#i am a monster

[girl-that-wants-to-die]

[sharvariq]

i knew damn well what i was doing taking this route but this still shattered me

also bryan's performance in this scene is absolutely immaculate

[akai-akai]

soapghost hunger games au where simon is johnny's mentor send post

[onejellyfishplease]

Leo: dang. This mummy cosplay cost an arm and a leg *showing off arm stump*

Donnie: NOT FUNNY NARDO

we all have our coping mechanisms dont we

[escapedaudios]

How much would it take you to kill off a listener?

I did it for free already in 2022.

And again in 2023 (though this is a softer death because Slashers can resurect as ghouls)

I will be killing a Listener again very soon.

[rfswitchart]

"I have no mouth and I must scream."

[i-am-the-sidekick]

I actually hate myself like why did I watch Silicon Valley, now I’m obsessed with gilfoyle and have dutifully read every jarfoyle and dinfoyle fic on ao3 fucking shit goddamn it

[dyrewrites]

Open document, ready to read and take notes.

"Ooh, what kind of gun is that?"

Get lost in research hole for an hour, end up checking mail for some reason, look at store pages to see if anyone's looking at my store pages, set up halloween sales on itch.io, do a writer's chat on bluesky, stare at tumblr for two hours, take a nap, woken up by sudden realization that I forgot to do something, take shower to try and remember...

"Oh, I'm beta reading!"

Open up document.

"Where does that name come from, that's a neat name..."

Lose another half hour looking up names.

This is why no one should ask me to do anything ever...

[sapphic-scylla]

Nimona illuminates the final part of my entire gender crisis and not only what led up to who I am but the truth of who I am and who I know myself to be.

I use she/her, they/them, and any and all pronouns.

I grew up knowing I was different like most trans people. I could never explain it because I never had the words. That inability to understand what any of my confused and festering feelings meant.

I grew up alone. I had family, but they were so invested in turning me into the ideal man that they refused to meet me at my level.

As I entered school, friends didn’t last very long. My longest friendship was 4 months until I entered college. I still don’t talk to anyone from high school because no one cared to invest their time into me. So I stayed lonely.

It had been long past the time I’d discovered it was a gender issue. At 12, I discovered that being a guy at all was distasteful to me. Acting masculine felt like I was pouring acid on my skin while being told to not act feminine was, fittingly, like stifling tears. You know they want to come out and they will eventually and you can’t stop it no matter how hard people tell you not to, but you bottle it anyways because people won’t like you if you cry.

That bottling.

That shoving down all of those trans emotions.

They don’t go away.

And when you also live in Utah, the state of the high and mighty. The self-righteous. And you hear EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. For 21 years. “Being gay is a sin.” “Being trans won’t get you to heaven.” Hearing the scoffs of disapproval at a guy acting feminine. Seeing the bullying. Witnessing the abuse and control your parents carve into you by saying things like “stop acting like that” or “walk it off” or “you do what we tell you because you live in our house.”

They wait. And they bubble.

It’s like a volcano. Pressure builds. For 10 years, it builds. And that volcano does release steam every once in a while. But it sits. And waits. Until it can’t anymore. And then…

People used to think volcanos were monstrous creatures that sat beneath the earth. It’s not true for real volcanos. It’s true for people.

It hit in high school. All of that pent up frustration. All of that anger and rage and sorrow. Just slowly releases for 5 years. And the wild thing is that it just. Kept. Going. I hit 22-23 and I was still ripping my own world to shreds. Friendships, family relationships, a marriage. All torn into tatters.

And it wasn’t just the undiagnosed ADHD. It was a person who kept forcing herself to fit into the boxes and the roles and the expectations of a girl who was trying to fit the mold of a lie. A false ideal. A belief that someone else had shackled her with.

And when she broke those shackles, she saw how people saw her.

As a monstrosity. An abomination. A creature. A demon. A nameless entity that people refused to care about or accept.

That monstrosity tried to kill herself 3 times over that span of 7-ish years, almost adding another tally to Utah’s record of being the state with the most suicides. Because like Nimona said…

"I don't know what's scarier. The fact that everyone in this kingdom wants to run a sword through my heart... or that sometimes, I just wanna let them."

I’m much better now. After my marriage fell apart, I got into therapy. I got my ADHD diagnosis and I’m working towards getting an anxiety diagnosis and maybe a few other things that are screaming inside the cage that is my brain.

I’m still not good at making friends. Between the neurodivergence and the transgender pride that I carry and wear out in the open, not a lot of people want to hitch their cart to a fluidflux creature like me.

I don’t bottle my feelings anymore. I also don’t take shit from the people that continue to view my existence as a threat or treat me like a villain, an abomination, and a curse. Because as we all know, people fear what they don’t understand. And even when what they don’t understand is me, a “monster”, they try to kill me or force me outside the walls or attempt to capture, restrain, and shove me into a box.

I considered letting them win several years ago. Never again.

However, that ideal that Nimona carried sits within my soul.

Maybe I am a monster. Maybe it’s why I hyperfixate on gods and monsters and myths and the darker side of the stories we’re told and the creatures that loom in the shadows.

Because I know how the world sees me. They see a monster.

And maybe that’s not so much of a bad thing. Maybe it’s better to be the thing they fear.

[xylophxn]

The inside of my brain is just the trail to oregon on repeat.

[girl-that-wants-to-die]

[thetitaniumn1nja]

I have come to the conclusion that I will no longer be mowing the lawn of the monastery. For no reason in particular.

[house-full-of-spiders]

I AM MEANT TO BE EVIL AND CAUSE MASS CHAOS UPON MORTAL REALMS BUT NO. THESE CREATURES HAVE NO SENSE FEAR WHEN SOMETHING IS REMOTELY FLUFFY.

[ghosts-of-love]

just realised in the uni au i'm writing , the Captain will actually look like young ben willbond?? can't believe i'm putting that young man through shit, he looks like such a precious angel

[demonsteapot]

what if i made it so that the bestiary always has one unfillable entry no matter how many entries are in the game just so that the menu can never be satisfying to look at

[writtenbysmek]

been reading the 1831 edition of frankenstein for a class and it’s making me notably worse

the binge listening of the magnus archives is not helping