozier were involved. Normally, he couldn’t be shut up.

Eddie swallowed down the rage that burned to life in his chest and nodded, “Okay then, come on.”

He gripped Richie’s forearm and began to lead him down the aisle, picking up various products along the way and stuffing them into the crook of his free arm. He’d pay for them later and stack his frequent customer and employee discounts.

Reaching the back counter, Eddie dropped Richie’s arm and fished a set of keys from the pocket of his tan slacks. He unlocked the half door to the pharmacy and let Richie in before closing it behind them.

Finally, he sat his boyfriend down at a desk set behind one of the shelves of medicine, out of sight should anyone wander in. Eddie wasn’t ashamed to be dating Richie, but he wasn’t stupid either. The people of Derry weren’t ready for that yet.

He hadn’t admitted yet to his own mother that he and Richie were dating, let alone strangers. Richie had agreed to play along because they both knew that in a town like Derry it was physically safer to be straight. Richie wanted Eddie safe.

Richie watched from his seat as Eddie carefully set out gauze, triple antibiotic, and wrappings. Holding his hand out when Eddie gestured for it, Richie cringed as the other boy pulled away the tissues and inspected the actual cuts in his palms.

They were deep but not quite deep enough for Eddie to insist on the emergency room. He’d gone through these motions with Richie enough to know that the insistence would only by falling on deaf ears anyway. Hospitals asked too many questions, according to the Trashmouth. Eddie thought that maybe someone should be asking questions, but he didn’t voice that.

“There’s glass in one of these cuts, dark glass like a—” Like a Budweiser. Eddie held Richie’s hand close. His eyes flickered to meet his boyfriend’s as he softly murmured, “So, glass… Your mother and a beer bottle?”

Richie smirked, though it didn’t reach his eyes, “In all fairness, I think she was just practicing for when Dad got home but yeah, she threw a bottle or two.”

“At you?”

“In my general direction.” Richie shrugged again and Eddie thought he might throw up from rage and his exhaustion at dealing with a boyfriend who was seemingly unbothered by the abuse he had to take from his shit parents.

Instead of saying anything more, Eddie just sighed and took up tweezers he’d grabbed before, angling Richie’s hand toward the light. Tongue peeking out from between his teeth, he started to go after the shard of glass embedded in his boyfriend’s palm.

Richie gasped and squeezed his eyes shut.

“Dammit, Eddie! A little warning next time, maybe? I thought I was gonna pass out there for a second.” He grounded out from between clenched teeth.

The other boy rolled his eyes but still looked apologetic, “Don’t be a baby! Besides, I already got it.”

He reached over and dropped the shard into the discarded, bloody tissues. Next, he grabbed the alcohol swabs and tore the small packets open to clean Richie’s cuts. The other boy squirmed but managed to stay still enough for Eddie to get the job done.

The short hypochondriac paused, hand hovering above a thin white scar that had been sliced by one of the lacerations. Raising his own hand, he laid their palms side-by-side, eyes flickering from one scar to the other.

The Blood Oath. It was just another thing that tied him to Richie like the red string of fate, their promise to come back, one day…

Richie overturned one of his hands, tracing an uninjured fingertip along the long since healed wound on Eddie. The feather-light touch gave the other boy chills, causing him to pull away and blink rapidly as if startled.

“Uh, don’t want you to get any infections,” Eddie muttered, trying to recover from the touch that had felt so intimate and personal a moment ago. He shakily applied triple antibiotic to the now clean cuts before setting gauze over them and encasing both hands in wrappings.

Reluctantly, his eyes trailed from Richie’s hands which still settled into his own up to his face. Eddie’s heart skipped a beat, realizing how close the two of them really were, enough that he heard Richie’s breath quicken as their gazes met. Richie’s cheek turned the lightest shade of pink and Eddie grinned, blushing scarlet himself.

He liked making Richie nervous, especially because his boyfriend always seemed ‘too cool for nerves’.

“I hate seeing you hurt.” He breathed, a whispered confession meant just for the two of them, in that moment.

Richie didn’t even blink as he leaned forward to rest his forehead against Eddie’s, their eyes staying locked the whole time. “I know, I’m sorry.”

Eddie shook his head ever so slightly so as not to make Richie move away from him. Angling his neck, he brought their faces even closer together, noses brushing. “Nothing to be sorry for. I just wish…”

Finally, his gaze flickered away, down to Richie’s hands. Quickly ducking his head, he pressed a light kiss to each wrapped palm before taken back up his previous position of sharing Richie’s personal space. “I just wish things were different. That you were safe.”

Richie looked at Eddie so intensely that, for a moment, Eddie thought he’d die right there from the fire stirring in his stomach. Then Richie leaned in and bridged the gap between their lips, kissing Eddie so hard that it hurt a little. Eddie didn’t mind.

