#i am just feeling emotional about everything apparently
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I need to be salty for a hot second about people who are upset about aspects of Lucanis' romance.
I'll put everything else under the break for spoilers, but in general, I am so disappointed in a large portion of this fanbase who apparently thought "disaster" meant "romantasy," but also it's in keeping with how a lot of people seem unable to put things in context.
One of the complaints I keep seeing run past is that the scene where you commit to a relationship with Lucanis seems pefunctory, or out of the blue, there's nothing really romantic about it, it's too similar to the platonic route, etc, etc, ETC.
I romanced Emmrich, but I've seen other people's versions of romancing Lucanis. I'm just going to kind of word vomit here, and hope I can come up with something cohesive.
As someone who id's with Lucanis for "generational abuse" and "dumpster fire disaster bi" and "using socially acceptable drugs as coping mechanisms in place of addressing your problems" reasons, it's been really fucking annoying watching the almost deliberate misinterpretation of his character even after Mary Kirby dropped several explanations on social media. It's like a large part of the fanbase saw all that and turned into the "yes yes, very sad...anyway!" meme and went right on fetishizing him...then got mad when he didn't turn into the seductive Dom with wings they were hoping for.
You commit to Lucanis after (what I consider) a very intense scene inside his "mind prison." He's struggling so much internally that Spite wrests control of his body from him in front of witnesses and begs Rook to help them. Lucanis would never ask Rook to do so on his own, he's terrible at asking for the help he truly needs. Spite drags Rook into the Fade Ossuary and demands they free Lucanis from his self-imposed prison. And whether you're a friend or would-be lover, Rook slowly talks Lucanis out of a host of self doubts regarding his family and friends. Can he trust himself not to hurt other people, now that he's saddled with this affliction? Has he disappointed the people he cares about most? Do these new people he's coming to care about actually trust and care about him? The rooms are filled with fragmented thoughts that peter out into regrets. You're literally seeing Lucanis' fractured and complicated emotions.
One of them tore a hole straight through me: "You'd have to kill me...And Spite would die."
You'd have to kill him to get rid of the demon. And he'd regret the death of the demon that's protected him and given him strength, through a brutal year of betrayal and torment. I don't know if y'all remember the scenes in the Ossuary of the failed experiments and the corpses you had to pass to get to his jar of blood. It wasn't fun.
When you break out of the mind prison after helping him bond with Spite, it's intimate and momentous, even on a platonic route. You've seen desperate and lonely parts of him he'd never willingly show anyone.
As you're convincing Lucanis that it's okay to leave his mind-prison, you tell him you understand that it's easier to deal with problems like the Ossuary and Zara than healing and living with Spite, potentially hurting people he cares about. But he wants to. It's Rook's job to help him see a path out, a way for him to make the struggle easier so he can begin to heal himself.
I need to stress: you aren't "fixing" him. You're acting as his lighthouse, regardless of whether you're a friend or a lover. Sometimes people need help. He's still going to have to do the work to get there.
As a friend, it was extremely rewarding to come back to the kitchen and see him doing exactly as I'd hoped: moving on with the business of *living*. He made a nice dinner for everyone he's come to care for, and a special dessert for Neve. Cooking is where Lucanis finds creativity, and comfort, and connection with his friends and family. He isn't very good with words, but he will note everything you consume, and try to make you feel loved by expressing it that way.
Which is why I think it's important you don't dismiss the commitment on the romantic route. He remembers YOUR favorite drink and makes YOU a special dessert if you're romancing him. Lucanis isn't going to get poetic. You've already made him feel raw. You've seen the ugly, embarassing parts of him. What is he supposed to say? Usually it takes Spite reaching through his body to actually be direct. Instead, Lucanis reaches for food, his favorite medium, to try and apologize for inadvertently showing you those things, to thank you for helping him despite seeing what he considers the most shameful parts of him. Your commitment is letting him know that you value him, that he has nothing to be ashamed of, that you understand what he's trying to express with his struggling communication skills, which appear to get better as your relationship progresses from there.
It's weird that some of y'all don't feel that this is heartfelt and important, because you'd rather him act out some sensuous fantasy trope. It's also weird that some of you haven't figured out that many scenes in RPG's can be similar on platonic and romantic routes with tweaks to shade context.
(Also just in case this comes up: cooking is not his "love language" - that whole concept was invented by a misogynistic weirdo and we should remove it from our ideas of communication)
Anyway, this guy is my Rook's bestie and I'll go down swinging for him, you should appreciate the fuck out of him and stop acting like his writer didn't craft a perfectly funny little weirdo who is bad at showing people his tender parts and terrible at interpersonal relationships.
#dragon age#datv#dragon age the veilguard#dragon age: the veilguard#lucanis dellamorte#dragon age lucanis
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I got my summer romance Tyson and now I get my winter romance Tyson?? How am I so BLESSED!?!?! LAUREN!! I'm so excited to get into this one!
(once again, in-depth screaming below)
AND THE REASON IS YOUUUUUUUU!!! AND THE REASON IS YOUUUUUUU!!
Lauren, once again, you and I being on the same wave-length as far as music taste
Awwww, Lucyâs mom so ready to look out for her!! They donât even know Tyson is there yet!
Loving her independence â Lucy and I are kindred spirits. (but also that indepence might have been the cause of some issuesâŠ)
Her immediately breaking the cookie apart to give part of it to Tyson!!!
âHe knew that? Did he ask? Or did Jim just tell him?â I have a feeling that he asked Lucy but Iâll let you figure that out for yourself
âHe remembered? After all this time?â Lucy⊠come on, itâs right in front of you⊠HEâS right in front of you
âIt sounds like everything was worth it for youâ TYSON NO DONâT BE BREAKING MY HEART ALREADY
Drunk Tyson just saying the things that have been on his mind is a double-edged sword
Positive: him telling Lucy how pretty and how awesome she is
Negative: him getting into his own insecurities and talking down about himself
YOUâRE TOO GOOD FOR ME â TYSON NO!!
âI can barely get a team to keep me and youâre soaring aheadâ LAUREN THIS WAS CRUEL AND UNUSAL (said with the utmost affection) I JUST WANT WHATâS BEST FOR HIM â and apparently so does Lucy!!
âBecause neither of them were each otherâs first choiceâ OUCH!! MY HEART!!
âIf I could go back and change it all, I would. Iâd choose you. Iâd always choose you.â ANOTHER ONE OF MY FAVORITE TROPES THAT WASNâT EVEN ON THIS YEARâS BINO BOARD?! MIND READER!!
âWell I could never accuse Tyson of being subtleâ â fair enough
Lucyâs mom also being like, âhoney, the answer is right in front of you, come on.â
YOU CAN HAVE BOTH!!!
Grandpa Jost knowing to walk back in the house and let them have their moment!
âThere is no world in which you would be too lateâ I AM MELTING LIKE A PILE OF SNOW IN THE SUN
THIS WAS WONDERFUL!! You brought in ALL the emotions like you ALWAYS do!! I was sad and then heartbroken and then happy and relieved and AAAAAAHHHH!!
I loved it. I loved it! Just... AAAAH!!
A reason to start over new - T. Jost
Summary: Itâs been five years since Lucy has seen her ex-boyfriend Tyson. Can his grandparentsâ Christmas party fix their broken hearts?
Happy birthday @senditcolton! This is my fic for your birthday bingo â I had a lot of fun with this one! I chose The Hand Touch, Exes to Lovers, Free Space (Resolved Angst), âYouâre Too Good for Meâ, and Winter Romance, making it a full bingo! Hope you have a wonderful day Nicole.
A massive thank you to @jostyriggslover96 for reading through this!
Words: 3.3k
Warnings: angst, flashback to breakup, some bad language, self-deprecation.
Title from The Reason, by Hoobastank
~
I've found a reason for me, To change who I used to be, A reason to start over new, And the reason is you.
~
âOh wow, Val and Jim have really outdone themselves this year, havenât they?â
Lucy glanced around at the Christmas decorations surrounding them, smiling at her momâs words.
âFull of holiday cheer, as always!â she nodded.
She took off her thick coat and gloves, glad to be out of the icy air, hanging them up on the rack put out for guests.
âNow honey, if itâs too much, you can slip out back and head home, okay?â her mom said seriously, albeit quietly.
âYou said that last year. And the year before that. For the last five years, actually,â Lucy mused.
âAnd Iâve meant it every year. They might be our neighbours, but you are my baby. And my priority, always,â her mom said seriously.
Not for the first time, Lucy was thankful to have the mom she did.
âAnd I appreciate it. But Iâm going to be fine,â she said, smiling fondly.
âAlright, if youâre sure. You just send me a sneaky text if you change your mind though, yes?â
âYeah, thanks mom,â Lucy beamed.
The Christmas Eve Party thrown by her neighbours was a tradition sheâd attended her entire life, and even though she hadnât dated their grandson in half a decade, Val and John had always insisted that she still came along. A lingering effect of being childhood sweethearts, she supposed.
âAmy! Gary! Lucy!â
The welcome from their neighbours was warm and effervescent as it always was, and soon enough Lucy found herself swept in by conversation and catching up. She may have gone to college in UBC Okanagan in Kelowna for both her degrees, barely away from home, but sheâd lived in campus residence for all four years of her bachelorâs degree and moved out of her parentsâ house properly into a small apartment near campus for her masterâs degree. It wouldâve been easy to move home after guaranteed accommodation ended, but Lucy had wanted to keep the independence she had grown to love, and it wasnât as if she didnât visit her parents at least every other weekend.
But it was still nice to be able to talk about her accomplishments with the people that sheâd grown up alongside, especially now that she was in the final year of her masterâs degree and looking like she was on track for starting the PhD sheâd always aimed for.
After a couple of hours, she escaped the crowds in the living and dining areas, grateful for the sanctuary of the kitchen. There were a few plates of cookies and other Christmas treats laid out, and Lucy couldnât resist reaching out for a snickerdoodleâŠ
âŠat the exact time as someone else.
She jumped in surprise as a large hand rested on top of hers, not realising anyone was next to her, but as she looked up, she couldnât but to freeze despite the warmth of his touch. Tyson. It was Tysonâs hand touching hers.
âOh fuck, Iâm sorry, IâŠLucy?â
âHey Tys,â she managed to breathe.
The familiar curls, the big beautiful eyes, the sweet smile, and now a little bit of stubble? He looked good. Of course he looked good.
Tyson quickly drew his hand away from hers, breaking her out of her thoughts.
âUh, you have it, I shouldnât be eating baked goods too much anyway,â Tyson said, rubbing the back of his neck a little sheepishly.
Lucy pursed her lips and broke a third of the snickerdoodle off, handing it to Tyson with a raised eyebrow. Tyson huffed out a laugh but accepted the offered treat, sending her a small smile of thanks. Fuck, it may have been five years since they broke up, but he really hadnât changed, had he?
âSo, uh, you still come to these parties?â Tyson asked.
Lucy bit her bottom lip but nodded.
âYeah, your grandparents insist. I hope thatâs okay,â she winced.
âOf course it is,â Tyson said quickly, âThey always loved you.â
Well that was something at least. Why did this feel so awkward? Sure, it had been five years since sheâd seen Tyson, but they dated from eight years â surely they had more than this?
âI donât usually come to these. Well, I guess you already know that, if you come every year. I, uh, I have the 24th to the 26th off this year, so I didnât want to miss another Christmas with my grandparents,â Tyson explained.
âI bet Val and Jim were over the moon when you told them,â Lucy mused.
Tyson laughed softly, nodding. âThey were. Mom and Kacey didnât hesitate to come to Kelowna to join us, so itâs a big family Christmas this year.â
âThatâs great, Tys. Really. Spending Christmas with your loved ones is important,â she said softly, smiling.
His smile dimmed a little, but he nodded.
âHowâs, uh, howâs your degree going? Gramps said youâre doing a masterâs now?â
He knew that? Did he ask? Or did Jim just tell him?
âUh, yeah. I graduated my bachelor's degree magna cum laude back in 2020 and went straight into starting my graduate program there. Iâm a paid teaching assistant for my supervisory professor too.â
âThatâs incredible, Luce. Still doing Earth and Environmental Sciences?â Tyson prompted.
He remembered? After all this time?
