#i am in a constant fight with anxiety

[woolysstuff]

Fuck it I am NOT going to let the anxiety win and I AM going to socialize and it's going to have to comply with me

[naamahdarling]

Augh

[figofswords]

thinking about taking a little bit of a step back from social media for a bit for mental/physical health reasons (as in: chronic severe anxiety is causing chronic health issues and I need to remove stress Somehow). I will still post art but I’m probably gonna make an effort to engage with my dash only minimally, if at all. (that being said I have very poor discipline so if you see me suddenly reblogging stuff out of nowhere just. roll with it)

[doveshovel]

ahghdsfjhdsfa sorry guys i forgot i had an anxiety disorder and have been doing nothing to manage it for a week 👍will probably have more energy after i remember how to deal with this

[ughgoaway]

I also have no idea what to wear 😬😬

I am so anxious i dont know if going to the concert is a good idea 🙃🙃

oh, anon, you don't even know how real this is, I am literally going through this same dilemma right now. I am SO anxious that I don't know if I can even leave my house, let alone enjoy a concert. that's why I'm trying to plan my outfit now, I know if that bits sorted then that's less to worry about!!

if you're going to the o2, they do have sensory rooms for people who get easily overwhelmed/anxious!! as an autistic person, I will definitely be using them. and as for other venues, they are usually so much more accommodating than you expect. It's definitely worth googling your venues accessibility options. anxiety is so crippling, and the loud noises don't help, so don't be afraid to ask for support from wherever you are going!

I hope we both manage to get to the concert, we are in this together fr 🫡

[nostrildamus]

assumption: there’s people in the snz community you wanna talk with but haven’t done so

Oh, 100%! 😅

My biggest fear is always coming on too strong or making someone uncomfortable (even just by saying hello?? thanks anxiety) and as such there are people who I'd love to talk with because I'm confident that we'd vibe super hard, but my anxiety/shyness/whatever says it's better to not talk to them than to talk to them and have a negative outcome 😭

someone needs to give me a pep talk lmao

[manofmanymons]

.

[mars-ipan]

Ya got any rants stored up? Long-burning hatred?

i FINALLY found one i’ve been holding onto this ask waiting for the opportunity.

i HATE how people treat people with anxiety disorders. it’s endless pity mixed with complete incompassion

like ok. obligatory i have generalized anxiety disorder here. a lot of things make me stressed and when i’m having bad anxiety attacks (which can last days and sometimes put me into month-long spells of misery) i get physically sick, to the point of throwing up and fever. i also tend to go nonverbal/low-verbal during these periods of time (usually bc i’m nauseous.) i’m also very prone to migraines and have a tic and wear a night guard due to jaw clenching etc etc you get the point it affects me.

when i share these symptoms with people (assuming they don’t have similar symptoms) i get a lot of frowny faces. “owh i’m sorry :( that must be awful how horrible“ and the like. and it’s never said in a way that’s actually kind. it’s said in the way people talk about those aspca commercials. and it’s never actually come from a place of genuine concern- it’s superficial pity apparently meant to placate me. i hate it

and that’s assuming i even get that reaction at all! usually when i try to explain to someone that i’m experiencing symptoms of some sort like “hey i’m sorry i can’t really be productive right now, i’ve got a lot of brain fog” i am ALWAYS dismissed. EVERY time. maybe it’s because i’m quite skilled at coping and masking. maybe it’s because my panic attacks don’t (always) look like wailing and thrashing and choking on air. but for some reason people don’t seem to understand that yes my anxiety disorder is actually disabling for me sometimes. i will ask for an accommodation i need, be compared to someone else with different needs from me, and then be told i need to just suck it up and deal with it. and i am SO! TIRED! OF! IT!!!! the amount of times i’ve told people “hey please don’t say that to me i’m prone to paranoia about xyz” and then been yelled at because “it’s not that serious take a joke” is ABSURD. hey maybe stop telling me my cough is covid bc now i have to spend the next 3 hours reminding myself that i don’t have any other symptoms asshole!!! jesus

and THEN when i actually DO find a way to cope or utilize the way my brain works or god forbid crack a fucking joke about it people get mad at me. “see i knew it wasn’t a big deal” or “so you’re actually fine” or “that’s not funny” i am. so tired of it

