#i am exhausted from fucking up every social everything

[flamingo--ing]

mm

[seventh-district]

IT’S FISH DAY IT’S FISH DAY IT’S FISH DAY

[strawberryvanillafrosting]

success life story ♡

heyy i'm here to share about my success story, the beginning is only before i started manifesting and about when i just started, all my success are on the very end of the blog, so feel free to skip directly at it if you're not interest by all the rambling !

have a good read ☆

michiko is so pretty, i've literally been told so many times i looked liker <3

the old story that i don’t live in anymore

okay so before i didn’t hate my life, at all, but i just found very dull and so poor of entertaining like it was just too fucking regular and repetitive.also a bit depressing. i thought of myself of such an unlucky girl before and i was like affirming all the fucking time that i was unlucky and guess what? everything really used to go the way i didn’t want it to go every single damn time and i’d be like i knew it im so unlucky boo-hoo.

same for the money i would just go every single fucking day rambling to my friends how poor i was and how i wanted money so bad and the same story every single fucking for days, weeks, months.

i really wanted a new appartement and my own room cause i used to share same room as my sister and it really was getting on my nerves, i had no privacy and place for myself. the apartment was small, my mum always kept complaining about it and then she would argue about my dad about it but the reason why we couldn’t move out despite trying for several months was cause my dad had whole lotta debts and my mom had a really low paying and hard job she was exhausted and, it was quiet hard to see them being this unhappy and they still tried their hardest to make us happy so i really wanted to get back at them.

about social life i had very few friends and barely went out, i'd say probably one time a month. and i really wanted to get that life of the party, and those big ass friends group and also i was crazy desperate about having black friends cause i am black and literally the only black out here without none of black friends and i felt pretty left out like wtf am i the only black girl with no black friends cause all of them (that's so dumb tho.. ) were friends and gets invited to the most fun hangouts and i was embarrassingly jealous of that and also complained a lot about it…and kept asking tf was wrong with me.

STRONGLY on this one : i wanted a relationship so bad and i kept hating and being sad to those couple on tiktok’s. one time i actually cried cuz i wanted a boys’s love so bad like i was craving it so bad. i was in such despair state before..cringy ahh ☠️

i used to be rlly insecure about my looks too even tho at some moments i felt more confident, i kept comparing myself and waisting dozens of minutes enumerating my "flaws ". i knew about manifestation but not really about law of assumption , for me manifesting was really all about listening to subliminals, method and scripting. we all once knew that phase yeah? i used to manifest from time to time but then would just give up again,since i was not seeing results and so on. so useful wow.and then there’s the others things like mediocre grades, poor family health, just constant tiredness and fatigue feeling,

tw : mention of being depressed,sh,ed, : felt empty like life had absolutely no meaning, suicidal thoughts, tried to end by over-consumption of medication, self-harm and bulimia, constant complaining and NEGATIVE ONLY mindset.

but now, NOW i tell you ever single thing i’ve just listed changed completely like every single damn thing i’ve just listed is no more, it’s out of the date, dead, buried and no longer existing !

it clicked

then at some point at my life i was just like. yk what? fuck i just wanna change it all. then i really like really  got into it all over again and for good. no more 1 week i try then giving up cause i ain’t seeing no « results ».

i watched hours and hours of ppl talking about loa (i’m not saying you should do this at all it’s just that i was very under-informed and wanted to know everything about loa)on youtube, shoutout to rita kaminski and hyler who really put me into it and informed me. then i started reading neville’s pdf books, and tumblr blogs, kinda overconsuming but i liked getting myself informed.

and then that’s where everything started and that i got aware of all the power i actually hold. all the things i actually can do just cause of my mind. i wrote down all my wishes in present tense ,like every single aspect i wanted to change/have in my life. and i started fully living in the end like really got myself into and at first of course, wavering from time to time in the beginning. it was pretty easy for me since i was used to manifestation.but what i didn’t do before is persist no matter what and that’s what was really tricky for me in the beginning to persist no matter what and not just give up to bullshit 3D. but when i kept moving forward no matter the 3D and made it facts the only my 4D matters and everything has already happened, ALL and every single wish down to the last one flowed into my life. ONE by ONE every single hour of the day i would get my manifestations down to the last letter i wrote in my notes.every single thing

success storyy

in a matter of few weeks like really 3 week-ish like- 1 month max.

starting off LUCK i’m extremely lucky now every single time i play gambling activities i win. i’ve won insane amounts at scratch cards i think i’ve won in total more than 5’000$. JUST FROM SCRATCH CARDS.and before i started i NEVER EVER WON. now whenever i play there’s not one time that i’ll win absolutely nothing even just a small prize

won huge lottery prize (from 200 to 12k the biggest i’ve won yet)

winning a gambling games, either online or dice rolling luck,bets, bingos etc.. its literally insane every one keep telling that i literally has got god’s blessing (i’m the god guys🥰)

financially freedom, my parents upgraded jobs and i’ve got lots of incomes + the money my parents give me 

all the debts my dad had, he got rid of ALL of them and when i tell you mf had a lot of em☠️

move out in a new huge ass condo which is a duplex (like really like i wrote it it’s actually scary how powerful we are..) I’VE FINALLY GOT MY OWN ROOM and we’re getting my desired furnitures and decorating the house i’m so grateful

friends and popularity i think biggest shock for me is really this. like my social life has gone from very paisible to completely fully booked and passioning life. like seriously i’ve been to more parties, concerts, birthdays, and hangouts during the last 2 weeks holidays than in my entire life

got lot of new friends, healthy relationships and quality time passed on lots of fun activities and sm memories

black groups friend. WITH AN S.so thankful to myself to be this good a manifestation i litteraly got into a black friend group of girls and i’ve never felt more at my place and understood this much. and these girls know the black group boys (when i tell you that 2y ago they were the person that i wanted to be close with so bad..also they’re really hot and funny lol)so we hung out with them and i was literally so highlighted and became pretty much friends with all of them !! 

my man. HELLO I LITERALLY MANIFESTED MY DREAM RELATIONSHIP? when i met him i didn’t actually realize right on the spot that he was exactly how i wanted him to be and reading back to when i scripted out all the things i wanted at the beginning, everything matched. he’s literally physically and mentally the man of my dream LIKE REALLY. we’re no bf and gf YET cause it’s just a little soon but we see each others super often and we have the best relationship ever i swear it’s giving wattpad. the flirting is crazyyy.

dream bod.from head to toe my desired body. heavy on the lower body all for that azz and wide hips.ive got smooth and clear skin and smell good all the time!! litteraly flawless face + got my braces which suits so much and dimples

plenty of vacations (went to ibiza, usa and dubai )

lenient parents they use to be so strict before i swear its crazy they let me go so easily now, i can hangout without asking 3 days ,like they accept even if i've gotta go in the next hour or if wanna go on trip that's in another country. i can come back home so much later too

attractive & magnetic aura + being really charismatic (everyone i met keep telling me i’ve got this thing that really makes them want me, get closer to me)

good grades without doing much

perfect self-concept - as i kept living 24/7 in the state of wish fulfilled, my self concept only got better making me really know what i’m worth and never wavering/ going back to the old story

whole ass pc set up

all of my desired skincare/makeups/shoes/clothes

and so much more...

outro

i hope y'all liked my blog and that it motivated some of you to NEVER GIVE UP cause y'all are reallyy some powerful mfs and y'all already got all of yours desires !!

˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ honey kisses, shayama

[buckyalpine]

A little longer

HI MY BEAUTIFUL 🐚ANON!! I adore this so much, I adore YOU so much, as always, your requests are everything!! 

Warnings: So so much fluffy fluff, angst if you really squint till your eyes go cross-eyed and blurry

-

"It's been decades. Not even a couple years. Almost a century. You probably shoot dust. Or whatever your bionic ass reproduces with"

Bucky contemplated throwing his half finished milkshake at Sam's head while they both scarfed down burgers from a late night diner after a taxing mission. Sam was pestering Bucky yet again about his nonexistent social and lack of a love life, a topic he seemed to get high off of. 

“For fucks sake Sam-”

"You need to get out more man, at least start dating. You don't need a whole girlfriend but a few dates wouldn't kill you. Or maybe it would, since you're what, 106?"

Bucky groaned, rubbing a hand over his face, his patience wearing thin. Dating wasn’t for him, not because he didn’t want to date but because he wasn’t sure who would even date him. He’d only just gotten comfortable talking to Sam though he’d never openly admit he actually enjoyed their conversations. He wasn’t exactly the most approachable, Peter had once told him he had a resting bitch face, whatever that meant. He wasn’t the most tech savvy unless it involved doing something illegal. He had a plethora of devices that could take down the US government at the push of a button he secrecy hoarded under his bed but God forbid someone ask him to pose for their Instagram story.  

Talking to a pretty girl was a completely different story. What would he even talk about? His time before the war involved a lot of nursing an injured or sick Steve back to health. After the war and his time in Hydra, he didn’t really have time for himself. He liked plums. The hobbit. He was thinking about getting a cat. Bucky internally groaned, maybe he’d find a girlfriend at the retirement home down the street; at least they’d have things in common. 

Sam cocked an eyebrow while Bucky narrowed his eyes at him. Usually he’d respond with a grumpy pout or complete silence but today his exhaustion had caught up with him. He debated on how to get Sam of his back, a dim, flickering, half broken bulb going off in his sleep deprived brain. 

"I already have a girlfriend Tweety bird"

The deafening silence that followed that statement made it clear both men were aware that was a lie. Sam snorted, shaking his head while they both finished they food, slapping a $50 on the counter before leaving. He looked at the super soldier, deciding not to press into the issue further for the night but he definitely wasn’t going to let it go that easily. 

5:30 AM

The buzz of his phone jolted him awake, the faint sound of the TV still playing in the background. Bucky felt around for his phone, tossing his sheet off, sitting up from his place on the floor seeing Sam’s caller ID light up the screen. 

“What are you doing next Saturday” Sam sounded unusually chipper, a hint of a smirk in his voice, a suspicious amount of enthusiasm for such an early hour. 

“Why” Bucky groaned, rubbing sleep from his eyes, going back to lying down. 

“Were having a cookout over the weekend, you should come”

“You woke me up to tell me what could have been a text message?” Bucky asked incredulously, closing his eyes, ready to let sleep free him from such a ridiculous conversation. 

“Ooo, white panther knows how to text now” 

“White Wolf” Bucky grumbled, regretting every telling Sam the name he had been given in Wakanda. “I’ll come if you just let me go back to sleep” 

"Alright, but bring your girl too"

There it was. 

