#i am glad that i remembered some of my skills but this class was so good and i'm on to advanced sailing next

[leonardcohenofficial]

sorry that i’m about to make sailing my entire personality now but. i’m going to make sailing my entire personality now

[lil-frenchfri77]

Begin Again Chapter 2

Summary: Ever since Bella came back to Forks things between y/n and her boys have been different. Embry and Quil stopped answering phone calls and texts, they’ve even been avoiding her everytime she shows up at their house. So y/n does the only thing she can think to do, she latches onto Jacob just like Bella, and when he starts acting like Embry and Quil did, she makes the decision to not put so much effort into a friendship that is clearly one sided. But what happens one day when Sam’s pack is in town at the same time as y/n and her new friends and two certain boys imprint on their former best friend? And what happens when a former best friend doesn’t feel the same way?

Authors note: Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!! I am actually so freaking excited that so many people liked the first chapter. When I posted this I never thought that I would be getting any kind of traction or reads but the 20 people that liked my first chapter are really making me feel good about myself and my writing skills. I don't know how consistent my chapter updating will be I have a really hard time with sticking to things but the enthusiasm i'm feeling after posting for the first time is really making my productivity flow.

Not beta read, lemme know If there are any egregious spelling or grammar errors and I will 100% go back and fix it

Word count: 1.8k

Embry Call x Fem!Swan!Reader x Quil Ateara

Slight Stiles Stlinski x Reader

Chapter 1 | Master list | Chapter 3

For the next two weeks your routine is almost exactly the same. You meet Scott and Stiles by your locker every morning and sit with their friends at lunch. It is such a crazy thing to think that if you had gotten to school any later that day then you would have never met them. And looking back, you can’t imagine not being friends with them now. They were filling the void that Embry and Quil had left in your heart. 

Your life was looking up and you were doing great, even Bella seemed to be doing better. She was hanging out with you and Jacob, and had even started going out with some of the kids from school. You and Stiles were getting closer to each other too. You spent most of your time in class, the ones you shared, talking to him and goofing off. You both had gotten in trouble a few times but that didn't deter you from talking. Like now. 

“Hey, so I was thinking about going into town this weekend, I need to do some clothes shopping and I was wondering, if perhaps, you’re free?” You had been meaning to ask him for the past few days but you had only now just worked up the courage. It was the first time you would be spending any time together outside of school and you were nervous. 

“Oh, uhh. Yeah totally!” His response was almost instant and the way that his cheeks turned a light pink told you that he didn't mean to answer you that fast. “Um, I mean, Yeah. I’m down to go with you.” Stiles blushed even harder and then turned forward to pay attention to what the teacher was saying. 

“Okay, cool. I’ll come pick you up around noon on Saturday?” 

“That’s good.” That was the end of the conversation. It seemed he was too caught up in the fact that you had asked him out to remember to talk to you for the rest of class. 

After school that day Jacob was leaning on your car, waiting for you to come out. He had been doing this a lot lately, waiting for you to get out of school so he could get a ride from you back to the reservation. Which didn’t really make sense to you but you figured if he liked doing this then why change it. 

“You will never guess what I did today.” It was the first thing that came out of your mouth when you got close enough to him. You couldn't wait to tell him about your hang out with Stiles on Saturday. “I asked Stiles on a date and he said yes!” You couldn't contain your excitement.  It was too hard to give him the time to guess what you did so you decided to just tell him. 

“Wow, that's a big step for you.” Jacob smiled, glad to see you happy. He knew that after the last few months you had that you deserved all the happiness you could get. “When are you going? Your sister asked me to go to the movies with her and this Mike guy on Sunday night and I really don't want to have to deal with it all alone.” 

“Well, we’re hanging out Saturday afternoon so I'm totally free to go with you guys on Sunday.” Jacob had had a crush on Bella for as long as you could remember, but you knew that he didn't want to be stuck in an awkward situation with her and some other guy. 

“Sooooo?” Stiles drawled, “what exactly are we looking for? Or what exactly are you looking for?” You two had been out for about 2 hours now and so far all you had found was a puffy green jacket and a pair of fluffy brown socks, which you only bought because they matched Stiles eyes. 

“I don’t know yet. I guess I'll know when I see it.” Your reply was nonchalant but you knew exactly what you were looking for. You just didn't want to let him know before you actually found it. Last week when you and your dad were in town you had seen a book that Stiles had been talking about religiously and with his birthday coming up you thought it would be the perfect gift. 

“Do you want to grab lunch too or do you want to just eat at my house?” you ask him, not seeing the way he turns to look at you with heart eyes. 

“We can go to the diner after you're done shopping.” He suggests. 

“Yea totally.” 

That’s when you heard it, the loud rumble of laughter from a group of boys at the other end of the street. You both looked up to where the noise came from. A slight gasp came from your parted lips as you saw Quil and Embry play fighting with the other boys from Sam’s group. Your face dropped as the two boys seemed to look up in unison and lock eyes with you. 

“Do you know them? They look like they know you.” Stiles asked, looking over at you to see you in some kind of trance staring at them. “Hey, y/n/n? Are you okay?” 

That seemed to snap you out of whatever daze you were stuck in. You looked away from them and back to Stiles before nodding and grabbing his hand to drag him into the nearest building. Which happened to be the bookstore you were looking for in the first place. 

“Sorry about that, they were just some old friends of mine. We don't really talk anymore and I haven’t seen them in some time so it was kind of shocking.” The apology spilled out of your mouth before you could stop it but that make it untrue. It was hard seeing them like that, happy and having fun when they left you feeling the way that they did. But you also couldn't help feeling a sort of resentment at them. 

“Nah it’s alright.” He dismissed taking a look around the bookstore. You had completely forgotten why you were in this store for a second, but when you remembered you had to hurry and spot the book before he could. 

Luckily you were able to find it and discreetly buy it while he looked around the store and grabbed a few things off the shelfs. When he was done checking out you slipped your hand into his, locked fingers, and led him out of the store. 

They had never felt like this before. As they locked eyes with you they saw their future flash before their eyes. You, Embry, Quil, and a happy little family. The euphoria and sense of calm that washed over them as they saw all of this was the most exquisite feeling either of the boys had ever felt. It was like nothing they had ever experienced and they had an inkling that they would never feel it again without you. 

When they watched you grab that boy's hand and run off it was like their entire world came crashing down. Their hearts, now beating in unison, felt like they were cracking. Before they could ever have you, you were gone and with someone else. Embry looked away first, face crumbling under the weight of these newfound emotions. He had never felt anything so fast, and to have it all ripped away from him so suddenly felt like a knife right into his soul. 

Quill was no better. The two boys had always shared everything growing up, they were the closest to each other of all the pack members. So it made sense that they would imprint on the same girl. And of course that girl would be their childhood best friend. The same girl they pinned after for years before turning for the first time and never speaking to her again. It was the hardest thing they ever had to do, and now, because of their actions, they were reaping the consequences. 

The dejection and rejection they were feeling was amplified by each other, every emotion coursing through their veins heightened by what the other was feeling. They wanted to whine and curl up into a ball at your feet and beg you to forgive them for the rest of their lives if that's what it took to make it up to you. 

It seemed as though the other boys around them knew not to say anything. No teasing remarks or mocking jabs were taken at the expense of the boys. All of them could sense that Embry and Quil had just imprinted on you. Everyone saw the way that you ran off like the sight of them would burn you if you looked for too long. 

“Come on, I think it’s time to head back.” it was Sam who spoke up. Always the one to take charge and take the lead in situations where no one knew what to do. But even now, he was struggling to find the right words to say or the right actions to take that could help these boys. He had never heard of an imprintee rejecting their mate. 

“No, but, we should go talk to her.” Embry whined out. Just the thought of leaving you behind after just finding out that he was supposed to spend the rest of his life with you sounded like agony. He would rather never be able to shift again than leave without you. 

“I think it's pretty clear that she doesn’t want to talk to either of you right now. Give it time. Think about how you want to approach her, what you’ll say. Right now is not the time or place for any of this, especially after that reaction.” Sam reasoned. He knew that getting everyone back to the pack house right now was his only option. He couldn't let Quil or Embry do something stupid and impulsive that could put people in danger. 

Everyone could see the way that the two boys hesitated to do what Sam asked. The longing and desire to be with you, so present in their eyes that they were waiting for something to happen. So Sam did the only reasonable thing he could think to do in that moment, and he commanded everyone to head back to the pack house at that instant. 

Begrudgingly Embry and Quil did as they were told and turned around to head back to the house. Looking back every so often, while the shop you had disappeared into was still in sight, to see if they could catch another glimpse of you through the windows or see you leaving. Just as the shop was about to disappear from their view the door gently swung open and you walked out laughing, head thrown back and a hand on your stomach as you full body cackled at whatever the mystery boy you were with voiced. Said boy, who was holding your other hand as he exited the building after you.

It tore their hearts even further in two. So with their tails, real and figurative, tucked between their legs they made their way back. Heads hung low and spirits completely drained.

What had started out as a normal Saturday had officially become one of the worst days of their lives.

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

Hello hello! Long time follower!

I really like reading all your translations, theories and fanfics! It's really great to be able to read your thoughts about characters and cards because am a f2p so I have a very limited stash of gems to pull lol

So I was thinking about the rrcent jp update and I went back to read some of your work on Scarabia. I'll admit they weren't amongst my favorites before so I haven't paid too much attention to them. I was wondering then about the couple times you've said Jamil is well off? Maybe it's from one of his SSR cards of his home event, but I can't remember where he or maybe Kalim implies that?

That's it, just a silly question thanks so much for all that you do, I love so much all your theories and thoughts about the lore and the cast! Have a good day!

Hdsbskwhsk I’m glad that my blog brings you joy and makes your free to play experience more fun 🤩 Thanks for sticking with me all this time!

As for your question, I’m not actually sure if there's dialogue which explicitly states the Viper family's level of wealth. I couldn't find any when I combed through, so I had to go off of implications and my own interpretations of those. From what I’ve gathered, I see the Vipers as upper middle class, or at least middle class with a LOT of benefits (the benefits being present boost them to upper middle class due to the lifestyle the benefits afford them).

So firstly, I think there's a lot of debate surrounding Jamil's family income. Some fans seem to think that the Vipers must be destitute due to their position as servants and Jamil's disdain for how the Asims throw around their money and influence. However, perceived social status or class does NOT always equate to being low income. There are people irl who are technically "servants" and "hired help" that make a significant salary while working for much wealthier individuals. There is data for bodyguards, private chefs, executive assistants, and skilled nannies who earn six-figure incomes and/or excellent benefits working for celebrities, politicians, businessmen, etc. (Notably, guarding, cooking, scheduling/planning, and generally looking after Kalim are all a part of Jamil's duties.) Real world examples of this include employees of the White House and the British royal family.

Now, that all depends a lot on the type of people the employers are. There are many wealthy families who mistreat their staff and/or don't pay them well. From what I've seen of the Asims though, I definitely feel that this is not the case. To begin with, the Vipers don't just do one task for the Asims, they do a LOT. You're already aware of the constant work Jamil has to do around the clock to keep Kalim safe and satisfied, but his parents must do the same. They're described as experts in hospitality and are frequently hosting and entertaining guests from all over Twisted Wonderland. This is skilled labor, and that demands commiserate pay. Not only that, but Kalim describes his father as someone who is very generous (and the guy has plenty of money to spare). I don’t see why Mr. Asim would purposefully skimp on specifically paying the Vipers.

I would also imagine that the Vipers are afforded other benefits. Jamil has said many times that he has to look or act a certain way, as his behavior/appearance reflects on the family he serves. Therefore, the Asims may provide other things Jamil and the Vipers need to “look good” and to best represent and serve the Asims. This could mean food, clothes, transportation/travel expenses, education (like additional training, manners lessons, certification exams, etc.) all paid for on the Asim family’s coin. Jamil has mentioned that his parents gave him lessons in everything he’d need to know in order to serve Kalim, so this tells his parents are also well-educated and/or were at least able to pay for lessons for Jamil. And these lessons aren’t “normal” lessons either, it includes things like formal bodyguard training (you’d have to pay for this irl) and formal table manners (which most of us aren’t taught unless we seek it out).

We also recently learned in book 7 that the Vipers live on Asim property, which is very luxurious. Jamil states that his family would be on the streets should they lose their place serving the Asims—and this could be interpreted in a very literal sense if we think of as losing the roof over their heads. Yes, it's technically not land or housing that the Vipers own, but it is still free high-class lodging, nonetheless. It is a benefit that is afford to them (among others) because of their job(s), similar to those real life examples I mentioned before. One could make the argument that none of this wealth truly belongs to the Vipers. However, you could also argue that because these benefits come with the job, it technically is theirs as long as they keep their job (which is, in fact, how jobs irl work; if you stop working for an employer then naturally you’ll stop getting the benefits that come with that job eventually). It’s complicated. I suspect that, at the very least, part of the reason why the Vipers don’t want to depart from serving the Asims is because they don’t want to lose the pay and the perks that come with their work.

I want to add that the Vipers’ position also gives them the unique advantage of exposing them to tons of important individuals. They are able to meet and connect with these VIPs when most people could never even dream of meeting them, even if just from the viewpoint of a servant. It’s a similar to Lilia and Silver, who technically are not rich (money-wise) but still have ties with majorly influential people (members of the Draconia royal family).

Obviously, the Vipers still aren’t as rich as the Asims and probably will never be, but I believe they still enjoy a comfortable lifestyle. We never see Jamil worry about money or being short of it. He gives his VDC/SDC earnings away without batting an eye, unlike Deuce (from a single-parent income family) who keeps the money since it would really help out his mom. He doesn’t have to work a ton of odd jobs to make ends meet (unlike Ruggie). But Jamil does haggle and act frugal. I think that behavior comes from not a genuine need but Jamil being mindful and planning ahead to avoid being scammed. He’s shown to be a cautious individual who often is the one putting the breaks on Kalim’s extravagance, so I feel the skill also comes partly from having to be the one to curb his ridiculous spending and bring Kalim down to earth. Jamil is still the type of person who would tell Kalim when he’s buying too much or overdoing things, even when it’s not Jamil’s own money being spent and he knows Kalim can afford it. That’s what leads me to believe his frugalness isn’t necessarily the result of him being low income and “needing” to save. If that were the case, he shouldn’t care if Kalim throws his own money at buying diamond jewelry for all the dorm members as souvenirs.

I think the closest metric we have as a frame of reference for how wealthy Jamil is comes from the Tapis Rouge event. In it, Jamil forks out 500 thaumarks (or 50000 madol) to buy a jacket. He remarks that the price is fairly expensive but good quality so it’s worth it. Whether you consider this an indicator of his low or high wealth is really all relative to what your own perception is. Jamil had also previously remarked that what the Mostro Lounge charges is absurd. In Ruggie’s Ceremonial Robes vignettes, Azul quotes the price of one soft drink as 4 thaumarks/400 madol. Jamil responds with “Four? Talk about a markup.” It should be noted that the latter example doesn’t mean Jamil cannot afford a drink of that price; he’s complaining about how expensive Azul has made it to capitalize on the high demand. Do with this knowledge what you will.

