#i am definitely still very sad
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i would like to say my ideal PJO adaptation (if i was being physically forced against my will to have to pick a live action adaptation over an animated one for some reason) would be a combo like writing of the musical + casting of the show + visuals of the movies
BUT the show actually does have the playwright for the musical as one of the major writers for like three episodes and that did nothing for it. so...
#pjo#riordanverse#pjo tv crit#i do love the casting for the musical lots and lots though#it was really good#i do also have some nitpicks for show casting but they're largely inconsequential#like majority i very much enjoy and think are cast well#i only have one i'd say im actually disappointed with and that's Poseidon. idk he just feels. bland??? does that make sense?#like idk maybe it's the costuming but im not getting Sea God *or* Fishing Dad from him#like i think i kinda see what they were going for and i saw some gifs of him in another show where he plays a pirate and its like#okay. *little* bit better. but idk im just not getting Poseidon from it#in general most of the immortals in the show dont feel very Immortal(tm) but thats definitely mostly just the writing/show itself#not any reflection of the casting#my only other two are i would have liked plus sized Clarisse. i am VERY sad we didnt get that#Dior is a VERY good Clarisse though so i'm not too upset about it. i like her Clarisse energy. the yelling is fantastic.#my most controversial pjo tv take is im still meh on Walker. like he's fine. but like he's kind of Just Fine to me so far#its probably mostly the writing being bad but he hasnt grown on me as Percy yet. i can tell he has the energy though in interviews n stuff#and the main trio dynamic in interviews and stuff is *very* good. i just wish the show writing was better#because the casting IS very good but they have so little to work with. you can really tell theyre trying their best#i like to joke the show would be better if they just set the cast loose in the woods doing in-character improv#like its clear basically all of them know their characters SUPER well. id watch 8 episodes of in the woods pjo cosplay improv.
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"I expected to be greeted as a hero - but the wretches imprisoned me, and tried to tear my mind apart. I didn't think anyone would come for me."
#this breaks my heart yet I can’t stop looking at it#I’VE COME FOR YOU MY LOVE#she is so broken I need to show her real love and real trust and real loyalty#I need to hug her#and#make her feel safe#minthara baenre#bg3#baldur's gate 3#minthara#I think I am getting better at making gifs! finding ways to improve quality still but this is definitely better than the last#but i'm sad it's not very sharp ):
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This most recent FHJY episode has, I think, finally radicalized me against D&D. There are just so many story beats that I feel like got lost because the system, in many ways, requires a fight to the death.
#I am also separately a little disappointed in what feels like a hesitance to engage with attempts at prioritizing story#(I am. very sad. Brennan didn’t do anything to reward Fig’s engagement with Ruben)#(and they still have the 2nd part to turn it around!)#but also just D&D is a system built for a very specific type of story#and getting to see other systems played on d20#(and playing other systems on my own)#have just really made me realize how much D&D is not MY type of/favorite type of system#(there are definitely things that could have been written differently to accommodate the system too)#(but that’s separate I think)#fantasy high#fhjy#fhjy spoilers#fhjy discussion#D&D as a system has officially disappointed me too much :(
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hello people who live in my phone. why did my computer take a dozen screenshots of the Minecraft video settings menu instead of the game while I was walking around taking pictures of the house i built? I'm sad :(
#this is a joke. i dont care to know but i Am sad. i built zephyr and renards house bc i needed to figure out its layout.#i wanted to show people but No my computer thinks the fucking pause menu is more interesting#Like TBF i have modded this bitch. a pretty decent amount. this could very well be my fault#i didn't build an exterior i just did the interior#its the worse looking thing ive ever built#ie an extremely accurate depiction of those white on white on white remodels that have no definition or soul#white carpet white walls white ceiling. grey or tealy blue furniture. You know the vibe#So boring theres nothing to object to when you look at it.#Anyways their house is two stories 3 bedroom 2 bath with a basement sunroom thing a small finished attic.#Lots of places to get separated and hide out from eachother#Open floor plan in the main space though. I didn't make it large enough for the living/dining/and kitchen to be completely separate#still a fucking massive house#for two guys with no family that can vist and no desire to have kids#they dont need that much space
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Hey I just want to know something: am I the stupidest person on the planet or the f1 fandom is built differently?