He could feel the shit eating grin Sam was giving him over the phone, eye brows wigging up and down, all his perfect teeth out. 

“Whatcha say Barnes?” 

Sleep had disappeared into thin air as Bucky shot up, mentally kicking himself for the nonsense he’d gotten himself into. He fiddled with the corner of his sheet, hoping to find an out. 

"I thought you only invited family" 

"Hey, anyone that you're allowing within 3 feet of your personal space might as well be considered family" Sam snorted, not believing a single word Bucky had said the night before. The conversation moved on to a different topic, easing some of Bucky’s nerves. A whole hour had passed and Bucky was sure he was in the clear until-  

“Back to the matter at hand, you bringing her or not?” 

“Why are you like this, does being Captain America always come with the caveat with also being a pain in my ass, I’m not going to-”

Bucky was about to refuse until a knock at the door pulled him away from the conversation, the scent of fresh pancakes wafting through the door. He pulled himself up, a smile tugging on his lips, knowing exactly who was on the other side, not needing to check as he untangled himself from the sheets. 

His sweet neighbor. 

Bucky wasn’t religious and he wasn’t a big believer in a higher power but there had to be something out there when people like you existed. Whenever Sam asked him why he stayed in the dingy little apartment that barely had windows and a closet for a bedroom, he’d insist it was because he preferred a small space and was still getting used to living a normal life so he wasn’t ready for another move just yet. 

The part he always left out was that his dingy apartment came with an absolute angle that lived next door. Kind hearted. Sweet. An absolute darling. You were one of the first people he’d interacted with when he moved in. All the nerves he had about living alone and growing accustomed to a regular life melted away the first day, when you came over with a plate of fresh cookies. 

He felt like a little boy whenever you were around, having the biggest crush on the prettiest girl on the playground, his mind going to mush whenever you smiled at him. But it wasn’t a crush. Nope. No....? No. He narrowed his eyes at himself before making his way to the door. 

“Buck? Did your tongue rust-” 

“I’ll uh-I’ll think about it” He mumbled before cutting the call, a bashful smile on his face as he unhooked the chain and swung the door open. “G’morning doll” 

“Good Morning” You grinned, handing Bucky the plate which he gratefully accepted, his stomach rumbling between the butterflies that fluttered in his tummy. “I heard you get in last night, didn’t think you’d have time to do a grocery run or cook anything” You handed him a bag of fruits and vegetables, two of those bags full of plums. His favorite. 

“You didn’t have to do all this” If his cheeks grew any warmer he would’ve sworn he was running a fever. And he didn’t get fevers. 

“You’re out saving the world, I think getting you a few groceries is the least I could do. So, how’s the new Captain?” You had never met Sam in person but hearing enough stories from Bucky told you all you needed to know. No one else was better suited to take on the shield than him. 

“A pain in my ass even if he means well” Bucky smiled shaking his head to himself. “He’s been pestering me to get out more...start dating” He mumbled the last part, wincing. He’d fought off aliens, gone to battle alongside a tree and a talking raccoon, survived being help captive by Hydra but being boyfriend material? His flirting game was as strong as pre serum Steve's right hook. 

“Well, handsome solider like you, shouldn’t be too hard to find you a date” You felt your own face heat up as soon as the words left your mouth but wasn’t like it was a secret. There was no way he would have had trouble in the dating department; aside from being one of the most beautiful people you’d laid your eyes on he was also the sweetest. Bucky was nothing but a gentleman and with a pure and soft heart and if you didn’t get your shit together and control the way he made you weak in the knees-

“Not the same ladies man I was in the 40′s doll” He chuckled, blue eyes sparkling at your compliment, “Either way, I got myself into a mess with that” He smiled sheepishly while you cocked your head, urging him to continue. 

“Well, I sort of lied to get him off my case” Bucky blushed, rubbing the back of his head, his the pink on his cheeks deepening at your cheeky smile. “I-I told him I already have a girlfriend but as you can see-” Bucky waved into his empty apartment that showed no signs of human life, “-it back fired immediately because he's invited my nonexistent girlfriend to a cookout this weekend. In Louisiana. With all his family. And friends”

Bucky let his head hit the wall with a dull thump, cursing himself for putting a foot in his mouth. Sure he could just come clean and say he lied. But that would mean admitting he lied and that was worse because then Sam would give him shit for that, plus try to get him out more and- 

“What if- what if I went with you?” Bucky’s head shot up, blinking in surprise at your words, wondering if he heard you correctly. “I could pretend to be your girlfriend for a day, get Cap off your case. Only if you’re comfortable with it though”

“Really? You’d do that?” You giggled at his lost puppy expression, his eyes lighting up when he realized you were being serious.

“Of course” You smiled sincerely,  “I’d be happy to! Just let me know what time to be ready at and I’ll be all yours” 

All his.  

The little boy in his was running around in circles, his heart beating too fast for the rest of his body to keep up. The thought of you being his girlfriend for a day was more than he could ever dream of. Of course it was only pretend and he’d wouldn’t dare push for more; not when you deserved the world. At the very least, he wouldn’t have to deal with Sam’s nagging. 

Problem solved. 

*****

This was a bad idea. 

A bad, bad idea. 

Bucky had gone through at least 4 outfits, debating between an array of Henley’s, before settling on a blue one when he remembered you complimented it because it was blue like his eyes. He picked up his razor and then immediately put it down when he remembered you once said you liked the scruff on him.  Even if this was just pretend, every single part of him was on edge as if this were a real date. As soon as his enhanced hearing picked up your soft footsteps padding down the hall, he was right by the door, nervously chewing his lip. 

Bucky blinked, his heart nearly giving way at 106 years old when he saw you make your way down the hall towards his apartment. You were in a flowery sundress, with a large cakebox in hand, your sweet perfume already making him dizzy. If Sam didn’t kill him for lying, the crush he had on you would be the next thing to take him out. 

"You-you look beautiful"  And sweet. And adorable. And delectable. 

An angel.

You looked like an angel. 

"Thank you, you look good too Sarge" You looked down at Bucky’s chest instead of meeting his eyes, unable to look at his pretty face. His adorable face. Handsome face. That dimple on his chin. Blue eyes. Pink lips. Fuck, you had such a big crush on him. 

It was going to be an interesting day. 

*****

Bucky parked the car at Sam’s place, which wasn’t too far from the lake where everyone had gathered. Part of him was almost sad they had made it on time; the car ride over with you ending faster than he’d liked.  

“He wasn’t kidding when he said he only invited family” Bucky snorted, seeing all of Sam’s relatives there along with his closest neighbors, many of whom he’d met before. He took the cakebox from you, slipping his hand into yours, smiling when you gave him a reassuring squeeze. You both made your way over, hand in hand, your heart skipping a beat each time someone greeted Bucky, every single person over joyed that he’d finally met someone to call his. 

He made his way over to the grill where Sam filliped a few burgers; the new Cap grinning when he saw you both. There was no missing the sparkle in his eyes when he looked down to your hand in Bucky’s, noting you were was holding his metal one, no longer covered by gloves. 

Interesting. 

“You’re lookin’ good” Sam wiggled his eyebrows at Bucky, loving the way the soldier rolled his eyes, trying to brush off the way his cheeks were dusted pink. 

“This is y/n, my girlfriend” Girlfriend. Bucky loved the way it rolled off his tongue with ease, not feeling an ounce of hesitance. The word previously feeling so foreign to him now felt so natural when he had you by his side. And holding your hand. And hearing your laugh. And-

Relax Bucky, it’s just for a day. 

“I’m Sam, and it’s very nice to meet you” He pulled you into a hug, still curiously eyeing Bucky, genuinely unable to figure out where he’d managed to find a sweetheart like you. 

“Thank you for the invite” you giggled as he gave you a light squeeze before letting you go, inspecting the cakebox Bucky handed to him. He grinned at the fresh strawberries that decorated the cake, shamelessly plucking one off and popping it into his mouth. “Strawberry shortcake. A little white wolf told me it was your favorite” 

“Well if the big bad wolf likes you then I like you cause he doesn’t like anybody. You must be special” Sam mused, a part of him wanting to be skeptical but there was nothing, absolutely nothing made up about the Bucky was looking at you. He gazed down at you as if you’d hung the moon and stars right in his room, an utterly lovesick puppy. You felt your cheeks heat up, burying your face into Bucky’s side while he chuckled, pulling you closer to him and pressing a kiss on top of your head. Damn right, she’s special. 

You both made your way over to mingle with the rest of the crowd, have no trouble at all playing the role of an utterly in love boyfriend and girlfriend. Bucky didn’t miss a single chance to press little kisses on your cheeks, every so often pecking your nose. His hand never left your waist, always holding you close to him, his face occasionally buried into the crook of your neck. 

You played your part almost better than he did, gushing over what a gentleman he always was to you, stayed tucked by his side, nuzzling under his chin, occasionally actually getting lost in his soft scent of laundry detergent, his cologne and something distinctly him. You made the elderly ladies giggle and blush each time Bucky did something adorable, proudly showing you off to everyone. 

He didn’t even let you eat without being the most perfect doting boyfriend. You’d both served your plates, finding a nice spot to sit under a shady tree; Bucky sat on the large lawn chair, secretly happy there was only one. You were about to walk off to get another when he tugged your wrist and pulling you back. 

“C’mere, I wont bite” Bucky grinned, surprised with himself as he pulled you onto his lap with ease. You let out a squeak, your nose bumping against his as you plopped onto him, lips nearly brushing his. 

“Smooth, Barnes. Remind me again, how you don’t have a girlfriend” You let out a breathless laugh, screaming to yourself on the inside that this was fake. He was playing the role perfectly, that was all. So fucking perfectly. 

Why was he so perfect. 

Bucky smirked, kissing your shoulder, letting you relax against his chest, wondering if you’d feel his heart hammering against his ribcage from how flustered he actually was. He easily maneuvered you so you sat comfortably across his thighs, his arm still securely around your waist. 

When was he ever this smooth. 

If anyone else was this close, he’s run for the hills, but now he was contemplating tossing you over his shoulder and running to Sam’s house, the guest bedroom was upstairs and two doors to the right-

“Well I’ll be damned, he really does have a girlfriend” Sam shook his head while Joaquin snorted, both men looking at you and Bucky with heart eyes while they sipping their beers from the docks. 

“You think they’re faking?” Joaquin nudged Sam’s shoulder, watching Bucky now fed you a piece of cake, still keeping you on his lap, sneakily kissing the cream from the corner off your lips between bites. You’d giggle every time, feeding him a strawberry, squealing when he’s playfully bite your fingers. 

