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yueisyum · 2 years

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Don’t Think About It. (Part three)

Genre♥️college au/vacation au, enemies(not really) to fwb to lovers

Parings☎️haechan/donghuck x conflicted reader

Warnings🚨mentions of / alcohol consumption, and Use of nicknames, angsty!!!! Arguing? Sadness? Angst!!! Talking about love and the fear of love! (Philophobia)

Notes📌 This the part three, obviously. There is no smut, but there will be in part four. Yes, there will be a part four. This one is quite short, but that’s because I didn’t want to switch back to the college au in the middle of the same fic. So stay tuned for part four. And please don’t be shy, share your thoughts!

Ever since you were a kid, you made rules for yourself. Adding them as you grew older. And changing them as you experienced. Everyone has rules, wether they realize it or not.

Your rules were basic and simple. Crafted to perfection. And there were also some you didn’t even realize existed:

1. Boys have cooties(except for Johnny) << especially johnny

2. No falling behind <<< (school)

3. Date to marry experience <<< (boys)

4. Don’t be venerable <<< (liars)

5. Privacy is power

6. Stop being so understanding

7. Don’t allow others to love you (no “I love you”’s)

8. Don’t fall on love too quickly

Rule seven had a couple different reasons. Reasons that we don’t need to get into right now. But everyone who has ever “loved” you, didn’t seem to love you enough to stay; ripping pieces each time one of them left. So, you refuse to allow others to feel for you. Not truly. Always subconsciously inviting people into your life, people you know couldn’t hurt you.

But naturally, rules are meant to be broken.

Falling behind in school around the holidays.

Trusting too easily.

Being too understanding/to forgiving.

And allowing others to say those words to you. “I love you”. And you would continuously, stupidly believe them. nothing had changed. Your were always the stupid one, the girl who never understood who she was to people.

But you had rules, rules you tried your best to follow… until haechan.

•••

Muffled Music blared your ears, drawing you from your sleep. It was still dark out, but Haechan was still next to you. You were tired, but relived to feel his presence.

“What time is it?” you ask, Not bothering to check if he was awake.

“Don’t know” he responded, his voice far from tried or drowsy. You drew back to look at him, his body facing you. Haechans eyes find yours as soon as they come into view.

“Have you been awake?” You ask, your brows pinch together, He tried to act as if he had also just woken up. “Huh? No?”

You slightly sit up on the bed. “You totally were- you were watching me sleep!” You announce with a grin on your face.

“No, that would be creepy, and boring. On the other hand, watching you shower-“ you punch him and settle back down into the bed with a soft laugh. He winces but joins you in your laughter nonetheless.

“As much as I’m enjoying this…” heachan began, turning over to sit up straight. “…And believe me, I am” looking down at you with a stupid smirk. He continued “I’m afraid you have to go”

You paused for a moment.

Was all of this really just sex? You can’t believe that you let your mind slip- to forget that this isn’t real, for this long at that.

It’s just two friends helping each other out.

You reminded yourself.

Haechan pouted when he saw the look on your face, afraid you got the wrong idea. “Jenos been blowing up your phone. He’s wondering why you’re not joining the party, or why he can’t find you” He informs, hoping to ease the thoughts he knows have filled your mind. Your phone was in his hands, and you grabbed it. Looking through the notifications, you curse yourself- or Jeno actually.

Oh- Damn you jeno! What could he possibly need right now?

You sigh dramatically into your palms.

“I know” he said, his smile growing wider. “I wouldn’t want to leave me either”

You rolled your eyes and scouted from underneath the covers and his side. “Now you’ve ruined it.”

“Just as I intended” he chuckled, leaning back against the headboard, watching you make your way to the door.

It physically pained you to leave him. But you won’t acknowledge it more then that.

“Y/n?”

“Hyuck?”

“You can keep my shirt, it looks sexier on you”

“Ass” You replied, and grin plastered on your face, against your will. Then you opened the door and left with your phone in hand, making your way down the hallway.

The music slowly picking up in volume as you made your way into the kitchen/living room area. Though you saw almost no one. Until you peaked out the sliding doors to the backyard. Finally finding the sources of the music, along with at least 20 other people. Some people in the pool, some people grilling or just playing games. You smiled to yourself, you can feel that everyone was having a good time.

You decide you should change before joining them. As you make your way to your own room.

You think for a moment, you should probably check your phone.

JenO

______________________________________

|| JenO -

Hey, we are back from the store

Delivered

Where you at?

Delivered

y/n?

Delivered

Chaewon said she saw you with haechan, are you two talking?

Delivered

y/n it’s been 2 hours, are you ok?

Delivered

______________________________________

Damn it.

You enter your room, beginning to type all kinds of apologizes into your phone, when you look up to see Jeno sitting in your bed. “Jeno?”

He looks up from his phone to see you standing in the doorway… in heachans shirt…

“Looks like you two did more then just talk huh?” He was smiling, but he sounded agitated. And you can’t blame him.

“Sorry, I feel asleep”

“In his room?”

“Yeah…? Is that bad?” You finally enter the room to join him on your bed. He clears his throat while making room for you to sit next to him. “No, I mean- I don’t know” He answers, not looking at you. “I talked to Shihyun” he informs. You whip your head to look at him. His eyes still don’t meet yours. “She wants to try again” Jeno’s hands are fidgeting with his phone case. Waiting for your reaction.

“That’s great! Why aren’t you out there with her? I saw her in the pool.”

“Was looking for you”

“Why”

He finally turns to you. “Um, just wanted you to know that… that I’ve moved on”

“What!? From Shihyun? Wha- didn’t you just say-“

“-no not her, I love her” he interrupted quickly correcting your thoughts. You look at him confused. It sorta felt weird to hear him say those words. You didn’t like those words, but for some reason… hearing him share his heart to you about Shihyun made you feel as sense of adoration towards him. “Then what have you moved on from?”

“I-um… just- It doesn’t matter, just felt like I needed to say it out loud to you, it’s been suffocating me… but I’m happy that I found Shihyun, she really makes me really happy”

You can’t help but smile. Who needed kdramas when you have this? “And I also wanted to say that… uh… you mean a lot to me y/n, you are such an amazing friend, so encouraging and un-judgmental. I really appreciate you. Even if I mistook those feelings before.. I understand them now.”

You think for a moment, trying to make sense of his words. “What the heck are you going in about Jeno? Your not making any sense.” You laugh and stand up to begin looking for clothes. “I’m sorry, don’t worry about it. It doesn’t need to make sense to you, I just need to say it.”

“It’s Okay, don’t apologizes, I understand. Thanks for feeling comfortable enough to tell me” you smile while picking out an outfit to join the others in. Jeno watches you concentrate.

“I love you”

it was almost a whisper, you didn’t even hear it. He didn’t want you to. He knows how you feel about those three words. But he needed to say it. Out loud.

He really does love you, but not romantically- like he thought he did. But As a friend. As a person he was never scared to go to for help or advice. He loved you, and he would never leave you.

He smiles thinking about how lucky he is to have a friend like you.

“Okay I’ll go join the others.. meet us out there when your done changing.” He ends his rant with a pat to your head, making his way to the door. You nod and begin to change.

…

When you made you way outside, you find yuta and Yejun laughing at a joke Jisung must have made. Because he looked super proud of himself. His posture straightened, and he is puffing his chest out. Adorable.

Other groups of people, that your sure you’ve seen before, fill up the back patio.

Music and conversations fill your ears as you make your way towards the three. “Hey! Y/n! Nice of you to finally join us!” Yejun greets you with a smile and Jisung runs to hug you. “I feel like it’s been ages!”

“It’s been a couple hours ji” but you reciprocate nonetheless. “Jeno was looking for you” yuta informs with a small head nod. “Yeah I talked to him” you shrug and turn around to face the noise. Towards the People talking, and Shihyun and Chaewon are messing around in the pool. Isn’t it freezing?

“Y/n!”

You turn to your right to see Johnny running over. You try not to laugh when you realize he looks like a typical college jock. His hair is wet? Or maybe sweaty? There’s a drink in his hand and his jog looks ridiculous. Then you compare it to a dog, who’s just got done playing with the hose and you snicker even more. “What’s up?” You give Johnny a half hug and he takes another drink form his cup. Yejun and jisung continue whatever conversation they were having before you showed up. When you look back to Johnny, his face was slightly red and he couldn’t stand straight for the life of him.

He’s definitely drunk.

“Where’s haechan?” He asks, his voice is an octave louder so you can hear him over the music.

You don’t know why the the mention of his name threw you off. You felt odd. “How would I know?” You respond with a shrug. Johnny gives you the most unamused look you’ve ever seen. “Don’t give me that bullshit, you can’t tell me you two weren’t together this whole time” you slap at Johnny’s shoulder and glare at Him. “You talk really loud”

Johnny let’s out a laugh and hands you his drink. “Here hold this, he’s probably in his room, I’ll go get him.” Before you can even respond, Johnny’s running off, towards the sliding doors leading back inside the lodge.

You just stand there and look around once more. Haechan probably wants to sleep, you should’ve told Johnny that, but he’ll find out on his own.

When you spot Jeno and Shihyun in the pool, you can’t help but smile. She’s sitting on top of his shoulders, playing a game of chicken with another couple. Your smile grows when Shihyun wins and yells in victory. Cute!

•••

The rest of the night consisted of you drinking and talking with Chaewon and Yami. Chaewon was going on a rant about how people who ‘don’t like alcohol’ are ‘pussies’ or whatever. You laugh all throughout her tangent because the only person who came to mind was Jaemin. “Y/n, do you want to come with me to get more drinks?” Chaewon asks with a pout, her face was round but so perfectly defined, and her outfit looked absolutely amazing on her. You smile to her direction and nod. She always amazes you, her beauty, her amazing personality, she had no flaws. You admire her. “Where are they?” You ask.

“They are over by- Haechan! over there!!” Chaewon pointed towards the coolers that were stationed next to the grill. Jaemin, haechan and mark were all over there. When you saw him, you couldn’t look away.

You didn’t really think he would be joining the party, but there he was. He was wearing a black t-shirt and loose sweatpants. For a moment you felt hurt. Why wouldn’t he come to you? Does he not want to talk to you? Or spend time with you. Even after you two had sex? Is he avoiding you now? Is it’s awkward?

Then you had to mentally stop yourself:

This cannot be Happening.

You should not care about what he’s doing.

You shouldn’t care about what he’s wearing.

You shouldn’t be upset that he didn’t choose to find you first.

You should not care about Lee Donghyuck…

Then your faces with his eyes in yours. A flash of cold rushed throughout your body. You whip your head back to Chaewon so fast, your vision almost went blurry. Curse the gods, Haechan just caught you looking at him. It took almost all your strength not to drown yourself in the pool in-front of you. “Okay let’s go” Chaewon didn’t seem to notice the small interaction, maybe it’s all in your head. But that moment felt like it lasted forever. She hops up from the small pool chair and held her hand out to you.

“Actually, I don’t think I should get up-“

“-Why?”

Her eyebrows cutely pinch together and her smile drops to a frown. “Yami should go with you, my head really hurts” you squeeze your eyes shut and bring a hand to your head, as if in pain. “What? Girl- let’s gooo” she grabs at your hand and drags you to your feet. “Yami, you too, let’s go” then Chaewon pulls you along as she makes her way around the pool.

As your walking up to the group of boys, you notice Haechan’s eyes following your figure. God this is embarrassing. He has this stupid knowing look on his face, and you almost jumped in the pool. Instead you look at the water and the people in it, refusing to look up, or take any chances of making eye contact with him again. You don’t want things to be awkward, you just want to act normal.

WHY CANT YOU ACT NORMAL!?

“Haechan, where have you been all night?” Chaewon presses as she opens the cooler and grabs some cans of beer. “In my room” he starts, his eyes flicker to you, giving you a smile then back to Chaewon “you look nice” he smiles at her and she beamed in response. “Thank you” her dramatic giggle makes the group laugh in unison.

Woah. At least he smiled at you. He’s definitely trying his hardest to act normal. But you can tell he doesn’t know what to do either. You cough awkwardly, you didn’t mean too. Your trying your hardest to not draw attention to yourself, but that’s all haechan is giving you… attention.

“Are we planning on partying all night it’s almost 4 in the morning” mark begins.

You shouldn’t have been upset that he called Chaewon pretty, or griping at your arms, and holding yourself like this, or burning up this easily. You wished he would’ve said those words to you. The only thoughts that can fill your mind now are him. He isn’t looking at you anymore, his gaze is now fixed on Chaewons and Yami, you sigh in relie, but at the same time, you feel overwhelmed with emotions. Maybe he thought you wanted space? That wouldn’t be a reach, but he’s wrong, if that’s the case.

“We don’t have any other plans! I could go for 12 more hours!” Yami replies, and once again the group laughs.

So wrong.

“I’ll probably head inside soon” heachan informs with a sip of his drink.

“What you just got out here!?” Chaewon complains with a pout. The conversation continued on, and you stopped keeping track of it. Lost in your own mind once again.

Maybe he is satisfied, that’s what he wanted right? You helped him out, and he’s satisfied. But your not, you want more then that. More then sex. And you’re not pushing it down this time, your allowing yourself to feel it, maybe it’s the alcohol? Or the cold that made you feel alone, more then usual.

“Y/n?” You blink to he direction of your name. to Johnny. “Yes?” You drop your arms to the side in order to seem natural, ignoring the air that creeped up your skin, causing goosebumps.

It’s freezing.

“Aren’t you going to go with them?” Mark asks, as he gestures his hand behind you.

“Who?”

“Chaewon and Yami? They left already? …Are you drunk?” He questioned, scanning your face. You glance over at mark and Haechan, then behind you. Chaewon and Yami have made their way halfway around the pool now.

When did that happen?

Haechan eyes you suspiciously, almost asking you ‘what’s wrong?’. You send him a reassuring smile. That didn’t seem as awkward as before, and you felt relieved. “Yeah I think I am, I should probably go lay down” you blink twice more, preparing yourself to walk, and turn on your heal, heading straight for the sliding doors that lead back inside.

Is it bad that you wanted to be alone with him again? Jeno had already talked to you, there’s no longer a reason to be out here. can’t you two go back into his room? In His bed? Is that weird? Would that be weird?

When you make your way back inside, you plop down in the couch and take a couple deep breaths. Did he not think YOU looked nice?! Why didn’t he compliment YOU? I mean of course Chaewon looked perfect but-

Nonononono Nono quit it. Stop!

you feel so unbelievably confused. Every feeling is so unexplainable. Jealous? Annoyed, hurt? Alone? Tired? Drunk? Flustered? It’s all too much!

Just two friends helping each other out.

“Y/n?”

“What?!” You respond frustrated, you didn’t realize how upset you felt until your tone left your mouth. You lift your head to the person in front of you to apologize. Haechan stood there, with a cup in his hand and a surprised look on his face. You hesitate for a moment. Looking away, to spare yourself some dignity.

“Sorry, I was just-“

“-Thinking?”

“Yeah”

“You do that too much” he smiles and sits next to you. When he did, you felt your heart calm, your skin and muscles relax. And your brain stoped running so fast. It felt as if you just took some kind of drug. Intoxicating your senses.

“How much did you drink?” Haechan’s head is facing yours on the couch, you turn to him and realize the distance between you two is non existent. “Two” you mumble, distracted by this familiar position.

“Two? Two what?” Haechan chuckles at your absent mindedness. “Two… somethings, I don’t remember” you shake your head and turn back to look at the blank tv. “Hm interesting. Do you want some water? There’s some in the fridge-“

“- Nono, no water” your head shakes faster at the thought of his presence leaving you. “Okay” he chuckles again. Your lost, you don’t know what to say, or what to do. Your just… lost. You’ve never felt this feeling, it’s foreign. And it terrifies you. Your scared that you have no control over your words or actions anymore.

His body, his heat, his comfort, and safety saturated you. He fed the parts of you that are needy and starved. He grounded you and you wanted more. Then you realized that its Haechan that made you feel less alone.

And as selfish as it was, you hoped you wouldn’t be alone ever again.

“Hey…”

This is all too much…

…To much, all at once…

“…Y/n”

He smells like.. like him. And he’s so warm, almost like he’s been living on the sun for the past couple of months.

Haechan:

Full sun

Makes sense.

“Y/n” he calls once more, this time turning to you, probably checking to see if your are still alive or breathing.

“Yes?” You finally respond and look to him. “Your cutting off my circulation” he smiles and you look down at his arm. Your hands wrap around his bicep, gripping onto him like you’ll fly away if you let go. “Sorry”

When did that happen?

“It’s okay, just relax”

“I’m relaxed” you lighten your grip and rest your head on his shoulder. “Did you catch feelings yet?” He teased with smirk, you laugh lightly, your eyes remaining on the blank tv, as if there’s something playing.

Yes you did.

“You wish”

And yes he does.

“Did you?” You ask looking up at him. His gaze remains on the blank screen.

“Not a chance” he answers with a smile.

“Good” you nod and blink away thoughts that you wish would quit reappearing at the worst times. “Do you regret it?” Haechan asked, this time his voice is almost at a whisper. Haechan is a person who needs a lot of reassurance. And your not very good at that kind of thing… but you’ll try for his sake.

“No” he nods at your response this time, remaining quite as you make yourself comfortable- practically cuddling him.

You then slouch further into the sofa, into him. You can hear his breaths, they’re calm and paced. You try your hardest to match his, almost dying in the process. When you start panting, Haechan begins laughing. And you join him. That was ridiculous.

“Y/n? Do you remember my last birthday?”

“The one when we all went to that terrible restaurant? And Jisung threw up?”

“Yeah, but after that, when we ended up getting take out, at your place?”

“Yeah? Why?”

“When I joined you on your balcony, did you mean what you said?” Oh no. No no no no. Gosh this can’t be happening, everything was going so well.

“What do you mean?” You front, your body stiffens and your eyes shut to prepare for impact.

“The words you said, did you mean them?”

Yes… yes you did. But you can’t tell him that. He can’t know that. “I don’t remember any of that” you shake your head, trying your best to end the conversation.

“You don’t?” You feel his head turn to look down at you. You try your best to act as nonchalant as possible.

“No? Maybe your confused with someone else”

“Impossible”

You bite at your lip and curl your fingers into a fist to ground yourself.

“You told me that you only befriend people you knew couldn’t give you what you needed. Because.. you didn’t want to feel like you’ve lost something- you know if they ever left-”

“I did?” Yes you did…

“Yes. Then I asked if you didn’t think I was capable of giving you what you needed…”

“You did?”

“Yes. And you told me that you never actually choose me…”

“Hm-“

“-what did you mean by that?”

You meant that: heachan was capable of giving you everything you’ve ever wanted or needed, and that terrified you, so you would never have chosen him. He just entered your life, and there was nothing you could do about it but pray he would never leave. But alas, that’s not something y/n would ever admit. So you won’t.

“I’m- I don’t know. I don’t remember that”

“You weren’t drunk… you never explained what you meant and we- we kissed. do you remember-”

Yes.. god yes. You remember it like it happened just now. You remember thinking about how you would never bring it up. About how you would have to learn to forget about it. But of course Haechan won’t allow you to. He did, for a while, you assume he’s probably tired of you acting as if these moments never happened.

“-No, no. No we didn’t” you begin to shake your head again, your body moves to sit up and away from him. Your panicking.

“We did-“ haechan follows you, sitting up to look at you in the eyes. “-no we didn’t, you must have me mixed up with someone else-“

His eyebrows furrow together, you can almost taste the frustration building in his head. “I wouldn’t mix you up with anyone… who else could it have been-“

“Chaewon-“

“No, it was you. I would never kiss Chaewon” he shakes his head this time, his eye close to ensure his seriousness.

“But you called her pretty”

“That doesn’t mean I would ever kiss her-“

“-But you would kiss me?” You challenge, with a scoff. You turn your body to face him in the couch. Both of you are obviously heated and neither of you are willing to be completely honest with yourself a or each other. He doesn’t answer… because yes he would, but are you ready to hear those words… no.

“Exactly-“

“Why are you refusing to accept it?”

“I’m not-“

“You are” his gaze on you becomes more angry then upset or frustrated. You look at him for a moment longer before ripping your eyes away from his piercing ones. “I just don’t remember that” you cross your arms over your chest and try your hardest to look at verything in the empty living room but him.

“No, your choosing not to…forget it, that’s not what’s important Right now. I just want to know what you meant by that… that I’m incapable of-“ he begins, but you refuse to hear him say those words, so you give in… sorta.

“-I didn’t- I just… I don’t know, I wouldn’t have chosen you, if that’s what you’re asking”

“Because?” Haechans eyes flicker between yours, hoping your gaze will answer the questions you’re refusing to.

“Because… just because” you tried to think of a response for a moment, but the only one that came to mind was the one you didn’t want him to hear. When he continues to glare at you, you give in once more. Turning to him and letting out a sigh you explain yourself to the best of your ability: “Because your a good person, and I knew that if you left me… I would lose something”

“Something? What do you mean by something?” His face changes in almost an instant. Like you’ve said before, Haechan is someone who needs a lot of reassurance, and your not very good at explaining your feelings.

“This is stupid” you turn away from him once again, and he absolutely hates it.

“What would you have lost.. if I ever left you?”

“Why are you asking me this?”

“Why won’t you answer me?”

“It doesn’t matter, I don’t need you using it against me.”

“Against you? What does that mean!?” If you were actually looking at him, you would’ve seen how hurt he looked at those words.

“Just stop”

“Stop what? Being confused? Because that’s kinda your fault” he tries to laugh but he can’t.

“I don’t want to have this conversation anymore”

“Why do you keep treating me like I’m your enemy? I wouldn’t use anything ‘against’ you, or leave you.. ever” he tries to look at you in the eyes, but you refuse.

“Okay”

“Okay? That’s it?” Now he’s mad.

“Stop dragging this on haechan” you drop your hands from around you and glare at him.

“Haechan? Y/n what the hell?” He didn’t mean to yell, but he was upset, angry, sad, offended? All of them! You can’t do this anyMore, your not ready to have this conversation. It all escalated so quickly, you didn’t have time to think properly.

“I’m going to bed” you bring yourself to your feet and grab your phone to leave. You know haechan won’t force you to stay, but that doesn’t mean he won’t try to convince you to.

“Y/n.. y/n wait let’s finish this conversation, please.” He look up at you and watches you walk around the other couch and towards the hallway. Your upset, you know you shouldn’t have let yourself get this heated, and you know you shouldn’t have let that conversation go the way it did.

“I’m drunk and tired is this isn’t the best time to be talking to me”

“That isn’t fair, y/n..”

When you made it to your bedroom you sit on one of the beds, bringing your knees to your chest and stared into space.

You feel like such an idiot.

But it can no longer be avoided, the longer you spend with haechan, the more you realize you can’t live without him.

How could you have let yourself get this far with him!?

You had rules.

But then again, rules are made to be broken.

Taglist:

@nctzennikki09 @mings-cafe @gaeulswrld @chimiwimi @aliceinwhateverland

In all honesty, I’ve done better, however, the Juicy parts are in part four… so🤷‍♀️ yeah! Please let me know if you have any:

Questions

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323 notes · View notes

nonuwhore · 2 years

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#o cenário com o heachan acabou atraindo mais menores do que eu pessoalmente queria #pensando seriamente em não postar mais fluff nessa conta #atualizei a bio pra ver se fica mais claro.

3 notes · View notes

ch3rryc4ndy · 2 years

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Rainy Day

Relationship - boyfriend haechan X Fem reader

Genre - smut and semi fluff

Summary - A rainy day with you snuggling into your blankets gets ruined by your boyfriend who comes home soaked in rain but both of you find ways to warm each other up

Warning - cock warming, pet names, nipple play, haechan loves your boobs like A LOT, hickeys, biting, temperature play, praising, unprotected cock warming leading to him cumming in you

[Request ⭐︎]

I lay on the couch with one of haechan button up tees and some panties. The rain hits the ground outside making me feel even more comfortable in my blankets.

