#i am exhausted from fucking up every social everything

[hajihiko]

Aren't you tired of being nice, don't you just wanna go apeshit: a ramble about the despair gimmick

In short- in my mind & my world, despair is basically just giving up on your/society's principles and deliberately becoming the worst version of yourself. It's kind of a rejection of society and expectations to a catastrophic degree- I am tired of being nice and I am going to go apeshit (I'm sick of trying to keep everything together, I'm doing a 180 and burning it all to the ground). Who hasn't fantasized a little bit about giving up the long fight for good and doing all the things you know are bad?

In long:

I do think the whole despair and hope, specifically, are moreso gimmicks to have easily recognisable and iconic words in your game rather than something you can actually summarise. I mean, the concepts are real, and the feelings are as real as any feeling is. But the spiral-eyes and super-saiyan mode are obviously moreso to make it dynamic and On Brand, and it's simply more fun that way. As a visual artist this is great for me!

But like, the actual despair thing to me is a more familiar feeling that a lot of people might recognize; a kind of sickness, not illness, but being sick of the world you were born into. Especially these gifted kids with their whole future already defined, whether they like it or not. If your world is rigid and unyielding, you might be sorely tempted to take a sledgehammer and just wreck it.

Akane example: her life was really rough, and her only way out was sports and the privileges being good at them brings. If she doesn't keep up, she just might end back in poverty, and at least in gymnastics there are less people abusing her. But she still needs to practice, mind her diet, wear the right clothes, socialize, compete, go to school, worry about her family back home, etc. Eventually she throws it all away, says FUCK IT and lets herself do whatever she wants, even ruins her body so there is a very slim chance she can even make a comeback- no expectations, nothing to live up to. Then, she can finally stop trying so hard to be good. It's easier to lay down and deteriorate, and after so long pushing yourself to make it, there's probably a kind of delerious joy to finally just. Give up, and stop trying. Absolving yourself of all responsibility for your life and others', whatever happens from here on out just doesn't matter.

Imagine your life is a castle of blocks (you know, the kind kids play with).

When you're little, everything is impressive. You made one block stand up, wow! Good job! Keep going, here's a block coloured improvement, here's one coloured discipline.

You should have a block coloured father figure, but instead you're handed violence. That one is misshapen and ugly and makes your whole construct unstable and much more difficult to work with in the future, but you're too young to know the difference. Once you're old enough to know, it's too late- you already built so much on that foundation.

As you go on, and make a bigger castle, not only does the building get harder, but people expect more, and it gets more and more imperative that you keep going and do not fuck up. Especially when you're a gifted kid that's supposed to be the very best at that one thing you do - it's exhausting!! Every time the castle so much as rattles, you're terrified it's all gonna come down, and you just start hating this stupid castle.

Then someone shows up and says, hey. You can just knock this whole thing down, yknow? If you do, people will stop hounding you about it, and if you do it with a big tantrum and a bang, they won't even expect you to try again. You can just rest.

And god, doesn't that sound good.

She hands you a baseball bat and you delightfully start smashing your castle to bits, and get splinters and blisters and tire yourself out with it. Once you're done, maybe you even start smashing other people's blocks. Maybe you even think you're helping them. It's just stupid blocks and you're so over treating them seriously.

(It so happens that she is making her own empire out of the wood chips of your life, but you don't see that. Or you don't care, or you're just happy to give something back to her.)

But of course it's not actually a castle of blocks. It's your life, and you don't get to switch out broken blocks for new ones and you can't un-smash them.

Kind of like waking up from a bender, a fun wild crazy time while it lasted, but now you feel sick and gross and hurt and you'd like to go back to the comforts you had, but... too late.

You get put into a rehab coma. Everything is a mess, everything hurts, and you don't really want to live in a pile of wood chips after all. You don't need to make a castle, you can make whatever you want, actually. But it's gonna be pretty hard.

A guy hands you band-aids and some glue and says, better get to work.

And you get to work.

[flamingo--ing]

mm

[strawberryvanillafrosting]

success life story ♡

heyy i'm here to share about my success story, the beginning is only before i started manifesting and about when i just started, all my success are on the very end of the blog, so feel free to skip directly at it if you're not interest by all the rambling !

have a good read ☆

michiko is so pretty, i've literally been told so many times i looked liker <3

the old story that i don’t live in anymore

okay so before i didn’t hate my life, at all, but i just found very dull and so poor of entertaining like it was just too fucking regular and repetitive.also a bit depressing. i thought of myself of such an unlucky girl before and i was like affirming all the fucking time that i was unlucky and guess what? everything really used to go the way i didn’t want it to go every single damn time and i’d be like i knew it im so unlucky boo-hoo.

same for the money i would just go every single fucking day rambling to my friends how poor i was and how i wanted money so bad and the same story every single fucking for days, weeks, months.

i really wanted a new appartement and my own room cause i used to share same room as my sister and it really was getting on my nerves, i had no privacy and place for myself. the apartment was small, my mum always kept complaining about it and then she would argue about my dad about it but the reason why we couldn’t move out despite trying for several months was cause my dad had whole lotta debts and my mom had a really low paying and hard job she was exhausted and, it was quiet hard to see them being this unhappy and they still tried their hardest to make us happy so i really wanted to get back at them.

about social life i had very few friends and barely went out, i'd say probably one time a month. and i really wanted to get that life of the party, and those big ass friends group and also i was crazy desperate about having black friends cause i am black and literally the only black out here without none of black friends and i felt pretty left out like wtf am i the only black girl with no black friends cause all of them (that's so dumb tho.. ) were friends and gets invited to the most fun hangouts and i was embarrassingly jealous of that and also complained a lot about it…and kept asking tf was wrong with me.

STRONGLY on this one : i wanted a relationship so bad and i kept hating and being sad to those couple on tiktok’s. one time i actually cried cuz i wanted a boys’s love so bad like i was craving it so bad. i was in such despair state before..cringy ahh ☠️

i used to be rlly insecure about my looks too even tho at some moments i felt more confident, i kept comparing myself and waisting dozens of minutes enumerating my "flaws ". i knew about manifestation but not really about law of assumption , for me manifesting was really all about listening to subliminals, method and scripting. we all once knew that phase yeah? i used to manifest from time to time but then would just give up again,since i was not seeing results and so on. so useful wow.and then there’s the others things like mediocre grades, poor family health, just constant tiredness and fatigue feeling,

tw : mention of being depressed,sh,ed, : felt empty like life had absolutely no meaning, suicidal thoughts, tried to end by over-consumption of medication, self-harm and bulimia, constant complaining and NEGATIVE ONLY mindset.

but now, NOW i tell you ever single thing i’ve just listed changed completely like every single damn thing i’ve just listed is no more, it’s out of the date, dead, buried and no longer existing !

it clicked

then at some point at my life i was just like. yk what? fuck i just wanna change it all. then i really like really  got into it all over again and for good. no more 1 week i try then giving up cause i ain’t seeing no « results ».

i watched hours and hours of ppl talking about loa (i’m not saying you should do this at all it’s just that i was very under-informed and wanted to know everything about loa)on youtube, shoutout to rita kaminski and hyler who really put me into it and informed me. then i started reading neville’s pdf books, and tumblr blogs, kinda overconsuming but i liked getting myself informed.

and then that’s where everything started and that i got aware of all the power i actually hold. all the things i actually can do just cause of my mind. i wrote down all my wishes in present tense ,like every single aspect i wanted to change/have in my life. and i started fully living in the end like really got myself into and at first of course, wavering from time to time in the beginning. it was pretty easy for me since i was used to manifestation.but what i didn’t do before is persist no matter what and that’s what was really tricky for me in the beginning to persist no matter what and not just give up to bullshit 3D. but when i kept moving forward no matter the 3D and made it facts the only my 4D matters and everything has already happened, ALL and every single wish down to the last one flowed into my life. ONE by ONE every single hour of the day i would get my manifestations down to the last letter i wrote in my notes.every single thing

success storyy

in a matter of few weeks like really 3 week-ish like- 1 month max.