“You can fake a lot of things but not the way he’d blushing and giggling like a toddler in a candy store” Bucky played with your fingers, intertwining them with his hand, his nose scrunching as he laughed at something you said. 

“It’s nice to see him like this” Joaquin had seen grumpy Bucky, grouchy Bucky, angry Bucky, scary Bucky, sleepy Bucky, just about every Bucky on the planet, but this? This was a first. Love struck Bucky. Charming Bucky. Happy Bucky. Simpy Bucky. Sappy Bucky. Giggly Bucky. Playful biting Bucky. Ready to get down on one knee if you’d let him, Bucky. 

“Steve always said he was a charmer, he wasn’t lying”

They couldn’t take their eyes off the way the corner of Bucky’s eyes crinkled each time he smiled or the way you’d instinctively lean into him when he spoke. He’d tuck your hair away from your face, his hands lingering on your cheek for a second longer, giving them a glimpse of the man from the 40′s before the war,  youthful and innocent, his heart full of hope, a smirk that would make his best girl swoon; the both of you in your own little world. 

“He looks happy”

Sam had seen people look happy before. They’d smile but their eyes would be empty. They’d laugh but their voices were hollow. They’d look like they were on top of the world while sitting at rock bottom. The way Bucky’s eyes sparkled, his boyish laugh, the way he’d nuzzle into you, trying to be closer to you than physically possible, was more than just looking happy. 

“He is happy”

Bucky had completely forgotten about pretending with you, lost in how perfectly you fit in his arms. You had taken up your role very seriously, telling him how utterly handsome he was, never missing moment to peck his scruffy cheek or card your fingers through his short soft locks. You intertwined you fingers with his vibrainium ones, busing your lips against his cool knuckles. 

At some point in the afternoon, he’d slipped his jacket off and wrapped you up with it as evening crept around the corner. Not a single person doubted the nature of your relationship; at least four of Sam’s uncles had told Bucky to propose soon. 

You don’t meet a girl who makes you this damn giggly just anywhere, Sergeant. Hold onto her. 

****

Just when he thought he couldn’t fall for you more, you had fallen asleep in his arms, contently snuggled up in his jacket as the sunset over the lake. Most of Sam’s family had gone back home, a few close relatives still hanging around the boat, sipping on coffee. Bucky couldn’t help but wrap his arms around you, softly kissing your forehead; he could get used to this. Cuddling up with you after date nights. Hearing your laugh. The softness of your lips. The way your hand always found itself in his metal one without hesitation. 

Fuck he wished this was real. 

You stirred slightly, a content sigh slipping past your lips at the feel of his kiss. Nothing felt more comfy than being wrapped up by the super soldier, his solid arms holding you close. You didn’t want to wake up, wishing you could sleep forever if it meant you’d be this close to Bucky all the time. The day felt like a dream; the exact dreams you had when you thought about your sweet neighbor. How it’d be for him to call you yours. To Be his girl. To make him smile. To make him laugh. 

If only it wasn’t just for a day. 

“You have a nice nap, baby?” Bucky smirked as you blinked awake, stretching on his lap like a cat before snuggling against him again. “My pretty girl” 

“Why wouldn’t I when my boyfriend is the comfiest spot to sleep on?” You teased, bringing your hand up to toy with the chain of his dog tags. Bucky chuckled, tilting your chin up to meet his eyes, kissing your nose. There was no one around you both, though neither of you seemed interesting in dropping the act just yet. 

“You fit perfectly here, doll” He grinned, blushing when he hesitantly pulled you a little closer, your arms moving to wrap around his shoulders, resting on the back of his neck. 

“I think I like it here” You sucked in a breath as he rested his forehead against yours, bringing his hand to cup your cheek. His nose gently bumped against yours, his warm breath tickling your lips. 

“Me too” He closed the gap between you both, pressing his lips to yours sweetly, savoring every bit of your softness. He couldn’t help but deepen the kiss as you parted your mouth letting his tongue lace with yours while your hand made its way through his hair, tugging on his short locks. Bucky let out a groan, letting his hands drop to your waist, kissing you for as long as he could until you both needed oxygen. 

“Maybe we can pretend for a little longer?” Bucky broke away, panting, his forehead still pressed against yours. You giggled between breaths, peppering kisses across his face. 

“Just a little longer?” 

“Maybe- maybe forever?” He looked at you with his classic puppy eyes, his heart bursting when you pulled him in for another kiss; forever. Forever sounded good. 

A few years later

“So, you finally gonna admit I made this happen?” Sam whispered while Bucky snorted, shaking his head. 

“Not gonna happen” 

“C’mon, I made this happen, I caused this” 

“You caused chaos” 

Sam scoffed in fake offence, taking a sleepy Becca from Bucky’s arms while the soldier went to go check on you. “Now when do I get to meet my second God child?”

“In a few hours” Bucky stretched before making his way back to your room, smiling at your resting form. He carefully laid down beside you, letting his hand splay across your tummy; in just a few more hours there would be a little Samuel Grant Barnes in the world. 

“We’re really good at pretending” You murmured, make Bucky chuckle, taking your hand in his and kissing the ring that sat on your finger. 

“Maybe just one more baby after this? Really convince them, Mrs. Barnes?”

*

“Uncle Sam, tell me a bedtime story?” Becca pouted, having been at the hospital for hours, giving Sam the exact same face Bucky gave you. Her little bottom lip jutting out, big (y/c/e) eyes blinking up at him. He grinned, settling her on his lap before he made a thinking face before asking what she’d want to hear. 

“What kinda story, Beccs, an animal story, a super cool falcon story or Captain America story or a flying Falcon Captain America story?” 

“The chaos daddy said you caused” She giggled while Sam nodded, taking a deep breath before starting. 

“It all started when your daddy said he had a girlfriend...”

Tags: @glxwingrxse @hungryyeyess @sebsgirl71479 @beabutterfly987 @teambarnes72 @witchywhore @jamesbuckybarneswify @slutforsexyseabass @chrisdrysdale @littlemarvelmenfan @buggy14 @whimsyplaty92 @sergntbarnes @inkedaztec @pono-pura-vida @moonlightreader649 @brooklynscherry-z @elle14-blog1 @justsebstan @littlelightnings @psychomanniac-blog @happyt0exist @emmabarnes @bethyruth @matchat3a @cjand10 @getwellsoontana @cherryschaos @lokisasgardianvampirequeen @ashenc-blog @buckybarnessimpp @potatothots @goldylions @high-functioning-lokipath @morganemorganite-blog @kingfleury @peaches1958 @spiderman-stilinski @peaceinourtime82 @gublur @wintersmelodie​ @geeky-politics-46​ @lolawassad​ @almosttoopizza​ @a-poor-gryffindork​ @alternativeprincess​ @buckycallsmeaslut​ @kamaria-sweet-writes​ @charmedbysarge​ @xnorthstar3x​ @kryoee7​ @alina02​ @gh0stgurl​ @polishprincess999​ @jessybarnes​ @alltheficsiwant​ @chemtrails-club​ @eralen​ @perdidosbucky-yyo​ @clqrosmgc​  

[misaverawrites]

In the Heat of Your Electric Touch

((johnny silverhand x reader))

summary: you're the manager of SAMURAI, johnny talks to you about changing his image after some reflection since Alt died, you decide that he can do what’s best for him… and you might be it.

tags: no arasaka tower bombing, johnny is a good person, johnny has a body, rockerboy johnny silverhand, samurai stays together, fluff, alt’s death (mentioned), cursing, fluff, forehead kisses, NO PHANTOM LIBERTY SPOILERS

a/n: uhhhh, your honor, i am a 20 year old silly goose with a love for this man.

You stare out over the crowd from backstage, with wide smiles, music amplified by their singing as the bass vibrates through your teeth. You run a hand through your hair, just for a second, pushing away a rogue strand. You take a look at your phone, then back at the stage, where you find Johnny, looking at you with a wide and almost uncharacteristic grin, only to flash it back at the crowd, brandishing horns on his hand, the loud cheers from the crowd egging him on, bringing a small, but not, unwelcome smile to your face. Johnny loved what he did, no one could deny that, even if it seemed he only did it to further his own agenda at times. You knew better though, you and Johnny had spent too much time together on this tour for you to think too far against him.

“Alright, and we want to dedicate this encore to every single one of you!” You hear Kerry say from the stage, the wild roar from the crowd amplifying itself, you tend to watch the crowd more than anything during these shows, it was therapeutic, these people were the lifeblood of bands similar to SAMURAI , and you intended to keep them happy. As SAMURAI closes out their set, as well as Henry’s tab, some of the people start their slow, exhausted post-concert shuffle back out onto the streets of Night City, bags of SAMURAI merchandise in hand, you begin your clean-up, helping stage-hands move everything back onto the van.

“Hey, take a load off, they’ve got it.” You hear Johnny, and you shake your head. “Shouldn’t you be getting under the skirt of some barely-legal SAMURAI fangirl?” You joke and he rolls his eyes, “Fuck off,” he justifies himself, playfully all the same, until his tone gets a bit more serious in nature, “Besides, thinkin’ that’s not all too much my scene anymore.” You laugh, almost dropping the set piece in your hands. “Alright, I’m gonna hear you out, but it sounds like you just started talkin’ like one of those Maelstrom goons after they’ve had one too many implantations, what do you mean ?”

Johnny scoffs and takes the set piece from you, setting it down as he sits you down on the stage, the lingering fans vie successfully for Kerry’s attention, less so successfully for Johnny’s, his attention is all on you.

“I’m just… Fuckin’ sick of it, since Alt, since fuckin’ Arasaka, I don’t wanna ramble in those streets to a God who ain’t listenin’. Y’know?” You sigh and he puts his hand on top of yours, “I just want somethin’... Someone , even who makes me not want to shove an iron in my fuckin’ mouth.” You look at him, just for a second, as if he’s grown two heads, until you realize, from the way he’s looking at you, for once in his life, he’s serious . Your eyes widen a bit, does he mean you ? “It’s not your scene,” You say simply, it’s almost matter-of-fact in delivery.

