#i am feeling some kind of way tonight.
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a greater woman wouldn't beg but i looked to the sky and said, "please, change the prophecy. don't want money, just someone who wants my company."
#ffxiv#final fantasy xiv#gpose#ffxiv gpose#ffxiv screenshots#ffxiv oc#ffxiv wol#warrior of light#wol#oc: nara#my edits#i am feeling some kind of way tonight.
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More cishet observations from the past month at work:
- They really fucking buzz off of the TERF wizard book series
- Their favourite place on Earth is Florida (why???)
- If you tell them you're an artist, they will ask you if you've ever "tried out AI"
- They will joke about OCD a lot
- They absolutely hate their bodies and will take any opportunity to talk about food in a toxic way (bonus points if they compare their body/food to yours)
- They hate their spouses and think that this is funny
- They. Do not. Have interests. (Besides the TERF wizard book series)
- They don't watch movies or TV??
- If they have kids, the way they talk about them makes it sound like it was genuinely the worst decision they ever made
- If they don't have kids, they will still fucking talk about having them
- They don't like cats??
In other weird news, I'm gendered correctly at work and I pass to the point that cishets actually talk to me like I'm a cishet guy.
#once again afraid to post bc i feel like im being too mean#but also i have some serious cishet exhaustion and need to complain#i hate them idc#im going out with friends tonight and im tired af but also cant wait to be around fags#i feel like theres this misconception that a lot of young people nowadays are queer because its 'cooler'#but like. i am the way i am obviously. my queerness doesnt make me cool at all#but i find that cishets tend to be a lot less creative and close with people outside of their blood families#which makes perfect sense to me as a tranny who loves his friends more than family idk#so i get a lot of cishet exhaustion. even just cis exhaustion tbh#im not a cool and quirky kind of trans person by any means but sometimes -#- sometimes you just want to hang out with a bunch of transfags#like we can literally just be sitting around on our phones and its great#but cishets? they make ever fucking second a struggle sometimes#cant explain it beyond the feeling that im interacting with people who are entirely -#- fundamentally different from me in almost every way#i feel like its also important for me to say that i often feel isolated in trans circles too lol#like theres this kind of normative/young way of being trans right now and im not it son.#but thats a me problem
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wang ziqi & huang jingyu: size difference [xhs]
#hi hey hello y'all i am just feeling#some kind of a way about their#size difference#in this wendy's tonight#also THEY'RE THE SAME HEIGHT#why is this happening to me#me personally#much to consider here#much to think about#wang ziqi#huang jingyu#beiran#雪迷宫#the first shot
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is today the day I listen to broadway Gatsby cast recording……. I only Realised it was out yesterday and I’m kind of dreading it
#up until actually listening to it I can say things like “oh it sucks So bad… so I’ve heard. wink !! I don’t actually have any opinions I am#going to give it a fair chance :3. quotation mark. I don’t know why it isn’t letting me put quotation mark#anyway#once I DO listen to it though… I actually Will have to have an opinion…#and if I DO hate it. then what if it is less fun to poke fun at it… and what if it makes it less easy to separate the merch I Do like and#own [gifts from well meaning relatives ♡] from the actual piece of media… and what if it really Is so upsetting to me I kind of don’t Want#to be upset you know#but what if I like it. in some way. how embarrassing would That be#I don’t know… I don’t know I don’t know#I hope it’s Good because I want things to be good. but I hope it’s bad because I don’t want to be the Only person who thinks it’s good#so complicated feelings to have… sigh#I’ll do it though I’m So big and brave… not Now but tonight.#the great gatsby
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Something I forgot about the difference between Tumblr and Instagram (or at least the one I'm thinking about right now) is that I'll post something on Instagram, get the handful of likes from the regulars, and then poof. It's gone. Off to the ether with you. Guess I'll have to post something new
Meanwhile on Tumblr, I am STILL regularly getting likes on the bifrost incident stained glass piece. Definitely not as many but they're still coming. USUALLY it's the few people I'm friends with sharing a thing once or twice and then that goes into the ether too, but when one of my drawings goes past the normal circle of friends I'm getting notifs on that for DAYS.
