#i am angry right now do not talk to me
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Barto breaking down thinking he's going to die and the one thing he regrets is not being able to see Luffy become pirate king, and when it turns out he can live despite a mistake committed by his undying loyalty (that Shanks forgives because, what the hell, it isn't even that serious and scaring him is good enough as a warning), Yasopp goes and literally attacks his ship with the probability of killing them all...... Yasopp when I fucking catch you--
#i am angry right now do not talk to me#yasopp sweetie you were hard to love at first for most of the fandom i do not think you're keeping in mind your popularity out here#also shanks was so happy luffy had loyal followers why the hell would you do this#what barto did was messed up but i don't think it's worth killing him dude#one piece#one piece spoilers#one piece 1126#red haired pirates#yasopp#red haired shanks#bartolomeo the cannibal
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I'm still thinking about how ashamed I was (and am) with being open about my pain because I am so young. It's so hard to feel worthy of having your pain taken seriously when the people around you insist that young bodies are always in pristine, untouched condition and that you must earn your pain through aging. Never is it considered that young people aren't lying or being a hypochondriac for expressing their pain.
Young people can be in life-altering pain. Young people can have debilitating pain. It doesn't matter what age it happens because pain doesn't discriminate. Complaining about pain and doing things to prevent needless pain aren't something you have to "earn" through aging.
If you want young people to be in less or lesser pain, then encourage them to do whatever they can to minimize it. Don't downplay what they're experiencing. Not everything is a lie, not every experience that is different than yours is exaggeration or deceit.
#disability#ableism#ableism tw#this is one of the big reasons i was ashamed of admitting when i am in pain#and it's one of the reasons i was ashamed to address the pain i have#and i'm angry about that actually! nobody should fear being labeled as essentially having munchausen syndrome because...#...'young people NEVER have pain or disabilities and you're a liar!'#i really do want to start addressing my pain because i know it's not normal but holy shit batman it can suck sometimes#i honestly like talking to my dad about this because he also has a lot of pain (moreso than i do now) but he actually TRIES to listen...#putting this in the disability tag but i still don't feel right about labeling my own pain as such...#...but i know so many people with disabling pain who would relate...#...maybe it's internalized ableism on my part or maybe i just want to be respectful of people with worse pain#this is me really just reflecting on m the fact that i haven't ever had an amazing body in a lot of ways (though i am lucky still)#i'm still thinking about having an emergency cane to help me get up when my pain is bad but idk if it's worth the investment#so if anybody reading this has suggestions (esp. for those with back pain)... please hook me up i will platonically love you forever
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#cassy bitches#i am. so fucking tired and annoyed and stressed#our fucking shower hasn't worked in two weeks bc my parter decided to remodel and then didnt finish the job!#and now her fucking sibling fucked up our dishwasher and it leaked water EVERYWHERE including apparently under the floorboards#and im pretty sure i can smell black mold in the kitchen now which! great! another nightmare we're gonna have to fix ourselves#since we cant afford to get a contractor and even if we could no one ever returns our calls when we do try to hire someone#AND my friend went to surgery for appendicitis and that's freaking me out#and ON TOP of that ive been creatively juiced out and feeling like shit about the things i make and my ocs and like. me#like everyone's just been secretly tolerating me all this time and if i disappear no one's going to notice#i feel like nothing i make or am doing is worthwhile and im just GROSS and ANGRY and ANNOYING#and even complaining in tags on a post makes me feel like a whiny baby like. there are wars etc why am i complaining boo hoo#so i cant even talk to people about how i feel bc it makes me so ashamed that im feeling this way to begin with#ive been resisting the urge to just delete everything at this point bc then at least i wont have the urge to check everything and feel wors#why does awful shit always happen right around my birthday. why am i cursed like this
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as badly as i want to avoid my mom she is making it extremely difficult
#i feel really bad that im so angry at her and she doesnt even know it#but my entire living situation is making me miserable right now and its her fault#she charges me $50 in rent every week and shes increasing it to $125 a week at the end of the month#the only reason this is happening is because she FORCED ME to drop out and the only other alternative was that i had to work full time + pa#rent.............. but like at my job even if im working 40 hrs a week ill only be making abt $900 a month#so i will barely have anything leftover for myself after rent#and i cannot get a second job bc i frankly can not handle it at all + what hours would i even work#and my mom refuses to understand that the reason i had to drop out is bc i am so depressed and so suicidal and i just dont want to live#she doesnt acknowledge that im disabled and severely mentally ill#every time i try to talk about my mental health she treats me like im such a burden to her even though i literally never tell her anything#personal anymore bc she just doesnt listen or care#ALSO she FORCED ME to move across the country and transfer schools when i really did not want (hence why i flunked all of my classes bc i d#not care) but like. everything thats wrong in my life rn is bc i do not want ot live where im living and theres no way for me to go back to#texas and also i dont rly wanna live w my dad either#but anyways. this whole situation would be better if my mom was using me paying rent as an actual lesson in adult respinsibility#but it's really just a punishment because i cant function the way she wants me to#and im over it#so fucking over it why am i such a pussy why cant i just die
