#i am also slow at graphics making rip

[insurged]

when will you return from war? :(

when i hit grandmaster in mar.vel rivals and no sooner.... no jk... but i am getting there, hehe... i'm around, i'm just remaking graphics and pages for all of my muses (and with no self control, added another muse aka dr strange to the roster which in turn, is more stuff to work on). i'm working on asks that my mutuals have sent in ages ago that i owe (but they're so good i don't want to just discard them) and drafts/replies, starting with the oldest first rip. they will only be published when i feel somewhat caught up. i'm very lowkey right now while i work on things in the background and lurking. uwu

[galactickohipot]

I'm done with Dawntrail's msq! Here are some of my thoughts! The new zones are really cool and varied! It's a pleasure to explore. There are little settlements and villages scattered all around the maps and I LOVE IT! It feels so lived in and credible. It's really nice seeing npcs go about their little lives there. The graphical update really helped in seeing this vision realized and it's so nice to see. I've come to notice more details in previous zones too! Overall the battle content is real nice this expac, mechanics are more engaging than in EW. As a casual sch main (rip smn), I'm happily peeling dps off the ground in expr dungeons. I also liked the vibes and the job quests in Tural; it reminds me of early AST questline, which was a pleasure to go through. As for the rest, unfortunately msq is absolute trash tier. Some people are comparing it to ARR, but that's honestly underselling 2.0 in a lot of ways. Spoilers ahead!

First, I must confess, I am an ARR enjoyer. I love its world building, its slow pace, how lived in and carefully crafted everything is, how rewarding it is to pay attention to lore details, how incredible it is at hinting at something bigger. My favorite expac is HW, and while I haven't found anything quite like it since, I still find the rest of the story at least entertaining. Now, with that said, I didn't set my expectation especially high with this new expansion. It was supposed to be the start of a new saga and so I imagined it would start slow, with what I assumed would be a lot of settup. I was sorely disappointed. Honestly, I don't even mind Wuk Lamat, but the fact she is so present in the adventure makes it hard to ignore how poorly written she ended up being. Her character flaws never have actual consequences, every problem is resolved within one or two cutscenes and none of her victories feel earned. Several times they could have meaningfully challenged her character, but they never went past surface level banalities like "friendship is magic". As a result, she feels like a broken record half of the time. A shame!

What gave me a good laugh was how Krile kept hitting us on the head with her whole "OMG Zoraal Ja is Evil!" everytime she sees this character. It would've been nice yknow... to let us wonder about who he really was, his family ties , and what his intensions truly were. but no, they told us everything from the get go.

The characters say what they mean and mean what they say. The heroes are never wrong, never mislead, always have the purest of intentions. Their beliefs are never challenged. There's no subtext, no wonder, no mystery. So why care at all? All of it is a big fat missed opportunity. DT's characters deserved better.

In recent expacs, I've been annoyed with their tendency to solve issues like unemployment or poverty in a few lines of dialogue. For example, in ARR and HW, you would deal with the symtoms of an issue, like refugees being preyed upon, or people in need being taken advantage of. When done well, you would be given a good overview of the situation, several angles and hopefully, a bit of nuance. In later expacs, you get 16yo Alphinaud telling you if you are poor you should find work lol. The npc's agency is often cast aside so your character can look good, so you can come up with every solutions, so you can be the hero. They don't feel like a people you're trying to help, they are plot devices to facilitate your power fantasy. Writers find ways around complex situations, to reassure the player that no no their way is the best, there was no other choices. It thoroughly reduces the impact of the story imo. I really believe some issues need to stay unsolvable in a story. Not everything can be resolved by killing gods, and that's fine. It's mature, it's humbling.

In Dawntrail however, this has been taken to the extreme! A lot of these problems end up feeling very one note, and the solutions, condescending. One scene and it's dealt with! Concepts, questions or consequences don't really have time to stay with the characters or the player. It feels like characters are written in little boxes, rarely interracting with a rich world and its history, and are conveniently pushed along by little plot devices. As a result, the over-arcing narrative isn't cohesive at all. The only part that worked on me was Cahciua's questline, because we are left somewhat wondering about her or Erenville's feelings for a little while. Otherwise, nothing lingers between questlines, and things really feel badly pieced together. Now, I was really looking forward to the world building in DT! I know past expacs also had cultures based on rl ones, but the focus of the story wasn't tourism then. By drawing attention to it, it becomes apparent that every zone is rushed, reducing the tribes there to one or two easily digestible trait for Wuk Lamat to understand. She'll either solve their problems with a grand monologue about peace and love or pretend she grew from the 2 hours tutorial on "trading for dummies". It's so frustrating! Either they don't trust in their own writing ability or they don't respect the player's intelligence.

Dawntrail is shiny, pretty and colorful, but the moment you scratch the surface, it crumbles down. The plot falls apart if you think about it for more than two seconds. The elements are all there but this feels like a first draft. It's just so inoffensive and bland!!! It is ironic that the dawn of a new saga, the golden legacy of FFXIV, completely forgot how ARR came to be. How painstakingly and carefully the new game was crafted when 1.0 crashed and burned. It's a game about heritage, and yet it didn't take time to properly consider its past strengths. idk man... Time to go back to the drawing boad!

[unseededtoast]

Turtle Doves | Joel Miller

Part Eleven

Chapter Directory

Series Summary: In which two broken souls connect so deeply, that if one should perish, the other would surely die of a broken heart. (slow burn, timeline changes. After TLOU1, before TLOU2, assumed knowledge of infected, uses elements from both show and game)

Series Warnings: Graphic depictions of violence, death, and sexual content.

Also cross-posted on Wattpad and AO3. Link to my masterlist for everything else I’ve posted!

"I don't feel right dragging you into these things. We got lucky the past two times but sooner or later luck runs out."

After walking several miles in the heat, Joel eventually finds a shaded spot for us to take a break. He puts his things down and walks off, leaving me by myself. Without thinking about my actions, I put my bag down and sit, bringing my knees up to my chest. What I should be doing is ripping the map out of my bag and taking note of where the other stars are located, but I can't seem to make my arms move.

A small part of my mind thinks I'm overreacting. At the end of the day, nothing happened to me, they weren't able to fulfill their twisted plans. But I can't seem to shake the ghostly feeling of the man's hands on my hips, the feeling of him trying to get my pants off. My chest can still feel the man on top of me, holding me hostage against the floor. Is this what the children felt before they were murdered? The thought of children experiencing, to a harsher extent, what I just did is an unbearable thought.

Joel walks back to me and wipes his hands on his pants. From my peripheral I can see him look down at me, but he doesn't say anything. Truthfully, there are no words he could say that would break my mind out of this foggy trance. It's almost surreal to think about what could have happened if Joel wasn't there to save me. As the thought dawns on me, I look up to him. I see dried blood on his hands and some splattered on his shirt.

I know I should be thanking him vehemently right now, but it's as if my mouth has been sewn shut. My body has weirdly shut down on me, maybe as some sort of stress response or something. His eyes tear away from me and he puts his bag on his back, probably wanting to keep going. We still have a few more hours of sunlight left and we need to make the most of it. Staying out here in the open at night is not a situation I want to be in. So I force myself up and put my bag back on my shoulders.

Our boots crunch the small pebbles on the pavement as the two of us move forward. Typically, during these bouts of silence my mind is on the killers, but only the recurring images of the men back at the town are found. With each step I try to work through the thoughts, knowing I can't allow myself to be stuck in this state of mind forever.

When I left Boston I knew that people like them were out here. I guess a delusional part of me just never thought I'd actually encounter them. It's obvious to me now that I had been completely ignorant and naive when I decided to go to Omaha. Had Joel not been there with me, I likely would have died in that town. And this trip would have been made in vain.

Instead of dwelling on what could have been, I guess I should be thankful that it ended when it did. Some people don't get as lucky as I did, if luck is really the right word to describe the situation. Those men are dead now, no longer able to prey upon anyone else who stumbles into their town, and for that I am thankful.

Joel and I walk until the sun begins setting and we find ourselves in a less-than-ideal spot. There are really no places to hunker down for the night, no houses or businesses for miles. We're passing through a part of the country that's mainly taken up by forest. By the time we find somewhere to call it a night, the moon is fully up in the sky.

There's a small campground tucked away in some trees, I can make out the silhouettes of campers through the woods. My hearing becomes hyper-aware of the surroundings, listening for any infected, or people, that may be watching us. Snapping twigs and branches are the only sounds I can hear, but that doesn't stop me from being paranoid.

We choose an average-looking camper on the outskirts and make sure it's clear before we take our bags off our backs for the night. It's arguably one of my favorite parts of the day. The camper is a plain beige in color, but alike other buildings, is now adorned with vined plants. There's a small fire pit in front of it, surrounded by run-down chairs, but it's more than enough for me.

Joel lets me in the camper as he goes about trying to find firewood. Out in the middle of nowhere it's probably safe to start a fire. Sure, there's still some risk but it's not nearly as high as it would be near a town. While he goes off to do that, I place my bag on the floor in front of the pull-out bed. There's only one bed in the camper, and I know I'm going to give it to Joel. It's quite literally the very least I can do for him, and I feel guilty for staying silent all day now that I've had time to process what happened in town.

While Joel is gone, I take the time to clean up the bed for him. I strip the old sheets from the mattress and rummage around until I find a clean set up in one of the cupboards. They're a nice airy linen and I know fresh sheets are hard to come by nowadays. I tuck the corners underneath the mattress, put the new pillow cases on, and smooth out the top sheet. As a finishing touch, I fold the top down to make it look nice for him.

Feeling overly cautious tonight, I wait for him to return before I leave the camper. I hear wood clattering to the ground upon his arrival, he must have found some decent pieces. The camper door squeaks as I exit, and he spares me a glance before constructing the fire. I sit in one of the chairs while he lights the wood, watching as it smokes before catching the flame. He takes his bag inside the camper as well, but comes back only seconds later. Taking a seat across from me, we both stare into the fire.

The flames flicker and dance with shades of orange and yellow, giving us warmth for the chilly night. My eyes glance up to Joel, who's staring at the fire with intensity, like he's deep in thought. I know I've put this off for too long, and I clear my throat to finally break the silence. I'm not sure what I want to say, and a simple thank you seems too mundane for what he did for me. I bite the inside of my cheek and decide to just find the words as I go. He looks up to me, waiting for me to spit something out.

"Um, I want to say thank you for what you did back there." I'm unable to keep eye contact with him, my eyes turn down from his.

"Was nothin'." He casually speaks, his voice gruff from not using it all day. My head shakes back and forth, knowing he's lying.

"No, it wasn't nothing. You've saved my life twice now, and what have I done for you? Got us into situations where we both could've been killed." Guilt lays heavy in my stomach and I start to feel ashamed of myself. Finding some shred of courage, I look back up to him.

"Coulda happened to anyone." He reasons, but I know he's only being polite. I'm not sure why he's being so cordial about it, most people would be furious I almost got them killed. Nervously, I lace my fingers together and pick at the skin next to my thumbnail.

"Maybe so, but I don't feel right dragging you into these things. We got lucky the past two times but sooner or later luck runs out. What I'm trying to say is that I'm giving you an out. You don't have to let me tag along anymore, it's okay. I understand." As the words leave my mouth, I feel stinging tears in my eyes. I'm frustrated with myself for risking this man's life, mad at myself for being so useless. Joel's eyes stare into mine, and I can almost swear he can see into my soul.

"If I left behind everyone who I got into a sticky situation with, I'd have nobody." His words are slow and intentional. A nagging thought eats away at me,

"You have a family to get back to, Joel. Those people miss you, they need you. I don't have anyone waiting for me." The truth hurts when I hear it out loud, and it's like someone has stabbed me through the heart as I put my thoughts into the world. Joel shakes his head, disagreeing with what I'm saying.

"What about James?" I almost laugh at his words, but play it off as a cough and rub my nose.

"James? No. He just keeps me around because I bring in the extra ration cards. I think his wife hates me if I'm being honest." I grimace, knowing that James' wife definitely doesn't like me, and only tolerates me because she too benefits from the pill running.

"He cares about you." Joel's words are unusually soft and genuine. I put my restless hands on my knees and shift my weight around in the chair.

"Well, that may be so, but he's not family. I lost mine ten years ago. But you still have yours, you need to get back to them alive. These days family is the most precious thing to have, and I'll never forgive myself if something happens to you because of me." My throat constricts with emotion, and images of my late husband and precious baby pop in my mind. The tears from earlier fall down my cheeks, and I try to wipe them casually so Joel doesn't see.

The conversation seems to die, the crackling fire fills the air. My chest rattles with a jagged breath and I chew on my bottom lip to keep from losing it all. Joel rubs his hands together and opens his mouth, but closes it. A deep frown has settled on his face, but I don't push him for answers. Instead, I focus my attention down to my hands and pick the hangnail I started earlier. The skin is almost peeled off completely until Joel's voice speaks up.

"What are you going to do after Omaha?" He asks, and it's the last thing I figured he'd ask me. My eyebrows raise slightly and I shrug.

"Probably go back to Boston. There's nothing for me anywhere else." He nods his head and looks back into the fire.

"I meant what I said back by Boston, it's still safer if we travel together. I'm not takin' the out." He says as he stares into the flames. My eyes stare at his face intently, trying to figure out why this man is being so forgiving and kind to me. He owes me no loyalty and in fact, I'm the one who owes him. I owe him more than I can ever repay.

"How far do you have to travel after Omaha?" Curiosity gets the best of me, and I'm taking his newly conversational attitude as an invitation to ask my own questions. He puffs out a breath,

"A while. I'm headed out to Wyoming." He says and I can tell he's withholding some information, which is fine. I know he's likely only doing so to protect his family's whereabouts, and after all, I'm still pretty much a stranger to him. I've only known him for a handful of days.

"That's quite a ways. But I'm sure they'll all be happy to see you again." The thought of having a family to return to makes my heart ache with a longing that I know can never be filled. My fingers grasp the gold chain around my neck, and I see Joel's eyes on the necklace, but he doesn't say anything.

What I wouldn't give to be able to hold my baby one more time. I miss his little hands reaching out for me, begging to be picked up. His laugh that used to carry through the house. And I miss Ryan's touch, his cool and confident nature. I miss the way he used to come home with a dozen colored roses, knowing that even though I was a florist, I still loved being gifted flowers. He would always pick "the most beautiful ones for his most beautiful girl" he always told me. They were the lights of my life, and since that fateful night, my heart has been filled with the ash of the extinguished flame.

Before I can stop them, tears run down my face and I can only hope the darkness of night masks them. How can I possibly be okay with following Joel, putting him at risk, when I know what his stakes are? He probably has his own kid waiting for him, his own wife worried if she'll ever see him again or not. I wish I could make him go so that I'm not a liability.

My sniffling nose gives away that I'm crying and I quickly get up from my spot, not wanting to burden Joel with my own issues. I turn away from him and walk into the woods, but not far enough that I lose sight of the fire. Strained sobs come over me, the stress and sadness of the day all coming down on me at once. Maybe I'm just too fragile to be doing this, maybe I simply am just not strong enough.

I slouch against a tree and put my head in my hands, wiping the tears and rubbing my nose. I haven't cried this much since the first year of the outbreak and here I am, faced with adversity and crumbling under the pressure. It's pathetic, and I hate that I'm not resilient enough to handle things better.

Once my tears dry I decide to just stay out here in the tranquil woods for a little longer. While I sit here, I try to prepare myself for Joel going back on his word, saying that he's going to be taking the out after all. Maybe he mulled over my words and realized that I am right, that he needs to get rid of me and get back to his family. I wouldn't blame him in the slightest.

After a while I notice the flame of the fire dying out, and so I force myself to get up and go back, no matter how humiliating it is. My boots stomp down the overgrown vegetation as I return and luckily there's still a small flame going. Joel's leaning up against the camper, his arms crossed over his chest. He hears me walking and looks over.

"I'll stay out here for the night to keep watch. There's um, I saw a pull-out bed in there." My hand gestures towards the camper, insinuating that I want him to take it. His eyes narrow and his head shakes,

"No that's okay, I can take watch." He says and I can't help but feel anger rise in me. I take a breath,

"No, I want you to take it. Please, take it. You saved me from the infected, you saved me from those men back there. It's the least I can do and doesn't even begin to repay what you've done. So please, take it." My voice is strained, and it comes out harsher than I intend it to. I drop my hand back down to my side and return to my seat by the fire pit, the smoke burning my lungs as I deeply breathe it in.

"You don't owe me anything." His words cause me to no longer be able to bite my tongue and all of my pent up emotions pour out,

"Joel, I swear if you fight me on one more damn thing I say I'm going to lose my fucking mind. Please, take the bed. This is something I can actually do for you, so please, let me." My voice is full of finality. I stare at him with wide eyes until he finally moves, and thankfully he doesn't fight me. Instead, he turns and opens the camper door, retreating inside for the night.

With a huff, I turn around in my seat and run a hand over my face before I toss another log onto the fire. I curl up in the seat and hug my knees close to me, resting my chin on my kneecaps.

Tonight my thoughts are occupied with Joel and where we go from here. It's clear that he's not going to leave, he's stubborn as hell about staying true to his word. Deep down I know I'm far too inadequate to be making this trip, but I can't be the reason he never returns to his family. The sadness from earlier morphs into resolve, and I promise myself to be stronger and smarter. For Joel, his family, and for the children I'm seeking to avenge.

The start of this journey shows me that I have to become tougher to survive this. This world is not for the weak, and right now I am weak. My time in Boston gave me the illusion that I was tough because I was able to smuggle pills and stand up to men I know wouldn't have touched me. But out here, I have no guarantees of safety anymore. The QZ is a playground in comparison.

Throughout the night I have to keep getting up and walking around to keep myself awake. The warmth of the fire invites me to fall asleep, but I can't. I promised Joel that I would stay up, and I can't go breaking my promises to him. I'd be lying if I said my eyelids weren't heavy, in fact, I think they weight about twenty pounds each now. At one point, I find myself smacking my cheeks to stay alert. The sounds of owls and crickets in the night doesn't help my cause. I'm stuck in the most picturesque place to sleep but am not allowed to indulge.

After hours and hours of keeping myself awake, I hear the morning birds start singing their songs and the warm glow of the morning sun can be seen. I slouch down in my seat, happy that the morning is finally rolling around. However, my happiness is short lived as I realize we still have to walk all day long.

The door of the camper opens and my head whips around to see Joel walking out, his wavy brown hair tousled from his restful night. He rubs his eyes and yawns as he comes to the fire pit, and I find myself yawning right after him. He's up earlier than I thought he would be, but I'm not complaining, it got lonely out here after a while.

I stretch my legs out in front of me and look over to Joel, who's taken the seat next to me. His face still looks like he's half asleep as he blankly stares at the dying fire in front of us.

"Go on and get some sleep." His deep, raspy morning voice says. A faint blush finds its way on my face at the tone of his voice, but I quickly push the thought from my mind.

"We gotta get going though." I say, yawning again. Joel looks to me with an incredulous look on his face.

"Don't fight me on it, just go do it. I'm gonna scout this place for a car, see if I can't get one of 'em started." He says and runs a hand over his face to wake himself up.

"Well I can help you." I offer and he shakes his head and stares at me with an expression that lets me know he's not thrilled I'm arguing with him already. He sighs,

"And you were tellin' me not to fight you." I look away from him. I know he has a point but I don't want to admit it. I shrug my shoulders, my stubborn nature not letting me cave.

"I'm not fighting, I'm offering help." I rebut. His eyebrow raises,

"I'm not tellin' you again. Go get some rest. If I need you, I'll come get you." He says, voice warming up for the day, the deep rasp disappearing as he speaks.

"What if something happens?" I ask, knowing that bad things can happen in the blink of an eye. My tone must tell him I'm not fighting, but instead am genuinely worried.

"Nothing is going to happen. I'm not going far and I keep an eye on my surroundings." He reassures me, and I know he's telling the truth. Well, about him being cautious anyways. He knows how to survive in this world.

Reluctantly, I get up and accept his offer, the thought of sleeping on a mattress is far too tempting. I open the camper door and enter it, seeing our bags placed side by side. The sheets on the bed are rustled and I smile to myself, happy that I was able to do that for him, and I hope he slept well because of it. Taking a few steps across the camper, I crawl onto the bed and sprawl out, thankful for the mattress. Compared to my mattress at the QZ, this is like sleeping on a cloud.

Rolling onto my side, I grab a handful of the sheets and breathe in the freshness. Joel's scent hits my nose, a mix of smoke from the fire and cotton flannel. It's a warm, comforting smell and I close my eyes to appreciate it.

His smell makes me feel safe, it lets me know that he's here and he's watching out for us. The rugged smell lulls me to sleep, and for once I'm not haunted by the images of the murdered children or the ghostly feeling of the men in the town.

Part Twelve

[its-jaytothemee]

Until I Met You - Chapter 13

Chapter 13: With Friends Like These

Pairings: Halsin x Tav

Word count: 5,136

Rating: Currently M, will be Explicit in later chapters.

Read on AO3

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Summary: The guys and gals split up for the day. While the ladies take care of the duergar problem, the guys have some bonding time around the fire. And there may just be an exciting new addition to their camp. Part 13 of the slow burn fic. Halsin and Tav POVs.

Tags: Slow burn, mutual pining, hurt/comfort, emotional hurt/comfort, fluff, eventual love confessions, eventual smut, angst, implied past rape/non-con and abuse, graphic description of injuries.

A/N: Girls night vs. guys night. More campfire fluff before moving on to more Tav'ahria backstory in the next chapter!! I hope you're all feeling the burn like I am. Thanks for all the kind comments so far! They really do keep me motivated to continue writing <3

See also: Gale and Halsin are massive nerds

Tav and her companions had spent days exploring the Underdark. The winding pathways and lack of light made it difficult to navigate and map out.

Between the deadly arcane tower they explored and the Kua-Toa ritual they stumbled upon, not to mention those damned hooked creatures they kept running into, they were getting a little sick of the dangerous environment down here. A pleasant surprise was finding a peaceful mind flayer among the myconids, even if it did agitate the tadpole. It had taken all of them to hold Lae’zel back from killing Omeluum then and there.

But today, they had finally found and removed the duergar that had been terrorizing the myconid colony. Once Tav and the others snuffed out their ambush, they didn’t put up much of a fight.

“See? We just needed a good ol’ girl’s day out, no boys allowed. Isn’t this nice?” Karlach asked as she ripped her sword out of the chest of one of the bodies.

“I must admit, I was uncertain about this ‘girl’s night’, but this was enjoyable, yes.” Lae’zel rolled her shoulders, stretching her arms after the fight. “Is this a common bonding practice for women in Faerûn?”

“Something like this, yeah.” Tav chuckled as she plucked a few arrows from the corpses strewn about.

“Yes, but did the wolf have to come along?” Shadowheart was still wary of Lunari, even after all their time together.

“Lunari’s a girl too, of course she gets to come! Besides, what better way to get over your fears than to spend time with this sweet pup?” Karlach bent over to coo at the wolf, careful not to touch her though. Lunari’s entire body wiggled in response.

Tav continued going between bodies, looking for any useful materials. Near one of the dead duergar, she found a logbook.

The writing was faded and difficult to read, but she could make out the list of gems and valuable materials that had been mined from a nearby fortress. As she turned the pages, she found more lists. Not gems or valuables. The title of one of the pages read “Stock”, but contained descriptions of…people? 

Deep gnome, female, young, white hair, missing one eye. Serving duty.

Deep gnome, male, bald, timid. Mining duty.

Slaves…

She did a quick scan through the rest of the book, trying to find any detail about their mining operation. On one of the last pages, she saw a symbol that caused her blood to run cold.

A small black hand had been scribbled into the corner.

Tav’s throat felt like it would swell shut. Suddenly aware of how cold the area was around her, she shivered as she fought the tears stinging her eyes. Images of her father and Noravi flashed into her mind. 

A black hand on a gold cufflink.

“Hey, soldier…you alright?” Karlach came up to her side and Tav showed her the book.

“Slavers…” She could only manage one word.

“Gods above, there’s so many listed in here.” The disgust in Karlach’s voice rivaled Tav’s.

Tav pointed to the large boat bobbing in the water next to the dock.

“I’ll bet that’s the way to the ruins the gnome told us about. Probably where these assholes are holed up.”

“Ugh, I don’t know that I’d want to go for a sail across those waters.” Karlach grimaced as she looked over the uncannily still lake.

“Something tells me that’s where we’ll be heading next.” Tav said with a sigh. She saw that multiple bodies on the beach were adorned with the symbol of the Absolute. “Come on, let’s go tell the sovereign that we’ve cleared them out.”

This time they only made one wrong turn on the way back to the myconid colony – a personal best for their group – and luckily nothing dangerous came with that small detour.

The closer they drew to the myconid colony, the louder the eerie melody they used to communicate sang in their minds. Tav made her way to the top of the overlook where Sovereign Spaw resided.

The humming tune radiating from the myconid was a warm welcome, at least as far as she could tell. She conjured an image in her mind to share with it – the duergar lying dead at her feet.

“The duergar are slain; the rot has been purged.” She gave the sovereign a slight bow of her head.

The musical voice that graced her thoughts danced with a newfound hope.

“Freely you have given to us, freely you may take.” An image of parting vines glided into her mind’s eye.

“The guardian gate is open. Go and claim your reward.” It gestured behind her. “But before this, I have another boon to ask of you. You have cut out the blight, but not its source.”

Another vision played vividly in her mind. A drow dressed in Absolute garb, strolling among myconid corpses. Proud and unphased by the carnage surrounding him.

“Nere, this one is called. He hunted us – hunt him in turn. Bring me his head, and I will know my Circle is safe.” The melodic plea had taken on a more aggressive tone.

“Consider it done. I will bring you Nere’s head.” These slavers needed to be dealt with, one way or another.

