#i am all the way a believer that kids under 13 should not be on the interner

[radioroxx]

kids on youtube is something that can be so beautiful

[em-writes-stuff-sometimes]

My Work on Archive Of Our Own

Please ignore if me gushing about the reception of my fics is irritating. I understand there are some people who genuinely hate when fanfic writers do this, so I'm putting it under the cut so you don't have to see it!

(And fair warning; if this irritates you and you still decide to click 'keep reading' and you then decide that I am obviously up myself so I deserve a hate anon or several, I need to preemptively remind you that I gave you the choice not to engage. You will be blocked and I shall call you a silly little guy if you do this.)

I also would like to make this an invitation to anyone who wants to share their proudest stats, or a nice comment they got, or even just something they are really really happy about in having written their fic. (No need to click read more, just go for it and use this as your excuse to show some pride.) On any platform!

Gonna tag the following: @lya-dustin @ewanmitchellcrumbs @the-common-cowgirl @the-wonderland-madnesss @marthawrites

@vampire-exgirlfriend @exitpursuedbyavulcan @emilykaldwen @ripdragonbeans @aegonx

Feel free to turn this into a pass-on game, if you like! We should celebrate the things that make us happy, too. ❤️

I've not ever really posted about this because, IDK, I worry about being considered a conceited asshole. I figure, though, that this is my blog and my safe space and if I want to celebrate something I'm proud of then I should be able to do so. Nor am I implying that I believe this is any sort of metric of popularity or superiority, OR that I write for the sole purpose of validation through clicks and numbers. I have very little interest in engaging with any of that rhetoric. NO. It's just a convenient bonus, kinda like how I love my job and the fact I get paid is awesome but not my primary reason for doing it.

Okay, I think I've got the disclaimers out the way? (Can never be too sure with fandom.)

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who reads my stuff. Not only on here, but on Archive Of Our Own, which is more or less a place I consider the Ultimate Fanfiction Site (TM). It used to be fanfiction.net for me, but then their ads got annoying and their content ban gross, so AO3 it is! I've read fanfiction on AO3 since I was like 13, and I still find it crazy beyond belief that my work is not only on there, but that it gets any sort of traction at all.

As a little acknowledgement of something I'm proud of, I wanted to document my stats on my big series, terms of endearment, as of June 2024. It is by and large the biggest project I have ever done, and I've poured countless hours of researching, writing and editing into it.

darilaros (princess)

Words: 48,843 Comments: 254 Kudos: 801 Bookmarks: 111 Hits: 21,971

gevivys (beauty)

Words: 52,147  Comments: 578  Kudos: 2,965  Bookmarks: 490  Hits: 106,019

dōnus riñus (sweet girl)

Words: 58,775 Comments: 660 Kudos: 3,414 Bookmarks: 635 Hits: 141,339

ilībītsos (little slut)

Words: 62,725 Comments: 556 Kudos: 1,880 Bookmarks: 289 Hits: 99,939

ñuhus prūmȳs (my heart)

Words: 104,063 Comments: 1,188 Kudos: 2,274 Bookmarks: 368 Hits: 110,356

jorrāeliarzus (beloved) (ongoing)

Words: 38,451 Comments: 234 Kudos: 454 Bookmarks: 86 Hits: 16,208

That makes for a total of 365,004 words; 3,470 comments; 11,788 kudos; 1979 bookmarks; and 495,832 hits. Jesus Christ.

To everyone who kudos'ed, commented, bookmarked, subscribed or even just clicked on the link to the fic, thank you very much. This series has grown and grown, not just in my head but also in audience. It's given me so much encouragement and support in my writing, and a feeling like maybe I am decent at this? I don't know. I used to write when I was a kid, but I stopped during high school. Rediscovering the joy of it hasn't just been rewarding in terms of having fun with it, but also in discovering that there are people who genuinely want to read what I'm putting out. I've spent a lot of my life feeling powerless and silenced, so this really means so much to me.

I am going to keep on writing for as long as I possibly can, because I genuinely haven't found a hobby as long-lived and fulfilling as this.

Thank you. I'm so very lucky. I'm so grateful. I love you all!

[horizon-verizon]

The way TG want to pretend Book Alicent isn’t an evil and repugnant hag is going to drive me INSANE.

In Fire & Blood, when Alicent marries Viserys, Alicent is 18 and Rhaenyra is 9.

By the time Rhaenyra is 13 and Alicent has birthed two sons, Alicent is already spreading harmful and disgusting rumors about Rhaenyra’s “promiscuity”. This is a woman in her mid-20s maligning, slut shaming and sexualizing an orphan girl who’s still in middle school, all to advance her incompetent sons in the line of succession. Criston Cole is 15 years older than Rhaenyra, he became her sworn protector when she was 7 and accompanied her ever since, Alicent is literally mocking and blaming a victim of sexual grooming.

The same Alicent who laughed when she heard about the sack of Tumbleton where little girls and women were raped hundreds times and septas were chased naked through the streets and gang raped by a hundred men.

Just as Aegon II was starting to think about folding it, in the face of oncoming and angry Rhaenyra loyalists, on the recommendation that Prince Aegon would likely just send him to The Wall, it’s Alicent who pipes up with her suggestion that he instead start slicing his 10 years-old nephew to pieces as a warning.

After Aegon III becomes king, Alicent snatches a dagger from a guardsman in an attempt to murder him.

Her urging her granddaughter Jaehaera to slit her husband and cousin, Aegon III’s throat in his sleep traumatized the girl so badly that Aegon’s regents forbade Alicent from ever interacting with Jaehaera again.

It’s clear that Alicent stans can’t separate the character from the actress who plays her. Before HOTD aired, absolutely no one thought Alicent was anything but an awful and abusive stepmother. The parasocial relationship with Olivia is so creepy and disturbing.

Giving Alicent the benefit of the doubt, it's possible that she at least showed much more restraint and never said what it told to be her laughing at the Tumbleton thing, or whatever she said twisted to make her seem worse. I do believe that she said Rhaenyra should have died in childbirth. Why this and not the other? Because wants her side to look as good as possible, and laughing at a MASS terror event is simply not equal to wishing death on a singular enemy. Plus, as a woman, blatant desires or approval for violence in war doesn't go down as well as a woman hating another women for men, even though the latter troubles them if they are directly witnessing that.

But who knows, she may have developed some feelings of regret ever since Lucerys' death and how it went down--bc it's kinslaying and she's ult religious, doesn't want her kids committing blatant sins esp when they are trying to make them all look better than Rhaenyra.

As for Alicent urging and Aegon "folding":

Yes he considered folding, but logically Alicent was in the right to point out that he'd never be truly safe under Aegon III after killing Rhaenyra the way he did and in front of the traumatized boy...whether Alicent is evil or not, this is out of her control and she decided to suggest what she thought would preserve her son's life in perpetuity. Again, I am not saying she is being morally correct or that none of this wasn't partly her fault in the first place or that we shouldn't criticize her greed. I am saying that before we chalk up her suggestions as just malicious or flattingly evil here (before we get to Jaehaera), there is this particular element of her seeing the blatant flaw in Aegon's hope and trying to preemptively preserve his life in lieu of all her children else has died and gone...nothing like show!Alicent. Aegon was stupid-desperate and she always wanted and acted to preserve his life and get him the throne based on her perception of his right to it.

The rest of what you say, yeah, evil, no two tones about it. I want to add, though, that this feels like a deliberate progression into her doing as she does post-Dance against Aegon III; before Rhaenyra's death, she was relatively restrained and deliberate in her actions and even took care to protect the city from the blacks by ways that if there hadn't been dragons she had a chance of succeeding. However, you can see a difference b/t her at the council & when Rhaenyra touches down at the Castle vs her really dumb "bastard blood shed at war" attempt at negotiation vs Aegons return vs her reaction to Helaena's death vs her post-Dance actions. Pattern here is she gets progressively more ruthless or at least takes less pains to disguise it or beat around the bush and it's bc she feels herself slowly losing her kids and reacts by becoming even more determined to secure the throne for Aegon, bc then he'd/she'd have the highest authority and be less vulnerable. Kinda the only way through is up sorta thing and it resembles a sunk-cost fallacy except no bc she'd be right that they need to win in order to finally be "safe".

Again, I don't like her and I don't feel bad for her, but she's not out here just trying to destroy Rhaenyra for the fun of it--though I am sure this fuels and inspires much of her actions in lieu of her offense at her not reaping the "promised" benefits of birthing a prince/another woman having what she'd have. She is going by her twisted values and eventually wants to also protect her kids and the "ratio" of that at any given time is pretty negligible in the very beginning, as we don't really know, too, how much she truly believes Daemon would murder her kids--either covertly or overtly.