Everytime I go on a social media to look up f1 content I see cute/horny (let's be honest) edits and everybody calling the drivers pookie or making memes. And that's alright, I guess.
I most definitely know that a bunch of (mostly white) men in a very competitive male-dominated sport rooted more than many others in capitalism are probably going to have scandals around them. I am not that dumb. I also know that because probably none of them is scandal-free and people who get crushes/hyperfixation on them just learn to live with them, but I didn't think they just...ignored them? Swept them under the rug? Let me explain.
When I so much as stumble on a TikTok with a song by The 1975 or McCafferty- or hell even Lovejoy recently- I see comments flooding with "bUt DoN't YoU kNoW tHeY'rE pRoBlEmAtIC?". Same happened with content about cinema or books. And on Tumblr happens less but still happens. As soon as you mention something that has ties with sexism, racism, homophobia, etc. people will soon point it out to you. Maybe because they're some of those people with the obsession of only consuming "morally pure" content, maybe they genuinely want to inform you, maybe they fucking hate that song/book/movie and want to give YOU a reason to dislike it.
But can someone tell me if I'm fucking dumb and I managed to stumble in the wrong part of instagram/tumblr/TikTok or NOBODY fucking talks about the shit some drivers have done? Because I am stumbling on a LOT of shit done by drivers I really liked lately even though I have been interested in F1 for a while now. Not too long, but enough that I think I would have heard some stuff.
Like, if I spent like 6 months on the hashtag of Guy Who Drives, why am I now finding out that they said something really discriminatory? I am just confused, I simply thought it would have popped out sooner, but apparently it was buried under 500+ posts about their abs? Like what?
I get that anyway it's not like you can cancel a driver, no matter what shit they say they'll probably still going to be racing the next weekend, but why people don't talk about it? Was my socials' fault for showing me horny posts everytime I simply looked up the name of a guy or do people don't talk about this stuff in the f1 community because "what are you gonna do anyway"?
I am leaning towards the second option because there are a few things that happened while I was already watching f1 (not in order: Lando's comments about, Trump, Hornergate, most drivers saying Hornergate was just noise) and at first people were talking about it but then they just...stopped? Like, I don't know, personally the words of disenterest many drivers expressed about Hornergate made me change my opinion about them at least a little and people seemed so outraged at first but now...it's like it never happened. Everybody back thirsting on main for Ricciardo, Norris, etc.
Genuine question, is the general response of the f1 community to these behaviours "forgive and forget in time of the next gp"? Am I missing something? I don't think they should be crucified but why I have not seen more people talking about this stuff? The "serious sport bunch" seems to be uninterested in "gossip" or whatever happens outsid the tracks, the good old fashioned fandom is writing fanfiction/making edits/funny posts, who keeps tracks of this stuff?
I have never been interested in a sport before. In the artistic world (cinema, literature, etc.) some scandals can get you out of a job and a long lasting hatred from the community. In motorsports, because the success of a driver does not depend from his fans' engagement but can be "objectively proved" by results and victories, do people just...make peace with the fact that some athletes are pieces of shit?
I want to specify it one more time, I am NOT saying LET'S CANCEL ALL THE DRIVERS AND BOO THEM BECAUSE THEY HAVE DONE SOMETHING QRONG AT SOME POINT, I am asking:
how do you deal when an athlete you cheer for does something really fucked up, and you know other athletes in the same field are no saints?
