#or else ill start vaguing on social media and that did NOT end well last time

[ziorite]

hey guys what do you do when your best friend of eight years is slowly abandoning you for a boyfriend that’s been historically manipulative and an asshole to you because you actually speak up when he does shitty things? and you love her but it doesn’t feel like love and you don’t even remember what made you want to be friends anymore and you don’t feel at ease around her because you’re afraid to say the wrong thing or talk too much. and it’s been so long and you’ve changed so much that it feels like all your edges scrape against each other where they used to fit nice and snug. and she doesn’t want to be touched but it hurts so much when she cringes away from you and she says that she’s in your corner and that you’re her best friend but it feels like you’re a younger sibling or naive cousin that she has to humor. and you’re terrified of not being good enough or bad enough or cool enough or funny enough because it doesn’t even seem like she cares about you anymore or like she wants you around? just asking for a friend you know :))

[theheroheart]

New Years Meme 2020

@arqueete:  “This survey is a meme that has been passed around among my friends since back in LJ days. If you want to join in, please consider yourself tagged.”

I used to journal more, and stuff like this is really nice to look back on, because I have terrible memory for life stuff or the passage of time. So here, for future me.

1. What did you do in 2020 that you’d never done before? Uhhhh wear a mask to the grocery store? This was not a groundbreaking year for new experiences.

2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions and will you make more for next year? I didn't have any. I don't make any. I mean, sometimes I make them in the vague "I want to focus on this in the future", but I'll already have forgotten by March, like I don't really PLAN my life in such a way. I just have goals that aren't tied to specific points in time. You get there when you get there, and you choose what you want to prioritise.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? No, but my brother got married, which was very exciting because he's 40 and has never had a girlfriend who he considered important enough for me to meet. (And my sister-in-law is delightful.)

4. Did anyone close to you die? My (half-)brother's dad died a few weeks ago (cancer), but I didn't really know him, so I wouldn't say he was close to me. I did spend almost a week at my brother's place to be there for him though. And honestly, I kept thinking about how my mom's dead this year, because in a way I'm glad we didn't have to deal with this year together. She already died from respitory failure, had poor impulse control and sense of safety, and I would've been CONSTANTLY worried about her.

5. What countries did you visit? I was gonna go to Malaysia (for my brother's wedding celebration), but that didn't happen. (Flatmates were gonna go to Japan.) So. Yeah. Home country all the way.

6. What would you like to have in 2021 that you lacked in 2020? A driving force to move forward in my life?

7. What date from 2020 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? I don't think... that there is one specific day? I guess the US election? Despite me being Norwegian, it's still fairly historic.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? /stares blankly at the wall I did do some nice art pieces? I coped? I managed to have good times and make friends despite everything else.

9. What was your biggest failure? I dropped out of two classes specifically because I couldn't do remote learning and self-structured study (BECAUSE ADHD YO), even though it wasn't even that HARD subjects, which was very frustrating. It hasn't set my study plan back, thankfully, but it still felt like a waste.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Only mental. And thankfully not as bad as it could've been, but hell yeah there was some strong anxiety in there.

11. What was the best thing you bought? I've bought some great video games this year. Animal Crossing brought 250 hours of fun, Hades brought 100 hours so far. Good investments.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? // 13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Both of these are related to pandemic behavior so I think you can guess.

14. Where did most of your money go? Entertainment? Also, god, I spent so much money on theatre tickets that are now just vouchers for non-specific future performances. I'll get my money's worth eventually, but right now it's hundres of dollars worth just sitting in vouchers. OH, and, digital D&D books.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? I had tickets for Chess. Several tickets, for multiple performances. STILL HAVEN'T SEEN THIS PRODUCTION THOUGH. But they're still doing it so hopefully it will still happen.

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2020? Not sure I have any specific ones, actually. No iconic music.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: Last year I was feeling very accomplished. I was challenging myself, had befriended lots of classmates, had gotten through some stuff I was quite proud of managing. This year has been... not that. But on the other hand, I'm not as exhausted from school stuff, and I'm ready to actually go places and try to do things, as opposed to just wanting a month long nap.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? General life maintainance stuff. Not just school work, but like, focus more on money sensibility and try to get on disability, go to the dentist, work with my doctor more... All of that got a little bit just... postponed indefinitely.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Uh, can't think of any notable negative behaviour. It's mostly stuff I didn't do. Like, I had some bad anxiety in the spring, but honestly I think I did an appropriate amount of worrying.

20. How will you be spending Christmas? Had my first christmas with my flatmates (whom I love very much), and had my dad over as well. It was very lovely, and socially way less draining than usual.

22. Did you fall in love in 2020? lmao I'm aromantic

23. How many one-night stands? lmao I'm asexual

24. What was your favorite TV program? There were a few this year! Good Omens, The Queen's Gambit, Julie and the Phantoms, Avenue 5. There were more I watched and enjoyed, but I think those stand out the most. Also, does Critical Role count? OH, The Baby Sitters Club! A lot of good stuff.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? Nah. I don't hate a lot of people.

26. What was the best book you read? Don't think I read anything notable this year. Don't read a lot of books, I prefer to consume stories in other media.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Julie and the Phantoms. Not because the music is astounding or anything, but it was very feel-good and fun. Don't think I had a lot of new music.

28. What did you want and get? D&D campaigns? Have gotten really invested in one of them in particular, it's delightful.

29. What was your favorite film of this year? Hmmm. The only one that stands out was The Old Guard. I watch more series than films. 2 hours isn't long enough for me to get properly invested AND satisfied.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 33 and I don't know that I did anything special. I think I just chilled? Flatmates made me a nice breakfast!

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Having the energy for essays/exams, probably. Just feeling like I actually had some accomplishments. OR LIKE. If Norway did like New Zealand and just wiped the virus out.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2020? Pyjamas. Occasionally 'apocalypse chic'.

34. What kept you sane? My flatmates and my dad. Reliable social interaction with people I care about.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Matthew McNulty, which applies to every single year. But this year I started both a gallery website and a discord server for him, so it was a particularly good year for him.  (Special mention to Paul Spera, who I finally talked to face-to-face, through Zoom, but still.) Also I'm using 'fancy' platonically.

36. What political issue stirred you the most? Ha aha hah all of them, oh god. BLM, probably, though. That was when I still had the energy to get invested.

37. Who did you miss? So many people. Like, come on. I don't know that it was even specific people so much just... being in a group? Like, my choir gang?

38. Who was the best new person you met? Met a guy I ended up playing a LOT of board games with. We haven't really talked in a few months now tho. And there's a friend I didn't MEET this year, but I really connected with, who's also now my DM, which was really nice.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2020: It's not necessarily new knowledge, but this year has really driven home the need for both community solidarity and governmental support/leadership.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: I'm alone in my apartment, that means I can do anything / I'm not wearing pants (alone in my apartment - Brian David Gilbert)

Summary: It's been a conflicted year, a lot has felt like it's been on stand-still, but there's still been some good things in there.

[marcosbtvc462]

3 Quick Ways To  Find Out Sxymilf.Com

Pornography Market Considers Attack Accusations As Well As A String Of Deaths.

The pornography industry seems to obtain a freebie to advertise constantly unsafe and violent web content for sex-related enjoyment to any person with a net signal ... and also it's an issue. There is extremely little study offered on the influence on entertainers within this improperly managed industry. As well as in spite of regulations banning the work of performers under the legal age, there are still issues involving consent amongst recently legal females in the age range.

Hardcore Amateur Pornography Videos

Some place amateur pornography, web camming, sex playthings, and also strip clubs right into one large pail of sex-industry income, while others just consider the pornography sector to be comprised of money being made by expert media and also entertainment companies. One element of objectification that is seldom pointed out is the issue of durability. Pornography "consistently chews up and spits out entertainers." Very few make a job in the sector as well as newcomers seldom make greater than $1,000 for a sex scene. Even supervisors of a porn film will likely earn less than $1,500 daily of shooting.

Mia and also her group have actually offered many economic offers to the existing proprietors of her domain name as well as pornographic videos to no avail.

It indicates that they make extremely bit off their videos, as the very same firm that their video clips are possessed by, coincide individuals that are pirating it and also publishing it to these free internet sites.

One is a female running barefoot on a treadmill in a thong, with the vague title "End Coronavirus." An additional includes two individuals in fogged-up hazmat suits pretending to fuck through the rubbery material.

Big corporations are not providing Mia Khalifa a fair chance to demand her material in court as a result of financial advantage.

Gauleporno.

The 2nd lesson from the porn sector involves customized porn through what's known as web cam girls. That's where you pay per minute to talk with a live lady who will certainly take requests. Such personalized porn is beneficial because it can never be pirated. What you like will seldom be what other people like and what you wish to see will certainly practically never be exactly what someone else wants to see. It could not come as a surprise that when social distancing is being extensively applied, the porn market would promptly be impacted.

Because not just did the pornography industry develop revenge porn, it is also curious about maintaining this "rewarding" practice, just the same means as it proceeds discovering new means to abuse women, and also often males, to create new demands. If ever before criticised, the industry's spokespeople will preserve that is simply a business like any various other, simply a work like any other-- or that they are vanguards of complimentary speech.

An examination right into 4 situations of heterosexual HIV transmission in the Los Angeles adult movie sector in 2004 has actually revealed that the adult film manufacturers involved did not adhere to Californian State occupational health and wellness guidelines. The examination is reported in the September 23rd edition of Morbidity and also Death Weekly Review. Prophylactics are not regularly utilized in heterosexual porn created in Los Angeles, and also state and also federal government investigators discovered that entertainers were relying on regular monthly HIV viral tons tests to determine their HIV infection status.

While in the beginning those quantities may sound good to a run-away teenager, in the long term such careers do not compare with normal Hollywood movie makers and stars. And also, as currently kept in mind, the sector consumes participants in appallingly short time periods. First, prostituted girls and also women are regularly utilized to film porn.

One of our customers, a porn starlet, approached us the day after she was released from hospital, where she had her anus sutured after the filming of a ruthless scene. She was mosting likely to be out of help a while and questioned what task protections may exist for her. She had actually been in business for three years, which has to do with as lengthy as a lot of females I have met ever last. She had no pension plan, had never listened to words "promo," as well as she had no suggestion just how to continue.

And also with so much time spent alone, many males are staying rational using their favorite grown-up amusement websites. But it's not simply airline companies and also friendliness struggling with the coronavirus outbreak, there can soon be a scarcity of new porn content as manufacturing is stopped as the sector seeks to prevent stars and staff https://sxymilf.com from capturing the illness. An additional expert of the porn market, American Lex Steele has acted in more than a 1000 adult films, routed greater than a 100 and emerged in conventional TV too. In contrast to what a lot of individuals assume, not all pornography stars remain in the profession due to a lack of cash or alternatives.

Much of what is affecting the pornography market is merely part of the inescapable pattern of innovation disruption. Songs, journalism and also movies are all ending up being far more autonomous. Obtaining web content absolutely free is easy, and also creating that web content is simple also. As a matter of fact, amateur content is several of one of the most prominent; after years of bleached blonde hair and fake busts, people want credibility.

They might have started acting in adult films because of a lack of cash, but they stuck around because, as appears, if you hit the big time, you can make money majorly. In fact, some of the richest grown-up stars on the planet today don't also make their money from wrecking uglies, they make it from their very own organizations and products, such as sex toys, publications as well as various other points they put their name on. Let's utilize this moment to eliminate together against sexual exploitation by withstanding the porn industry that has actually made money from it for far as well long. Instead of being in isolation where the lure is more powerful, collaborate as well as work together with fellow supporters against the risks of porn. After offering free "costs" web content to individuals quarantined in Italy, France, as well as Spain, PornHub extended the offer to everybody on March 24 for one month.

Frequently those prostituted girls and also ladies are trafficked-- that is, they have been drawn, compelled, persuaded or remain in sexual enslavement because of fraudulent adjustment. The targets are, typically, susceptible either mentally, literally or psychologically. They have no safety net or remain in a middle of a personal or actual trauma or dilemma.

Mia Khalifa is not against sex work, she is against the poisonous settings produced within the porn industry that take advantage of young, impressionable women. OnlyFans is such a celebrated system since it provides ladies, who happen to be interested in sex work, complete control over what they do as well as just how much they are spent for their work.

[jewpacabruhs]

hi guys! so this post is gonna be a rambly mess but fuck it, here ya go. if u dont wanna read all of it, u dont have to; skip down to underneath the tl;dr in bold text for the important bits :)

(there’s a brief & non-graphic mention of a triggering topic in the next paragraph. please be sure to skip this next paragraph if the thought of suicide is going to upset you.)

alright. so i didn't share this originally, but i spent some time in a psychiatric unit this month. suicidality related. 1000% unrelated from anything online, i've just struggled with depression for a very long time & shit happens. i didn't intend to share that at all & i certainly don't want pity; i'm telling u guys bc my time in the unit was extremely eye-opening, and i have some insight to share. since i've gotten out, with the help of my newest anti-depressant (fourth time’s a charm lol), i'm seeing the world in a better light & i finally have the energy to and the interest in exploring what it has to offer, which frankly i've never had before.

with that has come the realization that i’ve come to do something very unhealthy, and i want to break out of it. and that’s how much i’ve come to rely on my fandom life. i don’t want to get too candid publicly, but mental illness took a lot from me, and i lost most of my life, my future, and my options in the last few years. next year will involve a lot of working on rebuilding things. but in the time that i let things fall to pieces around me & i absolutely couldn’t get out of bed, i had a phone and i had a laptop. so when i couldn’t get up and physically face the world, i built up a new world online.

and i don’t think that’s a completely uncommon experience. most people are able to better manage things, and evenly juggle real life with an internet life (like i did back in middle school), because most people can’t abandon their real lives entirely like i managed to; but i do think a lot of people nowadays rely on their fandom life and their fandom friends when their irl situation isn’t ideal. and that’s an excellent coping mechanism in theory, but i think it’s debilitating in the long run.

forgive me for sounding like an old person, but i’m a heavy nostalgist and a bit of an anarcho-primitivist in that i resent modern technology's influence on society - but that hasn't stopped me from letting it be a big part of my life out of accessibility. the internet kept me occupied during my low points, and i became dependent, but i've realized i don't wanna live like that anymore. i’m vaguely grateful that it usually kept me busy enough that i wasn’t thinking the bad thoughts as frequently, but more than anything, i’m resentful that my grasp on reality got lost somewhere along the way, and i let time get away from me, too. because, again, an internet life should be a fun hobby, but when it’s a lifestyle and it becomes an excuse to avoid dealing with our real lives, bc our real lives aren’t as rewarding or as exciting, then it’s unhealthy.

everything’s at our fingertips these days, but i deeply believe human interaction, fun, and fulfillment shouldn't be spoon-fed to us through a screen. it's easy access, sure, but at the end of the day, is it any way to live? compared with how much world there is to see, i’m no longer satisfied with the thought of sitting behind a screen for another five years. i used to be, when i had no hope and no drive, but not anymore. i’m not gonna let myself settle for staying busy with the thing that takes the least amount of work & movement. not only because i’m a whole ass adult who needs to start sorting my shit out for the long run, but also because i deserve better.

and it’s fucking hard! especially for those of us who are neurodivergent. i dropped out of school three fucking times due to crippling social anxiety and utter lack of ambition and energy. i lost all my friends through that (making friends post-school is hard af); the thought of having to go out and remake friends makes me wanna fucking cry. i have a hard enough time making friends online, i’ve even come to struggle with correspondence thru text & email. phone calls? outta the question. but that’s therapy shit, and i know i’ll get there. i just have to stop putting life off by staying in a comfort zone.

and it’s interesting; depression and anxiety really took everything from me, and while i was dwelling in my own misery, my adhd worsened and decided to make my entire brain revolve around my fixations, so i didn’t have to deal with my own life. can’t think about how much you wanna die and how much you can’t function in society if you’re busy thinking about a ship you like or a character you find interesting. so i latched onto the safety of that. aggressively. problem with that is that once you let your “happiness” (as much of it as you can feel in the midst of your depressive episode, anyway) revolve around an interest, that’s all you have. so you become dependent and reliant, and that’s never good, especially if you’re someone like me who feels pathetic & ridiculous when you realize it’s all you can bring yourself to care about. 

and i think that’s what i realized in the psych ward (where there’s legitimately nothing to do; i did soooo much more thinking than usual, and i already think too much haha); mental illness will try to fuck up your lifestyle, so you have to eradicate the things that’ll let that happen in the first place. for example, like i said, my adhd tries to counteract my depression by making me hyperfixate and/or hyperfocus on something else to protect me from bad personal thoughts, and that’s good in theory (doing something you enjoy when you feel bad, to distract urself, is the number one most basic coping skill you learn), but i can’t do it in moderation, i let it run my life, and that’s made me worse in the long run. so i have to force myself out of that completely and not let myself fixate on things that make me happy in the short term, but don’t ultimately further me as a person. having fixations helped me through some awful times, but now i need to force myself to grow up, you know?

and while tumblr and other social media is an excellent way to indulge those fixations, it’s an aggressive enabler, in more ways than one. what i mean by that... okay, so while i’m the type of person who self-destructs while unhealthy, i do occasionally lash out. and i know some people completely explode rather than implode when they’re not doing well. and that’s how you get discourse, i think. because when mental illness makes us care much more about our interests than we ought to, and someone has a differing opinion about that interest, the instinct is of course to attack, if you’re that kind of person. i don’t think i am, but depression and boredom go hand in hand, and i might be inclined to care more about discourse than i would if i were healthy, purely because it’s entertaining and something to do. 