“What if I wanted it to be?” He asks, that genuine tone of voice still there, he’s still Johnny, he knows what he wants, and he’s pushing for it. Not too hard, lest he drive you away, which is a change all in itself. “I’m the band’s manager, Johnny.” He rolls his eyes a bit, “You’ve been around Corpos a bit too long, babe,” You can’t help but love the way it sounds coming off his tongue, when it’s aimed towards you and not at another girl, “You know the fans don’t care, hell, they live for this stupid drama.” You can’t deny that. Your miles-long social media inbox, brimming with fans begging for any bit of gossip, said that all on its own. You smile a bit, “I mean, if you’re saying it could be your scene, then who am I to fight that, Johnny?” He grins, it’s a big, goofy grin unlike you’d ever seen before from him, “Shit, if you’re willing to allow it, then I guess I’d better not fuck it up.” You and him pause for a moment, not realizing how close the two of you are to one another, bodies pressed tightly against one another, you feel his eyes flicker to your lips for just a moment, until you, for once decide, fuck it . You pull Johnny in and kiss him, he’s warm, warmer than you’d expected whenever you thought about this, his hands meet your elbows awkwardly, he doesn’t know what to do here, and neither do you, really. His lips are chapped against yours and he tastes of cigarettes and tequila, a dangerously addictive combination that makes you want him more and more. You feel his hand suddenly brush against your hair and support the underside of your mouth, giving him more access to your mouth as he deepens the kiss, and everything else is simply null and void, besides him and you.

Until you hear the familiar sound of Kerry, clearing his throat, “Hey, both of you!” He calls, actually subtle for him, as the two of you pull away awkwardly, as though the two of you are teenagers, trying to act cool after being caught getting hot and heavy in a dark movie theater. “We’ve gotta go, bar wants us out, but you two can keep going on the tour bus, cool?” Your skin flushes and you avoid direct eye contact with Kerry, as Johnny chuckles awkwardly, despite himself, trying to keep any sense of his usually un-poised yet still collected poise. You nod, turning to look back at Johnny, who does the same to you, as you both share a small laugh with one another, you playfully push him without any real force, as he wraps his ‘ganic arm around you, kissing your forehead softly as the two of you get onto the tour bus together.

[devastatedloyallute]

The Ones We've Lost.

Guitarspear Week 2024 Day 5: Ichor - Angst [Read on AO3}

Summary: Lute has feelings about losing loved ones. Ficlet under the cut (~800 words)

Lute laid against the warmth of Adam’s chest, relishing in the comfort and safety from the skin to skin contact. It was late and they both should have been asleep long before now. But racing minds heed no sleep. Lute let out an exasperated sigh.

“What’s wrong, Lute?” He asked drowsily, comfortingly rubbing her shoulder.

“I just…I can’t believe she’s gone,” Lute clenched her fist against his chest, “Hunter’s fucking gone.”

Adam rested his head atop hers. “I know,” he replied sorrowfully.

He couldn’t find any words that would reassure her. All he could do was hold her close and be her physical and emotional support. Nothing would bring back their fallen ally. They both knew that. But they would sure as hell make Hell pay for it.

***

Hunter had been among the top exorcists. Her and Lute were as thick as thieves. She had been Lute’s closest companion, besides Adam himself.  They would meet up after exterminations to discuss kill counts, strategies for the next year,  so on and so forth. 

So it was beyond strange when she didn’t reunite with Lute once the extermination was over. Lute had voiced her concerns to Adam, who brushed them off. She’s probably just exhausted and didn’t want to socialize. He was sure everyone had made it back and would check everyone’s reports the following day. When Hunter’s report was not found, Lute demanded they do a headcount, check the barracks, everything. At first, Adam thought the ordeal was all bullshit. They’d never lost an angel during an extermination before, so why would it happen now? 

But he was wrong. Hunter was nowhere to be found, not a trace of her anywhere. When Lute became uncharacteristically frantic, Adam knew something was wrong, he had to do something. Eventually, Hunter’s decapitated body had been discovered in Hell. Understandably emotionally distraught at the death of her friend, Lute demanded they go down and completely annihilate every single being in Hell. Adam reassured her that those bastards would never get the chance to fight back again. And with that statement, Lute repressed her anger. Shoving down any feelings or memories of her fallen sister. It wouldn’t happen again.

***

“It’s not fair,” she let out with a shaky exhale.  “I know, I should just not think about it, but the more I keep it bottled up the stronger it gets.” 

Adam felt her naked body tense and begin to shake under his touch. He softly nuzzled his cheek against her head.

“And what’s worse, is rather than anger, it’s morphing into fear. I’m fucking scared, and that makes me angrier,” Lute pressed her forehead into him. 

“You don’t have to be scared, babe. Everything will be alright, we’ll make sure those fuckers don’t even think about trying that shit again,” Adam said while rubbing up her shoulders.

“But I am! I am and I hate it. Fear means that I’m weak. I can’t be fucking weak!” Lute fell quiet, her breathing starting to slow down, “I’m scared that it will happen again.”

“I won’t let anything happen to you, you know,” Adam said softly.

“It’s not me that I’m worried about.”

Adam let out a chuckled snort, “What? You worried about me? You really think any of those bastards down there could ever take me out?”

When Lute’s golden eyes shot up at him with tears in their corners, his heart sank. He immediately regretted what he had said. He quickly wrapped his golden wings around her, hugging her body to his and began to gently sway her. Adam kissed her forehead, “Shh, I’m sorry- now clearly isn’t the time for jokes, my bad.” 

After a long moment of silence while being rocked in his arms, Lute tried to let her body relax. She took in a deep breath and let it go, wiping her eyes and nestling her cheek against him. “I just…I can’t lose anyone else,” Lute said as she absentmindedly began to lightly trace over the faded scars that littered his chest.

Adam caressed her face, “You won’t, I’ll make sure of it. Besides, I know you’ll always have my back, no matter what. And I’ll always have yours.”

Lute nodded as she let her eyes drift shut, “Yeah. Always.”  

----------------------------------------------------------------

When Lute awoke, she was in bed alone. A tear stained pillow under her head. She sat up and rubbed away the dried tear stains that ran down her cheeks. 

She picked up the robe that had been cuddled under her arm from under the blanket. It was the same robe that had once belonged to her late partner. She folded the garment and placed it on her pillow. 

With a heavy heart, Lute kissed her fingertips before placing them on the glass of the picture frame on her nightstand. She stared longingly at the picture of her and Adam, before deciding it was time to go about her day.

[almapoetiica]

I'm having a mbti crisis (fucking again, yes). I've read a lot about the differences between infj and intp, ni dom vs ti dom and each cognitive function but my head is actually exploding with so much information, which I don't even know if it gives away something and I'm just not seeing it? I don't know if the way i perceive information is logical and analytical because I do feel that it is sometimes but then again I'm all about patterns and that seems to be a recurring word in the infj archetype. I've always felt that I'm both intuition and rational, I don't really know where one begins but I just sometimes notice things and my head feels like a whole world with information that seems so useless but I can't help to gather from every single place i'm in? I don't even know, on the other side, I'm not clear minded and intuition oriented in a Ni way?? my head is all over the place and sometimes the amount of possibilities (another key word for Ne) overwhelms me HORRIBLY, like it freezes me, but I end up shutting every logical part of me to decide because otherwise i will never move on. Also I'm very much in tune with other people and sometimes it's so overwhelming to feel what other people feel and to be so conscious of every subtext in a social gathering is EXHAUSTING which is why i need so much alone time.

And lastly, i am future oriented but I don't know if it's in a Ni or Ne way. Let me give an example. Just a few seconds ago I've decided that I'm going to try and not put so many personal things in my phone because I know that a lot of people get robbed at least once in their lifes and it's very dangerous out there, especially now, so if someone were to take away my phone, all the things I care about would not be there. How would i do that? Taking pictures and printing them, keeping a journal instead of my phone notes, erase messages sometimes, etc.

I feel like with everything i wrote here It's kinda obvious but it really isn't to me, if someone has a piece of advice i would really appreciate it

[winxanity-ii]

⌜Know No Evil | Chapter 23.5 Chapter 23.5 | squashing current issues⌟

╰ ⌞🇨‌🇭‌🇦‌🇵‌🇹‌🇪‌🇷‌ 🇮‌🇳‌🇩‌🇪‌🇽

❘ prev. chapter ❘༻✦༺❘ next chapter ❘

The sterile white walls of the waiting room did little to soothe your growing impatience. You tapped your foot rhythmically against the floor, scowling at the clock on the wall. Three hours. Three agonizing hours you'd been waiting.

A second later, the door creaked open, , and you whipped your head around, eyes landing on the familiar silhouette. "Oh, Xani," you muttered, rolling your eyes, "it's you."

A black girl slowly slinked into the room, her presence marked by the bright red oversized hoodie she wore, almost swallowing her small frame. Her matching silk bonnet was snugly fit on her head, protecting her curls. She carried a large tumbler in one hand and a laptop in the other. "Please... ____, not now," she sighed, walking over to sit at the same table.

You scowled, arms crossed tightly over your chest. "Forgive me for being a little upset that you're three hours late."

Xani waved you off dismissively as she flipped open her laptop. "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Traffic, road construction, etc."

You scoffed at her. "And the audacity to not even create a plausible excuse is even worse."

Letting out a huge sigh, Xani threw her head back, letting out an annoyed groan. "Well, sorry, ____, not everyone is perfect and has everything figured out. Some of us are currently fighting demons."

You snorted, amusement battling with annoyance. "Demon? Do tell."

Xani pouted at your teasing tone before giving in, clearly wanting to rant. "Well, since you asked..." she mumbled, trailing off.

Taking a deep breath, the girl then stood up before slamming both hands on the table with a surprising amount of force. The sudden movement startled you, and you couldn't help but raise an eyebrow in surprise. "I fucking HATE people!"

"Don't we all?"

Xani rolled her eyes at you. "Not in your 'people are less than bugs' mentality," she countered. "I mean, they're just... really fucking exhausting."

You leaned back in your chair. "Well," you drawled, resting your chin on your hands, "since I know you're about to tell me anyways, go ahead."

Xani's lips twitched into a reluctant grin. With a resigned sigh, she launched into a detailed explanation of her current social struggles. "To start!" she exclaimed, slamming her laptop shut with a dramatic flourish. "Bitches have been on my ass about this ugly-ass Makima!Reader book!"

"Careful with your words, I am here—"

"Like my ass can't even build off the character!" she cut you off, voice laced with frustration. "I remember in the beginning of the book, literally the blurb," she continued, her voice rising in pitch, "people were spamming me with the 'Makima isn't like that' comments! Like, helllooo? It's a reader? And said reader is currently in a body not her own OR is going through puberty—a very hormonal and unexpected phase in life!"