Instead, Eddie kissed him back just as intensely, moving his lips against Richie’s in the natural rhythm that they always seemed to lull into when they did this. It was like they were meant to kiss each other like they were meant to only kiss each other. Eddie knew how stupid that sounded and yet it still felt so true.

Richie pulled away and chuckled when Eddie attempted to chase his lips, “Hey, hey, hey, you’re on the clock, baby. We can finish this later.”

Eddie almost died again hearing Richie call him ‘baby’.

(Three - The Village Grocery)

New York was so much fucking better than Derry, dear god.

The water tasted better, the air was easier to breathe, and the sun shone more on Central Park than it ever had on Memorial or Bassey. Coming to New York, despite his mother begging for him not to, was one of the greatest things Eddie Kaspbrak had ever done.

People did as they pleased here, seemingly unafraid to like what they liked and be who they wanted.

And there was NYU, with its nursing program, grand library, and polished, gleaming surfaces that were more than Eddie had ever dared to imagine. It was like he was living the ‘Theme from New York, New York’ by Frank Sinatra. He’d always thought it was so over exaggerated when people talked about being in love with a place or an object; Eddie’d only ever truly been in love with other people. Only, now he understood.

He was in love with New York.

Eddie swore the only thing keeping the city from actually being the love of his life was Richie Tozier, who’d long ago claimed that position.

And because of his love for both Richie Tozier and New York, he was planning on moving into an apartment in the Village with his boyfriend before the start of their second year at NYU that fall. He still smiled to himself when he recalled to mind how nervous Richie’d been to finally ask him to find a place together. It was foolish, of course, seeing as Richie traded dorms with Bill every night so that they could both be with their boyfriends, meaning that Richie and Eddie were practically already cohabitating.

The issue was that moving into an apartment cost money, something neither Richie nor Eddie had an abundance of.

So, Richie was working, a paid internship at the campus radio station that he hoped would eventually get him some connections. Eddie still thought it was incredibly appropriate that Richie ‘Trashmouth’ Tozier was working for radio and majoring in Communications as a young adult. Meanwhile, Eddie had picked up some more shifts at the grocery store where he’d been hired upon first moving to New York.

Together, they were financing quite a nice little savings account by the time it was halfway through their second Freshman semester and now, with summer just beginning, they could afford to start going though vacancy ads in the classifieds.

Eddie sighed, standing at the check-out register without a single customer. He spied Mr. Costello, a regular to the small Village Grocery, in the cheese aisle debating between cheddar and Swiss. Knowing his manager was out back for a smoke break, he took up a pen and began to doodle listlessly on a pad of paper.

The sliding doors whirled and parted, causing Eddie to glance up from his pad of paper and do a double take. Standing up straight, he looked back at Mr. Costello before making his way around the register and to the man who’d just come in.

“Uh, hi? What are you—“

Richie grabbed his hand with a mischievous glint in his dark brown eyes and pulled him toward the back of the store.

“I was missing you, baby.” Richie tossed over his shoulder, knowing full well how the pet name turned Eddie to melty play-doh. “Now, just trust me.”

And that was how within five minutes, Eddie Kaspbrak ended up pressed up against the storage shelves of the stock room, lips hard and steady against his own.

The store always played the local radio throughout the building and ‘You Spin Me Round (Like A Record)’ by Dead or Alive rang through the tiny, dark room as Richie’s hands slipped under his uniform green polo to brush over vertebrae of his spine.

I set my sights on you

(And no one else will do)

And I, I’ve got to have my way now, baby

Moaning in approval, Eddie ran his own hands up his boyfriend’s arms before reaching his neck where he tangled his fingers into Richie’s curly, black hair.

A tongue ran along his lower lip, asking for permission, and he eagerly opened his mouth while pulling the other boy closer to him.

Once upon a time, Eddie had shoved Richie away for even trying open-mouthed kissing, disgusted by the idea of sharing so many germs with any being, even one he loved, but these days he craved the taste of nicotine and dime store mints that was purely Richie Tozier.

All I know is that to me

You look like you’re havin’ fun

Open up your lovin’ arms

Watch out, here I come

Richie’s fingers moved to just barely skim the sides of Eddie’s ribcage, making the smaller boy giggle and break the kiss involuntarily. Richie smirked and ducked his head to press searing kisses to Eddie’s neck and collarbone.

Struggling to find his voice, Eddie whimpered, “R-Richie, stop. I’m gonna, um, gonna get fired if my manager finds us.”

“He won’t find us,” The taller boy murmured against Eddie’s skin, sending a shiver up his spine.

Knotting his fingers deeper into Richie’s hair, he groaned, “Seriously, Richie, stop. I c-can’t think straight when you…”

He trailed off, as Richie kissed a path up to his ear, pausing to whisper, “Thought you never really thought straight, Eds.” The next thing Eddie knew, Richie’s teeth were grazing his earlobe and he suddenly couldn’t care less about getting fired or beeping his boyfriend.

