#i also think learning too much about my health has caused me to spiral a lot like the dr's being so chill about it whilst im in debilitatin

[sabrirene]

i fear the 'surely someone's gonna save me' in sunshine baby has an incredible chokehold on me

[lurkingshan]

Japanese QL Corner

Another show just wrapped up, but a new one takes its place next week. Takara and Mitsuya have really become the bright spots for me in this current run of shows; they make excellent bookends for the week in jql. Of the five shows airing now, four are streaming weekly on Gaga and the other is available via fansub.

Takara's Treasure

What a fantastic episode of a show that continues to get better and better. The way this story has slowly built our understanding of these characters, and their understanding of each other, is masterful and so rewarding. I really loved the direct conversation they had about Takara's post-graduation plans and what it means for them, as well as Taishin getting to the heart of things and reassuring Takara that his desire is welcome. I'm excited to get a peek at Taishin's family next week and see how they navigate whatever challenges they bring.

Cosmetic Playlover

Farewell to this very pretty show whose story did not make much of an impression on me in the end. It never found a coherent relationship arc or gave us any foundation for this romance to hang onto, and it didn't live up to the dark and sexy tone of its original promotion. But it gave us a lot of beautiful visuals!

I Hear the Sunspot

We've now spent an entire month on repetitive side plots designed to separate and cause insecurity for Kohei and Taichi, and I am over it. I understand that the show is faithfully adapting the manga, but this is the thing about adaptations: when you switch to a new medium you have to adapt the work to fit the new format. When you read a manga you can speed through side plots designed to stretch out the story, but you can't do that in a weekly airing drama. And yes, I have seen the arguments that this is primarily a coming of age story about finding yourself, but it's not doing that well, either. This job falling out of the sky for Taichi and his boss—who we are meant to read as someone with good intentions—encouraging him to drop out of school immediately to work full-time is a strange development. That it once again set off a spiral of Kohei and Taichi feeling insecure about their friendship and misunderstanding each other only makes it worse. I understand the intention: we are supposed to be getting that Taichi is embarrassed about this job because it's tied to his still ill-defined feelings for Kohei. But they haven’t unpacked his hang ups with admitting (or understanding?) that he likes Kohei back enough for that to land. We've spent so much time sitting with Taichi's broody confusion without gaining any deeper insight into its source or seeing him grow, which makes all of this just feel like stalling instead of important character work.

Mr. Mitsuya's Planned Feeding

gif by @my-rose-tinted-glasses

*sobs* Welp, the penultimate angst has definitely arrived. They distracted me with the possibility of dog death (Frito lives! THANK GOD) before sucker punching me with Mitsuya pre-emptively rejecting Ishida before their relationship could go further. And while I often roll my eyes at this kind of noble idiocy in the penultimate chapter of a romance, I think it's well-grounded in this story. Mitsuya has been worried about whether a relationship between them is right since he learned about Ishida's feelings, and on the heels of this blow about Frito's health and his sense that he burdened Ishida with this problem, he is feeling his age and his melancholy more than ever. He sees Ishida as a bright and beautiful young person that he would only drag down, and he does not yet understand that it was meeting him that brought this out in Ishida in the first place. The way he apologized and berated himself for asking Ishida to stay then hugged himself for that whole horrible conversation said it all. This also sets us up nicely for Ishida to finally make himself clear and do a classic jbl run next week (this show is ending too soon, I'm going to miss it so much). Thanks as always to @isaksbestpillow for providing her wonderful subs so we can all enjoy this beautiful drama. You can find the ep here.

Tagging @bengiyo to add this week's anime update.

[blade-that-was-broken]

Not enough fics go into the concept that JD is a parentified eldest sibling with a plethora of mental health problems who was having a breakdown in the flashback and whose life only got more traumatic after that, who has probably had a few trips to the psych hospital over the years and his brothers are all people who are seemingly allergic to showing him or each other affection beyond being sarcastic assholes (jokingly) to eachother and how easily it would be for one of clay or Bruce or branch or even Floyd’s little joking comments to hit unintentionally way too hard, set off JDs mental health issues that he ignores until he has a breakdown, and cause him to spiral into a breakdown or a depressive episode. Like people write all the time about JD putting his foot in his mouth and accidentally traumatizing branch but I think branch’s sarcastic asshole commentary would make JD have a breakdown first.

I keep telling myself that this is a child's movie and I don't think the writers are taking this seriously AT ALL. Like, it's more just of this funny little movie about funky little trolls while they pepper in issues and trauma and throwaway lines about the most devastating things.

Personally, I don't think JD is as idk crazy/dumb? as people sometimes think? I think he was overly excited cause he learned his family was still alive after years and he was just so enthusiastic about seeing them. Couple that with the sleep deprivation, adrenaline and straight up anxiety over Floyd's rescue, I just can really understand a lot of John Dory's actions in the present and how he simply was. So I guess that would be part of him pushing his issues? Aside?

The argument at the end kind of pisses me off just a bit because sure, John might be being a little bossy but like I also get it? He's extremely worried about Floyd - he doesn't care about bossing them around or the Harmony - he's just worried about the life of his brothers and Bruce and Clay just... kind of get a little petty for my taste. Like guys, it's been twenty years. Geez.

Branch is... just generally rather sarcastic. John Dory has absolutely NO indication that any single one of his brothers want him back in their lives. Branch literally disowned him immediately (I give Branch a bit of slack because well, I kinda get he's upset and he does go through the mission slowly wanting his siblings around again even though he doesn't say anything - it's a process) so it's the one time where...

I don't think John put his foot in his mouth about that whole thing but recognizing that no one wanted him around and tried to be reassuring. Like, okay guys I know you are pissed at me but after this, you won't have to be - it's for Floyd. Branch is young and he takes it to heart immediately. I don't entirely blame him. Like I said, he's young. And John is just sitting here like.... WELP

John probably is a serious introvert at this point. Kind of like he can be really friendly with people and even make friends but since he spends SO much time alone for so long, those interactions are exhausting after a while now.

It's part of the reason when I write JD, he's always getting hugs. Literally I wrote a oneshot when Floyd is rescued he's just like yeah JD I'm super happy to see you and then gives him a giant hug. And then another one.

Its pretty clear John LOVES his siblings and he's not a bossy jerk just to be a bossy jerk.

[the-arcana-headcanons]

Heyy!I had a tumblr break cuz uni and work have been eating me alive,so I am currently trying to work out my writer's block.To get in the mood,I would like to ask for your matchmaker abilities and choose smb out of the M6✨️🩷

Welp,I am a queer girl (not good on labels tbh😂),mediterannean skintone,light brown eyes and light brown hair with honey highlights (that's the best description I could give sorry hehe)

Naturally I am an ambivert.When I am in a good mood I can get really social and I love humor in conversations it literally fixes my day.Usually the energetic one in groups in which I feel comfortable but I also value serioussness and deep talks and in one to one relationships.Can yap endlessly about any topic,I think however that for some people,that can be too much.

I have been told to be the therapist friend🤠, however mental health struggles and lupus, my autoimmune disease (invisible illness team yayy) can get the better of me sometimes,so there are moments where I get more introverted and need sometime to cool off from overthinking.I have had huge trouble with social anxiety,but I have learned to deal with it.Its a struggle,but I have made huge progress and I keep trying

I hate arguements and when tensions go high.I believe that if two people really care about eachother,wether that be friends,family,or partners,everything can be solved with civilised dialogue and respect.As you can imagine,conflict is not my strong suit hehe

I study architecture,and for a hobby I do theater classes,and ballet.Home hobbies are sketching, and writing,wether that be fics about my fictional crushes👀👀 or lyrics to help me vocalize my issues.

Rock music is LITERALLY my long lost dream.

That's all,I hope I didn't come off as a narcissistic for writing so much about mee.

WAITING FOR YOUR WISDOM DEAR MATCHMAKER🤌

labels don't matter actually I just use them to know whether to match someone with the boys or the girls or both, but you said M6 so both it is

also don't feel bad for writing so much! the more people write in their requests the more detailed my matchups can be!

anyways, Julian!

Julian prefers to be in smaller groups, really preferably just the two of you, and he loves going back and forth between fun silly conversations and deep serious ones too. Julian would love your yapping, yap away, he's a very good listener. Although he does get a little spaced out sometimes just staring at you and thinking about how beautiful you are and how lucky he is and how he doesn't understand how he deserves you and then he has to awkwardly ask you to repeat yourself. Julian definitely is in need of a therapist friend sometimes but he also would be your biggest supporter when you aren't feeling as well. He'd let you take his bed in Mazlinka's little cabin and he's bring you special medicinal soup and give you lots of space to feel better. Or he'd stay and just cuddle or be there as a comforting presence if you wanted him to. Social anxiety isnt a problem for him, he's mastered the art pretending he's confident, so if you ever shut down socially he can handle it for you. He'd also be so supportive of helping you work on and improve it, it's like acting and he's great at that. He doesn't like conflict either, arguments and tension make him spiral and isolate himself, so he is not one to jump to causing tension. He may have a hard time communicating sometimes but he wants to and he tries to. He'd be so fascinated with your knowledge on architecture, whenever you'd be walking around he'd point out buildings and things and ask what you think about them. He also LOVES that you do theatre, he fucking adores theatre, he would love to take you to shows. He would encourage your sketching writing so much, he'd want to watch if you were okay with it, but he wouldn't mind if you weren't. He'd always be asking to look at your finished works too

[unforgivingchorus]

Content update for my red Robin solo run ideas

He has bipolar disorder, he doesn’t go to a doctor or anything because vigilantes are psychological freaks but the first case would be him at the start of a hypomanic episode, followed by an inbetween case then a case that’s worsened by the fact he’s having a major depressive episode (bipolar type 2) eventually it would even out and largely the lessons he’s learning would be about living with mental health issues and not dismissing or punishing yourself for them

Normally I tend towards writing autistic characters specifically cause I’m autistic but I think it would bring a lot of the up and down emotional spirals from the red robin run to the reboot continuity as well as letting me explore a more overt mental health spiral

2!

It mostly wouldn’t be set in Gotham, a lot of the smaller in-between cases would be but ultimately the meat of the story would be set across the globe, specifically focusing on post-conflict countries. Or countries where systematic oppression and colonisation is being deconstructed

Thematically this is because a lot of Tim drakes years as robin where following major personal and city wide conflicts and crisis, (see every comic with crisis in the title set in Gotham, the contagion, cataclysm and no man’s land events, and more recently the battle for the cowl and events of the red robin run). Not all of these necessarily still happened in the current Continuity but it’s not a stretch to compare Gotham to a city post-conflict or one in conflict.