Plus, it's never fully gone! I can go reblog my older art whenever I want! Whereas on Instagram you'd just. I don't know. Post the same thing again? Which sucks. What if I just want to remind someone that something exists? What if I don't have anything new or special to say? What if I just went "Oh yeah I still really like this piece" and then I bring it back to the top so other people can see it too.
Also the you can only post squares thing. Who the HELL made a site around sharing art and images and said you can only use perfect squares. FUCK you
#having thoughts about art tonight and this one felt relevant so yall get ir#*it#not art#i am STILL getting the ocassional like on the mechs sketchbook page#meanwhile i posted my most recent (and current favorite) one to instagram at APPARENTLY a weird time#cause only a third of the usual people have seen it#and i have NO way to bump it again. absolutely zero. the algorithm sees all and it wants me dead#tumblr is a way less useful site if you want to be professional with your work#but its way better for actually getting that validation#that people like your stuff and would like you to keep making it#i dunno it feels different#i always have to try to get the most traction possible on instagram#meanwhile over here i go 'i thought this would be fun!! i wanted to post it because maybe some of you#who are stuck in small dead fandom hell would like it too!'#AND THEN THEY DO#AND THEY ARE SO OPENLY KIND#i dont know. I Dont Know. im having thoughts
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feeling some kind of way about all my friends living so fucking far away tonight
#a hug. a hug from a friend would be so good right now#exchanging affection over the Internet isnt enough i need to be in your arms#nyxtalks#i know i am like. gods worst friend. never replying to anyone. i know im sorry i wish i was better about it#you deserve better than my flakiness but god i hope you remember how much i hold you dear#i cant do much but my god i can love you from back here#sorry im feeling some kind of way tonight#i wish things were different
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anyone else have no idea what they wanna do in life
#honestly glad im doing a master’s cause i have no idea whatsoever of what kind of job i want or what i wanna do#idek where i wanna live#and like idk if companies i like would even hire me#ugh idk why im thinking about this tonight#adulthood is so much pressure and i feel like there’s way too many things i could do but also ….. not ? idk#i miss being young and knowing exactly what i wanna do#also i cant wait to start my masters im so bored rn#also i am really hoping to make some actual friends so yay
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why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up
#i'm overthinking something that i did and was told off for doing by my director#and on my way home i was thinking when was the last time i was even talked to like that during a production#and then i remembered the costume experience from hell of only a couple months ago that i've already began blocking out#but the thing is that that person was someone i knew i'd never have to work with again#i mean at first i thought i would have to work with them more. then they announced they were moving away immediately#so i only had to deal with them face to face for another weekish after that point and anytime they yelled at me#i was like 'cool. i'll do exactly what you say to do. and nothing more.' but then of course me being me#i did some extra stuff and they initially were like 'oh that's pretty' and then days later told me to cut everything i added#and like sure i get that the show was frozen but girl. that costume was unfinished. i was trying to finish it. it was frozen but looked bad#anyway. whenever they yelled at me and had actual malice in their heart i was like whatever. i was hurt. but i didn't care as much.#but this time it's someone i've worked with many many times before and it was about a habit i have that i know isn't great#but at the same time the thing that prompted it wasn't even me doing this habit it was something else#but she interpreted it as that habit and said that i can't do that on a production she's directing#and that if i couldn't stop then i could pull out from the production and there'd be no hard feelings between us#and honestly i think her reassuring that she knows i'm valuable and that she wants me there while also telling me not to do this thing#and the fact that she's someone i like working with and will continue to work with just made it all hurt so much more#especially since she referenced another past production we've done where i didn't even realize she had noticed that i do this.#and i found myself in near tears. and still am kind of in near tears. i can't decide if i need to cry or not.