#i am contradicting myself every time i talk about this but whatever

[wen-kexing-apologist]

Symptoms of a System Error: The Manifestation of Myungha's Depression in Love for Love's Sake

Ok I will almost certainly have more thoughts about this when I go back to rewatch Love for Love’s Sake in the next couple weeks, but I’ve been thinking about the finale for the last couple of hours and I want to get some stuff out of my head. Before I get too far in to this, I want to say that I think most of the ambiguity in the show is brilliantly executed in a way that allows people to take whatever meaning they want to from it without contradicting each other, without stepping on toes, and without having to twist or bend the narrative beyond all recognition to  make it make sense. 

So I want to talk about the use of depression in this show, because the way Myungha exists in the world is recognizable enough to me that these moments of choice, and the system errors were extremely legible. That doesn’t mean my take is the correct one (and I honestly don’t think there is one right answer here anyway) but it’s what I got out of it, so with the needless ramble complete, let’s get to it. 

Prologue

gif by @dramascene

I connected rather quickly to Myungha as a character from right near the beginning of episode 1 because of how passionate he was about the character of Yeowoon and how much he hoped for a happy ending for that character. As someone who processes a lot of my feelings, and who understands myself better through media consumption, I was quick to appreciate the fact that Myungha recognizes the parts of himself that speak to Yeowoon and to know that because Yeowoon is fictional, he has a chance not to suffer with merely a stroke of a pen. The Author could have chosen from the beginning to give Yeowoon a happy ending, and did not because he believes that there are people for whom bad things will never stop happening. But from the perspective of a fictional story, the Author should consider who he is writing the story for. Myungha connects to Yeowoon, and it sends one hell of a tragic message for how Myungha’s life will end up if even in fiction the people who suffer have no hope of happiness. 

Myungha tells the Author that someone like Cha Yeowoon, someone like him [Myungha] with awful lives can still be happy. Looking back on that statement with the knowledge that Myungha kills himself, sends a very clear message, at least for me, of the hope that he was clinging to and finally lost his grip on. The Author asks if Myungha can change the outcome, and thus begins our story.

Debuffs

Now, I don’t know that I will have much more to say here than what @jemmo said in their very brilliant post, beyond the fact I agree with their interpretation of the debuffs. But I am thinking about the debuffs as it relates to mental health and to Myungha’s independence. One of Myungha’s first missions is to befriend Cha Yeowoon, and we see the difficulties associated with doing so when it comes to the Fondness Level meter and the debuffs that happen as a result. I love what Jess said about the dichotomy there: the debuffs mean that every time Myungha gets close to Yeowoon, something bad happens, Myungha uses that as a reason to stay away from Yeowoon to protect him when in fact, being around Myungha and increasing his fondness for him is the only way to really keep Yeowoon safe. 

gif by @dramascene

And here again there is something recognizable to me in this dichotomy. Myungha likes Yeowoon, Myungha wants to be friends with Yeowoon, every time something bad might happen to Yeowoon, Myungha is there to intervene. But Myungha is convinced that the potentially negative events that might occur during a debuff are because of him, and so he avoids Yeowoon as much as he possibly can. To me this makes the debuffs a stand in for depression symptoms. Myungha has convinced himself that he is the cause of the bad moments in Yeowoon’s day. Myungha has convinced himself that Yeowoon would be better off if they weren’t friends, because he only makes things worse. And that is not something he can easily shake off, it’s not something he can logic his way out of, that’s the game, that’s just how it is. And so he withdraws until Yeowoon comes to him. 

And honestly thinking about it, nothing bad really happens during those debuffs. The light doesn’t shatter, the boys back off on the bus, Yeowoon doesn’t punch Sangwon. Maybe the reason why nothing at all happens is because Myungha intervenes. Maybe if Myungha hadn’t been there, the light would have broken, maybe if Myungha hadn’t been there Yeowoon would have punched Sangwon. But that is not a lens that Myungha is capable of viewing himself through, that is never an option that crosses Myungha’s mind because he is too focused on feeling like the cause of Yeowoon’s problems. 

System Errors

I know there is a lot of confusion or at least uncertainty around the system errors. Why are they happening? Where are they coming from? For me, I think the answer is Myungha himself. The first time we get a system error, it’s in Episode 6, what I think is the day after Yeowoon and Myungha have their first kiss and very soon after Yeowoon and Myungha kiss on the rooftop at school. The first error isn’t subtle, but it’s not explicitly stated. Myungha walks in to a room to take a phone call and walks in to the middle of band practice, falling through the world as he tries to remove himself from the situation until he (literally) runs in to Yeowoon. Myungha goes home that night and gets his first moments in the black abyss, and the first explicit mention via pop-up of a system error. I have not gone through (yet) to track every instance of what happens before a system error pop-up occurs from that point on, but I will say moment that was most legible for me in terms of indicating that these system errors were stemming from Myungha himself were when he gets the notification both times that Yeowoon looks directly at him and tells Myungha “I love you.” 

gif by @dragonsareawesome123

That moment was a guy punch for me because I was not able to see it any other way except that Myungha is so incapable of believing that people could actually love him that someone telling him directly and sincerely that they love him cannot exist in his world. He literally cannot compute it, and thus an error occurs. Again from the perspective of depression, or trauma, or what have you, this is familiar to me. It is perhaps the most reflective part of Myungha to my own psyche. Neither of us know how to be loved. 

Myungha is called out on this repeatedly, he is nice to everyone, he does so much for everyone and refuses to ask for help himself. I’m the same way, I will bend over backwards as much as I can to help the people that I care about, but it is a rare occasion where I can ask for help myself. I’m not sure if this is the case for Myungha, but for me at least a lot of that stems from needing to make myself useful to people in some way so they keep me around. And so I end up feeling like a commodity to the people that I care about and help, and merely tolerated by anyone else that I do not help but that interacts with me any way. Myungha is called out consistently by multiple people, real or NPC about this similar habit. Myungha does not want to be a burden, Myungha only cares about other people’s happiness, Myungha is not happy himself and has maybe never been happy and so he pours everything he can in to lightening the load for others. 

He loves Yeowoon, but to be loved by Yeowoon is different. To experience any moments of joy cannot possibly be real. Maybe I am projecting too much on to the character, but it makes complete and total sense to me that Myungha’s worldview would break down upon having someone state wholeheartedly that they want to be a support system for him. 

Cruel Choices

gif by @dramascene

With the enmeshment of depression and video game mechanics in mind, I want to talk about the scene at the end of Episode 6. I love this scene so much for a number of reasons: 

It turns the game on a head for me as we slip further and further in to a nightmare scenario

It raises the stakes and attempts to get Myungha to make a hard choice 

It forces Myungha to think about what is important to him 

It’s ultimate purpose and who is posting the mission is ambiguous/uncertain 

I’m going to focus on number four. I think it is a perfectly valid read to see this and all video game mechanics as designed by The Author in an effort to help Myungha change Yeowoon’s story in which case this mission feels particularly vindictive and cruel. @lurkingshan posed the question in a conversation we were having about Love for Love’s Sake, where she wondered why the game could not hold two sources of love for Myungha at once. I love that question because it made me realize how differently this show can be read and how important who you choose to read as the entity in control of this game is for what this scene specifically means and I love so many interpretations of it, I love the interpretation that is was simply cruel, I love the interpretation that in retrospect this was the Author being angry at Myungha for dying, I love the reflection from @jemmo that said this felt like a choice between staying rooted in the past (sparing grandma) or choosing a future (sparing Yeowoon)

For me, I think I am leaning heavily in to the pop ups are under Myungha’s subconscious control, his mind, the missions he thinks are important, the problems he thinks he is causing are what is driving the base game. Because of this my base instinct is to lean in to the depression/anxiety/trauma tent where things have been going a little too well for him lately and he has convinced himself that he is due for something bad to happen. I am happy to once again acknowledge that this probably projection, but I know that my own mental illness(es) does not let my peace linger for long. Myungha is spending so much time with Yeowoon, Yeowoon who grounds him when his world is literally falling apart. Yeowoon who cannot contain his smile whenever he is around Myungha, Yeowoon who is downright desperate to bestow love and support upon Myungha, Yeowoon who has accompanied Myungha to the hospital late at night to be there for his boyfriend in a stressful time, and Myungha can’t have that. He loves his grandmother, he loves Yeowoon, they both love him and so obviously means that something bad is going to happen to them. 

gif by @25shadesoffebruary

[As an aside I am thinking about what the Author said in the final episode about wanting Myungha to be able to see himself from the outside, and how I took that to mean Yeowoon is supposed to be a reflection of Myungha and a journey to self love, and how Yeowoon told Myungha that something bad always happens to the people around him in relation to this hospital scene]

Secondarily, I do think being confronted with this choice at all allows Myungha to have a moment of reflection, and is clarifying for him to know that both Yeowoon and his grandmother are important people in his life that he doesn’t want to lose. That’s fucking huge, in my opinion at least. And for all this mission was cruel, it was the first time Myungha refused to complete the mission. He was asked to save one, he decided to save both, and the game could have been cruel and taken his grandmother and Yeowoon away for refusing to choose, but it didn’t. They both got to live, and sure Myungha’s mission to make Yeowoon happy was shortened significantly, but I do think fifteen days was enough time to be successful in his mission if the depression and the grief had not gotten to Myungha instead. 