“The drow lurks in the ruins beyond the lake. Bring him death, and return.” The words slowly faded into the melody floating through the colony.

Tav spun on her heels with a curt nod. She stopped to speak with the gnome she had helped a few days back.

“I wanted you to know that I’ve killed the duergar who were hunting you.” She knelt down next to Thulla.

“I’m almost sorry to hear it, I’d hoped to have the pleasure myself.” She scoffed, causing another wince of pain. Whatever poison had been used was still affecting her.

“Can you tell me who was in charge of the duergar that captured you?” She kept her voice low so the others wouldn’t hear her.

“Just those Absolute nut jobs. Can’t go five seconds without hearing that name over there.”

“Yes, but was there anyone else? Any mentions of slavers outside of the Absolute?” Tav was anxious and her tone reflected it.

“Sorry, no. They were awful tight lipped around us. Only thing I heard besides the Absolute was about sending word to some lord in Baldur’s Gate. They didn’t use a name though.” Thulla shrugged.

Fuck.

Tav took a deep breath in a desperate attempt to maintain her composure. She couldn’t tell the others why this slave ring had her so upset. She wasn’t ready for them to know who she really was.

“Thank you, Thulla. I promise you, we’ll get across the lake and save your friends.” Tav gave her a quick pat on the shoulder before rejoining her companions.

“That’s a big promise, Tav.” Shadowheart stood with her arms crossed.

“We have to go across the lake anyway. Are you telling me you’d rather leave her people enslaved?” Tav folded her arms across her chest to match Shadowheart’s stance.

“Sometimes difficult choices must be made. First and foremost, we need to find a way to Moonrise. I’m simply suggesting that we shouldn’t make promises we aren’t sure we can keep.”

“And based on the Absolute insignias I saw littered on that beach, we’ll be well on our way if we cross that lake.” Tav’s tone rose with her anger. “And believe me when I say I do not make that promise lightly.”

“I reckon we can do both, friends.” Karlach came to stand in between their feud. “Take out some more Absolute cultists which should free the gnomes, then we’ll explore the area to see if we can’t find a way to Moonrise Towers.” Though flames raged from Karlach’s skin, her words helped to cool the rising tempers between Tav and Shadowheart.

“Fine.” Shadowheart turned her nose up at Tav.

Bloody Sharrans.

They decided it would be best to come back to camp and rest before trying to make their way across the lake. No one knew what would be waiting for them, and they didn’t want to push their luck. Plus, they needed a chance to catch the guys up on what they found. For the short walk back to camp, Tav was consumed by the thought of the slavers. Terrified that their source would be revealed, and her past along with it.

***

Halsin, Astarion, Gale, and Wyll sat around the fire in awkward silence. When they were getting ready to leave this morning, Karlach insisted on having a “girls’ day out.” Tav had told him it would be a good way for him to bond with the other guys a bit more too.

Bond…you can bond with new friends, can’t you?

“So, Halsin…” Wyll started. “Is it…fun turning into a bear?”

“Um, yes. I mean, I enjoy it. There’s something comforting about walking through the forest among nature disguised as one of its inhabitants. It makes me feel more of a sense of belonging.”

“Not to mention you could rip a man’s throat out with your teeth, and what could be better than that?” Astarion was throwing his daggers into a small stump next to him repeatedly.

“Not my first choice, but yes, I suppose that is an option.” Halsin snorted as he rubbed Scratch’s belly.

“You know, I consider myself adept at most forms of magic, but druidic craft has always eluded me.” Gale looked up from his book. “How did you find yourself so proficient?”

Halsin hesitated. He wasn’t sure he was ready to explain Thaniel to them yet. Or the hours and hours he spent gathering favor with Silvanus himself.

“Well, after three hundred and fifty years, anyone can become a master of their craft. You’re already a talented wizard, Gale, imagine what you would accomplish if your lifespan increased by a few centuries.”

“That’s a good point. You elves do get an unfair advantage in that regard.”

“Trust me, darling. We pay for it in other ways.” Astarion grumbled from across the fire as he yanked a dagger from the wooden stump again.

That we do.

“Is it painful?” Wyll asked.

“Is what painful?”

“The transformation. I mean, you adopt a completely new anatomy every time you wild shape. Surely that must be at least a little uncomfortable.” Wyll’s eyes shone with curiosity.

“Well, the mechanics of wild shape vary greatly between druids. I wouldn’t want to bore you with the vast library of tiny details that make it up.” Halsin averted his gaze to the ground.

As much as he enjoyed sharing his knowledge of the ways of druids, he found not many actually wanted to listen to his expertise. They wanted grand stories of ferocious fights between beasts or demonstrations of their abilities. No one wanted to hear him ramble about the beauty of balance that could be found in nature. They couldn’t care less about how he described the difference between shifting to a bear compared to shifting into a raven. No one wanted to discuss the intricacies of utilizing magic by manipulating the Weave itself versus drawing on the power of nature around them. Even the druids of the grove would start to nod off when he began long winded speeches about their ways.

“It would be anything but! As I said, this is one area of magic that remains mostly a mystery to me. I’d much appreciate the chance to hear about it firsthand from someone of your skill.” Gale set aside the book he had been reading to give Halsin his full attention.

“That’s quite a broad subject. I don’t even know where to begin…” He fidgeted with his clothing as he racked his brain for something to share.

“Maybe just start by describing how it feels to you.” Wyll suggested. Even Astarion’s eyes flickered toward him for a moment, a quick look of interest betraying his indifferent aura.

“Well, let’s see…” Halsin took a deep breath and concentrated on the last time he had wild shaped into a bear. He closed his eyes as the familiar memory brought a small wave of comfort.

“It’s not painful, per se. There is a brief feeling of discomfort, like a limb stretched too far. It’s an itch that you can’t possibly keep yourself from scratching. And once it’s done, a fresh feeling of relief washes over you as you reveal the new form.

“But just before I look out of new eyes, familiar yet different, there’s a moment where I swear I can feel Silvanus himself standing next to me. It lasts only a fraction of a second, yet it gives me a blissful, but fleeting, feeling of safety. Of peace. There’s a balance and harmony I can only feel when I’m in wild shape. It provides me the opportunity to experience the world around me as nature intended.”

When he opened his teary eyes, Wyll and Gale were leaning forward with their arms resting on their knees. Gale’s eyes were alight with his eagerness for knowledge, Wyll had a wistful smile on his face. Astarion kept himself facing away from them, but he noticed that he had stopped throwing his daggers.

“And?” Gale prodded, his voice an enthusiastic whisper.

“And…whenever I return to this form, I feel a different connection to the Weave around me – as if Silvanus builds it anew with each transformation.”

“Fascinating!” Gale clapped his hands a couple of times. “Spending time in your animal forms actually strengthens your ability to call on the Weave?”

“In a way, yes. Of course, unlike you, I cannot manipulate it directly. That power flows through nature, through Silvanus.” Halsin found himself leaning forward as well to converse with them, his hands gesturing excitedly as he spoke. “But as I said, it’s different for all. Many druids I know only use wild shape when absolutely necessary. Instead, they rely solely on their meditations and work to strengthen their abilities in that manner.”

“Of course! Study habits are always bound to differ. Now, what about…”

He continued fielding questions and theories from Gale for hours. His insatiable desire for knowledge brought a smile to Halsin’s face, as eager to learn as he was to share. Every now and then Wyll would chime in with an inquiry or a joke. Astarion continued to project indifference, but the little twitches in his ears betrayed him as he listened to their conversation.

“Thank you, my friend. This has been most enlightening.” Gale made a few more scribbles into a notebook before turning back to beam at Halsin. “I wonder if I might make one last request?”

“Of course.”

“Would you mind casting a spell for me? Nothing complicated, I’d just like to see if I can feel the difference in the Weave around us as you do it.”

“I suppose I can manage that.” Halsin said with a laugh. “Let’s see here…” He cast a quick and familiar spell that caused a small glowing orb to appear in his hand. With a quick whoosh, the glow materialized into a small goodberry.

“Yes!” Gale let out a delighted yell. “I could feel the same pull on the threads around me as I do when I cast a conjuration spell. Yet when yours came to its fruition, I didn’t feel the familiar plucking of one those threads, more of a low hum that vibrated throughout many.”

“Glad to be of help.” He laughed as he popped the little berry into his mouth.

“Oh Gale, so easily entertained.” Astarion giggled. “Let me know when he conjures up a real feast, rather than one measly berry.”

“Considering your diet, Astarion, I do believe it could be against many magical codes of ethics to do so.” Gale continued scribbling in his notebook.

“Yes, why waste spells for that when you already have a feast right here with the three of us?” Halsin added with a chuckle.

“Hey now, don’t be offering my neck up for dinner.” Wyll laughed along with him.

“No?” Astarion had a slight pout on his lips as he turned to face Wyll. “Perhaps a wrist then?”

As the other three continued their regular banter around him, Halsin had a distant, familiar feeling creep over him. Camaraderie. Friendship. It had been so long since anyone listened to him ramble with such rapt attention. He didn’t realize how he had craved sharing his thoughts on the intricate balance of magic and nature. And to have someone who not only listened, but actively engaged in a discussion? He thought this would be the highlight of his day for sure.

Until of course footsteps pulled their attention away from their discussion of magic and vampiric diets.

Halsin once again found a grin coming across his face as Tav made her way back into the camp, the expression had become a reflex of late. When her tired eyes looked up to find his, he could have sworn they shined just a tad brighter. Not a moment later, a smile broke through her exhausted exterior. Each day he spent in her presence caused the pull in his chest to tug him a little closer to her. Their mornings were spent in one another’s company by the fire or by the glowing pond he had found. The comfort he felt spending time with her kept the darkness in his mind at bay.

It had been so long since anyone was comfortable enough to reach out to him as well. She would always be ready to give him a hug or lean her head on his shoulder, the friendly touches satisfying part of the hunger for companionship he had craved for years.

“Welcome back, my friend.” He stood up to greet her as she reached the fireside and placed one arm around her shoulders, letting his hand rest on the opposite arm from him.

“Thanks, love.” She returned the gesture with a welcoming arm around his waist.

Thanks, love.

It’s how she referred to all of her friends, but something about hearing the word “love” to describe him caused another skipped heartbeat.

“Why don’t any of us get hugs when we get back to camp?” Astarion crossed his arms with one hip cocked out to the side.

“My apologies, would you also like a hug, Astarion?” He removed his arm from Tav’s shoulder and held both out to their cheeky friend.

“Ugh, no. Just making sure you understood the favoritism at play, darling.” Astarion waved him off.

“That’s okay, I’ll take his instead.” Tav’s arm had already made its way back around his back, hugging herself to his side. It could have been his imagination, but he thought she hugged him just a little tighter today.

He chuckled in response, trying to hide the pure delight threatening to take over him. “So, how was your girl’s day?”

“Fucking spectacular!” Karlach bounded up to join the conversation. “We found the duergar, Lae’zel cut a guy in half, discovered an underground slave ring in need of busting, got a new job to kill a drow, Tav found a book about mating rituals, and a shiny icicle thing.”

“…Mating rituals?” Halsin smirked as Tav rolled her eyes.

“Here. The title says ‘Flumph Mating Rituals,’ but it seems…off somehow? I think it might be an illusion, but I can’t seem to dispel it.” She grabbed the dusty book out of her pack.

“Illusion, you say?” Gale popped out from behind Halsin causing him to jump.

“By all means.” He handed the book over to the eager wizard.

Gale made a tutting sound with his tongue as he investigated it. He ran his fingers along the spine and cover before opening it and taking a deep breath to inhale the smell of the book. After thumbing through a few pages, he briefly licked one of them. Tav’s face scrunched up into concerned disgust.

“Ah, yes. It appears to be a simple disguising charm. Just a quick little scatter of the magic here…” He swirled his fingers around the spine of the book and Halsin saw the blue, misty magic float away and dissipate into the air around them.

“Did…did you have to lick it?” Tav’s eyebrows were still furrowed as she took it back from him. She pinched the book between two fingers, letting it dangle in front of her.

Gale shrugged. “It worked, didn’t it?”

“Oh, by the way…” Tav turned to dig a small, shiny piece of twisted metal out of her bag. She juggled it between her hands before giving it to Gale. Even from where he was standing Halsin could feel the icy energy radiating from it. “Found this on another dead drow. Might be your missing piece.”

“Yes! This has to fit with the others we found. Oh, yes, most promising. I do believe I can piece these together to form a new staff. If anyone needs me, I’ll be fiddling with this in my tent.”

“Ew, Gale don’t announce that to everyone.” Karlach stuck her tongue out with a small shake of her head. Tav let out a loud cackle, almost dropping the book.

“What? That’s not…I…argh, I’m surrounded by children. As I said, I’ll be in my tent.” Gale grumbled as he stormed off to his tent with a huff.

“Best not to interrupt a wizard when he fiddles with his staff.” Halsin smirked. Before he could be embarrassed by his joke, Tav and Karlach burst into a fit of laughter. The sight brought another warm feeling to his chest.

“Where’s this funny bear been the whole time?” Karlach wiped stray tears from her eyes as she regained her composure.

“He’s always been funny, just too shy about it.” Tav nudged him in the arm as she started reading through the revealed pages.

She thinks I’m funny?

“Huh, another mention of the adamantine forge. This journal confirms that it was Sharran in design.” As she continued skimming, Halsin caught a few diagrams among the words.

“Isn’t that what that petrified drow was rambling about the first time we were down here?” Shadowheart had wandered closer to their conversation.

“Not just the location, this journal is detailing how to actually operate the forge.” Tav’s eyes flitted back and forth rapidly as she scanned the page. “It mentions a guardian as well.”

“I heard rumors long ago that adamantine was among the finest metal to craft weapons and armor.” Halsin held his hands out to request the book. “I am surprised to learn that a forge of this magnitude would reside in a Sharran fortress.”

“We should seek it out when we cross the lake. If this journal is to be believed, we could craft some rather useful equipment, no?”

Halsin bristled at Shadowheart’s suggestion. No matter how useful the armor, he couldn’t think of a scenario where he would be tempted to utilize Sharran technology. Or maybe he was simply disagreeing with her for disagreements sake.

“I suppose it couldn’t hurt. We’re not exactly in the position to turn down the help.” Tav’s words were polite, but her clenched jaw told a different story. He slammed the book closed with a little more force than necessary.

“Let’s gather everyone around. We have a lot to discuss from today.” Tav began pulling at the straps on her armor as she stalked off toward her tent. Halsin briefly considered offering to help with them but figured it would be best to avoid that temptation today.

Once everyone had changed into more comfortable attire, they gathered around the fire for their meal as Tav filled them in on their excursion of the day.

“So based on what we found on the duergar, and the request from Spaw, our next step is taking that boat across the lake.” Tav was fidgeting with the small wooden fork she had used for her dinner as she spoke. Halsin could just barely perceive a nervous edge to her voice. Whether it was nerves about the journey across the lake or something else, he could not say.

“It sounds like this could be the fortress I’ve been looking for, the one that will lead us to Moonrise.” Halsin couldn’t contain his eagerness. This was it; he was sure of it.

“Yes. Yes, I think you may be right.” Tav gave him a light smile.

Something’s wrong…

“There’s something else…” She trailed off for a moment. “The cultists there have gnome slaves that were captured nearby. We need to make sure they’re released as well.”

“It wouldn’t do to let them stay in such a state,” Wyll spoke up immediately. “Do you know where they’re being held?”

“Not yet. I have a feeling if we find the drow, we’ll find the slaves.” She started tugging at the end of her braid.

“Then I’m sure we can take the opportunity to kill two birds with one stone, if you will,” Gale chimed in next. “If we remove the cultists, it should be easy enough to get the slaves out of there as well.”

He expected Tav to relax with Gale’s suggestion. Instead, her nostrils flared and her breathing quickened.

“Yes, it will be plenty easy to free the gnomes once we’ve killed every slaver in sight.” Tav’s bitter threat startled Halsin, the disdain dripping from her voice was a terrifying contrast to the woman he had gotten to know over the past week or so.

By the looks on everyone else’s faces, he wasn’t the only one in shock from her change in demeanor.

However, the brief lull in the conversation allowed a few timid hoots to be heard from the edge of camp. As the small beaked face peeked around the foliage, Halsin couldn’t help the eager gasp that escaped his lips. In his excitement, his hand shot over to grab Tav’s leg.

“Cub.” He could only manage to whisper the one word.

The poor thing limped along as it favored a bloodied paw.

As soon as her eyes caught the cub, her vengeful aura dropped. Tav crouched down low and took a couple of slow steps toward the owlbear, stopping to kneel on one knee a few feet away from it.

“Blood…hurts…” It kept its wary eyes darting between Tav and the others.

“Oh, you’re hurt? Let me see.” She stretched her hand out and waited for the cub to come to her.

“Look. Cut.” It…he…held his paw out for her to examine. From where he was standing, the small gash didn’t look too deep.

Halsin could hear the others stirring behind him, but he waved his hand behind his back to keep them in place.

We’re not scaring it off again.

“Hold still, I’ll clean it up and make it better.” Tav spoke in a soft tone as she took his paw in her hands, healing the wound with ease. Another wave of affection slammed into his chest watching her.

“There we go, good as new.” She let the paw drop to the ground as the cub took a few tentative steps to test his weight.

“Good. No hurt.” He gave a happy wiggle of his head.

“How did this happen?” She was inspecting the cub for any other injuries he may have suffered.

“Teeth. Claws. Bigger.” Halsin stifled a thrilled chuckle as the cub stood up on its hind legs in an attempted display of power.

Remarkable how he’s interacting with her.

“Why would you fight something bigger than you?” Tav’s tone had shifted to a loving scold.

“Strong. Fight! Win!” He bowed down into more of a crouch.

Trying to show her he’s able to fight.

“Well, maybe for now stick to fights with creatures more your own size. Or maybe even a tad smaller.” Tav stood up as the cub tilted his head side to side.

“Too big? Wait…Strong! Show you!” He started bouncing excitedly around her legs, playful nips aimed at her feet. Tav laughed as he ran around her in circles and his happy chirps filled the air around them.

“I love him. So. Much!” Karlach squealed from behind them. The cub didn’t seem phased by the sudden outburst this time as he was still rather concentrated on trying to unlace Tav’s shoes with his beak.

“You do realize these things grow, do you not? Teeth and talons first.” Gale called from his seat.

“Then maybe he’ll be a good guard for the camp.” Tav knelt back down to rub the cub’s ears.

“Ooh. More.” He leaned into her touch and closed his eyes.

“Well done. He seems to trust you.” Halsin came to sit next to Tav and their new feathered friend.

“He needs a name.” She scratched under the cub’s chin as he started to aim its nose up in the air, taking in the smells of the camp.

“How about…Sniff?”

“Sniff?” Tav whipped her head around with a smile.

“I mean look at his little beak go. Besides, I think Scratch and Sniff has a nice flow to it, don’t you?” Halsin felt a sudden stab of embarrassment at the suggestion. He wasn’t sure if he had earned the right to name a new addition to this group. But when he looked back up, Tav was still smiling at him.

“I do. Sniff it is.”

“Sniff? Sniff. Sniff. Sniff!” The cub jumped around as he chanted his new name, causing another laugh from Tav.

“Ugh we need to get this engine fixed. I am dying to pet this little guy.” Karlach looked to be in physical pain at keeping her hands tight at her side.

As he sat and considered his surroundings, the cub wandered over to sit in his lap. He had tracked him and the mother for weeks; at the time he was thankful to even get a glimpse of them. Now, he had the cub sitting here with him. Something that never would have happened were he still stuck with his Archdruid title, confined to the politics of the grove.

“Thank you, Tav,” Halsin whispered.

“Whatever for?” She plopped down on the ground next to him.

“For this.” He gestured broadly around their camp. “For allowing me to share in your company. For rescuing me from the goblins, for finally giving me an excuse to leave the confines of the grove.”

“It was hardly a difficult choice to make. I’m glad to have you here.” She reached over to pet Sniff’s ears again.

It was everything.

“And I’m happy to be here. Now, I believe you all will be needing your rest before your journey tomorrow.” He would have stood up with Tav, but his new feathered friend kept him pinned to the ground. She grabbed one of his shoulders to help herself off the ground, giving it a soft squeeze.

“Goodnight, Halsin.”

Was that the faintest brush of her fingers running across his neck as she walked away?

[dlea203]

5 years - Hannix AU

A/N: Hi there! Yes, in case you wondered, this story is still very much alive😅. There has so much been going on since I last updated the latest chapter and right now, I can feel that a new spiral is coming up... Anyway, here is the long awaited chapter 6. I hope you like it and that you're still in for the ride🥰.

ALSO: Should I make a taglist? Let me know (via ask, direct message, or in a comment, whatever you want☺️.)

Taglist: @sweetwhispersofchaos

Warnings: tiny bit suggestive language, non-graphic descriptions of injuries, lots of family fluff and the usual amount of angst (sorry, I can't help it😬)

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Chapter Six

5 years ago, somewhere in the Afghan desert…

Sand.  Sand as far as the eye could see. That was the first thing he realized. Jake lifted his head almost like in slow motion, brushing sand off his lips and eyes in the process. He felt like he’d been hit by a truck; his rips hurt like a bitch, his right wrist was probably sprained, and his flight suit felt like a sauna. 

Where am I?

That was the next thought coursing through his pounding head. He blinked against the bright sun, finally in an upright position. He looked down to check himself for more injuries, for ones he may have missed. His ankle was swollen, and the pain seemed to set in right when he looked at it. But otherwise, nothing obvious – good news for now. His parachute was still attached to him, making him feel like he had a bag of stones strapped to his back. A little clumsily, due to his sprained wrist, he tried to detach the clasps of the parachute. He coughed, grimacing at the feeling of his dry throat. 

“Shit, come on!”, he cursed and yanked on the handles, finally getting the parachute off him.

Slowly, he got to his feet and looked around, taking in his surroundings more properly.

Nothing. Nothing but sand and a few rocks in the distance. Turning to his left, he saw a thick column of smoke rising to the sky. Underneath it, his jet was on fire. Surely, the tanks had exploded when it had hit the ground. 

I could be in there, Jake thought and sent a silent prayer towards heaven that his ejection system had worked.

He squinted against the bright sun and his gaze fell back on the rocks in the distance. He needed to get out of the sun, or else he’d get a sunstroke. Going for the rocks was the best decision at the moment, because he couldn’t stay here. Even if the Navy already sent out a rescue team, it would be too unsafe to stay near the burning jet. He had no idea whether there were enemies close by and he couldn’t risk getting captured. So, he started to walk. Or rather, he limped, away from the wreck that was his jet. 

Great, a sprained wrist and a sprained ankle, Jake thought to himself, this is gonna be a long day…

*-*

Children. The joyful squeals of children dragged him closer and closer to the edge of a village. He saw houses made of clay and stones, with roofs made of thatch. A few children were playing in front of the village, kicking a ball around. Boys and girls, between 8 and 13 years old. Jake felt elated. Maybe he wasn’t in a totally hopeless position after all.

The children froze when they saw him approaching. A boy shouted something, probably in Afghan, because Jake didn’t understand a word. To show that he wasn’t dangerous and didn’t intend to harm the children, he slowed down and held his hands up next to his head.

“I won’t hurt you”, he clarified, coming to a stop when that boy raised one of his hands to signal him to stop.

“Please, I need help”, Jake tried again, all the while knowing that those children wouldn’t understand him.

The young boy stepped a little closer, eyeing him up and down, furrowing his brows. Then, he looked over his shoulder and said something to his friends before running away. The others followed him.

“No, please! I need help! Please!”, Jake pleaded, but he figured running after them would scare them even more.

He wouldn’t even be able to if he wanted, his ankle was starting to kill him. He fell to his knees to take his weight off his injured foot, and leaned forward, coughing heavily. His throat burned, he needed water and his wrist hurt more with each passing second, not to mention his rips. His thoughts ran a mile per second. For a brief moment, he wondered whether these were his last minutes on earth. Most likely the children went to get their parents, who in turn would realize pretty quickly that Jake was an American soldier. They’d kill him or take him hostage. In either case, his death was guaranteed with a certainty he despised. He would never get to return home.

Closing his eyes, his mind travelled across sea and land, twelve and a half time zones west-wards to a white house with a light-yellow front door. He saw her, standing in the kitchen with her back to him, stowing away the groceries they’d just picked up at the store. She hummed her favorite song to herself, swaying her hips gently to its rhythm, even making a pirouette before putting away the milk cans in the fridge. He watched her silently from the hallway, a dreamy smile on his lips. About halfway through, she turned her head to the living room, to the bassinet in front of the large windows. Soft cries and wails sounded over into the kitchen and pierced straight into her mother-heart. She left the groceries where they were, whisked over to the bassinet with just a few steps and picked up the source of her concerns. She cooed with a soft voice, gently rocking the baby in her arms, humming the favorite melody of her daughter.

“Shhh, little girl, don’t cry. Mommy’s here… and I’m always going to be here… shhh…shhh…”

The cries faded away and soon the only sound was her humming the melody. A feeling of safety and calmness rushed through his veins, and he tried to imprint this picture into his mind. His two girls, bathed in the glow of the Californian afternoon sun, looking back at him. A picture of his whole world.

If he were to die now, then at least the last he saw were them. His mind calmed down a little.

Footsteps.

His death approached him quicker than he liked. But he’d already jumped from the brink of death once today, now he had exhausted his luck. Jake sent a last prayer heavenwards, before he raised his head. He wanted to go out of this world with his head held high.

But there weren’t adults approaching him. Instead, the young boy from before returned, with an elder one next to him. Probably his older brother from the way the younger one dragged the elder one by his hand. The young boy pointed at Jake, saying something in Afghan to his brother. The elder one nodded, whispered something into his brother’s ear and pushed him into the direction of the village.

“Please, I need help”, Jake pleaded, raising his hands again.