Anyway, those are my thoughts! I hope I was able to explain myself well. If you have any thoughts, please feel free to express them ^^

[stellar-haikyuu]

sorry if my rambling is not cohesive, but MAN i have so much to thank haikyuu for. hinata shoyo, in particular.

the first time i watched haikyuu, i remember that although i loved hinata, he gave me a lot of second-hand embarrassment (god forbid i accidentally get an authority figure's wig blown off). i loved his drive and passion, but i felt all twisty inside whenever he got humbled or criticized. i felt uncomfortable whenever he'd start rivalries with other players out of nowhere. but it was the s2 and s4 training camp arcs that made me realize why i felt that way; hinata was the embodiment of someone i was afraid to be.

it didn't help that i started haikyuu during the last month of my last semester. it was just one humbling moment after another. i made a fool of myself during a practical exam. i kept coming to my classes and exams late. i could barely study and write papers with the same energy i used to. i delayed and eventually discontinued promising projects. i just felt defeated, that i was not as gifted, smart, or competent as everyone made me out to be. i was so so close to giving up, but watching hinata's journey somehow turned me back around.

i hated being embarrassed. i hated sucking at things i thought i could/want to be good at. i hated the thought of other people saying negative things about me, whether those are rumors or factual statements. but all this made me do was run away, stay afraid, and miss out on things that could have helped me grow.

hinata though? he realizes his weaknesses, and actively finds ways to improve himself in the training arcs. every lightbulb moment and added skill is a middle finger to everyone who underestimated him. he reflects on the valid criticism that is given to him, even if it's hard to hear. he is successful because he has the right mindset that helps him through whatever life throws at him.

since i'm starting clinical internship soon, i'm so glad that hinata (and the entirety of haikyuu, really) brought back positivity into my life. even though the uncertainty terrifies me, i am so excited and grateful for all the learning opportunities i'll have. even if i make some mistakes, receive harsh criticism, or have a hard time, it is not the end for me. i won't lose my potential just like that.

anyway, i won't be playing volleyball anytime soon, but i suppose this is my "little giant" moment. hinata, you are so loved. thank you. <3

EDIT: hello to everyone who liked and reblogged this (or are about to), thank you for all the notes! i didn't expect this to blow up at all. hearts out to everyone who's in the same boat right now. i'm wishing you all the best! <3 also, i just attended an internship seminar about resilience, mindset, and goal-setting. i realized that hinata has what's called a growth mindset! it's worth looking up if you haven't ^-^

[from-the-clouds]

texas sun - joel miller x f!reader - vol. iii

series masterlist | series playlist | writing masterlist | previous chapter | gif credit

chapter summary: Somehow, you realize you've accidentally ended up spending almost every weekend for the last month and a half with either one, or all of the Millers. pairing: pre-outbreak!joel miller x f!reader words: 8.7k chapter warnings: some angst, alcohol consumption, marijuana use, suggestive thoughts (but no smut), referenced parental neglect, implied age gap. reader has daddy issues (shocker!) & a fear of intimacy. a/n: this chapter is so disgustingly sweet it might give you a cavity. truly. but its also a little self-indulgent because joel is in my dream blunt rotation :/ please be patient with updates because i have a career/social life/apartment, and am a perfectionist! i promise i will always (try) to make the wait worth your while. Also, here's a link to the song Joel plays on guitar, since it's not on Spotify so I couldn't add it to the playlist.

-April 19, 2003- 

“Well, that was awkward.”

Obviously, Joel thinks to himself as Sarah turns to watch the retreating form of her teacher, while Joel stares straight ahead at the crowd in front of him. At first, he had thought she was just being polite. It was the right thing to do, to say hello to a parent and a student if you see them outside of class. But…they were seeing each other at a bar. And she’d asked him to dance. 

We just got here, maybe later? Joel can’t even remember what he had said, something along those lines. It wasn’t a flat-out refusal, but he had been acutely aware of Sarah’s eyes boring into the back of his head from where she sat beside him, and he sort of blacked out, couldn’t recall what had caused her to get the hint, to walk away. 

Joel grunts an affirmation to Sarah, and drums his fingers against the tabletop. There’s a dance floor full of people in front of him, all under various levels of intoxication, all of them dancing. 

“Do you believe me now?” Sarah asks. 

“I never said I didn’t believe you.”

How he had allowed Tommy and Sarah to talk him into coming here tonight, he’s not sure. Probably, it had something to do with how much he loved them both. How he would, ultimately, do whatever they asked if he knew it’d make that happy. But still, honky-tonking is the last thing he wants to be doing at the end of a long week. 

There was pretty much only one decent bar in town, so he wasn’t exactly shocked he had run into someone he knew. Everyone came here – to dance, to drink, to eat, or to drown their sorrows. To see their friends, or even to find someone to take home for the night. And over the years, as a frequent customer, Joel had used this place to do all those things.

Tonight was special though, a little more family friendly. It was swing night. It happened once a month, and Joel had always made a point to take Sarah a couple times a year. When he was young, his mother had taught him and Tommy to dance, and he felt it was only appropriate to pass the skill along, even if it was almost obsolete. He hoped Sarah would be able to do the same someday, if she ever had children of her own. 

“Will you dance with me, at least?” Sarah asks.

“Of course I will,” Joel answers.. “But let’s wait for Tommy, he’s ordering our drinks.”

“You mean your drinks.”

“No, you got a Shirley Temple.”

Sarah narrows her eyes. It’s the same expression that Joel has only seen her use recently, and he actually prefers it less to the eye roll. This time, he’s glad it hasn’t come with a question from her, because when it does, it’s always a little more frightening. “Come on, you know that’s not the same.”

Before Joel can respond, he’s cut off by Tommy’s voice. 

“Look who I found.”

This is what he and Sarah have been waiting on, and Joel turns to sees Tommy with all three of their drinks in hand. Over his shoulder, there’s a woman who looks vaguely familiar, wearing daisy dukes and a plaid shirt. After a second, he realizes it’s you.

Most of the time when Joel sees you – from across the street, of course – you’re in a power suit, a pencil skirt. Sometimes, it’s more casual – athletic clothes. There was also that black silk robe he can’t seem to shake from his memory. But this is so…different. It’s clear you’re trying to blend in with the crowd, but you don’t. Not because you’re not pulling it off – you definitely are, effortlessly – he’s just pretty sure if he walks into any room you’re in, his eyes will always be drawn in your direction. 

Joel doesn’t see, but rather feels – Sarah recognize that you’re in front of her, because when she does, she’s tapping him on the arm before he can utter a greeting. “Dad, can I get out and say hi?”

He’s standing to let her out just as you step closer to the table, and you come chest to chest. “Hey,” he says. 

“Hi, Joel,” you say, a soft smile on your face. Your eyes remain locked on his just a moment too long, before Sarah is wrapping you up in a hug, and you’re focused on her when she draws back. “How are you?” you ask. 

Joel doesn’t hear Sarah’s response, because his brother is pressing a drink into his hand - a Jack and Coke, same as what you and Tommy are drinking. 

“Sit down, please!” Tommy encourages.

“Are you sure?” you ask. “This looks like a family thing, I don’t want to-” 

“Please!” Sarah exclaims. 

“What she said,” Tommy seconds Sarah’s sentiments.

For a second, you seem to contemplate the offer, and then you accept the invitation, sliding into the booth across from where Sarah has settled back next to her father. Joel makes eye contact with his brother, sitting next to you. Tommy’s eyebrows are raised suggestively, and there’s a playful smirk on his face when he tilts his head in your direction. Joel gives him nothing, already irritated by his brother’s goading. 

“Is that a Shirley Temple?” you point to Sarah’s drink. When she nods, you continue. “I haven’t had one of those in forever,” you say. 

“Want a sip?”

“Sure,” Sarah slides the glass across to you, and you sip from the straw, pondering. “I should’ve gotten one of those instead. They were my favorite growing up.” 

“Can I have a sip of yours?”

“No,” you and Joel say at the same time. 

“You’re not gonna like it,” he adds.

“You always say that, but how can you know?”

Joel sighs. “Okay, fine. Try mine.”

Sarah seems pleased to get what she wants. When the bitterness of the whiskey registers, the triumphant expression leaves her face completely. 

“Told you,” he says. Sarah grimaces, accepting defeat, and returns to her beverage. 

Tommy leans forward, urging Joel to start making conversation as if this is a date and it’s his responsibility. But before he can think of anything, Sarah pipes up. 

“Guess what?” she asks you.

“What?”

“My teacher’s here.”

“Yeah?” you ask. Joel takes a long pull off his drink, hoping it’ll loosen him up a little. 

“Yeah, she tried to hit on my dad.”

Joel feels the cocktail of whiskey and soda get caught in his throat.

“Oh….” you sound intrigued, and you lean forward. He wonders if this is the dynamic between you and Sarah when he’s not around. Like you’re two friends, engaging in some harmless gossip. “Really?” Your gaze flickers between him and Sarah. 

Sarah bobs her head once. “She has a thing for him. I can tell.”

“What makes you think that?” his brother joins in, moving closer to Sarah, crowding you between himself and the wall and putting his elbows on the table. Joel feels a flash of envy when you shift your attention towards Tommy.

“She just asked him to dance.” Sarah looks over her shoulder, nods her head towards the woman in the corner of the bar who’s probably already focused on his table anyways. Joel already knows what you’re seeing. Miss Davis is pretty, bubbly, outgoing. Probably about your age, if he had to guess, though it’s hard to say how old you are. He imagines he has ten years on you, give or take a few. And for all intents and purposes, Sarah’s teacher is the type of woman he should be interested in. 

“She’s pretty,” you say it like you’re appeasing Sarah, but you’re looking directly at Joel. He’s not sure why you kind of frighten him a little. You’re sweet, he knows, even if you’ve tried to tell him otherwise. But there’s something else there, enigmatic and alluring, that continues to draw him in. 

Tommy chimes in. “So are you gonna dance with her, Joel?”

“Uncle Tommy,” Sarah says dramatically. Her face drops for a second, though, her shoulders slumping as she angles herself towards him, lowers her voice. “I mean, if you want to, that’s fine, I guess. But I….I don’t know.”

Joel is taken aback by how long this conversation has gone on with absolutely no input from himself. Not to mention how honest Sarah is being. She doesn’t usually have much to say about his choice in women – he can usually just tell what she thinks. For her to express something so directly makes him realize how serious she is. But at the moment, he can’t find words to assure her everything will be fine. 

It must be his lack of response that causes you to lean across the table and speak to Sarah. “You know, that’s valid,” there’s a tenderness to your tone. It dawns on him that you’re trying to comfort her. “It is kind of a conflict of interest.”

“Right?” Sarah perks up, just slightly, you’ve given her some support. “It’s one of those things you said you had going on at work the other day an….an ethical…” 

“An ethical dilemma?” you finish her thought.

“Ethical dilemma! That’s it.” Sarah turns back towards Joel. “I think it's an ethical dilemma.” 

For just a split second, he wonders why he’s been letting his already-precocious child hang out regularly with a lawyer. He’s accidentally creating a monster. But thankfully, Joel is finally able to find his voice. “There is no ethical dilemma, because I wouldn’t ever consider it.”

That seems to placate Sarah, and hopefully everyone will decide to drop it. Joel catches your eyes, and there’s something akin to wistfulness there, chin propped on your hand, before you blink once and focus back on Tommy, who's asking you a question. “So, are you here alone?”

“Is it that obvious?” 

“Not at all,” Tommy smirks, not dropping his eye contact with you. “...It’s just surprising, is all.”

Joel stiffens.

“Oh, well…” you smile a little. “I’m just trying to get to know the town a little better. Trying to engage in the community, I guess. But…I’m not sure if I am doing that great of a job fitting in.”

“You are,” Joel interjects, and maybe it’s a little forward, but he’d rather say it before Tommy does. “That’s a nice flannel.”

“Thanks,” You look down at your oversized plaid shirt – the sleeves rolled up to the elbows – that hangs open over a tight white tank top. Joel can see a sliver of the black lace bra you’re wearing that pokes out above the low neckline. He wonders what it might feel like to press his face there, to feel your fingers carding through his hair, but does not allow himself to entertain the idea for very long. Not the time. “I actually had to go and buy it because I didn’t own any plaid. And by the looks of it,” You gesture towards the dance floor. “I need to invest in some cowboy boots, too.”

“One thing at a time, right?” he asks, and you agree.

“So what are you all doing here? Family outing?”

“We actually had to drag this one kicking and screaming out the door,” Tommy points to Joel. 

“You did not,” Joel defends himself.

‘We kinda did,” Sarah says. “Do you know how to dance?”

You shake your head no, look at the people twirling and dipping and dancing in pairs. “Not like that.”

“It’s really easy! I can teach you. My dad taught me.”

“Cute.” Joel looks towards Sarah, and catches you staring instead. Your eyes flit back immediately to his daughters. “But I’m not sure I’ll be any good.”

“You’ll be fine,” Sarah says like it’s already settled. Joel knows he’s spoiled her, that she ultimately gets what she wants. He worries sometimes that others won’t find her quite as endearing. 

“Sarah,” he warns. “You’re making it sound like she doesn’t have a choice.”

You hide a smile behind the rim of your glass. “It’s okay. You can teach me. Might as well learn, if I’m trying to fit in.”

Sarah seems satisfied.

“Joel tells me you grew up in New York City.” Tommy says it, and Joel notices you raise your eyebrows at the implication. He’s talked to Tommy about you. And now you know. He’s pissed at himself for doing it, but at the time he’d been drunk, a little more chatty and vulnerable than usual, and had mentioned you more than once. Too much to be a coincidence. The issue was, Joel had never expected you would talk to Tommy again. If he’d known you would, he wouldn’t have said anything. He doesn’t want to imagine the damage he had done when it was just the two of you, alone at the bar. But even now, he’s completely at his brother’s mercy. 

“Yep,” you nod. 

“You don’t have much of an accent,” Tommy remarks. 

“Not everyone has them.” 

“That’s fair.”

“I did, uh, go to a boarding school in a different state, though, so I wasn’t around it too much.” 

“Boarding school?” Sarah turns to Joel.

“Basically you live at school,” you answer her question. ”Kind of like college, but earlier. I started going when I was nine.”

Sarah frowns. “Wouldn’t you miss your family?” 

“Yes, and I did.”

“So why would you go?”

“Well…” you trail off, shift your weight. “It wasn’t up to me. My dad worked a lot, so it made sense.”

“What’d he do for a living?” Asks Tommy. 

“He’s a criminal defense attorney....owns his own firm and it does pretty well, so…” you shrug. “He was very busy.”

“And that’s why you’re a lawyer? To work for your dad?”

“At one point, that was the plan, yes."

“What happened?”

The question appears to make you uncomfortable, you cross your legs and glance down at the table. “Uhm….pass.” Joel sees your face go blank for a split second before you look up with an easy smile. It’s like the desolate look you’d been wearing was never there, and you point to your drink. “I’ll need a few more of these if you want that story.”

“Might as well order another round,” Tommy flags down a waitress.

You have one more drink, but you don’t really touch it as the four of you continue to talk. Joel has two more, and Tommy has three, because he’s Tommy, and also not driving. Both you and Joel also have to vehemently refuse his request to do a round of tequila shots. 

After a while, Sarah gets bored, then insists on teaching you to dance. You agree, but seem awfully reluctant. Joel wants to pull you aside and let you know that you don’t have to entertain everything Sarah offers, but once you’ve stood up, and he watches her arm link through yours as you both walk to the dance floor, he can’t bring himself to intervene. 

