#i am in. a not good place rn i feel uncomfortable posting this especially being Less Active but like. .. yeah

[mxbitters]

why is it that financial aid doesnt cover taking one class. why is it that having adhd and not having access to technology and not being able to afford a textbook and getting dropped from a class for lack of participation (because you Can Not and also the workload for the class is SO very heavy) suddenly disqualifies you from any sort of financial assistance suddenly making you owe almost $800 (which you do not have) which further distracts you from paying attention so you can pass that class and not waste that same almost $800 and uh yeah

anyway i am ever so very financially In Trouble uh if anyone wants to be a bud and have my eternal gratitude.. $lunchpunk

[autisticandroids]

@pingnova replied to this post:

One of the things I like the most about your interpretations of spn and destiel is that they're both "bad people" and that's interesting. I was explaining to a friend how I loved some comedies bc all of the characters are "bad people" so when the slapstick and pettiness happens back and forth I can just laugh at all of them. it goes further for me (all humans are flawed and probably seem irredeemable and disgusting to someone else, no matter what). but I have never…

…been into interpretation that relies on characters being "right" or essentially perfect and sinless. I find drama between sinless characters utterly boring and contrived. I like characters that are messy and human. its a good reminder for me about myself and makes entertaining stories. sometimes when i talk about a character friends mistake me for criticizing them because I talk about their flaws. nah, I think it's great they're assholes. they're fictional, the only..

...place I want to deal w assholes in my life. stories are just complex bad people getting tangled with other complex bad people. my fave spn character outside cas is Meg, to the shock of many. I have given up explaining it to most people lol. "but she's bad!" yeah ok I thought it was hot? and kind of funny. I don't feel like explaining rn. 😅

oh thank you! this is something i always put a lot of thought into. like, one of the things that frustrates me about fandoms generally is i think the rough edges tend to get sanded off characters. like, some characters are vilified, yes, but that happens as a result of other characters getting herofied. like, if characters we're meant to like and root for can't be mean and self-serving and destructive, then to create conflict, one must invent flat, cartoonish villains to pit them against.

actually, as a sidenote, i was talking to @spriteofmushrooms on the phone the other day and trying to come up with a working definition of "darkfic" and we ended up deciding that it seems to mean "fic where characters are allowed to have unacceptable desires and motivations." and that's not exactly what it is, darkfic is hard to pin down, and it has some stylistic and genre conventions that are its own. for example, the first church at the end of the world by @withbloodstainedclothingon is a fic i love, and a really vicious and uncomfortable and vicious character study on both dean and cas (but especially dean). it is also unabashedly darkfic, and the reason it expresses the things it wants to express about cas through cas running like a misogynistic cannibalism sex cult is because one of the conventions of darkfic is a kind of aggressive edginess. that isn't a criticism, it's just saying that had the fic been working in a different genre, the author might have chosen a different method. or another example, my fic i fold in half so easily and @twoheadedcas' fic samson went back to bed are both kind of similar in various ways. they're both attempts to take late seasons canon seriously, attempts to reconcile with the position cas is in re: dean and jack in the late seasons, and attempts to put cas through a meat grinder. and they're both, i would say, darkfic. i know for a fact i didn't really start out with ifihse intending to write darkfic, and while melanie (hiiiii) might correct me here, there's a good chance they didn't either while writing swbtb. these are just the places one is naturally led to when engaging with the late seasons seriously. but there's a big difference between ifihse and swbtb in terms of: i am, on the balance, a darkfic writer. a lot of my fic is out and out darkfic, and even when it's not it tends to contain darkfic stylistic habits. @twoheadedcas has written a bit of darkfic in their tenure, but on the balance, they mostly write non-darkfic. so if you compare ifihse to swbtb, despite their tonal similarities, and despite the fact that both were written (in my opinion) primarily as pure reactions to canon, ifihse has some of the hallmarks of being a darkfic (in particular the emphasis on cas' erotic pleasure and his discomfort/ambivalence about it; darkfic tends to be even smuttier than normal fanfics and that smut tends to be both kinkier and more inclined to play with the lines of emotional comfort and consent), while swbtb has some of the hallmarks of being a non-darkfic (the best example is dean and cas sharing a sweet almost kiss in the middle, which is absolutely a classic destiel fic thing). this is actually one of my favorite things about samson went back to bed: in darkfic that is written to be darkfic, no matter how seriously and genuinely it engages with canon and the characters, there will always be the feeling that there is a finger on the scale, tilting characters to be just a little nastier, grosser, more evil. but non-darkfic is usually skewed the other way: the characters are skewed to be more comfortable and palatable. by aligning itself with non-darkfic, samson went back to bed legitimizes the dark interpretation of canon it presents by saying "i am not skewing things to be worse. i might even be skewing things to be better. and yet we're still here." which i think is cool.

but that's kind of the crux of the thing, isn't it? most darkfic is just a twisted mirror of most non-darkfic. instead of flattening characters to be better than they are, making them paragons of virtue, it flattens them to be worse than they are, making them cartoon villains. obviously, this isn't true of all darkfic, i am a great enjoyer of darkfic and frequently write it myself. there's plenty of good darkfic out there. but if sturgeon's law applies double to fanfic, it applies triple to darkfic. and i think it's because there is this inability, in fandom, to imagine that these beloved characters could be bad people. which means that non-darkfic tends to portray them as flat heroic figures. but it also means that darkfic tends to start from the premise "haha what if (character) was EVIL" rather than recognizing the ways they already kind of are (and the ways in which they are good, as well). both non-darkfic and darkfic frequently hold this black and white mindset, it's just a lot clearer in darkfic because darkfic always sets out to engage with darkness, whereas a lot of non-darkfic is just about things other than whether characters are "good" or "bad," and even when it's about characters' morality, it's usually less contrary to the canon, so there isn't as much emphasis on it or time spent contemplating it. so it's less in your face.

but yeah. i put a lot of work into taking the characters of supernatural seriously as complex and morally suspect people. that's what's fun to me. i find the other way kinda boring. i'm glad you enjoy what i'm selling :3.

(for some supplemental reading check out this post by @astermacguffin)

[rosetheocto]

🐙 Super Cool Intro Post 🐙

Hello!! You can call me Rose! I’m a self taught artist! (that barely posts art lol)

Dunno where exactly on the Aro/Ace spectrum I’m at, but it’s definitely somewhere!

I have Autism, ADHD, OCD, and probably some other kinds of anxiety disorders with a bit of other mental health issues mixed in!

She/Her, I’m a minor!

Feel free to send me asks about anything!! I’m more than happy to have an excuse to yell about my interests, headcanons, and AUs!

‼️ Please immediately tell me when I do something wrong!! I promise I have good intentions, but I’m also not the smartest person out there! I tend to be very unaware and forgetful at times, so I may realize right away when I say/do something stupid/offensive!! ‼️

Interests, DNI’s, and Some Other Things under the cut :]

Some Stuff I Like!! :0

Failboat (more specifically, Failboat’s Miitopia series, commonly shortened to “Failtopia”)

Splatoon

ChipDoesThis (I’m actually a moderator on his livestreams!)

Eeveelution Squad

Among Us + Among Us Logic (I don’t support GT/Newscape nowadays, but AUL always has a special place in my heart)

Spooky Month

The Henry Stickmin Collection

My Little Pony (both FIM/G4 and ANG/G5)

Pokémon (but almost exclusively Gen 6/Kalos, love those lil dudes)

That’s far from all of them, but those are some of the main ones rn! (i have a ton of interests)

Obligatory DNI List

Basic criteria (homophobic, transphobic, aphobic, ableist, racist, MAP, pretty much just “don’t talk to me if you suck”)

Supporting genocide of any kind (it should be obvious what this is about, I shouldn’t need to say it. if you agree with what they’re doing then get off my blog)

Support ships with pedophilia, incest, and other things of that nature. (i just simply don’t like that kind of content, and i do think can affect reality.)

NSFW accounts (i am a minor, self explanatory)

NFT supporters + Most AI Art/Writing/Voice Acting supporters (really depends on context for me, but a lot of the time it just takes away from actual creators)

Treating real people like fictional characters (giving real people “headcanons”, shipping real people, etc. especially when they have said in the past that they are uncomfortable with it)

Some Other Things

I use tone indicators! And I’d appreciate it if people use them with me! (If that for some reason is something you don’t like then uh, idk do what you want lol)

I’m a multishipper!! (I love shipping. I love shipping sm. Especially Failtopia ships, for some reason)

I occasionally reblog FNF and Steven Universe stuff! (I know how some people feel about those fandoms, so I’m still putting it out there!)

I am very critical of media I like! (I promise I genuinely love the stuff I criticize most of the time, but being a hater can be fun lmaoo)

The Tags!!

Rose’s Super Epic and Cool Art (art tag)

Ask the Octo (ask tag)

(Last edited September 9th, 2024)

[beepyscircus]

Big-ish infodump on Caustic rn because I surprisingly haven’t talked about him surrounding my AU/ kind of rewrite of Apex??

