#i also tried to pick media that a decent amount of people who follow me would know about so

[rathockey]

tagged by @hotchglare (and maybe someone else a while ago?? sorry i‘m so not up with my mentions)

Rules: Pick four of your favourite characters from four pieces of media and let your Tumblr people decide which one most suits your vibe.

tagging @andrewblur @bidisasterevankinard @r0ryy @shyaudacity @eddiediaaz @turgite and anyone else who would like to do this!

[jessikahathaway]

Baby Talk - Part II

Pairing: Jikook X Reader (Jimin X Reader X Jungkook)

Genre: Surrogacy!AU, Polyamorous!AU, Romance. (Future Smut)

Warnings: Profanity, medical procedures, pining (Like a stupid amount but what can ya do), Joon and Jin get protective, mentions of pregnancy symptoms. (If I forgot anything please let me know!)

Words: 10.5k (I guess I'm committing to long chapters lol)

You’d hit the four week mark, and not much had happened yet.

Despite you feeling like your hormones were on a swing.

Jimin was bewildered when he came into the bathroom to find you crying on the floor. Trying to comfort you went downhill quickly because soon you were mad that he was joking around. Then you were crying again, apologizing for being so harsh.

Up and down and up and down.

But they never got mad at you. Never yelled at you and never ignored you. But you forced your emotions down deep into your heart. A place that would be locked and the key thrown away. Because you knew what was happening, and it simply couldn’t happen.

It was late and you could feel your stomach begging for something to eat. You’d gotten really hungry lately, no doubt your body trying to accommodate for the new life you were growing inside of you.

So, you hurried to the kitchen under the guise of night and made some rice and a little bit of stir fry. You put together everything, making sure not to make too much, and started cooking.

It was around three in the morning when you sat down at the table and ate your food, looking through your phone with a bored expression. Nothing interesting on social media and YouTube videos were only entertaining for so long. So, you ate your food and cleaned up before starting to head back towards your room.

Then, a large flash went off in the sky, causing you to jolt and look out into the city. Rain was pelting against the window, sounding sharp to your ears. It was a little intimidating.

Then the loud crash of thunder rang through the house.

You yelped at the noise, covering your ears in fear. You’d never particularly liked thunderstorms, but this one was coming in hot and aggressive. You pulled your hands away from your ears, just trying to focus on getting back to your room when another flash lit up the room. Your heart was hammering in your chest and you started to sweat.

Before you could think too much about it you were knocking on Jungkook and Jimin’s door. Another crash of thunder roared through the house and you swear you felt the floor shake. You whimpered in fear and fidgeted with the hem of your shirt. Did they hear you? Or was the storm too loud? Should you go in? What if they weren’t decent?

Jimin had said you could go in if something was wrong...

But did being scared of a thunderstorm count?

FLASH.

BANG.

You couldn’t take it anymore and you burst through the door with tears in your eyes. Fear causing you to shake violently.

Jimin and Jungkook both bolted up in bed at the sound of the door slamming open, and were out of bed instantly at the sight of you shaking on the floor.

“Y/N? What’s going on? Are you alright? Are you hurt?” Jungkook’s worried voice echoed in your ear.

“She’s trembling,” Jimin said, rubbing your back.

“I-I I’m sc-”

FLASH.

BANG.

You cried and flung your arms around Jungkook’s neck, burying your face in his chest, tears streaming down your face as you shook violently. Jungkook looked at Jimin in shock and a little bit of his own fear, but Jimin just took his hand and placed it on your head.

‘Comfort her,’ Jimin mouthed.

Jungkook nodded before rubbing your hip soothingly.

“What’s wrong Y/N? Is it the storm?” He asked, bringing his other hand to your shoulder.

“Y-Yes,” you whimpered, keeping your face buried in Jungkook’s neck.

“It’s alright, Jimin and I got you. You’ll be safe,” Jungkook promised.

Jimin rubbed soothing circles onto your back as the two of them tried to ease your frantic heart. Both of them knowing it can’t be good for the baby. But, also, on you. The stress of carrying a baby was already a lot, the fear of this thunderstorm wasn’t a good addition.

Soon, you had cried yourself to sleep.

Jimin took you in his arms, picking you up and Jungkook followed after him as they headed for your room.

The couple laid you down in bed, brushing your face tenderly. Jungkook watched as Jimin covered you up, bringing the sheets right up under your chin. He smiled at the soft pout on your lips, he wondered if the baby would have your cute pout.

Jimin, moved your hair away from your eyes, tucking it behind your ear gently. When he was certain you were settled he took Jungkook’s hand and headed back to their bedroom.

“God, that scared the fuck out of me,” Jungkook said, sitting down on the side of the bed.

“Me too,” Jimin agreed, rubbing his face in exhaustion.

“Didn’t know she was that scared of storms, makes me want to beat up the sky for scaring her like that,” Jungkook said, frowning.

Jimin laughed lightly, but kissed his boyfriend lovingly. “I know you would if you could, or at the very least, sue it,” he snorted.

“Ooh, yeah, that could work,” Jungkook said.

“I’d never seen her like that, so vulnerable. She always puts up such a tough exterior,” Jimin said, biting his lip.

“Yeah, maybe it shows that she’s starting to trust us. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to live with two people who are kinda strangers to her,” Jungkook said, feeling awkward.

“Well, maybe we can fix that,” Jimin reasoned.

“What do you have in mind my stunningly attractive boyfriend?” Jungkook asked, leaning forward.

“Mmm, let’s take her shopping. Spoil her a bit, you’ve got more zeros in your bank account than I can count on all of my fingers. She’s gonna need maternity clothes anyways. Imagine her all dressed in Gucci and Prada while walking around pregnant with our baby,” Jimin said, appearing to be day dreaming himself.

“That would be... nice... To spoil her, show her we care about her well being and everything,” Jungkook nodded in agreement.

“Let’s do it,” Jimin said, gripping Jungkook’s hands.

“Okay, yeah!”

Unfortunately for the couple, you appeared to be hating every second of this shopping excursion.

“Y/N! Come on,” Jungkook said, walking with Jimin’s hand interlocked with his.

“Coming, coming,” you sighed, following after them.

“Y/N? Are you alright? Do you need a break?” Jimin asked, stopping to take a look at you.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just, sleepy,” you grumbled.

The boys had effectively cut off your caffeine intake as of late, and it was showing. You were more exhausted than ever, just wanting to sleep the day away, but the two men wanting to hear nothing of it today. Normally they would’ve just let you sleep, but, today was a different story.

Jimin bit his lip and looked at Jungkook with concern.

You didn’t seem to be having fun at all.

What was the point in spoiling you if you were just gonna wind up pissed off at the end of it? But maybe you just hadn’t found something you wanted yet. Jimin didn’t want to lose faith so early on, but you really were in a grumpy mood today.

Jungkook pointed out several different kinds of stores, suggesting different ones and you merely told them that whatever they wanted was fine. Feeling defeated already, Jimin told Jungkook to pick a store and maybe you’d find something you wanted in there.

Soon, you were in some high end designer store, looking around with a bored expression on your face. Most girls loved when you spoiled them, wanting nothing more than to have free reign with a credit card and a whole shopping mall. But you looked so fragile and out of place in this big store.

Jungkook looked around and found some things he wanted, Jimin too, but you were still sitting on the bench, head in your hand and looking tired.

The couple looked at each other, wondering what in the world they could do to make you smile. All they wanted to do was spoil you, make you feel better...

“Are you two with the young lady over there,” the store attendant asked, pointing at you with genuine curiosity.

“Ah, yes, she’s with us,” Jimin confirmed.

“I take it she’s not really into the whole shopping experience,” the attendant said, and the couple nodded sadly.

“We just wanted to spoil her, take her out and get her stuff she wanted. But it looks like she’d rather die than be here right now,” Jungkook said, frowning.

“Well, what are some things that she likes?” The shop attendant asked.

“Books,” both of them said quickly.

The attendant laughed at them softly, nodding.

“My wife is a fan of books too, sometimes I wonder if she likes them more than me. But, you said you want to spoil her right? Tell her that, explain what you’re doing, sometimes that helps,” he offered.

Jimin nodded, looking over at your sleepy figure in the corner of the store.

“It’s worth a shot,” he said.

The pair thanked the shop attendant for his time and headed towards you.

You looked up and tried to give the couple a smile, but it looked awkward and forced, making them frown even more. Jungkook sat down next to you, and Jimin kneeled in front of you.

“Y/N, do you know why we forced you out of your blankety cocoon today?” Jimin asked, looking at you with curiosity.

“You said you wanted to take me shopping,” you said, gazing back at him.

“Exactly, we wanted to take you shopping. Not just shop for ourselves and drag you around. We want to spoil you, give you whatever you want. All you have to do is ask and you can have it, Y/N, money isn’t an issue here,” Jimin said.

Biting your lip you felt yourself get uncomfortable. “I-I don’t really like being spoiled, you know? I um... It makes me feel weird,” you said, rubbing your neck.

“The last thing we wanted to do was make you upset,” Jungkook said, biting his lip.

“No I’m not upset I just feel awkward,” you explained.

“Oh, there’s no need to feel awkward Y/N, it’s just us,” Jimin reassured.

“People keep staring at us, like I’m some lame friend third wheeling on a date,” you sighed, rubbing your face.

Jimin and Jungkook both swallowed hard.

They hadn’t realized people were staring. But it would make sense, Jimin and Jungkook were known in the city and suddenly a girl is walking around with them? That did seem a bit odd. They were also regulars in this mall and no doubt the staff were looking too.

God, they had messed this whole day up.

“Oh Y/N, we’re sorry,” Jungkook said, pressing his hands to his face.

“Sorry? Sorry for what?” You asked, turning to look at him with confusion.

“Not including you,” Jimin explained.

“There’s no need to include me-” you started when Jungkook cut you off quickly.

“Yes there is, you’re carrying our baby, we want you to feel comfortable and safe. Not ignored and shut out, that’s not fair to you,” he said, brushing his hair away from his face.

“Yeah, we want you to have whatever you want. As long as it isn’t unhealthy for you or the baby,” Jimin said.

“This isn’t about flexing or whatever on other people, this is about you. And what you want,” Jungkook said.

“Well,” you said, worrying your lip with your teeth.

“Yes?” Jimin said, leaning forward.

“It’s, well, I guess some new clothes wouldn’t be bad. I’ll need maternity stuff,” you told them.

“Yes! Absolutely! We can do that!” Jimin said, standing up and pulling you with him.

However, it was a little too fast for you, causing your head to spin. Jungkook was steadying you with his warm palms on your waist, Jimin keeping you upright with his hands around your wrists.

“Sorry Y/N! I-I wasn’t thinking and I got so excited, sorry,” Jimin frowned at himself.

“It’s alright,” you said, not wanting him to be upset over something that didn’t really matter.

“I need to be more gentle with you, you’re carrying our baby for Christ sakes,” Jimin huffed.

You nodded, noticing the stern look on Jimin’s face. Licking your dry lips, you looked down at your feet. You were only a month along so you couldn’t really see anything yet. But knowing there was a life inside of you made you feel a little flutter in your chest every time you thought about it.

However, you needed to get that under control.

This wasn’t your baby.

And that’s just how it was going to be.

Jimin and Jungkook had managed to drag you into a designer store for mothers apparently, because everything in here looked like it was worth a fortune. How were you supposed to pick something and wear it when you were afraid it was gonna get dirty? For fucksake you were almost certain they would be ruined by the end of this pregnancy.

“Ooh! Y/N, pink is your color,” Jimin smiled, holding up a rose colored blouse at you.

Looking down you saw small daisies printed on the shirt as well. It was cute, you had to give him that. You agreed to try it on, but only if he promised not to show you the price tag. Jimin nodded quickly.

Jungkook came around the corner, carrying a couple different articles of clothing. Mainly dresses, as they would be a comfortable and easy choice. But there were some skirts and blouses in his arms too. After finding the ones you liked the three of you were sent to the dressing rooms.

Jimin and Jungkook waited outside on the bench, demanding a fashion show from you. You rolled your eyes, but didn’t say no before you headed in and tried on a couple of outfits.

You walked out and did a little spin every time, Jungkook and Jimin giving their opinions. Which were always small claps with whistles accompanying them.

Then you walked out in a shorter green sundress that you had managed to grab on the shelf without looking at the tag, thank God. It was green with splashes of turquoise and white that made your eyes pop beautifully. There was a cutout at the top that showed a little bit of cleavage but it wasn’t an insane amount. Nothing you thought anything of anyways.

It came to your knees, and it was generous with the room in it. No doubt when you were showing it would come up to your mid thigh. Fluffing your hair you walked out and smiled at the boys. Jungkook’s eyes trailed down your body. This was the first non maxi dress you’d tried on, even the skirts had been considerably modest. So, they were getting the first glimpse at your skin.

Jimin was stunned.

You were absolutely gorgeous. A vision.

Legs looking gorgeous and long, skirt fluttering around your knees but Jimin couldn’t help imagine you when you were showing a little more. Would it ride up higher? Clearing his throat he smiles at you.

“It looks really good, Y/N, I didn’t pick this one. Did you Kook?” Jimin said, turning to his boyfriend, who seemed to still be in a stupor.

“Jungkook?” You said, looking at the doe eyed man with a little bit of worry pinching your features.

“Yes? No, it-you look amazing Y/N, did you pick this out?” He asked you.

“I did, yeah,” you answered.

“Little sneak, do you really want to stop our hearts?” Jimin teased.

Blushing you brushed your hair behind your ear and stared at your shoes. Jungkook looked at you with so much longing it made Jimin’s heart stammer. Not out of jealousy, but something else. Jimin shook the thought from his head.

Soon you were all settled back in the car, several shopping bags in the back. Jimin and Jungkook had requested a driver today, wanting to just enjoy the experience. So, the driver dutifully drove while the three of you sat in the back.

You looked out the window and watched scenery pass you by. Jimin and Jungkook looked at you, each with a similar look on their face and similar feelings in their chest. But neither of them were brave enough to admit it to themselves. Not when they almost had everything they’ve ever wanted, or what they thought they wanted...

Getting out of the car, Jimin asked the driver to have the bags delivered up to their apartment. The driver nodded before disappearing.

The three of you made your way up to the apartment, but not before Jimin and Jungkook spilled that they had a surprise for you. Looking at them with a menacing glare, Jungkook broke first as you three made it into the entryway of the apartment.

“It’s nothing crazy, just... We didn’t want you feeling like the third wheel or, you know, not a part of this. You are just as important to us as the baby you are carrying, and while you’re with us we want you happy and... so we got you this,” Jungkook said, holding out the signature blue box that made your stomach churn with how much it must’ve cost.

“Please, don’t ask how much it cost. It doesn’t matter as long as it makes you happy,” Jimin whispered.

Slowly, you opened the box and a beautiful moon pendant sparkling in diamonds and white gold stared at you. You damn near dropped the thing because of how gorgeous it was. Jungkook and Jimin froze on the spot when they saw tears starting to fall down your face.

“Do you not like it?” Jimin asked.

“Is it too much? Did we go overboard?” Jungkook worried.

“N-No, it’s beautiful,” you said, touching the pendant with a delicate finger.

“Do you want to put it on?” Jungkook asked, hoping to God that you didn’t throw this pendant back in their faces.

“Yes, please,” you said, handing Jungkook the back and brushing your hair out of the way so he had access.

Slowly, you watched as the beautiful moon swung just above your cleavage, kissing your chest lightly. It was fastened behind your neck and you turned around, looking at the two men with a bright smile on your face.

Then, they held up their wrists.

A sun and a star.

You looked and saw it was all a matching set.

“You guys, you really,” you said, smiling softly.

“Honestly, Y/N, you’re our equal in this. You aren’t just a womb we’re renting,” Jimin said. “You’re a person, with wants and feelings and we want you to feel that. More than anything, we want you happy and safe.”

“We’re so thrilled you chose us, seriously. If there’s anything you want, anything you need, name it, we’ll get it for you. Scouts honor,” Jungkook said, holding up his hand.

Feeling an overwhelming sense of emotion, more tears ran down your cheeks, making you sniffle and wipe at them with irritation. You didn’t want to cry right now, you were happy! Now, you just looked like a snotty red mess.

“Aw, don’t cry Y/N!” Jungkook said, coming forward to wipe your tears.

“God you guys are such turds, making me cry all the time,” you sniffled.

“It’s not our fault!” Jimin said.

“It is very much your fault,” you said, holding your stomach gently.

A rush of air left the two of them at you doing something so maternal. It made Jungkook’s blood burst into flames, and Jimin had to swallow a moan at the knowledge of you being pregnant with his baby. You cocked your head to the side and looked at the two silent men.

“Okay, well... Thanks for today you two... I’m glad I got to be spoiled a little bit. I’m gonna go take a shower, are we ordering out for dinner tonight?” You asked. They were still silent and you wondered what the fuck broke them when Jimin blinked rapidly a few times before clearing his throat.

“Y-You’re welcome, if you want to go again just tell us and we can,” he said, fighting to keep his calm exterior.

“Okay, I’m gonna go take a shower then,” you said again, taking off towards the stairs.

Jungkook damn near collapsed on the floor when you were finally gone.

“Jesus,” he said, panting hard.

“Do you, do you feel it too?” Jimin asked, gazing at the area where you had been standing.

“Yeah,” Jungkook croaked.

“Fuck what’s wrong with us? She’s here for us to care for her, to nurture her, not use her like some object,” Jimin said, running his hands through his hair in frustration.

Jungkook rubbed his shoulders, trying to soothe his boyfriend’s frantic thoughts. He agreed. You weren’t someone for them to use and abuse... You were the mother of their child and you deserved to be respected. But God if the thought of you didn’t send their minds spiraling.

“I know... We just gotta tough it out I guess. What else can we do?” Jungkook reasoned.

“I don’t know Kook, I don’t know,” Jimin said, gripping his boyfriend’s hand tightly.

—

The six week mark came and so did the morning sickness. To start, it was just waves of nausea, but soon it turned into full blown vomiting.

It was around seven in the morning and you had barely slept a wink. You felt jittery and restless, unable to relax. But when you sat up to head to the kitchen for something to eat, your stomach flipped. Soon, you were in the bathroom getting sick in the toilet.

Shortly you heard a knocking at the door.

“Y/N? Sweetie are you alright?” Jimin’s worried voice echoed through the door.

“Yeah,” you wheezed, trying to keep yourself from hurling again.

“Can I come in?” His light tone echoed through the room.

“Yeah,” you said, feeling another rush of nausea washing over you as he comes in. You looked and saw his worried face come into focus.

“Oh sweetheart,” Jimin said, rubbing your back as you got sick once more.

“Jimin? Y/N?” Jungkook’s voice echoed in the apartment.

“We’re in the bathroom Kook!” Jimin yelled.

Shortly Jungkook’s footsteps came into the bathroom. He was frowning, knowing you must be uncomfortable and there wasn’t much he could do for you. Watching Jimin rub your back gave him a sense of comfort however.

You were struggling with your chest being tender also. Every time you moved against the toilet you felt a jolt of pain go down your spine. Wincing when you came back up, Jimin had gotten you a little cup of water. You swished the cool liquid around before spitting it out and standing up slowly, per Jimin’s instructions.

You brushed your teeth and told the boys you were alright. They left and you did the rest of your morning routine. Jimin came back into your room and asked if you were ready for breakfast. You nodded and let Jimin lead you to the kitchen table. Jimin, taking note of your poor start to the day, asked if you wanted anything in particular for breakfast. Thinking back you really enjoyed the Nutella and banana toast he made for you a while back.

He nodded and started the toaster quickly. Jungkook had been working overtime recently and had to leave shortly after your bathroom incident. Soon, two pieces of Nutella toast with bananas were placed in front of you.

But the second the smell of banana hit your nose, you were scrunching up your face in disgust. Jimin looked at you with confusion. Then it dawned on him: food sensitivity.

Quickly removing the plate he asked if anything else sounded good, and you came up with the weird combination that was scrambled eggs with cream cheese.

Jimin looked on with a light smile on his face as you scarfed down the eggs and cream cheese without a single nose scrunch. It always made him happy to see you eating. Keeping up your health for the sake of the baby and you made him happy.

Soon, you were done and Jimin had gone into the living room to watch some TV when you noticed him sitting there. Lounging on the couch was a normal thing, but, looking at him now you-you couldn’t put your finger on it. He just looked so good, sitting there. He’d recently redid his hair so it was a beautiful blond color. His eyes wandered from the television to you, standing there in your loose t-shirt and pajama shorts.

He licked his lips for a moment, but that was all it took for you.

The flash of his tongue made you slightly weak in the knees, causing you to grip the edge of the table for support. Jimin seemed to mistake this for a more serious problem as he was up in a matter of seconds to come to your side.

“Y/N? What’s the matter?” He asked, looking at you with concern.

“I-I’m good,” you said, giving him a thumbs up. “I think I just ate too fast.”

Jimin mulled this over in his head for a moment before nodding and stepping back.

“As long as you’re okay,” he said, heading back towards the couch.

But your symptoms weren’t just limited to food sensitivity, morning sickness and random bouts of arousal, oh no... The best one was the nightmares that had taken over your sleep schedule.

Normally they were just vague things that you forgot about when you woke up. But they were becoming more vivid. More, unsettling.

You were dreaming being in pools of blood, sometimes it was yours, sometimes it belonged to the boys. Sometimes you didn’t know where it came from, but it was always there. Never to be washed away, only to drown in...

You were caught up in the throes of a particularly bad nightmare...

You’d miscarried and lost the baby, Jimin and Jungkook were heartbroken and left you bleeding out on the floor as you stared up into the ceiling, dying.

The room was tilted and everything was wobbly.

You tried to go after them, to ask for another chance. But it was too late, they were gone.

Screaming, you bolted up in your bed. Tears flowing down your cheeks at a rapid rate. Your heart was hammering in your chest so loud you swore you could feel it in your throat.

You heard the slamming of a door and soon Jimin and Jungkook barged into your room, looking around frantically until they found you on your bed, shaking and crying into your hands.

“Y/N!” They yelled, going to your sides and trying to get you to talk to them.

“Sweetie, what happened? Why did you scream?” Jimin asked, petting your hair trying to soothe you.

“I-I had a nightmare, I-I lost the baby and, then lost you two,” you whimpered, covering your face again.

Jungkook swallowed thickly, the image of you crying being burned into his memory. He hated seeing you like this. It hurt him to see you so distraught. Jimin, too, was struggling with your emotions. He just wanted you happy and healthy, free from any worry and troubles of the real world. But of course, he couldn’t protect you from everything and everyone. No matter how much he wanted to.

“Y/N, it’s okay. We’re right here, we aren’t going anywhere,” said Jungkook. You were crying violently, looking at the bed spread with blurred vision. Jimin looked at Jungkook with worry written all over his features, your smaller frame sat shaking in the bed as the two males tried to comfort you.

Jungkook hesitantly reached out to wipe the tears from your face. You looked up at the man with puffy cheeks and swollen eyes, before glancing back down at your lap.

“You aren’t going to lose us, Y/N,” Jimin reassured.

“I’m scared,” you whispered, so broken that it had both of their eyes tearing up at the sound.

“It’s alright, we’re scared too,” Jimin said, patting your hair gently. “But we’ll get through this.”

“There was so much blood,” you whimpered, biting your lip trying to keep the sobs from coming out.

“Y/N,” Jungkook said, feeling his eyes burning with unshed tears of his own.

“I was dying and you just... left me there,” you confessed.

“We could never leave you just like that Y/N, ever,” Jimin said, sounding shocked.

“We’d never forgive ourselves if something happened to you,” Jungkook whispered.

Jimin grabbed his hand, rubbing his fingers over the knuckles. He knew seeing you like this was hard on both of them, and knowing how much you truly didn’t think they cared was also hurtful. Because all they wanted was to tell you you didn’t have to leave... But it couldn’t work like that.

Jimin’s work as a high end therapist was already wobbly because of his relationship with Jungkook. As unfortunate as it is, people didn’t want his help if he was dating a fellow man.

And Jungkook had already been shamed for his love publicly, the gossip forums on the newspaper and websites having a hay day with his image. He’d worked so hard to show he wasn’t any different than a straight man when it came to his work. But, the world is a cruel place, and social norms often reared their ugly heads with Jungkook.

They couldn’t drag you into that cesspool of nasty comments and uncomfortable encounters. It was a harsh reality, but it was the one you were all living in. And there wasn’t anything they could do about it.

Jungkook wanted to scream about how it was unfair. How you sitting here with them wasn’t wrong, as long as you all cared about one another, how could it be? But they both knew how this would end.

With you walking out of their lives and your child’s life, forever.

“I’m sorry for waking you up,” you hiccuped, swallowing down the rest of your tears.

“No, don’t be sorry,” Jimin said, rubbing your shoulder.

“If something’s wrong we want you to tell us,” Jungkook said, looking at you with misty eyes.

“I-I will,” you said, wiping your face.

“Are you going to be able to go back to sleep?” Jimin asked, looking at your state with concern.

“I should be able to,” you said, trying to convince yourself of the same thing.

“We can stay with you, until you’re asleep,” Jungkook offered before even thinking. Jimin’s head snapped to the younger male, who was already shrinking.

“W-Would you?” Your soft voice spoke up.

Jimin nodded finally, crawling into the bed with you and Jungkook following suit. They each took a hand and held it tightly. Jimin drew different shapes and patterns on your palm, making you giggle when it tickled. Jungkook interlocked your fingers together, running his thumb over your soft skin like Jimin did with him when he was nervous or scared.

Sooner, rather than later, you were passed out once more, hands clutching Jimin and Jungkook’s.

The men managed to untangle themselves from you as they went back to their room, hearts heavy. When the door shut, Jungkook burst into tears.

“Oh my sweet boy, don’t cry,” Jimin said, wiping his boyfriend’s cheeks carefully.

“Jimin,” he said, forehead resting on the older man’s shoulder.

“I know, it hurts me too,” Jimin whispered.

“I just want her to know that she’s not just a convenience, she’s so much more than that,” Jungkook whimpered.

“Yeah,” Jimin said, thinking of your body curled up on the couch with a good book and a warm drink next to you. Your smile when your favorite song comes on in the car. The way you’re already so protective over the baby.

“I don’t know if it’s because she’s carrying our baby or what, but, I want to be closer to her. I want to know everything about her... God I don’t know what to do with myself Jimin,” Jungkook complained, wiping at his tears in frustration.

“We just gotta keep it in our mind that she had a life before this, and she’ll have a life after it too. S-She’s doing this because we’re paying her Jungkook. Of course that isn’t the only reason but, it is the main one,” Jimin reminded his boyfriend, and himself.

Even though the words felt hollow in the air.

“I guess,” Jungkook said.

“You’ve got work early, we need to go back to bed,” Jimin said, motioning for Jungkook to get into bed as well. The two men cuddled up to each other, each feeling like something, or someone, was missing...

--

Faster than you thought possible, the ten week mark had come.

It was time to get your first ultrasound of the pregnancy.

The boys were over the moon about the whole thing. Excitedly chatting in the car.

“I hope we can see the baby well,” Jungkook said, driving carefully through the street.

Jimin hummed in agreement. “Me too, the baby is still super small right now. About the size of a prune but, we’ll still be able to see them on the screen. And, we can hear their heartbeat!”

You smiled at their excitement. Bringing your fingers up you brushed the pendant they gave you, a nervous habit you’d picked up shortly after their gifting it to you. Jungkook looked at you in the rearview, playing with the sparkling jewelry piece. It made his chest feel tight, looking at you. Jimin placed a hand on his, making Jungkook focus on him for a moment.

Jimin shook his head and Jungkook swallowed thickly, knowing exactly what he meant.

Soon, you were all at the clinic.

Jimin helped you out of the backseat, getting your bag and whatnot so you didn’t have to fuss with it. Jungkook placed a protective hand on your lower back, guiding you into the building.

You felt your heart flutter in your chest at the action, having to cover up your blushing with a cough. Jimin urged you to sit down while he got the paperwork, something you didn’t fight him on. You were exhausted as of late.

The boys reassured you it was normal to be tired. You knew, however, that you were a little more tired than normal. Briefly you wondered if it was because it was your first time and you’d never felt something like this. However, that didn’t sit right. You knew there was something going on, but you didn’t want to worry the boys. Especially since you were getting an ultrasound today.

Sitting next to Jungkook in the waiting room, he made small talk. Asking how you were feeling and if the morning sickness had gotten any better.

“It’s gotten worse,” you complained, leaning your head back in the seat.

“Really? Maybe we can ask the doctor to prescribe something for you,” he said.

“It should be going away soon, I’ll be alright,” you reassured, patting his knee.

“Sometimes it doesn’t go away until the baby is born, I just don’t want you to suffer if we can do something about it,” Jungkook said softly.

“If it gets too bad, I’ll say something. Okay?” You said, keeping a gentle smile on your face.

“Yeah, okay,” he agreed.

Jimin came back and took Jungkook’s hand, intertwining their fingers together. Jimin had a habit of tracing the tattoos on Jungkook’s hands when he was nervous, it made you smile.

Eventually a nurse called your name and led you back to the ultrasound room. Jungkook smiled and sat down in the chair provided. Jimin helped you up onto the table and the ultrasound tech went over what they would be looking for and opened it up for questions.

When no one had any, she proceeded.

“Okay, I just need you to pull the front of your pants down a little bit,” the tech asked, prepping the machine.

You immediately turned and looked at Jungkook and Jimin, then down at your stomach. It wasn’t a big deal, it was just a little bit anyways.

Without much more thought you pulled your pants so just the top of your panties were showing. Jungkook’s eyes widened at your actions, but he tried to keep a calm exterior. Jimin kept his eyes trained on the screen, not wanting you to feel uncomfortable.

The ultrasound gel was cold, making you jump when it came in contact with your skin. But soon it was warming to your skin and you all looked at the screen with rapt attention.

“Alright so we should see the head and curvature of the body, but other than that this is just to make sure that everything is looking good in the uterus and to see if there are any abnormalities with the baby-oh! Babies it appears,” the tech said, a big smile on her face.

“What?” Jimin said.

“There’s another head there, if you look right here,” she pointed at the screen. “Looks like you’ve got a set of twins in there!”

Jungkook’s eyes teared up, looking down at your stomach with his heart in his throat.

You were stunned.

Twins?

The first try?

Wow, you really did win the lottery.

“Oh my God,” Jimin said, hiding his face in Jungkook’s shoulder.

“Way to go, got those twins first try,” you said, trying to keep your nerves under control.

“It’s all thanks to you Y/N, we couldn’t do it without you,” Jungkook reminded.

“Are you guys going to want the pictures?” The tech asked. Jimin and Jungkook of course said yes.

“Wow, look at their heads babe!” Jimin yelped as you all walked out of the clinic together. Jimin was still cooing over the pictures of the twins from the ultrasound.

“I need to put it in my wallet,” he said, bringing out the accessory shortly after.

You smiled at their excitement. You were beyond happy, you’d done it. Gave them the twins they desperately wanted. First try too. You knew that meant a few more complications, but, you didn’t want that to hold too much weight over you.

“We should call Namjoon and Jin! Tell them the news about the twins!”

You nodded quickly, wanting to tell your friends the update.

Namjoon and Jin were thrilled, obviously. Insisting that they’ll give Annie to Jin’s parents for the night so you could all get together and have a meal. Agreeing, the boys set it up for around seven thirty.

“Dress nice! I also expect to see those ultrasound pictures!” Jin said through the phone.

You snorted and shook your head, gently touching your stomach. You felt a fluttering in your chest, like you were standing on the edge of a tall building or something. It made you gasp lightly, moving your hand away from your belly to your chest. Jimin seemed to notice your movement because he was turning around in his seat.

“Everything alright there?” He asked, looking at you with his beautiful brown eyes.

“Y-yeah, I’m good. We’re-good,” you said, pointing to your tummy. Jimin’s eyes lit up at the mention of the babies.

“Okay, tell me if you need anything,” he said, turning around and facing the front once more.

You all walked back into the apartment, Jungkook still gushing about everything. You simply smiled and went to go get ready for dinner.

Jin did say to look nice, so you picked out a few things from your shopping excursion a while back. Putting on a dress that looked skin tight but it was super stretchy, so no doubt you could wear it late into the pregnancy. The zipper on the back would be an issue but, it made you feel a little sexy. You hadn’t really done a lot in regards to your appearance around the boys, you didn’t see the need.

But, it wouldn’t hurt to do your hair and dress nicely...

You had the perfect shoes to pair with the dress. You grabbed some stockings and a few other small pieces of jewelry, placing them on the bed while you assembled everything together the way you wanted it.

Eventually, you were all set.

Except for the zipper on the back.

You didn’t understand why there was a zipper on such a stretchy dress, but fashion has its ways you guess. Reaching behind you proved unsuccessful. Quickly growing frustrated, you did the following without thinking.

“Jimin? Jungkook? Can one of you come here for a second please?”

Once the words were out, you immediately wished you could eat them.

But the damage had been done.

Both men walked in your room.

Jimin’s jaw dropped open, looking at you in awe.

You were in knee high stockings, low heels and a slinky black dress that hugged your body so perfectly it made him want to drop to his knees. Jungkook fared no better. Seeing your hair styled and a little bit of makeup on your features really enhanced your natural beauty. They both were staring, making you shrink in embarrassment.