#yes this was prompted by sad discoveries about kimi räikkönen#like fuck I could find so many fucking useless anecdotes about him and NOTHING about the sa allegations or the merch?#which then prompyed a research about kimi's other controversies which brought up controversies from other drivers#I am sorry I understand if I sound naive but please understand this is the first time I get into a sport#and again the world of literature of cinema for exmaple os very different because not even considering the whole cancel culture#but just at school or university professors say like 'yo this is a very important book from a very important author but hey it also happens#to be racist so pay attention to that'#I guess I didn't expect too much fucked up stuff from kimi because he was (still is? I think?) seb's friend#and look what I know about Seb is that that man advocated for the environment women and the LGBQTIA+ community#so maybe I thought a stupid thing and didn't think he would such a close friend of someone who had those sort of allegations#I thought the stupid thing#f1#formula 1#controversies#also me looking up 'x driver controversies' on this hellsite because google is useless anyway#(and often journalists do not label as controversies shit that definitely is controversial)#tumblr results: being x driver controversial young girlfriend#SEE WHAT I MEAN#btw thanks lewis hamilton for existing I guess and not giving me heart attacks bc even where you've done wrong you apologised and grew up#which not many drivers seem to do
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........creachure
#cats#his eyes are always so big and weird he no longer looks like a cat anymore sometimes.. in a way...#it's hard to understand.. complicated vibes on this boy#his summer sprawl (laying flopped out on the floor weird because of the heat)#I AM still trying to get some costumes done and also post another poll advtnure so I can finally finish it lol#the weather this month has just been soooo.... There was the heat wave and then after like 2 days of coolenss where I was like 'ah! finally#I can be productiv!' but just as soon as I had recovered from the heat.. it got hot again ghhhh#currently sweating inside. I actually had to leave my doctors appointment early today because I was just so so warm from#sitting in the car and the fac tthat half the buildings still do not have their air up very high and etc. and I felt so nausous#and flushed and started to get back and stomach pains for some reason.. Which I guess is good in a way to further confirm to doctors that#I Have Something Wrong With Me lol (most normal people should not be this heat sensitive I think) but is also still a little stinky#because I still payed a copay for the fulla appointment time but cit it short by leaving 15minues early.. grrr#ANYWAY. It seems like recently it's just hot all the time but it will ocasionally tempt you with a cool day of reprieve BUT don't let your#guard down! because as soon as you start to think 'hey things are getting better! :0' the sun will be like NO actualy. scalding temperature#be upon ye..#Which of COURSE. I would rather have hot weather with little breaks in between than just constant hot weather. 100% definitely.#but it just always makes me sad because I get my hopes up lol.. JUST as I've recovered from the past heat and am So Ready To Start#On All My Things now That I'm Not As Sick And Hey Maybe It's Even Cool Enough To Do A Costume! .. my hopes are dashed#.. woe and so on and so forth. . Which I am stil managing to get a few things done but just.. not the things I really WANT to do (costumes.#sculptures. edit videos. etc. ).#anyway.. look at son.. If nothing else I still have lots of cat photos.. my sole productivity offerings to the internet online world
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VUXisms (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Damned#ZEX#Or if you prefer my very Normal Collection of ZEX stimming lol#I'm not choosing to read alien behaviours through a neurodivergent lense you can't prove anything#Okay you got me yes I am lol - in conjunction with my ADHD Max HC (which I am only more convinced of lol) I went into this with#Really any kind of self-soothing behaviour fascinates me :D And ZEX definitely needs the soothing ;;#But it's not just the stimming! Though I did keep pretty diligent notes about that lol he's deeply interesting to me!#He's a texture person! Part of that is due to being VUX and having very processed food but if it fits it fits!