#i am a monster

[sharvariq]

i knew damn well what i was doing taking this route but this still shattered me

also bryan's performance in this scene is absolutely immaculate

[akai-akai]

soapghost hunger games au where simon is johnny's mentor send post

[onejellyfishplease]

Leo: dang. This mummy cosplay cost an arm and a leg *showing off arm stump*

Donnie: NOT FUNNY NARDO

we all have our coping mechanisms dont we

[escapedaudios]

How much would it take you to kill off a listener?

I did it for free already in 2022.

And again in 2023 (though this is a softer death because Slashers can resurect as ghouls)

I will be killing a Listener again very soon.

[i-am-the-sidekick]

I actually hate myself like why did I watch Silicon Valley, now I’m obsessed with gilfoyle and have dutifully read every jarfoyle and dinfoyle fic on ao3 fucking shit goddamn it

[cursed-blade-gf]

Nimona illuminates the final part of my entire gender crisis and not only what led up to who I am but the truth of who I am and who I know myself to be.

I use she/her, they/them, and any and all pronouns.

I grew up knowing I was different like most trans people. I could never explain it because I never had the words. That inability to understand what any of my confused and festering feelings meant.

I grew up alone. I had family, but they were so invested in turning me into the ideal man that they refused to meet me at my level.

As I entered school, friends didn’t last very long. My longest friendship was 4 months until I entered college. I still don’t talk to anyone from high school because no one cared to invest their time into me. So I stayed lonely.

It had been long past the time I’d discovered it was a gender issue. At 12, I discovered that being a guy at all was distasteful to me. Acting masculine felt like I was pouring acid on my skin while being told to not act feminine was, fittingly, like stifling tears. You know they want to come out and they will eventually and you can’t stop it no matter how hard people tell you not to, but you bottle it anyways because people won’t like you if you cry.

That bottling.

That shoving down all of those trans emotions.

They don’t go away.

And when you also live in Utah, the state of the high and mighty. The self-righteous. And you hear EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. For 21 years. “Being gay is a sin.” “Being trans won’t get you to heaven.” Hearing the scoffs of disapproval at a guy acting feminine. Seeing the bullying. Witnessing the abuse and control your parents carve into you by saying things like “stop acting like that” or “walk it off” or “you do what we tell you because you live in our house.”

They wait. And they bubble.

It’s like a volcano. Pressure builds. For 10 years, it builds. And that volcano does release steam every once in a while. But it sits. And waits. Until it can’t anymore. And then…

People used to think volcanos were monstrous creatures that sat beneath the earth. It’s not true for real volcanos. It’s true for people.

It hit in high school. All of that pent up frustration. All of that anger and rage and sorrow. Just slowly releases for 5 years. And the wild thing is that it just. Kept. Going. I hit 22-23 and I was still ripping my own world to shreds. Friendships, family relationships, a marriage. All torn into tatters.

And it wasn’t just the undiagnosed ADHD. It was a person who kept forcing herself to fit into the boxes and the roles and the expectations of a girl who was trying to fit the mold of a lie. A false ideal. A belief that someone else had shackled her with.

And when she broke those shackles, she saw how people saw her.

As a monstrosity. An abomination. A creature. A demon. A nameless entity that people refused to care about or accept.

That monstrosity tried to kill herself 3 times over that span of 7-ish years, almost adding another tally to Utah’s record of being the state with the most suicides. Because like Nimona said…

"I don't know what's scarier. The fact that everyone in this kingdom wants to run a sword through my heart... or that sometimes, I just wanna let them."

I’m much better now. After my marriage fell apart, I got into therapy. I got my ADHD diagnosis and I’m working towards getting an anxiety diagnosis and maybe a few other things that are screaming inside the cage that is my brain.

I’m still not good at making friends. Between the neurodivergence and the transgender pride that I carry and wear out in the open, not a lot of people want to hitch their cart to a fluidflux creature like me.

I don’t bottle my feelings anymore. I also don’t take shit from the people that continue to view my existence as a threat or treat me like a villain, an abomination, and a curse. Because as we all know, people fear what they don’t understand. And even when what they don’t understand is me, a “monster”, they try to kill me or force me outside the walls or attempt to capture, restrain, and shove me into a box.

I considered letting them win several years ago. Never again.

However, that ideal that Nimona carried sits within my soul.

Maybe I am a monster. Maybe it’s why I hyperfixate on gods and monsters and myths and the darker side of the stories we’re told and the creatures that loom in the shadows.

