#i am gonna be bitter about this until i die i dont care if it rots me and me alone

[stormyrainyday]

ive lost count of how many times this exam has made me cry and it doesnt even start until next week i am gonna kill myself i hate med school i hate college i hate my university i need it to end

[kineticallyanywhere]

Matt "I can and will remind everyone that Link is REALLY wierd about Normal with like no real explination at this point" Arnold out here like "let me see if I can underminine my entire point in this character arc defining interaction" and I unironically love him for it Link is SUCH a messy b word rn

(this turned into a long response, let's talk Fascinating Character Flaws!)

I dont think it's so much that he's weird about Normal, if I'm understanding what you mean by 'weird', especially in this episode. I feel like it circles back to what I keep thinking about, which is his newest teen fact. the one where he-- does this count as poisoning? he made other children ill in a fit of jealousy for anyone having any time with his dads.

listen, I've had many homeschooled friends. At one point in college I was the "actually went to public school" member of the friend group. People can go in and out of homeschooling and be... not whatever the heck Link has going on. I was excited for him when that fact started, like, "oh he was part of a cohort!" until uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh!

(the following are thoughts that I'm still developing in my head as I type and probably after I post)

whether it's due to the overprotective parenting or just Link's nature or a Symptom of a Condition (op has their own Condition but is not a psychologist) Link's got an issue with like. not getting what he wants? not usually in super obvious ways, it's not spelled out, he doesn't throw tantrums or anything. unless you count the thing at Normal about Normal not wanting to do "cool plans." and most of the time he doesn't want anything complicated, his wants have been pretty straight forward and in line with what anyone would want in these circumstances. he wants people to not die is the big major one, he wants to not feel betrayed again, he wants his friends to stop fighting, he wants to get this over with NOW. and he's been going through so much of not getting what he wants (COMPLETELY REASONABLE THINGS TO WANT, IN THIS CASE. TRAUMATIC THINGS TO NOT GET) that he seems to not know what he wants at all anymore.

like, his understanding of the world has been rocked so bad that he's pretty sure all those things I just listed just aren't things he can have. in the past whenever he needled his parents or acted out or did certain things he'd get what he wanted. not to say that he's spoiled but uh... okay yeah I am saying that a bit. but mostly in the ways that it keeps him from developing the coping mechanisms for when you ask something from life and it punches you in the teeth instead.

So in a world where he doesn't know how to get what he wants and maybe he isn't sure what he even can want, he's kinda just shutting down internally. In the mean time, he may as well make sure his friends get what they want, and then maybe at some point he'll want something again. so, in a way, what he wants is to feel and want something, so that "wants what he wants" part of him snapped out again at Normal with "well at least you're feeling something." in other words, "you have the thing that I want right now, and I'm gonna sound pretty bitter about not having it myself" which is an effed up thing to say when that thing he's having is a mental breakdown.

Link. Buddy. Bud. Kiddo. Pal. you need Help.

tl;dr and conclusion: imo for their mental health the party should split into Link & Taylor and Scary & Normal again for an episode or two. Norm and Scary for hopefully obvious reasons; and Link and Taylor because while Taylor is unquestionably a rich kid spoiled for material goods who is very good at wanting things, he is also a kid who's mom knows how to say "No. Absolutely Not. Give me the knife right now I don't care what seppuku is" and who's dad left an emotional void for over a decade that he is clearly adept in coping with and he could give Link some pointers.

also because it would be a cool callback and parallel to early episodes to do those pairs again. see how they've changed and stuff

[missingn000]

this is an incredibly random series of thoughts borne of me spinning tpg 42-4 around in my brain (as one does) i am so sorry for how disorganized this is going to get

[edit: i am so sorry for how long this got 😭😭]

“Taken over?” Nanami parrots, and he’s got a bad, bad feeling about this. “By what?”

it's so interesting that nanami uses 'what' rather than 'who' in tpg 42's first question about sukuna, because that framing kinda ties into the fact that until bullying sukuna club starts, the ff perceives him as a monster, a villain from a fairy tale -- and understandably so, because that's all his actions have shown. and this snippet reinforces this idea:

What can Nanami even say? Calling Sukuna a monster is beyond the word pointless.

because at this point, all sukuna is is the one who's nearly killed both his sons and his best friend's husband

“To hear the helpless screams of burning lungs, watching weak insects abandon others in attempt to save themselves...then of course, the really annoying ones try to save everyone.” Sukuna’s hyena grin turns bitter. “I hate heroes.”

OOOOH this is interesting. hold on im gonna talk/theorize more about this later

so. in 42 and 43, all we see are what sukuna says and does, tying into him being mostly framed as either a monster or a comic relief-type character/the butt of the joke; there are hints of sukuna's Tragic Backstory present, but they're fairly vague so far

and then. 44. aka the one where we actually get into sukuna's head. before i even begin pointing out specific quotes, it's so interesting how you've managed to completely flip the readers' perceptive on sukuna, from something that matches the ff's to a more nuanced? view, where the effects of the tragedy that made him who he is today are more clearly visible

Sukuna is stronger than him, of course, and their circumstances aren’t entirely alike, but they’re similar enough to make Sukuna’s skin crawl. And it’s not even his own skin.   The man is too naive. If he ain’t careful, history’s gonna repeat itself.

this terrifies me, but it's also making me think of some of the Backstory Theories from the tpg discord hmmmmmmm [sound of thoughts bouncing around my brain like the dvd logo]

‘He’s here! Everyone run! I’ll hold him off!’ ‘But you’ll die!’ ‘Just go!’

OHHHHHH this reminds me of this quote from getou pov in tpg 22:

‘Please,’ one of them had begged, clutching the hem of his crimson-soaked pants. ‘You can kill me, but please spare my son--’

which i think is particularly interesting for two reasons: 1) getou and sukuna parallels 2) idk if this was intentional (knowing you it probably was) but a significant portion of getou's arc past that point ^ has to do with his son, and his own concept of son-hood (is that a word 💀) in regards to both his birth parents and touji. is it possible that sukuna's backstory/future character development has to do with the concept of heroism?

DONT APOLOGIZEEEE I LOVE LONG COMMENTS AND LONG MESSAGES AND EVERYTHING especially when it's about sukuna. i could deadass talk about him for DAYS and it wouldnt be enough. hes my special.

anyway--

you hit on a lot of interesting points here!! framing sukuna as "what" rather than "who" in nanami's first question was deliberate, a way to contrast how unexpected sukuna's incarnation was. "who" usually indicates some degree of sentience or personification, something almost every curse severely lacks. so right off the bat, the fam wasn't ready for what was about to befall them.

nanami's perception of sukuna is exceptionally bad, especially since his sons were sukuna's major victims. but he realized that in order for toge to stop being afraid of his own brother, a somewhat, uh, unconventional approach would be necessary: thus, bullying sukuna club was born.

it's also important to note that despite treating him like a joke and laughing at his dramatic, violent declarations, the fam actually does still very much see him as a monster. they're doing this because they know it's the only way they can actually get to him, especially since fear and others' terrified perceptions of him are part of what makes him so damn strong. so they laugh at him because it's far better than the alternative -- that said, if one doesn't think about the fact that he's actually carried out the atrocities he colorfully monologues about, they are kinda funny.

.......aaaand then we see the inside of sukuna's head and realize oh no, this is an incredibly self-aware, sad, wet man who desperately needs a hug but would kill (almost) anyone who actually tried to give him one. yet there are still traces of that monster in his thoughts, since that's what Tragic Backstory made him become.

also aughh yeah, getou and sukuna parallels were DEFINITELY intentional. those two have a lot in common, and as 43 revealed there are many parallels with gojo too. you were right to pick up on the notes of sukuna's revulsion towards heroics: perhaps it's something he struggled with in the past. we shall see.......

while getou's redemption arc had much to do with atonement, i'd say sukuna's is about healing. this man has really, really been thru it. sometimes i wonder if his backstory is too sad but at this point we're in too deep

[whatagirlwants]

It’s kinda hilarious how olivia stans on twitter try to re write history and make it seem like olivia is the biggest victim out of the DL 2021 drama… like if anything she got the best outcome out of the three and at the peak of the drama people were sending josh and sabrina death threats on HER behalf. I personally think they just hate the fact that the gp is starting to realize they way this teenage breakout got overdramatized was insane and both sabrina and joshua really didn’t have to go through all of that and they secretly hate it, i fear they want josh and sabrina to get hated on until they die 😵‍💫 goes to show how they were always the bitter ones and they can’t move on

honest thoughts:

i think all fandoms are dramatic. i hate how joshua fans to this day use his “problems” and “infection” (forgot what its called but the thing that happened to him) to this day to make him a saint and an angel. when he isnt and its okay.

Sabrina fans to this day will keep talking about the hate she received when the smart move is to move on and not TIE HER to the DL fiasco. theres a reason she doesnt sing Skin & its also cause she knows Joshua didnt deserve her & she got shit for a relationship that went to shit cause of him. like sabrina said abt skin she isnt in that place anymore.

Olivia fans want to make it all about her how she was 17/18 and had to deal with “narratives” made about her #1 hit song worldwide. when lets be honest like i wouldn’t give a fuck what anyone says if my fav already won the situation cause Olivia did. Like she was the winner and still is the winner so why care if some accounts said anything like her numbers are proving everyone wrong.

which is why i think is weird for some livies account making “troll” accounts to obsess over sabrina and spread fake rumors. like what will you or olivia gain ? does it really bother u to see Sabrina do well ? Olivia is already doing better than her so why try to sabotage someone else.

back to the plot, all fandoms are dramatic, i think everyone needs to move on in some ways.

but i will say i do also hate it when someone brings up an eics track or how joshua also treated Sabrina, theres always a joshua fan replying “its 2023 move on” maybe its cause i hate that when its Olivia everyone cared but if its about Sabrina its “move on”. its not like if someone points out Sabrina lyrics and how it relates to Joshua that it would start the “DL hate train” all over again. cause it cant and wont. it didnt reach the GP and the GP dgaf about joshua they only did when it was all “new” to them. anyways thats just a personal thing that pisses me off personally.

another thing i hate when most Joshua fans / Joshua + Sabrina fans say “we almost had we both know but the hate ruined it” NO. Joshua did not scrap it cause “people were hating on him and sabrina”. he scrapped it cause HE BROKE UP WITH HER. he wasnt gonna release a song with his ex. mind u Sabrina released Skin if anything shes much stronger than Joshua and would’ve not given a fuck what anyone thinks and would've released we both know *if they were together* but Joshua freaked out, pushed her away, brokeup with her over DL. and then lead her on most of 2021 until Sabrina realized this isnt fixable. cause she was writing songs like “tornado warnings” while also still posting “feel something” on her story to support him when they werent together. she commented on his post a 🤍 when she didnt have to cause they weren’t together anymore.

ok i made my point and listed fandom things i hate 😭 anyways some livies just need to move on but so do joshua and sabrina fans from the DL fiasco but (so i dont look biased when u read my posts here) that doesnt mean i wont call out Joshua on his relationship with Sabrina. i am not sending dts or supporting anyone who does im just analyzing the situation thats btwn him and sabrina (not dl &olivia) .cause to me thats not the same situation.

all fandoms will make it about their favs i guess but i agree with u in the part that she got the best outcome so why to rewrite history.

[pinkadork]

I wasnt just tired from the game or being up late. I was tired. I could feel everything getting worse and i kept trying to cling to them. I wanted to show i cared i felt like an ass after the night before id thought on shit and thought i could make it better. I made it worse and then wanted to be hurt about it and i was just an ass. Ive been an ass. But that day i became everything i swore i wouldnt. I cemented everything negative ever said about me. I fucked up. I had been fucking up yeah but i fucked it. I couldnt get past myself and see the bigger picture. I was so caught up in being alone that i didnt even stop once to think. Nigga i hate myself. And i should tbh. I keep being like i miss them i wanns be with them but is also like.

I cant man. Not rn. And maybe mot ever. But certainly not now. I need to find out how fix myself, i gotta be able to not let peoples coping skills that they have intact, be a thing that i feel like plsys into my insecurities. I dont want the insecurities. I love them. And i feel like i always will but like. How do i even show that at this point? And even if i do show that, why does it have to be that i want ti get back with them? I should be okay with just being friends and accept thats what we need to be. I can't pretend i dont have issues, and in the same light i can't act like my heart longs for them. I hate that im like this. I feel like im always gonna be a parsite as long as breathe. People only stay around me and talk to me or wanns do things with or for me because they care right?

But its like base level, dont die, and thats my fault. I'm not trying to gain sympathy but when i talk sbout i feel like i am. I end up feeling like all im doing is seeking attention and validation. I constantly want to know shit like, do you love me, are we good, are we okay, because i always felt like i was fucking up. When shit would get to a certain point and i mean for the worse, it feel like the same thing everytime, i hurt you, you hurt me, we apologize, we press forward but no one really forgives or forgets, we held it and went back and forth and when times were "good" I'd think, man we're gonna be okay, and inevitably something would happen. Sometimes us, sometimes work. Sometimes life . Either way I've felt like i failed you the entire time anyways and then I'd get bitter when you'd confirm it honestly. I'd feel like i kept trying to make thing better and go forward to do what i can to make you happy while we were here despite everything but i didnt fucking just accept that the reason you werent happy was because you were here. It always felt like it was me you wanted to leave not here. To the point i stopped listening even when you clearly werent.