“It’s pouring outside” I hear haechan scoff as he bursts inside our apartment. His shoes squeaking as he kicks them off and drops his bags onto the ground. “Don’t you dare come near me in those soaked clothes I’m already freezing” I whine as I snuggle into my blankets.

“Well I need to be warmed up” haechan pouts as he walks over to me and tilts his head “go change” I whine as I squirm under the warmth of my blankets.

“nah” he shrugs as pulls the blankets off me and falls onto me “hyuckk” I whine as his wet clothes starts to soak my tee “mmh so warm” he hums as he pulls the blankets back on us.

“At least take your shirt off, your wetting mine” I whine as he lifts himself up slightly “you mean my shirt” he coos as he notices me wearing his shirt “but fine” he shrugs as he pulls his shirt off.

His chest is freezing from the clothes, his jeans not as wet but still cold compared to my warmth. “I like you in this” he purrs as he fiddles with the buttons “love how your nipples peek through the fabric after you felt how cold I was” he purrs.

“Well you’re freezing so” I shrug as he fully unbuttons my top “maybe I can warm you up” he purrs as he kisses the middle of my chest and starts to scatter kisses onto my boobs.

My hands tangle into his hair as his tongue circles my nipple, his hands needing them softly as he laps at my tits “so warm” he coos as my body shivers from the change of temperature of his cold lips to his warm tongue.

My moans getting slightly louder as he bites down onto my nipple, pulling softly then letting go and lapping softly. His touch gentle and soft almost as if I was some sort of porcelain doll, his fingers gliding on my skin as he butterfly kisses both my boobs.

He shows equal attention to each, his tongue rolling on my nipples as he moans onto them “god I love you’re tits” he whimpers as my hands massage his head, my legs wrapping around his waist as he rocks onto me softly.

“O- oh my h- hyuck” I pant as he laps at one of my nipples and his fingers play with the other. “I know it feels so good huh?” He coos as he looks up at me. My eyes squeeze shut from his soft pinch on my nipple. My body heating up from his soft voice praising me as he laps with need

“Yea- yeah feels so good” I whine with my head buried into the pillow. A chuckle vibrating onto my chest as he sucks a purple bruise onto me “fuck me hyuck” I hum as his head comes up. His mouth open as he catches his breath, his plump lips coated in saliva as he smacks them together instinctively.

“How about you cock warm me sweetheart?” he coos “yeah” I nod eagerly as I pull my panties off. Haechan sits back and kicks his jeans and boxers off “I don’t want you moving ok?” he looks at me with a raised eyebrow “ok” I nod as he rubs himself into my cunt “all soaked for me huh doll?” haechan smiles.

“Sit” he nods as I lower myself onto him. Moans spill out of both of us as he stretches me out, my pussy squeezing him tightly as he buries his cock in me “fuck you’re so tight, taking everything in me not to pound this pretty pussy. Driving me crazy” heachan hisses as he holds me down.

“Shhh” he whispers as I start to whine from lack of movement. His lips latch onto my boobs yet again as he bites onto my nipple softly, his hips lightly bucking into me causing the smallest amount movement. My eyes squeeze shut as he moans with each lap.

“Feels so fucken good” he hisses as my pussy throbs around him “o- oh m-“ I moan as his teeth sink into my skin “feel you throbbing, you gonna cum by me only doing this? Pathetic” he hisses as I start to roll my hips.

“No moving” he growls as he pins my hips down and continues to lap at my tits “o- oh” I squeal as I clench around him, my body shaking at the feeling of his now warm lips scattering kisses onto my chest and neck “always sound so pretty” he whines.

My hands digging into his shoulders as he smiles at the hickeys he left, his body jerking back as my pussy clenches around him again.

“FUCK” he cries as he fills me full of his cum, his hands keeping me pinned onto him as he fills my pussy full “hyuck o- oh my” I pant clinging onto his shoulders.

“You warm enough now?”

#haechan #haechan fanfic #haechan smut #kpop smut #nct dream #nct smut #nctzen #hyuck x reader #hyuck #hyuck smut #haechan x reader #haechan fluff #lee dong hyuck #nct 127 smut #nct dream smut #nctfanfic

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tonicandjins · 1 year

Text

find your way back home | lee donghyuck

pairing: lee donghyuck | haechan x female reader

word count: 22.5k

genre: fluff, some mentions of sex, ANGST and nostalgia lots of it, haechan-centric, slow burn

warnings: mentions of sex, excessive drinking, will talk about insomnia and depression

summary: nct’s haechan gets into a scandal after a night of drinking his ass off in hongdae, which prompts the management to put him in an indefinite hiatus. and it’s not like it’s the first time, because over the past months, haechan’s drinking problem had gone worse. hence, his parents send him back to jeju island for some healing time because his parents and managers think that maybe some time home would help. haechan laughs at the thought. if medication can’t, what can jeju island do? besides, he hasn’t been there in literal years.

author's note: this is my favorite work so far, which is why it took this long. i put my heart in here. please let me know which one is your favorite line/scene. this is also very heachan-centric, so please don't expect a lot of the reader's POV. also, may i recommend you to listen to Moon, Be There For You, Never Goodbye by NCT DREAM, Good Person by Haechan himself, and Black Clouds by NCT 127 as you read this! :) TIP ME HERE.

taglist: @mosviqu @matchahyuck @sirens-dreams @sundamariis @lovingvoidgoatee @anjaenha @thiccfullsun @665321-more @hyuckiesoftie @aliceinwhateverland @tddyhyck @anniebyanto @novawona @gimmehyuck @blxshqueen @blitz-fall @byungbyungbaek @calssunflower @funkygoose @carelessshootanonymous-blog @jungwooforever @budibbly @positionslab @beomyomom @jexizia @4everhyucks

disclaimer: names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of my imagination or used in a fictitious manner. i do not claim to own or to have invented any copyrighted characters or concepts that i write about.

Y/N = your name, Y/C/N = your childhood nickname

Haechan’s dream has always been the spotlight.

His Mother would tell her friends stories of how he would always tell her he’d be a star someday, a grin flashing across his small face on pictures and clips of him taking a stage as small as the podium in his first grade classroom, and would proudly brag that his first-born son made it to the world stage. She was so proud that she’d have his portfolio picture as her display image in her social media accounts. As a musician herself, she’d play NCT’s music out loud and would even go an extra mile by using their b-side songs when teaching their students at their small but proud music academy in the big city of Seoul. Haechan’s pictures are all over the small place they’d rented for their small business, two floors—the vocal lessons facilitated on the second floor and piano and guitar on the ground floor—and the humble husband and wife would proudly say the most successful student they’d ever had was Lee Donghyuck, now better known as Haechan.

Haechan allows her to take credit of it all, his success, because after all, she’d been the one to encourage her to take a chance at SM Entertainment’s infamous Saturday auditions. People tell Haechan he works hard, but nobody really works harder than his Mother. With sheer determination and a passionate heart, his mother would take little Donghyuck to every stage—no matter how small. Young and bright, he remembers being dragged from one contest to another, even when their family still lived in Jeju, and he’d win all of them for her. He’d take the spotlight just to see her happy and proud.

At times, Haechan wonders how much effort his mother had really put into his career. If he thinks about it now, it started with their entire family moving out of Jeju Island, completely uprooting their entire lives from the simple life in the island to give her dream a chance. People say that Haechan was born a star, that SM got lucky to have a child prodigy offer himself—bare and whole and real—who was willing to give up his childhood and education for a shot in the dark. His father had been reluctant about it, saying that they’d have to give up their entire life savings to merely move to Seoul—considering plane tickets and security deposits need to be sent prior to moving—and that taking a loan wouldn’t be ideal when they could barely make ends meet with four children growing up too fast. A shot in the dark, a flip of a coin, the luck of a draw. They say he was meant for this, was meant for the stage and the lights and the applause, but to Haechan, it’s not really fate. It’s just his mother doing all the work, and he’d take the spotlight for her.

Because Haechan likes the attention. He likes the good and the bad. The cheers and the applause. The painful arm slaps from Mark when he’s annoyed him enough. The head pats and hugs Taeil gives him when he’s being cute and when he lives up to his maknae image. The viral videos of him all over the internet for simply walking down the stage.

And his mother couldn’t be prouder to have a reliable son like him. She had always dreamed of the spotlight herself, but the timing was never right for her—hence Haechan living her dream, her spotlight, had been one of, if not the biggest accomplishments of her life.

The night is cold. Haechan feels dizzy when flashes of the lights coming from the small window of the bar’s building hit his face. He hates the lights, he hates being seen, and it makes him throw up when, as soon as he closes his eyes, it’s his mother that he sees.

Would his mother still be so proud when she learns that, after a long weekend of a back to back concert with NCT 127, his son would be getting a blowjob from a stranger at the back of some sleazy bar he had found online?

“Please tell me this isn’t real.”

Mark Lee is only twenty-three, but with how his forehead’s skin is wrinkling, he might as well invest in several sessions of botox shots. He’s holding his phone up to Haechan’s face, as if bringing the device closer to the younger’s eyes would deny the article that Dispatch uploaded at five in the fucking morning.

“I didn’t sleep with her,” Haechan denies, voice bored, tired. “We might have done other things, but I didn’t sleep with her.”

Mark lets out a groan of frustration, throwing his phone behind Haechan, the device landing on the carpeted floor. Haechan doesn’t even flinch even though it almost hit him.

“Haechan, what the fuck is going on, man?” Mark asks, demands to know what really is going on with his best friend, or whoever he’s speaking with now. “You know SM is going to kill you, right?”

Haechan shrugs. “What are they gonna do? Fire me?”

“You know they can!” Mark shouts, walking back and forth while Haechan remains seated on the couch, unbothered. “You’ve seen them do it! To our seniors! To the people you trained with. You think you’re big time, huh? That just because you’re essential in both units, they wouldn’t send you to some dungeon?”

Haechan laughs bitterly. He reckons being placed in a dungeon would be much better than the hell he’s living in now. “Now that,” he mocks. “Would be the ultimate dream.”

“You’re a fucking nightmare,” Mark says, pointing a finger to Haechan, enunciating each syllable so it goes through his skull.

But nothing can really make Lee Haechan budge anymore—not an expensive, hard device laterally thrown to his face, and not even his best friend (if he could still call him that) blatantly showing how disgusted he is with him—and he can’t really blame anyone. It used to he frightening to see Mark angry at something he did. Used to.

Haechan doesn’t really know what to say, so he chuckles bitterly and leans his head back so that it’s against the backrest, pondering whether it’s a good time to drink the bottle of vodka he’s been keeping under his bed.

“It’s funny because I don’t even know what having a nightmare feels like.”

Mark huffs, seemingly had given up on Haechan, then leaves the room alongside the small piece of sanity that the younger had left. Haechan bolts, sitting up real quick, but too slow because Mark is already out of the door. Haechan likes attention, and even though Mark Lee makes his head hurt, he likes the attention. Haechan likes that Mark is angry at him.

His manager calls him next, (as expected) voice angry as if he’s about to explode, and tells him his publicist is doing her very best to answer every god damn call from every magazine and news outlet. But none of those magazine and news outlets who have called had posted something to clear the situation; none of them were buying it. Haechan thinks it’s fucking ridiculous anyway. There were pictures and videos of him sneaking out with Hana or Hari, whatever her name was, and a clip of him zipping his pants up as they try to hide from the flashes of lights. Who the fuck would believe he was just out exploring with his 35-year old, happily-married-with-kids personal assistant?

And it’s too late, anyway, because what was the point of it all when his most loyal and long-time fan sites have all shut down overnight, his Instagram followers reducing down to five million in a matter of hours since Dispatch posted that article, and his best friends blatantly ignoring him with the exception of Mark confronting him, but of course, Haechan had to screw that up, too.

“They’re calling you in for a meeting,” his manager concludes with a sigh after elaborating what had been done to patch up the entire mess. “Be ready for whatever they have to say. Don’t expect me to have your back because I’m over it, Haechan. Whatever they decide to do with you, you fucking deserve it.”

The call ends. Haechan didn’t even get to talk.

He looks at the screen of his phone. There were a million of calls and text messages from his agency, half of it were from his mother, and the last thing he really wants now is to hear her voice. He scrolls through it all, chest tightening when he realizes nobody from Jaemin, Renjun and Jeno had tried to call him. Haechan knows he’s an asshole, deserving to be the receiving end of all the shouting and cussing, and he’s probably made the dumbest mistake of his entire life, but he’d live the stardom’s life long enough, he’d be okay. But a call from his best friends would have been a breather.

Haechan understands, what his manager said, that he shouldn’t really expect anyone to have his back after all that’s transpired in the last few of months.

You see, Haechan developed insomnia. He’d look the symptoms up in the internet, and it’s described as a common sleeping disorder that can make it hard for people to fall asleep, or if one’s attempt to drift off is successful, to stay asleep. Taeyong had said it’s a common disorder for idols, that their seniors from groups like EXO and SHINEE had all gone to psychologists for help, but Haechan didn’t really want to make a big deal out of it. He relied on what Naver offered him one morning when the sun’s already out and his eyes are still wide open.

Stress and anxiety were the major causes. Some resources say it could be from a poor sleeping environment such as an uncomfortable bed or bad lighting or temperature. One claims that it could also be from one’s lifestyle, like jetlag from traveling frequently, or drinking one too many caffeine-infused doses of fluids. It all could be factors why Haechan’s been getting 8-10 hours of sleep a week, and he acknowledges that he doesn’t really have the best lifestyle—and it’s not like he’s ever had the choice since NCT blew up.

So, he’d consulted Taeyong again, through a text, and all he’d gotten was a link to a study that insomnia can be caused by mental health conditions such as depression, followed by his therapist’s phone number.

Among all the causes he’d gathered, Haechan could confidently rule out depression because there’s no fucking way he’s sad. There’s barely any reason to be sad. Sure, he’d miss his siblings most of the time and he hates the feeling of seeing any of them cry whenever he had to leave, but nothing is more gratifying than the relief of seeing them happy whenever he comes home with luxurious gifts or plane tickets to Tokyo for a vacation. Haechan likes making people happy, and Mark tells him he’s always been a people pleaser. At times, he’d think his happiness depends on the happiness of the people he loves and values, and people around him are happy.

Hence, Haechan is happy.

Or at least, was happy.

Because the insomnia got worse—not that Haechan’s dealt with it enough to know whether it’s getting better or worse—but it was bad. He would come home exhausted as fuck after an entire day of dancing and singing, and he knows he’s tired because his body tells him so. Haechan would lie on bed, body drained from all energy, but his eyes would be wide open for an entire night. He’d only fall asleep when the sun’s started to seep through his curtains, a good hour before his manager would wake him for the next schedule. It was manageable, and the tour was a good excuse for the insomnia, but it followed him even on his days off, even in the beginning of the pandemic when there little to zero schedules that would have caused him anxiety or stress.

Therefore, reluctantly, he’d visited a doctor to get a prescription for some meds he could take to help him sleep. He’d lied, though, that it wasn’t that bad and that he would need it only on nights after shows, because he knew they’d only refer him to a therapist. Haechan doesn’t need a therapist. He could just talk to his mother about it, and she’d know what to say to make him feel better. To make him keep going.

It was fine until the melatonin supplements stopped working. Sometime last year, if he remembers right, when he thought he’d gone crazy because everything stopped working for him. There was a bottle of soju, half empty, from the fridge he had in the corner of the room he shared with Johnny, and he reckoned it could help. As soon as the bottle was empty, Haechan felt drowsy; he was out like the light half an hour later.

But just like the prescription from the doctor he can’t even remember the name of, drinking half a bottle worked. Johnny would give him suspicious looks when he would see Haechan stocking up soju inside their room, but he doesn’t ever say anything. Because alcohol made him sleep, until it didn’t. Until half a bottle stopped working. Until an entire bottle is no longer enough. Until Taeyong’s decided that there should be no alcohol inside anyone’s fridge, both fifth and tenth floors.

Hence, the drinking problem.

Haechan wonders what’s next. The sleeping problem, then the drinking problem. It looks like here is it, the next one: the scandal.

When Haechan was a trainee, his greatest fear was getting removed from the agency.

There was an assessment every quarter, and the CEO himself would sit down in a panel alongside other producers and choreographers to identify which of the trainees would move on to another level and which ones would have to go home. Each time they had to go through the assessment, Haechan, alongside other existing members of NCT, would spend long days inside the training room. He would fear that the CEO would ask him to rap all of a sudden because Haechan can’t rap to save his god damn life at that time. He would fear that his mother would receive a call and find out his beloved son, whom she spent so much money on just to get ballet classes, failed and would need to go home.

Today, Haechan fears none of those.

The decision to put him in an indefinite hiatus was quick to make, not that Haechan expected anything less.

The news was out the second they threw him out of the meeting room (but not before the CEO slapping him right across the face, his left cheek throbbing in pain he’s oddly happy he could feel) and his bags were packed before he could even tell his members. The dorms were empty when he arrived, and there was no time to visit Dream’s place; Haechan knew he could just call, or visit. His family lives twenty minutes away, a short ride from downtown. He’d figure it out, like he always would.

What fazes him is what he comes home to.

His father offers him a one-way ticket, says his mother is still too upset to look even at Haechan in the face, that she’s spending the night in her friend’s house. The domestic flight ticket is bound to Jeju Island, and it boards tomorrow morning.

“Your grandmother will be waiting for you,” his father says, eyes everywhere but Haechan’s. “Your mother thinks it would be the best for now. Your agency knows, of course, and they’re helping us ensure you get your privacy in Jeju-do. We just need you to stay there for a bit, Donghyuck. Might help.”

“Dad,” Haechan pleads, Dad sounding foreign to him now. He’s stopped calling him Dad years ago, right before he debuted in NCT, and had been calling him Father. He’s not sure why he’a suddenly calling him that now, perhaps it’s the sinking feeling in his stomach, but Haechan is desperate for another solution. “You can’t send me back in the island. I haven’t lived in grandmother’s house since I was twelve.”

“Don’t act like the place isn’t civilized, Donghyuck,” his father sighs. “You’ll be okay. You can take your expensive gaming laptop with you so you can entertain yourself while you’re on vacation. It’s only going to be a few months.”

“A few months?” Haechan cries. “I can’t live there anymore!”

“The agency decided not to terminate their contract with you,” his father reveals. “Apparently, you’re too talented to let go of. Your mother and I are very grateful they didn’t. All they want in return is for you to go back in six months—sober and full of life again. Your therapist suggests you go to a vacation.”

“I don’t have a therapist?”

“The doctor who prescribed you sleeping pills? You didn’t tell us you had insomnia.”

“Fuck you,” Haechan spits before he could even think about it. “Neither you nor mother thought of asking me what’s been going on. Dad, I wanted you to scold me. To punch me in the fucking gut and tell me I’ve ruined everything. I wanted mother to yell at me until my ear bleeds, so I can find the motivation to work hard and make her happy again.”

“Donghyuck, we–”

“Don’t call me that!” He yells. “The first thing that came to your mind was how grateful you are that I’m not fired from my job? I’m not some retirement plan! I’m your son!”

“Keep it down. Your siblings are–”

”Donghyuck-hyung?” Haechan turns. Gyeom stands at the end of the hallway, seemingly woken up from his slumber, and Dongmin hides behind the younger one to see what’s going on. Haechan doesn’t even see Seungyeon come out of her room. He just hears her door shut loudly, the lock clicking, and realize he fucked up big time.

He takes a look at the ticket from his father’s hand.

It’s ridiculous. If the melatonin pills he’s taking are not helping with his stupid insomnia, and drinking a bottle of soju works as equally as useless, what the fuck could work? They think a recreational vacation to fucking Jeju Island would do shit?

Fuck his parents, honestly.

Fuck his siblings for not even giving him a hug as soon as he entered their home.

Fuck his members for not checking up on him.

Fuck the entire god damn world.

He rips the ticket from his father’s hand and turns to leave, taking the same bags he’d brought in a few minutes ago. The flight is tomorrow morning, but Haechan calls a taxi to take him to the airport.

Sleeping (or at least, trying to) in the uncomfortable airport seats is a fucking pain in the ass, literally. But nothing more hurts than the look on his family’s face: the blankness in his father’s and the fright from his siblings.

Jeju fucking Island. Way to end the day.

When Haechan was younger, his grandmother would take him to the Camellia Hills on the weekends. While kids his age would be taken in Aqua Planet to see thousands of animals and plant species to ease their shoulders from studies, Haechan would be running around fields of camellia and hydrangea flowers. They would spend hours just walking around trees of over five hundred different kinds of wildflowers. His grandmother would take pictures of him and let him eat whatever he wanted at a nearby restaurant, and his siblings would always cry and complain why Nana only wanted to bring Haechan. There wasn’t a particular reason, of course, it was only because the younger ones were too difficult for their grandmother to look after on a trip to Camellia Hill. Little Donghyuckie was well-behaved albeit his bold and obnoxious nature. He would do whatever his Nana would ask him.

Haechan’s always claimed that he’s the favorite despite his grandmother repeatedly saying she doesn’t do favorites, and he knows deep in his heart that he is. He is, after all, the first grandchild, and he spent a lot of time with his Nana alone for many years while they were in Jeju.

His grandmother used to sing him to sleep at night. When his younger sister was born, Nana stayed with them in Seoul for a while to help his parents adjust to having two kids, considering Haechan’s age gap with Seungyeon is only a year. Nana made sure Haechan slept well every night, in a separate room from his parents because newborn Seungyeon who wouldn’t let anyone sleep past one in the morning. She’d sing him songs from The Beatles in broken English, and Haechan likes to think that even though both his parents were musicians, the reason why he could sing well was his Nana.

She eventually had to move back to Jeju Island as soon as the family had settled, but years later, at the age of seven, his grandfather died and Nana was left all alone to tend to their land and business, hence the Lee family packed their bags to stay at Nana’s supposedly for the summer, but ended up with the decision of staying for her.

Nana had problems sleeping when his grandfather died. Haechan used to find her awake when he’d need a glass of water or to go to the toilet at two in the morning. She’d be watching television, a nighttime talk show she used to like, or reading a book from his grandfather’s shelf. The lights in her home were always on.

So, Haechan started singing her to sleep just like how she did when he was a child.

She’d tell him, “Oh, my Donghyuckie, you have such a nice voice. Why don’t you sing more?”

Then she’d fall asleep while Haechan wondered why lovers die at different times, why one has to go first and the other is left on Earth trying to sleep well every night.

Upon his arrival in Jeju-do, his grandmother doesn’t pick him up from the airport like he’d expected, so he takes a taxi from the airport to her house. Haechan knows what their home looks like despite not visiting since his training days. They own a small hectare of land filled with tangerine trees, and his grandmother had been the sole operator of it all for many years until she had to start hiring people here and there to manage things for her when her age caught up with her. His father used to travel back and forth to see how things are here and there, but eventually stopped when Nana had found people she can rely on—which Haechan is very glad about.

He must be an asshole, or a prick, or a hypocrite to even say this but he’s been thinking about her more often than he calls. If he recalls right, the last time he’d called was three months ago, on her birthday, but it was two-minute exchange of generic how are yous and please stay healthys. She would call, of course, but Haechan would always have something as an excuse: a dance practice, a trip to Japan for a show, a photoshoot, something. Something to cover up the fact that he hasn’t been the best grandson to her in a long time.

He arrives and the first thing he notices is a hammock hanging in between the posts of her patio. A kick of nostalgia hits him because grandfather put up a hammock at the back of their home once, when Haechan was around five years old and they were visiting the couple for the summer. Her grandmother used to tell Haechan that the hammock is the best place to take his afternoon naps, hence little Donghyuck would spend most of his afternoons lying on a hammock made of strong nylon.

Shaking off the nostalgia, Haechan clears his throat. “Nana! I’m home!”

“Donghyuckie, is that you?” she calls from somewhere. Haechan walks over to the patio and drops his bags.

Nana comes out from the side of the house, her favorite pink apron on, grey hair hidden by a hair cap. “Oh, sweetheart.”