Largely setting it across real world cities let’s me ground the experiences of Tim drake and Gotham itself in a more serious tone than is always given to the events. And let’s me draw parallels between Tim and the cities he visits

Also selfishly I’m from Belfast, specifically I’m a ceasefire baby from Belfast, so I’ve spent my whole life living in a country that’s in its first generation post-civil war, and I believe in that thing where writers draw from somewhere inside them for everything and Belfast is always going to have a place in what I write.

Although for This and the mental health stuff there would be a-lot of dedicated research

3

Also, despite calling it a red robin solo run because that’s the characterisation that I would bring most to it, I wouldn’t be bringing back that moniker. In fact it would probably be titled primarily as a Tim drake series, with the first comic subheaded robin but i would quickly leave the robin mantle too.

So much of it would be also about identity and him finding who he is post-mission, when he doesn’t have to be Robin anymore, and coping with the fact that he doesn’t hold any weight in his civilian identity, and he doesn’t value his own continued existence outside of how useful he can be to the mission.

Largely it would be done through nameless masks and undercover identities so I can further fuck with identity stuff

4

He is not on a mission. I think I would do something that lets me explore his childhood a lot more and his parents, so I can really dig into why he formed such a disconnected attachment to personhood, and probably by having him look into something from their archeology stuff, i haven’t thought through a-lot do what it would be and where overtime he would be much more reckless with his life and desperate to find a purpose or a way for the investigation to allow him to form a connection between him as he is now and his parents as a way to try and form an attachment and basis for who he is and how he sees himself as a person outside the mask, I also would be highlighting how he can’t walk away from someone who needs help, big or small. Real friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man shit that let’s me really hone in on the fact that brings him back to why he became robin in the first place, not any of the duty or personal trade by that came later. The unavoidable temptation within him to help whatever way he can. (And also a severe lack of self respect or value of his own life).

5

It so doesn’t sound like it but, ultimately the goal is to become more and more lighthearted over time as he develops a moniker he’s happy with and finds joy in the vigilante act again. Without ever shying away from the fact that he will never not have mental health issues but learning to cope and live with them rather than outright denying them

6

Also I want to portray someone who’s mentally Ill and extremely capable. He is just as smart and ahead of the game as in red Robin, but he’s also still the saddest boy tam fox ever saw. Ultimate he’s able to use his intelligence as a shield for why he’s taking unnecessary risk and choosing plans that put him in danger, because he can argue it as the logical choice with himself because he’s capable and it normally is the fastest or least lethal way, he just choses to pretend it’s doesn’t matter that there was safer options. You can be mentally ill and extremely smart and capable!

[ikamigami]

I agree totally, this episode felt muted, quiet, I was fully expecting more strong emotions, more crying or anger or sadness, for Sun to really let things out, but they didn't, they could've addressed so much here but they still didn't, like they always do, maybe they're saving that for Sun finally confronting Moon again, or maybe even talking to Old Moon, who knows Maybe Sun saying this stuff to Moon will finally make Moon realize how selfish he's chosen to be, though I doubt it honestly I also know people will probably accuse Sun of being jealous of Solar even though it is far more likely that after everything that's happened its more likely he thinks Moon might've cared more about Solar than him if Moon was killing to do all of this for Solar, or that Sun wasn't adequate enough to stop Moon's spiral, maybe Something's also been bugging me in that I am slightly worried that Sun's foreshadowed death might happen on July 16th, no idea if they'd manage to drag the arc that long but it's a silly thought...

This! All of this! You took words right form my mouth! Aivsjsjsnsjjs

I really hope that Moon will realize how selfish he was and I hope for the sake of my own mental health that Moon will try his hardest to regain Sun's trust, love and forgiveness.. like try really hard.. to show that he actually loves Sun!

Because I always defended his love for Sun only for him to just act like a jackass..

Sun deserves so much better and for the love of all that exist Sun and Moon need each other this is what this stupid show was telling us since the beginning..

But I really am positive about this.. cause they finally are separated.. this is something that I was hoping for for quite a long time.. cause I always thought that they need some distance from each other and I mean some real distance and we finally got that, thank goodness!

I hope that Sun will talk to Moon and maybe then Moon will find out how much he screwed his relationship with Sun..

But.. you mentioned July 16th.. and funny thing is that I was thinking that Sun may die on that day.. but I was wondering about it a year ago..

And now when I think about it.. I think that.. Sun's death will be what will make Moon realize how selfish and shitty he became..

I know that you and probably everyone will not like what I'm about to say but.. I'll say it..

I think that we'll find out more about Sun's feelings and mental issues closer to July 16th.. and what he'll learn from Dazzle will be a final straw for him..

Like I said.. to me Sun has depressive psychosis and delusions centered around guilt and unworthiness.. hence why he blames himself for everything, for how Moon turned out to be.. hence why he seems upset about Bloodmoon's death even if it doesn't seem to make sense!

And I really think that Sun feels like he made Old Moon, Bloodmoon, Eclipse and now New Moon like that.. and I really think that he's scared that he'll make a new AI that he'll force to kill.. he's afraid of it, of himself..

And I think that when he'll learn the truth about Dazzle.. it'll be too much for him to handle and he'll have another psychotic break.. and try to attempt suicide.. (watch it turn out wrong later lol)

But seriously.. I feel like there's more to Sun's feelings.. to what he told Jack.. with the things he said but didn't elaborate..

Maybe I'm going insane and I'm just imagining things.. idk.. but for me it feels like something is missing.. hence why this episode was so underwhelming..

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this, dear anon ^^

[venturismcdonald]

2024 AO3 Wrapped

number of stories posted to AO3 in 2024: 18. truly wild.

2024 published word count: 96,418. (we do not talk about the fifty three drafted fics I have.)

fandoms written for: Life with Derek (technically The Originals if we count civil blood and Gilmore Girls if we count who could stay. but those are more au’s)

pairings: Dasey. Obviously. Also Luca and Gabriel. (the hyperfixation hyperfixated)

Stories with the most

KUDOS: never trust it if it rises fast (it can’t last)

BOOKMARKS: never trust it if it rises fast (it can’t last)

COMMENT THREADS: civil blood makes civil hands unclean (I promise I will finish this one eventually. My sincere apologies it has been eight months.)

work I’m most proud of and why: my LWL compliant series after all this time (you and i), because it spans so much time and energy. There’s just so much to it and I really challenged myself with the monster of a series it’s become to make everything make sense. It’s almost 100,000 published words, which is ridiculous because I legitimately thought that would be like CMALC but nope. It spiraled and I have like twenty drafts right now just in that folder so god help me. I also had to do a lot of work to make sure that the kids are all realistic and it’s just a labor of love for me.

share or describe a favorite review you received: y’all are all too sweet to me but I really loved getting the comments on i’m not a princess that told me they related so much to Casey’s experience because I really did try to get into that mindset as someone who doesn’t date much and is a Casey. It made me feel really happy to not only hear all of the stories of people who got out, but that they felt I captured their experience well when that was all I wanted!!

a time when writing was really, really hard: honestly the last three months of this year my brain has refused to actually write. Which is something I’m doing my best to break but god is it frustrating.

a scene or character you wrote which surprised you: tbh the Peter fic, cause if you only fucked him (i wouldn’t even care). That entire thing came out of absolutely nowhere but I was listening to the song that inspired it and it just hit me. I think I wrote all of it in a week. I don’t even like Peter but he decided to go, “yknow, this is how I feel about Casey and Derek,” and I just decided that was going to be a fic. I wouldn’t say it redeems him but it was very fun to try and get into his mindset and completely unexpected!

a favorite excerpt of your writing: am I allowed to put the time I titled the Luca coming out fic “found out about you” inspired by the hit Taylor Swift song, Should’ve Said No, because I thought it was really funny? No? Yeah, I thought so, here’s an excerpt from it was the night things changed:

“When everything in his brain is too loud, Derek writes. The loudest voice in his head is normally Casey's, so the songs are about her.”

how did you grow as a writer in the last year?: learned how to actually commit to long fics. (minus civil blood, I know, I apologize. Accepting ancient Roman baby girl names.) I also learned how to harness my ability to create universes where I can primarily write one shots but they can also expand and all be connected, which is really cool! I love getting to play around with characters in longer formats.

who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (beta, friend, cheerleader, etc): the Dasey discord. Yall see fics six months before they get published and still hype me up which is literally the sweetest.

anything from your real life show up in your writing this year: a LOT of Luca and Sky’s mental health issues come from mine in one form or another. Sky’s shitty boyfriend was also inspired by a guy I dated once, but besides that, I think I wrote for escapism because I had a lot of health struggles this year.

new wisdom to share with writers: join fandom communities. Honestly. It reminds you why you love writing and provides so many great opportunities to learn from writers you admire and become friends! Discord servers, Tumblr group chats, whatever, just join them. Don’t be afraid to be annoying because you’re not, you’re getting necessary socialization to write fics! It helps you from getting burned out and you make friends. Truly no downsides.

goals for 2025: finishing civil blood. (Finally.) I also want to publish a couple of other long fics with an epistolary style about all of the McTuri’s mental health starting after Casey files for divorce where it’s just conversations between the family and their therapist! Ideally these would all be broken up into their own fics and I’ll create a sub series. I’ve got the first chapter of Luca’s down and the first few things of Casey’s done but I’m hoping to finish that. Also want to publish my Naturals au for Dasey because I love teens solving crime through vibing and making out but I have been stuck on that one for months.

[nahalism]

heyyyyy 🖤 ofc ignore and dont feel pressured to answer if this goes into too personal territory. Did you ever get diagnosed/got suspected personality disorder(s) and (if yes) did it give you any guidance/deeper understanding of yourself?