#and i had NO sleep last night so i was looking forward to sleeping tonight but now i'm just overthinking EVERYTHING#and like. i know everything will be fine. if i just stop inserting myself and stick to just my specific tasks. it'll be fine.#but this is one of the ways my ocd manifests. i feel like i have to personally fix something i notice going wrong. or it'll be bad.#because every single time i choose to sit back and not be nosy when i notice something it ends up bad in a way i could have prevented#if i just inserted myself in a situation i technically wasn't part of but knew i could help or fix. so i just need to not do that.#but then i feel guilt if it does go wrong in the ways i immediately assumed it would and in a way i could prevent.#and i've been trying to work on this for like 6 months and aaaahhhh it's hard and being called out on it from her just really really hurt#i still may or may not cry. i don't know. the irony of me telling my therapist THIS MORNING that it's been a while since i last cried.#and the universe being like 'i took that as a challenge' and handing me this situation for me to spiral over.#i need to leave things alone. i need to stare straight ahead. and ignore whatever isn't specifically for me to do. but ahhh i want to help#and then of course my mom has this same habit and it annoys me when she does it yet i do it to other people and ahhhhhhhh#brain please just shut up. i need to sleep. i have to work tomorrow.
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ykw actually I am angry + disappointed w them. I've been pushing how I feel aside and trying to make it my own fault so it's all contained but I think theyve just been mean. and they really should know me better ik I try to pretend I don't expect more from them so I feel less hurt when they do things that upset me but we've been friends for years by this point. like come on.
#just got home and went to put my shit away but my flatmate was in the kitchen and i got suddenly so mad i had to walk back out#not going to do or say anything while im this upset. i need to be a lot calmer before i can even be in the same room as her#like okay. so originally it was just the two of them getting drinks and theyd rather it was just them bc i dont drink. thats cool#it wouldve been difficult for me to join them after work bc travel. and ik theyd done this before just the 2 of them and had fun#i can fully respect that its why i said no and stuck by that decision when she asked again#but to not mention she was taking the day off work and btw i just found out that BOTH of our other old flatmates joined in too#to not mention that they were travelling that entire distance and that it wasnt just drinks it was a whole day out together#thats just mean. why wouldnt you tell me that why did none of them say anything.#and the fact they did the exact same fucking thing last weekend too i didnt know about that at all#like i need to stop trying to justify it. im allowed to feel unwanted and excluded bc thats exactly what theyre doing.#im tired of feeling like other people dont want me around. i know i can be difficult and annoying sometimes. but im really not that bad#and we're meant to be friends!!!!!! like youre supposed to like your friends. and want to spend time with them. or at least i do#and yeah everyones annoying sometimes thats just part of being alive ur supposed to tolerate it if ur friends#im allowed to want to feel like im wanted. im allowed to want ppl to care abt me. that shouldnt be too much to ask for#but the overwhelming message im getting at the moment is they dont want me around. and when i am around them i feel like they dont listen#to me and that they dont really care how i feel unless it directly involves them or theyre responsible for it#i feel like they dont see me as a real person that exists. only a version they have in their heads and they base all their assumptions and#decisions off that version instead of directly communicating with me. and constantly avoid me under the guise of 'giving me space'#when im upset or having a difficult time and most need support from other people. i just feel really unseen#and ik that part of how i feel IS exacerbated by insecurity and depression. like they do care to some degree#but also a lot of it is evidenced in the way they act towards me. mainly my roommate bc shes the person i interact with most#and personally i find the most direct ways of showing u care abt someone are showing up for them. and making them feel seen#and maybe not everyone feels the same way. but thats how it works for me anyway#so to repeatedly exclude me and avoid acknowledging that ive been having a difficult time is the opposite of that to me#which is the point im trying to arrive at... sorry ik ive probably said similar things repeatedly the last few weeks but i feel like its#crystallising a bit like this is the core reason why im so sensitive and reactive atm and why i got so upset by it#idk. not tonight bc im still very emotionally raw but maybe tomorrow if im calmer i should explain that i was upset + why to her#i avoid doing that so often when im upset bc i dont think theres much point in having a conversation abt it unless u expect some kind of#resolution from it. or if you want an apology but idrc abt being apologised to the crucial thing is what theyre going to do different#and i love her but shes very resistant to changing her behaviour bc of other ppl being upset by it. and like i said before she has