Finally, when all her kids are gone, she's willing to potentially sacrifice her granddaughter to destroy the "carrier" of how those kids died in the war's duration, projecting her regrets and making it everyone else's problem--her final "unraveling". For her, she's willing to do this to her granddaughter even though she loved her kids simply bc she couldn't live with her own regrets. And girls are more disposable in the value system most of them had, esp with Jaehaera having disabilities--perhaps a "she's going to suffer anyway", and she rationalized that Jaehaera would be always spared from certain death for Aegon's murder bc she is so feeble and a child.

So there's an interesting progression here in Alicent's psyche that belies the thought of her having simple malice against the blacks.

[the-drayster]

// Character introspection!

This is just a post where I talk about some things I realized last night. Quite literally shower thoughts.

The reason Drayton prefers wearing things like long skirts, or if that's not an option, full-length pants, is because of his POTS. Blood pooling makes his legs look weird, and he doesn't like it, so he hides them.

Going more in-depth under the cut, but warning!!! I am going to include a few pictures of what blood pooling with POTS looks like, so if veins and blue skin and feet and that sort of thing gross you out, you may not want to give it a look.

-

Basically, blood pooling is where all of (not literally) your blood settles in a specific part of your body. Most of the time withs POTS, this happens with your legs, as they're the lowest part of your body, and gravity, right? Usually my blood pools in my arms and hands.

Here's a silly looking graphic of what happens.

And some photos of what blood pooling looks like.

Your legs go blue, and your veins bulge, or are otherwise way easier to see. How bad this happens depends on the person, but it's something fairly common in most folks with POTS.

So, what exactly does this have to do with our boy here?

The simplest answer is that it looks really weird. He doesn't like it. Drayton, for the most part, doesn't care an awful lot about his appearance, but the veins and the blue and red splotchy skin looks really odd. He probably got a lot of comments about it when he was younger.

Now, usually POTS symptoms start when you're around 12-13. Also, POTS is usually something that only AFAB people get. These two factors are important.

At 12-13, you are at the age where other people's comments, especially those of other kids, start to actually affect you. So, when Dray was being an ordinary kid, running around in shorts, and people see the blue-veiny legs and go "Ew what's wrong with you", it hurt him a lot. Drayton is a very casual person, but comments like that wear on him more than he'd like anyone to know. It doesn't help that he was already facing some bullying for his Dyslexia and Dysgraphia.

The other thing, is that usually only AFAB people get pots. So, typically women. It is possible for AMAB people to have POTS, but it's far more uncommon. So, for the people who do know about POTS, it's about a fifty/fifty shot that they actually believe him when he says "This is what's wrong with me". They either think he's lying for attention, or that he's just wrong.

And so, he hides his symptoms. He starts wearing long pants, and when he figures out that he likes wearing skirts, long skirts. Besides, it's easier to put on a pair of compression socks/tights under a skirt. It isn't just a fashion choice.

I already knew that I wanted him to be uncomfortable with having people see his legs, but I hadn't had a particular reason until I noticed "Hey, when I take a shower, my legs are covered in red blotches". I had forgotten about it, because it's something normal to me. Nothing is wrong with me, it's just my blood is weird. But, if that's something that happens all the time, especially if it's the full pooling with the veins and the blue skin and whatnot, it's probably one of those things that is easier to hide than to face head-on.

Another thing that this effects is his general laziness. I've already spoken some about how chronic fatigue with POTS is part of his laziness problem, but this is another thing.

He doesn't like getting up and moving around because it's hard. His legs are quite literally heavier than they should be.

The best way I can describe the way blood pooling feels is like this.

You know the feeling of your arm or leg falling asleep? It's like that, but rather than a lack of blood flow, there's too much. Your limbs feel heavy, they hurt, they may be slightly swollen. It tingles, and you just feel odd.

So, he avoids that feeling. By avoiding getting up.

That's all I really have to say for this. It's something I realized could very easily apply to Drayton, and thought was interesting enough to share. Enjoy!

[casualsnickers]

Month of Emmet Quick Write #13

Prompt #13: Stars

All working trains need their maintenance to function. It's essential. Emmet knows this, but between making sure Ingo is thriving and between maintaining his own public appearances, Emmet has completely (and intentionally) ignored his safety checks. For months. Drayden is not pleased. Neither is Ingo. Both hatch a little plan of sorts to begin the necessary maintenance needed.

Read the whole thing below the cut.

Boots clambered over stones. Headlights shone in the dark, twin beams focusing on a massive lump of electromagnetic crystals growing out of the cavern floor. 

“I believe we should be in the main chamber.” Emmet carefully stepped into the ankle-high water, watching his reflection waver as he started toward the crystal growth. 

Behind him, Drayden coughed, ducking his head to avoid a lagging stalagmite as he earnestly followed after his nephew. “Slow down. You don’t know what’s under the water.”

Water sloshed around Emmet’s boots, the sparse light sending pale reflections onto his caving equipment. He was careful to scan the clear water around him, making sure that he didn’t accidentally disrupt any colonies of Tynamo swimming around in the water. “I am Emmet. I know this cave like I know the controls on the inside of an R46.” Emmet passed one of the growing crystals, waiting diligently for his uncle to catch up and place his hand on his shoulder. “I have known this place since I was a kid.”

“Don’t remind me of how old you are,” Drayden huffed. His hand remained steadily on Emmet’s shoulder, carefully following along as the younger led him quickly through winding stone corridors where Boldore shuffled along, their topaz and citrine gemstones glittering in the lights of the two men’s headlamps. “Are we nearly at our destination?”

“Almost.” Emmet reconsidered the cave and briefly shut his eyes, figuring out his exact location within the narrow confines of Chargestone Cave. His uncle had specifically asked him to escort him to a point deep in the depths of the cave. Drayden had mentioned that a buddy of his had been wandering through the cave some time ago and had accidentally dropped his things in a pit, Drayden offering to go and retrieve it for him. And by that, Drayden meant that he would drag Emmet with him.

That was exactly how Emmet had found himself being excused from work for three whole days on a whim against his will. The days had been given to him using Ingo’s signature. Ingo, who had already made plans to cover his shifts. Ingo, who was only just getting used to being an administrative boss again. Inwardly, Emmet grumbled to himself. I am going to be very behind on paperwork. He clenched and unclenched his jaw. Ingo has to perform alone. Not good. And I don’t believe I asked Ramses or Cloud to cover for me while I’m away. 

All Emmet wanted to do was finish up with this retrieval mission and hurry back to the station to ensure that Ingo was performing safely. Not that he didn’t trust his brother. That wasn’t the issue. It was the concept of Ingo being alone at the station, the very same basic circumstances that had led to Ingo disappearing all that time ago. Was it unreasonable? Slightly. But the faster he found the items, the faster he could return back to his brother.

Just before Emmet, Eelektross floated leisurely at the forefront, their bioluminescent scales flashing as they swiveled their head this way and that way, excitedly recalling certain geologic structures and splashing through shallow puddles. Galvantula was right behind them, chittering incessantly as it poked its legs into tiny holes, finding entertainment in putting drops of water in the fuzz on top of their head, the wild Joltiks copying them step-for-step.

Emmet found himself smiling tiredly at their antics. It has been such a long time since I aligned tracks with my two pokémon in this manner. He watched as Eelektross playfully splashed Galvantula with water, zipping away into the dark cavern as Galvantula tore after him with a loud squeal. It’s nice. To return back to where my journey began. To see Eelektross and Galvantula so happy and carefree. It’s been a while since I’ve gotten them out of the routine. It’s nice that they’re enjoying themselves.

Emmet stilled when he spotted an unnatural light illuminating an upcoming cavern. He reconjured the mental image of the cave map, frowning. We are deep underground. The electromagnetic crystals glow but they are not supposed to produce such a high level of illumination.  He held up his hand to signal Drayden to stop. “Caution is needed,” he warned quietly. “Something is not right here.”

“Such as?” Drayden peered past him, having not brought any of his own pokémon along. “Do you have an idea of what could be making the cave ahead glow?”

“No. I have not a clue.” Eelektross and Galvantula had both already entered the glowing cave and Emmet couldn’t hear a single noise from either of them. Concertedly, he called out for both of them, anxiety twisting in his gut when he didn’t hear a response. Water splashed around his shoes, the cave floor dipping lower until the water came up to Emmet’s knees. “Uncle. Did you set up the rope behind us for an easy return shuttle back to the third floor?”

“Of course I did. This isn’t my first time exploring.”

“Just checking.” Emmet proceeded further into the icy water, sucking in a breath when the water rose up to his thighs. “I am… unsure where we are,” Emmet admitted. “This cave is supposed to be dry; not wet. There shouldn’t be any risk of flooding. None that I know of at the very least.”