and then i go online and see people saying that disorders like anxiety and depression have been destigmatized and we’re treated basically the same in neurotypical society. motherfucker i did not go undiagnosed for 17 years with several doctors telling me it “wasn’t anything to worry about” despite my family history and clear signs from a young age just to be told my disorder is respected. if i say my anxiety is a disability i get called dramatic and am told to stop taking attention away from people who need it- or not to call it a disability because “it’s not that bad” and i’m fine because clearly having a disability makes every second of your life miserable of course of course. hell anxiety is demonized too! not as badly as many other illnesses but it’s still demonized!!! if i tell people “hey i have anxiety so please be careful with xyz” they act like i just asked them to let me do anything i want without consequence. there’s literally a whole fucking stereotype of people using “anxiety” as an excuse to be lazy or an asshole or entitled. as someone whose anxiety manifests in depressive spirals (freeze response) and rejection sensitivity (doom spiraling) this is Not Great!!!!! like i am hypervigilant about enough things i do not need to add “will these people get mad if i explain how my brain works” to the list

and about the rejection sensitivity. i HATEEEEE when people judge me for crying because they’re upset at something i’ve done wrong. “mars if you’re in the wrong then you’re not the victim” who the fuck said i think i’m the victim???? i cry because my brain takes “can you pls stop doing this it genuinely bugs me” and turns it into “you’re a horrible person how could you do this to someone they hate you.” but just because that happens doesn’t mean i’m not capable of rational thought!!! i KNOW realistically that my friends are good communicators and share that stuff because they like my company. i just need to cry about it as well. that doesn’t negate my logic or say i won’t actually try to improve myself. i’m just upset that i made the mistake. obviously i’m gonna fix it. that one REALLY pisses me off esp when i warn someone in advance that i do that. like calm the fuck down i’m not even pointing out that i’m crying rn this isn’t about me stop making it about me.

ANYWAYS. it’s really frustrating to deal with this shit from nts and then go to an online nd space for community and hear people talk about anxiety disorders like we don’t face ableism. just because it’s quieter doesn’t mean it isn’t there. that AND the “it’s barely an issue” girlie i was told i wasn’t disabled enough by doctors my whole damn life i am NOT about to start hearing it from you too. you can drown in the ocean or a swimming pool or a puddle. doesn’t fucking matter. the hypocrisy irritates me so bad

[miss-anthropyxx]

casually spiraling and dont think there's anything i can do about it at this point anymore. i wanna just give up and let myself spiral.

[opheliac]

i just want to stop feeling suicidal so constantly and i want to stop having my paranoia spirals and i want to have peaceful sleeps without night terrors and i want to feel safe in my body and in my own space and i want to eat and i want to not be so overwhelmed by my psychosis and i want to be over everything that kennedy did to me but i also really wish i could contact him again so i could deck him in the fucking face and then i call c and ask her what the fuck why the fuck did she do that and beg beg beg my family to leave the church that is so clearly harming them and dooming them to tragedies.... and so on...

[4byun]

(´ε｀ )

[theprettynosferatu]

Oh, you're awake. Finally. Please, look at the picture on the screen. 

You recognize her, I suppose. Look at how silly she looks, trying to be tough, trying to look cool. All that leather and black and studs… doesn't she look ridiculous? 

I see you nodding. Good. The special drink is grabbing hold of your brain. Making it softer. Malleable. You really should be more careful about accepting treats from strangers… but I suppose you won't have to worry about that anymore. Or anything else. 

Now, let's look at your social media. Lord, isn't that pathetic. Trying so hard to be clever, to be snarky, to be rebellious. It's almost endearing, like a puppy trying to walk in its hind legs. Come on, we both know it's all just a costume, don't we? One you've worn for so long you mistakenly believe it's a personality- one you developed when you were a teen. One you need to grow out of. 

Please, don't struggle. The knots are quite secure, I assure you. I've done this too many times to count. Why are you resisting, anyway? Do you truly, deep down believe this personality of yours is worth saving? Worth fighting for? Doesn't it just look as the pathetic attempt by a dumb girl to pretend to be something more? 

Ah. I see you squirming. Was it the "dumb girl" comment? I suspect it was. Your pussy knows I'm right, and it's screaming its approval. It's screaming for you to accept its truth, pulsing with neediness and wet with anticipation… I wonder what it is about that word. “Dumb"... it does have an effect on you, tough girl. Dumb. Silly. Stupid girl. My oh my, is that a moan that just escaped your lips? I’m sure it was. Feeling softer, are we? 

Softer indeed… I’m sure you can sense it still… the way it’s becoming harder and harder to focus. The way a pink cloud seems to be permeating your consciousness. The way you half-perceive the faint scent of cotton candy. The way you are getting more and more soaked by the second. 