#I'm also a texture person - again I have too many notes relating to ZEX lol#I also find it charming (or sad - whichever is applicable at the time!) when ZEX eats in ''odd'' ways haha ♪#Eating without utensils - you can always just wash your hands you do you <3#The weighted blanket lol so - I had a very normal and measured reaction to ZEX enjoying full-body pressure lol#Solely and purely intellectual! Of course! VUX enjoy swimming! Full-body pressure makes complete sense!#And he's a tactile person on top of that - pressure good for multiple reasons! I really do think he'd sleep better with a weighted blanket ♪#Back to stimming! I really loved the scene of him opening the water bottle and his therapist being So Impatient with him about it lol#Let him figure it out! He's very intelligent! Very skilled at finding weak points and exploiting them hehe <3#But then he runs his finger on the lip of the bottle! Wine-glassing it while he talks hehe <3 I love him#Humming!! Another stim I relate to! Not so much now since it was ''encouraged'' out of me so I may be doubly biased towards him using it hee#Too delighted to focus on utensil lessons and yet he's still clever enough to pay attention to multiple things at once hehehe ♫#And then aside from his actual biggest stim he plays with his hair quite a lot - in various ways and to different ends :D#Running his hands through it to self-soothe or tugging on it to express - I kinda read it as him trying to move his head feelers around haha#Not quite the same but something!#Oh and then his biggest stim - just looking at humans lol it is very dopamine-delivering <3 And he has dopamine now! Very powerful :3c#Hhhhh human chemistry for VUX behaviours <3 It's so interesting to me hehe ♪
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this is not the first time jiyong hinted that still life was not supposed to be a single but a full come back
my boys prepared for it. they looked fucking great and they were so ready to reconquer the world
whatever happened that dismantled that project, definitely hurt them and that is not fair
not to dwell on past but listening to him hinting how 2022 wasn't supposed to stop with still life makes me ache
#home sweet home was originally a bigbang song he said#we all can hear where tabi should fit in there#also am i delusional but i definitely remember seeing jiyong going to squid game 2 set pic where he looked let down#i wonder if he tried approaching and was rejected#tabi supposedly blocked them recently right?#hsh was recording very recently too and the bg clip looks fucking sad#man... whatever it is my boys are fucking strong as fuck. that is all im gonna say#its not easy working with ppl as much as solo#bigbang#big bang#2022 bigbang looks were so fucking goood damned#his hair and everything#i remember post still life was when tabi signed out of yg. whatever made him to do so...
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margaery when she heard renly and loras were scheming to get her to court so robert would become infatuated with her and replace cersei with her
#♡ about. ⊱ ❝ 𝘌𝘯𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘳𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘢 𝘴𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘢𝘥𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘰𝘳 𝘢 𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘬𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘴. ❞#I think this is like . . . the one scheme of theirs that she wasn't really a willing participant in lmao#like I'm sorry boys but that was SUCH a fucking stupid play to try to make. and not one I see marg attempting on her own volition.#it would have done a lot to give renly and loras more sway but would have done jack shit for marg personally and she would recognize that#the sad thing is I don't think she would have refused to do it altogether but it definitely wasn't the same prospect to her#as trying to marry joffrey or tommen#like yes marg wanted power she wanted to be THE queen but it's just Different under those circumstances#unsettling implications aside#with joffrey or tommen she felt she could have power over them at the very least#which is what put her into competition with cersei bc cersei wanted to keep that control over her sons#robert was much older and already married and she wouldn't have any power over him. cersei didn't and she's cersei fucking lannister.#and plus being seen as a 'mistress' first would have been bad for her reputation and we know how important her reputation is to her#and on top of all of that what is the fucking point??? if robert was almost guaranteed to die when she's still young????#then she'd just have to marry joffrey anyway if she had any hope to remain queen#but that would be almost impossible given the circumstances of her being previously married to his 'father'#also the irony of them planning this because they think she looks like lyanna and that will be enough to entice robert isn't lost on me#if they succeeded they would have just been damning her to the same fate lyanna had tried to run from#anyway the whole situation is just Nasty and I am shaking renly and loras by their well-conditioned hair#it's scary its gross it's ironic and sad