The boy sat down on one of the rocks a few feet away from Jake and just looked at him, crossing his arms over his chest. Jake understood. He was there to keep watch. Fate had only granted him a few more minutes. He coughed again, grabbing his throat as if that did anything to soothe the ache. The boy just watched him, unmoving.

A few minutes later, there were footsteps again.

Jake closed his eyes, took a deep breath and waited for the source of the sound to round the corner. When he opened his eyes again, there was a group of men and women staring at him. 

“I need help”, Jake tried, but he saw the confusion on their faces immediately.

One man cautiously stepped forward, eyeing him up and down.

“Help? You need help?”

He had a heavy accent, but he seemed to understand and speak English. At least a tiny bit. Jake was willing to take anything at this point. If only he still got the chance to go home.

“Yes, please! Can you help me?”

“You American?”, the man asked, pointing at Jake’s uniform.

“Yes, I’m American. But I won’t hurt you. I’m not dangerous. I just need help”, Jake pleaded and showed him the wrist he was cradling.

The man turned around and instructed his friends. Two of them came over to Jake and grabbed his arms roughly. He winced and the men loosened their grips a bit.

“We help you”, the man from before said to Jake while walking next to him, “but you not hurt us, okay?”

“I won’t, I swear. Thank you so much.”

*-*

They took him into one of the houses, sitting him onto a chair. Three women brought in bowls of water, linen cloths, some jars, and other supplies. The two men who brought him in stayed by the door, keeping watch. The English-speaking man stood in the corner of the room, with his arms crossed over his chest. One woman stepped up to Jake, took his wrist out of his grasp and inspected it. When she tried turning it, Jake yelped and yanked his hand away. The woman furrowed her brows and tried taking his wrist back, but Jake refused. She seemed to scold him for it, but Jake didn’t understand a word and kept staring at her.

“She wants you to give your hand”, the man translated, and Jake behaved.

The woman inspected Jake’s wrist once more, and much to his relief, she was a bit more careful this time. Then she shouted over to the other two women, instructing them on how to help her. Turning back to Jake, she started talking to him. He just shook his head, signaling that he didn’t understand her.

“She asks for your name and says that you shouldn’t worry.”

Jake nodded, smiling friendly at the woman.

“Jake”, he said, holding out his left hand.

She chuckled and shook his hand.

“Amira.”

She then pointed at the man leaning on the right side of the door frame and asked the English-speaking man a question. He answered her in a hushed tone.

“Jahan, my husband”, she repeated after him, still pointing at the man at the door.

Jake nodded and waved at the man introduced as Jahan. Amira beamed at him, realizing that Jake had understood her. She pointed at the man in the corner next.

“Isaad.”

Jake smiled and nodded. It was nice, being able to put names to the faces of the people who had helped him out of his misery. It made him feel less anxious and a little more comfortable. He was starting to gain trust.

*-*

Amira and her two friends treated his wounds as good as they could. They built a wrist brace out of two wooden sticks and two linen cloths, pulling them as tight as possible. Same for his injured foot. His cuts and bruises were cleaned and bandaged if needed. After making him drink a glass of water to slowly get him hydrated again, Jahan and Isaad supported him beneath his shoulders and walked out of the house to a different one down the sandy gravel road. Amira hurried past them to open the door and pull out a chair at the small kitchen table, helping the men settle Jake into the new chair. Amira rushed around the house, throwing clothes and various things into different corners of the rooms while simultaneously shouting around. From her facial expressions and the sound of her voice, Jake guessed that she was swearing. Isaad grinned sheepishly, while Jahan stared at the floor, embarrassed.

“Amira is angry because it’s messy here”, Isaad translated, “and she not like messy when guests are here.”

Jake smiled at her when she dashed past him, carefully touching her arm to calm her down.

“It’s okay, Amira.”

The corners of her lips curled up into a smile, before she walked over to the small oven and placed a pot on top. Amira barked out a few more orders before focusing on her task in the kitchen. Isaad waved goodbye and left the house hastily, while Jahan sat down next to Jake, studying him closely. For a few minutes, the only sounds in the house were the ones coming from Amira’s kitchen, the two men sitting in complete silence. Jake stared at his left hand in his lap, avoiding eye contact with Jahan as good as possible. He would never admit it, but he was slightly afraid of the other man, who had some sort of a piercing stare.

But the silence was cut through by squeals of a child and the beautiful deep belly laugh of three others. Four kids dashed into the house, abruptly halting when their eyes fell on the scene inside. Jake recognized the tallest of them immediately. It was the boy who’d kept watch until the grown-ups had been notified by the kids. And when he looked at the other kids, he found a familiar face in the younger boy too. He was the one who’d tried to talk to Jake. The two girls were strangers to Jake though.

Amira had turned around in the meantime and walked over to the kids. She talked to them in Afghan, ruffling the boys’ hair and straightening the tunics of the girls. Then she looked at Jake, grabbing the shoulders of the tall boy.

“Lianh”, she introduced, patting his shoulders.

But before she could move onto the next kid, the elder of the two girls had already stepped forward, reaching her hand out to Jake and smiling friendly.

“Zahra”, she said, shaking Jake’s hand firmly.

“Edris”, Amira continued, pushing the younger boy forward and making him shake Jake’s hand too.

“And Ava.”

The smallest of the kids, the little girl, was shier than the others, as she tried to hide behind her mother’s legs. Amira chuckled and scooped her up instead, brushing a few stray locks out of her face. Jake smiled at each of them again, placing his left hand on his chest.

“Jake”, he introduced himself.

The kids nodded, and even the faces of the boys were softening now. Jake felt like a massive weight had been lifted off his shoulders. This family seemed nice. He felt safe and welcomed, which was a strange feeling to have in a country where the US military was seen as the enemy. But the people in this village didn’t seem to have too much of a problem with him being here. He couldn’t tell for sure, but he figured that, if asked, they would take the side of the American and Afghan military in a heartbeat. He let himself sink further into the chair, watching the kids and Amira swirl around the kitchen and house. His mind slowly calmed down. And when he met Jahan’s gaze, and the other man smiled tight lipped at him for a brief second, Jake knew for sure that this situation would eventually work out in his favor.

*-*

“Hey Nat, you still with me?”

Shannon gently bumped her shoulder, laughing when Natasha jerked her head away from watching the children, Jake and Penny slowly completing the sandcastle. Natasha looked like a deer caught in headlights, causing Shannon to laugh even more. It was a rare sight, seeing Natasha lose her cool.

“Sorry. You were saying?”

“How was the first night with him back?”, Shannon repeated her question, studying Natasha’s face closely.

Although she did her very best to fight it, a blush spread out across Natasha’s face and a tiny smile crept onto her lips.

“Good… Very good.”

Shannon picked up on it immediately. She sat up more properly, analyzing Natasha’s dreamy gaze and smile.

“Did you–“, she started, but gracefully stopped when Natasha glared at her, nervously checking if Payback and Maverick had heard anything.

Instead, Shannon chuckled and smirked.

“I see… still as good as back in the day, I assume?”

Natasha smacked Shannon’s thigh gently and snorted.

“No comment.”

“I’ll take that as a yes. Well, he certainly still looks as good as back then, so–“

“I swear to God, Shannon, stop. There are children around.”

“Alright”, Shannon gave up, laughing and held her hands up in defeat, “we’ll save that conversation for a girls’ night.”

Natasha shook her head, her gaze already back on the sandcastle building crew. She just couldn’t stop looking at him. Most likely out of fear. As if she woke up any second from this dream and he’d vanished. Highly unlikely, but her mind hasn’t really caught up with what had happened since yesterday noon. 

Down the beach, they currently added the last fit of towers to the main part of the castle. Jake and Penny were patiently explaining to the younger kids that they needed to be cautious in order not to destroy the finished parts. The kids hung on their lips as if they were telling them the biggest secret of the universe. Lynn refused to let go of Jake, either holding his hand or sitting on his upper thighs while he pointed at various places of the castle, making her laugh with his explanations. As if he had been there the whole time…

“But seriously… how’s it been, having him all to yourself? Being a family again? Or rather, finally being one?”

“Huh, Penny asked me the exact same question…”

“She did? Well, what did you say to her?”

“It’s great”, Natasha answered, turning her head properly to Shannon for the first time.

“Yeah?”

“Yes. I mean, I don’t know yet how he’s been feeling since yesterday, but I’ve been nothing but happy for the last 24 hours. And Lynn too.”

“I can see that. You’re glowing”, Shannon remarked, a sheepish smile on her face.

Natasha rolled her eyes, but she couldn’t stop that dreamy smile from before from creeping onto her lips again. Shannon grabbed her hand and squeezed it gently, making her look at her again.

“You don’t have the slightest idea how happy for you I am that he’s back. I’ve been praying every Sunday for the last five years that he’s still alive and comes back one day. I’m so glad that my prayers came true.”

Natasha nodded, feeling a few tears well up in the corners of her eyes. 

We have lost him too.

For the first few months, she hadn’t been able to understand why exactly Emma had said that to her on the first “anniversary” of his death. She hadn’t been able to properly understand that her friends were grieving too. That they weren’t just understanding, but that they knew exactly how she felt. Well, maybe not 100% exactly, but pretty close to that. Of course, he was her husband, the father of her child. She loved him more than anything in the entire world. But their friends loved him too. Each one of them had their own memories with him, from then on the only thing left of him. 

“I won’t ever be able to thank our fate enough for this second chance. My head hasn’t caught up yet with what happened yesterday and I’m not sure if that’ll happen anytime soon. I’m so afraid that this is a very lively fever dream that I could wake up from any moment and he’s gone…”

Her breath hitched for a second as her emotions threatened to overwhelm her. She looked at Shannon, a single tear escaping down her cheek.

“I can’t lose him a second time, Shannon”, Natasha whispered, thankful that her friend hadn’t yet let go of her hand.

She needed the physical contact to ground herself and to get her emotions back under control.

“Then make sure you don’t! And let’s pray to God that you won’t”, Shannon answered, carefully brushing Nat’s tear away with her thumb and wrapping her in a hug.

They sat in silence, wrapped in each other’s arms until Payback cleared his throat, him and Maverick shooting them worried looks.

“You good?”

Shannon nodded, before (almost) jumping to her feet and reaching her hands out to Natasha to pull her up.

“We’re gonna take a quick walk and then I’m up for a little swim. You going to join me?”

Payback smirked and nodded, before getting up too and walking over to help Jake and Penny keep the kids in line. Maverick just shook his head in amusement, before lying on his back and getting comfortable to take a quick nap. Shannon and Natasha took off down the beach.

*-*

They stayed at the beach until way into the afternoon. It was actually early evening, when the Seresin’s (finally) returned home. Jake dropped the bags full of sandy towels and wet swim gear near the door, while Natasha carried a sleeping Lynn right up the stairs to the bathroom. He proceeded to lock the car and shake the sand off his flip flops on the front porch. Casting one last look over the driveway, almost in an analytic manner, Jake closed the door. He’s come to realize this habit of a long time ago. And since joining the military, but especially since Afghanistan, it was even harder to get rid of. 

Natasha gently shook Lynn awake by brushing her air-dry locks out of her face and humming Lynn’s name.

“Wake up, sweetheart”, she cooed softly, smiling when Lynn slowly opened her eyes.

“Mommy?”

“Yes, I’m here. You can go to sleep soon, but first we gotta get you in the shower to wash the salty water and sand off your skin.”

Lynn nodded sleepily, barely able to keep her head up.

“We’re gonna be real quick about this, I promise”, Natasha said, already letting the water run in the shower to get the temperature right.

Lynn tried to take her bathing suit off by herself, like the big girl she already was, but her arms got stuck and her exhaustion fueled her frustration even further. Natasha was quick to help her though. In no time at all, Lynn was in the shower, washing her body with her favorite shower gel and scrubbing the sand off her skin. She seemed to have regained some energy, as she was humming her favorite melody while dutifully doing her task. Natasha used the time to get her make up and the sunscreen off her face, listening to her daughter with a smile on her face. 

“You done, baby?”, Natasha checked when the water suddenly shut off.

“Yes. Where’s the towel?”

“I’ve got it. There’s a step, be careful.”

Lynn cautiously stepped out of the shower, letting herself fall into Natasha’s towel-clad arms with a giggle. Natasha chuckled too, gently drying Lynn’s skin and inhaling the rosy scent of her shower gel. When her body was dry, Natasha wrapped the towel around Lynn’s head and helped her put on her plushy bath robe. Scooping her up, she carried her giggling daughter into her room, dressing her in one of her favorite summers-pj’s. After a little fuss from Lynn, Natasha sat her down on the bed and blow-dried her hair, gently combing through the blonde locks with her fingers.

“There you go, freshly showered and dressed. How do you feel?”

“Good. But I’m hungry”, Lynn grumbled when Natasha fluffed up her pillow, carefully placing her stuffed sheep on top.

“I know, me too. I bet Daddy’s already working his magic in the kitchen. Shall we go see?”

Lynn nodded frantically, immediately taking off for the stairs. 

“I’ll be down in a minute!”, she shouted after her daughter, but she doubted that Lynn still had ears for her. 

Natasha turned the corner to her room, changed into some sweatpants, a comfortable shirt and brushed the sand out of her hair. She’d have to wash it later to get everything out, but that’ll do it for now. Carefully, she slipped her wedding band and engagement ring back onto her finger. Usually, she never took them off, except she was headed for the beach. Beside her fear of having them stolen, she was even more afraid she’d lose them in the water. And she wasn’t sure whether her rings would get damaged by the salty water, which was a risk she’d rather not take. They meant too much to her for that.

Throwing her sundress into the hamper in the corner, she left the room and headed straight for the kitchen.

*-*

Dinner was a short affair, since all of them were exhausted and barely able to stay awake. Natasha stashed the dishes in the dishwasher while Jake carried Lynn upstairs. After wrapping up the tasks downstairs, she shut off all the lights and walked up to Lynn’s room, enjoying the view she had from the doorway. 

Jake tucked the blanket under Lynn’s chin, feather-lightly drawing patterns on her face to lull her to sleep. Her eyelids grew heavy and soon, she was off to dream land, her breathing evening out. Jake just watched her, unmoving. When he was sure she was asleep, he shut off the light on her nightstand and softly kissed her on her forehead.

“Goodnight, princess”, he whispered into the darkness.

Natasha smiled at him when he walked up to the door and handed him the night light to plug it in before closing the door. 

“Let’s go take a shower”, she said, tugging on his hand.

“Together?”, he asked, fighting a smirk.

“Mhmm”, she hummed in response, softly closing the door behind him.

They undressed each other slowly, enjoying the process as they weren’t in a rush. When Natasha reached for the hem of his shirt, he stopped her hands momentarily. She met his gaze, her eyes silently asking “why”. He never broke their eye contact while removing his shirt by himself, dropping it onto the pile of clothes on the floor.

“There’s something I need to show you”, he whispered, not really trusting his voice.

Taking a deep breath, he cautiously turned around, his back facing her. Seeing his back, and therefore his scars, properly for the first time, she gasped. His shoulders tensed slightly at her reaction, his hands clenching into fists.

“Not pretty, I know”, he said, shame and a little anger coloring his voice.

Natasha reached out, feather-lightly tracing the longest one on his left shoulder blade. Her gaze jumped from one onto the next, not really knowing where to look first. There were so many. Like on a map, she brushed her index finger over the scars, wondering where each one had come from.

“Jake”, she breathed out.

He turned back around, already reaching for his shirt again, but she stopped him. Removing their last articles of clothing, she dragged him into the shower with her. Wrapping her arms around his neck, they stood under the spray of water for several minutes in complete silence. Natasha grabbed her shower gel, poured some into her hand and turned him around again, slowly applying it to his back. Her hands moved circular over his back, massaging it into his skin. His shoulders lost some of the tension the events of the day had caused, his head hanging down.

“Will you tell me where these came from?”

Natasha had to gather a lot of courage to ask the question, but she figured cutting straight to the point was the best option. Jake turned his head to look over his shoulder.

“Yeah, sure. Do you mind if it’s not happening tonight?”

“Fine with me. As long as you promise to tell me.”

“I promise.”

She washed the soap off his back, just as gentle as she applied it. Then they switched places. He gently worked her shampoo into her hair, massaging her scalp in the process. Leaning back against his chest, she closed her eyes and reveled in the moment. How many times has she stood in this shower over the past five years, wishing he stood behind her like now? She had lost count after the first few months. 

“I love you”, Jake whispered against her temple when the shampoo was washed out of her hair.

“I love you”, she whispered back, wrapping his arms around her.She’d refused to believe it when her mother used to tell her that the arms of a person you love with all your heart feel like a safe haven. She’d brushed it off as a cliché born out of romance novels. But life, as it usually does, proved her wrong.

[sunbeamstress]

i jumped on the Walking Dead train really late, but i got to finish the show with the fans and i thought it was excellent. it also marks the second or third time i've binged a piece of acclaimed media that became noteworthy for fucking over its fans - the last time was when i beat the mass effect trilogy, a decade late. i thought that was excellent too.

of course it's a lot easier when the game you're playing already has the patched-in ending option and all its DLC, and walking dead was definitely easier to get through since when season 5 ended, i could go right into season 6 without The Cliffhanger

it's clear that the show i watched wasn't the show that AMC presented. scrubbed of its social media gaffes and godawful pacing, it was honestly a thrill ride. it takes a little time to stumble its way through the first two seasons, and the third is definitely more of a slow burn of dread, but if you can punch your way through those you're rewarded with a tense thriller that rarely wastes its time - every scene demands your attention and reveals something new. the moment my life settles down again i want to binge-watch it all over again with a friend.

in my early/mid twenties, i'd fallen in love with an artsy little tech-fetishist webcomic about a few kids struggling to avert the end of the world. you might have heard of it, it was called Homestuck. it would go on to balloon into a very different sort of work from the one it began (i miss the Amiga graphics and quotes from poets/novelists), but also it was the first time i looked around to realize i was in the middle of a fandom. and in those days it wasn't a lovely sight.

my problem was i hadn't been inoculated against this sort of thing yet. from the moment i discovered the MSPA forums, it was impossible for me to experience homestuck without also crossing over to get a life feed of how the fans were enjoying it, and that was uhh, complicated. i have a lot i could say about Andrew Hussie as a creator and maybe one day he'll get his very own rambling not-quite-essay from me, but i maintain that i didn't get to enjoy Homestuck the way it deserved because i am the sort of person whose opinions can be influenced by others. you are too, don't judge.

i hold fast to my conviction that the best way to enjoy something is to enjoy it pure and alone, or with at most perhaps two friends whose tastes you can trust. all too often i've seen people try to make it through the walking dead, or better call saul, or mass effect, or homestuck, or anything, while tapped into the overwhelming torrent of fandom opinion.

it actually makes things worse.

as the internet is fond of saying: the walking dead was a hell of a lot better without a bitch in my ear telling me it sucked.

there's a lot to say about how they reused the same ol' same ol' plot: zombos force the crew to move, they get settled in, then they solve some zombo-related problems until the newest batch of Desperate And/Or Corrupt And/Or Treacherous Humans comes to prove that actually we were the monsters all along

except it's fucking dope? they bare-knuckle brawl a shitload of walkers in a prison and take it over? and then they fight a war with the neighboring town??

Terminus, to me, is a singular point in the show that stands out in my mind. it was the moment i was like "oh shit. i think actually like this show." nevermind the way they began cranking up the horror factor (watching them slit that guy's throat in the horse trough was wild), but then Carol shows up and fucking Judge Dredds the place?

and then we see Rick turn from do-gooder cop to feral den mother who is willing to rip a guy's throat out and fjksdhgfjkhgjkhg oh my GOD how did you people not like this show

and then:

it was genuinely incredible watching Rick's role in the universe transform. we see him as an agent who is only ever acted upon: first by the emergence of walkers, then by a revolving door of people he can't trust, people he shouldn't trust but does, and people who have a funny way of doing the right thing just when you expect them to fail you the most.

but it's no way to live a life after the world has ended, and he has to get tough. his role changes, quite quickly, from agent to actor, and now he is the one with the control. he's the one sniffing out your bullshit, doing that unhinged lupine head-cock of his, and sending you to hell at the end of a colt python.

maybe if i was a man, i'd feel a little of what the fans seemed to have felt when Negan showed up. maybe i would have put myself in Rick's place, and found a little vicarious pleasure in the feeling of being a respected leader, building a new home with my bare hands; maybe i would have experienced disappointment or defeat or whatever the moment a bigger guy with a bigger gun shows up.

but what i saw was a hornet's nest being stirred; the natural reaction of a world much bigger than you just when you've begun to think you might control some of it. negan wasn't some Bigger Guy, he was a symbol, a walking metaphor for how things are always going to go when men like rick try to purchase peace with violence. if it wasn't Negan it was going to be someone else. i adamantly believe the fans hated negan because negan was holding up a mirror to them.

when i go on about this show, i genuinely do love all of it (even the nightmarishly slow seasons 9 and 10), but the images in my head all come from season 5, especially when they raid the hospital back in the city. the walking dead does not disappoint with aesthetics. the sets were phenomenal.

long, dramatic shots of broken chain link fences, sun-baked highways, half-abandoned urban streets with boarded windows and nothing left but graffiti. honestly feels a little like my childhood. i'm an urbex bitch at heart and i never wanted ANYTHING so desperately as the chance to get in there with Carol and Aaron and Maggie et al, and go plumbing the tombs of Atlanta for rocket launchers and medicine.

and while i never want to see backroads or quaint country towns ever again in my life, i won't deny that the backdrops of rural georgia and virginia gave the walking dead a unique visual language, a kind of run-down western vibe that really helped cement the feeling that these were just regular salt-of-the-earth people, forced to do extraordinary things. most of my dreams now usually have the same hickory and pine trees that dotted the countrysides.

i don't really know what i was trying to accomplish when i began this post (it's the only way i know how to write baby!) but to summarize, i fucking loved this show. i genuinely hold it to be one of the seminal works of modern zombie horror and also just an incredibly good survival soap opera about what it means to be alive in a world that has violently rejected you. i'm genuinely glad i gave it a chance and i'm so grateful my brother recommended it to me. i love you, bro.

[prince-of-undreaming]

Beta Readers? I barely know 'er!

Hi, hello! My name is Vena and I am a queer and Enby writer who is looking for beta readers for my Monster Romance manuscript, Your Bleeding Heart. It is an Eros and Psyche retelling set in a regency Era Fantasy world with Fae, Humans, Elves, Tieflings, etc.

Rates: 21+ for graphic violence, explicit sexual scenes, and potentially triggering material Word Count: 86k Genre: Monster Romance/Romantasy Due Date: Late June

If you have any interest to learn more, feel free to read on!

A brief summary;

Ninette Marin spent almost her life knowing she was cursed to be kidnapped by a monster one day. Even as her family attempted to avoid her fate by marrying her off as soon as they could, their efforts are in vain when she is stolen from her wedding. She finds her monster is actually one of the Fae High Lords, Emir. Emir’s own curse gives him only one chance at love. Their curses leave them twisted into a fate they could have never avoided… 

Content Warnings:   Blood/Gore, Violence, Injury, Death, Child Death, Graphic Language, Casual Nudity, Explicit and Sexual Scenes, Blood Drinking, Cannibalism, Consumption of Organs (hearts), Discussions of Childhood Sexual Assault (Applicable to a main character and a side character), Slut Shaming (Parent to Main Character), Inappropriate age gaps, Kidnapping, Power imbalances, Out of touch conversations about said power imbalances, references to human beings as pets, Bugs (Butterflies, moths), Child Abuse, Transphobia, Paternal abuse (Applicable to both main characters), Controlling Parent, Regency Era Misogyny/Gender Roles, Pregnancy 

A list of Kinks/Sexual contents: Explicit sexual scenes, Mating Bonds, sensory deprivation, Biting, Pinning, Masturbation, Pillow Humping, Unrealistic size difference, Size Kink, It shouldn’t fit but it does and we won’t question it, inappropriate use of Fae bargains, Edging, Teratophilia (Monster Kink), Breeding, Pregnancy, Rut/Heat Cycles, Thigh job, Clothes ripping, Neither of them know where the clit is but they make it work, fingering, exhibitionism, squirting, Oral Sex, Semi Public, Interchangeable Genitals (Trans Male Character)

Please review the trigger warnings and sexual content list very carefully because deciding if this story is for you. I know some of the tags are very triggering for some, myself included, so please take it slow when those things come up.

If you are interested in beta reading, my dms are open! As is my discord _vena if you'd like to reach out. If you have any questions, I'd love to answer and we talk about anything you need; I will also provide a doc that had this information + some extra, along with the beta copy of the manuscript!

Thank you very much for considering :)

[redd956]

My Suggestions for Military/History Related Media to Consume (1/?)

Band of Brothers:

Band of Brothers is an 8 long episode series, depicting the stories of American E Company during WW2. Although there are some noticeable inaccuracies in their stories, the overall performances and cinematography is wonderful. Some of the original E company veterans were also consulted in the creation. It is a brutal watch, and the first episode can be quite the slow burn. Overall the story is intriguing, historical, and brews food for thought.

Long, Long Holiday

Long, Long Holiday is a children's French cartoon about a family that lived on a town near Normandy beach during WW2. The story is incredibly sweet, but has is realistic unexpected turns. It follows the two main young characters, their group, and their journey as French patriots. It was incredibly adorable to watch, but the show takes itself quite seriously, and can easily be watched by all ages. It's not based off a true story, but instead the accounts of the French civilians who had to endure through the war.

All Quiet on the Western Front (1930, 1979, 2022)

All Quiet on the Western Front was originally an anti-war novel written in 1929. Everyone involved was quick to make a movie, and it took the world by storm. Quickly everything about was declared propaganda, unpatriotic, and dangerous thinking. It was banned in the country it was written in, Germany, as well as notably in Australia, United States, Italy, and Austria.