Grief 

gif by @my-rose-tinted-glasses

Something about grief that my therapist told me once was grieving people love helping others. And I think that is the case of Myungha here just based on the way he throws himself in to helping as many people as he can, especially Yeowoon. He knows Yeowoon is grieving, he knows Yeowoon is struggling, and he can distract himself from his own shit by helping Yeowoon instead. But once Myungha is confronted with the possibility that either one of the people that he loves could die, the penality for failing in his mission to make Yeowoon happy looms over his head like a knife. Just like Myungha considered himself the problem with the debuff, he knows how high of a likelihood it is that Yeowoon would regress, would isolate, would sink into a massive low. 

And it would be Myung’s fault (in his mind). 

Especially because Yeowoon keeps saying that even thinking about going on dates with Myungha is making him happy but Myungha’s mission isn’t complete. Myungha has started to get low, he is not as engaged in his relationship with Yeowoon, he’s convinced himself he is going to fail, and is thus setting himself up for failure because he decides 15 days is not enough time to find happiness, but it is enough time to break somebody’s heart in preparation for a devastating loss. And maybe, maybe Myungha would have snapped out of it with enough time to spare initially, but any hope of that being the case was shattered the second Yeowoon admitted that he wasn’t happy because Myungha wasn’t relying on him. 

Myungha is so used to be self-reliant there is no way for him to break out of that habit in just two weeks. Myungha knew his death would hurt Yeowoon, but the final nail in the coffin for him was learning that his life was hurting Yeowoon too. And he almost got there, he almost did it, he admitted that he didn’t know how to, but he withdrew at the last second. He has spent all this time, all this energy, all this focus in to changing Yeowoon, he does not have the space to do that for himself. 

The Choice 

gif by @supanuts

The last moment I will really speak to as it relates to my interpretation of this game being controlled by Myungha as a manifestation of his depression is the author’s pen. Considering the fact The Author asked Myungha if he wanted to try again, I do not think if the Author was controlling this game world that he would have had Myungha disappear from it. Because according to the Gaga subs, the change that Myungha writes is that he wants Yeowoon to be happy, and immediately upon finishing that request, Myungha starts to fade. 

If we hold these game mechanics as manifestations of Myungha’s depression, which I do, it makes complete and total sense to me that Myungha would fall back in to the pattern of believing that Yeowoon would be happier if Myungha wasn’t there. Yeowoon has a modeling deal now, he has some modicum of fame, he has friends now, he has supports in place that he did not have before, so what need does Yeowoon have of him, when his inability to let people love him is what is now causing Yeowoon to feel sad. 

And I think that massive server error at the end where the world is burning and the universe is melting in to the game is a result of Myungha realizing too little, too late that this isn’t what he wanted. But it can’t be undone. The line he says when he is sinking in to the water about how at the last minute before he died, he regretted it. The game, the drowning here are one in the same to me. 

And for me there was just something so beautiful and hopeful from Myungha telling The Author that he wants to try again. We started the show with Myungha telling The Author miserable people can be happy, and we end the show with Myungha and Yeowoon finally getting the happy ending they never thought they would have. 

gif by @junghaesin

God I loved this show.

[copperbadge]

RE watching thoughts: I’m not 100% sure, but it might be that the whole “I am not my thoughts” is about engaging and identifying with your metacognition MORE than your initial thoughts. Because I get where you’re coming from - what is a consciousness but a collection of thoughts and feelings? But you can also have thoughts about your own thoughts that are more useful for dealing with whatever situation you’re in, I guess. (Random aside - every time I start thinking about thinking about thinking my brain inevitably starts thinking about Tiffany Aching and The Wee Free Men.)

I really should have replied to this ask sooner because it's going to seem like a non-sequitur now (this was sent much earlier in March) but I'm kind of glad I didn't, because I've been chatting with people about this and I think I understand more why there's an emphasis in some therapies on the idea that we are not our thoughts.

(I uh, haven't read the Tiffany books so I'm not much help there.)

I am coming to understand that many, perhaps most, people judge themselves, comprehensively and harshly, based on their thoughts. Perhaps it's just a lot of people who struggle with mental health, but given the commonality of the sentiment I don't know if I'd confine it that tightly; generally it appears that people cannot conceive of themselves as anything other than a binary of good or bad. So many people I've talked to about this portion of DBT, the watching-questioning-identifying thoughts portion, say that it helps to snap them out of a spiral of "I'm a horrible person, I deserve to suffer/die, I can never be redeemed" after they've failed at something, or had a negative thought, or reacted poorly to an unexpected event.

That is not something I've ever experienced. I mean, jokingly maybe, but not in a real, internal sense.

And that's not to brag -- I'm not saying I think I'm a good person, either, because I don't think I'm a good person. I don't conceive of myself in terms of good or bad. I never cuddle my cats and think "I'm such a good cat dad" or forget to feed them and think "I should die now." I have a perpetual morally neutral attitude towards my own existence; my thoughts and actions might trend me one direction or another but I'm aware of the temporary nature of that. If I fuck up I'll worry about who I might have hurt or whether I'll be fired or what's going to happen as a consequence, if I am polite to someone who didn't deserve it I know I was acting kindly in the moment, but I don't make an inherent moral judgement of myself based on that. And it seems like the vast majority of people do. Which you would think would make me feel pretty good about myself, but honestly...I don't know.

A lot of people I know who have ADHD or are Autistic have talked about seeing themselves as other, as alien -- like that one webcomic artist who draws themself with little antennae to indicate they're strange and different. I've always understood why one might do that, but I never felt that way myself, before or after the diagnosis. After all, let's remember, I was The Normal* Child of my siblings, and if I was The Normal One before the diagnosis, why wouldn't I remain Mostly Normal after?

* As ever, I'm using "normal" as a cultural term, to indicate what we think of as mainstream, not because normal is a thing that really exists.

My life has been relatively solitary -- I have friends and family and I love them but I'm rarely part of a large group, I don't spend a lot of time out in public interacting with people, I'm not a big socializer. Before the Adderall, I really couldn't be, I took too much psychic damage from interpersonal interaction, so I chose those very carefully. And now my DBT class has been a rare moment when I'm encountering contradictions to a lot of my assumptions about the way human beings in our society interact, react, and behave. I just...don't fit that mold very well. I think of it as having crossed wiring, not in the sense that I'm faulty but just in the sense that I'm very, very different. Not Normal. It's not exactly a bad feeling but it's certainly not a great one, internalizing the sensation of alienness.

DBT is proving to be a mixed bag but not in the way I or my therapist intended -- it seems to be either things I was already instinctively doing or things that simply do not apply to me. In one way it's disappointing because it means there isn't much help to be had (we're a little over halfway through the course and I keep thinking "Maybe next class will be useful") but on the other hand it's validating that so much of what I came up with myself as unconscious coping mechanisms is literally what I would have been told to do anyway.

Sometimes it's a combination of both, though, which really blows. I guess most people, if they reframe another person's actions, actually find emotional relief in that, and I don't. An example from the class is that if someone is rude to you, you can consider how they might be having a hard day, and be polite in return; that's great, in terms of defusing a situation, and it's something I do a fair amount of. But apparently it's also something that for most people results in feeling less awful about the interaction, and that's not the case for me. Which is why so much of DBT feels to me like lying to oneself. It's not lying for most people.

So, yeah. I'm going to finish out the course and keep trying things with the therapist but I suspect given everything, I might already be at "as good as it gets" in terms of emotional work. Which isn't the worst thing in the world, and there is still the option to try medication that could help, but I think there will come a point where I'm going to have to deal with the fallout of just how different I am, and how that has impacted my life. Might end up a good thing; something I've really been trying to resolve is unhappiness over being unpartnered and highly likely to remain that way, and at least if this provides a better understanding of why, then perhaps I can process that and put it to rest in a way I've been trying to do but not succeeding well at.

So, we'll see. But I find it both fascinating and kind of horrifying how many people can believe they are irredeemably bad, even if the belief is only temporary, simply because they had an uncharitable thought or impulse. It makes me somewhat grateful for the crossed wires, at least.

[angel-in-your-basement]

hey I hope this isn't too personal but your blog kinda made me realize I'm a sadist and (possibly?) a domme? having lots of feelings about this revelation so I kinda have an odd question as like: how does one get over like cognitive dissonance with regards to self conception? sorry if that's worded weird but like, I'm a huge massive softy with like, hyperempathy type brain nonsense so its kinda hard to imagine myself actually like *as* that kinda person. I'm aware soft-domme type stuff exists but idk like how to put it together in my head? sorry if this is a lil incoherent I just woke up lol. thank you for your kink education stuff and I hope your weekend goes well ^w^

(also any general starting out safety tips are greatly appreciated cuz ngl I'm very in over my head and wanna nip any hazards in the bud before I try experimenting)

Hi there! Not too personal at all, I’m happy to talk about stuff like this. I meant to answer this sooner but I’ve just been too damn busy irl, so here I am now!

When we are presented with new information and our beliefs are not making sense anymore, it’s time to sit down and reevaluate those beliefs. If you haven’t already, I would go look at this post, which goes into more depth about shame and questioning ideas about kinks. Since that post covered shame, I won’t go into depth on here, but we are going to talk about beliefs.

Why does this happen?

What is generally happening in cases like you’re talking about, is that we have formed ideas about ourselves (ex. “I am a big softy + hyperempathetic person”) and about the world (ex. “Sadists are tough/mean/scary/whatever”), and then we create logical conclusions based on those ideas (ex. “I couldn’t be a sadist, because I am soft and not tough/mean/scary”). Which works fine until we get new information that contradicts our conclusions.

