#i also need to study fml

[ziekkfreak2-0]

Me: YAY!!! School's almost done, then I can work on art and writing! I can't wait to be productive .

Me, the moment summer starts: *falls into a coma*

[isakvaltersnake]

things from the 2001 television programme band of brothers that haunt me to this day:

- we’re paratroopers lieutenant, we’re supposed to be surrounded. not to be your 60 year old military obsessed uncle about it but that line goes hard

- nix’s little giggle he does sometimes

- I’ll never forgive them for leaving gene’s medic training out of their training montage. in fact you know what? go back in time, film a parallel sequel of the other 9 eps from gene’s pov

- popeye’s “they called you guys too?” and the way his accent specifically scratches my brain

- they gave me moose heyliger and his massachusetts accent for like 20 minutes then the narrative snatched him away from me and i still miss him

- the way meehan looks at winters after he tells him to close the flap, in fact let’s talk about how every single one of winters’ commanders are obsessed with him in one way or another he truly is the it girl

- the chaos and fear that precedes gene and the calm and comfort that follows him

- I know everyone thinks “we’ll go to chicago, I’ll take you there” is the insane line but the one that actually makes me lose sleep is “what, and give up all this?” THAT MAN SAID I WOULD RATHER LIVE THROUGH THE HORRORS OF WAR THAN HAVE LIVED MY LIFE WITHOUT YOU

- alley is So Beautiful and I don’t think we collectively talk about it enough

- babe being some rando replacement in episode three and whilst his other replacement friends are being absolutely roasted he is immediately adopted by bill and then gets gene fucking roe of all people to connect to him?? he’s too powerful I need to study him

- speirs being this ghoulish terrifying boogeyman until lip is anywhere near him then he’s suddenly dimples and kicking his feet and giggling

- speaking of lip and speirs their little sarcastic in jokes, lip finishing speirs’ sentences fml it’s giving married

- you been working out? IN FRONT OF EVERYONE?? LIEB YOU SLUT?? THEN YOURE GONNA LAY IN HIS BED WAITING FOR HIM??? insane behaviour

- the unexplored but high potential friendships and the way I wanted like 16 more episodes for shifty and lip, nix and luz, nix and web, sisk and perconte, winters and gene, grant and tab, lieb and alley, speirs and harry, etc

- the more haggard and bitchy nix gets the hotter he gets. he also must be studied.

- “you should pack up those ears and go home” ok sobel kinda ate with that one ngl

- speaking of sobel the little confused/bewildered/piss-pants faces he makes david schwimmer the actor you are

- the silly little wide stance pennywise ass run hall does before he gets murked RIP king

- klepto speirs ilysm

- joe toye and his brass knuckles are v sexy

- sink letting nix give winters his oak leaves was very shipper girl of him

- lip harry nix speirs winters in the eagle’s nest dream blunt rotation

- the unsustainable amount of cunt served by nix, frank, babe, and luz at all times is truly a marvel

- tab really checked lip’s dick and balls mid battle and honestly that’s friendship

- bit parts for simon pegg, tom hardy, andrew scott, james mcavoy, michael fassbender, jimmy fallon ?? bob casting director you will always be famous

- peacock is so fine if he was even a little good at his job I’d be obsessed with him (special shout out to the scene of him getting sent home on furlough)

- I could list out every one of their meaningful little moments together but really it’s babe and gene just tethering and grounding each other and how they seem to gravitate to each other out of blind instinct? that’s some Brontë whatever our souls are made of bullshit I’m afraid

- ok I know I said I wasn’t talking about little meaningful moments but gene staring across the convent at where babe is sitting, lost in the peace

-bull in replacements getting imprinted on by a bunch of baby ducks and being SO PLEASED ABOUT IT he’s not the stepfather, he’s the father that stepped up

- speaking of, the underutilization of bull in the back half is such an out of character bad call

- you are officers, you are grown ups, you oughta know. HE’S RIGHT AND HE SHOULD SAY IT AND THAT’S ON GENE BEING THE ONLY ONE ALLOWED TO TELL OFF WINTERS

- I know nix and winters are married and whatever but the real married couple behaviour is luz constantly pissing off joe and joe immediately letting it go

- lip and speirs and their mutual competency kink

- I’M REAL SORRY FRANK skinny ilysm

[nemo-in-wonderland]

Evening, Evening!

just passing by dropping a small 1-hour study of everyone's favourite Vampire Spawn that I did earlier this evening as a cool down from all the brainstorming and sketching and whatnot.

Gotta say, Astarion has the most beautiful eyes, fml so, here, have also a close-up of his eyes from the artwork that I did.