(With some doodles ig)

So this whole thing started out with me just not liking the Medusa arc that much or the mole arc and then I looked into it some more and realized Caustic is horrible representation for ASPD, I’m in no means an expert, but I know being a violent murderer isn’t exactly one of the symptoms 💀

Then I just- hated his relationships throughout the game

So much unnecessary drama between him and the others that could’ve been either avoided or resolved completely, and I’m aware the fact is that it’s drama, but it’s bad drama, imo at least, and I wanted to revamp Crypto and his relationship especially since I’m tired of tropes with transracial siblings not getting along and the fact that many poc, understandably, felt like it was racist, and I’m not even gonna blame them because it feels like that sometimes, I want their relationship to stay complicated but I don’t want them to completely hate each other. I feel like they’d be kind of awkward for the most part I just want the fuckers to be relatively happy and all respawn is doing is making me mildly uncomfortable with every update about them.

Besides that, I’m working on why/how he becomes involved into death and such to even kill people in the first place, but other than that he’s almost completely developed

He’s still killed people he just kind of stopped I have no idea how to explain it rn he is a very complex and weird guy alright-

He still experiments on people, though it’s mostly bodies, kind of like how it’s- I think is hinted at during the mole arc??? I can’t tell what was happening in that comic tbh I just think it’s an interesting idea for him to get his stuff from shady places and shit, I still have to catch up on the older chapters because I joined right in the middle of the shitstorm

I’m also trying to develop his relationship with other legends that isn’t just hatred

For example he’s friends with Wraith kind of, (it gets shaky after his fight with Wattson which still happens because I’m not trying to make him a complete good guy or smthn), Bloodhound, Gibraltar, Fuse, and Mirage. (Pathfinder too but he’s friends with everyone so), he ranges from liking the company of these guys to tolerating them, but it’s never always completely the same, because ya know sometimes friends have bad days and that’s fine. I want it to fluctuate because again I’m not like- trying to make him perfect.

I feel like everyone else is either neutral, indifferent, or just weary of him.

I also redesigned him because erm

It’s fun

I actually took most of his design aspects for my AU from one of his beta designs (I literally tried my best to add the specific one I’m talking about but Tumblr literally kept breaking on me)

Because I think it looks very pretty to me

If you look at some of my older posts of him you can actually see me doing this for a while now

Because I have.

I’ve been working on this for- I wanna say 3 years?? Maybe more idk.

I might post some of my older Caustic character stuff when I was first getting into it but some of it comes off as….uhhhh-

Very biased.

Don’t get me wrong I still am it’s just more apparent in my older stuff, I wanna try getting away from that in my AU because uh I don’t like it so-

Anyway

I like re-writing characters it’s a big hobby of mine when smthn about them irks me personally, you can like canon Caustic btw I do too, this is just smthn I mostly do for fun anyway

Most of the stuff I’ve changed about Caustic have all just been personal headcanons (example being he is a trans man) or things that I felt like would make the story more interesting than what they were initially doing (his dad dying of the same cancer he has), I’m not gonna ramble and put them all here but I’m thinking of making separate posts about them or probably rough comics-

Maybe even fan fictions if I’m feeling brave enough, because I have a few.

[ftm-radio]

a plus-sized trans masc's review of various chest containment methods*

*as you can guess from the title, this post will be discussing the chest area, so if this subject & related terminology is discomforting to you, please skip this post & I hope you have a good day 👍🏻

Okay, so I have 4 methods that I bounce between for dealing with my chest and existing as a pre-op trans guy. I'm gonna write a bit about each one, and I have photos of how my chest looks with all four (clothed, ofc) that I will put under the cut for both self conscious reasons and to be considerate for those who'd rather not see them. idk.

oh & quick disclaimer, this post is absolutely not meant to bash any particular binding method or ppl who use those methods, or ppl who don't bind! no one method is superior, some just work better for one person than another bc everybody's different and all that. just tryna share my experiences to maybe help out other folks like me. ✌🏻

Sorry in advance, I'm sure this is gonna be a long post.

Method #1: No Containment

Pros—

easy

free

may be passable as moobs with enough layering ?

Cons—

underboob sweat at 100% strength

chafing

oh god they move so much, why, please don't, i hate this

Wearing just a shirt with nothing else under it is a great feeling at times, but that's generally short-lived and it's not very comfortable in the long run, especially if I'm being active and moving around. Feeling my chest wiggle and jiggle and move around is just so gross to me, so I usually avoid this method.

Method #2: Compression Top (Tomboy X)

Pros—

pretty comfy for everyday wear

prevents the worst of the wiggles

can exercise in it

could probably sleep in it if I wanted to

Cons—

basically just a sports bra tbh

mine is uh.. ~2 years old & pretty worn, probs doesn't "compress" much anymore 😅

heard that this particular company has done some yikes things?? so I'm not super keen on purchasing anything else from them (I don't have details & don't feel like looking them up rn, just mentioning it so you can look it up yourselves if you want)

This is my go-to method for when I'm just hangin out around the house (which is basically every day). just wake up, yank on the compression top, and then I don't have to think about it until the end of the day! I actually got this as a baby-step to using an actual binder bc I was a little anxious about it lol.

Method #3: Full Tank Binder (gc2b)

Pros—

flat chest

full tank contains everything better than a half tank

ngl I appreciate the fact that it kinda helps contain my stomach fat too bc I am ~☆~insecure~☆~ (but working on it)

Cons—

tbh I think my binder is too big specifically in the chest area so it doesn't compress & hold everything in place for very long, esp if im moving around, but I can't size down any smaller bc that's unsafe

the bottom edge of the binding panel makes it pretty uncomfortable to sit & just makes my stomach look weird

can't exercise or sleep in it

can only wear for 8 hours at a time, max

I loved my binders when I first got them, and wore them almost daily, even around the house, because I felt good & happy in them. after a while, though, the constant need to readjust my chest & having to keep checking to make sure it looked alright kinda wore me down and I got tired of it. going to the grocery store and feeling my chest shift around in my binder and being unable to fix it is just not a good time. :(

Method #4: Trans Tape

Pros—

comfortable! (long as you put it on right 😅)

my tiddies are SECURE they are not going ANYWHERE, I can bend over to pull the laundry out of the dryer with no problem, gravity cannot emotionally damage me anymore <3

I feel like I can move and do stuff and be confident w/o having to waste any time or energy thinking about my chest

my chest is approx a C-cup? (and I'm fat) so the tape definitely doesn't flatten me out but it masculinizes the shape of my chest in a way I'm happy & comfy with! yeah i have a chest but it def doesnt look like girl boobs!! I just look like a fat guy! which I am! so I'm cool with it!! hell yeah!

can wear for days at a time (recommended is 5)

can sleep, shower, & exercise in it

no worries about rib damage/breathing problems

when I hug my mom I actually feel it in the middle of my chest

Cons—

can't reuse tape so gotta buy more to keep using it (~20 bucks a roll with shipping iirc?)

there is a learning curve!! first couple times suck & it can be discouraging (I gave up a couple times) and I'm definitely still learning myself how to use this stuff

physically kinda difficult to put on, it's a bit of a workout for me

itchy (especially if you overstretch the tape, try not to do that)

what goes on must come off 🥲 and removal is kind of a pain in the ass because oil is messy and you really have to give it enough time to soak

need to be patient & careful so skin doesn't get damaged in removal

if you damage your skin you have to give it time to heal, no taping for a while

I am quite new to trans tape, literally this is only my third time wearing it as I write this. My first two attempts were pretty rough (application and removal) but I'm starting to get the hang of it and it's becoming less of an Ordeal as I get used to it. there are definitely some less than ideal factors to keep in mind with using this method, but I've found that for me, the positives vastly outweigh the negatives. when I get better at using this, I plan to make it my primary containment method. I know a lot of folks say that using trans tape just doesn't work at all for bigger folks & bigger-chested folks, but that's not necessarily true. I'm proof.

Alright, that's all I've got!

I dont wanna make this a horribly long post, so I'm sure I missed some things but idk this is the gist of it. If you read all of this, I hope you got something from it (or at least don't feel like it was a huge waste of time....) and I hope you have a good rest of your day!

It's totally okay to reblog/reply/interact with this post, just, y'know, have common sense and don't be a jerk!

As I said before, I have photos under the cut to give you a visual for how these different methods look on me & how they might look for you if you're anything like me. Please do not be rude or creepy or gross, alright? alright.

Method #1: No Containment

...........yeah this is what I'm working with, let's just move on and pretend we didn't see this, please & thanks

Method #2: Compression Top (Tomboy X)

comfy & fine for everyday use but I don't love the look. still looks and feels like a feminine chest shape.

Method #3: gc2b Full Tank Binder

flattest results, looks pretty good, but only lasts about five minutes before the tiddies start their constant migration and it gets uncomfy and I have to adjust everything :/

Method #4: Trans Tape

not as flat as I get with a binder, but the goal with trans tape is a more masculine shape to the chest, not flatness, and I think im starting to achieve that even as a noob! my results will probably get even better as I get more familiar with it, but this is already my fave method by far

bonus photo because wearing trans tape makes me happy and i was feelin good:

That's the end-end of the post, so I will once again request that you do not make any rude or nasty comments about me & my body. thanks!