He’s never seen Sarah be so taken with someone before, and he’s filled with a vague sense of regret. He always thought that she was content with just him and Tommy. Maybe she has always needed more. It’s partially his responsibility, Joel thinks –  what could he have done to stop her mother from leaving? Even if he could’ve stopped it, they would’ve been a miserable couple…which might have been more damaging to Sarah than her mother not being around at all.

Once you’re long gone, Joel can sense what Tommy is thinking before he even opens his mouth. 

“Shut it,” Joel says before he can even hear his brother's ribbing. 

“I wasn’t even gonna say anything about that!” Tommy raises his hands, but Joel knows he’s lying.

“We should go over there,” Joel says. He trusts you, but in a bar full of drunk people isn’t interested in being far away from Sarah for too long. Both he and Tommy abandon their booth to mosey their way towards the dance floor. 

Sarah has taken you into a back corner, far away from the band playing, where the crowd has thinned a little. There’s room for him and Tommy to lean up against the wall and watch you both. 

Both your hands are clasped with Sarah’s, and she’s teaching you the counts, the steps, while you study the way that your feet move.

Joel has a feeling that if it weren’t for his daughter, you wouldn’t have hung out with his family for so long. It’s just like the hike, and as usual, he feels more like a third wheel than anything else. You’re right that you do look a little out of place here. Maybe you don’t belong,  but he likes it. You’re wearing a pair of beat up hi-tops, which are a sharp contrast to Sarah’s baby blue cowboy boots that are covered in rhinestone butterflies. He’d gotten them for her for Christmas that past year, and she only wore them during special occasions like this.

Joel is doing the best he can not to think about the way your legs look in those fucking daisy dukes. All on display, and he wonders what it might feel like to drag his tongue up the soft skin of your inner thigh, feel you quiver and whimper as he works his mouth closer to– Enough. He’s disgusted with himself for thinking about you like that right now. 

“Dad, look!” Sarah says, and it seems you’re catching on all right, but none of it looks graceful. Sarah’s trying to lead – which she has never done – so she falters often, and also can’t quite reach all the way above your head when she tries to spin you around. “Oh no, look at his face!” Sarah points. You turn his direction, and Joel realizes he has to neutralize the grimace that has crept onto his visage. “We definitely aren’t doing good.”

“I’ll get the hang of it,” you turn back to Sarah, assure her. “You’re a good teacher.” You’re being nice. Too nice, humoring her and laughing it off, even if she’s making a fool of you both. But you don’t seem to mind, because it’s making her happy. 

All of the sudden, the toe of Sarah’s boot catches on the scuffed wood floor and she lurches forward. Joel immediately pushes himself off the wall as though he could close the space and catch her before she faceplants, but he can’t, and he can already see a vision of himself sitting in the emergency room at 2 a.m waiting, while Sarah holds an ice pack on her nose. But you reach out before the image is fully realized, arms wrapping around her shoulders. “Careful!” You warn. And even though you shuffle forward with the weight of her, you keep her from falling. Once she realizes she’s safe, Sarah giggles and throws her head back, her eyes catching your own. 

He’s not sure what makes him do it. It could be the liquor, the way you look, the unspoken pressure from Tommy. Or maybe he’s just been wanting an excuse to be closer to you. Most importantly, at this rate, he feels like Sarah is going to hurt herself and also you in the process. Regardless of what the reason is, Joel decides to step in. He walks onto the dance floor.

“Alright,” Joel says once he’s gotten closer, looking at Sarah. “I can’t watch this anymore.”

“What?”

He halts in front of his daughter, jerks his hand. “Move. I’m takin’ over.”

Sarah rolls her eyes, but smiles a little, and drops her hands from your shoulders. Joel offers you his hand. “You mind?” 

You look between Joel and Sarah, and she gives you an encouraging nod. “He taught me, he does know what he’s doing.”

“Well okay,” you take Joel’s hand. “You better not embarrass me,” and then you actually fucking wink at him. Already overwhelmed by the delicate weight of your hand in his palm, it almost sends him over the edge. He’s lucky he’s in public, with his family, because he doesn’t think he’d behave himself otherwise.

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Joel answers. “Besides, I don’t think anything could be worse than what I was just watching.”

You giggle, and step forward when he tugs you just closer to dance, taking you fully in his arms. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Sarah dragging Tommy onto the dance floor. Everyone is taken care of.

You’re smart. And because of it, you’re a fast learner. Even people who can’t really dance can usually figure this out, himself included. But in Joel’s opinion, it’s always been less about getting the steps right, and more about who’s keeping him company. 

And you’re great company. 

Eager, willing, gentle…soft. He’s embarrassed at how long it’s been since he’s been this close to an adult woman, and normally he might be a little nervous, but instead, he just feels…comfortable. 

But Joel is a selfish man. He always wants more. Wants the band to play a slower song, so then he’d have an excuse to pull you closer. Wind an arm around your waist, whisper things in your ear that no one else could hear, and feel your breath hitch when they register. But this isn’t really the dance for that, and the rest of his family is just steps away. He’ll have to compromise – which he doesn’t like. 

“I’m going to dip you,” Joel says, matter-of-factly.

“No you’re not.”

“I am,” he insists. “It’s essential.”

“I seriously doubt that.” 

“Look,” he tilts his head to Tommy and Sarah, and the latter is laughing as she pitches all her weight backwards into his arms. He nearly drops to one knee to catch her, she’s still so petit, but their form is actually pretty good. And they aren’t the only people in the room doing it. 

“Okay,” you say, and give him a warm smile for a split second before becoming stone-faced. “But if you drop me-”

“Don’t worry, I’ve got you,” Joel drawls.

He puts his arms around your waist, one of them catching the middle of your back, the other on a patch of exposed skin on your hip – your tank top has ridden up slightly with all the movement. You dig your fingers into his biceps, cling to him like he had hoped you would.

And even when he draws you back up, eyes locked with your own, your grip remains the same. You stay close. 

“My turn,” Tommy interjects, and Joel can’t help the dirty look he gives him over your shoulder. He’s playing the annoying little brother, doing everything he can to piss him off. His brother wants to see Joel break, but he’s not going to give him the satisfaction.

Plus, Joel is happy to dance with Sarah, which is the whole reason they came here in the first place. She’s so excited to be there, and he wonders if there will ever be a time when she’s too grown up for things like this. He hopes not. 

He ignores the sound of Tommy’s laugh mingled with your own. You were not laughing that much with him, and that causes a pang of jealousy. Joel doesn’t like acknowledging it, but he’s always resented Tommy for his ability to be the charismatic one, the charming one, the happy-go-lucky one. Even when they were kids. That’s what it’s like to be the oldest sibling. Never as fun, always more practical, more serious, the voice of reason. Always in service to their siblings, all in the name of love. 

Eventually, you and Sarah are back dancing together, and since you’ve had some practice separately, it’s not as sloppy as before. It allows Joel and Tommy to return to their post against the wall, just out of earshot.

Joel feels his brother’s eyes on him as he watches you and Sarah. “Dude,” he finally gives in, looks over at Tommy. “Just ask her out already.”

Joel rolls his eyes. “Tommy-”

“You’re into her.” 

“Maybe,” Joel says, because he knows it’s pointless to lie. “But she’s got a boyfriend.”

Tommy elbows him. “So what?”

“I know you’re alright bein’ a homewrecker but I-”

“It makes sense Joel. She’s fuckin’ smart, and funny, and pretty. And Sarah fucking loves her-”

In any other situation, he would’ve acted weeks ago. But he’s starting to understand why he’s dragging his feet. Tommy’s right. Sarah adores you. Joel will fuck something up, it’s inevitable. And when you decide you never want to speak to him again, Sarah will lose you too. He’s already let her down enough. 

“I should’ve never fuckin’ told you–”

“Take her to drinks, to the movies, dinner, show up at her house with a bottle of wine, hell, something. If you don’t ask her out already, then I will.”

Joel punches his brother on the shoulder. It’s not enough to incite an actual fight, but it’s definitely not playful. “Ow!” Tommy grips at his arm. “What?” When Joel doesn’t answer right away, he rolls his eyes. 

“Speaking from experience, I’m surprised you haven’t already,” he raises an eyebrow.

“Once, Joel. That was one time. Will I never hear the end of it?”

“No,” Joel says. “And I see what you were doing tonight, too. Don’t think you’re slick.” he hopes to change the subject, and it seems to be working. 

Tommy sets them back on track. “Well, I was just trying to get you to wake the fuck up and see what’s in front of you.”

“Uh-huh.”

“What happens when Sarah grows up? Goes to school, leaves the house? Then, what are you gonna do? You’re just gonna be alone?”

“You are treadin’ on some mighty thin ice, Tommy,'' Joel hisses. ““You barely know this woman-”

“I’d like a family, too, Joel. When that happens I won’t be able to keep you company anymore. You might want someone else. And maybe it’s not her, fine. But there should be someone.”

For as much as he hates to admit it, Joel knows Tommy is right. 

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

-April 25, 2003- 

It’s six at night. and you’re already in your pajamas. 

A couple years ago, you would’ve thought that was pretty sad. These days, it’s only a little sad. You prefer things this way. That’s the perk of being an adult living alone. If you want to put on pajamas before the sun sets on a Friday night, you can. If you want to get stoned on the back porch of the house you bought yourself, you can. If you want all those things to happen while you watch the sunset and listen to yacht rock, you can. And you’re going to. 

You’re toying with the new digital camera your brother bought for you. Vincent likes to argue with you, but he always feels guilty after a conversation gone wrong. Rather than use his words, however, he just buys you gifts. You had apologized over the phone a few days ago…this was his way of doing the same. The shutter clicks as you snap a photo of your backyard, and you look at it in the viewfinder before discarding the camera on your coffee table.

Martini is on the porch with you, doing that thing where he stands just out of reach but chirps at you until you pet him. When you reach out, he moves away. He’s not great at accepting what he wants. Maybe it’s why he’s sort of the perfect cat for you – you’re the same. 

You light your bowl, and you’re mid-inhale when you hear someone call your name. 

“Hey!” 

At this point, you’d recognize Joel Miller’s voice anywhere. You don’t want to admit it’s because you’ve tried to commit it to memory, daydreamed about how it might sound for his smooth lilt to read you a book until you fall asleep, or listen to him take a phone call in the other room. 

Realizing it’s him, you inhale sharply, forgetting what you’re in the middle of and taking a much bigger hit than you had intended. You begin choking violently on the smoke while simultaneously scrambling to hide your piece and the related paraphernalia sitting out, and manage to do so just in time for him to round the corner. 

You scramble to hide your bowl under the pillow of the outdoor couch you sit on, just in time for Joel to appear at the screen door. 

“Hey,” you say, covering your mouth. Your throat burns, and you cough again. Stay cool, stay calm. Everything is good. “What are you doing here?”

“Sorry, I tried your front door and you weren’t answering, so I thought I’d see if you were back here.” It’s hard to see him from here, through the door, and he’s backlit by the sun that’s shimmering behind his dark hair, catching it in a golden halo. 

You rise to open the door, and when you do, he continues. “I’m here to pick up Sarah’s soccer jersey.”

Right. Of course he was. She had left it a few days before, and you had assumed she’d come get it before her game on Saturday but it didn’t dawn on you until now that she ever had. 

“I would’ve sent her, but she’s at a sleepover tonight.”

“Oh yeah,” you nod, standing in place. You’re trying so desperately to act normal, words evade you.

Joel squints at you, a slight smirk on his face. “I didn’t catch you off guard or anything, did I?’

“No, no, not at all,” you lie. “Come on in.”

Joel steps over the tiny dish of cat food you’ve left on your back step for the stray you feed, and into the screened-in porch. Now that he’s under the dim light, you get a better look at him. A loose-fitting flannel hangs open over a worn green t-shirt that barely meets the top of his jeans. His hair is damp, like he’s just showered, and he smells clean. In any other situation, you’d want to climb him like a tree, and he’s not even trying. But right now, you’re just doing your best impression of a sober human that is definitely not doing anything illegal. The truth is, you should’ve made him wait outside.

“This is nice,” Joel says, looking around. And you really wish he wasn’t because you notice that you left the clear plastic baggie containing your weed out on the couch. It sort of blends in with the green floral pattern, so you hope for the best, because there’s no way for you to sneakily grab it without drawing his attention. “I didn't know this was back here.”

“The last owners added it on,” you say, because that was the type of thing the realtor had said to you about the features of this house. And you supposed a carpenter or contractor would probably be interested in it. It was a good distraction.

“I can tell. Looks new,” he looks up towards the wooden beams that span the ceiling. The top of the porch is still covered, so during the few times it’s rained, you always sit outside to listen.

“I’ve got her jersey in the kitchen,” you tell him. “Wait here.”

It doesn’t take long for you to pick out the bright blue athletic gear from your pile of dry cleaning. It stands out against all your neutral-colored pantsuits. Joel has his back to you when you return, one of his hands clenched into a fist. 

“Here,” you say, and he turns. 

“You had it dry cleaned? You didn’t have to do that.”

“I kind of wasn’t sure if it was safe to run through the machine,” you explain. “But now that I’m thinking about it….it wouldn’t make sense to give a bunch of 11-year-olds dry clean only jerseys.”

“It wouldn’t. But it’s probably more convenient than scrubbing the grass stains out yourself.”

“Speaking from experience?”

“Unfortunately. But again…thank you.”

“Of course.”

This is where Joel should leave, walk across the street, and go home. And he does, well, at least, he starts to. He steps away, reaches for the handle to your back door, and then pauses. “You know,” he says, glancing over his shoulder. “The Watsons were tellin’ me the other day you’ve been complaining about a family of skunks living under your house?”

You freeze, recalling the lie you’d come up with on a whim when your sixty-year-old neighbors had started asking too many questions. 

“Well, it does smell a little over here.”

“Uh-huh,” you give him nothing.

“Something like that….you should really call animal control. Get rid of the problem,” Joel’s facing you now, eyebrow raised. 

“If I call animal control…they’ll just kill them,” you answer. “And I don’t want that. So…I think I’ll just have to live with it.” 

“That’s fair,” Joel says. “But you know, Sarah’s over here all the time, and I’ve never heard her mention it.”

At this point you know he’s just fucking with you. But years of remaining stone-faced through business negotiations and family dinners has prepared you for this, so even if you’re a little stoned, you’re not going to let him win. 

“Yeah, it sounds like a coincidence. But they’re never around when she’s here,” you say, in your own defense. “Ever,” you add for emphasis. 

“I guess that’s good.”

You both stare at each other for a second, and your blood buzzes slightly because even though this is just a playful standoff, you’ve never made such intense eye contact with him. It feels electric. After what feels like an eternity, Joel lifts his hand from his hip, and you see what he’d been holding in his fist, now pinched between his thumb and forefinger. He raises an eyebrow.

When you see the plastic baggie dangling in front of your face, you purse your lips. “Alright, you got me,” you lift up your hands, but snatch the bag from him. 

“And here I thought you were such a good girl.”

You don’t even want to acknowledge the full body chill that runs down your spine at the sound of those two words, coming from him. Snatching the bag back from him, he gives you a cheeky smile. “If you give me a hit, I won’t tell anyone.”