I loved working on him. Now I need to find the way to give him the softest, most loving and most enamoured gaze that I could muster, and I can be a happy camper lolol.

Well, I hope you will like this!

--Nemo

[house-of-hamartia]

WHAT'S THIS?

Grand Master Dorothea getting ravaged by Master Cormac, first thing in the morning???

why yes.

yes it is.

Just a small sketch I did this morning as a warm-up and as a way for me to study perspective AND anatomy (seriously, the only reason I am not posting the entire artwork is because I have to practice more drawing the nether region. It's such a new area of artworking for me, that it all seems so wonky lolol).

Also, I had to improvise with the censorship of the bosom, because you know, Tumblr is scared by nipples, so I don't want to give this website an (he)art attack. But I am so pissed because the shading of the boobies was SO NICE fml.

AH WELL.

Now, if y'all will excuse me, I have a cup of coffee with my name on it, and I need it before I continue working on my previous artworks lolol

--Nemo

[ramblingsfromthytruly]

"You'll not always be motivated so you have to be disciplined."

day 29+30+31/50 productivity challenge - condensing 3 days into 1 post cuz of 2 all nighters in a row i- dw tho cuz i did sleep a couple of hours in between here & there.. still genuinely dunno how i survived. learn from my mistakes & don't procrastinate cuz that's the only reason i was stuck in this mess

23rd September 2024, Monday

[almost nobody from my class actually went to school (& i'm not an exception) cuz tuesday's a study break & wednesday's our chem exam]

💤: 8 hrs - i mean ig at least that's one plus side of sleeping in?

🕒 1 p.m.- *sigh*

afternoon morning skincare

duolingo

practiced playing keyboard

did some college-related research

gradblr intro post

took bath

studied + made notes chemistry ch: structure of atom (not fully)

did so much planning fml (not good, not good at all, i procrastinated a lot!!)

did an exercise video

🚰: 4 glasses

24th September 2024, Tuesday

[study break day]

🕒 6:30 a.m. - my "night" is over & the day has begun

morning skincare

revised chemistry ch: some basic concepts of chemistry

🕒 12 - 3 p.m. - napped

duolingo

had a mental breakdown, pathetically cried, felt like a failure, etc

studied chemistry ch: structure of atom

took bath

night skincare

packed bag for tmr

🕒 10 p.m. - 12 a.m. - napped

🚰: 3 glasses

25th September 2024, Wednesday

[chem exam]

studied chemistry ch: classification of elements and periodicity in properties

studied chemistry ch: chemical bonding and molecular structure

morning skincare

quickly wrote down all formulae + important values

🕒 8 a.m. - left for school sleep deprived asf but caffeinated & motivated to get through the terrible exam

chemistry exam: i will be in deep shit when results come out *sigh* obviously i'm not happy when my friends do bad but only one comfort is that we're in shit together (they're literally the only 2 ppl i talk to in school). i NEED to do well on all my other exams, like somehow make an extraordinary improvement to show that i'm good with the other subjects and will just prioritize studying chem in the future. also made a deal with my mom that if i get above 83% overall then i'll finally get my own tab and headphones. we've been meaning to buy it for some time now, and my mom agreed only because my first tests' marks was at 64% (cuz i didn't study..). not exactly an "academic weapon" just yet.. only yet hopefully..

🕒 1-5 p.m. - came back home & slept like a log (no one's surprised)

(re) planned my day

took bath

ate my first meal of the day (how did i survive till here with just a coffee before school??)

played chess online (lost once, won once)

planned week after dussehra break

night skincare

decided to take a break today & wake up early tmr to start anew; i.e. operation proper sleep every night is green!

🕒 12 a.m. - went to bed finally

🚰: 4 glasses

🎧: a beautiful ravenclaw-themed playlist on youtube

[johnslittlespoon]

https://www.tumblr.com/johnslittlespoon/749533871172993024/tryna-study-but-puppy-bucky-brain-rot-how?source=share

ACTUALLY GOING INSANE RIGHT NOW, YOU GET IT SAM YOU GET ITTT.

I can’t believe I’m reading this at a wedding right now. I’m sitting in a corner far away from my family just in case. I may or may not be obsessing over this right now, who needs religion imma be praying to this every night.

The way Gale would never be harsh or mean to John and even when he is he never means it because he sees so much of himself in John (specifically him when he was younger) and how he knows what it feels like having a shitty dad and not feeling at home in your own house. He’d try his best to make John feel at home and safe in his house even if it does take a while. Even if sometimes John is “too much”/self-sabotaging, Gale sees through it and understands it’s just John is scared of losing him.