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getting a comment notification on ao3: exciting, gratifying, humbling
the notification is a third comment from the same person on your hiatused longfic saying they miss it with crying emojis:
#don't get me wrong i am SO SO APPRECIATIVE for the connection but... oof. my heart.#the double whammy of feeling creatively unproductive and being reminded of something you put a lot of time + effort into without payoff#is like a bat to the skull tbqh#don't mind me. delete later. i'm just feeling some kind of way about disappointing strangers on the internet tonight
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big brown eyes save lives
#yeah i am feeling some kind of way tonight#need some brown eyes to gaze deeply into mine before dropping to my lips mhmmm#yearning yearning yearning#ryan rambles
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I’m so over emotional right now. read that Jimmy Buffett died surrounded by his friends and family and started crying. not that he died. that everyone he loved, that loved him, was there with him in his final moments. and his dogs! his dogs were there, too! something about it is so beautiful and nice and fuck, I am bummed he died, but that he went out surrounded by his loved ones makes it seem okay. I’m glad he got that in the end. That knowing you’re loved and you’ll be remembered. I think that’s all we can really hope for in the end.
#hi I am in emotional crisis#I can’t say I was a HUGE Buffett fan buuut…#I do have at least one of his books (ironically?) and who can’t get down on some of his music?#but also my dad is a big Jimmy Buffett fan and so it feels like a part of his has died now#I love my dad but in a distant diety way. the kind you prayed to as a child but now you only really know in memory#I never talk to him but I love him and whenever one of the few things I know he enjoys dies it’s like I lose another little connection#he loved Anthony Bourdain. He loved Jimmy Buffett. god please someone watch over Chris Isaak for me!#I’m a mess#my emotions are everywhere tonight.#I was angry and disconnected for hours and now I’m just sad and lonely and anything could make me cry#I need a hug#I don’t want pity but I do want love#blegh#anyway… my brain is slowly coming back online. I can read a bit better now.#just needed to take meds and eat and whatnot#going to take a shower and I went and got some snacks to treat myself#but whatever. I love you stranger#or I don’t but pretend I do. I’ll pretend too. I want you to feel good.#you can ignore this#hug your pets please#hug me too if your arms can reach#text
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Brain is rotating between depressing but bittersweet post-trimax one-shot, current wip chapter of itnl, playful horny Sentido sequel one-shot, and violent bloody itnl times to be had sooner than you think
Like the barrel of a gun. Click click click click spinning round and round. Which one am I gonna land on? Only time will tell.
#speculation nation#itnl shit#i did start writing chapter 14 today. finally.#like barely but it's a start.#but ive also been thinking about the post-trimax oneshot i wrote the intro for a month ago & havent written any since#but ALSO im thinking about smut. which i plan to write itnl side stories when that shit comes up#but it's gonna Be A While & i could theoretically do the sentido sequel oneshot WHENEVER i want#ive been waiting for ww to officially be in itnl so hes alive again. b4 i go back to sentido.#but i still have a while and i wanna write smut NOW!!!!!!!!#these 2 make me wanna start Chewing i swear#i also started thinking about blood. specifically vash covered in it.#which yeaaa yeaaa we have seen that already. kind of. but thats not the blood i want to see on him.#there's a difference between his blood and someone else's blood. his blood on him is natural. common. expected.#he's fine with it bc he's so fucking used to it.#now someone Else's blood? that's not as common. he avoids it at all cost. not bc of the blood itself#but rather its existence signifies his failure. to keep someone safe. to keep someone alive.#for him to be covered in someone else's blood he has to fail quite badly. and Boy do i have some immanent plans for that >:3c#all in all i am feeling Profoundly unhinged tonight. but in a creative sort of way.#unfortunately i dont have a brain for writing rn so none of it is being done. but i will do Something... later.#hopefully tomorrow. we'll see!
