#i am just. ready to move forward. i'm so tired. i'm in so much pain.

[danieyells]

Felt a bizarre little sense of discomfort seeing a character with my deadname is aroace (whereas ordinarily i would either be happy or indifferent) so today is perhaps going to be a sensitive day

[blindmagdalena]

how do you think homie would react to reader breaking up with him because they have very different morals (homie kills people, ik he's babygirl but he does just brutally kill people, reader is a pacifist)

-bree(sorry for multiple asks in short time :P)

cw gaslighting, imprisonment, manhandling. no more mr. nice homelander.

"Fine, listen, listen, if it means that much to you, I won't do it anymore," Homelander says, hands lifted placatingly. The way he says it makes it sound like he's doing you a favor. Like you're overreacting to a mild infraction. You stare, mouth agape. "This... This isn't some bad habit. You kill people."

"Yeah," he agrees, a slight strain creeping into his voice. "Yeah! Okay. And? Lots of people kill people. And typically, I only kill people who're also killing people." "Typically," you echo, at a loss. How can he be so flippant about this? It's like he hasn't heard a single word you've said. "You don't care. At all." "Why should I care? Why should you care? It's not like I'm killing people you like, or even know," he says, his exasperation with you intensifying. "But you love me. So just... Cool off, alright? Sleep on it. Before you do something you'll regret."

The shift in his voice when he says that runs a chill up your spine. "Are you threatening me?" "What?" Homelander laughs. "No! Of course not. Babe, listen to yourself. C'mon, I know you're upset-" he moves to take your hand, but for the first time, you yank it from his reach, crossing your arms. His hand hovers in the space yours had been for a moment, his eyes locked on the same spot. He inhales a slow breath, his fingers curling into a fist before dropping back to his side.

When he looks at you, his gaze is bereft of any playfulness. Your denial of him has flipped a switch in him that you've never seen before.

"You're tired," he says, voice set low. Any traces of the lighthearted pretense from earlier has been dropped. "It's late. You have a lot to process. So, we are going to put this aside for tonight. You are going to come to bed with me, and we'll talk about it in the morning, when you're calm." "I am calm," you tell him, refusing to let him make you feel like you're the one being unreasonable. "Please move. I already told my friend I'm on my way," you lie. You wish you had. You wish you realized sooner you would need to. Homelander had always been so utterly devoted to you. He hung on your every word, met your every whim, loved you so thoroughly that he made you feel like his entire world. Only now have you realized the dangers of that kind of love.

His mouth twitches. "Which friend?"

You begin to answer, wanting to give validity to your fiction, but an awful thought occurs to you. Would he hurt them? "It doesn't matter," You reply instead, clutching your overnight bag. "I need space, and I don't want you coming to me before I'm ready. Please, move," you say, voice wavering. He was making this so much more painful than it already was. You do love him, but he's making you feel like you barely even know him.

Homelander taps his hands on his thighs, considering you. After a prolonged silence, just before you open your mouth to speak again, he claps his hands together. "Alright. Sure," he says, stepping forward. You step backwards. "Door's right there." You're immediately relieved, but there's a nagging feeling in your gut. "Thank you," you say softly, adjusting your grip on your bag. "I'll call, okay?" Homelander offers a sideways nod, seeming... resigned. You feel the guilt of it weigh heavily, and for a split second, you question yourself, whether what you're doing is right or fair. You have to steel yourself before your resolve falters. You need time away from him to collect yourself, and figure out what to do about the man you, as it turns out, know very little about.

Just as you pass him, you feel a sudden grip on your arm, and in a flash you're spun around, stumbling back into the penthouse. You stare wide-eyed for a moment, turning back around. Poised exactly as he had been before, Homelander stands in front of the door, hands on his hips. His brows lift slightly. "Well?" Your heart is racing now. "What are you doing?"

"Go on," he says, ignoring your question. "Door's right there."

Anger rolls through you in a heated wave. "I'm not playing this game with you," you say, moving to shove more forcibly passed him this time, but once again he catches you with a hand on your wrist, spinning you around with such ease, you may as well weigh nothing at all. Yet again you stumble back into the penthouse, tears welling in your eyes as you round on him. "Stop it! Get out of my way!" "Door's wide open, babe. All you have to do is get to it, and you can leave," he says, voice perfectly relaxed, devoid of any passion or empathy.

With a frustrated cry, you hurl your bag at him, and full on sprint towards the door. You get closer this time, but just as you reach for the knob, Homelander takes you by your shoulders and spins you right around. Your own momentum carries you further in. You barely catch yourself from falling, letting go a sob that's equal parts rage and heartbreak. Who is this man?

This time, you throw yourself bodily towards the door, screaming your distress, your anger. You do it again and again and again, and every time, Homelander spins you right back around. On the final attempt, as he once again redirects you, the force of your own momentum hurls you to the ground.

"Do you get it yet?" Homelander asks, cocking his head to the side, checking to see if you're picked up on this lesson in futility. "You don't call the shots here. You don't get to just decide we're done. Relationships go two ways, sweetheart," he says. That petname used to give you butterflies. It sounds sour on his tongue now. You hear him sigh, closer to you now.

"Didn't think you'd be that stubborn. But I guess I've always loved that about you when it wasn't pointed at me, huh?" He asks, a playful little lilt slipping back into his voice. You struggle when he scoops you up, you make an animalistic noise of pure aggravation, but it's as fruitless as ever. Homelander is both an unstoppable force and an immovable object, his grip on you like steel. He cannot be stopped, or even hindered, as he carries you towards the bedroom. He sets you down on the bed, and out of pure unthinking fury, you raise your hand to slap him across the face. The strike lands, but Homelander doesn't so much as twitch. Your hand smarts, you may as well have slapped a brick wall. You clutch your wrist, letting go another sob. It aches immediately, frail in comparison to his unyielding frame.

Cupping either side of your face, Homelander swipes away your tears with his thumbs, watching you impassively. There's patience in his expression, though it looks stretched thin.

"I know you're upset," he says, an echo of earlier, as if picking up right from where he'd left off. As if nothing of the last twenty minutes had even happened. "But we'll get through this. And hey, hey, I'm not even mad at you, okay? Because that's what it means when you love someone. You forgive them." You feel numbed by your own plethora of tumultuous emotions, strung out and exhausted. You close your eyes, unable to stomach the loving way he's gazing at you. He kisses your forehead, wringing a weak, hiccupped little noise out of you. "That's my girl. I love you more than anything. You know that, right? That I would never do anything to hurt you?" No matter how gentle his hold on you is, it's inescapable. You have no choice but to face him, bleary as he is through your tear-welled eyes. Unable to push an answer through the tightness in your throat, you just nod.

"That's right. Of course you do. Because if I wanted to hurt you, I would have. It would have been easy, huh?" Those words break something in you. You lose whatever bit of composure you had built back up, and you begin to sob anew, an agonized sound. Homelander's expression twists. He's never liked seeing you cry. He's also never been the source of it.

"Shhh, shhhh, hey, it's alright. You're okay. I would never let anything happen to you," he says, as if he wasn't the very thing happening to you in this moment. He kisses your forehead again, your tear-streaked cheeks, and finally your lips.

You don't have any fight left in you. Not against the press of his lips, and not against the way he brings you under the covers with him, clothes and all.

He pulls you against his chest the same way he has a hundred times before, as if this is any other night that the two of you have fallen asleep in each others embrace.

You hug your arms tight to your chest, crying hard, while he rubs your back, hushing you. Comforting you, as any good boyfriend should.

"It's alright. I've got you," he says, his arms an oppressive force around you. "I've got you."