starting off LUCK i’m extremely lucky now every single time i play gambling activities i win. i’ve won insane amounts at scratch cards i think i’ve won in total more than 5’000$. JUST FROM SCRATCH CARDS.and before i started i NEVER EVER WON. now whenever i play there’s not one time that i’ll win absolutely nothing even just a small prize

won huge lottery prize (from 200 to 12k the biggest i’ve won yet)

winning a gambling games, either online or dice rolling luck,bets, bingos etc.. its literally insane every one keep telling that i literally has got god’s blessing (i’m the god guys🥰)

financially freedom, my parents upgraded jobs and i’ve got lots of incomes + the money my parents give me 

all the debts my dad had, he got rid of ALL of them and when i tell you mf had a lot of em☠️

move out in a new huge ass condo which is a duplex (like really like i wrote it it’s actually scary how powerful we are..) I’VE FINALLY GOT MY OWN ROOM and we’re getting my desired furnitures and decorating the house i’m so grateful

friends and popularity i think biggest shock for me is really this. like my social life has gone from very paisible to completely fully booked and passioning life. like seriously i’ve been to more parties, concerts, birthdays, and hangouts during the last 2 weeks holidays than in my entire life

got lot of new friends, healthy relationships and quality time passed on lots of fun activities and sm memories

black groups friend. WITH AN S.so thankful to myself to be this good a manifestation i litteraly got into a black friend group of girls and i’ve never felt more at my place and understood this much. and these girls know the black group boys (when i tell you that 2y ago they were the person that i wanted to be close with so bad..also they’re really hot and funny lol)so we hung out with them and i was literally so highlighted and became pretty much friends with all of them !! 

my man. HELLO I LITERALLY MANIFESTED MY DREAM RELATIONSHIP? when i met him i didn’t actually realize right on the spot that he was exactly how i wanted him to be and reading back to when i scripted out all the things i wanted at the beginning, everything matched. he’s literally physically and mentally the man of my dream LIKE REALLY. we’re no bf and gf YET cause it’s just a little soon but we see each others super often and we have the best relationship ever i swear it’s giving wattpad. the flirting is crazyyy.

dream bod.from head to toe my desired body. heavy on the lower body all for that azz and wide hips.ive got smooth and clear skin and smell good all the time!! litteraly flawless face + got my braces which suits so much and dimples

plenty of vacations (went to ibiza, usa and dubai )

lenient parents they use to be so strict before i swear its crazy they let me go so easily now, i can hangout without asking 3 days ,like they accept even if i've gotta go in the next hour or if wanna go on trip that's in another country. i can come back home so much later too

attractive & magnetic aura + being really charismatic (everyone i met keep telling me i’ve got this thing that really makes them want me, get closer to me)

good grades without doing much

perfect self-concept - as i kept living 24/7 in the state of wish fulfilled, my self concept only got better making me really know what i’m worth and never wavering/ going back to the old story

whole ass pc set up

all of my desired skincare/makeups/shoes/clothes

and so much more...

outro

i hope y'all liked my blog and that it motivated some of you to NEVER GIVE UP cause y'all are reallyy some powerful mfs and y'all already got all of yours desires !!

˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ honey kisses, shayama

[sillydizzybxtches]

Breathe For Me

WARNINGS: disassociation, mental breakdown, comfort <3 — A/N? - 1.5k words + gn!reader !! ⯌ summary: after reneé's partner has a breakdown due to academic pressures, she's always willing to take care of them.

Ten fingers tore at your hair, your digits buried in your strands as you tried to soothe yourself—to bring yourself some sort of comfort while the world spaced out around you. Your knees were cradled to your chest and your back was to the wall as your breaths ran shallow. You felt just as distressed as you looked; while your hands trembled in your hair and a sheen of sweat began to form at your brow, you felt your breath trying to slip away from you as the pit of your stomach churned like some sort of unholy concoction. You just wanted it all to stop—the war going on in your head and your life. You just wanted quiet for one second.

College fucking sucked—you hated how much it required; you had to socialize and communicate 24/7, keep your grades up, and still had to find some time to yourself. You hated it. It was a part of what was going to forge your future and who you'd become—it was supposed to be everything, but all it felt like was a fuckton of pressure that left you mentally and physically exhausted almost every day. And guess what? As much as you were sick of it, you were trying your hardest to push through, even if you felt the control over your life and mental stability slipping through your fingers like sand—even if you were noticeably working yourself only to feel like your effort wasn't nearly enough. Even if your grades lowered and your motivation diminished, you pushed, and pushed, and fucking pushed, until you physically gave out—until you were on the bedroom floor, sobbing and gasping for air like there was none left in the world.

When it hit you, it hit you hard—as much as you tried to avoid it; it felt like a storm of emotions you'd forced yourself to forget how to feel hit you in the chest and knocked the wind out of you. Before you could even comprehend what was happening, you broke down. Not only were you were mentally frustrated, but you were physically, as well—it felt overwhelming to even try to breathe. You just wanted it all to stop. And for a while, it did.

You shut down. It felt like you blacked out—maybe you did ... you don't remember. The only thing that you remembered aside from the inability to breathe was waking up, your eyes slowly fluttering open as the soft glow of the TV came into view. And the clock. It was 12AM.

You let out a soft yawn and turned on your side, still completely confused as to what was happening—how was it 12AM already? Was it really 12AM? What day was it? Was this a dream? What if you transformed into a goldfish in your sleep without knowing it? Wait, were you a goldfish? What the fuck?

You almost startled awake when you felt something on your face and heard a soft giggle. For a second, you were confused as fuck, until you heard the hum of a familiar voice.

"Sorry, love. I didn't realize you turned," Reneé purred softly, moving her hand that had previously shoved against your nose accidentally to your hair, burying her slender fingers in the strands and massaging your scalp. You hummed in satisfaction and melted against her hand as your eyes fluttered shut again, letting her continue her ministrations—damn, that felt good.

"Am I a goldfish?" You slurred groggily, to which you felt your girlfriend's hand stop as she chuckled. You whined and pushed back up against her hand like a cat that craved attention, to which she hummed and continued to let the pads of her fingers scratch at your scalp. "Baby, what?" She giggled. "I just thought���wait, huh?" You mumbled in confusion. What were you talking about? Wait, you were awake. Oh. Oh, you were awake. That made no sense. And it was midnight. This was weird.

You heard Reneé giggle again. "I can't tell if you're sleep-talking or if you're just sleep-drunk," She cooed, pulling her hand out of your hair and moving to rub soft circles on your back. "I'm awake," You mumbled. You decided that you needed to get up and figure out what was happening—which started with you rubbing your eyes and opening them all the way, only to be met with the brightness of a TV screen. You whined, re-squeezed your eyes shut, and lazily pushed yourself to sit up, grumbling under your breath about the bright-ass light that blinded you. It may as well have been a flashbang at that point.

You forced yourself to open your eyes again, letting out a soft yawn as you turned to your right and saw Reneé's face come into view; the glow of the television screen illuminated against her hair and made her glow, and her smile was probably just as bright as that damn screen. You smiled softly at her goofy smile, blinking in confusion as she looked you up and down. "What?" You hissed in confusion.

"Nothin', baby—you're just adorable," She teased. You rolled your eyes and lifted your arms to stretch, trying to remember how you even got here. The last thing you remember doing was forcing yourself to take a break from studying. "How'd you sleep?"

"Good, I think?" You sighed. "I don't even remember falling asleep."

"Oh," Reneé blinked—you couldn't tell if she was confused or disappointed. "Do you ... wanna know how, then?" You nodded in curiosity. She reached for the remote to pause the TV, turning to you and sighing.

"I don't really know what happened before, but I got home from work and you weren't responding—you didn't run downstairs to hug me or anything. I ran upstairs to check on you, and you were just ... sobbing like you couldn't breathe. I did my best to help you come down, but it was like you were barely there," Reneé whimpered, as though she were reliving it. "You didn't respond to me and I was scared that you'd accidentally hurt yourself or something. Everything got better once I got you to breathe and slow down—you didn't talk to me, but you were exhausted. I didn't want to make you stay awake, so I just cuddled with you until you fell asleep."

Then it all came flooding back—the way your heart thudded in your chest as you slid down the wall, your consciousness slowly fading into the background as your emotions washed over and dragged you beneath the waters. It literally felt like you were drowning—that was what you remembered. Drowning in all of the pressure.

"Oh, shit," You mumbled, your eyes beginning to brim with tears. Not only did it hurt to think about it, but you felt like you were bothering Reneé—like you were burdening her with your struggles. You also didn't want it all to have to continue; you didn't want to have to repeat the cycle of working yourself to the point of mental and physical exhaustion. It felt fucking suffocating. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry," You choked.

The moment she realized what was happening, Reneé shook her head and cupped your cheek, gently forcing you to look at her as she held you. "Hey, Y/N," She hummed. "It's okay, baby—it's not your fault, okay? It will never be your fault. You're doing your best, love—and I'm so, so fucking proud of you. Okay?"

As much as you tried not to, that was when you lost it—you burst into tears and your girlfriend was quick to pull you in close, wrapping her arms around you in a hug; not a suffocating one, but one that was welcoming and filled you with comfort. You buried your face into the crook of her neck and sobbed, hugging her like you were scared to let you go. Maybe you were—maybe she was all you needed.