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Sleepless night </3
#worse is that i was thinking. and i should leave that to the professionals honestly#no but idk. it wasnt a bad thinking. just realising that i need to find a way to give myself some more understanding and peace#its hard for me to allow myself to care about things#and it terrifies me to love because to love something means you can lose it too#so being in a relationship where i actually love the other person and allow myself to love fully is very hard even if its wonderful#and it makes me happy to see how far ive come#and i do think i am privileged to get to know myself more through the challenges of being in a relationship#and getting to know myself more through the act of loving someone else !#but i think if you knew the context of my life youd see how absolutely crazy this is for me#ten years ago i didnt even understand that i was allowed feelings at all#and now i sometimes feel like crying because i love him so much#no but fr i just recently discovered last year that i was capable of missing my family and i was like WOW new emotion unlocked#and i really really do see it as a privilege to be able to feel things bc i remember how empty it was not to#but i also feel like im a baby learning how to walk while everyone else is running already#so i guess tonight im just sleepless and kind of.. not sad really? but just crying because its overwhelming#ahh man i always realise reading through my own tags that i make no sense. if anyone is reading them- sorry gang 🙏#but summary. i cant sleep. i think alot. i used to not feel things and now i do. this is nice and new and sometimes hard#but i can tell that i am changing as a person and change is always hard 👍#diary entries
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Hm :(
#sometimes I feel like I’m no good at all really#like I feel like people may just be humoring me??#and I’m very sad and I feel like I can’t tell why I feel this way#maybe I’m depressed ? or maybe my hormones are way off#but now I kind of am just up crying and I feel awful#I feel so stupid for it all#I feel really gross and like I’m not interesting at all and I’m just very sad#sometimes I think the only way I can be enjoyable is by skills I have. if that makes sense#I wish my dad liked me at least a little bit. he’s is always so .. fake and disinterested in me#and my mom is so cruel#like it’s so complicated bc she’s nice one minute and the next I’m afraid she’ll hit me again#so this pretty much rules out major family contenders#I’m just so sad tonight man#I wish we didn’t have work tomorrow so I could just challenge Emily to a reading contest#or maybe a writing contest#whoever has a higher word count or page count wins#idk. that could be fun#at least#not super sad I guess??? maybe we will sometime we have off#some holiday this is turning into ugh#whatever though I’ll pull it together#I’ll figure out how to make it good and fun for us#I’m good at that. At least sometimes#delete later
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if anyone needs me i'll be crying in my room like im in a movie about high school, because I saw my crush talking to another girl at the bonfire tonight
#he and i met like a month ago on a bike ride with another friend#and id beem kinda interested in him before#and had been too scared to talk to him at chuch#and he was at the bonfire tonight (which was a surprise to me) but i couldn't bring myself to talk to him#and then later on another girl sat by him and chatted with him#and it just looked sort of flirty#the way they were talking to each other#and shes cute and demure and all the things guys like#and he looked like he was into her#and i just.#maybe im not ready to enter the dating scene#i feel gutted#she's pretty and Normal and im over here like.#am i really that much of a freak?#i know that maybe im just not his type but like#it plays into this general feeling that i struggle with--how im not like other girls and that bothers me#i think i give off some kind of Weird vibe and not in a cutesy quirky way#i mean I am still going to try to talk to him on Sunday#i dont know what to say or how to even approach him#maybe just compliment the shirt he had on this evening#how do i even talk to guys?????#but its now or never#though my guess is hes not interested in me#or even thinks im really weird#clearly i struggle pretty bad with rejection still#and maybe shouldn't put myself in a position to get hurt again#if he wanted to reach out he probably would have by now? I mean im on facebook and my phone number is in the church directory
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