“O-Okay, you can blink any time now,” you said, chuckling to ease the tension in the room.

“You look... wow,” Jimin breathed.

“Incredible. You look incredible,” Jungkook said, eyes trailing down your legs.

“Thank you, but, um... Could one of you please come zip me up? I can’t reach the zipper,” you said, turning your back to them fully.

Jungkook stared at his boyfriend with an almost agonized look on his face. Jimin nodded and walked forward, brushing your hair out of the way. Placing a gentle hand on your hip Jimin pulled the zipper up to the top, covering each inch of your beautiful skin.

Jungkook swallowed his noise of protest, trying to remember what Jimin had said. You weren’t an object for them to use, you were their surrogate. The woman who would be birthing their twins. And then leaving...

Jimin knew if Jungkook had walked forward to zip up your dress he wouldn’t be able to keep it together. Jimin wasn’t doing that hot either to be honest. Your hips flared out. Looking so beautiful hugged in the dress, and the warmth of your skin beneath his fingertips was... alarming.

“Thank you,” you said, turning around with a smile on your face.

Jimin couldn’t help but mirror your grin.

“Absolutely, are you ready to go now?” He asked, trying to keep from getting distracted any more.

“Yeah, let’s go! I want Jin to feed me so much I burst,” you said, heading towards the door. Once you were gone, Jungkook looked at Jimin.

“This is only getting harder,” Jungkook said, biting his lip.

“Are you going to be alright?” Jimin questioned, placing his hand on Jungkook’s shoulder.

“Yeah, just... This feels wrong,” Jungkook whispered.

“What feels wrong?” Jimin asked.

“Keeping her at arm's length, I just feel awkward. Pushing her away when she’s doing something so big for us, it’s really emotionally charged and... I feel like a jerk for treating her like just another person. Like she isn’t special,” Jungkook explained, brushing his hair out of his face.

“I understand,” Jimin said, trying to smooth the frown lines from Jungkook’s face.

“Boys? Are you coming?” Your voice echoed through the house.

“Coming!” Jimin said. “We’ll talk about this later, okay? We’ll figure this out.”

—

The dinner at Jin and Namjoon’s was beyond anything you’d expected.

There was so much food and honestly, you ate a lot. Lying back in your chair, tilting your head back you sighed. Rubbing your stomach unconsciously. But the boys noticed everything. Especially how amazing you looked in that outfit.

It was just about all they could do to keep their hands off of you. Jungkook was fidgeting the whole night, being the one who sat next to you. He really tried to keep his cool, but a man could only take so much.

“So, Y/N, how does it feel to be pregnant with twins?” Namjoon asked, taking a small bite of rice.

“Honestly? It’s not been a cake walk, let me tell you. My mood swings are everywhere, my chest is killing me, food is either a hit or miss and don’t get me started on how arou-ahem,” you froze at your brazen attitude. Jimin and Jungkook’s heads snapped at your statement, looking at you with masked emotions. “Sorry, got carried away. Anyways, it’s been wild. But, I’m really glad to be doing it, you know? The boys take good care of me,” you praised, smiling at the two of them now.

Namjoon noticed it first.

The twinkle in Jungkook’s eyes at your words. How genuinely happy he seemed listening to you talk. Jimin’s body language was always engaged with you, never closing off or making it appear like he wasn’t interested.

Namjoon’s eyes widened.

This would need to be discussed...

Soon, everyone was sitting in the living room, just digesting. When you got up and said you had to use the restroom.

When the men were alone, Namjoon attacked.

“What are you guys doing?” He asked, looking at the two younger men with worry in his features.

“What do you mean?” Jimin quizzed right back.

“Listen, I’ve been friends with Y/N for a long time. I really care about her and want only the best for her. I also want you guys to be happy and healthy and have your own family, so please don’t take what I’m about to say personally but-what the fuck?” He asked.

“What do you mean what the fuck?” Jungkook asked.

“Why are you looking at her like that?” Namjoon asked, feeling his frustration rise.

“Like what?!” Jimin argued.

“Like you-Like you, are all, like... a couple?” Namjoon said, feeling the awkward tension rising in the room.

“What?” Jungkook coughed.

“We aren’t together,” Jimin said slowly.

“But do you want to be?” Namjoon asked.

Jungkook broke first.

“I don’t know,” he whispered, placing his head in his hands. Jimin was quick to comfort the younger male, rubbing his back in big, soothing circles.

“It’s a new experience for us. We just want her to be happy and healthy and safe. You know, take care of her,” Jimin explained, skirting around the question.

“Of course, but, there’s a difference between appreciation and affection,” Jin said, speaking up.

“Y-Yeah, we know that,” Jimin answered. “I’m a therapist, I know what emotions are.”

Namjoon rolled his eyes.

“If you know what emotions are then why are you denying your own?” he asked.

“I’m not!”

“Bullshit,” Namjoon challenged.

“This is fucking ridiculous,” Jimin growled.

“What’s all the angry whispering out here for?” You asked, walking back into the room. The energy snapped within an instant.

“It’s alright, just a heated debate about politics,” Namjoon joked, giving you a tender smile.

“Oookay?” You said, coming back in to sit down next to Jungkook, who was trying his best to not squirm when your thigh brushed his.

The rest of the night moved rather calmly, but not without a fierce monopoly game that almost caused a few table flips. Jungkook wound up losing and threw a mini tantrum. But it was quickly smoothed over when you promised you’d bake him some cookies the next time he had a day off.

While Namjoon and Jin were cleaning up, Jungkook and Jimin discovered your sleeping frame on the couch once more. Breaths coming in even and slow, they smiled at you. Your lips were pouting lightly, something they’d discovered was a habit when you were sleeping.

And Jungkook adored it.

He came over to your side and tried to wake you up, but when you whined and fussed he decided it would just be easier to carry you to the car. Carefully, the strong young man lifted you into his arms and towards the door. Jimin got the rest of your things all together and they thanked Jin and Namjoon for the meal and night.

But before they left, Namjoon grabbed Jimin by the shoulder. Jungkook waited, looking back in worry. Jimin waved him on, saying he’d be there in a minute. Jungkook nodded before heading out the door.

“What?” Jimin asked.

“I’m sorry about earlier, I overstepped. I didn’t mean to offend you or Jungkook. It’s just, Y/N is very inexperienced when it comes to love and emotions and having that connection. I’m worried about what’s happening to her. I don’t want her to get her hopes up and be crushed later on,” he explained.

Jimin nodded his head.

“I accept your apology. I didn’t mean to fly off the handle either, Jungkook and I have been... Discussing it. But it’s not an easy thing to come to terms with, we aren’t sure what we feel for her... We know we care about her, but is it because she’s our surrogate and we want to care for her? Or is it something deeper? We don’t know,” Jimin sighed, running his fingers through his hair.

“Y/N is so special. She gives without thinking, she is so dedicated to those she cares about... she’d give the shirt off her back to someone she didn’t even know. It’s hard not to love her, but... she doesn’t deserve to be pulled in a million different directions either. But you all deserve to be happy, I’m always here if you need to talk,” Namjoon offered.

Jimin smiled lightly. “That’s normally my line.”

“You guys are good people, I wouldn’t have recommended Y/N do this if I didn’t trust you. But, just... please don’t take advantage of her heart. And don’t lie to yourselves either.”

Jimin nodded, looking down at the floor with a resolute nod.

“Thanks, both of you,” Jimin said, giving a small wave before heading out towards the car. Jungkook already had you buckled and settled in.

“What was that about?” Jungkook asked, getting into the front seat.

“He wanted to apologize for earlier, he felt like he overstepped. And, he wanted to explain why he was so defensive over Y/N,” Jimin said.

Jungkook nodded and started the car, taking off down the road.

“Why is he so protective? Did they like, date in the past or something?” Jungkook asked. Jimin shook his head.

“N-No, Y/N hasn’t ever had a boyfriend or girlfriend,” Jimin said, resting his head in his hand.

“What? Really?” Jungkook balked. Trying to think of how someone like you hadn’t ever been snatched up before. You were a total catch! But, you did tend to keep to yourself.

“Yeah, she told me about it the day she had her IUI done,” Jimin explained.

“Oh, so-wait. She’s having a baby when she’s never, like, had sex?” Jungkook said. “Is that safe?”

“I mean I’m sure it’s safe but, she’s not... Um, she told me she’s had sex before,” Jimin said.

“Wow, how did this all come up?” Jungkook asked.

“Well, she mentioned something about wanting someone who looked at her the way we look at each other,” Jimin blushed.

“She’s so cute,” Jungkook groaned. “Well, at least she’s been with someone before. You know, had that kind of pleasure.”

Jimin coughed, rubbing his neck. Jungkook looked at him weirdly.

“What?”

“She may have off-handedly mentioned that she’s never, uh... You know, finished,” Jimin flushed. Jungkook looked floored at the information.

“You mean to tell me, that some jerk took her virginity and didn’t fucking make it special? What a fucking tool bag,” Jungkook growled.

“I don’t know the story, she didn’t divulge that kind of information. I was the one who guessed she’s never finished, and she was pretty embarrassed about it all to be honest,” Jimin said.

“That is so frustrating,” Jungkook said.

“Yeah.”

The car was quiet, save for your soft little snores coming from the back seat.

“Did you hear what she said during dinner?” Jimin asked. “When she was talking about her pregnancy symptoms.”

“Yeah...” Jungkook trailed off.

“I wish we could do something for her, I feel so bad,” Jimin whispered.

“We can be there to support her but we can’t over step either,” Jungkook said.

“I know, normally I’m the one reminding you of that,” Jimin huffed.

“I understand it’s not easy for either of us,” Jungkook said softly.

“Maybe we just need a god romp in the sheets to get it out of our system hmm?” Jimin teased, running a hand up Jungkook’s thigh. Jungkook couldn’t help the hiss that came out of his mouth at the touch. They hadn’t really been active in that way since you’d come into the house.

“Y-You know how loud I get,” Jungkook said, swallowing hard.

“Oh I’m very aware how loud I can make you scream,” Jimin winked.

“Stop, I’m already hard,” Jungkook whined.

“I bet you are baby,” Jimin said, squeezing his boyfriend’s thigh tight.

“Stop, please,” Jungkook whined.

“Mmm,” Jimin said, not sensing that Jungkook really wanted him to stop. “And what if I keep going baby? What if I snuck my hand into your pants and tugged your pathetic little cock until you came huh? Make you come all over your expensive pants and make you lick it up?”

“Jimin,” Jungkook said, cock straining against his pants.

“Yes baby? What does my baby want, huh?” Jimin asked, so sweet... Almost dangerous.

“I-I want-”

“Mmm, are we home yet?” You voice perked up from the back seat.

“Y/N?” Jimin asked, turning to look at you. Your eyes were bleary from sleep and it was obvious you must’ve just woken up. Jungkook adjusted himself in the seat, trying to hide his throbbing erection from your sight.

“Yeah?” You said, blinking slow.

“Sweetie,” Jimin cooed, brushing a few strands of your hair back from your face, even though it was an awkward angle for him.

“Jungkook are you okay?” You asked, noticing how tense the young man’s posture was.

“I-I’m good,” he said, trying to hide his arousal.

“Okay,” you said, laying your head back down.

Jungkook pulled the car into the front slot of the building, handing the keys over to the valet. The two of them brought you out of the car and Jimin decided it was his turn to carry you up to the apartment. So, the three of you all made it to the apartment in silence.

You were awake, but you weren’t feeling too terribly chatty. Sleep still at the forefront of your mind. Jungkook and Jimin hadn’t spoken since you got out of the car, and you can’t help but feel like you were in the middle of something kinda intense. The charged feeling in the room making you shift against Jimin’s chest.

He looked down at you, trying to keep himself from jostling you too much. You were exhausted. But soon, you felt bile rising in your throat...

“Jimin put me down,” you said, holding your hand to the mouth. Just as he set you down you scrambled to the bathroom and threw up the massive dinner you’d eaten. Jimin and Jungkook were rushing right after you. Jungkook brought your hair away from your face. Jimin sat down next to him to rub your back.

You got to the point where you were just dry heaving into the toilet, but it didn’t seem to end.

“Oh fuck,” you croaked, coughing hard.

“You want some water?” Jimin asked.

“No, I’m scared I’ll just throw that up too,” you whined.

“It might be better than just dry heaving,” Jimin said.

“You got a point,” you huffed, trying to keep your head from spinning.

“I’ll get you some,” he said, moving off the floor to head towards the kitchen. Jungkook shuffled forward, kind of molding his front to your back. When you pushed a little too hard against him you felt it. Wondering what it could be for a moment you pushed back against him again, when he groaned in surprise.

“U-Um, Jungkook?” You squeaked.

“S-Sorry!” He said, moving away faster than the speed of light.

“I-It’s okay, just, you know,” you flushed.

“It’s not because of you! It’s not uh, I wasn’t um,” he stuttered.

“I-I didn’t think it was?” You said, more of a question.

“It’s not that you’re not pretty or anything it’s-”

“No, I get it,” you said, smiling weakly.

“Y/N-”

“Here’s your water,” Jimin said, bringing in a glass for you to drink.

You sipped it slowly. Not paying attention. Jungkook looked like he was going to die in the corner, which made Jimin shoot him a weird look. He just shook his head as he covered his face. Jimin made a mental note to question him about it later, but his concern was on you right now.

“Have you been getting sick a lot?” Jimin asked, placing a soft hand on your shoulder.

“I mean, it’s mainly in the morning. I think I just ate too much at dinner,” you said, pouting lightly.

“Gotcha, do you feel like you’re going to get sick again? Or do you think you’re done?” He asked.

“I-I think I’m good,” you said, putting the empty glass down.

“Are you sure?” Jimin asked, making you look at him.

“Mhmm,” you confirmed, eyes getting droopy again.

“Alright sleepyhead, brush your teeth and go to bed. Need help getting up?” Jimin worried, fussing over you like any father to be would.

You stood up slowly, mindful of your dizzy head. But, when you stood at the sink you felt everything kinda snap into focus. Jimin dragged Jungkook out of the bathroom to let you do your thing, but told you to come get them if you needed anything.

Hurrying into the bedroom, Jimin narrowed his eyes at his boyfriend.

“Why did you look like you’d rather crawl into an overflowing storm drain than be in that bathroom? What happened when I was getting water?”

Jungkook looked up at Jimin could see the embarrassment on his face. Sighing, Jimin sat down, placing his hand on his boyfriend’s back.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have teased you in the car. It’s just, been a while you know? I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable or anything,” Jimin apologized.

“Y/N felt it, my... When you moved me so you could get out of the bathroom to get her the water, she was pushed up against me. And, she pushed back against me and felt my dick against her,” Jungkook said, rubbing her face.

“Oh, that is... uh, awkward,” Jimin agreed.

“It gets worse,” Jungkook said.

“What do you mean?” Jimin asked.

“I-I told her it wasn’t because of her and then I tried to tell her it’s not that she wasn’t pretty and I just threw up a bunch of words that didn’t make sense and then you were back,” Jungkook whimpered.

Jimin sighed. Jungkook had never been a genius with words, but normally he was better than that. He knows that Jungkook is mortified, Jungkook wasn’t good at mingling or recovering from blunders of the social variety. So, Jimin just sighed and gave his boyfriend a gentle kiss.

���It’s okay Jungkook, Y/N isn’t gonna hold this against you,” Jimin soothed.

“I just feel terrible,” Jungkook said softly.

“Why? It was an accident,” Jimin reasoned.

“Because I-I didn’t want her to stop,” he swallowed. Jimin bit his lip and tried to keep his anger from spilling over.

“I don’t know how many times we have to talk about this Jungkook,” Jimin said.

“We were talking about it in the car! But we’ve never talked about what we want, what we’re doing now, it's not sustainable. I’m going crazy!” Jungkook yelled.

“Jungkook keep your voice down!” Jimin reminded.

“Jimin I’m so fucking confused, I don’t know what we’re doing. What I’m doing. I-I do know one thing for certain. I love those kids, so much, and they aren’t even here yet. I love them so much, because they’re ours... But... I can’t keep doing this. Getting closer only to rip myself away, it’s killing me Jimin. If you want me to walk away, I will but, I just can’t keep giving myself hope when there isn’t any,” Jungkook cried, tears falling down his cheeks.

“I-I didn’t know you were so broken up over this,” Jimin whispered.

“I’m so confused,” Jungkook whispered.

“I am too, I love you so much but... I feel this connection to her. I know it’s normal to be grateful, but, I know it’s more than that with her,” Jimin said, moving to give Jungkook a back hug.

“Then we need to make a decision,” Jungkook said.

“You want to pursue her as a part of our couple? Like, make her our girlfriend?” Jimin asked.

“Do you?” Jungkook asked back.

“I mean... I wouldn’t be opposed,” Jimin said softly.

“I don’t want this if you don’t,” Jungkook said, turning to look at Jimin with sparkling eyes.

“I want this... I want her, but, we need to give her some time, as well as ourselves to come to terms with this,” Jimin reasoned.

“Okay,” Jungkook agreed.

“But, when we’re both ready, we can approach her,” Jimin said.

“Would this be healthy to do? I mean, mentally,” Jungkook asked.

“Polygamous couples generally tend to have better communication than the average two person couples. And with one of us being a therapist I think we could manage. I-I want to work towards that,” Jimin confessed.

“I want this too,” Jungkook said excitedly.

“Then that’s what we’ll do...”

You laid in bed late into the night. You heard Jungkook and Jimin having a disagreement. You couldn’t make out the words but, the walls were thin... You prayed to God that it wasn’t about you, or anything related to the children.

Slowly, your hand trailed down to your stomach. You didn’t think you could see a bump yet, but maybe a little something? You weren’t sure, maybe it was just wishful thinking.

You moved slightly, and you felt something in your underwear. Adjusting lightly, you pulled them down to look, and you saw a decent amount of arousal soaking into the cotton fabric. Blushing bright red you reached down to touch your hot center, to find that you were, in fact, dripping wet.

Biting your lip you thought back on the bathroom incident. Jungkook’s firm body pressed against yours, his hardened cock pressed against your ass, the hot groan he let out. Running your fingers over your slit, you gathered your slick and pushed against your clit gently.

Shockwaves of pleasure ripped through you at the sensation.

“Oh!” You gasped, hand coming up to cover your mouth in fear of waking the boys.

You did it again, causing your body to jump slightly, making more of your arousal drip from your center. Licking your lips you thought about what Jungkook’s hands would feel like instead of yours. What his body would feel like pressed up against yours naked... Jimin’s plump lips flashed through your mind for a second, making you wonder what his blond head would look like between-

No!

No no no no no!

Ripping your hand away from your weeping core you turned over and placed your hands on your head.

How could you? Those two weren’t something to fuel your lonely fantasies! They are in love with each other, and are going to have a family... Albeit you had to help with that part but, still. Jimin and Jungkook weren’t yours... They were each other’s...

But as much as you tried to tell yourself that it would never happen...

You couldn’t help but dream of the two men’s hands running over your body...

Hot breaths touching your ears...

Taglist: @kittkat44, @giadalin, @kookachuwu

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[sunaswife]

Summary: It’s been five years since you’ve seen your ex, Rin. He’s still not over you and you’re not over him. When he finds out you have children he thought he didn’t have a chance. Then he finds out they’re his? All of a sudden you’re teaching Suna how to be a single dad.

🔪: <3 thanks for all the support so far

Warnings: Fluff, angst I guess, drama, and cuteness twin overload

Previously Up Next Masterlist

Chapter Thirteen

“Kuroo-San I’m very flattered but in reality I’m seeing someone.” You chuckled awkwardly as you both walked to the lounge after today’s game. “Really?! Since when! About a month ago during the black Jackals game you just said you were a single mom!” He exclaimed. “Well..in reality..I’m trying to make amends with the father of my children. We were both dumb and immature but now since we’re older, we can have a decent conversation. And I still have feelings for him in a way and he’s already confessed..so...” you scratched the back on your head. “Have you accepted his confession..?” He asked. “Well..I mean I kind of changed the subject..” you replied awkwardly. “Poor guy..” he put his hand on his chest as if he felt the pain. “Well it’s not right to pressure someone into going on a date with them so I’m sorry. I was out of line. And I hope everything goes well between you and Rintarou.” He said with a soft smile. He patted your head and walked away down the other hall, you just stood there dumbfounded. How does he know Rin is the dad..?

You haven’t checked social media or sports news so you’re not sure if people already know. You made you way into the lounge and opened your small locker. You took out your purse and walked to your car, you tried walking as fast as possible to avoid talking to people and when you were in the comfort of your car you took out your phone.

Your eyes widened at the amount of phone calls and messages Rin sent. You didn’t even have a chance to read the messages since you decided to call back Rin and wonder what is going on. “It’s about time you answer.” He immediately gritted, he obviously sounded pissed. “Excuse me?” You immediately said with such confusion.

Does he seriously think he can get away with talking to you like that?

“I said it’s about time you fucking answered. Why weren’t you answering my calls or messages?” He asked. “I was obviously working.” You said in a duh tone. “Is something wrong?” You asked. “YES something is wrong! My son almost died and I didn’t know what to do!”

Your heart dropped. He almost...died..? “W-wait—“ you shook your head. “What do you mean he almost died?” You asked. “He had an allergy attack and I had to use an epipen. I didn’t know what to do at the hospital. I rarely had any information. You never told me if the kids had insurance or anything.” “Is Rini okay?” You immediately asked. “Yes he’s fine. But you didn—“

“I’m on my way. For the next eight hours, think before you speak, okay? Don’t say anything you’ll regret.” You warned. “Whatever.” He muttered and hung up. Immediately your heart clenched and you threw your phone at the passenger seat. You rubbed your face and leaned forward and gripped the steering wheel.

“What the fuck.” You sighed. Throughout the drive back to Hyogo your hands began shaking thinking about your kids and Rin. The kids went through something traumatic, and you weren’t there to help them or to protect them. What kind of mother are you? You wanted to slap yourself so hard, jump off a cliff. Receive some sort of punishment for being such a stupid mother and trusting Rin with your children.

After a few hours, your makeup needed a touch up, your hair was a mess for running your hands through your hair hoping your son is okay. Your eyes felt droopy. You’ve only slept a good six hours between drives and it’s way past midnight. The sun began to rise and you finally passed the billboard welcoming you to the hyogo prefecture. You went to the hospital Rin said they were at and you quickly parked and made your way inside.

The poor lady in the office seemed startled at your appearance, your clothes were wrinkled, and your shirt was untucked and unbuttoned from the top, you had bags under your eyes, you were a whole mess. When she gave the room number you slipped off your heels and began jogging to your location. The door was opened so you peeked in and saw your daughter playing with her fox plush on the uncomfortable couch chair.

It was like she sensed you so she looked up and you made eye contact with your little girl. Her eyes immediately watered and she hopped off the chair crying. “Mommy!” She sobbed and you immediately bent down to pick her up. You held her close and her grip tightened around your shoulders. “Rini doesn’t feel good..” she mumbled in your ear. “I know baby, I know.” You answered and dropped your heels by the entrance.

You made you way inside and saw Rin hunched over on the bed sleeping. He was holding Rini’s hand who was also asleep. He looked alright and you sighed in relief. “Have you slept, Akira?” You asked and she nodded. “I slept with Rini, but grandma wanted me to go back home with her. But Rini needed me. He’s my twin.” She wiped her eyes and slightly pulled away. You neared the other side of the bed and pulled the lounge chair closer so you can sit. Akira was on your left thigh with her head still on your shoulder. You looked at Rini sleeping and you brushed some hair out of his face. He slowly opened his eyes and he smiled lazily, “I missed you momma..” he mumbled. “I missed you too. I came as fast as I could.” You assured. “I was so scared.” He admitted. “I know..and I’m sorry I wasn’t there to help you.” Your eyes began to water. “Don’t cry mommy.... then I’ll cry..” Rini held your hand with his free hand.

Your wiped under your eyes with the sleeve of your blazer to stop the tears from falling and you smiled again. “Okay I won’t cry.” You said and released a breath. “Can you sing me a song?” Akira asked in your neck, “Yeah I want a song too, please.” Rini pouted and you nodded. They had a favorite song from a certain show that they enjoyed the most. You began to sing softly and Rini squeezed your hand and Akira began to fall asleep again.

I always thought I might be bad

Now I'm sure that it's true

'Cause I think you're so good

And I'm nothing like you

Look at you go

I just adore you

I wish that I knew

What makes you think I'm so special

You saw as Rini’s eyes began to close so he could fall back to sleep, you heard snoring right in your ear and realized Akira knocked out as well. “You have a beautiful voice.” Rin said softly as he rested his head on the side of his arm. “Sorry that I woke you up.” You quickly apologized. “No it’s fine..” he yawned and slowly sat up. He winced slightly, “Damn I need to see a chiropractor.” He muttered and you released a small chuckle. “Me too.” You said.

“So is Rini okay? What happened?” You asked and he sighed and looked into your eyes. “My mom got some burgers from a restaurant where peanut oil is used. She didn’t know Rini was allergic and I didn’t check the bag.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?!” You raised your voice and his eyes widened. “Your mom almost killed our son and you blame me for leaving you without any information?” You asked and he looked down guilty. “She didn’t kn—“

“Of course she doesn’t know because all day she was acting like a conceited bitch instead of being a grandmother to her grandkids. She even called me a whore—“

“No she didn’t.” He immediately interrupted. “She didn’t because you stopped her. But that’s what she thinks right? I model for Hana’s company to support her and to build up my self esteem and now I’m a whore? And you had the audacity to talk to me so rudely when I didn’t do anything. If you’re going to be treating me like that then there’s the fucking door. You understand? Never again will I be disrespected by a man.” You said and he had no words.

“You make it seem like I did it on purpose. I was sleep deprived and scared. I felt like I was going to throw up.” Rin squinted his narrow eyes.

“Do you have any idea what I felt when I got a call eight hours away that my son almost died? Imagine how I feel when he calls out to me and I’m not there. I feel like I failed them as a mom, my chest hurts and I’ve always been there. Always. And now I leave them in your hands and something happens and I can’t get there soon? I almost had a panic attack on the drive!” You exclaimed and he stayed silent. He didn’t want to continue fighting. He’s sure the kids are awake and listening to everything.

“I’m sorry.” He said and looked at his hands. He felt defeated and disappointed. You shouldn’t be so hard on him, it’s been less than a month since he took on this role. “Hey look at me.” You called softly, he looked up and you made eye contact once more. “I’m sorry for going off on you like this, I’m just as upset and afraid as you are and I’m sure you haven’t slept much.”

“I could say the same for you, you look like shit.” He cracked a tiny smile and you rolled your eyes with a giggle. “So did your mom eventually decide to be a grandma or she still hates me so she’s not getting close?” You asked. “She went back home to bring some clothes and then to get us some breakfast. I sent her a screenshot of my notes.” He said and you nodded. You obviously still felt uneasy with her, but they deserve a grandma and if she’s being civil you have no reason to take them away from her.

There was a knock at the door and you and Rin immediately turned your heads. “Oh you must be mom..” the doctor said. “Yeah I’m mom.” You said. She explained that Rini stayed longer than usual because he is a child. After a severe allergic reaction there can be aftershocks hours after the person receives treatment and that can lead to a seizure. She praised Rin for quick thinking and following proper steps to insure his child’s safety.

When the doctor left, Rin’s mom waltzes in and she freezes when she sees you. You take a deep breath and release and decide that it’s best to keep quiet. You wouldn’t want a clique animosity between you and your maybe future mother in law.

“I brought Rini some spare clothes.” She said as she opened Rin’s old gym bag. “He doesn’t own that jacket.” You pointed out. Her face flushed slightly, “I know..but this was Rintarou’s favorite jacket when he was his age..I thought it would be nice to wear. I have a lot of Rin’s old baby and child clothes.” She admitted softly, almost scared that you would snap any minute. And you would, so she was wise to walk on eggshells.

“Okay that’s fine.” You gave in. You helped Rini get dressed while Rin was talking to the doctor and getting ready to check out. You walked barefoot down the hall with your pink heels in your right hand, while Akira held your left hand. Rini was holding hands with Suna and Rin’s mom was holding their stuffed animals. She trailed behind you four and saw how you and Rin swung akira with you arms, her little giggles filled the hall releasing serotonin to the patients and nurses nearby.

“Momma aren’t you gonna put your shoes on?” Rini asked, “My feet hurt and I don’t feel like falling.” “But it’s hot outside, you can burn your feet.” Rin spoke up, “I think I’ll be fine.” You assured. He rolled his eyes and let go of the kids. You were about to step on the asphalt of the parking lot after checking both sides and all of a sudden you’re being knocked back from your legs and carried bridal style. “RINTAROU PUT ME DOWN THIS INSTANT.”

“Nah.”

The kids giggled at their parents funny behavior, you kicked the air and squirmed but his grip tightened. “Do you really wanna get down?” He asked and you said yes. He pretended to drop you and you gripped onto his shirt for dear life and he started laughing. “I swear to God I am going to kick you where the sun doesn’t shine.” You muttered. He finally put you down but you were so distracted you were already at your car.

Karin took the kids to her car since the car seats are in there, so now it’s just you and Rin. “You give me a headache.” You told him. “But you love this headache—“ both your eyes widened and he stopped, “—sorry.” He immediately apologized.

You turned away to yawn and you muttered an it’s okay. He opened the car door for you just like old times, much to your dismay and he closed it when you entered. You put on your seatbelt and he fixed the seat and complained at how tiny you were. He was expecting you to fight back and bicker but you were already asleep.

He leaned forward and fixed your head so you wouldn’t hurt your neck. He started the car and began driving back home. He saw the two empty cups of coffee and some energy bar wrappers on the floor. The phone wasn’t playing any music but the volume was up to 20. You must have been so tired driving all last night and the night before for nine straight hours. No wonder you blasted music to keep you up and drank coffee.

He soon made it home and tried waking you up, but you didn’t budge. Not even shaking you work. You were a muttering unconscious mess when he helped you out and carried you bridal style once again. His mom let him in and he told Akira to unroll the futon in the living room since he couldn’t take you upstairs. He successfully placed you down and helped take of your blazer, he thanked god you were wearing an undershirt thanks to akira checking (no somnophilia shit here atm) and he helped unbutton your dress shirt so you wouldn’t feel hot. He put a light blanket over you. “Can’t believe I have to get you ready for bed like a child.” He muttered with a shake of his head. “Silence bottom, it’s mimi’s time.” You said in your sleep.

The kids ate their breakfast in the car as well as Karin. They were already awake and playing with Chewy outside again. “Mom.” He called, “Yes?” She asked from the kitchen. “Can I borrow your makeup wipes?” He asked. She smiled softly, looking out the window to check on the kids. “Yeah go ahead, they’re in the bathroom.”

Rin came back with the wipes and began wiping the makeup off your face. He didn’t want to press too hard to hurt you. But damn, this makeup was hard to take off. Finally you slept comfortably without makeup, without any interruptions. “Sweet dreams, love.” He smiled and moved the hair away from your face.

He stood up and grabbed the bag with all the kids school stuff and sat in the picnic table outside. “Alright you rascals time for school!” He yelled and the kids yelled an okay and went to join their dad.

“Hey dad..” Rini said. “What’s up?” Rin looked at his son, “I love you a lot. To infinity and beyond. Mama says that’s called unconditional love.” He said and Rin smiled with a nod. “Exactly, and I love you two unconditionally as well.” He said and Akira peered up from her work sheet. “Do you love mom unconditionally?” She asked Rintarou.

“Yeah. Yeah I do.”

Fun facts:

Someone asked me to do fun facts and if I had any for future chapters so here I go

The song YN sang is love like you from Steven universe but this is my fav version.

‘Mimi’s’ means sleeping time, Akira didn’t know how to say sleeping when she was a toddler so she would say Mimi’s cuz uncle Oikawa would say “es tiempo de dormir.” Which means ‘it’s time to sleep’. So MIMIS is taken for the ‘mir’ in dormir. (Sorry that was a long explanation) (if you live in a Mexican household then u might usually hear this)

YN drives a Black Honda CR-V (nice mom van) ☺️ while Rin has a White Nissan GT-R but he’s thinking of trading it in for a four door sports car to take the kids and yn along

Rin still has his old black mustang in a garage rental back in Tokyo where he would drive with YN everywhere. He wants to fix it up and gift it to one of his kids when they’re older 🥺

Idk why I’m talking about cars

Rin was a blushing mess when he was getting yn ready for bed and his heart stopped when she snuggled into him

After he admitted he loved YN unconditionally, Akira called him a simp

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[brazilianism]

Momento r/trueoffmychest but sometimes I feel like there's no future in Brazil. I want to be a writer but there's like 2 Brazilian writers who are even slightly famous outside and I've heard that here we only get 10% of the book's profit, which is frankly absurd. I love this country and I love my city and I don't think I could ever call anywhere else home and I really want to go to college for free because I think I can and USP has been my dream university since I was in 6th grade but I have absolutely no perspective of future here. My family even has Portuguese citizenship in case thinks go south and we have to leave. And then I look at what the future looks like outside and I know I'll have to deal with sexism that'll be even worse because they see Brazilian women as whores and possibly xenophobia which is totally insane for me because I'm white but the moment I say something all everyone will hear is a heavy Latino accent that I actually don't want to lose and on top of that there will be the usual homophobia since I'm a lesbian and it'll be really tiring. To top that, the only places where I can be a successful writer seem to be USA and England and even though I absolutely hate USA it is still in America and I kinda dislike England even more (many cases of racism against Brazilians, heard it's hard for a Latino to get a job). And if I go to USA, I'll have to deal with low minimum wage and rent that is impossible to pay and the fear of guns and I'll probably will end up in New York as a writer and it may be a place I really wanna visit but it does seem like an awful place to live unless you're loaded and I also kinda don't want to ever be homeless but it seems like an obligatory experience if you live in USA. So I have to ask. How do you do it? How can a Brazilian who wants more find a place in the world? I'm white and my parents went to college and have enough money to send me to a private high school and this was supposed to make all the doors open for me but really? I can only see the closed ones. And I know I shouldn't complain because it would be 100000% harder if I was black and poor but honestly right now I'm kinda hopeless. If I could choose what country to be born in, I would always choose Brazil, but I feel like being a Brazilian keeps me from being someone.