You spin me right ‘round, baby

Right 'round like a record, baby

Right 'round, 'round, 'round

Giving a startled yelp, one of Eddie’s hands flew out for purchase as his knees grew weak. Packages of paper towel went flying off the shelf, sending both boys into fits of laughter. Richie rested his forehead against Eddie’s shoulder, trying to catch his breath as Eddie stroked his tangle of messy, black hair.

Sobering, Eddie sighed and shifted against Richie, “I should get back to work…”

“I don’t want you to go,” Richie whined, muffled by Eddie’s shirt.

Eddie huffed, “Don’t do that! It’s not fair. You know I’ll be off work in just a couple hours.”

“I don’t want to wait a couple of hours.” Richie murmured and Eddie rolled his eyes, grasping a fist full of hair and pulling the other boy away from him.

“God, Tozier, why are you so damn needy today?” He asked, getting slightly annoyed.

Richie shrugged with a pout and stepped back, freeing Eddie, “Fine, fine, go back to fucking work.”

The two boys left the storage room, only for Eddie to run directly into a confused Mr. Costello. The old man eyed both young men, from Richie’s rumpled hair to Eddie’s untucked shirt, before pointing to the cashier.

“I’m ready to check out, ya hooligan.”

Eddie flushed bright red and heard Richie crack up behind him. Elbowing his boyfriend, he nodded, “Yes, of course, Mr. Costello. Right this way,” He navigated the man toward check-out.

Richie slipped past them as Eddie rang Mr. Costello up, pausing at the door to turn around and mouth I love you before he left the grocery.

Eddie rolled his eyes, the corner of his lips twitching up into a small smile, and went about telling Mr. Costello his total.

The old man handed him the money and Eddie went about counting out his change as the man muttered to himself, “Boys kissing in closets; kids these days…”

Eddie bit his lip so as not to burst into laughter, handing the money and receipt over to Mr. Costello. After the man left, Eddie glanced at his wristwatch, wondering just how many hours it would be before he was with Richie again.

(Four - NYU Tutor Center)

The Beatles played lightly throughout the NYU Tutor Center, reminding Eddie of Richie. He loved the 60s English band and covered a few of their songs with his own band as well as hanging a poster of the Abbey Road cover in their living room, despite Eddie’s protests.

Closing his eyes briefly to help relieve his budding headache, Eddie listened closer to identify the exact song.

When you need a shoulder to cry on

I hope it will be mine

Call me tonight, and I’ll come to you.

“Any time at all,” Eddie sang along to the song in a low voice, “Any time at all. Any time at all, all you got to do is call and I’ll be there.”

“Aw, that’s so sweet, Eds!” A voice chimed in behind him.

Eddie rolled his eyes and spun his chair around to glare at his boyfriend standing in the doorway, “You’re late, asshole.”

Richie came over to the table, throwing himself down into the chair across from Eddie, “Nah, I’m not.”

“You scheduled your tutor session for 4:00. It’s 4:17 so you’re 17 minutes late.” Eddie reasoned.

Richie quirked an eyebrow and reached over, grabbing Eddie’s arm to read the wristwatch there. “Fuck, well, then the clock on our stove is off.”

“Yeah, dipshit, I know,” Eddie snapped but there was amusement and endearment in his eyes. “It’s been off since you reset it for daylight savings.”

“Whatever,” Richie shrugged, “Fuck numbers.”

“No, Richie, not fuck numbers!” Eddie argued, slamming his palm into his forehead. “God, this is why you’re failing Trig.”

“I’m failing Trig because Professor G is a straight up bitch.” The other boy muttered under his breath before speaking up, “But you’re going to fix that, Eddie Spaghetti! Teach me, baby!”

“Don’t call me that,” Eddie hissed, blushing bright red and glancing at the closed door to the tutor room. He didn’t even know if he was telling Richie not to call him ‘Eddie Spaghetti’ or ‘baby’. “Now, listen up, asshole…”

They were doing pretty good for about a half hour, actually covering material until Richie inevitably grew bored. He watched with a distracted gaze as Eddie drew a graph and showed him an example of an exponential line.

Richie’s eyes trailed from the board to Eddie and down Eddie’s frame, a smirk growing on his lips.

“Hey, Eds!”

“Hmm?” Eddie asked, looking up from the textbook to his boyfriend.

Richie nodded cockily at the board, “Nice assymptote.”

Eddie stared at him for a moment, void of any expression. Finally, he raised an eyebrow, “Seriously, Rich?”

“Eds,” Richie’s expression grew serious, “My love for you is like y=2 to the power of x—”

“Stop.”

“—it grows exponentially.”

Eddie sighed, irritatedly, and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Focus, please, babe. You need to be good at math to live your li—“

“I think I am good at math,” Richie countered, leaning forward over the table. “I can add a bed, subtract your clothes, divide your legs, and—“

“Beep beep, Richie!” Eddie practically cried, the color of a tomato. “Oh my god, just shut up! We are discussing trigonometry! Not, you know, that!”