What do we do?

When that happens, and we want to resolve it, we gotta find some flexibility in those beliefs! In your case, this might look something like this:

What is “that kinda person”, and exactly what parts don’t fit for you? What parts do fit?

Where did the “that kinda person” idea come from?

Is this always the case? Are sadists 100% like that?

What might someone look like who was very empathetic and ALSO a sadist? How do you feel about the idea?

Why might it actually make sense that someone empathetic would be a sadist?

The whole point here is get a good idea of where the conflict is, why it’s a conflict and then looking for areas of flexibility.

I can’t answer those questions for you, but here is a couple things from my experience that may be useful. I have known a lot of sadists, and just like every other group of people, they vary widely, but my favourite sadists have always been the people who are big, empathetic teddy bears who want to take care of me and coddle me just as much as they want to hurt me. I, myself, am like you, where I am very empathetic but I also very much enjoy psychological sadism.

Part of it, too, is that it just takes time to warm up to these new ideas, and you don’t need to go straight into the hardcore stuff. You can integrate sadism with basically any other kink, and sadism can look a ton of different ways. If it’s more that you like the idea of seeing someone struggling or being afraid, then even stuff like giving someone pleasure or taking care of them can be sadistic. And if you’re more into the actual act of inflicting pain, then you can do it in ways where people are enthusiastically encouraging you the whole time, if that’s what you need. You can also be a sadistic sub! Honestly, I think that’s the wonderful thing about kink - there’s a million ways to mix and match, and cater your experiences to exactly what you like.

Re: starting out safety tips, I think there’s already lots of good resources on this, so look into things like negotiation, safewords, SSC/RACK, red flags, etc. This post is already getting long so I’ll just say one thing that I don’t see talked about enough.

When you’re exploring new stuff and especially new relationships/dynamics, it’s very easy to get swept up by the emotions of it, particularly if you’re a people pleasing type person. All of the bad experiences I have had have stemmed from this - from being too excited and not being able to look at the situation rationally. So imo, it’s important to have clear boundaries for yourself (i.e. I will not do any sex stuff with someone until we have talked about xyz), and to have a plan to keep yourself safe that works under the assumption that you will likely be too enamoured to want to pull yourself away from the dynamic. Having platonic kinky friends really helps with this stuff! What all that actually looks like is a whole other discussion, so I’ll save that for another day.

[schmergo]

If I had a podcast-- which I don't think I could ever do because people say I have a strange and off-puttingly untraceable accent and vocal quality that would probably distract from any audio content I'd put out-- but IF I had a podcast, I'd slowly start slipping weird stuff into that boring little stretch in the beginning where the hosts greet one another before talking about that week's content.

Like, I know the audience is only ever half listening to that part anyway. I know I am. I don't really care about if one of the hosts is "wearing a super cute new sweater she got from the TikTok store" or if another one is planning a hiking trip with her fiance. I want to hear about some small Appalachian town's niche cryptid legend or whatever.

So first I'd slowly start slipping in mildly contradicting information to test the waters. "Oh yeah, we're going on a beach trip next month, so I might be recording from this beach house. I'm excited because I haven't been to the beach in years." And slip that in for like 3 months in a row (but not every week) and see if anyone notices.

Then start making up pets. Then change the pet's name. Change it again. Add another pet that I've had since college.

Then briefly reference my nice next door neighbor Brian who watches the pets when I go to the beach house next month.

Change the pet's name again and this time casually mention my daughter. My daughter loves the beach. She's so excited to go to the beach house next month. She's never been to the beach.

Next episode I mention I'm looking for a good petsitter for my upcoming trip. Mine fell through.

Next episode, I just throw in there, "Yeah, I'm just busy stocking up for the beach trip. Sunscreen, new towels, water toys, bug spray, cave sloth spray. Yeah, the beach has a cave sloth problem right now, but they say attacks are really rare."

Next episode (this is a true crime podcast) I mention that this episode hits close to home because there's a missing person case in my neighborhood. My neighbor Brian's daughter went missing. People think the noncustodial parent took her out of state. She's probably safe, but we're all worried about her.

Next episode, I'm leaving for the beach tomorrow. I'm bringing my (only) dog with me. I spent forever cleaning out my car. Took forever getting the bloodstains off the upholstery, you know how it is. How do those even get there?

Next episode I just casually mention, "Spiders don't bother me, but I'm a little squeamish about palmetto bugs. And cave sloths. The thing that creeps me out about them is that when they take you into the pocket dimension in their cave, nobody from your previous life remembers you anymore. Oh, and I don't mind mice, but rats are a big NOPE."

I'd casually refer to myself as a childfree adult in the next episode.

Then I'd talk about how I wish my fellow podcast host could buy the apartment next to me. It's been vacant for years. Nobody has ever lived there since I moved in.

[bloodsadx]

every time you write about a person you broke up with or are analyzing negatively in a comic its like im reading my ex write about me. hurts like splinters but a good splinter hurt

reading this has made me have one of the strongest reactions to someone else's response to my art i can remember having. i hope you are taking care of yourself.

this has left me feeling like i need to express that i am a very fallible person and i don't generally, with very few exceptions, set out to negatively analyze other people but to try to talk about my own perspective which i consider foolish & cosmically uninformed & largely misguided & thus try to present in a dramatic irony kind of way, in order to display through contradiction, its and my own failings; which is to say kind of abstrusely, whatever kind of person you are, and whatever kind of person your ex is, you are just fallible people, and i hope you are able maintain some perspective on that. this is all maybe unsolicited and its simultaneously kind of hard for me to talk about in clear terms. but i have spent a lot of time in my own life making a house out of art that makes me feel pain like you are describing and imagining how it relates to how other people would feel about me, how it justifies my own feelings about other people, etc. so to that end, reading this makes me concerned. maybe your reaction has given me perspective on that situation and how i interpret other people's art.

i'm not "right" about anything and i'm not fundamentally "good" or "bad" and neither is anybody else. the art i make is in some ways a cudgel i use to extract catharsis from myself & so it would be silly of me to not understand and empathize with how other people could react to it in that way, but even mere days out from making some pieces the thoughts and feelings i express in them sometimes dissipate entirely. so the thought that you, or anybody who reacts to my work, might define your relationships or self worth by my own relatively contextless and artistically, melodramatically described thoughts and feelings, which are all ultimately fleeting, makes me feel worried. but i am digging into this a lot because of the aforementioned strong reaction reading this made me have lol. so the point of the post is, i hope you are taking care of yourself. anybody who represents a point of view similar to anon also.

[rpmemesbyarat]

I can't say I've consumed every piece of abuse-related media out there, but what I have consumed just so often focuses only on the violent, angry, overtly-controlling and obviously-manipulative aspects of abusers, and so rarely on the much more clever (and very common) use of pity and the weaponized illusion of weakness, illusion that the victim is REALLY the one with the power, etc. But, this form of abuse and abuser exists, and it’s extremely powerful. A good example of what I’m talking about is when Girl On Film's video "What the F0K is Labyrinth About" points Jareth's use of vulnerability in the "fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave" scene and the "your eyes can be so cruel" bit. On face value these seem so romantic and make us feel for him, but the use of vulnerability as a lure to the victim, especially emphasizing the victim's specialness, and trying to make the victim feel as if THEY are the ones hurting the abuser is like...such a real fucking thing abusers do and I so rarely see it in media. It's why the bit early on in "A Dowry of Blood" really stuck out to me where the main narrator says "I knew then I would chase your tiny moments of weakness all the way into hell and back. What is more lovely, after all, than a monster undone by wanting?"And wanting YOU, specifically, the idea YOU are so special and desirable that YOU can undo such a powerful monster. It plays to people’s sympathy and compassion (you feel for them, you don’t want to hurt them, etc) as well as their pride (I am the only one special enough to make a person like this so desperate)

I've seen a million fictional abusers say "you're nothing without me!" and "I'll kill you if you try to leave me!" but I've seldom if ever seen one say "I'm nothing without you" and "I'll die/kill myself if you leave me"....but a damned lot of them do. It's still manipulation through fear, just a fear born from your own compassion instead.

And I’d really like to see more of this in media. Because if we only portray abuse as overt violence and threats against others and berating the victim, we don’t realize that it’s ALSO abuse when someone self-deprecates every time you contradict and confront them so you instead learn never to call them on their behavior, or that they can hold you hostage with threats to THEMSELVES as easily as threats against you or your loved ones. Yes, abusers will make themselves seem larger and more powerful than they are. . .but also smaller and more pathetic as well. Whatever will manipulate you, whatever will make you stay, whatever will make you cow to their behavior. But if we only ever are taught that one form of abuse is abuse, it’s all most people will see abuse as being, and it becomes that much harder to recognize other kinds and leave.

It’s also very validating for those who have been through this to see their experiences reflected and depicted as being what it is—abuse—in media, because it’s very easy in this form to make you question “was that abuse?” and even “was I the abuser?” because of how abusers will frame YOU as the bad guy holding the power over THEM in this form. It can really make you think you’re crazy or an awful person, and seeing something that says “no, this was real, and this was what was happening, and yes you WERE the victim here” is a tremendous thing for folks who have been through that.