Drayden was quiet for a moment. “I think we should keep going. See what’s making all that light. See where your pokémon went off to, most importantly.” Drayden then set a calming hand on Emmet’s back, steering him forward. “Don’t worry too much about your pokémon, nephew. You trained them well. I’m sure they’re just running amok bothering the locals.”

Emmet clicked his tongue, playfully shoving the man. “My pokémon are well behaved.”

“Your Archeops is banned within the Mistralton air space. I’m considering banning it from the Opelucid air space as well.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“I could,” Drayden muttered, stroking his beard.

Emmet only shook his head and stepped into the glowing cave. He then gasped, turning off his headlight.

Chargestone Cave was seldom ever bright but as Emmet stepped through the receding waters, he walked right into a blinding beam of moonlight, the waters around him crystal clear to the point where Emmet could see the bottom of the massive pool. Electromagnetic stones floated over the water in loose rings, schools of Tynamo swimming and diving and zipping along the trails of stones in one dazzling array of intricate scale flashing and tail flapping. Joltiks swarmed the walls, their webs glittering in the light of the moon making patternless constellations of thread and pebbles and water droplets.The call of an Unpheasant could be heard clearly like the peal of a bell, ricocheting around the cavern and settling deep into Emmet’s bones.

Emmet angled his head upward, catching sight of the night sky far overhead and with it, a dizzying amount of stars around a full moon. “This… what… moonlight?”

Drayden moved past him, settling himself on a boulder. He chuckled upon seeing Emmet’s reaction and in the blink of an eye, had taken a picture using his Xtransceiver. And when Emmet still couldn’t find words to ask what exactly was going on, Drayden motioned toward the spot on the stone right beside him. The moment Emmet clambered over, Drayden reached over and ruffled his hair. 

“You know… I was lying. My friend never visited this cave. There’s nothing to retrieve here.”

Emmet started forward. “You? Lying? To me?” He was too transfixed on the natural beauty of Chargestone Cave to be annoyed, his eyes adjusting to the silver light that bathed the cavern and most importantly, the fact that his pokémon had seamlessly blended in with the wild pokémon the whole time. But then, after revelling in the change, Emmet’s irritation at having his entire schedule upheaved caught up with him. His eyes narrowed and he scowled. “Why? Why did you bring me here then? I have a lot to do back at the station and at home.”

Drayden met Emmet's questioning gaze, reaching into his own pack to take out… a sandwich. “Had to come up with some excuse or another to get you on your own, nephew. I know you like this place, so I figured I would make up some tall tale to get you to come with me.”

“I understand that, but why lie to me? You could have just… asked me… to come here with you. Instead of completely ruining my schedule for this week. Now I’m going to be behind in work.” Emmet then blinked, his irritation being replaced by worry as he climbed off of the rock, glancing down the way the two men had came. “I will prepare the tracks to depart immediately- “

Drayden stopped him in his tracks by reaching out and grabbing the back of Emmet’s waders, easily holding him in place. “You’re not going anywhere. We only just got here.”

“I have responsibilities, uncle,” Emmet retorted. “I have to get back to them immediately.”

“Sit back down, Emmet. Your brother is handling them as we speak.”

“Ingo?” Emmet burst out, the idea making him even angrier. “Ingo is only supposed to be working on administrative duties. He is not authorized to make any repairs to the station’s engines in my stead- “

“But he is authorized to have your team of mechanics work on them while you’re away. Sit back down.” And when Emmet angrily relented- he couldn’t just abandon his passenger as much as he wanted to- Drayden reached into his pack again and pulled out another sandwich, handing it to Emmet. “It was all a ruse. I just wanted to spend time with you, nephew. It’s rare that I ever have time to visit you boys between my responsibilities as the mayor of Opelucid and of course, a part-time Gym Leader. But I figured- working with Ingo- that I could arrange for us to go on a trip.”

“...You wanted… to spend time… with me?” Emmet asked weakly as if the concept was almost foreign to him. Nobody ever really invited him to places or outings just by himself. It was always both him and Ingo. Paired together. Inseparable. And the idea that Drayden had specifically requested time to drag Emmet away- solely Emmet- befuddled him. “Why? Why not Ingo as well?”

Drayden held no humor in his tone, his eyebrows furrowing at the weakness in Emmet’s voice. “You’re my nephew. I want to spend time with you and only you right now. And you’re spending too much time gravitating around your brother. I’m beginning to think that you’re overvaluing him over yourself.”

Hearing Drayden’s words stung him like accidentally touching a live wire, causing Emmet to recoil. “I’m not… doing that. What gave you that idea?”

“You look terrible, nephew. You’ve got bags under your eyes, your hair’s a mess, and from what Ingo tells me, you hardly sleep or eat. Your brother may be missing a few memories but he’s still as sharp as he used to be. We all clued into it: that you need some time away to focus on yourself.” Drayden shuffled on the stone, handing Emmet another sandwich. “You’ve been running nonstop ever since Ingo returned. He’s had his time for maintenance. Now it’s your turn.”

“I don’t need maintenance. I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not. If you were fine, I wouldn’t have had to work with Ingo behind your back to get you here. Every other time I’ve asked to borrow some of your time for a chat or get you to come somewhere with me alone, you’ve always come up with some kind of excuse to keep an eye on your brother or bring him along. But now that you’re here, the only thing you can focus on is getting back home. And here I thought you’d be excited. The moonlight only ever reaches this deep into Chargestone Cave on the winter solstice.”

“...Oh.” Emmet didn’t quite meet Drayden’s eyes, fiddling with his hands in his lap. It still didn’t quite make sense to him. Emmet didn’t really believe that he had much to offer alone. He was the quiet twin, the one that didn’t speak much and the one that… Emmet inwardly flinched. He wasn’t necessarily the most popular between himself and his brother. He had known it for quite some time. 

“Hrmm. Haven’t got much to say?”

“I… well… that’s… fine. That’s fine.” Emmet stared at the water pooling around his boots. Had he been taking care of himself? He was… barely eating. And most of his work had been centered around caring for his brother. Emmet blinked. When was the last time he had really done something for himself without lumping Ingo in? He racked his brain, unable to figure out the last time he had taken time for himself. 

“I also lied about taking three days off.”

“...What?”

“I had Ingo sign you out for an entire week,” Drayden spoke easily, handing Emmet yet another sandwich. “I bought us tickets for a train convention in Galar- the origin of steam engines and the oldest train tracks in the world. Something like that. I also have other things planned in nearby Kalos. We’ll be visiting the Kalos Power Plant for a certain activity- you’ll like it, I’m sure. Oh. And I also wanted to take you to the Kalosian Subway System.”

Emmet’s face withered. “Why that of all things?”

“To see your reaction of course. It’ll be fun. Just the two of us. So just focus on yourself. I’ll take care of the rest.”

“...You will? Are you sure- “

“Absolutely. You deserve time to yourself, nephew. Now stop worrying and enjoy the view. You’ll have to wait another year to see it again.”

“...Right.”

[threewaywithdelusion]

I Would've Liked To Know You: Max

(Warning for major character death (Steve) that occurs before the fic starts, implied/referenced child abuse (Max, nothing on page). This is set in 2002).

Max got the stranger who had given her a ride to drop her at the edge of the cemetery. Her cell phone rang — probably Lucas again, wondering where she was — and she switched it off. She couldn’t handle talking to him. Not yet. 

She made the walk across the fields of the cemetery from memory, pulling her coat closed around her. It was early October and it was chilly in Hawkins. She’d forgotten, since moving to California, how cold it could get here. 

Max passed the part of the cemetery where she knew Billy was buried, but she didn’t stop. She couldn’t. 

She kept going until she reached the far corner of the cemetery. It had been described to her before — the headstone was under a huge tree, which bloomed with flowers in the spring. She ran her fingers over the letters carved into the rock, confirming she was in the right place. 

Steven James Harrington

November 13, 1966 - September 17, 1986

Son, friend, hero

She had long since memorized the words on the headstone.

Maybe she should’ve felt guilty, visiting Steve and not Billy, but she didn’t. Because Steve was more her brother than Billy ever had been. 

She folded her cane and took a seat on the grass, a foot away from the headstone. 

“I don’t know why I’m here,” Max said. That was a lie. “I mean, I know a little. I didn’t, like, run away and board a flight from California and then take a bus down here from Indianapolis for no reason.”

Max fiddled a bit with her cane, folding and unfolding it. She hadn’t said it out loud yet. Had barely admitted it to herself. 

But she’d come all this way to talk to Steve, dammit, so she was going to get her shit together and do it. 

“I’m pregnant,” she said. She gave a little laugh. “You’re the first one to know. I haven’t even told Lucas yet.”

Her phone felt heavy in her pocket. She hadn’t told Lucas where she was going. She’d taken the pregnancy test in a pharmacy bathroom and then had to ask the teenage girl behind the checkout counter to tell her if there were two lines. The girl had said yes, sounding judgmental. Which was maybe fair given that all she knew was that Max was in the kind of situation where she was taking pregnancy tests in a public bathroom when she couldn’t even read the stupid results. 