“That?” Richie echoed, laughing. “Eddie, you’re 20 and you are definitely not a virgin, you should be able to say the word ‘sex’.”

“Tozier, I will punch you in the face and let you fail Trig, I swear to God!”

“Okay, okay!” Richie held his hands up in mock surrender, laughing. Eddie relaxed slightly after eyeing his boyfriend suspiciously for a long moment.

“One more—“

“Richie, no—“

“I wish you were Trig so I could spend hours doing you.”

There was a long stretch of silence. Richie smirking triumphantly and Eddie staring at him with his mouth slightly agape.

“Yup, I’m done. Have fun failing Trig, dumbass.”

(Five - Derry Home Hospital)

Eddie had twenty minutes left in a twelve-hour shift.

The thought nearly brought him to tears of relief.

His and Richie’s shoebox house in the newer part of Derry, where they’d been living since their return to the town the year before, seemed to be calling to him from across miles. Only a cramped bus ride and twenty minutes stood between him and his boyfriend, snuggled in their bed.

It still felt a little surreal that Richie Tozier was actually in a relationship with him, Eddie Kaspbrak, even five years later. They’d been together since Eddie was 17 — he did not count the ‘Break-Up’ of ‘94 — and still, it didn’t seem quite possible. He found himself wondering somedays if Richie even liked him, despite the fact that the other boy had actually professed undying love… Richie was always so dramatic.

Rubbing his brow, Eddie readied a saline drip for a small girl with the flu who was dehydrated from being unable to keep anything down. He approached her room and knocked on the door frame, waving to her and her mother as she tried to smile at him.

“Hi, Alice,” Eddie greeted softly as he moved to her IV machine, saline in hand. “I have some medicine that’s going to make you feel better.”

“Promise?” Alice asked, big green eyes on him as her mother stroked her blonde curls from her forehead.

“I’ll do you one better,” Eddie hung up the bag before turning to Alice and extending a hand, pinkie finger raised. “Pinkie promise.”

The six-year-old grinned widely and linked her finger with his. They shook and Eddie went about connecting the various tubes and priming them. Finally, he connected the line to the IV in Alice’s thin arm and unclamped the drip.

He sent a reassuring smile to Alice’s mother, “She should be feeling better here in the next few hours.”

The mother nodded, still gazing at her daughter worriedly.

“Eddie?”

He turned around to find one of his favorite fellow nurses, Grace, standing in the doorway. Quirking an eyebrow at her, he glanced at the mother and daughter duo he was still attending to. “Yes?”

“There’s someone here for you. He said he was a friend?” She informed him, giving Alice and her mother an apologetic look. “I can take over for you here.”

“Uh, yeah,” Eddie nodded, confused. What friend of his would come visit him at work? Any Loser would just wait until he was home… right? “Thanks, Gracie.”

She smiled at him and swapped him positions in the room. He heard her introduce herself as he left the room and headed to the ER nursing station.

He slowed his pace upon spotting a disastrous black hoodie and dark, torn skinny jeans. Richie was a grown ass man and still dressed like a high schooler, even when showing up unannounced to his boyfriend’s work apparently. The other man was chatting animatedly with the Head Nurse, Carla, and grinning.

His dark eyes swept the area, spotting the perplexed Eddie, and he stood up straighter, “There’s my Eddie Spaghetti!”

This sent Eddie into action. He blushed and rushed forward, grabbing Richie’s arm and pulling him away. He called to Carla over his shoulder, “I apologize for anything he said!”

Dragging Richie around the corner, Eddie hissed, “Why are you here?” His stomach dropped and he began scanning over his boyfriend, “Oh shit, are you hurt?”

“Eds, breathe,” Richie placed his hands on Eddie’s arms and used his thumbs to rub circles on the other boy’s skin. “Can’t a boyfriend just come to pick his bitch up from work every once and a while?”

“I’m not your bitch,” Eddie snapped, crossing his arms over his chest. “And why did you tell Gracie you were my ‘friend’ coming to see me?”

“Oh, um,” Richie took one hand back to fiddle with the strings of his hoodie. “Well, you just started here so I wasn’t sure if everyone knew about you having a boyfriend.”

“Trashmouth, we’ve been out of the closet since we started college. I’m not going back in anytime soon,” Eddie waved his arms, “but that’s not the point! The point is— Wait, you came to pick me up?”

“I got done at the station early,” Richie shrugged. “And I hate that you always have to take the bus and I get the car. I figured it might be a nice thing to do.”

Since Richie worked on the edge of town at Derry K105.3 radio station, hosting his own little show from 3 pm to 6 every weekday night and running the soundboard for other DJs while Eddie worked in the middle of town at Derry Home Hospital, they had agreed Richie got the car and Eddie got the bus pass. Did Eddie like taking the bus? No, but he did like doing things the logical way and until they got a second car, this was the way to go.