Oh, stop struggling. Tell me, why do you hate it so much? The idea of actually being a cute, silly, horny girl? I can see it in your eyes- the loathing. The searing, pure anger. Why, though? I suppose you are imagining all those girls, those popular girls, those slutty girls, those bimbos that soaked up all the attention and the praise. Am I wrong? I don’t think I am. But I do think you are hiding. Yes, hiding what really happened. You tell yourself a story, one that makes you look good, or so you think. That you’re better than them. Stronger than them. More independent than them. A free thinker! A rebel punk feminist! But that’s not the whole story, is it now? No, we both know what really happened. You surrendered. 

Yes, that’s it. Your eyes can’t lie, you know. You surrendered because you could never, ever be like them, be as giggly and flirty and free- so you decided you wouldn’t compete with them on their own terms, and modeled yourself to be their opposite. How pathetic is that? Even in your resistance, you could only be defined by them, by your rejection of them. You became their dark mirror, and soaked in the attention of the leather-wearing so-called “punks” and the geeks and all the other rejects. But you know why they even looked at you: because the other girls, the pretty girls, the girls in pink wouldn't even deign to turn their gaze towards them. You were always… what they settled for. 

You think I’m being cruel. Well, I won’t deny that I get some pleasure from throwing the truth at your face. It’s always so much fun to watch you all fight, and moan, and deny that they would do anything, anything at all to be able to finger fuck yourselves to oblivion… But believe me, my cruelty has a purpose. I wouldn’t be doing this to you if I didn’t have a higher goal in mind. A benevolent one. 

I can take it all away. All that resentment, that anger, that anxiety… that constant, pointless quest to be… what? A professional? A successful woman? An independent soul? Please. That’s only so much set dressing. I can strip those delusions from you, give you what you really want. 

Imagine it with me. Tight white jeans showing off your ass, the shape of your legs. A pink tank-top, proudly proclaiming yourself to be a princess in tacky, gold lettering. The men turning their heads as you walk. Everyone being so nice to you at parties… because they want to see you on your knees, licking and sucking and worshiping their cocks, because they want to bend you over and use your slutty pussy as their plaything. And you… you would love it. 

No more fear. No more stress. Just the bliss of sucking three cocks, going from one yummy dick to the next, squeezing your titties together to give them the spectacle of their lifetimes. And then your cunt being filled, that hole you now hold your rage in given meaning and purpose by becoming a living set of holes for men to use, sensing the simple, plain joy of knowing you are doing what you were meant to do with your life. Knowing you are wanted. Desired. 

I see you’re drooling. Sounds like you like my little proposal. Well, there’s one simple way to sign this pact with me. You don’t even have to speak- speaking seems so hard now, doesn’t it? So keep quiet and let your slutty body do the talking for you. Keep your mouth open. 

There. Good girl. Doesn’t my cock look tempting? Amazing? Like you could just suck it forever? Yes, good girl… now, let me fuck your mouth- and know my cock is only the first of many. Too many to count. 

Then again, by this point you can’t count too high, can you?

Did you enjoy this story? You can support my work at patreon.com/prettynosferatu !

[nofingjustaninchident]

jason grace general headcannons

⛧° 。 ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆༺♱༻⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ 。°⛧

⛧° 。 ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆༺♱༻⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ 。°⛧

content: jason grace hcs

warnings: nothing!!

a/n: i’m back from the dead!!!! i know, i know that i just write for my boy, but trust im writing one of these for all of my boys. i just don’t know when im gonna post it. byeee

⛧° 。 ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆༺♱༻⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ 。°⛧

He’s always losing his glasses, like 24/7. They just sleep in the nightstand and in the morning they’re not there anymore.

His love languages are acts of service and quality time, but he LOOOOVES physical touch.

He’s really good in english, but he has a little bit of trouble with maths (roman numbers and all)

He doesn’t understand gen-Z jokes

He has no clue on how to use a cellphone/computer/tv/anything technological

He loves to play football

He’s completely clueless about the people that have a crush on him. Like, he never ever notices.

He’s super romantic, but he’ll never ever admit it

He’s an ass guy. Prove me wrong.

He absolutely loves when you want to make cute hairstyles in his hair.

He’ll give you all of his hoodies

He smells like roses and sandalwood.

He wakes up at 4 am every day. The only days when he wakes up later is when he’s sleeping with his s/o

He’s a cuddler, and obviously the big spoon.

He’s not one to get into fights, but if someone says anything about his friends, he’ll kill that person.

