#i am media literate at the best of times
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i know we’ve talked about how dramatic both ed and stede are as a whole but have we talked about when ed gets rid of the silk specifically? the cunt he serves. and for what? like babe no one is watching. the gentle release. his hair in the wind. the way he forlornly looks at the sea. it’s like a whole theatre production for the audience of one (1) and it’s his damn self. is he serious.
#i know it’s so serious and a giant metaphor i’m aware#i am media literate at the best of times#but i was just thinking about it#he’s being so extra for literally no reason#he’s the perfect man#ofmd#oh we thinkin?
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i really do think there’s a huge disconnect on here w/ people who have never used tiktok as to what it actually is and who actually uses it. the number of people i’ve seen call it a “teen dancing app” is actually insane. it has not been a teen dancing app since i was in high school, around 2016 - 2020. the main communities i saw on a daily basis were 1) black history/anti-racism educators, 2) high school & college teachers sharing in-classroom strategies and frustrations with the education system, 3) local/state political leaders giving real-time updates on behind-the-scenes government decisions, & 4) community activism & leadership. like tiktok is an adult platform. almost every person i interacted with was my age or older. and yes it completely depends on your fyp and how you interact with the app, yes there’s still teenagers and dance videos and literally anything else you can think of. but these communities of adults aren’t insubstantial at all, they have literally millions of interactions on a daily basis. there’s about a million other types of communities that i could name just off the top of my head, because the range of users was SO diverse and thriving. it’s a long-distance community tool, just like any other social media—and honestly much better than any other social media, because it relies primarily on the kindness of strangers. i saw at least 5-10 videos today of queer people in rural areas panicking because they don’t have any access to queer community on any other platform or in real life. and before i end this i do want to say i think tiktok is coming back, i think this is a highly orchestrated political move, etc., but i do know it won’t ever be exactly the same. people are panicking about free speech violations because tiktok was a place where people fucking SPEAK. i have never seen mass mobilization and communication in this same way for as long as i’ve been alive. it is the people’s app, not just a silly teenage thing. if you’re not on tiktok and never have been, please stop talking about it like you know anything at all😭
#idec if i look stupid for these posts i am fucking Mad#it’s not about doomscrolling. be so fr. i’ve had a time limit on for years and i’ve done perfectly fine#people’s jobs were on this app. small businesses were on this app. fucking CULTURE was on this app#project willow? bisan in gaza? like this is the most interconnected and fast-moving source of news we have#literally straight from the ground. from the places where it’s happening#i know i can still read news. that’s not the problem.#the problem is that i have nowhere else to see the videos from my minnesota legislator who’s been giving daily updates on the republican#coup in the house of representatives. like. do you see the problem.#not to mention half the news sites are paywalled anyway.#and i saw someone say that this forces us to foster irl community which is true again. but you can still have irl community at the same time#as long-distance virtual community????#my best friends are long distance. if all social media went dark i could never talk to them again.#like we are in the fucking 21st century. we should be able to have both.#anyway. sorry for all the ranting lately except i’m really not because i am fucking PISSED#i’ll be on rednote and youtube for a while except neither of them are really the same.#genuinely nothing was like tiktok fr. i miss it already#tiktok#tiktok ban
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There are four main types of Batfam fans in regard to how people interpret Bruce Wayne as a dad (/Joking. This is mostly satire and should not be taken seriously):
Fans that think Bruce is emotionally constipated and isn't the best at being a parent but still tries (Differs per person). Don't necessarily think he's absuive but thinks he can be toxic or have unhealthy expectations for the Robins. Can smell the Oldest Daughter Syndrome coming from Dick and have Family Line (By Conan Gray) as their top song on their Dick inspired playlist and Daddy Issues (By The Neighbourhood) for Jason.