Still, that Richie had thought about him and his resentment for the bus, even after he himself had had a long day, made Eddie melt just a little.

Smiling with only half his lips, he reached up and took Richie’s face in his hands. He pressed a quick kiss to his boyfriend’s lips and rested their foreheads together.

“I have one more patient to check on. Think you can keep yourself out of trouble for that long?” Eddie asked, raising his eyebrows.

Richie bit his lip, making Eddie just want to kiss him again. “No guarantees, baby.”

Eddie sighed and nodded, pecking Richie’s jawline before stepped back. “I guess I can’t expect anything else. Go wait at the nursing station and I’ll come find you when I’m done.”

He started down the hall toward his last patient but was stopped by Richie grasping his wrist. Eddie looked back at his boyfriend, questioning.

“Go do what you love, Eds. Go help people.”

Eddie smiled as Richie released his grip. “I will but, you do know that I’ll also be pretty happy to go home with you when I’m done, right? I happen to love that, too, Trashmouth.”

“And I happen to love you.”

“Shut up, Tozier.”

“You know you love me, Eds!” Richie yelled down the hall after Eddie.

God, did he ever.

(+ One - Derry K105.3)

“So, we got Records back in the studio with us after a week away,” David Olsen, who’d been filling in for the last week for Richie, said into his boom mic. “So, ladies and gents, without further ado, Rich ‘Records’ Tozier!”

The soundboard operator pressed a button and a round of pre-recorded applause filled the room. Richie smiled and lazily rolled his eyes at David, who gave him a look of exasperation in agreement.

Leaning into his mic, Richie started off with his English gentleman voice, “‘Ello, me lovely listeners.”

David laughed, “Good to have you back, Records.”

“Good to be back, Davey.” Richie responded with a sigh.

And it was true.

It was good to be back in his studio, doing his thing, catering to his usually late show audience. He’d been promoted to K105.3’s lead 6 pm to midnight host and disc jockey about two years ago. Only he had to come in at 2 pm every day for staff meetings and administrative red tape. Then, he ran soundboard for Davey from 3 until he went on air. The ten hour days were long but the higher ranking position defiantly had its benefits… and its adversities.

Still, he was glad to be back.

“For anyone who’s been living under a rock the last week,” Davey preambled, “Your favorite late night jockey was in California for a Radio Communications conference for the last week. Tell me, Records, what’s LA like?”

Richie chuckled, “You’re not gonna believe me, Davey, but it’s actually bigger than our fair Derry.” He answered sarcastically.

“Nah, you don’t say!” Davey answered with equal wit.

“I do say, good sir,” Richie broke back in his English Gentleman and laughter rang out from the soundboard before he cleared his throat, returning to his normal voice. “No, no, LA’s really great. In another life, I’d probably even live out there.”

Davey nodded, “Fair enough, fair enough. So, Records, highs and lows of this week-long vacation — sorry, conference. Start with the high; what was the best thing about the trip?”

Richie smirked cockily, “The women, of course.”

They both burst into laughter and David clapped Richie hard on the back as the young jockey quickly backpedaled, “I’m kidding, Davey, obviously. I am married, remember? And if the good ole ball and chain heard me say that, I’d be dead… Still, the ladies are a whole different caliber down in Cali, I’m telling ya.”

They both laughed again and Richie continued, “My real highest point was when I got to meet Ozzy Osbourne, though.”

“You’re shitting me,” David asked, floored, and Richie knew his co-workers swear was being beeped out in the five-second delay. Ah, the irony of being literally beeped…

“I ain’t shittin’ ya, me boy.” Richie leaned back in his chair. “A jockey from the area had a contact and offered to introduce me. You don’t just turn down the Oz.”

“True, true,” David raised his hands in mock surrender, “Okay, so the lowest part?”

The answer came easily to Richie, not even having to think about it before he said, “Not seeing my family for a week.”

“Oh, boo!” Davey groaned, “Come on, man, that’s such a boring, bullshit answer.”

“It’s not bullshit,” Richie shook his head and shrugged, “Unlike you, Davey, I actually enjoy my significant other and my kids.”

He did, oh God, he did.

Being away from Eddie, his little girl, his boys, it was like torture.

One night, he’d actually had to call Eddie at two in the morning, begging him to go check on the twins because he’d had a dream where they were just gone, taken away. Eddie had checked and both infants had been sound asleep, perfectly fine. Richie had broken down from fear and exhaustion, he had talked about leaving the conference early, that he missed them too much to stay the full week, that he needed to be back with them.

Eddie had listened, quietly and carefully even though he was undoubtedly even more tired than Richie from chasing after three kids under the age of five all on his own. When Richie had grown silent almost an hour later, he’d sighed.

Babe, I know it’s hard. I can’t imagine being away for a week, but you are where you need to be right now. You have three more days and we’re fine here. You can do this, Rich. I know you can… And we’ll be waiting for you when you’re done.