"I suppose they may just—"

"And DON'T get me started on the fucking 'oh, does Y/N have brown skin? Was this in the diclaimer?' and 'I'll imagine her as having Makima from CSM skin tone, tee-hee' ass comments," Xani ranted, her voice rising in pitch, throwing her hands up in frustration. "Like, bro, I don't describe the skin tone/nor features outside of a few instances, literally once every 10 chapters! And the only reason I do this is to make it more immersive/give a little nod to POC readers who might appreciate seeing themselves in these stories. The only consistent details I mention are the eye and hair color because, well, it's a Makima!Reader, and those features are kind of her signature look from 'Chainsaw Man.'"

Xani slumped back into her chair, shaking her head. "But the way some people react, you'd think I was out here giving a full-on detailed OC every other page."

You let out a sympathetic hum, unsure of how to best respond. "Isn't that tough..." you offered tentatively.

Xani whipped her head around, her eyes narrowed. "You aren't being supportive!" she declared.

You raised an eyebrow, a playful smirk tugging at the corner of your lips. "Why must I be?" you countered. "You're the adult in this situation, not me."

Xani's jaw dropped, and her eyes widened in disbelief. "Adu—ADULT!?!" she screeched, her voice tinged with mock indignation. "I'm literally just nineteen! If anything, I'm just legal!"

"Almost twenty," you couldn't resist adding with a feigned cough.

Xani threw her hands up in the air, her expression a mixture of frustration and amusement. "You know what?" she huffed. "I didn't come here to get bashed by my own book character!"

"Bashing?" you countered, feigning innocence. "I'm merely stating observations..."

Xani wasn't buying it, scoffing. "Well, 'observe' your ass into fixing this shit! 'Cause if this shit keeps going, imma start tweaking for real."

"And tell me, why do you think I can fix this?" you asked, tilting your head in curiosity.

Xani's fiery rant dwindled into a sheepish mumble as she looked away from you. A beat of silence hung in the air before she mumbled, barely audible, "Cuz you're scary as hell..."

You sat there, processing her words for a moment. A slow smile spread across your face, amusement dancing in your eyes. "...Fair enough," you conceded, a hint of a chuckle escaping your lips.

Standing up, you stretched, your movements deliberate and graceful, before sauntering towards the imaginary fourth wall, turning your back on Xani and facing the readers directly.  A playful smile appeared on your face, but it didn't quite reach your eyes. "Good afternoon, you all," you greeted them, your voice pleasant but laced with a subtle edge.

The smile vanished as quickly as it appeared, melting into a stern expression. "Unfortunately, I'm not here to give you all more insight into my devious kind, but to relay a message from Xani, the author of this account and book." You paused for dramatic effect, raising an eyebrow. "It's a very long winded complaint, but I'll give you the abridged version: Stop complaining or you will get blocked."

A strangled yell erupted from behind you. "That is not what I said—"

Ignoring Xani's protest, you continued, your voice dripping with sarcasm. "Honestly, I don't know how she puts up with all of your negativity. I, personally, would never..."

Xani scoffed, interjecting again, "You literally got talked into wearing a hoe-ish cheerleading outfit, but go off."

Waving away her words with a dismissive hand, you addressed the readers once more. "She spends hours perfecting one chapter, yet the majority of the comments focus on what they don't like instead of what they do."

A pointed cough interrupted you, followed by a muffled, "cough, Skin tone, cough."

You shot Xani a withering look before turning back to the readers.  "Ignoring the unneeded adlibs for a moment," you said, your voice dripping with sarcasm. "I'm not sure why this is causing such a commotion. I'm not anything different than all the other Y/N books with 'pale skin' and 'pink blushing cheeks' descriptions. Honestly, it's giving me that those who are complaining are the individuals those fics cater to."

Your face dropped into a grimace at the audacity of many of the readers. "To be quite frank, Xani was just experimenting with using different skin tones, hair types, and features in the narrative to create something that includes everyone, especially those who often feel left out—one moment I'd have straight red hair and dark brown skin, and the next chapter, maybe I'd be pale with curls or kinky hair. She thought it’d be a unique approach, and wanted to play around with different descriptions to make the reading experience more varied. But it seems she was too naive in assuming people would understand her thought process."

She's trying to create something that includes everyone, especially those who often feel left out. If you can't appreciate that, then maybe this story isn't for you."

"Exactly!" Xani burst into the conversation, her voice brimming with a mixture of relief and frustration. "A lot of folks thought I was trying to create an OC or assign characteristics to the reader in a concrete way just because I gave Y/N some of the traits Makima had—like red hair and yellow eyes—but it really wasn't like that, at all!" She sighed, pulling on her bonnet it frustration. "When I gave the reader those characteristics, it was more about staying true to Makima's persona—keeping some of those defining traits that made her instantly recognizable. But I didn’t intend to make it feel like the reader had to fit a strict mold or be a specific character. I just wanted to build off the personality while still leaving room for flexibility."

"Seems like a tough miscommunication situation."

Xani groaned, rubbing her temples. "I thought mentioning the skin tone once in a while wouldn't be a big deal, but I was so wrong. And it's so weird because in my entire twelve years of reading, I've never saw anyone have an issue or complain about stuff like this! Yet the moment I add a few signifiers, THAT AREN'T EVEN BAD BECAUSE BASED ON MY STATISTICS THE MAJORITY OF MY READERS COME FROM POC COUNTRIES, all hell lets loose."

You smirked, clearly enjoying the frustration overcoming the author's face. "Hmm, looks like you're in a predicament," you drawled, your voice laced with amusement. "Whatever will you do?"

Xani sighed, her shoulders slumping in defeat. "It seems... Imma have to let my sister to handle it..."

You blinked in surprise. "Sister?"

"Yeah, sister," Xani confirmed. "I have a whole twin named K_nayee , and honestly, she's been in my ear for the longest about cussing the complainers out because, in her words, 'They shouldn't complain about shit! We been reading pale-ass Y/N's for years, they'll be aight with a lil color, if not they can go to hell.'" Xani sighed again, a hint of defiance creeping into her voice. "And honestly, she's right. I've been holding my tongue back, but I'm done, over it. "

"Hmm, seems your sister is a wise woman," you mused, a hint of respect in your voice.

"She's alright, or whatever," Xani conceded with a shrug. "But yeah. And if we can be real, she might be in my comments as we speak. She's been my moderator, replying to people and stuff, because I feel that if I come across too much negativity, Imma just scrap the entire thing. But I enjoy it too much to do it, so the task is on her."

"Well, looks like you've got everything figured out," you observed. "Anything to tell the readers before you go?" you asked, gesturing towards the fourth wall.

Xani nodded eagerly. "Yeah," she said, moving to stand beside you and facing the readers directly.  A genuine smile bloomed on her face. "To those that have done nothing but love my creation, thank you so much for the support. You guys are the reason I continue to push my delusional mind to the next level," she declared with heartfelt gratitude.

The smile then vanished, replaced by a fierce scowl.  "To the complainers," she began, her voice dripping with sarcasm, "learn to read and ask questions before being passive-aggressive. I really don't care if you don't like my little experiments because, at the end of the day, it wasn't even a focus of the story. Go outside and touch some grass before coming back in and creating your own stuff. It's 2024, pale Y/N's are out and the inclusive Y/N's are in...we exist out here. Alright, I guess that's all. Anything to say, ____?"

"No."

Xani chuckled awkwardly. "W-well, haha, guess that's all, bye!" she stammered, waving to the readers before collapsing back into her chair, a satisfied expression washing over her face.

She then glanced at you, a happy look on her face. "Wanna get some McDonalds?"

You roll your eyes, "Sure, but I'm not paying." With that, you both leave the room.

A/N: i wrote this because it seems a few of my readers got it confusedand obviously skipped past author's note/warning on my profile bio. I'M the author, you guys are just here for the ride. Don't get too comfortable when I'm allowing you all a peak into my world.

I've been lenient, but that stops when a few olf you go too far with the critiques. literally had to read through an entire thread being passive agressive about characters in the book. It's not my job to hold your hand and console you when something your read doesnt go the way you planned/liked.

Also, it's not the end of the world when reader-books have other signifiers besides 'pale skin'. If anything there should be NO complaints because every single individual in this world has melanin (the thing that gives us color) and if you feel like you're on the 'whiter than a piece of paper' end of the spectrum, go get some tanning lotion babes, cuz im not changing shit to cater to the exceptions.

other than that, this is my final warning to those who have done this these past few chapters/weeks, from this point on, you will be getting cussed out in the most disrespectful way AND i'm not deleting shit so every new reader can come across and see the bullshit you typed. See ya'll next update 😘❤️❤️

[silverzoomies]

Maternal

kai anderson x reader smut

chapter 2: glass

warnings: female reader, mommy kink (not age play), manipulation, oral sex, fingering, masturbation, cults, kissing, maternal instinct, rough sex, smut, kai anderson is his own warning

word count: 3053

a/n: first chapter i kinda goofed off the whole time writing it. this time around ?? it's harder to be silly when shit's a little too serious. whoopsie !! sorry, this kinda takes a fucked up turn. uhhhhhhhhhhhh apologies for shitty writing and ooc kai but ty for readin' anyways if you do. if you don't ?? bitch i don't fuckin' blame you ✌️✌️✌️

chapter 1 here.

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After Kai took Winter’s life, any sense of hope left lingering within your soul disintegrated. If you could disappear off the face of the Earth then, to some far reaches of the universe; you would have done so in an instant.

You were so far beyond emotionally broken. Mental exhaustion and anguish unlike any you’d ever felt in your entire life dragged you onwards. Pulled in a ruthless, brutal tug by your ankles through normality; you kept going. Maybe everything that happened was, in some way, your own fault. You did spend too much of your precious time trying to rationalize every fucked up, morbid thing Kai ever did. And at any moment, you could have reported him to the authorities.

But you didn’t.

And now? You’d lost the one and only best friend you had in your lonesome life as an adult. Never again would you hear her laugh. Never again would you see her smirk with that sleepy-eyed gaze, her eyelids darkened with heavy eyeshadow. And no longer would you listen, as Winter ranted to you those politics you couldn't care the least bit about. But still loved hearing all the same. She was gone. And you’d give anything to have her back, even for one more day. At least, just to say – I’m so fucking sorry.

It didn’t surprise you in the least when Kai finally ended up in prison. That’s where he needed to be, after all. News outlets and social media sites covered his story in mass. Serving as grim reminders of all the atrocities he committed in his search for world domination. You avoided it all to the best of your ability, choosing to remain as ignorant as humanly possible. Knowing he killed Winter was enough. You didn’t need any further heartbreak.