âYeah, yeah it is. Focusing in on environmental impact assessment for my masterâs thesis,â she nodded, a little stunned, âI didnât thinkâŠI didnât think youâd remember.â
âOf course I remember. You were always so passionate about your studies â it was one of the things I loved most about you,â he said softly.
âTysonâŠâ Lucy said faintly, trailing off when no words would come.
He smiled sadly at her, shaking his head.
âSounds likeâŠit sounds like everything was worth it for you,â Tyson murmured.
~
2019
âSo you canât make it over?â
âNo, Tys, I canât, I have labs to do,â Lucy sighed.
âWe havenât seen each other in so long!â
âI canât just not go to my classes because you want me in Denver! You know this!â she groaned.
âI know, I know, but it sucks.â
Lucy frowned, even though he couldnât see her. âYouâre the one who didnât come home for Christmas, remember?â
âThe schedule didnât make sense, and I offered to fly you down?â
âTyson!â she groaned.
He stayed silent on the other end of the phone, a silence that sent an ominous shiver down her spine.
âSo where do we go from here?â
âW-What?â she said, confused at the dull tone of his voice.
âYour priority is college, my priority is hockey, and neither of us can compromise. I would never ask you to compromise, just like you wouldnât ask me. We have different priorities, clearly. So where do we go from here?â
âTyson, are you really saying what I think youâre saying?â she whimpered.
âYeah, I think we should break up.â
âWeâve been together for eight years! Youâre the only boyfriend Iâve ever had, the only guy Iâve ever wanted. And you want to break up, just like that?â
âI donât want to break up, Luce. But what other option do we have? Neither of us can give the other what we need right now. We have to focus on ourselves, donât we? For our own careers? You have so much ahead of you and I canât be there to celebrate it. And you canât be by my side cheering me on from the stands. I love you, Lucy. But this isnât working anymore.â
~
âTyson, why would you say it like that? You think itâs been easy for me?â Lucy asked, throat a little choked.
âNo, no, of course not,â he groaned.
âThen what do you mean?â
âLook, forget I said anything, okay? It was really good to see you, Luce.â
Before Lucy could say a word, Tyson walked away, leaving her alone in the kitchen with her head spinning. What the hell was that?
For the final few hours of the party, Lucy indulged in a couple more glasses of wine than she intended, sticking solidly by her parentsâ sides. She did her best to keep a smile on her face and ease into the Christmas festivity, even when Laura and Kacey said their hellos, but her mind just kept going back to Tyson.
âWeâre going to start saying our goodbyes, okay honey? Why donât you find all our coats.â
Lucy just nodded at her momâs suggestion, grateful for the opportunity to escape the crowd. Well, she was grateful, until she saw Tyson sitting on the bench next to the coat rack, face flushed and eyes glassy. He was drunk, at least moderately so.
âAh, fuck, I didnât want you to see me like this,â he said, voice slurring.
What did he mean by that?
âIâm just getting our coats. Weâre heading out,â she murmured, trying to ignore the whoosh in her stomach.
âAlready?â
âItâs nearly midnight, Tys,â she said, smiling wryly.
âWell, fuck. Time flies when youâre having whiskey, I guess,â he groaned, putting his empty glass on the bench next to him.
She huffed out a laugh, unhooking the coats when she finally spotted them.
âYou look good, Luce,â he murmured, looking up at her through his eyelashes.
âI do?â she blurted.
Damn it.
But Tyson just grinned. âYeah, you really do. You always looked good, but damn youâve really settled into your own skin, eh?â
âI love who I am, yeah,â she nodded.
She wasnât lying, or even placating. Her studies in environmental impact had opened up a whole new side of her she hadnât even realised was there, and she loved everything about the person sheâd become through it. She just hadnât realised it was obvious on the outside.
Then again, if anyone was going to notice something like that about her, it was going to be Tyson, wasnât it?
âYouâre too good for me.â
Oh fuck.
âThatâs not true. Not even slightly,â Lucy said, frowning.
âNo? I can barely get a team to keep me, and youâre soaring ahead with your academic career, just like you deserve,â Tyson scoffed.
This was just the alcohol talking. It had to be.
âTys, those teams are the ones missing out. Youâre amazing,â she said softly.
He paused for a moment, before shaking his head.
âIf Iâm so amazing, why did we break up?â
Because he had to put hockey first.
Because she had to put college first.
Because neither of them were each otherâs first choice.
âThatâs not fair, Tyson. We were kids when we first started dating. Barely 13 years old. And we were together for eight years! We had an incredible relationship! It justâŠwe wanted different things. Our priorities were different, our passions were different â we might have grown up together, but weâd also grown apart. Your life is hockey and my life is academics, and thatâs okay! That doesnât mean we didnât have love, yeah?â
The way that Tysonâs eyes filled up with tears made her own eyes water, dangerous lump rising in her throat.
âIf I could go back and change it all, I would. Iâd choose you. Iâd always choose you.â
His soft words tore a sob from her throat and she shook her head. How could he be so cruel?
âDonât say that. We made the right decision five years ago and you know it,â she whimpered.
Tysonâs face fell at her devastated expression, and he staggered to his feet.
âIâm sorry. I didnât mean to upset you. Iâm sorry,â he said sadly.
And yet here she was, broken hearted all over again.
âI should go. I need to go,â was all she could manage to choke out.
âLucy, baby, pleaseâŠâ
But Lucy just shook her head, clutching the coats in her hands, shaky smile on her lips as the tears finally fell. âMerry Christmas, Tyson.â
~
âSo what happened at the Christmas Eve Party that has you all torn up like this?â
Lucy flinched at her momâs voice, turning her head to see her standing in the doorway to her bedroom.
âNothing,â she said quickly.
âUh huh, and Iâm a fairy princess,â her mom snorted.
Lucy couldnât help but giggle, earning a fond smile as her mom walked into the room and sat down next to her on her bed. Lucy placed a bookmark in the book sheâd been reading to give her mom her full attention. Sheâd needed a little respite from all the preparations to hold her dadâs family for a late lunch, after all the intensity of having her momâs family over yesterday on Christmas Day, but sheâd found herself reliving her conversation with Tyson over and over.
âSounds likeâŠit sounds like everything was worth it for you.â
âYouâre too good for me.â
âIf Iâm so amazing, why did we break up?â
âIf I could go back and change it all, I would. Iâd choose you. Iâd always choose you.â
So really, her mom coming up to talk to her was a welcome break from all of that as well.
âIf you know it was the Christmas Eve Party then you can take a guess,â Lucy said, shrugging.
âIâd rather hear it from you, when Tysonâs involved,â her mom mused.
Well at least her mom was blunt about it.
âWe had a couple of conversations, and it stirred up old emotions, old drama. HeâŠmom, he said heâd go back and change it all if he could. That heâd always choose me. What am I supposed to do with that?â
Her mom blinked a couple of times, lips parted in a surprised, before she coughed out a laugh.
âWell I could never accuse Tyson of being subtle.â
âMom, seriously. This is stressing me out. I canât stop thinking about it,â Lucy groaned.
âI think thatâs an answer in itself, sweetheart,â she said softly.
âWhat?â
Her mom stayed silent, just nudging Lucy with her shoulder, and Lucy nudged back out of habit. What did she mean, that was an answer in itself?
âLucy, honey, if you canât stop thinking about Tyson choosing you above everything else, that means something,â her mom eventually said with a huffed laugh.
âBut how can it? He still has his hockey, and I still have academics. Neither of those are going to change any time soon,â Lucy said sadly.
Because at the end of the day, that was the bottom line of it all. Their priorities havenât changed.
âJust because your both still have your passions doesnât mean that they have to be your only love. You can have both,â her mom said firmly.
What?
âHow can I have both?â Lucy asked, confused.
âDo you love him?â was all she said.
âWhat?â Lucy said, surprised.
âDo you love him?â her mom repeated.
Lucy opened her mouth, shutting it again before huffing out a laugh. There was only one answer to that.
âYeah, I never stopped,â she replied.
âThen you can have both. You spent the last five years missing him, and I know damn well that that boy missed you too - neither of you deserve that for another second. You can have both,â her mom said decisively.
She could have both?
How could she have both?
âYou love him.â
âI love him,â Lucy whispered.
âGo get him.â
Lucy whimpered as she looked into her momâs eyes, but she only saw warmth and encouragement. Her mom was right. She loved Tyson. She loved Tyson and if seeing him again this Christmas had taught her anything, it was that she was stupid if she tried to deny how much she missed him. If she didnât tell him now, when would she?
âHe leaves today. I need to go now,â she said suddenly.
âWell damn, okay then. Put on a sweater and Iâll find your snow boots,â her mom grinned.
Lucy felt like she was in a haze as she walked as quickly down the street as was safe, heart pounding as she spotted Tyson loading bags into his grandpaâs car.
âTyson!â
His head whipped around at her shout, eyes going wide as he saw her walking towards him. Tyson shuffled down the driveway, missing Jimâs fond smile as he himself went back into the house, and the moment that she was standing in front of him, Tyson cupped his hands over her elbows to steady her.
âWhat are you doing here?â
âI love you,â she breathed.
Tyson whimpered, but Lucy wasnât discouraged, not when she saw the wonder that filled his expression.
âYou love me?â
âI love you. I love you so much and I canât stop thinking about everything you said the other night,â she blurted out.
âLuce, Iâm sorry, I know I upset you butâŠâ
âNo, Tys, itâs okay,â Lucy said, shaking her head as she interrupted, âWhile I stand by what I said, that we made the right decision at the time, maybe we could make a different decision now?â
âWhat are you saying?â
She could understand his hesitation, really she could. It wasnât as if she wasnât coming out with this out of the blue, after five years of nothing at all. After five years of heartbreak and heartache. But her mom was right â she missed him so fiercely and she couldnât bear the thought of him not knowing that.
âI want us to start over new. I never stopped loving you, not for one moment. We could have both. We could have our passions and our love, and I hate that itâs taken me this long to even consider that? I miss you and I love you and I know youâre heading to the airport to fly back to Raleigh, but tell me Iâm not crazy for thinking we could do this?â
Tysonâs jaw dropped as he processed her long rant, and it was only his firm grip on her elbows that stopped her from giving up hope.
âThat was a lot,â Tyson said.
She winced. âI know, butâŠâ
âAnd you poured out a lot of emotion there,â he interrupted.
Lucy kept her mouth shut this time, as much as she wanted to beg him to say more.
âItâs been agony for five years, for so many reasons, but hearing you say that you love me and you want to give our relationship another shot? I justâŠâ
Tyson trailed off, letting out a long breath.
âI understand if Iâm too late,â she murmured.
But Tyson huffed out a laugh, raising one hand from her elbow to cup her face in a gentle motion that had her breath hitching in her throat.
âThere is no world in which youâd be too late,â Tyson said softly.
âReally?â
âI love you too, Lucy. I never stopped either,â he murmured.
She couldnât stop the incredulous laugh that tumbled from her lips, smiling back up at Tyson as he smiled at her.
âWeâre really doing this?â she asked, giddy.
âYeah, baby, we are. I donât know how weâre going to do this, or what itâs going to look like, but weâre both adult enough to know how to put in more effort this time round right, yeah? Iâll fly home for the all-star break, and Iâll fly you out for spring break, and weâll have video calls that neither of us are going to miss. And everything else. Weâre going to make it work this time,â he said, tone serious but face grinning.
âAnd weâre going to communicate, yeah? When one of us is finding it hard? Weâll find little compromises, as we canât do the big compromises. Weâre worth it,â Lucy added, not caring that her cheeks were aching with her smile.
âYeah, we are. I love you, so much Lucy,â Tyson grinned.
âI love you too.â
Tyson didnât waste any time in leaning down to press his lips to hers, their last first kiss.