that’s a long winded way of saying, while i stand wholeheartedly by my past positions, i do regret starting shit in the first place. i’m not the kind of person who genuinely cares about much and i have little to no sense of morality (im a chaotic neutral bastard), so the fact i was bored enough to start shit really goes against my character and says a lot about how bad i’ve been. so i apologize for all that. but, again, i think that's just what happens when something is truly your everything. and i think the chronic negativity of modern fandom is a result of how damn seriously we all take it, because we care so much and we’re so dependent. fandom’s supposed to be fun, but it’s just too damn stressful this way.

idk my point in sharing all this, but i do think it'd be cool if this kinda got yall thinking. even if you don't engage in discourse, if fandom is just one of your only consistent sources of happiness, that's not healthy either. we all gotta break out & exist more & louder & more positively. and unfortunately i think tumblr fandom (and maybe all modern fandom) is no longer a place that encourages positivity and health.

but for all my criticism, i do just wanna say how eternally grateful i am that i was fortunate enough to meet the people i call my best friends through tumblr. they're my family, truly, and all the bullshit in this fandom has been worth it simply because it brought them to me. i love them to death and i always will, even if interests change, even if we grow apart, even if we quit speaking entirely in the next few years, i love them with my whole heart in a way that transcends a simple fandom friendship and i'm so glad we bonded over sp in the first place. that’ll never change.

i will also always love south park itself. now that the cat's outta the bag about my hospital visit, i can brag about my most pathetic and obsessive accomplishment; the fact that i've never let circumstance stop me from watching a new south park as it airs, and i've now watched sp on 1) an airplane, and 2) in a psych ward. i win for most dedicated fan tbfh. dsjkf & i'll keep that tradition, and i'll still watch this stupid show til it ends! it'll always hold a special place in my heart, & kyman's still my most meaningful & long-term ship. i'll never stop loving it. 

tl;dr

so, to recap; for 2020 i'm making myself step back from fandom (not just sp fandom, but fandom in general) and quit letting my world revolve around my fixations so i can enjoy the outside world a little more, mental illness be damned, and the first step is gonna be quitting tumblr. this blog won't be deleted and i may occasionally post (maybe when next season airs) but you're absolutely free to unfollow bc this'll be a mostly inactive blog. i’m also unfollowing everyone, so mutuals, please don’t take that personally. 

i will, however, try to write more prolifically, bc fic writing is something i'm able to do in moderation & enjoy, and i hope to get back into it. so if you'd like, you can keep an eye out for any upcoming fanfic i may post - my ao3 is leere. i also have snapchat, instagram, & twitter my mutuals can ask for asap (bc ill be logging out for good by the afternoon of the 31st, which is tomorrow) - though i'm not very active on any of them. still, if you wanna have access to me, i’ll be there.

i want some connection to the fandom still, albeit without letting my life revolve around it, so i'll be starting a new open-to-the-public kyman discord server! the post with the invite for that will go up soon. nvm im too anxious  

thank you for reading, thank you for the good times (thnks fr th mmrs), and i hope everyone has a good 2020! 

[i-heart-danchou]

Deserving

Okay!  This is for @bottomerwinweek​, prompt 1, Reunion/Reincarnation AU This ended up being a million words long (well, 6k), so I’m sorry about that.  I also switch between Levi and Erwin’s POV which will be differentiated using different fonts.  I hope you enjoy it! ------------------------- For as long as Erwin could remember, he had been harboring a secret.  It had started when he was a small child; he would wake up in the night screaming about titans and monsters and dangerous governments, and his father would cradle him to his chest and promise him, promise him, that he was safe in his bed.  It got worse over time- he had memories which weren’t his, visions of a world and a life that had never and could never have happened.  His parents had sent him to a school psychiatrist a number of times and the diagnosis often wavered between ‘wanting more attention’ and ‘severely mentally ill.’ He learned rapidly to hide his dreams, his memories, the pain of loss which he felt every day.  It was easier to make friends that way, to do well in school, to be bright and successful like everyone seemed to envision for him.  His parents were glad; it was just a phase, then.  Imaginary friends, he’d grown out of it. Over time he learned that virtually no one else in the world experienced life as he did.  His friends at school weren’t born yearning for a face in their dreams, and certainly none of them had lived through the downfall of civilization, a military coup, nor been sentenced to death by hanging.  He assumed he was unwell, and after trying a number of different mood altering medications had determined that he wasn’t going to get any better. It would have been fine if it weren’t for Levi.  Dreams and delusions were easy enough to get past, but for as long as he could remember, Erwin Smith had been in love with another human being, one which (in this lifetime, at least) he had never even laid eyes on.  It was more challenging as he went through puberty, as his friends were discovering porn on the internet and their love for large breasts, Erwin found himself unable to get past this surly man in his mind. 

He was teased for being a prude, but it didn’t bother him.  The Levi in his heart was worth waiting for, and he couldn’t really imagine finding happiness with anyone else.  He had a few flings of course, short people with sharp eyes but… There was no one in this world who could hold a candle to what he’d shared with Levi— an odd mix of passion, trust, respect, and absolute devotion to one another.  Even the memories with Levi where things had been grim, dangerous or terse were precious to him.  

He smiled even now when he recalled Levi threatening to break his legs, how they’d fought hand to hand in those difficult beginnings… how Levi had swallowed his feelings and put Erwin first, telling him to give up on his dream in those last crucial moments.  

**

Erwin tried to find Levi in any way he could— searching for his name on social media, using the internet to see if there was anyone, anyone else in this world who had lived a past life like Erwin had.  That was how he connected with Mike, and the relief at knowing that he wasn’t crazy was almost impossible to describe.

They agreed to meet at a nice gastro-pub near Erwin’s work, and idly Erwin wondered if this was too good to be true.  He and Mike had been so close… and yet, he held himself responsible for Mike’s death.  It was likely that Mike resented him, blamed him, hated him now.  It might also just be a scam; a con artist online taking advantage of desperate people like Erwin.

He needn’t have worried though.  From under his umbrella Mike spotted him across the street and knew him immediately.  It wasn’t often Erwin was swept off his feet in an embrace, but he found himself actively reciprocating and burying his face into the warm crook of Mike’s neck.  “Erwin.”  He whispered, taking deep, long breaths in through his nose.  “It’s you.  It’s you.  I thought I was mad.”

Erwin squeezed tight, his heart racing in his chest.  He looked the same, he sounded the same, he smelled the same.   Fuck, it was real.  Levi was probably real.  He pulled away and looked into Mike’s eyes, his eyes crinkled with joy and relief.  He was almost too happy to speak.  

“You ah… you wanna grab an overpriced cocktail and some avocado based appetizer that probably won’t be served on plates?”  Mike managed eventually, his hands perched on Erwin’s shoulders.  

“I’d like that.”  Erwin nudged Mike’s body with his elbow and they walked in together.  

Erwin was all questions— have you always felt like this?  Have you found anyone else?  Nanaba?  Do you hide it?  Do you remember how you died?  Why is this happening?  Who are we?  Who were we?

Mike smirked, apparently glad that some things never changed.  Erwin’s inquisitive and brilliant mind was as sharp as it ever was.  “Yes, no, no, yes, no, I don’t know, I don’t know, and I don’t know.”  He said without much emotion in his voice.  

Erwin nodded.  “It’s funny.  I can’t remember how I died either.  I was leading the charge against the beast titan and... that’s where it ends.”  He swirled his drink around in the glass with his straw, watching the ice cubes dance.  “My whole life I’ve been researching alternate realities, parallel universes… trying to find evidence of these titans, of the walls… I haven’t found any.”  He looked wistful.  “I imagine we’re not the only ones.  A whole world can’t have disappeared into nothing.”

“I wonder.”  Mike mused.  “You might be onto something with parallel universes.  Wormholes, old souls, that kind of thing.”  He shrugged.  “I’m glad we found each other.”  

Erwin nodded.  “Me too.”  He could see it on Mike’s face; the man was searching for someone too.  A face in his dreams that consumed his heart and most of his thoughts.  He had a hole in his heart and only a faint memory guiding him towards fulfillment.  

**

By the time Erwin was approaching his thirty-fifth birthday, he had more or less given up on finding Levi again.  Or, that’s what he told himself anyway.  He’d tried to function in a romantic relationship a number of times, but nothing had ever quite clicked.  He was too aloof, maybe, not good enough at displaying his feelings.  He was never… there, in an emotional sense.  

Gone where the days when Erwin had browsed teashops, underground fighting rings, cleaning supply stores in hopes of finding Levi again.  Mike in that time had found Nanaba, and Erwin was truly happy for them both.  It was difficult to give up hope, he supposed, but hope was making it difficult to function.  In the other world his depression had consumed him, had damaged the lives of the people around him.  He didn’t want to make his parents worry, after all.  They had done so much for him.  

Despite his resolve, Erwin still found himself always keeping an eye out for Levi wherever he went.  He never used headphones in case he missed Levi’s voice calling out, he tended not to stare at his phone for a similar reason.  At night, he’d look through obituaries, death announcements, anything to just… prove that Levi existed.  That it was okay to give up on finding him.  

Nothing ever panned out, of course, so on his birthday he decided to treat himself.  He took the Monday off to give himself a nice three day weekend at the beach.  Living in the city as he did he very rarely got to get out and see nature, and… well, the ocean carried a lot of significance for him.   He’d always, always dreamed of seeing it with Levi one day.  

It wasn’t very difficult to rent a cottage by the beach in the middle of October, and he spent the better part of the weekend huddled up inside next to the quaint little fireplace.  The weather was awful, the winds were roaring, and he was glad he had a bit of privacy here.  He filled a solitary glass of wine and watched the watched the beautiful full moon break through the clouds and dance on the surface of the water.

**

The weather broke on his birthday, at least enough for him to stroll up and down the coast and get some fresh air.  He ignored the notifications on his phone and shoved it in his pocket.  Aging was hard.  Perhaps harder still now that he knew he was approaching the age when he’d died in that other world.  That Erwin Smith had accomplished so much in that time and… although this Erwin was successful by virtually all measures, he felt he had accomplished nothing. Thirty five years of looking for a ghost.  Thirty five years alone and desperate.  Happy fucking birthday, commander.  

He snuggled up against his thick woolly scarf and made his way down the pebbly shore.  The wind was harsh and angry, but at least the sun was vaguely trying to make itself known.  It wasn’t pleasant, but the ocean spray in his hair was making him feel alive.  There was something haunting and beautiful about the vast expanse of the sea, and he found himself looking across the horizon and wondering where… wondering where Levi was.  If he was even alive at all.

Possibly he needn’t have worried so much.  Off in the distance he heard a soft ‘fuck.’  

His ears pricked up, his eyes widened, and he scanned the beach.  Maybe a hundred yards away there was a slight man standing at the edge of the water, staring right back at him.  His arms were crossed, his eyes narrowed, a shock of black hair blowing in the wind around his eyes.  His clothes were worn but clean, he looked healthy.  

Levi.  Erwin’s mind was racing— it was Levi, it was Levi, he was certain of it—yet he hadn’t considered the possibility that Levi might not know him, might not remember or recognize him, might not want anything to do with him— shit. His heart ached with how much he adored this man, and it took everything he had to keep himself restrained and not throw himself at Levi.

He took a calming breath and started to approach, as it was apparent Levi was not going to come up to him first.  Each step closer hardened his resolve; it was Levi, he knew his face, he knew his stance, he knew this man.  Thirty five years of searching, it was him, it was him. 

“Levi?”   He called tentatively, carefully… as a young man, Levi had been so skittish and mistrusting.  Who knew how old he was now?  What his life had been like, if he had any reason to be wary of strange men calling out to him on the beach.  

There was something difficult in Levi’s expression— pain, certainly, worry, confusion, heartache… a touch of excitement, disbelief, joy too… but… pain was the predominating feature.  “Erwin.”  He said at last.  “Of all the fucking beaches in all the fucking world.”

They didn’t run to meet each other in the sand and hug, they didn’t kiss, they didn’t cry.  That interaction answered a few questions, actually.  Levi knew him.  Levi had at least some of his memories from the past.  Levi likely had met someone else from their world, or he would have been much, much more surprised to see him.  And… Levi had been actively avoiding him all this time.

Erwin hesitated for a moment, trying to plan how best to proceed.  “It… it’s been a while.”  

Levi’s expression fell into something detached and cynical, a more typical look for him to be sure.  “Yeah.”

“I rented a little cottage by the water.”  Erwin said, forcing a plastic smile to his lips.  “Do you want to come in so we can catch up?”

A war raged in Levi’s eyes.  “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”  He muttered, and started turning his back on Erwin.  

“Levi.”  Erwin said softly, the vulnerability and hurt was obvious in his voice.  “Please don’t walk away from me again.  I’ve been searching my whole life for you.  Only you.  Please.”

Levi pinched the bridge of his nose and let out a small groan.  “Fine.  It better not be a long walk.”

**

They were both silent as they walked to the cabin, the soft crunch of the sand beneath their feet and the soft roar of the waves as they hit the shore were the only real sounds.  Erwin kept a respectful distance from Levi, but he noticed that although Levi was keeping his eyes in front of him, on occasion he snuck a little glance up at Erwin.  He smiled then.  It was such a Levi thing to do that it made his heart sing.

“Make yourself at home.”  Erwin said pleasantly when they arrived, tossing a log onto the dying embers in the fireplace.  

“You kept the place clean.”  Levi remarked with no small amount of surprise.  His fingers ran along one of the wooden surfaces, coming up dust free.  “Not bad.”

Erwin chuckled.  “My whole life I’ve been looking for you, Levi.  I got into the habit of keeping a clean home just in case.”  

Levi cocked an eyebrow.  “Gay.”  He decided, inviting himself into the kitchen so he could brew them both some nice tea.  

The swell of love that Erwin felt was almost indescribable.  His face ached from smiling, and it was all he could do to stop himself from hugging Levi from behind, from kissing his neck up and down, from running to the bedroom and just… seeing where the day took him.  

But he didn’t do that.  “I suppose so.”  He tried to swallow his smile.  “How have you been, Levi?  Tell me about—“

“What do you remember?”  Levi demanded, his eyes sharp and desperate.  “From before.”

Erwin swallowed.  “I remember titans.  I remember a world crushed from the outside by disgusting monsters who threatened to destroy everything.  I remember losing my father to my own stupidity, and I remember being in the army.  I found a young man in the underground who changed my life, a man so brilliant and talented that I believed he and I could save the world together.  He was my right hand, and he stood beside me and supported me through all my crazy ideas.  I was in love with him, and he knew me better than I knew myself.”

He paused there, watching Levi carefully.  He’d always been good at coaching his expressions, and he was difficult to read, but… the pain in his face was escalating, and the tips of his ears were red.  “We did everything together.  People seldom saw me without him— without you.  You supported me through losing my arm, through the coup, you helped me chase my dream and… and when everything was falling around us, you stood beside me and helped me lead the final charge.  I died proud, I died as the man I wanted to be.  I died knowing you would finish what I started.”  He reached over and took Levi’s hand.  “You were in my heart as I faced the beast titan.  The greatest love of my life.”

Levi’s face was grey and ashen.  He pulled his hand away from Erwin and licked his lips.  “Do you want to know what was in the basement?”

Erwin narrowed his eyes for a moment.  “Yes.”  

“You were right.”   Levi said, putting on his coat as he headed to the door.  “You were right about everything.”

**

Letting Erwin die had been the hardest thing Levi had ever done.  Leaving him alone in that cottage, that desperately lonely look in his eyes, was certainly a close second.  His whole life he’d been dreaming of Erwin, wondering where he was, what his life had ended up like.  He seemed put together, at least.  Well dressed, wealthy, nice car, nice watch… good.  He’d done well in this life, he was probably happy, had friends… this was fine.  

Levi hastily texted Hanji before he got on his bike.  ‘Meet me at the bar.  Some bullshit happened.’

He had come to the ocean for the same reason Erwin had, dammit.  He’d wanted to be close to him on his birthday, he wanted to honor the commander in one of the only ways he could think of.  He didn’t fucking like the ocean, it was cold and polluted and fish fucked in it.  …besides, the ocean had always been a sore point for him.  It reminded him of Armin.  It reminded him of he day he’d let Erwin rest.  

He hated the ocean, but he often did things he hated out of respect for Erwin.  He hadn’t expected to actually find the piece of shit, with his stupid gorgeous face and his hopeful eyes and god dammit why was this happening?  He was never supposed to see him again.  Erwin deserved better.

Despite his helmet and hood Levi had ended up soaked by the time he peddled up to the bar.  “Levi you look like a drowned squirrel!   So cute.”  She patted him dry with some questionable bar napkins and Levi slapped her hand away.  

“Fuck off, Hanji.  I’m not in the mood.” He went behind the bar and poured them both some whiskey.  

She rolled her eyes.  “What, did you find Erwin or something?”

He shot her a glare so withering and severe that she actually flinched.  “Oh.  Jesus Levi.  I had no idea, I’m so sorry.”  She put a hand on his shoulder and he shrugged her away.  “Did… you talk to him?”