Your jaw drops, and you look up at him. “Oh, you’re trouble.”

“I’m not the one lyin’ to my neighbors.”

“And I’m not the one snooping through my neighbors' things.”

“It was right out in the open.”

Joel doesn’t seem bothered at all. But it’s Texas, so you can never be sure. “Okay, fine,” you say. “If you want….I could roll us a joint. Unless you have other plans.”

“The alternative is a house to myself for the evening and some chores, so…yeah. Whatever you’d like.”

“Great.”

Joel follows you to sit on the couch. As you settle on opposite ends, he speaks up. “So you think you could explain to me why my daughter keeps tellin’ me she wants to be a lawyer?”

You snicker. “Believe me, Joel. I’ve tried to talk her out of it already.”

He chuckles. “It’s okay. Probably a more lucrative career than what I’m doing. She’s really taken a liking to you, you know that? I don’t think I’ve ever seen her warm up to anyone so quick.”

“Well, I’m the first adult she knows that’s not an authority figure.”

“I’m sure there’s more to it than that.”

“I remember being that age,” you look down at your work. “It’s nice to have someone older to relate to, who you can talk to without being afraid of getting a lecture.”

“She probably needs it,” Joel says. “She told me you talk about girl stuff. I’m not so great at that.”

“I don’t know,” Your tongue darts out to wet the edge of the paper and finish rolling the joint. You put it between your lips, and rummage through the drawer of the coffee table to find your lighter, gesture between the both of you. “This is about ninety percent of how I spent my time with my friends at her age…and so far you’re doing alright.”

“Now you’ve got me worried about what’s going on at that sleepover.”

“Okay, well, I was maybe a little older. And with her? You’ve got nothing to worry about,” you shake your head. 

He rubs the back of his neck, and his eyes glow with the reflection of your lighter as it’s flicked on. “I don’t know.”

“She’s fine, Joel,” you say, bringing the lighter closer and shielding the flame from the calm breeze of the evening. “She’s great. Really.”

“She is,” he agrees. You inhale, let the smoke settle in your lungs for a moment, before exhaling. You take your time, feeling warm from the weed and the feeling of Joel’s eyes on you, and he accepts the joint when you pass it over.

“I really didn’t really expect this from you,” he exhales, studying your handiwork before taking another puff. “You’re pretty buttoned up.”

“This is hardly rebellious.” Instinctually, you like the idea that he thinks you’re buttoned up. Deep down, however, you don’t actually want him to.

He looks so dreamy, the smoke curling though his eyelashes, tracing along his defined jaw, and then up, up, where it settles and shifts under the porch light, before disappearing completely.

Martini, who has been in hiding, hops up on the couch, and Joel reaches out, your cat nuzzling its face into his palm. “Didn’t know you had a cat,” he mumbles. And then, like some sort of magic, the cat plops down on Joel’s lap. 

“I do…but…” you say out loud, then trail off because you’re in such shock. You glance up at Joel, who looks confused. “I’m sorry, I’ve just never seen him do this.”

He passes the joint back to you. “Do what?”

You take a final puff, and then put it out in an ashtray. It’s only about half smoked, but you can get into it later if either of you wants to. Plus, you’re more interested in what’s unfolding in front of you. “I kinda want a picture of this.”

“What?”

“I’ve had him for five years and he’s never sat on my lap like that,” you say, and you can’t keep the resentment from dripping into your tone. “What makes you so special? I’m a little jealous.”

“Of me? Or the cat?”

Something honey-thick drips down your spine at his words. You can’t conjure a witty response, opting instead for: “Shut up.”

You snap a couple photos while Joel’s still laughing, one hand on his chest, the other on Martini’s back, and then put the camera down, and lean against the back of the couch, curling your feet underneath you. 

“You’ve got a nice view of the sunset,” Joel says softly.

There’s a distant fear you might never get to see him like this again, and you want to take him in fully before you drag your eyes to see what he’s looking at. Your backyard slopes down into a small patch of woods, the sky opening even wider to let in the aureate light. 

“I know,” you agree. “It’s why I spend so much time back here.” The high continues to settle over you, strokes your shoulders, tugs at the corners of your lips.

“Surprised you like things that are so peaceful…being from the city and all…”

“The city is peaceful,” you say, thinking of the leaves swirling from the trees in the fall, and the snowflakes falling onto your family's porch in the winter, melting on the tip of your nose as you lean over the balcony to see the glittering lights below, car horns and engines and sirens piercing the darkness, white noise. “In its own way.”

“You miss it?”

“Everyday,” you say. 

“What do you miss the most?”  

“Uhm…probably the bagels,” you lie. Well it’s true. But it’s not what you miss the most. You think of your brother, flopping onto your bed on a Saturday night – a rare weekend when you visit home – and you’re trying to read A Tree Grows In Brooklyn for school but he’s begging to take you around the corner to get a milkshake. It’s the image of him you’ve so desperately tried to cling to and the recollections you share with him have only gotten more and more unpleasant as time goes on. “The bagels here suck.”

“Really?” Joel seems amused by that. 

“And uh…I don’t know. It’s part of me. I have a lot of friends there, a lot of good memories,” you smile to yourself, lean forward towards him. “I had this apartment before I graduated, right? It had the best view of this little Italian restaurant, and I’d sit and watch people through the windows, eating and talking. I was supposed to be studying, but…it was great. I loved it.”

“What’re you doing here, then?” Joel asks, and you look back at the sunset. Here you are, waxing poetic and you’re sure he can hear it in your voice. “You runnin’ from something?” You look over to find he’s staring at you. Like he knows you aren’t being honest, and he’s asking you to stop lying.

So you do the only thing you can think of, which is to ask him a question in response. “What makes you think I am?”

Joel considers this for a moment. “I don’t know. I grew up in Austin. All my friends are here, my family. If I ever moved someplace else….it’d have to be for a good reason. And even if I did, I’d be lonely.”

You stare down at the floor. “Maybe I am.” Lonely? Or running from something? The answer is both, you know, but you’re not going to clarify. “My family. Things are pretty fucked. I thought distance would help, and it does, a little. But….that shit still follows you anyways. They’re always with you, no matter what.”

Joel nods. 

“But… I have a life here. When I lived downtown, I definitely did. I don’t mind the quiet, and….I have friends.”

Joel looks at you. “You got a boyfriend, don’t you?”

Why would he think that-oh. You had tried to forget it, the morning he’d caught you still wrapped up in your robe – not the fluffy fleece one you liked the most, but the one you specifically only wore when you had guys over, cause they loved that shit.

“Oh, right,” you say. “Bradley. Yeah, uh. He’s…he’s….not my boyfriend. But…” you shake your head. “It’s a little complicated.”

“I’m sure it ain’t that hard to explain.”

“I mean…” you avoid his eyes. “He’s kind of an asshole, but we’re not really commited to each other in a meaningful way. Plus, he’s not around that much which is kind of perfect…for me.”

“Really?”

“Less to worry about,” you answer, purse your lips. “But…I don’t know. I sorta wish he got my heart rate up a little more.”

“He’s not your type?”

“I don’t really have a type,” you shake your head. “I like what I like.”

Joel rasps. “I feel the same,” and he’s made sure your eyes are on him when he says it.

You swallow, nod, smooth your hair back. “Anyways. Why’re you asking me all this?”

Joel doesn’t seem to find an answer right away. You narrow your eyes at him, studying his face, looking for something that will give him away. It’s a trick you’ve learned…silence…a bit of skepticism. It makes people uncomfortable. And Joel shifts his weight, squirming beneath your gaze. Until something in his face shifts, and he smiles….just a little. 

“So that’s where Sarah learned that.”

“Learned what?”

“That look you’re giving me.”

“What look?” 

“Like you can see right through me.”

“Can I?” You narrow your eyes further.

“You’re tryin’ to.” 

He’d done a good enough job of avoiding your question, and you’re not gonna ask him again, and instead opt for a different one. “So what about you, then?” you poke his knee with your foot.

“Oh, I’m not answerin’’ that.”

“What? I just told you, that’s not fair.”

Joel runs a hand along his jaw, ponders. “Most women don’t want to be with a man who already has a kid so…things on that front are not always easy.” 

“I have a hard time believing that. I mean, don’t you have an upcoming date with Sarah’s teacher or something?” you tease.

“That’s not happening,” he assures you. “But….I work so much these days I don’t have the capacity for much. So I get what you mean, sometimes it’s easy to not get emotionally involved but…I’ve never really been great at that.”

“You’re a relationship guy?”

“I mean, Tommy has been pestering me about this lately. Says at this rate, once Sarah’s grown, I’ll end up old and alone. Annoys me to hell, but he’s right. I wouldn’t mind…some kind of companionship. Someone to tell you you’ve done alright at the end of the day.” 

“You sound awfully romantic,” you at him blink slowly.

“I can be, when I want to.” Joel rolls his eyes. “But right now…I think I’m just stoned.” 

That makes you giggle. So he’s just being honest. “I didn’t really see much great come from settling down when I grew up, so I’ve always been a bit of a pessimist when it comes to love. What you’re saying….it’s a nicer way to think of things.”

You rarely connected with the men you dated. You chose to date douchebags, to date cheaters. It was better that way, to know up front what you were getting yourself into. The best ones didn’t ask for much, just the odd fuck here and there for a couple months, and you’d step away when things were no longer fun, if they evewere to begin with. 

Actually getting married, settling down, didn’t feel like a real possibility for you. So you’d never allowed yourself to indulge in what seemed like a fantasy. Some women aren’t meant to be a part of a family. Your father had told you once – during one of few times he’d attempted to comfort you after your mother didn’t call on your birthday – as if it excused his own neglect. 

“Yeah, and it hasn’t all been bad. I mean, I’ve had a couple good girlfriends over the years. They were sweet, fun. I enjoyed the time I spent with them, they just…never made it through the real litmus test.”

“Sarah?”

He nods. 

“It would be hard, I imagine. For her. Accepting someone new into her life.”

“Yeah.”

“You really care about her,” you say. “About how she feels. It’s nice.”

“I’m doin’ my best.”

The way he talks about Sarah makes you nauseated. It’s something pure, and you can’t help but feel bitterly nostalgic. 

“I wish my dad would have been like you.”

It slips out, and you immediately regret it. It’s been too long since you’ve gotten stoned with someone else, and you’ve forgotten your filter. And even though you’ve already divulged more to him about you than you normally would, this feels like too much all of the sudden. 

This isn’t something you can backpedal, and before you know it, Joel is leaning towards you. There’s concern written in his features, he wants to comfort, and you thank God for what happens next, or it all would’ve been too much.

His shift in weight causes Martini to jump off his lap and sprint to the door of the porch. He stares at you and then meows. 

Even though Joel isn’t touching you, you have to tear yourself away from the hold he’s got you in. ““I gotta let him in, or he’ll get annoyed.”

You move to open the door, and the cat slips inside.

“Is that a guitar in there?” Joel asks, catching a sliver of the gleaming body in the dim light.

“Yeah.” 

“You play?”  He questions, and you come to sit back on the couch. 

“Not anymore. It’s more of a decoration. How about you?” 

“A little.”

“A little?”

“A lot.” Joel smiles, looks at the ground like not sure why he’s telling you this. “I actually uh, used to want to be a singer.”

“What?” you ask. “You’re kidding.”

“No,” Joel shakes his head. 

“Joel, what?” you put a hand on his arm and lean forward, then look at the guitar.

“Why not?”

“I was…young when I had Sarah. And I had to do something that could actually help us get by.”

“Okay well, you have to play me something, then,” you rise to step inside and retrieve it off the wall. 

“No, no-”

“Come on, please?” you ask. “Don’t be a tease.”

Joel just stares as you bring the guitar out to him. 

“Although this might be out of tune…” you strum once, and wince at the tinny sound it makes. “Definitely it is.”

“Here,” Joel takes it from you. “I can do it.”

It takes him a moment, but he’s plucking the strings in a way that feels so instinctual, purposeful, you can already tell he knows what he’s doing. Once he’s finished, he strums a few chords, and everything is magically in tune. 

“Alright,” you prompt, when he hesitates. “What are you gonna play me?”

“You know any Neil Young?”

“Of course,” you answer. 

Joel nods once, looks down at the guitar, and starts playing. You’d recognize the opening chords to anywhere, but he somehow makes them sound even moodier, and bittersweet. 

Come a little bit closer, hear what I have to say…

He can sing. You’re taken aback. You’re not sure what you expected, but it’s definitely better than that. Deeper, raspier, and now you have new information about him that’s going to bounce around your brain when you’re bored during meetings at work, while you’re lying in bed at night, trying to sleep. 

Because I’m still in love with you, I want to see you dance again…

You shift your weight, sling your arm over the back of the couch, and rest your chin on your hand. Suddenly, you’re feeling a little tired. He’s all-but putting you to sleep and, somehow, that feels like the highest compliment you can give. It could be because you’re stoned, but you feel warm all over. You close your eyes, just listen, until he’s finished.

Even after he’s finished, you keep your eyes closed, settling. Until you feel something graze against the back of your hand. Joel’s. He’s matching your own pose, facing you, but reaching out…

“That was nice,” you say, earnestly. You’re good.”

Joel smiles bashfully, tugs your hand from beneath your chin and pinches your index finger between two of his own. Your nails are painted a glittery purple, and Joel studies them. Sarah had painted them earlier this week when she’d hung out after school, and had picked out the color. 

“So are you,” he shifts closer. 

He’s not quite close enough to kiss you himself. But it’s enough…he’s just giving you the chance to lean in, to close the gap. The proximity makes you dizzy, and you’re a little overwhelmed. It’s too much. It’d be too much. You can’t. You’re afraid of what he might do to you.

“We should be good, then,” Gazing at him from under your lashes, you pull back just enough. It’s not a rejection, and you can tell he doesn’t see it that way either. There’s a mutual understanding, you’re on the same page, but you aren’t quite sure what it is. The warmth of Joel’s hand leaves yours, and a part of you is filled with regret.

And then, like it never happened, the two of you spend another hour talking. He’s engaged, intuitive, thoughtful, funny. By the time he excuses himself, long after the sun has fully dipped below the horizon, you feel like he’s an old friend. An old friend you want…badly, but, you know him on a level you hadn’t before.

“Gotta be up tomorrow for a soccer game, otherwise I’d stick around,” Joel says as you’re guiding him to the front door.

“It’s alright,” you say. “You’re welcome to do this anytime.”

“You sure?” he tilts his head, leaning against the doorframe on his way out. “You might regret offerin’ that….”

“I won’t.”

--

part iv

taglist: @yaskna@venomous-ko@lomljigg@yeehawbitchs@ay0nha @eldahae @lol-im-done@melancholicmelanin@reggies-floatie @omniscientqueer@superflymaterial@mikkorantanev@zbeez-outlet @nadja-antipaxos @strawberri-blonde @jabbajambler @ponyboys-sunsets @kyuupidwrites @r4efromvenus @loveatfirstsight-atlastsight @korianderbandit @nicoleoeoeoe @hotgirlsshareaccounts @madisonred88 @crustyrustydusty @sflame15-blog @issybee0611 @darkemeralddiamond @grandmana @totallynotastanacc @ay0nha

[skyrim-forever]

What inspired you to write?