Standing in your kitchen as you dried off a washed wine glass; you heard a noise. It was late. A little past 3:30 AM. A gentle bump rang out somewhere at the other side of your dimly lit apartment. Ignoring the sound, you moved onto another glass.

You were much too beat-down and numb to worry yourself over harmless noises.

The glass in your hands shattered upon impact, as it hit the hardwood floor below you. Sharp, crystal-like pieces flew in every direction, showering the floor. Leaving subtle scratches in their wake.

The glass had slipped from your hands, your grip falling loose as you jumped with a panicked shriek. Because before you, as if he’d never left for prison at all, was Kai. A face you found too familiar, yet somehow, so unfamiliar all the same.

In his gaze, he carried not an ounce of emotion. His eyes were nothing but a toxic abyss of emptiness. Sunken bags held with a heavy weight under those eyes. Once upon a time, you’d raked your fingers through the faded, blue strands of his hair. But at this moment, they were absent. His head was shaved to a clean buzz. Maybe, if you fooled yourself enough, you could pretend this Kai was his more deranged, evil twin.

You were petrified, frozen in place like a victim turned to stone under Medusa’s gaze.

Wordlessly, you let your eyes drop to the odd tattoo etched into his chest. It peeked out from the dirty, prison clothes he wore. They were tattered, and torn in a few places. When you let your eyes drift even further down, you noticed Kai wasn’t wearing any shoes. Squinting, you found you could make out another tattoo marked on his foot. “Motherland” was all it said. And on his arms, were a few others…of a more, morally questionable nature. Ah. So, he really did go off the deep end. Lovely.

Kai said nothing, but slowly raised his arms. He kept a blank, lifeless look upon his face. And step by steady step, he approached you. Your heart leapt in alarm, and you sucked in a harsh breath. You found yourself gasping even louder at the sound of glass shards crunching under his bare feet. On instinct, without thinking, you reached out a hand in concern.

“Careful!” You cried. Tears began to pool at the corners of your eyes.

Kai didn’t stop. He only kept moving closer. Even as the glass under his feet surely pierced his skin, Kai went on. He loosely wrapped his arms around you, pulling you in close. In doing so, you accidentally slid your own foot forward. A chip of glass almost sliced through your own foot, but you noticed just in time to avoid it. Even still, you yelped a high-pitched squeak of a noise. He didn’t react in any way to it. He didn't seem to react to anything.

Kai dropped his nose to your shoulder, clenching his teeth hard. And you felt the tiniest, wet tear drop hit your skin. Why in the hell was he crying? No way he felt real, human remorse, right?

He mumbled quietly to himself several words and phrases you could barely hear or even make out. Your ear caught only a few: “ I have to kill her. ” “ I’m gonna fucking kill her. ” “ Can’t trust women. ” “ Can’t ever trust women. ” “ Better off putting my faith in men, and men alone. ”

There was another phrase he said. Something in Latin, from what you vaguely picked up. But you couldn’t begin to understand what it meant. And you didn't care enough to ask. You didn't want to know.

Your blood ran cold at the mortifying thought that Kai might’ve been referring to you. From what you understood, you’d never given him a single reason to kill you. You never told anyone about the unconventional relationship you shared with him. And no one had any idea that you even knew Kai. You’d been questioned on Winter’s exploits one or two times; but you never gave them anything substantial.

You wondered if Kai’s delusions or hallucinations were driving him down his murderous path. If maybe they were, in some way, influencing him to kill you.

Shaking like a leaf where you stood, you brought your arms carefully upwards. And you pulled Kai even closer. One of your hands rested at the back of his head. You dragged a thumb gently across the buzzed hairs dusting his neck. His shoulders seemed to relax then.

You took a slow, deep breath.

“W-Who do you have to kill, honey?”

You knew the obvious waver in your voice gave away how terrified you really were. But you feigned your affection regardless.

“Some dumb bitch.” Kai mumbled, “She’s the one who put me in prison. She can’t be proud of herself for that, mama. She thinks she did the world a fucking favor? Puttin’ me away? Thought she could move on, and leave me to rot there? She fucked up.” He huffed, shaking his head where it lay on your shoulder, “I built an army there. A better army. So much fucking stronger.”

Kai lifted his head, and his eyes met yours.

An ache of grief pained your chest and squeezed your heart in a cruel grip.

Kai’s eyes were dead and empty as they stared into yours. He looked entirely absent of any human feeling. A harsh redness at the corners of his eyes met the dark rings around them. And in a split-second’s thought, you wished you could go back in time. Just to see the sad, doe-like, brown eyes of Kai from almost four years ago.

Just to see Winter. You missed Winter so dearly.

Kai’s speech slurred as he spoke, as if he’d grown considerably more tired since he walked in. Which he probably had. Maybe breaking out of prison and racing to the house of your metaphorical, surrogate mother/lover took a lot out of a convict. His head fell forward, his forehead pressing into yours. As Kai held you, the two of you swayed, almost losing balance.

“Built it for you, mama…” He murmered, “All of it. You still proud ‘a me?”

For a moment, you hesitated to respond.

“I-I am.” Thick tears drifted down your cheeks, “Always have been. Even now.”

Kai looked deep into your eyes, as though searching for any hint of dishonesty. His void-like gaze dropped to your lips then. And he leaned closer, stale breath meeting yours. A sudden instinct of fight or flight blared at you in extreme panic. It urged you to step away. To run away. To flee. Get the fuck outta dodge and never look back.

Fight or flight failed, and freeze ultimately took over. And you were left glued in place where you stood.

“You’re gonna see…” Kai whispered, his lips almost meeting yours, “I’m gonna show the whole world, mama. Gonna prove it to all those women…”

What exactly was he referring to? You had not a single clue. You found yourself too distracted by the rapid pounding of your heart. And the nauseating twist in your gut. Kai captured you in a messy kiss, and you didn’t return it. He pushed you backwards into one of the kitchen counters, his feet sliding along sharp, shards of glass. A pained huff of air exhaled from his mouth and brushed your lips.

Kai grabbed the sides of your arms, gently at first.

But when he found you didn’t reciprocate his kiss, he dug his nails roughly into your skin. The gesture stung with enough bite to make you squeal in response to the pain. And the instant you opened your mouth, he swallowed down the noise. Kai’s tongue found your own, his tasting of something vile. With a hint of nicotine.

And despite everything. Despite the spine-curling terror infecting your body like an airborne virus. Despite the obvious, moral dilemma that came with reciprocating a disturbed lunatic’s advances. Despite everything you knew, everyone you grieved over, and all you tried time and time again to forget.

Some small, fucked up, warped part of you still cared for Kai. You always would. You were whipped till the fucking end.

Kissing him back was the ultimate betrayal against everyone he’d ever hurt. Winter was probably looking down on you with heartbroken disdain.

And as soon as you kissed him back, Kai moved again. He lifted you up onto the countertop without separating your connected lips. You draped your arms over his shoulders and around his neck, inching him closer. Kai kissed you deeply for what felt like both a bittersweet eternity, and a single second in time.

His lips left yours, puffy and red. A trail of saliva kept the two of you connected for a short moment. Hot breaths meeting in close huffs. You pulled your hands from around his neck and brought them to his cheeks, cradling his face. You pressed your forehead to Kai's, looking into his eyes. And you whispered to him honest, but exceptionally forbidden words.

“D-Don’t…tell anyone…” You sniffled, “But…I missed you so much…my sweet ba-”

Your shameful confession was silenced when Kai kissed you again. A hungry, wet, mouthy kiss kept you distracted. Enough that you almost didn’t notice his large hands sneaking their way down your sides. Kai made out with you as though he couldn’t get enough of your taste. As though this were the last time he'd ever get to kiss you. And more than likely, it was. His hands at your sides grasped the fabric of your tank top, tugging on it.

"You really proud 'a me, mama?" He slurred.

"Of course." You whispered into his lips, "Of course I am." A lie.

Following his motions, you raised your arms. And he slipped your tank top over your head. It landed somewhere on the floor amongst the shattered glass. The cool temperature of the kitchen sent goosebumps erupting across your skin. And as you shivered, your nipples hardened. Kai ducked down to kiss across your chest, nipping along the way. His teeth sank into your skin, each bite leaving a stinging, red mark behind in his wake. Marks you'd most definitely look back at later, only to feel a sinking pit of guilt in your stomach.

Kai palmed and squeezed at one of your breasts. Rough fingertips brushed over one of your nipples. And as he felt your tits under his palm, he sighed a soft sound. Kai's lips, swollen and chapped, suckled on the nipple of your other breast. Gentle suckling with delicate flicks of his tongue quickly turned aggressive. You bit your lip between your teeth, whimpering from deep in your throat as he sucked your tit hard. 

You assumed, knowing Kai, that this fling (if one can even call it that) would end the same as any other. He'd built up a hell of a tradition with you, after all. No doubt in your mind, Kai was going to eat your pussy until you came buckets around his face. He'd kiss you again, praise you again, then leave you behind to feel nothing but shame. And you were certain that this time, when he left, he'd never come back. Fifty-fifty shot. Either arrested or killed.

But he didn't sink any lower. Kai came back up from his titty feast to meet your eyes again. His own were darkened with a black mix of melancholy and lust. You were then pulled into another heated kiss, and it tasted just as unpleasant as the last few. Somehow, you found you could tolerate it. Only because you wanted to cherish every, last piece of intimacy Kai had to offer. Just to remember what it used to feel like. He reached for your sleep shorts, tugging them down your thighs along with your panties.

After dropping them to the floor, Kai moved to fumble with his tattered, prison pants. And you didn't get a single second to prepare yourself, before the leaking tip of his cock prodded at your exposed entrance. Kai gave you no warning as he jerked his hips forward, driving his cock into your cunt. Your walls resisted, squeezing to try and push him out. But he buried himself to the hilt, bottoming out inside you with a brusing force.

"Fuck-" He softly groaned, "Your pussy's fucking tight, mommy."

You squealed an embarrassing, pathetic noise. One that rose from your throat and met Kai's tongue. He concealed the sound with his lips to yours, sloppily kissing you as he rutted his hips. The thick length of Kai's cock pumped the walls of your pussy in an unmerciful rhytmn. You balanced yourself with a hand to the countertop, your other scratching lines into the back of Kai's neck. He pulled you closer, throwing one of your legs over his shoulder. With deeper access, his cock stretched you open wide.

Kai was an impossibly tight fit, and the thickness of him made your cunt leak around his length. Every soft grunt and whimper erupting off his lips sent a pleasurable tickle to your core. You held eye contact with Kai, your eyelids hanging low. His own did the same. And with each harsh slap of his pelvis to your clit, pleasure consumed your mind and body. A familiar, blissful warmth tightened within your core.