[ruiningsalads]

Happy Friday! How about “Ha. Don’t think too highly of yourself. Just because I crave your company every now and then, doesn’t mean you’re my weakness. You’re not.” for Varric x Cassandra from the 'I'm weak for you' prompts?

ugh I'm obsessed with these two. this maybe wasn't exactly the prompt, but it's making me feel all the feels. a lovely little ficlet for @dadrunkwriting

Varric's head lolled forward, his chin resting against his chest despite the muscles in his shoulders screaming in agony. He was simply too tired to keep his head up, even though he would prefer to see what his captors were doing.

Their plan was the most hare-brained scheme he'd ever heard: capture the dwarf to lure his Inquisitor friend into a trap. He was touched that they thought he was important enough that Lavellan would rush in without thought just to save him; but he also wasn't in any hurry to remedy their misconception. After all, they might just kill him outright if they knew. So, he sat on the most uncomfortable chair ever made with his hands tied behind its back and imagined all the horrible things he would do to them once he had Bianca back in his grasp.

He also now knew better than to wander off alone to take a leak. Apparently, that was when people liked to sneak up on you and throw a sack over your head.

The sound of fighting outside his little room had his head snapping up. The meathead left to guard him drew a small, but wickedly sharp, knife as the door splintered open. There, her sword and shield at the ready, was Cassandra, and she was mad.

"Stop, or the dwarf gets it!" The idiot actually held the blade to Varric's neck. He felt the cold metal nick his skin, releasing a warm trickle of blood.

Cassandra's cold gaze flicked from the knife to the thug holding it. "Do you think that threat works on me?" she demanded.

"You seem awfully eager to get him back," the man leered.

"Do not mistake my duty for eagerness," she retorted as she took a step closer.

Varric hissed as the knife cut a little deeper, and she hesitated. The man laughed, low and mean. "Duty, eh? I'd say the only duty you're doing is--" But before he could finish that thought, Cassandra swiftly pulled a small knife from her belt and threw it. Suddenly, the blade at Varric's throat was gone as something heavy fell to the floor behind him.

Cassandra moved to untie him, not paying any mind to the dying man.

"Duty, huh?" he rasped, pressing a newly freed hand to his neck wound.

With surprising gentleness, she pried his hand away and peered at the cut. "It's true. My duty is to the Inquisition and its agents." She tsked and pulled a small vial from her belt, poured some of its contents onto a handkerchief, and pressed it to his neck. Immediately, he felt a sting as the cut began to heal.

"And here I was thinking you actually cared," he grunted through the pain.

Her eyes locked with his. "Whatever my personal feelings are, they cannot interfere with my duty." Maker, he was starting to hate that word. But then she reached with her free hand to stroke his cheek. "That does not mean I will sit by and let someone harm you, not if I can stop it. Understand, Varric, that I cannot allow myself to have such a weakness, no matter how much I care about you."

He grimaced. "Yeah, I got it. Thanks for saving me anyway." When he moved to pull away, she gripped his shoulders to hold him in place. Reluctantly, he met her eyes.

"I love you, Varric. Never question that. I am only trying to say... I just mean..." She sighed in frustration. "You're far better with words than I could ever hope to be."

"Just say that first part again," he murmured.

Her smile was more beautiful than anything he'd ever seen. "I love you, you meddlesome dwarf."

[kittyandco]

i actually have no idea what to do right now [more info and an insight into how i've been feeling lately under the cut].

i've been trying to find a job for almost 10 months. i'm tired of this. i'm tired of slogging through applications and unfair job descriptions, changing my resume for the 50th time (or not and just mass applying), writing new cover letters (or not and just using the same one), researching companies to prepare for interviews for hours at a time, scrutinizing my every move and breath because i know that they're already doing it and it still isn't good enough. i'm almost 250 applications deep. many interviews that never amount to anything. it feels like i'm running out of jobs to even apply for. [trying to move beyond retail but even those are hit-or-miss] thinking about job applications and employment is basically a compulsion at this point and i WISH i could get it out of my head.

i am bored beyond belief. i hate how much time i've had to fill with just scrolling my dash or my youtube home feed when it's the same stuff on it over and over and over and not even deciding on anything to read/watch. how much time i've spend just... laying there. there have been times where it's just so hard to take care of myself, where i don't have much of anything motivating me.

my life has amounted to absolutely nothing (i know that isn't TRUE but it feels like it right now); i won't even reach any semblance of independence that i so desperately need anytime soon. i thought i could. i really thought i could succeed. i can't seem to move forward in any way at all. my two options are standing still or moving backwards. idk what to do. i've tried everything i can think of

it's gotten to the point where i'm either angry, sad, uncomfortable, or guilty all the time and i hate it so much. the only time i don't feel that way is when i'm working on my personal projects, reading, or hanging out with my friends. that can only take me so far, too. because sometimes, especially with the reading and personal projects, it feels like an obligation to get my mind off stuff, rather than what i want to do. i just feel trapped in a small, small world.

i've just gone nonverbal for the past few hours. i can't even look my parent (the one who isn't constantly criticizing literally everything i do on top of everything going on and knowing how i've been feeling) in the face and say hello. i try. very hard. to not seem hopeless. but this happens a lot. i'm so irritated i just want to be ALONE for ONCE. i don't want to answer to anyone. i'm ready to just get away. i'm just so beaten down

i have editing and extensive writing experience so i've been thinking about opening paid requests to edit essays or other types of writing, or even fic commissions, but i know that it isn't even going to go anywhere. all anyone cares about is art anyway and i stopped posting my writing here long ago because of that. so i probably won't even bother

please don't comment with advice or questions about job applications or anything of the sort. no "something will come along" please... it's just so painful to hear now. when i say i've heard it all, TRUST ME. i do not want to hear it.

anyway i just wanted to get this out where others could see it but not in a one-on-one conversation, and not in the private pages of my journal. my journal is full of stuff just like this, and it makes me feel worse just continuing to fill it with spiraling of the same same same same same same because nothing ever changes for me

and finally, if one of you is going through the same thing, take solace. you aren't alone. you are loved despite how you feel

[itsjillybean]

Prompt: After a successful tour, Copia has thrown himself back into work at the ministry and begins to grow ill from exhaustion.

Thank you to @n-u-l-lo for requesting! This is my first writing ever so please be kind >.< constructive criticism is accepted though.

ENJOY <3

It's a cloudy, crisp autumn day and everyone is hard at work at the ministry, especially one Papa in particular. Despite how much energy he had put into their recent tour, he was adamant about continuing to work just as hard now, feeling the pressure of Sister Imperator and Nihil as well as having a lingering fear that something might happen to him, given that Saltarian had been hanging around lately, and the tour being over too. There isn't a day go by that he doesn't remember what happened last time...his dear brother Terzo's untimely demise...

Anyways, Copia was currently walking down the hall towards the library, when a small dark shadow whips passed him and stops him in his tracks. "Papa! Gosh I feel like I haven't seen you in days!" Aurora smiled sweetly as her tail whips around excitedly. He smiles back softly as he tries to move forward, "Ah, my apologies picolla Ghuleh. I have much work to do. We can talk more later, eh?" "But, you've been on your feet every time I've seen you around. You really should be resting, not that I think you can't handle yourself I just-." She stopped herself from rambling on. He smiled sadly, patting her shoulder, "I am okie dokie, I just have some things to do, you should rest as well, you have worked very hard on your first tour with us my dear, if you'll excuse me." She frowned as he walked passed here hurriedly, noticing the fatigue in his face and the almost sad tone in his voice. As she turned, Swiss appeared at the end of the hall, looking at her expression and Copia walking away from her. "What's wrong Ro?" he placed a hand on her head. "He hasn't stopped ever since we got home. He looks so tired Swiss...I'm worried about him." Her tail drooped with her shoulders as she leaned against him. Swiss nodded and rubbed her arm, "Our Papa is stubborn, but hopefully he'll rest soon. It must be important if he hasn't yet."