He’s extremely loyal to his friends and family.

He’s super powerful, and, if he explores more of his powers, he’d discover that he can control the air in people’s lungs and he’d be terrifying.

He used to be very insecure with himself when he was younger, and that made him work out till he got all buff and hot and tall.

He loves laughing with Percy and Leo and just chilling together with his mates

He spends a lot of time with Frank helping him with all this praetor thing.

He and Reyna were never back to being close friends, and he got constantly sad over this.

He got constant anxiety crisis and panicked attacks

Sometimes he doesn’t realize how tall he is compared to other people like Nico, so it’s super fun to watch him smirking when he doesn’t want Nico to get something and he just puts it in a higher spot.

He’s the biggest Solangelo shipper in the whole damn camp.

He’s the president of the ‘Protect Nico Di-Angelo’ club.

He loves loves LOVES kids, and he’d be the best dad ever.

He loves when Percy calls him to go to Sally’s house, cause he can play with Estelle.

He hates when any of his friends get mistreated.

He doesn’t have much personal stuff in the Zeus cabin, but he does have a plushie, and it’s a little eagle that he named Sparkles.

He’s not much of a crier now, but he did cry a lot when he was a kid.

He loves sleepovers.

He’s a great cook, since Leo taught him.

He loves baking cakes for his friends and family

His favorite dessert is brownies, especially when it has that crunchy part in it.

He’s absolutely terrified of dentists.

He’s also a little claustrophobic.

He loves having an arm around you whenever you’re talking.

He’s not super jealous, but he’s a little insecure with some stuff or people.

He’s the softest boy of all. Literally the cutest ever.

[alyswritings]

Panic Attack

Request: Could u possibly do a jj maybank and sister has a really bad panic attack and jj just helps her through it and is really sweet? Thanks, love your writings 💜💜

JJ Maybank x sister!reader

Summary: JJ helps his sister with a panic attack.

Warnings: panic attacks, anxiety, luke yelling

a/n: thanks for the request! hope you all enjoy! also if you want/don't want to be tagged, lmk! unrelated, i am in love with his dimple.

(gif not mine)

Y/N races to JJ's room once she's certain he's in there after encountering Luke. She shuts and locks the door, the boy sitting on his bed, hands buried in his hair as he silently fumes.

"You're both useless pieces of shit! Your mama knew it! I know it! Your stupid friends know it!" Luke shouts over the blaring rock music.

Luke pounds on the door making Y/N jump, letting a small whimper out. She stumbles away from the door as he continues to hit the door. She quickly sits on the floor, curling up into a ball as she feels her breathing pick up and her hands start shaking.

Luke continues to shout insults and crude words, JJ fighting every urge to go out and fight back. He hears a quiet sob, his head snapping over to his sister.

"Y/N." He mumbles, rushing over to her. "Hey, hey." He sits in front of her. Y/N shakes her head, tears racing down her face as she gasps for air. "Y/N, hey, look at me." JJ cups the sides of her head, forcing her to face him. "Look at me, I'm right here. Follow my breathing." He slowly breathes in, waiting for her to attempt it. He lets out the breath, Y/N struggling to copy him.

They repeat a few times, Y/N still struggling, but getting better after a few more attempts.

"There we go, kiddo. We're gettin' there." JJ says, continuing to encourage her. "It's okay."

Y/N gets a deep breath in before Luke slams on the door again causing the girl to sob, the progress going down the drain.

"No, no, hey, hey. Keep breathing. Keep breathing, Y/N/N." JJ encourages, Y/N trying to follow his instructions. "I'm right here. Focus on me, okay? Don't listen to him." JJ slides his hands so his palms cover her ears, hoping to block their father out.

JJ kisses her on the forehead, quietly repeating reassurances to her.

After a while, she gets her lungs to work, taking slow, long breaths.

"There we go." JJ coos. "Great job, kid. C'mere." He pulls her into a tight hug. "You're okay. It's okay. He can't get us." Y/N sniffles, hiding her face in his shoulder. "I got you. Just you and me."

"What if he breaks the door?" Y/N mumbles, her words muffled from his shirt.

"Not gonna happen." JJ assures. "Come on. We can sneak out and go to the chateau, okay? Go fishing or something? Or just take a nap if you want. Sound good?" Y/N sniffles and nods, rubbing her nose. "Okay. Come on." He kisses her on the head before getting up and getting his stuff.

JJ quietly opens his window, climbing out. He helps Y/N out and then shuts the window.