Shit girl, I get you. It was one of my earliest dreams to be a writer, too. And this might not be super motivational, but I haven't made it, lol but like i'm 24 so no big deal about it either. I mean, I still write my stories every now and then, but being a writer does take a LOT of effort and energy and especially at the times when I hit depressive episodes it was hard to put in all that effort. Luckly for myself I've been granted a head that is happy doing lot's of different stuff, so I've changed paths without it taking a big toll on me and decided to go into the movie/tv bussiness. First I was about to try scriptwriting but I learned scriptwriting takes a fuckton of techinique to learn and I'm not good at it (yet). So i'm more into production and other media areas (and it might be a bitch but there's always social media work around even if it sucks). And I mean, the movie/tv bussiness is also shitty and has huge amounts of competition AND is better in countries I dislike too, but in my head it felt "safer" cause it offers "secondary" jobs that will always be there. But like, that was what I thought at 17. Now I know that every profession has these jobs, you know, not the "dream" jobs, but the decent jobs around the area. So first thing I'd do if I were you would be to do some research in related areas. Like, I don't know, working on magazines as an editor, or journalism, or text review, or even social media work in the writing area (plenty of blogs and SEO to adjust out there), or publicity writing (someone is always hired just to write slogans and texts for billbords, you know), or even scriptwriting as I tried. It's not that you HAVE to follow any of these, but knowing that you could fall back upon any of these professions or work them part time while trying to write your books might give you some peace of mind to give it a try. Second thing I would do is to do more research on brazilian writers, because there are plenty. Yeah, not all of them are Paulo Coelho, but you don't have to be to be able to make a reasonable living or even to keep writing as a part time profession. Find those authors, follow them on social media, ask questions!! Most love to answer when they have time. But what I won't tell you to do is to stop writing, cause if there's one thing I know is that the only way to get better at writing (and ergo have more chances of succeeding) is to keep writing. And look, i'm not telling you this is by any means an easy field, or a regular job, and it's 100% okay to give up if you prioritize these things in life (i'm serious, mental health and peace of mind come first and there's NOTHING wrong with picking a profession that allows for these if that's the case), but what I know about most people that have an undeniable passion for doing something creative and pick something else without being really sure about it is that they always regret it. Most keep getting sucked back to it or end up miserable because they really wanted to be doing something else. So if it's your only dream, you passion for life, girl, you're super young. Your parents can give you a small headstart for a few years (aka you don't have to worry about getting any job in any field just to get by for now). So give it a try. Search the field. Try to put something together. Worst case scenario, you still learned something. It'll land you somewhere. Might even be a good place :)

[catgirlxox]

Why "Alien X-Tinction" Was The Best Possible Conclusion

(To The Ben 10 Franchise as a whole, as of Right Now)

In short, while the Ben 10 Reboot isn't without faults, "Alien X-Tinction" did everything it could to pay tribute to what came before it, and why the Ben 10 Reboot could even be anywhere near successful for it's intended audience and for modern age of Cartoon Network.

*Obvious spoiler warning ahead.*

Main Reasons

To begin with the obvious, emphasis being made on the existence of the Omniverse (something I feel like the majority hadn't paid enough attention to during and after the last iteration) was important for several reasons. For instance, confirming what I've been saying all this time! And effectively knocking down certain misconceptions about unfinished or uncertain topics left behind in the previous show. So I really appreciated that.

It gave, at least me, a sense of closure, even though I feel Omniverse's final episode, "A New Dawn", had tried to do that, as well.

Anyway, in doing that, they brought back the original continuity, in honor of what the fans wanted, but the main focus was still on the three main characters (Ben, Gwen, and Max) - something that I've heard a lot of the fandom say was their favourite thing about the series when it first started: going on a family road trip with the occasion alien adventure.

Again, giving the people what they want, while remaining within the confines of what Cartoon Network or the higher ups probably directed them to do with the new series.

It's a compromise that satisfies everyone.

I also can't help but notice they included a limited amount of characters. I'd even say specifically the "fan favourites."

I bring this up because a lot of newer characters and character dynamics introduced in the later installations of the series weren't always well received. AKA, characters like Kai Green (especially her relationship with Ben), or even the way Gwen and Kevin were portrayed in everything following the OS (including their eventual romance).

As such, the special stuck to its roots and gave us something purely "Ben 10": action-packed and focusing on family bonds. Rather than including any other side themes people are divided on. Media like this is made for the people who will watch it, after all.

Notable Mentions

I don't know if anyone else picked up on this, but - characterization consistency with the previous shows! AF Ben was written decently serious like his "mature" self (as the fandom loves to praise him for being). And, UA Ben came in obviously much more sure of himself, which is also consistent with the transition from season three of Alien Force to his rise to fame during Ultimate Alien.

Speaking of characterization, this was AF Ben's reaction to Alternate Max's criticism of reboot Ben, calling him out for being, as he said, "a stubborn brat." Personally I think that's a little harsh, but regardless, it's almost as if he knows what that's like, or something. Interesting touch on the producers' part.

Even if they didn't use a whole lot of aliens, the animators did also go the extra mile in recreating the previous designs for the each of the aliens the alternate Bens used. And, some of the transformation scenes from the previous shows too, as a call back for those who might remember.

Things like this make it clear to me that the producers did their research in the production of new Ben 10 content.

Responding to Criticism

Since the reboot is what it is, I'll expect it to get a whole lot of criticism anyway. But the most common complaints I've heard so far are regarding UA Ben not turning into any ultimate aliens, and the use of Alien X's powers being underwhelming.

In the interest of trying to see what the producers might have had in mind, I thought that, since a younger version of himself was present, UA Ben using the ultimate feature would spoil the near future for AF Ben, and therefore might change the path he takes moving forward. Hence him using aliens from the UA era, like Amphibian, but not ultimates.

I would argue it was done to maintain consistency in the original continuity, as well as the way the Omniverse was set up to work.

As for the alternate evil Ben's "nerfed" use of Alien X, well, I've got a theory about that too. First of all, he's not Ben Prime. He's clearly been through a lot of hardship, and it's taken a toll on his mental state, outlook on the hero life, moral compass, and general wellbeing.

His whole plan was created out of revenge and anger. He wasn't thinking straight. How can you expect him to ultimately defeat everyone with that kind of handicap? Even if he had god powers - he was using them though a cloud of negative human emotions.

Powerscaling isn't really my thing, but I'm sure there was something more he could do if he was seriously set on accomplishing his goal without clouded judgement.

As for myself, my only criticism is regarding why they couldn't just draw the UAF jacket and the Ultimatrix right. It's upside down for...seemingly no reason, lol. But I can look past it, I guess. It was just cool to see Ben Prime again.

All three of him, that is.

[css1992]

Guilty Pleasure

[Porn AU]

Summary: Peter and Beck used to be a power couple in the porn industry, but after Beck dumps him, Peter is forced to start over. With no money, no family and nowhere to go, he doesn’t have much choice other than to keep doing porn, so he joins Just4Fans to get back on his feet and then one day he gets a very generous tip from someone under the username of YKWIM.

All the warnings listed on Part I apply.

Read on AO3

Part I / Part II / Part III / Part IV / Part V / Part VI / Part VII / Part VIII / Part IX / Part X /  Part XI / Epilogue

-x-

The last couple of weeks of May flew by, soon June arrived and with it even more sunny days and warmer temperatures. Peter couldn’t help but think that his life fell apart in the winter, and as summer approached, it was slowly getting back on track. He was able to save a decent amount of money every month, his apartment was coming together – he even had a dinner table and chairs by the second week of June –, he was taking on more responsibility at BFF way quicker than expected and he was happier, in general.

He felt comfortable enough to make plans again – with the steady money he was making, he might be able to give up porn in a couple of years and he would still be eligible to apply for some of BFF’s grants and scholarships, meaning he may be able to go to college at 23, after all. Money would be tight for a while, but it was doable. He could always work part-time to supplement his income as well.

Summer also brought some unexpected good news. On a random Thursday morning, he was bombarded with messages on Twitter and Instagram from people asking where they could find his videos now that Beck’s channel was down. He was confused at first, but when he went to check, the channel wasn’t there, it had disappeared from the site.

He gasped. For a total of five seconds, his mind went wild, his heart raced, and his eyes watered. For those five seconds, he felt a mixture of happiness, relief and confusion, knowing those videos weren’t out there anymore, couldn’t be found, couldn’t be seen, couldn’t be remembered. But it was only for five blissful seconds. When his brain turned back on and the first rush of excitement died down, he realized that probably wouldn’t last.

That had happened before, when they first started posting. People mass reported the videos and the channel until they got taken down, because Peter looked very young at eighteen. They had to send a picture of his ID to the website for check several times, it was months before it stopped happening once and for all. Peter assumed Beck was posting videos of his new boyfriend, who he knew looked very young, so it was probably just a misunderstanding and only a matter of time until he got the channel – and the videos – back up.

Still, he allowed himself to count that as a win and couldn’t help but feeling giddy all day, to the point where everybody noticed his good mood – Ned, MJ, people at BFF and Tony.

Tony, who didn’t disappear. As days and nights and weeks went by, Peter stopped waiting for it to happen.

“Someone is awfully cheery today.” The older man grinned at him from the driver’s side that night, as Peter sang along to Ed Sheeran, because it was his turn to choose the playlist. Tony had picked him up from BFF and they were heading to his place for a quiet night in.

“It’s a good day, Tony.” He shot back after the chorus of Put it All on Me and the older man beamed, the corners of his eyes crinkling up.

“It sure is, kitten.” He turned up the volume and Peter sang even louder, causing Tony to burst out laughing.

At some point, he realized life was a little less complicated than he gave it credit for. He realized that if he actually gave things the precise amount of thought they deserved, not everything felt like the end of the world. The minute he decided to just let things happen the way they were supposed to happen, without overthinking every detail, life got so much easier.

He decided not to make the thing with Tony a big deal. Sure, when he thought about it for more than two minutes, it seemed like a huge fucking deal, he was basically dating Tony Stark, one of the richest men in the world, Iron Man himself, the man who had literately saved half the universe from extinction not even two years earlier. So, yes, that seemed like a big fucking deal, but–

But.

To him, he was just Tony. This charming guy who texted him daily to ask about his day and crack acid jokes about his business associates. This kind guy who sent him chocolates when he was feeling down and cooked him dinner every weekend and made sure to e-mail him easy and healthy recipes so he wouldn’t starve to death. This gentle guy who called him beautiful and touched him with such care that he forgot how many hands had left bruises on his skin before.

When he forgot everything Tony was supposed to be and just focused on everything that he was to him, what they had seemed so simple and pure.

He stopped worrying about labels, too. In the beginning, he kept stressing about what they had, what was expected of him, what he expected of Tony, but eventually, he decided none of that mattered. They made each other feel good, they made each other happy, they made each other better, all in all, whatever label he could put on their relationship wouldn’t make any difference, so he let it go.

Weeks later, Peter heard Beck had managed to get the channel back up, only for it to get taken down again in a few hours, then his Instagram and Twitter also disappeared. He wasn’t too surprised, and if he was honest with himself, it was fun imagining Beck losing his mind as he tried to fix it. After all, every day the channel was down, he was losing money. And his social media, specially his Twitter account, was where he promoted his content to thousands of followers, so losing that meant losing money as well, and if there was one thing Peter knew Beck loved, it was money.

He wondered what the fuck the man had done to piss people off like that, it was clearly a coordinated attack, but he wasn’t curious enough to try and find out what happened. He would rather watch from a distance, rejoicing in the satisfaction it gave him to imagine that maybe, just maybe, one of those days Beck wouldn’t be able to get the channel back up and would have to start from scratch, like Peter did. And maybe then he wouldn’t re-upload his videos – that part was a little harder to believe, but who knew, stranger things had happened.

When June came to an end, Peter was surprised with a notification from Tony on Just4Fans. He had almost forgot the man was still subscribed to his account there, they obviously never chatted on the app anymore, and when he opened the notification, his blood ran cold in his veins.

It was a tip.

A hundred thousand dollars tip.

He couldn’t fucking believe it. A tip? For what, a job well done? It wasn’t like Peter was – what did that even mean? Was Tony trying to say something with that, send some kind of message?

He decided not to call him right away, he was too – upset. The older man was picking him up later that evening for dinner, so he decided to wait. Whatever he had to say to him, he wanted to hear it in person. He wanted him to look in his eyes and tell him he thought he was his fucking wh–

“What is the meaning of this?” He asked as soon he got in his car, avoiding the kiss that came his way. Tony blinked in surprise, trying to understand why he got a phone shoved in his face instead of a kiss, and then he finally saw what that was all about.

“Oh, that–“ But before he could answer anything, Peter interrupted.

“I told you I’m not – Tony, why would you – this is so insulting!” He was honestly at a loss for words. They had been seeing each other for almost two months by then, things were going great, they met every week, they made apple pie together, for God’s sake, had he misunderstood all the signs?

“My God, Peter, that’s not that, I just thought – I mean, I’m a billionaire, you know this is pocket change for me, right?” Peter gasped, shocked, and Tony’s eyes widened when he fumbled with the door handle. “Wait! I didn’t mean – Jesus, okay, hold on a second, please!” Tony reached over him to shut the door before Peter could get out of the car. The young man turned to look at him with tears in his eyes and Tony looked incredulous when he leaned back and ran a hand through his hair. “Don’t just assume the worst, have I given you any reason for that?” He sounded hurt, which made Peter gulp. He took a few calming breaths and shook his head slowly.

“No,” he whispered, dropping his gaze.

“Ok, good.” He actually sounded relieved at that. “I am a billionaire, Peter, and this is pocket change for me, which means –“ he raised his voice a little, predicting a reaction from him that didn’t come, “I didn’t realize this would be such a big deal. For me, it’s like giving you, I don’t know, flowers. I didn’t mean this as a payment for whatever you think this is, I just thought this would be a good help. You’re starting your life now, you have that list of yours that you don’t let me see, you’re saving up money, you have your plans for college, I just meant to help. I mean, if we weren’t together, I would have tipped you every month, so I thought –“

“But we are together, Tony, I –“ he was a little calmer then, because that was, in fact, a reasonable explanation and he shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions. “Look, I appreciate the gesture, but next time you mean to give me flowers, just give me flowers! I believe you have the best intentions at heart, but it’s just weird for me. I don’t want this to be about money. I just – don’t want that, okay?”

He gazed at the older man as he gaped at him, mouth opening and closing, but no sound came out for a while.

“I just thought – I mean, people usually –“ It was unusual to see Tony speechless like that, but the man shook his head and looked back at him, almost embarrassed. “I just want to help you.”

“Are you kidding me?” Peter poked him in the arm, trying to lighten up the mood in the car. “You’re teaching me how to cook. Yesterday I made an omelet and I only burned one side, I’m getting good at this. That’s a big help.”

Tony didn’t laugh at his joke, like he usually did, he just gazed at him with an unreadable expression, before leaning in to kiss him, which Peter gladly reciprocated.

“I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable,” he whispered, then, resting his forehead against his.

“And I’m sorry I was rude. It won’t happen again,” he promised, and he meant it.

After that night, he removed Tony from his Just4Fans, which came as a blow to the older man, who pouted and whined for about a week, only stopping when Peter showed up at his place one Saturday wearing Iron Man lingerie under his clothes – it was supposed to be a joke, but it worked surprisingly well for Tony.  

By July, it became impossible to keep sneaking around Ned and MJ, as the dates became more frequent. Peter decided to tell them that he had met someone online and that they were getting to know each other. He told them it was nothing serious yet and if it became serious, they would meet him.

He did have to throw in a few lies to get them off his back – he definitely had to lie about Tony’s age to avoid certain comparisons, but he would cross that bridge when he got to it, if he ever got to it. He wasn’t sure if or when he was going to tell them the whole truth, but for the time being, he  felt more comfortable keeping that relationship to himself.

He and Tony didn’t go out much, but when they did, it was always to fancy and discreet restaurants with private rooms; Tony was, after all, a celebrity for all intents and purposes, and at if the press got a whiff of them there would be no secret left to keep.

But staying in with Tony was far from boring. They cooked together and the older man taught him all of his grandmother’s secret recipes – Peter could never replicate them by himself at home, but it was still fun trying. They spent almost all of their time down in the workshop, though, where Tony  had him do menial tasks, like screwing bolts or reaching for a part inside an Iron Man suit. He said his tiny hands were useful for his projects.

He knew he wasn’t really that useful, but he loved when Tony included him and asked for his help, even though he didn’t really need it. He was fascinated by everything the older man taught him in those moments and in turn Tony always looked proud and pleased when Peter put his lessons to use.

He didn’t mind keeping him company when Tony was focused on projects he couldn’t help with, he stayed there anyway, reading a book or watching TV on the tiny couch – Tony kept saying he was going to get a bigger one, but he didn’t believe it, he knew the older man enjoyed the fact that the only way they could fit comfortably on it was if Peter was lying half on top of him.

So after several weeks, they established a little routine of their own. Since Tony had a busy schedule and Peter was still trying to keep Ned and MJ somewhat in the dark, they didn’t meet that often on week days, but they always talked on the phone before bed. On Thursdays, Tony picked him up after his shift at BFF and he spent the night at his place. They had breakfast together on Fridays and then they met again every Saturday after lunch, and finally Tony dropped him back off home every Sunday evening, so he could have dinner with his friends.

In August, for the first time in his life, Peter had two birthday celebrations. One with his friends, when the three of them went bar-hopping and he got home so hammered he had absolutely no idea how they managed to climb the stairs, and another with Tony, when he decorated the workshop with  balloons and put party hats on Dum-E and U.

“Surprise!” He yelled lamely, throwing confetti at Peter when they stepped into the workshop. The younger man laughed, delighted, as Tony hurried to the kitchenette and came back with something in his hands. “I know it doesn’t look good, but I promise it tastes good. Probably.” When Peter looked down, he noticed it was a large chocolate cake with ‘Happy Birthday, kitten’ written on it in bright pink icing. It looked so ugly, but it was so beautiful at the same time. “What did I do now?” Tony frowned, face falling.

He blinked a few times and when he touched his cheeks, he realized he was crying.

“I’m sorry, I’m just – really happy.” He grinned, pulling the older man’s face to give him a kiss. “Thank you.”

It was late October when Tony told him he had to go on a trip to China for two weeks, and even though it wasn’t his first work trip since they started dating, five months earlier, it would be by far the longest one since then, so it was kind of a big deal. Still, he didn’t expect to feel so affected, but on the days leading up to it he was so upset he couldn’t hide it.

They spent their last Sunday together wrapped up in each other doing absolutely nothing. They slept in, Tony brought Peter breakfast in bed, which was rewarded with a lazy and sloppy blow job, and they spent all day in bed, only getting up for essentials, like food and water. They didn’t even turn on the TV, they didn’t even talk much. They just held each other and exchanged slow, tender kisses until their bodies were too warm to stay under the sheets.

Tony ran a bath for them and got in the tub – it was big enough for eight people, but Peter made a point to sit in his lap, clinging to him like a koala. He felt Tony’s arms encircle him gently, as he rested his chin on top of his head.

“I’ll be home before you even have time to miss me, kitten.” He whispered, and those were the first words either of them had said in at least a few hours.

Peter didn’t tell him that was impossible since he already missed him, instead he just held him even tighter.

After the bath water went cold, they climbed out of the tub and Tony insisted on drying him, before dressing him in one of his own T-shirts, even though Peter had a multitude of spare clothes in his closet. He sat in bed, watching Tony pack a huge suitcase that reminded him just how long he would be gone for. He sulked a little – just a little – and that earned him a little kiss on his forehead, which was enough to undo the frown between his brows.

Finally, in the evening, Tony parked his car in front of Peter’s building, turning to look at him with an almost pained smile, before leaning in for a kiss.

“I’m gonna miss you,” Peter whispered against his mouth and felt when Tony’s lips stretched into a small smile. He pulled away a little, just enough to look into his eyes, and cupped his chin in his hand.

“I’ll miss you too, but I won’t be long, ok? It’s just a few days.” He pecked Peter’s lips one more time for good measure and the younger man nodded.

“Call me if you have time.”

“Of course, kitten, every day.” He leaned in for another kiss, this one longer than the previous, and Peter’s heart fluttered. He took a deep breath and slowly let it out, containing the urge to say those three words that had been trapped in the back of his throat for weeks.

“Have a safe trip. Let me know when you land.”

“I will, baby.”

Peter got out of the car and waved, watching as it disappeared down the street. He sighed and his heart ached, he already missed Tony and it had only been a few seconds, how was he going to survive fifteen whole days? It seemed impossible. It was crazy to think how far they had come since March, when they talked for the first time. It seemed like a lifetime ago.

He turned to go inside, but froze in place when he heard a familiar voice.

“So that’s why you’ve been ignoring me, huh? How rude.” He turned slowly to the left, only to be met with Beck’s cocky, arrogant smile, just a few feet away from him. “I tried calling, I tried texting, you’ve blocked me everywhere, I can’t even e-mail you anymore, it appears.” Beck walked slowly and leaned against the rails of the stairs to Peter’s building and the younger man curled his hands in fists, trying to control the urge to just run. “Long time no see, Petey-pie.”

He was paralyzed, muscles rigid, but to his own surprise, it wasn’t fear that he felt, or sadness. It was pure anger.  

“I wonder why,” he answered quietly, but firmly. Beck’s eyebrows shot up to his hairline, before the smile was back in place. “How did you find me?” He demanded, because Beck had never cared to ask where Peter was going to stay after he kicked him out, so how in the hell would he know where to find him?

“Wasn’t easy, I have been following you on Instagram, some of your morning run routes seemed familiar, so I–”

“You stalked me?” He frowned, taking a step closer to the other man, who looked at Peter with indignation and hurt. He shook his head, softened those baby blue eyes and placed one hand over his chest, right above where his heart would have been if he had one.

“I just wanted to see you, is all.” He shrugged, dropping his gaze to stare at his own feet, and Peter wanted to roll his eyes. It was so weird watching his whole act now that the spell had been lifted.

“What do you want?” He asked, making the older man’s head snap back up, a little surprised by his cold tone.

“I just told you, I wanted to see you. I missed you.” He took a few steps towards Peter, who in turn walked backwards to keep his distance

“You missed me?” He scoffed, shaking his head. “Where’s your new boy-toy, you put him away so you could come play with me?” He cocked his head to the side and, for a moment, he could see the shock crossing his features.

“Pete… Why are you acting like this, it’s like I don’t even know you anymore...” His voice broke and he looked away, pretending to wipe away a tear. He wondered how the hell he used to fall for that.

“You don’t, Quentin. I’m not a lost little boy anymore, you should go back to your boyfriend. Or is he smarter than me and dumped you already? Is that what this is all about?” He narrowed his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest, and Beck’s mouth hung open like he couldn’t believe his words.

“I made a mistake, Pete. After so many years, I took you for granted, I couldn’t see what I saw the first time I met you. I couldn’t see how beautiful you were, how caring and loving you were, how loyal and reliable and – I don’t know, I was blind. I was so stupid, I shouldn’t have left you.” His eyes were wide, earnest, shining with unshed tears. His face was open, even his body language screamed honesty. Suddenly, he didn’t feel so bad about falling for his act – Beck was good. “Don’t  you miss me, baby? Don’t you miss us?”

Peter snorted, shaking his head, he couldn’t believe the nerve of that man.

“You made a mistake, huh? So you dumped your new boy, right? If I were to go home with you right now, he wouldn’t be there, waiting for you, like a fucking plan B, in case this doesn’t go your way. Right?” It was his turn to take a few steps towards the older man. “Like I was your plan B while you waited for him to turn 18?”

“Peter, c’mon–“

“Is he there, Beck? Just answer me that. Come on, if he’s not, I’ll take you back right now, we can go home together.” He insisted, looking into the older man’s eyes, but he didn’t say anything, he just sighed. “Of course he is. If I said yes, what would you do? Tell him to pack his things in the middle of the night and leave? Would you keep all the money he’s made you and tell him to fuck off? Would you leave him broke and lonely and fucking lost in this world? Would you tell him that he wasn’t good enough and dispose of him like he’s fucking garbage?” His voice grew louder and louder, and when he came to himself, he noticed he was in Beck’s face, their chests almost touching, so he took a step back. “So to answer your question, Quentin, no, I don’t fucking miss you. You fucking ruined me!”

“I saved you!” And just like that, the good guy act was gone. His whole demeanor changed, the soft baby blues widened, his mouth was set in a sneer, he puffed out his chest to intimidate him, but Peter stood his ground. “Don’t pretend you don’t remember who you were before me. You were a fucking loser! An orphan, no family, no friends, no future! I took you in, I took care of you, I gave you a profession – don’t fucking roll your eyes, what the fuck are you doing now, huh? Rocket science? ‘Cause it seems to me like you’re still doing porn, and now you’re clearly branching out into prostitution, would you look at that!”

“You have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about!” He placed his hands on the man’s chest and pushed him away when he got too fucking close for comfort. He held his breath when he realized what he had done, afraid of the man’s reaction, but he just kept his distance.  

“You know what? Fuck you, Peter. I was wrong about you, I thought I knew who you were, I thought I missed you, but you’re just a disgusting fucking whore, after all. You’re a dirty little bitch in heat who likes to get this loose hole of yours fucked by old perverts, I don’t know why I’m surprised, I mean, that’s why I dumped you, you were enjoying those videos a little bit too much for my taste. You weren’t even satisfied with two cocks up your ass, one in your mouth and a line of men waiting to fuck you. You disgust me.” He started walking away, and Peter wanted to say something, he wanted to yell at him and defend himself, he wanted to tell him he didn’t fucking enjoy it, he wanted to tell him that it was all his fault, he threw him to the lions, he let those men fucking–

Fuck!

He rushed inside the building and ran upstairs, eyes clouded with tears. He tripped and fell knees first on the steps, but he didn’t even feel pain, he just got up and kept going, kept running, trying to put as much distance between him and Beck as he could, even though it was irrational. Beck was gone, he walked away, he left him, he left him again, he wasn’t coming back–

“Ned?!” He knocked urgently on his friends’ door. He didn’t have his spare key, it was upstairs in his own apartment, but he couldn’t trust himself to go all the way up there and down again without having a full on panic attack. “MJ?! Are you guys home?!” He was really trying not to sound too desperate, he didn’t want to scare them, but it was hard controlling his emotions when his heart was hammering against his chest and he couldn’t fucking breathe.

“Peter?” It was MJ who yanked the door open. She had a towel wrapped around her torso, her hair was wet, and Peter felt guilty, but she took one look at him and quickly pulled him into a hug. “My God, Peter...” She whispered into his hair when he started sobbing uncontrollably on her naked shoulder. “Come on in, c’mon.” He heard the door closing behind him, but he didn’t let go of her, he felt like if he did, he wouldn’t be able to hold himself together.  

He wanted to tell her not to worry, that she should go finish her shower and change, but he really, really needed her right then. She sat down on the couch, pulling him with her and he promptly laid down, burying his face in her legs. He couldn’t stop crying and sobbing and no matter how many times she asked him what was wrong, sounding increasingly more worried, he couldn’t get his feelings under control enough to give her any answer.

He was there for what felt like hours, when at some point someone lifted him from MJ’s lap and enveloped him in such a tight hug he couldn’t breath for a second, but he sighed in relief, it was right what he needed. Ned’s arms felt like home, it calmed him down almost instantly – his voice whispering that it was fine, everything was going to be okay helped a lot, too.

“I hate him, I hate him so fucking much,” he mumbled into his shoulder, God knew how much time later, and his friend just hummed, patting his back. “I hate that he made a mess of me and I let him.” He couldn’t hold back more tears when he said that, because it was true, it was so fucking true. He let Beck do whatever he wanted to him, he let him ruin his dreams, his future, his fucking personality, until he was nothing but a shell of what he used to be.

“I know, Peter, I know,” Ned soothed him, rubbing his back, even though he probably had no idea what he was talking about. “It’s okay now. You’re okay. It’s over”

“I made tea.” MJ’s quiet voice sounded somewhere from his right and when he turned to look at her, she was already dressed, wet hair up in a bun, with a mug in her hands, which she extended to him. He accepted it but didn’t dare to take a sip, he was positive that if he did, he would throw up, his stomach was all kinds of fucked up at that moment. “Peter, what happened? Did Star – uh, did your boyfriend do something? Did he hurt? ‘Cause I swear to God–” Just the mention of Tony being the cause of his distress made him sick, so he cut her off.

“Beck was here.” He sniffed, looking at the mug to avoid their eyes when he heard both of them gasping.

“Beck? Beck was here? Fucking Beck?” MJ screeched and he nodded.

“He was waiting for me outside.” He rubbed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to gather enough energy to have that conversation.  

“What did he want?” Ned asked calmly, while MJ paced the floor, furious.

“I don’t know...” He shrugged, wrecking his brain to try and figure out what his motive was. “His channel got taken down a few weeks ago and he couldn’t get it back up. I heard he had to start over.” He hadn’t been watching that closely, but he knew something was wrong, even his Twitter and Instagram accounts kept getting taken down almost monthly, it was impossible he was making any money over the past few months. “He said he wanted to get back together, probably because he thinks us making up would be a big hit or whatever. I said no, of course. He didn’t like the answer.”

“Did he hurt you?!” MJ strode back to him until she was standing right in front of him, looking into his eyes. He was almost intimidated by her.

“No, he just… Said some pretty shitty things, is all,” he answered sheepishly, because he hated that that man could still make a mess of him with just a few hurtful words.

“Oh, dude. He’s just mad he’s lost control over you. Whatever he said, he just wanted to hurt you, it doesn’t mean anything.” Ned placed an arm around his shoulders, pulling him closer, and Peter rested his head against his, sighing.

“I know. He was always like that, you know,” he whispered, as flashes of memories crossed his mind. “When I didn’t bend to his wishes, when I didn’t do things his way, he fucking–“ He squeezed his eyes shut, furious, because he had fallen for that again. “He tries to charm me and when it doesn’t work, he attacks me. But the thing is, he really knows what to say to destroy me. It just sucks. But it’s fine. I just need a moment, I’ll be fine.” He sat up straight and looked both of his friends in the eyes.

“Yes, you will. You most certainly will.” Ned patted his shoulder one last time, getting up from the couch. “Why don’t you lie down for a second, huh? I’m making dinner, I’ll even try one of those recipes your mystery boyfriend taught you.” Just the mention of Tony made him breathe a little easier, even though he wouldn’t be able to see him for a while.

“Okay.” He nodded, smiling softly. MJ took Ned’s place on the couch and he lay down, placing his head on her legs, as she ran her fingers through his hair. He sighed contently and closed his eyes, feeling exhausted. He was close to drifting off when he heard Ned gasp.

“Oh my God,” He breathed quietly from the kitchen and both Peter and MJ looked at him curiously from over the back of the couch.

“What?” She didn’t look too worried, but Peter was concerned about how pale he was.

“Ned, what’s wrong?” He frowned, watching Ned’s horrified expression looking at his phone like it was a murder scene. He raised his eyes and gulped.

“Peter is trending on Twitter,” he whispered, after a while.

“What?!” They both hurried over to the kitchen counter, and the first thing Peter saw when he looked at his phone was a picture of him and Tony in his car, kissing. As Ned scrolled down, more pictures showed up, but not only that, clips of his old videos were all over Twitter, people knew his full name, his real name, and they were making all sorts of comments. Iron Man, Tony Stark, Peter Parker, sex worker, prostitute and porn were trending.

The room was completely silent for a whole minute, before MJ turned on the TV.

“… appear that Tony Stark, former CEO of Stark Industries and retired Avenger, was seen kissing a young man in his car earlier this evening. The person in the pictures seems to be one Peter Parker, a twenty-one year old porn actor, who is also said to work as a prostitute…”

Peter’s heart sank to the bottom of his stomach, his vision blurred and he felt bile rising in his throat. He took a deep breath and got up from the couch, ears ringing, as he rushed to the front door.  He heard his friends yelling something, but he couldn’t make out their words, and he just couldn’t deal with all that right then and there.

“I, uhm, I gotta go,” he called from over his shoulder, slamming the door shut on his way out.

As he ran upstairs, vision blurred by tears and chest hurting, begging for oxygen, he couldn’t help but remember his life fell apart in the winter. And fall would be over soon.

-x-

So... It appears that someone has lost the ability to write short chapters... 