Bringing himself back to the studio and Davey, he tried to remember what his co-worker had even asked. Oh, right, David had asked if he really had kids in an incredulous voice. Of course, no one would believe Rich ‘Records’ Tozier was settled down…

“Yeah, I really had kids, Davey. You’ve seen fucking pictures of them, dude.”

“Oh…right,” Davey shifted like he was uncomfortable and Richie got the impression that he did not remember any one of Richie’s children by name or appearance. “But a week away has got to be like a vacation, right? I mean, how old are the little tykes?”

“Cassie’s four and my boys, Alex and Aaron, are only five months old,” Richie answered easily, a small smile growing on his face just talking about his family. “It’s not like a vacation at all, man. I missed ‘em like crazy and I don’t even get to see them tonight because I don’t get done here till after they’re all asleep.”

“Damn, dude, that’s rough.” Davey trailed off, obviously having no idea where Richie was coming from. “Moving on…”

An hour later, they broke for the 7 pm All-Music hour.

Richie rubbed his neck, trying to relax his muscles that were still sore from his flight. He needed caffeine, he decided, and soon. Walking toward the staff kitchenette, he slipped his hand into his jean pocket and took out his wallet.

Flipping it open, he smiled at the pictures the unraveled from within.

Cassie, the day she was born, the very first time Eddie had held her.

Cassie, taking her first steps right to Stuttering Bill of all people.

Alex and Aaron, the day they were born with Bevvie holdin’ one of em and Ben Haystack the other; Bevvie’d been pregnant for the second go round herself at the time.

Alex and Aaron in the outfits Mikey had gotten for them, reading “Double” and “Trouble”.

And at the bottom of the fold out, Eddie. A picture from way back, it seemed, when they’d only just started dating in high school.

He was resting his chin on his palm, elbow on his knee, with the Quarry as his background. His eyebrows were raised in exasperation at the camera — or more accurately at Richie — but a smile of utter endearment adorned his lips. It was a picture that reminded Richie that even on their bad days, even when he fucked-up bad, even when no one else could stand him, Eddie loved him.

“Papa!”

Richie nearly tripped over his own feet, whirling around at the achingly familiar voice.

A lively blur of long, chocolate brown curls and big baby blues sprinted down the hallway toward him and he stooped to lift the child right into the air. His felt his eyes water pathetically as he held her tight and buried his face in her hair. She smelled like home and her tiny arms squeezed Richie’s neck.

“Cassie Anne!” He laughed out tearfully, ducking away from her to see her bright, grinning face. Glancing behind her, his heart skipped a beat as he spied the love of his life at the end of the hall with a full sky blue double stroller.

Cassie gripped his chin, pulling his face back toward her to regain his full attention, “Papa, you was gones foevea!”

“Gone forever, Cas.” Eddie corrected like it was second nature while rolling his eyes, “And no, Papa wasn’t. It was only a week, baby girl.”

The child pouted and crossed her arms over her chest, still in her Papa’s arms. “Still!”

“I know, Cassie Anne. It was forever—“

“Richie, don’t encourage her dramatics!”

“—but I promised I’m never going away for that long again. I missed you too much.” He bopped the little girl’s nose, which she scrunched up in response while giggling. “You and Daddy and Alex and Aaron.”

Cassie grew sober at the mention of her little brother and rolled her eyes, “Eryone missus Alex and Aaron.”

“Cassidy,” Eddie broke in, his tone warning, “We talked about this. And its ‘everyone’, not ‘eryone’.”

Richie raised a questioning eyebrow to his husband and only received an eye roll very similar to the display their daughter had put on only seconds ago and a mouthed later. He shrugged it off, grinning at Eddie, “What are you guys doing here?”

“We came to visit you, dumba—“ Eddie cut himself off, blushing a bit as he glanced at Cassie and tried to ignore Richie’s smirk. It had been Eddie’s idea not to swear in front of the kids. It made his slip-ups and near slip-ups all the more hilarious to Richie.

“Silly. I figured you’d want to see them before tomorrow morning. Then again Alex and Aaron haven’t been sleeping through the night anyway, so you’d probably have a reunion with them before morning anyway… Whatever.”

Richie grinned, his heart constricting in his chest. He pecked Cassie’s cheek as he set her down and mouthed a Thank you to Eddie. His husband half smiled and shrugged, the look in his eyes soft and tender.

It was just another thing Richie absolutely treasured about Eddie Kaspbrak, now Tozier. He always just knew even without Richie saying so. He’d known Richie would be desperate to see Cassie, Alex, and Aaron and he’d apparently driven them to the edge of town just for Richie because he’d known.

Richie stooped down before the stroller, grinning, “And how are my Young Dudes?”

“Oh my God, stop calling them that! They are not Mott the Hoople lyrics, Trashmouth! We named them for a reason.” Eddie snapped.