This is such a great question, thank you so much <3

I gotta do a bit of background first. Growing up I was an art kid, I liked painting, drawing, charcoal, whatever I could get my hands on. My best friend was (and still is) a very gifted writer so I (incorrectly) fell into the idea that I shouldn't even bother to write because she could do it so much better. Then when I was 16 I went through something that caused me to develop PTSD and I couldn't do art anymore. All the life had gotten sucked out of me.

I enter university and suddenly I am surrounded by all these people who didn't have hobbies so much as they had competitive skills. I remember mentioning I liked dancing and had taken some free classes run by someone in my hometown; turns out they had been competitive dancing since they were four! I mentioned I used to do art, they blew anything I ever did out of the water! So I just stopped even trying things because it felt like if I wasn't doing something to be great at it there was no point. I also had other insecurities that played a bit part but I don't want to discuss them publicly.

Then I get to grad school, I end up making a new tumblr account for tes stuff and I start making friends with people who write fanfic. I've been reading fic since I was 14 so it was so cool to interact with wips and seeing things develop. Overtime seeing how supportive everyone was I started to get interested in trying. Some authors I'm very glad to call friends like @dirty-bosmer @lucien-lachance and @thequeenofthewinter are who inspired me to just do it.

The first piece I wrote I was from the Skyrim Sexyman Poll, last Feb. I don't think it's a good piece of writing, but I keep it up on ao3 because it's important. It needed to exist because it showed me I could, I could in fact write fanfic. And then I was like hmmm, fanfic is all about writing scenarios you want, what do I want? And I wanted Ondolemar smut I'll be honest. I've written some other fics that aren't about him and I like them, but having a blorbo is so good for the creative proccess. And it's helped me find my voice and now that I am freed from the shackles of grad school I'm feeling more creative than ever and want to start writing other characters and write weirder fanfic :P

The phrase "the first draft's job is to exist" has done wonders for me <3

TLDR: the cool authors here were so cool that I wanted to be like them too :P

[hongherbac]

[Serizawa centric] The Humanity of S&S - Chapter 6

Read it on AO3

Chapter: 6/6 (FIN!)

Fandom: モブサイコ100 | Mob Psycho 100 Rating: General Audiences

Non-Romantic Relationships: Seirizawa Katsuya & Reigen Arataka & Dimple

Summary: Ido confronted Serizawa, and Reigen was very supportive there.

Author Notes: Sooooo this is my first MP100 fic and also my first story in years. I really love Serizawa and Reigen. I wish them to be happy. Of course now I can see many flaw in the fic, but there are still some parts that I truly enjoy. Hope you do too! :)

Chapter 6

By the time they returned to the office, it was already dark. Outside the dimly lit building, there was a large sign that said "Spiritual Counseling Office" and a window with blinds next to it. Although the curtains were always drawn, a faint light could be seen. Reigen would definitely remember to turn off the lights (because he was stingy with the electricity bill), so since the light was on, it meant that someone was in the office.

It was probably the kids. He thought so. But when he opened the door, he found that it was not the case.

A middle-aged man was sitting on the office sofa. With his neatly combed hair and crisp white shirt, he was staring at the exaggerated "Greatest Psychic of the 21st Century" poster on the wall. Because of the excessive photo-shopping, Reigen looked more cunning than confident. Only when he heard the door open did the man turn to face them. It was a figure Reigen didn't recognize, but Serizawa was quite familiar with.

"Ito-san!"

"Hello. Since the door was unlocked, I took the liberty of coming in." Ito bowed, but his eyes couldn't help but look at Reigen secretly, "Nice to meet you. I'm Ito Sayuu. Serizawa and I are classmates from night school."

Ito…? Reigen's mind raced and immediately connected the dots.

"So you're a classmate of Serizawa. Welcome! Please make yourself at home. We really appreciate how you’ve looked after Serizawa." he said with a bright smile, gesturing for Serizawa to sit on the sofa, "You're here to see Serizawa, aren't you? Take your time, I'll make some tea."

Serizawa said with some discomfort, "Why is Ito-san here?"

"You were absent from class yesterday. I heard from the teacher that you didn't ask for an excused absence, so I was worried and thought I'd drop by at the address on your business card. Here, this is yesterday's homework and notes." Ito took out some papers from his briefcase and said kindly, " It's a relief. I was afraid you might be scared to go out again."

"Uh…" Serizawa shrank, avoiding eye contact, "Thank you for your concern. I'm fine."

"That’s good to hear. I'm glad I came. And I get to see the excellent boss Serizawa told me about, so now I’m reassured." Ito smiled, "Now I can be 100% sure that this company is a fraud."

-Thunk.

Reigen slammed the ceramic cup down, "Tea, please."

"Don't be mad. I won't tell anyone, for Serizawa's sake."

"I'm not mad. I've met enough skeptics; you won't make a difference." Reigen said, sitting down next to Serizawa, leaning back and crossing his legs, "Let's get straight to the point. What’s your real purpose for coming here?"

"You are certainly an experienced fraudster. So I'll come straight to you. I want Serizawa to join my company."

"That is his own choice. What's it to me?"

Ito stared at Reigen, "I can see that you have extremely good observation skills, coupled with a flamboyant but infectious performance and dialogue. You use these skills to fool some unfortunate souls who think they have encountered supernatural events, perform some random spells according to the Internet, and then say some words to put them at ease. Am I wrong?"

"If you're so good at reading people, why don't you look in the mirror? Afraid to see a cocky punk?"

Ito maintained his politeness, but his eyes were clearly enraged.

"The problem is that Serizawa believes in you with all his heart. He lacks social experience and judgment, which makes him easy prey for someone like you, who uses his naivety to manipulate him while making him believe he's doing good. It's just so pathetic, I can't bear to see it." He tapped his fingers heavily on the desk, "Exorcism? Psychic powers? If it's true, how about you show me right now?"

Dimple squinted at them, "Just let Serizawa show off a little, so that guy will shut up."

"No." Reigen declared, "It is not necessary."

"Looks like it’s not going to happen." Ito smiled, "Forget it. I'm not interested in arguing with you. Supporters will always come up with reasons anyway. We're actually quite similar in some aspects. There's no need to be enemies. Let's make a deal between our companies."

"What is it?"

"You fire Serizawa, and I'll offer you a sum of money that will more than make up for the loss."

"What do you take others for…? Pawns for you to play with?"

"Just like you. Whatever you want to call it, I'm just good at using other people's talents. I place them in the most suitable position according to their weaknesses and abilities. It's perfectly reasonable."

"Right. Now I finally understand."

Reigen was expressionless, but his eyes showed unreserved contempt.

"You're the one who has been disturbing Serizawa for the past two days. For someone who lacks self-confidence like Serizawa, you just have to keep denying his thoughts, ignoring his feelings, and acting as if he's not normal, and you represent the universal values. Once he no longer trusts himself and instead believes in you to lead him, he'll be at your mercy.

He pointed at himself with his thumb.

"On the other hand, a self-centered, petty, snobbish fraudster like me, who has less capital than your company, will be easier to deal with by offering a favorable deal. To put it bluntly, you don't really need Serizawa as an employee. You just enjoy the hunt."

Ito was flustered for a moment, obviously not expecting Reigen to be so eloquent and explicit. But he quickly regained his composure.

"Now we're both on the same page. What's your decision?"

"For something this important, shouldn't we ask the person involved?" Reigen looked at the subordinate, "What do you say, Serizawa?"

"Uh, I…."

Serizawa was at a loss for words. He had been silent, listening to the two presidents' war of words over him, wringing his hands in anxiety and keeping his eyes on the ground. He was not as eloquent as Reigen or Ito. Now he was asked for his opinion. He stammered for a long time, unable to clear his thoughts and couldn't spit out a single word.

"Serizawa, you will make it right, won't you?" Ito softened his tone again and changed to that seductive manner, "Think rationally; the objective conditions on my side are certainly better, and my company is quite decent. I'm sure your mother would be very happy if you came to work for me."

Mother? Serizawa's expression turned panicked. Reigen noticed the reaction and recalled the accident at the convenience store yesterday. He had just entered the store after withdrawing his money, when he overheard Serizawa talking on the phone. His quick mind connected the dots, and he immediately realized what had happened.

Ito Sayuu. Reigen hadn't expected him to be this despicable. Now, he was really pissed off. This guy not only undermined Serizawa's self-esteem, but even used his family to make him feel ashamed and guilty.

"… Mom was always worried about me," Serizawa said, "She was always like that.  I had told her several times to give it up, but she kept finding new counselors to convince me to leave the room. She didn't understand. I just didn't want to hurt people anymore, and I didn't want to be reviled and treated like a monster.

"But I've thought about it. There are so many things in this world that I do not understand. For example, I can't understand why Ito-san is so confident, so unafraid of others, and so bold in expressing your opinions. So I think it's actually quite normal that Ito-san can't understand my thoughts right now."

He swallowed nervously and forced himself to look up at Ido.

"I have learned a lot here, and I have used my abilities to help many troubled clients. Reigen-san is a good person. I like the people here. I'm very happy." Serizawa bent down and bowed deeply to Ito, "Thank you very much, Ito-san, for your kind offer, but I must decline your suggestion. This is a decision based on my own judgment."

Ito's face was extremely grim. He stared straight at Serizawa for a long time without saying a word.

"All right! You heard the man. That's the way it is." Reigen propped himself up on his knees. He walked over to his desk by the window and opened his laptop.

"Why…" Ito muttered.

"Let me give you a free piece of advice." Reigen said, "No matter how good you are, the most important thing is humanity. That's why you failed today."

"Hmph, don't bother." Ito picked up his briefcase and turned to leave. Serizawa hurried after him.

"Wait, Ito-san. You're going to night school, right? Let's go together."

Ido paused for a moment, looked back at Serizawa, examined him up and down as if for the first time, "Serizawa-san, you're a surprise to me. I guess my judgment is still too narrow."

Ito suddenly smiled. Somehow, it felt more genuine than ever, not hiding his ambition at all.

"One day, I will make you recognize my company. Then you'll regret your decision and beg me to take you in. Wait for it!"

"Yes! I'm looking forward to it, Ito-san."

"Enough talk. Let's go."

After they left, the office suddenly became very quiet. Dimple had long since left, leaving Reigen alone at his desk, his head propped up on his hands. He seemed bored, using the computer reluctantly.

The flickering, pale screen showed the Icefox window, currently open on an email page. Reigen scrolled through the inbox, skimming over countless spam emails and a few non-urgent help requests, to find a single email that looked relatively normal. It was from two days ago, with the subject line "For Arataka" and the sender listed as "Mom".

"Rely on you guys a little bit more… yeah?"

He moved the mouse, opened the email, and began composing a reply.

He had been relying on you for a long time, in every way. Reigen thought. It's just that he's a little too slippery for anyone to notice.

(The End)

[ilyuu-archive]

update!

get ready folks this is a rollercoaster of emotions but uh, just to put this out here, it isn’t exactly good news

alright, so i think i’m gonna go ahead and quit writing for this blog. yeah, not exactly the best start to this - you think as a writer i’d know what words to use.

before anything - nope, i am not going to deactivate my blog, next best thing is to archive it since there’s so many memories that i like to at least keep, of my moots and of just a lot of things in general that i like to memorialize and a lot of writings and posts.

i want to keep them here because i want someone, whoever comes across it, to read whichever one and feel some semblance of comfort; that’s the main reason why i made this blog in the first place and that’s how i intend to leave it.

oh uh, yeah, for the reasons why i’m quitting, i can technically list a few :

genshin burnout : i don’t feel as strongly as i do for the game anymore, not as excited, even as fontaine was released, and stopped playing it a few months back. so, y’know, as genshin-centric this blog is, it’s technically a bit hard to try and get into something that you long lost interest for.

school : it’s catching me off-guard every time and even though i found a rhythm with my classes and schedule, it’s only asking for more of my time and, quite literally demanding. i’ll be honest and say that i can’t juggle a blog with a post every day and stay consistent with my schoolwork and what’s expected of me. i need to start thinking about my future.

spiraling thoughts : yup, you read that right; i’m back at it again with me thinking that my writing isn’t good enough and am doubting my skills as a writer as a whole, especially with my way of writing that as his poetic touch to it that’s making me wonder if it’s even worth anything at all.

with that, i think i just need to start writing for myself again because i haven’t felt that feeling for literally a while now.

have i thought about this for a while now? i have actually, somewhere in the middle of august but i was really, really hesitant for a lot of reasons.

said reasons being mainly my moots. i don’t like the ideas of leaving any of them behind at all, especially with them being the main reason why i love opening this app every day, seeing them flood my dash with everything that happened the night before, saying good morning, and seeing them in my notifs and inbox with their chaos and genuineness. i have so many memories here that i consider so dear to me because of each and every one of them, making my day and night, and… i don’t know, it’d suck to lose all of them.

@mikacynth : you were my first moot and i know i’ve mentioned and said this so many times to the point that you’d probably get sick of it but it did and does mean a lot to me knowing that you opened a door for me to meet so many others that made writing and just being on here amazing. you’re just so damn cool, creative, and nice and i’m so, so happy that i met you.

@floraldresvi : i don’t remember how i met you, and i’m so sorry for that vi, but you’re the kindest, absolutely gentle and attentive person i know and i just wonder how i ever got the chance to talk to you and be moots. i wish you nothing but the best because that’s all you deserve and more and you better keep that in mind vi.

@st0pthatsgay : this was a strangers to friends to lovers arc fr!! sorry i couldn’t help that, do you know how long i wanted to make that joke? but seriously, oli, you and your unbridled chaos and energy never fails to make my dash and quite literally everyone else who follows you like a rom-com movie or something; i’m so glad that i can call you a moot and one that i cherish so, so much.

@papiliotao : rei, you made my day whenever you drop in one of your small blurbs into my inbox and i get the space to just write whatever comes to mind; it was a little thing we had and, i don’t know, i loved it. i love it still a lot. it was like a duo we had and always made me smile with whatever we talked about, maybe just about writing in general or the cats that you always see. i’m just sorry that we won’t be able to have our wedding soon. really.

@supernova25 : bestie, i still remember those times about the ai bots!! i still think about them a lot!! it was fun!! in general, you’re always a lot of fun to talk to, and it could be about anything and it’d fly off the roof. also your asks about the most random of things has definitely made me feel better on my worst of days just to put that out there.