"J-Just like that, sweet boy." You cried, "You're doin' so good, honey."

"Gonna fuckin' cum, mama."

"Me too, baby-oh~!-me too."

He dropped his head to your shoulder, biting you hard. Muffled groans vibrated along the dampness of your neck. As Kai pressed wet kisses there, you cried out. The vigorous pace of his cock meeting your cervix hit you so deep. Shuddering, your cunt squeezed him even tighter. You choked out more broken whines, and came with a wet gush of your slick around Kai's cock. At the very second you hit climax, Kai did as well. An insane and disturbed killer spilled his hot, thick warmth deep into your pussy. And you loved every second of it.

Again and again, Kai kissed you. His tongue swirled with desperate need for yours, and you kissed him back. Breathing soft, exhausted breaths through your nose. Kai's soaked cock slipped out from inside you, and he tucked himself back into his pants. The sound of glass crunching pulled you straight out of your orgasmic haze. Kai stepped back, still unbothered by the glass under his feet. He looked you over, his breathing ragged. His gaze like the emptiest of black voids.

You sat up on the countertop, hissing as an ache swarmed over your entire body. Bite marks and hickies littered your once clean skin. And a warm thickness leaked slowly from your pulsing cunt.

Tilting your head, you eyed Kai. Anticipating his next move. Uncertain as to where things were supposed to go from here.

Narrowing his eyes, Kai whipped his head around suddenly. He stared off at a corner of the room, as if catching something (or someone) there. You wondered if it was another hallucination. Because whatever he saw, he seemed to listen to it. Kai dropped his head, his eyes darting around at the glass on the floor. Silence ticked by in slow, agonizing seconds. And in your waiting, you felt as though the room somehow grew colder. You wrapped your arms around yourself for warmth.

Kai darted his head up, looking at you as though frightened and alarmed.

"Wait for me." Was all he said.

You nodded, lowering yourself off the counter and to the floor. As you stumbled on aching legs, he reached out to steady you. You were careful not to step on any stray glass, and you brought your hand to Kai's cheek.

"I'll always be here for you, sweet baby."

His gaze dropped to the floor again. And for a moment, he chewed his lip in thought. Another few seconds of silence passed, and Kai's lip stained with blood. He slowly walked away without another word, trailing blood under his feet across your floors. Before he left, he took one, last look at you.

And for a millisecond, you saw him. The Kai you met four years ago. The Kai who'd been sitting on the couch at Winter's with his head in his hands. So sad. And so pathetic. Baby boy.

But in an instant, soullessness overshadowed any inkling of who he used to be. You were reminded again. He was a cold-blooded killer. 

Kai left you behind.

And he never came back.

[yutaholic]

Thank you for even making that post because I honestly feel like I’m going to explode!! Championing every issue is EXHAUSTING. I have such empathy fatigue. Bombardment of “rules”, behavioral guidelines, services, companies, networks + food brands & PEOPLE to boycott ALL THE TIME. Fandom is space many of us come to unplug from reality…it’s certainly my hyperfixation & ppl be like “well then get another one because you shouldn’t support–” IT DOESN’T WORK LIKE THAT. Fuck. I can’t take it anymore. Calls to action being in EVERY single place have weakened my mental state even more than it was before which was already on “pending disability” level of severe & now I’m just. burned t-absolute-f out….at everything!! I can literally FEEL myself unraveling. Kpop stans & their toxic activism can go to hell. They’re so worried about making sure to condemn others for “not doing enough” or being bad people, that they don’t even realize their actions are making them into bad people. This shit takes a toll on mental health, there is science behind this, it is real and what happens to human beings when inundated with constant terrible news, and it’s not just being ~too privileged to care~ but these performative mfs have no concept of blacklisting anymore and just want to assume the absolute worst about someone, call them names & wish harm on folks who are at the end of their ropes! It’s maddening! So even if compassion fatigue isn’t why you didn’t go out of your way to Denounce and Drag™️ him (bc you totally have the right to simply not want to do that on a fanfic blog!) I’m just glad someone else stated that this is supposed to be an ESCAPE. fuck.

Baby, burnout will fuck you up. Don't do that to yourself. Take the time you need and recoup. Life is a constant war and you can afford to lose a battle here and there to focus on your own health and well-being. Getting yourself back into a good place mentally will be a huge win. We both know the ppl obsessed with performative activism aren't doing anything from a place of compassion. The real ones are out there making change, not sending people death threats online from the comfort and safety of their mommy's basement.

When I posted the pic of NCT Dream and Big Time Rush, I wrote in the tags how BTR was something my sister and I loved and bonded over. We watched the show even though it was obviously a kids show and we were both adults. It was just something that gave us joy. My sister passed away years ago and anything BTR-related will make me teary because I think about how much we laughed together over it.

So the first thing I get are messages over how problematic BTR is, that I should delete the post or I'm pro-genocide if I don't dislike them. Ngl that made me so upset because I got a bunch of faceless people trying to taint some precious memories of me and my sister. If they came at me trying to educate me on things I didn't know that would be different, but it's straight to judgment and hatred toward me over something I posted that was totally innocent.

Meanwhile I get criticized for posting about a kpop group instead of reblogging every call to action post. I donate my money to these causes, but I don't post about it because I don't need my ass kissed for doing what I know to be right. I am 1000% sure the anons in my inbox that try to police me have never given a dime to anything, but are policing people's blogs for not reblogging posts or talking about it more.

I feel bad that I haven't been very active on here this year so I try to come on when I have some free time to interact with you guys. I make a silly post about Doyoung and get anons tearing into me for it like I'm his social media manager. Okay so because the world is going to shit we aren't allowed to enjoy anything?? Can't make jokes about anything. Can't show support for anything. Just wrong on every fucking count.

Believe me I am so goddamn aware of how lucky I am that I can sit here and say I'm very privileged that I live comfortably in the life I have. I know what's going on in the world and I do my part to help where I can, but I also have to keep functioning. I don't want every minute of my life to be seeped in anger, I did that for a long time and it not only eats away at you, it makes you ineffective in actually changing the things making you angry in the first place.

This was just supposed to be a blog where I posted my stories. One of the few places I could go and not constantly be reminded of how fucked up the world is. I've always said that people who told me reading a fic of mine made their day a little better or helped them escape for a bit were always my favorite. That was what I came here for and I loved being able to share the tiniest moments of peace and quiet with others through stories with guaranteed happy endings.

I'm frustrated because I have 4 drafts ready to go next year. I got the story posts done and made all the headers. But I don't want to post them. I have no problem admitting I'm selfish and spiteful. Even though I can turn off anon, I can't block these miserable people and I don't want them reading my stuff. They don't get to consume my content and then tell me to off myself right after.

A massive fuck you to those of you that ruined this blog for me.

[zephyr-bazaar]

Intro??

Hi! My name is Draconia and this is my BokuMono Blog (TM) I like and follow from @octahyde!!

Bokumono is my all time, number one favorite series with absolutely zero exceptions. It always has been and always will be the one single most important media to me in my entire life. I got into the series in 2007 and have played almost every game since. This series is such a comfort that when I’m struggling my therapist literally prescribes me to play one of these games.

The only games I haven’t played are the GBC games (I own one of them though), 64, Back To Nature (played every ver of the mineral town games besides it), Save the Homeland/Hero of Leaf Valley (I have the latter but don’t have a good psp. Tfw. I know this makes my pfp very ironic but listen what me and Dia have is So Real.) and Sunshine Islands because I was less than fond of IoH.

I have played every other game in the series besides that! Of those, the only games I actively dislike are Pioneers of Olive Town and Island of Happiness (besides Pierre). I’m good to talk about literally any other game in the series though!!

This series is what got me to draw, write, make plushies, AND cosplay. Igusa Matsuyama to this day is my biggest artistic inspiration.

As for some more info:

My favorite games are Magical Melody, Grand Bazaar, and Trio of Towns.

Of those three, Magical Melody is my favorite. It was the first game in the series I ever played, and will always be the most special to me. No matter what. Thanks to a very cherished person in my life, I even have a disc signed by Yasuhiro Wada himself framed in my apartment. It’s probably my most prized personal, non heirloom possession.

My favorite bachelorettes are Dia, Vivi, and Agate.

My favorite bachelors are Ivan, Nadi, and Chase.

My favorite ship in the series is Jamie/Tina. Babby’s first queer ship…

My favorite crop is tea leaves. Idk if that one is random but my farms are like 95% crops and like a sheep or two so I feel like I should say it becausef I go all fucking in on crops. It’s insane how hard I go on crops dude. I like minmax crops.

I also have a beloved OC X Canon ship The YuzuWren. They have over 100 hours in my copy of 3oT. I’ll link to a post infodumping all about them when I write it!!

I also have an OC x Canon ship in SoS1 (The MistLand), but that one isn’t as special even if it’s just as developed (also they haven’t gotten married yet when The YuzuWren have. Roland’s taking it slow.) I’m also considering making an OC x Canon file in ANB for Felicia just to round out the 3DS games.

My only real DNI is please, for the love of god, do NOT bring up Stardew Valley to me or on my posts. I never have, and never will have any desire to ever play it, and I am exhausted for it being brought up every time someone discusses a series 20 years older than it. Also while minors are fine to follow here, please do not follow my main account. It’s nothing personal, I just don’t want minors on that account. Tumblr is the only social media I talk to people under 21-22 to begin with.

Other farm sims besides Stardew are okay, though! I will likely also discuss Fields of Mistria and Snacko on here! I’m also in desperate need to play Cult of the Lamb, but that’s more fitting for my main blog than here, lol.

I think that covers everything!!!!