The way John would just walk around the house waiting for Gale to come back from work, literally trying to find anything to keep him distracted. He’d probably do some school work and if he doesn’t have any, do some housework like cook or clean the house (Like some type of housewife holyldkfijf, Gale would definitely tease him about it). And yes he would definitely raid Gale’s closet for his hoodie to chill around the house in it, maybe even fall asleep in it and Gale would come back from work to find him on the couch, hugging himself with the hoodie on. (Just imagining John’s smaller body wearing one of Gale’s big ass baggy hoodies…)

And oh how they would fight and how angsty it could get but at the end of the day both can’t be apart without each other and would eventually apologize and talk it out, how John would probably lock himself away after a fight but eventually come out and see Gale on the sofa head in hands and he’d just walk up to him and hug him. They’d stay there for hours on end just laying and cuddling and Gale would whisper sorry’s and comforting words/praises into John’s ear.

The oral cockwarming is so perfect because it lets John just relax and focus on one thing and that’s pleasuring Gale, which he loves and wants to do so badly (The people pleaser in him and also thinking it’s another reason for Gale keeping him around, whoops more angst. Obviously not the reason Gale keeps him around but John’s self-sabotaging is always there in the back of his mind.) Gale also returning the favor to John helps him see that he does love him beyond anything sexual and Gale knows this. In any situation, Gale would always show John just how much he loves him and genuinely appreciates him as a person and that he isn’t some kind of burden. The praises he whispers to John when he cockwarms him also help with that.

Anyway, *cough* *cough* can you tell I'm absolutely obsessed? Your writing and the things you come up with are just chefs kiss. Take your time and absolutely no pressure but I really can’t wait till you turn this into a full fic. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME GOTTA GO BACK TO THE WEDDING NOW <333

linked post | PLSSS at a wedding lmfaoo no but that's so real. this leaving!bikerider shit is taking over my life fml

YES EXACTLY!! to tackle the angst first: there would be sooo many dots connected with gale's own childhood/upbringing/relationship with his dad that he would see in john, and it would make him even more fiercely protective and determined to make sure he never ever makes john feel the way his dad made him feel, or how john's dad makes john feel. when he's frustrated with john, he can usually trace it back to a behaviour he himself used to do, and he can realize that it's out of insecurity, or anxiety, or fear, etc.

he knows sometimes he just has to let john push and test boundaries, because as long as he patient and proves to john he will never raise his voice, or lay a hand on him, or abandon him, john will realize that he's someone he can let his walls down with and trust fully, and over time he'll stop feeling the need to push. he just needs to be shown consistency and stability and unwavering love. :(

there's also the fact that this is john's first longterm/serious relationship outside of highschool, whereas gale's had a lot more experience and time to learn communication skills (it's something he still finds himself coming up short with a lot though).

they're on very opposite sides of the spectrum when it comes to fights/arguments. for gale, some issues that might seem small/insignificant might feel really big for john; for example, the way gale words something after a long stressful day might sound at worst blunt to him, but to john it might sound like gale's being short and is angry about something john hasn't figured out yet, so then tension builds.

again, circling back round to insecurity on john's part because of how he's grown up, and circling round to gale needing to work on communication skills because he's not used to having to since he's usually on his own if he's not around friends. and yk, daddy issues on both ends lol.

i think also their ways of trying to resolve conflict would differ from each other, so it would be something they both have to learn to compromise on too. like you said, john is for sure the type to lock himself away or leave the house to get some air and calm himself down, anything he can do to self–isolate until he feels ready to talk, whereas i feel like gale is the type to either brush past it and assume it's no big deal/it'll blow over, and/or the type to want to sort things out the moment something happens, to talk it out until it's resolved. and obviously those immediate reactions to conflict kinda grate on each other, so they have to figure out how to balance things out.

but john's an easy crier and he feels just as guilty when he blows up and walks out on gale as gale does when he's too blunt or harsh when they're arguing, and neither of them can ever go to bed upset with each other. by the time john comes back home, the reflexive anger/hurt has always seeped out and made room for quiet sadness and guilt, and all he wants to do is find gale and attach himself to him and mumble his apologies and be held (and in turn have the relief of the confirmation that gale still wants to hold him.) or if john's shut himself away in the spare room or is sulking on the back porch, gale will be the one to go to him and crouch down in front of him and take his hands in his and ask what he needs, and ask if they can talk. <3

angst aside, YEAH. john doesn't mind being alone sometimes, but in general he's very social and gets his energy and good mood from being around other people, so if gale's at work and his friends are busy and he doesn't have any studying to be done, he keeps himself busy around the house (which also helps alleviate his guilt over 'intruding', or gale not letting him pay rent, because he can feel like he's making himself useful.)

