#i am just thinking about having a partner of any kind

[variousqueerthings]

something i havent seen (im sure it's out there i just havent seen it) is that while a part of louis and claudia's relationship is of course very much framed by how claudia is constantly made to be in second place to louis' romantic partners (who are also not good to her or to louis) is the way that they're family, and it's complicated, but ultimately - i think - a positive family for one another, rather than the kind of family you leave and never speak to again if you can help it (that would be lestat...)

whether louis is father/mother/uncle/brother, he's not really "friend," (and vice versa, claudia as child/niece/sister) and so there's always going to be a specific dynamic that is complicated in the way the family you grow up with is complicated, and is even more complicated because using any of those words is technically incorrect and they fully had lives before they met, but for the sake of this particular read i think this fits closest. caretaker, perhaps

the point is - and it's not something i can make particularly coherently at the moment - related to how i feel about my siblings (esp my younger siblings) vs how i feel about other people in my life. my siblings simply are, whether or not we get on all the time, whether i feel sad or not that our lives have grown apart since adulthood, whether or not other people in their and my life take precedence during particular times (which can take many different forms -- for them more romantic, for me more community related, the language for where we're going in life just looks different than it did when we were kids)

when louis lets claudia down, but at the same time promises "you and me/me and you" those two things aren't paradoxical to one another, because there is a certain "taking for granted" that can happen -- claudia is always going to be there, just like louis assumes he will also simply be there, while at the same time having that jealousy and expectation that comes with his being older than her that she'll always depend on him to an extent (and she does, but he maybe doesn't take into account how much he depends on her, because being older/feeling like he has "the responsibility" while also suffering serious mental health issues... lotta mess he puts on her shoulders, as we can see)

when claudia joins the coven that takes away louis' feeling of being of use anymore, he doesn't define himself outside of claudia ("if there was no me...") -- and also outside of lestat/his romantic relationships but that's a different post -- and claudia is moving on, but look, armand is there, claudia's got what she wants, louis got something, and they're both still there (am also reminded of how when claudia comes back in s1, it's explicitly once she sees louis sobbing over his grave when his sister declares him dead)

the idea of claudia not being there terrifies louis, he experienced that loss twice in new orleans, once when she left and didn't come back for years, and once when lestat forced her back immediately, and then again the idea of it when she joins the coven (but then he pulls himself back from the edge of letting armand kill him when he fears for her life) and then in a big way when she goes with madeleine, and he knows they're better together than he could ever be for her, but she's still his in that sibling/parent/caretaker feeling kind of way, and this is a loss even though it's important, and also, with being a vampire, she possibly could have still eventually circled back every 100 years or so -- such is the nature of family. they're still there, even if you don't see them for a very long time

and now, finally, forever. claudia is no longer there

im just. yes, louis let her down. but he let her down like you let your family down, by assuming that no matter what, they were a given. claudia can't simply... not be there anymore... she's his family. you argue and you make up and you fuck up and you forgive and you're still there, no matter how messed up you feel or how much you grow apart

she's so right in asking that question: who is louis outside of her? but not just because louis has had the worst luck in life (human and vampire) and been unable to form himself specifically because of *waves hands at everything,* but also because when you see yourself as a caretaker (whether or not you're doing a good job of it), who are you when that person wants to move on from you, doesn't need you in the way you want to be needed, when that person perhaps leaves your life for good?

[driftward]

Log Entries 59-112

Log Entry 59

The Madam Commander has a social calendar once more. This is good.

I cannot help her with that, and that is bad. I am so annoyed!

I am a fairy construct! My Scholar’s extra hand! I used to handle her appointments, set alarums, take notes, help organize her schedule, pop reminders, push updates, and otherwise free her up to do important work! We are a team, and I was her able partner, and now, and NOW, all I can do is look over her shoulder and try to nudge her hand every once in a while when she is writing!

It never works.

She complains about feeling useless, but I actually AM useless! Where is Lav? Maybe I can get her to do the work on my behalf.

She does not even have her glasses. How is she going to keep track of any of this.

Log Entry 59 Addendum

With arcanima. She will keep track with arcanima, of course, she still has her codex. I still wish I could help.

Also she still has the bad habit of setting entirely too many alarums.

Log Entry 61

Madam Archon has looked her over once more. The Chirurgeon has performed tests. The Adept has tried more hands-on techniques. There are still no answers, but they cleared the Madam Commander for more strenuous activity. The Adept has suggested perhaps they can alter their outing to try a few things out, which Madam Commander has agreed to.

I have decided to perform my own investigations. I am a Nymian Fairy construct. We are intelligent beings, and have the knowledge of an entire civilization we can call upon to aid our Scholars.

First, the data. The Madam Commander’s essence yet remains thin. I myself am more than stable. I have a surfeit of aether, but cannot seem to interact meaningfully with the material plane.

I still try to talk to her. And I can sometimes experience what she is experiencing. It is an interesting sensation. She is so large! I do not know how she is not clumsy. And heavy. And big.