[feral-creep]

y’all i just…. AAAAAH

vent about work and creativity and grief incoming

ever since my mom got sick i had to give up my more lucrative “career” day hustle (video editing) and pick up night shifts at a bar. and like. it’s a college dive bar, so the tips are not great.

this particular dive bar is known around the community as the hardest place to work, and the reputation is not for nothin’:

the average server at a normal place has a 4-5 hour shift and covers 3-5 tables. WE, on the other hand, work 10-12 hour shifts with zero mandated breaks and cover 8-10 tables, many of which can seat 8-10 people at a time.

it is exhausting work that has kept me in amazing shape and has kept my sanity during the grieving process… but it’s undeniably hard as fuck.

and i feel like i’m constantly just treading water, not making enough to fully get rid of my credit card debt and move out of this shithole town… i could make so much more money serving in chicago…

yet i’m never working so little as to be able to actually, y’know, write

BUT. but. the job is not why i don’t create as much. the job is not the reason.

the reason is my own dumb brain and my own dumb shame about not being a “responsible” member of society, not being “where i should be” or “where i thought i would be” at 36 years old.

because that concept? it is bullshit. even though my peers who i used to work with in video are all flourishing, it doesn’t matter—they did not have a terminally ill mother living in bumfuck college town of nowheresville, midwaste! so what if they are now getting deals with HBO! that sort of life was maybe never in the cards for dirtbag little ol me!

and also, since like WHEN did i ever care about being a dirtbag loser anyway? being a dirtbag loser is punk rock as fuck????

i am trying to force myself out of thinking that creative pursuits are a “luxury” that must only be pursued once Everything Responsible Has Been Completed—because frankly i don’t even do that shit anyway!!! lmao (what ends up happening is that i spend 5 hours on social media, 0 hours doing laundry, and also 0 hours writing)

so maybe like, fuck twitter, fuck instagram, fuck frittering away my life 5 minutes at a time trying to convince myself i’m totally going to get up and sort thru the mail, and just. do the things i like doing. because THAT is punk as fuck.

basically i’m coming to the conclusion that i have been flailing around trying to escape a situation i am trapped in by being “responsible”—diligent with my money, a good little worker bee, etc etc—and like, very obviously not succeeding, so i might as well live “selfishly” (i.e. creatively)

when i’m dead no one’s gonna be like “feral creep touched our lives by being so on top of her laundry and having a very organized pile of receipts”

no, no they will not!

i still get comments every week or two from readers about how much [save scum] means to them, and fuck if i don’t want to somehow adapt portions of this story and Lethe so she can resonate with even more people outside this fandom…

after, of course, i finish the fic. lmao.

[firstyok]

Just have to put it here, does First have extra muscles in his face or what?? How does he have sooooo many expression even he just like doing nothing with his face?? Like how?? He can literally be anyone with that gift ( and he uses that well)

Hello Broo!! So, I've had to suffer for a long time, processing what to write for your ask, because I've A LOT TO SAY, and I don't know how to start. Let me sum this up!

First's facial expression is the biggest aspect that makes him such an excellent actor! All of the characters that he has played, each and every one of them had an individual presence, aura, demeanor, and a purpose to portray. First does thag successfully every time.

Be it Alan from MLC - Have you seen the rage, frustration and coldness in his eyes? He could just walk in a room, and I'll start trembling down in my knees. His presence is enough to make me stop breathing because I'll be scared asf.

Be it Akk from Eclipse - His eyes, facial movements, and skin palpitations, everything screams a boy who is always suppressing his emotions, trying his best every fucking day, to be someone, others could be proud of. He is devasted and exhausted with all the burden and responsibilities, and yet constantly holds back, tightly at the edge of losing it all. First depicts all of this just by a single gaze, and you'll know his story.

Be it Yok from Not Me - The subtle flirtatious smiles, the slutty eye gazes, the predatory vibe to chase, the cheeky rebellious social activist - First Kanaphan was a literal whore package here, and I am all down for that! He can just look at me, and I'll be like, "FUCKK". Do I need to say anything more?

Be it Kim from The Shipper - Probably the most ideal show to watch if you want to discover this man's true potential. Countless versatile expressions, muscle movements, being the soul of a literal female while he himself is a male, everything he did is chef's kiss. Whether for comedy, body swapping, or even boys love plot - First has slayed all of them on a God-tier level.

To Conclude;

You're right, anon!! First is blessed with this gift of skillfully using his facial expressions, something not many actors can do! First invents expressions that I didn't even know existed! He is that much versatile, and if you haven't seen his works, you won't get how much of a treasure he is!

[jinxed-sinner]

begging other aroacespec Alastor fans to stop acting like the aroacespec community is a monolith

Before I go any further this is a vent so please keep that in mind. Additionally this isn't targeted at anyone specific, I've been meaning to make my stance on this clear since I first got into Hazbin but anxiety's been kicking my ass. So fuck anxiety, I'm getting tired of implicitly being treated like I'm not aroacespec just because I ship Radioapple.

I've mentioned To Preen An Angel's Wings here a few times, but I am very much respecting Alastor's aroace identity while still making it a Radioapple fic because I'm using it as a way to explore my own identity as demiaroace. Hell, I even make it clear that I acknowledge that Alastor is aroace (I literally have Lucifer saying “I know [Alastor]’s not into romance or sex" in the first chapter, within the first 800 words even). Demiaroace is still aroacespec. Asexuality and aromanticism aren't a one-size-fits-all experience.

I still crave a romantic relationship, but due to a combination of social anxiety, being demiaroace, and just anxiety in general, I don't have that yet. My anxiety prevents me from getting to know anyone so I can form the connection required for me to feel attraction. Additionally I have a habit of purposely ignoring red flags in my friendships, which also makes me nervous about being in a romantic relationship. Me craving a romantic relationship doesn't suddenly make me not aroacespec. I'm still aroacespec. Hell, I'm even sex repulsed and think sex is gross but have a high sex drive. How does that happen? Your guess is as good as mine.

I genuinely don't know what it is about the Hazbin Hotel fandom, but I've never been in a fandom that gets this bad about respecting characters' canon sexual/romantic orientations to the point of harassing people over it or feeling the need to comment on everything that can potentially be read as ship, and I've been in both the Sonic and the Undertale fandoms. It's so fucking bad that I've genuinely questioned if some Hazbin fans have ever participated in fandom spaces before.

I'm not saying other aroace people can't project onto Alastor and I'm not saying people have to ship him with anyone; I am however saying that going after people who project onto him differently or going after people who do ship him is not fucking okay.

Act like a fucking adult. If you see something you don't like, just block it like an adult. Stop reminding people every time you see someone say "ship" and "Alastor" in the same post that Alastor's aroace. It's fucking exhausting to me, as someone who is aroacespec, to see other aroacespec people constantly remind others that Alastor's aroace. Nobody's forcing you to do anything, Vivziepop liking Radioapple doesn't mean it'll become canon or that she retconned Alastor being aroace, and fanfiction and fanart aren't canon. Additionally, people shipping something doesn't mean they want it to be canon. I ship Radioapple purely in fanfiction and fanart, I don't want it to be canon.

Grow up, be mature, stop reminding people Alastor's aroace every time a post can vaguely be read as shipping Alastor, for fuck's sake. If it bothers you that bad just block the person who posted it like a mature fucking adult. I will not be budging on this and if you try to start an argument with me about this I won't hesitate to block you because I'm sick of this

[tigre-edi-rawr]

and yet here i am again…

last weekend i went to la union for a team building. i honestly did my best to enjoy all the free stuffs and the moment to unwind.

the sound of the sea waves, the strong and fresh wind, and the peace that comes from each long silence.

but deep inside i was empty. calm but empty.

all i ever think about is maybe it’s a wrong decision to join the team building, leaving someone i love behind at home. i felt bad and selfish. i knew he will feel alone and angry given that i left even if we were in bad terms.

i knew there is no one waiting for me anymore to come back home. i prepared myself and finally finds peace with it.

i got drunk. i called him more than 30 times, i know. i left desperate messages. i miss him, so much, it aches all over my body. i know i did nothing wrong but i wanted to fix us and acknowledge the fact that he did not want me to go but i did which made him feel bad and unnecessary things.… there was no response, not even a left seen messages.

that’s when i knew i needed to compose myself. stop being desperate and accept everything that night. i deleted everything, all his traces but not in my gallery. i’m not there yet, at least that’s what i felt.

on our way back to laguna, i knew i needed to exhaust myself. i wanted to drink so when i lay in my bed, i’ll think of nothing and no one.

i went out with my tita and her friends. went for a long drive and drunk lots of beers that night. never contacted kim again, when i receive messages from him i immediately delete it to stop myself from replying and from making a fool of myself. i enjoyed the night.

i missed my old self. social life. the peace every past midnight where i can fully enjoy myself.

the next day, i refrain from replying still. until i felt a heavy beats in my heart knowing june 24 is our monthsary. all the thoughts, what ifs, memories came flashing back. it hurts so much. then i replied back…. next thing i know he is outside our house, waiting for me to see him and talk everything out.

we did. i firmly said i don’t want to fix us anymore. i bid my goodbye and suddenly he asked for a last hug. i refused, then he cried secretly.

my heart even broke to pieces i didn’t even imagine. but still, i left the car and went inside our home.

as i was standing beside the door, i felt the sudden urge to go back and hug him. i did. and that night, we were okay but not really…..

i knew i’m not okay. the next day, i felt nothing. i am not hurting, i’m calm but i have zero fucks to give anymore.

i know this side of me. i know deep down i’m more than ready to let go.

up until today, i haven’t found the right time to have the “talk” with him.

[skinnypaleangryperson]

My own family told me I was on my own tonight. They never cared enough to help me to drive despite doing it for my sister and now I do everything with exhaustion with wind, cold wind and almost getting run over by cars everyday just from going on a mundane errand for other people that they don't even think of. I can't get married, can't date, can barely find a job to barely make any money in a broken up economy, can't even die early because it would break poor mommy's heart and God forbid that she's as miserable as I am everyday.

No one has ever once cared a single thing about me much less my passions creativity are the only thing that's ever helped me to get through this hell of a curse of a race every single day. And not one person. It's starting to kill me and my sanity alive. If my own family tells me that I'm on my own and couldn't give me the basic necessities to even function like a less than average person in society than that's it. I couldn't possibly ever expect anything from a single person on this earth and at 27 I'm past my prime anyway and obviously I've been put in a placeholder of my social status in life. I wish I could go in full shutdown mode but of course I get to neurotic and just have to try to live even if it's the most pathetic nonsense with this mundane pathetic and a worthless pathetic aimless life no matter how much I've put in genuine effort and schedule every day to make it something worth something, everything, literally everything even things I didn't want to do that I was forced to do was a dead end. I can give up now, I've been manic literally all day long since I woke up this morning being abused from start to finish on every platform and every possible way about being not special and not deserving anything and fucking GODDMAN GIVE UP. I'm so sick piss of this life and of the future that's going to be even blacker than my mundane stagged and meaningless reality I've been already living for years doing nothing but getting abused by strangers that will never think anything of me or people like me, that I can't even stand it anymore, I'm genuinely manic. I can't even see straight. The future is only going to be even worse, but God forbid that I die the way that I want to because it would break mommy's heart and God forbid that I do with something for myself or once instead of suffering.