and gale without a doubt teases him about it, calls him his little housewife one day when he comes home to john cooking and pounces on the way it makes john flush, wrapping his arms around him from behind and pulling him and murmuring "yeah? you like waiting for me to get home, like a cute little housepet?" and it's all banter, but it gets to both of them more than they expect. >:)

it definitely does gale in too when he sees john get comfortable enough to start stealing his clothes like that, loving how he looks in them and feeling his heart soften with the knowledge that john still wants a piece of him as close as possible when he's not with him. (he also lays john out on the couch and fucks him in nothing but gale's hoodie the first time he comes home to that <3)

and yes to the sex dynamic stuff, 100%. gale never gives john any reason to believe that he's only in it for sex, especially since gale's the one who holds off on jumping into hooking up straight away, but john does worry sometimes at the beginning until he starts to feel secure with gale. i think gale would be aware of this being a possible issue too and it would contribute to him keeping things slow at first because he wants to establish to john that he's not just a pretty body to him.

and as time goes on gale realizes how he can use stuff like gentle submission/instruction/etc like in that cockwarming drabble to get john out of his head, to help him relax, etc without directly asking john to take breaks or calm down, because john is stubborn and will work himself into the ground unless he sees that ask as something that benefits gale too. (they work on that, though.)

YEAH can you tell i'm obsessed too? this is cooked lmfaoaoo. but omg THANK U i will cry </33 i have so much fun writing all this shit out and bouncing ideas back and forth <33 i don't feel pressured dw!! i'm so excited to write the fic once i finish my current one :'-) thank you for YOUR time, hope the wedding was fun!!

[chrislilcumslvt]

BASICALLY idk what the equivalent is in america butttt

secondary school students who are year 11-> 15-16 year olds have these exams in around May called GCSE’s. They are graded from 1-9. 1 is the lowest, 9 is the highest, u need a 4 to pass in every subject 🥲 OR if u dont even get a grade 1 you get a “U” which is literally shocking cuz how r u not getting like 8 marks in a 80mark paper 😭 these results are used to get into college (16-18 year olds) if u dint pass maths ans english most colleges wont accept u to do the courses u want and INSTEAD u gotta do english and maths AND THEN retake the exam at the end of the year. U have to keep retaking it till ur 18 if u dont pass😱

ITS COMPULSORY (fml 😫) to do english (language and literature: language is mainly creative writing/comparing texts. Literature we have 4 books/plays we need to know and memorise qoutes for 🥲 they give us I THINK a 40mark question on each book/play where they ask a question on a character or a theme in the book and we have to waffle and waffle and waffle 😔) maths, science (chem bio and physics wtf is the difference IDK)

then u pick about 5 other options from like: geograohy, history, religious studies, sociology, triple science, art, textiles, design technology, PE, Catering, health and social care, spanish, french, buisness studies. There are more but i forgot 👎

And last year (10) we had to do MOCKS (gcse papers but not the real thing to see where we are and what we need to improve) in april i think??

and now cuz we r in year 11 😒 we have to do the MOCKS AGAIN in november (now) and also february. Then the real things in may 😭

in total we have 4 english papers, 3 maths, I THINK 6 maybe 3 for science and 2/3 for most of the other 5 subjects we picked. i picked art, geogrpahy, buisness, catering and religious studies. Art is hell cuz wtf do u mean i needa paint a massive canvas in 3 days ???!!!?!!??

Ive just read this and This is more than i write in my exams wtf 😭😭😭😭

I HAD A FUCKING SEIZURE READING THAT 😭

[thatsuncleharrytoyouyoungman]

kinda really wanna do an associates degree in library studies but fml if i ever go back to school bleh but the course like actually seems pretty interesting n the electives are fun n i can most likely skip the core courses since i already have an a levels so idk like i cant actually think abt it until like a year so idk it'll be 3 years part time n it's blended but also idk once i get my undergrad i can apply to do a masters in library studies which i really do not want to do a masters at all n even tho yh anyone regardless of their academic bckgrnd can do the masters i feel like it's not wise to throw myself into a masters program when i have no bckgrnd in the field n also i really do not want to do a masters n also the one masters program is avail in another caribbean island n i dont think it's online tho im not too sure bc my mom's coworker did it n it was but then covid so idk but yh like logically an assoicates degree is like kinda why get an assoicates if i already hv an undergrad seems kinda pointless esp if i decide to pursue the masters in the long future ideally what i wld love is to get a library assistant position bc it's supposedly possible with just a levels which i have n depending on how i feel abt the field then make the next choice abt what to further study bc to advance i wld need some actual library related qualifications ahh idk i need to remember to ask my mother to talk to her friend bleh

[midnightmisadventures]

No words for my dream last night

I neeeed to know if he had the same one

Was with Liam the whole time.

uh?? im so confused i was doing that thing where i wrap up highschool. I was going in diff english rooms and took one exam and then had one left i didnt study for.

there was like this "crazy 10 minute sale" esq thing going on in the library where you and a friend had to find a book to do a project on.