<3 heyy, — i havent been diagnosed with a personality disorder, although there was a period of time i questioned if i had bpd, specifically quiet bpd. there are still symptoms of bpd i resonate with, but they could be related to other mental health issues ive dealt with (depression, anxiety, cptsd etc) so idk. tbh, because of how cloudy it all gets, i no longer look to being diagnosed as a solution. i personally dont want to be medicated, & outside of medication, allopathic medicine (imo) doesnt have answers or solutions for the 'issues' i face. ive used therapy during moments where i feel unable to look after myself/see the situation at hand clearly, (mostly to make sure i dont regress / i have someone objectively able to evaluate my decision making, which helps a lot cause when im spiralling i can doubt myself & feel out of touch with reality) but thats about it.

that said, every symptom ive dealt with/deal with, has helped me understand myself. the way i see it every problem pushes you toward its solution. e.g, (trigger warning) self harm was a symptom of the issues i was dealing with. it led me to understand that i struggled with regulating my emotions and that i held a lot of rage. i also realised that when i experience deep rage (rooted in fear), i take it out on myself, not on others. partly cause i didnt want to harm people, also because as much as the people, or situations i was in, caused me harm, i didnt want to push them away/give them a reason to 'leave me/my life' because that would reopen wounds i had regarding abandonment and not being good enough. each realisation was something i had to confront and deal with individually. thats just one example, but hopefully it details how i acknowledge symptoms i experience, then unpack them to point me in the direction of solving the issue.

knowing these things doesnt make the issue disappear. i still get distressed, and at times my impulse is still to hurt myself. but because ive taken time to understand the issue, i have coping mechanisms in place that help me self regulate and put things in perspective (e.g journaling, mindfulness practices, learning to address situations, and communicate my issues rather than take it out on myself). at first its not easy and it feels like 90% failing. sometimes you'll know the right thing to do, & not want to do it, orrr be doing the wrong thing whilst knowing what the right thing to do is. but awareness is the first step, and eventually it gets easier. over time (and by choice) ive learned to respond to myself with love. even though i have urges to be self destructive, i have enough compounded experience and perspective on what being destructive does to me and the people i care about to not do it. deeper than that, ive trained myself to stop recognising stress and chaos as 'normal' or my baseline. shadow work helps with this a lot. id recommend reading 'owning your own shadow' by robert a johnson, it helped me understand what to do with the left over destructive energy i was no longer using & how to put it into creativity rather than let it be damaging—

i know this was super long but i had to be specific because imo theres a lot of people who claim personality disorders are a life sentence / or who demonise people who struggle with them and that something i have never agreed with or felt was fair. i do think recovery is possible. however please bare in mind, im sharing my experience & whilst i stand on it & believe it can work for anyone, i have not been diagnosed with a personality disorder. it is completely possible ive found solutions to an issue/symptom that crosses over but does not belong to the issue ur asking me about. (e.g someone could use ashwaganda to solve their anxiety & panic attacks, but that might not work for someone who has panic attacks triggered by ptsd). the way i went about things was unconventional. it worked for me, but has taken a long time, has not been easy & im aware its not a path everyone would choose. (im not saying that to be quirky. its literally given me everything but cost everything in the process). if this resonates and feels like something you can do i highly recommend it. but if you begin to struggle, get lost in the weeds or feel like medication/therapy & whatever other solution better suits you, plsplspls do what it right for you and safest for you.

🖤 sending u big love. i hope this helped

[ear-motif]

hi i saw a post u deleted and i would like to comment on it without saying too much and betraying ur choice to delete it (but if you'd like to not publish this anon, i will not be offended) ... however i want u to know it's completely 100% normal and okay. we live in a society and all things are progress (in case u needed to hear it). i've experienced that as well and i think about it like this: things around you that you experience are no more than the language of the world. you are learning a new language in which to express yourself. immersion (if possible) even in small and growing increments helps wildly. and, until you are comfortable enough to speak that language, stay silent. just listen and learn until you're ready. but if everyone around you is speaking a different language, you couldn't possibly be ready from the start! its very okay and while i respect and understand why you deleted, i did really enjoy the vulnerability. it was brave and true <3

YOU ARE SO SWEEEET THANK U SO MUCH ANON feel free to hop in my dm's any time.

So I had a post up for like 5 mins talking about struggling with internalized queerphobia and this is one of those days where the adderall hit well enough for me to perceive myself so here's some detail on that

So I've identified as a more-or-less-binary trans man for ~4 years now. I've been closeted to a majority of people that whole time, as I was busy with school, my family is/was unsupportive, and my mental health has been too shit for me to deal with transitioning on top of everything else.

But because I've waited so long I'm thinking...well am I really trans? And the long and short of it is; I don't really care anymore if I'm "technically" trans or not. But if I'm not a trans man, then the easiest way to communicate my identity would be butch and/or nonbinary (which, I know nb is still trans but its different than man so idk).

But I've aaalways been super uncomfortable being thought of as a lesbian. One reason, which is the easy one, is because it's simply not true. I'm bi/pan and I'm attracted to men. That's a solid part of my identity and I don't see that changing any time soon.

But hating being seen as nonbinary and/or butch (if we assume butches can be non-lesbians, idk what the community consensus is on that tbh) is a little...weirder. I shouldn't be so angry and worried about being perceived as a lesbian, lesbians are awesome. At first I thought well it's because I hate being seen as a woman, duh. But like...a lot of lesbians, especially butches, don't like being referred to as women either. So that felt like a cop-out.

And basically what I've realized is that this fucking pattern I've had of being extremely competitive over the stupidest shit is rearing its ugly head again. I was (I guess still am) threatened by butches being more effortlessly masculine and even male-passing than I will ever be. And I thought of it as a diss or a put down, like if I even tried to be butch, I wouldn't be masc enough and I wouldn't be welcome. Or that butches very existence was proof that I'll never be masculine enough to justify transitioning to male, I can't even fit in with masc women for christsakes. So I think I sublimated this insecurity into envy that spiralled into contempt and othering. Never intentionally or outwardly...but it doesn't feel good knowing in your own mind that you are prejudiced against a marginalized group.

And I deleted the post kinda because I was like fuck if I'm not a lesbian or butch this isn't internalized anything this is just lesbophobia. and that's not something to make a cute lil post about, thats something to be genuinely ashamed of and to work on in private. but also. just cause it's internalized doesn't mean its not bad so.

and then I kinda just realized that 99% of butches are not gonna give one tenth of a shit how masc I am or if I'm "really butch" and I am literally the only one who cares so much about this shit. I've spent my entire life shadowboxing with everyone and it's gotten me fucking nowhere. and that helped! i dont feel this mysterious resentment when i think about butch lesbians as a group anymore.

so i am gonna take your advise and just listen and learn. I wanna try to read stone butch blues again. I stopped because I got horribly insecure about how I actually enjoy bottoming and that must mean I'm not masculine enough to even be butch, let alone a man...and that's not the point of the book at all i was/am just too self-absorbed to understand another person's worldview

and there's always gonna be the shame about how in the end. this whole envy thing is self-obsession. and that doesnt feel good at all. i claim to want to help others but really im so fucking obsessed with myself that i make my own problems. most days i know that and all i can do with that info is succumb to the depression. and be more self-obsessed. because despite being competitive i suck shit at actually being productive lol. but some days, like today, the meds will hit just right and ill be able to make some kind of progress.

so idk. sorry im yappin nobody has to read this but anyways anon i love you to death. it means a lot that u like my vulnerability, i consider it one of my worst traits. i try hard not to let it out irl so it gets shat out online. love u mwah bye

[tallmantall]

#JamesDonaldson On #MentalHeath – ‘It’s A Life Still Worth Living’: The People Left Behind After #Suicide

Tanyel Mustafa Mike and his daughter, Beth, as a #child ‘It’s sent me into a spiral of #depression, and probably even #suicidalbehavior. Most of the world is unbearable, even to this day,’ confesses Mike Palmer, a father who’s youngest daughter died by #suicide in 2020. Mike’s daughter, Beth Palmer, was just 17 when she died. He has since, naturally, struggled with poor #mentalhealth himself. Studies show that those directly affected by #suicide are more likely to die in the same way. ‘Survivors of #suicide loss are at higher risk of developing major #depression, #posttraumaticstressdisorder, and #suicidalbehaviors’, a paper from the University of California reads, while a research from UCL found ‘people bereaved by the sudden death of a friend or family member are 65% more likely to attempt #suicide if the deceased died by #suicide than if they died by natural causes.’ While there are resources and support groups for affected by #suicide in the immediate aftermath of #grief, seldom does their own long-term #mentalhealth get as serious a look-in. Since the passing of his daughter, Mike, 58, has sought out education around the matter and has been there to support other parents in similar circumstances. He’s also raised more than £1,000,000 for #suicideprevention charity, Papyrus. It was in Manchester during the #coronavirus lockdowns that Mike thinks Beth’s #mentalhealth plummeted, as her world fell apart and upcoming singing performances she had booked across the city were cancelled. However, Mike says ‘we’ll never know all the reasons why’ his daughter ended her life, and now thinks the family ‘missed the signs’, and put her #behavior at the time down to being a ‘#teenager’. ‘What is left behind is basically everything is shattered and the the ripple effect is absolutely huge,’ he says. ‘We basically limp along with our life now. But I work to raise awareness for prevention of young #suicide. That’s my aim and my my point at the moment.’ Mike with Andy and Tim In March, Mike, along with Andy Airey and Tim Owen – the three of them known as the 3 Dads Walking due to their charity walks – successfully brought a debate around #suicide education to government. #Suicideprevention will now be included in the national curriculum, thanks to their campaigning. This altruism was born out of immense suffering. Mike says the world ‘changes color’ and sometimes you don’t know ‘how to breathe’ anymore when you’ve lost someone by #suicide. ‘I couldn’t even get out of bed. There’s many emotions after losing someone to #suicide, obviously, there’s all the despair and pain. ‘There’s also anger as well. But I am angry at myself too, because I do believe I missed some signs.’ Wanting to learn more about mental health, Mike went on to train in multiple areas including post-#suicide, through courses and charities. He can now instruct #mentalhealth first aid, among much more. ‘Sometimes post-#suicide there isn’t enough signposting,’ he adds. ‘There is support out there, but often people don’t know how to find support, either.’ Niyc Pidgeon, a #psychologist, knows this only too well. Having lost friends to #suicide over the years including Love Island’s Sophie Gradon – and having attempted #suicide aged 12 herself, she sees the impact on people both personally and professionally. She says the effects on those left behind cannot be underestimated. ‘The impact of #suicide can ricochet through families and friendship groups, leaving a wake of emptiness and #grief behind where those close to someone who died by #suicide are left trying to make sense of what happened,’ she explains. ‘It is said that one person dying by #suicide impacts six people directly who are close to them, and exposes more than 135 people around them, meaning that as well as almost a million people dying by #suicide, millions of loved ones are impacted by #suicide every year too.’ #James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleFind out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundationwebsite www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy www.celebratingyourgiftoflife.com Mike’s daughter Beth Mike began walking with other grieving dads While #suicide is an obvious marker of an ending, so to speak, it also – for those still living – is the beginning of a new way of life: one that wasn’t planned for or expected, and one that falls out of line with the ‘norm’. Niyc says: ‘An abrupt change like this can affect their own #mentalhealth and put loved ones at greater risk of experiencing #depression, #grief, #posttraumaticstressdisorder, and even #suicidalthoughts and #behaviors themselves.  ‘Feelings of sadness, loss and confusion can become more prevalent and we know that unlike positive emotions, which have an expansive, energizing and building effect, these kinds of feelings can cause narrowing of thinking and dampen your enthusiasm for life.  ‘However, we are also able to find a deeper sense of meaning and purpose through challenging times too, and research shows that this discovery of meaning is both healing, as well as acting as a preventative measure too.’ These people can end up ‘less willing to reach out for help for themselves’, especially when battling shock, shame and guilt – three commonly reported experiences in #suicidesurvivors. ‘When dealing with #grief it can sometimes feel like we just have to get on with things,’ Niyc adds. There is also a historical #stigma around #suicide – only recently has it become a topic which is discussed more freely, and even then, it can be hard to bring up. When people do reach out though, Mike thankfully has found support is often found. ‘You join a club you really do not want to join. But you do if you reach out within that club, you’ll find someone who will give you a some sort of helping hand,’ he says. Feeling isolated and in a ‘dark place’, Mike began to speak to other grieving dads. Two years on, he speaks to bereaved parents every day – which, he adds, ‘isn’t an exaggeration’. Nicy has gone on to work in #mentalhealth As well as helping others, Mike also has certain habits that help his own #mental state. ‘#Suicide in many ways it’s like carrying a massive boulder around. You just can’t lose it,’ he says. ‘But I’m doing something now. I’m walking my dog. He’s a small, smelly little dog. But he’s got me out on this sunny day, and I’m walking outside. That’s got to be a huge plus. ‘So how do I cope day by day? Every day is different. The fundraising and awareness stuff I do takes up a lot of my life at the moment. ‘I do try and keep busy. I try and wake up every day with a plan.’ Mike has sought out therapy, gone to organizations such as Greater Manchester Bereavement Information Service for support, and contacted his GP – who he still regularly checks in with. ‘To be quite honest, my GP wasn’t really up to speed with post-#suicide support what was going on with me. She’s since made a huge effort to educate herself,’ he says. ‘But you have to talk, talk, talk and talk. Because you have to process it in the end. It really will never go away. That’s too much to hope for. ‘The #grief will change in time, so you will be able to operate. ‘It may not be the life you foresaw, but it’s a life still worth living – even if you’re living for other people, as well.’ Nicy adds: ‘Making #mentalhealth and wellbeing a focus point within our lives, relationships and in the workplace is going to be key to helping protect more people from the risk of #suicide, and help more people find the willingness to live.’ How can we support those affected by #suicide better? - Continue to normalize conversations about #mentalhealth, as this allows for people to feel more comfortable sharing their feelings and opening up to receive support.  - Simply asking someone how they’re feeling today, inviting them out for a walk, and letting them know they matter can help increase their sense of belonging.  - Cultivating a sense of #hopefulness and having something to look forward to, knowing there is a light at the end of the tunnel, can make a difference.  Read the full article