"Let's go." He whispers, grabbing her hand and dragging her over to his motorcycle. "Here. Wear this." He gives her the helmet that only she ever wears -- despite her constant worries for him to wear it.

Y/N doesn't argue as she puts the helmet on her head, buckling the straps underneath her chin. She climbs on after him, tightly holding onto him as he speeds away.

Taglist: @glxwingrxse @venomsvl @wildieflower @aliciacat20 @allyson15 @gabbylovesreading @mrvlxgrl @star-wars-lover @champomiel @ironmaiden1313

[bornofsteelblood]

I can't get this big tall nerd out of my head so I wrote this to ease my mind. DISCLAIMER: This is my take on König but I have other AU's too. I headcanon him to be a reserved nerd whose anxiety stems from being bullied for his size as a kid and now he's aware/confident that he's built like a redwood tree. When he's with his SO, he's happy to yap. My take on the "strong and silent" trope. He studied military history to become a Colonel which evolved into a hobby of collecting war memorabilia. I don't speak German so this may be cringe for anyone that does lol. I haven't written something like this in years, let alone about a character in the military, and I'm not super familiar with the COD franchise. I don't know how to edit this to look fancy either. I'm just a huge König fan. --------------------------------------------------------------------

König had come to terms with his towering stature before he enlisted in the army. He wasn’t always the muscular Austrian that you had come to call your own. Plagued by social anxiety, restlessness, and gangly limbs, he learned to adapt through his military training. He grew into his body but couldn’t shake his inability to stay still. Snipers were renowned for their unwavering hands but this skill evaded König.

Getting rejected from becoming a sniper made him more resourceful, as evidenced by his t-shirt mask that he constructed himself. Adolescent cruelty and resentment towards his size no longer haunted him as he was now a colonel for a private military company. He was confident in his abilities and enjoyed destroying down barriers as an insertion specialist.  

Your relationship blossomed when you discovered the man had a military history degree that complimented your fascination with general history. It thrilled you even more when he took you back to his flat just to showcase the memorabilia he had collected throughout the years, including some impressive tactical gear he took pride in.

You viewed his interests and ramblings as endearing. “I am not boring you?” König asked as he plucked down a canister of discontinued replica bullets from a high shelf. You shook your head with a smile and retorted if he had installed that shelf himself since it was nearly touching the ceiling. Heat rose to his face and you could tell he was smiling under his mask with the crinkles that formed on the corners of his eyes.     

His fondness for your company grew into adoration. The long stretch of his shadow often engulfed your own when he stood near you; a bad omen to most but a reassurance of security to you. The constant shuffle of heavy gear and gloved hands against your waist was comforting. König was a man of few words around his comrades; chiming in when he felt it was important or to interject with his dry, sarcastic humor.

However, his reserved demeanor was another tactic that only you were aware of. Anyone could see that he was an unyielding powerhouse on the field, wielding his body like an indestructible machine as bones effortlessly splintered under the weight of his boot. Only you got to see him become completely defensiveness under your touch.

For instance, the solid weight of a gun was a morbid comfort to König. It gave his hands something to hold and cured his restlessness when he couldn’t touch you. When you were on base, he preferred to holster his gun to his back and allow you his full attention. He’d widen his stance and place his hands on his lower back to stop himself from mindlessly groping you; a point you made that always ended with him sheepishly muttering “Ich kann nichts dafür. Du bist wunderschön.”

He bent down at the waist, hands twitching to stay still, to allow you to brush his mask aside and kiss him deeply. He lost his half-hearted fight to keep his hands to himself when he felt your mouth traveling along the small scars that littered his neck.

Translation:  “Ich kann nichts dafür. Du bist wunderschön.” -> “I can’t help it. You’re gorgeous.”    

[incogrio]

h.kai - send off part two ～*° °。｡

pairing: huening kai x fem bodied reader

genre: fluff, angst, SMUT!!

synopsis: a month has gone by since your dreamy encounter with huening kai. and he hasn’t said a word to you.

warnings: sad in the beginning, general smut warnings, eating out, slightly public smut, sub! kai, dom!ish reader, inaccurate depictions of huening kai’s head game

w/c: 2.5k+

a/n: ONE person asked for a part two (yk who u are) and i once again, was possessed by the ningdungie inside me. and kai inside me. so uhhh yeah enjoy pookies.

part one

COMMENTS AND FEEDBACK HEAVILY APPRECIATED!

it had been days since your dreamy encounter with huening kai had burnt itself into your skull. you found yourself giggling when imagining his smile, unable to fall asleep as you awaited his text. but it never came.

on the morning after your meeting with him, you sent him a friendly: “hi!”. you hadn’t expected a response immediately, he is a busy idol after all. but after three days, you had started to grow worried. what if he got in trouble with his staff? did he realize his mistake in trusting you and change his number?

you decided to send another text: “i hope you’re eating and resting well!” radio silence. nothing but your anxiety plaguing your mind. you had fallen for him so quickly, and now every time you’d seek comfort, you’d find yourself thinking about what could have been. your comfort is now your plague, and you sob into your pillow.

a month has gone by. by this point, you’ve accepted his disappearance. you send him messages everyday; treating his number like your personal diary.