“Yeah.  He remembers the old world.  He remembers me.”  Levi swallowed.  “He doesn’t know how he died.  Hanji I can’t—“

“I know.”  She said gently.  “And you know that I’m going to tell you that he’s not going to be angry with you. You must have been wondering, right?  All these years— where he’s been, who he’s become, if he dreamed of you like you dreamed of him?  Finding me was one in a million, Levi!  Finding both of us was one in a billion!  Don’t fuck this one up because of your hangups.  Look at me.”  She forced him to make eye contact by clutching his cheeks.  “Erwin will love you no matter what.  Don’t fucking do this.”

Levi had reconnected with Hanji a few years earlier, purportedly by chance but he now suspected she had tracked him down on her own.  Her whole life had been marred with difficulty, as the memories of her past life had caused her nothing but trouble.  She had refused to hide her ‘mental impairment’ and it had cost her dearly.  When she had finally found Levi, she had broken down and sobbed.  

On Levi’s end, he had spent his whole life wondering if he was insane— cursing himself every time a tall blond man made him turn his head.  Meeting Hanji, confirming that it wasn’t all in his mind had been extremely liberating but… that meant Erwin was real too.

He’d been able to avoid tracking him down for a while, as Hanji was highly motivated to find Moblit first.  After an exhaustive search they found him at last, as the subject of a gofundme page for a young man with leukemia.  According to the last update, Moblit had died about two years prior, surrounded by family and loved ones.  Hanji didn’t speak about him much, but knowing Erwin was out there, that Levi was squandering this chance was probably killing her.

But it didn’t matter.  Levi had allowed Erwin to die.  He had snatched his last chance at life away, and ensured his dream would never come true.  Beyond that, he had failed to kill the beast titan.  Levi Ackerman had spent the last decades of his life crippled and useless, unable to join the final fray, unable to keep his vow.  Levi had survived all of them.  Little by little his world became empty, and he wasted away to nothing.  His penance had been a life of solitude and reflection, and that wasn’t about to change now.  

He had robbed the world of Erwin Smith, he didn’t deserve to find happiness with him now.  Erwin fucking deserved better.

**

Erwin had stood for a good long while staring at the door after Levi left.  He thought about following, about grabbing Levi’s arm and forcing him to stay but it just wasn’t the way Erwin operated.  He’d watched through the window as Levi had cycled off and covered his eyes with his hand.  

He could have followed, but he didn’t.  If Levi didn’t want anything to do with him, he had to respect that.  Perhaps it was enough to know that Levi was alive and well, that he was well, not happy exactly but… functional.  Fuck.  

He wondered what might have transpired in their old world to have gotten Levi to turn on him so completely.  Maybe in his last moments, Erwin had betrayed humanity, let them all down, disappointed Levi beyond measure.  Maybe Levi had reconsidered all of the deaths Erwin had been responsible for, maybe he blamed him and thought him a monster now.  Maybe he’d lived a long happy life in a titan free world, settled down with a nice man and felt disloyal to consider the love of another?

Erwin had never entertained the possibility that Levi would reject him if they were ever reunited.  He’d taken their love for granted, and now he was paying the emotional price.  Idly, he wondered if he would ever recover from such a blow.  

He called in sick to work for the rest of the week, and extended his lease on the cottage.  He was in no shape to work right now, and he needed some time to heal and plan his life from now on.  Levi was not an option anymore, and he had the rest of his life to think about.  Maybe he could get married now, give his parents some grandchildren.  Maybe he could fake his way through the rest of his life, and die knowing his soulmate had moved on long ago.  

It was fine.  He was fine.

He sunk into the plush little armchair which sat beside the fireplace.  His head fell into his hands and he took some deep, solid breaths as he tried to calm the miserable anxiety coiling in the pit of his stomach.  Depression had destroyed commander Smith once before.  He wondered if loneliness might do it this time.

His phone started buzzing in his pocket and of course he ignored it.  That is, until the buzzing became incessant, annoying, and worrying in its urgency.  An unknown number was calling, and he sent it straight to voice mail.  Immediately following was a series of texts.

‘Erwin, it’s Hanji, I found your number online.  I know Levi met up with you, I know everything is fucked up right now.  Can we talk?’

**

Levi examined the glass he was holding against the warm yellow light of the bar.  Spotless.  Just how he liked it.  His heart was aching and he swallowed it down, deftly placing the glass in line with its siblings.  Had it always been this monotonous?  In a strange way, it reminded him of what life had been like immediately after Erwin had died.  The world was darker, music seemed muted, everything moved slower.  

It had been an awful part of his life the first time it had happened.  He’d staggered through life, his face unchanging, having to hear the snickers and whispers of those who blamed him for letting Erwin go.  What a fool that Levi was, he’s doomed us all, and that Erwin Smith, what a monster, what a villain, the two of them deserved each other.  Levi had silently borne it all.  He owed no one an explanation, and he felt he deserved some retribution for what he’d done.  It had been the right call, but it was hard to convince himself of that sometimes.  

Eren and his cohort had scarcely noticed a difference in Levi after Erwin died, and he wasn’t surprised.  They got to their fucking ocean, and the world kept spinning like Erwin had never mattered.  The fucking shitshow that followed was another story entirely but… fuck, what was wrong with him?  Levi never reminisced like this, it was pathetic.  

He’d seen Erwin for less than an hour yesterday, and his whole life had been turned upside down once more.  The man had a strange and terrible power, that’s for sure.  He shut his eyes and tried to banish Erwin from his mind, but as was often the case his beautiful gentle smile came to the forefront of his thoughts and made his heart clench.  

He’d spent the last decades of his first life praying for a chance like this… to be with Erwin again, unencumbered, free, living a life where happiness was a real possibility but… he’d let Erwin die, he’d broken his promise.  Erwin deserved better.  

The bell above the door chimed cheerfully as a customer allowed himself into the bar.  Levi glanced up, started offering to take the guy’s order when he saw it was Erwin.  His eyes widened and his jaw clenched.  “What the hell are you doing here?  You followed me?”

Erwin shook his head.  “Hanji called me.  She told me I would find you here.”  He sat down at the bar.  “I’d like a beer, please.”

Levi poured him one of the microbrew special crafted IPA bullshit beers he had on tap and set the glass down in front of him.  

“Thank you, Levi.”  

Levi’s heart clenched and he felt like he might be sick.  

Erwin was silent for a moment as he sipped his beer.  He carefully placed the glass on a coaster and looked started watching Levi with those impossible beautiful eyes of his.  Levi knew he looked pained, nervous, highly strung, and defensive.  He hesitated, not sure what to say.

Erwin broke the silence, then. ��“I’d like to speak with you, Levi.  I’d like you to listen to what I have to say, and if at the end of that you still don’t want me to be a part of your life, I’ll accept it and I won’t bother you again.”

Levi met his eyes and nodded his consent.  How?  How could he still be under this man’s spell after a lifetime and a universe apart?

“I spent the final years of that other life loving you.  Wishing that we had the luxury of security and simplicity so we could just find happiness together.  Wishing for a world just like this one.  I loved that you were able to prioritize our mission, I loved how passionate we were, and I loved how I could be myself around you.  I’ve spent this entire life yearning for you and searching for you.  I never stopped loving you.”

Levi kept how moved he was off his face.  He kept his expression hard and cold. “You don’t understand.”  He muttered.  “You just don’t—“

“Hanji told me how I died.”  Erwin interjected, and Levi’s blood ran cold.  

“I don’t resent you for that, Levi.  She didn’t understand why you did what you did, but I do.”  He reached over and offered his hand for Levi to take.  His palm was warm and inviting looking, but Levi resisted taking it.  “You did it out of love.  It was a gift, an act of mercy.  You let me die with my humanity, my dreams, my sense of self intact.  I can’t forgive you, Levi.”  Levi’s heart dropped.   “…because there’s nothing for me to forgive.  You were right to let me go then.  I was ready to end it, I was at peace for once in my life.  It never would have ended up like this world, not in our lifetimes.  We never would have been happy.”  Erwin looked so tired, so hurt.  “We have this chance now.   A chance to carve a beautiful, peaceful life for ourselves.  I love you and I want to be with you.  Please, please don’t send me away.”

Levi recalled when Erwin had died.  How the news had hit him like a punch in the gut, how all at once the light had been snuffed from his life.  The way he’d crumpled into himself, picked up the pieces of his heart, and forced himself to keep standing.  Letting Erwin go was a choice he had to live with, one that he told himself he’d never regret, but… it had killed him.  His soul had died with Erwin, and that moment of intense, visceral pain hadn’t left him even now.  

He came out from behind the bar and hugged Erwin as tightly as he could.  His eyes screwed shut, the vague threat of tears at the back of his mind, he squeezed Erwin nice and hard and his breath hitched when he felt those strong arms envelop him.  “I missed you.”  Levi said simply.  “All this time, I thought of you.  I never stopped fighting for you, Erwin.  I never let you go, not really.”

“I know.”  Erwin’s voice was deep and soothing as ever, and Levi found himself smiling as Erwin nuzzled his hair.  

**

Erwin had often wondered what his first time with this world’s Levi would be like.  He sort of imagined someone getting slammed into a wall, fists raking through hair, more biting than kissing… a marathon of desperate animal sex which one might find in the deepest caves of the internet.  But it wasn’t like that at all.

Levi had closed the bar early and taken Erwin’s hand, and they’d walked to his little apartment in blissful, almost giddy silence.  Erwin followed Levi to his bedroom and sat down beside him on the mattress.  A comfortable beat of silence passed between them, and Levi made the first move.  

He crawled into Erwin’s lap and kissed him up and down his face, deft fingers working his shirt open, breathing in the soft skin beneath the fabric.  Levi was soft, tender, reverent even, and it made Erwin’s heart sing.  

Erwin cupped Levi’s face and drew him in for a kiss, urging him out of his clothes too.  Levi yielded, presented his neck, started rubbing himself along Erwin’s warm arousal.  He could see Levi wanted to be submissive, perhaps a show of apology for… everything, but it wasn’t exactly what Erwin had in mind.

In letting Erwin die, Levi likely felt he’d betrayed Erwin’s trust.  Like he’d been trusted with a precious jewel and he’d thrown it away without a thought.  Levi probably wanted to make things right, to spend the rest of his life apologizing and worrying that Erwin loathed him for his act of love and mercy.  Erwin didn’t want that.  They had this second chance, and he didn’t want to waste another second lamenting over a world filled with monsters and angry teenagers.

Levi began to prepare himself and Erwin gently caught his wrist with his hand.  “Not today.”  He said peacefully, his eyes hooded with affection.  Erwin leaned back on the bed and coyly spread his legs, an act of love and trust which he would do for no other.  “I want you.”  He informed Levi.  “I love you and I’ve never stopped loving you.  I always, always want to be with you.”

Levi’s expression relaxed into something trusting and warm, the little wrinkle between his eyebrows diminished and he licked his lips.  “You might regret that.”  He said, a light tease in his voice.  “You might not realize this, but I’m a cranky, fastidious, miserable little asshole.”

Erwin laughed and the mattress vibrated beneath him.  “I think I can probably handle that.  I’m a manipulative, emotionally distant, megalomaniacal bastard.”

“Not much has changed then, old man.”  Levi’s eyes were warm, a cautious joy threatening to mar his facial features.  He took his time prepping Erwin, kissing his temple and cheeks as he worked.  Every touch was tender, and the whole room was heavy with love and affection.  Erwin was glad to take Levi like this, and he shut his eyes against the pleasure he felt as he was filled.  

Yes.  Everything about this was right.  

The sex itself was over quicker than might be desirable, but perhaps that was to be expected considering how long they’d both wanted this.  It didn’t really matter; they were both satisfied, fulfilled, and drunk on each other.  Levi insisted on washing up before they cuddled, but as soon as they’d rinsed off Levi found his usual spot nestled up against Erwin’s chest.  

“I never thought this would happen.”  Levi admitted.  “I never imagined we could get time like this.  To just… be together.  Nothing hanging over our heads.  It’s not bad.”

Erwin smiled and stroked his shoulder.  “Not bad at all.”  He agreed.  “The rest of our lives is going to be like this.  I never want to be apart from you again.”  He kissed the top of Levi’s head.  “Move in with me?”

“Fuck, Erwin.  You move fast.  This wasn’t even a proper first date.”

“Oh goodness, you’re right.  I barely wined and dined you at all.  Your friends are going to think I’m terribly cheap.”

“Guess you could make it up to me by going for another round?”  Levi was smiling.  

“Levi, I’m sorry, but I’m just not the type of man who has sex twice on the first date.  I have to have some boundaries.”  Erwin was smiling too.

“You’re such a loser.”  Levi grumbled affectionately, wrapping his arms around Erwin’s neck and kissing him all over his face.  “You’d think I’d have developed better taste in men by now.”

“Mm, can’t argue with that.”  Erwin flipped him over and pinned him to the bed.  “You never said if you’d move in with me or not.”

Levi looked up at him, his eyes sparkling as he pushed Erwin’s hair out of his forehead and back into place.  “Duh.”  

**

Life fell into a pleasant routine after that.  Erwin sold his shares in his company and used the profits to buy a quaint little tea shop in a cozy village by the sea.  He loved his life with Levi, the simple pleasures that came with living a normal existence.  He was getting better at baking, and Levi seemed truly content.

Each night they’d make some time for each other, even if it was just snuggling up together while they both dicked around on their phones, or doing chores together, just… simple, gentle time.  

Sometimes they’d reminisce about the old world, or wonder about how the universes were connected, about the metaphysical implications of past lives or wormholes or… it didn’t matter.  Erwin sometimes surprised himself by not obsessing over that life anymore— the basement, even held only a small appeal now that there was no war to be won, no ghosts to avenge.  

Still.  It was in his nature to be curious.

“Levi?”  He asked one night, resting his head on Levi’s thigh as they both sprawled out on the couch together.  “So… after the basement, what happened next?”  He wiggled his eyebrows.  “Didja miss me?”

Levi flicked his forehead and let out an exasperated but affectionate sigh.  “Don’t even go there, Erwin.  The whole thing was a fucking shitshow and you should be thanking me that you weren’t there for it.  Teen angst everywhere.”

Erwin laughed and snuggled into the warm flesh of Levi’s leg.  “Mm.  We should have gotten a spinoff.” “Two old men bantering in the woods.  Dunno if it has any real market appeal, commander.”

Erwin just shut his eyes.  “We just need a media strategist.  I bet it’d be very popular.  I’ve never been wrong before.”  

Levi smiled and stroked Erwin’s hair.  “That’s true.”  His voice was gentle.  

Erwin found it so easy to fall asleep like this.  The couch was warm and comfortable, Levi’s body was soft and smelled amazing, and the gentle hand in his hair was soothing beyond words.  He drifted off with a smile on his face, wondering what Levi would mumble now that he was sure Erwin wouldn’t hear him.

“I love you, you bastard.”  The words were soft and reverent.  

Erwin wondered what he’d done to deserve such happiness.  

[girls-scenarios]

Girl Group Fic Rec

A/N: Because I feel bad that I’m not going to be posting much this week. Please enjoy these fics while I suffer through the last week of classes and four major papers. - Admin Kiwi

Twice

Bedside Manner - Nayeon/Jeongyeon - T - Jeongyeon ends up breaking the record for most visits to the hospital in a month. She claims she's doing it for the challenge, but her friends are pretty sure it has more to do with a certain nurse she keeps running into.

Actions Speak Louder - Nayeon/Jeongyeon - T - Fate normally sounds romantic, but Nayeon is beginning to think that it's a curse in the form of this damned mystery girl in her class. College!AU

in the mood for love - Chaeyoung/Tzuyu - Chaeyoung often laughed as if nobody were watching, and Tzuyu now understood when Teresa Teng sang of smiles being comparable to flowers blooming on a sweet, Spring day.

louder - Nayeon/Jeongyeon - jeongyeon marvelled at the way nayeon made her feel like everything was alright with the world.and even if it wasn’t, that’s fine too. because they could take on the world someday, so long as they were in this together. (based on jeongyeon's part-time job at the bakery that she had while she was a trainee.)

get off free. - Nayeon/Momo, Mina/Sana - M - placing the bloodied knife down onto the oak table, nayeon blinks once, taking a deep breath in. well, fuck. serial killer au.

The Great Fog of 1893 - Jihyo/Tzuyu - T/M(?) - Vampire!AU - The last dairy entries of Miss Park Jihyo, regarding the events leading up to her disappearance, in 1893.

points and theories - Chaeyoung/Tzuyu - G - chaeyoung loves math, and, although tzuyu doesn’t always understand, chaeyoung finds a way to make it simple

sugar, we’re going down - Tzuyu/Jihyo, Nayeon/Jeongyeon, Dahyun/Chaeyoung, Momo/Sana - M - "look!" nayeon's mouth is right at her ear. tzuyu doesn't even need to back away, because the volume's just right. "the purple-haired one, right at the front. apparently she's part veela."

Afterglow - Mina/Chaeyoung, Nayeon/Momo, Sana/Dahyun, Jihyo/Tzuyu - T -Twice/X-Men AU. After discovering she has the power of hypnosis, Mina is sent off by her parents to a hidden school for the gifted in Korea where she will be safe from anyone attempting to harness her powers as a weapon. There, Mina befriends eight other girls, each with extraordinary powers of their own, that will help her to come to terms with being a mutant, as well as help her learn to control her powers, which can be detrimental, even deadly, to those around her.

Another Pretty Face - Nayeon/Mina - G - Nayeon’s used to imagining herself in healthy relationships with beautiful strangers she sees on the streets. Mina’s an interesting character who keeps showing up in her life from time to time.