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I kinda really hate how I've been treated throughout my life
#Entire life of abuse and neglect and mistreatment only to always be told none of it happened. To the point where I really struggle with#thinking that I made it all up or that I'm overreacting or faking or playing the victim constantly#I honestly try my best to move forward and I want to be happy. I see absolutely zero point in wallowing. Others can if they wish‚ but I wan#to enjoy my life at some point. I think I've gotten better the past year- In great part of my dearly beloved- but it's still so#deeply difficult. Interactions so commonly feel like a trap and there is the perpetual sense of being watched and monitored#I often feel like a prey animal that is cornered and my only options are to take it in fear and die or to lash out and hurt the other party#I think I'm not as mean as others in this system though LMFAO. I'm not like Roxas who once compared a friend of ours to our parents during#an argument.#<- Not to say Roxas is a bad person. He's a severely hurt and traumatized kid who kinda only knows how to lash out to protect himself#Sighs. It's complicated. I do not wish to be someone angry like Roxas or Lexi. But they actually talk back and stand up for themselves. And#the system as a whole. Whereas I fawn and take it and then wonder why I always want to kill myself 24/7#I don't really know how to speak up for myself because it really feels like every single time I do (Or just voice an opinion confidently in#a group) it goes horribly wrong and people get upset and angry with me#And then people being angry at me causes major fucking spirals because it reminds me of my mother and then I start feeling like I'm going t#be fucking berated and have a metal crate thrown at me again 😭😭😭 Or get kicked out of the car or given the silent treatment etc etc etc#Which is a me problem I need to get over my fear of people being mad at me because it's an inevitable fact of life but. Hashtag severely#traumatized and still actively being traumatized by multiple parties#And also being in my own head and existing is very fucking harmful! Being in a mind that is so aggressive and destructive... It's difficult#to just 'get over' my issues‚ you know? So whenever they come up I try to just isolate so I don't cause any issues#<- Unless it's my histrionic stuff acting up. Then I'm complaining like hell because it feels actually fucking painful to not be receiving#attention during those breakdowns#Anyways! I kinda fucking suck and hate myself right now and want to kms. But that's how I am 24/7 so whatever#tw suicide#⛪️
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AHHHHHH
#this post brought to you by: me#i. applied for a preapproval letter for a mortgage yesterday. and spoke to a realtor to start finding me houses#i want to move several states away which further complicated things. but the houses there are CHEAP#like under 100k for a 2 bedroom move in ready#anyways i got approved for 80k with a 20k down payment. and im FREAKING THE FUCK OUT#and because i got that pre app letter i have a loan officer calling me today to talk#and we literally work at the same bank so i can SEE that hes active and hasnt read my message#even though its been 45 minutes. KEVIN MESSAGE ME BACK. IM NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO FOCUS UNTIL I DO THIS CALL#AHHHHHHH S C R E A M. it might happening!!!! i might be finally.mov8ng out in a few months!!!#i mgiht be a HOMEOWNER by the end of the year#i have been saving money for this since i was. 16? 17?#ive had a good well paying job since i was 18.#AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#once i have a house then i start job searching in that area. and start getting really serious about LEAVING my very good job#which is soooo scary. this job was supposed to be my lifelong career. but then everyone fucking moved to other states and left me behind#so theres no point staying here.#i might never have this kind of job security again.#but also my realtor said that theres a lot of bank jobs in that area so maybe itll be easy to find something#on the fence on if i tell my parents that im Making Moves right now#on one hand its hard to not talk about it becuae im STRESSED TF OUT#but on the other hand when i tentatively mentioned the state i want to move to#richard started yelling and swearing el oh el#might be better to wait and avoid the tension as long as possible?#but also i dont know how they can stay angry when its literally my best option#the other places where my friends live either have 0 opportunity and high housing prices. or are even moe liberal than where im going#idk. why do half of my problems come down to “my parents will be mad” like im a 12 year old or something. shit fucking sucks#this is why i want to get out of here#also it feels weird and bad to talk to my friends about how stressed i am about buying a house when all of them are stressed about#not being able to make rent or something. my problems feel like a brag in a really odd and shitty way. but hey!#if this works out maybe ill start being stressed about how im going to make my mortgage payments! :') yay!