But i was like rushing with JR to get to the clique books or pjo and stuff

i dont have any other exposition.

We were on a lot of busses. School not tour. And each time, Liam was on our bus and my goal was always to sit close to him but not too close. It felt like that was his goal too

eventually though

we were close and talking, kinda like the way we are in my current fur. Maybe not dating but the closest step under that

......somehow i found out that another girl.....karmic....or earlier karmic or otherwise was pregnant with his child

and he kept texting me like, please don't tell anyone, i know its bad, i know you hate me, i know everyone will hate me FOR you. Please keep that as my business for a sec.

And i was like yea, its okay of course i wont air you out while you figure this out. He wasnt in a relationship with her or anything

But it was weird he KEPT texting me, when we were apart like please please dont tell anyone.

And i was so confused why he was worried?? Like it wasnt something i would proudly boast if we were seeing eachother. So i remember being like should i text him back "i promise" so he gets that i really wont fuck him over. Or do i hold this piece of....collateral over his chest. ONLY cause he was making me wonder if i should be suspicious of him.

Then.....what feels like shortly after. Suddenly im also pregnant. With Liams baby of couse. And i was kinda like....fuck. Not cuase i didnt want to be with him, or i didnt want his baby. Just cause i was literally like "i rlly thought id be smart enough to avoid this prophecy, but i guess it wouldnt be a prophecy if it could be avoided" I just felt like are you kidding me? And im pretty sure it lined up with the first time of it all as well.

I just hate how that specific prophecy airs out all my business to everyone. Like ooh?? you were just a virgin, but you and Liam had sex one time and he came in you??? wow....

It leaves me with no privacy. But whatever, no one knew but him and i was figuring out when to drop the news to people in my life. And i realized it would be a looooong time from now.

I needed more alone time with Liam, i just needed to get on the same page and feel his support. Given that he had an additional pregnancy to worry about.

Which also just made me feel like fml....like of course this is happening to me.

But i had full faith and trust in him. We just hadnt gotten a long time to talk.

Once i remember catching him for a second, and we were both sitting in a group of people and he sat next to me on a couch. And it was nice to just sit next to him but i didnt even know where to begin with the things i wanted to talk with him about

I remember summing it up to him by saying "....Liam im really scared" and he looked at me like he hadnt considered i would be, like being pregnant after having sex once isnt a terrifying inconvenience.

I don't remember if he said anything in particular.

Just remember getting the vibe that he realized id prob benefit from a little more of his attention/reassurance.

[supercantaloupe]

i'm also looking for a job right now (one of those studying a degree needing a graduate degree to work, fml) and the job market is so fucked right now. i hope you do find one soon.

thank you for your kind thoughts. i think at this point, barring any potential one-off gigs i might get asked to play, it's really unlikely i'll get a job this summer. on the bright side i DO have a job lined up for the fall -- i'm working a fellowship at my university while i'm in grad school. it doesn't pay very much, but it funds the degree which is as good as deal as i could hope for (esp cause my program will probably take up to three years). i just really really wish i had something to do in the meantime over the summer; i hate sitting around without something to Do, and i'm bad at motivating myself to do stuff, and i hate the fact that i'm not able to contribute significantly to my own expenses yet. (of course i've extremely grateful to have a support system willing to help me while i'm at this point in my life, but i do WANT to be able to support myself at least in part by now.) but considering the fact that it's already mid june (and i'm out of the country for a week pretty soon), even if there were seasonal positions still available around me no one is realistically gonna hire me for only two months of work. i think i'm pretty much fucked on that account and i just have to get over it at this point. still, it would be nice if even a fraction of the jobs i've applied to so far would even message me back...but almost none of them have. sigh!

[sevicia]

I am so talkative today in particular all cause I managed to finish 6/7 problems of a programming worksheet (which is graded) and it made me happy :3 still I gotta sleep cause even though I only have afternoon classes tomorrow, I need to be well-awake in the morning to finish the 7th problem and also study for the algebra test this thursday which is worth 20% of the grade T_T plus I have to begin studying for the replacement tests that u take when you didn't manage to pass the class with the regular tests.... FML

[adhdthoughts]

Yeah, so.. today is an elvanse-day, I was studying for my exams (on 26.04) in the evening and had a midnight flow.