Nightswimming - Nayeon/Jeongyeon - T - Nayeon is first. She's the best. She's always the best. Until she's fourth. 2yeon swimming AU; in which Nayeon is the star of the college swim team and Jeongyeon is her roommate.

Compliment - Momo/Sana - G - Three times Momo complimented Sana thinking she didn’t know japanese and the one time Sana returned the compliment

Game - Nayeon/Jeongyeon, Sana/Dahyun, Momo/Mina - T - It's finally Jeongyeon's year. She's finally the starting pitcher and she's got this. At least she thinks she does. But the opposing team's head cheerleader, Im Nayeon has different plans.

A guide to handling the girl who makes you write Batman on her coffee cup. - Jihyo/Momo - G - In which Jihyo is a barista and Momo has way too much fun coming up with weird names.

Green Tea - Jeongyeon/Sana - G - Jeongyeon needs to focus on her essay for class buts it’s pretty hard when her crush is looking sad and ill in the next room. Jeongyeon can’t act on it they’re unwritten rules about falling in love with your housemates. Right?

LOONA

On That Day, I Wished It Would Blossom in the Sun - Kim Lip/JinSoul - T - In which Jungeun is the local florist and Jinsoul is the tattoo artist down the road whose smile renders Jungeun speechless, leaves her desperately searching for wherever the air in her lungs went. She thinks Jinsoul took it with her.

the coloring book - Yves/Chuu - G - sooyong was never good with children, and although she loves her niece yeojin, she wasn't particularly happy to pick her up from kindergarten. little did she know she'd meet someone really, really special there.

Drowning In You - Kim Lip/JinSoul - lifeguard jungeun saves popular girl Jinsoul from drowning. feelings may or may not have ensued.

Goal - Hyunjin/Choerry (rare pairing!) - G - Friend asked for Hyunrry AU, and this is what happened. Soccer! and Highschool!AU

Wake Up Call (It's Like Holding Hands) - Hyunjin/Heejin, background Haseul/Vivi, Yves/Chuu, Kim Lip/Jinsoul, Olivia Hye/Go Won - G - “Happy Halloween, hoes,” is the first thing Yeojin says at exactly twelve midnight, before dumping a box of spiders onto Chaewon’s head. Or, Hyunjin is in love with Heejin. Yeojin tries to "help". Just another day in the LOONA dorm.

if you were also looking for me - Yves/Chuu (and background ships) - T - The annual talent show auditions are being managed by none other than Jiwoo's mortal enemy, it's snowing in September, and Jiwoo may or may not have vague magical powers. But hey, it's junior year: anything may as well happen, right? Featuring: teenage angst, social media, bathroom graffiti, magic-induced fainting, unhealthy amounts of obliviousness, truly awful pickup lines (courtesy of one Heejin Jeon), and the worst recorded snowstorm in history.

But My Heart is Like Paper (You're Too Good To Be True) - Go Won/Olivia Hye - Hyejoo looks at the little paper crane, spies the telltale pencil markings on its wings from where she had written her algebra work down before folding it. Gingerly, she picks it up, smiles to herself as she pinches its neck and tail, pushing and pulling, watching the paper crane’s wings go up and down. A light bulb flickers on in her head .Or, Hyejoo just wants to brighten Chaewon's week, so she folds her origami every day and hopes it's enough to bring a smile. Highschool!AU

Truth//Dare - All popular ships - G - All Jung Jinsol wants to do is take the train home after school. But when it breaks down, leaving her and 11 other girls stuck in a compartment, what's a girl to do but play a few rounds of Truth or Dare?

stole my napkins and my heart - Haseul/Vivi - G - Haseul wonders what exactly it is about the napkins at the cafe she works at that makes them worth stealing, and wonders what exactly to call the little leap her heart does when she sees the napkin thief.

Gonna fly now - Go Won/Olivia Hye - G - Truthfully, the boxing club had been their very last hope. Hyejoo had tried everything from football to swimming along with a impressive number of martial arts but after each she’d shrugged her shoulders and said she didn’t felt like playing it again and her parents had sighed and said let’s try something else then. But then Hyejoo enters the boxing club and while her parents starts chatting with the coach her sight immediately settles on the tiny girl with the long black hair who’s hitting a punching bag in a corner of the room like she wants it dead. She can’t seem to be able to stop watching.

tempting - Haseul/Vivi - T - Vivi hated this part of her job. Angel/Devil Au

what stays below, what flies above - Haseul/Vivi - Story behind Queen Vivian's favorite painting.

you make loving fun - Haseul/Vivi - G - Kahei desperately needs a date take to her parents’ company event so they won’t set her up with another “appropriate suitor”. Of course, she does what everyone in their right mind would do—she talks her long-time crush into being her fake girlfriend for the weekend. What could possibly go wrong?

cheating - Haseul/JinSoul - T - Soulmate AU where whatever your soulmate writes on their skin, it appears on yours too. And Haseul's soulmate loves to cheat on her exams.

there's sunshine in your smile - Chuu/Kim Lip - G - “She has the hots for Kim Jiwoo. Ran out midway to get her flowers and everything,” Sooyoung reports, flinching when Jungeun glares at her and raises her fist. Haseul has to step in between them to break up the impending fight. With Sooyoung cackling this much, it wouldn’t be long before Jungeun actually punched her anyway. Or: Jiwoo sings like an angel, and Jungeun runs out mid-concert to get flowers for the girl who moved her with just her voice.

steal my heart, too - Kim Lip/JinSoul - G - At first, Jinsol isn’t quite sure what to think as she watches a chubby Shiba Inu walk into her small pet store via the motion detector door because… well, the dog’s owner is nowhere to be seen. Jinsol just stares as the tiny dog struts up to one of the shelves, taking hold of a small bag of treats in its mouth. Amused, Jinsol just keeps watching as the dog walks out of the store. Wait, Jinsol thinks, I’ve just been shoplifted by a dog.

santa baby - Olivia Hye/? - G - it’s not until the fourth time that hyejoo gets suspicious. or,on the first day of december hyejoo finds a small present packed neatly on her desk. and the gifts keep on coming.

Red Velvet

Debugging - Irene/Seulgi - T - Irene is a game developer struggling to analyze what everything meant. Seulgi is a barista who thought she knew it all. Very loosely based on the web drama Game Development Girls.

Let’s Fall In Love For The Night - Irene/Wendy - T - Wendy catches the eye of a certain senior after a performance and a fall.

parties, smiles, and ice cream - Irene/Wheein (Mamamoo) - irene finds herself interested in a girl who owns a sketchbook, likes oversized sweaters, and doesn't mind strawberries at a not so interesting party.

a game is better when played by two - Irene/Seulgi - G - Kang Seulgi always sits beside the same girl on the bus ride home. Or where in Seulgi and Irene are two grown ass women who are passionate about playing mobile games.

Inside This Place is Warm - Irene/Seulgi - G - Irene is a barista at her university's coffee shop, and she just so happens to be the object of someone's affection. The only problem is that no one is quite sure who that "someone" is. This is where Seulgi and her friends come in. Or, in which Irene's a senior in college and she loses her mind over her beautiful neighbor, who she talks to far too often for it to be healthy.

IZ*ONE

it was such a sight, but it was just fluorescent high rises - Chaewon/Minjoo - G - minjoo discovers something about chaewon she shouldn't haveor in which it took her quite the time to get used in seeing her smile. highschool!au

of spells and potions - Chaewon/Minjoo, Yujin/Wonyoung - G - In-progress - Everybody in Hogwarts thinks the same of Yujin, Minju and Chaewon.They want to be friends with Yujin, want to date Minju, and want to never cross paths with Chaewon. /aka that hogwarts au no one asked for

Just Who the Hell Do You Think I Am? - Yena/Hyewon - G - Hyewon starts to regret so much about her life when her tinder date gets bundled into the back of a police car before she sets foot inside the restaurant.

Flavour of the Month - Hitomi/Nayoung (Produce 48/Banana Culture) - G -  Nayoung suffers a heartbreak and someone makes her heart race

i told you so - Eunbi/Hyewon, side Chaeyeon/Sakura - T - “Why are you guys arguing over the last condom if you’re both lesbians?” Yena asks. Eunbi and Hyewon both go beet red, avoiding eye contact. “Well, I mean, it’s always good to be safe,” Eunbi tries, but a lightbulb goes off in Yena’s head and she says “ohhhhh,” very loudly, wiggling her eyebrows. “I don’t get it,” Chaewon says. Eunbi thinks she might die of embarrassment. Or, Hyewon is a figure skater and Eunbi is an ice hockey player. They meet at the Winter Olympics in a rather unconventional way, but it turns out alright.

Stay Right There - Eunbi/Hyewon - Eunbi could only wish to be as carefree as Hyewon, instead of being the next CEO of Kwon Enterprises.

Mornings - Hitomi/Chaewon - Hitomi would always sneak up to the other dorm just to cuddle with Chaewon after their schedules.

Sweeter Than Fiction - Yena/Yuri - In-progress - Right in the moment Yuri met Choi Yena in that chat room, she knew the girl was gonna be someone important in her life or, Yuri being absolutely whipped by Yena since the first time they talked to each other and her rollercoaster ride going through feelings while being a broke college student with lots of responsibilities

Zone Wars - G - IZ*ONE's gamer line plays games to mixed results. Sakura taunts, Hyewon wins, Yena complains, and Minju just wants to be included.

BlackPink

And Fall - Jisoo/Lisa - G -  Her eyes, behind the lenses catching the veiled sunlight that must be blinding her, are so unguarded, glittering like quick little honey droplets. A gentle, thoughtless smile remains on her lips, even in the absence of an answer. It was hard enough resisting sweet underclassman Lisa, with her bleach-damaged hair and limbs far too long, movements far too sharp, for her body. But this? A gorgeously content Lisa, grown into herself and oblivious of the effect she has on the world, smiling at Jisoo so tenderly it must be a crime? Damn near impossible.

From every Sunday evening to every Sunday night - Jennie/Lisa - G -  Lisa wants Jennie to know the way she feels about her, so she writes her a note every day of the week.

CLC

Pumpkin spice with an undecent ammount of cream - Sorn/Seunghee - G - Seasons were only the background for companies to ask for money: “hey! Do you want to be like that girl, long curly hair, perfect make up, that is looking through the window as autumn settles in? Then come buy here! Everything is orange, red, maroon and brown and it tastes like pumpkin!” Seasons could suck Sorn’s toe for all they were worth. “And what would you like today?” “A pumpkin spice latte, please.” Or where Sorn has this big crush on a barista.

like a cat - Yujin/Yeeun - G -  Yeeun is a very, very tired college student. She doesn't believe her eyes when she sees a large cat dancing in the middle of a shopping centre. She didn't even know cats could dance. Yujin works at a cat cafe and sometimes has to wear a cat costume to advertise the cafe at the mall. One day, a very tired and loud girl stops to watch Yujin dance.

late groceries - Elkie/Sorn - G - sure it was too late for that, but still, they really needed their groceries. it was Urgent.

unexpected - Yujin/Yeeun - G - yeeun entered the building waiting for a job, and left with a soulmate.

Dancing with our hands tied - Sorn/Yeeun - T - A bet, an unforgettable night, and a really regretful Yeeun.

Weki Meki

trying to find an island in the flood - Doyeon/Yoojung - G - It is not the first time Yoojung has climbed into Doyeon’s bed, but it feels different, when Yoojung sticks her feet under the warmth of the blankets and Doyeon’s arms wrap around her almost instantly. “Sometimes,” Doyeon begins, absentmindedly tucking a strand of hair behind Yoojung’s ear, “I feel like I’ve already met my soulmate. But other times, I’m not sure, you know?” Something twists uncomfortably in Yoojung’s stomach and she swallows.

it's my favorite business interaction - Rina/Lucy - "Doyeon unnie, as much as I appreciate this, I'm seventeen. When am I going to need this?" "Interviews," Doyeon says offhandedly. "What… kind of interviews…?" "Like your date with Hyojung," Yoojung helpfully supplies. "That's sort of an interview." "Who said I was going on a date with Hyojung?"

Win Again - Doyeon/Somi (i.o.i, soloist) - G - High school heartthrob Jeon Somi's taekwondo team gets a budget cut for the cheerleading team's new uniforms. She has mixed feelings about their future captain, Kim Doyeon.

ten reasons why - Lua/Rina - G -  Soeun lists down ten reasons why she hates Sookyung.

fromis_9

the dazzling you, the angelic you - Saerom/Gyuri - G - Beautiful, breathtaking, alluring. That’s what Saerom was. And Gyuri couldn't bring herself to take her eyes off of her, ever.

despacito - Seoyeon/Jiwon - G - it’s this moment, seoyeon thinks, that her idol training has been preparing her for. that is, singing an extremely romantic song in front of the girl who you’ve liked for several months, who also happens to look extremely attractive right now.

the sun was in my eyes (the sun was in her smile) - M - Saerom/Gyuri, Saerom/Hayoung  "So, how did you and Gyuri meet?" Hayoung asks.Saerom should be more prepared than this. She has an email in her outbox sent to gyuljang@gmail.com with the subject line important backstory details for a reason. "Through Chaeyoung, the intern?" "Well, you guys look cute together," Hayoung says, giving Saerom an enthusiastic nod. (a buzzfeed AU)

Finding Solace - Saerom/Gyuri - G - Forest sprite Gyuri keeps finding a girl going back to the forest.

Pristin

all my nights taste like gold - Eunwoo/Rena - G - yaebin looked around quickly, but no one was looking at them. "you shouldn't call me that. if they hear you--" "you're always gonna be kang yaebin to me, dummy," eunwoo interrupted. "if they don't like it they can answer to me.”yaebin felt a rush of warmth in her chest, like she was comfortable in her own skin for the first time in years. she had almost forgotten that eunwoo always made her feel that way.

I'm Your Girl ? - Rena/Roa - T  “Do you want to know what’s on my mind right now then?” Minkyung asked slowly. Yebin looked back at her and nodded. “It’s you. It’s almost always you,”

falling, falling, falling (for you, you, you) - Kyulkyung/Eunwoo - it's like everything in jieqiong's life shifts into place, while also simultaneously crumbles, within five seconds.

Another Halloween - Yuha/Eunwoo - G - Kyungwon and Eunwoo spend their Halloween together, like always

WJSN

of course the snake would hate the lion - Luda/Eunseo - T - son juyeon, a muggleborn, was incompatible with lee luda, a girl that grew up with her parents telling her that muggles were inferior than them. when she sees herself being target of juyeon's jokes and attention, she thinks she's in hell. she really hates the younger girl, she's pretty sure of that, but when juyeon's get involved in a quidditch accident, luda started to care more than the normal about the other's well being.

Dreamcatcher

Summer Dream - Yoohyeon/Dami - T - Ever since she was little, Yoohyeon has spent her summers lazing away at the country club pool. Funny enough, despite spending so much time there, she never learned to swim. This summer there’s a hot new lifeguard in town who Yoohyeon is helplessly crushing on. When Yoohyeon’s genius of a best friend flings her in the pool in order to try and catch her crush’s attention, another girl ends up saving her from drowning and stealing her heart in the process…

close to you - Yoohyeon/Siyeon, SuA/JiU - T - Kim Yoohyeon has two goals for this school year: to get the solo at the school concert and to enjoy her life alone in her new apartment. Both of these goals are crossed by Lee Siyeon, Yoohyeon's biggest rival since middle school, when unfortunate circumstances lead to them having to share more than just their passion for singing...

A Date in Stilettos - Yoohyeon/Dami, SuA/Siyeon - Blind dates aren't supposed to be amazing.

Traffic Duty - Yoohyeon/Dami - T - Officer Lee Yoobin has the most boring shift ever, or she thinks she does.

One Of The Nightmares  - Handong/Yoohyeon - T - Yoohyeon often has nightmares while sleeping and while awake. Handong is always there to bring her back from them.

half my bones - JiU/Siyeon - T -  when siyeon wakes up, she finds herself in a garden of lilies. Hanahaki Disease.

i want it, i got it - Yoohyeon/Dami - E - Yoobin has quite a few feelings about Yoohyeon's outfit from the performance of 7 Rings.

[janiedean]

Do you think hollywood will ever get out of its “woke” phase or will it only get worse from here?