[purring-tiefling]

I’m glad my anon didn’t offend you! I was in a similar situation, not in the relationship but I was the friend listening and honestly there’s absolutely no reason why you should be walking on eggshells or exhausted from a relationship that’s going on for years. You should already be at the stage where you can communicate without her getting defensive. I’ve gotta say, my mental health isn’t being treated either but she has no excuse to give you the bare minimum. Asking her to tell you when she’s going to rest is the least she could do so you’re not worried about her safety. She knows you well enough to know what kind of reactions she’ll get to certain situations she does yet she tells you anyway and decides to be sensitive? Hm ): her mental health shouldn’t be spiraling that easily over things you say. She’s making it your responsibility for how she reacts.

was there anything to be offended by? ^^" oh, i could've like, get real defensive cause I'm her gf and stuff, i guess. but it's good to hear other people's opinions. n stuff. i wasn't offended by anything <3

but i gotta bring some clarity (because it's hard to fit every relevant piece of info in the first post, yes):

- 1st of all, sorry about your experience! i like listening to other people and trying to help them but YEA it can get so tough sometimes

- "you should already be at the stage where you can communicate without her getting defensive" yep, but i think that stage came and left 😔 I'm sure there was a period when i felt more freedom and voiced my issues with her quickly, but maybe it's because i didn't quite know or understand her mental state, so i wasn't holding back and she was unused to such behavior.

- "she has no excuse of giving you the bare minimum" well here I'm not too sure what to feel, you know? because, like, im getting more and more emotionally exhausted and, as a result, unavailable. and i can't give her the support she needs sometimes because of it. so here, is that support - the bare minimum? cause i barely am able to provide, and therefore im not too far from her in this regard

- the whole "warning about rest" situation - thank youuuu.. god.. this is something i fight with myself over. it can be seen as controlling, and im very worried about my influence on people close to me - my mom is a manipulator and I've unfortunately learned a lot of techniques, so basically I'm double checking myself every time i think i could be doing something wrong. and this is one of those things. so im glad someone doesn't see it as manipulative, and gets my worries ;_; tldr this is very important for me to hear

but also - she hasn't been falling asleep without warning lately, a year or two i think. but it's probably because one of the stress factors in her life has disappeared, so she's less prone to suddenly wanting to sleep. while this is obv good - i get what i need and she can provide it with relative ease - it means she didn't get to the ability to warn me from. trying to do so. so if that stress factor returns, we'll most probably return to the beginning. (and i think training the ability to get tasks done and delaying naps by 2-3 seconds would do her good, strengthen her a bit)

- AND YEAH ACTUALLY. how did she THINK i would react when one of my biggest anxieties is "what if [thing] will get stolen????" but im betting she didn't think (im saying this with love)

- "she's making it your responsibility for how she reacts" this one i need to think about, it's very late and i need to go to sleep, so I'll think about it later!

sorry if it's too much text, not all of it is for you to answer, once again i was relieved to have an opportunity to voice this. thank you kind anon <3

[furiousgoldfish]

Personal post; on trauma, measures to deal with osdd, and this blog

I'm at a weird place right now where sometimes, I can be functional for a little while, and then sometimes not, and I've learned that for my specific condition, it simply takes a lot of maintenance and constant actions I have to do in order to stay functional. This kills my vibe because I don't like routines, I don't like having constant chores to do, I always wanted to live impulsively and do things as they come to mind. I've been resistant to the idea that I have to maintain my mental health constantly, but at this point I have to admit that doing the maintenance and being functional is far far preferable to not doing it, and then falling out of function, and being in a lousy shape in bed in chronic pain and exhaustion.

Stuff I need to do isn't the regular self care, it's dictated by alters and their wants. It seems that as a kid, I had to be separated and dissociated from any human need, so most of the time I will just want for nothing and feel zero desires. My alters are the ones holding all of my needs and wants, and for a long time, I've been just shutting them down, because I didn't think I could fulfill any, I didn't think it makes sense fulfilling it, I didn't believe it would make me happy, and I didn't think I should indulge too far with alters anyway because of some bad advice I read on the internet (haven't we all).

Indulging with my protective alter led me to take care of my appearance a little more and to communicate with people in ways that makes sure I get something out of it, which to me personally sounds utterly evil, but they're convincing me it's normal to have both-sided gain in an interaction. Indulging with my child alter has led to me going to parks more, sitting on swings, eating more candy (so much candy), being randomly silly and just doing ridiculous cringy stuff that I personally don't see a point in doing, but if I do it, my child alter doesn't cause me to fall into depression, and that is a very worthy goal to pursue.

Sometimes, however, maintenance doesn't help either, and I'm currently in that state, stuck in the bed, unable to go out, or do chores, take care of myself or my alters, and I've been simmering in guilt for days, only to finally accept it now. I'll be able to move, when I'm able to move, and no amount of shame will help me get there sooner. I didn't fail and cause this, I'm ill and that's not my fault. If all I can do is stay in bed, then it's my best, and I have to accept that.

I don't know if I've been leaving an impression of a person who is doing well or is well put together, if I'm honest, a lot of this blog was written while I was just done having flashbacks, or trauma episodes. Sometimes I would write it still crying or engulfed by rage, and then after a few days when I would gather my thoughts better, I would re-write it or write it again. I would also write every time I had a realization, or when I would realize a certain problem came from a certain type of abuse. Some posts were created after research, some when I realized some other things weren't obvious to everyone. Sometimes people would talk to me and I would realize where exactly they needed reassurance or additional info, and I'd write about that. And most often, I would just write it to myself. I don't get anyone saying these things to me, and when I write them out to myself, I feel comforted. I feel better, if I'm kind to myself. And then if other people agree, I feel as if they've comforted me too, just by saying 'yeah, that's correct!' or 'I needed to hear this too'.

I remember some 10 years in the past, I was just coming down with ptsd, and I didn’t know what it was, it was a spiral of panic to discover that nobody really knew anything about it. In the place where I live, it's not recognized as a real disorder unless you've participated in a war. I talked to several psychologists, psychiatrists, and a wide variety of people to see what they thought, and nobody recognized it or could tell me what was wrong with me. If I mentioned I suspected it was ptsd, I would be shut down immediately, by every single person. I read every book and every article I could find, rummaged thru any blog and social media, talked to other people who struggled with abuse and still I learned obscenely little. Or, the things I've learned were already obvious to me, and a lot of information was plain wrong, unhelpful, biased against victims, silencing, explaining away, blaming, shaming, teaching how suppress or ignore symptoms, teaching how to forcefully push the emotions back in, how to endure more, how to pretend to be normal. I resented it. I didn't want to repress or act normal, I wanted to explode and feel everything at once, even if it killed me. Soon I was to realize that, it would, in fact, kill me if I continued to try to do that. I learned very slowly that I have to feel only in small waves and episodes, if I want my life to be livable in any way.

I went on to study everything about child abuse and ptsd that was possible to find for 5 years. I was disturbed by the lack of resources, and kept gathering what I knew, kept exploring how it worked on myself, and I felt guilty for every piece of knowledge I harbored, because I knew it should be shared. Everyone should know it, everyone should have resources, and know that abuse effects us in this way, that this is what happens. Speaking to people in private had no results, because this isn't the stuff people want to hear, it's stuff they have to discover. Pushing this on people has only bad results. Nobody wants another person to explain their life to them. It's rude, presumptive and ineffective.

When I started writing, I was relieved I could finally put out what I knew should be available, but I was also cautious and afraid, because at that point I knew that I was taking a stand against something powerful. I expected to be shut down immediately, and by a miracle, I wasn't. Very few people attacked me and fought against my information (for instance, insisting children need to be hit, trauma shouldn't be talked about, traumatized people need to just suck it and stop being the way they are), and I could easily see their motivation, shutting down victims, protecting abusers. So I could easily block them and know that this is not an opponent to argue against, I just needed to convince the victims that they're right.