The film, it's two remasters, and the book itself are all great additions. It can easily be a hard brutal watch. The movie itself holds major historical influence. It's about German soldiers in WW1, the brutality of the war, and the propaganda that spread around. Both during the writing of the original book, and the first movie veterans on all sides, but especially the Germans and French were consulted. Americans also played a major role in creating the production. Many small graphic and heartbreaking details in the productions, come from these references. It is a great watch, especially if you are advocates for anti-war.

Grave of the Fireflies (1988)

If the previous three didn't rip your heart to shreds, this one will, and will do so efficiently, brutally, and without mercy. I am not kidding this is an incredibly difficult watch. It will likely be the most difficult watch on this list. It is an anti-war Ghibli movie about low income Japanese children trying to survive after the atomic bombs dropped in WW2. It is counted as a tragedy, will make you cry, and doesn't hold back any punches. Incredibly graphic.

Girls und Panzer

For something far more light hearted, and less about actual history I suggest Girls und Panzer for our local military tank nerds. It's a competitive sports anime, but instead of being about an actual sport, it's about the worldbuilding of the Girls und Panzer world. Tanking is a symbol of feminine power, and the anime follows the adventures of an ex-tanker getting back into the sport in an attempt to save her school. It's very light hearted, fun, and the stakes are surprisingly high. The accuracy for the tanks is amazing too, which makes it just as fun. There's two seasons, and a movie.

[em2dplatformer]

2D Platformer Game Design Document

This is my Game Design Document for my 2D side scroller that I plan on creating.

What makes a 2D side scroller?

Firstly, it has to have 2D graphics.

It also needs a camera that is fixed to the side of the character.

The camera also needs to either follow the player (scroller) or alternatively uses a flip-screen where the camera is fixed to the room rather than the player.

Celeste:

Celeste focuses on movement mechanics with the player character having the ability to wall jump, dash etc. The levels are designed for these abilities to be used to their limits with moving platforms, spikes and falling platforms. These additions all speed up the pace of the game and increase the difficulty naturally rather than artificially. The animation is very fluid, with the main character moving extremely smoothly even during fast movements.

Super Mario Bros:

Super Mario Bros' main mechanics include pipe travel and power-ups. Different power-ups give differing levels of abilities with the mushroom making Mario taller and stronger the fire flower providing an attack and the star giving full invincibility. Levels are designed to give these power-ups in certain areas so that they're used sparingly but enough to still provide an impact. Super Mario Bros artstyle is quite simplistic due to the time it was made but is still engaging and interesting due to its use of bright colours.

Sonic The Hedgehog:

Sonic's main mechanics are his ability to dash and item boxes. Item boxes have power-ups that include a shield, speed boost, rings and invincibility for a brief period of time. The levels are mostly designed around Sonic's speed with loops that can only be passed when sonic is going quickly and area of land that fall away if you're too slow. The artstyle is very bright and busy with patterns on most surfaces. The backgrounds are also very busy with small animations and decorations.

Rainworld:

Rainworld is a game that I am heavily inspired by and am very fond of. Its main mechanics include pipelines to travel through, small areas to hide in, complex AI and a day/night cycle. The levels reflect the idea of hiding/stealth by providing the player with many small areas in the first levels like the industrial complex and then ripping away that safety net in further levels like the shoreline where the area becomes a lot more open and a lot more dangerous for the player character. The art style is very detailed and charming with the main design of each level varying from the dark grungy garbage wastes to the sunny sky islands and the abstract void of the depths.

My main puzzle mechanic of the pipelines is inspired by Rainworld.

For an extra mechanic, I would like to create a stealth mechanic where the player character hides using bodies of water. As they're made of water, just entering a body of water would make them invisible.

I decided to split my mood board into 2 halves. The first half focused on how the element of water would act when formed into a humanoid body. Many images used the flowing water as hair which was an idea I wanted to use for my character's design.

The second half focused on accessories and movement. I liked the idea of including some accessories to help distinguish and complicate her design. I also focused on how different elements such as air move, this is because I wasn't fully sure if I would prefer the my character to have running water or water that is more floaty and strongly shaped.

My versions of my character:

My main idea for a setting:

My research into the apps we will be using:

[luaspersona]

omg JJ it took me forever since adding this fic on my trl for the book club, but i'm finally here — and thANK GOD I AM CUS THIS WAS AMAZING???? 😭😭😭

so let's get to it!!

i loved the way you conducted this. the pace, the backstory, everything layed out in such an interesting, sweet way, that it takes no time for us to understand and love their connection 🫶🏽

and god... this hobi 🥵

so freaking attentive, careful and respectful?? the way he ditches his friends (jimin idc if you're a fuckboy, I'M HERE) to be with her after weeks apart, watching the movie with her, shit-talking reader's jackass ex to then 😩😩😩 see that she has a problem, that she's insecure about her body and that she needs someone to guide her through that shame 😔 that's so precious imma—

and god, everything was SO ON POINT, the dirty talk, the descriptions, the way he bossed her around 🥵🥵🥵 i'M UNWELL like:

 “If you don’t take your panties off, I’ll rip them off of you, myself.” 

yES, SIR 🫡🧎🏽‍♀️

but he says the filthiest shit and then goes to say—

“Be gentle. Like…” he searches for the right analogy that could make you understand, “like when you’re playing Zelda, yeah? When you get obsessed with the graphics and just hyperfixate on the landscape and you turn the camera around really slow?” His thumb rubs tenderly at your side to guide in the comparison he makes. 

i mean 😭😭😭 just their bond, their intimacy and how they KNOW each other!!! how he makes it easier for her 😭😭😭😭

can i *sobs* can i get one hobi pls? 🤲🏽 i can wait

also HAVE to mention this part cus the spit kink SCREAMS:

You let out a loud gasp as you feel a glob of spit hit you. You didn’t expect him to do something so filthy. You can feel it start to ooze down towards your ass. His fingers are quick to scoop it back up to your hole and use it to lubricate his middle and ring finger. 

and the words you choose too, god, it makes it even more delicious 😩😩😩 i'm in PAIN

i LOVED this, every second, every detail, every action, every little thing about this hobi (except maybe not liking DreamWorks????? baby, you just wrong) and i'm so so glad i finally got around to read it 🥺

you're amazingly talented, and the fact that this story is soo good and enticing 👀 is solely due to a amazing wording and content control: the way you show us their intimacy, how much they love and appreciate one another, enough to give each other a helping hand 🤝🏽 so thank you for sharing it 💐

Helping Hands

Pairing: Hoseok x reader Genre: PWP, smut, f2l

Word count: 6k

Rating: 18+ (Minors DNI)

Warnings: Fingering, spitting, overstimulation, guided masturbation, cheating, shy!reader, fuckboy!Hoseok, close friends getting closer

Notes: Revamped header by the amazing @mintkims​. Absolute queen of graphics. Thanks to @craztextae​ for going through my mess and fixing the syntax while I was having a breakdown and just didn’t want to look at it any longer. 

Summary: Between your boyfriend getting into bed with another girl and finals taking all your time a cold rift has emerged between the usually warm movie nights with your best friend. Thankfully exams are over and Hoseok is back on your couch where he belongs. When some shit talking gets a little too close to home and Hoseok finds out you’ve never even had an orgasm he decides to take things into his own hands, and yours. 

Keep reading

[rookthorne]

The west had ripped Bucky down to his foundations, and built him back up, many times before. And it will continue to do so again, and again, and again. He was strong, he was a fighter. But what happens to a man when he’s given something to protect and fight for other than himself?

What happens is what Steve would call; a goddamn miracle.

The retelling of James Buchanan Barnes as an outlaw in the wild plains of late 19th century America, and how an outlaw's heart thawed like the harshest winter into a bountiful spring.

PAIRING; Bucky Barnes x OC (reader insert friendly) WORD COUNT; TBD (ranging 65k - 75k) WARNINGS; angst (a hell of a lot), fluff, both canonical and non-canon character death (graphic & non-graphic), animal death (horses), sassy and protective Bucky because that's a warning in itself, graphic blood descriptions & gun violence, swearing, pet names, slow burn, implied consensual smut.

A/N; Hello there! This is my first ever writing project, this idea has been swimming around my head for a few months, and I finally had the courage to begin my journey. This story is mainly Bucky-centric, with a majority of the chapters being purely from his POV. In creating my OC, she is left blank except her name so you are free to imagine her as you see fit!

I wanna say a huge thank you to @d-desrosierss & @fidgetforrest that helped me bring this to life, and encouraging me every step of the way. I appreciate you so damn much, ily.

I'd also like to say a huge thank you to @thefalconthatcriedwolf, if it hadn't of been for the all the resources you shared with me and all the advice, this story wouldn't have gotten as far as it did. Thank you, so much. ❤ Also a big thank you to @thenhewaswrongaboutme, the dialogue and characterisation tips and examples you provided helped me more than you know - I am so grateful. Additionally, for joining the chaos that is my drafts and helping me by becoming my beta - your insight and help has been invaluable. ❤

DISCLAIMER; This story is inspired by the plot/story of Red Dead Redemption 2. There is absolutely NO need to have prior knowledge, but if you do you will have some Easter eggs scattered about, and some of my personal favourite scenes and dialogue will be used with my own twists. ALL CHARACTERS AND DIALOGUE used within this story that has been in Marvel OR RDR2 do NOT belong to me, nor do the characters (except my OC) - all credit goes to the original writers. I am making no monetary gain from writing this story - it is purely fan created for the enjoyment of myself and others that may read.

GRAPHICS; @firefly-graphics + @maysdigitalarts - thank you 💗 Moodboards were made by me using photomode in-game and the ever helpful pinterest - I do not own nor claim ownership of any photos used.

Chapter 1 - Cat & Mouse

A robbery gone wrong leads Bucky to foolishly soldier on, on his own. An exasperated Steve and Sam ensue.

Chapter 2 - Misfire

Bucky and Clint go hunting, and whilst fruitful, it does not go by uneventful.

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Finale

Epilogue

Series Playlist

TikTok

Memories

MORE COMING SOON

[just-some-random-blogger]

Connecting Dots

NCT Philosophy Student!Lee Donghyuck (Heachan) x Statistics Student!Reader Summary: Life is pretty depressing when you live knowing your days are numbered. Alternatively, life is pretty lit when you live knowing your days are numbered. Donghyuck is in right in the middle of both. Word Count: 21k+ Warnings: Fem!Reader, Kun x Reader (?), Enemies to lovers, mentions of death, terminal illness, suicide, LOTS OF DARK HUMOR, self depreciating jokes, dry humor, university/college au, frat boyz!NCT, drinking, smoking, cussing, typos, angst, fluff, slow burn, graphic smut/sexual themes, awkward first time, low key scamming, appealing to emotions, did i mention angst, i cried writing this yall HAHA good luck, typos, etc.

A/N: Clearly from the tags, you can tell one of them is sick (its heachan lol its not a spoiler) I denounce any illness to ever actually happen to my baby boy i love him so much i wish he lives a long healthy live AMEN periodt. I am also in no way making light of cancer or any illness. I wrote this knowing only surface level or second hand experience about real life experiences with terminal illnesses and with the thought that this might cheer someone up. do not read this is you are not comfortable with the premise. ALSO THERE ARE A LOT OF SCENE JUMPS OK BYe GEEZ I CRIED AS I WROTE THE END PART

yo i edited this twice because it didnt save RIP, but actually i think it came out better now also i made two moodboards, what are you gonna do about it, punk?

Listen to Rose by D.O

To you I offer Eternity;

I was by the bay with one of my favorite people. We were on a bench. I was sitting, she was laid down. The ocean breeze felt cool, and the ocean waves sounded calming. The said person speaks softly to me, "Can you tell me a story?"

I turn to the child whose head was on my lap. She pouts the cute way she always does while I clarify, "what kind of story?"

"One with daddy."

"Ah," I stroke her hair, "I think I told you all the stories I have with your father."

"But I like your stories!"

“Sorry Poppy,” I say, “I don’t have any other stories to tell you.”

She pouts again and hums, “what about your favorite story?"

"My favorite story? Well, I thought of one, but it's a pretty long. Do you want to hear it?"

“Yes!” 

“Are you sure? It gets kind of sad.”

"I'm sure! I'm sure!"

I shake my head and chuckle, "okay, well it starts on one ordinary school day."

"Hey," I say to my classmate in an awfully bright colored orange hoodie. He was holding a lollipop stick to his mouth. "Can I sit next you?" I ask, although I would say my tone wasn't really much of a question.

He raises a brow and shrugs. I notice the sheen on his lips and figure it couldn’t possibly be from the sugar from his candy. He must put on some lip balm. I mean, we love moisture lips. Good for him.

 He pulls the lollipop out quickly and places it right back after answering, "don't give a shit."

I pull my head back. Oooh, right in the 10 o'clock subject. Didn't know Donghyuck had an attitude.

I feel the right corner of my lip curl in amusement. I place my stuff down on the desk beside him. "I didn't peg the quiet nerd to be so snarky."

He shoots me a glare, "says the nerd who happens to be the teacher's pet."

"Oh, so you do know we've shared classes before. Two, well, 3, counting this one."

"Four. You wouldn't fucking shut up during literature."

I smile, "aw, how sweet of you to notice."

Donghyuck raises his brows at that. I pull out my notes, my colored pens, and my highlights. He observes the structure of my writing for a moment and I can’t help but feel proud of it. I had, I would say, 10/10 notes. 

He leans on his desk and bites on his candy, making an audible crunching sound, "stop talking to me, nerd."

I turn to him, "Hey, that's on you for interpreting nerd negatively. Nerds are all the rage now, having comicon, cosplaying...DnD, all catered to them.”

Donghyuck pulls what's left of his sugary stick out and continues to chew, all the while narrowing his eyes at me. I continue, "also, don't you eat lollipops every day? Diabetes is gonna kill ya."

He chuckles dryly, "good thing I'm already dying."

When he looks away, I follow, smiling to myself, "dang, I like you."

Donghyuck's eyes dart from his me to our Chem teacher, Mr. Wong.

 When the bell rings, I'm surprised by how quick Donghyuck manages out the door. I curse under my breath and shove my things into my backpack. I call out to him, "wait!"

But of course, nothing is easy in this world, and he keeps walking.

 I manage to catch up with him in the hallway, clearly to his disappointment. He spots me as he steals a glance from over his shoulder and groans. He speeds up, only to have me jog up next to him.

"Wait up! This is no way to flex that you’re just a tiny bit taller than me."

He abruptly freezes, surprising me into an ungraceful pause. He places his hands on his hips and sighs, "Am I a joke to you?"

I make a face and an oooh sound, "I like that meme too. I send it to my-" "Stop fucking following me!" he barks, raising his voice. It was honestly unexpected. I felt the burn in my cheeks after that and the stares of people passing by. It wasn't so much that I was embarrassed, it's just that it really kind of came from no where.

Alright, to be fair, I didn't really know this kid, so I didn't really know what to expect.

But true to my nature, as he glared at me before walking away, I kinda fell for him. Not in like a oh-my-gosh-marry-me kind of way, more like dang-I-haven't-had-my-blood-pumping-like-this-since-forever kind of way.

Clearly, the game plan from then on was simple. Get the dirt on Lee Donghyuck.

...wait, his last name was Lee right?

"Right," Jaemin pointed at me as I smiled at Kun for opening my yogurt. I give Kun a quick arm cuddle as he mixes his ramen in his tupperware next to me. One thing you should know about Kun is that all his lunch is prepared at home, which is why I can never dare to eat too much of anything processed around him, lest I hear his wrath.

Jaemin, who was sat in front of us, continued, "he too is a philosophy major like moi."

I shudder and make a gagging sound.

Kun scolds me without batting an eye, "don’t act like a child."

“Why would I when I detest them?”

“So dramatic,” Kun mumbles.

I stick out my tongue and go back to my original train of thought, "I think I have PTSD over that. The P standing for Philosophy traumatic stress disorder. It's just so mind-fucking."

"Says the stat major!" Jaemin blurts in offence, pulling a nasty side eye.

"Hey, there is a refined beauty in complex arithmetic and it's so darn satisfying when everything simplifies to zero," I make a face as I smile and take a bite of my yogurt and pre-cut apples I had prepared in a duckie themed lunch box. "Wouldn't you agree, Mr. Honor Roll?" I turn to my best friend.

Kun gives us both a knowing look and nods silently in agreement.

It was Jaemin's turn to shudder, "the human brain truly is such a wonder."

I raise a hand at him, "hey, remember, I'll do your stats, you do my philo."

Jaemin takes my extended hand and shakes it, "deal."

Kun quickly swallows the ramen he was chewing, "no one is doing anyone else's homework! Not in this household."

I give him a sour look and humor him with a rapid nod. I then turn to Jaemin, then asking him what I was actually interested in, "so, Lee Donghyuck. What's his deal?" 

For a second, Jaemin thinks, "well, he's usually snarky but otherwise pretty quiet. He's actually a frat memb..."

Jaemin falls into silence. I give him a moment but get impatient halfway through. I raise a brow at Jaemin's trailing tone, "what gives?"

"Dude..." he says in a softer tone compared to his prior one, "did you make a diabetes joke at him?" Jaemin asks, face falling into seriousness.

"Why? Does he have diabetes?"

Jaemin releases a breath, "he has cancer."

Kun and I pull back at the information. For a second, I debate whether Jaemin meant the star sign, but based on the look on his face, I'm pretty sure he meant the illness. Also, he as far as I remembered, his philosopher's ass detests astrology n' stuff. Oh, and right, he says has cancer and not is a cancer. Good job, me. 

"Woah," I say in shock, "he really wasn't kidding about dying."

Kun quicky snaps at me and calls my name out in a warning. There is a thick and tense silence between us. Well, about as silent as it gets in a full cafeteria.

 I look at my apple slices and take one. I dip it my yogurt at point it at Jaemin, "I still think he's pretty cool though."

Kun turns to me with an incredulous look, "You missed the part where you say you're going to apologize to him for being insensitive,"

I turn to him, "How could I be insensitive when I was just being myself?"

Kun looks at me like a grew another head.

I roll my eyes, "I didn't know he had cancer."

Jaemin makes a pained face and hisses, "babe, that's literally what insensitive means."

"Listen, Webster Dictionary, the only person that should be schooling me for word meanings is someone who actually studies words." I catch a woman in a cute lil’ plaid skirt walking over to us. I pat the table and motion at her, "much like the lit student."

She gives her kilowatt smile, repeating, "lit student?"

Jaemin turns to the said person and smiles back, standing and giving her a quick peck on her lips, "hi baby.”

"What were you talking about?" she asks.

I ignore her question and point, "Sana, I think you should know your boyfriend is cheating on you. He called me babe a while ago, supposedly to prove a point, but I know he was just trying to get into my pants.”

Kun rolls his eyes. Jaemin sighs. Sana pouts the cute way she always does and turns from me to her boyfriend, "is that true, Nana?"

"No, she was just asking me about a classmate," he starts. Jaemin then whispers something in her ears, which makes Sana cover her face, giggle, and smack Jaemin's chest. I clench my teeth in disgust, "I bet 20$ this fool just said he only wants to get into her pants."

Kun slurps up some more ramen. Jaemin turns to me as he rolls his eyes. Sana covers her giddy expression again. "If there's nothing else, we'll be going now," he says, wrapping an arm over his girlfriend's shoulder.

 Sana beams and waves at me then Kun, "see you two later."

"Later nerdz," Jaemin says, doing a peace sign before walking off.

Kun gives them a wave goodbye. I call as they leave, "You're too good for him, Sana!"

"Can you not?" Kun says more than asks.

"No," I say simply.

"But you can try."

"I can't believe I can do that either."

Kun sighs.

  After lunch, Kun incessantly reminded me to prepare some sort of apology to Donghyuck for my unintentional insensitivity, quote, 'regardless of it being unintentional or not, it could have really hurt him' end quote, as he walked me to the library.

Knowing me, it falls flat to my ears. But with Kun knowing me, he did a good ol' fashioned, I'm-going-to-tell-your-mom-and-you'll-never-hear-the-end-of-this line. I begrudgingly had to agree, since my mom was going to visit my dorm this weekend to bring food over and I really don't want to have to deal with more nagging. Kun was mother enough. It was no wonder why my mom, or any mom really, liked him so much.

Anyway, after doing our secret handshake and wishing him to fail his quiz in biology, he headed off to his class and I headed into the library to do some homework, and work on that apology, ugh.

 BUT!

It wasn't my fault I saw Donghyuck there by the world history aisle in a yellow hoodie and yet a lollipop still in his mouth. His lips reflected some light due to his lip balm.

I practically jumped when I saw him. I hastily made my way over and sat down in the vacant chair in front of him.

"Hi Donghyuck ," I say, making him turn from whatever he was working on, to me. I pull my notebook and text book out. He pulls out his earphones and his expression falls. I pull my pencil case and writing materials onto the table. I begin to work on my calculus homework, starting a new page with pink ink and mint green highlight.

Donghyuck speaks, "nice notes."

I look at the page that was open and smile at the pastel colors on it, "it's a specialty of mine."

Donghyuck shows his yellow pad and I see his unintelligible writing. I visibly react to it as he says, "here to show off?"

"No."

"Then fuck off."

I sigh, "I knew you were going to say that, but here me out. I have this friend Kun and I told him you're pretty cool. I also mentioned that I made a diabetes joke, which lead to you doing a death joke," I raise my hands, "which, by the way, was pretty funny."

Donghyuck adjusts in his chair.

  "Anyway, he told me to apologize since we found out you have cancer and stuff --though I really don't see a need for it."

He raises a brow and drops the pen in his hand, "you don't?"

"No, I don't. I think you and I have pretty similar sense of humor, and you made a joke yourself," I give a contemplating look, "And, I mean, I meant it when I said we all die anyway."

There is a moment of silence.

I suddenly correct myself, "although, if life was a race, you're probably like the Usain Bolt, you know?"

Donghyuck stares at me blankly.

"YOU TOLD HIM WHAT?" Kun looks at me with wide eyes, absolutely flabbergasted.

I flash him a wide smile as I hop around him, "I told him he was like the Usain Bolt of dying!"

Kun pulls his head back, flashing some double chins. He looks absolutely mortified as he calls my name.

I laugh at him, "KUNNN! It was fineee! We’re on the same wavelength! He even invited me out to a party at his frat house!"

"NO!" he says in horror.

"What do you mean no?! I have a new friend, this is so exciting! I'm finally going to have someone who doesn't nag me like you do, or flaunts their disgusting cutesy relationship in front of my face!"

"Dude! You are both messed up! I can already imagine the stunts you two are gonna pull. Plus, I don't think it's healthy for him to be around someone that could unknowingly be encouraging suicidal thoughts."

"Kun, he's not suicidal, he's terminally ill."

He full on snaps, "and you are taking this far too lightly!"

I reel back at the nerve I hit and raise my hands in surrender. "Geez. I get it. Dude, I don't actually want anyone to die."

"Good."

"Maybe except myself."

If we were in a cartoon, Kun would be animated with a bunch of bold, red symbols right now, if you know what I mean. He continuously barks at me and I profusely state that that was, indeed, just a joke.

"Don't go to that frat party," he warns.

"But Kun, I already promised."

"Consider this a promise meant to be broken then! Call him and tell him you changed your mind."

I think about his words for a second and decide to agree.

Of course, in order to call Donghyuck, I would first need Donghyuck’s number. Alas, I do not have his number. So what do I do? Go to the frat party to get his number. Duh.

The venue was a whole concoction of smells of sweat, alcohol, and what I could boldly assume to be marijuana, hopefully the legal kind. It didn't really help in my search that the place was so awfully congested and large, and lit under this ridiculous indigo light. Luckily, in my side quest for air, I found my way into the not-as-crowded kitchen and there I found this tipsy pretty boy.

"Hey there," he said to me.

"Are you a frat member?" I ask.

He leans by the counter and bobs his head around in a yes, I think, "Kim Jungwoo."

"No one asked. Have you seen Donghyuck?"

"Yahhh," he exhales a strong alcoholic scent, "he was out there playing beer pong without the beer. It was just po-"

I head back out to the sea of people, looking for a pingpong table. It wasn't that hard to find. I just followed the sound of cheering and people yelling 'chug, chug, chug,' and eventually found who I was looking for.

Donghyuck was there cheering with a bunch of dudes. He was wearing a hoodie again, but this time it was in a shade of blue. He seems to have run out of lollipops though.

"Donghyuck," I call to him loud enough and wave.

Him, as well as the guys around him, turn to me when they hear this. They make a deep, rising sound as Donghyuck walks up to me, "you're here."

I nod, "I said I would come."

"Cool. You want a drink?"

"Sure. You want a lollipop?"

He turns to me as we push through the crowd. He grabs my wrist as he leads us off, "why, do you have one?"

"No."

He was already turned away before I replied, but I like to think he chuckled at me when I said this.

It doesn't take long but the travel out of the crowd was pretty treacherous. We wind back to the kitchen and Donghyuck opens the fridge to hand me a beer. He gets himself a soda, it seems. 

And if you were wondering, pretty boy was no longer here.

Donghyuck opens the bottle for me then opens the soda for himself.

When he hands me the drink, I ask, "do you not drink alcohol?"

"Well, I'm on meds so, if I want to overdose, I could, but I'm trying not to disappoint anymore than I already do. That's like on my top 10 worst ways to die: dying a disappointment."

I huff, "hear hear," then take a swig of bear. I hiss.

Donghyuck examines me for a moment, then raises a brow at me, "dare you to chug it."

Without a second's thought, I go, "hah! You're on."

The task was not easy, but I had done it once before. I could take a whole bottle of beer, but more than that I’d start to get drunk. I tilt the bottle up, and try not to taste it as it rushes down my throat. I basically drink the pain away.

I hiss and hold the bottle upside down to show my victory.

Donghyuck seems both impressed and not all at once, "you're more compulsive than I am."

"Well, you gotta live on the edge when you know someone who has cancer."