Haechan sees her age simply by the way she stands. Her back is hunched more than it was the last time he saw her during Chuseok last year. The wrinkles in the edges of her eyes and around her mouth are much more evident. The skin on her neck is loose, and so is the skin on her arms and everywhere.

For a second, Haechan feels like he’s seven again, seeing her for the first time since summer, her eyes not as happy as they were from the last time they’d been in Jeju-do, when grandfather was still alive. Haechan suddenly is taken back to when she’d hug him so, so tightly, crying to his shoulder, telling him harabeoji had left her while she was asleep. He remembers his heart dropping down to the ground when he saw her breaking down, his loving grandmother—who was always bright and happy, whom people would say he got his personality from—at her lowest. It’s the same wave of sadness Haechan feels looking at her now—looking at the years painted in her skin. Her memories blurring out the color of her eyes. Decades of hard work and labor tainted on the callouses on her fingers. Glints of loneliness spread throughout the wrinkles on her face.

Haechan has been all over the world for years now. Years of training and sleepless nights perfecting a performance had led him to where he is now. People who speak different languages love him and cheer for him even with countries and continents in between. He’s made millions happy by simply singing songs or saying hi in a fan call. And while he’s done of all of these, what had he done for his grandmother? People have been watching him grow up, who was watching Nana all this time?

Haechan chokes on his own tears. His grandmother, his Nana, opens her arms like Haechan is not the person the world hates right now. She hugs him like Haechan is not the person who had potentially ruined the group his best friend Mark had worked hard on. She holds him in her arms like Haechan is not the person who scared his siblings and cursed his own father. Nana takes him inside her home like he’s her Donghyuck again.

Haechan feels like he’s her Donghyuckie again.

Contrary to popular belief, Donghyuck doesn’t like affection as much as Haechan does.

He believes that being offered tenderness is the very proof that you’ve been ruined, and Haechan likes to think that with the life he has now, he’s not really in the position to talk about his life’s struggles. Because there are more people in the world who deserves to talk about their pain. Donghyuck doesn’t deserve as much.

Hence, the nostalgia goes away as quickly as it arrives. Haechan spends the rest of the day trying to sleep in his grandmother’s spare room and doesn’t even bother answering when his grandmother knocked on his door to invite him for lunch despite him being wide awake.

Haechan gets up at five in the afternoon, just when the sun is about to set, eyes heavy. The sky looks a lot like the color of his own skin, he notices, and he thinks about how beautiful the sky would be in Han River and recalls how him and Mark (and sometimes Doyoung) would lie on the ground, letting their skin soak in the sun slowly sinking down to its rest.

But none of that is close to happening because he’s here. In Jeju-do. Stuck like some twelve-year old sent to camp for an entire summer because his parents can’t stand him.

Haechan’s train of (bitter) thoughts is interrupted with a loud plonk from the wooden patio, which is right outside his window. He pulls his curtains slightly to peek, and he finds you on the floor on your side, groaning like a kid and massaging your back. It looks like you’d just fallen out of the hammock.

Curious, Haechan gets up and quickly slips out of his room to see you on their front porch.

“And Nana says it’s the most comfortable place to sleep on,” he hears you mumble as you get up, eyes meeting his as soon as you see him. Your eyes widen in shock, probably recognizing him, but you quickly catch yourself and look down.

“You are?” Haechan asks, towering over you.

You clear your throat. “Y/N.”

“I don’t mean your name, pumpkin,” he replies. “What do you do here?”

Haechan smirks at the way one of your eyebrows raised, clearly already infuriated at his attitude. You’re wearing a white shirt that’s too big for you underneath your denim overalls. The pair of boots sitting under the hammock is a clear sign that you’re a farmer tending to the tangerine trees on the land right beside the house, separated by a fence and his grandmother’s home garden.

“I manage your grandmother’s land,” you answer, stance defensive. “And it looks like you’re the delinquent grandson they sent away for the summer?”

Haechan chuckles, liking how you’re bark and bite, wondering how far he can push you, because the last thing he really wants is someone staying at his grandmother’s house. Too close. Too easy to see everything. You’d make millions selling him to the tabloids. He’d honestly rather hear people saying how much of an asshole he is, than have people invading his grandmother’s privacy while he’s here.

“You mean the world star, right?” he brags, licking his upper lip. “And you manage the land we own? Sounds a lot like a farmer to me.”

You stifle a laugh. You’re not at all intimidated. “Oh, pumpkin, I think the last thing you’d want to do in Jeju-do is insult a farmer for their job. The agricultural structure of Jeju Island has done more than you thrusting your hips up on the air for young, easily-manipulated teenage girls, Donghyuck.”

“So, you know my name?”

You click your tongue and turn around, proceeding to slip your boots back on. “How could I not know?”

“Because I’m a world star, right. How could you not know?”

Haechan watches you tie the laces up of your boots. You don’t give him another glance and leave, stomping your feet down the stairs to the ground until you’re out of his sight.

“Hey, you’re awake,” Nana says from inside. The door is wide open. “Where’s Y/N?”

She walks towards where Haechan stands, looking around for you. “That girl. I told her to stay for dinner. What’d you do, Donghyuck-ah?”

“Nothing,” he mumbles, annoyed at how Nana is more concerned about you leaving than ensuring his privacy. He’s a star, for god’s sake. “Why’d you let her sleep here, anyway? And have her stay for dinner? Aren’t you scared she might sell me off to some magazine for, I don’t know, one million won?”

“Why would Y/N sell you—“ his grandmother sighs. “Not everyone is out to get you, Donghyuck-ah.”

“Why does she even know my birth name?” he questions. “That’s like, too much, Nana. Don’t share things like that.”

His grandmother slaps his arm. “Ow! What’d you do that for?”

“You’re a moron!” she screeches. “That was Y/N! She waited for you to wake up all day!”

“That’s creepy!”

“Y/C/N,” Nana enunciates. Haechan remembers. “Her childhood nickname. Does it ring a bell?”

“Y/N—” he breathes out. Frozen. “—is Y/C/N?”

Haechan has always had an affinity with flowers, long before he named his fans sunflowers.

His grandparents had a larger flower garden as compared to how it is now. They’d planted tangerine trees in place of the fields of beautiful red azalea and rhododendron blossoms. On spring days, the cherry blossoms were infinite, and little Donghyuck used to spend a lot of time looking at the flowers and making necklaces out of them.

You used to (still do, perhaps) live down the street, and your parents used to help out in the farm when your grandparents needed another pair of hands to harvest the tangerines. Little Donghyuck met you when he was six.

If he recalls it right, it was the second day of summer, a hundred something days before they had to return back to Seoul. He found you lying under a cherry blossom tree, eyes closed, allowing hundreds of pink petals to drown you in their beauty. Little Donghyuck lied down beside you, upside-down but his head is right beside yours. He’s always been a curious kid, so he wanted to know why you were letting the pink petals rain on you. There was nothing special about it. Just petals falling when the wind blows a certain direction.

When he opened his eyes, you turn to look at him, your eyebrows were furrowed the way they were when Haechan found you on the floor of his patio earlier, right after you’d fallen from the hammock.

“Hey,” you had said. “You’re the kid from Nana’s house, right?”

“She’s my Nana,” he corrected, closing his eyes once again. “And yes, I’m the kid from Nana’s house. You are?”

“My mom calls me Y/C/N,” you answered. “Are you staying for the summer?”

He nodded. “Only for the summer. We’re leaving before school starts.”

“Do you like flowers?” you asked.

“We don’t have a lot of flowers in Seoul,” Little Donghyuck mumbled. “But I love flowers. Last summer, Nana took me to Camellia Hills to see the flowers bloom in May.”

“Then you should stay,” you trailed off. “If you love flowers and Seoul doesn’t offer much, then you should stay.”

“What about school?” Donghyuck had asked, opening his eyes to look at you. You’re looking at him, upside-down and all. Donghyuck’s never seen someone more beautiful. “You’re pretty.”

Your eyes widened. You immediately hide your face from him using your hands. “We’re only five. I can’t have a boyfriend at five years old.”

“Maybe when we’re older.”

Haechan doesn’t remember much from the day you met, but he got close to you during that summer in 2006, even more when his family moved back to Jeju-do in 2007. Your friendship blossomed from walking together in first grade throughout primary school until he’d graduated and eventually moved back to Seoul.

He can’t believe that he’d forgotten your name, and a part of him knows it’s because he’s always called you by your childhood nickname, but a larger part of him likes to think that it’s because he’s almost twenty-three now—it’s been almost ten years. He’s met probably thousands of people at this point, and with the lifestyle he has, he really can’t afford to remember each person he spends time with. Not even the girl he spent his entire childhood in Jeju-do with.

So, Haechan forgives himself before he could ask for yours. He reckons you’d understand. You know him, somehow. You kept in touch until Haechan got into SM in 2013 and high school and training got the best of him. He changed his number and lost contact with almost everyone in Jeju-do, even his closest friends, and you were one them.

Life as a singer means Haechan had to sacrifice a lot of things.

Most people know an idol sacrifices having a normal life—playing in the streets, trying out to be a part of the basketball team, dating at fifteen years old, prom, staying at one classmate’s house for a group project—and it includes forgetting the people you used to be close with.

One of the rules in SM when he was a trainee was to not get in touch with the people from their past. One of their managers used to tell them that their lives are divided into two parts: before training and after training; and to be successful in the industry means to forget who you were before training. They’d deleted all of his social media, which means he disconnected from the people he knew before he was Haechan. They’d deleted who he was before Haechan.

Many sacrifices, indeed. The list goes on, and at the end of it was your name.

“She never left Jeju-do?” Haechan asks, curious, as he ate the dinner Nana made for him. “Like not even for college?”

“She didn’t go to college at all,” Nana answers. “And she likes it here. Why do you make staying in Jeju-do sound like a living hell?”

Haechan shrugs. “It’s not like that, Nana. I mean, God knows what I’d do to get a normal life and go to college in Seoul and do what normal people in their early twenties do.”

Nana smiles at him. “This is probably what normal is for her. Not everyone has big dreams like you.”

“Why wouldn’t they?” Haechan asks. “Dreams are free. It doesn’t cost anything to dream. Why wouldn’t people want to have big dreams?”

“Aren’t you the lucky one to have a dream and to be able to live your dream?” Nana says. She finishes up her meal and watches Haechan eat. “How are you, Donghyuck-ah?”

Haechan stops chewing and braces himself. Nobody’s asked him how he is. He continues chewing like it’s not a question that’s been weighing him under.

“I’m okay,” he answers, mouth full of food. “They didn’t fire me. So, I guess I should be grateful. I’m okay.”

“You know that you don’t have to lie to Nana, right?” She asks, smile kind and warm.

And Haechan wants to say it all. Out loud. Maybe even cry.

But he is not about to let his grandmother carry his burdens with her. Burdens that shouldn’t even matter because he’s so lucky to have the life he has now. Burdens that are nothing compared to other people’s.

“Come on, Donghyuck-ah,” she urges. “Talk to Nana. Tell me what’s wrong, my dear.”

“Halmeoni,” he firmly says. “I said I’m okay. I’m tired. Thank you for the meal.” He bows and stands to leave.

Life has a singer means Haechan had to sacrifice a lot, indeed.

Nana leaves a box of things Haechan would need while he’s in Jeju-do before her trusted chauffeur takes her to the town’s market for some business.

Haechan finds himself wearing the same fit as you the day before: a pair of overalls, an old, non-branded shirt that looks like it’s been worn and washed 300 times. Nana left a list of chores to do, and there’s no way Haechan is doing all of those. He’s taking a walk around the fields, supervise like how the owner’s grandson should, bask on the sunlight for a bit, then go back to his room and play some games with strangers online.

You’re waiting by the patio, sitting and looking at the opposite direction so he only sees your back, when Haechan comes out, dressed up for the role but not ready for whatever today brings him.

“Took you long enough,” you grumble as he steps out of the house. You stand and turn to look at him. “Lock the door and let’s get going. You’re late on your first day.”

“Chill out, sweet cheeks,” he scoffs, reaching behind the door and locking it before slamming it shut. “You’re not the boss of me.”

You nod, chuckling. “I’m not. But your grandmother is. And she added your list to the name of workers joining us to harvest today. You will be paid by the hour.”

Haechan gasps lightly in disbelief. “I don’t need to work. We own this place.”

“Hmm,” you hum, feigning curiosity as you tap your index finger to your chin as if you’re thinking hard. “You know I manage this whole place, right? Which means I also manage its taxes and permits annually. I’ve never seen your name in any of the papers I play with every day.”

“Same fucking thing,” he mumbles, walking past you to reach the gate. Haechan finds two horses waiting for him outside. He turns, ready to ask you what kind of joke you’re pulling on him, but he finds you going around the house, perhaps to make sure everything’s locked and all. You catch up on him, eyebrows raised when he points to the horses.

“Don’t tell me you can’t ride a horse,” you ask, seemingly in disbelief that someone like him isn’t capable of riding a horse. “You can’t work in the fields just walking. You’ll tire yourself out and will waste most of your working hours just walking.”

“I—I’m really not—” Haechan falters for a second, but comes back as quickly as he goes. “It’s been years since the last time I rode a horse. I’m not certain if I can do that now.” You give him a questioning look. “Besides. I’m a celebrity if you haven’t noticed it already. What if I break a bone?”

“You’ll live.”

“What if I fall and break my face?”

“Seoul has the best plastic surgeons.”

“My legs! They were injured before. I can’t afford to get another injury!”

“You’ll be fine. You’re such a drama queen.”

“I’m a star!”

At that, you burst out into a fit of laughter, the kind that Haechan would normally join in, because what he just said is truly ridiculous. He can’t believe he said that himself. But, of course, he can’t just laugh with, basically, a stranger.

“Oh my God, Lee Donghyuck,” you say in between laughter.

Something ignites something in him, the way you just said his name.

Haechan is a name he loves, an alter-ego he adores, a character he lives. Full sun, because that’s what he wants to be. He wants to bring light to everyone looking up to him, and he wants to be remembered by the way his voice warms the entire planet. He loves hearing cheers and applause when he introduces himself as Haechan. Because Haechan is talented. Haechan is an ace, an all-rounder who can do anything an idol is expected to do, perhaps even more. Haechan is bright and positive, and he likes making people laugh and at the same time uncomfortable of the influx of skinship he offers. Haechan loves the lights and cameras on stage, and he adores the way his name is in every city he goes to.

Meanwhile, Lee Donghyuck, he’s heard in a million times. Mark still calls him Donghyuck like they never aged since 2013, even Doyoung and Jeno. His parents seldom call him Haechan, never for Nana. His fans also have been calling him Donghyuck since they learned his birth name is Donghyuck, sometimes Hyuck or Hyuckie, which he finds really endearing.

Yet no one’s ever called him his name like he’s nothing but just Lee Donghyuck. Not for a long time. Not from someone before Haechan.

Donghyuck suddenly feels like he’s twelve again, the year he left Jeju-do and had to say goodbye to all of his friends with a promise to keep in touch and to never forget. Donghyuck finds himself looking at the way you’re laughing, how you have your eyes closed, mouth agape and melodies of your amusement coming out like a song he thought he’d forgotten but know all the words to, and he finds himself thinking, maybe being Lee Donghyuck isn’t so bad.

His first day at the farm didn’t go as quick as expected and if Donghyuck could say so himself, it’s the longest fucking day in his entire life.

Evidently, he couldn’t ride a horse to save his life. He doesn’t even know why he’d told you it’s been a long time when the only time he ever rode a horse was when he was eleven for a field trip and only to take a god damn picture to make his mother smile. You and him were only a couple of horse steps or whatever away from Nana’s home and his horse was already squirming and more like threatening to throw him ten meters away, hence, you begrudgingly offered to have him ride with you. Donghyuck didn’t decline, of course, because it was either walk around the place under the hot sun or die at the hands of a stupid horse. You had let him sit behind you, skillfully and impressively holding the other horse by its rope, Donghyuck’s arms reluctantly wrapped around your waist because he didn’t want to fall, and if you were uncomfortable, you didn’t say anything about it.

You had taken him to a tour within his grandparents’ land, and Donghyuck is already twenty-three when he realized his grandparents are big time, like for real. The land isn’t as big as the others, ones that are owned by a big corporation, people who aren’t even from Jeju-do but like to play agricultural monopoly, but it’s bigger than most. Nana was too humbled when she’d told him the night before that he would need to help out in their “small” business.

The business is nowhere near small, with hundreds of tangerine trees scattered around, blooming in the famous Jeju-do delicacy, and she had forty to fifty employees working for her.

“Not really like full-time employees,” you had explained when Donghyuck verbalized his surprise with the number of people working for the farm. “Normally, it’s just me and Nana and a few other people who handle the delivery, quality assurance, and sales in the farmer’s market, which I’d need to take you to tomorrow, and also some folks from Seoul who handle the cargo shipping to the cities. But when it’s harvest season, we really would need more than ten pairs of hands to help out.”

“So, like, all year, there’s only around ten people are here,” Donghyuck confirmed, hands still on your waist as the horse came to a stop. “And on harvest season, Nana hires more people to help out. That’s really nice. Could be a good summer job for students and all.”

You hummed in agreement, patting the horse that Donghyuck learned you named as Daisy. “But normally, you’d find older people working here instead of the younger ones.”

“Oh?” Donghyuck’s curious. “That’s a little odd. I mean, isn’t the job physically tiring?”

You shrugged. “The elderly, well, they don’t really have a lot of opportunities to work here, you know, considering that Jeju-do has become more of like a tourist island than a self-sufficient, thriving agricultural place. You’ve probably heard of the water park they’d built nearby the airport and other big corporations taking over and building their stores here and there. And of course, they’d most likely hire younger people who can relate to the Korean Wave your group caused, right?”

“Keeping tabs?”

You scoffed at that. “As if! Now, get down before I ask Daisy to wiggle her ass and throw you off.”

After the supposed short tour that took an hour because, well, their land is enormous, you take him where some of the elderly people are harvesting.

“This is Donghyuck,” you’d introduced. “Nana’s grandson from Seoul. He’ll be helping us today. So, halmeoni, don’t even think about getting him off the hook because he’s Nana’s grandson. He will be paid for the day like everyone else. You wouldn’t want someone to get paid the same, only to work half of what you do, right?”

The older women laughed at the way you’d introduced him, and he feels his heart swell with the way you’re laughing with them and how they looked at him with so much tenderness. And normally, Donghyuck doesn’t like the look of tenderness, especially when directed to him, but today, it felt warm. Warmth like never before.

“You grew up so handsome, Donghyuck-ah,” one of the women said. “But I thought you’d be taller, you know. You had such long limbs when you were younger.”

Donghyuck feigned offense, clutching his chest. “Ahjumma, you should’ve stopped at the word handsome.”

“Tangerines ripen earlier than other citruses, so they can escape damage from freezes that will harm midseason varieties such as grapefruit and sweet oranges. Most varieties will be ready for picking during the winter and early spring, although the exact tangerine harvest time depends on the cultivar and region,” you explain, following the lead while Donghyuck and two other guys around yours and his age trail behind you. He apparently needs some training before he can start working.

“How do we know if they’re ready to be picked?” Joohyuk, one of the part-timers, ask.

You will know it’s about harvest time for tangerines when the fruit is a good shade of orange and begins to soften a bit. This is your chance to do a taste test,” you answer, stopping to show an abundant tangerine tree. You pick one out and show it to Donghyuck and the rest. “Cut the fruit from the tree at the stem with hand pruners. If after your taste test the fruit has reached its ideal juicy sweetness, proceed to snip other fruit from the tree with the hand pruners.”

You proceed to show them how it’s cut and hand them a piece each. Donghyuck likes that the fruit is sweet, not sour.

The ahjummas find your group and start handing baskets to Donghyuck and the guys, telling them they’d guide them all throughout.

He found himself spending the rest of the morning getting to know the people harvesting tangerines and making them laugh like it’s his job. He learned all their names one by one, their families briefly, and what they used to do before they retired. By the time it’s lunch, Donghyuck was about to say goodbye and perhaps ask you to take him back to his house, the group from the other side of the farm joined their area, all packed with bags of lunch.

They asked him to join, of course, but Donghyuck refused, in respect of their time to relax and take a break, and asked if you could take him home instead. You agreed, of course, mumbling that you would also need to go home to feed your dog.

“I’ll pick you up at 1:15,” you say as soon as Donghyuck lands on his feet. “Don’t sleep, please. The ahjummas will be expecting you. It’ll be a lot hotter, so drench your celebrity skin with twice the amount of sunscreen you’d normally use.”

“Yeah,” Donghyuck responds, itching to say thank you, but not enough to actually say it. He rubs Daisy’s neck instead. “You—I, okay.”

“O-kay,” you nod and whistle to signal Daisy to turn and walk the other way.

Nana waits for him by the patio. “How was your first day?”

“It’s not even over yet,” he sighs, slumping his butt on one of the patio’s stairs. “Nana, I can’t believe you’re making me work while I’m on vacation.”

“Your father never said anything about a vacation,” she responds, smiling as she struggles to sit beside him. Donghyuck helps her. “You’re here for some time away from work, right?”

“Yeah, a vacation,” he emphasizes.

Nana reaches to move the fringe covering a part of his eyes. “Let’s call this your healing time. But I wouldn’t call it a vacation because a vacation for you only means playing computer games until the sun rises then sleeping all day.”

“You should stop talking to Seungyeon about me,” he mumbles, looking sideways to find his grandmother looking at him lovingly. “And I don’t only play computer games. I also listen to a lot of music.”

“Try not to think about the limelight while you’re here,” she says. “The farm needs some help now. And it’s the best time for you to learn about the family business in case you don’t make it back in Seoul.” Donghyuck groans, burying his face in his hands, and Nana laughs at him. “That��s a possibility you should be considering, Donghyuck-ah.”

“Nana, you’re making me feel worse,” he whines. “You just told me not to think about the limelight, how can I not when you just said what you said!”

“I’m only joking,” she admits. “No one is ever going to take the limelight away from you, Donghyuck-ah, even if they try. You were born for the stage, and I know it’s everything you’ve ever wanted.”

Donghyuck looks up at her. “Is it bad that it’s all I want?”

Nana shakes her head and offers a kind smile. “Having a dream like yours is never bad, Donghyuck-ah. I know that eventually you’d have to leave and go back to where you really belong: the limelight. But all I’m saying is, stepping out of the light isn’t as bad as you think it is.”

“Right.”

“Tell me how it was in the farm.”

“The ladies love me,” he chuckles. “I’m quite popular even in the small villages of Jeju-do, aren’t I?”

“You sure are,” she agrees. “They’ve been asking about you for a long time. Looks like your Nana isn’t the only one who missed you.”

“How come they still remember me?” he asks before he can think about it. “I mean, I’m sorry, but I’ve forgotten about most people here. They still remember how I used to play around and sing for small events.”

It’s true. It caught him by surprise that the workers still remembered him—and not only because he’s a celebrity now, but they remember him by the small, insignificant happenstances when he was younger. Like for example, one of them mentioned how he was once was injured, his pinky finger to be exact, because he was running like a madman when his mother had given him permission to go play computer games with his cousin. He doesn’t remember that person being there, but he knows his grandmother talked about it like it was a news about a hurricane hitting Seoul at that time it happened.

It makes Donghyuck wonder how many people remember him, and how many people he’d forgotten and left behind for his dreams.

“Our world here in Jeju-do is small,” Nana explains. “People like you, who left, well, while ours remain humble and small, while we fade into the background and slowly become insignificant, yours become bigger. So, while we remember, you forget, slowly, one by one—and nobody blames you for forgetting, Donghyuck-ah.”

Oh, look. Another burden, another truth that Donghyuck has to carry for the rest of his life. Another reason not to fall asleep tonight.

There is a small, local store located down the road from his grandmother’s house. They don’t sell nearly half the number the ones local convenience stores in Seoul would, but Donghyuck likes to think it’ll do. Soju and beer taste the same anyway, regardless of where he buys it.