Anyways, only three more chapters to go!  🥳

Tag list (please let me know if you’d like to be added or removed from the list):  @sadachmesarthim @iamnotparticularlyproud @staticwhispersinthedark @bluestarker @ whyisthisathingcb

[theshapeofhorror]

Comparing and contrasting Halloween 2′s Michael Myers to Halloween 1978′s

After re-reading this: warning. Snark about / towards Halloween 2 ahead.

Halloween 2′s portrayal of Michael is an oddity to me. I constantly see other sequels trashed for their portrayal of Michael, yet never this one - even though, from a writing point of view, this is really where the train started to derail from its tracks. The writing of Halloween 2 is an absolute mess and Michael is no exception to that - don’t get me wrong, I have crazy amounts of nostalgia for this movie and I love Dick Warlock as Michael Myers, but if I’m being honest, this portrayal fails to capture any of the original movie’s fascination and quite simply doesn’t work as a good continuation of Halloween 1978′s Michael.

(There is one scene I’d call an exception to that, but it can’t carry the rest of the writing / portrayal / movie on its own.)

Let’s get into it.

1. The good - The costume

One major reason why I think this portrayal is quite well-liked amongst fans is that, unlike a lot of the other sequels, it got Michael’s looks right. It’s honestly super wild to me that I have to cite this as a positive - this is a character who doesn’t talk and gets defined by his looks and body language. Insane that for most of the sequels they failed to get this basic yet crucial aspect of the character right. But anyway... 

All snark aside, Michael does look pretty great in this movie. I chose that screenshot of a side-view specifically to highlight the following: they actually had someone play the character whose physique and height fit Nick Castle’s from the original movie. The mask is the same, if grittier/dirtier (which works, considering he rolled around in the grass after getting shot and all), and also big points for continuity - you can actually see the bloody holes in the coveralls where Loomis shot Michael at the end of Halloween / start of this movie. The coverall looks good, too. 

Based on looks alone this portrayal doesn’t disappoint and actually happens to be one of my favourite in the whole franchise. (I’m especially partial to that scene where Michael stabs Laurie’s empty bed.)

This movie, quite different than Halloween 1978, isn’t afraid to give the viewer full-on frontal shots of Michael, starting right from before his first kill less than ten minutes into the runtime all the way up to the end. In a way I feel this detracts from the tension, but I can see why they did it - they probably thought “Hell, the viewers know what he looks like anyway if they saw the first movie, might as well”. 

2. The good p.2 - Throwbacks to Halloween 1978

I don’t consider this a necessity, but some easter eggs / throwbacks are always appreciated (by me). Halloween 2 in parts does a pretty good job of capturing and recreating some of those iconic moments.

The first 15-ish minutes of this movie in general are, thematically, almost a 1:1 of Halloween’s intro scene; we get a long POV shot of Michael lurking around and watching Loomis (Judith), then Michael picks up his weapon of choice, then the first kill (stabbing with a knife). Though this is also where Halloween 2 quite diverges from the beaten path in some ways, in giving us a full-frontal of Michael and the mask and a close-up of his eyes.

3. The bad - Different way of killing

Objectively, if I strictly view this movie as a slasher, this isn’t a negative, and I think most people don’t take it as such. I sort of don’t either - the kills in Halloween 2 are visually impressive, creative, and have some nice gore. (I love the syringe kill, for example - the lighting / visual ambience in that scene is awesome.)

However... they don’t fit the character of Michael as established in Halloween 1978. In that movie Michael kills for gratification, because he gets something out of it. The kills are drawn-out, have long build-up with extended stalking, and all relate to choking the victim in some way or form. Michael only chokes one character in the entirety of Halloween 2, and that guy doesn’t even die from it. There are no vocalizations either. That’s not to say that Michael can’t change his motivations for killing or change his character - but Halloween 2 takes place during the same night as the original movie.

It’s simply unbelievable that Michael, who, at the end of Halloween 1978, still tried to go for choking Laurie despite her having escaped and injured him, would suddenly throw all of that out the window and stab Alice’s throat mere minutes after the end of the first movie. Unless...

4. The bad p.2 - Different motivation for killing

... they went back and changed his whole motivation for killing.

Which they did. And it’s flimsy writing at best.

So, Michael’s motivation for killing in this movie is getting to Laurie. He’s somehow connected to the idea / spirit of Samhain now and wants to end his family line, or so the movie (and later sequels) make it seem. Most of the other victims kick the bucket because they might end up between him and her in the hospital. As for why he kills Alice and some of the others that technically wouldn’t have? No idea. I guess maybe he still enjoys killing, but really, I only assume that because of the context of Halloween 1978. This movie doesn’t do anything to prove / hint that he does, aside from the hot tub scene which feels almost out of character compared to the rest of the portrayal.

5. The bad p.3 - Don’t fix a thing that isn’t broken

A rule that Halloween 2 doesn’t give a damn about. This movie doesn’t even try to continue Halloween 1978 in this regard. Michael was after Laurie from the start because they’re siblings now, even if neither him nor Laurie ever even interact with that tidbit. It might as well not be in Halloween 2, but it changes a lot for the original movie. You get a certain sense of retcon when you look too closely, something I have never enjoyed in any form of media.

Though it has to be said that I neither hate the idea of a more supernatural Michael nor the sibling plotline itself. Some other entries to the franchise explored the second one to decent / great effect (RZ1, H20) and the Thorn trilogy (Halloween 4-6) is my absolute guilty pleasure among slasher movies.

6. The bad p.4 - Robo / Zombie Michael

This isn’t a knock on Dick Warlock as an actor at all. Some of the earlier Michael scenes of this movie show that he can give a convincing portrayal of the character.

He has the stiff spine and lack of shoulder movement.

The confidence.

And the fluidity. (I like the oddly fitting description of Michael from the otherwise questionable ‘78 novelization: his gait was quick and graceful for a big man)

Really, what happens mostly in the last act of the movie is something I personally think should be blamed on direction and writing - Michael chasing Laurie through the hospital at a snail’s speed isn’t only based on acting. The script determines that he walk over very slowly and swing at her legs when she climbs up the pipes, the script determines he swing like a zombie at empty air after Laurie shoots his eyes. 

Nevertheless, and whoever is to blame, Halloween 2 features zombie!Michael.

As well as robo!MIchael. (Despite how good he might look in that scene)

And it just doesn’t fit anything we saw in that first movie.

7. In conclusion

Michael Myers in Halloween 2 is a very, very different character than we saw in Halloween 1978. He has different motivations, kills for different reasons, no longer threads the line between human and supernatural but instead full-on crosses it; he moves differently, kills differently. He fails to be a continuation of the original Michael; he’s more his own character than anything else.

Halloween 2, apart from the hot tub scene, doesn’t manage to capture the fascinating “evil, fucked up psychopath threading into supernatural territory at times but still displays decidedly human behavior and quirks” nature of the character of Michael Myers; it feels empty and flat compared to the original movie, and it paved the way for the absolute mess that some of those later sequels / portrayals of Michael would turn out to be.

However... it is a portrayal that’s easy to simp / thirst for, as Dick Warlock happens to be a very attractive man who looks great in the Michael Myers costume. And, also, the hot tub scene exists. :)

[jmeddows2]

Purple Thunder finale (Roger Taylor Series)

(present/old) Roger Taylor series

Notes: ATTENTION: it is here! after almost half a year, the finale of purple thunder is here! If you’re still sticking around, thank you, I love you! I hope this one isn’t too cringey for you all, it sure as hell is for me! I hope it lives up to your expectations (at least a little). As always let me know how you like it, shoot me a dm, ask, anything. I love hearing from you. 

PS. this contains song lyircs of: The Pretty Reckless - Kill me;  Greta van Fleet - Safari Song & Taylor Swift - Call it what you want to. 

english is not my first language, sorry for mistakes. Also, I didn’t proof read much - bare with me please. 

Words: 4,3+k

Warnings: cursing? none else, it’s fluffy and cringey, whatever ;’)

*flashback to two years ago*

"Not very subtle is it?“

"What are you saying?“ you looked up to see Rufus looking over shoulder to read along the scribbled lines written on your notepad.

"drugs, bars, backseats of cars, blowing boys?“ he read chuckling his way to take a seat on the couch beside you.

"It‘s Rock 'N Roll what do you expect“ you laughed pulling your feet up to rest them on his thighs.

"Now who‘s the child of a fucking rock legend out of the two of us?“

"You know, if I didn‘t know any better, I‘d say it was you“ Rufus pinched your leg before bringing them to the ground. "Enough talking let‘s get mortal or I‘m going to die“ you jumped up and it wasn‘t two hours later that you were in the bathroom of a club fooling around with a random dude. Living the life of a rockstar to its fullest potential, for once not thinking about what the media would have to say the next morning. You didn‘t give a fuck. With one swift motion you pulled out a little plastic bag of coke and sloppily made a line along the countertop. Hands trembling in anticipation and the guys lips were nibbling on your neck.

"You got any money on you?” he brought his hot wet lips from your neck and handed you a crumbled up 5 pound note that he kept in the front pocket of his jeans. You used the money to press one nostril down and snorted hard.

"Fuck you‘re so hot“ the guy said while having his eyes on you by looking in the mirror.

"want some?“ you offered, but he declined. Another sloppy line and a make out session later, you stumbled out. It was a hard life. It sucked. But you would never let anyone know. Chasing a high but falling down even lower and hitting the ground. City. Concert. Drinks. Drugs. Sex. Meltdown. Repeat. 

The rare nights you spent alone in your hotel room were the worst. You felt small, like you didn‘t belong, being not able to tell fantasy from reality, seeing how far you could go. Zoning out, even if it was just for half an hour was a relief, not being yourself. Not having to be yourself. You stomped back into the room. Your drummer, Sid to your left having some blonde chick pressed up to a wall and he fist bumped you. A sort of "congratulating“ each other on the many times you both got lucky. Hot bodies all over the place and it felt like if one more person entered the club, it would have exploded. You felt your high slowly fade, trying to match names to the people you encountered all while searching for someone you personally knew. Long blond hair at the bar. Rufus. "Heyyy“ you slurred at him as he turned around. A pint of beer in his hand.

"Y/N! You don‘t look too good honey“

"What a gentleman you are“ your eyes were still blown and glassy. He looked quite concerned.

"I‘ll take you to the hotel love“ he touched your arm in a caring gesture.

"Don‘t take it the wrong way Ruf, like no offence, but I don‘t want to have sex with you“

"Not like that“ he laughed. "You look like you‘ve had enough for tonight. You‘ll thank me tomorrow.“ You felt stupid. Embarrassed. Being escorted out of the place like a child being dragged out of the candy store. Rufus put his arm around you to stabilize you, walking back to the hotel. As you began to sober more up, the embarrassment reached such height that you felt like dying right then and there. No one was supposed to see you like this. See you break, but the steps in the bright lobby of the hotel were the hardest. You could feel the walls you built up around you slowly but surely break. And once those walls are torn down. It‘s all over. "In you go lovely“ Rufus held the blanket up for you to slide in. "Thank you.“ "You‘re very welcome Ms. L/N“ he smiled. Rufus walked over to the little fridge to get a bottle of water. "Here you‘ll thank me tomorrow“ he handed it over to you. "Need anything else?“ he asked while tying his hair up. "I‘m good, I think“ you weakly smiled. Rufus startled you by jumping into the bed next to you. "You‘re not alright and being the good friend I am, I‘m here to listen and help.“ Silence followed and it felt like eternity. "I‘m fucked up“ your small voice filled the room. "You‘re just enjoying yourself“ he assured you. "Am I really? Who am I kidding? I made a complete fool out of myself once again." he could sense that he assumed wrong in the tone of your voice. "How do you mean?" he asked getting under the sheets. "It‘s all fun and games. Then I‘m alone again and everything gets worse.“ "And you feel guilty because you‘re cheating on Josh.?“ "I‘m the worst person, but no. Not entirely.“ Rufus reached out his hand to brush your hair back a bit, signaling that he was listening. "It‘s better now that you‘re here, because if you weren‘t, I would not know what to do with myself. Sometimes I can‘t stand myself. Most times, to be precise. I feel like a wreck. And I keep telling myself to not go back into these dark places. But still I keep going back.“ A silent tear made it‘s way down your cheek. "From now on and always. No matter when you need me, call me, facetime me, no matter the time. I know better said than done, but you‘re my friend. And friends don‘t give up on each other like that. You don‘t ever have to feel like you‘re alone in this. We‘re family.“ he pulled you closer to him, your head almost resting on his chest. With a steady breathing you slowly drifted off to sleep. *end of throwback*

Much time had passed. Time in which you felt the way you typically felt. Alone. Having broken up with Josh quite some time ago. Josh immortalizing you in one of his songs, describing how you left him, when he proposed: " Do you remember what I said, When I got down on my knees, Gotta get your lovin' baby, Lovin's all I need, Don't make me beg now baby, Don't make me bleed, I gave you all a man could give, And you still walked out on me" Roger has gone on tour. His wife in tow to your surprise. Every picture posted of them together made you feel smaller, the way he had his arm around her, made you doubt your situation around him. Tired of picking up a fight, sometimes ignoring his secret calls, you isolated yourself. The album, a declaration of love, that was supposed to be released soon, was now on the verge of being filled with songs that would make you feel the hurt and pain as a listener. It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining and Roger was coming home. The situation was uncertain. How would you deal with it? Did his flame of undying love find its way to burn with even more passion for his wife again? And what light did he see you in now? The 20-year-old something that’s been destroying his happy 10 years of marriage? Deep inside you hoped he wouldn’t, but to be honest, you wouldn’t have been surprised if he stayed with her. Maybe it was all just a rebellious phase. Trying to feel young again. Getting revenge on something stupid SHE did. The doorbell rang. It could be anyone, you thought to yourself. As you opened, a sheer wave of bliss washed over. His blue eyes shone like never before, you swore you saw stars in them. His hair was ruffled, well who’s wouldn’t be after a 20-hour flight. No exchange of words, just shoulders crushing into one another, fulfilling the tightest hug you’d ever felt. Once again, this is what home felt like and it’s been so long that all the doubts you had about him were crushed in a millisecond. "I missed you so much” Roger breathed into your neck. "I missed you more” you cried, your hand on the back of his head, fumbling with his white locks. “I don’t think that’s possible, my love.” he rasped. God you missed hearing the roughness of his voice, all close up and personal. When he pulled back, his nose gently brushed yours and he kissed you tenderly. "How are you feeling” you asked, helping him get his bags in, the majority of them already being shipped to Cornwall, to a house of his you haven’t got to see yet. "I’m toast” he huffed, letting himself fall into the comfy black sofa in the living room. “Is there maybe something I can help you with? A massage? Something else?” you tried to sound as seductive, slowly but surely getting settled on his lap. If he really didn’t get with his wife on tour he must be exploding by now, set aside all the secret wank sessions. As you grinded down on him, there was nothing. No reaction whatsoever. You tried some more until Roger stopped you.

"Sorry love, so sorry.” his fingers glided gently up and down your arm. "Has something happened? Have you changed your mind about us?” “No no, I’m just really exhausted I can’t quite ....you know.. get it up. I’m sorry, it’s embarrassing” "No Rog it’s not, don’t be sorry.” You assured him by kissing both of his cheeks one after the other, making him smile. "Anything else I can do for you instead?” you asked, ready to fulfill all his wishes. "I just want to be as close to as possible” He wanted affection, affection he had to go without for several months, except for the occasional social media schmoozing with his wife. Still sat in his lap, you cuddled tighter into him, cheek on cheek. His breathing was now more steady and peaceful, you could feel him relaxing, his tense muscles from drumming suddenly didn’t feel as tense any more. You two stayed like that for half an eternity, well a decent amount of hours, but it felt like minutes and before you knew it, the sun was setting. "Why don’t you move in with me?” Roger asked out of the blue, with you still on top of him. You looked into his eyes, questioning if it was a good idea. "Don’t worry, I already filed for divorce. The paperwork should be through pretty soon.” he assured you. God. That was it, now you knew he was for real. And hell would break loose if the media found out. For the media it already was bad that another woman was the reason for Roger Taylor’s divorce. But an age difference of 49 years would be the last straw - a real scandal. "I don’t know Rog. I don’t want to give up this place.” your apartment has been your rock over the years, you inspirational little cave with the perfect view.  "You don’t have to give this up.” He brought his hand up to your cheek, lifting your head so you were looking into his eyes once more. "I just want you with me all the time. I don’t want to go a day without you anymore” You melted into his touch. Every move he made, every word he said, every look he gave you, made your heart flutter. You’ve never felt this deep for anyone else before. So you nodded. "Is that a yes?” he asked with a dumb smile on his face. "Yes” His lips were on yours again. They felt like the inside of a rose, passionate, soft, and and a high of pure happiness rushed through both of you As the night grew cold, the two of you got comfy and especially cuddly. Finally together again. Roger cuddled into your chest. He needed this after months and months of going without it. It was only a matter of minutes, mixed with playing with strands of his hair and kisses to his forehead, that he fell asleep. His soft snoring let you know that he was very well enjoying every little thing. "The man who used to move under meat?“ you gave Roger a funny look. "Don‘t look at me like that“ Roger laughed having put on his stupid "joke face” but you loved it. He brushed a strand of your hair behind your ear. "t’was a guy at our parties, he would just lay on tables, being naked and covered in food that he was basically invisible. Once someone tried to grab something he wiggled, and they were startled. It was so fun watching“ you laughed at his story and cuddled closer to him. Roger’s Queen partying stories were the best, but thinking of all the girls he must have been with made you feel jealous and for some reason insecur as well.  "I can imagine. How many girls have you really been with?“ curiosity took over you. "Not as many as I‘d would let everyone know“ he chuckled. "Yeah yeah... bet it must be thousands“ you tried to sound as nonchalant as possible. "Well, then I have to disappoint you, my love“ you felt his hot breath on your cheek before he pressed a soft kiss to it. "And it certainly also wouldn’t have nearly been as many if you were there.“ "Roger we both know that‘s not true.“ "See, that‘s a lie“ he dipped down to kiss your lips. "Once we get to Cornwall I have something special to give you“ "What is it Rog?“ you whined still curled up in the warm bed drinking in the warmth that Roger left behind. "You first better get your beautiful bottom out of bed“ he called from the bathroom. "My bottom is here and ready start the day“ Roger finished shagging his hair out to style the way you liked it the most. Messy. He turned around and grabbed your face gently and closed the space between the two of you. "Morning breath“ you mumbled against his lips. "I‘ve had worse“ he mumbled back, a hint of mint made itself into your mouth. "Why do I believe you?“ you laughed, pulling away and letting your hand glide through his hair. "You look so good“ you looked at him in awe. "You know just how to flatter an old man“ "Don‘t. Say. That. Mr.. Taylor.“ you said in between placing kisses all over his face. His eyelashes fluttered while laughing. He was a sight to see. "You seriously better get ready now“ he gently slapped your bum and left you to yourself to take a shower. You put on some light makeup, comfy clothes and you both were off for a 5 1/2 hour drive in Roger’s black Range Rover. Thank god for Bluetooth speakers, much to Roger’s annoyance you blasted the Hot Space album, as well as any other Queen song he hated. "How do you even know these songs? You know every single word, might have to question your taste in music” Roger laughed. When he finally gave up, he joined you in singing along, harmonizing and trying to hit all the high notes just likehe did 40 years ago. To your surprise he still managed most of them. His hand almost never left your thigh, except for when it was time to shift gears. Yours usually rested on top of his. Nothing could ever compare to this.  When you arrived at his enormous mansion you were once again speechless. He showed you around to get settled once again and it made your mouth run dry, especially seeing all the golden discs and awards he stored all around the house and on the walls. Most of them were settled in the living room. "Can’t wait for you to contribute to the collection” Roger hugged you from behind while you admired them all. "Me?” You laughed. "Yeah of course you. I’ve never won a Grammy in my golden years. Only the honorable one 100 years later” his laugh vibrates on your neck. "Here” he handed you a black box. “Told you I’ve got something for you, something really special” You opened the box and it was one of the cymbal necklaces he was recently selling. Filled with joy, you jumped up on him and he gladly caught you in his arms, giving him a long kiss.  "Thank you, thank you so much!! I love it Roger” "But wait wait, my love” Roger put you down again. "This one was made out of the first cymbals I ever played with. And I wanted you to have it and kind of be a part of it,have a part of it, if that makes sense?” You had tears in your eyes, knowing that this part of his drums made such an impact on his life and him now giving it to you, even if was small, owning a piece of his early days. It made you feel special.. On the back, the words "right till the end, Love, Roger” were engraved. It was the best present ever, besides of course, having the love of your life all to yourself. "I also have something for you” you said, not having this situation exactly planned through, because of your anxiety he wouldn’t like it. "I had a lot of time to spend while you were gone“ "Doing only good stuff I hope“ he chuckled looking at you, his eyes shining from under his long lashes. "Come with me“ you took his hand into yours and guided him to the crackling fireplace. Roger sat down in his red leather chair, one that never left its place since moving in in the late 70s. You sat opposite him on the red, equally old fashioned carpet in front of the fire place, clutching your pitch black guitar tightly. "It’s not as awesome as your present, but here we go” A nervous feeling rushed through your body. Your slightly trembling fingers started picking the first chords. Seeing the way his eyes blinked at you, you knew he was listening closely. The song was called 'Call it what you want to’ and every single word was true. Nobody has heard from you for months, nor your fans, nor the media, at least  not since the Grammys. And Roger on the other hand, he loved you like you were brand new. He knew about your rocky, hard, and scandalous past, your battles with all things that are toxic and your battles with yourself. Still, he didn’t back down, he stayed by your side, no matter what. He built a fire just to keep you warm while everyone outside was throwing ice at you, trying to get to you. He could be trusted, a feeling not only his embrace let you know, but the way he treated you. His bad jokes always made you laugh, in fact the worse they were, the more you loved him. The “joke face” he gave you, when he expected you to laugh was just adorable and made you fall in love all over again.  When the song was finished, Roger had tears in his eyes. “Wow” he breathed. "I don’t think.. I don’t think anyone’s ever written a song about me, at least not one like this. It’s so beautiful. I couldn’t ask for a better present from the most beautiful girl in the world” your guitar was quickly on its stand again and you in Roger’s lap. "Thank you thank you thank you” he breathed kissing you all over. "It was a pleasure Mr. Taylor” you smiled. The hardest part was get to come. Releasing the songs which all evolved around yours and Roger’s relationship. Clearing all the rumors. Revealing your relationship. Meeting his children. But it all would come with time and didn’t matter at the moment.

 What he wanted though, was you meeting his children, as fast as possible. He was not one to keep something so special hidden from them, for as he long as he already did. So, one beautiful Saturday evening they all came to visit, you had even cooked a treat they all loved, but it was just how you expected it to be, at least part of it. Rufus came first, in tow with him Tigerlily and Lola. Roger and you were standing at the door, ready to greet them, but it seemed as if Lola still didn’t warm up to the idea of her dad dating someone so much younger, almost her age. Tigerlily hugged you right away, she was probably the most open minded one of them all. “It’s so good to finally meet you, I’m a big fan of yours!” Tigerlily giggled, handing over some wine and flowers as presents. “We’re going to kill this one later” she winked, holding up the bottle. “For sure” you smiled at her. Felix and Rory joined the party a bit later. It was kind of weird that they were a bit older, but you managed and as it seemed as if they didn’t have any problem with it either.

Tigerlily and you kept quoting vines and laughing at memes after dinner, to which Roger only shook his head, all while laughing about how good you were getting along. Your hand was casualy on the table when Roger cupped it with his, finally intertwining your fingers.  “Really?” Lola said out of nowhere, looking down at your joined hands. She got up and walked out of the room. “Lola” Roger called after her. Him, Felix, and Rory went after her. Your worst fear became reality. They didn’t accept you. You couldn’t blame her though, thinking you would react the same way if your dad showed up with someone much younger. 

“Don’t worry” Tigerlily assured you. “It’s just a lot for her to handle right now.” She hugged you tightly, rubbing your back. “Yeah , she needs time to warm up. Hasn’t even warmed up to Sarina entirely, it’s going to be alright.” Rufus said, taking a sip from his beer. He was right and you would be willing to give her as much time as she needed.

Nearly half an hour passed when they all came back into the dining room. “Y/N?” Lola stood in the door. “Can we talk?” she pointed towards the other room. You followed her. “Look, I’m sorry, that this is might be weird for you. I totally understand, but I really love your dad I-“ “I know” she interrupted. “And he really loves you. It just.. it just freaks me out a bit. And knowing my dad I know no one will ever be good enough for him, he’s the best dad ever” she explained. “ I believe you, he speaks highly of you all the time” “Well, he also does speak highly of you all the time, maybe I’m just a bit jealous that he won’t spend as much time with us anymore as he’s got you now.” Lola sounded sad and a bit disappointed. “ I won’t allow that” you assured her. “You know... I’d never keep him from seeing you all. As much as I love him, I want him to be happy and seeing as today went, it was pretty fun and a joy having you all around. Talking, eating, drinking.” “You’re right” Lola said. 

“I’m so sorry for making a scene.” “Don’t be sorry, it’s alright! But next time something bothers you, let’s just talk it out! I’ll always have an open ear for you!” “Awwe lovie, thank you. You know, you’re pretty cool actually. Having a female rockstar in the family makes for a great change” She admitted. “ You’re pretty awesome too! Love your photography” you smiled at her. “May I give you a hug?” Lola asked you to which you nodded. Right in this moment Roger went to look after the two of you and when he saw you hugging your problems out, his heart swell. He backed away quickly though, just fast enough for none of you to notice he was there.  “Let’s get back to the others now, or they’ll think we killed each other” you joked and you both went back to join the rest, to enjoy some desert. It was 2 am when Roger’s children left after everyone helped cleaning up. They really were all about teamwork and you adored them. 

“I had a great evening” you said to Roger while changing into something more comfortable. “I’m glad you had a good time, because I was really enjoying myself.. Except for the little.. Lola thing” he said, giving your shoulder a kiss. “oh, that’s alright, we get along now. What did you say to her anyway, when you went after her?” You asked him. “Oh just that you really put much work into this get together, you know.. with the cooking and all. And that I love you and you’re very important to me and that this is just how the future is going to be.” his reasonings were making you smile. “Your kids are awesome. You did a great job raising them.” “I know I did” he chuckled. “Can’t wait to meet them again” you said more quietly, brushing your thumb along his cheek. “Hold your horses little lady, you’ll see them soon enough. I love having them around y’know? We usually have a family meeting once a week, talking about what everyone is up to” “Sounds awesome” you loved the idea of them spending more time with the two of you, dining, drinking, having a laugh, going on family vacations. Family. The moment Roger saw you interact with his kids, having inside jokes with them, you and Tigerlily even arranging a date to go out shopping, he knew he made the right decision. Giving his whole heart to you and you loving him right back. He knew it already, someday, when the time was right, when the media would quiet down a little more, he’d make you “officially” part of his family. And when that time came, you knew what your answer to his question would be. YES. 

taglist: @goodoldfashionedlovergirlsblog @nicola2388 @bohemiansweede @namelesslosers @rogahqueen @jennyggggrrr @queenlover05​

[antibioware]

My final thoughts on Mass Effect: Andromeda (a 3 years late review)

So I spent the past week and a half playing a game I paid 13€ for, one that I promised myself I wouldn't touch but that in the end I gave a solid try to anyway, because I was willing to give Andromeda the benefit of the doubt. Because I'm aware that sometimes I'm a bitch, and that the Mass Effect trilogy had its own problems too, but I still regard it as one of the best gaming experiences of my life.

It wasn't as bad as I had expected it would be, but that doesn't make it good. Above all else, Mass Effect: Andromeda is a game that could have been interesting, had the creators actually cared to make something out of it outside of just “Dragon Age Inquisition in the Mass Effect universe”.

I wanted to write a more coherent post about what I didn’t like about it, aside from just shitting all over it like I’ve been feeling like doing since the canonical bury your gays in the game slapped me in the face. So here it is, an overlong post about a 3 years old game.

Before getting into the main elements that I disliked, I wanna preface this post by saying that I enjoyed parts of the game. The main characters, while not as well characterized as they could have been (no Bioware character ever is), grew on me the more I played the game, and by the end were the main reason why I kept playing. Unlike DA:I, the writers did a really good job building up the found family trope in this game, and while it turns corny at times, it’s very heartwarming. I think many of the planetary settings in Heleus were stunning to look at, to the point that I didn’t even mind all that much having to drive from point A to point B.

I didn’t hate the game, and I’m speaking from the point of view of someone who enjoyed it, but not enough to simply accept its many flaws.

The problems with the gameplay itself

There are three main things that I don’t think work well and are up in your face since the first seconds of the game: the game interface, the fight mechanics, and the open world aspect of the game.

◦ The first impact I had on Andromeda, right from the first 2/3 hours of playing it, was that it was very cluttered and very, very confusing. I had just finished playing ME3 and I had issues understanding how to move without having a proper map onscreen, how to read throught the thousand tutorials for the 100 new, useless elements they added to the game that are either reused from ME1 or taken directly from DA:I. The game didn’t need a crafting system, especially not one DIVIDED IN TWO DIFFERENT SECTIONS, it didn’t need an inventory system, and especially it didn't need to have the sheer amount of sidequest it had.

◦ The fight mechanics + leveling up/classes system is a hot mess. I understand they wanted to try something new, and in part they did make the fighting feel more fluid, but not being able to rely on teammates for necessary stuff like overloads/specific powers that you need during fights severely impaired the strategic element of the game. Now it’s just a third person shooter with teammates dying left and right because you have 0 control on how they fight, aside from putting them in one place or another.

The fact that you can only use 3 powers at the time is a consequence of the confusing leveling up system. Because you can have an endless amount of powers you can give your character, they needed to find a way to make them not too overpowered. The problem is…. You had more powers to use in-game in ME1. It doesn’t work so well.

When the fighting mechanics in ME3, a game that came out in 2012, feel way fluider and more enjoyable than the ones from the game that came out in 2017, something is very wrong.

◦ Open world games are a challenge, because too many developers don’t understand that turning a game into an open world doesn’t make it good, it just makes it bigger and slower. It was a problem with Dragon Age Inquisition, and it’s a problem here with Andromeda - with the only good aspect being that at least Andromeda gives you a decent car to explore the planets.

ME1 had some level of open world-ness, and there was a valid reason why ME2 and ME3 got rid of the concept: the maps you’re given are a big, cluttered mess of nothing. You have several thousands sidequests, many of which incredibly similar to each other, and nothing fucking else. Sometimes you will accidentally stumble upon something interesting, and then return to a 6 hours drive into the nothingness that keeps repeating over and over again.

It got to the point I almost stumbled upon the endgame because I got exhausted of running around doing errands, and I tried continuing the main plot, only to realize I was almost done with it. That was it.

Empty self-referencing

This is the term I used to describe my girlfriend why the way the game made call backs to the previous games bothered me so much. Call backs aren’t new to the concept of the game (the Mass Effect trilogy literally lived on characters returning from previous games, referencing things that had previously happened, etc.), but because this game wanted to be a separate thing from the ME trilogy, it couldn’t use this sort of material. And that’s completely fine! The game wanted to be its own thing, I was happy about it at first, because the trilogy was over and done for. If Mass Effect was indeed gonna continue, it needed a fresh start.

The problem is, it also needed to remind players that it’s a Mass Effect game, the game from which Commander Shepard came.

So, how to solve this matter? Well, instead of referencing stuff that actually happened in the trilogy, it solves the referencing aspect by putting a bunch of relatives of characters from the trilogy in the game. You get Conrad Verner’s sister, Nyreen Kandros’s cousin, a lost illegitimate son of Zaeed Massani, a brief cameo of Garrus Vakarian’s dad, a krogan on New Tuchanka being from clan Urdnot, and so on. And it was funny the first time or so, maybe even the second, but at some point it just turned awkward, and I started asking myself, “is this it? Is this all that’s left of the trilogy, just a bunch of big name characters to remind the player you belong from the same universe?”. The brief way they referenced back to Shepard was also very awkward and felt... out of place, with the rest of the game.

A couple call backs I really liked were:

Liara being acknowledged for her work as a Prothean researcher and being in contant with Ryder Senior, without much reference being done to her time in Shepard’s crew. It was good, seeing her from an outsider perspective.

The fact that Avitus Rix, being a turian ex-Spectre, knew Saren and was in fact his disciple.

Both these elements are things that make sense and tie the game back to the trilogy beyond just going “hey, this x character is the relative of this other x character, isn’t it crazy!”

The plot, and the problem with binary choices

It’s easy to make fun or critique the game struggling to find its own plot after something as big as the ME trilogy was. But Bioware isn’t an indie developer, it’s a huge fucking company, and they could have done better.

While I liked the design of the Remnants architecture and enemies, putting a plot point revolving around an ancient, long lost alien civilization who was much more technologically advanced, sounds a lot like a bad repeat of the Protheans.

I liked the Angara conceptually, but I didn’t like their design all that much and I often found it hysterically funny that angara are supposed to be a deeply emotional race, when the animators left them stuck with those mono expressive faces and unemotional eyes.

And on top of all of this, the kett are boring villains. The exaltation progress is really just a bad repeat of how Reaper indoctrination worked, and the way they talk reminds me of the big bad templars from the Dragon Age universe. It’s literally nothing new, and because of it, it’s boring.