Donghyuck releases a chuckle, it seems, a little harder than he expected to. He motions his head to the side, "follow me."

He brings us back to the sea of people. He grabs my wrist midway again. We eventually manage and make our way up a flight of stairs. We continue walking until he chooses one of the doors in the hall and opens it. I figure it's his room. He motions to his bed. I decide to sit down and he follows, placing his soda on his desk, sitting down on the desk chair, rolling it over in front of me.

In truth, it sinks in I should probably be pretty nervous in this scene. I was alone with a frat boy in a hoodie, who's scent I had a faint whiff of when we walked into his room. I faintly heard him lock the door on our way in too, only because it wasn't as loud up here. Now I was sitting on his bed in front of him.

What's more was I decided to wear a beige, floral dress to the party, clearly not getting the memo the dress code was itty-bitty, skimpy and tight. I looked like one of those painted-to-be Madonna girls who finds a bad boy to lose her virginity to. It was unintentional; I genuinely just liked this dress. Also, I don't really plan on losing my virginity to him.

Yet, I don't really feel nervous or scared. Not that I thought he couldn't take advantage of me if he tried. I have first hand experience of boy strength because of Kun. And he's taller than me, though, again, not that much. It wasn't that I was dumb enough to believe just because he was terminally ill, he couldn't possibly chose to do anything to me either. It's really kind of just how he has these moles on his lightly tanned face, how he has strong brows, albeit his soft expression, and how he always had moisturized lips. I just... felt like he wouldn't

Donghyuck tilts his head, "so?"

"So," I repeat.

For a moment, we say nothing.

I quickly remember, "oh, I need your number."

"My number?" he raises his brows and crosses his arms.

"Yeah, I promised Kun I would call you and tell you that I won't go to your frat party and I can't do that without your number."

He knits his brows. He opens his mouth and peeks his tongue out in the corner. He swivels in his chair and gets his phone from his pocket. He turns to his phone and asks, "what's your number?"

I begin to recite it by heart. He punches it down and calls it. I pull my phone out, seeing an unsaved number. I answer, "hello?"

There's echo and feedback. We both pull our phones away. I lower my volume.

"This is Lee Donghyuck," he says.

"Hi. I was calling to say I'm not going to your frat party."

He knits his brows, "why not?"

"Welp, my friend Kun thinks I might encourage some suicidal tendencies."

The playful glint that he had in his eyes falters. He hums and nods in agreement.

I continue, "anyway, I did my part for him now. Bye."

I pull my phone away and end the call. I begin to save his number.

Donghyuck watches me. He shakes his head and sighs, "you're crazy."

I turn to him and coo, "Aww, thank you. That means a lot, coming from you."

He chuckles, "So what? You have a crush on me or something?"

I raise my brows and scoff, "bold of you to assume. I say you're cool once and it inflates your flat head."

He breaks into a laugh, "hey, which one of us is in a stranger's room?"

"Nah, but you're not a stranger. We’ve shared four classes together. Plus, I've decided to make you a friend."

He purses his lips, "I don't want to be your friend though."

"Why not? You like dark humor and self-depreciating jokes, so do I. You even invited me to your stinky frat house."

Donghyuck crosses his arms as he chuckles. He spins on his chair while replying, "and you said yes."

"I literally just covered that I want to befriend you because we're alike. I'm kind of up to here with Kun's nagging," I raise an arm all the way up. I bring my arm down to raise a finger, "plus, Jaemin and Sana make out a lot."

He raises a brow, "you're friends with Na Jaemin?"

"Where do you think I found out you had cancer?"

He sniffles, "hmm... so you were asking around about me?"

I roll my eyes, "what part of wanting to befriend you did you not understand?"

He does not respond to this. He continues to spin on his chair. 

A moment passes, when he asks "why not kick them to the curb?"

"My friends.”

“Since you hate them so much.”

“Well, then what? Be loner?"

He halts his spinning to raise his brows at me expectantly. 

I shake my head, "I might not be the biggest people person but I don't actually want to be alone. It’s fun when I can make jokes and people don’t look at me like I’m crazy. Also, I don't like eating by myself. It makes me both look and feel pathetic."

He hums, "that's why I joined the frat."

I raise a hand, "point proven."

"How'd you befriend Jaemin though? That dude only hangs out with his girlfriend."

I snort, "he sucks at math. I like math. I looked for a study buddy on the school website, someone to help me with my other subjects. In return I’d help them with their math. Yeah. Jaemin helps me and I help him, plus his girlfriend Sana's in lit, so we all help each other out. Other than that, it’s been me and Kun since forever."

"I'm guessing he doesn't help you with your homework."

"He does, but he's just too smart for his own good, and I can't vibe with him if it's outside numbers, you know. It's an insult how he can't dumb down to my level when we talk about anything else."

"He's a math major too?"

I nod, "the psychopath is double majoring in statistics and economics, just cause he can. It seems fun, but I would like to graduate without aging 100 years, thank you very much."

"You two seem very close," he leans on his legs and moves left and right on his chair, "considering you still did what he asked you even though he didn't want you to come to my party."

I nod, "Yeah. He's one of the few people that can actually tolerate me, plus, I'm pretty sure my mom likes him better than her own flesh and blood in the son-I've-never-had shtick. Ya feel me?"

He hums, "childhood friends?"

"Worse, our moms are childhood friends. I basically have no say in this friendship."

He lets out an airy chuckle.

He spins around again for a minute. I close my contact list with my new log named 'DUNGHYUHAHA'. I turn to him then ask, "what about you? What's your deal? And why'd you invite me?"

He stops moving. He then turns to me, licking his lips. He straightens in his chair and rests his elbows on his thighs. "Well," he looks to the side, "you're right. We're pretty similar."

He leans back, "to be completely honest with you,” he chuckles, “your humor is refreshing. People around me are normally too scared to even be near me, in fear of breaking me or something. It’s why I stopped making friends a long time ago. The only reason why I'm in the frat is because most of the dudes here are too drunk for personal relationships, or too horny to be real with anyone. They could care less about me, y'know, minus the times they visit me in the hospital. It’s a nice mix for me."

He looks off to a pile of clothes in his room, “Sorry about the mess in my room. It’s normally just me and my cousin here, no cute girls.”

I feel my cheeks burn a bit at the insinuation.

Donghyuck realizes this then clears his throat, changing the subject, “Yuta’s another reason why I can stay here too. He’s in med, and was tasked with the side job of making sure I stay alive.”

I shrug, “Free XP.”

He chuckles, “sure.”

“And don’t worry about the mess. I live alone and yet my dorm looks like two frat boys live in it too.”

“Ya,” he points, “that’s offensive.”

We share a chuckle. 

He sighs, turning to me with a soft expression. He purses his lips, “I’d like to be friends with someone who doesn’t looks at me like I'm a walking handicap. Like trust me, I think know better than anyone where you're coming from, but I'm not like those sorry assholes whose lives are literally on the line."

He looks at me silently for a moment, as if to measure my reaction on what he said. I pout and ask, "did another cancer patient steal your soup or something? Is that why they're an asshole?"

He snorts and rolls his eyes. The tension in his shoulders relax slightly, "yeah, no, this dude that I sometimes share rooms with always got extra dessert because he supposedly had only one more month to live or some shit. They say that about him every month though. It's pretty sus."

We share a laugh. It wasn't too hard but it was enough to melt the remaining tension in the air.

"I'd be pretty pissed too if I had cancer and didn't get extra dessert."

I claps his hand and points at me, "Right? The world is so cruel."

From then on, I began to see Donghyuck a lot more.

I tried not to mix oil with water, since Kun was still pretty hesitant about me spreading my disease to him, which is funny, cause aside from skipping exercises, I'm as healthy as a horse. As much as possible, I tried not to schedule the two of them together, just for now. Kun was normally too busy to have an opening with Donghyuck and I anyway.

Normally, I would hang out with Donghyuck whenever I had vacancies without Kun, which meant we fully went wildin'. It started out as a running gag between us, but we began to take advantage of his cancer to get discounts whenever we could. We had to play it up to get a reaction though, as in make him look more sick. 

I mean, think not about what cancer has done to you, but what cancer can do for you. Admittedly though, there were times we mutually began to feel bad for our victim and just bought whatever it was we wanted.

It was then that I realized Donghyuck did put on lip balm to mask the paleness of his lips. He was a bit embarrassed about it at first, but I assured him it wasn’t a big deal. I mean, don’t we all want soft lips? He eventually grew comfortable about it around me.

On this particularly balmy afternoon, we decided to go to this supposedly popular restaurant by the bay. I had never heard of it before though, and neither of us had gone here. It made for a perfect target cause our rule is to hit the place once, hit it hard, and never to show up there again. I'm talking make them pity Donghyuck so much they pay us for eating there.

Anyway the name of the place was Blue Lagoon. Talk about SpongeBob rip off, right?

"Are you going to Jaemin's birthday party?" I ask as he eats his lobster dish.

He shakes his head as he just devours his plate, "absolutely not."

"Why not? Isn't your entire section going to come?"

"Yeah and they're all going to walk on eggshells around me. I told Jaemin thanks but I'd rather die than have our class make it weird for me."

"Yikes, they probably had a near death experience of their own when you told them that."

Donghyuck chuckles, "tell me about it."

I continue with eating my food.

He asks, "are you?"

I disagree, “Kun's mom is visiting that weekend."

He nods knowingly.

"Is everything alright for you two so far?" a waitress asks us as she approaches our table. We both turn to her and smile, "yeah, so far so good."

"As good as a cancer patient can get," Donghyuck says as he stuffs his face with garlic bread. He begins to choke on it slightly. I give him a look and hand him a glass of water, "ewww, just because you’re dying doesn't mean you'll die if you get any manners."

Donghyuck takes the glass from me, downing the bread with a big gulp, "apologies."

I turn back to the waitress. She looks like she just saw a two headed dragon. She forces a smile, "Right! I came here to tell you that your food is on the house and that the owner of the restaurant wants to give you both some dessert for being so enthusiastic about the place."

Donghyuck and I cheer, sharing a fist bump. He smiles, "that's great. Thank you."

"You're absolutely welcome sir. She would like to request a photo to put to our customer board as well. Would that be alright?"

We give each other a look and wind up nodding. We turn back to the lady as I answer, "that's fine."

"Great. Would you be needing anything else?" she asks, turning to the both of us.

Donghyuck takes another bite of his food before answering, "A cure for cancer?"

The woman tries to suppress her eyes from widening. She doesn't hide the minuscule reaction though.

"I'm kidding," Donghyuck chuckles, "you've done a lot to humor us. Thank you."

The woman releases a shaky breath and smiles, "of course, you both have a nice meal."

On the train ride back to our dorms, we stand in the crowd of passengers and wind up pretty close because of this. In this context, Donghyuck just looks like your average college student, with his lip balm and his hoodies. You would never know he was sick if he doesn't tell you himself.

Other than the hidden paling of his lips, he remedied by lip balm, and the body pain that springs up, he said he didn’t really have any other side effects. 

I watch him lick his lips and remember how he told me I was right about the lollipops. Although it comforted him because he would get lollipops after his treatments as a kid, he said he should lay off them, lest he add another thing to his list of things to torture his mom. He didn’t want to beat cancer just to deal with diabetes.

I notice that his hoodie has a loose thread on it. I pick it off then ask, "how many hoodies do you have?"

He doesn't seem to notice me as he's staring off into the distance. With how I'm basically a few inches away from kissing him, the only reason why he wouldn't hear me is if he was wearing earphones. From beyond the hood he had on his head, and the hair covering his ears, there I saw the pod in his hearing shell.

I tap his face. He whips his head to me in surprise. His eyes were slightly wide, brows slightly high, and lips slightly parted.

I ask again, "how many hoodies do you have?"

His eyes dart from my lips to my eyes, "30."

I raise my brows then quickly knit them, "30?"

He watches my lips again. His own curve upward into a smile. He shrugs lightly, "cancer perks."

When the train stops at one station, a lot of passengers go down, giving Donghyuck and I newfound ample room between us. He takes this opportunity to remove his ear pods. I take this opportunity to hand him a lollipop, out of courtesy.

He looks at it for a moment, “didn’t you say this was bad for me?”

"Yeah, but I won it in class for being a teacher's pet. It’s special, like you."

He chuckles, turning to it and taking it from me, "what subject?"

"Statistics. Duh. Mr. Suh loves me."

"I'm sure he does."

He opens it and eats it. He shoves the wrapper into his pocket. He turns back to the distance outside the window. I however keep my eyes on him, "It's your favorite flavor, right? Watermelon."

He turns back to me. He doesn't say anything in reply. That's when I noticed his ears turned pink.

I can't help but chuckle and roll my eyes teasingly. My chest flutters at his reaction, "don't flutter too much. I only know cause you smell like it."

His tongue fiddles with the candy in his mouth. He turns to his feet. He looked like he was about to say something, but doesn't as then the train arrives at the next station and the space begins to get a little tight again.

I scooch over close to him again. This time the stick in his mouth was threatening to poke my face.

Donghyuck catches the plastic in his fingers, moves it to the side of his mouth, then cuts the rod with his teeth in one go. He then casually brings the plastic into his pocket. I gawk at him, "how'd you do that?"

He raises his brows, while he plays with the ball of candy in his mouth, "experience."

I make a face at him. 

He winks. 

I lightly punch his stomach.

I panic when he makes a pained sound.

He suddenly chuckles, “my cancer is on the other side.”

I punch him again, harder, only this time on his shoulder.

"You and Donghyuck are getting pretty serious," Kun says as he pays for our convenience store donuts. I grab my share and narrow my eyes, "you say that as if we're dating."

"Well, you talk about him like you like him."

"I do like him."

Kun takes a bite of his donut, "romantically?"

I raise my upper lip at him, "the way I like you, moron."

He chews on his snack and swallows. For a moment, there is an pause between us. Probably not the best choice of words when you and your best friend tried dating in high school. It feels slightly awkward but Kun speaks up through it, "you're treading dangerous waters."

"Kun-"

"No,” he sighs, “just stop and actually listen to me for a moment. I'm not saying you should stop hanging out with him because... because... you might get hurt if he dies,” he makes a pained expression, ”but I'm saying you should understand what you're getting yourself into."

I turn to him and take in his expression, "Kun."

"Don't Kun me," he quips coldly, "you’ve always been like this. You enjoy the thrill of diving head first into everything, but for once, just stop, look, and listen. Not for me, not for Donghyuck, but for yourself. You're going to get badly hurt if you keep running with this."

"So...” an idea clicks in my head, “I should walk."

Kun clicks his tongue, "I swear to g-"

"No. I'm being serious Kun," I nod, "I'll walk, slowly."

And so I tell Donghyuck this when I get to our shared chemistry class.

"You're going to walk slowly with me?" he questions while I swap the pens I was using to build my new page of notes on metal elements.

When I turn to him, I find his eyes glued on my notes, "yeah."

He leans back in his chair, "you should just stop hanging out with me, especially if it gets too much."

I pull back at this statement, not enjoying how he said this as simple as the jokes we crack each other. I quip back, "I'm no wimp."

He chuckles dryly, "It's not about being a wimp," he licks his canine, "it's about me not wanting you to remember me that way anyway."

I scowl, "what? Being annoying and condescending? I'm pretty sure you're going to have to revamp your entire personality for me to remember you any other way, Hyuck."

He doesn't reply and scratches his nose.

Mr. Wong asks what brass is. I raise my hand when no one wants to answer, "an alloy." He sings me a quick praise and continues with the lesson.

Donghyuck chuckles and crosses his arms, "show off."

I smile back at him and turn back to my notes, "if you're jealous, be reborn as a smarter guy. You're pretty close to the end anyway."

He watches me write for a moment. I doodle a beaker on the side of my notebook. I can feel his hand rising up with the to mess up my writing. Without looking, I threaten, "if you even think of messing up my notes, I'm bringing you straight to the after life."

He chuckles, "you might regret that," he rests his head on his hand, "but I hope you won't."

I finally turn back to him, "regret getting my revenge?"

"Joking about the time I have left." He doesn't really give me a chance to retort when he casually asks, "could you help me with my stats too?"

I turn to him and grin, thinking about the more activities I can do in my favorite subject, "absolutely!"

He pulls back in surprise and breaks into a laugh, "wow, and you called me a nerd."

"Again, that's on you for taking it as an insult."

He shakes his head in disagreement and smirks.

"Do you want to join our study group. We usually meet up every Wednesday morning cause it’s the time we’re all free."

"Hmmm, I don't think I can join at that time. Also I actually have this homework due tomorrow. I don't think I can wait all the way to next Wednesday."

"Oh, well, you can join us at lunch! I’ll help you then." I say in a cheery tone.

He looks at me for a moment, "you're finally letting me meet mama Kun?"

"He's not that bad. I’m kinda just dramatic."

"You? Dramatic? Pssh, never."

I shove him playfully. He gives me a look and smiles, "okay, but if he gives me shit for eating cookies for lunch, I'm leaving."

I hiss, "I'll tell him to shut it."

He chuckles.

When we get to lunch, Kun is as formal as ever, shaking Donghyuck's hand and offering half of his homemade sandwiches to him. Donghyuck declines but I readily ask for it.

Kun raises a brow, "I literally made you a whole sandwich and you still want to cheat me. You have packed berries!"

"What's your point? You were willing to give up the half to Hyuck, and he doesn't want it, so I am stepping up for him." I then try to get the other half from him.

He blocks my move by raising his elbow and clicks his tongue, "you are unmerciful. He only has cookies, which is why I offered."

"And I only have one chicken sandwich. You have a beef stroganoff."

Kun continues to swat me away, but knowing it wouldn't last long, I persevere. I eventually get my way and the half of the sandwich. I immediately take a bite of it and butt my head to Kun’s shoulder, "thanks, Kunnie."

He sighs and nods his head, "whatever."

"You can get half of my chicken sandwich."

"I don't want a chicken sandwich, which is why I made myself a beef stroganoff," he snips.

I take another bite of the half I stole from him and nod, "fine, here, you can have it back."

He eyes me, "mmm, how thoughtful of you."

"You're welcome."

At this point, Donghyuck finished his third cookie while watching.

I turn to him, quickly remembering, “oh right!” I take a bite of my sandwich and pull out my statistics notebook. I then get up and sit next to him. He pulls out his homework and I open my notes, showing him an example I had.

Donghyuck’s eyes widen, “dang, your notes look like a whole text book.”

I break into a wide smile as I turn from his notebook to mine, “thank you. Honestly, I only used to work on my writing to one-up Kun, but now it’s become a passion of mine.”

“I can see that,” Donghyuck says.

I take a bite of my sandwich and point, “this is easy.” I chew and swallow, “I’ll try what I do with Jaemin and tell you the answer so you can work for it.”

“Wait,” Donghyuck turns to me in astonishment, “you already have the answer for this?” 

I shake my head, “like I said, it’s easy.”

“I solve faster than her mentally,” Kun notes, making me chide, “no one asked Kun.”

I finish my sandwich just about the same time Donghyuck finishes his homework.

"Ah, Donghyuck," Kun says, "I hear your nickname is full sun."

Donghyuck looks bewildered. His mouth opens and he slowly stutters, "how... do you know that?"

"I mentioned you to one of my patient-friends and he said you did treatment in the place I volunteer at. "

I raise my brows, "oh, you do treatment in St. John's? I've never seen you there before."

Kun snorts, "you act as if you volunteer regularly."

"I volunteer!"

"Once in a blue moon."

"Volunteering is volunteering, Qian Kun."

"Yeah, but I volunteer regularly and still don't expect to know everyone in the hospital. Besides, not every patient is signed up for the NCIT partnership integration."

I catch Donghyuck's uncomfortable look and shake my head, "hey, don't worry. He didn't start volunteering because of you or anything. He used to be in the boy scouts and volunteers for fun."

"I'm still in the boy scouts," he notes.

"And so every summer I am reminded by your troll children."

"Ya! I don't you not to call them that."

"And I said not to take it personally cause I think all children are trolls!” I turn to Donghyuck, “did you know children think it’s okay to sneeze in front of people’s faces?”

Kun looks ready to pick a fight, “Jisung did that on accident one time cause he had a cold!”

I roll my eyes and revert he conversation back to the original topic. "What was your nickname again?" I ask Donghyuck.

Kun answers, carefully, "full sun, right?"

Donghyuck scratches his nape, "Haechan. It means full sun."

I smile from ear to ear, "that's so cute!” I place a hand on my chest, “I for one believe I deserve to be called Haechan as well for the sunshine I spread through my sarcasm."

I prop my elbows on the table. Kun goes out of his way to shove them off. I glare at him. He looks away and pretends nothing happened. He turns to Donghyuck, "when you don’t need help with your homework, do you normally eat lunch with your frat brothers?"

Donghyuck cleans his mouth with his tongue and begins to nod, "sometimes. Most times it's just me."

I frown, "heyyyy, you can always eat with us if you're alone."

He chuckles, "thanks but unlike you, I like to eat alone sometimes."

"Yeah, but I’m saying you don't have to, okay?"

Kun looks at me and smiles softly. Donghyuck looks between us and nods, a smile breaking onto his lips, "thanks."

From then on, Donghyuck began to eat with us every lunch. He seemed to grow a lot more comfortable around Kun and removed the initial filter he had with him, matching up to my humor again. Kun did nothing but helplessly laugh it off. 

Eventually, the three of us (four, counting Jaemin; five, counting Sana) found a comfortable rhythm between us.

It was why I immediately texted him when I didn't see him in class today. At first, I didn't really think much of it, even when he didn't reply. But when I told Kun about it and he gave me that warry mom look he has, I couldn’t shake the worry that crept up my spine.

This was why I was so distracted while I worked on my homework alone in my dorm later that day.

Not even doing math with my favorite song kept me from thinking of Donghyuck. So when Rose by D.O got interrupted by a text notification, I practically jumped.

From DUNGHYUHAHA: slr. i had a treatment schedule today

I let out a breath of relief after reading it. I quickly reply back.

To DUNGHYUHAHA: it's ok! i was just wondering. i only began to worry when kun gave me that worried look he always has

It takes him a moment to reply.

From DUNGHYUHAHA: dont worry about me

From DUNGHYUHAHA: im called haechan because im as powerful as the sun  😎

I break into a smile and reply quickly.

To DUNGHYUHAHA: absolutely

I contemplate for a moment, typing then erasing my message multiple times. I eventually decide to say it anyway.

To DUNGHYUHAHA: i don't know if you'll like this but

To DUNGHYUHAHA: oh gosh i dont even know how to say it

From DUNGHYUHAHA: i knew it, ur in lov w me haha

To DUNGHYUHAHA: no

To DUNGHYUHAHA: like

To DUNGHYUHAHA: i want to send you virtual encouragement

To DUNGHYUHAHA: like

To DUNGHYUHAHA: i wanna tell you u can do it n stuff

To DUNGHYUHAHA: yeah

To DUNGHYUHAHA: i probably shouldn't have. sorry hyuck

When he doesn't reply, I begin to feel bad and really, really stupid. My heart practically leaps when I hear a notification from my phone.

From DUNGHYUHAHA: thank you

The next time I got to hang out with him, we went to the supermarket because I had to restock on my things. I normally did this with Kun but I was with Donghyuck and we didn't really have anything else to do, he agreed we could do my groceries together.

I wash pushing the cart. Donghyuck was walking in front of me, attention alternating from his phone to where he was walking.

When we pass some home decorations and fake flowers, I reach out for a plastic sunflower petal and tell Donghyuck, “You know I really like getting flowers because the first time I did, there was chocolate hidden in the middle.”

Donghyuck, who had been randomly documenting our trip, raised his phone facing me. He notes as he takes a photo, “got it, flowers.” I promptly pose. With how he held his phone up, I found that Donghyuck had a lollipop wrapper pressed between his transparent phone case.

I break into a smile, “you save your lollipop wrappers?”

He pulls his phone down then turns to me with knit brows, “what?”

“Your phone case?”

He turns to his phone case. His jaw drops and he wipes his lips, accidentally smearing the balm. He fixes it and turns to me, “ah... no, just the one you gave me.”

He looks away but I catch the red on his face. I break into a smile and grip the cart tightly, “I must be special huh?”

“Shut up, you know you are,” he mutters.

I feel my own cheeks burn and I place a hand on my face.

He clears his throat, changing the subject, “I...” he drags out turning back to me, “have always wanted to name my daughter after a flower.”

I turn to him as he explains, “all the people I’ve met with flower names are so sweet and kind, so...”

I simply nod and he looks around frantically. He clears his throat again, “I know I probably won’t get to be a dad though.”

“Hey,” I call, “you never know. You said you were responding well to the chemo.”

He nods, “yeah, but they’ve been saying that for a while and it keeps coming back.” He places a hand on his side, “I barely have a liver left.”

“Well, if you have the energy to annoy me, I think it’ll only be time before cancer calls it quits.”

We make our way deeper into the place, winding into the baking aisle.

He snorts, "I can see why you do this with Kun. You clearly have no idea what you're doing, nor any control for that matter."

"Hey," I say as I get some dark baking chocolate and put it in my cart, "Kun actually encourages me to channel my energy into something productive. Doing the groceries is just that, rather than... say, encouraging someone's implicit suicidal tendencies."

He chuckles, "ouch, you could just say he doesn't like me nor you hanging out with me."

I shake my head and push my cart, "he likes you, Hyuck, he really just doesn't like my sense of humor."

He nods and looks at some of the products on the shelf, "agreeably, you can be pretty dry."

"You know, I would kill you if I knew you weren't already dying."

He makes a challenging face, "ooh, I just hope a Karen hears you and tells you off. That would literally add 10 years to my life."

I watch his playful expression. I casually agree, "let's go look for a Karen then."

Donghyuck and I make it to the other aisle when he realizes what I just said. He was midway in getting a box of corn flakes when he froze. I ignore this for the most part, but then he suddenly speaks up, "don't... don’t do that."