With the faint, beaten yellow paint from its exterior, the store has been around even before Donghyuck was born. It’s the village’s very own convenience store, after all. There weren’t any rival stores like how it would look like in Seoul where every corner of every street one would find a convenience store. From where Donghyuck stands, the store doesn’t like look like it’s changed much in a decade.

For some reason, Donghyuck remembers how much Renjun likes reading neuroscience studies for fun. He doesn’t know anyone else who would read neuroscience studies. For fun. But anyway, back to his point, there was a neuroscience study that Renjun has been blabbing about during their US tour. It was something about when someone recalls an old memory, a representation of the entire event is instantaneously reactivated in the brain that often includes the people, location, smells, music, and other trivia. Recalling old memories can have a cinematic quality. Memories often seem to play out in the mind's eye like an old Super 8 home movie or vintage Technicolor film. Neuroscientists discovered that when someone tries to remember a singular aspect of an event from his or her past—such as a recent birthday party—that a complete representation of the entire scene is reactivated in the brain like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle coming together to create a vivid recollection. The new research reveals that humans remember life events using individual threads, that are coupled together into a tapestry of associations.

Donghyuck’s never really understood what Renjun meant at that time, except now.

He stands there, a good ten-meter distance from where you’re sitting. The pavement on the sidewalk isn’t the most comfortable place to sit in, but Donghyuck thinks it might just be, with how comfortable and at peace you look: legs stretched out to the street, headphones covering your ears, a book (or a journal perhaps, Donghyuck can’t see well from here) in one of your hands while the other is twirling a pen.

The scene takes him back to ten years ago, in the exact same place where you’re sitting, and if Donghyuck thinks about it now, it seems like nothing’s really change—except he’s almost twenty-three now, and despite him standing a few meters away from you, it feels like you and him are worlds away. And from what it looks like, you still love writing as much as Donghyuck loves singing.

It was a warm evening in May 2013, a couple of weeks before school ended and summer would officially start, counting down the nights when Donghyuck would have to move back to Seoul, and it was way too hot for Donghyuck’s liking. Nana didn’t have an air-conditioning system yet; his father was working hard to get her one before they leave for Seoul because summers can be crazy hot in Jeju-do. And Donghyuck needed a popsicle so bad, otherwise, he’d probably explode.

He found you the same place where you are now. Donghyuck thought your SHINEE shirt looked cute because while girls your age liked the newly debuted EXO, you still listened to SHINEE like a religion. You were sitting with your legs sprawled on the street, right under the streetlight, a pen in one hand and your old, beaten up journal on the other. Your eyebrows were furrowed, and Donghyuck caught himself before he could start thinking about how pretty you looked like that: focused and doing what you loved.

Donghyuck decided not to disrupt your focus and opted to go straight inside the small store, spending the last of his money on yours and his favorite: lime and cherry twin popsicle—the kind that’s packaged in one, two flavors in one, lime green and cherry red colors separated in the middle between popsicle sticks. Lime for you, cherry for him. You didn’t look up when he sat beside you, but took the lime-flavored popsicle from his hand when he handed it to you after peeling off the plastic cover and breaking it into two.

“Thanks,” you mumbled, taking the ice-cold treat in your mouth. Donghyuck couldn’t help but think his cherry-flavored popsicle resembled the color of your lips.

Donghyuck nodded his thoughts away, leaning in to peak at the page you’re working on. “What are you working on?” he asked it while the popsicle rested on one side of his mouth, his left cheek protruding.

You shrugged, taking the popsicle off your mouth, showing your work to him. Donghyuck found it endearing that you write all over the pages of your journals, it was as though he could see your train of thoughts: some smudged, some erased under ink but not really because he could still read through it, some clear as day, some to never see daylight again.

“I was in Science class today,” you started.

“We’re in the same homeroom, dumbass. I was there.”

“I’m talking,” you whined. “And I doubt you were even listening. You hate Science more than anything.”

“Fair point,” he hummed. “Okay, what about Science class? Please don’t tell me you’ll start writing about Science. Because I’m so sorry. I’ll never read any of your work ever again if you decide to do that.”

You laughed, the melody of your fondness of his jokes creating its own room inside the crevices of Donghyuck’s brain. “Teacher Kim was talking about symbiosis.”

“I’m not even going to pretend I know what that means.”

“Symbiosis is a term describing any relationship or interaction between two dissimilar organisms. The specific kind of symbiosis depends on whether either or both organisms benefit from the relationship,” you continued. “Butterflies and flowers, they are the best examples of symbiosis.”

Donghyuck nodded, savoring the sweetness of his cherry-flavored treat.

“Hence I did some research and read more about butterflies and flowers, and I read something a little sad,” you trailed off. “I learned that certain flowers bloom when butterflies hatch and depends on how they match each other. Butterflies, they prefer light-colored flowers they can perch on. So, when the timing is off, the flower misses the butterfly. The butterfly, therefore, finds another flower.”

“Then what happens to the flower?” Donghyuck asked, watching as you try to catch the melting piece off your popsicle, taking it back to your mouth. Your lips looked really pretty. “If it misses all the timing?”

“Well,” you shrugged, looking up to the night sky. The stars in Jeju-do that night were much prettier than it is in Seoul. “They bloom again next year, and hope that maybe next time, the timing is better. That the butterfly arrives just in time for the flowers to bloom.

“That is a little sad,” Donghyuck acknowledged. He watched you look back down, grimacing a little as you take the popsicle off your mouth. “Wanna try mine?” he asked before he could think about it.

You looked back at him. The stars in Jeju-do turned out to be nothing compared to your eyes. “Yeah?”

Donghyuck pulled the sweet treat from his mouth just as you hand him your lime-flavored one. He took it in his mouth, and Donghyuck had never been the biggest fan of anything sour, but for some reason, the lime flavor tasted sweeter than ever. You took his cherry-flavored ones, groaning in delight as you taste the treat’s sweetness.

“Cherry has always been my favorite,” you’d confessed, and Donghyuck was surprised because you’d always gotten the lime-flavored ones. The twin pops were your thing since you met summer of 2006—it was cheap, practical for two kids, two-in-one; you’d always choose the lime ones. “God, this is good.”

“You literally always take the lime ones,” he argued. “My whole life has been a lie. I’ve always thought lime was your favorite because you always take it whenever we get this!”

You shrugged. “You never liked anything sour,” you said like it’s the easiest thing to say, like it didn’t make Donghyuck’s heart somersault. “And I can take a little bit of sourness if it means you enjoy your cherry-flavored popsicle.”

Donghyuck was only twelve. He didn’t know anything about falling in love, but that night might just be the closest thing.

“So, you drink alcohol to help you fall asleep?” you ask as if it’s the most interesting solution to insomnia. Donghyuck thinks it isn’t; he’s read somewhere online that alcohol really helps. “That’s stupid.”

Donghyuck shrugs. “It’s not really working great right now. But it helps.”

He sits beside you on the sidewalk, legs sprawled out just like yours, a can of cold beer one hand while the other holds him up, flat on the rough pavement. There’s no particular reason why Donghyuck’s talking to you now. You and him got off the wrong foot, and it’s not like you can really blame Donghyuck for seeing a (supposed) stranger sleeping at his grandmother’s patio. And you were friends. Even though it’s been years, Donghyuck reckons talking to you would do no harm. Besides, if he’s staying here for a few months, a companion would probably make it less miserable.

“And your father thinks coming to Jeju-do would help, too?” you ask.

Donghyuck chuckles. “I guess you could say that. What else have you heard about me?”

You look at him, away from the street and right into his eyes. Donghyuck wonders why he didn’t recognize you the first time he saw you. Your face looks the same from the day he bid you goodbye a decade ago—lips colored in cherry, eyes bright as the stars, cheeks soft all over.

“A lot,” you answer. “But I’ve never been one to believe in rumors anyway.”

Donghyuck licks his lips. “The rumors are true.”

“Not about the sleeping around and getting drunk, pabo,” you mutter. “That, I believe.”

“Which ones?” he asks.

“People are saying you no longer like being on stage,” you say. It’s not the first time Donghyuck’s heard it. “That you’ve been burnt out from working all these years. And that you don’t care about music anymore.”

Donghyuck snickers. “That’s true, too.” He throws his head back, chugging on the cold beer. “I’m so over it. I don’t even care what happens after this.”

“Oh, Donghyuckie,” you whisper softly, eyes still glued to his face. “What has the limelight done to you?”

Donghyuck only shrugs, finishing off the rest of the cold beer, helping himself up and taking the plastic bag full of iced cold beer from the store.

“I don’t think that’s something you should be worried about,” Donghyuck says. You keep your eyes on him, so you’re looking up from where you’re seated and Donghyuck looks down on you. “It’s getting late. Wanna go drink at Nana’s?”

“Nana would kill you if she finds alcohol inside her house,” you say.

“I’ve snuck in about twenty bottles since I arrived last week and she hasn’t noticed,” he confesses.

“You’re a fucking nightmare,” you laugh.

Donghyuck freezes for a moment, watching you stand in between giggles. Mark said the same think a couple of weeks ago, but it doesn’t sting when you say it. You say it in laughter. Like it’s okay. Like it doesn’t scare you.

“My house is down the street,” you say, helping yourself up and standing in front of him. Donghyuck remembers. “I’ll call Nana and let her know you’re with me.”

A bark startles Donghyuck for a second. You and him turn to find a golden Labrador running towards where you stand.

“Aw, my baby’s here to pick me up,” you announce with the softest voice. The lab runs, almost dashes towards you, and Donghyuck is taken aback when it tackles him—not you—knocking the plastic bag off his hands and resulting to him landing his butt back to the pavement. “Pororo!” you shriek, not in surprise but with a tone of betrayal. “I’m your mother!”

Donghyuck hears you shriek, but laughs through it because the golden lab is hogging him, licking him all over as if he’d miss him all these years. “Oh, baby, you’re so cute,” he coos, cradling the dog by its face, looking up at you as the dog licks his face. “This is yours?”

You fight back a smile, but you lose immediately because your face breaks with a grin. “What has the limelight done to you?” you ask, the same question from earlier, but a different tone—teasing, nostalgic, like years ago.

The dog sniffs him all over and you stand there watching them.

“Can’t even recognize your own dog now?” you tease, walking so you could pet the dog and have him follow you. “It’s the puppy Nana got you a month before you left Seoul. You couldn’t bring him with you, and Nana couldn’t take care of him when you left, so I adopted him, pabo.”

“Pororo?” Donghyuck finally, finally recognizes. Pororo looks like he’s nodding, like saying thank God, you remembered me! The dog goes back to tackle him. “Oh, Pororo! My baby!”

You lead the way to your house, Pororo following after you. He watches you take several steps ahead of him. He feels dizzy watching the scene in front of him. Donghyuck understands what Renjun is talking about now.

Humans remember a singular aspect of an event from his or her past that a complete representation of the entire scene is reactivated in the brain like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle coming together to create a vivid recollection. You’re the representation of his entire life in Jeju-do, a clear image before Haechan, and he’s fucking sorry he forgot about you all these years.

But that’s an apology you’d never hear from him. Instead, he watches you, taking a small step towards you, and decides he’ll allow his unsaid apology to be added on the long list of reasons why he can’t sleep at night.

Nostalgia comes in waves, they say, but why do you bring it to him like a hurricane?

Donghyuck could say that Nana is impressed with the drastic change of character in the span of six weeks.

She’s been treating him better these days; by “better”, Donghyuck means she’s been cutting off a few hours from work so he could spend more time at her home, guarding the hens and roosters that serve at her alarm clock and watering her plants from her small vegetable garden. She’s also been paying him, giving him a small envelope with cash and a small paper that resembled a payslip showing the number of hours he’d work for the week, and Donghyuck ignores the quick jump from his heart when he sees your signature at the end of it, affirming that the hours listed are accurate. Donghyuck takes the money, of course, after Nana threatened to beat him up because she’d be breaking Korea’s labor laws if he doesn’t accept it, and he keeps it all in a small box in his room, planning to show it to his members when he goes back to Seoul and brag about working like a normal civilian at the age of 23.

There is a pinch in his heart when he remembers his members. While Donghyuck has been working on (and failing to) sober up for an entire month, his members have not called nor texted him. He’d been reaching out, of course. Some of his members have been assigned solo projects and activities in the last month, and he ensures to congratulate them. All he’s gotten so far are the receipts that his messages have been read.

Donghyuck convinces himself that it’s probably SM that advised everyone not to give him a time of their day, that they probably think being away from work means disconnecting from everyone, too, that his members love him and also believe that he needs some time off from everything.

But the convincing can only do much. The convincing distracts him while he’s at work, or while he’s watering Nana’s plants, but it doesn’t do much at night. Still, after six weeks, Donghyuck is nowhere near clean.

He wakes up with a terrible headache every day (from lack of sleep or hangover, he’s not really certain), and his Nana has been oddly making hangover soup for breakfast. Donghyuck wonders whether you’d ratted him out or his mother had called her about it. Either way, she probably knows something’s up.

His mother had called him a few times now, Seungyeon, too, and it’s been casual. His mother’s voice always sounded like she’s walking on eggshells whenever she’d call, blurting a half-assed apology for not seeing him before he left and telling him she’d forgiven him and that she’s looking forward to seeing her in a few months. Seungyeon talks to him the most, almost every day, in short text messages and 10-minute calls on the weekends when she doesn’t have to worry about waking up early the next day. And she talks to him about the most random thing, nothing ever related to his obsession with drinking or the scandal, which makes Donghyuck feel better somehow.

Six weeks didn’t make much of a difference, not that Donghyuck was expecting any. The only thing that’s changed so far is that, he’s not as exhausted as he was in Seoul despite his shitty sleeping schedule continuously fucking up his already deteriorated mental health. He hasn’t been listening to songs for quite a while, and he’s been drinking every night. And if it means anything to him, you’ve been hanging out with him while he drinks.

In six weeks, he learns that you’re not much of a drinker. You don’t have many friends that you could really invite for a drink in a nearby pub or in a samgyeopsal restaurant. You’d mentioned that most people your age have all moved on to different places, spewing names that were once familiar to Donghyuck and telling him where they are now. Donghyuck is yet to learn why you had stayed in Jeju-do, not once stepping in Seoul, when the world off this island’s shores are much, much bigger than you think.

It’s two in the morning. You’d taken him home because he could barely keep his head up with the number of soju bottles he had downed, and he appreciates that you try to stay quiet when you put him to bed and leave, keeping the blinds closed because he’d told you once that the morning sunlight seeping through spaces between the curtains hurt his eyes. You’d left when Donghyuck’s barely awake.

His phone dings a notification. Donghyuck probably won’t remember so he reaches over, checking it and recognizing his mother’s name.

She sends him an article about the upcoming debut of NCT DoJaeJung, and Donghyuck’s seen it in the groupchat for some time now. Donghyuck isn’t even halfway down the article when she sends another one: Mark’s solo song.

She doesn’t add another message, and he sees her status change from online to offline in a split second, but she doesn’t really have to say anything else for him to understand.

Donghyuck’s dream has always been the spotlight.

Or at least, as he recognizes now, his mother’s dream for him has always been the spotlight.

Donghyuck always thought he loved making people happy and singing equally.

While people called him kind and a ray of sunshine, Mark’s always called him out for being a people-pleaser, reminding him that he doesn’t have to make sure everyone is happy with the choices he’d make, telling him he doesn’t have to feel the strong urge to please everyone. And Donghyuck never understood it until now, now that he’s wide awake and looking at his mother’s messages. She’s probably expecting a solo project for him, too, and she sends these things that make her happy, and she’s already expecting him he’d do it no matter what. Donghyuck’s mother is a good person; he’d look up at her and think to himself that when he grows up, he’d want to be as supportive as his mother, and don’t get him wrong when he says she expects him to do anything that’d make her happy. Because this is all Donghyuck’s fault, anyway.

With his desire to make her the happiest, he’s done everything he could to make her happy, even at his own expense.

The infamous Saturday audition at SM was something Donghyuck never thought about—not at the age of 13 when he had just gotten back in Seoul after five years of staying in Jeju-do. His accent has changed and he reckons he could have a good relationship with boys his age who grew up in the city. And as much as he loved performing, Donghyuck doesn’t like being criticized. He doesn’t like rejection, and he can’t bare the thought of adults telling him he couldn’t sing.

Hence, his initial answer to his mother’s proposal to visit SM Entertainment and give it a try was no. The only thing that had made him go, knees shaking and palms sweaty, was his mother’s words: “It’ll truly make me happy if you give it a try.”

She’d said it in many occasions, and Donghyuck’s given everything that’d make her happy a try. She’d never said a bad thing and even told him a few times that it’s okay if he doesn’t want to, but he does it anyway.

Donghyuck was afraid that she’d love him less if he didn’t make her happy. He was only thirteen, and his twenty-three now, and his biggest fear hasn’t changed: to be loved less because he didn’t make them happy enough.

So, Haechan blurts out the most random jokes when the cameras are on and initiates skinship with the member even if they abhor him for it and style his hair a different way, because it makes the fans happy. Haechan stays up learning the tune of the new song and recording himself in his phone for hours even after an entire day of physical activities, because it makes the producers happy. Haechan takes his friends and the younger members to dinner after a 16-hour flight from the west on the night of his birthday—his eyes barely open the entire time—because it makes them happy. Haechan plays the maknae role perfectly, even when at times he’s tired of it, because it makes the older members happy. Haechan continues to be a sunny and bright character even on days when he’s exhausted, because it makes his managers happy.

But the truth is, Donghyuck doesn’t like dyeing his hair. His hair’s gotten so unhealthy from dyeing it different colors last year.

Donghyuck feels awful sometimes, when his friends do not return his affection, but he plays it off, feigning hurt even when it actually does.

Donghyuck wants to sleep after a 16-hour flight.

Donghyuck wants to drink with his hyungs, too.

Donghyuck just wants to sing and write songs when he’s learned enough.

Donghyuck doesn’t want to be like Mark, or Doyoung, or anyone else.

Donghyuck wants Haechan to be… Donghyuck.

Donghyuck wants to be happy—in his own terms, by his own choices.

But how can he be happy when he’s always depended his happiness on the people he loves?

Donghyuck feels like a dead man walking.

You and Donghyuck are tasked to bring the harvested fruits at the farmer’s market in the early hours of Sunday.

It’s barely five in the morning, and the sun’s not even out yet, but you had forced him to sleep early the night before to make sure he’d accompany you to the market. (He didn’t sleep though; he lied awake until his phone rang and you’re calling from outside.) You’d driven the farm’s truck to get here, and Donghyuck can’t help but admire the way you hold the steering wheel with one hand.

Donghyuck helps you carry the boxes out of the truck, arranging them in front of his grandmother’s store. You had walked in while he carries the rest inside and Donghyuck hears you talk to Eunseuk, his Nana’s sales person who handles and manages their place in the public market.

“That’s awful,” Donghyuck hears you say as soon as he places the last of the boxes in a corner. “Can’t the mayor do anything about it?

Eunseuk sighs, shaking her head. “Unfortunately, it looks like the donation project Nana’s driven wasn’t enough. She barely made enough profit last quarter because she’d donated most of it to the project.”

“What is awful and what project are we talking about?” Donghyuck interrupts.

Eunseuk smiles sadly at him. “The clinic that Nana’s been proposing to the mayor for years now. The town’s mayor thinks it’s not going to be built this year.” Donghyuck’s never heard of it.

“The community has a lot of elderly people who live alone in Jeju-do,” you explain when you notice his curiosity. “Especially in here in the island, even more here in our town. Most people leave Jeju-do at the age of eighteen to find a better life in Seoul, which is ridiculous because there’s no place better than Jeju-do, and Nana thought it’d be great if she built a small clinic for the elderly nearby, that way they wouldn’t have to travel fifty kilometers to visit the nearest hospital. It’d be great if the elderly can have themselves checked for free and to have, if not all, most equipment they’d need.”

“How is that possible?” Donghyuck asks.

“Well,” Eunseuk starts. “First, we need the funds to actually build the clinic itself. Nana is halfway through the amount needed. The mayor’s children are doctors, and if he wants to keep winning the next elections, I’m sure he’d be happy to have them volunteer.”

“What about maintenance?” he asks.

“Good question,” you say. “And good thinking. I like it, you’re already thinking ahead, Donghyuck-ah. Anyway, the elderly is very much willing to do community service in exchange of the maintenance of the small clinic. And don’t worry, it’s not like Nana’s going to make them work like horses.”

“Services like crocheting products for the local market,” Eunseuk adds. “Food manufacturing—the kind that would allow them to make while sitting down, local farming, jewelry-making, and the like. Things we can sell in the market. You know how tourists are so keen on buying anything hand-made.”

“So, a clinic for the elderly built and maintained by the elderly?” Donghyuck sums up.

“Exactly!”

“How much are we looking at in terms of money?” He asks.

You chuckle. “If you’re grandmother wanted to ask money from you, she would have already. She has some kind of pride, you know.”

“Well, I’ll give it you and you tell her it’s an anonymous donation.”

“As if she’d believe that bullshit,” you answer. “Anyway, Eunseuk-eonnie, what do we do now?”

The older woman shrugs. “We’ll keep selling tangerines until we reach the goal, I guess.”

Donghyuck talks before he could think about it. “I can do something.”

You and Eunseuk look at him like you’d just seen a ghost.

“I don’t know what I can offer,” he says right away. “But I’ll… I think I can do something.”

“Donghyuck,” you say. “You can sing.”

“I am aware,” he jokes.

“No, you can sing,” you repeat. Donghyuck looks back at you. “You can sing, so I’m sure you can teach people how to sing.”

“And?” He doesn’t get it.

“It’s summer,” you answer. “Most kids are bored and are probably looking for something meaningful to do while they wait for school to start again. Teach kids how to sing and have their parents pay for it!”

Donghyuck thinks it’s a good idea. “And you can write.”

You freeze. “No.”

“Teach kids how to write and have their parents pay for it.”

“Over my dead body!”

“I will do it only if you do it.”

Eunseuk laughs, “Oh, this is good.”

“No, Donghyuck. I’m not a professional writer. I didn’t even go to college. I don’t have the credentials for it.”

“You don’t have to go college to be a writer,” he snorts. “Scott Fitzgerald didn’t even finish college.”

“Where’d you even learn that?”

“You told me when we were kids!” he answers, laughing. “Come on, Y/N. I’m sure Nana can find someone to do your job in the farm while we teach kids.”

“I don’t know, Donghyuck,” you sigh.

Eunseuk lightly slaps your arm. “Come on, young lady. Do it for the elderly.”

“Yeah, Y/N, do it for the elderly.”

The sparkle in your eyes and the smile on your lips tell Donghyuck you agree.

And so, the plan goes accordingly.

Donghyuck could say that Nana is more than delighted to learn that his delinquent and embarrassing grandson, who’s spent all this time pretending he doesn’t care, had decided to help out. You’d done the most part, of course— obtaining the permit from the mayor’s office and settling all the paperwork needed. All Donghyuck had to do was to help clean up and renovate his grandfather’s old office in the farm. Everyone else who had some free time helped because apparently, that’s what this community does. Donghyuck could probably get used to receiving help without him asking for it.

So, in more or less five days, his grandfather’s old office, which is about forty square meters, had turned into the community’s summer class headquarters. You and Donghyuck decided to call it Nana’s Music and Literature Classes. And with the help of Eunseuk and some of the workers, the word spread like news from the radio. In a week’s time, you and Donghyuck have over twenty student each. Mondays and Wednesdays were his schedule; yours were Tuesdays and Thursdays. Fridays were called Hyuckie and Y/C/N’s day—which means you and him would dedicate an entire day brainstorming and talking about your class’ progress.

The summer courses would take eight weeks to complete, and at the end of it would be a competition, in which the Mayor promised he’d give a very big reward for. Those who enrolled in Donghyuck’s classes would have a recital at the end of summer where the kids will hold a small concert for the town—tickets to be sold as part of the drive, of course—and the judges will be identified to select three winners. As for your classes, it will be a short story competition, and the winners will be announced on the night of the small concert, which Donghyuck is the best ending any summer could have.