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Thinking out loud but i feel the many online friends that i got to hang out online watching stuff with were truly good at inviting ;_; and i am so bad/embarrassed about it like i will be hahaha heee do you wanna watch a movie together teehee haha no force (throws up)
#Has only done that with one friend though haha ..#But we havnt been in touch and i am sads but its ok#We watched things for more than 2 yrs and i made a lil note in my diary too cause i was so happy she was definitely a friend whose company#I liked#Hahhahahaha its ok i dont miss her#Anywaysss back to the topic#How do you people online meet and fall in love like i cant even ask someones name#I am very grateful for everyone online who has talked to me and who are still friends#Thank you for initiating and putting up with my awkward self lol#Lets be in each others life for as long as we can<3<3
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I keep listening to different pieces of music that I love and then my brain comes in all helpful with 'this sounds like great music to die with doesn't it'
#tw suicide#im just. so tired#and i know that right now part of it is im sick (not covid tho) but still.#and it's like im grieving the lost friendship all over again and what might have been#i am the best version of myself when im with the boy. but now no wonder he is avoiding me. and i don't blame him! but for some reason it's#hitting rlly hard again atm and it's just. Im Sad.#i really don't know why that's so prevalent in my mind right now#and it's rlly not safe for me to drive long distances alone i think. i find driving v stressful#and any guesses what *that* leads to#tw sh#the answer was: a frightening amount.#and then there are things i don't understand#my brother begged me to destroy the suicide note i wrote yesterday#and i don't know why. because it's very unlikely to be something that i would stop to do tbh. so what there is would at least explain#*something* perhaps. i don't know#i have spent more than half of my waking hours in the last week seriously thinking of suicide. i don't know how to stop this#and given that i've read two books in full and gone to a play i enjoyed that says something about what hte rest of the time has been filled#with. i don't know how to get out of this. in some ways i feel like it's worse now than it was bc i expected it to get better when mum and#dad got back. if anything it's worse - more constant.#the lows are not quite as low but the baseline is definitely lower#i am just feeling very hopeless rn#yesterday i was driving and reciting psalm 23 and i was so overcome with emotion and i repeated it multiple times and that helped somewhat#but only in the moment ig. i don't know. i don't know how to fix this or even improve it#if im still feeling like this on monday i am so going to walk over the road and straight-up ask to borrow a kitten overnight.#and hope the kitten doesn't decide to go near all the cuts :(#a part of me is genuinely wondering if i should check myself into a psych ward. the other parts of me say either that this isn't bad enough#for that or thta i am simply too scared to. which is true. nasty stuff in psych wards for obvious reasons#anyway i need prayers thankyou
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To me
-you have been so active and taken such better care of your physical health
-you’ve successfully been training for your race in 2 weeks and for the first time will go to a race prepared fully for the distance
-you are in such a good habit of walking every day now during lunch instead of taking a nap. It has lifted your mood so much
-you’ve gone over a week without talking to your ex since you said you were done with contact. Even when you have cried about sad things and wanted to reach out for support, you found it other places or just let yourself feel it
-you successfully weaned off of your anti depressants and you are crying more but it feels good to feel. The highs are higher, the sadness is normal. The anxiety hasn’t been what is was before medication.