Copia sat amongst several books, his scribbling rang throughout the silent room. The clock stroked midnight and he jumped slightly, groaning and setting his pencil down. Copia laid his head in his hands, a dull ache pulsing through his brain.

I can't... I can't stop working. What if they see me like this, weak...

He stood and left his things on the table, walking out of the library. As he made his way towards his room, the world suddenly tilted, time seemed to slow down as he lost his balance and fell to the ground. His head throbbed in pain and his limbs felt weak. Trying to move, he felt as though he weighed a ton. "H-help..." he croaked. He felt a pang of fear run through him.

Am I dying? No...please, I'm not ready.

Fatigue started taking over and his eyes were slipping shut. Footsteps came from down the hall, then they started pounding against the floor, sprinting towards him. "PAPA! Papa open your eyes please, can you hear me?!" His eyes barely opened to see Sodo leaning over him, holding his head. "Ghul...tired..so..tired" Copia let his eyes close as exhaustion took over. Sodo shook him and tears welled in his eyes, panicking and yelling for help. He held Copia's head in his lap, trying to make him as comfortable as he could. Moments later Mountain turned the corner and froze for a second, fearing the worst and ran to pick him up carefully, the two walked him to his room and called for a nurse. After checking him over she informed the ghouls that he seemed to be extremely exhausted, he had developed a fever as well. "His other vitals are very good, he will be alright with plenty of sleep." She nodded at them and slipped out of the room. Sodo slumped in the chair across from Copia's bed. His shoulders jumped as a small cry left is lips. Mountain kneeled in front of him, gripping his neck and pressing their foreheads together. "I thought he was...and all I could think of was Terzo...I cannot lose someone else. Especially not him." Mountain frowned as his heart ached at Sodo's words. The ghouls loved their papas dearly, and ever since Terzo they have been very protective over Copia. "He will be okay, let us leave him to rest. We can check on him later, I will have Aether watch the door so he does not try and go working again." He patted Sodo's shoulder before pulling him up and out of the room. They went to the den with the others and informed them of Copia's state. Everyone's ears and tails fell and sadness and worry permeated the air. Cirrus spoke up, "I know we're worried about him, but let's also try not to be overbearing when we go see him. Try not to talk down to him, or yell at him for being so reckless. He'll have learned his lesson from this." Everyone nodded and started to move to their rooms for the remainder of the night.

Day came and Copia started to awaken, feeling extremely groggy, but better that he had gotten some rest. As he went to move, he felt a weight on his legs, and something cocooning him on either side. His eyes sprung open to see several ghouls piled into his bed. Cumulus, Cirrus and Sunshine on his sides, and Phantom, Aurora and Swiss were at his feet. Aether, Sodo and Mountain were standing on his left and smiling down at him. "Apologies Papa, but we couldn't convince them to not swarm you." Aether smirked. Sodo looked at him with big sad eyes, "You really gave me a fright Papa..." "All of us." "We just want you to take care of yourself." "We care about you very much." "If anything happened to you.." "We would be lost without you." (you may choose who says what I just didn't want a run on dialogue ahhh) Copia felt his heart swell up and tears pricked his eyes, he had never felt so loved, not even by his own mother. These wonderful creatures were his family...He cleared his throat and smiled down at all of them. "My dear ghulehs, mi dispiace, I did not mean to frighten you. I just...I have been so very focused on working so hard, so that the ministry takes me seriously. So that my m...Sister Imperator and Nihil take me seriously. You all mean so much to me as well. I will not push myself again, I promise. Thank you, for being here for me." Phantom and Aurora climbed up to embrace Copia, the others including the standing ghouls piled in for a giant hug, "Ai, you all are very heavy." Everyone started to laugh and held each other. Their strange and lovely family all together. <3

[the-kirbe-anon]

Alright I'm posting my writing. It is cringe, but it is my cringe. You have been warned.

Drip the InkWraith had been flying for ages it seems. Every bone in his body was just trying to move as fast as possible, with little thought other than that he had to escape. Drip didn’t need to look back to see what was happening. Everything was still engraved in his mind. He could still hear the screams, still see the Skels, killing what was left of his species, despite how far away he’s already flown away from his home…. Or what used to be.. He was the only one to escape.

Drip didn’t have time to process everything now, as it was getting dark and he knew he had to at least find somewhere to hide. His bright, paint-covered wings would be sure to draw unwanted attention. He decided to land in a forest, not ideal, but it was dark, so he could hide, and every fiber in him was exhausted. Drip sat down, leaning against a tree, His wings and ears drooping from exhaustion.

Drip laid against the tree, about to close his eyes when suddenly he heard a crack. Despite being tired and in pain, he jumped to his feet in a panic. He slowly turned toward where the sound came from, trying not to make too much noise. The paint on his wings started changing to the color of his surroundings, a defense mechanism InkWraiths had when threatened. Drip slowly looked up to see a pair of deep green eyes that looked exactly like his, staring right at him.

The shadowy, cloaked figure stared at Drip, not moving in the slightest. Drip blinked and suddenly, the figure was gone. Confused, he looks around, the shadow figure nowhere to be found. Drip lets out a sigh of exhaustion. Was that even real, Drip thought to himself, or am I just that tired? Maybe it was just a hallucination. Drip leans back onto the tree, still standing, just to be safe.

After a few minutes, Drip started to slowly slide back down the tree, when suddenly he got knocked forward and thrown onto the ground. He quickly rolled onto his back to face what hit him and suddenly the shadow figure was looking down at him, this time growling aggressively. At that moment Drip could tell what the shadow was. She was a Skel, a female, as he could tell by the thin tail. She also didn't seem to have wings, like most Skels do.

Drip’s eyes went wide with terror as he looked up at the Skel. He tried to sit back up, but the Skel pinned him to the ground with her foot right on his chest. He started to flap his wings, trying to break free. This didn't do much, as he was already weak and exhausted. The Skel growled in annoyance and pressed her foot harder into Drip's chest, making it harder for him to breathe. Drip could feel himself losing strength as she did this. Desperate to escape, he tries to kick the Skel off of him. The Skel still held Drip firmly to the ground, adding more pressure onto him, making it painful and nearly impossible to breathe. I'm going to die here, Drip thought in terror, as black dots started to fill his vision. The last thing he saw was The Skel pulling out a stinger from her tail and getting ready to stab him, before everything slowly went black.

BlackIce the Skel had just gotten out of reach of the other Skels, who tried to execute her for her refusal to kill the InkWraiths. She could still remember being pinned down by their leader and having her wings chopped off. She could still feel pain and tingling where there were wings, at times, as if they were still there. She shivered at the very thought of that memory. The only thing on BlackIce’s mind now was to hide and hope nobody would find her.

BlackIce found a dark forest, perfect for hiding in. With her black cloak and the shadows from the trees, she was sure to be invisible. BlackIce ran quietly into the woods with her hood up to remain unseen. When she ran deep enough into the woods, she started to walk around, looking for a place to rest. After a few minutes of walking around, BlackIce found a sturdy tree that she could climb in and hide. She climbed onto a branch and leaned up against the trunk, her tail wrapped around the branch.

Closing her eyes, BlackIce was ready to fall asleep when suddenly she heard something crash nearby. Jolting back awake and quickly turned to see what happened. BlackIce looked down below her to see an InkWraith, seemingly exhausted and shaken, resting against a tree. She quietly observed the InkWraith, watching him slowly start to close his eyes. I thought the Skels killed all of these guys, BlackIce thought, as she watched the InkWraith fall asleep.