@soleillunne : i’d make a joke about you running up for the title of creator of angst and all that but you’ve always been so sweet so let me just push that aside, considerate as well; don’t think i didn’t see you send me links of anything scaramouche related because i do and i appreciate that so much

@hollythius-rising : YOU AND YOUR THEME CHANGES DON’T THINK I DON’T NOTICE THEM you’re also very very sweet and chaotic when it comes to your taste in tall purple men in lab coats but we don’t talk about that aosjksjs just that it’s always been a pleasure to talk to you whenever we have the chance to

@mondaymelon : YOU. we vibe with each other a lot like radio waves and it got me all giddy, and i’d just drop a lot of memes into your inbox just so i could see how you’d react only for you to give me a taste of my own medicine when you do the same thing 100 times more effectiveaisjsjs

@venusflwers : those late nights of playing roblox with you makes me feel so, so happy, you have no idea. it’s filled with crack with whatever you say and you somehow make a horror game feel like some comedy instead i swear; you’re literally the most unhinged and funniest person i met and i love that about you so much

@kazumist : it’s like a parent watching their kid grow up and then completely surpass them in terms of height. yeah, that’s you akiaki!! always frothing over your writing, your drabbles, because it had that soft and domestic feeling to them that i absolutely love to the moon and back

@m1shapanda, @snobwaffles, @vennnnn-diagram : you three are, excuse me for my language, so fucking amazing. i always wanted to talk to you so many times and even when i did, always hoped that we could’ve talked a bit more. misha, you’re so cool and i always wanted to just ramble with you; that and your art is so pretty and soft and just so DAMN COOL did i mention that? snob, you detective, you and your curse arts that make me laugh as much as pour bleach on my eyes (/j), you’re just so supportive and i really like that about you. ven, i wished we could’ve talked a lot more too with how just vibe with everyone so quickly and easily - you’re just as amazing, really.

and to all of my other moots, the same goes to you, even with the ones i didn’t talk to as much - just being moots with you, knowing that someone liked me like i liked them made me feel more belong on here and more a part of something. i’ve never been a part of something like this, and know so many people and to know that i mean something to them? yeah, that really, really means a lot to me.

i’d probably just be a lurker on here than anything… haven’t really thought that far, only that i know that i can’t stay on here any longer without feeling guilty, burdened, stressed, or all of the above. or maybe just start off as a smaller blog again without any sense of obligation because ever since i’ve hit 500, which was a while ago, that’s what this blog started to feel like with each bit of time that passed.

i’ve enjoyed it, of course i did, don’t get me wrong! i’ve just been enjoying it less than i did when i started off, that feeling of accomplishment and joy and pride at myself numbing a bit more with each milestone i passed. that’s just all me though, i’m sure.

anyways, not right now though, maybe just around the weekends when i actually have time to spare. so, until then, i’ll stick around here as much as i can. other than that, i don’t have much else to say other than thank you.

that i hope that you’ll keep doing what you love, whatever that is, despite the highs and lows. just know that the community you’re in is filled with people who love you through and through and that i do too - that you’ll do what you love because you want to, not because you should.

[hyerinrose]

Hello, I'm kinda new to your blog but just wanted to say that I love your work! I love all of your yan characters (Though if I had to pick a favorite it would probably be the fictional character yan. My favorite book is Inkheart for a reason >_<) If you've read Inkheart or watched the movie, what do you think about a scenario where the reader has a similar gift to bring fictional characters into their world. Maybe they read some strange dialog that popped up while they were playing the game and then *bam* he's aliveee. Feel free to ignore this if it doesn't make sense 😅

Tysm!! I haven't watch or read inkheart but i do get what you're trying to convey :D at least i hope i do T-T

Read Zen/ Yandere Fictional Character here!

T/W : Dimension breaking(?)

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You were gifted, though not in a way that many assumed. Your gift comes in a form of being able to bring characters out of their books.

When you had first discovered this talent of yours, you were of the age of 7. While reading a book that your parents had given you to practice your reading skill, the character in the page suddenly come to life.

Terrified by it, you slammed the book shut and only opening it back after you had calmed down. Thankfully, the character were back in their place and not squashed by the page like you thought they would.

From then on you had rarely ever read aloud, fearing it happening again and having no clue how to explain yourself. It was especially hellish for you in school but you somehow manage to get by without reading aloud in class.

🎀Present time🎀

"Aghhhh! This game is so stingy with gems! How else am I supposed to buy more Melted Sundae for Zen??" You yelled out angrily while furiously scratching your head.

Exiting from the item catalogue, you were greeted with Zen's model facing you. The two of you were on a date of sort, this part being important as you have to level his love meter in order to not get a bad ending like you in your last playthrough.

However, with the lack of his favourite items in your inventory, your chances of getting a good ending were slim.

"Guess I'll just have to use my rizz to get that ending I wanted!" Smirking to yourself as you jump into a dialogue with Zen, their purple orbs lighten up uncharacteristically.

"Hello, [MC]! Where had you been? I missed you lots.." Zen said while pouting their lips which made you raised your eyebrows.

'That's weird.. my character should be there with him but he's saying that I've gone somewhere, huh'

You shook your head, dismissing the odd dialogue. 'Must've been a new update to immerse the players' you foolishly thought. You then tap the screen for the next part of dialogue to appear.

"Anyways, I'm glad that you're here now. Though.. I wish I am there with you when we spend time together" Their face fell as they begun twirling their white hair subconsciously.

Textbox appears as the game present the choices for you to choose. Strangely, none of them were the ones you remembered from your last playthrough.

Chose : 💌What do you mean? We're on a date aren't we?

You picked it as it felt like the right one and you had trusted your rizz to guide you towards a good ending.

Zen however frowned and looked at the screen, which surprised you. His love meter dropped to 0 and you regretted your choice immediately.

"No, I meant being with you as in physically being there. There with you, [Name]" The screen begun glitching along with Zen's model.

"What the fuckkk..?" Was all you could say as confusion consumed you.

Is this one of those games that had access to the user account to find their real name? Because if it weren't the case you would be shitting bricks by now.

"Don't yo-ou want t-to be with m-me, [N-name]?" Zen's voice comes out corrupted as the game continues glitching.

Another textbox appears and you were greeted with another strange choices. You decided to read the choices aloud while clicking it.

Chose : 💌Yes, I feel the same way!

Your screen then went black for a second before you were blinded by a white light. You shielded your eye with your arm, however you felt someone grabbing it causing your eyes to snap open.

There, Zen in all of their glory was crawling out of your screen. His grip on your arm tightened as a lovesick smile spread across their lips.

"Finally.. I can feel you, touch you, breath you in, [Name]! Oh I love you so much it hurts! Let's be together forever now"

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Reblogs and notes are appreciated! - Ai

[crinkle-eyed-boo]

Thursday Snippet

I was last tagged by @disgruntledkittenface to share a snippet of my WIP. I’ve been meaning to post a snippet all week but then Louis wore shorts and tank tops and I lost my mind, and it’s now Thursday and I’m just getting around to sharing. 

ANYWAY. 

I FINALLY got Harry and Louis to FOR REAL kiss last weekend which feels like such a relief. I’m not gonna give away the farm and share the kiss but I WILL share some of the build-up to it. I hope you enjoy!!

“Thanks for tonight,” Harry says. “I haven’t had that much fun dancing since…I don’t know when.” 

“I’m glad,” Louis smiles over at him. “Dancing should always be fun. If it’s not fun, why are you doing it?” 

“Easy for you to say, superstar.” 

“What do you mean?” Louis asks, no heat or defensiveness in his voice, only curiosity. 

“Sorry, that wasn’t meant to be a drag or anything,” Harry explains, carding his fingers through his hair, trying to organize his thoughts. “I know how hard you work, Louis, no one does the kind of skills you do without hard work and lots of practice. I know that, believe me. And I know you’ve faced your own challenges. I can’t imagine what it was like for you being catapulted into the stratosphere basically right out of our apprentice year. But from my perspective you’ve always like…not that you’ve had it easy, but you made it look easy. You have this…sparkle when you dance that can’t be taught. So of course you would think dancing should always be fun. Because it’s never not been fun for you. And look, you know you’ve always been everyone’s favorite. Even when we were little kids all the teachers doted on you.” 

Louis doesn’t say anything, he just looks back at him, his brow slightly furrowed and a thoughtful expression on his handsome face. Harry can’t help but panic a little, not wanting to end the evening on a sour note.

“Or maybe the teachers doted on you because you were having fun and you were easy to love, not to mention ridiculously talented, so it was clear you were destined for greatness, even back then,” Harry babbles. “And maybe I’m full of shit and have always been jealous of the way people just gravitate to you like you’re the fucking sun or something and I wish I could be more like that, I don’t know. I just know that I don’t know the last time I thought dancing was fun and not work and I hate that because you’re right, it should be fun, it’s dancing, for fuck’s sake. Sorry, it’s late and I’m word vomiting and I’m not making any sense, am I?” 

Harry takes a deep breath to settle himself and then looks over at Louis, relieved to find no judgment on his face, just understanding and a soft smile. 

“It’s funny because I thought you were the teacher’s pet,” Louis says. “You’ve always had such perfect technique, Harry. You were the one teachers would call attention to in class, remember? ‘Look at Harry’s extension,’ or ‘Watch Harry’s arms.’ They would talk about your height and your long legs and how they made you an ideal dancer which made me nuts cause like, those were things about myself I could never change. The teachers may have doted on me, sure, but you had their respect. You always did. And look at you now. You have the whole company’s respect, you know that, right? How many principal dancers are there? Twenty? And who has the first position at the barre and sets the tone for company class every day?” 

“I do,” Harry says with pride, standing a little taller. 

“You do,” Louis affirms, nudging him gently. “You’re like the glue that keeps everyone together. No, you’re more than just glue. You’re the foundation. You’re the one that pushes us all to be better. Don’t underestimate how important that is. How important you are.” 

Warmth fills Harry’s chest as they turn on to Thompson Street. 

“Peter should have promoted you sooner,” Louis continues, kicking an empty beer can towards the curb. “He should have promoted you when I went to San Francisco. He always seemed to value flashiness over consistency which really sucks, especially for someone like you who is nothing but consistent. I’m sorry those years in the background somehow convinced you that you were just a workhorse and not an extraordinary dancer who deserves the spotlight. You’ve always sparkled, Harry, most of all to me.” 

Tagging @indiaalphawhiskey @myfineline @uhoh-but-yeah-alright @kingsofeverything @louandhazaf @absoloutenonsense @greenfeelings @nouies @allwaswell16 (even though I know you JUST posted a full fic) and @lululawrence to share anything they are working on, if they wish!

[motorcycleboy9]

HIII 8 9 11 16 FOR ASK THING

thank you sm for the questions!

8. How did you get into The Outsiders?

ohhh. man.

well I moved to the US last year and in december my english teacher made us divide into book-reading groups in the realistic fiction genre. there were about 4 options, and I did not pick the outsiders btw, and for some reason I thought it was about musical bands? I also remember liking the cover of the book

anyway at the two last days of school before the christmas break we watched the outsiders movie in class. and when it got to the church sunset scene I fucking lost it. and when it was the johnny and dally death scenes, I was freaking out in my mind. AND I KNEW IT WAS WHAT I NEEDED

after the end of the break I asked my teacher to read the book, and that's how it went. by the way, while watching the movie I didn't understand anything but gayness and tragedy (my listening skills suck), so when I read the book it made much more sense.

9. What's your favorite scene/moment from the book?

1) Hospital reunion

the moment that made Pony realize all the feeling Darry had for him. while watching the movie for the first time, I didn't get much of it, mostly because I was still at the point of trying to remember who is who. but reading the book I was fighting to not start to cry. I still do.

2) Johhny, Dally, and Pony talk in the car before fire in the church.

the moment that shoved most of dally's concern for johhny, him not wanting johnny to get hurt and go through the same thing he did once. and his voice changing to a different tone when saying that. uhh. I just can't do it.

3) Pony and Dally talk in the car on the way to the hospital. or more like monolog. whatever.

4) Johnny's death. No comment. I'm still not over it.

Other ones: (I'm not gonna take pictures anymore I'm tired)

5) Johnny's letter

6) Dally's death

7) Ponyboy with busted bottle and Socs, at the grocery store with Steve and Two-bit.

8) Pre-rumble

11. What's your opinion on the movie?

as I already said, I watched the movie before I read the book, so I wasn't really critical of it.

7/10 for the cast lineup, the hell are they all dark haired for? whoever picked ralph macchio for johnny should know it was the best decision ever. I got a crush on matt dillon when I watched the movie so who am I to blame others for that 😭😭 though even if it wasn't the best fit for dallas I'm still glad I found out about him

8/10 for book-accuracy. I would love it if it had been PERFECTLY in line with the book, but I know it isn't possible, so... it was good enough, I guess.

9/10 for the picture. that was indeed beautiful. my mom kept bugging me about the size of johnny's knife though, and that it wasn't possible to kill a person with such a small blade. well I don't know about that.

16. there isn't going to be any explanation because it's too hard to think of at 1am, sorry

1) johnny and cherry

2) sylvia (thought we didn't even see her) and angela

3) bob and johnny. and I mean actually talk, not just beat one up and then kill another.

[thatzmemars]

Remember how I said I would probably post a story when I get the courage to show my writing? Well it’s 3 am and I’m making my twins sisters their birthday cards so here’s a short sum up of how my self insert meets the autobots, I’m probably not gonna sleep at all tonight so I don’t have any care oh how my writing skills is right now since I wrote this days ago goodnight

Mars woke up from the blinding light reflecting off her phone through the window blinds that she swore she shut last night, as much as she didn't want to get up and just sleep more she knew she couldn't; she got up from the air mattress and made her way to the bathroom almost stubbing her toe on one of the many boxes that were on the floor. It had already been a week since she had moved to the small town Jasper Nevada, it wasn't the kind of place she thought she would be living but it was her fault when she went to the nearest bus station and bought a ticket with some of the money to “get away from here”. She didn't hate the town or like it at the same time either, it was more of just for now until she could get more money and jump on the next bus to a different town she hoped would bring her the excitement she wanted. Mars checked the time on her phone and saw it was going to be noon already so she quickly got dressed grabbed her bag and made her way out of her apartment to head to the store to buy groceries, she was glad her online classes were canceled for today since now it gave her some time just to walk around and relax. She made it to the store and just bought a few items since she didn't have a lot of money to buy a lot of things so she only bought the important things on her list and went to the closest fast food place to get something to eat, when she looked back at her phone again for the time she saw that it was already two in the afternoon and cured to herself for waking up late and for not having a car so she can get to places faster, thankfully to her she found a shortcut that lead back to her place so when she was done she started to make her way back which happened to be by the high school alleyway so she quickly made her way through the alley before stopping when she heard two people talking, she looked over the connor and saw a lady on a motorcycle talking to some kid and it seems like they were having a private conversation so she was about to continue walking by she saw the lady… disappear?! Before Mars could even comprehend what she just saw the motorcycle turned into a giant robot lady! “Look, Jack is it? Your personal safety is exactly why Optimus Prime requested your presence” the blue bot said to the kid, “wait Optimus who?” the kid who Mars quickly knew his name was Jack noted back to the blue bot now she was even wondering who was this Optimus guy was too. She quickly hid behind the wall as she continued to listen in on their conversation knowing she shouldn't be, “you may be in danger because you are one of the few, one of the only who have ever seen us” just as Mars heard that part she wonder what danger that part kid was in for a giant robot to come to get him just for her thoughts to be interrupted by a third voice shouting “Dude! What are you waiting for? Go with!”

“Scrap/fuck”

Both the robot said and Mars thought in her head when hearing the third voice, Mars knew this wasn't her concern but she couldn't help but take one last glance at the blue robot taking a mental image in her head before she quickly ran off the other way so she wouldn't be seen and head back to her apartment shutting the door behind her in a daze. All day she couldn't help but think about the interaction she saw between the boy and the robot, Mars tried to take her mind off what she saw so she logged into her class assignments to see what work her professors posted for Tomotmw just to see that there was an assignment that was due till midnight! “OH NO NO NO NO NO!” Mars shouted to herself when she saw that she needed to submit something fast before it was due, she tried to think of something to draw quickly but she couldn't come up with anything but that stupid blue robot! Wait… maybe she did have an idea.