When I was playing the endgame, all I kept thinking was “this is it? this is all they came up with? for real?”. I liked the twins aspect of the endgame, but aside from that, it didn’t feel satisfying.

And now comes the reason why it didn’t feel satisfying: the game got rid of the Paragon/Renegade system from the trilogy, and because of that, they also got rid of the possibility of additional problem-solving solutions during big choices. 

In Andromeda, almost every major quest has a binary choice attached to it: choose this or that. Burn the facility or save all the angara but leave the facility standing. Save the krogans or Raeka. Pick Sloane or Reyes. Keep Sarissa as the Pathfinder or not. Etc.

in the trilogy, complete, important binary choices were rare (choosing Ashley or Kaidan is probably the biggest one) and the consequences had long lasting effects. Not all of them did (saving or killing the rachni in ME1 and rewriting or destroying the geth in ME2 didn’t have so many long term consequences in ME3, for example), but a great deal meant big changes in the following games.

The issues with these choices in Andromeda? None of them matter. Characters will get angry at you for going against their will in a single dialogue line, and then never mention it again. The opinion on the Nexus won’t change if you expose Spender, Addison’s connections to the Exiles, or Nexus people targeting the angara. None of your companions will betray you or leave you for going against their will during their loyalty missions.

A Mass Effect game with choices that don’t influence the final result of the game feels like a joke, and while I know in many ways the trilogy also had a problem on this matter on some parts, dead characters stayed dead and betraying a friend’s trust meant losing them in the near future

The unavoidable part where I mention the issue with LGBT rep in this game because I’m a nonbinary lesbian and I can’t detach that aspect of myself from how I consume media

Endless gays and trans folks out there have already written this sort of matter so as my last point of critique, I’ll make it quick. Bioware has a long story with homophobia and transphobia in its character writing - this without mentioning the huge problems with racism in the character writing, too. Many gay/bi women in Bioware games are written by the same homophobic straight cis man with a lesbo fetish, AKA Lukas Kristjanson, and that alone gives a really good feeling on why such issues exist.

The original Mass Effect trilogy had very little gay romance options, out of the amount of romance options: as of ME3, there are two main gay romance options for fShepard (Liara and Traynor, without counting the mini-romances that were put in the previous games for pure fetish fuel) and two for mShepard (Kaidan and Cortez, both only added in the last game).

Andromeda wasn’t... the big breath of fresh air in the representation department they tried to pass it as. There are more romance options, but for once, there add to add another m/m romance option later on because the only gay romance available were with minor NPCs, and there’s an issue with the amount of content gay romances get compared to main het romances.

There’s a single trans NPC, and it's a random person you meet who tells you her deadname and the reason she transitioned right away. Ugh.

And now we come to the bury your gays mission that made me almost uninstall the game: the mission to find the turian Pathfinder with the help of his partner, the previously mentioned Avitus Rix,  who also happens to be the first gay male turian character in the game (the first gay female turian being Nyreen Kandros, who dies btw). You invest time to trace back to the turian arc, while listening to Avitus talk about how important the turian Pathfinder is to him, you realize pretty fast they’re lovers, and when you find out the turian arc, it’s all to discover that the Pathfinder is already dead. Not a choice in the game that could accidentally kill him, like with Raeka, or an active choice you make to keep him in his role, like Sarissa. He’s already dead, and you’re left with Avitus alone and mourning.

The game is from 2017. This sort of bullshit is unacceptable, and I will keep screaming it until Bioware manages to pretend like they care about their LGBT fans.

To end this mess of a post - Mass Effect: Andromeda lasted me a total of 50 hours of game, and in a way, I’m glad I got it out of my system. It was a delusion, but at least now I can cross it off my list and go back to playing other stuff. I understand that this is a game many ended up liking, and I’m sad I can’t say I’m among them, and that I couldn’t even fully enjoy the game at times. Also I promised myself I wouldn’t mention this but goddamn the facial animations of the game were so ugly.

DESPITE THIS, I really loved the characters, and I very much enjoyed Vetra’s romance, which was the main reason why I bought the game. 

[bbyyoungblood]

I Believe In Us | e.d.

A/N: I wrote this fic starting at 11:00 pm, and it is currently 3:42 am. I got this idea and I could not stop writing. I hope it’s good. Sorry, it is not really edited! 

-

New Jersey was beautiful this time of year. Actually, New Jersey was beautiful all year around, but there was something about the leaves in the fall that warmed your seemingly cold soul. Maybe it was the memories of bonfires and pumpkin patches, or maybe the special boy with chocolate eyes after a football game. Whatever it was, it was beautiful and you could not believe you were back in your hometown just in time to enjoy it.

Thanksgiving break, your sophomore year of college, was when you decided you needed to come home. Your parents were recently divorced, your father running off with one of his partners from his law firm, leaving your mom to an empty house. Nothing broke your heart more than seeing your mom in pain, so you packed your bags and headed to Jersey. This was not the most ideal situation, seeing as you were only a sophomore, but you had been in an academic rut recently. So, as much as the series of unfortunate events hurt your mother, it was an excuse for you to change your future plans.

When you told your roommate, Lauren, that you were planning on leaving, she called you stupid. This was understandable considering everything you gave up to go to Stanford. It was a lifelong dream to walk across the stage at Stanford, but your spark for learning was no longer there, not when your heart was pulling you home. You tried cutting all possible ties when you left. You broke up with your boyfriend, deleted all your friends numbers, and even got rid of all social media. Looking back, this was the exact opposite of how you should have handled the situation, but your life in New Jersey was your whole heart. Cutting ties seemed less painful than slowly losing communication to the most important people in your life.

Thinking back on all the people you left behind was still hard to swallow, especially considering you were back for an undetermined amount of time. Trying to get this off your mind, you though a good walk through the crisp November air would help. So, grabbing your purse and putting on your coat, you called through your childhood home to your mother, “Mom! I’m running down to Garry’s! You want anything from the store?”

You heard rustling coming from upstairs and then eventually loud footsteps coming down. Your mother’s slowly aging face came into view as she started to reply, “Yes, actually. I’m making some chili tonight, can you pick me up a tomato or two?”

You scrunch your face at the thought of tomatoes, but nevertheless shook your head, “I can do that. I’ll be back in an hour or so, okay?”

She just nodded and started tidying up the kitchen. You could tell she was stressed, cleaning always being a way to channel her negative energy into something positive. Just as you were almost out the door, you heard her call out your name, “Y/N?”

“Yeah, mom?”

“Maybe stop by the Dolan’s on your way back home. Lisa told me that Ethan misses you.”

Your cheeks turned bright red at the thought of the dark haired boy who has held your heart for god knows how many years.

“Yeah, okay mom,“ and with that you walked out the door.

-

The walk to Gary’s Supermarket was longer than what you remembered, probably because the last time you had walked there was before you could drive. You didn’t mind it though, the leaves were bright reds and oranges this time of year, and it gave you time to think about your forever crush.

Mr. Ethan Dolan had you wrapped around his little finger since the day you were born, two months exactly after him. Lisa and your mother had been great friends in cosmetology school, even living together before meeting their spouses. Because your mothers were best friends, you and the twins were destined to be best friends. Only everyone believed you and Ethan were probably meant to be a little bit more than that, and they were right. Ethan would pick you up on the playground and dust you off, Grayson would pull your pigtails. Grayson loved you, of course, but he saw you more as an annoying little sister, not a beautiful girl that could do no wrong.

The two of you stayed close your whole lives, and as cliche as it is, you were each other’s first almost everything. He was your first kiss, as a dare you might add, when you were tiny seventh graders. Ethan took you to your first high school dance, where he would later become the first person you made out with. He would also be your first time after a football game your junior year, where he just looked so good covered in a thin layer of sweat. You and Ethan were inseparable for the longest time, but you never made it official, which meant girls liked Ethan and boys liked you.

Mason Longmoore was your first boyfriend, one of the only firsts Ethan wasn't lucky enough to hold. He was a rich fellow who loved golf and beer a little too much. He was good to you, for the most part, and Ethan still was your best friend. Mason, however, was absolutely not supportive of the Stanford acceptance letter you got halfway through senior year. He expected you to stay almost until you were boarding the plane with your carry-on by your side. Deciding that someone trying to hold you back, like Mason tried, was not what you needed, so you broke it off right there in gate six.

Gate six. Not only was this the gate you decided Mason was no longer your boyfriend, this was the gate you apparently decided that Ethan Dolan was no longer your best friend. Looking back you were not proud of what you did, but it seemed as if it was the right choice because you were trying to start over. You told Ethan that you loved him and that you were going to miss him, but that it would probably best that you didn’t stay in contact. This shattered the boy’s heart, he had been in love with you since freshman year. Actually, probably earlier, but he refused to admit it. That was the last time you had talked to Ethan, coming up on almost two years now.

Shaking your head at the bad memories that stupid gate held, you walked into the Gary’s, taking off your gloves and putting them in your coats pocket. The rundown supermarket looked exactly the same as it did back in high school. Walking down the isles was almost like muscle memory at this point. You grabbed a basket and started towards the produce. Considering the time of year, the tomatoes were quite sad looking and you didn’t know if you were going to find a good one in the bunch. Finally, though, after some searching, you found a decent one. But soon the tomato would be dropped to the ground after a voice coming from over your shoulder startled you.

“Y/N Y/L/N, I don't think I have ever seen you so close to a tomato before.”

You turned right around at the sound of his angelic voice and holy shit did he look good. Ethan was maybe a little bit taller, hair shorter, older, with stubble gracing his chin. “Oh my god, Ethan! You scared me!”

Ethan grinned from ear to ear with a slight laugh coming from his pink lips. “How are you? It's been what, two years?”

You frowned at the mention of how long it had been since you last talked to your childhood best friend. Realizing your furrowed brow, you smiled slightly, “Yeah, just about. I’ve been good. It’s good to be home, with my mom, you know?”

“I heard, yeah, my mom told me. I was actually going to-” Ethan was interrupted by a feminine voice behind him, followed by a beautiful girl placing her hand on his shoulder.

“Ethan, whose this?” This girl was gorgeous. She had brown skin with light eyes and a body that could be on a runway. She made you pull your jacket around your body, a habit you had when you felt insecure. Ethan looked at the girl, to you, then back to the girl.

“Uh Nyah, this is Y/N. Our moms are super good friends. Y/N this is Nyah,” there was a pause, “my uh, my girlfriend.” After what happened to your mom, you didn't think anything could hurt you anymore. You were wrong, though, because his words sent a sword right through your heart. Knowing that you couldn't show your hurt, you kept a smile on your face. Ethan, however, could tell a genuine smile from your fake one. He knew that your smile was not reaching your eyes. Trying to cover your heartbreak took a step back and sucked air through your teeth.

“Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Nyah. And good to see you, Ethan.” You needed to leave Gary’s and go back home so you could pretend this encounter never happened. “I would love to stay and catch up but my moms making chili and she needs this tomato, so I'm going to head out. Tell Grayson hello for me?”

Ethan’s face dropped just a little bit but he recovered soon enough, “Oh, yeah, of course. We’ll catch up later.” He waved at you as you practically ran away with a nod.

Nyah could tell that seeing this mysterious girl she had never heard anything about changed Ethan’s mood drastically. Concerned, she gave Ethan a look that seemed to ask ‘do I have anything to worry about?’

Ethan knew this look and just shook his head, because honestly, he had no idea.

-

Diner at the Dolan household was always an event, especially when all the kids were home. Well, Ethan was always home because he still lived there while attending the local community college, but when Grayson and Cameron were home too. Each child helped and had a ‘special role’ as Lisa called it. Cameron would help cut veggies, Grayson made desert, and since Ethan burns water when he cooks, he gets dish duty.

So, that's what Ethan was doing now. After an awkward run in with his first love and a dinner that made him gain twenty big ones, he was loading the dishwasher while his mom cleaned up the counter.

“So, uh, I saw Y/N today when I was at the store with Nyah.” Ethan glanced over at his mother to see she stopped wiping the counter at the mention of her best friend's daughter and was looking at him waiting for him to continue. “Maybe home for Thanksgiving or something. I don't know, we didn't get to talk long.”

Lisa sighed at her son and put the towel in her hand over her shoulder, “she's back for good actually. Rachael said Stanford was getting a little lonely, and with all the things that have happened lately, Y/N wanted to come home. She's going to start classes at C.C.C. after Christmas, I think.” Lisa knew about Y/N coming home for a long time but didn't know if telling him that the first person to break his heart was back in town would be a good idea. Ethan put up a tough front, but he was a softie.

Ethan’s ears perked up at the mention of Y/N taking classes at the same place he did, where his girlfriend did. “Central, really?”

“Apparently.”

“Hmm.”

Lisa frowned, “are you okay with her being back, after everything? I know you have Nyah now, but-”

Ethan cut his mom off, “I’m not going to breakup with Nyah just because Y/N is back.”

“Oh you know I am not saying that. I am just saying the you and her never got closure on whatever teenage feelings you had for one another.”

“Mom, we were just friends.”

“Mhmm.”

“We were!”

Lisa let out a laugh at Ethan’s persistence, “I am just saying you should talk to her.”

Ethan knew his mother was right, he never did get closure, and with you back, he didn't know if he could move on without it. He was happy with Nyah, she made him laugh, but he couldn't ignore the lingering feelings for you. “Do you think she has the same number?”

“I’ll text Rachael.”

-

“Mom it was so awkward! I hadn't seen him in forever, and he has a fucking-”

“Language!”

“Shit- sorry, freaking supermodel girlfriend?” The walk home from Gray’s was quicker than the walk there, maybe it was because you were trying to put as much distance between you and Ethan as possible. As soon as you arrived at your quaint little home, you word vomited about your encounter to your mom.

“Yeah, Nyah. Lisa says she's nice.”

“Ugh, of course she is.” You don't understand why you were so incredibly upset right now, you should be happy for Ethan because you broke his heart and now he's moved on. But the little devil on your shoulder is upset that he'd forgotten about whatever you two were, and you hadn't.

“Y/N, honey, why are you so worked up right now? You haven't spoken a word to him in what? Two years?” Your mom walked over to you and placed a comforting hand on your shoulder, “I’m not sure what you expected. Ethan wasn't just going to sit back and wait for you to be ready for him.”

You scoffed, “Ready for him? Ready for what? Ethan were only ever friends, maybe you could've added a best in front of that at some point. But that's it!”

“Oh, Y/N. I know that's what you pretended yours and Ethan’s relationship to be, but I caught you two making out in the basement when I was doing laundry one time.”

“Mom! Oh my god, and you didn't say anything?”

“Of course not, Lisa and I have wanted you two together since the day I found out I was having a girl.”

“Mom!”

“Shush it. Maybe you should talk to him, I don't know, to get closure or something. Just so you're on the same page.”

“He has a girlfriend.”

“He does, and It’s not you. So, when you talk to him, you're going to respect that boundary and not bring it up.”

“Mom, what if he doesn’t want me in his life?”

Your mom sighed. It hurt her that it was even a possibility that Ethan might not want you in his life, considering you had just cut all ties with him. She understood, though, because when Ethan would come into the salon after you left for Stanford, she didn't see the sparkle in his eyes anymore. Ethan was hurt, for a long time. “Well, if that happens, then you respect that too.”

That last bit of advice your mother gave you hit hard. Ethan hadn't been in your life for a long time, but suddenly the thought of him doing the same thing you did to him made tears well up in your eyes.

Seeing how her words made your eyes watery, your mom gave you a tight hug, “his number is the same, I know you still have it memorized. Give him a call.”

-

A whole five days after the supermarket fiasco, Ethan had yet to push the ‘Y/N’ contact on his phone. He was overthinking it, he knew that, but what was he supposed to say? What do you say to your childhood bestie that you fell in love with after you haven't talked in a long ass time? Giving up, Ethan puts his phone down on the couch next to him while running a hand through his dark hair.

As Ethan let out a huff, Grayson walked in the door. “What're you doing just sitting on the couch? Isn't your girly-friend back in town, you said she was coming back today.”

Ethan looked up at his twin brother and nodded, “Uh, yeah, she's back.”

“Okay, cool, then why are you sitting here in the dark?”

“Jus’ thinking.”

“About what?”

“Y/N.”

Grayson was almost startled by his brother’s words, he hadn't heard that name out of his mouth in a long time. “Y/N?” he questioned.

“Yup,” Ethan wished Grayson would just shut up, not wanting to speak his thoughts out loud.

“You gonna give me some explanation was to why you are thinking about Miss. Stanford?”

“She's back.”

“Back, like for break, or?” Grayson’s words wandered off.

“Like back, back. Like taking classes at Central back. Like I ran into her at Gary’s while I was there with Nyah.”

“Oh shit.”

“Yeah.”

Grayson walked around the side of the couch to take a seat next to his brother. They sat in silence for a few moments before Grayson spoke up, “you gonna talk to her?”

Ethan ran a hand over his face and sighed, “Mom thinks I should, says I need closure or something. Gave me her number, even. I’ve been contemplating calling for a few days now.”

“What’s Nyah going to think about you meeting up with the girl who took your virginity?”

Smack. “Oh fuck off, Gray. Why do you have to be so gross all the time!”

“Ouch! I was just’ askin!”

The boys fell to silence again, this time a little longer, falling into deep thought about the girl Ethan once loved, or maybe still did. Grayson thought back to when she left them at the gate, after she broke his brother’s world. It made Grayson a little angry, what you did, but he also loved you like a sister still to this day. He wouldn't mind having you around a little more often. Maybe Nyah a little less, because she thinks Grayson lacks manners. He calls it spontaneity.

After weighing the pros and cons of you being back in his brother’s boring ass life, Grayson spoke again, “can I see your phone? Mines dead.”

Ethan just patted around the couch until he found the small object, handing it to Grayson. He tapped around on the device for a couple seconds before handing over to Ethan, “there.”

Ethan was confused and furrowed his brow, “huh?”

“It’s ringing. You should probably put it up to your ear now.”

“Oh my fuck! Grayso-”

“Ethan?”

“Hi, um, hi Y/n.”

-

Coffee. That's what you and Ethan decided would be the best way to talk. He had called you the Friday after Thanksgiving, and it was now Monday, the day you were meeting. To be completely forward, you were shitting your pants. You had no idea where the conversation would go, or what you two would even talk about and that made up nervous.

Looking down at you watch, you saw it was time to go, but your feet didn't want to move. Finally, after a few minutes, you got the courage to walk and grab your car keys before walking out the door to your car. He goes nothing, you thought.

-

“Nyah, I promise it’s just coffee!”

“No, Ethan! Grayson said-”

Ethan cut her off, not caring what stupid shit Grayson decided to poison his girlfriend’s mind with, “I don't care what Grayson said! All that should matter is that I’m saying it’s just coffee!”

“She was your first time, right? You loved her, right?”

Fucking Grayson. “Nyah, come on. It's not a big deal. We grew up together and just want to catch up.”

“So there's nothing going on, no feelings?”

“Nada.” Ethan was a liar.

“Promise?”

“Mmhm.”

Nyah just sighed and walked towards Ethan, “I’m sorry I yelled.” She was such an amazing girl, Ethan didn't know why she would ever be with someone as un-put together as him.

Ethan hugged her and smiled slightly, “Its okay, I understand.” He looked down at his phone and saw the time, he had to go. “As much as I’d like to stay, I need to go. See you later?”

“Yeah. I love you.”

Ethan let go of Nyah and walked towards the door, glancing back and giving her a smile.

Ethan didn't say it back.

-

“Oh goodness, or that one time when you pushed me on the swing so high I fell off and broke my ankle!” You were laughing so hard talking to Ethan you were crying. When he first arrived at the coffee shop, it was a little awkward. Getting past the ‘what's new’ crap always was. Once the two of you started talking about old memories, everything fell into place, it was like you had never stopped communication.

“Man, we had some amazing times when we were younger, didn’t we.” Ethan loved reminiscing with you, it was so great, but he knew you were going to ask about Nyah soon.

“So.”

“So.” It was getting just a little awkward again.

“So, Nyah, she seems great.” There it is.

“Nyah, yeah she's great. Super smart and beautiful.”

“Yeah, I bet.” There was a slight pause in your words, “How'd the two of you meet?”

“Um, school. She moved here with her parents last year, we had a couple classes and just hit it off.” There was more to their meeting but Ethan was not going to go over the gory details.

“Oh, nice!”

“Totally. So what about you? Anyone special?”

Just you, Ethan, you thought, “Uh no, actually. I was just super school oriented, I never really had time to socialize.”

“Ahh, I see.”

You should have never brought up Nyah, things were going so incredibly well, things between you and Ethan felt okay again. After that you fell into silence, just sipping your coffees in peace.

After what felt like an eternity, you spoke up, looking him right in the eyes. “E? Are you happy?”

This question startled Ethan, because two weeks ago, yeah he was happy as can be. He had friends and a good job and a fucking smoking girlfriend, everything someone needs to be happy, right? Now, though, he didn't know. You sitting in front of him right now made him aware of the you sized hole in his heart. Everything was different in a matter of days and it was kind of making his head spin. Remembering the love the two of you shared, Ethan wasn't quite sure he felt much for Nyah. That makes him a shitty person, he knows, but you were back and that changed things. Figuring he can't leave you hanging for much longer for a reply, “I’m not really sure.”

-

As the days came and went, they turned into weeks, which then turned into a month and now it was Christmas. Throughout the month of December, you hung around the Dolan household like it was the old times. You and Ethan played tricks on Grayson, and you had sleepovers with Cameron. You felt at peace with yourself again, for the first time in a long time you felt complete.

Now, you were getting ready to go over to Ethan’s house for Christmas lunch. Lisa was nice enough to invite you and your mother over to celebrate with her family considering that you two didn't really have any. Also, your mom was her best friend, and with you close to her kids again, there was nothing more than Lisa would like to see than everyone together.

After putting on some makeup and the cheesiest Santa sweater you could find, you were ready to head over to the lunch. Looking out the window, you saw big while flakes falling from the sky. New Jersey in the fall was your absolute favorite, but snow covered Jersey was a close second.

“Honey? You might want to pack an overnight bag just incase the weather gets bad enough, okay?”

You just nodded at your mother's request, excited for the day to come.

-

“Is Y/N coming over?”

Ethan rolled his eyes at his girlfriend, “Yes, her and her mom, Rachael.”

Nyah groaned, “She's always here, Ethan. I thought family Christmas lunch was for family only. Hence the family.”

“Y/N and Rachael are family.”

“Your ex and her mom are not your family.”

“Ny, why are you always trying to pick fights about this?”

“Because you love her Ethan!” Ethan was completely shocked by not only her tone, but her words.

“What in the hell are you talking about?”

“I see it in your eyes, E. Its the same way you used to look at me.” Ethan’s heart hurt at the way Nyah’s eyes made him feel ashamed for loving another woman when he was supposed to love her. Ethan just looked away and shut his eyes.

“Nyah.”

“No, don't deny it, that makes it worse.”

“I’m so sorry. I wasn't trying for this to happen, she just popped back into my life, all the feelings with it.”

Nyah nodded. She understood, because if her ex-boyfriend, one who tragically passed, came knocking on her doorstep, she would've left Ethan too. “Don't apologize for how you feel. You can't help it.”

“I never wanted this to happen. I liked you, maybe even loved you, Ny, but Y/N, she's got my heart.”

She nodded again, “I think I am going to go. Tell your mom I say thank you for inviting me here today.”

Ethan looked towards her with a sympathetic smile, “Do you want a ride home, it’s the least I can do.”

“No, I drove here.” Ethan just nodded, not knowing what to say. Nyah grabbed the few things she had laying around Ethan’s room, putting them in her back before reaching for the door. As she opened it, she looked at Ethan and smiled, “You better tell that girl you love her, or this would all have been for nothing.”

“I will, I promise.”

“Good.” And with that she walked out of his bedroom for the last time.

Ethan did feel a little sad, he had really deep feelings for Nyah at some point and a million and a half good memories. But, as much as he was sad, he was relieved because he could finally tell you how he felt.

“E? Where’s Nyah going? We eat in like, twenty minutes.” Grayson says as he walks into Ethan’s room eating a roll.

“We, uh, we just broke up.”

“Damn, on Christmas? Why?”

“Y/N.”

“Figures.” When Ethan said that it was because of you, Grayson had no doubts. He was happy knowing you made his brothers world spin. “Well, she's down stairs if you wanna talk to her?”

“Yeah, actually, I think I will.”

-

Ethan made his way down the stairs and down the long hallway, palms sweating all the way there. He couldn't really believe that after all you two had been through that you were going to end up together, hopefully at least. As he made his way into the family room, he saw your smiling face talking to his grandparents. This sight made him so incredibly happy. Feeling as if ten minutes before food was served was the best time for his love confession, he walked over to you.

“Hey Grandpa, can I steal Y/N away from you?” Grandpa just nodded his head, smiling at his grandson. As he pulled your arm out of the room and up the stairs you looked at him quizzingly.

“Where are we going?”

“My room.”

“Why's that?”

“To talk.”

When you reached his room, he shut the door and ushered you towards his bed, sitting you down. You looked at him standing in front of you, worried, “Ethan?”

“Nyah and I broke up.”

This shocked you. As much as it hurts to watch them together over the last month, you thought they were cute. “What? Why?’

“You.”

“No, what? Why would you do that?”

“Stop listen, Y/N. I have loved you since you wore diapers and had uneven pigtails. I loved you when Tommy Silva pushed you on the playground, and when we got dared to kiss in middle school. I loved you at all the homecoming dances we went to together, and the ones we didn't. I loved you when you were under me, in this bed, and I loved you when you were all the way on the other side of the country trying to live out your dreams. I have loved you forever and I honestly cannot imagine my life without you anymore. We have been apart before and I never want to experience that again.”

“Oh Ethan.” You were speechless.

“You taught me to be in this world, to live, to feel no hurt. You know my dad always used to say you got to believe in something, and I am choosing to believe in us.”

“Yeah, E, I believe in us, too. I believe.”

You grabbed his face and kissed his lips, something you had been waiting a long time to do.

You know you said that you loved New Jersey in the fall, but really, you just loved Jersey because that's where Ethan is.

[kitsune-og]

3 + 14 + 17 + 40 - tavien, allison, daena

Tavien Kaiser

3.  How easy to annoy is your oc? Do they have common pet-peeves or are they stoic in response to everything? What is their reaction if the source doesn’t stop? Just like his brother, Tavien is quick to annoy. Although he’s gotten better with age, he’ll still get pissed at small things. And he doesn’t have the best temper in the world; which is a Kaiser trait. His biggest pet peeve is people bringing up his brother, followed closely by people comparing him to Toby. If the source doesn’t stop Tavien, who by now will be pissed, will get mad. As in, punching mad. Unless Mei is just teasing him, Tavien will usually end up punching whatever is closest to him. Be it a wall, a car or a person if you get him riled up enough, Tavien will start throwing punches. 14. Does your oc do anything “just for the aesthetic”? Or are they completely practical in everything? Tavien doesn’t even know the meaning of the word. Unless he’s helping out Mei with a shoot, he is very practical. He works out to stay fit and ready to throw hands, he wears clothes that are comfortable unless they have a purpose (ie wearing a suit to a party), and he eats whatever he feels like. However, he thinks Mei’s aesthetic is really cute and suits her, and he’ll go out of his way tp help her do things “for the aesthetic”. 17. How prepared is your oc? Ready for the worst no matter what, or completely lost in every situation? Would they have a medkit when it was needed? Would they have an umbrella if it rains? Tavien falls about halfway in preparation. He’s no mom friend, he doesn’t bring a sweater where ever he goes or an umbrella just in case, but he does carry a decent amount of things; painkillers, extra bobby pins and hairties for Mei, drugs to sell, his fake ID, enough cash to get him through the day. He’s learnt to be practical from his parents, but he doesn’t mind having to buy an umbrella or new phone charger if needed. However, if someone got hurt around him, he’d be completely useless due to childhood trauma and the sight of blood making him queasy. 40. Are there any habits your oc has picked up from people around them? Do they know where they’re from? Does your oc try to stop themselves from doing it? He has some strange habits ingrained from his parents but he doesn’t really notice them. If anyone points them out, he’ll just shrug and say it’s from his parents but he won’t really try and stop himself. He’s also picked up some habits from Toby, such as lying through his teeth and a few sexual habits (like calling himself daddy lmaooo).

Allison Song

3.  How easy to annoy is your oc? Do they have common pet-peeves or are they stoic in response to everything? What is their reaction if the source doesn’t stop? Allison doesn’t get that annoyed. She’ll get irritated by stupid boys like the rest of the world, but she’s pretty chill about it. She lives by the “I don’t have time for your bs so imma leave” mindset; if you annoy her, she’ll walk away or stop replying. If she gets annoyed, she’ll bitch to her best friend Maisie or take a long bubble bath to calm down.  14. Does your oc do anything “just for the aesthetic”? Or are they completely practical in everything? Allison does everything for the aesthetic. She lives for being aesthetic. And then she posts it all on her social media; Insta stories of her breakfast looking just so,  daily posts of her outfits laid out her moms bed because the cover is prettier, selfies in the most awkward poses and prettiest places. And don’t even get me started on her Pinterest. 17. How prepared is your oc? Ready for the worst no matter what, or completely lost in every situation? Would they have a medkit when it was needed? Would they have an umbrella if it rains? Allison isn’t prepared for shit. She carries the tiniest bag that can only fit her credit cards, cell phone and lip gloss. However, she does keep a lot of things in her car for just in case; you know, a bottle of champagne in case she needs to celebrate something, a change of outfit in case she goes out to dinner and the shops close before she can pick up a dress, etc. She’s ready for rich girl emergencies.  40. Are there any habits your oc has picked up from people around them? Do they know where they’re from? Does your oc try to stop themselves from doing it? The few shitty habits she’s picked up from Lissa or Carolina, she doesn’t really notice she’s doing. And in her mind, they aren’t bad habits to try and stop, so she doesn’t bother. She also has the habit of chewing on her nails when she zones out that she is certain came from her mother, but her mom would never admit to doing.

Daena Hart

3.  How easy to annoy is your oc? Do they have common pet-peeves or are they stoic in response to everything? What is their reaction if the source doesn’t stop? Daena is a very calm soul, she doesn’t get bothered by much. She mostly just doesn’t understand why people have pet peeves and why they can’t just get along with everyone. This is because she grew up in the forest, making friends with the animals and spending her days exploring. 14. Does your oc do anything “just for the aesthetic”? Or are they completely practical in everything? Although she loves pretty things, Daena doesn’t understand the concept of “doing things for the aesthetic” as, again, she grew up in the forest. She doesn’t really have social media, she only got a phone recently. 17. How prepared is your oc? Ready for the worst no matter what, or completely lost in every situation? Would they have a medkit when it was needed? Would they have an umbrella if it rains? She tries to be prepared for whatever life throws her way, although she’s not particularly good at it. She knows how to look after herself, how to save a bunny from a trap and how to patch herself up if she gets hurt. But she doesn’t really know anything useful for the real world. 40. Are there any habits your oc has picked up from people around them? Do they know where they’re from? Does your oc try to stop themselves from doing it? Daena hasn’t been around other people for long enough to pick up any habits.

[chvrrydolan]

somebody else (p.1) - G.D

summary: y/n relationship is going down the hill and she decides to call her old friend. 

words: 2.8k

-

“You know what? I’m done. Call me when you will be in the mood to talk.” Y/N hang up her phone and signed. It was the third time this week when she tried to talk with her boyfriend Mike but he just made excuses that he was busy.

YN and Mike was always known as the perfect couple. They always were together. You could always spot them in the local café drinking their favorite drinks and being cute, or they always walked hand in hand on campus giggling at something and you could always see how both of their eyes sparked joy just looking at each other. But something has changed.

For the past couple of weeks their relationship was going down the hill. Y/N was seen walking alone on the campus with a tired look on her face. You could easily tell she was losing sleep. Also, the baristas at that local café noticed that Y/N got her drink only by herself which was very strange for them. Lots of people noticed that but nobody asked what happened. And if somebody would have asked what happened – she wouldn’t know what to answer because she didn’t know either.

It just happened. The conversations weren’t as sincere as they were before, the sex wasn’t as good as before, the ‘I love you’s’ felt like sandpaper rubbing against the tongue. Everything felt forced. They were drifting apart and they felt that. Or at least, Y/N did.

Y/N felt so alone. She didn’t had any real friends on her campus because everybody were really fake and she didn’t fucked with that energy. She didn’t had anybody to vent to because the only thing she had was Mike.

Of course, she had friends. They were back in her home town.

Before moving to New York and following her fashion designer dream, she lived in New Jersey which she loved very much. Leaving her hometown felt like a true heartbreak. She had to leave her family, her friends, her boyfriend which was lost the next week she moved because he cheated on her.

At first when she moved to New York she applied to NYU because her mom begged her to study politics. Of course, Y/N she applied there because she didn’t wanted to disappoint her mother but after 2 years of literal hell and torture she dropped out and followed her real dream.

After applying to other university where she could study fashion and follow her passion of designing clothes, Y/N’s life felt hundred times better. She met Mike, bought her own apartment, got a decent job, had very little time left to graduate her university and etc. But she still missed some things in her life.