After a few minutes watching the InkWraith fall asleep, BlackIce decided to slowly climb down from the tree to investigate. She slowly approached the InkWraith, trying to remain as quiet as possible. As she slowly walked towards him, she stepped on a branch. The InkWraith immediately jumped to his feet and turned towards BlackIce. BlackIce remained as still as possible, hoping the InkWraith wouldn't try to attack her. Instead, he just stared at her for a minute before she decided to run away, remaining unseen. BlackIce snuck back behind him and got an idea. An awful idea.

I could kill him pretty easily, BlackIce thought quietly. Maybe the other Skels will accept me back if I do. He’s only an inch or two taller than me and already weak. BlackIce watched the InkWraith lean back up against the tree he was resting on. This is probably the only chance I'll get before he flies away. BlackIce prepares herself.

Before the InkWraith could sit back down, BlackIce launched herself at him, knocking him forward. Before he could get up, BlackIce pinned him to the ground with her foot, right on the weak point on his chest, if she remembers her training correctly. The InkWraith flapped his wings wildly, trying to escape, but all that did was annoy BlackIce. Baring her teeth at him and growling, she pressed her foot harder into his chest. She could feel him getting weaker and struggling less when she did this. I'mThe InkWraith tried to kick her off of him, but he was getting weaker with each passing second. BlackIce looked deeply into his frightened eyes as she pressed into his chest more. “Please….let…go…” The InkWraith whimpered, in both pain and fear. BlackIce could see tears forming in his eyes as they started to close. She pulled out her tail stinger. This will end it quickly, she thought as she was ready to stab him.

BlackIce looked down at the now unconscious InkWraith as she was about to stab him. She noticed how sad he looked, even unconscious. Did she really want this? We're the other Skels really going to accept her back after this? What if they didn't, and she just ended this InkWraith’s life for nothing? BlackIce sighed and lifted her foot off of him. Poor guy, she thought as she looked down at his body.

Curious, BlackIce observed the InkWraith as he lay there even if he's dead. She had never been this close to one before. She looked at the paint-like substance that covered his wings. The paint was gray at this point. Is this the color they turn when they die? BlackIce wonders. She then approached his head. She reached and touched one of his ears, which were surprisingly squishy. BlackIce held the squishy ear and suddenly, it twitched. BlackIce jumped back in surprise. The InkWraith's wings also changed to the color of the forest again, deep greens and browns. He suddenly gasped for air and his eyes shot open. He wasn't dead, and there was nowhere for BlackIce to hide now.

[hemsworthandhiddleston]

Baby Love - Tom Hiddleston x Reader

Fandom: Tom Hiddleston

Warnings: Fluffy fluff

Rating: PG

Summary: Tom and his wife welcome their baby girl into the world.

Tom shut the door of his home and pulled off his wet coat. The rainstorm had come in unexpectedly and he was forced to run from the car without an umbrella. After hanging his coat on the rack, he ran his fingers through his wet hair as he walked further into the house.

"Y/N!" He called, "where are you?"

He was met with silence as he entered the kitchen. He figured he would have found her at the counter making their dinner. He hadn't been expecting her to be cooking but often, she was making dinner when he came home. He loved coming home to the wonderful fragrances of whatever she was preparing. So, when he didn't find her, he had to admit he was slightly disappointed. Tom left the kitchen and stopped in the living room. From where he stood, he saw Y/N in their pool. He opened the sliding glass door and stepped onto the patio. Y/N was floating in the water watching the rain hitting the glass of the patio roof, her swollen pregnant belly protruding from the water.

" Y/N."

She moved so she was standing and turned towards the sound of her husband's voice. Her face lit up when she saw him.

"Baby!"

Tom chuckled, "hi sweetheart. How are you?"

Y/N just shrugged causing him to frown.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," she answered quietly.

Tom grabbed her towel and walked to the stairs, "come out so we can talk. I can't help unless I know what's bothering you."

Y/N sighed softly but did as he asked. She held the railing and slowly climbed the three steps. Tom wrapped the towel around her body as best as he could and leaned forward to kiss her.

"What's wrong?"

She waddled her way to the table to sit down.

"I'm a little afraid to tell you."

"What? Why? You can tell me anything."

Y/N sighed softly, "I am so ready for this to be over."

"What?"

"The pregnancy. My back hurts all the time. I'm tired and cranky all the time. I'm as big as a house because all I want to do is eat. I've gained so much weight that," she paused as tears filled her eyes, "I'm afraid you're going to leave me cause I'm so fat."

Tom kneeled in front of her, "no love. That is not true at all. You're not fat. You are pregnant with our child. You are about to give me the most beautiful gift in the world."

Tears slid down Y/N's cheeks at his words. Tom reached out and gently wiped them away. Leaning forward he pressed his lips to hers, kissing her gently.

"I love you very much. If there is anything I can do to make you more comfortable I will."

She shook her head sadly, "I don't really think there is."

"I'm so sorry. It's only two more weeks and then we'll have our beautiful little girl. It'll be worth it in the end, right?"

She gave him a teary smile, "yes it will be."

Tom kissed her again and again, "I'm sorry it's been so difficult."

"It's okay. Some days are harder than others."

"Is there something I should be doing that I'm not?" he asked concerned, "you know I would do anything for you."

"I know you would Tom," she reassured, "There's nothing you haven't done for me or our baby. I mean you took time off from working to make sure we were taken care of. I don't mean to complain so much and I'm sorry I am. I'm just very uncomfortable right now. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. If I could take some of the pain for you, I would but unfortunately."

Y/N laughed and kissed him, "I love you so much."

"I love too darling," he bent and kissed her belly, "I love you too baby girl."

Y/N smiled and kissed him again when he sat back.

"So, when are you going to tell me what you want to name her?"

"Soon," she smiled, "I think you'll really like it."

***

Y/N moved around the kitchen preparing lunch. She had just retrieved a loaf of bread from the bread drawer when a sharp pain shot through her stomach.

"Ahh!" she groaned as she bent over in pain.

She gripped the counter as another pain ripped through her stomach, "Tom! Tom!"

Tom jumped up from his desk chair when he heard his wife screaming his name.

"Y/N!?" he ran down the hallway and down the stairs, "Where are you?"

He was heading for the living room when he heard her scream again. He changed direction quickly and ran into the kitchen.

"What happened?" he asked frantically when he saw her bent over, "What is it darling?"

"Oh god," she groaned, "I'm having contractions. I think I'm in labor."

"Okay. It's okay," he assured, "Let's sit you down."

He moved her to one of the kitchen chairs.

"I'm going to go get your bag."

"Hurry. I'm scared."

"Don't be scared love," Tom kissed her forehead, "it's going to be alright."

**

An hour later Y/N was situated in a hospital bed while a nurse hooked her up to the heart monitors that would monitor her and the baby's heartbeat.

"How are you doing Y/N?"

She looked up at her husband, "Okay but really scared."

"I know love. But I'm right here with you. We're going to get through this together. Whatever you need, I'm here."

Y/N nodded, "Okay."

Two hours passed and the nurses were wheeling Y/N into a birthing room. She was squeezing the hell of Tom's hand as another contraction hit.

"Breath love. Keep breathing."

***

"How do you think it's going in there?" Elsa asked.

Chris looked at his wife, "I'm sure she's fine. Tom would never let anything happen to his wife." "Look he's coming," she stood from her chair and walked towards Tom, "So?"

Tom smiled, "She's so beautiful. 7 lbs 5 oz. 21" long."

Elsa smiled and hugged him, "Congratulations. I'm so happy for you guys."

"Me too," Chris spoke up and hugged his friend, "We called Y/N's parents. They should be here tomorrow morning."