I cant go back to therapy until august, when i do theyre supposed to check me see how im doing on meds and what not. My family doesnt want me to talk to you either. I wanna talk to you, sometimes i feel like too much. But in general i love having you my life. Its weird, its probably gonna be. I wanna try if you wanna try. I wanna show i can listen. I wanna show i care. I wanna show i support you and your choices. It doesn't have to lead to what ive been wanting. I just miss talking to my favorite person. I get my ranking fell. Its fine.

[kyoryu]

My big problem with the ending is that the story had the characters like. At least a few times discuss how they could totally still be friends even after the adventure was over. And like, I understand there’s a metaphor going on about how your life changes and you don’t stay as close to people as you think you might, but like… it kinda comes in out of nowhere in the last two or three episodes. And on top of that, Anne losing Sprig ENTIRELY and then the dialogue implying she, Sasha and Marcy all drifted apart until that reunion just felt overly sad. Puts a lot more ‘bitter’ than sweet in that bittersweet ending than they meant to, I think.

this is gonna be a long answer so sit tight lol.

disclaimer: I LOVE AMPHIBIA OK? my criticism means i care and i am passionate!! maybe too much, but hey, who's doing the math am i right.

ok i absolutely agree with EVERYTHING u say. i think everyone who disliked the ending is in the same page tbh, we all agree on the same stuff.

what u said about mostly bitter than sweet is EXACTLY what i keep saying. like...i do not see the sweet ANYWHERE in that ending. the "sweet" is the girls finally making it home, yet we dont get to see that. we dont even see anne hugging her parents again or anything, and dont get me started on the marcy and sasha's parents thing (ok i will briefly: refusing to give us anything about them just cuz "you wanna leave it up to interpretation" is bullshit. ur writing a story. commit. not showing us sasha and marcy's home lives and families means youre not showing us ANY signs of us rooting for them to go back home, we aren't attached to the idea of it as opposed to sasha's bond with grime and marcy's love for amphibia. it is lousy)

like, people keep telling me im missing the point of an ending that was obvious since episode one and i just disagree so much. where in the world of episode 1 did we see that anne was going to fight the moon, die, meet god and be offered to become god? what the fuck. i keep saying this ending could only work if the stakes weren't so high and the girls didn't spend as much time in amphibia. for anne to separate from the plantars permanently just because "people in life come and go and it hurts but oh well thats life" is so... devastating. like, imagine not being able to see or talk to your family EVER again. because hey thats what lifes like.

"but vinnie they'll obviously see each other again!!!" if u keep saying this, then u just disliked the ending as much as i did and ur in denial lmao. we can make all the hcs we want, they can add all the fix-it they want to marcy's journal (context: matt braly implied marcy's journal could include terri and mr x giving the girls "a surprise" in the timeskip) but yknow the damage is done. the ending is there and it tells you that the plantars and anne say goodbye forever and thats how it is. at least accept it.

"its been set up since ep 1" i completely disagree. season 1 in its entirety is about anne learning to love wartwood. sure it makes sense if u just watch ep 1 because anne is desperate to get home but um, the point is that anne comes to love wartwood and its people and becomes a part of the plantar family. how is that ending an ep1 set up? well, wheres the WHOLE SHOW set up? it makes no sense.

and even for the trio, i understand the growing apart thing but man, after what they went through wouldnt they be bonded for life, having been the only ones to have ever experienced this same trauma, and be closer than ever? especially with the portal permanently gone. id totally be behind it if the portal was open, cuz anne sasha and marcy choose their new amphibian friends over each other to spend time with and eventually come together again as teens, but still close all together bc i cant stress it enough. you dont just grow apart from someone u fought the moon with.

amphibia was already their time apart yknow. again, if the stakes were lower id get it and it'd work. but u cannot have these 3 go through all they did and then try to apply a Down To Earth realistic ending. i dont get it.

like, ur telling me marcy had to move away and she did it happily after being stabbed, comatosed, posessed, etc? sasha and anne stop talking in hs after anne had held onto sasha's arm for dear life before she lets go to her possible death, after they both leaded a fucking army together for a WAR AT 13 YEARS OLD? they just...move on? with a smile? sure it works if you say it does. but if you look it from a writing perspective its just weird, incomplete, lousy. no drama.

everything happens and we dont talk about it. everyone's just freaking happy ig.

i could excuse the sashannarcy separation though but that along with the goodbye forever to amphibia are TERRIBLE combinations. like sasha anne and marcy close this book and open a new one, and how on earth are they even able to do that after everything they we through???

sure im happy theyre happy. it could be that simple. but to me its not. to me this ending ruins the entire show lmao. if u were gonna go for this ending then dont write such an epic story bro lol.

and for the "YOU JUST WANT A STVFOE ENDING/WHAT, IS ANNE NOT SUPPOSED TO SEE HER PARENTS EVER AGAIN?" gang: shut up dingus. no one talked about mixing both worlds or keep anne just in amphibia. thatd be just as bad. they should just have a way to access amphibia whenever they wanted, they met GOD. they literally had any excuse to make this work.

"but thatd be unrealistic" oh so sorry if i dont mind the story about 3 humans landing in a world of frog people, getting superpowers, leading an army, fighting a war, fighting an evil king and posession and the moon, doesn't have a completely realistic ending

"it would be too good to be true" so u agree. u agree the ending wasnt good.

what i would've done to make this ending Work, i would've added 3 simple things.

1. anne is a whole lot more broken up over saying goodbye to amphibia forever. shes not that calm about it. she's upset and thinks its unfair.

2. we get to see anne reunite with her parents back home

3. in the 10 year timeskip, we get an open ended situation with the trio opening a portal and its up to interpretation if this is the first time theyve done it or not.

thats it. i still wouldnt be a fan, i think anne deserves to grow up being able to see her family, but i think if they wanted that ending that badly they shouldve at least added those things. idk.

BASICALLY: i get what they were trying to do. it just does not work with the kind of epic high stakes story they've decided to write.

[violetnotez]

HC: Being Handcuffed to the Boys

I only did Midoriya and Bakugo because Im lazy-sry- but I hope you enjoy! :)

|Part 2 w/ Kirishima+Shouto|

(RULES | MASTERLIST| REQUESTS OPEN!!! :))

Midoriya

Midoriya, as sweet and intelligent as he is, was NOT that smart that day

He was studying hero terminology, laws and rules to help him be a better hero, until a thought popped in his head- what if he needed to know how to use handcuffs? Like in some random situation where he needed to detain someone and the only thing he could was use handcuffs, could he do it?

Of course he could but he over thought it and convinced himself he COULDNT and began to slightly freak out

So of course he called you, but he didnt give you ANY info to go off of why he needed you so badly and it kind confused and worried you

“Y/n- I need you to come over quickly”

“Why, is something wrong or-”

“No, no, nothings wrong! Just- come over soon-please?”

“Im coming, Im coming, dont worry….”

When you finally got to his dorm room, you expected him to have some super important news to tell you- like he was hurt, or there was a huge pop  quiz you two needed to study for ASAP...but you were met with  blushing Midoriy holding hndcuffs

KiNkY

You just stared at him and at the handcuffs with a huge WTH face

You dont have the slighest idea of were he had HANDCUFFS

“Umm care to explain why you have handcuffs?”

He explains it to you, and you wanna laugh at how adorably overreactive your boyfriend is but you dont because you wnt him to know you take his concerns seriously

 So he tells you his plan- he was going to put one side of the handcuffs on you as if your were a villian, and one on him (the smart thing to do, he said, so if they couldnt escape because theyd be attached to him), and then take them off. Easy peasy!

NOT EASY PEASY

He put his side of the hand cuff with ease, but when it came to you it took FOREVER

He was so scared to hurt you (like pinch your skin or something) it took him 3 whole minutes to crank it closed

“Midoriya, why are you taking so long?”

“Well-I dont want to hurt you!” he blushed, sweating alittle as he tried his best to not potentially hurt you

“Your not going to hurt me- besides, I thought I was supposed to be a ‘villian’?”

“But- your not a villian- your my girlfriend! And I cant hurt my girlfriend!” he would protest as you laughed at his cuteness

Once it was finally on, Izuku felt way more relaxed- he did it,he could do it, and he wouldnt have to worry about some wierd freak scenario where he couldnt use handcuffs

So, naturally, you ask is he could unlock you guys since he was content with his work

“Yeah of course!” hed say with a sigh of relief until he’ll realize- he forgot where the key was

He’ll start sweating alot and you’ll get super concern

“Izuku, are you all right?”

“Umm….”he confess timidly, “I may or may not have…. Forgotten where the key is.”

Not gonna lie, youre gonna freak out a little

Your literally HAND CUFFED to your boyfriend

He spends 30 minutes in a rampage looking for it (yanking and dragging you around his room in the process)

“I know its here, I just had it, Ill find it I promise-”

Your wrists was turning red from the constant yanking and you had to finally just tell him to stop and figure out another way out of them

You two sit on his bed and thought for a moment- Midoriya’s first thought was Iida and Ochaco, since their his best freinds

But you didnt know for sure what they would do but ask awkward questions and freak out a little like you both did

You then thought of Mina with her acid quirk, but then thought better of it- she didnt have the best control over it and you didnt feel like having your skin melted off

And she was besties with Kaminari and Sero, the biggest pervs at UA, so if they even caught a glance at you two theyd take it the wrong way and you two wouldnt hear the end of it

You giys pondered on what to do next until Midoriya finally got an idea

“What if we go to Hatsume? She has so many gadgets she must have a way to unlock us”

You groaned- you were okay with Hatsume, her perosnality was a little- loud- which was fine, its just you could totally tell she had the hots for Deku and you didnt really appreciate that side of her...but she was your best bet….

“Fine, lets go”

The walk to the her workshop was tortorius- you two both wrapped yourselves up in your biggest jackets to hide the handcuffs so no one could see (even though it was the middle of the afternoon) and holding each others hand so it looked like you were just holding hands and nothing more

It was nerve wracking- you didnt want any of opur classmates to talk to you, let alone see you until you had those CUFFS OFF

When you finally get there, you were so grateful Hatsume was by herself 

And as perky as ever

Izuku tells about your guys predicament timidly as you both have huge blushes

But Hatsume doesnt seem to care about your embarrasment or how you got into that situation at all- shes just excited to try out a “new baby” 

She interjects Izuku with a loud outburst and begins to whip out a bunch of crazy looking gadgets

You look at Midoriya with a skeptical look but you allow her to get close and try to relese you guys

Surprisingly, after a few minutes you were free, and the sound of cold metal hit the tiles

You both rubbed your wrists happy to be out of those restraints

You start to laugh from relief, thanking Hatsume and turning to Midoriya with a stern grin

“Im  not going to ask today….but one day I will figure out how you got those handcuffs”

*small gulp from Izuku

Bakugo

Some days you wonder if your friends WANT to die

You and Bakugo had had a thing for each other for weeks

It was painfully obvious- you would be a blushing mess with Bakugo, giving him the biggest comebacks whenever he was mean to you all the while so red you looked liked you would explode

Bakugo was such a rude dirtbag to you most of the girls wondered how you restrained yourself from slapping him, calling you mean names and criticizing you for the smallest things

But if anybody hurt you or even said you were cute or pretty

OH NO

He would become so angry and possessive it was terrifying

So, since all of Class 1A was sick of hearing you deny any sort of love towards Bakugo and sick of almost getting their hair fried off by Bakugo if they even mentioned your name, they decided to take matters into their own hands

One day, Mina had called you over, leading you over to Kirishima and Bakugou

Your heart already began to quickly start beating just being near him

Bakugo huffed, hating how just seeing that annoyingly pretty face of  yours put his body into overdrive

“Whyd you bring this extra over?”

You rolled your eyes with your cheeks on fire, pretending like the comment didn't hurt as Mina gasped at his blatant rudeness

“Whatever, Bakugo, your just still bitter that I beat you in training last week-”

“Howd you beat me?! I was distracted for 2 seconds, that was no win-”

“Really?! So eating the dirt because I had KO-ed your cocky ass doesn't mean-”

“It means jack shit baka!”

Unknowing to the both of you as you bickered, Kaminari was sneaking behind you two with a pair of handcuffs while Sero followed him with an evil grin from behind

Before you two even knew it, Kaminari had clasped one side of a pair of hand cuffs to one of your wrists and one to Bakugos, Sero using his tape quirk to keep you two from squirming

You were confused and startled on what was even going on, while Bakugo was extremely pissed off

“What the hell do you think youre doing you idiots!”

“Cool down Spiky, or youll blow a fuse!” Sero laughed at his handiwork as you both squirmed to get out on the restraints

“Im gonna do worse than blow a fuse,” Bakugo spat at the whole grorup, “Im gonna blow up your asses into space once I get out of this!”