One of them was Grayson Dolan. He was Y/N’s best friend since they were six. They were literally attached to the hip. But at some point they also drifted apart.

Grayson was two years older than Y/N which means he graduated earlier than her and went to college in other state to follow his sports dream of becoming professional boxer. And right now, he was 25 years old and one of the most popular boxers in the world.

The last time Y/N and Grayson had seen each other was almost four years ago at Y/L’s barbeque party. Since then Grayson has been busy with his boxing career and Y/N was busy with her designer dream. It’s not like they forgot about each other or something like that. They just were just very busy with their passions and forgot to keep contact.

Actually, they never forgot each other. Grayson always wondered how Y/N was doing but was always scared to call her after he heard the news that she had found a new boyfriend. Grayson always felt something for Y/N since they were little but never acknowledged that for his own sake.

Looking from Y/N’s perspective, after Grayson took his road of dream after her sophomore year, she realized that she felt something for Grayson too. Him not being in New Jersey, in their school, not spending everyday with her and just being away in general – ruined her. She felt so lonely.

And that is the same feeling that Y/N was feeling right now. Her heart was aching. She needed someone.

She needed Grayson.

She unlocked her phone and decided to check his social media to see what he was up too.

His Instagram was full of pictures of in the ring from the fights, selfies with trophies he had won, shirtless mirror pics in the gym. Fuck, he got hotter. Y/N whispered to herself.

He has gotten so big since the last time she saw him. He was so built. His veins were popping out of every inch of his arms, his biceps looked almost bigger than his whole head, you could easily tell his abs were rock hard and bunch of the new tattoos he had gotten looked better than ever on him. The green shorts he was wearing in the picture complimented his golden skin so well, it made him look like a some kind of greek god.

But one picture caught her eye and it made her heart to sink.  

It was a picture of him and some girl kissing on some fancy looking balcony. He finally found somebody.

She felt happy for him because he looked genuinely happy and you could easily they loved each other very much. But also, deep inside Y/N kinda wished it was her.

Y/N shook that thought away immediately because she remembered that she still had a boyfriend. But she still needed to call him because her emotions were building up so much, she didn’t knew what to do.

Scrolling through her contact list she found his number but hesitated to call him. Maybe he changed his number? Maybe he doesn’t even remember me anymore? Maybe his girlfriend hates me because Grayson has told her something about me? Maybe he won’t even pick up? Millions of thoughts rushed through Y/N’s head as her finger lingered above the little call button.

After two minutes of thinking she whispered to herself Fuck it and pressed the call button.

The call was dialing, her heart was beating in her ears which meant he didn’t changed his number.

“Hello?” Grayson’s voice sounded groggy which meant he was probably sleeping but also he sounded very confused.

Y/N breathing stopped as soon as she heard his voice. Her heart was beating out of her chest, she didn’t knew what she was feeling. “Grayson?”

“Pumpkin?” Y/N’s heart swelled with joy. He remembered her nickname. It was hers since she was seven or eight.  

On the other side of line, Grayson’s heart was racing. He haven’t heard from her since that barbeque party and hearing it again made him dizzy. His girlfriend of three months, Jade, was wrapped around him and didn’t heard his phone go off which made Grayson calm for some reason.

“You remember…” Y/N whispered almost inaudible but Grayson heard her.

“Of course I do, what do you mean?” He chuckled as his lips formed the biggest smile ever. It has been a long time since Grayson has smiled that hard.

“I don’t know… It has been a long time, I thought you forgot…” Y/N sighed confessing. Even after almost four years Grayson still could tell when Y/N was sad and he knew for sure that she was sad now.

“I will never forget, Y/N. Anyway, why are you calling?” Grayson asked still feeling confused.

Y/N wanted to tell him everything. How she felt, how Mike was making her fell, how he was making her feel, how she missed him, how she wanted to be beside him right now but she couldn’t.

She felt her chest closing due to amount of emotions she was feeling. “There is a lot of reasons but I don’t know how to talk to you anymore.”

Those words hurt both of them. They both felt guilty for not being in touch with each other.

“Pumpkin…” Grayson sighed “You know I’m always there for you.”

After those words Jade started shifting around in Graysons arms. “Babe?”

Y/N heard her voice on the other line and it made her heart shrink. Sadness and jealously took over her head. She wished it was her calling him babe.

She heard Grayson calm her down, “Go to sleep, angel. Old friend of mine called.”

Y/N couldn’t handle hearing him call somebody else Angel and him calling her ‘old friend’. This meant that he didn’t told Jade about her. But why?

Jade was to sleepy to understand what was happening so she just drifted to sleep again.

“Oh, I don’t want to interrupt your girlfriends sleep. Maybe I will call tomorrow. Bye!” Y/N murmured fastly and hang up the phone.

“Wai-“ Grayson was cut off and was left confused again. He knew for sure he won’t be sleeping tonight after this unexpected call. His head was going crazy with thoughts. Why she called? Is she in trouble? What happened?

Dropping her phone Y/N groaned into her hands. She felt so devastated and vulnerable.

She walked to her kitchen counter and looked for her sleeping pills because she knew for a fact – without those she won’t asleep tonight.

-

The next morning Y/N was woken up by her phone ringing. She didn’t even looked who was calling and just picked up her phone.

“Hello?” She answered.

“Pumpkin? Are you okay?” It was Grayson. Y/N eyes widened immediately and she wasn’t sleepy anymore.

“Grayson? Yes? Yes. I’m okay.” Her heart was running a fucking marathon just by hearing his voice.

“Why did you call yesterday?”

One trait that Y/N always had was that she always said what she meant. She hated beating around the bush and talking in hints. She also hated when other people did that too.

“To be fucking honest Grayson. I’m a fucking emotional mess right now and need some kind of support because I never felt more lonely.”

Grayson felt his heart break a little by hearing those words. He wanted to punch himself for not calling her from time to time.

“I will be in New York next week. Please, wait for me.”

After the call Grayson’s girlfriend was very suspicious about his old friend. Grayson avoided every question about her and it made Jade furious.

“Can you just tell who is that old friend and why are you calling him Pumpkin?!” Jade snapped walking towards him.

“I want to have some alone time right now, Jade. Please leave me alone.” Grayson sighed walking away and leaving Jade angry and confused.

-

The whole week flew by very fast.

Y/N tried to call Mike but he wasn’t answering his phone and just sending texts like ‘sorry, babe. Working.’.

It made Y/N even more devastated because she was so hopeless about this relationship. She loved Mike but after hearing Grayson’s voice again, she was confused about everything.

On the other hand, Grayson tried to shake Y/N out of his head because he knew he was hurting Jade and himself too.

He told Jade everything about her, except the fact that he had feelings for Y/N almost all his life.

The day came. They were meeting after four years.

Both of them were feeling scared but also excited. I think it’s kind of obvious why Grayson is feeling scared.

The fear of catching feelings again was haunting both of them. Grayson didn’t want to ruin his relationship with Jade and Y/N didn’t want to ruin his relationship because she would feel very bad because she is not selfish.

After having breakfast with his girlfriend, Grayson got a text from Y/N that said ‘meet me in 10. here’s my address.’. It made Grayson’s stomach twirl in the good way.

Jade knew about this ‘meeting’ but she didn’t said anything about it even though she was against it because she knew it will make Grayson very mad.

“I gotta go, babe. Love you.” Grayson kissed her and ran out of door while his personal driver was waiting for him.

Jade closed the hotel room door and sighed. She was feeling fear. She was scared of this Y/N chick.

Jade saw the look in his Grayson’s eyes as he talked about Y/N to her. They looked like they had stars shining inside of them. He talked about her like she was the biggest star of the universe and it made Jade very insecure because he never talked about her like that and since that night, when Y/N called him, Grayson’s wasn’t the same.

He was losing sleep, he was being alone in his thoughts more often, he drank more than usual and he skipped a lot of his trainings which made his agency very mad but at this point he didn’t care. He just wanted to meet her.

Grayson’s ride went faster than ever because he was lost in his train of thoughts.

“Sir? You’re here.” Marco, his personal driver, said while snapping Grayson out of his train of thoughts.

“Thanks, man. Have a day off, I will walk back.” Grayson patted his shoulder and got out of the car.

And there he was. Standing outside of Y/N’s apartment complex as his heart was beating in his ears.

After walking in Grayson spent about seven minutes trying to find her apartment door but it was unsuccessful because he had to ask for help.

His head was getting dizzy just by standing in front of her door. His mind was racing hundred miles per hour and he felt like he was going to pass out. Grayson lifted his hand to ring her doorbell and he started freaking out even more.

Running was heard from other side of the door and after couple of seconds it opened revealing something that made Grayson’s heart flutter.

It was her.

“Pumpkin…” He sighed grabbing her into his arms.

Y/N felt like she was dreaming as she wrapped her tiny arms around him. Everything felt so familiar. His scent, his embrace, his touch. She felt like all her emotions were going to fall out of her at this moment. “Grayson…”

None of them wanted to let go. They wanted to stay like this forever. It felt so right for them to be in each others arms.

“I missed you so much.” Y/N voice cracked as she felt tears building up in her eyes. Grayson pulled away from the hug hearing her voice crack.

She’s got more and more beautiful. Fuck. He thought but then he saw the tears and his face softened. “Oh god, angel, I missed you too. Please don’t cry, it hurts me so much and blaming myself I haven’t called you.” He cupped her face and wiped her cheeks. Y/N was afraid to look him in the eyes.

The fear that were haunting them about ruining his relationship came back again because as the second they looked into each others eyes it was over. Mike and Jade was forgotten.

There was no turning back. All of their feelings came back. The flashbacks, the memories, everything.

They were fucked.

“Come in” Y/N said pulling away from Grayson’s hands because she felt guilty.

Grayson walked in admiring her place. He remembered how Y/N always used to talk about decorating her first apartment and how she couldn’t wait for it. And here is she was 6 years later, living here in her own imagination.

“You made it.” He whispered proudly.

“What?” Y/N asked confused.

“You made it. Your place looks like it was taken out of your imagination.” He explained while plopping down on her couch and admiring all the details around him.

Y/N felt her stomach twirl. He remembers…

“Yeah… It look a lot of time to furnish it. Anyways, do you want anything? Coffee, water?” She asks still avoiding eye contact with him.

And, of course, he notices that. “Yeah. First of all, stop avoiding eye contact, I’m not stupid. And second of all, tell me everything.”

He pats a place on the couch next to him and gives her a smile, “Come on, Pumpkin. Like the old times.”

Y/N took a deep breath and walked towards the couch. Her whole body felt hot and not because of the hot summer weather.

She sat down next to Gray and he wrapped his arm around her shoulder which made Y/N’s stomach do backflips. “Spill.”

-

[rigelmejo]

Things I can confirm with my personal learning experience are possible:

1. Yes learning up to HSK 4 materials within a year is possible. I think as long as some effort is put into ensuring that material is part of what you study, it can be worked through within a year. I read one persons claim that they learned up to HSK 4 with their self-made flashcard study materials in 8 months. I can believe that... it took me roughly 10-11 months to learn up to that amount of HSK 4 material. If I’d been studying primarily FOR HSK levels, I probably could have covered that material in 8 months. So I do think the goal of getting from no knowledge to HSK 4 in a year is achievable and not necessarily an extreme goal.

2. Yes achieving that can take as little as 1 to a couple hours a day of study on average. Some days I studied 15 minutes, some a few hours, some I didn’t study. I probably averaged around 1-2 hours a day of ‘Chinese adjacent studying.’ By that I mean: some study was grammar reading, sometimes flashcards, sometimes intensively reading some Chinese novel, sometimes studying Hanzi reference books, sometimes extensively trying to read, sometimes trying to chat in chinese with people or browse on Chinese social media, sometimes reading a manhua page or two, sometimes trying to watch a show with no English sub, sometimes watching a show with dual English-chinese subtitles and just consciously stopping to note to myself some new words I wanted to know (usually by pausing and rereading Just the chinese subs to try to understand the line, looking up the chinese words I wanted to know in Pleco and saving them). I am only now... finally.... also incorporating listening to audio only stuff more sometimes.

But basically - I just did a little of whatever, whenever, amongst the activities above. Most days I did Something, some days I spent more time than others. But I was by no means studying a ton. I probably studied as much as I exercise a day or less. Also a lot of my ‘study adjacent’ activities could easily just be part of my regular hobbies - using some of my reading time in a week for chinese, using some time I usually watch shows/YouTube for watching chinese shows, using some time I listen to music and dance to play chinese music and dance, etc. I use some down time when I’d goof off on social media to do flashcards (when I manage to do flashcards).

3. Things I think for me, based on my experiences, help me learn a language much more ‘easily’ than if I didn’t do them: reading a grammar guide super early on!!! (It’s brutal but it helps, just chugging through one quick! The overview helps!)

Learning the 1000 most common words ASAP!!! (It helps me so much and I put off doing this longer in chinese than I wish I would have in retrospect, comprehension went from ??? To me getting at LEAST the gist of nearly everything in chinese.)

Practicing trying to read ASAP and then regularly as in once every couple weeks (again it seems brutal, but helped my French tremendously, and likewise I think it really motivated my chinese study/helped me set goals/helped me improve faster).

Practicing trying to watch chinese shows in only chinese (also brutal at first, I didn’t do this until 5ish months in, but its been tremendously helpful for me and the more I did it the more it helped, so doing this regularly as in a few times a week helps a LOT).

Practicing listening ONLY regularly. (I didn’t start doing this until maybe 10 months in, but I have noticed it’s helping my inner ‘reading voice,’ my listening comprehension, and my feel for how to say things, a ton. I’ve looked into Repetitive Listening lately and I think it may benefit me to try that, regardless I can say listening-only practice is definitely helping my listening comprehension a LOT).

Studying the first 500ish Hanzi from a mnemonics source. (I used a book, and that starting point carried me all the way to where I am now - I probably need to do more of this soon, either with a book or Heisig mnemonic flashcards etc. With my books I literally originally used No flashcards for Hanzi I just read a mnemonic reference book - the Tuttle 800 characters one - about halfway through in chunks of 1/2 to 1 chapter a day. That’s it. And occasionally I’d flip through the book and read random Hanzi entries, and look thru it to highlight Hanzi I’d learned since the last time I’d opened the book. Probably the lowest effort way to do this, if u hate flashcards and can tolerate reading like me - however I was often watching chinese dramas with English and Chinese subs, so I was ‘seeing’ Hanzi I’d studied regularly in my shows, which probably helped me remember them.)

In summary: reading a grammar guide fast, learning high frequency Hanzi ASAP, learning the most common words, and immersing often Even in the earlier months when it was harder for me (with reading, shows with only chinese subs, shows with dual subs while looking up words I noticed, and with audio only like audiobooks/songs). I genuinely think reading from like months 2 onward while BRUTAL helped so much, just like it did with French. It helped a lot with comprehension and grammar ‘clicking’ in my mind, with learning wordsz Probably the Most importantly it motivated and helped me really measure my progress, and also helped me pinpoint my goals then set them regularly.

It’s kind of rough trying to read early on when your comprehension Might genuinely be at like 20%. But for me it really helps so much it’s worth doing. I did it on a whim for chinese study, because it’s basically the main way I studied and learned French. And wow am I glad I tried to apply it to chinese. I’m so glad I didn’t get so intimidated by the hanzi that I didn’t... try. I think me trying so early also made the difficulty curve always feel Rewardingly and Refreshingly easier constantly, even though it’s still difficult lol. But never as difficult as the time before, etc. Which is always a nice feeling.

—-—-

Yeah I read an article recently, by a man named Timo who made (a very nice) 3 part Anki deck for Chinese (I’m using his HSK deck since it has example sentences - and visual images of the sentence scenes - for every word, something my memrise decks lacked, but helps a ton with context and proper usage). His decks also included a grammar guide deck fbut another person made a version that displays better of that kind of deck which is what I’m using). Anyway, In his article he said he learned to HSK 4 in 8 months with his decks.

I’ve been mulling over if that’s reasonable, when I realized I also basically did that it just took me a couple more months since I didn’t even focus primarily on HSK level material coverage until I Was 8 months in already. In retrospect, I think it’s definitely a goal that’s attainable. It’s not so wildly difficult that only aspiring polyglots or intense studiers could manage. I think he studied like roughly an hour a day too, so likewise his study habits were pretty normal and not extreme time-wise.

—-

Now, this last bit is pure rough opinion based on what i think the levels match up to based on what I can comprehend versus what I could in French. So take everything below with a huge amount of salt. To be fair... I think HSK 4 really is a reasonable goal to aim for. I think it feels a lot like B1 level in French was - I can start to read most things for at least bare minimum gist of the main ideas, and some things in topics I’m familiar with (or with more common words/phrases) I can understand 90-100% of including all the specific details.

Basically, it gets me to where I can start picking up the meaning of at least some things in context, and the point where i can at least guess what a sentence is doing a Bit based on its grammar clues. like noticing the adjectives, verbs, tenses, nouns, and at least being able to guess if the unknown words could drastically affect the meaning of the sentence - example: I can tell if it’s a descriptor of location in a scene I could possibly Skip and still follow the plot, or an adjective I could guess means something similar to the previous more noun-heavy description, or if it’s a noun being interacted with/verb doing something I need to look up to follow the plot. HSK 4 also gets me to where I can start to follow most everyday basic convos, and some more specialized ones as long as they’re on topics I know some words for/or use common words. Examples: most shows for at least 50% of the dialogue, small talk, Internet comments, basically stuff surrounding context is usually related to. And i can talk about some of that comfortably (this is my weak spot, as it is in French, cause I need to practice more to expand my active vocabulary).

So, convos now can be followed and at least understood (and sometimes participated in) like when I was in maybe 1st or 2nd grade in English. I can engage with a lot of topics, Especially if most words used are common words, but once things get specialized I have a lot to either ‘learn/lookup’ or need to ask clarification about. Reading/watching is a bit easier then convos, since often the material provides enough context for me to ‘guess’ some of that specialized stuff’s meanings as it comes up.

But I say kind of comparable to B1 because... well for me french at this level was usable, but not ‘easy’ and not fully functional to the point I could say I can reasonably rely on it for any general needs/wants. I think B2 is more when you start being able to comfortably write/speak on most any topic at least to some general capacity, and can comprehend enough you feel comfortable following and catching main points and most general details (so not needing to look up 20% of what you hear/read for a decent chunk of certain clarification). And I do Not think HSK 4 (at least my own coverage of it) is able to do that B2 kind of stuff. I can do the ‘B1 kind of stuff’ with weak spots in production (just like in French, because I don’t practice those skills enough).

[maklodes]

I don’t usually do tumblr sadposting, but I guess maybe the holidays are getting to me and such. I already posted this on /r/trueoffmychest. I’m not sure whether posting this stuff or bottling it up (my usual practice) is better, but I thought I’d give this a shot. I may decide this makes me feel worse and go back to bottling it up. I have no strong feelings about whether you reblog this or not. Potentially distressing content below the cut. 

I just feel like it's too late to form real relationships or succeed in life in conventional terms.

Background: I am thirty-five year old man. I don't really have any real friends, and feel like I haven't really since high school (and not many then). I am a kissless virgin straight guy. I am back living with my parents. I have a very spotty employment history, sometimes working with startups that never went anywhere, sometimes doing part time work doing things like Solidworks CAD design stuff. I followed a weird path academically, got a bachelors in economics, then a masters in mechanical engineering. I'm starting a new CAD job in January. The money is okay ($30/hr), but it is part time with fluctuating hours, and generally my résumé is as holey as Swiss cheese.

I have been getting therapy, and have been diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum. My therapist and some other people have recommended resources to help me try to get out more. I started going to a group that hosts events for people on the autism spectrum, and I went to vocational rehab which connected me with MERS Goodwill which has provided employment counseling that I felt didn’t help much in getting a job (I got my new job primarily through an unrelated personal connection), but maybe did help me in overcoming the severe anxiety I feel around applying for jobs. I also started going to a kind of Jewish young-adult oriented group.

It just doesn't feel like it helps. I can't really connect with people, whether allistic or autistic. I feel like in primarily allistic gatherings, groups of people are already engrossed in their own circles before I know how to break in. I can talk a little bit, but I feel like often the conversation goes into areas I just can’t relate to. In autistic groups, well, I don’t really like to say this, but I find a pretty large fraction of fellow autistic people annoying. Even on weeks when I have a fair number of events that I’m involved with, I feel like I “go to events” rather than “have a social life.” Even when I talk to people, I feel like it’s okay as a one-off conversation, but don’t know how to build deeper relationships.

When I look outside myself, trying to see the world beyond my personal problems, I also feel depressed about the state of the world. I feel like Donald Trump, Mitch McConnell, and their friends are destroying my country. I feel like we are missing the chance to keep this planet livable, and now maybe it’s too late. I think about the horrific abuse of animals in factory farms on the scale of tens of billions per year.

I’m not really doing anything to solve these problems or make the world a better place, but I feel like I have to at least try not to make them too much worse. I’m vegan, and I avoid driving when I can, usually bicycling or taking public transit. It’s not enough, CO2 levels are still rising, billions of chickens are still being slaughtered, etc, and more systemic solutions are needed, but I feel like even that bit of harm-reduction I do further alienates me from people, and makes me more of an awkward weirdo in social situations, bringing my own food to pizza parties and stuff. I feel scared of a lot of left-leaning activism, because a lot of social justice rhetoric isn’t good for me psychologically.

I have a hard time using “real-name” social media like Facebook, or online dating. I have a Facebook account but use it about once a year. I’ve never tried any online dating. I think a few women have expressed interest in me in the past that I was largely too oblivious to pick up at the time (e.g., a girl who mentioned that she like guys with eyes the same color as mine), but I find it really inconceivable that any woman would be attracted to me with my life in its current state. (Physically, I’m okay-ish, but at my age, well, my nasolabial folds are starting to get deeper, etc.)

I’m into some nerd stuff, but I feel like I can’t get into a lot of the “mainstream nerd” interests like Star Wars, Marvel, Game of Thrones (I read the ASoIaF books, but only watched about one episode of the HBO show), etc. One mainstream nerd interest I enjoyed was some tabletop RPGs that I played with online friends a decade ago, but I feel like I don’t know how to get into a scene like that IRL.

I play too much multiplayer Mount & Blade: Warband (9 hours over the past 2 weeks, according to Steam), and really nothing else in my Steam library. People on a server there recognize me and sometimes talk to me, and I sometimes chat there too,  but I tend to shy away from forming real relationships. I always feel a little uncomfortable when people recognize me and want to talk at a personal level. I also look at a fair amount of hentai and furry stuff, and play some pornographic games. Sometimes laughing at jokes and stuff I see on Tumblr makes me feel happy for a time. The discussions are sometimes good too.

I feel that I’m in a lot of ways like the standard image of the Loser Bad Guy that I see in the media: the socially alienated guy who goes on a shooting rampage, the hateful misogynist incel, the isolated, downwardly mobile angry white male who posts Pepe-in-a-MAGA-hat memes on 4chan. I’m not planning on doing a shooting rampage or anything, but sometimes I just look at myself, and think: what a creep. What a waste of food and water and air. Sometimes I fantasize about getting into an accident that leaves me braindead so my organs can go to people who would make better use of them than I am.

I wish I could be more happy and grateful for the ways in which I am blessed. I am in decent health. I have enough to eat. I have a roof over my head. I am not locked in a battery cage where I can’t stretch my arms out. I am a straight able-bodied white male from an upper-middle class family living in a first-world country. Maybe I just have an unwarranted sense of entitlement, but I don’t know how to be happy with me life as it is.

Sometimes I just feel really angry at myself, for not being smarter, for not being more mature, for not taking advantage of more opportunities I’ve had in the past, for not being more motivated to change, for not doing more to help the people I could. Sometimes I just feel angry at myself for being angry at myself, for my own futile, unproductive anger over my own flaws.

I don’t really feel I talk honestly about this stuff with anyone I know. Sometimes I talk to my therapist, and I don’t lie to her, and she knows the core facts that I laid out here (difficulty with employment, relationships, etc), but I feel like I always shade toward something a little brighter than how I feel -- or, at least, how I feel at my worst moments. Maybe it’s just that my moments with her really aren’t my worst moments, so I’m not in the frame of mind to say how I actually do feel in my worst moments. With my dad, I feel like he thinks I’m just being overly dramatic and irrational. Maybe I am, but if so I don’t know how to be rational, at least consistently. With my mom… well, I usually don’t talk to her about this stuff. I feel like when she sees weakness, she goes in for an attack.

So, I thought I’d give the whole Tumblr sadposting thing a shot. Maybe baring myself like this will be mortifying, maybe cathartic, IDK. Try everything once, right?

[ftm-quest]

Hello, so I figured I might as well talk a little bit about my last surgery on the 26th of July.

As I’ve mentioned before, in Germany (or at least in my clinic) there are four total stages to phalloplasty: 1. “kleiner Aufbau” (clitoral release/metoidioplasty, urethral lengthening, vaginectomy, oopherectomy, hysterectomy), 2. “großer Aufbau” (the phallus is formed using skin from the forearm, urethral opening is pointing down again), 3. connection of the new urethra in the phallus, construction of the glans and scrotum, 4. erectile and testicular implants. Far as I’m aware, these stages are broken up to lower the risk for complications.

I am now about 2 weeks post stage 1. Overall I had to stay in the hospital for 10 days post op. I went to the Chirurgische Klinik München Bogenhausen, which is a clinic with a team of very skilled, young and well trained surgeons, well known among trans men for their skill in phalloplasties. Absolutely worth the 6 hour train trip in my opinion. In the following I will go over more detail of my hospital stay.

Day before the surgery

I arrived about an hour late to my pre-treatment interviews the day before the surgery (thank you Deutsche Bahn), which was fine in the end though, but I had to wait a little longer at their offices. The talk with the urologist was very good, I felt like she explained every step well and carefully and took her time with me (not that I needed much because I knew about most things already). After that I got admitted to the hospital, where I already saw some trans men while I was checking in at the reception desk. My room was on station one, which is known for being the station with almost exclusively trans patients. I shared a room with (apparently during his stay) the only other guy that had stage 1 like me. We got along super well, I got to ask him a bunch of questions, it was great. Some time during the evening I had to get an enema to empty out my intestines (I also wasn’t allowed to really eat anything apart from very salty broth as soon as I was admitted, which sucked because I hadn’t eaten much all day), which was an.... interesting experience, but not terrible.

Surgery day

Once again I got lucky and my surgery was the first, so I got woken up at about 6:20 am and got to take another shower (shaved some more, I had already shaved at home which I strongly recommend, especially if you have a lot of body hair like me), put on the hospital gown and waited and waited until about 7:15 am (felt like hours) when I was picked up by a nurse and rolled down to the OP floors. Had to say my name and birth date to about a million people (for confirmation that they got the right guy) and eventually got my narcosis (took longer than for mastectomy).

When I woke up, I kinda just woke up every once in a while for a few seconds and would doze off again. I didn’t really talk to the nurses there, but listened to them talk a bit to other patients. Had a little bit of pain if I remember right in the area of the uterus and I was just kinda sleepy from what I remember. Later, when I was rolled back up to my room, the nurses told me that I had been moving a lot in the wake up room which I have no awareness or memory of at all and they had to give me some more meds to keep me still. Back in my room I think I was a bit better again, talked a bit to my roommate and all. I can’t remember that much from that day, but I know it was very uneventful, I slept a bunch.

Days after surgery

I hadn’t really eaten anything for the first one or two days after surgery because I was afraid of having to puke from the anesthesia, but eventually I got around to it some morning. On the first day post op I got to stand up once for a few seconds, felt a little woozy and then lied down again. Overall I sometimes had pain mostly in the urethra area, didn’t have much pain from the vaginectomy at first. They give you lots of pain meds tho, so it never really gets bad. On day 2 post op they helped me stand up again and from that point on I was allowed to stand up and walk around on my own, empty my catheter on my own and so on. Walking was a little uncomfortable, I had to walk kinda slow and all. Also that day my roommate got released after having some troubles urinating without a catheter, but eventually it worked out for him and he didn’t need to get another suprapubic catheter. On day 3 post op I had to switch rooms (I later found out that my old room got women and I guess they didn’t want to have mixed rooms) and my new roommate was just at stage 3. We didn’t get along quite as perfectly as I did with my roommate before (we were both sad he had to leave so soon), but we eventually got along better and better as time progressed. He had some more complications and we both ended up leaving the hospital on the same day. But it was pretty cool because he told me a bunch about the second stage, gave me some tips and actually showed me his penis. It was really amazing seeing it in person and not just in photos, it does look and seem quite different, but it looked very impressive and real and I just can’t wait.

At day 4 post op they removed the drain and the “band aids” over my genitalia which finally removed the pains I was getting from the band aids pushing into my vaginectomy wounds, but on the downside introduced me to the real annoyances and pains of catheters. Since now the catheter was free to move around (before it was fixed through the thick layers of band aids) it could introduce all kinds of discomfort and pains to the sensitive area. I’d say it progressively moves from just being annoying to being more and more painful. In general my t-dick has been feeling painfully overstimulated since about 6 or so days post op and it still does. On the other hand catheters are also kinda handy since you don’t have to get up all the time to pee! Also after the removal of the last band aid one day later I was finally allowed to shower again. Very difficult and painful with a catheter.

Moving around was pretty easy for me relatively early on and I could do most things already just a few days post op, except for sitting. I was worried the sitting could cause problems on the train ride home, but when I tried to sit again on the last days, I could do it without much trouble.

As the days went on, the catheter got more annoying, I got less pain meds (only at night) and the days became more and more boring. Finally on day 9 post op I got my catheter removed very early in the morning. Short little sting but nothing bad. At first I had trouble peeing and I felt like I couldn’t completely empty my bladder. Later on though, when I had an ultrasound to check on the amount of urine in my bladder (my brother who is studying medicine did it because the doctor found out that he studies medicine and wanted to let him try, was kinda awkward), I only had about 40ml in my bladder which is more than good enough, thus sealing the decision that I will be allowed to leave the next day. On that day I also took a shower and peed in the shower (which worked much easier than sitting on the toilet for some reason) and the feeling of seeing your stream go forward like that and being able to control where it goes... Much more impactful that I ever imagined. I also eventually tried standing to pee at the toilet which worked out pretty well, although I get tiny sprinkles at the edges of the toilet (no idea why) and I have to get my pants down completely. The last few drops have to be dried with a piece of toilet paper.

And so I did, the train ride back luckily did not have nearly as many problems as the ride there, although I did have to carry my luggage a bit (which you aren’t really supposed to because it’s too heavy...). On the plus side, I peed standing at a public toilet on the train for the first time, which was also pretty awesome. No more sitting on disgusting public toilets!

Days at home

On the first morning home, I had a bit of a shock because I initially experienced the same problems as my first roommate that I couldn’t pee well as in only drops came out instead of a stream and it felt like my bladder wasn’t completely emptied. Luckily it got better an hour or so later. I’ve been having that problem for all days since I got home although I noticed it got a bit better since about yesterday. Most likely areas around my urethra are more internally swollen at night and thus close the urethra a bit in the morning. I actually feel pain when I completely empty my bladder right in the area where it feels like the swollen tissue is compromising the urethra. Overall though, it’s just getting better and better. I haven’t been taking any meds in a long time, the stitched already look really well healed, the wounds on the stomach from the oopherectomy and hysterectomy are super tiny for me and already super well healed.

I won’t have to work for the next 1 1/2 weeks, which should be more than enough time to recover. Honestly with the work I do I could already work again, but hey gotta use any sick leave you get right. I am a little bored most days, but my girlfriend is coming back soon so then things will get brighter and more fun again!

Next surgery and conclusion

My time at the hospital was boring, but almost all nurses were very friendly, funny and competent, the food was decent (hated dinner) and to me it was just an incredible experience that is hard to describe to be at a clinic where almost everyone is a trans patient that is further along in their medical transition than I am. You see so little of trans men in media, in communities just anywhere and even less of trans men with bottom surgery. It’s been my experience as well many others that the further along you go on your road to and along phalloplasty the harder it gets to relate to trans men that are still early in their transition. So finally being around people like me and people more experienced than me in this aspect was just amazing and I am very grateful and looking forward to my next stay.

Regarding that, from what I heard from other trans men usually the waiting time for stage two is about 4 months, which won’t work for me because of university. I hope I will be able to get an appointment in mid February because that will be the last time I can be missing for 6 weeks (I will most likely be doing internships this time next year). More importantly I hope my arm will be ready in time as I have not yet been able to start epilation because of the long long process of getting confirmations from my insurance. I am now waiting on the last confirmation after having had a consulation and after that I can finally start. Hopefully at least the area they use to build the urethra will be done in time, as the rest can be done post op as well.

Additionally, I find it interesting to note that from what I hear in the clinic, most patients that have complications are smokers, so since I have never smoked in my life and my healing so far has went really well, I count my chances high for staying complication-free.

In the end, this stage 1 doesn’t do much for me in regards to dysphoria apart from the fact that I can pee standing (just not at urinals), but with this experience of having surgery, being closer to phalloplasty than ever and having met and talked to men that have already had it, I have never been more excited and anxious to finally have phalloplasty and I really really can’t wait until it’s finally here. I know the hospital time will be very difficult, but the joys and new discovery of my own body and more will be worth all the struggle.