"Thanks. In all the flurry I didn't even think."

"It's fine," Elsa assured, "We took care of it."

"Thank you so much. I have to get back in there."

"Ok. Let us know when we can see them."

Tom nodded and took off for the delivery room.

"Is everything okay?" he asked, concerned when he saw his wife wasn't holding their daughter.

Y/N gave him a tired smile, "The nurses are cleaning her up."

"Okay mom," one of the nurses carried the baby over and laid her in Y/N's arms, "Take a few minutes and then we'll bring you back to your room."

"Thank you."

Y/N smiled, "You were a part of this you know?" He laughed, "So, what are we naming her?"

"Ophelia."

Tom looked at her surprised, "A Shakespeare name?"

"Yes," Y/N smiled at him, "What do you think?"

"It's perfect," he leaned down and kissed his daughter's head, "Hello Miss Ophelia. I'm your daddy."

Y/N smiled, "I love you."

"I love you too. Always."

[writingpromptneeds]

more tumblr quote prompts pt. 2 a continued collection of prompts taken from different quote blogs on tumblr. all credit for the quotes to their owners.

'You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody.' 'Heaven is a place on earth with you.' 'You weren't ready to love, and I wasn't ready to be hurt.' 'Sadly, sometimes it's too late. That's the thing about time: we cannot get it back.' 'I guess you never cared as much as I thought you did.' 'You are the finest, loveliest, tenderest, and most beautiful person I have ever known- and even that is an understatement.' 'They say love is pain. Well, darling, let's hurt tonight.' 'You were a dream. Then a reality. Now a memory.' 'The saddest thing in life is seeing the person you love, happy with someone else.' 'You deserve someone who answers.' 'Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met.' 'Lost time is never found again.' 'My heart is so tired.' 'If you hesitate between me and another person, don't choose me.' 'Why am I so afraid to lose you, when you aren't even mine.' 'When was the last time anyone ever told you how important you are?' 'I want to be with you, it is as simple, and as complicated as that.' 'You deserve good things and I want to be one of them.' 'You are always stronger than you think you are.' 'I think of you so often you have no idea.' 'I'm not giving up. I'm just starting over.' 'The less I know, the better.' 'We are products of our past but we don't have to be prisoners of it.' 'Keep moving forward.' 'Some people there's no getting over.' 'First impressions are always unreliable.' 'Sometimes having a conversation with yourself is the best medicine.' 'In the end, everything matters.' 'Someone you haven't even met yet is wondering what it'd be like to know someone like you.' 'When people start liking people, that's when someone has the ability to get hurt.' 'Just because you took longer than others doesn't mean that you failed. Remember that.' 'Sometimes people don't want to hear the truth because they don't want their illusions destroyed.' 'Do you think it's possible that some people are born to give more love than they will ever get back in return?' 'I love you wildly, insanely, infinitely.' 'Lost time is never found again.' 'Don't allow someone to treat you poorly just because you love them.' 'And I'm tired of everything else. But I don't ever seem to get tired of you.' 'I don't owe people anything, and I don't have to talk to them any more than I feel I need to.' 'Sometimes not telling people anything is a good thing.' 'I always wanted to be somewhere else, I don't know why.' 'You are, and always have been, my dream.' 'The best nights are the ones you never plan.' 'Just because you're angry doesn't mean you have the right to be cruel.'

[pbandjesse]

I accidentally took a two hour nap this afternoon so now I feel very much not ready for bed and also daylights savings continues to confuse my body. So it's after 10 and I'm just starting this.

I had a good day though! Just busy. I slept a little better last night. But waking up was super hard. I would get out of bed and found myself just with a stiff neck and feeling really tired. I was just moving really slow.

James had jury duty today. So they would leave right after me. I wore the wrong jacket and would be very cold. But it was fine. The car would be warm enough.

I stopped for breakfast and went over to the museum.

We had a highschool tour first thing. None of us realize it was an extended tour. So once the school was there we were like. Okay!! Add in transportation and pharmacy. And it was fine. They were such good kids. Some of the other groups apparently weren't very chatty but our little group was and they were really fun. Had excellent questions and made me laugh. At once point in the begining I asked them what industry meant and they were all quiet and one goes "guys!! We gotta get this!! Our teacher is gonna kill us!!" And it was just so funny.

We didn't have much time after the tour to grab a drink. Because we had a 1st-3rd grade tour right away. We don't normally have tours for that age. And it was funny jumping right into that from 11th graders. It was a nice tour though and the kids were super sweet. I also liked the teachers a lot. They were Monasori kids so I was looking forward to seeing how they approached balls and track later one.

We would have a break for lunch. I ate my sandwich and worked on my knitting. I would finish my first ball of yarn before the end of the next program.

And the kids enjoyed building. But also just watching me knit. Kids are so funny though asking if I can give them my project when I am done. And I'm like. I'm not going to be done before you leave?? Silly geese.

They would soon leave me. After a visit to the car. And I would sit in the back talking to Gaby and Mubtasin about toy collecting and how stupidly expensive thrift stores have gotten. And then I had to go.

I went to get pizza at 711. And then drove to my rhumatologist for my appoint.

And everyone there is so nice the woman at the front desk is always so lovely to me. The doctor is great. The medical assistant. The woman who does the injections. The only person who gives me weird energy is the phlebotomist. She just seems so annoyed at me every time and I don't understand it.

At least the nice guy who checked me in last time was there. And I got to show him my art and we talked for a bit. And then the doctor came in and she said she isn't to worried about my nose but wants me to get set up with a new dermatologist anyway so this is a good time to start working on that. And then it was time to get some blood taken. Which again. Weird energy. She also said I was dehydrated and my blood was moving slow. So I gotta be more mindful of that next time I get blood taken I guess.

The injections went just fine. Quick. Only a little pain. My one leg bled a lot for some reason but it was fine. I set up my next appointment and headed out.

I got really really tired in the drive home. I drank all my water. And had a snack and made it back in one piece but man was I tired.

I would get inside and get in bed and wait for James to come home. They did not get picked to be on a jury. And would lay in bed with me for a few minutes. Eventually I fell asleep.

They woke me up around 6. And I was very disoriented. But I was okay. I had a salad and a vegetarian chicken patty for dinner. And made two more bear designs.

Auni suffered a make one based on a former congresswoman that was known for her hats. And so I did that. And made an old bay themed one too. It was fun. Eventually I would move to the studio to try to cast some bears. I'm still struggling getting my resin to set consistently. But we will keep trying.

Brandon came over tonight. And we talked for a bit while I worked on my knitting. And now James and Brandon are watching a show and I'm hanging out with Sweetp and texting with Laura about America-core and it's very funny to me. I hope she comes back to camp this year.

Tomorrow I have my first class at the hospital! I hope it's fun. And then I have my meeting with the craft castle. Fingers crossed cause I think it could be really great!! Goodnight everyone! Be safe!!

[myeverydaymess]

My 2022 in a nutshell

It's been a few months since my last update. I have so much I want to write about, but I almost always feel tired whenever I try to write or have too much on my plate - I never even started to expound the ideas in my mind. Even now - the post-Christmas and the pre-new-year week I always allot for self-reflection was taken away by work. My mind is just elsewhere and everywhere. So I'm planning to use a journal again this coming 2023. I hope that it will, again, help declutter my mind.

It was a challenging year for me. I set an ultimatum to myself last year that if there's no progress with my boyfriend, I will end things and move on. Weak-minded that I am, I was not able to break things off. Instead, I received another challenge - a challenge I detest the most! Apologies were said with the same promises, and again, I fell for it. So here I am, engaged, unsure but looking forward to the future because the challenge we've just overcome strengthened our relationship. We're now at a stage where it's not all about romance anymore; we chose to stay.