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i also popped into the grapes in sheffield yesterday (where the monkeys played their very first gig back in 2003 đ„č) for a quick pint and it literally had the loveliest atmosphere, even the bouncer was super sweet. cash only, live music happening in a back room, exclusively locals (and me, sorry), and an arctic monkeys banner above the bar đ„° (and i spotted baby alex at the leadmill too đ«¶đŒ)
#had to do a little arctic monkeys pilgrimage of course â€ïž#it was so lovely hearing the accent everywhere#and everyone was so friendly and helpful#like extremely so#my train to london was cancelled this morning so i asked someone for help#and they went out of their way to make sure i could go on another one and helped me find everything#and then informed his colleagues of what was going on and they later came to check on me to see if i was all sorted now đ„ș#northern hospitality đŻ#love it here#anyways sorry for all the rambling lol#i am just feeling emotional about everything apparently#alex turner#arctic monkeys#minnie talks
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I know multiple of these are likely important to people, but I'm asking in terms of like - which of these do you tend to focus on the MOST, enjoy the most, that is most essential for you to actually care about the media, etc.?
(For example: someone finding "Relatability" most important would likely not enjoy a show much if they have trouble empathizing with the characters/relating to it, even if it were good otherwise. Or, someone might be able to overlook bad acting and ugly costumes, as long as the Character Dynamics are fun to them, because they value that more than Aesthetics- while for others, bad costumes would be a dealbreaker.)
Also feel free to reblog and explain your answer or more information in the tags- I've always been curious about people's relationships to media, how they conceptualize it/what they get out of it, how some people value some parts more than others, how that informs their overall taste and genres they may be more inclined towards, etc. :0c
#I was having a conversation with a friend about our favorite type of media and they said the reason they DON'T like historical or fantasy#media or etc. is because they can't imagine themselves being in those situations like it's too detached from anything that they can relate#to personally. they put themselves in the shoes of the characters and apparently like feel emotions while watching stuff and actually#get into the way the characters are feeling so they kind of judge how 'good' or 'bad' a show's writing/setting/etc. are by how it makes#them feel and if they think the characters reacted realistically based on what they were feeling in the moment/what in their head they#would be feeling if they were in the postion of the character. SO apparently the distance of it being in an unrelatable setting or too#detached from our reality makes it harder for them to relate to and less able to really engage with it on that level. WHEREAS I watch#things exclusively in a very like.. detached way?? I'm INTERESTED.. it's like im intellectually analyzing everyhting that's happening and#can be intrigued by events but it's not in an emotional way? More of like a distant 'intellectual curiosity'. Maybe the premise or the#aesthetics or something about it has piqued an interest for me to observe it. to see what it's like or how it plays out. how the idea#is executed or etc. But like.. I cannot remember EVER really relating to any character or situation or projecting onto a character#or having those sorts of feelings or investment in it. That is just not a central part of why/how I watch things or what I care about#BUT after this I was thinking maybe this is my disconnect? I do not seem to conceptualize media the way some other people do and I often#walk away with an entirely different take on things. etc. So I wonder if maybe it's part of how everyone values different things probably?#maybe I literally just watch stuff and percieve it from a different frame of mind that others. More of a like detached curiosity#vaguely bemused analysis mode. Instead of a 'I am deeply emotionally invested in this and am feeling for all the characters' mode#And also I bet people who care more about plot/story are also the people who mind spoilers. Whereas for me I literally seek out spoilers#intentionally because that element of 'suprise ooh what will happen next!' is not central at all to my enjoyment. I could know literally#everything that will happen and still can find it interesting to observe - since for me#that's not the point. I'd rather know the ending so I can determine whether I want to invest the time in it in the first place. etc.#ANYWAY!! If I had to choose - I would say I'm usually heavily focused on world details and aesthetics. With only a slight preference#towards characters individually being interesting. Group dynamics can sometimes be okay but I get tired of everything being about relations#hips and romance - especially when sometimes it seems to be like. people who could not stand on their own as a character/are fundamentally#boring otherwise lol. I would watch a series of just one guy locked in a closet talking to himself as long as he was interesting and saying#things that were amusing or notable for some reason lol. I actually tend to dislike plot because most 'plot heavy' things like action focus#ed shows ALWAYS feel to me like they're moving so fast just to get from one thing to another that I'm not getting enough details. Part of#why I tend to not like movies. the time limit makes them too quick. I need a 95 hour expostion dump of the history of the entire world#and a series of 17 episodes straight where a guy is trapped in a room & the audience is just psychoanalyzing him. hghj.. Maybe I find all#characters annoying/unrelatable bc people w my personality type make bad characters/are not often represented (or are done BADLY). so then#I'm just picking 'who is the LEAST insufferable? who could i study like a lab rat?' whilst my main focus is the worldbuilding&costumes lol
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man what the fuck i spent fifteen years of my life in school and i somehow came out not knowing how to handle my emotions OR balance a chequebook
#i am! overwhelmed with gratitude over a ton of things this week!!!#and it's as distressing to be overwhelmed with gratitude as it is to be with the more negative emotions like anger or sadness apparently!!!#like i don't know how to handle being happy as much as i didn't know how to handle being sad#and one would think i'd have some financial skills or some basic street smarts to show for it But NO!!!! NOT EVEN THAT!!!#why do we even go to school what's the fucking point#other than the stress dreams i still have and the way i'm having to relearn doing things for the sake of doing them instead of for marks#what did i ever gain from school#like the last time i learnt anything i care about in school i think i was ten? everything after that has been just.#i don't like to use that word lightly but it feels like everything after that age has been just trauma piling#the schooling system as it stands is so fucking pointless and it's even more prominent after leaving school than it was during it
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#as an extra fuck me my body has apparently given out and decided this is a good time to get sick#because thatâs really what I needed on top of everything else#I feel like Iâm about to have a goddamn panic attack#but I need the money and donât want to call out of work#I donât want to be in the house anyways after that massive fight with my dad last night#but like#feels like thereâs nowhere for me#need to rest and I canât#need money but my work place was already stressful and now weâve got the terrible newbie whoâs causing problems to boot#i had nightmares last night and slept horribly#like where am I supposed to go? thereâs no peace for me anywhere#itâs just suffering at the moment#I need a fucking break#feel like Iâm gonna have an emotional breakdown the second I pull up to work#Iâm so tired
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my vitriolic hate for the parentals only grows btw. everything i overhear is in fact a big fat negative in our relationship
#i am becoming less and less guilty about this the more they cause me grief bc all we fucking do in the polycule is reparent each other#and the ways they have both been horrible has basically been entire emotional neglect and constant abuse for having the gall to live#i have zero respect for them genuinely. i don't fucking care anymore#i barely enjoy moms company anyway because more and more all of our autisms clash#plus she called me codependent once so i stopped being a child around her. so#i really have no more parents anymore. i know my parents hate me. i know it#i dont want to do this anymore#I'm so tired of being alive#i really want to just die right now#fucking. mimi tries to be so sweet but its fucking hard id rather just stop trying to show any sort of love#i hope tht when the parentals look at me all they feel is how much i hate them i NEED them to feel haunted in their own house bc of me.#every one of both of my partners parents have basically been split on me. i was ok with them once until they fucking pushed me enough that#now i literally cannot see them without hate. i hate every one of them for how they treated and still treat my partners and how they make#both my partners dread every second of having to be around them or speak to them or do anything with them#im fucking tired of being treated like they fucking made able bodied children WHEN THEY IN FACT DIDNT. SURPRISE ASSHOLE YOU TRAUMATIZED YOUR#KID INTO DISABILITY#now none of us can fucking function in the world were all 3 disabled stupid autistics who can barely not yell at each other or whatever and#i infact dont blame my partners because i know its not the fucking cause its what they were fucking taught and i have no more grace in me to#give to the parents who raised them. there is no grace for them. there is simply you fucking couldve been better. you failed and you have to#fucking live with the fact that you fucking failed as a parent#i fucking hate everything about the parentals genuinely. there are so much of their lives and interests that i do not respect because their#lives apparently came first over their kids. and i dont care anymore i dont care about reasonable âexcusesâ i dont fucking care when#i reparent their kid without their fucking input or thought or opinion. fuck off#i fucking hate it here#đ„©#đŁ#đ€ïž#original#vent
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playing dmc1 with my earbuds in (but on low volume bc they're being weird) while my roommate and her shitty bf argue. i feel like i'm recreating the very specific experience of some child of divorce out there
#how do i tell her she needs to break up with him immediately. posthaste.fuck it funny post over rant incoming tw emotional abuse i think#nyarla dni#(<- roomie and nyarla have met and i don't wanna air roomie's drama to ppl who know her w/o her consent. anon internet ppl only)#listen i'm normally for gentle advising and that's probably what i'll do since i don't want to stress her out but oh my fucking god what is#his problem. he's constantly putting her in these weird no-win situations where the only right answer is to never be upset or disagree or b#wrong on accident or be misunderstood by him and to tell him everything she's feeling so she's not 'playing mind games' but if she says wha#she's feeling he'll interrogate her and badger her with the same questions over and over again insisting she's unreasonable until she gives#in and says she's sorry with an attitude he likes. i fucking don't like him. and a lot of this is observations from today. the day after sh#GOT INTO A CAR ACCIDENT AND BROKE HER NECK. WHAT THE FUCK.#it's like he expects to be treated like a king on one of the worst days of her life and when she's upset he's like OH. OH I GET IT.#and lectures her on having attitude and taking things out on others when she's literally not even doing that. not to an extent that matters#anyway. like. there's more productive ways of dealing with that. where you don't treat them like a bad kid for getting overwhelmed#he has made her cry multiple times today. i have been around multiple arguments and fights and he's just genuinely. awful i hate him#hell the first argument i overheard *i* was in tears by the end (luckily they left soon after bc i had to run to the basement laundry#dungeon to bawl my eyes out because 1. i can't handle confrontation 2. i've never seen roomie cry and 3. she just seemed so hurt and tired)#anyway he just left again after a fight because. god this is so dumb. she told him to move while they were sleeping in the same twin bed#(remember she's in a neck brace) and he fucking. left the room for an HOUR bc he thought the only thing that could POSSIBLY mean (as he#insisted) was for him to get out of here and then when she was like oh hey i'm sorry i didn't mean it like that he decided to spend the nex#half hour of his short time on this earth chewing her out for not giving him a lengthy explanation while half-asleep as to like. why he#needed to move (she wanted to grab smth) and apparently he sat in the chair by her bed for like 10 mins before leaving so he probably saw#her fall back asleep. and then he got pissy when after he left she didn't pick up her phone when he was calling her? even though he knew sh#was asleep?? she didn't even know he was gone. fucking. i need to get him away from my roomie YESTERDAY#look. miscommunication happens. i'm not saying he's an asshole for wanting things said clearly. i am pro-saying what you mean.#but if every time your gf tells you what she means you make it into a 30 minute lecture (no matter how small the slight and w/o examining i#you're actually right or not) she's not gonna wanna fucking tell you if she doesn't think it's worth the argument. especially if you never#let her rest until she concedes. apology isn't enough. clarification isn't enough. she has to say how wrong she was and beg and GOD. UGHHH#and he's always on about how she hurts his feelings. a gust of wind could hurt his feelings. he's constantly berating her manipulating her#and then he's like >:( see that hurt my feelings you can't hurt ppl's feelings. you're disrespectful. HE"S THE WORST I FUCKING HATE HIM#look sometimes adversity reveals the truth of a person and this just amplified his shittiness so much. mr OH i slept in a HOSPITAL and it#was so bad... you can't be in a bad mood bc i've been doing the bare minimum and you need to prioritize MY feelings rn. also i won't leave
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i love going through my personal tag itâs like getting to remember my life
#personal posting#this is meant to be read as /lh btw#anyways iâm sicky but actually trying to get better whilst rescheduling my therapy appt bcus APPARENTLY#calling out directly before or after a holiday means you donât get paid for said holiday#and i hate this hellworld we live in so much#and i am so so sleepy also emotionally speaking i could not handle going into work today so hopefully everything is squared away for tmm#taking space from another talking stage that this time got too emotional too fast and like that never happens with me#so i am. very confused by this. also i think itâs fucking with my memory even more that we smoke so much together i literally get my days#mixed up#idk man iâm just trying to survive out here but i donât feel like iâm doing a good job except for when i do#hey also jic future me is wondering no iâm not back on antidepressants yet#i should be soon tho! iâm getting them delivered#this feels like the movie momento. i am momento#also like can i just have the time to make my life solely about hanging out with gay communist bitches who also want to cuddle and make out#and take it slow. and maybe not be monog? (idk abou that yet iâm just not please with it rn) please and thank you#speaking of going thru this tag iâm trying to find out when i stopped being on my antidepressants and i feel like i can tell by how frequent#i say Thing Are Getting Bad
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My experience with Luke (Punz)
CW: toxic relationship, racism, dubious consent
I know in the past i said that i would no longer speak about him publicly, and when talking about my experiences with abuse and emotional mistreatment i begged to keep it anonymous but after reflecting on this for a week and seeing so many incredibly smart and strong women tell their stories. they have given me the strength to say his name.
this is really scary to talk about because of the copious levels of harassment i have received from his fans in the past so if this spreads or gets out of hand i will simply log off.