Fans that choose to believe Bruce goes to therapy in their own canon. Love B:WFA. Thinks the comic can be cheesy at times and so find a balance between B:WFA Bruce and Please Go To Therapy BruceTM as their middle ground. He struggles. They advocate that Bruce is not a bad parent, he just has bad writers that seem to forget Bruce wouldn't hurt kids, especially not his own. Love the humane moments and scenes he has in BTAS and the early JL cartoons. He may not be perfect but he's not literally abusive. Whores for Bruce being able to admit when he is wrong and for Jason and Bruce reconciling. I recommend Grow As We Go by Ben Platt for this one.
A mix between the first two. Was fine-ish when Dick was younger. Didn't help him in the healthiest way but eh. Still emotionally constipated but that happened more so after Dick left and Jason died. Started getting better when Tim came back but was still closed off. Should probably go to therapy with the kids so they can drag his ass about all the things he's done that have actually affected them negatively. Understands his mistakes and is also able to admit when he's wrong, eventually. It's not easy but he starts to do better and learns to be more emotionally available. Still has to get chewed out by Alfred sometimes but definitely better than he used to be and it shows. Reconciliation is slow and gradual but progress is made for everyone involved.
The one's I personally avoid for my own sanity and wellbeing:
Think Bruce is a complete bastard and abuser. Want him to choke. Hate any and all interpretations of him. Some of which will refuse to understand how anyone could have a different interpretation. Will point out comics where, in all fairness, he is a dick but forget that characterisation can significantly differ from one series to the next, as comic characters are constantly passed around to different writers and have been for decades. Not to mention movies, shows, etc.
#Bruce Wayne#Batman#Batfam#Batdad#I'm not tagging everyone in the Batfam I can't be assed#Sorry there's like 500#Bruce has a child for every mental disorder he has#Dick is his ADHD. Jason is his C-PTSD. Tim is his Anxiety. Cass is his OCD. Damian is his Autism.#Like bro the therapist is RIGHT there#You have the money just GO#I am a mix of 2 and 3 tbh but more so 2 because he is my comfort fictional father figure. I already have a shit dad irl#I'm not dealing with it in my favourite media too#Type 4 fans scare me I lowkey see so many people like that and I'm like. If the block button wasn't free. I'd be in debt by now#I get that you saw Tom Kings work. So did I. I hate that fuck. But I personally prefer the scene of him in JL with Ace on the swings#Or the one with him playing with shape block toys with a baby whilst Supes and WW handle the questioning#Or when he hugs literally any of his kids#Or the one of him and Jason watching a movie and eating popcorn when Jason's ill. And they have the picture of them posing#Or when he cried in Flashpoint over the letter his dad left him because the little boy in him needed that#Plus any time Bruce and Clark interact as Best Friends. The Golden Age comics where they were basically Dick's gay dads 💀#But yeah. I could make a poll from this tbh.#This is a generalisation on purpose genuinely do not take it seriously#If I see ANY disclosure. It's delete and block on sight#Bruh I'm still recovering from the notes of my Fallout 4 John Hancock in a Drag Race outfit crossover post#I know it sounds like I'm being paranoid but that's because I am. You have not seen the things I have seen in my notes#You do not know of the wars I have fought of over ghoul dicks and high heels#I have seen things I can never burn from my vision. Read things I will never have the mercy of forgetting#Over silly little shitposts. Lmao. Anyway. Here. Have some food.
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Getting Stockholm syndrome'd by academics lately not even stressed about the fact I have to get thru like 700 pages of last-minute assigned readings between my classes before 9 AM Wednesday. Just chilling. Acknowledging the next 2 days are going to be intense and exhausting but will manage and get thru it a better theorist. Also there's Buster Keaton screening to mark the end of Round 1: Reading Hell
#finishing this chapter and getting thru at least half the next tonight before calling it quits#don't actually think I'll have the time to make this literally happen but I'll be prioritizing best I can#means i'm finishing last of media theory tomorrow morning and then going straight to marx and then from there every spare moment#is on these 2 ridiculous last minute theory books. explodes and dies#might meal prep a little tonight or tomorrow morning we'll see how tired i am#okay goodbye to my blog i have to go back to doing things or i'll drown and die forever and ever in film theory
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I love having nightmares for a week straight :) I love having dreams about dying or watching my friends and family die :) I love having dreams where there is nothing I can do except watch the bad shit happen and someone has a gun to my head forcing me to watch it happen :)
I love having multiple dreams in a single night about the same topic ^.^ it is really so enriching! It really makes me feel like dreams serve a purpose! It’s definitely not wearing me out and down into a spiral!