Further investigation is needed, I feel.

Long Entry 68

I don’t know how I didn’t notice earlier. But I think… I think the Madam Commander is my new soul well. We are almost like unto one. Which may be why I cannot inhabit the soul armature, nor even the original Scholar stone. She is my anchor, now, and where I go when I rest.

I have always been able to feel what the Madam Commander feels. I am a construct, a familiar, based on an anima spirit. We have always had that connection. But it is changing, somehow. It’s almost like I have special insight now. More than just an impression of her thoughts. More frequently, I can experience her senses.

We are almost like unto one. I … don’t know what this means. For either of us.

Log Entry 72

A ‘spa day’ with the Adept. It was nice! She was nice. The Madam Commander always is brighter, lighter around the Adept. And I got to share those experiences. The smells were so wonderful! And the varieties of soaps. The Adept has long left little care baskets for the Madam Commander, but she went above and beyond today. People who painted, and made her nails and face colorful in new and interesting ways. People who touched, and where they touched, muscles relaxed. Warm baths. Contrasts! A room so hot I was concerned it may be too much, a pool actually at zero celtius.

It was nice. And the Adept gave so much of her attention and time and care. I knew Adepts could be kind people, often helpful to a fault, but the way she paid attention, helped the Madam Commander relax, listened to her babble and smiled and laughed, it was a genuine brightness to the day.

I like her. The Madam Commander likes her as well. Though, weirdly, she also gets a little nervous around her. Increased heart rate, body temperature, tenseness. But it faded as the day went on.

Oh and the smells of being in this city. The patterns of the colors forming a harmonious whole. I am getting increasingly used to being part of the Madam Commander, and if there was a good day for us to integrate more, this was it.

Mind, I have no idea how to do that, but it felt like a good day for it.

Log Entry 75

Alright, we’re starting to get back into it. Picked up a few leves. People are being delicate but encouraging about this, I’ve noticed. The Madam Commander is never allowed alone, which is great. Perfect, actually. A Scholar is at their best when they have people on the field with them. The Leftenent, in particular, is really showing up now.

Log Entry 78

I continue my experimentation, with the Madam Commander’s senses and physical being. With some focus, I think I can bring her closer to me, but this is not useful. I tried to direct her hand to pick up a tea cup today, and instead of picking it up, I think her hand went straight through it.

We both found ourselves looking oddly at our hand. What was that? This warrants further investigation.

Log entry 84

I think I understand. It is difficult to control, but I can, in fact, bring parts of the Madam Commander to me, though I cannot quite get to her. When I do, it is as though neither of us are there for a brief moment.

I do not know what to do with this. I am not sure I trust myself, or her, enough to try to do something useful, like, say, walk through a solid object.

I should let it go. She has expressed concerns about being increasingly clumsy to the Chirurgeon. He almost took her off duty, which neither of us want.

She likes him. I know she is courting him. But there is also a distance there, and some sort of light confusion. I usually stay out of her relationships. I guess I am staying out of this one too, due to my situation.

I hope she figures this one out or something.

Log Entry 102

The Madam Commander is visiting a place known as Aloalo Island and we are doing research into arcanima and I refuse to finish this log entry I would like to note I have been very patiently making my observations and waiting for something to change for some time now but this is not what I am for I am supposed to be DOING THINGS

WE ARE VISITING THE HOME OF A PRECURSOR CIVILISATION TO ARCANIMA AND I AM USELESS

I VERY MUCH AM TIRED OF THIS AND WANT TO DO SOMETHING.

Log Entry 102 Addendum

I did not mean to put our foot through the dock and send us into the water. But, uh, I can shift parts of her even if I do not intend to, so… that is good to know, I guess?

Almost lost the codex on this one. I must be more careful.

Log Entry 107

New armaments. Replacement chakrams. The Savant thinks she is ready for more strenuous training. And something else as well. A gunblade. An ingenious device, it is a sword with energy capacitance reservoirs that can be triggered by a clever fuse mechanism. The charges can be varied to have different effects. Many of hers have ceruleum - apparently those are easy to find - and others have aether with arcanima or spellworks from other disciplines.

The Madam Archon and the Scout came by to help her with it. The Marine was present as well. Some of the Crystalficer’s work was referred to to help make components for the gunblade, as well as some of its charges. That she has been gone so long is now starting to be worrisome to the Madam Commander.

As is the absence of the Assistant, which I had wondered at myself, but the Madam Archon suggested that he was fine. I’m not sure I agree. The Assistant, as I recall, seemed to need to be regularly rescued or retrieved from some trouble or another. Good at artifact identification and proofing! Lousy at adventuring! That is why the Madam Archon worries after him.

Hmph. I’d tell her to go look for him anyroad, if I could.

Log Entry 107 addendum

After they were done in the workshop the Madam Commander and the Madam Archon went for a walk and I just can NOT with them anymore oh just DROWN me in the depths of the Azure they are so STUPID for one another!

As though it could not be more obvious!