If you read my last post, i nicknamed him 1.
So aside from everything i said there, there were a lot of things i didnât include because they wouldâve made it obvious that it was him and it could potentially backfire on me so, iâm very afraid to post this. but iâm going to do it scared anyway, because itâs not fair that he gets to just go and live his life worry-free as if he didnât practically ruin mine.
Because I already made a very lengthy post about him, i wonât include everything i said last time to avoid being redundant but if i repeat myself, please bear with me.
In our year long relationship i had to endure emotional neglect, gaslighting, verbal abuse, one instance where there was dubious consent, and much more.
Starting off at the beginning of our relationship, thatâs when i was getting copious amounts of hate and harassment from his fan base (warranted or not), he decided that our relationship must be kept private. he said it was to âprotectâ me from his fanbase when in reality it was to protect himself. it was so he wouldnât get all the backlash i was getting. this is funny because one of the things i got called out for was saying the B slur (derogatory term used against mexicans/latinos). I wonât get into the nuances of if i could say it or not as a puertorican because thatâs discourse that does not pertain to this specific situation. But you know who definitely canât say it? A white boy from Massachusetts. When i was getting cancelled for this and getting thousands of tweets calling me names, he decided that was the perfect time to say âI mean you are a b***** arenât you? my little b*****.â Now, he said this completely unprompted. I was in the process of writing my apology and he just said that. I tell you this because i immediately shut him down and told him that there was no universe in which it was okay for him to say that word and especially not one where he could just call me that. While i was reprimanding him, he was smiling and laughing. he apparently found it amusing to call me a slur. regardless, he gave me a half-assed apology and said he wouldnât do it again. and he didnât. but this wasnât the only time he was weirdly racist to me. this was my first time being in an interracial relationship so i was led to believe that this was normal by all the white people around me at the time. But, sometimes my spanish accent would come out and he would make fun of me and the way i pronounced some words. He also refused to visit me in Puerto Rico when i lived there or come meet my family when i really wanted him to because he âdidnât like the heatâ or âitâs dangerous there isnât it?â. Once, while we were watching season 2 of Bridgerton, he implied that the Sharma sisters were âtoo darkâ for him to be attracted to them. This hurt me because they are brown skinned girls. I am a brown skinned girl. Then this, combined with the fact that he told me once he wasnât attracted to me made me feel like my skin color was unattractive. These are only a few examples i can think of at the moment, but iâm sure there were more. Our relationship ended in 2022 so some of my memory is a bit hazy. But, I do remember feeling inferior to him throughout the relationship because he was white and I was not. I chalk that up to all the micro aggressions i had to deal with because i had never felt that way around white people before.
Another thing i had to endure was him constantly making me feel like he was embarrassed to be with me. Because i was cancelled, he didnât want to associate with me too much. He did defend me on multiple occasions, Iâll give him that. But, he only did it because his name was getting dragged in the mud along with mine. Excusing my actions made him look better for being around me. In reality he didnât really care. Because he was such a big content creator and someone i looked up to professionally, I took his advice as law. He told me to tone down my personality, to keep a low profile, to change things about myself to be more palatable to his audience. The same audience that spoke about me like âThe pussy canât be that good punz please stop defending herâ. So i changed a lot of things about myself and my content to better suit what his audience liked. He made me feel like if his audience liked me, he would be public about our relationship and stop hiding it. He told me the reason why he wanted to keep our relationship a secret was because he didnât want to get hate for it. But this wasnât true. On my 20th birthday he went to Las Vegas for a twitch rivals event. That night i asked to facetime him to say goodnight and he refused because he was at a hotel room with his friends and he didnât want them to know that we were together. It was as if my mere presence or the utterance of my name was a source of embarrassment for him. And he didnât let me forget it. It wasnât just a public thing at that point. He didnât want people to know we were together, period. This was devastating to me because I would talk to all my friends about him. I was so proud to be with him and I was just one more problem to him. He made me feel so small and insignificant just because his fans didnât like me.
He would berate me a lot. Not just due to getting heat online, although he did do that a lot. But in general whenever we would get into an argument or a disagreement he would always call me names like annoying or weird or stupid. He would raise his voice at me if i did something he didnât like and call me an idiot. And that really hurt, i felt like i couldnât bring up anything or do anything without getting insulted. If I hadnât seen him in a few days because he was too busy streaming and i asked to hang out he would call me needy, clingy, and annoying. Granted, he might not have been wrong, but that is not something you say to someone you claim to love. He also insulted me when i was in depressive episodes. I have BPD and at the time i was not being treated properly for it. So, I was all over the place emotionally and he was what i clung to for validation, reassurance, and love. I talked to him when we first started dating about my disorder and told him that if it seemed like something he couldnât handle that he could opt out of the relationship. I guess he didnât think it was that bad or something idk because whenever i had really bad depressive episodes, he would tell me I was too sad to hang out with. He said that my sadness was a burden to him. Which would be fair. But, once my mother had a conversation with him about me. She told him that i am someone who needs a lot of love and caring. She said that if he wasnât willing to put in that kind of effort into a relationship to just leave me alone. He reassured her that he would be there for me no matter what. He told my mother that he would protect me and my heart. He did not. He took all the warnings I gave him and ignored them and then made me feel like I was the problem. And even worse, he would say that i was pretending to be sad to get his attention when he would neglect for days at a time.
There were also some smaller things like the fact that he made me feel really guilty whenever he would spend money on me. Also, he would be really mean about my eating habits. For context, i used to suffer from an eating disorder. I was anorexic and had a really unhealthy relationship with food during high school and my first year of uni. This relationship began when i was recovering from my ED. For me, eating was really hard. So i had certain comfort foods that, while sometimes unhealthy, at least it was something to eat when i didnât feel like eating anything. He knew this. Yet, whenever i would crave some of these foods he would call me fat. Constantly told me Iâd gain weight from eating all that junk food. Saying that to someone with an eating disorder is crazy. Other smaller things were that whenever I would post tiktoks where i was lip syncing or just looking good he would yell at me and say i was looking for attention. Same with Instagram or Twitter whenever i would post photos where I looked hot. He never planned out a single date for us. I would beg him to get me flowers and he did maybe once but iâll get into that in a bit. He would make fun of me in front of his friends to make himself look better. He let his friends say really degrading things about me in his presence. For example, once when i was showering, i overheard him on a discord call with George and Sapnap and i heard George say âif you donât go in the shower and have sex with Andi, i willâ. Once, when i was really struggling with my legs (for those of you who donât know, i have arthritis and itâs very painful. at the time i wasnât diagnosed but i was in a lot of pain) I literally could not walk. I had to beg him to take me to the ER because i didnât know what was wrong with me. He didnât want to take me but eventually i convinced him, and while we were there all he did was complain about how long it was taking and that he would have rather been at home streaming. Whenever I would talk about my interests that i was excited about like shows or books he would be incredibly uninterested and say that those things were stupid and he didnât want to hear about them. I know all of these seem very silly or superficial but cumulatively it was awful.
Now for arguably the most serious thing iâm going to talk about. I want to preface this by saying i am just telling my side of what happened. You can come to your own conclusions about this.
On April 25, 2022 it was our one year anniversary, and i had made a dinner reservation for us. I expected him to plan something throughout the day for us to do. He told me he was going to spend the whole day playing Valorant so I got upset and cancelled the reservation. After a very heated argument, we calmed down and i asked him to come over. He came over about an hour later with flowers and drinks (I was 20 at the time so I couldnât buy the drinks myself). He brought Smirnoffs and Trulys. For context, I am a lightweight. I always have been. I literally get tipsy on half a cocktail. And that day, I hadnât eaten anything because i was in distress over our argument. So we get to talking and drinking. I blacked out after my second Smirnoff. Apparently I drank 3 but I genuinely cannot remember anything after finishing the second one. The next morning i woke up naked in my bed. I woke him up and asked him âLuke, why am I naked?â and he said âBecause you didnât want to put your clothes back on.â When I clarified to him that that was not what I meant, he got defensive and said that he didnât realize how drunk I was. He proceeded to tell me that I initiated sex with him and that i was very enthusiastic about it. He said he didnât know i could black out on three smirnoffs. He made fun of me for being a lightweight and continued to make light of the situation. Then he mentioned that i fell off the bed at some point in the night and that it was funny how drunk I was. I then questioned him. Because if he thought that me tripping and falling off the bed because i was so drunk was funny, how did he not know that i was too drunk? He responded by saying that i fell off the bed only after we were done. That day I broke up with him. Iâm still really confused about what happened that night. I donât remember anything and all I have to go on is what he said to me. We were in a relationship at the time and he says he didnât know how drunk I was so Iâm not sure what to call what happened. A while after that day, his friend that hmu while we were broken up and I started talking again and i confided in him about that night. He told me to be careful saying things like that because they could get me into trouble. I spoke to some of our other friends about it and they told me it was no big deal and that it wasnât his fault that he didnât know how drunk I really was. Because I donât remember, I have been led to believe that this is not a serious matter. You can think what you want, come to whatever conclusions you want. That is just my side of the story.
I want to add that Iâm not proud of how I acted after the relationship ended. I felt really angry at all the shit he put me through and I guess a part of me wanted him to hurt even a quarter of how I did. So I started talking to his friend and got involved with him. This backfired on me because his friend ended up really hurting me too so ig i got my karma. But the thing that hurt the most is that because of what I did, some of our friends took his side in the break up. I was told that I did something terrible by getting involved with his friend that he was already insecure about and that he didnât deserve that. These are the same friends who were witness to the dumpster fire of a relationship we had and all the things he did to me. They turned their backs on me because of this one thing I did. But stood by and watched as he treated me like garbage for over a year.
I will conclude this by saying that while this relationship has been âover and done withâ for almost two years now, I carry a lot of trauma from it still. I still talk about him in therapy and have had to put in a lot of work to heal from what he did and i still cannot say that i am okay. I am very blessed to now have a patient and understanding partner who has helped me heal from that trauma and i just want to quickly thank him for that. Nobody deserves to go through what I did. While yes, it was a toxic relationship, and I had a part in that, it does not excuse all the awful things he said and did to me. This is my truth, thank you for taking the time to read it.
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honestly, even my bad body days nowadays are so much healthier than they used to be. sure, it's exhausting fighting off your worst impluses but it was even more exhausting back when i had to pretend like i cared about fighting them to begin with and i call that progress
#eating disorders#body dysmorphia#personal#nobody ever really talks about how for a long time you do actually wanna stay sick when u have an ED but god that was literally the worst#part of the entire experience for me having people be concerned and having to fake like i cared about it i still get emotional thinking#about how i could care so little about myself and how capable i am of just absolutely being cruel to myself for no reason#oh i think now that i know im autistic i definitely feel like it was an attempt to control the ableism in my life#but damn it sucks knowing you're your own worst enemy anyways apparently its really normal to like not want to actually get better#and you shouldn't be ashamed if this is you right now but yeah getting to the point where i can recognize i love myself too much to let#myself be treated like that god it was fucking HARD and i resented it a lot at the time i fought it with everything i had
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update they messaged me to say they felt I had been very hostile to them the last 2 times they saw me (almost fair - I was very hostile to them 2/3 of the last 3 times I saw them) and "can we address this?"
so I said "no, not really" and they said "well do you know why" and I said "yes, but I don't think I can productively have that conversation with you so I'm not going to." and they haven't messaged since.
suuuucccessss????
there is a person in my life who I Do Not Like Being Around. they trigger all sorts of shit for me that makes me extremely irritable, defensive, tense, reactive, snappy, etc. I think it would be fair to say I hate them in that I see or hear about them and I'm already mentally squaring up.