#i am so fucking tired#the last dream I had was about RWBY actually#but I was Ruby and had to watch Penny die AGAIN#literally woke up sobbing#there were asteroids falling from the sky and she threw me out of the way of one#and then she died#again#and I knew Salem was to blame somehow#and that Salem knew this exact thing would happen#and that I would have to watch it#not the first time I’ve dreamed of media#but it’s unusual#the one before that was about my best friend and their girlfriend dying#so ya know#at least the RWBY dream wasn’t that bad
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Apparently I can meet my goal of roughly 400,000 words in 6 months if I just somehow write at least 2,200 words a day ghbjh... Almost 2,500 today... huzzah...
#Definitely not going to be able to stick with it just due to like... being realistic about my energy levels and etc. ESPECIALLY as we#enter the Evil Summer and it becomes hot all the time. But... one can attempt.. at least...#I'm also a very slow writer since I tend to re-read and edit while I write. and only move onto the next section once what I'm writing#seems okay. Which is easy for visual novel type stuff. since ''sections'' of a conversation are more clearly marked (like if you#have a menu option with 5 different dialogue choices. finish the character's response for choice 1 before moving onto 2. etc.)#Especially since when I'm done with a whole quest I always follow it up by playing through it and picking every option and making sure it#actually all works okay and etc. So I am already going to see it all a second time. Then I can go back and reorder a few words or remove#certain sentences that don't sound natural when I read them out loud (I always read it all outloud to myself since it is... just peple#talking.. it should sound like natural dialogue in their voice. etc). But my ''first draft'' is kind of not as first drafty since I pause t#edit a lot as I go along. So it also takes longer probably than it would take other people who I think treat a first draft as more#of a loose guideline or something. AANYWAY...#80F in my bedroom right now again... huzzah... I did end up finishing and recording that sims build video before the heat wave (or is#it really a heat wave if it's just summer..?? lol) came in.. but now... augh.. the editing... plus the costume photos and all else... Much#to do as always.. Often such a long todo list.. a giant scroll hung upon the walls of the evil hermit wizard tower..#Anyhow.. I hope I can finish getting ready for bed early in time to reward myself with a game of tripeaks solitaire whilst I snack on#cheddar cheese and some of those preserved artichokes in a jar. hrgm... I actually have nasturtiums (ultimate best flower) on the#deck again this year but I had to move them all into a corner today because the leaves were getting burnt by the sun lol.. Also am now more#cautiously weaving through social media to ignore all dragon age news. NOT bc of spoilers (I actually love spoilers/literally never play#any game until there's full guides on it I can read to plan my entire playthrough based on knowing exactly what I want to happen lol + mods#and etc.) but just because I'm so busy with my ownprojects I simply do not have the brainspace to dedicate... Yes I love to think#about elves and fictional universe lore. but no.. I pretend I do not see it. Does not exist to me actually. ghgj.. OHH also took som#cool pictures of flowers in the garden section of a store and I wanted to do like.. character designs based on the colors of the flowers o#something. but that might just be another unnecessary project to add to the pile.. I want to commit to the daunting task of dyeing my#hair again some time.. hrm.. this is all of the updates I can think of. As if a bunch of random tags make up for never posting anything for#weeks on end lol.. alas.. too warm to think properly I suppose.. .. I neeeeeed a long lost relative to leave me some million dollar#estate in their will so I can have the resources to move to a colder climate or something ..augh#.. but for now.. I shall toil away in my little wizard tower trying to write 2000 something words a day whilst sweating and such ghbj
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the wildest thing about the state of reading comprehension these days is reading some meta on your dash and thinking yeah that's good. op is totally right. but like. why does it need to be said. isn't that already painfully obvious. but then you find out that op was actually debunking the most popular character misconception that is basically accepted by the fandom and is used for all kinds of memes headcanons and fanart as (sometimes the only one) valid canon characterisation and yeah. it doesn't only need to be said loud and clear but also speaker is recommended as well as writing all of that in bold font on the biggest most visible banner possible
#like no this is wild! this happened to me so many times!#and i don't want to brag about being sooo smart and insightful because i am not#i miss so many things when i get into new stuff. i would not be the best student into fandom analysis class or whatever#but there is also stuff that was like. explicitly stated in a piece of media. both literally and metaphorically#and sometimes (a lot of times) people manage to completely miss it even if it was the whole point#and it's sad and baffling. honestly#man i wish we stopped acting like media analysis is boring and not fun#because you know what's boring and not fun? experiencing things only on a surface level#and at this point it's not even scratching surface. it's flying a couple of meters over it and trying to judge soil composition by its looks#uh that was long. and unprovoked. sorry i kinda forgot how to rant properly and also am tired from the flight
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completely rhetorical question, I know exactly why they do, but also why do people succumb to pairing star/gale? or rather, how do they? is it not boring, do you not get bored? I cannot imagine being continuously entertained by such a bland pair. wyll is right there, man.