The place is cramped, and Donghyuck’s never been more excited his entire life.

He’s gone to many places and met with many prominent people in this lifetime. But he’s decided that this is the most exhilarating day of his life.

The parents leave as soon as Donghyuck assures them that the kids will be safe and will be all set for pick up by 3 in the afternoon. You’re talking to the kids while he ensures that the room is cool enough for everybody. The room is filled with excitement that Donghyuck could feel inside him. He learned from the parents he’d met just a few minutes ago that the town doesn’t really offer things like this for children and that they’d have to send their kids to summer camp in the mainland if they wanted them to experience this, and the fact that you and him are doing this for a cause makes it even better.

Donghyuck views this like it’s not as big as the drives NCT had been doing, or the charity concerts he takes part in, or the money he donates to various causes, but to the people of the town, it’s bigger than anything they had ever known.

“Aigoo,” one of the parents cooed when she’d seen Donghyuck greet everybody outside. “Your grandparents have always been kind. They’d been the pillar of this small town for quite some time now. I’m glad you’re growing up a good man.”

You’d smiled at him when you heard that, and Donghyuck wonders if you also think he’s growing up a good man, because he thinks you grew up to be such an amazing, compassionate person.

“Hello, kids!” Donghyuck greets. Everybody says it back with the same enthusiasm, and despite having been in hundreds of shows with thousands of people in the audience, he can’t remember the last time a crowd made him feel alive.

Donghyuck hates being recognized.

When his career had just started, he thought that the greatest compliment was to be recognized. He thought that he’d measure his success with the number of people from the general public who could recognize him under a hat and with a face mask covering half his face. But in the latter years of his career, he’d learned the hard way that he hated being seen and being recognized.

There had been many happenstances in his job in which he’d just wish he was invisible for a moment. Anytime he’s in an airport, regardless it was for an event or concert overseas, or worst of it all, a vacation with his family, all Donghyuck wants is for people not to know who he is. In afternoon runs by himself, all he needs is a time alone and not girls following him and taking pictures of him. On days when he’s out with friends and family, all he hopes is peace. This comes with the job, Johnny would tell him whenever he’d get frisky and annoyed, but Donghyuck never really understood why his privacy is anyone’s business. Never really understood why he had to go through this when all he’s ever really wanted was sing.

Donghyuck hates being seen.

More than anything. Especially when he’s trying hard to hide. And he wishes he’s only talking about his physical appearance being seen. He hates that his grandmother sees through him but doesn’t say anything about it unless he opens up first. He hates that Mark, his best friend in the entire world, sees right through his walls and that all Donghyuck’s done is push him away and make him hate him even more. He hates that his father sees his pain, but doesn’t talk about it for some reason. He hates that you see him—all of him—but you don’t look at him with disgust or pity or anything of that sort.

It’s Friday, yours and his day, the second one since summer school’s started, and he’d started calling you by your childhood nickname again. You’d grimaced the first time and told him nobody’s called you that in a long time, but allowed him nonetheless.

The clock strikes six in the afternoon and the dusk had just settled in the horizon. You and him are sitting on the floor of his room, facing each other, separated by a small table, notepads scattered, ideas running a hundred miles per second.

“This is perfect,” you comment when you and him had finished planning out next week’s daily agenda. “The kids are going to love it!”

Donghyuck stays silent, eyes on you as you finally set your pen down.

“What should we have for dinner?” you ask, eyes still on the notepad. “Nana’s probably heating up some leftover galbi, but I think we should make some kimchi stew, too.”

Donghyuck hums. You look up at him. “What’s wrong?”

He shakes his head. “Nothing. I just had something in mind.”

You tilt your head. “Tell me.”

“It’s a question,” he says. “And if I say it, you’d have to answer.”

You think about it for a moment. Donghyuck almost takes it back. “Sure.”

“Really?”

You nod. “As long as you answer a question from me, too.”

Donghyuck pretends to think about it. “Can we set some rules?”

“It’s literally one question,” you snort. “Come on. Ask me.”

“No, ask me first,” he insists.

“You asked first.”

“No. Ask me first,” he repeats.

You scoff. “Fine. You have to tell me the truth, yeah?” A nod. “Ready?” Another.

Donghyuck holds his breath for a moment and you don’t say anything for about a minute, probably thinking the same as him: this is the only chance both of you are honest and open, might as well ask a question one wouldn’t answer on a normal day.

“How are you?”

He exhales the breath he’s been holding and nearly breaks down in tears when he hears the question you’d decided to ask. He’s sure you’ve heard of it all. Everything’s been all over the internet for the past two months he’d been in hiding in Jeju-do: the drinking, the nights in clubs and bars, the fights with the members, the cherry on top which is the scandal. It’d all spiraled into everything he was initially afraid of. The girl he’d met at the back of the club had sold him to reporters and had made up a story of how they’ve been in a sexual relationship for quite some time. The media had dug up stories of him being out of control in the streets when he’s shitfaced from all the soju he had and had posted tales of him asking multiple women to sleep with him whenever he’s drunk.

The agency sued everyone for making shit up, of course, but Donghyuck knows half of those are the truth. He has not been the best group member in a long time: always late in practices, grumpy and hangover during fan signs, lethargic during concerts, and fucking up performances. He’s lost himself, and he’s losing everyone in the process of it.

People ask him if he’d really had sex with someone at the back of a bar. They’d ask him why he never asked for help with his drinking problem. Comments from his Instagram would tell him to back off and just leave the group. Fans from calls and fan signs would ask him why he’d stop making covers of the songs he loved and why he hasn’t been on Bubble in a long period of time.

But nobody else had really asked him how he’s been aside from Nana, who he doesn’t have the heart to open up to.

“I—” He starts but swallows, breathing in. You wait for him. “I’m—I don’t really—I’m not sure if I can.”

You nod. “Take your time, Donghyuck.”

Donghyuck reminds himself to breathe.

How is he? How has been holding up after everything that’s happened?

He’s lost his spark. He’s lost his love for music, his passion for the stage, the sparkle in his eyes. He’s losing the people he loves. He’s losing his friends. And he’s losing a battle with himself.

He’s—

“I’m, ” he tries again. “Y/N, I’m not okay.”

It pours like rain, his tears. He shakes when he cries and his chest is tight and it’s hard to breathe, but he keeps crying because it’s the only time he ever will. He sobs in pain and holds himself when his entire body shakes from the ache of it all.

He’s grieving, weeping, like how one would in a funeral, because how does he ask for forgiveness? How does he ask forgiveness from his parents and siblings? From his members? From his fans? From the staff and the people who’d brought him to where he is? How does he ask forgiveness from little Donghyuck when all he’d wanted was for him to grow up a good man?

You let him cry, and only reach out to hand him a handkerchief when he’s done. You don’t say anything. Instead you kneel and reach over to hug him from the other side. Donghyuck accepts your tenderness.

“I don’t have anything else to ask,” you murmur against his hair. “But I do want to say that you’re loved in ways you probably have forgotten already. You’ve probably been used to love that’s loud—screaming and flamboyant and beautiful and everything anyone would want—but you’re also loved quietly. In a small, serene room. In a way you’ve forgotten.”

“Thank you,” he says, sniffling, a little embarrassed now. “I’m sorry. I probably ruined the moment.”

You chuckle, pulling away, and Donghyuck’s heart does flips when you kiss the top of his head like you always did when you were younger. He doesn’t know why he remembers all of a sudden.

“Stop apologizing,” you reply. “There’s nothing to apologize about.”

“There’s a lot,” he admits. “I didn’t recognize you the first time I saw you. We did everything when we were kids, and I didn’t recognize you.”

“And it’s okay,” you assure, holding the top of his hand that’s resting on the small table. “I didn’t expect you to recognize me right away. You were worlds away from me. We forget people and that’s okay.”

He shakes his head. “It’s not. I promised to keep in touch, and I never did. I’m sorry.”

You nod. “You’re forgiven.”

Donghyuck sighs in relief. “I doubt, but okay.”

“Trust me.” He does. “Anyway, you were going to ask me something. You’re not allowed to ask the same thing because I’d just answer that I’m tired and I want to sleep. Nothing big happens in my life.”

Donghyuck smiles again. “Ready?” A nod. “Why’d you never leave Jeju-do?”

It seems like you didn’t expect the question because your face tells Donghyuck you’re surprised by what he just asked. You lick your lip and exhale largely, looking everywhere but his eyes. Donghyuck allows you to take your time, and you’re not running away so he’s assuming you’re thinking of an answer for him.

“I don’t have a dream,” is your answer. “My parents think it’s not normal. Because even they had already left the town and moved to a bigger place off the island. People think it’s impossible that I don’t have a dream, that I must want something in life, I just haven’t discovered it yet. And I’m twenty-three, I’m still waiting for my awakening, for dreams to find me, but it hasn’t. I don’t want to do anything in life but just… survive.”

Donghyuck only listens. “In high school, when we were deciding what to take up in college and which college we’d go to, I had nothing in mind. I didn’t want a career—not an engineer, not a teacher, not a doctor, none of those. I couldn’t think of anything. Writing is something that I love doing, but I really can’t see myself pursuing it as a career. I don’t want to end up hating it. I’ve always been convinced that I wasn’t specifically good at anything apart from that. I’m okay with all subjects at school, average grades and all, but nothing ever stood out for me. I never stood out. And I was okay with it for a reason I still don’t know. I was okay with not having dreams. College was the only reason for me to leave Jeju-do. There’s nothing else, therefore I’m still here. At twenty-three, I haven’t accomplished much, and if you want me to be all out and honest,” you sigh. “It’s… it’s starting to scare me.”

“What scares you?”

“That I haven’t accomplished anything yet,” you admit. “I’m not one to, you know, force myself to people and make them remember me. I wasn’t scared of oblivion. Until… these days, I’ve been asking myself, how are people going to remember me?”

Donghyuck nods, urges you to continue.

“Are they going to remember me as someone who helps out in your Nana’s farm because I had nothing to do?” you voice out. “Are they going to remember me as someone who brings all the deliveries to the farmer’s market when the staff is unavailable? Are they going to remember be as Eunseuk’s co-worker? Are they going to remember me at all?”

“Can I tell you something?” he asks but doesn’t wait for you to answer. “I know I’m not in the position to say anything about remembering you when I couldn’t recognize you the first time we met after a decade, but I remember you by the way I see cherry blossoms.”

You tilt your head to the side. “Is that a good thing?”

“We met in a puddle of fallen cherry blossoms in summer of 2006,” he explains. “I remember you by the way you admired flowers that fall off from its stem, by the way you loved fallen and broken things equally when they were perfect and when they stood still. I may have awfully forgotten you all these years, but the way I see cherry blossoms is the exact same way you see them.”

Donghyuck continues, “You know how they say we’re a manifestation of all the people we met, right? That we’re a mosaic of everything we’ve ever learned from them. To me, I remember you as the clear image of who I was before… before everything that’s happened. I remember you as someone helping me find my way back home.”

“Donghyuck,” you trail off. “That’s the… best thing anyone’s ever said to me.”

Donghyuck smiles. “And so, what if you don’t have big dreams? Dreams are just dreams anyway. You don’t have to have one if you don’t want to. You shouldn’t have to struggle so much in order to live.”

“Do people know you’re this kind and profound?” you chuckle. “People should see this side of Lee Donghyuck.”

“Call yourself lucky you’re the only one,” he answers.

“What’s wrong with people seeing this side?”

Donghyuck shrugs. “I don’t think they’d want the boring kind. I think they like me better when I’m funny and over the top and a sucker for attention.”

“Well,” you click your tongue. “I like you either way.”

Donghyuck is barely twenty-three. And if he knows anything about falling in love, this might just be the moment he truly learns it.

You and him end up falling asleep on his bed. Donghyuck likes to think he doesn’t really remember how it happened. You’d told him you’d sleep in the hammock at his house’s patio, but he’d insisted to sleep in his room, of course. Reason? Mosquitoes, of course. Donghyuck said he’d sleep on the floor, taking an extra pillow, but you were already half asleep, moving so your body is right by the wall, safe and sound. You’d save the extra space for him to sleep beside you. Donghyuck likes to think he’d fallen asleep because he was exhausted and not because he felt safe around you.

It’s the longest sleep he’s had in a long time.

He wakes up at eight in the morning, the room already warm despite the air-conditioning system still switched on. You are no longer beside him, but he clearly hears your voice from outside.

Donghyuck gets up, going straight outside and finds everyone from the farm gathered around for breakfast outside his grandmother’s house. He’d forgotten that his Nana invited everybody for a scrumptious breakfast today, Saturday, and he wonders why neither you nor Nana herself had woken him up to help out.

Farmers and harvesters pass a plate to one another. A long table is set up in the middle of Nana’s driveway space, various of dishes laid out, and Donghyuck finds you holding two pitchers of tangerine juice, walking around to fill up the workers’ cups.

It’s Eunseuk who sees Donghyuck standing by the patio watching everybody move around.

“There’s our Donghyuckie!” she announces.

Everyone looks at him and greets him a good morning. Nana shouts his name and asks him to come over and eat some breakfast. You squint when you look at him, the sun blinding your eyes, but you smile as soon as he waves hi.

Donghyuck can’t help but think being recognized is not so bad after all.

Donghyuck spends the rest of summer like a kid.

Except he goes to work at Nana’s Music and Literature Classes on Mondays and Wednesdays, goes to the farm on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and spends his Fridays with you. He learns many things over the summer, especially about the community and the town itself. He meets more people as Donghyuck, Nana’s grandson who teaches children how to sing and who helps out in the farm two days a week. They accept him as he is, and he feels like seven again, meeting new people every day until they all remember him by his name.

Among the things he’s learned, he likes learning how your lips taste the most.

It was sudden, unplanned, the kind where he didn’t know he was doing it until he’s done it. You and him were ending a Friday session at your place that time, the place where he used to hide his drinks, and he was so elated that he wasn’t going home drunk for the first time since he arrived in Jeju-do. And he was bidding you goodbye. He’d leaned it like it was the most natural thing to do and caught your lips in his. You shrieked in surprise, unable to say anything, but tipped on your toes and gave him a second kiss before turning and running inside your house.

You didn’t talk about it, and Donghyuck felt like it was not something to talk about. You had voiced out you liked him in many occasions, and Donghyuck’s been relentlessly flirting with you since the night you fell asleep in his room. The signs were never mixed and the lines were never blurred. Donghyuck’s grown much closer to you more than anyone else in the world, and he’s been falling asleep in the safety of your arms these days. It was safe to say the kisses weren’t meaningless.

The night of his class’ recital comes quickly.

Donghyuck spend the entire two days practicing with each of his students while you were busy reading all of your students’ works and giving them feedback before they submit it to the Mayor’s office. You find him getting ready in his room, dressed in the only button-down shirt he brought from Seoul and a pair of slacks. Meanwhile, it’s the first time he’s seeing you in a dress that somehow matches the colors of his outfit.

“Looking great, handsome,” you say.

Donghyuck pulls you for a kiss. “Could say the same to you, beautiful.”

“Why are you so touchy these days?” you whine but lean back to kiss him again anyway. “Ready? One of the parents called and said his kid is already in the venue. They’re excited.”

Donghyuck nods, grabbing a jacket just in case it gets cold later tonight, and leads the way out. Nana is dressed in a pretty dress Donghyuck gave her for Christmas last year. Donghyuck drives to the venue and finds himself nervous for the first time in a long time.

You’d managed to convince him to sing tonight despite his persistent refusal.

“Come on, Donghyuck,” you begged, pulling him by the end of his shirt as he harvests tangerines. “The audience will love you!”

“They paid their tickets to watch the kids of the community sing, not me,” he argued. “And besides, I haven’t sung in like, four months. Who knows? I may have forgotten to sing already.”

“Bullshit,” you said. “Your Nana would want to hear you sing live.”

“She’s already heard me sing live many times,” he replied. “She’s been to many concerts.”

You tilt you head, a habit he’s grown to really like. “But I haven’t.”

Donghyuck had wanted to kiss the pout off your lips at that time. “Watch it from Youtube.”

“You don’t get many lines!” you said.

“So, you do watch my performances in Youtube, huh?” he teased. “Only in NCT 127 I don’t get so much lines because there are more members. Try to listen to NCT Dream.”

“Donghyuck!” you bellowed in frustration as you follow him around the farm. “Please!”

He stopped and turned, a little too late for you to step back because you’re already pressed up against his chest. “Okay.”

“Really?” you asked, voice lower because your faces were just inches apart—one wrong move and you’d be kissing in the middle of tangerine trees.

He nodded, purposely moving his face closer. “Only if you start reviewing for the SAT again and start sending your drafted college applications from your laptop.”

“Who told you to sneak in and open my files!” you gasped.

“I was checking if you’ve ever watched porn in your life and I found something better: your college applications.”

“I hate you, you know?”

Donghyuck chuckled, moving even closer to intimidate you but he hoped you couldn’t his heart hammering against his chest. “I know. Now. Do we have a deal? I’ll sing at recital night and you start reviewing for the upcoming SAT and send out your college applications when it’s time.”

“I’m—I’m not sure.”

Donghyuck let you go, you almost falling back but he held your hand before you could. “Then I’m not singing.”

“But Donghyuck!” He turned to leave while you scream behind him, pleading.

Ten steps forward and he finally got what he wanted: “Okay! I’ll do it! I’ll start reviewing and will send all the drafted college applications! I’ll do it!”

Hence, the singing stunt for tonight.

The event goes as planned.

The night starts with Donghyuck’s entire class singing their own rendition of a famous traditional song that the crowd truly loved. One by one, the kids would sing, with intermission numbers in groups in between, and by the end of it, it was Donghyuck’s turn.

The minus one track is ready and Donghyuck takes a deep breath as he walks up the stage. It’s smaller than any of the stages he’s been on—perhaps the smallest—and the lights aren’t as bright than the ones he’s used to. Big stages mean big lights, and if he’s being completely honest, he doesn’t see a single face when he’s on stage. The illuminations to ensure the fans would see them are blinding, beyond what people think. While his mother thinks his eyesight has gotten worse due to the long hours of playing APEX on his days off, Donghyuck believes it’s because of the blinding lights from the stage and everywhere he goes.

However, this stage has the gentlest lights he’s ever seen. The crowd is small, about two hundred people including their students, and from here, he can see their faces clearly. He stands not too far away, not to high, and he smiles when the crowd cheers when he reaches the middle of the stage.

“Hello, I’m Donghyuck,” he says on the mic. “I’m the teacher of the talented kids we watched this evening, and I can’t be prouder with how they sang their hearts out tonight. To show my gratitude, I also prepared a song for you.”

The crowd cheers again, your voice standing out as you stand right beside the stage, your phone already up probably recording him.

“I sang this song some time last year,” he continues. “This is Good Person.”

The instrumental plays and the crowd claps before he even starts. Donghyuck breathes, closing his eyes, and sings: “What’s going on today? Your face looks like it’s been crying. Did he break your heart? You’re the most precious person in the world to me.”

He hasn’t sung in a long time, and he barely practiced this song yesterday. Donghyuck, for some time before everything went to crumbles, felt scared going on stage. He felt as though he wouldn’t do well enough to deserve the applause and cheers, and he spent a lot of time doubting his own capabilities.

Whoever he is now, Donghyuck truly worked hard for it. At first, he only knew how to sing and it was the only thing he ever loved. And then he learned how to dance, how to stand like an idol, how to answer like a celebrity, how to have his “candid” photos taken, how to be a proper artist—even when he only wants to sing.

Standing here, now, in a small crowd, singing a song he wished was his own, he wished he had written, Donghyuck feels safe.

In Jeju-do, he feels safe. Donghyuck feels like he’s found his way home. The people he’s spent all these months with brought him comfort he’s never known—like coming home after a whole day of being pestered in the real world—and he knows that he’ll never find ease and serenity the same way Jeju-do had given him. The town took him in with open arms, like he’s not some idol who ruined their career for fleeting pleasure, like he’s not some person who’d forgotten about all of them. His Nana embraced him like he was seven again, like making mistakes is normal and that forgiving is easy when you love the person. You accepted him and taught him what falling in love means as though he was deserving of love and comfort.

The song ends with his voice dragging out the last words, his eyes closed: “I can only comfort you.”

When Donghyuck opens his eyes, the lights don’t blind him and the people he knows and love clap, cheering for him. It comes to him like pouring rain. And he allows himself to drench in it—the tenderness, the warmth, the love.

Because he deserves it. He deserves the love, therefore he takes, takes, takes, until he’s full of it.

Like many times in Donghyuck’s life, the ease and serenity end as quickly as it arrives.

You’d spent the night in his home, Donghyuck for the first time learned how to make love in bed. He’s had sex before, of course, but never like how you and him connected in his bed—moans and music of pleasure hushed by each other’s mouth, his honey-colored skin’s warmth pressed against yours, his lips and tongue tasting every inch of you. He’d said he loves you, and you’d said it back as you and him take each other.

This morning he wakes up without a headache, and he’s been waking up without one for a few weeks now. He usually wakes up with the sound of roosters from his grandmother’s backyard, or the sound of you and his Nana talking over your morning coffee. But today, he wakes up with the sound of his grandmother knocking profusely, seemingly frightened by the sound of her voice calling his name.

“Donghyuck-ah,” she shouts. “Please wake up. I don’t know what to do.”

You and Donghyuck get up startled, scrambling to put some clothes on and hurrying to open the door—only to find Nana on the verge of tears. Nana never falters, she’d only shown strength but Donghyuck finds her shaking. Nana doesn’t get the chance to answer because Joohyuk barges in, sweaty and catching his breath.

“The mayor’s security team is here,” he announces. “Let’s get going.”

“Go where?” Donghyuck asks, but Joohyuk is already pulling him.

The door opens, and Donghyuck finally realizes what’s going on.

They’d found him. Men and women with cameras shout his name—he recognizes a few from the conferences he’d attended—and flashes of lights and the stuttering sound of shutters devour him. He looks around and he can’t see you and he hears his Nana cry, and Donghyuck doesn’t understand what the fuck is going on, but he feels his legs give out. Joohyuk practically carries him to the SUV waiting outside their home.

Inside the car, Donghyuck catches a glimpse of the crowd—a crowd that looks like twice the amount of the people from the recital last night. He hears them screaming his name and he sees glints of neon green and posters as they pass by. His Nana, who sits beside him, cries and says she doesn’t understand why they’d found him. The mayor had specifically ensured that the town’s residents do not say a word about his visit way before he’d arrived and she’d done her best to protect him from the lights. He doesn’t say anything and only hugs her tight.

On the other side of Nana is you. You’re staring off the window, the fields far more interesting than what just happened, and you’re biting off the nails of your fingers and your legs wouldn’t stop bouncing. And you’re silent, and Donghyuck wonders why all of a—

Donghyuck doesn’t have to ask you to know.

You’d sold him off.

“I’m sorry,” is all you had to say when you and him are left inside the mayor’s office’s lounge. Donghyuck asked everybody to leave.

You’re sitting on the couch, eyes on the floor, while Donghyuck walks back and forth, angry. “I didn’t mean to.”

He stops walking right in front of you. “What do you mean you didn’t mean to post me on your Instagram? How could you possibly accidentally do that?!”

You keep your head low. “I—I forgot that it wasn’t on private and I didn’t have that many of followers to even be bothered by it. And one of our old friends commented and asked me if it was you—”

“And you said yes?” he enunciated. “You consciously, deliberately said yes?”

You start crying at this point. “Yes, and I’m sorry!”

“That’s a little too late now, isn’t it?”

“I just—”

“You just what? You want to play the girlfriend role so fucking bad?”

“Donghyuck, please, listen—” You get up and hold him by his arms but he backs off and rips his body from yours. “I just—I wanted the world to know that you can be kind and warm and you’re nothing like what the tabloids say—”

“So, you admit you purposely posted it!” he shouts. “What a fucking—”

“Yes!” you admit, still crying. “Because I can’t live knowing the world sees you differently when you’re generous and loving and amazing!”