She didn't interfere, and she just let you cry—she helped keep your breathing in check just to ensure that you didn't completely disassociate again, but she whispered sweet words of reassurance to you until you came down. When you did, you just stayed where you were and breathed in her sweet, familiar scent until you were ready to talk again.

You pulled your head out of her neck and wiped your tears away, sniffling a bit as you did so. "Thanks, Nae," You mumbled. "I needed that—I really did. And I'm still sorry."

Her hand tenderly reached out to cup your cheek again, her emerald eyes soft. "Please, baby—you don't have to apologize for having feelings. I get how you feel, and I'm always here if you need me for anything at all. I know life can seem really fucking suffocating sometimes, but I promise that you don't have to do it alone. I love you, and I need you to know that I meant it at all times—on the days when you're happy and the ones when you just need to break down. Okay?"

You felt like you could cry again, but you had a headache from crying already—still, a few tears rolled down your cheeks. "Okay, angel. I love you so damn much," You hummed, an uncontrollable smile curving your pretty lips.

"I love you, too. Wanna get a midnight snack and go back to sleep?" Reneé offered.

"Yeah—that sounds perfect."

She really was all you needed.

[yermes]

An overview of what the fuck just happened

(Post term clarity) 🎱

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Pick a meme

123

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Disclaimer: please take what I say with a grain of salt and not as the gospel. I just want to share some ideas of practicing and giving advice using the medium as often as I can with school, work, and my own personal studies and practice. But I am working on sharing my notes soon so that will be exciting! Liking and sharing does a lot 🥰

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Socials: My Socials **☾*

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The cards

Zinc Zn 30

Guys, chat, pookie, what was that why did we make this so uncomfortably hard for no reason, why was there never a spot to stop and to catch ones breath, why when the opportunity for a moment to progress, to do something to go forward a head slightly or to do something for the overall mental wellbeing it was confronted with the tallest mountain of tiredness, stagnation, overall exhaustion. We could never get a break and they were so few and far between when we could catch a break we held it so tightly in our hands that it would eventually crumble to dust, having us start over.

Palladium Pd 46

Babe you did it, every challenge you will ever face lines you up for the next challenge. You were able to face the trials head on and holy shit did it suck but you learned and grew from it. Growing is not easy, it is not fun, more often then not its just kind of hell and with that hell in hand you progress to harder and deeper levels of hell. Its the human condition to trudge and to travel through challenges, its the human condition to face hardships everyday, however, its also the human condition to take the challenges and turn them into small pieces of heaven which we use to progress

Ruthenium Ru 44

When the pressure came you cracked and you know thats okay, that happens. Its hard to be stuck in a situation that is so not you, so opposite to you and your character. Its hard to go against the grain of your being day in and day out. Its hard to wake up and to take on the challenge of something so far beyond your nature. Take a minute, reflect, keep it pushing. Keep pushing on throughout your time and take advantage of everything you can because if you aren’t supposed to be there you will make and grow into a space where you are supposed to be.

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Extras:

Story/vent:

Im so tired but i saw my grandma today and getting my ducks in a row for volunteering

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[misaverawrites]

In the Heat of Your Electric Touch

((johnny silverhand x reader))

summary: you're the manager of SAMURAI, johnny talks to you about changing his image after some reflection since Alt died, you decide that he can do what’s best for him… and you might be it.

tags: no arasaka tower bombing, johnny is a good person, johnny has a body, rockerboy johnny silverhand, samurai stays together, fluff, alt’s death (mentioned), cursing, fluff, forehead kisses, NO PHANTOM LIBERTY SPOILERS

a/n: uhhhh, your honor, i am a 20 year old silly goose with a love for this man.

You stare out over the crowd from backstage, with wide smiles, music amplified by their singing as the bass vibrates through your teeth. You run a hand through your hair, just for a second, pushing away a rogue strand. You take a look at your phone, then back at the stage, where you find Johnny, looking at you with a wide and almost uncharacteristic grin, only to flash it back at the crowd, brandishing horns on his hand, the loud cheers from the crowd egging him on, bringing a small, but not, unwelcome smile to your face. Johnny loved what he did, no one could deny that, even if it seemed he only did it to further his own agenda at times. You knew better though, you and Johnny had spent too much time together on this tour for you to think too far against him.

“Alright, and we want to dedicate this encore to every single one of you!” You hear Kerry say from the stage, the wild roar from the crowd amplifying itself, you tend to watch the crowd more than anything during these shows, it was therapeutic, these people were the lifeblood of bands similar to SAMURAI , and you intended to keep them happy. As SAMURAI closes out their set, as well as Henry’s tab, some of the people start their slow, exhausted post-concert shuffle back out onto the streets of Night City, bags of SAMURAI merchandise in hand, you begin your clean-up, helping stage-hands move everything back onto the van.

“Hey, take a load off, they’ve got it.” You hear Johnny, and you shake your head. “Shouldn’t you be getting under the skirt of some barely-legal SAMURAI fangirl?” You joke and he rolls his eyes, “Fuck off,” he justifies himself, playfully all the same, until his tone gets a bit more serious in nature, “Besides, thinkin’ that’s not all too much my scene anymore.” You laugh, almost dropping the set piece in your hands. “Alright, I’m gonna hear you out, but it sounds like you just started talkin’ like one of those Maelstrom goons after they’ve had one too many implantations, what do you mean ?”

Johnny scoffs and takes the set piece from you, setting it down as he sits you down on the stage, the lingering fans vie successfully for Kerry’s attention, less so successfully for Johnny’s, his attention is all on you.

“I’m just… Fuckin’ sick of it, since Alt, since fuckin’ Arasaka, I don’t wanna ramble in those streets to a God who ain’t listenin’. Y’know?” You sigh and he puts his hand on top of yours, “I just want somethin’... Someone , even who makes me not want to shove an iron in my fuckin’ mouth.” You look at him, just for a second, as if he’s grown two heads, until you realize, from the way he’s looking at you, for once in his life, he’s serious . Your eyes widen a bit, does he mean you ? “It’s not your scene,” You say simply, it’s almost matter-of-fact in delivery.

“What if I wanted it to be?” He asks, that genuine tone of voice still there, he’s still Johnny, he knows what he wants, and he’s pushing for it. Not too hard, lest he drive you away, which is a change all in itself. “I’m the band’s manager, Johnny.” He rolls his eyes a bit, “You’ve been around Corpos a bit too long, babe,” You can’t help but love the way it sounds coming off his tongue, when it’s aimed towards you and not at another girl, “You know the fans don’t care, hell, they live for this stupid drama.” You can’t deny that. Your miles-long social media inbox, brimming with fans begging for any bit of gossip, said that all on its own. You smile a bit, “I mean, if you’re saying it could be your scene, then who am I to fight that, Johnny?” He grins, it’s a big, goofy grin unlike you’d ever seen before from him, “Shit, if you’re willing to allow it, then I guess I’d better not fuck it up.” You and him pause for a moment, not realizing how close the two of you are to one another, bodies pressed tightly against one another, you feel his eyes flicker to your lips for just a moment, until you, for once decide, fuck it . You pull Johnny in and kiss him, he’s warm, warmer than you’d expected whenever you thought about this, his hands meet your elbows awkwardly, he doesn’t know what to do here, and neither do you, really. His lips are chapped against yours and he tastes of cigarettes and tequila, a dangerously addictive combination that makes you want him more and more. You feel his hand suddenly brush against your hair and support the underside of your mouth, giving him more access to your mouth as he deepens the kiss, and everything else is simply null and void, besides him and you.

Until you hear the familiar sound of Kerry, clearing his throat, “Hey, both of you!” He calls, actually subtle for him, as the two of you pull away awkwardly, as though the two of you are teenagers, trying to act cool after being caught getting hot and heavy in a dark movie theater. “We’ve gotta go, bar wants us out, but you two can keep going on the tour bus, cool?” Your skin flushes and you avoid direct eye contact with Kerry, as Johnny chuckles awkwardly, despite himself, trying to keep any sense of his usually un-poised yet still collected poise. You nod, turning to look back at Johnny, who does the same to you, as you both share a small laugh with one another, you playfully push him without any real force, as he wraps his ‘ganic arm around you, kissing your forehead softly as the two of you get onto the tour bus together.

[winxanity-ii]

⌜Know No Evil | Chapter 23.5 Chapter 23.5 | squashing current issues⌟

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The sterile white walls of the waiting room did little to soothe your growing impatience. You tapped your foot rhythmically against the floor, scowling at the clock on the wall. Three hours. Three agonizing hours you'd been waiting.

