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avirael · 6 months ago

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Peace of Mind

There was something incredibly soothing about the daily business of the Silver Bazaar.

The same familiar friendly faces, simple mundane tasks he could help with, no unforseeable occurrences disturbing the peace. A’viloh loved this place and it’s people from the bottom of his heart. They had taken him in the way he was, like he had always been one of them, and he knew they would always welcome him back with open arms. And this was exactly what the townsfolk and Kikipu had done when he had appeared not only without announcement but also visibly shaken at that.

A’viloh had pretty much fled Ishgard. Hadn’t even bothered to return to his room at the inn. There was nothing there that belonged to him. The few things he possessed and wasn’t carrying with him still were at the room in Fortemps Manor and he certainly wouldn’t return there ever again. As late as it was he had gone straight to the place where the Haillenartes had accommodated Cid and his team for the time he spent working at the Skysteel Manufactury.

“A’viloh?”, the man had asked with a yawn, visibly torn from his sleep, as he opened the door.

“You have to take me to Ul’dah.”, the Miqo’te had demanded without any word of greeting, much to Cid’s confusion. Of course he had tried to question him but A’viloh hadn’t let him and in the end he had agreed to have Biggs and Wedge fly him to his destination early the next morning.

The few hours it took for the sun to rise he had spent at the chocobo stables. Yugiri had taught him enough so he was able to sneak in there unseen and so he spent the night cuddled close to the soft warm plumage of the black chocobo Haurchefant had gifted him, silently crying about how lost and alone he suddenly felt. The bird had made a low, almost purring, sound and nuzzled his head with her beak until A’viloh wrapped his arms around her long neck and buried his face in her dark feathers.

The airship departed as the sun rose and after wondering for a bit wether or not he should, he decided to take Chloé with him. The chocobo was rightfully his, so the caretaker at the stable did not protest, and yet it somehow felt like theft to A’viloh. But the bird seemed quite attached to him and for the Miqo’te she was a welcome companion now that he traveled alone again. He had left his other chocobo at the stables in Ul’dah on the day of the banquet and there he still was right now, as Pipin had assured him. A’viloh hoped that the two of them would get along well and also that they might be useful to help with tasks at the Bazaar.

The flight had been uneventful and quite fast for the distance. It wasn’t even noon, when he thanked Biggs and Wedge, who planned to stock up on a few materials before flying back, and said his farewell to them. Then A’viloh got his second chocobo from the stables of the Immortal Flames and soon was out of the buzzling city and only a short distance away from the next best thing he still had to a home.

As he slowly rode towards the small settlement he felt such a strong feeling of familiarity that it made tears appear in the corners of his eyes again. He had not noticed how tensed up he had been until now all the pressure fell off of his shoulders at once.

At first all the people curiously eyed the two tall chocobos before they quickly realised who traveled with them. As a few of them stopped in their tracks to greet him, the news of his arrival spread like a wildfire among the townsfolk. No one had expected him and his sudden appearance was like a special happening for this quiet small village. It only took a few minutes until an excited voice hurried closer and made A’viloh instinctively turn his head.

“A’viloh? Oh, it’s so nice to see you!”, the lavender haired Lalafell exclaimed as she ran towards him. Blinking away tears A’viloh knelt down to greet the woman with a smile on his face and a tight embrace. “Kikipu, I’ve missed you so much.”

Happily she smiled at him before observing the two chocobo’s and looking around for a bit. “Are you on your own this time? Where is Rael?”

A’viloh’s expression visibly soured. Like a sulky small child he claimed, “I don’t know and I don’t care.”

For a few seconds the Lalafell quizzically stared at him. While it would have been just like her to scold him for such behaviour right away or at least pry the truth out of him, she must have decided to take a more careful approach to figure out what was wrong with him. Such a sudden visit, all things considered, and at that alone and despite his best efforts to hide it in a quite desolate shape, he should have expected for Kikipu to see through it all.

“You look horrible, my boy!”, she stated instead of insisting on the subject of Rael any longer and worriedly grabbed one of his hands with her tiny ones.

“I am fine.”, A’viloh tried to assure her but she simply made an incredulous face. “You look tired, A’vi!”

He shrugged. “I am…”

“Outright exhausted!”, she added. “Have you been eating properly. Come! I’m going to make you some food.”

“I am not hungry, but thank you.”, he claimed although he had barely eaten anything since days.

“No, no!”, Kikipu protested and pulled at his arm. “Come on! Tea and food for you! And then some rest! There’s still plenty of time for talking once you recovered!”

There was no arguing against her. There really never was. And so in a way everything was just like it always had been here at the Silver Bazaar. If there was any place where he would be able to find peace, A’viloh thought, it would be here.

Without too much protest he let the Lalafell woman coddle him for a bit until the accumulated tiredness of the last week overwhelmed him. As his eyes fell shut, after drinking tea with Kikipu in a comfortable sunny spot, a deep dreamless sleep finally embraced him.

***

To A’viloh’s surprise the first few days at the Bazaar were incredibly busy. Everyone wanted to hear from the faraway city he had visited and the other curious places he had seen. A lot of the townsfolk also asked for his help with some work or transporting thing back and forth to and from the crossing or city. He had been grateful for the fact that he could help at all and also keep himself busy.

All this time he had tried not to think too much about everything unpleasant that had happened lately and especially not about the way he and Rael had parted ways. And for a while this had worked perfectly fine. But the more time he spent here and the more he settled back down into this peaceful daily life, just as a certain calmness slowly returned to him his thoughts began to wander. Back to the events of the last weeks and months. Back to the people he had simply left behind in Ishgard. Not only Rael, but also Tataru and Alphinaud to whom he hadn’t even given a single word of excuse or goodbye.