[justlightlysedated]

20 Questions

20 questions, writer's edition, I was tagged by @lambourngb 😊❤❤

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

71! 70 for roswell and one for vagrant queen

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

468, 583!!

3. How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

not entirely sure tbh, but let's count now:

timkon, bandom, glee, specifically pukurt, but some other ships too, merlin, doctor who, torchwood, teen wolf, agents of shield, runaways, the old guard, vagrant queen, and obviously, roswell new mexico

i think there might be more, but i don’t remember rn

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

the cost of greatness, which i cowrote with marlo

a cure i know that soothes the soul (does so impossibly), the first pwp i wrote for this fandom lol

the person that you’d take a bullet for is behind the trigger, which i wrote for marlo

for better or for worse (til death do us part), which i also cowrote with marlo lol

it might be your wound but they’re my sutures, which i also wrote for marlo

so the pattern im sensing here is that my most popular fics were written with/for marlo which sounds about right lol

5. What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

i am not sure tbh, i write some pretty angsty one shots and longer fics, but i TRY to at least give a slightly hopeful ending, tho now that i’m thinking about it, i think the angstiest thing i’ve written was that prompt fill based on the song, for island fires and family, i remember SOBBING the entire time that i wrote it (there is miluca in that one), but ALSO there is the fic i wrote in reaction to the season one finale, which also made me cry, which was called, we both know how this story ends

6. What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

once again i’m not sure, like i said before, i try to give my fics hopeful endings if they’re really angsty, and i love me some hurt/comfort, but i’m not entirely known for writing happy, fluffy fics, tho i do TRY sometimes for certain people

7. Do you write crossovers? If so, what is the craziest one you've written?

yes!! i do love me some crossovers, and i guess i would have to say the malex, sort of doctor who au, i’m technically still writing for tove

8. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

yes??? but i’m not sure if i could classify it, like i’ll write pretty much anything within reason and if it doesn’t squick me out

9. Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

okay, so like don’t hate me, but no, i rarely, if ever respond to comments, i just don’t know what to say at all, like i’m the type of person that really wants every single message to be unique and special, but there are only so many ways to thank someone for reading your fic, so i just tend to post things and then thank everyone for reading afterwards, if there is someone that shows up often on my notifications, or if someone asks me a specific question pertaining to the story, then i will answer, i also answer back if i wrote the fic for someone and they left a comment, and if i’m sent an ask on here about something that i wrote, but i am simultaneously the world's most shy and confident person ever, when it comes to my writing, so i’m so sorry

this doesnt mean that i dont appreciate every comment that i get because i really do, im just super shy and awkward and i may write good-ish, but i do NOT have the same way with words in person

10. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

not really?? if i have i don’t remember it, usually i’m the one who talks the worse about my own writing

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that i know of

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

yes, the only kurtbastian fic i’ve ever written was translated into russian

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

yep!! as y’all probably saw from my top five fics up there somewhere, marlo @bestillmyslashyheart is basically my fic writing soulmate, we just really click when it comes to writing

14. What's your all time favourite ship? to write for?

atm it’s malex, which is more than obvious, BUT before they hijacked my brain and made their home within my neurons, it was skimmons!!! i wrote fic for them for YEARS, even after i stopped watching aos

15. What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, i’m just gonna talk about fics that i’ve posted and haven’t updated and not any of the hundreds of wips that have never seen the light of day, my original witch au tbh, i just, roswell made maria and isobel somehow related, and just made me really uncomfortable with the ship, which is the main reason that i’m not gonna finish the fic if i’m being perfectly honest, there is ALSO that au i had where michael’s daughter from the future comes back to the past and she had been raised by alex, because of reasons that are petty, probably my space opera au as well, and only because i just want to write other things MORE

16. What are your writing strengths?

i think i’m good at describing things, especially kisses, i LOVE writing kisses, it’s one of my favorite things, that and my fight scenes are two of the things i pride myself the most on

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

dialogue, sometimes i feel the characters are ridiculously out of character, but then i don’t care because sometimes in canon characters are also ridiculously out of characters, also describing things, because sometimes i just feel like scenes don’t flow right, i am definitely a comma whore, and use dashes and hyphens in places they definitely shouldn’t be used, run-on sentences are my best friends, also english isn't my first language, so, sometimes the way i phrase things just come out wrong

18. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

tbh completely honest, i follow the nora sakavic method where you just write the dialogue in english like, “hey there love,” they said in perfect french, and i only break this rule if i actually know the language because just translating straight from english always makes things sound stilted and weird

19. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

dc comics, i wrote several timkon fics which i posted on livejournal

20. What's your favourite fic you've written?

oh, i know that love is all about the wind, how it can hold me up and kill me in the end (still i loved it), no specific reason why, i just love it with my entire heart!!

and that's it!! im not gonna tag anyone cause I saw that most ppl were already tagged, but if you want to do this just say that I tagged you!!

[i-amtransexual]

TW// dysphoria. 👍

Don't mind me, just some tired rambling about my expirences with dysphoria.

my chest fucking sucks.

normally, I don't feel dysphoria when I can sense my chest being there. somedays, I can feel it. if I wake up and I can't sense it existing and I don't look in a mirror I know I'm gonna have a good, hopefully dysphoria free day. if I can feel it, I still don't look in a mirror and I just try to ignore the feeling of it.

mirror's, which used to be fun things that I liked, are now really awful sometimes. I used to dress up as a kid, sometimes I was a pirate, one time I was in a dress and a cowboy hat, somedays it was just me drawing on my face with a pen, but mirrors were good. I made up little world and had fun with them, and I could look in a mirror and know "that's me!" Back then, being a girl was fine, and I was comfortable with it. as a kid, girl was good.

now, girl does not fit. it's not just the social constructs of gender that I dislike, it's the fact that being a girl just feels deeply uncomfortable. sure, not being a girl would mean I could kinda avoid sexism, but it's not just that. I grew up knowing that as a girl, life is really fucking tough and I was prepared and good with facing those battle because that's who I was, and I was comfortable in that.

now, I'm not.

everything changed when puberty attacked.

(lol)

now, I look in a mirror and I can't recognise myself. all I can see is "girl body"", and some days I just hate it so much I want to curl into a ball and scream. especially my chest. no, I'm not insecure that I don't fit how the patriarchy expects my body to be, I don't want to make myself more beautiful and to fit in with femmine stereotypes, it's just that anything that says girl when you look at my body is wrong, because it is "inherently" female. I want my body to be

different not because I'm insecure, but because I want it to look how I feel. no one "feels thin and beautiful" as a feeling they wish to attain Karen, fuck off

I don't know if this is normal but even before puberty and all that shit, I couldn't even change in front of a mirror, because looking at myself felt uncomfortable and out of place. I still feel wrong and, dare I say it, dirty and weird for doing it. I feel that my realisation that I'm ace and that people will do anything and everything to sexualise me if they can does not help this. I don't want to be seen as vain and shallow, another reason mirror are not my friend. I feel if I could just have my body match my inside, I would feel fine about looking at myself. (why does that sound so weird pfft)

I hate this. I want to be able to recognise myself in mirrors again. I want my body to fit how I feel. I don't want to feel dysphoric and vain and dirty for 1. having a body that fits me and 2. appreciating my body. I know on what I'll be able to get to a point when I can deal with this, but for now it just fucking sucks.

Thanks for listening, people who have found this post in the internet void, just need to "get that off my chest" (haHAH, I am so sad rn)

Sorry about the lack of Grammer, will edit in morning

[matoitech]

hello u dont have to answer this if u dont want, but ur situation with gender is scarily similar to where im at except im in the mindset that im nb wlw and dont rlly kno whats going on. I guess if u kno how to explain it, I wanted to ask how u made that jump or how u could tell it isnt just a "womanhood is like that" kind of thing and is actually "i am a guy"

oh man i wish i had smth that would make it Click for u easier cuz i def understand being rly confused abt this kinda thing.. i got a few Thoughts, idk if they will help u out but hopefully they give u some more thoughts to chew on that will maybe help anyway. this got so long oh hell sorry gbfhg

i think like the main thing as like a tip b4 we get in2 the Meat of it is it is good to relax and b open to thinking abt bein a guy as a possibility, i dont know if this will make sense bc i do not know how to explain it rly but when i was struggling 2 figure stuff out what i had rly needed 2 know was that being a dif gender can just feel like You (but as u become more comfortable w it, you but happier!) for some reason i thought u had to meet certain criteria to b ‘allowed’ to make what seemed 2 me at the time a Leap but thats not how it works lol. u as u r right now can b a guy if u want to or r considering it. u dont have to feel different and u dont have to think abt ur body a different way or anything. sry if this part doesnt make sense its difficult for me to verbalize lol