It took a long time, way longer than I expected, to get to the serious backlash, and at that point I wasn't surprised. In the meantime, so many other trauma-resource blogs popped up, I felt that even if I am taken down, the change has been made. I don't think I've contributed much, the survivors themselves started figuring it out, just like I did, and stood against what was hurting them. They've changed the public mindset, shared their knowledge, and helped others escape from abuse. I couldn't be more happy or grateful for it. Predictably, the backlash came for all of us, and it surprised me that at this point, we all were a threat enough for abusers to actually organize and attack us as a group. I haven't seen that before, though abusers do very much validate each other and support each other's ways whenever interacting, they usually rarely go for group effort to subdue victims, and I only hope that we can do the same, organize and stand our ground as a community.

I felt isolated when when I was first targeted; and there was the initial shock at the hatred and contempt that was shown to me, twisting my words back to me and assuming the worst intentions. When it happens, at first you can't react calmly, you feel like it's deserved, you doubt yourself. I questioned if I did write something harmful, and even if it was a long time ago, was it irresponsible and harming someone? Do I deserve people to unconditionally despise and hate me for my wrongdoings? But in the end, I realized it mattered very little what I wrote. It would have been misrepresented, twisted and used against me anyway. Anything can be taken out of context and presented as evidence of an 'evil monster' if someone tries hard enough – and of course these people tried very hard.

These people didn't want an apology or admission of guilt, which they could have easily gotten from someone as easy to guilt as me – they wanted a complete shut down, deletion of all of my content, my blog erased. I knew that wasn't right. Thousands of messages thanking me for the content, saying how it helped them feel less horrible, or even escape, that wasn't fake. If I was wrong once, it didn't mean everything I ever did needed to be destroyed. The fight isn't against me personally. It was just about suppressing information about abuse, and protecting abusers.

I later found out that all of the blogs that were most heavily affected by trauma were targeted – people struggling with ptsd, cptsd, did, osdd, all of those hit by the extreme abuse were now scapegoated and written about in modern-type language as 'bigots and ableists', like it made any kind of sense that people struggling the worst and sharing advice, comfort and resources, would be someone who needs to be kicked out of the community. The words 'violent' were thrown into every accusation, as if the action of spreading support and information to victims of abuse could be any form of violence. Abuse of language to accuse victims of what they will find the most triggering – violence.

Due to the harassment and threats, for a while, writing this blog became a problem for my mental health. My protective alter told me to back out of it, and some of my friends, horrified when I told them whats up, told me to give it up. But I couldn't do it. The messages of people telling me how my work helped them, are the only thing that kept me going thru my ptsd. Often in the past, I was doing very little except for writing this blog, and people coming to tell me that it helped, were the only proof that I wasn't worthless, proof it was good that I was still alive. It was even comforting me to read my own blog sometimes, when the self doubt kicked in.

Abusers then decided then to attack anyone who dares to interact, and of course, by using the modern language of anonymous message saying 'block this person, they're actually the big bad in the world, you're evil for sharing this!'. And it was always anonymous, because they always had something to hide. I thought it would be very obvious what they're doing, because harassing victims is so obviously evil, but I realize now it would work, because the targets of it are the children, mostly abused children, that the abusers are intimidating and very loudly insisting do as they say. Of course it would work on children. Of course the most loud and scary person telling them to distance themselves from abuse resources because the writer is secretly evil, will sound normal and legit, and it will be something they're compelled to obey. This again, prompted me to consider if what I'm doing is helping, because now there's kids being harassed over it, people getting intimidated and scared from the backlash directed at not me, but them. But then we'll be going back to the past. To the place where resources don't exist. That's exactly what the abusers want.

And I considered doing so many things to migitate the damage, to re-direct it back to myself, to try to defend myself – and I couldn't do it. Because it's already been enough of arguing. Someone getting convinced on a single user twice over whether they're good or bad, is just extra stress. It doesn't hurt me the slightest if there are many people considering me to be evil or malicious. I just need to make sure that the resources are still available. It's what's being fought against, and what I'm trying to protect. Even if my contribution is just a small one, if it helps someone, it's something worth protecting. And I love writing this blog. I'm surprised at how much I still have to say, almost every single day. Abuse is so prevalent and integrated in this world, and the effects are so overwhelming and lasting, that there's no end to writing about it.

[theghostnugget]

I watch a lot of psychology stuff on YouTube (for reasons I will not explain lol) and so often I hear something (especially stuff relating to trauma and unhealthy coping skills) that makes me need to pause and think about Hiei.

My poor boy went through so much shit and had no time to process cause he was forced to fight for his life every single day (there was no time for him to sit down and evaluate “ok that was a shitty thing, how do I cope/how do I move on”).

This post’s length got away from me so…

By the time the series starts he is deeply entrenched in the unhealthy coping skills he had to develop (trust no one, they’re all going to abandon you if they don’t outright betray you - never address you emotions out loud or even in your own head because that distraction will get you killed - love is just a crutch for the weak who can’t fend for themselves that’s why I don’t even want it - etc etc). He doesn’t even realize that he has a support group and a safe space to start to unpack because he has no idea what those things look like. Then comes the process of actually unpacking which he has no fucking clue how to do because he never had healthy coping modeled for him. And he doesn’t even think he can ask for help because he a) doesn’t believe anyone cares enough to help and b) he’s still not completely sure they aren’t playing the long game to get him to lower his guard so they can stab him in the back

I think the reason he leaves for half of season 3 is he subconsciously starts to recognize he has trauma he can and should process and that terrifies him. He has no clue how to start and he knows it’s going to get worse before it gets better and most importantly: he’s found ways to make his poorly executed shit work. Anger and lashing out and self-loathing aren’t helping him in the long run but he can’t tell because they’ve been the things keeping him alive so far - and if he does learn to let those go, what the hell is he gonna find underneath?? What if there’s nothing? What if he’s even more miserable than before?? Then he’ll have to confront the idea that the world isn’t screwed up, it’s just him - he’s truly broken and there’s no hope of him ever being happy. So he chooses the devil he knows and actively chooses to walk away from something that has the potential to heal him

There’s this quote from Just Between Us (an excellent YouTube channel that I definitely recommend) that’s something along the lines of “a miserable person gets to live with the hope of one day being happy while a happy person has to live with the fear of one day becoming miserable” and I think that sums up Hiei’s thought process pretty well - he’s terrified of being happy because it doesn’t last but at least, if he’s miserable, he can hope for the abstract concept of it

It used to bug me that Mukuro was the one to pull him out of his bullshit when the only reason he trusted her enough to let her in was because he was already starting to trust Yusuke, Kurama, and to an extent Kuwabara (and I have so many feelings about why his antagonism towards Kuwabara is also rooted in his shitty mental health but I’ll sum it up to this - when you’re traumatized and miserable, you start to hate everyone who’s not miserable because why the hell does he get to be happy and coping with this shit while I’m spiraling out of control here). But I think it boils down to, he feels too broken to really open up fully to people he thinks are stable - (He’s too wrapped up in level 20 mental illness to realize that they’re all coping pretty poorly {except Kuwabara - he’s best boy and he’s killing it}) - but he meets Mukuro and she’s a disaster just like him, she’s been through so much but she still manages to cling to happiness - she’s him 1 or 2 steps into healing (which gives him hope) but she’s still close enough to his level that he feels like he can open up for the first time without the fear of judgement

This post is so rambly and all over the place but if I didn’t express these feelings I felt like I would die so… thanks for reading?

[reverielix]

Bang chan as a boyfriend based on his chart?

Sure ;)))

Let’s get straight into it!💭

I’ve been wanting to talk about his interceptions/duplications for some time, and now it finally fits haha!!😊 His Venus is intercepted and...let’s say that his chart (+ Saturn singleton and other aspects) poses some obstacles for romantic relationships, and suggests a personal transition/journey he has to go through in order to even allow himself to experience romantic love and affection....🤭

Scorpio is intercepted in the 6th house in his chart while Taurus is intercepted in the 12th house. Capricorn makes up for it and rules both the 8th and 9th house as Cancer rules both the 2nd and 3rd house. So what does that mean?

First of all, the qualities associated with Scorpio and Taurus are hard for him to access as they weren’t taught or understood at an early age. This can further suggest that he experienced a lack of love and tenderness, while receiving criticism, (Saturn singleton, 6th house stellium, Chiron in the 6th makes him extremely sensitive to criticism, he started young as a trainee and went through monthly evaluations and such for 7 years!) which probably influenced his self-perception, as he already has low self-esteem and lots of self-doubt implied in his interception, which suggests a need for validation and extra-love, though he was given the opposite. Moreover, he could’ve had issues forming an opinion and sticking to it (supported by his Libra placements), fully devoting himself in a relationship (any type, Mars conjunct 7th house) and leaving his comfort zone. Lack of privacy, fear of loss and struggles regarding finances/recourses may have also occurred in his life. These aspects in regard to the 6th and 12th houses hint at an unstable and insecure environment as a result of lacking routine (e.g. going to sleep at odd hours with Pisces and Virgo here) and giving into bad habits. Something generally big in his chart is his insecurity and deceiving perception of himself as well as his ways of coping (intercepted Taurus, Saturn singleton, Virgo Chiron,... surpresses/ignores feelings or ignores them). He may use his self-doubt and criticism from both others and himself as a “fuel” for his determination and work-ethic to try and prove others and a part of himself wrong. Although one might argue that using negativity to grow from it is benificial, he harms himself subconsciously by having that mindset, since when a) he fails, like all of us do sometimes, he will fall into a pit of self-hatred or b) he achieved a goal, but after it, he’ll still be unsatisfied and want more. It always ends back where he started; craving for UNCONDITIONAL love, but he won’t give himself that type of love (unconditional love can also be associated with Neptune, which is in retrograde in his chart, and can contribute to hyper-awareness of his own wrongs). The love he gives himself is conditional and situational, which he adapted from all the lack of love and criticism and makes him feel like he will never be enough. A big lesson he has to learn is that his work/success doesn’t define him, and he is enough without his awards and wins. He’s an amazing person just being himself, and once he realizes that he deserves unconditional love, he will also be a step further to allow love to come his way. (You can’t come from a place of hatred and expect love to come out at the end!)