Donghyuck takes a deep breath, hands on his waist, head tilted up so he can focus on the ceiling instead of the image of you crying. “You have no idea how the world fucking works, do you?”

“You always loved singing,” you reason out. “And the world shouldn’t take that away from you because of one mistake. I’m so sorry for what I’ve done. I didn’t think it through, but please understand my purpose.”

“You really have no fucking idea,” he concludes, looking down at you, right in your eyes and says: “How would you have any knowledge of what goes on outside of Jeju-do, anyway? You have never left this god damn place in your entire life and you know nothing aside from stringing words beautifully to get what you want. And you think you’re fucking cool for not having a dream and staying in an island, living your small-town girl fantasy, when in fact you’ve done nothing in life and people won’t even remember you. Why would you think you can make this decision for me? You’re just some girl who didn’t even go to college!”

“That’s enough, Donghyuck!” Nana interrupts.

Donghyuck turns and finds his Nana, Joohyuk, some of the Mayor’s security staff, his manager, and his Mother standing right outside the now opened door.

He looks back at you and you’re no longer crying. Your expression is just empty, like a light bulb burnt out.

Indeed, like many times in Donghyuck’s life, the ease and serenity end as quickly as it arrives.

They take the first flight to Seoul after successfully shooing the media and fans away. Nana travels with them, his mother deciding that it’s the best for now until everything calms down.

Donghyuck finds out during the flight that yours and his old friend from middle school had reposted the video of him singing from last night and it went viral in multiple social media platforms. Overnight, people had found out his location and the media had started interviewing people in the town. Despite the mayor instructing everyone not to say a thing, some had answered questions, even submitted entries on some forums about Haechan online.

His manager talks about how their PR team sort of thinks this might just be what he needed, says something about the locals of the town had said so many good things about him. He confirms that the post originated from your Instagram account and you had deactivated at this point and that they’re in the process of contacting your old schoolmate because the agency wants to press charges for invading his grandmother’s privacy and for bothering him on an unofficial schedule.

His mother holds his hand all through, and she offers a kind smile and kisses the top of his head.

Donghyuck cries like baby, and his mother only holds him, and perhaps that’s all he truly needs.

The crowd is just as bad when his plane lands. Donghyuck can barely see and hear considering the lights and people shouting his name. They take him to a separate SUV, away from his mother and Nana to keep them off the radar, and he sits in the car beside his manager.

“Here,” his manager hands him a phone as soon as the car starts moving. Donghyuck had forgotten his phone. It’s probably still in his room back in Nana’s house. People are still screaming his name. Donghyuck stares at his manager’s phone blankly. The screen shows he’s in a call with Mark.

Donghyuck’s hand shakes when he takes it. He puts the device over his ear and doesn’t wait for Mark to say anything.

“Mark-hyung,” he cries.

And cries. And cries. And cries. Until he arrives in SM’s headquarters and the manager has to take the phone away from him. Mark tells him he’s on the way to the headquarters with Renjun and Doyoung and that the others should be on their way after their individual schedules.

They arrive and immediately their staff take care of him like a baby, and he realizes that he’s back. He’s back. Right where he’s supposed to belong.

They take him to the PR teams office, and none of them ask how he’s doing and he’s spiraling again—already starting to think how he could please the staff and make them happy, not even an entire day of landing in Seoul and he’s already thinking about other people at his own expense.

Hence, Donghyuck makes a decision he’s never considered before.

While one of the PR associates discuss how he’s ranked number one in Naver’s most searched term, Donghyuck raises his hand.

They all look at him.

And finally, Donghyuck says: “Please get me a therapist. Please get someone who can help me.”

The room is clean and if Donghyuck’s being honest, a little too perfect for a therapist’s office. A tiny part of his fucked-up brain tries to convince him that they’d probably set him up for a documentary he’s not aware of to clean his image, so he looks around and tries to check if there are any cameras setup.

“Truly a celebrity,” Dr. Yoon says, which makes Donghyuck jump a little. The doctor stands from the door way, closing it as he steps inside. “Please, feel comfortable.”

Donghyuck thinks that’s a little impossible, but he takes a seat one of the single couches.

“The first thing that celebrities do in my office is look around for cameras,” the doctor comments, sitting on a similar chair across Donghyuck. “And I assure you that no amount of money can buy my integrity as a psychologist.”

“I’m relieved,” Donghyuck mumbles. “Hello, I’m Donghyuck.”

“Hello, Donghyuck,” the doctor greets; Donghyuck bows. “I had a quick glimpse of your situation from the form you filled out online. Are you feeling better today?”

“I guess,” Donghyuck shrugs. Dr. Yoon smiles.

“How about I ask questions and if you don’t want to answer, stay silent instead of lying to me?” He asks. Donghyuck sighs but nods. “And if you want to answer, answer as truthfully as you can, yes?” Donghyuck agrees. “Let’s start with simple questions.”

“Do you have any siblings?”

Dr. Yoon asks him many close-ended questions, to which Donghyuck had given him all the answers to, then proceeds to ask him what’s on his mind. The doctor’s notepad sits on the table between them, left open and blank even after asking so many questions.

Donghyuck is not really sure whether he’d done the right thing by seeking help, but he can’t keep hurting people just because he’s fucked up in the head. And he can’t keep hurting himself just because he can’t make the entire fucking world happy. He can’t keep drinking his insomnia away because he’s scared a doctor may tell him he’s fucked up in the head, which he knows already, he just doesn’t want it written in his medical records. He can’t keep fucking up his group’s image just because the alcohol doesn’t help his insomnia anymore. He can’t keep drowning himself in his sadness and the thought of disappointing so many people in his life—the people he left behind in Jeju-do, the members, his fans, the staff, his parents and siblings, his Nana, you.

If melatonin didn’t work, if the alcohol didn’t work, and if Jeju-do didn’t work, then perhaps a therapist is his best shot at getting better.

Donghyuck takes a deep breath, closes his eyes and begins.

“I keep thinking about how I can make everyone happy without sacrificing anything.”

The doctor finally picks up the pen and starts scribbling down.

Donghyuck keeps talking.

Donghyuck goes to therapy on Tuesdays and Fridays, and SM keeps his hiatus status active until Donghyuck decides to come back himself. It’s an agreement his parents, Donghyuck, and the agency settled while things are still chaotic.

The members are supportive of this, especially Mark and Taeyong. They’d send him cheerful messages every Tuesday and Friday, when they know that his session would begin. Sometimes, Jeno, Jisung, and Jaemin would pick him up and take him to a barbecue restaurant after. Donghyuck can’t remember how many times Renjun and Chenle had driven him to therapy and had waited for a couple of hours, only to take him to his favorite Chinese restaurant that serves the best hotpot. The older members have also driven him to therapy once or twice, with Jungwoo even signing up for therapy one time, and they’ve all given him love and tenderness—which Donghyuck accepted.

Donghyuck learns many things from Dr. Yoon. He learns that people pleasing isn't a mental illness, but it can be an issue that adversely affects how many people, with or without mental illness, relate to others. Most of all, people pleasers try to nourish other people without adequately nourishing themselves. Dr. Yoon called it Sociotrophy. He described it as the tendency to place an inordinate value on relationships over personal independence in response to the loss of relationships or conflict.

Those with sociotropic tendencies, wish to make other people happy, often at the sake of their own needs or values. While being warm, kind, and helpful are positive traits, they can result in strong feelings of resentment, anxiety, stress, and emotional depletion when they come at your expense.

People-pleasing, apparently, falls at the opposite end of the scale from autonomy. Autonomy places emphasis on independence whereas people-pleasers prioritize interpersonal relationships above all else. People-pleasers are often extremely empathic and attuned to others’ needs. A people-pleaser therefore tends to pursue intimate, affectionate, and confiding relationships. These people have a strong desire for external validation and avoid, or are sensitive to, situations where conflict may arise. They will go above and beyond to avoid displeasing others out of fear of diminished social acceptance.

This behavior can have detrimental effects on a person’s self-worth and self-esteem. A never-ending pursuit of approval, a desire for acceptance, and a sense of validation that arise from others happiness often result in a negative self-image. The person is likely to feel unworthy, powerless, or resentful, which may result in a lack of self-care.

The way Dr. Yoon had described it basically sums up Donghyuck as a human being.

He also learns that Sociotropic tendencies are often associated with mental health disorders such as anxiety or depression, which finally gave them Donghyuck’s diagnosis: clinical depression, also known as major depressive disorder abbreviated as MDD.

Clinical depression is a chronic condition, but it usually occurs in episodes, which can last several weeks or months. Dr. Yoon says one would likely have more than one episode in a lifetime. Donghyuck had asked him what was the difference between MDD and depression as it is.

Dr. Yoon explained that it’s normal to feel sad when you’re faced with difficult life situations, such as losing your job or a relationship. Some people may say they feel depressed during these situations. MDD is different in that it persists practically every day for at least two weeks and involves other symptoms than just sadness alone. It can be confusing because many people call clinical depression or major depressive disorder just “depression.”

Dr. Yoon also blabbered about chemicals in his brain that, well, Donghyuck really doesn’t understand much. All he knows at this point is that the treatment involves some medication and most specially psychotherapy. Apparently, studies show that the combination of these treatments is more effective than either of them alone.

Donghyuck has been investing a lot of his time in psychotherapy. His normal sessions were every Friday, thirty minutes to a maximum of an hour each. Like how his prescription doses went up, he also requested his psychotherapy sessions to be more frequent, hence Tuesdays and Fridays, minimum of one hour a session, maximum of an hour and a half.

Donghyuck likes to think that over the course of eight weeks, he’d gotten a little better. It turns out that being honest with your doctor means you’d get prescribed the right pills to take to help you fall asleep. No wonder the melatonin pills he’d taken didn’t work in the long run; he was taking the wrong ones and the wrong dosage—just like how he’d been looking for happiness in the wrong places.

From today’s session, Dr. Yoon asked him if he could talk to his mother about how he’d felt for so many years—the pressure, the urge to do whatever pleases her, the comparisons with other members, everything. Hence, Donghyuck finds himself knocking on his parents’ room.

He’s staying at their home during his hiatus. He reckons it’s the best time to speak with her as his father and the kids are out for work and school.

“Come in, Donghyuck-ah,” she says softly from the other side. He opens the door and finds his mother writing something in her journal. “You need anything, baby? Do you want to eat?”

He shakes his head and walks towards their bed, sitting on its edge. His mother puts the pen down and sits beside him. “Something wrong?”

“Eomma,” he says in the softest voice. “Can I sleep here?”

The question brings tears to his mother’s eyes. She nods and leads him to bed, Donghyuck lying on his side and his mother cradling him from behind. He looks like he’s thirteen again, the day before the audition at SM, young and anxious about what the next day would bring, and his mother seems like she’s never aged a day, still determined and only wants the best for her children.

Donghyuck can feel her crying.

“I’m sorry, Donghyuck-ah,” is all she says.

And Donghyuck knows deep in his heart that even before she’d uttered her apology, he’s already forgiven her.

Haechan comes back right before Chuseok.

NCT Dream is invited to perform at a music festival held in the Seoul Olympic Stadium alongside many other artists. When news broke that this would be Haechan’s come back stage, the ticket sites went crazy—crashing every second because everybody wanted to get tickets to see the most-awaited comeback.

Over the course of seven months of Donghyuck’s hiatus, many things have changed. He gained more fans in the latter parts of the hiatus after the world learned his life in Jeju-do. He’d gotten a new piercing in his cartilage, which the fans love, but only Donghyuck probably understands what it means. Old videos of him going on stage went viral years later, the world seeing how talented and passionate he truly is. Clips of him randomly singing without autotune circulated for quite some time, and his fondness of children and respect for the elder have been the talk of the KPop industry for the last months or so, calling him the most well-mannered idol. The scandal had not been erased from history, of course; some people still hate him for it. Some of his old fan sites did not return to support him, and if we’re talking about old Donghyuck, he’d probably be pretty bummed about it. He’d probably start compromising his privacy to give them a glimpse of his life off the stage to get them back.

But the sessions with Dr. Yoon have been working well, because Donghyuck doesn’t really care about pleasing the entire world anymore. Donghyuck thinks that as long as there’s a good number of people supporting him and loving him for who he is—as a person and as a singer—then he’d be okay. He didn’t have to make the entire planet roar his name.

The dress rehearsals are done by the time the clock hit four in the afternoon. The members argue where to go eat. Jisung announces he’s going shopping for a new pair of wired headphones because he lost his on the way to the stadium, to which Renjun says he’d go with him. The others decide to go eat with the staff, some opt to go home and rest so they’d be ready for the next day.

Donghyuck decides to go buy the book that Johnny recommended him: The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. He’s told that the book is about a boy growing up, and that it might strike his thoughts if he’s up to reading a children’s book meant for adults.

Hence, Donghyuck finds himself going through shelves and sections of children’s book after picking up The Little Prince and wondering if Gyeom would want to read any of these.

You see, Lee Donghyuck is not much of a believer of fate. As he’d say before, his career didn’t happen by fate because it was all his mother doing all the hard work. But what are the odds of him choosing to visit this exact book store at this exact moment over elsewhere and another time?

And what are the odds of him finding you leaning against the wall in the corner of the store, hair longer than the last time, nose red and body bundled up in layers of clothes, a book in your hand as you read through it?

Donghyuck stops, stares at you, as if he’s waiting for you to look up from the book, and thinks about how much he’d missed you all this time and how much he’d regretted ending things with foul, unacceptable words. He thinks about remembering you anytime he sees tangerines and flowers around the city. He thinks about the odds of finding you again and again in this lifetime. He thinks about the flowers only blooming as soon as the butterflies have left, missing their timing, and how they bloom again next spring, hoping that this time, the timing is right.

He thinks about you in silence. He thinks about love hiding in the corners of his chest, convincing him he’ll get over it—he’ll get over you. He thinks about his dreams.

A few people pass by the space between you and him. The distance is about three meters. It’s silent for the most part.

Donghyuck is not much of a believer of fate, and you look up to prove him otherwise.

It’s only then that Donghyuck takes a really good look on you: new hairstyle, backpack slung in one arm, a student ID badge hanging right below your chest.

“Y/N!” A girl whisper-shouts from behind fDonghyuck. “Have you found the book?”

You don’t tear your glance away from him, but you nod and say, “Yeah. I’ll go check it out and I’ll meet you outside.”

The other girl doesn’t notice him and proceeds to leave. You take two, three, five, seven steps, and you’re right in front of him.

“Hi, Donghyuck-ah,” you say in the softest voice as soon as you’re close enough.

Donghyuck wonders whether this is just a dream or if he’d started hallucinating you because of the medicines he’s been taking, but then he catches a whiff of your scent, and Donghyuck believes.

Donghyuck believes in fate. In forgiveness. In healing. In love. In finding one’s way back home.

END

author's note: PLEASE tell me what you think of this in the comments or reblogs. I'd also appreciate if you send me you favorite line here. Thank you so much for reading until the end!

optional as always: TIP ME HERE.

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nightnightuniverse · 6 years

Text

halloween with haechan

okok so i feel like he would be the type to want a couples costume !!

probably like vampires or something cool

(i also just wanna imagine him with a red smoky eye and some black boots)

instead of going to parties like cool kids™️™️

y’all go trick or treating!!!!

since it’s dark he holds your hand cause he ‘doesn’t want you to get lost’ he actually just really liked holdings hands whoops

as you guys go through your share of houses you guys keep track of the houses with the good candy and the bad kind

and the,,, evil ones that give out fruits and stuff like that

remembering those so y’all can tp them later

( real talk tho who gives out that stuff smh shame on them )

it gets really late and houses slowly start to turn off their lights one by one

so hyuck suggests that you guys go back to his dorm

,,,,,partly cause he still doesn’t wanna say bye to you

he puts on a spooky movie and y’all make some hot chocolate together

as you sit down in the couch- candy spread out and already traded

you can hear him yawn and then slowly inch his arm over your shoulders

cliché i know but cute

you turn and see his profile and couldn’t help but smile

‘you’re adorable, you know that ??’

‘ hey im not supposed to be adorable !! im supposed to be scary !! i’m a vampire !’

‘well you’re the cutest vampire i’ve seen’

with a flushed face he turns back to the movie

but you could still see his soft smile

#haechan #hyuck #donghyuck #nct #nct dream #nct 127 #nct scenarios #heachan fluff #kpop #nct donghyuck #nct fluff #nct imagines

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husbandhannie · 2 years

Text

same

pairing: haechan x reader

word count: 1740

genre: fluff, minor angst, scene-by-scene

contains: pining, flirting, one suggestive joke that isn't detailed, haechan being a minor dick for a minute but apologizing later, kissing

a/n: this is my first (and maybe only) attempt at plot. it....might be shit. i have no idea. also not proofread, will do that later (as usual).

taglist: @itsveronicaxxx @zurikyo @husbandhoshi @starlightjoong.

ONE

"what do you think of the new hair color?"

renjun's soft voice snaps you from your daze, and you turn to see him looking at you with a smile. if you didn't know him as well, you might have missed the worrying glint in his eyes. your heart warms at his concern, even as your mind whispers 'oh, how pathetic'.

you've known haechan since what feels like forever. you suppose the two of you were meant to be bffs - being the same age and growing up in adjacent houses. it would be a great love story as well, if it wasn't so terribly one-sided.

there are times you've wondered if it really was so one-sided, if he really didn't think of you as anything other other than a friend. and every time you'd let yourself hope, you'd run into scenes like the present - haechan flirting with some idol, making them laugh and exchanging numbers, blissfully ignorant of the ache in your heart. you'd think the pain would lessen every time you witness the familiar scene, but it hurts just the same. every time.

"it looks good", you fix an errant strand of renjun's hair, "suits you".

"right? it's my natural hair color. i think i looks best this way", he sounds excited, and you can't help but grin as you nod.

"what are you guys talking about?", haechan's voice surprises you, and you turn you head to see him and jaemin standing beside you. are you imagining the frown on his face?

"about my hair color", renjun reply sounds tart, "we've agreed that it's my best look".

haechan's about to say something (no doubt to contradict renjun), when jaemin interrupts by putting an arm around your shoulder. "now y/n", he whispers conspirationally (but not quietly), "which one of us looks the best? and remember - you have to be completely objective in your analysis", then quieter, "i have those chocolates you like in my bag".

you giggle at his ministrations, letting out a contemplative "mmmmm" as you pretend to think. before you can reply, a new voice interrupts you, "hyung, did you get her number? she said she wanted to talk to you".

you have to look up to see the speaker. it's the newest admission to nct, his name is......sunchan? sungchan? something like that. you'd ponder on how tall the kid is, but his question makes your heart sink. they were flirting, then. ofcourse they were.

"mm? oh yeah, yeah i did", haechan replies with a grin, "well she offered, i couldn't exactly say no".

you hope your face doesn't betray how you're feeling. feeling jaemin's arms tighten around your shoulders and hearing renjun make an excuse to lead you away, you know that there's no point in hoping. your hopeless crush on your best friend is far too obvious, and you can only pray that he doesn't know.

TWO

"how'd it go with that guy?", haechan's voice is neutral.

the two of you are sitting on his bed, watching a movie you've watched about a hundred times before. it's weekly movie night, a tradition you've had with your best friend for as long as you can remember.

"what guy?", you're confused.

"the guy from that company you went to for that meeting. you said he asked you out"

"oh, him. the date was okay, i guess."

"oh? is he getting a second date, then?", the teasing lilt in his voice seems more grating than usual.

"nah. it was okay, but not something i want to do again"

"did something happen?", his voice is concerned. protective.

"no, nothing like that. just wasn't feeling it, you know?", he wasn't you.

"oh well", he pats your head, letting you rest it against his shoulder, "maybe the next one will work out".

"yeah", you say quietly, leaning your face into his shoulder, "maybe the next one will".

the two of you are silent for a minute, and you wonder if he's ignoring the movie too. then you remember.

"wait, what about you?", you keep your voice light, "what about that host who asked you out at the show?"

"mm?", he thinks for a second, his face frowning in concentration before realization dawns, "oh, her. it was fine, but don't see it going anywhere. wasn't feeling it, you know".

"right", you settle back on his shoulder, "right".

wasn't feeling it.

oh, how you wish the similarities went beyond that.

THREE

"stop that"

haechan's command draws the attention of everyone in the room, the laughter dying down instantly when four pairs of eyes take in his furious face. you drove to the dream dorm right after work to pick up the jacket you had left last week, and jaemin decided to entertain you with some rather suggestive flirting while haechan fetched it from his room.

"what?", you fluster, confused at the silence in the room, "it's a joke, haechan".

"yeah, yeah", his hands clutch your jacket tighter, "some joke about you being on your knees, very funny", he laughs humorlessly, "come on. i'll walk you to your car".

"i - ", you look back to his friends, who are looking at you with you resigned smiles, "okay", you wave, "bye, guys".

the walk down to the parking lot is quiet, almost suffocatingly so. you can't help but wonder if you did something wrong earlier - should you apologize? but you're an adult, and jaemin is an adult, so what if you're flirting? what did you do wrong? it's not like haechan is your boyfriend.

"what was that?", your even voice echoes in the empty parking lot.

"what was what?", haechan keeps his back to you.

"why did you freak out over jaemin flirting with me?", you catch the small flinch that runs through his body, "it was harmless".

"i didn't freak out", he turns around, "it was just weird".

"why? it's not weird for me to flirt with someone my age"

"look, you might think it's harmless, but i don't want jaemin getting any ideas - "

"and why not? what's wrong with that?"

"oh", his voice turns shriller, "is that why you come here? to flirt with my friends?"

"what?", you gape.

you close your eyes and swear. he'll never get it, will he?

"yeah, haechan", you snatch your jacket from his hand and unlock your car door, ignoring how his face shifts at your tearful voice, "that's why i come here".

FOUR

"wait"

your hand stills at the car handle, your eyes drifting to meet haechan's hesitating ones.

when haechan had texted you earlier to ask if you'd be up for a drive to the cliffside the two of you frequent, you were planning on saying no. you had succeeded in not replying until his next message ("please? need to get away from here").

the two of you haven't talked about what happened last week in the parking lot, and you're honestly glad about it. while you're certain you did nothing wrong, you're not sure that a conversation about the incident won't have you blurting out your long-standing feelings for your friend. unfortunately, it seems that he wants to clear things up.

"about last time - ", he starts.

"haechan, it's fine", you shrug, "these things happen".

do they? you don't know. but you'd rather pretend you do than to talk about it.

"no, it's not fine", his hand reaches to hold yours, "i was a dick. i'm sorry".

"well", you smile, "apology accepted".

"yeah, i - ", he clears his throat, "you can flirt with whoever you want, i don't get to have a say. i know that. but just - it's weird to see it with my members you know? but that's not a you problem, it's - "

"haechan", you giggle at his rambling, "i get it. i wouldn't like it if you flirted with my friends either".

the fact that he doesn't immediately rebuke with "you don't have any other friends than me" is enough to tell you how sincere he is.

"okay, yeah", he nods, tightening his hand around yours, "so we're good?"

"yeah, we're good"

"then off to the stars!", you open the door and walk out, stopping when you feel the tug on your hand, "haechan? my hand".

"right", he doesn't let go of your hand, "wait - hang on. sit for a minute, i'm not done".

"oh, what is it?", you whine but obediently sit back down, slamming the door close, "can't it be outside? it's a clear sky".

"yeah, that might be better for it actually", he grins nervously, "but i'm doing it here".

"fiiiiine", you sigh, your heart accelerating at the intent look in his eyes, "what is it?"

"okay. y/n", he swallows, "i like you. like, more than a friend. i have for a while. go out with me".

you blink, not quite believing that this isn't one of your dreams. he....likes you? like, more than a friend? what? for a while? what?

"i mean", he starts to rambles, "you don't have to, obviously. i get it if you don't want to, really. i'll try to not let it affect our friendship, i'll be cool with it but i thought, well that - if you're -"

"ohmygod", your gasp shuts him up, "fuck. i can't believe this".