My gf told me (at around 00:00), that I should stop and get to be in time, so I can take my Elvanse tomorrow for a potential productive day, but I was just in the flow and wanted to continue.

(If you didn't read my recent post: Elvanse is hard to sleep on for me, so I better take that early.)

So I continued till 02:00. And now I'm doing posts on here, even though I wanted to sleep already, and it's 03:40 now.. 💀

I really miss my gf 😭, she went to her parents (they live in Austria, about 10h by train) for 10 days in total and comes back in 2,5 days. Thats another 3 nights sleeping alone 😔. I sadly couldn't go with her, because I need to study for my apprenticeship exam and because thats for sure not enough, I have to do a programming project that should be done in 80h that I need to do in the same time-window on work as learning for the exam. So you learn new stuff on work, probably need to do smth for that home while studying. So I'm kinda totally in stress and that's why I couldn't go with her. Her dad had bd and invited me to join them all to a spa/hotel in Hungary. I mean I hate to travel that much, but not being apart of gf and being together with her in the hotel room would be nice. (Giggity)

In 1 month we have 1 year anniversary :3 🥳.

It's going pretty good between us, we want to cuddle and kiss the same amount and never had an argument or dispute so far and we met almost every day or at least spending almost every night together.

I really should study more so I have more time for her when she comes back, because we both really need our cuddles and attention after so long apart. (I swear 1 week apart is so fkn hard for us, it's a disgrace.)

But it's not as easy as said. Sure it would be cool to study now and have more time for her when she's here, but that's sadly not how it works.. :(

So yeah.. Idk if I can my medication tomorrow I wann have a good sleep finally (not really getting that on working days, because I'm too long awake and need to get up "early").

But I'm kinda afraid if I can do it, because my company kinda wants their apprentice/trainees to have good grades and rn, I don't really now how to learn for all that and get my project done in time.

I also want to have time for my gf (I can't study so much anyway) and also have time for my hobbies (gym, wakeboarding, streaming). Especially streaming on twitch sparks much joy for me.

It's hard being me for the next 2,5 weeks, I'll have a really shitty, stressfull time..

I also want my company to keep me after I finished my apprenticeship, so I better get good grades on exam/project.

😭😭😭

Its (04:15 now, fml) 💀

[endlessvoidsnkittens]

Cool, cool.

Went to the dr this morning. Have to do some stool studies (gross) and I also am being prescribed a 2-week course of medication for IBS. 

I go out of town in one week. 

I can’t drink on my trip. 

It’s a stupid thing to be upset about but I’m upset. 

But if I don’t start the medication then I’m likely to still have problems eating while on my trip. SO I guess I need to start the medication. Fml. 

[nemo-in-wonderland]

There's such a sad love Deep in your eyes a kind of pale jewel Open and closed Within your eyes I'll place the sky Within your eyes

There's such a fooled heart Beatin' so fast In search of new dreams A love that will last Within your heart I'll place the moon Within your heart

As the pain sweeps through Makes no sense for you Every thrill is gone

Wasn't too much fun at all But I'll be there for you-ou-ou As the world falls down

Falling As the world falls down Falling Falling in love

"AS THE WORLD FALLS DOWN" - Labyrinth

-----------------------

SO.

I was listening to some very perfect music a few days ago, music that ended up fuelling this VERY self-indulgent Mephistea Artwork and of course, as it always happens when I listen to music, the brain starts working and branching out with ideas would go very well with an idea that has been brewing in my brain ever since I drew the whole " sudden proposal" from Mephisto to Aranea.

And my brain cannot stop thinking that Mephisto's corruption of Aranea would start VERY early on.

Like, we are talking "as soon as Aranea is done with her vengeance" early on.

So, between the moment when Aranea signed her contract with Mephisto and the moment she exacts her revenge for Halim's death, I calculated it would pass around 5 years, that Aranea would spend in Cania to study *directly* underneath Mephisto himself (it was one of the clause of the contract that she herself had put. She reckoned that her soul would be lost anyway, so, in for a penny, in for a pound).

During those 5 years, Mephisto would start taking an interest in this curious Warlock of his, who was SO hyperfixated in acquiring as much power as possible to destroy the people that had taken Halim from her in the cruelest way possible.

Like, I love to imagine that in those five years, he saw in Aranea the same kind of focuse, obssessive need that often pervaded himself as well; the same kind of relentless mania; the same fury and ruthless ferocity that he felt deep within his soul each time he tried to overthrow Asmodeus.

And this left him quite enrupture with Aranea.

