#louis resonates for me specifically as an older sibling with mental health issues what can i say

[variousqueerthings]

something i havent seen (im sure it's out there i just havent seen it) is that while a part of louis and claudia's relationship is of course very much framed by how claudia is constantly made to be in second place to louis' romantic partners (who are also not good to her or to louis) is the way that they're family, and it's complicated, but ultimately - i think - a positive family for one another, rather than the kind of family you leave and never speak to again if you can help it (that would be lestat...)

whether louis is father/mother/uncle/brother, he's not really "friend," (and vice versa, claudia as child/niece/sister) and so there's always going to be a specific dynamic that is complicated in the way the family you grow up with is complicated, and is even more complicated because using any of those words is technically incorrect and they fully had lives before they met, but for the sake of this particular read i think this fits closest. caretaker, perhaps

the point is - and it's not something i can make particularly coherently at the moment - related to how i feel about my siblings (esp my younger siblings) vs how i feel about other people in my life. my siblings simply are, whether or not we get on all the time, whether i feel sad or not that our lives have grown apart since adulthood, whether or not other people in their and my life take precedence during particular times (which can take many different forms -- for them more romantic, for me more community related, the language for where we're going in life just looks different than it did when we were kids)

when louis lets claudia down, but at the same time promises "you and me/me and you" those two things aren't paradoxical to one another, because there is a certain "taking for granted" that can happen -- claudia is always going to be there, just like louis assumes he will also simply be there, while at the same time having that jealousy and expectation that comes with his being older than her that she'll always depend on him to an extent (and she does, but he maybe doesn't take into account how much he depends on her, because being older/feeling like he has "the responsibility" while also suffering serious mental health issues... lotta mess he puts on her shoulders, as we can see)

when claudia joins the coven that takes away louis' feeling of being of use anymore, he doesn't define himself outside of claudia ("if there was no me...") -- and also outside of lestat/his romantic relationships but that's a different post -- and claudia is moving on, but look, armand is there, claudia's got what she wants, louis got something, and they're both still there (am also reminded of how when claudia comes back in s1, it's explicitly once she sees louis sobbing over his grave when his sister declares him dead)

the idea of claudia not being there terrifies louis, he experienced that loss twice in new orleans, once when she left and didn't come back for years, and once when lestat forced her back immediately, and then again the idea of it when she joins the coven (but then he pulls himself back from the edge of letting armand kill him when he fears for her life) and then in a big way when she goes with madeleine, and he knows they're better together than he could ever be for her, but she's still his in that sibling/parent/caretaker feeling kind of way, and this is a loss even though it's important, and also, with being a vampire, she possibly could have still eventually circled back every 100 years or so -- such is the nature of family. they're still there, even if you don't see them for a very long time

and now, finally, forever. claudia is no longer there

im just. yes, louis let her down. but he let her down like you let your family down, by assuming that no matter what, they were a given. claudia can't simply... not be there anymore... she's his family. you argue and you make up and you fuck up and you forgive and you're still there, no matter how messed up you feel or how much you grow apart

she's so right in asking that question: who is louis outside of her? but not just because louis has had the worst luck in life (human and vampire) and been unable to form himself specifically because of *waves hands at everything,* but also because when you see yourself as a caretaker (whether or not you're doing a good job of it), who are you when that person wants to move on from you, doesn't need you in the way you want to be needed, when that person perhaps leaves your life for good?