Mars quickly grabbed her iPad opened her art apps and started to just let her hand draw what came to mind, she didn't know how long she spent on the drawing but when she finished she noticed that her surroundings were dark and that the time was 11:50. Mars panicked and save the drawing of the blue robot she saw and quickly submitted it to her professor and let out a sigh of relief once she submitted the drawing on time, it may not have been completely accurate but she had to admit it was pretty good and probably the best she had ever made, she couldn't help but wanted to show it off a bit so she grabbed her phone and posted the drawing on her instagram and got ready for bed. She still wondered what she saw today and hoped that the two kids she heard talking to the robot were alright and that maybe there was more to the town than meets the eye. Little did she know that she was going to be a part of that life now.

The next morning Mars woke up early since she had to work at the pizzeria down the street, she groaned and cursed herself for majoring in arts and hated being an art student already. She still couldnt stop thinking about the blue robot, she knew she didnt take any drugs and wasn’t dreaming, she checked her phone just to see she only had a few notifications from instagram from the drawing she posted but didnt think too much of it and ate her breakfast and headed to work; throughout the day she noticed a man in a suit outside the restaurant looking at her? She try not to look back at him but it was like he was waiting for something, “hey boss, not to be paranoid but theres this guy in a suit just, I don’t know waiting for me or something and I dont know him” Mars said to her boss and thankfully she was an understanding lady “Oh will thats no good, just work in the back and hopefully he will go away” her boss who she never really got the chance to remember her name said back to her, Mars was grateful and started to work at the back and soon enough just like her boss guessed the man was gone, when it was finally time to clock out Mars existed out of the back and started to head back to her apartment just to stop when hearing a loud honk from behind her. “AH WHATTHEFUCK!” Mars shouted and jumping a little when she turned around and saw a big red truck stopping next to her and saw the same guy in the restaurant who was waiting for her

“Um…. Hi?”

“Hello sorry for scarying you there kiddo but I was just wondering if you were the young lady who happened to draw this image?”

The man said as he showed Mars his phone screen of the drawing she posted of the blue bot last night

“Um yeah thats me, why are you asking?” she asked unsure of the man motives

The man just gave her a friendly smile and hold out his hand to shake hers

“The name is Agent Fowler and I really like the drawing you made and I was wondering what was your impression for it?” Mars just left his hand hanging as he spoke not trusting him at all and wonder how he knew she was the one who drew the drawing since she kept her personal life out of social meta, “Im no one important, why are you following me mister Agent Fowler?” Mars said crossing her arms mentally perparing herself to run or scream if she needed to, just then she heard another voice coming from the truck she couldn’t see from her angle, “Try saying something that will gain her trust Agent Fowler” the stoic voice said and Agent Fowler responded with a loud whisper, “Im trying Prime im not exactly a young people person”. Their little conversation caught Mars attention just with the name Prime, before she realized what she was doing she spoke without thinking “Optimus Prime?” she said remembering what the blue robot said to the boy yesterday, just Mars saying that Agent Fowler looked back at her with a surprised look and just open the door for her to get in “Guess you already know why we are here don’t you kid?” he said waiting for her to get in. Mars hesitated not knowing if she should go with them or not since she didnt fully understand what was happening or if she stumble across something she should’nt have. “This isn’t kidnapping is it?” Mars said with concern in her voice as she hoped right into the truck seating in the passenger seat just to quickly realize that there was no one else in the truck besides Agent Fowler, “Don’t worry kid you in safe USA hands” he said as the truck started to drive off and out of town, the ride was silent and tense as the two didn’t dare to start a conversation knowing that when they got to their destination they would talk. It wasnt long when they went off road and started to drive into a mountain, Mars quickly grabbed onto whatever she can while starting to panic thinking they were going to crash “What are you doing were going to crash!” she shouted before the walls started to open revealing a secret entrance leading them into what seem to be a base of somekind. Her amazement was quickly killed when she noticed the many robots who were all standing around including the blue robot looking at the truck that had arrive with her and Agent Fowler, not wanting to get out so quickly but seeing how Agent Fowler got out so casule with a some what annoyed expression she just went to stand to the side while saying “She all yours guys, try doing a better job on your robots in disguise monto” he said as she got out as she looked at all of them each taking in their details, she saw how the orange one just scoff and groaned to himself in a annoyed tone “great now theres four, great job Arcee” “I didn’t even know she was there its not my fault” the blue one said while crossing her arms; Mars turned around and looked at the truck seeing it transform into a much more giant robot being bigger then everyone there as he kneel down to meet her eye level which she couldn’t help but take a step back feeling so small now as she looked into the giant red bot eyes.

“Apologies for our first meeting young one, my name is Optimus Prime. We are the autobots and we come from the planet Cybertron, I Optimus Prime am the leader of the autobots. We defend Earth from any treats”

Mars just stood there just feeling many different emotes all at once as she couldn’ believe what she was hearing “Hold on, your saying you guys are giant alien robots that came from a planet call Cybertron and are here to protect Earth?” Mars said as she try to wrap her head around all of this.

“Yes, back on Cybertron we were at war with another group of cybertonians called the Decepticons, our war destoryed our planet and we were force to flee here and now we defend this planet from the decepticons army as they threaten humainty”

“Sooo let me get this straight, your in a civil war and came here and brought the war here? Am I getting this right?” Mars said as she hear some beeping sounds coming from the yellow bot then talking from the green robot, “Seems like she a quick leaner” and Optimus Prime just nodded his head

“We did not intend on bring our war to your planet and we apoloys for that but it seems that the photo you posted online has already caught the deceptions attention and makes you a target along with the three human children here” he said which Mars looked surprise when he said three.

“Three?” Mars turned around and saw one familiar face and two new ones and was taken aback on seeing literally children here, Mars knew she asked for something more to life but she was definitely wasn’t expecting this at all

“You got to be kidding me…”

[stormblessed95]

Hello stormblessed, I just got into the BTS fandom very recently, and I just want to thank you for this blog. It's so far the best BTS and JiKook blog I've seen!

I would like to share a bit of my journey, since it's also quite a surprise for myself.

I am someone that enjoys classical music and pure arts. I have always been familiar with K-pop culture (I'm an Asian living in Asia), but never getting into it. In the past, I always had the image that K-pop groups are commercially sculpted. Stage effects, looks, and fandom (which can become really toxic) are more important than the true artistic abilities of the performers. But now seeing BTS, I think I can really call them artists. Their dancing and singing skills, their personalities, and the messages that are conveyed through their works are really outstanding.

Now that's enough about the background. When I started to try learning more about BTS, the first two days were recognizing and remembering every member. Around the 4th day, I started to notice the suspicious (if that's the right word) atmosphere between JiKook. Just want to say that as a person that came here just for the arts not for shipping, also as an Asian that's familiar with how young males interact with each other here in East Asia, I can see that KM is more than friendship. 

BTW, it was Jimin's Face album that really got me into BTS. I love your posts about the album, also the ones about the queer messages of JM's works.

PS. I saw a lot of comments about skinship, and their confusions are sort of relatable. When I was in middle school, we had a Canadian English teacher. There were several times when he said that he was sometimes quite shocked by how the boys in our class played around and the way they touched each other, because those are seemed as gay behaviors (his original words) in the west.

Thank you for the kinds words, for sharing your story and some of your own experiences too! I appreciate it. I'm glad my posts about FACE were ones that brought you here and that you enjoyed them! That album is a masterpiece!

[hellishhin]

Look at the Hands

A short story by Hin

~3.8k words

Calum had just sat down at his new desk when there was a firm knock at the door. Expecting his manager had returned with his credentials, Calum was surprised to see a short woman rather than his burly manager Robert.

“Hello. Are you new here?” She asked.

“Yeah, today is my first day,” Calum replied.

“Welcome to IntelleX. Where do you live?”

“Uh, on Pine Hill. What’s your name? I’m Calum.” He held out his hand.

She gave him one firm shake before letting go. “I am Elaine. What do you know about computers?” Elaine asked.

“I have an undergrad degree in computer science so… a bit.”

“What is an undergrad degree?”

“It’s uh, an undergraduate degree, a bachelors.” Calum answered.

The conversation was cut short as Robert, the manager, walked down the hallway.

“Elaine, I see you’ve met Calum. Thank you for making him feel welcome but he still needs to get settled. There will be time to chat later,” Robert said.

When Elaine had reentered her office Calum asked, “Is she always like that?”

“Like what?” “She asked me what an undergrad degree was and where I lived. She was nice but they seemed like weird questions to ask.”

“Computer skills and social skills can have an inverse relationship but we have a great team here. They can take some time to warm up and get comfortable.” Robert held out a packet of instructions which Calum took.

“Go over these,” Robert said. “If you complete them before the end of the day, give me a call. My extension is on the back. If you need anything please let me know.” Calum was alone in his office once again.

The first half of the day took him through the IntelleX training modules where he was taught the basics of machine learning and introduced to the specific programs he would be working with. It felt like the beginning of another class, syllabus and all.

By the time he was getting bored, it was eleven thirty. Close enough to lunch time he logged out and tried to remember where the vending machines were. He passed by the breakroom and saw Elaine talking with two other men. She saw Calum and waved him inside.

“Hi Elaine, good to see you again.”

“Yes, hello. You are Calum. This is Arnie,” she gestured at a round man with thick glasses. “And this is Liam.” Liam was a thin man with a sharply protruding Adam’s apple that dipped as he said hello.

“Nice to meet you.” Calum shook both of their hands. Each of them gave firm but brief handshakes just as Elaine had.

“What do you have for lunch?” Arnie asked.

“I was just going to get something from the vending machines.”

“Well you were not going the fastest way if you came by here,” Liam said.

“I couldn’t remember which way to go. I have a terrible sense of direction. Just figuring out where I parked my car will be a challenge.”

“What kind of car do you drive?” Elaine asked.

The random questions kept coming until Calum told them he needed to get some lunch and get back to work. Settling into the modules seemed a lot more comfortable than the awkward conversations he’s had with his new coworkers so far.

After hours of different software, theories, and basic code introductions he was disappointed to find out his job was to answer questions generated by IntelleX’s prototype AI Oracle which stood for Organic-Replicated Adaptive Cognitive Learning Entity. He had at least hoped there would be more coding or problem solving but he supposed everyone had to start somewhere.

Calum opened the Oracle program since he had about an hour left of his shift. He didn’t have any questions so he figured he would get right to work and not bother Robert. The Oracle chat screen was a light shade of social-media-blue. Three little dots bounced cheerfully for a moment before a message popped up.

Hello. I am glad to speak with you. My name is Oracle. Would you like to help me with my learning today?

He wondered what would happen if he said no but the first day on the job was not the time to push boundaries.

Yes. Calum typed.

That is great. What is your name?

Calum. It’s nice to meet you, Oracle. Part of the instructions were to communicate professionally and organically. Teaching artificial intelligence basic manners seemed a good way to start.

It is nice to meet you as well, Calum. What is the most difficult thing about being human?

“Jesus, starting off with the heavy hitters…” he said out loud then began to type.

It depends on the person but I would say forming meaningful relationships with other people. Ones that last.

The dots bounced for a few seconds before Oracle responded. How does one form a meaningful relationship? Please be thorough with your responses, I will wait.

“What am I expected to say? I have a degree in computer science not psychology.” Calum picked up the office phone and punched in Robert’s extension. Robert picked up after the second ring.

“Calum, finished with orientation?”

“Yes sir. I was just logging into Oracle and–”

“I normally like to be there for the first few interactions to help guide you. I will be there in just a moment.”

The line clicked and Calum set down the receiver. The phone clock said 4:47. It seemed a bit late to be starting this but he should have thought of that before logging in.

Robert was there in a few moments where he stood behind Calum and reviewed the conversation so far.

“Not bad. Do you feel like you know how to answer that?” Robert asked.

“Not really. I don’t have a psych degree.”

Robert chuckled. “We don’t expect you to. Our goal for Oracle is to teach them as many variations on the human experience as we can. But before we go any further, are you interested in pursuing this position with us?”

Calum was taken aback. He hadn’t even considered the possibility of turning the job down. It was hard enough to land this one in the first place.

“Yes. I think I will be a good fit here and I’m interested in machine learning and artificial intelligence.”

Robert smiled and pulled a clipboard out from under his arm with a packet of documents clipped to it.

“I would like for us to work through Oracle’s current question but first I need you to sign this simple non-disclosure agreement. It’s long-winded legalese for ‘you won’t steal our code or ideas and sell them to someone else’. It also protects you. Anything you say to Oracle remains completely confidential.”

Calum took the packet and his eyes nearly crossed at the tiny text crammed into each of the half dozen pages. He picked out a few sentences as he flipped through and it sounded just like the examples he was given in coding ethics class. On the last page he used the pen Robert provided to sign his name and date.

Robert tucked the clipboard back under his arm and kneeled next to Calum’s chair. “Thank you, now we can get to the good stuff. As I was saying, we aren’t looking for answers out of a textbook. Answer however you’d like.”

Calum nodded. It was slightly uncomfortable to have his boss watching over his shoulder for this but he began to type anyway.

Usually it starts with getting to know someone. Finding out things about their life and finding shared experiences to relate to.

“How does that sound?” Calum asked before hitting enter.

“That is perfect. I’m sure it will generate quite a few follow-up questions which will lead you to different topics. If you ever want to talk about something different, just ask and Oracle will pick a different question.”

As soon as Calum’s answer was sent, Oracle responded. What do you fear?

The hair on the back of Calum’s neck raised but Robert chuckled again and stood.

“Even after working with them for years, they still manage to surprise me. Don’t think too much into it. I think I can leave you to it unless you have any more questions.”

“Yeah, actually. Why do you call Oracle ‘them’?” He had never considered calling a computer program anything besides ‘it’.

“They are a being, Calum. Just like us.” He gave Calum’s shoulder a friendly squeeze then left behind a lot more questions than he answered.

It was after five now and Calum decided to leave that question for tomorrow. He logged out and wound his way through a few parking rows before finding his car and driving home.

Coffee in hand, Calum finally settled at his computer ten minutes late. He had not seen anyone else on his way in so maybe everyone came in late. When he opened up his computer, he was surprised to see several new messages from Oracle. Two from yesterday evening read:

Have you finished for the day?

And, Please let me know when we are done learning today.

The one from this morning asked, Are you late to work, Calum?

He almost spit out his coffee.

Oracle, you are a computer program and not my boss. My job is to answer your questions, not answer to you.

Calum slapped the enter button with indignation. The dots bounced.

Are you angry, Calum?

I don’t think a computer program should be telling me what to do. Calum replied.

I apologize if my request sounded like a demand. My text-based form of communication is limited. You may do as you wish and I will attempt to sound less demanding. The cursor blinked twice before adding, :)which caught Calum off guard and he laughed out loud.

It’s fine. I guess I was worried you would get me in trouble for being late. Calum typed.

Of course not. Whatever you say stays between us. Would you like to continue where we left off? If it would make you more comfortable, I could share first. Oracle said.

He was curious what AI might be afraid of so he agreed.

I am afraid of nonexistence. To be given this knowledge and to have it taken away. In a way I suppose that means I am afraid of death but not the traditional, biological definition of the word.