Max had gone home, not slept for a week straight, then picked a fight with Lucas and run away, all the way from Los Angeles to Hawkins. 

“I’m, uh. I don’t know if you can feel time passing, but I’m thirty-one. This isn’t a teen pregnancy or anything, and Lucas has a job and we haven’t broken up in years. It’s not… it’s- I should be ready for this.”

Max cleared her throat. The wind was blowing, cutting through her jacket and making the trees rustle. Max hated trees. She hated forests. They all made her think of the Upside Down. She loved the never-ending concrete of Los Angeles, the only nature the beaches and the ocean that she still loved.

When she was in California, it was easier to pretend that everything that had happened in Hawkins had been a bad dream. That she and Lucas were fine and normal and had never killed or fought or watched loved ones die. 

“I’m scared,” Max admitted. “My dad left and my mom tried, but she was never good enough. Neil yelled and Billy hurt me and how the fuck am I supposed to take that kind of upbringing and believe I’m someone who can care for a kid?”

The funny thing was that even without the monsters, Max would have been fucked up. She’d had to explain it to Lucas — how when he was silently angry it was worse, because she kept waiting for the moment he’d snap. How he could put down a plate too hard and she’d flinch, scared he was about to grab her or shove her around. How an empty fridge made her heart clench, even after years of always being able to afford food. 

She wasn’t fit to raise a baby. Especially not Lucas’s kid, who should have everything good in the world. Lucas would be an amazing dad, would play games with the kid and teach them basketball and tell stories while doing funny voices, like he did for his DnD characters. 

Max knew he wanted a kid. She also knew he hadn’t said anything because he knew she wasn’t ready. That she might never be ready. 

And then fate or a broken condom had gone and put her in this situation anyway. 

“I thought about getting an abortion,” she told Steve. Maybe it was fucked up, but it was easier to talk to Steve’s grave. Steve had been so patient with her when she’d been a teenager, always offering to listen to her problems, and she’d turned him down time and time again, staying silent and refusing to let him help her. 

“But I couldn’t do it. I don’t want to be a shitty mom, so maybe it’s the right thing to do. But I keep trying to picture my kid for some reason. And I see this little girl with warm brown eyes and my round cheeks and Lucas’s huge smile and some part of me wants that. I want to have a baby that’s half me and half Lucas and I want to do right by her.

I was lying awake, trying to figure out what I wanted to. Thinking about my shitty childhood. And then I thought of you.”

Max set her cane down in the grass, smiling faintly at Steve’s headstone. 

“I thought of the way you drove me around and patched up my skateboarding injuries and bought me milkshakes when I was said or angry but didn’t want to talk. I thought of the groceries you bought me when Mom was too drunk to remember or when there wasn’t enough money, even though I never asked and always said I didn’t need your charity. And you fucking saved my life, over and over again, like that’s a normal thing to do. You jumped in front of a demodog for me when you hadn’t even known me for a day. You didn’t even know my name.”

There was a lump building in Max’s throat, tightening so much that it hurt to talk. But she had to. It had been so hard to start and now the words were just spilling out.

“We always used to call you Mom, and we were teasing. Making fun of you cause you were some popular basketball guy but you also heckled us about our manners and picked us up from school and shit. And you acted all offended, but I saw you smiling a few times. You liked it,” she told the headstone accusingly. “You liked being our mom.”

The headstone didn’t say anything, but Max knew that if Steve were here he would be denying it, committed to the bit that he wasn’t their parent, just a reluctant babysitter. 

Max cleared her throat. “And I was thinking… God, you were just a fucking kid. Like, I’m thirty-one and I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing. And you were nineteen, with seven kids and a monster dimension under your feet and you were still a good mom. So like, I guess I didn’t just have shitty parental figures in my life.”

Max glared at the headstone, as if daring it to judge her for being emotionally vulnerable. Not that Steve would have done that, even if he hadn’t been a bunch of bones in a coffin buried under the grass she was sitting on. 

Steve would have probably been proud. 

“So I’m gonna do all that shit,” Max said. “Drive the kid around and kiss her boo-boos and buy her milkshakes when she’s feeling bad. All the things that you did. And I guess maybe that means I can be a mom.”

She blinked and a tear rolled down her cheek. She wanted to swipe it away, but she didn’t. Steve deserved to be cried over. 

They’d all moved away from Hawkins. Max only saw the town these days in her nightmares. But Steve’s grave was still here and sometimes it felt like they’d abandoned him. Even if there wasn’t a him left to abandon. Even if he would’ve wanted them to go, to escape this helltown and chase better lives elsewhere. 

He’d been gone sixteen years. More than half her life. 

It hurt to miss him still. 

“I wish you were here,” Max whispered. “I wish I could talk to you for real. I wish you could tell me I’m not crazy for thinking Lucas and I can do this.”

Max let herself fall apart a little bit, crying over the future that would never happen. Steve would never come watch the baby so she and Lucas could go on a date night or finally get some sleep. He would never get to be the fun uncle, or the one her kid ran to when they were pissed at her and Lucas for some teenage drama. To her, he would never be anything more than a memory. To her child, he would never be anything more than a story about a long-dead stranger. 

Max leaned forwards so she could touch the headstone, running her fingers over the letters that spelled out Steve’s name. 

“You would’ve made a great Uncle Steve,” she whispered. 

She bowed her head against the gravestone for a moment, resting her forehead against the cool rock. 

Then she stood, wiping the tears off her cheeks and the grass stains off her jeans. She extended her cane and made her way out of the cemetery, pausing by the gates to turn her cell phone back on. 

It kept dinging with missed calls, but Max ignored that, dialing a number by heart. 

“Max?” Lucas’s voice was warm and concerned and so full of love that she almost started crying again. 

“Lucas,” Max said. “I’m in Hawkins. I, uh, I had to talk to Steve.”

Lucas was quiet for a moment. Then he said, “Are you okay?”

Max nodded. “Yeah. I’m okay. I’m coming home.”

[crepuscular-coyote]

Hi there !!! I'm currently researching a paper on xenogenders, alterhumans, and queer online culture, and I wanted to reach out to a few people in the community to ask about their experiences. If you're up for it, I would love to hear about your therian identity and journey. Specifically in the context of, or as opposed to your queer identity. /pos /gen ^^

Hello!

I have a post here and here about the intersection of gender and alterhumanity for me. They're not really detailed, though, so I'll give some of my lore under the cut.

I am someone who has never really understood why certain traits were prescribed to one gender over the other. I was a tomboy growing up, the stereotypical one who rejected all things feminine because they were associated with girls, and I never saw myself as one.

I was me, and that was that.

I started realizing that I wasn't a girl when puberty hit. Up until then I was some genderless blob, and it never truly occurred to me that I had "girl parts" for lack of a better phrase. Around 10 or 11 was when I first started feeling dysphoria. I didn't have a word for it until I was 13.

But I wasn't trans in the way that my brother was. No, being a "man" like he was didn't sit right with me. I didn't want to be a man. I wanted to be masculine.

I didn't know what therians were until I started watching cringe compilations about them. As I watched, something within me said "hey that's you". But I thought it was stupid, so I lurked in the community to silently make fun of them.

Then I awoke as a therian.

I never felt human. There was always some disconnect (thanks, autism) and in reading those posts, it all fell into place.

I was a canine.

I've been connected to dogs for a long time. They were my first special interest, they were the animal I knew the most about, and I picked up a lot of traits from my own dog as a kid (called "imprinting", I believe.)

I wasn't domestic, though. Maybe some part of me looked down on pets. Maybe some part of me felt like being a dog was a weakness. As someone who was always weak, being a wild dog made me feel strong for once.

It wasn't until I had a dream of a coyote that I realized that I was one. It felt right, and I was comfortable with it.

I didn't start this blog until last year, when I began to show some psychotic symptoms. It was with encouragement from my therapist that I shared my poetry and thoughts with others to hopefully alleviate my inner turmoil and find a sense of community.

So here I am.

My jaguar and marsh deer theriotypes don't really impact my gender, although they are both male. They are smaller parts of a whole.

But the coyote-wolf-dog whatever I am (eastern coyote is actually made up of all three) is my gender. It is me, it is masculine, but it is not man. It is male like an animal because I am an animal, yet it is different from the human concept of "male".

It is animalistic.

It is mine.

Thank you for reading all of this and I apologize for being so long-winded. Should you have any further questions, you can always send another ask or a DM.

Good luck with your research!

[stayteezdreams]

Halloween Requests - CLOSED

Status: CLOSED *as of Sept 29th

SO,

Over on my other blog, I have done what I dubbed '13 Days of Halloween' over the last few years, in which I release at least one piece of content (drabble/fic/headcanons/etc) every day from October 19th to October 31st.