I know, I know, I’m biased since they both made me and I’m connected to them both so of course I think they are both connected to each other but even though I am a FAMILIAR, I am just a construct, I can TELL. How can anyone not tell!? The feelings! THE DEPTHS OF THESE FEELINGS my thread always gets SATURATED when the Madam Commander lets herself ACTUALLY FEEL THINGS and I want it on the record that THESE FEELINGS ARE TOO MUCH I am going to die my essence is going to get blown out like a tiny mote of fire in front of the gale of THESE LOOKS THEY GIVE ONE ANOTHER and CAN YOU NOT SEE WHAT I SEE MADAM COMMANDER LOOK AT HER SHE IS PRACTICALLY GLOWING THE LIGHT OF THE AZURE IS SHINING AND ALL THE LIGHTS ARE ON HER PLEASE JUST DO SOMETHING.

this is not my place this is not my place fairies do not interfere with relationships were are assistants we plan meetings and execute strategies and keep our Scholars safe and we heal them and we heal their charges and none of this is my problem and why can nothing be simple or easy around here

Log 107 addendum addendum

OH I THINK SHE FINALLY NOTICED ALL HAIL

Log 107 addendum addendum addendum

Oh shit the Chrirugeon please do not think about the Chirurgeon no no no no no I can feel that guilt welling up shit okay alright I can get you through this I have a strategy for the Chirurgeon it will be alright.

I do not have a strategy for the Chirurgeon

I am suddenly extremely grateful I cannot get involved in any of this shit.

Alright. I trust the Madam Commander. She will handle this with poise, grace, and her usual excellence.

~*~

Mathye was in the company library, gathering the research materials he wanted to prepare for Gage’s next big idea of trying to expand company operations to new continents. Now that things had calmed down at home, it was time to explore, but before anyone could go anywhere, Mathye was going to personally see to it they were all medically prepared.

That meant workups for vaccines, and that meant research into diseases.

He grumbled, picking up another book to consider. He was going to be busy for a while. He heard the door to the library open, but paid it little mind.

“Mathye! What brings you here?”

He snapped his gaze over at the newcomer, taking a step back.

“Oh - Zoi!” he said.

“I, ah, I did not expect to see you down here,” Zoissette said, stammering as she spoke. “Up here? Over here. Right.”

Mathye felt more than a bit sheepish. He’d been so wrapped up in his work that he had not been checking in on Zoissette, not as a patient, but as a girlfriend.

He set his book down on the already considerable pile. Fully reviewing it could wait until later. "I saw on the roster you took on more missions. Are you feeling stronger, then?" he asked.

Zoissette’s face seemed unable to decide what to settle on. He ignored that. She’d been through a lot.

"Uhm. Yes. Probably. No, wait. Sorry. Yes. Nothing too strenuous I assure you, and never alone,” said Zoissette.

He smiled. "That's good.  And…" he rubbed the back of his neck. "Thanks for the legal paperwork getting me out. Though I just found out I'm stuck with community service."

“Of course. Literally the least I could do. Actually literally. It - well, I would rather handle that than the new counsel. At least for a little while longer. As for the community service, well, you -did- sedate a scientist, Mathye.”

"She was practically manic!" he protested. "I did a public service!"

"The public,” said Zoissette, her tone dry as Thanalan,  “apparently disagreed. Maybe ask next time."

"I couldn't help myself. It was instinct. Do you know how many morons I've had to send off to dreamland because they were just one egg away from completely cracking?"

"Dragoons are -different-, Mathye!"

"I've done it to Riven and the others too!"

"People you know are dif- wait. Lady Fortemps?"

"She's a Limsan arcanist.  Do you know how many of that lot like to test how long they can stay awake for and not eat while they're researching? I had to jump to Radz-at-Han the other day and drag her away from that bloody island they're all losing their minds over,” he continued, rapidly letting his frustrations at his friends out. "And no, I do not hit her upside the head. The Sleep spell does that for me. All bets are off on the others though."

He noticed a flicker of guilt cross her face at the mention of arcanists and their habits, and he stopped ranting long enough to take an inhale, go over, and give her a gentle peck on the cheek.

"However,” he said, somewhat calmer, “I will apologize - I've been an ass and not asked you to do anything."

Zoissette was mumbling to herself. “I mean, to be fair, someone trained in the Nymian arts should know the Expedient-class of stimulants…. oh!" she said, surprised at the peck.

Mathye looked over at his books, then back to Zoissette. "Do you want to get a late supper somewhere?  Everyone's busy so we wouldn't have eavesdroppers."

She seemed to be lost again, her eyebrows knitting themselves as she leaned close, her eyes studying his face intently, and nodding to herself. Mathye tilted his head at her.

“Is everything alright?”

“I have no idea!” she said cheerfully.

Even for her, that was unusual. Mathye found himself blinking at her, feeling a bit confused. “You… have no idea?”

Zoissette shook her head. "Sorry. That was - I have been doing that a lot lately. Just - uhm. What would you say…? Right. Not thinking before I speak. Dinner, you said?"