(and that is an unusual experience for me. I am a dyed-in-the-wool hater of THINGS but I find it fairly difficult to maintain a lot of distaste and anger towards PEOPLE)
but the problem is.
a) I am conscious that I am not behaving rationally. I do not like the person I am around them.
and
b) I canNOT fucking get away from them. they are in basically all my social spaces, and every time I get involved in organising they're there trying to Be In Charge In A Non-Hierarchical Way. They're my best friends' best friend. They're my ex's partner. And even when I'm not anywhere near them people end up talking to me about how irritating they are. they are haunting me.
#red said#it is a mixed feeling tbf#on the one hand. no this isn't about things within their control. they trigger the shit out of me for reasons more to do with#how other people defend their behaviour than how they behave#i feel i have to constantly choose btw walking on eggshells and caving every time they stamp their feet OR everything being a huge blowup#and that. i do not think. is entirely in their control. it's other people sending that message.#now i do not think other people defend them so much out of love or agreement as out of the fact that if they're unhappy it makes#everyone else unhappy and they're one of these people who like. RADIATES their misery out.#now that is a fault of theirs. but not one that's in their direct control. some people just uncontrollably Emit an Aura of Grump.#i know this because i am one and i have yet to find a way to avoid it other than leaving.#now i do ALSO think that they're a bossy selfcentred entitled public school kid who treats their friends and loved ones very poorly#and who is intensely defensive about their own emotional needs and boundaries while flippantly trampling everyone else's#and separately that they're a really irritating theory bro who talks constantly about how they're the prevailing expert on nonhierarchy#and that's why they should be in charge of how nonhierarchical spaces happen#and that they constantly refuse to let anyone else have any degree of agency over how things are organised or managed#then sulk because THEY have to do EVERYTHING#but these are not the reasons i am perpetually angry and reactive at them.#(except the bossiness. i do not react well to being told what to do and i recognise that this is as much a me problem as a them problem)#the reason i cannot keep an even head around them is because every time they're unreasonable people wave it off as normal or sympathetic#and every time someone is unreasonable to them that person is expected to apologise because of how supposedly fragile this person is#and i am. VERY reactive to that feeling. for Several Many Reasons.#i guess the reason i cannot productively have this conversation. other than. primarily. that i don't want to.#is: this is not me reacting reasonably. this is me reacting to the idea that i have to be reasonable and accommodate their unreasonableness.#EVERY TIME. and EVERYONE has to accommodate them being unreasonable#and EVERYONE has to be entirely evenhanded if THEY act unreasonably and try and understand where they're coming from#and another thing that triggers me here is the inescapableness. fairly or not i feel like I'm not allowed to leave.#i can't avoid them and if i try to push them away they pop up to ask why. and that's not unreasonable on their part!#but it's TRIGGERING AS FUCK on mine. i HAVE anger issues and i am VERY worried about disliking people bc i do snarl unfairly.#i don't LIKE being unreasonable. especially because. unlike some people apparently. i don't think that explaining it makes it ok.#i would prefer to not be a cunt. so i need to not be in a situation where my buttons are getting pushed. bc i am then a cunt.
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Ok, it was basically a request where the batboys brought their significant other as their date to a gala for the first time, they leave for a second (to get drinks or go to the bathroom or something to that end) and when they come back the see their S/O being harassed by a group of socialite women that keep talking about how they canât believe someone like the batboy is with such a plain little nobody. That was the gist of it. Sorry đŁ
I kinda made Timâs as bit different than requested, but I couldnât help but see him grill an entire household and their business ventures. Then again I kinda took creative liberties with all of them.
Dick
Is the type to put on an extremely strained smile across his face as he puts his arm over your shoulders.
âWhatâs wrong my love, why the saddened face?â He asks you sweetly, intentionally ignoring the rich and powerful in front of you both.
âOh donât worry yourself withâŠthat thing dear Richard, theyâre too emotional to be in a room with people they could only dream of being in the presence of. I wouldnât get so close to it if I were you, you might catch their filth.â One of them sneered and Dickâs jaw tensed in agitation as his eyes remained on you.
âDo you wanna leave?â He says in a whisper as he wipes a tear away from your cheek, lightly pinching it in hopes of seeing you smile at him.
âYes please, I want to go home and be with Hayley.â You whispered back, griping his arms tightly, thankful that his body blocked out the rich people that were berating you. Dickâs face softened as he kissed the top of your head, hoping of giving you some form of comfort in your time of distress, before looking back at the rich people with a faux grin.
âIf you please excuse us, my lovely sweetheart, my beloved cutie and my forever lover wishes to leave this drab place and who am I to deny my love of her wishes, for I shall wait on them hand and for forever if it pleases them so because between you and me?â He then leans close to them. âYou donât have the heart to sacrifice everything for the one you love, if you even have hearts in the first place. You posses no freedom and no personality whatsoever for anyone to love nor adore, them however?â He points towards you as you look at him with a small smile, a smile so sweet that Dick couldnât help but smile back.
âThey are my everything. I couldnât think about living without them, not when theyâve donât nothing but be kind and respectful of me and my time. I donât deserve them but neither does this city, theyâre an angel in human skin that I wish to worship as long as theyâll let me.â You could feel your cheeks burn at his words as your smiles widened at the twinkle of love within his gorgeous eyes. Dick had a way with words unlike any other and despite being on the receiving end of them for a while now, you still find yourself becoming alight with emotions because of him.
âSo if youâll excuse me kindly.â Dick says as he takes your hand and walks you both out of the door where he stops to look at you with concern.
âI am so sorry you had to deal with them, apparently money makes someone feel entitled to speaking on someone elseâs relationship.â Dick spat as he glared at the grand double doors and you touched his cheek, making him melt into your touch, kissing your palm.
âItâs okay Dickie bird, letâs just forget this night and go home, get out of these clothes and into some comfy pyjamas and cuddle on the couch as we watch soaps.â You say as you attempt to calm him down from his passionate outburst and declaration of love, which seems to work as Dickâs eyes twinkled with excitement.
âCan we wear the matching pyjamas that I got us and Hayley?â He asks and you couldnât help but kiss his lip, finding him too adorable in this moment in time, which is something of a occurrence as youâd soon find as you reflect back on your relationship. âOf course my sweetie, of course we can wear matching pyjamas.â You replied and Dick cheered as he leaned to kiss you fully on the lip, his happiness having been contagious as you smiled into the kiss.
Damian
Wishes Bruce didnât confiscate the sword from him.
Heâs the type who can silence anyone with a single fucking glare. So when he sees that you, his beloved, was being harassed by the elitist snobs.
Heâs quick to step in and start berating them himself, all dignity and respect has gone out the window for these cretins donât deserve an ounce of it as far as he was aware. âI donât believe that my relationships are your concern,â he begins, âyouâre not kin and thus shouldâve learned at an early age that not every topic of interest requires your out of touch input.â
âWha-â they tried to say but Damian was back on them with another verbal assault.
âAlso I could hear you from across the room, didnât your parents or paid teacher teach you about volume control? or did they get paid extra to not say a thing in fear your fragile little ego gets crushed under the harsh truth?â Damian then spits out as he feels you clinging onto his back, which only fuels his need to berate these vile people as karma.
Damian would be their karma if it was the last thing he did.
The rich people chocked on air, not knowing what to say as it was hard to do so when Damian was staring them down, wanting them to say something, anything so that he could verbally beat them down until they submit. He lives for a verbal spat but unfortunately the people whom heâs up against have never had to fight for their honour and dignity, they just paid people to shut up or have people who encourage their pathetic, self entitled behaviour.
âEnough, donât hurt yourself trying to think with whateverâs behind those pompous eyes of yours.â Damian sneered as he looks to you with a soft look. âLetâs go my beloved, I have already informed my father of the situation and has Alfred come pick us up to take us back to the manor.â He says softly as he takes your hand in his as you both began walking away form the group of gobsmacked rich folks, a sight to behold truly as those entitled Individuals love nothing more then the sound of their own voice.
âWhyâd you do that?â You asked and Damian looked at you as though you grew a second head.
âDo what? Defend your honour, is that not what a lover is meant to do?â He says with a raised brow and you couldnât help but feel a little silly, of course Damian would defend your honour to the death but still insecurities tend to make you forget his undying loyalty.
âYouâre right Iâm sorry, Iâm just being a little stupid.â You replied as you downcast your eyes to the floor and Damian stopped to lift your head up by your chin as his emerald eyes glint with concern. âDo not heed their words my treasure, for they lack a love that isnât in due to money. Ours is genuine, if thereâs anyone who has to fear for our relationship it is me for I am not the easiest to deal with at times.â Damian admits as he lets go of your chin.
âThatâs not true.â You retorted, holding his cheek in your free hand, caressing his cheek. âYouâre perfect the way you are! A work in progress in being even more beautiful than before and Iâm happy to be by your side and watch you grow into an amazing person dami.â You add as you kiss his cheek, making him smile softly as he rubs against your hand.
âSee, this is what Iâm talking about.â Damian says softly. âYou are perfection, a being beyond words and Iâd be a fool if I didnât treasure you entirely.â
Jason
Thatâs it, youâre leaving.
Jason tried to be civil but itâs hard to be civil with out of touch, tone deaf, Botox having, plastic surgery abusing, elite snobs that couldnât fucking lace their own shoes because their filthy money had that be someone elseâs job.
Heâs not fucking staying and neither are you to deal with verbal abuse by people who single handedly have run Gotham into the ground with their shady tactics, personally funding the corrupt police officers, police officers that dare spout words like âprotect and serveâ as though they know the meaning of the fucking word.
Heâs marching over to you and grabbing your hand, intertwining your fingers together as heâs walking you both out of the room, leaving the elites to talk amongst themselves as he guided you outside where thankfully no elite snob can eavesdrop on either of you.
âAre you okay?â He asks you as he holds your face between his hands.
âNo⊠I want to go home.â You admitted, their words cutting deeper than youâd ever think imaginable.
Jason felt anger flowing through his veins but he knew that you needed him more then ever at this moment, so shouting at some elite snobs can wait for another day, you were his highest priority as he brought you into his chest and kissing your head. âThen weâre going home.â He says with certainty.
âWhat about Bruce?â You asked, looking at him with tearful eyes, not wanting their relationship to fracture just as it was slowly starting to mend.
Jason shrugged, uncaring of what the old man would think, you got insulted and he wasnât going to let it slide in the slightest. âFuck Bruce, youâre what matters to me.â Jason says as he kisses your nose, cheeks and lips softly before resting his head against yours. âNow letâs ditch this place and go get ourselves some burgers, how does that sound chipmunk?â
You chuckled. âCan we get some fries too.â
âOf course we can, whatever my sweetheart desires.â Jason replies as he takes your hand again, this time leading you both out of the grand building in a quest to satiate your feelings with the most greasiest of foods.
Tim
Has the most dirt on the elite in my eyes.
Every scandal, every controversy, every crime theyâve committed and gotten away with by covering it up. He has a file as thick as a book on them and heâs not afraid to use it.
And needless to say that the idea to destroy their reputation was more then tempting then ever when he sees that your being harassed. So when he confronts them on their behaviour, he gets really cryptic about how much he actually knows about these people to such an intimate level.
âI know what you did.â Heâd say.
âWhat are you on about?â Theyâd ask, thinking this was all a bit to make them laugh.
âFriday 12th, 12:55am. The incident that cost workers their lives, families whom of which youâve failed to compensate for who are now threatening to take you to court before you dealt with them in hush money. All just so it doesnât leak to the press that you knew what you were dealing with was highly unstable and willingly let those workers in unstable and dangerous working conditions.m Tim watches as their faces drop, preparation visible on their foreheads and he continues on, feeling you squeeze his arm.
âOnly to end up illegally selling the product to unground crime syndicates to make ends meet in due to how much money youâve initially lost.â Tim then says in response, watched as their faces become unsettlingly pale as they excuse themselves while exiting the room.
Heâll say or this or just say âthey are after what theyâre owed.â And leave it at that.
Once heâs satisfied that heâs silenced them and damaged their egos, he looks to you with concerned eyes. âAre you okay lovely?â He asks you as he sees just how small youâve made yourself because of them.