I turn to him and raise my brows. For a moment, I think of playing dumb, but I decide against it, "but I like being around you."

His brows twitch. He places the cereal box back. 

This is the perfect time to note that today was one of the rare days he wasn't wearing a hoodie. He was in a grey shirt with the university logo on it. It was in that split second he wanted to hide his hands in his hoodie pocket, but as he had none, he clenched his fists instead. "We should stop hanging out with each other."

I immediately shake my head, "Sorry no refunds."

Donghyuck expression contorts, "I'm being serious right now." 

"I'm being serious too.” I turn to him, unable to mask the hurt in my face, “I would like to be around you for as long as I can no matter what, okay?"

He shakes his head. He begins to step back, "you don't understand. If you saw my friend who went bald because of the chemo, you wouldn't want to be with me."

"Donghyuck," I call, and walk over to him. He raises a hand, making me stop. I shake my head, "I told you, I want to walk with you... slowly. Please walk with me too."

"But..." he whispers, "you can't fall in love with me... not when I’ve fallen already." The second part of his sentence was too faint for me to distinguish.

I sigh, only having one part of his statement, "you know, at this point, you should know that I have a knack for doing the exact opposite of what I'm told. I think you should ask me with your whole chest to fall in love with you, so that I don't do it."

He grabs my hand and looks me in the eyes, muttering softly, "please fall madly and desperately in love with me too."

My breath hitches. My palms get clammy. My heart races. I am so shocked I nearly don't realize that he said, "too?"

He looks defeated. He releases me and covers his ears. His face begins to redden. He steps back again and he exhales, "I have to go."

He turns about and begins to jog away. I watch in shock but find my legs instantly running after him. A thousand things start playing in my head, but one thing was clear to me, I couldn't let him get away because I knew it wouldn't ever be the same between us if I did.

In my panic, I grab him and lock my arms around his torso. My heart was racing as we froze in the middle of a soup aisle. I started feeling out of breath, "wait, please don't leave me."

He calls my name in desperation.

"Just walk with me, please," I mutter.

He grabs my hands in front of him, "I already tripped and fell."

"Then get up and walk with me... until the end please."

"Excuse me, can you please move," a stern voice from our right calls impatiently. We immediately break away and I make sure to drag Donghyuck to our cart. I find that he was wiping away his tears. I examine his posture, thinking if people had clouds over them, his would be raining.

I note the grumble of the woman who passed us and crack a smile, "see, 10 more years."

Donghyuck wipes his eyes and pipes up softly, "I don't have ten more years."

I grab his hand, urging him to look me in the eye, "Donghyuck."

He releases a breath, "this is why I always wear hoodies. I tried something different cause... you make me want to try new things, but... this sucks..."

"Haechan..."

This makes him turn to me.

He wipes his face with his wrist, “You can probably tell I keep that wrapper because I like you, right?”

“Hyuck, I like-”

“Don’t say that. There’s no point in it when my days are numbered.”

"It's knowing our days are numbered that makes time precious. Just let me be part of whatever time you have left."

I bring my arms around him, glad he doesn’t reject it. I place my hands on his head, "I'll be your hoodie for now, okay?"

He only stands there for a moment, but then he wraps his arms around me and sighs.

A lot of things were going through Donghyuck's head after this happened, and you might be surprised to know most of them lead to Kun. Things between everyone was fairly normal after the supermarket incident, but nothing was directly addressed so there was something just hanging up in the air.

On one of Donghyuck’s treatment, he got to see Rose who had been restricted to a wheelchair and lost all her hair but still smiled from ear to ear.

"Your mom has work today?" Rose asks.

Donghyuck turned to her as she finishes her treatment. She turns her wheelchair to him as he smiles, "yeah, she has an emergency at work."

Rose nods, "my mom has work today too. I'm glad you're here today."

"Me too, Rose."

She was another reason why Donghyuck like flower names.

Rose gasps in excitement, "Oh, I don't think I've ever introduced you my newest boyfriend because you're appointments are usually in the morning and he comes by after his classes."

The nurses laugh at this, not in a mocking way, but in adoration. He nods at the 13 year old, although he knew that she didn't really have a boyfriend and this was most definitely another nurse or the volunteer she thought was cute.

"What the new guy's name?"

"Qian Kun," she smiles softly.

"Kun?" he asks, "does he go to NCIT?"

"He does! Is that your school too? I keep forgetting."

"Yeah, he's actually a friend of mine. We eat lunch together."

She makes a sound, "wah! Consider me jealous, oppa." She pouts.

"Ya, Rose. I was your first boyfriend, why don't you remember I go to NCIT?"

"Sorry oppa," she says, "we already broke up though."

"Still, I'm your first love."

She gives a cute look, "sorry."

The nurses laugh again. The nurse who worked on Rose turns to him, "tough luck, kid."

Donghyuck chuckles then sighs, "are you going to go your new boyfriend today?"

"Yeah. I just have to wait for nurse Minseo to bring me down."

The nurse working on Donghyuck told him he was done with his treatment. Donghyuck stand and shakes his head, "I'll take you."

"Really?" she beams, "yay!"

Donghyuck gently pushes Rose down the hallway. They get into a lift then make their way down. When they reach the hospital's outside garden, Donghyuck is immediately faced with a bunch of teenagers with different sorts of patients. It’s slightly overwhelming for him, since he normally sees the place before dawn when is nearly empty for his appointments. This was the only time his mom was available, so when she wasn't with him, Donghyuck opted to treatment after class. No point in going to the hospital so early.

It doesn't take too long for Rose to pick out her boyfriend. "There," she points and giggles. Donghyuck sees him playing guitar to a group of patients and heads over.

Once they get there, Kun was seemingly singing the last verse of what felt like a Chinese love song. He couldn't actually tell, as he did not speak Chinese.

The crowd applaud. Donghyuck pushes Rose closer to Kun. When Kun notices them, he gives a surprised smile as he stands from the park bench he was sat on, "Hyuck! Rose! Fancy seeing you here together."

"Ya, I’m her first love,” Donghyuck says.

Rose shakes her hand, “you’re my boyfriend now, oppa.”

Kun chuckles, “one of the many.”

“Consider me impressed yet again by your many talents, Qian,” Donghyuck states.

Kun smiles softly and bows, pushing the guitar he had strapped on behind him.

"He's just perfect, isn't he?" Rose swoons.

“Yeah,” Donghyuck says, letting the two of them catch up. He decides to wait for Kun and head back to campus together.

On their walk back, Kun asks, "Now that I think about it, how are you living in a frat house?"

Donghyuck understands what he means, "My parents house isn't actually that far from here, which is why my parents even let me go to college in the first place. And my Aunt's stepson, Yuta, is actually a frat brother. He's also a almost a doctor and my roommate, so I'm his responsibility on top of residency. Fun right?"

Kun watches as Donghyuck kicks a rock, "He has to babysit me all cause I want to experience a normal college life."

"I'm sure he doesn't think of it that way, much like I don't think of you any less of a friend, though I worry for you."

He chuckles dryly, "I don't want anyone to worry about me though."

Kun smiles, "I don't worry for you anymore than I worry for our mutual dark humor loving friend."

Donghyuck feels his breath hitch, "speaking of...” he turns to his shoes, “I've been thinking about her a lot."

Kun nods, "when you hang with her as much as you do, I would be shocked if you didn't."

Donghyuck looks at his fond expression, knowing it was because of her that he looked this way. "You still like her, right?"

Kun turns to him, expression dropping.

"She told me you dated in high school but broke it off because you both thought you worked better as friends."

Kun sighs and chuckles, "Yes."

Donghyuck watches Kun's face. Kun realizes his confusion and clarifies, "I mean yes, it was a mutual decision. You know how she gets, how she acts on impulse from time to time and has no filter. She's just such an adrenaline junkie that I can't keep up." Kun shakes his head and then purses his lips, "and yes too. I... think there will always be a small part of me that likes her. She's my weakness, more because she and I literally grew up with each other, I think."

Kun looks at Donghyuck's deflated expression. He slaps a hand on his shoulder, "but I know she likes you, and I know you know it too, Hyuck, as much as I know you like her back."

Donghyuck chuckles bitterly, thinking this guy truly was truly everything you could ever want to have and be. Kind, understanding, patient, a model of health. No way he could ever match up to Kun.

"It's pointless though. I'm sure you understand that, since you told her to slowly walk with me."

He pulls back, "Dude, I never told her to walk with you. I told her to understand what she was getting herself into. She came to that herself."

Donghyuck knits his brows softly upon hearing that.

Kun chuckles, "do what you must with that information. I'll be here, for both of you."

From DUNGHYUHAHA: do you want to go to a frat party with me?

From DUNGHYUHAHA: also did you change my contact name yet?

To DUNGHYUHAHA: yes and no respectively

From DUNGHYUHAHA: 🙄

From DUNGHYUHAHA: pick you up at 6

I hear a knock on my door. I open it and I see Donghyuck holding flowers and wearing a pink hoodie under a suit jacket. His eyes scan me as he softly says, "Hi."

"Flowers?"

He smiles, "Irises, no chocolate in the middle though. I’m on a budget.”

I chuckle as he hands it to me, “It means hope, as I was hoping to tell you something important tonight."

I smile and get the bouquet from him, "well were you hoping to say it before or after I put these in a vase?"

"During?" he mutters.

I nod and invite him in, "leave your shoes off by the door."

"Yes mom," he says like every other time he's been in my place and taken off his shoes.

I roll my eyes as I give the irises a smell.

"You look really good. Maroon is definitely your color."

I turn to him and raise a brow, "you told me that when I wore grey sweatpants. I'm honestly a little upset I get the same reaction for dolling up in a cute lil dress."

I head to the kitchen of my tiny dorm.

"Trust me, words can't explain how immaculate you look," Donghyuck says as I grab one of my pitchers with left over orange juice and give it a rinse.

I chuckle and feel my cheeks burn, "that's more like it." I place the irises in the pitcher and prop it by the window sill.

Donghyuck's eyes examine the room and he lets out a soft chuckle, "I still don't understand how someone with perfect notes-- color coordinated, lined and bulleted and all, has such a mess of a dorm room."

I point at him and pout, "hey! What's in here," I bring my pointer and middle finger to my temple and tap it, "is far more important than what's" I motion to the general surrounding, "out here. I'm pretty sure I would be go crazy if I didn't do my notes like that."

"I thought you were already crazy though?"

I cross my arms, "I'm starting to think you don't like me."

Donghyuck chuckles and steps forward, "believe me," he pushes me back, "that's the furthest from the truth."

I fumble back and hit the kitchen counter. I make an ungraceful sound on my way. It snaps Donghyuck out of his trance, it seems, as he reaches out to keep me steady, "sorry, sorry. I don't know what got over me."

"Hopefully something good," I mutter.

After a moment passes, Donghyuck looks me in the eye and releases a breath, "Do you still want to try this with me?"

I raise my brows, watching as his soft lips quiver. 

He breathes in deeply then leans in and places a kiss on my lips. It lasts for two seconds before he pulls away to give me an embrace. He crouches down so he could rest his head on my shoulder. His arms around me hold me tightly in place, "I want to walk with you slowly, while holding your hand, while laughing with you, while crying. I want to kiss you. I want to hold you. I want to call you baby. I want to spend the rest of my life with you-" 

The initial shock that prevented me from moving wears off and I finally hug him back. We adjust in the embrace as he whispers, "-no matter how long or short is left."

My lips part and I quietly say, "You might regret that if you end up living to be a hundred."

"A hundred years of torment sounds good as long as its by you."

"Dude, I do not pray for your soul everyday just to have you go to hell on my watch."

Donghyuck pulls away with a chuckle, "you pray for my soul?"

I nod, "I pray... that if I can't have you for a hundred years, then at least you'll live somewhere you don't ever have to hurt again."

Donghyuck knits his brows at that. I bring my hands up to cup his cheeks, "but to answer question: yes. I want to walk with you. Yes as long as pi."

He smiles, "I'm glad you called me nerd."

"I'm glad you called me nerd."

"... can I kiss you longer this time?"

I nod.

He licks his lips and leans down, pressing his lips on mine. It’s just as thought as I’ve always imagined them to be. My entire body ignites into warmth and electricity. My hands run down his nape and rest by his shoulders. His hands pull me in by my waist.

We savor the warmth between us for a good while. He pushes me back against my counter and bring his hands down my thighs. His hands are burning hot against my exposed skin. He pulls away to mutter, "did I tell you you look so sexy in this dress- in any dress- in anything?"

I kiss him back after scolding, "stop talking." Donghyuck pushes closer to me, bringing me up my counter, finding himself in between my legs. I wrap them around his waist. I begin to nip at his lower lip. He lets out a sound that makes my stomach swirl.

I dig my thumbs into his coat collar and push it down. He readily throws his coat off, then catches my head in his hands.

He pulls away and begins to kiss my neck.

I pant, "my makeup is ruined."

“We’re not going to the party anymore,” he mutters quickly as he sucks on my skin.

I moan and pull him even closer to me, “good.”

Donghyuck brings his hands down by the hem of my skirt. He slowly brings his hands up, making goosebumps form on my skin. I curl my toes up and whisper, "Donghyuck."

He catches his lips in mine again. My hands fiddle with the end of his hoodie. My hands begin to find the bare skin on his torso. His hands skip all the way back up to my waist.

I break away this time to kiss his temple, airily telling him, "I want you to take this off." I pull his hoodie up by its hem gently. Donghyuck doesn't waste time and rips it off of him, throwing it off to the side with his coat. He doesn't really give me an opportunity to bask in his beauty, but I do catch the muscle build of his arms and the firmness of is stomach.

I can't really complain when his lips meet mine again.

We continue like this for a long while. It's nice, but I want more.

"Donghyuck," I say, pulling away, only to have him kiss me again. He hums and pecks at my lips intermittently. I hold his head in my hands, "I want to move to my bedroom."

Again, he leans in to kiss me, then grabs my hand, leading me off into the bedroom. He gets on my bed and pulls me up close to him. In this moment, I see my lipstick was smeared all over his face. He looked dazed and so, so, pretty though. 

I'm sure I looked like a with all the colors on my face smeared around but I really couldn't bring myself to care right now. And it was as if he heard my thought that he suddenly spoke up, “you’re so beautiful.”

My stomach swirls as he kisses my neck quickly. He rests on his knees as I sit down next to him. He brings his hands back to my face and begins kissing my lips again.

We climb up to my bed. I wind up lying on my back. He hovers atop me with his resting by my right.

I push him away and he flutters his eyes open. I whisper his name again. He pushes my hair back and nods, "yes?"

"Help me take my dress off."

"Baby," he calls, making my stomach drop and burst into butterflies, "I know where this is heading.”

I feel my cheeks burn so I joke, “you don’t have to flex you’ve been with other women before me.”

He sighs in defeat, “You know that’s not what I mean.”

I kiss him again and he breaks away, “we don't have to do anything."

I nibble the inside of my lower lip, "but I want to."

"I still have time, I promise."

He begins to kiss me softly. I kiss him back but then push him off, all the way off, making him topple over on his back. I take this opportunity to climb on top of him, "it's not about time... it's about me wanting you, needing you, now."

Donghyuck lets out a moan as I move on him. He grabs my hips and looks a warning look, "baby please. Don't you want your first time to be more special? I can plan it so it'll be more memorable."

"Anything with you is memorable in and of itself, Hyuck."

Donghyuck groans, "you're really making this hard."

"More ways than one," I squeak softly.

Donghyuck props himself up on elbows then sit up. He adjusts me on his lap and kisses me while his hands work on the zipper of my dress. He pulls it down halfway, "last chance baby. It'll be hard to stop me when I begin to hear you squirm."

I feel myself begin to pulse at his words. He peppers my neck with kisses and wraps his arms around me. I close my eyes and think for a moment, I try to think about the consequences, but all I can really imagine is Donghyuck kissing me like this.

"I'm sure, Hyuck," I whisper by his ear.

Donghyuck immediately pulls away to zip my dress all the way down. He then pulls my dress off over my head. when he digs his fingers into the sides of my cycling shorts I suddenly realize something illusion shattering. I didn't shave absolutely anything. Not my legs, nor my armpits, especially not my-

this was a bad idea.

I try to play it off. It was pretty dark in my room anyway since we didn't put the lights on. Donghyuck quickly unhooks my bra and throws it off.

I whine his name out when his hands begin to knead my breasts. My hands dig into my sheets by the side.

He pulls his hands away and pushes me off by my hips, giving me a kiss as he does so. He pulls my shorts down and I feel my heart race. I step out of it and he kisses my thigh before standing up and saying, "Lie down, darlin'."

I do just as he says and feel conscious when he doesn’t take his eyes off me. I wrap my arms around my chest. He chuckles as I watch him as he pulls out his wallet from his pants. "Like what you see?"

I nod, making him laugh. "You know how to boost a man's ego."  

He wasn't molded into pure muscle, but he was beautiful with his bare chest exposed. In this moment, I can faintly spot the scar on his belly. On impulse, I sit up and reach for it. He freezes as he looks down on me.

I still had an arm over my chest when I places a kiss on his skin. He lets out a shakey breath and brushes my hair back. “I got it,” he calls, showing me a packet out. He places it in between his lips and I sink back down when I  hear him work on his pants. My eyes wander away as I note, “you just have that with you?”

He chuckles again. I feel my face burn and I cover my face. I hear a wrapper opening then the quiet of my room. 

“Some people say it’s good luck. I’m just trying to cash in as much luck I can get.”

The bed then dips and Donghyuck grabs my legs, hovering in between them. He rests his stomach on my pelvis. I jolt up and squeal when I feel his belly vibrate against my core when he laughs another time. He pulls my hands away from my face, "I think you're past the point of being shy, no?"

"I should have never told you I haven't had sex before."

He chuckles again and I whine, “I don’t really know where that’s coming from, but okay.”

“You just look so smug!”

"Because you’re so fucking hot. What would change if you hadn’t told me anyway. I can clearly tell from the way you react to me.”

I don't really have time to respond when he suddenly behinds moving down. My heart practically stops, and I grab onto his shoulders, "don't go down there."

"Is it haunted?"

"I didn't shave."

"Neither did I, and you don't seem concerned."

"I didn't look."

He laughs again, "I know you didn't, but even after telling you, you still want to fuck me."

I punch his shoulder, "don't say it like that."

He laughs even louder, "sorry, sweetheart, I mean make love."

He examines my nervous look and kisses my jaw, “I don’t know if this will help, but none of the women I did it with didn’t shave either.”

I catch his eyes and find myself relaxing a bit, “how many women did you do it with though?”

“Really? Now?”

“I take statistics! The numbers never lie.”

He rolls his eyes, “well let me go into detail then. My first time was with my first love and I had two girlfriends after that, so it would be 4 if you let me finish.”

I turn away from him to compute the average of this, if you take into consideration the general popu-- I yelp when he begins to move down again. I wrap my legs around him tightly and grab his face, "Donghyuck, please!"

"Cutie, don't worry about hair, okay? Everything about you is beautiful and I'm so fucking hard right now, you don't even know," he kisses my chin, "I can feel you pulsing and I really want to make you scream my name the right way."

"Donghyuck..."

He shushes me, "just say my name when I make you feel good, okay? No more protesting. And actually, try not to be so loud.”

Without another seconds notice, I gasp and Donghyuck is right in between my thighs. My heart is racing. He pulls my underwear off and I try to close my legs, which honestly was just smushing his face.

He chuckles and places either of his hands on my thighs and pushes them away. I cover my mouth with both my hands. He speaks up, "remember what we talked about, honey."

He places his tongue on my core and I groan onto my hands. Him chuckling against me was only making my reactions worse. Donghyuck reaches for my wrist then pulls my hand away, "come on baby, don't be shy."

He pulls my hands away from my face and I humor him but still do my best to suppress my noises as he kisses me. I can't help but writhe and squeak and Donghyuck can't help but feel so smug.

"I can't tell if you like it if you don't say my name."

I whine out his name

The hot breath of his chuckle hits me, making goosebumps form, "Atta girl."

From this point on, I do nothing but squirm and call his name out. His tongue begins to move inside of me and I begin to feel like I'm about to explode. I want to call for mercy, but I can't seem to form coherences anymore.

His lips begin to move outward, back to my thighs. He begins nibbling on my flesh. I catch my breath. He then climbs back up, and meets me little over eye level. He grinds my hips on mine, making me yelp all over again. I pull at my sheets. With his arms on both my sides, he remains propped up and smirks, "you're so adorable."

"Donghyuck."

He kisses the crown on my head, "wrap your arms around me."

I do just that and he shifts his weight atop me. He groans when I dig my fingers into his skin. He then adjusts himself between my legs and kisses my jaw. He lifts himself up by his knees and pushes into me. I let out a broken sound and he moans against my neck. His hot breath was trying to burn me.

"Does it hurt?"

I breathe in and out, "It feels big."

He nibbles my skin, "thanks, but does it hurt?"

"A little bit, I’m not really sure. I mostly feel stretched out."

He chuckles again and I moan out, instantly making him moan too.

"Fuck, you feel so good."

I whine and nip on his ear lobe, "are you going to move?"

"So impatient," he teases, "in a minute, I just want to keep you safe and comfortable."

"I know," I kiss his cheek.

When he begins to move, it feels like we were slipping out of time. Goodness knows how long he bucked his hips back and forth until we reached a comfortable rhythm.

Donghyuck sheds his teasing nature and begins to match my unintelligible sounds at some point. He did find time to call my name out in the same way I manage to call out his.

I begin to feel my feet tingling and my stomach tightening. For a moment I feel like he could do absolutely anything to me and I would like it. He could spit in my mouth or tear me in half and I would thank him. I call his name out over and over again. The lewd sound in the air was drowned out to my ears by the noises that came out of my mouth.

I couldn't hold in my moans at this point even if I tried.

Donghyuck began to pick up the pace.

My breathing began to get ragged. Donghyuck’s hand on my thighs began to tighten. My fingers dig deeper into his back. His teeth were digging into my neck.

The tension between us is climbing so high. Then suddenly it just burns up and bursts into a million pieces.

Donghyuck works on the moment for as long as he can before ultimately going down as limp as me.

We both catch our breath. Donghyuck moans as he kisses my neck. Neither of us move for a long while and I enjoy the feeling of his weight on top of me.

With his chest pressed up against me, I felt so nice and snug, fully in bliss.

I now understood everyone wrote about sex.

I whine when he moves off me. Suddenly I feel so bare and empty. "Don't worry your pretty little head, I'm still here. Good job."

"I don't feel like moving," I say, making Hyuck nuzzle up against me and kiss my cheeks, "I know baby girl and as sexy as you look like that, I don’t think you’d appreciate the consequences of sleeping with makeup."

My eyelids are heavy but Donghyuck’s urging tone gives me the strength to make my way out of the bed and to the bathroom. It feels like how you feel walking after you got off a rollercoaster or a boat, familiar but also not at all.

I wash my face and brush my teeth. I suddenly feel the urge to pee, and when I do, feeling the stickiness in between my legs, this haze over my head evaporates and I realize I just had sex with my... friend.

I wash up and squeal when I hear Donghyuck say, “I managed to change you bedsheet in your minefield.”

It doesn’t even occur to me why he did that, “Donghyuck! A little privacy.”

I full on breaks into a laugh, “I was just inside of you.”

“HYUCK!”

He laughs and raises an arm defensively, “Alright.” He opens the sink, “I was the one that stripped you naked, remember?” I grumble and run back into the bedroom to hide under my covers.

Donghyuck soon comes running after, “JAGIYAAAAAAAA.”

I don’t respond to him and he laughs as he makes his way next to me. He literally jumps into my bed, really falling off. I gasp in concern, “you moron!”

He chuckles and turns to me, “I’m okayyyy!”

He gets under the blankets and snuggles close to me, muttering, “we have to sleep really close together cause your bed is super small.”

“Like your brain.”

“But not my dick, huh?”

I make a disgusted sound and begin to elbow him. He wheezes in amusement and grabs my arms, pressing me down, “Okay! Okay. I’ll stop.”

He presses his chest against my back, keeping a safe space between our lower bodies. He moves rubs his head against be affectionately and squeezes me against him, “you did enjoy it, right?”

I scoff, “you’re already cocky as it is.”

He laughs obnoxiously, “you do know what that insinuates right? But you gotta stop being shy eventually so I know what you like. I gotta make sure I die knowing I’m the best you ever had.”

“Hyuck-”

“Okay sorry,” he kisses, “go to sleep. We can talk about this next time.”

“Bold of you to assume I’d do this with you again.”

He forfeits the laugh and kisses me, “I can show you how persuasive I can be.”

The next day as I blink my eyes open, sunlight barely meets it. I breathe in and stretch, whipping my head to my left side when I don't feel Donghyuck next to me. I shift from under the blanket, seeing Donghyuck was sitting on the side of the bed blocking most of the view of my window. He seemed to be still fully stripped naked judging by the bareness of his back. I remember digging my fingers in his skin, but it seems to not been as hard as I thought it was considering how smooth it was.

He had a phone to his ear when he turns over to me when he feels me shift.

He smiles as he replies to whom he was talking too, "no I know, I know."

I smile back at him and whisper, "good morning." I feel my morning breath come out. He brings his phone to the other side of his ear. With his now free left hand, he brushes my hair away and sends me a kiss through the air before turning back around. I reach out to him and draw hearts on his back. His body twists and he lets out a soft sound because of it. I’m rubbing and poking him for fun at this point. He continues replying to whom he had on the line all the while.

Even his back was pretty. He had a straight line separating the left and the right of it and had not a blemish or mole in sight. I bring myself up and rest my cheek on his shoulder, embracing him from behind.

He places a hand on mine and finishes off his conversation, "Yeah. Okay, eomma. I love you too."

He puts his phone down on the desk next to my bed and he turns to meet me, "good morning."