“Yeah, because you just loved ‘Alex’ and ‘Aaron’. ‘They’ll both start with As, Richie! It’ll be so cute, Richie!’” He did a lazy impression of Eddie at the end but even his half-assed effort produced a pretty accurate portrayal. He was the Man of Many Voices, after all.

“I let you do ‘Smith’ and ‘Axl’ for their middle names!” Eddie retorted, indignantly as Cassie snuggled her face into his side. He rested a hand on her head, in absentminded comfort. “We compromised!”

Richie didn’t even glance at his common-law husband, reaching out to settle a hand on the tummies of each baby boy, feeling them breathe in and out.

Alex was still, staring at his father with an expression so serious it made Richie chuckle. Alex always looked so stern and it was hilarious on his chubby, cherub face. Aaron, on the other hand, was squirming at times. He was, without a doubt, their most restless baby. If he was awake, he was moving.

“Hi, guys,” He muttered, trace the lines of their features with his eyes. They were still so little but growing so fast, he worried about what he’d missed in just a week away from them. But both Alex and Aaron looked just like he remembered, their little faces etched into his brain right alongside their sister’s and other father’s.

“I missed you so much.”

Finally, he looked up at Eddie and they shared exhausted but content smiles. Richie was reminded in that moment that he would have none of this without the man in front of him. Eddie made him a man capable of being a father, a pretty damn good one too… Most days.

“And I love you,” Richie mused, not removing his eyes from Eddie, even though he knew he wasn’t just speaking to him. He was telling Cassie and Alex and Aaron, too. He loved them, he loved them, he loved them.

And Eddie knew, too, because he always did.

[sherriarty]

Meeting Andrew Scott (WCC2017)

I know I’ve mentioned wiriting a short report after returning from Wales (and then I just kept quiet). So here you go! :) If you’re interested in the parts we finally meet Andrew, skip to the bold parts. I am including the Loo parts in italics. :)

The 2nd of December. THE DAY. Day fricking D. Me and @sherlocked-for-a-lifetime set the alarm for 6am (we were supposed to leave the house at 9:20, but because of all the cosplay preparations, we decided to get up bright and early). We were really anxious, being like ‘’no, we’re not going, let’s skip it’’ and even though we were joking, we also were half serious. So much nerves.

At 9:50 we finally got to leave (whoops) and went straight to the university, where the Con was taking place. It was cold and slightly raining but I wasn’t bothered because my hair were slicked back anyway because *winkwink* fem!Moriarty. After finding the correct queue (on the 3rd try) and waiting patiently, we finally, finally got in. 

Since it was around 11:10 and the Sherlock panel was scheduled to start at 11:30, we rushed straight into the Hall A, worried the seats will be already taken by people who had VIP access and got in an hour earlier than the rest of us. Turns out we don’t need to be worried since the hall is half empty. 

And finally Andrew and Louise arrive (and you have no clue how much I’ve started to shake right then), apologizing for the delay because of VIRGIN TRAINS. Lol.

The panel was amazing and you can watch it online, so I’m not going  to go into details here - other than I was freaking panicking in my seat, realizing that I’m going to be talking to both of them in less than 15 minutes. 

After the panel we rushed outside, searching for the Photo Op halls. We were supposed to be having photo ops with Andrew AND Louise first, right after that photo op only with Louise and then finally only with Andrew. I was scared so much and inside of the hall we’ve met one of my friends I didn’t expect to see - I know her from this very same convention, from April. She must have picked up I am stressing out because she immediately started giving me hugs and taking selfies. Bless her, she managed to calm my nerves a little bit. For maybe two minutes, but still!

AND FINALLY ANDREW AND LOUISE APPEAR IN THE ROOM and I I’m ready to die. I’m in the queue, clutching my Sheriarty plushies to make myself calm. And the queue is moving so fast, suddenly I’m expected to go there! What the fuck. So I go. After awkward ‘’Hi, good’’ reply for ‘’Hi, how are you?’’ (I’m an idiot shhh) I’m actually taking a breath and blurt out a question if they could hold my Jim and Sherlock plushies. And that they can choose. Andrew was reaching for the Sherlock one, but Louise was faster, saying ‘’I’ll take Sherlock’’. Andrew gave her his ‘’tssss’’ look and grabbed small Jim. Then we took the photo and i was still so shaken, thanking them both and rushing away, my friend again giving me a calming hug.

The friend from last con left after, saying she only has booked the photo op with both Louise and Andrew, so we stayed with my dear @sherlocked-for-a-lifetime alone. To be quite fair, we both were really nervous and it was hard to calm down. And we’re suddenly in a queue for Louise and before I know it, I’m in front of Louise, again. I even manage to tell her I love her dress, she calls me lovely!