In terms of his Venus and his 7th house conjunctions, I can see how he craves love deeply and intensely, he craves privacy and validation, though with intercepted planets the individual isn’t allowed or suppresses a core-part of their personality. In Chan’s case, he suppresses his longing for romantic love and relationships as he is taught to focus on his work (he channels all his energy through his Saturn singleton, work is existential to him) rather than his need for affection, because “I don’t deserve love anyway” (conditional self-love, damaged awareness of self-worth). He perhaps doesn’t consciously know who he is looking for, but craves stability, (a routine to help him feel comfortable, as he values that with his Cancer and Capricorn duplications, but we’ll get to that later) sensuality, validation, appreciation, inspiration, acceptance and most importantly: love! In terms of Taurus here, which is intercepted and is ruled by Venus, I can see how a big life lesson is to value and appreciate his materialistic possessions and achievements that originated from hard work. He needs to learn how to feel appreciative of his past efforts and learn to feel satisfied with himself and his past efforts as well as allow himself to rest.

His Saturn singleton in conjunction with what I’ve discussed previously briefly points out; he channels his entire energy though his work, through restrictions, through his reputation and his ambition. (This Placement fits perfectly with him being on stage. He performs with such purpose, with such determination and devotion by using his body (Aries), and most importantly with his group (11th house).) The Pluto Mars conjunction also hints at Chan being a very devoted individual, who can get engulfed in his task and even isolate himself when doing something he’s passionate about. His Saturn is also in retrograde, which internalizes this placement and makes him very conscious about his success, reputation and overall misery and hardship that he wants to (perhaps aggressively or boldly) take action on and improve all the time. He fears letting people down and wants to live up to their expectations, while often letting himself down in the process, which feeds into his conditional self-love and lack of self-acceptance. He sets limits for himself, when actually, he wants to be free, because he lives in fear of not being enough and fulfilling people’s expectations of him as he wants to have a good reputation and success, be better than all the authority figures with criticizing eyes he’s been exposed to all his life. A contradiction within himself here is that he doesn’t want people to tell him what to do, he doesn’t like being pushed around and wants to be his own boss, but as soon as somebody expects something of him or questions his authority, he wants to prove them wrong and so does what they want. He is a pushover, in a way, but is consciously very resistant toward rules and boundaries other authority figures set for him to follow. Additionally, valuing tradition and following a routine (6th house interception) can be hard for him (especially when it comes to sleep, 12th house). Further interpreting, his Sun (Libra, 5th house) is opposite his Saturn, which can indicate a gap in self-perception that I touched on in the previous paragraph, outlining his rather subconscious (12th house interception, so this part is more “hidden” from him, while the 12th house is already hard to access in the first place) way of self-destruction considering his way with doubt and criticism and how it will forever remain a spiral of negativity that results in no progress if he doesn’t understand he is deserving of UNconditional love). Additionally, he might believe he can only be loved when he performs well and succeeds, which is obviously not true, though it is a big life lesson for him to truly understand that, with his 12th house interception and his tendency to ignore his intuition/spirituality to listen to the logics (air signs and other). He can escape this spiral of negativity by learning this big lesson; he is worthy, he deserves love, he deserves privacy, he deserves care (from himself and others).

Ways to “unlock interceptions” and learn the previously mentioned life lessons are to look at the “directors” (the signs that rule the intercepted houses, so in Chan’s case it’s Libra and Aries), the duplications and take into consideration his intercepted Chiron. First, let’s look at his 6th house ruler: Libra. Libra ruling the 6th house is usually a sign of self-care in a physical sense and beauty and care in everyday routine, pets or a desire of taking care of one. Though, with his Saturn singleton in Aries (opposite Libra) I can see how he works too much and disregards his mental and physical health (12th house would be mental health here). A helpful way of dealing with this is arranging a routine in which he assembles self-care and private time (he had a lack of, which the interceptions point at) to feel instead of brushing his emotions off (12th house interception). He will feel lonely. He longs for love with his Pluto conjunction his descendant, he can even become obsessive about it and feel the need to be with somebody. But as long as he doesn’t understand he deserves UNconditional love from most importantly himself, he won’t be able to allow (healthy) love in his life and recognize when he isn’t being treated the right way, because he pushes others away and has no clarity of what he deserves. In this routine that I have previously mentioned, where he shall implement self-care and privacy, he needs to give himself time to feel and not push his emotions away anymore. And as he accepts his emotions and turmoil, this 12th house part that we all have (this part that Billie addresses in idontwannabeyouanymore), that is hurt and deals with all the things we brush off in a “call me what you wanna, ‘cause I’ve probably called me worse.” way (self-criticism with the Chiron in the 6th — as Chiron is also healing and the 6th house comes together with routine and stability, I can see how this fortifies my claim — and interceptions). When he lets himself feel, accepts his negative feelings and takes care of himself, he will learn to love ALL of him (also his “demon” and will learn to access his 12th house). Through all of this, he will trust himself and his intuition more, learn to use both his brain & heart — here I think it’s remarkable that Melanie has multiple Taurus placements and a Scorpio rising — as the line between reality and delusion isn’t blurry anymore. Listening to his intuition, he will start to feel comfortable with himself and the things and people around him. He will learn to surround himself with the things he feels comfortable with, and not only “should” (brain). This is a big desire: comfort. His Cancer/Capricorn duplications leave him longing for a home, though as long as he doesn’t feel at home with himself, he won’t feel at home anywhere (ties in with 2nd house Cancer and his self-esteem being ruled by the moon with a desire for comfort). And when he learned to love, accept and feel comfortable with himself, he will allow love into his life and not push anyone away anymore (he will learn that it doesn’t matter if he failed or not, if he worked hard enough or not: he deserves love and care like he gives it to others). This is how he could “unlock” his Venus, perhaps. Regarding his Neptune retrograde in the 9th; in conjunction with his 12th house being intercepted, he needs to learn to create a sleep pattern that is healthy and provides him with enough rest. This will then also strengthen his trust and intuition.

Also, his Pluto Mars conjunction conjunct his 7th can imply that whenever he experiences hurt or is left by somebody else, he can transition this pain and obstacle into power and drive, motivation with which he approaches new relationships. This ties in with the dominant role that Saturn plays in his life, as Saturn is essentially working hard through hurdles and misery to come out successful.

So, now that we’ve established that his chart is challenging in regards to his love life and really just anything, we can get into the actual thing haha

⇢ confession/beginning stages

His Libra Sun and Mercury in the 5th, Gemini rising and Aquarius mc can give him a very playful and airy first impression

He is generally attracted to mannerism, soft spokenness and gentleness, as he also likes showing these parts of himself to romance others haha

Would probably take it slow and not rush into relationships (would take a while to confess, he first has to relish in the feeling of having a crush lol)

He might want to introduce himself as the fun and flirty version of himself, though I feel like he’d be way less bold than Minho (he’s a shy Libra bean) — it doesn’t mean he’s “acting” or anything. That’s just as much him as is every other part of his chart.

I don’t think his Venus would shine through in the beginning (I’d be more his air signs taking the lead, talking away and vibing lol) He’d most likely keep it light and nice on the first date, show off his manners yk👀

His intercepted Venus stressed that it would take him a lot of work to let himself freely express his love language and refrain from bottling it up

But once he does let himself express his love freely, during his confession or an intimate moment, it would fizz all up

His confession may be very thought through and planned, though in the moment, he’d just improvise anyway and fizz up like a bottle of sparkling water under too much pressure from holding back everything

Heartfelt confessions are his specialty, though he’d probably get very emotional

Scorpio is already kind of a wild sea, waves hitting the stones, but that interception would just contribute to this inner tension and turmoil

Once he feels attraction toward somebody, it can be very intense, even scary at times

His confession would be the one of a young boy who feels love for the very first time, intense and emotional, maybe clumsy

Though he’d mean every word

He’s just such a loving and caring person,,,,I’m not crying you are because even astrology says he’s nurturing and lovely

⇢ overall behavior in relationship

I feel like this short fic describes it pretty well haha (I read it and immediately thought of his Scorpio Venus interception)

It could be scary for him to be in love with somebody and go past the first, flirty phase

He’d be very devoted and give his all in the relationship (like how Minho would)

Just with the exception that Minho is pretty aware of this part of himself and embraces it with confidence

Though Chan on the other hand would get to know himself in another light

His emotions would fizz up, as he’s held the desire for love back for way too long (his Libra placements and especially his Pluto descendant conjunction have been begging him) and he could perhaps find the intensity of his romantic feelings scary or shocking

His Pluto descendant conjunction gives him a transformative feature. He can be drawn to relationships in which power dynamics can become toxic, though he has the skill to take the pain and transform himself from a hurting to a more powerful person in control. This can be something to look out for when he hasn’t yet gone through the lesson of acceptance and love for himself as his little self-esteem can be abused by a partner with this placement (Also, his Taurus interception hints at a lack of self-worth and boundaries, just like his 12 and 6th house interceptions do, as he can have issues recognizing when something is happening to him that is not right and he doesn’t deserve). Pluto conjunct the descendant can also hint at a partnership in which both partners are very successful and work together toward wealth, success and a comfortable home. His Venus is intercepted and this aspect points at, amongst other things, an unknowingness when it comes to an ideal type or what someone looks for in relationships. The Pluto descendant conjunction and Venus placement suggest that he is subconsciously on the outlook for or especially attracted by somebody who he can work hard together with and is devoted to the relationship and him. He may end up with somebody very successful and wealthy, who transforms him deeply as this person can feel to him like they are too intense for words to describe them.

His Mars conjunct his Pluto and the descendant accentuates what I previously said as he tends to express his drive and motivation in one-to-one relationships, which can bring a passion and determination into a relationship. He tends to get swallowed up by what he does, oftentimes forgets time or a sense of when to stop when he’s especially motivated or passionate about something. In a relationship that could mean a great deal of loyalty and devotion as well as proactiveness when it comes to achieving shared goals and fulfilling shared desires.

His Venus is in a square aspect with his Neptune, which is in retrograde. As I have discussed before, he needs to give himself time to let himself feel. Here it is suggested that there can be a cloud where certain feelings lie. He has a hard time accessing his subconscious, dreams, spirituality and intuition (in conjunction with his 12th house and Neptune rx he, as he has also confirmed, doesn’t have a good relationship with sleep). He has difficulty with his feelings and recognizing, accepting and embracing them. He can be prone to deception and misjudgment (reality and delusion are blurred, as I said previously and also mentioned a way to “unlock” that). Here it’s possible he may choose a partner not right for him, somebody who deludes him into that tale of an intense and powerful bond as his Venus interception also suggests, as already mentioned; he doesn’t consciously know who he’s looking for. He simply craves love and a comfortable, successful future and tends to see that in people who are not for him. It may be hard for him to feel fulfilled if he doesn’t feel fulfilled with himself yet and also because of this deceptiveness he tends to have.