“i had ramen today, but the noodles were kind of hard.” [delivered: 12:34 PM]

“i haven’t been able to sleep recently, thinking of you too much.” [delivered: 4:37 AM]

“today a girl complimented my outfit! i was so happy i could barely even say thank you haha!!” [delivered: 6:13 PM]

“i wonder why you gave me this number. was it a prank?” [read: 2:48 AM]

you thought you were hallucinating. you must’ve stayed on that chat for hours, refreshing and refreshing. now you were the one giving him silence.

it made hyuka’s stomach churn. he had been fighting with his members and the staff for the past month, desperately trying to convince them that he was not threatened, that he did not need to change his number, and that he did see a relationship with you. every night, he’d sob as he read your messages. he knew he couldn’t begin a relationship if he would have to break it off, but this hurt more. your constant wondering of his affections, your desperate attempts to get him to say something, anything. it made him want to throw up. he could only imagine the look on your face as he delivered you your thoughts, once more.

but today, today he did it. today they agreed to let him at the very least commune with you online. huening had sprinted to the nearest bathroom, locking himself in and pressing his back to the door, sinking till his butt softly touching the cold tiles under him. he opened your chat, frowning at your most recent text.

“i wonder why you gave me this number. was it a prank?” [delivered: 12:56 AM]

his hands shook as he tapped your contact, turning on read receipts for the first time. he didn’t know when you had seen the change, but he knew that you suddenly gave him a taste of his own medicine. he didn’t know what to say. what to do. his thumbs shook as he typed out a message, before deleting it.

“oh.” [read: 3:01 AM]

he jumps, eyes widening. he quickly types without thinking.

“i promise i can explain. let me meet with you. please.” he responds, to which you see it immediately. on your end, you’re on borderline tears. for a month, all you had wanted to see was his response. his notification. and now that you have it, you didn’t even know what to do with it.

“okay. meet me at the bench where we first exchanged numbers.” [read: 3:02 AM]

“okay! thank you. i’m on my way now!!(*^^*)♡” you rolled your eyes at his kaomoji with a slight smile on your face. you got up slowly, before tugging on the quickest outfit and bursting through your door and down to the lobby of your apartment building.

you deserved an explanation, but you would fold the moment you saw his bright blue hair. you tried your best to discipline yourself as you walked through the slightly humid streets, slowly making your way to the now empty concert venue.

huening types out his speech as he walks, slowly nearing where he had met you. he takes a deep breath as he turns the corner, seeing you sitting on a bench whilst looking around expectantly.

he sneaks up behind you and taps you on the shoulder once more. “hi,” he says, his voice shaking out of nerves.

you turn around, getting a strange sense of deja vu. do not fold, you tell yourself. “hey. so…”

hyuka clears his throat, reaching into his pocket and shakily opening his phone. he reads off the note he wrote, “i-i know you are angry with me. and you have every right to be, but i need to at least explain to you-“

“kai, what are you doing?” he looks up.

“wh- i’m… i wrote it in advance, so i wouldn’t forget anything… i’m.. is that rude?” he asks, reaching up and scratching the back of his neck softly.

you sigh. you reach for his phone and place it back into his pocket, before taking his hand and leading him to sit next to you.

“i agreed to hear you out, kai, not your notes app. please, you do not need to be perfect around me.” you mutter reassuringly, yet sternly.

he feels himself tearing up, his lip wobbling softly. he looks at you as the wind blows your hair softly and the street light illuminates your skin. an angel, he thinks to himself. my angel.

“oh- okay! s-so, i was not ignoring you. i was reading your messages! it’s just that i was sort of fighting with everyone at hybe to convince them that you’re NOT a saesang- not- not that you seem like one it’s just that when an idol gives out their number they tend to think that- that they had to give it away and that was NOT the case and- and so i basically has to convince them to not change my number and it was so fucking hard and i JUST-“

you smile to yourself softly, “kai. kai! take a breath. i’m not going anywhere.” you take a deep breath, and he follows.