A second later, the door creaked open, , and you whipped your head around, eyes landing on the familiar silhouette. "Oh, Xani," you muttered, rolling your eyes, "it's you."

A black girl slowly slinked into the room, her presence marked by the bright red oversized hoodie she wore, almost swallowing her small frame. Her matching silk bonnet was snugly fit on her head, protecting her curls. She carried a large tumbler in one hand and a laptop in the other. "Please... ____, not now," she sighed, walking over to sit at the same table.

You scowled, arms crossed tightly over your chest. "Forgive me for being a little upset that you're three hours late."

Xani waved you off dismissively as she flipped open her laptop. "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Traffic, road construction, etc."

You scoffed at her. "And the audacity to not even create a plausible excuse is even worse."

Letting out a huge sigh, Xani threw her head back, letting out an annoyed groan. "Well, sorry, ____, not everyone is perfect and has everything figured out. Some of us are currently fighting demons."

You snorted, amusement battling with annoyance. "Demon? Do tell."

Xani pouted at your teasing tone before giving in, clearly wanting to rant. "Well, since you asked..." she mumbled, trailing off.

Taking a deep breath, the girl then stood up before slamming both hands on the table with a surprising amount of force. The sudden movement startled you, and you couldn't help but raise an eyebrow in surprise. "I fucking HATE people!"

"Don't we all?"

Xani rolled her eyes at you. "Not in your 'people are less than bugs' mentality," she countered. "I mean, they're just... really fucking exhausting."

You leaned back in your chair. "Well," you drawled, resting your chin on your hands, "since I know you're about to tell me anyways, go ahead."

Xani's lips twitched into a reluctant grin. With a resigned sigh, she launched into a detailed explanation of her current social struggles. "To start!" she exclaimed, slamming her laptop shut with a dramatic flourish. "Bitches have been on my ass about this ugly-ass Makima!Reader book!"

"Careful with your words, I am here—"

"Like my ass can't even build off the character!" she cut you off, voice laced with frustration. "I remember in the beginning of the book, literally the blurb," she continued, her voice rising in pitch, "people were spamming me with the 'Makima isn't like that' comments! Like, helllooo? It's a reader? And said reader is currently in a body not her own OR is going through puberty—a very hormonal and unexpected phase in life!"

"I suppose they may just—"

"And DON'T get me started on the fucking 'oh, does Y/N have brown skin? Was this in the diclaimer?' and 'I'll imagine her as having Makima from CSM skin tone, tee-hee' ass comments," Xani ranted, her voice rising in pitch, throwing her hands up in frustration. "Like, bro, I don't describe the skin tone/nor features outside of a few instances, literally once every 10 chapters! And the only reason I do this is to make it more immersive/give a little nod to POC readers who might appreciate seeing themselves in these stories. The only consistent details I mention are the eye and hair color because, well, it's a Makima!Reader, and those features are kind of her signature look from 'Chainsaw Man.'"

Xani slumped back into her chair, shaking her head. "But the way some people react, you'd think I was out here giving a full-on detailed OC every other page."

You let out a sympathetic hum, unsure of how to best respond. "Isn't that tough..." you offered tentatively.

Xani whipped her head around, her eyes narrowed. "You aren't being supportive!" she declared.

You raised an eyebrow, a playful smirk tugging at the corner of your lips. "Why must I be?" you countered. "You're the adult in this situation, not me."

Xani's jaw dropped, and her eyes widened in disbelief. "Adu—ADULT!?!" she screeched, her voice tinged with mock indignation. "I'm literally just nineteen! If anything, I'm just legal!"

"Almost twenty," you couldn't resist adding with a feigned cough.

Xani threw her hands up in the air, her expression a mixture of frustration and amusement. "You know what?" she huffed. "I didn't come here to get bashed by my own book character!"

"Bashing?" you countered, feigning innocence. "I'm merely stating observations..."

Xani wasn't buying it, scoffing. "Well, 'observe' your ass into fixing this shit! 'Cause if this shit keeps going, imma start tweaking for real."

"And tell me, why do you think I can fix this?" you asked, tilting your head in curiosity.

Xani's fiery rant dwindled into a sheepish mumble as she looked away from you. A beat of silence hung in the air before she mumbled, barely audible, "Cuz you're scary as hell..."

You sat there, processing her words for a moment. A slow smile spread across your face, amusement dancing in your eyes. "...Fair enough," you conceded, a hint of a chuckle escaping your lips.

Standing up, you stretched, your movements deliberate and graceful, before sauntering towards the imaginary fourth wall, turning your back on Xani and facing the readers directly.  A playful smile appeared on your face, but it didn't quite reach your eyes. "Good afternoon, you all," you greeted them, your voice pleasant but laced with a subtle edge.

The smile vanished as quickly as it appeared, melting into a stern expression. "Unfortunately, I'm not here to give you all more insight into my devious kind, but to relay a message from Xani, the author of this account and book." You paused for dramatic effect, raising an eyebrow. "It's a very long winded complaint, but I'll give you the abridged version: Stop complaining or you will get blocked."

A strangled yell erupted from behind you. "That is not what I said—"

Ignoring Xani's protest, you continued, your voice dripping with sarcasm. "Honestly, I don't know how she puts up with all of your negativity. I, personally, would never..."

Xani scoffed, interjecting again, "You literally got talked into wearing a hoe-ish cheerleading outfit, but go off."

Waving away her words with a dismissive hand, you addressed the readers once more. "She spends hours perfecting one chapter, yet the majority of the comments focus on what they don't like instead of what they do."

A pointed cough interrupted you, followed by a muffled, "cough, Skin tone, cough."

You shot Xani a withering look before turning back to the readers.  "Ignoring the unneeded adlibs for a moment," you said, your voice dripping with sarcasm. "I'm not sure why this is causing such a commotion. I'm not anything different than all the other Y/N books with 'pale skin' and 'pink blushing cheeks' descriptions. Honestly, it's giving me that those who are complaining are the individuals those fics cater to."

Your face dropped into a grimace at the audacity of many of the readers. "To be quite frank, Xani was just experimenting with using different skin tones, hair types, and features in the narrative to create something that includes everyone, especially those who often feel left out—one moment I'd have straight red hair and dark brown skin, and the next chapter, maybe I'd be pale with curls or kinky hair. She thought it’d be a unique approach, and wanted to play around with different descriptions to make the reading experience more varied. But it seems she was too naive in assuming people would understand her thought process."

She's trying to create something that includes everyone, especially those who often feel left out. If you can't appreciate that, then maybe this story isn't for you."

"Exactly!" Xani burst into the conversation, her voice brimming with a mixture of relief and frustration. "A lot of folks thought I was trying to create an OC or assign characteristics to the reader in a concrete way just because I gave Y/N some of the traits Makima had—like red hair and yellow eyes—but it really wasn't like that, at all!" She sighed, pulling on her bonnet it frustration. "When I gave the reader those characteristics, it was more about staying true to Makima's persona—keeping some of those defining traits that made her instantly recognizable. But I didn’t intend to make it feel like the reader had to fit a strict mold or be a specific character. I just wanted to build off the personality while still leaving room for flexibility."

"Seems like a tough miscommunication situation."

Xani groaned, rubbing her temples. "I thought mentioning the skin tone once in a while wouldn't be a big deal, but I was so wrong. And it's so weird because in my entire twelve years of reading, I've never saw anyone have an issue or complain about stuff like this! Yet the moment I add a few signifiers, THAT AREN'T EVEN BAD BECAUSE BASED ON MY STATISTICS THE MAJORITY OF MY READERS COME FROM POC COUNTRIES, all hell lets loose."

You smirked, clearly enjoying the frustration overcoming the author's face. "Hmm, looks like you're in a predicament," you drawled, your voice laced with amusement. "Whatever will you do?"

Xani sighed, her shoulders slumping in defeat. "It seems... Imma have to let my sister to handle it..."

You blinked in surprise. "Sister?"

"Yeah, sister," Xani confirmed. "I have a whole twin named K_nayee , and honestly, she's been in my ear for the longest about cussing the complainers out because, in her words, 'They shouldn't complain about shit! We been reading pale-ass Y/N's for years, they'll be aight with a lil color, if not they can go to hell.'" Xani sighed again, a hint of defiance creeping into her voice. "And honestly, she's right. I've been holding my tongue back, but I'm done, over it. "

"Hmm, seems your sister is a wise woman," you mused, a hint of respect in your voice.

"She's alright, or whatever," Xani conceded with a shrug. "But yeah. And if we can be real, she might be in my comments as we speak. She's been my moderator, replying to people and stuff, because I feel that if I come across too much negativity, Imma just scrap the entire thing. But I enjoy it too much to do it, so the task is on her."