After some realization that I was leaving nothing for myself, I felt drained. As if my soul was sucked dry. I lost the part of me that cared for my loved ones. I unknowingly detach myself from these people. Everything feels different now. I learned to love myself more and not let others use my kindness. The biggest lesson this year is to set boundaries even with your family. There's only so much you can give. 

I want to leave behind all the negative emotions I had this year - but not the lesson it comes with. I'm leaving the pain but not forgetting why it happened and the changes which made me who I am today. I'm thankful for all the eye-openers, opportunities, and achievements 2022 has given me. I'll strive to be better this 2023 and the succeeding years.

I'm looking forward to 2023. I'm hopeful and ready to take on another year!

[3xpiredgf]

glass body.

every morning, i wake up feeling like i've aged a hundred years overnight. my body is heavy, as if filled with lead, and just the act of sitting up feels like i’m lifting a weight far too heavy for me. it’s as if every bad choice i’ve ever made has settled into my bones, each regret and careless moment lodging itself inside me, building layers of aching reminders that i can’t escape. my body doesn’t feel like my own anymore. it feels foreign, used-up, something i’ve borrowed and broken beyond repair.

the pain is constant, a dull throbbing that shifts from one part of me to the next. it’s there in my back, my abdomen, my chest—a heavy, sick ache that drains everything out of me. moving feels like i’m dragging chains; i’m exhausted before i even start the day. i used to think that being young would mean endless energy and boundless opportunities, but now, i feel like an old dog, too sick and tired to keep up, too broken to care. there’s a quiet humiliation in it, knowing that i'm supposed to be strong, healthy, full of life—but instead, i’m deteriorating, worn down by my own hand.

i can feel my body giving out, little by little, and i know it’s because of the way i’ve mistreated it. i used to believe i was invincible, that none of it mattered—but it does. i feel it in every heavy breath, in the sharp pangs that shoot through my chest when i try to move too fast, in the dull ache that lingers long after i’ve stopped moving. the fatigue is unrelenting. it clings to me, drags me down until even the simplest tasks feel insurmountable. every day, i go through the motions, but it feels pointless. there’s no lightness, no energy left in me—only a slow, grinding weariness that makes me question how much longer i can keep going.

i’m terrified, but there’s a twisted irony in it all, too. when i was younger, i sometimes wished i could be sick, just so someone would notice, just to have an excuse to stop. now that i am—now that i’m damaged in ways i never anticipated—i’d give anything to go back, to undo it. but it feels too late, like i’m standing on a path that only goes forward into more darkness. i didn’t realize that this self-destruction i once romanticized would feel like this—so lonely, so empty. i thought i’d get something out of it, some kind of attention, some sort of validation. but now, it’s just a slow, steady march towards a finish line I’m not ready to face.

i used to think i was just tired, that maybe a few nights of good sleep would fix it. but now, i realize that this isn’t something rest can cure. it’s my body slowly shutting down. and there’s a strange kind of horror in that realization, knowing that every day i’m fading a little more, losing pieces of myself bit by bit. i remember being a kid and feeling invincible, like i’d live forever. Now, i feel like i’m running out of time, like i’m trapped in a body that’s wasting away, slipping through my fingers no matter how hard i try to hold on.

and yet, the exhaustion is the worst part. no amount of sleep seems to help; i wake up feeling as drained as i was before i went to bed, my limbs heavy and unresponsive. it’s like i’m dragging myself through a fog, barely able to focus on anything, my mind as worn down as my body. sometimes, i sit down for a moment, just to catch my breath, and i feel myself slipping, eyelids heavy, the world dimming as if my body is begging me to let go, to just give up. i close my eyes, and there’s this strange, heavy pull, like i’m sinking into a darkness that’s both terrifying and almost comforting.

the worst part is: i know i did this to myself. every cramp, every wave of nausea, every moment of dizziness—it’s all a consequence of choices i made, moments of carelessness that have come back to haunt me. i feel trapped in a cycle i can’t break, bound to this slow, painful decay that i’m too exhausted to escape. and yet, here i am, dragging myself through each day, hoping for some kind of relief that never comes, a flicker of hope that feels just out of reach.

i feel like i’m perpetually on the verge of throwing up, a queasiness that never quite leaves, making food feel more like a punishment than a source of strength. eating is a chore, each bite a reminder of the pain that’ll come afterward, and the taste of food barely registers anymore. my body is tired of fighting, but the emptiness gnaws at me, a reminder that no matter how sick i feel, i’m wasting away, bit by bit.

there are moments when i wonder if it would be easier to just let go, to stop fighting against this endless tide of pain and fatigue. i’m exhausted, not just physically but mentally, too. it’s draining to know that i did this to myself, that every painful step, every labored breath, is a result of choices i've made. and yet, there’s a part of me that wants to keep going, that still hopes maybe, somehow, i can turn this around. but that hope feels small, distant, and hard to hold onto when my body feels like it’s crumbling beneath me.

i’m trapped in this prison of my own making, a body that’s failing me, a mind weighed down by regret. i thought i wanted to be noticed, but now, i just want peace. i want freedom from this loop of pain, this never-ending cycle of exhaustion. and yet, every day, i wake up and face it all over again, feeling like a worn-out machine, something that’s outlived its purpose but keeps running because it doesn’t know how to stop.

—✶ L

[casspurrjoybell-33]

Wreckless - The Inspection

*Warning Adult Content*

Finnegan

I expect him to turn down my offer but he says...

"Sure, darling," and heads back for the kitchen.

I actually get to help and he lets me do some of the cleaning up, too.

He must be tired.

I napped today, he didn't.

He also drove.

Granted, he didn't go down the water slides for hours either but still.

"So, this afternoon? On a scale of one to ten, slow to crazy day at the office, where does today rank?" he asks me out of the blue.

Weird question and I'm not sure how to answer.

"It wasn't bad."

I only had one thing to do, one major problem to deal with and there were very few interruptions.

"Three?"

He tilts his head back and closes his eyes.

"Jeez."

His neck is accessible so I crawl over and attack it.

He's got this spot just below where his beard ends that makes him squirm a little.

"Be careful there, babe. Don't start something that you don't want me to finish."

Him calling me baby boy does all sorts of things to me.

It makes my stomach do a little flip flop and my whole chest get warm and it also makes my undies seem rather small.

I whisper in his ear

"I'd love for you to finish it, Emmett."

He grabs my hips and pulls me around so he can kiss me.

Maybe he's paying me back for earlier.

More like returning the favor though.

"I'm tired enough to fuck you how you've been wanting it but we'd better be in bed because I may not move afterwards."

Seems fair.

I'm not sure what he means though, tired enough?

Maybe to skip the prep, since he's tired.

That makes sense.

I'm sore, honestly but I don't care.

I need him.

"I can do some of the work, Emmett. Don't worry."

I race up before him, grab the lube and strip out of my restrictive undies.

When he appears in the doorway I'm on my back, two fingers lubing my ass while I stroke my cock.

"Damn boy, that is a pretty picture. You're gonna be a good boy tonight, aren't you?"

"Yes Emmett. I need you."

I expect him to flip me over when he crawls onto the bed and I'm halfway there but he stops me and throws my knees over his shoulder.

"I should make you suck my cock but you looked so pretty getting ready for me that I think you deserve a treat."

He lubes himself quickly and then he's pushing against my bud and working me open with steady thrusts.

"This morning wasn't enough, was it?"

God he feels good. Exquisite.

I don't love the tinge of pain but I do love being with him.

"No, no Emmett. I need more."

"Because you're a little slut. Aren't you?"

My mind briefly wonders if he said little as in a little or... fuck, I can't think.