He nodded at her a bit. “Aye, dinner. “Maybe…” he could feel a tension in his gut, threatening to pull his courage down before he could fully muster it. He fought past it, reaching out to take one of Zoissette’s hands and holding it gently between his own. “Could catch a late theater showing somewhere…”

She was still looking at him, quizzically. Or perhaps thoughtfully. She closed one eye, and he watched as the other danced the direction of its gaze around the room. And then she reached out towards his face.

“Do you mind?” she asked.

He let go of her hand in surprise.

“Sorry. If that was too forward, slap me,” he replied.

Zoissette took a step back. “What? No! I am asking if I am being too forward. I - I do not slap people, Mathye!”

A thoughtful look crossed her face. “I mean, unless you wanted me to.”

He shook his head. This conversation was getting increasingly perplexing. “You’re not being forward. If anything - you seem nervous. Do you just want to eat in? I can get takeout.”

“Takeout might be nice. Am I nervous?”

“I have never seen one eyeball dance around the room while the other eye’s shut.”

At that, she closed the other eye, and he watched as she repeated her performance from earlier, just with the opposite eyes.

“Oh. Maybe I am nervous,” she said.

Now Mathye was concerned.

"…What's wrong?” he asked. “Did something happen today? Or on a mission?"

She shook her head again. "No, nothing like that. I just - here. I want to try something."

He blinked at her. “Okay.”

"Just  - pull back if this is too much - or slap me, I guess, if that is where we are at. Okay? You ready?"

Mathye took a deep breath in, having no idea what she could possibly have in mind. But, well.

“Ready,” he said.

Zoissette’s hands were mere ilms from his face. He watched as she balled them up into fists, biting her lower lip, and glancing off to either side. He tensed, wondering if this was how he was going to get punched. But then, slowly, carefully, as though he was made of delicate glass, she took his face into her hands, warm fingers just gently touching his skin. And then she leaned in, and gave him a kiss. It was as pleasant as it was unexpected, her lips pressing in, a deeper kiss than he could have possibly guessed at.

He startled, but did not pull away, and instead fought to remain steady. It took long seconds for him to respond as his brain caught up to the current reality, but he did respond, returning the kiss as sweetly as he knew how. He was rusty at this sort of thing, but despite that, he put his feeling into it, even as he kept his hands to himself. A true gentleman for a true lady.

They stayed there for some time, before Zoissette pulled back, keeping his face held gently in her hands. She was doing that thing again with her eyes, gaze darting all over as she seemed to be trying to memorize every little detail of his face, a frown creasing her forehead.

Mathye just blinked at her, unsure of where to take things next.

Her frown deepened, and she seemed to perhaps be searching for something. And not finding it.

Mathye contented himself with just watching and waiting.

Finally, however, she let go of his face. As she did so, she looked up to the ceiling, and made a frustrated noise.

He felt tension rising up within him. “What’s wrong?”

"Me, as usual,” she said. “Halone, I hope you are not watching just now."

He looked at her quizzically as she continued, her face shifting rapidly through expressions as she fretted her hands.

"I do not know how to explain. Or maybe I do and I do not want to. There was… nothing there. It was warm. You are nice. There is supposed to be - what? Sparks and flash, levin and flesh and warmth and - “

Mathye reached out and took her hands in his again. “Zoissette."  He said, gently, but firmly.

Zoissette made a frustrated noise, but she looked at him again. Her facial expressions calmed down, seeming to settle into something that may have been a smile if it had stopped at some point. Instead she overshot into some kind of pained rictus expression, teeth all exposed and eyes too wide to be comfortable.

He was going to try to say something comforting, but “what the fuck” is what came out instead at that particular display.

Her face fell, and she began to fret her hands around his. He tried to recover.

“Zoi? What is it?” he said, pulling his hands free and lifting one to her cheek.

She stilled. And when she spoke next, her voice was quiet, and he had to strain to hear.

"I think I -want- to love you,” she said. “I think I -might- love someone else.”

He felt his heart plummet, and his mind scattered as his stomach grew cold.

“I think I have no idea what love actually is though,” she said. “And I think I am somewhat past pattern at trying and failing at it. And - and I want to say you deserve better.“

There was a heat building in her voice. Anger. She seemed to be talking to herself, but Mathye was not sure he was still listening, not really. He suddenly felt distant. Away. “But that makes it seem like it is your fault. The fault is mine. I know not where. I think I wanted our relationship to work. Love grows where the work happens, right? So why is it not working."

He blinked. He blinked, again. Trying to get some kind of bearing on the situation.

“Wait. What?” he said, just barely controlling his voice.

“I am not making sense, am I?” said Zoissette. “I can tell.”

He swallowed down his feelings. Just for a moment. He needed to make sure he was certain of this moment. "You said you might… love someone else."

She tilted her head at him, and looked upwards again, frowning, thinking.

"Yes? Maybe?” she said. “I… think so? Fury forfend, it has never -happened- before."

He felt his whole world go still, and he fell quiet. From a million malms away, he could hear her voice.