âIâm fine Tim thanks to you.â You said as you hugged him tightly, kissing his cheek as he pats your back before rubbing it soothingly. â I thought they wouldnât shut up, or follow me whether I went just to degrade me for walking or whether else they could degrade me for.â You add as you burrowed your head into his neck, wanting to forget this had ever happened.
âAll you need to remember is that theyâre more flawed and easier to expose, you however,â Tim kisses your temple, tightening his hold, âare more then they could ever comprehend and have more heart and soul then they do and I couldnât be prouder to be your partner. Thank you for choosing me.â He finished.
âIâd choose you every time Tim.â You replied.
âThen expect me to do the same bedside thereâs no one else Iâd rather have them you.â Tim promised as you stayed in this embrace for a good while before deciding to leave and watch your favourite show on his laptop for comfort.
#dc imagine#dc x reader#dc x you#dc comics x reader#dc fanfic#dc fic#dc x y/n#dc fanfiction#jason todd x reader#jason todd imagine#jason todd fluff#jason todd imagines#jason todd x y/n#dick grayson x you#dick grayson imagine#dick grayson imagines#dick grayson x reader#damian wayne x you#damian wayne imagine#damian wayne x reader#damian wayne imagines#tim drake x you#tim drake imagines#tim drake x reader#tim drake imagine
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â€Another astrological observationsâ€
Ps: i am still learning and astrology is a forever learning subject. It may or may not be relatable. :)
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âąÂ° solar return observations °âą
Solar return 7th house- the sign in your 7th house of your solar return will probably be the one to backbitch/backstab youđ. For eg- having Sagittarius descendant, people with sag sun or prominent sag placements are likely going to do you very wrong. đđȘ°
SR Uranus in 1st- an apparent change in the appearance of the individual. Dying their hair, a haircut, change in the makeup looks, joining the gym, having skincare routine, etc.đŠđ
SR Jupiter in the 12th- spiritual enlightenmentđ§ââïž. Could be the time youre very sensitive to the energies of the people. Seeing spirits frequentlyđ». (Hack- wear black tourmaline for the shield against negative energies). This is the time when everything will be clear to you, the intentions of the people, their traits, their habits, their traumađ€ (your's aswell).đœ
SR moon in the 6th- sensitive to other people's words, their criticism, etc. Take care of your health at this time please. Eating disorder. Very moody. Might eat spicy food alot. đ„Č
SR neptune in the 11th- the friends, peers, acquaintances you have, you'll be getting to know about them more clearlyđ in negative way ofcourse, Alot of deceiving, lying, manipulation, taking behind your back, cheating, blah blah blah.đđȘđ©ž
SR Saturn in the 11th- yes you ARE GOING TO LOSE FRIENDS, even the closest friend you haveđ. I honestly LOVE Saturn whatever house it's in because it fucking slaps you so hard that you begin to see everyfuckingthing very clearlyđ€Șđ¶âđ«ïž. Its going to be hard for you but dont worry youre better of with little to no friends than lying poopies.đ©đ
SR venus in the 1st- you're going to be every 2nd person's crush, like literally fr. You're guna appear more ethereal and soft to the other person, maybe innocent too which will make the other person wAnT tO pRoTeCt YoU aT aLL cOsTđ„ș because to them you're vulnerable to the worldđđđđ.
SR mars in the 3rd- alot of fights with your siblings/ cousins/ childhood friends. Way of communication may be direct, more straight forward, could even be a little cruel eheđ€. Probably guna put people in their fucking place. Humbling down people alot.đ
SR aquarius ascendant- very detached from the emotions. Its like giving yourself 5 minutes to feel everything then after that, stop feeling completely until the next year. ORRR.... you could be in your feelings for the 1st or last 6 months then the rest of the year? Nonchalantđ§(could be opposite).Your mood for the year: 'eehh'đ 'Okhay'đ 'Yeah'đ 'Mhm'đ 'No'đ 'Don't'đ 'Shut up'đ 'Can you leave me alone'đ 'Youre so annoying'đ 'Can you stop'đ 'Omg youre a fucking fe/male'đ. Might be the year you'll question your sexuality.
SR lilith in the 4th- watch your closest ones/ own family turn against you just cuz you stood up against their negativity and manipulation. Oof!! đđđTHE BEST YEAR EVERRR!!!đ„łđ€Żđ Sarcasm intented. Theyre going to spread false rumors about you. Play victim card in the situations they create. Its like creating a problem for you to solve.đ§đ»ââïžđ§ââïžđŁ
SR venus in the 5th- will attract ALOT of love interestsđđ„đ§Č but since its a 5th house, it wont be long lasting. For girls: this placement can make guys crazily obsessed with you for monthsss beware as they can note down your every move (3 of my friends had this and the guys ended up following them home, it was scary). For guys: this can make girls want to be with you just bcz everyone wants you, youre the center of everyone's attention (cheating could be involved toođ)
SR Sun/mars/pluto in the 6th- take care of your health because; sun: can make you vulnerable to the evil eyes which could lead you to falling sick frequentlyđȘ°đ§ż. Mars: your anger, impulsiveness, all the othet martian feelings, can make you sick as well, so beware of your surroundings and your mental healthđ. Pluto: the jealousy with this can turn physical real quickâïž. And all three: JUST. TAKE. CARE. đ đ«
SR moon in the 7th- sweeeeettttt cravings will âŹïžâŹïž. Feeling very joyful for no reasonđ. Feeling 'Butterfly in the stomach' frequentlyđŠ. LovesickđâđŠș.
SR mercury in the 5th- you could hear from a friend that a lot of "certain someone's" like youđ. Love to talk about your interests and hobbies. Involvement in frequent get-togethers, random friends meetđđ»ââïž.
SR saturn in the 8th- might deal with your own fears. Could be a triggering year for youđ§.
SR nn in the 9th/12th- frequent travelsđș. Might overthink alot about the world and the life (a lot of what's, why's, who's, how's, etc).
Wherever SR Jupiter is, you're expanding that. Like for eg- 5th house: your interests, might pursue your hobbies, or if you already are, lets say an artist, youll expand your art, the type of drawings you make. 2nd house: your business. Money. Self esteem. Confidence. 11th house: your friend circle, electronics, etc.
SR saturn/neptune in the 8th- out of nowhere setbacks, betrayal, cheating, etc are possible. BUT you WILL receive a news about CERTAIN SOMEONE which will make you question themđ€«. Or youll get to know some f-ed up family secretsđ.
SR Scorpio ascendant- watch people getting intimatedđđ»ââïž. You're guna hear rumorssss about youuuđđ€«. Random guys/girls approaching you with the intention of "hUmBLiNg YoU dOwN" đŁđ© (ykwim).
SR venus in the 7th- randomly, out of nowhere, falling for someone veryyyy haaarrrddđłđ¶đ»ââïž.This usually happens within 3-5 months after your birthday.
Whereas... đ
SR neptune/saturn in the 7th- showing you why you shouldn't haveđ. (If i were you i wouldn't give them a 2nd chance, many people don't deserve itđ§. Pay attention if its their "traits" or "company" either way, you shouldn't forgive them because "traits" are self explanatory, they wont ever change, and if its the "company" affecting them then its guna be tiring for you and trust me you wouldn't want a person who is gullibleđ§đ»ââïž).
SR Uranus anywhere- sudden. Anything sudden. For the better or the worseđ. Out of nowhere. Unexpectedđ. The ex you didn't see? Here s/he comesđ©. Job offerđ. Oldest friend contacting youđââïž.realization about career path. Your personality, your looks. Family dynamics. Home, etc.
SR lilith/neptune in the 1st/5th/7th/8th/10th/11th- people be copying youuuu i seeeeđ. Your secret enemies wanting to be youđ. Copying your style, outfit, skincare. Haircare, haircut, your hobbies, even your career pathđ€Ÿââïž. Amd they'll still have the audacity to TELL YOU how you should be doing *insert what you're good at* đ§đ»ââïžđ§ââïžlike?????. Jealousy runs deeeppp đ¶âđ«ïž.
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
Thank you for reading :) <3
#astrology observations#astro notes#astro community#astro placements#astrology placements#solar return#solar return observations#astrology notes
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Peonies ; part four
Pairing: Theo Nott x Fem!Reader
Summary: Mattheo is in an awful mood after the party while Theo takes reader to the peony field.
Word Count: 4772
Warnings: Unrequited love & Mattheo and Theo get into it. Reader overthinks for a little bit. Mentions of drugging? One mention of Y/n. Let me know if thereâs more!
A/N đ I can't tell you how nervous I am to post this, I feel like it's not my best work. But regardless, I hope you guys enjoy this chapter. As usual thank you to @moonpascal for reading, helping me with ideas, and just providing support and comfort. I love you endlessly!
SERIES MASTERLIST <3
âDid something happen last night between you and Mattheo?â Pansy asks, throwing the door open with an expectant look. Despite your low mood, you canât help but crack a tiny smile at the sight of herâhair a tousled mess, mascara smudged beneath her eyes. Sheâs the perfect picture of someone who had way too much fun last night.
âIs there any particular reason youâre asking?â You reply cautiously, eyes following her as she saunters over and slips into bed beside you. She gives the blanket a hard tug, leaving you to huff in irritation when she claims more than her fair share.
âBecause I heard him and Veronica fighting. I didnât catch much, but I did hear your name.â Pansy looks you over, taking in your rumpled clothes and tired eyes. Youâre not in much better shape than she is, and she can't tell if itâs the lingering effects of last nightâs drinks or the aftermath of whatever happened with Mattheo.
âMerlin,â you sigh, rolling your eyes and sinking deeper into the warmth of your bed. You havenât moved since Theo left about twenty minutes ago, and youâre not sure if youâll find the energy to do so anytime soon. Honestly, the idea of staying curled up here is more tempting than you'd like to admit. âWe got into it again last night.â
âAgain?â Pansy raises an eyebrow, shifting to face you.
âApparently, he does care.â Your voice is dripping with sarcasm and frustration.
âHe told you that?â Pansy shifts so quickly itâs as if youâve shocked her. Both of you know very well that Mattheo isnât the type to open up about what heâs feeling. Years of watching him around his parents taught you whyâwith how many times you had seen them scold him for even a flicker of emotion, it was no wonder he kept everything locked up.
You sigh, staring up at the ceiling, âHe said he wanted me to admit I have feelings for him too.â Pansy's eyes widen, her mouth falling open as she stares at you in disbelief.
âFeeling for him too?â She echoes, and you finally turn to meet her eyes with a weak nod. Your best friend sits there for a moment, studying your face carefully before choosing her next words. She knows she has a nasty habit of saying the first thing on her mind without considering that it might not be what you need to hear.
Pansy sits up, grabbing the pillow she was using and hugging it to her chest as she stares at you impatiently. Sheâs waiting to hear if youâve finally told the boy youâve been head over heels for, for years, that you like him too. âWell? Did you?â
âI couldnât do it.â
âPlease, tell me itâs for the reason Iâm thinking.â She all but begs, her eyes wide with hope.
You let out a weary sigh. âI donât know when I stopped having feelings for him, Pans. I didnât even realize Iâd lost them until he asked me to tell him I felt the same, and there was just...â
âJust..?â Pansy prompts gently.
A pause hangs between you as you search for the right words.
You hardly slept last night; your mind raced with thoughts of the past few months, trying to pinpoint when and how your feelings faded so quietly. You had liked Mattheo for so long, even convinced yourself that maybe you even loved him. But how could you truly love someone who was so closed off? Sure, he turned to you when he was struggling, but that didnât mean he ever shared what he was feeling. He liked your presence and relied on you to be there whenever he needed support, but he never trusted you enough to truly let you in.
Not in the way you wanted, at least.
If he wasnât comfortable with his own emotions, there was no way he would be able to handle yours. Maybe that was the heart of itâthe realization that he would never fully open up to you, and that had kept you from falling in love with him. And maybe that was the best thing that could have happened, no matter how painful or uncomfortable it was to come to terms with at the beginning.
Then there was Theo. Who had promised to help you get over Mattheo, and from that moment on, he was there for you without hesitation. He held your hand whenever you needed it, and honestly, you had begun to lean on him a bit too muchâbeing close to him had become your favorite feeling. He never made it feel like supporting you was a chore; instead, he made it seem like something he had always longed to do.