#thoughts about media#no fandom tag lest this breach containment.#I am merely coping with discovering that one of the very few artists I like enjoys that pair.#not to sound pretentious or anything. I simply don't make an effort to keep track of fandom happenings as I used to.#I haven't the time between work. making my own art. the unending pain. and playing video game.#it's better that way anyway. being too involved in a fandom is not good for the mental health.#also I must clarify-- because this is social media and people Love to assume the worst--#I am not heartbroken or anything lmao. I still like the artist. I just do Not get the appeal of that pairing.#and please. do not try and explain to me why you may like it if you do. I've already tried to understand it and I cannot.#star is much better with. well anyone but gale. SH. or the urge.#gale is better with literally anyone other than star.#and wyll is the best because he works wonderfully with everyone and I genuinely like all origin pairs with him.
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nimona 🤝 black sails
making me go crazy
#nimona#literally the best piece of media ive consumed in a long time#actually made me feel great about myself and helped me realise what is it that im feeling#anyway go watch it if you haven't already#okay and i gotta say it im so fucking happy for the asian rep it has because fuck yeah and not one but TWO and main characters#like oh my fucking god and they are different kinds of asians too like one is korean and the other is pakistani#dark skinned asian rep middle eastern character because pakistan is in middle east i am from middle east i feel seen actually#because every time they say asian it's always east asia and never west or south west asia which is like crazy
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i just fell into a criminally bad rabbit hole i have in a very long time
#i got high and realized the way i used to feel attraction as a kid was probably through association with the latest infatuation#and i think the last time the strongest infatuation was peak puberty at 10 years old#i literally still think about him sometimes it’s been 16 years bro but anyways i couldn’t find any social media to stalk#so i did the next best which is a plain google and instead of like grad school papers i was hoping to find#i found a fucking state level case of his dad and step dad fighting over his late mom’s life insurance#i am horrified of the power of the internet but i am also like so sorry that happened#but ok unless we reconnect in a positive way i am keeping this to the grave 😌 i lw miss him though 😔#NVM EVEN IF ITS REALLY POSITIVE I CANT ACT LIKE I READ A WHOLE ASS END TO END STORY ABT HIS LIFE FROM A LAW
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Maybe I should just block her atp out of spite
#I won’t. because I won’t let myself be ruled by negative emotions like this.#but given that whenever I message her she takes weeks to respond despite being on social media like all the time#it’s like why even bother#trying to maintain a friendship that clearly she does not care about despite how much she claims to#if you care about me then why when I ask you for help do you not respond? when I ask how you are you seldom respond#and like I get I am bad at replying and sometimes people are busy but this is literally every time and also we’re supposed to be#best friends but it really doesn’t feel like that
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as much as i enjoy jayvik i have to say there is a very specific type of jayvik truther that annoys the hell out of me. why are you acting like you got queerbaited when caitvi is right there
#i get the disappointment i rlly do#but like. their relationship feels a lot more impactful narratively through a platonic lens#idk#i just dont think its fair for people to act like the show is an irredeemable piece of queer media when it has one of the best rep in ages#possibly of all time#hell we literally got like a minute of lesbian sex on screen. and they stayed together at the end. why are we focusing on the doomed yaoi#that was never meant to be canon in the first place#anyway its 3:30 am so this post is probably unjustified but im postng it anywayzz#arcane spoilers#slug rambles
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yeah i think i've fully come to terms with the fact that i'm 100% somewhere on the ace spectrum lol