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My roommate and I had a conversation last night and I keep rotating it in my brain and I Don’t Like It
#blue chatter#they called me a resilient person. and no the fuck I am not. I break down so easily over everything and my body is falling apart on me.#I scream in terror when someone knocks on the door too hard the fuck you mean I’m good at handling adversity#I pointed out that I freak out whenever my grade gets low even a little bit#and they were just sitting there like ‘yeah. and then you pick yourself up again and you do the work.’#and no? not always? oftentimes I give up and don’t try hard enough to fix it and let points go that I could have earned#I barely ever go for extra credit opportunities and I’ve never gone to office hours of my own free will#I can’t even think about talking to a professor about a bad grade without wanting to cry? hello?#but they were insistent that even with those things I am still managing Incredibly Well in class given the circumstances. which made me#uncomfortable. like. I don’t think of myself as resilient At All and I feel a bit like I’m lying or tricking them.#I start shaking like a chihuahua when people are upset and I’m In The Vicinity. even when they’re clearly not upset with me.#I really struggle to advocate for myself ever and even when I do I usually feel guilty and walk it back partway so I don’t cause a fight#and I always get way too emotional for the situation when someone has anything they’re upset with me for. which isn’t fair to them bc I need#to be able to take constructive criticism without taking it as a personal attack on me.#like what the fuck do you mean *resilient*. I can’t even handle seeing a bug flying near my face or getting a B in a class. or being told#that I did something wrong. I’m actually significantly worse at handling adversity than I used to be. high school me was a resilientish kid.#and it’s not like I was ever *good* at handling my emotions. even when it was essential for my safety. I’ve always cried way too easily#even when it actively made the situation I was in Much Worse. even when I knew better.#I would get angry and scared and sad and start shaking and crying and even screaming at my parents when they were mad at me even though#I knew that it would always make my life much worse. and extend an already beleaguered argument.#I brought this up with my therapist and she was like ‘well. anybody would have done that if they were treated like you were’.#which. okay. maybe so. I still feel like I should have been able to handle it and just shut up and move on and not make it worse.#but I am aware that this is probably a cognitive distortion. even so. that definitely doesn’t make me resilient.#I just. I feel gross being called resilient. I’m not. I’m weak and easily scared and unable to handle even small amounts of adversity.#the fuck is my roommate even *seeing*.#the annoying part is that they’re generally an insightful person about other people and I know logically that they’re probably right#which is why I’m not going to complain any more about this to their face bc I should just drop it and not make it a Thing#I talk too much about myself and my problems anyway. not every conversation has to be about my brain worms.#but the discomfort is Distinct and Unpleasant. and now I’m just having to sit with it. and Feel Uncomfortable. and try to accept what was#definitely intended as a compliment. I know it’s draining to talk to someone who doesn’t accept any of the kind things you say about them.