"…you still want to get takeout?" she was asking.

He inhaled. Just a little bit of life. Just enough to get him through the next minute or so. He shook his head at her, gently taking her hands.

“No takeout,” he said. “Don’t worry about me… or us, anymore. This other person. Do they make you happy?”

Just the next minute or so.

And then, truth. He could see it, plain on her face. A small, little smile dancing across it before she had time to shake her head and take a palm to wipe it away, shaking it off, but it was there.

"Yes, but that hardly seems relevant,” she said. “No, what am I saying, that is very relevant. No, what am I - how do you people DO this."

He had to let go. Or else he was going to drag them both down. He had to let go.

"It's fine, Zoissette.  You don't have to see me anymore,” he said.

Zoissette pouted. A pitiable display. If only…

His voice was quiet. Too quiet, as he put a smile on his face. "Go be happy with that other person."

He had to let go. And so, squeezing her hands one last time, he did, releasing her hands even as he released his heart. He looked at her face just long enough to see her studying him again, perplexed.

Well, that was no problem of his anymore. He turned, going back to his book pile. He would need to take them with him.

"…I do not know if the feeling is reciprocated,” she said from behind him.

"Haven't you spent enough of your life forcing yourself to do things?" he said. Keeping his voice quiet kept any venom out of it, kept it from being a jab. He would be kind, at this juncture. It was all he had for her now. “I would suggest you go and find out.”

He put some few books back.

“…Mathye?”

He did not turn. “Yes?”

"…you deserve the world. I wish I - I wish I might have been the one to give it to you. I … am going to link Riven and ask her to bring you some food."

The rest of the books would come with him, then. “No need to do that. I'm leaving,” he said, still quiet, still small. "There's some more research I need to pick up by the Conjurer's Guild."

"Well… if you say so,” she said. Her voice was no louder than his.  “… good night, Mathye."

Mathye swept a hand up to put his bangs in his face. There was no need for her to see him. He was not certain he could face her.

“Good night, Zoissette,” he said, taking his books and sweeping past her, out of the library, and into the rest of his life. As he left, he felt himself turn to ice inside.

~*~

Log Entry 112

Oh. Oh, Madam Commander, no.

[dekarios]

tagged by @arisatominakos to do this lil poll...!!

pick your favourite ship featuring at least one oc of mine :3 i am literally only including my two primary afhiri ships because i think this is a fucking war because i have friends who rlly don't like one and adore the other and theres some clear bias shit going on so I WILL MAKE THEM FIGHT. under the read more is some info about both ships and the characters :) candor is ofc another oc of mine and gale is. mr dekarios

i will not be tagging anyone because this kind of embarrasses me.... LDKSJFSDF wait i lie i tag @aeducanthaig @roseeway i know who null will vote for actually... IF YOU WANNA DO THIS CONSIDER URSELF TAGGED PLEASE!!!!! this is such a good idea i'm just a twit

afhiri is my sweet lil bardic clown tiefling that i feel like everyone who follows me knows intimately by now SL;DFKSDF ... if you don't know much about afhiri.... afhiri is very silly and very sweet, uneducated and purposefully pretends to be much more immature and childish than they actually are because they are quite literally trying to relive their childhood that was stolen from them! they don't like responsibility or emotional conflict! they do like to sing and dance and have fun :3

candor is a solar angel who acts as a steward and avatar for lathander and is very calm and collected .. stern, sotic, quite dry and humourless.... is undergoing a self imposed exile because it feels like it failed lathander (it literally didnt). believes wholly in honour and duty and justice, is absolutely full to the brime with affection and love and shows it wholly through loyal devotion and service .

candor finds afhiri during the exile and decides to protect her from herself (and her wild magic) . candor fully believes they are soulmates and when candor was created at the beginning of the universe it was created with a missing piece, and that afhiri is that piece ..... also candor is 10ft tall and afhiri is 5ft tall so like. :) they are extremely gentle and sweet together. afhiri is not a calm person at all and is quite against anything that tries to get her to be srs at any amounts cuz it frightens them. but candor is different. candor threatens everything afhiri is trying to build (running away from themselves and what they were forced to become for their family) but afhiri doesn't run from candor.... it is security, it is safety. it is ok to be their entire self around candor. candor leaves at the end of the game feeling worthy of returning to lathanders side, and promises afhiri that when she dies, it will guide her through the upper planes and they will spend eternity together

afhiri x gale is super funny to me i rewrote canon a bit with it so picture this . wyll and karlach are partners in my canon, and afhiri is acting as a sort of replacement for karlach in intimacy between the couple . gale sees this as afhiri being a third partner in the relationship and grows jealous because he likes afhiri and believes he could be better for her so the act 2 scene is him confessing his feelings and asking for her to give him a chance because he knows they'll create beautiful magic together.. and afhiri laughs in his face cuz she's just fwb with them man. god gale ur so silly. i like silly. mwah mwah anyway that's how that relationship starts. i like afhiri x gale because to me its about keeping gale young... she is fun and full of energy and life and gale has kept himself locked away for a year to wither and wilt and afhiri is a burning sun who makes him feel alive ... this relationship ends up quite toxic however, a certain event happens that causes gale to kill afhiri (and candor gets involved its a whole drama) and gale feels so much guilt and fear at the realisation of death separating them that they have limited time hes back on his god bullshit ^_^ though it's not all bad. in my canon afhiri and gale ascend together and candor and afhiri are reunited in the upper planes but its a bit different :) (candor isnt happy, but devoted itself to afhiri instead of lathander all the same) .

as u can see afhiri x candor and afhiri x gale has quite a lot of overlapping and theres some poly stuff going on here i could talk about it forever.....