“Ohhh no your not!” Kirishima smirked at Bakugo”s clearly agitated face and your distressed expression “You two are going to stay like this until you can act like normal human beings around each other”

“Kirishima this isnt cool!” you whined, “How long am I going to have to be attached to this rabid hedgehog?!” You nodded towards Bakugo, who clearly didn't like your comment

“Rabid hedgehog?!” Bakugo shrieked, “Say that one more time and Ill-”

“And youll blast me into space? Fry me into Hell? Kick my ass into next week? Save your breath Katsuki, Ive heard every threat you can throw at me!” You snapped at Bakugou, your annoyance and stress of being stuck to him for God’s no how long making you jumpy-you cant be stuck to your crush YOU CANT

Bakugo looked like a fish gulping for a water as he was looking for a come back to that, as Kirishima, Sero, and Kaminari looked shocked and amused by a stuttering Bakugo

“You guys are gonna stay together for as long as you need to,” Kirishima said, “we have the key to unlock the cuffs, so when you guys are ready- just come and get one of us!”

The group walked out, Sero and Kaminari betting how long it would take you two to have an agreement as Kirishima pushed them out the door

You stood there with Bakugou awkwardly for a few moments, him unable to look at you-his cheeks were on fire because of one little thing you said earlier

And you didnt even know GOD DAMMIT

You looked at Bakugou, thinking he was just ignoring you like usual- the BrAt

You sighed, “Look- if were going to be chained up like this, might as well get some things off our chests….” you swallowed hoping he couldnt feel your hand shake from being so close to him

He didnt say anything, your voice ringing in his ears and making me him shiver- GOD DAMMIT WHY WAS HE SO DAMN WEAK FOR YOU

He didnt say anything for a while, making you feel hurt and kinda bored

“Fine then, if you dont want to talk, at least walk with me to the kitchen-”

“You called me Katsuki.” He grumbled, still not wanting to look at you

“What?” You looked at him, confused on WHY he wouldnt look at you and why calling him by his first name was such a big deal

 “You called me by my first name-Katsuki.”

“Okkkkaaaay,” you drawled out, completely confused and annoyed, “dont know why that would bother you so much but can we plese just-”

Bakugo huffed in annoyance, his cheecks on fire, “You dont get it do you baka?! No one calls me Katsuki because Id kick their asses if they ever did-but-”

“But what?” you asked kinda gentle, seeing Bakugo struggling to say something to you and curiosity was getting to you

Is He GoNnA ConfeSS ;o

“But-you-said….it...and I-I-was...okay with it….” he struggled out, his face contorting so much to just push that out of him you were kinda worried

You looked at him, completely amused and not really taking him seriously

“That was it? I said your first name and you didnt have the urge to rip my head off like you usually do? I guess we can consider that progress!” you kinda laughed nervously, making Bakugo wish you would laugh again and then cursing at himself for thinking that

He hated how you made his head feel dizzy and it was making him angry

“You dont get it do you baka?!” he shouted aggresively, “I was okay with it because I like you and I fucking hate it!”

You stopped breathing, your eyes wide with shock and your brain seeming to shut down

“You-you-like- me? Like- more than a- friend?” you stuttered, looking at his face which was now obviously red

“See anyone else in the room? Of course its you who else would I fucking say that to!” he retorted, wishing the heat in his face would BACK OFF

OH CRAPPPPPPPPPPPP HE CONFESSED YALL :D

“I like you too….Katsuki,” you smiled, watching his face get even redder

  “Awww you look so cute blushing!”

“Shut up you baka!”

You laughed, making him feel all warm and squishy inside

“Well, I guess Kaminari is going to owe Sero $20- we deifnitely got this figured out in under an hour.”

-----------------------------------

I hope your day (or night) is going well!

REQUESTS + MATCHUPS ARE OPEN!

[godsporncollection]

Saturday GC Sessions Summary

Topics, quotes, and summaries of the talks given in the Saturday sessions of the fall 2020 General Conference (with occasional commentary in parenthesis)

*This is (mostly) written from a TBM pov, so I’ve glossed over many... unsavory things. That said, if you’re gonna quote this, definitely proofread it first because I occasionally switch to exmo pov. 

Sunday Sessions (long version)

Sunday Sessions (shorter version)

Russel M Nelson

Hopeful, holy bullshit/look at all the spiritually awesome stuff we're doing/gonna do. (idk, there didn't really seem to be much of a talk there)

David A Bednar

Tests in school are as important as the tests of us living on earth. 

"Prove, examine, and try."  

"If ye are prepared, ye shall not fear." 

Susan and I looked over our food storage and learned that we did well in most areas, but found some expired things we were afraid would unleash another global pandemic. 

Remember, when loved ones die, and you don't know why, god does. It's a lesson in faith. 

Scott D Whiting

How to be more like christ. 

Wife and I were in Japan, hiking up a mountain; it was hard because altitude. 

One step at a time is how we become more like christ. 

Honesty is important, honesty with ourselves.

You can ask others how they view you, but god is a better person to ask, with his perfect view of us. 

REPENT! to be the best version of ourselves. Change your heart and mind to be like christ. 

Choose one attribute to focus on at a time. Constantly ask god for help, but don't be selfish. 

"Be the tide that raises all boats in the harbor." 

Recognize that desired attribute in others. Put in a lot of effort. 

Caution- don't feel guilty, unworthy, or unloved; that is not what life is about. 

You are good enough and loved, but that doesn't mean you're a perfect version of yourself.

Michelle D Craig

Story of Elijah for allegory of struggling to see how god is in your life. 

Wait and trust in god. Pray for the lord to open your eyes. Understand how god sees you. 

Ask yourself: what am I doing that I should stop and what should I be doing? 

Stop looking at your phone. I think it's a good time to multitask, but the spirit told me to stop and the next day, while in line at the grocery store, I looked at the people around me instead. I saw old man and struck up a conversation with him based on what was in his cart (cat food). He said it was his birthday so I wished him a happy birthday. This guy needed me to see him. 

A story of a friend who separated from her husband and hoped nobody would talk to her at church. A young woman kept looking back at her and came up to her after sacrament meeting. The young woman told her she loved her and they became friends and it helped her because she felt noticed and cared about. 

Ask god to help you see others and act to affirm their lives. This is how we identify our own purpose.

Quentin L Cook

Righteousness. Female followers of brigham young found career opportunites in Utah and friends in the native americans. (Gave a whole bullshit Utah thanksgiving story, complete with rewriting history so white people can feel better about themselves for feeding the natives). There is unity in respect. Historically, we have not been perfect, but that is the goal. We don't need to have all the blessings of god to be righteous. Love god and fellow man to live in eternal peace and happiness with god. "Historical record" in 1 nephi shows there were no happier people because of righteousness. But then that society was destroyed so much that mormon asked how they would avoid punishment. We live in that latter time, not unity. Our challenge is to lift and bless society as a whole. Demonstrated by ethnic harmony and an all inclusive doctrine. Unity and diversity are not opposites. All races and colors are children of god. Laws written in god's chosen land (US) were written by imperfect men, but inspired by god for equal treatment of all men. Remember that we were onced very opressed because we wanted to share jesus' love. If you are not united, you are not god's children. Gosple culture is greater than regional cultures. We honor pioneers because of their struggles.

Ronald A Rasband

Supplying the world with temples is a holy duty. 

Sacred ordinaces lead to exaltation. 

"Temples rise above the ways of the world. Every temple... stand as testaments to our faith and eternal life and the joy of spending it with our families and heavenly father. They increase understanding of the godhead and the everlasting gospel and commitment to live and teach truth and our willingness to follow the example of jesus." 

I learned an important lesson while visiting my father in law as he was dying; that temple recommends are important, even while dying. 

The worthiness interview "is not about do's and dont's. It is about finding your worthiness and to testify of your devotion to the gospel teachings." 

(I stopped paying attention for a while.) 

Hunter said his biggest desire was to have every member hold a temple recommend. 

Come get yo rec's! "Whether you have access to a temple or not, it is still important to remain and prove your worthiness." 

(I'm really struggling to pay attention to this guy and holy shit he stressed "be patient" while I was typing that.)

Dallin H Oaks

"The lord's teachings are for eternity and for all of god's children." 

My examples will be US-centric, but I'm sure that the issues the US face are universal, right? 

Destrucitve behavior in political statements are not good. 

Remember that JC said to love your enemies. Contention is of the devil, not JC. It isn't easy. Seek and ye shall find the strength to love. 

Follow the laws of man. 

Nobody can make us angry, it is our choice to be angry. 

(Reference to The King and I-) learn about other people's culture. 

Don't participate in rioting. 

Wait, he's supporting the first ammendement- oh, the stress here is on the word "peaceful". We must do better to end racism. But remember to be peaceful! No violence. Anarchy is evil. Lincoln said "there is no greivance that is a fit object of redress by mob law". It undermines individual rights, not protects. 

The US was started by diverse people! We're inherintly diverse! Here's a diverse (british) example!

AFTERNOON SESSION

D Todd Christofferson

There's a 2030 sustainable development agreement thingy. It's got 17 goals including- no poverty, no hunger, quality education, gender equality, clean water and sanitation, and decent work. It is interesting and important. 

More important is a sustainable society. 

Two biblical examples: 1. The city of enoch. They were of one heart and one mind. 2. The 1st generations of nephites an lamanites. No envies nor strifes. No murders or lying. No happier people than them. Love thy neighbor. Every man seeking the interests of his neighbor. Virtues uphold these societies. 

Then they became exceedingly wicked and millions died in wars amongst themselves. 

"When people turn from a sense of accountability to god and begin to trust instead in the arm of flesh (?)", disaster lurks. 

A good life is more important than a long life. 

I'm so fucking blessed, so this really isn't a good topic for me, but here we are. 

The light of christ is what uneducated people call a consience. 

"When one has no higher god than himself, and seeks no greater good than satisfying his own appetites and preferences, the effects will be manifest in due course. A society, for example, in which individual consent is the only constraint on sexual activity is a society in decay. Adultery, promiscuity, elective abortion and out of wedlock births are but some of the bitter fruit that grow out of the immorality sanctioned by the sexual revolution." This leads to poverty and fatherless families, sometimes in multiple generations, and deficient education and mental destruction. 

"Our joyous message is that there is a better way through god... (the core truths of this message are) god lives, he is the heavenly father of our spirits, that as a manifestation of his love, he's given us commandments that lead to a fullnes of joy with him, that JC is the son of god and our redeemer, that he suffered and died to atone for sins on condition of our repentance, that he rose from the dead, bringing to pass the resurrection of human kind, and that we will all stand before him to be judged."

Steven J Lund

My son had cancer. It was hard. He was in lots of pain, but still wanted to go to church even when his mom suggested he stay home. He knew he inspired others when they saw him there, representing the savior by willingly suffering to serve. 

All youth programs are there to help them be more like JC. 

They are surrounded by things that keep helping them do that, but they're still making mistakes, so parents and leaders need to step up (potterheads grab your wands).

Gerrit W Gong

Family of 10 is hated by neighbors, nobody likes them until their house burns down. Then they were showed kindness, hope, and understanding by their neighbors helping them. 

"Our 2020 bicentenniel proclamation begins with the profoundly inclusive promise that god loves his children in every nation of the world. Each of us in every nation... god promises covenants, and invites us to come partake of his abundant joy and goodness. God's love for all people is affirmed throughout scripture that love encompasses the abrahamic covenent, gathering his scattered children, and his plan of happiness. In the house of faith, there are to be no strangers, no foreigners, no rich and poor, no outside others. As fellow citizens with the saints, we're invited to help the world for the better, from inside out; one person, one family, one neighborhood at a time. This happens when we share the gospel." 

Church materials are available in many regions and languages. We're gonna focus on that for a while. (And I stopped paying attention again. This dude is boring af. And I have a high threshold for boring right now) 

Talking about how members do charity work.

W Christopher Waddell

Some kid said it was the greatest day of his life to meet this guy who talks to the profit a couple of times a week. The story is given with the obvious topic of "we thank thee oh god for a prophet". 

Prophets tell us to prepare for crisis. 

We understand your struggles and want to express that there are better days ahead. Church leaders can help you. 

The lord loves effort. 

Have stores of food and money, but don't go to extremes in your efforts to establish those things. 

We have a brochure on finances with quotes from people about how god will provide. 

Remember Joseph in Egypt. 

"All things are spiritual to the lord and not at any time has he given us a law which is temporal." 

Manage your finances and have food storage.

Matthew S Holland

The feeling of Alma remembering his sins are as painful as passing a kidney stone (?!). 

Repentance will bring us relief. 

We have no idea how bad our suffering will be if we don't repent. 

"Medical science, professional counseling or legal rectification can help alleviate such suffering but note, all good gifts including these, come from the savior. Regardless [of] the causes of our worst hurt or heartaches, the ultimate source of relief is the same: JC. He alone holds the full power and healing balm to correct every mistake, right every wrong, adjust every imperfection, mend every wound, and deliver every delayed blessing." 

When you feel like nobody could understand your suffering, remember that jesus can. 

"Suffering in righteousness helps qualify your for, rather than distinguishes you from, god's elect."

William K Jackson

An Indian dude didn't want to turn his back on his culture in order to convert with the rest of his family. But JC was able to open his eyes to a different viewpoint. 

Our original culture is the culture of Adam and Enoch. It is the greatest of all cultures. There is no "us v them" mentality in the greatest of all cultures. 

"We believe that we are responsible and accountable for ourselves, each other, the church, and our world. Faith in JC is the first principle of our culture, and obedience to his teachings and commandments is the outcome.” 