All these things, the 7th house, Pluto, Scorpio, Mars and the interceptions are very much rooted within him. Having watched this video (I would highly recommend you to check her channel out if you’re into astrology!) on shadows and blind spots in astrology, I realized that love and Chan’s attitude toward love is deeply rooted in him. It can be a sensitive topic and bring out blind spots, parts of himself that he doesn’t really know or want to except. He may push his s/o away for bringing out these deeply rooted and emotionally triggering as well as intense things and shining a light on these aspects he dislikes and rejects about himself. He can live in denial of his longing for love and behavior in love as well as his desires, and be protective over these things. This can express itself in engagement with toxic endeavors and relationships. A build-up of jelousy, rage, vengeance and other negative qualities associated with especially Scorpio can come into play. He may be in denial of them and hardly even be able to access these parts, though I feel like in relationships, these qualities are prone to explode in his chart, as he is also likely to bottle anger up and avoid conflict. Maybe he has a hard time staying with somebody, though he is a devoted lover, because he can’t address the problems rooted within himself and rather projects them onto others in one-to-one relationships. Again, though, when he lets himself feel all these negative feelings, all the hurt and aggression, he can transform into a very powerful person and change who he is on a deeper level. These placements, which are tightly conjunct with love and relationships, point at the most vulnerable and scariest parts of him. Confronting scary parts and being brave is the key here!

His Venus interception, if not resolved, (though even when it’s resolved, it won’t forever be gone,) poses obstacles in love style and overall behavior in specifically romantic relationships. He may be shy and tapping into the unknown as he can be clumsy and confused in love. Like a boy loving for the first time, he will have issues expressing his love in a way he feels like is true to himself or feels comfortable. He has difficulty accessing Scorpio qualities and since his Venus lies in Scorpio, I can see him also bursting sometimes. As in, one day he’s more cold and holds back and on another day he showers his s/o with all the love. He can be very intense in love, especially on these days where he just can’t hold back anymore, where this intensity fizzes up.

I think he’d run into a lot of problems finding somebody who is right for him, but once he’s figured it out, he will be such a devoted partner with a passion to proactively work on the relationship and shared goals and desires. He will work hard for the relationship, just like he does for everything, because after all, that’s how he expresses himself with his Saturn singleton; through work and dedication. Love can be life-changing for him. But emotional highs and lows can occur as he “transitions” and continues to grow. It can often be a deep transformation that can feel like death and rebirth. This is the thing I’ve talked about earlier: he is self-destructive (and can also project these denied things about himself onto others) as he tries holding things associated to Mars, Pluto, the 7th house and Scorpio in his chart back/in. The interception being “unlocked” doesn’t make it disappear though — he’ll still be struggling with it and find it hard to address his emotions, establish routine or take care of himself as he gets lost in his passion and work-ethic.

Lastly, we cannot forget that the 5th house, the Sun, the Moon and the 2nd house usually play a big role concerning love in the birth chart as well. Most of these placements reflect how he knows himself and identifies with certain traits. All the previous things I’ve discussed are things hidden and deeply-rooted in his persona that he can have difficulties recognizing and coping with. So let’s jump into the parts of himself that he’s more comfortable with and more aware of, which also implies a more direct and conscious expression of the following aspects. As I already said referring to the first stages; he approaches romance in a flirty, gentle, fun and romantic way. He may enjoy going on dates a lot, meeting new people, being open-minded and generally gets along with most. He just has an easy time with romance in general as he possesses a natural way with words, though shyly, and a characteristic ability to attract many. It could be that he sees it as a priority to keep the romance alive, so he will keep arranging dates and such all throughout the relationship. Somebody with Libra placements or traits can make him feel special and admired, understood even. He can be a good advisor, great at giving compliments or a “therapist figure” to his partner, and is generally very giving. Good for him would be somebody who gives him validation, reminds him of his self-worth, respects his personal space and creates an environment of privacy and intimacy that’s in a way secret and visatable to only him and his s/o. Somebody who provides comfort, care and affection. (Something else would be conditional love. He could base love off of fairness and imply conditions, which both his Libra placements and his Neptune rx suggest, as Neptune can represent unconditional love and the “merging” of two souls. His Venus in the 6th can also suggest high expectations that hold him back from forgiving his partner’s mistakes and flaws as he could hold a grudge or hold these mistakes against his partner in future affairs.) He may also show his affection in a more practical way with gifts, acts of service and touch.

⇢ dates

I can see him being pretty spontaneous haha. Sagittarius is on the cusp of the 7th house and his Pluto and Mars, which are conjunct his 7th, are also in Sagittarius, so he may enjoy little trips into other cultures with his partner to relax a bit from work. Also, let’s not forget, he has his Sun and Mercury in his 5th and many personal Libra placements, he’s a big romantic. It’s how he knows himself, how he shows himself, how he communicates and how he feels. I thought I’d mention this part of his personality, because it’s the most straight-forward and commonly known “version” of Chan, even to himself. Since a partner tends to bring out 7th house qualities and motivate a person to be less their ascendant (the person they were motivated to be as a child or in their early lives) and more a “hidden” version of themselves (so in Chan’s case more bigger-picture-oriented or in favor of getting to know new cultures instead of only taking short road trips,...). So, here’s a little scenario in 1st person (just skip it if you’re not into flash fiction haha):

After 17 hours of flights and waiting, a hard-bedspring hotel mattress seemed a dream, but “the stars shine bright tonight,” Chan smiled

So instead of a douvet, a beach towel pressed against our backs

It had been 2 months, and though it was only an extended weekend, I was gonna spend every second enjoying him and Montpellier.

“I still hate that I forgot my dress.”

“You look better in my jacket anyway.”

The waning moon painted the sea, shone in his eyes

“Can’t have a cute French guy steal my baby.” Sweater paws covered his dimples, but his eyes told in the way they winged up

“Never.”

The Scorpio and Pluto conjunction is coming through🤭

Taper candle lit and polyester napkin folded into a lotus, we sipped on the nicest sounding wine the menu offered.

He laughed with gold in the eyes, an Italian-style suit and curls on his forehead.

“I’ll get whatever they do.” He tilted his head as shadows traced his dimples. The waiter rose his brows.

“I’d like...uhm...Beu- Boeuf bouuu-” Letters morphed into each other, a strand fell.

“Boeuf Bourguignon. Oui, ready in a minute, madame, monsieur.” He left behind an onion smell.

When Chan reached for Ficelle slices, sleeves were loose on his suit.

“This garlic spread’s nice.”

“So nice, you’ve got to have it on your face?”

He covered his face with the sleeves as he wiped

And then some of the spread ends up on his sleeve lol

If life is a movie // Oh you’re the best part.

11:23pm

D-Major vibrated off his acoustic guitar, and his voice accompanied mine through the last chorus

The mattress was softer than expected and his voice fuzzier than I’d remembered.

Love me, won’t you “ever leave me”

Guitar on the bedside table, his arms enclosed me. Nowhere else would I have rather been. (Lol sorry for being cheesy)

Also can we just appreciate his TALENT for a second like this man gives me goosebumps with that tone and his stunning vocal stability☁️💗

Additional small thought; I think with his Sun conjunct his Mercury in the 5th, he isn’t only good at communication, thinks a lot and is proud of it, but also probably talks to himself haha

Feel free to lmk your own thoughts on this post as well as other aspects concerning his chart, let’s chat!💫

//I also want to add that, yes, without the possibility of him using his birth chart to his advantage and making his “demons” a controlled part of him that he turns for the better, he does have a very difficult love life focused on business and unhealthy power dynamics in which he would most likely be the one seeking control, considering his libra placements as well as the significance of Saturn in his birth chart suggesting that he feels the constant need to conform to societal norms for self-esteem reasons and others talked about above like the Saturn retrograde.//

[starr-fall-knight-rise]

Humans are Space Orcs, “Maladaptive Coping.”

This idea was given to me by a good friend of mine 

*WARNING* This issue of Krill’s journal contains literally ALL of the things that might bother you. Every self destructive behavior I could think of is mentioned in this piece. So PLEASE do not read it if there is even the slightest chance that it may bother you. I wont list everything here, and trust you to make your own decision on weather it is a good idea for you to read this or not. 

Also, a important note is that this is from an aliens perspective, and so does not contain every last nuance of these behaviors and the reasons behind them. I hope those of you who read a great day, and those who don’t read a great day as well! :)

The Journal of Xenomedical Biology 

Author: Dr. Krill of the Vrul 

The Human Manifestation of Self destructive Tendencies and Their Signs.

Over the past few years of studying and learning to understand humans, It has come to the attention of the medical community that humans are the most volatile species, psychologically. This is not meant as negative commentary on human issues as it might seem, but merely an observation that humans have the most widely varied pattern of psychological maladaptive responses when it comes to stress and related mental illness. Where each other species tends to have only two or three typical maladaptive responses, humans have been known to have analogous representations of all known mental abnormalities.

Now this journal is not specifically about all the ways the human brain can go wrong, but more accurately about the maladaptive response I have seen in humans over the past few years primarily demonstrating self destructive behaviors in one way or another.

You might notice an interesting pattern in my analysis today that clearly demonstrates a repetitive contradictory pattern in human self destructive tendencies, which will demonstrate just how varied and widely differing their responses can be.

First, humans have socially destructive behavior.which can come in many forms.

Withdrawal: from friends or close loved ones is a common self destructive behavior to look for in humans. This can happen on a large or small scale where the human withdraws for hours or even years. As a social species, humans find social interaction important, even if that is only remote communications with other humans. If that human begins to withdraw suddenly or even gradually over time, I might suggest being concerned about their well- being.

Now here is where the contradictions come into play, and forgive me if some of these social behaviors also overlap with the physical behaviors, with humans, they are often one in the same.

Increased socially dangerous behavior: now this may account for many things. Some humans will fall into a downward spiral where they surround themselves with other like minded humans and participate in dangerous physical activities, which I will discuss later

Increased partners: Now, while this behavior may be common for many humans, and could be argued as a physical behavior, there is cause for concern if a human suddenly increases the number of physical partners from their average. This usually accompanies reckless social behavior like not meeting the partner first before entering into a physical relationship, doing this on multiple occasions and might also be connected with the following -

Staying with an objectively horrible partner: now it is hard to identify why some humans do this, but often humans will choose a partner who is objectively horrible to them either physically or emotionally. Sometimes humans do this because they are afraid of the repercussions, are afraid of being alone, or they have been convinced that there is no other possible person out there who might love them. Humans put a lot of stock into physical relationships and many of them would rather be with someone horrible than be alone. Due to their social nature many humans put social interaction and partnership over their safety and mental health. If you see a human participating in this behavior, it is advised to get them help,even if the human does not want it. They deserve more than being treated horribly.