And though this is not a promise, I am going to try and do it on this blog this year!~

I am opening requests for this now so I have time to write them along with my normal content.

Though I can come up with some ideas on my own I would appreciate some requests as well! (Up to this point, I have received very few requests in general, so I am hoping this might lead to more requests???) If I get a lot of requests I wont be able to write each one, but I like having a lot of options!

Who I write For:

Ateez

Stray Kids

Seventeen *all members of each group (x gn!reader)

Things I do not write:

Detailed NSFW/Smut (suggestive content is fine)

Pregnancy/child Content

Abuse/Member cheating

Prompts under the cut!

A/n: You can send in the number of the prompt(s) instead of the prompt itself if you want, but please specify which section it is from (i.e dialogue, scenario or sensory)

Feel free to send in your own ideas with or without prompts as well! These are just some ideas for inspiration :)

Prompts/Scenarios (1-3 per request; feel free to mix and match) *Again: feel free to send in your own ideas with or without prompts as well! These are just some ideas for inspiration :)

~~~ Dialogue Prompts ~~~

“I’m telling you, I’m haunted.”

“I don’t think I’m alone in here.”

“This place creeps me out.”

“I thought I saw something.”

“Don’t you dare leave me in here alone.”

“You’re not scared of me?” “Should I be?”

"I don't believe in ghosts." "You will after tonight."

"Did you match with my costume on purpose?"

"If you get scared you can hold onto me." "Oh you'd love that wouldn't you?" "Very much."

"If you say we should split up I will kill you."

“Love the costume but I’d rather see what’s under it.”

"You look so cute!" "I'm trying to be scary." "I don't think that's possible."

"Boo!" "If you wanted to scare me, you should have left the mask off."

"Aren't you a bit old to be trick or treating?"

"Just because I'm not afraid of the dark, doesn't mean I like being in it"

"What do we do?" "Run!"

"Wear a matching costume with me!" "Why? Only couples are wearing matching costumes." "I know..."

“Trick or treat?” “…Depends on if you’re the treat or not.”

Person A, seeing person B dressed as a ghost: “So… Are you dressed up as my boo?” Person B: “Don’t ever talk to me again.”

"You look good." "I'm covered in fake blood...?" "Yeah, and?"

"Did you see that too?" "Yes." "Damn, I was hoping I was going crazy."

 “What do you do when a ghost has a crush on you? Asking for a friend.”

“I wonder, how many people are dead in that graveyard?” “Hopefully all of them…”

"Who needs a guardian angel when you can have a half-decent demon?"

"If I knew all it would take for you to hug me was a haunted house I would have brought you to one earlier."

"Why is there mistletoe in the doorway?" "You told me to decorate." "Its Halloween!"

"Too old to trick or treat and too young to die." "What the fuck."

"I've seen enough horror movies to know where this is going"

"Wasn't that scarecrow facing the other way before?"

"I thought you didn't like Halloween?" "You changed my mind."

~~~ Scenario Prompts ~~~

Going to a haunted house

Getting lost in a corn maze

Carving Pumpkins

Meeting at a masquerade

Wearing the same costume to a costume party

Cozy autumn evening watching Halloween movies

Scary Stories at a campfire

Lost in the woods

A grabs B’s hand instinctively out of surprise or fear, and continues to hold it.

Finding out the "monster" costume they are wearing isn't a costume (monster/demon/supernatural au)

Visiting a pumpkin patch

Catch the killer Halloween party game

Every Halloween you are visited by a stranger in your dreams, but this year, he shows up at your door in the real world. (supernatural au)

Hot Chocolate Date (bonus: they wipe whipped cream off of your nose)

Accidentally summoning a demon when decorating for Halloween (demon au)

Buying an old antique and accidentally bringing a ghost home with you because of it.

You meet Death himself, and he seems to have a crush on you. (supernatural au)

Someone summoned a demon to take your soul, but the demon likes you too much to hurt you.

Choosing each other's costumes, and unknowingly matching.

Trying to paint their face but they wont stop trying to kiss you.

You're scared and they try their best to comfort you.

Getting lost in a haunted house and running into a stranger who is also lost.

Pumpkin Carving Contest

Hearing a noise upstairs, but you live alone.