[rad-rat-boy]

Anyway i guess im just going to like rant here cause like yeah ive got friends but im not in the mood for talking. Just getting this out there?

Anyway

I dont exactly know how to feel about things you know. Like she definitely knows i like her. Her girlfriend does now too. And i think shes jealous of that? Cause shes suddenly acting weird about me

Which like sure whatever youre chill to do that. But like?? I have barely made a move on her. Shes pretty. Ive stared. I was all over her while drunk. But that was ages ago and im not exactly competition. Idk. I also just said i think shes pretty. Barely anything. And like idk idk you know? Idk

Its just a lot. I just have thoughts. Also like it could be that im like out and confudent? In that? Idk. Like is that what shes annoyed about? Cause im not even joking when i say i will gladly offee sex to anyone who is mildly queer presenting. Its not something special

[lycanr0t]

the thing about aplatonicism is that just like aromanticism and asexualism, it doesn't inherently mean you don't want friendships, every individual apl person has different needs and wants in regards to friendship and each person will go about it differently.

I for example am aplatonic and don't specifically feel platonic attraction as in, i don't feel a drive to befriend people. I don't get "friend crushes" or ever get the desire to befriend specific people. I am personally, very open to the possibility of friendship if someone else approaches me and we vibe. I am not platonically attracted to them, but I also do get enjoyment from socializing with others in that way and can become attached to them, etc. Platonic attraction does not equal caring about someone/being good to them. Attraction is not moral in that way. it just is.

Just like how some ace people still enjoy sex, even without sexual attraction. Some aplatonic people still enjoy friendship, and some don't. And that's okay! There are so many types of relationships out there that people can form and explore what makes them happiest and it looks different for every person and that's such a wonderful thing.

[lucky-clover-gazette]

i removed the "could be platonic or romantic" tag from the adaptation fic bc these bitches are gay as hell and it's way too interesting a dynamic to ignore

[meme-loving-stuck]

i remember being brought up christian like, almost concerned that i never felt a connection to any of the shit they were talkin about,

and when i was younger i was like "oh no! am i bad for not feeling connected to god?? is it bad i feel like my dead mom doesnt talk to me or watch over me?? am i horrible for pretending?????"

but turns out i just had Autism Powers that made me immune to it and i was able to completely sever myself from the idea of being Christian at the ripe old age of like 13. and it was such a HUGE comfort to see that there were all these other beliefs and spiritual sort of things that other people chose to believe in and didnt necessarily treat their beliefs as COLD HARD UNDENIABLE FACT the way christians treat the existence of god & heaven & hell

like now that i am older i know i was in fact traumatized by the culturally catholic beliefs my family held & forced on us all, but i am really immensely grateful that my child self looked at all the other aspects of christianity that would horrify most other children into behaving/conforming, and basically just went, "okay, source?"

and that was the end of that

[honeysuckledreams]

Also since I am being too personal and there is a slim chance one or two members from that old college friend group might see this, in bombshell news Ren and I are no longer friends, and Ren and Fed (now Fae) are divorced. Ren and I ended late December 2022, so it's been 1.5 years and I am finally, finally starting to feel better.

In my version, I couldn't emotionally support Ren through their divorce anymore, and I needed a break from talking about it literally 4x a week. They found out I talked to Fae about the divorce after I set that boundary with them (because that was the third time Fae ever asked for insight about the divorce, and it was still almost too much) and Ren ghosted me! My best friend of seven years ghosted me because I set a boundary and wasn't capable of emotionally supporting them anymore. We literally talked every single day for our whole friendship before that point.

After 2 months of occasionally reaching out to them and getting radio silence, I ended our friendship. The ending was mutual in the last conversation we had.

[pepprs]

i will shut up abt this i promise but like. the concept of being in a stable safe mutually loving whatever relationship is INSANE . like how can you ever feel bad about yourself or wounded or whatever again. it’s like a superpower or somethi ng. <- doesn’t know what she’s taking abt bc she’s never experienced it or the absence of it after having it merely the negative space of it and is filling in the gaps w logic or something. but it’s INSANE to me. like of course i feel like shit about myself i am catcrumb unloved.jpg!

[conjectureand-gloom]

slowly realising that i genuinely don’t have any super close friends any more

[giantkillerjack]

Today my partner and I discussed getting matching shirts that say "the hot bitch I pulled by being autistic" and each shirt has an arrow that points to the other person.