And besides that, I just like seeing more than one type of ANYTHING represented in fiction, no matter what it is. I love beagles, but if every dog in every story was a beagle, I’d wanna see some Rotties and shepherds and so on, you know?

[watermelonsloth]

Boruto Shipping Opinions

I’m gonna put a brief aside here to say two quick things to keep in mind before reading:

I am not going to go into great detail or analysis here because I’m holding off on that until the manga wraps up.

I am caught up with the manga, I am not caught up with the anime. I have watched up until the arc the new team 7 infiltrate a prison, the second chunin exams, and whatever clips/moments I’ve stumbled upon being discussed. I am not an avid fan, I do not know all the ins and outs of character dynamics, and I don’t even keep up with that part of the fandom. I have no horse in this race.

BoruSara

I don’t like this ship, and I don’t know if that’s an unpopular opinion. I’ll try to avoid saying “they have sibling vibes” or “they’re just friends” because, coming from someone who has used that excuse in the past, it is very difficult to explain/defend argument. So much so that now it just comes across as cheap to me.

I will, however, say that I don’t like it for the same reason I don’t like NejiTen. It comes across as “he was a boy, she was a girl. Can I make it anymore obvious?” It feels like it stems from the idea that boys and girls can’t just be friends. If the dynamic was introduced with an edge of romance (like how Naruto and Sakura’s dynamic was introduced with Naruto having a crush on her), maybe it would be a different story. But as of right now, it feels like the fandom reading into something that doesn‘t need to be read into.

KawaSara

I hate to say this, but I’m guessing this ship stemmed from SasuSaku fans reading them as “next gen SasuSaku”. Look, everyone can ship whatever they want or choose to refrain from shipping, but I’m sick of the fandom projecting old ships on new dynamics. I have seen BoruSara compared to SNS, NaruSaku, and SasuSaku (for some reason). I have seen BoruSumi compared to NaruHina. I have seen MitsuSara compared to SasuSaku and SuiKarin. I have seen KawaSara compared to SasuSaku. Every single time I thought to myself, “The manga starts with Boruto asserting that he’s not his dad and this isn’t his dad’s story.” I get that comparisons will naturally arise since it’s a sequel series, but these kids are not carbon copies of their parents and they don’t have the same dynamics their parents did.

Now that my rant is out of the way, I think a hypothetical child between them having black hair with pink highlights would be cute and that’s about it.

MitsuSara

I wish these two had more of a dynamic. Both characters have interactions with Boruto and clear dynamics with him, but they don’t really have much going on with each other. They both have recognizable personalities, but they mellow each other out whenever they interact and it makes them boring (I’m guessing Ikemoto isn’t interested in them together). They also only tend to talk to each other about Boruto (at least in the manga). Say what you want about them, but at least Sasuke and Sakura had a dynamic.

Anyways, funny ha ha, Orochimaru gets an Uchiha in the way they least expected.

MitsuBoru

Gayer than any of the Naruto dynamics and that is saying something. However, I struggle to like the ship because I’m just so confused.

First, why does Boruto have so many lancer/foil/rival characters. Kawaki, Sarada, and Mitsuki all act as lancers. I get that writing doesn’t have to be formulaic, but they aren’t even all lancers to each other, having dynamics that bounce off of each other, they’re just lancers to Boruto. At least for me, it’s already gotten really boring and ends in the three’s dynamics with each other falling flat.

Second, the sun and moon symbolism makes no sense to me as a writing decision. The obvious problem is that it’s redundant; it’s already been used for multiple Naruto dynamics. The less obvious problem is that it contradicts Mitsuki’s manga introduction. Mitsuki was introduced as the middle between Boruto and Sarada’s two extremes, taking up a role similar to Sakura’s in the og team 7. If he’s supposed to be the moon to Boruto’s sun, why is he introduced to us as the earth? The admittedly more minor problem that distracts me is that Orochimaru was the one that Mitsuki down this road. Why? Orochimaru wasn’t redeemed by Naruto and has never shown interest in him or this philosophy before now. My best guess is that they’re fascinated by Naruto’s affect on Sasuke, but that still leaves me with questions.

It makes me think that the writer didn’t have any ideas when they introduced these two.

BoruSumi

I don’t like how the fandom is making another love square, but I doubt there’s anything I can do to stop them.

This ship is boring because Sumire is boring. That one anime arc made her interesting, but it’s referenced and relevant so rarely that she goes back to being boring. I’d like this more if the story let Sumire be morally gray or treated her like a redeemed villain more. As of right now, I think the only leg the ship has to stand on is writing tropes and I do not care.

KawaSumi

This ship feels like the product of the same people who ship SasuHina/SasuIno/SasuKarin/KibaHina out of spite. My last post/reblog went into why this happens but the short of it is that it’s easier to ship something in peace if the biggest “threats” to it are paired together. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I have a feeling most KawaSumi shippers also ship BoruSara.

KawaHima

Please… just stop. If not for yourself, then for me. I’m already barely coping with how popular NejiHina is. Why have I seen this as much as I have??? This feels like a personal attack on my sanity. They’re siblings.

Other

This is the section for all the ships I have little/no opinions on. I think MitsuCho is too boring for how popular it is, I think ChoSara should be more popular, I’m disturbed by all of the Eida x next gen ships because she looks and acts like an adult (at least how adults are portrayed in Boruto), and I’m surprised Code x Eida isn’t more popular, but I also think that Code has gotten the Kabuto treatment and isn’t very popular in the fandom.

The ships I haven’t mentioned I either have so little fucks to give or so little information on that I have ZERO thoughts about.

[edwad]

so like, what exactly is it you think marx gets wrong about capitalism? intentionally or not, you give people the impression that think the guy’s analysis is irredeemably flawed, so how about actually listing some of those flaws and why they’re flaws. and please don’t say he misreads ricardo or sismondi or whatever, i’m not asking what’s wrong with the CoPE but what is wrong with his actual analysis of capitalism itself

well my whole point is that, to the extent that the analysis of capitalism grows directly out of his engagement with the political economists (which is the entire point of the CoPE in being able to ground political economy as a theoretical field which reflects the moments and movements of capital), these things can't be disconnected. that might seem frustrating to you, but you can really only cleave them apart by forfeiting the entire purpose of the project, which i don't think is a sacrifice anybody should want to make unless they just have a goofy reading of marx as a mere economist or wherever.

downstream of this though, i think he gets himself into all kinds of trouble with internally inconsistent things and ambiguities which i am not the first to point out. heinrich and others have already done plenty to demonstrate the deficiencies in the exposition of the theory of value, the trpf, etc. beyond that i think we can say that the positing of capital at its ideal average generally means assuming a fully totalized system, which runs up against the very dynamics he's trying to outline in their totalization. this gap between the two levels exists throughout the text and he makes arguments on the basis of each of these which flatly contradict one another (and not in a fancy "dialectical" sense, but as in a bad logical contradiction to be avoided by any semi-clear thinker). this happens when he tries to theorize capital outlays/compositions in firms of different countries, trading against each other, so that he has multiple accounts of how the difference between the two emerges which can account for something like inequality in international trade etc and form the basis of theories of imperialism and unequal exchange etc. the nice thing about making every possible argument is that sometimes we can find one that works and simply choose the marx we like most, but that doesn't necessarily salvage the text as a whole or its theoretical trajectory. i think his analysis of rent, credit, the state, etc would all need to be completely redone in the light of some of these changes (and probably should've been redone regardless lmao, but it's an earlier manuscript he didn't get to revisit properly).

arguably heinrich is right about the improper ordering of the development of the categories themselves, so that there's no reason for credit to fall where it does as if it is system-logically posterior to the dynamics of the profit-rate (marx has a clever reasoning for this but i don't think it holds up). part of the problem is that basically all of v3 is a mess and the theoretical gaps between v2 and v3 are glaring. the internal difficulties of v1, even as it was constantly reworked, don't necessarily help.

anyway, pretty much everything i've just said is just me repeating myself for the zillionth time, so im not sure where the impression comes from that i can't say anything specific about what marx gets wrong. i think ive actually spent a lot of time talking about these things for years, long before i ever even started on this relatively new project surrounding the nonexistence of the CoPE's object. if anything, by simply taking heinrich's work for granted i have been standing in some relation to claims about marx's wrongness on certain issues (you can't claim he's ambivalent about his categories while simultaneously maintaining that he's also perfectly correct about everything!) so ive been talking about some of these things for about 7 years now.

the point is, i think marx has lots of issues and that he's wrong about plenty. i wouldn't be able to catalogue all of my disagreements with him here, but if you're interested in hearing more about my marx opinions in depth, i recommend joining my capital group for the new translation in the fall! im sure i'll get into a lot of it there.

[cirrem]

Read "Les Miserables" for my "intro to humanities" class and it was really good so I'm going to dump about it here. it was an abridged version, so i may have missed some things. I may be incomprehensible towards the end. SUPER MAJOR SPOILERS

also trigger warnings for death, suicide, and christianity if you care about that.

first off, Jean Valjean is one of my new favorite characters in fiction. he's screwed up but in a way that makes him a better person.

The romance between Marius and Cosette was my least favorite part of the book. it dragged on, but then you look back and they only had 2 conversations before getting married but it talked about the romance for soooooooo long. I'm not Victor Hugo, but I would have definitally trimmed that down and introduced a multi-month time skip between the resolution of the barricade and the marriage.