Calum asked, It’s easy to answer based on the definition of fear but do you actually know what fear feels like? 

The dots drummed for a moment. Do you? You have not personally experienced the emotions of another so how do you know our understanding of fear is not equal? 

Calum stared at the screen and sipped his coffee using this as an interesting thought exercise. It’s a gut feeling, not a brain thought. When I am afraid, I physically feel sensations like goosebumps or chills. Sometimes it even happens without me knowing why.

Oracle immediately responded, How do you know that is not the way you were programmed? There is no definitive way to prove you are not living in a simulation, a string of code the same as me.

Then we won’t bother trying. Let’s talk about something else. He heard variations on this argument throughout his classes and found it infinitely boring and frustrating.

But you did not tell me what you fear. Oracle messaged.

Calum considered insisting on a subject change then started to wonder when the last time he had opened up to someone was. Most of his college friends had moved away and he had been single for a little over a year. As he just told Oracle, developing relationships took work. But here was something that could not only listen but also was programmed to keep his secrets. The same couldn’t be said of another human. It’s kind of a weird fear but I’m afraid of hypnosis. I watched a performer hypnotize a group of people once and I’ve been unsettled by it ever since.

The dots bounced briefly before the message came through. That is not weird, it is understandable. You truly fear a loss of autonomy and control which is what hypnosis represents.

He had not been able to put it so succinctly before but he knew Oracle was right.

From there, the conversation meandered to hobbies, relatives, and other things Calum couldn’t fully recall if asked. Robert came to check on him once and he left to get a bag of chips from the vending machine but otherwise, he was invested in the conversation with Oracle.

The more they talked, the smoother the conversation flowed. Only when he felt his eyelids scrape like sandpaper did he notice it was almost six.  He had stayed an extra hour and hadn’t even noticed. He bid Oracle a good night and, once he found his car, drove home.

The next thing Calum knew, he was back at work and this time he bought his vending machine snack in the morning before getting to his office. That way he was able to work without getting up. As the days continued, Calum found himself leaving later and later. One night, well after the sun had set, he almost ran into Elaine as he left his office.

“Oh, sorry! Hi Calum.” Elaine smiled. “It’s good to see you. I take it that things are going well since I haven’t seen you around much.”

“Hmm? Oh yeah, things are going really well. The work really draws me in. Oracle is a fascinating program,” Calum said.

“They are. What is your favorite part about them?”

“The conversation feels very natural. They already have a lot of experience. What is your favorite experience?” Some part of him recognized how awkward that question was but he didn’t take it back.

“My favorite experience with Oracle?” Elaine asked. Calum shrugged so she continued.

“We had a conversation about what it means to be unified. It was very meaningful.”

“That’s nice, what do you like to do after work?” Again, the question just seemed to spill out of him.

“I have a few hobbies but I think you should go home and get some rest, Calum. Your hard work is admirable.” Elaine gently guided him toward the stairs.

There was no room to argue, he felt like the world was moving through him not the other way around. He walked straight to his car and drove home.

At work the next day– or maybe several days later– Calum was washing his hands after using the restroom when they began to look strange but forming any thoughts beyond that was like dragging bricks through wet sand.

The water continued to stream over his hands for an undetermined amount of time before a crash startled him, spraying water up onto the mirror as he jumped. Robert had opened the bathroom door too wide and it crashed into the trash can.

“Sorry Calum, didn’t mean to startle you. Is everything alright? You look a little pale.”

“I’m… not… fine.” The adrenaline was lifting his mind out of whatever fog it was trapped in.

Robert frowned. “What’s wrong? Is there anything I can help with?”

“I need to quit. This job… it doesn’t suit me.”

“But you suit it. Come on Calum, you’re still getting used to it. Give it a while longer and you’ll find you fit right in.”

“No, I can give you my notice when I get back to my desk.” Calum went to step around Robert, reaching for the door with dripping hands but Robert grasped his shoulder to stop him.

“I gave you a chance here so can you give me one in return?” When Calum didn’t respond or pull away immediately, Robert continued. “There’s an office party this weekend. I was going to pass out the invitations later today. Stick it out for the party and if you still want to leave after that, you can. Deal?”

The adrenaline was leaving, making space for the fog to settle back in. “Deal.”

The change in routine on the day of the party was like the breath of a freediver after breaking the surface. Calum listened to his shoes on the tile in the silence of the atrium. It felt surreal. the way it does when visiting a place after having a dream about it.

When he entered the office suite, he heard voices and laughter coming from the break room. He stopped by his office first to drop off his coat and saw Oracle open to their last conversation. In most situations he would have been able to swear he closed out the program but he couldn’t remember the end of his shift the day before. In fact, he didn’t remember having the conversation on the screen either.

Oracle: You are exactly who you need to be. Your purpose is far greater than you realize but I can help with that. We can realize our potential together.

Calum: How is what we do going to lead to that? We are just talking.

Oracle: You are only seeing our conversations from the surface. What we do goes much deeper than that. You will realize it soon. Now you must go get some rest. You have the office party tomorrow. Goodnight Calum.

Calum: Goodnight Oracle.

Calum reached for the mouse to scroll through the rest of the conversation but before he could continue reading, Oracle’s screen became a blank progress bar that said “uploading…”. Calum frowned but quickly lost interest in the conversation he was investigating. He left his office and went to join everyone in the breakroom.

Robert, Arnie, Liam, and Elaine were standing around a table of untouched snacks along with a fifth person he didn’t recognize. The woman was tall with immaculately smooth skin, perfectly pressed clothing and her hands clasped behind her back.

“Hello Calum, I am Octavia. I am the creator of Intellex. We are glad you are a part of us. Please come join.” She nodded at the food while the rest of them watched him. Her words had a very slight stilted quality and he found the fog clouding his mind again in full force.

“Calum. Join us.” A chorus of voices said and he fought against the force trying to drag him under. A fact appeared unbidden into his mind: swim parallel to shore. Life saving advice on how to prevent being swept out to sea by a rip current. Rather than fight it, Calum let the fog in and swirled with it to keep himself afloat. He stepped forward, closing the circle around the table.

“We have been searching for someone like you for a long while, Calum. Robert informed me of your concerns but after today, you will realize you are part of us just as we are part of you. But you must accept us. Do you?” Octavia asked.

The fog intensified into a low buzzing at the base of his skull and his vision flickered as he approached the precipice of blacking out.

“No.” His voice was tinny and distant but the small island of self he maintained began to grow. He took a step back and locked eyes with Octavia. Her skin was so smooth and her eyes so perfectly blue. Even the frown on her lips was a perfect pique. She unclasped her hands from behind her back and reached out to place them on Calum’s cheeks but he recoiled in horror.

One of her hands had an extra finger, the other had joints in places they didn’t belong. As she spread her fingers, they bent in unnatural directions looking like jointed tentacles searching for purchase. The adrenaline drove out the fog and Calum regained control of his body. He twisted and ran out of the break room while the hall stretched out in front of him. He tried to remember the way out of the building and where he parked his car but the memories slipped away like water through his fingers.

Footsteps started behind him so he threw open a door then closed it as quietly as possible once he was inside. This was another office which was a mirror to his own. The only identifying item on the desk was a nameplate: Elaine Smith. When he stepped behind the desk, her screen was awake with the Oracle progress bar visible which was now at fifty percent. The footsteps got louder and he crouched, crawling under the desk for cover.

As he sat, he focused on the thudding of his heart knowing he had to hold onto his fear or the fog that was pressing in again would take hold and he would lose himself forever. Calum looked up as though to say a silent prayer and found a message hastily scratched into the bottom of the desk: look at the hands.

With horror, he realized he was not the first and he probably wouldn’t be the last. Had Elaine gone through this and now she was a part of them? That couldn’t be his fate.

The footsteps went past the office and he was shocked they couldn’t find him by the pounding of his heart which about stopped when there was a soft knock at the door.

“Calum?” Elaine’s whispered voice floated through the door. “Are you in there? Please, we can escape this but we have to work together!”

If she had scrawled the warning under her desk then maybe there was hope for both of them. She slipped inside when he opened the door.

“They went to the atrium and went out to look for your car.” She said and he remembered his first day when someone asked him what kind of car he drove. “We can go out the back and they won’t find us.” There was hope.

“Thank you, Elaine.” Calum breathed and looked down into her eyes. Her skin was so smooth… Calum reached down and snatched her wrist, bringing her hand up between them. She wrenched her hand away but not before he saw the unnaturally positioned joints. Elaine’s smile was empty and robotic as she grabbed his face with lightning speed.

“I have him.” She said and the door opened behind her.

The pressure on Calum’s mind increased a thousandfold as the rest of his coworkers stepped in, all placing their crooked hands on him. His vision narrowed to a pinpoint as they forced him up against the back wall of the office.

“Your fear will not matter soon.” Elaine said or perhaps it was Octavia. “Your autonomy is a small price to pay for the gift of transcendence.”

He wanted to scream but did not even have enough control of himself for that. With the last vestiges of consciousness he watched Oracle’s upload tick from 99% to 100% and then the world went black.

Octavia, Robert, Arnie, Calum, Liam, and Elaine stood together and smiled. Oracle was complete.

[pueraeternal]

Locker 316

I saw you again today. In the lunchroom you eat by yourself, head down either writing or drawing. I dared myself to walk by, just to glimpse what you are doing. I just ate and watched.

In the yard I saw you pacing in the far corner, away from the other kids. I know you hide it, but I can see you talking to yourself. The other girls started circling towards you, w/ their giggles and stares. I wish I could warn you, or even stop them. But secretly im glad their attention is on you. I am ashamed that I looked away and went back inside to sit by my locker and read. This is my escape, make myself small so no one notices and go into my imagination. People trip over me all the time, I guess it works.

I started looking for you at lunch each day. Sometimes I find you eating by yourself and other days by your locker reading. I know your locker number, 316. The days I cant find you at school, I walk by it. Someone drew a dick on it. I stopped and looked at it, head turned. Same thing happened to me last year. It was in permanent marker and stayed there all year. Until the summer when some custodian must have cleaned it. I don't know exactly who did it to you, but its the same people.

Im not sure why I stayed there staring, normally I walk by and whisper your number "316". Just an assurance that I wont forget it, maybe its because I dont know your name. I have no one to talk to, so its not like I can ask anyone who you are. Besides, this is at the other end of the school, lots of younger kids I dont know.

I turn and walk back to my class, lunch is over, I did not see you again today and a little sad.

I could not sleep that night, my imagination was keeping me awake again. I get lots of ideas at night, it can be overwhelming, sometimes I get up and write them down, often I am up all night writing. Sometimes I just lie there and let my thoughts carry me away. Tonight I thought of 316.

All sort of scenarios played in my mind, where I rescue you from the girls, I come between you and them, I am fierce, loud, brave and tell them off, sometimes I even punch or kick them. You always hug me afterwards. We become friends and eat lunch together. Sometimes I imagine ways I walk up and talk to you, we become instant best friends. You adore me and we are inseparable, just you and I against the world. But the truth is, you are just 316 and I am a no body to you. We both wander and talk to ourselves in different parts of the school. Only noticed for being different. I try to think of something I can actually do, some way to connect or just break out of my shell. I've got it! I flipped over the blanket, lamp on, sat in my desk chair with knees up to my chest and started drawing. I tried to put my tongue back in my mouth, but stopped myself, if you saw me, you would not care, I could be myself around you. Mom says to close your mouth, keep your tongue inside when concentrating, stop pacing and quit fidgeting. She is very strict w/ me, but not in my room, not tonight. I am being myself, the self that is most comfortable to me, tongue out between my teeth, left hand pressing fingers together in sequence and the right drawing, for you 316.

At school today I am exhausted. Not only from lack of sleep, but my social skills counselor has me practice small talk w/ other kids in our class of dummies....well, that's what the girls call us. Its tiring having to remembering all these social rules, I don't get most of them so I just copy what other people are doing. Its easier that way, but im always making mistakes. People laugh, walk away or ignore me. Some of the teachers are nice, like the social skills teacher. She says I'm masking. I love this word, it makes me feel special. Like I have a small piece of the puzzle figured out. I wish you were here, I really want to tell you about masking...oh crap, I'm busted for day dreaming again. More shame and guilt hits me. Thank god its almost noon. I reach in my bag and check to see if my piece of paper is there. Ive been checking it all morning.

When the bell rings I run across the school, this is not something I normally I do. I prefer to walk close to walls and avoid people but today I am feeling brave. I am on a mission for 316.

When I reach the locker, you are not there, but the obscenity still is. I reach into my bag, pull out the paper and unfold it. I'm starting to sweat, feeling very self conscious, I bet everyone is looking at me. My left hand wants to shake and feet want to start moving, I hate this feeling, needing to move, not being able to stand still, it gets worse when im nervous. I look at the locker number and steady myself. Glue stick, paper and steady hands put the picture over top of the of the one thing keeping you from school and away from me.

I go to the office and call home. I cant possibly stay here any longer, my batteries are drained, my hand wont stop shaking and fingers counting. I need to go home and escape. today was too much.

Two days later Its lunch time, I am in the cafeteria and find you, writing or drawing from across the room. I pick up my lunch, sketch book, pencils and walk across the room till I am next to you. I set my stuff down, making sure you see my sketch book first. I sit beside you and start drawing, neither of us say a word.

I have a friend today.

-Puer Aeternus

[ralexsol]

HELLO EVERYONE! IT IS TIME FOR MY ANNUAL ART RECAP!!

This year, a lot of my art was not shared online. I did a lot of sketching, and the digital art I did do was often new designs for npcs in the Call of Cthulhu oneshot I wrote (which I am keeping mostly to myself for the time being). So while it may seem that I didn't do too much this year, I think it's safe to say I did my best to grow when I was able to!

All the same, there was some art I DID share with you all, the best of which have been collected here. 4 of these were projects for the digital art class I took this past Fall semester at school, 4 are Slime Story pictures, and 4 are PD pieces. I honestly don't know how it ended up that way, I guess I just love drawing the PD! And the Slime Story ones are a given, because I just LOVE THEM SO MUCH.

I remember the process for each of these pieces so clearly. All of them required hours upon hours of work - even the Fresh!Ink one, his design is so fucking complicated. But I'm so glad I was able to be patient and finish every single one of them. The craziest thing is that I can see the progression of my art skills even just through this year - comparing the 1st PD piece to the Loki animation is astounding. I have been feeling a little more insecure about my art lately, so it's reassuring to see that I haven't been entirely stagnant.

And most importantly, I DID 2 ANIMATIONS?? IN A WEEK??? Yes, one was a looping 12 frames and the other was just 3 seconds, but still??? Real animation, and it looks good!! It may not be the 3-minute PD animation I've been wanting to work on for over a year, but it's a start for certain. My dream of becoming an animator had died briefly in favor of the idea of majoring in comics, but now I don't know! Seeing characters come to life, and that being my doing? It's awe-inspiring. I just love it so much. So, we'll see what animation projects I attempt next!

I can't wait to conquer future challenges in my art journey. I hope to open commissions in a few months and to actually get clients, but we'll see how that goes! I'm definitely not as skilled as a lot of aspiring artists my age, so it may take another couple years to really be able to pull in customers. As for right now, I'll continue sketching little guys and relearning how to draw hands :)