And now the real fun begins. Queue for photo with Andrew. I’m crying inside again and I’m convinced I can’t possibly make it. How could I? He’s right there in this room, the queue is moving and we’re getting close. I’m not sure if I hate or love my life at that moment. And again, way too quickly it’s my turn and I go to Andrew. He asks how my day was and how I am doing. In the meantime, the photo is being taken. After that, I simply answer with ‘’It’s good... I’m nervous, sorry’’ (GIVE YOURSELF A SLAP, GIRL). He gives me a million dollar smile and puts his hand on my upper back and strokes it briefly with ‘’Don’t be nervous sweetheart’’. I think I died and went to heaven. He’s the cutest to ever cute.

After that, we leave the photo room and get our printed photos. Once we’re done, we move to the Signing hall. Andrew and Louise are still in the Photo rooms, so we have time to find their tables and find out what the story is. 

We are being told that Andrew’s queue is really too huge so there’s an alternatiive solution - we all get a ticket with number and then we’re being called by numbers. Well, it’s not that bad, at least we can go to the Louise’s queue in the meantime and we’re fairly in the front. 

When Louise arrives and I got to her table, I’m fairly nervous again, Louise calming me with ‘’we’ve already met twice, it’s okay’’. BLESS HER. She was actually really nice and chatty, asking me where I’m from, where do I work, also told me she loves Cork city (ha! ♥). Then she asked me if I have any questions for her and I did. I am only going to tell you I asked her about her opinion on Jim’s feelings towards Molly and if she thinks that the final scene in season 4 indicates that Sherlock and Molly ended up together. I’m not going to publicly mention her response in this report since I don’t want to start ‘shit’ between Sherlolly and Molliarty shippers. If anyone’s interested, please, DM me off anon.

When she signs my photo, I ask her if she’s doing selfies, since there is literally no sign above her head. Other actors have either a price for the selfie or ‘’NO SELFIES’’ sign. She starts talking to one of the crew members and they tell her that it’s not a good idea since everyone else would be wanting a selfie with Andrew, too, if they saw her taking selfies. And, with the queue Andrew has, it would not be wise. 

So Louise agrees to a ‘’No selfies’’ sign, but tells me to take a selfie with her since there was no sign before I asked. BLESS HER. I’m not including the selfie because I look really horrible in that one, but I’m still loving Louise in it. ♥

After some chilling out around the hall and meeting two LOVELY and amazing Sheriarty fans - Jim and @selfmadeseb, our numbers are finally called out and we go to the physical queue, which is really short, since the numbers procedure. I am starting to panick again, this time really panicking. I should probably mention that I’m a bit asthmatic person and when it’s almost my turn, I start caughing and have a problem to breathe. Well, good timing, right? :D Jim gives me a tight hug and tells me it’s going to be okay, but lets me go almost immediately because it’s my turn and I’m slowing down the fricking queue.

Andrew was the absolute sweetheart. He must have easily picked up I’m really fucked up, and he was talking so gently and slowly, telling me not to be nervous. Again. Then he told me that I look amazing and my cosplay is amazing (HELP) and before I got to ask him if he would mind to sign some more things for me, he literally just takes them out of my shaking hands and giggles. When he finishes, I am realizing it’s now or never. So I start thanking him for including asexuals while talking about sexualities. He is smiling and nodding the whole time and answers with ‘’I represent everybody’’ and he’s so so lovely! I tell him it really means so much to me and he raises his hand for a high five

but then does this

I’m still crying when I remember this.

Since there’s ‘’No selfies’’ sign, I am not bothered with asking for a selfie at this point. I’m saying goodbye and leaving.

By leaving I actually mean sitting with my friends in the corner next to Andrew’s seat, watching him signing the photos. Then I remember that we forgot to give him a chocolate and I almost start crying. When my friends ask me what’s going on, I manage to tell them about the chocolate and my dear @sherlocked-for-a-lifetime grabs me and we go to Andrew, waiting for a small time before anyone else gets to the front of the queue. We quickly give him the chocolate, apologizing and saying that it slipped our mind earlier. Andrew smiles widely, thanks us and unwraps the chocolate straight away, eating it. Adorable.

Then we chill around some more, I’ve been talking to John Noble (Fringe, The Lord of the Rings), Tom Hopper (Merlin, Game of thrones - who remembered me from April!!!!! And actually calling out my cosplay from the last time haha) and Mark Addy (Atlantis, Game of Thrones, The Knight’s Tale), all of them pretty nice and chill. 

It was before six in the evening and we went back to our spot in the corner, when we noticed that there was NO queue for Andrew anymore. Literally no one. So we risked our chance. We went to Andrew, buying another singature first (so it’s not that bad lol) and then blurted out if there would be any chance to get a selfie with him. I was prepared for a ‘no’ because of the ‘’No Selfies’’ sign, but no one was there anymore, so it was worth a try.

And, well, yah, this happened at first (No way I am deleting Andrew attempting to take a photo on my phone):

But of course, happy ending ♥♥♥♥♥:

And this is the story how I died, basically. Conclusion? I love this man so much. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