it was hard for me personally bc ppl would b like ‘if u Want to b a dif gender than b one’ but like i said in those last posts, for a long time i genuinely did not know i Wanted to be a guy/was a guy, or whatever. i had no conscious longing about it or anything, that came later once i was more comfortable w accepting it. i didnt have ‘i want to be a boy/am a boy’ moments i can rly consciously remember putting into those words as a kid, cuz i just did not care about gender on that level till i was a teenager. like i cannot stress this enough, ur life and feelings abt gender n whatever do not have to match up with what u have commonly heard the trans experience is about. once u figure stuff out and r more comfortable w urself u may look back and notice things that may b like that common trans experience, but remembering this stuff or having these childhood experiences or whatever in the first place is not a ‘requirement’. like i said, no requirements for bein a dif gender

for me like.. knowing it for sure... making the Jump as it were. like its kinda embarrassing but literally the way i Found Out was i was feeling all sorts of things whenever i watched promare and i just felt this INTENSE longing whenever i saw galo that i later realized was just me rly feeling the Gender w him and being envious of that.. it had happened w other chars b4 growing up, but i had never rly noticed to that extent till now. and one night i was thinking my usual ‘i wish i looked like galo i wish i could be a guy’ maybe for the first time in like a Conscious thought, when i had never rly heard it in words b4, and i kinda stopped and was like. what? i WHAT? and then it clicked and it was like a euphoric moment for me. easily top 5 best 2 ams of my life. it is kind of a hyperspecific experience but it is also not UNCOMMON rly lol

also figuring out my sexuality was intertwined in that bc i was iding as a butch nonbinary lesbian and i had tossed the idea of ‘maybe id b more comfortable as a man’ around a bit but the idea of being a straight man didnt feel right 2 me, but luckily i kind of made the connection of wait im a man and im attracted to men at like the exact same time, it had to b both at once for me personally to figure it out and b happy about it. idk if thats smth going thru ur head at all but it was for me and was part of my Journey i guess and may help to think abt it a bit lol

and while yes its absolutely about what makes u more comfortable at the end of the day, i think it wouldve helped for me to hear ppl say that just bc the idea of being a dif gender (in this case Man) might make u feel confused and maybe even uncomfortable rn, that doesnt necessarily mean u r not one if youve been struggling w this and wondering, it might just mean u havent had that clicky moment and r ready to rly think abt it yet. i have grown much more comfortable w myself over time as ive figured this stuff out and i am still open to figuring out more abt myself and i think thats a good place to b at! just b open to stuff like this that u maybe had never thought would have a positive effect on you or make you happier.

speaking from experience i think if ur confused and maybe even miserable telling urself that womanhood is just like that and u gotta suck it up and get used to feeling uncomfortable and bad, u dont have to live like that! im not saying that ‘oh im actually a guy’ is gonna b what everyone who is struggling w thats answer is cuz obviously thats not true- and im not saying how i just described it is even how u feel- but like. as someone who thought that same thing but less consciously. womanhood does not have to be a confusing sad experience, its not an inherently miserable experience, it is possible it just isnt for you and trying smth else might make u feel better. and that can b rly hard to figure out in the moment, cuz ur Used to feeling like this and even if youve heard it can b different it might b hard to have that ‘oh theyre talking to ME, it can be different for ME not just everyone else’ moment lol

also i dont know if this is relevant to u but im saying it in general 2 anyone who needs it i guess; being a man isnt a bad thing and it doesnt make u an inherently bad person, manhood and masculinity r not inherently or naturally toxic or something. thats a harmful mindset to have for multiple reasons and a whole nother post so im not gonna b like and now a word about transphobic red flags but like, worth mentioning that that can b harmful or dangerous to trans ppl, transmascs and transfems.

my god this got rly long... if anyone else has went thru a similar thing and has anything 2 add, feel free to :0 hope i somehow got around to answering ur question w all the rambling! i am just one guy and my experience may or may not b helpful to hear about, especially bc my memory is not the best lol <3 hope it helped at all tho!

[ajokeformur-ray]

A trust exercise of the heart // Arthur x Beck ~ 🥰💖

@earth0racle​ umm my life is kinda getting turned upside down rn so maybe something fluffy about Arty and I slowly finding a found family of other misfits? 

I hope that you like this!💜 Thank you so much for my beautiful piece, I’m going to reblog it with comments once I’ve posted this; I really enjoyed doing this fic swap with you!!! If there’s anything here you’d like changed, please let me know and I’ll get it done for you. Thank you for everything!💚

Word count: 1, 060.

It was a trick. It had to be a trick, there was no other explanation and no other reason as to why you felt as safe around Arthur as you did.

From the very first day that you had met one another in the malfunctioning and frankly dangerous elevator in the apartment complex which the two of you lived in, Arthur had made it clear to you that you could always go to him, for anything. You had observed the way that he couldn’t quite meet your eyes, the shy smile which was growing around the corner of his thin lips, the way that his dark curls, presumably wet from a recent shower, clung to his forehead, those lines so deeply set into his skin, weathered and worn by the world was he. You had seen all of this and logic, quiet was its voice within your racing mind, had told you that you could trust Arthur, that he was genuine in the words that he spoke to you. But anxiety, louder and more demanding, told you that you couldn’t trust him; once bitten and twice shy as the proverb went.

Even still, day after day did you find ways to approach Arthur; you would ask for a bowl of sugar first thing in the morning just to see his dark curls before he slicked them back. Some of his hair would be stuck out in cute tufts which curled along his sideburns. You would knock on his door late at night, when you knew that he had finished work, just to watch The Murray Franklin Show. You didn’t especially enjoy the show but it made Arthur laugh and for that reason did you like it, too, if only for the time that you were watching it. You didn’t trust the way that you felt around Arthur; he felt too good to be true. You had learned the hard way in the past that when things felt too good to be true, they usually were. You waited, for weeks, for something to show that Arthur was somehow less than what he seemed to be, that there was something you didn’t love, but nothing ever showed itself. You were easing yourself into what was developing between yourself and Arthur the way one gets into a bath when the temperature is untested; slowly and carefully did you dip your toe into the very surface of the water. 

Arthur was doing the very same thing that you were. He, too, was unsure if what he was seeing was actually what was happening with you, and so did the two of you lead each other down the new path on which your lives had merged and come together; you would be together for the rest of your lives but neither of you knew that yet. On this day were you sat beside Arthur on the sofa. The Murray Franklin Show was playing on the old television which Penny had won in a radio show several years ago, and the volume was turned down low so that it only really served as white noise in the background. You and Arthur were sat side by side on the worn sofa. There was a sofa spring digging into one of your thighs and every time you moved even slightly upon the sofa cushion did the spring click back into place. The natural chill of the apartment combined with the way that you were always cold meant that you were wearing baggy clothes, which allowed you to wear multiple layers. Relaxed was he that Arthur was only wearing his almost comically baggy electric blue trousers, but his skin was cool to the touch. Used was he to being uncomfortable. 

His apartment was a second home to you by now and more often than not did you stay the night at his apartment. Slowly was your own apartment becoming a place to stay when you weren’t with Arthur, and slowly did you dip more of your foot into the waters of the love which was blossoming between the two of you. Arthur’s hand rested in the small space between your bodies, so closely were you sat together that you could feel the heat of Arthur’s body against your own, and you knew that he wanted to hold your hand but he was just too shy to ask you, so afraid was he of being rejected or of doing something wrong. His opportunity to hold your hand came when you began to pick your nails. There was paint underneath your thumb, from when you had been painting previously in the day, and the feeling of it there was annoying you. Arthur picked up on your stimming immediately and cooed softly in understanding and in empathy, understanding why you were doing it, and he reached over to take your other hand.

“It’s okay, kitten,” Arthur leaned over and pressed a kiss to your cheek, his nose nuzzling against your warm flesh, his dark curls tickling your face as he leaned in, closer and closer, “You’re safe with me. You’re home, Beck.”

Your feelings that what you had with him, that this was all too good to be true, came back and you inhaled shakily. Your stimming picked up as your anxiety began to heighten and you said, “Am - am I?”

“Mm-hm,” Arthur murmured against your cheek. He understood your need for reassurance, he needed it too, and in giving that comfort to you was Arthur able to reassure his own self, as well, “It’s okay to trust this, honey bee. I’m as real as you are.” He moved to sit sideways on the sofa so that he could cup your face in his hands, the calloused pads of his thumbs smoothing over your cheeks, and Arthur pressed a kiss to your forehead. His lips lingered against your skin and he inhaled deeply, the scent of you so completely filling Arthur’s every sense. “You’re safe here, kitten, with me.”

You pushed your face into Arthur’s touch and he cooed, understanding what you needed, and everything he would do this night would be for you, his one and only Beck. He loved you so much and there was nothing he wouldn’t do for you. Finally, finally, had you found your home, your place to go, your safety...

... And so had Arthur.