... I sat on this for a while and I honestly don’t know how to take it, because woke means absolutely nothing put on like that and it’s not like if movies address social justice issues or start caring about accurate representation or whatnot or what we mean for woke it’s automatically a bad thing, but like the problem with any hollywood production is that hollywood makes movies thinking about money first and artistic value later unless we count a handful of directors/people who can go a good movie that will make money (spielberg/zemeckis etc) or who are at a point in their career where their CV is so out of this world good that they can afford to do whatever they want and/or are huge names who made history who have their own money/circle/clout or their own production company (scorsese, clint eastwood etc). also the second contingent problem is that most people only watch mainstream movies that were released recently which means that everything that comes out these days is supposedly groundbreaking when in truth it’s not 99% of the time.

ps: this rant has very vague spoilers for the 2019 joker so like... thread carefully but it’s really really vague xD

now, since I apparently decided to go at this pseudo-seriously even if I think the question means all and everything, I’ll try to, but basically:

if by woke we mean performative representation/performative social justice themes/*insert-token-character-here*, it’s a 100% question of what the studios think the audience wants vs what makes money vs milking the thing until it’s dry. I mean, I’m talking in general about a genre no one on tumblr cares about, but as someone who loves bad/trashy testosterone-driven action movies every single time I see one with the Badass Female Character Inserted By Force Because The Studio Said They Needed At Least One Quota Because Otherwise People Say It’s Not Feminist I roll my eyes a lot because if I’m watching a genre which is the male equivalent of the female empowerment romcom (ie: if romcoms are the-empowerment-fantasy-for-girls the trashy action movie is the same for guys) I don’t need the Fake Strong Female Character in it because I’m not watching it for the feminism, but until people will worry about the bechdel test as the ultimate proof a movie is good then we’ll get the token character that makes no sense, but since these days the hype is there, you’ll get it because the studio wants the money;

on the other side, if we mean people want actual representation and should push the studios to have it/not whitewash characters etc it’s an entirely legitimate complaint and I don’t think hollywood should *get out of the woke phase* or whatever, but my issue is that most of the time it ends up turning performative as well. as in: you know the dark tower movie? (yeah, yeah, I hate it, I earned the right to trash talk it) when they racebent the lead everyone was screaming at how woke and progressive it was... except that they didn’t wanna hear/didn’t want to discuss the fact that the only reason they did that (imvho) was that they adapted seven books in one movie, cut the female disabled character who’s also mentally ill who’s actually black in the original canon and since they didn’t want to get called out on having done that, they racebent the lead so they looked progressive, but do we really think that doing that rather than adapting the actual black character they had which would have required at least some effort is more progressive? idk but I think it’s not. anyway: i’m all for people pushing for this, but they need to be coherent. in the sense that for all I don’t agree with clint eastwood’s political views, if you watch gran torino where the protagonist becomes friends with his vietnamese hmong neighbor, all the hmong characters were actually cast from hmong actors and if you look at interviews online with hmong people about that movie the opinion is that even if the script could have been better for some of them, they were delighted that he cast from their community and didn’t cast from another asian ethnicity that for any producer would have meant the exact same thing because figures if producers gaf about accurate casting when it comes to that. but like, hollywood won’t gaf about that until people are vocal about needing good and specific rep and not just generic ‘as long as it’s X it’s fine’;

that also goes for wanting more movies with minorities having a role - hollywood will go for giving minorities roles as long as it gives them good money/clout, but it won’t care for good movies about minorities or minority actors having good roles until people are vocal about it and/or it means money loss if they do it wrong;

(caveat: this obviously excludes actors from minorities whose work transcended that - meaning, for example will smith gets cast 85% of the time based on part and not on his skin color because he’s uber famous and he made his name in a specific genre and so on, but like we’re talking about the people who made the Upper Level of Superstar Hollywood)

anyway tldr: hollywood american movies were always 95% made for the money and reflect what they think the audience wants to pay for, which means that if hollywood producers think that people want fake woke movies then they’ll give them the fake woke movies.

this also goes hand in hand with the other problem I mentioned ie that people don’t watch movies that aren’t recent so hollywood can get away with pretending to be original when it’s actually not. now since we don’t wanna diss anything, i’ll mention a movie I actually did like *drumroll*... joker.

or, to specify what I mean:

tldr, I thought that joker was a very well-executed and planned and shot movie which had a good idea and went down well on it and was basically the batman movie nolan dreamed he was doing with the black knight and whose point was telling you that a sick system that abandons the weakest people in it (poor, mentally ill etc) and mocks them as if it’s their own fault that they aren’t better than that eventually breeds chaos and hurt and crime and it’s the fault of the system/the people in charge who don’t see it. now: that’s the least original idea in existence and I’ll go on it in depth later. except that..

when I go look at recs especially from american media, there’s a polarization between ‘OMG THIS INCITES VIOLENCE IT’S HORRIBLE IT’S DANGEROUS’ and ‘OMG THIS IS A NEW MASTERPIECE I’VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT BEFORE GROUNDBREAKING AMAZING NO ONE EVER DID IT BEFORE’, which to me is imvho showing very clearly where we have the issue;

as in, issue one: OMG IT INCITES VIOLENCE BLAH BLAH it’s the oldest excuse in existence that has been disproved over and over and it’s just another proof of how puritan/calvinist is the viewership because the point is not inciting violence, it’s showing that as stated not giving a fuck about people who need help means growing discontent that then explodes... which again, you don’t need to read freud’s theory about the masses to know that if the majority of the population lives in shitty conditions you get revolutions;

issue two: the only original/innovative think joker has going for itself is that it’s a movie that has a way wider audience than usual *and* an actual comic book/genre film to discuss the aforementioned issue going in depth into it and not sugarcoating it. but other than that... the deconstruction of the hero/villain in a corrupt world was already in watchmen if you want a genre movie and there have been endless others pointing that out except not that mainstream (because again everyone knows what batman is and who’s the joker, watchmen is a lot more niche), the spectacularization of THAT THING on television was already in network that came out in the year of the lord 1976 and the entire movie was basically an homage to taxi driver when it came to how it was filmed/structured and I guessed 95% of what was gonna happen in the first fifteen minutes. it’s nothing groundbreaking whatsoever, but apparently everyone thinks it is because they haven’t seen either of the above movies or any other that predated this one;

now, joker is a movie I actually liked so I don’t see the lack of originality as a bad thing because that wasn’t the point, but like just to say one, hearing people say that mad max fury road was revolutionary feminist action movie and nothing else ever happened before it when there have been four alien movies before, the valid terminator movies (one and two obviously), kill bill and so on, as in stuff that existed in the eighties was honestly meh because I did like MMFR but again it was hardly groundbreaking (maybe it is for this decade and for other reasons but not for the plot). now, both of these are good movies, but like....... 95% of nolan’s movies are hailed as top originality masterpieces and imvho he’s good but not that good and if people think dunkirk is the best war movie ever it’s because they haven’t ever seen an actual effective war movie (like I can’t even believe some people said it was like two hours of saving private ryan’s first twenty minutes, five minutes of SPR were endlessly better than all of dunkirk and SPR is hardly the best war movie out there), same for about anything he does. now, that’s way beyond the wokeness discourse, but the point is that if people don’t watch other movies and then think that hollywood’s performative woke stuff is peak progressive movie when it really really really is not then hollywood isn’t going to bother producing better stuff that’s both progressive and quality (which can happen I mean have we all seen philadelphia, even if that is like... not exactly mainstream hollywood and it was a risky movie to make but anyway not the problem). tldr: people need to stop acting like the last ten years of movies have been the only era in cinema where you got progressive movies because it’s not true and for one I can 100% assure you that for all its faults tied to the era, the defiant ones is a lot more seriously woke and effective when it comes to discussing racism in the US than 85% of the contemporary stuff I see.

so, idk what you meant with the original question, but imvho: hollywood will produce fake-performative woke movies until the audience contents itself with fake-wokeness instead of actual good material or until people decide to finally stop watching only blockbusters and also give money to indie filmmakers or like nonamerican filmmakers and anyway hollywood goes where the money goes.

which mean that if the activism irl doesn’t stop being performative and becomes serious and therefore automatically turns into people asking for serious rep and not the token character/plot, you’ll keep on getting fake woke movies. (also the day people stop saying GO WATCH THAT MOVIE BECAUSE IT’S WOKE without having even seen it and having read the summary on tumblr will be amazing, but that’s not the day.)

that said, since the idea behind a lot of the fake wokeness is actually right (ie: we need more women/minorities of every kind in movies or television/we need more rep that aren’t blonde blue eyed tall white guys/we need to cast ethnical minorities properly etc) we can hope that people actually grasp the message and we get more and more movies that cast people correctly or who have good rep for the good reasons and I’m all for it because that is a good thing. fake wokeness is not. 

but anyway: hollywood stops being each single trend it is when that trend stops selling. that’s your answer. and until we all think that the oscars are top cinematography choices in existence, it’s not gonna happen.

to end it all: no one is obliged to watch hollywood movies. actually, it’s highly advised to spend your money on either foreign movies or indie movies or independent movies or riskier projects rather than hollywood blockbusters if you don’t want fake progressive stuff also because those movies usually gaf about the issues they touch and if they get money maybe it means more of them get made.

and this was my rant, idk if that’s what you wanted to hear but I guess that’s what I had to say on the topic.

[apparitionism]

Helicobacter 10

Well. Anybody else do anything interesting last weekend? I’m not going to put up a separate post about it, as my inclination at this point is to keep things pretty quiet. JK—and JM, but we all know her attitude toward social media is more laissez-faire—gave me permission to tweet that one photo of her and JM on the first day, so based on how it all played out, I’m going to say, for the time being and as a reminder to myself when I one day look back on this, that that and the wedding question are my contributions. (All hosannas to @lejunkdrawer for giving everyone access to the panels, particularly Sunday’s unprecedented experience. Although I suppose most of the experiences were unprecedented...) As I mentioned in tags of this very story, in late June, a lot of things happen in due time—specifically, I noted a quote of which I had lately been reminded, that “the universe’s delays are not the universe’s denials.” As you might imagine, I’m more convinced than ever that that should be taken to heart: I’ve been lurking in this fandom since it began, and I’ve been posting my writing for it since 2013. I noted also, in early August, again in tags on this very story, that the fact is you never know what you’re setting in motion. So we’ll see. As is the case here in Helicobacter: don’t say I didn’t warn you. (See part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7, part 8, and part 9 for all of that.) Anyway, this is a short part; talky as ever. How they do go on. As do I.

Helicobacter 10

And if the kiss had lasted forever, they would have lived happily ever after. Easily ever after, never needing to face a consequence or make any active, possibly disastrous choice ever after. One continuous moment, perpetually right and good...

The kiss did not last forever. It ended, and that meant something had to happen next.

Don’t think don’t think—but then Helena thought. Her mouth still poised near Myka’s, she thought of mountains and fountains, what was and was not, what could be and could not.

“You’re thinking,” Myka said. She moved her head away, only a little movement of neck, but away.

“And what am I thinking?” Helena said, with some difficulty. I could pull her back to me. Should I pull her back to me?

“Every point is a decision point.”

“That’s what you think I’m thinking?”

Myka said, “You might as well be. Because it’s true.” She offered a small shrug under Helena’s hands.

That made Helena think some more, and what she thought she said out loud: “I wouldn’t have believed it, not before you. Before this. I told you: impulses.”

Myka nodded. “Getting you into trouble. Although following an impulse is a decision. A snap one, but still.”

“Still ill-considered,” Helena said. Their mouths remained very close.

“I wouldn’t call all that thinking you’re doing right now particularly good or healthy. Come with me.”

The hallway down which Myka had run before, down which Helena had wanted to follow: Myka pulled Helena down it now, not aggressive but insistent, taking little steps, not room-devouring strides, letting Helena keep her balance; considerate motions, sweet even, but what balance?

And then they were in a room—not the transitional hallway anymore, but a room. Its purpose right there in its name. “Your bedroom,” Helena said. Brainless stating of the obvious... or perhaps brainful. Overthinking: unhealthy and poor.

“That’s what this is, yes,” Myka said. Also stating the obvious. Gently. She had only one hand on Helena now, her left palm warm as it rested on Helena’s right arm, just above her elbow.

The hand lay soft, with no intent, as if Myka thought that anything more would make Helena startle. And it might have done; she might have run out and away, now that she had yet another moment to think, which she hadn’t wanted to take, but the doorway had affected her. Going through it: wrong, right. She sought—literally, looked around to find—something about which to speak and lit, somewhat incongruously, on the bedroom itself, because it was, itself, incongruous. “This room... it’s perfect. Photograph-ready.” Each piece of furniture was placed well, at precise, correct angles with every other; every opulent, expensive textile was folded or draped just so. Pillows were dented as if by a designer’s hand. Nightstands... the only things even vaguely out of place were the stack of books on one of the nightstands and the tortoise-shell-framed eyeglasses balanced atop that stack, yet even they might have been chosen by a photographer seeking to convey essential facts about Myka, so well did they signify the presence of intellect. “The rest of your apartment isn’t like this,” Helena said. This room breathed design intent, and while Myka’s other spaces weren’t unattractive, they were more haphazard, a “this piece was given to me by X” sensibility. Nothing in this expensive room had been obtained from any friend.

Myka looked around, as if through Helena’s eyes, and she nodded at the impression she received. “That’s true. I try to keep it up, because I had it redone—actually, done in the first place—right after the cancer.”

“Because...?”

The hand on Helena’s arm became a tease, a little push. “You want me to say ‘because I hoped you’d see it eventually,’ don’t you?”

“No.” But now that Myka had said that, Helena found herself hoping it could be the reason. What an egotist you are, and Myka knows it too.

“Doesn’t matter,” Myka said, and with a mind-read: “I’ll freely admit to finding your ego attractive. Attractive and justified, which just makes it more attractive.”

“Stop. You think highly of yourself as well. And it’s even more justified.”

“Now you stop.” One more push, and Myka gave a little eyeroll as well.

“If you didn’t have a sizable ego of your own, you wouldn’t have set any of your plans in motion. But you were certain you’d get away with all of them.”

“Not certain. Hopeful. So hopeful.” Her hand fell from Helena’s body, but a beseeching note in her voice called back to the abandon of those few moments earlier. Now a small but not inconsequential space separated their bodies—a space that left them far too close to continue having this conversation, but not close enough to not continue having it.

“But we were talking about your opulent bedroom,” Helena said, with what she hoped was only the smallest of hesitancies, “and why it is so. Not egos and whether mine prompted me to think that you hoped that I’d... see it. Which I now have. Rather, am. Am seeing it.” She didn’t mean to say it again, but she did: “Your bedroom.”

Myka said, “The real reason isn’t unrelated. I didn’t ever honestly believe I was going to die, but—reassessment. Things I’d always vaguely wanted.”

“Pushed, like problems, into the future?”

“Exactly.” Myka moved closer again. She raised that same hand to Helena’s face, stroked from her temple down to her chin. Helena leaned into the touch. “And you. I would have pushed you into the future, too—some alternate future.”

At that, Helena leaned away. “You should have.”

Myka stayed where she was, but she said, “If you don’t want this to happen, it won’t happen. If you really think it shouldn’t.”

“I told you I didn’t have explanations for you.”

“But you do?”

“But I don’t,” Helena said. “Other than: I have wanted this to happen, from the beginning. Which is not at all compatible with anything else.”

“You didn’t make any move. Was that all ethics?”

“Any move?” That was too much, and untrue besides. “I kissed you completely inappropriately! And extremely thoroughly! In front of your mother!”

Myka laughed, but she said, “It could have been an act. Because I forced you into it.”

“Do you believe that? You can’t possibly believe it now. Did you believe it then?”

Myka was silent.

“You came to my house,” Helena said. “After your mother told you what she told you.”

“And I told her yes.” Retestifying.

“And you said you meant it. If you did mean it, you knew you hadn’t forced me into it. You knew it wasn’t an act.”

“All I knew was that it wasn’t on my part.” Myka paused. “I thought you’d see. I thought you’d already seen. I mean, if my mother had.”

Helena smiled. “I’m fairly certain she knows you better than I do. I didn’t trust what I thought I saw—rather, couldn’t let myself trust what I hoped I saw. And it did begin as an act, didn’t it?”

“You keep forgetting that it’s H. pylori’s fault: it began as a medical emergency, one that you helped me through. Which I’m still betting you would have done anyway, never mind the act.”

Helena was not entirely certain that was true... but then she thought of the ambulance, of stricken Myka. What wouldn’t she have done, when faced with that vulnerability, all while telling herself—pretending—it was about the bid and nothing else? “But what if it is only that I was there when you needed support. And we’re both still being... affected by that circumstance.”

“What if it is? What if we are? I think that’s how things like this start. You’re in a circumstance, and things happen that affect you. Would you rather we met some other way? Online? Or in a book club?”

“I would so much rather we met online,” Helena grumbled. “Or in a book club.”

“Look at it the right way, and we sort of did, both of those. Emails about books,” Myka said, with an I’ve got you there note in her voice.

“But that was because I researched you. Those Twitter accounts you follow.”

“But then you came up with interestingly booky things to say to me. Unless Steve or somebody else was Cyrano-ing for you?”

Helena tried for a moment to work out the ramifications of lying, saying yes. Would that fix anything? All the ramification roads seemed to lead to Myka discerning that she was lying, particularly since Myka was looking at her now with that “you’re so transparent” expression. “No one was Cyrano-ing,” Helena thus said, a little sullen at having been read.

“You do keep trying, don’t you? It’s sweet. Anyway, I told you, I looked you up too. You, your projects... I was interested in you, even at the beginning. I liked those emails. Even if I didn’t recognize that it was my old friend H.G. Wells sending them to me.”

Helena remembered Abigail using the word “moony.” She said, “I’m glad you did like them. For whatever reason you did.”

“What if they really were reminding me of undergraduate you? Maybe they weren’t, but what if they were?”

“Then I’ll try to be grateful for that. And yet I’m sorry at the same time, for it’s true that I was trying to influence you.”

“Well, so it worked. You influenced me to bring you all the way into my bedroom. It’s your own fault.”

“This and everything else.”

“And H. pylori!” Myka said with mock exasperation. “But I like eloquence. Whatever form it takes. Emails, margin notes...”

“So do I. Do you remember what you said, at the very first, about Wilson’s Odyssey?”

“Right now? No.”

They were stuck staring again.

“I wonder if it’s like smiling,” Helena said, to say something.