So, I like to imagine that, sometimes after Aranea was done with her vengeance, he would actually start to plan his moves to have more than just her soul.

He wanted to corrupt her in her entirety, so that she would match his soul completely.

AND THAT'S WHEN REALIZED THAT "AS THE WORLD FALLS DOWN" WAS JUST *PERFECT FOR THEM, AT THAT STAGE OF HER RELATIONSHIP.

The lyrics, the music, the whole scene was *precisely* how I imagine Mephisto would behave with still innocent Aranea (which is why I drew her with shorter hair and a bit younger than how I usually draw her).

How he would organize a ball for the sake of parading his prized warlock around, when, in truth, he started his seduction of her, his call toward his darkest side, with him whispering in her mind while she constantly looking for him through the crowd, moved by something she cannot, for the love of her, understand nor explain.

And well, if you know this part of Labyrinth, then you know precisely what the atmosphere would be!

And by the gods, these two have me by the throat fml.

I adore them so much. SO MUCH.

Also, fml, am living for their height difference and I like to imagine that Mephisto gave her one of the heaviest dresses possible, so that the only way she could dance if she is dancing with him.

That being said, now I will go to sleep a bit because I was up until late to finish this and I am *tired*.

But I hope you will like it anyway! <3

--Nemo

[mikatsuobushi]

i just need to let this out because it has been eating me up and i don't know what to do anymore.

i am so tired of everything especially university. it's not that i don't want to go to school anymore, i am literally enslaved by academia. it's just i am fearing failure more than the usual amount and i am overthinking my impending failure too much to the point that i only dread that moment instead of preventing it. i'm currently in my junior year and good lord, i kid you not, i feel like every day is as tiring as it was yesterday and will be tomorrow. i love my degree, i really do, but i don't think passion and love for it will still save me when i couldn't even save myself or even force myself to do the bare minimum (i.e. show up on class). i live 1-2 hours away from my school and commute everyday. last year, it was fine. a few tears were shed regularly but i enjoyed it. however, it's barely 2 months of junior year yet i feel like i'm better off dead. i still wake up to my alarms but i just turn them all off and just decide that i'm not going to school today. i have this huge savior complex and would immediately do the most in every group works but now i really have to push myself to do something. don't get me started on individual tasks. i always have a problem with accomplishing them because i'm a procrastinator who's also a people pleaser. the hierarchy will always go: 1) groupworks, 2) org tasks, 3) maybe fandom stuff, 4) individual tasks. i will always choose myself last T-T! but it has been sooo hard to do them lately. in our cell and molecular bio, we have these essay homeworks every week and i always nail them except that i pass them late. my scores have been 14/15 just because i'm passing them exactly 5:00pm or just minutes after it. if i'm in the right mind, i could've forced myself to pass early but no! i just literally do it 1-2 hours before the deadline and it seems like the adrenaline and pressure due to the deadline are my only driving forces to accomplish things. i do really feel like i'm one of the cells in our body that requires chemical triggers just to respond—i just need a trigger just to respond. also, i am sooo bad at studying and reviewing. i may have undiagnosed adhd so it makes it a torture to study but i do not review unless it's a night or hours before an exam and there are a lot of times where i fail to cover all the topics. it's still even a miracle that i somehow get decent scores despite not studying well and not showing up in class sometimes. people have been telling me that i'm the embodiment of someone who's really smart, someone who can do well despite giving bare minimum. in my local language, we have a term on hardworking, diligent people (tutom) and just smart people (alam). if you are tutom, obviously you can easily be alam. hardwork do really pays off in academics, you know! but if you're just smart but lacks that grit, diligence, and isn't hardworking, there's a huge chance that you will fall behind. the "i was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere" moment. personally, i believe that it's better if you are tutom than just being plainly smart. but you will definitely be unstoppable if you are tutom and alam—oh, and is also financially and mentally stable.