[elytrafemme]

i have a really weird relationship with relationships too, huh. i guess if we’re gonna just talk about shit tonight. like not even that i’m a bad person to be in love with, though i guess that too, but like. in the past i have a history of being really self destructive in relationships, and also (albeit to give myself credit, this would be more reactionary to a feeling of entrapment rather than just straight up) pretty unstable around my partners. which is maybe weird to admit but i feel like relationships are such a core part of my life since i have had like. so many issues with them and related subjects since a really young age. 

but also like, more recently it’s less destructive behaviors because i am actively trying not to do that shit again. but more like. i get really insecure about things when i think about the person i’m in love with, which is odd because i’m not a very insecure person at all. one of my biggest annoyances actually is when people assume i hate myself more than i do, because if i ever do hate myself it’s a very strange fluke of a day and in general i love myself debatably to an unhealthy degree. like my friend the other day said that my ego was too low and i was too shocked to even laugh because she was like so deeply off about that. it really bothers me.

anyway. being in love makes me insecure and has historically made me do weird things. which would be fine if i wasn’t such a fucking hopeless romantic.

[birdmenmanga]

don't know if I"m doing better per se. but it's a new day. I have dance tonight and I've never wanted to go less, etc. etc. etc. time to uhhhh hmm draw yeah that's all I can do

[astronomy-two-worlds-apart]

god im having such a crisis rn and my stomach is all weird and i just feel so terrible bc ever since two nights ago there’s been a super persistent thought in my head and i’m just. i don’t know.

[insanechayne]

~ ~ ~

[sttoru]

𝐆𝐎𝐎𝐃 𝐎𝐋𝐃-𝐅𝐀𝐒𝐇𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐄𝐃 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐑 𝐁𝐎𝐘 !

⟣ sypnosis. you were curious if your boyfriend would pass a ‘loyalty test’ that you’ve seen on social media and you decide to see for yourself, only to discover something much more . . . heartwarming.

⟣ tags. gojo satoru x female reader. mostly tooth rotting fluff. talks about cheating / a sprinkle of trust issues from reader. the rest is satoru just being lovesick.

⟣ note. uhhhh… idk just a random idea i got at three am on a saturday night after being woken up from a nightmare >_< enjoy .

you don’t think satoru would actually ever cheat on you. your curiosity just got the best of you when you saw that one girl do a ‘loyalty test’ on her boyfriend. it was quite simple—testing if your partner would hand you their phone without being suspiciously defensive.

therefore you walked into satoru’s room and spotted him laying on his side, his back facing the door. he didn’t have any earphones in so you could hear the sounds of a movie playing on the phone he held in his hands.

he seemed so peaceful and content that you were already feeling bad for disturbing him with your silly test. you moved to sit on the edge of the bed and cleared your throat, making your presence known as if the sorcerer hadn’t sensed it moments ago.

“are you cheating on me?”

blunt and straight to the point.

satoru pauses the show on his phone and looks at you like you had said the most outrageous thing there is (to him, you really did). he drops the device on the bed and turns his body to face yours; “well—hello to you too, baby.”

he runs a hand through his hair before sitting up against the headboard with a raised brow, one hand cautiously reaching out for you. satoru was thinking about all the things he has said or done previously that could’ve possibly make you think he was screwing around behind your back. his mind worked fast, though he couldn’t come up with any logical explanation.

“answer my question please, ‘toru.” you mumble, feeling slightly guilty for doing this to your lover. you could see the confusion plastered on his face.

“no, i am not.” satoru shakes his head whilst holding your hand in his, thumb brushing against the back of it, “what makes you think that?”

you weren’t about to say ‘oh nevermind then! just a dumb thing that i saw on tiktok’—no, there was still one thing left to do. even if you’re so super sure that your boyfriend was hiding nothing from you. maybe there was an one in a million chance that your intuition was wrong. or maybe it’s just your underlying trust issues speaking.

“uhh, just wanted.. to check.. i guess?” you clear your throat and take a deep inhale before putting your hand out to satoru, palm up.

the white-haired sorcerer looks from your hand to you, and back. he doesn’t know what that indicated, so he takes a simple guess; satoru places his chin on your palm, giving you an amused kind of grin. you raise an eyebrow as he rests his head on your hand—which wasn’t what you wanted to gain from your gesture.

but you couldn’t blame him. it was cute that that was the first thing he thought of doing.

“you’re always welcome to check. got nothin’ to hide anyway.” he shrugs, not offended by your accusation in the slightest. you see the way his blue eyes look up at you—in a way that shows his pure, unadulterated adoration for you.

you nod and scratch satoru under his chin, to which he smiles and closes his eyes, enjoying the tingling touch, “then can i .. look through your phone?”

without an ounce of hesitation, he had placed his phone unlocked in your hand. satoru doesn’t care much about privacy anyway—you’re his girlfriend, you’re the only one allowed to know every single thing about him, “of course, baby.”

your eyes land on the screen and your jaw drops as you see his home screen; a picture of you up close, sleeping with your cheek squished against his arm, own hands resting near your head and . . . is that drool trickling down your chin?