Eponine is really stupid, and her death was completely avoidable. First: there are plenty of fish in the sea, you could have moved on so many different times. Second: don't bring the man your in love with to a death trap so you can die together, especially if he doesn't love you, and especially if you tragically sacrifice your life to save his and he ends up not dying.

If you don't like religious discussions I suggest stop reading here because I'm going to talk about the religious themes and the suicide and I know some people on tumblr will get upset if I don't preface it

Javert is a coward. He owes Jean Valjean his life, he knows that Jean is not a bad person, and he pays the debt, letting him run free. What makes him a coward is how after this impulsive decision, where he let him free only to settle his debt, he decides "if my worldview is wrong instead of changing and growing I should just kill myself" and does so.

I know he's supposed to be like "the overabusive law system" or whatever, but killing yourself because the guy who is being sent to jail for life, (because of the heinous crimes of: escaping jail, not telling people he was in jail, and stealing 1 loaf of bread to feed his sisters children) may not actually be an irredeemably horrible monster incapable of change, growth, or being someone who you shouldn't send to jail is incredibly dumb.

Now heres where religion comes in: I think Victor Hugo is intentionally contrasting the laws of man with the laws of God (in the bible, new testament). (Specifically, the beatitudes and life/teachings of Christ. For those unaware, I can give a very oversimplified summery: Be kind and merciful to others, even if they suck or you dont like them or they hate you or you hate them. (if you want to at this point bring up modern or historical actions of those claiming to follow or speak for christ when that contradict this, please move on. I am aware that people call themselves christians without following his words))

to summerize my thoughts: javert represents the "laws of man" which are fallible, and not actually just. Specifically, there is 1) only punishment for the wicked, no blessings to the righteous 2) no allowance for change as a person in judgement, once wicked always wicked. Compare this to every time a religious person does something in the book: the bishop takes mercy on valjean, and sends him away with more gifts, valjean becomes religeous, forgives javert for suspecting him, saves the life of someone who hates him, later, valjean sacrifices his life, revealing himself to secretly be a convict to save a stranger from lifetime slavery, a nun lies to protect valjean (the narrative states she never had before, she did something at cost of her own standards to save his life), valjean finds and saves cosette from the theadears and they take refuge in a nunnery, and get in only because of the man whose life he saved earlier. Finally, Valjean has the chance to kill Javert, in the revolution (Javert is tied up, and Valjean has a gun) but valjean sets him free. The book is really emphasizing the importance of mercy, even when it comes at a cost to yourself, and it would be easier to punish those you dislike. Every time someone is merciful, it turns out fine, even benificial in the long run. (and specifically the mercy as outlined by christ, as everyone that acts mercifully is explicitly religious, and it follows what he taught pretty closely imo).

Gods law of mercy, allowing and helping people to change for the better, even if they don't deserve it, is constantly shown to be superior to and more benificial to society than the harshness of man's legal system, which treats a criminal as always a criminal, and never gives to those in need.

Except, hear me out: this isn't about legal systems at all, this is about how we treat ourselves and those we care about.

We need to have mercy, both on others around us, and on ourselves. Valjean revealed the worst of his past to marius, but he wasn't that person anymore. Marius had to learn that Valjean saved his life from Thernadair! What! He is wastes away and DIES because of his shame of who he was, and his insistence that he is still as guilty as he was then. He had mercy, even for those that would chase him down, toss him into chains, and force him to work until his death, but he had none for himself, and he suffered for it. However, because of how he was kind, he was able to save and touch many lives, and drastically improved the lives of those around him.

Compare this to Javert, who rather than be kind to anyone, or himself, threw himself into the sea, never improved anyones life, and would have been killed if Valjean didn't offer to kill him (then not kill him). I know who I'll rather be, and I think thats kind of the point of the book.

anyways, if I have to write an essay on this book I think I'll be fine.

valjean and the bishop are both incredibly based characters. Eponine was more interesting than Marius and Cosette combined.

[devilboydogman]

“What does it feel like, for you? As someone with a permanent body? The dysphoria, I mean.”

Reigen sighed, and looked down at his hands. “It’s like… Clothes that don’t fit quite right. You know? Not conspicuously, at least not from the outside. They look… Good enough, to most people. And usually I don’t even notice anything awkward, until, say, it restricts my movement, or someone else points it out. After that, it’s all I can THINK about. Maybe it’s a little tight in the hips, or long in the arms, or loose in the shoulders. But I can’t afford a new one, and besides that, I’m attached, you know?”

Dimple’s eyes narrowed with speculative scrutiny. “Sounds like you’re talking about the suit you wear every day. The one you’re still wearing right NOW.”

Reigen’s eyes grew wide with mania, and he rose to his knees on the bed and looked half ready to throttle Dimple’s spectral form as if we was capable of doing so. “Because that’s EXACTLY what it IS, Dimple!” He was getting loud, now, his voice taking on the giddy desperation of a man finally putting something into words that had needed to be said a long, long time ago. “This fucking SUIT. Would anyone know who I was if I wasn’t wearing it? It’s who I AM, or at least who I sometimes believe myself to be, who I am almost ALWAYS perCIEVED to be. I-I feel naked without it, unless I’m completely alone, o-or with someone who ACTUALLY knows me. I don’t FEEL dysphoric when I’m alone with my own body, even looking in the mirror, or in the shower. Because when it’s just me, my body is just my body, and no one is around to misperceive me as something I’m not, something I never HAVE been. I’m a man, and I feel like a man no matter what I look like, right up until someone ELSE says or implies otherwise. My self image is-is almost ENTIRELY created around others’ perception of me. Half the time I don’t know who I am,” he had to force himself to gasp for a deep inhale. Often when he got to talking, it was difficult to stop, even to breathe. “A-and I don’t even mind the suit, either. It feels like a part of me, even if it was created as a facade for rest of the world to see. That’s still me, I think. People tell me I sh-should get it hemmed, or refitted, or-or fucking REPLACE the damn thing, but— Dimple, this is ME. I hate it sometimes, but it’s MINE, and it’s ME. Not everyone notices, but my jacket and my body, we have matching scars. A carefully stitched seam in tandem with marred skin on my own back, identical in size and shape. It almost died with me. I can repair it, but I won’t make it change, and I can’t replace it. Call me a stingy bastard or whatever, but it’s— It’s really, really not about money, Dimple.” He settled back onto his haunches. Wrapped his arms around himself instead of gesculating. When he spoke again, his voice was quieter, more controlled. “That’s not even really a transgender specific thing, I don’t think. Like anyone else, we often don’t view our own bodies or selves as being WRONG until someone else contradicts what we already believe, or points something out in a negative way. No one is born hating themselves. The first lie I lived wasn’t even self created. That lie, the biggest one, I think, was forced onto me the moment I came into existence, and then it was written on my fucking birth certificate. Twitter.com can call me a liar all they want, but really, the lie they are perceiving is my actual truth. It’s just not what they want to hear.”

[danbisroom]

Ep. 18 - Shatter my long-frozen heart to carve the proof of my life

Hello my beloved fellow souls,

welcome back to Danbi’s Room, your weekly dose of safe space. Go grab a cup of something warm and get yourself cosy.

I hope you had a nice week where you had the opportunity to slow down, or maybe you received some kind of good news.

I was reflecting on words that start with the letter C. Creativity and creation. Counter-intuitive. Courage. Clay. Colour. Can, as in the verb meaning “to be able to”. Carving. Cycle.

I’ve just been through a death cycle. Actually, I’m still coming out of it. But that’s slow, as it should. Planted seeds need their time to sprout. Nebulas explode during a climax, birthing millions of new lives, but it takes time for new stars to actually form. It takes time for the snake to shed its skin and it itakes time for the caterpillar to shift into its butterfly form. Creation, gestation, birth, growth, death. The constant circular flow, always the same and always different. Death is an act of creation: in fact, there’s a magical moment where the two overlap, intertwining as lovers, holding each other tight.

Now I’m kind of hermiting inside my shell, feeling the first rays of filtered sunshine, until, in a bit, I’ll be able to crack it and fly high and to the Gods again. It’s just how things are, we need to give ourselves grace to love them, too. I know I always end up talking about love, but in all honesty, one way or another, it’s really just about that. And I always, constantly, feel it. Always. Even when I’m out of myself in the pits of desperation, I feel love. I feel love holding my soul and my body. If I think about it, it’s such a nice thing. It’s soft and fierce at the same time. I think there’s nothing like it, it is the ultimate synthesis of everything. So choose love. Choose to direct your energy towards things that serve you and your contentedness. Contradiction might hide truth and treasures. What’s evil can reveal a kind side. Even apparent stillness continuously swings, all the time. Just see for yourself: stand up, close your eyes and observe the little dance your body wisely choreographs. We find warmth in a cup of hot and fuming cocoa, but fresh blood is warm, too. We admire waterfalls, jewels of the forest, then why do we frown upon pearls falling from our eyes? Suppressing flows is always bad. There’s a difference between pause and stagnation. Connect your bare feet to soil, and feel all the earth within you. Whisper to a tree, and hear your ancestral mothers giving you answers. What were you before your current form? Maybe a holy bull guiding a people to their land. Maybe a daisy adorning a bride’s hair. Maybe both. If you look carefully and patiently inside yourself you might be able to see that. Whatever you find, love it. Don’t let go, take a little walk in the world inside, call your own names, rest on the knowledge this will never ever end, for eternity. Walk in, untie your hair, lose your breath, empty your lungs to gain new air every time. Breathing itself is the junction of life and death. Everything’s odd, but all the odds are in your favour, so be extraordinary. There’s no easy part, but don’t let the noise blind your senses, go live and breath in life. Count five stars making a yellow wood and let the levanter wind guide you through the maze, hearing the gentle tinkling of those same rocks we call stars. It grows and grows until you finally understand the sound is from within you. You? This massive accident generating a cascade that tells a neverending story? You? Me? I am not, you might say. I am who, to hold all of the universe in my hands? It’s because you are me, and I am you. If you lead the pack, then let me be the shield of your neck.