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it happened so early in the morning and i am STILL frothing with rage over this text my boss sent me
#unreasonable unbelievable targeting me bullshit like what is your problem what is your PROBLEM#are you punishing me preemptively for telling you i'm going back to school? LOL? cuz sure That makes me wanna stay!#i am splitting so viciously on her right now and i can't even care to wish i wasn't#this was the last fucking straw mentally for me on Trusting This Boss#and i sure as shit can't trust the one above her#i am soooo mad i am so mad i am so mad i am so mad#i just want to be transferred out already and start part time work somewhere else NOW#if i can leave earlier i fucking will#i will be without insurance for a bit but i can try to get on some fast#i just. ooh! ooooh!!!! you little fucker!!!!!!!!#i cannot trust a single person in the front of the building anymore#and i have to sit next to my least favorite person in the back now#and i am just. utterly miserable right now i am Miserable at this job that isn't even as bad as it could be#but holy shit the petty condescending bullshit is driving me fucking up the wall#i can't look at any of them!!!! without feeling intense hatred!!!!#i have no social life outside of work and i can't talk to ANYONE there about this because it'd just find its way back to her!!!!#i can't tell HR because it's not that serious! except it's driving my mental health into a tailspin!#but i still can't tell anyone!!!!!!!! because what proof do i have that she's singling me out!#even tho she has NEVER FUCKING DONE THIS TO OR ABOUT OTHER PPL#i can't Prove that and i sure as shit can't sit down with her and talk to her about my feelings#no job is ever fucking safe to do that in#i just want to walk into a river honestly like i need work so i can pay for college but i wanna be in college already and be Out of here#i just wanna skip to the END of college when i'm actually able to be a nurse and i can feel less like the butt monkey at work#i hate hate HATE being at the bottom of the totem pole i am literally nothing there even though they need me to function#but oh my gd the Looks people give me when i walk in a room like they expect bad news or to be annoyed#sorry for asking questions! would you rather i fuck up and you have to clean up the mess?#i clean up everyone else's messes all day!#they ARE going to feel it when i am not there anymore#you'd think they wouldn't be such cunts to me now but Nope. nope! almost All cunts.#i am so fucking angry at my boss in particular though that text fucking triggered rage i haven't felt in months
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a reminer that killing urself is always an appropriate reaction to everything.
out of your favorite candy? kill yourself!
its too hot? kill yourself!
your pc isn't good enough to run the game you want? kill yourself!
people keep drinking the water bottles you put in the fridge despite needing one to pour into a cup full of ice being the only way you can drink water when you're so hot you're about to cry? that's right, kill yourself!!
there are absolutely no downsides and it is the perfect solution to everything!
#tw sui talk#dont actually kill urself#but god i am so fucking angry right now and in the mood to guilt trip so hard#leave my fucking water bottles alone i literally cannot drink water any other way and ur directly preventing me from doing that#and you will be charged with homocide if i die of dehyration
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so i am singing that vitellia in the end... but at what fucking cost.
'you gotta sing this softer'
'what'
'this is mozart'
'this is vitellia'
'this is mozart'
'im singing about how much i hate this mf and want him dead before the end of the day'
'this is mozart'
'i wanna murder a guy'
'this is mozart'
'...'