“Wilson’s Odyssey? That’s not what I said.”

Helena would have kissed her perplexed mouth, but she was not sure where they stood now. Other than in a bedroom, not quite in each other’s arms... wanting was one thing, but wanting and doing were not the same. She retreated to science: “The way in which the physical act of smiling—the performance of a smile—can elevate mood. That is, the causal arrow need not point in the direction one expects.”

“I’ve read that too. So you’re saying that in our case, performing this intimate relationship led us to the real thing? Or led us to want the real thing? Fake engagement was the smile, and here we are in an elevated mood of...?” Myka hooked a finger in the V of Helena’s shirt-neck, gave a little tug, then let her hand fall again.

Helena swallowed. “What do you think?”

“What do I think?” Myka stepped back, put a hand to her chin, and contemplated Helena, who found it both disconcerting and flattering to be so carefully regarded, preparatory to a verdict, and this was the verdict Myka gave: “I think you should smile more—and by the way I don’t mean that the way men tell women ‘you should smile more,’ and while I wish I didn’t have to tell you that’s not how I mean it, I do want to be clear: I think you should smile, but mostly around me, and mostly because your smile’s so beautiful. I mean you’re beautiful, so I guess it was always going to be the case your smile would be too—then again, teeth. You never know. Anyway, you’re beautiful, and so is your smile, and I love to see it, and I love to see you, and I don’t care at all why I feel romantic about you, because the only thing that’s important to me right now is that I do, and you had better feel the same way, because otherwise I don’t know why we’re standing here in an overdecorated bedroom making awkward conversation about whether this is authentic Duchenne romance or some facsimile version where nobody’s eyes move.”

“You certainly know how to make the causal arrow point in the direction one expects,” Helena said, for who, in response to that mood-elevating monologue, could have refrained from smiling?

“See, there it is,” Myka said, with a smile of her own. “Beautiful.”

“Did my eyes move?” Helena asked, even as she knew they had, and were moving still, as her smile continued to grow.

“The corners of your eyes are crinkled like...” And then the thesaurus: the pause, the search, the surrender. “Like something really crinkly. You’ll be even more beautiful decades from now.”

Decades from now. Helena felt an unexpected anthropological wish to this minute see Myka’s own decades-from-now face, and, paradoxically, a wish to have watched it become that face. To be able to answer “decades” when anyone asked, “How long have you two...”

“I want so much to kiss you,” Myka said, as if from inside that wish. “Kiss you and more, both of us, on purpose, knowing why.”

“Not pretending to fool anyone?”

“Not even each other. Not even ourselves.” She moved close again, her fingers back at the neckline of Helena’s shirt, playing there, whispering a touch. “We’re in a bedroom, and nobody knows we’re here. We can do anything.”

They could have, yet Helena stood still, savoring Myka’s light physical coaxing even as she wondered aloud, “Why am I letting you do all the pursuing?

Myka’s smile in response to Helena’s wondering was, without question, authentic, her eye-corners crinkled like... something exceptionally crinkly. “I think you like it. Even beyond all the very good reasons for you to try to be good and resist, I think you like it. Sitting back, waiting till I prove to you that I can’t take it anymore and I have to see you or die. Speaking of ego.”

“I may have liked that,” Helena conceded, “and it may have had to do with...” She stopped speaking as the fingers on her neck stopped playing, to be replaced by Myka’s lips. “With... ego. But I meant this minute, now, here, when nobody knows. When we can do anything. That isn’t my...” She found herself kissed on the mouth, still light, but it was a less subtle form of persuasion. “My MO,” she finished weakly.

“Maybe it is with me,” Myka told Helena’s collarbone.

Helena gave one last try at some sort of challenge: “I thought I wasn’t supposed to change.”

“I like that you remember I said that. And I’m in no way opposed to you working very hard. But let me do a little work first, because I sort of get the feeling that you—”

One ecstatic jump-cut later, Myka’s leg was stilling between Helena’s and a new and wicked and sinful smile was curving Myka’s lips as she said, “I knew you’d be fast.”

“That was embarrassing,” Helena said, trying to avoid looking Myka in the eyes. Just like a body, to take it upon itself to tell the truth. To make everything so very clear.

Myka kissed her deep and long, then said, “Not if I’m fast too.”

She pushed Helena to the bed, pushed her down, pushed and pushed, then gasped, laughed, and said, “See?”

“You did that to make me feel better,” Helena said, up into the curve of a long neck.

“Trust me,” the neck-column vibrated back at her, “it had more than a little to do with how I feel. Besides, I told you, there’s only so long before you can’t stand it anymore. I was pretty sure that’s where I was. It’s more than gratifying that you were too.”

Both of them, on purpose, knowing why. Knowing why not, but also knowing exactly why.

TBC

[youreallyshouldtalkmore]

ErikXNice Girl Headcannons

This is dedicated to all my nice girls out there. Here's more a sweet with a bit of sour romance with Erik rather than *cough cough*, if you catch my meaning. Mostly because I need this...so it greatly reflects how I would act with Erik but I think many other women could enjoy this.

So although Erik probably wouldn't really have a healthy romantic relationship and probably just got his needs met, we know how it works in fanfic: a psychopathic male character usually ends up having a broken side that needs just the right girl to attend to.

And since I believe that with Erik's history, he does have a literal broken side (read he is probably 100% broken inside) I came up with an "Erik meets a Nice/Innocent girl" story in bullet points. I hoped that I kept a middle ground between, his evil side and broken side. I want it to be sweet but not strip Erik of his swagger.  

But after writing this, I'll stand by it all.

I just *swoon*...

So without further ado. Warning this looooong:

The two of you met in a museum.  You were looking at an art piece and questioned why did you come if you could get the same information with a basic search online?

Erik was surprised at your question. It was a question that said you had a clear interest, a deeper one, than the average museum goers. The average museum goer would just read the card and keep on going.

To this day, Erik had no idea why he spoke in answer to your question, but he did.  He agreed that the card didn't fully capture what the piece was about.  He wasn't trying to show off but he did add a few extra details he knew about the piece. A natural conversation started behind that...

You were there with an interest in your own background. Having done a DNA test, you were interested learning more on the heritage you couldn't find out so readily.  Erik like that. It's been awhile since he heard of someone who was interested to know more about their identity.

One response in the conversation that you said was, "I believe it's important for us, especially as African Americans to be aware of our identity and where we come from. It's important to find history that we can be proud of. The sum total of our history should not be the slave trade. By taking the DNA test I can discover a direction and try to find history about that. I know it's out there but trying to find it can be challenging..."

You had laughed it off but Erik shook his head. No, he respected and admired that. And he agreed. (Secretly he was impressed but was unable to verbalize it even to his own self)

The two of you spent your time together looking at the exhibits, Erik explaining things that were not on the sheet. You were surprised at his knowledge especially since it's obvious he is not a worker there.

Towards the end of your time, you had bid him goodbye and thanked him for all the information that you had learned. You had learned more than you ever hope to. (Yes, you were that type to make notes on your phone...and he was vaguely amused at this.)

After you left, Erik realized there was something off.  It took him a few seconds to figure it out. It was the first time that he felt a sense of peace. It was so foreign to him it threw him off track. He actually enjoyed walking around with you and talking to you. He didn't remember the last time he felt so relaxed.

And he tried to shake off this feeling. You were just a passerby in life. He would forget about you come the morning.

But, shoot, he didn't even know your name!

That's fine. Whatever.

 But it wasn't fine because as the moments slipped away, he found that the thought of not knowing your name or even seeing you again....

So he rushes out hoping that he can catch you. Fate was on his side, for once, and you were out of the museum and halfway down the stairs.  

He called out and you turned around, surprised to see him there.

Erik ran and stopped before you. Internally, he knew this was when he'd drop a "Can I get your digits and hit you up some time?" But strangely it felt wrong to say that to you.

But you were looking at him so innocently, waiting for him to say something. What should he say? How should he say it?

 "I didn't get your name." he says. You give your name and Erik gives you his. It was clear you were waiting for him to say something else. But you didn't look impatient and almost was a bit amused.

 "Do you have facebook?" It was the first response he had. He hadn't used it much since graduating MIT but perhaps a social media exchange wouldn't freak you out too much.

You looked at him, with slight suspicion? He couldn't tell, but he could tell you were thinking about it. Finally you gave a smile and agree. (He didn't realize the relief he felt when you agreed) So the two of you exchanged face book IDs.

 It took Erik about an hour to figure out what his password was. Eventually, he got a password reset. (Should have done that in the first place)  Erik found he was nervous, wondering if you gave him your real FB ID. But upon seeing your photo, he was reassured.

Though he realized by now that there must have been something wrong with him. He wasn't a stranger to women but he had no feelings about them. Whether their feelings were hurt or not wasn't high on his list. But with you, something warned him and held him back from his usual flippant attitude. He found that he was interested in furthering the conversation you all had not just skipping to business.

To that end, the two of you communicated on FB for two months. He found that he enjoyed and looked forward to chatting with you. You were easy to talk to and it blew his mind that someone like you existed in this world.

You were a humanitarian, giving to the people and communities around you. You had a fondness for art and would post many illustrations and artwork and art pieces you liked and founded.

 Eventually, he had to go on a mission and wouldn't be back for another month. He told you he was in the military and would be out of touch. You wished him all the best and safe journey there and back.

He never had anyone wish for his safety.

Upon coming back from his mission, he was angry again and had quite forgotten about the FB exchanged that seemed a distance dream. But when he opened his computer he was stunned to see that you had almost once a week, wished him the best and hoped he was staying safe.

Erik was confused as to what to do with you. He couldn't treat you like he would other woman. It was obvious you were more than a toy. It took a lot to remember there was such a thing as a date, something he had never been on. Usually, his "date" consists of picking up a woman from the bar and that was only when the itch became too great.

 But then all of a sudden, he sniffed at the idea. A date? He was seriously thinking of asking a woman out on a proper date? Has he lost his mind? What nice and respectable girl would go out on a date with him?

This made him all kinds of moody and for the next month he ignored and avoided FB. You knew that he was supposed to be back in a month but he didn't contact you for the next month. So your well-wishes continued but quite a bit more frequently. You hoped that he was safe, that he wasn't dead. You asked him to contact you to let you know that he was alive at the very least and that you were worried at what this extra time meant. But you also said if he was hurt or ill he needed to take care of himself before responding to you.

This weakened Erik's resolve. Someone was actually caring about his life? So he finally logged back in and replied. Your joy at his safety made him stunned for five minutes at least.

Suddenly the need to see you was so overwhelming to Erik that he thought again about asking you out on the date.

This time it didn't send him into a dark funk.

But it took him three days to ask you on FB if you'd go on a date with him. In hindsight he should have waited until he knew that you were online because by the time he had managed to press the send button it was would be the next day before you sent a reply.

Erik sat for five minutes staring at the reply. "Yes, I would love to."

Erik didn't quite know what you'd like but he wanted it to be simple and comfortable. He didn't have a tuxedo and he was not going to be comfortable in an upscale place. Didn't women like those kinds of things?  Did you expect him to take you to such places?

This might have sent him into another foul mood except that he had already asked you out and he couldn't shut you down like that. (I mean, he could but why did the idea twist his stomach?)

So he settled on taking you to a play that was in town. He wondered if you were expecting more but he noticed your delight in watching the play. Thankfully, you didn't ask him too much about it afterwards but he realized while you were watching the play, he was watching you.

And it dawned on him what he was attracted so attracted to. Yes, you were very pretty but there was something else that Erik couldn't figure out. Until now. Your beauty had something else mixed with it....an innocence that he had long ago lost. It was why he couldn't treat you like he did other women. It was also why he felt relaxed with you.

Unlike other woman, you weren't cussing and screaming at him or others. (Was this a fair question if he picked up girls from a bar? He couldn't tell)  You weren't loud and bossy. You spoke quite demurely, yet he knew that the strength laid in your thoughts not your projection of voice.  You laughed quiet charmingly without it splitting his eardrums. And your voice was smooth and relaxing in his opinion. Quite a nice sound

He vowed then that you would not know the real work he did. You would not know what his goal truly was. But when he became King, he knew he would bring you to see Wakanda. You would be his Queen. His yang to his yin.

The two of you began to see each other. Erik never made untoward advances that made you uncomfortable. Though he did managed to get a first kiss from you. It was sweet like you, instead of rough like the woman he usually was with.

Erik still remembers the first time he accidentally let you see the angry side of him. He was rarely angry around you but this time he came back from another mission. It was late morning on a Sunday and to this day, he would never know what possessed him to swing by your apartment. Especially when he vowed you would not know this part of him.

But he was so angry and you were so peaceful. He felt he needed that soothing balm because this time the anger was so prominent he felt he would blow before his time. You were surprised to see him, so soon but happy that he was alive and safe and allowed him inside.

 However you realized very quickly that something was wrong with him. He was a taunt bowstring and you couldn't get him to sit down. When you finally coaxed him to say something at least he blew up and had an angry expletive tirade.

The tirade didn't quite make sense to you but you allowed him to get the feelings out of his system. When he was spent he slumped down on the couch. It took him a few minutes before he seemed to come back to himself and he looked up at you.

Erik barely remembers what he was ranting about but when he came back to himself, he found himself tense in the silence. Why did he come here? Why did he say all of that to you? He should have done what he normally did and worked off the anger to a manageable level not come here and bombard you with this.  

But Erik schooled and hardened himself. If you threw him out that wouldn't be no one's fault but his own. So when he looked at you, expecting to see censure, he saw sympathy and understanding.

 "It must have been difficult for you." you say.  You told him (not asked) that you were going to make him breakfast. Instead of coffee, you offered him tea.

Once Erik realized you weren't going to kick him out, he asked for coffee instead. "I want coffee, straight black."

You didn't miss a beat. "You are already wired up. You need something to calm you down not get you more hyped up than you are." Coming from anyone else would have set him off on a tirade but the smell of it was already calming him. So when it was finished,  he drink it like he did his coffee, straight laced even though you offer honey, sugar and lemon.

He found he did calm down. (And might have made him into a side tea-drinker...)

But finally the day came when he knew that he would be going to Wakanda soon. He noticed that you figured out that he didn't tell you everything but did not pressure him. You gave him his usual "stay safe" speech that he quite looked forward too and he left.

Now if you know anything about me, I love happy endings, but I also wanted to do an ending more in line with the movie, so, alternate endings time:

  Sad Ending

A couple of weeks later, a knock came that afternoon. When you answered it, there was a man that called himself T'Challa, the King of Wakanda and was also Erik's cousin.

He gave you a video that Erik had asked him to give you. You had broken down there.

It took you two days, before you could watch the video. Erik explained his true mission and how he made this video because he owed you an explanation.

He said that being with you was the happiest time of his life. Away from the anger that drowned him. From the first day, he had felt a kind of peace that had been denied to him. He hoped that you would never lose that

He had plans for you. Plans he really wished he could have made reality. If he had been King, you would have been Queen helping others alongside him because he'd seen your nurturing side and knew you would have made a great Queen Mother. More than that, selfishly, he wanted you to be his wife.

That video was the first time that Erik told you that he loved you. And he always will, but he wants you to continue to share yourself to the world. "Make some other poor sap happy. At least do that in my honor and I'll be straight over here. Okay, baby? I love you. Peace out."

 You got a job working with the Wakanda outreach and always sought to honor Erik Steven's memory.

    Happy Ending

A couple of weeks later, a knock came that afternoon. When you answered it, there was a man that called himself T'Challa, the King of Wakanda and was also Erik's cousin. He was there to take you to Wakanda where Erik was recovering.

On the way, he told you to the story of what had happened. They had managed to revive Erik and he was furious about this. (Despite the fact that Erik must have been hanging on because T'challa realized he was still alive hours later)

Erik didn't mention you to him, but he found the tape with your name and address on it. (And the fact that, Erik had cried out your name in his sleep was a tip off but we won’t discuss that). He figured it couldn't hurt to track you down and bring you to Erik. You were shocked at all that you learned, though it did fill in the missing gaps.

When Erik saw that you were there, he was absolutely furious with T'Challa, as in stark raving mad. It had startled you because you had not seen this side of him before. His previous tirade at your house paled in comparison. But you quickly recovered and declared that you weren't going anywhere. Erik dared to glare at you but you returned his stare.

During this time was the first time you saw him without his shirt and saw the scars. Erik goaded you on about them. "Ugly, eh? You know what they mean? Huh? Each one is a sin committed. Each one a life I took. I killed, you know. In Afghanistan, in Iraq, even our own brothers and sisters right here on this continent.  What do you think now, baby? You scared? You ought to be. You could be next if you aren't careful."

If Erik wasn't trying to goad a negative response out of you, he seemed to straight up ignore you. He also had no filter in what he was saying and would say things to purposely provoke you.

You made friends with Shuri and were quite interested in Erik's health, especially his mental health.  They managed to cure his physical ailments but there wasn't much they could do for the mental.

When Erik realized you weren't leaving it seemed to make him even angrier. In his opinion you should have left long ago (Actually you shouldn't even be here to start). He kept laying into T'Challa every which way he could. "You call this a mercy, huh? Saving me? You should have left me to die.  Bury me in the ocean that was the only thing I requested of you and you couldn't even do that right!"