#dax rambles#i'm still absolutely bi but i'm just so fucking indifferent towards sex and relationship shit 90% of the time#i have attraction towards whatever gender but i don't even really consider it or think about it -- granted there is stuff i'm attracted to#i do like many various masculine & feminine features etc -- but ultimately it's just like i'm attracted to who i'm attracted to lol#but i really don't give much of a shit about sex itself really outside of when i'm in gooner mode and even then i only really care about#my weird fetishes/kinks LMAO#and relationship-wise it's the same though yeah i still want a relationship and have a possible crush on someone -- though that could be a#rebound thing since i went through a pretty rough breakup earlier this year + there's some other stuff so i doubt i'll act on it -- but#when it comes to relationships in general like in media and shit i really do not care honestly aside from a small handful of exceptions lol#like i still see so many people talking about shipping constantly here and i'm realising how truly little i give a shit about any#of that kind of stuff LMAO like more power to you but yeah it's never been something i'm that interested in at all aside from a small#handful of ships i like but honestly that's more of a lesser point#i just have zero interest in romance outside of what my own relationships would be i guess is the best way to put it#and i know i could never ever ever be in a relationship with someone who i haven't at least known as a friend for a good few years prior#like no fucking way lmao i need that established level of trust and bond + chemistry but i've literally never developed a crush on someone#outside of friends anyway so lmao and by crush i do mean someone who i would want to try a relationship with not just#“i'm attracted to this person” when it comes to attraction it's whatever and even with that it's very much a “damn they're hot would” and#that's about it lol it's not really super often either which is another main reason why i'm pretty confident i'm asexual to a degree#i think it was something i was in denial about for a while because i'm very happy with & enjoy being bisexual but either way i am still bi#it's just that the way i'm attracted to people & have little interest in sex itself is additionally some type of asexual experience lol#i'll probably delete this later unless i forgor i don't really give a shit though lmao
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hey guys what do you do when your best friend of eight years is slowly abandoning you for a boyfriend that’s been historically manipulative and an asshole to you because you actually speak up when he does shitty things? and you love her but it doesn’t feel like love and you don’t even remember what made you want to be friends anymore and you don’t feel at ease around her because you’re afraid to say the wrong thing or talk too much. and it’s been so long and you’ve changed so much that it feels like all your edges scrape against each other where they used to fit nice and snug. and she doesn’t want to be touched but it hurts so much when she cringes away from you and she says that she’s in your corner and that you’re her best friend but it feels like you’re a younger sibling or naive cousin that she has to humor. and you’re terrified of not being good enough or bad enough or cool enough or funny enough because it doesn’t even seem like she cares about you anymore or like she wants you around? just asking for a friend you know :))
#let’s play a fun game of is it my adhd fueled emotional dysregulation or am i genuinely picking up on real feelings#jesus i need to find friends i can actually believe care about me where the fuck do i find them tho#ebay ? costco ?#rant post#personal rant#feel free to ignore or just like in solidarity i just need to put this somewhere#or else ill start vaguing on social media and that did NOT end well last time#aka i forgot to click a fucking button and said best friend and boyfriend were literally the first to see it
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Hello! I see people here are talking about Gaza again.
I’m not one to vaguepost, nor do I usually spend time arguing with zionists and liberals online, but the amount of “pro-Palestine” liberals I’ve seen in the last day saying that Gazans “deserve genocide” because Trump won…
I’m not surprised to hear that democrats are mad at third-party voters. It’s true that even if all swing third-party votes went to Kamala she’d still have lost, but reality isn’t important to these people. Democrats want a monopoly - of course they’re upset at everyone who isn’t voting for their party. Of course they’re more upset with communists and anarchists than they are with nazis.