"Well, looks like you've got everything figured out," you observed. "Anything to tell the readers before you go?" you asked, gesturing towards the fourth wall.

Xani nodded eagerly. "Yeah," she said, moving to stand beside you and facing the readers directly.  A genuine smile bloomed on her face. "To those that have done nothing but love my creation, thank you so much for the support. You guys are the reason I continue to push my delusional mind to the next level," she declared with heartfelt gratitude.

The smile then vanished, replaced by a fierce scowl.  "To the complainers," she began, her voice dripping with sarcasm, "learn to read and ask questions before being passive-aggressive. I really don't care if you don't like my little experiments because, at the end of the day, it wasn't even a focus of the story. Go outside and touch some grass before coming back in and creating your own stuff. It's 2024, pale Y/N's are out and the inclusive Y/N's are in...we exist out here. Alright, I guess that's all. Anything to say, ____?"

"No."

Xani chuckled awkwardly. "W-well, haha, guess that's all, bye!" she stammered, waving to the readers before collapsing back into her chair, a satisfied expression washing over her face.

She then glanced at you, a happy look on her face. "Wanna get some McDonalds?"

You roll your eyes, "Sure, but I'm not paying." With that, you both leave the room.

A/N: i wrote this because it seems a few of my readers got it confusedand obviously skipped past author's note/warning on my profile bio. I'M the author, you guys are just here for the ride. Don't get too comfortable when I'm allowing you all a peak into my world.

I've been lenient, but that stops when a few olf you go too far with the critiques. literally had to read through an entire thread being passive agressive about characters in the book. It's not my job to hold your hand and console you when something your read doesnt go the way you planned/liked.

Also, it's not the end of the world when reader-books have other signifiers besides 'pale skin'. If anything there should be NO complaints because every single individual in this world has melanin (the thing that gives us color) and if you feel like you're on the 'whiter than a piece of paper' end of the spectrum, go get some tanning lotion babes, cuz im not changing shit to cater to the exceptions.

other than that, this is my final warning to those who have done this these past few chapters/weeks, from this point on, you will be getting cussed out in the most disrespectful way AND i'm not deleting shit so every new reader can come across and see the bullshit you typed. See ya'll next update 😘❤️❤️

[widowinthealps011]

I'm having a mbti crisis (fucking again, yes). I've read a lot about the differences between infj and intp, ni dom vs ti dom and each cognitive function but my head is actually exploding with so much information, which I don't even know if it gives away something and I'm just not seeing it? I don't know if the way i perceive information is logical and analytical because I do feel that it is sometimes but then again I'm all about patterns and that seems to be a recurring word in the infj archetype. I've always felt that I'm both intuition and rational, I don't really know where one begins but I just sometimes notice things and my head feels like a whole world with information that seems so useless but I can't help to gather from every single place i'm in? I don't even know, on the other side, I'm not clear minded and intuition oriented in a Ni way?? my head is all over the place and sometimes the amount of possibilities (another key word for Ne) overwhelms me HORRIBLY, like it freezes me, but I end up shutting every logical part of me to decide because otherwise i will never move on. Also I'm very much in tune with other people and sometimes it's so overwhelming to feel what other people feel and to be so conscious of every subtext in a social gathering is EXHAUSTING which is why i need so much alone time.

And lastly, i am future oriented but I don't know if it's in a Ni or Ne way. Let me give an example. Just a few seconds ago I've decided that I'm going to try and not put so many personal things in my phone because I know that a lot of people get robbed at least once in their lifes and it's very dangerous out there, especially now, so if someone were to take away my phone, all the things I care about would not be there. How would i do that? Taking pictures and printing them, keeping a journal instead of my phone notes, erase messages sometimes, etc.

I feel like with everything i wrote here It's kinda obvious but it really isn't to me, if someone has a piece of advice i would really appreciate it

[skuppo]

Heyy skuppo I like your fanfic a lot and I’ve noticed u haven’t been online at all, u okay? I’m not trying to be pushy for a new chapter, sorry if it comes off that way. I was just wondering if your were alr?

Hi hello! It's very kind that you're reaching out here like this! 💖 It made me happy to see when I noticed, which admittedly took awhile (I'm so sorry!), because I have been very disconnected from everything lately!

This is kinda rambly so I'll give it a cut!

I am doing ALL RIGHT (right now, anyway, because before, I was doing TERRIBLY AHHHH like seriously some of the worst months of my life there for a bunch of stupid and also personally catastrophic reasons). I don't really want to get into all that because it's a huge bummer and it all REALLY SUCKED and I don't want to trauma dump! I'm sure I'll get into it a bit on my next author's note! BUT FEAR NOT, I'm not one of those people who gets upset even if people are like, "YO WHERE'S YOUR FIC" even if that was your intention -- long as it's respectful! It actually makes me more happy than anything to hear people still care about my story when I go into social hibernation mode 😭 selfishly my story means the world to me, so anytime anyone likes it, I'm like, yesssssss, my life is validated!

And on THAT front, I'm done with a chapter! I'm gonna do one quick and final pass-over edit and then it'll get posted tomorrow, either before or after work! (It's currently 11:00ish pm here in CST land, so expect it somewhere between like, idk, 8:30 AM and... 5? tomorrow??) Gonna take some brief time to ramble here because WHY NOT and also I AM ANXIOUS and gotta word vomit to STOP IT (it won't actually stop any of the anxiety BUT I CAN TRY) and am I really myself if I am not taking a short, sweet comment and using it to BLAB FOR DAYS???: it's not as long as my last couple of chapters because those 20k+ behemoths were exhausting as fuck to edit and really killed my drive to write. This is more my old style of 10-14k sorta chapters, and the one AFTER it is also actually written, too, it just needs a lot more editing. And then there's a TON of stuff after it I've also written too. In my long sabbatical, I basically let myself write scenes from parts of my fic as I was inspired to write them and not necessarily chronologically! This kinda resulted in me having TONS of shit written but nothing I could post, but it was also all I could really emotionally manage at the time. Between that and letting myself go back to smaller chapter sizes, I'm hoping it means I can go back to posting with a lot more regularity -- like, idk, once every week or two. I kept falling into this DUMB TRAP where I'd get anxious about a long portion of the story being more introspective/emotion-exploring than plot advancing and think, well, I have to hold on until I get some introspection AND some plot advancing moments, and that meant I'd end up with some INSANELY LONG CHAPTERS and editing those things made me really wanna walk directly into oncoming traffic. They were especially torture when I was NOT doing so hot on the brainmeat front, which is... OFTEN. Like who isn't emotionally and mentally a mess these days, the world is a DISASTER Anyway, long story short, I'm going to stop holding myself to arbitrary goals and allow myself to sometimes publish a chapter that's more about some horror-drenched domestic nightmare-fluff even if it doesn't have anything SUPER plot advancey at the moment because it's what makes me happy! AND HEY, character development is plot advancement too! (THAT'S WHAT I'M TELLING MYSELF ANYWAY AHHHH)

(In actuality I feel like I'm constantly terrified I'm letting the 20 people who consistently read my stuff down, but I gotta like, try really really hard to NOT think about that, HNNGH.)

I really think it'll be better for everyone tho. I'm more motivated to write when things don't take me a month and a half, because when it takes me a month and a half to write ONE CHAPTER I want to take a 7 year sabbatical not only from writing, but from life. I don't tend to get near as exhausted churning through smaller chapters though! Also, I hope you're reading on Ao3 and NOT FF.net cause I probably won't be posting there immediately! This chapter gets more overtly sexual than previous ones and I know FF.net isn't down for that so I gotta... find some way to edit it so it's not as heinous? Which is like HALF THE POINT OF THE CHAPTER, so I'm concerned! 🫠 Not that FF.net has any moderation anymore, but y'know, just in case! PS - for the anon who sent me the ask asking when the fic was getting updated sometime in mid January, the answer is: TOMORROW! <3

[cal-daisies-and-briars]

I’m going to try to read this blind but I am excited about it so I must request 🌕 1k with no rush

I’m like low-key terrified, I’ve been avoiding snippets your posting I have also seen like single lines of what other people are speculating just because of the way that my notifications are set up… I have so many emotions 😂😂

AHHH thank you!!! I am glad it's giving you emotions. That's my main goal.

---

Buck knows he’s going to have to go to this restaurant. He’s going to have to confront her in person. But before he does, he exhausts his other options. He searches all over for her on social media. He doesn’t find a single profile. Not that she couldn’t use a pseudonym or something, but there’s no trace of a Hazel Evans that looks like her. He Googles her. Nothing. He knows a lot of the survivors of the plane crash gave interviews after the fact, but none link back to her. Though, she was a minor at the time. So that makes sense. 