I slap a hand on my mouth, making him stop and pout. I mutter behind my hand, "I haven't brushed my teeth."

Donghyuck makes an annoyed face and pulls my hand away, placing a quick kiss on my lips. He then jolts up and shoves himself back down against me, resting his weight on my body, "oh no! I'm dead cause I kissed you when you had morning breath."

I make a face. As he looks at me, he matches my expression. My lips curve into a smile, "you know I've always wanted to draw on my boyfriend's back."

He smiles softly, then fully flaunts his teeth, "so last night when you were ripping my skin out was your way of asking me to be your boyfriend."

"No, I didn’t leave a mark on your skin," I deadpan, "also, I was just telling you that I imagined connecting freckles on my boyfriend's back and making my own constellation. You don't really have freckles on your back, and that's kind of a problem."

He scowls, "I hate him."

I break into a laugh, "but he's my boyfriend!"

"I want to be your boyfriend!" he whines and lets out an annoying sound, "please don't tell me to plan something. Not now. I'll die if I wait any longer."

I roll my eyes, "please you're so dramatic."

"I have cancer! I'm allowed to dramatize my impending demise."

"Fine," I say, "you can be my boyfriend with your freckle-less back."

Donghyuck purses his lips and clenches his fists, "Yes! I'll grow freckles on my back or tattoo them."

I shake my head, "don't even try. It won't be the same."

He whines, "I'll never stop thinking about your fake boyfriend. Ever."

I snort, "I can put glitter on your back and make my own constellations." He catches my expression and smiles, “I love you.”

I still and smile back, “I love you, Hyuck.”

He leans in for a kiss. I shake my head and giggle. I lightly slap his lips, "I'm going to brush my teeth and shower."

He immediately perks up and grins, "I'm coming with you."

I pull the blankets up cover myself and shake my head profusely, "absolutely not, Hyuck."

He whines like a child and slaps the bed. He brings a leg up to the bed as he turns his body to me, "YaAaA! I wanna shower with you though."

"I'm not ready for you to see me in day light."

He punches the bed, "I saw everything already! I have night vision. I was inside of you."

"HYUCK STOP SAYING THAT!"

“IT”S TRUE THOUGH,” he throws another tantrum, "come on pleassssseeeeee."

"Donghyuck, you don't even have any clothes to change into. Maybe you should take a shower at your place."

He reels back, jaw dropping, "are you kicking me out?"

"I'm not ki-"

"Wah, I can't believe you’re kicking your boyfriend out 10 seconds after saying I love you," he clicks his tongue.

"I'M NOT KICKING YOU OUT! I'm just being rational."

Hyuck shakes his head, "Rational? Says the girl who tried to buy ice cream from a child."

I growl, "I shouldn’t have told you that either! It was an experiment, alright! To see if someone that age could understand the value of money."

"And yet if you hadn't known the kid or her mom, it would just be labeled pedophilia."

I purse my lips, "you know what, I am actually kicking you out."

He strikes his chest with his fist and throws himself back down on me, "remember you’re kicking out someone who's got a life cycle of a butterfly."

My eyes suddenly look for the scar on his stomach. It was a lot bigger than I pictured it in my head. I look away when I begin to look a little lower. I clear my throat and  raise a brow, "if I give you a pass now, I'll keep doing that forever, so you have to keep listening to me."

He raises his upper lips, "how bossy."

"That's sexist."

He sighs, "you're sexy."

"False equivalence."

He sits back up and shakes his head, "fine. I'll shower at my place and run back here. Only cause I am, like, so fucking in love with you I might have heart cancer." 

“Haechan, please.” 

He points and glares at me, "if you kick me out next time, I'm going to cry."

I cant help but bring a hand to my lips and break into a laugh.

"Ya! Am I a joke to you?"

I shake my head and throw myself at him, giving him a hug, "no. You're my full sun."

He smiles, "good."

The next thing I knew I was constantly kissing Donghyuck.

Everything was pretty hazy, since it feels like I get drunk on his lips. We did walk slowly together, holding hands, in the park, in the mall, to class, to lunch, to my dorm, to his frat house. It was pretty good exercise and pretty romantic, all things considered.

We also watched movies almost every night, and did other things on some. What? I mean homework.

We would go to the library together and he would make me do his notes, to which I would both take joy in doing and would be really stressed with.

We had fun like the best of  friends, and kissed like the best of lovers.

Everyday I would wake up and think of something new I wanted to experience with him. Chemistry became dear to me, simply because I could go to class and watch him mess up simple equations in front of me.

It was adorable.

On this particular night as I did my homework with him, Kun, Jaemin and Sana in the big-ass dining table in the Donghyuck's frat house, he looked extremely adorable being so confused with such simple questions. I kept my eyes fixed on his frustrated face. I had my head rested on my hand, elbow on top of my notebook with the homework I finished hours ago.

Kun points to Sana's work and says, "you missed a 2 in your equation."

Sana sighs. Jaemin pouts at her and pets her head, "it's alright. You would have gotten the right answer had you not missed that."

"I can't believe people like this shit," Donghyuck complains. I scan his work and point at his solution, "you're almost there. Y equals what, Hyuck?"

"Y the fuck do I need to learn this?"

"It's fun!"

"Just give me your philosophy homework," he whines.

"No cheating in this household," Kun says as he flips a page of his economics book.

I shake my head at Donghyuck, "I don’t need help. I'm done with all my homework."

"Can you just do my stats. You get high off of this anyway."

"Hyuck."

He whines, "I have one number left!"

"Exactly. And I want you to learn because you have to pass and I can't do your tests too, now can I?"

Donghyuck places his arms in front of him and slams his head on the table, "I hate it here."

I giggle and nuzzle up next to him, "aw, isn't he so cute when he's like this?"

Sana coos at us and nods. Jaemin couldn't care less. Kun makes a face and shakes his head in disapproval, "you've become the very thing you despise."

Jaemin chuckles, "dude has to get laid."

"I'm quite satisfied with my homework, thank you."

Jaemin makes a face, "gross."

It's funny how high you can get and how fast you can fall.

After my class, I head off the flower shop who's owner I came to know as Mrs. Park. I dropped by pretty often that I could say she was becoming somewhat of a friend.

I make my way to St. John's and get to room 304. Mr. Lee is standing outside the room, using his phone. I grip the strap of my backpack. "Hi," I call and wave with my available hand, "good evening, uncle."

He turn to me and then the flowers I had in hand, "good evening sweetheart." He places a gentle hand on my shoulder, "Donghyuck told me not to let you in again."

I sigh.

"You can go in, though he fell asleep I think. His mom and I are just going to get some food, okay?"

I nod and smile, "I'll be here."

"You can wake him up if you like."

I shake my head, "I'll just leave the flowers and go home."

He nods, "okay, stay safe, dear."

Once he leaves, I quietly enter the hospital room and close the door behind me. I walk by his bed, looking at his sleeping form and go to the table next him. I take the roses I left last time and replace it with the irises I bought.

"You're so unoriginal," a soft voice comes from the hospital bed.

I purse my lips into a soft smile and shake my head, "I ran out of flowers to give you. It's a sign you have to check out soon."

Donghyuck chuckles softly, “Iris is a good baby name no?”

I chuckle, “yeah.” 

I turn to his pale and sullen face. His lips were missing the balm he always put on and looked uncharacteristically chapped because of this. I bring my backpack in front of me and pull out some red lipstick. "Can I do the honors?"

He looks at the cosmetic and sighs, "it's what I get for making you my girlfriend."

I smile and move to the other side of the bed where his drip wasn't stationed. I sit down next to him and put on the red on his lips. Once I'm done, he places his hands by his jaw and smiles softly, "how do I look?"

"Like a supermodel," I say.

He sighs, "had I not had cancer, I'd make Naomi Campbell retire."

I chuckle, "It's not to late. We can still make her quiver in her stilettos."

He shakes his head weakly, "I get too tired. I can barely keep up with you as it is. That's why my tongue is so important."

"Donghyuck."

He puckers his red lips, all pleased, "that's what you say every night."

I shake my head and pull my phone out, quickly stealing pictures of him. His face falls. He immediately reacts and blocks my phone, "come on, we’ve talked about this. No pictures."

"You don't look sick, you look sick."

He shakes his head, "I'm in a hospital gown."

"And you work it like the sex god you are."

He can't help but break into a laugh, no matter how hard he tried to hold it in. "Geez. You are so fake. I'm glad we can't have kids because they'll both be liars and traitors."

His word hit a nerve. Not because of the kids, but because he feels betrayed that his parents won't listen to him when he tells them not to let me visit him while he's here.

He catches my fallen expression. He firmly and coldly states, "I'm not getting you pregnant."

I shake my head, "you should stop making your parents promise to keep me from seeing you."

He scoffs and rolls his eyes, "they never listen to me anyway."

"Donghyuck-" "You see me now don't you?!" he suddenly snaps and gestures his hand up, "look at my face. You want to see this? I don't want you to wake up next to me looking like this."

I keep my silence. I watch as the desperation in his eyes build.

"I told you what the doctors told me. I'm two steps away from organ failure. I could literally die while we're on a date. Do you know how scared I am of doing that to you? Even when we're just walking, I have this shit imbedded at the back of my mind."

"Haechan..."

“I told you. I told you you’d regret joking about it.”

I chuckle bitterly, knowing exactly the joke he mean, “it was funny when I said it.”

“It was,” he hisses, turning away from me, “I'm glad I got to have you, but you don't have to watch me die. It’ll be easier for the both of us this way. You can let go of me now."

My eyes immediately water when I speak, "you want to let go of me?"

"Fuck no," he whispers, "I don't have enough strength to do that."

"Then please don't drive me away," I reply. 

Tears burn down my face, but I'm only concerned about the ones burning down his. I wipe his face and bite the inside of my lip to keep my silence. I pull my hands away and grab his in mine, "I still want to walk with you."

He sighs and grips my hands back. He finally meets my eyes, "you're gonna have to push my wheelchair to the cemetery."

His analogy hurts, but I still nod, "okay."

He disagrees, "don't speak so quickly."

"I swear, I'm not."

He brings his hands to my cheeks, wiping my tears away with his thumb.

“If you have something in the back of your head, I do too, so let’s just...” I lick my lips, “put on some red lipstick and send memes to Kun okay?”

He releases a sigh, "okay, nerd."

I choke on my tears. I release a breath to calm myself down and reply, "okay, Haechan."

To everyone’s joy and relief, he was well enough to leave the hospital to take his finals. I have never been so happy on an exam day.

Kun and I had breakfast together then went to our shared exam room. It my happiness, I skipped on our way and held Kun’s hand, swinging it back and forth. I swore I heard someone mumbling something about wanting to blow us up for PDA so early in the morning or something along those lines.

I couldn't care less though, cause I was really happy today and nothing was going to change that.

"Are you sure Donghyuck has a drivers license?" Kun asks for the nth time. He pulls on my arm, ceasing its motion and I turn to him to make a face, "yes, mom. He even sent me a picture of it and it isn't expired."

He lets out a breath, "you could have lead with that."

"I didn't know you would be that worried about it."

"I'm offended. You of all people should know I never stop worrying. You’re the reason why I’m like this, with that mud pie incident."

“It’s not my fault I thought mud pies turned into actual pies! That’s literally on everyone else before me. I was a troll child back then! With a troll mind.”

Kun scoffs, “you were though.”

"I just said I was,” I raise my hand and flash him a face, “is that why you died your hair platinum blonde? To hide all the white hairs that sprung up on your cranium."

"You know, for once, you're actually right."

I halt my skipping, "wait seriously."

Kun's eyes wander, "at least I'm not going bald."

"Hey! Haechan doesn't have hair loss."

Kun whips his head to me, "I wasn't talking about Haechan."

I snort, "I know, loser."

Right after our exam, Kun and I made our way out of building and I immediately spotted Donghyuck leaning against a sleek black car in a army green hoodie and shades.

Kun raises his brows, "wow, he's got a Benz?"

"Borrowed. It’s his cousin's grad gift."

"Oh? The doctor one? Dang, they rich-rich."

I wave at Donghyuck who had his hood on and he waves back. Kun waves at him too, then I wave at Kun, "bye babez."

"Bye babez," he replies as I run over to Donghyuck.

I immediately wrap my arms around him and giggle in his arms, "hi baby."

"Hey sexy," he says, kissing me on the head. He brings his arms around me, sealing me into a long, warm embrace. 

Once we pull away, he brings his hands in front of me, revealing a bouquet of flowers. I coo at them as he says, "I figured I'd get even with you."

I get the flowers from him and smell the vibrant bouquet of pink, yellow and blue, smiling ear to ear.

"To you, I offer eternity," he says, making me chuckle when I turn to him, "how cheesy."

"Hey, I didn't make the meanings up. Some person saw primroses and said, 'oh, you know what, this means eternal love'."

I shake my head, "still corny though.”

“You’re corny.”

“Thanks, that means a lot, coming from you.”

"Well," Donghyuck asks, "you ready to go for a drive?"

I nod and wave my flowers around, up in the air, "I'm so excited to go to a drive through."

He groans in disgust, "drive through? Babe, I was planning to go to a cute restaurant but you want fast food?"

"We can go to a drive through and a cute restaurant."

He rolls his eyes and moves to pull the door open for me, "as if I don't have enough medical bills to pay."

"I'll pay for the food!"

He gives me a look, "there was no way you weren't gonna."

Much to his displeasure, I get so sidetracked with every place we passed by we barely get to follow the itinerary he had planned for the day. He continuously attempts to get us back on track, but we do not reach the park he wanted to get to before the sunset to get to watch it.

Instead, we sit on the hood of Yuta's car and eat some hamburgers and fries, looking at the stars, failing to find any of the many constellations.

"I give up," he mutters, ripping his eyes away from the guide he had on his screen, flipping his phone back looking at the wrapper still on his phone case. He dumbly blurts, “is that Harry Styles? ♩ Watermelon sugar high ♩.”

What the- I give him a look, “are you high?”

“♩ Watermelon sugar high ♩” 

I block his face with my phone and examine the star chart on it. He sips on his drink then says, "you're looking at an astrology chart, by the way, not an astronomy chart."

"I mean, technically, they're one in the same, since they base their stuff up on the same stars."

"Yeah, except I hate astrology. Like, don't say you're a libra, just say you're a fucking idiot."

"Seems like a philosophy thing."

Donghyuck raises a brow, "you talk to other philosophy students?"

"Dummy, I knew Jaemin personally before you."

"Oh. Well, carry on then."

I snort, "but imagine if libras are actually the dumb ones though, and you got it right."

He pulls away the drink he was supposed to sip on, "we are not going to talk about this anymore."

"Okay," I eat a french fry and some burger, "what do you want to talk about then?"

"Hmm. I promised not to, but I still kinda want to fuck you in my cousin's car."

I nearly choke on my food. Donghyuck bursts out laughing. I turn to him and glare. I continue chewing the burger I had in my mouth and look for a tissue. I find one on Dongyuk's lap and blow my nose on it, "I think a pickle went up my nose."

Donghyuck laughs even harder, falling back on the windshield.

I shake my head, "why is this so funny to you?"

He catches his breath and wipes his tears, "I dunno. It's cute you think I don't think about eating you out every time you're near me."

I shove his side, "shut up."

He whines yet still manages to continue laughing, "my liver."

"Quit being dramatic," I say, crumpling up the tissue I used and throwing it at him. I then pick it back up and place it in the plastic bag of trash we had.

His laughter dies down but his whining continues. After a moment, he sits back up and I realize he wasn't joking. I shift to face him, "Donghyuck."

I shakes his head and raises a hand, "I'm fine. It happens when you have liver cancer."

"Do you want to go home?"

He lets out an airy breath, "no, I don't want to fuck you where all the frat boys can hear and jerk off to your moans."

"Donghyuck , I'm being serious."

"I'm being serious too! I heard them talk about this before. It's disgusting."

I grip his wrist and squeeze it, "Donghyuck ."

He lets out a breath and kisses my nose, "I promise I'm good. It's a side effect of the chemo. I'll take this rather than lose my hair, for you, so you can say your hot boyfriend has good hair."

I frown and nod.

He places an arm on my shoulders when I don’t respond to his words the way he wants me to, "I'm sorry for killing the mood."

He pulls me close. I shake my head and place my cheek on his chest. I bring my hand to his collarbone. I begin to fiddle with the string of his hoodie. I kiss his neck and mumble, "... we can fuck in my dorm."

He pulls back and blinks. He weighs the sincerity in my words then blurts, "get in the car."

I'm not really one to play favorites, because I normally black out when people ask me what my favorite thing is, but if you were to ask me what my favorite memory was, it would be this:

"KUN YOU'RE A LITTLE BITCH!" Donghyuck screams as he video calls the said bitch.

"HOW IS IT MY FAULT IT'S STORMING!" Kun screams back from the other side of the screen. Well, unlike Donghyuck who was actually screaming with his whole chest, Kun was whisper-yelling against the speaker of his phone.

Jaemin bends his knees up and down as he looked at the table, "I'm gonna tell him. I'm gonna tell him. I’m gonna tell him." Sana beside him shakes her head, "nooo, we still have to surprise Kun.”

"But I Sana, I want cake," Jaemin whines.

Sana kisses his cheek, "I know. But you know how much cake you already steal from Kun when he makes some.”

Jaemin whines at his girlfriends sense, “Finnnnee.”

Donghyuck whines, "It's on you for volunteering on your birthday."

"It's not my fault I like following schedules!"

"IT IS THOUGH!" Donghyuck screams again.

I mutter to Hyuck, "we should just tell him."

Donghyuck turns to me, "no, he has to see it himself."

"He might be stranded in the hospital all night at this rate."

Jaemin hears this and screams, "NO!"

Kun's voice chimes in, "Wait, did everyone break into my room with you?"

I grab Donghyuck’s phone and yell, "Surprise! We-" there is a chorus of screams when thunder strikes and the lights flicker.

Donghyuck comes up next to me, "oh shit, the call might cut off."

I turn to the screen and see Kun turn on and off his camera. I shake my head, "ha, ha, very funny Kun."

He mutes and unmutes himself, pretending to get cut off.

"We should have never thrown a surprise party for you!" Jaemin screamed.

Kun unmutes and opens his camera, "I never asked you to do that anyway!"

Jaemin bursts back, "well, sorry for being a good friend then! I'm eating this cake I bought for you and no one can stop me. I'm changing the ownership back to me!"

“Dude,” Donghyuck warns, “step away from the cake. Think of how happy Kun will be when he sees his favorite flavor.”

Jaemin’s face contorts, “how can happiness be real when EVERYTHING we feel are just chemicals in our,” he slams his pointer to his head, “brain?”

“How can ANYTHING be real when we only PERCIEVE THE WORLD FOR WHAT WE ARE AND NOT FOR WHAT IT IS?”

Sana and I turn to each other and begin to panic. Sana grabs Jaemin, “Nana, please-” “HOW ARE WE EVEN SURE WE’RE REAL WHEN WE COULD BE IN A FUCKING MATRIX AND NO ONE WOULD EVEN KNOW,” Jaemin screans, loosing breath.

I flip Donghyuck’s phone over and show him the wrapper, “look! It’s a watermelon.” Donghyuck pushes me aside and raises a finger, “WHAT THE FUCK ARE NUMBERS?”

Kun screams with a lot of feedback, "I’M STILL RIGHT HERE!”

I flip the phone back and smile at Kun. He was shaking his head, “you guys are a bunch of idiots, and regretfully your my idiots."

"Oh my gosh, Kun just confessed to us," I say in a high pitched squeal.

Kun laughs, "Just go and eat the cake to stop this mayhem. Leave me a slice. I'll hang up the call now."

Donghyuck grabs his phone back, "no, no, no, no. No one's hanging up."

And so Donghyuck set up his phone by the table and we celebrated Kun's birthday without him while it stormed outside.

I took it upon myself to tell the gang all of the embarrassing Kun stories I had, knowing he had no way to stop me. Of course he threatened to disconnect the call, but we all knew he wasn't going to do that.

Donghyuck stands from his seat and brings a forkful of cake to the screen, "aah."

Kun brings his phone into his mouth and then pulls back to his face with a smile.

I shout in protest, "EWWW CANCELLED."

Kun quicky barks, "Cancel your boyfriend first for being so tacky and gross."

"My boyfriend is cute! Unlike some people."

Jaemin, on his third slice, cheers and shakes his hand as if it hurt. He raises his arm while still holding a fork and cheers, "someone just got burnt with the truth."

"Can it, Jaemin."

Donghyuck sits back down, "if you have some gum with you, you can chew it and pretend you're eating chocolate cake."

Kun shakes his head, "how thoughtful, but I," a crack of thunder sounds in Kun's area, making him stop and turn to the window behind him. He continues, "don't have any gum."

After feasting on some cake, the four of us have a dance party, which starts with us laughing our asses off because of our horrible twerking and generally horrible dance moves, and ends with us slow dancing and falling asleep on the couch.

Kun ends the call a little before that because the rain had finally stopped.

When he got back to his dorm, he finds us sleeping on his bed. He put blankets over Jaemin and Sana and he sacrificed his own blanket for Donghyuck and- "you're finally here."

Kun looks at Donghyuck's groggy face and nods, "yeah. Go back to sleep."

"No wait," he whispers and shifts slightly in his spot, careful not to wake up anyone. "I have to tell you something."

Kun hums.

"You know how people write letters for the dead even though they can't hear it. Well, this almost dead man wrote a letter for his loved ones and that includes you. It's on the table."

Kun goes to the table and looks for the said letter.

"It's in a white envelope."

Kun spots it and grabs it soon after.

"You don't have to read it now, but I will tell you it's mostly what you may think it is: a thank you for being my friend, a good bye," he says, making Kun tear up and turn away from him.

Donghyuck frowns, "sorry for dampening your birthday mood. I just had to talk about that one favor I asked for in the letter."

Kun releases a shaky breath. Donghyuck continues, "I know you're supposed to give to the celebrant and not ask for something, but I feel like I'm about to Usain Bolt to the finish line real soon."

"Hyuck... don't worry about it. Just tell me."

When Kun looks back at his friend, he finds he's crying. Donghyuck sniffles then lets out a breath to calm himself. He takes a moment before saying, "please don't resent me for having her."

Kun is shocked by his words. He furrows his brows at the idea his friend could think that about him. Donghyuck heaves for a moment then licks the salt on his lips. He wipes his face, "don't resent me when she cries about me, cause I know you can't resent her."

"Donghyuck..."

"I know I sound crazy and stupid," he laughs in between his tears, "and I swear I'm not in love with you or anything, but you've been one of the realest friends I've had in a long time." He wipes his face again, "and the idea of you resenting me when I’m gone eats me up inside. I don't want you to hate me for hurting her, or for hurting you when I'm gone."

"Hyuk, I won't resent you, I promise."

Donghyuck raises a pinkie, "Promise?"

Kun breaks into a sad smile and wraps his pinkie around his, "promise."

Donghyuck releases a breath, "take care of her, okay?"

"Always."

And even though I heard every bit of their conversation, fighting back tears so not to expose myself, even though it was so bittersweet, it's still my favorite memory.

I never got to share another subject with Hyuck the next term, mostly because he never got to enroll as he checked in St. John's indefinitely.

I try not to think about how hard it was to visit him everyday, knowing well that each time could be the last. I didn't want to say it was torture, because I truly still felt that every day with him was a precious blessing.

I was copying Kun's homework when he woke up. I had a chair by the side of his hospital bed and I was using his mattress as my table.

"I told my mom not to let you in," he says, turning to his mom was was sitting on the couch in front of him.

I turn from my notes to Donghyuck 's sunken face.

His mom turns from her phone to his son and shakes her head, "I can't promise something so cruel, Heachan."

Unlike last the time he was confined, when he only looked like he had lost the color in his skin, he looked different. He lost a weight, the roundness of his cheeks disappeared, because refused to have IV fluid poked into him any longer. He still ate meals every hour, but he didn’t have much of an appetite.

The playful gleam in his eyes were faded. I tried to reignite it sometimes by cracking a joke or two, but he found it hard to smile... or to even look at me, as he admitted some days ago.

I turn to him and crack as smile, "it's the consequence for wanting to be my boyfriend so bad."

He doesn't respond to that and instead had his eyes focused on my notes. I turn to my notes as well then turn back to him, "It's advanced calculus. Gross right?"

He doesn't chuckle, "you're not highlighting?"

When he looks at me, I turn back to my notes and realize he was right. My mistake was playing it off, "I'm trying something new."

He doesn't like that, "don't say that."

I turn away from him when I feel tears prick in the corner of my eyes. I feel his cool hand grab mine. He seems to push my notebook away or something. I scratch my tears away and turn back to him. He leans in and I meet him halfway, standing from where I sat and pressing my lips on his cool ones.

His mom had already turned the air conditioning off, but he was still cold. I break away and pull the blankets on him up. He grabs my hand again and mutters, "I'll come back to you a healthy man, and finish college so we can get married and have healthy babies."

I hear his mom gasp.

The tears glassing my eyes blurred my vision. I blinked them away so I could see him better. My tears fall down to his blanket. I nod, "I'll wait."

He shakes his head, "not in this lifetime, okay?"

I let out a cry and bite my lip to shut myself up.

He wipes my tears and turns to his mom, "Is dad coming back soon?"

"Yes," his mom dashes to his side, "he's coming back with lunch any moment now."

He nods, "good. I want to tell him how much I love him."

His mom full on weeps now. Donghyuck grabs her hand and smiles at her, "I'm sorry I'm making you cry."

His mother shakes her head in disagreement.

"Thank you for giving birth to me and taking care of me even though I'm an adult."

She grabs her son's face and kisses it all around, "of course, baby. You're my only baby, and you will always be my baby."

Just then, his dad walks in with a plastic bag of food. Donghyuck's mother turns to him and calls his name. He immediately puts the food down and runs to his wife.

Donghyuck lets go of my hand and reaches out for his dad, "hi dad."