None of this is new. But even though we’ve seen these patterns before, I am absolutely sick to witness these people blaming Palestinians for this. I’m sick hearing them almost gleefully wishing for Gaza to be turned into a parking lot. I’m sick coming across individualistic little diatribes about how they’re “done” boycotting, “done” helping others.
Is it Palestinians’ fault that Kamala’s campaign was so poorly run?
Is it Palestinians’ fault that the US is now so full of nazis that the Democrats lost the popular vote for the first time since 2004, by 5 million votes?
Is it Palestinians’ fault that the US supplies and supports Israel in their annihilation of Gaza and other occupied Palestinian territories, as well as neighbouring countries?
Is it Palestinians’ fault that the government assisting Israel’s genocidal project was, for the past four years, Biden’s administration? A Democrat’s administration?
The crime that Palestinians have committed in the eyes of these liberals is the crime of existing where said liberals can see them - namely, on social media. The unofficial charges: not being silent, resisting, asking for help from the people best equipped to give money for their survival. So again, I’ll ask - is it the fault of Palestinians that the people best equipped to help them are those in the imperial core? That the people Palestinians must go to for help are people benefitting from both this genocide and the genocides the empires that house them are built on?
Of course the gravest offence is interrupting the liberal supply of white noise. Comfort is, after all, the biggest priority in liberalism - silence and denial is self care. Murder by proxy is the most popular of hobbies, and is best enjoyed with the sound off. But Palestinians are not quiet. You can see their faces now - and the identification of them as something other than faceless, or rather someone, begins to burrow through the insulation built up around you.
You have the barest sense of how fragile your world is. You can either turn away from this, or continue your journey towards the truth. These liberals are examples of those violently turning away and taking up the slaughter again, desperate to dispel any reminders that they are not the only people on earth worthy of life.
You can literally buy an indulgence now by donating to a Palestinian fundraiser. Yes, even if you’re not a Democrat, or you’re from Europe (chances are your government supplies Israel too, or is at least complacent), or there’s any other facet of your identity that supplies nuance. This is up to all of us, no matter who we are.
I’ve been spotlighting Falastin’s campaign to save her family in Gaza for more than two months now. I will continue to do so until they’re safe; but their safety will likely be a long time coming. This is in part because Falastin’s campaign must support 24 people, and in part because donations are slowing down - not only for Falastin, but for a lot of other fundraisers I keep an eye on. To be afraid for so many people while watching liberals angrily abandoning this cause is distressing and disheartening.
This is life or death. I don’t care who you are, and I care even less to hear if you’ve voted or who you voted for. All I ask is that you boost this post and, if you can, donate to Falastin. The Gofundme is in SEK and the rates are:
10$ = 107 SEK
25$ = 269 SEK
50$ = 538 SEK
100$ = 1,076 SEK
You can also donate via PayPal in USD: [LINK]
We also host a raffle for hand-made Palestinian thob [info HERE], and the first winner will be chosen in a bit less than 2 days.
P. S. Yes, Falastin’s campaign has been vetted, several times across multiple platforms:
#282 in El-Shab-Hussein and Nabulsi's spreadsheet [HERE],
#957 in the Butterfly Project spreadsheet [HERE]
Falastin's account: [LINK]
#falastin#gaza#palestine#yep another long post bc short ones do not get traction.#spent at least 5 hours on this
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no, actually, where is the whimsy?
my ex had a best friend named larry who asked me once: what do you think comes after irony?
we were at the bar where larry worked. it was a quiet night, and he'd hopped over to sit with us on the patron side. i swirled the lemon around my limoncello martini.
earnest positivity, i said, while my ex said, art self-destructs.
i stared at my ex. he stared at me.
his argument was the cinemasins argument: look how bad media is becoming! look at the loopholes and the dumb shit!