The next thing he does is call Athena. 

“Hi, Buck. How’s the baby?” She answers. 

“Perfect,” he replies. “She’s perfect. That’s why I need your help.”

“You need my help with a perfect baby?” She asks.

“No, I…” Buck sighs. “This is gonna sound weird.”

“Well, that’s not new.” 

Fair enough.

“Okay, can you access the flight manifests from the Keystar jet crash?”

There’s a pause from the other end of the line. 

“The one I was on?” 

Are there many more? God, remind him not to book any flights with them. 

“Yeah,” Buck says. “That one.”

“Theoretically, I could pull some strings. Why?” 

“I can’t explain it, but it has to do with Maisy. And a woman who… Who claims she was on the flight, but might be… I don’t know, following me? Keeping tabs on me? Or Maisy? It’s hard to explain.”

“Are you in trouble, Buck?” 

“No. I don’t think so. I just… I want to know what we’re dealing with, for Maisy.”

“For Maisy,” Athena repeats. “Okay, I’m going to trust you here, for the baby. You want to confirm whether or not this woman was on the flight?” 

“Yeah,” Buck says. “Thank you, Athena.”

“Okay, what’s her name?” 

“Hazel Evans,” Buck answers. “She was on the girls’ soccer team, or so she says. Probably born between 2007 and 2009.”

“Evans? That’s weird.” 

“That’s what I thought,” Buck admits. 

“Well, it may take me a few days to get back to you,” Athena explains.

“Not a problem. Thank you again.”

“You’re welcome,” she says. “If you really are being followed, you call me.” 

“I will,” he says. “Promise.”

🌕

The dreams start again within a week of Maisy coming home. Which kind of sucks for Eddie. He's been enjoying having her so much. 

Not that the dreams ruin it. They just… Complicate it. They really complicate it. Buck may have been fair to be concerned, not that Eddie will admit it. It’s not that he’s second guessing their decision to bring her home. To hopefully adopt her one day. He’s not. Only… The dreams make him worry. They make him worry that there’s some version of him that would be a bad father to her. Because the good dream he’d had before she arrived? It’s the only one of its kind. 

🌙

“Eddie, I need you to wake up,” Buck says. 

Eddie rolls over in the bed, drags the covers above his head.

Buck rips them off of him, in an odd reverse of an old scene played out.

“Honey, I know. I get it. But I need you to be awake and alert for just half an hour.”

“Fuck off,” Eddie grumbles.

It’s so out of line. It’s so unnecessary. He knows that it is. There’s literally no reason he can’t be gentler to the man he loves, the man who loves him, his husband, who has held everything together while Eddie unravels more and more every day.

He hears Buck sigh. Long-suffering. Saint Buck.

“Eddie, I need to work,” Buck says. “One of us needs to work. So you need to watch our daughter for half an hour. Then Maddie will take her, okay?”

Eddie doesn’t reply. 

He doesn’t even twitch.

Eventually, Buck huffs again. He hears him unlock his phone, type something.

“Hey, Hen,” he says after a moment. “Yeah, I’m going to be half an hour late.”

🌒

Two days after he reached out to her, Athena calls Buck back with news. 

“Did you find her?” Buck asks. 

“No,” Athena replies. “I’m sorry, Buck. There was no one on that flight by the name Hazel Evans. None of the passengers born between 2005 to 2015 even had either of those names. I expanded the age range to be sure. She wasn’t on the flight.” 

“Why would she say she was?” Buck asks, frustrated. “She said I helped her. She said… I mean, she offered that detail to me. Knew I was a firefighter.”

“I don’t know,” Athena says. “But you need to be careful. Especially if you think she has interest in Maisy.” 

“What do you mean?” Buck asks, worried. 

Maisy is asleep in her bedroom, but Buck has the urge to go hover over her like a guard dog. He’s barely even had her. Barely even loved her. And he feels a bone deep need to protect her. 

“The flight manifest got me curious,” Athena says. “So I did some digging.” 

“Oh?” Buck asks. 

“There is one Hazel Evans living in Los Angeles. Two living in California,” Athena says. 

“Okay,” Buck replies. Is this the point where she drops some sort of heinous criminal record bomb?

“The latter is a thirty-five year-old woman in Oakland,” Athena says. “With three children, in fact.”

“Yeah, not her,” Buck sighs. 

“And the other was born in 1934.” 

“Oh.”

“I’m sorry, Buck. The Hazel Evans you’re looking for doesn’t exist. That’s not really her name.” 

🌙

“Daddy?” Maisy asks. 

Eddie doesn’t even turn his head in her direction. 

“Daddy,” she whines.

He wants to look at her. He does. That’s the thing. That’s what makes all of this so terrible. He doesn’t want to feel like this. He doesn’t want to be like this. He knows what he’s doing, and he hates it, and he can’t stop it. 

[yutaholic]

Thank you for even making that post because I honestly feel like I’m going to explode!! Championing every issue is EXHAUSTING. I have such empathy fatigue. Bombardment of “rules”, behavioral guidelines, services, companies, networks + food brands & PEOPLE to boycott ALL THE TIME. Fandom is space many of us come to unplug from reality…it’s certainly my hyperfixation & ppl be like “well then get another one because you shouldn’t support–” IT DOESN’T WORK LIKE THAT. Fuck. I can’t take it anymore. Calls to action being in EVERY single place have weakened my mental state even more than it was before which was already on “pending disability” level of severe & now I’m just. burned t-absolute-f out….at everything!! I can literally FEEL myself unraveling. Kpop stans & their toxic activism can go to hell. They’re so worried about making sure to condemn others for “not doing enough” or being bad people, that they don’t even realize their actions are making them into bad people. This shit takes a toll on mental health, there is science behind this, it is real and what happens to human beings when inundated with constant terrible news, and it’s not just being ~too privileged to care~ but these performative mfs have no concept of blacklisting anymore and just want to assume the absolute worst about someone, call them names & wish harm on folks who are at the end of their ropes! It’s maddening! So even if compassion fatigue isn’t why you didn’t go out of your way to Denounce and Drag™️ him (bc you totally have the right to simply not want to do that on a fanfic blog!) I’m just glad someone else stated that this is supposed to be an ESCAPE. fuck.

Baby, burnout will fuck you up. Don't do that to yourself. Take the time you need and recoup. Life is a constant war and you can afford to lose a battle here and there to focus on your own health and well-being. Getting yourself back into a good place mentally will be a huge win. We both know the ppl obsessed with performative activism aren't doing anything from a place of compassion. The real ones are out there making change, not sending people death threats online from the comfort and safety of their mommy's basement.

When I posted the pic of NCT Dream and Big Time Rush, I wrote in the tags how BTR was something my sister and I loved and bonded over. We watched the show even though it was obviously a kids show and we were both adults. It was just something that gave us joy. My sister passed away years ago and anything BTR-related will make me teary because I think about how much we laughed together over it.

So the first thing I get are messages over how problematic BTR is, that I should delete the post or I'm pro-genocide if I don't dislike them. Ngl that made me so upset because I got a bunch of faceless people trying to taint some precious memories of me and my sister. If they came at me trying to educate me on things I didn't know that would be different, but it's straight to judgment and hatred toward me over something I posted that was totally innocent.

Meanwhile I get criticized for posting about a kpop group instead of reblogging every call to action post. I donate my money to these causes, but I don't post about it because I don't need my ass kissed for doing what I know to be right. I am 1000% sure the anons in my inbox that try to police me have never given a dime to anything, but are policing people's blogs for not reblogging posts or talking about it more.

I feel bad that I haven't been very active on here this year so I try to come on when I have some free time to interact with you guys. I make a silly post about Doyoung and get anons tearing into me for it like I'm his social media manager. Okay so because the world is going to shit we aren't allowed to enjoy anything?? Can't make jokes about anything. Can't show support for anything. Just wrong on every fucking count.

Believe me I am so goddamn aware of how lucky I am that I can sit here and say I'm very privileged that I live comfortably in the life I have. I know what's going on in the world and I do my part to help where I can, but I also have to keep functioning. I don't want every minute of my life to be seeped in anger, I did that for a long time and it not only eats away at you, it makes you ineffective in actually changing the things making you angry in the first place.

This was just supposed to be a blog where I posted my stories. One of the few places I could go and not constantly be reminded of how fucked up the world is. I've always said that people who told me reading a fic of mine made their day a little better or helped them escape for a bit were always my favorite. That was what I came here for and I loved being able to share the tiniest moments of peace and quiet with others through stories with guaranteed happy endings.