"yeah, came out of nowhere, huh?", he chuckles nervously, "well, i thought it was worth a try. i'll still be your best fri - "

"no, haechan, ohmygod", your hands fly up to squish his cheeks, "no, i love you too. same".

"oh", he whispers, then whines loudly, "why didn't you say that?"

"i was surprised!", you squeak, your wide grin matching his, "oh, we're so stupid".

"yeah", he turns his face slightly to kiss your palm, his chuckles making your skin tickle, "yeah".

"you know", he murmurs quietly when the laughter dies down, one of his hands moving to rest on the side of your neck and pulling you closer, "there's something i've always wanted to do".

"oh yeah", your fingers press on the back of his neck, your lips centimeters apart, "and what's that?"

"mm", his lips brush yours fleetingly, and you can barely hold yourself back from pressing them fully on his, "i just said i like you, by the way. you said you love me".

"oh", you pull back slightly to meet his eyes, the fond glint calming your nerves, "must've slipped out".

"oh, that's too bad", he pulls you close again, his lips a hair's width apart, "because same. i love you".

#nct fluff #nct dream fluff #haechan fluff #lee donghyuk #lee haechan #haechan x reader #nct imagines #nct dream imagines #haechan imagines #nct #nct dream #heachan #nct 127 #nct 127 fluff #nct 127 imagines

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husbandograveyard · 2 years

Note

Hi!! :D Could I get general relationship headcanons with Izo?

I am very weak for Izo, so of course you can. Enjoy <3

General relationship HC - Izo

2nd person GN reader.

Izo’s love language is quality time. Any and all time spent with you is a good time, it doesn’t have to be dates or especially couple-y time for it to count. This includes, but is not limited to:

sleeping together. Spending the night together is a great way to unwind after a long day, especially if you have the opportunity to maybe share some pillow talk before either of you is too tired and has to go to sleep.

having lunch or dinner together. The ideal time to unwind while catching up, without necessarily having to take special time out of your day. Even if he wishes he’d be able to spend some more time with you, this is a good moment to distract him from the fact that he can’t always do so.

Izo is pretty set of self-care, even when there is limited time: putting on and taking off makeup is one of them, as well as taking care of that long hair, as salty sea water and air doesn’t do wonders for those locks. Even if you’re not into wearing makeup or that much selfcare, it’s another way to just spend time together that you can just build into your routine without it being too much.

Of course, there are moments that are not routine, and quality time is not all there is to it. Dates happen mostly when you’re on land, and switch between your interests and his depending on how big the overlap is. On his side that means loads of theatre performances and such. His heart fo theatre and music has always been there and although pirate life is still number one, it is still nice to enjoy performances every once in a while.

Dinner dates are another popular option. Sure, no one can cook the way Thatch did, but it’s always fun to try out new dishes, especially if it’s on an island you have never been before.

Izo is not too big on PDA. Holding hands, sitting close, an ocassional peck on the cheek or even lips is okay, as long as you don’t overdo it. All the rest is saved for private space as well as any and all intimate exchanges of words. It’s something very vulnurable and those moments are meant for just the two of you.

When it comes to emotional support and connection, you’ve got a great partner in Izo. He is a very good listener and observer. He notices when things are off very fast, even when you are trying to hide it, and will never push you to talk unless you are truly causing harm to yourself or others by trying to deal with it alone. He is supportive but he also cares too much to make you take on too much by yourself.

When it comes to downs in the relationship, he’s not one for actual arguments. If you are the type of person that has to get a screaming match to get it all out, by all means go on ahead, but it’s only settled and over after you’ve had a proper conversations, as adults. You don’t even have to compromise, sometimes you just have to agree to disagree, but Izo does want each of you to know where you stand and how you feel.

While Izo is generally not one for big, well-planned romantic gestures (knowing very well that with a pirate lifestyle, plans can change within a matter of seconds), the romance comes from small, meaningfull things. Things he picked up just cause they reminded him of you, chores suddenly switched out or done cause you looked very tired and he wanted to spend an extra half hour with you… it’s all kinds of silent ways to say I love you and I think of you without saying so.

#one piece #izo x reader #izou x reader #one piece izo #reader insert #heachan #one piece headcanons #whitebeart pirates #fluff #gn reader #request #anonymous #scheduled

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najaemism · 3 years

Text

heart can’t lose [30.1]

THIRTY (i). | prev / masterlist / next

PAIRING. lee haechan x fem!oc

WARNINGS. none

SUMMARY. fourth year pre-med student and neo university student council president, haechan lee does not have the time for relationships. instead, he focuses his attention on his studies and extracurriculars, so as not to disappoint his parents. that is until hera seo came along—and everyone starts to wonder if the university’s golden boy would finally let his heart lose.

TAGLIST. @neozonenet @radiorenjun @bluejaem @pink-but-rosie @renjun-pretty @holdinbacksecrets @rynshyuckies @jelllyjae @jenyongcas @whyisquill @beemarkie @morkxlee @hibuki-chan @moonwalkun @lyyhyuck @baekhyunstruly @lilacdreams-00 @ridinhyuck @drvrslcense @najaeminluvbot @jiye0n0 @rensiu @morkleetrash @neo444 @pudulee @keemburley @soobin-chois @yiz-yo @hae06 @nctasdfghj @aerev @studywoo @jun5ui @smolpeyy @mahae66 @kkotjia

HCL TAGLIST. @aedreamzy @moonsclover @rrnhyuck @reinde3r @daegalfangirl @yixingtion @dandelionxgal @thesunsfullmoon @yangsbff @y3jiishot @purpleheejin @prdshobi @vantxx95 @googiewaterbottle @minavenue

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midday0dreams · 3 years

Photo

Loathed (a).

when he silently dislikes himself.

main m.list.

....“I love you”

you blurb out.. he looks up form his phone, surprised by the unsliced profusion of your love, he chuckles and halfheartedly “l love you too” he says.

you have been admoring his simplest, realist form. him in a sweater, frizzy hair, laying lazily on the couch occupied with his phone.

his stupid ass has been pumped because think that not having toned abs makes him less attractive in your eyes..

He doesn’t understand how merciless you find him, he doesn’t know how much you love him or all the ways in which you do, obviously he doesn’t, not when he is so stupidly loath himself, sometimes you want punch him in the face for hating the person you love the most, but damn it! you love his face.. and the way his eyes crinkle when he smile melts your heart, it’s crazy how the way his giggles makes your heart stumble.

You love his existence, you love his complex mind, you are highly impressed with his intelligence. you would love all of his scares and wounds until there are healed, you would love all of his demons and all of the monsters he fears until there turn into harmless fairies.

you love every second spent in his perimeter, your proudest moments are when you mange to make him laugh, you want to cry his tears for him, you want to wipe away all of his worries, you want to win all of his battles for him.

you wonder what goes on inside that handsome head of his.

it breaks your heart to know that he doesn’t believe he’s lovable, that he doesn’t understand how proud you are to be his.. but that’s ok, you just have to love him harder, you’re going to love him more than he hates himself, love him for the both of you, and you are going to win.

Moved by the adoration you carry for him, you lean closer and press a kiss to his temple. your heart swell when he bites his bottom lip to contain the shy smile.. You just hope he knows you will always be right next to him.

#nct dream #nct haechan #nct heachan #nct fluff #nct smut #nct reactions #nct 127 #nct angst #nct drabbles #nct blurbs #nct imagines #nct scenarios #lee donghyuck #nct donghyuck

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bluejaem · 3 years

Text

PAIRING. boyfriend!haechan × gn!reader GENRE. fluff WC. 0.169k

➷ [ 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐁𝐎𝐘 ] “why did you come here at midnight when it’s pouring hard outside!” you scolded boyfriend!donghyuck who was sitting on the sofa, sipping a cup of hot chocolate. getting a towel from your room, you take a seat in front of him.

“hey! i told you already! you had forgotten your muffler at my house so i just came here to return it!” he whined, keeping the mug of the hot drink on the table in front of him as you made him face you.

drying his hair with the towel, you couldn’t help but chuckle “you’re better than that, lee. c’mon, spill the truth.”

donghyuck wore a defeated smile on his face, “fine, you got me! i just wanted to spend the night with you—” he slowly peeked his head out of the towel and softly said, “i love you,”

trying your best not to show the effect his statement had on you, you snickered, “well, alright loverboy. now shush, let me dry your hair before you catch a cold.”

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alreadyblondenow · 3 years

Text

He was many sins | Lee Donghyuck

Part of @renhyucks ‘The First’ a Lee Donghyuck birthday special collab.

▸ Haechan x female!reader ▸ Inspired by the movie ‘The Notebook’, rich kids au but its more focused on the story ▸ SMUT, FLUFF, ANGST

Summary: “But what do you do when you don’t like what you’re discovering about Haechan? Your boyfriend. What do you do when he hurts you more than he shows that he loves you. But then again no one dares to leave. “

Word count: 10,217k

Warnings: SMUT AFTER THE CUT. unprotected, corruption, making out, oral sex (female receiving) swearing, a lot of couple fights, Haechan is…. so bad, virginity loss, mentions of haechan smelled like cigarettes, Rich people and their problems, nipple play, finger fucking in a whole new level, rough sex but not so rough, vanilla sex (oh come on its their first time of course it has to be cute), mentions of other idols A/N: Pure fiction. I think if you already experienced a peaceful break up you would get my point in this story. wahahah okay enjoy. thank you!

Moaning quietly while Haechan fucks you slowly was the hardest thing to do. Especially when he takes your breath away while he goes deeper with every thrust and your lips have been attacked by kisses the moment you stepped into his room. Skin to skin and chest to chest, he has been clinging to your body like you’re about to disappear. Again.

But the best thing about this makeup sex was not the part where you see him cum right in front of you or while he’s kissing you while you enjoy your orgasm. It’s what comes after that.

When both of your bodies are warm after a good fuck, and you’re both breathing heavily closely together, feeling each other’s heartbeats. He kissed your sweaty body all the way down to your boobs and licked your sensitive nipples for a few seconds and then that’s when it happened...

“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. Please come back to me, I’m sorry” he said. With tears in his eyes that stained your cheek while he gives you never ending sweet kisses and promises.

You both know, that this is the first time he apologized to you sincerely. The first time. And that instantly won your heart again that you burst into tears and kissed him back aggressively and he fell to his mattress. He cupped your face, hold you dearly, and accepted your kisses that he missed so fucking much.

That night, you just stay close to each other. Enjoying the cold breeze that goes through his window, each other’s soothing voices, and listening to each other’s soft giggles.

Staying in Haechan’s arms is a natural thing that made you comfortable, safe, and loved in no time. You close your eyes as you bask in his warmth... and you wish you didn’t.

You were like an angel sleeping beside him. He would do anything in the world just be with you like this forever, even though he knew he wasn’t good enough for you.

“Good morning” you greet him with a smile because you caught him staring at you so lovingly the moment you opened your eyes. “Are you okay?” you added.

“I feel great, you’re beside me what could I possibly want more in life?” he said and placed a kiss on your forehead.

And you wish that your relationship with Haechan is always like this, light as a feather, but it's not. It never was.

“Fuck- you didn’t even wake me up? It’s already afternoon, Haechan!”

Here we go again, Haechan said to himself. Watching you gather your clothes so quickly he sat up and bravely said, “We just got back together-“ he put his palm on his face and let out a heavy sigh that you hated hearing.

“I know. I know, and I’m sorry. Just please be patient with me- I have a college tour today with my mom and if she finds out we’re together again, I don’t know what to do anymore. What we have is not easy to manage, it never was”

Irritated and almost on the verge of being mad, Haechan wore comfortable clothes too and tried so much controlling his anger. “Fine. Okay, you don’t need to remind me that I’m not good enough for you,”

“That's not what I mean-“

“I know but that’s what you’re doing to me,”

You didn’t want to talk anymore knowing that this conversation can spark a fight again. “At least let me drive you just a couple of blocks away from your house. Can you let me do that?” Haechan said with a straight face, completely dressed already and all you can do is nod weakly.

“Haechan, I'm sorry-“ But just before you could finish apologizing, he’s gone and shut the door closed and it just makes you question if love is supposed to be this complicated.

1 YEAR AGO

“Trust me. You don’t like him. I heard Jaemin likes you, go for that dude and not Haechan” your cousin whines as she starts the car and drives you both home because getting you home late is the last thing she wanted to happen tonight.

“What if I really like him? He’s funny, sweet, and not to mention attractive”

“Lee Donghyuck is trouble and heartbreak wrapped into one. Fine, if you want to play with fire then be my guest”

And there it goes. The ugly truth that completely shut you up and did not defend Lee Donghyuck any further. The worst part is, he seemed nice and sweet the whole time you were having a conversation with him. Like none of what your cousin told you about him was true. And you just can’t believe it.

Questions kept running through your mind that you oh so want to ask your cousin but you knew it will just piss her off. So forget it.

But just as you thought that you’re going to stop thinking about him, you find yourself thinking about him harder than ever. It’s been a week since that fateful night, and you try so hard to forget about him by burying yourself with books and other school activities, but you couldn’t let go of the thought that maybe your cousin was just overacting. And you couldn’t let go of the beautiful memory for when you first laid eyes on him.

You remember how he was dancing under the bright party lights with a cig in his hand, puffing smoke as he enjoys his time on the dance floor. He was the epitome of loud and crazy, but that part of him did not bother you even the slightest bit and in fact, his free spirit was actually attractive. Even though you were the complete opposite and you knew right then and there that a guy like that will not be attracted to you, somehow, amidst the crazy atmosphere of the party, destiny still found a way for you to meet. Quietly.

“You’re not supposed to mix those two drinks. That will give you a stomachache the next morning,” he let out a small laugh before he makes you a decent drink. Something non-alcoholic, because he already knew you don’t belong in this scene. “You’re not from around here, aren’t you?”

“How’d you know? You know every person in this town?”

He just let out a small laugh and leaned on the wall, looking at you straight in the eyes that instantly made your legs weak. “I know because everyone in this town knows me and guessing you don’t have any idea who you’re talking to” he smirked and took a sip on his beer.

“You’re the guy who’s been so loud the whole night” you laugh and accepted defeat. What he said is true, you don’t know him.

“Lee Donghyuck. Friends call me Haechan. You. Can call me Haechan,”

“So we're friends now?” You asked after shaking his hand.

“Well, if that’s what you want. Me, I want more than friendship” he shamelessly said. “Tell me, if I ask you out for a date where do you want to go?”

“Why would I go out with you? I don’t even know you” you let out a cute laugh and offered him some chips.

“Well that’s the point of going out on a date, you learn about the person you’re with during dates” he smirked again.

And in that empty kitchen, you and Haechan had a decent conversation. Hating the smell of cigarettes that won’t leave his clothes but you don’t care anymore. In just a few minutes, he made your heart skipped a beat and the next thing you know your bodies are closer than before. But your cousin just had to ruin it and snatch you away from him.

And now that you know about Haechan’s true colors, you knew that you can’t handle him. There’s no way in hell that you can handle trouble. Is that why every person in his town knew who he was? Is it because he’s trouble and a pain in the ass? Whatever, you said to yourself. It has been a week since you met Haechan, and for exactly seven days, he’s in your mind 24/7.

You tried every distraction you could think of, tried every way to stop yourself from going through social media and search for ‘Lee Donghyuck’, you even tried imagining every bad thing Haechan could have done already to earn his title as the trouble maker to make yourself hate him. But nothing seems to be working.

Today is one of those days where your parents invite friends, business partners, families of your family’s business partners and of course your relatives, to host a luncheon together near the river under this beautiful weather. Everyone is wearing fancy dresses, coats and they’re either boasting to each other or talking about business. It's a normal scene and nothing can surprise you anymore when it comes to your parent's luncheon. Your parents have been doing this ever since before you were born, and you heard that this was quite an event for the rich. Not everyone gets invited, but everyone wants to attend.

Sounds fancy and fun, right? But this very day disgusts you to the core, for at a very young age, this luncheon taught you to recognize fake and genuine people. In other words, it opened your eyes when it comes to the truth about the rich.

“I can't stop thinking about him,” you said to your cousin while ignoring the loud chatters of adults around the area.

“Oh look, there's Na Jaemin… to make you forget about his friend. Jaemin!” she called the guy who’s looking very sharp and... well, very much handsome than anyone in this place and approached you two with a smile. Perfect pearly whites. So perfect that it made you wonder how much teeth care his parents splurged on him when he just a little boy.

“Hi,”

The gentleman greeted and disturbed you and your ugly thoughts. He looked at your cousin for a second and then turned to you. “Y/n,” he greeted while looking at you as if he’s telling you how beautiful you are, “enjoyed my party last week?”

“Okay, I’ll leave you two and go, boast about my dress” your cousin joked and gave Jaemin a wink before she left you with him.

It was quite a moment you had with Jaemin, and to be honest, you had a great time. You think he has this amazing power of making you forget where you are right now because you were so drawn to him and his stories. And as time passes by with Jaemin, at the end of the day he finally earned your interest and scored a date with you next Friday after school. But the truth is, you only said yes to him because you were nice and you wanted to forget the thrill, excitement, and attractiveness of the Lee Donghyuck. Not because you find him interesting enough.

Come Friday, a stressful day for everyone, and Senior year wasn’t going as planned. That’s why you wanted to cancel your plans with Jaemin and just stay at home to deal with things. Jaemin has been very sweet and obvious for a whole week. He calls and messages you every day, checking up on you and continuously reminding you about how excited he is about your date this Friday. As if he's not obvious enough that he really likes you, nonetheless you didn’t want to ruin it for him.

Little did you know, as much you wanted to go on with the date, someone is definitely willing to go above and beyond just so this planned date will not happen.

Haechan has arrived. Yes. Haechan is the one who pulled up in front of your house with his expensive car. And you have no idea why he’s here and how the hell he found your house.

“Hi? Haechan... Did Jaemin sent you to pick me up or something?”

Leaning handsomely on his car frame, wearing a pitch black sunglasses that suits him very well, he smirked and let out a small laugh, raked his hair away from his face, and came closer to you.

“No I’m here to steal you away from him. Now, hop in before he gets here any minute,”

And with quick movements and a firm grip on your wrist, he put you inside his car. But not against your will of course. It was as if your feet knew you wanted to come, it was as if your body knew you needed to get in. But your mind was telling you every possible consequence once you get in his car.

The drive was so awkward. Half of Haechan's brain is telling "what the fuck did you do?" while the other is saying, "congratulations, at least she didn't slap you" Nonetheless, the date still happened. And it was mighty beautiful even though it’s far from planned. He told you he wasn’t prepared for anything and that going to your house, unplanned and uninvited was completely reckless and wrong. Not to mention he just betrayed one of his best friends. And he did all this for you.

He drove and drove as far as he can go and brought you to a movie theater somewhere you don’t know but you don’t care. He took you on a decent dinner where he paid generously even though you offered your share, but he didn’t let you. What a gentleman. And over dessert he kept on making you laugh with all his stories, and through his stories, you learned that he has a free spirit. He was free like a bird, unlike you.

“Do you always, do what you want?” you asked him.

“No,” he smiled weakly and reached for your hand, “at least not yet” he cleared his throat and changed the subject, “heard your family had a great luncheon last week,”

“You knew about that stuff?” and by ‘stuff’ you mean rich people shit. So if he knew about your family’s lunch party, Haechan must be rich too.

“I know what your thinking. And the answer is yes, but that’s my family’s money not mine. Besides, I’m not on good terms with them”

“How about your friends? The uhm… 7Dream? How long are you friends with them?”

“I think I’m already friends with them in my past life. That long. And I just betrayed one of them today and I have no regrets about it,” he smiled so handsomely at you.

It was an unexpected sweet day. Your first date with Lee Donghyuck and possibly the last one. He was full of surprises even for someone who didn’t plan this and because of that your affection for him was growing and it’s growing fast. You remember how that quick conversation during Jaemin's party bothered you for a week, you wonder how many weeks are you going to relive this date over and over and over again in your hea.

On your way back to his car, it was really late already and you knew you’re going to be dead and grounded for the next few weeks. Not knowing about your situation and how your parents are really strict when it comes to your curfew, Haechan saw a public pool and told you, “come on it will be fun” and instantly climbed over the fence quietly and opening the gate from the inside for you.

“Were not supposed to do this” you whispered and reminded him like the good girl that you are.

“Says who?” He whispered back and proceeds to striping in front of you until he’s only wearing his boxers. You have never seen a guy strip in front of you and damn, he just makes you feel so shy whenever he’s careless and shameless like this.

"I have extra clothes in my car if that's what you're worried about" he said before he jumps in, the water splashes and instantly wet the new shoes that you specifically bought for this day. And you can’t believe you’re trespassing tonight. Seriously you're thinking about going to jail tonight and you're already thinking of an excuse to tell your parents. You’ve never done anything so reckless in your entire life but... you wanted to get in the water with him.

“Get in with me, please?” He pouted cutely, completely winning you over.

“Okay, but can you please turn around?” You asked of him and he immediately gave in to your request. You remove your dress with quick movements and secure it to somewhere dry. And with your matching thin underwear, you joined him shyly. Covering your body with your arms, shivering because of the cool water and trying so hard to avoid his deep gaze as he comes closer to you. And with only one soft touch you ended up pushing him away, almost panicking because you thought he will take advantage of you.

“Relax I just want to hold you close. It's warmer that way, I won’t do anything fishy,” he promised. And since he gave you his world, you reached for his hand and let him close the gap between your bodies and kept each other close in the middle of the pool. He made you wrap your legs around his waist, a bold move that felt so sinful but he didn’t do anything. Keeping his promise to you and continued to enjoy the silence of the night. When you felt him move and walk around the pool, you thought he will drown you just to make fun of you... but you are wrong once again. You then realized that he's swaying and pretending to be dancing with you. The sweet gesture made you smile and giggle, and to make the moment even more perfect, you hummed a song and Haechan instantly let out a laugh because he didn't think t that you would love his crazy idea of dancing in the middle of a public pool.

“Are you going to hurt me in the end? Leave me after you take something away from me?” you ask him a pretty straightforward question, clinging to him even more and stroking your thumb on his wet cheeks but your eyes are on his lips.

“I can't promise you but I can show you,” he said softly and gently stroked your bottom lip like he was asking for permission to kiss you, which you gave him. And the kiss happened. Smiling in between kissing and holding each other closely, you feel no regrets anymore about doing something so reckless with him.

After that night, you and Haechan dated beautifully and got addicted to each other so fast that you can't stand being apart from each other even just for a day. Especially Haechan. Though he doesn’t show it to you that much, the man is very much in love and will do everything for you. He had never been with someone who cares about him deeply and genuinely, the way you hold on to him even when your relationship is not a smooth ride and the way you accepted him as him and not because you belong in the same rich world. You knew right on that he's not perfect, but you accepted him because he has always been a reckless choice from the very start, but you never regret anything when it comes to him. And even when it comes to the little things, you simply make him happy. May it be drawing a small heart on his hand, whenever you give him the last piece of dumpling, or as simple as returning his kisses with deeper ones.

He loves you. So much. But showing it was the hardest part because he didn’t want to show you that somehow he’s vulnerable. Whenever you two fight like crazy to the point that you slap him so hard even your hand hurt like hell, he can see that you can leave him any minute. And of course he’s not going to be the weak one in this relationship. But again, he loves you.

He shows it by getting mad at you whenever you talk to boys he doesn't know. Heck he even gets mad whenever you talk to his friends to the point that he’s ready to start a fight with them.

“Have you forgotten that I basically stole you from Jaemin!”

“I wasn’t his, to begin with-“

“That’s not my point! He used to fucking like you! Of course I’m threatened!” Haechan yelled at you outside Mark’s house in front of strangers and drunk teenagers. Funny how just a few minutes ago, you and Haechan were whispering sweet words in the middle of playing beer pong with his friends. And when he left you just a few minutes to get you a drink, he saw that Jaemin got you a juice already and he was beyond pissed that he pushed Jaemin so hard, making him spill his drink on your blouse.