Because I know how the world sees me. They see a monster.

And maybe that’s not so much of a bad thing. Maybe it’s better to be the thing they fear.

[xylophxn]

The inside of my brain is just the trail to oregon on repeat.

[thetitaniumn1nja]

I have come to the conclusion that I will no longer be mowing the lawn of the monastery. For no reason in particular.

[dyrewrites]

"You have to edit this chapter."

"But I forgot how mean we were so soon after a thing he wasn't even awake for but will be haunted by. Why are we so awful."

"You write so you don't have to answer that question. Now edit the scene. You took out a lot last revision, it's not as graphic now."

"You know damn well the suggestions are always worse."

"There's no winning here then. Edit the thing. It's the last awful thing we do to him...in this book. Barring the emotional thing later."

"No one's going to read this."

"Statistically there must be someone as broken, if not more so, than we are. Maybe they'll like it."

[house-full-of-spiders]

I AM MEANT TO BE EVIL AND CAUSE MASS CHAOS UPON MORTAL REALMS BUT NO. THESE CREATURES HAVE NO SENSE FEAR WHEN SOMETHING IS REMOTELY FLUFFY.

[ghosts-of-love]

just realised in the uni au i'm writing , the Captain will actually look like young ben willbond?? can't believe i'm putting that young man through shit, he looks like such a precious angel

[demonsteapot]

what if i made it so that the bestiary always has one unfillable entry no matter how many entries are in the game just so that the menu can never be satisfying to look at

[writtenbysmek]

been reading the 1831 edition of frankenstein for a class and it’s making me notably worse

the binge listening of the magnus archives is not helping

[sigmastolen]

i saw this again in my own stupid 'prompts' tag and have no one to blame but myself and my desire to procrastinate, so let's talk it out. alw's people would never allow this to happen but if one were actually going to do cats: the musical: the field show you would have to cut it down to a halftime-sized chunk, right. the usual scheme is fast-slow-fast but i think we would want a fast-slow-fast-slow plan so we could include more songs (inevitably with cuts oh well) and finish with 'memory.' so:

0. if there is any opportunity for march-around or get-on-the-field music the mallets and probable synth in the battery could do some overture. if not,

1. start with 'jellicle songs' because it's first and it's a banger. let it begin with most of the field still, band facing away, instrumental solos at a mic on the sideline & colorguard solos scattered around the field to mirror them (i'm picturing one flag at a time popping up and swooping back down). maybe the last chart for this song is the eyes logo or sth

2. 'macavity' next bc it's also a banger, show off your two jazziest trumpets or saxophones, let the colorguard do some shimmying or whatever

3. honestly i'm torn about whether this should be 'skimbleshanks the railway cat' or 'magical mister mistoffelees' -- tbh i'm learning toward 'skimble.' it would be a true ensemble piece, i can imagine a really quite good bandestration with sparkly woodwind section highlights, you can impress the judges with your 3+3+3+2+2, it never lags, frankly it's just more of a bop. you could do a lot of cute shit on the field with the train motif, maybe if the band parents are super handy and industrious you could even get the guard set up with some ludicrous build-a-train props

4. and you close with 'memory,' ballad building into sweeping horns, at some point you do a full moon sort of shape on the field and perhaps a sunrise. i can imagine two possible endings: for a loud version, everyone plants and blasts starting from "touch me," some trumpet jumps the octave or three to scream out the last note of "a new day has begun," we interpolate the last phrase of the ball music and finish with that oscillating second, upward scale, and double stinger in the sousaphones. OR: a quiet ending as 'memory' proper, and instead of fading out "has begun," interpolate the slow 'invitation' theme like misto blowing out the spotlight. some dancer in the colorguard has a slow solo for these last 16 or whatever counts.

0*. alw wrote all kinds of transition music in this show; if necessary, you can throw some of it into the battery so you don't have to smash cut from 'jellicle songs' to 'macavity' or whatever. if there is march-off music then the battery plays more 'skimbleshanks' into 'magical mister mistoffelees,' like the bows. duh.

you're truly not trying to tell the story with this show, we're going for pure spectacle, but i think it would win competitions lmao

[haunted-plush]

"Ken... Ken, stop, you're scaring me!"

"Hey, you know I hate to see you cry. Come on, tell me more about Sanrio. Which one is your favorite again?"

(If you like my style, check out my kyman comic, Bat My Eyes☆)

[lonewriterblues]

So I finished undertale yellow all routes and feel like an epic GAMER