I'm frustrated because I have 4 drafts ready to go next year. I got the story posts done and made all the headers. But I don't want to post them. I have no problem admitting I'm selfish and spiteful. Even though I can turn off anon, I can't block these miserable people and I don't want them reading my stuff. They don't get to consume my content and then tell me to off myself right after.

A massive fuck you to those of you that ruined this blog for me.

[nukenai]

Sorry for another huge post but I am having a mental breakdown from overstimulation due to People lately.

Today I tried to have a day to hang out with my family, and I was bombarded with messages by my friend who lives at the care home because she was having an "emergency". Apparently something went wrong with the air stone in her turtle tank and it splashed water everywhere and the water level was low. I already had her messages muted because she was constantly bothering me (to be like "hey what's up"' then go "must be a busy day haha!" when I didn't respond within 45 minutes)

She told me the 24/7 staff in the home are "too lazy" to help her with the water. So I had to leave my sister's house to go fill this woman's turtle's tank with water. She guilted me into it by saying "you said you would help me with ANYTHING" (I told her I would help her if I could. I had spent 20 minutes telling her I couldn't today.) and "I've been in a depressive episode" (she knows I suddenly lost one of my beloved pets a couple days ago). She also has "absolutely no one else" who can help her. Again, I did not volunteer to be her 24/7 on call assistant. She has a house full of staff and apparently hates all of them and thinks they're all lazy and stupid.

So I told her that I would help her, but that I'm done doing it. I'm done being "nice" and bringing her coffee at 7pm because she was "really craving one" and asked me to go out of my way to get one. I've known this woman for like a month and I've already used my Amazon prime for her, adjusted the height of a difficult shelf for her, bought her coffee, ordered her a couple things and not asked for money bc I know she's on a very limited budget, and now lugged multiple tanks of water across a house for her.

And all through this, my coworker texted me. On a Sunday afternoon. saying "hey you were clearly in a bad mood on Friday so I'm just checking on you!!!"

I was in a bad mood because the day before, she was yapping at me all day about the fucking podcasts she listens to, and dropped a paragraph describing child abuse with no warning, and I told her I don't want to hear shit like that. Immediately the next morning she was like "hey checking to see if you're feeling better!", and that was the day after TYCHO DIED SUDDENLY, so I told her I don't want to talk. She said "okay, I'll give you space but I'm here if you need me!" I said okay. Thanks.

And then she bothers me on the weekend to CHECK ON ME.

I'm friendly with her. I like her. But I've told her multiple times "hey I need to focus on work, please stop narrating your tasks to me", and have gone through 14 "damn that's crazy"s a day in response to her "Reddit story" podcast summaries. We went to a reptile expo together and it was super nice! She's cool!

But she talks to me more than anyone else in my life combined. I get 8 straight hours of interaction with her every day. I do not also want texts from you on the weekend "checking on" me if I have told you I need space from socializing. We originally exchanged numbers because it's easier to send pet pictures that way than doing it through the work chat so we don't have to email them or whatever. But now I get pics like every other day of her cats just fucking sitting there and she's like "haha the cats are on the couch!" And on top of everything else I am just so exhausted.

It sounds crazy to be annoyed by people liking and wanting to interact with me. But being asked for constant life and pet updates at like 9am every Monday is starting to make me feel insane. I am tired and burned out, these friendships are starting to feel like fucking CHORES.

For once I just want people to talk to me normally. Not asking me favors, not needing a fucking therapy session, and not to "check on me" multiple times when I have explicitly asked for quiet and space bc this is the 200th message I've received from you in 5 days.

I don't speak to people I've known for 20 years HALF as much as this coworker talks to me. Just because I don't have a family or kids doesn't mean I want every fucking moment of my free time taken up by people texting me and needing me to come to their house multiple times a week to help them with shit.

My free time is not for rent just because you don't have any other fucking friends. That is not my fault or my problem or my responsibility. I'm sorry you have absolutely nothing else going on in your life.

Maybe it's a monkeys paw thing bc I've said "man I wish I was ever a first choice in someone else's life" but this is not someone else putting me first. This is people constantly bothering me despite my wishes bc they have no one else. This is absolutely not what I mean lol. Getting this much shit from a significant other would be overwhelming especially when I've already said LEAVE ME ALONE PLEASE.

I've only been regularly talking to this coworker of mine since like, last year. And I've only known this new friend of mine since last month. This shit is crazy and I am exhausted.

I'm not completely insane right??? Like oh my god. I'm so fucking tired and this is just TWO PEOPLE doing this to me.

Luckily, my one friend who refused to engage in actual conversation with me and instead sent me 15+ Instagram reels to watch every single day finally stopped that shit after I told him to stop (for the FOURTH TIME).

Baby steps I guess

TLDR idk how I keep winding up as someone's Only Friend but the entirety of your desire for companionship cannot fall onto one person. Please have more than one person to talk to bc if you don't I guarantee that person is going slightly insane!!!!

The audacity to be like "I'm in a depressive episode which means you should feel bad and help me with something insane" while not even remotely considering the other person may not be doing great even though they're not broadcasting it all over the fucking internet.

[zephyr-bazaar]

Intro??

Hi! My name is Draconia and this is my BokuMono Blog (TM) I like and follow from @octahyde!!

Bokumono is my all time, number one favorite series with absolutely zero exceptions. It always has been and always will be the one single most important media to me in my entire life. I got into the series in 2007 and have played almost every game since. This series is such a comfort that when I’m struggling my therapist literally prescribes me to play one of these games.

The only games I haven’t played are the GBC games (I own one of them though), 64, Back To Nature (played every ver of the mineral town games besides it), Save the Homeland/Hero of Leaf Valley (I have the latter but don’t have a good psp. Tfw. I know this makes my pfp very ironic but listen what me and Dia have is So Real.) and Sunshine Islands because I was less than fond of IoH.

I have played every other game in the series besides that! Of those, the only games I actively dislike are Pioneers of Olive Town and Island of Happiness (besides Pierre). I’m good to talk about literally any other game in the series though!!

This series is what got me to draw, write, make plushies, AND cosplay. Igusa Matsuyama to this day is my biggest artistic inspiration.

As for some more info:

My favorite games are Magical Melody, Grand Bazaar, and Trio of Towns.

Of those three, Magical Melody is my favorite. It was the first game in the series I ever played, and will always be the most special to me. No matter what. Thanks to a very cherished person in my life, I even have a disc signed by Yasuhiro Wada himself framed in my apartment. It’s probably my most prized personal, non heirloom possession.

My favorite bachelorettes are Dia, Vivi, and Agate.

My favorite bachelors are Ivan, Nadi, and Chase.

My favorite ship in the series is Jamie/Tina. Babby’s first queer ship…

My favorite crop is tea leaves. Idk if that one is random but my farms are like 95% crops and like a sheep or two so I feel like I should say it becausef I go all fucking in on crops. It’s insane how hard I go on crops dude. I like minmax crops.

I also have a beloved OC X Canon ship The YuzuWren. They have over 100 hours in my copy of 3oT. I’ll link to a post infodumping all about them when I write it!!

I also have an OC x Canon ship in SoS1 (The MistLand), but that one isn’t as special even if it’s just as developed (also they haven’t gotten married yet when The YuzuWren have. Roland’s taking it slow.) I’m also considering making an OC x Canon file in ANB for Felicia just to round out the 3DS games.

My only real DNI is please, for the love of god, do NOT bring up Stardew Valley to me or on my posts. I never have, and never will have any desire to ever play it, and I am exhausted for it being brought up every time someone discusses a series 20 years older than it. Also while minors are fine to follow here, please do not follow my main account. It’s nothing personal, I just don’t want minors on that account. Tumblr is the only social media I talk to people under 21-22 to begin with.

Other farm sims besides Stardew are okay, though! I will likely also discuss Fields of Mistria and Snacko on here! I’m also in desperate need to play Cult of the Lamb, but that’s more fitting for my main blog than here, lol.

I think that covers everything!!!!