Now you’re just cold inside your boyfriend’s car, on your way home while he drives silently. Not saying a single word the whole cold drive. No ‘im sorry’, no ‘i love you’, not even a ‘good night, see you tomorrow'.

He shows his love by being so possessive that he almost treats you like an item he dearly owns and not as his girlfriend. You never understand it but still, you’re willing to stay and fight for this relationship.

Your relationship wasn’t any other. And the difference of your worlds reflects on your relationship even if you don’t want to, it just naturally shows... that you and Haechan aren’t compatible but your two hearts are struggling and fighting for each other.

They say that the first months of being in a relationship were the sweetest and the best because this is the part where you will know each other deeper, the part where you just can’t wait to know more about your partner. But what do you do when you don’t like what you’re discovering about Haechan? Your boyfriend. What do you do when he hurts you more than he shows that he loves you. But then again no one dares to leave. You always find a way to forgive him and he finds a way to show you that he's sorry without telling you exactly that he is sorry.

“Why do you drive me crazy like this if you won’t have sex with me,” he moans and continues to kiss you hard. You have no idea how hard it is for Haechan to stop himself from fucking you, but nonetheless, he controls himself because he has no plans on forcing you. “I can’t even fuck my own girlfriend,” he said in between kissing and you can’t help but to get offended and push him away. “Ouch! What the fuck?”

“Is sex really that important to you that you can’t let this moment pass peacefully and let me kiss you without feeling guilty?” you exclaimed.

“Stop being a bitch! It’s not my fault you’re not ready!”

“That’s it,” you gather your stuff with quick movements, “We’re over. I’m breaking up with you” you hear yourself croak and the next thing you know you’re in tears but Haechan was quick to lock his door and did not let you get out of his car.

Baby, you didn’t mean that right? I’m sorry, please take it back. These were the words that Haechan wanted to say to you and the words that you wanted to come out from his mouth, but it didn’t.

“Don't be childish you didn't mean that. I’m just saying- Look, you keep asking me to show you how much I love you, well, sex is one of those things! That’s what normal couples do” he let out a heavy sigh and soothed the part of his face that you slapped so hard, “I want a relationship where we can do things together in bed but... ugh- Whatever, go inside your mother is probably looking for you”

And so you did.

You get inside your house feeling so mad and annoyed. While Haechan drove away without apologizing or saying something about the breakup. Is it over? He was right, you didn’t mean it because the moment he drove away you wanted him back. It just came out from your mouth like when you're drunk and you just say whatever that comes to your head... even if you didn't really mean it.

If you’re being honest, one of the many reasons why you doubt Haechan’s love for you is maybe because you never let him have you. Maybe, if you have sex with him, your relationship can be saved and can get better. At least those were the advice you received from his girl friends. Telling you that sex was one of the many things why Haechan is popular with girls. And that maybe he loves you so much that he’s willing to give it up for you just because he knew you’re not ready.

On the next day, you didn’t expect him to be waiting outside your school, still wearing his school uniform. By the looks of it, he went straight to your school after his class even though you told him it’s over last night. And truth be told you're glad that he's here.

“Hi” he greets you without a smile but he approached you and asked for your bag which you gave to him without hesitation. He kissed you on the cheek and walked you over to the front seat and open the car door for you.

“So where do you want to eat?” He said while putting his seatbelt on.

“You already know my answer,” you answered calmly and with a small smile. He nodded and focused on driving, you wonder if he wanted to talk about the fight last night, you wanted to say sorry but you figured you didn’t do anything wrong. And while you’re in the middle of contemplating whether to bring up the fight last night or not, he reached for your hand while he was driving. Eyes on the road but he knew what he was doing when he got ahold of your hand which he kissed one too many times and it made your heart melt.

He loves you.

After that day Haechan never brought up sex again. He would rather be careful with his words and showing you that he’s trying to be better, than talking things out with you and thinking of a solution together. No, Haechan is not like that. He will do everything in his own way.

The fight regarding having sex stopped, thankfully. But fighting over the smallest of things will never go away. Especially when it comes to jealousy. Whether he’s the one who’s jealous, or you’re the one who’s getting really sick and tired of all the girls flirting with him, in front of you. The fight will either last for days, weeks or if you’re lucky enough it can only last a few hours. But no matter how you end up getting mad at each other, it can always be solved by sweet and sincere kisses. Forgiveness was always on the table and because of that, you feel like your relationship is invincible. As long as you forgive and forget.

“What If let you have sex with other girls... you know like a one night stand?”

You blame the stuffy air inside his car, the smell of cigarettes from his hair and his deep kisses that kept you moaning for the last few minutes.

You knew it was a stupid idea but you really can’t stomach how Haechan tries so hard to control his horniness whenever you two are making out and his kisses were becoming different and so is the way that he touches you. He’s struggling but you.... it feels so good to you that you feel like you’re going to give in any minute to him.

“That’s stupid-“

“Baby you’re like a vampire controlling your thirst. Look at me, look what you’ve done” you said in your calmest. Breathing hard from the heavy kisses, your dress skirt is lifted so high that he can already see your panties, your bra cups were pulled down from the inside of your dress, not to mention your nipples are hard... in other words you looked so ruined and it’s all Haechan’s doing.

He didn’t say a word but immediately tried making you decent again by fixing your clothes and wiping his spit on your cheeks due to wild kissing. He wanted to say that he’s sorry but nothing is coming out from his mouth.

“I’m not mad and to be honest I am sorry,”

“For what? I’d rather feel like shit over and over again rather than cheat on you. I have your nudes and I can take care of myself when I get home. Please never mention this again. It’s stupid Y/n,” he said and kissed you on your temple.

After that conversation with Haechan you always try to find ways to satisfy him. Ways that are subtle, but has a heavy kick for Haechan. Like whenever you use your tongue and dominate the kiss, whenever you ended up sitting on his lap while making out, whenever you reach for his hand to make him cup your boobs and tell him to knead them clothed.

And the shit that made him lose his mind, is when you removed your shirt and bra for the first time in front of him. You swear you witnessed his jaw dropped. It was during a quiet afternoon in his house and you ended up making out in his cozy bathroom where it always smelled good.

He came closer, and slowly put his hand at the small of your back and started kissing your temple, down to your cheeks and lips, but he wasn’t satisfied and so he started kissing your neck and making you weak.

“Can I touch you?” He asked through a soft whisper that sent tingles on your pussy.

“Of course,” you answered.

He touched your left boob first with his right hand. Looking directly at what he’s doing, the way his hand kneads your boobs, how his thumb brushes on your nipples and makes it hard and sensitive. He can’t believe that this is really happening now. And he made it even more real for the both of you when he started to kiss the valley between your boobs and slowly driving himself towards your sensitive spot. His kisses on your boobs felt great and tingly that you were clenching and unclenching the whole time.

But just as you thought that he was done, he made you sit on the cold tile of his sink and spread your clothed legs so he can place himself in between your legs. Haechan took you by surprise when you felt his tongue swipe on your nipple, and then he completely devoured it. Kissing it like it was your mouth, licking it fast and slow which makes you jolt every time. Left and right he takes his precious time playing with your nipples. It doesn't matter how long he has been kissing and licking them, it felt fucking good.

“Do you like it?” He asks, kissing your mouth for the meantime to give your nipples a rest. You returned the kiss and put your arms around his neck, and without any warning, Haechan then pinched both your nipples and gave the right amount of pressure to make you weak and aroused.

“Mmm. Fuck- do it again?” You ask with an innocent tone. Kissing him on the lips and on his neck to make him give in to your request.

“No,” he smirked and it made you giggle and scoff. “Thanks for letting me do this,” he placed an innocent kiss on your lips and reached for a clean shirt from his rack. He helped you look decent again and after that moment in his bathroom, your day continued in his bed while watching Netflix.

Not long after what happened, you and Haechan started fooling around even more. And by fooling around, that means he can do more than nipple play to you now.

It started when he was licking and kissing your boobs while you’re comfortably lying in his bed, making beautiful noises that only Haechan can hear. Your shirt was lifted just above your chest and your bra was long discarded and already on the floor. You thought that this would be a normal heavy makeout and intense nipple play, but Haechan decided to tease you and did something you have never experienced before.

You didn’t quite expect it and you were busy moaning with your eyes closed when he did it. Suddenly you felt his tongue interact with your wet panties. He holds you down when you were about to get up, but he was strong and to be honest, you like what he was doing. So you accepted defeat and accepted the pleasure that he was giving.

He kissed your inner thighs while playing with the hem of your panties, shy to ask if you want to go further. But you voluntarily opened your legs and put your hand above his head, playing with his soft locks while he kisses your clothed pussy. And when he finally removed your panties slowly, again he can’t believe that this is happening.

Haechan licked your very wet slit slowly, up and down, while watching you moan. He wanted to know what’s on your mind, he wanted to know if he’s doing a good job through your words. Is he licking and touching you in the right places? But even though his head is full of thoughts right now, he wanted one thing to happen. He wanted to do a good job pleasuring you because you deserve it.

Throwing away his thoughts on the side, he hooked his arms around your legs and parted your pussy lips without any warning. That bold move made you open your eyes and tried closing your legs for you feel very sensitive right now. He focused on licking your clit, and in no time you were a moaning mess. Even messier than before.

Since this was your first time receiving such pleasure, as expected you came so early and your legs were shaking nonstop. Of course, your boyfriend stopped. But he stopped not because he didn’t want to overstimulate you, but because he has something new in his mind.

“You okay? How was it?” He asked with a cute smile, placing himself on top of you while watching you get down from your previous high. This is his first time making you cum. And he loved how your body feels warm against him.

“Good. So good” you smiled weakly.

“In that case, can you give me another one?” he started kissing your neck and kneading your boobs, grinding his clothed cock on your thigh and you felt his hard bulge. Slowly his hand traveled between your legs and you spread them voluntarily. You knew what he was going to do, you see this happen in porn. And given that you’re incredibly wet right now, he was confident that two fingers will go in smoothly.

So he put two fingers inside you and positioned himself on top of you like he was fucking you already. He matched the motion of his fingers with the motion of his hips. This is the closest he can get to having sex with you.

“You feel so tight, fuck I can’t wait to fuck you someday,”

He whispered those filthy words near your ear in the most sexiest tone and surprisingly you love it. You cling to him even more, putting your hands inside his shirt and feel his warmth.

“I’m half naked and you’re fully clothed. You’re so unfair,” you informed him and kissed him deeply. “Faster,” you pleaded, and of course Haechan gave in. In no time you’ve reached your high again clenching and unclenching while his fingers are still inside you. Trying to plot another plan on making you cum, you stopped him already before you could voluntarily open your legs again. He chuckled and promised you, “okay okay. No more. Kiss me? Did you have fun?”

You placed kisses around his face, still weak from your high but it feels good that you and Haechan are having such an intimate moment. “I loved every second of it,” you answered and kissed him down until he lands on the mattress.

Moments like this are the ones you love the most whenever you and Haechan are not fighting and putting your pride first. It's not because he made you cum for the first time, and finger fucked you for the first time. You love the feeling of peace between your two hearts... even just for a few hours.

But of course, all good things come to an end, a week after that unforgettable moment you got into a big fight with Haechan. It was regarding meeting your parents and the revelation during that fateful luncheon.

Haechan didn’t want to do it at first because attending the luncheon means he has to dress up for the occasion like he’s attending one of his family gatherings during the holidays. He hated those days. But nonetheless, he’s doing this for you and picked up a decent suit even though he’s not sure if he picked the right suit for the event. He did his best and definitely put an effort into it.

“What are you wearing? At least give some effort- you’re meeting my parents for goodness sake” you whine and tried fixing his hair. He even smelled like cigarettes.

Annoyed and frustrated, Haechan shook his head in disbelief and can’t believe what he’s hearing from you. He wanted to say that he tried so hard to look decent for this fucking event but he didn’t want to say it out loud because he knew you will end up fighting.

The luncheon was a waste of time. Most of the time he’s in his own little corner with a glass of water in his hand and it seems like you forgot that you have him as a guest for today.

Funny how Haechan realized that it doesn’t matter if you both belong in the same rich world, he’s still not good enough for you..

“So Haechan where are you planning to go to college?” your mother asked but deep inside she doesn’t care about any of that.

“Not planning” Haechan answered rudely. You secretly reached for his lap to remind him who he’s talking to but he didn’t care and kept eating.

Meanwhile, your mother knew exactly what to do with this young stupid love. And because he didn’t like the way Haechan talks to her, she decided to further ruin Haechan’s afternoon.

“Do you know that Y/n is going to college? And she got accepted to a prestigious college. I’m so proud of you darling, we just got the letter yesterday,”

"That's good ma'am. I guess you're glad because she can stay the hell out of me right?" he smirked and enjoyed his food. But your mother did not shut up after that ruckus. She kept on boasting about your achievements in life, not because she's proud of you or anything. She only wanted to piss Haechan and show him that he will never be good enough for you.

Just like how his father's company is not good enough to be one of your family's business partners.

All his rage and anger came out a few days after that fucking luncheon. He didn’t call you, came to your house or picked you up after school like he normally does. And during that time, the space between you and Haechan made you realize that if this young love can’t survive before you leave for college, that’s your wake up call. And you promise to yield and not fight for this relationship anymore. But the way you see it now, you’re the only one who’s willing to work on this relationship and Haechan does not care at all anymore.

Until he finally showed up in the middle of the night, a week later. He looked like shit, he’s drunk and you can’t let him drunk drive his way home. So you sneaked him to your room and took care of him quietly. Good thing Haechan is not loud whenever he’s drunk and that he sobered up while you were helping him clean up.

After a week of not talking and not seeing each other, just like that you quickly forgive and forget about it. Because you knew he'd do the same thing if you were in his shoes. You missed his warm embrace, the sound of his heartbeat, and the feeling of his fingers intertwined with you. And tonight he’s incredibly clingy.

“Keep quiet you’ll wake everyone “ you giggle softly and kept him close after receiving a number of ‘i love yous’ from him. And even though he smelled like alcohol and cigarettes tonight, you don’t care.

“Do I still make you happy?” he asked out of nowhere. “Don’t leave me. I’m nothing without you. You’re the only good thing left in my life”

“I always hurt you and sometimes you deserve it because you’re a bitch. But I love you so much. You know that right? Don’t leave. Please”

That time, you can’t move or respond to what he said because you don’t know what to say. And deep inside you can’t admit to him the ugly truth that you have to break up with him eventually if all things fail.

“Want to do it tonight?” Haechan brought you back to reality and the next thing you know he’s kissing your neck and putting his hand inside your sleepwear. He kneads your boobs right away, pinching your nipples just how you like it and instantly making you feel good. Oh he knows what he’s doing, then you remember.... he asked you something important.

“Mhmm. You have my consent” you said in a very sweet tone. It was dark in your room and you can’t see each other that much but you felt him smile through the kiss.

He immediately removed his clothes and you did the same with your sleepwear. And while you were busy getting naked, you were feeling kind of happy and excited to be honest. No more being shy, no more delays. Maybe after this night, finally your relationship can go smoothly.

“What’s on your mind?” He once again brought you back to reality with his kisses around your naked body.

“Us” you answered in a soft moan. Swinging your arm around his neck while the other goes in between your bodies. You kept the pleasure coming by taking the first step by bravely stroking his hard cock. Sliding it up and down your wet slit, oh how naughty of you, you thought. You have never been this sinful. You watch him roll his head back while he’s on top of you and in between your legs, arms on both sides of your head, and those beautiful moans and low grunts... you only heard them tonight.

“I’ll take over now,” he said and removed your hand from his cock. He lined it immediately on your opening, looked at you and slowly pushed in.

As expected, you were so tight and it fucking hurt.

“Continue?” He asked, of course you nod.

Pushing in again with the same slow pace but this time his lips are on your lips and his hand is kneading your boobs. Slow sex is not his thing, but this time he wouldn’t mind savoring this moment with you. So by the time that he’s fully inside, he stopped moving and enjoyed the tightness of your hole and the warmth of your walls.

“Worth the wait” he said and planted a kiss on your lips. “I should’ve said this before I go inside you,” he chuckled at his own doing, “but let’s not fight anymore. I’m so tired of fighting and us hurting each other. I’ll be better I promise,”

“Yeah, you definitely should’ve told me that before you pushed in” you both giggled and proceed to kiss. And finally, fucking finally, he moved his hips and he went deep on his first thrust.

“Fuck Haechan- you really know what you’re doing”

He just smiled and kissed you down until he reaches your chest and sucked your nipples. He pinned your legs on the mattress, looked at you straight in the eye and fucked you at a steady pace. Given that it’s your first time, the sex was kind of boring for Haechan but for you, it was heaven in bed, but he made sure that you get the perfect experience for your first time. How? Well, he started by not letting you cum too early by not stimulating your clit yet. He made sure every inch of you is touched, even your toes and he’s planning on doing that by giving you a mind blowing orgasm.

He suddenly pulled out, and gave you rest and time to breathe. Asking you questions that don't really register in your brain right now, you just smile and nod while you feel him slide his cock up and down your slit, coating it with your pussy juices and stimulating you a bit.

“Does it still hurt?” He asked.

“Not anymore, the hurt is long gone I think it’s because I’m so wet right now”

“So that means I can do this now?”

“Do what now-“ and just like that he cut you off with a hard thrust. You covered your mouth because he’s now fucking you a little harder than earlier and you love it so much that your eyes are rolling back and your lips are parting.

With hard grunts and heavy breathing, Haechan continued to fuck you harder and you take it without a question. But just as you thought that this is all the pleasure he can give you now, he finally put his thumb on your clit and put pressure on it while fucking you hard. You feel the impact of every thrust and see your boobs bounce up and down because of the intensity.

When you finally came, he covered your mouth with his free hand and let you shiver beneath him while you enjoy your high. He was satisfied even though he clearly can’t cum tonight and make a mess.

“Want me to give you head before you sleep?” You weakly offered.

“No, I’m fine. Thank you,” he kisses you on your forehead and helped you wear your panties again.

Both of your bodies are sweaty and tired but no one cares and you still met in the middle of your bed, wearing only your underwears. Neither of you wanted to finish this night, neither of you wanted to sleep and meet in your dreams, you just want to talk and talk and talk with each other. It felt like you're having your first date again. But because of the good sex earlier, you accidentally fall asleep on Haechan's chest while you were listening to him talk.

"Didn't even let me say 'good night', huh?" he scoffed and embraced you tighter, "I love you, good night" he whispered and followed you in you dreams.

On the next day, you woke up without Haechan on your side so quickly got up and made your way downstairs to check if he was gone or your mother found out that you sneaked him in last night.

When you look through the window, you saw his car still parked so that means he's around your house somewhere. Then you heard distant voices coming from the dining area and quickly checked on it. Only to find out that your mother is talking to him while she's eating her breakfast. At first look Haechan looked like shit and it’s obvious that he’s having a headache. Seeing that no one is really having a good time with their “talk”, you bravely excused your mother from breakfast and brought her to the living room where you thought Haechan wouldn’t hear you, but he clearly can.

“That boy is trash! He’s a disgrace from his family and it’s either he will get you pregnant or he will drag you down- Now you told us you will end things with him!” Your mother exclaimed.

“I love him I can’t just do that-“

“You’re young you don’t know anything about love!”

"You can't see it because you don't know how to love!" you yelled back at her then realized that it’s useless to talk to your mother so you walked out and went to Haechan, only to find him leaving already. You tried to stop him by calling his name over and over again, but he won’t stop walking towards his car but thankfully you got a hold of him.

“I’m sorry my mother is a monster” you apologized to him and tried to ask for a hug but he refused like he was disgusted to you or something.

“I should go and think about us Y/n, this fucking relationship is not healthy anymore”

Hearing it from the guy you love and from the guy you spoke highly in front of your parents completely broke your heart. You can't believe that you yelled at your own mother for him, only to be treated like this in the end. You scoffed and went closer to him, pushing him hard and slapping him. Making him remember his promises last night and what happened in your bed. It was scandalous and you're 100% that your neighbors can hear you and Haechan yell at each other.

“Fine! We’re over! I’m breaking up with you for good” you sob and continue hitting him. To your surprise, he opened his car door and ignored what you just said.

When he started his car, you regret saying the words again right this instance. “No- wait, we're not really breaking up right? You’re going to fix this tomorrow right? Baby? Haechan?”

But he didn't stop at nothing and drove away from you. And as you follow him while he drives away from you, you felt so hopeless as you see him leave and disappear. Is this the breakup that you both deserve after loving each other fiercely?

You feel weak as if your legs forgot how to carry you at that very moment you feel lost. Lost and you felt like something dear and special was taken away from you.

Does Haechan really mean what he said last night? Or is it just for show to have your consent that easily for sex?

That’s it right? Now that he already had you, he has no intentions of keeping you further because he already had what he wanted. And if that’s really the case then there's no point in fighting for this relationship anymore.

He didn’t show up for days and weeks again and that made your breakup official, you guess. But this time, you’re not stupid enough to chase him and ask him to come back. Although the pain in your heart still makes you cry before you sleep, but each day that passes helps you grow and move on from him. Moving on wasn’t simple, you knew that from the very start and on top of that, you still can’t believe that your relationship ended just like that.

During Jaemin's graduation party where you badly needed to attend because of your cousin, you happen to see him there with his friends and some unknown friends. Of course you didn’t take a second look, you already knew that it was him and you’re not planning to ask his attention. So you just ignored him and make everyone realize that you two had broken up already.

It was heartbreaking. You feel the room spinning even though you haven’t had any alcohol the moment you arrived. You feel your chest being squeezed so tight that you feel like someone is hugging you so tight from behind and is about to crush your bones.

Like you, Haechan accepted the breakup because he knew he should stop hurting you like this. And little did you know that Haechan is suffering as much as you are and he hated seeing you like this. His head was most of the time not present lately because he’s busy thinking about you. He feels like he has been hurting and strangling you all this time, caging you into his own little world when you can fly and achieve many great things. And during your time away from each other, he promised to himself that he will try and stop being so selfish by trying to get back to you because he knew the same things will happen over and over again but this time the hurt will be triple for the both of you and he can't do that.

But tonight is his last chance. His last chance to be with you before he sets you free. He loves you. More than you could have ever imagined.

So he quickly followed where you’re headed and decided to bravely talk to you. Only to find you on the exact same spot where he saw you for the first time. Alone. He gently tapped your shoulder and brought you back to reality for that hopeful talk. But he saw you in tears for the first time and he just lost it.

He made small talk, and you savored it.

“Do you remember the night when we first met in this exact spot? It was a good night. I had a great sleep that night by engraving your smile in my head and just… looking forward to seeing you again, even though I’m not incredibly sure that we’ll meet again. But I made it happen”

“How could I forget? You were so loud that night”

“I was loud like that because I was catching your attention” he cleared his throat before he further continues with his confession, “The day I heard about your date with Jaemin, I just snapped and drove straight to where you are even though I don’t know the direction to your house. But I made it happen”

“You hurt me all the time” you blurted out completely changing the mood of your conversation from light to really heavy.

“And that’s why I never apologized because words can’t do shit. I showed you how much I love you right? It’s just… it’s never enough and that’s what's killing me,” You can’t see it but he’s in tears too, still finishing his strong drink to gain more confidence in telling you what he really feels. “Let’s get out of here, be with me” and finally he reached out to you because he thought being honest was enough but then again, he fell short.

“How can you do that to me?” you pushed him away. Harder than expected. “You told me on our first date that you wouldn’t hurt me or leave me after taking something precious from me?”

“Do you really think I’d leave you just because we already fucked?” he scoffed but you see right through him that he was hurt. So that answers your questions, your judgments aren’t true. You watch him drink his beer in one go and threw the red cup, that simply means he’s offended, angry and frustrated. “Whatever. But can you please come with me? Please?”

And without hesitation you came with Haechan and let him drive you away from the chaos of the party and from your cousin. You aren’t exactly in peace with him yet, but it started with one kiss. Then one thing led to another and the next thing you know you’re both naked and kissing in his bed.