He's tipped forward and pounding he hard and I have to focus on inhaling because air only seems to be going out.

I'm stroking myself off as fast as he's fucking me and my orgasm takes me by surprise.

"Fuck... Yes..."

He pulls out and starts jacking himself off while he kisses me and then shoots all over my stomach.

It's kind of him.. getting fucked when you're no longer hard isn't nearly as much fun.

I am covered in cum and not complaining but...

"We made a mess."

"Yeah. I'm gonna need to shower. I'll start the water."

I let him because he's on top and just makes it there faster but I grab us a towel and hop in as soon as it's not frigid.

He waits another minute and then steps in behind me.

"Glad you enjoyed yourself, darling."

I did... a lot.

"I guess I needed to release some tension from this afternoon maybe?"

"I guess so. Maybe you're right. Maybe you do need to be fucked every night. Can't have you going to sleep all tense." 

He runs his hands down my back and massages my lower back. 

It's heaven.

"That feels so good. Almost as good as earlier but you're right. I'm sure I'll sleep better."

"Hmm. I'll go and find my kindle."

'Yay. Story-time.'

I honestly didn't think... back when I did it the first time... that I'd still enjoy sucking Emmett's cock every morning but it's perfect and I love it and I've missed it.

Yes, morning fucks are good too but this is somehow very us.

I love it.

He's sleeping soundly again as I put on one of the new ties he picked out yesterday and by 7:00 a.m. I'm out the door.

The inspector isn't due until nine but I need to get some work done before then.

I call Jerrod and explain that he's good to go... read through resumes and make notes to Megan about two that I'd like to schedule for an interview... clear my inbox and go through the mail that's arrived while I'm gone and then... as soon as the work day starts... I go have a very unhappy conversation with the accounting department.

Before I know it... it's show time.

We walk through the site with Jerrod who thankfully has shown up.

The inspection seems to go well and by 10:30 a.m. I'm back in my office.

I call my father and tell him all about yesterday and my first failure.

He says to shake it off and that it's handled.

He agrees that I really need some accounting help and I promise to make it a priority.

He asks again to meet Emmett and I agree to run it by Emmett and plan something soon.

When I get home, Emmett and Marten are playing.

"I dropped all your new stuff at the dry cleaners and picked up what you had there. It's in your closet," he tells me as I strip.

The man is a miracle worker.

"Thank you."

"I'm scared to ask but how did everything go this morning?"

I was scared too but...

"Actually, fine. Megan was right, it's slow. I mean, I did this once before but now I have suppliers set up and employees so it's a whole new ball-game."

"Does that mean you're free the rest of the week?"

"Yes and I'm going upstairs right now to put on beach clothes."

As soon as I say it I can see it.

The blue house, the pool we still haven't used, the beach.

Rhys and Quincy and golf and dinosaurs and slides and pizza and me.

Me being me... little me.

I need more of it like I need air.

"Can we go soon?"

I didn't need to yell... Emmy is carrying Marten up the stairs.

"As soon as the dryer is done. I had to wash our sheets."

So worth it. 

"Do I have to drive?" I ask. 

"Nope. Backseat for you, kiddo." 

How does he know? 

Both what I need and how to make me feel okay about it?   

"Got some things for you this morning, too."

"A present?"

"Yep, in your suitcase."

I unzip it and flip it open and tucked in a corner are dishes. 

There's a divided plate, bowl and cup with a lid and bendy straw.  They have transformers on them. 

"I love them."

"Got you a little something for the trip, too, since you liked Rhys' snack containers. One's in my backpack ready to go. And there may be a few toys, too."

"Emmettt, it's too much."

"I just went to the dollar store, so relax. Besides, now that you're paying me rent, I am rolling in it."

He's so silly. 

"Okay." 

I hear the buzzer and he smiles. 

"Can we go, now?"

"In five minutes. Be ready.  I'm gonna make the bed and we can load the car."

[itsunpublic]

2023

Oh man, what a year. What a year!

I can't believe how many weird things happened this year. How many build-ups and releases there were this year. As if things were happening in the universe for me, whether I understood it or not.

The emotional roller coasters I've been on this year, the endurance, patience tested and disappointments I've felt this year. The unexpected changes to situations in my life from work to relationships, family dynamics and life direction all bringing me to a swirling tilt.

I started therapy for the first time this year (not including 2020 during the pandemic and under different intentions). I started this year to work on myself and to figure out why I can't get my shit together. Why I couldn't get out of all the hard times, the feelings of overwhelm, of swimming below the surface of water, or struggling to keep up; let alone move forward. Why I can't make a relationship click, why I had such negative thoughts about work and Austin. Why I don't feel like myself, of understanding who that person is even anymore. Why I'm so unhappy, so unfulfilled and have become so lackluster.

Who am I. What do I want. How do I get there. How do I get myself out of this hole--all the many reasons for starting therapy this year.

This year has been a climatic year of all things building deep within me, manifesting outwards into real life explosions and reckonings of myself. The good, the bad, the ugly, I guess, the needed.

There's this inner me and outer me I needed to reconcile. To mend into one. To find my WHOLE self.

I feel like these last 3 years has been my reckoning. The complete breakdown of who I was, the lowest of the lows that lasted longer than I could have thought I could have endured. To the point I didn't even know how to think about it anymore, but just living a day at a time without knowing what it meant. How I lost the light at the end of the tunnel, how I lost direction and what I was going for, where I was headed, what I wanted anymore. To the loss of self-confidence that I could make it through, that I could find my happiness. Bc I lost what that even meant.

The end of June this year, mid-way through 2023, I remember I broke down and had thoughts of suicide. Not in the way of wanting to end my life and the gruesome ways of doing it, but having thoughts of not knowing WHY I was living anymore. Of how hard it's been and wanting to give up. I wasn't able to think of a reason to continue the struggles of life as there wasn't any joy left in me. I felt no inspiration, no hope, no purpose or meaning-- and all my life was, was a life of struggles, disappointment, heartache, pain and effort. I was struggling to continue a life of so much effort without any positive gains. I was tired. I was so damn tired to holding on. And for what.

I had gone through enough. I had beared through enough. I was strong and endured, was resilient enough. I didn't want to be anymore. I didn't want to be told that anymore. I was done. I was tired. I was over struggling. Telling me I was strong and resilient felt like a mockery, it was no longer a compliment.

I had lost all meaning to life in 2023. I was facing the utter bottom without knowing that was what I was facing. I don't ever want to be there anymore.

I don't ever want to feel such despair and hopelessness anymore. I don't ever want to lose sight of meaning in life anymore. I don't ever want to struggle without purpose anymore. I am done with that life. I want meaning, happiness, joy, inspiration and jubilee back in my life. I want to feel exhilaration again. I want to feel exultation again. I want to feel so deeply all the good and positive emotions in the world again.

That is what 2024 will look like. I'm ready for this new life. I'm ready to be done with 2020-2023 life. This is the year for me. This is the year of alignment, ease and joys. That is my intention for 2024.

(12.30.23)

[thewhiteshadowwolf]

To be

Important

Wanted

Needed

Involved

Perfect

Loved

Just for a minute...of rest....

Its like I've been wrapped up so tightly, mummified and now im spinning and falling so fast I can't see.

Be good.

Move forward.

Into nothing....

I really just don't care what people think anymore. I cant. I've spent so much of my life worrying and trying to be perfect. Worried and scared and afraid to even exist or feel or upset.

Hate me. Be mad. I really just don't have the energy to fight others and myself.

I cant fix what people don't tell me, and I can't wait to be told until it gets too bad. I can hardly focus through the pain...

I hyperfocus on it because it's all I can fucking feel. Is bad, and sick, and nauseous, and tired, like a constant flu after a car wreck.