“oops, sorry, you were too cute not to take a picture of.” satoru chuckles as he sees your reaction. he lays back on his side, elbow propped on the pillow with his head resting against his hand—watching you go through his phone with a relaxed look.

you roll your eyes playfully before starting your search. your finger swiped across the screen and landed on the messenger app satoru uses. you click on it and scroll through his chats, but don’t find anything out of the ordinary. he recently talked to you, his first year students, nanami and shoko.

you curiously tap on his chat with shoko and don’t read anything interesting at first glance. you scroll up and take note of how satoru was the one who kept most of the conversation going. shoko’s replies were much shorter and curt—straight to the point.

but then your eyes land on a conversation from two weeks ago. satoru had showed shoko a bunch of selfies you had sent him that same day. he was telling her how ‘cute’ and ‘pretty’ you were, practically bragging about you being his girl.

you scroll up some more and see that he’s done the same many times before; sending shoko pictures of you and kind of rambling to her about how beautiful you are.

shoko—being the good friend she is—indulged into his little lovesick ramblings and agreed with every thing satoru said—even complimenting your looks herself. you begun to get embarrassed at this unexpected revelation.

when going through more of his chats with other people, you realise how much satoru loves to talk about you. you couldn’t possibly count the many times satoru had refused invitations from his students or other friends simply because he wanted to hang out with you instead.

you discovered that he even skipped two or three important meetings at the school to go spend the day with you—nanami scolding him via text each time he did so.

“damn..” you murmur and glance up at your lover after closing his messaging app. satoru was staring right back at you with the biggest grin you’ve ever seen on him.

he wasn’t embarrassed about you reading some of those cheesy and sappy texts at all. in fact, he was happy. he wants you to know how much he loves you (as if he doesn’t show you exactly that every day of the week).

“go on, sweets.” satoru nods towards his phone, encouraging you to continue your inspection. your eyes dart back towards the screen and you shyly swipe and scroll some more, eventually ending up in his gallery.

the first things you noticed: two albums dedicated to you. all were filled with hundreds of pictures of you (and him). one was named ‘my love,’ the other ‘me&my love’ — both with a heart at the end. scrolling through them, you noticed many images you hadn’t even realised were ever taken.

many of those pictures were also favourited in his gallery.

you nibble on your bottom lip and leave the gallery app even more flustered than before. you aimlessly click around some more on his phone. what really surprised you most was that you were named in his reminder app.

there were tons—all added in one long list. some were so pure that you couldn’t contain the slight tears in your eyes;

‘bring gf gifts’, ‘remind gf that she’s amazing’, ‘bring gf lunch’, ‘send gf daily selfie’, ‘daily cuddles w gf (if she wants)’, ‘give gf big smooch (important!)’, ‘check up on gf when away on business’, — satoru doesn’t actually need to have those reminders on his phone. his mind is so full of you that he’ll automatically remember to do everything, almost on autopilot. he just has those there for… well, just in case he somehow ends up forgetting.

you lock his phone after seeing enough and give it back to your lover. you wordlessly crawl over to him on the bed and snuggle up to his body, head resting on his chest.

“sorry.” you quietly apologise. you knew he wasn’t hiding anything, but the fact that you still went ahead and tried out that ‘loyalty test’ on someone as loyal and loving as satoru makes your heart ache a bit. especially after discovering just how smitten he’s with you.

“dunno why you’re apologising—but please don’t.” satoru whispers and rubs your back in a soothing manner, kissing the top of your head and smiling against your scalp afterwards, “it’s fiiine.”

he’s entertained by the reactions to your discoveries, even if those are but mere indications to the actual unending and undying love he holds for you in his heart.

you lift your head up and look at satoru. your bottom lip stuck out, corners of your mouth twitching slightly whilst your eyes started to get a bit glassy. you really felt bad—yet you also felt appreciated on the other hand. if you didn’t go through with your curious idea, you wouldn’t have gotten to know about any of this.

“aww, my sweet, sweet girl.” satoru coos and places two kisses right below each eye, tapping your nose with a grin. he adores the way you look and if it wasn’t for his self control, he’d have nibbled on those cheeks of yours out of playful aggression.

it’s then that satoru remembers one of his daily tasks; one he hadn’t properly done today.

you were caught off guard once more as satoru’s lips crashed down onto yours—no warning given whatsoever. his big hands held onto your cheeks, thumb rubbing the skin there whilst his glossy lips moved against yours in a gentle yet much sloppy way.

“there,” the white-haired man hums in content as he pulls away, giggling once he sees a bit of his saliva coat your mouth. he wipes it away with his thumb, “your smooch of the day.”

you couldn’t help but laugh at the exaggerated cringy way satoru said the latter—your boyfriend laughing right alongside you afterwards.

satoru wasn’t done with you, however. he had many other daily tasks that were yet to be fulfilled.