In truth, everything had changed for you. Spending time with Theo was no longer just a way to distract yourself from Mattheo; it became where you wanted to be. Being around him made you feel safe and accepted in a way you hadnât realized you craved.
And that was absolutely terrifying.
You sit up abruptly, fully facing Pansy, âWhen you said that you thought Theo would give me everything if I let him, did you mean that?â
âBabes,â she begins, sending you a soft smile. âIâve always thought you would be good for Mattheo. You bring something out in him; heâs happiest when heâs around you. Veronica seemed to make him happy at firstââ she adds with a snortââbut nowhere near the level you do.â
âBut with TheoâŠâ Pansy trails off. âIâve never seen you so happyâand not the kind of happy you were with Mattheo. Itâs not the relief of him not having a one-night stand or flirting with you a bit bolder at a party. Itâs genuine happiness; youâre truly yourself. Theo brings out a different side of you, and you do that for him, too.â
Glancing over at the vase of red peonies, battling the tightness in your throat and the sting in your eyes. You decide youâd rather not spend the day in bed.
.·ă.·ăâ·.·â«Â·ă·ă.
Since last night, Theo has been struggling to push away the thought that maybe the idea of you having feelings for him isnât so far-fetched. Especially after youâd implied that the two of you were together to the girl whoâd tried to flirt with him. The way youâd intertwined your fingers with his, staking a silent claim that he was off-limits, had left him reeling. There was no way youâd be so possessive if you didnât feel the same. At least, thatâs what heâd been telling himself all morning.
And then there was the way you hadnât been able to answer Mattheo about your feelings. Theoâs whole heart had been in his throat as he waited for you to tell Mattheo that you did have feelings for him, that youâd had them for years. But you hadnât answered.
In a way, though, you had, hadnât you? Youâd pushed past Mattheo without a word and gone straight to him.
âAre you coming with us to Hogsmeade or not?â Enzo nudges Theo, pulling him out of his thoughts. The boys had all planned to go to Hogsmeade together this weekend, a plan set firmly in stone since last weekend. But when Theo saw you this morning, he couldnât hold back. On impulse, he asked if you wanted to spend some time together, suggestingâalmost shylyâthat he could finally show you where heâd been getting the peonies.
âNo, Iâve got plans.â Theo shrugs, and Draco sends him an irritated look from the opposite couch.
âWe made plans.â Draco huffs, clearly agitated with the change. He always hated it when the boys ditched at the last second.
âSomething came up.â Theo sighs, hoping that heâll let it go quickly. Heâs well aware that Mattheo should be coming down the stairs at any second. Enzo had told them that he was taking forever to get ready, probably hungover from last night.Â
âYou mean your girl.â Blaise corrects, and Draco looks disgusted. His head swings back to look at Theo.
âYouâre ditching us for her? Mate, thatâs pathetic.â Draco scoffs. âShe isnât even your girlfriend.â
âSheâs pretty damn close.â Blaise points out, and Theo tries his best to ignore the feeling that jolts through him when he thinks of you as his girlfriend.
He doesnât have a chance to say anythingânot that he would haveâbefore Mattheo walks over to join the group. He claps a hand on Dracoâs shoulder, only for Draco to shrug him off irritably. âCâmon,â Mattheo says, his tone leaving no room for argument.
As the others rise, stretching and adjusting their robes, Theo remains seated, gaze fixed on the fireplace in front of him. Mattheo pauses, giving him a puzzled look, one brow lifting in question. âYouâre not coming?â
âNo.â Theo answers curtly, clearly uninterested in extending the conversation. The truth is, he hasn't spoken to Mattheo in quite a while, and when they do, itâs nothing but tensionâa quiet frustration simmering beneath each exchange.
Mattheoâs curiosity sharpens. âWhy not?â
âHeâs got plans with his girl,â Draco interjects with a roll of his eyes, impatience seeping into his voice. âNow, can we go? Weâve waited long enough for you as it is.â
âWait. Hold on,â Mattheo turns to face him fully, and Draco huffs when he realizes theyâre not going to be leaving any time soon. âYour girl?â
âYou know what he means.â Blaise interjects calmly, his eyes shifting to Mattheo as he watches tension coil through his stance.
Mattheo gives a casual shrug, though his jaw tightens. âNo, Blaise, I really donât.â
Theo huffs, rolling his eyes as he stands, making to push past. âWhy the hell do you even care?â
Mattheoâs hand snaps out, stopping him mid-step. âYou know why I care.â
Theoâs gaze darkens, voice low. âOh, you mean because of your feelings for her?â He shakes his head in disbelief. âDoes your girlfriend know that you told Y/n youâve always liked her?â
Theoâs eyes flicker over Mattheoâs shoulder, catching the shared looks between Blaise, Enzo, and Draco. Thereâs no shock in their expressionsâonly a knowing look as if theyâd been bracing for this moment all along. Itâs unsettling, the way they seem almost resigned, like theyâve seen the tension building between him and Mattheo from a mile away.
Mattheo scoffs, an edge of irritation slipping into his voice. âDid she go and tell you everything I said?â
Theo raises a brow, âNo, I overheard you. But even if she did, what does it matter to you?â
Matteo narrows his eyes, âBecause I care about her.â
âBullshit. If you cared about her, you wouldnât have put her in that position last night.â
âI care about her more than you think.â Mattheo bites out, and the boys watch carefully as Mattheo takes another step forward.
âRight,â Theo scoffs, âYou care so much you went and found yourself another girl.â
Theo sees it before Mattheo even speaksâthe subtle shift in his expression, the tightening of his jaw, the flicker of defensiveness flashing in his eyes. âI wasnât ready toââ
âSo you werenât ready for her? But you were for Veronica? I donât get it. You canât just expect her to always be there when you finally figure out what you want.â
Mattheo laughs in disbelief, âI wasnât waiting, Iââ
âThen what the hell were you doing?â Theoâs voice sharpens. âYou had years to tell her how you felt, and you didnât say anything. Then you get a girlfriend, she starts spending time with me, and all of a sudden, you care? Leave her alone and quit messing with her.â
âIâm not fucking messing with herââ
âYou are. Youâve been doing it for years.â Theoâs eyes flash with frustration, and suddenly he feels the urge to make it clear that he wants youâthat he always has, and Mattheo isnât the only one. âShe deserves better than someone who canât make up their mind. She deserves to be someoneâs first choice.â
Mattheoâs expression hardens and his tone drops. âAnd thatâs you?â
Theo doesnât have the chance to answer, because Veronicaâs shriek causes both their heads to snap in her direction, âMatty!â
Theo watches as Mattheo steps back, anger giving way to frustration, a quiet curse slipping from his lips at the sight of his girlfriend. Veronica strides forward, pushing right past Blaise and Enzo without a second glance. Blaise shoots her an agitated look, irritation flashing in his eyes as she barrels through.
âI thought you said you guys were going to Hogsmeade.â Veronica smiles, reaching out to take Mattheoâs hand, but he subtly pulls away, dodging her touch with a flicker of impatience in his eyes.
âWe are.â He grumbles under his breath, but Veronica keeps smiling sweetly, unfazed, as if her boyfriend hadnât just blatantly brushed off her attempt to hold his hand. Mattheo turns to leave, muttering something to the boys, likely a brief comment about their plans.
Theo watches as an agitated Mattheo strides out of the common room, with the boys trailing behind him. But the boys glance back at Theo, their expressions a mix of caution and confusion. Theo turns to leave as well, but Veronicaâs voice stops him, soft and pointed, just loud enough for him to hear.
âYou should tell your girlfriend that last night was a mistake,â she murmurs, a sympathetic smile tugging at her lips. âMattheo thought she was me; you know how he gets after a few too many drinks.â
Theo thinks about correcting her, letting her know that he doesnât really know what she means at all. From what he saw last night, Mattheo was tipsyânot that drunkâand Theo has had enough years of experience to tell the difference. But instead, he shrugs it off, deciding heâd rather find you than spend any more time in the common room.
.·ă.·ăâ·.·â«Â·ă·ă.
âHogsmeade is that way.â You say, a bit confused, gesturing in the opposite direction as you walk beside Theo.
âI know.â He replies simply, his gaze flickering back to the trail that youâve never gone down before. Honestly, you had no idea it even existed. Itâs evident that this path isnât used often, as moss and grass have claimed most of the walkway. Vibrant wildflowers dot the sides, their colors brightening the greenery around them.Â
Heâs been quiet for most of the walk, which feels strange; youâre not used to this side of him. The more time youâve spent with Theo, the more heâs opened upâsharing memories of his late mum, the weight of his fatherâs expectations, and his hopes for the future. These walks, where you slowly unravel each otherâs stories, have become your thing, something that only the two of you share.
You frown slightly, glancing at him as you try to piece it together. âBut I thought you said you got the flowers from a shop.â
âI never said that.â Theoâs lips curve into that soft, gentle smile that never fails to send your stomach into a flutter. âI said Iâd take you with me the next time I went to get some. I never said it was in Hogsmeade.â
It takes you a second, too enamored with the view in front of you for it all to click. The walk isnât long, but as you continue down the path, you spot a patch of red ahead. It stands out against the greenery, a cluster of flowers blooming a pretty, vibrant hue. You canât quite tell what kind they are, but when you glance at Theo, you notice the way his eyes flicker nervously, and it suddenly feels like youâre walking toward something important.
But then it hits you all at once: âTheyâre peonies.â
On instinct, you grab Theoâs hand, giving it a playful tug to urge him along toward the blooms. He lets out a soft laugh at your enthusiasm, and a warmth fills you as his earlier mood seems to lift, the tension in his shoulders fading.
When you reach the edge of the flower field, you pause, still holding Theoâs hand as your gaze lingers over the vibrant blooms stretching out before you. Theo glances at you, heart beating a little faster as he wonders what youâre thinking, but he brushes aside his nerves and releases your hand, shrugging off his jacket to lay it carefully on the ground. You murmur to him, urging him not to squish any of the flowers, and Theo smiles, his expression softening as he gently reassures you that he wonât.
There isnât much room on his jacket, so you find yourself pressed against Theoâs sideâthough you donât mind in the slightest. Heâs leaned back on his hands, while you sit cross-legged beside him.
The quiet is soothing, broken only by the soft chatter of birds and the occasional hum of an insect drifting from flower to flower. The warmth of the sun on your skin feels heavenly, its heat a welcome contrast to the long, cold months that have passed.
âIs this why you left? The first night you stayed with me?â You ask, glancing to the right to watch his reaction.Â
From where youâre seated, you can see how the sunlight catches every small detail of his face, highlighting any imperfections. Thereâs the faint mole on his cheekbone, his dark lashes that youâre secretly jealous of, and the thin scar along his chin from when he fell off his broom as a kid. Another mark splits through his browâa scar whose origin he could never quite remember, but has always just been there. It tugs at you, knowing you can recall the origins of his faded scars. It might seem trivial, but it means heâs let you in, sharing parts of himself that not everyone gets to see.
Theo nods, âI had to go early in the morning to give them to Pansy. With practice later, it was the only chance I could.â
A smile creeps onto your face as you imagine Theo, slightly awkward but determined, handing over the bundle of flowers and the little card to Pansy, who no doubt teased him relentlessly. Youâd had wondered how she noticed that Theo was different with you, especially when most of your time together was just the two of you. But now, hearing this, you understand perfectly how she recognized a side of him that only seems to surface around you.
âI didnât want to leave, yâknow.â Theo continues, finally glancing over at you, and the effect is instantâthose watercolor eyes meet yours, sending a flutter through your stomach as you instinctively lean closer, feeling yourself melt into his side.
âThe flowers made up for it,â you tease, a soft smile tugging at your lips. âAside from you, they were the only thing that made me feel better.â
âYeah?â Theo glances down at you, tucked into his side, a satisfied smile tugging at his lips. Hearing you say the flowers meant something to you eases any nerves he hadâbecause they were never just a way to cheer you up. They were his quiet, unspoken way of telling you that he was there, that he cared. And that, despite your feelings for Mattheo, he was an option too.
âYeah.â You confirm.