'softer. gentle. mozart'
'...ok'
#they're killing me here#i already bargained for ONE (1) note in chest (thank you so so much that i am ALLOWED to sing an A3 in chest voice <333) and now THIS#THIS is why people hate mozart. fuck you.#i recorded that rehearsal and the first version sounds SO MUCH BETTER. after i did what she asked me to do its just. so fucking boring.#i hate it here#i love this duet so much but frfr im not sure i wanna do it if i have to do it on their terms.#also like sorry to be a bitch but you're a pianist girl. just stick to your stuff and let me take care of mine.#just because you're playing this like you're constipated because tHiS iS mOzArT doesnt mean the rest of us dont care either.#its possible i never will get the chance to sing the entire vitellia so i want to do justice. as much as im able. to this one chance i get#it took me A Long While to deal with the fact that i wont be able to bark that 'indegno' and 'regno' like i always envisioned.#but like. ok. whatever. i can still make it Entertaining. THIS however. no. no fucking way.#and its not even about me being a big-headed know-it-all who thinks she's better than everyone because. lol and lmao clearly im Not#but this is about having a fucking SOUL. its about actually taking the libretto into consideration too. its about trying to figure out#WHY mozart wrote it the way he did. like sorry but this is another fiordiligi case where its CLEAR that the amplitudes the crazy jumps#are there FOR A REASON. the reason is HE WANTED A CONTRAST. some fucking EMOTION. he sure as hell didnt want it to be Soft And Gentle.#i know it because i talked to him and he told me im right about everything as always and you can eat shit girl bye#grrrrrrrr im so angry#i knos i sound so arrogant here but please. please i just want to make this music fun and enjoyable. i just dont want it to be boring#please understand my vision im begging you
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They are trying to convince me Jason was always reckless and angry and impulse and tbh that fact is worse than them killing him
#is he impulse and a bit reckless YES. he absolutely CAN be. but you have to understand. i am holdijg your hand. its all wrong right now#its when someone who doesn't like a character talks about them#and theyre sooo insistent that he ANGRY#but he is?? barely??#like ok. hi. hello. most anger was at the end. you cant just pull that#and it always tended to mirror batman's#like alot.#and it character development anger. pretty much all heros go through that#what im saying is that jason is not notably angry or angrier than anyone else. and it would've gotten better#he can be a bit reckless and impulsive though. but its not the Same as theyre doing it#do you get me#and he is perfectly willing to draw back or accept theres not much he can do to help a situation#hes a NEW hero. hes a KID. he had so much to learn#and he wants to help and if he feels like he can help he will. even if itll get him in trouble#he just found out his dad it dead like a week before The Batman told him to get in the car and put on the robin costume#and Man do i habe Thoughts on that (being adopted as robin first. which wow. that. wow.#he helped batman fight at the museum and then he gets called robin ans then adopted. how do you think that affects a child#it would be so easy to feel bats only cares about him as robin#not to mention how much pre-retcon (im not calling it crisis) stressed that the Only way to really be close to bruce is to be with him#as batman#and as established by everyrhing this kid is Desperate for a parental figure#hey does jay ever call batman dad or have b call him son. i genuinely cant remember all examples i can think of are before the retcon#its a bit hard to say how much of that story remained. kinda feels like none. i miss harvey bullock#RAMBLING hi i am talking to myself right now. back to the point at hand. yknow how it is when someone who doesn't like a character writes e#dc liveblog
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it's a shitty night tonight and I am handling it horribly 😎
#just finished sobbing on my closet floor lol#went shopping w/ parents and had to walk around in heat and humidity and it was terrible#my legs were hurting my back was hurting it was fucking hot out and i was pissed#got some nice stuff but spent the entire ride home trying to drown everything out#especially being surrounded by ultra right assholes#now locked myself in my room trying to ignore everything my parents say/listen to#im sick of staying in my room all the time but there's no way in hell im leaving and having to hear everything#plus they're gonna talk to me about it and i am not in the mindset to deal with anything rn#like FUCK#how much longer do i have to live like this i hate it i hate it i hate it#ALSO ive been an Adult for like 2 weeks and it's just now hitting me that i am not ready for it#so yeah add that to the tally list#plenty of other things going on in my brain but this is getting long#probably wont post this but maybe i will#gotta get this out of my head but im angry and exhausted and scared out of my mind#hey maybe ill actually use tumblr as a diary and post the aftermath of a breakdown#venting yippee#tw vent#feel free to keep scrolling
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< be me
< check the dhmis tag to see how the fandom is doing
< see a post stating the dhmis pilot that you have been waiting for nearly 6 years for is being shown again at Sundance
< continue scrolling down the tag
< turns out it was a mistake and they were actually showing the dhmis short "creative" at Sundance