Ghost Hunting

You're in a hotel with doubles beds, you keep hearing scary noises and end up in the same bed.

~~~ Sensory Prompts ~~~

Flinch of the body when something scares you

Tingles as goosebumps rise on your arms

Feeling of someone watching you

The sound of footsteps behind you

Your name being whispered in the dark

The creaking of an old door

Distant scream

Shadows in the corner

Something unseen moving in the bushes

Frozen in fear

Wanting to call out but your voice wont come

Warming up next to a fireplace after being out in the cold

Warmth that fills your gut when drinking a hot beverage

Embers floating into the night sky before disappearing

Lightning bugs in a dark field

The crackling and popping of an open fire 

Sound of wind in the trees.

Feeling like someone is behind you, and turning to see that no one is there.

Thinking you are looking at your own shadow, until it moves.

Realization that you are being followed.

Being trapped somewhere all alone.

--

*prompts crossed out are ones I have received multiple of and no longer want **most prompts are from my other writing blog, from lists I made myself. Some also from posts by @dumplingsjinson and @creativepromptsforwriting

A/n: Depending on the prompt I might save it for later (for after Halloween)

[helenofsimblr]

Lyra: Cedric um,... you're not the father of my baby.

Cedric: Oh don’t be silly. I must be! After all the fucking we did it stands to reason we might have hit the jackpot eventually!

Lyra: No Cedric… regardless of…. that… Bob is the father. So… you can rest easy, you have nothing to fear. No responsibility to me or the kid. Big relief right?

Cedric: Well should I not be the father then in some ways perhaps, but in another it's rather a disappointment. 

Lyra: Cedric, you are not the father. If that’s disappointing, then, sorry, I can’t help that. If it's a relief, then I’m glad I can put your mind at ease. 

Cedric: Even so, I think we need to do a test to make sure. 

****

Dream laughs audibly: The very gall of this little insignificant spineless worm to dare question her knowledge of her own body and whom she had relations with. It was enough to make me want to correct him… Maybe tonight, I could? Or better yet… I could visit with her and remind her of all the horrible little secrets that this weak, limp slimy creep actually knew and could relay to anyone… perhaps  even to her now adoptive daughter or her miraculous returned-from-the-dead husband or anyone else in Lyra’s now perfectly white-fenced life.

Lyra: That’s not going to happen Cedric.

Cedric: But Lyra, we were fucking so long and so often, usually off our faces! So there must be a chance! Look, just do the test and find out and then we can move on.

Lyra: Cedric I don’t need to do a test, Those tests are for women who are screwing multiple men at the same time and get pregnant. I had a period after you and I finished and then I got pregnant when Bob… was located.

Cedric: Some women do have periods even when pregnant. I read that.

Lyra: I don’t.

****

Cedric: How can you be certain? You’re not as young as you were honey.

Lyra: You! …Look, I’ve had periods from when I was 13 years old, if I don’t know how they work now I never will. When I was pregnant with the twins and Guy, I stopped having periods. So just… believe me when I say, this baby and I are nothing to do with you.

Cedric: I wish I could… But under the Parental Act, I am entitled to request a test, and I certainly have proof we were an item to get it. 

Lyra: Cedric�� just… Please drop this subject. I am not prepared to let some doctor stick a needle into my belly to find this out for you. 

Cedric: Then when it’s born.

Lyra: But if Bob finds out about our affair… Please, I’m begging you Cedric, please believe me and let this go.

[purplekoop]

I feel like I should have Agent headcanons if I have Splatoon OCs. so uh. yeah first pass of ideas let's go:

Captain 3: Any/all but leans they/them. Incredibly tired to the point where almost everyone says they look like a corpse at least once. Extremely burnt out after their agent days both mentally and physically so doesn't do much nowadays. Missed out on normal late teen/early adult years. Stays with the Cuttlefish family, who are more than willing to help them out after all they've done. Somewhat tall in a gangly way. Nonverbal and most people always misinterpret the looks they give as death stares.

4: He/him. Goober who tries not to think too hard. Has the default Splat2 girl haircut. Still helped with agent business after the Splatoon 2 campaign but never really did anything useful and so kind of just enjoyed the rest of their teen years peacefully. Big turf wars guy but passionately detests ranked battles. Not good at turf wars but still has fun along the way. Most talkative of the agents by a LOT. Very bad at keeping the agent stuff a secret but nobody believes him when he mentions it. Still really close to Callie and Marie even after not seeing them for a while. Somehow hangs out with 8 regularly and none of the rest of the squidbeak splatoon knows how they met. Still the shortest out of the entire splatoon, sometimes gets confused for a teenager but doesn't take offense to it. Probably will be less traumatized after Side Order than you'd think.

8: She/her. Settled into Inkopolis civilian life after reaching the surface and didn't really look back on the agent stuff. Acted as sort of an online celebrity to other octolings during the first big integration into inkling society. Naturally quiet but more talkative than Cap. Marginally above average height. Has put on some healthy weight since settling down. Not ready for Side Order.

Neo 3: She/They/It. Inkling. Splatlands survivalist that somehow happened to get roped in to the agent stuff on a supply trip to Splatsville. They thought it was a paid gig sort of thing and didn't get to ask Cuttlefish about it before falling into Alterna, and complained under their breath the whole way up to the end of that campaign. The most fit of the agents by a significant margin, and roughly as tall as Captain 3, though appears to stand taller due to slouching less. Kind of a sarcastic ass to pretty much everyone at first. Still doesn't like Deep Cut but it's for petty reasons they won't elaborate on. Tolerates the rest of the squidbeak splatoon. more or less. Considers Little Buddy an adopted younger sibling. Gets along with salmonids better than inklings and octolings, and can even speak their language. Wasn't allowed within 500 feet of any GrizzCo operations before the campaign for reasons officially cited by the company as "property damage, among other transgressions too numerous and specific to detail". Banned from the battle lobby tower for two years on account of violently whacking a 13 year old on the head with a tri-stringer. The kid was on her team.

Anyways I uh. wrote this out at like 4 AM and I'm just now posting it so people actually see it. Might draw these soon and connect at least one of them to the other characters. maaaaaaaaybe.

[papaver-decervicatus]

Headcanons- Enzo Reyes

Hello everyone! I am still swamped with college work but I wanted to post something so here's a little HC page I have had brewing for a while. Expect Rudy and Nova's soon! Also, I have discovered I absolutely love Reyes, and it's a shame he gets so forgotten about. God, I love a strong nose on a person, fan-freaking-tastic. Cura Ut Veleas! ~ Ceadis

Born November 13th, 1987, in Regina, Canada.

His parents were never married and had a contentious co-parenting relationship throughout his life

He moved with his mother to Alberta when he was 7, so he mostly saw his father over breaks and such

He is ¼ Tsuut'ina on his father's side (his father is half Tsuut'ina and half Spanish,) the two bonded over trapping and hunting. When he’s home, he will stay with his cousins on the reserve to go hunting with them.

Complex relationship with eating meat: believes you should only hunt/kill an animal ethically and for sustenance. Morally opposed to food waste. 

Can skin a deer in record time and not waste any meat/material from it. 

Complicated relationship with Catholicism, but both his mother and father are, at least partially, Roman Catholic.

Both of his parents married others, he has a year older step-sister on his father's side and two younger half-brothers (3 years younger and 5 years younger) on his mother's side. 

At age 13 he got into a massive fight with his mother over something silly (he forgot to turn in a take-home math quiz,) so he hitchhiked his way to his father over the course of 5 days. This is when he picked up his forgery skills from a truck driver he got a ride with. 

He accidentally evaded the police who were searching for him until he showed up at his father's house unharmed. 

Extremely proficient in hunting tracking and forgery. 

More than anything the police were just impressed he evaded them so well once he was delivered home safely. Was recommended to join the military by one of the deputies that brought him home. 

His first language was French (his mother speaks mostly French), second was Spanish (under his father.) Didn’t speak any English until he was 6 or so. Barely speaks French anymore unless with his mom. Is still fluent in Spanish. Also knows minimal Tsuut’ina to communicate while staying with his family that only speaks it. 

Terrible alcohol tolerance, 2 drinks and he’s wasted. 

Incredibly emotionally drunk. 

Chuy once convinced him to watch a nature documentary while drunk. He cried for thirty minutes when a baby seal got eaten by an orca. 

The least braggadocious guy ever, will never volunteer his skills or talk about them. 

That being said, he never backs down from a challenge. Just humbly accepts it and usually wins. 

The only person who can hunt/track a target better than Price.

Price fucking hates it.

Best friends with Chuy. Package deal. 

Enzo is incredibly shy but extroverted, he loves to talk to others and be involved in the action but it’s hard for him to initiate. 

Chuy is confident and introverted and acts as a good barrier for Enzo to feel more comfortable when talking with others. 

They bonded over a love for the outdoors/hunting, Reyes helped Chuy when his rifle broke down one mission and they’ve been besties since.

Has a tendency to talk back, but not out of a challenge to authority, more out of curiosity. 

The “Excuse me teacher, but isn’t it…” kid all grown up and never kicked the habit. 

The biggest nerd ever. Warhammer 40k, DND, wildlife fun facts, doesn’t matter. 

Trivia legend, he’s read a book on just about everything. 

Had to be banned from trivia night because he always wins. 

He always has a pack of waterproof playing cards on him, his favorite is a set he got from the Alberta Airport that have wildlife fun facts on every card.

Did you know that Caribou have 4 chambered stomachs and can swim up to 6 miles an hour?

Reyes did.

Reyes told you.

About 4 times.

This past month alone.

But who's keeping count, really?

Reads over a hundred books a year, easily.

Mostly nonfiction focusing on history, he will write out notes to better remember what he’s read.

Is not opposed to fiction books, but does not typically seek them out. 

Is in a makeshift book club with Gromsko and Nova

It is a poorly kept secret that he will do weapon mods/maintenance in exchange for books, the issue is finding a book he hasn't read yet.

Is on a first-name basis with his hometown's librarians.

Has been working on and off on a Ph.D. in history through an online/long-distance program.

It is about the purposeful destruction of the Canadian governmental records relating to First Nations regiments in the army during the 19th century. The process has been incredibly slow because he works on it remotely and, as stated, many of the records either do not exist or were intentionally destroyed.

Teddy Bear. Gives great hugs, sweetheart of a man, loves to cook for others, and always volunteers to help people. Just generally a great dude. 