But especially his thought returned back to that night where he had stood only one step away from the abyss, his heart and mind overwhelmed by grief and pain and fear. He still felt all of that, still understood what had led him there to that ledge and yet thinking about how all of this could have ended, now that he was here among the people dear to him, deeply shocked him.

If Rael hadn’t been there… Maybe the Viera had been right with everything they had said. As painful as it was to admit this, but maybe he had lied to himself all along. Of course he had gotten a little bit stronger in the last year but apart from this he still was the same person. Although he had tried to become someone else, deep down he still was just terrified little A’viloh pretending to be alright. Pretending to be brave and pretending to want a new life for himself. Pretending to everybody and himself too.

While in reality he still hadn’t made his peace with everything that had happened before he had even washed ashore at the Silver Bazaar, he had gone to Ul’dah wanting to make up for all the pain he had caused. Wanting to finally return some of the goodness that had been given to him by Kikipu and the others. Wanting to help people, who needed help like he had needed it.

As he had tried so desperately to be something more than he had always been, to finally be useful, ignoring the protest inside him, he had not even noticed how he slowly accumulated even more weight on his shoulders. More pain and grieve. More guilt and self-hate. With every little failure and loss he had encountered along the way. Instead of healing he had pushed himself closer to the abyss step by step.

Maybe it was the best, for himself and for everyone, if he just admitted that he was not made for such a life. Maybe it was for the best if he just stayed here, taking some simple jobs here and there, not much more than was necessary to keep himself and the people here alive and happy. A quiet uneventful life.

And yet…

With each passing day, he found himself wondering more often. Not in the busy hours but instead in the silent moments. When he sat down at noon to have lunch in the shadow of a canvas awning, when he went to bed and could not sleep until late at night, when he opened the windows early in the morning and felt the salty wind rolling in from the sea pulling at his hair.

Then he wondered. About all the unfinished business. A whole city in turmoil. All the people he had left behind there.

Diligent, caring Tataru, who had always remained optimistic and cheerful despite everything.

Young Alphinaud, who himself was struggling and yet tried so hard to improve and make up for his mistakes.

Rael.

A’viloh was not sure anymore if he knew who Rael was or if he ever had known. But he knew Rael had always been at his side this whole time. Whenever he had felt bad Rael had been there for him and he also knew he owed the viera his life multiple times already. So did it really matter that Rael had kept this secret from him? He had known all along that something was bothering Rael. He had known that here were things they could not talk about. An he also knew that this hadn’t been easy for Rael either.

Again and again he wondered. What were all of them doing now? What were they thinking of him? And more often than every other question: Were they alright? Or maybe in danger?

Silently he kept asking himself this over and over again. One day, after he had picked up a delivery at the Quicksand, he even wondered if he should walk over to the Hall of Flames and see if anyone there knew about current happenings in Ishgard. As his chocobo kwehed impatiently, A’viloh had vehemently shaken his head and told himself that Kikipu was waiting for him and that everything in Ishgard would be perfectly fine now that he was no longer there to make everything worse.

And still the thoughts and worries returned day after day. Until one morning he stared out of the window with a vacant expression, entirely lost in thought. Kikipu stepped beside him, a mug in hand, and looked at him for a moment. “What‘s wrong?”, she finally asked.

Her voice startled him. Nervously he continued to put some things into a small backpack, readying himself for another trip to the city. ”Nothing. I was just distracted for a moment…”

“I see.”, with a stern expression the Lalafell put down the mug and placed her hands at her hips. “And will you finally tell me now what you are doing here?”

“What I am doing here?”, the Miqo’te repeated as if he didn’t understand the question. “I am supposed to take these things to Ul’dah of course and buy supplies instead.”

The small lavender-haired woman didn’t move one bit and just kept seriously staring at him. “Don’t play dumb with me, A’vi. I meant why you returned here and are staying so long, while your friends are still in Ishgard.”

“I told you I am not needed in Ishgard any longer. You almost sound like you want me gone…”, he answered, keeping his gaze fixed on his bag instead of risking to look the Lalafell in the eyes.

“A’viloh…”, Kikipu said with a sigh. “My dear, you know that you are always welcome here. But we also both know, that you haven’t been telling me the whole truth. So you better spit it out now!”

With furrowed brows A’viloh looked at the small woman, who in return stared at him with a serious unwavering determination on her face. Yes, there really was no arguing against Kikipu. Yet alone lying to her.

“Something horrible happened.”, he admitted finally before adding, “And I fought with Rael.”

To be honest he was not even sure if this were the right words to describe what had happened. Probably not. And yet it felt like it.

“Oh no… Why didn’t you tell me ealier?”, Kikipu asked with worry in her voice.

“I didn’t want to bother you…”, A’viloh explained and while this wasn’t a lie, in reality he had just not wanted to tell her the whole truth. He still didn’t want to. How where you supposed to tell anyone you loved that you almost threw yourself off a cliff anyway? Neither did it feel right to him to just retell the secret Rael had kept so carefully, even though by doing so they had lied to him.

The Lalafell sounded and looked a bit reproachful, when she addressed him again. “You are never bothering me. Please, sit down and tell me what happened.”

A’viloh shrugged uncomfortably and suddely pretended to be in ahurry. “Maybe later, I should really go now…“

But Kikipu wasn’t going to let him evade her this easily. „Uh-uh, the delivery can wait! Now, stop running away and tell me what’s wrong.“

Stop running away.

Somehow the way she said that reminded him of Rael. Running away… Was this really what he was doing?

With a sigh A‘viloh put down his bag again.

Maybe he could tell her at least a bit. Maybe it would help somehow…