[s-j-ace]

The Same Question

Chapter Six

Characters:  Shuichi Saihara, Ouma Kokichi

Words: 14290

Summary:

After Detective Shuichi Saihara encounters mysterious thief Kokichi Ouma  for the first time, a game of cat and mouse ensues as both men ask themselves the same question. Why exactly does the elusive phantom thief  do what he does?

This is Chapter Six, Here are Chapters One, Two, Three, Four, and Five

Read on AO3

[Log of Text Messages from Maki Harukawa’s Cellular Device]

From: Me

Did you touch down at Haneda yet?

From: Principal Emo

Yeah

A while ago actually

I’m actually on the train home right now

Which I guess is a little silly considering I’m coming right back over tomorrow

But also I definitely need to sleep in my own bed at least once before meeting people Kaito works with

From: Me

Ugh

Meeting people

From: Principal Emo

Yeah

Especially meeting people with Kaito “What’s your favorite blood type?” Momota

From: Me

Hey that’s my boyfriend you’re talking about

And your description is completely accurate, continue

From: Principal Emo

Ugh sorry that was mean

I’m mean today and I don’t like it

I need coffee :(

From: Me

Or, you know

A decent night’s sleep

From: Principal Emo

Too hard

From: Me

Oh, you’re right, taking care of yourself is too hard

Back to relentlessly roasting Kaito it is

From: Principal Emo

What no

I’m not roasting him

I’m just

Trying not to be mad at him because the only reason I have to be mad at him is that I’m going to miss him while he’s on his mission and I don’t understand why he didn’t tell me he was going on the mission soon enough that I had time to ease into missing him and if I’m just angry at him about that then I’ll be missing him when he’s here so I should try and not be angry at him so that I don’t let time with him go to waste while he’s not in space yet

That makes sense right?

From: Me

I mean feel about it how you wanna feel

But I’d just be mad at him if I were you

From: Principal Emo

:(

From: Me

*>:(

From: Principal Emo

*<:(

From: Me

What is that

A party hat?

From: Principal Emo

No its like

Concerned eyebrows

From: Me

What are you concerned about?

From: Principal Emo

Right now? Or in general?

Because right now I’m worried that people on the train are giving me weird looks because my suitcase is taking up too much space

But like in general I fear that I am somehow secretly inadequate according to an unclear set of standards that only exist in my own mind

From: Me

Cool

Well not cool actually

You want me to give you a ride to the open house so that you don’t have to take the train again tomorrow

From: Principal Emo

I would actually very much appreciate that

I know that the lines under the Towa bridges have the newest trains and the most up to date security and all

But also there’s just a lot of people on trains and places to hide knives one would use for a train stabbing and even thought that’s super unreasonable maybe it’s not that unreasonable because we have a lot of stabbings in proportion to other countries but also we have a low homicide rate

From: Me

Ah so you don’t just want to carpool for my charming company

From: Principal Emo

If you’re trying to be sarcastic let me just say your company is genuinely more charming than the motley crew of characters one would expect on the Towa to Tanegashima line at ten in the morning

From: Me

Even though my car has the same amount of places to hide knives?

From: Principal Emo

Yeah but those knives are for your purposes and not train stabbings

From: Me

My purposes?

From: Principal Emo

You know what I mean

From: Me

Yeah I do

Also

While I do not want to validate your fear of train stabbings via the association of an abrupt subject change

I’ve been meaning to say for a while that I am sorry that I don’t trust your detective work more often

Well I don’t know about more often

What I mean is

I think that you are a good detective

Even when you say stuff that obviously sounds stupid

And if I implied a different stance through my words or actions

Then I regret those words and/or actions

From: Principal Emo

What?

Oh are you talking about what you told me before I went to Paris

From: Me

Yeah

I mean I don’t think I’m in the wrong when I say clowns stealing toilets from the louvre is a stupid premise for a crime

But I guess criminals are stupider than popular media and common sense would lead me to believe

And I think I should have believed in you more

But also I think I was right that you need a vacation and you haven’t taken one yet and I think that’s not great for you either

From: Principal Emo

Oh um

I guess not?

From: Me

And Kaito told me you’re not allowed to chase the clowns anymore

So maybe you should take a break now

From: Principal Emo

Well

I feel like in a way following the DICE case was a break?

Because I essentially didn’t get any cases done the whole time I was working it

Which means I’ll have catching up to do when I get back to the office

From: Me

Not if I kill you first

From: Principal Emo

Sorry, we’ll have to fit that in later

If you kill me then I’ll be even more behind

From: Me

Your eyeballs better be behind your eyelids at 8pm today or else I’m taking them

From: Principal Emo

Taking what?

From: Me

Your eyeballs

From: Principal Emo

No I need those

From: Me

Then hide them because I’m coming for you

From: Principal Emo

Okay, maybe I’ll sleep a little tonight

From: Me

You better still be sleeping when I get to your house

I’ll be there 8:30

From: Principal Emo

Maki if you want me to sleep at 8pm then that means you want me to sleep for 12 and a half hours

From: Me

Did I fucking stutter

From: Principal Emo

<:( --- Kokichi Ouma's flight from the Malpensa Airport in Milan, Italy to the Narita Airport in Tokyo, Japan was the first time he had ever been on a plane by himself. He had done that on purpose when organizing the flight groups yesterday. Ace and King had suggested that groups be made up of twos and threes to avoid "unnecessary danger," which Kokichi heard as avoiding "letting our boss eat paper and be in vents." Naturally Kokichi responded that it was a positively splendid suggestion, considering he had come up with it already, and he had obliged by it, organizing them into four groups with Kokichi's own group including Queen and Jack. Except somehow they had booked tickets for the wrong flight. Oooh noooo, how could that be? And Queen had been the one to book the tickets too…

Kokichi supposed that he hadn't quite thought this whole being on a plane alone thing all the way through when he was hacking into the airline's online ticket system last night. It seemed now, in the daylight of sitting in the window seat of aisle 22 watching the clouds stroll listlessly across the sky so that he wouldn't have to look at the lady next to him paint her toenails, that there was nothing overtly beneficial about the lack of a familiar audience to his exploits. Sure, it was nice that he could have his blue eyes white dragon on the plane with him in his pocket instead of hidden within the checked bags, but what was the point of it if there was no one to duel with?

Basically he was bored.

But also weirdly not motivated to do anything to end the boredom. Which seemed counterintuitive, because not being bored was his whole deal. Then again maybe having a whole deal was counterintuitive to his supposedly liquid personality. If he wanted to stir things up maybe he should indulge this part of himself that wanted to be boring because then that would vary from his constant need to not be boring, which in excess could be viewed as boring. Then again, changing things about his personality just to avoid an arbitrary standard of boring-ness would also be pretty boring, wouldn’t it?

He tried to think of what the Kokichi who didn't want to be bored with all of his being would do right now. Maybe he would turn around and just start picking apart the insecurities of miss "my toes need to be pink for the beach!" over here until she started crying and jumped out of the plane. Then again, he didn't trust his brain not to imprint onto the next person who had long eyelashes and who he thought might fuck up his whole deal if he let it wander free into the dangerous world of airplane small talk. Sure, he could steal something or break something or just cause some sort of problem on purpose, but, very concerningly, it didn't seem like he wanted to.

It just... seemed like a hassle right now, to think about things and scheme. If he was the maitre d' of mischief then what was the point of it if there wasn’t someone important's perceptions to attend to?

So his brain was left here, grasping at straws, rewatching episodes of Detective Conan in his head, and wondering where he went wrong with the whole dashing phantom thief thing.

It also felt like there was something he was supposed to be doing that he was forgetting to do but he didn't have a lot of time to think about it, what with the recently discovered antique fabregé egg being stolen from the Suzuki Modern Art Museum in Osaka and all. How did Kaitou Kid do it?

Oh, wait, Kokichi knew what this feeling reminded him of. It felt something like being twelve again. Back when DICE was just around a year old and they were still living in that apartment in Hokkaido. They were barely scraping by at that point. Spades and Clubs were in junior high, still seriously considering going back to the old home. All the other teens were still in highschool, except for King, who was just starting nursing school, and Ace still had their first job with that phony resume Kokichi made them. Wait, they hadn't even come up with their code names yet had they? Yeah, they still called him Ouma-sama back then.

That seemed kind of silly, looking back on it. While everyone was at school or work, Kokichi would stay in that little apartment and watch anime for hours, sometimes making nasty little bills disappear through some light, white collar crime. Well, it wasn't always anime he watched while committing tax fraud. Sometimes he would watch game shows or browse the internet while sending emails that would topple companies in just the right way so that rice cakes would be on sale the next week. He memorized a lot of different security detail layouts while lazing around and rerouting rubber horse mask deliveries to the CEO of the Towa corporation because their stupid TVs were too expensive. He also played a lot of video games. Like… a lot a lot. Most of his time was spent playing video games now that he thought of it...

Recalling those times now felt like looking down at half of a person. Or more like looking back at someone who didn't know he was a person yet.

Except now he was a person and he knew that he was one and he was on a plane by himself because he wanted to sulk defiantly. Wait sulk? Sulking? Was that what he was doing?

Well yeah, maybe he was a bit bummed about Saihara. He hadn't been able to think about that earlier because if he thought about the pit of disappointment sapping in the back of his head it might suck the rest of him in too and then he'd be no use to anyone. But now he was alone and it didn't matter how he felt about anybody and somehow he was still confused by it.

Maybe Saihara just wasn't the hot shit Kokichi thought he was. Actually, Kokichi was probably just being dumb for expecting more. Or, on the other hand, Saihara might just be doing things the right way. Tracking an internationally traveling thief through flight records was logical, but somehow knowing how the trick was done made it lose a little bit of magic. Or all of it, seeing as magic isn't real and all. Maybe Kokichi had just been excited by the possibility that Saihara had presented, and thus blew his minor deductive talent out of proportion.

Obviously whatever had made Saihara so interesting to him was of no consequence now, because the detective wouldn't be able to find them with his little method this time, what with DICE staggering out the ticket buying and all. He wasn't even going to leave a note to Interpol this time around. And so the semi-epic story of Shuichi v. Kokichi would end here.

Then Kokichi could just keep leading DICE in heists. Forever. He guessed. He didn't know, actually, what the long term plan was vis a vis their ever escalating chain of petty thefts. Bishop had said they made ¥2,000,000 this month. Kokichi didn't even know how much they had saved up in out of country bank accounts. It seemed like too much.

What was he supposed to say about that to DICE though? Ok guys, we’re making too much money actually, time to slow it down a bit and face the fact that we've wasted our young lives on being only mildly disruptive to but somehow somewhat supportive of the institution of capitalism.

Then what would happen after that?

When he started planning these heists, Kokichi had never really thought of an “after” to becoming an internationally wanted thief. He had seen it as the end goal. The destiny career.

How do you end that?

Maybe he should just pull a Ryo from GX except instead of a heart condition killing him he could just jump off a-

“Ladies and gentlemen,” The crackling voice of the Captain over the plane intercom interrupted the train of thought Kokichi was having as well as where he was in his mental Detective Conan Kaito Kid best hits Marathon, “As we start our descent, please make sure your seat backs and tray tables are in their full upright position. Make sure your seat belt is securely fastened and all carry-on luggage is stowed underneath the seat in front of you or in the overhead bins. Thank you.”

Uh. What? This was a twelve hour flight and that sounded an awful lot like a landing announcement. Was the Captain on crack or someth-

Kokichi realized that the sky outside the window he had been spacing the fuck out through was dark now. Even more telling of the passage of time, though, was the fact that he was on episode 703 now, the train one where Kaitou Kid disguises himself as a maid.

In order to function like a real living person who experienced the passage of time, Kokichi banished anime from his brain.

Okay, not thinking about anime anymore… thinking instead about what to do when not on the plane….

Right, he was supposed to wait at the baggage claim until Rook, King, Queen and Jack’s flights came in. Then they would drive to the rendezvous in central Tokyo where they would meet the members who landed at Haneda instead of Narita. Then they would head to the JAXA launch site on one of the islands in the Kagoshima prefecture and Kokichi would lay out the heist plan he came up with on... the…. plane….

Oh... he forgot to do that, didn’t he?

…

See, who needed a nemesis when Kokichi had self foiling down to a science? --- Shuichi Saihara really meant to sleep last night. He really did. He went through the whole thing too, brushing his teeth, putting on a sleep t-shirt, and lying down in the bed. Yet somehow his brain never got the message that it was time to shut down.

Instead, it compulsively lit up with anxiety, which began dueling it out with the half hearted self reassurances he postulated to pretend he was coping.

The afternoon before, Shuichi had returned to the small building which served as his dual purpose home/office to find a slew of missed phone calls and letters. He spent three, gut-wrenchingly guilt-ridden hours sorting through everything from distress calls from potential clients, some well wishes from clients he had been following up with, and worst of all extremely distressed calls from clients he had failed to follow up with in wake of the DICE case.

He felt like the stupidest, most pathetic excuse for a detective on the face of the earth. He knew that he shouldn’t feel that way, but how could he not come to that conclusion with all the evidence that lay before him? Every call and letter was from a person that Shuichi had failed to help because he had somehow decided vainly pursuing international thieves was something only he could do. Maybe early on it had seemed like the logical step to pursue the thieves where interpol couldn’t. Shuichi had just come off of a big bust in the organized crime sector of Towa City, tracing back a series of revenge killings at the behest of a secretive swordswoman, and had been passively keeping up with the DICE case on the side. When he had managed to get his hands on one of the encoded letters sent to Interpol, he was certain DICE was going to hit the Smithsonian, so he and Kaito had gotten on a plane to America. And then they didn’t catch the thief and obviously that was Shuichi’s fault because the evidence was all in his hands if he had only been fast enough… So he got the next letter and pursued the thieves to Paris and he got even closer and when he failed it was even more obviously his fault because he should’ve been smart enough to notice an internationally wanted thief sitting literally right next to him. And then some how he had decided that? Stealing plane records was the next logical step? How did he even get there? It was so obviously over the line… But would he really have been satisfied, then, if he had just given up on the truth? Was he really satisfied now? He couldn’t possibly-

It didn’t matter whether he was satisfied or not. Not everything was about him. He had his own job to do here in Towa City and he had forgotten that for about a month and a half to chase after a group of essentially harmless thieves. There had been four murders in Towa City since then! And Shuichi knew that because four people had called him to investigate them! And Shuichi was aware that people would be calling him about violent crime! And he had seen the evidence that the thieves had a zero casualty count! And yet somehow he still had to have Agent Ishimaru spell it out for him that he should’ve just stayed home!

Okay he was freaking out a bit, things were fine. Interpol was going to take care of DICE now. It wasn't Shuichi's case. He needed to calm down. Stop trying to convince himself there was more to the case. Why would he think he knew the case best when he worked on it for less than half a hear? Interpol had been tracking criminal activity suspected of the organization for nearly a decade now. Then again maybe that was a point against interpol. What if they were in-

Stop! No! Not his case! Stop being suspicious!

Shuichi had other things to focus on now. He had managed to get into contact with most of the people who had left him messages, and to make up for lost time he had decided to try and take up a few cases at a time. Except contrary to his own self-conceited beliefs there were more detectives in Towa City than just him, and everyone who had called him about a case had managed to hire someone else already.

He tried to convince himself this was a good thing, as he lay awake at night. Everything was fine. He wasn’t failing anyone. There were so many other capable detectives in Towa city. No reason to be concerned.

Yeah, nobody needed him, the pathetic detective he was anyway. He hadn’t even managed to get close to catching DICE’s leader, let alone the nine other members of the group…

Well maybe he had gotten pretty close. He remembered grappling with the thief in Taipei and Milan. The close contact with the pilferer of his pursuit only made Shuichi’s own incompetence more frustrating, his mistakes made more obvious in the light of hindsight.

He really wanted to know why-

Not his case. God what an idiot. What had Dr. Iruma diagnosed him with after the thief escaped? Ah that’s right, shit for brains.

… That reminded him, he should follow up with the Idabashi labs people. He had gotten so caught up in making sure he stayed on DICE’s tail that he forgot to even perform the most basic courtesy in his practice as a detective. Being able to check up with clients, bystanders, and victims without risking a witness tampering charge was one of the main benefits of being a private detective versus being a police detective. When he had started his private practice Shuichi had promised himself that now that he could put the people involved in a case before the case itself he would do so to the best of his ability. He usually took much better care to address concerns of breaking and entering victims, what had he been thinking leaving the labs immediately to pursue DICE? Dr. Iruma had still been uncertain if her friend would recover from being shut down right in front of her! Shuichi was shocked at his own behavior. It was the kind of awful thing he would have pulled as a reckless teen detective, pursuing the truth without regard for who he accused or lied to along the way. The resurfacing of this behavior seemed appalling to him now.

He should call Idabashi labs right away to apologize.

It was this thought that finally stirred him from his half-awake stupor at 4 AM. At realizing the time, the part of Shuichi’s brain that was still capable of higher reasoning decided that calling would be rather rude at the hour, but he was too anxious he’d forget to call at all if he postponed now to abandon the idea altogether. In compromise, he took out his laptop and began drafting a letter to Dr. Iruma instead, expressing his regrets and apologies of every little thing he could think of. The broken windows, the used bomb, the cup of coffee he had made in her kitchen without asking…

He was typing and retyping the sign off at the end of the letter (Sincerely was a good stand bye but not very personal? Concernedly? Too personal. Thank you for your time? Ugh not the right tone) when he heard the knock at the door.

Shuichi blinked, breaking the trance-like state that he now realized had led him to write a four page letter. He looked at the grandfather clock on his mantle. It read 10:31 AM. Which meant it was actually 8:27 AM because that clock was 2 hours and 4 minutes fast and Shuichi was too afraid he might break it to try and fix it.

Maki had promised to pick him up at 8:30 so by process of logical deduction Shuichi could safely assume that it was her outside, coming to bully him for being sleep deprived.

Sure enough, the sound of the spare key he’d given her and Kaito could be heard jiggling in the door knob. Maki opened the door.

The desk Shuichi was working at was in his client reception area, which was unfortunately immediately in view of anyone opening the door. Maki locked eyes with him almost instantly, and the look in hers was that of disappointment.

“And here I was thinking you might actually be asleep.”

“Uh. Sorry.” Shuichi said, closing his laptop. Then he opened it again. “Hey if you were apologizing to someone for not catching a burglar in their home/place of work and then leaving while their friend was sick so that you could chase said crook to another continent, would you sign the letter ‘sincerely’ or with something more like ‘once more expressing deepest apologies...”

Maki frowned, coming in and closing the door. “I’m not good at apologies. Those both sound polite but, knowing you, you probably didn't do something you would actually need that level of politeness to apologize for.”

“Um.” Shuichi went with ‘deepest apologies, -Shuichi Saihara.’ “Better safe than sorry?” He hit print. The printer his laptop was connected to was upstairs in the office where he kept his case files, so he had to run up the stairs to grab the printed letter.

Maki, seeming to sense he was going to need a second to put his four page letter in an envelope, sighed and came into the building from the entryway. She took off her shoes, heading towards the kitchen in the next room over.

When Shuichi got back down stairs with his four page apology letter safely tucked away in an envelope with a nice international stamp on it, he came into the kitchen to find Maki unplugging his coffee maker.

Both took a moment to register what one another was holding in their hands. Then they both frowned disapprovingly.

“Maki come on…” Shuichi protested weakly. “I don’t want to fall asleep at the JAXA open house.”

“Shuichi you’re at ten-page-apology-letter crazy right now and you think caffeine is going to help you?”

“Yes.” Uh. Wait. Was that healthy? “Maybe.” Probably not. “It’s only four pages.”

She narrowed her eyes at him. Okay Shuichi was not on the winning side of logic here that much was clear. But still…

“Okay you win.” Shuichi relented, moving toward the kitchen counter as if to set down the envelope in his hands.

The second he dropped it, he made a mad lunge for the coffee maker cord. Maki effortlessly pulled it out of the way and grabbed his wrist, twisting him into a lock and then bringing him to a pin on the ground.

“What was the plan there?” She asked. Was it just him or did she sound bemused? He couldn’t really look at her face to garner her expression because his own face was currently smashed against the tile of his own kitchen.

“No plan.” Shuichi admitted through a mouthful of the floor. “Only caffeine withdrawal.”

“Okay.” Shuichi felt his center of gravity flip once more, “You’re sleeping in the car.” Shuichi realized that Maki had scooped him up into a princess carry too late to actually do anything about it.

“Hey!” Shuichi protested, a little indignant.

Being close friends with Maki Harukawa came with the knowledge that you were going to be treated like you weighed less than a ragdoll from time to time. She had a tendency to muscle her way through social interactions if at all possible. Her significant other just gave her a compliment she didn’t know how to deal with? Punch him. That guy at work wouldn’t stop talking to her about his fucking car? Walk through a door and close it in his face if he tries to follow. Her best friend wants to make a series of regrettable decisions? Physically prevent him from doing so because he is easier to lift than a handful of grapes.

Shuichi had been friends with Maki for about seven years now, and he knew this all well enough, but that didn’t mean he had to go down without a fight. “Maki I have to get my letter to the-”

“Shuichi when you get back to that letter tomorrow morning you’ll be embarrassed you even wrote it.”

Okay, maybe Shuichi would go down without a fight. Maki made a good point, Shuichi was very often embarrassed by things he himself did while off his daily recommended prescription of z’s and or caffeine.

“Okay! I give! You’re right.”

“I know.” Maki had gotten to the front door and seemed to be puzzling out how to open it with her elbow.

“Here I can walk by myself.” Shuichi made a move to roll out of Maki’s arms, but she was still gripping his shoulder in place.

“Walk to the car by yourself or walk to your kitchen and feed your caffeine addiction?” She looked down at him with a stern expression that implied only one correct answer.

“The car.” Shuichi relented.

“Alright then.”

Maki set him down and opened the door while he grabbed his coat from the closet.

She gave him another look.

“What is it?” Shuichi thought she was scrutinizing his appearance, so he mentally did the same. “Oh! I forgot to do my eyes-” Today his morning routine had been: get out of bed, go to computer, write apology letter, whereas usually it went: get out of bed, apply eyeliner, worry about inadequacies, drink coffee, feel marginally better. Shuichi had skipped the second step, and he was about to rush to the bathroom to correct it, but Maki grabbed his arm.

“Shuichi we’re going to Tanegashima in August. It’s 30 degrees there. Your eyes are going to melt. Along with the rest of you.”

Shuichi took a moment to realize that Maki herself was wearing shorts and a loose aloha shirt. Meanwhile he was standing here in his baggy sleep t-shirt, skinny jeans, and black trenchcoat.

“Uh.” Shuichi took off his coat and tied it around his waist. “Better?”

“Hmph.” Maki grumbled, walking out onto the sidewalk. “If you die of heatstroke on the way there, I’m not going to your funeral.”

“Not even if Kaito went?” Shuichi followed, locking the door behind him.

“Especially not if Kaito went.” Maki pulled out her keys and unlocked her car, which was parallel parked on the street by Shuichi’s office. “He’d cry like a baby. It would be insufferable.”

Maki’s car was an old black honda that always smelled a little like burnt sugar. With Maki, Shuichi couldn't be sure if the smell came from a baking mishap or the trace of nitroglycerin from a recently fired gun. It was probably both. On hot days the air inside was unbearably warm until the AC was turned on for at least a minute, because the seats were made of a dark, greasy pleather sort of thing that made it its mission to absorb as much heat as possible. Shuichi had a distinct memory of pressing his face against the material to avoid being shot from behind. In fact he sort of had a slideshow of bad memories associated with riding in this car on various high stake chases or on the approach of even more stressful social situations. Yet despite all that, the second Shuichi settled into the passenger seat and pulled the seat belt over himself, he felt more at home than he had pulling up the covers when he’d been trying to sleep last night.

What happened next was embarrassingly predictable. From Shuichi’s point of view it seemed like Maki started the car, he closed his eyes, and then when he opened them his face was pressed against the window and he could see the Towa Bridge Expressway zooming past him.

The road was on the upper side of one of the bridges Towa Corp had built about a decade ago connecting Islands like Tanegashima, Yakushima, and Towa City to the mainland. On the underside of the bridges were bullet trains that ran underwater between the islands.

Regardless of this, all roads feel the same under the wheels of a car you forget falling asleep in.

“Hghh.” Shuichi was half aware that his throat was the thing that just made that noise.

“Wow you got a whole REM cycle in there.” Maki seemed to hear his rooster cry of wakefulness despite the interference of some sort of j-pop song coming out of the car speakers. As Shuichi’s eyes adjusted to the pale daylight stinging his retinas, he could make out that his friend had her eyes fixed on the road. “That must be a new record.”

“If you’re gonna-” Shuichi realized his speech was muffled and that it was because his face was still against the window. He made an effort to sit up straight and started his sentence again, unobstructed. “If you’re going to make fun of me for sleeping the same as not sleeping then why should I even bother?”

“Because your health is your health and that isn’t beholden to my judgement.”

“Everything about me is beholden to judgement.” Shuichi muttered, still thinking miserably about his poor uncle’s good name, which he was most certainly running into the ground by having the office closed for another day. He was working a sum total of NO cases right now. Maybe he should write his uncle an apology letter too. Then again he wouldn’t want to bother him in his retirement… Who would want to have their nice day interrupted by their whining nephew? No one.

“Yeah, you should fix that.” Apparently driving for an hour and a half hadn’t changed Maki’s stance. She still had biting comments about his poor self esteem at the ready.

“Hghk.” Shuichi replied eloquently.

“Yeah, tell me about it.” Maki muttered in reply.

"What does that mean?"

"Nothing." Maki replied a little too quickly. She was chewing her lip. After a moment of thought she went on. "Well I guess it means something. But I'm still trying to wrap my head around it and I don't want to tell you until I have it phrased right in my mind."

"Hm. Okay."

Shuichi tried to regain faculty over his higher social functions in an attempt to discern what Maki was upset about and to make sure it wasn’t anything that he did. But while he was performing this heroic feat he closed his eyes on accident and then when he opened them again Maki was parking, presumably on the campus of the Tanegashima Space Center.

Shuichi groaned, now finding himself leaned in the opposite direction of the window. “Why does it feel like the part of my brain that produces melatonin is always waiting to get me by surprise?”

“Because you keep trying to drown it in caffeine,” Maki replied readily, seeming to have lost her contemplative mood after another hour of driving, “it’s fighting for it’s life, of course it’s going to use guerilla tactics.”

Shuichi shook the feeling back into his legs as Maki pulled into a spot. He remembered when he used to drive a lot more. When he was on the force he had access to a police cruiser, but nowadays Shuichi had trouble driving a car while he was on his own. He kept having intrusive thoughts about accidentally hitting pedestrians. A lot of grisly murders happened like that. Even now he could picture that guy whose head had been crushed under the wheel of a yakuza boss’s car…

“Come on, we haven’t got all day.” Maki tapped him in the arm with her fist, then got out of the car. Shuichi was going to follow suit, but he paused to check himself for eye crusties in the pull down mirror. He had just regained the mental capacity to remember he didn’t put on his eyeliner and now it was time to be anxious about his appearance again. Well, at least this would probably go better than the last time he encountered a social situation without doing his eyes. He really thought he’d be safe going to ask Keebo about the wi-fi, but he had managed to stumble into a robbery in process, which had then turned into a hostage situation, which had then turned into an all night police investigation and journalists tried to talk to him again and then Dr. Iruma was doing robot surgery and he got chewed out by Ishimaru again and-

“Shuichi?” Maki had ducked her head back into the car. “Are you coming?”

Shuichi startled out his internal anxiety tirade. “Y-yeah! Sorry.” He shut the mirror and opened the door of the car. It took a second to untangle his coat from the seatbelt, but he managed to get out and retie it around his waist.

“Hey…” Maki had locked the car and come around to his side. Her eyebrows were furrowed. “Are you alright?”

“What?” Shuichi blinked. Did he really look that bad? “No, yeah, I’m fine.” It only occurred to him he was kind of lying for no reason after he said it. “I mean, well. I’m just like. Embarrassed about not being able to see that case I was doing through all the way to the end. Like, I’m thinking about all the ways I messed it up, you know?”

Maki nodded. “Yeah. I feel that way too. About my own stuff. Sometimes. A lot of times. Actually.” Her fingers tangled into a strand of her hair. “But… Well, you know what he would say about it already, don’t you?”

Oh yeah. “Probably something like… the past is the past. What really matters is what you do now.” Just thinking about what Kaito would say made him feel better... He shook his head. “I really should just get ‘what would Kaito do’ tattooed on my brain…”

“Yeah, as long as you’re not in a haunted house.” Maki pointed out.

Shuichi laughed. “Yeah… I guess so…”

Maki looked down at her feet, still carding her hands through her hair.

“I’m… Going to miss him.” She confessed.

Shuichi suddenly felt extremely guilty. Here Maki was trying to keep his anxiety from preventing the performance of his every day functions and he had totally neglected to consider she was going through a lot right now too. Shuichi knew that Kaito had been a lifeline for Maki for a long time, and even though she was in a much better place now Shuichi would be much less of an awful friend if he had realized how much harder Kaito’s absence would hit her.

“What’s with that expression?” She muttered. Shuichi realized he was making a very fretful face. “Ugh. Nevermind, talking about this is pointless anyway…”

“It’s not pointless!” Shuichi rebutted quickly. “Of course you’ll miss Kaito. Talking about your feelings is an important step in processing them… And you know I want to be here for you if you ever need that. I’m your friend.”

“Yeah.” She pushed her hair back from her face. “I know.” She was chewing her lip again. “Uh. Thanks. Sorry if I’ve been kind of… mother henning you today. It’s just. I don’t want to be… Alone again.”

Now Shuichi really felt like a bad friend. “Oh, Maki-”

Shuichi was interrupted by the 2012 song ‘Space Unicorn’ blasting from Maki’s phone. Whenever Shuichi heard that song, it reminded him of udon noodle soup, because that’s what he’d been eating in the college cafeteria when Kaito set it as his ringtone in Maki’s phone.

“Ugh. I hate that song.” Maki took the phone out of her pocket. “We’ll talk later.” She told Shuichi, before answering the call.

“What is it.” Shuichi overheard Maki’s side of the conversation. “We just parked… Yeah… Where?... That’s troublesome… I’m kidding… Ok, see you there… Gross.”

She hung up.

“He says he’s waiting for us by the bus terminal at the museum. Which is on the other side of the campus.”

Oh, Kaito… “It’s like he’s making us run laps again…”

“I’ll try not to leave you behind.” Maki offered, kindly.

“Hey, maybe I’ll be able to keep pace…” Shuichi postulated. “I’ve been in a lot of chases recently.”

“You won’t be.” Maki said, already jogging in place.

“I’ll try my best…” Shuichi promised. --- Kokichi Ouma found himself wondering where exactly that big old brain of his had wandered off to. He knew that by all accounts he was very good at coming up with plans on the fly. Yet for some reason the performance of the actual organ that processed his mental functions was lacking at the moment. Like it didn’t know it was supposed to be the brain of an internationally wanted criminal today. Spontaneity was supposed to mean fun for him, but for some reason this whole build a plane plan seemed more like a point of stress than anything else. Which was weird because Kokichi didn’t usually get stressed. There was just something about this heist that he wasn’t looking forward to and he couldn’t identify what exactly it was or how exactly he was supposed to get around it.

Kokichi was still trying to halfass his way to a half decent plan when DICE reunited in Tokyo. And on the drive down to the Kagoshima prefecture he had more than enough time to think about a plan. In fact he had another 15 hours. And he just… Didn’t. He just didn’t think of a plan. He just sat around pretending to be sociable and analyzing the rest of the group’s conversations and sleeping habits. He thought that maybe he was anxious about them scheming behind his back again, but realizing that he was anxious should have made the being anxious go away, so he decided that it wasn’t that.

So when they finally did arrive at the Tanegashima Space Center in their stolen Space Center Tour bus the next morning and everyone huddled in the backmost rows of seats to hear what exactly the plan was, Kokichi had to pause for a second.

Uh. Okay. Plan time.

“You may not have noticed,” Kokichi started off after compiling some observations in his head, “But there’s an open house happening at this facility for JAXA employees and family members right now. We’re going to capitalize on that for our fakeout heist, which will be centered around the museum’s gift shop.” Right because the open house wouldn’t let them have access to the non-touristy shit. “Rook, King, Bishop, you’re going to be on that.” Ugh that wasn’t very detailed. “The fake mark is…” Fuck think of something stupid. “As many of those freeze-dried ice cream things as you can carry.” Okay that left him with 7 pieces for the real heist. “Jack, Clubs, Spades you’re on floor duty, make sure to call in suspicious personnel, we have the map of the space center in the heist planning chat.” He had remembered to do that much at least. “So spread out as much as you can.” Four pieces. “Queen, you know what you need. Get Ace to handle transport.” Should he really be delegating that much power to Queen after his little upstart? Or did it just show insecurity to not trust him? Too late to contemplate. “When you get back to the bus, text us and then take off ASAP.” The jet engine would take up most of the tour bus, so they had to get an alternative means of escape. “Hearts, you and I are going to disable security systems and get the secondary escape car.” That was something he knew how to do at least. “Any questions.”

Kokichi would usually expect a hearty “No sir!” to that concluding statement, but instead he observed a smattering of queer looks from the car full of clowns.

Hearts was the first to pipe up. “Uh, boss, your plan for disabling the security system wouldn’t happen to involve getting into the vents, would it?”