Today’s song recommendation is Ichizu (One Way), by King Gnu. As trippy as this episode, but also as deep and questioning.

I hope you enjoyed this episode and that you have a beautiful week ahead of you!

I’ll see you in the next one, big hug!

With love, yours,

Danbi

[kaiserouo]

Hi.

This is a rambling post because i'm sick. Somehow turned into a post about my history about art. Kinda spent too much time on this that i don't really wanna delete this now. Oh well.

More below.

Yeah okay. You might think why i'm rambling in an art blog. It's because english isn't my native language and i kinda think differently with english. I've complained enough on plurk with chinese today so, uh, i'm here now lol.

I am so sick right now i don't even know if it's food poisoning or normal cough / fever. Anyway, i stared at a blank canvas in csp for >4 hours and cannot even do anything because of all the migraines i have.

The pain kinda took away the little inspiration and creativity i had, even though i have like a full idea list with detailed and concrete comic plot attached to almost every single item on the list.

So i'm gonna post the second hound i've ever drawn, probably because i have just lost the capability to make proper decisions. Also being sick and cannot physically do anything made my mind flew to who knows where.

2022/02/12

I mean, it kinda sucks. I know i also didn't achieve anything important now but oh man.

You know, it's kinda a miracle why i'm here doing art stuff almost every single day, and why this piece is in my phone in the first place. If you've seen my stuff a lot (for whatever reason) you might already know i...don't like myself very much. Not until recently when i'm reading a book did i realize i'm a perfectionist type of person. Like, i don't like failure, i don't like being...not able to do stuff. When i try something i think i can achieve and realize that i actually just...don't have the ability to do the stuff to my standards, i'd very likely just quit.

I was not capable of drawing anything. You might be thinking "oh no art is not about being capable or making masterpiece first try it's for fun you can do whatever." I kinda got it, like i understand the point this sentence is trying to convey, but my brain just...doesn't work like that. I think perfectionist is just an inherent bad habit of mine. Especially that i've been lurking on social media watching actual masterpiece level of fanart (at least to me) since i was like, 12. My taste of art and what i perceive as "good" did not match my ability to draw, and very likely never will.

It's basically a death sentence, because if you can't really achieve something to your standards then why do you even try? I mean, objectively speaking it's very illogical to say that and you can probably deduce a lot of contradictions from that, maybe like "masters were once a noob too they weren't born with all the skills they have" or something like that. But that's why i said i'm a perfectionist and it's my inherent bad habit. My brain just defaults to...whatever illogical thinking i said. Until that piece of Bloodhound i've already tried to draw many characters years before, but those attempts just...never last.

But that time, when i tried to draw Bloodhound, i recalled an advice that you should put all your work on the internet. Just, literally all of them, no matter how bad it was. It kinda makes sense to me actually. To keep the progress for future inspections; to give myself a pressure to draw something every day; to put what i was thinking into words, knowing that i will forget all the struggle i had once i became good enough (if that ever happens).

So i made a new plurk account. Nice platform, only taiwanese use that, very little people, even less will see my art months into the cause so that's nice for an introvert like me. But the pressure i gave myself to post everyday is very real, and i despise my art every single day. Old habits die hard, even for now.

Everything kinda flows natually after i got into the habit of posting things everyday. I must stress that this habit itself is a miracle. I'm an introvert that can't really talk with strangers, let alone shouting out loud (i.e., posting) on the internet. Anyway, this changed things. I started to actually draw, like, almost every day. There's never anything i did in my life that i actually made into a habit, or, uh, just generally do everyday without much obstacles in my heart. I usually just play games after school and watch youtube and daydream about all kinds of plot about the game, that'd be all i do.

I can get through a lot of details about the progress thanks to the post i was making, but to put it simply: i think i'm trash at making art, and my art is also trash, so i tried to learn things to make it…less trash. Most art post i've done i wrote about what i tried and what i've learned. Not actual research and book reading, just a bit of observation i made to make my hound look better.

At roughly 2023/2 i saw a post about learning art in 100 days. Ignoring all the thoughts thinking i was trash and achieved way less in a year, i actually started borrowing books about art. Spent like 2 months on stonehouse's anatomy, also a bit on perspective. I'm kinda a nerd so i'm completely fine with the biology and perspective related math (like most properties are 10 seconds easy proof after all). But the memorizing part of anatomy and the intuition part of perspective i'm still trying to get familiar with. Well that all comes down to practice and practice and more practice, which i do way less than i should to be honest.

At 2023/7 i made this account. That time i just got into destiny 2. Fun fact, that banner of cayde + bloodhound + omen was made in ~2023/6 and i didn't even know which games cayde and omen are from until i actually look it up.

And…yeah. This post kinda turns into my history of drawing but this is it. Still learning, still making my daydreams into art. i think the only thing that changed this year is that i kinda enjoy my own art now. I still think some of them are bad, especially as the art gets older, but it's not completely unbearable now. Like, i often go back to some old posts and think "oh yeah i drew this idea, still hilarious to me lol." Crazy, huh?

Okay i'm tired. I think this should have some kind of ending or conclusion...

Yeah, so why it's a miracle i'm here? I started to make art, i kinda made it a habit, i posted about my art even if i'm an introvert irl, i look down upon my own art because i'm a perfectionist, i still make art despite of that, i post enough stuff on the internet before and i plucked up my courage to post on english platforms (i.e., tumblr), and i'm still making art till this day.

I didn't meant it as some kind of art learning advice because you shouldn't even listen to me in that case. It's just me mesmerized by how i even ended up here. Tend to do that when i'm sick on bed doing nothing.

C'est la vie, am i right?

[anditookthatmetaphorically]

hi. if you're in this tag, you're suffering, so here's some things that work for me. i can make no promises about how WELL they work, in my experience every flare is different and i'm keenly aware how lucky i am that i only get flares (knock on wood). but i know how it is to be in so much anguish that you're willing to try anything, and i've been in this tag myself looking for help i couldn't find, so here goes.

(other sufferers please feel free to add your own strategies as well, even if they directly contradict mine. this beast is different for everyone it hurts.)

STUFF THAT HELPS ME:

for some reason, sitting with my feet propped up, with one leg straight and one bent. the more horizontal the better, with as little pressure on the trouble spots as physically possible. (fully inclining to get all my blood to go up instead of down can help too.)

ibuprofen or other painkillers, efficacy varies.

vibration. not in a sexy way, think massage levels at a steady and unchanging rate, and not for too long. at the right angle it seems to overwhelm my nerves and make them stop trying to send information. (i mostly use this when i'm feeling active pain, it's not helpful if the sensation is only distracting, and too much pressure will make it worse.)

getting off, but, and this is important - CONSCIOUSLY RELAXING immediately afterward, every muscle in my body, and staying that way as long as possible. i do this even when i'm not in the middle of a flare in hopes of rewiring my physiology to not immediately roar back to attention. sometimes it can trick my body into accepting whatever satiating hormones are getting released as enough to (mostly) turn off, at least for a while. twice is the max before i try something else.

as much as possible, i try not to get off more than twice in the same day. often by the third or fourth time i am actively making the flare worse, or i'm risking a flare if i'm not already having one.

for some fucking reason i tend to bloat up during one of these, so lately i use peppermint to try to address that. not sure how well it works yet, but if you're bloating, you can probably tell how much worse that's making it, try to bring it down any way you can.

this requires doctor buy-in but muscle relaxants can help me sometimes, if nothing else they'll help me sleep through it. diazepam varies for me, it can make things better or do nothing, it's a toss-up.

the yoga position "happy baby." i don't do it right since i don't know how to yoga, but it tends to hurt my back for a while which can be nice and distracting, and when that eventually goes away it helps with taking the pressure off as much as possible. i haven't tested it for very long periods because it's hard to do anything in that position except think about how much i hate having pgad, which means i'm thinking about the problem, which doesn’t help.

progesterone supplements help. i'm afab so i don't know if this will help amab people but if you can talk your doctor into it, allegedly it's supposed to calm everything down. however, messing with your hormones in any way always runs the risk of making it worse, so be aware.

brief, inconsistent pressure. kind of the same thing as the vibration, it's about overloading the nerves so they shut up for a minute (which i'm aware may be a quirk of mine and not a universal experience). think more scratching or pinching, less pressing or rubbing. again doesn’t really help with arousal, just pain.

keeping an empty bladder. i don't know why, it's just generally worse for me if it's full, so i go early and often.