“It is a culture of covenants and ordinances, high moral standards, sacrifice, forgiveness, repentance, and caring for the temple of our bodies. It is a culture of the preisthood, the authority to act in god's name, the power of god to bless his children. It edifies and enables individuals to be better people, leaders, mothers, fathers, and companions- and it sanctifies the home. In the culture of christ, women are elevated to their proper and eternal status. They are not subservient to men, as in many cultures in today's world, but full and equal partners here and in the world to come.” 

“The family is the basic unit of eternity. The perfection of the family is worth any sacrifice" because, as has been taught, "no other success can compensate for failure in the home." 

This culture is concerned with things of lasting worth. 

It is inclusive, not exclusive. 

"Because this culture results from the application of our savior's teachings, it helps provide a healing balm of which our world (cue crying) is in such desperate need. What a blessing it is to be a part of this grand and (voice wavering) *noble* way of life. The church is hardly a western society or an american cultural phenomenon. it is an international church, as it was always meant to be. New members from around the world bring richness, diversity, and excitement into our ever-growing family!" (hallelujah!) 

Indian dude joined the church, of course. 

"What a marvelous heritage (quiet sob) we all share!"

Dieter F Uchtdorf

Because of a threat from the US military, the SLC temple was buried during constrution. When the threat had passed, they excavated it and found that many stones in the foundation had cracked and were replaced. "Finally, the saints could sing How Firm a Foundation and know their holy temple was built on a foundation that would last for generations.” 

“This story can teach us how god uses adversity to bring about his purposes." Which is an appropriate topic these days.

We mourn with those who have lost loved ones to covid. 

"My message today is that even though this pandemic is not what we wanted or expected, god has prepared his children and his church for this time." 

We will do more than survive, we will move forward and we will be better as a result. 

We are like seeds that must be buried before they can sprout. "The love of god and blessing of the restored gospel of JC will bring something unimaginable to spring forth." 

Hardships strengthen our character. 

"What we learn from biblical examples? 1. The righteous are not given a free pass that allows them to avoid the valleys of shadow... 2. Our heavenly father knows that we suffer, and because we are his children, he will not abandon us..." 

"Our best days are ahead of us, not behind us. This is why god gives us modern revelation." 

(I stopped paying attention during an aviation allegory.) 

Stories of new/potential converts going to appointments early because of excitement. "Our missionaries are busier than ever."

WOMEN'S SESSION

Sharon Eubank

Story of a kid rewarded with his favorite pie for doing chores. He was selfish when his sister asked if she and her friend could have some because they didn't earn it, but changed his mind later. This showed that he was willing to change and show kindness to those who didn't deserve it. 

"By union of feeling, we obtain power with god." 

I don't like this world. It sucks and I want to make it better and sometimes I feel powerless, but I have done lots of soul searching and have three suggestions. 

1. Have mercy. Jacob 2:17, but replace the word "substance" with the word "mercy". We need more mercy in our ministering. "If you would have god have mercy on you, have mercy on each other." 

2. Make your boat swing. Rowing definition: "swing" is when all are rowing in such perfect unison that not a single action is out of sync. Somehow, individuality is crucial to this; clones couldn't do it. "Differences can be turned to advantage instead of disadvantage." This makes you go fast and they won because of that. 

3. Clear away the bad as fast as the good can grow. Jacob 5: good tree is planted in good ground but was corrupted. A servant asks that the tree be given another chance and then the tree grows good fruit. JC is like the owner of the vinyard, and gives us mercy, if we can give it to each other. 

"I believe the change we seek in ourselves and in the groups we belong to will come less by activism and more by actively trying every day to understand one another" because we're building zion. 

As women, we have broad influence to remove prejudice and build unity. "I offer this invitation: be part of a collective force that changes the world for good." We're supposed to help others. "The women of this church have the potential to change society."

Rebecca M Craven

(I... I can't focus on this woman long enough to piece together what the fuck she's saying. Sorry.) 

I think the overall topic is changing yourself to atone/repent.

Cristina B Franco

This year has given us many surprises that have left us broken. 

Personal story about getting a piano. One of the delivery guys slipped and broke it. The delivery guys went back to arrange the delivery of a new piano, but her husband asked if it could just be repaired instead. The manager said "the wood is broken, and once the wood is broken, it can never sound the same." 

We are like the broken piano, feeling broken and that we'll never be the same again. "However, as we come unto JC by exercising faith in him, repenting, and making and keeping covenants, our brokenness, whatever it's cause, can be healed [by the savior's healing power to make us better than we were.]." Faith in god heals us. 

Story of Alma where god promised to ease their burdens. 

(Really long quote  from Alma that she doesn't source). 

The savior is a refuge from the storm. 

(Is there a rule that women can't have more than 20% original content in their talks? What is with all the quotes from other people, with barely anything to make them relate to each other?)

THAT'S MY HIGH SCHOOL CHOIR TEACHER DIRECTING THE SEPT 2014 CHOIR!!!

Bonnie H Cordon

JC is the light and the life of the world; the light that shines in the darkness. 

Shit's been hard these last few months, but we see you praying and working hard to seek out JC.

Video

Gloomy shit and then "inspiring/soothing" pics of JC, then those same gloomy people are shown being happy while doing normal, everyday stuff. Lots of black people to show diversity and even a deaf woman signing in a video chat on her phone. (It's driving me crazy that i can't remember the song that's playing.) Then back to a pic of JC.

Henry B Eyring

"Every day we are approaching closer to the glorious moment when the savior JC will come to earth again." 

"As the beloved daughters of heavenly father, and as the daughters of the lord JC in his kingdom, you will play a crucial part in the grand times ahead." 

Prepare to live as the people in the city of enoch did. 

Another unsourced quote of "what will happen in this last dispensation of the fulness of times": (was that wording really necessary?) dark skies, earthquakes, etc, but chosen people will be fine. They'll all be gathered into one place (that we could... maybee.... do something to? jk. unless...?). 

Women will be at the heart of creating that society. 

Quotes about the importance of women and the relief society. 

Quotes about how pure and faithful the city of Enoch was. 

"My experience has taught me that heavenly father's daughters have a gift to allay contention and to promote righteousness with their love of god and with the love of god they engender in those they serve." (fuck you) 

Seeing a household without a preisthood member gave me glimpse of zion because the women were supportive and loving.

Why is it Oaks again?

"In the world, ye shall have tribulation, but be of good cheer, i have overcome the world." 

Today, "we are also troubled on every side, and we also need that same message not to despair, but to be of good cheer." 

JC knows your wants and fears. 

"Be of good cheer." 

"Be of good cheer." 

"Be of good cheer." 

Opposition is essential (anyone know of that musical 'my turn on earth' or am i just old? I've got 'opposition' stuck in my head). 

Shit sucks right now. Covid and election shit, the election shit is bad "the most severe many of the oldest of us can ever remember." People are dealing with "the many adversities of mortality: poverty, racism, sickness, job loss, wayward children, bad/no marriages, and the effects of sin" but "be of good cheer." (broken record much?) 

Poor JS had lots of adversities! But he still managed to "maintain his native cheery temperament and the love and loyalty of his people." The pioneers had it hard, too, but they still "were of hope and good cheer." 

(If I heard this right) The orignal missionaries were sent out for up to 7 years. 

The presidency loves you and cares about you and we pray for you (y'all should look up 'ill pray for you' by Jaron Lowenstein, btw. i promise it's hilarious). 

"There is boundless power in the doctrine of the restored gospel of JC. Our unshakeable faith in that doctrine guides our steps and gives us joy. It enlightens our minds and gives strength and confidence to our actions. This guidance and enlightenment and power are promised gifts we have recieved from our heavenly father. By understanding and conforming our lives to that doctrine, including the divine gift of repentance, we can be of good cheer as we keep ourselves on the path of eternal destiny, reunion, and exaltation with our loving heavenly parents." (sidenote- I typed that quote really fast with very few mistakes and I'm very proud of myself. I'm sure I've never typed that fast and correctly in my life.)

Russel M Nelson

Shit's been hard and different than normal. 

We greive with the women who have experienced loss. 

Social media is evil for young women, but "many of you have found ways to encourage others and share our savior's light." 

The future gonna be lit, yo. 

"If ye are prepared, ye shall not fear." 

"Moroni prepared his people in three essential ways:”

“1. He helped them create areas where they would be safe; places of security, he called them.” "Create a home that is a place of security." 

“2. He prepared the minds of the people to be faithful unto the lord.”  "Each time we have the faith to be obedient to god's laws, even when popular opinions belittle us, or each time we resist entertainment or ideaologies that celebrate covenant breaking, we are exercising our faith, which in turn increases our faith." "Life without god is a life filled with fear. Life with god is a life filled with peace." 

“3. He never stopped preparing his people; physically or spiritually." "The adversary never stops attacking, so we can never stop preparing. The more self-reliant we are, temporally, emotionally, and spiritually, the more prepared we are to thwart satan's relentless assualts." 

"We have so much to look forward to. The lord placed you here, now, because he knew you had the capacity to negotiate the complexities of the latter part of these latter days. He knew you would grasp the grandeur of his work and be eager to help bring it to pass. I am not saying that the days ahead will be easy, but I promise you that the future will be glorious for those who are prepared, and those who continue to prepare to be instruments in the lord's hands." 

"Embrace the future with faith."

[nineherbscharm]

would you be willing to share the story about that affair or is it not fun

tbh its a lot less exciting than it sounds i just like phrasing it that way for thee drama

also he knows my tumblr url tho i sincerely doubt he knows what tumblr is so like. on the .1% that he's here hiiiiiii bestie

but uhhh when i was in sophomore year of undergrad i decided like. fuck it. im gonna get fetlife. so i signed up and like, started looking around for people interested in the same very specific thing as me and i started talking to this guy

we met at a starbucks after chatting a bit and i kinda. freaked out. like i was nauseous and shaking and could barely make eye contact. also the first thing he asked me once we were sat down was "how long have you been into spanking" and then we just. talked about kink for an hour straight. he drove me back to my dorm and then i was so endorphins and shit that i could not eat for two days straight oop

every time we played was. very very very good and everything i wanted and i fell in love w him o o p. like it was the first time i could rlly embrace fetish stuff that i wanted/needed lichrally my entire life and my first significant experience with it. like, ive been in the bdsm scene but this wasnt that, it was a lot more specific and based on a v specific shared experience + shared desires that are rlly hard for vanillas and non-fetishists to grok. so like. it was fucking intense.

and then when i went home for the summer some shit went down in his personal life and he was like "hey i can't see you still friends tho?" and i had a breakdown

and THEN we were like. hey. we should see each other again actually things are better now right before covid hit so like. i am still upset and bitter about that and will be until i die. we played once more before i was like. probably never gonna see him again and sort of addressed the fact that i had caught feelings and it was v. healing? that's not the right word but it was def necessary.

i still love him/would be his submissive in a heartbeat but he doesnt want that and im not stupid enough to like. give up a scholarship for a man who only wants me as a fwb. like not that he disrespects me he's a saint for dealing w me thru my breakdown over him it's just where his feelings are and im cool w that. probably will always have like a v big love for him but now its in a chill way. when i reblog like emotional romantic moodboards or whatever 99% of the time its bc they made me think of him.

overall i would not recommend getting into a sexual relationship with someone who is 40 yrs old when yr like under 25, like i see my experience overall as a net positive, like very positive for me, my advice to baby fetishists or whatever reading this is to be a lot more careful in terms of basic safety and also feelings. build up a network so you dont have all these feelings of being seen and understood and allowed to have desires resting on One Person

also his wife like, knew and was ok with it. i met her she's v nice. she saw me get spanked.

[emperorofbullshit]

This is gonna be me ranting and whining about how annoyed I am at my own mediocrity and how I manipulate the people around me as a coping mechanism to delude myself into thinking I am doing pretty alright and I shouldn't complain because I have it good

Since 14 years old there has been much discord in my family. My father is an alcoholic and not just a normal one. He would go to work at 6, get off work at 12 and then come home after 6 more hours of drinking. There are 7 days in a week and out of those 7, in at least 5 I have had to hide in my room because I was scared of him. He would yell, he would call me names, he would even make threats saying things like :

"I have 2 sons. Do you see that window? I could throw you out of it and only have one son."

To a 14 year old kid who is scared shitless but can't show emotion on his face, those words were always taken at face value and I always had no doubts on him being unable to keep his words. I am the eldest of 2 sons and thus I had to take the brunt of the "parental dedication", as they call it, and was always pushed for excellence. They would always say : "Get good grades, make good friends, go outside, go study, go do this and go do that" in and out every day. From 3rd grade I have been taking courses on languages, sports and math at times and I would leave home at about 6:45 AM every day to get to school at 7:30 and I would go from school which ended more often than not at 13:30 to English courses and then to either Deutch courses or basketball practice which would end at roughly 6PM.

My parents loved achievements but did next to nothing to help me feel anything other than anger towards getting any. They would always go on and on about good grades so you can get the prize money, good grades so you can get in a good school, good this, good that and I subconsciously avoided being in the spotlight because I actually felt gratification from being able to see their dreams shatter into dust and fir a while, that was the inly thing that kept me going. Just the look on their faces, the tone on their voice, the gleam in their eyes. The gleam of someone realizing that their hopes and dreams of greatness were just turned to dust. I still have that side of me, I just choose to keep it under control but it want's to get loose once a while.