“Yeah.” There wasn’t really a better way to covertly sneak around a facility like this when their identities may be compromised. “What about it?”

Kokichi really didn’t have time for Hearts’s whole ‘I don’t like getting vent dust on my white uniform’ thing. He would just pretend like the whole group misheard him and he assigned her to ground duty in the first place if she said she wanted to swap-

“No, I just think maybe I could handle the security system myself.” Oh. That was a new one. “There’s not really a need for you to... You know, risk yourself.”

Kokichi was suddenly made aware of the bandage that was still wrapped around his forehead. He consciously resisted the urge to graze his hand over it. He didn’t want to play into the whole damaged goods bullshit that was going on right now in terms of how his subordinates were viewing him. Then again maybe that’s exactly what he should do…

“Believe me, I’ve considered the consequences,” Kokichi compelled himself to shed a single tear, clenching his fist like a shounen anime protagonist. “And though I may be suffering great pain and personal injury… I’ll risk it if it means not letting my friends down…”

Queen rolled his eyes, seeming to buy Kokichi’s bit, but Hearts still looked concerned, and now King was getting ready to add his two cents.

“Uh, Boss.” Ugh him and his stupid Nurse’s license, “It’s really fine if you wanna stay back…” Maybe if Kokichi cried he could derail this? “Your head is still healing and if, you know, an accident happens, you could re-open it and then we might have to suture...”

No, crying would just make him look worse now. The power dynamic would make it look like he was trying to convince King to let him go on the heist, which didn’t make sense at all. Maybe he could slot himself into a different group? No, most elements of this plan involved being in civilian wear and that’d just remind his crew about that time he just casually let a detective get a police sketch done of him like one of his french girls. Besides, he didn’t strictly need to participate in every step of this heist anyway. Kokichi’s real goal here was to maintain the idea in his subordinates’ minds that he was not a twerp trying to find the most unreliable time to bleed out. Hmm, okay, let’s go with this then.

Kokichi flashed an incredulous grin before smothering it into an exaggerated damsel expression. “Oh,,, I hate to admit it, but you’re so right, King.” He leaned over dramatically, “Every second is torture in this frail body of mine, it’s taking all my strength just to stand here before you!” He wasn’t standing but that was probably the easiest thing he was lying about right now, “I guess I’ll just have to.. Stay here, and.. Regain my strength… While you guys do all the work.” He pulled out the handkerchief he just remembered he had and was going to blow his nose into it before he remembered at the last second it wasn’t his handkerchief. He settled for a grotesque imitation of blowing his nose instead. He lay down across the back seat in a faint. “Ohh, alas, I fear I am not long for this world…”

   “I vote we leave him here to die.” Jack bought in, rolling her eyes.

   “I second the motion.” That was Queen, and yeah, Kokichi had expected that much.

   “Hey, since when is this a democracy?” Kokichi sat up, adjusting the fluidity of his motions to reflect perfect health once more.

   “Since our boss died,” Jack wiped away a fake tear with her finger. “I miss him every day… Sometimes I even hear his voice…”

Kokichi tossed aside the handkerchief and took a bag of chips out from the seat in front of him where he had seen Bishop stash them earlier. He poured the chips into his own lap and then crumbled up the bag into a ball before throwing it at Jack’s face.

Jack, in turn, batted it away, and it hit Spades, who caught it and threw it back at Jack, who dodged, which led the bag to hit Rook instead. Rook picked it up and got ready to throw it again, but Hearts took it out of their hands, leading to Rook just throwing air at Clubs, who squealed despite nothing actually hitting him and jumped out of his seat.

Okay, success. Concern about Kokichi’s injuries had all but dissipated as Club’s reaction got a smattering of giggles.

“Wow,” He remarked to Hearts, who was still holding the crumpled chip bag. “I’m sure a dove of peace such as yourself can handle the security system all on your lonesome.” He gestured to his lap, which was still covered in chips. “As you see I have other business to attend to.” He picked up one of the chips and put it in his mouth, chewing slowly. When he finished the first chip he issued his final direction. “You guys better get started on your assignments. I’ll be here when you need to hijack the second getaway car.”

“Yes, Boss!” Most of his crew said the words more for their ritualistic purpose of ending the team huddle rather than out of genuine enthusiasm. They collected their gear, mostly stored in beach bags and casual purses, and filtered out of the van one by one. Everyone was still in their civilian clothing, so they’d blend right in with the crowds of tourists and open-house-goers.

And then Kokichi was alone again. Except instead of a plane he was on a tour bus. Eating chips off his lap. He got through them in about four minutes, which he estimated was about how long it would take DICE to get out of sight’s distance from the bus. When that time had passed, he licked the remaining salt and grease of his fingers and then stood up, brushing chip crumbs off his lap. Once he was clean, he picked up the handkerchief he had thrown aside earlier. He folded it up along the crease lines into a square, and put it in his pocket again. He convinced himself it was just because he wanted something to do.

He went up to the driver’s seat, sitting down. He didn’t have his license to drive a normal car, let alone a bus, but it didn’t really matter because the bus’s windows were reflective from the outside. They had parked the tour bus close to the entrance in the bus lane, so Kokichi had a good view of the people coming and going from the space center. If he had put any effort into this plan at all, he might’ve stationed Club or Spade here as a look out. Well, he guessed he was the look out now. Hah. Great.

….

BORED. He was bored again. Hgghghgfffkk.

He considered hitting his head against the horn of the car just to do something and by “considered” he meant he tried to actually do it but missed and almost hit his head on the dashboard before stopping and realizing that was a bad idea. For one, honking the horn would just make the vehicle look conspicuous, which was not ideal for a getaway car. And then there was also the fact that his plan had needlessly included bashing his head again which could open his cut and just cause a big hassle when King got back with his whole ‘I’m a licensed practical nurse’ thing he had going on.

So, okay. No horn honking. Right.

Kokichi took out his phone and checked Discord. The channel for heists had no new notifications. He put his phone away again.

God he was going to die in here. Wow, needy much? Shut up brain. Um.

Kokichi leaned over, smushing his chin against the dashboard, and occupied himself by looking at the passersby and picking out random details to build conspiracies about them. That guy’s shirt was untucked, untucked had eight letters in it, magic eight balls could see the future, eight balls were round, you know what else is round? An eyeball. Illuminati, natch. Next. That woman’s achilles tendon was chapped even though she was wearing sandals, which meant she wore heels a lot. Heel was something you said to train a dog. Who was trying to train the human race like dogs? The Illuminati. Next. That guy had really ugly hair. Looked like he used a lot of gel. Gel has three- wait, what?

Kokichi recognized that dumb hair style. It was almost like… No, it couldn’t be. The guy who had been with Saihara at the Smithsonian. What?

Kokichi didn’t let himself get excited until he spotted the slightly less dumb and slightly more familiar haircut on the guy standing next to him.

There was Shuichi Saihara, who was, apparently, the best detective in the world. Also, he was wearing a T-shirt, which was hilarious because he usually wore business casual button ups under his dark trench coat. Kokichi could see his arms, which were-

Wait, no, forget about his arms. How did any part of him even get here? How did he know? There wasn’t any way- Did he lie? HE LIED TO INTERPOL.

Wow, Saihara had more balls than Kokichi had originally anticipated. He should get out there and tickle them a little.

Kokichi started reformulating everything he had originally thought about this heist. If Saihara was going to buy into the phony heist he would have to get into the mix himself. How much would the detective have learned from their last bout in Milan? He knew about Kokichi’s head injury, surely. Kokichi stood up and headed for the door out of the bus. He would have to make his approach subtly, but the buffoon probably wouldn’t be much trouble to deal with. If anything he might make Saihara easier to trick. They were on the move, Kokichi would have to catch up. Was that woman in the hawaiian button up with them too? Yeah, it seemed like it. When she paused to look around, they paused too, looking back, presumably to see what was keeping her. Her eyes were scanning the crowd like she was some kind of terminator bot or something-

Every part of Kokichi froze when that gaze slipped past his.

He saw her face in that moment. Blunt brunette bangs. A dark birthmark. Blood red eyes.

For one shallow breath, a metallic tang poisoned the air in his lungs.

The eyes glanced unnotably over the JAXA tour bus. And then the red woman just... turned and walked away.

Saihara followed her into the building.

Kokichi sat back down.

…

…

What the fuck was she doing here. --- Shuichi Saihara’s best, it turned out, was most certainly not enough to keep pace with Maki Harukawa in a run across the Tanegashima Space Center’s beautiful green campus. Shuichi had plenty of time to admire that beautiful green color the grass had as he stood doubled over trying to catch his breath in front of the center’s main entrance.

Maki was standing by Kaito, breathing perfectly fine with only a modest sheen on her forehead as evidence of the run. Meanwhile, Shuichi was over here sweating through his t-shirt and trying not to let his lungs burst.

“Is he okay?” Kaito not so quietly whispered to Maki.

“He will be.” Maki replied, “He’s just an idiot who decided black skinny jeans were the way to go even though it’s the middle of the sunny season…”

“In my… Defense…” Shuichi panted out between gulps of air. “I didn’t… know… I’d be… running…  today…”

“Hey man, sweat’s just another word for hard work.” Kaito claimed, coming over to pat Shuichi on the back. “Awesome effort, sidekick.”

“Thanks… Kaito…” Shuichi was still trying to suppress his aching lungs into a normal pattern of breathing.

“Hold your hands over your head.” Maki advised, “It’ll open up your chest.”

Oh right, right. Shuichi should know that by now. He moved up from his hands-on-knees-to-make-sure-he-didn’t-fall-over position to one where his arms were up with his hands on his head. Immediately he found breathing easier, although the air was just as hot and stifling as before.

“You know,” Maki was looking at Kaito now. “We wouldn’t have had to run if you had been more specific before I paid for the parking permit… You said you wanted to show us the launch spectation sites, so our car is parked all the way out there...”

“Well, yeah, I did say that…” Kaito was characteristically unflustered by the accusation, “but, then I realized it would be better to show you guys the museum building first! This way we can take our time looking at the launch viewing sites without having to worry if the museum will be open or not later...”

Shuichi wondered if that was just an excuse for Kaito changing his mind about hiking when he realized how hot it was today.  Kaito had a tendency to be a little unreliable when it came to making plans with friends, but then again Shuichi also had a tendency to forgive him for that.

Maki usually did not. So when Maki just sighed and shook her head, Shuichi took that as a signal to let Kaito off the hook on this one.

…

It was so strange to think that in just another week, Shuichi wouldn’t be able to make any plans with Kaito at all…

Ugh. He shouldn’t think about that right now.

“Hey, what’s with the sour looks, you two?” Kaito’s words made Shuichi aware of his own conflicted expression, “Come on, I know what’ll cheer you up!” Kaito turned, walking towards the entrance and gesturing for them to follow him with a sweeping arm movement.

Shichi complied, but stopped when he noticed Maki wasn’t moving with them.

Instead, she was scanning the parking lot behind them with a dangerous look in her eyes…

“... Maki?” Shuichi asked hesitantly.

She didn’t seem to register him, but Kaito did, turning back around.

“Is something the matter, Maki Roll?” He called.

That seemed to snap her out of it. “It’s nothing.” She shook her head and started walking into the building. “Let’s go inside.”

“Hey, what’d I say about secrets?” Kaito confronted her, but he followed her through the doors anyway, Shuichi not far behind him.

“I never agreed to that…” Maki muttered, still walking. “But it really isn’t anything. I just felt like someone was watching us out there…”

Shuichi felt a chill go down his spine. He had also felt something off, but he thought it was just a him thing. He had been seeing the faces of DICE in random passerby ever since he touched down in Tokyo and it was setting him on edge even though he knew his suspicions were completely unsubstantiated. In fact there had been that big tour group of 9 or 8 people that passed them by while they were at the entrance... Could-

“Oh well, they probably were,” Kaito shrugged, “You know, I’m a famous astronaut and all.”

Oh. Yeah. Duh. Maybe the chill Shuichi had felt was just the museum’s AC …

“That isn’t…” Maki cut herself off, seeming to think better of whatever she had been about to say. “You’re probably right. Don’t make a big deal out of it.”

“Alrighty, whatever you say, Maki Roll.” Kaito moved forward as if the issue was entirely settled and had maybe never been unsettled in the first place. “Now come on! I want to show you something!”

What Kaito had wanted to show them turned out to be a series of star maps that were up for display as a promotion for the upcoming launch. Included were larger infographics about which lights in the sky were actually satellites, but those weren’t what Kaito was interested in.

“Look!” He exclaimed, pointing at a section of one of the maps, “Right here! What do you see?”

“Stars?” Maki asked, looking mildly amused by her boyfriend’s enthusiasm.

“Well, yes but…”

“Oh!” Shuichi exclaimed, now pointing as well. “I recognize this one! It’s the beard of despair!”

He was pointing to a circle of stars that he and Maki had named after the cheek to cheek beard Kaito came back from his winter break with in their last year at Towa Community College.

“Hey, that’s right!” Maki exclaimed.

“Why is that the only one you guys remember…” Kaito grumbled.

Come to think about it, a lot of the stars looked familiar… “Are these the stars that appear over TCC?”

“Well, it varies depending on the season, but yeah that’s what we were looking at most of the time!”

Shuichi was overcome with a wave of nostalgia. He first met Maki and Kaito when he had been doing the mandatory two years of training it took to become a Towa City police officer after he had passed the national exam. He had been disillusioned with a future in his uncle’s practice because the idea of getting paid to dig up dirt had skeezed him out, not to mention that he still had huge doubts about his own ability as a detective to earn a living off of it. A police detective had seemed like a more secure, if more restricting, job than private detective work.

Well, maybe it was more accurate to say that Kaito had met Maki and Shuichi and then decided they were all going to be friends because he said so. He used to make them meet him in the school court yard every night after dark to do exercises of various kinds. Sometimes they put aside exercise in lieu of star gazing when Kaito was in the mood.

“Hey, do you remember when Kaito told us which planets he thought were most like us?” Maki asked Shuichi, probably remembering the same times he was, “And when we asked him what planet he was, he said the sun?”

Shuichi squinted. “Oh yeah… I think I remember…” he vaguely recalled thinking that the planet Kaito assigned him was weird, but he didn’t remember why or which planet it was.

“Well, now that I know more about space and stuff, I think he was right.”

“Aww… Maki Roll.”

She smiled a little. “Yeah… The sun is a big ball of gas, just like him.”

“Hey!” Kaito smacked his chest, acting as if taken aback, but Shuichi was pretty sure he was secretly delighted that Maki admitted to knowing more about space now.

Maki laughed, “This is what you get for talking about astronomy every night…”

Shuichi remarked to himself how long it had taken for Maki’s laugh to seem commonplace in a conversation. She was really a lot more open then she had been when they spent those first few nights under the stars. It was understandable, though, considering…

“Which planets did you say we were again?” Shuichi found himself asking.

“Hm?” Kaito paused, squinting for a second in thought. “Uh… I’m pretty sure it was…”

“You said I was Mars,” Maki supplied, “And I think Shuichi was Venus.”

“Oh yeah!” Kaito made a sort of ‘That’s it!’ gesture with his palm and fist, “Maki was Mars because she tried to seem dry and uninhabitable, but there was definitely a frozen ocean in there somewhere, and Shuichi, you were Venus, because even though you thought you tried to blend in with the stars all the time, sometimes you could appear in the day as a second sun!”

Huh. That was pretty nice to say, but Shuichi wasn’t sure it was what he remembered…

“Oh, wait.” Maki interjected, “Didn’t you say something else last time?”

“Hm?” Kaito put on his ‘I’m remembering something’ face again. “Did I say… Oh yeah!” He laughed. “I said Venus suited Shuichi because Venus is the goddess of love and Shuichi’s clients keep falling in love with him!”

Shuichi suddenly remembered exactly why he had been so offended by Kaito’s characterization of him all those years ago.

Maki gave him a bemused look, “Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s the face you made last time too...”

“Yeah, that’s because it’s a really weird thing to say about my clients Kaito…”

“Oh yeah?” Kaito grinned now that he wasn’t the one being teased, “You can’t say I’m really wrong though, bro…”

Shuichi shook his head, “A detective can’t think that way about his clients! It’s exploitative!”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t stop them from thinking that way about you…” Maki pointed out.

“I- What- Maki-” Shuichi did not want to talk about this actually, he turned to Kaito hoping for some kind of escape, but his so-called friend just shook his head.

“You gotta face facts some time, Shuichi. You’re a heart-throb!”

“I don’t know what you mean…” Shuichi was finding that there was nowhere to hide his face and he cursed himself for letting Kaede talk him out of wearing his hat again.

“What about that girl who gave you chocolates?”

Oh, why had he told Maki that story?

“They were just for gratitude-”

“What about the guy who invited you on his yacht?”

Maybe asking his friends to help him out on cases all these years had been a mistake…

“That was to set up a trap for the-”

“The person who asked you out for dinner?”

Hghk.

“That was only to meet another contact-” “But then the contact didn’t show up and it was just the two of you.”

“They got in a car accident!”

What about the guy who pretended to be your husband on a plane? His own brain supplied rather unhelpfully.

*Bweeeeoop* *Bweeeeoop* *Bweeeeoop*

Shuichi had never been so grateful to hear an alarm sound off in his entire life.

Maki and Kaito stopped railing into him, looking around as if to see where the noise was coming from.

“I didn’t even know we had one of those…” Kaito muttered, barely audible over the continuing beep of the alarm. “I’m going to go ask someone what’s going on.” He declared, before storming off into a door marked ‘employees only.’

Maki, seemingly unperturbed by the sign, was about to follow him, but Shuichi grabbed her arm.

“Wait,” He said, retracing his own memory, “Come with me, please.”

“What?” She looked at him like he was crazy. “Where are you going?”

“Somewhere I’m more likely to get in a fight than Kaito…” Under scrutiny, Shuichi found that he didn’t recall seeing that group of suspicious tourists among the exhibits… They disappeared at the entrance, which was by the...

Shuichi started making a beeline for the gift shop, untying his coat and wrestling it onto his shoulders as he went.

“You two are so high maintenance…” Maki grumbled, following him nonetheless.

Sure, Shuichi had thought his gift shop theory was pretty on point, but when he got to the doorway of said gift shop the cartoonishly big mallet coming down over his head took him by surprise.

Maki grabbed him, pulling him back just in time. “Watch where you’re going, idiot.” She scolded him before grabbing the hammer and pulling it out of the hands holding it, which were the gloved hands of, you guessed it, a clown with a checkered scarf, standing over the doorway and poised to pounce.

This wasn’t one of the DICE members Shuichi recognized, but it seemed that they recognized him.

“What the hell is this guy doing here?” They called back into the shop, where Shuichi realized two other DICE members were shoving freeze dried ice cream into a bag, before diving down and trying to sweep Maki’s feet from under her. Maki jumped up and tried to use the gravity of her dodge to kick the clown in the head, but the clown rolled away, hopping back up, where Maki was waiting to meet them with their own mallet in the face.

Shuichi heard a sickening crack and the clown crumpled to the floor.

“Rook!” The leaner looking of the two members grabbing ice cream dropped his bag and ran up to help his friend.

“Maki!” Shuichi exclaimed, rather horrified at this level of violence, “They’re just thieves!”

“What?” Maki asked, unshaken. When she saw Shuichi’s expression, she blinked as if genuinely confused. Then she straightened up in a gesture that Shuichi recognized as sheepish even though her tone remained flat as she clarified, “That wasn’t the clown’s skull, it was the hammer.” She raised the big mallet to show him the end of it, which had popped off, “This is just a toy.”

“Yeah! That don’t mean it don’t smart, lady!” The one on the floor, ‘Rook’ if their friend was to be believed, waved off the other DICE member, rubbing their face under their mask.

“Was I talking to you?” Maki fixed the clown with her patented death glare, taking the stick of the broken mallet and twirling it into a fighting ready position like a bo staff.

“Where’s your boss?” Shuichi muttered aloud. “And the rest of you for that matter…” Maybe the gift shop was a distraction, it didn’t seem like the most attention had been given to it. Then again if there were something happening further inside the facilities then Kaito’s people were probably wise to it by now, so there might not be any point in wondering...

“I dunno, ask your mom!” The bearded DICE member standing next to ‘Rook’ threw something at him.

Maki acted quickly, hitting the object dead-on with the broken mallet handle before it could smack him in the face. It burst open, and by the time Shuichi realized it was a smoke bomb his eyes were already stinging from exposure.

“Gah!” He exclaimed, hiding his face in his arm to prevent himself from inhaling the smoke.

Maki, however, ignored the smoke, pressing forward into the gift shop.

Shuichi stayed back, blocking the doorway and tried to remember if he had seen an external entrance to the gift shop. The question was dismissed from his mind as he heard the clattering of shattering glass and remembered that these thieves had no qualms about making their own exits. When the smoke cleared, Shuichi saw that Maki was now holding the bag stuffed with freeze dried ice cream. She dropped it and started walking towards the wall of windows opposite to the entrance. She pulled back her hair and grabbed the side of the window like she was going to try and climb out the hole at the top, which the clowns seemed to have escaped out of.

Except… As Shuichi came up the steps from the entrance he didn’t see any clowns beyond the window. Remembering DICE’s knack for misdirection, Shuichi did a quick glance around the room and… There!

“Maki!” He called as he moved forward, “There’s a sliding door back by the register!”

It was open just a jar, and as Shuichi got closer he spotted the last DICE member vaulting over the balcony just outside.

Maki beat him to the door, sliding it open and hopping on the balcony. She paused for a second, then turned back to look at him. “Stay here.” She ordered, as if it had crossed her mind Shuichi might try to scale down the wall as well.

He would have found it weird that Maki would take the time to tell him something so obvious as ‘you would fall if you tried this,’ but Shuichi remembered what Maki had said to him before, about not wanting to be alone again. He nodded in an effort to reassure her. “Right, I’ll call the police.”

She seemed satisfied with this, turning around and shifting off the balcony to climb down the wall. Shuichi, in the meantime, pulled out his phone and called 110. The operator put him through to the Kukinaga substation, which was the Tanegashima police station only four minutes away from the space center. Shuichi reported what had happened, and the substation representative asked him to stay put to give a report to the officers when they arrived. He voiced acquiescence and thanked the representative before hanging up.

And then Shuichi was standing alone in a gift shop with broken glass and a bag full of freeze dried ice cream on the ground. He noticed some things he hadn’t before. For instance, it looked like the gift shop was partially divided into a sort of cafe, with a freezer full of purchasable food and tables by the windows to sit and eat. For some reason, he decided that sitting alone in a gift shop with broken glass and a bag full of freeze dried ice cream on the ground would be marginally better, so he pulled out one of the chairs, sitting at the table.

…

It was weird how much time Shuichi sat around, waiting for things to happen. Well, maybe less weird and more just plain old pathetic… He wasn’t really the action type like Maki and Kaito were. A lot of his work as a detective was done in the aftermath of events. He was usually only trying to figure out what had already happened. This whole DICE thing was a bit of a change of pace, requiring him to be able to predict the next course of events and perhaps even stop potential crimes. Except, well, maybe he wasn’t so good at that part of it… Today was pretty clear evidence of that. This gift shop robbery was obviously a ruse covering up some sort of bigger crime. Something similar had happened in Egypt, where in order to keep one room’s artifacts secure, Shuichi had to alert the actual museum security to take care of things. Except, had that really been the right choice? The entire museum besides the room Shuichi was in were rugless because he refused to take action. Shuichi knew that staying in this gift shop would prevent it from being robbed, but he had to weigh that against the great uncertainty of what was happening elsewhere right now. It just felt shitty, knowing he could do nothing right now but wait. It had been part of the reason being a detective had yucked him out when he was a teen. For a while he had been solving exclusively murder cases, which were the worst way to be reminded his job was usually only useful after the horrible things happen… Maybe working on the DICE case had felt good because so much of the work was preventative. Predicting where DICE would strike next always gave him the hope that the next time would be the last and it would all be thanks to him… How stupid…

A memory flashed through his head

“You’re really something else, Shuichi.” A face very close to his had said.

Maybe that was something else about the case that felt good. Chasing DICE’s leader had been light and exciting. A mystery less pursued out of a sense of requirement or needed justice, but rather because the mystery itself was genuinely intriguing. Shuichi had started out fearing that DICE may have had some sort of tie to organized crime or some sort of international conspiracy, but… After investigating into such ties and looking at all past robberies attributed to them, Shuichi had turned up nothing. It was almost comical how good these clowns were at going about their globetrotting crime-spree untraced. And it was weird that Shuichi kept crossing paths with them by almost complete happenstance. Sure, he had predicted their movements in DC, Paris, Reno, and Milan, but Egypt, Taipei, and now… Yeah, completely by chance. Unless… DICE weren’t following him, were they? No, there really would be no point to that at all… Hah, Shuichi was starting to see why Interpol suspected that he had ties with-

Oh, fuck. Interpol.

For about four minutes, Shuichi had forgotten how much trouble he was going to be in. --- [Log of Text Messages from Kaito Momota’s Cellular Device]

From: Me

Hey where are you guys?

I can’t find you anywhere?

From: My Sidekick

Sorry I’m talking to the police right now

From: Me

What??

Bro

I’m gonna need like

A follow up on that

From: Maki Roll

Did you not know the police were here?

From: Me

Uh no

Should I have?

Oh I get it

They’re here about the alarm right?

Well you can tell them it's nothing to worry about

We figured out that a sleeping security guard tripped it on accident...

From: Maki Roll

The museum got robbed

From: Me

What??

From: Maki Roll

Well Shuichi thinks something was stolen

I’m pretty sure I chased the clowns away though

From: Me

Wait the clowns are here?

From: My Sidekick

Sorry Kaito! I’m back

Maki is being questioned now

The alarm going off was probably staged as part of the distraction

Did you check the other exhibits to see if anything was stolen?

From: Me

Yeah everythings fine we did a whole check

From: My Sidekick

What about other buildings on the campus?

Anything missing?

From: Me

Nope everything is where it should be

From: My Sidekick

Well I guess that’s somewhat of a relief

Although that does open up a lot of questions about what exactly happened here…

From: Me

Shuichi I need you to come down to the Space center building

The one with the rocketship

Like right now

From: My Sidekick

What?

What happened?

Kaito?

From: Maki Roll

Where are you guys?

The police are gone and you’re not by the space center

From: Me

We’re chilling in the museum gift shop

From: Maki Roll

What?

It’s not closed?

Isn’t it a crime scene right now?

From: Me

Nah nothing was really stolen

So me and Shuichi were fixing the window

But now we are c h i l l i n g

From: Maki Roll

Huh

I thought you might be investigating still

From: Me

Nah

Shuichi needed to do something with his hands

From: Maki Roll

Oh so you mean Shuichi was fixing the window and you were watching

From: Me

I was moral support!

From: Maki Roll

You know you won’t be able to get other people to do your chores when you’re in space…

From: My Sidekick

He wasn’t making me do it

It was something I needed to do

To like

Avoid freaking out

From: Maki Roll

Oh

Are you okay?

From: My Sidekick

Yes

I just uh

Lost an entire space engine and i can’t do anything about it

From: Maki Roll

What?

From: Me

He did NOT lose a space engine

He was interrupted while doing an investigation on our STOLEN rocket engine

From: Maki Roll

What????

The engine in your shuttle was stolen???

Are you not concerned about that? You can’t fly without one of those right?

From: Me

Hey we’ll find it!

Or maybe we’ll build a new one

It doesn’t matter I’m going to space no matter what!

From: Maki Roll

Wait and you’re not out looking for it right now?

From: Me

Well Shuichi was having a moment here

And hey when it comes to looking after your ride or looking after your sidekick your sidekick has gotta come first

From: Maki Roll

A moment?

From: My Sidekick

I

Uh

Found out I’m on red notice

From: Maki Roll

What’s that

From: My Sidekick

Uh

It like

Means that

Interpol thinks I should be arrested

But Interpol doesn’t actually have the power to arrest me

So they’ve basically told every recognized country in the world to arrest me if I’m spotted

So maybe Japan will try to arrest me if they find that they agree with interpol that I should be arrested

From: Maki Roll

What??

Did you do something???

From: Me

No! He didn’t!

Get this

Some asshole in a green coat just came up

And told Shuichi that his boss thinks Shuichi is too good of a detective to be doing things legally

But it's like

No actually he really is just that good

From: My Sidekick

Hhhhghhhghghhghg

That was Agent Sakakura

Them sending him means they really want me dead…

From: Maki Roll

That’s so stupid

You’re just doing your damn job

Hey do you want me to kill that guy for you?

Because it sounds like he sucks and I will totally kill him for you

From: Me

No you won’t because killing is not good

But your anger is valid I am also very angry about this

From: My Sidekick

Hghfgfhhghhhgggggggggg

From: Me

Hmmm Maki roll Shuichi needs to vent some more so we’ll stop texting

From: Maki Roll

Ok

I’m bringing the car over

Tell me if you want me to kill someone for you Shuichi

From: My Sidekick

No thank you

But I appreciate the sentiment --- [Log of Messages sent via Discord to “#boss-where-he-shouldnt-be” from ???’s Cellular Device]

Ace: Hey, I know this is like a meme chat

Ace: But it's like the only one boss doesn’t have access to

Ace: And I wanted to know if anyone has noticed anything up with him?

Ace: Because I feel like he’s been kinda weird since we got the rocket

Queen: It’s not a rocket its an engine

Queen: In fact it’s actually only about 2/3s of an engine

King: What do you mean weird?

Queen: Rocket engines are built with mechanisms of fuel oxidization that won’t be strictly necessary for an aircraft that isn’t designed to operate in 0 ppm oxygen environments

Queen: So we’ll have to substitute it with an intake mechanism

Queen: Although the pre-existing combustion mechanism is EXQUISITE

Rook: No one cares queen

Queen: Its an important distinction

Hearts: Queen we have a channel for infodumping

Hearts: rn this channel is for gossiping about boss

Ace: He’s been quiet

Ace: Idk ive been worrying about it

King: Do you think it has to do with his injury?

Ace: Naw like

Ace: I feel like he was actin weird because of that before the space station

Ace: But now he’s actin weird a different way

Ace: Like before he seemed a little terse

Ace: And now he’s like catatonic in conversation

Queen: wym

Queen: I literally talked to him five seconds ago

Rook: no wait that is suspicious

Rook: if I were him I wouldn’tve just sat there and let you yap

Queen: oh shut up

Rook: MAKE ME

Ace: honestly i don’t know

Ace: but like you guys saw that detective guy there right

Ace: Do you think something happened with them that we didn’t see

King: What??

Jack: Oh you mean how boss definitely has a crush on him

King: What?????

Jack: Literally in Paris he dropped his entire 100 page plan just to go bully that guy

Jack: He’s like a middle schooler pulling pig tails

Hearts: Hmm… Hate to bring it down but pulling pigtails is a misogynistic notion that reinforces the normalization of violence against women...

Jack: It's true tho

Jack: My pigtails got pulled all the time because as you all know I am extremely attractive

Hearts: Maybe they were just bullying you darling

Spades: Yeah I can see that /s

Spades: Hey you know who really normalizes violence against women?

Spades: That detective guy

Spades: He flipped me in Milan!

Spades: Guy knows fucking aikido or some shit

Spades: And boss isn’t really a fan of violence

Rook: No wait

Queen: What? I thought he really liked yamikawaii shit

Rook: Even though that guy’s friend literally gave me a black eye

Spades: No I’m pretty sure he hates it

Rook: I see what Jack is saying

Rook: Boss totally has a thing for him

Rook: Like literally you can see the hearts pop into his eyes when he spots that guy

Rook: He dropped a display case on my foot when you told him the detective was in Cairo

Ace: Okay well thats not what I meant though

Jack: What you mean you don’t think he got his heart broken by aged up kid conan

Clubs: Conan’s name in his adult form is Shinichi Kudo.

Clubs: Also I think that talking behind Boss’s back is kind of not cool guys. :(

Spades: If you snitch I’m firing you from being my brother

Clubs: :(

Ace: I just meant like maybe he embarrassed himself platonically

Ace: Or I guess adversarially? Idk whatever word you would use for that

Queen: kismesissitude

Ace: What?

Spades: I will swiftly execute you

King: I mean i guess i could see him getting bent out of shape about that

King: But we were kinda onto the detective the whole time

King: I don’t think they would’ve had time to interact at all

Jack: Maybe he’s just sad he missed him

Ace: Ok sorry I don’t know if he’s sad

Ace: Just maybe in a weird mood

Ace: We haven't been in japan for a while and we haven't stuck around a place for more than a week in an even longer while

Ace: It’s putting me in a weird mood too so maybe that’s it

Hearts: Yeah he always likes to be on the move maybe he’s just antsy

King: Or maybe he feels bad cuz Rook got kinda beat up today?

King: I mean I feel bad about that

Rook: I’m okay <3

King: I know <3

Queen: Gross

Queen: You two are literally sitting right next to each other get a room

Bishop: He seems fine to me

Spades: Oh wow Bishop stopped scarfing for a second to weigh in...

Bishop: And by fine I mean terrible because he just dipped his pork dumpling in his panta right in front of me

Bishop: Also you guys know he can see you texting each other right

Bishop: We’re literally all eating at the same table rn

Queen: Oh yeah

Spades: Oops