Now on occasion two humans in a downward spiral might come together and create a codependent relationship where they cannot function without one another. What the other human does the oher will follow and this can lead them both into a spiral of horrible physical and mental behaviors that will cause anguish in the long term. If one of them is involved with drugs, the other will follow etc.

Now some humans might even participate in self destructive behaviors that look good from an outside perspective. For instance, it is a common occurrence that humans overwork themselves to the point of burnout. Often humans throw themselves into their work to distract their minds and avoid the pain of something else, thi may include memories or having to return to an environment where they do not wish to go. These humans will work many hours and sacrifice their social lives to do more work, causing long term stress that can lead to heart attack stroke and other physical diseases related to increased stress and heightened blood pressure. Some humans may participate in this behavior as a way to prove themselves to others, that they are either competent or hard working.

On the flipside of this there are other humans who may just stop working at all. They let everything in their lives fall apart, and stop doing anything of note causing them to lose their jobs, their hobbies, their families and their friends. This one is often related to a withdrawal from other people and might include elements of physical recklessness like drug abuse.

Secondly and including a much wider range of self destructive behaviors, we see the physical manifestations of this phenomenon which vary widely and tend to come in opposing pairs..

Overheating and undereating: are two very common forms of stress response from humans. If humans have conditioned to see food as a reward for behavior or as a comforting mechanism (oten developed in childhood) they will eat in order to comfort themselves and to the point where it is adversely affecting their physical health. They may eat even if they are not hungry or if they are actively full. Some humans experience digestive issues while under stress and may even refuse to eat at all. There are other extreme cases where humans, usually in response to a perceived lack of control, will regulate their food intake to the point of starvation or other food related disorders.

This is closely related to over exercising, and also has links with a perceived lack of control in their life. These humans, often paired with restricted eating, will push themselves to their physical limit to control their own bodies as a form of having a hold on their own lives. This paired with restricted calories can cause an untold amount of damage both physically and metnally. Mental disorders linked to these behaviors are known to be the most deadly of disorders known to humans.

The consumption of Drugs and Alcohol

This is a very common and often overlooked  behavior in humans. Drinking is the consumption of beverages that contain Ethanol, which when reacting in the human brain causes, extreme mental degradation related to fuzziness and euphoria. Humans find this a pleasant feeling though it causes damage to many internal structures most primarily the liver. Unfortunately drinking is seen as a socially acceptable behavior with humans and so excessive drinking is often caught too late or not called out at all. These humans may drink from the beginning to the end of the day and will build up a tolerance to alcohol amounts that would kill another human. They build up an immunity to the point where they need larger and larger doses to feel the same effects. They will often neglect their social connections including friends and family for a chance with the bottle.

This is the same with other illicit drugs, which may have even more severe effects on the person and my lead to drug induced psychosis. Both substances are highly addictive to the point where a human may commit horrible acts like murder, robbery, etc to get the drugs that they crave. This is usually in response to some sort of mental anguish they are trying to drown out but may be related to them becoming hooked on drugs they needed after surgery. On rare occasions, this behavior began in conjunction with destructive social behaviors which lead them down into a spiral.

Excessive partying is often paired with drug use and an increased amount of intimate partners. Many humans who have fallen into this spiral might refuse to admit that they are spiraling at all. Generally limited use of a substance can be acceptable for a human, but there are plenty of other chemicals that should not be consumed at all.

There are even some drugs that are known to be mild on the user but may cause emotional dependence. These drugs are not known to cause physical dependance, but the human can convince themselves that they require the drug to function emotionally during the day and will neglect their family, friends and lives in order to spend more time with their drug of choice Again you will see the withdrawal from social contacts as an extreme warning sign in humans.

Sleeping too much or not sleeping at all:A human getting enough sleep is important for their mental health but sleeping too much is proven to throw off circadian rhythms and increase chances of depression or worsening depression. Humans require an amount of sleep that is no more or no less than what they need. Many humans will claim to not be getting enough sleep because they feel tired, when in reality their oversleeping causes grogginess and reduced amount of energy though it might seem counter intuitive.  On the other hand humans might refuse to sleep at all, instead occupying their time with some other activity. It is important to remember though that an inability to sleep might also be insomnia, and the human hs no choices in the matter. I find that humans, in general, are horrible at regulating a proper healthy sleep schedule.

Participation in dangerous hobbies. Now, I understand that this is common for many humans and does not indicate self destructive behavior, but I would consider noting when a human suddenly involves themselves in dangerous hobbies after not participating for a long time, especially when that human is not careful and doesnt take time to properly consider safety protocols. 

Another very common one is humans causing intentional physical harm to themselves. This comes in levels of severity and I would say that most humans do this to some degree or another. Often these are connected to nervous ticks or even learned behaviors from childhood. This can include, picking scabs, biting nails, picking at the skin of the thumbs or the lips, pilling hair, and biting the inside of the cheeks. These smaller behaviors are usually minor and do not require attention, they may cause scarring but are not generally connected to extreme mental anguish.

However, these behaviors can escalate dramatically to the use of knives and razors. This behavior is EXTREMELY maladaptive and indicates severe mental anguish and trauma and must be addressed immediately. These behaviors might escalate and be linked to loss of life by the human’s own hand. I have not witnessed this personally, and I never intend to as I keep a very close eye on my humans.

[crackinwise]

If I could still draw, I'd make an art series showing Taka wearing or using all the Monomono Machine gifts you can give him. But I'll have to settle for uselessly pointing and talking about them, because some are like "ah yes," while others...

LOVES:

Mac's gloves: A pair of boxing gloves infused with a staggering amount of passion and effort. Wearing them makes you want to throw a thousand cross-counters.

We know the reference (Punch-Out) but is it just the passion and effort Taka likes? Taka only mentions kendo, I think, but maybe he also takes boxing for exercise and last-resort self defense. Middle school was rough on him for unknown reasons. Whether he picked up boxing for focus or just learning to dodge a punch, it's cute picturing Mondo holding the punching bag for him or them sparring in a ring with very different fighting styles.

Red scarf: A scarf belonging to a certain masked hero. It's tattered and worn due to the countless battles it's been through.

I... don't know the reference. I couldn't find it either. Does anyone know? Strider Hiryu could fit, but Taka thinks games are a waste of time when Makoto talks to him. Red is very much a hero color in Japan as well as associated with deities and protection. Does Taka like the certain hero? Does Taka want to be seen as a hero or protector as well as a good leader?

Ya know what? I've read like two fics where Mondo is a secret superhero--where are the superhero!Taka fics and pics?! (No official art of Taka in a red scarf either makes me boo.)

Adorable Reactions Collection: A DVD that contains footage of people reacting to various pieces of art.

Your guess is as good as mine. For the culture of it? Studying reactions/expressions of others? Maybe he likes seeing people learn of things for the first time? That'd be very wholesome of him.

Chin Drill A fashion accessory that allows you to equip a drill on your chin. It is said to represent the idea of "spiral energy".

Okay. Okay, what? Either we're doing a Gurren Lagann joke--spiral power gets stronger thru generations (Taka's stronger than his grandfather) and causes people to be blindly driven towards their goals--or we're referencing spiral energy in mysticism: all stages of life and rebirth going for infinity. For spiral symbolism, there's "spirals represent evolution and growth of the spirit." But this is... Dude, this attaches to your chin. And he LOVES it. Dafuq.

LIKES:

[sakura bouquet, math problems, & handheld console cut for image limit]

Overflowing Lunchbox: A lunch box stuffed with rice, ginger, carrots, peppers, mushrooms, and more. It's meat-free, so you vegetarians out there are covered, too.

"Give the poor kid a generous meal." Just punch me in my chest. This gift is why I made the post about Taka and Mondo gifting food to each other.

G-Sick Watch: Most people consider it a "throwaway watch" due to its poor quality. Still, it enjoys massive popularity thanks to its low price.

"Give the poor kid a watch he could afford." Ya know what's weird? This watch is in Hina's Love category. Does she break watches in the pool a lot because she forgets to take them off?

Leaf Covering: A loincloth meant to emphasize one's manliness. Its simple design features a single leaf overlaid on white cloth.

I mean, it's... it's self-explanatory.

Quality Chinchilla Cover: A dark red seat cover. Its refined design is intended for only the most elite clientele.

My dudes, this is a fur motorcycle/bike seat. It's on Mondo's Love list, obviously. Why is it in Taka's Likes? Does he like soft things? Is he envious of luxury items maybe he remembers his grandpa having? Does he just want a really plush seat as he rides with Mondo? (Idk, man, but chinchilla farms are cruel.)

Cherry Blossom Bouquet: A collection of branches from a sakura tree. In the language of flowers, cherry blossoms represent "a woman of superior beauty".

Every other character Likes or Loves this too, including Mondo. As for flower language, I can't find that definition at all. I do find it meaning love, general beauty, renewal/new beginnings, fleeting life/mortality (ouch) and imagery tied with samurais because of that short life.

Berserker Armor: Donning this armor bestows the wearer with immense power, but at the cost of their soul and senses.

Uh. Ishida? Actually, even for Ishida that's a bit intense. The cost of their soul? Taka's/Ishida's whole thing is preserving his soul & Mondo's together. Unless he silently wants his soul out completely because it's causing him so much pain, and only Mondo's should live on in him. Maybe this item is leftover from the early code where you could interact with Ishida in Free Time at least once.

The only other person that likes it is Jack/Jill/Syo, so I assume this is a joke about personality switches (for two different mental health reasons) to their less stable selves, who go berserk.

Millennium Prize Problems: These seven important mathematical problems were posted by the Clay Mathematics Institute, with a reward of one million dollars for each one solved.

"Give the poor nerd a way to pay off his family's debt!"

The Funplane: The newest popular portable game system. It has a hi-def touchscreen, and can also play music and videos, making for the perfect all-in-one media machine!

Now, this is another gift you can give to everyone and they'll at least Like it. I guess Taka could use it for educational videos, or "studying" pop culture with Professor Makoto.

And just because we're here, can I just...

MONDO LOVES: sonic cup-a-noodle, quality chinchilla cover, fresh bindings, and

Roller Slippers: Slippers with a small wheel installed in each heel. They were invented to move easily around the house, but there is absolutely no demand for them.

Mondo. Mondo, your taste, hun. No. I want to see Mondo rolling by on these in their house and Taka going apoplectic.