AF/J @impulsiveclown   @astheworlddturns @fluffedstar @jokersqueenofchaos @germansarechill @tsukiakarinobara  @lynnesm @sagyunaro  @docsportello  @flowerglitterwoman @ben-solos-writing-avenger @jokers-doll @jokershyena @arthurjokersgirl @antonija89 @lilliryth @hotpacino @obsessedandthirsty  @call-me-harley-quinn  @anais-angel

[spelllingandthemysteryschool]

i am so so sorry if i'm being rude or if you don't wanna talk about this but i wanted another opinion :( are you dropping dream permanently? i'm unstanning them for a while but idk how to feel

no you’re good! it really is a disgusting situation and i totally get not really knowing how to feel. i have a lot to say abt this and i’m sorry abt how long this will probably get in advance! i’m tagging it as a long post & i’m so sorry to everyone on my dash

personally i don’t think i’m gonna be listening to them for a long time (if ever) and i don’t care abt any of them rn besides haechan, who was obviously uncomfortable with the situation and didn’t laugh along. as for dropping them permanently...

i think this situation is a good reminder of two things in particular: 1) one shouldn’t baby grown people who should be all rights know better and should instead hold them accountable & not excuse their wrongdoings. but at the same time 2) it’s wrong to hold celebrities to a standard of moral purity because they will always, definitely, most certainly fuck up and u will get hurt!

like ultimately we do not know any of these people and never will. we don’t know what beliefs they hold, how they treat others in real life, what their habits are, and so investing yourself emotionally in idols and celebs as people rather than in their content will always be unhealthy bc we do Not know them and they do Not know us. but kpop specifically is weird because it’s so dependent on illusions of intimacy + familiarity and includes idols’ personalities and lives as part of content too, rather than simply their music and performances. celebrity culture around the world is like this in general honestly

so like. when they fuck up and do something that’s offensive and hurtful and downright nasty, it’s especially upsetting bc u feel like you know that they’re a good person and can’t fathom why they would do something like that. but again. at the end of the day, we really don’t know any of these people! no matter how close we feel we’ve gotten through the sense of “intimacy” their content and connection with fans offers us. the healthy thing to do is to distance yourself and not take kpop too seriously. because you’re really just setting yourself up if u do! 

(especially because i don’t think there’s a single kpop group out there that hasn’t been racist / colorist / misogynistic / etc. in some manner... which is upsetting and also confusing because u have to figure out where u draw the line and how much you’re willing to excuse and whether it’s your place to at all. like there are plenty of groups i listen to and even like that have been anti-south asian countless times and it sucks to have to somehow gauge whether you’re hurt enough to drop them or to turn a blind eye and keep consuming their content.

i don’t mean to erase the very real consequences of acting this way btw because !!! it really IS hurtful and inexcusable and they really SHOULD be held accountable for this sort of stuff. like saying offensive things abt marginalized groups is NEVER something that should be waved off and it disgusts me to see people blindly defending their faves just bc... they like them)

anyway, what i mean to say is: take as much time away from dream as u need & drop them permanently if u feel that it’s right! personally rn i don’t plan on stanning them at all anymore bc what jaemin said was truly disgusting. in time if u end up returning to their music, don’t beat yourself up abt it i guess, but also be sure to watch how much trust you put in celebrities and how much of your time and attention u invest in them. don’t let them serve as an emotional crutch or dictate your mental wellbeing. hold them accountable if they do bad things. and always keep in mind that they’re just people u don’t know and u NEVER know when one of them is gonna be exposed as a bad person!

anyway omg. i’m so sorry this got out of hand. u were probably looking for something more concise 😔

[herotheshiro]

so i haven't read all of bj alex so this could be missing stuff. but i am think there really isn't anything to define MD. like he's always been said to be on of the kinder doms out there but how much exactly has he cared for chanwoo. i get that he is human and you can get wrapped up in your emotions but he went from being feeling guilty and using the safe-word for chanwoo to being petty again. like i get this dynamic can cross into uncomfortable lines in sex but still. like he knows chanwoo

has been abused but at the same time he hasn't done anything to help him. like i get that to a point chanwoo has said he enjoys it but what your doing now when he has maybe in some way thought you that place where he was safe to be bared and open is now being ruined and your just not seeing it. like i think he didn't want to lose that so he didn't tell him he liked him or whatever. MD is still taking advantage of his pain.

[ TW: PHYSICAL ABUSE ]

hopefully you don’t mind me replying publicly (lmk and i can take it down and just resend as private)! and also very sorry this got so long, i really need to learn to be concise for once. put it under a read more so i don’t spam ppl’s dashes with a huge block of text like i probably usually do

i’m not trying to defend asshole behavior but yeah i think it’s challenging to analyze these kinds of relationships as readers who have all the info but characters may not ... chanwoo has never explicitly told MD that he feels genuinely safe with him (iirc he said “i feel best with our current setup aka not dating”) so MD might feel that he’s just basically a (excuse my language) side-hoe that chanwoo doesn’t have any feelings for whatsoever so as a response he acted like that towards chanwoo ... 

i mean as you may have seen from my other posts, i do definitely agree that MD was being a real jerk and chanwoo does deserve to be with someone who is good to him but alas ... it all depends on whether or not you actively work issues out instead of it happening and then pretending it didn’t once it all tides over.

so i’m very happy with the developments in the most recent update though (spoiler if you haven’t read yet ... but chanwoo uses the safeword and MD stops the play immediately and chases the other sub out and verbally apologizes to chanwoo when seeing how upset chanwoo is). i hope the next chapter has them communicating their feelings better to each other and MD acknowledging his shitty behavior!!

re: physical abuse, i personally do not have any experience with it myself (thankfully) nor have i had a friend who’s had to deal with it (that i know of) so PLEASE do not blindly trust my comments on this ... but i would think it’s also very challenging probing into someone’s personal life like that. tbh i don’t remember the scene that well rn but i think MD probed a little and chanwoo was like ‘leave it’ so i think MD was definitely concerned but didn’t want to push to the point that chanwoo would shut down completely (bc i know from personal experience that when someone starts asking too much re: a personal issue i don’t want to talk about i’m not particularly receptive). also iirc, that was the 1st time MD had noticed the bruising and his later confession was an attempt to be like ‘i can help stop that abuse by being a SO who will not abuse you’ which is a little wack but it is what it is. i’m not sure abt the cultural differences bw korea (where this manhwa takes place i assume) and the west re: male physical abuse but it might also be a case where you just assume the guy can handle it himself (especially since i think chanwoo noted that he was usually able to get out of the relationship immediately upon the 1st instance of abuse).

anyhow tl;dr YES i do agree that at the first symptom of abuse you should definitely report it or say something to someone who could potentially do something constructive about it, but sometimes in the moment people may not do it bc it is a scary thing to do with a lot of social connotations. you are very welcome to disagree though, especially since i am talking mostly in theory and not as someone who’s had to deal with such a thing irl. but i do stand by this motto “it’s better to lose a friend than lose a life”

i feel weird with this reply bc i feel like half of it was me “defending” problematic behavior but of course i don’t condone ignoring abuse, i don’t condone being an ass just because you got rejected ... but it depends on how it’s handled in the story. some stories romanticize it, some stories don’t. and readers have access to info that in-story characters don’t so we have differing opinions of what’s happening. of course we have to note that chanwoo’s side story hasn’t finished yet so i’m holding out hope that the author will say what needs to be said.

thank u if you read all the way up until this point, i appreciate you sending me your comments!

[nyrator]

Some more art thoughts and ramblings, about Rotten Nyan and anxiety again.

Man, anxiety is weird. Been reflecting on it again today while trying to draw the first RN-related thing in a while.

I think one factor in it is the weird mindset I get into when drawing Lave, especially Middle Lave. This comic I feel is a good reference to what I mean:

https://www.awkwardzombie.com/comic/creative-expression

Except, instead of just facial expressions, it’s emotions, too. How tense my body gets, how much my heart aches- I subconsciously feel these things when trying to draw a character feeling them. And Middle Lave is always that- extremely tense, paranoid, heart racing, wanting to vomit mindset. And I wonder how I can ease off on my body while still retaining the ability to draw the things I’d like to draw. It’s very, very uncomfortable to feel that way again, maybe moreso because I lived it once.

Another factor is of course ability. My artwork I feel has improved- I’m somewhat proud of the latest console / Madotsuki artwork stuff I’ve done, it’s starting to click more and more it feels. But then there are the things I don’t know that cause me a lot of anxiety- Paneling, pacing, filling in negative space, shading, things like that. I tend to be very critical on myself in that regard, and I end up being too scared to work on something because I haven’t “figured out” how to fix those issues that made me stop.

Of course, the only way to improve is to keep drawing, so that’s what I should do. I just wish I could do things to my level of perfection, I suppose, but that’s unreasonable honestly. I just hope people can still enjoy these imperfect things.

Ideas also don’t help- I used to brainstorm a lot, come up with pages and pages of notes for my projects. Story ideas are always the hardest to come by, though. And after RN, taking such a deep look into myself, it’s made brainstorming harder, because I just think of things I’d rather not, and I’m too scared to even try thinking of any new project ideas- I’ve left too many old ones unfinished already, I know nothing I create will be finished and I need to finish at least one of my old projects, I still love them.