He takes his son's hand. "Hi son," his voice breaks and tears immediately stream down his eyes.

Donghyuck frowns, "I'm sorry I couldn't step up to be the man of the house."

He shakes his head, "you've always been the man of the house, son. You taught me a lot of things while you grew up."

Donghyuck pulls away and sighs, "I would have been a great dad, don't you think?" Hyuck turns to me then back to his dad. I immediately grab his hand again. He grips me back

"Better than your foolish old man."

"Ya," Donghyuck whispers, "I passed the hardest exam in the country. I get that from you."

For a brief moment, the three of us muffle our tears as Donghyuck relaxes his head and cries. His mother wipes his tears away.

Hyuck closes his eyes, "I'm sorry. I'm just so tired."

"It's okay baby. You can rest now. No more chemo. No more pain."

"That sounds nice," he exhales, “I’m glad won’t be buried bald.” 

No one reacts.

He chuckles, “Too soon? Sorry. Bad habit.” He opens his eyes one last time and smiles, "it would probably be to stupid to ask you all to smile for me one last time, right?"

We all break into bitter laughs and smile at him the best we could.

He smiles back and looks at each of us, "I love you, mom. I love you, dad. I love you, baby."

We all say I love yous back and he closes his eyes. It isn't long before his grip in my hand loosens.

His mother begins to wail.

I turn to his hand and suddenly resent the sight of my notes in front of me. When some tears drop on the open page, I choke on my heart, seeing that Donghyuck managed to write I love you in the middle of my statistics notes.

"That's about it," I say to the girl who still had her head on my lap. I ask her, "did you like the story, Poppy?"

"It's so sad," she cries out. I turn to her not realizing she was scratching tears away from her face. I immediately pick her up and bring her into my arms, "aw, my baby girl, I didn't know you were crying."

She cries on my shoulder and I rub her back, trying to soothe her.

I see Kun from inside. He locks eyes with me, raising a brow accusingly as he points and mouths, "is that Poppy?" I give him a knowing look and he then makes his way out to the backyard. He shakes his head in disapproval, "and here I thought your days of hating children had ended."

I turn to him as he sits down, “Do you think I chose to have kids with you if it hadn’t?”

He sighs and pouts, holding Poppy's little hand, "why are you crying, sweetheart?"

When she doesn’t respond, I answer, "I told her about Donghyuck."

Kun's face of worry contorts into sadness, "oh."

Poppy begins to call out, "eomma!"

"Dear lord, did you make her cry?" Jaemin calls when he sees us. The girl immediately recognizes the voice and turns to run to her father, "appa!"

Jaemin picks up his daughter and coddles her, "why are you crying, huh? Did auntie hurt you? Should I teach her a lesson?"

She shakes her head, "It's so sad."

"What's sad?"

"Your friend Donghyuck. He died like Chichi." Chichi was their dog who she had grown up with.

Jaemin turns from his daughter, me, then back to his daughter, "Ah, it is sad, isn't it? I cried to when it happened, the way I cried when Chichi died. They were both were hurt. Now they’re together somewhere beautiful and are playing fetch!"

"Appa, I don't want to get sick, or you, or eomma."

"Eomma?" Sana repeats as she makes her way to her husband and daughter. She places a hand on her pregnant belly as he daughter continues to cry. She pouts the cute way she always does, “is my strong girl crying? Did you get hurt?”

She quickly calms her daughter down my making faces and tickling her. It isn’t long after that Poppy eventually breaks into a laugh.

Kun and I watch the parents in astonishment, "they're good."

"Dude, I don't think we could ever do that."

Kun raises a brow, "Hey, we're gonna be great parents." He says placing a hand on my otherwise flat stomach, “we kinda don’t have a choice.”

I shake my head, "maybe you will be, but I don't know about me."

"Ya, like I said, I’ll be here for you, both of you, alright?"

I finally break my gaze away from Jaemin and Sana and turn back to Kun, giving him a peck on his lips. He pulls me into a quick embrace and stands, “come on, I have something to show you.”

Kun leads me inside the restaurant and brings me to a bulletin board with seemingly endless pictures and notes stuck on them. He points at a picture by the top of the board, “can you tell me who that is?”

I cover my mouth and instantly feel tears run down my face.

Kun chuckles softly and pulls me in close, kissing me on the cheek, “you told me you haven’t been here before.”

“I told that to Haechan too,” I mutter, “oh gosh. I had completely forgotten about it.”  I lean in to the picture, “look at how young I look.”

Kun laughs, “you’re acting like you’re 80.”

“WIth all the stress you put on my back, I feel like I am.”

Kun snorts, combing my hair and kissing my neck, “I won’t apologize for doing a good job, babe.”

We hear someone call for all the guests to come over, as Sana and Jaemin will finally be announcing what everyone came here for. We join the rest of the people in the party as Jaemin gets taught by a restaurant employee how to pop the party poppers.

We make a face at Jaemin’s confused face.

Kun shakes his head and whispers in my ear, “moron.” I laugh as Kun calls, “ask it the meaning of life?”

Jaemin gives Kun a knowing look as he brings the party popper close to his face, “YA! DON’T MESS THIS UP FOR ME!”

Everyone laughs, Sana especially practically beams.

We count down:

3

2

1

Jaemin turns to his wife, “ready?”

Sana nods and covers her ears, lips still curved into a smile.

Jaemin pops the confetti and a wave of pink bursts into the air. Sana giggles as she removes her hands from her ears and places her palms on her husband's face, giving him a kiss.

Jaemin picks up her daughter and bring her close to her mom, "you're going to have a sister!"

Poppy cheers, "YAY!!!!"

Kun and I cheer. Kun kisses my cheek, “that’s gonna be us soon.”

I turn to him and make a face, ”ew.”

He shakes his head and gives me another kiss.

[gaykarstaagforever]

I never actually bought this.

But I did today, from GOG.

On this:

2011 laptop, with Internet access from my phone's mobile hotspot.

Everything is slow as shit and like 50% of websites don't work anymore.

But, goddamn, it still WORKS!

I bought this game for $9.99 from GOG. They think I'm in New Jersey. I'm not remotely. I have no idea why my phone is telling them that. I tried to change my location and everything crashed. So I just said fuck it and paid the mythical New Jersey sales tax I don't owe. It was like a dollar so I paid $11 for this.

The payment processed immediately with my bank. No slowdown or delay there. ...Suspiciously.

I assumed it wouldn't even install. Even though it is a game from 2000, I assumed that GOG fiddled with it to make it run on modern systems, so I was screwed.

And I was. The "online installer" wouldn't work. It said it couldn't contact the GOG servers, probably to run some slick graphical interface this computer cannot hope to load. So no installation for me!

...Except, GOG also offers an "offline installer" on old games, which is basically just the original 20 yo installer. Which is frankly shocking and awesome.

And that downloaded, and it WORKED.

I installed the game. When I launched it, it auto-switched this old-ass copy of Windows to one that would work, and ran the game.

It works. It even plays all the cutscene videos properly.

The only problem seems to be resolution-related. In 800 x 400 on whatever drivers it has defaulted to, it occasionally just shows a white screen in-engine until I reload it.

But I decided to be adventurous and went up to the highest possible resolution (1024 × 768, I think), with highest effect settings, and it looks great and runs fine.

The only other issue is sometimes the map screen gets mad at the mouse drivers and starts zooming in and out in a panic until I wrestle it back to sanity.

But, man. I was gambling on this. I did NOT expect any of this to work.

Shout out to GOG for being the coolest gamer bros ever. This is insane, that they set this up so I can make it work on a 13 yo computer. At least so far.

Even if it fails for some reason later on, I am highly impressed. Who else in the corporate gaming space in 2024 would pay people to make sure something like this can happen?

"YOU COULD HAVE JUST PIRATED A FREE RIPPED COPY WHICH WOULD ALSO PROBABLY WORK FINE!"

Yes I could have. And maybe I should have. But instead I decided to reward GOG for the cool work they do, making it possible for us to legitimately own and play historical games on contemporary (and ancient) hardware.

Maybe that makes me a gaming cuck. But I feel like this type of profitable corporate preservation is at least a worthwhile option to support.

At least they have legal rights to this stuff, and money to support the servers that host it. Your friendly neighborhood Russian P2P hackers are not so reliable, even if their hearts are pure.

They apparently made a spinoff Homeworld game in 2000 about a virus that infects spaceships and melts all the people inside and turns them into nerves to run the spaceship like a living creature, which then goes out to infect other ships. And only some downtrodden group of space miners with crappy ships can stop this thing from eating the entire universe. It is apparently a really dark and atmospheric horror game, impressive considering it is literally just ships.

I didn't even know this was a thing until today. The hell.

It was originally called Homeworld: Cataclysm, but somehow Activision copyrighted that AFTER other people had already used it on games (?, explain this, lawyers), so now GOG is selling it as Homeworld: Emergence.

It isn't a remastered version, like the big Homeworld pack release they did 8 years ago or whenever. This is just as-was because it wasn't made by Relic.

I mean fine by me, the remaster used the Homeworld 2 engine for everything and I prefer the original, with all its lo-D jank. Plus that engine inexplicably still works on Windows, sometimes. If you're lucky.

Here is Mandalore talking about it, because no one but me is interested in actually playing this in 2023:

GOG link

[hostess-of-horror]

Damn... What about a little dirty bakerbon?

Like two assholes finding each other?👉🏻👈🏻

Just so to let you know, Anon, I don't write explicit NSFW smut. So... "dirty" may be not so "dirty".

For anyone else who wants to send me an ask, my writing will sometimes have suggestive things in it, but overall, they will not show sexual content. The closest I'll ever go is a make out session. I apologize, and I don't judge, but I want to keep it relatively clean.

But! I do like the BonBaker ship, and I have a fanfic currently in my drafts, so I'm taking your request! If you don't mind, I'm adding Vampire!Chef Saltbaker into this one.

Note: I am truly sorry that it took so long to finish up this ask! I had to get a new laptop to properly finish writing my stuff. Also, I'm pretty sure this is not what you wanted, but it's better than nothing I suppose...

Baroness and the Beast

Content Includes: Graphic Violence, Child Death, and Gore

When they first met, it was in Sugarland.

The autumn moon hung above in the night sky, illuminating the swirling, candied paths where three naughty children ran, fearing for their lives.

It was another hunt for the Baroness; they had broken the two most important rules of Sugarland: Never tell anyone about Sugarland and never, ever, ever take a bite from her candy castle.

With her castle, alive and sentient, rampaging its way towards the children, Baroness von Bon Bon had her eyes set on yet more sweet treats to devour.

The three children looked all so tasty, now that they were transformed into delicate little desserts.

The first child, being round and plump, morphed into a jelly-filled pastry, sprinkled and caramelized with sugar.

The second child became living licorice, braided into one giant stick, with her limbs all wobbly and too unstable to function.

The third child was perhaps the most delicious of them all: a beautifully crafted sundae dish, complete with chocolate syrup, neopolitan ice cream, sliced bananas, whipped cream, and a tiny cherry on top.

All these lovely sweet treats and they were all hers for the taking.

That is... until another visitor appeared during that night.

The mysterious visitor had taken the pastry one in one swift motion, almost going unnoticed by Bon Bon.

Bon Bon stopped the chase to find her missing victim, letting her castle to continue the chase.

She ran as fast as she could to catch up to him and the stranger, thus leading her all the way to a small forest of lollipops and candy canes.

There, with his hands, face, and teeth stained with gooey raspberry filling, was the mysterious stranger, hunched over the desecrated corpse of the first child.

The chest and abdomen were ripped apart, similar to that of a dissected dead frog, and the organs – liver, intestines, stomach, lungs – were carved out and splattered across the ground.

This grotesque sight did not cause the Baroness to flee in fear; shocked, yes, but not afraid.

The visitor rose to his feet, revealing himself to be a large, tall man made out of glass with salt filled inside his body.

His clothing was that of a chef's uniform, now stained from his feast, and his eyes were bright with a venomous yellow.

Bon Bon had never seen anyone quite like him before; in fact, she had never anyone who was a cannibal... just like her.

But the chef was not just a cannibal.

With voracious excitement, he lunged at the Baroness, his sharp fangs and claws bared, tackling her to the ground.

Hovering over her, the chef stared her down with his yellow eyes, breathing heavily.

Bon Bon could smell the sickly sweet aroma of his breath invading her senses.

Within moments, his breathing slowed, his senses coming to him as he realizes who he had pinned down.

“Baroness...?”

The chef, realizing the situation he was in, immediately jumped away from her.

The baroness did nothing but stare at him; all she could muster was to stare at him.

No words could describe how surprising – how relieving – it was to find this stranger in Sugarland.

Ever since the ancient curse was placed upon her, life had been very lonely for her.

Sure, she has the occasional naughty child who comes by and eats her sweet treats, but none of them had “similar tastes” like her.

Finally after moments of staring, Bon Bon finally spoke to him, her cheeks flushed with color.

“Hello... My name is Baroness von Bon Bon.”

The chef looked at her with confusion, “Are you... not scared of me?”

“Of course not! Anytime a visitor comes to Sugarland, I get so giddy inside!”

“Uh huh...”

“Aaaand I see that you caught one of my soon-to-be sweet treats! But I suppose he's yours now! That's fine, there's two more I can devour! Soooooo... how was he? Wasn't he just scrumptious?”

“He... he was. Very much so. Wait, you eat them?”

“Oh yeah, all the time! Well, only after they've been turned into sweet treats, that is.”

“Huh... And you do realize that I'm a...”

“Hmm? Oh, oh! Lemme guess! Ummm... Ah! You're a vampire!”

“Yeah...”

The baroness gasped, her gleefulness getting to the best of her.

A real, living vampire! Here in Sugarland!

Surely, Bon Bon must be dreaming!

Clapping her hands together, Bon Bon lept to her feet and went to hug him; the chef, taken by surprise, hesitantly hugged her back.

“Oh! Sorry about that! I got a bit excited! You have no idea how much of a big, big fan I am of people like you!”

“Really? Usually people would either be terrified or dismiss the entire thing as fiction.”

“Yeah, but I'm not like other people! Not at all!”

“I can tell.”

“Say, what's your name, stranger?”

“Saltbaker, my lady. Chef Saltbaker – the greatest chef in all of Inkwell Isles!”

“Nice to meet you, Saltbaker!”

After the two had properly introduced each other, they spent the night hunting the rest of the children throughout Sugarland.

The licorice child was caught by the baroness, chopped into tiny, chew-able bits by her candy cane staff.

The sundae child was slaughtered by Chef Saltbaker, torn into a messy, creamy slop of sugary goodness, chocolate, and whipped cream.

Since their candied gore-infested feast that moonlit night, the Baroness had fallen for the Beast.

[coalitiongirl]

Fic Recs (under 300 edition)

So I wanted to get back to reading Swan Queen fic regularly, and I asked people to rec longfic that they'd read (not written) and loved that had fewer than 300 kudos! I haven’t read most of these, but I’ve collected them here so y’all can go through the list and discover some new fics with me! Please try to kudos and review every fic that you read! It means the world to the writers and will keep em writing, and then we all win. 😁

Atonement by SgtMac (M): With Regina's magical heart failing thanks to years of previous evil, Emma and Regina and Henry (and Granny!) set out to save her life by traveling to the Enchanted Forest and requesting help from ancient magical beings known as the Guardians. Given a mission as simple as it is impossible - to achieve atonement by creating peace - the ladies find themselves joining a rebellion and fighting for the very soul of the Enchanted Forest all while trying to help Regina to understand that the self-loathing and guilt which have driven most of her actions don't have to doom her chance for a new beginning or even, a chance to live and love again. A S4(ish) SQ love story set against the turmoil of war and the chaotic savagery of the old world.

Blood and Sand by cheshire6845 (E): A/U The Savior is a slave forced into the role of fighting as a gladiator for the House of Hearts. The odds are against her survival as she will have to win in the arena, navigate Cora's schemes, outlast a general's vengeance, and not be killed out of spite by the current House of Hearts Champion - Regina the Undefeated. This story follows the major plot points of Starz Spartacus with some twists along the way.

But what if there was no time by KizuRai (M): When she wakes up, it's dark. She can't move, she can't see, she can't feel and she can't hear. Where am I? She feels a forceful oppression, pressing her down, draining her of her energy and she's powerless to stop it. How did I get here? The question of here is relative, she's not even sure where here is. What happened? There must be some reason for being stuck here but her memory is fuzzy, like all her thoughts are being sifted through a filter. Who am I? She's not sure if she actually exists or she suddenly became sentient in the darkness.She hears a voice reverberating in the distance, it's distorted and quiet but she hears it all the same. It breaks the monotony of the silence. Someone's coming for her, they will get her out. She's just not sure she wants them to as the price might be too great.

Finding Home by evl_rgl (T): “I wanted to remember you so badly that I pulled back your cursed town just so that the memories would make sense. I needed you so badly that even when I had no memory of you, I still tried to find you.” Regina gave Emma and Henry memories of a happy life together before they fled Pan’s curse, leaving them with no memories of their lives in Storybrooke. However, when the memory spell shows signs of failing, threatening to rip apart the minds of both Emma and Henry, Regina makes a drastic choice to go back and fix it, understanding that it will mean living alone in a world where her son doesn’t know her. Was the spell really faulty, though? (swanqueen)

Five Flames by MariaComet (U): In the past, Emma Nolan disconnected from her peers in high school, preferring to keep to herself. In her sophomore year of high school, she decided to try and join the boy’s wrestling team because she was bored. She didn’t expect herself to become the champion of the most bullied kid in school or the secret best friend of the school queen. She also didn’t expect to join a club that would change her life. In the present, Emma is trying to cope with a humiliating loss in her martial arts career. She claims to be “training” but is stuck in limbo between wanting to retire and try again. She is isolated from her former best friend, Regina Mills, a local celebrity chef and the rest of her old friends. When one of them calls her with an idea to honor their deceased teacher, she is confronted with unresolved feelings and questions about how powerful love truly is.

A Glamour of Truth by PrincessCharming (T): After 2x10, Regina uses magic to show Emma the obvious truth. A tentative trust forms between them amid hilarious bickering. With Emma's help, Regina struggles to regain a place in her son's life... until Cora arrives, wanting her daughter back. Pieces of Regina's past emerge showing that the board was set long before the game started. The final battle begins soon.

His Dark Materials 'verse by MoonlitMidnight (M): A modern Alternate Universe in which Dæmons (the external physical manifestation of a person's 'inner self' that takes the form of an animal) are present. In which Emma and Regina have led slightly different lives and they make slightly different choices.

How Many Miles to Avalon? (WIP) by RavenOutlander (E): Regina would do anything to save Emma from the darkness and bring her back home safe and sound. Even put up with the two idiots, Captain Guyliner and a bunch of dwarves she decidedly wanted to drop off at the nearest exit. But in their search for Emma, they find that she might not need that much saving after all. Caught up in a search for the infamous Philosopher Stone, an all out war between DunBroch and Camelot, and ghosts from the past to haunt her every waking moment, Regina finds herself scrambling to keep her and her family's happy endings from falling apart.

The Hyperion by FrankenSpine (M): After wishing upon what she believes is a shooting star, Emma Swan finds herself aboard the Hyperion, the royal starship of an alien Queen from a faraway galaxy. She quickly learns of the tensions between the Queen's people and her own, but the Queen takes an interest in her and agrees to take her away from Earth forever. Adventure awaits. *(Loosely based on Guardians of the Galaxy with just a hint of Farscape)*

If Wishes Came True (It Would've Been You) by Angeii_K (M): After Regina films a guest appearance on her friend Neal’s popular show, he invites her to spend the weekend with him and his girlfriend. What she never expected was to actually like the woman. Sparks fly between the two, which results in them questioning everything and making choices they will later regret. 4 years later, they meet again in the most unexpected of ways. Now co-stars on the same show, they are forced to work through the emotions from their last encounter. What will happen next? Only time will tell.

The King Doesn’t Have To Know (WIP) by highheelsandchocolate (M): The White Knight had never seen anyone like her before: the Queen was nothing short of mesmerizing. Her possessive yet neglectful husband, however, was another thing entirely.

The Lich by Dangereaux (M): Gay disaster Emma, exasperated Regina, and a monster. A Halloween special.

Maybe if We Close Our Eyes we Can Reach the Stars by wellthizizdeprezzing (T): Emma is a lonely astronaut. Regina is an adventuring alien. Their paths cross leading them onto a journey of new discovery. Between galaxies and many miles of cold black space, despite not speaking the same language, they manage to fall for each other. An out of this world love story.

A prisoner long forgotten by sugarsweet_19 (M): ‘I wish I had a child as white as snow, as red as blood and as black as the wood of the window-frame. Soon after she had a little girl, who was as white as snow, with lips as red as blood and with her hair as black as the ebony of the window-frame. She was therefore called Snow-white.” This is how our story starts but how will it end?The evil queen as been locked up in a tower and forgotten that is until princess Emma looks for a place to hid from her parents after they tell her she has to marry Neal the son of the dark one.

Revenge of the Three Little Pigs by mskyo (M): Regina and Emma find themselves alone and looking for the rest of their party. The Evil Queen must face the consequences of her past actions. Will Emma come to her aid, or understand that justice must be served... *Some chapters have fairly graphic sex, and violence*

Things I Almost Remember by cheshire6845 (T): A/U Despite an oncoming war between the Dark and the Light, Emma and Regina are best friends growing up in the Enchanted Forest. When war does come, they find themselves on opposite sides. Regina will have to defy her mother to save Emma. Will Emma be able to save Regina when Cora curses her daughter to live in the Land without Magic?

What We Make (WIP) by DiazTuna (M): “My mother.” He says calmly. He’d known all along, she’s aware. But he’d known that today would be the day that would get this going. She wants to ask what it was like, to have woken up this morning, laced up his boots and walked into hell just knowing. “It’s programmed the cyborg to kill her. Before I have a chance to be born.” -In which the leader of the future sends his best soldier back to the past to save his mother from a killer cyborg. Terminator AU.

The Wrong Way by pcworth (M): Takes place right after Zelena steals Regina's heart. Zelena offers Regina a chance to go back in time with her and change both of their lives for the better. But what will be the price of that decision. Slow-burn to SwanQueen

zombie trash by 13pens (T): Zelena could have her brain and eat it, too. Fic operates on three premises 1. this takes place in any universe where zelena is a reformed asshole 2. zombies are a thing and exist iZombie style 3. i have NO chill

[mimikip-stuff]

Pokemon ⚡Violet⏳ Synopsis

Okay so I beat the main stories and after story of Pokemon Violet! Here are my personal thoughts on the game:

*Warning for spoilers*

From the start, the graphics were okay. When the npcs are in the further background, it looks like something out of the N64 days- and Kirby 64 looked better on the console itself

Controls were pretty good, felt pretty smooth for the most part. Riding Miraidon felt nice, there wasn't too much trouble. The only thing that bugs me is the glide. You glide at a nice sloping descent before falling down at a steeper angle and you pretty much fall straight down with no chance to slow yourself. I wish it was more like PLA, where you could dash and control how you glided through the sky

Arven and Penny were my favorite NPCs and storylines. Penny reminded me of my old middle school friends and there was a sense of wanting to care for and protect her. Arven, while having parental issues, was also dealing with trying to save his doggo partner Mabosstiff who he has had since he was a child. That need of wanting to help the only real family he had spoke so deeply to me. Because that proves that family doesn't have to be biological. Family can be your best friend or the pet you have, whoever you have close bonds with. And as an animal lover, I teared up when that part happened.

Okay- let's talk Nemona. I personally did not like her all that much. Her character trait is that she likes battling- and that's it. That's all she likes. Just combat. There's no real personality to her. She was more annoying to me than anything else. She didn't have any character growth or arc like the others did. Again, this is just my own view of things.

I know some people will complain and argue that some of the Pokemon designs are lackluster and "going downhill". Need I remind you that Gen 1 had very not so great designs too- Geodude and Voltorb are examples. I actually didn't mind the designs of the newer Pokemon! Meowscarada was a decent bipedal evolution for Sprigatito, but it could use a bit more detail. Miraidon was adorable, I loved Fuecoco, the Tinkaton line was simple and effective, and I enjoyed the Paradox Pokemon! My favorite is Iron Valiant, the way they combined Gallade and Gardevoir was so well done with just the right amount of detail from both evolutions.

Speaking of the Paradox Pokemon, let's talk the afterstory. Holy crap. The fact that the real professor died in an accident and was succeeded by an android they created to assist them was crazy. I don't think we've had a game where you fight the professor as a final boss- usually it's the champion or your rival or something. The turn this game took with the ending was shocking and I am here for it. I really wish there was a moment between the AI Professor and Arven where they hugged each other goodbye. That would've ripped my heart out even more and provided some form of comfort to Arven knowing that despite everything, that one moment of tenderness was what he needed to know his parent loved him. (Side note- the Professor's spouse walked out on them after Arven was born, which was even crazier when you realize that it's what started his abandonment issues

Then we come to the final thing on the list: the Ruinous Quartet Pokemon. Four cursed artifacts that became Pokemon and were sealed away for fear of their strength and the destruction they caused. It makes me wonder why they're a thing in the game. Will we eventually get more story on them? Will they become more prominent as time goes on? As for their oppositions, I strongly believe they were designed to oppose the Swords of Justice. Think about it- the Quartet are Dark Types and the Swords are Fighting. Then add the elemental types and they match the weaknesses of the Swords perfectly. It's just a theory, but there's some ideas behind it

Overall, I think the game wasn't too bad. It wasn't that glitchy for me and I had an enjoyable time playing. People were diverse, story was good, and gameplay wasn't half bad. I'll give this game a 7/10- good, but could be better. At least with the graphics issues and Pokemon going through walls XD

Give me your thoughts as well! Do you agree or disagree with anything I mentioned? Add your thoughts in the comments or reblogs, I'd love to hear what you think!