And so my life continued until 9th grade when ai decided to stop all couses because I was sick and tired of them and so I stopped going. Then came high school, this circus, part of which I am as of writing this text most if not all of you will skip because it's just way too long.

In the first year of highschool I had fun. I made some new friends and hung with them a bit and I also met the one person I thought I could trust because she was like me, except unlike me, she still had hope and she still had her parents, albeit controlling, with her, rather than against her.

I gave her counsel when she needed it and we hit it off. She was a great friend while it lasted. I knew from the beginning that she and I would most certanly not make it through the year as friends so I had as much fun as possible with her.

I told her a very tiny fraction about my life and jokingly but never untruthfully told her how my mind works and what I do to people around me, her included. I talked her about relationships once and I helped her out too because she had a guy she liked and he liked her back. This guy just so happened to also be a friend of mine so I thought : "Why not help my friend get together with my other friend?", and subtly but surely I made them get together faster.

That was basically the premise of the first year. A pretty average story but I left out the part where the alcoholism and mental abuse at home never stopped. I put focus on this one girl because helping her out was my coping mechanism.

Then came the second year. This girl had gotten together with her man and they were very happy to be together and still are, after all I am still in my 2nd year of high school writing this, but back to topic. The second year of high school was wierd to say the least because of the pandemic and our classes were split in half. Me, being the pupeteer I am, decided to pull some strings and set my annoying classmates away with sweet words and deals that sounded too good to be true, and ended up with the best classmates I wanted, part of which was my target for the second year. My target was a girl this time. She was and still is, pretty, smart, and very comfortable for me to be around but she and i had never actually talked at all. Wd had exchanged a sentence once on our 1st year and that's it. I spent a few days observing her and noticed that she was a loner, she didn't exactly have friends amongst the classmates, so I thought : "Well that's as good a chance as any.", and started talking to her and walked her home after school. We became friends and were going out daily after school to get a drink somewhere and one day, as I had planned, 2 fellow classmates show up and I tell them to sit with us and so began my act and my strategy on building her a group of friends. The group wasn't too big. It was me, her, the other 2 classmates, a friend of mine and the girl from the 1st year of highschool. We were all classmates so we all had fun and talked and we developed into a true griend group. Well, as good a group as any can be with me in it. Time passed an I noticed I was really not interested in this girl I had set as my target so I just let her go to do her thing and cut my puppet strings there.

I did all of this because I wanted to prove to myself something, I don't even know what it was anymore because it lost value in my eyes and so I just cut my strings on everyone and let them free. My social life was evolving for the better, which was good and all, but my familial life was degrading and devolving at such speeds that weren't even funny anymore.

My father would come drunk, lecture me for hours on end about the most uselss things in existence, and he would always call me names and berate me on everything. He had even come to me with a big kitchen knife pointed at my chest and said : "I will kill you and eat your heart if you dont do what I want"

I am still afraid of him and i still have trauma gron him so I still didn't doubt his words because when your father comes to your room at 10 PM holding a knife to your chest while your back is agains the wall, you then realize that bad things can really be considered good compared to other things.

I was living in fear. Every day I would pretend to be asleep for hours on end so I could avoid him and maybe be spared but that was just wishful thinking.

While my soocial life evolved, my familial life kept devolving. My father would come drunk more often, fight more often with my mother, screm more, curse more and shout more. I was honestly getting pretty fed up with his bullshit. One day, he woke up from his nap and he was still drunk and started lecturing me on what "Sons of bitches, idiots and parasites" every single member of my moms side of the family, my mother included was. I was very pissed and my knuckles had gone wbite form me clenching them that hard.

My mother got home mid lecture and thy started fighting again. First it was just verbal insults and slurs, but it got worse and worse untol my father literaly ran at my mother prepated to choke her.

That.

That was the moment I had my first meltdown in my life. I saw him run and I saw his hands on her throat and I just had one simple directive in my mund telling me one thing : "Whatever made you feel this way must be eliminated"

And that was what I tried to do. I ran and pushed him away from my mother and then punched my dad so hard he crashed into the wall and made a dent. I would probably have killed him there if it wasn't for my father's brother who came to us because of all the noise, stopping me. He tried to get me away from my father and when I did and my father got up and tried to punch me while my uncle was blaming my mom fir the situation, I grabbed both him and my dad and threw them to the wall. I would probably have been bruised because thwy are both fat and I was in complete meltdown just screaming in the rage of years and years of mental torture and violent self loathing which had build up behind the dam and only sought a way out. They eventually split us up and I was crying and yelling. I could barely breathe, my lungs just couldn't take in air fadt enough for my heart which was beating so hard that thunder would sound like a butterfly's wings beating. I opened the windows on my room and put 3 quarters of my body outside the window , risking to fall and die but I didn't care anymore. The rage had subsided, having found an exit and without it to push me, I was just a broken kid that just sought desperately the help which noone gave. Not my parents, not my friends, not even those who considered themselves and to my face said "We are best friends, we help each other". I never got any help and nobody even saw that I broke down. I dropped hint after hint after hint that I needed someone to talk to, someone to say a few words to me, someone to just listen to anything I wanted to say, yet all I got was nothing. I noticed that none of these so called friends or best friends care about anything. Thwy didn't even notice that when I took my shirt off to change for PE, I had bruises in my back and chest. Nobody said anything or did anything so i also did nothing.

Everybody just seemed to go on their own way and nobody wanted to even acknowledge what had happened or what help I needed.

I am still bitter and mad at everyone but especually at my "best friend" to whom I say the following :

V. You know who this account belongs to. You know me in real life and you know I'm not lying because I don't waste my time like that. You know damn well that if yku read this entire thing and see things just a small 1(one) percent of how I saw things, you wouldn't call youself my acquaintance, let alone my best friend.

To anyone that made it to the end and actually read it, please realize that no matter what, no matter where, you cannot rely on those you consider dear without knowing for certain that they also consider you dear.

[unicyclehippo]

How about scrosciare for Beau and Yasha, though not necessarily for beauyasha? Like the two of them talking about everything that went down in the Cage/at the Chantry?

scrosciare - the action of rain pouring down or of waves hitting rocks and cliffs

//

The white waters boil in the White Dawn Lagoon. It’s hard to see the waves or even the jagged fingers of the red-stone shoreline past the thick steam and spray that rises off it, but they can hear it. Loud and clear.

The waves never seem to still or slow and the cliffs, from wind or this constant battering from the ocean, have been scored, eroded, over centuries to reveal a natural labyrinth of tunnels and canyons and teetering towers of stone. The pathways, slick with salt water and rolling steam, advance far out into the lagoon but for now the party are camped away from the edge, cool and dry within the dome. They can still hear it, even from within: the crash as the waves break on the first rock walls; the crash as half that wall of water falls back, back into the next wave that comes so soon after the first; the crash as half falls forward, hissing down into the tunnels and pools beyond; the crash as an immense wave breaks high, higher than the rest, high enough to wash over the tall walls, slam onto the rocks above, rare enough that there are rocks remaining there to send down into the water, cracking stone against stone against stone all the way down. Even that can barely be heard over it—the crash and hiss and shush of the never-ending waves.

‘I say we rest here and in the morning, we find the Stones,’ Caduceus says, very simply.

Beau wants to ask how, and what are we looking for, and where, and what, but she keeps those questions to herself. Faith is something Jester and Cad and Fjord have, something they need. And she can follow their lead on this. Instead, because it has been on her mind, she says,

‘I’ll take first watch.’ Then, super casually, ‘Yasha?’

More than a few heads turn—first to Beau, then to see what Yasha’s response might be.

Yasha blinks. ‘Yah,’ she says. ‘Okay.’

There’s no missing the resignation in her tone.

‘Cool. We’ll do a little scout, I guess, quick and quiet,’ Beau tells the others. ‘Be back in a few.’

‘Back in a few,’ Yasha repeats.

They haven’t gone two steps even before Fjord pokes his head out after them. ‘Careful of the cliffs! They’re slippery!’

Beau spins, salutes him. A big hand reaches out to steady her when she spins back to face forward and stumbles. Beau lets her do it.

‘Thanks.’

‘You were going to fall.’

‘Would’ve been hilarious. Doing that two fucking seconds after Fjord warned me.’

‘No. It wouldn’t be funny,’ Yasha says. The corner of her mouth ticks up.

A long moment passes as they dutifully scout a short distance from the dome. The steam hangs like a heavy fog, but hot and humid and it sticks Beau’s clothes to her body, her ribbon and wayward strands of hair to her neck.

‘You’re still wearing your armour. Isn’t it hot?’

Yasha nods. ‘It is.’

Their pace slows as the steam shortens their vision further. They can see that ahead of them the cliff falls away and reappears ten, fifteen feet beyond. Beau points them deeper into the shore to check how deep these cracks might run.

‘He gave it to me,’ Yasha says as they turn and walk. ‘He was evil and trying to call—‘

‘Tharizdun. Giant evil fuck.’

‘Ah.’

‘But?’ Beau prompts. ‘He was evil but?’

Yasha sighs. ‘He gave me armour. Healed me. Told me I was... strong. Wonderful. I know I was not in control but I am afraid...’ Yasha trails off.

They march on. The waters hiss far below, the sound of it louder now.

‘I’m sorry,’ Beau blurts out. It surprises Yasha enough that the woman stops in her tracks, eyes wide. Beau carries on a few steps before she realises; turning, she continues, ‘We promised, I promised to protect you. From your past, from Obann. And I didn’t, and I’m sorry.’

‘No,’

‘Yeah. You deserved—you have to know—we tried. Gods, we tried Yasha but until we destroyed the heart there was no way to get rid of the Hand and we didn’t want to hurt you and,’

‘Why are you saying this?’ Yasha interrupts, a deep furrow between her brows. ‘I very nearly killed you!’

Beau laughs, a short bitter kind of a laugh. ‘Nah, believe me, I know. That one...’ She touches a finger to the base of that scar. Faint now, as though it had happened years ago instead of merely a week or two. ‘I’ve seen you slice right through people before, I know.’

Yasha winces.

Beau winces. ‘Shit. Sorry. That’s not—it’s true but it’s not what I—what I’m trying to say is I’m glad I didn’t die and it’s not your fault, man. You had an evil dude controlling you which is nine kinds of messed up—‘

‘Nine?’ Yasha very nearly smiles.

‘Nein,’ they say, in the exaggerated and no doubt painfully poor Zemnian.

The small smile that conjures for Yasha fades after a moment. ‘I am sorry, Beau,’ she says. ‘I don’t know... if I had any say in who I attacked. I don’t know if his command was, was any of you and I chose you. I dont -‘

‘That’s. Not the kind of thing that’s gonna be good to think about, Yash.’ The nickname does not go unnoticed. ‘If it helps at all, I’m glad it was me. Fjord was on his last legs and Jester and Cad,’ she tacks on, not quite as an afterthought, ‘we need our healers standing. I was okay.’

Yasha shakes her head. ‘Thank you,’ she says. Then, ‘I don’t know what I would have done. If I had killed you. I think... I think I would have, have broken. More.’

The words come out very sad and quiet and Beau has no good response. So she does all she can do and steps forward to hug the other woman. It isn’t really something they have done before and Beau hates it with the leather and curling bones over each of Yasha’s shoulders—she forgives her, needs to say that out loud next, but she still sees this armour in her dreams. Still, Beau hugs her tight, standing on her tiptoes and after a moment, seemingly not sure if she is allowed, Yasha hugs her back.

‘You’re back with us,’ Beau says when she drops back to her feet, voice a little hoarse. ‘We’re stronger now, we know more about what they’re capable of, you’re gonna stay with us.’

‘I will fight very hard for that,’ Yasha promises.

‘Good. And hey, you know I forgive you, right?’

‘Beau,’

‘I’m serious. I’m serious,’ she says again, and puts her hands one on each of Yasha’s not inconsiderable arms. The skin is slick with sweat and steam and Beau has to dig her fingers into the muscle a bit to give her a little shake. ‘I’m alive, I forgive you, and I’m glad you’re back.’

Yasha’s eyes slam shut. Then, like she’s aching, like she’s stiff and hurting, she haltingly raises her hands and begins to work at the straps of her armour. Piece by piece she removes it, and when she has taken one piece of she throws it down into the deep crevasse before them. Then another and another until the armour is gone and Yasha is standing before her looking lighter and far more like the Yasha she remembers.

She rubs a broad hand over her own shoulders. Massages her fingers into the muscles there for a moment. Then, lifting her head to look at Beau, says,

‘I’m sorry.’

‘I know, Y-‘

‘No. You say I must believe you, I need you to believe me. Or try. I’m sorry I hurt you, Beau.’ She looks for a moment like she wants to hug Beau again, or touch her shoulder, but she keeps herself contained as she continues her apology. ‘And I am so, so sorry for my part in hurting the library.’

Beau flinches at that. Swallows. Yasha has been pardoned, Obann was controlling her and is dead. But Beau has seen the sketches in Jester’s book, and saw Zeenoth as he clawed his way back to recovery.

‘I know.’

It is not forgiveness, it is not much at all. But it is not anger, or hatred; perhaps that would be better than the bald pain in Beau’s eyes.