it was roughly 2011. galaxy print was still in. at the time, i had a favorite shirt that was a wolf howling at the moon. it got ripped in half in the wash and i honestly still mourn it. i dressed like effie stonem, because everyone did. and irony was the name of the thing. men liked MLP "ironically." the internet liked the kind of crass, "anti-mainstream" vibes of things like fuck romance, touch my butt and buy me pizza. we put cats in sunglasses everywhere, which was because we only liked things in irony.
and media had the same vibe in it: anti-hero white men would be "hard to love" and then storm off the scene. nobody was just earnestly trying to save the world: they were jaded, angry, unoriginal. mad you even asked them to try to help.
my ex ends up not being wrong. cinemasins becomes super popular. a lot of people start viewing media with this lens that is the cruelest, most jaded depiction. it's wrong for your character to have unexplained powers, even if the entire movie is about how strange it is she has unexplained powers - that is still considered a "loophole." characters make thoughtless, panicked choices? loophole. characters are actually kind people, despite hardship? loophole. features a woman doing literally anything without assistance? loophole. movies become hyper-aware of scrutiny, and now irony rules the media.
which means you go to a movie, and the character has to turn to the screen and say "beats me!!" or one of the side characters has to have some kind of quip like "are you seriously telling me that you think this is normal?" because nothing can happen in earnest. like a sitcom laugh track, we now anticipate the fourth-wall break: the moment that the media acknowledges it is telling a story. the media has to apologize for itself, or else someone like my ex rolls their eyes.
but here's the thing: i wasn't wrong either.
the difference might be that i am (and always have been) so soft-hearted that any crack in the light of this world will spear me into the ground. and i was the poet in the relationship. (he thought that was the same thing as being naïve and stupid). i was making things daily. i knew how all of us artists are driven by some strange desire to evolve. he notably liked to critique art, not to create it.
so yes, i've made things that are bitter and angry and even ironic. i've made long, sharp poems with all capital letters, and i've made poems about how the silence stretches out like a song. someone wrote once that we will spend our whole lives just circling the place we grew up. i think it's more that we spend our whole lives trying to remake a home. i think it's that as we age, it becomes less exciting to build the castle on the beach - we become aware of erosion, of windforce. we realize what we really want is to come home to our dog, castle or not.
and while art in the foreground is mired in white male violence and irony, and aggression, and not taking anything seriously - i don't think that's true of all art. i think more and more artists are leaning in to the things we love. the world has changed so much. they have taken so many things from us. the only thing we have left is love. at the bottom of the moving box - all we get is the faint sense that we have to appreciate what little we've got. i can't enjoy this stuff ironically anymore: what room do i have for irony? if it makes me happy, that is an amazing thing. there are so few happy places left for me. i want to be happy because of how leaves shiver beside each other like nestling birds. i want to be happy because of the color pink, and how magenta doesn't exist. i have spent so much of this life suffering, i have earned my right to a gentle ending. if nothing matters, i get to assign meaning to the nothing. i get to create meaning. i am an artist first and foremost, which means creation is my thing.
where is the whimsy? wherever i fucking put it. because if this is my last fucking chance to do any good in this world - i want to do it earnestly. i want to write things that make you happy. that make people feel heard and seen. what comes after irony has to be positivity.
it was close to my 21st birthday. in 7 years, i would end up writing a book about this relationship, which is hopefully coming out somewhere around May 2024. i come back to this bar scene in my memories a lot. i keep thinking of how pale my ex was. the look that crossed his face. how i looked back at him. how for a moment, both of us couldn't recognize the other person. like the gulf between us was a suddenly wide and cavernous thing. like we were alien to each other. he never took my opinion seriously, and he always seemed surprised whenever his manic-pixie-dream-girl ever broke free of the plot. like in the whole time we were together, i wasn't human enough.
this knowledge: where he said nothing comes after, my only instinct was what comes after is love.
#spilled ink#writeblr#this is a real story lol#looking back i liked larry as a person SO much more than my ex hollyyyyy shitttt#compulsory heterosexuality will do you DIRTY#edit to correct effies name my apologies to effie and effies family
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