The main factor I’ve been thinking of today is self-consciousness. There’s a lot of connections in my mind- web of links, how things are related in terms of who I am as an artist and a person. The friends and followers I have, for example. I have relatively few, but I appreciate the people who do go out of their way to pay attention to me, be it following, liking things, or even just repeated lurking check-ins. And I think I’m scared to lose any of that with my actions- The things I want to make going against what people follow me for, if that makes sense. And overall, I know that it’s my content, real friends and such would stick around, but at the same time, I’m still scared of people thinking differently of me, or posting content that deeply hurts those around me.

I think of how to go about it- I’ve thought about making a different alias, completely separated from Nyrator. Somewhere I can do things without discretion, make whatever I want- Except, there’s one issue. All I want to draw are my original characters and ideas, and they are uniquely connected to me- there’ll always be a line drawn from those characters back to Nyrator. I don’t want to make new characters and I don’t like making fanart, but it’s already public info on how these characters are related to me, so I might as well post them on my own blogs.

I’ve thought about making a more sensitive-content kind of place, not exactly an NSFW blog or anything (I don’t like that kind of stuff personally, though I think some of my ideas would probably be considered fetish art or at least mature or something), but a more dedicated “not safe for mental health” blog, I guess. I do have RN on it’s own tumblr blog, and I keep debating if I should separate the twitter as well. But I don’t think that solves the problem of the fear of losing people close to me, pushing them away or hurting them- those close to me will still be reading it, still be seeing this part of me I don’t want to be associated with.

I was looking at Nagata Kabi’s art today after getting lost a bit on Pinterest. And of course, the grass is always greener, and I know she suffers as well. But I still admire her ability to share such personal things about her life, and to just openly draw these kinds of things- the things she draws, both manga and not, are very similar to the kind of stuff I want to draw. Personal things, the bad things in life, cute things with plush animals with depressed people, uncomfortably child-like adults, as well as darker things. I spoke with someone about it, and they made me realize just how incredibly strong she is to be able to post these things publicly as herself.

I’m amazed at many Japanese artists’ ability to be very open about the content they make, even the risque or looked-down upon things. I think of what would happen if I tried drawing Nyans like that, and I feel sick at the pressure. I don’t know what’s the right thing to draw. It’s easy to say the right thing is “what I want to draw”, but then I think of how much lingering sickness I always feel immediately afterward, and wonder, is it worth it? Lave had many personal issues that I debate drawing, but does my current audience want to see it? That one Violation picture for example- flashing dirty underwear. I like how the picture came out a lot, but the content of it makes me want to throw up so much from anxiety and self-disrespect, it’s too close to some fetish artwork, and I just think ‘people do not want or need to see this’.

It might be because I have a mix of friends- the ‘tumblr’ people, the ‘chan’ people, and so on- so long as they’re a relatively decent and reasonable person, I enjoy them. Some people have no stigma when it comes to content, some people have the common internet ones (like furry/fetish art for example), some people have much higher standards- and it feels like those people are the norm nowadays, at least around me. It almost feels like I’m split sometimes. I like free expression and think art is a medium where anything can be made (the only thing I’m really against is anything that uses the likeness of an actual person for nefarious purposes, particularly of younger people, and even then I have no real power to stop people making anything they want to make). At the same time, I need to respect the people who follow me as well, you know?

Maybe I’m just scared of being looked down upon, or judged for the things I draw. I do very little to maintain what little connections I have already, and I really don’t want to push people away (nor do I want to guilt people into staying, either). Art life is a hard life.

[ilusionis]

THE MEGA RP PLOTTING SHEET / MEME.

First and foremost, recall that no one is perfect, we all have witnessed some plotting once which did not went too well, be it because of us or our partner. So here have this, which may help for future plotting. It’s a lot! Yes, but perhaps give your partners some insight? Anyway BOLD what fully applies, italicize if only somewhat.

Mun Name: vinn (or ila, for close friends)     Age: 22       Contact: IM, discord

Character(s) I rp: aizen sosuke on here, askin nakk ke vaar (@ levaer) and lille barro (@ firstritter, sideblog) Which muse(s) inspires you the most atm?(for MM): all of them actually. Current Fandom(s): bleach. Fandom(s) you have an AU for:  none. i’ve been debating about making a modern au but i wouldn’t be sure what to explore in it. within the context of bleach, though, i’m very interested in developing a bunch of AUs. My language(s): i’m only confident in writing in italian or english.  Themes I’m interested in for rp:   Fantasy / Science fiction / Horror / Western / Romance / Thriller / Mystery / Dystopia / Adventure / Modern / Erotic / Crime / Mythology / Classic / History / Renaissance / Medieval / Ancient / War / Family / Politics / Religion / School / Adulthood / Childhood / Apocalyptic / Gods / Sport / Music / Science / Fights / Angst / Smut / Drama / etc. Themes/Genres you have an AU for: none.

Preferred Thread length: one-liner / 1 para / 2 para / 3+ / novella. Asks can be send by: Mutuals / Non-Mutuals / Personals / Anons. Can Asks be continued?:   YES / NO   only by Mutuals?:  YES / NO. Preferred thread type: crack / casual nothing too deep / serious / deep as heck. Is realism / research important for you in certain themes?:   YES / NO. Are you atm open for new plots?:  YES / NO / DEPENDS. Do you handle your draft / ask - count well?:  YES / NO / SOMEWHAT. How long do you usually take to reply?:  24h / 1 week / 2 weeks / 3+ / months / years. I’m okay with interacting: original characters / a relative of my character (an oc) / duplicates / my fandom / crossovers / multi-muses / self-inserts / people with no AU verse for my fandom / canon-divergent portrayals / au-versions (as main or only verse). Do you post more ic or occ?:  IC / OOC. Are you selective with following others?:  YES / NO / DEPENDS.  

Best ways to approach you for rp/plotting:  if you want to plot, it would be best to send me an IM and ask me, then we can definitely move to discord if you’d rather. it’s possible to approach me for rp without plotting first, best way would be to send me a meme when i reblog them or simply an ic ask, which i will answer, while memes might get lost. ic asks are good ice-breakers, we can continue plotting from there.

What expectations do you hold towards your plotting partner:  i need my partners to be as interested in our plot as i am. it would be great if you already have an idea, but it’s still good if you don’t, i get that coming up with ideas can be hard sometimes; mostly, i require honesty. you can definitely tell me that you got no ideas and i will do my best to help, ask questions, try to spark something. i do require the feeling of having that commitment reciprocated.

When you notice the plotting is rather one-sided, what do you do?:  i tend to straight up drop the conversation lmao. no hard feelings, but if i get the feeling you’re not interested, i will take my distance - i won’t waste my energy on a plot if my partner doesn’t share my enthusiasm. still, you can always approach me again, if you’re feeling up to it / have new ideas / whatever. nice thing of online convos is that they don’t have an expiration date lol.

How do you usually plot with others, do you give input or leave most work towards your partner?:  i always ask if they got any ideas to begin with. if my partner already knows, more or less, what kind of dynamic they wanna build with my character(s), that makes it infinitely easier to build something meaningful. it’s still fine if they don’t, i will usually ask a lot of questions regarding their muse’s opinions / feelings / etc., and try to navigate from there. a question i usually ask is: is there any aspect of your muse you’d like to explore? i think that’s a pivotal point in any interaction. 

When a partner drops the thread, do you wish to know?:   YES / NO / DEPENDS. - And why?: if they feel like telling me, why not. but usually, i don’t warn when i drop a thread, so it’s not expected of my partners ever. - What should your partner do when dropping a thread?:  nothing in particular tbh. they can tell me or approach me to start a new thread if they wish to, but it’s not required.

What could possibly lead you to drop a thread?:  i might lose interest in a thread, especially if i feel like it’s going nowhere or if the inspiration for it simply doesn’t come. it’s never happened so far that i had to drop a thread because it was making me uncomfortable, but that could still be a reason for me to. in general, though, i would approach my partner in that case. - Will you tell your partner?:   YES / NO / DEPENDS.

Is communication in the rpc important to you?   YES / NO. - And why?:  absolutely. i’d rather avoid awkward situations or misunderstandings of any kind; if something’s up, tell me. i also like to communicate with my writing partners (be it in the tags of our threads or in IMs), makes me feel like the enthusiasm is not one-sided and i find it generally pleasant.  - Are you okay with absolute honesty, even if it may means hearing something negative about you and/or portrayal?:  sure. we gotta stay polite, but honest. - Do you think you can handle such situation in a mature way?  YES / NO.

Why do you rp again, is there a goal?:  to have fun, to cultivate my writing skills and my english, and to explore my favorite characters. 

Wishlist, be it plots or scenarios:  i want to develop aizen’s wandenreich verse, because i’m deep in quincy hell and i think his dynamics with quincy muses could be super interesting. anything involving the intricacies of bleach politics is super interesting to me, be it with aizen or with my two quincy muses - who, btw, are also good to explore dynamics between quincies / their culture / relationships etc.