Still, Beau does pat her shoulder as they make their slow way back to the dome.

‘You really are fully ripped now. You just...woke up like that?’

‘It was definitely the book.’

‘The smut?’

‘No, no. Well, yes, in parts,’

‘Jacking off can do that?’

Yasha’s laughter is loud enough that, for a moment, Beau forgets the lagoon and its boiling waters and the crash of the waves.

[stimmypaw]

stimmypaw reads Thunder & Shadow, another blog post

much like the first time, I am continuing to read A Vision of Shadows for the first time and sharing my thoughts as I go! This post of course has a bunch of spoilers for Thunder and Shadow. It’s all in the read more, have fun!

I'm so glad echosong is okay but what will she do??? Where will she go??? I'm so worried

I don't like it that Briarlight is stuck in the medicine den all day, love to see her playing with kits and showing her strength tho she's so sweet and good she deserves better

Now littlecloud is sick too???? Fuck!!!!

Also seems Needlepaw and Alderpaw haven't managed to get along better yet, maybe Alderpaw can talk to her through Leafpool since she's going to Shadowclan?

Also graystripe is awful as always and I love him 2 bits

I love Rowanstar's character too, he's so stupidly proud. Shadowclan has a fun trend of having a long line of mediocre to awful leaders and I feel bad for Tawnypelt, Shadowclans braincell who should be leader.

Jayfeather is gonna miss his friends

YES, SKYCLAN!!!! SKYCLANNNN

Twigkit lifting her front paws im 💖💖💖💖 AAAAA BABY

Graystripe :] he's silly

Omg feather time

If something bad happens to this feather ill fraud my taxes I will commit many crimes this delivery must happen safely and if anyone takes it from violetkit I will Kill

Omg sleekpaw don't be so mean poor littlecloud :c medicine cats are important!!

I see alderpaw leaving his feather behind alderpaw get it to violetkit Now

Oh God imagine being puddlekit, shadowclan needs to get its shit together real fast

Leafpool is just that picture (i do not see) while trying to process the mess they got her in

OKAY SO I'm glad he's getting along with needlepaw and that he can finally give violetkit her feather but LITTLECLOUD GUYS??? LITTLECLOUD?????????

My heart melted with violetkit, this was so sweet, why are the queens so mean to her??? She's just an autistic icon bro!! Like every cat I like in these books.

Alderpaw: hey I have an idea, why don't we commit crimes?

Needlepaw: FINALLY I THOUGHT YOUD NEVER ASK

VIOLETKIT POINT OF VIEW FINALLY???? FUCK YES YESSSS YES YES SHADOWCLAN TIME IM SO HAPPY THIS IS SO COOL

Last time this happened the character immediately died tho

Hm

I am suffering for violetkit

i wish violetkit would spend more time with leafpool im sure she’d be caring maybe?? maybe im just desperate for violetkit to be loved

no one here knows how to treat a kit

OH YES YESSS

YESSSSSSSSSSSSS SSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATHEYRE TOGETHER AGAIN

im so sad

im 

broooooo

aaaaa i hope needlepaw treats violetkit better from now on, this is hearbreaking.

Fuck I knew it, the rogues are coming for them aren’t they? And where’s Skyclan now????? fuck fuck fuck

ok I have no clue who Fernsong is but he’s funny already why is he like this what is happening why is he blocking them from looking at Honeykit while talking about how worried he is about her?? Absolutely misterious I love him

  Jayfeather 🤝 Yellowfang

 “I don’t want kits around me”

oh the girls are fighting

oh the girls ARE fighting

furzepelt had a cool name im sorry to hear he only existed to die immediately :c

onestar also is very proud, im glad he accepted help this time tho

SPARKPAW MED CAT MOMENT HAHAH

i forgot bumblestripe was a cat and i was wondering if it was just a typo for bramble

also what’s up with dove and tiger??? i forgot everything about their relationship in the previous books because i don’t care about it and the erins tend to write some pretty boring straight couples

the way they’re described makes me feel like needlepaw and sleekpaw are just differently colored versions of each other at times, are they related?? they don’t seem to be.

and here’s the bit that’s previewed, oh boy, it must have been seriously scary being violetkit, but i hope they don’t convince her the clans hate her :c thunderclan likes her shadowclan just sucks

What do these background cats want from Twigkit???? To shoot lasers out of her eyes?? I guess she isn’t magical or anything but also she’s just a kit??? Firepaw was also just a kittypet and he’s a big deal :/// y’all just don’t get it, I hope Twigkit doesn’t get Dovepaw’s protagonist anxiety

I know Twigkit is being scolded but this scene is just so cute like Jayfeather is just tucking her in a moss bed while being mad at her for leaving camp

Thats another one I need to draw i love them

SPARKPELT YESSSSS YESS SYE SYES YES 🎊🎉🎉🎉🎊🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈💖💖💖💖💖💕💖💕💖💕💖💕💕

Mothwing ableist????? That's cringe

Omg poor kestrelflight

Jayfeather misses Leafpool so bad, Puddlepaw must feel awful though

OLD AGE? H HOW OLD IS LEAFPOOL THEN???

?????? OH GOD IM LOVING THIS???

This apprentice rebellion is Nuts its so good oh fuck!!! I'm loving whats happening here its awful and perfect

Violetkit is getting bitter :c she needs 2 be embraced and loved stat

She is also clearly getting some bad dependency and abandonment issues, desperate to do anything to please so she won't be left alone again :c

FUCK NO NO NO AAAA NEEDLEPAW WHAT WWERE YOU THUNKING??????? JESUS POOR VIOLETKIT

Kitnapping, this is bad

Oh, very interesting

These apprentices and rogues are so smart god this is a perfect plan

Twigkit absolutely is the sunshine

I love her interactions with Alderpaw, I wish she had gotten to see her sister

In comparison Violetkit looking around camp desperate for attention is awful

Oh fuck bribing

NEEDLEPAW DONT BE MEAN TO VIOLETKIT :C

Oh fuck ou fuck the 4chan kids are angry

??? BRO WHAT??? DONT KICK OUT VIOLETKIT, THATS WHY YOUR APPRENTICES TURNED INTO ANCAPS DAMN

I'm angy

Oh no

Something bad happened :c

Bramblestar: good day!

Rowanstar: Oh Is it??? You could say that while starving in winter, cringe ass

Mistystar: its not winter tho

Onestar: well you're fat

God rowanstar must be obliterated

Hey where's the rowanstars maps use idk loon on a lake or something this man has angst!!!

I appreciate Ivypool is her mentor, at least Someone is honest about whats going on and hey they can both relate on the fear of not being special! Ivypool can be very good to Twigpaw im counting on her

Oh fuck

Violetpaw sounds like she's in trouble with the rogues :c aa

AAAA TWIGPAWWWW AAAA

Violetpaw don't be mean about your sister :C she misses you so bad

Sleekwhisker is like that dad that let his kid starve until she learned to open a bean can she didn't want

Holy fuck

Aaaa violetpaw D:

Jesus christ that was awful

That was so intense I was so nervous for Violetpaw, I'm really happy for her now aaaa

Another gathering already? Wowie

I hope Shadowclan gets those herbs soon :c

I see he appeal in FernIvy and I appreciate it

Violetpaw and Twigpaw sharing a den my heart......this is IT

Jayfeather: I want to steal

I'm listening to Burn Pygmalion! and "viscious kin" is very fitting for this series ehhehe

I love violetpaw and twigpaw btw

IM CRYING

I cant believe Alderpaw is an all lives matter kinda guy

Yesss rebel get those herbs alreadyyy

Starclan has agreed to let kestrelflight kill onestar, goodbye onestar /j

Epic I love you harespring

Alderpaw being confused at Jayfeather saying he is proud is the Best

What an ending! Terrifying and hopeful at the same time, I am very excited to see the hijinks Bramblestar and Rowanstar will get into and how they will go searching for Skyclan, it was PAINFUL to have that prologue talking about them with 0 hope of them showing up again Nothing Nada Zilch, feels like that and the ending were just 2 remind us that that was still the major plot point hahaha, I appreciate it I guess. I'm glad Violetpaw and Twigpaw are on uh good terms despite it all, not very ideal and they're both upset but they still consider each other siblings and know they care about each other :'0 Alderheart getting his name is epic too!!! I was hoping he would soon. I loved everything about his interactions with Jayfeather here, loved all the characterizations really it was just top notch, Onestar being a bastard, Needletail, OH AND SHADOWCLAN JOINING THE ROGUES, top notch!!!! The ancap apprentices were a riot.

This was a good book!!! Flowed very nicely and smoothly, reading in shadowclan's point of view for more than around 3 chapters was great. I can barely wait for the rest!!! Will Violetpaw find belonging in this new era of Shadowclan??? Or will she leave again??? Will Alderheart somehow figure out where Skyclan is and get them together at the lake??? Will Twigpaw get all the spicy details of Dovewing's secret romance with Tigerheart??? Who knows!! But I am very excited to find out what happens next :D

[doyouevenshipbr0]

OK i just finished darling in the franxx so im listing all my thoughts. i dont expect anyone to actually read this i just need to get my random thoights out there. if anyone is gonna read this, spoilers alert!!! ok<3

-zero two is simply best girl. i adore her.

-bro the piloting situation in the franxx is SO fucking weird i hate it so much holy shit.

-^that being said, this show did NOT get nearly as sexual (in that sense) as i thought it would

-this isnt a surprise to anyone, but everythinf after ep 15 and ESPECIALLY after ep 19 is just. not great (compared to everything the show was before this point)

-however, i did enjoy domestic soft hiro x zero two. all of that was *chef’s kiss*.

-by the end it was trying SO HARD to be woke and have plot twists and it just didnt make sense and honestly none of the “plot twists” carried much weight imo

-like them finding out they were fighting in klaxosaurs. i didnt rly give much of a fuck lmao.

-this show handles relationships and adolescence SO WELL

-honestly i love action romances but i think i wouldve really preferred if like all the episodes were slices of life lol. and thats coming from someone who can get bored EASILY by slice of life.

-ichigo is just. THE WORST JSHSHWKWHA! i understand WHY she did everything she did ok i get it but i still couldnt help but hate her for it! sorry!

-^especially since goro is best boy and i wanted her to stop breaking his heart!

-the episode where we see the backstory of hiro and zero two was by far my favorite episode. it was SO beautiful and emotional and the storytelling was top notch. amazing ep.

-alright here’s where things might get controversial idk...... i thought mitsuru and kokoro were handled really oddly as individual characters and ALSO as a couple!

-like? mitsuru had potential?? i thought his reasoning for hating hiro so much for all those years was a little weird but like whatever. it was his thing. but then they just COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT IT! and then all of a sudden he was like “oh! im not bitter ab hiro breaking his promise anymore! i love kokoro and want to be a dad and get married!:)” like. it just happened SO FAST. idk it was weird.

-and kokoro. ok. im realizing a lot of this is just my personal view of things, but i found it SO WEIRD that they made her character all ab baby fever. and hey, maybe thats just bc i have little to no desire to have kids of my own, but idk man. it just seemed so odd. they gave a young girl a book about babies and a baby doll and said “ok now shes mommy.”. like to me it seemed like she was just a little kid who wanted to play house and didnt have a clear understanding of what it really meant to be a parent! especially since shes so young! and they made her whole character ab that and i just hate the scene where she feels mitsuru up. they took her and mitsuru’s characters and relationships in a very odd direction imo ok.

-^despite all that, i wouldnt have minded their relationship or even if kokoro had gotten pregnant if they had just dont it differently. bc towards the end, seeing kokora pregnant and mitsuru trying to help her was really sweet! it was all really rushed and seemed so out of place and just in ur face about it.

-the world building had a lot of potential until they completely shat on it.

-from the first few episodes i REALLY thought i was gonna hate zorome but i actually liked him a lot by the end.

-miku grew on me a lot too.

-i will never forgive seeing zero two as that big fucking franxx, dog shdhwhwowhwh it was SO weird and out of place.

-i wanted more exploration with ikuno:/

-futoshi ended up just being kind of annoying cus he was just the stereotypical lovable fat character who loves food. that trope is so tired.

-despite the ending being overall bad, it was still REALLY nice and satisfying to see all the kids grown up and i really enjoyed seeing the bits of the show where they had to learn to take care of themselves and essentially recreate civilization.

-ok i just hate sad endings overall so seeing hiro and zero two “die” sucked but then seeing them being reincarnated was actually really sweet.

-alright. so like. am i the ONLY PERSON wondering why zero two has pink hair, red horns, and red skin if she’s supposedly a clone of a person that is ENTIRELY BLUE! also why is her skin only red when shes a little kid? did i miss something??

-overall, the show had an excellent exploration of relationships and adolescence, getting you to care about the characters in some way or another, but then falls flat with the last 10 or so episodes, specifically in the world building that they try to expand on and just the overall ending (at least on hiro and zero twos part. as i said before, i really liked seeing the rest of squad 13 and how they were living their lives).

so thats my take!

[bigskydreaming]

fhalkfhaklfhlkak i hate this

TW really truly literally ruined the word ‘spark’ for me. Like the whole damn word. I hear it now and I’m like, NOPE, like...idk, some people who cringe when they hear the word moist or panties. Apologies to anyone who hates those words and cringed, i dont actually know if thats a thing or if like, I just have weird friends. Probably just the latter.