>kill me
#Sorry to use the 4/chan format there was no other way I can describe how I'm feeling right now#I haven't been keeping up with dhmis in nearly two years#But this is the fucking pilot we are talking about!! Something I have been eagerly waiting for since 2018!!!#I can't describe how upset and miserable I am right now#You can't just hype up your audience with a trailer of a new project yr working on.#Only to not show the fucking thing!! It's not fair!!!#I understand that Becky and Joe were unhappy with it but so many people including me just want to see it in full!! You can't do this to me#I do believe the whole theory about them not being able to release it bc of legal issues or whatever misty sparkles said#But like it's getting unbearable to deal with. I can't take it anymore#I'm not angry at either becky or Joe. I'm sure it's not their fault#But it hurts#Dhmis#*ramble txt#Delete later
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🤦🏽♀️🙃
#I can’t stop thinking about it#I keep replaying the morning over and over in my head#my friend said she thinks I should write a letter or text tell them#and I’m thinking about it#the more I’m processing it and it’s kinda sinking in#the more angry and offended and hurt I am#idk I know super vague post#and since you guys keep saying you like my crazy dumb Rosie rant posts maybe I’ll do one telling you guys what happened#I’m just still so fucking mad?#and she has NO idea how badly she fucked me up#she’s texting me like nothing happened and I’m like ???? ok sorry but I can’t just move on from this#anyway fun fact and update about me and my life#I’m looking into a php 👌#partial hospitalization program#if you didn’t know what I was talking about#so that’s suuuuper duper fun (hope you can feel my sarcasm)#but at this point in my life I feel like I need it#not gonna get into that right now cause ooofda one thing at a time#but this whole situation reallyyyyy set me back in my progress and healing so thanks buddy 👌👌👌#you are lucky I love your dog so fucking much otherwise I probably would never talk to you again#shut up rosie
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it turns out that I'm not this horrible manipulative person who's angry all the time ive just been told that my entire life whenever I didn't give someone what they wanted.
#more shocking revelations to come as i finally put REAL effort into processing my trauma#my parents love to talk about how awful i was as a kid#how i was manipulative angry and violent and i never thought of anyone but myself#and i genuinely believed that because no one ever told me any different#i believed that i needed to work hard and sacrifice as much as i can for the people i love in order to make up for them enduring me#now that ive surrounded myself with kind and gentle people#im not angry all the time#disagreements are conversations and even if they get a little emotional sometimes we're not fighting#looking back i don't think its a coincidence that those same insults were hurled towards me when i decided to end a friendship#at the time i took it as proof that my parents and my ex were right#i WAS that horrible person and it didn't matter what i did i could never make up for that#it caused me to relapse into self harm after it had been YEARS since id done that#but ive since come to realize that the actual common denominator in all of the situations where ive been called those things#is when i wasn't doing what the person saying them wanted me to#these were words said to hurt me#to get me to either give in and give them what they wanted or punish myself on their behalf#coming to that conclusion has made a world of difference#this shit is still hard and im still carrying these beliefs about myself around with me#but every day it gets easier to put those down and recognize who i REALLY am#and who i really am is pretty great#personal#self harm mention#tw self harm#tw child abuse#self harm#child abuse#child abuse mention#wanted to cover all my bases with tws#though i don't really expect anyone else to actually read all my tags lol
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ok read all of the tags before coming at me
#i just wanted to talk in the tags#but like part of me hates that theres so much positivity for cluster b disorders#no no no hear me out#like i dont have empathy and im better than everybody because of it like i dont give a fuck if im “still a good person”#like no bitch im the best at being the worst and everybody should hate me because im better at being worse than they are#anyways i think i have npd#also all the positivity helps me sometimes like when i feel like im destined to be nothing but a shit person#but rn i am better than everybody else and if you agree with that then im hoing to tell you to gtfo#cuz i have to be the only one who is right in thinking im the best#and if you tell me im not better than everybody that will just fuel my ego because that proves that im right and youre wrong#i should not be allowed in public lmao#usually its not this extreme but like im a little fucked up rn#i keep trying to save people who dont think they need to be saved and it makes me angry as shit#like IK hes 28 and can handle shit himself but i need to fucking save him because he wont help himself damnit#if you want things done right you have to do them yourself#and so ill march my ass all the way ovwr thwre and save him myself#i wanna go tf to bed now#anyways i am on a damn high rn just from my own ego and i love it <3#anyways imma go to bed now#good night queers and peers
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