Themes I won’t ever rp / explore:  i won’t write anything pertaining to sexual assault. 

What Type of Starters do you prefer / dislike, can’t work with?: it’s gotten difficult to work with starters such as “you summoned me / do you need anything / did you call for me” etc. i used to receive that kind of starters all the time with aizen, and i can’t come up with something new every damn time. i also have a hard time working with starters / replies that already feel like a closed conversation and don’t give me anything to reply to.

What type of characters catch your interest the most?:  i’m not sure i have a type. aizen is pretty much an exception, the only example of an already well-built character i write, since i tend to gravitate around minor ones that don’t have much material and that i can work on and expand without being affected by the fandom’s opinion or whatever. somehow i always tend to rp tall guys-

What type of characters catch your interest the least?:  children and teenagers don’t interest me for the most part. characters who don’t have a shred of an opinion or can’t offer any interesting conflicts. overly friendly, mushy, affectionate and flowery characters are really not my cup of tea either. 

What are your strong aspects as rp partner?:  oh god i have no idea. i’m very laid-back, i guess. i’ll never pressure my partners for replies, i don’t think i’m owed a reply in the first place because we all have lives offline,  so i’ll never take it to heart if a partner drops a thread. if i really feel like our roleplaying styles don’t mesh, it will be at my own discretion to do something about it. another strong aspect i have ....... i think i have a decent grasp on all my muses? especially aizen. of course ur free to disagree lol. also, lately i’ve been p active, so that’s it. 

What are your weak aspects as rp partner?: i’m really slow. i might speed up for my closest friends, with whom i plot / rp regularly, but usually i take quite some time to reply to random unplotted threads. i probably have a thousand other flaws as a rper, but this is the biggest one that comes to my mind rn. 

Do you rp smut?:  YES / NO. Do you prefer to go into detail?:  YES / NO / DEPENDS. Are you okay with black curtain?:  YES / NO. - When do you rp smut? More out of fun or character development?:  i don’t write detailed sex scenes. sorry lmao they’re just not interesting to me. however, i’m super-ok with writing anything around it, like intimate scenes etc. in fact i find it somewhat soothing.  - Anything you would not want to rp there?:  the nitty-gritty part is already a no, but i guess also sexual violence and shit like that. it’s a no.

Are ships important to you?:   YES / NO. Would you say your blog is ship-focused?:   YES / NO. Do you use read more?:  YES / NO / SOMETIMES. Are you: Multi-Ship / Single-Ship / Dual-Ship  —  Multiverse / Singleverse. - What do you love to explore the most in your ships?:  all my ships are with snow 8′) and ur never bored with her. in general, i love being able to explore the muses’ relationships, their conflicts and their peaceful moments, especially in relation to canon events! - What is your smut tag?: nsfw / ........ my n*sfw posts are rare anyway.

Are you okay with pre-established relationships?: YES / NO. - And what kind of ones?: to an extent, i prefer pre-est relationships to first meetings - which they can get a bit dull after some time. i’m ok with mostly anything, and only more selective when it comes to relationships that might severely alter my muse’s canon / past / overall character. 

► SECTION ABOUT YOUR MUSE.

- What could possibly make your Muse interesting towards others, why should they rp with this particular character of yours now, what possible plots do they offer?:  not to stroke my own feathers but aizen offers a perfect chance at character development to any and all bleach characters. he’s the main villain, he holds some wild opinions, and whether you agree or disagree with him, he leaves no one indifferent. aizen is the main cornerstone of bleach, and if you want your muse to questions themselves and the system / world around them, interacting with him is the best way to start. also, aizen interacted with a fuckton of people, knows practically everything there is to know, is responsible for significant amount of canon events, so you see ... whatever character you write, aizen has the full potential to be extremely relevant in the course of their development.

- With what type of Muses do you usually struggle to rp with?:   children, ordinary low-ranked shinigami (i find it hard when it’s out of the blue, even in aizen’s captain and lieutenant verses ... because interactions would likely be only work-related, and won’t go far), characters whose personalities really have nothing to do with aizen. unfortunately, he’s not my easiest muse, and i don’t want to force interactions with him.  - With what type of Muses do they usually work well with?:  characters who have opinions, some political involvement, in general characters with whom aizen had a dynamic in canon. 

- What interests your Muse(s) in general:  reading, calligraphy, philosophy (especially in-world philosophy), science (again, mostly related to the specificity of the bleach universe), the very careful crafting of his plan- - What do they desire, is their goal?:  kill the soul king and take its place, destroy the institutions of soul society, subdue them. and then rule, as the soul king never did before. - What catches their interest first when meeting someone new?:  the idiosyncracies in their behavior, the particularities, their possible weaknesses.  - What do they value in a person?:    very little, usually. he may appreciate a resolute personality, strength, and intelligence. - What themes do they like talking about?:  speaking mostly of mundane talks, he likes conversing about his interests. it takes a lot for him to share any personal information, though. - Which themes bore them?:  anything about the greater good, friendship, love, very human topics.

- Did they ever went through something traumatic?:  seeing the soul king, in all things like a ghost stalking his dreams, and well ... spending his early life in rukongai as a whole. being forced to consume other souls in order to survive. the first times his reiatsu killed anyone who tried to get near him.  - What could possibly trigger them?:  it’s rare that he will outwardly show signs of distress, i’d say almost impossible. the few times the soul king still appears in his mind, greatly upsets him though. - What could set them off, enrage them?:  the soul king gets him particularly heated. urahara, as we witnessed. after his defeat, ichigo, to an extent. - What could lead to an instant kill?:  kubo was a coward who didn’t dare let him kill any relevant character, but actually aizen kills very liberally.

- Is there someone /-thing they hate?:  the soul king, urahara. he has a strong disdain for yamamoto, and that joke of C46. - Is there someone /-thing they love?:    himself. tousen

Is your Muse easy to approach?: YES / NO. - Best ways to approach them?:  he’s only really easy to approach for bleach characters, who, depending on who they are, have different eligible verses to further facilitate the interaction. humans / powerless bleach characters can’t really interact with him tho. - Where are they usually to find?:  soul society or hueco mundo. i have a verse set in the wandenreich.

Something you may still want to point out about your muse?:  aizen is not a particularly easy muse, but it’s part of his overall mosaic to be somewhat unapproachable and distant. i’m not out to make him someone he is not, so forgive me in advance if plotting with me turns out to be difficult in a way or another. he’s very dear to me, and i try my best to do him justice! while my main headcanons may not affect our interactions specifically, i still ask my partners to look them up (they’re linked in my about page) because they’re essential to my portrayal and it makes me happy to have them acknowledged. i think that’s all lmao. come visit me over at my quincy boys too.

CONGRATS!!! You managed it, now tag your mutuals! ♥

Tagged by:  @skyvar​ I DID IT AT LAST. Tagging:  i don’t know who has been tagged so, you know what to do.

[strangehunger]

25, 48 and 50 for the ask thing 💜

Ooh, I have a few:

1. It's a Friday night and I'm a little tired from work, but mostly excited because some of my best friends are visiting from out of town, and we're going outtt. My friends show up at my place and we get ready together and eat a loaf of fresh bed while we do so. We go to my local gay bar, which is small but fun and friendly, and there is some kind of event going on so it is packed. a few of my local friends meet up with us there. All of my favorite bartenders are there and I keep running into friends and general acquaintances from the local gay scene. I definitely drink a bit too much, but the energy and the music choice is perfect. When I feel too hot or get bored of dancing I stand out front where the smokers are and we talk about the meaning of life or whatever. When I get cold I go back inside and dance some more, with my friends but also with a cute girl or two and maybe I make out with someone. We leave the bar at like three AM and walk (maybe in the rain) to a local 24 hour diner that has the most amazing waffle sandwich, and talk about The Meaning of Life some more, or our childhood, or whatever, and we stay there until one of my friends is half asleep in the booth. We Uber home and we have to stop a few times to drop people off and I end up footing the bill for a few people but it's okay because I love them and want them to stay safe, and I make them all promise to take their makeup off and/or wash their faces when they get home. When I get back home I take the first shower (bc I'm an asshole) and then do my truly egregious post bender skincare routine. I go to bed at like 5 or 6 in the morning.

This is a night I have had many times, and one that I miss dearly 😭😭😭

Other options include:

2. Similar concept, different location -- up late having a good time, but I'm traveling... which means my decisions are probably stupider and crazier and make for much better stories

3. Same friends but up late getting a little turnt and sitting on someone's living room floor.

Not ALL of my ideas of fund include drinking 😂 but I guess I miss nightlife and my friends a lot right now, especially since I don't know when I'll have the option again 😭

This is so hard! Someone who is intelligent, but more important fun and funny and adventurous. I tend to be more attracted to people who are secure in their perception of themselves and able to be independent -- clingy and jealous make me uncomfortable -- but also laid back and without a huge ego. Compassionate and not being prejudiced is also a must! Similar values is very important to me.