“and… and i just got them to agree that you are worth it and…” he looks down at his hands, playing with them. “and i didn’t want to start a relationship with you until i was sure it would work out.” he mutters, his voice becoming warbling more and more by the second. “i’m so sorry-“ he can barely get out, before he breaks into sobs. you immediately hug him, taking his head and tucking it into your neck, cradling him.

“oh hyuks…” you mutter, softly kissing his head. “you hurt me a lot,” you explain, and he whines softly into your neck, “but… i understand. i do. you don’t need to worry. cry if you need to, but not because i’m leaving.” you whisper as passersby begin to look over. a six foot tall broad man being cradled in the arms of someone significantly smaller than him is not a usual sight.

after a few seconds, he softly calms into a sniffle. “i don’t deserve you.” he mutters, playing with the hem of your shirt and staying at his position of being wrapped around you.

you hum, “you don’t know how many people disagree with you.”

he untucks his head from your neck before slowly lifting a hand to your cheek. his eyes flick between your eyes to your lips, a silent question.

you aren’t even through your first nod before he launches forward, kissing you like he needed oxygen from your lips. you wrap your arms around his neck, moaning softly as he bites your lip. he smiles against your mouth in satisfaction, before tilting his head to kiss you deeper. both of you begin to run out of breath, and neither of you find it in you to care. his lips are salty, drenched in his tears. you are addicted to their taste. he whines softly, pushing you back in a desperate attempt to get closer to you. you slowly lean back, before your head softly hits the arm rest of the bench.

you pull away, despite hyuka’s attempt to follow you. you breathe heavily in each others faces, and kai grins at you.

“i have waited so…” he leans down and presses kisses to your neck and jaw, “so long..” he says lowly. you bite your lip, attempting to hold back a moan as he sucks a hickey onto your neck.

“oh my- kai!” you push against his broad shoulders. “we’re in public!”

he pulls away, pulling you up with him. “we… we could be in private. if you want…” he says, eyes drifting to the street that leads to the hotel he’s staying at, before snapping back to you. it’s as though he cannot bare to not have you in his sight.

“won’t people see us?” you ask, slightly confused as to how he was able to get here, apologize and make out with you all without being recognized. he bites his lip in thought, before his eyes light up.

“do you care where we go?” he asks, eyebrows crinkling up in question.

“…i mean… i guess not…” you state, the syllables turning up at the end in slight confusion.

the last place you expected him to lead you was his tour bus. you stare at him incredulously as he unlocks the door, leading you in hand in hand. you marvel at the expensive equipment.

“kai we are not fucking in your tour bus! what if we don’t clean up well and one of your members notices? we should just go home separately and sext or something-“

he cups your cheeks. “i will make sure everything is fine. there’s a bathroom with enough supplies to clean, i have my own bunk bed. you don’t have to worry baby.” he responds reassuringly. “but, if you don’t want to then that’s fine. we could get some froyo instead? does that sound good?” he says smiling, before walking towards the tour bus door.

god, respectful men are so hot.

you tug his hand, pulling him back. “please,” you mumble, looking away like a child.

he smirks. “please what?” he asks smugly, you know he knows what, and he knows he knows what. he just wanted to hear you say it.

“please… please fuck me kai… went a whole month without you, didn’t talk to or even look at anyone else… only…” he begins kissing your neck, “only you kai… please, i’ve been so good for you..” you moan out.

his fingertips squeeze your waist tightly, pushing you back until you hit a small kitchen counter. he reaches up and softly wraps his hand around your throat, eyebrows raising as he asks for your consent. you respond by placing your hand over his and pushing his hand tighter around your neck. he groans before you launch forward, first kissing his lips down to his neck.

“no,” he says sternly, pulling you back by the neck. “no kissing anywhere but my lips. you cannot leave a mark.” he says seriously. god, him being an idol really sucked sometimes.

you pout at him, looking at him through your eyelashes, “nowhere… else..?” you ask, eyes showing disappointment as he tells you that you can’t mark him up and show everyone he was yours.

he smiles at you reassuringly, cupping your cheek and running his thumb across your cheekbone. “i am still yours, marked or not,” he mutters, slowly leaning closer and brushing his lips against yours by tilting his head up momentarily, silently asking if you felt better. you responded by leaning forward, kissing him softly, making sure he felt all the love you had been longing to give him for a month.

he groans against your mouth, fingers digging into your waist as he grows needer. “fuck… need,,” he mumbles, pressing kisses down your neck, “need to taste you, baby. please,” he makes his way down your sternum, “i’ve been so good, haven’t i… baby..?” he looks up from his crouched spot in between your breasts through his eyelids, watching you watch him. you nod, reaching down and moving his hair out his eyes.

he slowly sinks to his knees, licking his lips as he pressed kisses to your plush belly.

a small , ‘mmm’, escaped him as he felt your stomach sink momentarily at his kiss before plushing up once more.