-you’ve had a lot of fun times with your friends this week
-you have exciting projects at work and are doing an awesome job managing them
-you received an award that not many people get that a VP had to directly nominate you for
-you are putting yourself out there and have found intimacy with new people. You are going on a trip with someone
-you have owned your own home for 2 years as of today and that is exciting and you should be proud
#personal#me#mine#pep talk to me#I should add in the tags here that mentally I am actually very very very sad right now#definitely struggling but learning to accept that#I’m trying to actively find pride in myself#because I have a lot to be proud of and have made so much progress#yet I still feel so empty lately
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Bee and puppycat lazy in space I love you so so much it's not even funny
#ramblings of a lunatic#decided to rewatch it again bc the toh finale has had me in a tizzy and while I'm getting better#it's definitely been hard just floating about in fandom space knowing that the show is ending and that in the scenario we do get more of it#in another form ofc#it won't be for a long time yknow?#it's saddening and back in September when i was uh. Very Sad bapc was really there for me#i was out here ardently defending the netflix series' writing bc i genuinely thought it was really good#and i still do#but more than that this show is intensely comforting in a way i can't really place/describe#it's a magical girl show. it's a workplace comedy. 99% of the cast is 25 years or older. its a coming of age story.#it's has pastel and lo-fi art direction. it's cosmic horror. the main character is so caring and yet so selfish and also autistic#and a robot#all of her romantic relationships are intensely weird and frankly are her least interesting dynamics#her most interesting dynamics are with her roomate/pet who's actually a space pirate cursed to look like a marketable plushy#and with her 8 year old landlord who's mom was childhood best friends with her dad making them family in a sense#except they're not really. also they're foils (she's an immature adult he's a kid who tries to be more responsible than he is)#it's filled with intense melancholy and multiple characters suffer from un-talked about depression#it is one of the cutest and brightest shows i have ever seen (in a non-obnoxious or technicolor way) and has an intense air of whimsy#it kinda has a fandom but not a big one despite having an undeniable impact in online animation culture and a bit on online culture overall#I'm not captivated by it in a fandom-y sense but i am obsessed with it. it's like wuthering heights to me#i love this show
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This has been a rant building up for a while now and I just need to put it in here but it's that. I remember the joy and excitement I felt when I watched y/o/i ep 1 - 10 because I literally. Knew nothing about the show except for the fact it was gay?? dvsjgshd but it just was so GOOD but then I. Came across a couple of interpretations of ep 11-12 (which I hadn't watched by then so I had no idea what went down) which was just people being disappointed, people thinking the ending was changed for a season 2, people thinking it was out of nowhere (especially V/ictor's comeback?? I guess??) And that really. messed up my perception of the show?? Like upto then I was forming my own interpretations of the characters and after this I. Was lowkey scared to watch the last two episodes because I was afraid of it being bad™ (if that even makes sense) and then one day even when I did watch them I didn't watch them properly?? Like I even missed a lot of scene and dialogue because I was too nervous about what I had read about it before.
And like. I don't even think those interpretations are entirely wrong for record. I understand that especially when there was a whole week between episodes and when the fandom was so huge and active people might have a very different viewing experience which directly plays into how they interpreted the character arcs! And those interpretation are extremely valid even though I disagree with them. The show definitely leaves a lot upto intrepretation of the viewers so there isn't any interpretation that is necessarily wrong™ (Idk how to phrase this sorry)
But it's just that I wasn't able to form MY own interpretation properly because I was influenced by others' ?? (In lack of a better way to word it) and I just. I've been mulling over this for a whole MONTH and going back and forth and back about the ending. And it just feels very draining when I go out to look for meta and people who had opinions similar to mine and find...like what ten people?? it kind of makes me feel like I am looking at things wrong, and that probably the finale WAS just bad or whatever (which seems to be a more common idea in what I've seen)
I do think there were pacing issues, and I do think the character arcs CAN be interpreted differently than what they are in the finale but I also am a bit sad that not many people tried to recontextualise the show in light of the finale (again, it isn't a MUST But I really wish people tried to if I am making sense?)
And it's sad because I know this can be fun if I just created my own bubble without all the meta and opinions I disagree with but it's hard when that is somehow always what I come across? And I KNOW I should stop reading a post when I see that it may suggest something towards the opinions that I disagree with (because that'll just waste my energy), but then what if I AM wrong? What if those posts are right and I am willingly closing my eye towards what the characters originally are or something?? Is what perplexes me out and really makes me sort of nervous and uneasy(?)