I'd give anything to not be this and all I've ever wanted was to be okay, unproblematic and small.

I'm so scared all the time. I never know. I can't know. I'm out of the loop and on the outside. I deserve to be. But all I can do is feel what I feel. I cant help what I dont know. And to some it may be obvious but every time I try to see the obvious I am wrong. So I stop and wait. And that's wrong too. Everything went wrong. And its infuriating.

Everyone gets to fall apart sometimes. But I lose everything for it. To have an army of people ready to accept you as you are and forgive anything you do.

And im all the more alone for it.

I don't know what I'm doing. I dont know where to go. I don't...have anyone.....and im always an outsider....

Its such....a tired.....feeling.....

I'm so tired......

Everything hurts.....

I just want to rest for minute.....

Not have to think so much, about what is right or wrong or bad to say or how someone's eyebrow movement may mean they're sad when they just have a fucking eye twitch or something.

I dont want to be here.....in this world...with this body....with this mind.....I just want to be gone...not dead...just...not here....no more effort....just for a minute.....just safe...just for a moment.....

Please ignore this...its just a rant...of feelings....no thought to them...

You can hate me.

I know what I am....

But I just needed to feel for a moment....

I think im allowed to feel..even if it doesn't make sense. Just for a moment. I think....

If not..

Then I'm sorry...

[inkydoc]

brain is mean woe is me moodboard and a bit of incoherent rambling for this fine hour of past midnight

just... ignore me please, can't go to twitter anymore for this sort of thing :"D

i'm definitely tired, yes, but like... this is more than that. yesterday i spent an hour crying over nothing and basically not being able to stop, and yea i may not know the reason so i say it was for nothing, but very probably mayhaps it wasn't.

spent last week at home on pto, supposedly resting but couldn't sleep much so that didn't work out well either. nor did the boy's visit tbh, brain decided to spend our precious little time together just obsessing over a new game that someone mentioned in passing. dunno why i got so obsessed, could say for no reason since i don't know, but very probably mayhaps it wasn't.

and i'm trying my best to function, but the pain in my lower back is worsening by the day again, after a brief time of just kinda okay if i don't move funny, and i don't know why. yes, could say for no reason, but very probably definitely isn't.

mostly i just keep myself occupied but that doesn't work that well nowadays. can't focus, can't not focus, can't rest, can't relax, can't do anything right, and definitely can't get myself together enough to at least ask for help, so i'm just crying again for no reason. except that it very much isn't.

things were going well for a bit... or... were they? to be honest i don't know. i spent last year descending into a very dark place one emotional rollercoaster a time, by december ending up barely being able to talk and completely paralised from guilt and depression, christmas crying over being a burden and not eating, my birthday trying to not cry but failing, january completely miserable, february trying to at least get ready to get up, march just bracing myself, april getting things working again at the office, may and june jus plain surviving, and july slipping back down so far i couldn't even start to look for a way out yet. you could say that around february/early march i had like two weeks where things were sort of okay, somewhat, just a bit, or at least stable.

and i don't know if i'm doing it again, dragging people down with me, refusing help offered, being a burden where i very much don't want to be one. i feel like everything is slipping through my fingers again (still... constantly...) and i just can't do anything because i'm tired. just completely exhausted. it feels like eight months passed from this year and i barely moved forward at all, or if i moved i took a wrong turn somewhere and ended up going around in circles.

it's always the same shit with me and it's fucking annoying and i can't solve it alone, but don't know how or where to look for help either. mostly i just wanna tell myself to stop being a little bitch and get yourself together, but that doesn't help, not from me, not from others. i know for a fact that i won't be able to move just because i'm told to move, that cost a lot for everyone to figure out.

but then what? how the fuck am i supposed to solve this shit when i don't even know what's wrong?

running into one bad news after another isn't helping either. hard to have hope when things are just happening so much you blink and you miss a once-in-a-lifetime event.

yay. cool. amazing. very nice. awesome.

fucking hell.

[southkoreaandjapan]

Seoul, South Korea

June 22, 2023 3:00 AM

An nyōng (hello) from Seoul. Mark and Anson - who slept much less than me on the plane are still sleeping. Anson slept ZERO minutes, to tell the truth, so he was more than ready to go to bed for the night when we arrived at our hotel at around 7:00 PM. The beds here are WAY to hard for my old bones and because of that I brought with me this little air mattress - but I was too tired to read the set up procedure and thought - I'm plenty tired and I will not be bothered - but I was wrong. I was awake every 15 minutes with shoulder and/or hip pain and cramps, so finally at 2:00 - I just got up. By my afternoon nap I will have fingered out this little air mattress - Trust me!

Here is the overview of our trip:

We had originally planned to do the pre-trip to Mongolia, but it was cancelled about a month ago. Anson discovered mid-March that his passport had expired and with such back-up and delays beging reported for passport renewal, we felt it was too risky to pick another date closer to the beginning of summer. We had no wiggle room on moving the trip further into the summer either because I am taking 2 of our grandkids on their much delayed "Washington DC trip with Damma" a week after we get back to Michigan. That trip is "supposed to be a 10-year-old event, but Sagan is now 13 and Katelyn will be almost 12. So Mongolia was out - sadly. We were all looking forward to it. We are going to Hiroshima. According to the last communication with our trip leaders, there are only 10 people on the main trip and only 3 doing the post trip. (That would be us!)

I am always interested in the flight route - so here is how we got here:

The flight was scheduled to be 15 hours long - but it was closer to 14. We did have a delay at the beginning so our arrival time was very close to the original scheduled time. I am happy to report that I did NOT experience ear pain on take off or landing - and I was freaking out about that! Thanks to all of you who gave me "tips." Incheon International Airport is lovely, clean, efficient and easy to navigate despite the fact that we know ZERO Korean words nor can read anything written in Korean. We cleared customs, turned in our form re: communicable diseases, picked up our luggage (It all arrived!) and walked to the Taxi queue. A Mini van driver loaded our luggage and about an hour later we were outside our hotel.

Incheaon and Seoul are filled with skyscrapers but mountains and water are everywhere. Remember there are a LOT of people here - 10 million just in Seoul.

This is from our "welcome letter." "Nicknamed “The Miracle on the Han” for its stunning rebirth after near destruction in the Korean War, Seoul is sure to make quite an impression at first sight. Watched over by four “guardian” mountains, the metropolis is a buzzing, fast-paced playground for its ten million residents. Awash in neon lights at night and humming with activity by day, its energetic spirit might keep you from noticing that it is also home to serene temples and hiking trails leading into the mountains." I like it!

Here are some post war pics:

The Korean War (also known by sother names was fought between North Korea and South Korea from 1950 to 1953. The war began on 25 June 1950 when North Korea invaded South Korea following clashes along the border and rebellions in the south.  North Korea was supported by China and the Soviet Union while South Korea was supported by the United States and allied countries. (Can you say "Domino?") The fighting ended with an armistice on 27 July 1953 but they are not friends. We will visit the DMZ on June 27 - a month short of the 70th anniversary of this event and I will have lots to write about that - I'm sure.

When we landed it seemed gray and foggy and of course I worried about the air quality - but it was just getting ready to rain and the air quality here is rated "Good." It was in the mid 70's and HUMID!! Mountains and water are everywhere and I'll be excited to do a little bit of exploring. Here is a pic I took out of our hotel window this AM. City living y'all.

Anson has an agenda planned for when he gets up. Mark was up for a few minutes and said he was feeling better - but if he doesn't want to participate today - no big deal!

I am going to figure out this air mattress and try for a quick nap. Breakfast is available at 7:00 - but I'm not sure when the last time we had food was - but I confess to being ready for it.

Stay tuned.