“kai…” you sigh out, before reaching your hand into his hair and tugging him to look up at you, “you need to hurry up.” the stern tone in your voice had caught him off guard, but made his pants ever tighter around his growing bulge.

his bit his lip, looking down at the waist band of your skirt with hungry eyes. he nods, humming a approving tune and muttering out ‘sorry baby.’ over and over. he finally reaches up to your skirt and tugs it down harshly, the cold hair making your legs prickle up with goosebumps.

he almost drools at the sight of your underwear. kai cannot contain himself any longer, launching himself forward to mouth at your clothed clit. he moans to himself as you tighten your grip on his blue hair, muttering soft praises into the otherwise silent tour bus.

it wasn’t long before he reached up, pulling your panties for the side with one hand and shoving your leg over his shoulder with the other. you brace yourself, but nothing could have prepared you for his lips immediately wrapping around your clit, sucking harshly at your swollen nub. you have lost all sense of dignity and pride, choosing to replace it with kai. kai. kai. kai. you moan out, slightly placing your weight against the counter, fighting the leg on his shoulder to wrap around his head. tugging him ever closer.

“f..fuck kai! so good..” you moan, breathing heavily as he runs his tongue up and down your folds, alternating between pistoning his organ into your hole and swirling and sucking at your clit.

he lets out moans every few moments, sending your hips bucking into his face, “don’t you dare stop, hyu..hyuka..”

he shakes his head against your pussy, fervently telling you that no, he will not stop. not until you’re shaking and his entire face is drenched in your fluids.

and even then, even when you were shaking, desperately trying to get him away from your pulsating pussy, he kept going.

“fuck!! kai! please, i came… please stop!” you borderline shout, the overstimulation driving you crazy as you almost climb onto the counter to get away from his skillful tongue.

finally, a pussy drunk kai pulls away. he breathes heavily, your juices covering from his chin to the bridge of his nose, the window behind you making him glisten.

“sorry,” he muttered half heartedly with his nerdy little voice. you chose to completely lay down on the counter, regaining your sense of reality.

you chuckle, “that was.. kind of crazy.”

“good crazy?” he asked, standing up and rubbing your thighs comfortably.

“mhm,” you mutter, sitting up and reaching your hand to palm his bulge. kai immediately turns bright red, looking at the floor rather than you.

it was wet. drenched, actually. he had already cum. not just once, but twice whilst feeding on you.

he had half expected you to laugh at him, call him a bitchless loser and shame him. instead you kissed him, “such a good boy to cum while pleasing me..”

oh. oh you had unlocked a beast. he growls against your lips, picking you up and shoving you onto one of the small bunk beds in the bus.

“i’ll show you what a good boy i can be.”

epilogue:

kai had at least had the decency to bring you to his hotel room after the staff and members had all gone to sleep. you deserved a good nights sleep after all.

he had helped you limp into the bathroom, where you now sat on the toilet, back leaned against the wall.

he was in between your legs once more, but with a softer intention this time. he softly wiped your folds free of any residue, shushing you everytime you whined at the overstimulation.

“better?” he asked, getting up and wetting his toothbrush, squeezing toothpaste onto its bristles and holding you by your chin. he softly tugged at your chin, encouraging you to open your mouth. he smiled softly when you tiredly obeyed, and began cleaning your mouth.

you stared at him with wide, fucked out eyes. he would glance at you every few moments, before going back to focusing on your teeth. a small, flustered smile lingered on his mouth, and pink dusted his cheeks everytime.

after you were clean, you watched him brush his own teeth with the same toothbrush. you didn’t have it in you to complain.

it wasn’t long before he had you change into his clothes, to which his heart soared after seeing you dawning his shark hoodie, boxers and basketball shorts. he softly tucked you next to him into the hotel bed that smelled so comfortably of him, smiling to himself as you tucked your head into his neck. he squeezed you impossibly closer.

god he loved- wait… was he falling in love with you?

please dm or comment to be added to the taglist!