And now it is getting worse and I feel like I am slowly losing all the love I had for this show and it absolutely SUCKS because I just want to enjoy this silly little show and now this is all....just a mess
#N rambles#I feel like I am just repeating things at this point#I've been trying to hold back a lot from venting about this on the main because it just plainly seems like a very trivial thing to be this#upset about#But after weeks of ranting in tags I just feel I really HAVE to say this because it is actually really making me sad#Like. I thought maybe after exams I wouldn't be upset? And I was so excited to do a lot more things for the show#I was so excited and looking forward to this#Especially since I have TOO much of free time now so I also am prone to overthinking in such a situation#And I did and this just sucks and I am fed up with just overthinking and keeping all of this to myself and getting too upset#so. yeah. I still feel very bad but I also think it's probably due to a lot. Of other factors#and this one is not helping#And for one thing: I am actually really nervous about posting this because this seems to be such a dividing topic#And by no means am I saying people shouldn't have been upset - but...yeah#I just. Don't know. I really do wish I could find more people who are active and who liked the finale?? I really want to talk about#The character arcs and themes and ramble about them but there's no one to. talk about it to positively???#I also want to rewatch the show. It would actually just solve this problem but#I am low-key scared??? I don't think this would be a right time to do it because I am just really confused about this whole issue and it#Will definitely reflect in forming my own opinions and I don't want that#like at this point I just want to discuss about the finale with people who also didn't feel it was too off or ooc or something#And just tried to intrepret it in good faith#Again I don't really care about people disliking it obviously#It's just that*I* wish I could find more people who liked it#(sorry for the weird phrasing in this whole post I am trying to express what I feel but idk how to do it exactly)#Also I used the slashes because I don't want this to turn up on search sorry
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vent iii.
#yeah i could just make a 'read more' post but tags are better for me#more hiding#anyway#i have this problem where my sister is probably moving out next year but she can't rly do that without me bc her dog has issues#and i would have to take him out and feed all the animals while she's at work during the day bc nobody else can#but even with that being taken into account she would still charge me over double what i'm paying now for rent and i cannot afford that#and she says i'd have to get a job too but excuse me how am i supposed to work when i also have to be home to look after your animals??#barn job would be nice bc short hours but it also wouldn't be enough to pay what she'd charge me#so i'm screwed there#anyway i WISH i could make enough money to live on my own but i CAN'T#ik i probably sound very lazy and spoiled and i get that i am definitely priviliged to get to live at home for cheap rent#but it also fucks with my mental health so bad living here. and i want to live on my own but it's just not an option rn#i have dreams and they're such basic sad dreams that i still don't think i'll ever accomplish#like i want to live in my own small travel trailer. that's all. my own space. or a tiny falling apart cabin that i can fix up#that's all i want and it seems impossible for me#i'm not built to live in this world. my body and mind cannot take it. i have tried. i've tried so hard#honestly if i had to work full time again i don't think i'd actually be able to stay alive to benefit from it. it would burn me out too bad#there's no win for me#i'm still trying to figure something out but i'm honestly not hopefull at all
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Haha don’t pay me any mind oho
#vent#ok. so#I was! fine for the most part today! but then! idk what happened!#I’m like sad now! depressed? like. I kinda don’t feel real#I think I was giving myself anxiety over thoughts. got really clammy. literally shoveled goldfish crackers into my face#now don’t judge me but#I’ve been looking at things that make me feel bad for like. at least 4 hours now haha..#I dunno man it’s the adhd I got one thought about thing that made me upset and now I’m hours in and my emotions are fried#and. shh don’t tell anyone I feel things but I know have a fantasy of someone I can cry around#whehe how pathetic is that. scraping the bottom of the barrel here looking for another human just let me cry @ you#hmm. how did I go from thinking up poems for valentines only to. feel so cold and alone#I’m not crying. but. I definitely need to later haha maybe this all kickstarted from my two whole hours of sleep last night 😎#mhm so uh. if your reading this with the most cold unfeeling monotone voice then you are exceptionally accurate!i am currently not all here#can’t sleep now tho gotta. do other shit I guess#I’m laying in bed for a second though. my legs were very cold to the touch. unfeeling unhuman#oh and I might be balding potentially but that’s still just a theory. my dad noticed and pointed it out#haha what would I be withought my hair? another germ just populating this Earth?#oho ahh. hm. I’m just a trying to say I don’t fell right now if that makes sense. anyways
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