Also someone who likes me for me. I think a big issue I've had wrt potential partnerships (and some friendships too) is that I tend to... Be manic pixie dream girl-ed misunderstood. I try to be upfront with people as to what I think my flaws are. Some people don't heed that. I'd like to be with someone who can accept me without imposing their idea of who I should be onto me and then getting upset when I don't measure up. I'd like to do the same for someone else.

Appearance wise... Y'all know I have a thing for women who are more butch/masc/gnc 😂 but rn I'm mostly focusing on personality traits.

You know when it's mid fall and kinda crisp and occasionally overcast but still mostly sunny (but not too warm!)? That.

Thank you! Again, sorry for the odd format. You got some long answers too 😅

[habibialkaysani]

on the ableism in black lightning

so I’m going to preface this post with a disclaimer on my own background. I am an able-bodied desi muslim queer cis woman. I’m not going to pretend that I can ever fully understand the barriers and issues faced by black people, those with albinism and those with other disabilities who might also be affected, but I’m not seeing posts about this issue. maybe that means I’m not following the right people - who knows. and in all honesty I’m not sure it is even my place to talk about this stuff, but I would like to see what people with disabilities and especially albinism think of black lightning so far.

to be clear, I think this show has fewer issues than the adjacent flarrowverse, which is chockfull of racism, sexism, ableism and homophobia that are insidious and blatant both. and I love the main characters, especially anissa and jennifer and lynn. the akils have done a great job of addressing racial and social issues so far, especially with regards to police brutality. but also it’s a great show in terms of family and relationships. there have been many elements that I’ve enjoyed so far.

but not everything has sat right with me. I admittedly didn’t know a whole lot about albinism prior to watching the show, but when two friends of mine pointed out that the villain, tobias whale, had albinism, it was immediately a red flag for me because I (as well as - far, far more importantly - a myriad of people with disabilities) don’t like the idea of the main disabled representation on a show being a disabled villain.

and it’s not that I don’t appreciate the show giving us a bit of an origin story, if you will, about how his father abused him for his albinism and his sister for defending him. but the combination of seeing whale’s father, lady eve and now jefferson pierce himself view whale’s albinism as something to hold against whale is just - not easy to watch but also kind of incongruous with a show that fights so fiercely (and rightly) for the protection of minorities.

sure, lady eve and whale’s dad used whale’s albinism to threaten and/or abuse him - lady eve specifically refers to the oppression and murder of those with albinism (referring to how the body parts of people with albinism are used for so-called magical purposes) when threatening tobias and he remembers her exact words when she sends him that envelope with dust in it. in comparison, jeff’s words are not as hurtful, perhaps, and it could be that I’m missing something, but still I’m trying and failing to understand why it was necessary for him to say that he was going to put whale’s “albino ass right back into the grave” (I might be paraphrasing a little but that’s the gist of it). I get that the guy murdered his father pretty brutally and I’m not excusing any of his behaviour but I’m also not excusing the fact that jeff said what he said. needless to say it made me feel uncomfortable given he’s meant to be the good guy in this and I’m sure more importantly that it made people with albinism watching the show uncomfortable too to see him say that.

but it gets worse. jeff then looks up albinism on the internet and ends up using whale’s disability against him - specifically the fact that people with albinism need to be regularly checked by a doctor for certain skin conditions and so on. jeff goes to whale’s doctor, whose concern is for his own family who whale has been threatening for his silence. that doctor ends up turning on whale and calling him under false pretences in order for jeff to then kill him. and jeff doesn’t because lynn talks him out of it, but that’s not the point. I feel like the implications are bad - that a man who is not only able-bodied but also has superpowers is using his nemesis’s disability, to get to him. and tbh that sounds pretty ableist to me.

I also don’t know where they’re going with khalil’s story, but I feel the options are bad regardless. whale tells khalil that he’ll be able to walk again even tho he won’t be able to, medically speaking, that means a miracle cure is definitely likely given it’s a comic book show where people have superpowers, and that’s not exactly desirable. if khalil can’t walk but does become a villain(ous sidekick?) then it’s like a rehash of whale’s origin story which centres on his condition, thus implying that those with disabilities and conditions are destined for a villainous future, which doesn’t sit right with me. I don’t mean to say that disabled heroes don’t exist, of course, but the one that springs immediately to mind is barbara gordon, aka oracle, and rn I’m reading batgirl and the birds of prey which starts with babs explaining how she was cured with experimental tech that enabled her to be batgirl again. so even there a miracle cure isn’t out of the question and I know that this particular plot point is upsetting to those with disabilities irl who can’t be miraculously cured. 

as I said, I don’t want anyone to have misperceptions here. I was going to comment on this issue much earlier, but I didn’t feel like it was my place. I still am not sure if I should be airing my views given I’m not black and do not have a disability or condition, or albinism. but I would like to start up a conversation and I encourage those who have noticed the same issues and related ones to speak up about them. the show is no doubt a breath of fresh air compared to the toxicity in the flarrowverse, but no show is without its problems and every show should always strive to do better. to that end, I think it’s important to start a dialogue about the problems we see and maybe even (respectfully ofc) discuss things with the showrunners, writers and so on.

lastly, I will not pretend to be an expert on albinism or congenital conditions or disabilities or ableism. if I’ve said anything that’s wrong or inaccurate, you are absolutely welcome to correct me. additionally I mentioned above that I haven't seen a whole lot of discussion on this. if you have written anything about it or can direct me to posts/articles/commentary, that would be greatly appreciated. 

[diaryventsesh]

Lol limbo again

Bitch, same shit different month. I think I just cycled back to my last post's insecurities after getting a good high/satisfaction roll for a few months. Lol, I wrote my last post on March 14, 2021 and I'm feeling some similar shit on July 7, 2021 HAHAHA. Still confused about my relationship future and still haven't talked about it with the boo. Still don't know about my social and professional future somewhat but some different things have presented themselves which may help make certain directions easier.

Welp I guess we'll just drive in. After going to Sawyer's cousin's wedding where I met shit ton of family, there was of course occasional chats about what he wants to do afterwards, what I want to do afterwards blah blah. We honestly haven't talked in depth about this. Sawyer still mentions how he would have a difficult time staying in one place. I don't talk much about what I want in my future because I don't know for sure but I take comfort in the stability of staying in 1 place for a long time. I guess my ideal right now would be staying in the job I'm in now for at least a few more years, learning some vestibular (since the current person who does some vestibular is leaving), go to music festivals, and moving to Santa Cruz. I am cautiously open to the idea of travel therapy once at least a year has gone by at the place I am currently at. However, I say cautiously because of a few things. One, I suck as a physical therapist lol. I seriously would just be a weak candidate for having to interview many times and ask for references many times and being confident in my abilities. It would honestly be so much stress on my conscious to have to go through the pseudo-hiring process every 3 months. It would be easier for Sawyer with his OCS and other achievements. Plus, trying to get the 2 of us in a similar place at a time would be difficult. Two, the difficulty of moving multiple times after I've just gotten settled down is just uncomfortable. I'd have to make a new routine each time, put effort into figuring out where shit is, where to run, where to work out, when to make my meals, where to get food, etc. Sawyer can pack his shit in a small Subaru and bitch I have some comfort items and decorations that make me happy in my room. Technically, I don't need a lot to work travel therapy in that I just need work clothes and workout/hiking clothes for the weekends. Maybe the occasionallllll dressy thing if I was invited to some wedding or something but I just want what I want to be comfortable rn. GDI. Third, leaving people I've met here. I did make some friends here. I didn't try very hard so I only really made friends with coworkers. But I'm somewhat attached. I mentioned this in my last post but I think my emotional/social needs need more than just Sawyer. Like I miss having friends that are close by. With travel, I'd just have Sawyer. Sawyer is good but do I feel like I can get the emotional validation I would get talking to Erika or even like Austin. Ugh. I'd meet all these new people each time. If I don't like those new people I guess I'd just have to escape into something cool to do each weekend. I'm sad because if I sacrifice my comfort, Sawyer will be happier but if he sacrifices his desire, I will be happier. However, I'm sure both of us would be sad that the other person is having to sacrifice. I guess there is also the alternative that well Sawyer could have other plans in mind. I haven't actually talked to him about it solidly yet and I'm sure he doesn't know fully yet. He could come up with something completely different that I hadn't considered. Maybe he doesn't want to do travel therapy. Maybe he'll be okay with staying in one place as long as he can travel to teach courses. I've heard him talk a little about that. IDK. I just had to write this shit down to get it off my chest since I was thinking about it in a sleep-deprived way while treating patients today and low-key ignoring them while doing manual especially if I was working on their back and they were face down. Also, somehow I was asked about my relationship future goals and I was in a sleep-deprived bad mood and I was feeling sour about it because I think I did stay up late because I was thinking about that future and of course today of all days they had to ask about it. I replied in a very negative way so there was some confusion/doubt about that future lols. I replied without thinking so it came out badly. I don't think it is that bad, just that I was in a bad mood about it. I hope some things will be cleared up this weekend when we talk.