But anyways, Im just like...lmfao. Its so visceral too? Like I have this one original project, Waveriders, that I’ve been fiddling with off and on in the background of other projects for awhile, might have talked about it on here, idk, I don’t keep track. 

Basically its a far future sci-fi novel/setting for linked shorter works set on a gas giant that was settled by humans who figured that they can’t possibly be stepping on anyone’s toes there, its a freaking gas giant, hello, no one’s home, right? They literally have to make their own ground by using technology to form anti-gravity wells in the habitable zone of the atmosphere and like, make floating cities and then these kind of buoys scattered across the planet that create these electromagnetic currents that flow in specific ‘routes’ between the cities, and people travel between them in these flying ships that use magnetized hulls and solar sails to ride these currents, and blah blah blah, yada yada yada, bc like, why would I resist an opportunity to have floating cities and sky pirates and ancient cyborg machine dragons? Doesn’t make sense. 

Anyway, so couple thousand years after settling this planet, and by then for Plotty Reasons there are people who have what’s called waveriding abilities, like they can ‘hack’ certain wavelengths or types of energy and manipulate them in various ways, but only one kind of energy per person, and they each have their own little names and niches. 

So, y’know, basically just like ATLA, except for like, its energy powers and there are cyborg machine dragons and floating cities and sky pirates, obvsly. Plus areas of totally fucked up gravity called the badlands that are all like, criminal underworld metropolis because normal people are like lol nope, we like it when up is up and down is down, all of this is very just...nope. And also because shocking and totally unexpected plot twist, they were totally wrong about the planet being uninhabited just cuz it didn’t have Earth type ground...like, so in addition and on top of and in conjunction with all of the above and whatnot, there are these beings called Chaos Angels, that are basically like sentient quantum waveforms that can take any shape or appearance, but just, have no physical substance and yet are really good at faking that they’re not totally there when they fuck with humans, which they do a lot, because well. Why not, y’know?

But other than that, its exactly like ATLA. I’m a derivative hack. I disgust myself, truly I do.

BUT the point of this particular synaptic misfire aka ADHD ramble, is that so, okay, these different types of not!benders are all called waveriders as an overall umbrella term, but with ten different subsets of this in total, right? So people who can ‘hack’ light and manipulate it in various ways are called brightriders, and people who are tuned into soundwaves are called echo-riders, and some can manipulate the more electricity-skewed side of the electromagnetic spectrum and those are shockriders and the ones who skew more to the magnetic side are steelriders but I’m probably gonna change that because it sounds like a porno? Yeah no, just saw it outside of my notes for the first time and can confirm, definitely sounds like a porno so they’re not gonna be called steel-riders, but they will be called something steel-rider-esque. You get it.

And then there are the five weird ones that people aren’t totally quite sure how their waveriding shticks work because the kinds of energy they hack aren’t like....the kinds that work in the same way as the others with their easily discernible and patternistic wavelengths, and scientists and scholars are always arguing like but skyriders aren’t even in the same FIELD as the other waverider types because gravity isn’t even an actual ENERGY, just because we talk about gravity waves doesn’t mean they’re remotely the same thing as lightwaves, they make no SENSE, and I’m just like hahaha, I am your god, fictional scientists. Fucking deal with it. Plus it does make sense, you just don’t know the Secret Rules and Logistics that I do, pfft. 

Anyway, so the other types are boomriders who hack kinetic energy and skyriders of course obviously manipulate gravity, and then the last three are really weird, and super rare and thus don’t really have set names and just have lots of nicknames and are often just thought to be rumors. So those are the bio-riders who manipulate chemical energy though it often gets mistakenly referred to or just handwaved as being ‘life energy’ as though that’s a thing, ugh future way advanced people are so dumb sometimes, honestly. But so they can manipulate biological processes in various ways and do things with healing and also hurting, and basically just don’t piss one off ever. Like. You’ll die. And then there’s the psi-riders, who are essentially psychics and hack brainwaves, and I’m not at all bitter that I lack the balls to just go for broke and call them ghost riders like I want to, because ghost riders obviously sounds way cooler?? But also, Marvel would definitely sue?? Because they’re just, like that. 

And like, the last of the Weird Ones are the ones so super rare and also so hard to actually....tell if someone actually IS one, that most people think they don’t actually even exist and are just an unsubstantiated like, theoretical idea some scientist had once while high and then just, never shut up about so eventually the idea caught on. And those are the quantum-riders, or luck-riders, basically they theoretically manipulate quantum wavelengths in ways that are almost impossible to identify, like theoretically they wouldn’t even know they were doing it? Anyway, so lots of times, what are actually quantum-riders are just jealously thought to be like, really fucking lucky assholes. Even though the way their powers work really don’t have anything to do with luck or even probability, specifically, like that’s a simplistic approximation and its more like they manipulate possibilities but also shut up me, nobody cares.

ANYWAY, people who can count and who actually bothered to would probably notice by now like the funky little geniuses they are that all of those still only adds up to nine. And that’s because of the last one, the one that SHOULD go up in the brightrider, shockrider, notpornIswear!steel-rider hierarchy or taxidermy or whatever the fuck. And these are the ones who manipulate what’s essentially thermal energy, or more accurately the microwave-skewing side of the ultraviolet spectrum whereas brightriders are just the ones who skew more to the infrared side of it.

And the long and short of all of this Unnecessary-ness and the source of my fit of pique and ensuing ramble-palooza....is that ORIGINALLY, they were SUPPOSED to be called sparkriders.

But OBVIOUSLY I can’t call them that anymore, because like. I tried, and I was like ugh you drama queen slash whiny pissbaby, it was just a shitty teen supernatural show and SPARK WAS NEVER EVEN CANON, do not let THEM win and ruin a perfectly good classification name! But I did. I did let it ruin them, and its. Well. Its a problem, because I kept thinking up ways to kill off the sparkrider characters for absolutely no reason at all instead of like....thinking up ways to make the plot do what it was outlined to do in their parts of the story.

This may come like, way out of left field, and just SHOCK and STUN and BEWILDER some of you, like....no way, srsly? But yeah, true story, among my many canon mental neuroses like ADHD, PTSD, magical depression hour and super fun anxiety like....there is a tiny possibility (aka actual diagnosis) that while I don’t talk about this much, or ever really, I do have a smidge of ye old OCD? Its not like, a big thing and doesn’t really affect my daily routines and that’s pretty much why I never usually bring it up or list it alongside the rest of the crap on my neurodivergence resumé or whatever, because like, there’s already WAY too many misconceptions out there about what OCD actually is and what constitutes it, and tons of people are always jokingly but also thinking they’re kinda half serious, like ‘oh I’m so OCD about this and this and that’ and its like. LOL. Are you though? You sure?

Anyway, but point being, the way mine manifests for me is like...not actually a problem? Like, I don’t actually have any REAL complaints about it at all, just half-assed little fits of pique ones like this, which is the other part of why I never bring it up, because too often ppl just can’t fathom that OCD or even any kind of neurodivergence can be...WANTED, or a good thing, and lololol, that’s ableism, folks. But its true, I don’t actually mind mine at all, even if it occasionally makes things frustrating, when I get stuck like I am now. But the flip side of it is....its actually a pretty huge part of my creativity and just the way my mind works in general....like, what people accredit to me being particularly insightful about character analysis or drawing connections or stuff like that in meta or fics or my novels or worldbuilding...that’s what it is. That’s my OCD in action. 

My brain like...REQUIRES that I find patterns in....pretty much everything. Even day to day mundane stuff too, though like I said, its mild enough there that it doesn’t fuck with my routines too much, but like, I have to order things into nice, neat patterns and groupings. And if there aren’t any that are immediately obvious, I kinda pretty much HAVE to dig deeper until I find some on a slightly deeper level, something beneath the surface or first glance, and keep going until I find something.....or worst case scenario, I have to like....add stuff and embellish and fill in gaps with my own ‘content’ until I have the rough edges rounded off into something that CAN be stacked neatly atop some other part of the story or whatever it is I’m focusing on? And the obsessive-compulsive part for me is like, lol, I gotta find it SOMEWHERE, SOMEHOW. 

My brain literally won’t shut off or grudgingly accept being diverted to a different subject until I’ve made some kind of pattern or flowchart or classification system. It will literally keep me up for hours, going over the same things over and over from every angle until I find SOME way to....reassemble or restructure it in some nice, neat little order of some type. I mean that’s basically what it is. My brain insists on me forming some semblance of order out of any glimpse I have of what I would otherwise term creative chaos. And it won’t give up until it gets what it wants, which when you throw in my ADHD and how often I’ll get derailed off on slight tangents but with my OCD then sooner or later forcing me back to the original focus, rinse and repeat ad nauseam....like. LOL. I learned to operate on very little sleep from a pretty young age by necessity, its just...my brain, dudes. Its just like that.

But the perks are like, I pretty much think this is WHY I’m so creative....because my brain, for as long as I can remember, has always just kinda....forced me to be? Also probably has a lot to do with well...eh, I don’t need to talk about that right now. Whatever. Anyway, point being, so....I do like the end results very much so, and for all its....Why Must You Be Like This eccentricities, I’m quite attached to my brain and would not be very likely to agree to a trade even were one possible. I mean don’t get me wrong, I could do without the PTSD and anxiety, if we’re just, like....talking some pruning shears or whatever, but the actual creative machinery, I’m keeping. Ultimately it just means I really fucking like patterns and finding patterns or making patterns where previously there were none, or at least none that were easy to spot.

But ugh, man, these are the rare times when I’m like omg, just call it a day, we don’t ACTUALLY have to come up with the perfect replacement name for that one relatively small and insignificant detail of a much larger story that isn’t even in the Top Ten list of my main priorities at the moment. And my asshole of a brain is just like....yeah no, we gotta. You know the rules dude, you decided it was official, that name didn’t work anymore and was never gonna, so now we gotta find a replacement or else things will be UNEVEN?? The pattern will be...missing a piece? There will be CHAOS AND ANARCHY IN THE STREETS THAT RUNNETH OVER WITH BLOOD? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT??

And so I’m like....literally sitting here googling synonyms for spark because I’m just like that sometimes, lmfao. Oh and of course its gotta be a GOOD replacement, naturally. I can’t just shoehorn in a somewhat acceptable substitute that in the back of my mind I’m expecting to only be temporary, until I come up with something better. See, because my brain will KNOW, and it will NOT be okay with that, because that is CHEATING. And my brain, apparently, has strong feelings about cheating, which is weird and fairly unexpected of me, IMO.

Anyway, kudos to anyone who actually read through that instead of scrolling, I honestly have zero idea why I felt like sharing it, I just did and thus I did. *shrugs* 

[xz017]

.

oof. okay so imma do the latest tea???

got out of shower to hear my mum talkin to Agnes spillin the tea abt their friend/coworker

the one with that Kid my mum wanted to have a playdate with or whatever the annoyingly studious and clearskinned halfasian lookin girl i really envied.

her mum has a live in boyfriend who is basically like...an alcoholic mental case rip god i hate alcohol and i hate people who drink it like i only do it so i hate myself more and die but like this guy basically playin with knives n guns in the house and the kid who is like 19 idk why im callin her kid is so Over it like apparently she hasn’t been coming home and like

basically me in 2016 era when my mum was too generous n Helpful lettin ppl back into our lives and our House so i spent christmas morning 5am walkin in the cold n watchin 3 films until it got dark and stuff like that

girl be actin homeless---mood

so it came to a head today so Agnes is spillin the tea n her husband in the bg(omg it weird hearin him rip he was my military hs instructor wild) n my mUM is so selfrighteous n mad like

‘blablahblah well rosalie is being dumb she should put her daughter first she being sick in the head it her Choice’

n im like eavesdroppin havin warflashbacks of the dumb hypocrisy she has DOne lmao

‘has she no thought like what if Tyler gets raped/sexually abused by that man she’d let her daughter be in that environment???’

i mean it wouldnt be fair of me to be like...eyemoji on this cos she technically doesn’t know? but 19 may 2018 never4get lmao

anyway so my mum’s like our room is for rent and it’ll be far cheaper they dont even have to pay rn!!!

cue me being like...um...Money...generosity...i dont...LIke

i was conflicted here like idk i met the girl like 3-5 times im envious of her work ethic n her better asian disposition than mine cos she obviously prettier but she has better prospects and that’d suck if her life be like that

but also??? like...life be like that it was like that to me like who saved me????????????????????? 

um...no one

like why is that on me or US TO BE NICE n helpful im so tired like damn which is relevant to the next point anyway

cos earlier had a convo with my mum i was eyemojing healthcare profs i was like ‘pls stop bein on ye phone pls tell me info on ye opinion on respiratory therapists...what abt PA’

n deadass she be eyemojing me like STICK TO YOUR COURSE

n i was like...-ugly pleadin emoji eyes- n i was tryin to explain that i didn’t want to be so focused on one thing that if i decide this medical thing is what i want to pursue i’d need 1-2 years just for the PREREQS which is like 5 classes and 1000 clinical hours or minimum 6 month healthcare paid job. like if i decide i want to go to school for that i already have the Stuff and just Apply.