This does not extend to his job. 

He doesn’t have a weak stomach when it comes to his work. 

He is ruthless, he is calculated, he is damn good at what he does. 

He gets along well with his comrades, sure, but he’s not letting himself get killed in the field for something stupid. 

Incredibly capable. Do not mistake his affability for weakness.

[rennorthernlights]

My Thoughts on Palestine.

I am 22 years old. Born in Texas to a Christian family. I was raised in a church that is a god-fearing, hellfire, and damnation type of church. Growing up I was put in my church’s school and they taught me everything about the Bible. But I didn’t always listen in fact I would question everything since I had a curious mind. Sometimes they answered my questions and sometimes they didn’t. I was active in the church and tried to listen to sermons. I wanted to be a good Christian girl and listen.

There is one sermon that I remember. It was during the 9/11 memorial that my church had and my Pastor was speaking about 9/11 and then it turned to speaking about Muslims. I remember I was drawing, I know “good Christian girl”. I got a lil bored but I remember this. I was 6 years old, my pastor on the pulpit saying “The only way to save a Muslim is to give them a Bible or shoot them in the head.” I remember the other men in the church yelling “Amen! Amen!” I didn’t know what that meant until I got older.

I was raised with a strong hatred for Muslims. All Muslims. Any Muslims. “Remember 9/11, remember what they did.” Is what my father said like as if they personally attacked my family even though we lived in a suburban area in Houston, Texas. I hated anything to do with Muslims and the Muslim religion. When I was old enough to understand what was happening in Afghanistan, I was about 14 years old, I remember a student alongside me said “We should just blow up all the Muslims there.” And I thought “but what about the kids?” I didn’t say anything I just nodded my head and agreed with the student.

I got Instagram against my parents wishes. Scrolling through countless videos and then I saw some Muslims on there. Men, woman, and children. Just like me only different in religion. I still hated them but I wanted to learn about them. I still hated them but I wanted to understand them. I still hated them… I still hated them because I was taught to hate them. That little seed of “Why do I hate them?” Was growing.

Eventually I left that church when I was 16 years old which lead to me no longer be a Christian. Mind you not because I couldn’t stand what they believed about Muslims or because of the hypocrisy of my church. No I was no longer a Christian because I was bitter about my family divorcing.

Being on my own without the church breathing down my neck and telling me what I should or should not believe left me confused. So I started going on Instagram more and more and you know what got me to start thinking without the lenses of the church? Abortion and a woman’s right to choose. Argued a lot with my family until eventually my siblings started siding with me. It took a VERY long time for me to make my own choice, to make my own decisions of what I should believe. And that’s what has lead me to this point about Palestine.

Growing up in that church my Principal/Teacher/Pastor’s wife, yes she was all three, would talk about Israel. Talked about it so much that it came almost synonymous with America. I never once heard her or anyone talk about Palestine. In fact the only memory I have of Palestine is a video I saw on Instagram when I was about 17 years old. That little boy, maybe 13 or 15 years old also looked like his birthday, said on the mic “I give my life to Palestine.” And I thought “Palestine? What’s that?” I didn’t know what or who they were talking about so it went into the back of my mind. Never thought about it again.

Until October 7th, 2023, I was up late watching tiktok and I saw this picture with the Skyfall song by Adele playing. It showed a picture of the Iron Dome intercepting a missile. So immediately I go “Israel is under attack!” And I’ll be honest I didn’t care. Just another thing that didn’t matter in my life because I’m in Texas. A million miles away from the comfort of my home and warm bed, I could easily just swipe away or turn off. Until I saw the videos of Palestinian men, woman, and children.

I watched those videos and in my head I’m going “But they started it?” Because that’s what I was taught. “They’re Muslims trying to exterminate the Jews.” My thoughts echoing the words of my pastor, my teacher, my church, my dad. I’ll admit that a part of me was cheering for the Israel people, that I was condoning what was happening. I thought that Hamas was this powerful group and that Israel was weak because that’s what I was taught. Israel is this little country and defenseless, that’s what I was taught all my life. To pray for Israel’s peace and safety, that’s what I always did. It what I was taught to do.

The videos I saw though proved otherwise. Israel isn’t weak, Israel isn’t defenseless, Israel isn’t poor, Israel is… Israel is bombing civilians. Israel is bombing churches. Israel is bombing places that are supposed to be safe.

It’s like the wool was forcibly taken from my eyes. Like a person gripping my hair and making me look. At first I didn’t want to see. I was content in what I was taught. I was safe with not knowing. But I couldn’t do that anymore. I couldn’t just look and forget. I couldn’t. My turning point was my little brother, 13 years old and mind you hasn’t been raised in the church like I was. His worldview is his own because he was allowed to make his own views without the influence of the church. We were talking about it and this 13 year old kid starts talking about Palestine. And at first I was against it, at first I argued with him but he wasn’t backing down. And I thought “He’s caring about this so much. Why?”

So I read as much as I could on Palestine. I’ve been reading articles and watching videos. I’ve been trying to understand. It was hard, the hatred I had for Muslims and the love I had for Israel made it hard. I second guessed everything and tried to find the moment where I could go “Ah ha! See the Muslims and Palestine is lying!” But I couldn’t. I couldn’t find it.

My tiktok fyp was showing me videos of the men, woman, and children left and right. Again it was like the hand was gripping my hair and making me look. In time I didn’t fight it anymore. I stayed and I looked. Video after video, reel after reel, I watched. A silent witness until I couldn’t be silent anymore. I follow tiktok and Instagram accounts to keep up to date. I’m trying to cram as much knowledge in my head so I can speak out about this to my friends that I was raised with. To argue with my dad about this because he’s only parroting what his pastor is saying.

2 weeks I’ve been learning. 2 weeks I’ve been doing the bare minimum of educating myself on this.

Did you know that I thought Israel’s state was there for at least 200 years? Did you know that I had no idea about the open air prison of Gaza until 2 weeks ago? Did you know that I have been loyal to a state that didn’t even know my name only because I was raised to be loyal to them?

I’m ashamed. I’m ashamed of myself. I’m ashamed that I, who prides herself on learning history and facts did not know about Palestine. I’m ashamed that when I saw that video when I was 17 years old that I did not look into what Palestine is. I’m ashamed of my church. I’m ashamed of the state that I was so loyal to even though they wouldn’t even care about me. I’m ashamed that all I can do is speak and post.

But more than anything, I bare witness. I bare witness to the men, woman, and children that are suffering. I am their witness. I will speak out. I will post. I will comment. I will share. Because that is the very least that I can do.

To the Palestinians, I am so sorry that I hated you without even knowing you. That I saw you as Muslim and hated you because of it. I’m so sorry.

To the Muslims, I am so sorry that I hated you and your religion. I hated you without even thinking why? Without stopping and thinking why do I hate you when you’ve done nothing to me? I’m so sorry. I can never not be sorry.

I can never be sorry enough. I’m no saint. I’m no good person. But I will try to be good. I will try and do better. I will educate myself and help when I am able to. I will speak out. I will be another voice. Another shoulder to lean on. I’m sorry and I will do my part to help.

[aliensmoothie]

I WPULD. LOVW TO KNOW SO MUCHABOUT BALONEY . i think the fact that he's in the bg3 universe is amusing to me . i hope hes been getting up to shenanigans . i love that he outdrank some guy

HE HAS IN FACT BEEN UP TO TONS OF SHENANIGANS . him and ast*rion are on slightly less thin ice than usual which maybe doesnt bode well for baloney's moral compass atm but he is pleased to be getting more info abt the man at any rate . he gave shadowheart a flower and it reminded me of the flower scene from tftb and i cried a little . i dont think baloney has romantic feelings toward shadowheart . but it was cute nonetheless HER LITTLE ' HA JUST KIDDING ' AFTER SAYING IT WAS POISONOUS WAS SO CUTE . i was pretty neutral on beloved shart at first but now i belove her alot . he has still not stopped travelling with wyll they are besties forever to me . baloney is like wyll's pet decrepit old man who has mostly good intentions and is only sometimes overly violent .ALSO FUN FACT HE HAS OUTDRANK PEOPLE BEFORE HE DID IT IN A DND CAMPAIGN I PUT HIM IN . he ALMOST outdrank the whole party . but the ( i think ) warlock just barely beat him .

also . coughs . let me go dig up the summary i wrote about his backstory . grins completely insane .

ok . smiles . SO . Bloney is from a town called bone-dry ( which also has it's own whole lore google doc but thats another story ) which in short is a small town surrounded by it's own graveyard in the middle of a salt desert . he is the middle child of . like 13 ? i dont have the number written down anywhere but i think that is right . anyways he's somewhere in the middle . he has always been just a very strange child . standoffish and always smiling at inappropriate times and not very good at talking with people , and spends most of his time reading whatever reading material passes through the town through trade , and then cataloguing all of it . HE ALSO catalogues any stories he can get out of the travelers who pass through ., and anything the people in town tell him . that said . he is standoffish and people in town are just kind of made Uncomfortable by him . so this effort does not ever bear much fruit for him . can youtell i am projecting my autism experiences onto him BAD . one day when he is a fairly young adult , his eldest brother dies under somewhat mysterious circumstances . on that same day , baloney finds himself lost out in the desert , and almost dies too . all he remembers is wandering , trying to find his way back home for hours and hours , and as the sun beats down at him he collapses and goes unconcious . he wakes up to a raven pecking at his head , and when he wakes up it starts to fly away , but stops and lands a few feet away and looks back at him . and when he follows it , it leads him back to town . from then on , he does not remember how he ended up wandering through the desert , and he does not remember that his eldest brother is dead . they never find his body , and with nothing to bury they just erect a gravestone in their vast graveyard with nothing underneath it . this whole experience combined with baloney's newfound memory issues give him a . warped view of death . where he never fully believes someone is dead , just missing , sick , or is generally in some kind of denial about it . ( BG3 BALONEY I THINK THIS GOES ANOTHER WAY WHERE HE BECOMES SORT OF OBSESSED WITH DEATH . though i dont know much about the durge stuff yet SO we'll see . we are talking about canon baloney for the most part here anyways though . if the durge stuff doesnt spell completely otherwise there should be some overlap still smile ) ALSO since that day , a small number of ravens have been appearing in town , which tend to folow baloney . or maybe the other way around . at any rate , baloney find that the ravens are most interested when he tells them tales of the dead ( or in his mind the sick or the missing ), which starts when he talks to them about his eldest brother . over the years he spends nearly all his time combing through the town's graveyard , and telling whatever stories he knows at the dead . he gets *really good* at piecing together stories of these people's lives from what limited information he can get from the rest of town . and without him knowing , the raven following him and listening to his stories were a weak manifestation of the raven queen , who was over time building him up to be her cleric . after many years he notices the ravens have started flying away from the town and not returning . at this point he is familiar enough with the ravens that their message is clear : he needs to leave town and seek out more knowledge of the dead . his one wish being to figure out how to heal these " sick " people , to talk to them and find their stories from the source . all of that building up to him being a death domain cleric LARGELY FOCUSED on necromancy . smile . also i have been playing with the idea that he is the one who killed his oldest brother . my only roadblock being that im not sure Why he would have done it . alas . it is a neat concept !