For the rest of the afternoon, you and Theo sat together, talking about whatever came to mind as you picked flowers. You gathered a few, but mostly you watched as Theo picked the ones he liked the most, adding to the small bundle that sat between you both. Watching him carefully select the prettiest flowers, knowing he was going to give them to you, made something shift inside you. If you hadnât fully realized your feelings before, you were certain of them now.
You lost track of time with Theo, but eventually, he had to leave for practice. He handed you the freshly picked flowers and walked you back to the castle, stalling as if reluctant to say goodbye. In the end, you pressed a soft kiss to his cheek and murmured a quiet âthank you.â You didnât want to say goodbye either, but you couldnât bring yourself to be the reason Theo might get into trouble.
It wasnât until you got back to your dorm, leaning against the door with a giddy squeal, the flowers pressed to your chest, their scent lingering in the air, that the realization hit you. You shouldâve kissed him. The thought made your stomach dip with excitement, and for a fleeting moment, you entertained the idea of running after him, catching him just before practice, and kissing him. Absentmindedly, your hand rises to trace your lips, lost in your racing thoughts.Â
Youâre so caught up in the moment that you donât notice Pansy at her desk, watching you with an amused look.
âYou look like you had a good time.â Pansy smirks as you startle and send her a look before pushing away from the door.
âPansy, Iâm fucked.â You whine and she lets out a loud laugh.
âYou were from the second he stayed the night with you.â You pause for a moment, letting the realization settle in, and as it does, you know sheâs right. You couldnât remember the last time you felt so safe with someoneânot in the way you did that night. Sure, you felt safe with Mattheo, but it wasnât the same. It didnât compare to the way you felt when you were with Theo.
âDid you know heâs been picking me flowers?â You ask instead, setting the new bundle onto your desk before turning to face Pansy.Â
âOh, I knew.â Pansy hums, a knowing smile tugging at her lips.Â
âHow did I not notice?â You wonder aloud.Â
âYou were a little distracted.â Pansy shrugs, and you nod in agreement.
After Pansy tells you sheâs meeting Blaise after practice, you briefly wonder if you should go with her. You sit on your bed, lost in thought, weighing the decision, but before you can make up your mind, Pansy is already gone.
As much as you want to see Theo, you hesitate, not wanting to assume that today meant as much to him as it did for you. Itâs clear from the fact heâs been picking you flowers that he has feelings for you, but you donât want to get ahead of yourself or risk ruining something before it has a chance to begin. So, you stay in your dorm, trying to focus on an assignment youâve been putting off for far too long, though your mind keeps drifting back to him.
So when you hear the knock, your heart skips a beat, and before you can think, you're off your bed and rushing to the door. You know exactly who is on the other side and your stomach flutters in anticipation. You pause just before opening it, taking a deep breath to calm the flutter of nerves in your stomach, willing yourself to appear composed.Â
You pull the door open, forcing a casual smile as you try to sound unaffected. âHi,â you say, though your voice betrays the excitement simmering just beneath the surface.
Theo stands in front of you, one hand holding onto the doorframe. His hair is a tousled mess, and his cheeks are flushedâwhether from practice or the rush of seemingly running here, you canât quite tell.
And when he looks up at you, heâs out of breath and looks downright impatient, âIâm sorry.â
âYouâre sorry?â You pause, thrown off and completely caught off guard. That was not what you expected him to say, and your mind spirals into the worst possible conclusions. Was he regretting what happened earlier? Apologizing for showing you the flowers, or for picking some for you? Giving you flowers at all? Maybe his feelings for you werenât strong enough, or perhaps he only thought he had them? The thought that it could be too soon after your feelings for Mattheo crossed your mind, even though youâd started moving on from him months ago, gnaws at you.
âIâm sorry,â he repeats, releasing the doorframe and stepping forward, one step, then another. He pauses, giving you a moment to pull away if you need to, but you stay rooted to the spot, unable to move. Theo stands so close now that you have to tilt your head back slightly to meet his gaze. He reaches up, and your breath catches when his thumb gently brushes against your cheek, his hand settling just below your ear. His voice is quiet, but the weight of his words makes your heart stutter. âI shouldâve kissed you, dolcezza.â
He doesnât give you a chance to respond, his thumb tracing slow, deliberate circles on your skin as he steps even closer, his breath warm against your cheek. His words tumble out in a rush, desperate and raw. âAll through practice, all I could think about was you. The moment I walked away, I just wanted to turn around and kiss you.â His voice drops to a whisper, low and thick with a longing that sends shivers down your spine.
You murmur his name softly, but heâs barely listening, his gaze intense as he leans in slightly, his lips just inches from yours. âFuck, you've been on my mind for monthsâyears, if I'm being honest. I feel like Iâm losing my mind, wondering if you feel even a fraction of what I do.â His hand still lingers at your cheek, his thumb brushing against your skin, the warmth of his touch sending a tremor through you as if heâs waiting for somethingâwaiting for you to say what heâs too afraid to ask.
Itâs you who closes the distance, your lips meeting his in a sudden, fervent kiss that catches him off guard, pulling a surprised moan from deep in his throat. His body reacts instantly, his free hand snaking around your waist, pulling you closer, pressing you against him. The sound he makes causes a rush of warmth to flood your veins. Heâs hardly touched, and youâre already too warm, and your knees threaten to buckle beneath you. You let him guide you backward, the pressure of his hand firm against your back until your steps falter just inside your dorm. Every inch of him feels like fire against your skin, and your previous worries fade into nothing.
Once youâre inside, he kicks the door closed with a thud but the sound barely registers. Without any hesitation, he presses you back against the door, his body close enough that you can feel the heat radiating off him. But you want him closer. So much closer. One hand rests flat against the door beside your head, while the other cups your cheek, his thumb brushing gently over your skin. Then, itâs him who leans in, his lips meeting yours in a slow, deliberate kiss that deepens with an aching intensity. Thereâs no rush nowâjust an overwhelming wave of longing, a perfect culmination of the emotions youâve both held back. Your head spins, your heart races, and youâre certain that if you could take your temperature in this moment, it would be burning hot.
But then, slowly, he pulls back just enough to break the kiss, his breath heavy and uneven. His forehead rests against yours for a moment, both of you struggling to catch your breath. You feel the urge to close the distance between you again, to press your lips to his, because thereâs something about the way Theo kisses that leaves you breathless, already craving more. But then again, maybe itâs just himâthe way his touch makes a thrill course through you.
âI wanted you to kiss me before you leftââ
The door jolts against your back, halting you mid-sentence as Pansyâs voice cuts through the moment. âWhat the hell? Open the door.â You hold your breath, hoping that if you stay silent, she might forget the whole thing and simply go away.
But thatâs wishful thinking: âBabes. Please open the door."
âI thought you were hanging out with Blaise.â You call back, stealing a glance at Theo, whose expression mirrors your own surprise. Before leaving practice, heâd told Blaise to keep Pansy distractedâhe wanted time with you because he had planned on telling you exactly how he felt about you.
âItâs about Mattheo.â Your brows raise is surprise at the intensity in Pansyâs voice and you fling open the door without another thought.
âWhatâs wrong?â Theo stands behind you, watching the way your face turns nervous.
âVeronicaâs been giving him a love potion,â she says softly, her eyes studying your face as it twists in disbelief. âHeâs in the infirmary... and heâs asking for you.â
please please please consider reblogging or leaving a comment! it keeps me motivated to write, and reblogs help to spread my work đ€
#theo nott series#theo nott fluff#theo nott angst#theo nott x fem!reader#theo nott x you#theo nott x y/n#theo nott x reader#theodore nott x slytherin!reader#theodore nott x you#theodore nott x reader#theodore nott x y/n#theo nott fic#theo nott imagine#theo nott fanfiction#theo nott#theodore nott series#theodore nott fluff#theodore nott fic#theodore nott fanfiction#theodore nott angst#slytherin boys
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Jazz wouldnât lie when he told Prowl that this was weird to him. His new body was both perfect and terrible. Not that Shockwave and Wheeljack werenât good at what they do! Just that⊠it would take some getting used to. The visor, he was nearly 100% certain had been at Prowlâs request though. Something familiar to orient himself with. The rest of him was⊠Prowl had said it was a ghost of a Polyhexian frame. Some city on Prowlâs home planet.
Well, Polyhexian with doorwings. That had been one of Shockwaveâs additions apparently. Jazz⊠didnât know how to feel about them quite yet. Walking had been a challenge for a bit as he reacquainted himself with his sense of balance because of them. They were⊠very sensitive. It made him understand a lot of Prowlâs early interactions with him even more.
âWhat are you thinking about?â
And apparently, his mech partner (lover?) could read them like they spoke a whole other language.
Jazz lifted his visored gaze away from his hands (servos now, they were called servos). Prowl was watching him, those doorwings of his twitching where they were lifted high behind him. Eager. Cautious. Jazz studied Prowl further, tracing glowing white eyes (optics) over the otherâs face. Now that he could properly see Prowl this up-close he could see all the tiny micro-expressions the other gave off. The way his blue eyes (optics you fucker) seemed to cycle and turn while he pondered in something, the way his mouth twitched in a light frown in concern and worry.
Jazz smiled softly. He may not have many positive thoughts on his new body at the moment, but he did have a few. This biggest one being his size. He reached up to cup Prowlâs face with his hands (~servoooos~). He watched as his counterpart melted into the touch, doorwings loosing their tension. Jazz could feel his own spread out a bit behind him, fanning like a halo.
âThis body will take some getting used to, butââ Jazz cut himself off as he leaned forward a bit from his spot on Prowlâs desk, placing a gentle kiss on the corner of Prowlâs mouth. âI am more than up for the challenge.â
Prowlâs servos lifted up from where he had bracketed Jazzâs hips on the desk, cradling Jazz close. One servo on the junction of his neck and jaw, the other on his waist. Prowl tipped his head to correct the half kiss that Jazz had given him, pressing forward to full on devour the other. Jazz felt something inside of him purr in glee.
Audibly. Might he add.
It caused him to jump a bit, flinching in Prowlâs hold. The Cybertronian laughed against his mouth as he pulled back from the kiss.
âItâs an engine. It revved due to an emotional and physical response from you,â Prowl explained with a soft smile, tipping their foreheads together.
Jazz offered a small smile of embarrassment as he resettled his hands on Prowlâs chest. He did miss the otherâs mech form, but he couldnât deny that his old form from when they first met was prettier.
âYouâll have to teach me. I only know some cause you told me âbout them,â Jazz hummed lightly.
Prowl smirked at him, and the little ball of light in his chest (his spark, thank god he had one) flipped. Prowl pressed forward, tipping Jazz onto the desk so he was on his back, doorwings flared out. Jazz swallowed, feeling his engine rev again in response. Prowlâs smirk seemed to grow a bit, that field of emotions that Prowl described to him growing in joy and wistful possessiveness.
âI plan to. After all, youâre finally the perfect size for everything I dreamed of,â Prowl purred at him, a joyful smile creeping across his face at Jazzâs laugh.
âYouâre just âappy Iâm smaller than you by a bit. So you can drag me out of danger,â Jazz snickered as Prowl leaned down to rest their foreheads together again.
â96%. Iâm happy youâre alive. That I have the chance to share eons with you. Iâm happy I can court you properly. Humans have such finite lives. I was so afraid I had lost you forever,â Prowl whispered, smile going soft and sad as he cradled Jazz close.
Jazz couldnât help but echo the bittersweet feeling. He will lose his connection with Earth because of this choice Prowl had made. Jazz wasnât angry, far from it, but he was sad that there would be a part of him grieving his connection with his home. Jazz lifted his head to place a kiss to Prowlâs red chevron.
âIâm here. Donât plan on going anywhere, Prowler. Youâre all I need,â the human turned Cybertronian whispered, pressing out his EM field to give Prowl that reassurance.
Prowlâs own engine rumbled in peace as he leaned over his desk, just holding Jazz close from where he was sprawled across the furniture. It wasnât perfect. There were things theyâd need to discuss, and issues they would need to resolve, hopefully something a few visits to Ratchet and Wheeljack could help fix. It wasnât perfect, but it was theirâs.
And that was enough.
OH MY FUCKING GOD??? Oh THIS IS SO
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