n she was like...you had your chance i bothered you to be a nurse a few years ago you were stubborn if you did as i said you’d be earning good money now but you wasted time

n i was like...oof i can’t say anything to that it’s tru. it real life tea it fax i wasted time n im old n im ruunnin out of time i hate myself alot i hate hate hate

and idk we got to talkin abt money n life cos she was like you have to find something you can learn to LOve

n i was like??? WHY I GOTTA SETTLE N FOOL MYSELF TO DO SO im super annoyed abt that mindset

cos the thing about a bloody Arts degree is there’s too fuckin many broad possibilities n they all aint even that good. like deadass if i was a STEM major ugh like if i was a Bio major prospects are so clear: forensics, research, premed,labtech. Meanwhile polsci for example: uhhh teacher? prelaw? politician? uhhh government work? n there’s like 111 different subdivisions of that n it’s like??? wat the fuck

deadass what am i gonna do with international security is that even gonna pay well like...the fuck do i know is it relevant ??? Doubts

n she was all like...PEOPLE JUST GOTTA DO WHAT THEY HAVE TO TO SURVIVE YOU GOTTA FIND YOURS N STICK WITH IT

n i was lowkey panique n frustrated cos i really REALLY hate being stuck in 1 ting n im like i HAD ACTING YOU SAID NO

n she was like pFF i wanted you to have something REAL cos if you dont make it in acting you’d be on the STREETS

n i was like...lmao lil did she know imma be on the streets next year smh this year actually

n she was like talkin abt the harsh reality of the workforce and how you gotta make do at how ppl treat you (patients) n how you might not even like your coworkers but you gotta deal with it because that’s what ppl do to survive

n she was talkin abt undeserving patients with no healthcare n i was like did you just hear yourself so you want them to die cos they dont got money and she was like 

no??? why get hooked up in the ICU when you’re braindead wasting government money taxes we payed for you don’t understand cos you dont have a job and dont get your salary cut cos of taxes and these people come in acting like they got something to give when they yell at your face acting like they know what they’re talking about they act entitled when they have nothing homeless ppl getting money and illegal immigrants are selfish bringing their kids to be hurt here

n im like...theyre life is ...shitty what are you talkin about n she was like so? why dont they stay and make it better??? one of my very first patients asked me why i was in america and i said i come from a poor country and they said why didn’t you stay and try to make it better? and i couldn’t say anything cos u know what they were right why dont illegal immigrants do that??? n im like...

cos theyre literally...RUNNIN and they want ppl they care abt i.e. children to be far away from that as soon as possible bruh ye think imma wait for change deadass there a reason why we suffer duterte he actually get shit done??? we dont have to wait for change the same way ppl who speak nice n are polite do but is stuck with bureaucracy and lowkey bein corrupt deadass stay in ye lane

n she’s like well i hope you’re right im done bein an idealist im a realist now i believed in good i wanted to help the world now no more

n im like...no you’re not a realist, you’ve just been hangin out with a republican

and she gave me a sideeye 

but deadass im ...scared like i really hate the empathy because when she was being serious n talkin n being honest abt things for once i started to unwillingly see things from her point of view i really felt it n i was scared i’ll be like that im scared she’s right

im scared i’ll end up Real n selfish like...i already am ? n bitter? like i care about so very few Personally and am willin to let others suffer to keep it safe n prioritised?

im scared.

like especially with racism all these years my mum’s been telling me it’s not that im racist just wait til you work with them they act so entitles and loud and make everything about race

n i almost told Her abt it earlier i skyped w her earlier we had a tea spillin moment about our ethnic relations bein racist but then idk we talked alot i guess the text got buried or unseen

like i said i was scared n didn’t get to unpack it like im scared because ive been livin with my roomate and like...ive been excusing it as a personality thing and that if it were anyone else different skin colour id still hate them just the same which i still maintain is true but like?

my RM is loud n she makes everything abt race like deadass me n my FM be just eating dinner and she passes by us and goes on a rant about harvard asians being a Blok to black ppl from getting There n im like...im tryna have dinner so i can get energy to deal with this stressful ass school

n she always talks like she knows what she’s talking about like ‘jewish ppl control the federal bank’ n im like...it 1am in the dark quiet of our shared room deadass i dont wanna tell the binch thats antisemitism cos she gonna be like im black how can i be racist smh

im!!! scared alright like i hate my roomate for proving my mum right when i try so hard to set things right like maybe that’s why i dont tell anyone about my situation other than Her. i never told my parents about the berkeley livin situation they already warn me enough to be careful n i just keep tellin them thats racist

i have so much........THOUGHTS n........DILEMMAS...n FEARS but like i just have this blog i cant trust anyone else to talk abt it n the only person i am willing to talk to abt it will be busy and im so ashamed abt these things but she was so sweet about givin me the heads up about her schedule 

like i hated that i had to get an ugly ass haircut today cos she came back to me n we couldve talked so i guess rip she was complacent n did stuff cos she replied late from then on like that dumbass haircut was 15 minutes ugh. our talkin pattern today was like...dashed lines timereply wise? i asked her if she packed earlier (pre haircut)n she said yes but rip a few hours later she was like...I need to pack 

wat is the truth rip

the tablet bein emo like...mood but my child rip.

my love be packin n spendin time with fam before leavin for london tomorrow

n even after that she doin...Stuff. rip.

which is ye know good for her rip.

i just hope she dont go iceskatin deadass one slip n she can crack her head open or break her neck or paralyse her spine like...??? why do humans wanna do dumb activities

like omg she admitted to me today she a serial jaywalker and WORSE with music n headphones like

binch thats why i didnt wanna enable you further by gettin ye airpods deadass bye

n she was like??? tryna equate it with my risky risk like ummm

mine is for science n validity

hers is just carelessness n chosin lazy convenience over idk...the responsibility of self vigilance like...

bruh ppl shouldnt promise someone 91 years if they be continuin to do dumb stuff consciously oof rip

but other than that like...im...really proud of this resolution she be undertakin officially on the 14th?

im nervous abt it cos i really want it for her too. i want her to get the proper sleep n i always hated her givin excuses like ‘IM FINE ON 4 HOURS OF SLEEP’ ‘I NAPPED 3 HOURS 38293820 HOURS AGO IM FINE I MADE UP FOR IT’ um...blokt. get proper sleep binch i love you tf???

prioritise work cos ye gonna regret not givin it yer all??? n ye payin for this???

what fun??? we capitalists now we want that money rip.

i see that shift you know rip i saw it comin a year ago.

that dont mean we republicans rip we still care about others n the inequality? but like i foresaw us getting acquainted with the harsh reality of the world n how difficult it is to get a job--which she experienced along the way.

n rip she wants many things bookmarkin them n honestly same rip

i want a stable warm home for this family n a shiny diamond to get disassociated by extra im a simple man

meanin im selfish n im ready to prioritise meanin im ready to make the choice for others to fall apart/behind if it means puttin This first rip

god pls dont make me a republican this so ugly

# 1 she’d hate me #2 i’d hate me

now im sad

im dead.

omg rip earlier too as she said goodbye i told her i loved her and she was like ‘i love you more’

DEADASS I WAS LIKE LMAO!!! girL i dont think you understand im literally Ready to put you and our possible future First like...im not messin around what skitrips with rich ppl what friends my love is potent n extreme n COncentrated like im sorry ik you feel love for me but you cant top This rip she not ready 

like the um ‘partially wanna make my life’s work abt knowin what might hurt n kill ye so i can kill it first or blok it well’ kinda love

the ‘im already savin for at least HALF a first month deposit in an overpriced london in case you wanna settle down wit me Mayhaps n im not touching it for ANYTHING’ kinda love

the ‘im thinking of a winter home in the tropics so you suffer less n im plannin the floorplans already rip just in case’ kinda extraness

but anyways the gall of this cute lovely human rip ‘i love you more’ ummm try Again smh

bruh i love her too much i bet that’s scary for her rip it might be a Burden tbh she so young rip 

meanwhile im old n ready to rot but like...

i wanna be mortal wit ye before i do

but ye know wat lads i saw myself in the mirror today like 5 times OOF. this meatform...keepin me...Humble. 

bitter but like...humble

‘like of course sHe not ready not only is my personality like dis but also...my outward form how could she introduce me as a Spouse’

‘wow i look like that oof it good i remembered i am undeservin of full intense love like in the films n fanfiction they always between attractive ppl after all it only 1/2 it not Equal’

‘wow bruh ye really upset she spendin time n resources elsewhere when you be lookin like That? ye dont have much to offer bro take the L’

oof so that’s the personal tea i can think of?

had a meghan marke talk rip i can’t believe i was right??? i had twin vibes!!! but i was hoping for like a variety situation rip im worried a lil abt the whole birthin Late ting but she can afford the highest care rip it fine she rich.

my love was talkin abt how pretty MM was n i was like rip is she triggerin Her a lil rip worrirooni

rip speakin of babies like she was showin me this smol gummybear n im like same das me heart n she was like :( n i was like it only fits you

n she was like so no children then:(

n i was like!!! rip if it Ours of course that Counts n i was a lil shook like rip she said she didn’t want them Really so i always get guilty when i talk abt the future or realise i mentioned kids or carelessly name drop Hyaline n Benzion like...im dead rn just typin that like what if she read this big shame bro

but ye know what this is already long n she gonna be busy maybe that’s the key. TOo Much puts ppl OFF so ye mayhaps we sneaky ! ?

anyway i was tryin to get her thoughts on it rip but like she was all iDK ASK ME IN 13 Yrs n i was like...

sighemoji + sandemoji + resignedemoji

rip we talked FAaC a lil. cos she Dared!!! to liken me to her brother just cos i showed her my cheap youth boy shoes smh

At first i was super offended n disgusted but then i was like rip eyemoji if ye into that

then she was like ew nO

then i was like um ye already play the ‘daddy u like me young huh’ card

which is like idk is like technically? joking but it’s like that post ye know abt ppl bein ‘whether or not im actually jokin or flirtin depends if you into it’ but also like schrodingers racism like ‘it was a joke bro!!!’ but they actually bigots.

so it DIFFICULT for my brain to Confirm rip like...eyemoji what is the truth

but like??? im rip. willin. rip. to. rip. Try. rip.?

really i am rip. it Her. bruh. im only hopin she dont have a golden shower kink but. trust i...Will follow thru.

nO IM REMEMBERIN THE DOO DOO POST DESPAIR

rip anyway that whole thing reminded me of FAaC origins which was porn n then somehow sHe was like imagine if egggsy was a singer he’d sing like ‘age is just a number’ shit n i SPILLED THE TEA ABOUT A TING IN PT 3 im so weak sand

i miss the gays

i wanna give them justice n happiness but the 2027 excuse is rl nice for my ugly procrastination issues oof but i wish them well

add: rip had another talk with my mum i really wanted her to understand my thought process about wanting to get the prereqs for medtraining done beforehand

n she was like...I UNderstand but Normal people--

n i was like ‘IM NOT NORMAL I DONT KNOW HOW TO CHOOSE I HAVE NO IDENTITY’

n she’s just like SHOOKE n mad n clearly dont understand that im fukt up in the head ‘...IC AN’T BELIEVE YOU!!! iF YOU’RE ABNORMAL YOU WONT GET HIRED N YOU WONT HAVE A NICE JOB’

n im like...well i mean what can i say to that it’s not like it’s not tru rip

Big sand honestly.

it gonna be a long few days imma do my best to leave her alone she needs her time rip i love her so much rip sand

i feel like a dumb ugly dog god fljækadfkøad h8

[lesbienneanarchiste]

For the last 26 years of my life my go-to method of changing my relationship with someone has been to straight up ghost them and disappear from the planet AND/OR alienate them in the harshest most baffling way that will continue to haunt me for the rest of my life but I am TRYING not to do that anymore. I am hanging on by a THREAD to not just fucking destroy everything bc thats what i am used to doing when i dont like the direction an interpersonal relationship of any kind is headed. B U T. If i talk to C at all right now i will just get so fucking angry and it will spiral out of control so for this exact instant i am giving myself a few days to temporarily ghost her in the name of my fragile mental stability. But i am also not allowing myself to ghost her permenantly bc that's just as fucked up as purposefully burning an 11 year old bridge with someone i do otherwise care very much about.

The problem here is that i feel like i cant address the problem and confront her until I am feeling more stable and that is just not going to happen in the next week or two and i also know that dragging this out beyond that will make it worse. So a part of me feels like ripping the bandaid off is a good idea. But i also know that the bandaid is covering a gaping wound that at this moment in time will just ended up spurting blood all over the place instead of solving a problem or even remotely helping the situation.

I want her to know how hurt and angry i am instead of downplaying it as tho im just being fickle but i also know that i dont have the capability of doing that without sounding like im accusing her of making me su/cidal on purpose. And i feel like the longer i sit on it and the longer i stew over it the worse its gonna be bc gd forbid i should not overthink myself into crisis mode every other night. Part of me wants her to be the one to be like "hey turns out this isnt what i wanted" bc then i dont have to do it but a part of me will then feel even more bitter that i didnt get to be the one taking control of a situation that had me spending hours at a time sobbing and hyperventilating every night of our vacation, hoping I would die in my sleep before having to spend one more moment acting like everything was fine and like my worst nightmares werent actively coming true.