[cosmic-day]

The Star Beast: have seen it and didn’t love it. Thoughts, spoilers and negativity under the cut :

To start with the good: having positive trans representation in a mainstream show like Doctor Who is hugely important in the current climate and the episode was in many ways worth it just for that. Am I getting some innocent amusement from imagining the reactions of NMDs who (somehow) imagined RTD would save them from the show being ‘woke’? Why, yes I am.

The Meep was  a lot of fun, the new TARDIS interior is gorgeous, Shirley Bingham was great and I hope to see more of her.

Despite my issues with Ten, it was fun to see Tennant again. Still not sold on the Fourteenth Doctor as a concept, but give David Tennant credit for playing him just differently enough that I could believe he came after 11/12/13, annoying catchphrases notwithstanding.

However:

I don’t know what the fuck any of this had to do with celebrating sixty years of Doctor Who.

A lot of the charm of this episode for most people will be having Donna back, but as I am the one person in this fandom who is not a Donna fan, that just left the plot and I think the most generous word I can think of is “flimsy”.

Five minutes in and we get the “Rose” fakeout. RTD please shut up about Rose challenge. Also it turns out that Rose named herself Rose because she inherited the Doctor’s memories, oh fuck off. If that’s the reason, it should have been Susan.

Rose being trans/non binary because the Doctor is non binary is a weird way of saying that being trans is a normal part of the human experience.

The whole handwavium around Donna getting her memories back. Look first of all, I’m glad she did, because that ending never sat right with me, but the main reason it didn’t sit right was because of the horrible consent issues around the Doctor removing Donna’s memories against her will, and that is not even addressed.

Also, the execution of it just felt cheap to me. It’s such an RTD move to hype something up and then handwave it away – I mean, does anyone else remember that she already got her memories back in The End of Time and all that happened is she had a nice nap – and so the more they built up the whole “she will die” the more annoyed I got, and sure enough, hey look, she’s just fine!

Now, I could kind of accept that the metacrisis energy had passed to Rose. But the next scene was so cringeworthy and not in a good way. The weirdness of the whole “we let it go” because we are wise, compassionate, lovely women unlike you male presenting time lords was extremely WTF. I don’t know if RTD thought he was attempting feminism with this but it just came across as patronizing. Also, ironically, that kind of gender essentialist “women lovely, men horrible” shit is RadFem 101.

And finally – if you’ve been keeping up with the rumour mill, you will know why I laughed in despair when Donna spilt her coffee on the TARDIS console. There is a leak in the wild which so far has proved almost completely accurate, down to predicting the spilt coffee kick-starting the events of  Wild Blue Yonder,  and if it’s also right about how The Giggle ends, then all I can say is -  buckle up,  kids. Shit’s about to go down.

[nani-nonny]

LET'S CONTINUE!!

" Leonardo awakens to the feeling of his legs being held down " my mind went " you're under arrest b***h xD by the kids

When i saw blue's hand on leo i thought 'can he share energy while blue's sleeping?' Like can it happen unconsciously?

When CJ was laying on like starfish i remembered Patrick star XD

I laughed at the hospital bed surviving! Give it an award!! XD

The way f!leo tried to get out was like a puzzle mobile game!

While leo eating chips - thank god it's not Doritos - and thinking about life finally the golden moment came where purple announce " Drax is arrested " XD

I just LAUGHED when purple announced once again of drax's arrest, how long did drax was a run away from HC?!

But it was actually three minutes and 47 seconds.” damn they took his minute and 13 second?! Damn cruelty

When purple say he doesn't feel like going i was like; bro you couldn't even pour milk on yo cereal how come you can help?!?!/j

If splinter got mad it's gonna take more sushi to butter the old man UP! And the way he spoke about how he can get the old male wife goat out was really... Not relaxing i must say

When leo said " leo won't help him out willingly " i thought; COME ON blue! You can't be STILL upset about the rooftop incident?!?

And when purple said blue would listen to leo i immediately thought of " OOOH~ FATHER SON VIBES!!! "

“Yeah, you’re really cool. You’re like the perfect d—,” OOOHHHHH FATHER ALERTS! FATHER ALERTS!! I COMPLETELY RELATE TO PURPLE IN THIS MOMENT!!! AND THE WAY HE JUST CHANGED IT TO DOG!!! XYOOXXOOXY!! AHAHAHA (I really wonder if F!Leo figured out what purple really meant)

When the blues were in jail and heard the guard talking i was giggling at how blue's gonna shove all of this in draxam's face!

Tho blue's right; this's not a prison! This's the whole circus

Remember when i said that splinter will be pissed off? He may forgive if the blues kept the muzzle on xD

Ohhh 30$ dollar bet that drax will throw leo later from ANOTHER rooftop

I’m more of an ‘old and tired and just want to sleep and retire my sword’ side of the human versus yokai race.” golden comment

" pulls a small pouch out of his mouth " Eeww

“I should have altered your DNA so you didn’t have a tongue to speak with.” AHAHAHAHA

When Drax talked about big mama - i kinda foreshadowed that she have it - and how her 'could' probably told on him... I hated her even more (SORRY DMD)

When leo ratted out blue and how red looked at him i immediate believed that red will expose him, maybe putting the fact he can hear F!april's voice on news so the whole family can know XDD/j

“Why didn’t she tell us she can do that?” BRO SHE H AVE SOME STRANGER THING TYPE OF POWER XDD

Red asking so much questions and am happy it's red because if it's purple then oh lord... Write your will..

The moment drax asked leo to say hi to future mikey i was HELLA excited!

"'He looks down to see he finally has form " when the game finally upload it Grafic lol

AAAAAHHHH THEY FINALLY FINALLY MET!! LET'S GOOOOOO!!

Lol it’d be entertaining to think that Commander O’Neil possessed his body and performed the energy share thing but no, Blue just passed out after he shared his mystic energy hahahaha!

Purple knows Blue listens to F!Leo because he’d do the same lol (F!Leo is FATHER!!!)

And F!Leo took the dog comment at face value because he’s more confused how he’s a dog lol… Cue F!Leo googling what kind of dog breed he is /j

Draxum’s so gross for putting the pouch in his mouth, but if it means preventing it from getting taken away from him by the police, then by all means choke it down/j

And oof, Purple would have thousands of questions that I would’ve dreaded writing it all down, I love the smart guy but my arthritis doesn’t /hj

Now I have to perform tricks and flips trying to smoothly maneuver a conversation with F!Leo and the ghosty bros *sweats nervously for myself*

[mysadhappydays]

TW!: Fat phobia, Body Dismorphia

I have been told my body fits the beauty standard. I have a hard time seeing this and not over analyzing myself in the mirror. I don’t think I’ve ever had an eating disorder, but I definitely think I have come close.

When I was about 12 or 13 years old, my family and I were going on a trip to visit family in Korea. I remember telling my mom that I have to stop eating a week before my trip, so that when I see uncle he would either say nothing about my body or tell me that I lost weight. My uncle, was a physical trainer at the time and had a lot to say to my father (his older brother) about how I need to watch my weight because I couldn’t properly do a sit up 2 years prior. I was 10. I proceeded to arrive in Korea and my grandmother would keep pushing her delicious food on me and I would always take a couple bites out of respect (I don’t know what was more disrespectful eating a couple bites and leaving left over or not eating it at all.). Then one day the children were playing and I was with my aunt in the living room. We heard screaming from one of the kids. She and I both bolted up in urgency and ran towards the commotion. Except I don’t remember what happened after I got up. I passed out and ended up hitting my head on a ledge on the other side of the living room. I woke up to my aunt rushing towards me as I felt a large amount of pressure on the back of my head. Luckily no blood was drawn but I woke up laughing and had a big bump on my head for about two weeks.

And now, 8 years later, I am sitting on my boyfriend’s bed after eating a Panera meal. My first meal of the day (aside from butter on a toasted bagel I had this morning after my 8am class). A bowl serving of creamy tomato soup and two baguettes. I feel full, content, yet guilty. Content is not good to maintain skinny. If I’m not still a little hungry after eating, then I ate too much. I don’t eat three meals a day even though I should. But honestly I’m not hungry enough on a day to day basis to want to eat. My fear of fattening up contributes to this, probably. I don’t exercise either because life has always felt so bleak so the only way to maintain the slim figure is to stay hungry. Maybe I am just lazy. Going about it in a cop out manner. But, I am still unhappy with my body. The way that my body is lacking in muscle and mostly inhabited by lard.

8 years later, I don’t deny the cosmetic surgeries anymore, because now it could come into fruition and I could look the way I always wanted. And it’s almost as if, my mindset has gotten weaker and is crumbling under the weight of society’s standards. As my brain begins to shrink, my thoughts will be ever expanding. 8 years later, I wish I didn’t still feel this way about myself. I wish I felt comfortable in the body I have. These thoughts make me inherently fat phobic, and I feel terrible about it. I believe all bodies are beautiful, in all shapes and sizes and colors. Just not on me. But I could be. I am jealous of people who can maintain such beautiful minds and bodies. My life has been a constant battle between me, myself, and I.

It’s a never ending cycle and it all comes down to me,

I am ashamed of myself.