This was the first time that Erik saw you go off. You were angry that he obviously wanted to die, that he saw no hope for the future. You were angry that he had no will to fight to live. So you challenged him, "If we gave you a way to commit suicide, would you? Let me answer that, it's no because if you were that weak or strong depending on your point of view to commit suicide you would have done it long ago. All this drama wouldn't have happened and we wouldn't have met."

After your tantrum you promptly turned and apologize to King T'Challa, Shuri and Okyoe who was privy to it. It's not in your nature to fly off a handle and you apologize for your lack of decorum. Not one of them minded and they liked you more.

To say that Erik was stunned at your temper tantrum (on his behalf) was an understatement. The days that followed, left him in a deep sulk as he mulled over your words.

But after, your temper tantrum, Erik did begin to let you attend to him.  And once again, Erik found himself relaxing more around you. So much, even the others noticed. And they may have noticed that Erik accepting your tea that you insisted on making.

Shuri (out of Erik's earshot) would joke about it. "If we knew that's what it took, we would have brewed some long ago." You laughed and said, "It has to specially made, Shuri." "Oooh, I get it, it's the love that goes into the tea."  That remark got you all flustered.

Eventually a year or so later, T'Challa offered Erik a position working with Wakanda outreach if he wanted. By this time, Erik was slowly putting a life together and agreed to it. And by this time, although he lost none of his snark, he begrudging began to find himself with a family with T'Challa and Shuri.

You came to work with the Wakandian Outreach program as well.

Eventually, during a lazy date, Erik finally told you that he loved you. And a year later, the two of you were married.  "Even though I am not a King. You'll always be my Queen, baby."

I know this was long but I hope you all enjoyed it!! 

[sadrien]

prince of cats

chapter eight: which mannerly devotion shows in this

on ao3 || on ffnet 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8

sorry this is late, its been. rough.

maybe dont expect a chapter next week? i should (hopefully) be moving into my dorm on sunday so uhh yeahhhh.

i literally know nothing about apartment hunting. i did some googling on like..what happens if you apartment burns down but i kept it suuuper vague so...sorry about that

enjoy

Marinette curls up at a chair in Alya and Nino’s kitchen and clicks through emails on her laptop. She needs to be designing, but her bag with her tablet in it is across the room and she doesn’t want to get up right now. She has a cup of tea in front of her and is comfortable with the way she’s sitting.

She’ll be productive later.

She checks her phone for messages, not sure what she’s expecting, but still being strangely disappointed when she doesn’t have any.

“Hey, girl,” Alya says, wandering in from the bedroom. “What’s up?”

“Not much,” Marinette murmurs. She closes her email and goes back to the apartments she was looking at. “Still looking at places. I am…struggling.” She pulls on her pigtail as she chews on her bottom lip.

“Hm.” Alya places a dish in the sink. “You know you can stay here as long as you want, right?” she asks, turning around to face Marinette.

“I know,” Marinette answers, keeping her eyes on the screen.

“Mari.” Alya sits down across from her and slowly pulls the laptop away.

“Hey! I was—”

Alya closes the laptop. “The world won’t end if we talk about this.”

Marinette sighs. “I am definitely intruding.”

Alya scoffs. “Shut up, Mar. You’ve been my best friend for like a decade now. Which, one, holy shit we’re old. Two, you will always have a home with me. You’ve known Nino for even longer, trust me, he doesn’t mind.”

Marinette rubs her temples. “I just…”

“You don’t want to be a bother. You don’t want to overstay your welcome. Blah blah blah.” Alya grabs one of Marinette’s hands and squeezes it. “Remember when we were starting university and we both thought we were going to be jobless and homeless and I promised I would share my box with you?”

Marinette nods.

“This,” Alya taps on the table, “is my box. I am sharing it with you. I swear to god, Nino and I are more than happy to let you stay here as long as you need to. As long as you’d like. We want to help you. If you feel that bad about it, you can buy groceries every once and awhile. Give us a few euros for the rent.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Marinette mumbles.

“I know you don’t want to back to your parents, but they’re there too,” Alya reminds her. “Even if they are a little bit further from your work. You might have to figure something out since they totally renovated your space, but your friends and family are here to support you. But you have to let us help you.”

Marinette sighs. “I know. I just… I don’t want to feel like I’m leeching off of others.”

“You’re not,” Alya says firmly. “We all know you can provide for yourself. Right now you just need some help and that’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”

Marinette takes a deep breath. “I know.”

“You don’t have to keep looking for an apartment if you don’t want to,” Alya says softly. “Or if you want to take a break from looking for a few weeks. But don’t stress out about this too much. We’re here for you.” Alya leans across the table and presses a kiss to Marinette’s forehead. “I have to go work on an article, but let me know if you need anything, okay?”

“Mhm.” Marinette stares at the table as Alya gets up and goes back into the bedroom. Marinette reaches for the laptop before she stops and unlocks her phone instead.

She opens up to a text conversation she keeps opening up to, like that will change the messages that have and haven’t been sent.

From: Marinette (the Neighbor) To: The Cat Guy Hi this is Marinette Just checking to make sure we put in the right numbers and everything

From: The Cat Guy To: Marinette (the Neighbor) Yup! Numbers are right, this is indeed Adrien How are you doing?

From: Marinette (the Neighbor) To: The Cat Guy Im doing ok Im going to be staying with Alya and Nino until I figure out what to do Ho w are you?? Are you able to stay with your friend?

From: The Cat Guy To: Marinette (the Neighbor) I’m doing pretty well, Plagg isn’t loving it though And I am, yeah! Hopefully I’ll be able to find my own place soon enough

From: Marinette (the Neighbor) To: The Cat Guy Thats good!! Hopefully Ill find a new apartment soon too, Id love to get my stuff out of storage you know??

From: Marinette (the Neighbor) To: The Cat Guy If you need any help looking for apartments, let me know! Ninos surprisingly good at it andhes been helping me out

From: Marinette (the Neighbor) To: The Cat Guy I hope youre doing well

She closes her messages and locks her phone. She looks desperate. It’s been over two weeks since Adrien last responded to one of her texts. She didn’t think he’d fade from her life that fast, but apparently she was wrong.

She needs to move on. She has bigger things to worry about. Like finding an apartment.

Marinette apartment hunts for about twenty minutes before she switches over to YouTube and starts binging random YouTubers.

Goodbye, productivity.

✦ ✦ ✦

“Has he texted you back yet?” Alya asks as Marinette and Nino lounge on the couch.

“Not yet,” Marinette says, keeping her eyes on the action on the screen.

“Hm.”

Nino pauses the show. “Did you ever find his social media, Al? You were pretty determined.” Alya groans and drops onto the couch, laying across Marinette and Nino’s legs. “I tried. And I did find an instagram, but it’s just pictures of his cat.” Marinette smiles a little, even though it kind of hurts. “I can’t believe he has nothing else.”

“He’s not a very social person,” Marinette points out.

“Whatever,” Alya mutters. “He’s kind of a jerk anyway.”

Marinette looks away. “He might just be busy.” She can feel Nino and Alya’s eyes on her.

Yeah, she doesn’t really believe it either.

✦ ✦ ✦

Marinette tries to leave the apartment whenever possible. She goes to work and stays out for lunch and gives Alya and Nino as much space as she can. She loves them and believes that they would let her stay for the rest of time, but she still wants to give them privacy sometimes.

She would get sick of herself too.

She visits apartments. Some that are too expensive, ones that she hates, ones that are too far from her work, ones that are falling apart. She finds a few that she likes. There’s one she sort of has her eyes on, but she’s also, strangely, a little worried about moving in. Or out. Or…on.

She’s getting lunch at a café when she looks out the window and sees a black cat sitting on the fire escape of the next building.

She finds herself thinking of Plagg.

Marinette goes back to eating and tries not to think of Adrien too much, but part of her knows that all she’s going to draw tonight will be Adrien’s face. The curve of his nose, the line of his hair, the sweeping lines of his hair— 

That reminds her that she still needs to buy new watercolors and colored pencils. Unfortunately, of the things to survive the fire, most of her art supplies was not on the list. The fire had started on the floor above hers, and had just reached her apartment when it was put out.

Honestly, she’s relieved that anything of hers survived.

On her way back to work, she stops at the art store. She shells out on a new set of watercolors and some paper and a brush set. She hesitates at the copic markers before getting a single green that reminds her of springtime and nothing else.

As she exits the store, a black cat rubs against her legs. Marinette looks down and the cat looks up at her, meowing.

She sighs and reaches down to scratch behind its ears. “I have to get to work.” That cat headbutts her hand. “So I can only be here for a minute.”

The cat meows in protest when Marinette stops petting it and stands up. Suddenly struck by inspiration, Marinette takes a picture of that cat at her feet.

She opens a message thread that hasn’t been active in over a month.

From: Marinette (the Neighbor) To: The Cat Guy [image sent] I met a cat today and thought of Plagg I hope youre both doing well

✦ ✦ ✦

Nino turns up the music as he cooks dinner, rocking back and forth and singing into a spoon. Marinette rolls her eyes and maneuvers around him to get to the cabinet with the spices.

“Marinette!” Alya shouts from the livingroom. “You’ve got a text!”

“A text?” Marinette yells back. “From wh—”

“Holy shit!” Alya screams. “A text!”

“That sounds important,” Nino says, raising his eyebrows.

Alya trips overself as she runs into the kitchen, shoving Marinette’s phone at her.

From: The Cat Guy To: Marinette (the Neighbor) [image sent] Plagg says hi and that he’s extremely jealous

[pinkpeccary]

all the trans ask game asks !!!!!!!!!!! or any five, if that's too many !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^-^

under the cut bc long

1. How did you choose your name?i still use my birth name irl, because it’s familiar and i like it, but i use ollie on here bc it’s the name i would change to if i changed. i like it because it’s gender neutral, leaning masc, but could easily not be. it actually started as a name for characters i made up, and eventually i realized i liked it enough to use it for myself.

2. What gives you the most dysphoria? (Acknowledging that not all trans people experience dysphoria)probably when people assume me to be a girl and refer to me as such. like it bothers me less if the person knows it’s not totally accurate, and it depends on the circumstances and the person and the word they use (i’m pretty okay with girlfriend or sister), but that’s the big one.

3. Do you have more physical dysphoria or more social dysphoria?i’d say more social, the physical stuff comes and goes and i can control for a lot of it with clothing

4. What do you do to perform self-care when you’re feeling dysphoric?idk really, i think i just try to distract myself by being around people i trust and just doing something else to get my mind off it. if it’s a physical thing i might change clothes to something that makes it a little less strong.

5. What was the first time you suspected you were transgender?junior year of high school, when my trans male friend was talking to our theater teacher about the complications of passing and being out and shit and mentioned demigenders as a complicating factor in that it’s not as black and white binary as people think

6. When did you realize you were transgender?probably a few months after i started thinking about it, the process was a little weird because i went from “i’m a girl” to “i’m a demigirl” to “i’m agender” and so on, but yeah

7. What is your favorite part of being transgender?this isn’t true of every trans person, but personally i find it very freeing from gender roles and biases. because i’m fluid and have difficulty conceptualizing gender in the first place, i can kind of just respond to any “x gender does this” thing with either “that applies to me” or that it doesn’t, regardless of the gender they name. 

8. How would you explain your gender identity to others?i think i’d self-describe as genderfluid. idk what between, but i think it is fluid and it feels different from day to day. i can’t easily conceptualize how gender works, so most of my descriptions are based of vague feelings. lately i’ve been leaning masc (gender-wise, not necessarily presentation-wise).

9. How did you come out? If you didn’t come out, why do you stay in the closet? Or what happened when you were outed?i talked to my mom about it a bunch during the process and that was fine. i didn’t really tell anyone in high school because it never came up and i didn’t know how to bring it up. at college it’s fairly straightforward, it’s customary to share pronouns when you meet people here, so i say i use whatever pronouns and that’s that. i’ve only really gotten into the details of it with [k tag].

10. What have your experiences with packing or wearing breast forms been?haven’t really tried it, i don’t really get bottom dysphoria

11. What are your experiences with binding or tucking?binding works somewhat. i don’t like that i have to wear a shirt over the binder to really get flat; if i just wear the binder it doesn’t look as smooth.

12. Do you pass?i mean the obvious response to this is “as what?” i don’t read male bc i’m smol, have a round face and a girl’s name, etc. in terms of dress i think i’m probably read as queer in some way, because of short hair and occasional “boy” clothes, but idk what people think my gender is by looking.

13. What (if any) steps do you want to take to medically transition?i want top surgery. idk how that’ll work, because i’ve been trying to get it arranged for this summer but being home is a bad experience so idk how that’s going to work. also i haven’t looked into this much but getting rid of the ability to be pregnant would be A+.

14. How long have you been out?since i got to college pretty much, so about 8 months or so

15. What labels have you used before you’ve settled on your current set?so the ones i can remember off the top of my head, in no particular order: demigirl, caedogirl, commogirl, agender, agenderflux, nonbinary girl, stargender

16. Have you ever experienced transphobia?only microaggressions, like people using overly binary language or assuming me to be a girl, etc.

17. What do you do when you have to go to the bathroom in public?my college has all gender neutral bathrooms. elsewise it depends on where i am, if i feel safe doing so i’ll use whichever bathroom is free/closer because i feel like i can identify with both binary genders to the same extent in that case

18. How does your family feel about your trans identity?my mom’s supportive, so’s my dad as far as i can tell, idk if my sister knows and i don’t care, my brother definitely does not know bc i’ve never really explained it to him (and it would be hard bc he’s got some cognitive issues and is still kinda young so it would take a while) but he’s wonderful and i’m sure he would be fine with it

19. Would you ever go stealth, and if you are stealth, why do you choose to be stealth?i wouldn’t. i don’t want to read as binary in either direction.

20. What do you wish you could have shared with your younger self about being trans?i wish i could’ve figured this out when i was like 10. i had major dysphoria all through puberty and ignored it on the basis that it was “probably just body image issues” and that i had “more important things to worry about.” i wish i could’ve known this was a possibility then so i maybe could’ve done something earlier.

21. Why do you use the pronouns you use?i use it pronouns. i don’t like binary pronouns bc i’m not binary, and i don’t like neopronouns bc they’re too weird for me (not that they’re bad, i just don’t personally like them). singular they sits weird in my head because it uses verbs in plural tense, even as a singular word. it is my compromise for that, as a singular gender neutral pronoun. it also has the added benefit of feeling right for when i want to distance myself from personhood, which i do as a mentally ill / autistic thing sometimes.

22. Do your neurodivergencies affect your gender?absofuckinglutely. i can’t conceptualize it. i really like things to make sense bc #autism, and gender doesn’t make any fucking sense. 

23. What’s your biggest trans-related fear?i don’t really know. i guess maybe people not letting me be who i am? idk. i’m in a pretty good place wrt physical danger, bc i pass as my agab, live in a pretty liberal place, and am v white. so idk.

24. What medical, social, or personal steps have you already taken to start your transition?ignoring gendered clothing, stopped having periods, telling people i use any pronouns

25. What do you wish cis people understood?i want them to know what it’s like to not be certain in your gender. i can’t understand what that certainty feels like, but it seems really strong in most cis people (and some trans people as well) and i want them to understand that not everyone has that.

26. What impact has being trans affected your life?i mean it’s a major part of my identity, so probably a lot, but idk specifics. 

27. What do you do to validate yourself?i really like the phrase “i’m the prettiest boy.” i’ll usually say that in my head when i’m having a good day, or like when i’m getting dressed in the morning and i like my outfit (even if it’s a girly outfit). it’s not technically accurate, bc i’m not really a boy, but i would prefer to be read as a boy than a girl.

28. How do you feel about trans representation in media?it’s pretty shit. there’s a couple good reps, but mostly you don’t really see it. also nonbinary rep is absolutely terrible.

29. Who is your favorite trans celebrity?ngl the only one i know is laverne cox

30. Who is the transgender person who has influenced you the most?idk

31. How are you involved with the trans community, IRL or online?last semester i went to my college’s trans affinity space (this semester it conflicted with a class i’m taking). online i just kinda talk about my gender sometimes, i’m not really that involved.

32. How do you see yourself identifying and presenting in 5 years?probably the same (autistic genderfluid), presenting boy-ish, etc.

33. What trans issue are you most passionate about?i have no passions 

(this is a lie i have many SpIns)

34. What advice would you give to other trans people, or what message would you like to share with them?whatever you id as and whatever you feel comfortable sharing is totally cool and you are rad

35. How do you feel your gender interacts with your race, disability, class, weight, etc. from the perspective of intersectionality?i mean i’d honestly say my gender identity is probably a symptom of my disability. aside from that i’ve got the thin white kid privilege in that i look like the stereotypical nonbinary. i’m fairly privileged in terms of trans stuff based on location, circumstances, appearance, etc, so yeah.

36. What, if any, is the difference between your gender identity and your gender expression?i wear what i feel like for the day. i like sundresses, and usually think of myself as more “boy in a dress” though it definitely doesn’t read that way. sometimes i wear more boys clothes, and i think i just read kind of butch rather than “boy”.

37. Do you feel more masculine, feminine, or neither?i lean masc on the basis of i’d rather err on that end of the spectrum. it’s like a balance between how i’m seen and how i feel, and the “girl” end already has a whole bunch of stuff, so i’m balancing it out by being more “boy”

38. What is your sexual and romantic orientation, and what are your thoughts on it?in big words it’s grayromantic acespike. it’s connected to my gender in the sense that it’s probably also a result of being autistic. i’ve only really been attracted to one person (my current bf), and i guess the only comment i’ll make is sometimes there’s an implication that i’m not gay enough, not because of being a-spec but bc the only person i’ve demonstrated attraction towards is the opposite binary gender from my agab. so. that’s a thing.