STUFF I AVOID:

ice. for me this is the definition of short term relief in exchange for long term suffering, no matter how much relief i get in the moment it's going to be ten times worse later and tends to only prolong the flare.

lidocaine gel. i might get a little relief from this, but not much, and i suspect all it really does is make me unaware just how much pressure i'm putting on the area, which only agitates everything and makes things worse when the numbness wears off.

ssris. i know these are marketed as a treatment for this condition, which is wild to me because i got mine from taking ssris and you'd have to strap me down and sedate me to get me to take them again. i have basically become very hyperaware of any med that can potentially mess with my serotonin in particular and will immediately reject one if i start to feel a flare coming on when i start taking it. i also request that my doctor start me on very low doses of anything we suspect of being a trigger, so i can hopefully catch it before it gets bad.

i already kinda mentioned it but getting off too often, this invariably makes everything so much worse and the sensation and the desperation only increase over time. if i fuck up like this sometimes squeezing in the right place to reduce as much blood flow to the trouble spot as i possibly can will help, but only temporarily, and ideally i can recover enough to move on to a distraction technique instead.

thinking about it, which is why i'm going to have to stop working on this post now and try to do something else (reading and gaming and watching video essays or doing more than one thing at once tends to be my go-to, i tend to be unable to focus on a hobby that requires too much active thinking like drawing or writing or studying during a flare).

again you know your situation better than i ever will, unfortunately, so if you already know something on this list will just make it worse, please don't try that. if something that doesn’t work for me works for you then thank god something works, do that thing i beg.

best of luck and i hope you can find relief somewhere, in those thin places we have to accept as the best we can get for now.

[ray-talks]

2/7/24

as you can see, i did not post yesterday.

i straight-up binged yesterday. not even that i ate more than i would have liked, i ate until my stomach hurt, and i became nauseous. halting my progress with weight loss is one thing -- and, yes, it is terrible and i am horrified. but what truly irks me, and legitimately unsettles me, is the betrayal of my own principles. am i seriously all talk? am i hypocrite through and through? am i lying to myself? i worry that i am not who i think i am -- or maybe i do know who i am deep down, but don't want to meet eyes with it. what conclusion i draw is that i am a weak-minded person, i do not have actual convictions, and i do whatever is easiest for me. i cannot commit to anything -- life or death, happiness or suffering, so i just meander between the two. i made a goal with intentions to suffer and create meaning from it, so i can die peacefully. if i am not following this, then what the fuck am i doing?

yesterday was so upsetting to me, that it kept playing in my head throughout today, unable to let it go and making me feel sick. it made me more suicidal than i already am. i have been intentionally refraining from these lines of thought, so it does not hinder my goals, and i try not consider it until it is the right time. but i couldn't stop from having these thoughts today. if i were to pursue these, it would have to give great certainty, because i am not failing again, and ending up hospitalized. i'd have to try a more directly fatal method then past attempts; this however, is hard, because i have to have a greater gall to do it. it's a lot easier to coax yourself into taking a bottle of pills, then the alternative method i am considering. i wonder if i even have the strength to do it, or if i am too much of a fucking coward? so pathetic.

even so, this isn't relevant yet, because i refuse to act on these impulses for the time being. i cannot let this intercede my plans. i've stated this before, but caving in leads to mistakes -- errors that i cannot afford. the possibility of failure is not something i want to risk happening. i'd also be throwing all my efforts, my goal, to the wind. i am not willing to give that up yet. it will defeat the entire purpose of my wish. i'll die accomplishing nothing, really being the useless person i have always believed myself to be, and the weak-minded individual i characterized above. at least if i push myself to the limit, it says something about me -- that i can be passionate and purposeful, instead of a body that simply is alive, but ultimately, devoid of any soul.

again, i am so perturbed by all this is because i am ruining my goal, i am going against what i claim to care about. maybe i hate being human, that full-control will forever be beyond my grasp. a part of me always has and will long for perfection. regardless, i need to remember that mistakes are inevitable, and will be inevitable for me, and to not let my emotions best me. if i stumble on my path, i have to regain balance, brush myself off, and continue forward. i have no other choice. i am such a jumble of contradictions, it's so hard to decipher for me what i even believe. when i'm lying, when i'm telling the truth. my problem is that i think too hard about it; i question every little action i take, and waste time trying to consider what it means and why. it doesn't actually matter. all that matters is getting my shit together long enough to win. falling into pieces can wait. i desperately need to focus.

another piece of information to mention is that i attended a consultation for interventional psychiatry. essentially, the psychiatrist recommended me to do either esketamine or tms (transcranial magnetic stimulation). this is problematic to me. based on how they described it, it sounded too effective, stating around 70% of patients reduce their depression symptoms by 50% -- either that, or the psychiatrist was trying to market it in the most flattering light. obviously, i do not want to be altered by this procedure. i have no desire to "improve" my mental health -- it would be counterproductive to my goal. i need to be in a depressed enough mindset to accomplish what i set out to do. and, on top of that, securing stability in happiness is no longer a priority to me. i am not interested in it.

the reason why i can't just refuse to do this, is because i am being forced to by my parents. even though, i am a legal adult now and can't be technically forced to do anything, i have to maintain a good relationship with them. i need the appearance of stability to protect myself, and more specifically and above all else, my eating disorder. i am financially dependent upon them, and i do care about them and i have a motivation to shield them from the reality of my situation (whether this is out of selflessness or selfishness is debatable). the reason i attend therapy and take my medications is to satisfy them. but i am also aware, the medication and therapy do not change me in ways i dislike. i have no idea what these procedures would do to me. i want to confidently say it'll make no difference, but i have gotten warier. i do not believe manipulating them into thinking that i am better and do not need these procedures would work. so, it would seem my hands are tied. i'll continue to update about this as it either comes to fruition or the aftermath of it.

on today's restriction, it could have been better, which is also irritating, considering the fiasco over yesterday. i have still yet to attempt purging again to see if it is working again. i was originally going to try again after wednesday, but i think that i might see my friend tomorrow instead of friday, and i'll be unable to. i'm not sure if this is necessarily a bad thing, because perhaps waiting longer may hopefully convince my body to work properly. i will admit, though, that i am hesitating because i am afraid of discovering that my break did nothing. then again, i suppose nothing can be done, and i would have to rely purely on restriction. this would definitely be a significant blow to me nevertheless, morale-wise and goal-wise. since i am unable to fast for days and have to restrict my intake instead, no longer having purging as an option, would be a hindrance. i really don't want to have to think about this.

goodness, this might be the longest entry i have ever made. i have a feeling no one will read this one (lol). even so, if you managed to read all this, despite my incessant complaining and unsavory pity-party throwing, then i congratulate you. i hope you have a better day than mine.

[melis-writes]

Request for where Sonny doesn’t call Victoria a slut or whore or those sort of names because he knows that what they have together is different and much more than an affair and is true deep love & affection for each other, that they only want each other.

Oooh, I see. 👀 I know they can get it on with dirty talk in the bed but we definitely are sorely missing some fluffy, romantic moments for Victonny!! ❤

Siting out upon the balcony at Sonny and Sandra’s private estate, away from prying eyes and listening ears, you feel a harmonious kind of peace and privacy overlooking the gorgeous waters of Lake Tahoe with Sonny sitting next to you.

“I’ve never seen you this happy before.” Gazing at Sonny, your eyes momentarily flicker down to his hand gently clasping over yours.

“Does it surprise you?” Sonny chuckles, meeting your glance.

“A little.” You blush, intertwining your fingers with his. “Because it’s at the cost of someone else’s happiness.”

“I know you don’t mean that.” Sonny’s eyes flash with playfulness. “Because that would contradict our lifestyles, wouldn’t it?”

You laugh softly, nodding. “I suppose it would, though the last thing I want to tell you is that Sandra—”

“Is happier without me?” Sonny raises a brow. “Yeah, you can say it. I know we both see it anyway.”

“Sonny,” you frown, squeezing his hand. “But still—”

“I don’t care, Vic.” Sonny tells you. “I honestly can’t even express to you in some kinda way how much I don’t give a shit about her or any of this. She’s glad to be out of my face all the time? Fine then, whatever. She’s doin’ me a favour because I don’t want her.”

“Not anymore?” You ask, unable to stop yourself from pitying the inevitable demise of Sonny and Sandra’s marriage.

“That’s the thing,” a wry grin forms over Sonny’s lips. “Since when, right?”

“Since us.” You mention, feeling your cheeks burn with blush at the very words coming out of your mouth.

“Even before then, but all because of you.” Sonny replies, raising your hand up to his mouth before kissing the back of it deeply. “Pop was the only one who noticed and man, he gave me an earful.”

“Wait, what do you mean?” Blushing furiously, even Sonny’s able to tell by your rosy cheeks as to just how flustered you’re getting.

“When you first came to meet our family,” Sonny begins to confess, “and you walked into my father’s office. It’s like I regretted every other life choice I made before then, ya know? I saw you and—”

“Santinoooo,” you whine, growing embarrassed and suddenly shy from his confession.

Sonny pulls you closer to him on the bench by your hip, grinning at you. “C’mon, baby, it’s the truth. I’, not making this shit up. You think Michael was the only one who looked at you in there and thought ‘this woman is everything I want and more’? I’ve craved you since then, even if I couldn’t have you. And now? I don’t even consider myself married to Sandra.”

“Actually?” Your eyes begin to widen.

“When I’m with you, everything’s different.” Sonny can practically feel his heart aching within his chest. “’Cause to me it’s not the sex, it’s not what we had in New York. It’s so much more even if it can’t legally be.”

“I don’t need a bunch of paperwork telling me what I am and who I’m with.” You mumble back, snuggling onto Sonny’s arm. “I know what I want and what I have.”

“You know I’m yours just as much as you’re mine.” Sonny runs his free hand through your hair, stroking it back. “And that ain’t gonna change for anyone or anything—Mike included.”