so why do i feel like shit this junior year? BIOPHYSICS. fucking biophysics. i don't even know why i took STEM when i am soooo bad at math. i'm a 🌱🪴🌺🌊🌌🐋🐍🦠🧫🔬 STEM girlie, not ⚗️🧪🧮➗👨‍💻🗜️🧭⚛️ STEM. i took biology just because i love research and plants and animals. that's kinda too stupid of me. but man, biophysics has been nothing but a pain to my ass lately. it's a torture to take 10 units of this one, too (i have 5 units this sem, then another 5 next fml). subjects that really deals with numbers are my weakness. i also do not have the attention span and patience to really try and understand it, i just give up when i know i'm bad at it—i know it's a self and skill issue BUT HEAR ME OUT. our biophysics professor is the worst. any subject will be easy if it's just taught by the right people in a right way that would make students understand it. but our prof? he doesn't even bother to really teach it. he thinks he's teaching us but i cannot even call his lectures as teachings. you cannot just finish 2 chapters of University Physics by Young and Freedman within 3 hours. oh maybe you can if you just scroll through the book so fast and expect your students to already know it because it has been taught in high school as if high school isn't years ago and as if we are math majors not biology ones who deal with life rather than numbers and equations and also as if we are sooo privileged and well-off students sir we are literally studying in a state university what makes you think that all of us are financially stable here, you annoying insensitive prick?! he also have this nasty personality where he thinks he's the only right person and he always has to have the last word. it's nice that he asks about our opinions but good lord idk if he's deaf or just an asshole because when we speak about our thoughts, he just straight away invalidate or try to twist it in his own perspective. you can't even say that "sir, it's hard for us to keep up on your class because we also have different subjects to focus on and our labs have been taking our time" without him taking it negatively. it's not us saying "you are not our priority" you're literally a major course in our program so we have to focus on you. it's just we are asking for you to meet us in between but since you are so high, you won't be bothered to put yourself in our shoes. this is not asking to be spoonfed but to be taught properly, you twat! also, my groupmates in biophysics are also the worst. our leader doesn't know how to lead and handle the group. while other groups do group discussions, ours just let each of us fend on their own as if this class isn't already hard enough to deal with. i try what i could to help the group, to suggest and even take the initiative, but these people are so caught up with themselves they don't even bother to open the GDocs i send! so much for teamwork and camaraderie, i wanna pull my teeth off and jump from the 2nd floor pls calculate the acceleration of my body and the force it requires for me to break my bones. horray to free-falling bodies!

i don't even know where this rant is going. i should be studying now because our midterms is next week and i honestly don't know how to bullshit biophysics to even score a point. it's also so hopeless and annoying how much i reduced myself into my GWA. my fear of failure continues to worsen and i am actually considering k-wording myself if ended up failing (like getting 2.75 and lower) in biophysics. see,our school has a policy that once you have a 2.75 or lower grade, you won't be eligible for latin honors. as somebody who's been a slave for academic validation, that is an absolute nightmare especially when i am currently running for cum laude, with a chance of even getting magna cum laude if i just bothered to really work for it. this is so depressing to admit but i do not know what to do if i fail. i know i have other assets and qualities but people (i.e. family) around me expect me already to succeed so much in academics and me failing will just disappoint them so much that it would drive me insane. i wish i didn't turn out to be this person who reduced her worth into her GWA. i know i am not my grades and my achievements but who can blame me when i spent my whole life excelling to the point that it became normal to everyone? that when somebody says my name, it's always together with "smart"? publicly, i have made my name using my achievements. so if i couldn't even get the "biggest" one during my educational journey (i.e. latin honors), then who am i then? i am so tired on pleasing people and more tired on pleasing myself (this one is the hardest because i have never been pleased with me). i just want to idk rest, die?, just vanish for a little while then come back when i feel like i'm fine? i don't know. i honestly don't fucking know. but for now, i just have to push myself to do what i have to do no matter how unmotivated and helpless i feel. i have no choice anyways. horray to the ones who became slaves of their achievements to the point where they cannot live without them! this fucking sucks so much i badly need a drink so i could just cry freely.

anyways, i'm turning 21 on the 20th!! and i do not look forward to it!!

p.s. the academically gifted kid who's now a burnout adult trope is the worst. i do not recommend it!!

[my-ch3mic4l-imb4l4nc3]

Dear Diary,

my health doesnt seem to be getting better, and the days are getting colder and colder, so its not gonna be great.

i havent been going to class, mornings are even colder and everything hurts worse. but my teachers are not happy. as if I were tbh, they can go fuck themselves with their lack of empathy. i know I'm ruining my life but living actually fucking hurts physically rn.

whatever, fml.

also i bought a compressig wristband, because both hands hurt and I only have one, my mothers, and two compressing kneepads and I hope that makes everything a little better, but I'm not counting on it because also the rest of my body will hurt, and the compressed parts will also hurt but less than usual. cant blame me for trying tho.

they finally gave me my work jacket so now whenever I have to spend time in the lobby I don't have to feel cold and make everything hurt more. so maybe ill be able to go to class more if I don't feel even more shitty in the mornings because of that, and convinced with the compression shit my chances are looking better for graduation at least.

i still have studies that need to be done but whatever, i hope to find something that helps or just know what the fuck it is that its fucking my like so fucking much.

well i dont know what else to say for now, so, toodles!

-me