[feral-creep]

y’all i just…. AAAAAH

vent about work and creativity and grief incoming

ever since my mom got sick i had to give up my more lucrative “career” day hustle (video editing) and pick up night shifts at a bar. and like. it’s a college dive bar, so the tips are not great.

this particular dive bar is known around the community as the hardest place to work, and the reputation is not for nothin’:

the average server at a normal place has a 4-5 hour shift and covers 3-5 tables. WE, on the other hand, work 10-12 hour shifts with zero mandated breaks and cover 8-10 tables, many of which can seat 8-10 people at a time.

it is exhausting work that has kept me in amazing shape and has kept my sanity during the grieving process… but it’s undeniably hard as fuck.

and i feel like i’m constantly just treading water, not making enough to fully get rid of my credit card debt and move out of this shithole town… i could make so much more money serving in chicago…

yet i’m never working so little as to be able to actually, y’know, write

BUT. but. the job is not why i don’t create as much. the job is not the reason.

the reason is my own dumb brain and my own dumb shame about not being a “responsible” member of society, not being “where i should be” or “where i thought i would be” at 36 years old.

because that concept? it is bullshit. even though my peers who i used to work with in video are all flourishing, it doesn’t matter—they did not have a terminally ill mother living in bumfuck college town of nowheresville, midwaste! so what if they are now getting deals with HBO! that sort of life was maybe never in the cards for dirtbag little ol me!

and also, since like WHEN did i ever care about being a dirtbag loser anyway? being a dirtbag loser is punk rock as fuck????

i am trying to force myself out of thinking that creative pursuits are a “luxury” that must only be pursued once Everything Responsible Has Been Completed—because frankly i don’t even do that shit anyway!!! lmao (what ends up happening is that i spend 5 hours on social media, 0 hours doing laundry, and also 0 hours writing)

so maybe like, fuck twitter, fuck instagram, fuck frittering away my life 5 minutes at a time trying to convince myself i’m totally going to get up and sort thru the mail, and just. do the things i like doing. because THAT is punk as fuck.

basically i’m coming to the conclusion that i have been flailing around trying to escape a situation i am trapped in by being “responsible”—diligent with my money, a good little worker bee, etc etc—and like, very obviously not succeeding, so i might as well live “selfishly” (i.e. creatively)

when i’m dead no one’s gonna be like “feral creep touched our lives by being so on top of her laundry and having a very organized pile of receipts”

no, no they will not!

i still get comments every week or two from readers about how much [save scum] means to them, and fuck if i don’t want to somehow adapt portions of this story and Lethe so she can resonate with even more people outside this fandom…

after, of course, i finish the fic. lmao.

[empresskaze]

buckle up there’s a lot /lh (no pressure to answer all!!)

for viktor (especially mage viktor!!):

3, 5, 8, 10, 12, 13, 14, 15

im hyperfixated and u write him rlly well

OK FUNNY STORY ANON! I decided to switch from mobile to desktop since it's always easier for me to answer meme asks using an actual keyboard. I went to log out of my normal main so I could log into this and instead fell down a Mage Viktor tag hole for like 10 solid minutes XD

Again massive spoilers to follow (this is gonna be fucking looooong I love it!)

3 What's your favorite canon moment with this character?

Answered here for Viktor but for MV specifically, I mean his entire reveal in epi 9 honestly, god I wish he had more screen time. But breaking down that scene alone, I didn't notice this until someone on social media pointed it out but right before MV looks a Jayce he almost turns away. He knows it's Jayce, he's known for god knows how long and he still almost decided not to fully look at him because I can't imagine how hard it must have been for him. And then...AND THEN, his eyes change from the colorless white of the arcane back to his gold when he sees Jayce (even tho it's not HIS Jayce). I am a sucker for microexpressions and how MV's eyes take in all of Jayce before he speaks and you even see him go to say something but pauses just for the briefest of moments because he's seeing Jayce again. He loves him so much. There's a beautiful line in He/re At The E/nd of Thi/ngs, where MV is preparing what he's gonna say to Jayce and when he finally sees him the line is something like "he does what he should have done from the start. He tells Jayce he loves him but he doesn't say I love you because that isn't enough" or something like that but you get the idea. MV has had so long to reflect on everything but he needs Jayce to succeed so his Jayce can finally be saved. He tells him he loves him in the only way Viktor ever could.

5 What's your favorite whump trope to use for this character and why?

For both V and MV it's colds. Im a simple person, Im a coldfucker to my core. I want to wreck both of them with an absolutely terrible one >8D

8 Describe your ideal whump scenario for this character.

I mean read any of my fics and I think you'll see what I like doing to him xD For MV just the idea of him being sick and having no one to take care of him so he has to suffer by himself. I'm not gonna go to into detail because I eventually plan on writing this for him.

10 What would devastate them the most, emotionally speaking?

For Viktor . For MV easy, everytime his plan to save everything failed. Can you imagine him FINALLY figuring out, okay if I start this plan, I can make up for everything Ive done! Jayce will stop me, Jayce will save me.....and then having to watch every single timeline he went to fail over and over again? I remember someone once saying how many times MV must have tried helping Jayce in the cave only to realize after so many failed attempts, that he couldn't. He couldn't do anything except fuck with Jayce's mind to keep him on task. How many time he probably watched Jayce not kill Herald V and join the commune instead. Or Jayce not surviving the fall at all???? People have stated MV is cold and distant but he HAD to be. He's stuck in the worlds worst Groundhog Day scenario. He had to show Jayce what will happen to his Viktor if he fails. But god that poor baby had to endure that all himself for....I don't even what to think how long he was alone.

12 How do they act when sick/injured? Is it obvious or do they hide it well?

For Viktor. I feel MV would totally lie to his Jayce about how he's feeling. On days where he's just exhausted from timeline jumping. As his body ages even if he's not totally human, it still feels aches and pains. But he tells his Jayce he's fine.

13 What are their coping mechanisms, good and bad?

I think any version of Viktor one of his bad coping mechanisms is just denial. Maybe not like full on but that, oh it's not that bad I can still work. Guy lives with chronic pain, he knows how to just be like yep bad pain day, oh well gotta push through. Viktor is a workaholic, working distracts him from everything so as long as he focused on that he can ignore everything else. For MV specifically I feel one of his major good(?) ones (maybe bad depending how you see it) was talking to his Jayce. Telling him stories, remembering their time together, hearing Jayce's voice in his head, cuz no matter how much time passed he never forgot that voice.

14 How is their mental health, generally speaking?

I'm only gonna answer this one for MV. BAD. I cannot imagine the denial he was going thru back when he was still MHV and maybe not quite ready to accept Jayce was.... whatever statue Jayce is (Again HatEoAT fic takes a fascinating look at this side of MHV). Denial slowly morphing into realization and then acceptance but that doesn't help because you're the person who brought on the end of the world but even more than that...your partner is gone. The only person who truly cared about you is a decaying husk hexcorized statue (good lord I might use that line in a fic). Yeah I can't believe is mental state was anywhere near good after everything went to shit.

15 Who do you like to see hurting them, if anyone?

LOL the only person who I like seeing hurt Viktor is himself (or me muahahha) For all the reasons listed above. He's the king of self hate for a good majority of the 2nd half of s1 and ALLLLL of s2 even if his H/MH versions are numb to it. I mean isn't that why he wanted to suppress his emotions to start with??? Baby needs a therapist that isn't a sentient toxic glowing purple orb.

THANK YOU ANON FOR LETTING ME GUSH ABOUT VIKTOR AND MV!!

[firstyok]

Just have to put it here, does First have extra muscles in his face or what?? How does he have sooooo many expression even he just like doing nothing with his face?? Like how?? He can literally be anyone with that gift ( and he uses that well)

Hello Broo!! So, I've had to suffer for a long time, processing what to write for your ask, because I've A LOT TO SAY, and I don't know how to start. Let me sum this up!

First's facial expression is the biggest aspect that makes him such an excellent actor! All of the characters that he has played, each and every one of them had an individual presence, aura, demeanor, and a purpose to portray. First does thag successfully every time.

Be it Alan from MLC - Have you seen the rage, frustration and coldness in his eyes? He could just walk in a room, and I'll start trembling down in my knees. His presence is enough to make me stop breathing because I'll be scared asf.

Be it Akk from Eclipse - His eyes, facial movements, and skin palpitations, everything screams a boy who is always suppressing his emotions, trying his best every fucking day, to be someone, others could be proud of. He is devasted and exhausted with all the burden and responsibilities, and yet constantly holds back, tightly at the edge of losing it all. First depicts all of this just by a single gaze, and you'll know his story.

Be it Yok from Not Me - The subtle flirtatious smiles, the slutty eye gazes, the predatory vibe to chase, the cheeky rebellious social activist - First Kanaphan was a literal whore package here, and I am all down for that! He can just look at me, and I'll be like, "FUCKK". Do I need to say anything more?

Be it Kim from The Shipper - Probably the most ideal show to watch if you want to discover this man's true potential. Countless versatile expressions, muscle movements, being the soul of a literal female while he himself is a male, everything he did is chef's kiss. Whether for comedy, body swapping, or even boys love plot - First has slayed all of them on a God-tier level.

To Conclude;

You're right, anon!! First is blessed with this gift of skillfully using his facial expressions, something not many actors can do! First invents expressions that I didn't even know existed! He is that much versatile, and if you haven't seen his works, you won't get how much of a treasure he is!