39. Is your ideal partner also trans, or do you not have a preference?i really don’t care. [d tag] isn’t, and he’s wonderful, so i don’t think it matters to me.

40. How did/do you manage waiting to transition?i just kind of distract myself. there’s only really one thing i want to do, and i’ve been living with dysphoria for long enough that i can kinda just wait it out until it happens.

41. What is the place (blog, website, forum, IRL space) you get most of your info on being trans or on trans related things?tumblr

42. Do you interact with other trans people IRL?i have a bunch of trans friends (not so much in my immediate friend group) but yeah

43. Are you involved in any trans-related activism?no

44. Free space! Answer any question you want, or make up your own question to answer.i don’t have the spoons to come up with a question rn but this was fun

[littlepanduh-writes-365]

Opinion of RPF

tw// mentions of depression and anxiety

howdy doo everyone~

I’ve been writing and rewriting this letter for the past few days. There are many thoughts that I wanted to include, but I’m constantly worried about the longevity and potential curtness of some topics. I’m also worried that my opinions are going to backlash on me, but I came to the conclusion that in order for me to be a better person and a better writer, I need to accept criticism. I just ask that if you do send me criticism or questions, please be patient and understanding with the response time. I try to handle things sensitively which means I put a lot of thought into my answer and writing. I also admit that I get rattled easily and I want to give you answers when my head is clearer. 

This has been something that’s been on my mind for many years actually. It’s caused me to stop reading and writing many times. At this point, it’s becoming a vicious cycle and I don’t know whether I want to continue it anymore or just give it up and find something else to do. If you’re reading this, I hope you can at least gain insight and understanding because some other authors may have felt this way and if you have the time, I’d appreciate some feedback. I know this document is long, so I’m really thankful if you can bear through it. 

I have been reading and writing fanfiction for about 11 years. I have been writing for k-pop on and off for 7 years now. Although writing has been a great hobby and outlet and the k-pop writing community has proven to be a safe space for me, I still tend to have internal conflicts about the ethics of Real Person Fanfiction (RPF). I have a very long explanation of my philosophy of writing, which I encourage you to read if you read many of my fics, but to break it down, I acknowledge that there’s a lot of responsibility when writing for the k-pop fandom. 

I know these are real-life people and it’s possible that readers might get the wrong idea when reading my fics. I want you to know that when I write my fics, I’m not exactly thinking of that specific person. This sounds kinda horrible because it’s blunt, but when it all boils down, I’m basically just using them as a face claim. It’s easier for me, especially since I write a lot of shorter fics and drabbles, because I don’t have to spend a whole page describing a character, like how authors of books normally do. A lot of what I write comes from personal experiences so I usually think of a plot and then decide which person fits my character. I admit that I do choose characters based off of the idols’ personalities/personas, but I’m not going to hold it against them in real life. I sometimes adjust my character to the “real” personality of the idol, but not so much. I’m pretty sure a lot of k-pop fanfic writers feel this way (and I can imagine readers feel that way too), which is why I encourage you to read the extension of this memo which digs into specific topics, like writing idolverse/”canon” and smut. 

If you are a writer, I hope you have a similar philosophy that respects the people we write about and also reflects on a potential cultural impact you can make. If you are a reader, I hope you take an author’s intentions into account when you are reading. It’s not just writing out a fantasy, but there are thoughts and emotions writers want to express or a lesson to teach. Sometimes people do write just for fun and it’s normally okay, but it varies case by case on whether the intention is appropriate.

Sometimes it is hard to see those intentions, especially when it’s not explicitly written out like this or authors chose to be vague about endings or “what happened last summer” or something like that. Depending on the situation, the uncertainty is a key factor in their style or storytelling, but if you’re uncomfortable about it, you have the right to voice it out. This is why it’s so important to communicate with authors by the means of commenting. Jumping to conclusions is very disrespectful to a writer and that’s not fair for fanfic writers who are doing this for free. Conversations like, “where do you get this idea from?” or “did you mean this when you said that?” clarify the intentions of the author. (If you have a strong opinion or interpretation, you may want to preface in your comment that because you might just come off as rude and taking control over the story.) Many authors might say, “it’s up for any interpretation”, but will give their own insight. In my opinion, if authors don’t give you the time of day or completely shut down your opinions, I understand if you start forming your own opinions. (I don’t believe social media slander is the way to go but maybe appropriate if they ignore the problem.) Depending on the writer, they are busy, so please be considerate of their own personal schedules. Don’t demand a quick response time or a public apology. Reading and writing are supposed to be cathartic and empathy-inducing and distracting and fun. Your opinions are valid. (I have to add on that if you chose to ignore things like trigger warnings and tags, that is on you.)    

You may be wondering, why am I writing this letter? I seem to know my limits. I try not to be a problematic person. It doesn’t seem like my writing is problematic either. I’d like to believe these things, but I recognize that these are all subjective. I am not necessarily going to be completely transparent with you because that’s a whole lot of layers and I don’t want to just force all of that on you, but I will be open with you about things that I’ve already put out. 

I’m predicting that the people who are reading this memo have only been reading my recent works/works I’ve posted on AO3. If you don’t know this, I am also on AFF and tumblr. Although a lot of my stuff (especially the one-shots on tumblr) is pretty lighthearted and surficial, I have written about deeper and darker topics: character death and mourning, cheating, panic attacks, and a pole dancer. I have also included themes of drinking, swearing, and implied sex. These range from passive mentions to having the whole story revolve around that topic. I recognize that these can be uncomfortable themes, which is why I try to relay my intentions and sensitivity through Extended Author’s Notes, content warnings per chapter and tags, taking forever to edit, and writing long responses to comments. I choose to write about these topics because I personally get tired of seeing similar fics and, again, I just need an outlet.

Allow me to address a… hyena in the room (yeah, not an elephant). I don’t usually flash this card, nor do I feel 100% comfortable talking about this, but I’m just going to come clean and say that I suffer from depression and anxiety. No, you don’t need to feel sympathetic or look at my writing differently. Please don’t do that. That’s not why I’m telling you this. I mostly want to say that, yes, I have these mental illnesses, but I also acknowledge that it doesn’t excuse any toxic behavior. I have written when my anxiety-induced insomnia gets to me or when I’m having a particularly low week. I try to edit when I’m more stable, but again, that’s pretty subjective. I try so hard to cope properly and I do use other methods besides writing. I talk to my friends to make sure I don’t isolate too much. I’ve ventured into music and dance. Admittedly, things have been harder with this pandemic. I’m not a perfect person and I admit that I slip up every once in a while. You might see it in my writing. Sometimes, I’m rereading a paragraph for the 12th time and I’ll be completely jaded over the intensity of the emotions I wrote 3 months ago because it comes to the point that I’m just looking at words. The words that I wrote at 2AM after a self-loathing day seem completely different two weeks later after a deep talk with my best friend. One day, it’ll hurt me, and the next, it’ll mean nothing. I’m not sure how it’ll affect you. I acknowledge that my readers come from different walks of life and different experiences. I want to respect that. If something bothers you, please do not hesitate to communicate with me. 

I know I don’t act like it all the time, especially on Twitter, but I am an adult and I’m trying to handle at least my mental health like an adult. I write about mature topics and as a writer, I recognize that I need to handle the reception maturely as well.

The “best woman of this generation” once said this about her group. “Even if there are good times, there could also be times when you feel disappointed or feel regret or get angry or annoyed… Just do things that you like. Resolve your mood, then come back to Red Velvet… It’s not “always like Red Velvet”. I’d like for your guys to find many, many diverse things to enjoy… I do really want you all to be happy.” I am in no way in the same league as Red Velvet or Ms. Bae Joohyun, but I’d like to keep that humble mentality. You don’t have to support every fic I write. You don’t have to support my entire story. You don’t have to approve of every topic I write about or the messages I relay. (I would like to hear your thoughts, but you are not obligated to do so.) The beauty of these sites is that you can come and go whenever you would like. I get it. Life happens. Things change. Opinions change. You’re valid. If ever you want to come back to my story or maybe finish one that you never continued, you are always welcome to do so.   

I, myself, have stopped reading fics, even if they were good. I’m not just talking about ongoing fics that lost its flare. I’m also talking about completed fics or fics that have over 500 Kudos or were Featured on AFF. Sometimes the topics are too deep. Sometimes, I just need to emotionally prepare myself for an update. Sometimes I lose interest. I’m sure the author might feel a little hurt, but that’s just how life is. I don’t spend a lot of my time reading and writing fics. In the end, I’m going to finish the fics that kept me interested.

Alright, if you’ve made it this far, congratulations. Serious conversation is over (for now). Thank you for your tolerance, patience, and understanding. If you are someone that reads my stories, thank you for your support. If you are someone who enjoys my stories, thank you for your love. With the time that I have, I’m working hard to be a better writer, but most importantly, I’m working harder to be a better person. The k-pop community has been a safe place for me and I want to continue letting it be that way. 

Stay safe and healthy everyone <3 Until next update

Click here to read my in-depth opinions about writing. (Skip to page 4.)

[minithemoocher]

To Meditate or To Medicate...

It’s been a while since David or I have sat down to share some thoughts with you - things have been wild since the move to our new unit - but we are here now! July marks our 6th Month at Lochburn Road, it’s insane how quickly the time is going.

July also marks the one year anniversary of me taking medication to help me manage my OCD. I wanted to talk a little about that subject, medication and the weird feelings it invokes in me. When I actively consider the concept of taking a tablet every night, it leaves me with the strange thought that in some way, it represents weakness. I have had this conversation with lots of people in the last year, about the undocumented possible side effect of taking medication; embarrassment, shame and denial.  

I have kind of jumped in head first here, with out much context of what has happened since my previous post about Mental Health so let me spin off some cliff notes and I will loop back round to the above subject...

I found out that I have OCD or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

I discovered that OCD takes many forms and the stereotypical hand washing, light switch flipping and cleaning portrayal of OCD is a poor and marginalized representation of the condition.

I have a few different strains of the the bloody thing but the most difficult to deal with is the Intrusive Thinking OCD (sometimes called Pure O).

Intrusive Thinking is one of the more difficult to diagnose given the lack of obvious physical ticks (they are there, you just need to look really closely) It is also commonly misdiagnosed as Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder (yup) and also in my case Health Anxiety.

I have most likely had it all my life (definitely since my late teens) and it has swayed back and forth from various strains.

Read this page for a small over view of the different types of OCD https://www.ocduk.org/types-ocd

I contemplated that I might actually be crazy despite all my nice talking and self reassuring in the months before.

I finally agreed to take medication after a particularly grim reaperish, month long episode.

So that roughly covers it in terms of the diagnosis and I am glad that I have something to work with. It took a good while but we got there (we as in me, Davie, the doc, my family - having multiple personalities is not a symptom).

It’s worth noting my intrusive thoughts & compulsions are around the unknown - vague I know - or you could say a lack of ‘solid evidence’. Read bed bug gate post if you want an example! Another common one for me is the thought that I may, accidentally, have done something terribly wrong and not known it or realized it and the potential repercussions of said terrible thing (that I haven’t done). That kicks off the cycle of the intrusive thought, which becomes the obsession and subsequently the compulsion to try and quell the thought, such as repeatedly asking some one to give their view on a the (bizarre) hypothetical situation and ask for reassurance. I can see why to the untrained eye it looks like someone just worrying and stressing a little. I call it getting stuck in a loop, which can go one for hours, days, weeks, months. It’s no the greatest tbh! And the mad situations I come up with make me question my claim to not being very creative.. So anyway, medication. That’s what I really want to talk about. 2 years ago, when I originally took really unwell and began talking a bit more publicly about it I was all over the place. I was determined that I absolutely would not be taking any tablets, not that there was ever anything wrong with someone else taking them, but I wasn’t going to do it. Don’t get it twisted here - I never had an issue with anyone else taking medication, in fact I actively encouraged those who had made that decision to stick with it, try it and give it a fair shot. It was not that the medication was bad per se but more of the idea that my mental health was not bad enough that I needed it. In other words, for me, denial.

So, I went in pursuit of other means - some work - some don’t! Training, has and will always be the best medicine for me. I’ve covered that off in posts before, but given the nature of OCD and it’s ability to morph quicker than morph himself, I have since discovered that my management programme needs to be able to evolve and change too.

But anyway, my pursuit of holistic and organic management started. I did a lot of research online, sifting through loads of articles, website, blogs and magazines to help me find possible solutions. The obvious one here CBT but I am going to leave that one out just now - it’s not massively relevant to my point, I am talking more of the life style advice stuff that people give. There were some really good, sometimes obvious points; don’t drink, eat well, sleep regularly, exercise, mindfulness, go for a walk, talk to some one etc etc. The list goes on. However, as I researched on and on I started to unearth this concept, from some people’s perspective, that medication is bad, not good, masking the problems and in some case portrayed as being a sign of your inability to deal with your issues.

So I had my plan, no medicine - it’s definitely not an option as it is bad - train, eat well every day, no drinking, sleep 8 hours a night, avoid stressful situations, practice mindfulness, no social media, no TV and avoid conflict. Sorted.... except it’s not very realistic is it. Well for me it ain’t. I am 29 years old, with a family (and some very patient and understanding friends), a wee one to look after and a house and business to run. I also live in a big city in the 21st century. My plan had some challenges. Long story short, it didn’t work. I was fucked (sorry for language but best way for me to accurately describe my state at that time) from being really unwell for a good amount of time at this point. I didn’t have the reserves there to execute my plan. I kept trying, but understandably, given my head space alone, kept failing in my endeavors which in hind sight only added to my issues.  And in to the bargain I had managed to convince myself that medication was absolutely not an option because it was bad - it would mask my problems, not help.  By this point my aforementioned denial was gone, I knew I was in really deep and really really struggling but again nope - no way - I am not taking pills. In the end it got really grim. We will call this the grim-reaperish stage!  I won’t go into the details but suffice to say I am grateful that I made it through that stage for the 2nd time in a year. During the grim reaperish stage, I had no choice but to hand over my care to my family and doctor. I was incapable of making any decisions. So medicine was prescribed and Davie held my hand as I cried taking it. Now for me, it helped me start to turn things around. It took the edge off, i panicked less, I feared things a little less, I wasn’t living in constant state of fear and high alert. It certainly didn’t magically fix my problems nor did it mask them, it just allowed me just a little tiny bit breathing space to help me start to execute my previous management plan. It allowed me to get back training regularly, it allowed me to able to keep some food down and actually have an appetite, it allowed me to not go from 0 to 100 as soon as there was a slight sign of challenge or uncertainty - now I just go to 50. I am taking that as a result.

In essence what I am saying is that medication has helped me a little and that’s ok. Yet sometimes, I still struggle telling people that I take medication every day and for me there is no definitive end date as of yet, we are hoping for next year but who knows. Each day as it comes right. Here is the reason I struggle with this admission; once I read some one else’s opinion that medicine is bad and taking it makes me weaker and it really stuck with me. I was already in denial about the state of mind and this compounded that thought real quick. A rational mind would say ‘ that’s one person’s opinion, you do you’ and they would be right but for me, and for many other’s struggling with that question, the thought process might not be that rational. It’s important to note I also seen people on the flip side, advising that I should me medicating and not bothering with alternative methods of management. It works both ways - the no medication stuck with me because that’s the conformation I was looking for.

So just to be clear, I am not saying that medication is good or bad, nor am I saying that mindfulness and meditation etc is good or bad. What I am saying is that every one person is different, and they already have a hard and laborious task of finding the correct solution for them so if you are issuing out advice, please do so with caution and compassion. Medicine, holistic or pharmaceutical, as treatment is such a controversial subject across many illnesses, I think it’s only fair that the recipient of your opinion has one, asked for it and two, that it is caveat-ed with the fact that is this is your opinion (based on referenced facts if required) and they should make try to make an informed choice of their own.

Information sharing is great for Mental Health issues, and it is something I have actively encouraged in my previous posts, but I suppose the important bit I missed was please do so with a heightened sense of awareness of how someone may react. Please don’t shame someone for taking a more holistic approach or for choosing a medicine based approach. Usually these types of comments come from a place of love and concern, but it’s maybe how we do it that matters. Instead of saying ‘do this not that’, maybe suggest putting some time aside to research options together and approach it with an open mind. You might just be the rational voice that someone needs when they can’t think rationally!

Everyone is different, but they all share the common goal of getting better or feeling like themselves again. My OCD will never fully go away, I am stuck with it for life and whilst it may be peaks and troughs, it is always there. What may be a fleeting comment for one person, is likely to stick with me for longer.

So to medicate or to meditate. I have found that a mixture of both is working well for me - ok not so much meditating, more like smashing pads, bags and sparring, sitting in silence in my head can some times be a little over bearing. The point is you do you, be informed, know the risks and be confident in knowing that you are far from weak. My previous posts re the mental health campaign are over on the NewLife Mental Health Blog which davie has hijacked this week. You can see them here: http://www.newlifeglasgow.com/mental-health-campaign-blog

Thanks Jill

Ps. I always say this but it’s kinda part of my OCD - I am not a doctor or medical professional. I am just some random lassie, who kicks and punches for a living and happens to be trying to figure the shit out of my OCD. My posts are are just my experiences.