“I knew it’d get to this.” You whisper back, unable to push back your growing shyness. “I wanted it to so badly.”

Sonny stares at you for a moment, utterly bewildered. “You’ve no idea how much I needed to hear that.”

“I’m in love with you.” You admit, speaking your truth. “I’m not in an affair with you. That’s what this is—what this all means to me. It is so much more. I’m not thinking about New York either, I’m not thinking about any of that. I’ve lived a double life since the day I was born, and that’s what I’ll continue to do now if it means we can keep what we have.”

“I’d never say no to that.” Sonny’s both thrilled and stunned by your words. “But you know if you ever want to stop living a life like that, you can run away with me anytime you want.”

[midnightpillsnacking]

[Anthos* S2V3 A 2-11] Hana-Doll 2nd Season INCOMPLICA:IT~ICON~ Translation

Translation below the cut.

Google Drive link | Listen to the album on Spotify

Project Archive: A 2-11

Ryoga: Please excuse me.

Amagiri: Ah, you’ve arrived.

Ryoga: Good to see you.

Amagiri: Come, take a seat.

Amagiri: Apologies for making you come all the way down here to the main office.

Ryoga: I didn’t take it as an obligation. I wanted to talk to you again, face-to-face, and it takes two hands to clap. That’s all there is to it. 

Amagiri: I see. I admit that I believed that you wouldn’t say no to this opportunity, but that would give the impression that I’ve left you hanging, wouldn’t it?

(Door knocks. A staff member enters)

Staff member: Excuse me, I’ve brought some tea.

Amagiri: Thank you. You can leave it there.

(Staff member puts the tray down)

Staff member: I’ll be taking my leave then.

Ryoga: I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t expecting you to reach out. But then again, it works out for me. After all, I’m just a nuisance of a has-been to you, right?

Amagiri: There wouldn’t be any other reason to initiate contact with you. I acknowledge that much. Kagekawa Ryoga-kun, allow me to express my gratitude for the effort you’ve put into your work. 

Ryoga: You and your lip service… Let me make this clear, I’m only putting up with so much just to get up close and personal with you. After I’m done with you, I have every intention of leaving you in the dust.

Amagiri: How curious, that sounds like deja vu.

Ryoga: Right back at you. You went ahead and did a background check on me, didn’t you? But tough luck, Hiro secured his right to be in Anthos* and he will never turn out the way you wanted him to. And I’ll make sure it won’t happen. Never again.

Amagiri: Oh?

Ryoga: Anyway, what kind of ‘regulating’ were you expecting from me? Shall we just call it off here?

Amagiri: *chuckles* Just what on earth are you talking about?

Ryoga: Whatever you say now can’t surprise me anymore. 

Amagiri: It seems like we are having a sort of misunderstanding. 

Ryoga: Misunderstanding?

Amagiri: My goal is to birth the perfect idol, and to have Anthos play along with that made me most pleased, so thank you. It was truly the right decision to bring you in and give that good-for-nothing a little push.

Ryoga: Hiro isn’t some good-for-nothing! My responsibility to watch over Anthos was over once Hiro’s flower bloomed. That’s what I came here to tell you. (Ryoga gets up to leave)

Amagiri: Hold it right there. I’m not done talking.

Ryoga: There’s nothing I want to hear.

Amagiri: I still have a duty of importance to bestow you.

Ryoga: Say what you want, but I’ve made up my mind about not going along with your plans anymore.

Amagiri: Just sit down and hear me out, at least for the short time until Ageha returns.

Ryoga: Returns?

Amagiri: It was a long talk.

Ryoga: I see.. So that’s why he was in a bad mood…

Ryoga: If what you’re saying is true, then you’re just contradicting yourself.

Amagiri: Contradicting myself? About?

Ryoga: Why would you call me over in the middle of your discussion with Karasuma Ageha? Louloudi*’s the closest thing you have to your ‘perfect idol’, so of course Ageha would take greater priority for you.

Amagiri: Some greedy personality you have, I must say. Between the both of us, there’s not enough patience to go around. Why don’t you sit down and have a cup of tea, and perhaps we can reach some sort of mutual agreement?

Ryoga: Quit messing with me.

Amagiri: I most certainly am not. Listen closely, Kagekawa-kun. I have expectations of you. You have great talent.

Ryoga: Talent? Something like that–

Amagiri: You have the talent to set the pulse of the group called Anthos*--and by extension its members–into motion. The fate of whether that good-for-nothing lived or died was riding on your whims.

Ryoga: What do you mean?

Amagiri: I meant exactly as I said, word for word. Here, take a seat. I’ll have them make some hot tea.

(Elevator rings)

Ryoga: (sighs) Seriously… What was supposed to be brief ended up being so long-winded… And I guess those two from Louloudi* ended up going back too, huh. I wanted to try talking to them a bit more.

Setsuna: Ryoga?

Ryoga: Setsuna?

Setsuna: What are you doing?

Ryoga: That’s my line. What’re you doing here?

Setsuna: I was called over.

Ryoga: Called over? By whom?

Setsuna: I don’t know.

Ryoga: Huh?

Setsuna: I was just told that someone from the main office wanted to see me, so I came. How about Ryoga?

Ryoga: Well, I–uh. Same thing.

Setsuna: Same thing?

Ryoga: Oh, right, did you bump into Ageha and Rui?

Setsuna: No, I didn’t. Why?

Ryoga: They were here just a second ago. I kind of heard a little from Hiro that you guys were friends.

Setsuna: Oh. Friends… No. That’s probably not it.

Ryoga: Probably?

Setsuna: Knowing just what they look like doesn’t make them my friends. Am I wrong?

Ryoga: You’re not… entirely wrong. But, really?

Setsuna: Really. I don’t have a reason to lie to you, do I?

Ryoga: You’re telling me.

Setsuna: I don’t. That’s why I’m telling you the truth.

Ryoga: Got it, sorry for doubting you there.

Setsuna: Did I… do something to make Ryoga doubt me?

Ryoga: Not anymore.

Setsuna: Hmm… Say, can I ask you something?

Ryoga: Well, if it’s something I can answer.

Setsuna: Is Mahiro… doing well?

Ryoga: Why are you asking me that?

Setsuna: I was just wondering if he’s happy.

Ryoga: He’s plenty happy. So are all my other groupmates.

Setsuna: I see.

Medical Staff: You’re Yashiro Setsuna-san, right?

Setsuna: Mm.

Medical Staff: Allow me to escort you. This way, please.

Setsuna: I’ll be going, okay?

Ryoga: Sure. See you around.

Setsuna: See you, Ryoga.

(Setsuna leaves)

Ryoga: (sighs) I just don’t get that guy… He seems pretty out-of-it at first glance, but his joining in was under President Amagiri’s orders. Just what is he hoping to achieve? Going by his line of thinking to create the perfect idol, letting Setsuna join Anthos* midway wouldn’t even have the benefit of acting as an observer. Harbouring instability would just be detrimental to the growth of the flower. The timing is just too risky. Then could it mean, he’s aiming for something else…?

Ryoga: (groans) I have no clue!

Ryoga: I’m back!

Kaoru: Welcome back, um…

Ryoga: Oh? What’s up, Kaoru?

Kaoru: It’s nothing, uh–

Mahiro: Ryo-san, welcome back!

Ryoga: I’m back, Hiro. Whatever you’ve got in that pot smells pretty good!

Mahiro: (puts down pot) Right? Today is my specially-made beef stew!

Haruta: Hiro-nii, I’m gonna leave the ladle here, ‘kay?

Mahiro: Yep, thanks!

Haruta: Ryo-nii, since when did you get back?

Ryoga: Just now.

Kaoru: Ryo-san… Ryo-nii… oh, right, Ryoga-san.

Ryoga: …Kaoru?

Kaoru: Yes! What is it?

Ryoga: What’s up with you? You’ve got something you wanna tell me?

Kaoru: Well… I was thinking that you came back quite late, so I was wondering where you went.

Mahiro: Yeah! You just suddenly got up and went all by yourself.

Ryoga: My bad, my bad. I just went out to take photos of the mountains. It’s been some time since I took a hike and snapped a bunch, so I just went a little further than expected!

Haruta: Lucky you were right in time for food.

Mahiro: We were thinking about taking your portion if you weren’t going to turn up for dinner, right?

Haruta: Totes!

Ryoga: You two cut me some slack, save that for Lihito.

Lihito: Save what for who? I heard a mention about secretly making off with meals.

Ryoga: Your coincidental timing is way too convenient…

Lihito: Did you say something?

Ryoga: Something about you and your sharp hearing.

Lihito: Did you honestly believe I’d let you off with a comeback like that?

Chise: Ryo-kun, welcome back!

Ryoga: Oh, Chise! You’re looking better today.

Chise: Hehe, Litto kept me company the whole day! (hugs)

Lihito: !! H-hold on, Chise…!

Chise: That’s why I’m all right as rain!

Ryoga: Good for you.

Mahiro: (claps) Okay, everyone, time to set the table, before the beef stew gets cold!

Haruta: On it! Kao-nii, let’s go.

Kaoru: Y-yes!

Ryoga: Sure feels good to be back.

Mahiro: Ryo-san.

Ryoga: Hmm? What’s up?

Mahiro: After dinner, if it’s alright with you, could you show it to me? Those photos you took of the mountains, I mean.